#BUT GUESS WHAT I’M NOT ON A FUCKING DIET I HAVE AN EATING DISORDER

[mylevisdontfitanymore]

I just discovered your blog and holy fuck is it normal for me to find it really hot?

tw. below this:

as a person who has struggle with ed most of her life finding this hot is like a relief you know, I used to be so scare of what I’m reading in your blog and now it just… turns me on, coping mechanism I guess

I mean -

I find it very normal, but I also curate the posts for a reason 🫣😳

Trigger warning: more ED discussion below

I feel you, though. I, too, have experienced eating disorders throughout my life.

I've gone through a few different types of them at various intensities (bulimia, bindge eating, orthorexia, and anorexia (which was my longest and worst)), and despite being in recovery nowadays, I don't think I'll really ever fully have the experience of EDs leave my head. Like, there will always be part of me that hears that little voice. I can ignore it and overcome it, but I'll never see food or diet or weight "normally." At least, I don't think I will. It's like being a native speaker versus a non-native speaker of a language. Sure, I can become fluent in the language and functionally use it, but I will never be a native speaker.

With all that said, I, too, wonder about the interaction between eating disorders and weight/food/belly kinks because as far as I am aware, plenty of people with these types of kinks have experienced eating disorders as well. I've seen some people actively choose to try and get into feedism to heal themselves, and I've seen people who've just experienced both without conscious reasons. Either way, it seems to me that there is some connection here. I mean, fetishes and fears are pretty similar, so... maybe it's two sides of the same coin you either have or don't? But, then again, in Western society, eating disorders have a growing prevalence, so perhaps there's no connection, and it just appears as if there is.

(Also, food and weight, outside of more recent history, have been connected to power and sexuality because with more money comes more food, so it was more desirable to be fat. It showed off your status. So, is it really that weird to be attracted to fatter bodies? It makes sense to want a body that shows resources and comfortability.)

I have no idea 🤷🏻‍♂️

Personally, though, from what I remember, before I had eating disorders or disordered eating patterns, I had a fixation around bellies. So, maybe because I already had those "wires crossed," I was more vulnerable to eating disorders. Or, maybe the experience of eating disorders helped elevate a fixation that otherwise would've faded away. Again, I don't know.

Also, in particularly self-reflective moments, I've also wondered if I'm so obsessed with bellies being full in any capacity because I know how purely terrible and shitty the experience of being empty is so I crave for other people to feel the exact opposite. Not terrible, starving emptiness but heavy fullness that equates to happiness and good emotions, as far away from some of the worst times in my life as possible. Fulfillment. Fullness. Fatness. However, that thought kind of falls apart when I think about how I did experience binge eating disorders, too, not just anorexia so...

I don't know.

I'm still untangling it.

I don't think I'll ever be able to go, oh, that! That's why I have a belly kink, but I would like to continue to learn about myself and what makes me tick.

I do agree with your coping mechanism theory, though.

And, also, thanks for being willing to share. Talking more about the connection between kink and disorder is useful. I can't say what the result will be, but it feels big.

#ask #kink discussion #kink discourse #tw eating disorders #tw eating issues

[lifblogs]

Wow, actually, it’s not cool for other fat people to put blame on those who are sick with eating disorders for having those disorders. “Having a fear of being fat that makes you self-harm is fatphobia and you need to shut up.” (Literally saw something worded like that.) Tell me you don’t have empathy or understand eating disorders without telling me you don’t have empathy or understand eating disorders.

People with anorexia and other eating disorders suffer. And guess what? You can be sick at any size. I was a skinny person because of my eating disorders, and now I’m a fat person who still has those eating disorders. To think that other fat people think others like them can’t be sick, or that we can help being sick is absolutely horrendous.

For the past 24 hours I’ve been seeing horrible comments about eating disorders. So, some fucking reminders for you all:

There are multiple kinds of eating disorders and someone can have one or more

You only know as much about someone as they share with you

There is no specific “look” for someone with an eating disorder. You can be sick at any size.

Everyone’s body type is different, and even if we all ate exactly the same and moved our bodies exactly the same, we’d still look different.

Diet culture is insidious and the cause of many eating disorders.

Oftentimes, people with eating disorders aren’t fatphobic and are just going through a lot of suffering. Does that mean they can’t accidentally say harmful things to the wrong audience? No, they definitely can, and often it’s just another symptom of the illness that they need to work on.

Eating disorder thoughts themselves are insidious and recovery is very hard.

People with eating disorders are not self-centered and shallow.

Fatphobia and eating disorder thoughts are two different conversations, and mixing the two and getting mad at people who “self-harm because they’re afraid of fatness and fat people” is not it, fam.

People need compassion to heal.

Seeing other fat people be cruel to those with eating disorders is hurtful. Don’t be cruel to anyone. It’s not worth your time or theirs. And maybe, just maybe, do some god damn research before saying something and being an asshole. And if you actually just want to be an asshole, please recognize that that’s a toxic behavior and see what you can do about fixing it. We need kindness, not cruelty.

#eating disorder #psa

[not-hungry-just-bored]

A new rant!!

So.. i noticed I don’t rant here often enough to call it my own blog..

Here I am now. I have a fiancé and he’s perfect in every way imaginable and I love him so much. He’s a big overweight but I don’t care. He’s fucking cuddly and I love that even more about him.

Lately he started feeling insecure so I made sure to love him even more but that doesn’t help the way he sees himself (and I fucking know that feeling). So now he’s trying to lose weight. He started going to the gym regularly and looking out for his food habits. Therefore he asked me a few times to come along with him.

There’s the fucking problem. I thought I was doing pretty well in recovery but now I’m back. He told me numerous times he doesn’t want me to come with him cause I’m too thick or sth but only cause he doesn’t wanna be on his own.

Yesterday he started talking about counting calories. That triggered me a lot and he noticed. We’ve talked about it all, why I started my ED, why it was so hard to get better and what I’m afraid of. I even told him about my problematic zones.

He assured me that he loves everything about me and my body but still. Now that he’s counting obviously I count, too. And I can’t stop. Also diet culture is so normalised I can’t escape it. Everyone around me holds a diet or tries to do so.

The worst? I get competitive again.

One of my coworkers is a very picky eater and everyone keeps talking about it. I can’t do this anymore. They say she has an eating disorder but actually, she doesn’t. We all know it but they just make fun of it I guess. Meanwhile I lost a LOT of weight lately and no one noticed. Now of course my ED wants to be noticed and it won’t stop. And I don’t wanna fight I anymore. I’m not strong enough and no one cares. The only one who even noticed anything was my sister whom I never see.

Idk where this is going but somehow I’m pissed but also I don’t wanna disturb anyones fun.

#pro ana #me #not hungry just bored #personal #proana #promia #thinspo #too fat #body #body dysmorphia #depressed #i just wanna throw up #not pro just using tags #pro mia #rant #binge eating #depression #eating disoder tw #eating disorder #sad

[fantasticalleigh]

LOL! You're the one who eats shit because you're sucking down shitty protein shakes in your quest to become Anorexia Taylor-Joy. Congrats for keeping the diet industry in business, so it can go on driving women to eating disorders and the like. You hate your body. I feel sorry for you, all that time and energy wasted on chasing an image you will *never* obtain.

Nobody cares about your puerile posts about your boring sessions at the gym, or what you ate or didn't eat, or how "lumpy" you feel you are today. This is tumblr, where we say "fuck you" to all that stuff. If you can't figure that out, you're just plain stupid, or you like sounding like a sad, diet-obsessed person with zero self esteem. It's like you shit yourself in public and you're too dumb to know why people are pointing and laughing at you.

this is some serious projection. you need help.

you know why i train so much and eat a lot of protein? it’s so i can grow muscle, my dear. my aim has always been to gain strength.  my body is lumpy in some places and firm in others because just like you, i’m made of fat and bone and muscle. i can describe myself however the fuck i want and yet for some reason “lumpy” really seems to have struck a nerve in you--i wonder why?

and if no one else cares about my posts? boo-fucking hoo. it’s still my blog and i still get to post about it if i want to because weightlifting is a big part of my life and it’s something i love doing. it’s leg day for me today anyway which is great bc i love those, and you damn better bet i’m gonna have a protein shake afterward. it’s gonna be vanilla flavor. and i’m gonna dedicate that shake to you, anon.

I don’t know who the fuck you are but you sound like you’re 15.  you’re accomplishing nothing other than hurting yourself by spewing this shit at me. I already said unfollow me and go eat shit but i guess you need to be told things twice.

#notice how they keep bringing up diet obsessed #when have i ever posted about food restriction or diet planning?? lmao #go touch a field #or like i said yesterday #talk to me off anon if you're so concerned #bet you won't #implying i'm anorexic of all things jfc #i've barely talked about all the muscle i've put on this past year #bc i wanna keep the illusion that i'm not that self-obsessed but DAMN these biceps are popping lately #and my lil baby quads are finally showing up more if i do say so myself #and my lats have grown so much they make my shirts tight across the chest lmao i've actually gone UP a size or two bc of muscle! #imagine that! #it's almost like you don't know me! :) and what a friggin relief

[bowl-of-shortness]

Uhhhhh here’s a vent about something my mom said a few days ago that’s still be bothering me. Like this bothered me to the point of crying.

Also, before I go any further, my mom was trying to help and I know that, but she did it in a really terrible way. Do not attack her or her character in the reblogs I will actually get genuinely mad at you.

Good people can fuck up too y’know.

But this is gonna be about a few things.

Me when my mom suggests I go to a weight loss clinic because I have gained a lot of weight recently.

I’m not even considered fat or anything like that. I’m not skinny either, but the fact that god forbid I have a little bit of chub around me stomach and shit is beyond frustrating.

I’m in the middle area of being fat and skinny. And yet the second I’m not skinny and it’s like the end of the fucking world.

It isn’t even my mom giving me the most shit about it. It’s actually my dad. My dad literally asked me, two weeks after we stopped eating out as much, if I had lost any weight.

I exercise, I try my best to eat healthy options with my ARFID (Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder).

But I try also to bring up solutions to the diet issue. Because nobody in my family eats “right”. But even when I do that, every single thing I tell my dad, he shoots down instantly.

For instance: I said I needed him to get me some yogurt from the store (which by the way, it’s already pulling teeth to get him off his ass to put together a grocery list when we have NOTHING in the house.) and I mentioned it was a healthier option, and instantly he shoots it down saying “it’s not really healthy.”

I know what he wants me to do

He wants me to eat the fruits and vegetables raw and by themselves. Which guess what! I can’t fucking do because of ARFID, sensory issues, and my digestive sensitivities from CFS! I will literally throw them back up!

Vegetables are about the other thing I can eat raw that won’t make me vomit and even then it’s hit or miss on if it’ll trigger my texture issues.

But that’s another thing, I have all of this issues, my parents have it in all their ability to get me help for these issues, to get me diagnosed. And I still have to self diagnose.

Example, last week, I wore compression stockings to work because I stand a lot, and guess what, they worked! Great! Awesome! Right? My parents should’ve been ecstatic about it!

But no.

While I’m in the car, on my way home, my dad is throwing an absolute fit over how could these things worked and that I should’ve never bought, and that I’ll have to see another doctor again, and yada yada yada.

I get home finally, and my mom makes the “maybe I should get you in with (her doctor) in order to get you a recommendation over to the weight loss clinic.” Comment, because apparently, barely any extra weight = excruciating pain from standing for too long.

By the way, I’m 175.5 pounds.

#alchemy vents

[creaturebehavior]

this will be good for me, it’s going to force me to confront my fears head-on. which i always fucking hate but it’s the only way. and it will be worth it. i already i feel like every meal i eat could be a death trap because i don’t know what’s in it. so it’s time to face my eating disorder and just try and. well i dunno how i’m gonna do it. i wish i could get some outpatient treatment but i dunno if that’s possible. one step at a time, i guess. i hate my current diet anyway, i don’t enjoy it, for the most part i eat purely because i have to, and i eat whatever food i have to interact with the least, i dissociate, eat mechanically, i come to, and im unhappy. and whenever im binge eating, im not satisfied or happy. that’s why i eat and eat and eat because none of it is is even good so i don’t ever feel fulfilled. my relationship with food is miserable. i loathe the food i eat. Yet i see other peoples diets and i feel envy. i wonder what it’s like to enjoy what you eat for basically every single meal. there’s so much joy im missing out on. i love watching cooking shows and stuff, like i find food to be so interesting and appealing and i care about it, but my diet does not incorporate the foods i actually care about or any of the foods i desire to eat. and i feel so disconnected from people, as well. because having an eating disorder just is isolating by nature. i cannot relate to the way other adults are with food. i fear food. yet i admire it from afar. i only allow myself to eat good food whenever someone else has prepared it. but if it turns out i have allergies, i really need to cook my own food. it’s not that i don’t think i’m capable of cooking, it’s that i have a real fear of being seen while i’m cooking or eating. if i lived alone i wouldn’t be as worried. i still don’t enjoy interacting with my food but i would be so okay with trying to get used to it if i lived alone

[madnesswithasideofsanity]

I guess I do have disordered eating

:readmore:

I can’t talk to any friends bc either they’re working on it themselves or they refuse to acknowledge the systems at play

I can’t talk to ANY family because they gave it to me and sustain it, plus I’m actually fat now so nothing I say anywhere close to the matter could make them see me as an actual person

Finding a therapist is fucking impossible

And even then besides a therapist I just want them, at least one of them, to understand what they did to me and that they’re still hurting me

For Christ’s sake I tell you Worrying symptoms I have and you choose to tell me it’s a diet issue while starting at the snack I have in my hand? The same fucking shit you LITERALLY just made for yourself but smaller? Are you serious? But if I say anything it’s an Issue

I couldn’t even swallow. I instinctively threw it out before I even knew what I did. Couldn’t even swallow the bite in my mouth. How many times are you going to do this to me?

Now I can barely eat cereal or fucking seaweed without feeling sick. Everyone would’ve been so much happier if I let myself develop full blown bulimia they’re just too chickenshit to admit it to themselves

I don’t gag often, I almost NEVER throw up (less than ten times since age 7), turns out I can’t make myself throw up, and I hate vomit. That and spite are the only reasons I don’t purge

Instead I just. Binge and starve and pray something or someone kills me. But it hasn’t. 16 years of prayer and the best I seem to have going for me are whatever bullshit mold is in my room or my plan for next Wednesday. If I don’t chicken out again

But I can’t say anything ever

Especially not on their birthday/anniversary

Look I know I don’t matter but at least don’t be a fucking prick about it

I want to break so many things

Sooooooooo many things who gives a shit if my neck is involved

#this has been your local nia #tw ed #disordered eating mention #but im selfish and self centered ig #tw ed rant #tw suicidal ideation

[emptylittlebug]

6/14/23

247.0

In: Adderall, Wellbutrin, McD’s large Diet Coke, McD’s large vanilla ice coffee (230), ham sandwich for lunch (470), sloppy joe sandwich for dinner (254), Cutie mandarin after dinner (47), fml.. cosmic brownie (270) 1271 total

Out: fitbit says 2833cal

Total: -1562 cal

Today:

I feel very meh today. Like a blob. Like a sleepy, giggly, blob.

I took my Adderall for the first time in a month. Hopefully that’ll help some 😅

I watched Best Little Girl In The World last night for the first time. Been dealing with eating disorders since 2004 and just watched it for the first time. Ha. It was definitely not as good as I keep seeing it is. But it was a decent movie. The ending pissed me off and was sooo rushed. Literally “i saw my worse than me friend die and now I can eat ice cream and laugh and go home” within 10ish minutes of the movie. But. I felt it was important enough to document on here lmao.

I’m tired. That’s all. Might update later. Idk.

Just know I’m still here. Fat, pathetic, annoying, but here.

Oh yeah. My mom just started a new diet…. Iykyk.

She’s counting calories for the first time in her life. Guess who she calls every fucking meal to ask what is low calorie and will fit into her 1,200 limit a day? 🙄

Edit:

It’s 7:06pm. Just updated my in/out cals.

Making my first rule… no food after 7pm.

Second rule… 1000 cal max.

I totally didn’t document here that we have a beach trip planned for September.

13 weeks from tomorrow… 92 days.

Edit:

12:10am. Updated my in/out. I noticed it was 11:30 and decided to try to hit my steps and cal goals for the day 😅 Running in place is weird when you’re trying to not sound like dropping bricks to the downstairs apartment neighbors lmao. I’m sure they hate me. But I did get 7660/10000 steps and 2833/3000 cals burned.

Maybe I’ll try to hit the goals tomorrow. I don’t wanna burn myself out again though. But trying to hit the goals might be good.

And.

Once the apartment complex fixes my fucking a/c (been waiting for over a month…) I was thinking about trying a workout video every night. Idk which one yet. But anything is better than nothing! I just have to wait for a/c because a workout video when its 92° inside is just NOT gonna happen…. Not with my burning up 247lb ass already sweating and chafing in awful places…

Hmm. What should my beach goal weight be? It’s 13 weeks away. First time at the beach in 7 years.

I’ll obviously still be fat as hell. But I can be less fat as hell.

2-4lbs a week? 220-200? That’s too broad.

200 goal but be happy if I hit 215? Yeah I like that one.

47lbs in 13 weeks….

#emptylittlebug #rules

[tnerb90]

Like the legend of the Phoenix...

Today is the first day of the rest of your life...

Yes, it’s true. It’s been almost 2 years since my last post and here we go again. It feels like Into the Spiderverse. Let’s start from the beginning one more time....I wanted to create a new profile and start fresh, acting like none of the previous failures happened. I’m still tempted to, even as I write. 

But here we go again. I read through each and every post again, looking for patterns. Looking for strengths. Looking for lessons basically. So what happened? A fuckton of different factors, I’m sure. Underlying stress was a big one. I didn’t really acknowledge it much in past posts because I didn’t realize how drastic it was until I started my current job, outside of counseling. Since 2019 when I started...global pandemic. Fired from CHILL. Took 2 jobs that I flamed out on, including a DOH investigation and dealt with that for several months. More?... All the change at PV... Jessie leaving. Jone being fired. Peggy leaving. Desiree taking over as my boss.... also promotion to PHP Manager... burning the fuck out. Changing buildings.... A lot of stress. Looking back, it’s such a relief that I’m not there anymore. I quit PV in April 2022, so it’s been nearly a year now. Working at Conquest now obviously. From early on, I could tell this was a much better fit for me, and it continues to be. Especially stress-wise.... 

But the stress stuff was just underlying it all. Looking at my habits themselves, I can see a lot of areas for improvement... namely, the fad diet thing. I mean, I said it from day 1 that I’ve tried them all and nothing’s worked. So of course, I continue the same method again and failed again. Sure, I lost weight each time. But how sustainable was it? Obviously not very. Because I never once got below 300. Idk if that’s a mental barrier or what. But it sucks. I was doing so well. Got to 300 then gained it back + more. Then got to 302 or whatever...of course, I gained it back+more. Again. A -fuckin-gain.... Looking back, even though it felt like I was onto something (again, losing weight wasn’t the issue, I was doing it). But the method was unsustainable. Panicking over whether beans are too high carb. Sugar free italian ice...corn... chili...apples and honey on rosh hashana. Like come on man. You were doing great! Why was I so worked up about being perfect. It was such an unhealthy all-or-nothing mindset. I felt that if I wasn’t perfect, it was a failure. So one slip easily leads to “fuck it” I can’t do it! Or fuck it! Today’s ruined anyway, might as well start fresh tomorrow. Or monday. Or.... next year. Idk.

Ok, stress. Trying the same old methods/mindset. What else? I’m sure I started smoking again right after the last post. It was late July, early Aug when I got my card. So I’m sure that + the “promotion” and the shitshow that followed did it for me. 

What else?

I’m burying the lede here. The biggest thing I’ve learned so far this time, is I need help... I always do this shit alone. Because I’m afraid to be a burden on others. Or afraid that if I’m accountable to someone I can’t quit and ghost on myself. 

Okay. So those were the major lessons taken from a negative side. Now the positives.... in one of the previous posts, I had the eureka moment that should have always been obvious, but I guess I was in denial or something. I have a fucking eating disorder. BED? Sure. Regardless of the diagnosis, I overeat. Not just overeat. I eat to soothe myself. I eat as a coping mechanism. I can’t believe it wasn’t as obvious my whole life. Like wow. I was stressed AF. I ate. Then I was at peace on the couch. What a fucking concept. Really hard puzzle to figure out. 

(Sidebar- another negative I forgot to mention. I was so harsh on myself. I beat myself up for every little detail, mistake, craving, etc. so maybe I’ll trying being easier on myself, not bees a sarcastic ass like in the previous paragraph.)

Ok. Strengths. I understand now that I was using food to cope. It’s a huge development for me. Like Rogers said, now that I accept it, I can change it. Another thing positive, is I was journaling! I had an outlet! That was awesome. And apparently it’s still beneficial for me to look back on and learn from myself. My mindset. etc.  

So overall, I couldn’t handle my stress. I was using food to cope with that stress. I was being perfectionistic, all-or-nothing about it. I was being harsh on myself. Another thing I forgot to mention was how concerned I was at times with what others may have thought. So again, doing it alone. Hiding it from others. Ironically, I think I did that in order to feel like I wasn’t doing it “for them”. If I do it alone without telling anyone, I’m obviously doing it for myself right? Nah. I need support. Help. Accountability. All of it. And on my own, what did I do? Intermittent fasting. Keto. IF again...counting cals... keto again... Through these past few years, I was also so paralyzed by fear. I didn’t know what to do. I kept failing. I didn’t know what to do that would work... it was really scary for a while. I felt I needed bariatric surgery. I saw no hope otherwise. And the price was of course out of reach.... 

And here we are. March 1, 2023. Another do-over. But what else can I do? Stop trying? Give up? No. Like the legend of the phoenix, all ends with beginnings. So again, I rise and try again. Fall down 7 get up 8. To be continued in my next post above.

[likeapray3r]

Have a lot to say today… have been pondering all day. I feel a little bad about being rude to my mom the last time I saw her… I am constantly on edge and nothing like myself around my parents. I guess I just feel off when I’m with them. Part of me just never wants them to have access to the parts of me that are honest and true because every single time I’ve ever given an inch of myself in any way they’ve taken it and somehow found every way to use it against me or find a way to make me feel bad so they can manipulate me to change my mind about my own personal set of morals. I don’t know… I was extra triggered when she started talking about her and my fathers new Diet blah blah blah diet this diet that *insert comment about another diet-obsessed family member constantly talking about needing to lose weight as a conversation topic* it’s just never ending for them. I feel like I’ve been hearing the same conversation for 23 years and I’ve finally had enough of it. I kind of snapped at her … I know she might not even see it as an issue but it’s just so deeply rooted and nobody can convince me otherwise. It’s not normal to go your entire life talking about needing to transform yourself physically over and over again in this obsessively insecure and intense way… I know I’ve definitely had the same thought pattern before but it’s just that… I honestly only signed up for workout classes to help my Bad Brain because my mental health has always been really overwhelming and it’s one of the first suggestions to take when wanting to improve a mind and overall well-being…I have refused to step on a scale, I never wonder about it, I honestly don’t care to know. I know I feel great! I eat whatever I want! Yeah it’s nice to see “positive” physical changes happen to the infrastructure of my humanity flesh suit but I don’t want to think of any of these changes as “goals”. Idk I just know I personally have gone through A LOT lately and it’s been a constant change and transformation in many aspects! I guess I just wish other people can change their viewpoint on body image but I know it’s a deeply unfortunate cause to a standard society has set out way before anyone could ever realize it’s all an egoic ploy and modernized capitalistic cash grab that sells “saving” yourself. They sell a dream that people will finally see you as a “human” because you look a way that’s “acceptable” and “good” and “clean” or whatever the fuck these freaks think. Maybe try this fad diet :) and buy this targeted product!!! I think it’s just ugly. And a really personal topic. I mean, these are the same people who made it their priority to let me know I didn’t fit their standards before I could even form my own coherent thoughts. I just think their cruelness was a double edged sword. They made me hate myself so early on in life but I still want them to realize it isn’t ok to think like this because I can’t imagine what it’s like a day in their mind, for years and years on end. I know it isn’t about me but it doesn’t feel right to know a lot of this was all swept under the rug and I never received the support and overall love especially when they knew how bad it got for me at certain times. It just feels sick and twisted. Why was it that their first instinct when they found out about my disordered eating+depression+self harm+openly suicidal confessions was to threaten and hit me over and over again. Why was I only yelled at. Why did all of it ever revolve around them. I feel like I never got any safety over it. It was hours of pure hell and then never spoken about again. I just had to figure out how to fix myself all on my own. And now I can openly admit that I am doing better than I ever have…and there’s STILL a lot of work to do. It just doesn’t sit right with me that these conversations still exist when they know everything. It just feels wrong. It doesn’t feel right at all. And I know they think I’m selfish for not wanting to hear about it now. I don’t know

[myheartbeginstorace]

140

The fucked up thing about weight loss and body image is how and where you feel motivated. With my eating disorder I sometimes feel better after doing the worst things to myself, and feel my worst when I’ve done everything right. I don’t feel that much different when it comes to losing weight the “healthy” way. I pretty much just starve myself. Or, at least, that’s how it feels even though I’m technically within my “healthy point range” or whatever bullshit system I’m using this time. I think the most just fucked up part about it is that it works. I know in theory my stomach is “shrinking” helping me feel more full after less food, therefore reinforcing the change, etc. But while your stomach hasn’t “shrunk” and you’re still eating less I just feel like I’m training myself to not eat even when hungry. I think about how he once said that every time he feels hungry on a diet he brushes his teeth, and I guess I’m not that different. I pretty much consistently will stick something in my mouth, lately it’s been my teeth whitening blue light, but it keeps the hunger away from being busy. My stomach aches and grumbles and I’ve gotten myself in the habit of ignoring it. It almost is that positive reinforcement, “yes, I’m hungry and my body will eat itself instead of something new, that’s what I’m trying to do.” I just wish I didn’t care this much. I wish I could just look at myself and be happier every day. I wish I wasn’t constantly goaded with people who are skinnier than me. Fake happier than me. Getting what I want from being thin. I just wish skinny privilege would move along. I’m so endlessly tired of life being better when I’m thinner and being worse when I’m not. I wish something in my life would re-enforce that I’m fine where I am and I don’t need to dramatically change myself. I think back to when I hit 128. I still wanted to be thinner. I was definitely in peak health and fitness and for the sake of confidence, happier, but god I still felt big. It makes me wonder if I actually do have a weight where I would be happy every day or if it’s just some fake illusion that I’ll never achieve in the distance. 

#diary

[thisisjustafiller]

food log and babble

6/3

i’m so upset

10:00AM: tea

12:00PM: coffee, 2 squares of chocolate (100)

3:00PM: chicken salad wrap with cheese, quest chips (320)

8:30PM: pickles, strawberries, celery, tuna salad wrap (210)

10:30PM: nicks icecream, chocolate covered blueberries (210)

total: 840

ughh i was so hungry today. craving sweets. at least i kept things under control. i guess my body is fighting back, so i’ll have to think about bulk tomorrow.

boyfriend is restricting like an idiot. i know, rich of me to say. but it takes one to know one. now he tells me the gym doesn’t offer dieting help, and doesn’t want to go back to his previous nutritionist. he wants me to help him meal plan, which translates to ignoring me, not planning shit, and starving. i called him out on his shit and all he gave me was some classic ed lines. he also refuses to calorie count because “it’s too hard” but tbh i don’t think he wants to be confronted with what he’s doing. or won’t own up to it. in the mean time i can eyeball it and know he ate around 700 calories today and maybe 600 yesterday. “i’m too fat to be anorexic” fuck you. it’s a mental disorder, not a weight requirement. there isn’t anything i can do besides try and push him when it comes to meal plans, be annoying and count all of his calories for him and show him, or possibly come clean about myself. but really all i can do is let this happen since i know he’s going to fight me and isn’t going to listen. none of us do. can’t believe he’s moved out four days ago and immediately began starving himself. he’s fucking fasting before he goes out tomorrow night and has already told me his plan to eat light. fuck, maybe he really doesn’t realize what he’s doing. i didn’t until i was already a year into it with keto and looking back at my food logs.

ah fuck. fuck fuck fuck. i feel guilty for this. i’ve hidden well enough my ed history and i don’t do this shit in front of him so he shouldn’t have picked this up from me but i still feel like he did. i know i didn’t do this and i see how he got here on his own but ahhhhhhhhhh FUCK. just knowing that being in close proximity to someone with an ed makes someone statistically way more likely to develop one makes me feel like some kind of plague rat. jesus i hope he hasn’t been comparing his weight loss progress to mine and feels like he needs to compete. 

i guess if he won’t listen and bump his intake up i’ll start dropping harm reduction tips. get him on some vitamins and electrolytes or something.

[aljdkskjx]

I LOST TWICE AS MUCH WEIGHT AS MY BROTHER THIS WEEK AND THAT PISSED HIM OFF SO MUCH IM SO FUCKING HAPPY !!!!!

#fuck you man #he thinks he’s so much better than me and that i was gaining weight because his diet is better than mine #BUT GUESS WHAT I’M NOT ON A FUCKING DIET I HAVE AN EATING DISORDER #anamia #anorexik #thinspi #eating disoder #lana.txt

[zouisalmightie]

for the love of god if another person tells me the best way to lose weight is having a calorie deficit.... do you know how many calories i eat a day just by looking at me? no! stop giving fat people unsolicited advice. you are not a dietician! you read one better health article and think you know what you’re talking about get the fuck out of my face

#this bitch i already eat less calories than my body needs and guess what my body is in starvation mode and is turning everything i eat into #fat! becasue that is what a lot of bodies do when you don’t get enough calories in it! #and guess what!!! that does not work for my body! but more importantly NO ONE FUCKIN ASKED YOU #you worked part time at a gym for 6 months you’re literally an expert on nothing suck my ass #i have been under feeding myself for YEARS because of my eating disorder and guess what it’s not making me skinny but now iget sick eating! #shut the fuck up!! #body image tw #diet talk tw #eating disoder mention #idk how to tag this to not trigger anyone else sorry y’all i’m just so mad

[ladyalienist]

Radical Fatphobia

I just gotta love how in all the "hot topics" radfems got (surrogacy, sex industry, TRA/queer nonsense, abortion ban, you name it, we got it) the discourse about beauty standards seem to revolve around shaving and make-up.

Don't get me wrong, those are important issues, both for us and the enviroinment. But... aren't we kinda sleeping on the other big thing about beauty standards for women? Which is... being thin?

I mean. Many of you will speak about eating disorders and starving one's self in order to reach the unattainable body standard we have or about how body standards change every decade or so causing women to never feel good in their bodies, but I'm afraid that so many of you are totally... not understanding just how much "being thin=being morally good" is ingrained in your brain.

Like, when I started peeking into feminist (liberal ones) circles back into 2014-2015 sometimes I would stumble upon the occasional fat-positive thing. "It's ok to have a belly!", "Fat and fabulous!", and I'm pretty sure liberals are still sometimes giving these little pills of comfort to us fatties. In radical feminism... this topic seems to just not exist. Not being discussed. Nada de nada, just the occasional "oh so many young girls are starving themselves to look like literal skeletons :(", and that's true but what about those girls who do not look like skeletons?

I'll be brutally blunt: I think that many of you do not give a fuck.

I've seen positivity posts being derailed into talking about visceral fat and lectures about how we're gonna die soon. I've seen every possible critique to HAES approach, from very grounded to very stupid.

Trust me: FAT WOMEN KNOW THIS. We know we're gonna die soon, we know visceral fat is killing us, we know every fucking stat in the box, because THE WHOLE WORLD IS EAGER TO TELL US, the whole world wants us to be miserable every time, and guess what? That's mostly because of capitalism. The very same capitalism radfem ideology tries to fight, you know.

The science behind weight and nutrition is not as black and white as so many of you want to believe it is. Dieting is a multi-billion dollars industry that relies on its own inefficiency - this means: DIETS. DO NOT. WORK. In 95% of cases. The only thing that gives a hope for consistent weight loss is surgery, with all the associated risks, and even then... it's not GRANTED. We do not know how to make fat people thin, and it is NOT OUR FAULT. We do not know how to properly "cure" obesity - hell we struggle even to define it, because BMI is a shitty way to do so.

"Fat people should keep in mind that they will die young" yeah and you know what makes our lives even shorter? The constant, unavoidable knowledge that being fat means people will be disgusted by us. The guilt we feel for enjoying a fucking plate of pasta. The stress of being targeted and harassed since age five, of being put on diets soon after, of being the bottom of every joke, of having fewer chances not only at a fullfilling love life (I could write another long rant about what relationships are like as a fat woman) but also at a satisfying career in every field and good social circles, of having things (clothes, cars, public transport) not designed for us. Stress fucking destroys every system in human body but somehow it's just visceral fat's fault, and thus fat people do not deserve any positivity in their life, they do not deserve to think "my body can be ok the way it is even if I have a tummy", no, they must feel miserable all the fucking time even in self-called radical feminist spaces. No fucking fat person, let alone woman, wants to be fat: if we had a safe, functioning way to become thin we would do it. But God forbid we ever, ever stop hating our bodies, no matter how much in every other instance it's clear that it leads us nowhere.

Honestly fuck you and your faux concern for health. I never see you this eager to tell smokers that they will die young, I never see you talking about how legal drugs can and will cause health problems, or about the toxicity of sugary food in general. It's always about visceral fat.

If you are not fat yourself I don't care how much you seriously think you're in the right for saying that fat is a risk for health under any little fat positivity post, fuck you. The person behind the post most likely perfectly knows and you've just made their day a little more miserable with no reason other than... you still thinking you're morally superior.

And just so you know, even if your BMI is 18 and you only eat salads and spend all of your spare time at the gym... you will, eventually, die. Just like us fatties.

#radblr #radical feminsim #radical feminism critique #honestly some of you really really need to realize that you're not better than anyone else #fat woman life #some people are fat #fat positvity #I think that many of you are in good faith so really do not take it personally #but if you indulged in such a behavior I don't know how to tell you #radical feminist safe #radfems do touch #and radfems do critique if necessary #maybe I'm blind to something and mistaking #useless ramble

[miraeluc]

you have an eating disorder

prompt: “you never had issues with food - that is until your boyfriend makes a remark about your weight.”

pairing: katsuki bakugo x female! reader

word count: 1.6k

warnings: MAJOR TW!! anorexia, there’s swearing

genre: fluff, angst 

NOTE: this is not proofread at all and it’s kinda short, i was struggling to finish it a lot, sorry :(

you were never one to pay special attention to your diet or anything

life is short, why spend it worrying about how your body looks?

food is food man, and you need it to live 

there was no fun in dieting either, it’s not like you were ever fat anyway - with daily training you were in shape!

sure there were thinner girls, but like i mentioned, you just liked enjoying food without having to worry about losing weight all the time 

your boyfriend, bakugo, just does not know how to express himself 

he’s not the type to really pay any mind to your figure, he finds you pretty anyway 

and its a plus anyway - whenever he feels full he can just push his plate towards you and you’ll gladly finish it for him 

that is until one day

you were sitting with the baku squad at lunch

mina was telling you about a new tiktok trend she had stumbled upon and found hilarious 

denki was currently fighting for his life against bakugo after saying his hair looked like he was just hit by an electricity quirk before he proceeded to zap him lightly 

kirishima was regretting all of his life decisions when he decided to try and help denki 

sero was just sat there,, recording it so he could show them just how stupid they looked afterwards

kirishima finally managed to pull said angry-boy away from kaminari 

you always said he’s like a little angry pomeranian when angry lol 

back to the plot omg i got carried away

after bakugo was calm enough to take his initial seat beside you, he was already too full and just overall not hungry

so he pushed his plate towards you 

“eat up, fatass.” he grumbled out

you just looked up at him with wide doe-eyes, not expecting an insult to slip off his tongue

it was bakugo, what’d you expect lmao 

you looked down at the plate, suddenly feeling very not hungry anymore, instead pushing the plate away as you grabbed your bag to stand up

“actually, i’ll head up to my room, i feel a bit sick”

you immediately left after that, not seeing the confused glances the table exchanged, mina smacking bakugo’s head

you went to your room and laid down, not knowing why bakugo’s comment had made you feel upset

you never get upset when he makes dumb remarks!!

so why now!!

oh 

you realised it when you were stood in front of the mirror, shirt lifted, staring at your own body

you did gain some weight.

you were upset at yourself because you usually didn’t mind!!

you know weight fluctuates, you know the small amount of chub you have will eventually pack it’s little bags and leave again 

but it hurt because you wanted to be pretty for your boyfriend.

how could you be when he says you’re a fatass?

eventually, you ended up scrolling through your phone, looking at thin girls all day

you also looked up a few diets that worked very fast 

by the time bakugo was aggressively knocking at your door you had closed all of the pages you were previously looking at 

as soon as you swung the door open he strutted in, seating himself on your bed

“what was with you running off at lunch today?” he looked at you 

you were still stood at your door like.... mm ok i guess make yourself at home 

“huh? i told you, i felt a little sick.” you mumbled, closing the door again, it was getting late and you were not looking to be beheaded by aizawa

he scoffed “if you say so.” he laid down, kicking your blanket to the side

“i brought you some snacks - incase you got hungry..” he said, his face looking like >:( 

he didn’t get them because he knew you liked them and wanted to make you happy! not at all!!

he just didn’t want to put up with you being whiny

that’s for sure the reason 

you giggled, throwing yourself ontop of him - sounds of protest coming from him but he did wrap his arms around you 

“since when are you so nice, katsuki?!” you teased

lol wrong move 

in 0.01 seconds you were flipped over and held down as he started tickling you 

“i’m not nice!”

the next morning you left extra early to avoid getting breakfast with bakugo

he didn’t seem to be bothered by it, he also has days where he just doesn’t feel like eating early in the morning so 

it does start to bother him when that one day of skipping breakfast turned into every day

his google search bar is like 

‘why does my gf not eat’

‘do girls not eat breakfast’

but this bitch is also too scared to approach you at first because he doesnt want you to know he truly cares 

his ego is still too high for that 

but you know better

you know he cares but sometimes you don’t feel good enough for him

you can’t help but compare yourself to other girls at your school

you distance yourself unknowingly, lost in the counting calories and exercising every day

everyone but you notices that you’re literally spiraling 

you don’t notice that you look sick, skin paling and cheekbones getting more prominent every passing day 

you don’t notice the growing eyebags under your eyes 

all you notice is other pretty girls and how you want to look like them.

at first, your friends decide to give you some space, thinking that maybe you have to fix this within yourself and need space

and you do, but someone needs to snap you out of your little bubble 

that someone is bakugo 

so it goes like this 

during training, he noticed your legs being a little more wobbly than usual 

and he noticed that you were unfocused, not being able to dodge all of the enemies attacks 

but something inside of him snaps when aizawa has to stop the fight because you were not even fighting back anymore

before aizawa even arrived in front of you, your world went black and you collapsed

bakugo was so angry at your training enemy 

didn’t they fucking see your struggle?? 

did they really have to be stopped by their teacher??

would they even have stopped if it werent for aizawa?? 

probably not

but he didnt have time to go and yell at them because he was running towards you 

aizawa let him pick you up

“bring her to recovery girl.”

of course he did 

everyone watching was so shocked 

because bakugo didn’t let out a sound the entire time 

his face was pulled into a frown, as usual, but he wasn’t speaking- no, yelling

he showed past his classmates, walking towards recovery girl’s office

“ribbit, why was he so quiet?”

recovery girl was like ?!?!?! what the fuck happened when was the last time she ate

she had to give you a total parenteral nutrition

(that means nutrition/fluids are delivered into your body via a catheter placed in a vein of your body, usually lower arm)

when you woke up bakugo was sat next to the bed, reading the back of some medicine bottle he found there

when he noticed you awake he perked up a little, shoulders visibly relaxing

“what happened?” 

he narrowed his eyes, wondering for a second if you were serious 

“you’re starving yourself to near death, that’s what happened.”

you immediately grimaced

“did i pass out in front of everyone?”

“is that seriously what you’re worried about?!”

you remained quiet, looking away

“y/n, look at me.” he gently guided your head to face him

“i don’t know what drove you to do this to yourself, but i need you to stop. you’re going to die if you don’t stop. what idiot made you think you need to do this to yourself?! i’ll kill them!”

..

“you told me i was a fatass”

his jaw dropped

fuck

“you know i don’t mean when i insult you! i hide the fucking fact that i WANT you to eat by using insults! i’m so sorry..”

his voice went soft at the end

he truly felt so bad :(

he was the one that was supposed to protect you from others hurting you yet here he was, being the one that caused you to hink you weren’t worthy enough

“i know, but there’s so many much more prettier girls than me, i was afraid you’d lose feelings if i wasn’t thin enough.”

“are you kidding?! you’re the only one i have eyes for! all those other extra’s can fuck off, i don’t give a single shit about them!”

you were kinda tearing up

“do you promise?”

god, he felt so bad.

he sat on the edge of the bed, reluctantly pulling you in a hug 

“i promise”

from that day on he made sure to remind you to eat meals, even if it was just something small

he ripped everyone’s heads off if they made a comment about your eating habits and/or weight

and he made sure you were the only one he loved

the day he saw you collapse something broke inside of him

it opened his eyes that hiding his emotions from you wouldn’t help you in your relationship

so while he supported you to build your feelings of self-worth and eating habits, you helped him start to open up, teaching him that showing emotions wasn’t embarassing

no one else knew how soft he could get with you and it should stay that way

you had a long way to go but it was all worth it in the end

he was your little angry pomeranian <33

requests: open

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#bnha #mha #bnha x reader #mha x reader #katsuki bakugo x reader #katsuki x reader #bakugo x reader #eating disorder #eating disorder recovery #bnha fluff #bnha angst #denki kaminari #eijiro kirishima #mha fluff #mha angst #bakugo angst #bakugo fluff #bakugo drabble