Well, here we are with the vent blog...
I have been considering for a very long time that “Do I really need a vent space?”
A micro-blog like Twitter won’t answer my need as whenever I vent, it tends to get “wordy” and really required people to have reading criticism (including myself) to understand my own point. Reading my old vent posts from several years before this very recent (back before 2020~) did give me a headache as it wasn’t simply “wordy” or being expressive but full of strong emotion and very unstable in representing themselves.
I think by writing “About” page for this blog already did the job in clearing up my galaxy brain space, but under this post, I will go more about myself and my recent interests in games and fictional stories/worldbuilding in general. This can get intense and personal.
Reader discretion is advised.
The first thing I wanna talk is about “appearance”.
As a creator, I have a considerable amount of original characters and fan-original characters..... with a concerned, questionable or problematic theme as a core design or backstory.
I have been building their developments, but mostly, the “extreme” ones won’t move away from their criminal point, they won’t expect people to understand, forgive or “make a pass” for them, but I would like to try pointing out the cause and reasons behind their action. Even some of them can be summarized as just “outright insane”.
.....Well one of them is a real psychopath. Only one. I’m trying to write about them and balance it with reality as much as possible but, hm, things can get exaggerated easily in something “anime”-ish, right?
Regardless, the inner me still can’t agree to get along with the stereotype. As I’m kinda a born-sociopath due to my Asperger trait, trying to see things in a point of view of a psychopath can stress me out, although, doing that is the best way to discover my creation’s way of expression in the most accurate way, along with a bunch of researches and absorbing media.
Then Haze, how is that affected about appearance?
......I’m sorry. It’s my habit to jumping from topics to another.
but - with all of that said, you probably guessed something. “Appearance doesn’t tell about each person’s story“ is what I was trying to go here.
All of my OCs are non-binary; some of them may still expresses or is aligned with the typical elements perceptible from binary system, but to them, who is just a mere “consciousness”; They’re NOT humans, genders become only a data and a way to express how they think or view them as. It may or may not affect their physical appearance as my OCs can materialize themselves in any way they want to, as long as they have a knowledge, memory, experience, or an access to data from any existing realities or universes.
Galactian Alignment system is a godsent to express all of that without borrowing the existing gendered words.
......except, in my country, the alignment system is something exotic or still very new to be introduced along with LGBTA+ ..... Orz
It’s a simple, all-time problem in the fictional-creative space on the internet, and how some of “keywords” becomes a slur.
I have this one Galaxian OC who is AMAB, still feels more lean to masculine but prefers to dress androgynously and likes wearing dresses or skirts because he likes the breezy, frilly-fluffy feeling from them as it brightens his mood.
In normie’s vision, he would be considered a “trap” (or “femboy” which is okay but hmm I don’t think that’s the right for my OC)
Even though he doesn’t have an intent to deceive people. So I give out a canon that he finds it silly and/or funny but he hopes he didn’t make anyone upset by his preference. My canon for his voice is also rather masculine and he often uses “ore” (俺) to refer to himself in a conversation between known people and “boku” (ボク) or “watashi” (私) when being in a formal conversation.
The second thing, “language” and how people uses it to express themselves.
I didn’t mention it in my About page but I’m technically a trilingual - English is my second and Japanese is third language I know and speak.
Although, I have been a shut-in few years even before the pandemic and due to how I’m a loner by nature so....... my pronunication is disastrous.
With that said, I do enjoy writing dialogues for my OCs in various language a lot, and comparing to how they sound in each of them, trying to adjust and make it vibes in the same way as much as possible.
As you may sense it from the Galaxian OC I introduced above, in English, he is going by he/they or they/he, he doesn’t have preference, just doesn’t feel feminine in nature enough to put “she” beside his preferred pronouns. He also appreciates women’s aesthetic and is both into “girly” and “manly” stuffs. His speech pattern is also somewhat in between casual/easygoing and formal/polite.
..........which is something I’m so awful at writing in English. I have studied Japanese in schools so forming a sentence naturally and for daily life isn’t my problem, but, somehow, it is very difficult to do it in English......... as comparing to Japanese, English barely has anything to distinguish the “casual” and “formal” comparing to Japanese.
Is the “formal” speech you’re referring the same thing as honorific language?
Yes, it is, but on a daily life-level. Not like a class/rank or senior/junior thing.
In general, you would want to keep some distance with the person you’ve met for the first time or still want to observe them before feeling comfortable enough to drop the courtesy or few bits of them. This is not the anime thing, but the actual way people would interact in real life, not just in Japanese as well.
I think my main problem is I haven’t experienced an actual socialization enough to make it sounds “natural” in English for my OCs....... Orz So far the OCs that has traits, personality or their way of expression close to me, I will have no problem in writing them, but those who I have fewer connections with is...... very difficult to write them and make them sounds “natural” while being a fictional character in a rather supernatural world setting.
......Another thing I wanna vent is rather NSFW or an R18 topic.
I’m not that obsessed with anatomy but I feel it’s more realistic to have it described in details about my OCs’ body in general.
That also applies to another character sheet, separated from their general appearance and clothing: aka. their muscles and their genitalia.
Some of them are intersex, “herm” or “futanari” alternatively. Some of them are essentially and literally “void” without any internal organs that mimics human anatomy, or only have a “placeholder” for the vital part as in the universe of my OCs’ origin, they still have a lingering will or determination that doesn’t let them disconnect from remaining “solid” even being inside a metaphysical space.
Ain’t you just gonna talk about your fetishes now?
Yes but actually no. Very big No.
What I mentioned above is just “behind the scene” or “conceptual info” kinda thing. In a final production, be it manga (if I have energy to draw all of them) or a novel with illusts that I have been dreaming to create and finish one, these info won’t be the main focus but mostly just “everyone is non-binary here and they’re trying to understand how themselves work as a being that mimics human” -- my concern is that “How would people perceive this?”.
I’m aware that this kind of world setting will able so many possibilities, which is also one of main reasons these OCs still haven’t seen the Sun of the internet world and I chunked a lot of time in self-discovery and studying how people perceives and expresses about Enby-ness in the present.
The next thing I have encountered is about sexualization.
..............yet, another of my main problem is that, I’m so fucking pan that I’m not just genderblind but I also view lewd arts as something “aesthetically beautiful in its own way”.
Now before you nyoom to either pressing a Close button or look up for something in any-whatever-way, I would like to clarify that; I’m not agreed to sexualize just anything. But if the creator wants to make it appeals that way, then it’s up to them.
I just thought “man, this is so cursed” when I think about the deeper lore of my OCs and trying to design them.
I would like to actually introduce them here with a picture but, that would destroy the purpose of this blog. Someday when I’m ready to introduce all of them at once and each of them’s beginning of their backstory until the lastest development of the current timeline.
I clearly draw a line of which OCs I’m okay for people to fantasizing with them, which OCs are “please ship them together” (which has only like few of them) and which OCs are “leave them alone/stays in ‘gray’ zone”.
Due to their nature as a being born to mimic humans, they tend to often across between that ‘gray’ zone.
Queerplatonic, platonic, amical, respectzones and friendzones, yeah, all of that.
Eventually this leads to this one thing; “selfcest”
And again, before you assume anything else, I know I did put “autosexual” alongside “aegosexual” for a reason.
I’m just so thankful to myself that I’m about to distinguish so many thing rationally, I won’t be able to list all of my discovery and self-realization here, but I tell you, this entire time after trying to look myself in the mirror, I have a feeling there’s always someone, a person, a being, an existence of something beyond our ideal plane, still stays behind us who is still stuck in a 3rd-dimensional plane.
They might not just be behind us, they might be ever far-fetched, so much ahead from us, but somehow, they stil feel an urge or a need to look back to us humankind.
That feeling is my main inspiration of my OCs.
In a nutshell, as a brief prologue of my OC universe without giving out any keywords of their names; it’s all started from “something” has come to exist and observing so, so many things from multiple universes and they have developed a consciousness, a thought, a will, a desire, a curiosity.
They started duplicating themself, but you probably guessed, it didn’t go well.
As they continued to observe and “experiment” with their “creations” and “byproducts” that come from their research; which is considered as an “intervention” against other universes, they caused so many ill-fortunes, their “creations” and “byproducts” are also in searching of a reason why they have been stuck in this “world”, the starter of this entire thing has come to realization; they want to see if there’s any “one” that is almost identical, a perfect mirrored one to them.
(spoiler: they never got to meet them. since they’re already that “one”)
I admit I haven’t read enough actual books and documents regarding existential philosophy and existential ethic but that’s where I am going. I can make a connection but I still really really need a proper reference so............. I can make a connection with my destined-to-be readers and with the real society as I know damn well not everyone can be so open-minded and can perceive things in the same way as I do.
At the end of day, I just want to say “I’m gay and my OCs are also gay as heck, and by ‘gay, I just spell ‘queer’ in a different way.”
I think as long as I’m still alive, as well as the humanity itself, these topics might be eventually brought up by me again, but probably in a different form than a long wordy post like this. Hopefully an actual “content”.
I’m sorry and thank you for any strangers who passed by and read along until this line.
End of the log.
And here is, Sinker ! /o/
Well, you already know that I’ve got a soft spot for Hardcase, but I also have something for Sinker. I think he is a really interesting character actually. As so, I’ve got many headcanons about him.
1. Even if he’s not the master to roll his eyes over the sky (Wolffe is the Galaxian Champion for that), he’s clearly a grumpy boy, king of the sarcastic lines. His full name is Sinker Sarcasm McGrumpy jr. XD
2. As Rex, Sinker suffered from a strong mutation making all his hair to be white (and not just hair like Rex, but also eyebrows, eyelashes and bodyhair).
3. He had a pretty rough youth. Shaak Ti prevented the Kaminoans to kill him but, as he was a deep failure for them, they tried to eliminate him otherwise by starving him, isolating him from his brothers, and being mean with him (they never attacked him physically but with words all the time). They also succeed to brainwash the clones to make them think that Sinker wasn’t the brother they should connect with.
4. Sinker was bullied by his brothers on Kamino because of his difference. Except from Wolffe and Boost, he was punched, kicked, pushed, insulted, denigrated by his comrades all the time and he had to stay strong and to work hard to be recognized as a legitimate soldier.
5. When Wolffe picked up clones to create the 104th battalion, he chose only the brothers who never went nasty with Sinker.
6. But the bad was already done and Sinker grew up into an asocial clone, mistrusting everybody but Wolffe and Boost and being harsh with all his kinds. He barely tolerates his other brothers, pushing them away when they enter his personal space and not paying attention to their well-being. He is a selfish loner.
7. For a very long time, Plo Koon couldn’t approach him neither. They had to run a mission together during which Sinker almost died in a lava crater for him to begin to trust the Jedi.
8. Even if is know well fed, Sinker still has narrower face features than his brothers because of the food deprivation he suffered when he was young.
NSFW headcanons… :D
a. Sinker is one of the few clones sexually active (Bly and Fox are the other ones).
b. He’s highly sexually active. As the teenager he is, he’s thinking about that all the time, hunting for “preys” when he has the time to.
c. He’s a bad lover. As the selfish guy he is, he only cares for his own pleasure, doing it rough and quick. Every girl is a one-night stand and he barely touches them actually.
d. He’s a bad lover but not an assh*le. A ‘no’ is ‘no’ and he will respect that. He won’t force a girl to have sex with him (never) even if she is the sexiest woman in the galaxy.
e. As he was convinced (because of the Kaminoans) for a very long time he was sterile – and as he doesn’t care much about himself – he never protected himself (don’t do that, kid!). As the lucky bastard he is, he never went sick… but he is the ‘happy’ (and unaware) father of many child.
f. Sinker is the kind of guy who only make girls. :D
g. The number of his daughters is unidentified, but they all shared the same common feature: white hair.
h. … And there is more to come but it will be for another post. :D
This batch of portraits was supposed to help me to upgrade my skill in doing human portait (I always struggle to put the ear at the right place). Well, I’ve got to work on more. ^^;
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