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#Excuse me lemme delete the old post
listenheresweaty · 3 days
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FINAL WORDS ON THE ALEX KISTER SITUATION
Since Ven uses they/he and not he/they like I previously thought, I will be referring to Alex as she/her to differentiate. If Alex is uncomfortable with this since her pronouns were not supposed to be public information, I will change this.
https://www.reddit.com/r/MandelaCatalogue/comments/1bn42fx/everyone_alex_made_a_response/
After reading Alex Kister’s response, and having read the language used in Ven’s callout doc (read my previous post on the matter), I am ready to say that I do not believe that Alex Kister is a groomer or predatory in any way. Victim DB— an adult AND older than Alex, like Ven— had explicitly consented to Alex’s flirting and sexual messages. There are screenshots showing this. Victim Donutqq changed their perspective on Alex only after someone told them, with little proof, that Alex’s intentions were predatory— before, they had been unbothered.
I extend my sympathies to 16-year old Mitcha for having been briefly used as a mental health crutch by Alex. I hold him completely accountable for that— but I also condemn Mitcha for the shit they’ve said on twitter. Telling people to self-harm or commit suicide and ACTUALLY DRIVING SOMEONE TO A SUICIDAL MINDSET is never, NEVER excusable (<- some people say Mitcha uses they/them, others say she/her. Lemme know).
I do not believe the grooming allegations against Kister, HOWEVER, I do not extend my full support. Although her intentions were not predatory, forming close relationships — especially romantic ones— with fans is not a good idea. She has taken accountability for this. Also, Alex had made efforts to stop interacting closely with fans LONG BEFORE THE CALLOUT DOCUMENT WAS MADE, by deleting fan-interaction servers (and possibly posting about how she was going to take a break from friendships- I think this was mentioned in the callout doc but I’m not sure). In the callout doc and Alex’s response, it is explained that DB and Ven took Alex’s attempts to change as her “hiding” from accountability and decided to start the smear campaign callout doc process.
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^ss of Alex’s response. The discord screenshots come from Ven’s document as well. Please let me know if the last one is hard to read.
Alex also addressed and took full accountability for venting to her partner and an unwilling 16 year old. (Ss below)
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^screenshot from Alex’s response. In short, there are things that Kister has done wrong— bad ideas, unhealthy things, etc. None, however, require her being deplatformed. And none are intentionally manipulative or predatory.
I will take a temporary break from providing monetary support to Alex in response to what she HAS done wrong, but I will not support the people who made the callout doc. The callout doc was a smear campaign.
let’s leave off with this lovely ss.
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having-conniptions · 8 months
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Love In The Air episode 11 live reaction under the cut (long post)
We're gonna get a kiss in this episode aaaaaaaa
Hahaha the way he gently rejected her
Namtan is so underrated lol she's an icon
"I'll tell you what I wanna eat if you can fly to Beijing to buy it today" listen Sky I appreciate you going full sugar baby princess mode but it's not good for the environment
Prapai is so whipped we love to see it
Hahaha what an entrance Rain
The good old paper roll bonk, Sky you mean to tell us you don't have siblings but do the most sibling thing ever?
Pai being questionable again... telling Joy that he and Sky are a couple and asking her for a key card to Sky's room...
Sleepy baby Sky too sleepy to be tsundere
"It's fading. What do I do?" PLEASE WHY IS HE SO CUTE that's like sooooo close to a confessio
THE WAY I GASPED WHEN THEY FINALLY KISSED yeah if I was Prapai I wouldn't have been able to hold back in that moment either omg the softness of it all
WHAAAAAT WTF THAT WAS JUST IN PAI'S HEAD?? boy I feel u
Also that kiss was exquisite lemme rewind
But yeah Sky is way too sleepy rn
The hand kiss aaaaaaa
The cheek kiss AAAAAA
...huh? Sky calling Prapai and telling him to come over?
HAHAHAHA HE CALLED HIM TO ASK HIM FOR HELP WITH HIS HOMEWORK boyyyy we both know you just wanted an excuse to see him
SKY'S SHIRT SAYS "MORE THAN FRIENDS LESS THAN LOVERS" boiiii u ain't subtle
THE WAY HE JUST KISSED HIM AND PAI MANAGED TO STAY MAD??? bruh u should have melted like a normal person
Whaaaaat why is Sky being so cute he's not even trying to be a tsundere anymore
He has literally given in this was him basically going "actually I do want to kiss you" this is everything Pai wanted... yet Pai can't accept it bc he's gotta sulk a little more xD
Now that Prapai is being cold Sky is absolutely falling over himself
Very smooth of Pai to just go to sleep in Sky's bed and fall asleep before Sky can kick him out... but he still looks mad even while sleeping
Homoerotic bike sharing ftw
I absolutely LOVE Pai's surprised face when Sky kisses him it's too good
Awwwwww Rain's gushing about Phayu and Sky is thinking about Prapai... <3
HAHAHAHA "P'Phayu is not the only one who's cool and handsome and the best" OH YEAH SKY WHO ELSE? CARE TO SHARE WITH THE CLASS?
"This is bad." Oh no babyyy he's still scared to get hurt (because obviously falling in love doesn't miraculously undo trauma)
Pai in that gray tanktop? Yes please.
Lmao he's deleting numbers of old hookups
Omg it's a wind pin that's so cute
"Go clean the bathroom" HAHAHA HE IS AWARE OF THE POWER HE HOLDS OVER PAI AND HE HAS NONPROBLEM USING IT
Wait is he doing this so he has an excuse to kiss him again as "payment" because while it does sound kinda cute I think he needs to stop viewing intimacy as a currency
Ok maybe he's doing it as a test or to drive him away
The way I GASPED bc Sky has gone back to his old "he's only doing all this because he wants to fuck me" way of thinking nooo babyyy
"I sound like a dick" congrats Pai you finally realized hahahaha
HUH???? Welcome to another round of "does Sky actually want this or is he doing what he thinks is expected of him?"
Idk all of this strikes me as so utterly unromantic and I'm so confused that I can't even enjoy it... "please get bored of me soon" HUH???
The kiss that Prapai imagined gave me 100x more butterflies than this...
And now he's thinking "please don't get bored of me" ? I'm so confused
"I slept with you so you'd stop pestering me" uh... for real or is he just being a tsundere again? Bc I feel like he hasn't fully admitted to himself that he actually likes Prapai (even though he secretly knows he does) which makes all of this rather uncomfortable to watch
Ok he's teasing but still idk what to make of all of this
Oh no not Pai asking about the piercing
Oh no his ex actually did the piercing wtf
I still feel like Sky is trying to keep his distance emotionally
But he's also smelling and cuddling Pai's shirt awwwwww
Hahaha Rain's braincell is working so hard it's got smoke coming out of it
Bonus scene: bro don't tear out the whole page that's wasteful af
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sqaisheyblogarchive · 10 months
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Important Information:
This blog is an (admittedly unprofessional) archive of Sqaishey Quack’s old personal blogs from mid 2018 to early 2020. The blogs were all deleted off the internet sometime after the last blog post was made. I recently remembered that I had screenshots of most of the blogs (27/30) sitting on my old laptop collecting digital dust, so I decided to upload them here in case anyone found them interesting and wanted to re-read them. Below are a few things to keep in mind: 1) For those who are unaware, Sqaishey Quack (often shortened to Sqaishey) is nonbinary and uses they/them pronouns. Their name is Kye Garrett. These blogs were written by Sqaishey before they came out, so they often use she/her pronouns as well as their deadname in reference to themself. This is not an excuse to deadname or misgender Sqaishey when reading or discussing these blog posts, as well as when interacting with them and their fandom outside of this space. This warning was probably unnecessary, but I’m giving it just in case.
2) These blogs are largely personal and cover a variety of topics that can be upsetting or triggering to people. There is discussion of depression, anxiety, panic attacks, eating disorders, and past abuse/trauma. I’ll make sure to give warnings on each blog post. If anyone has any concerns/thinks I missed a trigger tag, lemme know through the askbox or message me.
3) For additional context; these blogs are very personal, but these were all posted onto Sqaishey’s twitter back when they were being updated. You can still find the dead links to them in their twitter feed. I’m only mentioning this just in case anyone thinks I somehow “stole” these from an intentionally personal website (like, for a non-youtube audience) or something. These blogs were all fully available to fans and followers when they were being written.
4) I have made no edits to any of these blog screenshots aside from cropping them to make them look cleaner. You can check that in the file information. That being said, all of the words written are Sqaishey’s. I’d also like to apologize in advance for my teenage self not taking better screenshots of the blog- I’ve done what I can by cropping them, but I’m sorry if the reading experience is janky in any way.
5) In the description, you can see that I only have most of the 30 blogs written- I’m missing three. If you have any screenshots of #28 “Today” (written 10/10/19), #29 “Progress” (written 2/2/20), and/or #30 “Comfort” (written 2/25/20), I’d really appreciate if you could send them to me through either the askbox or the submission tab. I’ll also take screenshots of the blog’s original homepage and about sections.
6) As a final note, as much as I think these blogs should still be publicly available, if Sqaishey themself asks me to take down the blog, I will.
And that’s it! Go ham and read/share as much as you like. I’m also all for people discussing these old blogs in the tags (?? I think that’s what it is, I don’t know how tumblr works yet) so feel free to voice any thoughts/opinions you have so long as they’re mindful of pronouns/names and whatnot. Thanks for reading this post.
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thundergoodspeed · 1 year
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the 'community label: everyone' has been added to all posts on the website including those made prior to the update. go to any inactive blog on dash mode and click on the three dots and it's there regardless of when the post was made.
gonna go ahead and add the screenshot you (i assume it's you? or someone else not on anon, just lemme blur out names real quick) sent me in submissions
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i stand corrected. i appreciate the screenshot, i honestly didn't know where to find that. so i did double check on a couple other blogs, mine and a friend's, to back this up, and i'm just gonna go ahead and retract my statement.
you know, still leave it up, because i'm not a dirty deleter lol. i can be wrong, and i can admit it.
all this to say we still have no idea whether or not sheep had their pronouns available this whole time. and reading a couple posts from the blog the submission was sent from, yes, having bpd is no joke, but it's also not an excuse to make a whole callout blog blaming and calling out several people whose only crime was talking to someone who hurt their feelings. i've read all the screenshots and i can see why someone would feel hurt but at the same time, that freaking blog and its accompanying docs are way too far. especially since i know one of the contributors is someone i am personally afraid of dropping ip addresses. sure, you can block someone using that ip address. you can also find a hell of a lot more and i don't want people finding my personal information just because someone on the other side of the states doesn't like me.
you cannot expect someone to get your pronouns right if you never tell them what they are.
you cannot expect someone to be perfect.
star always gets my pronouns right and i honestly don't think i ever straight-up told her what they were, so i can safely say that as long as she actually has the information there's at least one trans person she doesn't misgender, so you can't outright call her transphobic. you can say she fucked up, like everyone fucks up. i've fucked up. i'm sure you have, on some level. fucking up and growing from it is what makes us human.
again, my whole point in all of this is to urge people to do more research before making an executive decision. and be open to being wrong. this isn't black and white and i'm tired of everyone pretending it is.
i'm a 31 year old, genderfluid he/they with autism and anxiety and i'm freaking tired.
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monoscapism · 3 years
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The two just got home from grocery shopping and the first thing they see was...
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I actually tried making a "big" art but a fake anime screenshot sounds good too
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A repost cuz my dumbass forgot the I in Mammon's dialogue pls let me hide this unneeded humiliation
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janiedean · 3 years
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I feel bad for all the nice J*nsa shippers who like their ship for whatever reasons (tropes, pretty art, aesthetic appeal, whatever) and know it's not canon but get associated with the misogynistic Dany hating crowd who act like Jon being attracted to Ygritte is J*nsa foreshadowing because red hair (I guess Jon should fuck Edmure Tully too? Omg give me Dark!Jon getting revenge on Catelyn by seducing her brother!) Tell me something. I'm new to the fandom but was J*nsa popular before the show? And I've heard something about the OG J*nsa shippers being alienated by the new shippers who insisted it had to be canon and acted like the series is called, "A song of J*nsa #danysux." I don't find that hard to believe because I know people who are now ashamed of calling themselves J*nsa shippers. Like, at this point, it's not only rival shippers who hate it. Even Gendrya/Braime/Jon stans/etc have started disliking that ship. You know your fandom is a problem when people who have nothing to do with Jnsa have a problem with it.
me: reads this ask
me: iwastheregandalf.gif which I can't find now but
okay anon buckle up because I am sadly well-equipped to answer this ask but before I do lemme tell you dark jon seducing edmure to take revenge on cat is LITERALLY THE BEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD but *clears throat* ALL RIGHT THEN.
disclaimer: as anon says I have no issue with like the shippers mentioned by anon in the beginning and ngl I agree, I have ABSOLUTELY ZERO FUCKING STAKES in the j*nsa vs j*nerys war and the only het jon ship I gaf about is jon/ygritte and we all know where that ended up I just... have been here since 2011/adwd was over and all the fic around was just for the books under secret lj communities and asoiaf qualified for yuletide and I have... seen... things.... and I actually have like uh had... beef... with some people in there and I know things bc ppl who hated those others told me stuff so anyway *sigh* buckle up anon I'mma tell you the story of jon shipwars through the years
in order, the old gods help me here, under the cut bc this is long as fuck
when I got into fandom also given what numbers were on ao3 one ship was popular and it was sansan. no like sansan was lit. the only asoiaf ship on ao3 with more than 200 fics. jb had twenty when i checked first. jc had like around 100-ish because of the show but sansan dwarfed anything. I posted the first jon/ygritte fic on the ao3 tag and the fourth throbb fic and like the others were all reposts from lj kinkmemes. nothing was popular before the show except for sansan when it comes to huge numbers bc grrm doesn't like fic and it was all hush hush until the show made it impossible to control and that ship was the one with a huge enough fanbase it actually had numbers, so like... j*nsa wasn't popular in the way nothing else was popular until it got screentime on the show
now, that stated, j*nsa had a... fair amount of fic for a rareship which was mostly book-based and from og shippers that were there from before the show and liked it for what it was but literally none of them thought it was gonna be canon, like it wasn't huge or anything but it had a small but dedicated fanbase who did their own thing and thought it was fun/liked the idea but that was it
that fandom had their own niche of hcs that they cultivated and shit except that like... at the end of S5/beginning of S6 there was a surge in shipping for... well obvious reasons bc it was obv sansa was getting to the wall and that would have been all nice and good but a) it was the time puritanical shipping was starting to take root and the 'shipping sansa with sandor or tyrion is hella problematic' rhetoric had started to circle coming from sans*ery shippers mostly but I'mma not open that fucking can of worms here, b) while the ending of S5 had more of a theon/sansa spike, the j*nsa stuff started getting big
now here we have to mention my villain origin story ie: j*nsa fandom had this one stan whose name I won't make because honestly it's been years and if she's still around I don't want her to remember I exist who was a bnf, wrote for... the website that created the whole larry/carol thing etc who was really fixed on this thing that j*nsa was actually canon and started writing extremely popular meta about it. now you're gonna ask how do you know, I know because this person once wrote a meta named 'why robb stark is a dick' and I told her that it was really fucking bad meta and she took it so badly she kept on trash talking me on her blog/her podcast (I was apparently the insane robb stark fangirl l m a o good lord) and like that was when some sane ppl who argued with her informed me in pvt that she was basically harping on the CANON thing when they'd have been okay with like... it being crackshipping and that she was basically cultivating a hoarde of followers who were harping on them/the ogs and basically ostracizing them;
I would like to add that this person - before her tumblr got 'accidentally deleted' and remade it therefore deleted most receipts for, er, her so-called meta which included stuff like ned and cat raised sansa as a sexual object and only wanted to sell her like cattle - had at some point started a round robin fic thing where... some of the characters mocked openly said stuff that some of the og fans had said specifically targeting them and people in that side basically went harassing anyone who didn't agree with that specific notion
now never mind that this person basically coined an entire term to describe ppl who liked white guys and excused all their wrongdoings out of my conversation re robb basically lying about everything I said as if I didn't have the receipts and tried to sell shirts with it and it didn't work and like then she got kicked out of her own website because she was telling her commenters disagreeing pretty shitty insults (considering I was called psychotic for disagreeing with her that time I don't doubt it) I think at some point she stepped back from fandom bc idk wtf she's up to these days and I don't want to, but basically at that point the dam was broken and there was a bunch of puritanical shippers harping on anyone who didn't agree with j*nsa is canon endgame stuff
this also includes an incident when those ppl were like... passing themselves as throbb shippers and ended up trying to tell t*hramsay shippers off the theon tag based on moral reasons and I ended up arguing with all of them (and they were all from that crowd) which in turn landed me in contact with other og j*nsa shippers who were like detached from that fandom bc those same people harassed them away as well ssooooo fun
anyway when S6 happened everyone was high on it and whatnot but I wasn't gonna begrudge them that I mean... you shipped it for years, canon is delivering you, good for you, but then j*nerys happened
god j*nerys happened
aaand basically...... I mean personally I was there like are y'all seriously arguing about the best incest jon ship out there but like basically the j*nsa endgame side was like AH JON IS PLAYING DANY SEE IF IT DOESN'T HAPPEN, the j*nerys obv got defensive af and both sides were sort of alternatively shitting on jon/ygritte anyway and depicting any other romantic rship jon could have as abusive™ and during S8 it just got worse and like I tried to stay out of it but basically from what I'm seeing now idk how the j*neryses are doing but on the j*nsa one it's ah jon's gonna play dany anyway and she's going to go insane like in the show so SHOW TRUTHING EVERY OTHER WAY and like again denying that sandor exists or that tyrion exists and like I barely touch my corner (sansan) but I ended up arguing with j*nsa/th*nsa people on twitter who were antis and is2g it was white-hair inducing and I know for sure the sansa/tyrion shippers were harassed to hell and back throughout so FUN
and even if the show didn't go there now since everyone there banked on the jnsa endgame thing and admitting you're wrong is like... not a thing, they still haven't let go of it and attach to that ship any shred of evidence which honestly is grasping at straws half of the time (like... the sansa/alysanne parallels like guys please no) and which is why every other ship is starting to get fed up, attaching canon proof of stuff from other ships onto theirs see that batb argument and jb is platonic but jonsa is not nvm taking all the sansan stuff and throwing it on j*nsa but then denying that sansan has canon evidence (like guys I had to read sansa touching his shoulder when saying gregor wasn't a true knight wasn't meaningful and we were seeing things please) and blah blah blah
this also goes hand in hand with the fixation on like... villanizing dany at all costs and like is2g I have zero investment in dany or her storyline I don't even remember it and I don't particularly care abt her either way and sure af I'm not for j*nerys endgame but like.... some stuff I read is completely excessive esp when fixing on how she's a completely mad tyrant who's gonna have to be put down and like... guys no
(also there's some srs stannis hate in that corner which I honestly don't get why they even care abt stannis but I had to read stuff like ppl don't recognize that dany and stannis are the real villains in this saga and like........ idek)
I think most of the og shippers are gone or don't ship it openly bc they don't want to be attached to the drama but like I also think they're pissing off everyone else bc like... I mean a bunch of them also were down with sansa being paired with other ppl as long as it meant a good ending for her except those ppl were... like everyone but the ppl she has actual contact with in canon which meant that at some point sansa/gendry was a thing and like.... you can imagine why arya/gendry shippers & arya stans were fed up, and there's also this tendency to behave like sansa is the center of the entire saga which like these books is named a song of jon snow basically can we pls make peace with it and personally I've had it with both j*nsa and j*nerys people since they started with that dumbass JON/YGRITTE WAS AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP rhetoric but I'm also fed up with the total ignoring that sandor exists/depicting us as delusional and honestly I also was by proxy fed up from the harassing of the sansa/tyrion shippers soooooooooooo
there were also instances of 'well theon is an acceptable choice other than jon bc he can't threaten her' which... i mean we all know what that meant and I'm not even commenting it bc it's one AM and I have no force to but I don't have to explain why it's not a progressive take now do I
there were also metas about how cousin incest being legal in half of the world means that jondany is a worse incest and j*nsa doesn't count as such and I was basically there like guys please just fucking own up to it but honestly I chose to forgot where I read that and I couldn't find the link if I tried
tldr: no one wants to admit that it's not gonna be endgame which considering the amount of fic they have on ao3 is imvho useless bc they have more content than like.. anything I ship that's not jb or that's actually like canon *cries in joncon/rhaegar but I mean renly/loras is canon and has less fic than them* so idk what's the problem with enjoying that instead of insisting it's gonna be canon when not even the show validated it while show truthing anyway when the only show truthing that can be truthed is the small council made of minorities and possibly jon eventually fucking off with the wildlings but not like that but like most people who thought it wasn't gonna be endgame had left/were made to leave by the time S7 rolled by and at this point since wow isn't out yet everyone is fandom-grasping at straws to find stuff to discourse on and we're here beating dead horses *shrug*
so that's... how it is but I would again like to point out that I don't judge ppl on their shipping, I don't particularly care about this entire feud bc I only ship jon with ppl he's not related to in whichever way and I try to stay out of this mess bc I don't really care to argue with ppl who have already decided to bend canon to whatever they want and will have to realize that it's not what grrm wrote at some point but like I have a very good memory and the above rant is as objective as possible also bc again I don't literally have a stake in that race I just think romantic/endgame j*nsa is not a thing and that ppl should stay in their lane and not harping on other ppl who ship whatever in general but especially when their ship is the most popular thing in fandom in the first place /two cents
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I’m sorry
I’m sorry to my followers, my mutuals, and most of all, to put I call friends. I’m so, so sorry
I know at least one person’s going to want to reblog this, saying that I’m not a shitty person. Well, this post is for you I guess. I hate just being here, trying to convince myself and others that I’m a good person, but really I’m not. I’ve ruined potential friendships and actual friendships over and over again. All because I want people to validate me, because I want people to pay attention to me, because I think that what I think needs to be shared with everyone.
I’ve wasted people’s energy, time, and I think I might have ruined at least one person’s offline life because I thought I could help them when I had no place to do so.
If for whatever reason you don’t think I’m awful after this, well I guess I can’t stop you. But I hope that this might finally get people to recognize that I’m not someone worth supporting. Enjoy my content if you want, but don’t pretend that I am, by myself, an enjoyable person.
1. My “contribution” to the Zoophobia fandom
You know, there’s nothing on my blog that I’m more ashamed of than my Zoophobia critiques? Back when I first started on tumblr, my pretentious ass thought that I was going to be super special and become “a zp critic who didn’t hate Vivziepop and enjoyed her content”.
Yes, I was that up my own ass.
At the time, the only zp critics I knew of were the ones on the bad wiki forums and the late Zoophobia Critiques account. Which, for the record, I still agree that a lot of the criticism gave there was super spiteful and overblown. I gave the excuse that we could learn how to improve our own writing by analyzing works we love when I was criticizing a 4 and a half chapter webcomic the creator wasn’t proud of.
You know, I’m at a loss for how nobody has called my critiques out for being misinformed, disorganized, poorly spelt, and like someone who just heard of writing criticism and was parroting stuff they heard on a YouTube video. My criticism of how Addison’s ptsd was handled was disgusting, and my criticism of Jack was vague and was clearly a reach.
And my non critical Zoophobia content wasn’t even that good. I made a bunch of nothing posts that only discussed a couple or one character ever, and they were so stupid.
Then there’s how I acted during the pre Hazbin Hotel Vivziepop drama. You know, where I acted like a deluded three year old? Voicing “my concerns”, and totally not babbling a bunch of nonsense and pushing it onto others. I remember how one former mutual of mine, Lisaury, rightfully “burst my bubble” (that’s how they put it) by pointing out my flawed information.
I honestly don’t blame Lisaury for never talking to me again. God, I barely spoke to her to begin with. Just sent her worthless post after worthless post.
My “criticisms” of Vivziepop were idiotic at best, and now? Zoophobia and criticism of it may have resurfaced thanks to Bad Luck Jack, but this only made me realize how nothing my posts were.
Other critics would just call me a wishy washy sheep, and fans would rightfully see me as an idiot if I posted now what I posted then. Ever since the short, I’ve been fearful of someone finally pointing out my bullshit, making it clear to everyone how awful my content was. And I feared it because I knew it was true. I just didn’t want other people to realize it.
Fuck, you’d at least expect someone to notice how much of a dickhead I was when critiquing people’s fanfics.
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2. Art / characters
In 2020, someone invited me to join an art discord, and I created an account to do so. This discord had actual artists, many who had been to art school. So when my self taught, delusional self posted art into a criticism channel, they rightfully tore it to shreds. Called it out for the lacklustre, mediocre anime garbage it was. Gave me advice, and pointed out exactly what was wrong with it. One person made a very accurate description of it. “It looks like something someone drew on those shitty phone apps without a pencil”. And they were right.
And how did I react?
I had a meltdown, deleted a bunch of my art and posts, ran crying to a bunch of people, desperate for validation, because I, someone who made criticism posts, couldn’t handle actual criticism. And the same group rightfully called me out on it. I lost the log in info for my first account, so I don’t interact with that group anymore, but I should have listened. They rightfully pointed out how all my male characters looked like traps and how my art lacked any artistic skill. And what did I do? I screenshoted what they said and showed it to others, like “omg, pity me!”
I can’t look at my old art without wanting to vomit. I still can’t understand how anyone can enjoy what I make, despite people telling me that they do. Especially when they make better art than I ever could.
And despite how shit it looks, I just shove art and all posts I make in people’s face, because they “have to look at it and pay attention to it”
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3. Such a great “friend”
I don’t have conversations with people anymore. The majority of my Tumblr conversations are filled with me sending post after post after post, weeks with just my fucking stupid posts, because they totally matter so much. I barely have any conversations with anyone anymore, and I don’t even return the favour of reblogging their content. Because after all, I need my friends with bigger follow counts to reblog my stuff. That’s the only way my posts get attention and I get validation, after all. Seriously, look at posts reblogged by eclecticcoyote, and compare the notes there to those he doesn’t.
If I didn’t constantly send people like him posts, expecting a reblog, I probably wouldn’t have followers. I know my content wouldn’t get any attention without his help, and I feel disgusting because it just feels like I’m taking advantage of someone’s audience.
Although it’s probably better I don’t talk to people whatsoever. One friend I have... well had, I don’t expect him to contact me ever again. I’ll refer to him as B for now. B was dealing with issues related to his mental health and offline life. I initially reached out to him after he made a post about having no friends
And then I didn’t message him for a while and was surprised when he told coyote that he felt like I didn’t care about him.
I started crying at him like “I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry” (no I’m not kidding). I ended up talking with him through several emotional break downs, because I didn’t want him to kill himself. I had the nerve to talk like I knew what I was talking about during those times. I gave unhelpful advice, like “go for a run”, “punch a pillow”, etc. Hell, one time, I had the audacity to say that it felt impossible to talk to him because it didn’t seem like he wanted to listen to people trying to help him, and that he only heard what he wanted to hear.
And I shoved my personal issues onto him as well. Because, again, my life is so important.
Then, at some point he developed feelings for me. I don’t feel the same way about him. And at this point, he sees me as one of the people who have helped him out the most with his issues (ironic, considering how I likely just made his life worse). So, what did I do when he confessed to me?
Oh, you know, instead of being mature and responsible, I panicked, got another friend involved because “I don’t know how to deal with this 😭😭😭”, made B upset and depressed all over again, and I basically got someone else involved in what was a personal moment for him, betraying his trust and throwing privacy out the window.
I tried to apologize the next morning, but it was too late. I honestly hope he doesn’t try to contact me again, and realize that I have, and can only make his life worse.
I constantly keep freezing out friendships on here by not actually talking to people and just sending them post after post. Recently, one person who reached out to me and tried to be my friend? Looking at past conversations with her, I come off as disinterested in her and dismissive. I might not have intended to, but...
Oh, and then Coyote invited me to his discord server. I recently started deleting all my posts on there, so that nobody would have to waste time scrolling through my bullshit. I shit you not, I would go on essay long tangents about my characters and art, while, comparatively, the attention I gave to others’ content was close to none. And in the first couple months there? I still tried to help people when I clearly couldn’t.
For fucks sake, I even dragged people there into my own personal irl drama when they didn’t need it. The night I self harmed in front of my parents, I should have kept it to myself because I. Knew. That people there would become distressed by it. But nope, because my problems are so important.
I would say dumb shit that ended up upsetting people, I would post over people, and overall just act like a self entitled, annoying bitch.
Just yesterday? Someone I considered my friend shared an image of some characters of hers that were in a polyamourous relationship. And what did my dumbass do?
“You know, I find people in poly relationships admirable bc I have trouble hanging out with more than one person irl bc lol social anxiety and lalala, lemme make this all about meee~!”
And then someone replied saying that they don’t understand poly relationships but support them, then I’m pretty sure the who posted the picture got uncomfortable at that point.
And wouldn’t you know it, recently that person announced that they were taking a break, which hey fine, and they mentioned that some of the stuff said on the discord was upsetting them.
Gee, I wonder who contributed to that?
And then there’s my constant validation seeking, me being silly during situations where the person needs me to be serious, my overall inability to respond in a way someone should whenever people don’t enjoy things I suggest or share...
-
Look, maybe I’m overreacting and being stupid. Wouldn’t surprise me. I currently have no friends outside of discord and tumblr, and I’m constantly disappointing my family and everyone around me by always failing at everything no matter what.
I just don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I don’t even know if this is just me attempting to get validation or what.
I just... can’t do anything. I can’t trust myself to do anything. If someone requests that I do something, then fine I guess, but
I don’t want to hurt anyone else
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kaesaaurelia · 4 years
Text
should auld acquaintance be forgot
This is a rough draft of the first chapter of a fic I’m writing, which will be called Hustler’s Blood.  It is Aziraphale/Crowley, with numerous OCs and historical figures, and is set in 1926 in Chicago, although it starts on December 31, 1925.
I’ve posted the first scene here before, as well as a few other bits and pieces, but since it’s New Year’s Eve and the fic starts on New Year’s Eve, and also since it’s my birthday and I just wanna, I’m going to share the whole first chapter here.
(I’ve been serializing it on fail_fandomanon but I’m a little over 100k words into writing it and it’s just reached the middle of the plot so it’s a lot to catch up on at the moment.)
6,666 words.  (There were 6667 but it was too perfect, so I deleted one.)  Small content warning for brief mention of pet death and resurrection.
Aziraphale looked right, then left, then walked into the dark alley in front of him. It was the fifth place he'd tried that evening, and the twelfth since he'd arrived in Chicago. Heaven had sent him to thwart Crowley's terrible wiles and keep him from pulling this entire city into Hell with him, but if even half of what he'd seen had been Crowley's doing, Aziraphale was going to be very impressed, and also extremely annoyed at his violation of the Arrangement.  Then, maybe it was rowdier than usual right now; it was New Year's Eve, after all.  Maybe things calmed down.
He knocked on the nondescript door in front of him. A hatch in the door slid back, revealing a suspicious-looking pair of eyes. "Yeah?" said the young man behind the door.
"Ah! Hello, thank you, the password is..." Aziraphale reached into the man's mind and plucked it out. "...Mirage."
The hatch clicked shut, the door swung open, and Aziraphale walked in. "Thank you!" he told the doorman, and looked at the scene in front of him. People were laughing and drinking and smoking and generally having a lovely time, although there was much more close dancing than was probably strictly necessary, and of course it was all dreadfully illegal and Aziraphale therefore disapproved wholeheartedly. He looked around for Crowley, or, failing that, a menu. He could really use a nice drink.
Aziraphale handed his coat and hat off to the coat-check girl, then returned to the door.  "Young man, I don't suppose you've seen my... acquaintance anywhere in here, have you?  Dark glasses, red hair... doesn't seem to know how to walk?"  Whatever form Crowley had taken probably had those three attributes.  Unless he'd been discorporated in the war.  Oh dear.  What if Crowley had an entirely new form?  Not that it was any business of Aziraphale's, of course, but it would make him much more difficult to find.
"You lookin' for Mr. Crowley?" said the young man. "You sure?" Behind him, the fistfight had metastasized into a brawl between four or five barflies.
"That's the one, yes! Where is he?" asked Aziraphale.
"Look, mister, I'm here to keep the trouble to a minimum --" Aziraphale somewhat doubted this, as no one had moved to break up the fight -- indeed, the patrons were cheering on their favorites and making bets "-- and I'd love to help ya out, but Mr. Crowley is kinda, uhh... he ain't gonna be happy if he don't know you, and I hear he's a lot of trouble if you do."
"I've known him for quite a long time. Trust me, I am aware," said Aziraphale. He smiled patiently, and waited for the boy to get on with getting him Crowley.
Aziraphale sensed a familiar twinge in the fabric of reality as the brawl ended abruptly. The last man standing cheered, and he could see money changing hands between winners of bets. "Well, uh... lemme see what I can do, okay?" said the doorman. "No promises."
"Oh, I don't think you'll need to go get him," said Aziraphale, for he could see a familiar swaggering figure coming towards them, pocketing a fistful of green paper and peering through dark glasses at the doorman.
"My ears were burning, is there something -- Aziraphale!" he said, breaking into a grin that made odd things happen in Aziraphale's chest. "How the Heaven have you been? He's okay, he's an old, old friend," he said, waving the doorman away.  He turned back to Aziraphale, still grinning.  "Hey! Come on to the bar, I'll buy you a drink!  Didn't think you'd turn up here."
"No, I would imagine not," said Aziraphale, trying to maintain an air of polite disapproval. "What happened to the Arrangement?" he whispered.
"Relax, angel, I haven't been doing anything," said Crowley, guiding him towards the bar.
Aziraphale glared at him, but followed. "You have!  You ended that fight early just now."
Crowley shrugged. "Would've gone that way anyway, though, eventually. I just sped it up a bit. What are you here for, anyway?"
"I was sent by Heaven to thwart whatever nasty things you're doing here," said Aziraphale. "Gabriel was very cross with me when he'd found out I lost track of you. Why didn't you tell me you'd left London? How long have you been here?"
"Why would I tell you?" Crowley asked. He was no longer grinning. "I thought you were sick of all that... hmm, what did you call it? Fraternizing."
Aziraphale stared at him, open-mouthed. "What -- that's not -- I didn't mean -- what about our Arrangement?"
"Well, since you called it off --"
"I did not! And anyway, you were sulking and I tried to wake you up but --"
"So are you saying you'd like to pick up where we left off?" Aziraphale wished he wasn't wearing those dark glasses, because then he might be able to tell what was going on in Crowley's head. Aziraphale thought he sounded hopeful, but maybe that was just wishful thinking.
"I..." He's tempting me, Aziraphale thought. He's only tempting me, and I should do my job properly, and I should never even have let on that I was here.
Crowley watched him silently.
"I -- I do, yes," Aziraphale admitted. The grin on Crowley's face made him feel a lot better about being a failure of an angel, though.
"Well, that's all right, then! Come on, I'll get you that drink."
"Are the drinks here any good?" Aziraphale asked.
"Mmmh." He made a sort of ambivalent whole body wriggle. "The recipes are good, but the alcohol they're working with is terrible. Been trying to fix that, but there's only so much you can do. Free will and all that. They keep cutting my stuff with drain cleaner and gasoline."  He made a face.  "At least I can report it as a success downstairs.  I'll see that you get something you like, though."  He sat down at the bar.
Aziraphale sat next to him, and it was remarkable how much better he felt now.  Wandering a strange city full of hooligans was all well and fine, but meeting up for drinks with Crowley was safe.  Crowley called over the barman.  "Oi, Pete!  Get me another old fashioned, and a gin fizz for my friend here!"
They weren't even supposed to be friends.
He's just tempting me, Aziraphale reminded himself again.  The problem was, all too often, it worked.
---
Crowley had been telling himself he was having a grand old time for the past few years, and especially this evening. Drinking alone was just how he happened to enjoy spending the evening. On New Year's Eve. It was fine. He'd picked the most raucous hole-in-the-wall he knew, or at least the most raucous one where they all knew him as Anthony Crowley and not any of his other aliases, and he had at least been enjoying seeing everyone reveling in ways they weren't supposed to.
(He'd been spending most of his free time as Anthony Crowley.  He had three other aliases, all with slightly different faces and bodies, but sometimes the roles he'd chosen for himself got tiring, and he'd... well, wanted to be recognized.  By anyone who happened to know him under that name.  Not specifically Aziraphale, but should Aziraphale come and check in on him, Crowley felt he shouldn't make it too hard for the poor bastard to see just how well Crowley was doing without him.)
If he was honest with himself (and he tried not to be) seeing all these attractive people with their equally attractive companions for the evening made him a little bit lonely.  He'd watched two couples break up tonight and another get together, and near the back of the room there was a group of three who seemed to be aiming to be more than friends by the first dawn of 1926.  He'd considered finding somebody, just for the night, but nobody really appealed.
Then the door had opened, and a chill wind had carried a slight scent of vellum and sanctimony to him, and he knew without turning around that Aziraphale was here. So he'd thrown his voice, whispered some insults from one zozzled patron to another, and started a fight so he had an excuse to not turn and look at the newcomer, to be totally absorbed in this fight, to make a bet...
And then he really, really wanted to know what Aziraphale was doing here. And to see him. And to talk to him. And to watch him try a really good cocktail and show him all the best restaurants in town and take him to concerts and impress him with how very well-connected and influential Crowley was now that he'd been free of the Arrangement for sixty-four years.
So he'd ended the fight with a snap of his fingers, collected his winnings, tried very hard to look suave, and then failed as soon as he actually set eyes on Aziraphale.  And now he was buying drinks. Well, not buying, precisely, but he was putting forth the fiction that at some point he would be paying for said drinks, and Aziraphale politely pretended to believe that.
"Ooh, this is good!" Aziraphale said, after a sip or two of his gin fizz.
"How long have you been in town?" Crowley asked.
"A few days. I spent Christmas on a ship to New York." Aziraphale wrinkled his nose. "It was a bit much. The food was good, though. You?"
"Oh, I've been here a few years. They wanted me to be sure the States didn't become a bastion of holiness overnight just because of this Prohibition nonsense."
"And?" Aziraphale asked.
"I traveled around, saw that humans still don't need much help humaning, and settled in here to take credit for whatever horrible thing they came up with next. Considered New York, stayed in LA for a few months, tried out New Orleans -- you really need to get down to New Orleans, angel, it's amazing, you'd love the food -- but this seemed to be the best place to hang around and watch everything go to Hell in a handbasket. Not so much going on that I can't keep track of most of it, but definitely plenty of havoc to be had. I did think I'd made an awful mistake in '23, because they elected a mayor who I think might actually... not be a crook --"
"Is that unusual here?" Aziraphale asked.
Crowley snorted.  "Don't really pay that much attention usually, but everybody was so impressed with themselves for voting for somebody decent that I got worried."
"Ah, well."  He took a thoughtful sip of his drink.  "So what happened to him?"
Crowley laughed harder, and shook his head.  "That's the best part, angel!  The poor bastard's still mayor.  Everything he does to clean up the mess just makes everything worse!  I don't have to do a blessed thing.  I just write my reports and enjoy the show."
"Oh dear," said Aziraphale.  "You know, my lot think you've ruined this city personally."
"Nah," said Crowley, shaking his head.  "Barely touched it, really.  It was broken when I found it."  He shrugged.  "Fun, though.  So, what, did they send you here to clean my mess up?"
Aziraphale nodded.  He stared at his glass contemplatively.  Crowley watched him, wondering whether he saw it as half-empty or half-full.  Finally, he said, "I was worried about you, you know."
Of all the things Crowley had been prepared to hear Aziraphale say to him about their long absence from each other's company, this wasn't it.  "Worried?  What?  You were worried?  About me?"
"Well, you..."  Aziraphale trailed off.  "After our... misunderstanding, I stopped seeing you anywhere, so I --"  He was avoiding Crowley's eye now, looking over his shoulder at the other bar patrons.  "I checked in on you.  I -- I don't know if you remember..."  He looked down at his drink again.  Definitely half-empty, if Crowley was any judge of expressions.
"I don't," Crowley said softly.  He hadn't realized Aziraphale would care that much.  Or at all, really, given their last conversation.
An uneasy silence lay between them.  Finally, Aziraphale said, "And then when the war started up you were nowhere and I found a bunch of complete strangers living there!"
The expression on Aziraphale's face made him want to reassure, to apologize, to comfort.  To stop being everything he was.  "I thought you didn't want me hanging around anymore, that's all," he said.  "I thought you were done with our Arrangement.  And war is hell, so... I had a job to do."
"In the war," Aziraphale started, and then paused.  "Did you --"
"No, angel," he said, rolling his eyes.  "I didn't start the war, I didn't do much to make it worse, and frankly I don't know if I could have made it any worse than it was going to be already.  I did take credit for it because it got my head office off my back for a few years, and if you're going to judge me for that --"
"Crowley," said Aziraphale, looking wounded.  "I was only going to ask if you had to see much of the front."
"Oh."  Crowley took a long swallow of his old fashioned then, so as to avoid looking Aziraphale in the eye, not that Aziraphale could see his eyes.  (Thank Satan for small mercies.)  "Yeah.  I saw... enough."
"I'm sorry," said Aziraphale.
"Don't be.  Don't think I was ever really in danger, I just hung about asking questions, trying to get people to disobey orders, slack off...."
Aziraphale stared at him.  "That wasn't you, was it?  In 1914?"  Crowley frowned at him.  "Christmas?"
"That?  I thought that must be you!" said Crowley.  "Seemed exactly like something you'd come up with except for the football part, although I did wonder how you'd managed it.  Don't know how I'd even pull off something that big," he admitted.  "No, it wasn't me.  How could I possibly justify that to Downstairs?  It was so treacly too, and on Christmas.  Eugh."
"It most definitely was not," said Aziraphale.  "I got a very angry letter about it from Gabriel.  I'd sort of hoped it was you.  I thought... you know, you'd like people questioning authority and not doing their jobs, even if their jobs were murdering each other.  But I didn't tell Gabriel that, of course."
Crowley took another swallow of his drink, and said "Gabriel's a wanker."
"Crowley..."
"He is.  I loathe him and I think I've only ever met him properly once, but everything you tell me is always awful."  Crowley finished off his drink and waved the bartender over to get another one.  "He got angry at you for it?  What, did it show up in his miracle queue under your name by mistake?  Or however that works."
"He said it didn't show up at all and asked if I knew of any rogue angels operating on the Western Front.  I suppose I was the nearest agent they had.  I was... not really asked to leave London but I felt I should check in on the front every now and again.  You know, do some rounds at some hospitals.  Brush up on my French and German."  Aziraphale could have been discorporated, Crowley thought.  It was probably a good thing he hadn't known about it until now, although part of him mourned the loss of an opportunity to sweep in and be very impressive and good-looking and save Aziraphale's life.
He didn't want to think about all of that now, so he turned the conversation back to 1914.  "So... nobody did the truce, then?" Crowley asked.
"Humans did it," said Aziraphale.  "Must have.  Nobody else was involved.  Unless one of your lot had a very strange change of heart --"
"They didn't," said Crowley.
"-- or one of my lot thought, you know what, today I'm going to upset the Archangel Gabriel, it'll be fun!" concluded Aziraphale.
"Well.  Maybe.  I would.  I bet it would be fun," said Crowley.
"Yes, but you're a demon," Aziraphale insisted, in that infuriating tone of voice that suggested maybe Crowley had forgot.
Crowley ignored him.  "Why didn't they want it happening?  Really seems it ought to be right up your lot's alley."
Aziraphale shrugged.  "Wasn't part of the plan, I suppose.  Gabriel didn't really specify.  It is, after all --"
"Ineffable," Crowley finished for him, rolling his eyes.
Aziraphale made no reply.  He finished off his gin fizz instead.
"You can't plan for humans, that's the trouble," said Crowley.  "All you can do is plan for them to go haring off in some wild direction --"
"And whose fault is that?" Aziraphale asked, pointedly.
Crowley glared.  "I didn't make her eat the apple, you know.  Still don't see what's so bad about knowing the difference between good and evil.  For one thing, I'm not sure it took."
Aziraphale sighed.  "Much as I hate to admit it, you may have a point, my dear."
---
They soon got to reminiscing about times past, drinks past, temptations and miracles past, and somewhere after his sixth or seventh or... possibly tenth drink, Aziraphale stopped feeling guilty and let himself just feel warm and happy in this boozy, smoky barroom.  These newfangled sugary drinks really weren't as bad as he'd assumed they would be, and the people here seemed to be having such a good time.  It was a shame it was all illegal, and also apparently immoral.  Aziraphale was enjoying listening to Crowley tell a complicated story about an enterprising fellow he'd met in Cincinnati.
They both looked up from their conversation when a young lady shouted "Hey, it's almost midnight!" from one of the tables near the back of the room.
"Oh, are they going to be counting down to midnight?" Aziraphale asked.
"I s'pose so," said Crowley.  "In New York they have this... ball."
"Oh!  Like with masks?" Aziraphale asked.  He'd rather enjoyed those.  All the costumes were so much fun, and the food was usually quite good too.
"No, no, like... big round bastard," said Crowley, with an evocative gesture.  "Falls down at the stroke of midnight."
"Oh," said Aziraphale, frowning.  He tried to picture this, but it still didn't quite make sense.  Not that he was drunk.  As an ethereal being, he could put away a fair amount of alcohol, and all these silly sugary drinks couldn't possibly be very strong.
"You know, like a circle, but more," Crowley added.  His evocative gestures were getting more and more patronizing, and Aziraphale wasn't having it.
"Yes, I know what a sphere is, thank you very much," Aziraphale said.  "Why does it fall down?"
Crowley considered this.  Aziraphale was beginning to think Crowley might be a bit drunk, silly sugary drinks notwithstanding.  "Gravity?"
"So you don't know either," Aziraphale said.
Crowley chose not to answer this.  "I think they used to use them as... as a signal, for ships?  Only the New York one's just a signal for drunk people.  I think... I think they might have one at Greenwich," he said.  "For ships, not drunk people."
Aziraphale felt he was on firmer ground now that they were (conversationally) back in London.  "You know, they moved Greenwich."
"Did they?" Crowley asked.  "That must've been a lot of work.  Where's it now?"
Aziraphale tried to remember.  "Not in Greenwich.  I think it had something to do with trains.  To be perfectly honest I wasn't paying attention."
"I'll have to find out where they put it, then," said Crowley, making a face.
Aziraphale peered at him.  "Crowley, I didn't know you were interested in astrono--"
"I'm not," said Crowley.
Well then.  "So why are you --"
"To avoid it, obviously.  Last thing I want to do, find myself surrounded by a bunch of boffins who think they know everything about the stars."  Crowley somehow managed to visibly roll his eyes despite his dark glasses.
"I didn't know you were so against astronomy," said Aziraphale.
"I'm not against it," snapped Crowley.  "I don't want to talk about it."
"Well... that's fine, then," said Aziraphale.  He wished he hadn't brought it up.  Being back on good terms with Crowley had been so nice, for this evening, and he didn't want to lose that over... astronomy.  "So what happens at midnight?  The ball drops, and...?"
"I think they all kiss each other," said Crowley.  "You know, for luck."
"Oh!"  Aziraphale remembered a little village in Swabia with a tradition like that.  He thought it had been very touching.  Actually, it had been a bit more touching than Aziraphale was entirely happy with, in the press of humans enthusiastic to ensure their luck and their family's and neighbors' luck for the next year, so he'd gone invisible after the first few friendly little pecks on the cheek from people he'd never met, wishing him luck he didn't need.  He'd been biding his time, waiting on the right timing to perform a miracle.  "That's a nice tradition.  A bit lonely, though, if you don't know anybody."
Crowley shrugged.  "I'm a stranger everywhere.  I'm used to it."
Aziraphale realized then how much worse it must be for Crowley, who couldn't even feel the love and happiness of others as they shared their well-wishes en masse, of whom humans' first impressions tended to be untrustworthiness.  "No!  No, you aren't," he said.  "Not really."  He was having trouble putting this into words.  Maybe he had had a few too many drinks.
Crowley frowned at him.  "Sorry?"
Somewhere in the crowd beyond, Aziraphale heard someone shout "Ten!"
"You're not a stranger, Crowley.  Not everywhere," said Aziraphale.  It was, he felt, absolutely vital that Crowley understand this, especially right now.  Aziraphale didn't want to lose him again over astronomy or something stupid like that.
"Nine!"  There were more voices joining in.
"Ah.  Thanks?  How many of those have you had, Aziraphale?" Crowley asked, indicating Aziraphale's empty glass.
"Eight!  Seven!"
Aziraphale was having trouble concentrating on counting the drinks he'd had with everyone shouting numbers around him, so he dismissed this question.  He didn't see how it was relevant anyway.  "That has nothing to do with anything, Crowley," he said, over the entire rest of the room counting down.  "You're not a stranger to me, my dear."
"Aziraphale," Crowley said, sounding worried.
"Four!  Three!"
"You aren't, and you never will be, and I'm sorry we haven't spoken in so long, and --"
"Two!  One!"
Aziraphale decided, at this juncture, that since it was midnight, and since they were among humans who would presumably be expecting it anyway, he might just as well express himself more traditionally, as it were, so he leaned over and kissed Crowley.
His lips tasted like cognac and lemon, and he smelled good -- well, evil, technically, but in a way Aziraphale had always quite liked -- and it was all actually very nice until Crowley pushed him away, and said "Right, then, you'd better sober up."
"I'm sober!  I'm fine!  Can't be much in those drinks anyway, mostly sugar and --"
"Sugar and industrial alcohol, yes," said Crowley.  He stood, a bit wobbly himself.  "I'm sorry, I should have been paying attention --"
"I'm fine, Crowley, I'm not some lightweight," said Aziraphale, and he tried to stand too, but the room was surprisingly spinny and he ended up leaning against Crowley for support.
"Oof.  You definitely aren't," said Crowley, putting an arm around him.  "Come on, you can sober up or I can get you home, but I think you've had enough for now."
"I'm fine," Aziraphale insisted once more.  But, in order to humor Crowley, he tried to extricate the alcohol from his system.  Only it wasn't... normal alcohol, and he was having a bit of trouble, drunk as he was.  "Oh.  Oh dear."  He stumbled forward.  "Oh, you were right.  This is -- this is very strong stuff, Crowley."
Around them, people were singing Auld Lang Syne very badly.  They'd got through old acquaintance being forgot and never brought to mind, and now they were faltering.  Aziraphale considered helping them out, but all he remembered was something about cups of kindness, which he had probably had enough of tonight anyway.
"Come on," said Crowley, gently.  "I'll get you a cab.  Where are you staying?"  He managed to help Aziraphale through the smoky room, and with a snap of his fingers they both had their hats and coats back.
"Not staying anywhere in particular," said Aziraphale.  "I didn't think I'd need to.  Not as if I sleep."
"Ah," said Crowley, frowning.  He went strangely quiet as he held the door for Aziraphale.
The cold wind rushed into the room, crashing over Aziraphale like a wave.  It did clear his mind a bit, at least, as he stumbled into the alleyway.  He paused, waiting for Crowley.
"Well," said Crowley, following him out, "you could... you could stay at my place.  I've got plenty of room."
"Oh, I don't want to put you to any trouble," said Aziraphale, although if the headache he was getting now just from the minuscule amount of alcohol he'd managed to get out of his bloodstream was any indication, he would appreciate somewhere quiet and warm and safe very soon.
"It's no trouble at all," said Crowley, and he sounded like he meant it.
"Oh... fine," said Aziraphale, feeling he had put up enough token resistance to the idea to concede.  He leaned up against Crowley for support again.  "You are... such a good friend."
"I know," said Crowley, sounding miserable.  "Don't rub it in."
"Without you things were very quiet," Aziraphale said.  "Nobody to talk to.  I joined a club and that was all right for a while.  You might've liked it.  Or maybe you would have hated it, I don't know, but it would have been nice to find out."
Crowley sighed.  "I missed you too, angel."
---
The cab ride home was too long for Crowley's taste, but the last time he'd miracled a cab to go faster, the cabbie had panicked and they'd almost crashed, so Crowley put up with it.  He'd never bothered to learn himself; he hadn't enjoyed driving carriages with horses, because... horses, and he assumed cars would be much the same, only even stupider and harder to control.
Aziraphale was drunk.  Aziraphale was drunk and having trouble sobering up -- that was how drunk he was.  Aziraphale had been in the city for two days; had in fact only been in the States for maybe four days.  Had not known what the drinks on order were.  Crowley should've been clearer in his warning about the quality of American alcohol; should have mentioned that the reason they put so much fucking sugar in it these days was because it tasted extremely bad, was possibly laced with poison by the distributor, and occasionally made people go blind.
The actual government had been poisoning it lately too.  Crowley had written an entire report about it; governments murdering their own citizens for their own good always won him praise downstairs.  Well, not praise so much as grudging acknowledgment that that was actually pretty evil.
Anyway, Aziraphale would probably be fine in the morning.  At least, he would be fine physically.
Maybe he wouldn't remember kissing Crowley?
No.  No, Crowley always remembered everything he'd said and done while drunk, unfortunately.  It was probably one of the dubious perks of being a celestial being.  So Aziraphale would remember everything he'd said and did and he'd be horrified at himself.  And he'd be absolutely insufferable towards Crowley.
It hadn't even been a very good kiss, although Crowley felt that was probably because he'd been too surprised to respond in kind.  He looked across the back seat of the cab, to where Aziraphale was watching buildings go past, and decided he didn't dare ask for a do-over.
Hooray, 1926.
Ah, well.  He'd been hoping to invite Aziraphale back to his new digs for a nightcap anyway, so he could rub Aziraphale's face in just how completely, utterly, totally, undeniably, fantastically well Crowley was doing without him, but all those over-earnest pronouncements about what a good friend Crowley was had made him feel rather undemonically guilty about that plan.  He'd expected the Aziraphale who insisted they weren't friends and he'd got beatific smiles and endearments instead.  It had thrown him off.
There was also the matter of sleeping arrangements.  It was quite a large house, but there was only one resident, so Crowley had only bothered to put one bed in it.  Were Aziraphale sober, there was no question what Crowley would have done, given this predicament -- he would have apologized profusely, then suggested they share it, because obviously Crowley didn't have any other furniture at all upon which he could sleep; none of the couches would do, or the arm chairs, or even the pool table, oh no.  Because after all, if he was sober, Aziraphale would probably just opt to sit up and read all night rather than discomfort Crowley in any way.  It was fair if Aziraphale was sober.
(Read what?  Crowley's small and haphazard pile of paperback novels and pulp magazines?  Crowley decided that his first order of business once they pulled up to the house would be to miracle himself a library before Aziraphale could discover the lack of same.  And after that, he would just have to miracle a second bed.)
So Crowley sat in the back of the cab, watching the dark water of the lake lap up against the snowy beach outside, wishing things had gone differently.  He couldn't even put his finger on which things.  Should he have kissed back?  Should he have told Aziraphale he'd better go easy on the cocktails?  Should he have sought him out before sixty-four years had passed?
Maybe he just shouldn't have Fallen.  That would've solved pretty much all of Crowley's current problems neatly, and doubtless replaced them with an entirely different set of insoluble problems, mostly to do with Heaven being full of bastards with all the self-awareness of a chunk of pumice.  Also, he would never have met Aziraphale, so it was a rotten solution anyway.
"What a beautiful night.  From inside of a taxi, at any rate," said Aziraphale, watching the lights of the houses go past.  There were only mansions along this stretch of the road along the lakefront, and every light was blazing.
"From inside a taxi, lots of things are beautiful," said Crowley.  "You don't have to look too closely from inside a taxi."
They drove in silence for a few more minutes.  Crowley tried to watch the scenery passing by on Aziraphale's side, and not look at Aziraphale himself.  Now the mansions had been replaced with greystones and courtyard buildings.  Here and there tipsy people wandered out of buildings, or stared out at the dark, flat lake from chilly balconies.
"Crowley, I haven't ruined your evening, have I?" Aziraphale said, quietly.
The question took him by surprise.  "No!  Why would you say that?"
"Well, I mean, if you had plans..."
You showed up and you made my evening, angel, thought Crowley.  I can ruin my own evenings without you.  Aloud, he said, "I didn't, especially.  Er.  Speaking of plans, have you got any meetings with Head Office scheduled yet, or can we do brunch tomorrow?"
"Oh, heavens no, they're not expecting me to check in for a good long time.  To be -- to be perfectly candid I don't think they expected me to get here so quickly, my dear.  Should have some time to myself.  Brunch would be lovely."
Crowley grinned to himself, then remembered then that he barely knew any restaurants that were open in the daytime, because he only ever really had meals once every two weeks or so.  And surely none of the diners he frequented counted as good, although their rat populations had all taken a drastic hit as soon as Crowley had started coming around when he was peckish.  He'd have to call around to some of the people who showed up at his parties.
He wondered what Aziraphale would think of his parties.  Probably not much.  Not enough food.
He could fix that.
When they got to the house, Aziraphale stumbled out and handed the cabbie a fistful of cash before Crowley could stop him, and they made their way to the front door.  "Quite a house," said Aziraphale, looking up at it.  Crowley could not tell if he was being sarcastic or not.  "Lots of columns," Aziraphale added.  "And stairs."  Crowley realized Aziraphale had fallen behind, and went back to help him up the stairs.  "Thank you," said Aziraphale.  "What do you need so much house for?"
"What does anybody need it for?" Crowley asked, because if Aziraphale was going to be drunkenly judgmental about his house he'd also better sniff superciliously at everyone else in the neighborhood.
"Just asking.  I'm certain it's lovely," Aziraphale said.  He stared up at the house for a moment, and nearly lost his balance.
Crowley caught him and steadied him, then unlocked the door and held it.  "Come on, Aziraphale."
"Oh my," said Aziraphale, leaning against the doorframe and looking up at the vaulted ceiling of the entry.  "Looks almost like a chur--"
"If you must know," said Crowley, guiding him forcefully into the house with an arm around his shoulder, "I need it for parties."
"Parties?" Aziraphale asked.  They continued into the living room.  Crowley quietly added some built-in bookshelves and filled them with books while Aziraphale was looking at the grand piano.  Were those enough?  Aziraphale didn't even look at them as Crowley led him through a corridor and once more offered him help up the stairs.
"Sort of obligatory, parties," said Crowley.  He was trying not to enjoy how Aziraphale was leaning on him.  He could probably offer more support with his arm around Aziraphale's waist, but that seemed... dangerous.  "If you're going to show up out of nowhere being extremely wealthy and mysterious and clever --"
"Who's doing all that, then?" Aziraphale asked.
Crowley pointedly ignored him "-- you've got to throw parties."  They paused at the landing.  "I'm practically carrying you up these stairs, you know, you should be nicer to me."
"I'm always nice, Crowley, I'm an angel.  Who do you invite?" Aziraphale asked.
Crowley made a noncommittal noise.  "I don't really invite people, I just sort of decide, eh, it's been long enough between, let's have a party, and people think I invited them last week and show up, and sometimes they bring a friend or two.  Nobody I already hate, though.  Then I keep them around 'til the neighbors are angry enough to come over, or I'm sick of them, whichever comes first."
Aziraphale tsk'd.  "Poor neighbors."
Crowley left him to hang onto the banister for balance while he went to inspect one particular section of the wood paneling.  There was a forest motif here.  Or rather, a garden motif.  "Oh, don't pity them, angel, they deserve to be upset.  I returned their lost cat once and they've hated me ever since.  Couldn't stand the thought of it rubbing... cat elbows...? with new money.  Somebody'd hit it with a car, too, it was an awful job getting the poor thing back in working order."  Crowley found the tree he was looking for, pressed the third apple up, and the panel swung open.  "Be careful here, there's a step up," he said to Aziraphale.
He'd sort of hoped Aziraphale would say something about the secret door, like maybe, "Oh wow, a secret door," or "What an impressive secret door you have," or perhaps even "Take me now, you beautiful secret door owner!" but Aziraphale seemed unmoved, and merely took his offered hand and stepped through the secret door as if it was a blatant and conspicuous door.  "Well, that is a pity," he said.  "Still, you did them a great kindness."
"Oh, don't, angel, don't act like I did them a favor.  I reanimated their cat.  It's probably haunted or something," said Crowley.  "Perversion of nature, sort of thing."  The cat seemed pretty normal, from what Crowley had seen of it, but sometimes it left eviscerated birds on his doorstep, and tried to trip him when he went out to get the mail.  So probably it'd been a bad deed.  (Crowley did not know much about cats.)
"I don't think that's how it works, my dear," said Aziraphale.  He stumbled a bit, and when Crowley caught him, he beamed apologetically.  "I'm so sorry, you're being terribly hospitable and I'm..."  His face was so close Crowley could feel his breath.
He swallowed, and looked away.  "No problem at all."
They were slowing down now, because Crowley, specifically, was slowing down, because this whole "Oh, by the way, I only have one bed in this whole mansion, whatever shall we do?" conversation felt much less fun to have now that it was imminent.  They'd shared beds before, in other times and places when that was perfectly normal for two man-shaped beings who were merely friendly acquaintances, and it had been... well.  It hadn't been much, but it'd been nice.  This wasn't that, though; this was Aziraphale sloppy-drunk and overaffectionate, who would already wake up the next day and realize he'd done too much.
Crowley finally lost his nerve, and decided he'd have to just make a new bedroom.  There were plenty of other rooms here; it was only that they were unfurnished and completely packed with smuggled liquor.  The Canadian whiskey would be easiest to replace, so he sent a hundred and sixty-one crates of Old Log Cabin into the lake.  Then he realized he didn't know what sort of decor Aziraphale would like, except that probably it would be hideous and incorporate tartan, and he froze up.
"Is everything... all right, Crowley?" Aziraphale asked.
"Fine, just -- fine," said Crowley.  "Which... which bedroom would you like?" he asked.
"What are my options?" said Aziraphale.  "Can I see them?"
"No!" said Crowley.  "I mean.  Not all of them.  It'd take a while.  Just, you know.  Describe... a bedroom."
"It doesn't really matter, Crowley, I just need somewhere to rest while this awful stuff makes its way out of my blood stream," said Aziraphale.  He was frowning at Crowley, which Crowley didn't like, and then suddenly he was smirking at Crowley, which Crowley liked even less.  "Have you got any tartan?"
Crowley knew he had been caught now, but there was nothing for it.  "I might do," he said, faintly.  "What, er, sort of tartan?"
"Oh, there's a lovely pattern I just don't see enough of these days," said Aziraphale, and he went on a long drunken ramble about the particular history of some ill-fated Scottish clan, and by the end of it Crowley still didn't know what bloody colors the tartan was, but he sort of wanted shortbread now.  He managed to get a color scheme out of Aziraphale (red and green, with occasional rogue blues and yellows, because fuck consistency) and tried to make the bedroom cozy, and by the end of it he was slightly regretting dumping all that whiskey into the lake, given that he could use some of it now, and that Aziraphale probably floated better.
Instead, he opened the door to the former whiskey storage room, and waved Aziraphale in.  "Oh, it's lovely!" said Aziraphale, seeing the awful, hideous room Crowley had made for him.  He beamed at Crowley.  "Thank you for everything," he said, eyes wide and earnest, and he took Crowley's hand, and squeezed it.  He looked at Crowley, expectantly, still holding Crowley's hand.
Crowley panicked slightly.  "Yes -- well -- it's nothing.  Goodnight!"  He took his hand back and retreated quickly to his own bedroom.  Upon arriving there, he took his glasses off and placed them carefully on the nightstand, sent his hat and coat down to the hall closet with a dismissive wave of his hand, and then fell back onto the bed, clawing his hands down his face.
12 notes · View notes
obsessiveloverboy · 4 years
Note
(I hope its a cursed prompt)
((I’ll see what I can dig up. I deleted a lot of the really uncomfortable ones for my own sake and safety.))
1.      Anonymous said:
Asdfghjkl Bailey is getting 1600 followers I can't with myself. I bet he would be joyful and egoistical about it
((Honestly, he’s be happy about his love being acknowledged but other than that wouldn’t really care? He acts like he adores you all, but he could not care less.))
2.      Anonymous said:
I feel like bailey would get fed up with me cuz of how sensual he wants to be but I’m super ticklish so any sweet touchy moment would be interrupted by me cackling and spazzing involuntarily
((Actually, he’d find it really cute and find any excuse to tickle you and be playful. His personality is super adaptable!))
3.      Anonymous said:
((Can I be honest about something? I’ve never understood what you guys mean by your characters having different codes and settings. Like are bailey and seiichii virtual simulations or something?))
((That’s ok, I’ve been very vague about it; Here’s the summary of it. Bailey and a few other unlockable characters are from a dating sim called Lovely Boy Otome (Dating Simulation). Seii is not actually from the game, but he’s inside it now for reasons I won’t say yet. Bailey was not one of the dating options, but the game’s creator changed that for Seii.))
4.      Anonymous said:
Someone: omg this is the first time in forever i see you getting nsfw asks lol Alex: YEAH RIGHT AND I AM MOTHER THERESA
((Look man, some of them make me really uncomfortable but I tend to just delete those.))
5.      Anonymous said:
Why did ray ignore bailey to talk to seii?
((Gonna have to ask Nico about that one, Ray doesn’t belong to me.))
6.       
7.      Anonymous said:
Some of your reblogs are broken because they used tinypic ;w;!!
((I can’t really fix that, I’m sorry.))
8.      Anonymous said:
*bailey sees thick thighs*: *body worship mode on* *dick mode: hard*
((Oh so we calling Bailey out now, huh?))
9.      Anonymous said:
You're so sensitive i can feel it radiating through my phone
((Yeah, I am. I still call my ma when I have bad dreams and cry watching sad Disney movies. What of it?))
10.   Anonymous said:
After bailey gets caught in trial ya'll gonna see me sipping some fine ass high quality tea
((Darleeng tea.))
11.   Anonymous said:
What alex says: bailey is an absusive and a manipulative man What we hear: baeiley is an loving and devoting man. Also got a great dick
((Ya’ll are just horny.))
12.   Anonymous said:
You know thowe englishmen fron 1800 and early 1900. Yeah that's how bailey talks which means that's probs how alex talks too or used to talk. Alex is old.
((Honestly, that’s how my ma talks so I’ve grown up copying that. Valid though.))
13.   Anonymous said:
LET'S NOT FORGET WHEN ALEX SAID BAILEY WAS AVERAGE IN DICK SIZE AND HELL BROKE LOOSE
((Yeah like – Which one of you was so offended by that?? Still shook.))
14.   Anonymous said:
I forgot that it's canon that Bailey can get a boner if his s/o says they love him. Imagine a stranger getting a boner after you say u love him
((That was a joke but you fuckers will run with any madness I present you with.))
15.   Anonymous said:
*Bailey missing a pinky* Me: Sooo Baeiley, how finger stuff going to work?
((Unless you want his whole hand inside you, it’s gonna work just fine.))
 16.   Anonymous said:
It would be fun if you showed more of Bailey's "dark side" cuz we've seen bailey's charming and romantic side which can be concieving but like his dark side shows what ia behind the door 🤷‍♀️
((You want him to get dark? Drag it out of him. You can’t just yell ‘do some crazy shit’ and expect it to work.))
17.   Anonymous said:
So bailey basically feel pity to Seii?
((Yeah! Like, he loves him, but its all based on pity.))
18.   Anonymous said:
Won't bailey notice his s/o is gone? Like he'll go around the house and look for them but they are not there. What does he do, get over them and find someone new?
((Nope, in order to reconcile what he’s done, his brain is going to pretty much erase that his s/o was ever there. He was already pushed to murder, you think massive disassociation is out of the question?))
19.   Anonymous said:
Bailey: *stabs his one and only love* oh my darling, didn't see you there. Honestly get up you're fine, tis but a scratch. What even happened to you lol
((I’m gonna fucking cry.))
20.   Anonymous said:
Any tips for a starting out yandere roleplay blog?
((Tags matter! Tag your post with everything relevant to it but don’t invade tags that have nothing to do with your post.))
21.   Anonymous said:
I feel alone, I came on tblr cuz my friends said theres people like me on here. But I can't find anyone thats like me. I guess you can say I'm a really life yandere? I wont kill people! I just get overly attached to people, its a mental disorder or smthing. I keep finding thesw aesthetic and rp accounts but no one with this actual problem. Help?
((I sincerely think you should speak with a professional, legitimately identifying as a yandere is worrying. There’s a fine line between venting or storytelling, and actually thinking this behaviour is okay.))
22.   Anonymous said:
I just want a man who is possessive and jealous (but doesn’t mind me being alone). How do I find such a man ?
((You don’t want possessive or jealous. Those things in small doses are fine, but I think you want more attentive and assertive. Someone who does small things to show they are listening to you and care about you, and someone who will take charge when you feel like you can’t. Honestly, the best way I’ve found to find people like that is to literally ask for those things. Communication is key.))
23.   Anonymous said:
Baeiley: i love you Alex: OVER MY DEAD GAY BODY I WILL PROTECT MY FOLLOWERS! Followers: So what's you're saying is... we'rr getting dick? Alex: now is the time god i am done
((@God: Take the shot, champ, I’m done.))
24.   Anonymous said:
((The daddy kink is so bizarre to me. I can never imagine calling someone other than my dad "dad" it's so gross calling someone daddy like no get that weird dd/ll alabama thing away from me))
((No idea why this is here, I don’t even wanna think about it. I’m gonna open up a hell of a can of worms if I do.))
25.   Anonymous said:
IM STILL CRYING OVER THE FACT THAT ALEX WROTE "IM HIRING THE LESBIAN TO DO THE NSFW ASKS"
((Well if anyone knows there way around a woman, I’m gonna assume it’s them.))
 26.   Anonymous said:
(The one who googled pegging) lol i'm 21
((I doubt that solely on the fact that you felt the need to tell me you’re 21, rather than just move on.))
27.   Anonymous said:
Dirty talking people who gets embarrassed by little things is literally the best and funniest thing ever. Like it brings out the evil side inside oneself that's most likely 90% but ya'know
((I’m a sadist so hell yeah. Red cheeks and pouting is cute when its playful. I love making people squirm.))
28.   Anonymous said:
Bailey: *average size dick* Anon: *gets offended at a SIZE that most men actually have*
((Look man, I’ll be real with you. A lot of guys, myself included, are made to feel really bad if we’re not like 7 inches and up. The average is looked down on and it really makes some of us feel like less of a man. It’s like how girls are given shit for boob size.))
29.   Anonymous said:
How did bailey get into dolls and making dolls? What' the point of it too?
((Family business and it started off as just a hobby his father got him into.))
30.   Anonymous said:
You said once that bailey would use Issiah's methods on violence if hos s/o was frustrating him and not listening. Could you elaborite on that?
((Sure, although Bailey really hates getting violent. If he has to hurt you or torture you to get you behave then he will. But its usually an absolutely last resort.))
31.   Anonymous said:
Let's never forget that it's actually canon that bailey would and CAN be louder than his s/o in bed. It's the funniest canon ever
((Only when he bottoms.))
32.   Anonymous said:
Bailey seems to really yearn to be a father or a caretaker of some sort. Like he wants someone who he knows is his and that he can nurture and out all his love to them
((Yes! He wants to be a father so badly, he wants to be husband and to take care of a happy family because its what he doesn’t understand that he never had. He saw his mother be abused and he and his sister be used as a threat. He grew up thinking that was normal and fair, but deep down, he wants to give himself everything he should have had.))
33.   Anonymous said:
Why did ray start talking to seii? What shit went down? Lemme in on the detail my man please
((I can’t speak for Ray, he doesn’t belong to me.))
34.   Anonymous said:
THERE ARE 13-16 YEAR OLDS HERE OMG WHERE ARE YOUR PARENTS
((My thoughts exactly.))
 35.   Anonymous said:
Someone: *one day younger that bailey* Bailey: damn brats
((Pretty much! He’ll even call older people that act younger than him childish names just to make them feel small. He’s a cocky bastard.))
36.   Anonymous said:
But ray has to have been somewhat close to bailey to k ow his insecurities?
((Again, talk to Nico about Ray. But yeah, he was very good at looking deeper into what Bailey was saying.))
37.   Anonymous said:
Bailey's like "ugh you make me feel so much anger! I like that doe"
((Sums up Bailey’s love for Ray pretty well.))
38.   Anonymous said:
Me: *waits on the bed with a rose in my mouth* how was ypur day hot stuff? (Please let bailey answer lol)
((Not a chance in hell because I know this a shit post. My dude, Bailey would straight up fuck you.))
39.   Anonymous said:
No kink included but what does bailey do with brats? Why doesn't he like them?
((He thinks they’re annoying attention seekers. If you wanna act like you’re 3 with him then he’s going to treat you like you are.))
5 notes · View notes
frekydeki · 5 years
Text
Abstractions
Summary: A simple invitation for coffee, ice scream, tea, whatever it was, turned out to be a little more than you bargained for... Caught in the hot pursuit for the Winter Soldier, you have to play your cards safely, and keep them even closer to your chest; for yours and Bucky’s safety.
Pairing: (Bucky Barnes X Reader)
Authors note: I had posted this on a previous account (that I recently deleted) and it was titled ‘A Little Bit of Magic’. I’m tagging you ( @ilikehocolatemilk09, @learisa) just in case you want to keep being tagged in the rewritten and newest chapters, so lemme know if you do! Thanks!
| Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3: Upcoming
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You are no stranger to unfortunate events. In fact, you like to joke that your special power is bad luck and misfortune. Dr. Strange never believed in misfortunes - he called it a lack of skill and awful coordination - but once he heard your life story over that first cup of tea in New York, he's become a little more open-minded. You are blunt, upfront about your feelings and thoughts, so you like to tell the short version of your extensive history: You were born to farmers - quite a tasteful occupation compared to the one you hold today - but they perished not too soon after your birth in a stray missile from a battle between some lame mercenaries and the local militia. You were found in the rubble by the mercenaries, taken back to their stinky grovel of a base, and sold to the highest bidder; said bidder was a HYDRA scientist with a watering mouth to ruin another promising kid. Until you were sixteen, you were a guinea pig; they did everything they could think of to you... Their little concoction resulted in you, an emotionally unstable - yet cocky and bubbly - electrocuting, foul-mouthed, enhanced ray of sunshine mastering the mystical arts under the lovely Dr. Strange. 
"Good morning, Mr. Strange." You call after a bite of your apple, not bothering to lift your eyes from the book you are sucking dry of information. "Doctor." He corrects routinely as he pours himself some coffee and scans the newspaper, humming interest, "This Mr. Barnes is continuing to peak my interest. Says here he was behind the bombing..." You nod and express your feigned astonishment with a huff of air. "I've always wanted to meet him." You mumble, fingering the old pages of the book. "He was kept by HYDRA too, I was thinking we could get together, have a little pow wow with the Black Widow or somethin'." The sound of Dr. Strange clicking his tongue at you elicited a smirk on your plump lips. You both have kept an eye on this Mr. Barnes for a few months now. He's pretty good at keeping his head low, but you - you're not too big on tooting your own horn, keep in mind - happened to be one of the best at finding Waldo in those cartoon books; of course a high profile, wanted criminal with a villainous vibe of any teenage fantasy novel is no hard task for you to find. "If you want a pow wow with him, Y/n, you should get to sending your invitation before he is arrested by authorities." Surrendering your hands, you stand and close your book, finally meeting his eyes with a small smile on your lips. "I've never been good with invitations and socialization; every time I asked a man to go get some coffee with me, he's stabbed me with a needle... Anyways, you're the teacher and universe protecting whatever... Shouldn't you, not the student - who's me - be going to chit chat with Mister Barnes?" Stephen only allowed one side of his lip to lift. "You're an awful student who doesn't go along with my Brittany Spears jokes, so take this as your punishment and learn from your mistakes." "What can I say, they're toxic," You lift your eyes to his in triumph, "I'm gonna get in the shower. I'll go and grab a drink with this Mr. Barnes after, if you'd still like me too." Stephen dismisses you with a wave and turns to the fridge, retrieving all the ingredients he needs for his "nutritiously balanced" breakfast; living with a doctor like him is a damn nuisance. You move on muscle memory through the halls, all the way to your room. You lightly shut the door behind yourself, tossing your book on your cluttered desk and yanking your towel from the hook on your wall. Last night was another awful night of sleep on that good for nothing mattress you've been stuck with for years - you hate to blame your insomnia on something so trivial, but it's better than to admit the truth - so you rush to put yourself under that steaming water to wake yourself and your muscles up. It's over too soon - a bad habit you can't seem to shake from your childhood in that facility - and you step out ten minutes after you stepped in, feeling like a new woman. You brush your teeth, and don't bother to stare in the mirror too long, before you rough up your hair with your towel and dress in your very own uniform; a plain gray t-shirt, dark, ripped jeans, fluffy socks that you yank over the end of your jeans, and house slippers dawning your love for Deadpool. You've never been one to do your hair very reliably, so after yanking your brush through it, you pull on your navy-blue hoodie and slide down the hall to find out your plan for the day. You catch Strange just sitting down to eat his breakfast, clad in his Supreme Being get up as usual, and carry his coffee over to him; he always forgets it on the counter. "Thank you." You chime a happy response and sit across from him, waiting for the owner of the second plate to show. You flick your head towards it. "Is Christine swinging by for breakfast before her shift starts?" Your brows raise in question as he clears his throat and nods. Silence falls over you both awkwardly, your fingers tapping against the glass table and Stephen nose deep in the newspaper he's read through about ten times now. "So, am I going to go on a date or what?" You ask, glancing to the dark picture on the front page of the newspaper. "We might get mixed up in something bigger than we want to deal with, Y/n." He sighs. Your lips purse as your heart sinks a little in disappointment. You have to admit, you're on the line just as he is. You have bad memories stuck in those blue eyes of Mr. Barnes, but you also get this weird pressure in your chest when you think about just how much hopelessness is running through him in this moment. He has to run away, again... They just won't leave him alone... And that breaks your heart. "Think about it Mr-" "Doctor. Jesus (Y/N) how many times do I have to say this?" You dead pan at the man before you, tracing every feature of his face before the corner of your lips pull down into a drastic frown. "I'll start calling you Doctor Strange when you start cleaning up after yourself." "I've got much more important things to do than dishes-" "Anyways," You send him a sharp glare through your determined eyes, "We've been trailing Mr. Barnes for a long time now. And we haven't seen any concerning behaviors that could even point to this sort stuff!" "He's murdered several people." Your stomach flips as your eyes cool from determined to slightly hurt. "You know he didn't have a choice in that matter." You say in a near whisper. Dr. Strange lifts his eyes to you, slowly piecing together the thoughtlessness of his words. He finally sits his newspaper down and leans on the table with his elbows, scratching the hair on his chin. "As I said before, (Y/N), this might be much bigger than us." "Dormamu... That's bigger than us. And you sailed right into that!" You retort, barely noting the sound of the front door shutting. "Listen, Strange, you got yourself mixed up in this stuff when you agreed to take me in." Stephen's eyes look up to your own, trying to read the message behind them, "We should try and help him. See if we can get him out of the mess he's in." "You know we really only deal with problems that aren't... Of this world." His head tilts in reasoning, but you refuse to be talked down. You stand and take a deep breath. "You have performed thousands of surgeries and have a PhD in basically everything but you still can't come up with a good excuse." You stop and look to him from the archway, leaning your hand and cheek on the dark oak with a pleasent smile surfacing on your lips, "I'm going to drop by, see what he's up to and get a feel for what's going on." You conclude. Golden sparks indicate your dramatic exit, but Strange stops you before you finish making the portal. His eyes, caught in conflict, stare at you until they fall to your feet. "In those?" Your expression falls along with your expectation of some dramatic one-liner, and you look to your slippers. "At least look a little cooler. You'll make this organization look a fool if you leave here in superhero slippers and a hoodie." You groan and stomp off to your room, exchanging your Deadpool slippers for a pair of black high-tops before you pull on a jean jacket over your hoodie. You clomp back into the kitchen, glaring at Strange. Arms thrown out, you wait for his approval. "Is this good -" you stop and look to the woman smiling happily at you - "Good morning, Christine. How are you?" "Great. You?" "Just dandy, thanks for asking." You return your attention to Strange, "Good enough for you?" He chuckles and nods, dismissing you with his hand again. "Yes, now go, or you're going to lose the soldier to the police. We found him easy, the others can't be too far behind." You turn your chin up and nod, sparking your portal open. You barely take time to examine the dirty wall of the apartment before you step through and punch your hands into your pockets. The portal closes behind you as your concentration shatters and you find two sets of eyes on you; all three of you caught off guard. All the attention you were sparing to the hair tickling your nose is given to the two men in the room instantly. The tension in the air nearly strangled you as your eyes bolt between the serious glares they send to you. Your hands surrender quickly. "Oh jeeze..." You exclaim, hissing in your mistake through your teeth. "Did I-" You stop and share another glance with Captain America and Bucky Barnes, slowly gesturing a circle between the two - "Did I interrupt, something?" "Who... Are you?" Captain America asks, switching his weight between his feet. Your eyes glance to the ceiling, along with Bucky Barnes. "You guys are in quite the stinker, aren't you?" You ask before turning to try and glance out the window; they are blocked by newspaper. You click your tongue as you squint through a crack in the pasted papers, "You know," You sigh, turning back to the brunette, "Letting sunlight in helps with depression; even the smallest things can help." "I don't have time for this." Captain America mumbles under his breath. Your eyes turn around the entire apartment, your tongue swelling slightly with the realization that you're surrounded on all sides. The hero turns his clear blue eyes back to his friend, ignoring your presence. You fold your hands in front of you awkwardly, swallowing as you catch the intense exchange. "This doesn't have to end in a fight, Buck." He pleads. The soldier continues to draw his left hand from a glove, to reveal a silver hand before sighing in a defeated tone, "It always ends in a fight." Your heart wrenches in your chest at his words, and then it quickens, knowing that you're going to be caught in the middle of it. You shiver with anticipation, unsure of what to do; should you get mixed up in all of this? Confliction runs through you until those blue orbs meet your own and you're sent into a sea of your own memories; you'd help him. "You pulled me from the river!" Captain America yells his eyes tearing from you in frustration. "Why?" The loud breath that comes from Bucky draws your attention to him, and he looks to Captain America. "I don't know." "Yes, you do." The hero lowly said. You swallow and put a shaky finger up, both eyes looking towards you. "Excuse me, if I could just bother you to -" A grenade pummels through the kitchen window, which Captain America easily flicks away from him with his shield. Another comes through the window behind you, howling past your ear and picking up some of your damp hair, landing at your feet. You kick it towards Bucky, who then sends it to the Captain to throw his shield on top of. "To perhaps answer a few of my questions as well?" You finish before Bucky throws his mattress up to block you both from another grenade. The front door rattles with police trying to force their way in; you step from the hallway and watch Bucky calmly as he hurdles his small table in the way, so they won't be able to get in. You coo in admiration of his strength, your hands still in front of you. "You're sure not getting your deposit back on this place." You mumble to yourself, rocking on your heels in the madness of the situation. You jump slightly, however, to the window shattering and a soldier hopping in, his rifle directed at your chest. Panic sets in and blinds you as you push the gun away and land a hard punch to his throat; in any normal situation you would have shivered at the sound of his throat snapping and the gargling noises, but you are in survival mode now. Gun shots sound from the kitchen as you watch the man fall to the ground; you throw up a shield instinctively. From the balcony more men begin to file in, the Captain and Buck heading the charge there... "Strange is not going to be happy that I am in this situation." You mumble as you bite your lip, ignoring Captain America's scolding of his friends’ violence. You eye the book bag that Bucky throws from the building and raise your brow, but another enemy falling through the window near you takes your attention away. You quickly conjure up a little magic before landing an uppercut against his jaw that lifted him off the ground. You barely notice Bucky throw Captain America out a window as you toss a few extra punches on the man to make sure he'd stay down. Bucky hustles past you, and you decide to follow. Turning around, you're met with a man flying into the closet, the remnants of a cinder block falling to the ground. You blink away the shock before continuing towards Mr. Barnes, barely flinching at the shotgun sounds from outside the door. "Mr. Barnes, I know we've never met before..." You stop to mumble under your breath, "Okay, well, we have, but that's not the point...." Before continuing louder, "I sure would like to help you and then have a little talk with y-" You step out of the way after he dislodges the table and throws it into the living room. He doesn't look as if he's listening, but you know he's aware of everything. "I don't intend to hurt you, or arrest you, or anything of that sort so you'll let me help you, yeah?" You ask, simply. He turns his eyes to you in question. "Why?" You let a soft, warm smile to cross your lips; it's a little hard to face this man with a smile on your face but you know he's not the one you're petrified of...  So you keep that smile, soft on your lips. "Because you deserve it." You shuffle past him and stand behind the front door, before looking to him, "Besides, I'm sure you don't go get ice cream with just anybody." Bucky's metal arm shoots through the wall, and you quickly kick away the door, clearing the small platform of policemen. You apologize lightly as you step over unconscious bodies and head down the stairs quickly behind Bucky. "My name," You stop as you send someone flying down a flight of stairs, "Is Y/n Y/L/n." You call through the chaos. You stop as you watch Captain America - where did he come from? - catch a man who would've fallen quite the ways, and scold Bucky. The man took off, however, leaving both you and Captain America to chase after him; lucky for you, you're a little reckless, and you jump after Bucky, down the middle of the stairs a couple of floors before catching yourself and skipping through the apartment halls to continue your crusade. "Mr. Barnes... If you'd allow me, I'd like to take you and your friend to safety." Bucky kicks open a door and stops to look at you, chest heaving. "Why would I go with you?" He questions before sprinting towards the edge of the railing. You chase after him and jump as well; the panic that runs through his eyes as he watches you is almost comical as he grabs you and pulls you to his toned chest. "Mr. Barnes... You don't have to-" You sigh as your arms wrap under his and you look to the nearing rooftop. You could've easily stuck the landing, what with a few bruise, but still, you are trained for this all the same. But you roll a couple of times across the concrete with Bucky's muscular arms wrapped around - why are you thinking about that?   "Mr. Barnes, please, let me get you somewhere safe so I can explain-" He runs off again, being able to stand much faster than you. You screech in annoyance as you stomp your foot and fling your arms out at him. He snatches up his bag and continues running, ignoring you when you grab onto the leg of a new pursuer; a cat man? "What'd you do to make all these people mad, Mister?" You ask with a clenched jaw, trying to keep the enemy at bay. But he lands a hard kick to your jaw, and you cry out with the sharp pain it sends through your neck and jaw. You stand quickly, glancing up to the helicopter now shooting at you, Captain America now running at you, a new flying man kicking the helicopter; you are on overload and if you don't get away now, you're gonna explode... Literally. You look to Bucky, suck in a heavy break, and sprint towards him. You grab the shoulder of the newest attacker, send him flying off of the poor brunette soldier, open a portal, and look to Captain America. "Don't hate me for this." You say as you look down to Bucky, snatching up an arm and throwing him into the portal. You step in and hold it open until the spangled man jumps through. "What about your flying friend?" "Who? Sam? He'll be fine." You clench your jaw and watch the man, before shutting the portal just before the cat man could reach through. You let out a long breath and turn around, smiling at the two men breathing heavily behind you. "Where are we?" Captain America asks. "My home." You motion to the small building in the clearing. You walk towards it, and motion for them to follow. "Come on, I have coffee. Or ice cream. Tea. Water... Vodka, whatever you want." You throw open the door and look to your dirtied hoodie, tearing the layers off and tying up your hair. "You're HYDRA?" Bucky asks quickly. You turn over your shoulder and smile softly; he saw the branding on your neck. Shaking your head, you offer water while the coffee brews. "No," You look up to Barnes, "I'm Ex-HYDRA." That's only if you were ever a part of HYDRA. Does it count if it were unwilling? You drink your water quickly before noticing that neither have taken a drink of their water. "If I were out for your heads, I think I'd do it when it was three against a whole police force and a cat-man, okay? It’s just regular H2O in that cup." You point out. The two share looks before they cautiously drink. You smile.  "So, what do you want with Bucky?" The Captain asks. You lean against the small counter of your kitchen before hopping up onto it. "I don't want anything." You curtly answer as you spin your water around in your cup. Silence falls over the two. 
“What?” Bucky questions, sticking his chin out and raising his dark eyebrows. You bring your eyes up from your swirling water and smile to him.
“I don’t want anything from you.” You repeat. More glances are exchanged between the two before Steve shoves the confusion from between them with waving hands and a shaking head.
“Then why the hell did you help us out of there.” You clench your jaw and swallow; you can’t just upfront say ‘Yeah I helped you because I want someone in my life that will understand why I can’t sleep at night and I want to be able to think that if the Winter Soldier can escape HYDRA, then so can I.’ You push your eyes up to Barnes and smile sheepishly.
“I wanted to ask him what kind of conditioner he uses.” You point to his hair and nod, “It’s really nice,” You run your hand through your own hair, “Wish mine could look half as good.” The two soldier deadpan at you, disbelief strong on their sharp features.
“Seriously?” Captain America whines, tired and unsure who to trust. You smile and shake your head. You hop off the counter and put your cup in the sink.
“I just think it’s about time Mr. Barnes is free.” You answer, meeting those blue eyes of his. Silence, a common trend between the three of you, settles on you one more time. You push your mouth into your cheeks before you bite you lip under those harsh gazes. The blonde stands quickly, startling you slightly - your tongue swells in your throat as you anticipate what he’s going to do when he stops in front of you - and his hand jets out to you; you flinch only by habit. You watch his open hand widely. "I'm Steve Rogers.” You smile and accept his hand. "Y/n Y/L/n. Nice to meet you, Captain America." You turn your eyes to the brunette, his stance still guarded. "And it's a pleasure to finally meet you, Bucky Barnes."
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sansloii-a · 5 years
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coughs so am I allowed to request all of the “salty af munday meme” answers or—
oh my fucking god || @imbruedinfear​
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strap in y’all ‘cause someone wants to hear me complain
What does someone have to do for an instant unfollow from you?
if you post excessive ooc in quick sucession, i will unfollow you faster than the speed of light. i’ve done it in the past. i will not hesitate to do it in the future. i don’t care if it’s tagged. if i’m on and i see it, you’re gone, my friend.
What’s the WORST thing that has happened to you rp wise?
uuuuuuuuuuhhhhh there was this one dude that legit tried to monopolize one of my old muses on another blog, got upset when i set a main ship for said muse, complained to me nonstop, was trying to use me to get back into rping with my friend group ( which he called “the popular group” for a reason I don’t understand to this day ), only wanted to ship, got pissy over a fucking pokemon au ( if you ever wanna hear about this, lemme know ), tried to insert a ship into every au we made automatically, tried to tell me how to write smut for no reason ( said he would read it and give me tips and everything ffs ), was an asshole to my sister ( who rped way back when but doesn’t anymore ), made several friends of mine uncomfortable to the point of leaving the rp scene for a bit, blamed other people for issues that he honestly had a part in causing, and a bunch of other things that i’m forgetting right now.
i figure that’s the worst because nothing has topped that. nothing. that happened years ago, though, so i’m good now. no one fucks with me like that anymore.
What was a mildly annoying thing that has happened to you rp wise?
i got about 10 asks from someone when i wanted to do other shit ( my asks that are in the double digits ) ‘cause they wanted me to send them an ask. annoyed me to hell and back and i promptly deleted those asks
 ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  tough shit. i was not in the mood for games and i’m still not.
 Has anyone ever tried to steal your blog? Your headcanons? Icons? All that jazz?
not that i know of??? i hope not ‘cause i worked real hard on all this and if you steal anything from me, i’m gonna throw a huge-ass heaping of karma your way.
 How many people don’t like you?
i dunno. i’d say none but i know not everyone is going to like me so if you’re out there and you don’t like me, you’re entitled to that. don’t tell me, though, ‘cause i don’t wanna know if you don’t like me.
How many people do you not like?
¯\_(ツ)_/¯ i don’t really care enough to actively not like anyone. you can annoy me but unless you piss me off and continue to piss me off, you get stuck on the “do not care” list. 
Have you managed to stay away from drama?
i give advice when needed on how to avoid whoever my convo partner is talking about and i avoid getting involved. unless it’s like… a close friend or involves a close friend, i refuse to get in the middle of whatever issue people have. i’m not about to have my ass dragged into problems that do not concern me.
i don’t cause drama either so that’s also how i stay away from it. 100% guaranteed to keep you out of drama.
Have you ever been in the middle of drama?
personal/friend drama? yes. rp drama? see above.
none of that was fun btw. it was a lot of me getting angry, being frustrated with certain behaviors, having to cut people out for doing shit/saying shit that they knew they shouldn’t have and refusing to recognize that they have fucked up and use that to change their behavior, etc. it’s draining and not fun and i’m pretty sure it shaved years off my life but y’know, it is what it is. the most i can do about it is look out for myself and keep out of relationships that will put me in those situations again.
Have you ever tried to bring peace to a situation?
no because i used to be friends with people that weren’t straightforward with shit and made excuses instead of changing their behavior. i don’t wanna go into it ‘cause and i can’t remember all the details but boy, peace was hard to come by and it didn’t last long. i wasn’t going to try to bring peace if people didn’t really seem to want it and level with each other.
How long do you stay mad?
depends on what you do, tbh, but it’s a couple hours at least. a couple days at most.
What’s your rp pet peeve? ( i have a lot of these )
playing “find the links” on someone’s blog. if i can’t find your links, i’ll try “/rules”, “/r.”, “/g.” and whatever else i can think of to get your rules and a couple more things to get your muse’s about. however, i shouldn’t have to and it takes little effort to make it so that your links are easily distinguishable from the background. if i don’t find them, i don’t find them. and i don’t follow/follow back
Have you ever forgiven a partner when you shouldn’t have?
nope. not now, not ever.
 Have you ever been forgiven when you knew you shouldn’t have been?
i’ve never been in a situation where i’ve had to be forgiven for stuff i’ve done so no.
What fads/trends are you so over?
the first thing i thought of was the fucking double ampersands thing that was everywhere at some point. those annoyed me so much and i’m so glad they’re gone. super small text needs to die too. i may not wear glasses but i sure as shit ain’t straining my eyes to see what you’ve written in 3px font. 
honestly, a lot of the excessive aesthetic shit that sacrifices accessibility for #aesthetic
Have you ever rp’d with someone you knew for a fact was abusive but tried to give them a chance/to make up your own opinion on the roleplayer? Did they change or did you understand what people were talking about?
nope, nope. nu-uh. if i knew for a fact that this person was abusive in that moment, i wouldn’t touch them with a ten foot pole. absolutely fucking not. 
Have you ever made a public call out post?
-loud snort- hell no.
What has made you completely lose your chill?
honestly? look at my worst experience and that about sums up shit that has made me lose my chill. you really gotta push my fucking buttons to make me mad ‘cause i’m usually pretty laid back.
What do you think about public call out posts?
answered here
A fandom that you feel isn't open and accepting? 
¯\_(ツ)_/¯ i dunno. i’ve only been in one before and that was f.ire e.mblem
 A fandom that you feel is open and accepting?
imma be real honest with y’all--the only fandom i’ve been in that i will acknowledge is f.ire e.mblem and i had a pretty sweet time there. i had some ups and downs but it was an overall good experience for me. it was pretty open and inviting in my opinion but i tended to stay away from the douchebags in the fandom ‘cause i just wanted to have a good time there.
Thoughts on duplicates following you?
 if i have duplicates of my oc following me, i’ll have a whole fucking cow 
Do you agree with reblog karma or is it forced interaction?
i don’t think it’s forced interaction most of the time ( with sentence starters, symbol memes, memes that take literally zero fucking effort to send in ) ‘cause... everyone likes getting stuff, y’know. if you wanna reblog it from someone, just take a moment to send something in if the interaction is feasible. that’s the key thing here. if it’s feasible, then i don’t see the issue with sending something in before you reblog it from someone ( especially if you’re mutuals ). if it isn’t and you just wanna reblog it, reblog it from the source. it’s not that serious.
if someone nitpicks you for rebloging the same meme they did but you reblogged it from the source, i wouldn’t feel too bad. you know what’s best for your muses and if you don’t feel like the meme is cohesive for interactions, then that’s your prerogative and the 
Has someone ever ruined an FC or character for you?
answered here
Has someone been jealous of you?
i’ve only been told that someone was jealous of me once and it was a long time ago. i have never heard that from anyone again ( not that i remember, at least )
Have you ever been jealous of anyone?
mhm! but it usually comes when i’m feeling super down about my blog and doubting my ocs ( which isn’t often ). when i do get jealous, it’s over interactions and the like and my big dumb galactic brain is like “wow, don’t you wish you had those interactions? don’t you wish you were rping with those people?” and makes me feel bad about the interactions i have, the speed at which i reply, my ocs, how many people are interesting in my ocs, etc. however, this shit doesn’t last long ‘cause i have a bunch of wonderful people that motivate me to get out of that funk and just... focus on what i have instead of what i’m seeing on my dash. i remind myself that i’m here to have fun and i shouldn’t try to match my experience to others’
How has Tumblr RP changed since you started?
more formatting, smaller icons, more focus on having a fancy ass theme, more formatting, more callout posts, less communication in some regard, more reminders for communication.more psa posts, more formatting--
honestly, i’ve been on tumblr since 2012 and most of it is a blur lmao. i probably don’t remember everything ‘cause i was.... 15 when i started rping on here. i’m 22 now. i’m sure a lot has changed in seven years but i definitely haven’t seen it all.
Thoughts on the fandom you're currently rping in?
i’m currently a fandomless blog and boy, is it a lot more fun XD i have a lot more creative liberty and i can shape the world my muses live in to my liking, as opposed to following or just adding onto what the fandom universe already is. it’s a lot of work and it takes a ton of time but it’s fun and i’m enjoying every second of it! 
How salty are you feeling right now?
answered here but i’ll just say it again: not salty. just tired and rambly because holy shit this took a while
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danganronpa-21 · 5 years
Text
Content Creator Update (Warning: Long)
I’ve been meaning to make this post for quite some time now, but... well, this entire post itself could be used as a reason for why even this update took so long to see the light of day. So I just wanted to talk to you guys about what’s been going on lately, and how I intend to proceed from here on out. 
THE EXPLANATION
As I write this message, I am in the midst of exam season. It might seem a little silly of me to be writing it right now, but this is actually the calmest things have been for me for awhile. Even during my holiday break, I was still doing schoolwork. I calculated it and uh... nine out of the fourteen days that I got off of school, I spent working. As classic of an excuse it is to not be working on all of this stuff that I do for you guys, I’ve been an absolute mess of due dates since the beginning of September. This year in school, I’ve been trying a lot of new things -- which has been totally great for my learning and my experiences, but has also been very stressful for me to try and balance. 
If you were to try and get me to list some of my successes from this semester, it would probably become somewhat clear to you what I’ve been up against... so some of my biggest projects have included editing & scripting & recording audio for a 32 minute documentary for my tech course, planning a school event (tours for the incoming students) as a major project, writing a full-length poetry collection and a full-length short story, reading six different novels for school (all overlapping), being a peer helper who created lessons and attended events for my students, and being a leader for my school’s art club as we try to plan an art show. And these are only the bigger things that I did this year! I don’t mean to toot my own horn, but I’ve been working pretty hard to get things done. It seemed like from September to November, I was even giving up my lunch breaks to work on school projects. I’d maybe have two to three hours when I got home from school, and then I’d go right back to work again. It really was an exhausting schedule! 
Needless to say, it most certainly impacted the progress I was able to make on projects like Danganronpa 21. If the sheer amount of assignments and extra homework I had to do was not enough to get in the way of my writing time, then my lack of energy for it surely would. Half the time when I would find a sliver of time to work on Danganronpa 21, my body and brain were tired and were not having it. I would force myself to write it anyway, and then end up not liking where it had gone because I didn’t have the brain power to actually think about what I was doing. At the current moment, I’m actually on the sixth version of The Old World’s Future’s fifth chapter because I kept running head first in to the same problem because I couldn’t think about what I was doing wrong. It didn’t occur to me that if I were trying to build up a friendship, I should probably consider actually having it build rather than just making them instantly appreciate each other. Furthermore, just because I wrote down “do this”... does not mean I planned it. I don’t know what I was thinking when I wrote something in my plans and then immediately refused to keep going on that point that was really very crucial to progression, but regardless now I have to go back and try to expand on it. Apologies for getting a bit huffy with myself there, I’m just frustrated and guilty over how long I’ve made the wait for something new. I promise it was never my intention, and I’d really like to get back on the horse as soon as I can. I’m hoping that perhaps my next semester will be easier, as my writing-heavy and weirdly demanding courses are behind me. I’ll even have the benefit of a spare period, too! So hopefully, this will grant me just a little bit less exhaustion and just a little bit more time. Thank you all so much again for all of the patience you have given me, because I appreciate it so much!! I know I say it all the time but you are all so sweet!! I literally don’t deserve you!! I’m going to do my best to keep creating content for you, and hopefully I won’t disappoint!!
THE FULL CONTENT UPDATE
Naegiri Week 2018: I’m sure some of you have noticed, but I never actually got to finish writing my prompts for Naegiri Week 2018! Work managed to get in the way even more right at the end, so after days of submitting things late I was forced to postpone it entirely. However, I do intend to finish them even though 2018 is over! I’m not sure whether or not I’ll post them on here (or if that will annoy the poor NaegiriWeek moderators in some way, I don’t want to be any trouble to the nice people!) or if I will simply upload them to ArchiveOfOurOwn (just a reminder, you can find me there under makot0naegi). Regardless, I intend to finish them up as best I can and give you something to enjoy. I can’t say for sure when I will be done them, but at the very least uh... they will come before Chapter 5 of Danganronpa 21. I’ll try to get them done while I’ve got the free time!
Regeneration, Rebuild: I dunno if there is a huge demand for this one, but if at all possible I’d like to start uploading more stories to this little one-shot collection. In particular, I think I’d really like to focus on one of the families or relationships that is NOT the Naegi-Kirigiris. Much as I love them, I really would like for the others to have their time in the spotlight as well. Currently I’m thinking of having it focus on Byakuya, and the struggles he faces with his son and being a single father. It would be kind of angsty but also kind of touching, and that’s about the extent of what I will tell you lest I start to spoil things. I’m really good at that, hahah.
Danganronpa 21: The Old World’s Future: As I mentioned previously, I am on six layers of Chapter 5. I’ve been fighting myself tooth and nail in an attempt to get this right, and I’m not about to stop trying now! I think what I need right now is just some time to sort myself out -- where I’m going, what I’m writing, and knowing concretely and for sure of what I’m doing. If anybody’s open to it, I might even like to bounce ideas off of people for the next chapter as I work on it. If there was one thing I learned from my creative writing course this year, it’s that working with others is actually way less scary than you think it will be... and it’s actually pretty helpful and fun! So if anybody has anything they want to suggest or talk about, hit me up and lemme know! Additionally, because I have so many scrapped versions of Chapter 5, I’m hoping to share some of the deleted scenes with you as well as unused sprites and any other things that I made or thought of while I was working! 
Bonus Content: If anything, this is one thing I will try to keep a steady flow on. I’m going to do my best to update you with bonus content both here, and on my Instagram page (@kotocake) so that you’re never too too drained of anything you might be interested in.
Non-Danganronpa Stuff: If that’s of any interest to you, I’ve got stuff for that too! Lately I’ve been thinking about doing a little bit of writing and other mediums in relation to a few other things... but I dunno for sure about most of them. The only thing I really have my heart set on is Fire Emblem Awakening fanfiction. My friend suggested the game for me awhile ago and I finally got a copy for my birthday back in December, and I’ve loved it ever since. I’ve had a few cute and fun ideas for stuff for it, so if anybody else is interested I am more than ready!
CONCLUSION
Allow me to get mushy gushy again and say that you guys are all angels, and I adore all of you, and I am so lucky to have such eager yet patient people supporting the things that I do. It really makes me so happy to see others responding to my work and further responding to me as a person, too. I love having this group of people, and I honestly look forward to all of the time we will continue to have together. You are all amazing!! If you ever need anything, just let me know and I will do my best to support you. You all deserve wonderful things!!
- Your friend Koto
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voidmywarranty-a · 5 years
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lemme make another post where i ramble abt other muses i wanna do or w/e
so liek my main issue is that tungle sucks i wanna migrate but i’ve only ever rp’d on tumblr sooo idk. waiting for a new site before trying new muses seems like a good excuse idea but
i think i wanna give up trying to rp teddie from persona 4, he’s still a big fave character but i cant get muse for him n overall im not confident abt my portrayal of him :/ a persona character i do wanna play and did play for a little bit is mishima from persona 5, but tbh i’m pretty salty about persona 5 idk how welcoming the community would be hahaha
i kinda wanna try hope from final fantasy 13 like i love him, im replaying ff13 so maybe when i replay the trilogy i can have a better feel for him. idk like i feel like his character for the first large part of ff13 is affected by his grief and frustration/fear over his situation, but toward the very end of the game he has a more playful side and this especially comes through in lightning returns, i prolly wanna rp his 24 year old self tho bc why did they ever reverse his age up dkfjdkfjdf
a long while ago i had an idea to roleplay as a humanised ventuswill from rune factory 4 n never ended up doing it but i’d like to try again ? in rf4 ventuswill is a dragon who befriends the player and at the end of arc 2 she disappears/dies (it’s not clear) and when i first played the game i rlly thought arc 3 would end with her back as a human, instead she comes back as a dragon but i think roleplaying her as a dragon would be rlly fun. there’s like no rune factory rp community on tumblr but idk if there’s one elsewhere
i thought making rp blogs would motivate me to eventually rp on them but it didnt work haha im probably gonna delete all my rp blogs aside from this one soon
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stefano-and-obscura · 6 years
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This is NOT Okay: Bullying someone over fanfiction and over what their friends said.
Unfortunately it has come to my attention that a mutual of mine was being harassed both on here and on AO3 because of her Stefano Valentini Randomness Stories, and this sad, pathetic waste of space below tried to JUSTIFY it. What they put is absolutely sickening. [I wound up using strong language in my responses, so I am sorry you have to read those words.]
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More under the cut because this is getting long
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Look, my friend didn't tell me she was called "basement dweller," and I don't care who did it. That person's ass is grass whether you like it or not. She didn't complain to me about it. I found it myself and acted
If your friend didn't tell you, that meant you actually read it and you saw who REALLY called her a basement dweller, which makes it all the more fucking pathetic you're harassing someone JUST because of what a fan of theirs told your friend!! Where's the justification for THAT?? You just wanted an excuse to hate on someone who wrote what you didn't like, and instead of being the LOGICAL person and confronting the one who insulted your friend you went after the person who had nothing to do with it.
Your friend brought that on herself; she commented something rude, someone else defended the author, and your idiotic little rat brain decides to go after the author???????
That's like me going after YOUR FRIEND because of YOUR BEHAVIOR.  I feel so, so sorry that your friend has to put up with a fucking overly goddamn worthless piece of shit like you who thinks its okay to bully others because "MAH FWENDS!" How fucking old are you???????
I'm gonna get this straight once and for all: we did NOT tell her to delete her story. We did not just choose to target her because she was who she was. We just found a crappy story and left our comments.We are just as entitled to our opinions. 
From the comments I saw when she linked me I saw you fucking assholes DID tell her to delete her story!! You're just fucking lucky she deleted the whole damn thing because she didn't want to deal with drama anymore, but you are lying through your teeth. You CHOSE to target her because "lolz shitteh storie!" which itself is an EXTREMELY shitty reason to harass someone in the first place and tell therm to delete something they're working on.  You're a sick fuck, you all are, because if you think its justifiable to harass people based on how badly their story is written you don't deserve the privilege of being online at all.
You can leave your shitty opinion WITHOUT harassing the author, doncha know?? There's CONSTRUCTIVE criticism (which nobody there used) that your dumb fucking asses could have used instead of "THIS SUCKS DELETE YOUR STORY DELETE IT NOW" like a bunch of enraged toddlers who are pissy that they can't get what they want.
Instead of ignoring us and deleting them, she turned it into drama. So, immediately, by that alone, that in turn caused her white knights to do what they have been doing.
This just in: Apparently people CANNOT offer their own reason for doing the way it does without "turning it into drama".  You bastards were the ones who turned it into drama by harassing her still, people defending themselves against hateful comments (aka "DELETE YOUR SHITTY STORY") is NOT causing drama. You got pissy because she told you off and gave her reason, so you decided to bully her all because "wahh my fee fees hurt!"
And yes, she could use a little bit of real world. Everyone gets depressed, everyone gets anxious. She's not special. Everyone gets a little fragile here and there,
You're one of the stupidest motherfuckers to ever stupid.
Because of her fragile mental health due to her condition, the poor girl deals with enough ‘real world’ shit at home. There’s a reason that people come online, to escape that, and sorry, bullying is not ‘real world’. It is something that happens in the real world, but its not normal and should never be okay to do at all, not even online. (Where it can get worse than real world bullying because smug rat bastards like yourself think you can hide behind a wall of anonymity until someone dies from it, in which case you’re held responsible)
You have NO understanding of mental illnesses! There's a difference between "I'm feeling sad! I'm feeling nervious!" AND A DEBILITATING MENTAL ILLNESS THAT PEOPLE HAVE TO BE ON MEDICATION FOR.
One of your friends being "sad" is NOT the same as someone struggling with depression! One of your friends feeling nervous sometimes is NOT the same as someone dealing with near-crippling anxiety!
Nobody takes medicine for being just sad and just nervous, and everyone gets a little fragile here and there??????? There's a big fucking difference from being at a low point AND HAVING YOUR MENTAL ILLNESS AFFECT YOU SO BADLY THAT YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT, AND THERE'S A REASON WHY MOST OF THE PEOPLE WHO COMMIT SUICIDE ARE STRUGGLING WITH MENTAL ILLNESSES.
With you and your friends' fucking harassment YOU COULD HAVE BULLIED THIS GIRL TO SELF HARM and frankly I wouldn't be surprised if you already did, ALL OVER A STORY YOU HATED AND SOMEONE ELSE'S COMMENT.
How many people have you done this to? How many people did you indirectly kill because you bullied them to self harm and suicide?
and no. Saying a bad story is bad is not bullying. It is not. You're just calling it bullying because she said it was. You're just functioning on her vocabulary.
HMMMMM apparently telling someone to delete their story over and over, spamming her and leaving other hateful shit isn't bullying?? You're fucking delusional.  You outright admitted to it that she had to get hurt.  You planned this, you and the rest of the sick fucks in your pack decided to BULLY her over something so incredibly stupid.
And you know what? All of my friends have medically diagnosed problems too, not just "depression" and "anxiety."
And you know what?????? Everyone experiences mental illnesses differently, some worse than others! And goody goody, your friend has BPD?? So does my mother, who, because of her BPD, has physically and emotionally hurt me, other people and herself, and she attempted SUICIDE because it got that bad!
Meanwhile judging from YOUR attitude and lack of understanding (or plain ignorance) towards mental illness, either your friend has VERY mild, manageable BPD or your friend doesn't have BPD at all! None of your friends do, or if they DO, they either have it under control or they know what kind of shitty bitch you are and keep it hidden from you because they know you'll treat them like absolute trash otherwise.
YOUR ACTIONS have only worsened the girl's mental state, and you don't  care at all because "Ha ha my friends handle it better/don't have anything so YOU should be able to do the same by my neurotypical standards uwu"
I'm not a white knight. I'm her best friend.
You may be her "friend" (Which I doubt because unless you're hiding that side from her, ,who wants to be friends with something like you?) but you still white-knighted by jumping in where your ass didn't belong. Not only that but you went after the WRONG PERSON, IF YOU ACTUALLY DID IT BECAUSE OF THE BASEMENT DWELLER INSULT!!
Judging from the fact you KNEW it wasn't her who called your friend a basement dweller (which is a stupid fucking thing to get offended over unless you're 12)  You didn't attack her for the basement dweller thing at all, did you??
You saw an opportunity to attack her because of her shitty story (as if you didn't already do the whole "DELETE YOUR STORY IT SUCKS" bit) and find a way to justify it.
It was never about the basement dweller thing, as far as I see. If it really was why did you bother attacking her some more instead of going after the person who made the comment?????? You said so yourself, your friend didn't tell you, you saw it!
And no, if she can't just delete comments and not cry over them for hours, I'm sorry. She has no business writing fanfiction. I repeat, she has NO BUSINESS writing fanfiction.
I'm sorry but if you can't dislike someone's story without harassing them and bullying them for hours, I'm sorry, you have no business being online. I REPEAT, you have NO BUSINESS BEING ONLINE.
Yeah, her writing isn't exactly my favorite either, but guess what?? She can improve at writing!! You? You'll always be a sad, unwanted worthless shitty waste of egg and sperm.
I am not bullying the girl.
And I’m totally not typing this sentence online and posting it to a website called tumblr! 
I am criticizing her writing and her method of grabbing fans by lying to them, pandering to them, and forcing them to bend to her every will.
“This sucks delete your story!” isn’t criticizing, dumbass. 
Grabbing fans by lying to them and pandering them, and forcing them to bend to her will? I call bullshit on all of that! 
First let’s address the pandering accusation.  You have FANS, you write content the FANS WANT.  As a FANFIC AUTHOR, I mean that’s basically your job, its not pandering, its supply and demand. If that was true then everyone writing Stefano Valentini fanfic because people like Stefano are now fan panderers!
Also, how the fuck does she lie to them?????? I don’t fucking see it!! 
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-She actually does write these in second person, signifying the READER is the one in it. (I dislike those stories a lot for obvious reasons, is that your beef with it too?)
-Its not in chronological order either
She’s not lying to them, and HOW is she fan-pandering if there ISN’T any fan pandering????? All I see is stuff SHE wants to write, and lemme guess its only “fan pandering” because of second person perspective?? That’s bullshit. 
Manipulation? I’ll believe it when I see it, bitch.
She is manipulative and dangerous. I would even advise you to stay away from her because you're giving in to her. That is all I'm gonna say.
“She is manipulative and dangerous, I would even advise you to stay away from her!” Cries the idiotic bully-bitch who’s been harassing the user over a STORY and claiming its for a “basement dweller” comment that she didn’t even write herself.  
Yeah, I’m TOTALLY gonna listen to a person who bullies others!! 
You’re the only manipulative and dangerous one here.  You said you didn’t care if she gets hurt, that she needs a bit of ‘real world’.  People like you are the ones who cause people to commit suicide, or cause those people to turn into murderers because they lost the value for their own lives as well as others, because believe it or not, SpaceUndies, your actions DO have consequences!! 
I only know this because I've known people like this.
Are you seriously fucking 12? You're not the only one who's dealt with people like this!
I've had internet access since late 2012, you honestly don't fucking thing I've encountered a lot of dangerous, manipulative people???????  I'm really good at picking out manipulative people based on several behavioral patterns I've observed in the ones I met (and including a guardian of mine who's warped me so badly as a child that I still am suffering from her actions to this day) and I can tell you FLAT OUT that, as far as I am seeing right now in front of me, the only manipulative bastard is you.
You're unhealthily obsessed with harassing people and claiming "uM SOMEONE ELSE CALLED MY FRIEND A BASEMENT DWELLER" and white-knighting because "I'm sticking up for a friend!"
I've dealt with enough useless wastes of human DNA like yourself to know which ones need to be kept away from the internet and other people, and you're one of them.
Ignoring the fact that Basement Dweller isn't even a viable insult to any degree and is in no way harmful, I can only imagine how much you fly off the loop when something a tad more different happens.
You're dangerous and you need to have your psych evaluated. First it starts with hurting people online, then real life bullying, an then you'll be kidnapping and murdering people for minor infractions.
They would threaten themselves and their own lives just to get attention. She is doing the same.
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That is where I got you, bitch.
She never threatened her own safety, at all.  I just mentioned that-because if your stupid little incompetent ass bothered to read, I said she COULD do that, because that's what people with fragile mental health DO!  They're more prone to self harm and suicide due to BULLYING which you said she needed some of.
Also, this goes to prove how much of an idiotic bastard you are. 
"Hurr durr if someone I don't like is having issues and does say about self harm THEY FAKIN'!"
Guess what? Your friend SUPPOSEDLY has BPD.  I bet that every time they get on the verge of self harm THEY'RE FAKING. Do you think the same too, or are they somehow magically the exception??
 I would say get out while you still can. But hey, if you just think I'm a bitch for defending my BPD friend, so be it. At least she can change and adapt to life. Like I said, I don't protect because they ask me to. I do it because I want to.
You're a bitch because you're BULLYING someone! Sorry tootsie-pop but bullying is not the same as defending, NOT TO MENTION you're "defending" her from the WRONG PERSON.  You fucking ADMITTED that you saw everything and YOU ADMITTED you didn't care who sent that message! You're not even bullying her for the basement dweller comment, you're just bullying this girl because you hated the story.
Also what does your BPD friend have to do with it?? She didn't even come to you about this which shows she wasn't upset! Her BPD HAD NO PART IN THIS, you're just using that as a "HA HA GOTCHA" card against someone with another mental condition.   Because of your SHITTINESS towards symptoms and conditions and claiming "EVERYONE gets like that sometimes!" I actually, truly, honestly do believe your friend DOESN'T have BPD at all, you're just lying through your teeth, because otherwise you would have known about the whole "Mental illness symptoms are FAR DIFFERENT from regular mood stuff!"
Your friend can adapt and change in life?? What a coinky-dink, so can the author!! I mean she has to in order to survive with her condition, but that doesn't mean she HAS to put that guard up 24/7, ESPECIALLY online where most real world bullshit shouldn't have to happen.
Your logic never lines up and it doesn't make sense. You KNEW she had fragile mental health but you kept pushing her to the FUCKING BRINK because you could, like any other evil bastard who just wants to watch people suffer.
You don't care for your friend at all, judging from the above, you're only using her as a pathetic excuse. You just wanted a reason to hurt someone over a little story you personally hated. You don't care about other peoples' mental health, you truly don't care if blood is spilled over it because "They deserved it because SOMEONE DIFFERENT called my friend a meanie word that little kids use :( "
You never experienced online bullying, but for this alone and the fact you knowingly bullied someone with fragile mental health because "she deserved it", I hope you experience it.   I honestly do hope that, for as long as you continue being online, you get some "real world" from other people no matter what you do and what you say. I want you to go through as much bullshit as you put this girl through, and when you go to other people about your issues, they laugh in your face and tell you the same thing you've said above.
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lynns-art-blog · 6 years
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Ya know what I’ve never understood? Anti-shippers. Never understood it. Do you just not like romance? Or is there somethin else to it? Even still, it just never clicked to me. Why waste time being anti-somethin as silly as ships? Like, please, explain to me why you’re against it. Make me understand, because right now, I don’t. Cus there are these same people who are like “Well, I like canon ships.” and it just boggles my mind. Like, why be selective about it? Why make it out to be a big deal? I’ve seen some responses along the lines of “They only exist to make fan babbies” or “It’s just an excuse for the two characters to kiss/do the do”, and i just have to ask, SO? Chances are, those aren’t even the reason someone ships somethin. But even if it were, why does that matter? Why does it matter so much to you that you decided to be “anti” about it? I don’t like foncest, yet I’m not anti it. I’m not lookin at people who ship it with disgust. Because it’s not my prerogative. it’s not my job to police someone on their art. It’s not my job to police their minds, and it’s not my job to think any different of someone because of somethin they ship in FICTION. “Oh, but people are constantly asking me about-” then delete those asks. Ask them kindly not to ask you about it again. Reply to them privately if you can, and delete the anon asks that you can’t. You have so many options available to you. You can, simply put, ignore it. Not put your attention on it. I don’t like somethin, I scroll right on by it and think nothin more of it. I just go “Okay, not my thing.” and move on. To harbor so much animosity for it because you see it so much, or because someone asked you about it once or twice just feels petty to me. It feels like you’re wastin too much energy on bein negative towards somethin that ultimately has no impact on your life. In the grand scheme of your entire life, none of those images or asks are gunna matter. None of them are gunna be super big in the expanse of your lifetime, so why bother gettin upset over it? Why bother bein “anti”? “It goes against my morals!” What, why? How does that make any sense? Why do you have a moral attachment to somethin someone else made? Somethin that ultimately doesn’t affect you in the slightest?
It’s like an argument I saw against Frans. Like, the person kept tryin to say that it was “against their morals” and that “Frisk is a kid”, despite that not bein true for everyone, and it only bein an interpretation, not a fact. Like, lemme go back to another post I made in response to somethin: Undertale is an RPG. A Role Playing Game. Now, if you’re new to this genre, and have no idea why this matters, lemme give you a way to get it. In the Elder Scrolls series of games, you play as a character that is put into the world space of tamriel. And, as it is an RPG, you are free to dictate what your character does, and how their actions affect that world space. The same is true in Undertale. Similarly, you arefree to make your character in the Elder Scrolls games as you see fit. What their race is, what their gender is, what their morals are, and what their age is. The same can be said of Undertale. They are both RPGs. They both function the same way. You create your own interpretation of the character, and no interpretation is wrong or right. Your version of Frisk or any other character is just as valid as anyone else’s. And this means that, by defacto, these characters have no set age. They have no set gender. And they have no set race or motives/morals. i feel that most people who came into the Undertale community hadn’t quite grasp this nature of RPGs before, and because of this, there was a lot of “My version is the right version” tossed around. Again, however, this game is an RPG. You fill the Role of the character how you please. From their actions, to their motives. You are in control of it. You decide what to do, and how to drive the narrative. If your Frisk is young, then cool. If they’re older, also cool. That shouldn’t change how you view the character, nor should your own personal interpretation inform how you see other people’s, or their ships. Your Frisk is a kid. That doesn’t mean they all are, nor does it mean that morals should come into it. If someone else’s Frisk is old enough to date their Sans, then there shouldn’t be an issue. It’s someone else’s interpretation of two characters who are pretty much left flat for people to fill in the blanks of. Again, that’s the point of an RPG. That’s why Toby didn’t give those characters ages. It’s why he didn’t give Frisk/Chara anythin more than names and little hints of a personality. It’s why there is so much left unsaid. The point of an RPG is for you to make your own story in a world you are given. Are you a theif? Are you a knight? Are you a ranger, who works for the Dark Brotherhood? All of these are just as valid as the last, and the same can be said of Undertale.
Which, again, brings me back to the beginnin of this long post. Why are people anti-ship? Why be anti for somethin that literally has nothin to do with you? I genuinely want to know. I want to understand, because right now, I don’t.
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princeleyjeans · 4 years
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When you don’t want insta to delete some possibly helpful future shit, sometimes you just gotta throw up on tumblr, so lemme start this off:
In 2014 thanks to Tumblr, I met my first girlfriend, after missing out on the whole teenage on/off dramatic romances due to my youth being taken up by undiagnosed autism, depression, the death of my dad and various issues with overall emotions i went into it without a clear head, I went in, inexperienced and as you can already imagine, my selfish ass got cocky from the attention of my blog and it’s slight fame, confused, even more anxious about stupid shit and round up putting myself into a hole that was hard to climb out of. Again, as you can assume, the relationship didn’t last long, mostly because I couldn’t handle being the not only one of us to have problems, because more things were coming out that I wasn’t ready to deal with, along with the newfound bravado of “hey somebody likes me”.
Cruelly, my main fear out of our parting was my rep, they were a well known blog in our shared community and so I was afraid of sides being taken, drama being caused, issues in between and basically anything that affected me, made me out to be the bad guy. I was incredibly selfish and put them through a lot of hurt and mixed feelings and so much bull crap that I’m still shocked they didn’t just fly over here to put a knife through my thick skull. I was that much of an asshole, not really mean but you know when someone lets fame go to their head and that’s the main focus, they don’t learn to manage, the idiot just soaks it up and leaves everyone else in the background? That’s what it was, I went from this struggling IRL 18 year old to Mr hotshot, the big contributor to a small fandom, nice dude who made everyone happy and did their all to provide decent content...it was like a really pathetic television show, main character gets to drown in their glory while neglecting everything and everyone else close to them, anything good becomes expected and inclines become mountains because they’re too busy enjoying themselves to realise “oh shit this is going on”
I was a piece of trash and on and off kept them on the hook, were we gonna get back together, weren’t we, if we’re single I’m so many years then who knows! That crap,, as my mental world started to crumble around me, my trust of people went with it and I became really possessive and paranoid and downright fucking weird like looking back even I wanna smack myself cus dude, not chill, take your MCR Goth phase elsewhere. thankfully they wound up meeting someone who made them happy and despite running away from them due to my paranoia, I still wish them all the best, still hope they’re in a better place because god knows they deserve it.
After that, interests came and went, ironically my ass received a karmic kicking when someone I had become close to and mutually expressed genuine affection toward turned around and literally threw the “I thought you understood” excuse at me, and this time I got multiple feedbacks as to what the overall interpretation was! (My friends are thankfully sane enough to explain shit to me and read stuff I might not be able to fully get), basically we’d come from another fandom, we’d been in a group and when that bunch fell apart, we stayed together as friends, talking, hanging on skype, playing games online, that shit, it felt right and we had both vocally expressed the desire to be a thing, to the point where love was mentioned, we both wanted to take it slow because of X, Y and Z but it was said, it was confirmed, this wasn’t just me, they wanted to be a couple too...and then...karma. It was New Years, they were going to see a movie with a friend of a friend because they never left the house or talked to anyone so I just assumed this was what my sister tried to suggest I do sometimes, go and meet people, go and interact with the world....noooooooooooo. The morning after we Skype called and they talked about the movie, about the other person and suddenly the tone went from “we hung out” to “we groped each other during the movie and they want to hang out again sometime”.
Yeah, like that scene in gta where you have to smash into the van with the tow truck, I literally stood in my living room with tears streaming down my face while putting on a happy voice, acting like “omg you hoe! Details, are they hot? Can we share?” It went from “I’m falling in love with you, can’t wait to see you, Babe” to “Thought you understood what we said” real quick. After that, I became second fiddle, our mutual taking it slow was no longer even existence and it was painfully obvious that my presence was one of “youre such a sweetheart, if nobody wants me, you get dibs” like I know that sounds like the worst way to put things but that was it, I am not even joking, for six months they loved me and then the second someone better appeared, whoop bye bye. Karma clapped me good. Understandably after that, I didn’t stick around, and trying to get closure was like trying to mash cured ham through a strainer.
The reason for talking about this stems from the insta posts I do at like 1AM, LOL NEED A GF HOUR. because genuinely I do want someone, eventually, and after the bullshit, I’m more than happy to wait however long to find them, to learn how to not fuck up or be fucked up, how to not bottle up every feeling to exploding point, how to just be a better me, for myself and them. After the hurt I caused and received, it’s become really really obvious that this shit takes time, effort, growth, if you want it you better be willing to fight for it, and I wanna be, I do, and this post is to talk about it, those feelings, that LOL moment where I feel alone, like that someone for me isn’t here yet and I need them to be, but then again, why rush? If waiting means the right person comes along, why hurry?
Maybe it’s sort of an underline sad feeling, like I’m sad and lonely, hurry up future spouse. Or maybe my heart just aches, in a fucking cheesy way of saying things.
I dunno, but just read this when you need to learn something or if you’re just feeling like you need a pep talk and wanna feel like not a complete fail. I’m trash, but if you open the bag and root round, you’ll find a penny, something kinda worth the stench of year old milk
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