As I am replaying Deyaenus and re-exploring his character through RP, I noticed the difference in how I RP'd him in the past, versus how I play him now - especially in regards to his confidence. His lack thereof before, to today's abundance. Back in the day, Deyaenus was far more ill-tempered, anxious, and depressed; a reflection of myself. We often say and try not to bleed over into our characters, but these figments of our imaginations are our brain-puppets, and as ours as can be are inevitably reflected by the thoughts, emotions, and constitution of their birth place.
Once my exterior environment changed and bettered, so did I. And, by extension, so did Deyaenus. This reflected itself in RP through a burst of confidence and tempered demeanor from the character that was a pleasant surprise.
Mind you, the meat and potatoes of the character has not changed: opinionated, stubborn in some archaic beliefs, and faction biased. You know, the good stuff that people dislike him for. And that's fine! I enjoy being the "in-the-wrong" character if it helps push other people's RPs and character development. Both those things can only really move forward with conflict.
"It's me hi, I'm the problem, it's me~"
It's just funny how I remember Deyaenus, as a Holy Priest, desperately clinging to the doctrines of the Church, the Light, and stomping his foot about being right in it all, when he was at his emotional lowest because being part of something greater and as non-negotionable as The Light made him feel just as indomitable. He could hide behind the white robes, and the verses and preaching, behind prayer, behind dogmatic virtues of beliefs carved by mortals, because it made him feel good. He wanted to be a preacher for the immediate idolation he would get, for the attention, the praise, bask in the benefit of devotion, from the lack of receiving the same in his home life. Of course he never recognized this himself, and he DOES truly, honestly believe in the goodness that the Church has extended and wants to be part of that, but with that little sidenote of "and I will get everyone's love and respect because of it too".
Now, as a Shadow Priest, stuck with a parasitc infant (not so?) Old God and dealing with it through the adventures, trials, and shenanigans thereof, he is both at his loneliest (no guild, friends moved on, on-and-off romance(?)) and, at the same time, his most confident. I've been personally headcannoning and RP'ing that the void parasite - named Junior - managed to anchor itself to the physical realm by feeding on Deyaenus' depression and poor emotional state. He doesn't know it, recognize it, or think about it, under the misguided belief that this is just normal and every shadow priest has a little bugger like his. It's not like the parasite has 'eaten' or removed or replaced Deyaenus' depression. It's, much like in Real Life, you can eventually learn to positively live with it! I still have the same poor thoughts, fears, and insecurities as before, when I first roleplayed Deyaenus and these were more evident both in RP and in myself, but over time I've grown to nurture myself, build myself up, and find confidence inwardly.
Nowadays, I like thinking that while Junior is the symbolic, physical manifestation of depression (how similar are those corruptive "your friends hate you" whispers in-game to actual depressive thoughts?), Deyaenus has learned to depend on himself and keep positive momentum regardless. Junior works for him. Deyaenus can't afford to wallow in these poorly thoughts, even though he won't ever get rid of them. And if ever he did end up overpowered by those thoughts, THAT'S when corruption would kick in at its strongest. THAT'S when depression eats you alive IRL too.
Deyaenus cannot ever get rid of depression, mental illness, what-have-yous, but what he has done is recognize it ("I guess this weird worm is part of me"), take responsibility for it ("The actions of this weird worm and the powers thereof are what I make of them"), and move forward with it ("Weird worm is coming with me whether I like it or not"). And he's that much better for it.
Not perfect, but better.
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