#DAMN IM SO HAPPY I CAN BE AN ATHEIST NOW. THAT IM NOT FORCED INTO ANY OF THIS ANYMORE

[in-the-whisper]

I'm sorry if this is a common/stupid ask but I fundamentally don't understand religion and I couldn't imagine believing so strongly in anything, but it seems very nice(?) and possibly even optimistic to have a constant like that in your life. so in the sense I think I have an idea of what religion is, what makes you decide(?) to follow it or believe in it? genuine apologies if this comes across as patronizing or condescending, it's not my intention and sometimes I'm just bad with words ':]

dude you are always welcome here and i will never assume that you are being mean you are very sweet <3 i am very happy to talk to you!

ok so i come from a super different background so it’s hard for me to even imagine like not knowing a ton of people who are religious so i will try to explain and then if it doesn’t make sense feel free to poke me and i will try again. also it makes me happy so dont be scared i will say oh! someone asked me about God! yay! and then i will write a silly tumblr post while making this face -> c: 

okay so one of your confusions seems to be why i would believe in something so strongly. in a way everyone believes things strongly, some even more than me (i mean look at politics and thanksgiving dinner). i think the reason that my relationship with God in particular is something i feel strongly about is because i derived my faith from my natural understanding of the value of my friends and from my understanding of morality.

i love my friends very much (most people do) and the idea of them getting hurt or mistreated makes me very angry (i think people would agree). and you could make the argument that the reason that i care so deeply about people and justice is because of all the stuff ive been through but i did think this before anything bad happened to me really.

there is a difference between atheist (philosophical) morality and Christian morality. for someone who doesn’t believe in God, there isn’t anybody who is more important than humanity who can tell them what to do. if one person does something, and i don’t like it, all i can say is, “i don’t like that,” and not “you shouldn’t do that.” because im not in charge of them. i’m just another person, who am i to go around establishing moral laws for other people?

but what that /also/ means is that there isn’t any “grounding” or like /reason/ for morality or the value of life other than personal preference. this Really bothered me about my philosophy class, every atheist philosopher did this. they all wanted to say that you could make morality for yourself (looking at you nietzsche). But then what happens? What about when someone is killed? or raped? I want to be able to say, “Rape is horrible.” and not just “Rape is horrible in my opinion.” Anything that doesn’t allow for these like absolute, unquestionable, overarching standards of how people /should/ or /shouldn’t/ live just doesn’t add up imo.

Atheist professor of law at Yale, Dr. Arthur Leff, wrote an article on this exact topic called “Unspeakable ethics Unnatural Law.” The entire thing is amazing and I recommend it, but here is the conclusion:

All I can say is this: it looks as if we are all we have. Given what we know about ourselves and each other, this is an extraordinarily unappetizing prospect; looking around the world, it appears that if all men are brothers, the ruling model is Cain and Abel. Neither reason, nor love, nor even terror, seems to have worked to make us "good," and worse than that, there is no reason why anything should. Only if ethics were something unspeakable by us, could law be unnatural, and therefore unchallengeable. As things now stand, everything is up for grabs. 

Nevertheless:  Napalming babies is bad.  Starving the poor is wicked.  Buying and selling each other is depraved.  Those who stood up to and died resisting Hitler, Stalin, Amin, and Pol Pot-and General Custer too-have earned salvation.  Those who acquiesced deserve to be damned.  There is in the world such a thing as evil.  [All together now:] Sez who?  God help us.

So if I think this is true, if I really believe that death is evil, that rape is horrible, that there are some universally binding and unchallengeable truths about how people ought to live, I have to believe in a God. or i can live in a state of constant existential dread hahahahaha, , I joke but I actually did do that for a while it was pretty miserable.

i think the next question was kind of what made me believe in it? and that is kind of a difficult question because i think in a way Christianity just encapsulates a bunch of things that i already believed, and i just found like a label for them i guess. i also grew up Christian, so for me my experience questioning my religious identity was more like, three people you love are dead why do you still believe in a loving God? Rather than which religion or philosophy do i like the best?

idk maybe they come out to be the same but it doesnt feel entirely the same. i’m still a christian because of sunsets and sunrises and because the world feels beautiful and intentional, and because i’ve been in a lot of pain and it was real. it really happened. it wasn’t in my head (looking at you stoicism). it wasn’t unimportant. there is not if buts ands ors it was just awful and that’s that. so what can explain it? what can explain meaning? only God can.

Christianity is specifically the religion im interested in because it’s the only one i’ve come across that is as internally consistent, historically accurate, scientifically accurate, coherent understandings of the universe.

No other philosophy allows you to grieve. That’s why I believe in God. No other philosophy validates grief that a belief in a loving God, a belief that death isn’t meant to happen, that people are violently ripped from you without purpose and that you are meant to live together forever. It allows for a belief in the value of humanity and grace while also allowing you to believe that things that happen to you that might last with you forever are wrong and not just in your opinion. They were violently wrong, they violated ancient laws of the universe, they were an act of aggression toward God himself.

Ok im rambling now but I will leave you with this, which is what i wrote after finally deciding to remain a christian:

“There are several questions I asked that stopped me from rejecting Christianity.

Where did the universe come from and why does it exist?

Why does our experience involve morality?

Why is there love? (deep love between brothers, self sacrificial love, to die for another love)

Why is there goodness?

There are, of course, answers to these questions under ideologies other than Christianity, but I found their answers to be unsatisfying because to me, the existence of these things screams that there is something more to the universe than an unfortunate accident in a vacuum of uncaring nothingness.

When I listened to music encouraging its audience to live, when I listened to people fight for the lives of those they love, when i watched the sun set, or cried at the end of a deeply touching movie, I would think, “In light of this how can you say there is no God?”

In Christianity I found answers that profoundly satisfied my deepest questions. 

There is a universe because God in his wisdom fashioned it to be a beautiful gift. There is morality because we stand in the midst of a cosmic battle between good and evil. There is love because God’s nature is perfectly loving and the fabric of the knowable universe was woven in his loving kindness. There is beauty and goodness because life wasn’t created to be a void and an unknowable miserable darkness.

The true issue with atheism is that while intellectually and technically feasible, it gives empty answers to facets of life that do not have empty realities.

It forced me to ask myself this question: How can such a beautiful, meaningful, tragic world exist from nothing and for nothing?”

#rape tw #rape #griefjourney #grief tw #long post #i specify philosophical morality because atheists by and large dont actually think like this but at an academic level this is how the logic #ends up working out

[crilbyte]

Confession time

1. Who hurt you the most? My first boyfriend. I've never recovered from that relationship. 2. Who have you hurt the most? Probably my husband. 3. Who do you miss the most? I really miss my grandmother. I never really knew her, her having died while changing my diaper over 20 years ago, but I have felt her absence my whole life. She's the only other writer in my family and from stories I know that she and I are very similar minded... And I miss her for it. 4. Who do you want out of your life the most? Honestly... I don't think there is someone. 5. Who had the biggest positive impact on you? Two people, my best friend and my kelpie. They saved me from myself. (and what everyone else had told me to think of myself) 6. Who had the biggest negative impact on you? My first boyfriend. 7. Who do you wish you could be honest with? I'm a pretty open book, but I guess I wish I could be honest with my mother about my religious practices. 8. Who have you harbored (any kind of!) secret feelings towards? Oh man. I have a lot of this. I am a lustful person. Mostly friends. 9. Who would the world be better off without? Hmm.... Dunno 10. Who do you wish you’d treated differently? Uhhhhh... Maybe my husband. It would have helped a lot of our issues. 11. What was the worst day of your life? Probably when I learned my grandpa died. 12. What’s your greatest fear? Aging. Death and dying. The absence of existence. 13. What’s your biggest insecurity? I wish I was more in shape. Maybe? I'm pretty happy with myself. 14. What’s your biggest regret? I don't regret DOING things. The past stays in the past. I regret NOT doing things. Missed opportunities. 15. Describe your ideal world. A world where I can be as hedonistic as I please. 16. Describe your personal hell. Im living it #emo #myspace. No but uh I dunno? Working a job I hate…leading a life I hate…ending up alone…lmao 17. What’s a hopeless dream you’re still holding on to? One day living my Kelpie and Calypso life. 18. What’s the most embarrassed you’ve ever been? I'm not exactly sure. I get embarrassed a lot but nothing super memorable comes to mind. 19. What’s the angriest you’ve ever been? I got so angry when I was young that I had to start doing to anger management. I would hold in anger until it burst forth. I remember being so angry once that I wanted to hold the flat iron I was using to my mother's face, and it scared me so much I immediately lost all my anger and just cried. 20. What’s the saddest you’ve ever been? Well, I have Dysthymia and anxiety so... It's an ever-changing fact. 21. What’s the most scared you’ve ever been? Probably the time I almost suffocated. (I've almost drowned like 3 times but I've never felt panic like that before the strangulation) 22. What’s the most hopeless you’ve ever felt? About a two years ago, before my Dysthymia was diagnosed. I remember feeling so disconnected that I didn't feel like existing, but wasn't suicidal. 23. What’s the most frantic you’ve ever felt? Probably after trying to clean up traces of my past mistakes. 24. What’s the bravest you’ve ever felt? Probably when I performed a solo song in high school. 25. What’s the best case scenario for your future? Have a few kids. I'm actually really worried that I'll have trouble with it, bit seriously, babies. I want babies. 26. What’s the worst case scenario for you future? Divorced and not self sufficient. 27. What’s the most physical pain you’ve ever felt? Combo of my Endometriosis and my Migraines. worst pain ever. 28. What’s the most emotional pain you’ve ever felt? Realizing I was in love with someone I couldn't have. 29. Describe a time you felt like a hypocrite. I am both not jealous at all and also extremely possessive. 30. Describe a time you felt like a traitor. I definitely have betrayed people but I've never felt like a traitor. 31. Describe a time you felt like a hero. Once after saving my brother from choking. 32. Describe a time you felt inhuman. I have a hard time with disassociation and also wonder about possibly having BPD for my lack of guilt. 33. Describe a time you felt like a failure. I feel like a failure when it covers to a lot of adult things. 34. What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done? It's a secret. (｡> ω･｡) 35. What are you proudest of? I'm quite proud of my writing and photography. 36. What’s your relationship with your family like? Pretty damn good, actually. 37. What’s your relationship with religion like? I was raised Christan and then went atheist, then agnostic, then what my friend called "Minaism" at time which was a kind of Schrodingers cat of religion. Now I am some kind of pagan. 38. Talk about someone you’ve lost. I've lost a lot of people to death, but they don't bother me as much. I understand that they are gone and there's nothing that I can do about that. It's the ones that are still out there that get me the most. 39. Talk about someone who abandoned you. I could only really say that I've been abandoned once, a friend who just decided that they were going to cut all contact with me without telling me why. 40. Talk about a desire you have that scares you. I have a strong desire to just wholeheartedly embrace my hedonistic side. It's very self destructive and dangerous. I've walked that path before and while it is a LOT of fun, it's also very bad. 41. What’s something you wish you were capable of? I really wish I wasn't so paranoid and anxious. Every little thing makes me scared that I'm going to lose everything, that my husband will be mad at me, or the like. It's all in my head and I don't know how to help get over it. 42. What’s something you’re afraid that you’re capable of? I'm scared that I'm capable of being wholeheartedly the darker persona I know I harbor inside myself. The cold, selfish, self indulging hedonist. 43. Describe the kind of life you wish you’d been born into. I just wish my parents hadn't been so poor. It would have helped them and my, and maybe saved their marriage. 44. Describe your worst heartbreak. The last drive home from my midnight trips to the beach. 45. Describe your worst disappointment. I'd say it's probably that I never really learned Japanese. 46. Have you ever taken a fall for someone? I try not to. 47. Have you ever forced or let someone take a fall for you? Oh, I'm sure 48. Have you ever done serious physical harm to someone? I've hit my share of nuts 49. Have you ever done serious emotional harm to someone? Not intentionally, but that doesn't mean I haven't. I most certainly have. 50. Have you ever self-harmed? Not due to emotional stress. I do have Dermatillomania, so I scratch at myself constantly and tend to cut myself with scissors when I scrape at my skin. 51. Have you ever attempted suicide? I plead the 5th 52. Have you ever stolen something? Lol, oh yes. I was a bit of a klepto when I younger. I stole books mostly. 53. Have you ever cheated on someone? Uh... Yeah. 54. Have you ever been cheated on? Not to my knowledge. 55. Have you ever taken revenge on someone? Yeah. 56. Have you ever seriously considered killing somone? A long time ago. 57. Have you ever betrayed someone who trusted you? Yes. By a close friend. 58. Have you ever experienced something supernatural or unexplainable? Yes. The most supernatural experience is probably when I was very young. It was the first time I almost drowned. I was at a local pond with the daycare I was in and had gone out past the buoys and couldn't keep above water. I remember jumping up and down only to get barely high enough for little gulps of air. I waved at the ladies who was watching us but they just laughed. A little after that I remember someone pulling me from the water, but my eyes were too blurry to see who it was. When I finally caught my breath and cleared my eyes there was no one there. The place didn't have a lifeguard or anything of the sort, and the only adults there were the women from the daycare. I never found out who or what it was. But they saved my life that day.

#mine #rant #conversations #confessions

[ttamkooz]

god made me an atheist

ive gone round and round in my brain for years now on how to start expressing my journey and where i am today.

there have been many drafts that have since been tossed in the trash, each leaving me unsatisfied. always back to the drawing board; over and over again. i even wrote a piece and showed it to a few people just to mentally push through but, alas i still wasnt happy with it. 

so i let it go. we had some family stuff sneak to the forefront of life and so i gladly put that damn thing on the back-burner. 

but as the great ‘smee’ from the movie ‘hook’ once said, ‘lightning has struck my brain!’ and so now i know and now we will begin...

prologue:

to any and all of my family and friends who read this i want to say that i am still the matt you have known before, just minus the belief in a deity. i actually hesitated for the longest while to use the term atheist because of what it typically conveys to those in the christian community and i did not want you to think of me like that. so please believe me when i say that i am still the goofy, bald, loving and sometimes too pudgy guy youve always known. i wont mock you because you still believe and im not out to convince or convert you. this is just my story and i will share so i can be free in my own mind and hopefully regain a sense of honesty within myself.

my story:

most of you who read this will know me and my background but for anyone who doesnt, here are the cliffs notes...

-born and raised in a pentecostal christian household. went to church every time the doors were open.

-i ‘walked away’ from god and rebelled in my teens. eventually, i got re-saved and ended up working part-time & full time in the church in multiple capacities for 8-9 years off and on.

there were actually two events that i now look back and see were crucial in my departure from faith.

event #1

so one day im in my office at the church when a member comes in balling and talking about the problem they are experiencing in their marriage. as i sat and merely listened to the horrific story and watched the excruciating pain they were feeling at that very moment i had an awful epiphany; i thought to myself, “what can i possibly say here?” the list of scriptures usually accessed by my brain in these types of situations was now being rejected by my conscience. every single one, now all of a sudden were not good enough. they just seemed....false.

event #2

at the ripe ole’ age of 32 i became a dad. it was and continues to be my favorite role in life (sorry honey-im sure you’d say the same 8!). but as amazing as it was it unknowingly caused me to read the bible through the eyes of a father and this turned out to paint quite a disturbing picture of yahweh. i honestly couldn’t believe that i was never able to see it this way before. i mean im not talking about the many obscure stories that only atheists and apologists read, i am talking about the big ones baby. what in the world happened to my brain that i was able to read and hear these stories for almost 30 years and see anything but horror show that it is? 

so as i set out on a journey to read my bible. i read with a new set of eyes. stories that once conveyed hope, faith and victory now portrayed very, very different things. now not only did i read the bible, but i read everything i could get my hands on. books and blogs by bible scholars, pastors and apologists but nothing was reading like it was supposed to. 

a few years of this along with many hours of discussion with 2 trusted friends. one a pastor and the other a fellow christian in deconstruction. these were simply a safe place to voice new found emotions, ideas, frustrations and whatever else happened to be brewing inside my soul on that particular day. 

if asked, both these guys could attest to the fact that i tried to rebuild more than once, but at one point or another it would all be wrong and id have to knock it down, assess and try to put it back together again. 

and then, one very seemingly ordinary night i came home from one of these discussions. everyone in the house was asleep and it was dark and quiet. as i stood in my kitchen getting a drink of water it occurred to me; i no longer believe and that was it. 

there would be no more deconstruction.

there would be no more rebuilding.

it was a thought slash feeling from deep down that told me it was over. and i felt a very real sense of loss. the kind of loss like a loved one had passed away. i felt my brain scrambling for an argument, but there was nothing. 

nothing but the loss.

i wasnt swayed by a bunch of scientific facts or a speech by dawkins or hitchens. i read the bible and now i am an atheist.

and i will say that a few years past that moment of realization, i am happier and more at peace than i ever have before in my life.

prologue:

this has obviously been a streamlined version of what occurred over something like 5 years. it is my goal to just put it out there for me and whatever happens, happens. 

i imagine i will get a little bit of every kind of response with news like this and im at a place in my life that i am fine with it. i cant remember my life being any better than it is right now. my wife and my kids are amazing, my family is bigger than ever and remains strong, and my confidence in being who i am has probably never been higher. 

i dont know when or even if i will post again (probably pretty randomly) but i will respond to those who write back to me on this post.

thanks for reading and may the force be with you!

#atheism #god #peace #realization #conversion