#Fun fact: I was gonna voice one of the only androgynous characters on the show; haha!

[transsexualhamlet]

Trans Headcanons

Ok I’m going to make a giant post about this because it’s one of the few things I can actually address, as a trans person. Obviously I cannot speak as to the opinions and experiences of all trans people, but I’m just gonna give you my take.

So obviously in fandom lots of people like to headcanon characters as trans, and in general I think that’s a fantastic thing as well we’re not exactly swimming in representation. But what comes with cis people tryin to write trans characters is that... things get... problematic. Quick.

Headcanoning male characters as ftm

I am this variety of trans so I get excited when people headcanon ftm but I’m almost always completely disappointed.

First off I need to address the “people” who headcanon male characters as trans ftm for that Spicy Fetishization. This is generally, I’d say... more than half of trans headcanons I come across in fics at least, and in this context is used solely for sexual purposes which is disgusting so stop.

Of course it’s ok to write trans people having sex, because well, trans people have sex, but cis people don’t realize that dysphoria plays a huge part into what people are comfortable with. So just a fun fact I feel like it should be obvious trans guys aren’t gonna want to have sex like they’re a straight female, and trans guys are not all bottoms.

I would also like to address when headcanoning a male presenting character as ftm is good or bad rep completely without the sexual element because cis people seem to have a fundamental misunderstanding of Trans Vibes. I’m gonna use mostly ons examples so hang on tight.

Problematic, bad characters to headcanon as trans- 

-Yoichi

-Mika

-Shinya

I see an egregious amout of these, and the pattern for this is somehow, cis girls see a feminine boy and think that they’re a good person to think is trans. No. This is the opposite. These three characters in ons are some of the more feminine guys, and therefore come off as gay, in a cis male way. Trans guys generally do not act like that, and although there are plenty of feminine trans guys, they do not behave like that. 

Addressing the problems with people saying Mika is trans- People don’t understand dysphoria. He has always been very feminine, and in the case that he was trans that would just. Not work. You could look at that boy and be asking what gender even is he if you didn’t know, and generally trans guys aren’t for that. 

With Yoichi it’s even more ridiculous. He’s one of the worst characters I could think of to view this way, as this pushes the most UwU Soft Boi fujoshi shit onto him. If y’all aren’t aware the fetishising girls really invalidate trans folks by assuming they’re all basically the stereotype of Yoichi- small, awkward, shy, complete pushovers, and just. Nah. Same really goes for Shinya, because though he’s more confident he’s very cis gay guy and making him trans pushes the same “make the more feminine person in a gay relationship trans”. Stop it.

If you had to headcanon someone as ftm in ons I’d say some of your best options would be probably

-Kimizuki.

-Yu (though there are many conditions because he’s a victim of a lot of the fujos in fanfic with this.)

I’m trying to think of more but to be honest, that’s your best bet. If you want to go with someone else, Guren might be ok, it would just be harder to explain.

Kimizuki is the best one out of all of them to be headcanoned as trans because he breaks the problematic stereotypes, and if you think about it would make much more sense than the characters ppl usually say are trans.

He is a character who’s fairly obsessed with presenting masculinity and trying to be the strong one in the group, which is a very trans guy thing to do, and it would be the easiest to explain without going through hoops like characters that have a lot of backstory would. He doesn’t look or act feminine at all, but he has more feminine skills like cooking, and he feels ashamed of those aspects of himself even though he shouldn’t. Those are the kind of things that make someone go “that would be nice rep”. Also his hair is dyed pink, like what cis person does that?

With Yu, I see many more people in fanfic try to use the trans thing for him, and out of the context of shipping I think that’s perfectly fine. He is a very relatable character for ftm gremlins like myself and it’s reasonable to say that, although there would need to be a few adjustments for taking into consideration at one point he would have presented as female, probably during his time in sanguinem. That doesn’t really present any problems if you just adjust accordingly. Guren would be cool with “hey dad i’m a guy” and I think that would be pretty epic. But when taken into the context of, well, mikayuu shipping.

To be frank, most of the trans!yuu fics that exist are straight up just for fujos to go “hey look at this gay bottom he’s trans so he’s basically a girl and watch him act like a girl during sex” stop it. Stop it please. 

On trans girls

obviously, I am not a trans girl, and I know like. one trans girl. total. So I don’t have as much insight on this as trans ftm but some of this stuff is just common sense.

First I need to address the obvious, the phenomenon that is apparently such a thing in anime and manga for no good reason. The “this character who has a female voice actor, dresses and acts completely like a girl but is stated as male for some fucking reason” is just... hhhhhhhhhh. I think the only reason these exist is some weird japan fetish but I’m not fond of it. Headcanoning these characters as trans girls is in fact completely fine and I’d encourage it, unless them being male is actually somehow an integral part of the plot.

In the case of Asuramaru, I’d say absolutely go ahead. It makes even more sense with this character because Asura used to go by a different name and dressed much more masculine back in Ye Olde Greek Dayes but now has this demon glow up with a much more feminine look, a literal dress, a crown, hair down to their ass- that’s honestly the most valid thing you could say. 

In the case of characters presented as female in canon, it’s much more difficult than trans guys because of how girls are presented in anime and manga. And by that I mean,,, hyper sexualized and misogynistic. 

In this case I’d always say ask someone trans before jumping to conclusions. Also be wary of the “this is a masculine girl, she must be trans” because well. Again, masculine trans girls are valid but that can’t be your only reasoning PLEASE. I’ve seen trans Mito before in a fic, and tbh that’s ok, but only if you know what you’re doing with it. It can be explained pretty well with her, since she used to present as hyper feminine and pretty comphet with the guren thing, but she’s calmed down in vampire reign and I think if that has to do with her starting her transition at like 16, that’s totally fine. But that has to be handled with care, and be aware that she’s like. The most masculine girl in the series. She doesn’t wear a skirt like literally every other girl in the show, she uses physical force and her fists to fight instead of a weapon or magic, and she’s extremely headstrong. Although it would be fine if she was trans, those aspects of herself are not what would make her so, since even though it would be epic those things could cause dysphoria.

On nonbinary headcanons

These are significantly less problematic than a lot of other types, since they’re generally made by people who know what the hell they’re talking about. And there’s really no parameters for nonbinary people, so if you see someone who gives off No Gender Vibes go ahead and sprinkle in some they/them!! They don’t even have to look androgynous, though if you see a strictly single gender presenting character and want them to be enby prepare to have some explanations. Good examples of this would be

-near from death note, that gremlin wears nothing but pajamas and proceeds to grow hair down to his ass as an adult, plus the austistic coded bit... we don’t have a concept of gender tbh

-practically any demon from ons but raimeiki or gekkouin, they all just have the best vibes

-Shikama Doji, you think that bitch knows what a gender is??? Got lost in the wings pal

Just be aware of the differences needed between thinking “this person is presented as __ canonly and that is in fact their sex just not their gender” or “this person is trans fem or trans masc but isn’t strictly male or female” because those are different.

Bottom line? Ask a trans person, and don’t write a trans person just for their body.

#owari no seraph #trans #idk what to tag this tbh I don't talk about this stuff all the time #trans ftm #trans headcanons #death note #kind of

[murasaki-murasame]

Thoughts on Fruits Basket 2019 Episode 12: “You Look Like You’re Having Fun”

My brain’s still kinda fried from the Sarazanmai finale, so my thoughts might not be super coherent or detailed this week, but I still wanna write up my thoughts on this new Fruits Basket episode, especially since it was even better than I expected it to be.

Thoughts under the cut. [Spoiler warning for the whole manga]

I think I’ve said before that by this point we’re in the midst of a fairly good stretch of episodes where the reboot is going to be very similar to the 2001 anime in what material it covers in each episode, and that continues in this one, as I figured.

This episode covers chapters 19 and 20 of the manga, which is the same as what episode 13 of the 2001 anime covered, and from what I remember of that version, the two versions are pretty identical in how they just adapt the manga 1:1, so there’s nothing particularly noteworthy there. I think episode 13 of the 2001 anime was one of the relatively few times where I think they actually did a good job of preserving the emotional depth and darkness of the manga, but I still think this episode did an even better job.

I’m kinda meh about the whole first half [since I’ve never really been the biggest fan of the part of the manga to begin with, which I’ll get into in a minute], but the whole second half with Akito was fantastic. It had been heavily teased at in some of the PVs we’ve gotten, but it still managed to be even more disturbing than I was expecting. It’s not like they added in anything that wasn’t in the manga [aside from a short flashback to that one time Akito had a mental breakdown and painted Yuki’s room black, which I don’t think had been hinted at this early in the manga], but it just executed the material really perfectly. [Though I think the bit at the start of the episode with Tohru seeing Akito’s car pull up at the school might have been a new scene]

The improved voice acting and animation really help drive home the extent of Yuki’s trauma in particular. Even though this is like the billionth time I’ve seen this scene in some form or another, it still kinda shook me, lol.

This whole part also really goes to show how important Tohru is as a person to Yuki, and also to all the other zodiac members in general. She’s someone that’s willing to stand up for him, and to give him happy memories to help outweigh his bad ones. Especially with his whole monologue near the end, I think the badminton scene is probably where he first becomes at least subconsciously aware of how he’s seeking out a mother’s love from her.

Come to think of it, it’s kinda funny how recently we’ve been in a bit of a pattern of going from a fun episode to a more dark one, and so on. It’s not a complaint or anything. I think it does a nice job of not spending too much time in a row on a particular emotional tone. And that sorta pattern should hold up with how the next episode is gonna be Ayame’s introduction, and after that we should get Momiji’s backstory and the grave visit.

And on the note of Ayame’s intro being the focus of the next episode, I’m still curious to see if they incorporate the part where Tohru and Yuki visit his shop in chapter 36 into it, or if they’ll just stick to adapting chapters 21-22 alone, and leave that other chapter for later. I don’t think it’d change much one way or another, but still.

Anyway I guess I gotta address the elephant in the room and say that I’m just not really a big fan of the material covered in the first half of this episode. I don’t hate it, but I just don’t like it as much as like 99% of the fandom seems to.

For one thing, that one Tohru-Kyo scene has always stuck out to me as being a little too . . . generic shojo romance-y for my tastes. It’s one of those few moments where the series unironically indulges in Kyo’s Bad Boy Aesthetic [tm] and it just doesn’t work for me. But I obviously get why lots of people love it.

The part that I’m more annoyed at is the whole sequence with Haru and Momiji’s outfits, and I feel like it’s something that I need to add a whole list of disclaimers to so that people don’t misunderstand me, lol. I just feel like it’s a really good example of how Takaya’s heart is genuinely in the right place when it comes to some of the more progressive sentiments in the series, but the specific angle she approaches certain things at leaves a really bad taste in my mouth, especially when you think about the story as a whole and how things end up.

Specifically I just have issues with how Momiji’s cross-dressing is handled. The part with Haru is fine and I definitely appreciate the whole point of how whether or not someone wears jewelry and piercings and stuff has no inherent bearing on their personality, though the whole bit with him dragging Makoto off to the bathroom, uh . . . maybe hasn’t aged well, lmao. But anyway, I feel like the whole thing with Momiji seems perfectly fine on the surface, but the more you think about it in the context of the whole story, the more it feels uncomfortable.

The message that he should wear whatever he feels comfortable wearing is completely valid, but I just dislike how the story goes about it by saying that ‘it’s fine because he looks good in it, and he’s going to dress normally when he grows up anyway’. There’s a lot going on between the lines here, but I just think it’s really shitty and deceptively regressive that they justify it by pretty much saying ‘don’t worry, it’s just a phase, he’ll grow out of it and dress like a “normal man” later on anyway’. Which is bad enough on it’s own, but then we actually get to see him grow up later in the manga and he definitely does seem to unceremoniously switch to more conventionally masculine fashion because . . . it’s what’s expected of him, I guess? It’s not like he ever seemed to lose interest in wearing feminine clothing, he just stops wearing it after he hits his growth spurt, and it’s framed as something natural and inevitable.

Even the sentiment of ‘he looks good in it, though :)’, in the context of the series as a whole, carries this uncomfortable undertone of ‘it’s fine because for the moment he’s short and looks sort of “like a girl” but once he gets taller and looks more “like a man” he’ll obviously start dressing like one’. It’s the sort of thing that seems like a genuinely progressive and accepting message about how we shouldn’t judge people for the clothes they like to wear, but if you look closely there’s an asterisk and a whole paragraph of fine text at the bottom of the page about how it’s actually only acceptable to cross-dress as a man if your body type, height, etc, make you look ‘like a girl’ in the first place, and that once you hit puberty you should dress like a man because feminine clothing ‘doesn’t fit you anymore’.

In general this series has some weird recurring hang-ups about the specific idea of ‘men wearing girl’s clothing’, to the point where it comes up in different ways with at least three different characters. I know it’s something that a lot of people in the fandom don’t like hearing negativity and complaints about, but I’m not gonna shut up about this, lmao. Y’all just have to deal with the fact that this series isn’t perfect and that I’m allowed to criticize it while also really liking other parts of it.

And on the general note of how the series kinda drops the ball when it comes to pretty much everything to do with gender presentation, this episode brings us another round of the fun game known as ‘the Fruits Basket fandom is in shocked-pikachu.jpg mode at the fact that pretty much every new fan immediately “““figures out”““ that Akito’s a woman’. I wonder what gave it away? Was it that unavoidably female voice? The feminine/androgynous character design that’s explicitly compared to Yuki who’s already meant to look like a girl [apparently]? The fact that we’ve only ever seen Akito wearing either the sort of kimono that at least from a Western perspective would seem very feminine, or this tight-fitting turtleneck sweater? The fact that she’s had romantically/sexually charged moments with at least one or two dudes, which for better or worse ends up making most people view her as being feminine? The fact that like 90% of the dialogue referencing Akito ends up not even using gendered pronouns in the first place? I wonder what could have possibly lead to people naturally assuming that Akito’s a girl and glossing over the, like, five lines of dialogue thus far that even use he/him pronouns toward her, lmao.

One way or another, Akito being a girl has always been the biggest non-twist of the entire series, and the fact that it’s so obvious and that the only reaction new fans have to it is pretty much just ‘oh ok I didn’t really think it was meant to be some kind of shocking surprise or anything’ really just spells out how it’s not even meaningful or interesting as a twist anyway, and that knowing about it from the start does absolutely nothing to hinder anyone’s enjoyment of the series. It’s honestly hard to even tell for new fans that we’re even meant to feel convinced that Akito’s a man, with how little effort the series ever puts into ‘hiding’ her true gender.

I probably sound angrier about this than I am, but mostly I’m just baffled that even though the manga’s been over for like 15 years, people still don’t realize how incredibly lame and shallow this whole plot point is. Like seriously, y’all, what could the reboot have even DONE to actually lead to it not being super obvious that Akito’s a woman? Unless they outright changed her character design to be a lot more masculine, the only thing they could have done would have been to give her a male voice actor, which was almost certainly never going to happen for obvious reasons. I guess what I’m saying is that it’s not like it’s the reboot’s fault that things turned out this way. There’s only so much they reasonably could have done. And even though I haven’t heard much of Akito’s new dub voice, I think Maaya Sakamoto actually does a very good job at sounding androgynous/masculine, and in general her voice work in this episode was really effective and disturbing. I think she’s one of the most masculine-sounding female VAs they could have gone for [aside from maybe someone like Romi Park or Megumi Ogata, but I don’t know if they would have fit Akito very well]. I guess it mostly just bugs me that people are blaming the reboot for something that’s 90% just them following the manga.

Anyway, in spite of my gripes [which are more about the fandom and the series as a whole], this episode was still super good in and of itself, and had some of the most effective voice acting and music that the entire reboot’s had thus far. It’s very obvious why new fans in particular would really really like this one, and for the most part, I do too.

Also, Haru t-posing when he sees Yuki and running over to tug on his shirt is still the most Iconic [tm] thing ever, don’t @ me.

#murasaki rambles #fruits basket #y'all ready for PAIN? for EMOTIONAL ABUSE and TRAUMA? cause that's what this episode is about :)

[beautiful-liu]

Chapter 22 - Remember me - Kryber

Title: Remember me

Pairing: Kryber [Amber Liu x Krystal Jung] Fandom: f(x) Genre: Drama, romance

Summary: The bad ass androgynous girl Amber Josephine Liu with a sex, drugs and rock-‘n-roll attitude whom everybody seemed to fear and admire at the same time, with the flash of a smug smile on her handsome face, and a sigaret or lolly pop in her mouth, depending on her mood. A leather jacket always hugging her shoulders, ripped jeans and a loose tank top that displayed just a tiny bit of her sports bra when she lifted her tattoo-filled arms. Everyone was weak for Amber Liu. Krystal simply didn’t see it. Until that one night she accidentally met her, and met a whole other person than the stories she had been made to believe. Word count: 5900 Rating: T A/N: Excuse the grammar mistakes. This is my first time writing a multi chaptered fic. Hope y'all enjoy the progress!

Read it on: AO3 & asianfanfics

Moodboard: x

For the following days, Krystal's smile couldn't be whiped off of her face. Now that she had finally made up her mind and set up a new goal to achieve, she felt a lot less restless. In fact, she almost felt happy. Of course, they were gonna go through a rough time, since she and Amber had to convince her father to still give her the company, despite the fact that she didn't want to marry Kai. And on top of that, she also had to break up with the man she had been together for years. Both men were defenitely not going to like it. But Krystal has been opressed by men all of her life and she was done with the endless rules for women to maintain made up by boring, old, wealthy, white men in power. She wanted to live her life like she wanted to. As CEO with Amber by her side. That's what she wanted and that was what she was going to achieve. When she had returned home, late that evening, Kai had waited for her. Krystal had hoped he would've gone to bed already, but it had been in vain. Even though it was almost one o'clock, Kai was still up. "I thought you were sick," he muttered, when Krystal closed the door. When she took off her coat and hung it up, she realized with a shock that she still wore Amber's R2-D2 sweater. Quickly she crossed her arms in front of her chest to hide the funny Star Wars character, hoping Kai wouldn't notice. He wasn't such a film junkie, so if she was lucky, he didn't even know R2-D2 was part of Star Wars. But would he recognize it as a sweater that wasn't hers? It didn't exactly fit in her wardrobe... "I was, but I felt better, so I went for a walk.." she mutterd. Kai raised one of his eyebrows. "A walk that lasts more than 5 hours? Kind of much, don't you think, after being sick for two days?" he asked. Krystal pressed her lips together and took her time to answer. "Well, I rested in between, you know... took a seat in the café nearby," she muttered. "I just needed some time alone." "Some time away from me?" he asked immediately, whilst turning his face towards the TV again. Krystal's eyes shot open. "N-no, of course not," she tried to say as casually as possible. She chuckled awkwardly. "I know you, Krystal Jung. If you don't want to be around anyone, you come home. The only reason why you would flight from our apartment is because of me." Krystal fell silent. Kai looked up at her and smiled weakly. She couldn't smile back, just stare. "And I think I know why," he said, as he stood up. Kai walked towards her and Krystal was suddenly aware how much taller he was than her. She had always thought of his height as attractive, but with only the TV to light the room, it made him look creepy. A chill ran down her spine. "Two days ago, you know, when we were... you, know, having sex. You really, really don't have to feel guilty that it didn't work. I had a great time, I always have a great time with you, no matter what," he said. Krystal opened her mouth to object — because he was thinking in such a wrong direction — but prevented herself from saying anything. Maybe it was better to just let him talk and live in a delusion than to break it to him now that he was probably the last person she wanted to have sex with. "You really don't have to feel guilty, Krystal. You're not broken and it's not weird. I have read about it online, you know, there are a lot of women who have diffeculty with.. you know, getting turned on." Krystal closed her mouth again and sighed. "I know I am not broken..." she said softly. She knew she wasn't and that she had no problem getting aroused either. Kai simply wasn't the right person. Krystal had always had that habit of only wanting sexual activity with a person she was in love with; she couldn't just jump on any man or woman just because she felt like having sex. And even though she trusted Kai, she couldn't get herself to think of him sexually. She had to be in love or it simply didn't work. And Amber made her feel everything she ever wanted to feel, whilst Kai was only just safe. He was home. His smell, his arms around her, his low voice. He was everything that made her feel safe. But Krystal didn't want to feel safe. She wanted those butterflies in her stomach and her heart pumping adrenaline through her body. She wanted her heart to make extra hours and her mind dazed, not being able to concentrate on anything when the other is so close. She felt like that around Amber, even though they hadn't seen each other for such a long time. Perhaps true love never dies. "-so never think any less of yourself. You please me enough not to want anyone else." Krystal jerked her head up, realizing that she had missed more than half of the speech Kai had been giving her. Supressing a sour expression, she nodded and showed a weak smile. Oh, if only you wanted someone else too... In the following weeks, Krystal led a secretive life, switching from her role as CEO to the accommodating, quiet fiancée to the adventurous lover. Her days consisted of going to work, seeing Amber at lunch — either because she brought her home made sandwiches or took her out for lunch if Krystal's scedule wasn't packed, which if often was — and quickly after work, going home to Kai, get dinner and quickly get to bed. Sometimes she made an excuse that she had a late meeting, so that she could see Amber. Her father often had ones too and it wasn't uncommon for a new business partner to only be available at moments which were either early in the morning or after normal working hours. Jung Internationals was trying to scedule Song Software to join them, but it was hard since the CEO was a stately woman with a straight back, an emotionless beautiful face and deep, dark eyes that looked like every single emotion had been sucked out of them. Krystal had been trained in keeping her emotions under control but this Victoria took it to a whole new level. She was a hard nut to crack and she tried to get everything out of the deal. But Krystal wouldn't be herself if she wouldn't try the same. So the two women kept battling. Kai was aware of the trouble with recruiting Song Software, so he never asked a single thing when she returned around midnight, tired out. And she didn't even need to lie. All the meetings with Victoria Song happened in the afternoon, so whatever happened at the meeting, she told Kai after she returned from her "meeting". On weekends, Krystal was forced to spend more time with her fiancée. And sometimes that just consisted of them going out for dinner or meeting up with his parents. That wasn't so bad. During the dinners she almost forgot that she was supposed to dump him soon. She remembered why she had agreed upon dating him in the first place. Kai wasn't the worst person to be around, and he still was her best friend. They had a lot of fun together. But as soon as the laughter died out, her heart started to yearn for Amber again. More often than not, she told Kai that she would meet up for Jessica for a girls' day out — and Kai being the typical man that he is, wouldn't dare to join them — whilst in fact she went to Amber. Krystal was stuck in a string of lies that kept going on and on and she knew she would have to stop sooner rather than later because the concequences would be even uglier if she was caught lying instead of admitting it. "So, who're shall I tell first? Dad or Kai?" Amber rose her eyebrows. "So you're gonna tell them?" she asked. Krystal pressed her body tighter to Amber's. The long lounge sofa had become their favorite spot to cuddle, especially on rainy, late Sunday afternoons. With the pillows from Amber's bed and a few blankets, they were nice and cozy at all times while they talked through things. "I think it's for the best. Better do it sooner rather than later, right?" Amber looked down to her and nodded, smiling approvingly. "Are you nervous?" she asked. Krystal let a long sigh escape from her lips. "Tell me something... Every time I try to make up a good conversation starter to break the ice, I panic and feel like throwing up," she muttered. Amber wrapped her arms around her body and pulled her closer, so Krystal could lay her head upon her shoulder. "You're overthinking again." "I am not." "Oh you definitely are. I never make up conversation starters in my head when I approach people. I just do it and don't think," Amber said proudly. The brunette rolled her eyes. "Yeah, okay, but maybe it's handy to have like a strategy here because my father isn't some kind of random person who is charmed by my looks. He is going to want valid arguments, but I literally have none." "You are in love," Amber said, with a short shrug. "Yeah, that's exactly the reason dad wouldn't want to hear. He always told me that emotions cloud judgement and that love makes one weaker when it comes to getting the job done. A CEO should be completely focused on their job, bla-bla-bla, all that crap. Being in love would just mean that I have to get over my feelings and do what's right for the company and the family." Amber thought for a moment. "Then wouldn't it be wise to first secure your position as CEO, so that you don't have to get permission from your father anymore and just take over Jung Internationals?" Krystal let out a sound that was best described as a mix of a snicker and a sigh. "I'm getting Jung Internationals, my official title as CEO, as a wedding gift. And well, I am not going to marry Kai. That's the whole problem. So, who do you think I should approach first? Dad or Kai?" Amber sighed and rubbed with her fingers in her eyes. Krystal understood the feeling, she herself was getting a headache too. "Shall we just toss a coin? I mean, it’s gonna suck either way." Krystal chuckled and nodded. “I suppose you’re right. It’s gonna suck” She had chosen Kai. Eventually, they had both agreed to tell Kai first, since the wedding was coming up rather soon and she needed to blow it off before anything bad could happen. They already lost lots of money to the preparations, but Krystal couldn’t care less. Money was one of the things that mattered the least at the moment. Krystal had also chosen him first because she reckoned he would be the one who would take the news the best. Perhaps his mind would settle now too, since he finally had an answer to Krystal’s absentmindedness over last couple of weeks. Not to mention her overall unwillingness to be intimate with him. But telling Kai, her best friend for the past four years, was still tricky. He was bad in controlling his temper and Krystal knew for sure that there was going to be a fight. Nevertheless, she knew he’d never hurt her. He loved her too much for that. That didn’t take away her anxiousness though, she was still scared to death for his reaction. Krystal had never been able to take screaming people very well. They let a week pass, so they could prepare. “Do I need to go with you inside?” Amber asked her, when she dropped her off at her apartment building. Krystal smiled, kissed her cheek and shook her head. “This is something I really need to do alone, but I appreciate the offer.” “Then shall I wait for you here outside? If something goes wrong then you can-“ Krystal chuckled softly and shook her head again. “It’s going to be okay, I’m going to be fine. Go home, I’ll call you when he has settled down, okay?” Amber simply sighed dramatically and nodded. They kissed a final time before Krystal got out of Amber’s car and walked back home. Once she stood in the elevator, she didn’t feel that calm anymore. Her belly was tickling of nervousness and it made her sick to her stomach. Knowing that she would break Kai’s heart in a matter of minutes was hard to wrap your head around. In a few moments she would lose her best friend… But her mind was clear; the decision made; she would do it, no matter what. Finally, it was time to make her own happiness a priority. Krystal was painfully aware of her body and all the small movements it made. As soon as the doors of the elevator opened, she walked towards her own front door, aware of her own weight pressuring the floor beneath her. Slowly, she took out her keys, sought the right one, turned the lock and entered her apartment. As expected, Kai was waiting for her. Previously, they had decided to grab dinner with the two of them again. Not something fancy, just take out. Since Krystal's busy life as a cheater, she hadn't been able to spend much time with Kai anymore. She was either at work or as much as she could without making it look suspicious with Amber. He had also noticed that and had proposed a simple get together, just some pizza and a movie. It was a bit strange because Kai normally didn't eat fatty food, nor did she, and he wasn't a movie-person. Yet she had told him she would clear some time off of her scedule, mainly because she wanted this Saturday evening to be the night she would tell him. The pizza was still steaming hot. She had probably just missed the courier. Kai was already scrolling through their Netflix account that both of them barely used, looking for a movie he wouldn't end up watching either way. When she entered the apartment, he looked up, smiling brightly. Her fiancée got up from the couch and walked over to her to place a kiss on her cheek. With a weak smile she received it. "You already ordered?" she asked as she peeked over his shoulder to the two carton boxes on their coffee table. Kai shrugged. "I reckoned it'd arrive when you would, so we could eat immediately. I ordered your favorite, with paprikas and champignons." Krystal smiled at him and nodded. "Let me just change into something more comfertable," she said, as she signed towards the dress she was wearing. He laughed softly and nodded. "Don't make it too long, the pizza will grow cold." Krystal quickly hopped into their bedroom to take off her dress. Quickly she changed into her jogging pants and a loose t-shirt. It didn't happen often that Krystal Jung was found in her comfertable clothes. If she wasn't wearing her formal clothes, she still wore a blouse and tight jeans. Jogging pants were almost always out of question. She returned towards the living room. The smell of pizza made her belly growl, but she told herself that she probably wouldn't be eating pizza tonight. Kai's eyebrows shot up in surprise when he saw her. Krystal's eyes shifted to the TV. "I thought we could maybe start a show together. I'm not much of a rom-com kind of person but I know you like these things so..." Kai said when he saw her look. The screen showed a show called 'You Me Her'. Krystal pressed her lips tightly upon each other. "Kai... I can't," she muttered. Kai looked up. "Do you not like this show? We can always watch something else or-" "No. It's not the movie. Or the pizza. Or you. I simply can't." Kai frowned confusedly. "You can't do what?" "Be with you," she forced out of her mouth. Her voice had turned hoarse now that she had to set more volume to it. The words felt like knives in her throat, scarring up her insides on their way out. Kai chuckled nervously. "Krystal, what do you mean?" She sighed and ran with her hand through her hair. With a heavy heart, she sat down next to him on the couch. She took his hands into hers. "I.. I need to tell you something... And I have been wanting to tell you this for quite a while. And I know you will be angry when you hear what I want to tell you." Kai took his hands back and stared at her in disbelief. "What is it, Krystal?" he demanded. She took a deep breath, pointed her eyes at the ground and bit down on her lip hard. Kai asked again but she barely heard it. "I have been having an affair." There was a silence. She didn't dare to look up to him, afraid for the expression on his face. Krystal fixated her gaze on a certain spot on the floor. "With who?" it eventually sounded. Kai seemed way too calm to be okay and it scared her for what was about to come. Krystal bit down on her lip. "Amber Liu." This time, the silence endured longer than the one before. Much longer. A minute, maybe two passed before he said anything. "The party..." he only muttered. "You have been... since the party?" Krystal formed fists with her hand when she nodded. Suddenly, Kai stood up from the couch and walked away. Krystal's head jerked up. She saw how Kai had walked towards the kitchen counter. He placed his hands upon the edge, his head hung low. She could see his muscles underneath his blouse tighten every time he breathed shakily. Krystal wanted to get up to reassure him, to help him, to comfort him, but before she could, Kai looked back to her. His gaze burned right through her façade to her soul. His eyes had darkened dangerously and when Krystal returned his look, she could feel all of his anger vibrating off of him. With his hair down, casting a shadow over his face, he looked more like a devil than ever. He formed fists with his hands. Krystal widened her eyes startled. Even though he didn’t say anything, she hadn’t seen him so angry ever before. “Tell me this is a lie, Krystal,” he hissed, his voice low and dangerous. Krystal was completely dumb-found. “I-I..” she stuttered. She had a hard job to control the growing bubble of panic in her belly. With every heartbeat it seemed to get worse. “TELL ME IT’S A LIE!” Kai bellowed. Tears started to leak out of her eyes. “I can’t..” she sniffled. Her fiancée stared at her with a strange expression, as if he couldn’t believe his eyes. Krystal looked away and pulled her legs up on the couch. “I love her, Kai.. I always have and I thought I had gotten over her but-“ “You thought,” Kai spat towards her, as if the words tasted like poison on her tongue. Krystal cringed at his tone. “You thought you had fallen out of love. You thought it’d be a good idea to date me instead. You thought you wouldn’t fall in love again but you did,”he growled. “Is that what you thought, Krystal?” She nodded, tears streaming over her face. Yes.. yes she had indeed thought all of that. She had wanted it to be true, it’d be so much easier if her feelings for Kai were just true.. But they weren’t. Kai huffed. His fist connected with the fridge, making a hollow sound fill the room. He didn’t even flinch at the pain. “How could you do that to me? Don’t you know I’d do everything for you?” he screamed at her. “I love you!” Krystal sniffled and tried to wipe her tears away. New ones simply replaced the old ones. “I can’t control my own heart, Kai,” she tried, but Kai shook his head. “No, loving someone is not something you cannot influence. You could’ve just stopped seeing her! You could’ve cut her off and done what’s best for yourself, for us!” “But I can’t… I have done that all of my life, Kai,” she sobbed desperately. “I can’t do that anymore or I’d kill myself. I can’t live like that anymore. I need someone-“ “YOU HAVE ME!” “But that’s not enough! I need Amber, Kai. I need her otherwise I won’t survive.” They were both breathing hard and fast, staring at each other in utter helplessness. “So now you’re telling me you want to be with her instead? That low-classed, rude, scruffy-looking, filthy lesb-“ “Don’t call her that,” Krystal warned. She was surprised by the sureness in her voice. Even though her eyes were still wet and her body was still shaking, her mind was clear and she wouldn’t want Kai to ever speak of Amber like that. But he just laughed. He laughed at her. “And why the hell not? Is she not the fucking lesbian that stole my fiancée? She did something to you, right? Did she touch you? She fucking touched you, did she not? Nowadays everyone is a damned lesbian and now they stole you too. If I ever see her again-“ “The only one who touched me against my will was you, Kai!” Krystal screamed back. This seemed to take him back a bit. He stared at her, with wide eyes. For a moment, a silence settled between them, that was only broken by Krystal’s panting. “Take that back,” he eventually demanded. “Take that back, Krystal. I always asked you, you always wanted to.” Krystal showed him a weak smile. “I never wanted to.” Kai’s face went blank. “And you do want to with her?” he asked. Krystal nodded and sighed. She wiped the tears off of her face and she ran with her hand through her hair. Krystal bit down hard on her lip. “I’m out.” Kai had already turned around when Krystal’s head shot up. He walked over to the door, grabbed his coat and his shoes, putting them on swiftly. “No, Kai, wait-“ “There is no need, Krystal. I know when I’m not wanted,” he barked at her, before closing the front door with a bang behind him. Krystal flinched at the sound. With a sigh, she let herself fall back onto the couch and curled herself up in a small ball; she was still shaking. The smell of pizza had worn off and so had the hunger in her belly. Instead an empty feeling washed over her. Almost an hour later, she remembered that she had promised to call Amber after the fight was over. By now, her tears had dried up and the hungry feeling had returned. She had eaten a few slices, after warming the pizza up again – it had grown cold in the meantime. She typed in Amber’s number, since she knew it by heart, and pressed the phone against her ear. The device rang a few times, before it got picked up. “Hey..” Amber muttered, at the other side of the line. Her voice was hoarse. “Hey, the fight’s over. Ah well, it ended a while ago, I just forgot to call,” she said. Amber made a ‘hmm’-sound. “How did it go?” “It sucked. Kai left and he won’t pick up his phone, though. I don’t know where he is.” “He probably… need to cool down a bit..” Amber replied. “I suppose so. Don’t all men need to? Either way, shall I come over? I’m really in need for a hug right now.” “Ehm, I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Krystal frowned. “What? Why not?” Amber let a nervous chuckle escape her mouth. “You know, I’m working and such. It’s better if you’re not there. I’d get embarrassed, you know-“ she quickly said. “No, I can just wait? Prepare us a meal? Watch a movie? I won’t bother you,” she said. Amber cleared her throat. Her voice turned normal again, but it still seemed like it hurt her to talk. “Really, Krystal, believe me, it’s better if-“ “I’m coming over right now, bye!” Krystal said, before ending the call abruptly. She took her coat and shoes – didn’t even bother to change – and walked out of the apartment. Krystal immediately raced off in her car. It took her only ten minutes to get from her apartment to Amber's, even though it was a 20 minute drive. When she had called her, Amber's voice had sounded so unsettling, as if she wanted to hide something. Krystal couldn't help herself to immediately think that there was something wrong. Perhaps she was back with Luna and that was why she didn't want her to come over. When people cheated, didn't they usually use the lie of having to work, whilst they in reality spent time with their lover? Krystal herself had done that too. It wouldn't even surprise her. Luna was the ultimate girlfriend. She was caring and bubbly, lovable and had a spicy edge. She dared to open her mouth and didn't have diffecult family to deal with. She was Amber's collegue so they spent a lot of time together, especially when Amber was working on new songs for Luna's album. She was pretty and well-known with a good sum of money to her name. Luna was the perfect girlfriend. Krystal parked her car swiftly in front of Amber's apartment building. Her heart was racing in her chest. Even though she was burning to find out what was wrong with Amber, she was also very afraid. Maybe... maybe it indeed was Luna. Would she even want to know if it was Luna? She broke up with Kai, there was nothing to go back to now. If Amber was having an affair with Luna too, then she had sacrificed everything for nothing. The elevator ride seemed to last forever. Once the doors opened, Krystal almost ran outside. She just had enough dignity left to keep it on walking fastly. The door to Amber's apartment was closed, which was unusual. Whenever Amber was home, she let the front door open for her. Awkwardly, she rang the bell. Krystal wrapped her arms around her body while she was waiting. Her teeth caught her lower lip between them. Eventually, the door slowly opened.. Krystal looked up, for a moment unable to breathe. Krystal placed her hand in front of her mouth that had fallen open. "What happened to your face...?!" she breathed in horror. Amber groaned and let her into the apartment. She couldn't stop looking at her face, still with a horrid expression on her face. "Dear God..." Amber's face looked terrible. Her right eye had turned sickly purple. The whole skin around it was swollen, causing her right eye to be almost swollen shut. Her lip was bloody and the wound was still open. There was dried up blood underneath her nose. "I told you not to come..." Amber muttered, as she rubbed the back of her head. Krystal slowly let her hand fall. "Well obviously it was the right choice. Who the heck did this to you?" she demanded. Amber let herself fall on her couch and groaned of pain when she buried her face in the pillows. She murmured something which Krystal couldn't understand, but it sounded a lot like... "Kai?" "Yes... Your fiancée..." Amber muttered, as she looked up from the pillows. Krystal sat down next to her and helped her to sit up right. She growned; obviously her whole body hurted. "Did you know he took lessons in karate? Because I found out as soon as he started," Amber murmered bitterly. Krystal bit her lip. "I knew he took lessons as a kid but I didn't know he was this good... oh Amber, I'm so sorry... I didn't know he'd do somehing like that," Krystal said softly. It took a lot of power and skills to overpower Amber Josephine Liu. Krystal knew all about her past and she knew Amber had some skills in street fighting. Kai must've either taken by surprise or really, really hit her hard. Even though Amber knew how to fight, she was still a woman and women had less muscles than men. Especially because Kai almost daily worked out in the gym and took extra supplies to build muscle mass. Amber sighed. "It's not your fault." Krystal lifted her hand to lightly touch Amber's eye. At first, the other woman tried to turn away, but seemed to realize that Krystal wouldn't hurt her and let her touch the sore spot. Nevertheless, she gritted her teeth when Krystal let the tip of her finger trail over the sensitive skin. "It is... I should have never let him get out of the apartment," she muttered. Amber shook her head. "He needed something to distract him, someone to blame for what has happened. I suppose I could've seen this coming. Gotta admit I still don't like it that he messed up my face though," Amber sighed. "Could you perhaps get me some of that bruise paste I have in my bathroom. I used to have a blue eye ninety percent of the time in college so I kept the tube." "Y-yes of course!" Krystal immediately blurted out. She ran towards the bathroom and sought for the tube. It took her a few minutes but eventually she returned. She put some on her finger and started to apply it on Amber's face. She groaned softly, but the longer Krystal went on, the more her moans turned into sighs. The paste relieved some of the pain, it was probably numbing. "You should go after him, you know, talk things through... so my other eye won't turn out blue as well," Amber said. Krystal sighed and nodded. "It didn't turn out as smooth as I thought it would... he got very angry," she sighed. Tiredness suddenly washed over her and she finally felt how much energy the fight had drained from her. Amber's gaze softened and she pulled Krystal in a hug. "Can't I stay here for tonight? I don't want to go home.." Amber planted a kiss on her head and nodded. "You can stay as long as you like." Krystal sighed and nodded. She let her head rest against Amber's shoulder and let her be hugged. Later that evening, when Krystal had already fallen asleep on the couch a couple of times, Amber carried her to bed. Woken up by the sudden change of room, she let Amber tuck her in. She couldn't help to watch her when she undressed. Amber – being under the impression that she was already asleep again – didn't notice her gaze wandering over her body when she took off her shirt. Seeing the fresh bruises on her ribcase as well, Krystal bit her lip hard. With every move she made, Amber seemed to groan of pain. She wondered how she ever could've carried her to the bedroom... Amber put on another shirt, but the bruises seemed to almost light up underneath the fabric now that Krystal had seen them and knew they were there. The fact that Amber hadn't showed them to her when she was treating her with the bruise paste made her realize that Amber was probably a bit ashamed that she hadn't been able to stop Kai when he had leaped at her. It saddened her that she tried to keep that hidden from her. That's why she turned around to face her as soon as Amber got in the bed. The other girl shuddered. "You startled me! I thought you were sleeping already," Amber exclaimed. Her face immediately turned guilty, knowing all too well that she had been caught. Krystal nudged closer to her and let her fingers trail towards the edge of her shirt, slowly lifting it up. "Can I see?" she asked softly. Amber sighed and nodded. Krystal prepped herself up on one elbow and lifted Amber's shirt with the other. When she exposed the bruises again, she couldn't help but sigh. "I didn't want to concern you.." Amber muttered. Krystal turned her eyes away from the bruises and into her eyes. She smiled weakly. "Could you please don't lie to me... after all that has happened, eight years ago, I can't-" "I'm sorry," Amber immediately said. Krystal nodded, her smile slowly faltering. The other girl took her closer, pressing a kiss on her lips. And suddenly, a great need of wanting to kiss her washed over her when their lips collided for a second. Amber had just pecked her lips, but Krystal came back wanting more. She kissed Amber softly and she immediately got the hint. Kissing her like that felt like kissing clouds; her lips so soft; her scent clouding her mind. Krystal was careful enough not to place her hands anywhere near her hips in case of hurting her, but kept them cupped around her cheek. Amber kissed her back lovingly. There was nothing sexual to the kiss because they knew that tonight would be very inconvenient. They didn't want to turn tonight about sex. They just wanted each other and each other's love. That's what they wanted and that's what they got. The kiss made Krystal feel like the world was right at her feet. And when they broke up and snuggled against each other, Krystal spooned Amber. Usually, she was the little spoon, mostly because she was tinier than Amber and she was the less progressive one. But now that Amber was hurting, she wanted to give her the same feeling Amber always gave her when they slept together: the feeling of secureness in the other's arms. So, as soft as she could, Krystal placed her arm around her body. With a sigh, she placed her head on the pillow. Her eyes fell shut immediately. But there was still a single thought left clouding her mind, keeping her from falling asleep immediately. "Amber... I love you," she muttered. She felt Amber stir for a moment. "I should've said that eight years ago and I was stupid that I waited too long. I want you to know now. If something happens in the days to follow, then you at least know." Amber let out a little chuckle. "I love you too, Krystal. Don't ever forget that."

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