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laurensliminalspace · 6 months

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Building confidence with chronic illness and disability

What does it look like to be empowered and confident with a disability or chronic illness?

I’ve been pondering this lately as I find it’s easy to get into the mindset that when my health improves or if I fully recover, then I’ll finally feel confident, badass and empowered. And yes, that’s partly true. Having more energy and wellbeing definitely gives me a huge boost in my mood and sense of self efficacy. I also think it’s great to work on improving our health as much as possible.

However, what do we do in the mean time? What would it look like to be the best version of myself, right here with my current circumstances? I've been pondering this question recently, and wanted to explore it further.

Unfortunately, many of us get trapped in a downward spiral that feels out of our control. Feeling unwell saps our self esteem, and having to stop jobs, reduce social activities or limit hobbies can be very depressing. It’s a vicious circle that can be tough to escape. Financial and health struggles can create so much anxiety and stress, it can feel crippling not just physically, but mentally, too. It can feel shameful and embarrassing, and often we just want to hide and protect ourselves.

There can also be a lot of self-consciousness about our physical bodies and appearance. For example, many medications can make people put on weight, fatigue can cause dark circles under the eyes, and allergies can make people’s faces look puffy. Surgeries can also leave people with scars and it’s normal to wonder if people will find you attractive, especially in the dating scene.

However, the great thing about working on our health and confidence is that it can also be an upward spiral. Confidence can help motivate and empower us to improve our health and life situation, and in turn the increase in energy and health can boost our confidence. I’ve found that even improving my health by 5% or 10% can make a surprisingly dramatic difference in my overall quality of life. Every little bit counts!

Here is my advice, based on my life experience - in no particular order:

One: Escape the comparison trap.

Stop comparing to others, especially other able bodied people. Even comparing to others with the same condition can be highly problematic, as people have wildly varying symptoms, different levels of severity, as well as different levels of support and financial resources. Many people with the same outward symptoms also have a completely different root cause (or combination of root causes). Not to mention the treatments that work for some may not work for others at all. Some people find a silver bullet solution, but for most people, it’s more complex than just one thing.

Focus on yourself and stay in your lane. Concentrate on your personal achievements and look at how far you’ve come. Being able to walk for five minutes may mean nothing to the average person, but it may be a huge milestone for you. Don’t forget to celebrate your wins! Even the small ones. Also embrace the reality that the journey is going to be up and down. You’re going to have good days and bad days. Don’t let that discourage you from continuing.

Two: Self compassion and self acceptance.

Work on talking to yourself with more love, compassion and acceptance. Acceptance is really important because we need to come to terms with our reality, which is often incredibly frustrating and painful. This often involves a great deal of grief too. It’s okay to feel all the emotions, and hold space for them. I find journalling, therapy and EFT tapping really helpful in this process. I also really like parts work, and the concept of unblending, as it helps me gain perspective on difficult emotions and parts.

Know that it’s okay to feel the sadness and anger. It’s also okay to feel envious and jealous of people who are able bodied and have easier lives. It’s normal. Don’t add insult to injury by beating yourself up over totally normal emotions!! Society encourages us to repress and deny our shadow, but we need safe spaces to talk about the tough stuff.

Being disabled and chronically ill comes with a huge amount of stigma, and often trauma, too. Get the treatment you need for any trauma that’s holding you back and sapping your spirit. I recommend EMDR and somatic therapy, but there’s lots of other modalities out there too.

Three: Own it fully.

This is easier said than done, but when you’re disabled or chronically ill, it’s better to own it and speak about it as confidently as possible. I find this is especially relevant in social or dating situations. I try to be honest, open and frank about my lifestyle and limitations, rather than hiding it or pretending I don’t have any conditions. This is sometimes a tough line to walk as you don’t want to overshare or freak people out, but in general I prefer to be up front with people.

This also includes freely using mobility aids in public settings, social situations or going on dates. I’ve become very comfortable using a mobility scooter to get around, and often take a walking stick with me too. It takes time to get used to this, but the more you do it, the less self-conscious you’ll feel. Some people find it helps to decorate their mobility aids or get a walking stick that looks funky. Canes can be incorporated into a steampunk, dark academia or dapper aesthetic in a fun way! Find a way to own it and make it your own, in a way that suits your personality and style.

Another area that can be challenging is dealing with dietary limitations. Strict diets and allergies can be tricky, but again, it’s better just to own it. I don’t eat at restaurants, but I still go to restaurants and cafes with friends and enjoy hanging out. Yes, it’s a little awkward sometimes, but you have to push through it. The right people won’t care, and will value your presence more than anything else.

Four: Seek supportive connections, friends and community, whether online or off.

Find friends, groups and events that are supportive, uplifting and accessible. Don’t hang around people who judge you or drag you down. Even people who constantly insist on giving annoying unsolicited advice (like "just drink more water!") can drain your precious spoons.

I know this is so much easier said than done, because being disabled or chronically ill can bring with it a great deal of isolation. It’s natural to just hang on to whatever connections you have, and not want to let go or burn a bridge. So be kind to yourself if there’s some people you’re just not ready to let go of right now. But keep looking for better friends who are going to life you up and who fully accept and celebrate you as you are.

Never, ever assume you have to tolerate any abuse or mistreatment because you’re disabled or chronically ill. You are not a burden and never deserve to be treated badly.

The same goes for dates and partners. Don’t settle for people who are toxic, judgemental or just tolerate you – rather than fully accepting and loving you right now, for who you are. Also, find people who respect and cherish you as a person, not for what you can do for them or what you achieve. People who are very focused on things like class, money and status are usually best avoided where possible.

Five: Cultivate a sense of purpose in your life that’s bigger than you.

I find when I’m focused on my purpose and calling, it’s easier to be confident because I’m not so focused on what other people think of me. I recognise that I have a calling that’s a lot more important than that! Obviously, this is easier said than done, especially if you can no longer work – or have had to change jobs, or reduce your work hours. Even volunteering can be surprisingly difficult when you have health limitations.

But purpose, meaning and calling in life are much greater than what we do for money, or even our hobbies. Relationships are a core source of meaning and purpose for many people. Being creative and growing spiritually are also significant. I’ve written more about this in other blog posts, but I find this is a significant piece of building a sense of empowerment in difficult circumstances. Reflecting on your core values can be really powerful and inspiring.

I’d recommend doing an exercise where you select words or phrases that represent your core values in life.

Six: Don’t be afraid to have fun, explore and try new things, as much as you can!

I find singing and dancing at home to positive, empowering songs can really boost my mood and confidence. It can be hard to be as spontaneous and active as I would like, but I still try my best to engage in life to the fullest extent of my capabilities. Sometimes this means asking for help or using mobility aids to get to certain events. It can also mean more planning ahead when travelling.

I really love riding my escooter, as it gives me an adrenaline rush but isn’t too tiring. Think outside the box and be open to new experiences. Brene Brown talks about engaging in laughter, song and dance in her guidelines for wholehearted living, and I think it’s applicable here. Watching hilarious movies and having a laugh with friends can be so uplifting.

Finally, don’t discount celebrating your sexuality. Disabled people are often portrayed as non-sexual, but exploring dating and sex can be a lot of fun and very empowering.

Practical suggestions:

Explore journalling about – what does it mean to live my best and fullest life with my current limitations? What does being empowered and confident look like for me right now? Brainstorm whatever comes to mind.

If you’re feeling rejected or unworthy, put your hand on your heart or your belly, and send love to the parts of you that are holding these emotions. I find self compassion practice can be really powerful.

EFT tapping is a great tool for working through negative core beliefs, like “I’m a burden” or “I’m not enough”.

If people give you a compliment, take a screenshot or write it down and save it into a folder on your computer for whenever you feel down and need a pick me up.

Try writing down your strengths, good qualities and things you like about yourself.

Create a celebration jar where you write down anything you’re proud of or qualities your love about yourself on little bits of paper. Put them in the jar and you can open it whenever you need a reminder. Another option is putting a marble or stone in a jar whenever you do something you’re proud of.

Experiment with visualising yourself as your most confident, empowered self. You could go back to a past memory where you were feeling your best, or imagine yourself in the future. I find doing this while listening to music can be really uplifting.

Use positive affirmations, for example: My worth and value is based on who I am, not on my achievements. I am confident. I am powerful. I deserve to be treated well. If it feels a bit fake or forced, you could try asking yourself, “What if I felt confident?” and see what arises.

Further links and resources:

Chronic Illness and Confidence: How to Rebuild

Facing the World with Confidence and Chronic Illness

How to be Confident While Being Chronically Ill

#chronic illness #disabled #me #cfs #mecfs #spoonie #disability #illness #mental health #confidence #mindset #fibromyalgia #mcas #empower #empowering #empowerment

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ickthehobbit · 2 months

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february

my anxiety has been crippling. I have been seeing this guy, he’s pretty alright. Classes are fine, I am not. I have been trying to figure out what is wrong with me mentally so that I can fix it, but I am still trying to figure out what’s wrong. I think about ending it a lot these days, but not in the traditional sense. I want to run away. I wasn’t to escape my life and begin completely new. I want to deactivate all my social media accounts and I want to move to nebraska, or colorado, or somewhere east. I want to go home, to that shithole town in ohio. I want to kill my father (he is already dead so that’s already been taken care of haha) I want something. I want change. I have been bad at keeping my commitment to shutting the fuck up. I need to work on that. I need to retreat. I need to sit in a church parking lot and smoke a bowl in my car. I want to go home. I want to run around in a field barefoot. I want to escape. I want to go home. I want to die.

I’ve been thinking about the story told in Ethel Cain’s 2022 album, Preacher’s Daughter. I also want to go on a roadtrip to california with a stranger and get canibalized. I lived in a mountain town for a few years after escaping ohio, I want to go back there. I want to gather up my past and reexamine it. I want to time travel and relieve my life and change it. It’s too late for me now. I don’t know what to do with myself. this has been eating away at me. I want to move to a town out west and squat in an abandoned church. I don’t know what will make me feel better.

Every time that guy leaves me on read or delivered i get scared that he’s ghosting me. I get so fucking scared that he just wants to use me for my body. Is it really so bad if that’s all that he wants? once i can recognize it for that I can very easily just leave. it’s not hard. I just hate this phase of my life so much. I thought I was healing. I wish i was.

I suppose there is nothing that will make me feel better.

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dzpenumbra · 10 months

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7/2/23

Two more night cycles to go and then it's National Blow shit up to remind people of what the cannon fire sounded like when our adult males were getting blown to pieces trying to secure independence from greedy politicians who were excessively taxing their colonies Day. It's a good thing we still celebrate holidays for what they actually are. By getting piss drunk on cheap beer, watching people set off increasingly excessive amounts of fireworks, complaining about how we thought it was going to be cooler... or... about how they kinda overdid it... I honestly... I'm not sure what holidays are actually left that aren't religious holidays that still hold their actual meaning. That meaning... holidays which are still celebrated by the majority as they were intended. We have somehow managed to make literally every holiday revolve around work, money and material possessions. It's just upsetting.

Maybe I'm just hearing the loudest voices. I really hope so, I've been feeling that way for a while... like, I struggle to get out and shit because of crippling anxiety stuff, and that oscillates into the realm of agoraphobia sometimes... and most of it... I've been really feeling like it stems from just... hearing the loudest, craziest, most extreme voices. And those people being massively amplified.

I see the worst case scenarios, the outliers, and I just... assume that most people are like that. Why? Because I was surrounded by fucked up people my whole life and never knew it. It just feels like it's so rare that people are good, and kind, and generous, and selfless, and compassionate. Because that's been my personal experience. And I want so bad to believe that there is a decent percentage of good people out there, but my survival instincts... the clusters of neurological tissue hugging my brainstem that are trained to keep me alive and intact... they are pretty familiar with what happens when you make friends with wolves in sheep's clothing. So... it's like any social step forward can feel like not just a leap of faith, but a battle against my own reflexes.

I'll get there. In time. Again, I just need to build a bigger bank of good social experiences, and the mental fire alarm will start calibrating back to something a bit more live-able.

I am actually nodding off, I have no idea if I'm even making sense. It's super hot and humid, and late. And I did exhausting yoga and a big workout today. I started with dreams about my dog, which was hard. Then woke up right as my Instacart delivery was en route. The guy refunded half of my essentials - two bags of granola for breakfasts, and two bags of chicken for dinners... And I had zero time to figure that out because I was fucking asleep, he had already checked out, no replacements, just straight to refund. I'm still upset about that. So... I'm gonna have to figure that out.

But I went to get my food and had no problems at all. No anxiety, no stress, nothing. Just popped some gum so I didn't overwhelm anyone with morning breath and just did my thing.

I did a new yoga video, it was intense but it was nice. I did my workout, which was super intense. Lots of kicks, and my hips are just... not great. So... I did my best. But I'm definitely noticing a difference in my range of motion, which is good.

Showered, played Hades, made really good veggie burritos for dinner and streamed. I streamed Blender animation. It went... good at first, but I got to a point where I put the cart ahead of the horse and... now I have to redo probably about half an hour of work. Not the end of the world, but enough for me to be upset. I called it there, ended the stream and played Hades again to round the night out. No one came to stream again. I really need to do something about that. Again, I think social media is the answer, I just need to build a habit.

Here's an idea... I'm gonna be ending this journal in just over a month. I think, I'm not sure. It's weird, I've grown so used to doing this, it's hard to imagine not doing it. But... around new years, my goal became to do this for an entire year, every night. And I think the year mark is around August 22ish. So... maybe when I end here... I do blogging on my primary account - which currently has absolutely fuck-all on it. Maybe a bit less personal... and more... about life stuff? And things I'm learning, things related to my work, my research, skills I'm developing, shit like that? Maybe less therapy-type stuff and more... things directly related to pieces I'm doing. And I can just slot that in where my current journaling time is. So I can be steadily putting out stuff on my social media. I mean, I have a social media habit, you're looking at it right now... I just... I've been using it as a social experiment rather than actually attempting to connect with people. It's not a bad plan, it's something, I'll keep thinking it over. I really should keep journaling too though... so... that's a bit messy... Hmm...

So yeah, it can be a bit depressing streaming to no one. But I've been doing it for years now. It just is what it is. Honestly, it's much less pressure with no VoDs on. Then I only have to worry about people watching in the moment, not anyone who might be digging through my recorded streams. And I don't have to worry about any potential DMCA, even though I have my audio split anyway.

Anyways, it's getting super late so I'm gonna do tarot and call it a night because I'm actually nodding off... and I really just want to lay in front of my fan.

Past - Four of Cups, inverted (Apathy, disinterest. Being offered gifts and opportunities, but being uninterested.) Present - Seven of Wands, inverted (Standing your ground, defending your position; often when heavily outnumbered. Courage, strength, fortitude and aptitude.) Future - Six of Cups, inverted (Nostalgia, memories, past relationships. Learning from and reconciling with the past, to create a better future.)

First one is a new one, inverted Four of Cups. But I vaguely remember this one from when I was studying the Black Tarot, my other deck. The Three of Cups is the party card, the Four of Cups represents the hangover. That's all I really remember about it, so... I'd guess... sluggish, recovering, not feeling well? I'll study it at the end of this and add it to my doc.

This is connected to inverted Seven of Wands. Damn, another new one. I could only speculate about this, so I'm going to leave it for now.

The final card is the inverted Six of Cups. I have gotten this one time before. I think it's... reflection? Reflecting on past experiences and learning from them in order to move forward? Cups are all about emotions... Five we got last night, it's grief/sorrow/loss. So, I see Six as like... learning lessons from the past in order to overcome grief and move forward.

Alright, let's learn us some cards, shall we? Welp, I was... pretty far off with my speculation on Four of Cups. Four of Cups is apathy, it's turning away opportunities and offers out of disinterest. So, I mean... in a way the hangover idea fits? Kinda? But it's more emotional than having overdone it and just not feeling well. And I keep getting flashes back to... what I call "past lives"... past incarnations of myself from my late 20's and even early 20's, when I would just... out-of-hand dismiss offers from people, kindness from people. Which, now? In this social drought? Seems ludicrous. And there is regret and shame attached so it's difficult to engage with, but that lack of emotion, that symbol, that action... I'm assuming that is what the card is referring to as a source, and that apathy really wreaking havoc on my life, and I was very well stuck in it for a long fuckin time.

Next is Seven of Wands. This one is kinda intense. It's having the courage to stand your ground and defend yourself when severely outnumbered. At first glance, it's weird that wands have so much conflict-related stuff (you'd think swords would be more about conflict) but wands are fire... so... that kinda comes with the territory. So the whole... kinda being stuck in dysfunctional apathy and aloofness thing... it led to situations where I really should have been standing my ground, setting firm boundaries, having pride and confidence in myself and my life... my new self and my new life. And... I didn't. I was blocked, I caved. I failed to have the courage many of the times, and when I did? It took a heavy toll. But throughout, I was very fearful, trembling.

This resolves in an inverted Six of Cups. Which is actually pretty super dead on, actually. Struggling to connect with my past, and because of that disconnect, struggling to learn those lessons accurately in order to be prepared for the future. In fact, on stream today, I was considering playing Corelia's album from 2012. It used to be one of my favorite albums back then, I even did vocal covers of two of their songs. And I really feel uncomfortable even thinking about connecting with things from the past a lot of the time. One, because it's a reminder that I'm getting old very quickly. Two, because... of what happened in-between? All the things I've lost? I don't know. It's a haunting feeling. Hard to put in words. Nostalgia has not felt good for me in a while, it feels like... like seeing a ghost. It's eerie and unsettling, and I guess I've been afraid of the memories and associations that come with it. Periphery III is a great example of that. That album has multiple waves of trauma associated with it. And soon... soon I will be able to reclaim it. But this inverted Six of Cups really screams that specific problem to me. Not being able to connect with memories in a healthy way, so... because of that... I struggle to shape a clear perspective image in order to feel safe moving forward.

Very powerful message tonight. My past apathy (both med induced and... upbringing/depression induced) led to a series of massive defeats after I reconnected with my emotions, and both of these have put me in a state where I struggle to put the lessons I was supposed to learn from the past into practice, because of the emotional minefield back there. Let's see if the placeholder card has anything to contribute. The Sun. Revelation, the road ahead, optimism, growth. After three inverted cards. XD How weird is it that the culmination of that message is a struggle looking at the road behind, when the context card - the card I use to hold my place in the reference book when looking up definitions - represents the road ahead.

Maybe I should try that album out tomorrow. Might be a good time to reclaim some of my past, and prove to myself that these are still beautiful things. Just because they were in proximity to painful things, doesn't mean they themselves should be associated with them. It's tough with music though, music resonates emotion with me so intensely.

Anyway, it's super late. Bed.

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of thoughts #stream of consciousness

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tomitomitomi · 1 year

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tw // depression

sunshine, we don't belong here

we got no flowers to grow

everything makes me so sad lately. Or not sad, just exhausted, maybe both, probably both. It all seems so overwhelming, every little thing towers over me like a death sentence. I think I'm getting depressed again, not in like the quirky tiktok way but in the 'this cannot be ok' kinda way. I've been here before and I know how it feels, yet, I can't bring myself to talk about it. I don't want to admit it. I don't want people to know I'm back at it yet again. Do I have no cure? Sometimes I think not. Everything I feel, I feel too deeply, too strongly, and it just tires me so much. I'd be listening to a song and tears pile up, then I'd be staring at a cloud that it's too pretty and I'd become sad because I can't have the kind of life that it has. I know it sounds stupid, but I guess I'd like to be a concept of some kind. I was talking to Bunny about it today, I told her I'd like to be that feeling you get when you find a little rainbow on the wall or floor and its really nice. I'd like that warmth and simplicity. On the opposite, I know myself to be too fiery and complicated, not delicate in the slightlest.

I think i might be thinking about dying again. It's nothing too strong so I'm not very worried. Some days ago I read that trauma survivors simply enter this passive suicidal mood permanently, like it really never goes away. I don't know if it's true, it could perfectly be a lie, but I gues that's how I feel, too. I've been thinking about harming myself a little. Well I guess I've been even doing it, in very subtle ways. Like, i won't take a shower until I'm disgusted with myself, or I won't turn on the heating and instead let myself be freezing cold for a while. I've been eating lots until I make myself sick. I'm never hungry anymore and food has started to disgust me, but I keep eating, cause that's what I do. I'm so fat and huge that I can't tell if the shortness of breath comes from my size or from the crippling social anxiety that I try so hard to overcome. The only thing I know for sure is that everything makes it hard to breathe. Even thinking. Mostly thinking.

I've also started to scratch my skin more. I've been producing some wounds, nothing too big, nothing that would stand out. I don't consider any of these real self harm because I've been doing stuff like this for years. It's like, if I'm not cutting, then it's ok. And I'm not. I won't. Though I want it, but not too badly. I just toy with the idea every now and then. But it's been years, long years since I last did it and I just know that it would be devastating if I relapsed. I wouldn't be able to stop. It would all go to hell.

Maybe i'd be happier if I had any money, but I know that's also a bad thing to wish for. I'd spend all of it on useless shit and it wouldn't make me feel better, at least not for more than 15 minutes after the purchase. Then I think, 'I'd be fine if I was thin' but then again, I don't feel like I can do it and I'm too embarrassed to even try. I go trough possibilities like dealing a deck of cards, looking for possible reasons. Deep down I know it's just me. There's always a different reason but the constant it's that I'm just too filled with nothingness. It can be temporarily put away, but it never really goes away. It just fades and then comes back, and it's going to be like this until it isn't, because I won't be anymore, either.

I'm not saying I truly want to die or anything. It just makes me exhausted to know I'll have to deal with this time and time again for the rest of my life. It almost makes me wanna quit. I wouldn't, because I know happiness now, too, and I don't wanna lose it. I don't wanna lose my wife or my friends or my family. I don't wanna miss the stories I wouldn't be able to write or read. All the ugly drawings I wouldn't be able to work on.

It's hard cause my life is beautiful and I want to enjoy it so badly. And I even do, sometimes. Some days I really do, but then I ruin it. Or my brain does, i don't know, and it doesn't really matter. It's just fucking depressing to know you have it all going on for you and you're still a (literal) ball of sick, disgusting nothing.

#rant #tomi talks

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moemammon · 3 years

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Alright so my request is angsty-ish. Mc is engaged to someone else when they move for the exchange program and stays faithful during their entire stay, so maybe hcs on how the brothers react to a taken MC who (if they even try to advance) actively avoids romantic situations with them, and maybe a little bonus of them reuniting with their lover smittened.

I tried to request this before but all my asks get eaten so I just wanted to make sure it got through

"What Do You Mean You're Already Taken?!" (Feat the Demon Bros and GN!MC)

(Hell yeah angst time heheHEH >:))

Lucifer

Can you even imagine how Lucifer, the Avatar of Pride, reacted when his obvious advances toward you were always awkwardly brushed off? No matter what he tried, no matter how perfectly romantic the situation, he could never coax you into accepting his affections.

And he soon found out why, when you finally admitted that you were taken by another.

He can't remember the last time he's felt pain like this. He'd finally found someone he could be... vulnerable with. Someone he could open himself up to, who wouldn't see him in a different light as a result.

But to know that no matter what, he'll never be able to have you? It's a worse punishment than he could've imagined himself. He can't do anything but accept it, and you'll soon find that his advances come to a complete vault.

He's a little colder to you, but that's only because he's trying to relearn how to feel about your presence. He asks that you give him some time alone, for a few days. He'll be busy in his office in the time being.

Mammon

God, he's crushed. Mammon... was always aiming to be your first everything. Guess someone beat him to the punch before he could do anything to stop it. It takes everything in him not to accuse you of pulling his leg.

But you can't be serious... right? You're saying that no matter what he does or how strongly he feels, he can never have you? He won't get to hold you against him? He'll never be able to kiss you? To pull you under his sheets so you can sleep your worries away? Never be able to tell you just how much he loves you, more than any material possession in this entire world...?

But... why couldn't you just choose him..?

Mammon doesn't get it. He feels like he's always getting the short end of the bargain no matter what he tries. He knew the stakes were high when he started pining for you. You're... YOU! Perfect, amazing, lovable you... who will never be his.

These days he's barely home. You guys are still 'friends', but sometimes you can't tell if he's teasing you or actually being mean. He can't even stand being around you for too long, because his damned heart starts pounding until it hurts. He'd rather gamble the nights away than to have to deal with that.

Levi

Of course you're taken... it's not like he could've expected otherwise. Someone as great as you wouldn't look good standing with a gross otaku...

Jokes aside, Levi's heart has just shattered into a million pieces. You were his one! The one he dreamed about! The one he wanted to be around, despite his crippling social anxiety!

You got him... No, you REALLY got him. He didn't have to put up any walls when he was with you. He knew you liked him for who he was, and that you weren't secretly making fun of him when he wasn't around.

And... you two actually enjoyed one another's company! You shared so many laughs, so many days together, and just when he thought he'd gathered the courage to ask you to be his, you told him that you were taken.

He'll get over it. He's used to being disappointed, after all. Just don't mind him while he spends the next two weeks holed up in his room. If you need something, do you might just writing a note and slipping it under his door? He can't bear to look at his phone, since it's full of pictures of you.

Satan

Satan didn't mean to cause an outburst like that. He never meant to scare you. But when he realized that all this time spent falling deeper, and hopelessly in love with you, was all for naught? He didn't know how to react.

So many new, strange feelings rushed into him at once, until it all exploded in a fit of rage. Was it really anger? Or was it sorrow so strong that it could've been mistaken as such? He couldn't tell, because he's never felt this way before.

His room had been completely destroyed, many precious books lost to the unstoppable force that was his angry release. And when it subsided he was left feeling empty and lost... scared, even.

Would you think differently of him now? Would he think differently of YOU now? Could this... odd, sick, twisted relationship of yours be mended..? He didn't even know if he had the strength to attempt it.

So he isolates himself from you, spending a great deal of time repairing the damage done to his room. And when that's been finished, he's reading like his life depends on it. In the world of books, he can forget about real life entirely. Is it silly for him to imagine that maybe, some day, everything will work out like in a lighthearted fairytale?

Asmo

So you have a partner? Polygamy is fine too! Or so he thought, until you emphasized that you were loyal to your one and only partner. Meaning.. Asmo wasn't invited to the party.

Now, the Avatar of Lust wasn't exactly one who knew rejection. Sure he got a few 'no's here and there, but those little flings meant nothing and had no weight on his heart.

But you? You... were everything he didn't know he needed. Asmo knew he was beautiful and alluring, but you knew there was more to him than that. And you sought to bring those parts of him out into the light! He could only dream of showing his true self to you and you alone.

Asmodeus felt so secure with you, like the mask he'd been wearing for millennia could finally come off. With you, he could just be himself, and he could never tell you just how much that really meant to him. But now his heart aches with a pain he's never felt before, and it hurts so much that he can't help but cry.

His devilgram followers have been seeing him a LOT more lately. So has all of the devildom, really. He's never home anymore, choosing to fill the void with temporary lovers instead. It isn't enough though, and it only makes the pain worse. But in the end, what more can he do? He doesn't understand what love is without you.

Beel

Beel loved you. More than he could understand. More than he could've known.

When the feeling first blossomed within him, he thought it was hunger. Instead, it was a burning desire for you and only you, twisting in his core and setting his heart on fire.

Beel didn't understand it, but he knew that when you were with him, he could breathe a little easier. He could forget about the gnawing hunter that clouded his thoughts. For once, he actually felt free of his sin.

And then, you told him about your significant ofter, and he’d never felt so hungry in his life. The pain was so strong he thought he might collapse from weakness right then and there. It hurt... he hated it...

To everyone's shock, Beel has begun losing his appetite more frequently, most often after catching a glimpse of you. That familiar pain would sprout within him again and make him grimace, and he could no longer find the desire to eat. Maybe he'd just take his meals to his room from now on..?

Belphie

Right... of course. A human like you would be partnered with a human. It was natural that you'd have relationships before your life in the devildom. Anyone would've known that. So... why the hell did it sting so much?

Belphie couldn't sleep. Every moment he closed his eyes, visions of your sweet smile, your wonderful laugh, the way your nose wrinkled when you ate something gross... all of it haunted him. He couldn't get you out of his head no matter what he tried.

And it was so much worse now that he knew you were taken. He wondered if this was a punishment for killing you, like the universe's way of judging him for his misdeeds, and the ages of hatred he held in his heart for humans. Why would fate allow him to be happily partnered to one?

Try as he might, this was one worry he couldn't sleep away. He could never get comfortable. He couldn't close his eyes without thinking about you. He didn't want this. He hated this feeling of self loathing and regret. Belphagor wanted you, more than he’d ever wanted anything.

Maybe... he could convince you to love him? Show you that his love was so, SO much more than what anyone else could offer? He’d remind you of all the times you two shared together. You're not scared, right? Good. That's the last thing he’d want, because he loves you.

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creatingnikki · 3 years

Text

What 2020 has taught me

1. Those things that seem like content for sci fi or pure fiction are actually things that can happen. To the entire world. Like a pandemic. And to you. Like a seizure.

2. Everyone is sad. Everyone is struggling. In different ways and in different measures. Makes no one special. But you still get to feel sad for yourself and be compassionate towards others. But it's also okay to draw boundaries because you're everyone too. Remember, not special? You're sad and trying to deal with it too.

3. Every job you have will not add value to your life. It will not teach you new things or give you people you'll want to stay in touch with. Sometimes some jobs will only be a season of your life. Even if the season lasts for over a year. It's okay.

4. You know how you thought picking a college and picking a major and picking your first job and picking a specific industry were all the career decisions you had to make? Yeah, no. It's never a one time thing. You could have a job as a marketing strategist for two years and then want nothing to do with it. And then you'll have to make another decision and work towards it. So I'd like to call it moves. It's like chess. You always have to make a move. And it always has to be strategic, yes. But the truth is in your 20s it probably won't. Even if you try. And as long as you're trying, you'll be fine.

5. You may have different sorts of friends like the one you only talk to about kdrama with or the one you met when you went book shopping alone and the friendship is all about books really. That's normal. But irrespective of why and how you became friends with them, if you consider them a friend then there has to be this basic sense of care, respect and empathy for each other. I don't care what people want to say. If you're faced with the worst trauma of your life, the least your friends can do is check up on you regularly. On text. And if they don't even do that then guess what? They aren't friends. They are acquaintances. Social media and quick promises make everyone seem like your friend. But they are not. They are just nice people who will be nice to you for specific periods and then wander away like you are a speck of dust floating in their journey.

6. You speak a lot and write and you express yourself and you’re emotionally mature but oh my god. You still hold in so much. You’ve known that at a subconscious level and over the last year people - experts - have told you that. You have also realized that you make your pain and sadness about pettier things because dealing with them, admitting about them, sharing that with your friends, is easier. You do that so that you don’t have to deal with the real stuff. Because it’s so damn painful. And you don’t know how to do it. Yet. Acknowledging is the first step anyway right? I know you’re confused about how exactly to let go of all this pain and sadness and feel lighter, and you know that talking to people really isn’t the solution, but I also know you’re smart enough to figure it out.

7. Talking about being smart...you know you’re different than others. Better. Special. Smarter. None of these are the right words. And you never voiced this out until this year because you knew it would make you come across as narcissistic. Some would say it’s because you’re an INFJ. But my mother once said that this may be the first time we are consciously living life but our souls are old and so our instinct and the things we know but can’t explain are because this isn’t the first time for our souls. The connections we feel with certain people, the reason we are so different from our siblings who grew up in the exact same environment with the exact same opportunities, our sense of right and wrong...it’s all because our souls learn and grow with each time and that’s why we are who we are. I think that’s probably how I can explain what I have always felt. That I am living in a different universe than everybody but I have to pretend to be in this one and dumb my emotions and thoughts down. Maybe that’s because my soul has lived through thousands of years while most around me are living their 100th life. Or maybe I’m just narcissistic, who knows?

8. You shift between talking in first person and second person but that’s because that’s how you think in your head and talk to yourself and live your life. You ask yourself things and you accuse yourself of things and you apologize to yourself and you comfort yourself. I think that seeps into your writing and the changing of the voices.

9. You always genuinely thought that you’d not be afraid of dying. And then what happened this October proved you shockingly wrong. I know it’s not so much being afraid of dying but the unbearable pain of knowing what that would mean to your family. So you have to be more prudent and less reckless with your life and the choices you make.

10. Regret is not something that plagued you but this year the realisation and pain of giving away your favourite books from your own personal collection to people you care about as a show of affection and them turning out to be ass holes or losers has hit you so hard. So, yes. No more of that shit. I really fucking want my copy of The Perks Of Being A Wallflower back. UGH. With the childhood picture of me inside it!

11. Sleeping at 5 am in the morning stops being fun or romanticised when you realise just how much harm it does to your body and mind. Literally every single disease and disorder can be traced back to a shitty fucking sleep schedule. It’s not just the hours you sleep but also the quality of sleep and the time you sleep at. So yes sleeping for 8 hours is healthy but not if that 8 hours is from 5 am to 12 pm. ‘Not a morning person’ is just another construct of capitalism and you don’t realise how many industries profit from having you believe that and staying up late or all night. Entertainment. Food. Alcohol. Pharma. Biologically and naturally you are a bloody morning person. And you don’t need 3 cups of coffee to begin your day or your phone notifications to get you to open your eyes and brain to wake up.

12. Sometimes you really have to stop taking people so seriously. I know the idea of treating people as casual friends or entertainment makes you want to fight that concept but you know what? Some people like Pineapple are ever only going to be good for that. No matter how much they ‘grow and change’. So keep them in the background for whenever you want some entertainment or drama. But please don’t clear up your busy schedule to meet them or send them gifts on their birthday.

13. If you don’t have the fruit juice or green juice within half an hour of making it then you are losing out on its most optimum health benefits. Or when you remove the white stringy stuff from oranges. That’s where all the actual nutrients are.

14. I am privileged and so are most of the people I interact with. The global pandemic has been hell for a lot of people around the world. Health wise. Financially. Losing people they care about. But I was blessed enough to be safe at home and have a job that I could smoothly do from home and not have a pay cut or 4-hour long Zoom meetings. So honestly when my friends tell me 2020 has been bad I have to stop and ask them why? Yes, the crippling uncertainty and anxiety is not something that can be undermined. But most people I know had very great positive life-changing milestones this year like moving away to another country for college or taking their first solo trip or getting married. So I have to ask them. Because I am not going to agree that everybody’s 2020 and pandemic narrative is the same.

15. Money gets spent really quickly. When I left my job earlier this year because of personal issues, I thought I had enough savings to last me a year. Full disclosure - I mean to last my personal expenses because I live with my parents. But it didn’t even last me 3 months. And so to use money wisely and buy things that provide utility than instant gratification is something to follow. Also buying one pair of really expensive but quality shoes is better than buying 5 pairs of affordable but low quality shoes that will have a very short life and force you to buy more. I know that higher price doesn’t always mean better quality but sometimes it does. And as an adult now I want to do the whole quality > quantity thing even with things and not just people.

16. Everyone in their 20s went through a crisis of what they should do with their lives and their careers and it’s not unique to the 21st century and the challenges of today. Whether it was Vincent Van Gogh in the 19th century or Sylvia Plath in the 20th, every single person, as brilliant as them went through the torture of making these decisions and living with their consequences. You may think I picked wrong examples for they both killed themselves but you know what? They were the people who really want to live more than anyone. They knew what life meant. And maybe if mental health help was more accessible back then their lives would be longer and more peaceful.

17. Telling people everything is overrated. You don’t have to talk about every single thing that’s on your mind or that’s going on in your life. The good and the bad and the mediocre. You have to be mindful about how much of yourself you’re giving away.

18. Re-watch Suits when people at work feel intimidating because the confidence + negotiation tactics that they show can actually work irl cos at the end of the day no matter in what position you’re dealing with people who have emotions and fears and insecurities and desires. You understand how to leverage that nobody can get the better of you.

19. You belong to yourself. No matter how much you love someone or how much they have done for you or how much you owe them - you belong to yourself. You can’t live your life for someone else. Everyone belongs to themselves first. No relationship, no promise, no circumstance should make you feel like you have to give up your life and make it all about them. If and when the time comes to die for them, go ahead. Take a bullet. Donate that kidney. Write them in your will. But live your life for yourself. And let them live theirs.

20. Twenty three was a challenging year. When it started you claimed the age 23 sounds boring and insignificant. Guess it proved you wrong. It hurt so much now. But that only means you’ll look back on it later and see how it added so much wisdom and resilience to your being. It doesn’t mean that it makes all the bad things that happened to you okay. Or that you should be grateful to them. Fuck no. It means that you should be kinder to yourself because at the end of the day, your mind and body find it in themselves to deal with whatever is thrown their way. They have your back. It’s time you learn to sit straight.

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heavensickness · 2 years

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I think you might have mentioned in a text post recently that you wonder if you should have gone to law school but not because you really want to but because it seems like you should have. I felt exactly this same way and am now finishing up my first semester of law school. I have never been more miserable in my life. The balance between “I’m a genius I love academia” and “I’m crippled by demons and have to actually crawl under my bed to stabilize myself amongst constant stress” is a nightmare. The debt is so overwhelming I think I would rather die than drop out and be crushed under it. I keep thinking about what you said about why a simple life can’t be good enough. I was a server at a cozy restaurant who travelled a lot and was surrounded by loving friends. I felt this sick impending disappointment in myself that left me terrified of being old, poor, and unfulfilled. I was convinced I was meant for more. I moved to the opposite side of the country alone for law school. I can’t stop now and yet I keep thinking about my simple life I gave up. But it’s like I made a silly wish and am being punished by being given exactly what I wanted but also nothing good at all. I’m excelling in school and have a new social circle here and am a representative for a prestigious club. But it’s like I’m a marionette acting out all the things I was convinced I wanted, while internally I’m terrified and crushingly unhappy. I’m 24 and won’t be in my career until my late 20s, but I’m still among the younger half of my class. Idk what I’m even trying to tell you, except that I understand that fear of choosing the wrong future. I guess no matter what we choose we’re haunted by the potential of the life we lost. Wether you choose a simpler career or decide to do something like law school, the life we don’t get to live seems rosy and romantic in comparison. I don’t know if I chose wrong or if there even is a wrong choice. The only comfort I have in my choice is that it’s not impossible to start over in five, ten, or even twenty years. I think the possibility of choosing a different life never leaves, even if our choice feels permenant. If it gives you any solace, I am also scared. It’s scary to bet on any decision we make that seems to determine our life. Either way those five, ten, twenty years will come to pass. I think eventually neither one of us will be afraid anymore.

Anon I wish I could put my emotions into words right now, I am close to tearing up but not because I feel negative. I feel bittersweet to know that I am not alone, and I hope you know that you are not alone either. I am 23 years old and except the fact that I haven't had a job before and am suffering from a constant anxiety because of it, we are basically in the same situation. Maybe I am like you from a year ago... And you are right, the hunger for more never ends. Humans are greedy, we always want more & never settle down for what we have, but always chase what we could've been. Another big part in this situation is the constant disillusion and dissatisfaction the modern society brings, never being content & always looking up instead of seeing what is actually ahead of you etc. "I guess no matter what we choose we’re haunted by the potential of the life we lost." This really resonated with me, I was thinking the exact same thing. Also thank you again for reminding me that we can always start, and it is not too late. My friend from university dropped out of an prestigious engineering school at 23 at his own will, started literature program with us at 24, and now he's in the master program at the age of 28. And he was the top student of our department! I think about him a lot and I hope his story also reminds you that we are not too late or too old for anything, ever. This message is scrambled but so is my mind these days, so I'm sorry that I couldn't give an organized answer to your ask. Just know that, I will keep this ask with me and I wish the very best for both of us. I mean it.

#keep

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silvysartfulness · 3 years

Text

I've gotten a whole bunch of new followers since I started making The Untamed content about a year ago, and I think it may be a good time to introduce myself and this blog to the newcomers.

Hi! ♥

I'm glad you find this chaotic mess entertaining enough to want to stick around!

That said, if you don't feel comfortable with who I am and/or what I post, just unfollow at any time, no explanations needed.

I'm Silvy, I'm a Fandom Old, 40+, and have been involved in online fandom since the late 90ies.

I'm neurodivergent, Aspie/ADHD and some spare change. I hyperfocus on things, and love to analyze fictional characters and tropes, especially things to do with the messiness and complexities of human nature and emotion. At the moment, as should be obvious, I live in the The Untamed universe, especially the Yi City corner. (You don't get emotions much messier and more complex than that!)

I have always been fascinated by ”villains” - the people who don't act like others do, who are different, and who hurt people, sometimes without meaning to. (Sometimes very much meaning to.)

I love redemption arcs. I've grown to realize there's a this recent phenomenon happening online where people claim certain fictional characters don't ”deserve” them. I think that's utter bullshit, and an extremely negative and destructive mindset to have. People should always have the chance to change and do better. Everyone makes mistakes. Some worse than others. But while no one ”deserves” forgiveness, unless it's freely given, everyone should have the chance to change, move on and be better.

I have always been fascinated by fiction as a medium to explore the messiness of humanity. Of how people hurt each other and heal each other and grow either way. The mess of who people end up loving, or hating, or - bittersweetly - both at once. In my opinion, that is the very purpose of fiction – the mirror held up to explore our own humanity, without suffering any of the negative consequences of reality. Yes, that includes the really problematic stuff. Yes, all the problematic stuff. Fiction is not reality.

I have 100% understanding for people who don't want to watch or read certain things – don't self-harm by engaging with content and creators that makes you angry and upset! I also have 0% patience with people demanding others conform to their particular standards of purity. It's everyone's responsibility to curate their own online experience. Haters will be blocked.

I'm queer (no, queer is not a slur.) Non-straight, asexual, married to another woman for 6 years now. I'd say a majority of my best friends are trans or otherwise non-cis. If you’re cis and find trans/non-binary/intersex/non-gender conforming etc people strange and frightening, by all means – stick around! I reblog quite a lot of trans-positive content. Maybe it'll offer insights! Any TERF-rhethoric will be blocked and shut down on sight, though. This is a safe space.

I'm Swedish. Socialism works. Just saying. 👍

These are simple facts – if any of the above is a dealbreaker, just click unfollow and everyone will probably be happier in the long run. :)

The less problematic stuff: I'm a professional illustrator, though currently on more or less permanent sick leave. Despite sometimes crippling social anxiety, I also ended up teaching art classes - Life Drawing and Concept Art - at the local university, and was often told I was one of their most popular and well-liked guest teachers. I'm self-taught as a writer, though I am a sponge when it comes to prose and language, so for any skills I have picked up over the years, I can only thank those whose works I have read throughout my life.

I like trying my hand at most creative crafts; painting, woodcarving, glasspainting, pewter pouring, looking to try out resins soon maybe..? I take tons upon tons of pictures. If you know me better, you have probably been exposed to my random ”Look at pretty thing X I saw today!” photo-assault. (It's a love language. ♥)

I used to study archaeology at university for years, before sidling over into a creative career as a museum-illustrator, and then onward to other projects from there. It's amazing what a 100.000+ year view on humanity will do for your sense of perspective! People are people. People have always been people. We are all one people - and diversity in culture, ethnicity and language is one of the most beautiful arts of our human race. Our differences and samenesses always to be equally celebrated. (Now if we could only get better at looking back and learn from previous civilizations' mistakes so we'd stop repeating them...)

I like cats. And betta fish. And purple roses (I used to collect purple rose cultivars, before I got too fatigued to be able to take care of my garden properly. Some still live! Rhapsody In Blue is a trooper, if you want a really hardy purple rose! They can even live in pots, if you don't have a garden.)

(See, I told you I could never resist a chance to share a photo...)

I am very, very forgetful. I got my neurodivergence diagnoses very late in life, and by then my brain was so burned out, it's permanently damaged. Fatigue, memory problems and concentration issues are things I always struggle with. If I ghost you, it's not because I'm upset or dislike you – I either missed your message, or forgot about it, or just didn’t know what to say. I'm sorry. I'm trying my best. ♥

I believe in kindness.

I try to be kind and understanding, and meet others with patience. It's taken me a lifetime fraught with generous amounts of trauma to learn to feel strong, comfortable and mostly at peace with myself, and I have very little interest in conflict or drama.

That's about it, Silvy all summed up.

Wishing all you a happy weekend!

#long post #longpost

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remmushound · 3 years

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Hello! I have another request. Could you do a story where 2012 Donnie decides to use the Rise!Turtles' weapons for a test drive without their permission? I imagine 2012 Donnie trying to figure what kind of materials it has in order to create the mystic weapons and testing it out. But then things goes wrong and he attempted to fix it but can't. Bet the Rise!Turtles won't be so happy at Rise!Donnie's counterpart for taking their weapons without their permission.

@assanmaharielsreblogs

He had to get a better look at them. I mean, when else was he gonna get a chance like this one? In his world there was no magic— there was tech far behind his understanding, sure, but that was still tech. Tech that someone engineered, using their own knowledge, for a specific purpose. But here? It was all over the place! Just one patrol using Donatello’s goggles had keyed him into hundreds of mystical hotspots all around the city! He had seen their weapons in action, but he needed to see them closely— in controlled settings under a microscope! To see the inner workings and try to replicate them! If he could get his hands on that kinda tech, then he and his brothers would be unstoppable! And these guys were just using them like toys! Well, not on Donnie’s watch!

Michelangelo’s kusari-fundo had been a difficult thing to snatch. The box turtle was sleeping with the thing on his bed, hugging the weapon like it were a toy. If Donnie hadn’t known better, he’d have said the blades looked almost soft. Michelangelo snored just like Donnie’s Mikey did, tucked under a soft, fluffy comforter and dressed in an orange unicorn onesie. Mikey shared the bed with him (as did Leonardo with Leo and Raphael with Raph), but the older box turtle was sleeping like a rock.

Donnie carefully pried the tool from Michelangelo’s grip with the skill and delicate touch of a true ninja, quickly replacing it with a stuffed animal. Michelangelo gave a soft groan at the disturbance, but quickly hugged the toy as he settled once more. Donnie grinned and looked at the weapon in his hand. Staring into the slick, painted surface, Donnie almost thought he saw an eye staring back at him. He quickly shook his head, looked back, and the eye was gone. Just his mind playing a trick. Leonardo was next.

******

“What are you doing?”

Donnie almost screamed. “Wha— what are you doing awake?!”

Leonardo crossed his arms and glared, his face remarkably bare without his mask and only slightly stifled by a blue nightcap.

“I’m a ninja with crippling insomniac tendencies— sue me.” Leonardo said calmly. “What are you doing with my sword?”

“Uh.” Donnie glanced between Leonardo and the katana he was holding, “nothing?”

“Nothing?” Leonardo scrutinized with a piercing gaze that seemed to call Donnie out in his lie

Donnie hesitated, then sighed. He gave a light laugh and ran his hand across his head. “S-sorry! Just panicked. Other Donnie wants to uh. See if he can use some of the mystic energy from your katana to reverse-engineer a rift for us to get home— me and my brothers, I mean.”

“Ooookay.” Leonardo’s eyes betrayed his distrust, but he didn’t say a word against it, “just ask next time, okay?”

“Yeah. Will do.”

********

Getting the Tonfa from Raphael was nerve wracking. Access to Donatello’s staff was easy— Donnie already had permission to examine and admire its inner workings, so his touch was programmed into the systems anti-theft database as a non-threat. Michelangelo’s kusari-fundo required stealth, sure, and Leonardo’s sword required cunning, but this? This required him escaping with the Tonfa and from the crushing bite of a genetic predator. No matter how calm and content he acted while awake, after that first night’s run-in with savage Raph, Donnie was more than cautious to avoid another similar outburst. Lucky for him, the Tonfa were hung up at a safe distance from the snapper on the wall, and Raphael’s snoring drowned out any noise he might have made.

And just like that, Donnie had everything he needed for a test run. Of course, he was far more skilled with the familiar bō staff than with any of the other weapons (past experience had taught him just how difficult learning a new weapon could be, nevertheless mystic ones), so naturally Donatello’s bō was the first one to try out. Though it itself wasn’t of mystic origin, Donatello had stated many times of the mystic enhancements that made the weapon flourish from a simple multi-tool to what could classify as a weapon of mass destruction.

“Okay...” the staff, despite its greater size to the one he was used to, was surprisingly light in comparison. A quick weigh-in brought it to only fifteen pounds which, given the amount of tech it carried, was an incredible feat. Just how his younger counterpart could manage such a thing seemed almost impossible to the older Donnie’s mind, but that only served to scratch his curiosity even more! There were so many buttons on the shaft he didn’t even know where to start...

He went for the biggest button first out of pure, childish curiosity. This curiosity led to the worse possible outcome as the end of the bō furrowed out and turned into a compact rocket, which turned sideways on itself and shot out sparks of power. Donnie tried to catch himself, but it was too late. Already the power of the launcher dragged him off his feet and forced his unprepared body into a spin. It took his mind a few seconds to catch up with his body and press the same button to withdraw the blaster.

“Note to self... big button bad. Shoulda known that.”

From them on, he was much more careful with his examine. Every press of a button was met with a brace-for-impact in case a similar issue occurred, but he thankfully avoided such an outcome. One button shot a burst of electricity out the opposite side of the bō from where the blaster was, while another button shot two reinforced wings out either side to form a glider. Another button produced a blade on either side of the staff, and another revealed a compartment filled with gauze and alcohol thread and a needle safely tucked into a surgical pouch— an emergency kit, he supposed. He remembered Donatello also having a much bigger one in his battle shell, so this turtle obviously came prepared. Another compartment had a pair of glasses and a bottle of ibuprofen.

“Wow. No such thing as traveling light, I guess.”

He put the bō staff safely to the side before grabbing the Tonfa next. He placed both Tonfa on the table and the first thing he did was examine one of them under the microscope. It was nothing special— just redwood, as far as he could see— albeit old enough to date back to ancient Japan and perhaps even further. Then he put on Donatello’s goggles and looked at the Tonfa through the lenses, which opened up a whole new world of beauty to the normal-looking weapons.

The Tonfa lit up an impossible red, and on the screen appeared the word Muladhara. The red chakra— the root chakra as Donnie knew it best, represented by a red lotus with four petals. Vitality and strength. Instinctual tendencies and the densest of all seven chakras. The more his mind worked it over, the more it made sense. Muladhara was Raphael down to the finest detail. It commands attention and can be forceful at times. The color of passion and love and determination— the color of anger and daring. A color and chakra associated with abandonment and inherited trauma...

Donnie didn’t want to think about it anymore. And he didn’t dare try to activate the weapons knowing their power. He sat them aside and moved onto Leonardo’s katana.

Like the Tonfa, they were nothing special at first glance. Blades made from tamahagane steel common in ancient Japan, and the Tsuka was as unique as every tsuka, covered in ray skin and silken rope, with writing from the first ever wielder of the blade.

Anatawa Hitorijanai... you are not alone.

Under the goggles, another new vision of the mystic weapon opened up for him. The blue chakra of course— Vishuddha. The throat chakra. It took a lot more critical thought than with Raphael’s weapons, but Donnie supposed that the chakra could fit Leonardo. The balance of Vishuddha would speak truthfully, encouraging conversation and relying on self expression. Speaking with confidence and feeling compassion for those around you— communicating your worries even when you were scared to... but an unbalanced Vishuddha with no way to express it could easily lead to the anxiety Leonardo often felt in social settings. Perhaps his chakra was underactive, or blocked completely, by the feeling of something... unfulfilled in his life.

Donnie had more confidence experimenting with the teleporting sword than he did with the Tonfa. He wouldn’t have to go through it himself, he figured— he could just toss something through and study how it worked. He picked up the blade and looked it over before holding it out to the air in front of him. Leonardo had told him that he had to have a very clear image in his mind— no other thoughts clouding it. Any mistake or misthought could lead to an unstable portal, and unstable portals were extremely dangerous. You could get trapped between rifts, or get portal jacked, or end up hundreds of miles away from where you intended! Donnie closed his eyes to better imagine the room in front of him. Every fine detail... every flaw and crack and puddle and crawl space... every bug skittering around and every sound and every smell surrounding him like a cloud of mist.

He traced the blades point through the air and he was sure he could feel some minor resistance, but he kept focusing on the room. Droplets falling on the stone floor... forming puddles...echoing down the tunnels...

He completed the circle and opened his eyes. Immediately he pulled back as the brightest shade of turquoise almost blinded him, and after a moment of shielding his eyes he finally forced himself to look toward the brightness. The circle wasn’t perfect. In fact, the rift itself seemed almost squiggly, as if distorted by water. Distorted, but hopefully functional. Donnie took a pen out of his tool belt and reluctantly approached the portal, resisting against the temptation of its mystic pull and holding out the pen ready to throw it in. Then another thought occurred to him. What if he just…

He dropped the pen. At first the pen made as if it was going to fall but stopped midair by some otherworldly force. Then it was drawn to the portal and through it with a bubbling noise as it disappeared. Then another rift came to existence above Donnie and, before he could do anything more than look up to it, the pen fell out and hit him on the head.

“Ow.” It didn't hurt, but he said it anyway as he picked up the pen and put it back where it belonged. Curious. Very curious…

He took the sword and slashed through the original portal, destroying both it and its awkward counterpart with nothing more than a soft blip as the magic returned to the blade. There, no harm done! Now all that was left was Michelangelo’s.

A long chain, surprisingly rust-free for how far back it dated. The previous owners must have taken extreme care to keep it in the shape it was in. A chain that, despite how flexible and controlled it looked in Michelangelo’s skilled hands, was short and almost stiff in Donnie’s. The weighty was only on one end, as opposed to both as would be used with most kusari-fundo. A round weight with a ring of spikes across it. Donnie gave one point an experimental poke and yelped as it broke the skin and he started to bleed.

“Another note to self— pointy bit sharp.” He examined the serrated edges a bit longer before moving onto the goggle-inspection.

The sacral chakra, as Donnie had expected. Swadisthana, the orange chakra located in the lower belly. Connected to empathy and intimacy, pleasure both sensual and sexual. Creativity, fantasies, feelings. Everything that made up Michelangelo. An imbalance could lead to someone with boundary issues… yes, definitely Michelangelo, Donnie added to himself with a slight snort as he remembered just how clingy and touchy this world’s Michangelo’s was. At least his world’s always directed that touch-hunger to Raph or Leo and not to him.

A carving on the side of the weight caught Donnie’s attention and he spun it around to get a better view. The design was very faint, but it was there. It looked almost like a smiley face with closed eyes, something Donnie figured to have been added quite recently by Michelangelo. But further examination of it showed that the carving was old, as old as the weight itself, and installed by a previous owner. He even doubled and triple checked just to be sure he wasn’t seeing things.

Now all that was left to do was test it out. He had minor experience with chain weapons (the likes of which still haunted him to his day and made him give an uncomfortable shiver) and it wasn’t like he was actually going to fight with it! He was just going to test out the weight distribution and how effective it would be during fights since he had yet to see any of the other-world counterparts in battle.

He grabbed the handle securely, nodding at the nice distribution he was already feeling. He was just about to take a swing when he remembered the goggles still on his face and decided to take them off first, in case they somehow screwed with any of his data. He did so and turned to swing the kusari-fundo once more until something else this time stopped him in his tracks.

The glow didn't stop. He had taken off the mystic sensors and he tapped his head just to be sure! But the glow didn't stop. The smiling face was a much more prominent yellow against the orange, and Donnie was sure its eyes had been closed before…

The pupils in the eyes moved to stare at him and Donnie screamed and dropped the weapon in horror as he crawled back against the wall. The weapon pursued. On it’s own with no master or anything physical to command it. It drifted up and it’s living, flaming eyes followed Donnie’s every move. He made an experimental motion toward the door and the weapon made the same motion as it readied to pursue until Donnie returned to his original position.

The thud of approaching feet sealed Donnie’s fate in stone. Seconds later, seven mutant turtles poked their heads into the room, three of them armed and the other four looking confused and concerned by their lack of weapons.

“Donnie?” Leo tried to make a motion to approach his brother, but quickly withdrew out of the room when the kusari-fundo gave a warning spark. “The hell’s that thing?”

“Sparky!” Michelangelo ran into the room confidently with his arms extended, his brothers spilling in after him.

“Wait, no!”

Donnie awaited a terrifying assault that didn't happen. Instead, the fiery weapon subsided it’s flame and fell swiftly through the air to land in Michelangelo's arms. Michelangelo cuddled it closely and churred as he covered the tiny face in kisses.

Finally able to breath, Donnie went to part from the wall, but was stopped by a rough hand the size of his plastron.

The anger in Raphael’s eyes was uncanny. “You have a lot of explaining to do…”

#tmnt fic #rottmnt #Tmnt 2012 #fanfic #Tmnt #rottmnt donnie #rise raphael #rottmnt leo #rottmnt mikey

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mediaeval-muse · 3 years

Text

Life update and stuff. Feel free to scroll past - I won’t be mad.

I want to first apologize to the people who I know IRL and who are “internet friends” - people I talk to but haven’t really met IRL. I know I haven’t been very responsive for the past year and a half or so. Here’s why.

The year leading up to my dissertation defense in May 2020 was a little rough, but not too bad. It wasn’t until the defense that something in me snapped. I had to defend over Zoom because of the pandemic, and the impersonal feeling combined with the lack of celebration, the lack of being able to be hooded, etc. was disappointing. But it wasn’t just that - I also graduated at the worst possible time and couldn’t find any job in academia, so I had to move out-of-state to be supported entirely by my partner.

I realize I’m very privileged. My partner’s job wasn’t affected (he’s an essential worker in the field of pharmaceutical testing) and my partner makes enough money to support us both comfortably. But something about losing my entire community and being shut out of a field I really, REALLY wanted to be in was a lot to handle. Especially since I didn’t feel like I got a sense of closure.

After I “graduated,” my university no longer provided me with health insurance, so my partner and I had to rush to get married so I could be covered by his insurance and not experience any gaps in coverage. While I appreciated that our wedding wasn’t a big party with a lot of people, it also wasn’t really done on my terms, and I was admittedly a little salty about that. I’m very grateful that a very close friend officiated the ceremony and we could stream it to friends and family, but I was disappointed that I couldn’t have people I care about there (save for my parents and my partner’s parents).

I struggled to find a job after that. No one was hiring, and academia was going to shit. I eventually got an independent contracting job in July 2021, but to date, I’ve been paid less than $1000. It’s not a good source of income. Luckily, I was contacted by a recruiter at my partner’s company, so I might be getting an interview there, so maybe things will turn around if I can land the job.

We’re also looking to buy ya house because rent has gone up so much that it’s basically the same amount as a mortgage payment. Again, I know I’m privileged to be able to do this. I still find the process frustrating, as the housing market is still extremely competitive and we’ve already been outbid on 3 houses so far.

I started volunteering for a local climate organization, and that has been going well so far. I work on their monthly newsletter, though I had to stop doing their Twitter outreach because lately, doomerism on social media and exaggerated science has triggered panic attacks.

But perhaps the biggest struggle has been with my mental health. I finally started seeing a therapist for crippling anxiety and depression, which, in the last year and half, has fixated on climate change and feeling like the world is doomed. My mental health has been so poor lately that I have trouble doing things I like (like playing video games or drawing) and have been struggling to eat more than a coffee and a Pop Tart a day, and I’ve been compulsively seeking out and posting climate stories on my Facebook. I was having between 2-6 panic attacks per week, though lately, my therapist and I have gotten it down to 0-2 or 0-3. My therapist treated me for anxiety and depression for a few months before telling me that some of my symptoms resemble OCD, so although I haven’t received a diagnosis, I’m being treated as if I have OCD to see if that works. I’m currently not on any meds, as the therapist I see is part of a practice that focuses on holistic therapy. I don’t have anything against medication - this is just the practice that was in my insurance company’s pool. My therapist also isn’t anti-med and tells me when she thinks we’ve hit a wall and we should consider meds (I don’t want anyone dragging my therapist - she’s good and very honest). I haven’t sought out a primary care physician to get a prescription, though, for reasons that waver between being too lazy and still feeling like I don’t have “real problems.”

I’m sorry to my IRL and internet friends for not really telling you all this sooner. I probably won’t put this info on my other social media for a while, just because I don’t really want to talk about it other than making this post.

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baby-turtles · 3 years

Note

omg i loved that!! please continue with their story!

I’m sorry if this is so crummy … was kinda stuck with where to go with the story. Feel free to send concepts of what you’d like.

Part 2

—————

Arriving home was the usual process of waiting around exiting the plane, collecting baggage heading through customs, I then prayed no media was around just family waiting.

I walked through the international exit I had a quickly scanning the area around thankfully no immediate crazy paparazzi or media waiting around, that I could see. My mum stood there with a big welcome home sign my brother by her side huge smiles on their faces.

As we left the airport I opened my messages to see numerous messages from Grayson and my friends demanding to know what was going on. I immediately called Grayson to let him know I had arrived safely and was on the way home. He apologised profusely for the paparazzi and article hoping it had not effected my arrival home and to be honest it hadn’t really in the sense everything was fine as far as I knew but I also knew I would have to respond to my friends and let them know what was going on. I’d decided once I got home and had a chance to shower, relax and catch a breath I would explain everything to my friends but it was too late as our car pulled up into the drive way I was bombarded with my two best friends waiting at my door. Unbeknown to me there was also a car across the street with a man and his wide lens camera, capturing my arrival home the chaos my best friends were unleashing and my mum snd brother struggling with my luggage, before heading home and promising to be back the following day.

“Welcome home bitch!! What the fuck!” “Yes!!! What clauds said. We’re you not going to say anything? You’re literally all over the explore page on instagram!!”

Yes that’s how you want to be greeted home after a 14 hour flight full of crippling anxiety. But these are my best friends Claudia and Olivia 18 years of friendship between us so I kinda expected it considering my big secret.

“I know, I’m sorry you both have questions and I promise you I have answers but not out here, I need to shower.” I pleaded pulling them into the house. Before noticing the silver Toyota driving off.

“Ok fine we’ll allow it, but you’re insane we hope you know that. Do you know what kind of gossip storm is already brewing on our socials! People we haven’t even spoken to in like 10 years are resharing the photos! Like EMILY!!”

“I figured, I’m sure there will be more too. Did either of you see the silver car across the road when you got here?”

“Mmm no, just your neighbours, why?”

“Nothing never mind. I’ll be back in 10 Im not washing my hair but I need to freshen up, make yourselves at home, as always”

With that I was off to the shower messaging Grayson to let him know I believed someone had already found my house and let him know my girl friends were with me so you weren’t alone. He sent a soppy message in response about how much he missed and loves you. Also that sledge hadn’t stopped whining since he’d come home from the airport, he also reminded not to worry as his people were dealing with it all and that probably laying low for the next couple day until he arrived would be for the best.

As I walked out of the bathroom to the laundry i could hear both girls in the kitchen scavenging for food and complaining at the lack of options you had to offer them in such a crisis.

“You both know I haven’t been here for months clearly I’m not going to have many options to eat” you laughed watching them check all your cupboards.

“Well that’s not good enough in this crisis, we’re ubering Chinese and wine so get talking” Claudia sassed

“Well what do you want to know?” I knew this was going to be a lot for them to take in and weren’t sure you were prepared for their reactions when you eventually revealed what was going on.

“You know me I’m going to keep it simple and Claudia is going to interrogate. Firstly before the interrogation is it serious?”

“I know and I’m ready, but I don’t know if you’re both ready so can we sit in the lounge so we can all be comfortable for my interrogation” I responded before collapsing onto the couch.

“Yes it’s very serious” saying it out aloud made the necklace feel even heavier around your neck.

“Okay so how did you meet him?”

“Tinder, and yes I know I said I would never but everyone was in relationships I was on my own as always and I knew you were both over me complaining so I bit the bullet signed up and found him. To be honest I did initially think he was a catfish but he wasn’t and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been”

“So this has been going on a while then?”

“Well yeah we started talking a year and 2 months ago. We’ve been official for at least 11 months.”

“When you went to America for 2 weeks that was what”

“It was us meeting for the first time and him convincing me I shouldn’t end what we had because we live long distance, he made it official then.” Trying to hide your smile remembering the two weeks of bliss shared was so hard.

“Has he been to Australia in that time?”

“No he’s coming this week so everyone can meet him, well mum and marcus have already met him ‘cos as you know they were in LA for a couple weeks with me”

“So the fams in on it too, I see… What are their thoughts…” this was it, I took my necklace off held the ring in my hand and continued.

“They both love him and his family, given their blessing. They all get along so well, I can’t wait for you both to meet him. Especially because we’re going to have to enact our maid of honour pact.” A pact we made as 16 year olds dreaming of our perfect weddings only to realise we could only have one maid of honour so we made a pact. I would be Claudia’s, Claudia would be Olivia’s and Olivia would be my maid of honour.

In the midst of their screams of horror, happiness, emotion and commotion the door bell saved me for a moment to catch my breath getting our food and wine before, re-entering the madness.

“You’re getting married!!” “Where’s the ring?” “Is it going to be here?” “Holy fuck. This isn’t real!” “Is it?” I just put out my hand ring heavy on my finger tears in my eyes. Thats it. It is actually real. I’m going to be marrying Grayson Dolan.

#grayson dolan #dolantwins #grayson bailey dolan #grayson dolan concept #my writing #graysonfanfic #grayson blurb

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athingofvikings · 4 years

Text

One thing I haven’t really seen talked about regarding AO3 is how it lets you curate your experience as an author.

By which I specifically mean comment management.

In the three years that I’ve been posting A Thing Of Vikings at AO3, I’ve gotten a massive amount of response--my eponymous flagship fic is currently in the top fifty most commented fics on the whole site, and at the rate I’m going, I might break the top ten by next year. Now, I make a point of responding to (nearly) every review, so there is that skew, but still, I have over three thousand unique review threads.

And it’s all handled through your account inbox.

You can see which comments are oldest or newest. Which ones you haven’t responded to, or have. You can delete them from your inbox (which does not delete them from the fic), or go and remove them from your stories.

And that last one is so valuable.

Over at FFnet, I was also posting until last month, and I got a lot of hate. A LOT. Like, we’re talking racial slurs and death threats level of hate over the last few months, but even before that, I got trolls and worse on the regular--and when it came from a signed-in account, unless you went through a mildly complicated deletion process, those reviews just stayed. So I would have reviews telling me that I was writing garbage, or that I should have my hands be crippled for life, or homophobes and other bigots just pissing all over my hard work for their amusement, and no way to remove them short of using a system hack (or deleting the fic from the site entirely, which is what I ended up doing).

That isn’t the case at AO3.

At AO3, you can delete comments. And, sure, that tool can be abused, like any tool, it is also so valuable for curating your experience as a writer.

In the last three years, I’ve deleted the reviews of three prolific reviewers at AO3 from my story because just seeing them was triggering.

The first set was from someone I thought was my friend; they reviewed every chapter up through chapter 55 with essentially stream-of-reaction reviews... and then I dared criticize a massive plot hole in the last season of the television series. As a result, I was suddenly ghosted. No more reviews, bookmarks deleted, blocked on Discord, blocked on Tumblr, etc. And hello turbocharged social anxiety!

So after thinking it over, I deleted those reviews, because they were triggering.

I deleted the reviews of a former beta reader who--I realized too late--was a genteel but inflexible Fandom Policer who lectured me on how I Should Write The Story, because, again, seeing those reviews was triggering my anxiety.

And I’ve just deleted the reviews of an emotional vampire who catfished me by claiming that he was a big fan of my writing; turns out he never read it, but once he had me hooked, he was happy to eat up hours of my time to talk about his favorite subjects: himself and his writing. Once he got caught and I cut him off, he tried to manipulate me into making myself vulnerable to him again by actually starting to read, going through the fic and reviewing chapter by chapter. So I’ve nuked those too (which is what made me think of writing this post).

And it’s just so valuable to be able to go, “If reviews are a gift, then these are toxic gifts from a stalker or former friend that I need to be able to get rid of for the sake of my mental health.”

And that’s something that AO3 provides right out of the box.

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alch3mic · 3 years

Note

(nervously wanders in) hello I'm joining in on this group collaboration of telling you how wonderful of a person you are,

Maybe it was obvious based on the huntsy fic I wrote (if you even remember this lol) but i was that anon a while back now saying how relatable the fic plot for the first part of huntsman was for me with the whole stalker situation. Although like i feel like I talk about this a lot (and definitely use it commonly in my writing lol) your works definitely helped with me accepting what happened rather than regretting it or thinking I could have done something else. I only first followed cause I thought your art was really cute, and honestly once I realized your work was yandere-themed, I considered unfollowing since everything yandere since then had been really damaging to me. But I decided to stick around regardless, and I don't regret it. You're honestly one of the kindest people I've seen, and the fact that you're determined to make the skeleboys dedicated and forgiving despite being yandere really speaks a lot. I also adore party of six, though I've not talked about it as much; it's my go-to fic when I'm not in a good mood because it always puts a smile on my face. I also adore how you've included world building in it as well despite it overall being a fluffy poly fic! Not many do that and it's wonderful to see, esp since I'm a sucker for world building haha.

Of course too, like many others here, you've also motivated me to write a lot more lately, too, haha. Your work is honestly a different writing style than I've ever seen before, but it's so incredibly vocal and emotional with its timing and spacing that it's really like hit me as like "Oh, this is it, the perfect writing style I've been looking for." Esp since I struggle with reading.. which is ironic since i love writing lol... But your writing is so well paced and spaced that it feels more like I'm hearing someone retell the story using the characters' voices and direct emotions. I especially love the parts in huntsman where huntsy gets so caught up in his head that his thoughts go out of control and then it just. Stops. And he forces himself to calm down. It really writes his character incredibly well and definitely help to lead to the point where he messed up. It is kinda funny how he's a character that feels nothing and yet lets his emotions get the best of him lol but honestly, sometimes I'm kinda the same lmao

Aaaaa this is getting too long so I'm gonna cut myself short before I write you a 5 page essay double spaced in 12 pt font. All in all, I adore your work and you as a person, and part of me wants to be closer friends but agdhs idk im bad at approaching people haha,, keep up what you're doing!!!💕💕💕

UWAHAHAUGHAHHHHHHH! this is so...!!! i don’t even know what to say! thank you! thank you! thank you! this is just so thought out and sweet and i’m just gonna go lay down and maybe cry just a bit because AHHHHHHHH NOW I FEEL LIKE A HUGE POTATO!!

of course i remember that anon! i was really so happy my writing was able to make such an impact in a positive way to someone at the time and now i’m even more happy that it helped not only to comfort but inspire you to write more!!! that is like the one thing i always wish whenever someone reads my writing is to either bring a sense of comfort (which is why it makes me so freakin’ happy to say you love po6 because it’s my comfort writing) or to inspire them! writing became such an important part of my life as a way to express myself both when i was younger and especially now that i’ve taken it up again, so if i can inspire anyone to take a chance at writing something it’s like the biggest compliment in the world to me! it’s really because of your and everyone’s amazing support that i’ve been feeling so encouraged to take my quirky writing style and keep running with it too so thank you for always commenting and giving me your thoughts on my work it’s been so encouraging!!!

and thank you for giving the boys a chance too. i’ve always known that the more yandere elements can be spooky for a lot of people which is why i will forever respect those who avoid the work but i’m also so dang determined now that the boys have gained some traction to really make them much more in-depth and complex characters beyond what we’ve come to expect out of the trope. they’ve become so important to me now as both a way to explore more themes and as a form of self expression!

you’ve been so amazingly sweet and supportive of what i do and i’m seriously in love with everything you do, like hello?? the underlust rewrite is so freakin’ incredible?? your writing has been really amazing to read!! AND YOUR ARTWORK IS LIKE *CHEF’S KISS* I LOOK UP TO IT SO SO SO MUCH!! just know my door is always open for close friendship because i am also an awkward human who is the literal worst at interacting with people because my social anxiety is CRIPPLING, but you are someone i already consider a good friend and will gladly reach out more too! THANK YOUUU!!!

#writes 'i don't know what to say'#then proceeds to write three goddamn paragraphs #AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH #.･ﾟﾟ･(／ω＼)･ﾟﾟ･.#goodbye #this had been the final nail in my emotional coffin today and now i die happy #thank you so much my friend!!!#you're so amazing and wonderful #alch!answers #zirkkun #long post #BECAUSE I HAD NO SELF CONTROL

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oureuphoria · 4 years

Text

Worst of You - JJK 02

You meet him under horrible circumstances but that doesn’t stop you from developing a very abnormal and completely unsolicited crush on your local hot police officer™. Too bad you have a bitch of a best friend, anxiety and an inability to learn from your mistakes which cripples your chances to be with the man of your literal dreams. Oh, and he has a lifetime’s worth of emotional baggage at 23.

“I’m not leaving until you tell me what’s wrong.” “Cool, I’ll let everyone know that you’re moving in then.”

Genre: fluff, angst, comedy

Pairing: officer!jungkook X collegestudent!reader

Word count: 2,083

Note: I am actually not American so if I depict the American school system, police system or any system incorrectly then I am really sorry!

| 01 | 02 | 03 | 04 | 05 | 06 | 07 | 08 | 09 | 10 | 11 |

You awaken from your not-so-graceful sleep only to see that it was 1:50pm and you had overslept. Oversleeping was very a common thing for you because you often forgot to set your alarms. You’ve trained your body to wake up at specific times from your unchanging routine which is why you were awake, minutes before your meeting with the goddamn Officer and very much not ready. You rushed out of bed with so much force that your self-induced blanket burrito rolled out onto the floor where you laid limply, regretting the brute force you had gotten up with. However, you didn’t learn anything from your mistake and continued with that same force towards the bathroom only to hit your bathroom door square in the face.

You made it on time, looking somewhat presentable (you tried your best in the compressed time limit). Alex offered you a ride which helped unbelievably because you were incredibly late. You speed-walked to the front counter wand asked the secretary where to go. She looks at you plainly and before replying with much annoyance. “Officer Jeon instructed me to refer a message to you. The perpetrator confessed to the crime late last night and the case has been closed, we will no longer been needing your time.” Oh. Your heart began to sting a little at the realisation that you will never see the officer again but the realisation that you were free overpowered the pain. You smiled while walking towards the door but your happiness was short-lived. You spotted the attacker, hand-cuffed. You locked eyes for the second time although they seemed a lot less manic.

He didn’t recognise you, that was clear enough but you knew you’d never be able to forget him and that thought scared you. Enough so to leave you frozen in the middle of the station. You stood there for what felt like an eternity before an officer shook your shoulder. “Are you okay?” You didn’t really look at her before nodding, a smile on your face as you thanked her a sped out of the building. You walked back to your dorm with only one thought on your mind.

_______________________________________________

Morning classes were a bore and you often found yourself reciting the entire script of a movie instead of writing notes. You looked concentrated and teachers never noticed so it never really harmed anyone, except your GPA of course. It had been just over 2 weeks since you became the hottest news on campus and it blew over quite quickly. The buzz was bound to return though because the student who was attacked, William, was set to return to school that day.

You were fired from your job at the store (because apparently hiring college students was problematic) which meant you had to spend your weekend tutoring privileged high schoolers instead. It was a Tuesday and you were at lunch when William approached you with a light tap on your shoulder, you removed your earphones from your ear and turned to face him but the moment your eyes landed on his face you could feel your lunch creeping back up.

You were too scared to approach him yourself so you left a get-well-soon card and a teddy bear for him at the hospital which you assumed was why he was there. “I just wanted to thank you for that night, who knows what would’ve happened if you didn’t call the police when you did.” You smiled but it was half-hearted. Your mind was filled with a quiet chant of ‘it should’ve been me’ every time you saw his face. “Honestly, it’s fine, I’m glad you’re okay.” You awkwardly gestured a thumbs up which was meant to be reassuring before you put your earphone back in and went back to your sandwich. Trying to shut up before you embarrassed yourself further ended quickly when he tapped your shoulder lightly again.

“I’m sorry to bother you again but I was kind of wondering, did you know him? You know the student who…” “No, sorry I didn’t.” You answered quickly because you wanted the conversation to be over as soon as possible but you might’ve come off as rude. You noticed a glint sadness in his eye, a need for closure, a need to know he did nothing wrong. “I don’t think he had a motive for doing what he did to you though. From what I know, you’re a nice guy, I mean your hospital room had flowers everywhere.” He chuckled a little before furrowing his eyebrows in confusion.

“You visited?” It was just then that you remembered that you had forgotten to sign the card. “Oh! Yes, I left a bear there it was pink, kind of ugly but it was the best thing the gift shop had. It was either that or a Giraffe that said ‘it’s a boy!’” You were rambling, you knew that much but you couldn’t stop yourself if you tried. “Thank you, for everything…” “Y/N.” “Right, Y/N. Maybe we can get coffee sometime or something?” You gulped while in deep thought, you weren’t sure if you could ever make it up to him but you were willing to try. “Sure!”

Once he left, you stared back at your deflated peanut butter sandwich before poking at the stale bread. “Ah, fuck it.” You threw away your crusty sandwich and walked to the nearby cafe which you often avoided like the plague during lunch hours because it was bustling with students. That day was an exception, you needed carbs and you needed them stat. You walked into the cafe, ready to order cheesy fries when you saw him. Officer Jeon. You cursed under your breath and allowed yourself to stare a little. You knew officers often came here since it was around the station but you had never seen him there.

You were waiting in line while he sat down with 2 of his co-workers. You watched them pick up the menus and discuss what they wanted to eat. You were invested in staring until a loud voice startled you. “Next waiting.” That was your cue and you almost missed it staring at the Officer with obvious heart eyes. You held the little table number concoction in your hand as you made your way to sit in the far corner seat where you always sat. But you didn’t go as unnoticed as usual. The incident was still fresh news for the a few students even though it had been 2 weeks. Some students thought you were a hero while others remain confused because “does she even go here?” But the majority never really cared about you but stared anyway because that was the way society worked. You sat and slowly retracted into a small ball of dismal anxiety while you waited for your cheesy fries to arrive.

“Hey isn’t that the awkward kid that you questioned, Jeon?” The officer parallel to him asks loudly, clearly pointing at you which made you retract into the corner even further. “Oh yeah I saw her at the station, poor thing she looked so helpless.” To make matters worse, the woman next to him was the one who checked on you at the station. To top off the embarrassment, Officer Jeon turned around to look at you right when you accidentally smashed your toe on the edge of the table while trying to grab your bag. You winced and chanted “ow, ow, ow, ow,” until you abruptly stopped after realising you were being watched by 3 amused officers.

You managed a small smile and a wave before you grabbed your laptop from your bag and tried to distract yourself from the major discomfort you had endured. Everything went well for a collective amount of 37 seconds before the man you found intimidatingly attractive sat on the seat opposite yours. You peeked over your laptop a little because for some reason you believed that if you couldn’t see him, he couldn’t see you. However, his tall physique allowed him to clearly see you crouched behind the laptop screen. “Hey.” You feigned a smile and pretended to not be completely disturbed by his presence. “Hi.” You squeaked back before internally slapping yourself for sounding so timid but unfortunately your handbook on social interactions seemed to lack a chapter that covered ‘how to talk to attractive police officers who you are low key crushing on but can never be with for longer than 2 seconds without combusting into a nervous mess’.

“How’s everything going? I heard you visited the station looking a little scared.” You chuckled nervously, your laugh becoming slower and slower before dissipating into an awkward silence. “You see, that wasn’t me that was just someone who happened to look a lot like me. You know, me and my common face.” These were moments you wished you could forget because your communication skills were frankly astonishing. However, instead of worrying over your inability to make small talk, he laughed. Officer Jeon laughed at something you said and it was super fucking cute.

“You know Y/N, you’re really…unique?” You held back a snort as you laughed under your breath. “You seem so shy and timid but you looked like you were going to bite my head off at the station.” You started violently chugging your water down, this time for far too long because you didn’t want to reply. “Well, you see I was very…dehydrated? And you know what dehydration can do to someone.” You were never a very good liar which proved to be an important skill in times like such.

He curved his eyebrow at you questioningly but didn’t care to press further, soon after the waiter came with your cheesy fires. You thought it would be rude to eat in front of him so you just stared at the bowl quietly. “Aren’t you going to eat?” “Yeah I was just waiting for it to cool down.” You awkwardly crouched to slowly blow on your cheesy fries which just made him stare at you amusingly. “You’re a weird kid, Y/N. I’ll get going now, it was nice catching up.” You nodded before William crossed your mind. You lunged forward to tug on his sleeve to stop him from leaving. “Wait, do you think you could um, tell me what happened with the case?” “Meet me here tomorrow at 5 and I’ll tell you what I can.” And with that, he left.

“And thEN HE LEAVES, HE JUST LEAVES ALEX, DOESN’T EVEN GIVE ME HIS NUMBER, OR EVEN HIS FIRST NAME?!?” You angrily protested to your friend who was more interested in her phone than the conversation. “Hey, Alex, are you even listening?” Your question fell on unhearing ears so you yelled again to catch her attention. “Alex!” “What?” She replied, a little annoyed but she didn’t push further at the sight of your glare. “I’m sure he was just leaving then because he had to, you know, special police business or something. I bet he’s into you, you’re adorable.” She ruffled the top of your head and you smiled bitterly. Compliments from Alex were normally out of pity and she had a lot to pity you for. She was prettier than you, nicer than you and uncannily good at socialising. This generally meant that whatever boy you were into, was into her.

“Is he really that cute? I need to meet him.” “No! I mean, I don’t even know his name, it’s not important. Don’t waste your time.” Your abrupt exclamation made you feel a little guilty. You’d never voiced your insecurities with Alex and yet you held her completely accountable which was entirely unfair. “Oh, alright. So, what movie are we watching tonight?” Her attention was trained on her phone again as she asked the question. She looked up at you suddenly with pleading eyes and you knew exactly what she wanted. “Just go.” You waved her off with your hand and she didn’t hesitate before leaving you to go to her room. You allowed yourself to melt into the couch as you moped over spending another Friday night alone again. “Wait, Alex! Can I come with you?”

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