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doscozycats · 18 days

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Fixing relationships within ourselves

Being complicated beings we don't only have relationships with each other but we also have relationships within us. Relationships that shape our world are relationships with food, with our image, with knowledge, our space, and with our body and mind to name a few. These in my opinion are different than relationships like friendship because the only active participant in this relationship is ourselves. We build the trust, the loyalty, and even the fun and everything contributing to a healthy one. I don't think I am the best in these types of relationships which is probably why I am lacking in relationships other than these. I am judgemental of myself, I am not understanding, I am short-tempered, and too idealistic. The reason for this would be sabotage and habits. Step by step I want to change these thoughts and approaches I have. I have started with one area in particular that I am very toxic in. My relationship with food and my body image. This is something I have struggled with ever since I was a child. The reasons are obvious, household environment is a big part of this but also traumatic things that have happened during the development stage of my childhood. No one not even myself could care less about "reasons" because when someone looks at you they don't see them and the only thing you can also see in the mirror is the outcome, not the reasons. That affected me a lot, I wanted to see myself beautiful and feel healthy. I wanted to have control over what and how much I ate because it was obvious I didn't have that ability. I felt small as a human when I thought about how something as powerless as food was still more powerful than me. All of these thoughts shaped me into a period of distress and restriction.

I felt good when I saw how much I changed and what pushed me was that I never was good enough as others. So striving to be as good as others made me go on. It was never enough no matter how hungry I was, no matter how thin I was because in my head whatever I ate was too much and I always needed to do damage control. That period lasted for five years and after five years I just let everything go. I was hungry, I was sick of restricting and I was in a happy and stable relationship that made me feel like I deserved to finally eat. Eating is great and yes I did technically deserve it I guess as does everyone however my body didn't deserve the sudden overeating, guilt, and stomachaches. Every day I ate but vowed to stop, every day I ate until I felt numb and every day I felt like having no control was in the end how I was. I was a failure, I am a failure I said to myself. This went on for 1 long year that felt like an eternity. During that year I gained the most weight I had ever gained. I felt the worst, not thinking of my health or body at all and only thinking about what's on my plate. Every day just cemented habits that were going to make my life shorter and make my mind go nuts. Comparing my plate with my partners, constantly thinking of food and never being hungry. You would think that anything would be better than this because it just feels like a cycle of hell. Every week clothes are getting tighter, limbs wider. Looking in the mirror and seeing yourself get uglier every day. I do believe that when I gain weight I am ugly because I gained that weight while I was abusing myself. I was abusing myself with overeating, unhealthy eating, with not listening to my body or my mind. I mean honestly speaking I wouldn't let my child eat like that so why was I letting myself eat like that? Because I didn't care. I didn't want to go on like that, I didn't trust myself with fixing this because each time I felt more and more discouraged so this time I opted for professional help. I went to a dietician and told her all of my struggles. I found her through social media and chose her because her posts were intriguing. She gave me a basic diet list to follow and each week we would have an appointment to go over what we would like to change, what works, and how we should approach our relationship with food. I immediately felt relieved because she would monitor what and how much I was eating not me. I just had to listen to her which I quickly realized I was good at. Of course, I had my slips and of course, some days were better than others though it didn't change anything, I was determined to change this time and I had help. It has been 3 full months since I started and I have lost 11.4 kg in total. I didn't go into this wanting to lose the weight quickly I just wanted to stop gaining weight and start eating well. I wanted to stop craving something every second and stop being hungry constantly. I also have Pcos which resulted in me having only 3 periods last year. Ever since I started eating well I have been consistently getting my period every month. My energy levels are stable, sometimes my hunger cues are whack but in general, they are stable as well. My cravings have gotten significantly less and so have my eating portions. I feel like the road only gets easier from here. I am more content with everything in my life, with my self-image, and with my relationship with food as well. I have peace of mind knowing every day I am treating myself with kindness and nurture. Food is still my hobby, I love cooking and eating. I love trying new restaurants and new drinks however I know not everything is worth trying. Not everything is worthy to be in my body. I mean it's food its nothing holy and I am not a dumpster so why should I consume it? These are the things I repeat in my head to unlearn things I used to believe in. Hopefully, with time, I will be better in other self-relationships but for now, I am proud that I have bettered myself this way.

#writing #eating #diet #health #story #experience

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mcrmadness · 3 years

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#why is the word 'gender envy' suddenly everywhere on my dash???#I mean it probably has something to do with the fact that half of the people I follow here are more or less trans #but still!!! I feel like I need to filter that tag TOO soon because I'm getting an overload of that word #it's just something I cannot relate to at all. That's why I started using 'aesthetic envy' instead.#But I also don't understand why people want to look like someone else. Like someone who already exists.#It's so weird? Like... why can't everyone be an invididual and look unique.#I know I definitely hate my looks because thanks body dysmorphia but I also once had a phase when I wanted to look like someone specific.#And it was nuts. I mean... I was not myself. I had so bad depersonalization going on.#I legit thought my whole face was gonna transform into that person by adding a little bit of makeup. And needless to say: it didn't.#And it was very traumatic for me because I just looked even uglier than ever and the dissociation was so bad.#I still don't understand why I wanted to 'look' like that person because wtf they're a PERSON.#Not like an ad from some 'choose your new looks' catalog. A person. And I'm a person. Why would I want to be someone's clone?#I find it extremely weird to think that I'd have a doppelganger somewhere because #1. I don't wish anyone to look like me and 2. I definitely don't want to see a second me walking anywhere because oh boy am I ugly.#I don't want to have a reminder of what I look like irl. Because I look like a monster.#So I hope I don't have a doppelganger anywhere because looking like me would be the worst. Something I wouldn't wish even upon my biggest e #enemy* and ffs I hate this new editor it lets me write longer tags that what it allows #whoops venting but seriously the world is just so weird and I have dissociation #mcrmadness' deep thoughts #idk why I chose the tags instead of writing under a read more link #and now can't copypaste the tags anymore so tags it is

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agentrouka-blog · 4 years

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If Sandor is Sansa's abuser then why does she want him around her.She doesnt wish Tyrion,LF,Marillion's presence around her.I think GRRM intentionally kept the Hound in Quiet Isle even when he could have him killed because his narrative is not over & I think when he comes back healed,he & Sansa will enter into a consensual relationship.Why would GRRM let Sansa think of Sandor numerous times fondly throughout 4 books if it's not to have a romantic payoff?

Hi anon,

sometimes I wonder why some readers equate “thinking of” with “thinking of fondly”. Sansa doesn’t think of the Hound with affection or longing. She simply thinks of him.

1) Sansa is quite capable of compartmentalizing her abuse at the Hound’s hand from the ways he had also been a form of protection to her. He had been one of the few people we see actually talk to Sansa since.. ever. Her Father didn’t. The Septa didn’t. Jeyne was removed from her. The Hound is one of the few people who asked her what she thought, and had actual conversations with her about the world around her.

But no, that does not in any way cancel out the fact that he grabbed, frightened, belittled and assaulted her. It just means she is that isolated and frightened.

In her last chapter in ACOK, after his assault, she doesn’t think about him at all. She is elated because the betrothal with Joffrey is broken and then horrified when Dontos explains to her that she is not a bit safer for it.

ASOS, has her more isolated than ever, dreadful of her situation, with no one to talk to. Tyrion is out of commission, the Hound is gone, Dontos has zero authority to protect her in any way, she can only meet him in the dark godswood.

So, yes, in her first chapter she is rationalizing away what happened because she feels so unsafe that she doubts her decision not to leave with him and finds excuses for his behavior, and downright rewrites the trauma of his physical assault. That doesn’t mean he didn’t assault her. We saw him assault her on the page.

The same smallfolk who pulled me from my horse and would have killed me, if not for the Hound. Sansa had done nothing to make the commons hate her, no more than Margaery Tyrell had done to win their love. (…)

Even so, she must accept. She was nothing now, the discarded daughter of a traitor and disgraced sister of a rebel lord. She could scarcely refuse Joffrey’s queen-to-be.

I wish the Hound were here. The night of the battle, Sandor Clegane had come to her chambers to take her from the city, but Sansa had refused. Sometimes she lay awake at night, wondering if she’d been wise. She had his stained white cloak hidden in a cedar chest beneath her summer silks. She could not say why she’d kept it. The Hound had turned craven, she heard it said; at the height of the battle, he got so drunk the Imp had to take his men. But Sansa understood. She knew the secret of his burned face. It was only the fire he feared. That night, the wildfire had set the river itself ablaze, and filled the very air with green flame. Even in the castle, Sansa had been afraid. Outside … she could scarcely imagine it.

Sansa II has the first instance of the Unkiss.

She and Alla played a kissing game sometimes, she confessed, but it wasn't the same as kissing a man, much less a king. Sansa wondered what Megga would think about kissing the Hound, as she had. He'd come to her the night of the battle stinking of wine and blood. He kissed me and threatened to kill me, and made me sing him a song.

That is not a “fond” memory. It is a memory. A bad one. A FAKE one. Because the original one was too traumatizing to coexist with her constant fear for her life. It's a Catch 22. Leave with her would-be-rapist (Hound) or stay with her would-be-rapist (Joffrey). There is zero escape for her, save what Dontos is cooking up so unreliably, so yeah, she rewrites the Hound’s assault into a fake less awful escape option that she rejected. That’s a measure of control she wants to imagine she had.

It is the exact same mechanism that had her editing her blame for Joffrey in Lady’s death, because she was still betrothed to him and had no way out.

When Prince Joffrey seated himself to her right, she felt her throat tighten. He had not spoken a word to her since the awful thing had happened, and she had not dared to speak to him. At first she thought she hated him for what they'd done to Lady, but after Sansa had wept her eyes dry, she told herself that it had not been Joffrey's doing, not truly. The queen had done it; she was the one to hate, her and Arya. Nothing bad would have happened except for Arya. (AGOT, Sansa II)

That is not a mechanism that hints at a future consensual romantic relationship. It’s how Sansa copes with trauma and inescapable dread.

He is so ugly, Sansa thought when his face was close to hers. He is even uglier than the Hound. (ASOS, Sansa III)

Fond?

The memory of her own wedding night with Tyrion was much with her. In the dark, I am the Knight of Flowers, he had said. I could be good to you. But that was only another Lannister lie. A dog can smell a lie, you know, the Hound had told her once. She could almost hear the rough rasp of his voice. Look around you, and take a good whiff. They're all liars here, and every one better than you. She wondered what had become of Sandor Clegane. Did he know that they'd killed Joffrey? Would he care? He had been the prince's sworn shield for years. (ASOS, Sansa VI)

Creepy memory brings to mind the Hound. And his loyalty to Joffrey. Fond?

Something like this...

When the mob sought to rape her, the Hound carried her to safety, not Littlefinger. (AFFC, Sansa I)

...is juxtaposed with something like this..

As the boy's lips touched her own she found herself thinking of another kiss. She could still remember how it felt, when his cruel mouth pressed down on her own. He had come to Sansa in the darkness as green fire filled the sky. He took a song and a kiss, and left me nothing but a bloody cloak.

(AFFC, Alayne II)

... or this...

"Oh, yes. He died on top of me. In me, if truth be told. You do know what goes on in a marriage bed, I hope?"

She thought of Tyrion, and of the Hound and how he'd kissed her, and gave a nod. "That must have been dreadful, my lady. Him dying. There, I mean, whilst . . . whilst he was . . ." (AFFC, Alayne II)

So, no, she is not thinking of him fondly. And there will be no romantic relationship. Unfinished business with both Stark sisters does not equate to romance. The best this unrepentent child murderer can hope for is to pull a Theon and die honorably in their defense, but who knows.

2) Sansa is thirteen years old. She will not magically become an appropriate age for a man old enough to be her father at any point in the novel run time, even if he hadn’t assaulted her into creating a fake memory.

3) Sandor is not dead because his arc is unfinished, yes, and that encompasses a lot more than his weird fixation on a child, which itself centered around his own personal cynicism. His crimes, his relationship with Gregor, his relationship with knighthood, with the Lannisters, with fire.. all of that is waiting to be addressed. The Quiet Isle isn’t a place where he “heals”. It is where GRRM parked him until further use. He will not suddenly come back a good person, he has done nothing to atone for his wrongdoing. And no, cold-blooded child murderers don’t get happy endings.

#asoiaf #sansa stark #sandor clegane #the Hound #anti sansan #anti sandor clegane #assault #mismemory #trauma #the unkiss #asks

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bisexualadamparrish · 4 years

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why the hunger games series had to end the way it did...

Okay, so before I get going I want to give a little background on my own perspectives of this book over time. The first time I read the series, I was ~11 years old and in the sixth grade. I read the books shortly after my mom (for some context, I come from a southern, pretty conservative, military family, which obviously gave me some very specific world-views). Now I’m 21, have been out of my house for 3 years at college, and have very different views on society, the government, and military/police forces than my family and myself at age 11, which are the major themes explored in this series. The point of providing this information is to say that, as an 11 year old reading and discussing this series with my mom and other 11 year olds, a lot of the real-life implications of the series were lost on me, and I think these real-life implications are pretty important to understanding why the series had to end the way it did.

My full analysis is under the cut (as well as a “too long, didn’t read” summary)

Looking more into the real-life connections in the series, I never put much thought into the fact that Panem is specifically a future & fallen version of North America, that fell specifically as a result of natural disasters and resource scarcity that led to a nuclear war. The series could have been written as a vague unnamed location in the future, but Collins chose to explicitly say that this new society rose out of the ashes of North America, and the USA specifically. If you read the prequel, it explores a little more in-depth how the capitol specifically rose to power, and how the relationship between the districts and the capitol were in the early years of Panem, during the first revolution, and in the early years of the era of the games.

The Capitol is very clearly painted as the direct result of wealth and resource hoarding and the abuse of the working class and how insidious it is for that to be allowed in even small amounts because with time it can snowball into more and more severe exploitation.This makes the themes explored even more relevant, because all of the major themes in the novel (war, military/police, capitalism, and government), while portrayed as more severe than in real life currently, are all big factors that do effect every-day life in America. This story is a portrayal of a potential future if these kinds of actions are left unchecked and the opinions and well-being of the vast majority of the population are swept aside in favor of the interest of the powerful. Sound familiar?

As a kid reading this, these are the points that were lost on me, and I think these points being lost are what made me feel that the ending was disappointing, or too abrupt, or unfinished. Back then I chalked it up to miss Collins being put under pressure to finish the last book and meet stricter deadlines, etc. We see that kind of slight decline or failure to wrap up loose ends a lot in series that get rapidly popular, and I genuinely just thought that was the case. Now however, while I do still feel that the ending is depressing and upsetting, I do believe it was the perfect way to end this series and a perfect ending to Katniss’s character arch.

Katniss is a character that has been hit with hardship after hardship from a very young age; forced to grow up even earlier than the other kids in her district, who all had to grow up earlier than they should have anyways. She then had to face the games, which were incredibly difficult on her physically, mentally, and emotionally; which we see the effects of throughout Catching Fire. On top of her own personal troubles moving past that, president Snow targets her that entire year and she witnesses other people hurt and killed because of her actions surrounding the games, which is horrible for her to go through. Then we reach Mockingjay and she is pretty much forced into this leadership role against her will, and even though she does embrace it eventually on her own terms, that’s a lot for an already traumatized teenager to be put through. Katniss is a wonderful character and Collins does a truly wonderful job at showing how these different situations she gets put through affect her. The books do not shy away from showing the uglier side of things and the inner-turmoil it all causes Katniss and how all of the different people in Panem are affected by everything.

All of this has been a really long lead up to my ultimate point, which is that if the story had wrapped up any differently; if Gale hadn’t committed the crimes he did, if Katniss hadn’t killed Coin, if Prim, and even Finnick, had lived and no other significant characters had been taken in their place, it would have undone three books worth of build up. To give the story an idealized ending where Love Heals All and the Good Guys™ win and they all live happily ever after would have suggested that the after effects of the war could have been overcome quickly. This would have undermined the entire message of the series. This series is a poignant look into the effects of capitalism, a totalitarian and authoritarian government, unchecked military/police force, wealth disparity, and war. In real life, there would be casualties and Katniss would never fully heal, and it makes sense that it would take her years and years and years and Peeta’s unwavering hopefulness to get to a point where she could even think about the world in a generally positive way.

I always felt when I was younger that the ending was just so depressing- it felt like they could have given us a little more of the epilogue, a little more cheerful of an ending to Katniss and Peeta’s story, but now I realize that the small amount of hope Katniss shows in the end is enough. She’s a deeply traumatized woman in a deeply traumatized world that is overcoming generations of war and poverty and oppression. Katniss never felt very hopeful even before she got put in the games, so for her as a character and the story as a whole, that small bit of healing and the hope that things will continue to get better, even if they aren’t just yet, is what we needed without it being so much that it disregards the serious tones of the series. Of course I wish Katniss and Peeta could have been completely fine and lived happily ever after, but the fact of the matter is that their society will take generations to truly heal, because the themes explored are things that leave deep scars and I think the ending Collins gave us helps prove that point.

TLDR: Yes, the ending of the Hunger Games series is depressing, but if it had been more focused on romance or if things were fixed quickly/totally it would have been too idealistic and undone three books worth of build-up showing the lasting effects of unchecked capitalism and wealth disparity, totalitarianism, and military/police forces.

#okay i know this is obnoxiously long but i had a lot of thoughts #my post #anon #thg #the hunger games #catching fire #mockingjay #a ballad of songbirds and snakes #long post

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avannak · 5 years

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Better Times

InuKog Week Day 2: Healing/Friendship

★On AO3★

Inuyasha wrinkled his nose.

He found himself doing that often since his return to Japan. The land had changed quite a bit in the last couple centuries, and for the better were anyone to ask him. Granted, he hadn’t been around long enough to witness the uglier side of things—and he knew they existed, they always existed—but ever since this Tokugawa Shogunate came into being there was a whole lot less war and brutality and a bit more order. Sure, the blatant classism was still there… As were demons. Though far, far fewer demons than his memory served him.

A concerning misrememberece if he had any intention of staying.

Despite Japan’s surface change, most things hadn’t where it counted. Forests still buried their roots deep into the ground and no human structures had surpassed the height of trees. The air flowed through his lungs unimpeded by airborne soils. The future he once bore witness too hadn’t yet come.

It was the smells that made Inuyasha uneasy. Not the new ones, but the familiar. Scents were inescapable to a nose such as his and often came with an association—sometimes a full memory. Not always welcome ones.

Most were subtle. An underlying whiff of honeysuckle from a nearby meadow had him back in Kaede’s hut, sore and bandaged, drying blood already pinching his skin in an irritating itch. Heavy pine in the air had him safe and far above the ground; bark digging into his back in the closest thing he knew to a hug since his mother passed. Clay from a potter’s market wares had his heart clenching and his skin cold and his mind hyper to fix on any other thought. The rot from a half-drowned branch had him small, and human, and scared, hiding in a dilapidated hut from a passing demon, hoping the maggots crawling through the spoiled wreckage would cover his own fearful odor.

They hurt, these memories, these sensations. It was a different time for him. He was angrier then, and younger, but learning to be happy.

He wasn’t though. He hadn’t been happy in Japan. He had moments of happiness, to be sure, but the overall experience of his birth country carried a weight he’d never shake. One of overwhelming unfairness, frustration, and isolation. Of trauma and loss and disappointment.

That’s why the cacophony of gentle smells troubled him. They weren’t offensive, per se, and certainly harmless on their own. They were simply draining to Inuyasha. And he couldn’t escape them. He couldn’t prepare himself against them.

Other scents, on the other hand, were...less subtle. Wind and smoke and sweat and fur, all lumped together, all with the welcome shock of a stubbed toe.

The hair on Inuyasha’s neck rose even before the deep, oily voice broke his peace.

“Well, well. I thought I smelled wet dog.”

Inuyasha flicked an ear in the direction of the voice. He opened his mouth to respond and then, against everything he was sure Kouga had come to expect from him, closed it.

He chose, instead, to do something he usually reserved for human nights spent in the right company. Or, in this case, when he might need a little social lubrication.

Reaching into a side pouch, he pulled out a flask and uncorked it. The fiery scent had surely reached Kouga’s sensitive nose by the time Inuyasha took his swig, eyes closed against the cool burn he’d come to associate with one of the few drinks that affected his demonic metabolism.

He didn’t bother recapping the thing. It stayed in his hand, rested against his thigh.

“Still alive, eh?” Inuyasha opted for after what he could only imagine was an annoyingly long pause.

Kouga snorted and Inuyasha could hear him take a step closer.

“So what finally dragged you back, muttface?”

Inuyasha opened his eyes and cast a look over his shoulder. He stopped short for a moment noticing the vastly different state of dress Kouga wore. The fur ensemble had gone. A long, blue hakama replaced Kouga’s signature skirt and wraps, concealing once proudly displayed muscular legs. A brown montsuki crested with wolf insignia draped across his shoulders and ran the length of his back, effectively hiding his tail. If it weren’t for the ears, Kouga could have passed for a human. Perhaps that was the point.

Inuyasha shouldn’t have been surprised: they all had to change with the times. He couldn’t imagine why Kouga hadn’t dropped a comment on his own western styled clothing.

Or his hair.

“Calm down, I’m not staying,” Inuyasha muttered, turning away. He’d had such a nice night too. Relaxing. No demons. No altercations. Just a day more and he’d reach his destination.

He didn’t feel like picking a fight today. He didn’t know if he could fight with the mounting oppressive atmosphere this land molded into him.

Kouga laughed and, to Inuyasha’s immense discomfort and irritation, settled down next to him.

“You aren’t running from someone, are you, mutt? I can’t imagine what else would scare your sorry ass back here.”

The setting sun offset the most conspiratorial gleam to the blue in Kouga’s eyes as he leaned on the arm closest to Inuyasha.

Inuyasha scoffed. “Running? The only dumbass here who runs from anything has been you.”

It was easy—comforting almost—to fall back into insults. Inuyasha had half a mind to ask why Kouga hadn’t run from Japan itself yet, seeing how the demonic presence had diminished by an...unsettling amount. He didn’t, because it risked opening an avenue of conversation he wasn’t prepared for.

Kouga didn’t rise to the bait. He shrugged, kept grinning, and Inuyasha brought the flask to his mouth again, anticipating a long, annoying night.

“If I had a vampire coven out for my blood, I’d run too.”

The drink sprayed from Inuyasha’s mouth. He sputtered and coughed, whipping around to glare at Kouga, who suddenly looked less like a nobleman and more like a snickering child.

“What—no—how’d you hear about that!?”

“Shippo.”

Inuyasha’s lip curled. “That little shit.”

It was bad enough Shippo knew. Why the fox told Kouga of all demons, Inuyasha didn’t know.

Well, he did. He had left. The academy wasn’t enough for the adolescent fox kit and Kouga was (then) one of the few male, if distant, presences he could look up to. Inuyasha knew the wolf and fox were close, but only through long correspondence.

To experience the fruit of that friendship was, frankly, horrifying. He didn’t want to think about what else Kouga knew.

“I’m not writing to him any more,” he announce aloud, sounding mulish to his own flattened ears.

Kouga rolled his eyes. Inuyasha noticed he had changed physically as well. Just in little ways… a longer face, sharper eyes…

“You’re too soft to cut him out of your life,” Kouga said.

Inuyasha responded with silence. It would have been foolish to deny it. He wasn’t so thinned skinned to react to such a statement.

“…Not like you did with that vampire.”

Inuyasha felt his face heat, which made the situation that much worse. “How the fuck—I didn’t tell that asshole that much!”

He was torn between grilling Kouga to find out what Shippo knew, and how much he knew, and how he knew it, and who else he told… and killing Kouga on the spot before hunting down every other loose end.

He could—and should—probably commit both. In that order.

Still chuckling at Inuyasha’s strangled expression, Kouga gleefully explained:

“Shippo has a vested interest in the gossip surrounding your love life, puppy. He actually puts some effort into finding out what’s going on with you. I’d say you’re better known for your disastrous breakups than defeating Naraku at this point.”

“Get fucked,” Inuyasha snarled. And that didn’t explain shit. What sort of creepy information network did the fox manage?

“I’m serious. It’s usually the second thing anyone asks him after ‘how are you?’. It’s ‘what’s Inuyasha done now?’. It’s kind of legend.”

Inuyasha sighed and with it went the initial unpleasantness that came with the shocking turn of the conversation. It couldn’t be helped. It’s not like there was anyone left on this hell of an island whose opinion he gave a damn about.

“Sounds like you guys had a pretty boring couple of centuries if that’s the sort of shit you entertain yourselves with.”

Inuyasha took another swig, hoping to burn out the final flush in his cheeks. He jerked the flask away from a clawed grab not a second too soon.

“Gimme a drink, dogshit.”

Inuyasha swallowed too quickly and had to choke down a cough. "Are you out of your damn mind?” he asked roughly. “Do you know how far I’d have to travel to get more of this? They don’t make this shit here!"

“I’ll pay you. I’m fabulously wealthy these days. By human standards, that is.”

“I don’t want your damn money, I want you to leave me alone!”

“I want to hear the details from you. I know Shippo embellishes—”

“Fuck off! Don’t you have anything better to do?”

“With you back? No.”

"Really? Absolutely nothing better to do--"

"Really!"

"--than try and take the one thing keeping me sane here? Nothing?"

“Honestly, you remind me of better times.”

That stopped Inuyasha short. Once again he found himself opening his mouth only to close it.

For the past couple days since he landed back on Japan’s shores, Inuyasha could not say anything had reminded him of better times. Yet, here sat a childhood rival, looking him dead in the eye, within arm’s reach, telling him that he, a half-breed upstart, reminded the prince of a demon tribe of Better Times.

Yes, Japan had memories that extended far beyond the shikon jewel days for Inuyasha—traumatic, oppressive memories. But the memories involving each other hinged on one crucial sharing point.

And it wasn’t a bad one.

Inuyasha swallowed the first sarcastic quip. Then the second. And, without a single word, he held out the flask to his companion. Inuyasha stared straight ahead, not needing to imagine the look of surprise on Kouga’s face, even as the hard leather slipped from his fingers, and not bothering to fight the smirk tugging his lips as he heard Kouga chug from the container.

A scream echoed across the valley, very quickly accompanied by raucous laughter.

Inuyasha couldn’t remember a time when he had laughed so openly on Japan soil before. He decided to file it away as a new memory.

#inukog week #inukog #inukoga #inuyasha #kouga #inuyasha fic #my fics #yes this is FULL of personal headcanons from my wee inuyasha days #very happy nostalgic to write this

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sleepyfan-blog · 5 years

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hOW DID I NOT THINK OF THIS? PICNIC WITH REAPER X DREAM??

Fandom: Undertale AU

Characters and pairing: Reaper!Sans, Dream, Reaper x Dream

Warnings: implied past abusive relationship, choking mention, traumatic flashback

Word count: 2,772

Summary: Dream and Reaper go on a picnic date.

Reaper had been very busy for the past couple of weeks, and Dream was only a little worried that the other might not have the time to spare for their previously-agreed upon picnic date. The failed guardian had managed to mostly shake those worries off as he double checked that he had everything packed - sandwiches, pasta salad, popato chisps, cookies, strawberry-lemonade, cutlery, plates, cups… Yep, he had everything packed! Dream carefully secured the lid on top of the picnic basket, going over to his and Reaper’s bedroom, grabbing one of the spare blankets and after refolding it so that it would fit correctly, placed it so that the handles of the basket would help keep in place on top of the basket.

He was really looking forwards to the date - he’d missed his beloved and as he was both not allowed to wander around in the mortal realm without supervision… And didn’t particularly care for interacting with most of the other gods and goddesses due to how most of them treated Reaper and his brother… Papyrus was treated a bit better, mostly because the skeleton was very sweet and kind, alongside being an aspect of death. Sans, who was more cynical and had a darker sense of humor distressed the rest of the pantheon - which really irritated Dream, who didn’t want to see the same mistakes repeated by the light, as had happened in his own world. But still, neither one of them was treated with the respect and care that they deserved, particularly his beloved.

They accused Reaper of being lazy - despite the fact that he worked very hard at the job that he’d been created for, and occasionally took breaks from the bleak and awful work that he had been forced to do. They had no idea how much scarring and deeply disturbing things that his beloved saw on a daily basis… And Dream could only guess, as he knew that Reaper dealt with the darker and uglier sides of reaping dying souls, to shield Papyrus from it. He also could guess from the awful nightmares that his beloved suffered from, and Dream would do his best to wake the other up and hold him close, promising that they were both safe, and that whatever the nightmare was, that it had no true hold over him. Which usually seemed to work. After those nights, Dream would insist that Reaper take the next day off, clinging to the other or trying to make a break for the mortal realm and thus forcing Reaper to spend the day with him, lest he cause accidental but well-meaning chaos with the mortals - who had no idea what to make of him, and regarded him as some sort of new, strange healer deity.

Which was very wrong, but mortals could be very stubborn and… The gods and goddesses would also get curious about who he was and where he came from and Dream… Really didn’t want to talk about or even think about what had happened to him… What he’d barely escaped from after centuries of misery, fear and pain… Due to his own failures and inability to see what was going on correctly. He had been far too late to save Nightmare… But there was… Reaper… They were completely different, Dream knew this. But he didn’t want Reaper to fall in the same cataclysmic and painful way that his other half had, and loved Reaper fiercely and deeply. He’d do everything he could to ensure the other’s happiness, no matter what it was.

Up to and including begrudgingly getting along with his counterbalance Life. Even if he still didn’t like her for how she treats Reaper - her haughty irritation and utter inability to understand that there had to be a balance between the two of them, lest everything fall to chaos as it very nearly had before Reaper and his brother had been created in their world.

“Staring off into space again, sugar skull?” Reaper called out from directly behind him.

Dream jumped a little and spun around quickly, feeling himself blush darkly, holding the picnic basket closer to his chest, noting the other’s amused smirk “I… Maybe a little. You’re home! Welcome home, darling!” He set the picnic basket down and threw his arms around the other, pulling the taller skeleton in for a tight hug, purring softly “I missed you…”

“And I missed you too, Dream. Sorry for not being here - the mortals have been working me down to the bone. Luckily I managed to convince Pap to take a break - he doesn’t want either one of us to drop dead with exhaustion, after all.” Reaper responded with a fond smirk, hugging the positive spirit back tightly and pressing an affectionate kiss to the other’s teeth. “Are you ready to go? There’s this beautiful spot in the mortal realm that I want to show you. It’s in the middle of a thick forest, so it’s unlikely that any mortals will find us. Flowers and a field of grass. It’s also sunny and warm there, surrounded by trees. It’s… Almost as lovely as you are.”

Dream knew that his blush was intensifying, and he hid his face in one of the other’s shoulders, flustered and flattered by Reaper’s earnest compliments. “Th-thank you, Reaper. I’m ready to go and I’ve got everything packed for our picnic.”

“Wonderful… You spoil me ever so much with your delicious cooking. I just wish that I could return the favor sometime.” Reaper sighed as he teleported the both of them to one edge of the beautiful glade, floating just a little bit above the ground so that he didn’t kill the grass and flowers that covered the wild area.

Dream beamed brightly as he made his way through the glade, pausing for a moment as a couple of yellow butterflies fluttered up from the flowers, disturbed by the two of them walking through, and tilting his head a little in surprise when one came to land on his face - just above his nasal cavity, focusing on the beautiful and delicate creature “Oh!” He called out softly, delighted.

Reaper chuckled and pressed an affectionate kiss to one of his cheeks, gently taking the basket from his hands - noting that it was reinforced with magical runes that allowed him to touch things without destroying them (… They should probably find something for Dream to do when he was away from the light of his life, stars above only knew what sort of mischief the other would get up to). He set up the picnic, sitting down as soon as he carefully draped the blanket over the grass, opening the basket, delighted and curious about the food that Dream had made for him. He’d seen these dishes before, but hadn’t tried them. “I’m not surprised that you like butterflies, Dream. They’re pretty, and that one matches your eye lights.”

Dream nodded a little, moving carefully over to his beloved, unsurprised when the butterfly fluttered off of his face, landing on one of the flowers. “I do… They’re really pretty and fun to watch. They’re also less aggressive then some of the bees that would…” His eye lights dim and he looks away from Reaper as he sits down across from the other, grabbing the closed pitcher of lemonade and asking, the cheer in his voice painfully fake “N-Nevermind! Would you like some lemonade? I added strawberries, since you mentioned they were your favorite fruit when we tasted jams together a couple of months ago.”

Reaper frowned a little, wanting to ask the other what it was that was bothering him - but every time he tried, Dream just shut down completely or tried to distract him in increasingly more frantic ways before hiding from everyone for a week. He wanted to care for and support his beloved as much as Dream did for him… But if the other wouldn’t say anything willingly, there was precious little he could do, other than wait and show the other how much he loved and cared for the other. Dream was… Almost terrifyingly selfless. He gave so much of himself to everyone he met - and was always so stunned and unsure whenever anyone tried to give back - and often refused with a gentle smile and kind words. He smiled a little at the other and nodded, answering back with a gentle “Sure, beloved. It looks pretty tasty.”

Dream froze up for just a moment when he called the other beloved. Shit. Reaper had forgotten that the other reacted strangely to certain affectionate nicknames - and from what he’d asked Gerson and his father about what that might mean… Someone had hurt Dream really badly in the past. Reaper was certain of it. No one had awful nightmares like the ones that the other suffered from (even if they’d stopped being so common, the longer the two of them lived together) and was as skittish as Dream had been when he’d first come to their universe unless they’d been treated like shit. He desperately wanted to hold his beloved and beg the other to tell him who had hurt the other - convinced him that his only worth was the effect his magic had on others, and who had so badly hurt him. So he knew the name of the person he needed to hunt down and destroy utterly, so that they wouldn’t ever be able to hurt him ever again.

“I… I’m glad to hear that!” Dream murmured, his voice a little bit shaky, his hands fumbling a little with the cups he’d packed, nearly dropping the pitcher and stuttering out a quiet “I-I’m sorry!” as he accidentally spilled a bit of the lemonade on Reaper as the pitcher fell from his hands.

Reaper caught the objects with his telekinesis, making sure that the rest of the liquid went back into the pitcher “Hey… Easy… It’s okay. These things happen, darling. If there are things you’d rather I not call you, all you need do is tell me. I’m a bit of a bonehead, but I’d remember something like that, so I don’t upset you. I love you, Dream. I want to take care of you, like you take care of me. I just need to know what upsets you. I won’t ask why, I promise.”

The positive spirit hesitated for a moment before answering quietly “I… Okay. I promise to tell you the n-nicknames that I don’t like to be called…” He hesitated for a couple of moments, fidgeting with his gloves, before saying quietly, unable to look at Reaper directly “Be-beloved, Dreamy, S-starlight… Sunbeam…” Oh stars, he could hear Nightmare’s voice - corrupted and warped, layered with power that choked him and brought him to his knees. The ground an inky black, the sky a dark, horrifying red, the dust and blood on the ground, making a thick, awful mud that got everywhere. Tentacles wrapping around his body, choking him and breaking his bones as the other laughed.

“Dream? Dream it’s okay… It’s okay… It’s just you and me here. There’s no one around for miles…” A familiar voice called out to the positive spirit.

He sounded so far away and made his soul sing. A dark presence - but not warped and twisted - was close by. Why was everything so dark? Dream focused a little, blinking and realizing that he’d accidentally turned off his eye lights. Oh, no wonder he couldn’t see. A light breeze stirred the trees around them and Reaper was right in front of him, his hands pressed against something gold, looking as if he desperately wanted to come closer. Since when had the other been pushed off of the blanket? A little circle of dead grass and curled up flower petals scattered the ground. “I… Reaper…?” Dream asked absently “Why are you over there?”

“I… You accidentally activated your shield and it pushed me off of the blanket.” Reaper explained gently, his face and aura full of worry and loving concern.

His soul ached and guilt flooded him and the shield flickered briefly before vanishing entirely “I… S-Sorry Reaper, I didn’t mean to do that.”

Dream only realized he was crying a little when Reaper - who had cautiously moved towards him on his knees and reached out to gently pull him in for a hug - a gesture which he reciprocated and clung desperately to the other, trying to fight off more bad memories - gently wiped them from his face, the other’s voice low and caring “I promise, so long as I live, I will never refer to you by any of those nicknames. Especially when even saying them causes you this much pain.” There was love, care, and a fierce protectiveness radiating in his boyfriend’s emotional aura. There was also a dangerous undercurrent of anger.

Dream really didn’t want Reaper and Nightmare to meet. Ever. Just the thought of it caused the failed guardian to tremble violently and start to cry harder “I… I’m sorry… I w-wanted th-this to be a really nice d-date and I’ve r-ruined it…”

“Dream. Dream that’s not true. Yeah, I’m worried about you ‘cause you’re crying, and I want to rip the bastard who hurt you so badly that even talking about the nicknames they gave you causes you… Causes you this much pain. But you’ve held me when I’ve been all freaked out about crap that I’ve had to see in the mortal world, and you dote on me way more than I ever deserve. I’m just… Let me help you. You deserve to rest and recover, babe. I love you, and I swear, if I ever do anything to hurt you, please tell me and I’ll stop. I’ll never mean to do it on purpose.”

“I… Th-thank you f-for that, Reaper.” Dream managed out, well aware of the fact that his beloved did not make such promises lightly or easily. “And if I… If I ever do anything that upsets or hurts you, you’ll tell me, right? I don’t ever want to hurt you - accidentally or on purpose.”

Reaper nodded and smiled warmly at him, pressing a gentle kiss to his teeth “I will.” He was still very worried and wanted to go after the undeserving bastard who had so badly hurt Dream like this - but the anger wouldn’t help his boyfriend. After a moment the god of death decided that it would probably be for the best if he changed the topic of conversation. “The food looks good, love. What sort of sandwiches did you make this time?”

Dream lit up and grinned as he grabbed a couple of them telekinetically, handing one of them to Reaper “It’s got chicken and bacon in it… Lettuce and tomatoes too! I tweaked the mustard and mayo recipe, so the former should be a bit spicier, and the eggs didn’t do that weird thing where it split and became weird tasting. And I decided to make sourdough bread too!” He happily chattered about the food he’d made for his beloved, grateful to turn to a lighter topic. He’d gathered all of the ingredients - and in case of the animal products, slaughtered the animals himself, imbuing each of the part of the foods that he’d created with his magic - so that Reaper could hold it without it instantly turning into ashes. The vegetables and herbs he’d used to spice the sauces were from the small garden he was growing outside of their home in the godly realm - which again, were imbued with his magic.

Reaper took a couple of bites of the sandwich, followed by a sip of the lemonade “… This is really, really good, Dream. You spoil me waaaaay too much. Thanks.” He could tell that the other had gone to a great deal of effort to make all of this, and it really did taste incredible. He resolved to also talk to Gaster and Asgore about getting the council to let Dream do something. Even if it was just helping out in the massive library that Gerson had when they weren’t able to spend time together. The isolation wasn’t good for Dream, he was pretty sure of it. He hadn’t known that Dream had a shielding ability… He didn’t know anything about the other’s past, except for the scattered bits and pieces he’d been able to glean over the nine months that they’d known one another… But he was also fairly sure that Dream was genuinely opening up to him more. He just had to be patient. The two of them chatted about lighter topics and cuddled with one another, enjoying the peaceful and warm day together.

#good things happen bingo #reaper!sans #dream #reaper x dream #death x dream #choking ment #traumatic flashback #implied past abusive relationship tw #my writing

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kopfkinoes · 6 years

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I’ve been a Naruto fan for like 13 years now but after the manga ended I pretty much left the fandom because I anticipated the vitriol that was going to follow after the ending. Every once in a while I stumbled upon a Naruto post that made me realize I had been right and I didn’t interact. But at the end of 2017 I came back and…nothing has changed. I honestly think this is one of the worst, most immature fandoms out there. I feel like so many of the people in the fandom are perpetual twelve year olds. And it kind of bothers me that Sasuke and Sakura, my absolute favourites since day one, are still disrespected as fuck. Now, mind you, I’m not talking about the ship, I’m talking about them as individual characters although I do ship them. I’ve multishipped for a long, long time but not anymore.

They are the first ones I shipped because I had a feeling stuff was bound to happen between them but then I discovered the wonders of the web and instantly moved to ship Naruto and Sasuke. I never once hated Sakura and Hinata though and even in the later years when “feminist” rhetoric moved into fandoms, I took the “these women are strong and powerful and I love them, they don’t need no man” thing to be good. But after the ending, and now seeing how many of the people who ship Naruto and Sasuke are downright anti-Sakura and insult and disrespect her in so many ways I realized “Wow! I had been an idiot all along. These people never gave a shit about Sakura, they were saying all of that stuff to get her out of the way.” I don’t see people talking about how Naruto and Sasuke’s bond diminishes their battle abilities, I see none of the shippers implying that their development would be flushed down the drain if they ended up in a relationship. Yet, that is apparently true for the women. Right.

Sasuke is a character with a lot of potential. But he was never able to evolve. And do you know why? Because of Naruto. Sasuke was created in order to be the opposite of Naruto and, for the most part, that is all remains to be. I’ve been staning Sasuke forever but this is the truth. He exists in order to be Naruto’s rival and in order to be pissed that he, a guy coming from a clan of prodigies, keeps falling behind the class clown and loser (who is anything but that when you think of it, Minato was anything but a weak guy and Kushina, while we don’t get a good look at her abilities, has loads of stamina and healing powers and her abilities were considered exceptional even among the Uzumaki, not to mention how easily Naruto masters everything new he tries). In the end, he is subdued by Naruto and the Will of Fire.

Even after all of this, he is still not allowed to be around his family. Why? Simply because he needs to be the opposite of Naruto. He needed to point a sword at his own daughter and it was Naruto who had to comfort and reassure her. Sasuke will never be an overly affectionate person, I don’t think he will ever realistically go back to his pre-massacre personality (he wasn’t exactly super bubbly as a child either, he was reserved around other people but very happy around his family) and frankly, he doesn’t need to. He wouldn’t ever be a husband who does grand romantic gestures or a super cuddly father but he’s loyal and devoted and these things shouldn’t be brushed away for some mission or for creating angst just to prove that Naruto is a better, more understanding person that he’ll ever be, even when it comes to Sarada. Like, for fuck’s sake, does everything Sasuke does need to happen right before Naruto waltzes in and puts him in his place by being a better person? Can Sasuke not be a person in his own right without the constant comparisons to Naruto?

What I also find interesting is how often I see Sasuke becoming completely OOC when paired with Naruto. Of course everybody says Sasuke is OOC when paired with Sakura but frankly I’ve rarely seen Sasuke presented as lovey dovey around Sakura, people usually want him to be proud of her but he stays his usual tepid self. Because that’s Sasuke’s personality, he’s not a conventionally affectionate person and there’s nothing wrong with that. That’s why it bothers me when I see Sasuke made to be a soft, sensitive, pastel boy aesthetic. He’s not that and he wouldn’t be that even if he were gay. I mean, I understand headcanons but don’t root them in the “seme and uke” dynamics, please.

Moving on, I have a particular kind of contempt for people suggesting Sasuke cheated on Sakura with Karin. It makes absolutely no sense character-wise and it just shits all over Sasuke by assuming he’s a disgusting fucker who would cheat. Are you telling me that the dude who didn’t even consider taking advantage of even a single one of the girls who were fawning over him would have a face-heel turn and cheat? Yeah, right. I don’t understand how you can call yourself a Sasuke fan and genuinely support cheating. Why would Sasuke wait to be with Sakura in order to have sex with Karin when he and Karin had so many opportunities to bang prior to this while they were travelling together as a team? Why would he have a child with Karin and just dump the child on Sakura’s head? I don’t even want to hear superiority arguments that go along the lines of “Karin is an Uzumaki so she has superior genes compared to Sakura who doesn’t come from a clan” because…arguments like these are disgusting. I don’t think it was ever even slightly implied that Sasuke (or the Uchiha for that matter) held beliefs like this. If anything, these guys didn’t like being othered and set apart from the rest of the village. I don’t think Sasuke ever implied that he believes some vaginas are not genetically pure enough for him to get into so please don’t put these shitty beliefs on him. Sasuke was described as “pure”. It’s simply the way he is. I really don’t care that you think he’s not a “True Hetero Guy” unless he cheats and/or has sex with loads of women.

I always see people saying fans who ship Sasuke and Sakura are “disgusted” by the thought of Sasuke having sex with someone else. But do you know how many people I’ve seen saying how grossed out Sasuke must be by being around pussy (specifically Sakura’s) and how he probably cries and is traumatized by the experience? I’ve yet to see people talking about how Sasuke must be super disgusted by dick.

Moving on to Sakura, pretty much 100% of the vitriol I’ve seen thrown at her comes from misogyny. People always like to say it’s not misogyny and yet it always is. It comes from Kishimoto himself and his ideas of women. He constantly described Sakura as “not cute” and “a hard woman”. And it’s true, Sakura’s not demure or submissive and doesn’t appear to be very suited for domesticity. I don’t believe that just because she is loud and outspoken she would make a dreadful wife and mother. She was very shy as a child (mostly because she was insecure) but she grew into herself. About her not being cute, I’d say that’s debatable. Kishimoto said she’s not cute in the beginning and I see a lot of haters talking about “that ugly bitch Sakura” but let me tell you this, Naruto and Rock Lee had pretty intense crushes on her and Jiraiya compared her appearance to Tsunade’s (although the man’s trash when it comes to women but you get my point). What do people base their opinions on when they say she’s ugly? On her exaggerated anger expressions? Because Sakura is not drawn as prettier or uglier than any of the other female characters. Is it based on the fact that people love to bring up time and time again, that she doesn’t have big breasts? Yeah, she doesn’t have breasts as big as Tsunade’s or Hinata’s or even Ino’s but what does that have to do with anything? Nope, this is rooted in misogyny because, just like in real life, when you don’t like a woman you insult her based on her body and appearance because you believe that’s where all the worth of a woman is. Besides, don’t you think there something wrong with focusing so much on the body type of a girl aged 12 to 17? Because I think there is.

I always feel like laughing at people who call her stupid because Sakura is a nerd. This is why she was paired with the more battle prone Naruto and Sasuke because she was too much brains and not enough brawn. I know that it was Ino, Shino and Sasuke that graduated top of the class but, according to the Databooks, none of them beat Sakura in intelligence, she is equal to Shino and higher than Ino and Sasuke. People love to say that her being able to do the written part of the Chunin Exam all by herself doesn’t prove that she’s actually smart, buddy, it does. The fact that she’s smart doesn’t make the rest of the students who cheated idiots. That was the point of the test, the questions were too difficult for 12 year old genin to answer. The fact that Sakura could, however, isn’t bullshit. You wouldn’t call an exceptionally gifted kid who can answer really advanced academic questions “not that smart really, it doesn’t prove anything”. Freaking Sasuke commented on her analytical abilities, she’s an extremely skilled med-nin, she is able to put pieces of information she’s previously learnt together in order to form a present opinion, her hobbies are trivia games and memorizing medical ninjutsu material for God’s sake.

I definitely don’t think comparing her to Hinata achieves anything. Hinata does represent the ideas Kishimoto seems to have about women. She is soft-spoken, she is never confrontational, she never wants to offend anybody. Sure, Hinata also has her insecurities and doesn’t place much value on herself (we have her father to thank for that) but even after getting out of that shell and discovering she has some iron at her core, she is still mostly soft. That’s not a bad thing at all, it’s simply who she is as a person and it doesn’t make her better or worse than Sakura. I know that Sakura fans have always been bullied online, from forums to YouTube to tumblr to any other comment section of blogs and stuff, people have always thrown shit at Sakura, saying she’s useless, a whore, an idiot. The amount of times I’ve seen people wish violent, horrible deaths on Sakura (for the sole reason that she didn’t spread her legs for Naruto being the catalyst in pretty much 100% of the cases) is immense. The amount of times I’ve seen people wishing Hinata would kill Sakura “for what she did to Naruto” is huge. So based on this, I understand why Sakura fans feel the need to get defensive. I don’t agree with putting Hinata down but I understand why some people might do it. I’ll never put down someone’s fav (especially when the fav is as unproblematic as Hinata who honestly did nothing wrong) but I definitely understand why some people will do it.

Naruto is a shonen, battle manga. We will never get 100% healthy relationships in this because the manga is not focused on romance. It is why the relationships between Sasuke and Sakura and Naruto and Hinata were not greatly developed and why there was an overemphasis on Naruto and Sasuke’s bond which is basically “we’re forever competing to see who’s better”. Kishimoto based it on his relationship with his brother but I’m pretty sure he took it up to eleven in the manga. Because Naruto is a manga for whom the target audience is boys, female characters will never be 100% appreciated. Most of the boys watching identify with the downtrodden outcast, guys such as Lee or Naruto. It’s a thing, associated with the stereotype of the Western man who watches anime, a stereotype that is proved to be correct in most cases, sadly. How many of these guys think they’re gems, that they’re precious souls to have around and girls just don’t see them for what they are? Both Naruto and Lee are very loved among male fans and they are both rejected by Sakura. (I could also say something about the stereotypes Western anime watching men place on Japanese women, namely “the pliant, submissive wife, who would do house chores all day, would never say no to sex and worship them as the much better versions of Japanese men that they are” but I’m not going there.) Never cruelly though, she remains friendly with both of them. Her bond with Naruto is very strong and they’re actually a pretty rare example of a good male and female friendship (the violence that is played for laughs doesn’t really mean much to me).

However, for the male fans that is never enough. How many times did I see stuff like “She chose Sasuke although Naruto never left the village” or “Naruto did so many things for her yet she still chose Sasuke”. Dude, there was never a competition. Sakura loves Sasuke, plain and simple. You can disagree with that if you want, you can disagree with how she expresses her love for him but there was never competition. Sakura has always loved Sasuke, what she feels for him is true love. Many people don’t believe it exists but it is what it is. I find it funny (and by funny I mean idiotic to the heavens) that people always say her development was crushed because she didn’t give up on Sasuke but Naruto’s was improved by not giving up on Sasuke. This is bias and misogyny at its finest. Sasuke is not just a crush to Sakura. People always want to say Sakura was a fangirl to Sasuke and nothing more and that she simply needed to get over her obsessive crush. She wouldn’t have said all she wanted was for him to acknowledge her if he were just a crush, she wouldn’t have suffered so badly over him. Many of the village girls had a thing for Sasuke and I doubt all of them cried over Sasuke at night after he left. Only Sakura anticipated when he was going to leave. People always say that Sakura maturing would have meant her understanding that her and Sasuke are just not meant to be a thing. The thing is, she wasn’t holding on to the idea that her and Sasuke would be “a thing”. Kakashi made it pretty clear (to Sasuke and to all fans who just can’t get it in their heads) that Sakura only wanted to help him, not to get into his pants.

People are also super quick to judge the relationship between Sasuke and Sakura as abusive. Why though? All the times they were violent towards each other (and there weren’t even that many times) they weren’t dating, they were combatants on opposite sides of battle. There is nobody in this series that Sasuke is more violent towards than Naruto and yet I never see this relationship classified as abusive, instead it is considered romantic and heartfelt that he wanted to sever his bonds with Naruto in order to make a martyr out of himself and be consumed by darkness. Like, yeah, that’s super healthy. I see the same thing being said with Karin, that Sasuke impaled her simply because he wanted to cut all of his bonds, not because he actually wanted to kill her. Which is…stupid to say the least. Like, cool story, still murder. He knew that impaling her would result in killing her but damn, was he willing to make that sacrifice. The reasons why Sasuke wanted to murder the people in his life are not important. In truth, all the murder he wanted to commit was because people were getting in the way of killing Itachi and, after killing Itachi, people were getting in the way of his goal to be completely alone in order to destroy/reform Konoha. Sasuke is not a psychopath who murders for fun but that doesn’t mean he was in a good place.

I shipped Sasuke with Karin but I never saw their bond as overly emotional or true love. I’m not saying Karin doesn’t care about him but I do think her feelings for him are more in the realm of sexual than the romantic. She does care for his well-being, she wants him to be happy, she is impressed by him and wants to be around him but it’s not romantic. Does she suffer when she thinks he’s dead? Naturally. Because she cares about him and she does love him but, again, not romantically. Karin’s sexual feelings for Sasuke are not bad, they don’t make her a whore or whatever. But it’s quite silly in my opinion to mistake them for some sort of pure, true love. They’re not that and it’s fine that they’re not. We see Sakura wanting to be alone with Sasuke but she never thinks of how she’s so excited she can barely stand it and how she wants to “ravage Sasuke like crazy”. We don’t see Sakura’s reaction, upon seeing Sasuke arrive on the battlefield to be “I want to lick Sasuke all over right now”.

People always like to remind everyone that Sakura ended her friendship with Ino over Sasuke. However, we never see Sakura and Ino be hostile to each other. Compare their rivalry to the one between Sasuke and Naruto to understand what I’m saying. They had a mild dislike going on but we see them quickly overcome it in the Chunin Exams. Sakura and Ino never really gave up on their friendship, their rivalry was mostly played for laughs, I never took it seriously because I don’t think it was presented in a way that was saying “you need to take this seriously, this is the real deal”. Mostly because it dealt with who has prettier hair and who can get the seat next to Sasuke first. Nope, not serious.

Back to Hinata, this is the reason why so many of the fanboys prefer her. Look at the opinions Shikamaru, another character the fanboys adore, has about women. He is downright misogynistic but that gets overlooked in fandom time after time because of his 200 IQ. Instead, I see people saying it is Sasuke who hates women when there is no indication of that, except, you know, people who think he’s gay and because he’s gay he MUST hate all women and consider them absolutely gross (except for the, sometimes OC, self-insert in fanfiction). Just like his father, Shikamaru has this thing that women should be sweet, soft and tender not headstrong, demanding and even harsh (women like his mother, Yoshino, Ino, Temari, Tayuya). He hates receiving help from women, he is frustrated when he has to fight women. He sums up his views of women himself by saying “C'mon. You know what they’re like. You can never figure them out. You never know where you could stand with them. The smallest things could put you in their bad side. Always playing little mind games with you. Trying to make you do what they want. They’re just a big pain basically.”

For the most part, many fans linked Sakura to Kushina because of her fiery personality. Minato kinda sealed this comparison when saying Sakura reminded him of Kushina. So a lot of people, while calling Sakura an ugly bitch and a whore who needs to be raped and die, still wanted her for Naruto and believed she will ultimately change her mind and go for Naruto. Personally, I don’t care about that because so many characters in Naruto are carbon copies of people who came before them, enough similarities are enough. This idea that a guy should marry a woman just like his mother is weird for many reasons to me. It’s only men that have unhealthy relationships with their mothers that want a woman exactly like their mothers. Then the ending came so Hinata, being the embodiment of what a woman “should be” became more appropriate for Naruto in the eyes of so many fans. The fact that she fits these patterns doesn’t take away or add to Hinata’s character in any way. It just is. However, fanboys will use it in a sexist way. I definitely don’t agree with the criticism for Hinata that it’s wrong her motivation for becoming strong is Naruto. The motivation of pretty much all characters in becoming stronger is in order to protect others and there's nothing wrong with wanting to improve yourself because you feel that would put you on more equal grounds with the one you love. This manga places great value on the power of unity and community and people who seek power for power’s sake, for revenge or for evil don’t do well. They are either defeated or they change their minds. Great emphasis is placed on the “you only become strong when you have someone you need to protect” mentality. And women are allowed to make connections in this life, they don’t have to live “lone wolf” lives in order to be “truly strong”. Loneliness is an enemy in and of itself in Naruto.

Kishimoto’s views on women are not necessarily progressive but they’re not exactly bad in my opinion. It all has to do with how fanboys twist his ideas and make them bad. Because I don’t think he ever blamed Sakura for not hooking up with Naruto. I know there are people who believe that he’s holding onto the belief that people (and women especially) must forever be with their first love. I think it just so happens that Naruto and Sasuke were Hinata’s and Sakura’s first loves but, more important, they are their true loves. Ino moved on and I see people saying she shouldn’t have. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t I guess. To sum up, I’ve yet to see dislike for Sakura that’s not misogynistic. I’m not even talking about people who think she’s weak. She is the only one who’s not from a clan and yet she managed to surpass Tsunade, a Sannin. She was impaled by Madara and shook it off immediately, she saved Naruto’s, Kankuro’s, Hinata’s and Karin’s lives, she saved Sasuke from an infinte desert, she saved Obito from a sea of acid, she punched an alien all-powerful goddess in the face.

People saying shipping Sakura and Hinata with the guys they’re canonically in love with proves their fans are selfish because they just want them to look cute next to Sasuke and Naruto amuse me. That if you really cared about them you’d ship them with guys who “actually” care about them like Lee or Kiba or whatever. Dude, people love who they love. And a woman has no obligation to be with a man who was friendly and nice to her, not even a man who has a crush on her if she’s not attracted to him or doesn’t love him.

#my post #not even going to tag this because not only am i not trying to start a fight i don't want any #these are simply my thoughts #i never thought i'd be this involved in this fandom in my 20s #mind you i don't think either of these relationships are abusive #like i said this is a battle manga with battle situations #combatants fight it's the way it is #but if you're gonna consider one abusive based on standards you made up #might as well not be a hypocrite and consider all ships abusive #even the ones you like #honestly all the pseudo arguments i've read are baseless #just admit you don't like certain ships and move on #no need to give justification #because you're tying yourself in knots and just soundind like a jerk

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sini-sterility · 7 years

Text

Y’all finally get my backstory now.

@weaponizedhorse I FINISHED FINALLY

Alright motherfuckers, you asked for it; you're gonna fucking get it. You've finally unlocked Sini's tragic backstory.

Let's begin with the childhood depression due to intense emotion abuse and manipulation, causing me to try to kill myself, not once, but twice before the age of ten. However, it seems that my body liked the idea, because within two months of turning ten, my legs began to go numb, and I would experience random pain. I told the nurse at school; she didn't believe me. Stir this mixture of reckless negligence and bitchy old-lady nurse until two years have passed, and I am now completely paralyzed in constant literal agony 24/7, to the extent of not being able to sleep, stand, sit, lounge; you name it.

I wasn't nauseus, but the pain was so horrible that I would fake getting sick every day in order to stay home and not face the ridicule the least liked person in my entire school (I am honestly not exagerrating. I got into my school's spelling bee, and was the last 6th grader standing. They called your name, you stood up, waved to the crowd, and they cheered. They got to me, and I shit you not, less than 1/5th of the 6th grade class, none of the other students, and three teachers clapped, and that was as good as I got. Maybe I was annoying or something, I don't know. I was a very, very quiet kid, so I actually don't know what their deal was; there were much uglier people there than me, too) would get from acting like they can't feel their limbs or stand up, or be constantly hunched over in pain.

So I'd stay home with my dad and watch old cowboy shows, trying to ignore the pain. I remember how we treated it was Icy-Hot and a fuck-ton of Ibuprofen.

Eventually, my bullshit quack of a doctor finally clued in that, no, I was not just suffering from a particularly bad UTI. She actually fucking told us that I had a UTI. Because UTI's are reknown for causing pain so bad you literally can't think straight.

So, one day, a week after my 12th birthday (which was the saddest shit you've ever heard of; my mom made my favorite cake and my favorite food (Flan Cake and Chicken Curry), my Godmother was there with a bunch of books, I had a few really cool presents; my sister Shirley even got me a hair straightener at Goodwill, because I'd finally learned that thick curly hair with the mind of it's own (that mind being one of a psychopath) didn't stand a chance against hot iron. They sang happy birthday to me, and I remember that after they finished, I just put my head down on the table in cried. It was the single saddest moment of my life, aside from April (which is another can of worms all together, and very few people know about it).

Anyway, a few days after my mom took me to the doctor, and at this point I had given up on trying to present any semblence of an ability to walk or feel anything at all, so I was in a wheelchair. The doctor saw how much pain I was in (fucking finally), and that I truly felt no sensation anywhere, and immediately sent me to a Neurologist in Indy.

We got there an hour later, and the Neurologist took one look and ordered an emergency MRI – that turned out to be a very traumatizing experience, as the even more amplified pain (metal + back issues of the highest caliber + loud noises + bright flashing lights = Literal torture. To this day I can't go in MRI machines without being knocked out (But I secretly love it because I get to play a little game I like to call 'Resist'. It's basically the game they have you do where you count up to or down from 100, only you ask the Anesthesiologist to push the anesthetic in as slowly as possible, and start counting. When you start to feel it kicking in, you count as fast as possible. My record is 128 bitches <3).

They were only able to get 15 minutes of an MRI with me, before the panic and pain were too much for me and I started convulsing. After that, they checked me into the hospital overnight while they went over the results.

You know that shit's bad when the next day the ICU Oncologist comes in at 7 am the next morning to tell your mom that you need emergency surgery right away, but don't tell you why.

It turned out that I had stage 4 (better known as terminal) Neuroblastoma. There were three main problematic tumors; one that was slung over my left shoulder and attached to the upper left lobe of my lung (bigass motherfucker holy shit it was enormous. They had to cut out a piece of my lung to get ride of (most) it.), one the size of a softball pressing on my brain, just above the temple (They drilled my skull open, and scooped it off my scalp like a blob of strawberry preserves, which is what it looks like anyway btw. They were nice enough to honor a request I made, and take a picture of the tumor. BUT THEY DIDN'T FUCKING SEND IT TO ME, THEY SENT IT TO MY DAD VIA TEXT, AND WE ENDED UP LOSING THE DAMN THING >:O), and then the worst one; the mac daddy of Neuroblastoma tumors.

It was a long, thick, malignant tumor that had infused itself with my spine, and was subsequently cutting off my spinal cord – thus causing all of the pain and the paralysis and numbness. It gave me a hella sweet scar though, shit looks like a zipper along my spine!

After they removed what they could of the spinal tumor (which still to this day causes me a great deal of pain. I'm on 10 mgs of Oxycodine up to 6 times a day, and more often than not I need 7 pills in one day.), they told my parents that I had maybe two months to live. That they were going to send me home with them with a car full of all the medical supplies they could spare us, and that I was going to be very dead, very soon.

Needless to say, everyone was shocked when the third month rolled around and I was still alive – and learning how to walk again. It's taken me 6 years to be able to walk up and down stairs, and depending on the treatment or how long they keep me in the hospital, I occasionally still need my walker. (Sparkly red thing with little stickers all over it. I think we gave it to my grandma, but I'm not sure?) They upped my prognosis to 6 months and then it would be all over, but by then Obamacare went into effect, and that got the ball rolling for CHIPS, and that little thing that so many Americans hate because they “don't want to pay for a stranger's abortions!” (actual reason I was given once. I know that there are real reasons, but I still am okay with paying a little bit extra each month so that another kid who's like I was six years ago today, might have a chance to beat the odds in an overwhelming way. Again, that's just me, and I'm probably over simplifying the matter.), is most likely the main reason I'm still alive.

See, because I was accepted into two (or maybe three, I'm not sure?) forms of health insurance because of the Obamacare plan, I was able to begin treatments within almost a month of diagnosis. After four months passed, they began to fit and train me to use a wheelchair at home, as it was an impossibility that I would ever walk again (or use fine motor control for that matter).

Two months after that, just six months after being told I was already dead; six months of hellish PT and OT; six months of taking chemo and painkillers and throwing up blood – and I fucking walked out of that God forsaken hospital with my walker and my family.

That was six years ago. My body is still healing, and I've had plenty of physical and psychological horrors since ( ie. Kathleen aka 'The ex that raped me last year', my mother becoming even more abusive towards me, to the point of egging me on in cutting myself, and losing most of my cats because they were outdoor and we weren't around enough for most of them to want to stay, for starters. Fortunately, the one that did stay was my kitty, Alice. She moved into my current house with my dad and I after my dad won sole custody of me during their divorce (those two NEVER should have gotten married, they hate each other so fucking much.), and she's been a driving force in my will to live and fight ever since. The week she went missing was the most miserable week of my life.) the beginning, but I've got something I never had as a child now; a will to live. A reason to live. It's honestly the reason I still believe in God, as twisted as that sounds. I had actually been begging God to just kill me and get it over with in the weeks leading up to my diagnosis, and though it seems like being told you have terminal (which, just incase some of you guys don't know this, does not actually mean that you're totally deadsies; it means that there are no approved treatments or treatments that are proven to be effective, so you have the two options of going home or staying in the hospital while they make you as comfortable as possible as you wait to die a slow, horrible death of cancer; or you subject yourself to potentially deadly, painful, and horrible experimental trials to try and find a cure for yourself and others like you. Guess which one I picked! Ahh, the stories I could tell you... I'd be willing to write another one of these if anyone is interested in my hospital horror stories.) cancer would be your answer in the affirmatory. But for some reason, that's not how I took it. I took it as a sign that I'm supposed to live, at least for as long as I'm needed to do something to make the world better. It sounds crazy; superstitious; egomaniacal to say this, but when I think about everything I've been through, the multiple attempts at killing myself yet living through each time, and the overwhelming feeling I got when I was told I was as good as dead, but I honestly feel like I'm supposed to do something big, even mildly so. I don't know what, but that thought drives me every day to quite literally be that change that I want to see in the world.

I haven't made a suicide attempt ever since diagnosis; I rarely try or succeed to hurt myself anymore, and when I get in that state, my first move is to call up my sister Lilly, or talk to @typical-atheist-scumbag, or even talk to my dad nowadays, rather than just go ahead and grab a razor blade. I'm entirely about absolution and forgiveness as long as a person is genuine, and I try to be as passive and understanding – yet not quite neutral – to other people's beliefs as I possible can be. I stretch myself thin trying to help other people, but I honestly feel all the better for it.

This lovely little “inspirational” (*eyes roll into the back of my head*) piece isn't even half of it, but it's the major stuff. I included that bit at the end to show that even though I've had a pretty bullshit lot in life, I absolutely refuse to let it kick me down.

You may laugh at how stupid and pretentious I sound now.

#inspirational #Sini's Backstory #Cancer #Neuroblastoma #Religion #Religious #Christian #Lutheran #Self harm #Self-Harm #tw #abuse #rape #mental abuse #mental disorder #terminal cancer

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artificialqueens · 7 years

Text

It's all about Barbie - Chapter 2 (Trixya) - Djoodi

A/N: Hey guys, I’m back with the second chapter! Thanks for all the positive comments! I’m so happy you guys like it :) If you didn’t read chapter one, here it is: http://artificialqueens.tumblr.com/post/156474539024/its-all-about-barbie-chapter-1-trixya-djoodi

Hope you guys enjoy it! Thanks for reading, and sorry if I made any mistakes :)

Trixie arrived work with a cup of coffee on her hands and her pink heart-shaped sunglasses on. Trixie had so much pink in her life that sometimes her friends - and ever herself - asked themselves if she wasn’t related to Kitten Kay Sera, that woman from TLC’s ’My Crazy Obsession’ who lived life with everything pink.

She saw that Violet was already there and smiled at her, before quickly going to the employees lockers to let her stuff there. Her face was beautifully painted with the classic ‘Trixie Face’ which was consisted basically in very geometric winged eyeliner that complimented her sky-blue eyes, harsh contour and pink lipstick covering her huge lips. She really looked like a real life Barbie Doll.

Violet looked like Burlesque dancers from the 50’s. She could rock anything with that attitude and her tiny little waist, even the simple MAC uniform which was a black shirt and leggings. Trixie, on the other hand, said herself that the uniform didn’t match her 'Barbie Doll Fantasy’ aesthetic, although it really accentuated her curves very well.

“Tell me how it was!” the blonde girl asked, as soon as she arrived on the counter.

“Oh, it was quite nice.” Violet smiled “Jamie said that she knew it already. Like, not 100% sure, but she had always suspected. She said she was happy that I told her the truth and asked me if Pearl was my girlfriend or not.”

Violet took care of her sister since she was eighteen. She was going to college in Boston and her parents thought it was a great idea for her to take her nine year-old sister with her to study there, since they were both too busy working and didn’t care to raise their daughters. At first, Violet thought it was a crazy and selfish idea, but then she realized that it would be much more traumatic for her sister to live with her problematic rich parents in Atlanta, so she basically was the one who raised Jamie.

“And what did you answer?” Trixie smirked, watching the purple haired girl roll her eyes.

“That we are not, bitch.” Violet got her hair in a ponytail.

“Why?!” the blonde gasped.

“Because we are not. At least not yet.” she winked “Anyways, you’re coming to Pearl’s party on Friday, yeah? I’ll kick your butt if you don’t."

When Trixie met Pearl on Tinder, they automatically clicked. They knew from the moment they started talking to each other live that it wouldn’t work out as a relationship, neither as just sex. So, as they started becoming friends, Trixie ended up introducing Pearl to her other friends, including Violet. Since that, the two girls started this 'casual sex’ kind of relationship, although everyone thought they should definitely date.

"Of course I’m going, bitch. She’s one of my best friends.” the blonde answered “I just don’t know what I’m going to do with Barbie.”

“Why don’t you let her with Kyle?” the other girl asked, putting some cotton swabs for the costumers to wipe something if they needed too.

“Because Kyle is a dick.” Trixie arranged one of the lipsticks “Yesterday when I saw those five missing calls from him he said that ’I wasn’t doing what we agreed with’ and that ’He wasn’t prepared to stay twenty minutes more with Barbie’, well, fuck him! And you know what else? He left Barbie in the park before I arrived! Alone!”

“Wait, what? He can’t do that, no way. She’s a child, Trixie!” Violet replied “Why did he do it?!”

“He said that he had something to do, I don’t fucking go into details when speaking with Kyle, plus he hung up.” the girl gesticulated while explaining “Thankfully a friend of her from school, Melanie, was there.”

“And her hot babysitter was there too.” Trixje though about adding, but decided it was still early to say anything about the Katya situation to anyone who wasn’t Kim.

Trixie was surprised earlier by the friendship request on Facebook she had got from Katya. She didn’t know how the girl found her, although she was fully aware that she had, in fact, told the Russian her full name. At least that meant something… Right? She didn’t knew.

“What are you going to give Pearl?” the blonde asked “I think I’m giving her a vinyl.”

“That’s cool. I’m thinking of something more…” Violet was interrupted by Trixie.

“Girlfriendish?” she raised an eyebrow.

“Oh, fuck off, Tracy.” she answered, and Trixie cackled “Let’s fucking work, the store is opening in two minutes.”

So they spent the rest of their shifts doing little jokes when there was no one to paint, and also telling the clients about what products were they using on their faces, and helping them to find the right shade of concealer. Trixie liked her job.

***

Katya looked at her watch, waiting for the other woman. When she went to pick up Melanie at school, she had not seen Barbie, which made her assume that the little girl was already in the park with her mother. But, when she arrived, there was no sign of Trixie or Barbara.

“She is probably on the traffic or something. Her dad picks her up in a car.” Melanie explained, as Katya did two buns in the ginger’s hair “Are you making me look like Pucca again?”

“Why, do you prefer Princess Leia?” the Russian asked.

“No, that’s fine.” the young girl giggled “Look, they are coming!” she pointed at the two blondes holding hands, walking in their direction.

“Fuck!…” Katya almost messed up all the work she had done in Mel’s hair, but fixed it.

“My mom told you not to swear in front of me, Kathy.” Melanie teased, because she knew it was the nickname her mother called her friend. She was a younger Ginger, for sure.

“Tell her that she was the one who basically taught me how to swear, Ginger 2.0.” she said, finishing before Trixie and Barbie arrived “Well, hello there.”

“Hey, Barbie’s mom.” Melanie smiled, and grabbed her friend’s hand “C'mon, let’s play!"

"Be careful, honey!” Trixie yelled before the girls started playing “Oh gosh… I mean, hi! How are you doing?”

“Good! I saw you added me back on Facebook. I saw your little tutorials, you are really talented!” Katya said, moving so Trixie could sit next to her “I mean, not that I spent time stalking you. Not at all. That would be creepy.”

“Relax, I wouldn’t mind if you did. I know I’m amazing.” Trixie theatrically flicked her hair over her shoulder, making Katya laugh “I kind of saw your page too, and noticed that you do have problems with patterns."

"It’s called high-fashion, darling, you wouldn’t understand.” the Russian faked a Valley Girl accent, making Trixie wheeze “But I’m dressed kind of basic today, huh. We are both kind of looking the same to be honest. Like, black legging and a shirt. Although your shirt is all black.”

“Yeah, I’m still in my uniform. I work at the MAC counter at Macy’s.” Trixie made a bun out of her her big blonde hair “What the hell is written on this shirt you are wearing? I can’t read it, the font size is too small."

"Oh, it’s just the entire "Bee Movie” script, you know.“ the Russian tried to say it seriously, but she couldn’t help but laugh at Trixie’s surprised face "You didn’t like it?”

“The question is: why?” the younger woman giggled, making Katya laugh even more, but then she just gasped “Oh. My. God.”

“What’s wrong?” the older asked, actually worried.

“Please don’t tell me those are crocs that you are wearing.” Trixie pointed at the baby blue shoe that the Russian was wearing.

“What? They are super comfy! And I even put those little charms on them, the woman in the store said that they were called Jibbitz, I guess.” the woman picked one of them up “This one has this 'unicorn cat’ or some shit like that from ’The Lego Movie’, Spiderman, and the lesbian ’My Little Pony’. And the other one” she picked the crocs up “has this cool butterfly, the hand Mickey Mouse uses to jerk off, and this pink tiger. I don’t know who the fuck is he, but he looks like he’s having a great time."

"First of all: the lesbian ’My Little Pony’ has a name, and it is Rainbow Dash.” the woman explained “And second of all: crocs are fucking ugly. They are, like, the most ugly shoe ever. The other shoes are ashamed of crocs."

"Fuck off, toe shoes are way uglier than crocs. Plus, I’m sure your opinion would change if you saw me in nothing but them.” she smirked, lifting on leg up and saw the other blush “Too soon? Sorry.”

“You are gross.” Trixie joked, faking a grossed face, and the Russian cackled.

“I’m just wearing them because I went to yoga today, though. That’s why I’m wearing these clothes. You saw on Facebook how I prefer to dress up, so this is just for especial occasions, I must say. I also don’t really like wearing my hair in a ponytail, I feel like a fucking cheerleader or something.”

“So you like yoga?"

"Totally! I used to be a gymnastic back in Russia, but there was this crazy twist of fate and now I’m just here looking for a job as a yoga teacher. I’m flexible as hell.” Katya answered, and her phone ringed “Ops, just the second, it’s Ginger.”

“That’s fine.” Trixie smiled.

“Hey, Ging. Yeah, it was fun!” she gesticulated a lot more while talking on the phone “I’m at the park right now. Shut up, cunt. Yay, finally a day that I won’t have to take fucking Melanie off the couch! Do you want to talk to her? Fine, gimme a second. Melanie!” Katya screamed to the girl who was upside down on a play structure.

“Yes?” she asked.

“Come here, Ginger wants to talk to you!” the girl immediately ran towards Katya and stole her phone “Alright then.”

“Is she working?” Trixie asked, and the other nodded.

“Yep. She works a lot, so this kid always ends up sleeping on the couch waiting for her. But she will come home earlier today, which is really cool."

"That’s sweet.” the younger blonde smiled, tenderly.

“Hey, uh, I wanted to ask you something, you know."

"Yes?"

"Do you want, like, to go out or something? We could lunch or, I don’t know.” Katya asked, and Trixie gave her a big smile.

“This would be amazing!” she answered “We can go out tomorrow, if you want to. My lunch break is at 12:30 until 1:00pm. We could eat something at the Mall, what do you think?”

“Great! Do you have any preferences?”

“I’m simple. I just don’t eat meat, and that’s all. The MAC counter is at Macy’s second floor, one of the firsts counters.” Trixie said, picking up her phone that was inside her purse “Here, add your number.”

The Russian woman typed fast, and they saw little Barbie coming towards them. As Melanie ended the call with Ginger, she gave Katya’s phone back.

“Let’s go, mom said she will be home at any minute!” the girl grabbed Katya’s hand and pulled her from the chair “Goodbye, Barbie, see you tomorrow!”

“Bye!” the blonde girl waved.

“I’ll text you later!” Trixie laughed at the Russian being pulled by the six-year-old.

She looked at her phone and saw the name ’Melanie’s hot babysitter Katya Zamo’ and shook her head while giggling.

“What’s up?” Barbie asked, holding her mom’s hand.

“Nothing, sweetie. Hey, tell me about your day!” she smiled, walking towards the place she had parked her car. It was basically at the other side of the park, so they had a long ride.

“Oh, it was just normal, you know.” the young girl walked around a water puddle.

“Well, what do you mean by ’normal’?” Trixie asked.

“I mean, we drew a lot. And played some games, too.” the girl seemed distracted by the ducks she saw in the lake “I ate my lunch and we drew some more after that, and the teacher told us a story. And then dad picked me up. How was your day?”

“Normal too. Sold a lot of MAC’s new highlighter and some liquid lipsticks too. And did a lot of girl’s makeup.” Trixie answered, and thought it was a good opportunity to bring something up “Violet said she told her younger sister she likes girls. What do you think about that?”

“Why wouldn’t she like girls?” Barbie asked, like it was the most obvious thing in the universe “They are half of the population of the world, I think. And they are really nice! I like girls too."

"No, honey.” she laughed at the innocence of her daughter “She loves girls. Like… Like Barbie loves Ken, do you get it?”

“Just like you! Now I got it. I think is fine. If girls love her back, it is even better.” Barbie answered.

“Oh. Yeah, just like me.” Trixie was kind of shocked “Get inside the car, sweetheart."

”Yup, she’s definitely aware.“ she thought to herself.

***

Katya and Melanie were watching Steven Universe on the living room when they hear keys opening the front door. The young girl ran so fast that she almost took Katya down. When Ginger opened the door, Melanie almost killed the woman by jumping on her.

"Holy Jesus, Melanie, you’re going to kill me any day.” Ginger snorted, putting the girl down “You know that I’m a overweigh asthmatic woman and you keep trying to jump on me.”

“Maybe someday you will pick me up.” Mel laughed, and Katya cackled.

“And you, Kathy, how are you?” the woman said, sitting on the couch and taking her shoes off.

“She likes Barbie’s mom.” Mel smirked, and Katya pulled a hand to her own forehead “They are going to get married on the park."

"Wait what?” she locked eyes with the young girl “Where the hell did that come from, Melanie?"

"Okay, they are not getting married.” she admitted “But they are going out."

"Honey, go take a shower while I talk to Kathy over here.” Ginger sniffed “You’re smelling like grass and wet dogs."

"I think I’m the one to be blamed for the wet dogs scent, but Melanie is definitely the one who is smelling like grass.” Katya whispered as the little girl went to the bathroom.

“So tell me more about this Trixie stuff, bitch.” Ginger asked.

“Well, we saw each other on the park today again. She indirectly told me that she had stalked me on Facebook, which is fine because I’ve stalked her too.”

“How did she told you that?”

“She said my clothes looked normal today because she saw what I usually wear.” Ginger wheezed at the answer.

“And she wasn’t wrong!”

“Oh, shut up. Let me finish.” Katya rolled her eyes “Then we had this discussion about crocs, you called, we decided to go out tomorrow and I gave her my number.”

“And she didn’t give you hers?” Ginger asked.

“No, because Melanie was using my phone.” the Russian answered “She said she would text later. I’ll take a shower now because I really am smelling like wet dogs. But the wet dog was so cute, I couldn’t help but hug him.”

Katya had a quick shower. She was used to take so long there, but her anxiety kept telling her that Trixie could text anytime soon, so she forced herself to be quick. She made dinner for the three of them - and, by dinner, she meant macaroni and cheese - and not one sign of Trixie.

“Calm down, Romeo.” Mel said before taking a sip of her juice “She’s probably just doing normal things that Barbie Dolls do, you know."

"Your daughter is the snappiest six-year-old in the world, Ging, you do know that?” Katya looked at her friend, who laughed “Plus, what makes you say that I’m Romeo?"

"Because you are waiting for Juliet, Kathy.” the young girl rolled her eyes.

In the middle of dinner, Katya’s phone buzzed, and she almost broke the table with excitement.

“Holy mother of Jesus, can you please don’t go breaking my house?” Ginger asked.

“I couldn’t if I try.” Katya sang, and immediately opened the messages on her phone, and read it out loud.

Unknown

Hey, It’s Trixie here! Sorry I didn’t text earlier, I was showering :)

“What should I answer?” Katya asked.

“That you were almost going crazy because she wasn’t answering you?” the young girl suggested.

“No way, she’ll think that I’m a psychopath or something.” the Russian said, still thinking “Okay, I got it.”

Katya

That’s fine :D How are you?

“What a filthy liar!” Melanie screamed.

“Oh, shut up, Ginger 2.0, let me live my life.”

***

“I can’t believe I let you paint my daughter, Naomi.” Trixie said, looking at the girl finishing Barbie’s eyebrows.

“She’s going to look even more like a Barbie when I finish.” Naomi smiled.

Whenever they weren’t at Trixie apartment downstairs, they would go to Kim and Naomi’s place. Naomi used to be one of the popular kids in school, although she was still really close to both Kim and Trixie, who weren’t popular at all. She would often work as a model for different companies.

She was really tall, skinny, and had this straight beautiful dark hair who went all the way down to her lower back. She was definitely one of the nicest people that Trixie had ever met, ever.

“So, Barbie, is there any attractive interesting boy at your school?” the brunette asked.

“The boys at my school aren’t really interesting type. The most interesting thing I’ve seen one of them do is eat a worm. And it wasn’t really attractive.” Barbie answered, trying not to move.

“I love your kid, Tracy.” Naomi giggled.

“She learned everything from me, of course.” Kim told them, and saw that Trixie wouldn’t look up from her phone “Tracy, you are so quiet today. Please continue quiet, your voice is annoying.”

“Fuck off.” the blonde didn’t even look away from the phone.

“Who are you texting so much, huh?” Naomi asked “Did you get back on Tinder?”

“Ew.” the blonde rolled her eyes “I’m never going back on Tinder. Pearl was the last one.”

“She’s texting my friend Melanie’s babysitter, Katya.” Barbie revealed.

“How do you know that?” Trixie asked, finally turning the phone off.

“You said it on the park that you would text her later. It’s tickling” the kid giggled as Naomi’s brush touched her face.

“Who’s Katya? That cowgirl you’ve met yesterday?” Kim ate some chips from the bag that she was holding.

“Now close your eyes, Barbie, I’ll glue some falsies on you.” Naomi shook the fake lash for the glue to dry a little bit.

“I’m not sure if she is a cowgirl.” the girl with closed eyes answered.

“Yes, is her. And she’s not a cowgirl.” Kim took the phone off Trixie’s hand “Hey!”

“Why is her name ’Melanie’s hot babysitter Katya Zamo’?” Kim asked, and the brunette girl laughed out loud, along with Barbie.

“She choose it, not me. Now give me my phone back.” she told them, and the pink-haired girl gave her the object “Thank you. Now, before you guys say that I never tell anything to you, Katya and I are going to lunch together at the mall tomorrow.”

“Wait are you serious? Why didn’t you tell me this girl?” Naomi asked “Don’t move your lips, sweetie, or I’ll mess up."

"Well, we’ve met yesterday and she asked me out today.” Trixie gesticulated “I said yes, and that’s basically it. It’s not like we are dating or something."

"She wants to, though.” Kim murmured, and Trixie mouthed a 'shut up’.

“Okay, I’m completely done!” the brunette said, and Barbie stood up showing a complete painted face “What do you guys think, huh?”

“Well, she’s definitely looking like 70’s Kylie Jenner.” Kim joked, making Trixie wheeze.

“Shut up, she’s looking amazing.” Naomi snorted.

“She is.” Trixie smiled “You did a great job.”

“Yeah, you kind of did. Props to you, miss Nicole Paige Brooks.” the asian girl said.

“Fuck off, Kim, you know that I think about this until today!” the brunette screamed.

Nicole was a math teacher back in high school who liked to dress up as a teenager but didn’t look really good while doing it. Once, the woman made Naomi stay after the class just so she could tell where did she got her outfits from. A couple of days later, the girls realized that Nicole was using the exact same outfit as the young brunette. Naomi was so ashamed of it that she actually made her mom bring her some other clothes. And, since then, Trixie and Kim kept calling her Nicole Paige Brooks.

The brunette took some pictures of the young girl, and Trixie did the same. The three friends ate some vegetarian food that they ordered and Kim even made some chicken nuggets for Barbie and herself. They watched “Mean Girls” for the thousandth time, while Trixie and Kim shared some ice cream. When she saw that Barbie was almost falling asleep, she decided it was time to go.

“Thanks for painting me, Naomi.” Barbie smiled “You are really pretty and really good at makeup.”

“Awn, thank you so much!” Naomi bent so she was at the girl’s size “I can paint you whenever you want.”

“I think she might need glasses, Trix, she said Naomi is pretty.” Kim laughed, and Naomi gave her the middle finger.

“See you guys tomorrow, then. Goodnight!” Trixie answered before entering the elevator.

When they arrived home, Trixie changed into her pj’s. She was without any makeup since she had showered before going to Kim’s place. Barbie also changed to her pj’s, but she was still had makeup on, so Trixie just took the little girl to her room and helped her take it off with some makeup wipes.

“How do you do this everyday?” the kid asked, and Trixie just giggled “Not just taking it off, but actually putting it on?”

“You just get used to, you know.” she shrugged “Just like drawing. But on your face.”

“Well, I can draw pretty well. I don’t know about makeup, though.” she tuned her nose up “So, you are you really going out with Katya tomorrow?”

“Yeah, is that a problem to you?” Trixie answered, afraid of Barbie’s reaction.

“No, she’s really nice.” Barbie smiled “Melanie told me she is Russian. And that she used to have a raccoon pet. Oh, and that she loves Indiana Jones. Melanie talks quite a lot about her, but she’s interesting."

Trixie took a a deep breath, relieved. "She really seems to be a very interesting person. Are you sleeping with me tonight?”

“Can I?” the girl’s eyes shined.

“Yes, sweetie.” Trixie kissed the top of Barbie’s head before standing up to turn the lights off. She then went under the covers and closed her eyes “Goodnight, Barbie, I love you.”

“Wait, can you sing for me?” the girl held her mom’s hand in the dark “Please?”

“Barbie, I’m tired.” Trixie cried.

“Just one tiny song, please. I know how much you like to sing.”

“Okay, fine. I’ll sing a bit of Landslide just because it’s my favorite.

Oh mirror in the sky, what is love?

Can the child within my heart rise above?

Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?

Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well, I’ve been afraid of changing

'Cause I’ve built my life around you

But time made you bolder

Even children get older

And I’m getting older too

Oh, I’m getting older too”

#it's all about barbie #trixie mattel #katya zamolodchikova #trixya #lesbian au #fluff #djoodi #rpdr fanfiction #submission

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