the ending of Lolita is so beautifully sad, i relate to it so.
Dolores dies on Christmas, merely days before her 18th birthday. she could’ve lived a long good life if it wasn’t for who shall not be named
it just shows how trauma of that nature truly keeps you a child no matter how old you get. the death of your childhood but also the prolonged birth of your adulthood keeps you in the limbo
poor Dolores and all the other innocent people who are still trying to heal
I managed to record half of a song on a cassette as a teenager, the year somewhere in the early 90s. The song had incredibly beautiful lyrics and haunting guitars but I never heard the dj say who's song it was. I just knew that the song IS beautiful and listened the cassette on repeat for years (I still have it). I never heard the song in the radio again, so when cd's and mp3's took over the song got buried under other stuff in my mind.
Until today.
I heard another song that had the same guitars and singer, and after a short digging the artist...
I. Fucking. Found it.
I found the song I had been hoping to find for probably 30 years. I finally learned who's song it was and heard it entirely for the first time EVER.
Man. I bawled. The song is even more beautiful than I remembered.
Why I'm posting this here is that it gave me such inspo that I don't even know what to do with it. Because it reeks of super angsty something and I'm afraid it's angsty because someone's dead. And I hate writing angst with permanent deaths because man, the amount of tears I shed when writing it.... But when muse says write... *sighs and grabs a box of tissues on her way to her laptop*
as someone who has attended a community college, an extremely small and rural state college, and now a large (50000-student!) university, I am always comparing the differences in these experiences. and am aware that each experience is going to have its pros and cons. but honestly my time in grad school at this larger university has been a deeply radicalizing and upsetting experience.
I found attending community college, even at a young age as I did (18-20) really rewarding in that, because of the age-diversity of the student body, instructors were extremely respectful of their students as people with lives of their own. That wasn't quite so prominent at the state college, but you had a lot of well-intentioned liberal-ish types. they were hyper-respectful of student-professor boundaries, were very "it's ok to be LGBT!" and still baseline pretty chill.
In contrast, my experience in grad school has been a trainwreck. professors broadly feel entitled to your time at their discretion and often feel angry if you aren't available at any time. they trample over boundaries and, perhaps because the student-body is broadly older, feel comfortable saying pretty much anything. more than anything, though, in this progressive, university in a medium-sized city, I encounter more unhinged bigotry than I did in ether of my previous experiences. (Author's note: I also encounter far less female professors, which might have something to do with it.) Male professors have trampled boundaries, made sexualized comments to female students, and at every turn condescended to, berated, and verbally abused female students who don't fall in line and defer to them. the same professors have imitated my accent, compared lesbian sexuality to porn, and been openly shocked and agitated if students don't have the newest iphones.
this post is mostly about venting. I have always been passionate about academia and loved my time at my previous institutions, and this experience has been extremely disappointing in many ways. I have never felt more aware of how progressive misogyny, homophobia, and bigotry at large work within the institution, and I am deeply fucking disillusioned.
just had a realisation, was thinking about how it's about the right time of year to think about asking for nov 5th off at work, and put two and two together that i'm seeing atl and mayday parade on nov 4th, and i was planning to say i was available for surgery (for my hysterectomy) the monday following that which would be nov 6th. so my question is, should i say i won't be available for surgery until the 7th? bcos w timezones everyone will still be celebrating the 5th when it's already the 6th here and i want to be able to keep posting too!!
I went and stayed with my mom over the weekend. We talked things through, mostly about the things that I did while using drugs and all that happened with my abuser. I think things are okay between us now. We also went to thrift shops and stuff, that was fun. I feel normal and calm which is nice. I feel in between and I am really enjoying it. Im intending to call my boyfriend and just chill tonight. Have been hallucinating a lot recently but less turn before. It’s mostly maracas sounds like I’m being haunted by a really lame band. Life is good.