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#Happy with the world-building writing is meh but whatever
thevindicativevordan · 6 months
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Comics this week, especially Wonder Woman's relaunch under Tom King ?
Wonder Woman #1 -
Wondersisters we're fucking back! Fantastic first issue from King and Sampere. It's a very tight compressed read, King wants to make the reader feel as blindsided by how quick everything goes to hell as Diana no doubt does. Sovereign looks like the King Washington from AC3, and I love his design. Connecting him to WW through the lasso mythology is a great concept. Despite the lasso being her iconic weapon, we really don't know a lot about it. King wants to write Superman so bad he gave Wonder Woman her own bald evil genius/mastermind to fight. Seeing Sarge Steel kill an Amazon in front of her own wife and child is a hell of a way to set the stakes. Some people were upset about that, but WW has needed to increase the feeling of danger in her books for a while now, and this accomplished that. Themsyacria itself isn't in danger, but Wonder Woman's mission in Man's World is, and that's a set up that works for me.
Love how Diana casts a huge shadow despite it being a while before she actually appears on page. We see King have her do all the actions you'd expect and then King shoots them all down as ineffective. God I love that scene where she sends her sword back to Nubia because she doesn't want to be tempted, sells the hell out of her being furious. And her dressing down of Sarge Steel? Peak Wonder Woman right there.
Steve is in a potentially very interesting place. Usually he's just Diana's wholesome and supportive boyfriend, this is a chance to put the screws to him and find out what makes him tick. He swore an oath and is technically committing treason by helping Diana, which he points out, but he still helps her all the same. Now I get we don't want to focus too much on a man in a WW book, but as her most important male supporting character, I argue that Steve needs fleshing out to bring him up to the level Lois and Selina are at.
My only qualm is I wish we get a page dedicated to the reaction of the other Wondy Rogues at this new player making moves. What does Circe or Cheetah or Cale make of this? Grail is going to show up, what's her angle? Definitely could see Psycho jumping for joy. While I doubt Sovereign can actually be Wondy's arch, I do like him as this new major player who upends Wondy's status quo, and I want to see where the other Wondy Rogues fit into his plans.
Superman #6 - Quick read but at least next issue is the oversized one. Livewire remains an ass despite working at the Daily Planet and that makes me deliriously happy. Having her as the anti-Superman voice at the Planet is a great gag, hell you could even have her livestream her fights with Supes to boost the DP's sales as a way to profit from being a villain even when she loses. AI Lex insisting on calling Superman "son" remains hilarious, Clark is clearly fed up with Lex's bullshit. The Chained seems to be a powerful telekinetic, was hoping for a more creative powerset, but at least he has hair. Saw that reference to Master Jailer helping Lex build the prison that held Chained, please let that be a tease for Jailer to make his return soon.
World's Finest #19 - Meh. Far as first meetings between Superman and Batman go, this one is down near the bottom. Jax is every bit as boring as I thought he would be, and Waid just pays lip service at the end towards the idea of Batman not trusting Superman. More fuel for the speculation that Waid is taking over Action with "Aethyr" showing up. What a boring look and design, not at all the Lovecraftian god in the vein of Gerber that PKJ had been building up. If Waid is really taking Action I have zero hope he delivers a satisfying conclusion to whatever plot threads PKJ himself doesn't wrap up. Waid is simply too stuck in the Silver Age. Let's hope Kingdom Come gives this book the shot in the arm it needs.
Nightwing #106 - Without Redondo the book's paper thin nature is front and center. Still, far as continuity goes, this does use the Ric era in a good way. Taylor of all people being the one to do something interesting with that time period surprises me.
Green Lantern: War Journal #1 - My grandma has dementia and I teared up at that scene where John makes a construct of his sister for his mother who has it. Caring for relatives with dementia is just trying to keep them happy even when it breaks your heart. If PKJ is really losing Action, at least here he can continue the United Planets plot threads with Thaaros. John put that fraud GL in his place and it was badass. If the Radiant Queen can body hop, maybe the people who speculated she's an alternate version of Katma are right and the body she's been in isn't her original.
Vigil #5 - It's good! Castle is more than a little shit.
Loki #4 - Damn good mini that I can only assume is being totally ignored by Ewing given the ending has Loki seemingly embracing his status as the God of Lies again. Or is that actually setting up Ewing Loki, who is openly apologetic about how he's going to fuck over Thor if it makes for a good tale in Immortal Thor? Watters needs to get more work.
Captain America #1 - Solid character beats and interactions, but it lacks a big "hook" as it were to keep me reading. I am amused to see JMS' big return to Marvel monthlies involves someone trying to make a deal with the devil.
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tuiyla · 1 year
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Hey, Happy New Year!! I wish you had been on the Glee fandom back when the show was airing; you'd have encouraged me to try to see things differently with your metas instead of just dismissing every one-shot character or absurd plotline that never went anywhere. You certainly gave me a newfound appreciation for certain chunks of S3 and S4-S6 as a whole. And your fancy gifsets are *chef's kiss* too but I guess they could only exist in the 2020s so thank you (and all the other gifmakers) for being here and keeping the fandom alive with this new giffing style bc it must take so much time and effort to make them look so gorgeous.
So anyway could you please rank the Glee seasons? Based on whatever standard you'd like - personal preference/enjoyment, whether the year was a good one for your faves, the actual writing and whether the plotlines were well-executed, etc.
Hey Anon, Happy New Year to you too! This was such a kind message, thank you so much. To be honest I don't wish I was here then haha just because I know how intense it all was and I would have burned out so quick. And I think we need this distance from the show to be able to analyze it in such ways. But! I'll take the compliment of course and I'm very happy if my ramblings can bring about new perspectives and appreciation. That's more than I could ever ask for.
And thank you for the kind words about giffing, too! It's become my primary way of adding to this fandom recently and it's always nice to see it being appreciated. I still maintain that I only do it because I want to and it's fun, but feedback is nice of course.
On the topic of Glee seasons, well I have a feeling that'd be a different ranking every day so take this as a very fluid list. It's also a mushed-together one because I kinda wanna consider several aspects, my personal enjoyment as well as what we'd call "good writing" in a more, though not completely objective sense. I'm happy if I can encourage appreciation for seasons 4 to 6 if only because it really irks me when people pretend there's a clear-cut divide in quality, though on previous lists I've also ranked the first three first and the later seasons last. So with that in mind, strap in:
Season 2
This is the easiest to decide. Season 2 is that sweet spot, imo, where we still only have three writers and therefore a semblance of consistency but it feels like a larger world with more developed characters than season 1 did. There are issues, sure, and I could go on and on about major gaps in all Glee seasons. But season 2 feels the most like Glee, to me. There's infighting and an overall arc and fun one-off themes and tributes. The focus is still too Finchel heavy and the Wemma drama throughout is meh, but those are general problems in Glee. I feel like, more than any other season after it season two has a beginning, middle, and end, and some of Glee's strongest character arcs. Scratch that, in Kurt and Santana we get the two strongest arcs of the series. And the way Karofsky's story builds on and makes both of these better, chef's kiss. And the whole Glee club feels much more like the dysfunctional family they are and there's more of an effort to include every member. Basically it's my fave and imo, the best, for many reasons. We could get more in-depth with this one day.
After no.1 is where we start going "Idunno" but I'll try to establish a ranking.
2. Season 4
I'm not sure if placing season 4 second feels quite right but ranking the other seasons above it doesn't, either. Look, it's a very flawed season of television. There's a clear shift between the two halves. For the better, but still. Santana took way too long to go to NYC. The most fascinating dynamics happen in two lines of dialogue and then entirely off-screen. The Lima-NYC split was not thought through. But it's by far the season where I can tolerate and even like Finn the most. It's arguably Santana's best. It brought me the newbies, my beloveds. Amazing group numbers. The best the New Directions have ever been as a group. Good one-offs, some crimes against humanity, surprisingly few duds. Will fades more and more into the background, bar wedding drama. No clear direction or purpose but a vibe of ND becoming a new sort of family and the alumni struggling. Waaaay too many characters and the season is worse off because of that but, somehow, it still kinda works. It's a ride.
3. Season 1
Sigh, listen, season 1 is the big struggle for me. If I muster as much objectivity as I can, it's the best-written and generally well-put-together season. Even when the back nine changes direction a bit, it's still a much more cohesive unit than even season 2. It's a good season of television. It's also one I saw all the way back in 2010 and said "uhm, no thanks, that was fine but I don't need more Glee." It's missing that je ne sais quoi, imo, that makes Glee truly great. And maybe truly bad, too, but that's part of the show's appeal and I still find season 1 one of the least engaging whenever I watch it. And there are many reasons, from my infuriation with the disproportion of singing to Finchel shenanigans to Quinn's storyline, and, of course, the lack of Santana. I still rank it in the top 3 just because I can't overlook how strong it is from a purely, this is good TV perspective, but make no mistake it's far from being among my personal faves. Deffo not the one I wanna be rewatching the most. It's so good in some aspects but I know what else Glee can be and yeah, that's messy and makes my blood boil but at least it makes me feel so much more than the Finchel features and Finn-Will bonding moments of season 1. Based on this you might think I should rank it lower. Maybe I should. I think I'm just being so hard on it because I know it's considered to be the best by many and it's just, not that for me. I only put it in the top 3 begrudgingly.
4. Season 3
Season 3 is impossible to rank and I feel bad putting it above season 6 but I can't lie and say it didn't have good stuff. I'm actually really curious to find out what parts of it you appreciate more now because of me haha because I feel like I'm always so hard on season 3. Because it sucks. I hate s3A so much. It pisses me off like no other season. But damn, it has the good stuff too. Some of my favourite GCVs, for starters. Nationals, graduation. All the nostalgia and sting of that. The underdogs winning. The end of an era. So much more Santana. (Soundtrack-wise, anyway.) The Troubletones. What did it cost? Everything, but we got it. There's a clear arc, it just takes a million detours. The most controversial season for me, personally. I wish it never existed. I wish it was so much better. I'm a different person for having witnessed it. Everything wrong with Glee but maybe everything great with it, too. The new writers? Not a great idea. An inevitability. Season 3 is a dumpster fire and quintessential Glee, dare I say even the peak of it in some ways. It makes me wanna choose violence. We should move on.
5. Season 6
Sweetie I'm so sorry for ranking you so low, I'm usually a season 6 defender. It's been too long since I've seen it to confidently be able to say that it's good, though, and it just very much feels like the swan song it is. I'll be completely honest, it's also the lack of Santana for me. Sure, she gets her own arc on the side but I'm not a 100% happy with how they bid her farewell and any given episode of Glee is just way less appealing to me without her in it. But putting the Santana of it all aside, season 6 fully leans into the insanity of Glee in its final season. It's also a breath of fresh air, of postmodernity and a new generation and goodbyes that feel as authentic as they could be at this point. It's... like a post-finale. It's surprisingly real about the concept of the aftermath. A fascinating case study of the show's identity, its underdog obsession, what it means to deconstruct that. It's also just a bit boring, innit, compared to earlier shenanigans. But still, season 6 defender over here.
6. Season 5
I really didn't think I'd rank season 5 last, again, because I always used to and I actually appreciate it a lot more these days. But it's a case of not wanting any of the others to be last. Season 5 seemed like as good a sacrificial lamb as any. I think it's that, much more than season 4, it doesn't feel like one season, not even like one show. And it's understandable, of course, because production and the people behind it went through hell when Cory died. Looked at through the lens of grief, it's a fascinating season. And there are aspects I really like but aspects I despise, and unlike season 3's controversy I also find a lot of it just dull. Now, this might change when I eventually rewatch it but as it stands I just don't feel as strongly about wanting to defend season 5 and I do season 6. It's great when it's great but it's lukewarm so often. There are also way too many character assassinations happening and part of me will never forgive dropping the newbies like that. And all of me will always be mad about Santana's/Naya's treatment in season 5B.
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sometimesrosy · 1 year
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Hey! I had bought Save the Cat! Writes a Novel but only now sat down and read some of it. Getting nervous with NaNoWriMo, I actually outlined a full story using the beat sheet of Save the Cat! I’m excited, but at the same time… I feel like my novel’s theme strayed too far away from fantasy, and that somehow it’ll all be too short and too rushed, and that the stakes aren’t high enough etc etc etc. I know this is all silly because I only have the outline, it’s how I flesh out this outline that will “decide” how the story goes, but I’m having imposter syndrome without even starting. I used to be a pantser, then started outlining really deeply and with so many beats (way more than 15) that it all got too long and I’m not sure anything really happened. I didn’t know where my Midpoint was, where my False Victory/Defeat was, where my All is Lost was… you get the drill. Now that I followed the beats that actually work… I have all these doubts when I wanted to feel confident. I’m having a mini panic attack. Writing used to bring me so much joy, I’ve been doing it since small! But as I grew and I developed my writing, I stopped being able to finish any single piece I wrote. I only finished one, because I decided it was already too long and divided it then and there. I never wrote part 2, so I don’t feel like I finished writing part 1, I just… cheated. I feel very happy when writing, but then doubts just creep in and my excitement fades and I just stop. Meh :/
Sometimes writing is harder and scarier when you know something about what you're doing than when you're just doing it for fun, ignorant about how it "should" be.
First of all, don't worry about your story straying from the fantasy genre. You can make your fantasy story any kind of fantasy world you want, even if it isn't high fantasy or dark fantasy or whatever. The interesting thing is how you weave those fantasy elements into your story. It can be more realistic, that's not a flaw.
Second of all, outlines are like a pirate's code. They're not really a law, more like a guideline. You follow the outline until it doesn't work for you anymore and then you can ignore it. Clearly those elaborate outlines didn't work for you. A cleaner beat sheet does. You also don't NEED an all is lost moment, or a false victory/defeat, or any of the suggestions in Save The Cat. Yes those are common beats especially in movies/tv which Save The Cat comes from, but they aren't required. Remember... more of a guideline.
Third, Use this outline for your story if it makes sense. If you find yourself diverging from the outline, it's okay to change it. Sometimes the change works better than the outline. Sometimes your outline ignored a plot hole so you have to change, or it didn't provide high enough stakes or whatever. It's okay to go off the outline. You didn't sign a contract in blood. Detours are fine.
Fourth, people think that writers struggle with WORDS. Sentences and chapters and plot and character and all that. False. Those are the tools we use. The medium. Writers struggle with THEMSELVES. They struggle with their fears and insecurities and internal demons and feelings of inadequacy. THAT'S the real battle you face whenever you sit down to the page. All the darkness you've ever been through or imagined. Every writer has to find a way to face their demons and keep writing, because writing is laying your soul out on the page. The good news is that there are multiple ways to conquer your demons so you can write and you can do it, because you already have done it. You just have to remember that all those feelings of imposter syndrome or panic or fear of failure or perfectionism etc ad infinitum. We all need to deal with that. You're not a failure because you feel that way.
Fifth, one of the good things about having a nice clean outline with clear beats is that it leaves you plenty of room to get the character development and world building and themes and big ideas into your story. Don't worry about the story not having enough story. That's where you get to fill in all the juicy stuff that's not about plot. The relationships between characters, the fears overcome, the oppressive baddie, the little sparkles of beauty and hope, the eerie mood, the details that make the setting rich.
Sixth, if FINISHING is where you get stuck, then your goal this year is to FINISH your book. Don't get distracted by imposter syndrome or the next cool story idea or idk crocheting pot holders. You COMMIT to finishing this book, even if it takes you a year. Or two. If you're afraid you can't finish, then you sit down every day and write word by word towards that ending. Finishing is VERY hard. The first time anyway. It gets easier as you go on and you realize you can do it. But finishing your first novel is difficult. Not everyone does it. If you want to be a person who finishes a novel, you simply have to commit to doing it.
Don't start second guessing yourself. You're a lot of the way there. Just keep following that outline all the way to the end. Maybe it will be a short novel, even a novella. That's okay. Maybe it will be a saga to rival A Song of Ice and Fire (I don't actually recommend that, it's okay to keep it short and sweet for your first book,) but as long as you get to the end, that's what you're looking for, and you will know you can do it. Even if this is your 'trunk' novel, that they say all novelist have, the book they wrote and put away, never to see the light of day. That's a learning experience that will pave the way for the NEXT novel. And I know you don't just have one novel in you, you have multitudes.
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a-tear-in-the-veil · 3 years
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7 for the micro prompts!!
I think this is the micro prompt for silent fury? *Sings,* it’s been awhile. ANYWAYS, I took this one evening off and this is what I did for it (thanks for the ask, sparked some backstory/prologue stuff). <3 
Sitri and the Storyteller:
Her slippers sunk into high pile moss. It grew in pathways, crawled up tree trunks, perched on rocks. Not that the Faewyld lacked in fauna, with the exception of Winter, Spring flourished.
Trees in the Shroudwood grew far above hovering, lowland fog and into the ever-lasting twilight. Their trunks were thick, twisted, and gnarled. It was silent. It lacked the mirth of the Mid-Summer Court just a bit summer-ward. But, for all it lacked in mirth it made up for in mischief. You couldn’t see more than 10 feet in front of you at a time. The air shimmered and as if you were trying to look through water. The entirety of the woods looked identical save for isolated fragments of ruins.
Always the sensation of eyes on the back. 
 Nixie pools are scattered in the forest, connected by watery tunnels under the ground Sitri steps on. Their songs are always a whisper on the end of a breeze. From far enough away, their calls don’t sound like songs, just crazed whispers cooing to their next meal. Or toy. No matter how many times she traveled this forest, the discordant voices never ceased to make her skin crawl. There’s a rumored astral pool in the Shroudwood, but no one has found it. Which is understandable. Sitri couldn’t decide if it was brave or stupid to go poking around in Nixie holes. 
“Volshebnyy ogon',” she muttered. Violent light crept from Sitri’s shadow and outlined everything in violet light 60 feet in front of her. It didn’t pierce the fog, it just gave it a violet glow. She’d have to cast the spell every minute now to find the entrance. 
Walking into the Shroudwood without a means to see invisibility is irrefutably stupid. 
With another utterance and turn of the wrist a droplet of fire hovered over Sitri’s palm. The embers drifted to the right in the breeze. Sitri re-oriented herself so that the wind was at her back. She walked forward, towards the ember trail laid in front of her.
A little pouch of salt tapped Sitri’s side in tandem with her steps. Her teacup and plate jingled in their holster. The tea set, set being a single cup, plate and spoon, could have been packed away into the haversack, but she liked the white noise. It distracted her from the other white noises in the woods. Kinda. She fiddled with a dice set in one hand too. 
“Genevieve…”
The dice tumbled onto the moss, all landed on the same number. The violet afterglow faltered with Sitri’s concentration. 
“Sehanine…”
Sitri plucked a Rowan berry from her circlet, and put it in her mouth. If she’s near a Nixie den, that with her resistance to faerie glamours should be enough to--
“Lightweaver.” 
The flame snuffed out in Sitri’s hand. 
A gangly figure stepped out from the cover of fog. They hovered above the ground, yet still left footprints. They wore a black coat made from shadows, an ever-shifting sheet of black and a white, porcelain mask with painted lips and eyes. 
A silent fury, that should have been fear, welled in Sitri’s chest. “It’s you.”
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galaxythreads · 3 years
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Suggestions on how to improve fanfic writing:
I was talking with @angelfishofthelord recently (not that recent, time is a concept that escapes our collective grasp) and I jokingly suggested that I make this post. I am in the middle of an insomnia night, so. Here be us.
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Characters use the same nicknames and phrases inside their head as speaking. This doesn’t necessarily mean they’re sharing the humor they’re speaking. I.g.: For SPN, I see a lot of people write Dean as a little careless in his POVs, because that’s just how he portrays himself, but Dean, I think, while having a dark sense of humor, isn’t actually very funny in his head. Same goes for MCU and Tony Stark. Funny characters does not always equal happy head space. :)
Nicknames--this used to bother me to no end, because nicknames were never something in my family, and people shortening down the names felt wrong. But you nickname what you love. If someone has given a nickname (and not in mockery) to a character, chances are, they call them that in their head. Like in MCU Clint calling Natasha "Nat", or SPN Dean and Sam calling Cas "Cas" however, with that said, unless the nickname is self chosen, most people will use their full name when narrating. Castiel, Natasha, etc.
Headcanons! This is going to sound a little backwards, but headcanons have always helped me sort between characters. I know that some fic authors are very against headcanons, but to me, you HAVE to make these characters and their world your own, at least a little. You need to understand how their brain functions, and headcanons are a wonderful, wonderful way to do that. So long as you can conceivably fit them into canon, I think you’re good. One of the ones I have about SPN Cas is that he doesn’t actually give off body heat, so he’s constantly room temperature. It’s a detail for people that’s not Cas’s POV to notice. So getting some headcanons like that will help differentiate between POVs because it’s different things for characters to acknowledge.
Mimic writing that you admire. (And ask yourself WHY you like it) I really, really love the way that TFW/avengers team is portrayed in some stories, in others, I’m like “meh.” Write to please yourself, first and foremost, on how to read these characters thoughts. Those who agree with you will flock to be your audience, and they’re who matter.
Language/word choice is really important for POV change. Again, people talk like how they think.
POV change? Treat the character whose POV it is like they are THE most important person in existence. Their reactions get a front seat. Their five senses are your concern. What they notice about a character may not be true, but it's what they notice. They are human, not omniscient, ergo, they'll get things wrong. Even if the story is written with a completely different character in mind, this character is still the most important. POV's time to think, talk, panic, angst, express, etc. That chapter was about how they felt. That’s why sometimes, even if I really do want them to talk or something, a character might think “please don’t say xyz” because THEY don’t want that, and how I feel as an author isn’t relevant here. Remembering that they’re human, and need time to process/react to things is huge.
Practice, practice, practice. It does get easier with time, and effort. I promise. All of you would laugh at my first few weeks of diving into fandoms. That stuff is garbage.
Conscious stream of thought is generally the best way to engage readers, and the most enjoyable. This is how we immerse ourselves into the story. We become a part of it because we follow their thinking. It is always ideal to start where you are the most comfortable, whether that's 3rd omniscient, 2nd person, etc, but, in my opinion, you don't get that true "click" with the characters until you've conscious stream of thought them.
Research. Lots of research. Don't know how long battieres could last in 2002? Look it up. Don't know how to do stitches? Google it. Try to avoid making things up.
Look guys. Everyone understands that you are most likely NOT a doctor or have any semblance of a medical degree. This is fiction. Research what you can, and move forward carefully or vague it out with the rest. The worst that can happen is someone correcting information you got wrong.
Please, please, please stay within the range of human limitation. (Or whatever creature/being you are writing for) You can't lose more than five pints of blood. You CAN die from pain. Infection spreads quickly. I'm sorry. I just. Have read so many fics from newbie writers who push their characters past extremes that is almost impossible. You want to hurt them that bad, break a bone or something. Just. Please try to be realistic. (Don't misunderstand here, I love me some well-done whump.)
Again with the "you are not a professional thing." Those diagnosed with mental illnesses know that you may not be writing from true experience. This is okay. But please, please do not avoid using any words or phrases common with the illness as you try to "vaguely" write it. The more authentic you are, the less likely you will offend someone. Look. I would be so frustrated if someone tried to write about an ED and just... Avoided words like "starve" "binge" and "hungry" because they didn't want to trigger me. Like. Sweeties, I appreciate the thought, I do, but it's more frustrating that you can't even SAY it than actually putting it into your writing. So. Please just. If you're going to write about a mental illness, do so with the intent to WRITE it, not skirt around the bush.
With that, if you are not diagnosed with the mental illness your writing for (or suspect that you have some form of it) that's okay! Google symptoms to get a basic idea, and search for first hand accounts. People's experience is a lot different than the definition. For example, some of the most hilarious people I know are severally depressed, and Google will just tell you they are sad.
Write write and write. You are building a skill. You have to practice that skill frequently.
Do not be afraid to ask for feedback. Betas are wonderful. Asking for advice is wonderful. Being too shy and afraid of criticism for asking for help is perfectly okay. (Hello fellow traveler)
If your search history doesn't have you being watched by government organizations in the next few months, you aren't researching enough. ;)
Take your time. Quality over quantity. Do NOT conform to the update fairy that demands updates frequently. Look. I love my readers. I do. But you HAVE to take your time to finish things in order for them to be worth reading. If this is six hours or six years, that's that.
Do not give everything away. Stop answering questions. We keep reading because we have unanswered questions. Anticipation = good. Knowing everything at once: bad.
Do not put in funny for the sake of funny.
Insults should be insulting, not make people want to cringe and duck their heads.
Dialog should serve as people communicating... Like actual people.
Siblings (unless otherwise said so by canon) DO NOT address each other as "bro" and "sis"
Not a native English speaker? Cool. Natives would love to help you learn their language. :) English grammar sucks.
Analogies should make sense. They should flow smoothly into the writing. If they pop out, you've lost the attention of your writers.
please, please don't glorify rape, racism, homophobia, mental illness shaming/glorification, abuse, sexism, and other crappy things. Thanks. People came for a story, not to get their souls crushed.
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bookaddict24-7 · 3 years
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I said at the beginning of the year that I would share my reviews more on my blog instead of just on Instagram and Goodreads. I’ve been reading a lot so far this year, so my reviews will be delayed on here.
Friend me on Goodreads here to read my reviews in real-time!
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51. The Miserable Mill by Lemony Snicket--⭐️⭐️.5
“I’ll be honest, this one was kind of just meh. There were some parts that started to be creepy, but compared to the last three books, this one was surprisingly tame. Hopefully this series isn’t already losing steam!”
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52. Hate Notes by Vi Keeland & Penelope Ward--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
“What I loved about this book is how it didn’t feature unnecessary drama or miscommunication. I say this first because I feel like this is my biggest complaint when I don’t enjoy a romance novel. I’ll admit I was surprised with how much I enjoyed HATE NOTES. It was funny, heartfelt, spicy, and man, it was romantic. There’s a very spicy scene at the end that makes me wonder why the bar is so low for real life romantic expectations. This guy was flawed because he was suffering from a broken heart and another mystery, but when he started to allow himself to feel again, it was amazing. Our protagonist is a woman who also knows all about heartbreak and her path in this book was fun to read. I loved that she didn’t take no for an answer, but still had enough self-awareness to take care of herself and her heart. If you love romances that feature the enemies to lovers trope and a slow burn office romance, then I think you’ll love this one!”
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53. Living Room Matsunaga-San Volume 1 by Keiko Iwashita--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
“This one isn’t perfect. I’m normally a huge fan of a great age gap but after researching the age of consent in Japan it weirdly makes sense in that context (she is in the middle of high school and he is a graduated man, who I assume is somewhere in his 20s, working as a graphic designer.) The story has potential and I’m excited for it. I have up to volume four on standby (I’ll hopefully be reading them this month)! I’m excited to get to know some of the other characters and see what they bring to the story! Also, what familial circumstances brought our MC to her current situation? Plus that cliffhanger!! If you love a cute slice of life manga with a prickly love interest and an age gap, set in a boarding house where the MC and her love interest live really close to each other, then you might like this one. Phew, that was a mouthful!”
___
54. The Rage of Dragons by Evan Winter--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️  
“I was wary of this book at first because it’s super intimidating—especially when I’d already heard so many good things! But I actually ended up really loving it, especially the journey that the MC goes on. One of my favourite tropes in fantasy is the vengeance trope because if it’s done right, the MC turns into a proper bad ass. Their sec-awareness expands and the level of whatever skill they’re trying to master goes up exponentially, reaching almost god-like status. This book had this trope and then some. Also because of this trope, certain moments in this book made the storyline so darn cool! Our MC suffers a terrible loss and it sets off a chain of events that span what I assume are years. He vows to get his revenge, all the while proving to everyone that you don’t need to be a beast of a man physically to destroy your opponents. The character development, the relationships, the world building, and even the spicy spice were really well done. The pacing was fantastic (I was immediately hooked), and I never experienced a moment of boredom. I’m so excited to see what else this author writes! If you love fantastical worlds, power and magic, and fighting scenes that are just really cool, you might enjoy this one!”
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55. First Love by James Patterson & Emily Raymond--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
“This book made me cry like a baby! I wasn’t expecting to enjoy it as much as I did. This reminded me so much of A WALK TO REMEMBER and THE FAULT IN OUR STARS. It was short, but I knew it would pack a punch—especially after that intro by Patterson. My main criticism would be that this book felt like I was reading this on a sped up escalator rather than on a set of stairs you’d climb at a steady pace. Everything was happening really fast, especially at the end. I wish the story could have slowed down in some aspects so we could adjust and truly feel the themes and life lessons. I’d recommend this for anyone who likes a good cry and for anyone who loves a road trip story featuring two best friends who may or may not like each other as more than friends.”
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Have you read these books? Would you recommend them? 
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Happy reading!
6 notes · View notes
snkpolls · 3 years
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SnK Episode 71 Poll Results (for Manga Readers)
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The poll closed with 176 responses. Thank you to everyone who participated!
Please note that these are the results for the Manga Readers’ poll. If you wish to see the results for the Anime Only Watchers’ poll, click here.
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RATE THE EPISODE 172 responses
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This week’s episode keeps up the high mark of the previous episodes, with 98.8% of respondents giving the episode a score of 3 or higher (overwhelmingly 4s and 5s). Nice!
It was aight. 
It's cool
8.5/10 
great!
Very rocky imo in terms of animation, as the cracks are beginning to show but overall look like the backgrounds and music choices were top tier.
Really good episode, I was disappointed in the jacket scene but it’s not the end of the world
loved it
It was overall a great episode I loved it. 
🔥🔥🔥
WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING MOMENTS WAS YOUR FAVORITE? 174 responses
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46.6% of respondents overall were most excited to see Eren meeting up with Floch and the others, with 23.6% of those respondents favoring the scene of Eren putting on his jacket specifically. 12.1% most enjoyed seeing the angry citizens shouting out the Survey Corps motto. 9.8% were thrilled to see Zackley’s death animated. 8% were psyched to see Pieck in disguise at the end, and 6.9% most enjoyed the moment where Hitch caught Armin red-handed trying to touch Annie’s crystal.
YOUR REACTION TO EREN PUTTING ON HIS JACKET? 171 responses
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Eren putting on his jacket was a scene many obsessed over when it first appeared on page and many looked forward to seeing it animated. Most of the response choices were focused on various forms of swooning over Eren and his abs. Some (13.5%) stated that they didn’t really understand the dramatism and some others (another 13.5%) simply stated that they did not see much in Eren outright. We’ve gotten a lot of write-ins about comparisons to the pre-animated trailer shot of said scene. More on that in a later question. 
i mean i understand the thirst, but eh
Prefer manga :/
The trailer did it better 
Meh. Better in the trailer and the manga.
TF was that? Well it's still good in its own way. 
YES! YES! YES! YES! Y E S! 
both "HOOOOOLYYYYYY 😳" and "so dramatic and for what?"
Trailer/Manga shot was way better
Manga shot/trailer version are way better. Dissapointed
Trailer looked better :(
Mappa only made Reiner thicc, why Eren is so frain he has 1,85! He is so strong in the manga
I don't care
Manbun.........👀
He can have my babies anytime 😌💅🏻
Not as sexy as advertised; that’s okay, though.
That scene looked weird af ngl. It looked better in the trailer 😔
Me after THAT eren scene: 🤰🏻🤰🏻🤰🏻
Eren makes my dick rise
ON A SCALE OF 1-5, HOW HAPPY ARE YOU NOW THAT WE APPEAR TO BE GOING BACK TO LEVI AND ZEKE’S PERSPECTIVE NEXT WEEK FOR A BIT? 171 responses
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Levi and Zeke’s chemistry has been the subject of praise for many, so it’s no wonder that 87.1% of respondents are rather excited to get back to seeing Levi and Zeke again. Wow!
ARE ARMIN’S FEELINGS FOR ANNIE GENUINELY HIS OWN? 173 responses
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Armin’s feelings for Annie have been looked at under a microscope for a variety of reasons, which is why we’re asking if you believe that his feelings for her are genuine. A plurality, 49.1% think that they’re a mixture of his feelings for her, as well Bertolt’s. Slightly less (30.6%) believe that Armin’s feelings for her existed since before any of the recent developments. Only a select few believe that he either became interested in her post-timeskip or that his feelings are solely influenced by Bertolt. One person doesn’t think Armin has any feelings for Annie at all. And a few others just don’t care.
Bertmin simping for Annie and that apparently being enough for her to start considering him as boyfriend material is the fucking worst. I hate this shit. It's made me like both characters considerably less.
Uhh Armin where ya reaching?! 
He was interested with her even before it was revealed she was the Female Titan and now that he has Bertholdt's memories, he sympathizes with her too and wants to understand her more so maybe Bert's memories intensified his feelings
His feelings for Annie are mostly his own. Bert's feelings might be in there a little, but the feelings are still Armin's.
CONTINUITY ALERT! EREN HAS HIS HAIR UP IN A BUN IN YELENA’S FLASHBACK. THOUGHTS? 173 responses
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Uh-oh, Eren’s hairstyle moment. It would appear that there might be a continuity error with Yelena’s flashback and whatever that means for the timeline. A slight plurality (37%) didn’t seem to care about this, actually. But 33.5% appeared to believe that it was a mistake on MAPPA’s part that might get fixed in the BluRay version of the episode. 16.8% also believe that it was a mistake, but don’t believe it’ll get fixed. 9.8% think that it’s actually a retcon and that Eren’ll have the man bun when Chapter 123 gets adapted in Final Season Part 2.  
I hope it gets fixed because it's bugging me.
I really wish it was like how it was in the manga. Eren looks good with his hair down in his 16-17-year-old phase. Despite the error, it wasn't a deal breaker for the episode.
He looks totally gorgeous with his hair up in a bun, please let this mistake be
Honestly I don’t mind it. It looks great either way.
Eren in a manbun is a total win for me!
WHICH PIECES OF INFORMATION MISSING FROM YELENA’S ADMISSION IN THE MANGA DO YOU WISH WOULD HAVE BEEN INCLUDED IN THE ADAPTATION? 163 responses
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As with almost all dialogue-heavy chapters in this series, there are cuts. In this episode, these cuts mostly affected the conversation between Yelena and Pixis. The most yearned for cut material was Yelena never telling Eren to go along with the plan and Yelena saying that she used Floch as a “go-between” between her and Eren. Others also noted missing lines about Yelena wanting Eren to stand up for himself, Yelena stating that Zeke gave the volunteers a hopeful future and the idea that her and Eren came to quick agreement. The plurality (31.9%) however, didn’t seem to mind any cuts. 
WHAT ARE YOU OVERALL FEELINGS ABOUT SOME OR ALL OF THE AFOREMENTIONED DETAILS BEING CUT? 161 responses
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There is often a sort of expectation to have everything (or almost every) line from the manga adapted in the anime, so it’s interesting to see how people react to that sort of stuff. An almost 50% of respondents stated that they didn’t really care about the cuts, whereas smaller handfuls of respondents stated that the cuts either took away from the characterization of the conversation, or from the context and timeline-building purposes. 
I'm not thrilled about the cuts, but I understand MAPPA can only fit so much in on each episode, so I'm okay with it
the yelena/volunteers plot has always been wonky and hard to follow
I don’t think it’s a problem, they need to cut certain things. 
i literally never notice but i agree that it makes it harder to piece things together 
Meh
It might seem for anime watchers that Yelena didnt do much, and Floch and Zeke that did the most part, in their own plans. Floch to betray and Zeke in predicting Eren wouldnt be on his side in some way. Yelena helped Zeke a lot to where he arrived in the rumbling 
All of the above
ZACKLEY WALKS OVER TO HIS TORTURE MACHINE IN THE ANIME BEFORE MIKASA ASKS WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO EREN, RATHER THAN GLANCE OVER AT IT AFTER HER QUESTION. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THE CHANGE? 170 responses
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There was a partially comedic insinuation in the manga that Zackley thought about strapping Eren to his “art piece”. The insinuation is possibly still there in the anime, but in a different form. So we asked how you felt about it. Slightly below a half (48.8%) stated that they thought the subtlety was still there. 18.8% thought the subtlety was lost with the small change and 8.8% believed the change made Zackley seem less unhinged. 21.8% really didn’t care at all. 
Why is this a question?
The glance was funny as fuck in the manga, but might have been awkward to pull of in the animation
They're blown up tho, does it even matter?
DID EREN KNOW ABOUT THE BOMB? 170 responses
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Whether Eren truly knew about the bomb is a bit unclear to this day and with how it endangered Armin and Mikasa. A plurality (40%) believe he knew about the bomb, but did not know about his childhood friends meeting Zackley. Slightly less (30.6%) think that Eren did not know about either the bomb or AM meeting the Artist. A minority (7.1%) does believe that Eren knew about both the bomb and meeting and 21.8% simply aren’t sure!
Even if he didn’t know, he obviously doesn’t care either way.
THERE IS SOME DEBATE ABOUT WHETHER EREN’S JACKET SCENE WAS BETTER ANIMATED IN THE PROMOTIONAL VIDEO OR IN THE EPISODE ITSELF. WHICH DO YOU CHOOSE? 170 responses
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Here we go… The elephant in the room… Which Eren abs scene did you prefer? The Promotional video or the actual episode? A somewhat slight majority (57.1%) seemed to like the version seen in the promotional video more than the episode itself versus the ones who preferred the episode’s style (42.9%).
THE EPISODE MARKS THE BEGINNING OF FLOCH’S ACTIONS AS THE VOICE OF THE YEAGERISTS. HOW ARE YOU FEELING ABOUT IT? 170 responses
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Floch has always been a controversial character and the developments seen post-time skip have not been any less debatable. You may floching love him or floching hate, but he’s here and he’s staying for a while. A plurality (48.8%) notes that although they may not personally be a fan of the character, they truly do appreciate the nuance his appearance gives to the story. Just over a quarter (25.3%) stated that as big fans of the character, they’re looking forward to all the screentime the Flochster will receive. In contrast, 20.6% despise the man and his questionable haircut and are also dreading the showcase he’ll soon receive.  
I hate Floch and will cheer again when he dies, but I enjoy his character.
I detest Floch but I'm not dreading all the screen time he'll take up.
Since he died in the manga, my hatred for him has cooled down somewhat now that I'm watching the anime.
I am once again asking for you to shut the fuck up, Floch.
WE KNOW NOW THAT EREN DID CONSPIRE WITH FLOCH TO BETRAY ZEKE TO ENACT THE RUMBLING. STILL, DO YOU BELIEVE HE DID IT BECAUSE HE HAS THE SAME BELIEFS AS FLOCH, OR WAS HE JUST USING FLOCH AND THE YEAGERISTS AS A MEANS TO AN END? 161 responses
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An overwhelming amount of respondents (87.6%) stated that they believe Eren never truly saw eye to eye with Floch and his ideology and that Eren was simply using Floch as a means to an end. In contrast, 9.3% truly do think that Eren was ideologically similar to Floch and the “New Eldian Empire”. A select few thought you couldn’t just say one way or another. 
They both wanted to protect Paradis
DO YOU THINK IF THE YEAGERISTS, BESIDES FLOCH, KNEW ABOUT THE FULL SCALE RUMBLING BEFOREHAND THAT THEY WOULD WILLINGLY FOLLOW EREN? 167 responses
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The majority (53.3%) feel that the Yeagerists would see a divide if they knew beforehand that Eren wanted to initiate the rumbling, with some sticking around for the cause and others possibly leaving because it’s too extreme. 25.1% believe that they all would have fully supported the rumbling in the name of their own survival. 15% believe that every Yeagerist already knew about the plan to commence the rumbling, and only 6% feel that they would most certainly have betrayed the Yeager brothers (and Floch) if they had known. 
I don’t know, this is a loaded question and I’m tired.
DO YOU THINK THAT, IF THE STORY ENDS PEACEFULLY, MIKASA WILL HAVE A ROLE TO PLAY IN HIZURU? 170 responses
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While this plotline may not be going anywhere in the manga (or so it seems), the reminder of its existence is brought to light again as we revisit these older moments from the manga. 32.4% feel that Mikasa wouldn’t leave Paradis behind to start a life on Hizuru. 23.5% think that she wouldn’t leave Paradis behind, necessarily, but will still have a role to play in Hizuru. 21.2% think it doesn’t matter because Isayama has completely discarded (or forgotten) about this plotline. 12.4% don’t know what to predict (if anything) and only 8.2% believe that her future lies in Hizuru beyond the main storyline.
The last two options plus me not caring. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
hizuru is already rumbled, gone, but she will continue the azumabito clan in paradis
Is no one else gonna question Kiyomi's hair being sucked into her skull??? HELLO MA'AM???
Hizuru is likely flattened
WHICH SCENE FROM THE PREVIEW ARE YOU MOST LOOKING FORWARD TO? 171 responses
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Episode 72 has already broadcasted as of the completion of this poll. For scenes that were most anticipated, 35.7% were most looking forward to seeing Levi and Zeke’s interaction in the forest. 33.3% most looked forward to Niccolo leaning straight from Gabi’s mouth that she is Sasha’s killer. 18.7% highly anticipated the Blouses learning about Gabi killing Sasha, and 9.4% were looking forward to Gabi/Falco and the Blouses gathering at Niccolo’s restaurant. Only a small amount were looking forward to Niccolo protecting Jean and Connie from drinking the wine.
ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS ON THE EPISODE?
Man the animation was gonky 
no levi </3
So many faces of Niles are weirds !
Let hange aloneeeeeeee and happy, please
I have no word for this, but I feeling good
Shit is getting really real now! 
Everyone talking about Eren’s abs and I just wanna say the music in that scene was amazing!
I loved how it was all neatly put together and fast moving
Armin looked so good. Homie walked from point A to B and i SCREAMED. Thank you. 
i wish they included eren's warhammer escape from the prison, besides that solid episode all around, the people chanting 'dedicate your hearts' gave me chills 
I can't stand Hitch at all but MAPPA made her really pretty. Re: The jacket scene The trailer version was pretty much identical to the manga panel. But I liked the version that made it into the final episode too. People have been so ridiculous about MAPPA ""ruining everything"" this season, they should stop watching if that's how they feel. I thought Eren looked great and found the sun shining on his abs funny. The scenery was better in the episode, imo. I hope they don't cut Jean's line about booze not caring about what race you are. Lmao
Meh. It's not bad of course, I just find the rythm weird and I don't really feel many emotions watching the episodes. And I was so thirsty for the jacket scene, and it turned out weird too.
Mappa pls stop drawing eren like shit he is gorgeous in the manga
MMGH SOON!! LET'S GOOOOOOO
You friccin moron, you just got zooked!
i miss eremin </3
Wish they had shown how eren used his titan powers to escape.
I'm so not looking forward to the controversy that's gonna be reignited during the EMA talk scene. I'm actually dreading it, but we'll finally get the Levi vs Beast Titan scene so I'll be fine
112 will destroy ships 
I felt the animation was flawless as usual but the script was kinda boring, I expected more of these aspects: -Yelena, it was bland with the cuts -Hange, they cut something I cant figure what in this Yeagerists coup act that turned her scenes a little bit lacking? Idk something -Again the soundtrack in the episodes is so silent. The only episode so far I liked the ost beyond the Opening and Closing themes is Reiner episode. I miss the melodrama of Witstudio osts
Eren putting his jacket on in slow-speed whilst talking at regular speed is fucking trippy
Just happy to see Hitch!
It was slow and mainly plot driven. I enjoyed it despite the changes.
goddamn is that a hella well-animated explosion
more abs please
Great episode. Really ridiculous how many people overreacted about the jacket scene. It's ok to perfer the way the trailer did it but to those who say Mappa is ruining the adaptation because of minor things like this, calm down. 
I wish the jacket scene was better But over all the ep is pretty good
Boring, but then again so was this phase in the manga.
I really like the VA they chose for Onyankopon! His voice is very warm and genuine, which suits his character well
The sunset was so aesthetically pleasing 
yoooo just read ch. 138 and im crying in da club :(
These MAPPA episodes have been a low point for me. I’m trying to enjoy them because I love this story but it feels like a chore.
WHERE DO YOU PRIMARILY DISCUSS THE SERIES? 161 responses
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Thanks again to everyone who participated!
13 notes · View notes
thetamrieliclibrary · 3 years
Text
Pocket Guide to the Empire, First Edition: Aldmeri Dominion
The Aldmeri Dominion is a relatively recent creation. [1] Formerly divided into he two realms of the Summerset Isles and Valenwood, the Aldmeri Dominion has its origins in CE830, when the heirs of the Camoran Dynasty began to fight over the Valenwood throne. When a faction of the Bosmer (Wood Elves) made overtures of peace to their longtime enemies in West Cyrodiil--territorial concessions in return for Colovian support for the faction's claimant--the Altmer (High Elves) of Summerset invaded the Valenwood Nations. Citing a stewardship clause in a treaty from a thousand years before, the High Elves quickly established a provisional government, the Thalmor, on behalf of their own claimant, Camoran Anaxemes, whose bloodline had struck the pact with the Aldmeri Council in the first place. As the Cyrodilic Empire was still in the shambles of the Interregnum, the Colovians were quickly driven back by the Aldmeri army. The other heirs of the throne were silenced, the Wood Elves thanked their cousins for bringing back stability, and the High Elves reminded Anaxemes the price of Summerset's aid: fifty years' fealty to the King of Alinor. The Aldmeri Dominion was born. [2]
The Thalmor strengthened its hold on the Valenwood Nations during the foundation of the Third Empire. Savage Bosmer tribes skirmished with the Estates along the River Strid, whipped to a frenzy by their High Elven masters. With the Empire now reunified under Tiber Septim, these attacks have subsided; but encampments wait on either side of the Valenwood border, awaiting a decisive battle.  On the occasions when the Elves probe the Empire's defenses, the Legions have sent them back in tatters. Indeed, the Colovians have taken to calling their enemy the "Old Mary" Dominion, for the womanly offensives of its Elven soldiers. The situation at sea, however, is another story, and the Dominion terrorises the southern waters from the Cape of the Blue Divide to the Topal Bay. [3] Their sorcery has made allies of a few Reachmen, the Maormer of Pyandonea, and, as of this writing, perhaps even the Elsweyr Confederacy. Though no formal declaration of war has been made, Tamriel is divided between the Empire and the Elder Races, and Tiber Septim has made it known to the Thalmor that he is the True Emperor of Cyrodiil, and heir to all of its former holdings. The Elves of Tamriel have yet to answer.
Considering we have endured their offenses for two thousand years, we know surprisingly little about the Aldmeri. (Only Morrowind, under Skyrim domination during the First Empire, and open to travel and trade during most of the Common Era, is somewhat better known.). The Elves of High Rock and Cyrodiil were either wiped out long ago or displaced into obscurity. As for the Elves of the Dominion, our knowledge of their regions is limited to brief Imperial occupations, or to the translations we have of their literature (see "The Scarcity of Elven Writings").
Of particular scarcity is information about either the High Elves or the Summerset Isles. During the Second Empire [4] ambassadors were allowed only in the capital of Alinor, and thus any description of the Altmeri homeland is confined to that city alone, and elsewhere (see Places of Note--Alinor). Furthermore, we can offer only this brief but reliable account of the High Elven people. It comes from the journals of Eric of Guis [5]. Reman's emissary to the Altmer, who lived among them ca. 1E2820:
"High Elves consider themselves to be the only perfect race. Over hundreds of generations they have bred themselves into a racially pure line, and are now almost identical to one another in appearance. The theory that the High Elves do not reproduce as quickly or as often as humans is false. Rather, and to my horror, they kill nine out of ten babies born to them in their obsession for purity.
"The Altmer despise other Elves as unsophisticated churls and barely consider the non-Aldmeri races at all. They pay their Imperial tithes, I'm sure, not for fear of war with the humans but rather to keep an invasion from "infecting" their islands.
"Breeding outside the pure line is a terrible, unthinkable crime, and taken as prima facia evidence of the tainted blood of the individual in question--if they were, they wouldn't have the impulse to do it. Exile to the mainland is regarded as equivalent to a death sentence, since there is no purpose to living outside their ideal society.
:They have a high regard for order and gravitate naturally towards wearing uniforms and speaking in formal patterns. Their trees and their livestock have been bred to be as standard and ideal as they are. They have no real names of their own, only combinations of numbers that, when aloud, sound to human ears as such. They feel no real tenderness for one another and have no concept of compassion.
"They are decadent and self-obsessed, and prize form and their own brand of manners or style as their main value. Aware of their aristocratic position, they surround themselves with riches and treasures, the works of great artists and the finest of everything, but have no real appreciation for any of these things. Each of them is concerned solely with himself, and as a result they do no real socialising; they meet and hold courts only to demonstrate their importance and power to each other. Rarely do they speak to the human ambassadors of Cyrodiil; when they do, their speech is full of riddles, or spell-words that enchant one to a satisfied madness."
Valenwood was claimed as a wasteland province of the Second Empire, and its geography is partially described in several Imperial surveys. Valenwood is noteworthy in that it has no cities or townships built by the Wood Elves themselves. Their strict "Green Pact" prohibits the use of wood or other vegetable derivatives as building materials, and they are too improvident to learn the use of stone. The Wood Elves permitted a few roads to be built by the Second Empire, but neglect their maintenance, as the Bosmer do not need roads to move easily through the thickest forest; these roads would be now overgrown were it not for the High Elves of the Thalmor, who have repaired and widened them for rapid passage of their arms to and from the coast. Much of the region is impenetrable mangrove and coastal rain forest, with few grasslands or glade areas until further north near the Strident Coast. Many of the human trading posts established by the Second Empire have been abandoned or claimed by the beastfolk--Centaurs, Orcs, and Imga--that share the forests with the Bosmer tribes. Humans, in general, have learned not to intrude in the forests of Valenwood. While they once depended entirely on the annual Stridmeet caravans of the Colovian  West, the Wood Elves now rely on the sea piracy of the Dominion for whatever they require from the outside world.
Concerning the Wood Elves as people, we must again turn to the prolific Eric of Guid. After a grateful dismissal from the Court of Alinor, he stayed with the Bosmer for a time at the capital city of Falinesti, during its summer migration. As the city strode along the coastal region of the Cape, Eric of Guis recorded much about Valenwood culture:
"No less abhorrent are the Bosmer than their kin at Summerset, but they are far more cooperative. The Wood Elves love the current human activity because it makes them feel important. 
"They are exclusively and religiously carnivorous. They cannot, or will not, eat anything that is plant-based. They eat game, beastfolk, each other, or meats imported from other regions. This part of the Green Pact is known as the Meat Mandate, and, among its other rules, it requires that a fallen enemy must be eaten completely before three days pass. The family members of the warrior that slew the enemy may help him with his meal. Needless to say, the Wood Elves do not like to engage in large battles if they have not undergone a suitable starvation period.
"Though they are excellent archers, the Green Pact forces their bowyers and fletchers to use bone or similar material, or to buy bows from other cultures. The use of woodcrafts created by another race is not forbidden, nor is the sale of their own Valenwood timber as long as it is collected by a non-Bosmeri.
"The Wood Elves, of course, cannot some anything of a vegetable nature. Bone pipes are common, however, and are filled with caterpillars or tree grubs.
"For a brief time the Colovian armies used Wood Elf archers, as in the War of Rihad two years past. The Bosmer proved to be too undisciplined and prone to desertion for further use. They would sometimes walk into the shade of a single tree and vanish. Their forest-coupling skills are remarkable. The title of their most famous poem, the Meh Ayleidion, means "The One Thousand Benefits of Hiding."
"At the trading posts of the Empire, the Wood Elves become very happy. Some creations of carpentry delight them to no end. Most of it has never occurred to them. They bring their own trade items: hides, river pearls, finger-bone charms made from the still-magically-charged hands of their dead wizards. They often buy woodcrafts that they have no use for or whose use they never bother to find out. Some of the bravest Wold Elven warrior use wagon wheels as shields, or as (they think) impressive headgear.
"While sometimes amusing, the Bosmer have a bestial side. They can resort to animal shapes if they need to, or water. Their most dreaded transformation is the Wild Hunt, which killed King Borgas [6] for the "iniquities" of his Alessian faith. The Wild Hunt is a pack of shifting forest-demons and animal-gods, thousands strong, which sweeps through the countryside killing everything in its path. The Wood Elves do not like to talk about the Hunt, and I gather they do not feel proud of this power at all--Gomini, my Bosmer companion of late, tells me that the Hunt is used for justice, but that also, "every monster in the world that has even been comes from a previous Hunt. Those Bosmer that go Wild, they not not return.""
The traveller is advised to avoid the lands of the Aldmeri Dominion. Though the Thalmor have representatives at the Imperial City, and the Cyrodiilic Grand Vizier Zurin Arctus is meeting with the King of Alinor, contact with the Bosmer and Altmer are often disagreeable to the common Imperial citizen. Avoid their books and magic. Wear the permitted weaponry when near their borders. If you are manly and able, apply for service in the Legions.
The Scarcity of Elven Writings
Much of the blame for this can be laid on the Alessian Order, which was tireless in ferreting out and destroying Elven writings during its long dominance. Today, we are left with the beautiful heresies of the Anuad, surviving only by virtue of their popularity and proliferation, and perhaps a dozen more works of lesser renown. This, though, does not explain fully the scarcity of Elven letters. We might turn to Dylxexes, an early human scholar, for another answer. After studying the financial records of the Direnni Hegemony, a High Elven merchant family that exploited the human kingdoms of its day, he had this to say: "These [records] may help to explain why so much of Aldmeri literature is forbidden, scorned, or untranslated, for I have seen [their] like before. The Direnni were either exceedingly paranoid or their system of economy so inextricably linked with dangerous theosophist numeral-symbolism that much of what is recorded here requires... sorcerous precautions on the part of the reader. [Hidden magic] is everywhere incorporated in their writings... signs and preternatural runes and [correspondences]... in expenditure columns, even, or margins [that] can be fatal to the uninitiated. Crucial pages were covered with the spittle of the previous translator, who had babbled idiotically over the text for days before catching fire."
The Great Apes of Valenwood
The Great Apes, or Imga, are native beastfolk of Valenwood. they see the High Elves as their lords and masters, and as a portrait of an ideal, civilised society. Great Apes go to desperate measures to emulate the High Elves: they wear capes, practice with the dueling sword, and attempt to speak with perfect enunciation and courtly manners despite their gravelly, baritone voices. Each Imga bears some kind of title, be it Baron, Duke, Earl, or the like, which they use when addressing the members of the Thalmor (needless to say, there are no landowning Great Apes). More extreme Great Apes shave their bodies and powder their skin white to seem more like the High Elves. They often cut themselves in the process, creating the truly pathetic picture of a naked white Ape, skin dotted pink with blood, strutting around the trading posts of Valenwood with mock nobility. The Imga feel that humans are beneath them as lesser beastfolk, and pretend to find their smell exceedingly offensive--a Great Ape holds a perfumed corner of his cape to his nose when Men are around.
Places of Note
Alinor
A forbidden city for nearly fifty years, Alinor is both capital of the Summerset Isles and the heart of the Aldmeri Dominion. Human traders were only allowed at its ports, and they described the city as "made from glass or insect wings." Less fantastic accounts come from the Imperial emissaries of the Reman Dynasty, which describe the city as straight and glimmering, "a hypnotic swirl of ramparts and impossibly high towers, designed to catch the light of the sun and break it to its component colours, which lies draped across its stones until you are thankful for nightfall."
Falinesti
The walking city of the Bosmer king, Falinesti is south in the summer and north come Hearth Fire. It is the largest of Valenwood graht-oaks, whose magic was invoked at the dawn of recorded history. The Camoran throne is somewhere in the highest branches, as are numerous other dwellings. Wood Elves climb about its surface like termites, or carefully swing from level to level by means of thorny vines. Humans have generally been too unsettled by the city to stay there long, though Great Apes and Orcs are common. The Thalmor has decided to change the campital of Valenwood from Falinesti to Elden Root for the duration of the Aldmeri Dominion.
Annotations
1. Of this pamphlet, this regime, this lunacy 2. I don't know where to begin pointing out the lies 3. !!! 4. My bones chill thinking of such rampant human trespass 5. Does Grandfather remember this fool? 6. Wood Elves of the Wild Hunt, 1e369, still about in Valenwood--Willy the Bitten returned to haunt Silvenar Grove, While King Dead Wolf-Deer stalks the Lynpar March.
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02. Don’t Trust Adults
Currently, I’m thinking that I want to write these as standalone pieces, even though, I’m keeping with the same AU Grace and Simon story. Takes place in the instance that they never got on the train, but crossed paths and became friends. But, for the sake of anyone who wants to view it as a series, I’ll number them. 3125 words TW: child neglect, abuse, mentions of child death
Previous 
She was 12. The past couple of years had been easier than all 10 preceding them, but she wasn’t quite aware enough to credit that to her friendship with Simon Laurent. To be perfectly honest, she was a very self centered child and that didn’t magically change when she found herself a friend at the age of 10. In fact, Simon’s attention made her a little more sure of herself. She had been working off of the idea that she was never good enough, even though she found it hard to find flaws in herself. 
She would look into the mirror and think, “She’s beautiful. She’s a goddess. how are people not seeing that??” She would look at the world and see flowing blond hair, fair skin, rosy cheeks and this was the height of all beauty. This was the height of all acceptance. It was meh, for her. She would look in the mirror. THIS is the height of all beauty. She kept a mirror on her at all times and in instances where she might be challenged or criticized, she would take a look at herself and remember. They’re just jealous. Look at you, and look at them. She would quickly get over any rudeness, alienation, or discrimination, because those people just wanted to be her, and you weren’t going to convince her of any other alternative.
Then, came along Simon. He was appealing in this "looks aren't his main concern, but he's got a few nice features" sort of way, and he always seemed to need to have his hands doing something.
The first time she saw him, when they were 10, she spent several minutes weighing out what she was seeing in front of her. A boy, her age or in her age range, a nerd? He had a backpack with a bunch of patches and pins on it - stuff that she wasn’t too familiar with, but TV and stuff would indicate were nerdy things. She had never met a real nerd, that she could remember, so that part was debatable. He wasn’t very wealthy. That was evident from the state of his pants that were ripped at one of the knees and clearly not in a fashionable way - he’d simply worn them out, and also his shoes... which WEREN’T shoes... they were sandals... and he had socks on with them... so... he had no fashion sense, EITHER, and apparently neither did whatever adult was responsible for him. If there WAS an adult responsible for him. 
It was nighttime. Her instructor had gone for a little while to finish up some things before the shops closed at 7 or 8, so it was nighttime, and this kid her age was running into this building from a gang of bullies, by himself, in the condition that he was in. There probably wasn’t an adult that cared, or realized... (in that case, probably didn’t care) because if you cared, you’d realized that your kid was a complete mess. 
And this kid was a complete mess. 
But... he seemed innocent, and he seemed nice. Grace may have been self centered, but she knew that nice kids weren’t easy to come across. After she sent the kid on his way, she thought that was that.
Whenever he came back the next night, she was convinced: This is a street kid. There are no parents. There are no adults. That must be really fun and cool! She demanded that her driver bring him home, and whenever the car stopped, she began to get out, too.
Simon seemed nervous to have her getting out of the car at his house, but what was he going to do? Argue with her? She’d just given him a ride home. He KNEW he should have gotten her to drop him off a few blocks away and pretended to go into some other house! “You don’t have to get out,” he said, anxiously. 
“Are you kidding? I have to see the adults that let you stay out past dark by yourself, and walk out of the house like that.” She circled a finger up and down his form and he blushed, embarrassed. But also... he couldn’t show his adults to her. They were always in their own spaces and he was always shut out of said spaces. She laughed and mumbled in singsong tone, “Socks and sandals.” He knew he was turning even redder and he was grateful it was dark out, though the moon did offer some light and the rest was provided by the open garage, where his dad was working.
“Dad, this is Grace. She gave me a ride home...” Simon said, shuffling his feet and looking at the ground with his hands pulling his backpack strings. 
The palest man that Grace had ever seen in her life, with blonder than blond hair, and blond flesh - if that was a thing and eyebrows and arm hairs, and just all blond colored features turned to look at her. She stepped back, but stepped on Simon’s toe and leapt forward apologetically, then reflexively extended her hand, “Grace Monroe of the Monroe Square Monroes!” She said. He had on work gloves, which he removed to shake her hand and offered a smile. It was a smile, she was sure of it, but his pale features made it a little hard for her to tell and she also thought it looked sad. 
But, his voice was friendly. He said, “Well, I never thought I’d see the day that a Monroe would be in here...” But he quickly became worried and crossed his arms over his chest, “Simon, what did you do?” He asked.
“I didn’t do anything!” Simon snapped. He had gotten into several fights in the past few weeks (none he’d started) and gotten enraged a few times and “vandalized” some things, so NOW, everybody always suspected that he did something.
“We’re friends!” Grace cheered, clapping her hands together, happy to be able to make such an announcement, whether or not it was true. This situation seemed to need some type of... nice girl talk. 
Mr. Laurent stared at her for a moment and lowered his arms. “Friends?” He didn’t say, “Simon doesn’t have any friends,” but Simon felt like he heard the statement as clearly as if he had. He shrank a little, hoping that Grace couldn’t hear it too. Instead, the man offered a smile and said, “Well, nice to meet you, Grace Monroe. Simon can tell you that I’m working on something and can’t afford too many breaks, but you’re welcome to anything in the house. You kids have fun.”
She looked confused. “I’m going home. It’s almost 10. We were just dropping Simon off because he was out...” But the man didn’t respond, as he put his work gloves back on and got back to his project.
Simon offered, “He’s kinda in the zone.”
“What about your mom?” Grace asked, excitedly. She’d never met a friend’s parents before and it was kinda interesting how different these were than her own! Her parents would NEVER be this chill about her coming home late from an unplanned appointment or event. Her driver was likely checking in with them right now, hopefully saying that there was unexpected traffic.
Simon looked incredibly sad, pulled out a luggage tag, attached to, but tucked into, his backpack of a family portrait and said, “This is her. But, she doesn’t like to be bothered. She’s probably reading or passed out. She’s my mom, but she doesn’t really do mom stuff anymore. Something happened and she’s... She has something where she’s really sad and has to try to get doctors to make her less sad, but it hasn’t worked yet, so she just stays in her room.”
Grace got sad. Uncomfortably so. She tried to change the subject and pointed to a little girl sitting in the photo, “Well, where’s this little cute thing? With a nanny, while your mom is sad-sick?” Simon’s eyebrows pushed closely together and he stared at the photo. He didn’t really talk about this. He didn’t like to, and his parents had stopped trying to speak with him about it too. Anytime it came up, he usually got really angry and scared. He tried to catch his breath, forgetting that Grace was there for a moment, but still wanting to at least hold on to some type of control.
Grace felt bad because of his face and she was worried that he was about to yell at her and tell her to leave. He was making the kind of face that her dad made right before he stripped away every inch of confidence that she had in something that she thought she did right, and he’d let her know that she had not. She stepped back and quickly tried to diffuse it. “Sorry. Sorry. I shouldn’t have asked. You’d have told me if you wanted me to know! I’m going to go. You have a good night, Simon.”
He looked up at her, and his face changed. It softened. It warmed up. His eyebrows evened out and a tiny smile fought to cross his lips. She sighed, a little bit relieved that the monster that she thought she’d woken up was gone and there was her new friend again. “You too, Grace,” he said. He tucked the tag into his bag, without looking at it, and went into the house, through a door in the garage. “Good night, Dad.” 
She looked at his super blond dad. He didn’t even seem to hear his son, but whenever she started walking away, the man said, “Good night, Young Lady!” Which... made her feel like maybe he’d purposefully not said it to Simon. She felt tears welling up in her eyes and she choked out another fake cheerful good night for the adult, because it was very rude not to reply to adults and if he was mean to his own son, she didn’t know how mean he might be to her if she insulted him.
After that night, whenever she brought him home, they just dropped him off, saw that he got inside, and left. After the recital, she wasn’t going to be having those practices anymore, though. She’d be back on a schedule at her home. She... wouldn’t see Simon again. 
The other girls went out for ice cream. They didn’t invite Grace. She was really upset about it, but whenever she heard Simon’s voice calling her name and turned to see that he had come out in, not only a complete pair of pants, but also actual shoes, she felt all of the rejection that was encasing itself around her heart just melt. She whispered, “Simon.” He smiled, a little startled and confused about whatever her tone of voice was, but he didn’t pay it too much attention and began to shower her with praise about the show. 
He admitted that he had to case the auditorium and find another way in, because he didn’t have a ticket, but that he had gotten in and had seen her entire performance. “You were the best out there!” he had said. Nobody ever told her that before. And even though it was true, in her mind, whenever Simon said it, it became a little bit more real. She felt validated and vindicated. Just like a game of Simon Says, but Simon is your friend and he knows what’s best... Not trying to make you look silly. She was gleaming... then it stopped. “What’s wrong?” 
“This is the last night that I’m gonna be here,” she said in the saddest voice that he’d ever heard come out of her. “I’m going to be at home tomorrow night and there won’t be another reason for me to be back in the city.” Simon’s face went through an array of emotions. His smile faded, then his mouth turned into a frown, then his lips quivered a bit and his eyes darkened and dampened. She was leaving? She wasn’t going to come back? He wasn’t going to see her again? She was gonna be gone... Just like... He lowered his head and blinked away tears. 
She felt her chest tighten again. “Maybe...” He looked up, hopeful and misty eyed, his face begging her for a solution to this pain she’d just inflicted on him, “Maybe we could find a way to see each other... closer to where I live? It’s far from you, but...” She shook her head, clenching her dress, “No. That’s stupid. And it’s unfair. You don’t have the means to come see me... But my parents will never let me come this far out without good reason...”
“I’ll do it!” Simon declared. “I’ll come to see you, sure.”
She couldn’t bear looking up at him, “How would you do that?”
“I’m...” He thought for a while, trying to even guess what would be possible for this, “Gonna learn the train schedule. I’ll figure out the route closest to you, and then hike the rest of the way there,” he said like it was some type of simple idea. And at 10, it seemed like one to her too. Because she looked up, in just as much excitement and smiled brightly. And that was all that Simon needed as fuel. Yes, he was going to make it work to see her smiling face. “Ummm... I can start learning tomorrow,” he said. 
“Okay, But... Do you wanna go get some ice cream with me before we take you home?” She had her dress clutched firmly in her gloved hands and hoped that he didn’t notice them, because she hated that portion of herself that did that whenever she was scared. Being scared was being lazy, and clutching her clothing to try to get over it was being weak.
“I don’t really have ice cream money,” Simon admitted, blushing in embarrassment. He had gone into his small savings just to get some decent pants and shoes, even though he got them thrift shop... they were outside of his budget. He was gonna buy himself a new figure to compose, but decided that Grace’s recital was more important, because she worked really hard and her parents couldn’t come. 
She laughed and waved a hand, “I’m inviting you, Simon. I’ve got you!” He smiled and nodded his head with a little affirmative grunt. I’ve got you. That mattered a lot to him that night. He wasn’t going to ever let it go, and two years later, he hadn’t.
.
They were 12. Grace was annoyed that she made the mistake of expressing interest in making the music she danced to, because NOW, she had to have hours of music theory, composition, and instrument practice added to her schedule, and that didn’t mean she got a “break” from dance. It only meant that she was fortifying her resume. She didn’t want to fortify her resume. She wanted to maybe watch one of those vids on the Internet, like Simon sometimes did to help him create a dragon out of household items, but like for her to create a really sick mix for her next audition... But, here she was, buried in research and scarce for free time.
Then, she heard her favorite sound in the world! Simon coming up the fire  escape stairs. He was the only person who ever used those, so she knew it was him every time. She put her work away in the drawer of her vanity, which she used as a desk, because she didn’t want a desk in her room, because it might just take up too much space, and she always had a lot of plans for the space in her room.
He climbed into the window and tossed his backpack down. She met him with a hug and asked him about what he was working on. Simon was her nice break from things. He would always be really excited to talk about the stuff that was going on in his life (his stories and models) and he always sprinkled in either something fun and competitive, or accolades for her as a person and her talents. It was perfect. She was able to get all of her praise, ignore all of her responsibilities for a bit, and most importantly, not delve too much into her private and personal matters. If she put the focus on Simon’s feelings and experiences, she didn’t have to share her own.
It wasn’t that she thought that Simon wouldn’t care about her problems, it was that she knew he would. Simon had enough problems without her burdening him with her stuff. 
Like, shortly after they met, his mom bought an emotional support cat, but she neglects it as much as she did him, so it wound up being Simon’s emotional support cat, only the cat is a TOTAL B word, and of all the things to call one... his mom decided on “Samantha.” Why on earth would anybody name a cat Samantha? Then again, the cat was a TOTAL Samantha. She knew she was smart and she was quite selfish and conceited. 
Grace told Simon that all cats are that way, but she only read that somewhere. Samantha was the only cat that she really ever gotten anywhere close to, and not often, because she didn’t go to Simon’s house. But, he always had things to say about her, and made a little comic “Tales of Samantha” that he’d post on the Internet. It had a huge following. Apparently, people who really loved cats also really loved talking a lot of trash about them and seeing them be terrible and funny at the same time.
Simon preferred talking about Samantha, grazing over his dad’s current model obsession, and occasionally venting about his mom. Like, how he stopped trying to make her dinner whenever he’d knocked on the door, as per house rules, and accidentally woke her up, causing her to have such an emotional explosion that his dad heard it from the garage and came inside to try to settle her down. Apparently, at some point in the explosion, she had confessed that it “Should have been” Simon... And he stopped at that point, in retelling the incident, and also in interacting with his mother at all. It wasn’t even that he disagreed with her. He just... Didn’t need to have to face that feeling if he thought that he didn’t HAVE to.
Grace had been exactly what he needed at the time, though. She always was. Her brown eyes were soft on him when he said out loud the most painful things that he ever thought he would have to say. She touched his shoulder, squeezed it and tousled his hair with the other hand, “It shouldn’t have been either of you. I’m sorry that your sister is gone, but I’m super glad that you aren’t. And it’s really unfortunate that it was her, but it shouldn’t have been you, either. And you constantly blaming yourself is bad enough, without additional help from the REAL villains in this tragedy. Who leaves their 10 year old and 4 year old unsupervised? It’s illegal in most states, and in those states where it’s legal, there is a time frame and she was still too young to feature in those. I read it, myself. The real problem with most of our lives is the adults.” Her face turned and she looked elsewhere for a moment, “They’re...”
“Not to be trusted,’ he completed the sentence. She smiled and looked at him again. He got it. Sometimes, it was like he was inside of her mind.
“Exactly.”
“But, they have all of the power. Even being a very independent 12 year old, if I do say so myself; there’s so many things that I can’t do without the approval or permission of one.”
“This world is rigged against us, Man.” 
“Speaking of things we read. I read that at 16, I can emancipate myself.” Simon looked thoughtfully ahead, “And I’m pretty sure that I’m gonna.” She smiled sadly and lowered her head. “You gonna come with?”
She laughed, “If I thought that there was anywhere in this world that my parents couldn’t find me and bring me back (And make me suffer for having the audacity to go), I’d have strapped on my sneaks and got to running a long time ago.” She rested her head on his shoulder. “But, you’ll still come see me, right?”
“I’m gonna leave my parents, Grace. Not you. I’d never leave you.” He wrapped an arm around her and she settled into his side, unaware that she had been so tense a moment before that needed confirmation. “We’re a team,” he whispered. She just smiled. We’re a team.
Next
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Text
Survey #290
“you’re a little pistol, & i’m fuckin’ pistol-whipped.”
What’s the biggest argument you’ve ever had with a family member? Did things ever go back to how they were beforehand? Definitely something with Mom. The biggest was probably in the car one night where she got so mad at me that she tried to kick me out of the car. No, I didn't listen. I don't really remember exactly what we were arguing about... other than it was something small that blew up about bigger themes. Have you ever experienced some kind of natural disaster? Hurricanes. If you have pets, do you feed them human food or do they just get regular pet food? If they do get human food, what’s their favorite thing to have? Roman only gets cat food. He's actually really well-trained about not taking human food after he did once as a kitten. Now he might just sniff around curiously and give it a look, but food can be pretty close to him and he doesn't go for it. Have you ever been in a physical fight? Who won? No. What were you lighting the last time you used a lighter or matches? Probably a candle. What’s the mode of transport that you take or use the most? Mom's car. Are there any sequels to things that you prefer to the original? I'm sure. Oh, Shrek comes to mind; I love the original, but the second is my favorite. What games do you play on your phone, if any at all? Just Pokemon GO, really. I have a couple others up there just for my niece and nephew to play. Aside from family, who was the last person you spent time with? How do you know that person? miss rona doesn't allow "hanging out." Do you spend a lot of money on your appearance? No. Have you ever had a zoo keeper experience or anything where you’ve been able to go behind the scenes and look after/feed the animals? I wish! :( Do you have an item that is your good luck charm? No. Your favorite thing about your job (or school)? N/A Least favorite thing about your job (or school)? N/A Do you have a "funny" toenail? No. Favorite canned soup? Meh, not a soup person. Do you have a particular coffee mug you drink from? No. Your take on declawing cats? It's cruel as fuck and you're despicable if you think it's all good and well to torture your cat like that. Do you have smoke detectors in your home? Yeah. What was your favorite snuggle toy when you were a child? First it was my little stuffed bunny that held a polka-dotted blanket, but through most of my childhood I cuddled a stuffed moose I got from Ohio at Cabela's. Brownie is still on top of my dresser. :') What did you do on your first date? Got Sonic and saw Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance in the theater. I had the weirdest first date in that he invited my mom lmao. I still count it as our first one, though. The last time you let someone go, was it to make yourself happy or them? Myself. Who was the last person that could tell something was wrong with you? My ma. Have you ever thought about online dating? If so, were you desperate? Well I had a long-distance relationship, but it wasn't through a dating app or anything. Had one of those once and am mortified by it (even though no one shoud be), but no, I wouldn't have called myself "desperate." I was just incredibly lonely. Do you try not to take a lot of medicine or do you take it whenever? I just take it if I need it, honestly. I've been medicated pretty heavily most of my life, so whatever. Are you ever scared of people reading your survey answers? I wouldn't put them out there if I was. Would you ever go back to your most recent ex? That's the plan if things go ideally, but I'm not letting my hopes get too high. It'll be nice if that happened, but I'll still live on if not. What’s your best friend’s pet’s name(s)? She has lots of pets. There's Martha, Crowley, Little Dot, Jane Marie, Doris, Buster, Mango, and for her fish, I only know the one pleco's name: Raisha. When was the last time you got a splinter? I'm not sure. Are there any spiders in your room right now? I mean, probably. Somewhere. Have you ever taken a picture while laying in the grass? Not of myself. Who’s your favorite Disney charater? Dory. Are there any framed pictures of you in your house? In family shots, yes. What was the first television show you were obsessed with? Pokemon. Do you and your friends normally say you love one another? Definitely. How often would you say you get sick? Almost never. Let's not jinx it. Is there anything you get for free as a benefit for being a member of something? No. When were you the saddest in your life? 2016 was a year I'd wish upon absofuckinglutely nobody. Do you think bald guys are attractive? It would depend on the person? I don't find them inherently unattractive or attractive. If you don’t recognize the number of who’s calling, do you answer anyway? Nope. How do you pronounce route? "Rowt" What's the last thing you looked at under a microscope? Something during a biology lab when I was still in school. We looked at a number of stuff. Pretty cool. What internet service provider do you have? ... We just moved and changed providers and I already don't remember. Do you ever hear of something disgusting that you haven’t seen, so you go and look it up? This is very rare. If something is *disgusting*, I don't exactly wanna see it. If you had to get a tattoo on your face to save your life, what would it be? I'd have to think on this. I'm not opposed to a subtle face tat anyway, maybe near my ear or eye. Has someone ever made you a Build-A-Bear? No... but I've always kinda wanted a partner to lmao that's cute as fuck. Who was the last person you were “in a relationship with” on Facebook (including anyone you may have put “in a relationship with” for a joke)? Sara. Were you ever “the other man/woman”? How did it turn out? How do you feel about it today? No, and I never would be. What do you think of open relationships? If your partner suggested it, what would you say? Not for me whatsoever, but it works for some people. I'd honestly leave the relationship because I'd feel like I wasn't good enough. Would you ever date out of your race? I have before, would do it again with no problems. Have you ever had a reptile for a pet? Oh, plenty! Did you have a swing set when you were a kid? Yes. Swings were my favorite outdoor "toy" as a kid. What is a book that you really want to read? The Testaments by Margaret Atwood. I fucking adore The Handmaid's Tale and I literally have the book, I'm just too into WoF to make time for it. What is something that you really want to try, whether it’s a hobby, food, etc.? A lot of things. I guess to name one... wow, now that I'm actually thinking, nothing is coming to me, lmao. What sort of things do you like to post or look at on Tumblr? Mark-related stuff, what a shocker. What type of people are you usually attracted to? "Different," but not in a super weird-you-out way. I like clearly unique, truly one-of-a-kind people. What song are you listening to at the moment? "Watching For Comets" by Skillet is on. I'm surprised I feel okay listening to it. How often do you take naps and how long do they usually last? Almost daily. They can be an hour or two... embarrassingly, haha. Who’s one person who changed how you viewed something? Hannah Hart on gay rights. How many pillows do you like to sleep with? Two. What was the best conversation you’ve had recently? I dunno. Have you ever considered modeling? Nooooooooooo sir. When was the last time you did something daring? ME? DARING? Who in the world knows. List five of your favorite foreign foods. Uhhhh. 1.) This requires a lot of thinking and 2.) I'm very uninformed in what is *actually* truly foreign food that I've eaten and not just an American adaptation. I'm not very adventurous with foods, either, especially when I know it's "foreign." What types of seafood are your favorite? I just like shrimp. Do you write a lot for pleasure? I wouldn't say "a lot" anymore. Do you like bacon? Oh yeah. Do you like Rammstein? Hell yeah, they're in my favorites list. Have you ever been to a State Fair? Maybe, but I don't think so. Do you like YouTube? Maaan, I don't know what I'd do without it lmao. If so what's your favorite channel? I like that Mark R. Pliers guy a little bit, and lately I've really been digging Snake Discovery and Hazelnuttygames. Good Mythical Morning/Rhett and Link are deep, deep in my heart still, even though I don't watch them anymore. There is truly a *lot*, it's why I don't need television, haha. What is your favorite small dog breed? Papillons, probably. When was the last time you went through a McDonald's Playplace? Oh yikes, no clue. I definitely haven't ~really~ been in one since I was much younger (uhhhh and smaller), but I do have a faint memory of starting to go in one chasing after a kid. Maybe my nephew when he and his dad visited? idr What was the first comic book you ever had an obsession over? I was never into comics. Do you like kids pop-up books? BITCH you are LYING if you say you don't like looking at the cool effects lmao. Have you ever ridden a camel? No. Have you ever punched somebody? No. Can you sing opera? Oh, definitely not. Who was the last person you video-called with? Have you done this more often since COVID hit? My therapist, and you could say that, considering I never did before because I hate video calls. If you have pets, when was the last time one of them annoyed you? What happened? Roman (my cat) was just playing too rough with my hand. He's always hyper in the morning. When was the last time you took a dog out for a walk? Is this your own dog or did you borrow someone else’s? Wow... it's been many years. I walked Teddy sometimes, but that definitely slowed down and eventually came to a halt as he aged and his joints got bad; he would hesitate going down the porch steps, and I didn't want him to get too tired mid-walk and then have to go up them. Have you ever been the victim of a theft or robbery? What was stolen? Did the police ever catch the person who did it? No, thankfully. Are you a fan of garlic bread? Do you eat it on its own or as part of a bigger meal? Garlic bread would ruin my life if I let it, lmao. It's always a side. When was the last time your area was under some kind of weather warning? Did it end up being as bad as predicted? There was literally a tornado warning three days ago. I don't think so, no, but then again I didn't really look into it. Do you prefer having the blinds/curtains open or closed when you’re at home? Does it depend on the weather or the time of day? OPEN. You NEED natural light, I promise. I used to like my room as dark as possible in my worst times, but I am so glad I cut that out. I like, feel a part of me lighten up when I open my blinds in the morning. Who was the last person to tag you in something on social media? How do you know that person? My mom shared something that reminded her of Roman. Have you ever eaten a Big Mac? No; I don't like lettuce in my burgers, so I'm sure I wouldn't like it. What brand is your vacuum cleaner? I'd have to check. Where was your favorite hangout as a kid? So at my childhood home, down the road was a "stream" (aka a ditch and drainage pipe going underneath the road) that usually had at least some water in it, but if it rained, it really started to feel more like a real stream to us kids because of the movement. It drained into the pond just beyond the woods, and my sisters and some neighbors loved to play around that area. What’s your favorite pizza topping? Pepperoni,ig. Which sport do you suck at the most? All of 'em lol. My hand-eye coordination is awful, and hell no can I run. Are you good at rapping? I've never tried, but I'm certain I wouldn't be. I stutter so badly, and it's been getting worse. Can you say the alphabet in more than one language? I know it in German. Do you eat three meals a day? It varies. What do you want out of life? Fulfillment. To feel like I did something worthwhile.
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lunamanar · 4 years
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Off-the-Cuff First-impressions Review: Trials of Mana
I got Seiken Densetsu 3/Trials of Mana in the mail today and am surprised by just how excited I am about it. After the admittedly predictable letdowns of the Secret of Mana “remake” and the FFVIII “remaster,” not to mention the iOS revision of the former, you’d think I’d be jaded at this point. 
But! FFVII remake is Actually Good, and so far it looks like Trials of Mana is, while certainly lower budget, also Actually Good. The voice acting is kinda meh, but not bad enough to detract from the game in my opinion, and considering they are working with SNES-era scripts (the dialogue is 99% word-for-word the same as the more recent translation of the original SD3 game, so it’s going to be a bit stilted anyway) it’s really not bad at all. 
Besides, the actual meat of the game--the world, character and monster design, and the gameplay--is extremely solid and I have had very little trouble acclimating to it. It’s fun to play, it feels good to run around and explore the world and the battles are both very simplistic in a way that is familiar to an old fart like me and very satisfying in the way they function. One of the biggest weaknesses the original game had was absolutely horrendous input lag in some areas due to 1. the sheer size of the loaded map section, such as Rolante/Laurant, 2. The number of on-screen instructions the SNES had to process during battles, particularly during fights where you had massive sprites taking up the entire screen (the awful awful wall-guardian “Genova” [harhar] is probably the single hardest boss in the game purely due to input lag/drops; when you attack an enemy, even assuming your weapon swings when you tell it to, and that’s a big ‘if,’ the monster you are attacking is actually in a state which is several frames ahead of whatever state it visually appears to be in on-screen, making it extremely difficult to time your attacks properly to both defend and do optimal damage to what should have been a relatively minor “miniboss” fight). Trials of Mana, on the other hand, has none of those problems, simply thanks to more modern technology. So far every fight I’ve engaged in has been smooth and responsive as well as very visually appealing.
And wow is this game pretty. It’s not the most amazing example of the best graphical advances in gaming history, to be sure, but I genuinely don’t think that matters, as it’s still beautifully detailed and really does look like they took the original graphics and magicked them into more modern models. The re-imaginings of each area and monster are very faithful to both the aesthetic and the layout of the original design while at the same creatively expanding on them; I've had no trouble finding my way around familiar maps or identifying the bestiary, but I have found a lot of added depth to them, such as the ability to jump down on rooftops and find hidden nooks that were just static backdrops or otherwise out of sight in the original. The areas are more layered and interactive, but very importantly, nothing is missing. Not even the dogs and cats, who still bark and meow at you if you talk to them. I feel like I’m being allowed to see and explore the original maps from angles I didn’t have access to in the past. It really makes the 16-year-old in me unbelievably happy, to be able to finally, actually see and do these things I could only wish for back then. For people who have never played it, it’s probably a very pretty, if otherwise unremarkable experience, but for me it’s the granting of a wish I’ve had for a long time, but never expected to happen. 
Similarly, I think a lot of people will look at the plot for this game and go, “...what?” Because it really doesn’t seem to have been changed at all from the SNES version, aside from a few little tweaks to the dialogue here and there to ease the transition between some sections or correct for differences in game mechanics (of which there are only a few; again, this is definitely a remake--it remains the same game with the same mechanics at its core). This can lead to some pretty awkward interactions between characters, and at times it seems pretty clear that the voice actors weren’t given a lot of direction about the context of their lines. It’s not a bad story, but it’s a very simply told one, and feels more like it’s targeting 12~16 year-olds (which it probably is, to be fair) who might not care so much about nitpicking the semantics of the plot and character motivations. Which is to say, most of the characters who are not main protagonists or villains are painfully cardboard-flat. They do what they do and say what they say because it advances the plot for them to do and say those things. Elliot falls for a “trick” that I’m pretty sure most 4-year-olds would see through. The Bad Guys are 1-dimensionally evil, wanting to either destroy or take over the world, with the possible exception of Lugar and Koren who have slightly more complicated “I’m your rival” reasons. That leaves the complexity up to the protagonists to shoulder, and while I haven’t played that far into the game yet, thus far is is beat-for-beat and shot-for-shot the same as the original, so I expect that character-building will be left largely up to the player to mentally write in, especially since the game features light/dark class-changes as a feature of its progression. (I do kiiiind of hope that your choice in class changes has a more material effect on the ending’s outcome, but I think that might be asking a bit too much from a remake of this sort.) But the somewhat archaic plot and character arcs are not surprising and for me don’t take away any of the game’s charm. Nikita is still the best, the shop owners still dance inexplicably, the fact you can play a werewolf is badass, rabites are still cute, Don Perignon is still kind of a jerk. I’m very nervous/excited to get Busukaboo and Flammie and hope they’ll be as much fun now as they were then. And the whole world is so damn pretty, I’m just glad to be there. 
I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the music. I’m not sure how much of a hand Hiroki Kikuta actually had in this remake, but the synth-orchestral arrangements of his originals are excellent so far. They’re both accessible/adaptable to the game’s sudden scene transitions (”Nuclear Fusion” starts and ends just as cleanly) while being a richer version of the themes, keeping close to the original sound while making better use of all the instruments that the SNES just wasn’t capable of emulating well. It blends very well with the rest of the game and I hope that continues to be true. 
I do have nitpicks; while I know it’s a popular mechanic, I don’t like the “shift-lock” sort of dash using the left analog stick as both directional and a button. I think the camera controls are solid, but I do wish there wan a toggle-option to have the camera just follow over your shoulder wherever you run until you either run into a battle or turn it off. The character models don’t seem especially affected by anything except the most intense/pervasive lighting and sometimes feel oddly out of place, like I’m watching one of those old movies where an animated character comes into the Real World. Some of the monster designs seem cute-ified more than I’d like. And I can’t help but think that if the game can be this nice as a third-tier title for SE, what could it have been if they’d but the resources behind it that they obviously did with FF7? I understand why they didn’t, but it’s hard not to wonder what it could have been if they had.  Seiken Densetsu is one of the most fraught series in the history of home video games and the fact that it’s even still around is something of a miracle, in my opinion. After the last...four?...titles following Legend of Mana, and the disappointment that was SD2′s (second!) remake, I really didn’t go into Trials of Mana with high hopes. I have been really, honestly pleasantly surprised. Even if you’re a diehard old-schooler who really doesn’t like modern JRPGs, if you have any nostalgia left for this series, you should give this one a go. I think it translated really well to 3D models, and what little it loses in the switch, it makes up for in playability. It’s not hard to pick up, it’s easy on the eyes and ears, it’s less grind-y than the original, and it doesn’t try to be more than what it is. I’ll probably always prefer the original, of course; there are too many memories attached to it for me, too many things that were groundbreaking at the time that are now old news or completely obsolete nowadays, and the new game certainly doesn’t push any modern boundaries. But it’s worth checking out, and especially if you’ve spent 20 years feeling let down by the Mana series, this might actually be the game you were hoping for, albeit maybe a decade late. 
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Sacrifice
Marvel
Characters: Steve Rogers, Bucky Barnes, Friend!Reader, (Natasha Romanoff, Clint Barton, Tony Stark [mentioned], Stephen Strange [mentioned]) 
Warnings: Angst, major injuries, major character death (or is it? Wink, wink). Basically, don’t be too scared!
Words: 5.9k
A/N: Hello fam! Last spring I truly discovered Marvel and fell in love with it, and has been writing some one shots here and there since then. I know I’ve gotten some requests to write other stuff, but I have so much to do with uni and everything right now so I don’t have time really to write something good enough to post. This however, has just been sitting on my computer since summer, and today I finally pulled myself together and did the final tweaking it needed, so hopefully this is okay for now, even though it isn’t the greatest thing I’ve written haha. And also, the gif isn’t mine even if it really does things to my heart lol (I just wanna hug him, okay?) Also, I suck at titles. 
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You glance to your left, where Bucky and Steve are standing, as safe as they can be in a battlefield. And then you smile at them, softly, with a sad, apologetic, expression on your face. Because you are sorry, sorry that it has to be this way. And Bucky’s eyes grow rounder and rounder, while Steve opens his mouth to yell something — your name? A cry for you to stop? — while there’s an increasing fear in their cerulean and steel blue eyes as the realization of what’s really about to happen settles in. And you know, that this is where it ends.
A couple of hours earlier
You turn the corner of the hallway, and are greeted with the sight of Steve and Bucky, standing in the other end. Bucky is leaning back against the wall, and Steve stands before him, arms crossed over his chest. As far as you can tell from a distance — judging by their body language — the conversation is casual and lighthearted, despite what’s about to happen later today.
”Hey guys,” you call as you walk up to them, excited bounce to your step.
”Hey kid,” Steve greets you, with a smile ghosting over his lips when he sees you.
”New suit?” Bucky asks as he looks you over, straightening up and turning to face you, eyebrows perking up.
”You bet,” you reply, grinning proudly as you do a little pirouette, holding up your hands into the air. ”You guys jealous?”
Bucky huffs with an amused expression on his face.
”Nah, I’ve grown to like mine,” Steve teases, placing a hand on his hip before gesturing towards your new uniform, as he would call it, ”but it looks fancy.” 
”Thank you,” you respond with a grin. ”Tony designed it for me, I’d love to tell you about all the new finesses and stuff, after all of this,” you continue, winking and wondering if they’ll take the bait, take the opportunity you gave them to tease you even more.
Because listening to you talk about all the new functions and details of your suit has a strong possibility of being quite boring — although, you are pretty invested about it yourself, finding it all very cool. Awesome, even. But then again, it’s your suit, so.
”Well, I’d love to hear it,” Bucky says as he tilts his head slightly to the side, eyes leaving the details on your shoulders that he’s currently looking at, to meet your gaze, a glimpse in his eyes.
”Me too,” Steve agrees, and you look up at them with so much adoration in your eyes, you don’t even try to conceal it. How did you find friends like them?
Because now you’re once again reminded of how great they both are, and you feel all embarrassingly soft on the inside. You’re incredibly lucky to have them in your life, and you do try to remind yourself that as often as you can, because you really don’t know if you deserve them.
You met Steve in a time he felt the loneliest, and when you felt the most lost. You were technically still a kid back then, and now a few years later, when you’re more secure in yourself and your powers are stronger, your bond isn’t any less strong, thank goodness.
And then Bucky came back and you stuck by Steve’s side through all the angst and heartbreak. And when Bucky really was back, you tried to distance yourself — to give them some space to catch up, and also, Steve had his true best friend back now, he didn’t need you. But Steve wouldn’t let you, telling you that he never had much friends in his life and he wasn’t going to give one up just because another one came back, even if it was Bucky, who he grew up with. So then you got to know Bucky as well. Once, the former assassin — well, the Winter Soldier wasn’t even him in your opinion — even said that he often forgets ’how you were born in the 90s and weren’t with them yet back in the 40s’ and that is something you’ve taken to heart and carry with you.
Of course, it’s a fine line to walk, because you don’t want to intrude on their friendship. But so far, they haven’t said or implied that that would be the case, so as far as you can tell, you’re good.
”Are you ready (Y/N)?” Steve asks, his tone more serious now, bringing you back to the moment.
”As ready as I’ll get,” you reply, shrugging and looking directly into his blue eyes, giving him a nod.
The fight that’s about to go down is a serious one, but you try not to think about that too much. It makes it harder to focus, and you don’t want to be too tense.
Get in there, do what you came to do, and go home. That’s the motto.
Although, you are still very aware of the battle’s importance, and that’s not something either of you can deny.
”How ’bout you?” you ask, looking from Steve to Bucky.
”Meh,” Bucky shrugs, casually.
”Of course,” Steve says and nods.
It’s quiet for a moment, before Steve speaks up again, looking from Bucky to you.
”Should we go and meet up with the others? We need to go over the plan again.” You and Bucky both nod.
”Sure thing,” Bucky says, and then you all leave your spot — Bucky curling his arm around your shoulders as you walk — the impending battle feeling more and more real and threatening by the minute.
You walk along the empty street. To your left is Steve and Bucky, Steve with his shield at the ready, and Bucky clutching a rifle. To your right is Natasha and Clint, both at the ready too. For as long as possible you’re going to stick together as a group. Safer that way.
It’s eerily quiet. Since the confrontation a few blocks back, there has been no one to be seen. There’s no cars on the streets and no people outside. And that goes for both civilians and enemies.
The only movements are some papers blowing in the wind. The sky is a dark gray and seemingly hanging low above your heads, like it’s about to fall down.
You’re just about to open your mouth to state out loud what you’re all thinking — that it’s too damn quiet — but never get so far.
Because suddenly, you’re under fire. Further down the street, hostile figures jump out from the connecting passage ways to the street you’re on. Bullets, grenades — and ammunition you’ve never seen before — are also coming from above, so they’re in the surrounding buildings.
You and your friends just walked into a trap. Without thinking, you throw your hands out, and the bullets closest to you freeze in the air. A few are only a couple of feet away from Natasha’s face when they stop moving. With your powerful mind, you push them further back towards the other bullets that’s hanging in the air — while Natasha stares with round green eyes — and as your enemies keep shooting, more bullets get stuck in the invisible vail.
It takes a lot of concentration. All of your concentration, more exactly, everything else around you seem far away and fading. Your face is set in a deep frown, and your jaw is clenched. You feel the headache coming like a pressure that wraps itself around your head. You hear your heartbeat thumping in your ears.
”(Y/N),” Steve breathes from besides you, staring from the growing ensemble of bullets and grenades and whatever, to you. ”Wh—what are you doing, you’re going to wear yourself out.”
Your arms are beginning to shake, and there’s a tickling sensation on your upper lip; you know your nose has started to bleed, as it does when you’re about to knock yourself out by pushing yourself too hard. Meanwhile, the bullets keep getting stuck in your invisible power wall, like flies in a spiderweb. Or even better, flies in one of those sticky fly traps.
”Move,” you hiss, through gritted teeth. You hadn’t heard what he had said, but it doesn’t matter. He and Bucky and the others need to get out of here now.
No one moves. Natasha looks at Clint, and Bucky looks at Steve and then they all stare at you.
”I said MOVE,” you scream, and then the redhead and the archer moves out of the way, running to the side of the street, hiding behind a building, out of the line of fire. They’re smart, you think to yourself through the hammering headache.
”(Y/N), what are you going to do?” Steve calls back over the noise of the battle. There’s alarm in his voice and it doesn’t seem as collected as usual. It’s even a bit wobbly.
This time you try to listen, even if it makes your head hurt more. Because he’s Steve, and he isn’t going to move if you don’t reply.
”I’m… going to redirect… the bullets…” you force out, not happy about having to talk while trying to stop the rain of deadly ammunition to reach your friends.
And as much as you want your reply to be true, you can’t guarantee that it will be. And that’s why you want the people you care most about in the entire world to move out of harms way, just to be sure.
If this goes south, you’re not only saving their lives, but the lives of the many people you know they’ll save.
Because your knees are growing weaker, and you’re feeling dizzy, but you try hard not to let it show. If not even a part of them believe you, they won’t leave their spots.
You dare to glance to the side, where you see Bucky and Steve both hesitating.
”Get out of the way,” you then scream, with finality in your voice and so much fire in your eyes that they actually move.
Bucky grabs Steve’s arm and pulls him away.
”Just trust me?” you ask, glancing up at your two taller friends.
Bucky nods. ”Of course.”
It’s time to trust you, he decides — what else can he do? — but he does find it harder to breathe against the pressure over his chest, and his heart is pounding against his ribcage. His mouth is dry and he tries to swallow to make it better, but there’s a lump in his throat that makes it hard.
When he and Steve reach the far end of the street, hiding behind a corner, pressing their backs close to the wall, they are left with no options but to wait and see what their much younger companion is going to do. Both hold their breaths, without realizing it. Bucky clutches his weapon, and Steve his shield.
You press your trembling, tired arms together directing them straight forward, so they’re outstretched right in front of you and as you do, the bullets draw together in front of you. You then lower your arms, and the lump of ammunition goes along with it. Now none of it is in level with your head at least.
The plan was to blow up all of the ammunition while still keeping it at a safe distance — while hopefully buying some time for your friends to attack as your enemies weapons are useless — but now you know that that isn’t going to happen; you’re too tired, there’s too much ammunition. You try to peak your attention, your energy, to push it all further back, to a safer distance. But the bullets don’t move at all, just wobbles in the air, and the only thing that happens is that you let out a groan as a reaction to the searing headache that peaks as well, while the blood from your nose turns to a steady stream.
So you glance to your left where Bucky and Steve are standing. Their blue eyes find yours and despite feeling like throwing up and caving in, you smile. You watch their facial expressions morph into their individual versions of pure, uncensored horror, and your stomach twists.
But you try to stay strong, even when your body is about to give out. This is your choice after all. You choose to save them, no matter what the cost will be for you.
So you give them a small nod, because this can very well be the last time you see them. You catch Steve leaving his spot and trying to run towards you, eyes wild, so you know you have to do this fast, before he gets too close and goes down too. This world needs all the heroes it can get, so you turn your head forwards and with the last bit of concentration, you blow up as many of the handful of grenades as possible, before you give in, completely emptied of all of your powers. The vail crumbles as you do, but you don’t have enough time to fall to the ground before the bullets comes soaring through the air, hitting your middle and lower body with such force that you’re thrown backwards like a rag doll.
You’re only briefly aware of the screams surrounding you, while your vision blacks out as your back hits the ground. And when the darkness slowly fades away, and you come to, you are left to stare up at the gray, rain-laden clouds above and the papers sailing down from it — a hole in the skyscraper to your right — unable to move. You draw a raspy, gurgling breath and then two familiar faces come into your field of vision.
”For g-god’s sake (Y/N),” Steve stammers and he feels his eyes sting, trembling hands finding the sides of your face, cradling your head. ”No.”
He can’t believe what he’s seeing. Despite the blood — on your torso, on your face, all over your legs — he can’t wrap his head around the reality that life is currently leaving you, the young girl he found those years ago and practically adopted. His eyes dart over your face and he winces when it scrunches up as a new wave of pain hits you. You don’t realize that it’s Bucky desperately trying to put pressure on at least some of your — larger — wounds.
You glance up at Steve with glassy eyes, not being able to see the details of his face anymore, which makes you sad. He’s a blurry shape now and you can’t really focus on his gaze that you so desperately want to meet, like you always do when you need reassurance.
Bucky leans into your field of vision too, his face bright with fear even though he tries his best to keep calm. A sweaty strand of his hair falls from the knot he had tied his hair into that morning, into his eyes.
”(Y/N), stay with me kid, and don’t you close your eyes just yet,” he says with a determination, but softness, in his voice that you admire but know is a waste. ”It’s not your time, not yet.”
Because your eyelids feel impossibly heavy and the world is going even fuzzier around the edges and it doesn’t even hurt anymore. You try to smile, but it’s probably not a pretty sight with bloodstained teeth and a numb face.
”’S okay…” you breathe out, and you don’t know if they hear it or not.
Steve shakes his head, blond bangs swaying back and forth as he does so. His eyes keep stinging, filling with tears and blurring his vision, and he keeps blinking them away because he needs to see.
”Steve, we need to move her, now,” Bucky says, lifting his gaze from the blood and glancing at Steve. There’s something dark and heavy in his eyes and Steve understands it, even though he doesn’t want to admit it.
A whole minute has passed since you fell, and that’s more than the majority gets once they’ve fallen on a battlefield. Steve and Bucky must not be under too much fire at the moment because then they wouldn’t be able to be here with you even if they wanted to. That brings you to the estimation that they’ve probably gained some back-up by now; and if you had been able to see, you would have spotted the familiar suits of the previously absent Avengers, as well as a ship — soaring through the sky — that’s one of your own.
Steve staggers to his feet, and holds up his shield.
”Don’t worry, (Y/N), we got you,” he says, with glossy eyes as he looks down at you. ”Just… just stay awake.”
Bucky snakes his arms under your knees and behind your back, and lifts you up. Your sight goes away for a moment as he does so. When it returns you spend a moment just looking up at Bucky as he weaves through the scene, following Steve closely. And there, pressed to Bucky’s chest, you really feel how tired you are, and your whole body just feels so numb and limp and your eyelids grow even heavier and then you let them slip close, not really noticing that they do.
”Here,” Steve breathes when they find a hiding spot, a block away from the center of the fight. ”Here’s good enough.”
Bucky nods, not trusting his voice, and kneels down to place you on the ground. He feels bad, laying you down on the hard asphalt but there aren’t any options. Steve crouches down next to you and Bucky, and when he sees how pale you look, and how your lips are losing their color, his heart lurches.
Steve grabs your shoulder, giving you at little shake. ”(Y/N)?”
A tear rolls down Bucky’s cheek as he realizes, he knows.
Steve doesn’t, and he shakes you again — your head lolling to the side — sounding much younger than he is when he calls your name again.
”(Y/N)?”
”Steve—” Bucky interrupts with a choked voice, gaining Steve’s attention, placing a hand on the blond’s shoulder.
When Steve looks up at his best friend, and sees the brunet’s puffy, red and tear-filled eyes, he understands.
He stares down at you again. Somehow you look peaceful, underneath all the blood, and yet it’s very, very, very wrong. Steve grabs your hand.
”No,” he whispers, ”no, no, no, no, no, no. You can’t be dead, (Y/N). She can’t be dead.”
Steve stares up at Bucky, blue eyes pleading. Bucky slowly shakes his head.
”No!” he then yells, shaking his head in denial.
”M’sorry Stevie,” Bucky says, tears rolling down his cheeks.
Bucky who, as many people as he killed while he was the Winter Soldier, has never had someone close to him die like this. Sure, he always prepared for having to face Steve’s death but it never came. The other man, however, had seen his ma die, Bucky die and then Peggy had died. Bucky’s whole family is dead, yes, but it had never happened in the present for him and not when he was in his right mind. And now he doesn’t really know what to do, besides feeling fully and utterly crushed.
Meanwhile, Steve looks down at you, before grabbing your shoulders and pulling you into a tight hug. He presses you close to his red, white and blue clad chest, a hand on the back of your head, buried in your hair.
Bucky watches and cries quietly, continuously wiping away his tears as they roll down his face. This is all so wrong. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be.
”Way too young and way too good,” Bucky murmurs after a moment, mostly to himself but Steve hears anyway.
”I-I’m gonna end them… all,” Steve growls to the sound of bombs and bullets in the distance.
Right here though, it’s quiet.
He then slowly lays you down again, head last and gently. His lower lip wobbles for a moment but still he can’t take his gaze away. He reaches down and tucks a loose piece of your hair behind your ear. Then he wipes away some of the blood from your nose with the back of his hand. Hot, heavy tears spills over, landing on his cheekbones and then rolling fast down his face.
”What the hell are we gonna do, Buck?” he whispers with so much devastation and heartbreak on his voice that Bucky’s heart shatters all over again and his face twists up in pain.
He hasn’t felt this way in a long time. The only moments that could compare are the ones that took place when he was young and Steve so sick that nobody knew if he would survive the night. But again, he always did.
Steve looks absolutely hopeless, and Bucky quietly pulls him into a tight hug. Neither of them know what to say, so they just cry silently. They should go back to the fight, help their team members, but they can’t bring themselves to move. Instead they spend a long — seemingly endless — moment in the worst pain there is, before it’s abruptly cut short of something gaining Bucky’s attention. He looks down at you again, to the sound of Steve asking what’s wrong.
He doesn’t answer right away though because it’ll just hurt even more if he’s wrong, and since the other option isn’t possible, that’s what’s going to happen.
But he stares, eyes round and mouth hanging slightly open as he watches tensely. Steve slowly lets him go, and turns to look at you too. And then you twitch. At first Bucky just thought he’d blinked, but then he noticed Steve’s head turning towards him in the corner of his eye. He glances back at Steve and they look at each other for a moment before you let out a groan and Bucky’s heart lurches, because of all the pain, relief, confusion and absolute joy all together.
You’ve always been very good at tugging at his heartstrings — ever since Steve introduced you to him, him being kind of a mother hen, practically claiming you as his own — but this is understandably the worst one yet. He might need to retire after this, or at least not do anything for a couple of weeks to recover from this emotional rollercoaster, because his nerves are now broken.
”(Y/N)?” he breathes, and when you move a little more he almost slumps forwards as all the stress that’s been keeping him indescribably tense leaves his body. 
And when you open your eyes, Steve and Bucky agrees that it’s probably the most beautiful thing they’ve ever seen. Top five, at least. They have no idea how it’s possible, but both of them have seen enough unbelievable things in their life to not question it too much.
Bucky sits back, mouth hanging open. He blinks, his mouth slowly curling into a smile as tears well up in his eyes again, but this time they’re happy ones.
Steve scrambles forwards, hand on your shoulder. He looks intently down at your face, looking for any sort of flutter of your eyelashes or twist of your mouth, or any sort of movement or twitch.
And then your eyelashes do flutter, your eyes slipping open. At first you just gaze somewhere in front of you, eyes half open and observing a white star on blue fabric. Your eyebrows draw together a little, until you lift your gaze and meet the sky blue one of Steve. And then you smile, a very small, tired and crooked one, but a smile nevertheless.
You begin to try and sit up, but Steve gently applies pressure to his hand on your shoulder, motioning you to lie down again. Not yet.
”(Y/N)?” he breathes, eyes filled with so much emotion.
You can tell that he’s holding back the happiness that wants to break through because he’s not sure if this is all real yet.
You nod. ”Steve,” you croak, and then your eyes drift to the brunet behind the blond, ”Bucky.”
Steve lets out a small, quiet chuckle in spite of himself, lump still in his throat but the pressure over his chest is easing up.
Meanwhile, Bucky is looking over your abdomen. It’s hard to see because of all of the red staining, but when he inspects it closer he can see that the wounds are closing up, not as deep as before. The bullets have all risen to the top of them as well, so much that Bucky can pick them out.
”How are you feeling?” Bucky asks when he’s done, voice still small and raspy from the crying but all the sadness gone from his features. Now he just looks astonished, red rimmed eyes wide.
It feels like a dumb question, but he doesn’t really know what to say.
”A little sore… but good,” you reply and this time Steve and Bucky lets you sit up when you try, both of them grabbing one of your hands each.
Steve can’t stop himself, and throws his arms around you. You smile wider, before scrunching up your face.
Meanwhile, Bucky turns on his earpiece again. He doesn’t know when he turned it off, not wanting to hear the other teammates talking about the fight anymore, but now that it’s back on, he uses it.
”Guys, we need medical attention,” he says into the comms, but his voice aren’t filled with that much fear anymore. Instead he sounds quite calm for a change. He glances up at the brick wall next to you three and reads the street number into the comms as well.
”Barnes,” comes a voice that he recognizes as Natasha’s. ”How is (Y/N)?”
Her voice is strained, as if she’s trying to keep herself together, but still there’s a hint of hope in her voice. She’s probably thinking that Bucky’s tone would be different if you were either dead or dying.
”She’ll survive,” he replies and looks down at you and Steve hugging with warmth in his eyes and his lips curling into a smile.
A sound that he defines as Natasha sighing with relief is heard and Bucky can’t help but to breathe out himself.
”That’s… fantastic,” Clint replies for his red-haired partner and Bucky has never heard the archer sound like that before; a little lost for words.
Bucky nods to himself, despite them not being able to see it. ”It is,” he replies. ”I’ll keep you updated,” he says finally before turning back to you and Steve.
”Ssssteve,” you groan finally, smiling but scrunching your nose. ”Too tight…”
Steve releases you instantly. ”Sorry,” he murmurs, worried, but when he sees your expression, he relaxes.
Bucky shuffles closer, taking your hand; his eyes soft but confused. ”(Y/N)… you’re not a super soldier, are you? Or is there something we don’t know about you?” He looks worried, eyebrows drawn together.
You shake your head and both Steve and Bucky look a little relieved, relieved that you’re still the person they think you are. ”It’s the suit.”
”Tony freaking Stark,” Steve murmurs with amazement, his blue eyes glossy, a grin ghosting over his face though.
”How?” Bucky questions, completely fascinated.
”He made it with material… Doctor Strange… charmed… or something. Has these healing properties. Owed me a… favor,” you explain, flashing a crooked grin before letting your eyes flutter close for a moment, tired.
This time Bucky and Steve aren’t so scared that they won’t open; and they do, a few seconds later.
”That is the best thing I’ve heard,” Bucky concludes, smile bright on his face.
”You guys could tell them thanks,” you state, voice raspy still.
”We will,” Steve nods, and the way his eyes are so sincere and soulful, you know that he will make sure of it.
”Send… flowers, or somethin’”, you continue, and it’s a joke but you can’t manage to let the humor shine through in the state your in.
Bucky and Steve understand anyway.
”I think they deserve a little more thanks than that,” Bucky replies, his warm, steel blue eyes meeting yours. Then he leans closer and gives you a tight hug, pecking the top of your head. ”I’m so happy that you’re okay, you little punk.”
”Thought I was the punk,” Steve comments from besides him, trying to sound offended, but the relief on his rosy-cheeked face, and the way his eyes are glossy, gives it all away.
”You’re both punks,” Bucky looks up at his blond friend and sets things straight with a stern but loving tone, before turning his head towards you again. ”And little shits that keep testing my sanity. Please don’t. I’ll kick your asses if you do that again.”
You laugh tiredly, and smile. Steve gives your hand a squeeze. ”I promise.”
Bucky looks over his shoulder, as if he has a sixth sense, and sees a discreet van pulling up, one that he instantly recognizes as SHIELD’s — he has a practiced eye for details — and two paramedics jump out of it as it stops a few feet away from your small group.
”Help is here,” he murmurs softly as his eyes land on you again.
You frown a little, sitting up straighter. ”I can still fight, you know.”
”(Y/N),” Steve instantly objects, ”you were practically dead just ten minutes ago.”
”You’ve lost a lot of blood, even if your wounds are healed,” Bucky states calmly, and your gaze moves from Steve to the brunet. ”And besides, it sounds like the battle is dying down, so I think we can manage by ourselves. We’ll be offended if you think that we can’t handle it without you.”
You look a little unsure still, eyes worriedly looking at Bucky.
”Try to stand up,” he says then, trying to prove his point. ”You’ll probably be dizzy.”
So you gather yourself — pulling your legs closer to your chest and then pushing yourself upwards — to prove him wrong. The only thing is that he is actually right, and your knees give out instantly, black flashes across your vision, and your head is spinning, reeling. Bucky catches you, picking you up and laying you down on the stretcher that the paramedics has brought out. Steve watches with a little sadness in his eyes when you have to be carried, but really, he couldn’t possibly be more relived than he is in this moment. He closes his eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath. Finally, it feels like the oxygen really enters his lungs again and he can finally relax.
Bucky places his large hand softly on your head, sending you a fond, small smile. Then he leaves to join Steve a few feet away, to let the paramedics work in peace.
You keep your eyes on them as they strap you down to the stretcher. Once again, tiredness wraps itself around you like a thick blanket, fully, heavily and scarily comfortingly. You let yourself relax, and it feels like you just melt on the stretcher that now supports your weight.
”Will you come and look for me, at the hospital?” you ask, eyelids drooping once again.
”You already know we will,” Bucky replies without hesitation, a reassuring security in his voice.
”As soon as we can,” Steve adds, gaze earnest as his blue eyes rest on you. ”It won’t be long. We’ll hurry.”
”That’s nice,” you hum, before the paramedics carry you away and into the van.
Somewhere on the way to some sort of a hospital, you fall asleep.
Next time you open your eyes, coming to, you’re looking straight up at a white ceiling. You subconsciously curl your hands up into fists, gathering blankets in them. Meanwhile, the memories of the fight start to come back, first slowly and then all at once, and you know that you’re in the hospital.
You tip your head to the side, eyes landing on Steve in a chair next to your bed. He has his elbow on the armrest, and the side of his face placed in his open palm, supported by his elbow’s placement. His long legs are stretched out, feet somewhere under your bed, and he’s fast asleep.
You scoff softly, smiling to yourself, and as if on queue, Bucky enters the room, two coffees in his hands and his hair tied into a bun on his head. His steel blue eyes goes round — his whole face lightening up — when he sees you up and awake and reaching for Steve’s hand.
”You’re awake,” he beams, setting down the coffees instantly on the table next to your bed — by a bouquet of flowers that they must’ve brought with them — before swatting Steve on the upper arm so that he jerks awake with a snort, blinking as he tiredly looks around himself.
”Yeah,” you murmur, pushing yourself up into a sitting position with Bucky’s hands quickly there to help you up. ”How long was I out?”
Steve cranes his neck to look up at Bucky. ”And how long was I out?”
”(Y/N), about five hours, Steve 30 minutes,” Bucky replies, looking from you to Steve.
You nod slowly. ”How did the fight go?”
”Good,” Steve replies with a small smile as you look him over. Whatever injuries he had must’ve already healed — thanks serum — because you can’t see as much as a bruise.
”Yeah, the others had it under control, so we pretty much just went there and finished it off,” Bucky says, and grins, placing his metal hand on the backrest of Steve’s chair and leaning on it.
You scoff and smile. ”Good.”
Steve reaches out a hand and catches yours in his bigger one. ”I’m really happy that you’re okay,” he says and he manages to keep his voice steady but the raw emotion is clearly there.
”Me too,” Bucky agrees, smiling softly now as he places his other hand — the flesh one — on your knee.
”Well, you’re not getting rid of me that easily,” you joke quietly and a little awkwardly but your eyes are filled with warmth as you look at Steve and Bucky.
Even though you didn’t hesitate to sacrifice yourself to save them and your other friends — and you would make the same choice again — you’re really happy to be alive and remain by their side for a little longer. Because the thought of leaving them behind, breaks your heart.
”Just… next time, lets go over the new functions of your suit before we go into battle, okay?” Bucky says, and he tries to sound casual, but you can hear the flicker of desperation in his tone, see it in his eyes.
”Yeah,” you laugh, shaking your head to yourself as you do. ”That sounds good.”
Steve just smiles, eyes almost a little glossy again, before reaching out and placing a hand on your head, running it over your hair. Meanwhile, you settle back into the soft pillows and Bucky help you pull up the covers that’s gotten tangled into your legs.
”Go back to sleep,” Steve murmurs softly, just like his ma would back when he was a kid and had a fever.
You continue to keep your eyes on him, even as you lie down. ”Can we go home… when I wake up?”
”Yeah,” Steve nods. ”Then we’ll go home. Promise.”
”Good,” you state contently, before closing your eyes, letting yourself drift back into sleep.
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personal-savvy · 4 years
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Journal entry #1 20200407
Because they have closed all the bookstores, I am moving my journal online. Writing without a pencil is such a demanding tasks, but it’s a new experience that I am excited to start. 
Over a month in Karlsruhe (Germany) Corona crisis is still happening. I’m pretty damn poor after paying rents and having my money blocked to dead ends. I worked and studied for 12 hours straight without proper meal break today (I shouldn’t have). I don’t know if it’s been a rewarding day but I hope I’m getting somewhere. 
It’s been a big shift of focus from all the creativity work to technical computer work the last few days. I have been brushing on old mathematics function to dive into data analysis, THOUGH i am pretty uncertain whether I am cut out to do this. I have done some testing to see how ‘analytical’ I am. I score pretty low, which just raises my insecurity by the thousands. What if I can’t do what I want to do? 
But also... Do I really want to do it? 
I still remember when I had my interview with JPMorgan in Sing. Full on mind math and probability and everything. I now have a better idea of the trader role, also a higher meh for the job, however I still have an urge to try harder for said role (yes I guess I love the challenges). Meh is prolly just because I am lazy and lost in knowing what to learn. I’m on the track that I hope is the right track. That’s all. 
I’m half through MO’s ‘Becoming’ now, and I’m scared when she talks about changing track, I will have the urge to do the same. Now I know what scares you makes you stronger or whatever, but I don’t actually like the idea of working for NGO, especially when I have experienced it once and my I wished I could have done so many things different. But yes, it was even more distasteful than debugging codes for days, or learning how to do Maths (I actually think Maths is fun). 
I learned a thing today that is not related to the whole day of data analysis and maths quizzes. That is the 3 principles of being a leader/addict - Be Authentic, Surrender the outcome, and Do the uncomfortable work.
So I would end my day, gracefully, by answer this question - What are your greatest weaknesses? 
I have trouble processing my feelings, sometimes I cannot feel and most of the time I feel extremely indifferent with the world. However, on certain days I would feel extremely sad, or exuberant, and nothing in between. I always avoid conflicts, and problems. I show that I care but I don’t really care that much (to the people I am not close with). I follow through till I get bored, and would abruptly move on to something else, or someone else, I find more interesting. And I would look back to the thing, or the person, that I use to love with another level of indifference, if not distaste. 
I make some lies that are big enough I don’t even mind correcting anymore and just turn it into truths I tell everyone. I believe the more you say something, the easier it is to say, the less meaning it carries. 
I have troubles focusing on anything if I don’t find enjoyment in doing such things. I find low enjoyment in my life. I have a high level of self-pity. I’m arrogant yet insecure. I am tired of carrying the image that I am smart and good and righteous. In fact, I will just lie that I am sick so people think of me as less good but still good. I try to build myself an image, yet I don’t know if I’m actually good at anything I have done, or just that I am too good at pretending to be good. I feel (a bit) sorry for the people that I have copied. To this point, it makes me sound more like a sociopath than me just being a horrible person. 
It feels good to write all this down. After this, I will focus more on my gratitude. And I will find a thing I am proud of and happy about everyday. I hope after this journal journey, I can find some more purpose in life. 
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mdrambles · 8 years
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What made you decide on medicine?
Why not?
The moment I decided on applying to medical school was when I imagined all the different things I might be interested in doing, and thought, “Why not?” I was in my third year of my undergrad and I had nothing to lose. I want to do something I’ll never get tired of, something I’ll always be excited to wake up for in the morning. How would I know if that thing was medicine until I tried it? So I decided to go for it. (Some further background: I was in a four-year honours bachelor's degree program that allowed you to transfer to graduate from a three-year bachelor's without honours, and I had a fourth year thesis set up that I would've been happy to do. I only applied to one medicine program because I didn't really expect much from this application, and I also wouldn't have minded re-applying after my fourth year. I honestly didn't think I'd get in. I treated it as a trial run because I expected to apply to many more programs many more times after fourth year and now some of my friends joke about how I "applied for medical school for funsies"...) My feelings and thoughts toward medical school were never engraved in the fiber of my being. My journey in life thus far hasn’t followed a road map called “Destination: Medicine”. The cracks in my brain were never filled with dreams of stethoscopes and white coats, and the space between the lines of my resume was defined by things I did, places I saw, people I loved, moments I lived—not requirements I aimed to fulfill to get into medical school or look impressive to application committees. I don’t have any other doctors in my family, so a medical measuring stick was never held over my head. My parents were sort of “meh” about what I did with my life, so long as I worked hard and eventually did something I found worthwhile, something that brought me happiness. They left me to my own devices in high school to do whatever it was I wanted to do, and let me put in my own university applications (which in retrospect probably wasn’t a great idea since I ended up spending a bunch of unnecessary money, but I only care about that now because of the amount of debt I’m in... ugh). I remember calling my parents and telling them the news as soon as I received my acceptance. I called at the end of the work day, on my way home from the lab. My mom picked up the phone and I was so excited (but also very nervous) to begin a new journey. “I got in!” I said, and I felt kind of like a carbonated drink that was shaken too much before being opened. There was this pressure building under my diaphragm, weaving its way between my ribs so I felt like I couldn’t breathe. There was a surprised silence on the other end, then: “Oh, that’s great, honey! ...What did you get into, exactly?”
I deflated a little but clarified, “Medical school.”
“Oh, good for you!” That’s when I realized that my parents really just wanted me to do what would make me happy, and they didn’t have any expectations for me to live up to. They hoped for things, of course, but they never wanted to calibrate my definitions of failure and success—they wanted me to do that for myself. Hence, my approach has been, “I’m gonna do my best and see where it takes me”, and I’m so lucky I did because once I got here I loved everything about medicine. I didn’t have a good idea of what becoming a doctor really entailed since I’d never known where the rabbit hole took you from where I was before I opened that email that day to where I see myself in a few years. Regardless, I’m really glad I went with, “Why not?”. It is important to remember that every journey has its highs and lows. I had doubts before I applied for medical school, before I started medical school, while I’ve been in medical school, and I’m sure I’ll have them in residency and beyond. Doubts, mistakes, failures… they build the skeleton that houses our personal triumphs. They cradle our small victories in solid strength, offering protection and security. They give us the ability to stand tall in the face of every obstacle, every adversity, every challenge, and keep us moving forward even after we stumble and fall along the way. Over top of this is our scripture of skin that tells the stories of things we’ve experienced and things we’ve lived through, things we’ve risen above—the things that other people might see if they look closely enough. But of course, all of this is covered up by the “successes” we drape over ourselves to fit in, stand out, be noticed, belong. Nobody wants their entire life’s story on display for others to judge them—nakedness is frowned upon in our society. But even if you take away the things we choose to show them—the societally-defined “successes” we celebrate and stitch into clothing to make ourselves look the way we want the world to see us—they can only see our skin, not our doubts/mistakes/failures, or our hopes/dreams/aspirations, or the little triumphs that make us who we are. My bones are built from doubts that I would be able to do it, doubts that I’ll make it, doubts that I’ll ever be good enough. They’re reinforced by every personal stumbling block, every time a limitation has brought me down, every challenge I had not yet been able to overcome. I had doubts about what I wanted—after I received my acceptance, I felt like I would be so set and ready to start medical school one second then the next I was wondering if I really wanted to go, if I was doing it for the right reasons, if I was doing it for me or if I thought it was what my family wanted or expected of me. As I mentioned before, that last question was definitely put into perspective with my parents’ response to my “big news”. Then I realized it was all on me: what I wanted to do with my life and how I wanted to get there. Did I want to do medicine? Yeah, probably. Did I really, really want to do medicine? Well, I guess I wasn’t gonna find out if I didn’t do it! Some doubts really persisted. Would I be good enough? Would I be able to keep up? Would I make it through? What if they made a mistake and it wasn’t actually me they wanted? What if I turned out to be the worst medical student ever? What if I actually hurt patients because of my incompetence? What if I never pulled myself together enough to actually be a doctor? What if I hated it in the end and couldn’t figure out what to do with my life? Agh!! Some other doubts were galvanized along the way. Am I cut out for this? Is this really for me? But sitting here now, writing this, I think I’ve made the right decision. I love what I’m doing—maybe not every part of it, but you also don’t love every part of your favourite TV shows and you still end up binge watching them on Netflix and refuse to miss a single episode (unless that’s just me?). There are days when it’s a struggle to get out of bed, but more often from lack of sleep than from lack of motivation to do what I’m doing. There are patients I wish I didn’t have to see, times when I’m frustrated and upset, encounters I think about and cringe [a lot] every time. I’m not sure if there was any one thing that made me decide on medicine beyond the thought of “Why not?”, but I could spend forever writing about all the experiences I’ve had, people I’ve met, things I’ve learned that have made me decide on it again and again every day.
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Foreigner 
Summary: How do you tell someone how much you like them? How can you tell that they like you back? And what if they don't like you because of something you can't control? You don't dare to ask these things with Felix, too scared to hear the answer. Little do you know the rest of Stray Kids are here to save the day.
Requested: yes 
Pairing: Felix x Reader
Genre: angst, fluff 
Word Count: 3.3k 
A/N: Fun fact, this was going to be bulletpoint, and less angsty, but my mood went South when I started this so I was like “meh I’ll just change it and let off steam”. But worry not, there is still fluff at the end! :)
I haven’t written a Felix imagine in a while, it was fun writing about this cute bean again...
Also, I am hyped asf for I am YOU omg! The songs sound so amazing and THE CHOREOGRAPHY FOR I AM YOU! MY GOD! I’m gonna have so much fun learning it :D
One final thing, this’ll be my last post for the next week-and-a-half or two weeks? I’m going away tomorrow to see family and it’s gonna be a hectic trip so I won’t have time to post :/ But I’ll be up and running again when Toussaint comes to an end :)
Now, without further interruption, ENJOY!!
MASTERLIST
“GET BACK HERE FELIX OR I SWEAR BY MY LOVE OF KPOP I’LL SKIN YOU”, you shrieked loudly as you chased after the boy, who had taken your food. “YOU DO NOT TAKE MY LUNCH AND EXPECT TO LIVE A HAPPY LIFE!”
Felix cackled loudly as he leapt over a couch of the backstage room, only just avoiding your swinging arm. “Come on, y/n! You can’t even let your good friend have a bite of your meal? You’re way more cruel than I thought”.
Your heart made a squeezing feeling in your chest at the word ‘friend’, but you didn’t show it on your face, which was still twisted in an angry scowl, but now held a slight smile. “Give me back my foOD, AUSSIE BOY!”
Suddenly, Woojin appeared out of nowhere, grabbing you by your waist and hoisting you over his shoulder as you screamed in surprise. “Now now, that’s no way to speak to each other, kids”. Felix snorted at the mock motherly tone the eldest was making.
You groaned. “I’m not the one who took Felix’s food. You should be carrying him around”. You didn’t bother keeping the indignant tone out of your voice. You were good friends with the group Stray Kids, thanks to your close friendship with Felix. You winced inwardly again, knowing you’d most likely only ever be Felix’s friend.
Changbin walked in and leaned against the door frame, sniggering. “You can’t blame us, y/n”. He pouted. “We get starved, we need some form of nourishment to stay alive”.
You rolled your eyes. “Whatever. Can I please have my food back?” You spoke in a strained but polite tone, directed at your Australian friend. He grinned at you and gave you the little packet of food, which you immediately started munching on, despite still hanging over Woojin’s broad shoulder. Everyone laughed at your actions, and you felt warmth flood through you. These boys were like a second family to you. You could always tell them anything you wanted, without being afraid of judgement. You were forever grateful for their kindness towards you.
But of course, one boys out of the nine had become more than a best friend to you. Felix, with his dumb jokes, cute accent when he struggled with his Korean, and determination to always work hard, had captured your heart and made you fall hard for him without even realizing it. You couldn’t even feel resentment for the fact that he was totally oblivious about your feelings for him. You were head over heels for the boy, but there was a problem that you didn’t see an answer to.
Unlike Felix, unlike every one of the boys in the room at present, you were not Korean. One could argue that Chris and Felix weren’t Korean themselves, but the boys had Korean ancestors and names, while you were just...you. No korean blood whatsoever.
As Woojin put you down, you felt your spirits drop as well. You excused yourself from the room, telling the boys that you should let them prepare for when they went on stage to perform. Felix waved and called as you left: “I’ll look for you in the crowd! Try to stay to the right of the stage so I can find you easier!” You smiled and nodded, regretting every time you’d chickened out of confessing to the adorable boy.
+++++++++
As you waited for the performance to start, the room started crowding up little by little. Soon the entire front of the stage was packed with fans, all cheering for Stray Kids. You swelled with pride for your friends, seeing the impact they had. After a few minutes, the room lights dimmed and music began to play.
You smiled through the whole performance, your eyes glued onto Felix as he danced or rapped his part. At some point, he came to your side of the stage, obviously trying to keep his word and find you in the ocean of people.
As he got closer, his eyes scanning the crowd, a girl next to you screamed loudly. “I LOVE YOU FELIX! CAN I BE YOUR GIRLFRIEND?!”
You scowled, you hands over your ears, at the girl. She shouldn’t say that to him. You found it rude and unnecessary. However Felix, not wanting to disappoint the fan, waved and smiled back politely, leading to the girl screaming again, making you cringe even more away from her.
Then, Felix’s eyes landed on yours and his smile widened into a genuine one. he waved his hand a little more vigorously, before running back to center-stage to finish the song. The rest of the performance went by smoothly.
+++++++++
You stood outside of the Stray Kids changing room, waiting patiently for the boys to finish changing back into more comfortable clothes to go back home.
Jisung was the first to walk out, and he smiled happily at you. “Did you enjoy yourself?”
You beamed back at him. “I always do!”
His smiled suddenly became cheeky. “I know. As long as Felix is on stage, you’ll always like our performance. In fact, the rest of us could completely disappear from the stage and you probably wouldn’t even notice!”
Your face became extremely hot as you eyes widened to the size of tennis balls. “What’s that supposed to mean?!” You couldn’t stop the panic from escaping in your voice. “I love watching every one of you. You wouldn’t be Stray Kids if you weren’t nine”.
Jisung laughed. “You’re not wrong there”. He became more serious again. “You don’t think all of us have noticed by now how you look at him? You give him a look like he could never do any wrong in the world, even if he does“. You knew he was talking about Felix stealing your food earlier. He continued. “If you don’t say anything soon, the rest of us will, because we’re pretty sick of how oblivious you’re both being”.
Your heart leapt uncomfortably. “You wouldn’t”. Now the fear in your voice was quite plain. “You can’t. He doesn’t like me back anyway”,
Jisung tipped his head to the side. “What makes you think that?”
Before you could even take a shaky breath to answer, the door opened and eight other boys filed out, Chan in the lead and others babbling loudly behind him. You quickly realized that they were all complaining about how hungry they were.
“But Chan HyuuunnnnggGGGGGG”, whined Seungmin. “The store is on the way home, we wouldn’t even have to take a detour”.
Chan sniffed, obviously not impressed with the members’ behavior. “Absolutely not. We can all wait until we get back to the dorms. Then we’ll make something, okay?”
“But that’ll take ages”, chipped in Minho as the others groaned loudly. “Can’t we at least buy some snacks?”
Chan’s face turned a peculiar shade of purple, as if he was holding in a yell. With sympathy washing over you, you stepped forward. “Umm... I actually have some snacks that could tie you all over until we make dinner”. The boys gave you a shocked look. “I-- I bought them earlier, thinking you’d all be starving at the end of the day. I could even help make dinner tonight, if it speeds everything up”.
You held out the snacks and the boys all took them, thanking you over and over, then stuffing their faces with the delicious treats. Chan took one as well, looking as if he could kiss you. “Thank you so much y/n”, he said with fatigue obvious in his voice. “You’ve saved us from biting each other’s heads off”. You nodded with a smile, glad you could help. When everyone had finished their snacks, you all left the building to clamber into the minibus and head back to the dorms.
+++++++++
After you all piled into the crammed dorm, you immediately offered to make a delicious hot dinner while everyone got ready for the night. With grateful sighs, they all trailed off to change once again into pajamas while you put a large frying pan over the gas with a clang.
You spent a few minutes alone in the small kitchen, mixing a few ingredients, trying your best to not spill or burn anything. Soon you heard comfortable voices coming from the living room, telling you that the boys had all settled down and were talking happily, sounding tired but content.
All of a sudden, you heard Chan voice ring over everyone else’s. “Felix, why don’t you go help y/n in the kitchen. I feel guilty about making them cook by them self, even if they offered to”.
Next came Felix’s indignant voice. “Then why don’t you go help? I don’t wanna get up!”
His question was followed by a few giggles and teasing. Jisung asked something that you couldn’t make out, and the boys burst into a fit of laughter as Felix shushed them in a panic. “Don’t let them hear you!”, he squeaked. “They’ll hate me if they find out”.
You smile disappeared and you started to become uneasy. What had Jisung said? What would make you hate Felix? You swallowed, your throat dry, feeling dread spread through you. Then you heard footsteps approaching and you quickly turned back to the stir fry, which had started to smoke slightly.
As you tried to mix everything around so as not to ruin it, Felix appeared next you, startling you. You hadn’t expected him to actually come and help after what he’d said.
“Careful”, he told you, pushing your elbow closer to you. “You don’t want to burn yourself”.
Your cheeks heated up again as you stared back at him. “Umm, thanks”. You started to pay attention to the frying pan and cursed loudly, making Felix snort. “It’s burning!! Shit, don’t be ruined please!” You tossed the contents of the pan around, praying that the food was still edible.
When you’d managed to make everything look normal again, Felix cut in: “Have you made the ramen noodles?” You cursed again, turning to start making them, but he stopped you. “Hold on, chef. You’re creating enough chaos as it is. I’ll take care of it”. You wanted to retort with a cheeky remark, but you quickly remembered what you’d heard from the living room, and stayed quiet.
As you finished up the stir fry, you focused a bit more on Felix. He was unusually quiet right now. You reminded yourself that he must be incredibly tired after the long day, but you couldn’t stop the voice in the back of your head whispering that he was usually energetic unless he was just about ready to collapse from exhaustion.
When the noodles were ready, you quietly finished preparing the dish and you both took the bowls out to the eight other hungry boys. The rest of the evening was spent eating in a happy silence, and when everyone started yawning, you announced that you were heading home to let them sleep. You exited the dorm to the chorus of goodbyes from the boys. You tried listening out for Felix’s voice, but with a sinking heart, you couldn’t pick it up. So you closed the door with a heavy feeling weighing you down, and you headed home.
+++++++++
A few weeks passed, and the memory of the conversation in the living room faded from your mind. You hung out with Stray Kids when you could, and started feeling more like your normal comical self again. However one day, that memory resurfaced with a new unpleasant one.
You were about to knock on the practice room door, to give Felix and Chan, who had been practicing together for the past couple of hours, when you heard them talking in slightly hushed voices. You knew by the tone in their voices that they were talking about something serious. Without thinking, you pressed your ear to the door.
“You gotta tell them, Jix”, came Chan’s stern voice. “You gotta end this. You’re playing with their heart”.
You felt like your stomach had dropped to your feet. Despite the growing dread inside of you, you kept listening.
“I can’t”, Felix retorted, his voice laced with guilt. “I can’t tell y/n”. You flinched in shock after hearing him say your name. “It’s better if I just leave everything as it is.....” You covered your mouth to muffle a small worried sound, tears pooling slightly in your eyes.
Was he just faking your friendship for some personal gain? You kept trying to think rationally, to reassure yourself that Felix wasn’t like that. He was a kind, sensitive kid who loved joking around with everyone and would start crying if any one of his friends started crying. You knew the Felix who would quote memes, tire himself out just to help as many other people as he could, or would smile like a child when he was with his loved ones. You thought you the Felix who’d try to steal your food, who would text you random thoughts at 2 in the morning, who would smother you in a huge hug whenever he saw you. Was that just acting? What was behind the scenes? You’re mind snapped back to the practice room, where you heard Chan snap impatiently.
“This is serious, Felix! You’re being cruel to them. You may as well lie to their face when you talk to them”. Felix must have replied, but you never heard what he’d had to say. You were already dashing away from the practice room, the hallway blurring around you as you made your way to the elevator.
“Hey, y/n. What’s the hurry?”, called Jisung, who had been walking in the opposite direction. “Wait... are you okay?”
“I don’t want to talk about it, Sungie”, you tried to say evenly, but your voice wobbled.
Before you could get much further, Jisung grabbed you and spun you around gently. “You’re crying a river right now. Come on”. He gently pushed you into an empty conference room, closing the door behind him with a snap. “What happened? If there’s any way I can help, tell me”.
You started crying harder now, alone with your friend. What if he was faking his friendliness with you as well? You finally said shakily: “Are-- are you my friend, Jisung?”
The boy looked lost, confused, and hurt. “Of course I’m your friend, y/n. What’s this all about?”
You didn’t answer. “And is-- is Felix my friend?” Your voice broke. You sounded pitiful to yourself. How you break down like this?
Jisung was staring at you with wide eyes. “Why are you asking me this?”
You let out another loud sob. “You’ll think it’s stupid...”
The boy in front of you held your arms firmly. “Y/n. You can tell me. Please?”
You hesitated one more second before blurting: “B--because I’m not Korean!” You suddenly felt how much the thought had been weighing down your mind all this time, and a new stream of tears began. “I heard Chan telling Felix that he had to stop lying to me, that he was being cruel and playing with my heart”. Now you couldn’t stop sobbing between words as you continued. “I-- I also heard him complaining ab--bout helping me cook b--back in the dorms a--a few weeks ago. You said s--something that he didn’t want me to h--hear. Now I think that all this t--time he’s b--been faking being my f--friend”. You stared at ground in shame, waiting for Jisung to respond and wiping away, in vain, a few tears marking your cheeks.
“Y/n...” Jisung sounded at a loss. “I... can’t believe him... that dumb bastard!” You wrenched yourself from his grip, not wanting to hear anymore.
“I don’t want to hear about him, I want to forget him”, you said, your body shaking violently. You backed away towards the door. “I need to go home. I’ll see you tomorrow, maybe”. And with that, you flung the door open and fled into the hallway without looking back.
You sprinted through the streets, not bothering to hide the tear marks on your cheeks, wishing you could run further than to your home, further than to the other side of the planet. You just wanted to disappear...
+++++++++
You sat curled up on the couch, listening to the TV blaring, but feeling like it was a simple background noise as you stared into space, still contemplating what had happened only an hour ago.
You’d made a fool of yourself in front of Jisung, and you felt a grim certainty that he was going to tell Felix about it. You dreaded going back tomorrow, but you had to act as if nothing had happened, so as not to alert the other boys of anything. You couldn’t let this affect your friendship with them.
You drifted into an uncomfortable sleep, shifting between vague nightmares. You scowled as the TV seemed to grow louder. I knew I shouldn't have put it on the action-movies channel, you thought numbly. You opened an eye slightly, and as you returned to a hazy consciousness, you realized with a start that it wasn’t the TV making the loud noises.
Someone was banging loudly on your door.
With a groan, you heaved yourself off the couch and trudged over to your front door, trying to straighten your hair and rubbing any tear marks off your face. As you got closer, you recognized the voice in the hall outside.
“Y/n please open up!” It was Felix. You started to turn away when he spoke again, his voice muffled by the heavy door. “Jisung told me everything. I’ve been an idiot but please, please... just let me explain everything”. You heard the desperation in his voice, making up your mind. You unlocked the door and swung it open, your heart in your throat.
You must have looked horrible, because when Felix laid his eyes on you, he blanched significantly. “I did this to you”, he whispered. And with a shock, you saw his eyes becoming misty with tears. “I didn’t know that I was hurting you so much, I was being stupid and I was too scared to tell you everything, I--” He sniffled. “I should’ve confessed to you earlier”. He looked at the ground and wiped his eyes.
You couldn’t help but feel your heart tear at the sight of Felix upset. You couldn’t help how you felt. You just wanted him to smile. “How can you like me”, you asked, also tearing up again.
He looked back up at you, eyes wide. Before you could continue, he shook his head. “Jisung also told me that you thought I couldn’t like you because you aren’t Korean. Y/n”. He took a step closer, and you stayed where you were, unable to move away. “Where you were born, where you grew up, your nationality, what language you speak, none of those matter to me. You’re you. And that’s perfection to me”.
You let out a weak bark of laughter. This was real. Felix had really said that to you. You couldn’t stop a smile forming on your face. “I’m so stupid”, you said.
“No, I’m the dumb one”, he replied, also laughing slightly. “I should’ve said something instead of scaring you”. He hesitated a moment, then leapt forward and enveloped you in a bone-crushing hug. “In this case, will you go out with me?”
You hugged him back tightly, smiling against his shoulder. “As if you have to ask”. You both stayed like that a while, happy. Then you pulled apart, and you suddenly realized that Felix had a bright red mark on his left cheek. “What on Earth is this?”, you asked incredulously, reaching out, concern in your eyes.
Felix suddenly blushed, so that his hole face was the same colour as the mark. “Umm.... Changbin slapped me when Jisung told me --in front of everyone else-- what you’d said. He said that if stupidity was painful, this is how it would feel”.
You couldn’t help it. You burst out laughing, and soon Felix did too. Once you’d both stopped, leaning against the door frame, he tilted his head to you. “Do you think you could kiss it better? It still hurts”. He pouted slightly, and you rolled your eyes. “Pleeeaaasssseee?”
“Okay, fine”, you giggled, shaking your head. He turned his head to the side and you leaned forward. Just before your lips made contact with his cheek, he turned his head back to face you, and kissed you.
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wOW it’s really late rn, but i had to finish this heh
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purplesurveys · 5 years
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461
Sneaking in my first survey during my internship :o
what is your favorite kind of ice cream? I dunno about favorite kind, but my favorite flavor is cookies and cream. The bigger cookie chunks the better.
if people could read your mind, what would they usually find? The next time I’ll be eating and whatever I’m anxious about at that moment are usually what take up my head.
who do you talk to on the phone most often? I only ever go on calls with Gabie. I get nervous with everyone else, including Angela. Which is why it’s TORTURE for me to keep getting asked to make calls throughout my internship -.-
what's a song that makes you feel happy? Still Into You by Paramore.
what celebrity would you like to meet? Beyonce. I feel like I’m too uncool to meet Kristen Stewart.
what's the best concert you've ever been to? My second Paramore gig, definitely. I was in the front row and I took very few videos and simply enjoyed my time there–if I did shoot a video, they were very short clips no longer than 20 seconds. 
Not filming a full video to remember the event was worth it, because what I have now instead is a full experience of the show itself. That’s what I didn’t know when I saw them for the first time, because all I did was film every damn song and not actually immerse myself in the experience.
what is your favorite clothing store? H&M.
how did you meet your best friend? I met them both in school; Angela in the 1st grade and Gabie in the 7th.
do you need money to be happy? Yep. Whoever said money can’t buy happiness is a liar.
what is something you do well? Secretarial stuff. Make trackers, write down minutes, keep track of inventories, all that supposedly boring stuff is my bitch.
what's a good idea you've had recently? I’m not sure, I’m not very confident with myself to begin with.
what is your favorite thing to eat for breakfast? Eggs benedict if I had it my way. But since I can’t afford that everyday, bacon and eggs (runny yolk) with white bread will do.
how far in advance do you prefer to plan? Not very far ahead. My interests and priorities are always changing and when I start getting unhappy with something, I do a complete overhaul of plans. Definitely not the healthiest mechanism but ey, I’ve survived 21 years so I must be doing something right along the way anyway.
do you like to wear high heels? LOVE THEM. I just don’t have enough high heels to wear all the time.
how many slices of pizza do you usually eat? 3 or 4 before I start feeling sick. The edgy 13 year old Robyn who used to brag in these surveys that she can eat a whole box of pizza was lying and was just trying so hard to sound cool.
can you remember life without technology? what was it like? Nah. I was born while technology was booming, so my childhood was during that weird stage where I still knew how to play outside and Internet wasn’t a thing (at least not in the Philippines), but at the same time I would play on my parents’ phones and be glued to the TV too. I had a grasp of both worlds, which I think is a good thing.
what gift would you like to receive? Free dinner at Yabu :(
what's the last thing you paid for? I had a beef pastrami sandwich for lunch earlier.
what's the last movie you watched? It’s a M. Night Shyamalan film called Split.
do you remember your dreams? I’ll only remember the extremely weird ones but in general, no.
do you play any instruments? Nope. I’d say the recorder but it’s such a lame answer hahahahaaaa
do you always smile for pictures? Yeah, pretty much.
what are you most excited about right now? I’m just really excited about having time to take a survey during the day :(((((
if you had $5 in your pocket what would you spend it on? A cup of coffee from Starbucks. Or a bucket of cookies from my favorite cookie place.
how often do you buy things via the internet? Rarely. My dad does it all the time though. He owns so much shit that he bought online.
would you like to live in a different country? if so which one? Yes, I would like to KINDLY GET OUT of this insane country that I find so hard to love. Idk, somewhere in Canada or Australia is what I always say.
what animal would you see first if you went to the zoo? Meh, I’m not really big on zoos.
if you could switch places with someone for a day, who would it be? Someone who’s on vacation right now and not on internship just so I could get a day off.
do you prefer the aisle, middle, or window seat on a plane? Window. I get so cranky and quickly sleepy if I’m anywhere else.
what's your favorite song from a movie? I don’t really pay attention.
where would you like to volunteer? NGOs for animals. I’ve always considered volunteering at PAWS but just never got around to it.
would you rather go out for dinner or cook at home? Go out, as long as I have the money for it.
who sent the last text message you received? Gabie.
what's your favorite flower? Anything but anthuriums. I’m not particular about flowers.
what's the last song you listened to? I don’t remember. I had the radio on in the car earlier but was too stressed to actually listen because I was running late for my 5:45 AM calltime today.
do you like being alone? Only up to a certain extent. I don’t like it if it gets too much.
what was the last thing you ate? A beef pastrami sandwich from the delicatessen at my office’s building’s lobby.
how do you find new music? Spotify, mainly. Sometimes I’ll hear a new song on the radio that I’ll like though.
what is your dream travel destination? Morocco, India, or Thailand.
if you could play any instrument what would it be? The piano.
what's your favorite city? That I’ve visited? Maybe Sagada or Shanghai.
what's the last youtube video you watched? It was something for work that I had to watch.
where are you going on your next trip? I’m not sure yet, my dad hasn’t announced anything.
what are you currently addicted to? Kind of a heavy word to use but uhhh I’m into ASMR mukbangs, if they count.
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