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#HC —— sometimes i feel like an inland ocean.
harunovella · 8 months
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bae watch; s.g. - lifeguard!gojo headcanons
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a/n: in the midst of working on my gojo series, I saw this still and just had to throw something together! I forgot making hc’s was a thing? would’ve saved me sm time to get out all my fic ideas… anyway, here’s some lifeguard!gojo x beach goer!fem!reader, enjoy (no warnings, just a bit suggestive at the end & not beta read)
- gojo satoru knows he is the hottest man alive, he has no humility in that aspect, it’s just obvious to him… why else would people—specifically mothers—constantly gawk at him when he walked along the sandy beaches in that red lifeguard sweater unzipped, chiseled abs and solid chest on display, and tight (matching) shorts to top it all off? not to mention, the rounded dark shades that he always let slid down his nose to send the ladies winks their way… he’s handsome, he’s sexy, he’s every synonym for attractive known to man
- there’s no doubt the partners of said women (should they be their with a boyfriend or spouse) are dripping in jealousy… how can they compete with that? those ocean ices, snow white hair that shined under the sun lilac and that subtle ton on his smooth skin… all recipes for jealousy. gojo thrived off of it, it boosted his ego… no matter how many times his friends warned him to take it down a notch, the man never cared, this was his serotonin! so of course when there’s a new cutie on the beach during the summer—a new regular—he can’t help but want her attention as well!
- and by her, I clearly mean you. he wants your attention. he’s a slut for it, he needs everyone’s undivided attention on his washboard abs and charming smirk that held pearly white teeth. however, you weren’t giving it to him. you didn’t pay him mind and he wasn’t liking that…
- you, for once, took the summer off from college. sure, you were in a hurry to finish, but your mental health came first and you needed time away…
- the beach was actually in your home town, the school you attended was more inland and you needed to get closer to nature somehow. and that somehow was the ocean blue before you. you didn’t live to far, a good half hour drive depending on traffic, sometimes relying on the bus if you were feeling a bit lazy… most of the time you came with your childhood friends you kept in touch with. most were already working their full time jobs while others were on the same boat as you, managing work and school life. the bright idea of enjoying the summer at the beach almost daily came from one of your good friends and you couldn’t quite turn the opportunity down—you practically grew up on the beach. you just didn’t expect an obnoxious man to obstruct that… let alone, your view. 
- according to one of your friends, gojo satoru was the local hottie… the man everyone wanted but no one could have. a true, living and breathing tease. all sorts of rumors floated around him but you didn’t pay him mind… wasn’t like you were interested anyway! right?
- wrong! who were you to deflect the gojo satoru’s charm? well… at least you tried…
- you spent what felt like days ignoring his every move, the constant flirtation, the obvious need for your attention specifically… you weren’t sure why, he barely even knew you!
- unbeknownst to you, one of you local friends was actually good college friends with him—ieiri shoko
- what you didn’t know was that your belove lifeguard begged and begged and pleaded his old brunette college bestie for any and every detail about you: from your favorite color to your oddest quirk. she didn’t understand why at first, for as long as she’s known the man, he’s never cared for anyone other himself (not entirely true, he actually really loves his friends)… that is until it hit her. he actually had a crush on a girl who didn’t want anything to do with him! how odd was that?
- wasn’t all that odd when shoko was a good people reader and she knew that deep down inside (not too deep) you very much found gojo attractive. she’s seen the way you look at him when he’s not paying attention. she’s seen the way you’ve counted his abs, your eyes bouncing from side to side… and she’s definitely seen you doodle little sketches of him along the margins of the books you were reading in ink… you’re not so innocent yourself.
- thus! she plays matchmaker! she helps her little (but really, giant) white haired friend to get the girl under one condition: he doesn’t fuck it up!
- and he swears tooth and nail he won’t!
- to her surprise, he actually is doing everything to get your attention. not always the right way but he’s trying. he asks you how you’re doing, but then let’s put a snarky remark, only to save it with a compliment out of nowhere. he may be a great flirt to women he actually has no interest in, but when he’s flirting with a girl he actually wants… he’s awful… oddly enough. 
- and yet… you start to fall for that? when those goofy moments slip? he always kills it by trying to play it cool (you wish he wouldn’t) but when that awkward, flustered gojo escapes… it makes your heart skip a beat. makes it race just a little bit…
- maybe that’s why one day you couldn’t help but pull him into a kiss outta the blue. maybe to get a reaction, maybe because you’ve been wanting too—he’s got pink plush lips, who wouldn’t be tempted to? also… maybe you wanted to shut him up because, really, wasn’t it obvious he won you ever? he already had you visiting more than before (alone), he already was sitting by your side on his breaks… you never shooed him away, actually spoke to him, and even brought him food most of the time. was he that oblivious? he just kept blabbering on, thinking he still needed to win you over but, really, it actually wasn’t as hard as he thought (which kinda scared you but here you are, kissing him out in the open as if he wasn’t a lifeguard on duty).   
- you obviously latched onto his jacket, had him yanked your way, maybe even slid in between his legs to get a better angle… gojo maybe have wrapped his massive hands around your waist to keep you there and he may have gotten significantly hard to the point you felt it and couldn’t help but laugh hid it kindly with your extra towel and a “rain check? you know, when you’re not in the middle of watching over people…” and gojo being the fool he is couldn’t help but pout, complaining about “how can I go back to the tower when I’m like this! you have to help me!” 
- and guess what? you know those little changing tents? maybe you two slid into one, maybe you loosened up those shorts that accentuated his thighs and ass and maybe—just maybe—you got on your knees for him as a reward for his efforts of winning you over ♡ 
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stfreds-arc · 3 years
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A BRIEF LOVERS’ GUIDE TO FRED’S BODY LANGUAGE .
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i’ve written about this a hundred times before, but the one hint that gives away whether or not freddie’s feeling something for a sexual partner is touch. it’s almost as if winning her over ( i.e. drawing a sentimental response from her, be it fully romantic or somewhat platonic ) unlocks a whole new language she uses to convey her emotions. she’s always sucked at words —— couldn’t articulate her feelings to save her own life, she simply never feels like she can TRUST the words that come out of her mouth. but she can communicate affection anyway: what follow are a series of behaviors / tendencies she adopts when sentimentally involved with someone ( although it’s not a comprehensive list at all ).
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HANDS —— the dead giveaway: the way she uses hands immediately differentiates sexual partners from people she has FEELINGS for. as explained in another hc before, when having sex / making out with someone she isn’t into, her hands will mostly move to put some distance in between her and her partner — mostly, they will be pushing them away, her hands become a safeguard ready to just shove them off herself. when there is passion, however, her hands will work in the exact opposite way. they will grab, pull them close, sometimes might even be too rough, eager. when kissing especially, she always maintains a contact ( she might cling to their shirt, wrap her arms around them — she’s never idly kissing them ). most of all, most of the time, she will place her hands on the side of their head: keeping them close, her full palm against their face, maximizing contact in a way, and in a way communicating that she’s eager enough to want all of them, the good and the bad alike. 
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EMBRACING —— it basically has the same purpose, but there is something desperate in the way she holds on to people. almost as if he expects them to slip away any moment. in a way, it’s selfish: by the time she’s deep enough to have feelings for someone, her defenses are close to crumbling, her ‘i’m fine on my own’s have begun taking the shape of ‘i need this; this warmth, this touch, this feeling of living’. the fear of losing it — going back to the cold nothing, losing the part of herself she sacrificed in order to let them in — is not a conscious one but it does echo in the way she grabs them, holds them close, never truly breaks contact. not in a suffocating, overly attached way, but the width of her feelings is easily guessed by the presence of her touch over the other’s shoulders, arms, even just holding a hand. and during sex, especially, she tends to hold them close with her whole body, even too eagerly perhaps.
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FULL CONTACT —— her need for contact / touch becomes overwhelming, it carries all her starving. when truly in love ( or involved, even if she can’t verablize that word yet ) she will seek a contact as close to skin on skin as possible with the other — she will enjoy and actively seek to lie on top of them, both naked, virtually no barrier between their bodies. and even with clothes on, her enjoyment of such close physical contact doesn’t really have to do with sex or seduction, it has more of a nurturing effect on her —— the way newborn babies needs to be in contact with bare skin, she recharges this way, aligns her soul, finds a peace of sorts. it’s not unlikely to find her at her most serene, in these moments. sex has barely anything to do with it.
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CLOSENESS / EYE CONTACT —— the thing she does when having casual / occasional sex with someone basically boils down to DODGING them. she avoids them —— when they near her face / mouth she pulls away, she refuses to kiss, she never maintains eye contact. when in love, she will instead actively seek a physical intimacy that goes beyond sexual attraction. she’ll caress, nuzzle up against them in a way reminiscent of animals. extreme closeness won’t frighten her ( though this stage is only achieved way down the line; she needs to TRUST a person with the whole of herself, and that usually takes a fuckton of time ). she won’t be afraid of being exposed, either —— won’t shy away from being seen naked in a non-sexual setting, she will not pull away when they’re nearing her neck / throat ( usually her most sensitive spot, the one that makes her jerk back when touched by people she doesn’t fully trust ). most of all, she’ll be able to look them in the eyes without trying to hide: that’s probably the definitive sign she’s truly loving her partner.
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stfredsa · 3 years
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PERSONS OF INTEREST
 #1 —— PETER ANDREWS, owner of st. peter’s bar, and freddie’s boss for the past eight years. a good man, although to any outsider he’d seem callous at best. born ‘poor white trash’ and destined to a life of minor felonies and underpaying jobs, predictably got lost to bad decisions in his early 20s. from 1982 to 1998 he served a sentence for possession, drug trafficking and manslaughter, after he’d tried defending his brother in a fight. during his time in jail he met FLORENCE, eventually married her after being released. in 2005, with florence’s help, he overtook the old PHOENIX BAR in ashford, california and turned it into ST. PETER’S ( it was florence’s idea to name it this, and all their friends seemed amused enough by the name that it stuck ). freddie appeared over the threshold, soaked in rain and visibly distraught, right before closing time on an august night, in 2013. her plan was to ask for a motel where she could rent a room and move on the following morning, but peter sensed she was in need of help and let her stay at the spare apartment he owned above the bar. two weeks later he decided to cut his hours at the bar and hire fred as a primary bartender, so he’d have more time to help florence with her orchard. 
#2 —— FLORENCE BENNETT ANDREWS, peter’s wife of twenty-two years, ashford hero and neighborhood mom. although raised in a different neighborhood than peter, the difficulties she faced where more, and harder. her dad owned a gardening store in bakersfield, where she began helping out at the age of fourteen and where she quickly fell in love with gardening and the care for plants and flowers. in 1990 she had her son, TYLER, from a relationship that didn’t last long enough to have any impact on her, though she adores her son and will talk about him for hours on end ( he currently lives in L.A. as sound technician for a hollywood production company ). never shying away from volunteering in projects to help at-risk youths and communities, in 1993 she enrolled in a project to help the inmates of the nearby county jail build an orchard in the prison yard. there she met peter, whom she would marry upon his release from the prison, in 1999. thanks to her involvement in several foundations and outreach programs she was able to help him back on his feet after serving his time, and contribute to his dream of owning a bar in ashford, his hometown. now she lives with him above the bar, though she’s most likely to be found working on her orchard or helping out at the women’s shelter, or any other charity she’ll sign up for. she’s the closest thing to a mother fred has —— she’s probably also the only one who’s truly understood the extent of fred’s damage, so far.
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fbfh · 3 years
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percy x reader hcs - you fall asleep on him
ship: percy x gender neutral reader
words: 857
requested: yuh (thanks bc this is so fucking cute??)
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You’ve almost fallen asleep on him a few times before
His presence is just so comforting and life is so hard
You can relax when you’re around him
That's really important
So in quiet moments together
When your head is on his lap, or you’re laying in his arms
What’s to be expected?
He’s like a human antidepressant
The way his chest rises and falls feels like floating on gently swaying water
Everything about him is comforting
His smell, his mannerisms, even the way he hums when he thinks you’re asleep and can’t hear him
“I CaN’t SiNg!1!1!” sure bud
He always smells like the ocean and or petrichor 
He smells more like petrichor the further inland he is
And more like the ocean the closer he is to the coast
 He's also warm
But like the kind of warm of sunshine on your face
If you're cuddled together and you've been quiet for a few minutes he knows you've probably dozed off a little
Never ever ever wakes you up unless he absolutely has to
Because he almost has a fucking aneurysm you're so cute
Like his heart swells 
He's biting his lip 
Literally trying not to giggle
And he doesn't giggle often
[Spoiler warning for the office]
Do you remember that face jim made when he found out pam was pregnant 
That's Percy’s whole mood
That kind of elated
He might have his hand gently running over you back or side
You’re just kind of curled up next to him
Like a little kitten
Your breath is softly hitting his skin and his emotions are overwhelming 
He didn't know he could feel this much love for a person, but here you are
Head on his lap, holding his thigh, asleep while his fingers graze over your shoulder
It's times like this when everything creeps up on him
Thoughts of cozy apartments and discussions of what color keurig you should get start flashing through his mind
He tries to chastise himself
It's too early to think about that
But he can't stop it
Or ignore the serotonin it gives him
He can see you like this every day
Asleep on his chest laying on the couch
A movie continues, ignored
All his attention is on you
Or first thing in the morning, hugging your pillow, tangled up in the cozy blankets
Even hugging his back drowsily as he makes breakfast 
All of it fills him with a strong warm love like nothing he's ever experienced before
If he can get some stealthy pictures, you'd better believe he will 
He'll never show anyone if you don't want him to
He just looks at them and remembers how your arms feel around his waist
How your cheek smooshes against his shoulder 
There's a really specific smile he gets when you fall asleep on him
You're the only one who can do that
Half of the time he spaces out it's because he's thinking about wrapping you up in his arms as soon as he sees you
He loves when you fall asleep on him so much that he starts having cozy blankets on hand
You know 
Just in case
Sometimes you wake up not realizing you fell asleep 
And there's a blanket draped over you two
"I got a little chilly"
He's not slick but you let him have it
Honestly the best part to him
Or one of the best parts
Is how comfortable you must feel around him
He knows how hard sleeping can be
Especially with the dreams y'all tend to get
Not to mention how hard sleeping is with adhd to begin with 
And the fact that you can just nod off from cuddling with him??
Fills him with a sense of pride and love like nothing he's ever experienced 
Saving olympus?
Yeah that was fun ig
But like 
Having you snuggled into his chest?
No amount of drugs could replicate that high
It takes everything in him not to smother you with kisses and cuddles
He's accidentally woken you up one too many times from that
So he tries extra hard not to wake you
The amount of self control it takes not to just start making out with you as astronomical 
But like
Be real
Would being woken up to make out with Percy Jackson really be that bad??
I don't think so
That's the best impulse control he has
Is when it comes to not waking you up
Take the feeling of a tiny kitten or puppy sleeping on you
And amplify it
Times like
A billion
That's the mood for Percy
You're just so
[Loud aggressive my heart is melting noises]
And you just make him
[Loud aggressive smooching noises]
He really genuinely doesn't know what to do with himself 
You fill him with so much love
And a little makeout juice
But mostly love 
He didn't really like napping before he met you
Now he'll nap with you any time any place
Even if he doesn't really sleep and just lovingly admires your beautiful face 
Which is the case most of the time
It's still really nice
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Cirilla + Eist feels
Also I have no idea if there was more background for Eist in the games/boojs, but this is my personal HC 
Eist doesn’t want Ciri to grow up with a fear of the ocean (It’s what killed Pavetta and Duny, so it would be completely justified) but Calanthe is already terrified of it so Eist takes his granddaughter on day trips to his homeland. He teaches Ciri old sailor songs because he wants her to know his culture as well, and Ciri loves them (even the dirty ones.)
They usually leave very early in the morning, and first they would take the big fancy ships, but after a few trips and seeing what the boats are like in Skellige, they instead start taking little five person boats and taking only Ciri, Lazlo, Eist, and whoever Eist has as an attendant. Ciri likes to play on the boat, and when she’s growing up she likes to play at being the captain, something which is reinforced when she actually learns to sail.
The boat rides are long, but Eist teaches Ciri about the ocean, and Skellige history, and they identify fish in the water, and they talk about the other ships on the water, and Ciri llearns how to communicate with distant boats, and learn how to tell friend from foe. (They’re all friendly— Ever since Calanthe and Eist got married Skellige and Cintra have been very close.) And it makes the rides more entertaining when Ciri is always asking “What’s that one, grandfather?” about a fish, or a bird, or a particularly detailed flag on a boat.
The first time they arrived at Skellige it was a whole process, and they had other nobles come greet them, and there was a crowd, because it wasn’t every day that the king of Cintra and his granddaughter, the granddaughter of Calanthe would come and visit. Eist had to talk to them in advance and let some people know what was happening just so that people would be welcoming and help make it so Ciri would continue to not be afraid of the water.
After a few years, Ciri jumps out of the boat before they can even dock, diving into the salty water and swimming on her own up to shore in an attempt to beat the boat, and when there’s only four of them there she constantly nags Lazlo to race. (She doesn’t ask Eist anymore, because the one time she beat him neither her nor Calanthe would let him live it down.) And when she gets to shore she whoops in victory or complains about losing, but it’s always something that brings up everyone’s mood.
Further inland, Ciri actually makes a few friends on the island, and of course they know she’s royalty, but she’s also just Eist’s grandkid, and Eist is the silly man with the raunchy songs, so they treat her just like another kid, and Ciri and Eist are both grateful to be around people who don’t hold them to ridiculous expectations. Mainlanders are all fussy and stuck up, and the people in Skellige are all ridiculous, and the first few times Ciri goes it takes her time to adjust to all the people making lewd jokes right in front of her, but suddenly she is able to just turn it on like a switch, even if she still has to be serious for her grandmother.
Eist shows Ciri to his old haunts, and he’s getting older now so he’s not quite as nimble, it takes him a few moments to climb up the tower that overlooks the whole island, and he and Ciri sit on it and watch the town, or they go to the pubs that don’t ask why someone so young is there (and maybe Eist bribes them) and Eist shows Ciri how to gamble, how to cheat at Gwent, and how to bluff. She really sucks at it at first, but it doesn’t take too many trips before she’s put in as the trade out for a couple of people there. And it takes hardly any more trips after that before she and Eist both get kicked out, laughing while they leave with their loot of money and whatever objects people have been willing to bid.
Ciri falls in love with the ocean and they visit it often, going swimming with Eist’s friends and their kids, and Ciri gets to enjoy being a kid, and they play at being sirens and their fathers all indulge them, pretending to be lulled by their beautiful singing (That really isn’t very good) and then acting surprised when they’re tackled into the water. It’s very fun for Eist to watch Ciri shriek with glee when he pretends to die, letting the water wash over him dramatically.
And Eist takes Ciri to caves and up and down streets, and they try different fish that they’d seen on the boat ride there, and they spend so much time in the sun and together, and they laugh and joke and play until Ciri is worn out, and when they make the trip home they let Lazlo pilot because he’s the first mate when the captain is down for a nap, and Eist sleeps sometimes as well, and the two attendants wonder how they got stuck with such a ridiculous family.
Eist is always awake by the time they get home, and he carries the sunburnt princess up to her bed, and Calanthe asks “Did you have fun?” and Eist says “We always do, my queen,” and the next day Ciri tells her grandmother all the details she can without spilling all of their secrets.
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stfreds-arc · 3 years
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HC | VIOLENCE .
TW : abuse, domestic abuse, ptsd.
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it doesn’t take much to figure out fred’s relationship with VIOLENCE is awful. most of it comes from the trauma of both jimmy and victor’s abuse — there are, however, TWO DIFFERENT TYPES OF VIOLENCE as perceived by fred. there is a kind she has processed, she has been born into and evolved side by side with her —— this is the one tied to her ENVIRONMENT, her upbringing, a slice of dirt in west texas where bruises are a language entirely separated from words. the second is the kind that has crept up to her, caught her off-guard: a single BLOW that sucked her in and never even gave her time to recoup. 
                       essentially, violence is differentiated between:
— PREMEDITATED / EXPECTED VIOLENCE : this is the kind she recognizes before it happens, the kind she can prepare for. it can range from bar fights brewing over pent up tension, it can even be as sudden as someone reaching a point of anger where they need to smash things, as long as it is anticipated by a shift in the air, a signal that alerts her of what’s to come. she tends to perceive this kind as a sort of IMPERSONAL violence, not aimed at truly damaging the other but serving other means ( establishing status in case of a bar fight, for example ). it’s the sort of violence she can mostly reason with. she doesn’t love it, it will still unsettle her and put her on edge, but because she can mostly see it coming, she can adapt herself to it and keep herself ( her PTSD too ) reeled in. this also means she can reason with the concept of KILLING and doesn’t really have a problem hanging out with people who have killed ( whether inadvertently or as part of criminal activity i.e. gang wars, etc, or simply for a job i.e. assassins ). she’s rather desensitized to the morality of it, and doesn’t really see it as an act of violence itself —— it’s either an ancient ritual or a job, either way it seldom has anything personal, the way she sees it. it’s important to also note that she tends to assign RESPONSIBILITY, in this kind of violence, to the PERPETRATOR —— although it is something she tends to not judge or blame, she recognizes it is a voluntary act and it comes with a will.
— SUDDEN / EXPLODING VIOLENCE is entirely different. this is the kind that springs UNPROVOKED ( or mostly so ) and whose sole purpose is hurting the other. examples may vary from one bar patron having an excessive reaction at another’s words and punching him out of the blue, to something as little as someone suddenly raising their voice at another. bar fights are a good example of this ( and something she’s inevitably subjected to almost on the daily ), but bar fights usually have an escalation process, they start as a disagreement and more or less slowly rise to a full blown fight. they do put her EXTREMELY on edge but she can catch herself before she loses her grip, and she can try her best to de-escalate the situation. it will ruin her night, turn her mood sour, prevent her from sleeping, but mostly she can handle it. what she CAN’T handle is BEING CAUGHT OFF GUARD, read: someone suddenly throwing a punch for no reason. someone losing their temper and suddenly smashing / throwing something. someone gripping another by the throat seemingly out of nowhere. her reactions can have VARYING DEGREES of intensity but they always latch onto her trauma and her PTSD, and this is the kind of violence that draws UNCONTROLLED responses from her. it is in fact her main trigger, and despite her constant repression of her trauma, it takes the shape of a TIDAL WAVE of sorts when she’s this triggered. there’s no reasonable line of thought behind it, no logic: her body tenses immediately, her focus is lost, and when the altercation is between two people in distinct positions of power ( i.e. when it’s clear that it’s person A attacking person B ) she tends to shift her attention to the perceived victim. RESPONSIBILITY, in this case, is paradoxically assigned to the VICTIM — as if they were somehow triggering or inspiring the violence, and in occasions she’s allowed to intervene she will shout, try to tell the victim to get out, rather than try and stop the perpetrator. it’s of course a simple MIRROR of her trauma and she tends to replay her relationship with jimmy and project it over similar scenes she encounters — sometimes even entirely misreading the situation, running up to someone in a craze while they’re simply having a disagreement with someone else. the consequences of witnessing acts like this will be mostly psychological, of course —— the impact they have lingers on for days, and the strength of the trigger can sometimes have a ripple effect on her relationship too, distancing her from people she can’t speak about it this with.
the exception to this classification is people she’s close with, whether they be the perpetrator or the victim. because being CLOSE to someone, for fred, means trusting them fully and letting her guard down. she can’t love someone ( be it romantically or platonically ) a little — she loves unreservedly, if it’s a REAL bond then she will let her guard down entirely. which means that when violence sneaks up on her, it will shock her balance to the core.
— if her loved one is the one CAUSING the violence, her fear will take the shape of blame and her blame will simply be put on them. she will find it hard to forgive it, seeing it as a personal attack even without her being the recipient of their violence. she’ll see it as a BETRAYAL of her trust, as if her letting them in meant PEACE was to be expected, and they betrayed this premise.
— if her loved one is the one RECEIVING the violence, fear will take over and, where in the very first moments she will keep herself busy with helping them / taking care of them as best as she can, right after her fear will be crippling. the thought of them being hurt will automatically translate to her LOSING them and she will be driven to cut all relations right off before more pain comes down the way —— as if the notion of them being vulnerable never even crossed her mind.
[ we’re only speaking about the "second” sort of violence here, the sudden kind. as far as the first goes, she can always more or less reason with it, even when it comes to killing. i mean — she did marry an assassin in a couple verses ].
either way, being in the presence of violence of any kind puts her terribly on edge, and even when she can reason with it and keep her reactions in check, it tends to affect the rest of her day and put a great amount of stress on her. it’s not unlikely to catch her nervously chain-smoking outside the bar after a bar fight, or holding her arms crossed and tight, keeping herself close to corners, fidgeting. not the ideal condition with someone so used to hanging out with known criminals, or ready to help whenever there’s wounds to be patched up or wounded people to be hidden. as long as the act itself is unseen, however, she can handle it.
it’s the second she witnesses it that things get rough. it replays old memories she’d rather forget. in a way, it reminds her of her inability to fight back and how small she still feels.
VIOLENCE as a display of power, basically, simply reminds her of her own powerlessness. 
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stfreds-arc · 3 years
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also a minor psa that i made a tiny change in fred’s docs and changed her current residence to the fictional town of ‘ ashford ’ instead of ash meadows bc ash meadows sounded like a place from barbie fairytopia and ashford sounds equally stupid but less humiliating so there u have it
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stfredsa · 3 years
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ok this is a night for realizing things but just. 
while it’s OBVIOUS that fred’s best relationships / loves throughout her verses are ( they kind of have to be ) the exact opposite of what her dynamic with jimmy was, it’s kind of really blatant on a structural level when you think about the fact that jimmy FED into her unhealthy habit of serving, annihilating herself for others, to the point where her giving her everything still wasn’t enough and there was simply no way to make him satisfied —— it was a fight she would lose over and over again, and yet she would keep giving away bits of herself until, by the end of it, she was barely a shadow of who she used to be. whereas the partners she has / has had throughout her verses ( the ships i’m mainly thinking abt rn are kalix/fred, tom/fred, vince/fred although tangentially it also involves moafred — but really this applies to every ship w fred one way or another ) who have truly loved her have easily recognized this as unhealthy behavior on her part and have either tried to counter-act her instinct ( providing for her when she couldn’t provide for herself ) or pushed her to care for herself a little better.
and it’s! blatant in a lot of ways but it becomes absurdly clear when it comes to FOOD —— this is a bigger headcanon i’m gonna have to write but basically fred’s refusal to cook / learn to cook all comes down to jimmy demanding food be cooked for him and when fred failed to deliver ( she simply did not have the patience or the skill ) he’d find a new excuse to lash out and rain hell over her, hence why she dreads cooking so much now. and yet the people who have loved her the most throughout her verses, and this has been discussed through actual headcanons, have made food an important element of their dynamic, either cooking for her or bringing her food or taking the time to teach her how to sustain herself in a way, and i —— had no idea food, of all things, could be such a fundamental symbol of fred’s rebirth through love but holy shit, it is.
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stfredsa · 3 years
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HEADCANON MEME   /   accepting.
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📂 📂 📂 <3
these are all relevant to our au / fred being in the uk —
—— SHE KEEPS SAYING IT’S POINTLESS TO DRIVE IN LONDON with so many public modes of transportation, but the truth is — sometime during her first month in the uk she almost crashed her car because she couldn’t figure out left side driving and, well — she’d rather not get her license revoked.
—— SHE HATES OASIS ( the band ). hates them at some unbelievable visceral level. they’ve been permanently banned from playing on the bar radio and whenever she sees any customer wearing a oasis shirt she simply refuses to serve them. she won’t explain why, she will simply get pissed.
—— SHE’S 100% SURE HER LANDLADY IS A SERIAL KILLER. she obviously has no evidence for this but it’s been a long standing quest to find proof of it —— one time gloria ( her landlady ) brought her a casserole and fred is still convinced it had human meat in it ( cat ate it, she refused to ).
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@perdefinitio​.
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stfredsa · 3 years
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𝐇𝐂 —— 𝐏𝐓𝐒𝐃 ( or: outside / inside scars ).
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TW : domestic abuse , domestic violence , choking , gaslighting , ptsd . what follows is a more or less thorough rundown of fred’s post-traumatic stress disorder. because it’s loaded with triggers, most of it is placed under a read more for everyone’s safety. it’s not a clinical description of ptsd, obviously, but it’s a deeper insight in fred’s character and inner monologue, for sure.
      “ every morning i wake up       from a dream of you holding me       —— underwater.       is it a dream       or a memory? ”
freddie still carries the signs of jimmy’s ( and not just his ) ABUSE — if anyone were ever allowed to see them, she’d smile apologetically and call them BATTLE SCARS. a mark inside her right forearm, from when he snuffed a cigarette out on her skin. a cut across the left side of her cleavage, when he was playing with a pocket knife once, and lost his patience on her. you could call her body a MAP of her suffering, though it doesn’t quite cut it — ‘suffering’ sounds like a passive action, the receiving of an act. the sad, darker truth is that, most times, she welcomed the abuse. it doesn’t matter how many scars or marks she still carries over her body — the scars he left in her mind go far, far deeper than them.
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one of jimmy’s preferred ways of physically assaulting her was by GRABBING her by the neck, most times also CHOKING her. because of this, freddie can’t stand pressure around her neck any more, in any way: she only wears wide-necked shirts, tank tops or open shirts, and can’t stand turtlenecks at all. she also loathes the feeling of scarves or necklaces around her neck, and will usually have a knee-jerk reaction to anyone touching her neck for any purpose. slaps or any kind of smack to the face also elicit a similar response from her, as it also mirrors one of jimmy’s behaviors.
in the very first years after leaving him, LOUD / SUDDEN noises would trigger her immensely. the first week in ashford was spent at peter’s place, on his couch, in a relatively safe neighborhood: the lack of noises made it so that every little creak of the house, every gast of wind would have her JUMP at any moment. for this reason, she decided to force herself into a shock therapy of sorts, and picked an apartment in the WORST, loudest neighborhood in town: as traumatic as the first few nights were, the constant stream of sounds and shouting somehow helped her ease back into a condition of relative quiet.
SILENCE, for the above mentioned reasons, makes her terribly uneasy. most times when she can’t sleep at night it’s for a lack of noises: those nights she’ll get anxious and the only way to calm down will be having a smoke on the fire escape, where the sounds are louder and the distraction of the city below eases her right back into her quiet chaos.
jimmy had a thing for saying she was WRONG. inadequate, weak, just plain stupid. she’d roll her eyes at that, she’d pretend it didn’t matter much more than any other bullshit that would usually leave his mouth — at some point, however, the words started piling up inside of her. and the longer it went on without her being able to get out of that relationship, the more she felt POWERLESS against him, the more she started believing him. and this ripples throughout her life, it has an effect on her even now: because no matter how hard she may struggle for a decent life, no matter the relationships and bonds she’s made to keep herself grounded — she still feels like an OUTSIDER. in her mind, everyone’s healthy, functional, strong: she — she is just plain WRONG.
he was successful in bringing her so low because he knew WHEN to strike, too. because when she tried to react and fight back, the first thing he’d do was call her CRAZY. he’d gaslight her, turn things around, confuse her out of her mind and then he would hold her, talking down to her, treating her like a mad, helpless child — “POOR BABY”, he’d often say, “WHERE WOULD YOU BE WITHOUT ME?”. even now, being called CRAZY or any inflection of it is a huge trigger for fred. though she tries hard to maintain her calm, even just the word makes her stop dead in her tracks, a sudden fury rising inside of her, tears in her eyes. when in a fight, it’s the one surefire way to make her lose her cool altogether.
saying the WRONG THING at the wrong time could trigger jimmy’s anger, so at some point she learned how to think hard about anything she’d say. it wouldn’t always work, but even now she usually takes about ten seconds before responding to anything, sometimes even more. unless involved in a friendly conversation with someone she’s truly close with, when asked a question freddie will usually go quiet, let her eyes drift downward, then reply in a quieter tone of voice. it’s a natural response she’s not at all aware of, and it’s usually dropped with people she’s truly CLOSE with ( people she can honestly trust ). she also tends to stall, when talking — use certain formulas that will allow her to gain some more time to think ( “i mean”, “uh, uhm”, “i think -”, etc ).
one consequence of her fear of acting / saying anything is her difficulty with CHOICES. when presented with a choice of any kind ( even something as menial as picking a restaurant or a song ), fred tends to get uneasy and embarrassed, and will try to find a way out of it any way she can.
on the other hand, decisions that require EMOTIONAL COMMITMENT ( which is to say, anything relating to relationships and feelings ) trigger her FIGHT or FLIGHT response, and she’s been known to act illogically in these scenarios. it’s never a matter of thinking clearly, it’s a matter of feeling SAFE or not. which, most of the time, doesn’t even have to do with the other party involved: most times, it’s her own FEAR kicking in and blocking her every action.
tying to that last part, her ILLOGICAL thinking is also aimed at herself. freddie is RECKLESS and doesn’t hold her own well being in much account: she drives too fast, forgets to lock the doors at night, walks home alone after closing the bar each night. it’s not a conscious DEATH WISH — it’s more that, despite the TERROR of jimmy or victor catching up to her, she both EXPECTS it to happen and thinks she DESERVES it, at least unconsciously. in a way, she believes this is a reckoning that awaits her further down the line, and she spontaneously works to shorten the wait. because despite the brave face she puts on every day, despite the way she’ll smile and say ‘ it’s all gone now ‘, she lives in CONSTANT terror: any chance to end it, even in the worst possible way, she’ll take it.
last but not least, fred is extremely self-conscious about her body, because her body is littered with the signs of what she went through ( in her mind, something she was an accomplice to — in her mind, something she DESERVED ). there are a handful of thin, faded CUTS ( the most visible on her collarbone, but many can be found on her thighs and her abdomen ) that were not self-inflicted but mostly came from sick games her customers at the motel forced on her ( a few of them, like the one on her collarbone, where caused by jimmy when he was high and deranged ). a few cigarette marks can be seen over her forearms too, and a jagged whiteish line on the side of her right calf where the glass of a vase cut her after he’d smashed it to the ground. her body in general, even not counting the scars, feels like a burial ground for the woman she could’ve been and the million ways she was used. though she’s fine exposing her skin through revealing / scant clothing, being naked and exposed is a raw, intense experience she’ll reject as long as she can: seeing herself naked still brings up a darkness she can barely rationalize.
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stfredsa · 3 years
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fred 100% got called pippi longstockings in middle / high school — red braids up until she turned 16, her clothes constantly screamed ‘ white country trash ‘ and as a kid especially she’d constantly be climbing on things so, yeah. it just wasn’t meant to be cute, the richer kids just thought she was ridiculous.
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stfreds-arc · 3 years
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also i don’t think i’ve ever written this anywhere but if you kiss fred’s neck there’s a 100% chance she’ll fall in love with you
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stfredsa · 3 years
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HC / DESIRES etc.
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TW : sex work / forced prostitution, abuse, general n.sfw themes .
although everyone and their mother knows about fred’s issues with INTIMACY / PHYSICAL CLOSENESS in a romantic sense, she is actually a VERY sexual person. not only because sex ( and flirting, seduction in general ) is one of the only languages she actually feels comfortable using for the comfort of CLOSENESS ( she desperately yearns to have someone close, but the commitment of it terrifies her: hence casual sex as a mean to gain WARMTH without holding the responsibility of it ), but also because her ENJOYMENT of it is still somewhat new : as if sex as FREDDIE DAWSON ( sought because of her own pleasure and on her own initiative ) was something entirely different from sex as FREDDIE GALLAGHER / DICKINSON ( imposed upon her / pleasure expected FROM her, very seldom given ). it means she’s also still discovering what she’s into and what she dislikes ( it also means she’s open to pretty much all forms of experimenting, as long as it isn’t outright DANGEROUS or crossing hard limits ).
first off, she’s not opposed to ROUGHNESS, in fact prefers it when things get a little nasty and there’s just a bit of bruises in the morning. it has to be ULTRA-CONSENSUAL, of course, but it’s fair to say she likes to PLAY ROUGH. she’s feisty, too — she couldn’t be qualified as just a “ sub ” because, as much as she likes to let her partners take control, she really dislikes being docile / lying back. freddie likes to “ leave a mark ” — be it biting or scratching, having sex with her is not a calm experience, by a long shot. 
( anyone who knows of her past might think she’d prefer her partners to be extremely delicate — that’s not her preference at all, as reclaiming her sexual activity has helped her gain at least a shade of STRENGTH back, and being made to feel like she’s “fragile” only ends up pissing her off. she VENTS a lot of her feelings through sex, and needs it to be somewhat cathartic to truly appreciate it. plus, surprisingly enough, sex with jimmy was SCARCE — he’d often enjoy saying she was ‘spoiled goods’ / ‘not worthy of being fucked’ and sleep with someone else instead. when he did, in fact, have sex with her, he seemed to only want to do it out of pity, out of an obligation of sorts — occasional partners who are this GENTLE with her just remind her of what he used to say, and it makes her angry to no end. of course, with deeply committed relationships, this can change, and SOFTNESS, paired with closeness / firmness, is something she can actually appreciate. soft emotional sex that’s intense more because of the feelings involved rather than her partner being actually delicate is ALWAYS encouraged ).
although she’s into SOME aspects of b.dsm ( being told what to do, or having someone control her movements ) there are some she wouldn’t touch with a ten feet pole, i.e. anything that has to do with corporal punishment, especially slaps / smacking, paddling, etc. even more, she absolutely LOATHES being restrained and will call out her safeword whenever a partner suggests binding her in any form. 
this will be part of a bigger headcanon too, but NAME CALLING is also absolutely a hard limit for her. PET NAMES, on the other hand, will absolutely make her come undone in a second.
she’s REALLY into giving oral. like, really. it might have a few psychological factors in it, how she only truly feels satisfied when pleasing people in any form, but it’s a kind of sexual act that she offers FREELY to her partners, never really has to be solicited ( and, truth be told, she’s quite spectacular at it ). on the other hand, she has barely ever received oral — and never to completion.
a good indicator of how much she’s enjoying herself is the noise she makes. she’s usually extremely QUIET, bites down her lips almost to the point of bleeding in order to not let out a sound ( in the beginning it was a way for her to never betray sexual pleasure when she was working at the motel — afterwards, beginning to work as a bartender and often entertaining quickies in the restrooms, it just became a necessity ). when she’s REALLY enjoying herself, however, freddie can be LOUD — there’s a specific threshold few people have ever passed where she loses herself completely and would probably need to be shut up ‘cause, like, really.
although choking is another hard limit ( read this for an explanation, warning : mentions of abuse / domestic abuse ), with partners she’s REALLY close to emotionally, a hand on her neck might just drive her over the edge — not pressing, not choking, just lying around her neck. sort of a reminder that they see her weaknesses, and they won’t take advantage of them — that she’s safe.
she’s BIG on foreplay and actually greatly enjoys everything leading up to the act itself, especially kissing / making out.
actually, she’s also a HUGE TEASE and enjoys making her partners uneasy / horny in public FAR too much. ( but she also enjoys being teased to death, so ).
with occasional partners, she tends to LEAVE or kick them out as soon as they’re both finished. occasionally she’ll allow someone to stay over for the night but then tends to still kick them out as soon as the sun rises, just so there is no misunderstanding. when it comes to people she actually has feelings for ( once she’s actually addressed and acknowledged this feelings, so it happens once every 122 years really ), she really enjoys cuddling / sleeping in / general morning shenanigans. again: make out sessions are really her favorite, especially in the morning.
she can get… creative with locations. big on beds, of course, but also cars, restrooms, the kitchen, the washing machine, an alley, honestly — take your pick. she doesn’t mind.
this is part of a larger set of hcs so i’ll only mention it in passing but if you have sex with her and she smiles often, laughs often, teases you and is playful more than anything? yeah, that means she’s head over heels.
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stfreds-arc · 3 years
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META : FRED VS. LOVE ( THE CARDIGANS — AND THEN YOU KISSED ME, I & II ).
————— ————— TW : abuse, domestic abuse, assault, ptsd.
the cardigans’ ‘ and then you kissed me ’ part I & II are such an accurate description of fred’s relationship with LOVE and how her  trauma shaped the way she reacts to relationships / feelings, especially these parts of part I :
love, you're news to me / you're a little bit more then I thought you'd be / a mow in my well fed lawn / you're a nightmare beating the dawn
perfectly encapsulates her relationship with jimmy ( how young / naive she was when she first met him; how she couldn’t recognize ‘possession’ as opposed to ‘love’; how she strived to have a perfect picket fence life but his bruises would constantly shatter the dream ) and how he ( and the trauma derived from him ) still affects her life ( ‘you’re a nightmare beating the dawn’: literally, as the nightmares are more often than not the reason she won’t go to sleep ).
and right afterwards, the next part of the lyrics is a perfect depiction of how she views love / how she reacts to relationships in general:
oh it hits me like never before / that love is a powerful force / yes it struck me that love is a sport / so I pushed you a little bit more
and later on:
and it hits me that love is a game / like in war no one can be blamed
fred is fundamentally TERRIFIED of loving anyone, the way it overthrows her defenses, the way it can control her fully: she’s not allowed a romantic view of love, most of the times, because ‘love’ ( or what she believed it to be ) betrayed her, turned into a WAR instead, a war she barely made out of alive. she pushes people: sometimes it’s for defense. sometimes it’s to test them. either way, it’s always a natural instinct.
this bit in particular, from part II:
it's a mystery how people behave / how we long for a life as a slave / when he kissed me I gladly gave in / to a fight nobody could win
it truly embodies how terrified fred is of love as ‘ownership’; how she gave up everything in order to be FREE again, how she’s terrified that anyone could take this from her —— and how weak she feels too, starved for affection, knowing full well she would let the enemy in again because she’s done so before.
and then part ii truly captures the harshest side of it all:
man, he left me blue / and if I could, I would do it too / i’ll tell you now like I told you before / love is a powerful force
the cruelest side of all her passion, the anger that won’t let go of her, and how it sometimes reflects on anyone that dares come too close to her. like a WOUNDED ANIMAL, she will snarl, she will bite —— love is powerful, love is cruel, and so she cannot be tame.
true love is cruel love / not much to be proud of / ass-kissing, mercy-missing faithless friend / all for a happy end
she does believe in happy endings — just not for herself, unless ending is dying and being free of this constant struggle, then. where she does understand that love exists, can be achieved, can grant true happiness to people, she is simply convinced her one chance was WASTED. and because of who she is, because of how she’s been ruined, because of the choices she’s made — HER OWN LOVE will not be happy, or wholesome: but cruel, wearing her out, eventually burying her.
in the end, i think the two songs perfectly represent two sides of the same coin that is fred and relationships: part i is her vulnerability, her softness, her weakness. part ii is her anger, her ferocity, her survival instinct.
in conclusion, there are two lines that best represent her, from both songs:
“ sweet love, tasty blood / my heart overfloods ” — part i: her eagerness for romance, how it drowns her.
“ slow dancing tight / my barren heart and i ” — part ii: how she protects herself / how dead and wounded she is.
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stfreds-arc · 3 years
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fred is usually a slob ( not in terms of hygiene, she’s far too clean on that front, but she’s chaotic / messy, her apartment looks like a war zone at any given time ) but she stress cleans like crazy and if you come by and find her apartment being pristine that’s the # 1 sign of her being in a rut.
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stfredsa · 3 years
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META   /   fred  +  music.
tw : death / parent death, domestic abuse.
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i’ve often mentioned how hard it is for me to pinpoint a specific music genre / artist fred prefers, and thinking more and more about this i’ve figured out it’s because it isn’t much about music per se, but more what it represents for her. she’s grown attached to certain genres because they represent specific moments in time, but more than that they represent people: and while she tries her best not to think about the people she left behind and how the loss of them is an ever-constant ache in her heart, music is a mostly irrational language, as it transcends rational thought and connects to feeling more than anything, which means it allows her to feel her grief and feel her connection to said people without startling herself. in general, music is the gateway to her feelings: because she struggles to process them rationally, music allows her to be more in touch with them without acknowledging them out loud ( we all know how much she struggles with acknowledging feelings ).
mostly, i think her musical landscape can be categorized according to the influence the people in her past have had on her:
—— ANGIE arguably had the most influence on her musical taste as she was the most constant presence throughout fred’s formative years, and her very first experiences with music happened thanks to angie’s old boombox, on which she’d listen to her sister’s cds either with her or after stealing them from her. the music she inherited from her includes mostly 90s music —— although angie preferred pop music ( she was a huge m.adonna fan and had a soft spot for boybands like take t.hat and b.ackstreet boys ), her boyfriend at the time would often leave records of a more grunge - rock nature around, and those were the ones fred would appreciate the most. they’d have dancing parties to s.pice girls and early b.ritney, and then fred would sneak in her sister’s room and grab as many cds with dark, black and white covers —— this is how she discovered p.earl jam, n.irvana, g.uns’n’roses, s.mashing pumpkins, h.ole, s.oundgarden and l.7. a.lanis m.orissette was an unlikely common point between her and angie, as she embodied both a rock spirit and a pop attitude ( j.agged little pill was the most played album in the summer of ‘95 ).
—— PETER, her grandfather, also heavily shaped fred’s preference for classic rock and blues. he was a woodstock child — he’d been 17 during the summer of love, and though he’d shed most of his ideals by the time fred was born, he would always reminisce about the concert with a special glimmer in his eyes fred would ever seldom see again. thanks to him, and the few vinyls he allowed her to look at, she learned to love j.imi hendrix and j.anis joplin, s.antana, c.cr, j.efferson airplane, the w.ho, n.eil young and the g.rateful dead. the woodstock album was one they’d listen to together, on the floor of the living room on his birthday every year. the rest of his collection was one he was hesitant on showing fred as, he feared, she was too young to listen to l.ed zeppelin or the s.tones, but, predictably, his hesitation only made her more curious. she began listening to those records in secret while he was out working on the fields and there was free access to his turntables. eventually she had a friend of angie’s record the same albums on cassettes for her, and some of those she still owns to this day.
—— PRISCILLA, her mother, has had perhaps the most “ secretive ” influence on fred’s music taste. the artists she ‘ inherited ’ from her mother are those it’s hardest to catch her listening to —— they carry feelings of grief and longing, and the experience of these musicians is inherently tied to the experience of losing her mother. priscilla had a preference for the songwriters, namely j.oni mitchell, j.oan b.aez, tim b.uckley, bob d.ylan, neil d.iamond, laura n.yro, and fred began listening to them the summer priscilla first got sick, perhaps in an effort to connect with a mother that was bed-ridden and forced away from her. 
—— BILLY, perhaps the influence that his most visible on the surface, and the most recent too — something she had to cling to during the darkest time of her life, when listening to music was an experience she was denied ( her husband would not tolerate it in their house and she was barely allowed to have a life that wasn’t within the walls of their house or the motel ). on her breaks at the motel billy would often let her hang around in his car, listening to his favorite records, and from him she took her love of q.ueens of the stone age above all but also a.udioslave, the s.trokes and bands more leaning towards metal like i.ron maiden , m.ötley crüe and m.etallica. of all these influences she carries, billy’s might be perhaps the only one she’s close to aware of —— she avoided listening to any of these artists in the first months after his death, but eventually found that listening to them helped her get in touch with her grief and her unresolved feelings for him. it still hurts, sometimes, but in a way that’s mostly reassuring: keeping him alive, or something close to it, by loving the same songs they loved together.
in a way, these four ‘ categories ’ are also connected to four different sides that characterize fred’s personality, as if all four of these people and the soundtrack they created forged an aspect of her:
angie’s ‘90s pop speaks to fred’s ‘ sexier ‘ femininity, her independence, and also her reckless way of loving, how demanding a partner she can be, how illogical and irrational and unapologetically emotional. priscilla’s mellow songwriters, so concealed and kept almost as a secret, mirrors her softest side, her gentler feminine nature, her vulnerability — all things she keeps thoroughly hiden. grandpa’s rock can be reflected in her adventurous, resourceful side: the refusal to give up in the face of struggle, her belonging to the dirtier, dustier corners of life / society. billy’s influence instead, despite being the music she’ll be most vocal about and claims to be her favorite kind, is the one that’s most in touch with her fear and the darker aspects of her personality, her damage, her misguided anger: the sides of her she’s most in touch with ( or rather, is controlled by ).
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