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#I HAVE A FEAR OF MAKING BAD ENDINGS
hella1975 · 6 months
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hiiii haha. hello. exceptionally awkward introduction bc idrk how to start something like this so let's just jump right in. im taking a break from this account for a bit. i know i said i wanted taob out before halloween and currently im fine sticking with that deadline, but if i decide i need longer away then i will take longer away. every time ive reassured people that id never abandon a fic and updates will always come eventually i never once considered that my writing and ability to feel safe and comfortable on this site would be actively taken from me, so im not even going to apologise. i dont want this either and more importantly i dont fucking deserve it. i dont know what it is in the past year, if ive hit a certain amount of followers or 'popularity' that's made it so the natural ratio of positive to negative interactions must in turn go up, but there's been a serious uptick in weird asks for me. the annoying part is that a very small amount of them are actually objectively mean and hateful, the rest are just weird and invasive from people who seemingly dont realise that's what they're being. ive reached a point where i dont care if the intentions are good. it's not my job as a 20 year old tumblr user of all things to defend the morality of someone who couldnt even bother to come off anon. unfortunately, after blocking only one or two anons, the weird asks have decreased substantially, which says all you need to know about the fascinating and exhilarating lives led by these people, but ive also gone on to turn anon asks off entirely. this is something i actively fought against doing and had to be pushed into by my mutuals (who have been the coolest people on planet earth during this entire thing). turning off anon was a big deal to me even if it sounds silly. i felt betrayed and like id been backed into a corner because it was so vehmently something i DIDNT WANT that to feel like i had to do it anyway for my own mental health??? that sucks. so even though ive 'fixed' the problem, im still kind of reeling and uncomfortable every time i come on tumblr. i hope it's just something i need time to ease because i'll truly be devastated if this becomes 'ruined' for me. tumblr exists as the only place in the world where i am honestly every facet of myself without shame or hesitation; losing that would be insanely harmful to me. and to the people who cant appeal to the actual human behind the post, let me put that in words you can understand: we wouldn't get any more writing 😦😦😦 riots and fires and sirens, i know. so yeah. to anyone who has sent me an anon ask and you're now wondering if you were part of the problem, im firmly of the belief that you'll know if you are. when i say 'weird asks' i dont mean 'you sent me a para about your personal life just to vent or ask for advice' or 'you sent me a really deep emotional compliment about the impact me and/or my writing has had on you' - i love asks like that, so much that i put off taking a break and turning off anon solely for the joy they bring me. im sorry that it might feel like you're being punished too bc of the actions of what in reality is a HANDFUL of weird people, but this is what i feel like i have to do to feel safe and not go insane every time i log in. love you guys, hopefully ill see you soon x
#seriously another shout out to my mutuals#id particularly like to say thank you to boom who's always right there for me no matter what's happening or how insane im being#and also everyone in our little discord that wound up having to make a whole new channel for venting#bc i was there so often like 'today's weird ask isssss.... telling me about my cupsize!! rip them to shreds!!!'#hannah and theo especially being there and pushing me to finally turn off anon. war is truly over#and of course rori bc the shamelessness u show when hating on my anon asks has been genuinely really cathartic#sometimes u really do just need a rottweiler mutual to tell random people online to kill themselves 😭#okay weird oscar acceptance speechcore gratitude over. i do just rlly love my mutuals#like i went three years not telling anyone about the worse side of internet popularity for fear of looking spoiled and ungrateful#so for the first time to open up about it and be met with outrage on my behalf and people saying in fact it's MORE fucked up#than i initially realised bc ive grown desensitised to it is. yeah cathartic i guess#they are singlehandedly reassuring me of the good this cursed app still holds#so everyone thank them and send them flowers NOW#okay im done i think. see you guys soon. i truly do want to come back asap bc like i said i NEVER EVEN WANTED TO FUCKING LEAVE#SOME ASSHOLES JUST HAD TO PUT GRENADES ON WHAT I ASSUMED WERE VERY UNIVERSAL AND OBVIOUS BOUNDARIES#if you're reading this like 'ohhh fuck i defo sent something invasive lately. i thought it was a joke/we were friends'#then 1) we arent friends if you're on anon. it immediately creates a power imbalance where you know me and any necessary context#but i have no idea who you are or how much you know about me. that's already a fucked dynamic#and 2) I HOPE YOU FEEL BAD. LIKE GENUINELY I HOPE YOU FEEL AWFUL AND HAVE A GOOD LONG LOOK AT YOURSELF#okay i think that's all. ta-ra lads??? how tf do u end something like this#ive queued this to reblog a couple more times throughout the day
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noctvrnal9999 · 2 months
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Thinking about how Cazador's content in the game got reduced to almost zero when he was supposed to be semi-major villain in Upper City so all we got left with is "this guy is Astarion's abuser" and while that is correct, that's also not the full intended picture and the only glimpse we have left into what Cazador is outside the "abuser" mold is extremely unlikely scene where you open his coffin without Astarion.
I mourn that cut content.
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ganondoodle · 6 months
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anyway, im done talking about totk for now bc i dont want to keep thinking about this stupid game, it just gets worse the more you know
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forestofsprites · 4 months
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in such a kiss everyone on the lips and cradle them gently sort of a mood
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aevios · 1 year
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Sometimes I just want to like pick up another queer person up and look them in the eyes and gently shake them like listen... listen... How much your identity or labels does or doesnt piss other people off has almost no bearing on or correlation to how valid or good or real it is. None. Yes even if the other people being pissed off are other queer people. Okay. There will unfortunately be people who think your identity is cringey or too complicated or "giving queer people a bad name" or "made up" or bad literally no matter what u do as a queer person. It does not matter. They do not matter. Your identity just kind of Is. It is whatever it is. You are what you are and the labels and communities that resonate with you are the labels and communities that resonate with you and theyre probably gonna continue to do that and be that regardless of if people are shit to you and try to convince you otherwise. And the sooner you realize that and start doing your thing and being you On Purpose the sooner you will feel more confident and secure and whole in your identity. I'm not saying it doesn't hurt or that you cant feel hurt or scared. Those feelings are real and I'm very sorry that you are feeling them. But you need to believe me when I tell you that someone else getting angry with how you identify does not make your identity bad or not real. Otherwise literally none of us would exist or be valid because allocishet society gets angry abt us existing all the damn time. You're good. You're fine. Defining yourself outside of normative boundaries and pissing other people off with our "weird" identities is a time honored queer tradition. Don't deny what your heart is telling you that you are and on the basis of someone else's judgment.
#Op#Like I just... Idk.#I see so many questioning folks asking like 'is it okay if I identify this way'#'is this a thing people can be?'#'is it ok if this is what I am or am I a bad evil faker / fetishizer / queerphobe / making things up that aren't real'#Like honey you're already what you are. If you are this thing then congrats that thing exists.#If this is what genuinely feels right to u or like it describes your identity best then like...#Who the fuck am I or anyone else to say otherwise#Like maybe there's labels ur not aware of that could fit better we could point you to in some cases#But in the end the decision is yours and a complicated or contradictory identity isn't like a bad thing at all#Please do not ask me for permission to be what you already are#If you're shaking in fear trying to figure out who you are and think maybe you know what it is but you're not sure if you're 'allowed'#God like know that so many of us have felt that and like you're fine and like... Fuck 'allowed'#Like no one 'allows' you to be who you are. No one should have the authority to deny or allo you that. You just are.#There's shit to navigate about like if / how u wanna tell people or express who you are#But you are what you are and that's all you and fuck the idea that u need someones permission or approval on that#Queerness is an art of self definition#Of learning how to decide for yourself what you are#Learning how to listen to your own internal sense of self even if others are telling you otherwise#Don't wait for others permission#But if you need it-you've got mine
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honeybeejohn · 2 months
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personally i believe a theme of S3 is going to be about absolutely schooling aziraphale.
i love that angel sm but as much as crowley has his things to learn he knows what’s Up, literally. aziraphale will be schooled every episode and it will hurt him (and us) but he will grow and there will inevitably have an ending where both of them were just enough right about things to come together and make Things right
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carnivalcarrion · 6 months
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phone calls my detested
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designernishiki · 7 months
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just a thought but like. if akiyama, who’s established as being a bizarrely talented investigator in y5, suspected kiryu’s death to have been faked (or at least “fishy” in his own words) basically on the fucking Spot, i feel like it just makes sense that majima would’ve been just as quick, if not quicker to see where shit wasn’t adding up and become skeptical that the whole thing was a coverup. reason being, in y5 he put shit together and figured out the grand scheme going on so damn early most people didn’t even suspect yet that there was any scheme going on. he then faked his own death well enough to get it in the papers and had masterminded himself all the way to the final boss (with some help of course) before things backfired on him. so he’s got some crazy good skills when it comes to reading people, figuring out their intentions, putting puzzle pieces together, etc– way better than he wants people knowing, generally– and he knows the hallmark signs of a faked death because he’s literally done it before. all that on top of knowing kiryu like the back of his hand and knowing damn well how hard this man is to kill, and how prone to running away from shit for the sake of the safety of people he cares about (for better or for worse) he is. he could absolutely put together that, if given the opportunity by some faction or powerful individual, kiryu would sacrifice his identity and status as a legit living person for the assured safety of others, or for yakuza tensions to diminish, or maybe even as an act of self-flagellation.
tldr: I think the reasons majima didn’t go rogue/apeshit after kiryu’s alleged death are that A) for once he has saejima around to reign him in and make it feel less like Everything has been lost, B) I think he’s legitimately known pretty much all along that kiryu didn’t die that day; nor would he believe it unless he saw it with his own eye.
#however. I also think it would clash with his tendency to be way more cynical and nihilistic than his persona makes him seem#like I do think he’d be pretty fucking sure in his gut And with his logic that kiryu wasn’t dead#but there’d be a pesky depressive part of him that’d scold him for being too idealistic or hopeful in a world that’s so fond of#torturing him. he doesn’t think himself Lucky to say the least. but if he held out hope for saejima while he was on death row for literally#years and saejima did make it back to him in one piece eventually– he’d have some ammo to reason with himself if that makes sense#that + I feel like saejima upon hearing him spiral into supposedly ‘realistic’ nihilism would Strongly reassure him#via reminding him that HE made it back to majima in the end. and that saejima himself knows from experience what a faked death feels like#and how holding onto hope Can in fact be fruitful in the end. overall a bad time for majima after kiryu’s fake death obviously but#he’d be surprisingly stable with all that going for him. makes me think he and saejima would really be the ones keeping daigo from falling#apart. considering he doesn’t have basis for the kind of hope they’re capable of having. almost everyone important to daigo dies eventually#his dad. mine right in front of him. now kiryu. boy must have abandonment issues off the damn charts.#I also like to think he hung around shinada a bit after that incident to just have Something good and pure in his life occasionally. but#he’d be cautious and occasional about it out of fear that he’d ruin shinada’s life or cause him trouble#anyway. many thoughts about all this. they didn’t dive nearly enough into the old guard characters’ reactions to kiryu’s ‘death’ so. yeah#rambling#y6#majima#kazumaji
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Oh god not clowns please. Please please please I cannot handle clowns why does he have to be a recurring character this is the bad place
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hissterical-nyaan · 5 months
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briarhips · 4 months
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I feel like I have a noose around my neck at all times no exaggeration. It’s naive of me to wonder why everyone assumes I’m older than I am when I’m so continuously stressed. It’s literally too late for me
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namelessrammgirl · 4 months
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#screaming a few things into the void before going to bed#i'm fine. had to drive to work today so I avoided the road where I had the accident yesterday but i'm still shaky#everything makes me brake immediately from fear so... i have a feeling it'll take me some time to fully recover#still have no news about the car#and new job is destroying me. i love it but they decided to put me to help on a project that has some massive problems#so everyone is trying to solve the problems while teaching me stuff and they end up both not following the project and not teaching me#which makes me so frustrated#because I want to help and WORK not only wait for them to fucking end calls to be able to teach me my job godfndammit#and it doesn't help that my daily commute is absolutely tiring (1 hour and 20 minutes total) and even made me have an accident#I want to work from home so bad but as I'm still working I fucking can't yet and FRANKLY#one of the many reasons why I changed jobs is because of the remote work#and I'm not doing it. so you now#I'm fucking grateful I picked up my guitar again 4 months ago because oh my god she's one of the very few things that make me happy lately#the steam I get to release!!! the way I get to love Rammstein even more with each song I learn!!!#speaking of everytime I think I can't love them enough I fucking do you guys#it's not even a matter of blorbos of whatever that's just the cherry on top#by learning their songs I feel so close to them even more than before#and I put them loud while going and coming back from work and I just feel so blessed#trying to sing like Till even if I absolutely can't#and then I come home and try to understand how Paul and Richard play a particular song#or when I find myself doing air drums on the steering wheel#and even in the darkest days I know they're here with me and yeah. am i romantic enough?#only 242 days to go to Campovolo. time is moving slow but it's moving.#i'm so blessed. finding them again and finding this small place here where to share my love for them#so maybe when I do ask myself if this is really worth it the answer could be yes#if I manage to keep in mind how my life changed in these last four months#the only thing I'm really sad about is the RZK signature#I was seriously considering to buy it like really searching on thomann how to buy it in installments and so on#looks like I've a car to buy so... until next time my dream guitar </3#personal stupid stuff
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i am slowly being injured by the act of emailing my professor like i am in minecraft being poisoned. just going ough ough ough ough u know
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dykesynthezoid · 4 months
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The seasonal depression + major life stress to agoraphobia relapse pipeline is kicking my ass
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genesisapocryphon · 6 months
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i think about this picture a LOT
EDIT: WARNING I JUST INFODUMP IN THE TAGS IM SORRY ???
#when i used to work at burgerking the parking lot literally looked like that and it would be dark and I NEVER STOPPED THINKING ABOUT THIS#the two weeks i worked at burgerking is hwen i made like. my weird au related to genesis apocryphon#duudeeee#when i first found out about it i lost my mind because i came up with my whole concept of be.ginner bible tapes traumatizing someone to a#point where they have a horrible fear of angels and gab. is like Hm... this is gonna be Really Funny and teaches some 20 year old about the#universe#but ends up being a good thing ? ?#< i havent gotten far to the au i still am processing how they would interact with eachother upon first meeting#i have to say my absolute favorite scene in man.dela is gab and dave like ? ??!!?!? I SAW IT LIVE LIKE WHEN IT WAS PREMERING AND I LOVEEE#VOL 4 ITS SOO GOOOD#i never really talk about this anymore but for a bit of last year i hardcore kinned si/x and like oh my god#dadtruder being CANON made me so happy because i was fighting for my LIFE to other mand/ela fans i know and NONE OF THEM AGREED WITH ME#i rewatched vo/l 4 with like 5 different people the day it came out i am not kidding#my initial getting into the series was really strange#it all started by seeing someone in an avatar of him in vr chat ?? but like a long time before that i saw someone who did this AMAZING#FANART OF HIM and when i staw it i just Stared at it for an Hour.#but there was someone in a del/taru/ne world on v/rchat and i just stared with autistic eyes i wanted to ask for the avi so bad but i was#way to anxious BC IT WAS LIKE. REALLY TALL. OKAY.#i used to run around in a backroo/ms world as si/x and gab it was truly a time#whenever soemone makes a toonie avi in vrchat its OVER I HAVE THE NAME ON THERE im so proud#im so sad i couldnt get it on discord it puts me in anguish when i think about it#but YEA i have been typing for like idk how long and im so sorry for the tag spam if you read through this i hope you have a wonderful day#or night ^ u ^ !!
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non-un-topo · 1 year
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Spending hours trying to figure out why I feel so irritable and sensitive today and I’m only realizing now it might have something to do w being invited to a birthday party full of an entire family I’ve never met and like seven very small children and the person inviting me assuming I would love that. I want to support her bc I like her and she’s family now, but I cannot---I will not---go to another family event and be pushed into the kitchen doing dishes with the women or cooing over someone’s baby who just stares at me and whines when I try to mask and say hello.
#my period ended so it ain't that.#maybe i'm a horrible person. i just want to be left alone for seven solid days. and i certainly do not want to be forced-#-to interact with children. they scare me. real bad.#maybe this also has something to do with my readings for this week and the fact that we're going to be discussing 'womanhood'.#like the subject is 'what IS a woman to you?' and i am not really looking forward to listening to 15 cis girls tell me-#-how awful it is and how much pain they themselves endured while entirely not acknowledging the existence of trans women#or gnc women.#why am i so irritable jfc.#every time i talk like this to my partner they give me that look lol. the look that's like 'uh huh. i know a trans person when i see one.'#and i'm like shhhhhhh. no. don't say that. shhhh. i don't want to be. i hate myself okay and my family scared me out of it.#wish i could fucking shapeshift. wish i was just fucking born with a dick and a flat chest. actually i wish i was two people.#so i could decide from day-to-day and not have to worry about irreversible changes.#how much of my alleged transness is just internalized misogyny? <- this is a question i ask very very quietly to myself#because i think it's what my mother thinks. and most of the world.#how do i learn to be comfortable AS a masculine woman? i have no one to look up to who can teach me or show me it's okay.#i have transmasc friends who are elated to go on T. i'm scared that they will make me want to do it again. why tf am i scared of that...#irreversible changes. society. literally everything. fucking hell............#no one talks about this particular experience of gender. no one talks about the in-between and the immense fear. at least no one to me.#why am i even taking gender studies in university if every class is full of cis women who don't even know the terminology of transness#or of gender-expansiveness...#i think i've become a very sour person in the last few years.#need to vent through writing or something. like through fanfiction.
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