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#Fallout Cookbook
clit-a-cola · 13 days
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It is with much excitement I say: Nan-ni shimasho-ka?
This shit SLAPS it's very filling and supremely flavorful and delicious!!! Excited to make it again some day cause god DAMN is it a treat. I bet it tastes better with actual duck tho ;o;
Notes:
As I said before my mom and dad don't do duck so, since I was feeding the family, I had to use chicken instead. Still delicious and tbh garlic, ginger, and salt on pan seared chicken may be my new fave way to prepare chicken. Hope I can actually do the true to recipe duck someday soon tho
Accidentally used a whole onion instead of half. Think it gave it a bit more bite than intended but tried to balance out with more chicken broth. I think it's a testament to the recipe that it still came out good despite this mistake! Still curious to see what it tastes like when I do it right next time lol
Supremely lucky that we were able to find udon noodles and mirin where I live <3
Cutting the carrots lengthwise was new, but I think it's a better way to cut them and I didn't cut myself doing it so!!!!!
Got that freshly ground apothecary ass coriander as well
Took about 3 hours from prep to finish. Need to remember this so I'm not eating dinner at 9pm next time
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fogerist · 1 year
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Alright it’s been a while but I did test out a new recipe and it came out ✨dElIcIoSo✨
The Shady Sands’s Special
A very popular dish served in restaurants/bars of Shady Sands and in nearby settlements, this dish encompasses the very essence of post-nuclear Southern California cuisine: hearty, flavorful, and resourceful.
Taking cultural inspiration from various Latinx dishes from Pre-war culture, the Shady Sands’s Special contains cubed Radscorpion Tail Meat (porkloin), seasoned with salt, pepper, garlic, and paprika and then seared. Once browned, the chunks of Radscorpion are removed and in the same pot, onions, garlic, cabbage are sautéed in the caramelized Radscorpion juices. Once the onions/garlic are cooked, Brahmin stock (beef stock), more salt, Muttfruit Cider Vinegar (Apple Cider Vinegar), and onion powder are added simmered until the flavors all meld together.
Usually served with a bowl of rice and a beer, this dish can vary in certain ingredients too, depending on the establishment that serves it (some add chunks of corn, differ in meat options: iguana, Brahmin, Gecko, etc., and/or even add cactus chunks).
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nukacoola · 6 months
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Kind of bad pic quality but I made Blamco Mac and Cheese from the Fallout Cookbook!! Recipe is below the cut :)
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Also here’s all the meals in the book. If anyone wants a recipe msg me and I’ll send u a pic! :)
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ishcakes · 8 months
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What are we cooking up, vault dwellers?
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kon-konk · 3 months
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I don't know if I've mentioned it, but I fuckin love cookbooks. Especially themed or weird ones
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bugwat3r · 2 years
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A sunset sarsaparilla would fix everything rn
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surveillance-0011 · 13 days
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I have never played a fallout game in my life but I need to make the Nuka Cola recipes rn.
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pauldelancey · 1 month
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BBQ Meatloaf
American Entree ­ BBQ MEATLOAF ­ INGREDIENTS ­ 3 garlic cloves 1 small onion ½ cup barbecue sauce (¼ cup more later) 2 pounds ground beef, ground pork, or combination ½ cup bread crumbs 1 tablespoon Dijon mustard or yellow mustard 2 eggs ½ teaspoon onion powder 1 teaspoon pepper ½ tablespoon salt 2 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce no-stick spray y¼ cup barbecue sauce 2 tablespoons fresh…
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the-pink-hacker · 3 months
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Gonna make some Nuka-Cola Quantum!
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erraticalart · 6 months
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Saw Fortress II
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Well, is this what you've been waiting for?
So, as some of you may or may not know, Saw is getting a new movie, Saw X, in two days and I'm so excited for it to come out! I decided to pay tribute to this movie by making a crossover between Saw and, of course, Team Fortress 2. I've been getting interested and invested in the Saw franchise, from its story to the characters and especially the creative but deadly traps. Took me about 22 days to create as I had classes and needed to take breaks every once in a while, but I finally finished it and presented it to my brother as a birthday gift (as well as an official Fallout cookbook).
Now, for the fans of both Saw and TF2, I'll explain the reason why I chose the characters and their designated roles. It's time to play a game.
Character Comparison and Roles
Warning: Spoilers for the Saw franchise
RED Engineer: John Kramer aka Jigsaw - Well it's pretty much obvious why. They're both engineers. They both are talented in creating many different unique contraptions that are beneficial, but deadly and dangerous. Engie also has his morals, although it's way different from John's. Let's not forget that Engie can be somewhat a little sadistic and loves seeing his enemies go down, although John hates sadistic people despite the irony in his traps. Also, are we gonna ignore his Gunslinger taunt kill and his sinister, evil laugh? I'm not sure if Engie should have the Gunslinger with him, but I think it would be pretty cool to have it on him. Maybe in this version when he attempts to commit suicide and fails, but all he's left is a completely maimed hand, he cuts it off entirely and replaces it. It would be a pretty cool backstory as to why he has it and would make a really cool reveal to show to the audience. I wonder what Engie sounds like saying the iconic line "Game Over"?
BLU Medic: Dr. Lawrence Gordon - It's also pretty obvious why. He's a doctor. (Can you guess the reference?) Dr. Gordon is my favorite character in the series, and I love seeing the change and progress in his character from a doctor and trap victim in the first Saw film to John's favorable accomplice and in his words, "My greatest asset" in Saw 3D/Saw: The Final Chapter/ Saw VII (Yeah, I can't believe that movie has multiple names). In a way, it makes sense to have Medic as Dr. Gordon because just like how it was shown at the end of Saw VII that he and John worked great together, Medic and Engie are also seen working together in Expiration Date as lab partners. They both would work great as an amazing sadistic duo. Also, I think it's kind of cute to have Engie give Medic a prosthetic foot after he too cuts it off entirely. Not only would it make sense because Engie knows a thing or two about prosthetics, but it would show that Medic and Engie both have something in common: cut off what's unnecessary to help with your survival. Medic would also try to justify and reason Engie's actions. Also, I love Dr. Gordon's "Game Over" line, it's soooooo good!!! It's my personal favorite (Of course nothing beats John's iconic classic version). I could totally imagine how great Medic would sound saying that line!
BLU Spy: Detective Lieutenant Mark Hoffman - Ok, this is where things start to get a little interesting. Hoffman became John's accomplice after replicating his ideas and making his own traps that John never made himself. In a way, he's becoming Jigsaw. Just like how Spy can become and replicate any class, Hoffman also became more mysterious and secretive to his fellow colleagues and tried to frame Special Agent Peter Strahm as Jigsaw. In the end, when he gets caught, he goes against everyone and executes them, so the secret never comes out. Also, another reason why Spy is Hoffman and please tell me if I'm not the only one here who thought this when watching Saw: Did anyone else get Hoffman and Strahm mixed up because they almost look like the same person and it's always confusing when there's a scene that focuses on one of them but it's actually the other? I decided to have two Spies in the story with the BLU Spy as Hoffman and the RED Spy as Strahm since they look the same minus the color.
Miss Pauling: Amanda Young - You're probably thinking, "Why her? Is it because she just so happens to be female and I just filled her in that role?" Well yes, but actually no. It's because Amanda was very loyal to John, looking up to him, defending him constantly, and was very close to him. Miss Pauling fits that role when it comes to the Administrator, but here she's loyal to Engie. I feel like she likes Engie the most out of any other class, so she would definitely help him out as well as get advice from him. She also can get shit done when being asked to accomplish a task. Sadly, we know what's to come for Amanda. Just like how in the comics Miss Pauling fails to bring the Australium, Amanda fails in John's tasks as he reveals to her that she's part of another game. I do feel like Miss Pauling was stuck playing around in the Administrator's game and it was also implied that every year the Administrator sends people to assassinate her to see if she succeeds as if it's an employee review. So, yeah, Miss Pauling and Amanda both are stuck in pretty tight situations.
RED Pyro: Billy the Puppet - Ah, yes, who could we ever forget? The main icon of the series. Both Pyro and Billy have terrifying appearances that'll leave you quivering on sleepless nights. I used to fear Billy as a kid, but now I see him as endearing and strangely, but freakishly, adorable. Pyro is freaky-looking, but he's such an adorable bundle of flames. I could definitely imagine seeing Pyro riding on Billy's iconic tricycle. That would be so funny, cute, and scary. As for Pyro's voice, since Billy is voiced by John (and Hoffman, I think? Idk), I'm not sure if Engie (or Spy) should voice Pyro since Pyro speaks in muffles. Maybe they should, idk. I also don't know if Pyro should speak in mumbles from time to time or whether he should have the ability to move and just walk around or just remain seated. And, of course, I don't know if Pyro should do his iconic laugh (maybe sometimes, idk). What I do know however is that Pyro should definitely have the iconic Billy laugh.
RED Balloonicorn/The Combustible Cutie Cosmetic (Yeah, I know it's pink, but it's the RED team's version which is why it's pink): Pighead Mask - Oink! Or in this case, Neigh! The mask that John and his accomplices dress up as with the iconic robe (though I'm not sure if this robe should remain red and black or pink and black, maybe the first option should be for Engie since he's the leader while the accomplices get the latter, or not, maybe they should match Engie, idk). At first, I chose Balloonicorn since it's related to Pyro and I know he'll love seeing everyone dress up as one, but then I remembered that there's a cosmetic for Pyro as a mask called "The Combustible Cutie" that resembles Balloonicorn, and boy does that mask look freaking scary!!! It's really fitting for both Saw and TF2 as a whole! It's pretty funny and scary to imagine getting kidnapped by a herd of pink unicorns all because you've been very naughty.
I hope fans of Saw and Team Fortress 2 enjoy this lovely piece of fanart as this has become one of my all-time favorites to create. I was also listening to the Saw soundtrack specifically the Zepp/Main Saw Themes. My favorite being, of course, "Hello Zepp". It fits Engie and John's character theme even though it's Zepp's (although you can argue that it IS John's since it's his perspective since he's saying hello, which I agree). But my actual favorite is "Zepp Overture" because to me it sounds like a holy church. I especially like the way the string instruments sound. Yeah, I know you can argue that Dr. Gordon has a theme at the end of Saw VII called "Dr. Gordon Montage" and "The Final Zepp" but to me, I think this theme fits Medic the best because, y'know, he replicates that sound by playing an actual saw when you taunt which is both funny and adorable. And it really fits his character to be seen as a holier-than-thou and especially a God. This might also fit Spy, but idk. I'm not sure which themes work for Spy and Miss Pauling or even Pyro (if you want Pyro and Engie to share the same theme, then that's fine by me). I might need to go back and listen to all of them depending on the movies that Hoffman and Amanda appear in. Maybe some of you can suggest one. But anyway, please go listen to the Saw soundtrack, especially the Zepp/Main Saw Themes, it's soooooo good!!! I might as well argue that it's one of, if not, THE best horror themes out there!!!
Here's a link to listen to it while you look at the art or whether you are interested in the Saw series and its music:
youtube
Welp, like I said before, I hope you fans enjoy it!!! I just can't' wait for Saw X to come out soon on September 29!!! I just hope and pray the movie is good though. Well, let's just wait and see. But until then,
GAME OVER!
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robotsgay · 2 months
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Giving tarot readings but my tarot is fallout themed and no one knows what the fuck anything means cause they dont like fallout
At least my cookbook comes to good use cause no one cares if it tastes good
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clit-a-cola · 6 months
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Radstag Stew and Nuka-Cola!
This one's dedicated to random stranger @rummythos!
Despite a LOT of hassle and changes I had to accommodate for, I'm glad I finally got to make these recipes and am very happy with my results! Notes below for anyone curious!
Gum Drops
you may notice they're not pictured here
that's cause they fucking MELTED in the fridge
while the melted goo did taste v good, it unfortunately was not gum drop shaped
the recipe called for 3 tablespoons of gelatin, which I did slightly under due to the gelatin packets I was using being juuuuuuussst under a tablespoon each
I used 3 gelatin packets and so, in my next attempt, I think I will up it to 5
made the kitchen smell really goo(d) tho
hopefully will try to make again this month
Nuka-Cola
Thought I had browning sauce but didn't so I ended up having to make my own
Luckily browning sauce is apparently just brown sugar and water so it was very easy to make
However it did result in a lighter color
The taste probably is a bit different as well
That said the home made browning sauce gave it a lightly smokey taste. Think slightly burnt marshmallow over a bonfire.
I think this was perfectly complimentary to the vanilla flavor of the rest of the syrup
Tastes like a cane sugar vanilla cola for those interested in trying it
I've made this recipe a couple times a couple different ways, definitely the most tweekable recipe, thought that might be because I drink a lot of soda myself and have my preferential tastes
Radstag Stew
Actually a goat curry
The recipe I most had to change due to familial accommodations and familial Tossing Out Ingredients I Was Going To Use
No one wanted to eat goat and I was forbidden from using lamb
Would have been happy to try venison but wasn't familiar with cooking that particular meat and how it's flavor interacted with the listed spices
So I just went with beef
Likewise the cilantro and serano pepper I was going to use were tossed out
Which is a shame cause I know they would have brought the whole thing together
DESPITE ALL OF THIS was a very hearty delicious curry
Even my dad with his midwest-centric pallet went back for seconds
Served over aromatic jasmine rice which imo made it all the better
Will definitely be making again but with ALL the ingredients and, should I someday prove lucky, the intended meat
Other Notes
Got the glass and three others, at an antique shop for 12 dollars total! It was, allegedly, originally used at a pharmacy soda shop when those were still a thing. Which is exactly the type of glass I was looking for!
Couldn't find a good enough table cloth in time so used a dress I had lol
Adjusted the lighting and coloring a bit to make it more fall colors and to do how tasty the stew is justice lol
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fogerist · 2 years
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It’s Test Day #1
Iguana-on-a-Stick y’all
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scarfacemarston · 5 months
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You know, I see so many fandom cookbooks for everything from Dragon Age, to the Witcher, Lord of the Rings, to Dungeons and Dragons, and Breaking Bad.
But I don’t see a Red Dead Redemption one being popular. I have a feeling it’d be Pearson’s stew - which binging with Babish did - jerky and stuff like that? (Side of botulism optional if the gang is to be believed). Abigail’s burnt roast?
Or would it be like Cowboy Kent Rollins? Historic and cultural?
Or the menus that we see from the various bars and restaurants?
Anyway, I don’t see it being as successful, but hey, a fallout 4 cookbook shouldn’t work out either with that logic! Edit: I don't know why it says comments are restricted?? I didn't set any settings or touch any comments. :/
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happy-ratta · 3 months
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I bring more payday 2 headcanons!
-Bain isn't the only Watcher on the team, I wonder who else is a Watcher?
-Bile hates Twitch's voice
-Bile once had children (no I won't build more onto that just yet)
-Houston wanted to be a zoologist
-That dream died the day Dallas ran away to join the mafia, he had an alcoholic mother to take care of after all
-Once Sydney made a homemade firework for 4th of July, there was more then a few minor injuries
-Joy does glass painting as a hobby
-Watchers are aliens, but types of werewolves and a creature vaguely resembling a vampire from Russian folklore exist as well
-Heisters have died before on a job, resurrection and mind-wiping can be a pain sometimes
-Twitch really likes tater tots, like really really likes tater tots
-Bile never met bain as a child, nor even knew he existed, it wasn't until he was employed by Bain that learned about him
-Houston, unironically, likes the Fallout franchise, he has the Fallout cookbook
-Jonh Wick has taught Joy hand-to-hand, no regrets on his part. Many regrets from the others
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andorerso · 10 months
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Hi! I'm taking an opportunity you presented and I'm asking for more of your story: let the cat out of the bag. I adore it and would like more of it!
A sequel to this AU with some more adventures of Mimi the Cat! Thanks for the prompt, I hope you like this <3
Summary: Five months after they started dating, Jyn gets cold feet and tries to run from her feelings. Naturally, Mimi is not happy about this.
OR, how Mimi saves this relationship for the second time.
Jyn has prepared a little box with all of Cassian’s things she could find: a pair of socks, two shirts, a toothbrush, a razor, shaving cream, his favorite shampoo, one of his cookbooks… She didn’t realize how much stuff he’d kept at her place, growing roots in her home the same way he’d sneaked into her life. Slowly, steadily, subtly. And so thoroughly, she doesn’t know how to cut him out.
She hesitates when it comes to the blue shirt she loved to sleep in, running her fingers across the soft material like it was his skin.
A clean break would be better, right? No need to torture herself with old memories. This would be hard as it is…
Jyn puts the shirt in the box and slams the lid shut. It sits on the living room table all day, taunting her, while Mimi squats under the couch, unwilling to even look in her direction.
Fair enough. She doesn’t really want to look at herself either right now.
Cassian is stopping by soon to collect his things, and then it’ll be over.
She shouldn’t complain. She’s the one who ended things after all. Still, the finality of it squeezes her lungs so tight that she has to stop and remember to breathe. They dated only for five months; it shouldn’t feel like this. He shouldn’t be such an integral part of her that she can’t go on without him. It was meant to be just some harmless fun. But she’d underestimated how much this would hurt.
Seeing Cassian on her doorstep doesn’t help. The face that once put a smile on her lips now makes her want to curl up in a ball and cry while she eats ice cream out of a box like those women in romantic comedies during the second act fallout.
Except this is no movie. She doesn’t expect a grand reunion at the end of all this.
Jyn leads him to the living room, ignoring the memories of all the times she’s done that only to grab him by the collar and pull him down on the couch to fool around. It’s more or less how their first kiss went, right on that couch with half a dozen notebooks open in front of them and forgotten for the night as her legs wrapped around him and his hands slid under her shirt.
Then, a couple of months of unattached sex, or so they had said until Mimi had meddled in her own strange, brilliant way and made them admit their feelings for each other. And so they’d begun dating, five months of bliss Jyn had never experienced before. Not perfect, no, but imperfect in a way that was just right.
Oh, she remembers thinking one night as she played with Cassian’s hair while he slumbered peacefully next to her. So this is what people write all those poems about.
Looking back now, that realization might have been the beginning of the end. Because this is what she does, she runs. When things get too real, she cuts the cord and disappears. Leaves behind a string of broken hearts, but none of them her own.
Except this time, it feels more like she severed her own hand rather than whatever cord tied them together. Cassian left, but the cord stretched taut and continued to tug her towards him while she slowly bled out from her self-inflicted wound.
Now here they are. All those months, and they can barely stand to look at each other. Pathetic.
A scratching sound interrupts her train of thought as Mimi finally pulls herself out from under the couch. Of course she would, now that he’s here. Little traitor.
With a single, drawn-out meow, she runs to Cassian and greets him by rubbing her small body against his leg while she trots around him in circles. The twitch of his lips as he looks down at her is Jyn’s first glimpse behind the calm mask he donned.
Her heart squeezes. Damn it. He’s always loved her stupid cat to irrationality. Once, she joked that the real love story was not between her and Cassian, but between Mimi and Cassian. Cassian laughed and kissed her forehead while he continued to rub Mimi between her ears.
“It can be both,” he said.
Well, she’s effectively ended both as well.
Cassian leans down to stroke his hand against Mimi’s white fur a couple of times, a sight so familiar that Jyn has to dig her nails into her palm to keep her composure. The cord tugs harder but she digs her heels into the ground and refuses to budge. She can’t go back now.
Cassian doesn’t linger as long as he normally would. He straightens up, despite the displeased yowl Mimi lets out, and gives Jyn a look of apprehension.
She jerks her head towards the box on the table. “That’s all I could find.”
Her voice is strained with things she doesn’t want to admit. Like how much she’s missed him in just the week they’ve been separated, how she isn’t actually sure she’s making the right choice, how scared she is to never see him again…
What would he say if she told him all that?
Cassian picks up the box, ruffling through its contents. He has nothing to give back to her. They spent more time at her apartment because of Mimi, but the realization still gives her pause. Had she really been so closed off that she wouldn’t even bring over a toothbrush? Had she been holding him at arm’s length all this time without knowing it?
“Thanks.” He clears his throat as he closes the lid shut, gives her a fleeting glance. He’s unable to hold her gaze for too long. His face is smooth as marble, but the tension in his posture is obvious. “Well, I should just…” He trails off, gesturing towards the door.
“Right.”
Neither of them moves. They stand in awkward silence, waiting for the other to say something, fix things, be honest. But she can’t make her voice work. If that was so easy, she wouldn’t be here to begin with.
Cassian snaps out of it first. He turns away, heading for the door, and Jyn knows the window has closed. No takebacks now. She follows him with a heavy heart, watches silently as he pulls on his coat and prepares to walk out of her life. Will they go back to strangers now like they’d never known each other? Will he nod at her politely on the street or turn away with a frown? Will it still mean anything to him a year from now?
He pulls the door open, and Jyn loses her composure. “Cassian —”
Before she even finishes saying his name, he’s already stopped and turned to face her again. One hand on the doorknob, he waits, patiently, for her to speak. But with those dark eyes that miss nothing watching her, she loses her nerve again, and the words get stuck in her throat. Whatever those words even were.
Don’t go? I’m sorry? Can we talk about this?
As Jyn hesitates and Cassian waits, Mimi, who’s followed them to the foyer, slips between his legs and runs out the door.
“Shit!” Jyn takes off after her without a second thought, but the little devil is far too fast for her own good and is already sprinting down the stairs at the end of the hallway. “Mimi, stop!”
She can hear Cassian fumble with something in her apartment, but she doesn’t stop, taking stairs two at a time as she tries to catch up with Mimi.
It’s no use. By the time she reaches the ground floor, Mimi is nowhere to be seen, and the single mom from the second floor is blinking at her in surprise, holding the main door open.
“She just ran out, I didn’t see —”
Jyn doesn’t dignify that with a response, tearing out into the street and blinking helplessly at the busy neighborhood. It’s the typical picture: people rushing by on their phones, cars honking, drivers yelling, a baby crying in a stroller, a street musician on the other side playing his guitar… The noise feels oppressive.
Now what? She looks left, she looks right. Mimi could have gone in any direction. And with the amount of traffic they have in this area…
Her heart racing, Jyn takes deep breaths and tries not to panic. Too late. She’s not prepared to deal with this. Sure, she often jokes about Mimi being her heartless little devil cat, but it’s nothing but affectionate teasing. Mimi’s her baby and she can’t imagine her life without her. She’s never run away before; she isn’t an outdoor cat. If something happens… if they can’t find her…
Cassian arrives behind her, but Jyn’s still scanning the crowd, hoping to catch a flash of white fur.
“Is she gone?”
“I…” She can’t finish her words, a ball lodged in her throat.
Cassian grips her shoulders and turns her to face him, but she’s too distraught to even feel the burn of his touch.
“Hey, don’t panic. She must be nearby.” He sounds so sure, but Jyn knows he’s only trying to reassure her. Well, she’s gonna let him. Eyes locked on Cassian, she nods and tries to believe him.
Mimi couldn’t have gotten that far, right? She was just pissed at Jyn for sending Cassian away, a fact she’s already made clear in the past week. She was playing the part of an angry teenager running away from home to piss off her parents. Very dramatic. Very unnecessary. But she’d come back.
She has to.
“I locked your door,” Cassian continues, producing a key from his pocket that he hands to her. “Come on, I’ll help you look.”
“You don’t have to,” Jyn begins feebly, but nothing sounds worse than the thought of doing this on her own. Luckily, Cassian sees right through her bullshit. He sends her a look that says he isn’t willing to argue about this, and Jyn’s heart swells with appreciation.
“We’ll find her, I promise.”
xxx
The sun starts to set, casting the sky in pink and orange hues, and Mimi is still missing.
Jyn is beginning to lose hope of ever seeing her beloved cat again. More and more nefarious possibilities of what might have happened circle her like dark clouds before a storm, and she can’t push them down anymore. What if she was attacked by a dog, what if she was hit by a car, what if someone saw her, thought she was cute, and picked her up to take her home, what if what if what if
Cassian tries to keep her spirits high, but he’s fighting a losing battle.
“She’ll turn up,” he insists, always so determined, as they make their way back to her apartment building. “We can print some posters, post it on social media —” he goes on but Jyn doesn’t want to hear it.
It all begins to build in her chest; breaking up with Cassian, the shitty days at work, the sleepless nights, the endless cycle of repetition… Now this. She can’t lose Mimi too, she just can’t.
She doesn’t know how to survive without both of them.
“Stop!” Jyn bursts out just as they reach her apartment building, then buries her face in her hands. Cassian clams up, but she can feel his worried gaze boring into her. “Everything sucks!”
With that, she dramatically plops down on the front steps, removing her hands from her face to rub at her temples. Everything sucks is an understatement, but she doesn’t have the words to describe the heavy weight sitting on her chest. Tears prick at her eyes, and it takes all her energy to keep them at bay. Crying in public in front of your ex-boyfriend was not on the agenda today.
Out of the corner of her eye, she sees Cassian hesitating for a second before he joins her.
“You wanna go upstairs? Rest a little?”
“No.”
“Okay. How about those posters then? I can make them if you want.”
“I can make them myself!” she snaps, angrier than she should be.
“Okay. Do you want me to go then?”
“No.”
“Right.” Cassian clears his throat and falls silent. For a while, neither of them speaks as they stare out at the street while the night grows darker around them. Clearly, she’s sending mixed signals here. She should say something. Tell him that he can go, that he’s already done enough. She can handle it from here. But she isn’t sure she can. Selfishly, she doesn’t want to let him go yet — because then, she’ll be truly alone.
No cat, no boyfriend. Just Jyn in her all too empty apartment with nothing but her own thoughts to keep her company.
“Hey…” It’s Cassian’s gentle voice that pulls her back to the present and makes her realize those damn tears leaked from her eyes anyway. And now she can’t stop. She wipes at her face furiously, sniffing, but they keep falling, and when Cassian reaches for her hand and pulls her into his arms, she doesn’t fight it.
She buries her face in his shoulder and lets herself weep for a few seconds. Cassian’s arm circles around her waist, one hand rhythmically stroking her hair. He doesn’t say anything, but she’s glad, preferring his silent but solid presence over meaningless words of reassurance. It doesn’t erase the ache in her chest but calms her down long enough to stop sobbing and pull herself together.
“I’m sorry,” she says when she pulls away, wiping at her eyes. Despite their five-month-long relationship, it’s only the second time she let herself cry around him. She doesn’t think Cassian would judge her or make fun of it, but it’s hard to override two decades worth of self-preservation instincts. Don’t show weakness, don’t show vulnerability, don’t give them ammo to hurt you; it’s always been one of her most important rules.
But it’s also why she broke up with him, isn’t it? She’s never considered that you can’t build a relationship on mistrust because she’s never had any that mattered. Now she has to figure out if she could unlearn those habits and keep Cassian, or let him go for good.
“And not just for sniveling all over you,” Jyn continues, speaking slowly as she thinks about what she wants to tell him and how to say it. “I’m sorry for chasing you away. I was just… I was…”
“You got scared,” Cassian finishes for her, getting to the heart of the matter without preamble. Jyn’s eyebrows shoot up in surprise. He lifts a shoulder, a quiet huff on his lips that almost sounds amused. “I know you. Better than you think. Better than you probably want me to.”
“I… That’s not true. I want you to know me.” She can understand how it might not seem that way, but it’s true. Deep in her heart, she wants nothing more than to be seen and understood by him. It’s just all that fear getting in the way, whispering cruel things in her ear and making her question herself. You’re not good enough for him. He doesn’t want you like you want him. He’s not going to stick around forever. It’s better to cut your losses now while you can. Leave him before he can leave you.
Her armor may have protected her for years, but it’s now become the number one enemy working against her.
“But if you knew,” Jyn begins, her mouth pulling into a frown, “why didn’t you say anything?”
Cassian’s gaze drops to his lap. “Jyn, I can’t force you to want to be with me. I can’t force you not to run. You have to figure that out for yourself. I thought… if you’re ready, you’ll come back.”
“And if I’m not?” she asks, a strange tremor in her voice.
“Then you’re not.” He looks up, and his dark brown eyes and long eyelashes mesmerize her for a second. He’s so close, so warm, so pretty; she has to ball her hands into fists to keep from reaching out. Touching him has become natural like breathing. She doesn’t know how to quit it, quit him.
Fuck, it’s not fair. How is she expected to think clearly when he’s watching her like that? Fantasizing about kissing him breathless is not a productive train of thought at the moment.
“I want to be with you, but it has to be your choice to come back.”
So maybe it’s hormones. Maybe it’s the way he looks at her, maybe it’s his smell, his warmth, his magnetism, maybe it’s that she doesn’t want to be stuck behind her castle walls anymore. Safe but alone.
Or maybe it’s the way she’s struggled to sleep at night, kept awake by the memory of their time together and how happy he’s made her, but she tells him, “I think I can try harder.”
“Jyn, is that Mimi?”
Jyn blinks, surprised by his response for a second. Then she remembers. She isn’t even sure Cassian heard what she said, but when she turns and finds Mimi strutting down the sidewalk towards them like nothing was amiss, all thoughts of their relationship issues escape her brain.
Gasping, Jyn shoots up and runs to snatch Mimi into her arms, hardly daring to believe it. She’s come back. She’s okay. A little dirty, and positively grumpy at being held like this, but otherwise unharmed.
Jyn’s almost lost all hope, and the relief that floods her chest now threatens to bring on another wave of tears. Biting down hard on her lip, she tightens her grip around Mimi and breathes in deeply. She’s cried enough today.
“Where have you been?” Jyn demands, but her voice is too high and shaky to sound scolding at all. “We’ve been looking all over for you, young lady!”
“Yeah.” Cassian comes to stand beside her, reaching out a hand to rub Mimi under her chin because, as Jyn knows from experience, he just can’t help it. “You scared us.”
Us, Jyn thinks, sending a small smile his way. A team.
Mimi lets out a belligerent meow and starts wiggling in Jyn’s arms. By the way she wags her tail, Jyn knows she’s getting annoyed at being held like this, but tough luck. She’s not letting go until they’re back safe and sound in her apartment. That’s what you get when you run away from home and scare your parents half to death.
Readjusting her grip on Mimi, she turns to Cassian and gives him a tiny, hopeful smile. “You wanna come up for dinner? We can talk some more.”
“That depends.” His eyes sparkle with playfulness. “Are you cooking?”
Jyn lets a bark of laughter. “I can be convinced to leave the task to you.”
“In that case, I’m right behind you.”
As he always has been.
Hiding her smile, Jyn turns and leads the way back to her apartment. She’s taken the leap, she’s chosen to fight, and she’s never been one to back down from a challenge. So screw the insidious voices whispering in her ear; she’s not going to let them win and cost her something important.
She has her cat, and she has her almost-boyfriend, and she’s ready to give this another shot.
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