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#I DONT KNOW HOW I LOST TRACK OF TIME I TOLD MYSELF ID EAT AT 11:30 AND THEN I LOOK DOWN
toonfinch · 20 days
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this is all i will be saying about the matter because this is stupid as fuck. its a bit long but its mostly for me, not for others to read. but feel free to.
i deleted my post on r/badroommates because i got sick of arguing with idiots online and havent responded to anything because reddit temp banned me for calling myself slurs im allowed to say lmao. im gay and trans. this will go on reddit when i am unbanned. for now it stays here.
i am paying rent, i owe my roommate, u/azzyisjazzy zero dollars. he did cover two months for me because i lost my job and struggled to find a new one, then when i did it lasted like a month because the temp agency ran out of work for me to do. he knows this btw hes just a liar. he heard the phone call because it was on speaker. but i paid him back completely and have paid our most recent bills with zero issue. i am literally at work while writing this. i am on track to make rent just fine. when i said i have $10 its because i had to buy warm weather clothes because i have none. its been hot.
the way he describes my suicidal ideation is making everyone think i do this repeatedly, i did it once. on my tumblr blog, i was not thinking about how it may hurt people, when azzyisjazzy and his friend, u/dizzy_elk_6491 and my friend all had a conversation about it, nobody acted concerned, azzyisjazzy only told me that if i were to actually hurt myself and he never reported it he may lose his job. he was never concerned about me lol. either way, i realized that watching people be suicidal is stressful and i also didnt want to be forcibly hospitalized so i nuked my blog so i can vent safely. i am not suicidal at all and havent been for a while, by the way. interestingly, current roommates friend dizzy_elk_6491 has threatened suicide when things didnt go his way before. he threatened suicide when my friend wanted to break up with him. later my friend found out that dizzy_elk_6491 had been lying about his boundaries in order to keep my friend in a relationship. he did not ignore boundaries whatsoever, there were none said. also, they were literally stupid teenagers.
azzyisjazzy was cool with sharing groceries until suddenly he wasnt, i did not have enough money at the time to also buy the same amount of things he was. we literally went shopping together several times and he told me to pick things out so obviously i thought it was fine? he just sucks at telling people when hes bothered. if he didnt suddenly lock the fridge just as i got a decent job (i was saving up money to pay him back for everything, i still could not afford a substantial amount of groceries) then id have replaced everything i ate. which was like....eggs and milk and coffee. i was mostly eating my own food lol. he ruined all the food i had in the fridge at the time which probably comes out to the amount i owe him for what i ate so ill call that fair.
i do not have bipolar disorder, i do not know where anyone involved got this information. i was on lithium, but it made me worse. gave me worse anxiety and made my eyeballs twitch. not exactly a medication that works. i tried several medications that did not work. i was also accused several times by past roommate, u/finchsexroomate and their friends that i have borderline personality disorder. i thought i might but several doctors told me otherwise. so far the only mental issues im pretty sure i have is major depressive disorder, autism, anxiety, and ocd.
intensive outpatient therapy also did not work, i was having panic attacks every morning because it was not the type of therapy i require.
currently working on getting insurance so i can get trazodone, which works. because i am diagnosed for major depressive disorder. the doctors asked me the pointed questions clearly about bipolar disorder but i dont have manic and depressive episodes. on the other hand, azzyisjazzy has said he is manic. maybe he meant it in a quirky way, but whatever.
i...didnt get mad at azzyisjazzy and his friends for not learning sign language? i dont know asl. i brought it up once or twice as a "wouldnt it be cool if we all learned together" situation, because im deaf and my hearing gets worse monthly. the only sign i was aware anyone knew was when azzyisjazzy and dizzy_elk_6491 said something that contained the words "eat orange" at each other over and over. that doesnt exactly indicate to me they are at a conversational level. either way, i was not "expecting them to communicate in a language i do not speak" lol.
i never threatened a damn thing about the dog. i said she was stressing me out so bad she was triggering my ocd. ocd can cause intrusive violent thoughts. they are not desires, they are based on things you DONT want to do. they are INTRUSIVE. i felt unsafe because the thoughts were so distressing and i could not banish them from my brain. the fact that azzyisjazzy is graduating from nursing school and doesnt understand this is concerning. i thought i biked over a snake this morning and started crying before i saw it move. i threw it in someones yard so it wouldnt get run over. i don't even like hurting bugs. i got mad at azzyisjazzy for making jokes about killing crickets in the house. maybe i am sensitive, sure, judge me how you please. but that doesnt exactly indicate an animal abuser does it?
also, me being a furry and objectumsexual (attraction to objects) has literally nothing to do with anything. its funny, because my azzyisjazzy has told me he pretends to be a dog during sex multiple times. also, he is a furry. or at least was. his fursona is/was a deer. not judging, obviously, its just hypocritical. is it weird? YES. is it harmful? NO. on top of this, azzyisjazzy had me walk the dog a few times after i had said those things. clearly he was not very concerned then. im sure he knows better and is just making shit up to hurt me.
now i don't remember much about my previous living situation with finchsexroomate because i was traumatized and the order of events and details are all mixed up and blurry. i moved in because i was in a motel with my drunk father and (thankfully normal) brother for two years. i was being paid to take care of them, but i wasnt equipped to do so because of my mental health issues. that were being exacerbated by finchsexroomate's reactions to my tone of voice...or something? they would react in ways that freaked me out like getting an attitude or yelling at me. i didnt react well to this which was entirely my fault, causing arguments. this happened a lot. idk why its so hard for anyone involved to understand that we simply did not mesh well together. azzyisjazzy and finchsexroomate have very similar communication styles, or lackthereof. it makes sense why i dont get along with both of them. they suck at communicating boundaries.
it took finchsexroomate months to tell me my tone of voice was upsetting them. they also think i was frequently stewing in anger next to them to hurt them when maybe i was a little annoyed at something and not putting in a ton of effort to look cheery while like...watching tv. or something. every time there was an incident like this, me moving elsewhere was brought up. i was living in a motel for two years before this. you have to be literally stupid to think its easy to find anywhere to live in this economy. obviously did not react well to this and yes it triggered suicidal episodes. but im not unstable if my housing and food and such else is taken care of. now that i have a stable job and can afford everything i need i am perfectly fine. just a bit stressed.
for some reason finchsexroomate thinks i was in love with them and trying to drive a wedge between them and their husband? lol? i said their husband was hot like twice. hes a hairy bear? come on now. theyre just being freaks because im polyamorous. if i had a crush on either of them theyd know, because that is something i hate keeping inside even if i know telling someone will go nowhere.
our living together ended when one night we were watching tv and somehow the topic of my date the next day came up, and finchsexroomate reminded me that our other roommates who would normally take over care when i am gone would also be leaving, so i didnt want to leave them in the house alone or worry about what time i had to be home since i would not be the one driving. i announced id reschedule my date and this upset finchsexroomate so bad that they started yelling at me. i only remember the part where they started yelling fuck you over and over again after i was like dude. its like fucking midnight. we can deal with this tomorrow. their reaction freaked me the fuck out and i did what everyones demonizing me for.....taking the torch we smoked dabs with and brushing it on my wrist for less than half a second, turning it off, and putting it on the table. and then sitting there. finchsexroomate was more at risk of burning the house down than me because i saw them drop the torch while it was still spewing flames twice, and they told me it happened once while i was not there. lol. was my reaction smart? no. did i "try to burn the house down with people inside"? no.
last thing about them, after they kicked me out and gave me zero chance to grab any of my belongings forcing me to pay an exorbitant amount of money for shipping that i could not afford, i said fuck it. they dont deserve my money after all of this. its not like i could just fucking drop almost $800 on it. later when the hurt started to go away i decided id put aside money and then give it all back when ive collected enough, but um. not doing that now lmao.
between then and now i was living with people my dad knew. one of them regularly assumed everything in the house was my fault such as leaving hard water spots on dishes and several times the freezer door was left open (not by me) so he tried attacking me about it and had to be held back by two people. this happened twice. i was also threatened by one of the residents because he was abusive to his girlfriend and i almost pepper sprayed him about it. it got to the point where i had to get a motel room a second time to avoid being hurt. and of course after this is when azzyisjazzy and i started talking.
anyway back to the present. azzyisjazzy thinks i was...listening to him and his bf my first night here just bc i was quiet? i thought they knew i was here lol. i literally cannot eavesdrop. i can hear loud talking and music and dog barking and dog nails on hardwood in my room. sometimes i can hear noises but that doesnt mean i understand what the noises are. at this point im convinced everyone thinks im faking my deafness. do i need to show everyone how scarred my ear drum is? that also has a hole in it?
and i guess this all got worse because i chose to stop being very close friends with all of azzyisjazzys friends. they were a lot of energy. i avoided them a lot because my idea of a good time is being quiet and doing a task together or watching tv or going to the park to look at critters and plants or something. i still tried, i was an audience to their musicals in the kitchen. and hung out when i was able to handle their energy, which was rare. azzyisjazzy thinks i was avoiding his show because i hated him when in reality i was busy with things i felt were more important such as my friend's mental health. azzyisjazzy even told me it was fine and that he understood. i also felt that none of them liked me very much anyway, so i just kind of stopped trying. i know one of them hated me because i got mad at him for making kill all furries jokes in the discord server we were in, and several times after that he would criticize my friends and i for stupid bullshit like putting in the announcements channel to not put chunks of food in the sink that does not have a garbage disposal in it.
the reason there are horses all over my walls is because azzyisjazzy heard gunshots and we were discussing whether or not we should call the cops in the discord server. my friend and i said no because theres no way to prove which direction it came from so on top of the cops not being able to do anything, we have black neighbors that might be questioned. furry hater guy said what does their race have to do with this and i dont remember what i said after it but he sent a horse emoji which is a reference to the meme of a horse standing at the sea with the caption "MAN" and i felt it inappropriate so i muted him for 10 minutes.
so the time my friend told someone to kill themselves? he had almost gotten hit by a car, and said "kill yourself for real" about the driver. furry hater guy got mad at this and said no suicide jokes. i misinterpreted it as another baseless criticism and told him to shut up. i was wrong for this and apologized, and later decided to just leave the server because i wasnt having fun in it anyway.
idk where to place these things in this giant block of text so theyre going at the end my friend and i used the dining room table to do crafts which is why azzyisjazzy bike locked the chairs. okay...ill just get my own i guess? he has threatened to put cameras up in the house which i am fairly certain is illegal because i do not consent and it would violate a reasonable expectation of privacy in the state of Missouri. also azzyisjazzy and i both agreed that nudity is not an issue, and when i am alone in the house sometimes i dont have a shirt on. i am a trans man, i have tits. that's inappropriate and once again im fairly certain that is illegal. missouri is a one party consent state so the only circumstance where recording me would be okay is if one of whoever is in the video or audio consents, such as if azzyisjazzy and i had a conversation. he could be the one to consent. but he doesn't say use his big boy words at me anymore so that wont happen. weve said a total of maybe 5 words to each other in the last month. i text him sometimes and he pretends not to see it but i know he does because he thinks me telling him his post got removed was bragging that i reported it. maybe my friends did? i dont control them. lmao.
hes also told my friends that me simply living here is an "escalation" and that if i continue to live here "things will get worse for me" those are threats. genuinely convinced that he knows a lot of what he is saying is made the fuck up or stretched truths just so "things will get worse"
btw, im not the one abusing the dog. she gets one walk a day and is barely played with because of how much azzyisjazzy works. all she does is sleep all day and bark out the window and piss on the couch and the floor and chew up shit azzyisjazzy leaves around the house, like a plastic tape dispenser. those plastic shards might be inside her stomach, by the way. that can and has killed dogs. many times.
i dont know what else to say. this is getting way too long. i certainly feel better after writing it though.
i may or may not respond to comments. i dont really feel like proving myself to a bunch of redditors, but considering these lies might follow me around for a while especially because finchsexroomate posted my FACE????? glad i look extremely different now (thanks hrt) and was wearing a mask lol. what sort of fucking insane behavior. i kind of wanted to post webcomics online, so i felt it necessary to do a bit of damage control. of course, all sides to this is mostly he said she said, so this only helps so much. but i said my truth, and ill stand by it. omission of details is because i forgot. this has been all over the last two years. my memory is shot because i got covid the first time i was in the motel and the repeated trauma hasnt helped. if someone brings up a good point i will respond to it.
anyway. ill move out when im able to. get the fuck over it.
good fucking lord.
im going to go do literally anything else more productive than this. get a new hobby. make a fursona and maybe youll feel better. fucking weirdos
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tenshindon · 3 years
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i forgot to fucking eat this morning
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planetdemon · 3 years
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I just wanted to be a swan
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pairing: bang chan x reader
genre: angst, fluff, but mostly angst
warnings: low self-esteem, body hate/dislike, eating disorders, swearing, food, insecurities, arguing DONT READ IF YOU DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH IT!
wc: 2.003
note: so this scenario has been going through my head for quite a while now, and I tried writing it by myself lol. Hope it's good ;) I've also sent a request to @channienet about the same topic, so make sure to check her interpretation out as well! enjoy!
summary: Due to Chan's heavy working schedule, spending time alone was a thing you couldn't quite befriend with, especially after you've noticed some changes you have gone through. There is a to change it, but it isn't quite... let's say healthy. How will Chan react, after he finds out? Will he even care? (dude I'm shit at writing summary lol)
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Taking a bath was normally something that should be considered relaxing or calming. You've always enjoyed letting the hot water surround your body whilst taking all the dirt and negativity off that you have collected during stressful days at work.
But lately, taking a bath wasn't as enjoyable anymore as it once was. Chris has been working a lot lately, due to the kingdom stage and their nearing comeback. He has been spending more and more time at the company, working on producing new tracks for him and the kids, often staying at the dorms because they were closer to the studio than the apartment you shared. So you were left alone, by yourself.
Even though you wished he would be by your side while you were falling asleep, you couldn't be mad at him. You knew what his work meant to that boy and you would never tell him to stop doing what he loves just so you could spend some time together.
But being alone also meant that you had to kill the boredom somehow and, thanks to Felix's Brownie and Cookie recipes, you had the perfect thing to do in the meantime. Baking and eating delicious desserts.
You were just stepping out of the bathtub, grabbing the towel you had prepared, and drying yourself with it. Once your body was half-dried, you turned around to hang the towel back at the hanger, so it could dry properly.
And at that moment, you knew, you've fucked up. You couldn't avoid looking at your wet, naked body in the hot, steamy mirror near the hangers.
You always hated looking at it, but thanks to the sweets you had been eating lately, looking at yourself only made you feel sicker than it ever did.
You couldn't tear your gaze off the excess of flesh around your tummy and thighs and the stretch marks, that decored your boobs only seemed to scream "Look at me!". You slowly turned around and saw the tiger stripes creeping up your bum and the undersides of your arms.
'Fucking disgusting', that little voice in your head sneered.
'How could I let this come this far?', you thought. At this point, you were somehow happy Chris wasn't here, knowing he would be disgusted with how you've changed.
You've always felt a bit insecure by his side, knowing you could catch up with neither his attractiveness nor his muscular godlike body. But seeing yourself like this destroyed every little self-esteem you had left in your cells.
-
It has been nearly two months since 'the incident' in the bathroom and you couldn't shake that feeling of disgusts off. Not even for one second.
You only wanted to try a one-week detox diet that was blowing up all over social media, hoping you could lose a little bit of weight, so you would be back to normal. But seeing the numbers on the scale dropping so unbelievably quickly only made you realize that you could look even better than you thought you could.
You kept on following the diet and restricting everything that wasn't included, not noticing that restricting also damaged your mind.
One time, Han and Felix asked you if you wanted to have lunch with them and the others, but fear crept up you back as soon as you thought about the food they would have ordered, knowing that you would only gain weight again if you didn't follow the rules.
So you stayed home, keeping yourself isolated from your friends and most importantly, Chan.
You were lying on my bed, scrolling through Tumblr when Chris' Caller ID showed up and your phone started to ring. You sighed lowly, not wanting to talk to him.
Over the past few months, you stopped showing up at the studio, being afraid the boys would notice the changes your body went through, thanks to the diet. You were happy about it, knowing that you were losing weight, but you haven't reached my goal. You were afraid, they would judge you the way you did when you looked at yourself.
"Chris?"
"y/n? Han just told me that you weren't coming over. Are you okay? Y-" Chris's muffled voice appeared and you felt instant regret deep in your guts, knowing how much fun you guys had when you spent time together back in the days.
"Yeah, I'm okay Channie, don't worry. I just feel a little sleepy. I'll come next time. Promise" You tried your best to sound optimistic or at least not too sad, hoping Chris would believe your lie. "Okay," he mumbled, "I love you, baby girl".
-
You knew you were in big troubled the second Chris opened the fridge, seeing no food in there.
He randomly decided to stay over the weekend, saying that he missed you. You weren't ready for this, knowing that you couldn't hide the signs of the 'passion' you had developed in time.
"Why is there no food?" You fumbled with the arms of Chris sweater you were wearing while looking at the ground. "I've forgotten to go grocery shopping" You answered.
"But there is nothing in there, y/n. Nothing" He walked over and took hold of your cold hands while looking you straight in the eyes.
"Why is there no food?" Chris asked again.
"I just told you I forgot to go grocery shopping, Chan. Relax" You snapped back, getting anxious about the fact that he could notice something.
You were nearing your goal, even though you knew that you could never be satisfied with how you looked. He couldn't just come over and ruin all the progress you've made after being not here for so long. He doesn't have the right to do this.
"Don't fuck around, y/n. You always have at least some butter in your house. Where is the butter? Where is Ramen? You must have some food here!"
Your body started to shake as you heard his voice rise, keeping your gaze low, not daring to look him in the eyes right now. He was right.
You always had something at home, so you could quickly cook something when you were hungry. But you didn't saw a point in keeping food at home if you wouldn't eat it anyway. It would just rot.
"Y/n look at me" he whispered, after realizing that you were trembling. Chris gently grabbed your chin to make you look up at him. You were expecting to see anger, but the only thing you saw in his brown orbs was sadness.
You started to tear up after you noticed it, knowing that he put one and one together. You missing out on lunch with the boys, you not showing up at the studio to bring him food and spend with him there, listening to his tracks, you not having any food at home. It was obvious, but you still hoped he wouldn't notice.
Chris slowly took you in his arms, noticing how your figure felt smaller and bonier than before. It made him sick, knowing what you did to yourself. 'Why would my girl do something like this?' he thought 'how could my little princess torture herself this much?' But he couldn't find a 'because'.
In his eyes, you were the best thing that happened to him. You were the prettiest girl on earth. Warm tears were running down his pale cheeks, dropping to the floor.
He couldn't stop blaming himself for what you did. Maybe if he would have been there, he could have stopped you. Maybe if-
"Channie?" You quietly asked, looking up at his tear-stained cheeks. "Channie why are you crying? We can go to the store and grab something if you want. You don't-"
"Why have you been doing this to yourself, y/n?"
"What do you mean?"
"Why haven't you been eating"
Well, shit.
"What are you talking about, Channie?"
"Don't fucking lie to me, it's too obvious for you to do so. Why haven't you been eating?"
"I... I, I'm pressured Chan" You answered, knowing that he wouldn't believe you if you would tell him otherwise. Telling him the truth was the only option at this point, even though you didn't want to.
"Pressured?"
"Yes"
"Princess, I don't understand what you mean by that"
You shook your head and let go of him, before walking over to the couch and sitting down with a low sigh. "Maybe you shouldn't understand," I said.
"Jesus, y/n" I heard him mutter under his breath. He walked over and sat on the floor, in front of you, looking at you with a scared expression.
"Please tell me what's in that pretty little head of yours. I can see that you have lost weight, but I don't understand why. I mean, you are the prettiest human I have ever seen in my whole life, why would you do something like that?"
"Why do you even care? It's not like you here anyway" you simply said, grabbing your phone, trying to ignore him.
After he noticed your intentions, he quickly took your phone out of your hands, placing it on the coffee table behind him.
"Hey! Give me my phone back, you dump a-"
"Fucking stop it, y/n. Stop ignoring me. I care for you because I love you! You are my everything and I know I haven't been home lately, but at least I tried making time for you and inviting you to the studio", he said, "but you never came! Don't act like it's only my fault we haven't seen each other."
You looked at him with wide eyes, shaking your head. He was right, it was also your fault. And you hated the fact that he was right. "I-"
"Please y/n, please stop turning away from me and closing up. I-I know it's not easy to open up, but I'm here for you. I'll always be."
"Well, I... I couldn't, no, I can't feel happy when I look like this, Channie. I mean, look at you, look at your perfect body and your perfect personality and your perfect everything! I don't fit in. I don't fit in, because I am the ugly duck surrounded by beautiful swans. I just... wanted to be a beautiful swan, Channie."
That's it. You've made it. You've told him what was going through your mind all the time.
He slowly pulled you off the couch, into his lap. He could feel your seat humps against his thighs, how bony and strong they were. Chris shook his head in disbelieve, another wave of sadness crushing over him.
"You are perfect, baby girl. You are perfect in every single way. You always were the most beautiful swan I have ever seen in my entire life. I love everything about you, y/n. I love how your thighs wiggle whenever you run towards me when we meet, I love how curves look in that dress I brought you a year ago, I love how your stretch marks are decorating your body like silverish paint. I don't want you to change for me, because you are perfect the way you are. Jesus, even Hyunjin said you are even prettier than himself, and that means a lot. Please don't hurt yourself like this, princess. You are destroying yourself"
He took hold of your hands and kissed your palm.
"I promise I'll stop working so much, so I can spend more time with my beautiful girlfriend, but please... stop hurting yourself" he whispered, searching for any signs of discomfort in your eyes. But you just set in his lap and listened to him.
"Hyunjin thinks I'm prettier than him?" you asked awkwardly.
Chris chuckled and nodded "Is this the only thing that got stuck in your pretty little head?" He asked.
You smiled a bit, leaning your forehead against his while closing your eyes. "I'll try to get better, Chris" you whispered.
It wouldn't be an easy journey going back to 'normal. Once the hole is there, digging is difficult. But it is possible, especially if someones helping you.
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alicedoessurveys · 5 years
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VERY long survey
Where have you lived throughout your life? 
Birmingham UK
Do you find your job rewarding? 
N/A
What kind of cake did you have for your last birthday? 
chocolate
To you, which is better: English muffins or bagels? 
I enjoy both, but bagels.
Do you paint your nails? 
yes. although they're not painted at the moment because ive been cleaning the house so much the past couple days and its stripped my varnish off
What’s the last website you signed up for? 
a dating thing
Do you check your email everyday? 
yes, I cant stand having the little red number above the mail app 
Have you created any pages on Facebook?
yes but I dont have them anymore
Is there a subject that you absolutely suck at? 
every subject, but especially maths and science 
What’s your favourite song by Dave Matthews Band? 
I dont know any 
Are there people you have absolutely nothing in common with, but still enjoy talking to? 
I dot particularly enjoy talking to anyone :’)
Have you ever wandered around drunk with your friend? 
yes, we wondered around through the middle of Birmingham at 4am 
Are you good at holding back your laughter if needed? 
haha nope
Have you ever been so unfortunate to suffer from a hangover?
yes
Have you ever had a panic attack? 
many, I had to drop out of college because of them 
Are you deathly allergic to anything? 
nope
Have you ever had a mouse in your house? 
nope
Do you know anyone who DOESN’T have an ex? 
myself 
Is anyone you know really religious? 
my family
Are your eyebrows naturally thick? 
yes
Has speaking in front of people ever made you sick? 
not physically sick, but definitely felt it. the worst experience Ive had with speaking was in college when I had to give a speech then teach a 10 minute class. my throat totally dried up and I literally couldnt speak. everyone just stared at me and I was trying so hard not to cry. longest 10 minutes of my life and as soon as it finished I legged it out the room and burst into tears. 
What was the last movie that made you teary-eyed? 
Mary Poppins Returns almost got me but the last film to actually make me cry was Coco. That shit had me SOBBING!
Have you had two friends that absolutely hated each other? 
yes 
Has a laptop ever burned your legs? 
not really, I put a cushion on my lap normally
Do you know anyone who has a scar through their eyebrow?
no
Who was the last person to flip you off? 
probably rhys, as a joke
Anyone’s birthday coming up soon? 
my dad turns 50 next week
Would you ever wear fake eyelashes? 
I have done a few times but they annoy me
Are you good at following directions? 
no no no I get confused very easily
Do you have someone that you can just act a fool with and not care? 
yes rhys 
From where you’re sitting, can you touch a wall? 
if I reach behind me 
When at a restaurant, do you put your napkin on your lap? 
occasionally, it depends where I am and what im eating 
Do you prefer electric or manual pencil sharpeners? 
manual 
Are your biceps at all noticeable? 
they used to be before they went into hiding under a layer of fat 
Have you ever seen a walrus? 
nope
When it comes to dropping food, do you believe in the 10 second rule? 
no, I believe in the ‘what food is it’ and ‘how dirty is the floor’ rules
If given the opportunity, would you ride on a camel? 
yes. I was supposed to have gone on a camel ride in Tunisia ages ago but I was ill so we didn't get to go 
Do you believe that cellphones actually do cause cancer?
they could be. the number of people getting cancer has gone up a lot since everyone has mobile phones 
When people you know cry, does it make you feel like crying too? 
depends who it is 
Do you tend to jump to conclusions? 
yes. Im an anxious person so im constantly overthinking and I also find people really hard to read and can get
Are you good at remembering your friends’ birthdays? 
yes my brain cant remember important things but when it comes to dates its like a sponge 
Is there something you need to do, that you’re trying to avoid doing? 
getting a job
Ever pop someone else’s pimple? 
ew no
How long does it take you to fall asleep? 
about 15 minutes depending on how tired I am 
Do you crack your neck often?
no that freaks me out 
Did you have a weird dream last night? 
not that I can remember, I have been having a lot of weird dreams this week because im ill
Who do you sometimes compare yourself to? 
everyone. especially when im at the theatre, im constantly watching other people and wishing I could act like they can or look like them or have their style 
Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things? 
both
In what way are you your own worst enemy? 
every way, I dont look after myself at all 
What activities make you lose track of time? 
sims
When you help someone do you ever think, “What’s in it for me?” 
not really 
Who do you tell your secrets to? 
these surveys 
Who do you live with? 
my parents and our foster kids 
When did/will you graduate? 
I didn't 
When are you moving next? 
I have no idea. probably never 
When is the last time you took a vitamin? 
this morning, im fighting a cold 
Why are you stressed? 
im not too bad right now tbh
Do you need to return anyone’s phone call? 
nope
Where do you keep your birth certificate? 
no clue, my mom has it somewhere 
How many books are in your room?
a lot. I have quite a few on display and a whole bunch hidden away in my closet because theres no space for them anywhere else. I'll include some photos of the books in my room;
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
(the book on my bedside table in the second picture is actually a lamp that lights up when you open it)
Have you ever been IN a wedding? 
nope
What was the last thing you laughed out loud at?
probably my mom 
Do you have a nickname? Why? 
my family call my bongy or Ali bong, I dont know why.. (my name is Alice)
Have you ever had a bad concert experience? 
nope
When was the last time someone told you that you were beautiful/good-looking? Do people often tell you this? 
my mom tells me almost every day but Im like youre my mom of course you would say that 
Are you missing someone of the opposite sex atm? 
no
Want someone back in your life? 
meh
Are you currently sad about anything? 
actually nope
Are you wearing anything shiny? 
my pj top has glittery silver letters on
How important is a sense of humor in a significant other? 
very, I fall very easily for people who make me laugh
How many followers do you have on Twitter? 
198 (@alicethenerd if ya wanna follow 😉)
Do you sleep with the door open or closed? 
closed. I aint about letting those murderers and monsters just waltz straight in easy peasy 
Have you ever been to the beach? 
yes every summer since I was a kid 
Can you handle blood? 
nope
Do you pay your bills or do your parents?
I pay my own bills. no way my dad would be up for paying my bills, he already digs at me constantly about the fact that I live rent free even though I look after the foster kids and tidy the house more than he does
What’s your best friend’s middle name? 
Connor
Has any place hired you underage for a job? 
not officially
Have you ever barely passed a grade/year in school? 
yes
Have you ever carried a concealed weapon? 
no
Have you ever tried to sell something overpriced to someone? 
no
Do you plan to become very wealthy some day? 
I hope to become wealthy enough to not worry about having enough money to put fuel in my car anymore and to be able to pay back my parents and grandad for everything they've done for me 
Do you remember your first time going to the movies? 
no, but my earliest cinema memory was going to watch Monsters Inc with my dad when it was first released 
Does eating breakfast make you sick? 
if I try to eat before a certain time yes
Are you dying to say something to someone right this minute?
not dying to nope
Book series you enjoyed reading recently? 
im reading eve of man atm which apparently is going to be a series
Do you enjoy lying in the grass during the summer, and just existing? 
I prefer lying on a blanket, I dont like the feel of grass and I dont like the bugs crawling around 
Do you have a passport? If so, how many stamps do you have in it? 
yes, it doesn't have many stamps in because I lost the one that did have lots in and I havent been away much since getting the new one 
Are there any keys on your keyboard that have letters fading away? 
nope
Do any of your close friends have children? 
no
What do you plan on having for dinner?
we already had dinner, we had chippy
Do you like Chinese food, or do you find it disgusting? 
I only really like one meal 
Have the police ever come knocking on your door looking for someone? 
actually yes, literally a few weeks ago
Know anybody who works in a tattoo parlor? 
yes, my second cousin 
Have you ever played flashlight tag?
ive never heard of it
Could you call yourself a movie buff?
not really, im a huge movie fan but theres still a lot I need to see 
Have you ever had a piercing get infected?
never had a piercing 
Do you check your fire alarms when you’re supposed to? 
dad does it
Are you a shorts wearing kind of person? 
nope nope nope, my legs are not suitable for public viewing :’)
Is your grandparents’ house obsessively tidy?
not really no. my nan and grandpa’s house is always neat but not obsessively neat. my grandads house is full of clutter because my nan was a hoarder 
About how much can you bench press? 
I dont know, I havent lifted in years 
Have you ever had your phone die on you in the middle of a conversation? 
yes
Is anybody in your family a carpenter? 
no
Are you avoiding someone? 
yes
Do you call your boyfriend “Monkey”? 
I dont have a boyfriend but if I did I doubt id call him monkey
What’s your favorite primary color? 
yellow #hufflepuffpride
What were you for Halloween? 
nothing, I didn't dress up 
Do you have any clothes from Walmart? 
nope, we dont have Walmart here
When did you get a Facebook? 
about 10 years ago 
What color are your eyes? 
green/hazel
What motivates you? 
happiness
Can you walk in heels? 
nope
When was the last time someone asked you your age? 
the other day, my own mother forgot how old I was
Do you keep a journal? 
not really
Have you ever tried a weird flavor of vodka? 
never had vodka
Do you wear a ring on your finger? 
occasionally
What are you doing? 
watching ‘the greatest dancer’ and wondering if this survey is ever going to end 
What’s the last kind of soup you ate?
tomato 
Do you currently have a sunburn?
no. its winter
Who did you last text? 
my sister
Who’d you last call? About what? 
my mom, to ask her to come downstairs and let the dogs out because the baby was asleep on me and there was no way I was going to risk waking her up
Are you currently frustrated with someone? 
yes
Do you drink water or soda more often? 
water
Do you straighten your hair?
yes
When did you last talk to your brother or sister? 
today
What is your least favorite vegetable? 
all of them
Outside of family, name 3 people that make you smile/laugh often. 
Rhys, Addison, Jacob
In school, what subjects did you achieve your highest grades in? 
IT
Was there a subject that you enjoyed, but weren’t too good at? 
I didn't really enjoy any subjects at school
When was the last time something didn’t go to plan? What happened? 
today. I had planned to deep clean the bathroom but I went super dizzy and had to give up half way through cleaning 
Do you have any children? If not, at what age do you think you’ll feel ready to be a parent? 
I dont but I am seriously considering adopting one of our foster babies atm. I want to adopt anyway, theres no way I could be pregnant 
When was the last time you bought a new item of clothing?Describe it. 
I honestly cant remember, im due a shopping trip
Was your last Facebook friend request from a male or female?
female
Do you have an item of clothing that makes you feel especially beautiful? Describe it. 
not really no
Think of the last person that betrayed you. If they said they were sorry, would you forgive them? 
I would cautiously forgive him but I would also make sure he knew that how he treated me was not okay and that he really upset me and this would be his last chance. but tbh I think hes done with me so 🤷🏻‍♀️
Nastiest thing you’ve ever done? 
I dont know, I dont like being nasty
Have you ever been in a lighthouse? 
nope
What colour is your shower? 
I think its silver, ive ever actually noticed
Where do you order your pizza from?
dominos
When is the last time you had a serious talk with someone?
few days ago 
Do you find that you have a certain meal you eat every time you go to certain restaurants? 
yes, im a creature of habit
What colour is your bike?
silver & purple
What word can you not stand to hear people say? 
the c word, I cant even type it
What room of your house are you in? 
living room 
What is the temperature in your city right now? 
9°c
When did you last use a post-it-note?
last week in the script for the show im currently working on 
Would you ever want to own your own restaurant? 
yes
Do you have a fan in your bedroom? 
no I dont like them, they make too much noise 
Who is the last person that you took a picture with? 
one of our foster kids 
When is the last time you were stuck in a fairly long traffic jam?
the weekend before christmas 
Do you have certain friends that you hug every time you see them? 
not many
When was your most recent trip to an aquarium? 
almost two years ago 
What do you like in your salads and what dressing do you prefer? 
I dont like salads
If it has one, do you ever use the notepad function in your phone? 
all the time, Im constantly writing lists or reminders to myself 
How good would you say your memory is?
long term good, short term bad
About how many times during the night do you wake up from your sleep? 
a few times
Are there any air fresheners in your house? What kinds? 
multiple, we have plugs in and sprays and those automatic ones that go off every 15 minutes 
What’s one thing you’re glad you’ve done recently?
done my laundry :’) im on my last pair of pants!
Have you ever done something sexual that you regret? 
no
Do you like to sit in the sun and tan when it’s hot out? 
not really, I dont like being too hot
Ever had a person who was obsessed with you so much that it scared you? 
no
Can you drive, and if you can, do you like it? 
yes, I love driving most of the time 
Have you ever said anything to the last person you kissed that you regret? 
no
Do you like french fries?
yes
Have you ever eaten so much you puked?
not since I was a kid 
Do you care about what others think of your physical appearance? 
annoyingly yes
Would you rather go to Greece or France?
greece
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jooheonies · 6 years
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nawar lover no.1 aka user shwhyuk uwu
bloodorangeki said: the lady formerly known as hyuccwoo, shreknu if u will,
send me a tumblr url and ill tell you what i think of them!
hhhhhh ok before i eben launch into this full love essay. i jst wanna say tht u truly are the light at the end of my tunnel sejung,,,,u make me so happy !!! Like i remember when i was losing my mind off of like three sips of pineapple cider and i legitimately felt like i was gonna throw up but then i was like … damn i can’t forget to text shannon and tell her about all this. and then i talked to u for a full hour or so while u called me a liddle babie nd i continuously whined…either way you truly have me under your spell you demon!!
okay so not to be. dramatic but youre so dreamy and pretty you remind me of rain and soft kisses on the cheeks and rose gardens and bouquets of flowers and soft sunlight on flower meadows and like! that feeling you get in your cheeks when you smile too much for too long and you get that permanent blush across your face! god that’s probabaly nonsense and not very cohesive but you have the same sort of colors…soft orange and light pink….you’re like a sunset on the beach right at the start of spring when theres barely anyone on the shore and the whole world feels really big and wide but even though youre all alone you don’t feel lonely because it still feels like the whole world(you) is poised right at the edge of your fingertips.
hhhh that also probably made very little sense but i dont care i love you so much and im very bad at expressing emotion (blame my virgo moon who hasn’t felt any feelings in over 18 years) but i still feel like always showering u in that sweet love and affection, despite the fact that im horrible with words and i have absolutely no consistency. I feel like it’s really rare to meet someone who literally changes your entire perception of the world but … damn here we are!! tlkaing to u is literally a part of my daily life its a part of who i am at this point :/
Anyways, friendships don’t really come naturally to me because I have a very weird perosnality where like. im simultaneously suffocating whilst also being very detached and it turns people off so quickly but..god we mesh so well i truly love you so much. i also tend to not write a lot whenever i make these posts bc im the kind of person who continously says how much i love you throughtout the convo (even thoguh ill ghost most ppl for a few days) so whenever i get around to writing these im like :// but what else do i say :// but this time!!! oooo i have so much to say i can never go into full loving hours with you bc you always turn things around and get me to start talking abotu myself and pretty soon we start talking about how i used to raise rocks as a kid instead of talking about how hot you are :/
so anyways firstly . those were just the intro pragaraphs im finally getting into my loving sejung essay :(( helloooo one of my favortie things about talking to you is how easily the conversation always flows ….us talking about shownus asshole and the questionable consumption of expired jello and orbeez at 3 am is most likely the more demonic things weve done while simultaenously being the more tame things…my head still aches when i remember that giagntic bruise i got from looking at that wonho+tentacles/changkyun+black hole sketch u made… god we somehow always go from topic to topic with absolutely no regard for cohesiveness and yet neither of us ever question it…we’ll spend hours discussing absolutely nothing …like that one night we stayed up for like three hours on rabbit talking about all the different mx stans and which member has the most stans internationally versus domestically and why….icons of developing complex sociocultural theories at 2am while occasionally mentioning “oh wow its late u should go to bed >:/” god its just that I always lose track of time whenever I talk to you…its like im so focused on that I Love Her mood that I don’t even realize its been 4 hours until I look down at my pile of unfinished homework and then back up at my laptop like. This was a Valid choice why would I pick ib math when I have a whole entire sejung talking to me. hhhh its just that talking to you comes so naturally and I always tell you all these quesiotnable things to which you always respond by first calling me a demon and then laughing about it and encouraging my stupidity. it’s also so so endearing that ill tell you about the dumb shit im doing and your first response is always to nag at me to be safe and take care of myself as if ill actually listen to you and clean a cut with alcohol, risking legitimate Pain… anyways sejung? queen of making me feel loved and noticed? MORE LIKELY THAN U THINK!!!!
hhhhh ok moving on now I get to talk about how. sexy u are damn….i remember back when we were first starting to talk and you sent me those pictures of yourself in that button up and I literally. I quite literally almost passed out in the starbucks while the barista was handing me my strawberry lemonade I truly almost lost it…nd right before that I was encouraging you to talk to the boba girl nd flirt nd be all spicie…but then u sent me those pics nd I was like for what reason would she have to impress boba girl when im right here … mouth open so wide in love that all the bobas are spilling out of my mouth :( not to be dramatic yet again when I know ive mentioned those selfies before but damn…those were so hot u unbuttoned like two or three of the top buttons and u looked so hot truly. raw me vore me behind each and every single boba store location hewwwooo u look so intense nd powerful im truly putty in ur hands not only would I lose my mind for u, I have already lost it
hhhhh im very much rambling and making very little sense rn bc its. 2:30 am and im sleebie nd I blocked all social media sites so id do homework bt I kept thiknning abt u so I was like hm the universe clearly wants me to write about sejung more even though ill have to post this in the morning bc tungle is blocked until then :// bt anaywas that also means I get to go into all the other thigns I love about u and all the things u remind me of :(( hhhh its so wild that I never actually aunch into full loving shannon mood bt I talk abt u so much w my friends theyre all. suspicious ,,,,
them: nawar u don’t actually like romance and u hate talking about people r u perhaps dating this girl??me, w hearts in my eyes laughing at smth ure saying on my phone: what
HHHH DJHFKSJDHF TAHST TRULY ME,,,,ALWAYS THIKNING ABT U,,,ALWAYS BEING BIG HEART EYES FR U,,,at any given moment I could be reminded of u :( I see a piece of paper nd im like huh I should do work then again is work necessary to live perhaps not but sejung is necessary to live,,,,me thinking abt u as I procrastinate every single thing ive ever had to do :D Like, ive never understood when people say that they hated a zodiac sign at one point, and then they met one person and they were like oh my god nevermind this sign is perfect but truly,,,I love geminis now ,,,I used to hate them almost as much as cancer nd now? geminis are all good ure so wonderful nd loving nd sweet u being a gemini saved geminis collectively,,
ill also neber stop talking abt how now matter how much I whine and demand attention, youre always jst,,,supplying it without any question like at one point people usually get annoyed, no matter how endeared they were by it at first, bt youre always calling me a baby (even though im older) nd giving me that sweet Love and Attention,,mmmmm my libra sun thrives under ur care :( hhhh also I feel it is important to point out I love. all of u,,,,like I don’t even usually care much for peoples voices or anything unless its like so deep it sounds like the grim reaper bc that’s wild u ,,bt anyways the first moment I heard ur voice I was. breathless I was so shocked like ur voice is so soothing nd warm its like. if the aesthetic of sunlight and honey and warm pies had a voice,,,hhhh im also not the type to really believe in things like fate nd destiny and soulmates and stuff bt that’s kind of what u remind me of ? in a? not weird way hhhhh so I feel like youre just so naturally in tune with people like nothing really catches you off guard and you roll with peoples different personalities and quirks and you always jst. mesh so well with everyone ure like the minhyuk of the internet,,,,nd like!! theres smth abt u that reminds me of balance and maybe its my libra sun always seeking peace and harmony in life but I always feel so relaxed nd steady whenever I talk to you its like . idk how to explain it!!! its jst so comforting!!!
I was originally gonna cut myself off at 1k but its too late for that now and im gonna put this under a read more anyways and its 3am now so I feel like. go Big or go Home!!! now im gonna launch into a long analysis of u! and ur smile!! first of all,,,its so rare nd wild to find someone who likes validating people more than being validated,,,,u finding my libra antics cute???hhhhh tahts so wild,,,,I could pout for hours nd u would call it cute,,,validating!!! nd the fact that you’ve read my writing,,,,excerpts from my demonic wips and youre stil friends with me?? you still talk to me?? damn that’s like. never to be expected any time I make someone read that tangerine fic they ghost me for a good month but I sent you pieces of that tentacle fic and YOU FUCKCING SKETCHED OUT THE LOOK,,,,,MY MUSE,,,nd also you tend to always steer the convo around to focus on the other person n dim a FOOL who almost falls for it every time,,,before I remember and make u tell me thigns…god ive told you so many obscure things from my childhood like that time I tried to eat a brick and yet you still,,,,talk to me,,,,who are u,,,,hhhh ure always so cute nd giving nd caring I feel like I could genuinely truly look like shit nd send u a selfie nd you would still be like WOW GORGEOEUS YOU LOOK SO GOOD THAT’S HOT!!! u,,,going out of ur way to make ppl happy :( anyways im a fool in love w u ,,,also not to be like. one of those old white boy text posts from tumblr but ,,,,hey girl,,,ladie,,,wamen,,,did u know? ur smile lights up my world? ,,,did u know? theres no such thing as u being anything less than perfect,,,why? because its impossible to be anything less than the essence of who you are. hhhh that’s the dumbest thing im ever written im cutting myself off that was too much this is like. 2k words so far and in all honesty I could continue but then id get gushier than that last line and nobody wants to see That,,,hhhh
this started out with. somewhat decent grammar like I used periods and I think I occasionally capitalized the first letter of the sentence but at this point its incoherent rambling it’s the inside of my brain every time I see u or hear frm u its like when spongebobs brain was on fire and all the cabinets and computers were going up in flames and all the little brain spongebobs were losing their mind that’s me right now losing my mind over you I wrote exactly 2k words in that whole essay,,,,im so fucking valid,,,,ananywas I love you if you couldn’t tell nd iim . somewhat satisfied at being able to vent all this love,,,smoochie,,smoochh,,SMOOCHIIE
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crookednature · 6 years
Text
MASTER CLEANSE
So I never thought Id be able to do something like this..but after a 2 week binge session in LA, I had to put a stop to my eating and drinking habits. I had gorged myself beyond comfort.. lost confidence and felt shitty and tired, even when trying to workout. As tough as it is to swallow, losing weight cant be done just by going to the gym. I thought I could eat like crazy, and go to the gym and magically burn 2000 calories. Wrong. The mental aspect of knowing I have eaten well drives my workout to to next level. Not to mention the beneficial chemical properties of healthy foods. As much as I try to start eating healthy again, I stop within 2 days..once my Trader Joe’s supply runs dry. My mindset needed to change, or I was not going to see the results I wanted. Im an all-or-nothing person, and these extremes are good when they benefit you, however, if Im in a binge eating phase-that hole becomes deeper and deeper. 
SO I DECIDED TO CLEANSE- I have been reading lots of blogs about the master cleanse..and they left out the details about the cleanse that I was missing. The Truth. And if you don’t want to read about some gross well..shit..then I suggest you dip out! 
THE RECIPE/DIRECTIONS
2 T organic lemon or lime juice.
2 T organic Maple Valley Syrup.
1/10 t cayenne pepper.
10 oz spring or purified water.
Drink 6 to 12 glasses per day.
DAY 1-3 You will start with the salt water flush (2 teaspoons of salt & 32 oz of h20-basically a standard nalgene bottle size) 
for the rest you will drink a mixture of lemon juice/maple syrup/cayenne pepper
end the evening with smooth move laxative tea.
DAY 1- Woke up hungover AF. In NEED of a cleanse. Went to the store and got the ingredients..there were free flowers at the grocery store!! My award for cleansing! Did the salt water flush, and thought I was going to gag but then pictured the salt water as soup, and it helped me enough to get it down the hatch. I was at the toilet almost immediately. I will just say that there is a reason they call it a flush. I drank about 70 or so oz of the lemonade mixture. I wasn’t hungry until the night time, and I had my boyfriend talk me through it. IT HELPS TO HAVE SOMEONE TO CLEANSE WITH OR AT LEAST SOMEONE WHO WILL TALK YOU THROUGH IT.  I might have given up at this point..but the Lemonade mix is pretty delicious, so its nice to have. When you crave food- go to the Lemonade. It will give you what you need. 
Went to bed and drank the smooth move . WOW.  Woke up in the middle of the night and ran to the bathroom. (I TOLD YOU THIS WAS GOING TO GET GRAPHIC) by now its pretty much water. 
wet wipes..all I gotta say,
DAY 2- Woke up at 7am feeling sharp. And not HUNGRY. Was dreading salt water, but I slammed it down. Bout the same timing as my flush yesterday. I still dont feel hungry, but have energy. I heard people get nauseous but I think they are pansies lol. Ive lost 3 pounds. Not that exciting or surprising..as I have been shitting my brains out. I made my mix with a little more cayenne today because I like the flavor of the spice. Will see how this turns out. 
Stay tuned. Hit me up with any questions or motivation!!!! Id love to talk to someone else who is cleansing..so we can keep eachother on track. xoxo
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d-erica · 4 years
Text
worth living
Life is as beautiful as you can possibly make it out to be.Life is very much taken for granted. But everyones perspective is different. We can deny it as much as we want, but the ugly truth is that at some point almost everyone has sat in their bed in complete darkness and hoped and prayed for a better or just in general a different life. But we didnt magically get that now did we? No. This post is primarily my past perspective on life. I dont know if anyone else has felt or at least thought in this same way, but this is my input. Now I am not going to sit here and write lies saying that my life was consistent of good or of bad. Childhood was really weird and awkward for me. My memory has blocked alot of those earlier days out primarily because I never learned the basics of being in touch with my emotions so yes in elementary i had bestfriends, but what everyone else felt it seemed kind of impossible and foreign to me. I didnt understand the meaning of hugs and of saying the words ‘’ I love you’’. Saying the word ‘’bye’’ always rubbed me off the wrong way because I knew at a young age that when i said  that word to my dad before he was stationed overseas in the air force that that potentionally could be the last time that Id be considered ‘’daddys little girl’’. I knew too soon that things couldnt be perfect forever so I already started putting up a wall trying to  protect myself from any harm or abandonment. I grew up with the same routine all the way up to high school avoiding certain interactions and any type of physical affection. I came off as nonchalant or as alot of people would refer to me as ‘’emotionless’’. I knew for a fact that I had emotions and some type of heart deep down inside of me somewhere. My comedy made up for the missing aspects of me i guess. At least for awhile. Fast forward to sophmore year of high school. Something in me changed, it was like a switch. Sixteen years of built up anger, disgust, sadness all came and took control over my entire mind,body,and soul. The funny, lively side of me people once loved changed, people saw the drastic change. I knew they knew something was wrong, and alot of people tried their best to uplift me but no matter what they said. I was still me, I was still the only one in my head. I made myself think and feel like I was all in this alone and that i couldnt get pulled out of this rut. I was just so bitter to the world, just so over basically everything. For someone who used to cry twice a year, i started to cry like five times a day everyday of each month in that time frame. These feelings went on for such a long time that I started to hate myself for me being so uncontrollably sad and weak all of the time. My grades in school went down and down. My family life was at the peak of being the worse thing Ive ever had to see. I think i was just overall disgusted with the way I allowed myself to bury myself in my bed and my feelings without seeking or reaching out for help. During the time frame, I lost all ability or energy to go to school, sleep at night causing my extreme insomnia even now to this day, perform my best at my job, be happy in public settings with friends, leave my room to show my face to my family, and mainly stopped eating and drinking appropriately, I lost like fifty pounds just during the time of being so numb and hopeless. My bones became brittle so I could sometimes barely stand without feeling like falling over. This basically just gave people bigger and stronger than me the green light to sexually abuse and psychically abuse me. Everyday it seemed like another thing to break me. Months went by and I just grew tired. Absolutely tired, exhausted, literally depression won over and over again. My mind shifted from feeling utterly lonely to developing to mental nightmares. No matter how much trauma Ive witnessed or been through, my thoughts are what ruined me, No one else did that to me. Only thing that went through my head was how and what was the easiest way i could possibly die, I didnt want this life. Obviously the odds werent in my favor. Obviously I was a lost cause because no matter what loved ones said or did it didnt stick with me throughout my whole day. Therapy didnt help probalby because I sat there stubborn for two hours with blank eyes, they offered prescriptions that seemed like placebo. ‘’ Here take this when you wake up every morning so you can start off with a clear mind.’’ Yall know how hard it is to look in the face of a therapist you had since seventh grade and hold back the words ‘’ Mrs. Witherspoon I dont plan on waking up in the morning, Im really tired you know.’’ I never told her that and couldnt bring myself to say ‘’bye’ because it brought me back to childhood where I knew itd be the last time. I wrote my notes to individual people. I knew what action I was going to take that night to finally put things and myself to rest. I was on the edge of putting myself at peace then like in a split second difference I got a ft call that I didnt answer. Seeing the name of the person made me stop in my tracks though and something told me to check my messages and look at the previous loving paragraphs Ive ever gotten. I just could not continue. I knew the people in my life didnt deserve the heartache and confusion that would be left after my self afflicted passing. I burned the handwritten goodbye notes and went to sleep . I vowed that I wouldnt put myself in that situation ever again. Yes, things in my life didnt magically improve but I did try to look at things in a different manner. Months went past and I wasnt in as a bad place anymore, but I just wasnt fit for some relationships anymore because it was just unfair to give half of me all the time when people did nothing but give me love and sense of patience all the time. I guess there was alot of pressure to be perfect and it sort of started messing with my mind seeing everyone happy and wondering why Im not i guess. People definitely deserve better than what I ever had to offer, I wish nothing but the best for anyone who has stuck with me in the times around a year ago. Fast forward it is the middle of senior year and I am really happy right now. Ive gained alittle weight, I feel beautiful in my own skin, my grades are so muc better. I should get at least three to four cords at graduation from my honor society clubs here this upcoming spring .Isolating myself in a positive way and letting go of bad situations and coping mechanisms was the best decision I have done. Lately Ive been taking one day at a time. This transformation definitely wasnt overnight, it was like a two year process. Even though some things from those times are still hard to think about, im forever grateful for the hardships and obstacles. Life experiences definitely has shaped me into the young woman I am now, I was kind of mature before everything but this definitely pushed me to see clearly and handle things with more thought and overall process of how and when to react. I used to pray that I could have a diiferent life and even though this is not exactly what I meant, It is still really good at the moment. Ive reconnected with some people from the past, and Ive also attracted more people recently who have come my bestfriends, Things do look up eventually. Life is truly what YOU make it.
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darkcookiesnmilk · 7 years
Text
Midnight Thoughts: Taehyung (BTS)
Um, hi 
you probably don't know me
oh sure you don't
I don't know you either, I just randomly dialed your number to be honest
wait don't block
I just wanted to, um, vent a bit, if that is possible 
Please don't reply till I'm done tho, it'd be more comfortable that way
it's okay if you aren't gonna read this, I just need to let this out, it's been heaving on my chest for enough time
uhh, so where to start
You'd probably find what's bothering me ridiculous, call me weird. I don't care. I just roll that way, maybe I'm depressed. Who knows?
I'm at a point where I don't even know what's bothering me anymore, you know, when a lot of things just pile up and you can't figure out what you're upset about
I broke up with my boyfriend a while ago, I mean he broke up with me, on my birthday. Funny, isn't he?
We were supposed to go to Japan, you know, spend a few days there including my birthday. It was his idea, he paid and everything and I found it so sweet.
the flight was at 2am, two hours through my birthday. We reached the airport an hour before and If I said I wasn't excited I would be lying.
it was time to transfer to the boarding room when he broke the news to me.
he said we had to break up. I still remember every little thing he said that day. the truth was that he had a scholarship to major in dancing in Japan, and while we were both studying veterinary together he was also studying dancing in parallel without me knowing. He said he didn't believe in long distance relationships and that it was better if we stopped dating. 
He didn't pay for my ticket or anything. He was going by himself and left me standing in the middle of the airport while he accessed the boarding room.
that night I got drunk. for the first time. I had a friend who worked at a coffee shop that turned into a bar by nighttime.
he tried comforting me and telling me to stop drinking. I couldn't.  I just couldn't. I wanted to forget about what had just happened.
of course, and you probably figured out that, I didn't. 
My family knew about what happened soon after. My parents scolded me a lot. Since I spent forever to convince them it was okay to date him and that we weren't going to end soon. I even thought we could get married. I tried to convince them that he was the one and that he wasn't going to distract me from my studies, which seemed like the only fucking thing occupying their mind. I almost thought they don't see me as a human anymore, but as exam marks.
They were really mad and I eventually got into a fight with them. They kept claiming they knew from the beginning that he wasn't good news and he was going to dump be anyways. Goodness how would they even fucking know.
I was practically alone. I had a close friend who was in Paris by the time, and I really didn't Want to bother her with my bullshit, the girl was living her dream of becoming a designer after all. 
I was lost. My marks started dropping and I didn't contact my parents or they'd be furious with me. I had no desire to eat and skipped meals often, eventually getting sick a lot. I am sick right now actually, I keep on sneezing 
and to top it the owner of the apartment I'm living in informed me by the beginning of the following month that he'd increase the renting fee. And of course I had nothing to say about it. I spent forever to find this studio so I had no choice but to accept.
I of course had no money, and also no plans of asking my family for money. I didn't have any one to borrow money from even if I wanted. How pathetic. life is funny 
I got a part time job. I started working at the coffee shop I had a friend in, Serving early in the morning and late in the evening before the place turned into a bar. Also known as the only free time I had from college. 
I didn't want to work the nighttime because I honestly didn't want to end up between someone's legs.
I automatically got close to that friend, since he was the only one I knew there. we had been meeting for over three years and I felt comfortable around him
Until I fell for him. I didn't know how it happened but I did. 
long story short, I confessed one day and he rejected me. Oh sure he would. He said he saw me as a younger sibling that he cared for. And here I had the tiniest hope he was doing so because he mirrored my feelings. I told you life is funny. Too funny that I just noticed that I'm crying now.
I told him to forget about it and that we should just stay friends like we were. I really didn't want to lose someone else.
one day I got dismissed of college early and had a meeting with a high school friend. Of course we met at that same coffee shop. 
She saw my friend and she immediately fell for him. I actually didn't blame her, he was too fine that girls would try to flirt with him everyday. 
Long story short she asked me to hook her up with him, since she knew I worked there and was close to him.
she started coming more often to the café and as much as it made me deranged I tried making the two close, and it worked. They started dating and I never felt lonlier.
I spent most of my time working, studying, working again, studying at home and chatting with a close online friend from Japan.
she had been my friend since forever and we never got the chance to meet. 
Then one day she told me she'd be coming to Korea for a few days, also informing me that her boyfriend was coming along which I didn't bother about at all. 
In fact, I did. I still remember that day clearly. The day I was waiting for her to come in this restaurant and she came in, hand in hand with her boyfriend, who was none other than my ex.
both of us were surprised to see each other again, I had a terrified face on while he just looked at me as if he was saying oh hey you actually managed to still be alive. My friend was so confused when I suddenly ran away. I was crying. And no where in hell was I going to let him see me cry because of him.
just when I thought he was long gone and I could forget about him he came again 
and that's how I started all the way from zero. Trying to erase him from my memory. I couldn't forget the look on his face that day. He was almost smirking impressedly. He knew I was too attached to him and that I turned into a mess after he left.
My friend understood the situation later and apologized to me. I told her there was nothing to apologize about and there really wasn't. Its not like she knew he was my ex and dated him on purpose.
So for now, I'm still working and studying. The others are still dating so I dont see any of them often. 
Exams are coming and I don't really think I'm ready, which is not of me at all 
I'm kind of a perfectionist you see, I like to have everything prepared and set for anything. good grades, good looks, good manners. I wanted them all. Call me selfish 
I never had good looks to begin with. I never went out without make up. I guess it just worked out like this. I'm insecure about how I look and I would never lie about it.
I keep strict track of my weight and starve myself if I gain any. 
Even though people tell me I'm fine. What are 52kilos for a 169cm tall girl? I was already underweight. But I didn't care. I would never be satisfied with how I look anyways 
I'm now just sitting here in my bed while hugging Baby Lion, my favorite lion plush. 
He's better than them all I think. If Baby Lion was a person I would've dated him. He seems like he'd never leave me.
sorry for spamming you, I hope you aren't bothered with all of my ranting -you probably are- 
you don't even know me and I rudely interrupted your peace with my problems, really sorry
if you ever read this, thanks. It actually helped me out a bit. They say letting out your heart to a stranger makes you feel better 
If it's possible can I vent to you whenever I'm feeling down? Id still do even if you say no tho just saying, you can not read them if you want
again sorry for disturbing you, take care 
good night.
-
Hello, you didn't send a message in a while now so I think you're, uhh, done now, or fallen asleep
Don't cry. Trust me just don't, it's not worth it, everything ain't worth it
I may not be in the right place to talk, I just got to hear your story, I don't even know your name or whatsoever
but I believe you should just brush it all off.
Your ex? Screw him
so what if he went to Japan? Good for him. Are you really going to let him have all the fun there while you sulk in your bed bawling your eyes out about him? Guess not, if he isn't bothered about leaving you, then why are you? Let him be, if he wants to be an asshole that's his problem. Also if you think he might do it again, inform your friend.
Your family? Its about time they realize you're not just about your grades. Have a serious talk with them. But before everything, I think you should apologize. You know for fighting with them. Then make things up.
Your job? I really hope you quit it. I don't know why, but I'm not the least comfortable when I see a girl having a parttime job. Try to make up with your parents and ask them for money instead.
your friends? Let those two date, even though you might be a bit hurt seeing them together. Just make them notice they've been leaving you behind, and not just because they were dating that they can stop talking to you or seeing you often.
I don't know about the Japanese one, I told you, if you think your ex might ditch her too, tell her to break up with him before it's too late.
You do what you think is best.
And uh considering that I don't know you and I never saw you I don't think you'd believe me but I really think you're beautiful. Everyone is. And there is no reason for you not to.
if you want to wear makeup, wear it. Just don't feel insecure about your natural face.
Also don't strave yourself. Like seriously, don't. Youre more than fine so go ahead and eat whatever you want.
I bet you're looking too unhealthy considering you're 169cm tall (oh hey tall girl right there, that's rare these days!)
You should really just feel good about yourself, because that's what makes you different. No, that's what makes you limited edition; if that feels better.
So for now please wipe away those tears and stop crying, that if you're still awake. go take a good warm shower and sleep while, uh, hugging Baby Lion.
nice to meet you, if you ever feel down don't hesitate to message me. Or we can do it face to face. Over two good warm mugs of coffee. You have my number.
I mean I'm not courting you or anything I uh
I would just also feel good about myself for helping someone, haha
Take care, good night
ps: I'm Taehyung
-
I'm Hajin.
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wrinkledblackfabric · 7 years
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1/3/17
hi. happy new year.
now that thats out of the way
listening to solange has made me think about where ill be in 15 years listening to solange, you know? lets say eleven, for the sake of things actually
will i be in an apartment in some city surrounded by plants with long hair thinking about listening to solange right before my seventeenth birthday, thinking about the loneliness i have a tendency to allow seep in. will i be living alone. i hope now.
i imagine ill have this window looking out of my rainy window while my roommate is still at work. ill have an eggshell sweater on. i hope this version of me loves herself more. doesnt feel so lost in her own body.
you know eventually id like to start journaling in a notebook but ironically i find that when free-writing my thoughts they flow better over keyboard as opposed to physical text. thats some crazy left brain right brain shit when compared to how i am academically. jesus.
my manager threatened to quit for the umpteenth time today. shes gonna die and still be serving coffees as a ghost i swear to god.
enough of that.
my new years resolutions so far have been to be find more meaning in art again and to live more slowly. this has both a physical and abstract meaning. i think the abstract, naturally, will be more meaningful. my plans include 
buying lots of little herb plants for my windowsill, starting with rosemary
painting more with the color yellow
writing more music
keeping track of poetry, both reading and writing
drinking more tea
being more mindful overall
lately ive had this great existential itch of my consciousness trying to scratch its way out of my skull. i know my personality is only a combination of chemicals in my brain, right, but still - this is my meatsuit. i should at least try to take care of it.
even still, you keep the attitude you exude. i find it so draining to attempt to uphold a certain sarcastic self deprecative personality at times that i absorb the persona itself and thats not terribly healthy. i remember working on the days leading up to christmas eve, being incredibly tired and feeling weighted down by the both the loom of the holiday and the waves and waves of customers. as glum as my grey house had been making me feel during the holiday season (as the whole nation seemed to have a grim, lightless christmas), the simple repetition of the phrase “merry christmas” ultimately put me in a better mood altogether. you are what you eat, you know.
or something like that.
anyway.
also major shoutout to her, for being the only customer i actually told my stresses to. id trust that woman with my life. i wonder how many lifetimes shes seen. honestly, i think shes on one of her first ones - the innocence she exudes is beyond her years and i think thats beautiful. id love a woman like that.
on another thought - id love to get high and listen to solange. i hope future me doesnt smoke. that much. you have to promise me that ill never smoke cigarettes.
whenever im in one of my depressive slumps i think about how people must smoke cigarettes to reassure themselves that theyre slowly aiding their own demise - in a comforting sense. that theyre helping their consciousness sneak out of their bodies, one fag at a time. maybe thats too poetic, maybe im trusting these hypothetical people with too much artistic integrity. i dont know.
i did burn myself that one time. i liked the raw feeling it left on my fingertips. i can imagine how cutting would feel like youre allowing small echoes of yourself leak out of your skin, and i think too that it would be a relief but only one that tomorrow me would frown upon and current me would find utterly too delicious. 
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denisalvney · 5 years
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How Jennifer the Photographer Discovered a Love of Strength Training, Lost 20 Pounds, and Leveled up Her Life.
“This is why we do this.”
When I heard Jennifer’s story, I knew I had to share it.
She’s a member of the Nerd Fitness community who for years struggled with things most of us can relate to:
Seeking comfort in sugary foods and alcohol.
A lack of energy and all around feeling of fatigue.
An eating disorder as a teenager that created an unhealthy relationship with food.
Not knowing her next step towards a healthier lifestyle.
Jennifer found herself stuck in this pattern until rock bottom presented itself: divorce.
When bad times strike, it becomes easy to slip further into bad habits and vices.
Jennifer knew this and realized she had to turn her life around.
Six months ago, she did just that.
Today, Jennifer loves strength training and is the strongest she’s ever been. She changed her views on food and nutrition and is no longer intimidated by the kitchen. Jennifer recently completed her first 8k, something she couldn’t have dreamed of doing before.
And oh, Jennifer just came back from an epic photography trip where her new found stamina and strength allowed her to hike mountains to capture some awesome shots:
That’s her!
I’m honored that Jennifer has been a member of our 1-on-1 Online Coaching program since August, and has used our guidance to level up her life!
While strength training and getting comfortable in the kitchen are important, the real success for Jennifer has been with her mindset. She knows she can’t change everything at once and is using one small change to spring into another change and then another, using each as a stepping stone to the next.
This new frame of mind is something we can all learn from.
It’s how Jennifer was able to transform so quickly and lose 20 pounds in a healthy, sustainable way. While it seems like changing everything at once is the quickest way to success, it’s often too stressful and thus abandoned.
However, if you do what Jennifer did, and start with one simple habit like a food journal – it can start improving other areas of your life too.
You don’t need to hear it from me though…
Let’s bring in Jennifer!
HOW JENNIFER THE PHOTOGRAPHER LOST 20 POUNDS AND LEVELED UP HER LIFE
STEVE: Hi Jennifer! Thank you so much for taking the time to chat with me.
I’d love to hear from you about your past – can you describe a normal day for you before you joined NF Coaching?
JENNIFER: My day was pretty random, with no real set schedule. It would be hard for me to get up in the morning, and then I’d have an unhealthy breakfast – the American South is full of delicious things like biscuits and fried foods. Later in the day, I’d often find myself needing to take a long nap.
Looking back, I did not have any sort of set schedule and spent my days with a foggy brain and zero energy.
STEVE: I hear ya. A super carb heavy and sugary breakfast can send your blood sugar on a rollercoaster for the day. Sometimes a nap is the only way off of it.
What changed? What made you invest in yourself by joining Nerd Fitness Coaching last summer?
JENNIFER: I had a really horrific divorce and hit an all time low. I moved out of my home in Seattle, WA, back to my hometown in North Carolina. Sometimes you just have to escape your surroundings.
I found myself comforting with sugary foods and alcohol. You know, totally healthy antidepressants.
This really started to take a toll on my body.
I had a moment of clarity then, as I realized I just didn’t have enough knowledge or drive to make changes on my own. I’m a believer in the “spoon theory,” which is a metaphor you see around the internet, which helps explain the limited amount of energy we face.
Imagine having twelve spoons handed to you each morning. Every task or difficult scenario takes a spoon from you. Often at the end of the day, you have no more “spoons” to give.
I knew I’d be much more successful with a routine that didn’t require any “spoons” to get to the gym. Instead, I could just start with workouts from home.
It was right about then I decided to give the Nerd Fitness Coaching program a try. I decided I wanted to be told exactly what to do, which again would require less “spoons” from me.
STEVE: I love the analogy of “spoons!” We’ve talked here in the past that willpower can be a finite resource for many. By the end of the day, you really can just be drained. Our philosophy on the subject matches your thoughts on spoon theory. That’s why we always encourage people to design systems that have the least amount of friction and require the least amount of willpower, or “spoons.”
I’m glad you realized this and wanted to create a system where you could start working out from home. You can grow the practice into a gym routine (or not) later. The important thing is finding a system that allows you to start TODAY.
You’ve been with coach Evan now for six months. Can you talk to me a little bit about what he had you do?
JENNIFER: Evan started me out just counting calories, learning about the foods I ate, and getting used to comfortably logging my meals.
I had an eating disorder as a teenager. Hyper-focusing on everything I was eating and logging it all was really starting to trigger a lot of anxiety and bad memories in the beginning.
But I told Evan all of this at our first meeting and he has been very good about helping me completely turn my perspective around about tracking my meals. He told me not to have any judgment about what I was eating, and to view the practice as a scientist collecting data.
That perspective helped (Steve’s note: woo! Science rules!)
For exercise, Evan started me out just taking a walk every day, followed shortly by some basic bodyweight exercises. At first, these were really tough, because I was really out of shape to start. I’d end most sessions a sweaty exhausted mess on the floor.
Then Evan added in more dumbbell exercises (I have a small set at home and borrowed a bench from my family) and I instantly fell in love with those exercises! Evan made sure to add more of those into my routine as well.
STEVE: That’s great to hear Jennifer. It’s no secret that I’m a big fan of strength training.
What’s your routine like now? What else is Evan having you do?
JENNIFER: 5 months in, I’m even more of an avid walker. I walk daily, sometimes over 5 miles, or sometimes shorter if my walking buddies bail on me.
Total flakes (j/k, I love you guys).
I do strength training 3 days a week with a combination of bodyweight and dumbbell exercises.
We just introduced some yoga routines to both help with stress relief and to help with stretching and mobility. I have had some issues with cranky muscles and joints on occasion, which yoga is helping with.
The whole experience has been crazy to me.
I’ve gotten to the point where I enjoy some kind of physical activity every day of the week.  
And fell IN LOVE with lifting weights.
It is damn satisfying to see myself becoming a chick with “guns.”
At this point, I have bigger biceps than my father and brother, haha. I am loving every second of that. It feels so good to be strong and be able to handle things on my own.
As a female, that is even more important to me because society is pretty much built around telling us women that we can’t be strong enough and we cannot do things on our own. I am fed up with that cultural stereotype!
As an aside, prior to joining NF Coaching, I was greatly inspired by Staci’s story and transformation. I like to think I’m following in her footsteps.
STEVE: Yes! I love it. I think everyone should follow a strength training practice: man, woman, child, grandparent, self-aware robot… all of them! I’m really glad you found this new passion.
Also, I’m glad you found inspiration from Staci! Many a rebel around here have also changed their lives after reading about Staci.
You sent over some awesome pics of a recent trip in Scotland. Can you talk to me a little bit about that?
JENNIFER: It was my goal in 2018 to do a hiking trip in Scotland. With Evan’s help, I got enough strength and endurance to do exactly that!
I went on a photography workshop on the Isle of Skye and completed the most difficult hike I have ever done up to a rock structure called the Old Man of Storr. It was one of the proudest moments of my life. I couldn’t have done it without Evan’s help. So I am quite grateful.
I wanted to be able to do the mountain hikes with all my heavy camera gear on my back, without being assigned to the group of folks who couldn’t do as much. I knew I was in no shape to do it originally.
However, Evan and I created a plan, executed it, and boom! Up the mountain I went.
I can do so many cool things with my body that I wasn’t able to do 5 months ago! I power walked my first 8k about a month after starting with Evan. It was hard but I had built the endurance from walking every single day before it.
STEVE: I think it’s so great that you worked towards a goal and then hit it. I often encourage people to try and build up strength for an event. Something like a marathon, a ski trip, or in your case a photography workshop on the top of a mountain.
It gives you something to shoot for, something to motivate you to work out when it seems so much easier to skip it. I’m glad you created a goal for yourself, made a plan with your coach, and then nailed it!
Your physical appearance has changed. What else has changed about you?
JENNIFER: I’ve had vast improvements in my posture which I think in turn has improved my self-confidence.
There’s something about standing straight and tall with your shoulders back that makes you feel a bit like a badass. Someone who can conquer anything the day will throw at you.
I’ve also battled depression for most of my adult life. And while it by no means is cured, the severity of it has been lessened by the daily physical activity and improved nutrition.
All around, today I have the general ability to do more things because I have more energy and focus than I used to.
I still have days when I get overly stressed out and go a bit off the rails with my nutrition and make unhealthy choices. However, I appreciate Nerd Fitness for the “never twice in a row” mindset. It keeps me from feeling like an utter failure if I have a day with too much pizza or delicious cake or something. I just know the next day, it’s time for me to get back on track.
STEVE: That’s so cool! I’m happy “never twice in a row” resonated with you. I think it’s an important tool for preventing bad habits from developing. When people slip up (and we all slip up), it can become so easy to continue. Having a motto that stops this trend from continuing is a game-changer. I’m proud of you Jennifer.  
You mentioned a need to adjust your relationship with food. Can you talk to me a little bit about that? What’s your nutrition strategy like now?
JENNIFER: I’m proud to say I’ve changed my relationship with food. I’ve always used food as a comfort. Knowing this, I was really nervous about even just logging my food. Looking back though, it was such an important first step.
Tracking everything I was eating was eye-opening.
It helped me see what I was putting into my body, which gave me more confidence and determination in the kitchen. As of today, I’ve conquered cooking all kinds of foods, founds healthy recipes I enjoy, and am beginning to work on meal prep. Evan has a strategy for me to plan ahead on food preparation.
Healthy eating really has been a game changer. I am much more clear-headed today than I was six months ago, and I credit nutrition as a huge reason why.
I don’t really follow Paleo or anything like that.
Coach Evan has introduced me more into a “If It Fits Your Macros” style of eating. He really hammered in the thought that I had to eat protein with every meal.
I’ve also drastically reduced my sugar and alcohol consumption, although I’ll still indulge from time to time. Going back to “If It Fits Your Macros,” if I know I’m going to be eating dessert or having some drinks, I’ll plan for it and reduce my calories and carbs beforehand. Again though, I’m doing this less and less. I actually prefer healthier foods now, to be honest.
STEVE: That’s great to hear you say that. We here at Nerd Fitness continuously remind everyone that 80-90% of the weight loss comes down to nutrition. Not only that, but REAL food just makes you feel better. Which will give you more energy to workout. I’m glad that Evan has helped you see a plate of food differently.
What are you still working on? What new habits are you trying to develop?
JENNIFER: I am still establishing a fixed routine for sleeping and waking up, which is definitely something that has been a struggle to do. I have seen improvements though.
I’ve created a pretty solid breakfast routine, prioritizing protein. Oftentimes it’ll be cottage cheese, which I never realized I’d like!
I also have a glass of water upon waking up, which has been a good change.  
Earlier I mentioned I started doing yoga. I’m experimenting with doing it first thing in the morning.
My biggest challenge for creating a successful morning routine is going to bed on time. I would say this is still a work in progress. One habit at a time.
STEVE: Getting to bed on time can be such a critical step. I’ve struggled with being a “morning person” myself, but it really is worth pursuing the routine. Keep at it, Jennifer!
Do you have any words of advice for somebody who hasn’t invested in any program and can’t seem to make any progress?
JENNIFER: Don’t fall into the perfectionistic trap that I did and feel like you have to do ALL the things at once or you are a total failure. No human can dive into deep water before learning to swim.
Trying to do that is like taking a starter character in World of Warcraft and heading straight to a high-level dungeon: you’ll get trampled.
If you cannot commit to a program or feel overwhelmed that’s completely okay. Start small. Pick a small change and stick to that and build onto that routine once you’ve gotten comfortable. This way you slowly mold yourself into the person you want to be.  
I loved RPGs and grew up during the NES and SNES era and building good habits and getting healthy feels exactly like those games in a way. You don’t start at level 99,999 doing max damage to everything. You level up from the beginning and gain spells and abilities along the way and your character slowly evolves into the one you want it to be.
I think the Nerd Fitness “Level Up Your Life” motto is incredibly accurate.
Great change is made by accomplishing many smaller changes. And you’re so much less likely to become discouraged and just rage-quit if you go about change this way.
STEVE: That’s amazing Jennifer. You nailed the whole philosophy on “Level Up Your Life.” Start small, and before you know it you’re a top-level mage slaying dragons with ice spells. Or in your case, climbing up mountains.
Alright, one last question: you’ve already used some of our language, but what makes you a nerd?
JENNIFER: I consider myself a multi-dimensional nerd! If that’s not a phrase I am deeming it thus. I’ve loved video games since I was very small. Loved all the NES and Mario games, as well as the Zelda series and RPGs like Chrono Trigger and the Final Fantasy series.
I’ve played World of Warcraft with an awesome guild of all women for over 10 years.
Shout out to Daughters of the Alliance!
Comics are also a love. My absolute favorite is Neil Gaiman’s Sandman, and pretty much anything else he or David Mack have been involved in. I pretty much love all things nerdy.
STEVE: I do love me some Neil Gaiman too – I actually have Vol 1 of Sandman sitting on my coffee table! Thank you for taking the time to speak with me, Jennifer! All the best!
THE SIX KEYS TO JENNIFER’S WEIGHT LOSS AND LEVEL UP SUCCESS!
In speaking with Jennifer, I realized she had a few great traits which helped her succeed.
Lots of people embark on a fitness journey. Unfortunately, many of them are exactly where they started six months later.
Jennifer is different. In half a year, she’s changed her relationship with food, begun strength training, and has taken an epic trip.
After a rough patch, she used hitting rock bottom to turn her life around.
In speaking with her, and analyzing her choices and decisions, I think there are six traits that set Jennifer apart.
Here’s what we can learn from Jennifer’s success:
#1) JENNIFER STOPPED RELYING ON WILLPOWER
I love Jennifer’s “spoon” analogy. She knew she only had so much energy, only so much willpower, to get things done. So she sought a system that would require the least amount from her:
Instead of buying a gym membership she would never use, she started working out from her home.
Jennifer started with simple bodyweight exercises, a solid strategy to build momentum
Once she got a little more comfortable from working out at home, she starting using dumbbells and a bench press that she had access to. Again, all from home.
Working out and going to the gym are not tied together. If you have limited experience and/or motivation, start by doing simple bodyweight exercises at home. This is what Jennifer did!
Second, know that working out gives you more energy. Which can help give you more willpower. Which can help you embark on other habits like cooking or meal prep.
If you want to head to a gym for exercise, great! I do. However, if you have a hard time motivating yourself to leave the house, it doesn’t have to be the only option.
Starting small requires less willpower, which can help make your actions more likely to become routine.
#2) JENNIFER INVESTED IN HERSELF AND ASKED FOR HELP
Continuing on the theme of limited willpower, Jennifer knew she needed to do things differently. She saw herself with destructive habits that needed to be changed.
Doing it alone seemed impossible. It was hard enough for Jennifer to get out of bed and face the day. She knew that creating a plan and then sticking with it would require a lot of energy. Energy and willpower she was already having trouble coming up with.
So she asked for help. Jennifer wanted “Someone in MY corner to help cheer me on and guide me into a better way of living.” I’m proud that she reached out to us for that someone, and that she made a connection with her NF Coach, Evan.
It’s okay to ask for help! Knowing what to do, how to do it, and how to tell if it’s working requires a lot of energy. Some can do it alone. But many can’t. Asking for help, and then being willing to invest in that help can be a life-changing decision. Jennifer knew this and was willing to take the step to hire someone to create a plan and help her execute it.
I’ve had an online coach myself for 4 years and it has changed my life.
#3) JENNIFER HAD DRAGONS TO SLAY
I love that Jennifer planned a photography workshop in Scotland that required some physical strength and endurance. Hiking up a mountain with camera equipment isn’t easy, and Jennifer knew she’d have to train if she was going to make it.
So she asked for help, developed a plan on how to do it, and followed the plan. And boom! She was able to hike up her equipment for her class.
Having a goal gave Jennifer her “Big Why.”
When Jennifer started logging her food, it gave her anxiety. When she first started working out, she would be exhausted. When her walking buddies bailed on her, she went anyway.
Jennifer did these things because she knew they were part of a plan to get her up the Old Man of Storr in Scotland. Without doing the work, she would never get to the top. She would have to be part of the group that stuck to the sidelines.
Having a goal can provide the “Big Why.” When things get tough (and they will get tough), knowing “why” you are working hard can make all the difference.
Perhaps you want to go skiing with your kids and don’t want to be exhausted halfway through. Maybe there’s a marathon your friends are doing, and you want to go with them. Perhaps it’s practicing pull-ups so you can go tag along with your spouse who loves rock climbing.
Having a “Big Why” can be the key to making or breaking a fitness journey. And what happens after you slay a dragon? You go find a bigger dragon!
4#) JENNIFER STARTED HER JOURNEY WITH SMALL STEPS
Jennifer began with two small habits that most people can start today:
Jennifer started logging her food.
Jennifer started taking a daily walk.
We often advise people to pick a small habit they can imagine sticking with permanently. Once this becomes part of a normal routine, they can think about picking another.
This can be better than planning on “Going full Paleo, start rock climbing, and beginning a ballroom dancing practice.” If you don’t do any of these things currently, it could be very tough to start doing them all at once.
And we all know temporary changes produce temporary results. We want results that last!
That’s why Coach Evan had Jennifer start with small changes she could actually sustain.
For nutrition changes, Evan just had Jennifer track her food.
No judgment. No “eat this, not that.”
Just a log of everything she was consuming. Once Jennifer got comfortable doing this, and only once Jennifer became comfortable doing this, did Evan start to make recommendations for adjustments.
Jennifer also started small with exercises: just a walk.
Walking is a great start for a fitness journey (it’s also a great way to get to Mordor). It’ll get your heart rate up and your muscles moving, and it’s something you can do around your neighborhood. Even just a five-minute walk is a great start. Once you get in the habit of that, you can make take it to 10 minutes or even a full mile. If you start this way, eventually you can be like Jennifer and crush miles each and every day.
After you get in the habit of walking, you can switch to picking up some weights every other day. The habit of walking is easy to adapt to another exercise practice, like strength training.
“Instead of my 2pm walk, it’s now my 2pm bench press time.”
Be like Jennifer and start small. Once the habit is built, you can work to grow it from there.
5#) JENNIFER PLANNED ON WHAT TO DO WHEN SHE FELL DOWN
It brought a smile to my face when I heard Jennifer say “never two in a row.”
It’s a great frame of mind to keep.
Things will come up. You will miss a workout. You will have some beers and eat pizza. You will sleep in and miss your walking groups AM meeting. Your kid will get sick.
When you miss these things consistently, you start creating bad habits. And what you do most of the time is how you create a healthy life.
Missing one workout is okay. Missing two is bad because then it’s really easy to miss three.
Eating pizza is fine. But “once and a while” can quickly become an “everyday” thing. Continue this for too long and then you’re just living off pizza!
“Never two in a row” provides a framework for making sure bad habits don’t develop:
“If I miss today’s workout, there is no way I’m missing tomorrow’s.”
“If I eat pizza tonight, it’s eggs and a little bit of fruit in the morning.”
Create a mindset of stopping these things before they get out of hand. Be like Jennifer and create a plan on what to do when you inevitable stray from the path.
6#) JENNIFER IS HAVING FUN ALONG THE WAY
Jennifer considers herself a work in progress. When you think about it, we’re all works in progress!  She knows this. But she is having fun now, which makes the days ahead seem sustainable.
We are not on a month-long journey. We are in this for the rest of our lives. To make sure we stick with it, we need to have fun! And as I say in this video: we stop thinking in terms of “weeks and months,” and instead start thinking in terms of “days and years”
youtube
Jennifer legitimately loves strength training. You can tell she’s looking forward to one day doing pull-ups.
Jennifer likes eating nutritious food and loves how much energy she derives from those meals.
My favorite part: she views where she’s at as an experiment. She highlights this when she talks about her morning routine and yoga. She’s still not sure how to get the AM just right and thinks a little yoga in the morning might help. She’ll try it to see if it works. If it doesn’t, she’ll try something else.
IN SIX MONTHS, CAN YOU TURN YOUR LIFE AROUND LIKE JENNIFER?
All of us will hit tough spots in life.
Maybe it’s losing a job. Perhaps it’s a sick family member. Or a child that’s struggling in school.
For Jennifer, it was a nasty divorce. At first, she coped in the ways many of us cope: food and alcohol.
Jennifer decided this couldn’t continue. So she sought help. And in six months time, Jennifer has leveled up her life. She can pursue her passion for photography and not be afraid of the literal mountain ahead. She knows the shot at the top of the climb, is not only worth it, but doable.
Where will you be six months from now?
It’s enough time to build some great healthy habits as Jennifer did. However, it’s also a short enough time which can fly by if you’re not looking.
If you’re standing in the same place you were six months ago, think about what you can learn from Jennifer:
Don’t rely on willpower, build systems. Take the path of least resistance. Instead of starting with an hour-long workout program at the gym, start with exercises you can do at home.
Ask for help. You are not the first person who has tried to get fit. It’s okay to reach out to those who’ve had success, or those who have helped others. You don’t have to do this alone.
Have a goal. A “Big Why” can be critical when things get tough. When everyone is ordering pizza, or the gym seems so far away, having a goal can help you remember why you are putting in all the work.
Start small. Don’t try and change every aspect of your life tomorrow. Some can handle this approach, but most can’t. Adopt one habit you can see yourself sticking with and grow it from there.
Plan for failure. Things will come up. Having a motto like “never two in a row” can help prevent one instance of a slip up into turning into a reoccurring habit.
Have fun. Getting fit is not a 30-day experiment. It really is about a lifestyle. Pick and choose things you have fun doing. This will help ensure your new habits are sustainable.
If you relate to Jennifer and find yourself in a tough spot, we can help you turn it around.
Depending on your current situation, our 1-on-1 NF Coaching Program might be just what you need. We help people everyday complete life overhauls.
If you’re trying to get in shape, searching for a new way of eating, or want help developing a strength training practice, we know exactly how to get you there. You can learn more by clicking on the big box below and scheduling a free call with our team!
The next six months will come and go no matter what you do today.
I’d love it if half a year from now, you tell me Jennifer’s story was something you related to. Which inspired you to make some changes.
You started walking every day. You began a food journal. You finally decided to ask for help.
As always, if you do need somewhere to go for help, you know Nerd Fitness will be here.
For the Rebellion!
-Steve
PS: I want to give a special shout out to Jennifer’s Coach Evan, who has been the Dumbledore to her Hermione over these past 6 months. And I’m proud of Jennifer’s success and can’t wait to see what she does next.
If you are somebody that wants to have your own Yoda guiding you in the ways of the Force, check out or 1-on-1 coaching program, and I could be sharing YOUR story six months from now!
PPS: Speaking of success stories…If you’ve had success with any aspect of Nerd Fitness, whether it’s our free workouts, Academy, or Coaching, email us! Send your story to contact(at)NerdFitness(dot)com and let us know so we can share your adventure with the galaxy!
PPPS: We are very grateful to Guinevere’s Mirror, who provided some epic shots of Jennifer for this article.
How Jennifer the Photographer Discovered a Love of Strength Training, Lost 20 Pounds, and Leveled up Her Life. published first on https://www.nerdfitness.com
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scroll past laddies, this is my semiannual sad time hours
this is purely a vent thing so scroll past it, but ive been reflecting a lot on the past and i just wanna word vomit but i feel like i can never get all the words out properly. and ive always been better at writing, so
i havent felt any purpose in four years because i sincerely thought i wouldve killed myself before i was 15. i didnt expect to ever graduate high school and i never thought id go to college. i have two years to figure out what i want to do with my life and im scared ill never figure out how to be happy
im still trying to get comfortable in a body i hate. sometimes i think im better but i see my face and hyperfocus on the acne, and i see how gross the fat on my legs and arms are, and how weird my hips are, how long and gangly some parts are while the rest feel too filled out. every time i try to eat better i worry im going to slip back into anorexia and just stop until i feel like i can control something again
im scared ill never have a good relationship with my family. i love my brothers so much but i worry that theyre gonna view me as a failure. i love my dad so much but he has such high hopes for me and i know im just not going to come close to them. im still so scared of my mom. i hate myself for it, because i see my brothers and how they got over it, but im still scared of her. 
when i was 11, her boyfriend moved in with us. i had never met him and only learned his name when he moved in. we didnt know him beforehand. we hadnt heard of him. we didnt know our mom was dating. he never did anything to me, but i was scared. there was a new older man i had never met, and he was there all the time. i didnt know him. i was 11, my boobs were actually starting to look like boobs, i got my period, and i was understanding more about sexuality. i was so scared and uncomfortable around him. i was worried i would draw attention to myself, and i started wearing baggy clothes that would hide every aspect of my body and i never took my bras off, just in case. then i put on 20 pounds because, you know, tweens fucking put on weight to grow, and i thought i was gross and awful and worthless. i stopped eating breakfast and lunch and i started eating sparse dinners. i lost the weight but i hated everything more; i was never heavyset or overweight, but i was focused on the hips and arms and the fucking legs and the slight stomach and my acne and its the same bullshit thats always bothering me up until now, 7 years later. now i HAD to wear baggy clothes, because it would hide how gross it was. even now, i get scared whenever i wear tank tops/skinny jeans/leggings/shorts/crop tops/just a bra. im scared anyone around me is going to notice how fucking ugly my body is, and how gross i look.
i get so anxious about talking to new people. i think im the most worthless person anyone will ever meet. i think im too nice, and i let people walk all over me. or im just like my mother, and im too selfish to ever be good for anyone.
i didnt think id survive to reach 15. im scared i wont make it to 30. on the bad days, im scared i wont make it to 20. 
i havent cut myself in 3 months. i havent told anyone that. everyone still thinks ive been good for about a half a year (i think ? or even longer. i lost track of who i told and when). i guess the good thing is, the people who care are too far to notice, and the people close enough to notice dont care enough too. i think im grateful for that. i also think its probably just making everything about how i feel worse. 
its not like im just now thinking about all of this so dont go thinking im more depressed than usual. the past stuff is stuff i havent properly talked about ever, and i think i need to start if i want to move past it. the other stuff is always on my mind, and compiling it here nice and tidy makes it easier to breathe
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flightfreak19-blog · 6 years
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A Question.
I have been struggling with my anger for years. I am now 26 and it has gotten so bad I cannot talk to anyone without getting so angry and ripping them apart repeatedly in my mind. I wasnt always so angry, it started in Middle School, I wasn’t as busy nor did I have as many friends anymore. I no longer did meaningful things, I wasnt permitted to hang out with my friends or go places after school. I was limited to within view from the back porch of our row-home. 
I get why my parents did it, they loved me and didnt want me to be corrupted. But by shielding me from experiences and problems another one grew. Resentment, Rebellion, Anger, Loneliness, Depression, just a myriad of things that piled up. I didnt go to parties, I didnt hang out or create bonds, I didnt make connections or get into trouble. I was a loner, people knew me, but they didnt want to be around me. Always picked last for activities or sports despite being athletic and intelligent. In high school I was only sought out the cheat off of. After high school, I no longer had social interaction, community college was a waste of time and money, the people there either middle aged or just looking for sex. 
Im not boring you with all this nonsense for no reason I promise, I dont even expect anyone to read this. If you do I apologize for wasting your time. Now 3 years into college money at home was very tight my father couldn't find work for over a year, and I wasnt paying for anything I was using, I felt guilty. So I dropped out, and let me tell you, once you do, you never want to return. So Id suggest doing it right after high school. anyway I started working a dangerous job and making some money, then we moved states. 
That was when this main problem started, frustrated, working a dead end mechanic job, barely paying my bills, helping my parents, no extra money...I had absolutely no blow off valve, masturbation didnt work, its hard for me to get to ejaculate...and if i dont, I get very angry. It started effecting my professional life, snapping and threatening my coworkers until it was taken to management. I was given a final written notice that went in my file. So at the time I was at my breaking point, fighting with family, fighting at work. I had a girl from back home contacted me, said she missed me and wanted to be with me. 
I brought her down she stayed for a week. It was amazing, we were so sexually compatible it was insane. I could release all my rage through sex, all my raw anger, my hatred, manifested itself through intense pleasure for us both. But through that it became more, the feelings blossomed, sure it may have been the illusion of love through lust, but it felt pretty real at the time. She wanted to stay but didnt want to move here and I didnt want to go back, having burned all my bridges and cut ties with family. For that week I was ok, but she left after that week and I was back to work everyday, eat, sleep. 
I had withdraw bad. It was so bad I became ill, caught the flu, ended up 20 lbs lighter from it, but severely weakened. So she came again a year later, same thing, but she pleaded and cried when I said i wouldnt go back...another year passes and I got a new job, much better paying, almost double being a mechanic. I went and got her and moved her down here. My job required traveling, all the time. So she was here for 1 month. I thought everything was fine, apparently not. evil grew between my girl and my family. I was ready to get an apartment and move in with her. Then I got sick, really sick. So sick I was having hallucinations, vomiting, passing blood. I didnt think I was going to make it. I drove home. 4 hours, seeing the dead, watching nuclear explosions, seeing soldiers run in front of the truck. It is a miracle I made it home. 
I collapsed. 2 days I was out. I woke up dry heaving, couldnt eat or drink. figured Id rest and it would go away. a week passed, I got worse,another week passed and I hadnt eaten in a month, I was barely drinking any water. my body was eating itself to stay alive, I lost all my muscles, I was weak and frail. I finally went to the ER. 
They said they didnt know what was wrong, took blood, then said my bill was $800.
I left furious, dizzy and reeling. 2 days later I could barely move, so I went back, They no said I had mononucleosis, the kissing disease. said I need to rest and drink fluids. I demanded to know how I was to drink when I just vomit it back up. They didnt care, just want me to pay $2,000 and leave. I went home and slept. 2 days later, I wake up and something is very wrong, my vision is off, I cant balance myself anymore, Im gasping for breath, my sides are killing me, pain I never thought possible is attacking me. Im in and out of consciousness, I make it to the ER, the nurse rushes me back to the doctor, he looks panicked. Everything is very slow to me, I feel tired, sleepy, I see darkness at the edges of my vision..
I am in a room on a bed/chair, I am having an I/V administered, my father is there, his face is white, I wonder if Im going to die, the nurse returns, her hands are shaking, she plunges it into my arm, it hurts, its a large needle, I watch at the fluid is released to come into me. I see 5 large air bubbles come down and enter my body.
Fear. Extreme fear I have never felt grips me, I look at her and say “you have just killed me” I look at my father to say goodbye. Im gone. 
I am in a kaleidoscope, fans spinning, cows grazing. Imagine a  kaleidoscope spinning endlessly, clowns, kids, school, cars, helicopters, sex, death, explosions, bullies from the past. its gone. Im in space, I see the milky way, I see planets, the sun, stars, comets...I am back at the  kaleidoscope, I see my family and everyone I ever cared about. they are leaving...
I am slapped hard in the face, the nurse is screaming my name, I open my eyes, my legs are in the air, I have death grips on the bed railings. I cant feel my body, I cant feel anything, Im breathing so fast, the nurse is rubbing my head cooing me. My hands slowly regain feeling, my legs start to lower then stop, they are cramped and i cant move them. my arms and hands are cramped into position...
Some time later I am in a bed in the dark. Pain so impossible is coursing through me. I cant move, I cant speak. My whole body is failing, I am told by the RN I have Mononucleosis, and hepatitis. My kidneys, liver, pancreas, and gall bladder have all shut down. I am told if I had waited even a few more hours before coming in Id be dead. To this I laugh and say “you stupid motherfuckers sent me home twice.” The RN looks around nervously and says ‘I dont know anything about that, but id appreciate you not using that language’  For thefirt time in a month I laugh and say “Im almost dead and you care about cussing?”
After all the nonsense is over I need to piss from the I/V. I shuffle into the bathroom. And look into the mirror. I see a face that isnt me. Its an old mans face, worn, sunken, dark rings in the eyes and cheeks. And my eyes, they are smaller and a dark yellow. I looked like a literal corpse. 
So fast forward, Im in the hospital, they cant find out what is wrong with me, They say its all kinds of different things. I get a CT scan, then a full CAT Scan. Nothing. They do an ultrasound...nothing. after 2 weeks my rage meter breaks. I call for the doctor, he insists they are close to finding the problem. I ask him what my current bill is. $30,000. wow. Im done, I get my shit and walk out. They ask for a payment, I laugh and leave.
Sorry to get off track. But during this time my family got to my girl and she leaves. Im alone again. I found out I got sick because of either her, or drinking dirty water...I stay with my job a while longer until I am fred, now I am back as a mechanic.
So in conclusion, my anger is worse then ever but I dont talk to anyone about it, I dont hurt anyone. I just have no relief from it. I hate everything and myself...Any advice?
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tenpercentsugar · 7 years
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1-100
1. What is you middle name?jeezus, its a strong middle name to match my strong first name
2. How old are you?20 but im bout to be twenty fun in a month and two days mf
3. When is your birthday?september 8th!!!
4. What is your zodiac sign?virgang 🤙
5. What is your favorite color?pink af
6. What’s your lucky number?i don’t have a “lucky” number but i fuck w the number 6 pretty heavy
7. Do you have any pets?a rat lookin dog named sophie who hates me
8. Where are you from?good ol indiana
9. How tall are you?5'5", 5'4" somewhere in there
10. What shoe size are you?8.5 in women’s if anyone wants to buy me nice expensive shoes
11. How many pairs of shoes do you own?prolly like 7 hahaha
12. What was your last dream about?better question, when was the last time i had a dream? 
13. What talents do you have?i can wiggle my nose like the witch in bewitched, i can smoke a pack and a half in a day, i can drum on my steering wheel pretty good
14. Are you psychic in any way?i dont think so some situations are j painfully predictable
15. Favorite song?perth x bon iver, easy
16. Favorite movie?tarzan bitch i havent watched it in a long time tho
17. Who would be your ideal partner?anyone that doesn’t get angry w me when i’m too anxious 
18. Do you want children?YES so fucking bad
19. Do you want a church wedding?nope that would make no sense
20. Are you religious?no i really tried to be, like i went to many different churches and youth groups and those camp things but it always j felt like i was trying to integrate myself into a fantasy like i think i was j trying too hard to feel something that i don’t think i can
21. Have you ever been to the hospital?4 times in the psychiatric ward, once in the er, once for surgery
22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law?yeah fuck that im never doing that shit again
23. Have you ever met any celebrities?just a lot of bands hahaha
24. Baths or showers?showers because baths are boring and gross and you usually gotta shower along w a bath if youre tryna get clean so thas a waste of water
25. What color socks are you wearing?im barefoot rn its summertime g
26. Have you ever been famous?nope and i am grateful for that bc i can still say whatever i want on the internet and no sjws come at me all nutty
27. Would you like to be a big celebrity?no way i love privacy and freedom
28. What type of music do you like?i like a lot of different shit including rap and country but lately ive only really been vibing to bryson tiller and frank ocean
29. Have you ever been skinny dipping?nope that would be a big mistake
30. How many pillows do you sleep with?two!
31. What position do you usually sleep in?on my stomach, one leg bent upwards, both arms under the pillows
32. How big is your house?its small af it has no basement but its cozy
33. What do you typically have for breakfast?four camel crush menthols and whatever drink is on my side table
34. Have you ever fired a gun?not an actual gun but a bb gun for sure
35. Have you ever tried archery?yeah once on a field trip in like….4th grade
36. Favorite clean word?i dont think i have one anymore
37. Favorite swear word?shit
38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?very close to 48 hours and it fucking sucked
39. Do you have any scars?tons but the ones on my hands are fading so shouts out to that
40. Have you ever had a secret admirer?if i did it really was a secret cuz i didnt know
41. Are you a good liar?im really good at hiding things but dont ask me abt them bc then i’ll have to tell you
42. Are you a good judge of character?my track record says no
43. Can you do any other accents other than your own?i do accents all the fucking time its damn near annoying
44. Do you have a strong accent?uhhh probably to people not from this area hahaha
45. What is your favorite accent?spanish or indian
46. What is your personality type?enfj which is crazy cuz when i took the myers briggs in high school i was an istj
47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing?my gold superstars
48. Can you curl your tongue?yep i got them good genes
49. Are you an innie or an outie?innie bye
50. Left or right handed?right handed boi
51. Are you scared of spiders?i dont want them to touch me under any circumstances but i dont go out of my way to hurt them
52. Favorite food?mac and cheese but only when its made in specific ways alright creamy mac and cheese is fucked up
53. Favorite foreign food?do tacos count
54. Are you a clean or messy person?messy even when i wanna be clean
55. Most used phrased?right now its probably “damn near”, “deadass”, or “by any means”
56. Most used word?you gotta ask like dani or tori or sum 
57. How long does it take for you to get ready?15 minutes
58. Do you have much of an ego?lowkey kind of. sometimes i really think im the best
59. Do you suck or bite lollipops?suck for a lil, then bite bc suckers take forever to eat and theyre boring
60. Do you talk to yourself?all day everyday no matter where i am
61. Do you sing to yourself?no but i do hum a lot
62. Are you a good singer?no i probably was like semi decent before i started smoking a bunch of shit all the time and lost my lung capacity
63. Biggest Fear?dying. i never understood that fear until i felt it
64. Are you a gossip?yeah i love talking abt what people are doing 
65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen?american beauty
66. Do you like long or short hair?on who? long on me, short on my rat dog sophie
67. Can you name all 50 states of America?yeah b my middle school choir teacher didnt teach us the song for nothin
68. Favorite school subject?english always
69. Extrovert or Introvert?extrovert i need social interaction to function like a human
70. Have you ever been scuba diving?nope and i never will bc i am afraid
71. What makes you nervous?whatever you can think of. thats what makes me nervous
72. Are you scared of the dark?yes if i cant be 100% aware of whats around me im losing my shit
73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?
i used to do it allll the fuckin time like to the point where my friends were getting really upset abt it and then i grew up
74. Are you ticklish?nope thank god
75. Have you ever started a rumor?uh no but one time a gurl i was half friends w was telling ppl i was spreading rumors saying her grandpa died? which is really nutty 
76. Have you ever been in a position of authority?everyday i go to work! 
77. Have you ever drank underage?just last night, in fact. but im barely underage at this point
78. Have you ever done drugs?no? that doesnt sound like something i would do
79. Who was your first real crush?real crush?? uhhhh im not sure ive like experienced that like ive thought i liked a LOT of dudes
80. How many piercings do you have?9, 3 in each ear, both nostrils, and my septum
81. Can you roll your Rs?“no :-(
82. How fast can you type?pretty fast, prolly not as fast as i used to though
83. How fast can you run?hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah
84. What color is your hair?like four different shades of blonde
85. What color is your eyes?blue/grey
86. What are you allergic to?nothing that i’m aware of!!!
87. Do you keep a journal?no and i really fucking wish i did
88. What do your parents do?like as far as work? my dad works at a factory, my mom works at a place that sells pumps
89. Do you like your age?i dont care abt it 
90. What makes you angry?wasting time!!! nothing in this whole world makes me angrier than feeling like im not using my time to its full potential
91. Do you like your own name?hell no
92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they?yes i have but only for girls bc boy names are ugly and im not sharing them bc i dont want anybody finessin
93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child?id be ecstatic w either but i always imagine a girl
94. What are you strengths?im really empathetic, im funny asf to myself, i know some big words
95. What are your weaknesses?im really empathetic, when im not on lithium im hella obsessive and angry
96. How did you get your name?mom found it in a baby book
97. Were your ancestors royalty?no but they all tell me im related to president zachary taylor
98. Do you have any scars?uh yah i already told you
99. Color of your bedspread?rn its j grey
100. Color of your room?pink/purple!!
thank u kind stranger
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