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the-cult-of-russo · 1 year

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Endorphins (Part 3)

Pairing: Reader/Billy Russo

Warnings: cursing, angst, pain, the usual dark shit. I don't wanna tag it too like specifically to keep the suspense alive lmao the usual Punisher type of bullshit. It’s nothing you haven’t read before if you’ve read my other angsty shit.

A/N: Soooo this was a request but it turned into multiple parts because I got carried away. And I don't wanna put the request on here like I usually do because of spoilers lmaooo

But to answer the rest of your ask anon, I know, I was away awhile. Life hasn’t been kind to me and then I ended up knee-deep in another fandom lmao But I’m back babeeeyyyy!! ;)

Also, the name of this series is from a Don Broco song with the same name. If you don’t know who they are, check them out. They’re my fav band and I love them.

I got endorphins running through my veins

I got endorphins keeping me awake

No, I can't help making big mistakes

I gotta give it up up, give it up

I got endorphins running through my veins

I got endorphins keeping me awake

But I can't help make 'em anyway

I gotta give it up up, give it up

—-----

It was a few days after Billy had been shot and you’d been secretly contacting landlords. You knew Billy wouldn't be happy about it but he seemed in no rush to get you to leave and it was getting hard to be around him so much after what happened. So far though, there hadn’t been anything good you felt comfortable with taking. You might have been in a rush, but you weren’t about to just take any place. You wanted it to be right. You slipped into Billy’s office after knocking and getting no answer. You knew he wouldn't mind you being in his office on your own, you’d done it plenty of times by now. All you needed was a file for the meeting the next day. You wanted to go over it to make sure you had all your ducks in a row. You were planning on taking it back with you to study over night. You tried the filing cabinet but it was locked so you moved over to Billy’s desk. You knew the key was around there somewhere. You cursed yourself for losing yours. With no sign of it on his desk, you opened one of his drawers. But your hunt for the key was long forgotten as you saw a case file with your name on it.

You blinked at it for a moment before glancing to the door and then back to the file. You weren't sure why you had a file or why it was in here. Maybe it was a personnel file. You shrugged, grabbing it, figuring you'd put it back in the filing cabinet. Curiosity bit at you though. You wondered what was in there. It felt pretty thick. You wouldn't look though, it wasn't in your job to look and it would break Billy’s trust. So once you found the key to the filing cabinet, you made your way back over. As the drawer jostled open, the file slipped from your hands and pictures scattered on the floor. Your blood ran cold when you saw them. They were pictures of you. You crouched quickly, flipping through the mountain of pictures as your heart picked up uncomfortably. They looked like surveillance pictures or something. You getting groceries, you walking home, you doing everyday things. And worst of all, they weren't all recent. Some were from the year before and some from the year before that. Ones of you coming out of your old job, some with your colleagues. There were pictures of you outside of your apartment and even a few of you in your apartment window on the phone. You felt sick. You moved the pictures out of the way to the pile of papers behind of them. Medical records. There was the record of you going to the hospital after Billy insisted that you be checked out when you were mugged. One from when you broke your arm two years ago after taking a tumble at work. How the hell did he get these? They were confidential. The paper after that had your body seize up. It was some kind of police record. The mugshot staring at you was the man who mugged you. Leonard Yates. He’d been arrested for multiple things and his release date from prison had been the day before you’d gotten mugged. Your head was spinning as you tried to understand what you were looking at. It didn't make sense for Billy to have these things. This wasn’t normal things to have on your employees. Or your best friend. These were surveillance pictures and personal and confidential information. Things he shouldn't have. And who the hell had taken these pictures? You thought you’d gotten to know Billy pretty well over your time here at Anvil, especially staying with him. But looking at this now, you felt like you didn't know him at all and it terrified you. You’d spent so much time with him, bonded so much. And yet, he had all of these weird things stored in his desk the whole time.

You heard the door and panicked, scooping the contents back in the file and standing up so fast your head spun. You clutched the file to your chest, keeping your name facing you as Billy walked in.

“Hey, you need somethin’?” he asked, closing the door behind him. You tried to calm yourself. You didn’t want to confront him, you were far too scared and confused right now. You just wanted to leave. You didn't want him to know anything was wrong. Your brain was having a hard time adjusting to what you’d found and that it was your Billy that had this stuff. If it was just the papers and not the pictures, you might have asked him about it. You normally felt comfortable enough with him, trusted him with your life. But after seeing all of those pictures, you felt uncomfortable. A dread prickling at you that screamed at you to run. For the first time, you didn't trust him at all.

“I just needed the file on McDaniels. Thought I’d take it with me tonight and read up,” you smiled, willing your heart to calm down before it beat out of your chest. Billy nodded, eyes going to the filing cabinet, his desk and then the file in your hands in quick succession and you felt unable to breathe.

“You find it alright?” he asked. He didn't sound like he suspected anything and you let out a shaky breath as you nodded.

“Yeah. I’ll leave you to it,” you smiled, rushing past him and to the door. Just as you had it open slightly, his hand was on it slamming it shut. You whimpered, body seizing up as he stood over your shoulder, strong arm keeping the door shut.

“You really shouldn’ta snooped, Y/N,” he sighed from behind you. His voice felt rough in your ears but there was an air of resignation to it.

“I didn’t. I was just looking for the file and I found it,” you bit out, you knew it was futile though. You both knew it. He grabbed your arm and moved you away from the door, putting himself between you and it. You felt your legs shake slightly as you tried to figure out how to get out of the situation you found yourself in. How did it come to this? That your best friend was the one you were afraid of?

“Please just let me leave, Billy,” you begged softly, your voice almost a whisper. He tilted his head at you as he rolled his shoulder.

“You know I can’t do that. Not now you’ve seen shit you weren't supposta see,” he muttered as he shook his head. He wore an odd expression you’d never seen directed at you before. It was intense. A mixture of sadness and anger. Disappointment.

"I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for what's in the file. I'm sure you have them on everyone who works here," you weren't sure who you were trying to convince at this point. He laughed incredulously, brows raising as he gave you a look.

"That's funny. See… that was what I was gonna say if you ever found it. Yet now, here we are and even I know you don't believe that. I shoulda known you were smarter than that," he looked amused and it only unsettled you even more. He looked nothing like the Billy you’d grown to care for.

"Sit down," he commanded as he gestured to the sofa across the room before snatching the file from your hands. All you wanted to do was flee the room but you knew you had no chance. As soft and kind as he'd been with you, you knew how lethal he could be. You had no chance. So you obediently moved over to the sofa and sat down. Billy tossed the file onto the coffee table in front of it before he sauntered over to a cupboard to pour a drink. Your eyes darted from him to the door. You really didn't think you'd make it. His reflexes were scary. You could scream since some people were still in the building but he could easily snap your neck before anyone got close enough to help you. You were broken out of your morbid thoughts by Billy thrusting a glass of what looked to be bourbon in your hands before he plonked himself onto the table. Now he was sitting opposite you and far too close for comfort. He took a long pull of his drink, rolling his shoulder and working his jaw.

"You wanna know the truth about why I gave you this job?" He asked pointedly. His dark eyes were too much to bear and you looked down at your drink, a feeling of dread curling low in your stomach. When you didn't give him an answer he decided to continue.

"I've been watchin' you for the past two years," he stated it so casually, like he was talking about the weather and your eyes snapped up to him then, wide and panicked. You should have gathered that from the pictures but you'd naively hoped he wasn't behind the pictures and that he'd just acquired them. The invasion of your privacy made your skin crawl and you felt sick.

"Mr Johnson used to talk about you all the time. I didn't get it. Didn't get why you were so special. At one point I figured you were fuckin' him or some shit but I knew he'd be talkin' about it if he was. And then…" he trailed off with a light laugh, licking his lower lip before he took another pull of his drink. "Then I met you at that ball. Soon as I laid eyes on you it felt like I'd been hit by a damn Mack truck. I wanted you. And all night you were out of reach. And when you finally do come my way, you give me a breezy hello before you prance right back off again. Like you looked right through me and I wasn't even there," he murmured softly before laughing again.

"And you know… I think it just made me want you even more," he chuckled, shaking his head. You really didn't know what to say. You felt many things and none of them good. The worst part was knowing if Billy had approached you again that night, you probably would have gone along with it. You'd never have known the darkness that lay inside of him. The man sitting right in front of you was like a completely different person to the one you knew and it was terrifying.

"You've got no idea how many times I asked Mr Johnson to let you go. To let me have you. Everytime I offered him money, it didn't matter what amount, it was always the same answer. You were priceless. And I mean, I agree with him, but it didn't exactly give me what I wanted so I had to take matters into my own hands," he smirked darkly. Your heart faltered as you blinked slowly at him, brows furrowed. He laughed again. That awful amused and condescending laugh that you realized you hated.

"See… that look right there. You really have no idea, do you?" he chuckled.

"About what?" You asked breathlessly. This Billy was not the Billy you were used to and you really didn't like it. You felt like you’d had the rug pulled out from under you and your brain was having a hard time processing any of it.

“Well, Mr Johnson was in the way of givin’ me what I wanted. So I hadta get rid of him,” he explained slowly, as if talking to a child. You shook your head rapidly, stomaching churning.

“You- You couldn't have. He had a heart attack, I saw it happen,” you argued weakly. You didn't know why he’d lie to you about this. The smile he gave you was chilling and you clutched your glass tightly.

“No, see he didn’t just have a heart attack. He had a heart attack ‘cause I switched his meds,” he answered. You felt like you were going to throw up as you stared right at his cold and emotionless face. You wondered if this was some kind of nightmare. You hoped it was. This was nothing like the kind and caring Billy you’d grown to know. Your mouth opened but you had no idea what to say with that devastating bomb dropped on you. You were pretty sure you’d burst into tears at knowing you were the reason he was dead, but you felt oddly numb on the inside. Some sort of shock. So instead, you chugged from the glass, needing something you knew you wouldn't find there.

“Don’t… don’t give me that look,” he huffed, shaking his head with a frown.

“What look?” you bit out. Your tone was harsh but at this point, you were pretty sure you were next on his list so you found it hard to care about being polite anymore. Mr Johnson had taken care of you. He was almost fatherly. And he’d been taken away because the man in front of you had some kind of sick obsession with you. One that started when he met you and you barely paid him any notice. Would any of this have happened if you’d have paid him a little more attention? If you’d have gone home with him that night, would he have quickly realized you weren't worth it and grown bored?

“You’re givin’ me that goddamn disappointed look. It's all over your face. And I know… I know you cared about him but he had to go. If he didn’t, you wouldn't be sittin’ here right now,” he muttered tensely. There was a strange look in his eyes and you couldn't tell if it was thinly concealed rage or desperation. Maybe a bit of both.

“Do Frank and Karen know any of this?” you asked warily. The idea that the pair were in on it made your head spin. They’d been so kind to you, you’d become friends. But then again, the same could be said about Billy. He barked a laugh at your words and gave you a look like you were stupid.

“You really think I could talk to them about this? Besides, they’re too wrapped up in each other to notice I exist most days,” he scoffed, bitterness coating his tone. It gave you only a tiny modicum of relief that the past few months hadn't all been lies. No, just the parts where Billy was involved. Where he’d gained your trust so completely that you would have trusted him with your life. You’d seemingly resigned yourself to the fact that you wouldn't be getting out of this. You knew too much. He couldn't just let you go. And since this was it for you, you wanted some more answers.

“The mugging… you had something to do with that, didn't you?” you asked plainly, a blank look on your face as you met his eyes. He scrunched his face up a little, rolling his shoulder as he looked down before back at you.

“I didn’t… I never wanted to hurt you. I didn’t. But I needed somethin’ to bring you closer to me. Things weren’t movin’ like I wanted them to, so I made it happen. I know some people. I managed to get him out if he agreed to do it. But he was just supposedta scare you. Maybe push you about a bit. And when I saw what he did to you… well lets just say he won’t be around to hurt anyone else,” he bit out, dark eyes flashing dangerously. You subconsciously moved back in your seat, trying to create space even though it didn't work very well. Your body was starting to feel heavy and you wondered if the stress was going to kill you before Billy did.

“You got a guy to mug me… and then killed him for mugging me?” you asked derisively. You hadn’t meant to say it out loud but at this point, did it really matter? Being scared wouldn't help you get out of this alive. Nothing would. He pinned you in place with a hard look, his jaw ticking a little.

“I got a guy to scare you and he ended up assaulting you,” he replied tensely. You didn’t feel like trying to argue. He was clearly unhinged. You didn’t reply and instead finished your drink. Maybe if you were drunk it wouldn't hurt so much when you were murdered. Would the actual murder hurt more than the deep betrayal you were currently feeling? You weren't sure that was possible.

The silence was thick in the air and Billy never took his eyes off you even though you were staring at your empty glass. He seemed on edge by the lack of conversation.

“I’m not gonna say sorry, ‘cause I’m not,” he admitted shamelessly. You snorted a mirthless laugh as your eyes once again met his.

“Of course you're not,” you shook your head with a roll of your eyes. How hadn't you seen it? Were there red flags? Or maybe you ignored them because you loved your job here. You’d grown to enjoy it and the people and you’d grown close to the monster in front of you.

“I’m not. ‘Cause it worked. It brought you closer to me. I remember… back when you first started here. When you saw someone followin’ you home, you came to me about it. And it felt…” he trailed off with a soft laugh and you watched as he closed his eyes, a strangely soft look passing on his face. “It felt so fuckin’ good. You came to me for help, for protection. You trusted me. And doin’ what I did only made that stronger,” he said firmly. You blinked slowly at him for a moment, your head feeling fuzzy. It seemed like the more he spoke, the more your brain was having a hard time processing his words.

“It was you, wasn’t it? Following me home?” you asked with a sigh. He rubbed the scruff on his face a little as he flexed his hands.

“It doesn’t matter,” he muttered dismissively.

“Of course it fucking matters, Billy. Don’t you think after all of this I at least deserve the truth?” you asked. You hated how your voice cracked, a sliver of emotion peeking out of the numbness. He frowned as if the hurt in your voice was hurting him.

“Fine, you want the truth? Yeah, it was me. I also had a strong word with your landlord which is why you ended up with me. I planned it all. And I did it all for you. For us,” he implored, leaning forward a little. You instinctively moved back and he didn’t look happy about it.

“There is no us,” you huffed, your voice cold. His dark eyes narrowed to slits as he worked his jaw and you wondered if this would be the moment he killed you. Instead, he closed his eyes and inhaled a deep breath as if to steady himself. The idea of upsetting him pleased something inside of you. He’d hurt you so deeply with all of this. All the lies and betrayal. Making you feel something for him only for him to turn out to be deranged. You were going to die anyway. The least you could do was hurt him too.

“I don’t get it. I really don't fucking get it, Billy. You did all this for ‘us’, yet you kissed me. You kissed me and then said sorry. You could have taken what you wanted,” you scoffed, using air quotes when you said ‘us’. He let out a frustrated noise, running his hands through his hair and making it unusually disheveled.

“You’re right, you don't get it. I knew you weren't ready. I knew if it happened then you’d pull away. I couldn't have that. I didn't mind playin’ the long game if I got you in the end. There was no way I’d get you just for you to walk away,” he glowered.

“Right, because you care so much,” you muttered. His eyes flared with something dangerous but your body seemed disconnected from your head. You didn't even tense.

“I do care!” he hissed at you.

“No, you don't! You’re insane! You’re obsessed with me!” you yelled back, not even caring if anyone was still here at this point. He slammed his glass down onto the coffee table so hard you were surprised it didn't shatter and this time your body did react as you jumped a little.

“I love you! You -You don’t get to minimize that! You don't get to tell me this is just an obsession! I know what I feel. I’m in love with you, Y/N, and all of this shit has been so we could be together!” he insisted vehemently. You knew there was no point in reasoning with him. You just wanted this to be over with. Your head didn't feel quite right and you wondered if drinking the bourbon had been a good idea. You stood up, not really knowing what your next move was. But when you did, you found your body feeling like jello and you almost fell right over. Billy caught you effortlessly, now standing in front of you. You’d been feeling a little odd, but chalked it up to the intensely stressful situation you found yourself in. But this felt different. Wrong.

“What…?” you murmured, trying to regain control of your limbs to pull away from him. Your body didn't seem to obey you anymore. When you blinked up at him as he still held you tightly, he gave you a dark smile.

“Shouldn’t drink on the job, sweetheart,” he smirked. This wasn’t just the alcohol, this was something else. He’d drugged your drink, of course he did. You were stupid to accept a drink from an absolute psycho who was obsessed with you. But the more you internally panicked, the worse it got and your vision was getting fuzzy.

“Just relax, Y/N,” was the last thing you heard before darkness consumed you.

—-----

You woke with a startled gasp, your bleary eyes on the ceiling as everything came back to you. Through your blinding headache, you could feel you were under a duvet and you hoped you’d had a bad dream. A very vivid, awful dream. But when you glanced around, you noticed you weren’t on Billy’s couch. You were in his bed. The only time you’d been to his room was to put him to bed when he’d been drunk, you always respected that boundary. All the while he was crossing every one of yours. You moved to sit up and your body still felt heavy and it ached. You had more control than you did before in the office though and after some struggling, you managed to sit up and lean against the headboard. It felt like it used all of the little energy you had though and you put your head in your hands. It felt like someone was beating you with a baseball bat.

“Here, you need to drink this,” Billy murmured as he walked in, making you jump a little. His voice was low and soft as if he was concerned. He was holding a bottle of water in his hand as he walked over, opening it as he perched on the bed next to you.

“Is that a joke? The last time I drank something you gave me, you drugged me,” you muttered, glowering at him. He sighed with a little frown, still holding the bottle out to you.

“That was necessity. I needed to get you outta there without you causin’ a scene. But now you need to drink this or you’ll feel a hell of a lot worse,” he said apologetically. You chewed your lower lip for a moment as you considered your options here. He hadn’t killed you like you thought he might. He had a perfect opportunity when you were knocked out. But somehow him kidnapping you felt worse. You knew he hadn't done anything to you while you’d slept though as you were still fully dressed. The only thing missing being your shoes. Now you had a choice to make. You could keep resisting and making it difficult and he probably would end up killing you. Or you could play along with his bullshit until he trusted you enough. Then you could escape. You weren’t sure just how long it would take to get him to really believe you, but if it meant you didn’t die then you’d do it. You weren’t ready to give up just yet. You’d play along with his twisted fantasy and at the first chance you got, you’d flee. You gave him a look for a moment as he watched you patiently, looking more like the Billy you were used to than the crazy person back in his office. It unsettled you. You took the bottle of water and sipped on it. You hadn’t realized how thirsty you were until your body demanded more and you ended up chugging on it. Whatever he’d dosed you with apparently dehydrated you too. He looked pleased you’d acquiesced to his demand as you placed the bottle on the bedside table.

You tensed when his hand came up to your face, resisting the urge to shove it away as he cupped your cheek tenderly. It reminded you so much of the day he’d kissed you when he was drunk, back when he was normal Billy to you. It hurt. His hand then moved to your forehead as if checking for a fever as he worriedly looked at you.

“How are you feelin’?” he asked softly.

“Like I’ve been drugged,” you muttered wryly. You didn’t mean to, you weren't supposed to be sassing him right now. But you knew if you had any hope of him trusting you, you couldn't just declare your undying love for him. He wasn’t stupid by any means. You had to slowly seem like you were warming up to him. Do as he asked and act grateful. He snorted at your words but it didn't have any mirth in it. He looked disappointed as he moved his hand away from you.

“I know you're upset… but you gotta know, I don’t wanna hurt you,” he sighed. You dug your nails into your palms to try and stop your mouth from blurting out things that wouldn't help your plan.

“I know you don't. I just don't get it, Billy. Why didn’t you just come and talk to me again two years ago? Ask me out? Why all of… this?” you asked carefully. You’d let him try to explain himself. Try to justify his bullshit. And you’d let him believe that you were starting to understand him. He licked his lower lip, staring at the wall for a moment before he looked back at you.

“I’ve been with a lot of women. I’ve seen a woman and knew I had to have her for one night. But with you… with you it was different. I knew I didn't want you for just one night and it confused me. Ain’t ever felt that shit before and I wasn’t sure what to do. I’m used to feelin’ important, havin’ women fallin’ at my feet. But you… you acted like you didn’t give a shit,” he chuckled wistfully, raking his teeth over his lower lip.

“And I felt it. That… bitter sting of rejection. And I knew if I spoke to you and you did it again, I wouldn't be able to deal with it. I don't deal with rejection well. Was given up as a kid by my drug-addict mother who loved drugs more than her own kid. I know what it's like to feel unwanted like that. And with that sucker punch of emotion I felt when we met, I fuckin’ knew it would kill me. And I was scared… So I didn’t. And then I wanted to know you better, figured if I did, maybe I had a better chance. Find some common ground. But I could never… I could never find the goddamn balls to just reach out. It's why I kept pesterin’ Mr Johnson to let you work for me. I knew if I could just get you there with me and spend some time together, you’d feel it too. That I could get you to love me. But the longer I went without you, the more I needed you. And it just kinda snowballed from there,” he murmured, looking down at his hands. He sounded like he genuinely believed his words. Like he thought it was a valid justification for stalking and kidnapping you, for murmuring your boss, getting you kicked out, for getting someone to mug you and then killing them. But you didn't correct him because it wouldn't help your plan. You stayed quiet for a moment, not really knowing what to say that would make it seem like you were starting to come around, because you weren’t. But Billy continued anyway.

“You know… you called me insane back at the office and maybe you’re right. Lovin’ you has made me crazy. Wantin’ somethin’ I couldn't have so much. And it's not just superficial bullshit either,” he huffed, his dark imploring turning to you once more with so much intensity you felt your heart skip a beat.

“I love you. I love you with everythin’ I have. There isn't a damn thing I wouldn't do for you,” he said fervently. Except let me go, your mind supplied.

“And I know you don’t believe me, not yet. But you will. I know I can be… intense. But I ain’t ever loved someone before. Ain’t ever felt like this. But what I do know is that you belong to me and I belong to you,” he insisted.

You really didn't know what to say. Your brain scrambled with something to say to him to get your plan in motion. You really didn't want to be here with him for longer than necessary. It was a far cry from the comfort you usually felt with him.

“You should have just told me how you felt. You didn't need to do all of this, I never had to find out. You knew I felt something for you because I kissed you back. If you would have just told me how you felt, you’d have found out I felt the same. It didn't need to come to this,” you said softly, trying to swallow down the bile those words brought you as you lied. He looked at you for a long moment, a million and one emotions passing on his face before he snorted.

“You don't love me,” he shook his head, his voice sounding pained.

“Maybe not. Maybe it's not love yet. But I feel something. When you kissed me, the only reason I got spooked is because you have a reputation. I didn't want things to change, I didn’t want you to get rid of me the second we had sex like all the others. I like working at Anvil, with you. I didn't want you to just drop me like the others because I care about you,” you frowned. It wasn't a total lie. That had been the main reason why you’d freaked out. You wouldn't say you loved Billy, even before finding out how crazy he was. But you definitely had felt something. You’d grown to care about him deeply and more than just a friend, but you hadn’t allowed yourself to fall in love with him. He clasped your hand quickly and your breathing hitched as he looked at you like you’d just murdered a puppy in front of him.

“I would never treat you that way,” he insisted firmly. You knew your plan was working.

“Well, how would I know that if you didn't tell me how you felt?” you asked with a shrug. With one of his hands still holding onto yours, he scooted closer as his other grasped your jaw gently and tilted your face up to his. Being so close to him made you dizzy and not in a good way like it had done before.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I was too much of a coward to tell you how I really felt. I’m sorry it came to this. But you feel somethin’... I know we can get past this. We can be happy together,” he implored. Despite everything he’d done, you felt a pang of pity at his hopeful face and words. He’d briefly mentioned about his childhood and you felt bad that this small child had been so damaged by being unloved that this is what he turned into. But you wouldn’t excuse what he’d done. You couldn't. No matter how sorry you might feel for him, he was dangerous. And you couldn't let yourself get sucked into his bullshit.

“I want to be happy,” you whispered, looking into his dark eyes. Not with him. You could never be happy with him. But you wanted to live. You wanted to get out of here and live a long and happy life and forget this ever happened. He smiled softly, his thumb stroking your cheek as he leaned in. You knew what he was expecting and you knew you had to give it to him since your plan was working. You closed your eyes as his lips met yours and you tried to pretend Billy wasn't a monster. He was the soft and kind Billy you’d grown to know since working with him. The Billy who would make butterflies swarm your belly without having to do much. The Billy you felt safe with. You kissed him back, trying to make him believe your lie and he groaned softly, deepening the kiss. You felt sick. But you didn't let it show as you leaned closer to him and kissed him with as much fake desire as you could. When he pulled away, he was looking down at you like you were made of gold. It made your chest hurt. You'd never had anyone love you. It felt like a sick cosmic joke that when it happened it made them deranged. If he wasn't crazy, it would be great. Having someone adore you this much. But it wasn't a sweet and innocent love. It was tainted by blood and lies.

He stroked your cheek one more time before moving away from you and you felt like you could finally breathe again.

“Are you uh… you hungry? I can go grab you somethin’?” he asked after clearing his throat. This could be it. Your window of opportunity.

“I could eat,” you smile tentatively. He grinned then, looking more relaxed than you'd seen him since you’d found that disgusting file. He nodded, standing up and hovering a little.

“There’s a Chinese place just down the street. I know it's your favorite. You just rest,” he murmured, giving one last smile before he walked away. He only knew it was your favorite because he’d been stalking you for two years, not because you were friends and your fake smile dropped the second he left the room. You held your breath until you heard the front door shut and your body sagged. This was it. You waited a little longer on the off chance he’d seen right through you. But when all that greeted you was silence, you tried to get out of bed. Your body was still weak and groggy and you had a hard time standing up. But this was life or death and you weren’t about to let your stupid body ruin it for you. You shuffled into the living area, peeking around anxiously as if you thought he was about to materialize out of thin air. There was no one here though and you tried to get to the door like you were wading through molasses. When you finally reached it, you tried to open it to find it locked. Of course it was. So he didn't trust you completely yet, you were stupid to think he would. But now what? You couldn't stand the thought of staying here with him any longer. How long would it take until he trusted you so much that you’d be able to just walk out of the door? You couldn't do it. You didn't have it in you. You knew he’d expect you to be intimate with him too and the thought made you feel sick. The idea of Billy getting you into bed wasn't appealing as it had been once. Now it just made dread fill up your entire being. If you stuck around, he’d know you were lying and you’d wind up dead. You had to get out of here.

You felt like you’d spent ages trying to pick the lock on the door with a paperclip you’d found and a flathead screwdriver. You’d seen it in a movie once and they'd made it look easy. They lied. But as the seconds ticked by, you knew Billy was getting closer to coming back and your fear turned to blind panic. You couldn't go along with your plan. You were going to die. It was you or him, and you knew who you’d be picking. You dived away from the door when you heard the jingling of keys outside of it and you clutched the screwdriver in your hands, rushing to the kitchen area behind the counter. You felt like you couldn't breathe. You quickly hid the screwdriver behind your back as he opened the door and he looked startled to see you as he walked in with a bag to take out.

“You're up?” he asked, no inflection in his voice to tell you what he thought about it.

“I was getting fed up with just laying there. Trying to get my muscles going again. I hope that's okay?” you gave him a sweet smile and he gave you one back as he gestured to the table.

“Guess we can eat here then,” he mused. As he walked into the kitchen space to grab plates, you moved around the other side of the island, trying to keep the screwdriver hidden from him. Now your back was to him, you had it clutched tightly in front of you. Your eyes glanced to the now unlocked door. Surely he wouldn't chase you down once you got out of the apartment and down the stairs. There were other people living here too. They’d call the cops. He wasn't stupid.

“What the…?” Billy's confused voice had you turning around as he moved to grab the bent paperclip from the floor where he’d seemingly stood on it. His eyes met yours then and now you’d turned to him, he could see the screwdriver. You saw it flash all over his face and you made a dash for the door with a yelp. But with your body still in slow motion mode, he grabbed you before you got there. You swung wildly behind you with the screwdriver and you hated how easily he disarmed you. Any self-defense he’d taught you went flying out of the window in your state of panic but you weren't sure it would help you against someone like Billy anyway.

“Let me go!” you screamed, crying out when your back suddenly got slammed into the wall harshly. Now you were face to face with a very angry-looking Billy. He also looked hurt.

“You lied to me?” he asked, voice low and dangerous but wobbling ever so slightly.

“Like you haven't been lying to me all this time?” you hissed at him.

“I told you, I told you why I did all that!” he yelled, his dark eyes looking more unhinged than you’d ever seen them.

“You’re fucking insane! You’ve been stalking me for years and now you've kidnapped me and you really think this is normal? Do you really think I could ever love someone like you, Billy? You're a monster!” you sobbed helplessly.

“Don’t you say that!” he screamed, slamming you back into the wall and making you cry harder at the pain.

“You're nothing but a monster and I could never love you,” you bit out through your tears. He looked like you’d just stabbed him right through the chest at your words, his obsidian eyes full of unshed tears. You knew you were fucked so what did it matter anyway? But you wouldn't go down without a fight. You brought your knee up and kicked him in the groin, making him roar with pain and anger as he stumbled away from you. You tried to scramble to the door but he gripped the back of your shirt.

“I won't let you leave me!” he roared as he yanked you back so roughly you went careening backwards. You head smacked into the corner of the wooden coffee table and nothing mattered anymore.

Billy’s chest was heaving as he looked down at you for a moment. You didn't get back up. You didn't keep saying hurtful things to him. You were still, like a doll. And then he noticed blood rapidly pooling from under your head.

“No,” he whispered brokenly, rushing to you and dropping to his knees.

“Wake up, Y/N!” he demanded through a choked sob, tapping your face. You didn't move. His fingers went to your neck but there was no pulse. No anything.

“No! No, no, no! Don't do this to me!” he cried desperately, shaking you as if that would wake you up. He’d done the unthinkable. He never wanted to hurt you and now you were gone. He sobbed, clutching your body to him and not caring about the blood he was getting all over him.

“Please, I’m sorry. I’m sorry!” he begged helplessly as he cradled you. After a few moments, a cold emptiness settled over him like a blanket. You were gone. And he’d done this to you. He’d taken away the only thing he ever loved. He was like a poison. Spreading into everything he cared about. And what did he have without you? Nothing mattered. Not Anvil, his money, Frank or Karen. None of it mattered if he didn't have you by his side to enjoy it with. He gently placed you on his sofa before standing up and wiping his tears. Your blood streaked all over his face, but he paid it no mind as he slowly walked over to the fake painting on the wall and opened it to reveal a safe. He punched in the passcode, your birthday. He took out his handgun, already loaded and ready to go. He barely even glanced at it before he made his way back over to you. He carefully moved you so he could sit with your head in his lap, gazing down at your lifeless face. You looked so peaceful. So serene.

“I’ll be with you really soon, baby,” he whispered, holding the gun to his temple. He had to believe that. He loved you so much, did so much for you and for the both of you. There was no way it was all for nothing. You’d be reunited and you’d welcome him with open arms in the afterlife. You had to. A loud gunshot resounded in the apartment and his body went limp over yours. An eerie silence overtook the place then before the faint sound of sirens could be heard making their way there. But it was too late.

#billy russo #billy russo x reader #billy russo fanfic #billy russo imagine

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super-predictable98 · 6 months

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Glass and Gold Child

Chapter 1: One Day in the Life of Alex Yates

Word Count: 2 k

Warning: Strong language, alcohol abuse

a/n: Hello everyone! In my mission to write as many Michael and David characters as I can, here's another effort: a wee rewrite of There She Goes with my OC.

2015:

Simon had been trying to get Rosie to calm down all morning. Ben just watched that disaster unfold while their father tried to drag her back from the park to have dinner.

"Where's your sister when we need her?" Simon groaned, pulling Rosie away from a car that she ran to because the license plate had a big X on it, her absolute favorite.

"What's going on?" Alex asked when she came back from her judo practice. She still wore her white trousers with a black tank top and her brown belt wrapped around her waist.

"Fuck, Alexandra, there you are! Can you…?"

"Hey, Rosie!" She greeted with a big smile.

"X! X!" The little girl called.

"That's me, come on, are you gonna be good or will I have to give these wotsits to Dad?"

Rosie let out a happy screech when she saw the blue package and reached for it. It was never too quiet around her, she was always making noises to communicate, but those happy noises were always welcome.

She took the snack from Alex and gave her older sister a clumsy hug.

"Can you say thank you?" Alexandra asked.

In response, Rosie did the sign in BSL and her sister ruffled her hair.

"You're a miracle worker," Simon sighed as they walked from the park. "You can't be going around and leaving us alone. She needs you."

"You hear how insane that sounds, Dad?" Ben chuckled. "She's not her mum, besides, she was at practice not even hanging out."

"Not helping, Ben," he hissed.

"It went well then?" Emily, the matriarch of the family, asked while she prepared the food.

"As well as it can go," Simon murmured, watching the kids get around the table. "I was thinking, what if we never send Alex to college?"

"What? Are you insane?"

"You know what I mean! Sometimes she's the only one who can calm Rosie down and can you imagine the epic meltdown that Darwin's little exception is gonna have when her big sis moves out?"

"Simon, we can't just ask Alex not to live her life. We're their parents, it's our job to look after them, not hers."

"Now you just sound like Ben!"

"Because even an 11-year-old boy has more common sense than you! She's 17, she'll leave eventually, we're gonna have to make it work."

"Remember when it was just her?" Simon smiled.

"When you were not a total prick? Yeah, I remember."

2001:

"Where's Daddy?" Alexandra asked, crawling on the floor, even after she learned how to walk, she still loved to crawl.

"He's coming home, remember when I told you about Daddy working to buy your Christmas presents?" Emily picked up her little girl and kissed her forehead. "Why do you love Daddy so much? Can't it be Mummy?"

"No! Only Daddy," Alex laughed at her mother's expression when she said that.

"Where are my girls?" Simon opened the door and opened his arms to take his daughter. "There's my little princess! How you doing, sweet pea?"

"Good! I missed you!"

"I missed you too!" He bounced her and kissed all over her chubby little cheeks. "Oh, there's my queen."

"Good one," Emily laughed. "She's been talking about you all day, she's a little chatterbox."

"Aww but that's cute! Remember when she'd speak full sentences before she could even walk? It was a nice party trick."

"I know, and it's cute, but I do hope our next daughter is less chatty. For my sanity."

"I heard that!" Alex gasped.

"See, now you hurt my little princess!" Simon joked. "Can you get me a beer, Em?"

"Noooo I don't like beer Daddy," the little girl cried.

"Wow, that is not concerning at all…" Emily arched an eyebrow. "Did Daddy ever hurt you after drinking beer?"

"Only on the inside…"

"No! I'm not-! You meant your heart, right? I hurt your feelings?" Simon asked, panicked.

"Yeah, you were mean."

"See, Em? Never say that again, sweetie, people might get the wrong idea and then they'll take Daddy to jail. Is that what you want?"

"No! We need to watch Barbie and the Nutcracker!"

"Good girl, if Daddy's in jail he can't watch Barbie and the Nutcracker with you."

2006:

"HIYAAAAAA!" Alex jumped on her father's stomach after bringing him to the floor with a rather flawless valley drop.

"Jesus Christ! That's what we're paying for? For you to learn how to kill your father in karate?" Simon groaned, curling up into a ball.

"It's judo, Daddy!" She laughed.

"Oh pardon me, I wouldn't wanna be rude to the little girl who just broke my ribs. You're always complaining I'm not home enough and when I am, you just wanna punish me."

Alexandra frowned and wrapped her little arms around him, kissing his cheek. She did complain because ever since her mum got pregnant, she would barely see him at all.

He was always 'at work' or with his friends and whenever she saw him, it was beer Daddy, not the one she loved.

"I'm sorry, I didn't wanna hurt you."

"Hey, sweetheart, it's okay," Simon assured, kissing the top of her head. "Daddy's sorry, okay? I wish I could be home more, but- it's hard to explain, my baby. Sometimes grown-ups do silly things even when they know it's wrong and then when they try to undo it, they can't right away. But I promise I'll make it better."

"Are you and Mummy getting divorced?"

"Why did you have to be such a smart girl?" He sighed. "I don't know, darling, I don't want to, but sometimes it's what's best for mummies and daddies."

"And then we'll never see you again?"

"Of course you'll see me, Alex! Even if one day I'm no longer Mummy's husband, I'm still your and your siblings' daddy, that'll never change. You're stuck with me for life, kiddo. Is that okay? You being stuck with your old man?"

"That's okay," Alex smiled. "I wanna come live with you if you leave."

"Why is that, princess?" Simon sat up, a bit worried that she'd given that whole thing so much thought. She shouldn't be pondering on that sort of thing.

"Because Mummy loves Rosie more. She only ever holds Rosie and talks to Rosie and about Rosie."

"Awww Alex, that's not true," he took her in his arms, stroking her long dark waves. "Mummy is only busy with Rosie because she was just born. She's just a little baby and she was born really small, she needs attention."

"I know, but when Ben was born, it wasn't like that. Mummy still loved me when he was a baby."

"Mummy still loves you now, sweetie, don't worry. But if you ever wanna come live with me, that'll be okay and… I mean, not that we're actually getting divorced. That's not happening as far as I'm concerned. Okay?"

"Okay… is it time to go to judo yet?"

"Yeah, it's time, come on."

Simon grabbed her Barbie backpack with her uniform and a little snack.

"Are you gonna stay and watch me?" Alex asked hopefully.

"I can't, sweetie. Daddy's meeting Aunt Helen, but I'll be there when you're done," Simon picked her up and looked up the stairs. "Em! I'm taking the little monster to judo!"

Father and daughter took the train, as Simon wouldn't learn how to drive to save his life, and he dropped her off at her class.

Alex saw Daddy leave and wanted to cry, to scream about how he never sat to watch her practices anymore like the other parents did, but she didn't. She was brave and put on her uniform all by herself.

She diligently got through her class and changed back into her street clothes, excited to tell her father that she was getting a new belt soon.

"Hey, I'm getting the yellow-orange belt, Daddy. It means I'm halfway to getting my orange belt which is my favorite color! I can't wait!" She whispered to herself as she sat right outside the dojo with the other kids.

One by one, the kids were picked up by their parents, but Alexandra stayed there, swinging her little legs and rehearsing what to say to Dad when he finally arrived.

"Yeah, she's still here," the sensei said into the phone. "Don't worry, I know you have a new baby at home, Mrs. Yates, I can drive her. It's no problem."

Alex never got to say her perfectly rehearsed lines celebrating her new achievement. She sat in silence the entire car ride back to her house and when her mother opened the door, she burst into tears.

"Hey, hey sweetie, it's okay," Emily hugged her after putting Rosie down in the crib. "Don't cry, baby. I'm sorry you were scared."

"I wasn't scared! He didn't come and he told me he would! Why won't anyone love me anymore?" Alexandra hit her head on the wall a few times before her mother could catch her.

"Mum? Why is Al hurting herself? Don't hurt yourself, Al!" Ben whispered, bringing her a pillow.

"Hear that? Your brother is worried about you, he loves you and so do I, so does Rosie, so does Daddy. And your grandparents, Aunt Soph…"

"Daddy doesn't love me, he left me there. He's not my daddy anymore!"

"It's not true, Al, you're his precious little princess and he just made a mistake. He forgot he was supposed to be there or he missed the train- the point is, everyone makes mistakes," Emily said even though she was also furious with her husband and that was far from his first fuck up. "Tell me how was class, let me make you something to eat."

"I get a yellow-orange belt next week, I'm not hungry," Alex said while she stomped up the stairs to get to her bedroom.

She hid in there all afternoon and when it was almost time to sleep, the door slowly opened and Simon came in stumbling over himself.

"Mummy just told me what happened, I'm so sorry, my pumpkin pie. I lost track of time, when I realized it was already eight," he slurred.

"Get out of here! You stink, I hate beer Daddy! I hate all daddies! I hate you!"

"I understand, I get it. I love you though and I'm really sorry," he said, too embarrassed to look her in the eye. "Mum told me you're getting a new belt? That's exciting, you're one closer to orange, your favorite."

"Whatever, if you cared you would've watched me."

"I swear, I promise next week I'll be there to see it."

"No, you won't! I don't believe you anymore. Go away, I'm going to sleep."

2015:

"That is my monster, it's ears are so fluffy!" Alex read and closed the book. "Now, my little monster Rosie, it's time for bed."

The noise her sister made was indication she wasn't happy about it.

"I know, I know you don't want to. But let me tell you something. I know you can't talk, but you understand me, right? You get what X is saying?"

Rosie didn't nod or give any proof that it was true, but she stared directly at Alex, she was listening.

"If you close your eyes and fall asleep, you can play with the nice monsters and Hippo in dreamland. Right here," she touched Rosie's head. "Don't you wanna play with Hippo and the monsters from the book? Yeah, I know. So please, close your eyes and sleep, alright? I love you, pretty girl."

When Alexandra put up the gate to stop her sister from leaving the room, she noticed her parents were watching from afar.

"Sorry, I'm gonna go wash the dishes now," she chuckled, knowing she was behind on her chores.

"No! Don't you dare, Alex," Emily hugged her tightly. "You help more than enough and honestly I feel bad about it sometimes. Daddy will do the dishes."

"What? Why me?" Simon yelped. "I mean, yeah, I agree she shouldn't have to after getting Rosie to sleep, but why me?"

"Because you're a lazy arse," Alexandra laughed.

"You know what? Let's just order some pizza and relax while we have a little time," Emily suggested.

"Ah come on! We order pizza every week, let's have something different," Simon wrapped his arms around each of them.

"I don't think lazy arses have the right to decide," Alex laughed. "Come on, let's play a game while we wait. Oh! And remember tomorrow everyone needs to come to the gym, I'm getting my black belt!"

"Don't worry, princess, we'll all be there for you," he smiled.

#there she goes #there she goes fanfic #david tennant fanfic #simon yates #fanfic #au #oc

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skylarynns-silverado · 2 months

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Character Source List

Sources [usually films or television shows - anything else will have notation] will be in bold. Characters will be formatted with their in-universe name, followed by the original character in italics. Name formatting will be [First Name] [Middle Name] ["Nick Name"] [Maiden Name/Original Surname] [Married Name/Taken Surname] as applicable. I will probably also be adding links to everything, but later.

Wanted: Dead or Alive 1958-1961 Joshua Everett "Josh" Randall - Josh Randall

Rawhide 1959-1965 Randolph Jacob "Rowdy" Yates - Rowdy Yates

The Magnificent Seven 1960 Franklin Vaughn "Frank" Randall - Vin Giovanni Vittorio "Gio" Auditore - Bernardo O'Reilly Brittony "Britt" Calvin - Britt Byron Allen Lee III - Lee Carlos "Chico" Hernandez - Chico

The Dollars Trilogy 1964-1966 Jonas Blake "Joey" Yates - The Man With No Name / Joe/Manco/Blondie

Hang 'Em High 1968 Jeremy Cooper "Jed" Yates - Jed Cooper Rachel Warren - Rachel Warren

Once Upon a Time in the West 1969 Emilio "Harmonica" Arman - Harmonica Jorge Gutierrez - Cheyenne

Rustlers' Rhapsody 1985 Revelin "Rex" O'Houlihan - Rex O'Herlihan Peter Twist - Peter

Silverado 1985 [to be honest I'm taking almost all the characters, but main characters/love interests:] Emmett Martell - Emmett Paden Cassidy - Paden Tyree Ransom Ekker - Tyree Hannah Kincaid Weslan [Cobb] - Hannah Weslan Malachi "Mal" Johnson - Malachi "Mal" Johnson Jacob "Rattlesnake Jake" Martell - Jake Stella Bonneville - Stella Rae Johnson - Rae Johnson Phoebe Hartshorne - Phoebe

Quigley Down Under 1990 Matthew Quigley - Matthew Quigley

Maverick 1994 Bret Maverick [Jr.] - Bret Maverick Annabelle Bransford - Annabelle Bransford

The Marshal 1995 Veronica "Ronnie" Davis - Veronica Cole

The Quick and the Dead 1995 Jessamy "Jessie" MacIntyre - The Lady / Ellen Cameron "Cam" McPhee - The Kid / Fee Herod Cortney "Cort" Cobb - Cort

The Magnificent Seven 1998-2000 [much like Silverado I'm taking almost all the characters, but main characters/love interests:] Christian "Chris" Larabee - Chris Larabee Vincent Ulysses "Vin" Tanner - Vin Tanner Nathan Jackson - Nathan Jackson John Daniel "J.D." Dunne - J.D. Dunne Buck Wilmington - Buck Wilmington Ezra Phineas Standish - Ezra Standish Mary Travis - Mary Travis Casey Welles - Casey Welles Inez Recillos - Inez Recillos

Firefly 2002 Robert Malcolm "Bobby" Reynolds - Malcolm "Mal" Reynolds Zoe Martinez - Zoe Alleyne Washbourne Jayne Cobb - Jayne Cobb Eleena Vasquez - Inara Serra Simon Morgan - Simon Tam River Morgan - River Tam Kaylee Frye - Kaywinnit Lee "Kaylee" Frye Sheppard Book - Derrial Book

Supernatural 2005-2020 John Winchester - John Winchester Dean Winchester - Dean Winchester Samuel "Sam" Winchester - Samuel "Sam" Winchester

3:10 to Yuma 2007 Daniel "Dan" Evans - Daniel "Dan" Evans William "Will" Evans - William Evans Benjamin "Ben" Wade - Ben Wade Charles "Charlie" Prince - Charlie Prince

Six of Crows 2015 Caspian/Casimir "Caz" Zima Winters - Kaz Brekker Haruko - Inej Ghafa Christophe "Kit Benny" Benoit - Jesper Fahey Wyatt Vanderbilt - Wylan Van Eck Hannah "Nan" Gallagher - Nina Zenik

The Magnificent Seven 2016 Samuel "Sam" Chisolm - Sam Chisolm Joshua "Josh" Faraday - Josh Faraday Manuel Vasquez - Vasquez Goodnight "Goody" Robicheaux - Goodnight "Goody" Robicheaux Billy Rocks - Billy Rocks Red Harvest - Red Harvest Emma Cullen - Emma Cullen

The Hunters 2020 [a series I am currently working on writing] Elias Hawkins - Elias Walker Hawkins Lucas "Luke" Hearne - Faolan Lucas "Luke" MacTiernan Auryon "Aury" Hearne - Auryon "Aury" Hearne-MacTiernan Hawkins Sebastian "Owl Eyes" St. James Cheyenne - Sylvain Alistair Abigale "Abby" McKenzie - Kindra Arden

Jessta James Music Videos 2021-2022 [specifically Hell's Coming With Me, Loaded Gun, and War Cry] Josiah "Josey" James - Jessta James

Original Characters 2023+ [that I've made for the project] Melissa "Missy" Ekker - Tyree's mother Bethany "Beth" Skinner - a love interest

#wanted: dead or alive #rawhide #the magnificent seven #the dollars trilogy #hang 'em high #rustlers' rhapsody #silverado 1985 #once upon a time in the west #quigley down under #maverick 1994 #the marshal 1995 #the quick and the dead #firefly #supernatural #3:10 to yuma #six of crows #jessta james #ocs

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wen316 · 5 months

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Rowdy time

#clint eastwood #rawhide #rawhide tv series #trail drive #ramrod #rowdy yates #ramrod rowdy Yates #western #western cowboy #cowboy western #western fan #western photo edit #western photo blog #Hollywood star #tv westerns #eastwood #head em up move em out #rollin rollin rollin #gorgeous cowboy

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therealnightcity · 1 year

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Spotify Shuffle Game

I was tagged by @onlymeandlife, thank you so much! 🥰🥰💕

Rules: Shuffle music library, list 10 songs & tag people :)

Doublefaced - In Strict Confidence

Love is in the Eyes - Ramin Djawadi

The Mandragora - Marcin Przybylowicz

Watch ('Em Burn) - CONNöR

you should see me in a crown - Billie Eilish

Terrible Lie - Nine Inch Nails

Rusted Apart - Frida Johansson

Fool - Nostalghia

Wardruna - Kvitravn

If I Don't - Ally Hills

I tag without pressure: @dreamskug @a-pirate @dreamsevergreen @ghostoffuturespast @depyotee @dustymagpie @gloryride @chevvy-yates @afterdark-vp (and anyone else who sees this and wants to do it, zero pressure though!)

#tag game #behind the blogger

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booklovershouse · 3 months

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Oi oi oi, booklovers!

Pra fechar janeiro com chave de ouro, precisamos falar sobre as leituras do mês ~ q inclusive, eu ainda preciso resenhar 🤡

Sendo sincera, eu gostaria de ter lido mais - tipo, eu tô de ✨FÉRIAS✨ -, mas foi oq deu, então é isso.

☕| A Filha de Auschwitz - Lily Grahan (4★)

Minha primeira leitura do ano que, na verdade, veio do final do ano passado kkkkkk

A Filha de Auschwitz conta principalmente a história de duas amigas, Eva e Sofie, que vão para Auschwitz voluntariamente, cada uma com seus motivos - isso aí, vc descobre ao longo do livro, não vou dar spoilers - e que acabam sofrendo bastante com essa decisão.

Na minha humilde opinião, já que o livro tem esse título, ele deveria falar sobre ✨a filha de Auschwitz✨, ou seja, uma bebê que nasceu lá, mas isso NÃO acontece. Se não tivesse esse título, eu teria dado uma nota melhor, mas apesar da história ter sido ok, não cumpriu o que prometeu.

☕| Confusão é Meu Nome do Meio - Stephanie Tromly (4,5★)

A história começa com Zoe, a típica garota certinha que não se mete em problemas - eu mesma me sinto ofendida com esse estereótipo, mas foi assim que ela foi descrita o livro inteiro - dando de cara com Digby, o típico garoto encrenqueiro que vive se metendo em confusão, batendo em sua porta.

E, apesar de serem uma dupla improvável, quem disse que eles não podem se dar bem?

Eu gostei bastante do livro no geral, embora não tenha um mistério tããããooo surpreendente e lembre uma comédia adolescente dos anos 2000 - daquelas que os adolescentes fazem o que quer e os adultos fingem que não viram nada -, mas ao mesmo tempo, achei pesado. Vou falar mais sobre isso na resenha dele.

☕| A Pequena Livraria dos Sonhos - Jenny Colgan (4★)

Nina é bibliotecária, obcecada por livros e tudo começa a dar errado quando os funcionários recebem a notícia de que a biblioteca será fechada e eles terão que tentar um cargo na sede.

Após um incentivo durante uma palestra, Nina decide desistir da vaga - que nem lhe interessava tanto assim - e correr atrás de seu sonho de ter uma livraria "viajante".

O problema é que a única van que ela gostou está na Escócia.

Para ser sincera, esse livro me decepcionou um pouco. Sei lá, talvez eu tenha criado expectativas demais em todo esse tempo querendo ler ou o final foi ruim mesmo.

☕| Onde Mora o Amor - Jill Maxwell (4★)

Dexter Yates é um mulherengo. E, de repente, ele precisa cuidar da sua sobrinha que nem fez 1 ano ainda. Será que isso vai dar certo?

O livro é legal, foi divertido e tals, mas parece que TODOS os personagens secundários ganharam uma história. Assim, eu acho até que foi útil pra autora, levando em conta que o casal ficaria junto em umas 100 ou 200 páginas se não tivesse a história de tanta gente no meio.

☕| Álgebra em Quadrinhos - Larry Gonick (5★)

Nesse daqui a gente vai direto pra minha opinião né kkkkk o título é auto explicativo.

O livro é muito bom, gostaria muito de ter lido ele no 6° ano, seria de grande ajuda kkkk. É bem tranquilo, dá menos medo da matemática, recomendo pra qm tem dificuldade com álgebra ou quer dar uma revisada na matéria sem se estressar demais.

☕| Como foram suas leituras de janeiro?

Bjs e boas leiturassss <3

#livros #leitura #livrosderomance #books & libraries #leitores #books #books and reading

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storiesofsvu · 2 years

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Her Everything Ch 9

Warnings: Language, talk of racially sensitive stuff (s17 episode related), character death (it’s just Dodd’s, don’t worry). A lot of talk of the job.

A/N: This covers all of season 17 in one chapter, I didn’t want to do a huge time jump at this point, and honestly, this year hit the squad/da HARD, so it made sense to include these kind of things in the story. Next chapter is somewhat similar but with a million times more fluff. Also I had to watch Dodd’s die like, 3 times to get this chapter out. You’re welcome

Buy me a Ko-Fi.

The next month and a half was definitely one of mourning, a disheartened fog hung thick in the apartment. Aside from grieving his Abuelita, Rafael knew you were going through the annually internal struggle of coping with your own Mother’s death. The two of you did your absolute best to stay strong for each other, making sure there was time carved out of your busy schedules to curl up on the couch together, reassuring each other that things would work out. You were lucky to have each other, and even more lucky that the events over the past little bit brought you tighter together rather than drive a wedge in between you. Especially considering what the upcoming year was about to throw at both the NYPD and the D.A’s office.

First it was discovered that the chief medical examiner was in fact, a serial killer, outed by the notorious Greg Yates, Rollins found out she was pregnant, you were thrown a new Sergeant who happened to be the Chief’s son and then Rafael brought home a case he was sure would spark a huge fight. Uni’s from another precinct had shot and killed an unarmed black teenager, quite literally emptying their clips into the poor kid. You’d been on the scene with the rest of the SVU crew to witness the aftermath. Olivia was quick to stand up for the uni’s, arguing with Barba, saying the cops were doing their job, and he expected the same thing from you considering you were part of the blue.

“Suppose this is the part where you yell at me for going after an indictment.” He muttered as he came in the door that evening, tugging out files to continue working.

“Are you kidding me?” You glanced up from your laptop and he could see the rage and melancholy burning in your eyes, “You weren’t at that scene Raf, there was absolutely no reason for one of those pricks to unload his entire round into that kid, much less all three of them. One or two shots and he would’ve been subdued, it’s like these idiots forget they have tasers.”

“And if they’re claiming they were fearing for their lives?”

“Three people with guns vs someone they thought was armed?” You rolled your eyes, shutting the laptop, “I’d tell ‘em they should wear their vests more often. And I’ll testify to that.” You moved around the island to where he’d set up shop, kissing the side of his head.

“I’d rather keep you out of this one.”

“Too prejudicial?”

“Yes.” You leaned in again, kissing his cheek softly,

“I’m gonna shower..” You’d made it a few steps away when he turned to you again, calling out towards the hallway.

“Carino?” Stopping, you turned to face him, leaning on the door frame. “Have..you ever killed someone?”

“Once.” You sighed heavily, “He’d kidnapped and raped an eleven year old girl. We managed to track him down to a hideaway house, my partner went in without backup, by the time I got inside the perp had a gun to my partner’s head, loaded and cocked, ready to shoot.”

“Sounds like you’re not the biggest firearm fan.” You let out a huff of a laugh,

“Listen Raf, some of these guys, they head straight to the academy after high school, rising through the ranks if they feel like it. For them, all they care about is the power, feeling cool cause they’re a cop. I didn’t do it for the gun and the badge, I do it for the victims. I went to school, I got a degree, I took extra courses in psychology, crisis counselling, I’m heavily trained in first aid so if someone is shot on a scene I can do my best for them to make it to a hospital, even if it is a perp. I’m here to solve their crimes and get them back into the world on the right foot. I could give a fuck if I had a gun on my hip or not. It may be protocol for me to draw my weapon in situations, but I do my damn best not to fire it. Indict these trigger happy bastards, it’s what they deserve.” Rafael couldn’t help the small smirk at your words,

“You did once say you were the cop that kept other cop’s toes in line.”

“I do my best to make sure innocent people don’t get killed. Just wish we would’ve gotten there faster, might’ve been able to stop them.” You turned at that, traipsing down the hallway as Rafael called after you.

“It’s not your fault!”

“I know.” You shouted back wearily from the bedroom.

You noticed Rafael a little more on edge as the trial for the three uni’s started, to be fair, everyone was a little on edge. The entire department was shaken up by the matter, and there were definitely more than one or two blow outs over the entire situation, not to mention the media. You did your best to keep your head down and keep doing what you were doing, there were plenty more cases to be working on. And it seemed like SVU wasn’t going to be let off easy. Benson got herself into a hostage mess in a townhouse, Yates and Rudnick managed to somehow escape Greenhaven which meant more visits from the Chicago P.D team, and then there was a giant mess of a sex ring involving the Catholic Church, corrupt cops, A.D.A’s and Judges.

To say you were beyond exhausted was the ultimate truth. By the time May rolled around, you were more than thankful to be able to have a few days off. Rafael had suggested a nice dinner to celebrate your three year anniversary, you only groaned in response, not even wanting to think about putting on a dress and going out right now. You apologized when you saw the rejected look in his eyes, promising him you could do something in the following weeks, but for right now, you just wanted to curl up with take out and wine. You picked a date and Rafael softly kissed you, telling you that he’d plan it out, you had nothing to worry about.

Then came the Munson case, things were all hands on deck, and it was busy as ever at the precinct, as if you hadn’t taken down enough influential perps this year, you were now dealing with a corrupt C.O from Rikers. You’d spent the evening going over things with Dodds, files scattered across your desks, working much later than anticipated. It was only when Liv insisted the two of you be done for the night that you finally left the precinct. You were surprised to find Rafael at home already, thinking he’d still be at the office, this was a tough case, with a lot of pressure coming from higher ups and other departments.

“Rafael…?”

“Hmm?” He didn’t bother looking up from the file he was reading.

“Wanna enlighten me as to why there’s a protective detail downstairs?” His head shot up at that, sputtering in response, his heart racing in his chest.

“I..uh. What?”

“You think I can’t recognize an unmarked car or two plain clothes? Did something happen with the case?”

“It..may not be related to the Munson case.”

“Oh?” He sighed heavily. Rafael hated the fact that he’d been keeping this secret, he just hadn’t thought it was that important until today, and he hadn’t wanted you to worry over nothing.

“I’ve been getting threats since the Terrance Reynolds case. Nothing serious!” He shot out, seeing the sense of shock and worry on your face, “Just, hang up calls from burners, texts, things like that.”

“Okay…so I’ll repeat; why is there a protective detail downstairs?”

“Carino, you might want to stay somewhere else for a few days.”

“Rafael what are you not telling me?” You cocked a brow, crossing your arms over your chest challenging him to continue withholding whatever it was.

“Today some punk threatened to throw me down the court house stairs and crack my skull.”

“Raf!” You started to move towards him, dropping your detective stance in worry, he cut you off with an extended hand.

“And I may have given him our home address.” He definitely should’ve seen the swift smack to the back of the head coming,

“Are you kidding me Rafael!? Maldito idiota!” You let out a heavy groan, “You’ve been getting threats for the better part of a year and instead of reporting them, instead of telling your girlfriend, who may I remind you is a fucking cop, you give your actual address out to someone who threatened to kill you? How stupid are you?!”

“I didn’t want to worry you.” You rolled your eyes, “I wanted to keep you safe, keep you out of it as long as needed until it blew over.”

“Well I’m in it now!”

“I’m sorry.” Your body language softened at the true remorse in his expression, moving in between his legs against the bar stool as you loosely linked your hands behind his neck.

“Apology accepted.” You met his lips for a soft kiss, humming in satisfaction at the way his hand cupped your cheek gently, the other arm resting on your hip. “You’re still an idiot.”

“I’ll make it up to you, I promise.”

“Oh I know you will.” You flashed him a mischievous grin, “Put all this away and come to bed, that way you can reallymake it up to me.”

“I will gladly take that offer.” You laughed at the smirk he shot you before tightly pulling you to him in a much more heated kiss. “I love you.”

“I love you always.” You murmured against his lips, tugging him to stand, following you back to the bedroom.

Rafael was down at the precinct a couple of days later, they’d managed to track down and bring in the perp who’d threatened him and he needed to make an I.D with Carisi and Rollins.

“Where is everybody?” Rafael asked, gesturing to the relatively empty bull pen, ‘Congratulations Dodds’ banner still up along with a half eaten cake.

“Doin’ a closin’ job at Munson’s.” Sonny replied, dropping down into his desk.

“All of them?”

“Fin’s with the vic. It’s new policy with close jobs, one body per group of civilians, Liv, Dodds and Y/N, one gets the kids, one handles the wife, one handles Munson.” Rafael grimaced at the thought of you out there with someone like Munson, especially on a close job, he reminded himself that you always reassured him you could take care of yourself, but something just wasn’t sitting right.

Back in his office he had the news on in the background, an attempt to try and keep up with the case from the media’s perspective. His head shot up from his opening argument when a breaking news case broke through the screen, Munson’s mugshot splayed across the screen, the anchor mentioning that in a turn of events the man had taken his wife and two NYPD members hostage and shots had been fired by the man, conditions of the others currently unknown.

He felt his heart drop into the absolute pit of his stomach, his pulse instantly began to race as the panic coursed through his veins. His brain flashed back to the conversation about guns you’d had earlier that year, how you used all plausible options before firing your weapon and in that moment, God did he ever wish you were one of the trigger happy ones instead. Barely thinking he grabbed his phone, tossing his jacket back on as he raced out of the D.A’s office, Lincoln Hospital was the closest one to the Bronx, the closest to the Munson’s house, it had to be where you were. His phone called you on repeat the entire twenty minute drive over, each time it hit your voicemail he felt his entire soul breaking. How on earth had he been so stupid to not tell you just how much he loved you each day he spent with you, that he loved you more than he could ever imagine, more than anything in the entire world.

His gut of where you would be was right on the nose as he sped into the waiting room, brass was everywhere, he spotted Olivia with Tucker, heading straight to them.

“Where is she?” He didn’t realize how out of breath he was, nor how shaky is words came out. Olivia barely glanced up at him, still in a daze of guilt, not properly thinking.

“‘Round the corner, second door on the left.”

That was at least something good, it meant you weren’t in surgery, it meant if you’d been hit you might be out for a while, but at least you were closer to being alive than he’d worried. Rafael didn’t even notice racing past Sonny as he exited the door Liv had specified, he practically collided right into you as you moved to the doorway.

“Raf-?” The only way you could describe the sound he let out was a choked back strangle of a cry. Your front was nearly completely covered in blood, a smear of it still on your neck you hadn’t realized was there. He roughly pulled you to him, wrapping his arms around you in the tightest hug possible, one of his hands cupping the back of your head, fingers tangling into the messy bun. You felt his body nearly shake against you as he melted into you, holding you there until he’d managed to control his breathing again, feeling that you were in his arms, that you were safe, not open on an operating table somewhere.

“Why the fuck haven’t you been answering your phone? I thought you were hit. Are you okay?!” He pulled back and you could see the tears brimming in his eyes. Your hand reached up to stroke his cheek gently,

“Oh Rafa..I’m fine.” Your lips met his cheek, holding there for a moment, letting him realize you were real, and that you were really okay, “I was just giving blood, Mike’s…lost a lot..things aren’t looking good.”

“I’ve been calling you non stop for half an hour!” Your face scrunched,

“My phone never went off..” You stepped over to a nearby chair, rummaging through the bag a nurse had given you to throw your blood soaked blazer in. You’d whipped it off as fast as you could to try and stop the bleeding in Mike’s abdomen at the Munson’s. Digging through it your hands hit both pockets, then shook the blazer out over the bag. Nothing. Your hands patted down the minimal pockets of your dress pants, double checking you hadn’t shoved it into your bra, you turned back to Rafael with a look of apology on your face, “I…I don’t have it. It must’ve fallen out at the house. Mi Amour, I am so sorry! I didn’t mean to scare you like that.” Your hand grasped his, pulling it to your lips quickly before wrapping your arms around him once again, “I’m here, okay. I’m fine, I’m safe. I’m with you, and I love you always.”

“Marry me.” You almost didn’t hear the words muffled against your skin, pulling your head back to read his face.

“What?”

“I thought I’d lost you today, and the only thing I could think of the entire time was that I never told you just how much I loved you. Carino you’re the only person I want to be with for the rest of my life. I love you more than anything, and I’ve known that for a while now. Abuelita knew you were the one the moment she met you, it may have taken me a bit to catch up, but I know she wasn’t wrong. Marry me.” You were doing the best to control any amount of confusion or awe from expressing itself on your face, you couldn’t control the smallest of smiles, the tears brimming in your eyes at his admission. You knew you loved Rafael more than anything on the planet, and that you always would, you just had no idea he’d been on the same page.

“Is..is this because of..” You gestured slightly, insinuating to the whole hostage, getting shot situation.

“No.” He grasped your free hand in his, “Well, kind of, but the ring’s at the apartment. I had this whole plan for next week for our date, but I don’t want to wait any longer. I needed you to know now.” He felt his heart rate pick up again, but this time because he suddenly felt incredibly vulnerable. He’d laid his feelings out on the table and it was your choice that would either crush them completely or elate him more than he could ever imagine.

“Oh Rafael…of course I’ll marry you!” A small giggle escaped your lips as he pulled you in for a kiss, this one more passionate than the others, “Te amo siempre.” You murmured against his lips, happy to have this little private moment to yourselves.

Truthfully, your little bubble of happiness remained just that. A few hours later, when Dodds was finally in the ICU, he ended up having a massive stroke and was declared legally brain dead. Rafael held you tighter when the news came in, knowing that your brain was racing through every moment in that house, the million things you could’ve done differently to end up with a different outcome, not to mention the shot could still have hit you in the heat of the moment. The squad reluctantly left the hospital in a sense of complete exhaustion, both mentally and physically, everyone coping with it in different ways, it always stung harder losing one of your own.

You and Rafael decided to keep the news of the engagement under wraps, out of respect for Mike and the Dodds’ family, it wasn’t exactly the time to be celebrating. While he did give you the ring the next morning, you only wore it around the house, making sure to stash it back in the little blue box before heading into work.

It was actually on accident nearly a month later, you’d been out running a couple errands, diamond on your hand when Liv called you in for a case. You had to drop everything and head into the precinct without the time to go home first and hadn’t even realized. You were in interrogation talking things through with the perp while she watched through the glass, smirking at how much you talked with your hands, the diamond ever so obvious. She turned to Rafael when he showed up, smile on her face,

“Congratulations.”

“What? The bastard that stupid?” She laughed, nodding towards the window,

“That’s one hell of a ring.” Rafael felt his cheeks flush, a grin breaking out on his cheeks as he realized what she was talking about.

“Yeah, well, she deserves it. She deserves everything.”

“She really loves you, you know.” Liv smirked over at him, “I can always tell when she’s distracted texting you when she’s supposed to be working, the silly grin’s a dead giveaway.” Rafael couldn’t help the laugh at that,

“Sorry. I promise I’m not trying to distract your detectives.”

“‘S’long as you’re only distracting her, I’m fine. You make her happy, incredibly happy. And I’m happy for the two of you, really.”

“Thanks Liv.” He gave her a soft smile before turning his attention back to the interrogation room, his eyes lingering on you before fully tuning into the conversation.

You made him so happy his heart nearly hurt, he couldn’t remember feeling like this in years, you’d swooped into his life and nearly stolen it all away. He knew how incredibly lucky he was to have you, how lucky he was that you said yes, that you excitedly put that ring on your finger, and now, would be able to proudly wear it.

The rest of the squad was pretty quick to find out at that point, everyone congratulating the two of you and teasing you about how you were stuck with Barba for the rest of your life now. You laughed it off, saying you wouldn’t have it any other way. Amanda of course was quick to suggest a night out to celebrate it, and honestly, thanks to the months prior, the squad neeeded something to celebrate, to be happy for, so you agreed. A night out with the team and Rafael at Beekman, you were quick to insist on no decorations or any kind of bullshit like a ‘bride to be’ sash, this wasn’t the bachelorette party or anything. Though you didn’t miss the gleam in Rollins’ eye when you mentioned that, you knew you were in for it.

Lucia was over the moon, ecstatic that Rafael had finally made the move and couldn’t wait for the wedding, which you quickly reminded her would probably take a while. You were leaning towards a longer engagement, both of your schedules so constantly busy and up in the air you figured you’d use the small amount of time off both of you had to decide on smaller things before booking a venue or setting a date, where was the rush anyways? You both loved each other more than you could imagine, a silly ceremony and piece of paper wasn’t going to change that

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