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#Have enough dysphoria or some bullshit like that
sillygeeseys · 10 days
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Hey! Quieter/closeted LGBTQ+ people, I made a post for the loud + out folks, and you guys deserve one too that's just a tad gentler, I feel like y'all don't get enough recognition y'know?
Some encouragement under the cut 💛💛
(Exclusionists/any of that bullshit DNI I will block/delete, this is MY hype post)
Hey, it's ok to stay quiet/closeted. If this is how you feel the safest, I completely understand and support that
It's normal for the closet to be an awful place, no matter how safe it makes you. I hope that one day you can come out, no matter how far that feels, and are met with love
I hope that anyone keeping down a big voice gets to be just as loud as everyone else is one day, you deserve it after all this time
If you feel safe, and happy just the way things are with you, then I'm so proud. I'm so proud that you got to figure out just what you needed.
You're struggles aren't any less important just because you're in the closet. You're dysphoria is just as bad, the things people in your life may say can hurt just as much, and not having anyone to go too is never ideal. You're not crazy, you're not faking anything, it's not any less valid.
You're not in the wrong for being quieter, sometimes the community gets really angry at people for not getting loud, but sometimes you just physically can't do it. You don't need to feel guilty at all for that regardless of what people say.
You don't owe anyone your identity, ever.
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detransraichu · 5 days
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my transmasc nonbinary ex said that they keep getting gendered as female when going out, especially now that they're off testosterone, and that they're not opposed to it per se but it just gets tiring to be called the same thing all the time and they wish people would switch it up every now and then (so they feel more validated as enby)
i remember what it was like when i had nonbinary dysphoria and it was almost like a game. like you want a good ratio of being gendered as male vs female. they were gendered as male for long enough for years that they got actually dysphoric from it, like they got miserable living 100% as male. so now they're in-between. they've had top surgery, they have stubble but always shave it and want to get laser for it (they don't enjoy anything they rly got from hrt afaik, they just "needed something to happen" and top surgery was taking a while to happen at the time). so they're androgynous, but they're hyperfixated on how others view them. it's obviously not what they always think about, but enough to notice and keep track. if they only get gendered as female that month they get uncomfortable. if they only get gendered as male another month they get uncomfortable. it must be so fucking annoying. it was for me, anyway. like never feeling satisfied w how others view you, bc what you want is basically impossible unless you were super dedicated every single day to curating your appearance to pass differently
sometimes i feel like telling them just be yourself, even cis ppl get misgendered, try to feel secure in yourself and all the other bullshit will fade away. strangers only take a quick glance at you and your sex characteristics. and if you have an afab-typical body outside of a flat chest, and you wear stylish clothes, and you're conventionally pretty... and have shaved your stubble... i mean yeah, ppl are gonna think you're afab, and they use the typical sex-based pronouns associated w that. it sucks though. nonbinary ppl, including me from back then, tend to daydream abt a world where ppl would just be able to tell they identified as nonbinary and used they/them or did the "oh miss... i mean sir! sorry" thing every time. they're seeking that rush of "omg i did the nb thing!!" even though they themselves will use she or he for others unless the person is alternative enough & androgynous enough where they cannot believe the person is at peace w their sex. they'll say all day long that nonbinary isn't a look or a behavior but they really go against that aaall the time!!! honestly often the word nonbinary is basically synonym with "androgynous" in how it's used, and other times as a nebulous identity based on the understanding that everyone has an inner womanly or manly feelings inside their head except for special enbies. some nonbinary ppl are androgynous, others genuinely for all intent and purposes are considered gender conforming in society. sometimes i think that's to the detriment of genuinely androgynous folks (nonbinary-identified or not) who face the blunt of anti-gnc hatred
honestly once i embraced being a female human life seemed kinda boring at first bc i didn't get those "omg i reached androgyny!!" rushes anymore. it's like the game was over bc i aligned w my sex as a neutral fact. and all that energy i had focused on gender stuff i now put towards just seeing myself as a human who happened to be female, and would be female no matter what, and no matter what ppl thought it doesn't change the body type i was born in. i'm just like any other female animal. it means absolutely nothing. ppl can think i'm a dude all the time and i just laugh it off bc i know what i am, it's like a funny little secret i have when i get misgendered. but trans ppl don't view it like that... i wonder, what if they desensitized themselves to misgendering and found security in themselves and confidence in their identity? even while still identifying as trans etc? what if they could learn to laugh too cuz they know what they are? i feel like that's what they should work on instead of changing the world around them and feeling bummed out everytime they don't win at gender
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anotherradfemlesbian · 7 months
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Why are y’all condemning same sex attraction? Why are y’all reducing it to a sort of preference or a fetish for x genitals? Do you guys realize how incredibly homophobic this discourse y’all keep parroting is? Like, I’m done with this bullshit. Enough of masculine women claiming to be butch lesbians lusting after males. Same with the army of “femmes” who want “daddies girl-cock inside 🥺”. Enough of females that went from “not being like other girls” to being the most subversive people ever because they’re now trans gay boys who wear makeup and dresses and ohhh you’re so freaking cool lol. No. And on “trans lesbians”. You’re male. You literally can’t call yourself a lesbian. Leave us alone. Move on. Get out of our safe spaces. Please, do what you need to ease your dysphoria, have fun dressing, hope you find those who love and desire you. But, if you have some decency, please, stop calling yourself a lesbian. “Trans lesbian” was used to refer to trans men who felt attracted towards females (yk, same sex attraction but one of them has dysphoria and is trans, same as transmascs). And you took that term from them. You erased our history.
But no! It’s us, the bad cis lesbians and gays. We are so so mean to you! and so transphobic for not going to bed with you, my gosh! because our bodies don’t fucking work with someone of the opposite sex!!! Don’t go telling me this is due to trauma or I’ll fucking murder you.
Trans people and us were siblings until this batch of angsty teenagers, gorged on postmodern gibberish, arrived. You’re destroying decades of activism and education, you’re insulting us with the q slur. You’re all destroying our safe spaces, our communities, twisting our reality, claiming to be part of a community you don’t belong to. You’re ignorant homophobes. You have sentenced us. Fuck off.
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lostandfem · 2 years
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there’s something i want people to understand as i blog about my detrans experience and thoughts on feminism: i wasnt someone who was wrong about being trans and now i have the wrong idea of the trans community. you have to understand that i was trans. i am trans. i still have dysphoria. i had every making of a trans person. i lived in that community for 5 years. i lived with that ”trans experience” my whole life, and detransitioning now doesnt mean all of that never happened
but transitioning wasnt the answer. maybe transitioning is the answer for some people, but i think its the answer for a lot fewer people than we think.
i was a young girl with an ED. i was a young autistic girl who was inadvertantly emotionally neglected because no one understood what i needed, nor did i know how to connect to other girls. i was gnc. all i knew was ”i am not enough, i want to have a community. but i dont want to be like those girls. im nothing like them”.
i was under the impression that the way women presented were all ways women wanted to present. i thought it was like a natural instinct to them. all the makeup, the dresses, the jewelry. i thought i was the only one who hated it.
i didnt get crushes like the other girls. i didnt want the attention of the boys. i developed breasts and got my period younger than most. i hated every minute of it, i hated having breasts, but i thought other girls were excited about it as a mark of ”womanhood”
what i needed as a young girl was feminism. i needed to know that there was nothing wrong with me. that these are ways to be a woman; that everything i thought womanhood was was artificial and forced on us. i needed a community of women that wasnt built around those artificial constructs. maybe then i wouldntve come to the conclusion, in the lowest point in my life, that maybe i just wasnt a woman. and coming to that conclusion felt freeing. it felt like id found a space to be myself without all the bullshit i thought i ”had” to be. i didnt have to be a woman anymore. but dysphoria eats you. its never satisfied. it wants change after change after change. more surgery, more hormones, lose some weight, gain some muscle. i got tired and burnt out.
with all the trans people i connected to over the years and shared similar stories, i feel like some are in this same boat as me. this is a trans experience. so i think it deserves weight in discussions about trans people
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RTC HEADCANONS GO ‼️‼️
OMG YES THANK YOU. I HAVE A LOT.
I think that Karnak lets everyone come back to life at the end for two reasons. One: let’s be real, putting them through all that just to bring them all back is such a Karnak thing to do. And two: THEY DESERVE IT GODDAMNIT
Noel’s favorite band is The Smiths
Mischa likes giving Ricky stickers to put on his cane or wheelchair
Ocean is aroace, but didn’t know she was aroace for a long time. She just thought she was “too mature” and “too focused on her schoolwork” to have crushes
Penny lets Noel borrow her dresses sometimes
Constance is extremely prone to infodumping (Penny could listen to her for hours though)
Ricky likes to “accidentally” run over Ocean’s toes with his wheelchair when she babies him
Mischa and Noel actually aren’t that bad at math; Mischa has a C and Noel has a B. Ocean just views anything below an A as “bad”.
Penny dressed up as Jane Doe for Halloween, and the rest of the choir found this hilarious
Taylor Swift is Ocean’s favorite singer and Penny’s celebrity crush
Constance has had a crush on everyone in the choir at some point (including Noel, but this was before he came out)
Ricky and Noel once tried to write a Monique/Bachelor Man crossover, but because their stories and writing styles were so different, it failed miserably. Now Ricky just draws pictures of Monique and the Bachelor Man kissing instead.
Ocean likes to wake up early, and Constance does not. So when they have sleepovers, Constance will often wake up and Ocean will have breakfast ready for her.
Ricky and Noel like to go on double dates with Constance and Penny
Noel and Ricky are both genderfluid. Noel is AMAB and Ricky is AFAB, and they’re both prone to dysphoria. If they had a nickel for every joke they made about switching bodies, Noel would have enough money to move to France and take the whole rest of the choir with him.
After the Cyclone thing, Mischa spends more evenings at Ricky’s place than his own
Prior to the Cyclone, Noel is extremely protective of Constance because of the way Ocean treats her
Mischa once overheard Noel talking about RuPaul’s Drag Race during choir. He thought it was an actual racing show and started watching it. It wasn’t what he expected, but it is now his favorite show. (This is technically semi-canon; in the high school edition, Mischa mentioned this.)
Penny and Noel are the definition of gay/lesbian solidarity
Penny and Constance like to go on picnic dates
Ocean and Noel are basically siblings. They actually do love each other and know each other better than anyone, but they live for getting on each other’s nerves, and Noel isn’t afraid to call Ocean out on her bullshit.
Ricky, Noel, Ocean: cat people
Mischa, Constance, Penny: dog people
They’re all autistic, I don’t make the rules
For Noel’s birthday, Ocean made him a bracelet that said his name with red and green beads (because Christmas). In return, Noel made Ocean a bracelet with her name and orange, yellow, white, blue, and teal beads (because beach colors; little did he know that those would become the aroace colors). They trade those bracelets every time they see each other.
Constance once made the mistake of having Mischa watch Up with her. He cried.
Ocean was Constance’s queer awakening in eighth grade. The crush lasted for about four months. ‘Twas a very awkward four months.
Mischa had a crush on a guy before meeting Talia, but didn’t realize it was a crush at the time because it was the mid 2000s and queerness wasn’t really talked about as much as it is today. When Ricky mentioned being bisexual, Mischa came to the conclusion that he was too.
Penny has what might be the greenest eyes that any of her friends have ever seen on a human
Constance is really good at styling hair, so Ocean and Penny always go to her when they want to have their hair look nice for a concert or contest
Ricky’s really good at doing people’s makeup
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stonebutchstories · 1 year
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Spent Smoke
Submissive stone butch service top/ Dominant butch bottom
Mathilda is the OFOS tough guy of the group. Or, that’s what her butch friends assume, anyways. There are some long-needed revelations at the last bonfire party of the season that leads to an unexpected new experience for Matt and the grouchy butch who she just can’t seem to get along with.
cw: characters get into a verbal argument, discussion of gender dysphoria and homophobia/transphobia within the lgbt community, spitting, smoking, D/S, use of petnames (puppy, sir), degradation, humiliation, face slapping, oral sex, non-stone character is partially unclothed, stone character is clothed/only touched on their packer, outdoors.
“Straight people always talk like strapping is a selfless act, and I don’t wanna speak for everybody, but to me, that’s bullshit. I get way into it.”
Ryan is ranting about strapons again. This is pretty regular at this point, if he gets even one drink in him he can’t shut up about it.
“Here he goes.” Maya rolls their eyes.
“I’m like, I mean- I hope we can be real here - I’m like closing my eyes and-“ he presses finger to temple, miming a telepathic gesture, humming like a ufo.
The guys break into percussive little hisses, not quite laughter- the kind you only make at rude jokes. We all came out this weekend to Ryan’s for a bonfire, probably the last one of the season. It’s starting to get chilly and everyone is compensating with layers, except for Ryan, who is drinking the glow into his cheeks and thoroughly making a fool of himself. We’re all entertained, though. But my attention isn’t on him.
Annie shoves his shoulder.
“Man, cmon-“ she doesn’t enjoy the drunken carrying on. She doesn’t really enjoy much of anything, as far as I can tell. She’s the designated hater, an up-and-down contrarian.
“It’s like the fucking drift!” Ryan interjects. “You feel it! If you’re cool and gay enough. I mean, I know I do.”
Scattered nods to that. I can definitely relate.
“It’s not like- God, Ryan, you can’t be comparing sex to Pacific Rim and expecting us to believe you’ve had any.” Annie laughs.
“Fuck you!” Ryan grins. He reaches for his coozy, intent on overdoing it tonight. “What’s it like, then?”
Annie’s jaw snaps closed just a little too suddenly, and she hesitates just a second with the stuttering response. That’s all it really takes- we know what we know, and we know Annie doesn’t.
“You’ve never-?” Maya asks in hushed tones.
“I have!” She’s red. “I have many times.” She says it under her breath, the kinda way where it’s pitiful how obvious the lie is.
“What!!? Annie, I thought you were a dom. You’ve never strapped?” Ryan’s a little too gone for subtlety.
She rolls her eyes. “Domming and strapping aren’t synonyms, dumbass. Don’t you know the difference?”
I chime in for the first time all evening. “I don’t.” I do know, but I’m being purposefully obtuse- I wanna know more.
Annie’s jaw sets on edge a little, tension straining her face. She squints a little when she has to make eye contact with me, like it stings her to do it. “I mean like… I’m the dominant one, but I’m also the one...”
The air goes stale as her thought trails off. The boys are not jeering and laughing- we are intent listeners with eyes fixated on her. Everybody’s heard about Annie being a dom, but we’re eager to satisfy the curiousity about how exactly she does it.
She clears her throat, dispelling the dizzy atmosphere. “Whatever. I’m not giving you guys free tips. Keep being boring and cishet-adjacent and conflating shit.”
“Annie, we all took gender studies. We know.” Ryan tries breaking the tension with some banter. There’s no laughter, though.
“What about old school over here. They said they don’t.” Annie jabs a thumb at me. She doesn’t even deign to look my way or say my name.
Listen, I get it- I’ve always gone for the 50’s type dyke look. I tend toward the archetype, and I’m proud of that. The rest of the guys are up and down modern butches- pin jackets, basement stick and pokes, all sporting the infamous at-home clipper mullet. I do stick out from the rest of my guys- I tend to get handed the check. I know it upsets them, the way that even in a group of butch dykes there is a hierarchy of boyhood- and I know that they have assumptions about me because of that. But I’m happy to dispel them.
“I just wanted to know. But I’m submissive, actually.” I take a long pull of my cigarette, letting that one simmer.
Annie fractures, unable to contain her surprise.
I nod, exhaling in her direction. I shift my posture a little more upright. I’m the tallest in the group- and I know when I cross my arms I look imposing. Maybe it’s because I just told all my beloved and respected butch friends that I’m a sub, but I’m feeling a little nervous. It’s easiest to compensate by looking tough.
Annie’s shock transforms into a scowl. “I don’t believe you.”
“Annie!” Ryan scolds. “You literally JUST said we’re being open minded about this.”
“I don’t believe them, because I know, and we ALL know, they top. I know people they’ve topped. They’re not serious, they’re fucking with me. Because they think it’s funny.” Annie is indignant, copying my posture with acerbic sarcasm. “Because they don’t think I can be dominant, so they’re being fucking condescending and making a joke.”
I ash into my empty can. “You gotta stop assuming everybody’s out to get you, babe.” I lean back, spreading my knees apart. Peering over the bonfire, I can see how livid Annie is. She’s actually meeting my eyes now, and it makes my stomach drop. I think the nonchalant response was a misstep, because that look says I am dead meat.
“You know exactly why we assume people are out to get us, BABE. It’s how we stay alive. You know how it feels. That’s why I’m disappointed in this bullshit coming from you.”
Ryan looks at his shoes. Maya takes an extra big swig from her drink. I’ve incited Annie’s righteous homosexual fury.
“It’s immature to inflict that same shit onto your own community because you think butches have to be some greaser stereotype to be allowed in. I’m sorry you feel like the definition of butch is changing and it makes you mad, but I don’t apologize for pissing you off. Get over yourself.”
My face doesn’t shift. Too late to back down. “Annie, I think that’d be a profound criticism of me if I weren’t dead fucking serious.”
She guffaws. “So, what, you’re topping all these people just for shits and giggles? And you’ve secretly hated it all along?”
I shrug. “Hate is a strong word, but yeah. Essentially, yeah.”
Annie seems surprised. “But you…” She trails off, but then course corrects. “But that still doesn’t explain why you’ve been such a dick to me.”
Now, that throws me. “Excuse me??”
“Yeah, don’t think I didn’t notice. You treat the butches who don’t fit your ‘masculinity quota’ like dirt. You’ve been hanging out with us for years now and I’m the only person here you don’t make an attempt to be kind to, or even SPEAK to. You make it obvious you have a problem with the way I present.”
Now I’m bewildered. “I… have no problem with you.”
“Unbelievable!”
Ryan steps in again. “She’s not wrong, Matt. We all have kind of noticed it.”
“Oh, so you guys have KNOWN she was being this way and said nothing? Thanks a lot, guys. Fuck solidarity, I guess!”
“Seriously, Annie, I have no problem with you whatsoever-“
“You know, this is why I fucking HATE city queers. You act all collectivist and holier than thou and shit but completely abide by your friends treating each oth-“
“Annie, I’m genuinely lost. What is all this about?”
“The fucking staring! You stare me down everywhere you see me. When I wear nail polish and jewelry and skirts and shit, you look at my outfits with this just-“ she gestures. “Face of disgust and contempt. You act like you can’t stand to be near me. When I walk in the room you leave. And when you’re not running from me, you’re staring and judging and-“
“That’s not why I’ve been staring at you.”
She’s silent. Everybody is, actually.
I have been avoiding her, she’s right. Just not because I hate her. I take another pull, making any excuse to look away.
“Didn’t know you thought it was like that. That’s on me, I guess.”
Annie clears her throat. “What?”
I’m still staring squarely opposite her. “I wasn’t trying to upset you. I just didn’t know how to make a move. So I tried to give you space. To be a gentleman about it. Seems like it didn’t work.”
Everybody sits in an uneasy stunned silence. Annies mouth is open in shock. I haven’t been aware of it till now, but evidently this is a major revelation to a group of people who thought I was a masc dom top with a personal vendetta against any butch who didn’t perform perfect androgyny. I guess if that was my view of things, I’d be surprised too.
The awkwardness is broken (or maybe elevated) by Ryan keeling over to puke behind a tree.
“Fucking lightweight.” Maya mutters. She rushes to hold his hair back.
A few minutes pass as we tend to him, trying to get him back upright. I try not to look over at Annie. She’s standing and watching us from right where she was, still reeling.
Maya speaks on both of their accounts. “I’m gonna take him to bed, you two can talk it out.” They shuffle to collect shoes and bags. Ryan staggers to his feet, being assisted back on the trail from the backyard fire pit to his place. Between Maya and his partner inside in bed, I’m sure they’ve got it handled. I sit back down.
We avoid looking any particular way as the scuffling sounds of keyrings fade into the distance. They recede into the general chorus of the late season cicadas, right next to the hammering pulse in my ears.
I clear my throat. “You, um. You good?”
Annie blinks back to focus. “Sorry, yeah. I was just um. Re-evaluating the last four-ish years of my life with completely new eyes.”
I laugh uneasily. “Well, y’know. Now you know.”
She sits. “When did this start?” Her voice is small and unsure.
“Pretty much when I met you.” I decide to roll her a cigarette, I know she smokes and I need to keep my hands busy. I get out my canister and papers.
“Why?”
I shrug. “You’re my type. Passionate, intelligent. Little bit rude, especially to me. Not bad looking, either.”
Annie is a lot shorter than me, and abstains from the baggy cuts and concealing shapewear most transmascs in our group favor. She doesn’t flinch from her body and its femininity or its masculinity, and she’s read more books about both subjects than anybody else in the group combined. She wears bright colors and strange jewelry, and although she’s not what you’d call traditionally dykey, she has a distinct look and a boldness that is simply unmistakable. She’s a butch.
And that’s saying nothing about her face, which is something else entirely. Not masculine, feminine, pretty or ugly. Nothing else works- the only word for her is Annie. You’d have to meet her to know.
She chuckles. “Thought you hated the way I look.”
My nervous smile flattens. There’s a pit in my stomach, because I know I’m about to say something really dumb.
“I used to watch you at the bar, outside smoking. When you were talking to other people, smart people who could keep up with you- you’d smile without thinking about it. And if I was lucky and sitting on the right side, if that other person was funny enough, you’d show your broken tooth.”
She scoffs, embarrassed. She chipped a tooth skating last year and started calling herself a vampire. She’s a good sport about it, but I’ve kinda brought it up in out of nowhere.
“Gee. And I was about to give you credit for being nicer than you seemed.”
“Not like that! Sorry. I just mean that. You don’t let your insecurity get in the way of your joy. Like, ‘fuck anybody who tells me I’m not butch enough!’ That. You’re totally guided by your passions in spite of the world and judgement. I mean, you don’t always bind, that kind of stuff. I wish I could be like that! I dunno, maybe I WAS insecure around you at first, but I never hated you. Maybe I was jealous. Ive never laughed so hard that I forgot my chipped tooth. I’ve never been so happy I forgot to hate my body. And you have that all the time. You’re probably the coolest person I know. Why wouldn’t I f- or, Why wouldn’t I have feelings for you?”
After I embarrass myself with that pointless blathering, I lick the papers and slot them into the canister. I cant hand roll right now, I’m far too shaky.
“You should be. Secure, I mean. You look the part. Tough guy dyke with big biceps and a white tee. People look at you and see butch. You pass. I don’t. I’d be lying if I said that wasn’t part of why I resented YOU.”
I chuckle at her. “I don’t roll out of bed and pass. It’s a lot of work. Uncomfortable work, sometimes. And I’m never sure if the work is me being more true to myself or just overcompensating. I don’t know if I would have changed my diet, or my physique, or any of that shit if I wasnt If I wasn’t terrified of being perceived as a woman. I once threw away slippers because I was afraid someone at home might see them and think I was too feminine for wearing them.”
She laughs. “We’ve all been there, I think.”
I shrug. “That’s being butch, sometimes. It is how it is. Smart people, like you, get over it in time. But for me… the level of hysteric self policing I do for no good reason at all… If I were at all secure, wouldn’t I be allowing myself any margin for femininity?”
She considers. “I guess I just assumed those things didn’t appeal to you.”
I shrug. “Honestly, most of it doesn’t. Like, I’m not dealing with internalized misogyny when I say I would never EVER wear heels or makeup. But some of it does! There’s some stuff I always wanted to try but I’d just be terrified that people would use it as ‘proof’ to say I’m not ‘man’ enough. As if man even means anything. But, still, you know?”
Annie is quiet for a moment before she asks to clarify.
“Like what kind of stuff?”
I fidget. “Like… like submission, I guess.”
Silence again. My ears are hot.
“Have you never…?”
“Not since I was a ‘straight girl’. If you’d even count that. And by the time I came out I was too afraid of being seen as feminine by my partners to risk it. But I always wondered if it was bad just because it was men. Like, maybe I’d like it if it were someone…”
I trail off, incapable of finishing this thought. It’d be too real if I said it out loud.
“Someone-” Annie resets. “ who wasn’t a man?”
I clear my throat. I have to say it.
“Someone like you.”
Annie stares me down. It’s obvious by now, as if it hadn’t been for like three years. Annie isn’t exactly private about her desires, and all of us in our little queer group in town know the rumors of what kind of stuff she gets up to. (Some of my luckier friends have experienced it firsthand.) The truth is, I didn’t just want to be bossed around by some random lesbian in the typical way. If that were the case I would have had many opportunities already. I wanted her.
I am still stone, or, at least I think so. It’s been a reckoning with what I want for a few years now. Some parts of it feel incompatible. Some times I used to wonder if the way I like it is even something that exists. It’s been easier to just be a stone top, and I certainly don’t dislike it, but it’s not the entire truth. Then I met Annie. I had privately fantasized about dom bottoms, especially the pretty twinkish transmasc ones before. But putting a face to that daydream, thinking about giving her everything she wants, doing everything she tells me to… Of course, she hated me right away, and I’d never overstep, so I just admired from a distance. Which apparently only made her hate me more.
She stands from her little fold out chair and approaches me, closing the distance. She props a knee up on my lap, leaning into my space.
“You sure you want someone LIKE me…” she tips my chin up for us to meet eyes. “Or just me?”
Heat shimmers across my face and ears, and I know I’m bright red.
“Annie.” My hand rests at her jawline, trembling.
She takes the lumpy hand rolled cigarette from my hand.
“Light.” It’s not quite a question, not yet a command. But I obey.
She tips her head back as she takes a long drag, holding the breath for a moment too long, and then blows it in my face. My eyes water and eyelids flutter against the smoke. I bite my lip to contain a subtle whimper.
“I can’t believe you’ve been right under my nose.”
I sense a movement in her tone, a tautness and pull. Like she’s lacing up. She takes another pull, drawing me in by the chin to shotgun. Annie leans toward me, foreheads together and lips only barely apart. I try to lean into her mouth, but she stills me and tuts.
“No, no. Just take it.”
Christ alive. She holds me right where I am and lets me take her breath without kissing her lips. I try to slow my open-mouthed panting enough to inhale it. My eyes shut and I pray with everything I’ve got that she’ll let me kiss her tonight, if I behave. I want to behave.
Annie takes a seat in my lap, straining the little camper chair’s one person capacity. She takes turns switching off the cigarette between herself and shotgunning me. I know better than to speak unless spoken to, so the minutes pass by with only the sound of my breathing to fill them. As we hit the end, she leans back over herself to stub it out on the back of her hiking boot, and says something I completely miss. I was too focused on the curve of her neck into her collarbone, licked gently by flame and shadow.
“What?” I mumble.
She laughs. “I said you’re hard.”
I look aside, fists clenched at my sides. I guess at this angle, she can feel what she’s sitting on.
Annie runs her fingers through my hair. “If you want this, I mean like right now, tell me.”
I’m already ready. My body isn’t moving, but my mind is at its knees. I want it right now.
“Yes.” I nod, trembling fingers latching onto her belt loops.
“You sure?”
“Yes.” I’m slightly panting as she traces fingertips up my neck. “Please.”
Annie thumbs over my bottom lip, all confidence. She knows just how bad I want it, and that it’s all up to her when or if I get it.
“Please?” Annie’s holding back, maybe to tease. It’s working.
I don’t know what she’s trying to prompt me to say, but I’d say it a hundred times if she’d let me kiss her. I feel stupid and desperate and out of my body completely. I could give a shit if all my teeth are chipped and everybody knows. Annie’s in my lap.
She can see it on me now, the response she wanted. The feeling of control lids her eyes. She looks me up and down, and gives me what I asked so nicely for.
Annie’s lips are soft and full, and she kisses sweeter than I’d imagined. I know I’m shaking, and I hope she’ll chalk it up to the cold. She doesn’t open her mouth into mine much, just lets me enjoy this moment I’ve been waiting for without thinking about anything that might come next. She trails little incendiary touches up my torso and lets her arms rest at my shoulders, wrapping me in thick wool and flannel. Forgetting my hesitation, I wrap my arms around her too.
We both taste like campfire coals and ash and the river on the fifth of July. Spent smoke. The aftermath of the release of our grand romantic kinetic energy. All this waiting, and that explosive moment. After it all, it’s just me and the butch of my dreams. Annie pulls away first.
“Tell me how. Tell me clearly. I don’t fuck people who don’t know their own boundaries.”
I pause. “Nothing under the boxers. Chest is okay I think. No biting. I’m not into most pain stuff, but like, hair pulling and face slapping is appealing I guess. I like it because it’s degrading, not really because it hurts. And I really like… uh-“
This is almost too embarrassing to admit to someone who knows my full name and address and all my friends. I really hope I stay away from her bad side after today.
“I really like, um. Being called puppy.”
She leans back and her eyes go big. This has surprised her immensely and pleasantly. “Oh, you’re so sweet!” She peppers kisses to my neck, very soft. I think she’s trying to make sure I’m not self conscious about it. “I never get to play with puppies. This is gonna be so fun.”
I stutter. “Do I need like, a safeword or something?”
“Not unless saying ‘stop’ is gonna be a difficult for you in the moment. I never ever do any ‘no means yes’ kind of play though, so if I get the sense you’re uncomfortable I’ll stop. Though I’d really appreciate it if it’s more verbal. I don’t know your body yet, and I can’t always tell.”
“I can tell you. I don’t think I’m- I don’t think I’ll go quiet.”
“No?” She combs back my curls teasingly. “You loud, puppy?”
I’m stunned beyond reaction. She chuckles.
“Wonder if I can make you bark.”
I feel like I need to take a lap from that one. That crazy rollercoaster sinking feeling drops from my throat straight to my cunt. I would like that very much.
“Aww, weren’t you just saying you don’t get shy? That’s alright. Maybe better to save that for later, we don’t wanna wake up Ryan and them.”
I nod, a little lightheaded. “So there’s gonna be a later?”
Annie muses. “Depends. You gonna be a good boy?”
“Yes.”
She draws me in for another long, soft kiss.
“Good. For today, you’re not touching me unless I tell you to. Feel free to beg anyways, though. I like the way you say ‘please’. Got it?”
“Yes.”
She seems content with that. My hands return to my sides. Annie starts to grind her hips into mine. My eyes slam shut and I try to restrain my helpless sounds. Through the wincing and whimpering I can hear Annie’s smile start to darken.
“Y’know I really DID think you were kidding, puppy.” She traces a finger down my collarbone. “Looks can be deceiving.”
She rolls her waist down into me, concentric circles getting smaller and faster each time she grinds.
“Open your mouth?” She asks it like a question, testing the waters. I obey on instinct, and she marvels. “Good puppy!”
Fuck. Fuck. A needy noise escapes my open mouth, and she gently wraps her thumb and first finger around the base of my jaw, keeping me open for her. She makes no move to spit or shove fingers inside, just stares as drool beads at the end of my tongue, ready to drip all over myself. She tilts my head in different directions for better views, reveling in my useless tears and moans.
“Ohhh, I can’t believe you’ve been holding out on me all this time.” She reaches down to the fly of her pants, using her unoccupied hand to touch herself. She gasps lightly, finding a comfortable rhythm.
I whine, open mouthed and jealous. I wanna touch it so bad. Thank god I’m allowed to beg.
“S-sir-“
She grasps my neck slightly.
“No, no, no puppy- you’re gonna call me my NAME.” She snakes a hand through my hair, tugging my head firmly to the side. She whispers into my neck- “People get names. But you aren’t a person right now, are you?”
I pinch my eyes shut and hold back a deep moan.
“Answer me.” She yanks my hair, hard.
“No.” I can’t say any more than that. I’m trying to keep it together.
“No, you’re not. What are you?”
I was hoping to hold out longer, not to get too worked up too fast. I have a little bit of dignity, don’t I?
She slides her hips up and down in a torturously slow pattern, and I can just barely hear how wet she is while her fingers pump in and out.
“Y-your puppy. I’m your puppy, Annie.”
She rewards me with a deep kiss, her tongue slipping all the way in and brushing across the roof of my mouth, making me yelp in surprise. When she wants to, she can kiss rough. I don’t usually get to let the person I’m kissing lead me like this. It’s a thrilling inversion, this thing I’ve been waiting and wishing for. I let her take control however she likes. She pulls away and laughs, all my collected spit stringing the two of us together. She did that on purpose.
“That’s right. Pathetic little puppy. You love to do what I say.”
I swallow. “Yes.”
“And you acted so tough, too! How embarrassing for you to end up like this.”
She unfastens my belt and pants and silently mouths ‘can I?’ to me, an aside in her dominance. I nod, hesitantly. I want her to use me however she likes, but I didn’t expect I’d need to hardpack today. It’s just my everyday soft packer, not really for anything besides alleviating dysphoria, much less penetration. But if she wants it, then by all means it’s hers to use.
“That must have been so hard for you, huh? Acting tough. Acting like you’re not just a worthless desperate toy.”
She strokes the back of her hand over my jeans, giving only the lightest sensation.
“Annie, please. I-“
She stuffs her fingers into my mouth, the ones she just had inside her. I’m not even mad she’s keeping me quiet, she just tastes so good.
“I’m so glad I get to see you like this. Aren’t you?”
I nod, but she does it for me anyways, dragging my head up and down with the fingers in my mouth. I feel so used, and I want more.
“Dumb little butch puppy. My favorite type of whore to use.”
Jesus Christ. My vision is starting to tilt and spin as I whimper. Annie is doing a number on me.
“Do you like that? You like when I degrade you?”
I nod shyly. She kisses my forehead.
“I’m gonna use your cock now, sweetheart, and you’re going to keep still and take it.”
Through the haze of my dizziness, I shake my head. Annie removes my fingers, pausing with concern.
“Y-you can’t.” I sputter.
“No?” She softens, worried she’s overdone it. I hold her spit-slick hand in reassurance.
“I’m not… uh, packing hard.”
“Ohh, I see.” The gears turn in her head. “You CAN’T get hard for me, can you? I’m sorry, I didn’t know. Sweet puppy.” She presses a kiss under my chin.
She breaks for a moment and peppers me with gentle kisses and insisting squeezes to my packer. It’s nice, and it makes my head get even fuzzier. Then she gets mean again.
“You know, I feel sorry for you-“ she reaches under my jeans to the fly of my packing shorts, fingers gently stretching the soft elastic. My back arches as she touches me, even indirectly. I groan. “You want it so bad, but you can’t get hard. Poor thing.”
She brushes over the silicone of my packer with an almost condescending air, patting it like the hood of a car. I swear to god I can feel every fingertip. I can’t get hard for her, no matter what she does or how completely and totally I want to submit to her. Annie knows this, of course. That’s what she’s mocking me for. She’s on the money, though, because this is definitely my sort of my thing.
“Please, Annie, can you use my fingers?”
She glares. “No.”
“I wanna please you, however I’m allowed to. I want-“
She grasps my chin firmly, tugging my jaw open and spitting into my open mouth. She laughs as I accept my humiliation.
“What would you do for it, puppy?”
“What?”
“What would you do for the chance to fuck me?”
I keep fists at my sides, squirming as she traces fingertips along my packer. She’s stroking up the shaft, and I feel a parallel ache under my boxers. Every movement she makes on my packer mirrors itself in my body, phantom sensation. My legs pinch together and I try to get my heaving breaths to slow. I cant focus enough for a specific answer, so I beg.
“I would do anything. Anything you tell me.”
Annie smirks. “Woooow, anything? How obedient. You must really like that, huh babe?”
God, hearing Annie call me babe is too much. I’ve been wanting this forever. It’s more enticing to be ‘babe’ than to be her puppy. Makes me think about what it’d be like to be with her full time.
“Mmmh, I can feel how desperate you are right now. It’s a shame you can’t get hard for me.”
I close my eyes again. It’s kind of a habit when I’m feeling too much too fast. Between our hips, I can feel the pressure of her movements, just barely enough to torment. She rights my shoulders insistently, commanding me not to look away. Annie whispers in a husky tone.
“Bet you’d like it if I was all bent over and submissive. Bet that’s what you’re used to. Tough guy like you, probably seen a hundred pretty bois and girls faking it for you, calling you daddy. Good for your ego, right?”
“Annie-“ I whimper. She’s grinding down hard against me, and I feel it all.
“You always get to be the big power dyke. But that’s not what you WANT, huh, puppy?”
“No.” I don’t feel myself speak, but I hear it. “No, it’s not.” I moan.
“Noooo, it isn’t, is it?” She pats my head condescendingly. “You wanna be someone’s toy. You wanna be an obedient little puppy.”
“F-fuck-“ I stammer.
She slaps me, quick and hot across my jawline. Her face has turned stony. “Language.”
“S-sorry, sir- Um. Annie.” I said sir again. I know not to make that mistake twice, or I’ll be in trouble. It thrills me knowing that I’m probably going to anyway.
Her sternness recedes. “Listen to yourself. Can’t remember the rules.” She traces fingers over my collarbone, making me flinch. “So hard to think straight like this. You feeing dizzy yet, puppy?”
My body stutters under hers, trying fruitlessly to buck my packer into her. My head feels warm and kinda buzzy. It’s hard to think, the way she moves over me and hangs onto the last syllable of every word for just a breath too long. I really am getting dizzy.
“You keep saying ‘sir’. You ever had a Sir before, puppy?”
I shake my head, a little to stupid to speak. Not too stupid to moan.
“Where’d you pick that up then, I wonder? That little habit, how did that creep its way in?”
Annie carries on asking me embarrassing questions. As she continues, she reaches back to her zipper. Annie ruts down on my packer, and I feel her two fingers stroking away from between layers of fabric and silicone. I can feel all the movement as it presses into me- I’ve been extra sensitive to even the slightest touch on T. Since starting I’ve also lost all my endurance. I used to be able to top for hours on end and never even get close to cumming, but now all it takes is a sexy butch in my lap and I’m having to count to ten and breathe slow to hold on.
I feel the pressure and Annie’s own growing need to cum instead of seeing it; I can’t look away from her eyes. When my focus wanes, or I try to look aside, she firmly corrects me. The looking is intense and uninterrupted. It gives me this deepening feeling, like I’m going outside my body. At some point, I lost concentration on her words, but an errant moan punctuates her and snaps me back.
“Ahhh. Do you-“ she reorients her focus from touching herself back on her little submission speech. “Do you think about Sirs a lot? Do you fantasize about being bossed around?”
I don’t answer because I can’t focus on what she’s saying right now. But for the record, the answer is yes.
“Sweet puppy. I can do that for you. You don’t have to do anything. I’ll take good care of you. Would you like that?”
I nod, the movements of my head getting lazy and loopy. Annie kisses my forehead.
“Good boy.”
She guides me to my knees. It feels so right. Damp leaves crunch under the palms of my hands. I look up at Annie, emptyheaded as she pulls her jeans partways down. She’s got a full thicket of dark curly hair that wraps up to her stomach and down to her calves, collecting into cute little curls in front. She has more hair here than on her head. That’s the way I like my dykes.
“Gonna put that mouth of yours to work.”
I grin stupidly, and get to it. Annie props her knee on the seat of the camping chair, tucking me head in tight into her wetness. I don’t wanna think. I just wanna be good and take it.
Annie is dripping down her thighs, coating my chin the moment I make contact. I don’t waste time with the typical tender thigh kisses and teasing, I just dive in. I think she likes the roughness from the way she yanks my hair sharply. My tongue brushes the underside of her clit.
“Fuuuck.” She grunts. “Good boy.”
Her hips open wider, reflexively responding to the touch. I’m definitely not unfamiliar with giving head- I’ve done it more than my fair share of times, but this feels different. Annie is right when she says there’s a difference between topping and dominated. I could be strapping or fingering or fucking her any way in this moment -and I would be lucky to- but it wouldn’t be dominant just because it’s penetrative. Every rock of her hips reminds me who is in charge, and I can’t pretend for a second that I’d prefer if it was me. Her wetness rolls off my tongue, all other thoughts faint and twinkling in the vast emptiness of my awareness.
My tongue drags up her slit tentatively, still warming her up. Annie is very responsive, guiding my mouth with forceful shoves and tugs to my hair. She mutters curses and little encouragements that make my thoughts melt and vanish. I switch between movements every so often, reveling in the sensation of her body in my mouth. Some things make her shake, others make her grunt. Each reaction and bit of praise makes my chest warm and my brain fuzzy. The tip of my tongue grazing her clit makes her moan and arch involuntary.
“G-god, you’re so fucking good at that.” She trembles, a bit too preoccupied to be rough.
I suck lightly, massaging her inner labia with my tongue. She tastes salty, a little sour too. It’s musky and warm in a way that makes me wild. My lower lip strokes her up and down and I switch to gentle flicks over the head of her clit with my tongue. Her hips rock into me.
“Jesus, ahh- Right there.” She whines.
She pulls in my chin, angling me how she likes. I feel used and controlled and thrilled at every unspoken instruction. The way she fills my mouth with smoke and spit and dripping cunt and whatever else she could possibly want to. The way empties my head. I dive my tongue into her and suck her stiff clit.
Annie braces a hand on the back of the chair. “Fuck. Fuck. Keep going, puppy, I’m gonna come.”
I keep sucking right there, faster and harder. Annie thrusts into my face and yanks on my hair so hard it feels like it’s gonna rip out. Each pitch of her hips pushes my shoulders into the seat of the chair. I feel so good being pushed between her body and the ground, it feels like where I’m supposed to be. I just wanna be good.
Annie cums, screaming out and gushing into my open mouth. I can taste her pulse on my tongue.
“Good boy.” She pants. “Good boy.”
Her knees are shaking too hard to keep thrusting, so I grab her by the belt loops and guide her hips to ride it out.
“O-oh my fucking- Damn, babe-“ she throws her head back and laughs, a little delirious. “Damn.”
She holds onto my forearms with grasping, shaking fingers. She’s so wet and pulsating against my tongue, the taste is entrancing.
“Jesus, you’re strong.” She chuckles between overstimulated moans. “Fuck. Good boy.”
I keep going, enjoying the aching throbs and feelings of her body against mine. It’s not hard for me to basically pick her up to rut against my mouth at this angle. She seems to enjoy it a lot, tugging big fistfuls of my hair and laughing in that raspy devious tone. Annie tells me to keep going, and I listen like a good boy. A big part of me just really likes being so close to her. I really hope we get to do this again. When it starts to feel like too much, Annie steps back shakily.
“Aw, you- ah- you liked it that much.” Annie pulls me to look in her eyes with a firm tug on my fringe. “Say thank you.”
My eyes flutter open a little deliriously. I grin like an idiot, cum running down my chin.
“Thank you.”
Annie smiles too, taking a big breath. She wipes some wetness from the corner of my mouth with her thumb. She exhales slow, blinking herself to reality.
“Wow. Sorry, just- that wasn’t what I thought was gonna happen tonight.” She shimmies back all the way into her jeans, not enjoying the sudden realization that her bare ass is out in the woods.
“Me neither.” I shrug, still giddily smiling.
She looks at me in a different way than I’ve ever seen her look at anything. It’s sincere and gentle, not preemptively scathing in the way she has to be most of the time. She sits on the ground beside me and leans into my chest.
“Are you cold?”
I hum. “Little bit. You?”
“Yeah.”
She nods. We lie still together and catch our breaths for a minute.
“So, what now?” I stare into the fire. It’s on its last legs, the last logs burnt down into splintering coals.
“What do you mean? Like right now?”
“Just” I gesture vaguely. “In general.”
Annie thinks for a moment, curled into my chest. “I just wanna make sure you’re ok for a second.” She sits up a bit. “You’re feeing okay about all that, right? It was kind of a lot. It’s okay to feel weird, if-“
I grab her hands, reassuring. “I’m okay. It was a lot, but… yeah. It was really good.” I kiss her palm.
She nods and relaxes back into me. “That was your first time being, uh, submissive?”
“Mhm.” I rest my chin on the top of her head. “Big fan so far.”
She laughs. “You’re pretty good at it for a first timer.”
We both sigh.
“Is it… gonna be a regular occurrence now? Semi-regular?” She asks nervously.
I try to mask my eagerness. Hell yes. Annie has my full attention from now on. I mean, she did before, too. I’ve been pining for longer than I care to say.
“It can be. I would like it to be. Would you..?”
Annie squeezes my hand. “Yeah. I’m just surprised. But not unhappy. Very happy with it, actually.
I think for a moment before I decide to be stupid. It’s not a very long moment, though.
“I know you wanna do this, and I want to too, I’m very excited for that- but I do wanna also say that, um. I really like you, Annie. I have for a long time. And I don’t just wanna have sex, you know? I will, if that’s what you want, but I also wanna like, have a chance with you. If that’s also what you want.”
She thinks. “That’s… a bigger question. Hm.” Annie ribs a thumb over our clasped hands. “How about… you take me out on a date. I cant make promises about anything. I literally only just realized you don’t hate my guts. But um, you’re sweet. I wanna see where this goes. And I don’t wanna ruin that by being stupid and going too fast. So let’s just do one date. For now.”
I nod, fake suave. Im barely restraining my excitement. “Yeah. That works for me.”
She chuckles. “You don’t have to play it cool, dude. My head’s on your chest, I can hear your heartbeat going fuckin nuts. You’re not fooling me.”
I burst out laughing. “I’m trying to be the tough guy here!”
“Yeah, well, I see through your whole thing now. You’re really just a corny romantic.”
She kisses under my chin, and it’s so fucking disarming, I really stand no chance. She has me where she wants me, and wherever she wants me is where I wanna be too.
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altermay · 4 months
Text
Tw/ transphobia, discussions of dysphoria, brief mention of suicide, descriptions of child abuse
Getting unbearable. Feeling sick. Started working to afford hormones only to find out the service that is most accessible to me (plume) doesnt offer T in alabama anymore due to changing laws. Fuck all these stupid politicians putting their noses in others lives.
Thought people at work wouldnt make a super huge deal, as I was selective with who I told, so i thought maybe I could hold out a bit longer and at least i wouldnt have to feel so dysphoric all the time, since all my coworkers knew me as Monte. But then instead of my name, people who would usually call anyone else by their name started calling me “Miss” and “maam”
Even the ones I had come out to, and even the ones who told me they were accepting.
Whatever, im from a small rural area, so transphobia is not new to me, what is new to me, however, is being openly trans in an unfamilliar environment. I thought I could start T quickly and maybe people would ever forget that im trans in the first place, but now its been so long.
Some people call me He, and use the right pronouns, but increasingly lately Ive received a myriad of transphobia.
Being called tranny loudly while my coworker kicks my broom as I try to sweep (kicking hard enough for the broom to almost leave my hands and hit another person behind me) , Getting called “it” behind my back. Stuff like this is becoming more common.
The two coworkers who called me it, have been spreading lies about my work performance these past five days, Ive been told my three different people that every time I leave to go do something they start talking badly of me. So I got to my breaking point, at this point it had nothing to do with the pronouns, I was just upset that two forty+ year old adults were purposefully making my job harder to do while I was also struggling with a ton of other stuff (ptsd, seasonal depression, a family members recent suicide) and so I couldnt stop crying.
Despite this situation having nothing to do with me being trans, they are now trying to spread the narrative that Im just being sensitive because they were misgendering me while they were borderline bullying me.
If I was not trans, people would take me seriously on these issues. But now, because I am upset, suddenly Im just a stereotype. A sensitive trans person who is offended because someone used the wrong pronouns a few times.
I will be one to say, I do not give a SHIT about my pronouns. Ive been called the wrong ones my whole life by a majority of people. That was never the issue. But because Im trans, that is the only issue people can perceive for me to have. The ONE issue I had with them regarding my pronouns was them calling me “it” and thats not because its the wrong pronoun, thats because its DEHUMANIZING.
But now I have other coworkers who know NOTHING about the situation saying shit like “well if she claims shes a man maybe she should suck it up” “well if she wants to be seen as a man maybe she shpuld cut her hair”
Fuck you. How about YOU get beaten for 17 years, YOU watch your siblings get beaten near to death for 17 years. YOU have flashbacks of things you dont understand all day every day and we will see how fucking well youre able to “suck it up” you are WEAK. YOU ARE ALL WEAK. And you dont know what its like to be me. My mother tried to kill me. My mother almost killed my sister, I was neglected, never went to a doctor, and I STILL dont know how to take care of myself. And I still havent recovered all of the memories.
Ive had SHORT HAIR ive had LONG HAIR Ive had a MOHAWK, ive had a BUZZCUT ive been BALD. And people STILL fucking saw me as a woman. Im tired of conforming to this bullshit just so people can treat me the same as they always do
Fun fact though, since Ive had long hair Ive been gendered correctly by strangers MORE than I have with ANY OTHER HAIR STYLE.
These stupid fucking transphobes and their stupid fucking stereotypes im so fucking sick of it all. And corporate wont do anything about it, Im sure of this.
Why is it so hard for me to just live my fucking life.
Im so sick of it all
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lovelyrotter · 3 months
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I read your thing about stridercest. I didn’t super like the ship (I’m more of a lalondecest girlie) but I respect the hell out of the textual analysis you did. Anyway do you have any good fic recommendations? I want to see what you see in it.
oh fuck yeah i love sharing ship stuff especially with ppl who dont usually go here and vice versa for me. its like hell yeah im digging in sand and its fun i love my sand and then i turn around and woah i had no idea there was even MORE sand just behind me ya dig? that might not have made any sense hahaha. its the joy of trading pokemon cards except with ships
but okay heres some of my current faves. bear in mind i read mostly M and E rated stuff but ive got a sprinklin of lower ratings in here too. im also gonna categorize this list by stridercest flavour. theres a lot so this turned out like ridiculously long
anyone else goin through this feel free to link yalls faves in the replies too cause im ravenous. especially if its haldirk. im constantly craving haldirk
guardiancest
doku line terminus & two steps away from the county line by lildogie these first cause theyre my ultra faves rn and i cant get enough of this au. set in the same universe but county line is the prequel. a/b/o verse with lotsa interesting political stuff and also interpersonal dynamics. dave & dirk are there too and are real cute. its also got mysterious time travelling. i really cant sell these two enough like i am not doin these justice
davedirk / dirkdave
if i woke up next to you by bumbly | G, ~2,700 words, complete. SUPER sweet relationship study, made me fuckin melt. this author has really good stuff for other ships too but mind the archive warnings
dont joke about hentai face broctopus transplants im eating cheese n onion pringles here by smrtnik | M, ~1k words, complete. this one made me fuckin melt its so tender. it truly feels like were peeking into their life together. also great title
Stasis State by Caeslin | T, ~3k words, complete. another really intimate feeling one. its so fuckin sweet. mind the tags for typical dirk suicide attempt but its not on screen its moreso the recovery and how dave is affected by it
“stupid fucking bullshit” ad nauseam by anon | T, 13.7k words, complete. REALLY GOOD AU. trans striders, fade to black sex scene. the boys are cute and you can feel how much theyre drawn to each other immediately. wish there was more of this
sometimes the bad guy wins by nutrimercenary | E, ~7.5k words, ongoing. wow. oh wow. ive been looking for a davedirk fic like this for a long time. PLEASE read the warnings and tags but its so fuckin good. a crossdimentional narrative tug-o-war between dave and ult dirk i fuckin love it
got it goin on by bumbly | E, 7.5k words, complete. dirk indulges daves mommy kink after prying it outta him. its cute and funny and sexy it made me smile. their dynamic is sooo sweet
helping hands by ghostlyAnarchist | E, 5.1k words, complete. THIS IS SO GOOD. its got trans man dave and is genuinely one of the hottest transmasc fics ive read so far and boy howdy ive read a lot. slight warning for dysphoria discussion but its not too bad its all just hot af a dick-sucking venn diagram by Elendraug | E, 10k words, complete. first off domestic af. very established relationship and you can tell. its so fuckin sweet. i looove this one. its like the best kind of silly realistic smut its one of my faves of all time
STILL WITH ME by egbert | E, 8k words, complete. dave and dirk strife and then fuck in the bathroom. holy shit this is hot. their want is like tangible in this one
brodave and a!brodirk
hardware by orphan_account | E, ~8k words, complete. dave gets some dick piercings and bro goes insane about them. hot as hell and also features bottom bro which is my fave. its got a couple uses of the r-slur but its also from 2011 so i take it w/ a grain of salt. 2011 and earlier fics are like internet artifacts (/pos)
but you better never pull it by hapaxlegomena | E, 5k words, complete. wow. WOW. sub top bro and dom bottom dave need i say more. this sub bro activates my cute aggression the power play is great mars & murrie's by orphan_account | E, 6.8k words, complete. a!brodirk, omorashi. super hot!!!! alpha dave is sooo embarrassed about his piss kink but dirk wins in the end hahaha. really intriguing which i know sounds funny on an omo fic but read it and youll know. i love this alpha dave
temporal sunset by Plajus | M, 19.5k over 5 chapters, complete. a!brodirk. holy shit what a ride. this one held me hostage and now lives in my brain rent free (bdum tiss sorry). dirk is terminally ill so i know it wont be for everyone but give it a try and goddamn you wont be disappointed. trust me
a swinging pendulum by ghostlyAnarchist | T, ~900 words, complete. a!brodirk time/dream bubble encounter. wow just wow. the want. the yearning immaterial by LPSunnyBunny | E, 1k words, complete. a!brodirk, trans dirk. holy shit!!!!!! holy shit!!!!! hot hot hot!!!!!!! shower sex sensation control!!!!
haldirk
singular by 2x2verse | E, 6.8k words, complete. hal has an existential crisis dirk catches him and then they fuck tenderly about it. genuinely so romantic. im addicted to this kind of haldirk. honestly i just recommend the entire series diagnostics by 2x2verse | E, 2.9k words, complete. i know i just linked this authors whole collection of haldirk fics but holy crap this one in particular. dom/sub electrostim with sensory deprivation, hal is the dom. i LOVE how hes written here. very attentive domming, great details
A Fatal Error Has Occurred by Mortior | E, 42k words, 4/5 chapters. oh mortior my haldirk regent. really fuckin good character writing in an au where hal has an android body before the alpha session is started. read the tags for warnings. the tension between them is insane endangered by Mortior | E, 100k+ words, complete multichapter. holy fuck where to begin with this one. this is a haldirk sensation. post apocalyptic au where androids won the human-robot war. dirk runs into AR. AR takes an interest in him. dirk takes even more of an interest in AR. if youre gonna read any haldirk read this one
"im basically fucking him" series by Elendraug | T & E, all complete. so!!!!! fucking!!!!! tender!!!!! really cute haldirk progressing through their relationship
ridiculously late by cinnamonfreak | E, 21k, completed multichapter. a/b/o au where dirk suddenly presents. REALLY intriguing hal in this one i fuckin love the power play
roboporn by smrtnik | E, 3.9k words, complete. really fun power play in this one. hal is waterproofed externally but not internally. he gives dirk a handie over his open chassis torso. theres also really sweet snuggling afterwards
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windwardstar · 3 months
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"T will change a lot of things but you can't change your bones" don't mean shit.
Like. Starting t at nearly thirty I had resigned myself to the fact my body shape would always be a source of dysphoria bc I wouldn't be able to change the underlying structure (skeleton, bones) and you can't change bones.
I had hips wider than my shoulders bc both sides of my family apparently got their genetics from cartoon moms. My waist to hip ratio was something thought only achievable with corsets and a bustle. My shoulders (and arms) were usually the deciding factor in going up a shirt size (and now really are post top) but still were not as broad or the right shape and there was no way they were ever going to even sit equal with my hips. And so I just had to resign myself to the fact those things wouldn't change because you can't change your bones and dysphoria would reign forever.
Because the muscle and fat redistribution would do some work but it wouldn't undo the effects of e based puberty and bone growth. Because you can't change your bones.
Bullshit. Bull fucking shit.
You know what bones are connected by? Muscle and cartilage and tendons and all kinds of movable mutable things. Fat redistribution is a game changer. Even if you're going "but there's no fat on my hips it's just the bone which I will be cursed with forever to always have dysphoria hips" things will change.
It's not even been two years on T and like. The immutable castings of biology have bowed to the steady application store bought puberty. My hips have gone down and my shoulders have widened. They're actually even with each other. And in the right clothes my shoulders actually look broader.
Because yeah there's been a little slimming of my hips themselves but the bones don't change (it don't mean shit) but you know what has? The fat on the thigh that was the actual cause of the shape. We're talking shaped like a chicken drum stick. Wider a couple inches lower than the hip joint than at the actual joint (which was always just bone, which you can't change) but that's changing.
My shoulders have broadened just a bit. Gotten rid of that smooth curving line where snow would slide right off in an avalanche and they could never be wide enough to balance out the hips. They've squared up. Saw the challenge and went yeah I can't take it. And did.
The waist (the ribs that go in and the hips that go out, bones you can't change) has made the hour glass curves fade. The muscle and the fat has filled it in and smoothed out the curves into something that isn't.
You can't change your bones they say. You can't change your skeleton. You can't change the underlying structure (so don't start t after puberty because it won't work anyway) bull shit. Bull fucking shit.
Your bones are held together by soft tissue that absolutely does change. That can pull things into different alignments. (T has made my shit less elastic less stretchy, meaning my heds joint stay in place more but also my shoulders have the structural integrity now to be broad and square and get that not rounded bit at the joint. It's also shut down the cycle of hormones that made the extra hormones that allows your joints to become looser in order to let your joints shift your bones around. Bc the bones are held together by soft tissue that absolutely can change.)
And they're really really really overstating and over emphasizing how much of your body shape is actually made up of your skeleton.
You can't change your bones but it don't mean shit. You can change how they attach to each other. How the muscle grows around them. How the layers of fat sit on top of them.
The redistribution changes take a while on T. It's a slow process. But it's not even two full years and my hips are even with my shoulders when I was told that was never going to be possible (bc you can't change your bones) and like... the little table that comes with the informed consent paperwork says these changes are meant to see the biggest differences in the 2-5 year mark. I've supposedly got three more years where my silhouette is gonna keep changing (and even then it'll keep doing it because people's bodies are always changing at every age).
So yeah "you can't change your bones" they say repeating a fact (your femur ain't growing longer, your pelvic bone ain't shrinking) to mean "your skeleton won't change and you'll be stuck with a scaffolding that will always be that of the wrong" and that is fucking bullshit. Things will change if you give them time bc t really is fucking magic.
Also invest in stretchy pants and jackets with give in the shoulders if you find you need new clothes. I've had to buy new fitted pants like three times bc my butt and hips keep shrinking, replaced half the shirts in my wardrobe bc my shoulders got broader and arms muscle, gone up a shoe size bc there's a ton of soft tissue in there that got bulkier, and my tux has completely ship of theseus'ed itself because of all the changes.
Because "you can't change your bones" is a bullshit sentiment.
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hretoprvdthepltnx · 7 months
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would you please write a fic where a young Eddie Munson realizes he's trans ftm? I headcanon him as trans, and a good chunk of the trans Eddie fanfic is smut unfortunately
Boys Will Be Boys
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FtM!Eddie Munson
Summary: a short drabble featuring Eddie Munson's experience as a trans guy
Content: brief mentions of gender dysphoria, Uncle Wayne once again being an A++ parent, Eddie Munson is trans, brief discussion of sex related topics and masturbation,
Rating: 16+ for some sexual conversational themes || 3.1k+ w.
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Eddie was lucky. He had moved in with Uncle Wayne at a young age, in a place where no one knew him, with a strong support system that allowed him to be exactly who he was. Eddie Munson was and had always been a boy. So what if he didn't have a dick? Uncle Wayne didn't care, he had told Eddie on multiple occasions that getting worked up over the genitals people did or didn't have was weird. Especially if they were kids, like his nephew.
He told him it didn't matter if his body was different, because all bodies are different, and that was okay. Eddie moved to Hawkins as a boy and being there, that is all that he has ever been. Only he and Uncle Wayne knew what was different and his uncle warned him that it was important to keep it that way. "Not everyone is as understanding," Wayne had told him, "People are cruel, Eddie. You know that." And he did.
When he was still really young, Eddie didn't have to worry about much. His body matched the bodies of all the other boys, for the most part, and so he'd always felt safe and like he belonged. It was when puberty started that things got a bit more difficult. Uncle Wayne had been able to find him puberty blockers to help him out with a few problems early on and then had found a way to start him on testosterone later once Eddie started mentioning wanting to try to grow facial hair and deepen his voice like the other boys his age.
By tenth grade, the only way anyone would have been able to tell that Eddie was trans would have been to take him to bed, and it's not like there were many people lining up to have sex with the resident freak. Eddie didn't always mind that though, it kept things simple. No sex meant no one found out about his secret and so it was easier to keep it that way. It was safer.
However, it made being a teenager more difficult sometimes than it might have been if he didn't have to hide or if he had been born with a penis. It was hard to relate to some of his friends sometimes, the other boys, because his experiences weren't always the same. They would talk about things like masturbation or unfortunately timed boners, and he would have to pretend to know what they meant or find a way to avoid the conversation all together.
After a while, Eddie felt that he had gotten pretty good at bullshitting his friends when the time was right, but he was still cautious of slip ups. He was paranoid he would say something that would give him away, it was like being an undercover agent, although arguably more stressful and less cool. There were times that he wished he could be honest with his friends and open up to them about his own experiences as a teenager rather than attempting to mimick theirs.
It wouldn't be until his third attempt at a senior year - when Eddie met and became friends with Steve, Robin, and Nancy - that he would be comfortable enough in himself and those around him to be able to do just that. Having queer friends really helped him come to terms with the validity of his identity and eventually he would feel comfortable enough with himself to tell the other members of his party and band who he really was.
Spoiler alert - they didn't care.
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story by hretoprvdthepltnx©
Eddie Munson copyrighted by the Duffer Brothers©
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eyedove · 6 months
Text
alright whats up fuckers get timelined.
you want your deep taagnus fankid lore, this might be the only spot ya get it for a while. also included: a little on lup's first kid, a LOT on taako having a bad time in general, some relationship details btwn taako and magnus past and present, casey character development to follow it up, and then a little bit on the twins. the, like, little twins, i mean. the ones that taako and magnus have.
warnings for taako’s general, like, everything: identity crisis, his issues socializing, loneliness, depression, gender dysphoria (weirdly enough, not pregnancy related), his experience with chronic pain, and later being diagnosed with a connective tissue disorder, which in itself is not a trigger warning but moreso his dealing with it is not particularly healthy and could be sort of self-harm-y in a way. and for magnus: his RSD is mentioned, his self-worth issues are alluded to, mentions of past self harm, he gets very emotional about family planning in regards to past relationships, his death is eventually mentioned but isn’t part of the timeline nor is it gone in depth on.
in general they’re also just… taako and magnus. they’re kind of shitty guys and kind of immature and kind of fucked up. they’re good to their kids, they’re just still, y’know. taako and magnus.
i can not stress enough, pregnancy and issues relating to this. difficulties conceiving and postpartum depression are IN. HERE. everything turns out and everyone involved is perfectly fine, it just takes some time to get there and it’s a rough road, but they ultimately end up doing it twice and they’re both pretty firmly in the camp of it being worth it.
anything else that needs to be mentioned please let me know holy shit and i’ll exercise my best judgment, cus i know some of it might be wild to read, but i want to get triggers down for the most part. stuff that’s not triggering, like… oops, sorry, but. it’s taagnus mpreg what do you WANT FROM ME. if i listed everything that people might not like it would just be another 6k words.
basics:
lup’s first kid, missy, is about 5 years older than casey, who was carried by taako, and is about 3½ years older than elodie, who’s a few minutes older than rian, both of which were carried by magnus.
tl;dr coming soon. and by tl;dr i mean a shorter version that’s been picked through and had all of the bullshit unnecessary garbage taken out. :)
timeline:
- after story & song magnus and taako do not talk for like a year. it’s rough. they correspond a little, magnus sends him funny good things he finds like fuckin. silly chainmail messages and pictures of stuff he thinks taako might like, but he’s trying his best not to overstep any boundaries. taako has not actually established these boundaries. magnus has just sort of assumed them. unfortunately, taako is not a guy who goes out of his way to go to magnus’ place of residence and yell at him.
- but he doesn’t keep it up forever. he does go fucking find magnus. and he does go yell at him. and magnus does kind of have a fit about it. but it’s fine. it’s taako, and he also knows that getting down here was probably. a hell of a lot. and he does appreciate it.
- they immediately click though. because of course they do. and a year and change is a long time for them to go without each other while also actively knowing that they’ve gone without each other. it’s weird. taako one minute is living in lup’s empty ass house because she’s at work and kravitz is at work and he hates everyone who has any time to spend with him, and then the next, he and magnus are picking out like. the color of the accent wall in the livingroom. what kind of flooring should be in the hallways. (magnus wants hardwood, taako refuses to go with anything except shag. carpeting.)
- it’s sort of nice! taako stays a homebody but he’s not completely disconnected. weirdly enough, he sees more of lup. and kravitz. and barry and merle and davenport and everyone. mostly because he doesn’t avoid outings as much. and because he starts going to parties. and goes fishing with davenport. and gets all of his and magnus’ weed from merle that he felt too fucking sick to sit home alone and smoke himself. magnus still has like, a business to run. and taako kind of does, too, sort of, even though he’s been really fucking that up recently and taking a huge backseat on accident.
- anyway, they settle. taako’s doing okay. magnus is doing okay. they had already decided years and years and years ago they weren’t gonna get married and EXTRA aren’t gonna now. magnus doesn’t want to get married again. taako hates it as a concept. it’s complicated. but they’re together. it’s semi-open. taako occasionally sleeps with other people. rarely. listen, he barely goes out, let alone fucks around, and magnus knows it.
- lup has missy like 2 yrs after taako moves out. which does mean that she got pregnant only like a year after he left (elven gestation w/ their slow ass metabolisms), which he’s a little peeved about, but whatever, he gets it. he’s happy for her. he’s not as absolutely gutted as he thought he’d be if it ever happened. is he numb? he can't tell.
- turns out he's… not? maybe? yes, taako being dissociated and numb usually results in being a little more blase about stuff than hed normally be, but he feels. in it. he has an attachment that he's used to having, because it's lup, and it feels almost natural again. almost? there is no way he's picking this feeling apart. they will remain complicated forever because a child is definitely not something that he has to confront (all lies he knows he knows better.)
- weird concept: so how about confront it?
- taako is weirded out by this Thing. lup’s proud of it, though, and magnus is immediately and irreparably damaged by holding this baby, taako can see it in his stupid face, the way he just fucking. grins. and tears up and holds this thing so gently. lup is looking at taako like do not let this guy squish my baby, i’ll kill you, and taako’s just thinking the whole time, yeah, i get it, but like. fucking look at him.
- anyway rightfully she doesn’t let magnus hold the thing for more than like ten minutes before she wants it back but it’s fine - they all relax, taako worries about something else for a change, gets his heart ripped out of his body still beating by this thing crying, everything’s good.
- and now he’s obsessed. partly just with missy, lup’s baby, because she’s hilarious and she’s cute, and she literally just keeps getting FUCKING cuter, but partly with the idea of. baby. like. he could have one of those. he’s got everything for it. like, a house, and a boyfriend, and… financial stability. emotional stability? yeah, man! like, he’s super getting there, isn’t he?!
- he and magnus talk one night. taakos literally sat on his chest over the top of him and starts asking him abt this fucking coffee table lup bought when she first moved into her house, and magnus is like oh yeah, i like that thing, it’s really cool, i kinda wanna make one just like it, but it feels like it’d be copying, at this point. and taako’s like holy shit EXACTLY. exactly correct. but what if we did anyway. just, like, in our own. way. y’know? it’d be different if we did it. we could handle it. we have space for it. if we both worked on it maybe we could like. take care of it. sides, it’d be nice to just. have more shit that has some of you. in it. that will last a long time. so i don’t have to like, go out and replace it later, and i… know that it’s from you, and everything, y’know.
- anyway they keep having this conversation. like, every day, taako brings this up. talks about hey, listen, i know that this is uncharacteristic. you gotta take me seriously here, though. i’m so serious. and magnus is like… serious about… buying a coffee table? and taako’s like NO. i mean maybe, if the conversation must go in that. direction. later, but we’re fucking. capable, are we not?? of doing it ourselves? or we should at least find out?
- eventually magnus asks him, hey, are we… talking about… the kind of coffee table. that you and me, have, uh, tried to make. before? and taako goes LOL, tried?! no. we’ve never had the time or resources to get it like, anywhere near a real project. pal, have we maybe accidentally started on it, and then had that shit totally made useless like every other bodily state ever over and over for ninety nine years? i genuinely dunno man, if we have, that’s between our respective guts, the coffee table, and god only. and magnus just goes ohh. so we are definitely talking about the same thing. okay. oh wow.
- they decide they want one! theyll fucking. build a damn. coffee table. okay.
- and so they start! and they work on it! and they fucking! try! they do eventually get to the point where they can say aloud that they’re trying for a baby. it takes an embarrassingly long time. they are not known for their healthy communication. but taako forces it out into the light eventually. he's okay with being silly about it on a basic level but listen, someone has to rein magnus in a little bit on that. a little. (magnus actually hadn't expected taako to go for it, calling what they're doing having kids, so it's a huge surprise and an extremely positive one, because as much as he's stalwart in the idea of honoring the concept, he also kinda gets it.)
- they don't tell people at first. this is entirely because they KNOW people will be weird about it. but the moment he needs someone to complain to he tells lup and then it quickly gets around elsewhere - which. fairly, most people are kind of skeptical. it’s taako. taako? child? lup, though, kinda knows. she still has early adulthood memories of conversations complaining about the world and guys devolving into if i ever have kids... and how early on taako did show interest. how it kind of became a thing he stopped talking about over the decades. she believes him. and her believing him makes it easier for everyone else to kind of fall into place about it.
- and taako has a few freakouts. a couple total meltdowns. but they got it. they get it, after almost two years. they get it down, and both of them flip their absolute FUCKING lids but taako way moreso than magnus was expecting in any way shape or form. yeah, it was taakos idea. yeah, its taako whos carrying, so hes probably way excited about it. he just didnt expect such an explosive reaction out of him. given that he's, y'know. taako.
- literally every problem taakos ever had becomes an issue. his bullshit tolerance is now: none. his energy level is now: none. his heat tolerance is now: none. his blood pressure is now: none. his ability to cook and feed himself is now: uhh, very little. which that second thing is not super abnormal, but the first one kinda sucks more than usual. this also peaks right in the middle of summer. hes convinced hes dying. (hes not. they absolutely make sure hes not.)
- he DOES like having a good excuse to make everyone else do everything for him. not a huge fan of the genuine doting, but having someone on call for a bucket any time any where is a power he didnt know he wanted. he doesnt use it genuinely very often, but magnus is GREAT at coming when called, and thats funny.
- they pointedly do not know the sex. it is partly performative. it is partly because taako is in the THICK of a gender crisis (had been before he got pregnant even, it hasn't gotten particularly worse, but it's still there) and if someone in his life found out and started prescribing shit even on accident or coincidentally based on the thing's genitalia he'd fucking lose his shit, so they just don't know, they're not gonna know, it's not a big deal, leave him alone.
- taakos naturally a toe walker. not abnormal for elves from the two sunned plane. their feet are just built for it. he manages to maintain this for a little while. he's always fluctuated in weight, he's fine - but his balance does indeed get so bad, even with his tail, that he has to start walking on his whole foot so he doesn't lean forward.
- this makes him like four inches shorter than usual. this makes him like five inches shorter than magnus. this makes him SHORTER THAN LUP. and he fucking. despises it. he's still taller than magnus BARELY when he has his ears straight up but this is all he has, and those ears rarely stand up for any long amount of time without extreme effort. they’re HEAVY.
- it does make magnus hugs nice though. magnus won't bearhug him + break his back anymore for the time being, which he misses, but he gets to stuff his face into magnus' chest. which he likes. hes starting to think MAYBE. maybe after he has this baby he MIGHT occasionally get down on his heels just so he can do this. SOMETIMES. but only around select people. there are only a handful of chests hes cool with being smothered in. magnus definitely tops this list.
- it fucking HURTS his HEELS. fuck his ankles or whatever, his heels!!!! he's not used to putting any weight on them. theyre bruised and blistery and he hates it. magnus will now be carrying him forever. (he says this but ends up being the most hermited motherfucker of all time, worse than taako's normal, which is not good, but whatever. people like to come over to HIS HOME and BOTHER HIM, so he doesnt need to go to functions he can't drink or smoke at anyway).
- he is, however, feeling really fucking good about how fucking AWESOME he is, currently. like, one, everyone had to admit that he’s taking things super super well, and two, he’s being SO open right now. he’s being so chill. he’s being communicative, he’s being honest. he’s not being NICE because that’s just not on the table for taako, but he’s kind of enjoying having a good excuse to be a little more snuggly. a little more needy. sometimes. when he’s not so pissed off he could scream.
- magnus is a fucking. wreck. hes good! hes doing good! but hes crying ALL the TIME. and its PISSING taako off slowly more and more. he knows its just because hes worried or overwhelmed or whatever. who cares. its annoying. he is nice though. maybe the nicest hes ever been to taako. there are a significant number of people who are being nice to him, actually, which is hilarious, and also extremely frustrating. LUP. even lup wont fuck with him in the same way. he has to keep pressing her buttons harder and harder to get her to react. HOWEVER: one person is still ready to pick on him.
- lup's 5 y/o daughter. is RELENTLESS. and honest to god one of the most stable and delightful things throughout the whole pregnancy. this kid has only the vaguest idea of what's going down, is extremely nice, but also compromises NO asks. if she wants him to make her breakfast she WILL cry about it. if she wants to play with his hair, she'll figure out how to do it, even if shes gotta ambush him. great tenacity on this girl.
- they have casey, their first kid, spring-ish? early spring. they have her at home. it sounds like a great idea at the time, and it turns out perfectly fine, but there is the ego barrier of describing to people the story of your firstborn child being PLANNED on being delivered by a lich and the grim reaper along with the boyfriend and then ending up getting stagefright. this is good, you might think, this means grubby corpsehands aren't on your newly born child! and you would be correct, instead it's just magnus, who is crying MORE than the baby and taako combined and it's FUCKING annoying, and lup's not even there to make it funnier. it's fine. it's like, bonding. and shit.
- shes small. smaller than taako would have thought and also would have hoped, and shes bald, and her ears are fucked up somehow, they dont have anything, like, in them to move them around or whatever it seems like, but maybe she'll grow into that. maybe that's fine. not a whole lot of info out there currently on babies who are half alien elf half alien human. so yknow. as long as she's eating and breathing and warm and clean they're pretty happy.
- taako can not let this thing go. magnus occasionally gets to hold her or feed her, but for her first nine/ten days, taako has her almost exclusively and wont put her down. he started sleeping later into his pregnancy because it required less effort than meditating (altho it takes more time), but hes back to it now, so he can keep this baby, who he has still not named btw!, in his arms and remain alert enough to sleep with her.
- two weeks. three weeks. she's FINALLY getting a little bigger. MAYBE taako can manage to have people over to see her in person instead of just showing photos. maybe. the amount of people that technically know about this kid's existence even is a ridiculously low number. the amount of people in the public that knew he was having a kid is most, since he made a statement about it, but the kid herself was never, like. announced. he just doesn't. want to share. at all.
- gets rough. gets really rough. having lup and missy over nearly kills him. he cant even let his TWIN SISTER hold his baby. what the fuck is wrong with him? what is wrong with their relationship? why does he feel like it somehow makes him a better parent when it does not? why has he lost all control of what emotional stability he had? he'd been worried he wouldn't be attached enough to her, that he'd fuckin, abandon her or whatever, and it's so nice that that fear was unwarranted that he doesn't want to confront that he's overcorrecting.
- missy gets to hold casey before lup does. and taako feels bad about it, kinda. BUT: she didn't technically hold the baby on her own, taako just held her while missy put her arms under her as well, but still. then lup. this was a few visits in. casey is still not technically named yet, but taako knows already. kinda.
- she gets her name by two months. it's not elven, like he and lup had, but it's got the same basic rules, which is a compromise he and magnus come up with. once she gets old enough, if she wants something else, she fuckin' names herself. if she wants something else for like. gender purposes, they'll deal with that when that comes up. for now she's casey. burnsides? maybe.
- she stays FUCKING BALD. taako can not get over it. he has hair. magnus is COVERED in it. why's she bald? why's she SO BALD?
- magnus is audhd and taako is autistic. they know that she's gonna probably not necessarily follow the average infant timeline. this turns out to be extremely true. she's very quiet. she makes noises, but even as she gets into multiple years of exposure, she doesn't speak common or elvish, except repeating certain phrases she's heard often (some of her favorites are calling magnus mean names and 'i don't want to', because the former makes her parents laugh and the latter makes uncomfortable situations resolve a lot of the times it's used).
- she also doesn't walk. ok, she kinda walks, she gets up on her feet and uses walls and objects to walk alongside them, or walks slowly with a leg to hold onto. she's very particular and delicate about her foot placement, but still ends up with her ankles out. magnus thinks she might be rolling them? but she seems okay? they get that checked out, though. definitely. make sure she's not in pain or anything. she ends up with some braces for her ankles and heel, but she's still more than a little pigeon toed.
- casey is a shy little thing. very observant. she likes watching people do things. literally anything. she will sit and watch taako cook, she likes to watch the aquarium, she likes to watch people write and draw and cast spells, she likes making other people play with her toys so she can watch. she sleeps with taako and magnus more often than not, either being held by taako while he meditates or lying between them on the mattress once she gets a little older.
- missy ADORES her. missy is a little upset that she doesn't like dressing up and having her hair played with, but she loves casey's dark red hair, thinks shes super cute, loves her floppy ears, just adores her. this is, to her, her baby sister, and taako and lup do nothing to dissuade that. basically are sisters, right? who cares. they live right next to each other, and see each other almost every day, since taako does a lot of watching them during the day now, which… admittedly, he's still working on, but he's got like 8 years of experience by now, three of those with his own baby, so he's. like, getting it. he's understanding it.
- this is around the time taako starts hiring out losers to watch the children (or child, sometimes just casey). ie he makes angus do it when possible, or alum he's still pals with from some of the first years of the school's establishing, or other family friends who are around. merle's off limits. as is she who shall not be MENTIONED in his household.
- with a tiny bit of time alone magnus and taako find out that … they want another kid. taako brings it up. another baby. oops. 
- again, taako brings it up, but magnus is fully on board. except… hold on not really: shit was ridiculously rough on taako specifically, and he’s really, really not excited to have taako go thru it again. which is fair. definitely in the top 100 shitty wild things that have happened to taako, if only for the relative novelty of it and how much it sticks in his memory (haw-haw), but like. he wouldn’t say it if he wasn’t willing to do it one more time. like, just once. he’s got it in the bag now, he knows what’s up. plus, he would not at all mind having like. a year off. of just being sick and hanging out with casey and missy. magnus is skeptical. their decision is easier this time, though, even with everything considered.
- they talk about it briefly but they’re pretty into the idea of magnus carrying, maybe. if they can get it to work. they had some fuckin issues last time, so, like. what if they start trying (stressful but cool), see if it sticks (lower amount of stress, more casual) and if it does that’s cool, and if it doesn’t, oops, must be something that’s not gonna happen? magnus is an older guy at this point, which was factored in but ultimately didn’t keep them from giving it a shot. once again they start trying without actually telling. anybody. except each other. mostly because it’s not set in stone.
- funnily enough? performing in this way specifically gives taako weird dysphoria. there’s also a little scene in which magnus, who’s been out as nonbinary for like, 15 years at this point, talks about how he’s totally cool with carrying a child, doesn’t bother him, he’s nonbinary, NOT that it’d be weird if a man did it, because you did it taako and that was fine, and that also makes taako squirm a little. he’s working on it. he’s spent so fucking long getting that like, femme in a masculine way thing down, why’s it bothering him now?? ugh.
- luckily, doesn’t take a whole lot of trying. unluckily, taako is a little annoyed that magnus gets pregnant so easily. whatever. he still gets his baby out of it. (yeah, casey is his baby, this baby is their baby, since he can’t claim it all himself, but it’s still definitely partly his, duh. casey is just his though.)
- angus starts doing babysitting stuff for casey. taako ALSO ends up getting his GODDAMN… joints checked out. fine. whatever. for casey, because she’s having issues with her joints too, obviously, and he can talk about how he feels slightly more than his mostly nonverbal toddler. he’s forced himself to be verbal over the fucking. centuries. so he gets it. he can handle maybe informing whatever genetic thing she’s fucking got, cus he’s kind of always known that lup doesn’t have nearly the same difficulty he does with chronic pain. so this is on him. this is on him now.
- taako gets himself a nonspecific hypermobility disorder diagnosis. so, like, sweet, i fuckin guess, he’s gone like 300 years without it. also, they don’t even have an actual name for it. thanks. feels awesome. after years and years of forcing it down, he’s forced to actually pay attention to the pain and it Fucking Sucks. not a project he thought he’d be starting on while magnus was pregnant, but whatever. it’s fine. life is FINE.
- magnus is actually faring really well. which is also jealousy-inducing in taako. anyway, magnus is sort of miserable about how low energy he is, suddenly, though, but that’s about the most of it, since his brain doesn’t slow down to match the pace of his body. not in the traditional sense, anyway. taako does not understand what he means by this because to him magnus is still bouncing off the walls. he is, however, a great source of humor at the time (as he fucking ALWAYS is, taako always finds him ridiculously stupidly too fucking funny for him to even be REAL, ugh).
- double appointment day. taako sends casey off with angus, and they’re gonna do… whatever they do. he’s given angus some free rein on what he does with the baby. he kinda trusts angus’ instinct. a little more than he did when casey was an infant, anyway. this is a decision he will eventually regret, because while he is getting the shit annoyed out of him by being quizzed on his pain and fitted for digitigrade AFOs he doesn’t want to use (the other braces recommended arent as bad since his like, fingers aren’t so different from most people’s, it’s just just feet and legs that need extra special shit) and then getting slammed with the major whammy of the fact that up until now magnus has been RIGHT: they’ve been missing a TWIN at past appts, and twins are now for sure confirmed. plus, angus is doing unspeakable things, ie he has been introducing casey to lucretia even though taako has said this should not be done at all. today, lucretia makes the mistake of seeing if taako has been teaching her elven sign language.
- magnus is beyond stoked, taako is torn between being excited and being extremely, outrageously jealous because if one of them was going to have twins, it should have been him, goddammit. but whatever. they tell the relevant parties: ie again it stays mostly under wraps except to really close family.
- casey continues seeing lucretia. it’s not a SECRET, it’s just not being said out loud to taako, exactly, is angus’ reasoning here. they both know that it’s going to get out eventually - and it happens sooner rather than later, for sure. what ends up breaking it wide open is one night taako is watching casey and she makes a motion at him that he’s absolutely certain at first is a sign, but it’s just mixed in with a bunch of other hand waving and other movements she’s prone to doing. so it can’t be. plus, he hasn’t been teaching her elven sign. nobody has, have they? So after she goes to bed, taako stands in front of magnus and makes the same series of movements - nonsense and all, and gets confirmation from magnus that it looks a lot like sign language, but magnus denies teaching it to her.
- lup also denies teaching it to her. lup and taako haven’t used it in tens of years, and when they aren’t using it, there isn’t a reason for the other birds to use it, given that it was mostly used for taako to communicate. plus, very few people on faerun use it, given that it’s a language that doesn’t even originate on the goddamn plane. she’s not learning it from angus, probably. probably? FUCK.
- taako confronts angus about it and he immediately folds and tells taako everything on lucretia’s behalf, because he knows it’s going to get rough if they have to be in the same room together. taako is. devastated. and angry. but angus explains to him that he’s always there, he makes a super good middle man, casey LOVES lucretia, they get along really well, she hasn’t been telling casey anything controversial. casey isn’t even old enough to like, get lucretia’s life story. she’s not getting lucretia propaganda, taako. but she has been um, maybe, using elven sign language, because they thought maybe you’d been trying that, too, because she hasn’t been verbal. Taako confirms he has NOT been, he hasn’t used it since cycle 99 started, because he had it fucking TAKEN from him, is the thing.
- but magnus also starts using it again. starts speaking in ESL to casey. taako gets mad about it, but he can’t deny that it’s much more comfortable for him most of the time, and that he can use his limited energy being more expressive bodily when he doesn’t have to curate his voice specifically like he does when talking aloud. magnus is into it! and he makes sure to tell taako this. taako starts using ESL more. a little. to see if casey will pick it up.
- casey does pick it up. casey picks it up much easier than common or elvish. she has some coordination issues in her hands like taako does, exacerbated by her being like four, but she can communicate a little better and it’s. weird. it’s weird. taako is weirded out by it. but everyone else in the house just keeps - even lup gets in on it, so…
- he gets to talk to casey more. it’s so sweet. she’s an asshole and he loves it. she is a lot like taako in so many ways. it is a weird thing to witness. she’s not exceedingly social. she’s kind of . aloof. which is something he knows he’s been accused of, but he didn’t really get it until he saw literally his fuckin. weird self reflected back at him. he realizes pretty quick that she’s definitely a person. she’s fairly independent and at this stage ENJOYS sleeping in her own bed. she likes the routine of brushing her teeth before bed. she hates socks (so does taako), she loves bugs, but she’s scared of dogs. she likes magnus’ woodwork, but doesn’t like powertools, and has next to no interest in magic, but she does like watching taako cook - she also has strong opinions about food, which taako is a little frustrated about at first, but soon finds is fun to work around. he likes flexing his cooking creativity for the first time in years.
- taako fucking. eventually uses his braces, but only because he wants casey to also use them. she has such a hard time walking and he absolutely hates the idea of her being in any amount of pain, much less pain comparable to what he went through as a kid before he made himself deal with it quietly. neither taako nor casey are big on the sensory input these things provide, but they get through it together. they are just kind of on the same wavelength when it comes to sensory overload - so even if taako doesn’t realize it, given that he’s had hundreds of years to perfect masking even to himself, once casey’s had about enough of it, taako can pretty reliably tell that it’s probably time for him to give himself a break, too, if he can manage it. she’s helping him out a lot, even if she doesn’t exactly know it.
- that winter is when elodie and rian are born, in that order. not at home this time, which magnus is a little indignant about because he’s the tough guy here, but ultimately there’s not a whole lot of fight about it. this is partly because magnus burnsides is a bird, and gets whatever he wants, and if he wants a parade of like 20 goddamn people present, nobody, not even a medical professional, has the power to stop him. this time, names were picked out beforehand, mostly because magnus was DEAD SET on not waiting until they were multiple months old. they get these names assigned to them in the same way casey did - as child names, if they want to change them, or permanent if they don’t, or whatever the hell they want to do. magnus takes immediately to calling them duckie and goose, respectively, because he knows that everyone will back him up if taako tries to tell him he can’t call his newly born children what he wants to call them as nicknames. (they do fight about it. everybody is, indeed, on magnus’ side, if only because they’re tired of the naming scheme taako is perpetuating, here.)
- he has also been calling casey bunny for a few years at this point because of her floppy ears (taako wouldn’t let him get away with ‘dumbo’ any longer), so it fits the theme. (he later gets a duckling, a gosling, and a bunny tattooed on him. they can change their names all they want, but their childhood nicknames are his forever now!)
- magnus, uh, DOES have a little stint of oh god what have i done. turns out that weirdly enough, having taako baby him a little bit makes him feel better. having taako be kind and surprisingly understanding about his feelings is weird and puts him on edge at first, but really, taako was like this when he was pregnant, too, where he’s a little more open and a little more emotionally available, so it’s not super surprising in a way that makes it impossible to believe that taako’s actually willing to give him space to grieve and think and worry and wonder.
- elodie and rian are also digitigrade, but their ears are more solid. not quite as mobile as taako’s, but they have some muscle in them instead of casey’s little floppy thing she has going on. they’re cute and all, but the biggest thing taako can’t get over is the fact that they are both born with hair. istus just keeps fucking kicking him while he’s down. magnus doesn’t even worship her, what the fuck.
- they’re both VERY LOUD. casey wasn’t a crier, the twins are. they’re loud, they’re rowdy, they’re babies. they’re, like, real babies, and not little weird creatures like casey. casey is a bug, not a baby, elodie and rian are infants. taako has already set a precedent of being a nighttime caretaker, given that magnus needs 8 hrs of sleep/night and he needs 4 hrs of meditation. so this continues, for the most part.
- yes, they have two infants. they also have a little girl who is now getting finally also fitted for orthotics which is cool. she’s also learning ESL. magnus, taako, lucretia, and lup all know it. basically everyone in her life knows sign language. magnus is a little rusty, but he’s taking like. ‘lessons’ from taako. this is also being taught in moderation to the twins, but the twins have their own shit going on between each other. taako gets to watch these things develop twin language WITHOUT HIM. it’s fine.
- lucretia becomes a slightly more… common… occurrence. he sees her at parties and gatherings now - they start being invited to the same things. they’re not involved with each other closely, but they’re adjacent. they talk SOMETIMES. if there’s a buffer between them. mostly at these gatherings, and only when taako’s sober. the moment he’s imbibed anything magnus physically gets between them. it becomes missy and casey’s jobs to watch the twins and magnus’ to watch taako to make sure he doesn’t say or do anything too fucked up.
- elodie is a huge casey fan. loves casey to death, but they have the sibling dynamic going on where casey is so focused on being fully enamored with an looking up to missy that she sort of ignores elodie, and elodie is so focused on casey that she ignores missy, who just wants everyone to be friends together so bad.
- the twins are definitely a step up in complicated parenting. casey was a good first step. somehow? got what is the beginner-friendliest baby. some fucking how. these guys, though. elodie is a very curious kid, a very energetic kid, a very intense kid. playful, extroverted. chatty even when she doesn’t have like. language down yet. rian less so. rian’s more like casey in this regard. less chatty. needs a lot of quiet time.
- magnus used to have a stim where he would ball up his fist and slam it into his chest or shoulder, which definitely, definitely was not good for him, given that he eventually got very strong and was giving himself some pretty gnarly bruises and lacerations with it. he also used to (still does, but slightly less) deal with really bad RSD. it kind of fucks him up watching rian go through the same things. taako is just kind of like “yeah, dude, the dark mirror, we’ve all been peering into it” and magnus is like wow. huh. this is wild. i’m sorry, little guy.
- rian ends up sharing a room with casey once he’s old enough (not permanently, but it’s an option for him). he does better in a quiet environment and elodie is not super conducive to this, but casey is, with her also preferring no loud or repetitive sounds. she also relies more heavily on ESL than the other kids, which rian uses with her quite often while he feels more pressured into speaking verbally to others.
- by this time magnus has made casey what he calls her rabbit hutch - basically, as a toddler, she always ended up like, under her bed, or in her closet, or what have you to sleep. taako’s solution to this was ‘oh baby come sleep in my bed then’, but she didn’t want this, so magnus makes her a little doghouse style thing. A canopied bed, but with solid walls and a weighted base, and a tighter space inside. it doesn’t last her into her teens, but she does use it a lot as a little kid. it’s like a permanent blanket fort. taako’s embarrassed that his daughter lives in a fucking dog house his boyfriend made, but she loves it - and eventually starts letting rian in there, too.
- elodie also likes going in there but 3 kids can’t fit at once, and also she gets bored really fast so most of the time it’s casey and rian time only. and they just sit silently in there.
- listen i have a ton of twin lore in my brain but it’s very difficult to put down in a concise way. i’ll get it out. some day. til then have basics. elodie is a big girl, she’s a tough little girl, she likes being able to help out her mama. (even taako is not allowed to call magnus this. elodie and rian, however, are. for taako is it papa strictly. papa bear will also be tolerated. encouraged.) she loves AXES. she wants one so bad. she’s like six and it’s all she wants for every gift-giving event ever is a REAL AXE. taako and elodie absolutely have a Real Sword type conversation. elodie thinks it’s hilarious, but also kind of frustrating because no, dad, she really does actually want a real axe.
- elodie ALSO isn’t really a dog person. they’re okay! she likes them! she’s just not like, dog obsessed. despite magnus’ best efforts, she does not develop canine special interest, which he’s a little sad about, but it’s okay, because he does eventually get it with rian, thankfully. SOMEONE fucking likes dogs in this goddamn household.
- elodie does however LOVE their cats. she’s neutral on the fish and shrimp (did i mention they have a huge saltwater tank. they do. taako raises shramps). she wants a goat. she’s not the pony kid, that’s rian.
- rian is fucking obsessed with animals in general. he loves casey’s stuffed animals. he loves garyl. he loves dogs, especially the big rough guys, mostly because they can handle some roughhousing. he and magnus wrestle, which magnus loves, and they do a lot of work with the dogs, which is GREAT, because by the time rian is 8 or 9 magnus really, really just wants to get back to working regularly, doing dog training and stuff, and he loves having angus and rian around to help.
- OKAY ALL I REALLY KNOW BEYOND THIS IS THAT casey gets really into rollerskating. she likes drawing, but doesn’t stick with it. she likes roleplaying games. taako and lucretia are keyword kinda reintroduced to each other’s lives after a LOT of strife and a lot of fuckups. casey lives with taako for quite a while. idk about the twins yet, but i know that casey is not really ready to go do her own thing for quite a while, and even after she does move out, she’s always got her dad on speed dial, and out of everyone in the universe once magnus is gone, she is one of the only people he will ALWAYS pick up the phone for. every single time, doesn’t matter what he’s doing.
ta da there’s more, obviously, but like. this is where i’m at. currently. with my fucking. six million words (realistically more like 40-50k, it’s hard to compile when it’s spread out across many text docs and google docs and shit.)
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Could I request a bonten mikey x reader and like the reader was having some not nice stuff said about them and Mikey comforts the reader (sorry if this is written weirdly I’m horrible at describing things)
You sure can buddy and don't worry, I send my requests like I'm ordering at McDonald's lol
TW: HATE SPEECH, TRANSPHOBIC SLURS, GENERAL TRANSPHOBIA, PEOPLE BEING DIIICKS
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(Name) was used to it.
He promised.
Ok those were both lies.
"He could have anyone and get he chose some tranny"
"Not even a real boy, what use is he to Mikey?"
"He's not even that trans, you know my cousin's friend is trans and..."
(Name) heard this shit daily, everyone having an opinion about him, either he's not trans enough or 'too trans' or not their ideal picture of a trans person.
Normally he would just ignore it but... Today was already not great for him.
His dysphoria was already not great today and these comments...
...it honestly wasn't shocking to (name) that Mikey found him crying under their blankets.
"Why are you crying?" Mikey asked bluntly to his beloved boyfriend, the other in baggy clothes with tear stained cheeks "...don't worry about it 'jiro... It's nothing"
"Bullshit, why are you crying" Mikey asked again as he lifted the other into his arms blanket and all and began slowly spinning "stop spinning me!"
"I will when you tell me"
"Fine!"
"Good boy"
"...I just..."
"...just?"
(Name) explained what happened and Mikey froze, a dark look taking over his face "it's fine though! I'm used to it!"
Wrong thing to say.
"I will cut them all open from mouth to anus and turn them into luggage" Mikey promised his boyfriend who sighed "don't kill them please..."
"Fine....let's go get food, I'm starving"
"Love you Mikey..."
"Love you too handsome"
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yuridovewing · 4 months
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Can I just say how frustrating Vicky thinks being in a happy relationship (BrackenSorrel) nullifies the trauma one of the characters went through when that's not how that fucking works? I can't stand people that genuinely unironically believe that. Sure, Sorreltail wasn't made to be constantly traumatized by her losses which... is perfectly fine??? Not every character needs to constantly bring up what they went through or be traumatized little baby boos, but that doesn't mean she NEEDED to suffer more just... for having a happy relationship.
Like... you can tell Vicky has either never been in a relationship herself, or her viewpoint on relationships has always been extremely unhealthy....
Or both... it could be both... I don't usually make assumptions on people but these are boomer women with VERY unhealthy viewpoints on relationships it's concerning as hell and given Vicky hates healthy relationships in stories bc they're "boring" I can't help but feel she just wanted to force her bias onto the readers. Only Cherith these last couple years has been quiet and not spouted any bullshit iirc and that's only bc she's not really on the internet.
It's honestly why I consider myself the anti-vicky. GIMME those healthy happy no-bullshit-drama-for-no-reason-relationships OM NOMNOM what do you mean they're boring after the bullshit I deal with in this series I'll take boring over insufferable ANY DAY to where most of my oc couples are decent and somewhat healthy unless there are genuinely instances where I can see it being Unhealthy, not bc I want to make characters suffer bc their lives with one another are boring. AT LEAST make the unhealthy relationship make sense.
It makes the fact that she wrote RavenBarley to be healthy weird only bc iirc she stated somewhere she couldn't bring herself to sour it or whatever it was. Like, sure, good for you, but that doesn't remove Sorreltail's retconned death bullshit and how you hated her Vicky, or hell, killing DustFerns children purely BECAUSE she thought they were boring without suffering involved. All I have to say to both those instances is: Who gives a fucking shit? Not me, I don't want that bleakness, bc unlike the erins I crave healthy relationships inbetween the bullshit and I think many others do too. If you're gonna give it some drama, even if it's a little spat, make it work in a healthy communicative way. Don't kill characters to make them suffer just bc you don't like how happy they are, it baffles me even more bc wasn't she the editor? Didn't she literally PUT BrackenSorrel together? wtf..
Anyways this became a rant I'm just so angry about the Sorreltail thing and how Vicky treats relationships in this series when she was running the joint. I want Brackenfur to die this arc so that he and Sorreltail can reunite in Starclan and live the rest of their days happy and healthy and with no drama and suffering involved PURELY to spite Vicky.
The way Vicky talks about Sorreltail is just so uncomfortable. This may be a stretch, but it's almost like she can only see Sorreltail as a wife and mom, at least in later interviews, because she dismisses Sorreltail's grief over her parents, brothers, and children because "well she hasn't suffered enough and is boring because she's happily married."
I do think Vicky just has a weird view of relationships. It's fine to enjoy relationship drama, but she says she goes out of her way to ruin the romance because its the only way to make them feel real or enjoyable. That's why CloudBright is like that in TNP: She said it was too boring in TPB so she had to tease a cheating plotline to make it a good relationship (btw notice how a lot of these involve putting traumatized female characters in rough situations? How on earth is it comfortable for anyone to read about Brightheart experiencing dysphoria and hating herself bc she thinks her husband who helped rehabilitate her is cheating on her for being disabled.) Spotted x fire x Sand drama is also thanks to her. I'm pretty sure BrambleSquirrel being like that is because of her too.
I think it's fine to enjoy that sort of fictional drama (I am begging some of these cats to divorce and have drama over said divorce) but it comes across like she thinks that's how relationships HAVE to be. Like it's cute and if it's not full of strife then it's dumb. It's such a bizarre message to give to kids and it makes so many of these books more uncomfortable than anything.
Like I'm curious, do people ACTUALLY love the uncomfortable romance strife Vicky would insert? Does anyone like the love triangle plot in Firestar's Quest where Fire has to choose between a dead girl he crushed on for a month and his living wife? Does anyone think the CloudBright and Daisy drama in TNP is fun and interesting to read? (You cannot answer any of these with "well it's fine i hc them all as poly" cause that is not the intent and you know it)
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stronghours · 5 months
Text
saw the cat person movie with @drdemonprince last night, a truly national event, and while definitely like, artistically and craft-wise a bad movie, it was a treat for a couple people who did not like the short story at all - the interesting, charming, and intriguing things about it, though absolutely not done on purpose, really underscored the dysphoria between the reader reaction to the short story itself and the reality of the writing (bad)
1 - the short story came out in 2017! I'd only been in chicago for 10 months! truly this was a geological age ago.
2 - the twitter discourse on the publication of this short story was more encompassing and wild than the short story itself. people compared it to "the lottery". people called it "the first viral short story". people called it haunting and twisted and nasty and trenchant and intense. the extreme blurbage really set it up for a vaster failure to me specifically (the only opinion that truly matters) when I read it and thought it was like, a kind of dull story with listless characters.
3 - short stories have been adapted before! Frank Perry did The Swimmer back in the sixties! He had Burt Lancaster! (don't know where I was going with this - I think was going to say an actually literally wise director can adapt cleverly from brief material, but then I remembered I have not actually watched The Swimmer yet and probably shouldn't say that in good faith)
4 - so anyway - and once again, I think this was absolutely done unintentionally, so not 'good' per say - Cat Person The Movie portrays yes, the text of the short story, but due to both the deficiencies in the text and the deficiencies of the filmmakers, forces itself to literally play out the fantasies of the mass reader reception, fantasies that arguably swallowed the actual short story itself - that this was a chilling portrayal of modern dating/war of the sexes/misogyny/male violence, etc.
5 - I believe these fantasies happened because, 1, a lot of people aren't textually very wise. it is truly fandom bullshit. people have an intense emotion from deficient text or content and then start squeezing blood from stone and things snowball from there
6 - while, once again, I say, the movie most definitely not doing this shit intentionally, it had enough awareness for the usual tongue-in-cheek stuff, not because this was "the good thing to do craft-wise" but because tongue-in-cheek awareness is de rigueur these days, and because the adaptors, though maybe not craft geniuses, have the pragmaticism of Movie/Film People and were like "we absolutely do not have enough shit to go off on" and, again unintentionally, squeezed blood from stone just like the readers from yesteryears and managed to beautifully mimic the mass delusion that surrounded, again, this fucking bad and boring short story and managed to bring some actual violence to the table
7 - due to the fact that this is a Film with Actors and had Moving Visual Images, it benefited from like, you know, some of the actors being charming and kind of funny
8 - the story came out, again, in 2017, the stone ages, and modern dating and the twitter lit scene has gone through several more geological cycles since then, so the whole thing felt just a little old fashioned. the salad days!
9 - the ending close up on Margot's shit-im-nutting face when the second guy asks her out at the movie theater is such a fucking funny choice and departure on the og story, that this girl is now addicted to the rush of thinking every dude she dates is going to stalk/kill/drug her - (and she's correct! robert was, apparently, willing or contemplating to do two out of three of those things! but also - maybe she's crazy too and, you know, kind of deserves it?) like, such a hysterical and cynical choice, masterstroke.
10 - bad story! (no stars)
11 - bad movie! (five stars, would see again, love and light to all)
12 - The Swimmer (1968) dir. Frank Perry and starring Burt Lancaster is free on Tubi
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seidenbros · 1 year
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Hi! I hope you're having a nice day, I was wondering if you were still taking requests?
I’m transmasc and I’m going through a bit of dysphoria this week and i was wondering if you could maybe do a eddie x trans! Reader? It can be smut or just fluff write as you like! :))
Hello love 💖 Believe me, I sat here with big teary eyes when i read that an wanted to give you a hug. And then I went to writing, thinking about how to do this, since it's nothing I have personal experience with, and I wanted to treat this topic with the respect it deserves. So I really hope I'm not stepping on anyone's toes, especially because everyone experiences dysphoria in different ways. So I really hope I didn't fuck this up and you can find some comfort in this one. Word Count: 2163 Pairing: Eddie Munson x Trans!Reader Warnings: angst, fluff, gender dysphoria, crying, soft Eddie💖
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Trust
Eddie knows that something is wrong, that something is going on in that pretty head of yours, but he cannot figure out what it is. The last couple of days, you’ve been acting distant, trying to steer clear of him, haven’t let him kiss or even hug you. When he asked you to come over, you always said that you were busy, had some stuff to do, but you might drop by later. Later never happened. Instead, you stayed in your room, alone with your demons, because you didn’t want to put this on Eddie, didn’t want to pull him down with you.
Eddie got to know you as a guy, you even introduced yourself to him with your new name, nervous as fuck, but Eddie simply smiled at you, shaking your hand and welcoming you to the group. After feelings were developing between the two of you, you knew that you had to tell him - and you wanted that as well, but you were still nervous about it. You should have known Eddie well enough at that point to know that he didn’t care. And he didn’t. When you told him, he simply gave you that smile that warmed your whole body from the pit of your stomach and made you all giddy.
“I care about you as a person, doesn’t matter what you are, alright?” He took a step towards you, taking your hands in his and lifting them. “Besides, you could probably knock me out with those hands.” He was exaggerating, you knew that, but it still made you chuckle. “I might just have to step back if you tell me you’re actually a wolf or something.”
“Now you’re being silly,” you chastised him, but it was followed with a chuckle.
“Maybe I am,” he said, pulling you towards him by your hands. His right hand came up to cup your cheek, tilting your head just enough so he could put his lips on yours. The butterflies you’d felt before, increased to a whole damn zoo inside your belly, when you kissed him back, hands moving over his chest up into his hair, holding him to you.
Yeah, your first kiss with Eddie was actually perfect, nothing like the ones you’d had with other people before. Maybe, because you were finally feeling like yourself, maybe because it was Eddie. Maybe, it was just the combination of everything. Most of all, though, the fact that Eddie liked you just the way you were.
And now you’re trying to remember that, but there’s just this voice inside your head that makes you question everything, and instead of talking to Eddie about it, you’re shutting him out. It’s not fair, you know that, but you don’t want to  lay all that heavy stuff on him. You still want to see him smile, want to see him happy, and not being dragged down right along with you. What you don’t realise is that it’s you who makes him happy, and without you… he’s just miserable.
That’s why he’s on his way to you now. Even though you told him that you were busy, he wants to check up on you, the last couple of days leaving him so worried, that he just has to see for himself that you’re alright. But when he takes one look through your bedroom window and sees you curled up on your bed, he knows that you’ve definitely been bullshitting him.
Eddie sighs, cursing himself that he didn’t check up on you sooner, but he’s here now at least. His right hand comes up to rasp against the glass, eyes firmly on you. Your body twitches for a moment before you lift your head, looking over the window, tears clearly clouding your vision a little. When you stare at him a moment too long, he speaks loud enough for you to hear through the closed window.
“Open up, or do you want me to break in?”
That gets you moving. Your feet hit the floor with a thud, the boxers hang low on your waist, the shirt is one you practically nicked from Eddie so you had his smell in your nose. Your hands come up to brush away the tears before you open the window for him to climb inside.
“That’s what you call being busy?” Eddie says with a grin, trying to lighten the mood, but it’s completely lost on you. God, he immediately feels awful for opening his big mouth.
“Sorry,” you simply mumble, turning around, walking back over to your bed to sit down on the edge. While you didn’t want to have Eddie around in the first place, you can’t deny that you’re glad to see him, to be in his presence, because he always makes you feel better.
“No, don’t be sorry… I’m sorry. I was just trying to be funny or something.” Eddie runs a hand through his hair, making it stand up a little bit. “Wanna tell me what’s going on?” He steps up to you, steps between your legs, reaching out his hand to tilt your face up so he can look at you. But you’re not looking at him, your eyes cast down, suddenly feeling very small.
“I’m okay… it’s nothing.” You shake your head, getting out of his touch, your tongue coming out to wet your lips.
“Don’t bullshit me, please!” Eddie takes a step back again, reaching for the chair to sit down on it, leaving some distance between you, because you’re obviously not comfortable with being this close to him. You usually were, craved his touch even, but right now… “I know that something’s been going on for days, but I thought you’d come to me and tell me when you were ready, but you didn’t. And I’m so fucking worried about you… Please, love, just… talk to me!”
It is the desperation in Eddie’s voice that breaks you heart, makes you look up at him.
“It’s not easy to explain…”
“I’m very patient, you know that.”
“Yeah…” And you do. You do know that he is patient, giving you all the time you need, accepting your limits, when you’re too nervous to take it a step further, even when Eddie is painfully hard in his pants. He always assures you that it’s okay and that he can take care of himself when he’s alone. Because he likes you.
“I’m just… I don’t know. I look in the mirror and don’t really see myself, you know? I see the person I don’t want to be anymore, if that makes sense.” You rub a hand over your face. “The moment my hair gets a little too long, I see that little girl I once was… that I still am. I mean, it’s all still there.” You gesture towards your body, and Eddie slowly understands. He gets up from the chair and kneels down between your legs this time, gently taking your hands in his, giving them a light squeeze.
“You do know that longer hair is also very metal and it’s nothing that indicates femininity, right?” His voice is soft, soothing for your soul, and the smile he gives you, makes you at least a little calmer. Before you can say something, though, Eddie opens his lips again. “But I get that it reminds you of a time long past. I just wish you would have talked to me sooner.”
“It’s not that easy,” you mumble, biting your lip, before you slowly manage to look at him.
“I know, but you don’t have to work through this alone, got it?” He raises your hand, placing a gentle kiss on your palm, before he drops it again. “And just so you know, you’re more of a man than the likes of Jason.” When he notices the expression on your face, he keeps on talking. “I mean it. You’re a better man, most definitely. Come on!”
He gets up, pulling your right along with him, and you nearly topple over, but Eddie catches you.
“What you doing?” You manage to ask, at least not crying anymore, but still sceptical of what Eddie wants to do.
“We’re gonna make you see what I see. You already wearing that…” He gestures towards your chest, which makes you smile and nod. “Good, I thought so. Just wanted to make sure. Then…” He lets go of your hands to walk over to your closet. After some rummaging, he finds the shirt he’s been looking for. Your Hellfire Shirt. The shirt he gave you. Upon your questioning look, he simply says: “I just love seeing this on you!”
And that makes you smile even more. Eddie’s presence is almost enough to make you forget about your troubles, about the dark thoughts looming over you. Eddie walks ahead to the bathroom to give you some privacy to change your shirt. Not that you mind having him around for that, but you still appreciate that he's being so thoughtful right now.
You need a moment, but then you follow him, surprised to see him standing there with scissors in his hand.
“I really don’t know if I like what I’m seeing. Do you know what you’re doing there?”
“Oh come on, don’t you trust me?”
“More than anyone else,” you admit, a coy smile playing on your lips.
“Good.” Eddie leans over to kiss your temple. “Then sit down, we’re gonna cut your hair.”
“Have you done this before?”
“A couple of times. Guess who always cuts Uncle Wayne’s hair?”
“I don’t know if that is reassuring at all…”
“Oh shut up you, or I’ll have to shut you up!”
“Is that a threat or a promise?” You feel the tension leave your shoulders more and more when you sit down on the toilet so that Eddie can get to work.
“Ahh there is my y/n!” Eddie’s expression softens, and he leans down to kiss the top of your head. “Cutting first, kisses after.”
“Okay.”
Eddie works in silence - more or less, he’s humming some tune, but neither of you speaks for a while. You only watch your hair float to the floor as he cuts it off. It’s such an intimate moment and you feel so at ease with him that it shocks you a little bit. His hands are gentle when they brush your skin, and once he is done, he looks at you with the softest smile you’ve ever seen on him.
“Ready to look at yourself?”
You hesitate for a moment, because you’ve been avoiding mirrors as much as possible for the last few days, but with Eddie there, you know that you’re safe, that you’ve got someone who will catch you if he has to.
He helps you up and positions you in front of him to look in the mirror. Your hair is a lot shorter than it was before, and while Eddie is right, that the length of your hair is not an indicator for anything, you feel a lot better like this. More like you now, less like the little girl from the photos.
“What do you think?”
“It… looks good!”
“Now, not to toot my own horn or anything, but you look fucking awesome!” Eddie wraps one arm around you to pull you against his chest. “It suits you so well. Oh wait, I nearly forgot!” He lets go of you again immediately and pulls something out of his pocket. With a big smile he places the chain around your neck that has the same plec dangling from it as his own. It’s a matching piece.
“Eds…” you mumble, completely surprised by his gesture.
“Now, don’t start talking about necklaces not fitting your image. Look at me!” He raises your hand and slips one of his rings on your thumb, because they are too big for the other fingers. “Jewellery looks absolutely metal on you. You admire it on me all the time, so… see a bit of that in yourself, okay?” Eddie leans forward to peck your cheek, before he rises to his full height again.
For a moment, you look at your reflection in the mirror, really look at yourself, then at your boyfriend behind you, who’s smiling at you. Slowly you turn around in his arms and before he can say anything, you pull him down towards you so you can kiss his lips. Eddie smiles into the kiss, wrapping his arms around you to hold you close - and you let him. His hands settle at the small of your back, while your own hands tangle in his hair, trying to pull him even closer.
Eddie eventually breaks the kiss, pressing his forehead to yours.“I love you, always remember that, alright? I love you just the way you are!” He whispers against your lips, kissing you once more, making the I love you too you wanted to say die on your lips, too lost in the kiss. But he knows it anyway.
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fairiencarnate · 11 months
Text
CW gender rant
I just read someone call PCOS a condition that falls under the intersex umbrella and I'll be honest it kinda shook me, so I've been doing some reading. Not sure if I believe that it's an inherently intersex condition, but through reading I've found a bunch of discussion about PCOS causing gender dysphoria and a lot of us coming out as or being closeted nonbinary. And like, I FEEL THAT. Ever since I was a kid I would look in the mirror and see a boy to the point that I started identifying with him and wishing I was one from time to time. Having crushes on girls and being in a strict religious household made it stronger. Puberty hit and made it so much more intense once I grew facial hair and thick body hair. I would anguish over not being feminine enough for the general public, whilst flip flopping between desperately wanting to appear hyper feminine and then wanting to "give in" and just throw labels away. How I wish I could wear those pink frilly clothes and flowery dresses and still look the way I do without hours of plucking and shaving and still be considered a woman, because I know people refuse to view my hair as a woman's hair. But then why do I cling to that title so much? Is it safety? Status quo bullshit? And now seemingly everybody in the world proudly hates trans ppl and they/thems, people worship the binary, it has me feeling like there's no way I can ever feel secure in my identity in this fucked up world, so obsessed with the black vs white instead of acknowledging the rest of the colours exist. Having a little cry right now. Didn't realize I needed that validation
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