2023 Reads
A new year means a new book list! I don't think I can top my 2022 count, but that's okay! I'm not totally sure what my reading goals this year will actually be, but I guess I'll sort it out on the way! XD For future reads, here's my 2024 list!
Four Treasures of the Sky - Jenny Tinghui Zhang
Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass - Frederick Douglass+
The Bear and the Nightengale - of the Winternight Trilogy by Katherine Arden
The Secrets We Keep - Mia Hayes
Indian Nations of Wisconsin: Histories of Endurance and Renewal - Patty Loew+
The First Sister - Linden A. Lewis^
The House of the Seven Gables - Nathaniel Hawthorne
The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian - Sherman Alexie
Fahrenheit 451 - Ray Bradbury~
Fin Mac Cool - Morgan Llewlyn^
How Long 'til Black Future Month by N. K. Jemisin
Lavinia - Ursula K Le Guin^
Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austin*
Black Cowboys of the Old West: True, Sensational, and Littke-Known Stories form History - Tricia Martineau Wagner+
The Mysteries of Thorn Manor - Margaret Roberson%
Disfigured: On Fairy Tales, Disability, and Making Space - Amanda Leduc+
Her Majesty's Royal Coven - Juno Dawson^
She Who Became the Sun~ - Shelley Parker-Chan*
The Witch King - H.E. Edgmon^
Love in the Time of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Legends & Lattes - Travis Baldree*
Mistress of the Art of Death - Ariana Franklin^
The Adventures of Amina El-Serafi - S.A. Chakraborty
Humankind: A Hopeful History - Rutger Bregman+
The Folk Keeper - Frannie Billingsly*%
Believe Me: A Memoir of Love, Death, and Jazz Chickens - (Suzy) Eddie Izzard+
Juniper & Thorn - Ava Reid
Upright Women Wanted - Sarah Gailey%
I Await the Devil's Coming - Mary MacLane+
Slaughterhouse Five - Kurt Vonnegut~
Revolting Prostitutes: The Fight for Sex Workers' Rights - Molly Smith & Juno Mac+
The Woman in White - Wilke Collins^
King of Battle and Blood - Scarlett St. Clair
Sarah - J.T. LeRoy^
The City Beautiful - Aden Polydoros^
Freshwater - Akwaeke Emezi
Always the Almost - Edward Underhill
All Systems Red - Martha Wells%
The Song of Achilles - Madeline Miller
Nevada - Imogen Binnie
A Dowry of Blood - S. T. Gibson
The Prince - Niccolo Machiavelli
The Second Rebel - Linden A Lewis
Get a Life Chloe Brown - Talia Hibbert
The Hero and the Crown* - Robin McKinley
What Happened to You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing - Bruce D Perry & Oprah Winfrey+^
Can't Spell Treason Without Tea - Rebecca Thorne
The Eye of the Heron - Ursula K Leguin
Artificial Condition -Martha Wells%
The Kraken's Sacrifice - Katee Robert%
Crown Duel - Sherwood Smith*
Rogue Protocol - Martha Wells%
Remarkably Bright Creatures - Shelby Van Pelt
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self Involved Parents - Lindsay C Gibson+
Wildcat: The Untold Story of Pearl Hart, the Wild West's Most Notorious Woman Bandit - John Boessenecker+
The History of Wales - History Nerds+%
Ander & Santi Were Here - Jonny Garza Villa
The Glass Castle - Jeanette Walls^
Rosemary and Rue - Seanan McGuire^
The Gilda Stories - Jewelle Gomez
Irish Fairy and Folk Tails - Various+
The Dead and the Dark - Courtney Gould
Haunted Wisconsin - Michael Norman and Beth Scott+
The Other Black Girl - Zakiya Dalila Harris
The Ruins - Scott Smith
He Who Drowned the World - Shelley Parker-Chan
Fledgling - Octavia Butler
Vampire Forensics: Uncovering the Origins of an Enduring Legend - Mark Collins Jenkins+
The Vampyre - John Polidori%
This is Halloween - James A Moore
Sorrowland - Rivers Soloman
The Lamb will Slaughter the Lion - Margaret Killjoy%
Mexican Gothic - Silvia Moreno-Garcia
Love Her or Lose Her - Tessa Bailey^
One Last Stop - Casey McQuiston*
The Last Hero - Linden A. Lewis
Lovelight Farms - B. K. Borison
Reindeer Falls Collection: Volume One - Jana Aston
Currently reading: One Last Stop (Audiobook to help me sleep XD)
Nonfiction is annotated by +
A Re-read is annotated by *
A book completed from the list below is annotated by ^
A Read with Empty will be annotated by ~
A Novella %
My current, loose and not that interesting goal for this year is to really work on the books I have current access to right now... at the start of this year. Because it's a lot XD This means books currently favorite in Scribd, on my StoryGraph 'to read' pile, or a book I currently own on my shelves. Main goal is at least one of these a month.
For my own personal reference, I'm putting a list of such books below to hold myself accountable.
Edit: Now the end of 2023, and here's a breakdown of my goal to read books I already had access to at the start of 2023:
I didn't read one a month per se, but I got more than 12 done, so I call this a win. These books are:
-Can't Spell Treason Without Tea - Rebecca Thorn
-The City Beautiful - Aden Polydoros
-Finn Mac Cool - Morgan Llewlyn
-The First Sister by Linden A Lewis (proceeded by the other two in the series)
-Get a Life, Chloe Brown - Talia Hibbert
-The Glass Castle - Jeannette Walls
-Haunted Wisconsin - Michael Norman & Beth Scott
-Her Majesty's Royal Coven - Juno Dawson
-I Await the Devil's Coming - Mary McClane
-The Kraken's Sacrifice - Katee Robert
-Lavinia - Ursula K Le Guin
-Love Her or Lose Her - Tessa Bailey
-Mistress of the Art of Death - Ariana Franklin
-Nevada - Imogen Binnie
-The Prince - Niccolo Machiavelli
-Rosemary and Rue - Seanan McGuire
-The Ruins - Scott Smith
-The Song of Achilles - Madeline Miller
-Sarah - J.T. LeRoy
-Vampire Forensics - Mark Collins Jenkins
-What Happened to You? - Oprah Winfrey
-The Witch King - H. E. Edgmon
-The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
The books I did not get around to reading from this list are as follows: Black Water Sister by Zen Cho; Blood Scion by Deborah Falaye (o); The Book of M by Peng Shepard (o); Charity and Sylvia by Rachel Hope Cleves (o); The Cruel Prince by Holly Black (a); The Echo Wife by Sarah Gailey (s); Fallen by Lauren Kate (o); Fanny Hill by John Cleland (o); Felix Ever After by Kacen Callender (s); The Glass Woman by Caroline Lea (s); The Great Hunger by Cecil Woodham-Smith (o); Helping Her Get Free by Susan Brewster (o); The Impossible Girl by Lydia Kang (s); Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold (o); The Merry Spinster by Daniel Lavery (o); On Earth We're Briefly Gorgeous by Ocean Vuong (o); The Poppy War by R. F. Kuang (s); Radiance by Grace Draven (a); Watching the Tree by Adeline Yen Mah (o); The Willows by Algernon Blackwood (s); Wings of Fire (o); Witches Steeped in Gold by Clannon Smart (o); The Wolf and the Woodsman by Ava Reid (s)
23/46
Whoa! That's exactly 50% of the books I had on my list! That's pretty cool! All in all, I consider this 2023 goal successfully done!
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the last first day
criminal minds fanfic
rating k
wordcount: 6.4k
part of the ‘hotchniss future au’ series
it's alex's first day at school and emily is struggling.
read on ff.net, ao3 or under the cut.
The long days and warm nights of Summer were drawing in, coming to an end. Slowly but surely, the temperature was dropping down from Summer’s average 95 degrees to something more bearable, something that didn’t leave people damp and panting. Still, the evenings were plenty warm enough for a dip in the pool, and so that was there they found themselves, on the final night of Summer vacation; gathered at the Rossi mansion, the squeals of the children drifting across the garden as they played and splashed in the pool.
"Mommy!" An excited voice called across the yard and Emily, standing on the patio, wrapped in a robe, swivelled to look, Aaron's hand skimming from her hip, across her tummy beneath the fluffy material, as she turned in his arm, glancing over his shoulder at the sound of his son's voice.
Alex had discarded his glasses, and was excitedly hopping from foot to foot on the grass, several feet away from the edge of the pool, full of nervous energy.
"You got this, my man!" Derek said, from the pool, dragging a hand over his face to clear the water from his eyes. He held out his arms, muscles wet and shining.
The rest of the adults had gathered at the edge of the patio, while the other kids, Jack, Ava, Livvy, Henry, and Michael, all cheered him on from the pool. The girls sat on the far edge, while the boys slapped the surface of the water and called his name, encouraging the youngest member of their swimming troupe. He was the only one who hadn't mastered this trick, yet. The only one still wearing bright orange floaters around his skinny little arms.
"Oh, god," Emily muttered, under her breath, so that only Aaron could hear, and he smiled, nuzzling his nose into her hair.
“He’ll be fine,” He muttered against her ear, “Relax.”
The grin of encouragement stayed on Emily’s face as she called, "You can do it, baby!" across the yard.
They all watched as Alex readied himself, a look of determination falling across his little face that was, for a moment, so startlingly similar to his father's that it took Emily’s breath away, and she grasped for Aaron’s hand on her stomach. Alex seemed to make a decision, when his eyes got that sharp look to them, and then began dragging his floaties off of his tiny little arms. Emily made a little noise of protest, prepared to shout to him across the yard, to tell him no, but Aaron gently squeezed her waist, and she stopped herself.
The armbands now discarded, Alex did the cutest little pitter-patter between feet, on the spot, before taking off in a run. Emily lurched forward a step, Aaron’s hand falling away and her heart hammering in her chest, visions of her youngest child slipping on the tiles flashing through her mind, but then Alex reached the edge of the pool and leapt. He flew through the air, his family, all but his mother, cheering him on, his tiny limbs flailing wildly until he tucked himself up into a neat little cannonball, and landed, with a splash, in the middle of the pool. The girls threw up their hands, squealing, to protect their faces, as did Derek, but the boys smacked the surface harder, sending up enormous geysers of water. Emily didn't breathe while Alex was underwater, but then his little blonde head - the source of much confusion for his parents - broke the surface and he was yelling, cheering for himself, as Derek hauled him up onto his shoulders, for a hero's lap around the pool.
Beside her, Aaron was whooping, with the rest of them.
“He’s so freaking cute,” Penelope said, from her other side, her hand resting serenely on her swollen belly. “If this kid isn’t that cute, I’m sending her back.”
They all laughed, heartily, at her joke, though Penelope maintained her serious expression before breaking into a grin and gently stroking a perfectly manicured hand down over her sundress, over her belly. They all moved towards the huge round table and Emily picked up her wine glass, taking a sip as JJ spoke.
“How’s the third trimester treating you, Pen?” She asked it lightly, though her eyes flit to Emily’s, apprehensively.
“Pretty awesome, I think,” Penelope’s face was the picture of pregnant bliss, though, beside her, Luke’s eyebrows shot up his forehead, his lips pressing together. There was a smattering of laughter across the table and Penelope turned to look at him, but as he did, his face fell into an appeasing smile. She rolled her eyes, opening her mouth, ready to chastise him or defend herself, but Luke broke into a grin, pressing a kiss to her lips before she had the chance to argue with him.
“Let’s just say, we’re both ready for the next part,” She stroked Luke’s cheek, lovingly, and Emily smiled at the open display of affection between the two of them, turning her head towards Aaron. He smiled at her, understanding, and took hold of her hand atop the white tablecloth.
“Yeah, I remember that feeling,” Will drawled, his arm thrown around JJ’s shoulders, and the men around the table shared an understanding laugh that had their wives rolling their eyes.
“What are you laughing at?” Emily asked Aaron, her eyebrows raised, “You know you were worse than I was while I was pregnant.”
“If by ‘worse’, you mean I fought with you to keep you out of the field then yes, I was worse.” Aaron conceded, nodding his head, unprepared to argue with his wife.
“Yeah, I’m glad I didn’t have that fight on my hands.” Luke nodded, looking immensely grateful.
“See, the thing about that,” JJ said, pausing as she lifted her beer to her lips, tilting it, instead, towards Luke, “Is that baby has two parents; if mum is out of the field, dad should be, too. That’s what we did.”
“That’s just impractical,” Rossi shook his head, “We’d lose out on half of the team.”
“How?” Emily laughed, “I haven’t been pregnant for five years, JJ for seven.”
There was the quick pitter-patter of tiny feet up the patio stairs, halting their discussion, and then, a piping little voice. “Mummy! Did you see?”
Emily got automatically to her feet, grabbing for the towel on the back of Aaron’s chair as Alex came flying towards her. She caught his tiny, soaked little body in it, wrapping it securely around him as he hugged her. “I saw, baby!” She knelt down, tucking the towel around his slim little shoulders and folding it in under his chin, as he began to shiver, “You did so good!”
But Alex wasn’t finished, and was still too full of that excitement, because he struggled his way out of the towel. He flit to his father’s side, bouncing from one foot to the other, and reaching for his beaker of juice as he accepted compliments from all of the adults for his terribly scary feat of athletics. Aaron ruffled his son’s hair, proudly, flicking water all over himself.
“Ten out of ten diving, bud, really.” Luke told him, standing up to reach across Penelope and offer his fist for Alex to bump it, which he did, proudly.
“You’re gonna have to teach Michael some of those skills,” JJ said, seriously, and Alex nodded, blonde hair getting into his eyes, his expression equally as earnest. JJ’s face broke into a smile, but Alex looked as though he were going to take this assignment very seriously indeed.
“Are you sure you don’t want to put your pjs on, baby?” Emily said, standing behind her youngest child and laying a gentle hand on his head. He shook his head, both in answer to her question, and to make her relinquish her hold on him. Finished with his drink, he made a noise that was somewhere between a car engine and a rogue balloon running out of air, pulled back his arms and shot off towards the pool, full of confidence and excitement. Emily watched him go, shaking his head, and there was a ripple of amused noises around the table.
It was then that Savannah emerged through the patio doors, to a round of cooing, though not at her, but at the bundle in her arms.
“He’s clean, again,” She announced, bouncing her son in her arms, and shaking her head, “They sure know how to make a mess don’t they?”
“They stay messy, the mess just changes,” Will warned her, with a grin and she grimaced.
“I can never get over how tiny he is,” Emily said, folding her hands under her chin as she sat herself down on Aaron’s knee. His hand fell onto her hip, and he offered her his beer, which she took a sip of, shook her head, and reached for her wine.
“It’s been a while since we had a baby around,” JJ stood up, peering down at Hank, all wrapped up in his white blanket, crocheted by Penelope. She wiggled her finger at him, and the baby reached for it, grabbing onto it with his pudgy little hand.
“How is he sleeping?” Aaron asked, “Jack was a great sleeper, Ava and Livvy not so much, then Alex was the worst of them all.”
“Still is.” Emily quipped.
“He’s going through his four month sleep regression,” Savannah explained, shaking her head, “So he’s not doing so great at the minute. For a while there, we were getting four or five hours in, but that’s over now. Especially this past week. We try to take it in turns, but he’s a fussy boy.” She glanced at Derek, climbing out of the pool. “Derek is great with him, but finds it so hard to settle him sometimes.”
“Uh-huh.” JJ and Emily said, in unison, and they met each others eyes with a knowing glance.
“What’s uh-huh?” Spencer asked, finally weighing in on the baby discussion.
“Little boys.” JJ gave a slight, knowing shake of her head.
“They always want their mommys.” Emily’s eyes had wandered back to the pool, where Derek was holding Alex under his arms, swinging him back and forth, ready to launch him into the pool where Jack waited, vigilantly.
“Little girls, too.” Aaron said, “There was a brief moment in time where I thought I’d get Livvy on my team, but no.” He shook his head, “If they’re sad or sick, that’s all mom. I don’t get a look in.” He winked at Emily, to show he was only teasing, even if she knew that he wasn’t, really. Sometimes she thought he was a little jealous of her, when the kids came to her first. So much so that she often redirected them to dad, so he didn’t feel pushed out.
“Ain’t that the truth.” Will tilted his beer in Hotch’s direction in a symbol of solidarity.
“Savannah,” Emily said, softly. The younger woman looked up from her son with a smile, and Emily held her hands out, flexing her fingers, tentatively, “May I?”
“Oh, my god, of course,” Savannah walked around the table, and gently passed the little bundle to Emily, making sure she was comfortable and confident before stepping away and returning to her seat beside Rossi.
“Hi, Hank, hi, sweet babe,” She cooed down at him, folding up his blanket to make sure he didn’t get chilly, as the evening drew in. He fussed a little, as he was jiggled from one set of arms to the other, but settled once Emily held him securely against her, cradling him expertly in her practised arms. “You’re so tiny,” She whispered to him, turning away from the group as they continued their discussion.
She wiggled her finger in front of him, like JJ had, and he reached for it, grasping it. His brown eyes went wide, and a little cross-eyed, as he focused on the tip of her finger, and Emily smiled, biting her lip, as she looked down at him. He had Derek’s eyes, that much was certain, but the rest of his perfect little face was all Savannah. He really was so small, and so light in her arms, and Emily knew that was the result of his having been premature.
She looked up from his little face, across the yard once more. The solar lights had finally come on, as the darkness closed in, but the pool was still lit up brightly.
Ava had gotten out of the pool and was sitting on the side, atop her towel, braiding her hair, having combed it out. Nearby, Livvy sat on one of the deck chairs, her nose in her latest book. In the pool, five year old Alex was floating on his back while Jack, twelve years his senior, supported his back, and Emily could see by the smile on her stepson’s face that he was encouraging his little brother all the way.
Alex had been premature. He’d come eight weeks early; Emily, considered a geriatric mother at forty, had been riddled with guilt for weeks, having to visit her tiny little boy in the NICU everyday, instead of having him at home with her. It had been so hard, not even being able to hold him, watching his tiny chest flutter. Those first few weeks were terrifying, every minute was touch and go. The worst was not being able to be at the hospital with him constantly; she and Aaron had to take it in turns, and couldn’t even be there together most of the time, although JJ did have the other kids a few times, so that they could spend time with Alex together. He had remained small, as many babies born prematurely did but he’d fought through it, he had overcome it. Emily, though, had never gotten over it. Sometimes, she still looked at her boy and remembered those nights, remembering the constant feeling that she might lose him. Sometimes that fear still gripped her in the middle of the night, even five years later, and she had to climb out of bed just to stand in his doorway and watch him breathe. She did it with the others, too. Once the anxiety developed over Alex, it extended to the rest of her children. Occasionally, Aaron would reach for her in the early hours, only to find her side of the bed empty, and would find her leaning against the doorway of one of their children's rooms, shivering. Only he could coax her back to bed, tucking her in close to him and stroking her hair until she finally fell back to sleep.
She watched as Alex limply lifted one arm, then the other, as Jack encouraged him, teaching him a weak and wonky backstroke. Her little boy didn’t have the coordination to hold himself up, or drag himself through the water. Even though he’d been in swimming lessons since he was a baby, he hadn’t taken to the water quite like his sisters had; he could just about treat water, enough so that Emily was comfortable that should he have a freak water accident and fall into a ravine (regardless of the lack of ravines around their house) he wouldn’t drown. A small, reflective smile graced Emily's face as she began swaying; without even noticing it she fell back into the mothering habits of years gone by, curated and perfected by and for the three little humans she watched around the pool. Softly, she lifted her hand to stroke it slowly down Hank's perfect, soft little cheek, her eyes flitting from Alex, to the small boy in her arms, and in his place, she saw Alex as he was, five years ago. Tiny, so tiny that, even after two newborn daughters, she was terrified that he might shatter in her arms if she wasn't gentle enough. She remembered the way his little bow lips used to pucker and shake in a little pout when he was about to cry, how she would softly shush him and run the pad of her index finger over that pouting lip, lifting him close to her face and pressing little kisses all over his face, how only her presence, her smell, could calm him.
“Emily?” Aaron’s voice pulled her out of her reverie; he ran his hands down her arms, recapturing her attention and when Emily turned, she found all eyes on her, and knew she had truly zoned out.
"That's my man," Derek, who had rejoined them from the pool and was perched on the arm of Savannah's chair, said with a grin, "Stealing the pretty lady's attention. Takes after his daddy." He leaned down to kiss Sav, and even though he was teasing, Emily could see the pride in his eyes, could that where he previously would have looked at her, now he looked only at Hank, slowly falling asleep in her arms as she traced his face gently and methodically with her finger.
"We were just talking about it being Alex's first day of school tomorrow," Rossi said, from where he sat beside Crystal, their hands clasped on the tabletop.
Emily inhaled, deeply, her eyes finding Aaron's, more than a little apprehension in them, but she put on a smile for the rest of them as she wandered back to her seat, sitting and shifting Hank so that he sat up, snuggled comfortably in one arm, and she could reach for her wine with the other.
"Yeah," She said, after a long sip, "I can't believe it." She looked, again, over at the pool, and found Alex standing near the deck chairs, being towelled down by Livvy. As she watched, Livvy pulled the towel up onto Alex's head and rubbed at his hair, and they both laughed. Emily smiled to herself, at her daughter's care towards her little brother, at their sweet bond, at the way Livvy mimicked her own actions. "He's still so little."
"Speaking of, we should get them home," Aaron said, his hand on her shoulder, "They all need to wash off that chlorine before school tomorrow."
___
"Tilt back." Emily told Alex, as she rinsed shampoo from his hair.
He tilted and turned his little army boat, making speedboat noises.
"That's an army boat, babe." She told him, and he nodded, thoughtfully, but continued with the speedboat noises. Emily, sleeves pushed up so she didn't get them wet, smiled and finished washing the bubbles out of his hair. She stood up, fixing the shower head back into it's place and turning it off, then sat herself down on the closed toilet lid, drying her hands on the hand towel over the rail.
"Mom," Livvy appeared at the open bathroom door, "I can't find my shirt."
She was pouting, her eyebrows furrowed into a frown. This was always the case with Livvy; the smallest of inconveniences could blow her world apart. Emily gave her a serene, calm look.
"I washed them all last week, sweetheart. They're in a pile in my wardrobe and there's one hung up in the laundry room that I ironed this morning while you were sleeping."
The frown disappeared from her daughter’s face. "Oh, okay," She said, leaning her shoulder against the doorframe and sliding down the wall, to sit on the floor. "Are you excited for school tomorrow, Xander?"
The nickname was one that only Jack, Livvy and Ava used. It was born when Alex first came home from the hospital; she and Aaron called him Alexander for the first few weeks and Livvy, two and a half years old at the time, had latched onto the second half of the name, and it had stuck. Emily didn't like it, much preferring Alex for her little boy, but it was sweet that the kids had their own thing.
"Scared," was the one word reply that Livvy got.
Emily frowned at her hands, twisting her wedding and engagement fingers around, but not yet intruding on their conversation.
"Why? School's fun." Livvy lay down on the bathroom floor, with her legs up the wall. She reached up, touching her toes, and Emily marvelled at her daughter's acrobatic skills.
"What if people are mean like they were to you?"
Emily's eyes flit up from her rings, to her daughter, and she saw Livvy frown up at her feet. She was quiet for a moment, then she let her hands fall from her feet, to smack onto the floor, and she heaved a sigh that was far too heavy for a seven - sorry, almost eight- years old. Livvy was very picky about that.
It was one of the greatest failings of Emily's life, that, for all of her profiling skills, she hadn't been able to tell that her daughter was having a hard time at school until months after it had started happening. One day, Liv had come home, slammed the front door behind her, thrown her backpack across the lounge and raced up the stairs to her bedroom, slamming her second door in as many seconds. Aaron and Emily exchanged a bewildered glance, before they both turned to Ava for answers. Their oldest daughter shook her head, looking sadly up at them, like she, too, had failed.
"She told me not to tell you." Ava told them, earnestly, before spilling her guys and telling them something that made their hearts sink; Livvy was being bullied.
Now, laying on the bathroom floor, Livvy started up at the ceiling and she was nonchalant about it, but Livvy was refusing to meet her mother's eye. Emily knew, though, that it hurt Livvy that Alex knew what she had gone through.
"Just don't be weird. Then they won't be mean." Livvy said, as though she had figured out the secret to the universe. It made Emily's chest ache.
"Okay." Alex found nothing amiss in her statement.
"You're not weird, Liv." Emily told her, softly, but her daughter ignored her, unwilling to haul that up again, and Emily knew it wasn’t the time. Emily sighed, then slapped her knees.
“Okay, little man, out you get.” She said, standing up and grabbing Alex’s towel from the heated rack, holding it out to him. Alex stood up, dripping with bubbles, and held his arms out, wrapping his arms and legs around his mother, with just the towel as a barrier to stop Emily from getting soaked. Emily smiled, hugging her boy to her, and Liv tucked her legs down to her chest as Emily stepped over her, carrying Alex from her ensuite into the master bedroom.
Aaron, sitting on the bed, set down the file he was reading. “All clean?”
“As a shiny new button,” Emily said, as she bent forwards to lay Alex down on the bed, kissing his nose as she did so, like he was still the pudgy little toddler onto whose tummy she used to blow raspberries just to make him giggle uncontrollably. Alex, though, was no longer that little toddler, and he immediately struggled to sit up, squirming with irritation as she tried to dry him.
“Momma-” He protested, as she ruffled his hair with the towel, just as Livvy had done at the pool.
“Alright, alright,” Emily said, finishing up, “I’m done.” She held up his pyjama t-shirt, but Alex’s little face scrunched up into a frown as he slid his glasses onto his face.
“That don’t fit me no more, momma.” He said, shaking his head.
“That doesn’t fit you anymore, bud,” Aaron corrected him, gently, then turned soft eyes onto his wife, who was looking down at the race car onesie with confusion and sadness, “He’s right, babe. You tried it one him a few weeks ago, remember? We bought him a few new pairs last week.”
“Right,” Emily shook her head, “Guess I forgot. I’ll go get them. Sorry, baby.”
She left Alex tugging on his underpants, gabbling to Aaron all about his new pool-jumping skill, and how Jack was going to teach him how to dive next.
Emily walked across the landing, into Alex’s bedroom, and crossed the plush grey carpet and the blue, plane shaped area rug, to the chest of drawers beneath his window. She slid open the second drawer, where she had methodically folded all of Alex’s pyjamas. There, on the top, were the two new pairs she had bought, just a week ago. Alex was graduating from dinosaurs and all manner of vehicles; now he wanted Marvel and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle pyjamas. The pair she pulled out were Spiderman; shorts covered in spiderwebs and a black t-shirt with the hero himself doing one of his signature poses. Alex would love them. Beneath them were his older pairs; some were too small, some still just about fit him, though in a few months those, too, would be ready to be donated. She pulled out a pair she loved; fluffy blue bottoms with a white t-shirt, the words ‘Mommy’s Little Sleepyhead’ in blue cloud writing emblazoned across the front. She put back the Spiderman pjs.
“Sorry, baby, I couldn’t find your new jammies.” She said, as she walked back into her’s and Aaron’s bedroom and found Alex fast asleep on his father’s chest, Aaron dozing with his hand on his son’s back. Liv had wandered in from the bathroom and was tucked in on Aaron’s other side, beneath his arm. Emily halted in her steps and brought Alex’s pjs to her chest, clutching them close to her heart as she looked at them. Her worst stirred her husband, who blinked at her.
“I was gone for two minutes,” Emily whispered, smiling, sitting herself at the edge of the bed. Aaron smiled, sleepily, up at her.
“Long, warm day. Tuckered them out.” He explained, extracting his arm from around Liv. Emily stood up, setting aside Alex’s pjs and leaning over Aaron, to draw her son up into her arms, while Aaron did the same for Liv, who was awake enough to wrap her arms around her father’s neck and rest her little head on his broad shoulder.
“Uh-huh, tuckered them out,” Emily teased, as she followed him out onto the landing.
Aaron went right, to Liv’s room, and Emily retraced her steps from moments ago, stepping across the hall into Alex’s room. She sat down at the end of his bed, and rested him against her chest, as she reached up to pull back his white duvet cover. She cupped a hand behind his head, the other arm tucked under his legs, as she lay him down on his bed. Alex immediately rolled over to face the wall, pulling his knees up and tucking himself into the foetal position. His thumb immediately went to his mouth, and Emily for once didn’t pull it away, as she usually would have, concerned about the growth of his palette; tonight, her baby could suck his thumb. She tucked his duvet tightly around him, then went to his closet, taking down from the top shelf the green and white blanket that Penelope had crocheted for him when Emily was pregnant. She sat back down, the mattress sinking beneath her, and lay the blanket over him. Emily let her hand brush over his still damp hair, and knew she would have a time taming it before school tomorrow.
Leaning down, Emily pressed a long kiss to his forehead, until he stirred slightly, moving his head towards her. She pulled away, standing up. If she disturbed him now, it would be a nightmare to get him back to sleep, and he had never needed to sleep more than he did tonight. Tomorrow was the biggest day of his little life so far.
She turned, at his door, to look once more at him, as she clicked off his bedroom light.
Tomorrow was a beginning and an end, and Emily felt like she was the only one who knew it. It had happened with her girls, and now it was happening with Alex. She had all the same anxieties she’d had back then; to his teacher, he was just another face in the classroom of thirty other children. To his teacher, he wasn’t her baby, not long turned just five years old. She would look at him and see a smart little boy in his uniform, tall and steady. Emily, though, would see the newborn she once held in her arms, and wonder if he was ready. Would they help him to eat his lunch? Would they soothe his fears, when he missed home? If he fell and scraped his knee, if he needed her there to hold him, where would she be? Would he hold it against her when she wasn’t there to kiss him and make it better? And then there was everything that had happened to Livvy. The thought of it happening again, of her not seeing it, again, made Emily’s heart clench in her chest, with fear and guilt.
“Hey,” She didn’t even know Aaron was beside her until he spoke. He cupped her cheek, turning her face towards him and Emily didn’t realise she was crying until his thumb swiped gently across her cheek.. “Are you okay?”
Emily just shook her head, and let Aaron pull her into him, hiding her face in his chest and folding her arms up behind him to hold his shoulders. She listened to Aaron’s heart against her ear, slow and steady, and let it calm her, until she could speak.
“I know he’s ready,” She said, into his chest.
“But you’re not.” Aaron finished her thought, and Emily shook her head against him.
“I’m not ready for him to be fine without me,” She was embarrassed by the admission, but Aaron just stroked her hair, comfortingly.
“I know,” He said, quietly, “I felt the same when Jack first went to school. With the girls it was easier; like I said at Dave’s, they always needed you more than they needed me, anyway.”
Emily looked up at him, frowning. “You know that’s not true, right-” She started, but Aaron shook his head, smiling down at her, waving away her words.
“I know, I know. I’m exaggerating.” He reassured her. “I know they need me. You don’t have to feel bad for your relationship with our kids, Em. I’m just teasing you.”
She wasn’t entirely convinced, but she was willing to let it go, for now. “Ava?” She asked.
“Fast asleep. Livvy, too.” He said, softly.
Emily lay her head back against him, tightening her grip on him, and her eyes found their baby asleep in his bed, again. “He’s just so little. Part of me wants him to stay like that, forever. Little and here and safe.”
And there it was, the long and short of it. Aaron ran his fingers up and down her spine, his chin resting on her head as they watched Alex sleeping, breathing, dreaming. Looking at his son in his bed, if he blinked, Aaron could see Jack, Ava, Olivia. Each of them had been here before, on the precipice of stepping out into the world, of becoming their own person, independent from their parents. They’d been here before, but this time was different. This was a first for Alex, and a last for him and Emily. Their last first day of Kindergarten.
___
“You look so smart, baby,” Emily told Alex, crouching down in front of him to straighten his collar and fasten his top button, “You look like daddy.”
Alex beamed up at his father, at his mother’s compliment, and held up his hand to Aaron for a high-five. “Yeah, daddy!”
“Momma’s right, bud,” Aaron said, holding onto his son’s hand for a moment longer, “Do you want to come to work today, instead of Kindy?”
Alex shook his head, firmly. “No.” He said, “I’m going to Kindy and you’re going to work and I’ll see you later.”
His parents laughed, at that, at the inflexibility in his words. If they were anxious about Alex’s first day at school, it was good for them to know that the boy in question was full of confidence. Aaron passed Emily his little red backpack, and Alex turned away from her, as she slid it onto his shoulders. She took the moment he wasn’t looking at her to rapidly blink back the tears that had sprung to her eyes. When he turned back to her, his head was tilted back a little, his glasses having slid down his nose. Emily smiled, and fixed them.
“Your glasses case is in your backpack,” She told him, kindly, “Don’t forget to clean them when you get fingerprints on the lenses, okay? Gotta let people see those beautiful brown eyes.”
“Funny thing to say when he has your eyes.” Aaron teased, and Emily case him a playful glare over her shoulder.
Straightening up, she adjusted the handbag on her shoulder. Across the road, there were children piling through the school gates. Ava and Livvy had said their goodbyes and raced across, to find their friends before class and, Emily suspected, to give their parents a moment with just Alex. Also, they probably remembered Emily’s tears on their first days of school, and couldn’t take the embarrassment this time around.
Alex stepped between his parents, and gazed up at the huge, redbrick building in front of him. He had been here so many times, to drop off and pick up his sisters, but now, finally, it was his turn. He was practically buzzing with nerves and excitement, and he reached for his parents' hands. Over his head, Emily and Aaron looked at each other, as he clung to them. Aaron furrowed his brow in a question and, though she hesitated, Emily nodded, and they made their way across the street.
“Remember, bud, we’ll be back at 3pm, okay? Ava and Livvy will come to your classroom to collect you and then you wait in the playground for mom and dad, okay?”
“Okay,” Alex said, absently, and Emily wasn’t convinced he was listening, as he gazed in wonder around the playground. She halted in her step, making her son and husband stop too, and crouched in front of Alex.
“Baby, this is important, okay? Don’t go anywhere at the end of the day without your sisters.” She told him, earnestly, and licked her thumb, to rub away the smudge of toothpaste Alex had left on his cheek, “Promise me?”
“Okay, mom,” He squirmed away from her wet thumb, “I heard dad!”
“Alright,” She said, softly, gently holding his hands, “I’m sorry. Mommy’s just…” Emily’s words failed her, as Alex met her eyes, and she saw concern there in the way his eyebrows downturned. She forced a smile onto her face, pressing her palm to her son’s cheek. “Mommy’s just so proud of you. You know that?”
Alex nodded against her hand, and Emily’s lips pulled back, showing her perfect teeth in a wide smile. She leaned in, puckering her lips for a kiss. Alex kissed her as the school bell began to ring.
“Oh, no,” Alex shoved away from her, “We’re going to be late!”
He grabbed Emily's hand, leading her onto the playground, Aaron following close behind, but then, when he realised he didn’t know which way to go, he let Emily take charge to head for the Kindy classroom door.
His teacher, the same one who had taught Livvy, recognised them and waved from the door, where she was greeting the other children. Aaron waved back as Emily crouched down in front of Alex once again.
“Okay.” She said, and had to pause, when she felt the tears close up her throat. She coughed, clearing it, and cricked her neck. “Okay,” Emily forced a smile once again, for her son’s benefit, “You’re going to go and have the best first day now, baby, right?”
Alex nodded, then he flung himself forwards and into her arms.
“Love you the best, momma.” He whispered into her hair, and Emily folded her arms around him. Again, she was struck by how small he still was in her arms, and she was sure her girls hadn’t been this small on their first day of school. It seemed like just a blink ago that she had held Alex for the very first time, just six pounds, sixteen inches long, red and squirming and one of the three most beautiful things she had ever seen.
“Momma, you’ll make me late,” Alex said, pushing at her shoulders, and Emily, reluctantly, relinquished her hold on him, shaking her head.
“Sorry, baby,” She whispered, forcing a smile onto her face. She stood up, as Alex turned to hug his father. Emily blinked at the sky, her tears ever closer.
“See you later, bud,” Aaron said, kissing Alex and ruffling his hair. Emily scowled at him, crouching to fix the mess Aaron had made, and to steal one last kiss before Alex turned and ran towards his teacher. Aaron’s arm went around her waist as they watched him go, and it took all of Emily’s strength not to crumple right there and then. They watched Miss Manon greet him with a smile, and as Alex held out his hand for her to shake, like Aaron had taught him to, Emily couldn’t stop the little whimper that escaped her lips.
“He’s going to be okay,” Aaron said, into her hair, as he pressed a kiss to her temple. Emily nodded, knowing that he was right.
Still, as Alex turned at the classroom door to wave at them, as they lifted their hands to wave back, Emily knew, watching him disappear into that room, that he would never wholly be hers again, as he was before today.
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WQBY
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