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morgana-larkin · 10 days

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Me againnnn lmao I have another request could u do Melissa x reader where reader is normally quiet but someone brought up their special interest and everyone is kinda weirded out coz reader gets so happy and starts talking about it and sharing facts and stuff but no one except Melissa knows reader is autistic and someone says something mean to reader and she gets upset and Melissa comforts reader and also stands up for her (as always no pressure I’m so so so happy! u r the first person that iv come across who writes fics about Melissa and autistic reader I get so happy when I see a notification from u i literally jump up and down with happiness and your fics really help me to accept im autistic coz I’m still trying to come to terms with it anyway hope u r doing well🫶)

OMG YES! Info dumping! I love it. And I’m so glad my fics are helping you. Feel free as well to message me directly if you ever want. So my other obsession besides Lisa Ann Walter, is Doctor Who and Jodie Whittaker, so of course I chose to have the reader talk about her as the Doctor… I regret nothing 😊. I went a little extra at the end but I’m too gay for Melissa to care. Anyway, I enjoyed writing this so thank you for the prompt and I hope you like it! As always, not edited in the slightest.

For everyone, feel free to keep sending me prompts, and I was thinking about writing a one shot about Cheesy as there’s not enough imo. Let me know if I should or not.

Title based off the song from Shrek 3 and the Italian word stronzo means asshole.

Thank You for Letting Me Be Myself

Warnings: someone is mean to reader, reader struggling with having autism(small part)

Words: 2.3k

You’re sitting in the break room at the table with Barb and Melissa. You get up to get a coffee and when you do you hear someone starting to talk about Doctor Who and you perk up.

You turn around to see Jacob, Mr. Morton and another teacher talking about it. “You guys watch Doctor Who?” You say and they stop talking and look up at you. Normally you’re quiet and don’t really say much as you’re recharging before you go and have to teach your kiddos again.

“Yes, do you watch it?” Jacob asks you and you nod with a big smile. Melissa looks up at you and sees your smile and she can’t help but smile herself. She’s had a crush on you since about 4 months after you started and it’s almost been 9 months that you’re working here.

“Well come here and share your thoughts about it.” Jacob says and you walk over to them, coffee in hand.

“What exactly is your discussion about?” You ask them.

“About the first female doctor, the 13th doctor.” Mr. Morton says and you keep smiling.

“She’s my favourite doctor! Like she’s so enthusiastic and passionate and she just loves everything about what she does! And she’s so funny too, it’s just a joy to watch Jodie play her!” You start and they look at you confused, wondering why you’ve always been quiet but now you’re talkative.

The truth is, you're autistic and the only one that knows is Melissa and she promised not to tell anyone since it’s your secret not hers. You told her because you felt like you kept missing social cues or taking things too literally, so you wanted someone in your corner to help you and she had no problem doing that for you. She looks at you talking so passionately about your favourite show with a smile and heart eyes before going back to her phone, secretly still listening to you.

“And her Tardis is so amazing, oh and her companion’s compliment her so well, and her outfit looks amazing. Did you know that Jodie helped decide on the outfit to support the LGBTQ community since she’s a huge ally. And also…” and you keep going on for about 5 minutes about how much you love the 13th doctor and her era on Doctor Who. Until the other teacher, you don’t know their name, the one Mr. Morton and Jacob were talking too, says something.

“OMG! Would you please shut up!” He says and you quickly shut your mouth. “I preferred it when you didn’t speak at all.” He says, glaring at you. And you look down at the ground, embarrassed before running out of there.

Melissa looked up when he started speaking and is now getting up and walking over to them. “Hey! Don’t talk to her like that. You should count yourself lucky that I won’t contact one of my guys on you.” She says and looks at Jacob. “Why didn’t you say anything?!?” She says to him “or you?” She says to Mr. Morton.

“Sorry Melissa, it all happened so fast.” Mr. Morton says and Jacob nods in agreement.

“You should be ashamed of yourself!” She says to the teacher that was mean to you.

“Hey, we were just sitting here talking about it until she cuts in and starts talking about everything that we weren’t even discussing. And she wouldn’t stop talking.” The teacher says , only making a deeper hole for himself. Melissa glares at him.

“I don’t care what you think! There’s better ways to do that!” She says to him.

“She shouldn’t have talked so much and knew that it was too much.” He says, still trying to defend himself.

“She’s autistic you stronzo!” She yells at him and then realises that she just told your secret and has wide eyes. All 3 of them look at her speechless, now understanding that you got excited and were info dumping and didn’t mean to talk so much. Melissa turns around and walks out of the break room and goes to find you.

She ends up finding you in your classroom crying on your chair, hugging your legs. She knocks on the door, “hey y/n it’s me, just wanted to come check on you.” She tells you.

You get up and unlock the door then open it. Melissa’s heart breaks a bit when she sees you. Eyes puffy, red and watery, tear stained cheeks and red nose from you blowing your nose.

“Oh hun.” She says and you walk back to your chair hugging your legs again. Melissa walks in and closes and locks the door then walks over to your desk. “Hey, he was an ass, he shouldn’t have said that to you.” Melissa tells you and crouches down and you look at her.

“No, he’s right, I was talking too much. I shouldn’t have gotten involved in their conversation. I just got so excited,” you tell her and you sniffle a bit.

“Hun, it’s understandable, I know how much you love Doctor Who. You have nothing to be ashamed about.” She tells you and grabs your hand. “Btw I might have accidentally told them that you’re autistic. As in I told them and called that teacher a stronzo for you.” She tells you. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for it to slip out, I just got angry that he was mean to you.” She says, rubbing your hand with her thumb.

“It’s ok, they would have found out eventually. But this is another reason I don’t engage in conversations, cause I might talk too much.” You tell her. Melissa gets up and opens her arms out.

“Come here.” She tells you and motions to hug her. You put your feet down on the ground and then hug her waist since you’re still sitting in your chair. “Why don’t we go back in there, finish lunch. And then after school you can come to my place and I can make you some food and we can watch whatever you want.” She suggests and you look at her surprised.

“Really?” You ask her and she nods. “I would love that.” You tell her and she smiles. She helps you up and then unlocks the door and opens it for you. You both walk out and she sees you’re nervous about going back. She puts an arm wrapped around your back and her other hand on the arm closes to her and rubs it, providing comfort for you.

You get back in and when you enter everyone stops and looks up at you. Melissa can feel you immediately tense up. “What are all youse looking at?” She says and glares at everyone. Everyone immediately looks back down to their phone or food and continues what they were doing. Melissa leads you back to the table where Barb is and Barb gives you a comforting smile.

The teacher that was mean to you gets up and comes over to you. Melissa sees him coming over and glares at him, almost daring him to hurt you again. He has his head hanging a bit, looking embarrassed and stands beside you and you look up at him.

“Hey y/n, I just wanted to apologize to you. I shouldn’t have said what I said to you, I’m sorry.” He tells you and you nod your head at him. You’re too overwhelmed right now and can’t speak. You finish your lunch without saying another word and Melissa keeps glancing at you, worried about you.

You finish up the day quietly. You get the kids to work on their book report so that it’s silent and you don’t have to talk much. At the end of the day, when your last student was picked up you glance over at Melissa down the hall. You taught first grade so your classrooms are close together.

You can’t help but stare at her. She’s bending over and offering one of her students a high five before waving bye to them to go with their parent. You decide to leave now while she’s distracted, you think that maybe it wasn’t the best to get Melissa involved in your situation and shouldn’t have told her you’re autistic. So many people have had to accommodate you or help you and you feel like you should be able to do it yourself now that you’re an adult.

Melissa sees you look at her with a sad expression on your face before leaving. She can’t help but feel like maybe you won’t come over to her place now. When her last student is leaving with their parent a couple minutes later, she practically books it to the parking lot but sees your car is already gone.

She drives home and gets to work on cooking dinner, hoping you’d show. But then she gets a text from you saying that you won’t be able to make it tonight, and she sighs. She researched autism when you told her a few months ago and she knows that when autistic people get overwhelmed, they hide themselves away. She offered for you to come to her place to de-stress with food and tv, so she does the next best thing. After she finished cooking, she packed it into a container, and brought it with her to your place. She went and knocked on your door.

You answered it not too long later with leggings and loose shirt on. “Melissa? What are you doing here?” You ask her.

“Well since you won’t come over to my place, I thought I’d come to you.” She says with a warm smile and you now feel even more guilty for cancelling on her. “I brought over food I made. So either we can eat here or we can go back to my place. Choice is up to you.” She tells you with a shrug. You decide to go to her place and when you get there she gives you your favourite hoodie of hers and you sit on the couch. You’ve been to her place before and you told her that the plastic felt weird to sit on and she removed it the next day so that you’re comfortable when you go there. “Hey, you don’t have to speak but I just want to know that you’re ok.” She says and you nod. She gives you a plate of the food and you see that it’s her spaghetti and meatballs dish. Your favourite food of hers and you smile at her. She joins you on the couch, sitting next to you and then hands you the remote so you can decide what to watch, you decide on Shrek 3.

You watch the movie while eating, with Melissa right next to you, you in her hoodie, and you finally feel like you’re calming down. You put your head on her shoulder after you put your empty plate on the coffee table and she wraps her arm around you. You continue the movie, quoting some of the lines, and when it plays the ending scene with puss and donkey singing thank you, Melissa gets an idea. She guides you up and leads you to the empty space beside her couch and starts dancing with you. When the chorus comes on she sings it to you “I wanna thank you for lettin me be myself…again” She sings and you laugh. When she says the line again, she spins you while singing. The second chorus comes up “come on sing it with me.” She tells you.

The both of you sing it while dancing “I WANNA THANK YOU FOR LETTIN ME BE MYSELF…AGAIN.” You both sing at the top of your lungs. When it ends you’re both laughing and she hugs you.

“Thank you for letting me be myself.” You tell her and she looks at you with a warm smile and places a lock of hair behind your ear before cupping your cheek.

“It’s not a problem hun, it doesn’t matter to me that you’re autistic you know. You just think differently, and that's alright.”

You look in her eyes and you lean forward and kiss her. Melissa kisses you back and moves her hand from your cheek to the back of your head and places her left hand on your waist. You pull back and look at her with a smile.

“You kissed me back.” You say to her and she nods. “Why?”

“Because I like you. I have for a few months now.” She tells you.

“For how long?” You ask her and she thinks about it.

“Around the new year.” And you look at her in shock.

“But that’s after I told you I was autistic.” You tell her, putting the pieces together. “You knew I was autistic and you still like me?” You question her.

“How would you being autistic make me not like you?” She asks you, confused.

“Because I’m different than other people and have struggles because of it.” You tell her like it’s obvious.

“So? Everyone is different in their own way and everyone has their own struggles.” She tells you. “For example, I have trouble letting people in, because of trust issues. And I can have a short temper too.” She says and you look at her with so much love in your eyes. You kiss her again and she doesn’t hesitate to kiss you back.

When the person says “you may kiss the bride” , she doesn’t hesitate to give you a kiss then either. With a huge smile, she brings you closer to her and gives you a kiss, as wife and wife.

Taglist: @esposadejoyhuerta

@imaginesmultifandoms

@idonothingalldays-blog

@sexysapphicshopowner

@dvrkhcld

Let me know if you want to be added! 🙂

#melissa schemmenti x reader #melissa schemmenti x oc #melissa schemmenti x you #melissa schemmenti #x reader #fanfic

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selfaware-bungou-stray-dogs · 13 days

Text

Anime Convention (feat. someone real). Part I

Self-Aware! Flags x GN! Reader

Description: In small towns rumours spread like a wildlife. Especially in an age of Internet .

BSD Cast's presence in your life changed, how other people saw you. Not for the best.

Fears and anxiety eats you up. You are terrified of loosing your new friends, but also feel, that one day, you will be alone again.

After you loose your job, in combine attempt of cheering you up, learning more about real world and came in terms with having fans, Fitzgerald bought all of you a tickets to Anime Expo.

BSD Cast are existed and confused. They want to know, what are you afraid of.

You're nervous and excited. You afraid, that any moment you will make a fool of yourself and they will leave.

You simply hope, that everything will be fine.

Part I Description:

You are trying to get through work day, ignoring rude comments, coming from your co-workers.

Flags don't understand, what is happening to you, and why you allow others to harass you. Either way, they won't allow anyone to upset you.

Warnings: OOC. English is my second language. Forced loneliness in a crowd. (Reader want to have friends, but have troubles with making them). Insecurities (Reader are afraid of being laughed at). Low self-esteem (Reader are sure, that people will think, that they are boring and stupid).

Warnings for Part I: Harassment on a workplace. Fights. Being fired from job. Everyone think, that Reader pay BSD Cast for their help with their body.

| Interlude I| >

___________

Albatross's motorcycle dissapeared around the corner when you opened a café's door.

A familiar jingle of the bells greeted you, when you opened the Sunset Café's door.

Time for work.

You greeted your co-workers. As usual, they have ignored you. And send nasty and disgusted glares towards you, when you passed them.

You went straight to "Employee Only" room. As usual, you had to threw away nasty notes your co-workers put in your locker.

You, now in your uniform, stand behind the counter. As usual, you ignored the whispering, that was coming from your co-workers.

Job sweet job...

_______

You knew, that your new roommates would turn, how people saw you.

You always were a quiet student and co-worker.

Like many other students, you were renting a small apartment, were going to the university and had a part-time job. As many other students, you were quiet one. You study and do your job, and spent your free time in your apartment, enjoying your hobbies.

Your parents always told you, how fun university life was for them. About parties, bar hopping and many other social gatherings.

You tried to attend few parties. You did not like them. They were loud, and, after few drinks, people became too against personal space. You did not have any fun. So, not to torture yourself and not to sour the mood, you stopped attending parties.

You still wanted to make friends. You are not social butterfly, but you are not are dead set on being a loner.

You tried to make friends with other students. At first, it worked. You discussed latest news and everyday problems. You dive in your friends’ hobbies, so you can discuss them. However, with time, you have noticed, that they did not try to know you a little more. Each time you wanted to say even a word about last movie you watched or a book your read, you were being shut down, and “friends” already started a new discussion. And, when you tried to say your opinion on something they were discussing, they ignored you.

They did not noticed, that you stopped hanging out with them.

You tried again.

They were better. They didn't ignore you. They let you talk about your hobbies and listen to your opinion.

And then you learned, that they were laughing at you behind your back.

You stopped trying. You didn't want to be ignored again. You didn't want to be laughed at.

Still, you didn't want to be alone...

But, what next group will laugh at you again?

You choose to listen to your anxiety.

And, once again, as back at school, you became

IGNORED

“Quiet-Nerd-What–was-their-name?”

No one expected you to do anything drastic.

Until, one day, BSD Cast appeared in your living room.

And people remembered, that you existed.

-------------------------

It first, it wasn't too bad.

After Albatross got all documents he needs and finally bought a new motorcycle, he volunteered to constantly give you a ride to the university. It takes you time, before you agreed to his proposal. You were fine going by feet, or taking a bus. But, the new house was further from the university, than your previous apartment, so, to safe time, you agreed to Albatross's proposal.

Now you have more time to sleep and still can get to the university earlier, to prepare for lectures.

You weren't worried about questions, that fellow students would ask. For them, you were practically invisible. They won't pay attention to you, right?

Perhaps, it would be the case. But, you failed to get one thing in consideration.

Sunset Café

Relatively popular place among students. Not only because of delicious pastries, hot beverages and low prices. Mostly, because of owners' willingness to employ students and giving them a normal paycheck. Not enough to buy everything you need, but enough to pay rent and buy a present for yourself twice a year. Besides, employees were allowed to drink beverages and take few pastries. So, free dinner/lunch. Saved money!

So, of course, you were one of the many employees in Sunset Café. And, sometimes, you shared shift with your "classmates". If you were lucky, you could even say a few words to them, and they would react to them.

You didn't quit your job after BSD Cast appeared in your life. Mori, Fitzgerald, Poe and even Mitchell with Steinbeck tried to convince you to quit it. They assured you, that you don't need this job anymore. They have more than enough money to pay for everything you need or want. Everyone told you, that they won't hold it against you, if you quit your job and focus on your studies.

Your decision didn't change. You will work. Not only because you will feel bad for not contributing.

Because you need money for that... And you will feel terrible, taking money from BSD Cast to do it...

BSD Cast accepted it. They only asked you to tell them when your shifts are and text, when you will go home.

You were fine with sharing this with them.

A week passed. Albatross gave you a ride to university. Then, after lessons were over, you will go by foot to Sunset Café and after work take a bus to get home. Everything was fine. Even if other students noticed your "driver", they didn't ask questions. They get used to ignoring you.

And then, one day, after university, you saw Albatross on the parking lot.

_____

"Hey, [Y/N]! How university was, Racing Star?" Albatross waved his hand, smiling brightly. You tilted your head and quickly approach him.

you felt other students gazes on you... since when someone, except professors, knew your name? and since when, you have a person, who will have a nickname for you?

You lean towards him, whispering.

"Albatross? What are you doing here?" You quickly released, that you were rude. "I mean, hello. University was good."

stupid stupid he will think that you are a rude idiot

Albatross smiles at you warmly and took (yours) helmet from his motorcycle.

"Great! I am here to pick you up. Since today, I will also give you a ride to your workplace! And from workplace to home!" He held the helmet towards you.

You took it and put it on.

Albatross mirrored your actions and get on motorcycle.

"Hop on, Raising Star!"

You sat behind him, on your own proper seat, with your feet on your own foot pegs.

You put your arms around Albatross torso.

The motorcycle moved.

many people looked after you two. in a few hours all your co-workers knew about Albatross and you

_______

Questions came.

"Who is this handsome man?"

"Is he single?"

"You get a boyfriend?! You?!"

"Why he is giving you a ride?!"

You shrugged their questions of.

"Just a new roommate. We met online, talked about some anime and manga for a bit (rolled eyes and whispers of 'useless nerd'). And about few other things. He wanted to move over from his city to this town and wanted us to be roommates. He volunteered to gave me rides."

(whispers of 'And how you are paying for the rides?' you ignored them)

------

A shove in the side interrupted your thought chain.

"Wake up, cheap strumpet! Or are you thinking about all this 'rides' the blonde one gave you? The one in sunglasses." John's gaze was full of disgust. It was clearly visible, that your co-worker, and student from your class, want to spit in your face really badly. Thankfully, he decided against it.

"We will have clients soon. Reminder, not clients, that you are used to. So get back to normal, respected work."

He growled and left to the kitchen.

You wanted to protest, that it was summer. University was over. Most students left, and the Café wasn't that popular among other town's residents.

no clients means more trouble for you

But you stay silent.

You didn't want to lose your job. You need it.

🏍️🏍️🏍️🏍️🏍️🏍️🏍️🏍️🏍️🏍️🏍️🏍️🏍️

Albatross parked his motorcycle not far from Sunset Café. He returned to the Café on his own foot. There was a restaurant on the opposite side of the street. And, because they didn't serve any deserts and only could offer Earl Grey and espresso, it wasn't a competitor with Sunset Café.

From said restaurant you can clearly view Sunset Café, and see, what was happened inside.

Albatross choose the closest table to the window. He sat down, ordered a sandwich and start observing. His friends will join him soon. For now, he must look after you.

He clenched his teeth, when he saw, how that man shoved you. Albatross gad no idea, what he was telling you, but you looked uncomfortable. And silent. You didn't try to protect yourself.

Albatross doesn't understand. Why you were so silent and don't protect yourself? Why you don't ask them for help?

Albatross doesn't have answers yet. But, he promised, that today he will protect you.

And other Flags will help him.

🏍️🏍️🏍️🏍️🏍️🏍️🏍️🏍️🏍️🏍️🏍️🏍️

The interest in you and Albatross quickly died. Well, in you the interest died. Albatross still was discussed. Handsome man, dressed in leather jacket and rugged pants, who can ride a motorcycle, tend to get people's attention.

Life became normal again, aside from people, who would beg you to give them Albatross's number.

But then, another "new" appeared in your life.

Homemade meals.

"I knew, that you can have cake with coffee, but it is not a meal, [Y/N]. It is a snack or a treat. So, hush, and take your bento." Yosano wasn't listening to your protest, putting a lunch container into your bag.

Lunches became a norm for you.

If people saw you eating your own food, they didn't question it. Perhaps, they assumed, that after getting a roommate, you start having more money, enough for not to worry about constant saving and searching for low prices. Or, maybe, some people thought, that Albatross was also cooking for you.

But one day, you forgot your lunch at home.

___________

You were working on filling coffee machine, when John called for you.

"Um... Person, who are filling coffee machine... [Y/N], right?"

You nodded.

you were used for people forgetting your name

"[Y/N]... there is some kind of freak with IV looking for you!" John sounded confused.

IV? Doc?

You walked past confused John. He still looked confused. You could bet, that it was equally, because of Doc's appearance and, because there was another non-professor, who knew your name.

he and other of your co-workers were listening on yours and Doc's meeting

Doc does look interesting. Mostly because of IV and jagged teeth. But, you can quickly get used to said looks.

Doc flashed a toothy grin at you.

it made your co-workers took a step back

Doc raised a hand, and you saw, that he was holding a wrapped up bento.

Your lunch, that you forgot.

"[Y/N], silly little Kindly Care, you forgot your lunch."

You nodded, taking it from him.

"Hello, Doc. Thank you..."

idiot. your stupidity made him walk all the way here to give you food. apologize. Maybe, he won't hate you and would simply despise

"I am so sorry for all troubles I..." You didn't get to finish. Doc chuckled and pet your shoulder. His gaze was warm. He didn't look angry. Only happy.

"Don't worry this pretty little head of yours. It wasn't trouble at all. Hey, how soon your shift will end? Maybe, I can wait for you, and then Albatross, you and I can hang out?"

you can felt burning gazes of your co-workers on your back

You wanted to say 'yes, let's hang out'. But, your shift was far from over. He could probably go home. He will go home.

you aren't worse waiting for...

"I will be free in three hours, Doc... Maybe, you should..." Doc's grin became even bigger.

"Neat. I will wait for you."

Doc sat on the table in far away corner.

And you go back to your co-workers.

_________

They literally pressed you against the wall, trying to get answers.

"Who is this creep?"

"You have another friend?"

"Another roommate?"

"How big the flat is?"

"Is he the one, who is cooking you food?"

"Are you three dating?"

It was difficult, but you escaped from the encirclement. You ignored half of the questions.

"Yes, another roommate. No, we aren't dating. I won't answer any more questions. My personal life is none of your concern."

maybe, if you say something else... this situation would be solved...

(Kasey, another co-worker, whispered 'what they saw in you? What you give them in return for their help?' you ignored her)

Albatross, Doc and you got ice cream after your shift was done.

_____

You were re-filling coffee machine, when you heard steps coming from behind.

Only your reflexes saved you from having coffee spilled all over you. Kasey's voice was dripping with venom.

"What the matter? Aren't you already dirty?"

She left, stepping on your foot in a process.

You bit your tongue.

Just keep it cool. You need this job.

You need your own money.

🧑‍⚕️🧑‍⚕️🧑‍⚕️🧑‍⚕️🧑‍⚕️🧑‍⚕️🧑‍⚕️🧑‍⚕️🧑‍⚕️🧑‍⚕️🧑‍⚕️🧑‍⚕️🧑‍⚕️🧑‍⚕️

Doc, this time, without his IV, stepped into the restaurant. Albatross waved his hand, without looking away from the Café. Doc sat near his friend.

"Did something bad happened?" asked Doc. Albatross huffed.

"Some guy... John, I think, shoved them. And, yell at them, I guess. [Y/N] looked scared and nervous."

Doc rubbed his temples. He hated all this people, who hurt you.

He saw it. Bruises on your arms.

You assured him, that you were clumsy.

But, doctor and mafioso (especially doctor-mafioso) can see, what bruises came from being clumsy and what was left from being hit.

He didn't blame you for being quiet. In no way it is your fault. But, it was his and others responsibility to protect you.

Because, you are their dear friend.

But, for an hour or two, he still had to wait. He and Albatross need more people to help them.

🧑‍⚕️🧑‍⚕️🧑‍⚕️🧑‍⚕️🧑‍⚕️🧑‍⚕️🧑‍⚕️🧑‍⚕️🧑‍⚕️🧑‍⚕️🧑‍⚕️🧑‍⚕️🧑‍⚕️🧑‍⚕️🧑‍⚕️

People started whispering.

About you, Albatross and Doc.

Some rumors were tossed around.

Still, it wasn't too bad. Albatross, Doc and almost everyone from BSD Cast wasn't too sociable, for now. So, your co-workers and other students can't get more information from them, and you simply refused to talk.

you are too grumpy... you will never have friends... you will always be alone...

But, loneliness can't last forever.

if you are not talking about yourself, of course

BSD Cast wanted to have jobs.

Lippmann was one of the first, who got it.

New actor in a local theater. A new start. New celebrity. Videos with him became viral.

And said start preferred to spend time with a shy, timid student, worker of Sunset Café.

________

Kasey squeaked, when Lippmann, a new celebrity, walked into the Café.

"Y-you..." she looked at him in adoration. Lippmann sent a smile in her direction.

Simple, polite smile.

He read her badge.

"Yes, me. Miss Kasey, can you, please, tell me, where... [Y/N]!" He noticed you, walking with a tray, full of dirty dishes.

Lippmann smiles at you.

Genuine, warm smile. Smile, that was reserved strictly for you.

You tried your best to stay polite and not to lose balance.

"Hello, Lippmann. Good to see you..."

Lippmann immediately was near you, taking away the tray. You didn't even make a sound, when he brought the tray to the kitchen. He returned to you, smiling.

"Well, Star Performer, ready to have lunch together?"

You mentally scolded yourself. Today you had a short day, and would leave the job earlier, than usual. This morning, Lippmann suggested eating lunch together. You were sure, that he was playing a prank on you. But it would be rude to say no. You agreed.

you hopped, that he will show up

you don't deserve them. someone as bad as you should stay from normal people

You nodded. Lippmann grinned.

"Good. I will wait for you to get ready."

"Thanks. I will be ready in a minute." you went to "Employee Only" room to get your bag and change.

_______

Co-workers gathered their courage to talk to Lippmann.

"Do you know them?"

"Do you know two others, that hang out with them?"

"What are they to you?"

Lippmann's answers were empty.

"[Y/N], few other people and I are roommates. I also see [Y/N] as someone close. Please, stop bothering me. I want to pick up my friend and spend the rest of the day with them."

When you returned, Lippmann took your hand and lead you towards the exit, ignoring your co-workers.

They glared at door, that closed behind you two.

If people could do physical damage with their gazes, you would be stabbed multiple times by their gazes.

(Today, all of them took a dive on social media. Trying to find more people, who knew you. They started with Lippmann socials.)

It was the point of no return

__________

You only wanted to have lunch.

You choose an empty table and was ready to dig in into red bean chazuke (thank you, Mori), when someone slammed a hand on the table before you.

Max, baker, were glaring at you. They were older than you, and not a student anymore. But, they were a star student, back there, and still honored the university traditions.

And they were furious at you.

Because of what people thought you were doing.

"You have no idea, how you disgust me. You are a disgrace to the university." they spit. They grabbed your lunch box and threw it down. Food spilled on the ground. You cowered in fear.

Max spit on the floor.

"Clean it up. Or eat it right from the floor. Livestock aren't allowed to eat as normal humans."

You blinked away your tears.

Hold on...

Just hold on...

You need money...

To pay rent...

🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️

Doc and Albatross had to hold down Lippmann (and themselves) from marching down to the Café and do something really nasty to the bastard.

Lippmann breathed in and out.

"Why... Why they are hurting [Y/N]? For what sick entertainment?" mumbles Lippmann, tapping fingers against the table. Albatross and Doc didn't answer. They don't need to.

Lippmann closed his eyes. He hated not doing anything.

But, he needs to wait for a bit more. To get more evidence.

He remembered about some of the messages he received on his socials.

About how good you are in... "under the table" job. How much will it cost. If he is disgusted by you.

He simply thought, that it was trolls or haters, who just saw your photos on his page.

But, what if this people knew you and him in real life?

Lippmann breathed in again.

You were the only good part of the Real World. Other real people were huge bastards. He must protect you.

His precious Star Performer.

🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️

They found photos.

Photos with you and BSD Cast.

With all of them calling you a great friend and roommate.

There were some videos.

About you being happy to get a gift or hanging out with them.

Fellow students and co-workers don't understand.

How a quiet, timid, shy nerd could get so much attention? Especially from new big businessmen and businesswoman?

They drew the only "logical" conclusion.

You were selling your body.

Now you weren't nameless anymore.

No, now you have many names.

Cheap, livestock, thing, toy... To call the least explicit.

And harassment came.

They didn't harass you on The Internet or tried to cross the line.

Thay said, that dirt wasn't worth to get in jail or any legal troubles. But they left notes, were rude, yelled at you, shoved you. Some people send complaints to the university.

They didn't want to be near you.

Professors didn't do anything. You were grown-ups, can deal with your own problems. But they asked all of you to be quiet. So you won't ruin the university's image of a prestigious, place with good students.

you were ruining not only BSD's Cast reputation. you are ruining university's reputation

Café's manager didn't do anything. Deal with it on your own. But he demand, that you deal with it not in front of the clients. And promised to fire you, if you start a scandal.

You tried to fight. You tried to explain. Show some of your messages with Oda, Mori, Nikolai, Fukuzawa and Fitzgerald.

But there was no way for you to prove, that you and BSD Cast were just friends.

"You have a second phone, where the evidence are!"

"I don't know, what is more disgusting. The number of your 'roommares'.or their ages."

"Don't come near. You are a freak without any morals."

was it your fault?did you deserve it? if you had friends in university, maybe you would...

there was no use in crying over spilled milk

you simply must move on

summer is soon

after holidays, they will forget about you

_______

You and Piano Man were feeding ducks in local park. Both of you were silent.

Silence was comfortable.

And then Piano Man spoke.

"[Y/N]... Rare Coin, can I ask you something?" his tone was gentle. You threw more seeds into the lake, before answering.

"Ask away." You smiled shyly. It's been three months since BSD Cast appeared in this world, in your life.

It felt good to have friendly conversations.

it was nice to have friends

Piano Man licked his lips, before speaking.

"[Y/N], are you alright? You looked... sad for the last few days. Did something happen? Can we help you?"

You froze.

they will hate you. you are ruining their reputation. LIE

"Everything is fine! I just worried about my finals!" a fake smile appeared on your face. Piano Man crooked an eyebrow.

"Kunikida said, that you are doing great. Or are you afraid of getting Not "100 points" but "99.99 points"?"

You nervously nodded.

"I always worried about my finals..."

Piano Man still didn't look convinced.

"And how your relationship with other students and co-workers?"

You swallow. You felt, iike a rock fall down your stomach.

"It's fine. They not really interested in me. I am just another student."

Piano Man looked at you for few moments. He clearly wanted to ask more questions, but decided to drop the subject.

"Fine. I will believe you. But, please, if you have troubles, talk to us. We care about you. We will help you."

You mumble something under your breath.

they will hate you for lying. idiot. go back to your books

Piano Man threw remaining seeds to the ducks. He held his hand towards you.

"Let's go and buy some groceries. Goncharov promised to cook stew for dinner."

_________

You had a headache. You just wanted this day to be over. You wanted to go home. To stay far away from the Café and University. From students.

They were glaring at you. They hated you.

Duncan, your manager, was towering over you. He bared his teeth and hissed.

"I promise you, you won't stay here for tool long. I will make sure, that you will be fired. Who knew, what diseases you are carrying around. I don't want to have my life ruined because of your debauchery."

You close your eyes. You are hated, because of stupid rumors.

And you can't ask anyone for help.

you aren't important enough to be a burden

to ask for help

you want to cry

you fight the urge

don't show weakness

you need this job

to pay rent

to keep your old apartment

The Café door was opened.

🎹🎹🎹🎹🎹🎹🎹🎹🎹🎹🎹🎹🎹

Piano Man didn't walk into the restaurant. He simply stopped before restaurant window and waved his hand, showing Albatross, Doc and Lippmann, that it was time.

Piano Man kept looking at the Café. At place, where you were working. At place, where you were harassed.

He clenched his fists.

He remembered, how you were acting during last finals. They still were in their world, but they could tell, that you weren't panicking or having a meltdown...

And about students.

There was one thing, that concern not only Piano Man, but all members of BSD Cast.

How empty your list of messages were.

Chat with parents. Chat for your group of students. Chat for all university students (only reading, where students can't post). Chat for Sunset Café workers.

And you hardly interacted with any if the chats.

It would be a good thing, if your parents write even one in a month.

Students in a chat ignored you, if you try to ask something, making you send the message multiple times.

Workers in a café left you on read for a good chunk of time, answering the last moment.

And even after they appeared in this world, they didn't see you hanging with someone else, exept them.

Were you bullied? No, not a correct term.

Piano Man remembered bruises. Bruises, that, according to you, came from falling down.

You were harrassed.

How dare they hurt you?

"[Y/N], don't worry, dear, we will protect you."

You were shy, kind, clever and adorable. Yet, some bastards thought, that they can hurt you. They were wrong.

And Flags will show them, how wrong they were.

"Ready?" asked his friends.

Three "Ready" were his answers.

Ice Man just walked into the café. Piano Man moved forward. Doc, Albatross and Lippmann followed after him.

🎹🎹🎹🎹🎹🎹🎹🎹🎹🎹🎹🎹🎹

Duncan was too absorbed in scoffing at you. He didn't notice, how Iceman walked into a café.

Your other co-workers, however, saw his. And tried to stay as far away as they can.

Iceman was a good man. Soft-spoken and kind. He often invites you to drink coffee together, while listening to some of his records.

But he does have an overwhelming presence. With a scar running down his right eye and emotionless face, tall /hit/ man didn't look like an embodiment of friendship.

Duncan continues to spit insults at you.

"You are everything, that is wrong with your generation. You have no honor or any idea, how normal human beings should behave in society!"

You turned away and tried not to pay attention. You failed. Duncan's yells were loud.

Shouts of approval were heard from different parts of the café. Iceman may have looked scary, but people can't pass up the chance to rub your face in your 'inappropriate' behavior.

With a corner of your eye you saw, how Iceman picked up one of the vases, that was standing on each table and had flowers put in it. With vase in hand, Iceman continue walking to Duncan and you.

You shake your head, trying to stop Iceman from doing what he wanted to do.

you don't need troubles at work!

Door opened again.

The Rest of the Flags walked inside. You have a bad feeling about this.

Duncan's loud howls were interrupted by a soft ringing sound. The fiery speaker fell and hit his face against the floor.

Behind him was Iceman with the most repentant expression on his face. But a sly smile was ruining the image.

"I'm so clumsy!" Iceman “apologized,” pointing with his hand at the glass shards of the vase and the scattered flowers, that were lying on the floor.

“But, honestly, he is such a disgusting guy. It was time for him to shut up.”

Your co-workers realized, what happened just at the end of the speech, and the last words Iceman spoke crouching. A tray of dirty dishes, which Max threw from the kitchen door, passed over his head. The tray flew over the table and landed on John's head, who tried to escape at the wrong time.

The dishes' life came to an end.

The joyful cry “Get them!” that came from Albatross, announced that the calm day was ruined completely, irrevocably and for everyone at once.

Iceman, with a confident, clearly practiced movement, grabbed surprised you, and threw you behind the counter.

In the café, meanwhile, Piano Man was steadily dipping Max into a bucket of dirty water, Doc was methodically beating John with a rolling pin. Iceman jumped over the tables, running from Steve, the only guard who was already out of breath. Lippmann, who had stolen a frying pan from the kitchen in the midst of a fight, was reprimanding something to the conscious Duncan, reinforcing his words with blows from the frying pan. Albatross throw Kasey onto the counter, and, grabbing her by the collar, began dragging her back and forth.

You didn't know what to do. You were never in a fight before, and, if you stand up, you could become an easy target, putting Flags in disadvantage.

Albatross dragged Kasey away from the counter, so he can deal with another waiter at the same time, and you take a better look at what was going on.

Right that moment, Iceman and Steve ran past the counter, and Steve was close to catching Iceman.

You can't let him hurt your friend!

You grabbed a bottle of vanilla syrup and hit Steve with it.

The guard was now cowered in sticky substance.

And owner finally decided to check on what was going on.

_________

You were standing outside Sunset Café, holding your bag.

Flags brought enough money to pay for all the damage they caused. Owner agreed not to press charges.

But you were fired. You were the reason for a fight. Flags didn't hide, that they saw you being harassed by your former co-workers, and they simply can't let them continue that.

Flags said, that they have proofs. And thanks for that, Max, Duncan, Kasey, John, Steve and others won't press charges.

it is your fault your fault you almost get Flags in trouble

You didn't know what to feel.

You won't be harassed anymore.

But you lose a job. And other places in this town aren't interested in hiring students.

And you need the job

You need money

To keep your old apartment

So you will have...

"[Y/N]? Are you okay? " Iceman's soft voice sounded right above your ear. You looked up at him at the rest of the Flags, who were standing behind him. All of them looked guilty. Iceman spoke again.

"[Y/N], we are sorry, that you have lost your job. But, please, understand, that we couldn't just let some idiots harassed you. We wanted to protect you."

Flags nodded in agreement.

You open your mouth and said the truth.

"Thank you. I really appreciate it. And don't worry about my job. I will find another one"

you wanted this. friends, that will protect you. someone, you can protect

Albatross jumped closer to you and put his arm around your shoulders.

"That's the spirit! So, want to grab a bite, before going home?"

Without waiting for your answer, he led you away from Sunset Café. Flags followed after you two.

🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊

Iceman walked behind you. And he was observing. He was glad, that you were safe now. But your attitude... What was going on? Why you let others walked over you?

Right now, you looked happy. But, what if one day... Because of other students...

Iceman whispered.

"We need to discuss it with others. Something is still wrong with Snowflake."

Piano Man, the only one, who heard him, nodded in agreement.

Iceman continue observing you. Albatross was recalling the best moments of the fight, and how cool you were, hitting the guard with a bottle.

You looked embarrassed, but you also participate in conversation.

For now, everything was good.

🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊🧊

You were half-way to the diner, Flags have chosen to grab a bite.

Your last paycheck felt heavy in your pocket.

Last money you earned.

You will spend them on a rent.

On your old apartment, that BSD Cast thought you left permanently.

Because you need this apartment.

Because, after BSD Cast will see, how boring and stupid you are, they will leave. And you will need a place to return to.

But for now, you will simply enjoy your lunch with Flags.

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ephemerasnape · 8 months

Text

➔ A Bone To Pick - Victor Rookwood discovers who's behind all the smutty audios about him - and he's pissed. (Also can be considered a sort of disclaimer for my audios in general.)

➔ Bait & Switch - Ominis and Sebastian discuss a serious problem they're having in this Public Service Announcement to the fandom.

I've created quite a bit of Hogwarts Legacy material (most of which is adult-oriented). The following stories and audios are predominantly 18+, explicit, and x female!reader or listener where you are MC (with a few exceptions). Although much of my stuff is x reader I do not use Y/N or MC by default as I personally find both distracting.

Listing of all audios with links to ao3

All my Daddy Rookwood AUDIOS!

Chatbots!

My ao3

Socials / RookwoodGroup.org

Discord: Unrestricted Section

My Commissions

Rules & Disclaimers! There are no fucking rules, are you kidding me? This is fanfiction, it's a no man's land of degeneracy. Exercise a modicum of independent thought and live a little.

Victor Rookwood Headcanons!

List of all Victor Rookwood Audios!

Fanfiction (there are a few more on ao3 that are not my favorite)

🌟 = recommended!

🌟 A Quick Word - (Rookwood x You - 5,000 words.) Explicit - What could transpire if you would only allow Rookwood to have a word with you at the Three Broomsticks as he requested.

A Wicked, Wicked Man - (Rookwood x You - 3,300 words.) Explicit, Rape, Violence - “Perhaps you long to be treated like the disobedient little whore you are.”

🌟 Rough Night - (Ashwinders x You, Rookwood & You - 6,600 words.) Explicit, Gang Rape, Violence - You lose the battle with Rookwood and his cronies that takes place during Wand Mastery. Includes a version with a female reader, and one with a male reader.

🌟Under the Hog's Head - (Rookwood x You - 2,800 words.) Explicit, Rape - "I don't think you're in any position to bargain, little one."

How Dunstan Trinity Lost His Eye (Dunstan Trinity & Victor Rookwood - 1,100 words.) Gen, Violence, Gore

🌟 Devoutly to be Wished (Anne Sallow x Victor Rookwood) - Explicit - Anne Sallow is dying. When she receives word from Sebastian regarding the likely progenitor of the curse that's killing her, she feels she must uncover the truth.

Micro Smut: Upstairs at the Three Broomsticks (Rookwood x You) Explicit

Micro Fic with Fanart: Ephemera Snape's Revenge (Rookwood x Me)

Audios:

↱ Daddy Rookwood audios now live here! There were just too many!

Fanfiction (more on ao3)

🌟 A Change of Heart - (Poacher x You - 2,500 words.) Explicit - You encounter a Poacher camped in a remote area all by his lonesome. Easy kill, right? Wrong.

🌟 Last Man Standing - (Poacher Executioner x You - 2,000 words.) Explicit, Rape, Violence - “You're lucky you're not a wizard... I would have snapped your neck already if you were."

How Dunstan Trinity Lost His Eye (Dunstan Trinity & Victor Rookwood - 1,100 words.) Gen, Violence, Gore

Encounter on Phoenix Mountain - (Poacher Stalker x You - 1,300 words.) Explicit - A solitary Poacher Stalker corners you in Phoenix Mountain Cave. What's a girl to do?

Under the Hog's Head - (Ashwinders & Rookwood x You - 2,800 words.) Explicit, Gang Rape - "I don't think you're in any position to bargain, little one."

🌟 Paying the Piper (Ashwinder Scout x OFC - WIP) Explicit - The newest shopkeeper in Hogsmeade is met with an unpleasant surprise when a handsome young Ashwinder shows up at her door demanding payment. COMIC!

Masked Man (Ashwinder Scout x OFC - 1,100) Explicit, Quickie, CNC - "This is what happens to pretty little shopkeepers who don't pay their due."

The Poacher's Prize (Poppy Sweeting x Poachers - 1,800 words) Explicit, Rape, Violence - Poppy pays the price for her betrayals!

Audios:

The Pledge (Rookwood & Selwyn x You - 4:50min) - Explicit, Gang Rape - Silvanus Selwyn catches you, but Rookwood gets first dibs...

Comeuppance (Ashwinders x You, Rookwood & You - 5:55min) - Explicit, Gang Rape, Lesbian, Violence - You are subjugated by Ashwinders and Poachers..

Rookwood's Revenge 2 - The Ashwinders (Ashwinders x You, Rookwood & You - 4:55min) - Explicit, Gang Rape, Violence - The Ashwinders take their revenge on you under Rookwood's watchful eye.

Executioner Monologue (2:43min) - Biographical monologue by Poacher Executioner - SFW

🌟At the Mercy of Macnair (Poacher Stalker x You, 4:12min) - Explicit, Rape - You've been caught in a bandit camp. You're bound, gagged, and helpless, but where's the fun in just leaving you be?

Battle Royal at Horntail Hall (Poppy Sweeting x Poacher Stalker, 2.23min) - SFW - You and Poppy get caught sneaking into Horntail Hall and are immediately recognized.

All in a Day's Work (Rookwood x Ashwinder!You - 2min) - Explicit, Dubcon - "The boss wants to see you."

Paying the Piper Excerpt (Ashwinder Scout x OFC - 1:19min) SFW

Fanfiction:

The Dark Sacrifice - (Ominis & Sebastian x You - 1,800 words.) Explicit, Noncon - Sebastian asks you to meet him and Ominis at the catacomb to make a dark sacrifice. Little do you know it's going to be you.

Another Secret for the Undercroft - (Ominis & Sebastian x You - 5,200 words.) Explicit - "I know I’m not as good as Sebastian,” Ominis hisses, “I’m better.”

Talk to Me - (Ominis x Reader - 1,685 words) Explicit - After visiting the Scriptorium, you can't stop thinking about Ominis speaking parseltongue. Smut ensues.

Audios:

Today's the Day (Ominis & Sebastian x You/MC - 2:18min) - Explicit, Gang Rape, Violence - Sebastian and Ominis make you pay the price after learning of your alliance with Victor Rookwood..

Bait and Switch (Ominis & Sebastian & ? - 2:15min) SFW - The boys discuss a serious problem they're having. Fortunately, Victor Rookwood has a solution.

Talk to Me (Ominis x You/MC - 2:44min) - Explicit - After leaving the Scriptorium, you pull Ominis aside, having been entranced by his use of parseltongue. (God, I hate this audio so much!)

A Moment Alone (Sebastian x ? - 1:10min) - Explicit - Sebastian thinks he's alone in the Undercroft..

Sebastian's Pleasure (Sebastian x You - 0:40min) - Explicit - Just Sebastian finishing inside of you...

Pigtails' Revenge (Piers Pemberton x You - 2:09min) - Explicit, GN!Listener, Violence, Dubcon - Piers Pemberton punishes you for stealing his Demiguise statues.

Goblin Supremacy (Ranrok & Rookwood x You - 4:59min) - Explicit, Rape - "Prepare to be conquered for goblinkind, little witch."

A Moment Alone (Sebastian Sallow x Peeves - 1:10min) - Explicit - Sebastian thinks he's alone in the Undercroft..

Listing of all audios with links to ao3

All my Daddy Rookwood AUDIOS!

Chatbots!

My ao3

Socials / RookwoodGroup.org

Discord: Unrestricted Section

My Commissions

215 notes · View notes

grison-in-space · 2 months

Text

Reading Men Who Hate Women (Laura Bates, 2020) at the moment. She's talking about the manosphere: the massive online communities of men who congregate to talk misogyny, ranging from PUAs to MRAs, incels and MGTOW. These aren't new topics to me—I've been following this off and on since watching Gamergate kick off—but Bates handles them well and I think this book could serve as an introduction if this is a movement with which you're not familar. By the way, it's been a decade since Gamergate this year. Isn't that a kicker?

(Incidentally, I first ran into the concept of incels way before I think many people did: when I was still on AVEN, c. 2006-2007ish, I remember a few occasions where users ran into incel communities and brought them to our forums to ask: is this like what we're doing? Is this like us? Consensus quickly solidified on the direction of "no," each time, not least because asexuality dialog at the time was extremely clear about divorcing desire from action, and it was very clear that the desires centered in that community were very different than the ones people in asexuality spaces were untangling.)

Bates handles the topic with grace, compassion, and a deep understanding that I really wish more writing on radicalization or terroristic networks used: people in real pain, who are struggling in pitiable circumstances to do their best and clearly need more support, can also in their pain be truly dangerous to others. Hurt people hurt people. Compassion for pain suffered is important—you can't understand recruitment without understanding that—but you also have to understand that pain, fermented in darkness, can create deadly poisons. Pain isn't essentially holy or cleansing or cauterizing. It doesn't accomplish anything good by existing. If we can relieve it, we should—but we should follow harm reduction principles as we do so, lest pain be allowed to multiply and fester.

What gets me is that in 2017, in the wake of the Google bro "manifesto," I spent a feverish week writing what wound up being a 20,000 word rebuttal studded with what eventually totaled 100+ peer reviewed citations. It got quite a bit of reach and covered ground ranging from effects of testosterone on behavior, the concept of effect size in sex differences, basic statistics, the ways that humans treat people differently based on their perception of gender, intersex trauma, and whether feminists care about men's problems (yeah, actually, and they should).

I released that piece, changed up my name and fannish presence—my long time pseud was tangled all over the piece's genesis—and hunkered down for the reprisals. I expected harassment and vitriol. It never really came: I ignored the comments on the post, after a bit, and I held boundaries on what I was willing to pay attention to. But by and large, I had no direct consequences from the Manosphere.

Perhaps the piece was too long (although I got many comments from people who read it and found it useful, and I included an index). Perhaps it was simply that I included a headshot of myself, with uncharacteristic red lipstick and characteristically buzzed hair, and cheerfully discussed throughout that I was butch and queer: sometimes I confuse people who are very focused on bioessentialist sex differences, because I don't fit their paradigms in the slightest.

About six months later, James Damore attempted to frame his incredibly poor decisions in light of his Asperger's, and I did get a couple dudes on social media presenting me with this information apparently in the hope that it would shock or embarrass me. I immediately pointed out, acerbically, that I'm equally autistic and that he was making us look bad, and they melted away again into the background. It wasn't really the well of terrifying anger and obliterative fury I was expecting.

I find myself reading these stories in Bates' book and thinking about the internet I grew up on: AVEN by 2005, WrongPlanet the same year, listening to people on the margins talk about their fears and hopes and dreams and theories about themselves. I find myself thinking about narratives and meaning, the stories we tell ourselves about who we are and why.

I'm certainly not the first person to worry about radicalization of young autistic people, especially autistic men. Not even close. Paradoxically, it's a group of people for whom an understanding of intersectionality is crucial: young disabled men often alienated deliberately from conceptualizing themselves as disabled, without the tools to understand why life is hard and painful and never seems to reflect their experiences, trying to construct understanding beyond one's singular, isolated defective wrongness—which is what's left, if you take community off the table.

(Have I mentioned how grateful I am that so many autistics are trans spectrum? Imagine if we weren't, and if I didn't have so many transfeminine sisters funneled along those same currents and drifting closely enough alongside to understand. My sisters, so many of whom are out there living and modeling better ways to understand and participate in gender as a social activity: by figuring out what is most comfortable for you, understanding that comfort for one might be agony for another, and taking steps to shape your own life into a fashion that wells forth the most peace and joy. It's a message we all need to hear, but that is a group of people I hear singing so loudly from my place in a different wing of the choir, and I love them for it.)

I don't have answers. As is, so often, the case these days, I have only grief and love, and the determination to build better structures where my own hands reach. I had intended to direct my career, once, to undermining the entire concept of "good genes" models of evolution and explaining how their convoluted connections to natural phenomena are better explained by other, more direct motives. Since 2020, I've been moving in a new direction—but what precisely it is, I'm not sure.

Sex differences is certainly a piece of it, though. Even if I find myself often enough writing that it's not enough to know a sex difference in one species to assume that another will reflect a similar relationship: we should study sex differences in animals, but we really shouldn't assume that humans will have the same ones or work the same way. I suspect this won't be the first time I tangle with that community. I suppose it depends how much authority I can accrue as protection first.

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red-pill-to-swallow · 7 months

Text

How to be attractive to men and my goals

Hey babes,

like I said – I want to incorporate RPT (Red Pill Theories) into my daily life immediately.

A few things that every women within the community seemed to be content with were:

1. You are never finished with glowing or leveling up. Never stop learning. Never stop trying to better yourself.

2. Pretty privilege is real.

I agree that pretty privilege is very real. I mean, I get affected by pretty people like everybody else, even if I don’t do it on purpose. It’s just something that is ingrained in our brains and I need to learn how to take this to my advantage.

I think I have a decent starting base, because I’m a skinny white woman in her twenties with long blonde hair. I am not really tall – even short men are at least 5-7cms taller than me – but I’m also not extremely short.

I have a petite frame but my body-shape is something between an hourglass and a peach. My face is average – I don’t really have striking features or am a natural beauty model – but my features also aren’t hideous. It’s really just something you can look at without thinking too much.

On a scale, I would rate myself a 5,5-6/10 on an average day and I guess that’s great!

But how can I make myself look better on a daily basis? I really took hours to research how I could make myself more attractive to wealthy and high value men.

Obviously, no man is like the other and every man prefers something different. One man might like tattoos and piercings while another man with the same social status thinks they are hideous. I don’t want to completely change who I am and I don’t want to spend thousands of dollars for it.

However, I really like this whole clean girl and old money aesthetic that is going viral on Tiktok right now – and I think those two aesthetics could fit me and my personality really well.

Most wealthy men seem to like this traits in women:

1. great skin without obvious pimples or enlarged pores

2. long and healthy hair in a natural color

3. straight white teeth

4. clean nails on both hands and feet

5. hairless legs, armpits and at least trimmed pubic hair

6. wearing clean and wrinkle free clothes without any holes

7. wearing a nice smell that is fitting to your overall appearance

I think those are the basics and they can be achieved by almost anyone. If you can’t afford braces make sure that your teeth are always perfectly brushed and that you’re keeping up with your dental hygiene in general.

In fact – if you have problems affording certain beauty procedures, research how to get as close as possible to them with DIYs.

For years, I always wanted to be the mysterious woman in the room. The woman with a dark aura, the woman that doesn’t speak much and remains most of her life a secret.

Well, I am not this woman even if I’m trying very hard. It would be an act that I would put on and I am sure that everyone in the room would notice.

I am naturally very bubbly and I love having conversations with people in general. I would also say that I have a broad knowledge on different topics and that I’m able to talk to almost everyone.

I am also very welcoming and I enjoy making people laugh and have fun in my presence. I tend to have strong opinions and I’m not afraid to take on a discussion.

With everything that I know about myself now, I made some points that I need to tackle in order to level up:

1. stop oversharing. Being bubbly is great but not everyone needs to know everything about my business. Sometimes it’s just better to be silent and to listen.

2. start with exercise again. I am happy with my weight but I am extremely weak and I have almost zero muscle mass. My breath is getting heavy if I have to take the stairs and my legs start to hurt after roughly 15 minutes of walking. I plan on going for a walk every day and doing pilates 3x a week.

3. start doing my hair and makeup again. My hair is long and blonde – so it is an eyecatcher. It’s also very healthy but I usually just throw it up in a bun or in a clawclip, so no one is really seeing it. I have multiple styling tools at home and I need to start using them. The same applies to makeup. I have so much great stuff that looks really beautiful and natural but I am just too lazy to use it. I plan on taking 20 minutes every day to do my makeup and to suck it up – because I usually always do a double cleanse at night, so it’s not really a struggle to take it off in the evening. It’s just inconvenient in the morning.

4. taking better care of my skin and of my dental health. I have high quality skincare and I love doing my skincare but sometimes I’m just too lazy. Let me just say that it doesn’t happen often – but still too much for my liking. Also my dental health – I need to make a dentist appointment asap. I think the last time I went was around 3 years ago!

5. buying better fitting clothes. I don’t like shopping for clothes but it is what it is. Right now I only have cute lounge sets for being at home but when I go out I usually only wear jeans with a basic top and sneakers. I want to look more polished and feminine. I want to stop wearing jeans and focus more on pants, skirts and dresses. Also literally any other shoes than sneakers.

6. go out more. I’m your typical homebody. Movie night? Reading a book? Ordering food? Count me in! I always have fun when I go out but I’m still mostly at home and I want to change that. I want to have a group of like minded friends that want to hang out with me. Maybe even at home. Lol.

I really thought hard about those six points but I think those are the first things that I need to tackle down.

In the end – I was asking myself: what could I do to feel the most comfortable with spontaneous outgoings and meeting new people?

It came down to wanting to look my best. Obviously. I want to make a good first impression and maybe even profit off of pretty privilege.

I’m sure we all know those times when we’re dressed like slobs and suddenly an opportunity to go out arises and we decline because it would take hours to get ready.

That’s the reason why I want to get ready in the morning – so I would only need to touch up if anything came up.

see you soon!

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writershapeholeonthedoor · 8 months

Text

Why Twilight is better when we make it gay

a overly detailed, totally unecessary, post that wants to prove that Twilight is better when we make it 🏳️‍🌈 GAY 🏳️‍🌈

So, follow along 👇🏻

Esme with This Bella

Kinda of set up the vibes of Carine or something, so I'm all on board with this. You know, this Bella has some serious aspirations in life. She's getting her master's degree, maybe a doctorate even, in Philosophy, Greek Mythology, ancient history, literatute or something oddly specific that takes a full minute to even say it. You know, she's a nerd. Esme loves her for it.

Bella also loves to spend a ridiculous amount of time listening to Esme talk about anything, she also sits in the garden with a book when Esme is arms deep in the dirt, and they for sure spend their days off making food for homeless people or volunteering in shelters or knitting clothes and blankets for donation. Well, Esme does most of the knitting, but Bella has no problem holding the wool for her.

Rosalie with This Bella

Okay, so this Bella is still pretty shy and clumsy, but she has a backbone and knows what she wants. She’s also a flirt, even if a bit awkward because of her shyness. She also has a stack of dad jokes ready to be used and she’s not afraid of doing so. You can’t blame her, she’s just socially weird and she makes jokes when she’s uncomfortable. Which Rosalie gets. She doesn’t hate Bella for no reason at all, as we see in most Rosella’s fics, she’s just determined to keep a safe distance. It all goes to shit, obviously, when Bella starts showing up at her house to work on a school project with Edward.

Bella is a mess around Rosalie. A gay mess. She stumbles over her words and her face is constantly red, but she keeps smiling and she finds Rosalie’s sneers particularly funny. She breaks Rosalie’s walls by not doing anything else, really. She’s just there, and she talks with Rosalie, and she has no problem backing away when Rosalie needs a break.

When they get together, Bella’s favorite activity is to ride in Rosalie’s fancy cars. She’s still scared, but she loves it when Rosalie goes so fast that everything outside is a blur. Sometimes they will ride in complete silence, sometimes there’s song playing, sometimes they start telling stories to each other, sometimes Bella has a whole new stack of dad jokes to tell.

Bella also develops a taste for motorcycles, a passion she’s eager to engage with Jasper. So, every once in a while, Rosalie will be working in the garage under a car and she will hear Bella’s bike pulling outside. She just knows she’s supposed to go there, so she goes and finds Bella waiting for her with a helmet and a bright smile. Rosalie is smitten.

Bella also has a way to make Rosalie feel like she’s the most beautiful woman in the world. She is aware of her beauty, always has and always will be, but she can’t help but feel special when Bella looks at her with those green eyes that kind of makes her forget that the world is fucked up. At least for a while.

They would go off to college together. Rosalie would be getting another engineering degree and Bella would get a bachelor's in Chemistry or Biology, maybe Psychology. She would whine and complain every day, though Rosalie is sure she’s only doing that to piss her off.

And Bella would have to learn to enjoy baseball because Rosalie just loves it.

Alice with This Bella

These two are the only ones I see working with Bella’s personality being the closest to canon. You know, happy little Alice with a slightly depressed Bella, who also has some low self-esteem problems. Bella is aware of her intelligence, though, and she also would impose some clear boundaries, like not sneaking into her room while she was sleeping and making her a part of discussions to make decisions and not just dropping shit at her for her to deal with. Alice has zero problems with her immortality, so she would have no problem turning Bella when the girl felt ready, although she asks Bella to be sure she had experienced everything she wanted as a human beforehand.

In this scenario, Alice doesn’t force Bella to be her personal human Barbie doll. Actually, she steals Bella’s hoodies very often, to the point where the girl has to have a search party in Alice’s gigantic closet one day. One of their favorite thing to do together would be to watch the stars and Alice finds it amusing to come up with fake information about space or fake names for constellations. It took Bella a very long time to notice this and, by the time she did, she had already spread some of it to her friends. They also go to the movies a lot and there’s a lot of dancing in the rain, even if Bella can’t barely keep herself standing.

Alice would be Charlie’s absolute favorite, of course. They would be pals, you know. Charlie would take her fishing one day - when Alice manages to convince him to go somewhere other than La Push - and he would teach her very patiently all he knew.

Tanya with This Bella

This Bella is grumpy. She has a lot of self-derogatory jokes to make, she’s sarcastic and she likes using it as a weapon. Tanya finds it not so amusing, quite concerning actually, but then Bella will flash her with one of her side smiles that makes her knees go ridiculously weak and Tanya will forget what she should be worried about.

Bella moves slowly, very slowly, and her shoulders are a bit drooped as if she can’t hold herself straight. For Tanya, it takes a lot of patience because, even with how much time she had to adjust to humans, she’s not used to spending so much time around one. Especially one that takes so long to get down the stairs for no reason. Tanya is also the most romantic person alive, so Bella needs to be prepared to basically everything.

Tanya is sugar mommy. Bella tries to fight it, but there’s no point. Tanya is always giving her presents, booking tickets, taking her to weekend getaways, and making every single desire come to life. It takes Bella out of balance in the beginning. She doesn’t know how to deal with it, to the point where she asks Irina to help her talk with Tanya to slow down a bit. It helps… until Bella shows a slight interest in something new and things skyrocket again.

They met in college. Tanya is a teacher - not her teacher because that would be too much - and Bella is getting her degree in History or Sociology. Bella can skate, so it’s not uncommon for Tanya’s students to leave her classroom and find Bella leaning against the wall holding her skate under her arm while waiting for her to go get lunch.

Once she turns, Bella goes around feeling very proud of her coven leader wife, but she wants nothing to do with it. She would hate the responsibility of it.

Kate with This Bella

Have you ever heard of a chaotic duo? They’re it.

Bella is all about adventures and trying new things, and Kate is… well, she has zero respect for humans’ mortality, which almost becomes a problem once or twice. Tanya, Carmen and Eleazar had to remind her more than once that humans couldn’t jump from a plane with no parachute, even if Kate was supposed to grab her before hitting the ground. It’s not like she doesn’t care if Bella gets hurt, because she does! Her eyes fill with tears that will never drop every time she sees even a scratch on Bella’s skin - which happens quite a lot - but she hasn’t been human for a long time and it’s easy to forget a few things when she gets excited about something.

They would do everything together and Kate would teach her to do anything she knew, like surf or change a house’s electric system. Eventually, after Bella is turned and good to go, they would totally have one of those handyman services where they would go around town helping people with the most mundane of things like installing a shower, changing the plumbing, changing tires, all of that. They would have fun doing those things and then running as fast as they could to jump off a cliff at the end of the day.

#Twilight #gay twilight #bella swan #esme cullen #rosalie hale #alice cullen #tanya denali #kate denali #bella x rosalie #bella x alice #bella x esme #bella x tanya #bella x kate #kristen stewart

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celaenaeiln · 5 months

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it’s a me a 12 am anon . my girlfriend and i had a discussion abt how odd it is that the fandom views and stereotypes the batfam like

dick is romanian and has more fem related traits and somehow it translates into him being a dumb womanizer or just an annoying mother hen?

jason grew up in the streets, i think its popular to hc him as hispanic? idk but jts odd how ppl do that and also think hes an angry heartless brute

cass gets that “badass asian dragon lady” archetype (tbh im not sure what it is but my gf is passionate abt it so like im confident she’s right)

tim?? somehow ive seen wasian hcs for him but the boy is autistic right? somehow a stereotype i see for him is like “weird and socially awkward but super smart” which . i dont think thats right .

steph is adhd right? i think? also falls into the dumb “waffles r my only personality trait” stereotype and uts just a tiny bit odd dyou see it?

damian (and by extension talia) gets done dirty a lot i think i dont .yeah

nyways sorry its been a while <3 would llve to hear ur thoughts n opinions

hey again!!

Batfam fanon is...not great. And it's things like this that remind me why I kinda avoided this fandom until I couldn't.

Dick

Dick is Romani and is canonically more feminized but the dumb womanizer thing is really getting on my nerves. First of all, he's one of the smartest characters, ever. The comforting thing about Dick is that he never loses.

The reason I love reading Dick Grayson runs is because I can read about his thought process, the way he analyzes, how he single-handedly solves crime like it's nothing.

Batman (1940) Issue #703

Secondly he's not a womanizer. He literally has a mental break down at the thought of dating or even kissing someone he isn't in love with. He's never, ever, ever going to sleep with someone he doesn't have atleast some level of romantic attraction to because he feels it's inherently wrong and canonically frowns upon that behavior when others do it.

The mother hen thing - I gotta admit is kinda accurate. He really loves his family and friends and takes care of them really well. He always makes time to sit and listen to all of them with all their problems and helps them solve it so that's fine.

Jason

The hispanic thing - what the actual heck. Literally why? Jason's "hispanic" fanon background along with Tim's "asian" background comes from a wider problem where society has become disillusioned by the same ethnicity for all characters and wants for diversity and representation in the media. I actually do believe in greater representation but not here. When people make Jason hispanic due to his street backstory, they're attempting to diversify canonically white characters but accidentally reinforcing and perpetrating damaging stereotypes about particular ethnicities. Because his background has drugs, poverty, and crime - you want Jason to be Latino? Can you possibly make things worse? And Jason being an angry heartless brute. Not even adding to the stereotype, Jason was not like that. Jason originally started off as troubled but excited kid. He was happy about fighting criminals and having a home and getting food. As he grew older, the more criminals he fought, he came to a realization that people weren't going to change which is when he started getting more violent and angry with them. He didn't do it because he was some sort of psychopath, it's because he cared a lot about the effects these criminals were having on innocent people. Because he can relate. His anger has nothing to do with his supposed "hispanic" background which is still - ?!?!? Why is this even a thing.

Cass

I don't really have anything to say about Cass being that archetype because tbh I kinda think of her like that too. She's exceptionally good at fighting, she's chinese, and she's the strong and silent type. I'd love to hear more about what your gf thinks about it though.

Tim

Again about Tim being Asian. No where near as damaging as Jason being classified Hispanic but also why? He's asian because he's smart? Because he's good at computers? C'mon the stereotype is boring. Isn't it exciting when you watch a movie or show and the Indian guy isn't an IT specialist? Or when the Chinese girl has neon highlights and loves partying? Or when the Japanese girl is rocking combat boots? The best way to appreciate diversity is actually letting ethnic characters have diverse personalities and talents. On a side note, there is not nearly enough celebration of already canonically diverse characters like Roy's navajo heritage or Jessica Cruz's latina one. Isn't it ironic how we're making racialized characters based on stereotypes because we believe there should be more diversity but ignoring canonically ethnic ones. Literally noone talks about Cass connecting to her Chinese side or the fact that she has dyslexia but we're readily jumping on the Asian Tim Drake train.

Autistic Tim Drake I can see where they're coming from because Tim sometimes has a hard time connecting to people. Like he sometimes misses social cues. And to be fair this theory actually has more credibility than some other ones because I don't know if I'd pass that off as awkwardness. But it also may be due to lack of human interaction. Tim's parents left him alone for long periods of time which he gleefully used to track robin and batman at night. I don't have a problem with this one because Tim may actually be inadvertently written as autistic at times so I guess it wouldn't be that far off canon.

Steph

People with ADHD are typically impulsive, don't focus on one thing for too long, and have a lot of energy which is very much like Steph.

Batgirl (2009) Issue #10

But mostly she just has a sense of humor. Which - like the case with Dick - because of course people can't be multifaceted, fandom generally takes for stupidity.

She's not dumb, she's just fun. I guess the waffle thing is because of human beings' pathological need to classify everything into categories and fanon likes to run with dumb blonde for Stephanie which really ticks me off. People can not be a gloomy avenger and still be smart. She solves her crimes and has a laugh while doing it and still pulling off the -

Batgirl (2009) Issue #12

Damian

Where do I start. What is even happening to him? Not in fandom necessarily but canon. What is DC doing???

#rant post #dick grayson #nightwing #jason todd #red hood #tim drake #red robin #cassandra cain #black bat #stephanie brown #batgirl #damian wayne #fanon vs canon #cl 12 am anon asks #thanks for the ask!

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ugh-yoongi · 8 months

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HOBI REQUESTS YAY! okay so at first i was thinking it might be hobi's birthday and he stays late at the studio regardless of the day and comes home to reader all tired and drained, but then reader has such a sweet surprise for him when he gets there (whether it be a cake, flowers, balloons, etc.) and it just seems like he can breathe again without the weight of his work on his chest, even if it's just for that night, he can fall asleep with no problem.

OR, considering it's in the name of jess' birthday, it could be reversed? reader's birthday and hobi has the sweet surprise instead? i don't have an idea of what specifically would be demanding so much of reader's attention, but coming home to hobi with his pretty smile on such a day seems like something so beautiful.

that's all i could muster up as of now, 🙃 if you chose to, feel free to play around with it until it's something you are comfortable with! <3

thank you so much for the request! i went with the first one and i hope you enjoy it! <3

(side note: i banged this out in one sitting so i'm tentatively optimistic that my writer's block is cured. we'll see. thank you all for your patience and not showing up in my ask box with pitchforks.)

ataraxia

pairing: hoseok x reader genre: est. relationship au; fluff, a tiny bit of angst warnings: hobi's kind of going through it so there are allusions to poor mental health, otherwise this is mostly fluff. just being there for your person when they're having a tough time. no gendered pronouns used. unedited. rating: e for everyone wordcount: 1k listen to: novo amor - anchor

Hoseok had heard once that babies born in the winter are stronger.

Something about mothers being able to absorb more vitamin D during the summer months.

As he collapses onto the floor of his studio, sweat and exhaustion blurring his vision, he thinks those people are full of shit. What has being born in winter gotten him besides muscle cramps and seasonal depression? Because he’s also at a higher risk for that, which those people lauding his athleticism tend to leave off of the discussion.

He sighs. He’s twenty-nine now, and there’s something truly haunting about the inevitability of time. Can’t slow it down, can’t make it go faster; he just has to sit here and take it. Next year he’ll be thirty, thirty-one the year after that, and on and on it’ll go for the rest of his life.

All he has are these little joys: the squeak of his new sneakers on the studio floor, the kids in his class finally nailing their routine, those peach iced teas he likes being buy one get one free this week at the convenience store next door. He has you, too, but you were smart and traded in your two-cent dreams for the corporate world and now you’re spending his birthday on a business trip to Singapore.

Yoongi would call him an asshole for that, probably. He has friends. Friends who want to see him, buy him a drink and give him gifts, and he appreciates the effort, he does, he’s just… tired. Fatigue has seeped into all of his bones and left him nothing more than a husk of a person. It’s been months of this same unending grind, and he’s running out of self to give.

At least Singapore is warm this time of year. In Seoul, beyond the frosted windows of his studio, there’s nothing but gray-brown slush and a patch of black ice he can’t melt no matter how much he salts it.

“Fuck this,” he mutters.

It’s nearing nine o’clock. He needs to get home; needs to eat something and drag himself into a hot shower before he crawls into bed and spends the entire weekend there. Needs to reply to all the texts on his phone wishing him a happy birthday. Needs to tactfully and politely turn down all the invitations. Needs to post some bubbly, colorful message on social media thanking everyone for the well-wishes and attach a photo from a few weeks ago because he hasn’t been smiling much lately.

First, though, he needs to get off the floor.

He usually likes his walk home. Likes pressing his face to the glass to look at all the window displays when he’s not in the mood to shop. Likes seeing other people go about their days, live their lives. Likes looking at all the ways the city reflects sunlight and fades to husky gold. Likes walking under the cherry blossoms in the spring; likes it even more when a few petals stick to his shoulders and you laugh and brush them off as soon as he comes through the door.

It’s hard to get off the floor when none of that is out there.

But he does it anyway, because maybe he has a bit of that winter strength. He packs up his stuff and sits at the bus stop, counts his exhales as they materialize in front of him, thankful for the heavy coat you’d bought for him a few years ago, now well-worn and no longer itchy. He sits at the back by himself and sends half-assed replies to all of those texts. Scrolls back to stare at the photo you’d sent him this morning—fresh from sleep and barefaced, lips pursed together in a kiss, thumb and pointer fingers together in a heart.

Slush sticks to his shoes as he ducks inside the building. Nearly trips climbing up the stairs, because the two of you live on the fourth floor and it feels too lazy to take the elevator, even when his muscles are screaming from a long day at the dance studio. But it keeps him moving. Keeps him upright and functional when all he wants to do is rot away.

His shoes are dry by the time he reaches the door, soaked into the carpet lining the hallway. His hands still bear the cold—red and unsteady, it takes him a few tries to punch in the code. Gets it wrong twice, and he takes a second to just… stand there, head resting against the door, feeling the weight of the world come down on him.

He’s not sure what he thought twenty-nine would be like, but surely it wasn’t this.

And maybe if he wasn’t feeling so low, he would’ve noticed. Your keys in the bowl by the door, your shoes in the rack. The light on in the kitchen. The smell of the miyeokguk simmering on the stove. The sound of your footsteps as you meet him where he stands, shoulders slumped, eyes brimming with tears and exhaustion.

“Hob-ah?”

There are hands on his face. Soft, he thinks. They’re touching him so softly, treating him just as delicately as he feels. He leans into it; recognizes the perfume stuck to the wrist. Knows it smells like home and an aching he can never seem to put a name to, and you don’t hesitate to wrap him tightly in your arms.

“You’re not supposed to be here,” he says, words waterlogged and hesitant as he speaks them into the crook of your neck. Nothing feels real, and he doesn’t trust himself to open his eyes.

You tangle your hands in his hair. Scratch lightly against his scalp. “I got an early flight home. Got back this afternoon.” This is where someone else would ask if he’s okay, try to pry apart his ribcage and look at all the ugly parts, but you don’t. There’s just a small intake of breath and the reluctance to let him go. “The miyeokguk is almost ready,” you say instead. “Do you want to take a shower while I get everything ready?”

Hoseok is reluctant to let go, too, but he’s at his best when he has a task. Needs something to accomplish, something to check off on his imaginary to-do list, so he nods. Pulls away and immediately misses your warmth. Takes your face in his hands and presses a kiss to your forehead. Thank you, it says. I needed you here.

You already know, though. You always do.

#hoseok x reader #jhope x reader #hoseok x you #jhope x you #hoseok x y/n #jhope x y/n #hoseok imagine #jhope imagine #hoseok fanfic #jhope fanfic #hoseok fluff #hoseok au #bts imagines #bts x reader #bts x y/n #bts fanfic #fic: jess drabbles #jewel answers #jewel writes

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marimayscarlett · 12 days

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Priest RZK? Priest RZK. That's some gourmet shit right there. Discuss.

Hi 👀

Ah yes. The age old brainrot of Priest RZK which is still going strong, caused by the infamous music video which also brought us, apart from a very fabulous Richard, a suave Monk-Olli and yet another Schneider with a puppy-moment, which still causes people to lose it every other day:

Now, to examine this fascination with Priest RZK properly, it's somewhat important to look at some general and at some more specific points regarding the attraction to priests and men of the church:

First and foremost, they're meant to be celibate (at least in the catholic church, which is my point of view here). They're actually unattainable and off limits as a romantic and/or sexual partner since they vowed loyalty and love to the church and are definitely not meant to stray from this path in any way. Which kind of, if we use theological terms here, makes them some kind of 'forbidden fruit' so to speak.

-> If a priest, who vowed to be celibate, desires someone, it can become a test of his vocation, which can have life-altering consequences, emotional turmoil, unrequired longing and love and maybe ultimately even a secret affair - a whole lot of potential drama, which can be quite a thrill for some people.

They are (or should be in the best case) there for people in need. Listening to concerns, giving out advice, keeping secrets to themselves and overall representing some form of (fatherly) confidant and advisor, most of the time in one-on-one conversations - roles which can become quite loaded with emotion and emotional intimacy, so to speak.

-> Priests can be (for some religious women, like here) an embodiment for care and security, like a safe dream vision to project inner longings on without running the risk of being disappointed (since acting on these feelings is out of question).

In the linked articled above, a survey among catholic women gathered the following typical traits for a priest in women's eyes: 'different to other men’, he ‘pays attention to me’, ‘listens to me’, is ‘sensitive’ and ‘intelligent’; thus oftentimes traits these women miss in their own lives/relationships. Attraction to priests can point in the direction of "a search for both alternative models of masculinity and alternative experiences of male authority" (especially for women who suffered under these social structures, but not only) - a man which moves outside of the common norms and male behaviour patterns.

Regarding Richard, I can imagine that the following thoughts might come into play when it comes to the insane attraction of the concept of him as a priest:

Richard in priest robes looks so good, so modest and serious, and so wrong. Since we kind of know he's not the most steady person regarding relationships and definitely does not live anywhere near the realms of celibacy, this contrast between his way of life and that of a priest can be quite alluring and in my mind creates the picture of a somehow corrupt and opportunistic priest, which absolutely does not help. (Not thinking about him piously celebrating mass and then making you drop to your knees in the confessional 5 minutes later, nope)

Richard is a great listener and very interesting and interested conversation partner, so he would make a great priest regarding giving out advice and listening to problems and sorrows. To confide in him in a private setting, only for the situation to turn out like this is a brainrot which accompanies me for quite some time now 👍🏼

The terminology of adressing him. Quoting 'Fleabag' here:

This (or to be the reason the poor priest has to turn to drastic measures to keep his desires in check, what a dream):

Conclusion: Every day, we stray further away from God on here and do so in lightning speed 👌🏼

#rammstein #richard kruspe #ask #this ask was a wild ride i am so sorry #what a day to be a catholic #i probably shouldn't say out loud that I studied religious pedagogy at university

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donnerpartyofone · 27 days

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nothing to see here

I have to get over this crippling fear of being misunderstood that makes me angry, paranoid, anti-social, and sometimes even aggressive. It makes me say too much or too little. It makes me a worse writer.

I think that when most people complain about being misunderstood, they are talking about having a bad reputation, being slandered, or having no one who takes the time to get to know them. The latter thing correlates with a false equivalence between being understood and being liked, which is not a necessary product of understanding. Sometimes people also equate being understood with being correct--forgetting that someone can understand what you are saying and still disagree with it. Variations on all of those things have happened to me, just like anybody else, but my anxiety is really about people simply not comprehending the basic things that I am actually saying.

People in my life tell me that I'm very articulate, this is held to be my main quality I think, but that idea is contradicted by the frequency with which I go to great pains to explain something as specifically as possible, only to have people (often the same people who tell me I'm smart and well-spoken) completely misconstrue it, project their own baggage onto it, hold me responsible for assumptions about what I mean that are contradicted by what I just said, repeat back to me what I just said as if it were their own original idea, or even answer questions that I didn't actually ask. Mansplaining is alive and well in 2024 CE, perhaps especially among leftist men who believe they could never personally commit this crime, which presumption leaves them wide open to mansplaining all the time without thinking. But that's only a small part of the story of why so many people never seem to have the slightest idea of what I am saying to them, no matter how specific and detailed I try to be in my quest to say one thing clearly, while eliminating all over possible meanings.

I suppose it is terrifying to be misunderstood because it can make it so that you cannot control your circumstances. Advocating for yourself counts for nothing if people witlessly or willfully fail to understand your words. Language control is a major weapon of authority. I have been in corporate situations where my colleagues and I were prevented from resolving problems because upper management, who were tired of hearing about the problems, instituted language bans that prevented us from even discussing the problems clearly and effectively. I was once at an ayahuasca retreat (don't ask) where the shady organizers banned everyone from using the word "sick", which I guess was contrary to their whole healing ideology; so if you had to "get well" then you would "get well" into your bucket and an attendant would empty the bucket into the "wellness pit". One of the people I was with had grown up in an evangelical environment and went on to study religions and cults, and he pointed out that this form of language control is a classic red flag--and in particular if you are taking away a person's ability to make a critical distinction like the one between sickness and health, that can indicate a pretty dangerous situation. For another, even more obvious example, if you're in a relationship where someone is creating ambiguity around words like "yes" and "no", and inventing all kinds of subtext and context for your words, you're in trouble.

Of course, misunderstanding happens for all kinds of innocent reasons too. People don't listen that well, they don't read that well, they are just waiting for their turn to talk, they're angry and they don't think about what they're really hearing or saying, they are full of subconscious projections, they assume they know what you're talking about without reviewing your whole statement and then they just make their usual foregone conclusions. They have some narrative in mind, often a more optimistic one than whatever you are struggling to describe, and they'll contradict you with this attitude like they're doing you a big favor (like they're not kind of calling you a liar). It's incredibly frightening to be misunderstood. It's like one of those nightmares where you're running away in slow motion, or more aptly you try to scream but nothing comes out. I'm 100% sure this is why I'm so obsessed with language: I think that if I can just figure out how to say things that are always understood, then I will be able to save myself from danger.

But this fear makes me take things seriously when I shouldn't. The internet can help you find your people and it can show and teach you things you didn't know about before, but every time you say anything online, to friends or strangers, you create limitless opportunities to be misunderstood in ways that you have never dreamed possible. It is so hard for me not to correct people. I KNOW that it is not important for internet randos to understand me. I also KNOW that most people still won't understand me even if I correct them. But it is SO HARD not to say "That's not what I said" or "That's exactly what I already said" or "You're making an assumption that isn't based on anything and is also not true" or "I didn't ask" or "That's not even what I was talking about." I KNOW it doesn't matter, and that if I dig in with someone, I am likely to become MORE FRUSTRATED. But when I don't correct the person, this DANGER light goes on in my brain and all day long I have this anxious feeling like I forgot to do something important, like I left the oven on or something, and I had better go back and fix the problem OR ELSE. It's easy to decide intellectually that not everyone's opinions and perceptions matter, and it is obvious that misunderstanding is a common problem that you can never eliminate completely, so the only thing to do is ignore the situation and keep living your life. But if only ignoring the situation were not so emotionally loaded, it would be a lot easier to steer clear of making bad situations worse.

Another option is to just stop saying things altogether, and this is actually an appealing possibility. Unfortunately it comes with just as much emotional difficulty as the fruitless struggle to make oneself understood.

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groenendaelfic · 11 months

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Do you think Simon would actually be willing to become the Prince Consort tho?! Like yes he LOVES Wille but I don't think he'd ever wanna officially set a foot in that system let alone give up his career for being a working royal

The quick answer is yes, I think he’d thrive. Go read my fic Becoming Prince Simon for details.

The long answer is that I think that just like we tend to make Wilhelm into this social justice prince who’d love being a house husband and hates being a royal, when in fact he is quite comfortable with ignoring staff while he walks past them in a ratty old t-shirt and sweatpants because there’s nothing more normal than living in a palace and having staff cater to him for him, and he actively enjoys ordering Jan-Olof to send him food to the middle of nowhere Hillerska, to name but two examples of how Wilhelm very much doesn’t mind being royal or privileged, and just hates being told what to do or say and having to act like someone he isn’t, Simon, too, isn’t this grand idealist.

Sure he’d like being treated fairly, who doesn't, especially when you always draw the short straw even while following the rules while your classmates get away with breaking them without problem, but the truth is he’s rather pragmatic.

He gets back in contact with his drug addict, alcoholic and to a currently unknown degree abusive father so that he can acquire alcohol for his underage classmates to drink so that Sara can attend a party, and then steals drugs to among other things pay for math tutoring because he wants good grades.

I’m not saying Simon would jump at the chance to join the royal family, but he’d come to see the advantages, and I’m not just talking about him being with Wilhelm, but also all the good he can do. He doesn't need to be a monarchist for that.

So yes, I don’t only think Simon would be willing to become Prince Consort, but that he’d thrive once he got accustomed to the idea.

After all modern day Sweden isn’t Czarist Russia or pre-revolutionary France, you can’t just burn that shit down (and get the Soviet Union or Emperor Napoleon), because that wouldn't work and attempting so would do more harm than good.

You need reform and systematic change, and to change a system you need to interact with it, for example from the inside, and as spouse to the Crown Prince and later King, Simon would be in the ideal position to affect that.

He doesn’t need any actual power to highlight problems and topics important to him or for people to pay attention and listen. It doesn’t always have to be Diana shaking hands with a man with aids in the 80s, it can be something as trivial as the irl second in line opening a fairytale trail in her duchy as a toddler.

What the royal family does (and doesn’t! do) gets publicity and is reported. Simon knows that. He grew up seeing it all the time.

And the people most likely to take note of what the royal family does? Those I dare say are also some of the ones who could do with a bit more exposure to the causes Simon would highlight.

Also not to be mean but give up what career? We know Simon enjoys making music and he wants to get out of small town Bjärstad, but as far as we know he has no great, specific career ambitions he’d have to give up.

I’m gonna end this with a potentially triggering and extreme example, so take care.

When the royal court announced that the irl Swedish crown princess had an eating disorder I was in junior high. I'll always feel sorry for what she had to go through so publicly and it definitely is another point on the list of why monarchies and celebrity culture are the worst, but I also cannot overstate how much good that publicity did when it came to bringing awareness to the topic of eating disorders.

Suddenly that was something that was seriously discussed as an illness by people in power and who otherwise never would have, and not just in a ‘haha those silly teenage girls wanting to look like Kate Moss’ kind of way, because it was the crown princess and not some random pop starlet, and if that can happen to someone like her, then who is to say it can’t also affect our own children etc?

We were taught about it in school, in detail, when my older cousins never were, how to recognize them, how to help, where to go for help. More, there suddenly were places to help, places that were actively advertised which hadn’t been before.

There were clinical programs being opened and awareness campaigns launched, and not just in Sweden. (I’m not saying she was the only reason, it was the late nineties, it was really, really necessary, but she was a big deciding factor when it came to the amount and speed at which things changed)

It sucks that royals and celebrities highlighting important issues can make such a difference, and I’m the first to go yell abolish all systems of inequality irl, but Simon could do a lot of good as a working royal, and he’d actually care about changing things, instead of just finding it a boring necessity like irl royals and the YR royal family including Wilhelm do, which is why I think that in a few years, given time, he would very much be willing to become part of the system if only to bring what change he can, especially when no one else can take his place and do it instead of him.

#king wilhelm ftw #prince simon ftw #ask me anything #young royals #young royals meta #random ramblings

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salsa-di-pomodoro · 1 year

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Emmet breaks spacetime to find his brother this, Emmet goes feral without his brother that (which you shouldn't take too far btw), where are the Ingo goes apeshit fics. Where are the fics where Ingo single handedly corrals the gods into getting him (and Akari, if she's tired of being in charge after having to save the world) home. This man is depressed one day about his memories and then his unovan religion socialization kicks in subconsciously and he goes 'no fuck this. I am going to get my memories back whether they comply or not' and that escalates into 'i am going home no matter what' and also 'i am going to be happy. I will make it so'. This man didn't get raised with the values of TRUTH and IDEALS for nothing. That shit sticks in your mind so much even if you don't personally think about it much. Have you seen how many times unovans mention truth or ideals in the games. They're important to them. And they're important to him.

I don't even mean that Ingo becomes a villain or anything. I just mean to say he sees a child befriending gods and goes 'hey what the fuck. If they can do that i can do something about my own situation as well for sure' and don't try to tell me the gods wouldn't listen to him. First off i believe Arceus and everyone else do love their creation, they just sometimes don't understand it. Second of all even if that wasn't true not all the gods agree with each other. If Arceus couldn't or didn't want to do anything he could just ask giratina. Or dialga and palkia. How would palkia help? They bring him to celebi. There's no way he wouldn't get celebis approval especially with palkias help.

What? The Pearl clan wouldn't let him go? Lmao what are you even talking about. Even if they didn't want him to leave the position of warden they value space very much. They'd want him to find his own before all else, and even if they didn't Irida would and her judgement is the most important one in the clan. I'm pretty sure she mentions wanting to travel, too, so she might join Ingo for a time as well.

Something is wrong in Unova upon his arrival? Impossible. Unova loves their Subway bosses and Emmet loves and trusts Ingo enough for that not to be a problem. Even if he didn't Chandelure would be proof enough of something off. i don't think she would just feel her trainer's soul disappear in a split second and not cause a commotion, she'd immediatly begin to freak out. Even without that you know what always fixes shit? Communication baby. This man will not let something go until they've properly discussed it. If the other's opinion is still the same after they've all explained themselves, then fine. But i guarantee you it won't be. If communication is difficult for some reason there is nothing that stops him from making it easier or doing it anyway. He can also go to a god again and have them help out of it's something he can't do anything about himself. Grudge? Gone. Death? Xerneas'd. Legal trouble? Over.

There is nothing that can't be fixed, especially in the pokemon world. It's going to be exausting, and probably very taxing on the mind, but it would be worth it so much. And there is no way Ingo and Emmet aren't both going to go to therapy anyway in the end.

Even if the gods couldn't fix it and send him home, they'd at least grant them both peace of mind. A letter, a picture, sent back or forward in time. With proof that it's real, obviously, and that yes it is god that brought this to you, so there's no misunderstandings. And don't tell me they can't do that, you've seen the arc phone. A space time distortion, conveniently timed on both sides, courtesy of dialga and palkia. They're going to get to be happy eventually, whether that means moving on or being reunited. Though there's like no way they don't get reunited lol

#truth -> wants to know the truth about himself #ideals -> will #willpower #determination #whatever you want to call it #alternatively he could track down volo and forcefully redeem him so he tells him all his secrets and finds celebi #or befriend giratina #i mean whoevers fault it is for him being there they owe him #submas #ingo #emmet #warden ingo #subway boss ingo #subway boss emmet #ingo and emmet #arceus #dialga #palkia #giratina #celebi #pla #pokemon legends arceus #pokemon legends #pokemon arceus #subway boss nobori #subway boss kudari #subway bosses #tagging all this because while it started as a demand for determined Ingo who wants to see and make sure his brother is ok #it just became a submas reassurance post #and i want everyone to see. if i can reassure even 1 person with this i will be very happy. i know i'd like to hear this from others myself

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subparcarrion · 1 month

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CW//TW: kinda vent, discussion of tics and tic attacks (and some of the aftermath for me), discussion of high stress and anxiety situations, cussing/cursing, discussion of physical pain, discussion of pills.

(ACTUAL POST UNDER CUT.)

So... yeah,,,

Tic attacks, gonna have to go with ☆☆☆☆☆/★★★★★ (0/5). Especially at close to four in the morning at a sleepover.

Not really sure why I'm deciding to put it out on the internet, but I guess I wanna talk about it or smth. And with March break and my crippling social anxiety the closest I've come to talking about it irl is a quick "that was kinda traumatic ngl" to a close friend over text.

In retrospect it makes sense, it's the most stressed I've been in a while now paired with a lot of just having to be constantly "on" and feeling scared to say no.

For context I did a pseudo babysitting job for a family friend from around mid afternoon to nearly midnight. I then decided to go a sleepover with my friends late since they had been kind enough to move the date so I could attend. (Probably not the best idea for the future who has a bad anxiety disorder and probably a lot of other stuff, but when have I ever said no.)

The job itself was pretty stressful but the kid and her mom's are super nice and did their best to accommodate me, so that was really nice. (They also paid me really well when I would have honestly done if for free so I'm not gonna complain. Anything bad was kinda just unavoidable considering it was me who was doing the job.)

Im also not really gonna bitch about the sleepover too much, my friends are lovely, the timing just made things rough.

Since I was arriving so late we hung out for like an hour and then went to bed (at least tried to go to bed), a lot of tha time was just kinda spent getting ready for bed though. There's nothing wrong with that, I just ended up feeling a little like I had missed out on the best part of stuff. (Again, no one else's fault.)

Everyone else fell asleep pretty quick, however I was not tired at all. It wasn't unexpected though, going from one high stress situation to another doesn't really let you let your guard down. Let alone feel properly sleepy.

So I just kinda did some stuff on my phone for thirty minutes to see if I would get tired and then decided to finally turn in for the night still very much all to aware of everything.

At this point it's probably important to mention that everyone in my froend group has at least a passing interest in a game called "The Stanley Parable". And if you didn't know you can go into an elevator in that game, and it kinda just plays this goofy elevator music in loup until you leave.

It is thus tradition in my friend group to play the elevator music while we fall asleep at any and all sleepovers where it is possible and everyone is chill with it.

The elevator is kinda some basic lyricless pop-ish kinda techno song where you can occasionally, if you listen closely enough hear the narrator hum along with the tune. The song itself is a certified banger, but I was stressed as fuck and hyperaware of everything. It was safe to say it was driving me crazy, especially the humming part.

I didn't really have any means to turn it off though and I would feel bad doing it. After all, I had agreed to it any it would be distruptful to try since it was super late and the room was pretty packed. To move around too much would probably wake someone up. (Wow, foreshadowing or smth.)

I never really got to sleep and it was around late three in the morning, nearly four when shit really started to hit the fan.

(Another bout of context before I continue: so I've had what I'm just calling tics at this point for about a year now, maybe a bit longer. At least that's when they started getting really noticeable and causing real problems for me. Personally for me it's mostly motor ticks that get much worse in stressful situations. Stressful situations being an iffy description that could cover pretty much anything on acount of the anxiety disorder. Albeit over time it has developed into mostly motor ticks with occasional verbal ones.

I can have periods where they are happening very few times a day and then ones where they are happening several times a minute, either way they never really go away. I had been doing pretty good tick wise before this whole ordeal, now it's definitely leaning towards the worse, more disruptive and painful side.)

It started off with a ciuple of my usual motor tics, getting more and more aggressive very quickly. For the most part these would consist of things like my shoulders jumping up and hitting the vase of my head and neck or my hands doing weird shit.

By the time the verbal tics started the motor tics were so aggressive and frequent they were getting pretty painful. This would be the same time I would start making small squeaks as a verbal tick.

It became pretty clear after that this wasn't stopping any time soon so I sat up and used my pillow to cover my mouth in hopes to muffle the noise so I wouldn't wake anyone.

This was the point where something changed and my tics got the worst they'd ever been. It went from squeaks to small screams and loud grunts. And I was just sitting there in pain scared out of my mind for nearly and hour before the noise finally woke up my friends. Cuz despite all my effort a pillow can't hide constant screaming for very long.

When my friends woke up they were reasonably concerned, they knew I had tics that could occasionally get kinda bad but this was the worst it had been, and I could barely explain through the ticks that it had been going on for about an hour. There was definitely no way I was calming them down, and in all fairness I was freaking out too and they handled the whole shitshow remarkably well.

They probably spent twenty minutes or more trying to calm me down or help, but nothing was working, in fact it might have been getting worse. One of my friends also tried Google-ing it, but Google pretty much said drug him or ignore them were feasible options for yours truly, the little bitch boy.

My friend eventually got their mom and I regained enough control to pack my shit and got driven home. I downed as much sleeping and pain meds as I was allowed to take and continued ticking until I passed out.

Idk,,, not a particularly entertaining story, ig I just wanted to get it out somewhere.

As for me right now, it's been two days and I can't go five minutes without some sort of tic at most.

However, I'm feeling somewhat better, even if my neck hurts like shit.

I suppose that's all, thanks for listening to me bitch and moan tumblr. <33 /p

-carrion_

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marvelstars · 3 months

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Anakin and Paternity

One of the most interesting aspects of Star Wars is the relationship between children and parents, this is the case of Anakin and Luke, the main protagonists of the story, so I wanted to explore the paternity relationships and the idea of parenthood from Anakin´s perspective.

Anakin Skywalker:

Anakin had three father figures during the saga as he didn´t have a biological father and neither was he adopted. What´s interesting about him is that all his father figures were scheming and often used a double discourse while talking to him and other people.

Qui-Gon Jinn:

Qui-Gon relationship with Ani was warm with Anakin and Shmi, he inmediately starts teaching the Jedi perspective to Anakin and it´s Shmi who notices he wants something more of him so she tells him about his birth, wishing for him to be able to free Anakin, she didn´t expect him to try to free her and he never offered.

Qui-Gon inmediately supported Anakin´s idea of risking his life to get them the tools they needed to escape Tatootine because it was a quick way to get them but also he wanted to explore Anakin´s potential in the force. If he was as force sensitive as his exams showed then he would not die during the race just like he didn´t die in other occasions.

Then Qui-Gon tried to free both Anakin and his mother but after Watto refused, he used the force to free only Anakin and later he tells Anakin he is free but they have to leave his mother behind because he could not free both of them, something which is true but also convenient because Anakin was supposed to leave his mother behind if he wanted to join the Jedi Order.

Shmi wants her Son to be free so she helps convince him to go and leave.

So Anakin´s initial father figure is someone warm, has a Jedi perspective of life but also is someone who quite literally abandoned his mother to slavery and died.

The general feeling Anakin feels towards Qui-Gon is warm but also abandonment.

Obi-Wan Kenobi:

Anakin´s initial meeting with Obi-Wan was a cordial but distant one, both of them saw Qui-Gon as their father figure.

Obi-Wan thought Qui-Gon´s idea of brining Anakin to the temple was incorrect as he was too old and he also saw Anakin as someone dangerous with a dark future when the Council mentioned Anakin´s feelings for his mother could lead him towards the darkside. Qui-Gon answered Anakin´s future was uncertain, not dangerous, which was true. Anakin was just a kid, a very kind hearted one, who showed he also had heroic qualities and Jedi qualities as well given he wanted to do good for other people and the galaxy but he still needed to grow up.

Anakin listened to Obi-Wan´s and Qui-Gon discussion and feel the need to apologize for bothering them and becoming a problem, a 9 year old apologized to two adults for not being what the Jedi Council expected him to be. Qui-Gon told him he wasn´t a problem and to stay close to him to be safe, Obi-Wan didn´t told him anything.

When Qui-Gon died, Obi-Wan took the responsibility of becoming Anakin´s master but he did so out of duty and love for his master, Anakin´s initial relationship went from a short tension between him and Obi-Wan for Qui-Gon ´s attention, to knowing Obi-Wan considered him dangerous to him taking charge of him out of duty.

He no longer had his mother so he didn´t have anyone in the Order who cared for him as family and his needs espefically, what he had was duty, a role to play as the Order´s chosen one and the heart ache and guilt for abandoning his mother to slavery.

Anakin and Obi-Wan grew close during the next 10 years of training and there´s a feeling of brotherhood between them, still Obi-Wan oftens softens his good feelings towards Anakin with constant criticism, which makes Anakin believe he will never get Obi-Wan´s praise for something he did. His relationship with the other members of the Order is distant and cordial, he is no longer as social as he was as a kid and his wish to help the galaxy was shifted towards doing his duty for the Order.

When Anakin started having dreams of his mother being tortured he told Obi-Wan, who only answered dreams pass in time and that Anakin had a responsibility to the Order, which means even if what he saw was real he had to forget about it and focus on serving the Order. So once again the need to prove his worth to the Jedi was more important than worry about family and even worse, love for his mother is once again seen as an attachment, not as love.

Shmi dies after weeks of being tortured, Anakin kills the Tusken Raiders responsible for her death but doesn´t tell Obi-Wan anything and later marries Padme. Anakin feels resentment and guilt towards his violent actions, he admits he failed as a Jedi but he also feels resenment towards the Order and also towards Obi-Wan for keeping him from rescuing her from her death and from slavery, he no longer trust them to care for him as a person or for his loved ones. He admires and appreciates Obi-Wan as his master but no longer trusts him to care for Anakin in a personal way.

His view of the Jedi Order code is no longer duty but resentment because it led the death and suffering of innocents and justifies the abandonmnet of loved ones, like his mother.

Obi-Wan and Anakin get close once again during the war but Obi-Wan for fear of getting attachted to Anakin never tells him about his warm, brotherhood feelings towards him, Anakin no longer trust Obi-Wan personally but cares about him as his father figure. Anakin loves him, protects him, doesn´t want to see him die but he lies to him about his marriage because he can´t trust him with Padme just as he could not trust him with his mother.

During the Rako Hardeen event, Obi-Wan used Anakin´s feelings of love towards him to sell a strategy by apparently dying in front of him and Ahsoka selling Anakin´s grief to the separatist so he could take another identity. This sends the signal to Anakin that his feelings are something that can and should be used agaisn´t him as a war strategy if he is incapable of managing his attachments as the Jedi want him to do. He also is told by Yoda they still see him as someone dangeous to allies and foes and that´s why they don´t trust him but are still willing to use him(this goes unsaid).

In the end after Anakin´s falls to the darkside and attacks the Jedi Temple, Obi-Wan is send to kill him, Anakin and Obi-Wan fight, Obi-Wan cuts off his limbs and leaves him to die on Mustafar. There´s a short moment in which Anakin asks Obi-Wan for help which is non verbal, Obi-Wan tells him he loved him but that he failed in his duty as the chosen one and leaves his to his fate.

So Anakin final feelings towards Obi-Wan is uncertainity, brotherhood, warm, criticism, failure, the idea that duty is more important than family or love, he will never be enough, coldness and abandonenment. His father left him to die.

Post ROTJ Obi-Wan teaches Anakin how to become a force ghost and while Anakin apologizes to his old master for his actions he doesn´t accept Obi-Wan´s offer until Obi-Wan admits he isn´t doing this just because he fulfilled the prophecy but because Obi-Wan forviges him and sees him once again as his friend.

Palpatine: The most toxic of Anakin´s parents.

Palpatine made a rapport with child Anakin with the intention of making him his slave/apprentice and his main enforcer. He made sure to make Anakin trust him and noticing Obi-Wan´s lack of praise made sure to praise him often but also added comments about Anakin leaving his mother behind to inspire in him feelings of guilt and shame as well as resentment on the Jedi Order and his master Obi-Wan. Psycological warfare at its finest for 13 years. Palpatine´s goal is to make Anakin have breakdowns, commit a crime he can´t come back from and be there to put him back together when no one will want him anymore, chaining him to himself.

After Anakin´s kills the Tuskens he is only capable of trusting Padme with the secret and Palpatine, he makes sure to keep Anakin´s secret but also shares with him the idea that he should not feel ashamed about it given what they did to his mother.

Anakin becomes dependant on Palpatine as his confidant because he feels there´s no one else he can come to to tell what he truly thinks, Anakin´s admires Palpatine as a leader and believes he is someone who truly cares for the galaxy and for him. When Palpatine shows his true face Anakin turns on him at the beggining but later hopes to learn from him the secret to save his wife from death and believes he could be taken to trial. When Mace tried to kill Palpatine Anakin turned on him and the Jedi Order.

Palpatine is the one to rescue Anakin from Mustafar and puts him in his suit, Anakin feels guilt for what he did but he can´t undo it, he is now trapped in the system of the Empire, Palpatine controls not only his life and duties but also his body using the suit he still praises him when he follows his orders but often is physically/psycologically abusive.

Palpatine´s relationship with Anakin is ultimately controlling,abusive, toxic and codependent one.

So Vader shows many of this characteristics when he finds Luke, he is controlling but unlike Palpatine he is controlling because he believes is the only way to protect Luke, he plans of keeping him safe by turning him into carbonite.

He also talks about duty, he says to Luke only them together can do something to lead the galaxy and stop the civil war between the rebellion and the empire and makes it look as it´s all that matters to him when he also wants them to be family.

In the end when Luke rejects both of these postions, Vader lets him go, not just he lets him escape Bespin but he also expects Luke to make his own choices and gets ready to fight him and die because he knows his master wants Luke as his apprentice and given he doesn´t want to kill his Son or Palpatine to kill his Son, he realizes he is going to have to make Luke fall to the darkside to save his life as he promised his master. His master/father ends killing Vader using lightning in self defense.

In the end Vader sacrifices his life to save Luke´s life from his master after Luke rejects the darkside and refuses to kill him. Vader as his mother before him is ready to die but makes sure Luke knows he truly loves him and regrets not been able to share more of his life or been an actual father to him.

Conclusion:

Anakin in short absorbed a truly complicated and harsh relationship with double meanings with his father figures, he didn´t get from any of them the unconditional love children need to feel from their parents for a healthy development, rather his relationship with them was always conditional by duty or by what he could do for them, this made him believe no one besides his mother or Padme could love him for himself and he needed to gain love with acts of duty or loyalty and two of his father figures were responsible his two deaths, the spiritual and physical one. So even service and duty wasn´t enough to get their love and acceptance.

So my guess is that while he certainly learned from them pov of Jedi and Sith perspective and duty from his father figures, as a parent/father figure to Ahsoka and later to Luke he prefered to act as his mother did with him, with unconditional love, acts of service, self sacrifice and clarity in his meaning when he wasn´t affected by the darkside in which case he showed what he learned from his fathers, controlling tendencies, scheming, lack of care and coldness which he also showed to both of them and Leia.

I believe it´s interesting the way Anakin´s father figures shaped his perception of himself and the way he related to others and to his children but it was ultimately his mother love the one who inspired him to get back to the light, be as much of a parent as the circunstances allowed him to be, have compassion again and sacrifice himself out of love, just like he did when he was a child, coming full circle.

#anakin skywalker #Qui-Gon Jinn #ObiWan kenobi #Sheev Palpatine #Darth Vader #Luke skywalker #star wars #Ahsoka Tano #Leia Organa #Star Wars #long post #father figures & Anakin #meta: anakin skywalker

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xofanfics · 5 months

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Lost for Words - Part II

Part I | Part II | Part III

Genre: angst, fluff, smut 🥺🤗🥵

Pairing: Reader x Kun // Reader x Taeyong

Word Count: 2.8k

Summary: You have the best boyfriend you could’ve asked for. Things take an interesting turn as you befriend your new coworker, exploring the blurred lines between friendship and something more.

Taeyong’s thoughts revolved around you for the rest of the weekend and for the three weeks that followed. He found himself thinking about you more and more as the days went on, even outside of work. They started out as simple thoughts; just flashbacks at how beautiful you’d looked that morning. Then the thoughts got a little more complex. He’d look at menus and think about all the foods you told him you liked. He’d make a note to himself to tell you all about it and give you that recommendation. But then he took it even further by imagining himself taking you there someday, on a date. He wondered what it would be like to kiss you, to hold you so close that he could easily smell the scent of your perfume.

He hated the fact that you weren’t single. He hated the fact that you had a boyfriend. He hated the fact that he had absolutely no chance with you. He knew he had no right to feel this way, but he couldn’t help himself. His thoughts and feelings were just that - thoughts and feelings, where they would remain in his mind and heart until he decided to move on. An even more delusional side of him even wondered if there was the possibility of you and your boyfriend breaking up.

It was pretty early on into their relationship, but he knew that he could see himself with you. It’d been a month and a half and he felt like you’d gotten considerably close with him. The team was pretty close, in general, though, so Taeyong had a hard time understanding if this was how you acted with everyone.

Today, he had a meeting with you to discuss his findings from a marketing campaign that just ended. You would normally have this meeting with the rest of the team, but Taeyong honestly just wanted to have some time alone with you. He presented it to you under the guise of wanting to give you the information as soon as possible. He insisted that he’d just do the full presentation next week, once Valentina had returned from her maternity leave.

The two of you didn’t have meetings alone often, so Taeyong was enjoying every second of it. He watched as you listened to his findings. He loved how attentive you were and how you always had a question or two. Plus, the longer you talked, the more time he got to spend with you.

He was well aware that you were his coworker. He knew that you should probably stay that way, but he couldn’t help feeling so drawn to you. Even your other team members praised how well you worked together. Workplace relationships were almost always a bad idea, right? But in the delusional side of Taeyong’s mind, he thought that he could make it work whether anyone knew about it or not. Of course, he would prefer no one knowing. He wouldn’t want you to be the target of gossip. Even if they were just words, Taeyong knew all too well how hurtful words could be.

“I hope that all made sense,” he said, “but I think that audiences responded really well to the new templates we used for the email. We tested two different ones but it seemed like the new one performed better.”

“Yeah, that sounds good. We can definitely try that for new products moving forward. I think the new template was easier to read, with more white space.”

“I think that maybe changing up the templates on social media would also be helpful. I’d love to test that as well. I can bring up that idea in the larger meeting next week. How does that sound?”

You nodded. “That would be great. Thank you for your help on this. It really helps to go over this information.”

“No problem,” he said as you turned toward the door. He could see your coworkers gathering by the entrance. “By the way, are you joining everyone for lunch? I hear they’re trying a new soup place.”

You shook your head. “Nah. I’m not really in the mood for soup.”

“What are you in the mood for?”

You chuckled. “Honestly? I was thinking of going to the convenience store and having lunch there.”

“Are you okay?” he asked, joining in your laughter.

“What’s wrong with the convenience store?”

Taeyong shrugged, teasing. “I mean, nothing…I guess.”

“Wanna join?”

“Sure,” he said. “It’s hump day, the perfect time for a cheat meal.”

You giggled as Taeyong opened the door for you.

You enjoyed Taeyong’s company a lot, you realized. You felt like you could be yourself with him around. He was friendly with everyone, of course, but it seemed like you had a lot in common with him. Everyone at the office seemed to like him, too. He was a breath of fresh air, honestly.

You talked about a lot of things but it seemed like you were having deeper conversations today. You talked about your childhood and how your parents struggled to put you through college and how you never knew until your parents told you that they were selling the house. The three bedroom home that you and your sister had known your whole lives was sold and they moved into a smaller home, further from the city. You told him how you always felt bad about it and how you should’ve gotten a job despite your parents telling you you didn’t need to.

“Hey,” he said, noticing the melancholic aura, “none of those things are your fault…”

“I know,” you said, “but I wish things had been different back then.”

“If you could change one thing in the past, would it be that?”

You nodded. “I would’ve worked so they didn’t have to sell the house.” You turned to him after taking a bite of your noodles. “Is there anything you would change?”

Interestingly enough, Taeyong shook his head. “I don’t think so.” Noticing your surprised face, he added, “Life sucked a year ago, I’ll admit, but I wouldn’t be where I am today. And I like the way things are going in my life right now. I mean, I like the work I’m doing and I have a team that respects me. I’m also moving into a much nicer apartment in a couple of weeks.”

“That’s amazing. Do you need anything for the apartment? I’d love to get you something.”

“I was debating on having a housewarming party after I move in, actually.”

“You should! It would be fun.”

“I have a few friends that would be able to come. And I’d love to invite a couple people on the team, too. My friend, Hwan, would probably bring his girlfriend. You can bring yours, too, if you want.”

“Yeah,” you said, “I’d be down to come.”

***

Valentina had returned from her maternity leave, a month later, with fresh energy. Among the team, she found herself naturally drawn to Taeyong. His intelligence and unwavering enthusiasm for learning resonated with her deeply. Valentina had always held hard work in high regard – after all, it had propelled her to her current high-level position at the youthful age of thirty-three. Life was starting to come together for her; she was recently married and had welcomed her first child into the world. With her momentum, a promotion within the next couple of years seemed well within reach.

As she entered the meeting room, the soft sound of her heels pierced the air. Her lips curved into a warm smile as she greeted the room with a confident "Good morning." Setting down her cup of coffee, she took her designated seat at the head of the table.

“Morning, Valentina,” you said.

“Does anyone need to dial in today?” asked Taeyong, “We should set up the video conferencing.”

“I think it’s just Hina working from home today,” you said. “She had to have a repairman come in to fix her plumbing.”

Taeyong nodded and went to the computer to set up the camera. Then, David walked in with his laptop and a grin. He sat down at the other end of the table.

A moment later, Taeyong had set everything up and Hina was on the screen. She waved to everyone and Valentina began.

“I called everyone here this afternoon to provide an exciting update. We understood that a few of you mentioned wanting to attend more conferences and conventions taking place in the industry as we went through last quarter’s employee survey,” she explained. “Due to the number of people that requested, we intend on buying extra tickets for those that are interested in attending. It would be a great opportunity to learn more about our competitors and attend keynotes. This is a new initiative for the company’s commitment to professional development.”

The room was filled with excited chatter and agreeable nods as she went on. She continued, “David and I will be presenting our upcoming product launch, along with a few other high level members of the company. The convention will be taking place in Incheon at the Songdo Convensia Center and we will be staying at the Hanuri Lotus Hotel, which is within walking distance to the convention center. If you’re interested in accommodations, of course, be sure to let us know. It’s coming up next month, so please make decisions soon. I’ll send out an email to follow this meeting with all the necessary information!”

Following the announcement, anticipation filled the air, a collective enthusiasm rippling through the team members.

By lunchtime, it was all anyone could talk about. As you, Hina, Taeyong, and Kevin stepped out for lunch, the topic of conversation was the conference. It was taking place in the next three to four weeks. Thankfully, you hadn’t made any plans. Kun had mentioned taking a trip at the end of the summer, but that would have to wait.

"I didn't see that coming," Kevin commented, a hint of surprise in his voice. "I mean, we never have the budget for anything…"

Taeyong chimed in, sounding intrigued. "Seriously? You think so?"

Hina joined the conversation with a sarcastic smile. "Oh, absolutely. They're all about decking us out with the latest tech, but when it comes to travel and conferences, suddenly there’s no money" She let out a slight eye roll before returning to her noodles.

You nodded in agreement. “Yeah. They’re usually super strict about budget but I hope this means they’ll invest in us a little more so we can get promoted.”

Taeyong turned to you. “Is getting a promotion hard here?”

Kevin shook his head. “Not necessarily, but I think there’s more room for it now that the marketing and creative teams have been expanding. Honestly, the place was a mess before Valentina came. I’ve been here for about four years and Valentina has been here for a little over two. I went from an intern to a full time employee.”

“Me and Y/N came after. Valentina hired us both.”

Taeyong nodded. “Are you guys going to go to the conference?”

"Absolutely!" The collective response came almost in sync, a chorus of agreement filling the air.

Taeyong let out an airy laugh. “Well, I guess I’ll see you all there.”

***

Despite going into the office everyday, it still seemed like you had nothing to wear. You sifted through your closest, unsatisfied with almost all of the options available. Too business casual, you thought. Not fashionable enough. This was a conference, after all, and you needed to present yourself in a better way. With these sorts of events, you never knew who you’d meet and what opportunities could arise. It’s not that you were looking to leave the company, but you never knew where life would take you.

You started browsing online, looking for more fashionable pieces to add onto your weekend fashion itinerary. Kun placed a mug of chamomile tea on the coffee table for you and planted a kiss on your forehead.

“Still looking for an outfit?” he asked, taking his place next to you on the couch.

You nodded. “Yeah. I saw this really nice pantsuit. Wanna see?”

“Sure,” he said as you went ahead and pulled it up on the screen. “What do you think?”

“I think it’d look gorgeous on you,” he said, “but four hundred dollars?”

“That’s the cost of beauty, babe.”

At that moment, he pulled out his wallet and handed you his credit card. “Buy it. I’d love to take it off of you,” he said, giving you a suggestive grin.

“I’ll be in Incheon, babe,” you explained, taking the card.

“Well, you’ll be in a hotel room, won’t you?”

“I don’t know if we’ll have roommates or not…”

“Well maybe I’ll just have to book a room of my own then,” he said, placing gentle kisses on your neck. “Would you come to visit me?”

***

Taeyong looked at himself in the mirror after he got out of the shower. He sighed, unsatisfied. I need to get back in the gym, he thought. With all of what came with moving from one apartment to the other, he’d been busy trying to get back into his routine.

Most evenings after work, he was too tired to unpack more than a few boxes. The more he unpacked, the more he wished that he’d hired someone to do this. But he was almost there. It’d been a little over two weeks since he moved in but he somehow found himself living out of the boxes instead of unpacking properly.

But between the convention coming up and the housewarming he was planning, he needed to put some pep in his step.

He reached for his new moisturizer, courtesy of their generous employee discount. He heard his phone vibrate on the sink as he applied it but he didn’t bother looking, as he figured it was just a random notification.

A few moments later, he was sitting on his bed in a pair of shorts. He picked up his phone with a smile as he realized that you were the one who texted him.

Y/N [9:12PM]: I got your invitation earlier. I RSVP’d with a plus one!

Y/N [9:12PM]: Btw, do you have a registry?

Taeyong [9:13PM]: You don’t need to buy anything. You guys coming is more than enough!

Y/N [9:16]: I’ll get you something you won’t expect haha

He hated the fact that he’d brought up inviting your boyfriend. But what did he expect? For you to not ask him and for him to not show up? Of course, you’d probably want him to meet your friends. But maybe it would serve as a reality check. Maybe seeing you with your boyfriend together would snap him out of it. Maybe it would snap him out of it so he could realize that he couldn’t have you. Maybe it would be the push he needed to go out on dates so that romance with you wouldn’t even cross his mind.

But, his heart still thumped at the thought of you coming anyway. He couldn’t wait to impress you with his event. He wanted you to taste his cooking. For the past couple of weeks, he’d made note of all the things you mentioned you liked or food he’d seen you eat. So far, it seemed like one of your favorite things to eat was dumplings. And, when you could, you’d opt for seafood. When you went out, he noticed that you’d choose seafood noodles over beef or chicken. He had some ideas of what to put on the menu, for sure.

He hadn’t had the opportunity to hang out with you outside of a work setting. Sometimes he’d get a drink with you and Hina after work but there was never a time when he hung out with you on a Saturday or a Sunday. It had been about three months since he met you, so he supposed that this wasn’t unusual. If anything, he’d have to tread a little more carefully since he worked with you. He knew that people didn’t always care to be friendly and hang out with their coworkers outside of a work related event, but you struck him as the open-minded type. Hell, you’d opened up to him so much already, which had been a bit of a surprise.

The conference was also coming up. He was excited to go, in general, but he was also excited to potentially spend time with you. He’d never been on a work trip like this before but he was excited. Kevin was apparently already making plans for them to go out at night, after the conference and team dinner.

He fantasized about getting you alone, just to talk to you without everyone there. He knew that there was a line that couldn’t be crossed. But he genuinely enjoyed talking to you. There was no harm in that. Even if he sometimes looked at your lips and wondered what they tasted like. Even if he sometimes thought about the sweet things he’d whisper into your ear if he could. Even if he wondered what would happen if you hugged him and he didn’t let you go. After all, there was no harm done in his wonderings.

***

General Taglist: @to-all-the-stories-i-love @sweetnspicy-noona

THANK YOU FOR READING! LMK if you want to be tagged in the next part!

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