One Bad Gloop if it was translated like the Emerald Tablet:
Original text, now lost to history:
1) “One bad gloop, and she do what I yoinky
2) Two big splurgs and a big ass gloopy
3) Three more yoinks, then I buy me a smoothie
4) Poured up a gloop, that's a gloop and a splurgy”
From the Jabirian Corpus, of legendary islamic alchemist Jabir Ibn-Hayyan, 8th-9th century:
1) A single bad gloop! What I yoinky, done!
2) They number among this: Two teaming splurgs, and a donkey-drawn cart of gloopy
3) The yoinks number three, at which point, one must acquire for themselves a smoothie
4) Poured up a gloop, that is a gloop and a splurgy”
Notes: Earliest extant translation is notably corrupt.
Secondary Arabic translation by an unknown author. 9th century:
1) One gloop of malicious character, and what I yoinky is done of her
2) Attested are two great splurgs and a gloopy of great magnitude
3) Of yoinks, three! A smoothie follows shortly after.
4) Upon the pouring of a gloop comes another gloop, and a splurgy.
Notes: This version is as corrupt as the Jabirian corpus edition.
From the Book of the Composition of Alchemy, 12th century Latin:
1) One bad gloop, a yoinky be done
2) Two great splurgs, a gloopy of a strong mule
3) Three yoinks, a smoothie
4) A poured gloop, a gloop, a splurgy
Notes: This was the earliest translation into Latin. However, it was not widely circulated.
From Roger Bacon’s Secretum Secretorum, 1445:
1) One badde gloope, and what I yoinkie hath been done of her
2) Two greate splurgges, and the gloopie of a strong asse is produced
3) Add upon this three yoinks, and the purchase of a smoothie
4) From this is distilled a gloope, another gloope, and a splurgie
Notes: This translation was the most widely read in Europe for the time. This form was the basis for several centuries of translations.
From Giorgio Beato’s Aurelium Occultae, 1613:
1) Only a single gloop is required for them to yoinky
2) Whatever splurgs are needed, they are half that a mule's gloopy
3) Where yoinks number three, this will result in a smoothie
4) Also, a gloop, when added to the mixture, will be doubled, along with a splurgy
From Roscrucian mage William Kriegsmann, allegedly from Phonecian 1633:
1) I speak of a gloop, and all I yoinky shall be done
2) I speak of two great splurgs, and their gloopy most tenacious
3) I speak of three more yoinks, and smoothies
4) I speak of a gloop upon the chalice, for it is but a gloop and no more.
Notes: There was no phonecian. Kriegsmann was likely working from the Secretum Secretorum Latin.
From Sir Issac Newton, 1680:
1) Tis a single impure gloop, and from this a yoinky is born
2) Fore is added a grande gloopy, comes a pair of splurgges
3) Purchase of wane smoothie tis built, upon the three pillars of yoink
4) Ye gloop poured, tis but a gloop and a splurgy
Notes: Newton was an accomplished polyglot, his translation is based in one of the Arabic originals, though which is unclear.
From Rosicrucian mage Sigmund Bacstrom, allegedly from Chaldean, 1802
1) Tis from CHIRAM ONE of the GLOOPY
2) Of two SPLURGS and a great GLOOPY
3) Of three YOINKS and a SMOOTHIE
4) Upon the chalice, a GLOOP and a SPLURGY
Notes: Though many translations claim to be from a Chaldean original, this is unlikely to be true. The Bacstrom translation is notably corrupt.
From Madame Helena Blavatsky, unknown date, mid 19th century.
2) Two splurgs and a gloopy conjoin to form The One
3) All things are produced by conjunction of Splurgs and Gloopy
4) Poured up a gloop, a gloop and a splurgy are Complete.
Notes: It is not known why Blavatsky omitted the first line.
From Fulcanelli, translated from the Sieveking french, 18th century.
1) One malicious gloop, and what is yoinky shall be done by her.
2) By divine conjunction, two big splurgs produce gloopy most grand
3) Upon three additional yoinks, the ONE sires the smoothie
4) Here, a gloop and and a splurgy are poured upon the chalice
From Fulcanelli, revised translation, early 19th century
1) One bad gloop, and what is yoinky be done
2) Two big splurgs, to this, a big ass gloopy
3) Upon three yoinks a smoothie is sired
4) Upon pouring of the gloop, a splurgy and a gloop are produced
I had fun writing this. If you want my actual alchemy research you can find it here.
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