#I WOULDVE LAUGHED AT MYSELF IF I TOLD LAST YEAR M:ILA WE WERE STILL IN SCHOOL AND GRADUATING SOON

[scheintot]

Open Letter to the boy who was never really mine. 18.07.2023

I miss you more than you could ever imagine.

All the small little moments with you, all little details.

How we watched Ice Age in my broken bed and laughed about it when it collapsed in the middle and brought us close together.

When you gifted me your red black shirt you wore on my birthday that I almost wore everyday because it smelled like your perfume.

How well you handled the situation with this jealous guy who got kicked out from the party because I only had eyes for you.

The small smile you gave me when I kissed your moles that you told me you were insecure about. I always thought that its cute and suits you.

How our fingers intertwined and my whole body got chills, mostly my heart.

How we danced arm in arm on my balcony and I wished I could freeze time because I didnt wanted to let go.

How you used to stare at me and told me how beautiful you think I am, inside and outside. With or without sex.

When we promised to visit Japan together, my home in heart since I was 14 y/o - I was exited to show you around, but mostly to be with you.

How cute you think my nose is and the all those nights we tried to watch Anime together but we couldnt keep our hands off each other, so I used to put horror movies on because I knew I couldnt concentrate when you were around.

The times we cooked together or the nights we used to text for hours having deep talks, sharing intimate thoughts.

I see you in every romantic movies, hear you in every love song and think about you even when I try to forget you while travelling through cities and having some sightseeings, wishing I could experience all that with you while holding your hand.

You always used to cheer me up, made me laugh, made me feel good, almost pretty in my skin. You are one of the reasons - If not the main reason - to become a better version of myself.

I trusted you and gave you the name of my diary, my emotions, interests and love languages - my private Tumblr - and even If I dont think that you check up on me (anymore?), I need it to get it off my chest.

I always had a thing for you, even when I had crushes on my ex boyfriends because you didnt fully had interest in me, and I guess you knew. I tried to move on so many times.

What a shame that I was never the woman you wanted to be with, while I wouldve gave everything to get the chance to make you happy, but I gaslit myself to not to get hurt.

I hate to break it to you and me, but I fell in love with you the moment I met you during break in school.

You were the last person I kissed and this wont change until .. Id love to say our lips meet again.. but, until I find someone who can make me feel like you did, by just existing.

I wish I was what you wanted, but I was not able to love myself, so I smoked weed everyday for 8 years to escape reality and got used to be sourrounded with bad influence and never REALLY tried to change because I never had a reason or the guts to. At least that was what I thought, but you shouldve been reason enough.

Im clean from all kind of drugs, almost a month now without addiction relocation. I was able to cut off the contact to all kind of bad people & influence to a lot of people who are no good for themselves and me. Chat and numbers are all deleted. - You will never know, but god.. I wish you would be proud of me, at least for trying to change my life and bad behaviour I used to have. I feel ashamed for taking so long to realise that.

And still while Im grieving that you are not in my life anymore, I wish you find someone who will treat you right and love you better, because I still think youre the most beautiful person I got to know. You deserve to be with the girl of your dreams and I hope you find her soon, because If there is a person out there that deserves to be loved, its you.

I wish you good luck, and kinda hope you will not remember me completely badly. I never meant to be like that, I hope you know that.

#gedankentagebuch

[simplynot-there]

The Last day of February.

I am manifesting a man I know is not good for me.

I cannot stop thinking about my ex. Why? it's been two years since we've spoken. And really, up until this point he has barely ever crossed my mind. But lately, he's all I think about. I think about what he's doing, who he's hanging out with, how he's doing in school, if he ever thinks about me. I miss when I had him in the palm of my hand. Why do I miss him so much? we would constantly argue about my intimacy issues and I constantly felt guilty about things that were completely out of my control. He knew my struggle with BPD, but still, he'd tell me I was selfish, he would tell me I lacked empathy and made him feel unwanted.

Little did he know I was forcing myself to stay in that relationship. Because I did love him. I did care about him. And the last thing I wanted was for him to get hurt. But every time we were together I felt myself pulling further and further away from him.

Despite what I've said, he was my person. I could tell him anything, he would do anything for me and he'd go anywhere, watch, listen and read anything if I told him to. And I'd do the same for him. We shared the same interests and friends and memories after knowing each other since middle school. I try to ask myself, do you miss him or do you miss the attention he gave you. While I tell myself I just miss the attention, at the end of the day, I do miss how much he would make me laugh, how comfortable I was with him around. My mom loved him, he got along with my friends. I never felt pressured to do anything I didn't want to do. The guilt that I felt was guilt I put on myself. I keep trying to tell myself that if we got together again, it would be just like the first time. This would turn sour, I would shut down and hurt him again. I fear that he thinks I'm a shitty person. That I am the stereotypical borderline.

No matter how many times I try to tell myself that letting him back in my life would be terrible, I still manifest his name popping up on my phone. People probably think I'm insane when I say that I'm manifesting him. But I feel his presence closer and closer every day. Two days ago, I helped two customers at work who had the same name as him, right down to the spelling. And yesterday, I actually saw him walking down the sidewalk on my way to work. Thankfully, he didn't see me, I wouldve been embarrassed if he had caught a glance at me while I was in such a state of shock.

It's as if he's close enough to grab, but still so far away.

[kaeyasaki]

SCREAMS,, HAPPY ONE YEAR CLEAN TO MILA

#💬stfu #SHUT UPPPP #okay it’s actually nothing to be proud of #but i also AM proud of myself because this time last year i was literal rock bottom #like the literal worst i’ve ever been #and looking back i’ve lwky got my shit together now #MAAAAN SHUT UP IM GONNA BE GOING TO UNI #I WOULDVE LAUGHED AT MYSELF IF I TOLD LAST YEAR M:ILA WE WERE STILL IN SCHOOL AND GRADUATING SOON #NOOO I WOULDVE LAUGHED IF I TOLD LAST YEAR M:ILA WE WERE STILL ALIVE IM %+>$* #not to be emotional but like fuck man idk i’m just proud of myself for hanging on this long #it’s been fucking rough for me but like this proves i can fix my life if i actually try %+>$* #yeah i think #delete later this is mad embarrassing #tw drugs #tw suicide

[xsarcasticwriterx]

Childhood friends

Summary: y/n and negan have been friends forever and have done everything togother. When negans wife Lucille gets sick negan 1st tells her. This event leads to hell but also heaven.

Warnings: swearing,rated R jokes,angst

Recieving a text from negan was a daily occurence for y/n but mosf of them didnt say "get in here. Fast." Y/n walkes into negan office seeing a stressed negan sitting at his desk hyperventilating. "Hey hey breathe" she said running to his side kneeling beside him. She put her hand on his back alarming him to her presence. He turned looked at y/n. "Shes sick" is all he can say as tears fall from his eyes.

She knew negan was speaking of his wife Lucille. Negan had been speaking of this for a while saying how Lucille was getting test done and how he had to work overtime to get the money for some of them. Y/n would help when she could with extra money she had. Due to her living alone and spending most her time passing out at negans she usually ended up with a bit of money left to do as she pleased.

She stayed with negan till he calmed down. "So the test came back?" She asked. Negan nodded. "Its bad y/n" is all he said. The look in his eyes was as if he was begging y/n to do something. "I'm so sorry negan" she said hugging him. She felt negan crying into her shoulder. After a while he pulled away. "Sorry." Is all he said. "Hey...its ok..." she said.

"Want me to come back with you after?" Y/n asked negan. Y/n has known Lucille sense highschool and even introduced negan and Lucille. She really wanted to see Lucille before it got too bad but she didnt want to intrude on negans and lucilles time. Negan nodded. "Please....i cant do this alone." He said softly his voice slightly cracking. Y/n nodded.

School had ended so y/n sat sat with negan while he finished his work. They didnt say anything she knew negan was truly hurting and she didnt wanna bother him. When negan was silent she knew to not speak he was never silent always mouthing off about some bullshit. Negan closed his laptop looking up at y/n who was laid out on the couch asleep. Negan couldn't help but just think of all that had happened within the past few hours.

He looked at y/n thinking about how she was why he met Lucille in the first place and now......here he was. He walked over to y/n picking her up walking to his car. She buried her head into his shoulder. He layed he in the passenger side walking back to the drivers side. He sat down and broke into tears. He felt a hand upon his shoulder not long after. "Its ok. She'll be ok." Y/n said softly. She put her head on his shoulder.

They both knew it was a lie the results werent looking up for Lucille but they had to have hope they had to believe. At the moment negan didnt have much hope and y/n had to hope for them both. After a few negan started driving. They reached negans home in silence.

Negan just sat there staring at the house. "It'll be ok negan." Y/n said. Negan nodded. They walked to the door as negan stared at it. Y/n grabbed his hand and nodded. Negan nodded back. They opened the door to see an empty livingroom. Turning they saw a wasted Lucille in the kitchen. "Heeeeeeeeeeeey y/n" Lucille slurred. "She shouldnt be drinking riight?" Y/n said to negan. He sighed and shook his head. "No. No she shouldnt" he stared at his wife shaking his head before walking upstairs. "Well now is just us gals" Lucille said.

Y/n shook her head. "Lucille..." was all she got out. Negan didnt come down most the night and y/n spent most the night watching Lucille and trying to stop her from drinking more. She babbled on of childhood memories. Eventually y/n got fed up and stood up and started twoard the stairs. "Y/n" Lucille said soflty. Y/n turned. "When im gone......love him the way we both know you do. He'll need it." She said before crashing. Y/n knew what she meant hell anyone who wasn't negan knew what she meant.

Y/n has loved negan sense she was 4 years old. But inevitably life kicked in and negan chose everyone else but her. She walked up stares to see negan laying in bed. His eyes were closed but based on his breathing he was awake. Y/n layed next to him with her head on his chest. "She shouldnt be alone doing that" he grumbled. "She fell asleep" y/n replied. Negan sighed and not long after was he asleep. Y/n sighed. This was going to be hell. Y/n didnt know how negan was going to do it but however she could help she would. She walked down the hall flopping onto the guest bed staring at the ceiling most the night. Why did this have to be so stressful.

Y/n woke up to the smell of breakfast. Grumbling she pulled herself up and out of bed. Walking down she saw negan and Lucille close while cooking. You'd think being in love with your childhood bestfriend whos married would be difficult to restrain feelings but honestly......y/n just wanted negan happy in the end even if its not by her. But now....well Lucille has fucked that up by saying what she did. It repeated in her head all through the night and even now. How could she put that pressure on her how could she have no hope but stand there with negan like nothing happened. Though to her maybe nothing did happen.

Y/n walked to the counter and cleared her throat. They looked and smiled. "Morning y/n" negan said. "Mornin" she replied. "What yall making ?" She asked. "Pancakes and bacon" Lucille said cheerfully. "Your awfully peppy for as much as you drank" y/n said. "Heh well yknow just want to eat" she said giggling. Negan kissed he cheek before walking to the garage to work on his car while waiting.

"Lucille do you remember last night?" Y/n asked more wanting to know if she meant what she said. "I remember what i told you if thats what your asking. I meant what i said. We both know how you feel and we both know i cant fight this. I can feel myself getting weaker and even with your help we dont have the money to fight this. You love him and once im gone hes going to need that. You need to care for him and show him you love him." She said as if it was just another fact. "Your going to be ok Lucille." Y/n heard her voice crack and felt tears start to cloud her eyes. Lucille was still her only other friend outside of negan. Shed known her sense highschool and the thought of her dying.....it shattered her heart. Lucille rolled her eyes. Y/n couldnt take this she couldn't listen to her friend talk of how she was dying.

Y/n walked out to the garage with negan feeling her legs wobble and her heart break. Negan turned and smiled softly then frowned. "Whats wrong.....y/n" negan said walking to her. He grabbed her face making her look up at him. "Nothing." She said. Negan huffed and shook his head. "Fucking hell never one to talk....." he said. Grabbing her he pulled her to the front of the car. He opened the roof showing all the improvements he had done. She adored the car it had so many memories sense even before he could could drive it. She smiled admiring the shiny new improvements. "Heh thought that could get a fucking smile out of you." He said proud of himself. She nodded. "After breakfast lets go for a fucking ride what you say ?" He asked. She smiled and laughed "absofuckinglutely" she replied happily.

Breakfast was awkward well for y/n it was. She sat only with Lucilles words repeating over and over. She felt so much pressure. After negan did as he said and they went for a ride. Eventually he stopped at a park that they went to often as kids. He walked her to their "hiding spot" that now them as grown adults was not so hiden.

Surrounded by trees and plants they sat by a broken down bonfire that was used not to long ago in the week. They sat in silence for a while. "What you fucking thinking about so intensely?" Negan asked. "Your wife." She replied. Negan laughed at how it sounded. "What about her?" He asked. "Something she said to me....." she replied not knowing if she had the right to say what Lucille said.

"What the fuck she say?" Negan said clearly lost what she could've said to have taken up her thoughts so much. "Promise not to tell her i told you." She asked. "Shit y/n........sure.......what is it?" He asked. "She said when shes gone i need to love you the way i truly do." She said. Negan made a grumble and sighing sound before sitting up more. He rubbed his face. "Fucking hell" he said.

"I dont know what to do....." y/n said. "Im sorry" she appolagize. "Dont be sorry she shouldnt have said that.......fuck." he said. He rolled his eyes and turned to y/n. He hugged her close. "This is not on you. Its not on you to care for me and she shouldnt use your feelings like that." He said before releasing her. He held her face. He kissed her cheek before sighing. He walked back to the car y/n following behind.

They returned back later afternoon. Y/n went to take a shower. After she heard arguing downstairs. She knew she shouldnt have but she sat on the step hearing it. "Why would you tell her that?!" Negan yelled. "Well i wouldn't have if i known she was going to tell you like some puppy !!" Lucille said back. "She was worried!! She got nervous with all the pressure you put on her!!" Negan replied. After a while y/n couldnt stand to listen. Negan had broken a promise and the yelling was making her remember things shed rather forget.

She walked into guest room sitting on the bed. At some point.she mustve fell asleep cause she opened her eyes when her bed dipped. She saw negan laying next to her. "Hey" he said softly. "You promised" she replied. He looked ashamed. "I had to say something. She used your feelings and put too much pressure on you. She......she knows our history and she used it. I had to fix it" he said. "But you made it worse......and the yelling......." she mumbled. Negan didnt say anything after.

Negan pulled her closer. They stayed in silence till she fell alseep. Being told to be with negan wouldve been her dream at 15 but at this point with negan married and her being told if said wife dies to love him BY said wife. This hurt her but seeing how casual negan has been the whole time.....that not only hurt but scared her.

#walking dead #the walking dead imagine #negan #the walking dead negan #jeffrey dean morgan #jdm #negan x reader #x reader #negan imagine #rick grimes #norman reedus #daryl dixon #maggie rhee #rosita #glenn rhee #carl grimes

[leovaldezaskblog]

Leo Valdez Hates Himself

2this is going to be an OOC post but i was thinking last week after a really tough therapy session about how much i relate to leo. 

its made pretty clear in the series that leo really doesnt like himself for a few reasons and covers it up with jokes and a sarcastic smile but i started really looking into some reasons that were talked about and it just hit me. this kid fucking hates himself so much. 

one of the reasons that was touched on quite a bit when we were getting to know him was that Tia Callida noticed his powers early on and tested him by placing him in the fire where (i recall correctly) he fell asleep or was otherwise comfortable. now let me just say that i wasnt really raised in a very traditional household but my extended family, my tias and abuelas are/were very religious, crosses over doorways and beds, portraits of jesus on the walls, a very worn bible on the bedside table, church every sunday, the whole deal. let me tell you, if i ever told my family that i practice some forms of witchcraft, they would loose their minds. imagine how people around leo wouldve reacted if they saw that he could SUMMON FIRE FROM HIS HANDS. he would immediately be feared by anyone who practiced religion seriously. 

now that were talking about the fact that he can conjure fire, id like to bring up how he blamed himself for the fire that killed his mother. that in itself would fuck a kid up. loosing a parent that young will really affect a kids head. but add the fact that he can summon flames at will and his mother died in a huge fire. obviously hes going to blame himself for killing one of the only people who really showed their love for him in a meaningful way. the trauma of loosing his mom is enough but blaming himself is a different story. in my situation, it was different because i was put up for adoption by my mother who said she wanted to be part of my life. when i turned 2 and began to know her voice on the phone, she stopped calling, the aunt she was living with always said she wasnt around and eventually the phone line was disconnected. i always had this awful feeling that i caused that. even though rationally that doesnt make total sense but growing up knowing your mom didnt want you then changed her mind about wanting to speak to you on the phone once every 6 months really hurts. 

lets move on to his ADHD now, shall we? this is the one that had me begin to relate to him in the first place. i was diagnosed with ADHD when i was 7 because if someone dropped a paper clip on the floor and i saw, i had to go grab it. i was up and down from my seat, squirming, talking out of turn, sitting in my seat backward, not paying attention, had trouble with friends, the whole shebang. there was hardly a week that went by that i wasnt called annoying, too loud, too squirmy, too much. let me tell you that my ADHD is the root of a lot of my depression. i cant stop myself from talking even when i have the thought of “i need to be quiet”, i cant stop moving, my focus is everywhere, my speech is disorganized and then to hear that im annoying was just the worst. my peers said it as if i didnt already know. as if i dont live with it every day. that fucking hurts. im sure this was the same in the series. as much as you laugh and shrug it off, it hurts. knowing that you are fundamentally irritating to everyone around you, hurts and it makes your existence feel like a chore. you learn how to be the funny one so people will tolerate you and you bounce from group to group, never settling because if you do, they will get sick of you. we obviously see that constantly in leo where hes the funny guy who is helpful by fixing things.

ADHD to this day makes me feel stupid. i cant have a normal conversation about school or classes without crying or ending up suicidal, because i know that no matter what, how hard i try, i WILL fail my classes. i never had any clue until i was 17 that i had an above average IQ at 120 which is a point away from a Superior IQ. i thought i was fucking stupid because i couldnt get anything over a C at best and on average got a D. its so discouraging to want to learn when you know that you can put all your effort in and want to learn and then find out that you learned it wrong or just cant get the hang of it. its cannon that leo was solving college level math problems at 7 years old, he is cannonically a genius and you cant tell me he didnt deal with that hatred of himself for having trouble paying attention in his classes. 

im going to move on to a headcannon that i have but i wanted to throw it out there. i cant see leo as anything other than a repressed gay (maybe bisexual) kid. how hard he tried to be normal and get a girlfriend, how much stock he put into having a girlfriend, how much he felt left out for not having a partner. in mexican culture, being gay is one of the worst things you can be. of course its getting better but gay men still come up missing or wind up dead after coming out or being outed. the idea that hes gay would be unfathomable to him so he covered it up by flirting with every girl he saw and being so aggressively out there when speaking with girls he didnt know. he just couldnt handle the idea that he could be a man attracted to other men so he covered it up. maybe i just like this idea because i ship leo and jason but i cant help but feel like he repressed it so hard because he was terrified. 

i really think leo was terrified of himself. and that he really fucking hated himself.

#leo valdez #heroes of olympus #all of this is just from my experience but i deal with such terrible hatred of myself that it makes me suicidal on a weekly basis #i think i have room to talk here #hoo #leo valdez roleplay #percy jackson #pjo

[jackalopefreckles]

I feel like Ive aged at least 6 years since covid started. Im angrier. Less adapted to being outside then I used to be- which is saying a lot. This time last year I was?? Actually healthier mentally then I had ever been and looking forward to having the house alone for a month which?? Was the most freedom I wouldve ever had.

A lots fucking changed. I drove halfway across the country- all 30 hours at once with my big brother AND two elderly dogs, plus my cat. All animals on too many drugs (the vet said they couldnt overdose, and then failed to give any further instruction) cami peed on herself twice, unable to move. I had to waterboard her in Phoenix, a truly terrifying hell city where all the roads are raised and overlapping and its a hot as shit cause its?? What june?? Time was so fake this year I mustve just been stoned the whole time till I ran out of weed, and since moving its been a relief to be able to turn off the spinning anxious thoughts for a few hours

my big brother joined us. He brought a new dog with him which?? Is always a lot, plus I have this pack of dogs now cause the puppy wouldnt leave the super cancer ridden dog alone, and Im able to get her cbd regularly here, so shes always comfortable now instead of just?? Sometimes which is a lot nicer. We didnt think shed make it to chrisrmas. I thought shed die with me home alone to take care of everything, like always. It was almost a relief, I wouldn't have to coach my brother through the grieving process at least, and I had already finished. Its hard now even, for me to realize she might even have another christmas (but I wont hold my breath)

I feel safer going outside here then I did in Austin. I only went out a handful of times in texas, for the last few months I was ordering almost all groceries, and only going to the store once mask mandates were mandatory (theyre not anymore. Im so worried for texas. I missed a huge freeze by mere months. I dont think my elderly dogs wouldnt survived it. If I was alone with them, Im not sure I woudlve.

My parents took my brother to mexico with them. I begged them not to go, told them how irresponsible it was to travel across boarders. To visit an island and take all the plane germs with. I told them that even if my mom and brother were staying at home all day with me, my dad was still going to work and he didnt know what his coworkers were doing. That they wouldn't know what the people on the plane were doing. That at any point they could become the stupid americans that killed half an islands population.

They left a week after today last year. The boarders were closed the next day. Their friend has been traveling back and forth ever since. I have no idea how, except for the fact shes white and rich and wont hesitate to destroy a child, so I can only imagine how shed treat costomer service.

I will no longer allow this angry aggressive woman to ever make me feel bad, and I will allow myself to finally fight back. Im an adult, maybe not all the time (cause lets be real I'll always be a bit too eccentric for most) but when I get angry and allow myself that anger, it's not a bad thing. Anger doesn't have to make me feel like Ive done something wrong. Im usually very just in my actions, and I wont allow my parents influence to tell me all anger is misdirected and hurtful for reasons I couldnt understand. Its okay for me to be angry.

I think being alone with animals for months is at least reassuring that my childhood was unreasonable if nothing else. Which of course is a silly polite society term for pretty fucked, if nothing else.

My aunt had to gall to say weve had a good 2020 cause our family wasnt hurt, and I had to walk away from the zoom call. I haven't attempted communication with any of them since, not that I normally do. Of course none of us died, all rich old white people, most of them retired and able to stay home all day (not that all of them did, I learned about my grandfathers routine and just.. Im honestly surprised no one got it yet. Of course I knew from the beginning if anyone was gonna get it and die, it probably wouldve been me. Hence the 8 months of solitude before the move.

Was the move in August?? Im so unsure about time. Even with 2020 vision.

I tried to date when I moved here. Strictly on tinder. What was the point? On and off testosterone due to the wonders of texas, hadnt changed my body nearly as much as they should've a year after being on them. I look much more handsome now. Im also allowing myself to toss gender aside completely. He/him doesn't mean man, and they/them dont mean nonbinary, so why not mix them since Im?? Not really either.

It wasnt even a thought process like that to start. Much more "this is nice" which I think more gender should be allowed to be. Dont gotta be deep just comfortable.

I wont ever allow my parents to forget what they did. I ended up with three dogs I didnt want (I was so looking forward to not having any dogs) and I ended up taking care of my brother. Again. Its easier without my parents at least. Everything always is. My dogs are even happier. Cami finally isnt anxious 24/7. Again, a sad reminder my childhood wasn't great. Daisy is healthier. Trauma can be stored emotionally or with health issues, often both. I think the cancer dog getting better and?? Surviving and thriving so much longer then the vet said (how good was my old vet?) Is another unfortunate nail in thay proverbial coffin.

Im not as soft and openly loving. Im even more touch starved somehow. Harsher. I still want to choose love and compassion, but Im not letting myself fall into the trap of being so nice people wont be nice to you. Fighting back is something I wont feel shameful about, because it never stopped me from doing it completely anyway.

I was already reaching this on my own though. This was just more coffins, more nails. This didnt need to happen. We know our government let this happen. Its still letting it happen. Im not sure when Im getting my vaccine. My big brothers sick of quarentine and keeps trying to get us to go out. Sometimes I yield, and we go to a park, or the top floor of the parking garage. I get a vegan hotdog from nearby. We talk and laugh and were genuinely just. Boys being boys.

I shouldn't have to deal with parent shit anymore. I do though, especially since two out of three are unemployed and we can really only afford to live here cause of them (they owe me if anything though. Especially with my brother and these animals) I hope I can get a job soon. Or maybe even go back to school. Im lucky I had so much saved up (for top surgery, which I guess wont happen before Im 25 like I really tried for. I wouldve done it before now, but texas waitlists and rules kept holding me up. I literally went to an appointment in dallas, a 4 hour drive, just to found out the surgeon canceled on me for the second time)

Its incredibly depressing, and I know Im lucky to have had that stash. So many people didnt have anything and lost so much. People lost people. Half a million at this point. I remember when it got to 300,000 and I just?? Felt so awful it was so close to how many people we lost to AIDS. Its over that by so many now. It doesn't really stop, does it??

Is that catholic guilt?? Or maybe just irish guilt in general. Is it something I inherited or earned through all the end of the worlds and once in a lifetime recessions Ive been through. Im not sure how many off the top of my head, theyve been coming since I was so small and its always more and more. Im not even catholic anymore. I cant stop being irish though, even though the brits tried (and succeeded. Weve lost a lot. The current royal cotastrophy is bullshit as well, the only person who deserves a royal title is from Meniappolos

My home is decorate all inside for st patrick's day. My big brother loves it so Im going all out, and its def making me feel much more irish then usual (which is a lot Im over half)

I think I just wanted to say Im not the same. I hope I can still be happy an obnoxious is public. I wonder if I remember how

#TIRED #happy covid anniversary #time to post this without reading it lmao #long post #rambles

[aidenoes]

Im kinda bored so this is a little story time about a toxic best friend i had for many many years

Tw : s*lf-h*rm, s*icid*l thought, forced coming-out

To make the story easier let's call her Fish.

So... it started in primary school, i had moved out into a new city when i was in 3rd grade. That's when i first met her and we never really talked much. Then came 5th grade when we actually became friends.

And middle school happened and that's when everything went downhill real fast. In 6th grade i was still friend with her and i tried to get along with her other friend who was a bitch at that time, and i was too, so we never got along (even tho she is now my best friend bc we realised how much Fish was toxic lmao). So i had made new friends and she had too but we still made up over time and the other girl wasn't hanging out with us anymore.

Moving on to 7th, there was a new girl that came at the school at the beginning of the school year (who is also my bestfriend, props to her for staying with me all these years) and Fish immediately started talking to her. Eventually we have a group of 5 friends :me, her, our boyfriends and the new girl. The thing is that there was a trend of s*lf-h*rming yourself just to pretend to be depressed and sad, and Fish was one of the people who followed that trend. Me, being an absolute idiot, had no idea of the gravity. Well, i mean, i knew it was bad but my bestfriend was doing it so it's fine right ? No, it was not and i almost gave in to but i was afraid to harm myself so i never did. And that example is just to show how much i copied her, i destroyed my relationship bc i wanted to be like her and my ex-boyfriend was so good to me. Her relationship was like an light switch, you never knew when they were back together or not. We also had a skype group and messenger group of just three people: me, her and the new girl. Me and the new girl would badly roleplay and she would tell me, and only me, that i was cringy and leave the group chat like that. And i had no right to tell her i didn't like something about her, but she could though ? I let it slip anyway. I thought i was really happy, then came the worst year of my school life.

8th grade. At this point, Fish and her boyfriend had broken since he apparently abused her (im not sure since she is prone to lying) but i was still in good terms with him. Well we were not the best of friends but i wouldn't punch him (now i would bc he became such a fucking dick). But Fish started to become distant, as if she didn't want me around anymore but i ignored it thinking it was all in my head. One day, our teacher assigned us new places in class and i was next to her ex-boyfriend. We of course talked in class and laughed together. But out of nowhere, she started doing the sign where you slit your throat with your finger, y'know ? I thought she was doing it for kidding and i was just really confused, it was break after that class anyway so i can ask her wtf that was. She came to me and thought i was plotting against her with her ex-boyfriend and just told me to go fuck myself basically. I waited for my now ex-boyfriend and my friend to come-out of their class and explained to them what happened while containing my tears. They tried to go to her and try to understand wtf went wrong and funfact: nothing went wrong and she was just being a bitch and i later learned she just wanted to move on and discard everything from the past year, including me. But i didn't know that, i thought i broke everything, i thought i broke our group friend, i felt guilty and i felt, alone. My boyfriend that got out of school just before me went to my mom that was there to come pick me up, that i wasnt really well and he went away when i got out. My mom did ask me what was wrong and i told her that i'll explain when we're home. At home i explained everything and broke down in my moms arm, i dont know if i cried out of anger or sadness, but seeing me cry was enough for my mom to hate her with all her guts. I've felt so lonely after that. I had no one to eat lunch with, i had no one to be in group in class with and i had no idea of how to occupy my brain when i had no one to talk to, i read in the morning waiting for the friends i had left, i would draw whenever i had to wait alone and i would eat fast to get out the fastest possible. I also lost everything i was since at that time i was like a sponge of personality and just squeeze out whatever the personality people wanted out of me. I had lost everything and i didn't want to be here anymore, i just wanted to die honestly. And i think i wouldve if i didnt think there was my family and my friends. However, it does not end here ! Bc my dumb ass made so many more mistakes ! Bc one day in our technology class i had to work with her for an assignment and we gradually made up until we became friend again, but i was still wary of her and my s*icidal thoughts were still very present. So i was still very toxic and pushing the people that were there for me away. My boyfriend broke up with me. I didnt know what to do, but looking back this was such a good decision for him and for me. I am so thankful for him to have broke up with me, but at that moment i was a bit hurt but at the same time i saw it coming so i had so time to grief about it. A month later my mom decided to bring me to Mauritius (where she is from) bc she thought i had a hard time no having her around for the first time which is kinda true but not all the truth. I had no wifi and no way of contacting anyone. That was so refreshing ! That's when i started to understand that i had the right to think for myself first and not be a fucking carpet for everyone to walk on. I was not out of the shit but i started to understand how to get out.

9th grade, was my savior. This was the best year of my life with nothing to worry about except an exam at the end. You remember the girl in 6th grade that was a bitch ? Yeah we became close friends during that year bc i realised she was a bitch bc she was badly influenced on in 6th and 5th grade. And the new girl remember her ? That's also the year when we got close, the year where we became best friends, when i learned to be and love myself and the year when i started to stand up for myself. I have some bad daddy issues and i have almost always shared my problems with Fish but i started sharing less toward the end of 8th grade. One day i was complaining that i had to be basically the messenger bird of my parents and she looked at me annoyed and tell me 'why don't you go to the police ?'. Like we didnt ??? Like she thinks that my dad was harassing my mom and we didnt ?? That's basically saying 'don't be' to someone who is sad. And i explained that to her and she was like 'don't complain to me if you're going to flip off like that when im giving you a solution', excuse me bitch... what ? I was hella mad. She came fake apologising like a few weeks later. And one day she came out to me as pansexual, great for her, and i was also questionning my gender and thought i was genderfluid so i came out to her. She was like 'oh ok' and i sent her some memes about genderfluidity and she was like 'stop this is annoying'. So i shut my trap. I also learned that during a school i didnt went she faked some anxiety and was being a bitch bc her friend wouldnt come to a shop with her even so another one was ok with going with her. I eventually started to understand that she was bad for my mental health, so i just started ghosting her bc i just didnt want to talk with her anymore and i didnt know how to confront her. She came up and grabbed and pulled me by my backpack that was full of shit just to ask me why i didnt answer to one of her text. I was so scared i just told her i wasnt feeling well and just told her i needed time. The year went by it was great and i didnt want to be in cold with Fish but i also didnt want to be her friend, i wanted to just be classmates, however when she was told this she understood : 'they want to be friend again'. So she clung with us next year.

10th grade, was last year and was full of drama. And we only had 6 months of school. 10th grade is the first year of highschool and the only year where we don't have an exam. I also had a forced new friend that we're going to call Taz so we don't get mixed up. She was also very clingy and it felt like having a leech stuck to me. And Fish was being very, let's say embarrassing and making us feel uncomfortable. She would make ton of sexual joke and we told her it was making us uncomfortable but she would apologise just to do it again the week later so we just gave up. She also outed me in class, thankfully the class was really noisy and only my bestfriend heard it but this fucking bitch just asked outta nowhere 'so you're still on this whole thing about being genderfluid or what ?' And she wasnt talking low, she was talking loud and clear. I felt so embarras and i hoped that no one else heard it. I answered as very quietly 'no.. i think im genderqueer now' and she just said ok. That's also around when i discovered im bi so i was so glad that i didnt tell her about that. And a few months later there was some shit going around about bullying and Fish was one of the targets. And let's say that our english teacher held up a trial so i opened up my big ass mouth to talk and defend Fish. And guess what, Taz just blurted out that i and my best friend were bullying her. Excuse me ? I defended her ass and when i talked to her about it she told me 'no you didnt, you just yelled at me once in physics'. So bc i yelled at her bc she wouldnt listen to me when we had to work i bullied her ? What a thank ! And when i tried to talk it out with Taz, she fucking ignored me and left. I was enraged. I was crying out of fucking rage and still aced a test in english. At the end i explained everything to my crush while i was walking home with her bc she lived next to my moms restaurant. When i stepped into the restaurant, there was my moms friend, which im kinda close to, and my mom who asked me how was my day i cried out of anger. They comforted me and supported me. At school, one day the assistant director called me and my best friend in his office. And told us that in highschool there are no bullying only misunderstandings (i dont really agree with that but anyway) and asked us our side of the story. We explained that we didnt get along with her anymore and made it very clear that we were uncomfortable with her but she wouldnt take a hint. And we left the office just like that. The assistant director probably told Fish our side and she never went to talk with us bc of covid.

Now, im in 11th grade, we do not talk anymore and this feel so much better. Now i'll just drop some bonus drama

She accused me of drowning her when it was her ex-boyfriend that did and made her scared of water, while i was there to support her when she was dealing with her phobia.

And her mom thought that i was a bad influence for her sweet sweet daughter when she was the one to incite me to c*t myself like paper, wow ok.

This is just a personal share and just maybe a way for others to recognise the toxic behaviors of fake friends.

#story time #toxic friendship #toxic friend #have fun reading this #i am still mad sometime #but only sometime

[askthetotallynotdehsquad]

kleinsen being good and soft

Ava: teehee (Evan doesn’t know Jared likes him yet)

——————

Evan: *packing bc he’s sleeping over at Jared’s house??*

Jared: *puking up flowers and blood cause hanahaki*

Evan: *knocks on the Jared’s door* Jaredddddddd

Jared: f-fuck um- oNE S-SECOND- *pukes more and one whole flower and then stops cause thats all of them for today lol xD*

Evan: *puts his headphones on bc he’s waiting??*

Jared: *cleans up the bathroom and wipes his eyes cause he was crying cause it hurt and puts the flower in a bowl where he kept all of them cause it's a water lily cause I like them and opens the door for evan* hi, sorry I took so long, come in

Evan: *puts his headphones around his neck* it’s fine dude *walks in* I haven’t been here in forever oh my god-

Jared: *rubs the back of his neck* heh- yeah

Evan: *looks at thy Jared very concerned* you okay dude? I’m surprised you haven’t made a joke by now

Jared: im surprised you haven't kissed a tree! I'm fine, lol

Evan: *giggly boye* you sure?- Wait, why are your eyes so red? Are you smoking weed?!

Jared: um- yes?

Evan: uh- where should I put my bags? I don’t know if any of the house rules changes- since last time you didn’t let me touch anything-

Jared: we can bring them to my room cause thats where we're sleeping I guess

Evan: okay? *runs upstairs and falls in the process* OW

Jared: oh shoot- are you okay? *runs over to evan*

Evan: yeah- I just tripped that’s all! *smiley boye* *walks into thy Jared’s room*

Jared: *follows the evan* uh so you can sleep on my bed and I can sleep on the floor or whatever

Evan: dude it’s your house- I’ll sleep on the floor-

Jared: well like you’re the guest or something I don’t know

Evan: hhhhhh *flops on his bed* what do you wanna do

Jared: I dont know- wanna watch a movie?

Evan: sure! *sits up and sits against the pillows*

Jared: *sits next to evan* ummm... let's watch..... uh.... *puts on Hercules cause yes* this.

Evan: dork *giggly boye*

Jared: *red boye* shush-

Evan: wow Jared Kleinmen is blushing, from Evan Hansen- who ever thought

Jared: ugh- *hides face* i hate you tree man

Evan: love you too bathbomb

Jared: *feels a lump in his throat because I researched and like if you get affection from the person you love the symptoms get worse* um- i need to use the bathroom be right back *walks to the bathroom*

Evan: okay!

Jared: *locks the door and starts hanahaki-ing for like 5 minutes*

Evan: *walks to the bathroom door and knocks on it* you okay dude?

Jared: yep! I'm g-good just give me a s-second- *hanahki-s a full water lily cause thats what his flower is apparently* *also thats how he knows it's over for now*

Evan: okay! I’ll be in your room- I’ll pause the movie for you!

Jared: o-okay! *coughs up some more blood and cleans up*

Like- 5 minutes later: skskksksk

Jared: *walks in to his room and puts the lily in the water bowl*

Evan: you have...water Lily’s in your...bathroom?

Jared: a lot has changed, evan. *sigh* a lot

Evan: *sighs and hugs the Jared*

Jared: *blushes and hugs the tree* soooooo... why are you hugging me?

Evan: you seemed sad- and you don’t get enough love

Jared: *metaphorically melts into the hug and lays his head on Evans shoulder*

Ali: (I'm sorry im so used to being a bottom)

Ava: (Dont worry dude bc same)

Evan: *ruffles the Jared’s hair* you okay?

Jared: ......huh? What? Wait yeah I'm good haha *stops hugging the evan and is v red* so uh- wanna keep watching the movie?

Evan: sure! *sits on his bed and closes the blinds so it can be dark* it’s like a real movie theater!

Jared: yeah! *in his mind cause I feel like it 😋 (how in the fucking fuck can someone be so god damn cute-)

Ava: dang Jared

Evan: *unpauses the movie and leans against the pillows* *puts an oversized hoodie on uwu*

Jared: *(what in the frick frack cracker jack)

Evan: *rests his head on Jared’s shoulder teehee*

Jared: *blushblushblush*

Evan: is it bad I’ve never seen this movie-

Jared: I mean i dont know I guess?? *worried he'll have another hanahaki attack with all this love ;-;*

Evan: Jared...are you okay? Ever since I got here you’ve looked like you’re going to throw up- should I leave?

Jared: nonononono!!! It's fine!! I'm fine!!

Evan: *hugs the Jared from the side* no you arentttttt

Jared: e-evan i- *starts coughing up blood*

Ali: (he wasn't gonna confess he was just flustered :/)

Evan: holy shoot! Oh my god!- *runs to get towels*

Jared: *keeps coughing up blood and now- some flower petals*

Evan: *comes back with towels and sits down in front of Jared then looks at him* here du- are those...flowers?

Jared: n-no. Y-y-yes? *starts sobbing cause it hurts a lot ouchies* i-im s-so-sorry *coughs up more petals and blood*

Evan: hey hey hey- it’s okay Jare- I know what this is- cough it all up *rubs his back*

Jared: *starts coughing up wayyy more and even some full lilys bc like I said affection makes it worse*

Evan: oh shoot sorry! I forgot- *steps away from the Jared*

Jared: *coughs up a bit more and one like- huge heccin lily thats glowy pink (normally theyre white) :0*

Evan: oh my god..-

Jared: i-im sorry I'll- I'll clean this up- *starts cleaning up quickly and gently puts the pink one in the center of the bowl*

Evan: y-you like m-m-me..-

Jared: what?! No thats- thats insane haha-

Evan: y-yeah....insane

Jared: *picks up the bowl, sits down, and puts it on his lap* *oh and pushes them around gently with his finger*

Evan: Jared....can I um...tell you something?

Jared: hm?

Evan: I um....please don’t hate me- but...Ive liked you for awhile now. You’ve been really nice to me lately and I never knew why, but now I do. It’s fine if you have hanahaki because of Connor- it’s fine if you don’t like me- I’m just hoping this doesn’t trigger it-

Some of the smaller flowers: *die*

Jared: wait- wait hold up- wait- wait really? *starts crying* no no... no youre just playing with me- this is all a dream- stop- no-

Evan: Jared, I’m not messing with you...you aren’t dreaming- I like you

Jared: ohmygosh- oh- ohmygosh- *puts the bowl back down on the table and is still muttering ohmygosh to himself* *blushy boye*

Evan: *laughs a little* calm down Jare

Jared: *sits back down and looks at the ground* you know... I had.. that was 29 flowers.. one more and.. I wouldve died......

Evan: am I allowed to like...- touch you now?

Jared: yeah-

Evan: *hugs the jared*

Jared: *leans on the evan*

Evan: *pulls away from the Jared and looks at him then....kisses him teehee*

Jared: *flustered for a moment but then kisses him back*

Evan: Jared, I- I love you

Jared: I love you too you dweeb *kisses him agian but more make-outy?????*

Ava: Ali what-

Evan: *big blush man*

Jared: *pulls apart and gives him a look like is this okay cause catie told me once that you should do that*

Ali: (shush I dont know what words are)

Evan: *laughs* Jared you are such a dork, I love it

Jared: w-wELL-?!

Evan: *giggly boye*

Jared: *smiles* just kiss me already you acorn *kisses the evan agAiN*

Evan: *kisses thy Jared*

Jared: *runs his fingers through thy Evans hair*

Ava: Ali- where is this going

Evan: *big blush man*

Jared: *makes out with evan wow I did it im proud of myself :)*

-later-

Evan: *his hair is all messed up* so that happened-

Jared: *red boye* yeah-

Evan: you’re a good kisser Kleinmen

Jared: *giggle sk* no u

Evan: uno reverse card *giggle sk*

Jared: ugh fineeeeee- *fixes his glasses cause they were tilted cause ;)*

Evan: well I never got to watch the movie- I guess I’m too hot to handle

Jared: pretty much

Evan: o-oh I was j-joking- *hides under the blanket*

Jared: *giggles* youre such a dweeb

Evan: *still under the blanket* shushhhh

Jared: *goes under the blanket and cuddles the evan*

Evan: *pink boye* *wraps his arms around the Jared*

Jared: *falls asleep*

-a couple hours later-

Evan: *poking thy Jared* Jareeeeee wake uppppp

Jared: *wakes up* momm its nott- oh hey evan-! *blush boy*

Evan: I never knew I looked like your mom *laughs*

Jared: nO thats disgusting eww- she just- normally wakes me up on Saturdays thinking its school. She's werid.

Evan: how- it’s Saturday?? I can’t even remember anymore

Jared: *shrugs* I have a good memory I guess

Evan: I’m just gonna say, I never thought in a million years, the Jared Kleinmen would like cuddles

Jared: *giggles* oh evan you dont even know

Evan: what else are you hiding from me

Jared: *becomes way to red to even speak* noTHINg-

Evan: tell meeeeeee pweaseeeee

Jared: *hides under his blanket* nO-

Evan: Jared I swear to god if you’re kinky like my brother-

Jared: no ew gross what huh

Evan: tell me Jare Bearrrrr

Jared: no-

Evan: hmmmmmm okay fineeeee *stares at the Jared* you’re really pretty...-

Jared: youre really hot

Evan: oh I- I- um..- *v v v v v v red*

Jared: *giggly boye*

Evan: that was very unnecessary Kleinmen *crosses his arms while being v v v red*

Jared: it's true

Evan: *puts his hand on his cheek and kisses him teehee*

Jared: *pulls him closer and kisses him back*

Evan: this is very gay

Jared: *finger guns* yeperino!

Evan: *giggly boye* you are so weird, but I love you

Jared: can we get back to kissing? (Please? Yo. Every action has an-)

Ava: equal opposite reaction-

Evan: o-oh y-yeah- *kisses the Jared*

Jared: *kisses the evan but ~~ly*

Evan: *is basically in Jared’s lap at this point-*

Jared: *has his arms wrapped around Evans hips ;))*

Evan: *has his arms wrapped around Jared’s neck;))*

Jared: *kisses evan but more ;))-y*

Evan: *big blush man*

Jared: *keeps kissing Thy evan shook :0*

Evan: okay Jared calm down *giggly boye*

Jared: *shrugs* youre just a really good kisser, acorn *stares at Thy evan smiling :)*

Evan: shush bathbomb

Jared: *in an amazingly good British accent because I feel like Jared would have a amazingly good British accent* oh evan my good sir, youre such a peach *kisses Evans hand* now if you'll excuse me for a moment, i shall go get food *goes to get food*

Evan: Jared wha- dork!

Jared: *yells from the kitchen* treeboy!

Evan: Adorable!

Jared: goddamn you! *comes back to his room and he has um.. spaghetti* f o o d

Evan: my mom knew this was going to happen- she knew you liked meeeeeeee *looks at the Jared*

Jared: well your mom is smart *we eating*

Evan: oh and I uh- I bought you something the other day- *gives him a bathbomb*

Jared: you know me so well *wipes a fake tear from his eye* ironically, i got something for you! *goes under his bed and grabs a succulent and gives it to evan* you can name it if you want-

Evan: *:0* I love it!! *hugs the Jared*

Jared: yay! *hugs the evan*

Evan: *snuggles in the Jared XD owo*

Jared: *plays with evans hair 0w0*

Evan: jare...will you be my boyfrienddddd

Jared: *straight face* no of course not... *smiles really wide and kisses the evan* dUDE OF COURSE!!! *v v smiley boye*

Evan: *breaks into a giggly fit and falls out of the Jared’s grip* yayyyyy

Jared: *teehee* hey evannnn guess whattttttttttttttttttt

Evan: whatttttttt

Jared: I love you *giggly boye oWO

Evan: I love you toooo!

Jared: so what are you gonna name the little guy? *sits on the ground with evan cause he fell or something and puts thy succulent in his lap*

Evan: hm...jelly bean!

Ali: im gonna make jared be able to do any accent really well and you can't stop me

Jared: *commits cowboy accent* howdy there jelly bean what are you doin' round these here parts

Evan: Jared what the hell!? *laughing*

Jared: *starts laughing too and is still committing cowboy accent* what? this is how I talk! Ya got a problem with that mister? *laughing so much sksjsksmskk*

Evan: n-no! This is just- *continues laughing*

Jared: *dies laughing and back to normal jared voice* jelly bean is beautiful

Evan: oh welcome back Jared, you got possessed by a cowboy

Jared: Oh my gosh I did?! *finger guns the air and looks around frantically* wOODY I KNOW YOU'RE HERE! I'LL SHOOT!! *trying not to laugh*

Evan: *cant breathe from laughing* oh my god-

Jared: *falls onto Evans lap* ohmygosh *dying laughing* i can't

Evan: *dying laughing* since when could you do all those accents?!

Jared: *shrugs* since forever I guess? I can do a lot more

Evan: oh lord please no

Jared: *giggles* okay okay- what do you wanna do now?

Evan: I don’t knowwwwwww

Jared: *puts jelly bean on the counter* wannaaaaaaa watch a horror movie??

Evan: okay! *sits under the blanket on the Jared’s bed* (it still looks like a movie theater in his room-*

Jared: *sits next to evan and puts on the man man bye*

The first death: wassup

Evan: *clings onto Jared’s arm*

Ali: oh my gosh it's literally the opposite of us

Jared: evan it has barely been 10 minutes in-

-Half way through the movie-

Evan: *screams*

Jared: *wraps his arms around evan* evy do you wanna turn it off? *genuinely concerned*

Evan: n-no it’s fine

Jared: oookayyy... *still worried*

-a bit more than halfway in-

Evan: *falls asleep*

Jared: *gently moves evan so he's laying down, turns off the tv, cuddles him and falls asleep too*

-next Day-

Evan: *wakes up* Jare bearrrr

Jared: *talks in his sleep cause I need to do this* *sleep giggles? Shut up okay* awee my little evy wevy

Evan: *big blush man but laughs and pokes the Jared*

Jared: *awakens and sees thy evan* oh h-hi evan- *big big big blush man*

Evan: how long have you dreamed of me Jare? *smiley boye*

Jared: w-well um- y-you see y-you i- um- *flustered gay distress increces*

Evan: what happened in that little “evy wevy” dream of yours

Jared: nOThIng-

Evan: awe c’mom tell your little Evy Wevy

Jared: *blushes deeper :0* nO-

Evan: okay okay- you can go back to sleep if you want baby

Jared: *is redder than a tomato* baby???? *dying* did you just call me baby??? *dying even more like wtf*

Evan: *shaking his head* mhm

Jared: *hides his face* evan why do you do this to me

Evan: awe because I cannnnn

Jared: oh my gosh *dying blushing woah*

Evan: *kisses thy Jared*

Jared: *kisses thy evan back*

Evan: *kisses his forehead* go back to sleep baby

Jared: fineeeeeeee *lays down with his head on Evans lap and falls asleep*

Evan: *gently moves Jared and lays down*

Jared: *clings onto evan*

Evan: *asleep*

Heidi: Evan sweetie it’s time to come ho- AWWWWWW

Jared: *stays asleep and clings onto evan tighter*

Evan: *whisper yells* mom what the hell! Go away!-

Heidi: I am posting this on Facebook! *walks away*

Jared: *nuzzles evan*

Ali: NUZZLES YOU OWO

Evan: *goes to get up but Jared won’t let him* Jare, I have to leave

Jared: *still a singular sleep*

[cosmichoneyedblossoms]

White Sands

MERMAN Shownu X Reader

Genre: Fluffy

Word Count: 2,894

A/N: Okay, so, not gunna lie, this one was hard to write, but also fun! Thank you @xkpopobsessedx for helping me create ideas for this cutie! Anyway, I hope y’all enjoy!

Day One: 8:00 PM

“It’s been so long since we’ve been on a vacation together. What’s it been like, five years?”

“Mmm...” I hummed, scrolling through my phone. My mother tapped my leg, my eyes dragging up to see her face, “What?”

“Put your phone away. We’re going on this trip to get you out of your funk since that stupid boy broke your heart.”

“Can we not talk about Dean, please...” I asked, turning my head to look out the window.

“This four day get away at the beach should help you.”

“Yeah, because the ocean and sand can help me get rid of my depression...” 

“Don’t be like that, Y/N...” She whispered and I tuned her voice out as I watched the trees turn into beaches, tan sands fading almost to white due to the season change. The water soaking in the still warm air and bright sun, resting upon the shore line waiting to cover someone’s feet; I bet it’s starting to get cold, not like we’ll probably swim anyway. 

“We’re here.” We pulled up to a house that sat on the beach. The siding of the house colored a cerulean blue, fashioned with dark wood steps leading up to the door; even though the house was weathered, it still held some beauty. We stepped out of the car, pulling our luggage from the trunk, and then made our way up to the door. My mother opened the deep red door and we were greeted by the squeals of my older sisters, Anessa and Samantha.

“So glad you guys could finally make it.” Anessa took our mother’s luggage from her, sliding it over to the side of the couch.

“I’m sorry, girls. There was so much traffic on the highway.”

“No surprise there.” Sam grunted from the couch.

“Sorry to interrupt, but will you show me to my room, please?” I asked, Anessa skimmed over me, placing her hands on her hips.

“Well, aren’t you a sight for sore eyes. It’s been so long since I’ve seen you. I think the last time I saw you was at Christmas dinner with De—”

“All right, all right, let’s not pester, Y/N. She’s had a long week. Sam, honey, show her to her room, please.”

“Ah, okay, mom.” Sam replied, getting up from the couch. I followed her down the hall to the last room on the left and she opened the door, “Let me know if you need anything, okay?”

“Mmm...” I nodded and walked into the blinding room. Pale blue painted walls, dark wood flooring, driftwood colored furniture, white bedding, and a window seat facing the ocean.

Cute...

I opened my bag, unpacked my clothes into the dresser, then closed the curtains over the windows, and finally laid down on the bed, resting my eyes.

Day Two: 4:00 AM

I opened my eyes to a dark bedroom, the sound of the ocean waves seeping into the room.

How long have I been out?

I pulled my phone from under the pillow, the screen lighting up to show 4:02 on the clock. I laid my phone down, turning on the lamp on the side table, then getting up to pull a sweater from the dresser. I tugged it on, slipping on my shoes, and stepping out of the bedroom into the dim hallway. I padded my way across the floor into the dining room, sliding the glass balcony door open, letting the sea salt tainted air kiss my face. I closed the door behind me and walked down the balcony stairs, down into the sand. The sound of the waves crashing soothed my numb mind, my body being pulled closer to the shore; I sat down close to the water, watching it roll in and drift back out, when something moving through the water caught my eye.

A person swimming at this time of night?

I watched the body move closer and closer until I could make out his features in the moonlight— shaggy dark brown hair, soft cheek bones, but killer jaw line, thick lips, and sharp eyes.

Wow, he’s gorgeous...

He came closer until his body rested on the shore, everything but his head still under the water, “Hey...”

Is he talking to me?

I looked around, searching for someone else he could be talking to when he spoke again, “Who are you looking for?”

“I was making sure you were actually talking to me.” I confessed, tugging at the sleeves of my sweater. His eyes wrinkled as a beaming smile appeared on his lips.

“What is a beautiful girl like you doing out here in the middle of the night?”

“I could ask you the same thing. Isn’t the water cold?” I asked, moving closer to him, the water starting to touch my feet.

“Not really. I live in the water so it doesn’t really effect me.”

“Ah, you mean you’re always coming out to swim—”

“No...” The water splashed behind him and I leaned to the side, the dark red color coming into focus, “I’m a merman.” I got up to my feet, traipsing into the water, the iciness making me hiss, but I needed to make sure he wasn’t playing around with me, I needed to see if he was telling the truth.

“I thought mermaids and mermen were just old sailors tales, not real life...?” I questioned as he turned over, sitting on the ocean floor, his waist submerged under the water.

“We stay hidden for our safety.” He lifted his tail, the deep red iridescent scales glittering under the moonlight.

“What a shame, you’re a beautiful creature...” I ran my hand over his scales, his tail twitching at my touch. I flicked my eyes up to his face, his cheeks ruddied and his bottom lip caught between his teeth, “I’m sorry, I touched you without even asking,”

“No, no, that’s okay. I was just shocked you actually came out into the cold ocean to touch me.” He teased, his wet locks fell onto his forehead as he lifted his hand, “I haven’t introduced myself yet, I’m Hyunwoo, but you can call me Shownu.”

“Oh,” I took his hand into my own, shaking it, “I’m Y/N.”

“A beautiful name for someone like you.” My cheeks burned at his statement, his chestnut eyes stared into mine, his hand pulling me close, “Y/N...” My name bubbled from his lips, his voice hypnotizing me, “I’m sorry, but the sun is starting to come up, so I must take my leave.”

“Oh...” I turned towards the horizon, hints of pinks starting to tint the sky, “Has it really been that long?”

He grunted to my question, “Can I see you tomorrow night, well I should say tonight?”

“Of course you can, if you want to.” A smile spread over his lips, his teeth peeking through his lips.

“Lovely. Meet here at midnight?”

I nodded, biting my lip.

“I’ll see you tonight, Y/N.” Shownu swam out into the ocean, soon diving down and disappearing.

Day Three: 12:00 am

“You came, Y/N.” Shownu laid against the shore, just as he did the night before.

“Did you think I wouldn’t?”

Shownu pondered my question then shrugged, “I wasn’t sure, but I’m glad you did.”

“I actually came prepared this time, too.”

“What do you mean by that?” He asked as I pulled off my sweater, Shownu clearing his throat, “Y/N, what’re you doing?”

“Taking off my clothes, so I can get in the water in my bathing suit and keep my street clothes clean and dry.” I laughed, seeing his cheeks flush.

“I thought you were—”

“Oh, I know what you thought.” I teased, tossing my shorts with my sweater away from the shore and stepping into the water, taking a seat next to him. He cleared his throat once more, scooting closer to me, peering into my face.

“Y/N?” 

“Yes?”

“Has anyone ever told you that you have the prettiest eyes? Especially in the moonlight?”

I laughed a bit, nudging him, “Has anyone ever told you that you’re such a flirt?” Shownu let out a chuckle leaning into me, sighing comfortably, “I do have a question for you, Shownu.”

“And I have an answer for you... probably.”

“If staying hidden was to keep you safe, why did you show yourself to me?”

“Hmm... that’s a good question...” He flicked his tail up, sucking his teeth, “Since I was a child, I could always tell when someone needed something. May it be an ear or someone to lean on, I could just feel it in my bones and seeing you last night, I could tell something was wrong, but I didn’t need to ask since it’s none of my business...” He paused for a moment, his hand ghosting over my fingers, “I’m here for you, whatever you need, Y/N.” I looked at him, his eyes catching mine.

“Shownu...” I felt a blush start to prickle at my cheeks and I looked down at my lap, soon his warm wet fingers brushed strands of hair behind my ear, “Tomorrow is my last night here so, I wouldn’t get too attached to me.”

“I’m not going to worry about that right now. I’ll make the moments you spend with me memorable, to where you won’t forget me or want to leave me.”

“Not like I could forget meeting a merman.” I breathed, moving out into the water.

“Oh, would you like me to leave then?” He huffed, moving out into the water with me.

“No!” I exclaimed and Shownu snorted, trying to stifle a laugh, “Don’t be mean.” I splashed water at him and he chuckled.

“Oh, now it’s on.” He hissed, playfully pulling me to him, his fingers poking at my sides making me squirm and giggle under his touch. I struggled to get away from him, but his hands ceased their attack and held me close to him, his warmth spreading through my back.

“Is this where you kill me?” I joked, a laugh leaving him. 

“If I wanted to kill you, I would’ve already.” I rested my head against his chest, watching the moon ripple on the water. 

“The more time I spend out here in the water, the more I feel myself wanting to stay. For a change of scenery, to get away from my home, away from the memories that linger in that town...” I ran my fingers over Shownu’s arm, his grip tightening.

“Then why don’t you stay?”

“There’s just things I have to return to... work, school... life in general. I rather spend my time here, with you, soaking up the moonlight and avoiding stress.”

“Stress? Why are you so stressed?”

“It’s a long story.”

“We’ve got three more hours until daylight, so we’ve got time.” 

“Well...” I went into deep detail of my life for the past few months since my break up with my ex and about how I’ve been dealing with it. Every once in a while Shownu would ask a question and then fall silent again; once I finished my life story, Shownu rested his head in the nook of my neck.

“I wish you never had to go through that, Y/N... You’re such a sweet girl. If I were human, I would keep you by my side forever.” He whispered, placing a gentle kiss on my shoulder.

“You’re too kind, Shownu... We just met and I feel like I’ve known you for forever.” I relaxed into him, sighing a bit, noticing the break of daylight leaking out onto the water, “Time to go, Shownu...”

“Just a few more minutes, please.” Shownu tightened his grip on me, burying his face into my damp hair.

“Just a few, I don’t want you getting caught.” Shownu lifted his head, turning it in close to my cheek, his lips grazing against my skin.

“Alright.” Shownu held me close for a few more moments, short silent moments, before he let me go and placed a soft kiss against my cheek, “Midnight, my dear.”

“Deal.” I smiled, watching him dive down, and disappear.

Day Four: 12:00am

I sat down on the cold sand in jeans and a thick sweater, the sea salt breeze starting to get colder every night. I watched the water ripple, waiting for Shownu to appear. Pulling my knees up to my chest, I rested my head on them, my eyes getting heavy. I dug my phone from my pocket, looking at the clock that read 12:10.

Maybe he got caught up with something... He knows it’s our last night...

I hugged my legs, burying my face into my sweater to fight off the cold breeze, closing my eyes.

“Y/N...” A gentle voice called out, rousing me from my sleep. I pulled my head up for the bright sunlight to blind me.

It’s morning?

I rubbed my eyes, blinking them a few times before trying to focus on anything around me.

He didn’t show...

Warmth spread over the top of my head, causing me to look up, a shadow looming over me, “I’m sorry it took me so long, Y/N, but I’m here now...” Shownu’s voice met my ears and I smiled.

“That’s funny... you sound like—” The shadow crouched down, my eyes focusing on the voice’s face, Shownu’s features coming into focus.

“It is me, dork.” He whispered and I looked him up and down, no tail, but human legs covered by the blanket I brought out.

“Shownu?!” I squealed, jumping from the sand to face him, “H-How is this possible?” I studdered, trying to take in his body. He stood, a little wobbly on his feet.

“When my father passed, he knew I was not meant for the sea, he gave me an elixir saying that it could make one sprout legs to walk the earth. I thought it was all a joke so I didn’t mess with it, but then I met you and I needed to at least try to see if it was real... and now...” He chuckled, “I’m here, in front of you, naked...”

“Oh shit, Shownu, let’s get you inside.” I took his hand, tugging him up to the balcony, “When did you get here? How long did you let me sleep?” I walked up the stairs and then I pushed open the sliding door to be met by my mother’s and my sister’s stares.

“Y/N? Who is the naked—”

“No time to explain, mom. Anessa, do you still have some of your husbands old clothes that don’t fit him anymore?” They stared at me then skimmed over Shownu, him shyly lifting his hand, waving— them not moving, “Y’all!” I yelled, Anessa rushing to her room.

“Let me go draw a bath for him, you must be freezing, dear.” My mother looked over him once more before going to the bathroom. Sam just sat there, ogling him, her mouth slightly ajar.

“Sam, go do something with yourself...” I growled, pulling Shownu over to the bathroom, my mother sliding out to let us through. I closed the door behind us and I sighed leaning against the counter, “They’re going to be the death of me...”

“They seem nice.”

“They can be, until they see a gorgeous man walk through the door.” Shownu chuckled at my words, “Alright, merman, get into the bath.” He looked at me and then at the bathtub.

“The what?”

“The bath...” I pointed at the tub and he shrugged his shoulders, starting to get into the bathtub with the blanket wrapped around his waist, “Oh, hold on...” I took the blanket into my hands, closing my eyes, pulling it from his body.

“Can I not get that wet?”

“I mean you could, but the bath is to wash you.”

“Wash me?” I opened my eyes to be met with his confused gaze.

“Yes, wash you. Now sit.” He sat down at my words.

“It’s hot.”

“Yup, that’s how it’s supposed to be.” I took the cup that was on the side of the tub and dipped it into the water, then pouring it over his hair. I grabbed the bottle of shampoo and he cocked his head to the side.

“What’s that?”

“Shampoo, it’s to wash your hair.” I opened the cap and squirted the thick liquid into my hand and rubbed it into his hair, creating a thick lather, and then pouring the water through his hair once more to rise it out. I grabbed another bottle and handed it to him, “Okay so this is body wash, you take this...” I grabbed a washcloth from the rack over the toilet and handed it to him, “Soak that in the water and add some of the body wash to the cloth and clean your body. I’m going to go get the clothes from Anessa.”

“Mmm.” He nodded his head and I left the bathroom, Anessa, Sam, and my mother looking at me.

“What?”

“Who is that man?” Sam crossed her arms, huffing.

I laughed a little, “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you, just think of him as my new companion... Anessa, those clothes?”

“Ah.” She handed me a stack of clothes and I smiled, “When we get home, I’ll send these back.”

“Just keep them. They’re too big for him anyway.”

“Thanks.” I turned back and walked into the bathroom to see Shownu standing outside of the tub, a towel wrapped around his waist, “Oh, you’re done?”

“I think so.” 

“Well, c’mon, let’s go get you dressed.” I opened the door once again, starting to walk out when Shownu’s hand gripped onto the fabric of my sweater, following closely behind me.

Shownu sat on my bed, clothed in a pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt, his eyes roaming the bedroom. I dug in one of the dresser drawers, pulling out another towel and I walked over in front of him, “Your hair is still wet, you’re going to get a cold, goofy.” I gently rubbed his hair, drying the dripping ends, his hands wrapping around my waist.

“Is this what it would be like everyday with you?” He nuzzled his face into my chest, my cheeks burning at the feeling of his warmth radiating through my body.

“Shownu, why did you change?”

Not missing a beat, he spoke, “Because I found someone I couldn’t live in the water with, so I changed...” He gazed up at me, his unwavering chestnut eyes looking into my soul, “So I could be with you.” 

#Monsta X imagines #monsta x drabbles #monsta x shownu #monsta x hyunwoo #monsta x Shownu imagines #monsta x Shownu drabbles #monsta x hyunwoo imagines #monsta x hyunwoo drabbles #shownu imagines #shownu drabbles #Son hyunwoo imagines #son hyunwoo drabbles

[irregulardiaryposts]

00:53 21/06/2021

Hello again <3

so i think im gonna write about my mental health today because i dont feel like i have anyone who understands fully apart from myself maybe so i need to Organise my Thoughts. as a kid i had a pretty normal childhood, a mum a dad and a brother - pretty nuclear right. but as a child i felt like my family maybe wasnt quite right, that this wasnt supposed to be what family is? perhaps. - i was scared of my mum a lot because she wasnt very understanding of me - and i was a great kid, never getting into trouble, very good at school, no issues whatsover. the thing that really shows how i thought of my relationship with my mum was when i was like maybe 8 or so having a parents night and at it my teacher had nothing bad to say apart from i was kinda bossy in group settings (im sure i dont need to explain how misogynistic that actually is- i was not bossy i was a natural leader) and when i got home my mum told me off for that and i felt like she was kinda cold to me and not taking all the good things about me into consideration when telling me off for that.

i feel like thats a really defining moment in my life when i realised i cant expect adults to Understand me, realised how people treat young girls, also started my defiant behaviour maybe or was kinda one of the key moments that made me dislike certain authorities in my life, that if people wont understand me regardless of how i explain myself then i wont bother trying to be understood by people who wont matter to me. anyway yes i was scared of my mum-like petrified sometimes- but my dad wasnt great either, he also had his shortcomings. i feel like he never really cared about me like he was kinda apathetic towards raising me like a parent - i feel he would be better suited as an uncle to someone rather than a dad - the funny childish guy that makes kids laugh -not the uncaring dad that cant be bothered to really learn about his kids. and i feel im sitting here complaining about my parents when the fact is that a lot of adults should never be parents, society has conditioned people into thinking the only way to be fulfilled in life is to live vicariously through your kids when life gets to such a boring and monotonous place where you feel the need to create a new life to spice things up lmao. i feel a lot of parents regret having kids but they cannot express that regret because it was their choice and they should deal with that, also saying you regret it would be pretty horrible to the kid.

so while yes i am complaing about my parents i dont think they were Bad in any way just not that great yaknow. also i just notice all these things growing up and i feel its been pretty impactful to understanding myself and my parents. also just some anecdotes from my childhood - i used to watch my dad play video games like the uncharted games i think theyre called, and whenever i got scared i used to hide behind the couch until the scary part was over (usually a lot of guns and high energy fight scenes thats too much adrenaline for a 7 yo) and sometimes when i would take out my dad/brothers game i would get them to fo the hard parts and do other stuff myself - i dont remember many games i played apart from one of the spidermen games where u could just web around the city and not progress apart from sometimes you would come across some strippers and i accidently got into a fight with them (also hot women with umbrellas they use to fight- maybe i went near them on purpose) i would yell to my dad and get him to do it for me. also on new years eve whenever my mum was working and we werent going to any family parties we would make a bunch of food and put it out in the kitchen - wed make like homemade onion rings, chips, have crisps and dips, and a bunch of junk basically and watch like austin powers or some shit and genuinely miss those times they were so simple. but a lot of thats tainted now from what happened. also my brothers always been annoying as shit but when we were kids we couldnt be in the same room without arguing which like whatever thats how kids are esp brothers and sisters for some reason.

i think thats majority of the background needed for the rest. wait this is a little addition but i meant to mention this here so ill put it in- basically sometimes on holidays i would geniunely think my parents hate each other/ were getting a divorce like once when we were in florida in 2012 my dad convinced my mum (as well as me and my brother convinced her since we liked them) we convinced her to go on a water slide thing that u had to walk up the stairs for, it was outdoors, and it was kinda tall and then we got in one of the big donut things and it swooshed from side to side a lot and was generally pretty scary i suppose for someone who doesnt like rides esp since you had to hold on to the handles there were no buckles or anything, and so when we got off the ride my mum was big mad at my dad and like wouldnt talk to him and stuff like that which was pretty uncomfortable to have to be the 8 year old mediator of that but there was also another occasion i think (maybe also at florida) where they were made at each other and i asked my mum if they were getting divorced and all she said was 'ask ur dad' like???? no sort of consolation to this child who thinks their parents hate each other nooo just petty 'ask him' and theres also been other times when they fight/ are mad and they dont feel the need to hide it from us so i felt quite anxious around my parents sometimes.

so ahnyway . yes. when i had just turned 13 my parents split up and it fucked me up in a multitude of ways. also i cant beleive i stopped being a proper kid at 13, like as soon as i turned a teenager life hit me like a fucking truck. so the context as to why they split is still kinda lost to me ngl but they didnt tell me much anyway since i was young but my mum basically said my dad didnt love her anymore and he wanted to separate. its kinda funny because leading up to this my dad had been sleeping in the living room for like a few weeks and there was on and off fighting i could hear and i basically thought they were fighting over me and that i was in trouble and it kinda used to keep me up coz i could hear loud voices when they thought i was asleep- which is probably the cause of why i get veryyyy mad and angry when i hear my mum at like 1 am downstairs when shes drinking and im trying to sleep, probably something ive internalised (is that the word?) and made me respond so strongly to those type of noises.

anywayyyyy yes i thought i was in trouble when they were actually just getting a divorce so ... yeah you can really tell i was young and didnt understand adult issues or really couldnt figure this out myself from all the arguing and him sleeping downstairs lmao. anyway my dad moved out and it was just me my mum and my brother now and at this point my brother wouldve been about to turn 18, so although still kinda shit, not really as affected my it as a 13 yo, just to keep in mind. so i was devastated obviously and my whole world was kinda shattered but i had to hold it together a bit, also i was sometimes my mothers own therapist having to say things like 'everything happens for a reason' 'itll get better' in response to her deteriorating mental health and her questions that would be really hard for me to answer like 'why did he leave' etc (bish im a child be there for me not wallow in ur own pity, u have ur whole life to sort this out youre an adult, im a 13 you and only months away from wanting to kms hun think of ur CHILD please) anyway this left me feeling like a burden if i were to share my mental state because when my mum shared her stuff she was burdening me (AGAIN i was 13 she is an adult) so that made me bottle a lot of things up also the fact that i had no one to share it with because she works as a nurse and now shes a single mother and so she works almost all hours of most days and i dont see her much, my brother was either working at this time or just didnt give enough of a shit about me to make sure i ate.

i went from being catered to for every meal because i didnt know how to cook to suddenly no one being there for me so i had to learn how to do it myself. needless to say that lead to a bunch of unhealthy eating habbits like eating the same things every day - frozen pizza, cheese toasties, i cant think of anything else probs because i didnt make anything else just ate chocolates or didnt eat breakfast coz i woke up at 2pm. just general unhealthyness both in substance and like how healthy that was for my head yk. also this is during the summer btw so it gave me the option to be incredibly depressed - im not saying that as an edgy teen thing to say im being 100% genuine i was very depressed like textbook style - not eating or overeating, not showering/ taking care of myself, extreme lack of energy and hated doing social things coz i had to put on a farce that i was okay meanwhile i couldnt wait to get into my bed and sleep the next day and a half away.

i very vividly remember at the start of the summer holiday my friend asked me if i wanted to go out and do something and i rememeber just crying at that because i had no reason to say no but i just didnt want to and felt like i couldnt do anything and so i lied and said i wasnt feeling well and then put my phone down and curled up in my bed and cried coz i was frustrated and upset and i couldnt really understand what was wrong with me and why i was Like This.

god i didnt take into account how tired i was and how late it is when i started this huh, this isnt even half of it, but i have obligations in the mornign, the last until uni or whatever so ill put this in my drafts and finsih it somethime. alrigtht it is 02:08 btw z_z. also ive just now decided im gonna re organise my tumblr so if this ends up being an actual blog thing i can navigate it easier by adding tags and such. anywau goodnight.

20:21 30/06/2021

MOTHERFOIUHIFIUDVMKCVKM V

MY LAPTOP SHUT DOWE IN THE MIDDLE OF THSAT SO ITS ALL GONE BASICALLY I WAS DEPRESSED BURTNOUT GIFTERD KID AND IT SUCKED YADDa YADDSZ ANYTWAY

so

23:01- well. yes earlier i wrote a little about the ages 13-16 and how they sucked but whatever it got deleted the more pertinent stuff happened in the last year or so anyway.

um yeah so i started the last year of highschool as a 16 year old with a fucked up brain and never having learned any study techniques or work ethic in the slightest. i took 3 uni-level courses only one i actually wanted to do, most people take 2 at most or even 1/0 but do other classes. honestly it fucking sucked this year for school but i scraped all passes so thank god for that. so i started the year quite optimistic, or as much as i could be and in all fairness the content of this year wasnt actually that bad considering i was doing 3 hard classes but corona really truly fucked everything up and by November i had mentally dropped out of my classes but of course i still had to go to them. i feel like im an oddly independent teen because ive never had a solid parental presence in a while, like i had to do a lot for myself and maybe i should thank myself for getting me through it all because i really did pull through.

my thoughts keep drifting from what im writing coz i wanna talk about different things and im just thinking maybe i shouldve just posted the last one then added a reblog when i could be bothered to write and not force myself because if theres ever a reoccurring theme in my life is that if i force myself to do anything i will hate it with my entire being, so maybe i should just do a short synopsis and write about something else afterwards.

so i took 3 hard classes, slowly lost all motivation because in jan it switches to online classes and i could Not deal with those it was horrible, and i became more of a "troublesome student" in one of my classes *cough* maths *cough* and almost got "kicked out" of taking the class just because the teacher was a control freak but like wanted to control all of our actions and behaviour, also i think i may have adhd and another kid in my class i think he does too and surprise surprise the teacher "dislikes" him too but its only a farce because he doesnt actually dislike him its only so that i cant call him out for singling me out when other students behave "badly" too. but anyways maybe ill come back to this in a while when i can be arsed explaining my complicated relationship with my parents.

the only reason i wanted to write this today was so that i could tag the post with like june 2021 or something and not june/july, but i might make another post later, Anyway happy end of pride month i supose, hope u figure it out me!

#why does tumblr break up the paragraphs like this #there isnt supposed to be paragraphs #maybe i should change that #anyway off to fix all my post so far and tag the all like -> #june 2021 entry #2021 the year of fun

[unknownkoko]

September 23, 2017

 364 days ago, you broke my heart. You took away my soul, my joy, my trust, my life. I was helpless, hopeless, alone. I went to my best friends debut. Kept myself together for her speech, for her dance, and went downstairs and drank as i drowned in my tears. You were at a party with her. You said you were with Jerome. The next day I went to work scrubbed for the first time. I cried for an hour. I got sent home. Days passed. You were supposed to come over at 1. It was a beautiful day. It was so warm and sunny. I woke up early to get ready. Made myself look presentable, hair, makeup, positive attitude. Passport ready in hand because we always talked about a day trip we would still go on even if we werent together. 3 hours passed. All you said was “Im busy.” I was outraged. Your parents let me in. They fed me. Turon and Munchies with Pineapple juice. My first meal of the day at 4pm. 8pm. You came home with her so she waited in the car. I left your house and tapped on her window seat. “Take care of him for me.” I smiled. I walked away. As i turned the corner I gasped for air and broke out in tears. For the first three weeks, I tried. I tried to win back your love. I gave myself to you. I gave you every second of my day that was free of yours. I did whatever it took. I didn’t want to lose you, but I didn’t know you already asked her to be yours. For days, you would come over for hours, laying side by side, often skin to skin and we would just laugh, and just be us again. And then you would leave. I would close the door and take in a quick yet deep breath as though I just submerged for the water before drowning to death. Then I would run up to my room. And cry as I watched you leave. Hoping you would get out of your car and come back. Every. Single. Time. Each time that you agreed to be with me, I tried to stay hopeful, I tried to have faith. You took her to all the places we went together and to others that I’ve always begged or wished to do but you said no. I was torn. October. You were all I could think about during practice. I couldn’t focus. I’d pretend I was playing in a real game and I’d glance over to the stands imagining you there watching me. First game of the season, you couldn’t make home opener.  I didn’t see you as often but you continued to see me. November. Meghan has her debut. We went together but sat apart. We sat in your car for hours crying. You walked me to my doorstep at 230am. “I don’t know if I really love her. I don’t know if its just infatuation. I still want to be with you but its too late.” Words you continued to tell me. Words I continued to believe. You left at 4;30. “I was hoping you wouldve came back.” December, you posted pictures. You took her to places we went every year. I broke. I lost sleep, I lost hope, I lost motivation. I failed my finals. I failed my first course. January. The first two weeks, wake up, school, nap, practice, go home, blaze or drink until it felt it, cry, sleep for 2 hours, repeat. It was rough. I didn't want to go home because the moment I entered my bedroom, it felt like a cell. I felt trapped. I felt alone. I felt cold. I felt like the world was against me. All the negativity just kept pouring in. All the doubt. All the insecurities. Nothing seemed to go well. I’d be excited to go to school knowing I could sleep after my 8:30 class before my 12:30 class. I no longer went home after my 8:30 classes on Tuesdays or Thursdays before my 6:30 classes because I knew my thoughts would destroy me and affect my performance. Basketball was the only escape I had left. You were in every song, every quote, every photo, every street. I didn’t know where else to turn. February. Happy Birthday. Happy Valentines day. You told me she wasn't spending it with you. It was a family day. A special day. I was naive. Of course, she was there. It was a special day. I didn’t want to greet you. But I told myself if I did, it would be at 11:59. I wanted to be the last one to greet you. You called me out. So I greeted you. March. My birthday was coming up. You wanted to take me to Seattle and you told me a week before my birthday. You asked me to cancel my birthday dinner. You asked me to free my day. A day that I had already filled with plans. But because you booked it off for me, you asked me to cancel. I almost did. I almost went through with it. I prolonged the details for my dinner because I really wanted to go. She found out so she blew up on me pretending to be you. Two days later you give me a call while I was at work. “How could you? How could you do this to me? I could lose everything now because of you.” I cried. I finished my shift two hours later. I made plans for my birthday dinner the following night. St. Patricks day. Ashley and Dezeree threw a party. They wanted to celebrate my birthday too. His friends were there. I was okay with it. Then he showed up. “I was dropping off my friend and I was going to leave.” You knew he wasnt on the list. You knew there was a list. You knew there was no chance. The party got shut down. I drank. I smoked. I was going to stay the night. All you said to me was “How the fuck are you supposed to get home. Why would you do something so idiotic as this.” Your friends told you to leave me alone because it was 20 minutes before my birthday. Your friends drove my car, your other friends called me from the other car to greet me at midnight. We parked. You were the only one that got out of the car. You didn’t gesture or say a word. I walked away. April and May I met him. The guy that distracted me. A guy I saw potential In. June. He’s no longer around. June Happy 4 years. I went to the Amsterdam Cafe that day. He told me he was getting back together with his ex. I continued to smoke another gram. You didnt say a word. We finally burned the box. We burned any physical evidence of us. You asked to keep your cut off for sentimental value. She wore it the next day June. I was getting ready for my mission trip, No more checking up on your snap every day. No more letting myself feel pain through my 16x8 cm screen. I just loved seeing you happy. July. I have never felt so refreshed in my life. I didn’t want to go home. I wanted to leave everything behind. I wanted to stay. I learned how to be content with nature, with myself, with life itself. August. Every day was something new. A new adventure. A new experience. A new story to tell. A new beginning. September. I love myself again. I haven’t really spoken to you since June. I just wanted to have lunch. I wanted to tell you about my summer. I wanted to tell you about my problems. I wanted to tell you about how I found myself again. You finally wanted to fix things between us. We made plans. You canceled. I was buzzed. I got upset. I drove home. 4:12AM I end this post.

364 days ago.

[becausehesmyteacher]

Journal 03.07.17

LATE ASF IM AWARE So I dreamt of B again, we were sitting on the school bleachers just talking about anime and hockey and everything we havent been able to catch up on. It was amazing, so amazing i wasnt even sad when i woke up instead i was smiling while reminiscing about him. I attended classes as normal; nothing out of the usual happened. I mean during 9th period i stepped out to "go to the restroom" but i actually had to make a few calls to my dad and grandparents to make sure they were at school when it ended bc the school we were playing against was 30 minutes away and the game started 30 minutes after school. To make this clear, I was desperate to go to this game as it was where B is currently teaching and it was a chance to see him; Hes always putting it out there that he likes it way better at my school than where he was hired. Last year was his first year teaching so we were practically his first years. Too bad he got laid off at the end of last year so found a job at a nearby-ish school. So I took the long ride to the school, my grandmother doesn't like the freeway so we took the longest route possible. Luckily, I still got there on time, actually 4 minutes were still left before the game actually began when i stepped into the gym. Before that I was wandering around trying to find the gym since it wasnt labeled atop the door like my school and man the school is beautiful! I wondered how B could despise this place compared to my school. The quad was clean, the field was nearly 2x bigger than ours, and the gym is nicely set up. When I walked in there I saw the coaches who also happen to be my former teachers and right beside them on the bench was B! My heart swelled even if he was so far. I tried to act like i didnt notice when I sat on the far end of the gym. He got up and sat on the opposite end so I was staring at him for probably 30 seconds while asking myself "Am I gutsy? Am i gutsy enough to do that?" As i pondered the idea of going to say hi or perhaps even sitting besides him. I did. I got a burst of courage, Ill most likely never see him again I might as well take the chance. I stepped down from the bleachers and walked to the side that was closest to the doors. When my eyes landed on him I noticed he looked prominently different. When i had him last year he always kept his hair gelled up and his scruff shaved. But now he slicks back his hair and grew out his scruff to a beard. Not duck dynasty long but long enough for it to appear as a beard. I yelled him name and he looked over and he smiled. A smile i havent seen in nearly half a year. It was honestly the most beautiful thing ive seen in a while. I sat beside him and fist bumped him asking how he was doing. He say he was "eh" and in turn asked how Im doing as well. I said this year sucks, and that i hate it. His face contorted to look really concerned and asked whats the matter. I smiled and just wrote it off. Remember how I said this school was beautiful compared to my own? Well i confronted him about it and he went "Sure the school LOOKS nice but the kids are something else..." We both laughed at that and oh man I missed that. I missed us having moments together. The game started and he went "GO (my school)!!" His coworkers sighed, like theyve heard that repeatedly on a day to day basis. He turned to me and admitted that this was the first basketball game the whole year he attended. I asked him why if he always went when he used to teach at my school. He told me that he didnt care THAT much and its difficult since their games start nearly 2 hours after the end of school. At my school its only 30 minutes after. Kind of sad considering its a playoff game and its end of regular season. But Im glad he attended this one, its the only away game i considered attending for the sake of seeing him again. Throughout the game we talked about the players and how he had most of them, anime, and sports (ah fitting, no?). He remembered every single students he had on the team, he even texted the coaches to tell them to put his former students on the team. I couldnt tell if he was joking or not because he pulled out his phone and text messaging app but i turned away to keep from being nosy. I dont know how but i found a way to bring up how i finished a couple anime over a few weeks. He also finished a mutual anime and it turns out hes finishing up an anime i barely started. It has like 750 episodes fucken nerd i swear. I changed subject and poked fun at him and asked whats the difference between the students at my school and the ones over here. He sighed and was frank, "The kids here have no personality! They dont care about anything! Not sports, not video games, not anime! Like at your school you guys at least liked SOMETHING. You know how we have spirit week right? Well one of the days was sports day and barely anyone wore anything! Even on the Superbowl day no one cared!" I was surprised he cared that much about how students act, enough to be surprised no one cared for a sport he didnt enjoy. He rambled on and told me in highschool he used to play baseball and was the pitcher. He told me he hasnt really played since then so his aim must be bad but man that image of him as a baseball player is so cool. He is so cool. We talked about basketball (we were attending one after all) and i told him about how i played on an opposing team against these girls after school for fun and that theyre scary and aggresive even if theyre your friends. He laughed and agreed, he said that if he played these girls he would probably lose as well. That was the main points i could remember but we talked about miscellaneous things throughout and inbetween. I loved every second, his voice is the most beautiful thing ive heard in my life. And before I knew it the game was over, we lost by about 20 points, we were out of the playoffs. I shouldve been sad or frustrated but i wasnt! I walked down the bleachers with him with a smile on both of our faces. We stood in front of the bleachers and my current english teacher came up to us and joined our conversation. She laughed when she saw him and teased at him beard and hair. I wouldve been jealous but shes a middle aged woman that is married with children versus him whose single and in his 20s. I fist bumped her as well and i joked about "humanization" (a dumb joke about a meeting the teachers had about how if you interact with the students like handshakes or fistbumps will """humanize""" us students) B didnt get it so my english teacher explained and he was like "thats dumb lmao" and hes just the cutest man. We all talked for a bit before parting ways. He went out the side entrance and I went out the front entrance but just before we hit the door i saw him glacing at me before i looked back at him and waved my hand up high and yelled "It was nice seeing you B!" and he yelled back waving that it was nice that he saw me as well. I walked out and called my parents but couldnt come for another hour or so since they were at a casino that was a far distance. So i decided to explore the school since it was so pretty. I circled the building and i was singing loudly because i was so happy. I reached the back entrance and I made eye contact with a couple making out who was just staring at me because i was signing so loudly. I went silent for like 3 seconds then burst into laughter and yelled out "WHO CARES??" to myself and I began singing again. I never felt this content in my life. I reached the field and stood in one of the baseball fields they had and imagined B pitching a ball. I held onto that image for a while, there was no one in the field afterall so I was alone in my thoughts. I finally got up after a while and walked around the field and i was still bursting with energy due to being so overfilled with happiness i began running laps! Laps! You guys dont understand how un-athletic i am and to run laps voluntarily is rare. I ended up running 2 and a half laps. When i got tired i flopped down in the middle of the field and looked at the stars since it was practically night now. You could see more stars on this side of town than where i lived. It was amazing. I picked up one of those wish flowers and blew it with nothing in mind. This was the first time I couldnt think of anything to wish for. All ive been wishing for for these past months came true and i was the happiest girl alive at the moment. I whispered to him as if he were beside me, "I'm in love with you." I could swear my heart swelled 10x as big today. I havent seen him in months, 5 months to be exact, and seeing him revived feelings that were always going strong but just needed that little spark. Today the little spark was ignited. And i cant stop smiling now.

#journal #b #teacher crush #teacher crush community #tc #tcc #sorry for putting it in these tag guys but i hope you guus understand how happy I am right now #plus this journal was only supposed to be like 4 paragraphs but i got caught up in the memories

[ecotone99]

[SF]Aberration: Ruue (unedited)

About six years ago he showed up at the university I was attending in the great city of New Orleans. I don't really remember anyone knowing too much about him at first. He was new is all, and kind of just appeared out of no where. I only ever saw him in the courtyard in the middle of the school always doing something random like lazily playing a guitar, or bouncing a hacky sack. The kind of stuff that begged for attention but no one ever actually wanted to pay him any. He always looked like he was ready to give the most perfect answer to any question anyone would ask him. He held himself with confidence. The only thing is that the busy student life never permitted anyone to muster up the courage to talk to him. At first I thought he was attending. After some time passed and he was only ever in the courtyard I came to the conclusion that he was one of those people that lived close by and just hung out around campus because he didn't have any friends or anything better to do. Late one Wednesday night I found myself outside walking back to my dorm after spending too much time at my friends place drinking and playing video games. Our finals were over earlier than most students so we didn't have much to worry about except waking up for class the next morning while everyone else was still stressing over studying for tests. The peculiar part was when I walked across the grassy courtyard I saw him. He was still sitting off in the corner. This time laying on his back staring at the sky with a cigarette in his mouth. In my drunken state I finally decided to ask him his name. Stumbling over myself but not with any less courage I watched him blow smoke out of his mouth without even taking the cigarette out. "Whats your name?" I think I said, probably slurring a little bit. For the first time I saw this guy make actual contact with another human being by acknowledging my prescence. Without moving anything except his neck and eyes he looked at me lazily then continued to look at the sky. There was about a five second pause between my question and him saying, "Im Ruue" I wasn't sure if Ruue wanted anything to do with me and if I werent drunk I probably wouldve then said goobye and went on my way, but instead I just laid next to him. I looked at the sky for a minute or two. You couldnt see any stars. It was just a pale black up there, but Ruue seemed like he could see something so I asked, "What are we looking for Ruue?" Another pause, "Nothin man... I'm just really high..." Ruue knew I was drunk. I wasnt expecting him to say that and honestly I think he said it just to throw me off but after a slight hesitation we both burst out in laughter, laughing at our selves laughing at each other and laughing at the fact that there were no stars in the sky. That night Ruue told me a hard to believe story about how he woke up one day in a dorm room without knowing how he had gotten there or why he was there. He spent a few days in the room before even exiting and discovered the campus. He explained how the courtyard had the most flow of traffic and he waited every day for someone to approach him because obviously there had to be a reason he was here. If anyone was going to find him it would be in this courtyard. I asked him if I was the person he was supposed to be meeting but he didn't know. The only way he could tell is "If time begins moving forward again." I had no clue what he was on about but I felt like there was a meaning behind what he said, he just didnt even know it yet. That night we shared a blunt and went up to my dorm room, a tiny little flat with enough space for a single bed and a person to lay on the floor. I insisted he sleep in the bed after begging him to stay the night, but he wouldnt have it. We stayed up and talked for hours. He told me about the vague memories he had of his home and his roommates. The girl he loved. I told him about cliché college stuff like final exams and girls I'd never get. I wasnt sure about his intentions with me but when we finally began resting our heads I reached my hand up from the floor where I was laying and I gently grabbed his. He didnt recoil. I was happy. The next week consisted of us spending almost all of our time together. Eventually he got bored of the courtyard and joined me for my final couple of classes. That week was surreal. All the otherstudents had left. My friends bid me farewell for the break and went home to their families. Me and Ruue stayed together for the break. The school became an empty shell with us as its playthings. The peculiar night happened next. The one I'll never forget, solely because of the look of pure horror on Ruue's face that's painted in my memory until the day I die. We were still fresh and enjoying each others company. There was so much more I didnt know about him, but we were doing our routine for the past week's nights. We left the cafeteria with fattening snacks and shitty drinks, to sit at what I liked to call our picnic table in the courtyard. If I had known what was going to happen next I wouldnt have made such a connection. I wouldnt have ruined the memory of that school for myself for eternity. I wouldnt have even made eye contact with what seemed like this precious soul. But lo the following took place. A thunderous explosion and great blue light took place behind us in the center of the grassy field. My initial thought was lighting had struck but as my vision came to I saw several people standing in the spot of the explosion. There were about twelve men dressed in all black looking almost like a swat team but there were no letters on any of their uniforms. Directly in the middle of the men stood a woman. I remember her bright purple hair and long white trench coat. The most frightening bit was that all of the people who had miracioulsly appeared before us were each holding a gun. The men each had an assualt rifle and the woman in the middle held a handgun. All of which were pointed immediately in our direction. The entire scene illuminated by the dim hallogenic lights of the courtyard at night. The moment Ruue turned around and witnessed this phenomenon I could hear him say, "Here we go" I looked at him and asked, "What is that? What's going on?" I suddenly became concerned. Ruue then turned to me and said with big eyes, "I'm sorry, but the truth is you're not the reason I was brought here. Please. Please!" he begged me. "Do not cry. I have very much enjoyed our time together." When Ruue said that I became even more concerned and also frightened. I said hastely, "What is going on?" but before he could say another word the woman with purple hair was directly behind him and iterjected. "Ruue. You're not supposed to be here. I know this probably wasnt you're fault but there was a slip up and well, we have to fix it. Ruue then pleaded in a way I hadnt known him. "Please" he said. "I wont change anything. Its going to be alright." More questions flooded my head but no one was even looking at me. The woman grabbed Ruue by his arm very easily I might add. He was lanky. I couldn't imagine much muscle on him but he still struggled fruitlessly. His efforts did nothing as she began dragging him towards the other men. I jumped across the picnic table and screamed, "Hey!" At this time two of the armed men in black came towards me pointing their guns at my face. "This doesnt concern you young man. If I were you I'd get very far away from here quite soon." One of them had said in a strong voice. There wasnt much I could do. I asked what they were doing with Ruue but the other man then screamed for my silence and slammed the butt of his gun into my jaw. I felt several of my teeth fall out as I hit the ground but I kept my consciousness. Blood filled my mouth and ran down my cheek. I made the decision to maybe not say anything else, but Ruue was being held down by four more of the other men as the rest pulled out a large long piece of wood I hadnt noticed earlier. It took about six men to finally impale the piece of wood into the ground how they intended and when they cleared away I felt horror flood my body. It was a cross. The men in black had staked a huge wooden cross into the ground of the courtyard right in front of Ruue. I could here him screaming right about this time. He was scared. The woman stood next to Ruue with her back to me about twenty yards away and her gun pointed at him. She said, "You are sentenced to death by the Galactic Interdimensional Federation." and then backed away. The men in black then hoisted Ruue up above their heads and held him to the cross. His legs kicked as he cried and pleaded, "Please dont do this! Please! I don't want to die!" The men in black said nothing and if I could have seen their faces under the masks they would have been emotionless. One of the men pulled a hammer out of a bucket and at this moment I thought that they had to be kidding. Two men held Ruues right hand to the cross as another hammered a nail through it. Ruue shrieked. I'll never forget that first scream of pain. I tried to stand but they just knocked me back down to the cold grass. TAP! The man swung the hammer again. Screams. TAP! The last swing of the hammer. By this time Ruue was hyperventilating with cheeks glistining under hallogens. The men let go of his right side and let the nail hold it up. Screams. They then began the whole process again with his left hand. Ruue seemed to become numb. He was out of screams and just whimpered as they nailed his other hand down. As they let go of him he kicked one man hard in the face knocking him to the ground. To which resulted in three more men in black holding his feet to the vertical piece of the cross. The man with the hammer then pulled out a thick metal stake. I nearly fainted. They peirced both of Ruues feet to the cross with the stake. Blood. It took several more swings of the hammer than it did when they nailed his hands and strengthier swings at that. Ruue seemed paralyzed. He locked eyes with me as the men finally stood back from him. There was a moment of complete nothingness. Everything just stopped and the only sound was Ruues cries. He said to me, "You are what I was supposed to find here! Time began moving the moment I met you! I'll never forget you! Thank you so much friend!" Two of the men in black promptly tossed a liquid dousing Ruue while the woman in purple hair tossed a lit match at the base of the cross. The courtyard brightened. Ruues screams filled the air. I watched his skin bubble and turn black. His screams became a gurgle and cough until silenced forever. We all sat there for what seemed like an eternity. They all watched his corpse burn out until it was just a skinny black clump. It was dark again. The woman came to me. She said, "Whats your name?" "D-David" I stuttered. "Are you going to kill me now?" "No." she said with peirced lips. "We are here to prevent changes. Not cause them. You will never see this again." Then, they just left. The woman with the purple hair and the men in black armor, they disappeared into a flash of blue light. I was left alone in the dark courtyard with the charred corpse of Ruue, crucified before me...

submitted by /u/barrydalive420 [link] [comments] via Blogger https://ift.tt/2JYxcs4

#Blogger #Story

[ichigo-skaii]

i woke up angry at him

why didn’t he just use a condom

why didn’t he act like he respected me

why did he have to sleep with a skank

he questioned whether or not he should do it but he did it and now she’s pregnant

he keeps calling me “love” and “dear” as if he still loves me like he used to

she wants to keep the fucking baby

she literally tricked him and didnt tell him she wasnt on birth control

she wanted a kid for awhile

she didn’t give a shit that that was someone else’s boyfriend and that he wasnt hers

and he didnt care whether or not she got pregnant or else he wouldve used a condom

and now he’s acting like he never loved me

as if our hearts didn’t touch

as if he didnt disassociate for a long time because of me

he told me he appreciated me

he told me to move on today as if he didnt tell me just a few weeks ago that he didnt actually respect me enough to wear a condom and not get a girl pregnant because he couldnt keep his dick in his pants for a few weeks when i was away at college

i told him it was okay, but i didnt expect him to move on so fast like that

i’m so hurt and i feel so so betrayed

i mean, i slept with a girl but it’s not like i could get her pregnant

maybe i should write poetry or put this into my art

my art would just be angry tbh

i would probably literally just stab a canvas

it sucks being back home where we used to sleep together and be together almost 24/7

we talked about moving to kansas city together

but my last boyfriend talked about moving to oregon in a big tree house with our two other friends

and i thought it was silly

but k talked about me going to the art school

and him taking care of me instead of the other way around for once

i took care of his family and they dont care about how much he hurt me i guess

they honestly loved the fuck out of me, his dad said he’d never seen k connect with someone so well before

a lot of people said that

which also makes it harder

it sucks having loved someone who can disassociate and disconnect so easily from emotions, because all they’ll do is tell you to get over it and that it was so easy for them to stop loving you

the first time you make a genuine connection and dont feel disconnected for once and it’s ruined by distance or a lack of condom

i wonder if this would have happened had i not of gone to new england

i never have expectations for other people, especially not k, because he didn’t do shit

he doesn’t work hard for anything and nothing motivates him

not even me

or at least.. barely

i got him out of his depressive state, i got him out of the house, i made him get out and spend time with friends and people and i stopped fucking around with this 23 year old guy because i felt a connection with him and saw that i could do so much better

and then i figured out

oh wait no i cant

at least the 23 year old guy...

idk he didn’t do anything for me

k did a lot of things for me

i want to remember the good times, but i’ll stay connected if i keep doing that

how he treated me the best of all my boyfriends and guys i’d ever been with

how he was the first guy of too many to actually make me cum

and eat me out too tbh

at least long enough for me to fucking cum and feel loved

i know i need to cut all contact with him but he was my best friend too

i cant say that about another boyfriend i’ve had

k was my boyfriend and my best friend and he betrayed me and he doesn’t love me and he didn’t respect me enough to use a condom because i thought we were special that we didnt need to because we loved each other and i was on birth control and a fucking responsible adult who didnt want children let alone make someone else suffer by getting pregnant and making someone be in my debt forever and ever

he said “why is everyone trying to ruin my life” and i saw his dad coming out and maybe even his mom

i dont know if i want to see him because i’m afraid of risking seeing that pregnant skank

but i also want free weed

if he even gets that for me

i honestly cant trust him anymore

he’s lied to me so much until i called him out when i was drunk one time and yelled at him to take me home and answer questions and then we fucked and it was good and we laughed in the kitchen and i thought maybe later in life we could get back together but that’s too much to think about

that’s too far ahead in the future to even fathom

it’s like trying to imagine having a million dollars, you can’t do that because it’s so... impossible i guess to obtain

i only have high expectations for myself, i set my standards lower and lower every time i get a boyfriend and i get fucked over time and time again

he was a college drop out, but he was so smart and had high aspirations and then i learned he had no motivations to get better for himself let alone anyone else

he said something to me like “you learned how a guy should treat you” and “go find a guy who will treat you good too”

and he did treat me well, he never got upset with me, he was always patient and he understood that my mental illness fluctuated and that i wasn’t changing, but that my mental illness fluctuated

i’m only 18, i’ll find someone like that again but i’m afraid i wont too, because k is one of a kind as we all are

i wish i knew how to stop being angry at him

i don’t hold grudges, i’m going to move on, but i’m so tired of being angry

i know i need to feel everything out, cry it all out, yell about it for awhile

i think after he gives me this weed i’ll finish blocking him on stuff

i blocked him on snapchat

where we started talking, where it’s easier to see his face and adore it

even back when i was a sophomore in high school his smile always got to me and i barely even knew him then

his smile is honestly one of the things i fell in love with

when we were both high in my car and i look over at him and he smiled at me and then grabbed the wheel because i didnt want to look away from his face

we drove around for hours and listened to music and every time we did it got later and later and he stopped caring about when he had to go home even though he used to say he didnt wanna stay out too late because his grandmother wouldnt like it even though he’s 20

i miss who he used to be and how much he loved me

he had the potential to do big things, and he fucked himself up

he fucked up really bad

he says people who have kids become famous all the time, but i dont believe that with him

ugh why do i still want to buy him gifts though

i want to get him a dad robe and dad slippers

he’s gonna be an awful father but at least he’ll look cool

i’ll wait until his birthday and see how i feel before dropping $30 on a guy who doesn’t love me anymore but says he cares about me and bullshit

he said no matter what there will always be a place in his heart for me

i can’t tell whether or not hes lying

he cried

he doesn’t feel things and he’s only cried two other times in the past i dont even know 8 or 10 years

i wonder if he’ll feel bad when he sees that i gave him baby socks

he said he feels awful for hurting me

he owes me $200

if he ever actually lands a job maybe he’ll pay me back

maybe i should buy him a box of condoms for christmas instead

i wish he felt anything at all

#blabber #sad boi hours #long post too

[jess-oh]

Reflection

hey journal,

i have a lot on my mind and my heart and i think i need to pray about it but i also think im too afraid to give it up to God bc I know in my heart what I need to do and I don’t want to face the truth. I would much rather block out the sound with things of the world and drown my sorrows away.

But yesterday, not last night, but the night prior, I had a dream where I apologized to James in person and we had a heartfelt conversation. And while we didnt make up, it felt like the beginning of forgiveness. I assumed he would just brush it off and say, “oh. thanks but it’s fine,” or something along the lines of that but he didnt. he confessed that he was really hurt by the mean things that i had previously said to him and i repeatedly apologized and expressed my deep sorrow and regret towards him. and it felt really great. but in reality, i am so so so so so scared. not even scared. i am absolutely terrified to actually pick up the courage to do it. i thought i was hyping myself up to do it pretty well for this sunday but i just recently realized that sarah chong’s bday party is on saturday and i could easily just not go and use my ASO meeting as an excuse bc i feel like he would be there. and the thought of having to tell him on saturday left me petrified. i just. i cant. i cant. i cant i cant i cant. i am so afraid. and i know this is something that i need to do or else i will always be beating myself over it and wondering what wouldve happened if just said something and i know that i need to do it but God, I am so scared. God, please oh please provide me with the faith and strength to do so. To be real and genuine and communicate my deepest regret towards bc I really was such an awful person and i feel awful about it. But it’s something that I know I just need to do. I already told Judy to help keep me accountable and I think that she will but I just. Sigh. I am so worried and concerned and scared. I feel so scared. Scared that I’ll be judged? Brushed off? Laughed at? I honestly don’t know but I do know that I am scared.

The first couple weeks that I was here were pretty awkward and weird and I think bc I was still so afraid of how my life would be like here. I was afraid that Katie and Loren would just keep to themselves again and I would be lumped with Ryan. I was afraid that after everything that happened, things would just go back to the way they were before. And because of that, I felt really bitter for having returned at all and unintentionally took it out on my loved ones. I couldn’t have a good time with Andrew, David, or Sofia for my first few nights here, no matter how hard I tried. My heart just wasnt in it and I wasnt up for putting on a pretty face and acting like I’m my typical happy-go-lucky self when I’m not. I was just so bitter and tired and didn’t have the mental energy to do anything. On Sunday, people I thought were my somewhat friends would see me and not even say, “hi.” And thinking back on it, I’m wondering if they were waiting for me to make the first move before talking to me and think I’m the cool one in this situation? Regardless, I felt nervous and scared enough already as is and them just totally ignoring me just made me feel even worse. I don’t want to see those people again bc I know how scared and miserable I feel. But I also can’t just give up on them and Sa-Rang without trying first. A lot of good has come from that place for me and I really am beyond grateful. And I owe it to God, them, and myself to at least put in the effort to try and make things work before just giving up and moving away. I would feel too much like a coward then and I already spent so much of my life living in that kinda style. I don’t want to keep running away. I want to face things head on.

While I’ve been home, I’ve been forced to get up close and personal with all my past fears, worries, and insecurities. There are good things about being home but there are also bad parts too and yes, I have been reminded of those bad parts during my stay. But that’s not a bad thing. It’s just an opportunity for me to face those parts head on and finally confront, overcome, and grow from them. I won’t let them drag me down but I will acknowledge that they were a part of who I was and still am. And I am growing but how will anyone ever know that if I’m always too afraid to show that side of myself? I just need to be bold and do it! Just do it Jessica! Just do it!

Yesterday, I had a really good conversation with both my sister and Katie during different times of the day. My sister in the morning and Katie at night. I shared my dream with my sister and my fears and she told me that I should just tell me bc if he doesnt take it well then thats on him. But if I never say anything, I’ll spend my life beating myself up over it, wondering what would have happened if I did. And she was right. And I know that this is just something that I have to do. 

This is just a quick sidenote before I get back into and talk about my conversation last night with Katie but, I just spent some time with Loren and Ryan ordering pizzas for dinner and it really helped me to calm down just to talk and be with them and I’m feeling a lot better and more at peace now. I’m really grateful for them. A couple days ago, I realized that we all treat Ryan pretty poorly and he always gets the short end of the stick and I felt pretty bad. And I know that I’ve been pretty desperate to win Katie’s affection bc I really look up to her. She’s usually calm, mature, super talented artistically, has a good sense of style, and overall seems like an older version of me. Maybe not in a year but in the future and I’ve always looked up to her. And I think bc she doesnt always get along with Ryan, I didn’t want to either and followed suit. But no one has really given him the time of day recently and it’s just been constant teasing from one to the next and I felt pretty bad so last night when we all went out to Huntington Beach, I didn’t want to care about what Loren and Katie thought or saw. I was going to make an effort with Ryan. And we all ended up getting along really well and I think that’s been one of the most memorable nights of the trip. And when I later confessed these feelings to Katie during our talk(wow transition!), she was really touched at how much I cared for him and how sweet my heart was. I shared about how miserable I felt in high school and my feelings of needing to escape and how being back at home has made me confront those fears head on and she shared about her experience and her relationship with her parents and how she felt that there was a condition to her parent’s love. Like unless she acted better than Ryan, they wouldnt love her just as they dont love him and she was so afraid of that. And I was crying but not in a bad way. More like the waterworks just naturally flowed out of my eyes but it felt really good to finally share how I’ve felt for so long. About my admiration and fears and worries and concerns and just being able to get them out in the open and for her to be so willing to listen and understand meant so much to me. I definitely want to take a picture of them both and write them both heartfelt letters before they leave back home. One for their mom too! I didn’t think I would get along with her so well on this trip but bc we’re both so blunt and upfront about everything, we actually get along super well! 

I’ve been feeling pretty sick the past few days so that’s sucked but even though the beginning of this trip was a little bit rocky with constant teasing, I’m really glad that we’re able to have these heart to heart moments with each other. Even earlier, when I just played a few card games with Ryan or when I sided with him and called Katie and uncultured swine, it felt so great! He was so shocked and proud of me and we high fived at dinner and it was amazing! And I really am so glad for this opportunity. For them to be here and for us to spend some quality time with them. I am so gracious and joyous. Thank you so much for this time together God. Thank you.

Amen.

#reflection