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#HOW fucking insanely BAD men are abt talking abt interesting things
mourninglamby · 2 days
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this is so cringe to come in here and say this but I lay my sword down strip my armor off and admit to you that in 2021-2022 I was a c!dream apologist Im so sorry i learned media literacy u were right all along ( I never actively fought with or spoke bad abt u I think I actually still followed u for ur art I just like, quietly disagreed lmfao ) anyway I mean. It's probably mainly that I was 14-15 ( insane horrible thing to be ) and saw a dramatic emo guy that had a 'fall from grace' comparing his early dsmp days to his prison ones and it fueled more interest and therefore sympathy from me that in his kind of freaky evilness he was still like "waa but I miss my friends .. and ... cat 🥺🥺" anyway. That's my attempt at analyzing why I felt so passionately abt him being a sad boy, also it just felt cool to be contrarian, I don't know but it was. Stupid. Consider this vindication on ur part
I’m 100% sure it definitely was because u were young and naive lol. But I’m glad u don’t think that anymore … but to vent for a minute like.. idk I don’t understand how you could ever find something to woobify that wasn’t either manipulated by the character and/or obsession with the Real Guy who is also a fucking serial manipulator. who would have thought.
It’s really frustrating to talk to or even see c!dream apologists because the constant denial that he never cared about anything but victimizing ctommy because he’s a sick pathetic fucking freak is just so upsetting lmfaooo. It’s also creepy and makes me feel like Hope Is Lost and men who perpetuate abuse will always have power over the narrative, both in fiction and irl. scary fuckin boots.
Also “consider this vindication on ur part” girl …. Sorry but that’s really annoying lmfao. I don’t know why you former apologists feel the need to apologize NOW … idk the more I think abt this the angrier I am and I’d rather dream apologists just. Not say this stuff to me. Regardless of how much you’ve changed lol. Harsh but … I need to stand up for myself a bit here
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vigilskeep · 27 days
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did you watch all the personal quests and would you rank them for our entertainment?
1. blackwall. it’s a great plot, i love that the war table options for it are two thirds unhinged, and the way blackwall talks back to the inquisitor about it all is really refreshing. i like that they let blackwall say fuck and that the romance version is deeply insane. no notes. this man belongs in a better game
2. cole’s seemed kinda fun! i love a spirit companion. i would’ve killed that guy though
3. sera’s i have actually played. i like when she kills that guy. like a lot of these i don’t think it really addresses anything major about the character it’s just like hey remember how this character is this character. and then gives you the opportunity to throw her out (again)
4. varric’s was fun it didn’t seem very interesting to play but i quite liked bianca actually. are there any consequences about the entire red lyrium thing being because he told his ex or
5. solas is alright i guess. another one i have actually played. i guess it’s what you can do when you can’t reveal who the character is yet?
6. demands of the qun is fine and krem’s existence upgrades it a few levels. i like krem he’s nice. conceptually i like the idea of a quest silently setting up a betrayal later. but i just don’t care for how the qunari are written ever so it kind of does nothing for me
7. i didn’t rewatch last resort of good men because i watched some dorian videos a while back and i vaguely remember it being fine. i don’t think it really offers a moral dilemma? oh i just remembered he can be convinced to talk it out more with his father i think. why
8. vivienne’s is. well. it’s very short and relies on it being a surprise that she’s a human being with feelings. i also don’t get the weirdly judgemental misdirect abt it being a youth serum and why they wasted other character moments on it like in here lies the abyss. it was a bit funny when her guy just immediately died
9. cassandra. oh nooo the seekers are bad people. who could have predicted this. am i supposed to be gasping
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shcherbatskya · 1 year
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I AM ASKING ABOUT YOUR THOUGHTS ABOUT SHAKESPEARES JULIUS CEASER.
HIIII omg. where do i even start… i’ll try and go character by character/theme by theme. ill also try and start small and build to bigger ideas if that makes sense. ALSO credit to george wilson knight who has been dead for many many years for putting most of these ideas into my head.
FIRSTLY in one of thee first few scenes (act 1 scene 2 iirc) where brutus and cassius are discussing their feelings about caesar (and also. perhaps their feelings for one another. “nor construe any further my neglect that poor brutus with himself at war forgets the shows of love to other men et cetera et cetera...) cassius says “the fault, dear brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves.” (YES the john green novel comes from That.) and what makes that so interesting and so insane crazy is that caesar himself is compared to a star like. its a reoccurring motif! the fault is not in caesar its in them... and it sort of is! sometimes it is! like the fault of yk. ruining the republic is obviously in caesar, but the actual like final fall of it is kind of in their hands and they do fuck it up a little bit!!
um now i want to talk about mimesis which is a huge concept throughout the whole thing but for the purposes of this i just want to talk about cassius + how people say he was jealous of caesar (and his position of power) and how stupid that take is. like the reason is because cassius does fundamentally believe caesar is a tyrant and he does want the republic back, his weird weird thing with caesar as a rival is like a secondary thing. or it becomes one i dont know. but the thing is they want the same thing (for rome to be  under just rule) they just obviously have different ways of thinking about that. then the second you put brutus in the mix, either as cassius’s mimetic rival or as like. some sort of object between cassius and caesar it gets even weirder god bless. i could elaborate on this specific point a lot i think but this is long already... hmu if you do want to here abt it though...
oh now its time to talk about the role of The Lover... throughout the whole play there are like two categories you can be in. you can be A Lover, cassius + antony, who are ruled by emotion and are quick tempered and hold personal ideals over anything, OR you can be a stoic (term here used loosely by the way, more in the modern sense than the philosophical.) which it is harder to find a specific example of and you will see in a minute why, but they hold moral value over emotion, are critical of things like omens and portents, etc. they dont have that emotional volatility like The Lovers do. Caesar falls into both of these, like he has a sort of spirit vs body thing happening. he is the political body and also his own spirit (quite literally when it comes to him appearing as a ghost in the latter half of the play). ANYWAYS so yk who else has duality. brutus. he wants to be a stoic so bad but he literally cant he Loves Too Much. you see this in his quarrel with cassius and in his reaction to portia’s death. like he is feeling soo much but he plays it off as worry about money or just doesnt talk about it at all. he is literally torn between love and logic, head and heart...his position as clinging onto stoic ideals DIRECTLY contrasts cassius and how he is soooo ruled by love. that is his guiding principle its his motivation he wants to be loved so fucking badly. and he wants it from brutus which was perhaps a bit of philosophical oversight on his part, as we know brutus is. repressed in some sense of the word. whatever anyways.
brutus’s position as between a good lover like antony is to caesar, or a good conspirator like cassius, literally puts him in that dualistic position again. you see his general humanity win out when he tells them not to kill antony, and that love ruling guess what. it fucking ruins the whole thing. without brutus the conspiracy had a fighting chance, but he is too emotional to be logical and too logical to be emotional... NOT to pin the blame on him entirely either, like if cassius wasnt so desperate to be loved that it made him look stupid, he would not have let brutus make that final decision. he KNOWS brutus has significantly less military experience but he still lets him be in charge of stuff because he loves him soo much ohh my god. they are still fighting by like act 4 scene 2 which is thee lovers spat. like that also gives light to the fact that cassius is so stupid in love with brutus (brutus hath rived my heart, you love me not, I cannot drink too much of Brutus' love, et cetera) and also brutus’s weird in between existance... its soooo much.....
i dont know what even to say about the end of it by the way i try desperately not to think about it because it makes me so sad, but they are so in love with each other even in their dyings and it is. eek. ANYWAYS thats my bit. i will expand on this if you send me a dm/another ask by the way. i could talk about it for hours genuinely.
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sapphic-woes · 1 year
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Hi! Just wanted to say I really enjoyed part 2 of the tlk au and I hope you continue it because you're such a wonderful writer! Also I just got through season 3 and I can't believe they did that to Thyra she was such a sweetheart 😭
NO BECUASE LITERALLY WHY. IT SERVED NOTHING RLLY OTHER THAN SEEING BEOCCA THROW HANDS????
Ok. Deep breath. I am calm :) this was kinda mentioned in another ask I got today, but like, tlk is notoriously so bad with writing women it's insane. Like... Like it's not even the women themselves MOST of the time that are badly written (tho some lack substance tbh), it's just what happens around them or who interacts with em or if they. Yk. LIVE. ...okok imma go down the list I'm srry
Iseult: her death REALLY made no sense. Her character was interesting and even tho they had that classic "he's MY grubby good for nothing man" trope going on with Midrith (I dunno if that's her name, can't remember) her whole thing with seeing and saving Alfred's kid was like. Actually really good. And then to have her ask Uthred to essentially fuck the prophetic powers out of her only so that she can't see her death coming.....boo. boo she was so cool fuck uuuuu. But yk she was set up to fail from the start tbh
Hilde: I won't get into her but I'm thinking if you're at season 3 you must be starting to be like 👁️👄👁️. That feeling will continue they fail her high-key
Gisela: I HAVE NEVER SEEN. A DEATH MORE WORTHLESS. literally died OFF SCREEN TOO if I remember and like why. She was a good character that didn't REALLY drive the plot but she literally was just That Girl yk. Every line was iconic and awesome (also we get Uthreds iconic "now I will never be taken away from you" line which was!!!!!!!!) Also how did she move the plot along more with her death than when she was alive I mean. C'mon.
I won't talk abt brida :)
Stiorra: actually just brida-ed. You'll get what mean later.
Eadith: godsent. Perfection. She can do no wrong. Somehow she made it through amazing and iconic
Aelswith: ICONIC AMAZING. YOU HATE HER YOU LOVE HER. IN THE END YOU STILL TALK ABOUT HER. WISH I WAS HER. (SEASON 5 I THINK EP. 7?? THATS ALL I HAVE TO SAY.)
Skade:..... Imagine having an entrance like a god. And then being done so dirty. They way she was reduced to three men fighting over fucking her was like. When Uthred LITERALLY TEASES FUCKING HER THAT WAS IT FOR ME. NOT HIM BEING LIKE "YO DONT PROTEST BEING TRADED AND ILL COME BACK FOR U AND FUCK U :)" BITCH LICK HER FEET U GODDAMN– (fun fact I went thru my very first watch thinking everyone was better than Uthred. I still kinda do...other than Alfred lmao...also I still don't know how skade dies. I always skip thru somehow????)
Uhh I forgot how to spell her name, the lady of Mercia: I feel like she had the most character. Like everything that happened to her was iconic. I don't know why she loved Uthred tho. Like the romance was neat but like that guard dude was. There. Anyways won't say more but she and Erik for life.
I can't think of anyone else but as u can see I am very invested into tlk :)
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kulliare · 11 months
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1, 14, and 22 :)
the character everyone gets wrong
i've been here trying to think of a character for awhile now but i can't rly think of like a situation where i'm a fuckin pariah waving like. my little torch being like u fuckos are fuckin insane bc 80% im like, i dont even know if my interpretation's right.
i'll say i USUALLY have this feeling less with characters who are assholes or at least appear it. like usually for fic with jaime (asoiaf), the ones i really loved were the ones where he was just saying something unforgivable at the start or just outright cruel because that automatically got my brain going Yes. like ritchie is not like jaime exactly here but in my head he's easier to nail because he's more loud & defensive and i find his speaking style easier to think abt bc... idk i talk like that lol
but i haven't really had a character that scratched my brain like carmy for awhile who's a bit more subdued, so it's a bit harder for my brain to be like, "i like that" vs like the sense of "oh my fucking god you guys are stupid" when reading a take i horribly disagree with. i didn't answer the question! i spent too long on this so this is all ur getting sry
14. that one thing you see in fics all the time
i have nooo interest in 'x you' fics and i want to block them so bad. i can see the appeal but please i dont even want to interact with these guys i am a boring woman who vaguely has her life together and these men would ruin it
22) your favorite part of canon that everyone else ignores
i am liable to focusing on the Sadness but i also love the Joys. would love more the bear fic that focuses on the joys. that time when tina went to carmy with the apron was so sweet and i hope there's more moments like that featured in show/fic (i still enjoy the fics where carmy is like. im literally SOOOOO SICK rn and i don't know how to deal/ ask for help with that. but part of me wants to see how carmy reacts when he realizes he feels better and/or happy, and dealing with the fear and anxiety that comes with that rather than pure suffering. starting to realize i like long fic that's self indulgent in this way haha)
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gaycousinlarry · 3 years
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Imagine if the suitors went to the beach for a whole day in the modern world...what crazy crap do you think will happen
Here are a handful of crazy and/or cute headcanons that came to mind! :D
-Mozart swatting away seagulls because HE IS TRYING TO EAT IN PEACE
-Jeanne watching him, MC offering him two water guns with a silent nod (sunglasses on, we’re going full meme)
-Jeanne then proceeds to shoot at them (no gulls were harmed in making of this promotional video) and his aim is impeccable it would be disturbing if the thwarted squawking wasn’t so funny
-Little kids start swarming around Jeanne asking how he’s so amazing and wanting to play team battles, inviting him to join
-Napoleon encourages him, and even Mozart joins in despite not liking getting wet very much (he wants Jeanne to have some positive fun times bc he BIIIIIIIG depressy)
-In the end they both admit to having fun, and one of the kids even teaches Jeanne a special ten step handshake (Jeanne has no idea what that was but the kiddo was smiling so he figured he’d go with it)
-HE AND MOZART STILL SECRETLY USE THE HANDSHAKE FOR FUNSIES BUT TELL NO ONE BECAUSE THEY DON’T LIKE F U N DON’T LOOK AT THEM
-Dazai, alternatively, gathers the fallen gull army and becomes their god with a singular cylinder of Pringles. No I will not elaborate--THE SEA GULLS GOT HER!!!!!!!!
-Spends most of the beach day wetting his feet in the tide pools and talking very earnestly to the gulls about this new thing he learned about called tax evasion while people pass by this fucker in full kimono at the beach and are convinced he’s lost it
-Dazai is very much not sane but we knew this already, offers sea shells to little kids that ask him what he’s doing and tells them to listen to the secrets bird friends can tell them
-If Dazai sounds like an Animal Crossing Villager, that was entirely by accident but remains no less true
-Surprising absolutely no one, Arthur suggests volley ball after watching people play and invites some pretty ladies to join him
-Arthur ends up needing two more people to play, so he invites Vincent and Theo (Vincent is so excited about trying something new that Theo can’t say no despite wanting to make a volleyball-shaped crater in Arthur’s face)
-The funniest part about the volleyball game is that not only is Arthur a shit player (CANON WEAK ARMS FOOL) Theo destroys with his spikes, and Vincent’s reach is insane--the two brothers end up becoming the talk of the beach
-I just laugh imagining Vincent sincerely complimenting people around him and the ladies swooning because he’s just so nice and pretty is he even real
-Men aren’t happy about that^TM but at the sight of Theo’s defensive glower they keep their malicious traps shut--which turn on whichever girls weren’t interested in Vincent jahkslgjh
-**Kaguyasama narrator voice** Today on Arthur Shenanigans: Arthur loses
-Poor Isaac is hiding under the umbrella clutching sunscreen bc HE IS A PASTY BOY HELP HIM
-MC brought a few of the newest Maths/Physics books in her time for him to read, and while he doesn’t enjoy the intensity of the sun--not like vamp weakness, it’s just the strain on his body (too many stimuli too many people too much noise) that makes him tired and ultimately thirsty bc aberrant. But the change of scenery's not so bad.......
-MC laughs when she gets out of the water and the salt dries visibly on her skin, Isaac’s eyes bug out and he asks if it hurts (startles when Leo flicks sea water at him and asks how on earth they got in the water when it’s so cold!!!)
-Leo chats with him and he likes being able to draw theorems and the like in the sand, it’s like one big chalkboard (until a kid tramples across them in the middle of writing, POPPYCOCK!). Isaac ultimately has fun but prefers to stay inside poor bub
-Leonardo, surprising no one, falls asleep in the sand the second he gets there HE IS HOME (Italian beaches, amirite)
-MC decides to, after a point, bury him fully in the sand for shits
-Comte notices and aids in her shenanigans from his beach chair, snickering the whole time
-When the two are satisfied they go for a swim together, trusting Leo to look after Isaac if need be (even if he’s a mummy rn)
-Comte is relieved to hear that she knows how to swim, but also watches carefully and doesn’t let her drift out too far by keeping closer to the shore himself (riptides!!!! can be!!!!!!! dangerous!!!!!!!!!!) if he had his way (he would never impose but he worries ;-;) she’d be wearing floaties SAFETY FIRST
-They splash at each other like maniacs and chat amiably until they start swimming away as fast as possible when Leo wakes up, laughing
-How do we know that Leo woke up?
-Because he sat up ramrod straight and a tower of sand fell. He then proceeded to jump up and sprint to the water despite Isaac’s startled cries about being careful, and swam after them like a shark to get his revenge (it was like something out of an anime s2g)
-Mostly just tugs on MC’s leg, picks her up in the water, and yeets her across in retaliation; really harmless, she’s cackling the whole time
-Dunks Comte’s head in the water while he’s being scolded, and MC has to de-escalate their increasingly dangerous shenanigans before the life guard comes after them LMFAO
-They concede only bc MC looks sad/worried abt being kicked out, and agree to keep things fun FIGHT TO THE DEATH LATER TONIGHT
-Napoleon goes for a nice long walk along the shoreline and climbs the rocks if he finds any til he gets to the top (he does not go to his happy place HE GOES TO HIS HIGH LONESOME PLACE) wishes that Jupiter could be here to enjoy the brine
-Our boy Napoleon is simply just vibin he loves the beach. A little further off the sound of people is p muted, it’s just the crashing waves and crisp smell of salt, the light breeze ruffling his hair 
-Sebas is absolutely watching through binoculars and writing down how majestic Napoleon is while making sure no one gets lost/wrecked as he takes notes
Bonus: since volleyball games can often happen back to back on a sizable beach, the boys^TM were playing and Arthur called out “Theo duck!!!!” and just as Theo was saying “Are you fucking kidding me did you really think I’d--T H W A C K” Theo gets nailed in the back of the head (Arthur later died after being put in a headlock)
Shakespeare didn’t feel like playing volley ball and didn’t have much else to do (can’t swim and has no interest), so he just sat back and tried to throw Theo off his game as much as possible 
Por ejemplo: Theo misses a serve and Shakespeare just “For never was there a story of more woe; O bard Alexa, verily, play us Despacito” “SHUT THE FUCK UP”
Jeanne also gets hit by a stray volley ball, but when Vincent said “Oh no, Jeanne, duck!” he has one of either two reactions: 1. Boulevard of Broken Dreams plays obnoxiously loud as he dodges inhumanly fast 2. he quacks, gets nailed, and doesn’t react because he doesn’t have any brain cells to damage
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mariaiscrafting · 3 years
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ahhhh ty ty ty <3
ok, so I think that what makes Dream act this way (iykyk) is how dreamwastaken became so big so quickly. and by quick I mean fucking lightning speed.
he didn't have enough time to learn enough about cc etiquette, especially in these three aspects: influence, boundaries and fanbase/stans/whatever you call it. I'll try to explain it:
• Influence: Does he know the influence he has? Like, when he hears that he is the myct with the largest fanbase, does he really process that? I remember he talked about not being able to control all of his fanbase and there's bad apples everywhere -- which is true, and that only like 1% of his fanbase breaks his boundaries (that include sending hate for him, harassing, doxing, etc. yk, basic twitter culture lol) but, honey, with your big ass fanbase, 1% is still a lot of people. As a content creator you *have* to be aware of that.
let's take the hbomb situation. First off, as a streamer, it's you that set the mood of the stream. Even if he was only messing around with his pals, even if they did say to do not send hate to hbomb, dt dunking on him created a toxic environment, which caused his fans being toxic towards hbomb and you know what happens next. Hell, when this happened, I was watching Tapl and he was watching them and he was crying laughing over them screaming bc they were just. so loud and so aggressive that it was kinda ??? Sirs, this is literally a Minecraft Stream lmaooo
my point is, that was not the road that dreamwastaken, 21M fans, should've taken. he don't condone his fans actions but he knows his fans are diehard and will always be on his side, he should be more careful before stating negative opinions, especially if its towards another person.
• Boundaries and Fanbase: He posted a list of his boundaries a while ago, idk if you know or seen it (btw please george copy your bestie for the love of god <3) but I'm not talking about those boundaries, I'm talking about the basic boundaries between cc and viewer. boundaries that, in my opinion, should exist between cc and viewer. I get that Dream is an open person, an oversharing type of open person if I may add, but I think he should take a step back regardless. When I heard that he was taking a time from twitter, I genuinely got so glad, not because he couldn't start any drama then, but because it would do so so good for his mental health. I'm not even that fond of him, it's just that for me, any cc taking a break or outright leaving twitter is a win for me. I know how RSD is hard to deal and honestly letting shit out it's better but dream you have dt you have bbh so please don't make things worse online 😭 I know how good can be to feel validation from millions of people but. it's not a good idea, especially in the state that his fanbase is on rn (this topic is kinda sensitive to talk abt for me bc people be outright ableist and hide it as criticism like. say that shit's not helping his reputation and whatever without acting like he's fucking. manipulating his fanbase for being affected by his rsd💀 or, on the other hand, don't say that hes just being adhd🤪 when he's just being an asshole like damn that's a Him thing bro lol)
(omg it's so big I'm so sorry and theres a part two I'm so sorry tumblr user messed-up-gal ToT) - morango 1/2
pt. 2:
Dream is the proof that the people who loves you can be your downfall. istg. Have you noticed that every drama that Dream enters, people usually get more mad abt how his fanbase reacts (85% they'll react in a bad way) than Dream himself? it's not always, but its definitely more likely. I'm not saying Dream is saint, he Is petty and his ego does him dirty and made him choke multiple times before,, But! i dont think hes a bad guy. he's literally just a dude. ok, he's a 21yr old white gamer man that has a trumpie past (maybe?? idk. I think hes cured now ig lol) so he's bound to do some shitty things but he still tries to get better and hopefully he'll mature. 21 is old enough but it's still so young, yk? I kind of lost my mind during the end and my eyes are literally begging to be closed so tl;dr: Its gonna be hard for him to become a better cc bc his fans don't let him be criticized (by infantilizing his adhd symptoms or the mob mentality as soon as someone says anything abt him), the honest criticism get lost between lies from antis that don't know shit, he still has a lot of growing up to do and overall he became famous too fast and he needs to learn things even faster bc as soon as there's not a single one dream hater on sight they'll turn their back and attack him instead lmao I hate twitter i definitely have more to say but I'm tired and my memory is shit. just-- hate dream if you want, love dream if you want, nobody is obligated to have an opinion but I wanted to express mine. have a lovely day! -morango 2/2
Aight, there's a lot to unpack here, so Imma try to only go into the points I have something to add to (here's what I talk about in each paragraph, if you want to jump to a specific point):
Speed of Dream's rise to fame
The "bad apples" in the Dream fanbase
Post-MCC HBomb stream
Not condoning versus actually condemning his fans
Manipulation & RSD
Criticism of Dream, his fanbase, and his brand
The “just a dude” argument, flipped
First, I agree that one of the many factors that has resulted in the current image Dream has set up for himself, the way his fanbase functions, the ways people hate on him, and the way the Dream brand functions, is the speed of his rise to fame. It's unique, and there are probably a hundred social/psychological angles that could be used to examine the exact effects of that speed upon all of these facets of the Dream Name; did rapid fame beget the rapid rise of unrighteous hatred, did those waves of hatred then instigate the rise of a surprisingly overdefensive fanbase, did that rapid fame get to his head and/or result in an inability to appropriately handle all the after-effects of rapid fame, etc.? That point you bring up, about how the speed of his rise to fame requires him to learn even more quickly, is so interesting to me. I think that maybe Dream expected to get pretty famous pretty quickly, hence the preparedness in regards to some mechanics of influencer fame- merchandise, business-building, networking, knowing how to manage his fanbase to best benefit him. But I don't think he expected to get this famous this quickly. This is all speculation of course, as are this entire post and your ask, but I think that he just couldn't anticipate having to learn how to handle enmasse controversy, waves of antis, or every Youtuber speculating/knowing about him; and yeah, that results in him having to learn all of these things very quickly, lest he allow his whole brand and fandom to fall apart.
Second, I disagree with the frequent argument that Dream's fanbase is only marginally toxic. Personally, I think that the circumstances of Dream's fame, his personality and management of his fanbase, and his brand of content have resulted in the very specific kind of stan that Dream stans are. I don't think this is simply a case of "all fandoms have a small percentage of assholes who take it too far;" rather, the nature of the community itself breeds the kind of mentality of "an asshole who takes it too far." I only even know this because I was a Dream fan (kinda a stan, I'm ngl). At one time, I watched every single Dreamwastaken & Dream Team video multiple times; I listened to the Manhunts on repeat, as though they were podcasts; I followed mostly smiletwt and dttwt accounts on mcyttwt; I had upwards of 10 tabs for AO3 DNF fics open on my phone at a time; I watched DNF and Dream Team Being A Family-esque compilations on repeat; I watched every George and Sapnap alt stream I possibly could; I went out of my way to defend Dream against Redditors and Twitter antis regarding the cheating scandal. For the latter half of 2020, and a couple months of 2021, I lived and breathed this part of the fandom; so when I say that Dream stans are a whole other breed than any other kind of mcyttwt stan, I say that because I used to be like that, too. I usually use parasocial very loosely or ironically, but Dream stans are genuinely one of the most parasocial fanbases I have ever seen or been a part of. The level of investment Dream stans have in this man's life, the lengths they will go to to defend him, the amount of psychonalysis and digging they do on his life and character, the amount of emotion he can evoke in them- it's taken to another level, man. This isn't just characteristic of a fraction of his fanbase; this is what the fanbase is like as a whole.
Third, I partially disagree with your take on the HBomb thing, but not in the way one might think? I actually empathize with the way they reacted much more than I thought I would, simply because I suspect I have RSD (also suspect I have ADHD, have for several months now) and I can see myself getting insanely frustrated because of something like that. Like yeah, it was "just a MC stream" or "just an MC game," but that's kinda disregarding the fact that something that might seem like "just a [insert inconsequential thing]" to a rational mind might have a major emotional consequence/take a major emotional toll on someone with RSD, or really anyone who gets easily impatient/angry about video games (Sapnap reminds me of many of my friends, in that way). The issues I, personally, had with the way they handled the HBomb situation is that these are simply explanations and reasons for my empathy; they are not excuses. I have no excuse when I get irrationally angry about something inconsequential in my own life, for a couple of reasons. One, because I am an adult and I need to learn how to handle my reactions and manage my own anger. Two, because as someone with many mental problems, it is my responsibility to learn coping mechanisms to ensure my own emotional stability and livelihood; this includes learning whatever I need to handle RSD- whether that be isolating myself from others when I know I will become violently/passionately angry about something, creating and sustaining a support system that can get me through bouts of extreme emotion, finding healthy emotional outlets for my negative emotions that won't harm myself or others, or a combination thereof. I don't think what they said about HBomb post-MCC was an irreversibly horrible thing, or anything. I think there were errors committed by two men who should be fully capable of foreseeing and preventing those errors, but I don't unconditionally hate Dream or Sapnap for the post-MCC stream or comments. I just wish they had made amends quickly, publicly, and sufficiently, because the greatest consequences from the whole thing weren't even from those two criticizing HBomb themselves; they were from the waves of backlash because of their immense influence on the MCYT fandom, which could've been prevented, if they had acted maturedly and responsibly after the stream.
Fourth, you’re right, that he doesn’t seem to condone his fans’ behavior. I detest the frequent anti argument that one of the reasons Dream should be criticized is because he explicitly uses his fanbase to attack others, or something of the sort. Personally, I think he created his fanbase in a very specific way and interacts with them in such a way so as to benefit him as much as possible, yes, but he never actually tells his fanbase to go and yell at or harrass anyone. Still, there is a significant difference between not condoning something and condemning something. It might seem unfair, and it might be annoying of me to say this, but I truly think that someone with this large a fanbase, especially one as overzealous as Dream’s, needs to be condemned every single time it goes on some kind of rampage/harrassment campaign. Either that, or Dream needs to make a definitive, permanent statement against any kind of harrassment of others on his behalf. I know he’ll occassionally make the odd tweet or serious stream addressing something his fanbase did, but one of the many reasons his fanbase keeps doing the same damn thing is because he’s so lukewarm and spotty about this condemnation. A fanbase like his needs to be given explicit guidance and boundaries for the numerous things they do in his defense- harrassing/doxing antis, harrassing people who criticize him who aren’t antis (respectful criticism, other CCs, other MCYT stans, etc.), harrassing the people he critcizes (i.e., HBomb), speculating about his personal life (his relationship with his gf, his mental health/ADHD, his romantic life, his childhood, etc.), and speculating about his relationships with his friends and colleagues.  My personal ideology is that, if you have significant influence over someone or a group of people, you are at least somewhat responsible for the things those people do or don’t do, if it at all relates back to you. I’m so fucking tired of the argument that CCs aren’t responsible for what their fans do. Obviously they aren’t responsible for every single one of their fans, and obviously they can’t fully control their fans at the end of the day. But I think there are certain things that reach such a level of extremity that does make those CCs responsible. This can be measured by either scale or intensity; that is to say, if a CC’s fanbase does things on an extremely large scale, or one person from/a fraction of the fanbase does something really extreme, then the CC is made all the more responsible. Another CC I’ve always had trouble discussing with other people on this subject is Pewdiepie, in particular, about the extremists in his fanbase. Because the things a small handful of his fans have done in reference to him and/or in his name were so fucking extreme, I thought Pewdiepie had to take at least some responsibilty. Along a similar vein, because the things Dream’s general fanbase does are so widespread and on such a massive scale, Dream has to take at least some responsibility.
Fifth, okay. Hmmm. I want to tackle this point you made about the ableism he faces in some criticism of him carefully and with empathy, but not coddling. One, I do think a lot of the criticism he receives for the ways he handles criticism (post-cheating Tweets, reactions to John Swan, post-MCC HBomb stream, etc.), disregard his RSD and can be oftentimes ableist. I’ve actually encountered people irl who criticize this aspect of Dream’s character, and have had to explain to them their disregard for how ADHD/RSD affect neurodivergent people’s reactions to criticism. But - and this is a big, and very controversial but - I think mentally ill/disordered people can 100% leverage their mental illness/disorders for the sake of manipulation. This is actually something I’ve learned from a psychiatrist, regarding the ways people I know and I handle our anxiety and depression. This manipulation can be unwitting or intentional, but it is entirely possible, and the possibility shouldn’t be entirely dismissed as ableist. Living with a mental illness or disorder that others know about/that you are very public about puts you in an interesting position to receive frequent sympathy, empathy, and/or pity. I’m not saying that empathy for Dream having ADHD/RSD is entirely unjustified; on the contrary, I have frequently expressed how I can relate to his ADHD symptoms and have defended him for expressing those symptoms, both on mcytblr and in real life. I am saying that Dream fans tend to use his ADHD as a kind of shield for a lot of criticism levied against him, including the supposition that he could be manipulating his fanbase to defend him because of his public expressions of RSD. So yes, my theory is that Dream knows how to levy every aspect of his life for his personal gain and for the growth of his brand, and that includes his ADHD. I think he has courage for his openess about his ADHD, I think his openness has contributed to the rise in awareness of mental health and empathy for neurodivergent people within Gen Z, and I think at least some of his expressions of RSD publicly/online weren’t intentionally made public. All that being said, I also think he has to know just how much his fanbase cares about defending him for his ADHD, and I think he has to know that some of the things he does related to his neurodivergence endear him to his audience, in a coddling, baby-ing, mildly ableist sorta way.  Maybe this is all incredibly presumptuous of me. Of course, I can never know the real intentions behind any Dream video, Tweet, or stream. Maybe I’m just projecting, because I can see myself doing just this, if I had the maturity I had circa 2018-2019. Idfk know, man.
Sixth, I actually agree with you here, people probably do get more mad at his fanbase than him. Dream puts out content pretty seldomly, considering the frequency of content output for other Youtubers/streamers in his field/at his brand size. And yet, he has received masses of criticism. Considering that the things Dream himself does/says do not entirely correlate with the amount of criticism he receives, I think it’s a logical assumption that a lot of that criticism actually goes back to the size of his presence online, rather than the man himself. That is to say, because of the massive community he’s amassed, the exponential growth of his fanbase, their presence on every single social media site and in virtually every single Internet space/fandom, and the size of his metaphysical presence in his fields, Dream is much bigger than the man himself, so the criticism he receives will, at least in part, be a direct or indirect result of all these other aspects of the Dream brand.  Something I don’t think many Dream fans/stans, or even most MCYT fans in general, understand, is that Dream isn’t just “one guy” in the eyes of the Internet- at least, not anymore. He hasn’t been for nearly a year. Like Pewdiepie, Mr. Beast, and other CCs who have amassed similar levels of fame and wealth via Internet content creation, Dream is a brand now, and most people will treat him as such. He isn’t just some uwu soft boy playing Minecraft anymore. He is on a whole other level from any other MCYT in his friend circle or colleague interaction bubble. His words will never again live in a vaccum or private bubble, his friend circle will never again be under anything less than intense scrutiny, his past actions will never again be simple mistakes or silly errors, his words will never again be casual tweets or streams for laughs among a couple thousand followers. Dream’s name represents something much bigger than just the one man. As such, all aspects of his brand, including his fanbase, will tie back to him and, ultimately, to any general criticism of him.
I’m not saying I like any of this, and I actually think the evolution of influencers from people to a marketable brand with similar mechanisms, responsibilities, and liabilities as a corporation is some kind of late capitalism nightmare fuel; I’m just stating my own observations and theories as to why so much anti-Dream criticism seems to be directed at his fanbase, rather than him.
Seventh, he’s just a guy, you’re right, but I think a lot of the antis on Tumblr understand this more than you know. As I’ve seen it, the sentiment among much of the “DSMP stans DNI” crowd seems to be that of “Dream/other MCYTs are such ‘bad’ people, so why do their fans stick to these mediocre, racist men, when there are so many better people to watch/better content to consume?” We know this argument is flawed for many of the obvious reasons - the conflation of all MCYTs’ actions regardless of individual identity, the equating of a CC’s fanbase’s morality to that of the CC they enjoy watching, the exxageration of any error MCYT CCs have committed as bigotry/racism, the fundamental misunderstanding and misinformation that led antis to believe this exxageration of the facts, etc. But I want to focus on the general, underlying sentiment of, “why not watch someone better, when your creator is problematic?” Sometimes, I ask this of Dream stans. Yes, being mildly ignorant, getting involved in the scandals Dream has, and being a right-leaning/libertarian centrist in the recent past all seem like harmless things, all things considered. One could say Dream isn’t nearly as bad as many antis who are misinformed seem to believe, and that there are much worse CCs Dream stans could be watching and creating fan content for. But I think what Tumblr antis wonder is, aren’t there also much better MCYTs/CCs people could be watching and stanning? Because he’s just some guy, right? Is his content truly so exceptional or is he really so exceptional a person, that people have to stick by him, despite the things that spike up regarding his current or past actions? I think that’s what made me finally decide to stop watching Dream. I realized he was just Some Guy. The Dream Team was a comforting dynamic to indulge in, DNF was a cute ship to read and speculate about, and Manhunts were fun videos to watch; however, once the Reddit posts came out and I read them in-depth, the cost-benefit analysis tipped over to the “not worth it” side for me. I realized Dream’s content, while fun and comforting, was not entirely unique, and wasn’t worth sticking around for, given what I then knew about his past political leanings. If he is just Some Guy, then there are a hundred more like him out there. There a hundred more ships, a hundred more found family dynamics, a hundred more entertaining and skilled Minecraft players. So while I agree with you on the point of people being allowed to love him regardless because he is just a guy, at the end of the day, I think that, if we are to believe that sentiment or use that argument in such a manner, we should also understand the flip side- that, if he is just some guy, why is it worth sticking around? To that I say, maybe because people just enjoy the simple things they enjoy.
Anyways, I wholly agree with your tl;dr. Thanks for that insanely long ask, this was a fun thing to keep me occupied while I’ve been at work, facilitating Zoom sessions this whole morning.
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crockettmarcel · 3 years
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i've never watched this show but the ladies you keep posting abt are pretty so tell me abt them
I think you should watch it <3 as a treat <3
anyway,, Ava and Sarah,,,, my loves
idk how much you’ve picked up about them from my posts so I’ll just tell you whatever comes to mind <3 (under a read more bc it’s gonna be long oops)
Sarah is literally just. baby. she’s the one with the curly hair, and she was originally introduced as a fourth-year med student doing her ED rotation (which definitely went on Way longer than it should have but uh. that’s med’s shitty writing for you <3)
she’s so insanely smart but she’s not that confident in her abilities, especially around patients, and it’s :( bc ma'am. you’re the best
tbh seeing her confidence develop during season one was so nice because she became more a part of the ED family (which is why it was so hard when she left Med) and she was finally seeing how smart she actually was and how much potential she has!! she’s the best girl <3
also the way she said she didn’t want to work with patients which is why she was going into pathology, and then she ended up becoming a psychiatrist? incredible and I love that growth for her!!
I rlly believe that season 2 was the best for her - her relationship with Dr Charles was good and healthy (I’m genuinely so sad that the writers ruined it for them because it was obvious how much she looked up to him and like. she literally told Noah that he was the dad she’d never had!!! what the fuck why couldn’t the writers let them be happy!!!), and it was before her PTSD and everything that happened with her dad. she was allowed to have a good, happy storyline, and even though she was dating Joey for most of it, her character didn’t revolve around him the way other female characters do (they’re literally all written around men and it’s so frustrating)
everything went downhill for her in season 3 and I’m still mad about it ngl. like. she got PTSD from Dr Charles being shot, and as she was starting to recover, her dad turned up out of the blue and fucked her life up even more >:(
I guess the med writers can’t have any women be happy for too long :/
(also she looked hot in her final scene. not to make this gay but uh. her jacket is gorgeous and she’s perfect and I love her)
(also also,, my main headcanons for Sarah are that she’s autistic and either gay or bi bc like. have you seen her. there’s no way that bitch is straight lmao)
as for Ava,,, she had so much potential when they introduced her, then as is the pattern with med, as soon as she started dating a guy everything went downhill (but she couldn’t have dated a woman bc med hates gay people)
like. at first she was this incredibly intelligent CT surgeon (better than Connor, as she was Dr Latham’s first choice for the CT fellowship) who wasn’t afraid to speak her mind and do what she had to to succeed in a male-dominated field. like yeah, maybe she was a bit of a bitch, but who can blame her really :/ also she’s hot so like. if she wanted to be a bitch to me I’d let her
anyway. her initial conflicts with Connor were actually interesting, because it’s obvious he’s never really been challenged before, and as a result has a bit of a god complex. even as they warmed up to each other, there was still a friendly rivalry, but it was nice
(we’re not going to talk about the fact that she was introduced simply as an antagonist to Connor bc I can’t bring myself to think about that rn)
but of course they had to throw in a romantic relationship, and because she pretty much only spent time with people from CT, it had to be with Connor <3 they’d have honestly been better as friends because literally everything went downhill from here
Ava in season 4 is almost a completely different person to when she was introduced. she was suddenly obsessed with Connor, and was literally willing to do anything (including commit murder!! wtf!!!!) to be with him?? the agency and self-assuredness (idk if that’s a word) that she somewhat had in s3 was suddenly gone, and had been replaced with a personality disorder that the writers only mentioned after she’d left the show
(it genuinely seemed more like an afterthought to explain away their bad writing and inconsistent characterisation rather than an actual plot point, but that’s just me)
anyway like. not to keep making things gay but she genuinely had Big Gay Energy (the med writers love making the gayest characters possible then having them be canonically straight, but that’s a post for later) and her storyline would have been so much better if she Had been a lesbian
there wouldn’t have been any of that rh*kker drama, which means it’s unlikely she would have murdered someone and then [redacted] herself to avoid prison
and like. even if they hadn’t had her date Sarah, it would have been nice to see some lesbian rep, and avoid the toxic relationship that was her and Connor
idk I just think the med writers could have done so much better with her, and they did Norma (and Colin) dirty by fucking their characters up that much
anyway to conclude. Ava and Sarah are both perfect and also have the biggest gay energy and I love them a lot <3 if you’ve made it all the way to here please know I’d die for you ajdhsjdhsk
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bruhkit · 3 years
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2020 eoy ask meme
no one asked but i like sharing so here! also heres the link to the ask meme if u wanna do it urself b/c like fuck waiting 2 b asked questions. here’s me reminiscing on the yr of our devil 2020
Song of the year?
hmmmm. my most played song on spotify was mama mia by austin weber but idk if that came out this year uhhh... i really liked monster by kp. obsidian was very cute c:
Album of the year?
PUNISHER BY PHOEBE BRIDGERS!!!!!!! 10/10 EXCELLENT DEPRESSION ALBUM also v existential and end of the world themed- v on brand for 2020.
Favorite musical artist / group you started listening to this year?
imma have to go phoebe bridgers on this one as well. her voice just cuts cool and clean like water and her lyrics are just *chefs kiss* lov her
Movie of the year?
lmao movies came out this year? jk but tbh with covid i didn’t really get much of a chance to watch any new movies. ooo but the short “if anything happens i love you” on netflix was really good i cried like 3 mins into watching it.
TV show of the year?
the good place!!! i just remember getting really into it at the beginning of this year so much that i started saying forking and stuff lol. it’s such a cute show with such a good wholesome message about bettering urself. 10/10 would recommend.
Episode of tv or webisode that defined the year for you?
tbh i do not watch shows only youtube so i’m just gonna say unus annus was super cool and i lov my goofy bois
Favorite actor of the year?
BASIC ANSWER BUT IDK EMILIA CLARKE IS SOOO CUTE!!! when quarantine started i watched like all 8 seasons of got and sheesh, khalisee b so fine wtf.
Game of the year?
i am not a gamer but among us was p fun. i played a looooooottt of it. i remember there was a week where i was literally staying up every night to play among us with different friend groups lol it was fun.
Best month for you this year?
uhj. do u realize what year this was.,., lol. jk i think probably just sometime in the summer when i was j chilling with no major responsibilities and getting in call with my friends all the time and hanging with my fam. 
Something that made you cry this year?
bf might go to taiwan :(( cried abt it to him literally yesterday tho i just ew. long distance crimg. also it’s kinda funny bc in my past relationship my ex like memorized the time difference for taiwan and did long distance calls over discord for their past relationship and i was like bruh crimg i would never do that shit but here i am haha -_-. 
Something you want to do again next year?
get railed! jkjk uhhh idk ig playing games with friends more and being more social. friend groups r nice to have.
Talk about a new friend you made this year?
mmmm it’s not that we weren’t friends but max and i got to b very close friends over quarantine and it’s very cool. also sloane was v cool even tho i suck at uh. consistently conversing with people. also kennedy and alice r very cool and i like talking to them abt being degenerates lol. 
How was your birthday this year?
IT WAS AWESOMWQ!!! my friends drove and gave me gifts and i was v happy ab it :)! i got a thicc gaster keychain  which tbh is the sexiest thing i’ve ever been given. love my homies all my homies r sexy.
Favorite book you read this year?
Frankenstein was pretty good ngl some school reading kind of smacks.
What’s a bad habit you picked up this year?
hehgehghe uh. bad @ respondibg to message. bad @ being consistent with school work. i also haven’t practiced a lot which is rlly bad b/c uh. music major. quarantine rlly has me depressed out here with no effort but tbh i think i’ve been sinking into that for a while. i def am gonna need to be stricter with myself next year. 
Post a picture from the beginning of the year?
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me with the homies
Post a picture from the end of the year?
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my hair is short! 
A memorable meal this year?
had pad thai for the first time. it was v good.
What’re you excited about for next year?
COVID VACCINE. SEEING MY FRIENDS BRUHGHG I WANNA HUG MY HOMIES SO MUCHHCHCH. I WANNA GO TO CLASSS. I’M SO TIRED BRUH.
What’s something you learned this year?
uh that i am not insane also that i am bi. tbh i think i’ve been bi for a while i just like. hated men and didn’t ever rlly find any interest in dating them b/c all the dudes in hs are crusty. but i have a bf and it’s pretty pog so.. :P. it is what it is. 
What’s something new about your place of residence (room, home, or general location) now vs the start of the year?
uhhhh h h. i have a tv and i remodeled my room so i can watch my tv from my bed? idk i’ve just been home it’s the same p much.
Favorite place you visited this year?
i went literally nowhere this year fuck covid. i guess going to parks and walking around was pretty cool, also skating but the allen skate park is like. full of 8 year olds doing full on ollies and shit. lowk intimidating
If you could send a message to yourself back on the first day of the year, what would it be?
i’m sorry that you think you need to put up with this. and i’m sorry that you feel insane, you’re not you just need to get out of that relationship. if something doesn’t feel right you should go, also never let someone explain ur feelings to u again. u know how u feel and no amount of therapizing will make how u feel go away. that being said focus on urself bbg and maybe apply urself more to school and just say whatever b/c no one rlly cares that much. also don’t ghost people bc it’s shitty and makes people feel bad.
Did you keep any New Year’s Resolutions?
lol i dont remember if i had any. i think i just wanted to be like, happy. which i am :) i think this year i should def focus on school more and fitness bc i wanna get MUSCLE .
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hobgayblin · 3 years
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Oh well I meant mostly fo related because of the blogs theme but you can join in with anything else. For example I cannot stand most Jhin pairs specially the straight ones
YEAH. YEAH MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY. every ship thats jhin/a woman is a bad ship actually. while I’m not smart enough to say if he’s explicitly coded or not he reads as SO SO gay from him mannerisms and how he talks in my professional homosexual opinion. Even if I wasnt in love w/ him I still think he reads as gay tbqh
Plus the basis for every jhin/woman ship I’ve seen is SO boring. like w/ s*na its bc of that one throwaway line she has abt the autographs which is supposed to be HaHa Funny Joke About Jhin and 4, and also bc he has lines abt her and stuff but he also VERY explicitly wants to kill her so I’m... :/ w/ j*nx its bc theyre both batshit insane (in different and very conflicting ways). also jhin is a lot older than her which isnt like a problem, bc shes an adult, but I’m still like.... :/ this man is almost 40 and very mature hes NOT gonna be interested in an annoying 21 year old. and w/ n*mi its because..............???????? idk i think shes a good support for him but otherwise i have NO idea where that one came from but its SO popular.
I honestly don’t like any of the m/m ships with jhin either. I don’t rly mind any of them except jhin/k*yn which I don’t like. jhin/z*d im fine with seeing but also their backstories are both about them actively trying to kill each other so its not like. great. but they also have the most basis for a ship so i understand why ppl ship them. I’ve also seen some jhin/thresh which I THINK comes from their rivalry w/ the dark cosmic skins and thats the only one I’m like. ok cool nice thats neat. two awful men I love together. I don’t hate it but i still dont particularly ship it
god I rly spent 3 paragraphs on jhin huh. anyway heres a sparknotes of my thoughts w/ my other boys:
Every Sylas ship I’ve seen sucks except Sylas/S*tt which is like. out of nowhere and while I hate shipping men just bc theyre both conventionally attractive.... I just think theyre neat :) Sylas/L*x is the bane of my existence tho and I could go on forever abt why I hate it but this post is already gonna be long as hell sdghfkds
I haven’t seen a lot of Thresh ships aside from thresh/l*cian(and/or s*nna) and thresh/k*lista both of which I hate. I HAVE seen thresh/k*rthus and thresh/h*carim (or all 3 of them together) and I ADORE that shit whether its ship or not its so good honestly. death husbands ! w8 also I forgot abt thresh/ahr* which I also fucking hate fuck you spirit blossom for making that a thing
Pyke ships are almost NONEXISTANT from what I’ve seen which is both good for me and >:/ why arent yall shipping him w/ people hes sexy. except from maybe pyke/ill*oi which I love them being friends but I dont like the ship simply bc that giant woman belongs to the lesbians. TBF theres not a lot of people To ship him with tho except like. g*ngplank and MF but they’re absolutely on his Hit List and also MF isnt an option actually bc he only likes dude ass :/ MAYBE could throw him into the Graves/TF mix but Idk how well that would work out.... WOULD be sexy tho. 3 husbands in one :) WAIT HOLD ON I LIED I FORGOT ABT PYKE/N*UTILUS I LOVE THAT SHIP SO MUCH. scary revenants in love :)
Luckily for me 90% of the TF/Graves ship stuff is between them which obviously I love..... I love seein my two boys in love they rly should just be a canon couple already riot come on. Other ships I’ve seen include: TF/Y*suo for some reason but honestly its cute ! I like it :) sometimes graves is also thrown in there which is good too. Also TF/Ev*lynn which I DESPISE bc it just came out of their tango skins. smh its not romantic tango its gay/lesbian solidarity. Graves I never see shipped w/ anyone but TF unless its like. porn gsfghhkkskd
Also he’s not a real f/o but I’ve seen so much draven/darius it makes me wanna vomit <3 anyone that ships that needs help yall are fucking nasty and I hate you personally
TL;DR: I hate most canon/canon ships with my f/os aside from like. a couple sgdfghhksdf
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gayregis · 4 years
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angouleme can have little a avuncular guidance. as a treat ... heres some semblance of a compilation of regis being a guardian to angouleme, things i think about . both funnie and sad moments included i think
angouleme sneaks out at night to get into trouble / does other questionable things around the palace nocturnally, regis always catches her and it’s always on accident since they just have very similar time schedules. angouleme stares at him intensely in “oh fuck i just got caught” like O_O for a good 30 seconds EVERY time this happens but regis is just like :| and shrugs saying “i didn’t see anything, i’m a human, i can’t see at night or whatever” and walks off. also the next morning geralt always questions him as to what angouleme was doing, if he saw her when he was coming home, and regis always denies knowledge or says smth along the lines of “i’m not a narc, geralt :/”
angouleme yelling/losing her shit/saying wildly inappropriate things ... regis produces a ye olde granola bar from his bag and gives it to her and she quiets down immediately and is like :) content eating the granola bar. you can also substitute the granola bar with a bag of baby carrots.
similarly angouleme saying crazy shit and geralt telling her to be quiet and asking regis to recount this instead and regis says something incredibly similar/the exact same
that one time that milva was teaching angouleme to shoot and angouleme clear missed the target and got regis instead and actually for the first time was incredibly upset and regretful and guilty that she had inflicted pain and potentially death upon someone and was very worried and apologetic and ashamed ... but also when regis inevitably just plucks out the arrow and hands it back to her and says “oh i think this is yours” angouleme is like wait so he litcherally cant be killed... this is epic
basically angouleme who’s been abandoned having an immortal protector and mentor. peace
as i said in the tags of this post here: regis comes of as so peaceful as an individual that at first angouleme resents him a little, because she associates peace with arrogance... like, oh youre content with your life and dont hate yourself? so you think youre better than me? fucker. and she’s so used to asshole men being creeps in her life that this company still seems really bizarre in the regard that none of these men are dangerous. but then she learns about what ... who ... regis was in the past and she realizes that they’re similar, and then does the math and realizes that maybe one day she’ll also find this inner peace and can stop hating herself so much for the things she’s done and the things that have happened to her. angouleme not feeling as though she's so alone and such a fuckup that only she could ever get into such a mess like this... i feel like she has an unhealthy amount of survivor’s guilt, as in she blames herself for not dying while everyone else in her band did, and she also feels like what the world has given her she deserved because she was a fundamentally bad person from birth bc of her status, and that she will be stuck in this violent hellscape of a life forever and thats just how it is and she has to continue violence... but i think when she meets regis (and also milva) she realizes that violence does not need to be a cycle and change is possible.
also in the tags of that post: i think... regis developing more understanding/empathy and putting ethical philosophy into actual practice where it actually has stakes (haha haha haha stakes haha haha haha haha haha). i think in the hansa he learns what humanity actually means
also bc vampires just... do not parent, it’s not in their culture to, regis learning what guardianship actually means and growing into this position where he protects this child and begins to understand humanity on this deeper level of the feeling of protecting a child, because that’s very human, valuing and protecting the progenity for a new generation is incredibly human
also geralt arguing with regis that “humans don’t regrow their heads” so he can’t just be supporting her doing all sorts of dumb shit just bc he did it and he turned out alright... they kind of have to argue on how to parent i’m saying bc again vampire parenting is not much parenting at all. just let them go wild what’s the worst that could happen... they’ll learn sort of thing. so regis has to confront the idea of human fragility and mortality
i think regis also learns from angouleme in that it’s very easy to hate and loathe your past self and curse your past self, asking “what could i have possibly been thinking, what an idiotic thing to do...” when your past self was not actually devoid of any redeemable qualities and was actually just misguided and without hope... regis condemns his past self quite harshly but because he would never admonish angouleme in such a way i think he realizes that the self-loathing is excessive and unproductive and potentially harmful
i said this in a post already, but geralt is overflowing with fatherly vibes and milva is also stern so i think there is a lot of value in regis to angouleme , in that she can tell him practically anything and he won’t get on her case for it . she finds this kind of amnesty in him whereas with the other members of the hansa they’d freak and start asking her all these questions. regis is just like “hm ok” and maybe discusses a little but doesn’t give her shit for it. this allows angouleme to confide a lot of stuff that she wouldn’t normally feel safe to tell someone else, and also probably gets her out of a lot of trouble bc someone (a very powerful someone) will know where she is and what she’s doing... so if she gets into trouble, she has a lifeline
this also means she can tell him a lot of funnie stories that she doesn’t have to stop herself with because “was gonna say smth funny and then remembered it involved murder.” also regis has like a thousand stories too obviously so he counters her wild tales with smth even crazier and then they’ll try to compete for a bit like “well ONE TIME i...” but angouleme actually always wins and neither knows how she does
surgery lessons, or basically regis was sewing someone up and angouleme invaded the scene going “can i watch can i watch”
also alchemy lessons, which turns into basically “so that’s how you make fisstech... interesting”
i think also in these mentorships regis quizzes her lightly like “and what reactions does this species of plant produce in the human body...?” and angouleme says the right answer, “oh they drop dead” and regis is like “very good!” and angouleme kind of goes insane with happiness a little at being called ‘good’ / being praised by a parental figure for maybe like one of the first times in her life. similarly, i think regis would attest to angouleme’s character at the breakfast table in discussions, and say things like “well our angouleme is very smart” and she’d be like >:3!!!
as in canon, adopting each other’s speech mannerisms... not just regis adopting angouleme’s unique phrases, but i would also like to think abt angouleme saying smth pseudo-philosophical to throw someone off of her tracks... like “so, i owe you money... but what is the concept of debt and ownership, anyways? isn’t it all just a construct by society? by humanity?” and then she bolts and evades her creditors
regis trying to teach angouleme stuff and then being like “oh wait i forgot you can’t fly, hmm... ” “oh wait i forgot you can’t hypnotize people, hmm....... that complicates things...” ... jokes on regis though bc apparently angouleme can scale buildings and talk her way out of a lot of situations, so that’s almost as good as flight and hypnosis
im trying to not be sad rn but i think regis would be a very good person to cry on. like his cloak is very soft. and he smells like herbs. so there you go. but i think also angouleme having a breakdown would be cathartic for both of them because angouleme realizes that she’s being vulnerable around an adult and she isn’t afraid of them and regis realizes that he has a responsibility to not treat physical wounds, but rather to treat emotional ones and that’s infinitely more difficult
i think angouleme would have breakdowns to regis about: her family/her mother, geralt taking her into the hansa but she feels like he probably just sees her as a replacement daughter, i think also she gets into too much trouble one night and regis has to get her out of trouble and she kind of just breaks down because her life is crazy and has always been crazy and there’s no way out because this is all she has
i think angouleme also gets pretty upset at seeing children/teens with “perfect lives,” like she just gets crazy bitter about it... and there’s no shortage of nobility around the palace, so she’s constantly reminded of her background. i think regis’s not-being-a-human-isms and philosophy that stems from an immortal perspective that all humans are equal in life and death can help with this. but also he kind of has to learn that you can’t just talk about smth abt society or the past that is fucked up and solve it by having had said it... it will always remain an issue...
i also think that regis has his ravens scout around for angouleme’s lost pendant with a sea-cat on it, but when she gets it back she gets mad and says that she doesn’t want it because she doesn’t want to be reminded of her mother, regis is like “ok” but angouleme is still mad, she realizes she’s mad because she doesn;t think that regis realizes that he’s actually become more of a guardian to her than her biological mother was, and tries to provoke him but regis is unprovokable ofc so he’s like hm explain that and angouleme just spills her emotions
to bring this back to happy i think they could also prank geralt pretty hard. and or eavesdrop. plus there will be times like where angouleme is waiting by a door trying to listen in and straining and regis stands like 3 feet from the door and hears everything perfectly, just recites it all aloud and she’s like oh this is so much easier. 
also once angouleme was eavesdropping on geralt and dandelion arguing and regis approached and was like “angouleme :/” and angouleme was like >:/ “get out of here i’m tryna eavesdrop” and regis was like “there’s a more professional way to do this” and disappears through the door, angouleme is like “showoff!” ... geralt smells sage and throws a moon dust bomb at him and regis coughs up silver shards for the rest of the day. also when angouleme hears the explosion she jumps in, so this was a failed attempt all around
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jageunyeoujari · 6 years
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hello yaejin. i wanted to apologize for last night. i'm sorry i brought your mental health into an argument, and i'm sorry i invalidated your feelings. that was out of line, and i honestly fucked up. i saw a pattern ive seen before and i jumped to conclusions and it was inappropriate and cruel, especially while we were having an argument. i was dealing with a mental health crisis of a friend and i let it influence me and i wasn't good enough to walk away and say i couldn't talk rationally.
 (sorry, limit). my own situation doesn’t make it okay what i said, and i don’t want to imply it, i just wanted to let you know the context. i’m sorry again.
apologizing for what exactly. sorry for what exactly. you “brought up my mental health” as if it was just a little no-big-deal comment when you used my vulnerability in talking abt my recent mental health struggles as proof that i’m going insane & thus everything i say is illogical when i was talking abt racism in white ace/aro discourse. the ableism was literally a vehicle for you to derail a conversation about race so by copping to just the one, you’re not actually acknowledging the underlying issue framing it. this is such a vapid, spineless, fake apology that doesn’t acknowledge the underlying intent or impact of what that ableism did which was to derail my points abt RACISM & my experience as a lesbian woc who’s also ace. you’re just copping to the obvious thing that even some of the ppl in your clique might feel vaguely bad abt & ignoring everything else.
& you say you just “invalidated my feelings?” LET’S GO IN-DEPTH. first, you were openly hostile for even daring to question you. you brought up corrective rape as a gotcha bc you knew that was an explosive thing to drop & you could derail any objections i have to your ranting as invalidating survivors. & when i asked for proof for your claims of ace/aro oppression & them facing corrective rape, you said you didn’t want to look at triggering material when YOU were the one who dropped corrective rape in the first place w absolute no warning & w no thought if it would trigger ME (which it fucking did btw, thx.) it was curious to me that you used corrective rape as a gotcha for ace/aro oppression when it was created to describe the violence that black lesbians face in south africa. esp in light of how you seem to have this pattern of insinuating how lesbians are somehow so accepted by the lgbt community when we’re so uniquely bigoted & we never try to keep out terfs but don’t seem to take into account how ace/aros can can also be transphobic/terfs as well as homophobic & lesbophobic. that’s not a matter of a few “shitty” ppl. lgb ppl are also allowed to be wary of any non-same sex attracted person being homophobic as they necessarily benefit for not being same sex-attracted esp when have been oppressed for displaying any kind of sexual desire & deemed better if we are asexual. & it seems like you have a pattern of only calling out lesbians instead of like also gay/bi men which i find curious. maybe you do tho & i just haven’t seen. but lesbophobia in the lgbt community esp against lesbians of color is real so it’s just odd that for you to keep saying that we have a completely comfortable position in it. also you positing lesbianism & ace/aro identity as exclusive categories does play into the stereotype that lesbians are hypersexual which is esp damaging to lesbians of color. 
anyway, when i researched on my own & found no convincing evidence to support your claims, you threw a tantrum bc NO MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCES & FEELINGS OF BEING OPPRESSED = ULTIMATE TRUTH OF ACE/ARO OPPRESSION. your experiences are valid & all. you’re allowed to feel upset by them. but i fail to see being ace/aro constitutes institutional oppression.  in my search, i mainly saw claims of individual microaggressions and acts of verbal violence as evidence of oppression when those things by themselves don’t prove that there’s an explictly anti-ace/aro system of oppression. i can experience microaggressions for being asian & also not being into sex but those are entirely on different levels for me. i know instinctively that racism is an institutional oppression. i’m literally ace & microaggressions for that mean nothing to me in comparison. you feel differently abt it & you’re allowed but again, personal experience of microaggressions doesn’t prove institutional oppression. i also saw vague citings of a study of ppl apparently being more likely to say they’d discriminate against asexuals than lgbt ppl. the study seemed too flawed to me & doesn’t seem to take into account how ppl might know it’s bad to admit they’d discriminate against lgbt ppl but that doesn’t prove they’re not actually homophobic/transphobic. like liberal white ppl likely won’t admit that they’re racist bc they know that looks bad. doesn’t mean they’re not racist. as for corrective rape, i don’t remember finding anything that wasn’t abt violence against black lesbians & certainly not any that cites specifically anti-ace/aro motivations. i’m not saying it can never happen. but in comparison, it can be proven that cr is part of an explicit system of homophobia & misogyny against black lesbians in south africa but i didn’t see any for ace/aros. & i mean, i researched this while reading abt cr which is deeply upsetting to me as a lesbian so it’s not like this was easy for me. but i don’t rly think you have a leg to stand on in this instance bc you never provided any proof & didn’t say what your exacting reasoning on this is. it didn’t even have to be abt cr & i’m not saying you should disclose traumatic experiences, but just… say something to help me understand where you’re coming from. otherwise you look like you’re just expecting a woc to blindly accept & follow you.
& i have to bring up white ace/aro discourse elides how misogyny & patriarchy & racism & other -isms impact pressures to be sexual or asexual.  poc esp black ppl are stereotyped as either hypersexual or asexual. being seen as hypersexual is dehumanizing & can be traumatic & lead to real life serious consequences. i’m literally asexual but i empathize w non-asexual poc esp woc & the struggles they face & thus have no interest in white ace/aro rhetoric that posits being sexual as a universally normal, ideal, uncomplicated privilege & asexuals are oppressed by them. also being seen as asexual/actually being asexual can be so damaging & traumatic to poc which is why so many of us are alienated by white ace/aros who posit it as a universally positive thing to be proud of. white ace/aros also imply that they can somehow face oppression by like non-sexual poc which is concerning in light of the history of racist/colonialist ideas of backwards, hypersexual black & brown menaces & seductresses versus the purity & chastity of whiteness. controlling the sexuality of poc is a key part of white supremacy so there isn’t an obvious oppressor/oppressed dynamic here like men/women, white/poc. & considering how reproductive justice is constantly under fire & how there’s societal pressure for women to be effectively asexual until (hetero) marriage, it’s hard for me to think how non-asexual women not in hetero relationships actually… benefit from being non-asexual. there’s also different expectations abt being sexual for men, esp white men, than women & white ace/aro discourse tends to ignore that. sure, men are generally encouraged to be sexual & the shaming of asexual men likely sucks. but shaming doesn’t necessarily mean ace/aro oppression & seems more like to me a symptom of patriarchy/gender roles & heteronormativity.  so in my estimation, misogyny & patriarchy & racism as well as other systems of oppression like ableism, homophobia, transphobia, & classism better explain these differing expectations for being sexual or asexual rather than ace/aro vs non-ace/aros being an entirely separate dynamic. i literally couldn’t find any evidence for your claims & you got so upset at me for that but never tried giving me one piece of proof. yes, i know that oppressors demanding the oppressed to prove their oppression to them is a legitimate thing & the oppressed don’t need to feel obligated to educate them. i’ve experienced this frustration many times myself. but your behavior in this instance strikes me as white entitlement & again, a sign of you being frustrated that a woc isn’t blindly accepting you’re automatically right.
& when i started getting rly into the racism in white ace/aro discourse, you rly lost your shit. you dropped your abuse history & claimed i was invalidating you being abused for being ace when i literally never did. you straight up lied abt that. & also i know you know that i have experienced abuse & if you like bothered to think, you would take into account that i could be triggered by you dropping that out of nowhere, but instead you dropped it in an attempt to derail & get me to shut up. now this is when you suddenly rave abt how it’s obvious i’m on a bad mental health spiral & i’m believing in conspiracy theories & i’m paranoid, all a transparent attempt to make everything i said abt racism apparently wrong. w/o giving me a chance to reply, you promptly blocked like a coward. oh, also truly hilarious how you’re such a hypocrite for bringing up your friend’s mental health crisis as an excuse for your racialized misogyny when you literally used my mental illnesses to derail & attack me & dropped 2 instances of potentially triggering shit as gotchas & never took into account how this all could impact MY mental health. 
rose also sent me a long ass screed abt how i’m rigid & narrow-minded & crazy & paranoid & lied abt how i’m guilting her abt not being an activist which i explained multiple times i wasn’t. she blocked before i could respond. so not just you but your clique sure seem to love throwing tantrums abt how your feelings equal the ultimate truth & how dare some bitch try to think critically abt institutional oppression & process her thoughts on her private twitter & be, god forbid, socially conscious. who does that chink think she is, am i right? why isn’t she just a doormat & shut up? why is she making us UNCOMFORTABLE?!?!?!! like maybe ask yourselves why you take it so personally & you all don’t like it when i talk abt sj & activism. rly look inside yourself for why that is. 
& as soon as you’re all done with your ravings, which are full of lies & deliberate misinterpretations of what i said & massive projection & anti-intellectualism & manipulation & guilt-tripping, you all block so you don’t have to face the consequences or have to hear me out. that’s so fucking spineless & cowardly. & that’s so loaded since you all prevented me from saying anymore on racism. that’s just classic white fragility & a fear of outspoken, critical woc making you uncomfortable abt race. oh, also shout out to runa who acted “impartial” but did effectively the same thing as you. she acted concerned abt my mental health so she could convince me i’m crazy & get me to shut up abt institutional oppression & racism & instead focus on “fun things” (i.e. non-political, safe topics so she could feel comfortable). i feel esp disappointed in her bc that kind of wishy washy behavior is extremely irritating & patronizing & two-faced to me. i hated her acting like she was worried abt me when she was effectively doing the same thing as you, silencing me & making me feel crazy which means everything i say is wrong. 
really try to reflect why you all thought it was threatening when i tried to facilitate a productive dialogue, i did try to be level-headed & open-minded, emphasized that i just want to understand your pov, researched on my own for your claims, & processed my thoughts on institutional oppression & my experiences as a lesbian woc who’s also ace. i tried to open up a dialogue but you refused & threw a hissy fit bc i dared to not join your echo chamber & tried looking at actual data instead of just believing that you’re automatically right w no proof which is esp loaded in this situation bc you’re white. sjc also pulled this on me too so yes i am angry you also did the same. you all treated me in such bad fucking faith & pulled such fucking passive aggressive, manipulative, cowardly, idiotic bullshit.
god, you know what? your behavior in this indicated a huge sense of white entitlement & a problem w black & white thinking & accompanying self-righteousness. i try so hard to be nuanced & compassionate & flexible & see from your pov & i clearly stated i wanted a dialogue.. what did i get in return for it? not even the bare minimum. you treated me like fucking shit & never gave me even a tiny bit of effort or consideration. that’s racialized misogyny. how fucking dare you give me this fucking insipid half-assed fake apology. you didn’t even fucking try to think abt how you actually hurt me. all i’m getting here is you attempting to assuage a vague sense of guilt FOR YOUR OWN SAKE. not even attempting to think abt how i’m an actual real human being w my own emotions, thoughts, & will. how fucking selfish can you get. not the first fucking time white ppl wanted me just be a doormat, to be their submissive smiling oriental doll only there to validate their stupid, self-centered asses & not the first time their apology was abysmal. actually, you know what, i don’t even know why i even bothered writing all this fucking shit trying to explain myself & wasting my time on you again when you’ve never tried to do anything for me, not even make a fucking decent apology.
in conclusion, this was all v obviously steeped in racism & white entitlement/fragility all in an attempt to silence me bc how fucking dare some woc bring up social justice issues in a way that’s not catered to you. you’ve all shown your asses & clearly demonstrated ableism & racialized misogyny. i’m profoundly disappointed in all of you & you’ve all hurt me so much. i’m blocking you now bc you’ve proven yourself to be a lost cause. 
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ilygsd · 5 years
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110918
the only reason i even like this ugly fkn cunt is because we’re so similar. or at least were, he’s grown a bit more than me so i obviously appreciate his help and experience and knowlege or whatever.
but fuck him in the fucking asshole, not only is he a white man, not only does he get triggered by ”i hate whites/men” and ”ppl listen to u cus ur a white man” and takes it SUPER PERSONALLY and accuse me of fucking attacking him and shit. hes acting like a fucking dick when we’re fighting and the thing is……. HE REFUSES to admit when i say we’re similar in the way we fight??? he’s like ”no, im not” and im like YES BITCH YOU ARE YOU’RE ACTING LIKE A FUCKING CHILD
he’s so fucking aggressive, manipulative, guilt tripping and just…. COLD. i swear what the fuck is wrong with him? i’ve met him 3 times, and we’ve fought 2 times. ive known him for like 2 weeks and we’ve already had 2 major fights??
the only reason im not fucking murdering him on the spot is because 1. im not a fucking idiot. i know my limits. i CANT control him, i CANT manipulate him. i dont have any power over him and 2. i fucking like him?? if i dont apologize he’s going to go on for fucking ever and eternity??? i like him and im actually genuinely sorry that he’s hurt even if he’s a fucking pussy who got triggered over smth as petty
like excuse ME!! the way he fights is REALLY triggering for me??? the first time i was terrified. it was like flashbacks and shit i cried for a whole day and i hadn’t even met him back then. i was SO SCARED and SO SHOCKED. because IT IS I who usually have his position. it is I who usually put people in their places, NOT the other way around. i HATE being scolded, feeling like a worthless little piece of shit
i knew that i should’ve blocked his ass because that can really be SO damaging to me. also there’s a risk im goong to explode as well and we’re just gonna trigger each other and fight to death…. but i didnt because i was too god damn curious of what he had to offer. is it really possible for me to be happy as well? is it really possible for me to heal and grow like him? ERHM well obviously he’s not in his ”complete form” yet, fucking psycho when he get angry, but he’s pretty happy and kind and positive generally
i worried so much about me draining him with my anxiety and issues but he said he wouldnt let me drain him. he said he always put himself first and the he basically would leave if i try to pull anything on him. why the fuck did i even worry about him when he’s trying to manipulate and guilt trip me?? I AM SO PISSED. HE REALLY TRIED TO DO THAT THAT STUPID MOTHERFUCKER.
during our first fight it worked because i was SO SHOCKED, as i said. and i was SCARED. but fuck him in the asshole he really- he really tried to FUCKING DO THAT TO ME
he accuses me of being disrespectful of his limits when he goes fucking bananas, everythings happening so fast i cant even process what just happen, i dont even have the time to apologize cus hes all over and everywhere. and he’s so fucking threatening. he’s like ”if you dont…..” and he doesnt realize what the fuck he’s doing?? i apologize because 1. i hate these fights and 2. i like him i dont want to hurt him but he’s like ”i have nothing to apologize for”
STUPID FUCKING CUNTBAG YOUR UGLY TECHNIQUES ARE WAY OVER MY LIMITS, YOURE DISRESPECTING ME 101919X MORE THAN I EVER DISREPSEXTED U BY CALLING U A WHITE MAN.
(also can we talk abt how this motherfucker understabds that whites and men are privileged but he still doesnt get why reverse oppression isnt a thing and that it is GROUPS that are privileged and NOT individuals??? like he’s that fucking dumb)
that shit actually HURT!!!! i think he’s really immature during fights, i think he’s really fucking pathetic and i’m glad i’ve come to that conclusion rather than beating myself up. yes, i now understand that this is probably what it feels like for the counterpart when im fighting with them and im fuckig sorry that im acting like this psycho
BUT!!!!!! what really HURT was that he HONESTLY TRIED TO MANIPULATE ME. if i hadn’t called his ass out this time he would have gotten away with it AGAIN
bitch, he’s fucking 23 years old. he’s 4 years older than me. he also KNOWS!!!!!! i have a stupid crush on him and he STILL!!!!! TRIED TO GUILT TRIP ME, TRIED TO MAKE ME OBEY AND SUBMIT TO HIM, GET DOWN ON MY KNEES AND BEG
im so pissed and a part of me wish i would just have exploded but i couldnt because it was fucking 1 am and my family was asleep and i couldnt fucking shout at someone over the phone. also it actually made me feel a bit superior and mature when i was all calm and he still was upset (even though he wouldnt admit it, stupid proud brat. his voice changes distinctly). okay YES, i MAY have patronized him a little but also NOT!!! i was just really tired and sad and i still liked him so like….. i was just upset and trying to calm him down
its kind of hilarious how i had to tell him to stop sounding so aggressive and he was like ”im not” and i was like ”yes you are” and so he actually KIND OF stopped and it was easier to talk to him. wow i feel so powerful lmao. omg in really not any better than him am i? i know im not because no matter how much he denies it…….. im literally exactly the same when i fight 😔😔 i tell myself i wasnt like that because i didnt WANT to, because i want to be MATURE but a part of me honestly thinks its just me knowing my place. i like him more than the likes me, he can use that to his advantage, there was no reason or possibility for me to dominate him.
im still very pissed though and just because i like him i still REFUSE to follow him like a little puppy. ive been so worried ALL this time that i wouldnt be able to keep up with him intellectually, that he was too good for me, too smart and too kind. PFFFFFFFT!!! im sorry but i swear i was just idealizing him or smth. its his fucking voice and scent, its like a drug it makes me all calm and dizzy but objectively…. dont fucking let him manipulate you. if he ever makes you feel like yo should apologize and that tou did wrong, ask yourself WHY. an east escape is not the right answer. call him the fuck out. i think and hope he avtually would appreciate it as well……. even though he’s so fucking stubborn and proud OMG HES SO PROUD I CANT, I AM PROUD TOO BUT NOT TO HIM. or maybe a little since i now refuse to fucking message him, maybe a little bit manipulative but no, im still mad, the way he acted lady night was fucked up. why does he have to be so proud with ME???? is it because he doesnt feel as emotionally connected to me as i do? yeah probably
that stupid motherufcker…. when i told him ”instead of threatening me that you’re gonna hung up if i dont ’respect’ aka BEHAVE accordingly…. you could just say ’hey im not comfortable talking right now, i need to hung up’ AND HE WAS LIKE ”but we’re not that close-/but we’re not that emotionally-” or something like that and i was like……. is this dipshit clown really serious?? ”uhhh its more like COMMON SENSE AND RESPECT” and he was like ”yeah maybe…” YEAH MAYBE? NO YOU KNOW IM FUCKING RIGHT
god that piece of shit really thinks he has me wrapped around his finger or something. im attracted to him but what he doesnt understand is that he’s still a plain white man. he had NO IDEA how much im controlling myself by even letting myself fall for a white man. does he really think he can like…. i sont know?? i fucking asked him. because i said ”i dont demand or threaten you” and he was like yeah i know. and i was like woahhh…. wait a second….. ”do you think i dont because i like you? do you think i would just follow you whatever?” and he was like ”im not gonna answer that”
oh my god he really thought didnt he. stupid ass white boy really thought i would choose him over myself or any of my siblings of color. smh poor jack.
im going nuts. okay…. if he EVER pulls something like this again i wont be so sure i’ll be able to handle this on a mature level. the worst thing is though that i HAVE TO. because even when i DO, he’s so fucking ptronizing. like te WHITE MAN just jumped out???? if i were to lose my shit……. ITS SI FRUSTRATING AND ITS EXACTLY WHY I CANT BE WITH A WHITE MAN. i was avtually very fucking calm and he STILL managed to make me feel like i was the ”bad guy”.
ughhhh im fucking insane. this…… whatever the fuck our relationship is cus this boy is apprently only interested in me what the fuck that now even means?? okay so we can like hang out and be physical and cuddle and shit but we’re not a couple and its NOT limited to being exclusively us. apparebtly i should still feel flattered though?? cus he doesnt find anyone attractive and he needs some sort of chemistry??? im sorry boy but i am NOT flattered. you do you, i get it, it takes time for you to fall in love with someone but im obviously still much more emotionally invested. that not your fault. thats my problem. my abandonment and attatchment issues. honestly im so fucked i cant even differ my feelings. my feelings for him are strong but idk what they are. some days i feel like platonic friendship, other days an older brother, a romantic partner and sometimes even a dad/parental figure. like im that fucked up i just need a STRONG BOND i dont care what
i low key hate myself for how i ended the call yesterday. thanks to that, now i cant bring this up again. its too late. the fight is ”over”. i was like ”i still like u bye goodnight sweet dreams” but now im like ”i hate u ugly bitch”.
god my head
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