#Dysphoria is also definitely playing a big role but I can actually do even less about that than I can my fucked up brain chemistry SO

[weresehlat]

Realizing you’re potentially, maybe, quite probably in the middle of a depressive episode is actually so frustrating

#Sasha Makes A Post #‘’Why am I feeling so angry and sad and antisocial? I’m not hormonal so why is it I’m constantly on the brink of tears-‘’ #‘’-oh. Oh. Hmmm.’’ #SELF AWARENESS IS A CURSE ACTUALLY #Dysphoria is also definitely playing a big role but I can actually do even less about that than I can my fucked up brain chemistry SO #Guess I gotta like. Take my meds and get back on a regular exercise schedule and eat better like some kind of ANIMAL

[thewolfofthestars]

Questions to Ask When You’re Questioning Your Gender

So I'm trans myself and I've spent a lot of time thinking on this subject and talking to other trans people, as well as people who are questioning their genders. I've learned a lot over the past couple of years about what gender is, what it means to me, what it means to others, what it means to society, and most relevant to this post--how to figure out what your gender actuallly is. Cuz this shit ain't always easy. In fact, most of the time it's pretty hard. So I'm putting together a list of questions you can ask yourself if you're questioning your gender.

Please keep in mind: you probably won't relate to everything on this list! There are trans people who don't relate to this stuff and there are cis people that do relate to this stuff. Not every single thing on this list is a 100% surefire sign you're definitely trans, and you don't need to agree with every single point on the list in order to be trans. I am merely making this list in order to get you thinking in a more helpful and productive way to figure out your gender. Additionally: You do not have to figure out your gender if you don't want to! If you're perfectly content just to call yourself by a big umbrella term like "nonbinary" or "genderqueer", or if you just don't want to put a label to your gender at all, that is absolutely fine. This list doesn't need to be for you.

Highly reccommended reading, btw: The Null HypotheCis--https://freethoughtblogs.com/nataliereed/2012/04/17/the-null-hypothecis/

-Do you ever find yourself wishing that you were another gender? How often? How intense are these feelings when they arise?

-Do you ever find yourself wondering what your life would be like if you were born as a different gender? How often? How do you feel when you think about it?

-Do you find yourself looking at or admiring people of another gender very often? Is this admiration not really the same as romantic/sexual attraction--it feels different, somehow? Do these people just look really good or cool to you, in a special way that you can't really explain?

-Do you find yourself feeling jealous of other genders at all? Why do you think you feel this jealousy?

-If you are not otherwise LGBTQ+, do you find yourself feeling connected to or attracted to the LGBTQ+ community in a way you can't really explain? Do you feel attracted to the trans community in particular?

-Do you feel more comfortable or happier around trans/nonbinary people? Do you feel as though you can relate to trans/nonbinary people better than you can relate to cis people?

-If you are attracted to people of the same gender as your AGAB (Assigned Gender At Birth), does "gay" feel like the right word for that attraction or not?

-If you are attracted to people of the opposite gender as your AGAB, does "straight" feel like the right word for that attraction or not?

-Do you have trouble understanding your sexual/romantic orientation? Have you changed your labels several times, or perhaps never put a label on your attraction at all? Have you just kinda slapped a label on at random until further notice?

-Do you feel very uncomfortable engaging with your sexuality at all? Do you identify as asexual or sex-repulsed, because of this discomfort?

-Do you experience distress or discomfort when in sexual situations, for no otherwise discernable reason (i.e. nonconsensual situations or dealing with past sexual trauma)? Do you find yourself dissociating during or after a sexual situation? What about anxiety or panic? Do you find yourself becoming depressed after sex or masturbation?

-Do you find that you need to "get into a different headspace" in order to have sex or masturbate?

-When you wear clothes commonly associated with your AGAB, how does it make you feel? Happy? Sad? Do the clothes feel like you, or does it feel more like a costume, like you're cosplaying or performing in a play? How does it feel when you wear clothes more commonly associated with other genders?

-How do you feel when you imagine yourself far into the future, living as an elderly person? Do you find it hard to imagine yourself in old age as your AGAB? How does it make you feel? What about as other genders?

-Do you find yourself coming up with excuses for reasons that you aren't trans that, when held up to scrutiny, don't actually work? Phrases such as "Well, I didn't know when I was little, I didn't start questioning until I was X age (people of any age can question their gender and figure out they're trans)", or "I don't have genital dysphoria, so I can't be trans (trans people can have all sorts of feelings about their genders--no particular kind of dysphoria is required to be trans, or even any dysphoria at all)".

-Do you find yourself thinking things like "Well, statistically, trans people are so rare, there's no way I'm trans"? What about "I'm already (other marginalized identity(ies)), I can't possibly also be trans"? What about "I have a friend/family member/someone else in my life that's trans, I'd just be copying them"? (None of these things need to mean that you're not trans!)

-Do you have a very "mind over matter" mentality? Were you more of a smarts or arts kid than you were a sporty kid in school? Are you the kind of person who wishes your consciousness could be uploaded to the cloud or something like that, so you can leave this fleshy body of yours behind?

-Do you find yourself frustrated with society's emphasis on gender and gender roles? Do you ever feel that gender doesn't even matter at all, and you're confused as to why everyone cares about it so much?

-Do you feel constrained or trapped by being your AGAB? Do you feel like you would be so much freer and happier as a different gender?

-If you could press a button right now and wake up tomorrow as a cis member of the opposite gender, as if you'd always been that way, with a body of a cis person and with everyone referring to you like that, would you press it?

-Do you believe that everyone of your your AGAB probably wants to be a different gender, at least a little bit? Are you baffled when people of your AGAB don't agree with this sentiment?

-Did you ever wonder if or secretly hope that you were intersex? Did you ever get tested by medical professionals for an intersex condition? If so, how did the results make you feel? Were you happy to learn that you're intersex, or dissappointed to learn that you aren't?

-Does it seem difficult for you to be your AGAB, like it doesn't really come naturally to you, and you have to learn how to do it and actively try to be it? Have you felt like you've needed to construct and maintain an identity for yourself as your AGAB? Do you think being a different gender would feel more natural to you, and you wouldn't have to work at it?

-Do you find yourself thinking thoughts like "Well, I don't hate being my AGAB, but I would prefer to be a different gender/would be happier as a different gender"? (I'll give you a hint--you don't need to hate being your AGAB in order to justify being a different gender! You can just be a different gender if that makes you happier.)

-Do your genitals or reproductive organs upset you? Do you wish you didn't have them? Do you think you'd be happier having the opposite set of genitals/reproductive organs? What about having no genitals/reproductive organs? What about having a mix between the two?

-Do your genitals or reproductive organs not really feel like they're a part of you? Do they feel like a seperate entity that's just attached to you or inside of you, but they aren't really you? Do you dissociate when you look at or think about your genitals/reproductive organs? Do you try to avoid looking at or thinking about them?

-Regarding the above two points--ask yourself these same questions about your secondary sex characteristics (i.e. breasts, body hair, hips, the pitch of your voice, etc.)

-Do you only feel these feelings sometimes? If so, when you don't feel these feelings, do you actually feel good about these aspects of yourself, or do you just feel less bad?

-What if I told you right now that you are absolutely, definitely, 100% a cis person, and that you're not trans at all? How does that make you feel? What if I told you that you're definitely, 100% for-sure a trans person? How does that make you feel?

-Were you a particularly androgynous child or present yourself in a gender non-conforming way when you were younger? Did you ever have a "phase" of presenting in this way?

-Alternatively, did you ever present yourself as a very gender conforming person when you were younger (i.e. hyperfeminine if AFAB or hypermasculine if AMAB)? Did you ever have a "phase" of presenting in this way?

-According to the last two points--did you ever alternate between these two modes of presentation? How did these types of presentation make you feel?

-Are you afraid of the idea of this "trans phase" or "questioning phase" being over? Are you afraid of going back to identifying as the gender you were born as?

-Do you like the idea of being a crossdressing or GNC person of the gender you were assigned at birth, or does the thought of being a different gender make you feel happier? (i.e. if you're AMAB, are you happiest when you think of yourself as a crossdressing boy/drag queen, or do you think you would be happier if you were a girl instead? Or perhaps some other gender?)

-Have you ever taken a "guess your gender/am I trans" quiz online, even just for fun? What were the results? How did the results make you feel? Did you intentionally try to skew your answers toward or away from a particular result? Did you go back and take the quiz again, wanting to get a different result?

-What sorts of gendered terms are you happiest and most comfortable being called by? Do you like the idea of being "mom" or "dad" better? What about "brother" or "sister"? "Girlfriend" or "boyfriend"? Or do you dislike both gendered options, and prefer gender-neutral terms like "parent" or "sibling" or "partner"?

#questioning #questioning gender #gender questioning #transgender #nonbinary #trans #nb #enby #pride #pride 2020

[idisofrohan]

Attraction, gender and me

Due largely to a piece of pan erasure turning up on my dashboard recently, I decided to write this little piece detailing why the terminology we use might have incredible importance to part of the community and should not be disregarded as having played out their role, or being erasure of other terminology used, without giving additional traffic to something that I vehemently disagree with. Also because long post is long.

I identify, as you might have noticed, as pansexual (and -romantic), something that I see as overlapping with, but separate from, bisexual - something I’m not. Worthy of mention here is that I, unlike some other pansexuals and pan allies, don’t see bisexual as something that inherently contains trans erasure, but accept attraction towards trans men, trans women and non binary people as a possibility for bisexuals, no questions asked.

Bisexuality, as I’ve come to understand it, is a duality, as inherent in the name. But it is not the duality of attraction to men and to women, but rather that of heterosexual and homosexual attraction and that means all the difference in the world. Heterosexual attraction would be an attraction towards different from you, and homosexual attraction would be an attraction towards same as you.

But different or same as you in what exactly? Here is where things start getting problematic. For most people it can’t be the innate feeling of gender, as a base level of attraction is usually met before you get to know a person on a deep enough level that they would be out with you if they were trans. Is it then that their presentation displays elements associated with the same or a different gender from those we display? Hardly, as this exclude the attractions of those of us who are trans but living closeted. Then perhaps a presentation with elements of the same or a different gender than how we’d like to present? Still not perfect as some people desire a presentation that does not match their gender. I suppose the only all-encompassing definition is where you perceive their gender as matching the same or a different gender from yours.

But how, you might ask, is this in any way problematic? Surely attraction towards the genders that aren’t yours and the one that is - as you perceive things - would be the same as an attraction to all genders? If you identify along the gender binary, that might be the case, but if you - like me - identify as non binary, things might get a bit foggier.

The big problem is that non binary isn’t one gender, but encompasses all gender identities that aren’t either 100% male or 100% female. That’s a lot of them, and they might not be even remotely similar to each other. These different genders have one thing in common though, they each represent a rather small subset of individuals who don’t identify with their agab, they are gender minorities. As such, they don’t possess any clearly defined gender roles or typical gendered expressions, with the possible exceptions of genders ancestral to a culture. With that in mind, you wouldn’t ever know to assume you found someone that shared your gender, and you might never even meet someone you share your gender with, even if you move in lgbtq+ circles.

So, as for me, who would be an homosexual attraction? Not only would they have to be non binary, they’d need to be the very same gender as I am - and confirmed so - a simply queer expression isn’t enough. But then we have additional problems, you see, my gender isn’t a stationary one. It, like my dysphoria, fluctuate. Sometimes certain aspects of my physical body give me low dysphoria, sometimes high, and sometimes certain aspects (but never all) stop giving me dysphoria at all. Will my current state of gender have to match with the one of the person of my attraction’s for it to be a homosexual attraction? If so, it certainly becomes narrow as a term for who I’m attracted to, hardly a functional tool to use.

And who would be a heterosexual attraction? Well, obviously that would be everyone else, i.e. virtually anyone. Be they male, female or a non binary gender. This obviously deviates from any standard perception of what heterosexuality is and doesn’t meaningfully deviate from bisexuality. If I was heterosexual instead of bisexual by these definitions, there might - if I meet a low probability - be one or two people I meet in my life that I don’t possess the ability to truly be attracted to and remain so after their coming out. And even so, these potential people might still fall outside my type anyway.

I don’t like using the term bisexual about myself because to me it states “I am without a doubt attracted to my own gender” and I simply have no way of knowing that. To this day, I haven’t met a person that I know identified equal to me. I am reasonably certain that there wouldn’t be anything inherent in my gender that stopped me from falling in love with them, but that little bit of uncertainty, that lack of knowledge, would give me gender dysphoria if I stated my sexuality as bi.

Pansexual, unlike bisexual, isn’t a comparative label. Pansexuality does not state my gender’s relation to the genders of the people I’m attracted to. It is a definitive label, stating that these are in fact the genders/gender expressions/perceived genders that I am attracted to. I am attracted to (some) people who have a masculine expression. I am attracted to (some) people who have a feminine expression. I am attracted to (some) people who have a queer expression. Stating this does not come with intrinsic problems. It is a complete list of who I might get attracted to, not containing uncertainties, that does not give misleading information about who I’m attracted to to anyone I share it with. Let me have my label and I’ll let you have yours.

I realise that I have alluded to my gender several times through this piece without actually disclosing what it is. Let this be the end of that. I am a demigirl(flux) reaching all the way down to agender, but never all the way up to female. I have elements of lower body primary characteristic dysphoria, i.e. dysphoria related to the functionality of (but not form of) my sexual organs, this is a constant. I get upper body dysphoria in waves, depending on where on the gender scale I currently fall. The same goes for the dysphoria connected to my voice. At times I’ve had dysphoria connected to my hair, both head and body. The body hair one I’ve successfully alleviated by changing my grooming habits, and the head one I try to manage by different styling. I use they/them as a pronoun all of the time and she/her only when I’m feeling more feminine, with a preference for she/her when I feel an extra high level of femininity.

You might notice I never specified which direction my dysphoria exist in, and this is rather deliberate. I’m not in hormonal replacement therapy, nor do I want to be, as I’m not sure whether the dysphoria that it would alleviate would be more or less than any possible new dysphoria I might get. I haven’t had any gender reaffirming surgeries, they’d be impossible to make work towards a dysphoria that changes around like mine does. As such, my agab is rather obvious for people who know me in real life, and I’d like to keep this a forum where most people won’t necessarily know which it was.

If you’ve looked at my profile, you might have seen that I am also polyamorous, and this might make some of you dislike me because you disagree with a polyamorous relationship style, if so I’ve nothing more to say to you. However, some of you might be inclined to dislike me because I practice polyamory while falling into a multisexual sexuality, thinking that I perpetuate negative stereotypes about people who fall for more than one gender. To you I’m saying stop the gatekeeping. Polyamory is not the same as being a slut, they can exist entirely separate from each other. I think very few people would consider a total of two sexual partners (though a few more romantic) ever as slutty, yet here I am. A fuck-ton of people, of pretty much every sexuality, are likely to have me beat through serial monogamy. Still, even if I was the sluttiest slut who ever slutted, that still shouldn’t exclude me.

There will always be people who conform to stereotypes, no matter the stereotype. Does that mean we should throw them under a buss just because? Of course not! They are a valuable part of our community, together we are strong but divided we fall. Our goal shouldn’t be to assimilate perfectly in every aspect into cishet society, but to be accepted as we are, no matter how we are. Remember that the people who say “I only accept you if you follow my norms” aren’t your friends, they’ve never lifted a finger to help you. Your lgbtq+ siblings who have fought for your rights shouldn’t be sacrificed on the altar of begrudging acceptance.

#pan #pansexual #lgbtq #lgbtqa #lgbtq positivity #queer #gender #genderqueer #stop pan erasure #genderfluid #genderflux #demigirl #agender #bi #polyamory #stop gatekeeping #dysphoria #lgbtq+ #panromantic #multisexuality #heterosexual #homosexual #trans #transgender #labels #labels aren't bad #femininity #bisexual #stereotypes

[noahrambles-blog]

Introduction - Who the fuck am I?

Hello void!

I made this blog so I could shout my questions into the void. My gender has been a big question for such a long time, but I’ve only started really wondering and analyzing recently. I feel like every step forward I make, I slowly inch backwards to where I was. Every epiphany, realization, moment of “thank you god I finally understand” eventually regresses back to confusion and frustration.

I’ve decided to start writing these realizations down. I find it’s easier to write to an audience, and frankly I hate writing in MS word. So, here I am, shouting into the void that is Tumblr. I’m not looking for advice from others, reassurance, nothing. I need to sit in my feelings and dig deep. I can’t get external validation or thoughts or questions or concerns. I’m just way too sensitive to others telling me what to do. Others’ expectations have forced me into the dark closet for too long and well, I’m done.

I’m in therapy currently to break down my past, which includes my parents’ expectations and the very traditional gender roles I grew up immersed in. Every time I think I’m getting somewhere in understanding my gender, I explain it away as “Oh, I’m just being sexist and stuck in those gender roles and stereotypes”. I was a tomboy as a kid? Doesn’t mean anything, girls can be masculine. Etc., etc.

Add on to all the fun confusion, that my partner came out as trans about a year ago. I love my wife dearly and I know she loves me too, no matter what (she’s well aware of everything I’m writing), but I worry that I’m only having these feelings because she’s having these feelings. When I met her, she told me how much she loved a particular video game, and I played it and loved it too, and we bonded over it. Same thing happened with multiple TV shows, hell, even backpacks vs laptop bags. Would I have loved these things without her influence? Granted, there are things that she loves that I don’t. She loves sardines on toast. Gross, right? Other games that I’ve tried and wasn’t a big fan of, instruments, drinks. We’re different people, but we basically grew up together, so of course we have similar interests and we both try each others’ interests. And since we’re so similar, there will be lots of overlap. And that’s okay! (I think. I hope.)

I think that this has really come up more in the past few years because my wife’s sibling came out as non-binary, which frankly, I knew what it was but not much more than that. Their experiences really mirrored my own, but because they used a lot of the same gender role language in their explanation, I wrote it off as them just being a bit sexist. But I fully supported them regardless. 

Add on the fact that I moved out of my toxic parents’ house into an apartment with my wife. Meaning day-to-day I can just be...myself, rather than bending to fit this expectation they enforced on me. But I’d been under their thumb for so long, that I don’t really know who I am? 

I was depressed for a really long time. I moved to Canada at 14, and the long winters only exacerbated it. I only feel like I’ve just come out of the fog. A few weeks ago, I went to my therapist to talk all this gender stuff out. I woke up the next morning feeling like garbage, but the two days after that? I haven’t felt that good in a long time. And I got married 10 months ago. I woke up with energy and motivation and desire. I wanted to go shopping and get new clothes, go to the movies, go out and have some beer. I just wanted to be out on the town and in public. I’ve been spending all my time in my apartment for years, so it was pretty weird.

My wife’s sibling got top surgery earlier this year and gave me their binders (since they didn’t need them anymore!) The first time I tried one on, I had a half second of “fuck yeah” followed by hours of utter dread and despair. I’m not 100% sure what caused it, but I think it was from the realization that it didn’t make me completely flat. I didn’t wear it again for a few weeks, but one day I tried it again on a whim, and I haven’t really gone a day without wearing one since. I don’t love the 8 hour time limit (and I work 8.5-9 hours per day, so it’s often a lot longer, which I know is bad) and I don’t love the, well, binding feeling. But it’s nice to be warm all the time!

My other big indicator was when my wife bought me a strap on. We’d discussed me topping a few times in the past and once she came out, she was really interested. So we ordered a strapless dildo. But I couldn’t for the life of me figure it out. If it was in me, it wasn’t in her, and vice versa. We probably did this for 15, 20 minutes, and I was just getting more and more frustrated and upset. I kept trying, even though I was not really in the mood anymore. And then! It was in both of us! And I could move it! And it was so exciting! And then I was hit (again) by a wave of dread and despair. I couldn’t feel anything. I knew my wife was loving it, but I felt like dying. I couldn’t feel anything! I pulled out and laid down and cried. I’m sure my wife was so flustered, it did sort of come out of nowhere from her perspective. 

We haven’t used that dildo again, but I convinced myself afterward that my breakdown was due to my frustration - I’m really bad at being bad at things. I need to be really good at things, otherwise I get frustrated and quit. 

Because of this, we decided to buy a harness and try that instead. We went on vacation and we tried it out. Hoo boy, it was amazing! Looking down and seeing it gave me so much joy! (We had some awesome sex that night. Even me not being able to feel anything didn’t kill the vibe).

We’ve had sex a few times since then, but each time I get a little more dysphoric. We haven’t done anything recently, because I was hoping to analyze what’s going on without the dysphoria during sex, and overall pressure to perform. Since my wife came out, she’s much harder to read. It’s hard to tell what she’s into and what she’s not, because her tastes changed too. I know this means that we should do it more, but I’ve been getting overwhelmed trying to pleasure her, when my new dysphoria has also changed my own tastes and what I like and don’t like. I don’t really ‘finish’ much anymore, partially because my wife isn’t taking initiative and I have a really hard time asking for what I want or need. And I know sex isn’t about that, but all of these factors make it difficult to want it.

So in the meantime, life has been difficult and confusing. But also I’ve been happier than I have been in a while? The mornings aren’t as difficult, sleep comes more easily, I have more confidence day-to-day. And this is all just from considering these issues.

I bought all these gender-affirming clothes (I USED THE TERM GENDER-AFFIRMING CLOTHES BUT I DON’T KNOW WHAT MY GENDER IS WHAT THE FUCK) that are honestly amazing, even though they’re super simple men’s clothes. Boxer briefs are literally my new favorite things. 

I think I’m definitely on the masculine end of the spectrum. Going back to wearing panties (and I always wore granny panties) and bras makes me feel gross, not to mention women’s lingerie. Dresses and skirts are a huge no. Heels are a hell no. Wearing my binder makes me feel like a person. So am I non-binary or a transgender man?

What I do know is this:

- I’ve never wanted to be a mom, but I really like the idea of being a dad. I don’t know what the difference is, but apparently there is one.

- I’ve always disliked my voice - anytime I hear it played back, it makes me feel physically ill. I wish it was deeper. I need to work on stopping artificially raising it (it is relatively low for someone who is AFAB and when I felt that I needed to be feminine and lovely and whatever, I learned to raise it and now it’s kinda stuck in “customer service mode”)

- I like the idea of getting smaller hips through fat redistribution. This dysphoria is actually new today. I haven’t had any issues with this but today I saw myself in the mirror and looked back at past pictures and my hips look massive.

- Surprisingly, the idea of bottom growth on t doesn’t weird me out? 

- I’m terrified of hair loss.

- I really want to fully embrace the academic professor aesthetic. I love the collared shirt under sweater look. I just need some elbow patches and a tweed blazer. I already have the oxfords.

- I’m terrified at the thought of coming out to anyone except my wife. Part of my family would be chill, the other would not. My work is made up of quite conservative people and even the “allies” are misguided. My immediate coworkers would probably be okay with a transition to a binary gender, but I feel like asking for they/them pronouns would result in being misgendered constantly. But I guess I’m being misgendered constantly anyway.

- I’m feeling less and less connection to my pronouns/feminine descriptors. It just doesn’t feel like me.

- I want to get stronger so I can pick up and toss around my wife cause I feel like she’d love that. And I think it would be kinda fun too. I already love pushing her onto the bed. Picking her up and tossing her onto the bed? Hot.

Anyway. This was a lot and was basically just me pouring my thoughts onto this page. There will definitely be more to come.

Goodnight!

Noah

[cncorner]

Three months on T!

Woo, I made it!

I’m on 0.4mL/week of a 200mg/mL solution (so 80mg of T a week).

I guess three months is commonly considered to be the first “big milestone” when taking T. I was told that this is when people can start “telling”, which I didn’t think was going to happen, but it did! Kind of.

Let’s see if I can remember the changes.

We’ll start with the physical.

1. Voice: The first voice analyzer test put me at 137Hz at the beginning of the month, and my last one from last Friday was 121Hz. I started off three months ago at around 180Hz. I actually had my cis bestie take the voice analyzer test and his voice came in at like 112Hz. He commented that it would be weird if my voice ended up lower than his. I told him that was actually extremely likely at this pace. I don’t think I “speak” any more masculine, my voice is just lower.

2. Body hair! I have body hair coming in! Kind of. I think for the most part it’s just a little bit longer and darker, but I don’t have “more” just yet. I am starting to get some little hairs around my nipples, which I didn’t even think about as a possibility. I’m not sure why. Before I started I was really apprehensive about body hair, but now I’m excited for it.

3. Facial hair! The little hairs on my upper lips are growing in. They’re technically not that long yet (maybe half a centimeter?), nor are they that dark, but I can see a mustache shadow in the mirror. I don’t think anyone else would be able to see it without looking for it, though. I have some vellum hairs on my chin that are growing in super long (like maybe 3/4 inch?) but they’re a very pale blonde still.

4. My hands and feet are more “masculine” in some way I can’t describe. I was gifted with their size before starting; my hands are eight inches long from the base of my palm to the tip of my middle finger, and my shoes are size 12-ish in men’s. They have gotten more masculine somehow. I just don’t know how.

5. My face is a bit more slender, I think, but I’m also fat so it doesn’t make me look more masculine, it just makes me look like I lost weight.

6. I love the effects on my skin so far, but I’m not sure how to describe it. It’s less soft, but it’s not just the texture. It’s like the difference between a soft and hard pillow. Like my skin is rougher and “harder”. I didn’t realize how much I hated how soft my skin was until I started T and could touch the bonier places on my body (like the backs of my shoulders) and go “At least I have this”.

7. My back and shoulder muscles are growing in, especially since I’m swimming regularly. But they’re growing in underneath a very female-patterned fat distribution, which looks kinda goofy, not gonna lie.

8. I get sick way more easily, and that’s kind of annoying. I’ve gotten sick (just a cold) like three times since starting T. It’s driving me crazy.

9. I’m always hot as fuck. It’s getting worse now as summer is coming; I’m having so much trouble making it through the night. On the plus side I’m making my showers colder, which is doing wonders for the clarity of my skin. For the past couple of days my acne has been completely nonexistent.

10. Sleeping is more difficult for me, but I go through phases. I was doing okay for a while, but then it got hotter and I got sick again and I’ve been tired for like three days straight, unable to sleep properly.

11. I didn’t notice it much before, but now I’m like constantly oily. It’s not dripping down my face or anything, but I feel like I need to constantly clean myself. It’s annoying.

12. The smell downstairs is waaaay different. I smell like balls now. It was strange when it first started, but I actually like it a lot more than my smell before.

13. My junk is bigger! I measured it a couple days ago. I’m a solid 0.5 inches long, woo! It’s still fairly sensitive, but it’s doing better. Up until last week or so it was so sensitive I could barely touch the hood without it hurting, but it’s finally numbing up a little bit, thank the lord.

Mental changes:

14. My libido is... back? It’s very strange to me. So long as I don’t focus on PiV I’m a total horndog. I’ve been exploring a lot of different outlets and writing a lot of erotic stories. I’ve even been talking to someone that I met online about a lot of sexual things and I’m finding it very exciting. I like tease and denial a lot, and so long as I stay in that realm I’m very randy.

15. Along those lines, I feel a lot more upfront about sexual sort of things. I also take people up on their offers a lot easier, or I suggest stuff as well. I kind of went on a date this past weekend and at the end I was like “I kinda want to get high with you” and he’s like “We can arrange that”, which is a sentiment I’m not used to expressing. I guess I can more accurately pinpoint some of my desires? Not just sexual ones, but just doing things with other people.

16. My chest dysphoria has actually gone DOWN, which apparently is the opposite of what a lot of people experience. I’m not sure whether to chalk that up to just continuing excitement over being on T, or what. My brain sometimes actively tries to accept it as a part of my body. Thankfully I wasn’t preparing for surgery just yet, because the intensity is definitely something that would have thrown me off for surgery. There’s still a huge part of me that wants them removed but, to be honest, if I end up being okay with them I’m not willing to drop thousands to have them removed. If I can avoid surgery I’ll be all the happier for it.

17. More feminine things feel more okay to indulge in. I’ve been buying, making, and wearing dangly earring, and they’ve been more fun than frustrating. I’m growing my hair out. Some of the sexual things I’m indulging in are definitely with me playing the more feminine role. It all feels a lot safer and significantly less fraught with landmines.

18. Just asked my bestie what he thought my changes were, and he said that I’ve been more confident and more eager and happy, which I think are all good changes.

So those are all the ones that I can think of, which I guess is a lot. I definitely don’t pass as male, though I do sometimes get indications that people see me as male. It’s happened less than a handful of times in the past month, but I do have one student who consistently calls me “mister”, so there’s that. One of my coworkers I think has figured me out, but I’m not sure how that situation is going to pan out. I’ve gone out with a couple of people, and I’m pretty sure they all see me as a girl, which doesn’t really bother me (me being misgendered has never been stressful for me).

I intended to start in on my legal name change this month, but that hasn’t really happened. There’s a legal clinic attached to the clinic I get my drugz at that I called, but they haven’t called me back. I might talk to them next time I’m in. Since I’m probably going to be postponing top surgery I’m not too impatient to get my name change in to trigger a new health insurance event and get better health insurance so I can have the surgery arranged by the end of the year.

TL;DR: Lots of changes, still not passing and still look like a girl, but I don’t really care. I feel more like me than I have in my entire life.

#ftm #month update #writeup

[epochryphal]

fictionkin anon (kind of unwieldy as a name) 3/ I worry that from poking around those links I'm going to develop shame from the other side by disrespecting the idea of fictionkin. 'you're just latching onto a favorite character, you don't actually /feel/ it.' other concerns: alien character when going outside of the human boundary feels even more taboo than human fictionkin stuff, character that is referred to as male when I'm agender (but alien genders???)

you can go by fk? that’s a Cool name right

the whole being firmly guided away from “kin” is a real thing & worry, yeah, from all sides. there are a lot of folks who have strong opinions about **it’s identifying AS, not identifying WITH** and very firm boundary lines and “it’s not LESSER to not be kin, you just AREN’T - but you can make your own community, people are starting to” and...

well.

there’s a lot to discuss around “words should have definitions” and “identities are tools to connect to people with *similar* experiences, not *exact* ones” — and maybe you’ve seen me wrestle with that about neutrois, back in the day, the way neutrois vs agender vs genderless was an Issue and the boundaries were being actively hammered out and there were camps for and against dysphoria as the difference

but i’ve been through a lot of nb, ace-spec, aro-spec, and general mogai wordsmithing and community boundary wriggling (and of course the current exclusionist movement), and my feel is increasingly that the kin and alterhuman and nonhuman communities can be eerily similar

if someone’s telling you “you’re weakening the meaning of [asexual / kin], you should use [grey-asexual / otherhearted]” or the like... They Suck

maybe it sounds pedantic of me to insist that they Not Say That but saying “oh, that’s not usually how i/my cohort interprets it, and have you considered this other word that to me sounds potentially more relevant?”

but i think those qualifiers are deeply needed; that no one should be a self- or community-appointed Authority as to Sounds Like Us, because that will always go awry; and that the true awful pedantry lies in insisting that the Word Choices with which someone tries to express their experience Points to what that experience Truly is, when um, we all have different relationships to language and english

bluhbluh you know i’m about broad inclusion and grey areas and solidarity and there being room for people to messily grasp to articulate things

anyway i *would* unfortunately recommend staying away from most Otherkin Forums, or at least looking into how they gatekeep (“encourage proper reflection and proof of serious consideration rather than faddishness to prevent later confusion and a loss of meaningfulness to the term”).

if someone is asking you questions that Don’t Feel Useful, are Pressurey, feel Prying and Unbalancing in a way that you’re not sure is helping — i’d recommend stepping away from them. maybe contemplate/discuss those questions/feelings, sure, it can be hard to tell if it’s a paradigm-shift good-identity-crisis unbalanced — but do it on your own or with someone else. you can always come back to that person later if you feel they were a positive influence.

it’s okay to split up the roles of “being given food for thought or challenged” and “being given a safe[r] space to process your truth.” nobody can handle Intense Questions all the time, and you’re not required to Defend your Conclusions about yourself.

(also, shocker, a lot of the gatekeepers are specifically against fictionkin-without-Solid-Memories and other atypical folks. because ‘glitch’ isn’t a legit, Serious identity but ‘psychopomp’ has Spiritual Tradition. anyway.)

...that’s my longass spiel on “disrespecting the idea/core meaning of fictionkin” because that’s bullshit if it’s being used to mean “watering down our TRUTH with your DEVIATING from our DEFINITION” instead of the truly disrespectful “lol wtf this isn’t real.”

as for alien & gender things:

ok gender is actually easier to address. hi hello why am i kin with all these dudes when i am Not Dude? especially with one whose fandom depiction is Cis Male Gay With Masculinity Hangups? well you see it’s because fuck off. fuck off is why. iterations, versions, au’s, headcanons, why is this character Essentially Male oh look they’re not. oh no i’m Losing part of the Point- fuck off. nono i’m Erasing FUCK OFF. is it because male characters are generally better written? is it because it’s easier to relate to non-women due to dysphoria and representation and misogyny and- God Fuck Off. who cares. i do not. i did not Pick this and, just like my kinks, just like my grey-asexuality, it is not Actually a Political or EthicoMoral Statement about me. write your thinkpiece about the prevalence of male characters in fictionkin spaces but remember that’s societal not individual. we ain’t Betraying the Anti-Patriarchy or Representation. god. we’re usually transforming them into our gender because they’re us!! and of course it’s scarier to claim a woman character as a different gender because *that’s* oh no decreasing representation!

gender is a fuck and is utterly irrelevant to Legitimacy Of Connection. arguing otherwise is falling prey to some creepy essentialist shit, often framed as not being appropriative but actually motivated by some idea of Hard Boundary Lines or by trolls. (the idea that “you can’t kin outside your race” was popularized by trolls masquerading as marginalized. and extended into “you can’t have fictives of a different race” etc which is NOT HOW BRAINS WORK. just be respectful. and know a lot of people are sensitive to any discussion of Not This World negative experiences, as if it’s always trying to overwrite them with More Oppression Points and is a Threat. sucks.)

aliens is. shrug. “oh look they’re trying to be so Special” is already in play. they say that about anyone who “makes a big deal” aka has an intense non-normative experience, wants to talk about it, considers words.

these taboos are against being Cringey and Like A Teenage Girl and caring about something Weird and being Kinda Crazy. why not embrace the whole fucking package? why stop at “well, *human* characters aren’t too attention-seeking” when the point is what resonates with you and they’ll always call you a Bad Bad Attention Seeker anyway?

i’m not super empathetic about these last two problems i guess, sorry, i’ve been a proud outcast for way too long. it can be hard to swallow in a new arena, i know. but man, restricting yourself to the Less Cringey TM sector of a widely-mocked thing feels kinda pointless to me.

/will answer next part separately because Long, Jeez

also if you didn’t see! in the notes on my last reply to you, @paradife-loft was offering to jam with you about not-claiming-fictionkin-but feels (and has Excellent villain meta as well)

#fictionkin bloggin #kin bloggin #I HAVE OPINIONS everyone is shocked #long post

[late-stagechosen]

So, I'm talking to someone I'm considering RPing with, but their muse is an OC that's meant to have history with the Chosen, so we're still hashing out what that is.

Originally, I was playing this muse sort of off my other muse while I worked out things for that fic project that may be too huge to ever complete.

Not playing them off each other in a direct and tangible way, but they're two very disparate and both realistic looks into what being trans is. Because Ken has struggled as a direct result of it so much more than Ichigo due to Ken's parents being so cruel about it, it not only features very prominently in his story, but it's at the forefront of his identity. Ken is also monoethnic Yamato Japanese in Japan. My Ichigo, his mother was South African "Coloured"(mix of Black and white with a dash of patrilineal Japanese to explain the name) and Issin's Ainu Japanese, and he's always being attacked for his looks, so at the forefront of his identity is not being monoethnic Yamato Japanese

Often times, the thing you face the most discrimination and suffering for naturally ends up becoming a core part of how you identify.

I am very adamant on playing trans characters that want or have biological children not because I think having bio kids is some holy grail over adopted. In fact, in my project, Ichigo has both and is one of only a few characters to eventually have more bio kids than adopted. But because most of the world still demands sterilisation before legally recognising a person's gender or allowing a name change.

But mostly, for Ichigo, being trans is in the background. It's only really a big part of the story if they're going to a onsen/pool, or he's currently pregnant or something. It's not the biggest struggle in his life. His 300+ year old dad is a doctor who grew up in the Edo period, before America forced itself and queerphobia on Japan, and actually gets licenced in prescribing HRT so he can help his son. Of course, his son has a kid during that time because I was a teenager in the '90s,when a lot of teens were having kids, and I knew so many who were kicked out and met tragedy, but one with supportive parents who was happy and healthy and had a happy and healthy two year old, and I realised then that it wasn't the kids ruining their own lives, but the parents throwing them out that did.

And where Ichigo demonstrates that by being like my happy classmate, Ken demonstrates that by being like the ones who met tragedy.

Ken's parents are walking gender roles. Ken's dad is agressive or neutral toward his son depending on how his wife reacts, the end. So I figured they could be typical Japanese right-wingers.

Ken's mother becomes to fret over him...insofar as she fears having to sit with the knowledge she's a failure as a parent. I've said before I just don't find her actually shaping up and flying right after all she did believable. Papa, who realises everything in episode 23 and then seems to go right back to not caring beyond how his wife feels is much more believable.

So Ken's parents are incredibly unsupportive of who Ken actually is. Mama is passive or passive agressive about It. Papa sees a five hundred yen (five dollar) charge on the bank statement, immediately assumes Ken bought something related to being trans, like they make 500¥ binders or something (if only!) and starts yelling. The actual charge was for a piece of cake at a bakery that just opened up. That kind of thing.

When Ken hits puberty (on the night he's across the ocean in Mexico, no less), he tries to hide it, but, well, clothes stain, and Mama gives him this horrible talk about how he*will* become the woman he's "supposed to be," and Ken predictably has a panic attack and three days of unrelenting dysphoria like ants crawling all over his skin. Which is only overtaken in his head by the whole kidnapping thing. Seriously bad holiday season.

In RP, Ken bides his time and grins and bears it. In the project, Ken and Daisuke make everyone think they're dating since forever, causing Jun real confusion the day three years later Daisuke comes home and tells Jun he confessed to Ken.

Anyway, Daisuke and Miyako both like Ken. Ken's adult cousin Kouji is in a poly relationship with Junpei and Izumi, and Daisuke gets the idea they should team up and try to be in a three person relationship. It works, and Papa finds them sleeping in each other's arms late at night when he's messing with the central air.

Long story short, he gets thrown out, Jun is working and lives in Miyako's building, the three go to live with her. Miyako's family is super supportive and constantly around.

Even later (project covers eighteen years) Ken gets pregnant, miscarrying at five months.

The whole meanwhile, pretty much the entire country knows he's trans because different reporters had different parts of information. He's also sparked radio chat show debates about how to handle your kids coming out to you. Not everything said on those shows is compassionate or even correct.

So everyone knows his deadname. He will never get the chance to pass for cis as long as he is in Japan.

His parents won't let go of parental priveledges to him so easily, and puberty is really unkind to him. His build has very narrow hips, and he grows to five foot six, but other than that, he has a build not unlike Orihime from Bleach.

As much as he has older supportive people in Jun, his cousins in Nagoya, Osamu thé frog-shaped Hollow, Mimi and Jyou, who stick by them, his aunt and uncle Jenrya's parents, who pay for his schooling, and Mama and Papa are not giving him any money in the project, they still maintain control. And until he's 20, he may not be able to opt into his own treatment and his own plan on the national public option. I was in the US for high school, so I actually have to look that up.

On the blog, it's worse because he doesn't have the support network except not-dead Osamu, and his parents are his best option for money without feeling like a burden, though he's coming around.

Ken's voice has not dropped because again, he has not been able to consistently be on hormones. So how he sounds in canon is how he sounds here at 21.

All in all, he's clockable even if he wasn't nationally outed over and over.

Realise in that, he's completely lost control of whether he wants a given person to know and the chance to just be seen for who he is and not what. He's also lost the option to be stealth in every situation ever, which is dangerous.

Everyone ever also knows his deadname. Some people may not have even seen stories that tried to explain his transness and preferred name, and may call him by it without meaning anything, but it's mental death by a million papercuts to the heart whether they know or not.

The *only* solace he has is there's no reason to not leave the house for an entire pregnancy's duration when/if he has kids. Everyone knows anyway, and it's not like everyone sees him as himself even if he did pretend to be textbook (the only accepted narrative, which exactly why I'm writing him choosing to do that, again)

At the same time, people like his mother would choose something like that to give him invalidating speeches, which since Ken has the self-esteem of rotten bean sprouts, he would be a wreck afterwards.

I do think a friend trying to undo someone's invalidating speech once Ken's away from them could be a nice potential thread. Ken would be older than default age of 21, because here, he tried to go to university.

But in the end, Ichigo and Ken are definitely played off each other. Ichigo's what happens when kids have loving parents that understand that their kids are people, and Ken's what happens when kids have bigoted narcist parents that think kids are vanity projects to force to be as you wish, and inconvenient if you can't (think about how flashback!Mama treats Ken like an afterthought and inconvenience)

I like creating fanworks that contribute something to the world, and Ichigo and Ken offer two very different looks about the myriad of ways trans can look, and also offer two different sides of the same coin on a parent's duty to their children, a duty anyone takes on when they decide to become a parent.

Before I close, I should also say that neither character is upset about being trans. Even Ken knows the thing to be upset about is living in an unaccepting world. Not being cis, white, whatever priveledged demograph isn't a bad thingat all. It's neutral, as it should be. It's like having a predilection for a certain genre of book or something. But face enough hate over something, and it becomes an indelible part of your life story.

#about muse #musings