#Because yes I am having all these awful thoughts that make void out to be some liar about caring or something

[seawater-aurelia-writing]

Broken { The Break; Chapter 2}

Pairing(s): Fem!MC/Yuu/Reader x TBD

Summary: MC awakens after her fall but the reactions of others make her spiral worse - but not all is as it seems.

WARNINGS

I am not the best at labeling warnings or triggers but I can say that this story is laden with neglect, self-depreciation, self-neglect, anxiety, possible depression and attempts to justify the above. There could be more labels that I can add but i’m unsure how to word them - so please exercise caution.

I liiiiiiiiiiiive! (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ I restarted this SO many times and yet I could never get it to feel...'right'...So I hope this lives up to yall's expectations! Sorry for the bad summary lol

One last disclaimer though! I have not seen the entirety of Chapter 6 and I have avoided pretty much all content for Chapter 7 as far as i'm aware. So I may not have everyone exactly in character in new things were revealed for them.

When M/C awoke, she half expected to be in the infirmary as she was when she was knocked unconscious during the Magift Tournament. But the other half of her? 

She didn’t expect much. Be it the stillness of the void around her, or the library floor if Professor Trein left her where she fell – there wouldn’t be much difference. It's what usually happened anyway; She could handle her injuries herself if that was the case. However, she supposed there was some form of upside to being in the infirmary. 

If she was left in the void, how else would she know firsthand how she burdened and upset those around her.

‘It’s so late…’ She thought to herself, gazing out of the window across from her bed. She could barely make out the faintest shape of the moon – a crescent. Even the moon was smiling at just how pathetic she had to look at this moment.

“-C. M/C!” 

Why was it so hard for her to hear? Even as she turned her head slowly, moving her eyes to gaze up at the headmaster beside her, it was as if someone had placed her in a tub of mud. She moved so slowly, without much feeling other than a sharp pain as she tried to rest the side of her head down onto the pillow.

“…Hng..”

“Thank goodness, you’ve finally awoken! It’s been two days already! What on earth did you drink to cause you to create such an awful mess of the library?! You know very well that you cannot ...poultices as other students do because of ... Furthermore, I believe I ...use it for research not as ...a playground!” He ranted but his voice faded in and out as he spoke. But why? Why can't I hear him?

Only an idiot would zone out at a time like this.

Crowley sighed, clearly exasperated when she didn’t attempt to speak.

‘He hates that he let you stay here. Who can't do simple chores?He wishes he never helped you.’

“Once you are ...leave, you are to clean up ...the library. Luckily, ...the matter with you ...I can see.” He continued after a moment, his arms folding over his chest as he gazed down at her. Slowly, it became easier to focus but the ringing in her ears never  "Actually...Our nurse is ...but I see no reason ...release you myself."

“…Y-yes…sir.” She rasped, voice dry and hoarse from lack of use.How long had she been unconscious? But again, did it truly matter? But what did that matter? Clearly, the pain in her head wasn’t real and not a sign of something worse. Why should she expect something else?

'He wants you gone.'

'You're taking up space.'

'Stop being selfish.'

'Because you think you're worth more than you are.'

Ace, Deuce and Grim came to visit her that day at lunch just before her release but the visit felt hollow. They laughed and teased her for her clumsiness, even Deuce smiling a bit at the dramatics of Grim, but none seemed to notice the forced smile that M/C put on her face. None noticed how her eyes twitched at the sharp, spike of pain that formed when they grew louder. 

‘They’re only here because they’re forced to be. Stop thinking about yourself.’

'Just smile. Don't make a scene.'

When M/C had been released earlier that day, she was urged straight to attend the final class of that day rather than go straight to Ramshackle. 

‘Please let this go by fast…’ She thought to herself, letting Rook lead the way to their class as the pain in her head continued to grow. M/C closed her eyes for a moment, missing the way Rook glanced back at her and shifted his body to walk closer to her. 'Please...'

Yet it did not. 

MC felt as if she was on autopilot as she sat in class, sluggishly marking notes where needed and nodding along with the lecture but nothing seemed to sink in, no matter how many times she willed herself to focus in. Rook would boisterously comment on things, his voice jolting her to the present long enough for her to gaze at him and then the teacher before her focus waned once more.

‘You’re so needy.’ Why couldn’t she just move past her little incident? Everyone else already had moved past it, so it clearly wasn’t very important. She had no right to wish that others worry about her. They had bigger things to worry about, more important things to focus on.

Right?

‘Why can’t you handle this on your own?” Why couldn’t she? It was only one day just like the others! It wasn’t even hard! Ruggie had gone without meals more than she had! So obviously, she was just exaggerating. Vil had more things to worry about than she did including an actual career! What right did she have to complain about doing a few favors?

‘You’re pathetic.’

‘A waste of space.’

‘What good is someone who screws up a simple thing?’

‘No one cares.’

‘You’re replaceable.’

‘Forgettable.’

As class ended, MC prepared for her cycle to begin once more and so it did. Rather than go to  dinner, Kalim latched onto MC the moment she was out of the classroom. The pain in her head returned full force with his boisterous volume right beside her ear but she still smiled. 

He offered to help the next time she went to the library since he knew ladders were tricky. 

‘They aren’t tricky. He’s pitying you’

“Kalim, leave her alone. She needs to rest.” Jamil finally said after a few minutes, his eyes not leaving her  as he spoke. He almost seemed to study her before adding, “She isn’t looking well.”

‘Pathetic.’

“Huh,? Oh right! I’m sorry! Go, go rest up! We can plan a group dinner later!” Kalim practically beamed before ushering her away from the cafeteria despite Grim’s many protests and her own stumbling feet.

“B-But -” 

 But they were already on Main Street by the time MC attempted to speak. Why was she always so hesitant when it came to these things? She barely uttered a word in the entire conversation and despite Jamil’s eyes on her, it was as if she wasn’t really a part of the conversation. Just a figure meant to listen but not contribute. 

Always there but never meant to fully be there.

MC didn’t register her body moving as she went towards the direction of Ramshackle, her form practically shrinking in on itself as they went. Grimm was rambling on and on as he floated beside her, while she let her body guide her on a path she had now memorized. 

“…Just…pathetic…” She mumbled, one hand coming up to grasp at the other elbow. That’s what she was, wasn’t she? She didn’t stand out other than being magicless but even then people seemed to forget. No one cared that she couldn’t magically make a situation better, but they expected her to do it anyway. Just like no one seemed to care about her wellbeing but they expected her to always be okay. Thoughts of Riddle, Leona, Azul, Kalim, and Vil drifted into her mind - how each of them experienced their own breaks during the Overblots, how they opened up about what hurt them, how everyone listened and tried to help them. She thought about how Crowley actually brought in special healers and therapists just for them for weeks after their incidents and how they still have check-ins with him to ensure they’re on the right track. 

Where was that for her? Her body couldn’t produce magic, she couldn’t  Overblot to make others realize how badly she was hurt mentally, physically, emotionally. She couldn’t voice her worries because who would listen? Even when she tried to warn her friends about the smallest of dangers, they simply brushed her off. Her words didn’t matter; so why would her thoughts matter.

‘Is that it?’ She wondered, a sudden cold feeling filling her form. What if she truly was the issue? Why was she so focused on having her thoughts and feelings acknowledged when she knew that all others wanted was for her to help them? They are all more important than her pathetic emotions, right? They have a life and future here in their world and it’s clear she’s just an anomaly who may never return to where she was once from. Was she - overvaluing herself? Was it all-

“It’s your fault, you know!” Grimm yelled suddenly, directly in front of her.

MC stopped suddenly, a cold chill rushing through her body at the words. Her fingernails slowly began digging into her skin as she looked into Grim’s eyes. “W-what?”

“It’s your fault!! You know, I had to do cleaning duty!” He complained, his little paws resting on his hips as he scowled. “I wanted to pick up some of that discount tuna before Ruggie got all of it but I was roped into cleaning! Not to mention those creepy twins came at me about something you forgot! And you forgot the library today! I'm not cleaning that just because you're lazy and took a fall! You’re my henchman, not the other way around! Don’t be selfish! ”

M/C this. M/C that. Clean the weeds. Fetch my things. Deliver this. Talk to this person. Clean this, clean that. Keeping busy, always busy.

'It's for the best. They have other things to focus on-'

She stopped walking, her head hurting more and more, as if a little thing was smashing cauldrons over and over against her brain. Her heart joined the rhymed pounding so hard, she gripped her chest in a vain attempt to calm it.

"Stop-" She gasped but couldn't say more as she stepped back, her throat clenching.

'They are more important. Don't deny it'

'They will never care about you.'

'You don't belong here.'

“I know as the Great Magician that I am, that I need to carry the both of us since you're useless without magic but you need to watch it with the - huh? MC?!” Grimm continued, his tone shifting to something MC didn’t want to hear – something she couldn’t hear.

She backed away, one step and then two before rushing off towards the entrance gates of the College. Not once looking back.

Her surroundings blurred as she ran, not taking into account where she was truly going - just knowing that she had to get away, far away. From the Grim, from all of the others, from Night Raven College, from everything.She just wanted it all to go away!

'Useless.'

'Magicless.'

‘Selfish’

"Stop! Stop it!" She sobbed, her breath catching in her throat. Her chest began to hurt more than her head caused her to stagger in her stride. M/C felt herself tumble down and crash down a slope, the brush scratching her as she went down before she hit something hard and frigid. 

She sobbed as the thoughts continued to repeat in her head; Every overblot, every chore, every demand, every reprimand, every expectation, and every sign of disappointment. Why was she truly like this? She wasn’t good for anything but menial tasks due to her lack of magic and still she can’t do any of that right. 

“Make it stop, make it stop, makeitstop…”

She didn’t know how long she laid there, nor how long she was sobbing, begging and screaming for the pain to go away, for the thoughts to go away. The pain in her head only grew the more she cried, and as it grew  - so did that pain and tightness in her chest.

‘Useless.’

‘Useless!’

‘USELE-’

Until the darkness took her under again.

But unlike before - the chill of the darkness grew stronger and more intense until it was the only thing she was able to feel. Just as the voices were the only thing she was able to hear. Repeating their words over and over, in a hell that she couldn’t wake up from.

After what seems like ages, a gradual warmth began to seep into  the darkness around her. A spreading, far reaching feeling spreading across her body but oddly focused around her back and under her legs. 

‘What is…’ She wondered as another sensation came to her slowly, a rocking kind of motion accompanied by a lightness. It reminded her of the gentle swaying of the waves of Coral Sea but was swiftly ruined by the sound of harsh thunder reigniting the pain in her head. A flash of brilliant light flashed across her eyelids, causing her to whimper.

“Are…-ake, dear?” A familiar, deep voice crooned, not loud enough to hurt her head any further but enough for her to hear it clearly.

‘This voice…I know it…I..Why is he-’

‘You’re wasting his time.’

“Shhh, your heart…racing again. You…it’s Lillia…Focus on my breathing, little one.” Lillia’s voice soothed, as the rocking motion slowed - was she being carried? M/C registered the warmth tightening around her slightly as her breath quickened unintentionally.  “Shhh, focus…. You can do it. Think of nothing else but my voice and deep breaths.”

It took what felt like ages before M/C was able to focus on the steady rise and fall of her head in time with Lillia’s breathing. The ache in her chest lightened but the pain in her head did not, only worsening as she attempted to open her eyes. Another flash of lightning, red eyes and furrowed brows.

“It’s best if your eyes remain closed. The storm will only worsen the pain of your concussion.” Lillia remarked, just before more thunder rumbled. “ You worried us all, dear. Especially dear Malleus.”

“C-concussion? B-but I…don’t have a-” She mumbled, turning her head to hide from the storm before a thought flashed through her mind. “T-The library! I didn’t clean i-”

“You will not be cleaning anything nor doing any chores for the foreseeable future, little one.” Lillia cut her off quickly, his soft voice containing a firmer tone than she was used to hearing. “You are injured and have been pushing yourself too hard. Far harder than you should have.”

‘He knows you can’t do it. That’s why he said that.’

‘He knows you’re pathetic.’

“No, n-no I’m not. It’s fine. If anything I need to push harder, heh.” She forced out a laugh, attempting to lighten the atmosphere but Lillia merely sighed.  “I-It’s nothing really!”

“You’ve barely been eating, little one. Silver told me as such and I witnessed it myself; We were going to ensure you ate this evening but you didn’t show. In addition, you’ve been having more accidents than usual and have been unfocused. You. Are.Exhausted.”

“No, it’s fine. I just, if I just finish this one thing then it’s fine. I-I can clean the library super fast and it’s all okay!” She pressed, fighting the urge to cry once more. Had her screw ups been that apparent? She didn’t mean to; She was doing her best!

“But it’s never just one thing, is it?” M/C faintly registered the sound of his shoes upon cobblestone, were they back on campus?  “After this, then there’s another favor that’s asked of you, another assignment, another mess to clean. But – have you had time for yourself, little one?”

“…I-I do at night I have-“ The words trailed off as she tried to think of something. She did have time to herself at night but it was never for long, especially when her thoughts would become so loud or she would get those odd dreams of things she swears she’s seen but can’t fully remember. 

“But you live with Grim,yes? Who boasts about how tidy you keep your shared room…so I can only wonder how much alone time you get in there at all.” He hummed,and for a brief moment MC felt the brush of something soft and silken brush her face. Lilia seemed to shift slightly, curling into her  before the gently swaying became an airy sensation, like she was adrift but his warmth continued to steady her.

“…”

“And let us not forget that Malleus often takes his nightly walks in your area; Often alongside you, yes?  He’s told us that he’s seen lights on in Ramshackle as late as the early morning hours even after he’s escorted you home.”

“Ramshackle…isn’t my home.” She mumbled, her eyes growing hot and tears welled within. “This isn’t my home, I don’t belong and that’s why this doesn’t matter. I don’t know why you’re wasting your time with me; you have better things-”

“Do you know what’s the scariest thing in the world?”

“Huh?”

Lilia’s voice was low as he continued to speak, “Asking for help. You have to open yourself up and admit to yourself and someone else that you need help. That you need someone there to help you stand until you get your footing once again. There’s not many people who can open themselves up to doing that. Magically inclined or not.”

MC thinks of everyone who asks her for help. “No one seems to have that issue here…”

“They do love to ask you for things but not for those matters that are oh-so  troubling to them. Most would rather keep to themselves and allow their thoughts to consume them before they incite their pleas. Does that sound familiar?”

MC bit her lip, her eyes opening partially as her tears finally began to fall. She vaguely noticed the dim setting around them, but nothing was truly familiar as her tears blurred her sight. “All of you already have so much to worry about and futures to plan and…it’s just…better if I don’t ask.”

“And what, praytell, about your future, little one?” Lilia pressed as MC shakily used her hands to wipe her tears away.

“I…don’t think I have one. I don’t have magic so I can’t really….. I’m a magic-less student in a magically-based academy – how am I even going to use what I’m being taught? I’m just pathetic and worthless-.”

“Enough. I refuse to listen to you slander yourself in such a way, Child of Man.”

MC tensed as Malleus’s voice rang out firm from somewhere in front of Lilia and herself. She slowly parted her fingers, blinking so as to get a clear peek between them but quickly came to wish she hadn’t. She wished she could go back to that unknown area where Lilia had taken her from and just melt there where she wouldn’t have to deal with what was in front of her and the implications it all held.

Standing before her, in the main room of Ramshackle Dorm, were the Dorm Leaders , Grim and Sam with various expressions across their faces. -----------------------------taglist-------------------------------

@mamushroomoracorn | @sailor-pom | @secondb0rn | @honey-deerling-oc | @valerieelizablack | @hanafubukki |@houseoftitans | @butterscotch-babie | @thai | @alextheknight707 | @starshiningsirius | @vanrougette | @valerieelizablack | @cherrysamasama | @over-active-daydreamer | @tanspostsblog | @pineapple-coco | @silvsilvysilver | @diu0sanr | @amoresdarlene | @alankorex | @thehomosexualsupportingcast | @formerstands | @yourunsearc | @twst-rui | @StarryOne23

#twisted wonderland #disney twisted wonderland #female reader #Female Ramshackle Prefect #twst x reader #twisted wonderland x reader #twst #lilia vanrouge #Grimm #Grim #Rook Hunt #Dire Crowley #Malleus Draconia #It's been a while since I tagged lol

[sapphicwhimsy]

Pearl while sparring with Gem during the crossover accidentally rips the sunflower dress. Gem works her hardest to help fix it

thank you for your hard work solider

The sparring is nothing new. Really! They're girlfriends, it's all in good fun. They won't hurt each other too badly, the wooden swords are to make sure of that, and they'll respawn if they take too much damage. It's friendly and fun and Gem wants some of the death mementos that she'll drop, so Pearl agrees to spare.

The ground is even, the bed is set, their swords are drawn.

And Gem attacks first. It's clumsy, she isn't used to a sword in this world, Gem has admitted as such. Part of the reason for the spar, actually. Pearl joked about her losing her ability and Gem had taken it as a challenge.

And now she has Gem practically beating her to death with a wooden sword. It's fun! Really! She fights back and she laughs and it's great. The steps for both of them aren't the best, they aren't used to fighting in their dresses, and it's all great, until…

Gem jumps at her, and she doesn't back away fast enough. She jerks back but it isn't good enough, Gem lands on her new dress that's a gift from the void without her noticing but she still jerks back away further from Gem and then.

RIIIIP.

The noise is loud and grating and also so very awful. It breaks her heart more than anything she'd ever thought possible, and when Gem jumps back out of fear, Pearl can see the damage done.

"Oh no," Pearl moans in despair, and Gem is by her side again in an instance. Their swords are forgotten as they inspect the damage, and Pearl feels tears in her eyes. She didn't know something like this could rip like that.

"I'm so sorry!" Gem exclaims, as she looks at the tear along the fabric. Pearl isn't too sure what she's looking at, in all honesty. It's threads torn apart and fabric flaps in the wind and oh, her heart breaks for the pretty dress.

"Shoot," Pearl mumbles, kneeling down as best she can without possibly risking tearing it more. Her fingers lightly pick at the edges of the fabric, and she whines in the back of her throat as the damage gets to her. She can't fix this! She doesn't know how! "What am I gonna do…"

"It looks like it's just a torn seam," Gem says, without much fanfare, and when she looks up at Gem inquisitively, Gem's cheeks color as she looks away. "What? I do things without you sometimes…"

"I didn't say you don't," Pearl says in response, and Gem purses her lips as if she wants to argue, but turns her attention back to the dress.

"Anyway. It's not bad. I can fix it."

"You can?" And it's more incredulous than she means it to be, but it makes Gem scoff all the same.

"Yes! How do you think I got this dress? I made it myself, thank you." Pearl doesn't really have time to consider the implications of what that means too much, before Gem is pulling her to her feet. "C'mon. Let's get you inside and I'll get you fixed up."

"I don't have anything to wear," she protests, because she at least knows it's easier to not be wearing the clothes you're fixing up, so it probably means the same for Gem fixing her dress. Gem's cheeks shift a few shades darker and she tilts head down, determined as she leads her inside.

"I do. C'mon."

"No offense Gem, but I don't think I can fit in any of your clothes…"

"No! They're not mine. I… Ya know those overalls and hoodie ya lost last month?"

"Yeah…? What about them?" When she doesn't get an immediate reply, she spends the walk thinking, before she yelps, "Gem! Did you steal my clothes!"

"You're my girlfriend! They're soft and they smell like you, and if you wear them again they'll smell more like you again."

"That's not the point!"

"Do you want me to fix your dress or not?!" She hesitates, then relents, puffing out her cheeks as she pouts at Gem.

"Fine… But you can't go stealing my clothes anymore, Gem! I need those!"

"No promises."

#gempearl #shiny duo #pearlgem #shinyduo #whimsys writing #tournament propaganda

[roonyxx]

The Raven: Part 8

Summary: A new threat to the world brings the boys back in action. She is big and bad, very bad. But is everything as it seems or is there more to her story?

Pairing: Dean x reader

Trope: enemies to lovers

Word count: 1501 (sorry it's a short one)

Chapter warnings: language, death, anger, confusion, tension.

A/N:  sorry it's been a while since i updated! Life got a little busy again and i struggle a lot with this story, it is complicated, we are nearing the end! hope you enjoy xxx

The Raven Masterlist

My Masterlist

Buy me a coffee

Black and nothingness, I’m falling endlessly in a void. I am not scared or in pain, I could even say I’m comfortable.

Until I’m not, hands with sharp long nails grips my arm and tugs me sideways through a tunnel with a light at the end. Images are flashing past me at a high speed, I am in those images, and so is Y/n.

I’m getting pulled towards the light so fast my body is preparing for impact.

Just before I break through that glasslike surface, I see one image of Y/n, crying and terrified holding me as I comfort her.

Why is she so sad?

I take a deep breath and start coughing, Raven turns me on my side to help me breathe.

“W-what happened?” I pant, slowly sitting up and rubbing at my chest, the ache is still there. I look at her and she looks unfazed, her sunglasses back in place and her clothes in order while my pants and underwear are still around my ankles.

Good Sammy is on his run…

“You thought of her and your mind slipped into the wrong timeline.” She looks up at me, her mouth a hard line, “Do you understand now why I say it is important why you have to push away from her.”

“But… it doesn’t happen when dream.” and I think of her often.

She stands up, holding out her hand to help me up. I take it and she tugs me up with ease.

“Because dreaming is a special state of mind. With dreams your subconscious can float away without harming your body. When you do it while awake. This happens. You die. Tug up your pants, Hunter.”

I grab them and quickly tug them up. “Wait… I-I died?”

“Yeah, just for thirteen seconds, but yes.” she turns and takes another coffee.

“What…” I get in front of her “I just died and you’re acting like it’s normal!”

She looks me down while sipping her coffee, “I did warn you, multiple times, that there would be consequences.”

“You brought me back.” I look down at my arm and see gashes on it from where she grabbed me and tugged me back from the dead.

“I did.”

“Why and how? You wouldn’t have all this trouble if I died, it would be easier for you.”

She sighs and take another piece of chocolate, “I told you before, you dying isn’t the solution. And how? I just reached into you, found your soul and yanked it back.”

“Y-you touched my soul, only angels can do that.” I say in awe.

“And me.” She says before another sip of coffee.

I look at her, at this woman, this… witch, if that’s even enough to describe her power. She’s cold and hard and mean. Yet… there is something about her that I can’t shake off.

“Or you just had a heart attack from coming to hard.” She chuckles into her mug.

“I-“ I stare at her, a blush crawling over my face when I remember what I said, “R, I’m sorry for saying that… I didn’t mean anything with it. I swear I wasn’t thinking of her.”

“I did think you were more professional. And, ” she  comes closer, touching my chest, right where that ache is and pushes a little harder, as if to hurt me, “I did expect more of the famous Dean Winchester, the womanizer. I had hoped you’d lasted longer.” She steps back and I take that hit to my ego.

“But you came” I reason.

“I asked you to break me. I am still standing, am I not?”

“I kinda got distracted with dying to keep going.” I snap back.

She hums and shrugs, “I just expected more.”

I step closer, ready to show her more, to break her, to make her a whimpering mess, but she holds up one finger.

“No no” she tsks. “Once I let you touch me, out of curiosity. Never again. This can never happen again. Understood, Hunter?” She states.

Her words sound more for herself than me, and then I remembered her jealousy of Y/n. If she’s out to hurt me, I can only return the favor.

“I understand clearly. And I mean, I really have enough with my dreams about Y/n” I grin when I see her clench her jaw. “I’ll do my best to keep my mind clear in the day but at night when I dream, I’ll enjoy it twice as much. I’ll tell you all about it tomorrow morning.” I wink at her and leave her standing in the kitchen.

It’s been a couple of days since all that happened. R and I decided it would be best to not tell Sam. It would only worry him more.

My dreams… they have changed since then. They are mixing Y/n and The Raven.

One moment I could be thrusting deep into my wife and the next I would feel long nails scratching down my back.

The worst part? I’m not hating it…

She is beautiful in a terrifying way, if that makes sense. I can’t stop thinking of her body, her pussy clenching around me so fucking tight.

She’s wearing her pj, shorts and a big shirt, not sexy by any means but on her it is. Her nipples are hard and poking through the fabric. It’s distracting as fuck.

“Stop staring at my tits, or I will rip your eyes out.” she says while going over her notes.

We just finished our morning ritual. I told her everything aside that it’s now her when I dream…

“Is that how you lost yours in your other body?” I ask.

Her body changes before my eyes and she lifts her sunglasses to look at me with those creepy empty sockets.

“You prefer this body? Stare all you want, hunter.” She continues reading her notes whilst snickering.

“Why do you have this body anyway? What is your real one?” I am curious.

“I have it because I want it. Both are.”

“So what happened to your eyes?” I wonder.

“I took them out.” she flips a few pages back in her notebook.

“Why…” I breathe out. she took them out herself? With those nails?

“None of your business” she looks up and in an instant her body is normal again, “Why are you lying to me. You’re dreaming other things.”

“What? I’m not.” I argue.

“You are a horrible liar for a hunter, how do you get anything done? Tell me what changed, think of the consequences! You want to die again?”

“I don’t!” I yell at her.

She stands, bracing her hands on the table, the exact same table I fucked her on. “Tell me the truth or I make you.”

She starts to roll her fingers when I refuse to say anything and a tickling is forming in my throat. The words are bubbling up before I can stop them.

“I dream of fucking you.” Heat immediately envelops my face.

“Ah” she says and drops her hand, followed by a muttered “shit.”

She moves away from the table and starts pacing while rubbing her face. She looks more worried than annoyed. I half expected her to laugh in my face. Why isn’t she laughing.

“You act like it’s horrible.”

“It is Dean. It’s fucked up, nothing is going as it should! I shouldn’t even be here. I should be as far away from you as possible!” she screams at me.

I frown, her mask of coldness is slipping again, she’s freaking out.

“What are you not telling me. Stop being so annoying and just tell me!”

“I can’t!” she grunts in frustration and pushes me back “It’s all your fault, you had to mess everything up and then come back and I tried to push you away but you wouldn’t let me!” she keeps pushing and pushing until she starts crying. She never cried before.

I tug her into my chest, not knowing what else to do. I hold her tight to me and stroke her back. My fault?

“I don’t understand how it is my fault.” I softly say to her.

“It’s because of your stupid face.” She mutters into my chest and I can’t help but chuckle at how cute she is now.

She sighs and pulls back to look up at me, “I can’t tell you, I wish I could but I can’t. you just have to trust me and stop thinking about-“

She gets cut off when something sounds like breaking in the warroom.

We both run out of the kitchen to see what it is. Sam is already there, helping Cas up.

“Cas!” I run to him and help Sam. Seems like he made a crash landing.

“I know what happened.” He pants and looks between me and The Raven.

She steps forward as if to stop him but Cas is faster.

Cas’s eyes fix on mine and I can see the fear in them, “What?” I demand.

“You died, Dean.”

Forever Tags 2023: @jay-and-dean @flamencodiva@chocolateheart @magssteenkamp @snowlovespie @awkward-and-indecisive @hobby27 @yvonneeeee

Dean tags 2023: @akshi8278 @brilovesdeanwinchester @mrspeacem1nusone @pink-sparkly-witch @verytoadpapersoul@eevvvaa @alwayskeepfightingsweetheart@supernatural79impala @thoughts-and-funnies

The Raven: @globetrotter28 @jerome-valeska-trash @deans-spinster-witch @sassy-pelican @jamerlynn @pallographsunspot @nancymcl

(send me an ask if you want to be removed/ added from my tags, I know it's been a while since I used them)

You can support me here if you loved it :D

#The Raven #The Raven part 8 #roonyxx #dean winchester #supernatural #dean x reader #spn fanfic #angst #dean angst

[spotsupstuff]

I figured I'd let you know I've been listening to your rain world playlists on repeat for the past few weeks

it went something like this

"oh spotsupstuff has rain world playlists? that's neat, I'll check it out I guess" scrolling through em "mm yeah this are some pretty good songs ooh yeah I like that one wow they've got pretty good taste in music--" *notices favorite song about halfway through the playlist*

"...now I obviously have to listen to this playlist just so I can hear *redacted so people don't laugh at my music taste* in the context of all of these other songs"

well. um.

But seriously, your playlists are SO GOOD?? With practically every song on there I can be like "mhmm, yup, that's a Moon song right there" or "wow this song fits with general rain world vibes really well" or "damn that one's a little on the nose haha" or even "this song would work really really well as a rw animation. someone needs to turn this song into an animation... aw screw it I'll do it"

anyway that fulfills my daily allotment of "ranting in a cool person's inbox" hope you enjoyed g'bye

side note: you've turned me into a fish in a birdcage fan. I will never forgive you for this /j

kglsdmklg thank you!!! i Am quite proud of my music taste- fuckin listenin to songs basically 24/7 every damn day, i Better have a good sense of tunes at this point JGSKLJKCD

stars, i could yap about the songs i put into the main RW playlist so much- and then the Eo playlist, while still a wip especially later on, i try to organize according to the characters And the timeline n about That i could talk so so much toooo, the main RW one doesn't have that </3

like!!!

these three are supposed to describe the whole story at large, with The Nights being there cuz i'm plagued by the vision of Euros' last call to the group before he goes dark, along to a specific tiktok choir chain version of the song

intro songs for all of the characters that either namedrop them or describe them in a way. it's mainly the namedrops, but the first two belong to Zephyr because they are an inspiration for her character. Ptáčata (translating to young bird/fledgling) is for Sparrows, not only because of the very close namedrop, but also because the song describes her as a character very well n i REALLY wanna do a lil vid for her with that song

this song is specifically for Euros and Boreas

the first song here describes Fish's attitude and the second one belongs to his colony

this is AAAAAAAAAALL Notos songs

Euros theme song, The Song that Sparrows sings to Zephyr that makes her work on her perception of the Ancients (though the finished version is wonderful, the specific version that i've thought of being in that scene is this one), Rockabye is SUCH a Sparrows' mom song it makes me feral and Beer Fear is quite really connected to Sparrows' time in school just like Want to Feel Something, with that one being mainly sung by Euros with Sparrows sometimes chiming in

and This one is specifically for Boreas and Zephyr reuniting in the void, though the specific version i think of is This one

WITH THE MAIN RW PLAYLIST i'm mostly proud of: this one

Aggressively Gourmand song

this one as Saint-time theme song/progression of the story over all

THIS IS A VERY PEBBLES SONG and nobody can convince me otherwise.

Yes, he would drink coffee. Yes, i think he'd think it tastes like shit

and then absolutely like.. all the songs I have yeeted there because of my take on Suns

(this ☝ is their theme song to me, basically. thank u shkiki)

it's all Suns, baybeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!

#Spot says stuff #rw #and GOOD. fish in a birdcage deserves the recognition. angel tango is one of my favorite ones. also sand #oh i could talk about this stuff for forever.......

[novemberthecatadmirer]

Thoughts on Elves’ Perception of Death

CW: Discussion on the topic of how people view suicide.

I have been thinking about how elves may view death.

Like when mortals die they get yote to Only-God-Knows-Where, and Morgoth took benefit of this ambiguity and made people fear death. And I can see how fear of death can benefit his goal of making everyone fucking crazy and evil.

For elves they knew where they are going: They are going to Mandos-filled-with-top-tier-tapestries to have some personal reflections and nice rest and then eventually be thrown back to the world to try (suffer) again.

My personal head canon of Mandos: It was COZY. Great fiber art. Hang out with your dead relatives. Had equivalent of televisions livestreaming all the dramas of the living world. 

Yeah there were people that were desperate to get back to their life again to continue the good fight, but they were not able to because their souls were still injured by death, or they got stopped by overworked maiar (exasperated medical workers) because they were not completely healed and “stop being difficult we do not want to see you back within a hundred of years”. But there were definitely a few people who had to be basically kicked out (“you are healed enough, we have limited spaces, and the construction team for hall expansion are fucking tired.”) 

Miriel got away by “I want to help with your wife making tapestries.” 

Namo was offended that people call his hospital jail. Yeah most people did not want to stay in hospital, but can’t you see it is necessary?

So now here is the problem. When the choice is between death (and go to elf therapy center) and torture & enslavement (being forced to serve the evil and possibly still die and go to elf therapy center, only now you need much, much more therapy), what would be the more sensible choice?

I feel Tolkien possibly had awareness of this problem, so he had this idea that elves were not allowed to suicide. Unless they get raped. That’s interesting that he thought being raped is the absolutely worst thing that could be inflicted on a person, and I still do not have much clear opinion on that. In general I think there are many awful things a person can suffer, and for many of them you cannot figure out which is awful and which is awful but not that awful. Each of them fucks you up in different ways. Thus, I cannot find myself to accept this idea as canon.

Also, even this is true, elves cannot suicide, can’t they mercy kill each other when the situation was dare?

So either elves cannot suicide at all no matter how (which is kinda contrary to canon,) or they were free to murder themselves for whatever reasons.

I find myself accept the idea that Morgoth and some of his servants had the abilities to trap people’s souls and force them to live. Basically, you do not get to stay died in Angband when you are not allowed to die. The evil had some wicked healing power, when you die they just revive you in your broken body and fix you enough for you to continue to be tortured/used by them. There was no way to escape, even through death.

(Yes, I am the person who believed Morgoth and Sauron were much more evil and awful and creative and smart than people give them credit for. I think of Morgoth as atrocities of invasion wars, and Sauron as atrocities of authoritarian governments. Morgoth provided the core concept and Sauron provided the methods.)

So, do elves view death the same way our mortals view death?

Death had been viewed as an escape for some human, even we do not know if we have an afterlife or not. No matter justified or not (and I don’t think anyone of us can judge each other’s decisions), many who committed suicide wanted a way to stop the pain they are suffering, in body or in mind or in both. Many of them did not even believe their existence would go anywhere other than fading into the void nothingness, but did the act because they just wanted to stop existing.

And elves knew there is a place waiting for them. That knowledge... Probably can be strangely comforting.

Does that make fighting to death in battles less scary? Does that make killing yourself less terrifying? Does that make killing someone else less guilt wracking because you can be delusional enough to somehow convince yourself that it is... less permanent?

Also, what does it really mean when an elf choose death over something else? Do they view death as a way out of confinement, that they see freedom in death?

I think Eol probably somehow convinced himself that he could use death as a quick escape for him, his son, and possibly his wife as a way out of the wicked city (which was apparently awful and delusional) (And my personal headcanon is he rejected Call from Mandos and became a wandering houseless spirit and got to see how things turned to shit for his son and prayed someone could come to kill and release his son from all these Noldor shit and wished he succeed in killing his son but he could do nothing because he was a bodiless spirit)

I think Maedros chose to jump the fuck down into that blasted lava pit because he did not even want an afterlife. He just wanted to stop existing and he knew he could not because he was an elf, and even the mortal cannot stop existing they just got sent to somewhere else. He was also scared of being sent to everlasting darkness. So he jumped into this shiny bright fire pit, hoped it would burn him and take away everything of him including all the sin he committed.

My headcanon for the everlasting darkness: 

It does not exist.

No, you do not go wherever you imagine after death. You either go to Mandos then get sent back to life when you are elf, or go to Mandos then get sent to Eru-knows-where when you are mortal, we don’t know what happens if you are dwarf but there is a place for you, or you reject the call and wander as a spirit and SUFFER. But you do not go to a place made up by your melodramatic father in his rage for his awful poetic oath because it does not exist.

Feanorians swore to be casted to something that did not even exist.

They did drown in everlasting darkness, metaphorically. They went there not because of their oath, but because of the things they did.

#silmarillion #the silmarillion #silm #silm headcanons #tolkien #lotr #elves #morgoth #melkor #sauron #mairon #mandos #Eol #maedhros #feanorians #sons of feanor

[charmedreincarnation]

Hi! You cannot imagine how excited I am right now. Some time ago, I imagined that people would enter a void after death, and if they wanted to, they could restart their lives. I don't know why I was so convinced of this idea, but I believe that it makes sense. However, I won't try to enter the void by dying, so this idea just stays in my heart. I never expected to manifest a world with you and your friend's story in it. I just discovered the article you wrote about your friend, which is a perfect example that confirms my belief. I am truly ecstatic and grateful to have met you. Thank you! By the way, I used ChatGPT for translation since English is not my native language. If there are any mistakes, please forgive me.

Awe I’m glad !!! And yes I am not and will never advocate for trying to end your life to enter the void ! I didn’t realize some people may interpret that way so I might delete it now that you point it out 😭 but I’m glad it delivers you some relief :)! And no worries English is not the only language, and good because all languages are beautiful. I would translate it back to you if you told me what your native one was 💗

And what a great mentality, I never thought abt it like that. you did manifest a world like this to confirm your beliefs, and im glad you have found your answer 🫶

#law of assumption #manifesation #void state #manifesting

[clumsiestgiantess]

Well damn, this story won the poll by a LOT huh?  I don’t think you know what you’re getting yourselves into.  (Tbh I don’t know either)  Prepare yourselves for this one, because things get rough.

Guess what?  I got another night without a single ounce of sleep.  Honestly, I’m not at all surprised.  I could constantly hear Casey breathing a bit too loudly, rustling their sheets, and generally just existing.  It’s hard to ignore someone so much bigger than me, even when I want to.  Getting up the following day was hard nonetheless.  It’s like my body wanted just enough rest to lay down, but not enough for sleep.  The early morning light that filtered through the window simultaneously filled me with a sense of relief and dread.  I begged for everything to have been a dream, but if it is, then I guess I haven’t woken up yet.  

Casey finally got up and wandered over to the shelf.  I haven’t left it since the moment I was dragged over here yesterday.  My bed had been spared the cataclysmic destruction with the trophy, so Casey dragged it out and I slept right here.  There’s only one way to get down from this shelf: in Casey’s hands.  I don’t particularly feel like ever being manhandled again, but I think I might have to.  It might be months before Casey can get a flight.  The thought of staying here more than a few days is enough to make my stomach churn again, but I know it’ll be longer than that.

“Good morning,” they greeted me tiredly, “Did you get any sleep?”  I shook my head.  “Yeah, me neither.”  An awkward silence filled the room.  “Should I get you some coffee?”  Slowly, my thoughts chugged through my brain at a bit of a faster pace.  I suspect I’ll pass out soon if I don’t get something into my system, even if I am feeling sick.  “Yes, please.  Some breakfast too.  And I’d..  I’d like to come with you,” I added awkwardly.  “You mean…”  Casey opened up their hands.  I took a few hesitant steps forward.  “I.. can’t live on a shelf the entire time I stay here.  As much as I’d be more comfortable, I need a bit of autonomy, and I’d like to be able to get around your apartment at the very least.”  Casey nodded, their expression dimming slightly.  “Of course, I mean.. I’m not trying to take that away from you.”  But they did.  I kept that thought to myself, though.

“So how do I-  Do I just.. pick you up, or…?”  Their hand lifted into view, fingers already outstretched towards me.  I stumbled backwards, falling onto my bed.  “No, no!  H- Hold your hand out or something!  Autonomy, remember?”  “R- Right, yeah.”  As Casey’s hand came to rest palm-up on the shelf, I couldn’t help but wonder if I would still feel this small if the cabin had belonged to one of my friends — someone I knew, someone I trusted.  If only this had happened around someone I would actually want to let hold me.

In small cautious steps, I came up beside Casey’s massive fingers, as thick around as my torso.  Just a finger or two alone would be enough to hurt me in a myriad of ways, but I tried to take my mind off that disturbing fact.  I came to rest on my knees in Casey’s palm, glancing back at them worriedly.  Their hand lifted away into the air and I instinctively reached out and held the nearest finger tightly to my chest, scared that I would somehow tumble off the sheer drop if I didn’t hold on to something.  The view was awful.  Everything was blurry with motion, way too high up, and way too far away.  I sat staring down at the creased skin beneath me, taking deep breaths to calm myself down so I wouldn’t vomit again.

Eventually, Casey’s hand stopped moving.  I chanced a peek upwards and found that we’d made it to the kitchen.  It was small in comparison to the apartment, but still gigantic to me.  How tiny even am I?  “Alright, let’s see…”  I got off quickly, not wanting to be in their grasp any longer than I had to.  Casey stepped away into the large void of a room as though it were nothing; I couldn’t help but envy them.  Anger came bubbling back up again as I remembered who’s fault this was in the first place, but it wouldn’t help me to start yelling at them, so I stayed quiet.  The click of a toaster being set rang through the air much louder than I expected, though it shouldn’t have come as a shock to me.  

Before long, I had a toasted slice of bread laying on a plate before me, torn up into smaller bits by Casey.  I lost my appetite for a few moments as I stared at the shredded pieces.  You do that for little children — animals, even — not a functioning adult.  Can I really consider myself a functioning adult anymore?  I don’t have the means to do much of anything for myself.  Hell, I can’t even get across the apartment without someone carrying me!  I have a feeling that the next few months, or however long this pit stop will take, are going to be great.

And by great, I mean horrible in every aspect of the word.  Firstly, I never went anywhere.  I sat in the same goddamn apartment day in and day out.  Most of the time I stayed on the shelf, but on occasion I would sit on the windowsill to people watch from above or sit on the couch to watch tv.  But people watching depresses me after a while, knowing the height I have is nothing but a simple illusion from the height of the building, not myself.  And the tv sometimes becomes a bit too much for me to process at the scale I am.  

Only once did I try to sneak into Casey’s bag to get a bit of fresh air.  Motion sickness wasn’t that much of a problem, since I couldn’t see anything.  The problem, like most things, was Casey.  They’d reached in their bag blindly, fingers roughly brushing my side as they searched for something.  Casey screamed so loudly at my unexpected presence that my ears rang for a few seconds afterward.  I could only imagine how many people were staring at them.  I was zipped up and hid in a suffocating dark pocket for the rest of the journey.  From then on, they started checking their bag before they left, and gave me a long talk once we got back to the apartment.  I didn’t listen to a word of it.  I just don’t think it’s fair.

Even when I’m content to stay where I am, Casey still makes things hard for me.  They constantly neglect to let me choose to move, myself.  I’d be minding my own business and Casy would come along and just.. pick me up — moving me to wherever was convenient for them.  I couldn’t even react the first time they did it because I was too baffled.  I’ve tried explaining how awful it feels to be moved without warning, almost like an object rather than another human being.  All Casey did was shake their head and tell me that I am, in fact, a person.  I know that.  That isn’t the problem.  They’re the one who seems to ignore it.

Then there are the horrible accommodations.  Thankfully I have my bed from the cabin, even if it’s a bit less comfortable with the weird oversized fabric texture, it’s still my own scale.  Other than that, I had nothing but two thimbles placed in the back corner of the shelf, blocked from view by the dilapidated cabin.  One was filled with water, the other halfway filled with water.  One for drinking, one for using the bathroom.  It’s humiliating, but also the only thing I have.

The thimbles are both supposed to be emptied and refilled every day, but as time went by and our living situation became more mundane, Casey started forgetting.  And it wasn’t just those they’d forgotten.  I’ve had to remind them to let me shower every so often, because that required them to be around so they could get me around and set stuff up for me, but not actually stay in the bathroom.  That’s not even the worst part.  Sometimes Casey leaves for an early shift at work or an early class, and forgets to feed me.  We’d made a system just so they could leave food out for me, but there were times when Casey was seemingly too busy to bother with it.  Think about that for a second.  I miss two, sometimes three meals all because my dumbass giant ‘roommate’ keeps forgetting to give me food!  They’re literally starving me!  By accident!  Like a fucking animal!  Of course, Casey gets all apologetic and teary-eyed when I yell at them for it, but apologies don’t work when it keeps happening every week or so.

I’m sick — physically, mentally, and emotionally — of being here.  Surely there has to be someone out there who will treat me better than this; maybe even a few someones.  I’ll never know.  I’ve been banned from the outside after my first attempt to get out.  It’s not that Casey’s a bad person, though.  As much as I’d like to believe there are people who will treat me better, I know there are people who will treat me so much worse.  The worst things Casey’s done are only by accident.  They still try to make things better for me.  They’ve taken me to the rooftop a few times to be outdoors in relative secrecy.  I always get my choice of food — no matter the cost — if Casey does forget about my meal.  And despite the sometimes jarring way I get picked up and held and carried around, Casey’s grip had never once been harmful to me.  

Still, I want to go home.  I want my height back.  I want my actual life back.  I want to yell and scream and curse Casey out on a regular basis.  I can’t live life like this.  I’m really scared I might have to.  It’s.. getting harder to think about.  Even when I let myself be angry, I’ve found that it’s starting to make things worse.  Casey is one of the most easygoing people I’ve ever met; a little too easygoing in some situations.  But I can only lose my temper on them so many times before they snap.  

Three months into life in giant hell, I was complaining about the length of my stay for the umpteenth time.  “You can’t keep treating me like this!  You said you'd take me home!  Was that a lie?!  How much longer is this going to take?!”  I expected them to apologize again, or pull out the jar of funds and explain once more that there was only so much money they could put aside for me.  That night, I wasn’t met with what I expected.  

Casey decided to ignore me.  In my fury, I began kicking small things off the desk where I stood and where Casey was working.  My antics went on for a few minutes until I turned to find something more breakable.  Gigantic fingers wrapped around my sides while my back was turned, forcing my arms down.  A shriek tore out of my throat.  For the first time, I could feel my body tensing with pain as their grip slowly squeezed the air from my lungs.  My shriek ended in a wheeze as I gasped for air.

“Stop.”  That was all they said.  A warning.  Then Casey released me.  I probably should’ve listened to the warning.  “What the hell is wrong with you?!” I asked between heavy breaths, “You could’ve killed me, shit-for-brains!”  Casey gave me an unfriendly glare and turned away from me.  I really shouldn’t have pushed them after that; it was the angriest I’d ever seen them.  Instead, I stormed over to an empty coffee mug and shoved it until it slid over the desk’s edge.  The sound of shattering porcelain caused Casey to whirl right back around.  I could hear my words without feeling them leave my lips.  “Now, will you listen to me?”

In a movement too fast for me to process, I was pressed tightly into a fisted hand.  I cried apologies as I felt them stand up, mind diving into animalistic blindness.  I thought they would crush me into pulp, I thought they would drop me from so high up that I’d tear into pieces upon hitting the floor, I thought they might rip me apart in a vengeful ferocity, I thought-  Suddenly, I was roughly deposited onto my shelf.  I rushed backwards, diving headlong into the destruction in a desperate attempt to hide.  Casey’s gaze bored into me the whole time, staring right at me through shards of rubble.  

“I’m tired of you annoying me about this every fucking day,” they told me in a monotone that frightened me more than any angry yelling might’ve.  “I’m doing the best I can for you without losing my job, my apartment, or my friends.  I don’t have to help you.  Keep asking me about the funds, and I’ll use them to buy myself something nice instead.”

That was the last time I tried telling them about anything else.

The weekend after my birthday, Casey was kind enough to let me go out somewhere interesting.  Albeit it was after my birthday, when I cried for several hours straight because I was incredibly disheartened and homesick.  Yeah, what a way to spend the day.  Anyway, I got to tag along with Casey to a pier at the oceanfront a few hours away.  It's been so long since I’ve been anywhere that I’m not even nervous about it.  Casey wore a spacious backpack with the zipper only halfway drawn so I could easily see outside without someone easily looking inside and noticing me.  We browsed a few stores, and had lunch at a diner right on the beach.  I had to stay in the backpack, of course, but my meal was secretly stashed inside for me the moment the waitress left the table.

For the first time in a while, I didn’t feel at least a little bit miserable.  We sat on the beach for a bit to digest after our meal.  Casey made a little hideout out of sand for me, which was actually pretty cool.  We’ve been on much nicer terms since I’ve stopped asking them when I can go home.

After a good half hour of messing around on the beach, we hit the stores again, making our way to the very end of the long boardwalk.  On the way back, we didn’t bother stopping anywhere else since we’d already been everywhere in the opposite direction.  Plus, the slit in the backpack is facing the wrong way now.  However, something caught my eye on the ocean side of the pier.  On a stand with a slowly rotating rack for jewelry, sat tiny delicate creatures made of glass.  I don’t know what it is about them, but I think I really want one.  Someone walked directly in front of my view, so I leaned against the outside wall, straining to catch a glimpse of the glittering trinkets.  

ZZZPP  The zipper slid open with my added weight on it, throwing the slit in the side wide open.  I tumbled out of the gap, hitting the ground with such force that I couldn’t breathe or see for a moment.  Searing pain ricocheted down my leg where I landed.  When my vision did return, I found myself in the center of the boardwalk, completely exposed to the gigantic world around me.

“CASEY!  CASEY!!!”  I screamed as loud as I could, but the pier was packed and the crowd was overwhelmingly louder than my voice.  Though I was on my feet running at full speed after them, I couldn’t catch up.  Soon, I’d lost sight of them completely.  Did I really have to peer so far out of Casey’s backpack?  I guess I’m lucky I didn’t die when I hit the ground.  However, I’m still far from safe.  My leg is already beginning to swell after how roughly I landed on it, and the throbbing makes my muscles tense the second I put any weight on them.  Nevermind the various bleeding scratches I got when I hit the wooden boardwalk.

THUD  A massive foot came down about an inch away from where I stood.  I cried out in alarm, hobbling out of the way as fast as I could go.  The pain in my leg kept causing me to trip, only making it worse.  By the time I managed to get to the side of the pier, I had broken out into a cold sweat, sending shivers across my body though it was blazingly hot outside.  I panted, gripping the base of the thick metal railing that separated the boardwalk from the beach.  Everything hurts so much.  My muscles burn from trying to run, and my head is pounding dully without a single drink of water.

“Could this possibly get any-”  I stopped myself before completing that question.  Every fucking time someone asks that question, something bad happens.  But I guess you don’t even have to finish the question for it to work its magic.  A seagull landed on the railing rung above me.  It cocked its head, beady black eyes staring blankly at me from above.  I threw my hands over my ears as it let out a hideously loud screech that sounded almost like mocking laughter.  The board beneath me creaked as the bird alighted right beside me.  “Shoo!” I cried, “Get out of here, loudmouth!  I don’t have any food!  Go find someone else to harass!”  The seagull didn’t take my yelling very well.  I yelped as a beak about the size of my body pecked at me.  

I fully expected the dumb bird to fly away after I yelled at it, so I couldn’t even dodge it in time.  Searing pain shot through my arm and a pained yelp escaped my throat.  A long bloody gash sliced down my forearm where the seagull had attacked me.  Suddenly terrified, I fled down the boardwalk, the bird following right behind me in a half-waddle half-flap.  I gripped my arm tightly as blood leaked out, spattering the wood below.  It hadn’t occurred to me that the food the seagull was looking for was me.

My head got foggier the further I ran.  I’m not even sure if the seagull is still behind me or not, but if I stop to check, I might end up dead.  I was so out of it, that when I recognized someone in the crowd, I assumed I was hallucinating.  Finally, when I felt dangerously close to passing out, I stopped and searched the boardwalk again.  Sure enough, Rey Harrison wandered through the middle of the throng, coming to rest on the railing a few excruciatingly long feet away from me.  

Rey and I have been together for years.  Not together together, just.. in close proximity.  We met in my sophomore year of high school, and I was immediately head over heels in love.  However, when I confessed that to him after re-meeting him in college, he awkwardly told me he only thought of me as a good friend.  I was angry, but I couldn’t really be angry at him.  It was his preference; I couldn’t be mad at him for that.

Relief flooded through me so literally I started crying.  I stumbled towards him slowly.  I didn’t have the energy to go any faster.  Collapsing at his feet, I took a shaking breath and started screaming his name.  He stepped back suddenly and my heart flew into my throat.  I braced myself for him to accidentally step on me, or walk away completely unaware that I’m here.  “D- Dani?”  Rey quickly turned around, scanning the crowd behind him.  His shoes came dangerously close to me.  “Rey!” I practically sobbed, “I’m down here!  Just look down!”  To my horror, he backed up.  The sole of his sneaker blocked out the sun as it drifted over me.  I shrieked, bracing myself for the worst.  It hovered right over my head, then flinched back upwards, thudding down further away.

“Dani?!”  I cautiously peered up and found his beautiful gold-flecked brown eyes staring down at me.  His hand reached for me, but froze as I flinched away from it.  I’m so used to Casey haphazardly grabbing me.  He isn’t Casey, though.  Moments later, I stumbled into his outstretched hand, hugging his thumb close.  There are so many things I want to tell him, but all I can do is sob.  

Everything was blissfully still for a moment, then I felt fingers pressing in around me.  I yelped as his index finger brushed my forearm.  “Oh shit!  Dani you’re- you’re bleeding!  How did..  What happened to you?!”  Again, all I could do was whimper as he lifted me to standing height.  His movements are so dizzying, I can’t see a thing.  “Dani?  Dani!”  The next thing I know, my head slipped into darkness.

#have a cliffhanger :) #g/t #giant tiny #writing stuff

[chaoticgeminate]

Kinktober 2022 - Chapter Thirty One

Pairing: Javi Gutierrez x f!Reader

Rating: Explicit (If that was not entirely clear)

Series Summary: You’re a fanfiction writer turned novelist, which was great since it was the path you wanted your writing to take you down in life. What you never thought would happen was meeting the Javier Gutierrez, who you actively write smutty fanfiction about from his film with Nic Cage, and you especially didn’t expect him to have a crush on you.

Fast forward several months of dating, with a good chunk of your relationship being distance due to his constant traveling and having to go home to Mallorca, when he surprises you with a prompt list and a vacation planned around exploring it.

You haven’t even worked up the nerve to tell him about what you write and post to Tumblr about him as a character yet.

Notes: Going to be using prompts from @the-purity-pen for my meta as hell indulgence! There are feelings in this (I have no idea how they got there) and I may end up removing some possible chapters here and there depending on how I’m feeling, I apologize in advance if that happens because my brain is super mean sometimes.

Possible Warnings: Squirting, toys (butt plug), fooling around between trick or treaters (not advised EVER under any real circumstances this is FICTION for a reason), unprotected PiV

Free Choice - Toys (1.5k)

Underestimating Javi’s ability to source things was something you still found yourself dressed as Sally while Javi adjusted his bat bowtie, you’d chosen to forgo the full make-up and instead used eye pencil to draw the stitch lines on your skin and put on the shockingly bright red wig that looked like it was made from thread rather than synthetic hair. Red lipstick completed your look and you turned to see study your fiancé again; he’d gone full white make-up with dark black rings around his eyes with the extended lines at his lips, and since so much of his blazer was open, he’d made sure to bring the white all the way down.

Javi left his hair alone, the shape of his facial hair standing out under the white make-up, but otherwise he’d done a good job with the coverage of it. Your apartment had been decked out in a last-minute explosion of decorations, red shiny garland with fake cobwebs strung between candy canes lined your entryway where the door was left open to allow people inside.

Using command hooks to attach them to the wall you had Christmas lights fixed in place but in the shape of spider webs, it had taken ages to get them to not only work but stay where you wanted them to, and everything of value was already stashed away while the television had a horror ambiance soundtrack playing and Javi finished putting up the last of the fake cobwebs.

With the lights off and the only lighting coming from the Christmas lights your apartment looked like a void zone of Halloween and Christmas, the mini projectors with the ghosts from Nightmare Before Christmas on the walls added to the last-minute décor and you loved all of it.

All night you got compliments from parents, awed remarks from kids, and between groups you and Javi teased each other or talked depending on what door In the building the next group of kids were at.

“Solecita it is hardly 4 are you sure the kids will be showing up?” “Yes, Javi, they’ve been starting the Trick or Treating earlier and earlier.”

“Did you see the Transformer costume? He was such a cool little Bumblebee!” “Perhaps next year we should aspire to go grandiose, mi amor, I could have fun planning a large event at the olive grove.”

“Fuck- Javi they’re next door.” “You were so close, Solecita, lo siento.” “Gloves on, Skeleton King.”

“Is someone upset?” “You are a wicked tease, when you said you wanted to see how good the lipstick looked on me I thought you meant-“ “Well you’re wearing white make up Javi, only choice to indulge would be to shade check in other places and there are children coming in and out.”

“I want one.” “Solecita-“ “She was so cute, Javi!” “I am allergic, but we could get a dog?” “Okay, that’s fair.”

When the last of the candy was gone -your custom modified Christmas chocolate mixed with Halloween treats proving to be a big hit- you and Javi put the sign up on the door saying you were out before deciding clean up would happen tomorrow. Heading right for your too small bathroom together, though Javi went to the sink first to get as much of the white makeup off as he could before he got under the water stream.

You were nearly done and getting out, since the shower was barely able to fit him comfortably on his own, and Javi caught your hand to pull you in for a searing kiss first.

Focusing more on drying than dressing, since there was little point, you felt a little tremor of excitement shoot through you at wondering how Javi would react to your surprise. It had been fun to slip away during set-up to get a plug in, how he hadn’t noticed when he’d slipped his hand up your dress between groups you would never know, but it meant more fun for you when he find it.

A rather fun idea made you giggle and lay back on the  so you were propped on the pillows, moaning softly when you began to let one hand glide down your body. The soft touch made you shiver as you imagined him hearing you and rushing through the rest of his shower, wondering if he would surrender control it take it.

Your next breathy sound was louder, loud enough that he definitely heard you since the water cut off.

“Solecita, what do you think you are you doing?”

His tone was sharp and deep, you looked up at him through hooded eyes as he stood in the doorway. You met his stare with a look of defiance and whimpered as you slipped your fingers down through your folds, earning a small sound not unlike a growl from him as he watched you part your lips for him. Letting him see how wet you were, see the shine of your arousal as it leaked down your slit.

His nostrils flared when your hips rolled up, as you circled your clit, and Javi crossed the room in maybe three strides to snatch your hand away from your body and roll you over onto your stomach. You felt him discover the plug, the way he gasped out a soft “bebita” before he was picking your hips up and pressing your upper body into the mattress, and since the last time you were in this position he had been driving into you with the intent to breed you… you clenched around nothing with a whine.

“Javi-“

“Look at you. So wet already, but you seemed happy to take care of yourself. You even have something to fill you here.” He pressed against the base of the plug, making you try to rock back for more of the sensation.

“Wanted t’ surprise you-“

“Oh, I am surprised, bebita. But I don’t want to interrupt your fun, I just wanted a better view. Go ahead, make yourself cum.”

He grabbed your hand, the one he’d pulled away, and lifted it to cup your pussy, urging you to continue what you were doing; your desperate little whine and the way your hand slipped through your folds with a wet sound had your knees widening as you rocked down against the press of your fingers.

Javi watched you touch yourself, and you could feel how close he was to you by his breath on your skin, the soft kisses to the backs of your thighs and the breathy little curses he was breathing against your skin when you would dip your fingers into your body to make sure you showed him just how wet and ready you were for him.

It was only when you were so close to that peak, when your breathing was erratic and you could feel it right there, that he slid his cock home; the fullness you felt of him and the plug was so much and you felt the hot rush of your orgasm soak him and your legs and definitely the sheets below. Javi didn’t even last two full thrusts before he was filling you, just as overwhelmed as you were feeling, and the two of you were left panting hard as your body trembled from the sensations.

“Fuck, you were so tight and wet- I couldn’t stop myself if I tried. Bebita, can you handle more?”

“Always, mi prometido.”

He grinned when you looked over your shoulder at him and when he moved again, he did it in a way that let him close his left hand over yours, allowing you to see your rings beside each other and catching the low lighting of your bedside lamp, and Javi pressed a kiss to the corner of your mouth.

“Be careful, mi prometida, I am a greedy man.”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”

He chuckled in your ear and ground himself inside of you, making you whimper.

“You can believe that I will keep all of my promises, Solecita, starting with the most important one of all. I promise to love you and be by your side from now until the end of eternity.”

He was such a fucking romantic, even buried in you like this, and you loved him so much for it.

“I promise to support you and love you and do anything in my power to make sure you have a reason to smile by my side, from now until eternity.”

Javi whimpered, a broken sound, and the tender way he rocked into you as he draped himself more onto your body was so all encompassing and perfect and you made sure he knew it.

“So good to me, Javi.” “Feels so amazing, the way you love me is always what I need.”

“You’re a good man cariño, I love you with all that I am.”

Javi’s choked off whimper in your shoulder, the feeling of his body going rigid and his balls drawing up, made you sure that for the rest of your lives and the rest of your eternity you would make sure he knew just how much you loved him and how glad you were that he had found you.

All Fics Taglist: @hardc0rehaylz @wordsnwhiskey @pagannightwitch @radiowallet @musings-of-a-rose @amneris21 @trickstersp8 @practicalghost @rominaszh @alwaysdjarin @alexxavicry @all-the-way-down-here

Just Pedro Taglist: @maievdenoir @beecastle @littlemisspascal @writeforfandoms @AynsleyWalker @lovesbiggerthanpride @mswarriorbabe80

Alt Taglist: @imtryingmybeskar @fan-of-encouragement @grogusmum @sizzlingcloudmentality @deadhumourist @prostitute-robot-from-the-future

Kinktober Only: @nicolethered @katareyoudrilling

#kinktober 2022 #javi g x reader #javi g x f!reader #javi gutierrez x f!reader #cw smut #cw toys #cw butt plug #cw piv #cw semi public #chaoticwrites

[derekscorner]

KH Fandom Miscommunication

Come, sit, let’s have a serious look over this. Don’t you find it jarring that a series based in Disney magic only ever spawns talks of echoed opinions or fierce talks of hate?

We all have fell pray to it and I’d go as far as to say I’ve had a very bad stint in it in previous years. You can’t say you like something without a swarm of hate on why you’re wrong nor can you criticize it’s writing without being told you’re wrong.

And before someone takes time to screenshot an old post of me during my awful faze or one of my meme/jokey posts let’s just take a moment to sit and really think about this conundrum.

I criticize KH all the time yet I keep posting things because most of my longer posts are a critical talk about why I dislike something. I don’t generally expect responses but I still throw them into the void to get them off my mind. (like this one)

When I do this I rarely get responses and when I do it’s just short echoed replies or just simple replies about why I am wrong. Which some topics dont really leave room for longer responses but the point is I dont usually see people on any site give a genuine answer from critical thought.

For example, if I asked you why you liked KH Days or it’s leads I’ll usually get a response of some sort of head-canon. If I’m lucky, a short response like “I find them cute and/or tragic”.

To some extent that simple feeling is fine as an answer but if someone is going to debate with me (because subjective does not seem to exist in the fandom vocabulary) don’t tell me you think they’re expertly written because of what ideals you push onto that character.

The most recent example was someone trying to discuss with me what sexuality they put on Xion which baffled me. I wont name the person, they were just being nice, but this idea still baffled me. Why? Because:

1) Xion has the body of a 14 year old with the mental experience of one year.

Her initial body didn’t even have a true face. So it’s very hard for me to imagine she’d have any semblance of that aspect of life figured out. One day she might but I highly doubt she does at this moment in time.

She’s lucky she even got a body back to experience life beyond her initial year.

2) When I ask what you like about so and so from Kingdom Hearts I want to know what, within the written story, that this character experienced, made you think that way.

Head-canon, lord forbid fanon, is something we all have but what you saw online or added in your head isn’t from the actual story. It’s not a factor when giving critical thought to the writing.

Even I will reblog Xion fan art or manga panels despite hating the DS game Days because the manga and artists add something the games do not. It’s drawn/done well and I’ll reblog it but that won’t be a positive point I add to my view of the game itself.

3) And the final issue this causes is admission. You’re telling me that you only liked this thing after adding ideas you liked to that thing.

That’s an indirect admission on your part, to me, that your initial take on the story wasn’t as positive as you remember it. You’re having to support your opinion with added fluff not found in that story to begin with.

The best example of this is Terra. I’ll make jokes but at the end of the day Terra and the BBS cast is given writing that makes their intelligence questionable.

Yes, you can infer or speculate that Terra’s trusting nature is due to his sheltered life but Terra himself never hints this. The writing doesn’t have to tell me verbatim that he is too trusting. If anything show is better than telling but do keep in mind that the story lacking this nuance is what adds to the “terra is stupid” view.

His initial mistake with Maleficent is understandable. That’s the first mission. It’s entirely possible he’s naïve but I won’t get that impression when Terra rarely feels like he learns from his misadventures.

And this is me giving a realistic look at Terra. I can’t speak highly of his middle story but his initial mistake and the death of Eraqus are two aspects in his story that’s actually done decent and makes his actions shortly after believable.

The Issue

If you’re still reading then you likely think I’ve rambled into a tangent but no. I mentioned these things because that’s something I expect to see when I hear someone telling me why they love or hate something KH related.

You think I’m wrong about Terra? Okay then tell me why based on what you saw in BBS. I may not agree but I’ll respect critical thinking. 

You think I’m right about Xion? Fine, tell me why you agree. Don’t just respond with “lol Nomura sucks ass remove him from office”. I may not necessarily disagree with your sentiment but I will not accept that as a point about why you, or me, are right about Xion compared to someone who likes her character.

Saying “nomura sucks” doesn’t tell me why you disliked Xion. I can tell you why I didn’t in long or short form but it’ll be based on the Days game I experienced. I will also always end any Xion criticism (a serious one mind you) with the undertone that I liked the manga.

I genuinely love the personality and humor the Kh manga gives the cast because I feel the games and their writing do not add the same level of humanity to them. This does not make my issues with the game writing better but rather gives me an example of how good it could be.

And I expect this civil thought in turn. If you want to joke I’ll shoot the shit with you all day but if you’re wanting a serious talk you’ll find yourself muted or losing my participation the moment you drop some tribalism like “it sucks and you’re wrong because Nomura sucks” or “you’re wrong. you’re just a hater that should quit playing the game if you hate it”.

Such responses aren’t responses. What they are is childish anger because you feel personally slighted. Acting this way doesn’t fix anything and it’ll only pollute the area you hoped to discuss it with others in.

You can’t even say “Kingdom Hearts” on twitter or a forum without a flood of why Kh3 was written by God himself or why it was so bad it should cost an old Japanese man his job.

Worse, you risk the chance of running away everyone but the five who agree with every word you say which doesn’t help you grow as a person. That just builds a bucket that you’re shouting into and hearing your echo shout back.

It’s all sad to watch and it’s even sadder knowing I was no better for it ages back. I even risk it now because I genuinely get annoyed when any level of thought is brushed off by someone just saying I hate so and so and replying constantly hoping for a conflict.

We all fall victim to it and it is just so very sad....it also makes me wonder if our generation and later is losing the capacity for critical thought thanks to social media and the internet but that’s a topic all it’s own.

Bye now. 8D

#kingdom hearts #kh3 #kh4 #kingdom hearts missing link #khtangent

[kevmania]

MINDNOTES #1

HELLO I AM HAVING A GREAT TIME RIGHT NOW AND I AM ON ONE F MY OTHER ANOTHER EPISODES WHERE I AM VERY EXCITED AND ELEVATED AND HAPPY SO I TELL ALL GREAT NOTES OF MY MIND@!!!!!!!

okok so i was just rewatching borat because that movie always makes me laughHAAHH very funny and it makes me smile but then again i wish borat wouldve never went after pamela like WHAT is the point why is it always a love interest as the goddamn goal???? although i found it very funny when he tried to kidnap her very nice! HBHJABHJB!! s os  soi ... hm... well i have noticed that my mind has been ac wait acting up LATELY AND BASICALLLLLLYYY i have found out nNO NO i HAVE realized and recognized that my mind has been having trouble making differenence between fictiona nd reals OH MY GOD> fiction and reality. im having trouble deciphering them. like i cant tell the difference sometimes. and what i mean by that, i mean im having trouble with my dreams and reality. i dream of something or a have one of my elaborate day dreams and i think its actually happened. and i know this happens when im tired but i mean i now think of these in the middle of the day and i just take it as the real thing BUT WAIT there is more. basically, sometimes i just receive information from literally no where... i just have the memory like when i think of a dream i had I KNOW it was a dream BUT NOWADAYS i cant tell.. like usually i can tell if that memory is from a dream but now I CANT.. so now i cant really trust myself.. hm.. but anyways.... I WAS THIKING::; GODDAMMIT I HATE HAVING TRICHOTILLOMANIA AND BASICALLY that means i have issues with tearing or RIPPING out my own hair although my issue is a bit more risky due to me ripping out my damn EYE LASHES and so now i fear getting a retinal detachment? i think thats whats its called i cant remember i saw it somewhere OHB AHABHABHJA THERES GREAT THING I MUST SAy and basically me and friend in 4th grade made up are own little slang in wich friction=sex and we thought that was FUNNNNNYYYY AHAHAHAHAHA it still makes me smile mwhheheheheheheh..... hm. ok i think my hyperness is wearing off... aw man.. hm........ well the weather has been nice, huh? NOT! very crappy but i do not care. i was thinking about the future and i thought HEY! what will i bewhen im older? a prostitue? and so that also reminded me that of antinatalism which i very much enjoy!!! it intrigues me very much and basically i think and i probably wait i mean HOLD ON.............................. ok so yeah i may be an antinatalist.... yes ... sounds right... BUT I CANT BE SURE>>> i almost read the entire wikipedia page for it and its all fun but i was reading it in class when we were suppose to be reading something else but what we were assigned was very boring so i just read it instead but i kept falling asleep cuz its 1st hour, duh!!! but i read it previosuly and i was just trying to work my memory again i dunno.. and so like yeah. where do we go when we die?? well i am a realist so obviosuly we go back to the void BUT what if we do go to heaven? hmm.. well i bet its boring.. and hell? must be boring too... but i would also like the idea of reincarnation which i have been thinking of for a very long time since i was a wee lad and i believe it and i always thought of being reborn as a bunny but i really dont want to be reborn again... cuz i dont like living but! im not suicidal, only on sundays.. OH EYAH! that reminds me i was sent to teh counselors office for searching up a gg allin song HAAHAHHA it was so sfunny!!!! s i acted really cocky with the counselor and then i was reminded of my inner misogyny.. and yes.... i did have issues with misogyny.. uh huh... internalized, really. but i am trying not to be such an ass about it. i dont feel like that anyway.. only on sundays. OH YEAH>>>> wait nevermind. hm. what was i talking about.. OH YEAH so i truly believe i was never suppose to be born, so what does jesus or god or whatever do about the children who were accidents? thats right. he does nothing about them... so im kinda alone i guess... WELL IM USED TO THAT!!!! maybe thats why i am not blessed and have been a very unlucky person?? well.. i dunno. i guess yeah. im not very lucky. but im fine with that. AND I DUNNO ABOUT U GUYS but when someone confesses they like you it just disgusts me.. it feels violating.. gives me a horrible sick feeling in me. im saying this because last time i was confessed to which was last year i thought about killing myself for a week straight i think and became really self conscious of myself and i was all like: EWW YUCK HOW>??? i was pissed off for about.. hmm 5 months after the event?? took me a while for myself to become less hostile to that person. now we are good friend but every now and then the feelings come back and i think of killing them.. hey confessor if u see this SORRY!!!! but anyways speaking of killing i have realized.. hmm.. im not as violent as i used to be. you see when i was a very little wee lad i was very much fixated on the idea to kill small animals, and that immediatley gies the m=imp IMPRESSION that i ama  sociopath but you are wrong. i think i was just way more disturbed back then. i was like 6-7 years old dont blame me. but when i did get my hands on that bird.. heehhe well i kidnapped it and i dont remember but i did partake in throwng it.. i dont know why. i tried to care for it but it died. i really wanted to squeeze its body and stuff.. glad i didnt. rest in peace little bird. hmm.. but I GUESS i was partake and partook in too and parred with punching my friends sometimes BUT ONLYclose close friends. wich i i do not see anymore. .. .  sad.... my friend.. WIAT WIAY i just remebered hat got me to watch borat in the first place!!! it was when i was at the thrift store and i saw him!! my beloved borat and it hought he was sooo cute like a little puppy but father said not to watch it so i was like... oh..okay.... its good though because my virgin eyes could not handle borat in blu-ray quality. NOT! it wasnt a blu-ray. wait i had another idea. its fading..... hm.. well okay.. i think im done. i love the smell of weed... but only the aged smell... its wonderful. ever since kindergarten i was hooked. and thats not an exaggeration. 

#sorry i have a lot to say

[laure69]

The beginning

TW: Hi I don’t recommend reading this if you are sensitive to the following topics: Dysfunctional eating, Depression/Bipolar depression, abusive, assault, and self-harm

Btw I posted this because if anyone has gone through any of these your not alone :).

July 26, 2022

       Hi, so this was a journal about my depression, anxiety, and whatever else you can imagine. I don’t intend on sharing this however, one day I just might. This is just a little thing for me to write and help get out of my system. But basically, depression for me was just this little brick that was weighing down my shoulders, making me unable to do basic things ex; showering, brushing my teeth, getting out of bed, etc. Thankfully, it didn’t get as bad as were I didn’t shower for days or didn’t brush my teeth for days. It was an occasional thing. Yes, there were worse parts to it but we will get into that later. Depression changed me as a person plus, I had anxiety on my ass making me have little thoughts in my head and they certainly weren’t positive. But again, we will get into that later.

When I got depressed I felt nothing, your heart feels empty as if it was a void you feel nothing at all. Being happy is impossible unless something really good happens. Then, I met my friends who made me feel so happy I can’t even describe it. They made me feel good. But the depression was still there. I felt nothing, my friends were just like bandages but it wasn’t the medicine that cured my depression. When I got home I had an emotionally/verbally abusive stepdad he was like a bomb you didn’t know when he was going to explode. I was on high alert the whole time, he said awful things to me sometimes, he did things that I was uncomfortable with, he would hug me without my consent, he was very touchy, he made comments about my body, and one time he touched my ass and grabbed my wrist so I couldn’t let go  (I was 12-14 at the time practically a child) it’s hard for me to write about this and I’m almost 16. I found escape through my friends and spirituality. I’m glad my mom left him because I don't know what else would've happened if she stayed with him.

Even now I have flashbacks of the things he said and did, I would say he was one of the main reasons I am mentally ill. However there are other reasons for that too, one time he and my mom were scolding me about my grades, and they told me “I’m useless, worthless, a disappointment’’, and that affected me. That's when I grabbed a razor blade and I cut my skin with it. It made the emotional pain go away, and in a way, it felt good. That’s when I first started self-harming no one and I'm not planning on telling people at all about this. I stopped for a month, then it was my arm next, I don’t even remember what happened that well and why I did that, I think my brain blocked it out of my memory. Sometimes I felt like I was crazy, that I was alone, that I didn’t deserve anyone, that I’m useless, worthless, etc. One of the main reasons I still self-harm now. I can’t stop it’s like an addiction, I barely do it. In fact, I haven’t done it in a month which is good but honestly, I don’t know how long I am going to last. 

My first panic attack was one of the scariest things I have experienced, I haven’t had one in a really long time. I’m scared that it’s going to happen again. I still remember being on my bed sitting criss-cross and hyperventilating. I thought I was going to die. I hated it.  Thankfully, I had my best friend to help me. Thanks to them, I'm alive. I wouldn’t be here without them. Back to the panic attacks, I was basically yelled at by my stepdad. I don't even remember what he said to me but it definitely wasn’t good. Later on, well still, I have a very unhealthy relationship with food. I'm not going to say I have an eating disorder because I’m not diagnosed. Some days I barely eat and some other days I eat normally. It’s never healthy. I lost a shit ton of weight which made me develop a better figure, but some days I still feel useless and unworthy, and I just want to lay in bed all day and do nothing but sleep. Which I have done before but, thanks to my meds I feel better and more motivated (which is the majority of the days). Thankfully I’m better now but I’m not done telling the stories.

August 2, 2022

Hi, so it’s been a few days since I wrote this but basically, we left off where I was talking about how my first panic attack went down which from what we know was one of the worst things I went through. A year or two before my first panic attack was one of the first times I self-harmed. Some people don’t understand why people self-harm, which is understandable. Why put more pain on yourself when you're already going through so much pain? The emotional pain can’t be compared to the physical pain you're going through. The reason I self-harmed/ sometimes still do (haven’t in a while) the physical pain is a distraction from the emotional pain. While yes it might sound stupid that you're putting more pain on yourself but the physical pain is a distraction or a coping mechanism from the emotional pain. 

  August 3, 2022

Back when I first self-harmed, I used the things you used to shave, which was scraping my skin off with a razor if that’s what it’s called. I don't want to place blame on anyone but, I got called worthless and a disappointment mind you, I was like 12. That seriously fucks someone up. When I was in middle school I started getting depressed I think the main reason was that I started to see how my ex-stepdad was and how much of a fucked up person he is. My grades went down, I was antisocial, I binged, started eating a lot, feeling tired, starting to self-harm, etc. My mom didn’t see anything wrong with me till I turned 14. That's when she started to see a pattern of how bad I got. 

When I gained a lot of weight (like 30 pounds) I was eating unhealthy and not working. The heaviest I got was 180 pounds which in reality isn’t that bad but, for me, that’s a lot. When I got up to 180 pounds I was very insecure. I hated showing my arms or wearing tight clothing. Now I am the complete opposite of course. I'm still very insecure but in that insecurity, I have a bunch of confidence. Most of the time, the confidence outshines insecurity. Yes, I have my days where I am most insecure but I managed to get out of that dark hole. The story of how I lost most of my weight is kind of a movie honestly. I went to this teenage party when I was like 13 and I saw a bunch of skinny girls just walking and dancing and I was that kid in the corner sitting there awkwardly I felt so out of place. I was like “No I’m going to lose weight” and I did. I lost 40 pounds in a healthy way. Then later since, I got used to not eating that much, I started obsessing about my weight and barely ate or ate one meal a day. I managed to lose 10 pounds. I don’t recommend anyone lose weight in a bad way, do it in a healthy way. Right now I am slowly improving. I am not diagnosed with an eating disorder so I am not going to say I have one. 

What caused me to lose weight the unhealthy way? My family ever since I was little liked to make comments about my body, either I was too thin, flat, thick, or flat like bro pick a side I can’t be all of those things at once. When I was like 8 or 9 my grandma monitored what I ate or if I ate food that was slightly unhealthy she would comment for example, “You're going to get too fat and ugly” like miss, I”m 8/9 like come on a kid should not be hearing this. They would comment on little things and most of the time they weren’t the best. Families are supposed to bring each other up not down. This made me really insecure and it still affects me to this day. When I was losing weight they would comment on how I was getting flat and losing all of my curves. Soo, that made me gain another insecurity and I’m still insecure to this day. 

Furthermore, I would like to talk about my anxiety (btw I am diagnosed)  and how it affected me, and how it still affects me to this day. It doesn’t affect me that bad but, it’s really stupid basically, it affects me in the smallest way. If anything happens like I get slightly bad news I automatically think of the worst thing that could happen, I often feel fatigue I don’t know if it’s because of depression or anxiety but I did my research and I think it’s anxiety it’s not medically diagnosed so I’m not going to say for sure it is. I sometimes think someone is mad at me for no reason or for the smallest things. Plus, if I do think someone is mad at me I overthink a lot. 

Lastly, I want to talk about my bipolar depression and this is diagnosed. It's very hectic and sadly it can’t be cured however there’s certain medication that helps reduce the symptoms of bipolar depression.  The funny thing is one of my friends told me you might have bipolar depression and I was like “Nah, I’m fine”, girl you are not fine. My symptoms included me being impulsive I did dumb shit I would not be saying what I did for certain reasons. I had days where I felt really happy for no reason and I was really hyper dancing, jumping around, laughing over the dumbest shit and etc. Then, I had days where I was so tired I couldn’t even get out of bed and function ex: shower, do my hair, change outfits, etc. Thankfully for me, it didn’t get as bad and I was able to sort off manage it without medication. 

#mental abuse #mentally exhausted #mentally ill #parental abuse

[pesterloglog]

Calliope, Roxy Lalonde, Rose Lalonde

Act 6, page 5613-5625

UU: hello!

TG: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TG: ...

TG: calliope?

TG: that u

UU: yes, it is i!

TG: holy shit

TG: the most pious and reverential of shits

TG: turd in a church callie

TG: you startled me!

UU: sorry! :u

TG: but yeah so

TG: hey!!!

TG: nice 2 finally meet you

TG: wow wee ur pretty

TG: so when you said you werent good looking it turns out that was a bunch of baloney?

UU: no, roxy. i am afraid it was not a helping of yoUr delicioUs earth baloney.

TG: aw dont say that

TG: also you said you were a cherub

TG: but if i am not mistaken you appear to be a troll

TG: unless cherubs actually look like trolls?

UU: alas, we do not.

UU: this is not my trUe appearance. i have taken the form of my trollsona.

UU: i wanted to look more presentable for oUr meetUp. UnfortUnately my trUe visage woUld likely repUlse or frighten yoU.

UU: that is not the first impression i woUld like to make.

TG: girl please

TG: trust me theres nothing you could look like that would make me scared of you or grossed out

TG: i am your friend and i know youre nice inside no matter what, so

TG: could i see the real u?

UU: that is so kind of yoU to say. i can believe that a lovely person like yoU woUld be able to stop herself from recoiling at the sight of my monstroUs face.

UU: bUt it is oUt of the qUestion. i am mUch more comfortable appearing to yoU this way.

UU: really it has more to do with my own dissatisfaction with the way i look than any lack of trUst in yoUr character.

UU: yoU Understand, don't yoU?

TG: yes

TG: its ok callie you can go on keep being a cute troll

TG: im just happy to see you

UU: likewise!

UU: i wish it coUld be Under better circUmstances thoUgh.

UU: we may not have mUch time here.

TG: wheres here exactly

TG: am i still dreamin?

UU: yes. i have led yoU to a dream bUbble of my own design.

UU: my imagination and thoUghts dictate what yoU see here.

UU: as i told yoU earlier, my brother is hUnting for me. so i have created a little sanctUary in space to stay hidden from him.

UU: that is why i coUld not speak to yoU earlier. not oUt loUd at least. he is highly sensitive to my presence, so it is very easy for me to get his attention if i'm not carefUl.

UU: bUt as long as we stand in the centre of this vortex, we may speak as loUdly as we like! no information can escape this dark pocket, so long as i maintain it.

UU: and seeing as yoU are a hero of void, yoU make an ideal gUest to bring home for one who wishes to remain hidden. thoUgh i will say the fact that yoU are my best friend is a lovely bonUs. ^u^

TG: best bonus!!!

TG: 4 real though its so nice to finally see you no matter what you make urself look like

TG: ive wanted to tell you all about whats been going on with me and my friends since we got together

TG: its been so fun hangin with them even in spite of lets be frank, some truly SELECT teen drama

TG: mmmm see how im kissin my two pinched fingers here? mwah it was like that

TG: the embarrassing teenanigans have been SUMPTUOUS and come highly recommended

TG: no but really its been great, and after some time irl with them it started feelin weird to think we were ever even apart

TG: yet sadly it was not complete because the moment i met them all was also the moment i totally lost touch with my other cool bffsy from THE WEBS

TG: i tried calling and calling your name but you never answered

UU: i know.

UU: i am sorry. u_u

TG: dont be sorry i knew youda answered if you could have

TG: i guess maybe you hid yourself so deep in this dream i couldnt wake ya?

TG: damn this must have sucked spending all this time here hiding from your asshole brother

TG: like i know hes a dick i talked to him enough times to get that but

TG: whys he tryin to kill u so bad?

UU: he is not trying to kill me.

UU: he has already sUcceeded at that.

UU: on the day he foUnd a way to kill my dream self, i was done for. thoUgh to be honest, i doUbt i'd have fared mUch better regardless.

UU: i think his half was always meant to predominate.

UU: my will was simply not strong enoUgh to overcome his. yoU know as well as i how stUbborn he is. i don't think he has ever had even a smidgen of doUbt in his thoUghts, or remorse for his deeds. whereas i was always plagUed by sUch feelings.

UU: on some level i always knew he woUld win. bUt i fooled myself. i thoUght i coUld overcome his ego by looking beyond his negative qUalities, staying optimistic, and working together with him in a game to accomplish something extraordinary.

UU: and that in doing so, perhaps i coUld begin to help him change. to teach him to evolve beyond his hatefUl natUre. and as he changed for the better, slowly but sUrely, he woUld become more like myself.

UU: that was how i thoUght i coUld predominate. it was how i was going to win! and really, if he grew closer to me in that way, by learning kindness and compassion, we both woUld have won. my predomination woUld not have meant his absolUte death, but oUr trUe Union.

UU: bUt sadly, i Underestimated how consUmed he was with the need to destroy me.

UU: now he is completely obsessed with finding my soUl and wiping me oUt for good, even if it means tearing apart the reality that sUrroUnds Us.

UU: he will never feel he has won Until all traces of me are gone.

TG: uuuugh

TG: hearing all that just makes me so unreasonably mad

TG: FUCK that shitlord

TG: i feel so bad knowing you died and there wasnt anything i could do

TG: no matter how much i said your name :(

UU: don't fret. yoU did all yoU coUld.

TG: isnt there some way we could bring you back

TG: some baller fuckin magic, or a bomb ass faeryspell

TG: i mean could we find an answer in like, for instance

TG: YE ENCHANTMENTES?

UU: very Unlikely.

TG: dangit

TG: ok then

TG: if i cant do that

TG: then i guess the next best thing would be

TG: to find your lil shit of a bro and feed him a steady diet of his own ass

UU: ^u^

TG: that is what we are supposed to do right

TG: i mean

TG: from what i gather

TG: the dude is ridicubad news

TG: just such brutal and stinky news

TG: so eventually somebodys got to kill him

TG: and that is probly us aint it?

UU: it's trUe that he deserves a comeUppance like few others.

UU: bUt slaying him is not actUally yoUr responsibility as heroes now.

UU: in fact, if anyone mUst bear that bUrden, it might be me.

TG: oh yeh?

UU: possibly.

UU: as we speak, there are hUndreds of soUls oUt here in the fUrthest ring working to defeat him.

UU: some search for a fabled treasUre. a weapon said to spell his certain demise.

UU: while others say that i myself am this weapon. :U

UU: and so they search for me.

UU: they band together in great nUmbers for this caUse, and attract his devastation in hopes of revealing the path to the weapon.

UU: while at the same time, they draw his attention away from me. and it is a good thing that they do.

UU: i mUst remain hidden from everyone for as long as i can.

TG: why?

TG: why not come out and be all like

TG: here i am yo its me! secret weapon ghost callie ;)

UU: becaUse i am no sUch thing!

UU: i was already Useless against my brother when he was jUst a brat who liked to tease me.

UU: now that he is an exceptionally mUscUlar and invincible adUlt, my chances are laUghable.

UU: no, if i am to contribUte, i need more time.

UU: i mUst go in search of my own weapon.

TG: what weapon?

UU: ironically, the same weapon which many of them are looking for.

UU: me!

TG: ??

UU: it's the only sliver of hope i have.

UU: i have reason to sUspect there may be another iteration of myself oUt here.

UU: one from a doomed timeline, who has kept hidden for a long time, jUst like i have.

UU: bUt Unlike me, she sUpposedly came from a reality where she predominated instead of my brother.

UU: and not by the means which i described. hers was not a mild Union of reconciliation.

UU: amazingly, her predomination was absolUte! a major feat of will, jUst as his was with me.

UU: as sUch, she went on to play the game, and...

UU: well, i cannot even imagine what followed, aside from the fact that she eventUally mUst have died for existing in an offshoot reality.

UU: if she exists, i woUld be eager to meet her. it woUld be a chance to get to know a version of myself who was strong enoUgh to override the will of my brother.

UU: someone i might have become if i had a little more coUrage. u_u

UU: and if she is sUch a person, then i really believe all i have heard mUst be trUe. i believe she is the key to defeating him.

UU: so i have no choice.

UU: i mUst go in search of myself.

TG: you sound like a real popular lady out here

TG: even you are looking for you!

UU: indeed.

TG: well i hope you can find her

TG: but

TG: if thats your job

TG: to find bizarro calliope and go wollop ur bro

TG: then what is our heroic biz?

UU: it's the same as it always was.

UU: to win the game.

TG: oh yeah

TG: duh

UU: it is as i once told jane.

UU: with victory yoU may finally exit this vast whirling storm.

UU: by claiming yoUr reward yoU woUld bring closUre to a very wide coil of caUsality, one not tracing a continUoUs path like a snake, bUt intricately woven like a wreath.

UU: a ring of coUntless little rises and falls, ascents and descents, on its way Up and down a pair of mUch bigger ones itself.

UU: from alpha to beta, then beta to alpha, as if a moUntain to be scaled and then climbed back down. its peak toUches the eye of a storm which cannot end Until the moment yoU all walk throUgh that door.

UU: only then will there be calm.

TG: ._.

UU: ah, bUgger. forgive me, sometimes i forget myself and begin speaking in riddles.

UU: it's jUst a habit that is in the natUre of my people.

TG: yeah i know

TG: at least yours r better than your bros stupid games

UU: don't remind me. in my opinion they do not qUalify as anything of the sort, mUch the same as his "shitty twists". >:u

TG: so then from what im surmising here is we dont need to beat him to win our game

TG: like dealing with him directly is kinda out of our domain?

UU: as the one who provoked the breach in paradox space which i jUst coloUrfUlly described, he has always exerted his inflUence on yoUr realities from afar, and from many different angles. throUgh Unwitting sUrrogates, oUtsoUrced manipUlation, oUtright enslavement, and even petty harassment. bUt most of all, he prevails throUgh the simple inertia of inevitability that has always been on his side, as a lord of time.

UU: and as the one who is to blame for foolishly allowing him access to sUch power, it's only proper that i take responsibility for finding a way to defeat him.

UU: bUt even thoUgh his methods of inflUencing yoUr session are indirect, they are still formidable.

UU: there will be a nUmber of powerfUl foes who stand between yoU and victory.

UU: tomorrow, a terrific battle will take place.

UU: when yoU wake Up, i sUggest yoU begin to prepare.

TG: ummmm ok

TG: how

TG: like make more sick gear

TG: i could hustle up another batch of illwicked guns

TG: just a big ol pile of guns

TG: jake can have the wimpy smaller ones

TG: make jane like a fancy new fork or spoon or such

TG: like an elite endgame spoon

TG: whatever that is

TG: like uh

TG: the chowderfucker 5000

TG: janey be flippin her godspoon round bopping monsters doing like

TG: CUCKOO damage

TG: wont bother make nothin 4 dirk since hes basically married to his boring anime sword

TG: like u could even pry that thing from his rad dead cadaver

UU: yes, i'm sUre new eqUipment woUld come in handy.

UU: now that yoU mention it, well before i died or even realized i woUld not live to play, i made special exception to my rUle of staying linear with conversation. i messaged jane a birthday gift.

UU: yoU see, i had a brief vision from skaia which sUggested to me she coUld Use a boost in morale on this special day, so i offered her something very dear to me. jUst a little token to show appreciation for her friendship.

UU: i hope it will cheer her Up, and moreover that it will prove at least somewhat UsefUl to yoUr party.

UU: bUt really, at this stage if yoU wish to prevail against sUch stacked odds, collecting boons sUch as new weapons and treasUres will only go so far.

UU: i think yoU will need to embrace a far more sUbstantive gambit.

TG: like what

TG: omg are we gonna have to enlist fefeta

TG: is fefeta the secret weapon

TG: its fefeta isnt it

TG: poor, sweet, dear, precious fefeta :(

UU: it is not fefeta!!!

UU: i am sUggesting a measUre that is mUch more extreme.

UU: i believe yoU shoUld all strongly consider ascending to the god tiers.

TG: oh

TG: ok that sounds cool what do we do

UU: well of coUrse it soUnds cool! bUt it's not necessarily as easy as it soUnds, steeling oneself for death. believe me.

UU: bUt if yoU can find the resolve, then here is what yoU mUst do.

UU: since none of yoU have any dream selves left, it won't do any good to sacrifice yoUrselves on the qUest beds foUnd on yoUr respective planets.

UU: and even if yoU did, there is not even a battlefield from which to rise anew. no, yoUr void session had only one path to ascension all along.

UU: yoU mUst travel to the centre of the moons of prospit and derse, and there in the crypt yoU will find yoUr sacrificial slabs. yoU mUst lie on them, and then...

UU: then yoU all mUst die. one way or another. u_u

TG: alright

UU: alright?

TG: yea

TG: fuck it

TG: lets do it

UU: doesn't the thoUght make yoU nervoUs?

TG: well

TG: gettin offed on a moon slab aint my idea of primo funtimes or anything

TG: but like

TG: you end up with super powers after that right?

UU: yes.

TG: and some kinda semi immortality?

UU: yes. :u

TG: and cool costumes???

UU: yes! :U

TG: then what is even the fuckin holdup

TG: lets plop our asses slabward and get down to dying

UU: yoU seem qUite cavalier aboUt this, roxy!

UU: don't yoU have doUbts?

UU: woUldn't it cross yoUr mind to wonder, "what if i never wake Up again?"

UU: i know it woUld for me.

TG: i guess thats a fair point

TG: but

TG: you say ill be fine right?

UU: yes. i believe yoU will.

TG: then thats good nuff 4 me

TG: i trust you

UU: ...

UU: ^u^

TG: but it sounds like we dont have much to pull this off

TG: because foes are a comin?

TG: who are all these foes you say we gotta beat

UU: those who i mentioned my brother has been exploiting as his pawns from afar.

UU: the most obvioUs woUld be the one responsible for the extinction of yoUr race.

UU: and who also happened to be responsible for this most fortUitoUs nap.

TG: huh?

TG: wait

TG: how DID i fall asleep?

UU: yoU don't remember yet?

TG: i remember

TG: a party

TG: and

TG: a sad jane

TG: a poor sad jane with shitty fella problems

TG: and a ruined cake! it was going 2 be so delish, but no

TG: it was claimed by the cruel and unforgiving sands of lopan

UU: ...

TG: i remember

TG: gcat

TG: GCAT!!!!!

TG: god DAMMIT gcat!

TG: he poofed me away with cat magic and i got ko'd by a floor

UU: bUt which floor?

TG: it was

TG: a derse floor?

TG: aw man

TG: was i captured?

TG: the batterwitch has me doesnt she

TG: THATS who you meant

TG: what is she gonna do with me?

UU: as i said, she is his servant, and is obligated to do everything in her power to facilitate the cycle of his existence.

UU: and while nearly all she has done on earth and on derse has been to advance that scheme, that does not mean she's withoUt her own agenda.

UU: i know that she woUld like to see my brother defeated as mUch as anyone else. for her enslavement, for doUble-crossing her, and for orchestrating her people's extinction.

UU: he always did loathe trolls. i've sUspected i may be to blame for their misfortUne as well, considering he knew how mUch i fancied them. u_u

TG: ok so if she wants him dead too and has her own personal secret plans or whatever then whats she want with me

UU: i believe she's looking ahead, beyond the fUlfillment of her obligation. she is likely making plans for after she is liberated. she has lived as a rUler and conqUerer for very long time, and probably coUldn't have done so withoUt sUch gUile and foresight.

UU: if she has captUred yoU, it's certainly for a good reason.

UU: i think she wishes to exploit yoUr abilities as a rogUe of void.

TG: pfahahaha

TG: WHAT abilities

TG: i dont have any abilities

TG: except making screens dark which as superpowers go is lame as hell

UU: none that yoU have gotten in toUch with yet.

UU: bUt rest assUred, yoU have them!

UU: it's like i told yoU before, remember?

UU: a fUlly realized rogUe of void can do remarkable things. things which even other god tiers woUld view as miracUloUs.

TG: like what?

UU: why don't yoU see what it is the qUeen woUld have yoU do?

UU: then yoU may look inside and determine whether yoU have it in yoU to do it.

TG: man

TG: whatever she wants

TG: even if it IS an enemy of my enemy kind of thing

TG: i dont think i could ever bring myself to help her :(

UU: that is Understandable.

UU: jUst do whatever yoU feel is right. i'm sUre yoU will make the correct decision.

UU: yoU see, i trUst yoU too, roxy. ^u^

TG: daw thanx callie

UU: oh no...

TG: what?

UU: OH NO!!!

UU: WHAT IS *SHE* DOING HERE???

ROSE: Mom? ROXY: mom?

CALLIOPE: NO NO NO NO NO! THIS WON'T DO AT ALL!

CALLIOPE: A LIGHT PLAYER? A LIGHT PLAYER???

CALLIOPE: HAVE YOU GONE MENTAL? WHY DON'T WE JUST BURN A BLOODY BONFIRE IN HERE!

CALLIOPE: HE'LL SPOT US ANY MINUTE! ASSUMING HE ISN'T ALREADY ON HIS WAY TO BLOW US ALL TO KINGDOM COME!!!

CALLIOPE: NOT THAT IT HASN'T BEEN DELIGHTFUL! BUT EVERYBODY OUT!

CALLIOPE: OFF WITH YOU, LOVE!

CALLIOPE: SHOO SHOO SHOO SHOO SHOO SHOO!

#homestuck #calliope #roxy lalonde #rose lalonde #homestuck act 6 #page 5613 #page 5614 #page 5615 #page 5616 #page 5617 #page 5618 #page 5619 #page 5620 #page 5621 #page 5622 #page 5623 #page 5624 #page 5625 #homestuck act 6 act 5 #homestuck act 6 act 5 act 1

[nthngtoseehere-blog]

I finished a couple of dramas this past week and they both left me Feeling Things, and thoughtful, for completely different reasons.

Spoilers for Mystic Pop-Up Bar & Love in the Air:

These people! It’s rare that I really love all of the characters in a show, but I really did in this one.

I love the whole “found family is whoops actual family” thing, and I love that a tree and a rock turned out to be soulmates. The story of a jaded woman spending hundreds or years cursed to ‘live’ and help people settle their grudges while struggling with a grudge of her own etc is superficially identical to Hotel Del Luna, but MPUB takes the story in completely directions.

Also, this show is FUNNY. It’s charming and energetic. I’m about to probably make the characters sound kinda gloomy and melodramatic but - ok, yes, there’s definitely melodrama. But it’s mostly fun melodrama with just enough heart to leaving you feeling soft at the end. And the characters are all a lot of fun to watch.

Early on I thought that Kang Bae was a weirdly nothing sort of character. Like, there wasn’t much depth, almost like he sprang from the void fully formed with “pitiful but sweet” stamped on his head, and not much else. As the story developed, that actually made a lot of sense. We did get a little back story on his childhood, but it was ultimately his actual identity that made me realize that it’s not a plot hole, it’s a plot point. There’s a good reason he’s like that, and it’s very sad while also making his development as a character all the more poignant.

He’s not a pathetic character though. He’s very funny and a great audience stand in for experiencing the bonkers world he finds through the Mystic Pop-Up Bar.

Kang Yeo Rin is a fantastic character, and I loved watching the relationship between her and Kang Bae grow. I am a fan of the soft boyfriend/kick ass girlfriend trend, and she’s a particularly good version of that. She is kick ass, and has a strong moral center, but while she’s also cute, funny, and sassy none of that is saccharine. Like, they don’t over-cutesify her to offset the BAMFness which is awesome.

Any deep thoughts I might have about Weol Ju and Gui - I don’t have any. I could, but for personal reasons I choose not to think too hard about their emotional journeys. They are fun and funny, I love them, and I’m glad Kang Bae found people to care about when he had no one before.

V v good show.

Now for something COMPLETELY different: Thai bl romance!

IMPORTANT TRIGGER WARNING for discussion of dubcon, a character’s past sexual abuse and rape, and sexual assault.

This show reminds me of the trashy romance novels a friend of mine read when we were in high school. IDK if the term is actually used anymore? But when I think about trashy romance novels I think about the two of us sitting in her bedroom reading the books and alternating between “omg this is terrible” and “omg who acts like that” and “omg is that what sex is actually like” and also secretly probably really caring about one or more character.

I actually watched the first seven episodes months back. Possibly last year? The part that focused on Rain and Phayu. It was awful. And Rain - who acts like that???? There were definitely consent issues at least once. But Phayu is 🔥 and okay they were really cute when they got together in the end shut up.

I quit the show at that point though because at that time I could NOT watch another character be a pouty airhead (affectionate) (what is wrong with you Rain you aren’t an infant omg) (still affectionate I swear; I've come around to this character) and the sound quality of the show is abysmal (derogatory).

But now I think I didn’t give it enough of a chance.

Because, I thought that I don’t usually care for trashy romance anymore, but I was suddenly in the mood. So I decided to watch the second story arc, Prapai and Sky and. It was. Good?

I mean, the sound quality was still cringe-inducing. And the cutesiness of the relationship between the boys when things were going well for them was rough. I mean, I was constantly screaming “Sky is not an actual baby girl why is he acting like one” in my head. Argh.

But it handled the sexual abuse/PTSD elements really well. (??? !!!)

The fact that it did so has me a little bit tied in knots.

The relationship starts with dubious consent followed by stalking, which, so far no good. Once we get deeper into the story, the stalking is still 100% right out of trashy romance territory, but I ended up thinking that the dub con was not straightforward. I’m not convinced that Prapai would have pushed for sex if Sky hadn’t concluded that’s what was being requested and offered it up.

I am NOT blaming the victim. Prapai was being a creep, and he shouldn’t have assumed that Sky didn’t feel coerced, he should have made sure of that. Prapai wasn’t expecting to meet someone who is traumatized and expects to be used for sex against his will and most likely agreed immediately to avoid the violence he also expects. But Prapai should not be using ‘veiled threat’ as a cute flirtation tactic. Like, ever, but ESPECIALLY if he’s not going make sure the other person isn’t actually afraid.

It’s absolutely dubcon, and also in retrospect a gut-punch level heartbreaking character moment for Sky.

The stalking: yes, the show did do the thing where Sky eventually fell for Prapai’s stalker behavior; but at the same time he set very firm boundaries and Prapai ended up having to prove that he would not bulldoze over the (unbeknownst to him) critical boundary of not pushing for sex.

It was refreshing for a show to make the playboy stalker grow up and start being a good person before it let the love interest cave.

One thing that I loved while also it also made the stalking look that much worse, was the way Sky’s traumatic past haunts him. I’m so impressed with him insisting on boundaries, because wow. At one point it’s clear that Prapai refusing to stop showing up at his apartment and texting him is triggering the memories of Sky’s abuse and rape, because of course it would but I’ve never seen a story that uses stalking as a cute entre into romance call it out like that.

Kudos to Sky’s actor for how he played Sky’s reaction to trauma nightmares and traumatic encounters with his past abusers. Absolutely ripped my heart out.

The actor who plays Prapai busts out some devastatingly good emoting in the last episode, too. Both actors are excruciatingly cheesy in the cute/romantic moments, but they’re so, so good in the hard emotional moments.

The scenario could have come off as another story that treats sexual assault as a stepping stone to romance. But the two actors make it feel devastating. The scenes are emotionally raw. There’s a moment when Sky is telling Prapai what his ex did to him, and Prapai says “how could he do that to you?” and Sky sort of smiles and says “I’m trash. I’m damaged goods.” And it’s so heartbreaking and you can see Prapai shattering with grief for Sky.

The show doesn’t use Sky’s history of abuse purely as a character beat and excuse for a dramatic climax to the story. I mean, yes, there’s some of that for sure, but the story and the actors do it some real justice.

So yeah. This drama went from the worst trashy romance show I’ve ever seen, to a show I want to watch again despite the flaws. And Prapai/Sky is a new favorite ship.

#mystic pop up bar #kdrama #love in the air #thai drama #tdrama #Prapai/Sky #paisky

[lunaxstella]

The reason I love to write

People who know our family might think my mom influenced me to write. My mom's side of the family are bookworms and achievers, so I can't really blame them if they would assume that. But the thing is, my family only knew that I wrote stories and poems when I told them that I had joined the journalism club back when I was in 10th grade. And I didn't even know that my mom was a big part of their campus journalism when she was in school. We don't really talk much about our interests at home. Our parents let us be us, no questions asked. Except if our safety is concerned, obviously. Everyone's busy with their lives that we have no time to catch up. We don't even have dinners together. Sad, isn't it? Well, not so much. It has its pros and cons, but the pros make it okay, I guess.

I fell in love with writing ever since I learned how to read. I love reading story books, fairy tales, and even those short stories you find in educational books. I even finished reading a children's bible from cover to cover in less than a week. I was at awe in how emotions can be expressed through words. At how you can hide real life emotions through fantasy.

I loved it more as I grew up because I learned that through writing, I can create my own world. I can make my protagonists less lonely. I can make everyone understand where she's coming from. I can make them understand me without anyone knowing it's me.

Yes, writing became my escape. I had no one to confide in, so I depended on myself. I am the eldest daughter. I was taught to be selfless and to always be the bigger person. To always understand where everyone is coming from. I had no friends. And even when I found them, I can't really tell them everything that's going on in this messy brain of mine because not everyone understands. But with writing, I can be selfish. I can be angry. I can pour out all that's in my head. No judgments, no expectations. It's just me and the words spilling through the tip of my pen.

And boy, was I delighted when I learned about poems. With symbols and metaphors, I can now share what I feel in just a matter of seconds, and no one can tell what I truly mean. Like how every one of my poems is actually me calling for help. I was screaming for help because I can't take it anymore. I only made them sound hopeful, so that those who have read them can at least have the hope that I don't possess.

You see, I've been battling depression for as long as I can remember. It already took my whole life away from me. It's as if, it has attached to my shadows the day I became aware of this world. If it wasn't for my medication, I don't know where I would be at today. And yet, I'm still having a hard time fighting the voices with my family and professional help around me.

Just recently, I realized that I've been fooling myself. I thought that I was being my authentic self around everyone, when in fact I was actually pretending to be this girl who already figured herself. She's so self-aware, that she thinks she can handle her emotions well. Smiling and acting as if she doesn't feel numb inside. It's all bullshit.

I'm still that same girl years ago. Crying herself to sleep, wondering why she feels nothing when all she wants is to feel genuine happiness. Only now, the tears have stopped falling. And she's been wearing this life-is-awful-but-let's-just-laugh-it-off mask whenever someone comes up to greet her. Only to return to that girl who feels nothing at all when they leave.

The irony. I used to say that I'm done with the "Fake it until you make it" mantra, yet here I am. Still doing it unknowingly.

I don't know what to believe in anymore. I know that I'm genuine with the feelings I've been showing to everyone, but still. Deep inside, it's all void. Nothing. I feel nothing. It's cold in here.

Well, someone tried to heat it up. But he left as well. He feels the same thing as I do. I was just more courageous to try and thaw my heart by risking it on him. Maybe it's a good thing he left? I don't know. I understand him anyway. I love him but what can my love do if he doesn't want it at all? It's just a matter of time that I had to be woken up from that daydream. It's sweet and warm, but I was all alone and cold inside.

Right now, this is the last thing that I'll ever write here. I'm taking a break from myself and everyone's expectation of me. I've been swimming against the current for years. It's time to swim with it for now.

If you're reading this, I pray that everything you've been praying and hoping for will fall into place in the right time. As always, don't forget to drink your agua. This is Luna signing off.

#personal blog #personal #blog #writers on tumblr #writerscommunity #write

[roguestarsailor]

annoying that my period is coming and that means my body balloons and i feel awful about my body and i am literally so fucken tired. my evenings are so short and i cant do anything and i have to get up so fucken early all the time because i cant squeeze in anything unless i do that!!! my brain is so fried and it just goes into a spiral. i thought learning to swim and learning mandarin would help but noo absolutely not. it’ll only last a moment before the demons come back and im sad. i just want to cry all the time :( i should be grateful and happy and theres so many possibilities out there and i havent even been here for a full year yet and its not like ive met all the ppl i’ll ever meet but yet im still hung on these old feelings and i just feel absolutely awful!!!! idk what to do!!! im trying to stay social and talk to ppl but talking to people makes me sad sometimes especially when they have families and boyfriends and are on track in life...ok i know theres no track but yes there is. im still fearful of so many adult things and idk how to solve it esp w romance and boys and im learning more about asexuality and it seems to align well but many aces have BEEN w someone to know this ! at the same time why is this the only thing interesting about people?? all the folks in relationships just want to hear my dating life and nothing  else. wheres everyones sense of wonder? am i living wrong??? asdlkkaslddsk im tryying but im so sso slow and the future i’d been dreaming about it blurry and its becoming more of a dark void..is that ok???

#amandathoughts

[knowlessman]

bonko no honko I ran out of good jokes a long time agodemia (bnha)(if I ever had any) s3e1-3

(I forgot about the prequel minisodes but I'm already here, maybe I'll watch them later idk)

ooh this OP's got a pi-aner in it. I dig it. some of the opening bits sort of reminded me of homest - why is bakugo swole wtaf

(void teleport business slenderfrend watching all might on tv) patrick star: I hate this channel -- why IS slendervoid so fucking dapper tho

"worst character? worst-character-in-training?"

…"Vlad" has orc fangs instead of vamp fangs : \ huh

there's that "be a fuck[bleep]ng superstar" thing again. it's so jarring every time -- (going down the list of all of Class A's quirks) …like, yes, we do know all these things already, and it is recycled footage, but I'm not finding that I mind it -- I knew they weren't gonna do the same for Class B's but. I mean. idk

"you said you were gonna use the pool for endurance training, right?" already hovering finger over the right arrow key -- breaking news: anime school has girl's swimsuits that are actual clothes. granted, figures it'd only be for a joke

guy with literal jet engines in his legs: hey, who wants to do a race? -- oh come on, none of you are even touching the water -- iida you fuck 'XD I thought you were the rules guy

(flashback) the bit where deku says "you haven't put a single scratch on me yet" when all of his fingers are broken and todoroki is at full health is still fucking hilarious tbh -- (still flashbacks) "I am the younger brother of a hero you attacked" also still reminds me of that "do you have ANY IDEA how little that narrows it down" meme -- yes, yes, you're all protagonists, this is a recap episode huh

"don't hold back on me, half n half!" "okay" freezes bakugo and deku and wins easily -- (eraserhead butts in) hehehehehehehe -- ("pool's closed, go home") aw dammit, I wanted him to make them do the last race legit 'XD

…has this show been doing these Marvel-ass after-credits scenes this whole time? …well, hopefully it doesn't mean I've been missing any needed context when I didn't watch the credits all the way through

"what, Class A is taking extra classes? did you fail? did you fail?" oh shut up Ditto, I gave up liking you ages ago

who is this Charlie-Brown-side-character looking mfer, what's their deal 'XD

uh…… huh. well, the Jellicles have arrived.

who's the grumpy kid who looks like he wandered in from Bleach. …or Digimon. idfk. he their manager? is he hiding cat ears under that hat?

(wonders something, checks the dub) aw, I can't even comment on what they translated God Explosion Murder (you know, that guy who got kidnapped by the slime monster)'s catchphrase to in English because if I type it here FB will ban me : [ (also I'm too lazy to change these much before posting em to tumblr regardless of what order I do em in)

am here for action banjo I guess

kaminari that thing is literally made of dirt, it couldn't be any more obviously Ground-type wtf

…o-kay. mineta gets a new friend in superhell tier I guess

wheeeeeze 'XD what the fuck, I can't - what - why? fuckin' brat just punched mr nice guy in the balls -- guy whose sole defining trait is bullying deku: "heh, he reminds me of me"

"hey kota, can you bring those vegetables? they have a sticker on them that says Vegetables in English, but don't look at it too closely, you'll get a headache" what did the artist(s?) think we were gonna think was in that box anyway?

ugh, not hot springs, we just did this gag

deku looks pretty darn normal when his head isn't on an anatomy figure : |

yooo, class b's here too, hellyeah

(going through how everybody is trying to level up their powers) all choji and hagukure have to do is hide and seek, huh. all this support tech and all and they still haven't invented anything hagukure can, idk, wear or use that's as invisible as she is or that can become invisible?

swolecat might be okay

secret hideout? isn't that just the cave where they had tokoyami doing his crona-ragnarok training? -- (camera pans to show a hole in the cliff) is kota a cognate for kyle? also is that meme still funny? idk

literally a cenobite. who let clive barker into the writing room, this is a family show. …that occasionally says "fuck" in the background.

dancing boy is waiting for a full party

why does it not surprise me that bakugo's apparently good at cutlery. he probably says "die" in his head as he chops

("bravery test" game thingy) …yeah no I'd better not even try to understand this one, I still haven't gotten around to googling what a cavalry battle is -- "revelry in the dark" kthx sasuke allen poe or wever

'XD they passed up the opportunity to pair bakugo with deku and decided to stick him with half n half instead

is it zombies again. or midnight. -- oh, it's dancing boy making a move. hm.

no after-credits scene this time, only spoilers. maybe it's only for first and last episodes of a season, who knows.

got stuff tomorrow. …I think. stoppin here for now.

#knowless watches bnha