#FINALLY got my paycheck i've never had this much money on my account in my entire life

[hasufin]

Stupid HSA tricks. OR, "Give me my money"

I've had this email sitting in my inbox for a while now, reminding me that I have a balance in my Health Savings Account.

Now, for non-Americans, a Health Savings Account - HSA - is one of those half-assed compromises to make our hellscape of a healthcare system very slightly more tolerable. The idea is, some of your own income is deducted from your paycheck before taxes, and you may use that money exclusively for medical care without paying income tax on it.

Of course, this can't just be handled by the government. No sense in doing that. When this income is deducted from your paycheck, it is graciously held by a private company which will kindly dole it out to you when you submit acceptable requests. In the interim, of course, they will hold onto your money and invest it as they see fit, garner the profits from it.

If this sounds like a scam, it totally is. In fact, when this was first introduced these companies also had "policies" such that if you didn't use your HSA money before the end of the year, they just got to keep anything you had left. I believe the laws were changed to put a stop to THAT.

However, my previous experiences with this scam informed my general feeling on the entire system. One of my previous employers had an HSA such that we had these debit cards with which ostensibly we could make any medical purchase directly. However, if there was a dispute regarding any payment, they would lock the accounts for everyone in our company. And, this HSA denied Every. Single. Claim. No matter how obviously it was qualified, the first couple of times you submitted a claim, it would be denied as unauthorized. Which meant everyone had their accounts locked all the time.

So, anyway. With my current employer there's an HSA. As a matter of personal policy I don't participate - even if they're a legit, ethically-run service, the reality is I'm only saving a pittance in income tax for a huge pain in the ass. But somehow it turns out I have $500 in my HSA, which has rolled over year after year.

I tried to pull it out for some dental work, um, back in 2020. And that never resulted in me getting a check or anything. At the time I was busy and just shrugged and went on with my life.

Today, having blown the cost of a small car on four teeth, I decided to get that $500 out of the account. And thus ensued...

First, I did not recall the password to my account. And I did not write it down, because I had zero intention of using that account once I got my money out. No problem, reset password.

They send me a password link. The link also tells me the text of the security question. I vaguely recall their security questions were off-the-wall stuff I don't have any sort of answer for. (I do not give my mother's actual maiden name for that kind of question, but I do have a specific answer I give for it.) But this was a "Uh, what?". And bear in mind, there was clearly an answer in their system.

So I'm trying to come up with the security question, and figured it out on the third try. So I get the password reset and...

They're sending me an authorization code. Right.

I get the auth code and finally I'm actually in.

First, I look at the old claim and it's just listed as "unpaid". Why was it unpaid? No reason! It just wasn't paid. Not denied, not unauthorized or not qualified. They just didn't pay! Gosh, I wish it worked like that with my own bills!

So, come to find out after much digging, they've got "Request reimbursement" and "Add a claim". The former is - supposedly - the one where you get money from them. The latter is a "courtesy" to help you track your medical bills. So adding a claim has no bearing on the money you have in your HSA, it's just you writing stuff down. In spite of being identical to the reimbursement section.

Okay. Now I think I need to request reimbursement on this claim.

Denied. No authorized account for that claim. They rolled the money over and now I can only get paid for stuff which happens during this calendar year. Fine. I have a current medical bill where I blew WAY more than $500 out of pocket.

I put that in, and request reimbursement. No, wait, I don't. Because first you have to put the request in and save it. THEN you go into the request and tell the system you want paid. Because, apparently, people will put in a request but NOT want paid. Sure, that makes sense.

I request reimbursement. And I want them to mail me a paper check, thank you. Yes, I know it will incur a fee. And no, I will not "pwetty pwease let us have access to your bank account it's faster and easier and we're totally secure and definitely don't use this as a means to collect even more saleable information on you."

I request a check. And within thirty seconds I get an email telling me the funds have been "returned" because they tried to make a payment and it did not work. Which is really fucking fast for delivering a check, let me tell you.

And there is no further guidance on what to do. The website says the request is "not approved" but no information on what that means. I request to contact a representative. Which involved navigating a chatbot and repeatedly telling it that, no, it has not identified my problem and DO NOT redirect me to a page which talks about something else.

I finally get a human on the chat function. Who tells me that from their end everything looks fine, they just need to review the request and I'll get the check in 7-10 business days. Which would be GREAT except i have nothing official to indicate that. The rep claims the system is mistakenly telling people requests are being denied and IT is aware. Which is kind of suspicion in an industry which routinely denies valid requests anyway. So of course their system "mistakenly" says requests are denied.

Since I trust this exactly not at all, I ask for something official, as a chat in the company's website is not a legally actionable record. But of course there's no way to do this. I can download or copy and past the chat, which is equivalent to me writing out a text file.

So, I'm probably not ever getting my money.

[blahandwhatever]

Most of my time since Christmas has been split between work and sleep and chilling, glad to have the big hurdle behind me, enjoying my own cozy-at-home version of the holidays. Played my new game. Finished decorating my tree a little too late, but good enough to enjoy for at least a few weeks. Didn't have as much of a mess to deal with at home as I had the past two years, maybe because there wasn't as much of a focus on shopping - for gifts, outfits, and home stuff - to derail my regular chores (which, to be fair, I've also gotten a bit better at).

Did some fussing over money and expenses, tired of being strained there. Got my first paycheck from my new job, but it was very small. The next one will also be smaller than I hoped due to things slowing down over the holidays. With other jobs also slowing down this month - and studies too - there was barely any improvement.

I got some cash for Christmas, finally learned I could actually get that into my online bank account by doing a PayPal cash deposit at a store like Walgreens and then transferring that to my bank, did that, and used the money toward rent and groceries.

Got a belated gift card from a job and used it to stock up on a few cosmetics I'd run out of, leaving me with more of the 'oh, this decidedly does do something for my skin' experiences that it's easy to forget after doing the same routine for years. I've seen a fair amount of the 'skincare is a scam' sort of sentiment lately, and I'm sorry, but no (at least not all of it).

Tomorrow I have a phone call (with an agency?) about a higher-paying job (hopefully that actual job and not just their jobs in general?), but I'm not getting my hopes up.

I've applied for jobs very, very little lately.

Once again, I failed to go to Chicago in December. I really wanted to but really didn't feel like it anytime in the past week and also really needed the $10-$15 I would've had to use for parking (not to mention gas). Oh well - I'll probably go in January, and it should still be good.

The Nielsen Neuro labs in Chicago have shut down, so that era is over.

This weekend I relaxed and cleared various things away - clothes piles, mail piles, post-it note piles, dead leaves/flowers on the balcony I should've swept in the fall - to start the new year on the right foot.

My mother called, asked if I had plans for today, said she had the day off. I'd never been interested in visiting again a week after the holidays, but at least she didn't suggest a sleepover this time, and, given how she can't spend the day with my father now, I agreed to go for dinner. It wasn't a particularly friendly invitation, and she spent most of the phone call complaining about my brother, who had had a surgical procedure and hadn't planned or communicated things as she thought he should have. I listened mostly patiently but felt tired of this.

Today I woke up very tired, though I thought I'd slept enough. Might have been recuperating from my period. Managed to get going and get there at a reasonable time. The forecast had predicted a sunny day, but it was just another gray one. Much as I sometimes bemoaned my inability to get out before dark in previous years, winter with neither sun nor snow isn't usually much of a sight to behold in the daylight.

We had dinner, which was okay for a while. My father was home and came down to exchange Happy-New-Years. I had sent him a text earlier, and he'd texted back. Had hoped not to see him. He asked if I'd heard from my brother, who was staying with friends. I said we'd exchanged Happy New Years. He said, somewhat petulantly, that my brother hadn't texted him. I clarified that I'd texted him first. He walked back upstairs bitching about my brother being a spoiled brat who didn't know he was supposed to text his parents. It was an attitude I'd dealt with myself too many times, spending most of my life tiptoeing around this man's ego, temper, and toxic family rule minefield. But in some ways, at least as a parent, he'd become better in recent years, so this was somewhat unexpected. I sat there still and silent for a while, too full to keep eating, thinking about how much I hated my father.

Soon enough, the conversation with my mother dried up, and she said, somewhat petulantly, that if I didn't have anything to talk to her about, she was going to go watch her TV show. Went upstairs and left me alone in the kitchen with my coffee and pie.

I felt a little guilty but also tired of being made to feel guilty all my life for not having enough to say. By someone who, for her part, cannot learn to ever enjoy a loved one's company in silence, and rarely takes me up on offers to do things besides just sitting and talking.

She returned after a while, and I questioned her attitude, and she once again acted like the victim. Said nobody cares about her or thinks about her feelings, among other things. Said she didn't like feeling like my spending time with her was forced. Said maybe we needed space from each other like I'd sometimes asked for myself. I just felt so tired and done.

I bothered responding only a little, and then I got going. I cried a little in the car. Back home, I texted my father about his earlier commentary on my brother. Reminded him, again, to stop taking out his childhood neglect and trauma on the wrong people. I hope he doesn't respond. Aside from Christmas, we haven't really talked since things between him and my mother were more dramatic.

Didn't manage to get anything else done that I was supposed to today - too tired and out of it. I'll do my real end-of-year reflections another day.

Whenever I see a 'What do you want to leave behind in [insert year]' type of thing, the #1 answer is always my family's bullshit. I know that will never completely end, and I'll never actually want to cut them off completely. But I am forever seeking an ever more lasting state of psychological immunity, of being above it all, along with occasional nips in the buds of some of the toxicity. History is the evolution of the consciousness of freedom (from your parents, in many cases).

[beelzlikes]

Okay, listen to THIS and tell me I'm not crazy:

I got an email today from da boss telling me I've gotten a raise. Not only that, but I'm going to get retroactive pay from the last two months to reflect this. So by all accounts, even after taxes, my next paycheck is gonna be hefty.

"Congratulations!" you might be thinking. And yet... here I come to spoil it all.

I'm paranoid. That this is a conspiracy. I'm connecting dots across several years and I'm driving myself mad doing so. My brain tells me that "They" are orchestrating things behind the scenes.

Take for instance my ill-fated trip to Oregon all those years ago. I go there so I become a stoner legally, and just so happen to find a great roommate who is almost overly caring and kind and lenient with the fact that I was unemployed and playing video games all day and night. And when I finally broke and blamed him, he begged me to stay, saying he didn't care about me paying my share of the rent anyway. SUS! Who is this guy? What does he want? Did I imagine he drugged me, or did he really do that?

And when I do get back to my home state, oh wow! Wouldn't you know it, medical marijuana just so happens to be legal now and you easily qualify, isn't that a coincidence?

Then we find a pretty good gig working at a charter school we've never heard of before but THROUGH a contract with a company I HAVE worked with before. And during our tenure there we objectively have the best funded and well behaved school in the entire district. And just when things are starting to go so smoothly that I actually start making plans for the future - BOOM! Covid hits and we are all quarantined.

That's right, folks. Covid is MY fault. This is what my brain is telling me. Not to mention that Charter school had hot queer guys as substitutes ALL the time, like "They" were throwing them at me. "Here's one, you like this one? No? How about this one, he's short and has glasses? No? Fuck uuuuh I dunno, new strategy!"

When Covid is over, I get "fired" from my job and almost immediately pick up a new one working at the college I graduated from. And in this job I can do no wrong apparently! I slack off terribly and I even get reprimanded, but not even at my most suicidal was I ever in jeopardy of really losing my job...

This job pays more than my last one, I do so much LESS work than I did before, and now I'm told I'm getting a raise and congratulated for "being so amazing". What? ...What the fuck? Are YOU high right now, I'm doing diddly squat over here!

Not to mention as soon as I'm hired, a previous college roommate of mine suddenly wants to reconnect? Remember: he's gay too. And what's this? He ALSO works at the same college?? What. A. Coincidence. So of course I ghost him, he was a trap. "They" were trying to set me up.

That didn't work? Oh shit, okay, let's send in hot union person - we know he's into unions right now. And this person JUST so happens to meet me at the office on the ONE day I was going to be there that month. And they just so happen to keep coming back even after I put them off.

I must be crazy, yeah? There's no way there's a shadowy cabal of people going behind my back in an attempt to IMPROVE my life. That's like... the ANTITHESIS of a conspiracy, yeah?! Suddenly I'm gonna have an influx of money, at LEAST a couple hundred dollars in this next paycheck. AND from here on out I'm getting paid more anyway.

What the fuck? This isn't right. Good things don't happen to me. The other shoe is riiiiiight around the corner and it's gonna drop on me like a ton of bricks. What the fuck? What the fuck.

#personal #public private journal #the truman show #crazy #i'm crazy #nice things aren't for me I've learned that

[servingliesarchived]

the way being able to afford rent makes you feel this much better...

#𝐎𝐔𝐓 𝐎𝐅 𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐀𝐂𝐓𝐄𝐑 ; nerd central. #FINALLY got my paycheck i've never had this much money on my account in my entire life #imma cry my dudes #anyway. i'll be here i just had a looong day #i got a bad case of vertigo last night and i couldn't take a day off so i was just #suffering through work but i feel a bit better now #especially that i gOT MY FUCKING MONEYS #imma write tomorrow on here and also cara #love u guys

[helly-watermelonsmellinfellon]

Hi, I just want to tell you that I've been following your tumblr for a short time since I love your fanfiction, and let me tell you that if I could help you in any way, I would do that in a second. But, & I hope you don't take this the wrong way, since you started posting about not having enough money & your stepdad not being able to work because of his injury & everything else, I wanted to ask you If you have a job? Or if you are looking for one? (Unless there is a reason why you can't work).

Mom is disabled. I'm the one who had to clean the house and cook while step-dad and step-bro's wife went to work. The problem, is that step bro lived with us but refused to help with the rent or bills and he wasn't kicked out because of his baby. He's done the whole moving out and then moving back in thing 6 times already since he was 17. That's 8 years of this behavior, but this time he didn't have a job and had a newborn. His wife was the one working, but they weren't saving money or trying to plan. They just lived with us for free and spent everything on name brand candy.

(That tilts me btw because at least they could have saved cash by getting off brand candy at cheaper prices.)

Finally, the one time he was told he had to start helping out and stop wasting his wife's paycheck on candy, he threw a fit and hauled his family back to PA to live with her parents. BUT they made him get a job and he caved within a month and moved them somewhere else. He still has to have a job cuz they're expecting another kid now and his wife can't work as a result. Boo hoo for him.

When we got told the landlady was evicting us(illegally) I started the Ko-Fi account. Mom started the gofundme. I've been writing for people(fics and homework) on top of doing what I was already doing because, now that step-dad is unable to work, we have no real ways of making money but he can't help much around the house because he can barely move. Getting stuff in the storage unit was hell enough and he fell several times, lost his grip on things because he can't feel sensations anymore, and nearly passed out from the pain in his knee.

Living in the middle of nowhere and the nearest place you could apply for a job being 25 miles away, isn't good on a beat up van that doesn't work. My sister wanted a job for months and it took her that long to finally find a small pizza place that would hire her. Everywhere else had stiff requirement that no one could fulfill, especially when we didn't have guaranteed transportation. My sister had to shell out half her weekly paycheck just because step-dad had to drive 27 miles 4 times a day, and then more sometimes for anti-freeze.

Mom and I settled my position in the house years ago. I was like 18 or around there. I was being ragged on for having no job but also not being in college. 'Just being lazy'. And I pointed out that I was the one taking care of the house and if I didn't do anything they'd all die in filth without me.

We put it to a test. I did no housework for a week and nothing was clean. People were changing in the living room and leaving their dirty clothes everywhere. No clean clothes to wear. All garbage was left around the house instead of taken into the kitchen, so there were cans, bottles, wrappers, boxes, etc... lying everywhere. We got ants. The floors were covered in sticky red shit, the dishes were never clean and just piled up beside the sink, and finally, there was a gross black ring in the tub.

People had spent that whole time complaining about me having no job and being useless to the family. The amount of complaints about my lack of effort during that week quintupled and I was very pleased with myself at the end with all this proof around me. People more willing to wash a pot that's been in the cupboard for 3 years over washing a pot in the sink, and then adding that dirty pot to the sink/washer/dryer stack of dishes.

So mom took my side and told me that so long as I continue doing what I'm doing, since no one else will have the time or will to do it, then I can stay just fine. I get her food. I clean her room. I'm her legs because hers don't work anymore.

Maybe having a stable job would help us right now, if we factor out costs of gas in a place where it's almost $4, but with both of them incapable of functioning without me here to fetch shit for them and clean up after them, what's gonna happen? Bethy isn't here. Step-bro fucked us over. I'm it right now.

#tbh i'm unsure about the whole job thing too #i've only ever had 1 job and it was a church pianist and i was never paid #but i was expected to be at every service regardless of my health or familial concerns

[lesbians-love-samwilson]

Non Binary Sam Headcanon

Non binary Sam

Sam is 27 and Bucky is 30. Age gaps are low key gross to me

Sam went to new York academy for arts on a full ride scholar ship

Bucky started his tech company at age 18 he was a certified genius and graduated college at 16

Sam up until he met Bucky struggled with paying his bills. Even before they moved in together Sam wouldn't accept help but Bucky was able to secretly deposits money in Sam account . When they find out Bucky did this they think its sweet and relief but is all "I'll try to pay you back," and Bucky all "Babe I've got you "

Sam come out was at age 18 three weeks before they left for college they only came out as bisexual they didn't realize they were non binary yet

Sam and Bucky have a dom/sub relationship and Sam is definitely a bratty sub

Sam realized they were non binary in college while dating misty knight who helped and supported them 

Sam didn't come out as non binary to his parents until he fully moved out of their home. Theirs dad was a preacher and scared that they might get rejected.  It took his parents time to fully accept but they did and tried their best to understand

Paul Wilson was one of those guys who like, once he gets it hes got a bumper sticker that says "I love my non-binary child" and does a sermon on God not making mistakes and loving your neighbor and stuff.  Like it's almost embarrassing how hard he goes to support his kid 

Sam suffers from anxiety disorder OCD and Depression he goes to therapy

Sam first art show was at age 24 and he was so nervous and freshly out the closet as non binary and they were feeling more of a she that day but they stuck with wearing a suit out of fear. And during the whole thing they felt overwhelmed and scared. They had to be taken home early by Misty and Sam had panic attack. (misty and Sam were broken up by then but still best friends) 

Riley was their highschool sweetheart who went into the military and they broke up amicably because Sam did NOT want to be a military spouse

 Sam still doesn't wear female presenting clothing to art shows even now that their confident in themselves they just can't risk not making a paycheck

Bucky helps Sam get their first queer based art gallery showing Sam cries tears of joy afterward because they finally can wear a pretty dress to an art show

Sam first ever   piece ever sold was a portrait of a black family sitting at the dinner table praying

  When bucky took Sam to a charity event with elite society. Sam wore a suit and didn't tell Bucky they were feeling more like a she. Sam didn't want to stick out in a mostly white crowd to much and didn't want people to judge bucky

Bucky had noticed Sam was acting strange and off all night and when Sam excused themselves to the bathroom and never came back Bucky went to find them only to find them crying in the bathroom having a panic attack and Bucky took them home 

  Sam told Bucky he just wanted to fit in and not cause to much of a stir and that he was sorry he couldn't fit in with high society. Bucky was all I don't care about your status in society I just wanted to bring you because I love you and wanted to do something with you. But if it makes you uncomfortable or make you suppress a part of yourself then we don't need to go (Also this would be their first I loves you) 

 Bucky loves Sam and will straight up reject high society if that means keeping Sam around him 

Sam has three collars for different moods. Their bratty collar has the word "whore," in diamond (yes the diamonds are real). Their second collar is for when she just soft and delicate it has the word "princess," in diamonds. The last one is plain black for anxiety attack purpose

Sam does have a praise kink and humiliation kink. Like if Bucky calls her a good girl while also calling them a dumb slut they could cum right there

They also have a whole room dedicated to their toys it's locked always and Bucky and Sam both have keys to it. The spare bedroom they "use for storage" and tell people "oh it's a mess in there so we keep it locked" 

they try not to use it if they have company spending the night but this one time when sam sister Sarah and her husband were staying over. Sam was being a brat and horny all day just sly slutty act. That Bucky just had to take them to their kink room and bend them over their spanking bench 

Bucky has and exhibition kink and they definitely fucked in Bucky office.  Bucky clearing his schedule so Sam can sit under his desk and warm his cock all day 

The way they fit into dom/sub relationship was during the fourth date when Sam called Bucky Sir. Then that morning they sat down and had a long convo about it.

Sam loves getting cock cage though because he drops a lot faster and Bucky will carry him around like a rag doll

Sam loves to wear butt plug and a skimpy skirt during their relaxing sundays and just bend over showing bucky up their skirt showing off their plug hole.

Credits for header: @glittercake​

@siancore​ @captainamericasamwilson​ @cap-is-bi​ @jemgirl86​ @renee561​ @sambambucky​ @samwilsonsundays​ @sambuckyslayallday​

#sam wilson sundays #sam wilson #sambucky #winterfalcon

[threenorth]

Tw dentist, blood doctors and maybe more i don't know it's ment to be a vent...ptsd horror I don't fucking know... Just leave I've warned you enough.. You can read whatever you fucking want.

Here's a vent that might take you forever to see, and i guess that's how it goes now.

To whoever finds me in my state of mind where there is only me and my battles of my own mind.

Thanks for what i assumed was coming to wish my happy birthday, i guess now it's not you, i thought id come clean and then to see you say you didn't know...

God i hate anons. Y'know? Can't they just tell us who they fucking are...and if i find out it's you later I'm going to more hurt, but i can take the hurt.

I will never do any of those things. It hurts you think I would, i got really fucked up a few weeks ago from everything that's happened this year and I'm haunted from a kiss, I've had to suppress my sexual activetly around you incase it brought you truma, so I found photos of things i thought was attractive and ultimately being undiagnosed autisc i guess there's alot I've had to learn the past 3 years... Let alone 7...everyday is beautiful and i face my demons and I'm winning some fights but now I've lost my reason to fight them, when i went to the gym and i can't do another push up i tell myself one more because it's a step closer to being able to pick you up and carry you over the line, not to do the other things you say.

But it's hard when all you can see is the other side of the coin, I thought id show you how much you mean to me, I don't think you should move away from the things, I just wanted to show you that i could of reached out but when i did it was only in an emergency... Your voice calms my seas like nothing else, now all i had was repeats of things that you said i guess now I'll have to live with your new words being painful ones...

I want to rebuild us, but now it's gone.

We need to talk, but we never can be on the same page, time is foward's and backwards you face your last battles because of me, i face mt first because I finally was brave enough to try ask for help because of you.

i guess we're both in bad places but i said i would get hurt for you, i want you to clear your plate but i guess i'm adding to it, but it only get better... Well for one of us...

but everytime it's a fight now, i tried to come to help at the time i saw what i thought was your sign for help. now i feel like no face from spirited away just another soul.

You once told me you wish people would fight over you, yeah little did you know then i wanted you but it seems you later we did too.

But i remember everything, about you it's taking up my memory because everything i choose to do, it's about you.

But I'll leave my socials how they are, if you want in my brain your find the fragments from June 2014 to September 2021, each blog post one thing in it was about you or something in my day.

If you want to find me, you know where I can be found.

In my letters i apologise for my actions, to everyone and try to talk to them.

I wanted to get to know them, but i guess i never will be able to either.

I even tell your father that i would always have an account for you with 5000 dollars it in so you can always go wherever you need to go.

I tell your father to exchange letters with your mother, where i tell her it would be nice to have Brunch with her.

I'm not a perfect person, but everyday i try to get my life back and every crossroad has your name on it.

Your wish is my command,

I hope you remember one thing from me.

I always tried my best for you, even if i knew at some stage your find out... I'm just sorry that I can't build a freindship with you when you mean so much to me aswell...

So herd about the police call.yeahhh that one was pretty bad but...

Did you know i called a safe shelter for you to ask pricing that i would of paid for?

I was loosing my mind but i said i would do anything so i guess my anything is walking away once more because that's what's asked, I want you to know I'm proud of you, your doing an only fans, the girl who told me she didn't want to wear a bikini because she was scared about her scars.

You truly are as beautiful as i saw, even if you didn't see it.

I guess i will never be able to be what i want to be, you are only person I've ever felt remotely anything for who understood me when my words don't work for anyone, but even when i didn't speak the ones i wanted you knew i suffered, yes i did but your voice heals my voids and makes me feel alive and now that I'm finally coming back all i want is you to sing to me, like i sung to you.

I'm ruined and broken, but to see you smile it's something that warms my heart like nothing I've felt.

I wrote about everytime i saw your face i saw the truma of the horror movie trailer, i saw your face and the horror on the screen, the lights the horror I couldn't do it because all i saw was you suffering.

I called the hospital twice and because i wasn't in harm to myself they didn't care, but i still kept my promise to you not to self harm, they didn't ask if I felt like it oh i surely did but i couldn't break a promise and see you in tears.

Do i want to die? Everyday my life without you.

Will I? No because everyday is full of pain i can feel again because of you,this sounds awful but the pain of having a good job because i remained here because of you.

I tell you father that we don't have much but he can take my life, and take it for every cent because it doesn't mean anything to me every paycheck i tried to save some money to help you out, and now i got new costs that i didn't plan on since my meltdown...

I will tell you many things but this one was supposed to be a surpise... In 2014 i asked someone if he wanted to help me make a song.

Some how being ignorant, he posted some of my songs lyrics to a website called something awful forum.

Eventually someone got in contact with me anf told me he did but something magical happened that a kiwi guy saw the song and put chords on it.

He modified it a little but in turn i could enter s contest for song lyrics, i came third.

Here's my song performance by nitton.

I would check the mail everyday hoping for a post card, but I've bounced around the place so many times that part would would say it's in the lost mail section of the post office.

I made this song when i first saw your smile and it melted me away but I told myself not to talk to you because you were younger than me but we became freind's then you became my best freinds then you became my lover then we broke apart then somehow because that's our relationship we met face to face, i left to suffer in my mental state or never being able to have you ever and try do college and now i rebuild my puzzle and piece I'm looking for is around your neck, you are my final piece, i knew you were special to me, but i hadn't known how special you would be...and still are.

She asked me how I was and i said good.

I lied to protect the ones you love.

I lied to survive another day to see you.

The days we didn't talk had been the hardest on me and now the days i talk to you are the hardest on you.

My problems fly away when i see your smile.

I wished it could be everyday forever...

But it keeps falling to pieces.

I have missing pecies but i don't notice my faults when you are with me i feel whole and complete.

Maybe the fault was the stars i saw in your eyes.

Maybe i am the pain I feared i was, i would tattoo my face to change it so all you can see is me but i grew my hair out like I've wanted and i grew my beard out needs a bit of trim but i wanted to show you that i have changed things have changed alot for me just as much as you.

But every wind blow in my hair feels like your hands in my hair...

I went to the dentist, got a clean done and this is hard on anyone but for me the sounds are so much worse being autisc, and then getting two cavities, i was in pain suffering from all the times I've had prior but I found peace in my pain reminding me I'm alive i felt your arm holding my hand, telling me everything will be okay and I let go of my pain and suffering from dentists and still hate the sound but...

I went for my covid injection, i had a mental issue on the way there but i didn't feel my pain you told me that I was okay and this is a new chapter for me.

In the day after talking to the people across the country. I had been in hospital, they had taken my blood i asked for not having a nerve block on my arm maybe it was the anti-pychs but i didn't really feel it this time, my nurse (male) was. Named the same as one of my bully's, the only one to apologise to me for making my life hell.

I don't feel pain anymore, but I do feel remorse and regret i guess i'm finally a man but a man in progress as I'm awaiting to tell them about my pain and suffering I've been through to maybe get meds. Everyday I wake up since 2014 and think i hope your okay, but i saw your face and the horror on the screen your face causes me pain but i can take it and eat it away until my demise of being bullied one night in a bar, I'm glad i didn't do anything stupid but i sure as hell felt it but then i remember that my job would be in jeopardy.

I never planned coming back to Colorado unless i need to and if that means wearing a gps tracker your see the only place i would go would be to the amc, the place my life begun and ended within minutes of each other, i might go up on that rock and scream out that I'm such a fuck up.

If i become famous in my song writing, i told myself I'd never tour colorado.

I would give you every grain of truth but when you say yours I'm in tears you think I'm capable of those things, I'm still haunted by our kiss.

Didn't he tell you that? I said i didn't ask permission to kiss you.

What do you think that means?

I had my rules for being with you and i started horrible habits to deal with my other parts.

I've given that up many moons ago, but you can't be here to believe me, my words feel powerless and weightless because you can't see my world, i see yours through a tinted widow that's how we are.

My words are often misconception and miskewed...

You may never understand my disabilities or my issues I face daily, I don't even know if I'm going to be able to drive yet... but i face them because you gave me hope for better things to come on my hardest days.

I tell you that i would of searched and this comes across like that word you use.. No I'm trying to say that i said would of looked everywhere for you, you are so fucking special to me, you don't have a fucking idea how special.

but you right where i left you, you are the best thing i saw in co, you are the best thing to happen to me in 27 years including college graduation and maybe even being told i would be hired full time... Maybe your be lucky enough to get a full time job.

I told him that every line there would be she can shortcut the line, he didn't even budge to see the lie when i named your demons with one being a lie, he doesn't fucking care about you the way i do, he can't even give a shit to make a fucking comprise on diet for you, you have dated him for 5-6 years. He's a complete douche bag.

He's never going to understand your hints..you see for me i had to analyse every word and every phrase and every gesture to try understand you and i failed to see the ones when you got broken.

I failed to see the time you were trumantised, but you saw me suffering and you made me feel at ease, but i opened my eyes to soon why couldn't you tell me it was over, why couldn't you see that..because you like horror and I've hated it...

that comes across like s- so fucking be it, i know more about you then most people.

I want what's best for you so i guess what's best for you now is that i never get to tell you that I've thought about you everyday expect once, for 7 years.

I guess I'll never tell you how in my darkest hours you push me.

I guess I'll never tell you that i would marry you on my best days and my worse days.

I guess your never find out what you want to know because I've offered to try mend but all I do fucking bend.

I said it once but ill change my words.

I don't know if it's me, well now i know its not.

I hope who ever it is you choose they at least have the fucking desire to learn everything they can.

And maybe they might understand how to ground people in the right way, and not tell them that reailty was wrong, i know you and i don't know what he knew about me, but he could of asked me anything.

In my letter to him i had planned to tell him you should of put a god damn ring on that finger i felt i should of many years ago but I couldn't, can't you see we had to do college and all this other shit...

Within 3 months of dating you i would of asked...

He's had fucking 5-6 years 3-4 more years with you then i ever did, he's a fucking idiot.

But if you love him, go ask him to marry you and don't wait for your fucking mental ex to come back,but you did... You waited for the perfect man I'll tell you I'm not perfect but I've made peace that I'm not, i just wanted to hold you in my arms as i cry on the days i think my pillow is you.

You say you threw out my favourite t-shirt.

I have to believe that, you say many things...

I would of asked for your hand a few months ago but didn't see the laws regarding that marriage is that i have to be in mountains , and file a record to the courts but if i return to mountains i know I'll be shackled more then i have been prior in my mental health.

If you needed blood on a surgery it's a shame I'm the same type,they may tell me it's risky to give more than a certain ammout but i would tell them to risk everydrop for you, i wonder if we're kidney matches, because i would give you my kidney.

If you wanted the moon i would find a way to legally name a crater for you, i wish i had more money to pay your surgery in full, but if you were here my medical insurance would cover most of it.

I would do anything for you and i guess the one thing you can't get from me is the thing you will get. A painful memory that when i tried my best to rebuild my life again and hearing you speak to me i should of just left you alone but I couldn't help it all I've ever done and wanted was to be yours, I wanted a tech job paying well to look after you i wanted to be in San Francisco we both loved the bay. If you need anything at all, i won't provide it because it's already been given you gave me my life and it belongs to you, you can do whatever you want to it. You want it gone so hes.