#Anyway am I tired of these cis men singling me out

[garpond]

this is a weird and annoying one sorry but. realizing my gender can be transed or whatever but the feminine drive to nurture at the expense of ones self is forever apparently. and i dont mean that in a weird bioessentialist way of 'oh the female sex is programmed to be Motherly it is their biological role' etc etc moreso in the sense of like. socially. and the socialization i got growing up, the roles youre expected to play and the 'rewards' they give you and what that does to your brain. and something as pure and innate as love becomes pathologically self-destructive to you when you're raised that way and treated that way. so now im here and im a man but i cannot relate to the men around me who have never had to put others first in a way that matters a single day in their life, whereas i'm the exact opposite. its alienating. and youd think id be tired of it but i'm not. my brain's wired that way now, i talk up my lack of cognitive/emotional empathy and awkwardness as if it frees me from this fate but it doesn't, it just makes me hopelessly addicted to something i'm terrible at. i cant live if i cant help people. i'll do anything to help people. if i don't think i'm helping people as much as i can be what's the point of anything about me? and if i do think i'm helping somebody then i can't get enough of that, i'll go to any length, any extreme to keep being helpful, keep being useful, keep being told i'm kind and understanding and loving and compassionate. is it selfless or selfish? the line is so blurry. it's selfish selflessness. it's desperately filling and filling and filling this huge misogyny shaped gaping hole of need. cis men love to think of us as hopelessly attached and clingy because it helps them forget that they wanted us that way whenever the switch flips and they decide that we're too much. and fuck me because i keep saying 'us' as if i'm still a woman. i know i don't consider myself a real man deep down. that's not news. i have a long way to go before i can do that and before being male is something i can be proud of, anyway. the problem is twofold. and anyway this is just a long messy fucking block of text i am really sorry. i guess im emboldened by the blank slate and the fact that i have like a miniscule amount of followers right now. but yeah have me freaking out because i don't have a man to help and fix and and spoil and devote myself to while simultaneously being disgusted with myself that it's something i actually want/need. not to mention just the general pattern of I Will Help You Or Explode. Badly. i have Always had going on and continues to kick my ass (guy who realized like half of his so called friends only hit him up to rant and do not care about him or anything going on in his life at all)(feels comfortable saying that bc there's no way in fuck any of them read this far)

#personal #vent #ask to tag

[pixeljade]

re: a reblog u made saying "If you are not fighting against republicans with every fiber of your being at this point you are not a trans ally. If you tolerate the republicans in your family without challenging their ideas about trans people you are not a trans ally. Fight for us goddamnit or we will be culled and our blood will be on your fucking hands."

I wanted to point out that I feel like this was a very harmful thing to say. As a black girl, fighting against republicans is very scary for me. Republicans (a lot of them are white men) are very racist and sexist, so me and a lot of others "fighting" them could put me in danger. Of course, this is true for a lot more than just black girls/women. Also, I feel like asking someone to challenge republican family members could get then kicked out as well, even if they're not trans. Just being openly allied to them could put you against your family members and threaten your safety.

I think that telling people who are scared or tired of fighting that they're transphobic and blaming them for the rampant transphobia won't make them act out, it'll just make them feel worse about themselves. We're not all activists, some of us are just people... people who are terrified. Anyways, thanks for reading!

Hey so

First of all you're misreading my whole damn thing here. Everyone seems to be actually so let me clarify

What I said does not translate to "You specifically, no matter your situation, HAVE TO challenge the people in your life". It translates to "You do not get to claim the Trans Ally title if you do not put in the damn effort to defend trans people".

Like. You're black right? To make a comparison (obv not a perfect one because different forms of oppression work differently, but bear with me here) this ask is like if I, a white person, went up to you saying "Hey so I never go out of my way to defend black people in my life or challenge racism, but I'm still considered anti-racist, because I said so!" Wouldnt that piss you off a little bit? For the record, I have fought for my black friends, and have been to Black Lives Matter protests and lifted up their voices and so on, but even then I dont believe I have the right to claim the title myself. Because, as a white person, I dont get to decide what "anti-racist" looks like. Y'all do, because you're the ones who are suffering from racism.

Same basic idea applies here. If you are cis, as I think is implied by this ask, you do not have the right to decide what qualifies you as a trans ally. Our lives are on the fucking line in this specific issue, and therefore it is our voices that count towards what allyship looks like.

Additionally, you seem to think this is a binary thing, where if you aren't a trans ally then you are transphobic, which is another thing that I did not say. No, you can be neither a trans ally or transphobic. You could be a neutral party. Now if that idea bothers you, because trans peoples lives are on the line and you decided not to help them out of fear of the risk that comes with it, thats your own thing to deal with. I do think its cowardly, to accept that trans lives are being threatened and to stay silent in fear, but honestly. We're all cowardly sometimes. Thats the nature of being human in such an era of fear. But ask yourself, are you okay with that cowardice? Are you okay watching people die knowing you could have risked yourself to save them? This is what I am trying to challenge people to question here. Because the fact is, that is exactly what will happen if people remain silent en masse. You can say "oh my condition is different, I have a REASON not to stand up and fight", but really, doesnt every single person alive have a reason not to? The risk alone is a reason! If we all just said "never risk yourself" then that would mean the fascist bullies that comprise the bulk of the Republican Party win, and therefore, that means that the rule of law is whatever they decide it is. Do you want to watch that happen and do nothing?

So there you have it. You're allowed to do nothing, you really are. And hell, I'm not even gonna go and make a moral judgment of you for it: I do think that morality is subjective and therefore if you decide its morally okay with you to stay silent then good for you. However I will not give you a cookie for doing bare minimum shit. I will not tolerate casual acceptance of those who are literally legislating away my existence. You do not get to call yourself a "trans ally" for doing nothing risky, you get to call yourself a "coward" instead. But hey, you're the one who has to live with that label. Me? I get to die with mine.

[waffle-bubbles]

So I went to a Rocky Horror screening tonight with a shadow cast. I have a theater assignment where I’m supposed to watch one live performance, but my town doesn’t have a single theater company and this was the only thing close to that I could access with a lack of a driver’s license. I expect to fail.

Anyway. Here are my notes on the show and on the brief voyage back to my dorm:

- For the viewing experience, I did not enjoy it. It was crowded and noisy. Not sensory friendly. I got a headache from the clashing smells of alcohol and food which weirdly smelled like crayons. I liked the lighting. It was similar’s to my dorms, which I keep low.

- My social anxiety was really high, which makes it less enjoyable. Especially since it was interactive. I’d prefer watching it in the safety of my room with a few close friends.

- Where I was positioned, I couldn’t see well. People crowded the screen; some were standing in front of me while I was sitting. Everyone was at the same level as the screen.

- Virgin cherry pop (setting up promiscuous themes)

- Time warp dancing

- Couldn’t hear a thing. At one point they turned on the captions (to which there was a cheer), but I couldn’t read among the heads blocking the view. I wore my earbuds the whole time to block some of the noise out. I brought up the script to read along.

- Would have been more fun if I had friends. But you know. I’m a loser.

- Time warp was fun. So was Sweet Transvestite. (At least I can hear the songs. That’s the most important part.)

- The performers have an air of drag to them. Obviously.

- Crush on Brad and Tim Curry. What’s new.

- Sitting between middle aged women, teenage girls, and an obnoxious straight couple.

- Costumes exact replicas of movie’s costumes. (Couldn’t see actors well at all; just hints of their head.)

- Statue of David?? (I can’t escape it) (I like that his nails are painted.) (What is with all the Greek references?? Atlas, Medusa)

- I look too straight to be here.

- If I was a cis man, I’d 100% dress as Dr. Frank n’ Furter. But alas, dysphoria. I think trans people latch onto him because of how confident he is in his body and how it defuse gender.

- This is about sexualizing men and woman, and I love it. (Especially the men.)

- Brad real actor is played by an older gentleman.

- If I hadn’t watched this before, I would be so confused right now (again, can’t hear shit)

- Get that bussy, Janet (and she’s in the bi colors)

- I always feel bad for Rocky. His whole purpose is to be used.

- Pretending not to notice my classmate

- Apparently I was watching the obnoxious dude’s drinks. At least he gendered me correctly. (“He’s not even twenty-one.”)

- “But he’s a lesbian” (I don’t know what the context of this is, but a dude named Chief said it.)

- Craning my neck to see the other screens when I can’t see (there is a bowling alley here)

- I’m so gay (Brad) (he’s so hot)

- The two actors walked in front of my during orgy to foreshadow Frank n’ Gutter’s overthrow

- Frankenstein motif

- Using flashlights as spotlights

- Actors have just been mimicking what’s on screen (from what I could see)

- Frank n’ Futer’s real actor looks so sad (“I’m going home”)

- How can people spend their weekends like this. I’m tired and it’s not even 9:00 yet.

- Bro I can actually hear Riff Raff (still can’t understand him) (crowd thinned the barest amount)

- I forgot how bad the laser effects were (kind of cartoonish)

- a lot of seemingly unrelated scenes of a plot

- I like to think Brad and Janet become a power poly couple

- Classmate said hi anyway. I said hi back.

- I have way too much anxiety for this shit.

- It’s freezing cold and I can’t see the stars

- I enjoy listening to the soundtrack more than that experience

- Oh there are the stars. Very few.

- Bus driver told me I should have a flashlight. Good idea.

- Fuck this stop. I hate it. I am overwhelmed, and I want to be in my warm bed. (Switched drivers)

- This lesbian bus driver has good taste in music (she was listening to Girl in Red. Only lesbians listen to Girl in Red and Lana Del Ray. Obviously.)

- I think I made this gay couple uncomfortable. They stopped cuddling when I looked at them. Like no dude you’re good. I was just admiring your fashion.

- I can see my breath. This should not be happening. I’m not ready for winter.

#in conclusion: love Rocky horror but hate loud crowded events #yeah I know I’m not fun #also Brad’s hot and I will never shut up about it #rocky horror picture show #also I haven’t seen my roommate in four days #should i be concerned #I also took a really good picture of the bus but it has my location so I’m not posting it

[irisbaggins]

They closed the comments 😔

#Iris Whines #I had a PERFECT comback :( #Oh well let them stew in ther misery - no hair off of my back! #And also good way to get my Hyperfocus On Comments shut off #Like I am going to write about this and even if it’s Annoying I have to listen to these people #Can’t do a they say/I say without knowing what ‘they say’ y’know #Iris is ANNOYING and I will remain annoying!! #And if you can’t deal with a lil’ sarcasm and have it pointed out you’re uneducated about a topic and also saying transphobic shit... #Maybe log off an article about us nonbinary folk and take a stroll #’Cos you hit the hornet’s nest and here we are :) #Anyway am I tired of these cis men singling me out? YES #Like there was a wonderful guy who sourced everything and did they comment there? Nope #Just the one lone trans person with nothing to do than annoy cis people by not getting mad #Like y’all really saw me being calm and thought I’d get emotional? Me? I’ve tucked them all in my sternum and baby they will stay!! #You do not deserve my rage :) That is reserved for games and making me ragequit because one challenge in Horizon is BULLSHIT #Anyway am sleeby but also Full Of Opinions #And if any of these fucks decide to pick a fight with me by finding my number I have a nice thing called block :)

[afro-elf]

fine, i’ll elaborate on my thoughts about tylor sift but they will be disorganized

disclaimer: i know a few people will read this and be like “op is a hozier fan can she really talk about the cultural obsession with mediocre white art?” and the answer is yes because a) i’m black and i have an english degree so can do whatever i fucking want, b) hozier is a better artist than taylor objectively, like his mediocre tracks would be considered her great ones, and c) the comparison of taylor to hozier is part of the problem Genuinely because i don’t even think white people like half the music they listen to, they just don’t wanna be left behind, we’ll get into this later. i’m sorry to everyone who is tired of hearing about him but hozier will be returning later in this post jsfglsjlgldsjlfd

second note: read this

i don’t just dislike taylor because she’s white. i don’t dislike taylor because she’s a woman. i don’t dislike her because she writes mean and petty lyrics about past relationships and people who wronged her. i don’t dislike taylor because her public circle of friends is almost exclusively blonde white celebrities with their own laundry lists of issues that includes ryan reynolds and blake lively who are poster children for white privilege and pseudo-excellence if i’ve ever seen them. i dislike taylor because the amalgamation of all of those things is so exemplary of a huge problem i have with the music industry in general but also like american society

fuck it, numbered list!

1. taylor swift consistently releases the same mediocre album but in different colors. every album is the same lyrically and tonally. her body of work rarely goes very far above “good for taylor swift”. folklore as both title and musical aesthetic is irrelevant to the actual content of the album, which is just every taylor swift album except set to folk pop and with a bit more cussing, congrats for baby’s first swear. i’ve seen folklore compared to much better bodies of work and even propped up by stans as album of the year, a distinction that rina sawayama and chloe x halle will be battling it out for if there is any justice in the world at all. the fact that she is allowed to do this and still be considered great when this is something that even white male artists are butchered critically for... astounds me. like we all know how well received all of coldplay’s similar sounding albums are.... Come on. 

2. i don’t think taylor or her work is particularly feminist and yet for some reason every time she frowns an army of white women brings her kleenex. i’m not saying taylor’s anger has always been unjustified, but her feminism to me has always felt like “i can do whatever a man can do” feminism, which is utterly fucking useless to me as a black woman. it’s only useful to her because as a wealthy, white, straight, cis white woman her ONLY obstacle in life is her gender. and if she just didn’t have that tricky little bitch then maybe people would take her seriously. like, just think about her music video for the man... what was the thesis of that? what was the point of that? with all of her privileges she’d just be gaining a single extra privilege. she’s a blonde blue eyed thin white girl, the world kisses her feet. i have no interest in proving myself any better or any worse than white men, they are not the standard for how a person should be treated, they’re cautionary tales, and white women are too. i think taylor capitalizes off of white woman victimhood, and it’s all over her writing style. even when she’s trying to be empowered, like in mad woman for example, there is this tone to it of victimization, poking the bear, unleashing the beast if you will. she invokes the imagery of salem witches and even more boldly chooses a noose to write about in the song which is..... surely going to be a white tumblr staple for many gifsets to come but holy shit is it hollow. she also tends to come back to teenage memories in her music and she’s thirty. i don’t think about being seventeen unless i’m being held at gunpoint but she seems to think about it All The Time. and part of this is to keep herself young, at least in her music, which only further ingrains this image of fragile teeny bopper taylor into the mind of the listener, fueling her victim image. this imagery and language means nothing because the world always rallies around taylor. even when she was the butt of jokes for not being beyonce (which she is not and never can be) and writing about her exes (which she does), she was largely supported by the industry and by critics. look at how many fucking awards she has!

3. folk and indie and alternative music is in a moment of transition, where musicians of color are getting the chance to really speak about how they’ve been treated in these overwhelmingly white circles and create their own standards and their own voices. and for taylor swift to swoop in with aaron dessner and jack antonoff fantano and almost reassert that mid-2010s indie sound as The Sound of folk pop in the popular consciousness.... it makes me violent! it! makes! me! violent! 

4. back to hozier! finally, i wanna talk about white standom, fandom, bandom, and womandom. i often see these very superficial comparisons between hozier and taylor (and hozier and florence and hozier and stevie nicks and hozier and whatever other white woman in fashion) and they frustrate me for more than one reason. i know that hozier has met taylor and said she’s cool, which is nice of him and he’s a nice man, but i’m not a nice man so i’m going to just say it: none of the people who have made those posts have listened to more than four hozier songs and it shows. the reason why this matters is because these posts catch on and create an image and preconception of hozier’s music that is divorced from reality and divorced from his influences and most importantly divorced from the deliberate and reverent blackness of his musical style. hozier has his white male privilege in the industry for sure but he’s not as towering of a giant as taylor and taylor’s music is an unsalted chicken, plain oatmeal, white paint drying on a white wall, a stick of unflavored gum. her music is so white it told me that its dad is a cop. i am, as a black hozier fan, exhausted with having to share space with white women who don’t know why hozier’s music kicks me in my lungs sometimes and think that taylor mentioning a tree ONCE in her 3 minute acoustic guitar slog about whatever suburb is the same when it simply is not. i swear some of you are pretending to love taylor because your friends love her and you don’t wanna be left out of the hot new musical discourse but she’s only the hot new musical discourse CONSTANTLY because she’s a white woman, she’s almost the Perfect white woman. like if someone asked me to describe a white woman, it would be taylor swift. her position at the top of the musical pyramid among people who eclipse her musically, vocally, and lyrically is only allowed because she’s The Perfect White Woman. she’s an ideal. white girls relate to her immediately because of it and now we have this unshakable mob of unbearable white women who think that the world has wronged someone who literally wrote fanfiction about the rich oil heiress white woman who owned her rhode island mansion before her aklghlghdhlgs it drives me fucking NUTS 

anyway that’s all. if you made it this far, listen to adia victoria, kaia kater, samantha crain, valerie june, kelsey lu, corinne bailey rae, brittany howard, kimya dawson, japanese breakfast, cold specks, left at london, rhiannon giddens, aisha badru, shea diamond, nadine shah, xenia rubinos, karen o, mirel wagner.... Anyone

#me #taylor swift meanie hour #long post

[thegothicalice]

I’m Tired 🙃🙃🙃 and ready to have a wee rant!

Questions like this immediately put me on guard like someone’s trying to wait and catch me out or something? Very “I’m waiting for the phase to end” thinking... and on the more severe end of that are the creepy fuckers that send explicit messages anonymously about “fixing” my asexuality (and the steps between more innocuous questions and threats are too short for my liking, and there is a reason I am very prickly).

And... as a consequence I’m deeply uncomfortable being sexualized/being perceived as “sexy” (specifically by cis straight guys) because it creeps me the hell out. Like something to be conquered or owned and not considered an independent figure. And so the years of intense discomfort have resulted in not dressing to please anyone but myself, not being very amenable to letting anyone help me with anything, being unabashed and almost intentionally overbearing about my interests, and putting myself more towards queer spaces and asserting in conversation frequently that I am “not straight” to keep the men that make me the most uncomfortable at a distance of at all possible. I hate the implications of those that do press anyway that it’s a waste for me to have the genetic good fortune I do and not have the inclination to... share, in a physical sense, and it’s a little irritation that creeps in every single day— from the mild, mostly harmless comments to the all-out leery ones, and you know what, there’s a reason I have something of a reputation or whatever for being more than a little curt with people.

SO anyway, overthinking and years of Bad Experience have led to rant time.

#personal #asexual problems #asexuality

[arcturus-ish]

I think it's pretty obvious who I'm talking about specifically, but if you're still confused: yes, this is partially about the ProtectAnaFlores blog, but also at anyone who's going after people for not liking Ana Flores (particularly people with CP who have a valid reason not to). I didn't like Ana Flores. While I am disabled, I don't have CP and so I wanted to listen to the input of people who do and since they all spoke about her being ableist I was able to recognize her ableism myself and decide that she wasn't a character I should support. If you don't have CP, you don't really have the authority to say whether someone who was ableist towards a character with CP was actually ableist to them because of it or not- even if you are disabled, because it's different. I will never know what it's like to have CP or how people would treat me because of it- I am physically-abled passing anyway, so I don't experience that kind of ableism much; I will never know what it's like, so I trust people who do when they talk about it because THEY are the only ones who WOULD. "If you don't like Ana Flores you're a misogynist." If you're a cis gay guy- you're not really qualified to lead conversations about misogyny, considering you have never-and will never- experience it; you actually thrive off of it, like any other cis man. Should you be an ally and call it out? Definitely. Do you know more than afab people, who experience it every single day? absolutely not. Not liking Ana does not make me misogynistic, just like liking/defending her does not wholly absolve you of not being misogynistic. If you group afab people who don't identify as women (i.e, nonbinary people) with women in your mind, purely because they're afab and not because it's what they identify as, then you kind of suck. Cis gays have been known to be almost as (if not just as) transphobic as cis straight people and I'm tired of seeing it. While I agree that there are a lot of women in fandom spaces that fetishize mlm relationships (I've been fetishized a LOT for being a trans and queer person- I know how disgusting it is), labelling every single Buddie shipper as "a white woman or afab enby who fetishizes gay men" is... wrong. I'm afab, transmasc and agender, but I label myself loosely as mlm and so being grouped in with women purely because of what I was assigned at birth, and not because of my actual gender identity, when it comes to appreciating mlm relationships feels borderline transphobic. Non-binary people can be gay for men too, and even if they're not, maybe they see themselves in Buck/Eddie and so their relationship means something to them? The other (canon) couples, whether they be straight or queer, mean a lot to me as well- literally every person I follow or have interacted with about 911 loves the other queer/BIPOC representation just as much and more often than not is queer and/or BIPOC themselves. (this is NOT dismissing the fact that A LOT of the 911/Buddie part of the fandom is racist, ableist, misogynistic and has people who fetishize queerness as a whole. I acknowledge that and hate those people just as much as most of us do-same for the cishet people who make spaces like this unsafe for us queer people- but I'm not addressing that right now.) Call people out on their bullshit if it's spreading harm and/or misinformation, absolutely, but don't harass and bully a bunch of people (some of which are literal MINORS) for finding comfort in Buddie when there's no reason to other than they like these two together. You've called me "pathetic and 100% the worst" for doing absolutely nothing before, simply because you caught onto the fact that I enjoy Buddie. Aren't you doing the same exact thing you hate Buddie shippers for? Seems fairly hypocritical, but I guess you're the only person who gets to call people out on that... because you're a gay guy.

#anti ana flores #I don't mean to be rude or seem angry #but if you are harming people and then getting mad at them for supposedly doing the same thing #you're not any better #I just wanted to get my thoughts about it out because people like that are exhausting #911 discourse #ableism #PLEASE feel free to talk to me if I have ever said anything offensive #I do not want to be held unaccountable for any mistakes I have made or hurt I have inflicted on others #also stop throwing the word abuse around so loosely

[nothorses]

I see everyone coming to you with some stuff about sexuality lately so maybe you can help... So I have seen stuff that says "if you are uncomfortable with dating women or the idea then you probably don't like women" which is all fine and well and makes sense, but my personal problem is I dated a girl a few years ago now before I realized I was trans, and I did genuinely like her (a lot) and during that relationship I was working through lots of stuff w/ mental health and gender but whenever

I would stop to think about the relationship long term I would think about waking up next to her or like cooking breakfast w/ her etc, but if I ever thought about her in a more intimate manner than cuddling/kissing I found myself deeply uncomfortable and I tried just to push it down and tell myself it wasn't something I needed to worry about at that point (she was very catholic so) anyhow is this "comphet"? Except that word doesn't apply to me because it wasn't a het relationship between us...

And I've tried reading articles or taking those "am I gay?" quizzes and whatever else because I feel kind of lost... I find myself worried maybe I do like women but I have internalized "homophobia" or maybe my dysphoria makes me unable to be comfortable? Which if that's true it would be something I wanted to work on, but.. for some reason saying I'm a gay guy just doesn't seem right either, maybe just bcuz I'm early transition it feels like a lie?

But sometimes I worry I don't like men either. I can't think of a single man I've ever been attracted to in anything? And I tried to date this guy at one point but it felt like I was forcing myself to like him... I don't think I'm aromantic because I like those ideas and concepts, and I guess my attraction to men is moreso an abstract concept to me? Like arms, and hips, and flat chests... Idk I just end up in these really confused circles about what the fuck is up (kyle) and anything I look to for help is very cis TM which doesn't fit my personal understanding of the world or the view I've lived it in... 

(f slur for article title use) The closest thing to my own experience I ever read was an article called "Transmasc Comphet (and the road to faggotry)" but transmasc comphet doesn't feel like the right words... I've taken just to calling myself queer and although I know queer can be a full identity it just doesn't feel like one for me because I find myself constantly searching for more "concrete" labels about gender and sexuality. But for some reason nothing ever seems to fit quite right...

I know it's fine to use multiple seemingly contradictory labels but doing that myself feels like an incorrect simplification of my feelings, or I feel like an imposter using certain labels... Which makes me worried I just need to suck it up and get comfortable identifying with the word queer and forget about labels but I feel I probably shouldn't feel the need to restrict myself to a label or it to feel wrong using it if it's the right label.

If a label did actually fit I probably wouldn't have to force myself to think it's real for myself, nor would I constantly be looking elsewhere for the "right" word(s)... So I end up getting overwhelmed and just.. not thinking about it? But that feels like avoiding the issue and I feel guilty for that, and meeting other queer people they're like "oh so you're ___?" and it's like I have no clue, but not cishet..

I read stone butch blues and although I connected to it this part of the story was constant for Jess, always knowing who she liked. I personally can't find the line... I know other people also don't have it figured out, but there's so little information or personal accounts that I end up just feeling more lost.. It's hard because like I know I'm trans but I can't figure out how far I want to transition, or like I can tell my sexuality is queer but I can't tell how far? Am I gay? Bi? Bi-gay? Thank you for reading, I'm just pretty lost and it's been years and it's tiring :/

(Edited how chunks are broken up)

I get a lot of how you’re feeling, and honestly, the best thing for me was to just stop stressing over labels for a while. Focus on your actual feelings, and let those guide your actions; let yourself step forward when it feels like you want to, and step back when it feels like you don’t, and try not to worry about what the reasons for those feelings are in the moment. Just let yourself acknowledge them, respect them, and act on them.

I say this because I agonized over what my feelings Actually Were and what they Actually Meant for years, and it’s that overthinking that lead me into some of the worst decisions I could have made for myself at the time: I was so dissociated from my own feelings that I suppressed them when I shouldn’t have, and faked them when people pressured me to, all without realizing I was doing it.

Gender can also play a huge role in this. Personally, my own perception of my gender- and dissociation from my feelings- meant that I was very much incapable of comfortably occupying a relationship with another man (despite being legitimately attracted to them!) because I couldn’t do it as a man. I felt I would always take on the “woman” role on some level, and it would always be men who saw me, and were attracted to me, as a woman.

It’s taken me a long, long time to finally start acknowledging and respecting my own emotions, and the best thing I did for myself in that time was to just... step away from the label question. Step away from the “what does this feeling come from” and “what does it mean” questions.

Ask yourself what you want, in that moment, and then do that. Those questions will start to answer themselves after a while, as gender feelings settle down, and patterns in your wants & actions begin to emerge. The answers may be wrong even then, but that’s okay! It’s always okay to be wrong. You’ll get there eventually.

That’s what worked for me, anyway, and it’s a choice I made based on my own problems and my own needs. If it resonates, great! If not, that’s alright too; everyone works differently. Just be kind to yourself.

#long post #advice #Anon #Ask

[wwilloww]

personal rant/vent beneath the cut: 

i don’t wanna be that person who’s like “all men are bad” but i feel so disappointed in them today. 

today i spent my workday going through manuscripts for the graduate writing workshops that i’m in. i read five between two classes, a total of 16k words. three out of the five (2 of which were written by the same person) were incredibly misogynistic and un-nuanced in their presentation of it. the sexism, objectification of women’s bodies, and villanization of women’s agency wasn’t there for commentary or whatever - it was there as part of the author’s worldview. i consider both of these dudes friends, and one of them i think of as one of my closest friends here. 

it’s like fucking wack to look into the things that men create and see the unveiled prejudice and hatred there. like, i’ve been in academia for the past 6 years and i deal with it every single class period, but it cuts a little different when it’s a close friend that now feels unsafe. 

i used to be surrounded by pretty shit male friends when i was younger and after i realized that and dumped them, it took so long for me to be able to even open my heart enough to make friends with cis men again and since then every time i’ve been DUPED - like... sERIOUSLY. every cis male friend for the past 4 years something like this has happened and i am so very tired. and sad, because each time something like this happens it’s a loss too. 

anyways, i’ve spent the whole day fitting my own upset and criticism for these pieces into forms of feedback for workshop that fit “Academia” and won’t fuck up my career here while still staying true to the unsafeness i felt while reading them. 

and then i went on a walk and the sky was highlighter pink and purple, and good fucking lord it was so beautiful even though it was so fucking cold - and i’m just here to say, let’s replace men with the sky. 

#vent #rant

[obeymematches]

Heya! I hope you’re not too swarmed by requests and that you’re staying healthy 💕 I was hoping for an obey me matchup if that’s okay?

I’m a cis bi girl, ENTP/ENFP, Capricorn sun, Virgo moon, Sagittarius rising (if you’re into astrology these are helpful otherwise just ignore uwu) and a Gryffindor. I have short blonde-ish hair, kind of a golden color ig, with bangs and hazel eyes. I’m a bit tanned and very VERY buff because I do loads of sports, and so I’m also not curvy at all unless you count in *cough* 🍑 My clothing style is kind of a melting pot of cottagecore, dark academia and goth, it makes no sense ik. Also I may have light autism according to my parents, but I’ve never been taken to get diagnosed because my brother has a therapist and two would be too ✨expensive✨

I have two very distinct sides to me that are complete opposites. The only way I can describe it is a goblin qkfbkafjwk. At first glance lot of people think I’m scary looking because I’m quite tall and have a light case of RBS but they dont know it’s just because I’m really tired all the time :) I can appear as a bit stuck up, emotionless and as a big pp energy type of gal, which isnt necessarily false but it’s not completly true either. I would never hurt anyone or anything and if I even see a squashed bug I will absolutely cry. Besides that I am quite emotional but i keep it to myself to my best abilities. Although when I’m happy, I’m really hyper and do little dances/ hug and kiss everything in my proximity. I’m dirty minded, subconsciously flirty and not afraid to talk to people I like. On the other hand, if someone makes an advance on me I’ll assume it’s for a practical joke or that they’re not serious because why would you do that, I’m kind of shit 💫🧚‍♀️

I do tons of sports, mainly swimming and I was close to going to junior Olympics last year (I didnt manage it because I overworked, didnt tell anyone and ended up with an injured shoulder and knee whoopsies). I also pole dance and I love high impact sports like boxing and such even though I don’t have a lot of time to practice those. Some other stuff I can do is horse riding, archery, singing, writing, drawing, stuff like that.

I actually have good grades even though I dont really study. I procrastinate every single thing and end up with better results than the people who worked hard which always makes me feel guilty. I really want to study English literature at Oxford but HAHAHAHA dream on, it will probably never happen, my family isnt exactly the rich kind lol. I’m also Slavic so it isnt even my first language. The only subject I could never do in high school was physics because what the hell is that.

Some other stuff about me is that I’m a foodie and a good cook. I really like taking care of people and comforting them. In my friend group despite being the youngest I’m the eldest sibling friend, aka I enable chaos but never join in, just stirr up a mess and observe from afar 🤠I’m really calm in situations that freak people out, for example I had an infection and was in a lot of pain but i laughed my way through it and while i had my surgery i chatted with the nurse which was overall a good time even though I was half naked and numb from the waist down oop

Relationship wise, not to be horny on main but I just wanna hold hands and make out 🥺🥺 Feelings are terrifying and I may be demi/aromantic which makes me feel really shitty about myself, but maybe I’m wrong. Although to be honest, all I really wanna do is make people happy and pamper them and maybe get some cute jewelry every once in a while because I’m a crow and I like shiny things that I cant afford ✌I’m kind of submissive (not exclusively in a sexual way) in the fact that if my s/o asks me to do something, ANYTHING, I will do it if it kills me.

Anyways, I know this is a lot but I hope it’s okay and I didnt forget anything. Take all the time you need and have a great day 💕💕

———–

Hiiii, thank you for sending in a request, i’m sorry for being like half a year late!! :( :( 

I decided to match you with Diavolo! 

Both of you being extroverted is a good combination as he is a very curious demon, meaning there is always something to talk about. Both of you enjoying others’ company is a huge bonus - no need to worry about boundaries! 

big booty couple

Don’t worry about therapy being expensive, if anyone then a prince can afford that for sure - not just that, he is as wholesome as it can get so you wouldn’t have to metion it. He wants the best for his princess!!! don’t mind the cost!!! (unless him paying for you would make you uncomfy… just be open about it darling)

You mentioned that you have a sibling. In a healthy relationship it is important that your partner and your sibling(s) can get along, which might lead to conflict in some cases - BUT NOT IN THIS ONE i mean Dia might overwhelm your family (being a prince and a demon u know) but he would really try his best for you and that is what matters!  

(i feel appearig tired all the time fghjk) 

Anyways your appearance wouldn’t like scare him off ar anything. Man is huge and strong but also a very sweet himbo

He falls for your soft side ngl. Like you crying over a bug is just so cute how could he not- 

Oh darling he knows how to deal with ppl who keep to themselves.. have you ever heard about his 2 best men? 👀 you wouldn’t have much chance at keeping your emotions from him. He wants this relationship to be healthy!! he cares for you so much!!! also who couldve hurt you emotionally i mean who wants to mess with a future queen… it’s his personal job to make your feelings be safe!!!! 

its all worth it because spending time with a happy you is the best thing that has ever happened to him 

you’re fun and he’s fun and its unlimited fun!!!!! 

your confidence when it comes to talking to ppl you like is great!! not everyone dares talking to him, which makes him lonely

but yea he is going to be the one to make the first move 

you have the range when it coes to sports which is, again, nice as he is curious. you are going to have to help him try out all that!! 

super interested in your hobbies and activities, which is a green flag! definitely indulging. 

i think he is very supportive of your studies and he is going to do his best to support your studies at RAD. you could definitely impress him with your talent!!

 hopefully studying at his academy is as good as your dreams of oxford 

he can only hope that

i think he would appraciate your calm approach to life! he is also the same, although he has some baggage hidden under the surface  - but no worries, he is going to open up when he realizes that he can trust you with his emotions. 

you beig dependable is also a nice bonus, but he will have to make sure not to ask too much from you - knowing you are going to push yourself too much if needed. 

you two would do like healthy couples do - every week there is a date; either a chat over tea which he likes and wants to share with you, or doing sports with you, or going go-karting, honestly the options are unlimited with this combination. 

its imprtant that you both can depend on the other emotionally as well 

one conflict might be because of his title, and also because you both tend to keep emotions to yourself. once you two can overcome these i think it should be a very healthy and mature and fun relationship! i think he would definitely fall for you but if you wanted to stay just friends he would be down too. he just can’t lose the one living person he can actually be himself around, can he ? 

#obey me #obey me swd #om! diavolo #obey me diavolo #obey me matchup #obey me match-up #obey me swd matchup #obey me shall we date #submission

[b0x]

😔 some Thoughts on the Trans Experience under the cut that i wanna vent out bc of some posts ive seen around that just kinda didnt sit right with me i guess

every time someone on here is like “trans men cannot experience eldest/only daughter trauma bc they are men and are therefore experiencing transphobic trauma” it’s like... man, gender is way too complex to be so cut & dry about a topic like this. many trans men grew up experiencing the traumas of being a daughter And being a trans man daughter, both pre-transition and post. saying that isn’t saying “trans men are actually women because they experienced this women’s trauma” it’s just recognising that many traumas overlap, regardless of gender. i know it comes from a supportive place, validating us as real men, but that should include validating our unique experiences too. 

i hope this makes sense, but a trans-man-daughter is still 100% a man, still 100% a son, but is very different to and does not have the same experience as a trans-man-son. and a trans-man-daughter doesn’t mean “a trans man raised as a daughter because they didn’t know they were trans at the time”, or “a trans man raised as a daughter by a homophobic parent even after coming out and already knowing they are trans”. no, a trans-man-daughter can still also be a trans man raised as a son with 100% support, because a parent’s trauma can still pass on regardless of the circumstance, because a trans person’s relationship with themselves and their own gender and body and mind is so unique and one-of-a-kind that we were practically designed to overlap the many gendered concepts that so many gatekeep as a sense of empowerment. 

and it sucks making our own posts/experience sometimes, because they never feel like “our own”? because they all come from traumas and bigotry that have already been boxed and labelled and sorted into sections, and to be someone who has bits and pieces from all those different boxes/sections? a trans person can, for example, experience misogyny one year and then transmisogyny the next and that doesnt make the misogyny the prior year “actually transmisogyny”, it was still misogyny that was experienced, even if it’s later relabeled as “transmisogyny”. if anything that just makes it TWO kinds of misogyny experienced instead of just one. it’s terribly confusing. and trust me, for every cis person confused by a trans concept, i can almost guarantee you it’s just as confusing for the trans person themselves. and this isn’t also me saying that ohh trans people have it worse because we experience Double the bigotry and trauma - no absolutely not. i just think it’s important for people to realise that there are people who will experience both misogyny And transmisogyny and that in itself creates its own new kind of bigotry/trauma experienced, if that makes sense?

of course, i don’t speak for every single trans man, but it’s a very specific kind of transphobia a lot of us experience that ties in directly with eldest/only daughter trauma, and why we relate to and connect with posts like that, even when they’re aimed specifically at those who identify primarily as women.

and on top of all that, i see quite a few of the same trans man “supporters” who say “trans men can’t experience daughter’s traumas because they’re men” do complete 180s and say that trans women can’t experience eldest/only daughter trauma bc their transphobia doesn’t correlate with “womanhood” at the source, because trauma that sons/men/male at birth experience is different to the trauma that daughters/women/female at birth experience, which is.. horrifically and bewilderingly transmisogynistic, transphobic, alienating, and just..  Shocking. shocking that these two points can be somehow made in the same breath together without any of them realising what they’re saying.

it’s like.. this weird group of people who are somehow both the opposite of and exactly the same as terfs? theyre more like... tirfs - trans Inclusionary radical feminists - the people who treat trans men like a substitute for the “effeminate cis gay best friend”, the one’s who will validate your masculinity but not entirely consider you a 100% guy, latching onto that “biological fact” of trans men being “female at birth” and therefore considering you more of a “sister” than a “brother”, regardless of them knowing and understanding that you are a man. i guess its kind of very similar to the transphobes who make awful comments that nonbinary people are just closeted lesbians/gays?

anyway, yes, many traumas are gendered due to binaries designated by society and a misogynistic and men-restricting patriarchy (and many other factors that all play parts in this whole big system such as religion and the upper class), but traumas are traumas, and honestly shouldn’t be gendered, because they all overlap regardless, and can be experienced by anyone if the exact circumstances are met. that and every single trans experience is so unique and so so complex because gender in itself is an extremely unique and complex concept that it just cannot in any way be monitored or labelled into strict rules and laws and binaries.

every time i see a post on here about womanhood and daughter traumas and cis women’s misogynistic experiences and hell even a lot of lesbian traumas/experiences, i find myself completely and entirely relating to many of them every single time even though i am 100% a trans guy, and half grew up as a son. and i guess it’s just kind of weird but not so weird because sure while some days it just feels like im not calling myself a true trans guy, most days its just me validating and relating to an experience that i had that was unique to me and doesnt necessarily mean that im a woman because of it

because womanhood and manhood are temperaments, traits we are either born with or without, traits that are ever-changing and developing as we evolve generation by generation. anyone can pick up or be born with parts of womanhood and/or manhood. like that’s what makes all of us so unique, not a single one of us are alike in any way shape or form because of that. the combinations are always unlimited. so it’s just dumb seeing stuff like that gatekeeped. you cant Own an Experience like thats... what the hell is going on. every time its always the same thing, everyone’s always tryna play god in some way, be it mastering themselves, their own emotions and life, or controlling others, dictating what they think how certain things should be etc

it’s like that one post that’s like everything would be so much simpler if everyone was bi and nothing was gendered ghadjgdkgj

idk.. just.. to gender conceptual things like gender and traits and personalities and traumas is just so... unhelpful and unopen to change and not fluid whatsoever as theyre supposed to be. i dont wanna be all “nothing is real” abt it all but labels and binaries and decided systems and set laws are literally the reason, since the beginning of time, for wars and bigotry and oppression and poverty and the whole shebang. bc Someone decided one day that being a woman means this this and that, and being trans means that and this and that, and those meanings will be the basis we will rewrite occasionally and maybe add to, instead of completely scrapping our whole outdated initial ideas about it bla bla bla. 

im just tired gender is weird and stupid why are we arguing why are we so protective like just have a convo man rule with curiosity not adamancy and you’ll be sooo much happier trust me

#feel free to reblog or chat abt idk

[omgchristinahasablog]

Feminism, Interrupted: Disrupting Power By Lola Olufemi

This is the second book written by Lola Olufemi, the former Women’s Officer for the University of Cambridge. Before even reading the first page I was excited to read this book since Lola is someone who I have looked up to for a while. I have always admired how confident and outspoken she is, qualities which I want to improve in myself. However, don’t worry, this review won’t be me fan-girling over Lola. Instead I’ll focus on what I thought about this book. I think it’s important to clarify my background: I am a medical student with hardly any knowledge of sociology (I took a sociology minor this year on health, medicine and society). I’m currently on a journey to become more knowledgeable about feminism and racism and social politics in general. This book is an excellent starting point. It offers a comprehensive and well-explained account of many major feminist concerns in the current day. What makes it stand out from other books, and the reason why I reached for it first is because that it looks at these concerns in a British context. This is important. So many books look at many social issues in a USA context, and these issues are important and are interesting to read and learn - as Lola points out in her penultimate chapter, solidarity matters:

“When we show solidarity to one another, we are demonstrating that we recognise that politics happens everywhere, at every level, in every region of the world. We break open the idea that feminism has a continental origin point; to recognise each other in struggle is to say, I see you , I understand that you have agency and because I cannot stand alongside you, I wish to bolster you from where I am.”

Whilst solidarity is important, many American issues do not easily translate into a British context especially since Britain has its own difficult and complex history to contend with. This book offers a way to bridge a gap and say to people “See! Britain is not a ‘post-racial’ society as people so often wrongly claim. Britain has its problems with race and these issues intersect with gender, sexuality, sex, migration status and other parts of women’s identities, creating a whole host of pressing and urgent problems in our society.”

Each chapter discusses the theory behind modern feminist issues. This book rejects the ideas of liberal feminism for this feminism does not account for the most vulnerable and disadvantaged in our society such as undocumented migrants, poor women, single mothers, transwomen and women of colour. Lola rejects the ideology of TERFs (Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminists). The necessity for trans- inclusion in feminist movements is apparent in the Black Lives Matter movement at the moment. Black transwomen and men are being killed at the hands of police, yet they are receiving disproportionately less media coverage compared to their cis, heterosexual black male counterparts (e.g. George Floyd).

I particularly like the structure of this book: each chapter can be read on its own. However, I do recommend reading the whole book to gain the full narrative. This book has enabled me to understand radical ideas in a truly accessible way. From prison abolition to the decriminalisation of sex work and from the removal of borders to discussions of consent, Feminism, Interrupted covers feminist issues at the level of the individual, nation state and the world. A stand-out chapter for me is Chapter 7 “Complicating consent: How to support sex workers.” Lola argues that “we must refuse the idea that consent is easy”. It’s easy to fall into the idea that “yes means yes, and no means no” but that is not how consent is in practice. A person may say “yes” when they mean “no” but the safest option for them to say is yes, or they were not fully informed and so said yes to something they were not aware of. Consent is nuanced - we need to move away from the notion that consent is a binary option. consent is not easy. Choices are often not made freely but under coercion from oppressive structures.

To conclude (as I’ve gotten tired of writing), this book is a first stop for you people on your journey towards radical feminism. I know that the combination of Black Lives Matter and the health inequalities amplified by COVID-19 has definitely created a hunger in me for books like this on social justice. I was able to access this book online on iDiscover so for other Cambridge students I would just download it from there. Otherwise, this book is available for purchase from Pluto Books.

I hope you’ve enjoyed my first book review. Let me know what you think or if you have any recommendations for books I should read. Over the summer I’ll be writing more reviews of books I read. I read quite varied books so you can expect reviews of non-fiction and fiction books covering a wide range of topics.

Anyways, peace x

#feminism #feminisminterrupted #books #book review #university of cambridge #lola olufemi #consent #social justice #race #reproductive justice #prison abolition #trans-inclusionary feminism #student #medical student #race equality #blacklivesmatter

[fatui-harbingers]

Soooo episode 4 is just... Weird.

I'm especially tired of hearing about Jon supposedly being a better ruler when he and Daenerys seem to be about the same. Everyone just wants Jon on the throne bc they know they can manipulate him (I love him but he is easy to manipulate sometimes). People don't want Daenerys bc they can't control her and they're mad about it now that they know they can't.

I saw some people saying that Daenerys was manipulating Jon but like I saw none of that coming from her. She was like the only person that wasn't up to no good. Every single one of my family members is manipulative so I know it when I see it! And also bc I do a little manipulation of my own to survive capitalism as a jobless teen so I know what it's like to be manipulated and to manipulate! Daenerys wasn't doing that but trying to prevent more problems for everyone, including Jon.

I was a bit disappointed in Jon but I don't hate him it anything. I just don't think he's quite used to sharing feelings and speaking his mind. I did wish he has said “I love you” back to Daenerys. And obviously, I know things are gonna be a little off till he fully makes peace/comes to terms with his true parentage bc I'm pretty sure he loves her all the same. And I'm happy we got to hear him say that Daenerys is his queen and nothing would change that.

I want to smack some sense into Jon! You don't have a furry friend and then NOT pet them before you leave! And you sure as heck don't just give them away! Leaving pets for even a few hours is terrible for me so that scene just made no sense to me whatsoever.

Let me just say I am as tired of watching dragons die and I am of all the misogyny in this shows writing. As an animal lover, it wasn't hard at all to fall in love with the dragons bc they just seem so realistic and they have personality. So watching them die is terrible. Especially bc I know how it feels to lose a nonhuman creature you see as your child. It's horrible, as anyone that's ever had that bond with an animal knows. And knowing that Drogon is all alone without his brothers now is just heartbreaking! Poor sweet baby only has his mama now and no dragon bros to wander the skies with 😭😭😭

Jaime leaving Brienne made me so upset. She doesn't ask for much but she wanted him to stay and he couldn't even do that for her. I do understand that it's hard to get out and let go of toxic/abusive relationships bc there's usually so much that went into them but I really thought he had left Cersei for good. But hey, this season seems to be about stupid decisions with zero logic behind them!

I'm just sick of Sansa this season. I don't want to be but she's been written so horribly I can't ignore it and make excuses anymore. I think Bran is the only true-born Stark I actually like at this point bc he's chill. And I really don't understand Arya leaving Winterfell after all that family talk.

I OBVIOUSLY hated how Sansa and Sandor talked about Sansa’s rape. I can't think of any rape victims being glad they were raped and abused but what can I expect from misogynistic writing. What a disappointment.

I'm pretty disappointed that Sansa shared Jon’s secret and has put Daenerys (and even Jon!) in danger (which I suppose she would be happy about since she's a petty manipulator now). I understand why Jon wanted her and Arya to know bc I hate keeping secrets from people I love and trust too, it doesn't feel good. It feels a lot like lying. But I do think he should have listened to Daenerys and not told anyone or just told Arya since she is trustworthy at least. I just can't believe the writers would make Sansa do such a thing and still try to make Daenerys look like the villain (which I don't see bc I understand people and feelings and enjoy actually learning about human behavior however I can).

I ugly cried when Missandei died bc she was so pure and intelligent and just perfect. And obviously bc I love her so much. The world didn't deserve her! That was so horrible I can't even believe they did that to her. Especially considering she was the only woc left on the show! I did love her last words though. I just can't believe she died in chains 😭

I don't see what everyone is talking about in terms of Dany going “mad”. I see a human woman reacting to loss after loss, betrayal after betrayal in such a normal, human way. I honestly feel like I actually am going insane and I haven't suffered anything compared to Daenerys! Missandei was clearly the last straw and I don't blame Daenerys for anything she does now (I probably wouldn't anyway bc I do understand how war works and don't blame the strongest woman for it first chance I get). Like seriously, her haters’ internalized misogyny is showing!

I officially hate Cersei now bc she had Missandei killed. That is not something I can look past just bc she's kinda relatable or used to be anyway.

And I'm so done with Varys. Tyrion seemed pretty cool this episode so I don't hate him atm. He was trying to defend Daenerys at least.

I just don't like the brutality of this episode. Some deaths make sense but some don't (and I mean in the series as a whole, not just this episode)! If all I wanted was blood and gore and murder I would watch nothing but John Wick type movies and play games like Call of Duty. I love fantasy. I love magick and I love romance and I especially loved how this fantasy in particular managed to still seem realistic with dragons and direwolves and magick and all the neat stuff we don't have in the real world (well, except magick, we do have that). I only play Nintendo games for a reason! I'm gonna have to force myself to get back to reading the books now just to get to know the real characters and all the storylines that were left out.

I honestly feel betrayed after watching this last episode. I've never been so invested in something like this and I probably won't be again tbh bc I don't think anything could compare. The way things are playing out upset me as a woman and as a feminist, especially knowing this is a global thing! You find want to be sending the wrong messages when everyone on Earth is watching.

I feel played! I guess that's what I get for being optimistic about something for a change. I always get tricked into looking on the “bright side” only to be disappointed yet again! And almost always by men or humanity as a whole. I much prefer expecting the worst and not being disappointed when it happens. Though I seem to always hope for the best and prepare for the worst so I guess this is going to be an endless cycle for me, lol.

Not sure why I'm always surprised when straight white guys disappoint me, especially when they're in charge of telling the stories of women and poc or even just anyone that isn't a straight white cis guy. I suppose we can only imagine how different (and probably better) this show would have been if there were more female writers, especially woc!!! Gosh, I bet the show would have been 10x better. Oh well, I guess.

I think that's the end of my personal rant over episode 4, lol.

#got season 8 #got spoilers #got s8e4 #game of thrones #sorry for the long post but i needed to get it all out

[overelegantstranger]

I had a headache at the time I saw your original post so I didn't feel up to engaging with it much, but if/when you have the time and energy, please could you expand on your behaviour model of queerness? (feel free to answer privately or publicly, whichever you prefer)

Hey,yeah, so! First off, sorry this took me a little bit to get to; I wasn'toperating on full brain for a while there. Anyway, the idea of Queerness as aDiscrete Identity only really started to happen in the late 1800s, when EdwardCarpenter (a gay guy in a long-running relationship, incidentally) startedyelling about it. This is part of an attempt to assert queerness as a thingseparate from morals, as a part of one's identity and as something thatdeserves a struggle for rights same as any other demographic.

I agree withthis, just in case anyone watching this thinks I want queer folks to end uplike Oscar Wilde and Simeon Solomon. I don't. But, nevertheless, in my personalopinion we lost something, as queer people, when the identity-centered approachCarpenter started took hold. The thing about identity centered approaches isthat they more easily create an us/them dynamic. Queer people become discreteunits that Straight Society can dismiss as a "them", when before - asDeborah Lutz puts it in my favourite ever book ever, "if people discoveredsuch things as sodomy existed, they might try it for themselves". StraightSociety is, by and large (but not Fully) "safe" from that anxietynow.

You're either "Gay", or you're"Straight"; you're a "them" or an "us". Thisforms an essential bracketing off of experience, because identities areactually much slippier. The lines between trans identity and gay identity areincredibly slippy, for example. Carpenter himself articulates gay male identityas having a "woman's soul". Trans and gay identities are very closelywound together; to be gay, in the late 1800s and early 1900s, is to begenderqueer.

This got separated out; I'm not sure what came first, greaterunderstanding of transness or respectability politics, but nevertheless, to adegree, identity politics allowed this distinction to happen because it hadlaid down a framework in which there could be uses and thems with regard to sexuality and non-cis gender experiences. Once"them" became a discrete class rather than just an immoral version of"us", it could be further distinguished and shifted, by both the inand out groups. I am not sure of quite the dynamics at play here but queernessgot stripped of its aspects until the only difference between the"us" and the "them" was the gender of the person you hadsex with. This was your identity, now; this was a Category you could exist in.It gained some nuances (Carpenter suggests all queer men are effeminate andarty) and lost others (your gender wasn't inherently slippery, any more). Butbecause of that slimlining of the categories, lots of people found themselveswithout category. Due to the new framework, we make identity after identity.That's fine. I have no problem with that. But categories come with measuringdevices, and all out-groups measure you for "fitness".

I've lost my thread. Anyway, you start with two distinctcategories. "Gay" and "Straight". "Gay" lost itsgenderqueerness quite early, if I recall, though I'm not sure of the actualdynamics. "Bi" immediately troubles this bracket, because you can'tfit bi folk into either. They don't measure up to the requirements of thecategories. This is why, in my opinion, a lot of biphobic folks will fall backon behavioural models. They'll use your behaviour to try and figure out whereyou fall. Rightly, a lot of bi people have fought against this and establishedfor themselves their own box.

Mainstream queer history is the constant creationof boxes. I don't necessarily disagree with this; I certainly see the impulse.But boxes necessitate measuring yourself. You have to always be enough to fitin the box, even if you made it for yourself. You're always seperated, even ifyou share a line with another person's box. Everything you do is measuredagainst the box. If your identity changes or your understanding of yourselfdevelops, you have to change the dimensions of your box (generally impossible,because we don't have personal control over many of the boxes. Boxes can changeshape if enough inhabitants decide it needs to change, but most of the time wejust move boxes).

This is an exhausting process because it requires you watchyourself at all times, to measure every aspect every time it changes. This is,in my opinion, especially exhausting because of the lines we've put up aboutnot claiming words unless you fit this box or that box, not talking about thisissue if you're not a Known Inhabitant of Box 54 And You Can Prove It. Likebringing an electric bill to prove your address, you have to present yourexperiences to prove your box-membership. So we become constantly aware and onedge; constantly waiting to whip out a ruler and measure, to prove to ourselvesor others that we belong.

Another aspect of identity models is that the act ofboxing isolates one part of your identity from another. Your gender is hangingaround in one box, while your sexuality throws a ball against the wall ofanother, and never the twain shall meet. What happens if you feel those aspectsare intertwined? What if, as I have seen often, you feel more a man whenattracted to men and more a woman when attracted to women? What if you feel youfit the definition of cis woman but your attraction to women makes you feeldistanced from womanhood in some way? What if you're aroace and a woman but youfeel isolated from the "woman" box because so many of your fellowinhabitants are allo? Do you make a new box to hold All of you or do you justcontend with living with your identities boxed apart?

Constant measuring is stressful and painful and confusingand I reject the lot of it. I reject the idea that my identity can be boxed.I open myself to the idea that my orientation and gender do not have to be pegson which my identity hangs; I open myself out to the possibility that none ofit fucking well matters. I am queer, and that's it. All the little pieces of itdon't matter. There's nothing to measure, nothing to live up to; I'm queerbecause I reject "straight" norms, and that's it. I'm not going toreplace it with another set of norms just so that I can wave my electric billin front of a REG.  What I do is moreimportant to me than whether I could fit this identity or that identity. How Ibehave is more important to me than proving I belong.

I could call myselfa polysensual, polyalterous gray-ace, aromantic androgyne; I could chase categories until every aspectof me is defined. Those categories, however, because every spare corner isfilled up with gatekeepers and discoursers, require things of you.

Polysensualrequires you to evaluate what you want from people and who you want it from,and not only what you would do butyour gut responses, the hypotheticals, the maybes. Polyalterous requires you,even though the very word is meant to mean a slipperiness between friendshipand romance, to make sure you can’t tellthe difference. Aroace requires you, again, to understand distinctions youmay not even be able to read. It requires you to measure every incident of attractionagainst a measure you don’t understand and feel constantly like someone’s goingto look through your list of attractions and make sure you count as aromantic,as ace.

Does the single time I felt sexual attraction to some celebrity discountme? Was I really talking myself into this crush or that crush? The time Iwanted a male classmate to look at me, to be impressed with me, to hold my handand kiss me – is that a romantic crush? Was that alterous, because of the timea bit later when I was dating a roommate and I felt full of glass? Androgynerequires you to examine your whole life, to evaluate yourself against girlnessand boyness and every time you tip away from one or towards another or away fromthe system entire, you find yourself lost and confused and remeasuring, but everytime you measure the ruler has changed dimensions.

I chose other words, but those too leave you dogged by the feelingthat you’re not enough, that you don’t deserve those words or communities ordefinitions; that someone’s going to see right into you and find you don’t fit.I got tired of it, I got pissed off. I’m sick of the idea that something elseinside me can be measured; that what I choose and want and claim is somehowless important than some essential Inner Self.

I fully support the use of labels, self-identification, thewaving of flags, the coining of words. I think everyone should have access toall the tools they possibly can find in order to find communities, to feel likethemselves, to understand themselves, to be understood. I don’t believe thatany identity inherently requires extreme self-analysis but I think the systemwe have, certainly on tumblr and online more generally, is sliding rapidlytowards requiring it.  I do not mean tosuggest that everyone should take ona behavioural model for themselves. I do however think that the climate we haveonline is making things less helpful, more opaque, via constant gatekeeping.

That is not a fault of the labels themselves, but it is a consequenceof identity-based models falling prey to respectability politics andauthoritarian mindsets.

That is not a fault of the labels themselves, but it is a consequenceof identity-based models falling prey to respectability politics andauthoritarian mindsets.

Moving away from a behavioural model was, at first, a goodthing, because it moved discussions of queerness away from morality. It did,however, wash us up where we are now – full of “discourse” and infighting andconstant, constant measuring.

Not everyone is going to be unhappy with the system as it isand that’s fine. Perhaps in encouraging them to do as they want while I do as Iwant I’m making another box, but perhaps I’m not.

There are aspects of the identity model I keep, but wordsand definitions have become less important to me as I’ve gone on. It is, forinstance, important to my sense of self now that I use he/him, that I feel asense of odd kinship with those troubling, “effete”, arty, dandyish, decadent,immoral gentlemen of the late eighteen-nineties. How I specifically define mysexuality is less important to me than the fact that I’m with Book, that I’mgoing to be with Book my whole damn life. How I define my sexuality is lessimportant to me than what I actually do and who do it with. It’s imperfect. I’mnot sure I’ll ever be able to fully move away from an identity-model in someform, partly because the identity-model is so pervasive that if you refuse anidentity you’re presumed cis and straight. This is happening even now with queer; even though queer is itself anidentity label, its lack of measurability has lead it to be considered spicy cishet.

If any box can be redefined as “cishet” the second a morevocal box disagrees with it, I don’t want to play by those rules and wait to bemade cishet; I want my behaviour to speak for me. I want people to have to consider me queer because theycan see I’m not-straight, I want to evade those who would shove me intostraightness just because I don’t fit their boxes.

[queerasfolkmagic]

Introducing myself

Hello folks, 

Having been here a while, I thought it was about time to formally introduce myself to you guys. Plus I’ve spent most of the day drafting a letter of introduction to apply for an apprenticeship, so my thoughts on who I am in terms of magical practice and where I’ve come from feels a lot more organised than it has for years. 

So the basic stuff. I’m a queer cis man living in the UK, but I grew up working class in Georgia. I’ve got a brilliant boyfriend who is a dyed in the wool atheist & sceptic who nonetheless is extremely supportive of my practice. I work in the arts, and have been working professionally as a poet, performer and installation artist for the past 15 years or so. However, I’m taking some time off next year from both my company and my arts practice to focus on retraining as a psychotherapist. In its own way, this feels closely linked to my renewed interest in magic, but more on that later. 

So my journey into magic - When I was a freshman in high school, a way-cooler-than-me senior sat me down in a patch of grass near our school and asked me if I’d ever heard of Wicca. I’m not sure why she singled me out – I was a pretty nerdy and way into fantasy novels, but she was friends with my older brother. It was the first time I’d ever heard of Wicca, but she lent me a copy of Cunningham’s Wicca: A Guide For The Solitary Practitioner, patted my head, and sent me on my way. I read the book from cover to cover and shared it with my friends, and we formed (or at least formalised!) our first coven. 

The 90s was a pretty good time to be a teen witch. The Craft came out, and you could pick up Llewellyn books at Barnes and Noble (even if your heart was pounding the entire time you walked up to the register). It was good, even in the Bible Belt. There was a metaphysical shop in downtown Atlanta we’d all make the occasional pilgrimage to when we could convince an older sibling to drive us down, or later when we started getting our own licenses. We traded books and stayed up late. We burned candles in the woods – scrappy copses of undeveloped lands at the edges of our subdivisions, our public parks, our back yards. I started wearing a pentacle and drawing green men on my textbooks. It was the 90s and it was exciting. I read a lot of Cunningham and Caitlin and John Matthews. Later I found Starhawk, both her fiction and non fiction. 

However, I remember that even at the time I felt like I got more out of books like Brian Froud and Alan Lee’s Faeries or pretty much anything by Charles de Lint or Terri Windling, and the bits of folklore that got slipped into their stories. I felt more resonance with current writers grappling with and interpreting myth and folklore than I did with people writing about modern witchcraft. Partly, it was because I felt uneasy about some of the claims around unbroken lineage a lot of writers were making, rather than admitting and owning a reconstructionist approach. Also, the emphasis around fertility never felt like it fit for me. As a queer kid in a small southern town, the last thing I needed was another dogmatic approach to gender. When authors talked about the Wheel of the Year, it sounded like a beautiful myth but one that felt so removed from me. The Horned God felt like just another straight guy – unknowable and unrelatable, 

 I spent a lot of time walking through woods, and trying to be open to what they contained. Looing back, I think what resonated a lot more with me was a sense of animism – something that was discussed briefly in the books I read, but never given the same sense of importance as Deity worship. 

Then things fell apart. My dad committed suicide and my mom’s addictions started spiralling out of control. My own drug and alcohol use increased massively. I started spending a lot more time at raves than I did in nature. By the time I finished high school, my sense of connection with nature and interest in spirituality of any stripe pretty much disappeared. Occasionally it would resurface. I went to acting school, and the Goddess showed up in more than one visualisation exercise – which was both powerful and uncomfortable. After I got sober I discovered Quakerism and connected to a different kind of god – not quite the Christian one, not quite the Wiccan one – but someone who felt like a loving father and also mysterious and awesome. Still, nothing really stuck. I moved to the UK in 2004 and religion and spirituality is pretty much a no go here.  

So fast forward a couple of years – I promise I’m getting to the end! Two things happened. I took my partner back to the US to meet my family, and the newness of seeing my family through his eyes taught me a lot including the fact that my family is witchy AF. We talk openly about seeing ghosts, we talk with our dead and they speak to us in signs, we share stories about premonitions and intuition, and we create little altars all the time. I know it sounds stupid, but I’d genuinely never really thought about it before. It was just my family. I though magic came from wise women in the woods, not my Aunt Nancy in Chicago. For the first time, I thought about magic as being an inheritance, and as something that bonds me to family both living and dead. 

 The second incident happened while on holiday in Cornwall when for the first time in years I took a whole week off and sat by the sea. I didn’t do anything else. I turned off my phone and just sat in the sunshine, slept when I was tired, ate when I was hungry, watched the waves and the moon and the bees and just listened. And a message came through loud and clear (and terrifying in its clarity).  

And so with both those things in mind, I opened myself up. There were a lot of mistakes. The first witchy book I bought after 20 years was a beautiful book on natural healing – gorgeous pictures, but mostly recipes for homemade bath bombs and raw smoothies and nothing on spirituality. I bought some santo palo and realised I do not like the smell of santo palo. I bought way too many crystals and tarot packs, all of which looked beautiful and felt dead in my hands. I started a tumblr page and followed pretty much anyone who looked a bit witchy and got lost down some unfulfilling rabbit holes. 

 Then one day I pulled out a tiger’s eye my best friend had given me in high school and I felt something. Something profound – a tingle in my hand and up my arm, small but undeniable. I found a tarot pack that started giving me startlingly clear answers. – turns out it was a basic vanilla RWS pack I needed! I found some great witchy podcasts – New World Witchery, The Witch Wave, and Betwixt and Between – who were talking about things that made sense to me. 

The world of witchcraft has changed SO MUCH in the past twenty years I was away! Wicca is no longer the only flavour! No shade to Wiccans, but it feels so good to see other traditions be given more airtime. I’d never heard of Southern Conjure, hoodoo, and cunningfolk practices, and it has been so exciting to learn a bit about them. I’ve found Judika Illes and Byron Ballard. I’ve rediscovered Cunningham – not all of it is relevant to me, The Magical Household is one of the best books I’ve ever read. Most importantly, I’ve started thinking again about what bits of folklore and fairy tales feel ‘right’. So while The Green Witch and The Sorcerer’s Secrets are on my beside ‘to read’ book pile, so is The Book of English Magic, A Treasury of British Folklore, The Long Lost Friend, and A Deed Without a Name. So is Brewers Book of Phrase and Fable and Red Sky At Night and In The Pines and The Book of English Folk Tales and fairy tale collections from the Brothers Grimm and Hans Christian Anderson.

So while I’m still finding my way,I’d like to be a modern-day cunning man. I’d like to use traditional and folkloric knowledge relating to my cultural and ancestral heritage (Irish, Welsh, Hungarian, Southern American, working class, queer) to help myself and the people around me deal with the challenges of being alive – finding security, dealing with grief, understanding their loved ones better. I’d like to be a repository for old ways and the creator of new ones. I’d like to be open and honest about my practices and my spiritual life. I’d like to be mostly kind and sometimes righteous when I need to be. I’d like to be on a first name basis with my ancestors and the land I live on. I’d like to spend time learning about little gods – house spirits, local faeries and land spirits, the birds who live in the local park, the spiders who make their homes in my garden – than building up big pantheons from other cultures. I’d like to celebrate the phases of the moon rather than the Wheel of the Year. I’d like to worship my mom and dad as the fierce, wonderful, loving, dangerous spirits they are. I’d like for casting a spell or talking to my ancestors to be as immediate an impulse as looking something up on Google. I’d like to be Sally Owen. Maybe Gilly Owen. One of the Owens, anyway. Definitely one of the Owens

#queer witch #gay witch #folk magic #folk witch #folklore #green witch #hedge witch #witches #witch #witchcraft #witch community #male witch #witches of tumblr #working class witch #london witch #bristol witch

[inspirelocked]

Hey ya'll

Ily guys

Sorry but like i just feel like talking about this. Idk why here or whatever, maybe somewhere in my head i think someone will offer me some form of comfort or advice..? I really dont expect anyone to, but i just feel like i need to say this for whatever reason

I try not to be one to vent or rant on here but this is me, my blog, my life, my feelings, my experiences. So, as you know i am a trans guy, pre everything. I have a boyfriend (who is magnificent in every single way), and he's cis. He's so fucking amazing that he forgets I'm trans, and that allows me to forget too. He apologizes every time he's reminded like "oh my god sorry i keep forgetting" but it warms my heart bc someone out there sees me as a true boy. Someone really important to me. He doesn't see me for the female body i feel so desperately trapped in. But yesterday, we were at my cousin's house (i still am, they're both asleep currently) for a sleepover. For more context, my cousin Stormie is a BABE. She's homeschooled and the kindest person i know. She said i should invite a friend over for a sleepover with her once, because she gets lonely and i help fill that loneliness by bringing her my friends for her to meet and maybe befriend herself. Me, having fairly recently gotten together a couple months before with my boyfriend, invited him over. He and her had a great time (plus this other trans guy that she had known all her life, and my boyfriend ended up knowing) and became PALS. Like, gOod buddies. She instantly adopted him as her brother and he thrived. Anyways, its been a full year since then, we've -as a trio- had countless more sleep overs and this one was no different. Except, i packed only long sleeved shirts. A flannel and a sweater i had just gotten for a late birthday present. Its cold outside, so thats why. But it was a DUMB MOTHERFUCKING MOVE. I left my binder on purpose because haha why would i need it?? DUMB ASS BITCH. I HATE PAST ME. well, i overheated. I HAD to change. My family is great and offered other shirts, and one tank top they offered me was SO COMFY AND COOL AND GOOD, but, it didnt hide my chest at all. You could see every single curve and it was, very dysphoria inducing. I was like, "alright, well, im just at stormies. It will be fine. They wont even notice, and they'll let you forget about it. It will be alright." And i was about to come back out of stormie's room and remembered my boyfriend was here too. Now, as i said, he forgets. But that doesn't mean in any way that hes unsupportive. In fact he's probably been the MOST supportive force in my life since this whole transition started. He's been there for me through more than anyone else in my life combined when it comes down to my trans-ness. But for some reason, i have this issue where i CANT disappoint him. And, i knOW. My chest being out like that cant be exactly, u know, great. I was a boy right? Was everything i was, wrong? I thought maybe, ughthryaksjfdysgsyrhdg

I cant fucking type what im feeling it gets all confusing and angry. But i felt so terrible for letting him see me like that. He has NEVER seen my chest. Even before i came out and he knew me for like 2 months. I NEVERRRR let my chest be visible. He couldn't pretend there was nothing there, i couldnt either. It was there and visible. I was so near tears it was unbelievable i havent cried yet still. I think thats the worst my dysphoria has been for a month, which is saying something bc its been bad. When we got a second alone He said he felt sorry for me bc he knew i felt bad. But i couldnt really answer him, i just started shaking and continued talking about what we were doing. He said he loved me, and that this was temporary and its ok bc i was a real guy. It really did soothe me, but i couldnt say that, my trembling wouldnt let me address my feelings. I just said "okay" and changed the subject again so i wouldnt start sobbing. Then when we rejoined stormie in the livingroom, we were roleplaying on our phones (this rp has been going for over a year now and we do this all the time. We sit in the same room on our phones and rp back and forth. Its so comforting and nice to me, i love it) and he would glance up at me every few minutes. I had my striped scarf over my chest but you could see the shape. Eventually, i saw him glance up and cringe so visibly. Then he stopped looking up. He seemed to be doing everything in his power to avoid looking at me. I was probably just distraught and upset and maybe thats not the case but at that point i was SO sure i was nothing but a disappointment to him. Ive got this nagging thought/fear whatever that hes going to break up with me for this but i knOW he wont. I at least hope not. Hes repulsed by the female body (i cant say im not either. Im so suicidal bc of it.) And now he just, knows i have one. Theres no more pretending or denying. There's only facing facts and figuring out the next step. Im so sure im not good enough for him and it hurts every part of my body because i CANT be what he likes. He likes guys, he likes men bodies, hes disgusted by boobs and stuff and i cant be the man he thinks hes into. I try so hard to pretend i have a flat chest but no amount of hoping or hurti g or pretending will change the fact that my body is just wrong or will help anything. I just have to keep stewing in the trapped hurt and pray he doesnt get tired of waiting. If he does, then i dont blame him and im really sorry i wasted his time.

Hey thanks just ignore this idk where to vent like this so here ya go.

#inspire screaming #help #dysphoria #chest tw #suicide mention #cw #dysphoria/ #im in so much fucking pain #i just want to go die #i have felt so bad #im so sorry #im a disappointment #i cant be what he likes #i cant be what i like #im wrong #ignore this #ignore me