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kanemayfield · 3 years

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Dr. Mayfields Words Of Wisdom - UK food is awful... prove me wrong.

If you ever really look at traditional UK food you kind of understand why they literally started murdering people for spices.

Before you accuse me of overreacting click this link right here 👉🏾👉🏾 GROSS

(I’ll wait)

Exactly.... wtf is eel jelly?

That SOUNDS like something a long shoreman would shout to a woman for street harassment purposes and it LOOKS like something you serve to a person you plan on dropping bad news on like...

"Good to see you Nigel... fancy a cuppa... well ive got bad news and worse food... here's some shite pizza dough filled with dogfood that I call "pie"... why yes I did run tap-water on it disrespectfully... yeah... didnt want any natural flavors to give the impression of seasonings so i gave it a proper spritz mate lol... yes its green... haven't the foggiest why.... but im sure its tops...oh btw... your grandma is dead bruv... and you’re out the will. Pack of Mel Gibsons are piping your wife. Pretty rubbish innit"

Oh that 👆🏾?

Yeah... that's porridge.

That unhappy bowl of disrespect is what some unfortunate souls call breakfast and the rest of the world calls gruel. There is no appropriate time of the day for such an abomination. This is Oliver Twist food, bro. That just exemplifies how terrible that little yoot life was... he wanted MORE gruel... word... that's a horrendous upbringing. That's where the word “grueling” comes from. Someone in a dungeon trying to eat this bowl of insults. People who respect you would never even come at you like this in the morning.

Now think about THIS... if all you know is porridge... which is obviously of the devil... and you meet this new group of peoples.. and homie got a silken pimp robe and matching slippers. Sun has the iced out hair scrunchie and permed eyebrows. Just living wild luxurious. He not even tripping off you. Your whole camp look hongry and unwashed to a man of his discipline... he gotta be judging you.... you know he is....t

This man is rocking some Sweet Daddy Grace lengthy shit... smelling like lavender and using his long coke nail to spear him a spicy dumpling and feed it to a colorfully dressed woman.

HELL YEAH you gotta pop on him and cause an international incident...

no doubt...he was styling on you crazy. I get it... of course you were embarrassed... he caught you lacking... smelling like the ocean and bad decisions... and he just splish splashing the soy sauce and flinging 5 spice powder like a Trini at j’ouvert. The language barrier is all that was stopping this guy from telling you to eat a dick... you def aint breaking out the old union jack lunch box, and showing him you you brought two for just such an occasion. Not a shred of mouth dignity, b.

AAAAYYOOOOOOOOOOOO.....

Fuck is this..... you call it WHAT.... Bangers and Mash... yeah... that works cause I'm gonna bang this plate off the table and mash up the whole restaurant.

But this is about seasonings... you think you gonna be able to go home to merry old England after seeing ACTUAL people food?

That shit is an unrespectful dish b.... pardon me for exposing you to this filth beloveds... but UK people eat these... this point gotta get made. This is why the British Empire was so crazy. It makes sense.. they would go home and after 30 min and be like..

“(looks at plate of sausage dong) crikey look at the time.. I gotta go.. more land to discover... I'm out... AYO Barnaby, get the boat my guy... yeah.. this nigga on some balderdash.. FOH.. ”

Imagine you had a hard day laboring... shaving rocks in the quarry or putting shoes on a horse or banging an anvil or whatever British people did before spices... you go home just looking for a little food and comfort and somebody pulls up with a double unseasoned frank for your boca...

FUCK YEEEAAAH I'm building a boat... and I'm NEVER coming back. This place is BARE wickedness.

How you got castles and roundtables and danger mouse... but still eat gruel and rambunctious franks.... with no seasonings ??? That shit doesn't make any sense. English people had a whole lot of misdirected energy

Penny-farthing bikes and no basil. Yall wilding.

Just imagine your life is terrible with dong-shaped food all the time... so you get on a big boat, sail further than you think the world goes just to meet you a man chilling in a place where it never snows, women got they yahmean’s out... & he just seasoning a goat-meat panini wild regular like...

"...maaaaan I don't even want this... don't een know why I made it fam... naah i mean I JUST had one... yeah its good.. but I can’t rock with two of em.. AYO.. you hungry bro.. yeah YOU.. super lightskinned from the boat... yall look famished... here hold this down... ".

You gonna start making undignified noises the first time you have seasonings. You know how I know: look at how homey on the right is side-eyeing you. He looking at you like

“I know this pink dirty boat man ain’t just moan sexually over a panini”

He judgy... and they got the brocky neckwear. Big homey got the Selassie fingers and the ill breathable garments. And he smiling. Know why? SEASONINGS.... he don't give a fuck about you or your boat.

“Where you from... oh woooord... they got big free-range titties and truck jewelry over there??... nah... sounds shitty.... what about that panini I gave you.. shit was banging, right? WAIT... banger? Fuck is a banger?.... A WHAT? Nah bro... we got kids out here.. watch your mouth. I think it’s time for you to leave.”

Yeah... they smiling because nobody trying to push a double frank in they face... pause. No Oliver Twist soup anywhere in the vicinity, bro. Just well seasoned food and flourish. Women ain’t gonna have their babylons untethered for your viewing enjoyments if you engage in such sinful snacks.

Man’s just living his life and doing fun shit with yams, billowing robes and getting this schmoney. Big bonfire... women bussin open that strawberry poundcake for the god and he just shaking black pepper around like it grows on trees.

HELL YEAAAH you gonna try and capture him... you gonna try and capture fucking everybody. You can’t just yap the spice rack without the knowledge of how to implement that joint. Who gonna teach you how to do Selassie fingers? You’re gonna be uninstructed in the proper deployment of the lemon peppers.

You’re gonna fumble the bag and ruin the mutton... so.... you know.... I get it.

I can (in these context) wrap my mind around why they was stealing people wholesale.

I'm not defending slavery... I'm just illustrationing the importance of spices.

And the lack of spices promotes wicked interactions amongst mankind. That's fax 🖨

You ever have dinner with a person who puts OD condiments on steak? We all have unfortunately... and I bet you had a devilish time.

And the steak.... it was well done wasn't it... I know it was. Because I can recognize Lucifer and his works.

The UK is the same people who will serve you fried fish and french fries, then look you straight in the eyes like..

"you know what you missing, bruv...? A dixie cup of warm mashed up green peas.... yeah.. to eat. Whyyyyy?... because nationally our mouths are broken and we won't fix it. Oh... no?...you’re not interested??... Well would you rather have some pudding then, mi lord? Chocolate... oh no, guvnor. Not the delicious dessert that Bill Cosby ruined, I’m talking about this red dick with onions and blood in it. Yeah... to eat.. Spot on.. we call that pudding here, mate... it's smashing!!!"

Fuck outta here.... that looks like poop with wood varnish on it.

No surprise they had a whole tower for torturing people...

They wild AF... that's an angry culture, yo. Who designed their food shapes because I see a theme here?

These people were living in a nightmare and now they forgot where they came from. Talking bout Brexit: “too many foreigners”. Fuck around and everybody leave and take they recipe book with them.... then you back to having nothing but patriotic dicks to eat. Careful what you wish for, champ.

Anyway... I feel like the world could be a better place if people just had spices.

So what we should do is just look for whoever don't have seasonings... all around the world. And when we find em... just keep an eye on em... put em on a watchlist... they will be the world’s next troublemakers.

I promise.

But seriously... who TF eats mashed up peas?

That shit still bothering me....

I hate peas...

I love my grandma... but one time when I was a likkle yoot, she tried to feed me mashed up peas. At first I just kept turning my head away out of respect for the old earth. But when she persisted like some sort of colonial food terrorist with machinations of me dining on the meal responsible for 300yrs of atrocities and Hugh Grant.... I spit that shit dead in her face like champagne and told her I'm royalty...

Be well,

Kane M

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