#And it was nuts. I mean... I was not myself. I had so bad depersonalization going on.

[hypnosiacon-archived]

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5. what’s the best part of having your cluster B disorder(s)?

Oh, this thing. That *points at Clusted B*, this one, helped me to overcome a bunch of my fucking fears. This thing deleted the hate I had for my own art of whatever./// Yeah that's it actually.

6. what’s the worst part of having you cluster B disorder(s)?

Aand here's that. Impulsivity, Egoism, selfishness and aggressiveness. Because a minor thing can still make me MAD, I can't control it. I can lash out on those who I care about, and this is nuts. If my fp does something I don't like or disappears - I am gone. If someone tells me something negative about me - I can lash out or just die (not literally). Narc crashes, splitting, I HATE IT. And the worst part is that I can't control it. NPD also makes me very, and I mean, VERY repulsed by the need to comfort someone. Mostly because I never got any comfort myself, why would I give something I haven't gotten at all if I am still trying to recover myself? + I love to talk only about me. Only. Me. Only things I like. No one dares to talk about these things because they are mine. I hate everything popular but also I hate everything people around me enjoy and everyone who likes the same things I like. You see how bad it is? Ugh

Also let's talk about how it makes me feel NOTHING for days? Or how I can be so bored that nothing helps me and I get angry and sad and worse? Or depersonalization because yeaaah, this is exaaactly what I needed with the lack of identity permanence. Also if I see someone getting attention I am gonna be angry at them even if they are my close friend because how dare, I want attention too. Exactly the same even. And how I need to be treated in the "Special" way? Ugh, I don't even know myself what I want to be honest, but since I get angry at my partner now - it's something I would never get..

Anyway, I hate Cluster B with all my heart, it ruined me.

10. what is something you’d want your non cluster B friends to understand about you and possibly accommodate you about?

Let's just say.... everything. I can't be bored if there's a FP, so there's that. If I do feel bored - I am screwed. That being a FP is NOT the end of a world. I have a very prominent fear of abandonment, that can and will lead to panic / anxiety attacks and also in the worst cases - delusions. I need social interaction constantly, unless something wild happens and I got myself into something that I don't need it for a moment.

13. what is your best trait that benefits you?

IDK, really, I don't know. Maybe how defensive I am, that no one can hurt me like really really hurt me, apart from myself and the mental health itself?

21. is there a trait from a cluster B disorder you wish you had?

Oh, I would probably say a trait I would rather not have. Because let's be real, IT SUCKS.

25. is there something you want people to know about your cluster B disorder(s)?

One thing. We are not abusers and manipulative. That lack of empathy and my selfishness do not make me backstabber. And that I can be a great friend, I just need a lot of attention which is okay, we all need human interaction lol. And that having BPD is exhausting, I can't say anything good about it.

26. what is the most common misinformation about your cluster B disorder(s) that you want people to know the correct information about?

Funny how I don't interact with anything related to it. So uh... idk

#🌀 gravity taking hold : ask games #i hate having bpd #i hate having npd #i hate having any cluster b disorder #I hate it hate it hate hate hate #🌀 iacon;

[mcrmadness]

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#why is the word 'gender envy' suddenly everywhere on my dash??? #I mean it probably has something to do with the fact that half of the people I follow here are more or less trans #but still!!! I feel like I need to filter that tag TOO soon because I'm getting an overload of that word #it's just something I cannot relate to at all. That's why I started using 'aesthetic envy' instead. #But I also don't understand why people want to look like someone else. Like someone who already exists. #It's so weird? Like... why can't everyone be an invididual and look unique. #I know I definitely hate my looks because thanks body dysmorphia but I also once had a phase when I wanted to look like someone specific. #And it was nuts. I mean... I was not myself. I had so bad depersonalization going on. #I legit thought my whole face was gonna transform into that person by adding a little bit of makeup. And needless to say: it didn't. #And it was very traumatic for me because I just looked even uglier than ever and the dissociation was so bad. #I still don't understand why I wanted to 'look' like that person because wtf they're a PERSON. #Not like an ad from some 'choose your new looks' catalog. A person. And I'm a person. Why would I want to be someone's clone? #I find it extremely weird to think that I'd have a doppelganger somewhere because #1. I don't wish anyone to look like me and 2. I definitely don't want to see a second me walking anywhere because oh boy am I ugly. #I don't want to have a reminder of what I look like irl. Because I look like a monster. #So I hope I don't have a doppelganger anywhere because looking like me would be the worst. Something I wouldn't wish even upon my biggest e #enemy* and ffs I hate this new editor it lets me write longer tags that what it allows #whoops venting but seriously the world is just so weird and I have dissociation #mcrmadness' deep thoughts #idk why I chose the tags instead of writing under a read more link #and now can't copypaste the tags anymore so tags it is