#And also I am getting a whiplash after what feels like all those years and I'm soft but also
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Let Me Be There, Let Me Be Yours
--genre + trope: fluff, hurt/comfort, slight nsfw, 18+ ONLY MDNI
--pairing: frat!peter parker x f!reader
--word count: 1.7k
--summary: while attending peter's frat party, he realizes he wants to be more than friends with benefits with you after seeing his frat brother harry osborn flirt with you. this leads to an emotional conversation about the future with peter.
--warnings: drinking, mentions of alcohol/alcoholic games, suggestive nsfw, kinda forced drinking, protective!peter, drunk!reader, confession, peter takes care of reader while she's drunk, peter's down bad.
--gif credits: @talkaboutyourday
You can hear the bass bumping through the walls of the fraternity as you make your way up the steps of the porch. The first Delta Chi party of the school year brought in a lot of people this time. You hesitate before opening the door. Why you’re so nervous puzzles you, yet those thoughts are quickly interrupted by the smell of cheap beer and smoke flooding your senses. You look around trying to find any familiar faces.
“(L/N)!” Harry’s voice recognizable over the loud music echoing through the familiar frat. You turn around to find the familiar brunet with a red solo cup in his hand.
“Harry Osborn,” You taunt back, “Where’s Parker?”
“I don’t keep tabs on Parker? Who do you think I am, his best friend?” He waves his hand around in the air in a dramatic way.
“Actually yeah,” You laugh, reaching out for his cup to take a sip, “What’s this?” You take a sip before he can answer you. The familiar burn of the vodka runs down your throat. “Jesus,” You mutter to yourself.
“Let’s get you an actual drink, then we’ll go find your little boyfriend, Parker,” Harry throws an arm loosely around your shoulder leading you through the house.
“Since when was he my boyfriend?” You ask, looking up at Harry. He looks down at you with his typical shit-eating smirk and a quirk to his brow.
“My mistake then, just thought after you guys fucked the last few times he would’ve made it official or something,” he joked.
“Well-” You laughed, “We’re just fucking.”
You don’t remember getting to this point of being trashed, but you’re definitely there. One shot turned into two, then Harry offered to take another with you, and another. None of it matters as you finally see Peter grabbing a beer from the fridge. It takes a few ‘Excuse Me's' to eventually reach him, plotting a funny way to sneak up on him in the process, before you poke him on the side of his waist.
“Jesus fuck,” He turns quickly to look at the culprit, you. You honestly wonder how he didn’t get whiplash from turning that fast, “Are you serious?”
“Yes, are you serious?” You ask with a laugh. Your cheeks are warm, as you grin up at him. You think you’re the funniest person in the world right now, and Peter is looking at you with confusion, and a bit of amusement written across his face. He’s speechless at your state right now.
You feel an arm wrap around your shoulder, “Looks like you found him,” Harry teased.
“Yeah, you sure were a lot of help Osborn.”
Peter’s eyes dance between you and his best friend's arm that’s thrown casually across your shoulder. He doesn’t know what’s going on between you two, but he has a weird feeling in his stomach about it. It’s teetering on the line between anger and jealousy, but he doesn’t know why.
Harry sticks his tongue out playfully at you, all you can do is roll your eyes in response. Even though you knew you were pretty plastered right now, you also knew that Harry was not the one you wanted attention from. Being around Peter was easy, and most importantly, simple. What you have with him is strictly a situationship, friends with benefits, maybe. You’re still open to do as you please just as much as he is.
“How many drinks have you guys had,” Peter asks bluntly.
“A few,” The brunet answers for you both. You crane your neck up with a puzzled look, he meets your gaze, “What?”
“A few drinks? Harry, how many shots in are we,” You start counting with your fingers jokingly, you hold up at least 6 fingers, “This is just a few?”
This makes Peter look between the two of you again, “Hey, maybe we should go get water (Y/N)?” Still looking at Harry’s arm slinged around your frame.
“Nah, she’s fine,” Harry once again said for you, “Right, (Y/N)?”
You respond with a firm, yet dizzy nod, “Yeah, I’m fine.”
Harry guides you away from Peter, the beer now warm in his hand as he’s been clenching it in his fist the entire time Harry interrupted your brief conversation. He watches as his frat brother leads you to a beer pong table, asking around if anyone wants to play with the two of you. As the game starts, Peter’s already in the background of the crowd watching how you sway as you aim for a cup. As the game goes on, you and Harry gain a lead and ultimately win the game, leaving you to play another round with two new people. Peter has gotten closer to you as viewers disperse to find another form of entertainment.
The second round started, and Peter can tell that you’re not doing well. There’s a more prominent bend in your knees, almost like you’re about to fold at any minute if you’re not too careful. The other team’s ball flew into a cup right in front of you, Harry insisting on you taking one for the team and chugging it. Maybe it’s because Peter has been watching you all night, but he notices a slight gag as you’re about half way through the drink.
This is what sets Peter off to approach you, “Maybe it’s time for you to actually get some water, yeah?” Reaching for your elbow to guide you away from the crowd, dragging you into the less populated kitchen.
“Parker, how many times…how many times do I have to tell you that I am fine,” you sluggishly reply, trying to pull away but ultimately failing.
“Peter, at this point you’re just killing the vibe,” Harry’s voice chimes in as he makes his way into the room, “Just go find someone else to bother, you’re interrupting us.” A smirk is on his face at that last bit, knowing he’s struck a nerve in Peter.
“Honestly Osborn, shut the fuck up,” Peter snaps. This pulls you out of your drunken haze, your eyes now locking onto the guys in front of you.
Harry just laughs, “Whoa, calm down Pete,” he raises his hands in defense.
“No Harry seriously, just get the fuck out of here,” Peter turns his back to his best friend and grabs your wrist, “Let’s go.”
“You’re not my boyfriend Parker,” You snap, ripping your arm from his grasp.
“Well you’re not letting me be your fucking boyfriend,” He quips.
“We’re just fucking, you made that clear since the beginning.”
Peter runs a hand through his hair, “I made that clear? You’re the one that-fuck,” He rubs a hand across his jaw in frustration, “Let’s go.” He grabs your wrist once again dragging you from the kitchen, he doesn’t falter when his shoulder rams into Harrys. He pulls you across the house and up the stairs to his room, despite your complaints.
“What the fuck-”
“I’m the one that made it clear?” He questions, now clearly frustrated, “You’re the one eye-fucking every guy in the room, (L/N).”
“Because I fucking can, like I said you’re not my fucking boyfriend! You don’t have that jurisdiction Peter!” You raise your voice.
“Because you won’t let me,” He spits out calmly. The tension in the room doubles, his new tone making the room feel small.
“Because I don’t fucking know how!” Your chest heaving with rage. Your eyes melting into his hazel set, “I don’t know how,” you repeat quieter. At this point your drunken haze has completely left you with a sick hollow feeling in the pit of your stomach. Peter just stares at you, unable to form words. The seconds tick by painfully slow, you become nervous as they pass. “Can you just say something Parker-actually fuck this,” you cut yourself off, turning to grab the door handel.
“I-I’m sorry,” He stutters, “I just don’t know what to say.”
“Figures,” You laugh sarcastically.
“Look (Y/N), we could make this work if you just let me in,” Peter says.
“I can’t.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m scared, Pete,” You glance at the floor with a sigh “I don’t want to hurt you.”
“I can take it.”
You laugh,“I just can’t.”
He walks over to you, “Please,” he whispers, “I want to be with you.”
You turn to finally look at him, tears clinging to your lashes, you give him a sad smile as your eyes melt into his.
“Please,” He asks again, “Just let me try, just give us a try.”
“I don’t want to hurt you Pete, I can’t do that to you.”
“It’s fine,” A grin etching its way onto his face, “I’ll wait as long as you need me to.” He brings his hand up, cradling your cheek in his palm, wiping away the stray tear, “Just let me be there, let me be yours.”
You bring your hand to lay on top of his to keep the contact for just a bit longer, “Yeah,” you sniffle before you nod with a grin, “Fine, but if it becomes too much, you have to let it go.”
“You’ll never be too much for me.”
“Should we head downstairs?” You suggest, wiping the rest of ur tears.
Peter opens the door letting you walk out first, “Yeah, I think I need to talk to Harry real quick before I walk you home.”
As if right on cue Harry appears at the bottom of the stairs, “Yo, Parker! What I did was out of line, my bad dude. It won’t happen again.”
“Nah, it’s alright,” He says out loud before pulling him in for a quick side hug, “Don’t mess with her again like that, alright? Everyone else is fair game, not her though.”
A quick nod is shared between the brothers before you head out, walking back to your apartment, since it’s only a few minutes away. You and Peter aren’t simple, and you aren’t a situationship. You are navigating your way through each other’s lives, together.
--author's note: HEY!!! you guys love peter so much, and i love him so much that i had to go write about him again. really in my frat!peter era, so here's my take on this beautiful AU. shoutout to @webslingingslasher for being an absolute god in all things frat!peter, im obsessed. don't forget to like, comment, and reblog to support your writers!! ok ily, bye<3.
#frat!peter#tasm!peter parker#andrew garfield peter parker#tasm!peter x reader#peter parker x reader#peter parker#peter parker fluff#tasm!peter parker fluff#peter parker hurt/comfort#marvel#andrew garfield#college au#frat!harry#protective!peter parker
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I've Never Stopped. (c.f)
masterlist
Pairing: Conrad Fisher x Fem!Reader
Summary: coming back to Cousins for the summer after skipping out last year after a rough breakup with your ex-boyfriend, conrad fisher. you hoped that maybe both he and his family had forgotten about you, but it seems like you’re in for a treat.
Warnings: lots of dialogue. swearing. angsty mention of a breakup. little kiss. fluffy ending tho. UNEDITED
a/n: the timeline that i have doesn't fully match with the actual series. also if you feel like you're seeing this twice it's because this was going to be two parts but i ended up liking it as one!
word count. 3.5k
“You’re coming back this year, no more moping around about it, and that’s final,” your mom tells you.
“But what am I even suppose to do this summer while I’m there, it’s not like I have anything planned.”
“Actually, I signed you up to be a big sister this year for the debutante ball.”
“Wait, what?” you question.
“I knew you would say something like that so I got you something to do while we’re there.”
“Fine, whatever.”
You were sat at table two by Paige, the lady hosting the event and instructor. All the girls were mainly welcoming to you. Asking you questions like if this was your first time in Cousins and why they haven’t seen you around. You brushed off a majority of the questions but told them that you had skipped out last year due to college admissions. Which wasn’t a complete lie since you went to go tour universities like Upenn, Columbia, NYU, and Yale. You got early admission into Columbia and it started beginning of July of last year.
You learned the girls' names which are Nicole, Shayla, Gigi, and a couple others. You tried your best to not give a reaction when they mentioned the infamous Conrad and Jeremiah Fisher. You noticed the chair next to you was still open at your table.
“Hey, are we missing anybody?” you asked the girls.
“Yeah, this girl is a new deb this year,” Nicole replied to you.
Out of the corner of your eye, you see Belly Conklin and Jeremiah Fisher walking into the room. You wanted to sink down to the floor to disappear but it was too late. You saw Jeremiah dodge Paige and make his way towards you all giddy. You saw the girls around the table slightly fix their dresses thinking he was coming toward them. You keep your eyes glued down to the table but looked up the second he called your name. What a rookie mistake.
“Y/N! You’re back, man, Conrad is not going to believe this. We missed you last summer. Are you back for good or you going to disappear again?” he rambles to you as he gets closer. He hugs you from behind your chair and kisses your cheek. You blush immediately and notice that Gigi is glaring at you from the table.
“Hey, Jere,” you mumble out.
“I’m glad, you’re here.”
“You know, me too,” you found yourself admitting out loud.
“Okay, I gotta go before Paige has me kicked out, but I’ll text you,” he says rushing out the door.
“Hi, Bells,” you greet the oh-so-familiar girl taking a seat next to you.
“Hey, Y/N,” she replies, smiling at you.
“So when were you going to tell us that you know, a certain lifeguard…” Nicole teases you, trying to ease the tension at the table.
“Family friend, you know.”
“But that’s it, right?” Gigi asks you.
“Yeah, of course. He’s like my little brother.”
“Y/N, wait up!” you hear from behind you seeing Belly.
“Belly?”
“I don’t want to push you or anything, but I just want to you know that I think Conrad would really enjoy a visit from you, we all would,” she says bashfully looking down to her feet.
“Bells, I miss you too, but he was the one who broke up with me, remember? I don’t think that’s the best idea.”
“Think about it, okay?” she tries again
“Maybe.”
“CONRAD, GUESS WHAT!” Jere yells barging into Conrad’s room.
“What, Jere?” Conrad says, tiredly looking at him from his bed.
“She’s back.”
“Who’s back?” Conrad questions him.
“Who else, Y/N!” as those words left Jeremiah’s mouth, Conrad found himself getting whiplash from getting up so quickly.
“You sure, it wasn’t some girl that just looked like her?” he asked.
“Oh, it was her,” he hears Belly add from the hallway.
“You’re shitting, me,” Conrad says exasperated falling back down to his bed.
‘Ding’ Jeremiah takes his phone out of his pocket to look at the text message he had just got. He looks to Conrad who had his head stuffed into a pillow then went back out of the hallway to call for Belly.
“Hey, Belly, you wanna go get ice cream with, Y/N?” that got the attention of quite a few people in the house.
“Of course, when?” “Wait, Y/N’s back?” “You’re going where?” all directed towards Jeremiah who seemed occupied on his phone texting back.
“Bells, later before dinner so like in 20-30 mins. Steven, yeah, we saw her today at the deb lunch thing. And, umm, Conrad, we’re going out with Y/N,” Jeremiah blurts out in a rush.
“You think I could go?” Conrad asks.
“Yeah, me too,” Steven adds on.
“Steven, yeah sure that’s fine. I don’t know, Conrad.”
“Come on, I’m sure, she won’t even care,” Conrad pushes.
“Fine, but you better not make her feel unwelcomed. Don’t be selfish here, we all miss her you know,” Jere gives in.
Your breakup with Conrad didn’t just affect you two but the families too. Your dad didn’t really like Conrad after finding you in your room crying when he had broken up with you. You were thankful for your parents especially your dad considering he was your shoulder to cry on during it. He made sure your mom didn’t push you too much during the weeks after everything happened. You loved your mom, but she never really got the hint when to stop at times. After the breakup your family still went to Susannah’s Fourth of July party that year, breaking the news to everyone you skipped out of going to Cousins because of college admissions. Everyone knew that it was deeper than that.
When Conrad had broken up with you it was truly out of fear, you never knew that. You believed that he didn’t want to be with you anymore and didn’t care enough to give you a valid reason for it. Nobody really understood why he did it. It was so out of the blue since it seemed like you two were so in love with each other. They never expected for Conrad to turn so cold to you right before the summer, well neither did you.
What was going through Conrad’s mind was the fear you would find someone better than him at the universities you talked about. He thought to save himself the pain and do it first. He broke up with you thinking that you would move on and be with some college guy. He loved you too much to see you fall into the arms of someone else while he wasn’t there. He trusted you, but that didn’t stop his fears from overwhelming him. What really pushed him over was when he found out that his dad cheated on his mom while she was going through chemotherapy.
He was so scared to lose you that he lost you in the process.
You sat down outside of the ice cream parlor, nervous to be spending time with them again. Jeremiah had responded to your text saying he and Belly would both be going. You looked around to see if Jere’s car was around but you see a red jeep pulling up from down the street.
“Shit,” you muttered to yourself.
You prayed that maybe Jeremiah just took Conrad’s car instead of his, but it seemed like the world was against you when you saw him coming out of the car.
“Yo, Y/N, I didn’t believe Jere when he said he was coming to meet you,” you hear Steven say first approaching you. He pulled you into a hug whispering into your ear. “Don’t worry about him, okay?”
You appreciated Steven in moments like this. You guys have a very brother-sister relationship and he always tried to look out for you. He won't admit it out loud but he was so furious with Conrad screwing up with you. He called you immediately when he found out last you. You've been helping him with trying to prepare for Princeton without anyone knowing. You reassured him that he could do it.
“I’ll try,” you whisper back while hugging him back.
“Y/N!! Oh, have I missed you,” Jere says tackling you with a hug after Steven stepped back.
“You saw me earlier, you know,” you laughed at him.
“Yeah, but for like a minute, so that doesn’t count.”
“You guys could let her breathe,” Belly says behind Jere waiting her turn to talk to you.
“Hey, Bells,” you smiled at her.
“I’m glad, you thought about it,” she says to you quietly.
“I didn’t though, I texted Jere thinking only you and him would be here,” you whisper into her ear as you two hug. You glared at Jeremiah, but he didn’t seem to notice or maybe he just didn’t care.
“Oh, sorry about that,” she responds to you nervously as she lets go.
You felt the world stop for a second when you locked eyes with the one and only Conrad Fisher.
“Hey.”
“Hello, to you too,” you replied monotoned. You didn’t want to give him the pleasure of giving him a reaction to his presence.
“Let’s get ice cream, shall we?” Jeremiah says cutting the tension between you two as you turned your head to look at him.
“Yeah, let’s head in,” you said changing back to your usual tone.
“So, how’s uni?” Steven asked once you guys headed back outside to sit down.
“It’s interesting, to say the least…” you started
“Any hot people?” Jeremiah said, wiggling his eyebrows at you. You felt Conrad’s eyes bore into you when Jere asked the question.
“Some, but frat boys aren’t really the best at relationships,” you answered.
“YOU GOT WITH A FRAT GUY??” Belly gasped.
“No way, you gave a frat a chance, Y/N,” Steven added.
“It was just a fling. Nothing that serious, really. We went out for like two weeks before I broke up with him,” you said looking at everyone sheepishly.
“Was he good?” Conrad challenged.
“Excuse me?” you said puzzled. You couldn’t believe the nerve he had to ask you that.
“Conrad, chill,” Jeremiah gapped at him.
“Belly, how do you feel about being a deb?” you asked Belly trying to move on from the subject.
“Umm… I don’t know honestly. I’m really nervous about it but I’m glad you got assigned to be my big sister cause I don’t know what I would do without you,” she rambled on.
“Bells, you’ll be great. There’s nothing to worry about and if anything happens we’ll do it together, okay,” you said as you squeezed her hand affectively.
“I can’t believe you’re a big sis, Y/N,” Steven joked with you.
“Yeah, my mom made me deb last year in New York. Then she signed me up to help here.”
“That sounds like her,” Conrad said quietly.
“Did you have fun last year?” Jere asked.
“I did actually. It helped take my mind off things,” you answered while making eye contact with Conrad for a sec before turning your attention back to Jere.
“Someone escorted you?” Steven voiced out.
“Yeah, I have a friend Luke who took me.” as you said that you heard Conrad scoff at the name.
“Hey, we have to head back soon but what if you came to dinner? Please think about it, mom misses you,” Jere begged you.
“Yeah sure,” you agreed already regretting your decision.
“You want one of us to ride back with you?” Belly asked with a mischievous look on her face.
“If one of you want to sure,” you had a feeling where this was going.
“Conrad will go with you,” Jeremiah stated while Conrad stared at him wide-eyed.
“Whatever, I guess, you’re driving though,” you add turning to Conrad.
“Okay,” he muttered out.
The driving was filled with tension. Neither of you talking to each other but sneaking side glances hoping no one will notice.
“Columbia, treating you good?” he asked while looking to the road.
“Better than you did,” you said bitterly
“Y/n/n, don’t be like that.”
“Be like what?”
“I’m sorry,” he said so quietly that you barely heard it.
“For what exactly?”
“For making a mistake.”
“Conrad, stop.”
“I’m not doing anything.”
“You know what you’re doing and stop it.”
“What am I doing?”
“You trying to make me forgive you after everything.”
“Can you?”
“That’s not the point. Why should I give you the decency of forgiveness when you couldn’t even give me a damn reason.” you scoffed as he pulled in front of the house.
You walked out of the car and headed towards the door, taking deep breaths to calm yourself down. You got to the door and debated on knocking but instead chose to walk in trying to not make any noise. You heard Conrad shuffle behind you but ignored him. You walked into the kitchen and saw Laurel and Susannah cooking dinner. You sat down at the counter not wanting to disturb them.
“Y/N! You’re here!” Susannah says happily to you. She lowered the heat on the stove and went to you for a hug.
“Hey, Y/N,” you hear Laurel say while you are engulfed in a hug from Susannah.
“Mom, you can let her breathe now,” Conrad told his mom.
“Connie, be quiet for a second. Let me just admire her, she’s so beautiful.” you blush at her words.
“Your mom was telling me that you got into Columbia last year right?” Laurel asked.
“Yeah, early admission.”
“That’s exciting,” she replies.
“Now, why haven’t visited us yet?” Susannah questioned you.
“I’m sorry, I’ve been busy getting stuff together to be a big sis for the ball,” you answered giving an excuse for the summer only.
“Oh, Belly was telling me about that. She’s really glad that she can spend time with you again. She’s always looked up to you,” Laurel said smiling warmly at you.
“I missed her.”
“Well, we’ve all missed you,” Susannah told you slightly glaring at Conrad behind you, pulling you into another hug.
“Yeah.” you hear behind you.
Nothing was ever in your favor. You sat right next to Conrad and had Steven next to you and Belly in front of you. The room was filled with awkward tension seeping from both you and Conrad. You talked to Steven quietly as everyone else had their own conversations.
“How’s the application process?” you asked Steven.
“Dad, says he thinks I can get in with some financial aid and I’m going to apply for a couple scholarships.”
“A couple scholarships for what?” Laurel sparks interest in your guys’ conversation.
“I’m applying to Princeton,” Steven told her. Everyone dropped their side conversations and paid attention to Laurel and him.
“I thought you gave up on that.”
“No, Dad and Y/N think I can do it if I get some help so I thought it was worth a shot,” he says to her slowly quieting his voice by the end of it.
“Laurel, Steven will be fine. If I could get into Columbia on a full ride, I’m sure he can too,” you try to reassure her.
“Yeah, and Y/N would only be like a 2-hour drive away too if I ever need anything,” Steven adds on.
“Steven, I think that’s great for you, hun,” Susannah says sweetly.
“You going to let me steal your sweatshirt?” Belly asks Steven excitedly.
“As if,” Steven scoffs.
“Hey, Bells how do you feel about a Columbia hoodie?” you say to Belly trying to make up for Steven’s rudeness.
“Really?”
“Yeah, of course, I’ll bring it next time.”
“So you’ll be here the next time?” Jeremiah says jokingly.
“I'll be around.”
“That’s great, sweetheart. It would be nice having you around again,” Susannah tells you as you feel Conrad’s stare from your side.
“How’s football, Conrad?” you asked trying to make small talk.
“I quit.”
“Oh.”
“You still doing volleyball?”
“Yeah, I’m trying out for captain next year.”
“That’s good.”
“Can we talk?” you hear Conrad say behind you.
“Sure, give me a sec. Jere, she really likes you don’t mess it up.”
“I won’t!” Jeremiah yelled walking back into the house.
You and Conrad sit beside the pool as everyone is inside. You kept a distance between you two but Conrad seemed to inch closer to you by the minute.
“What’d you want to talk about?” you said breaking the silence.
“I never meant to hurt you.”
“You see, Conrad that’s the problem you did.”
“It was for the best.”
“What do you mean for the best, I was in love with you.”
“I loved you too.”
“Sure didn’t seem that way when you said you wanted a break.”
“Y/N, I was scared okay.”
“Scared for what exactly, Conrad?” you snapped him not getting where he was going with this conversation.
“We would’ve never lasted with you in college.”
“Well, now we’ll never know.”
“You seemed to move on pretty quick so I guess I was right.”
“Oh fuck you, Conrad. I had my heart broken because of you and all you think is that.”
“You were going to leave me.” Conrad implied as his voice cracked.
“What?” you said looking at him and making eye contact.
“You would’ve found some college guy and probably notice how much better he is than me.”
“Conrad, I don’t understand.”
“I was so fucking scared, Y/N. I thought maybe if I broke up with you first it would save me some of the heartache. I think it only made it worse.”
“What do you mean ‘broke up with me first’? Conrad, I would’ve never done that to you and I’m offended you don’t have any faith in me.”
“My dad cheated on my mom okay,” he said to you looking down towards the pool.
“Oh, Con, I’m so sorry,” you grabbed his hand. You felt him tighten his hold against yours when you tried to pull back.
“I found out a week before we broke up.”
“Oh," you muttered under your breath as everything started clicking in your mind about how your breakup went down.
“I’m sorry, Y/N. For everything.”
“I know, Con,” you said.
Conrad Fisher always had that effect on you. No matter how much you tried to deny it you would always love him. For that, you would always end up forgiving him in the end. You wondered if he still had any love for you back.
“You know I never stopped loving you,” he said quietly, reconnecting your eyes. It was almost as if he read your mind.
“No. You can’t do that, Conrad. It hurts too much,” you said feeling tears fill your eyes.
“I should’ve never done what I did.”
“Conrad, stop.”
“No. I need you to know I regret it okay.”
“You’re only saying this cause I’m back,” you said as the tears fell from your eyes.
“I’m not. You know I tried visiting you once a couple weeks after everything but you were rehearsing with Luke,” he told you as he raised his hand to wipe away your tears.
“Why didn’t you say anything?” you flushed as you saw him stare at your face slowly taking you in admiration.
“I thought you would be better off without me,” he said rubbing his thumb against your cheek.
“Con,” you found yourself slowly leaning into his touch.
“I’ve always adored you.”
You tried looking away from him but you felt him gently grab your chin and tilt it up towards him.
“You’re an ass.” you laughed trying to put your nerves away as you looked down to his lips before traveling your eyes back to his.
“I love you and I am sorry,” he whispered to you as he pulled you in.
“Con, this is wrong.”
“Nothing is wrong. It’s only us,” he said inches away from your lips.
He put his lips against yours and grabbed your face closer to him. You found yourself kissing him back wrapping your arms around his neck. It was as if you could feel the emotion Conrad was putting into this kiss, it felt like he was giving it his all. As if it was to make up for the past.
“Always know how to make a girl blush,” you said against his lips. You felt the vibration of his laugh as you said it. You missed hearing it. He pushed his lips back onto yours with the same kind of passion as before.
“Only you,” he responded as he pulled back leaning his forehead against yours.
“Do you really think this is smart?” you muttered.
“It was stupid of me to ruin what we had in the first place.”
“Okay.” and with that, he grabbed your face into his hands.
“You. You’re the one I love and I promise I won’t make the same mistake.”
#conrad fisher fluff#conrad fisher imagine#conrad x reader#conrad fisher x reader#conrad fisher#conrad#tsitp fanfic#tsitp x reader#tsitp imagine#tsitp#tsitp x y/n#jeremiah fisher#belly conklin#steven conklin#fic#fluff#christopher briney#the summer i turned pretty x you#the summer i turned pretty#the summer i turned pretty x reader#imagines#imagine#conrad fisher fanfic#conrad fisher x you#conrad fisher x y/n#conrad fisher angst
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I’ve been gone for so long but I have so much to say and idk how to say it so please be prepared for an absolute mess of an ask lol
First, I just really wanna give appreciation for Super Emeralds (The comic creator) and their dedication to THOAM. I’ve been on Tumblr for just a little more than a year at this point, and I only joined in the first place because of this comic. I got into it way back in… What was it, 2020?? 2021? And I fell in love immediately with the concept! Sonic feeling insecure about his new Werehog form? Chip being an active member of the team and a great friend?? TEAM DARK??? SONADOW DONE RIGHT?????????? Ohohoho! You can bet I was completely on board! I tried my best to comment on every page, because I just love giving positive feedback for things I enjoy, and took note of how Super Emeralds evolved their style as the years went on. I wasn’t there during the beginning, and I really wish I was, but the time I’ve spent following this fun little comic has made me feel so much appreciation not just for Super Emeralds as a person, but for the entire Sonic art community as a whole! Art is a creative endeavor, a passionate career, and sometimes it’s really hard to just. Draw. Comics are especially hard as I’ve discovered. So just… Good job to Super Emeralds for sticking around all these years and for giving us such an incredibly thought out and beloved series. And thank you.
…
ALRIGHT ENOUGH OF THAT MUSHY GUSHY STUFF AND LET’S TALK ABOUT THE BLUE BOY HIMSELF THAT IS NOW NO LONGER JUST BLUE MUAHAHAHAHASHEHEHEKEFHEOFHFFPWEHFLFHD
I’ve been a bit absent from Tumblr for the last few weeks due to sickness and lack of interest so I am undoubtedly missing a page or two from the equation but OH MY GOSH. POOR SONIC. Bro wakes up from like a 2-day long nap and the first thing he sees is his little brother screaming in his face at 3AM. He’s so confused haha! I noticed he isn’t as insecure or he isn’t really freaking out as much as I assumed he would way back during the exposition pages. This is obviously due to the confusion and whiplash after waking up as his “Normal” self again, but I feel like it’s just him putting on another fascade around his friends. To an extent, at least. He isn’t aware of the new pink markings all over his body and he isn’t aware of just how worried all his friends were. All he knows is that they know about his new form and they for some reason aren’t acting weird about it, so he’s likely just playing along to make sure nobody gets overly concerned. It just seems like something he’d do. Or maybe I’m just grasping at the angst straws, idk.
OMEGA IS FIXED BY THE WAY I DO NOT WISH TO GLOSS OVER THAT FACT. THE BOY IS BACK!! THE ROBO BOYO IS BACK!!! I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE ALL THE CRIMES HE’LL BE ABLE TO COMMIT ONCE TAILS GETS THOSE ROCKET LAUNCHERS WORKING AGAIN HEHEHEEE
Also let’s not gloss over how Omega doesn’t care that Sonic mauled him to death. Let’s not gloss over the fact that Omega clearly cares for the others because of his ignorance to Sonic’s rampage.
Yeah if you couldn’t already tell I’m a sucker for this kinda stuff-
Uhhhhh I don’t really have much else to say, honestly. Maybe I will later, but right now I’m on a time crunch so I gotta keep this all pretty concise. Thank you so so much for reading all the way through, I know this was a really really long one. And again, thanks to Super Emeralds for being able to last this long and not losing motivation for the comic. I know I would’ve given up after just 5 pages! (I actually tried to make a comic of sorts and I literally gave up after 5 pages I am not kidding.)
Aight I gotta go now bye bye!! 👋
ur gonna have a field day in 2-3 weeks depending on when u decide to go on rampage haha
#fan lore#clover-the-awesomest#long post#BTW I APPRECIATE THESE MESSAGES I JUST NEVER KNOW WHAT TO SAY IN FEAR I SPOIL ANYTHING AJHSFAHJS
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I am writing in third person limited and swapping between 3 different characters at the start. My problem is when two of the characters team up and share most of the scenes together. How do I decide which POV to choose?
I don't want to abandom either POV, because I like writing the thoughts of both of them, and because there are still some scenes where they are seperate, but I also don't want to switch between the two when they're together. Any suggestions?
Thank you so much!
Stuck Choosing Between POVs in a Scene
Unless you're writing in third-person omniscient (where all POVs are available at once), you definitely don't want to switch between two POVs in one scene. In third-person limited/close, the narrator is limited to one character POV at a time and can only switch to a new POV character after a scene break or in a new chapter. Otherwise, you fall into what's known as "head hopping" which tends to confuse the reader and give them a bit of literary whiplash.
That said, when you have two POV characters with valuable perspectives in a scene, you really only have two choices:
1 - Choose Between Them - Choosing one POV over the other in a scene isn't "abandoning" the other POV. That character will still be part of the scene, and there are many other ways you can explore their thoughts and feelings even if they're not the POV character in the scene. For example, you use body language (posture, facial expressions, and gestures) to hint to the reader how the non-POV character is feeling. If the POV character knows them well enough, they may use these cues to mentally interpret what the other character might be thinking or feeling. You can also have the other character tell the POV character what they're thinking and feeling. You can also have the POV character overhear them express those thoughts and feelings to another character, have that other character share what this character told them, or have the POV character discover this information in some way--like by reading it in a journal entry they weren't meant to see.
2 - Split the Scene in Half and Give Each POV Part of the Scene - As long as you use a scene break to separate the two POV sections, you can use POV #1 for the first half of the scene, and POV #2 for the second half. This way, they're still in the same place/moment/activity/situation, but we see the first half of it in one POV and the second half in the other. That way, you get a chance to explore both POVs as far as what they think and feel about what's going on. You aren't going to rehash the action--it will still play out from beginning to end of the scene--but it gives you an opportunity to explore the second POV character's thoughts after already having explored the first. Then, you can use some of the suggestions in item #1 above to help with anything else you want to convey about the first POV character.
Happy writing!
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another hotchgan fic, this time they've been married for some time. rest of the fics for this month will go back to being aaron x reader fics so keep an eye out for those :)
comfortember day eight: grief/mourning
aaron hotchner x derek morgan
derek visits the graveyard and aaron finds him there.
word count: 1k
content/warnings: mentions of death, insecurities, doubts, but there's comfort at the end <3 established relationship
comfortember masterlist here!
also on ao3!
visitor
Derek finds himself at the graveyard. He's not sure why he's there, it just feels right at that moment. It takes him a few minutes to gain the confidence to leave his car, drowning out the calling of birds and wind alike with music to calm his nerves. Finally, though, after he tells himself that there's nothing wrong with what he's about to do, he switches off the music, grabs the flower from atop of the dashboard, and jumps out before he can talk himself out of it again.
Finding the grave is simple enough, remembering the route from the funeral as if it happened yesterday even when it's been years. The hard part is getting himself within ten feet of it without feeling guilt claw viciously at his chest. Deciding that he's close enough for now, he stares at the headstone with a heavy heart.
"I'm gonna talk to you from here, if that's okay," he says out loud, feeling embarrassed. "I just wanted to… thank you. Not for dying or anything, no, but for giving me the chance to get to where I am now. With Aaron." He huffs out a laugh, fiddling with the stem of the flower. "That's basically just me telling you I'm glad you're dead, isn't it? Well, I'm not."
There's no reply, although that's no surprise.
"Aaron still talks about you all the time. And Jack. He misses you; they both do. I'm not sure why I'm here, to be completely honest with you, I just… I needed… I don't know."
Derek takes a few tentative steps toward the grave, anxiety bubbling low in his gut. He doesn't like feeling this way. Like there's a weight on his chest that may never go away.
"I think I'm here to see if, well, if what I did was okay. Dammit, that makes it sound like I killed you or something. That's not what I mean. It's…" He shakes his head in anger.
Birds fly overhead, singing a tune he's heard countless of times. His mind wanders to Gideon and he smiles solemnly when he imagines the man telling him the species and what their cries really mean. Probably something along the lines of you're not alone or everything's gonna be alright, he thinks, although he's sure the man would have made that up just to ease his mind.
Taking another few steps forwards, he finds himself parallel with the bench in front of the headstone. He figures that, since he's already made it so close, he may as well sit down, too. Taking a deep breath, he leans forward and gently places the flower down onto the ground.
"I just hope you're okay with this," he whispers after sitting there in silence for a few minutes. "I mean, your sister is, but she's not you, and I feel like I need your permission. I don't know. Aaron and Jack are happy, I think, with me. In their lives. But… it's not you, I can't be… you."
"And I'm not asking you to be her."
Derek jumps, turning around on the bench so fast he gets whiplash, and he chokes on air. "Jesus, Aaron," he almost yells, hand moving to hold in his beating heart. "Warn a man next time!"
"Warn a man when I'm coming to visit my ex-wife's grave?" He asks, a small smirk on his lips.
"Well, no, I, no, I mean, dammit, sorry."
Aaron smiles, sitting beside him. He reaches out for Derek's hand, bringing it to his lips and pressing a kiss to his knuckles before dropping their joined hands over his own thigh. "You don't have to be sorry, Der."
"You're not mad at me for being here?"
He hums in response, eyes reading over the text written on the headstone before him as if he hasn't already read it a million times over the past ten years. "'Course not. Why would I be? Haley would be happy to have visitors."
"I'm not sure she'd like her ex-husbands new husband visiting her, though. Practically stole you from her."
"Now we both know that's not true," Aaron sighs, squeezing his hand. Derek avoids his eyes. "Hey, look at me. Please?" Derek hesitates before looking up at him. "She died before we even so much as acknowledged we had feelings for each other, and even if she hadn't, we'd still have been divorced. She'd be happy for us."
"But… yeah, she would."
"Then why are you here?"
Derek shrugs. "Guess I've been having doubts lately."
"About us?" Aaron asks, unable to hide his hurt.
"What? No, no!" Derek turns in his seat, a panicked look on his face. "That's not what I mean at all. I mean… I don't know what I mean."
Aaron sighs and nods, wrapping his arm around Derek and tugging him into his side. Derek hums and rests his head on his shoulder, looking at the grave. "You feel like you've forced your way into a family that already existed."
"How do I stop feeling guilty about that?"
"I don't know what to tell you, Derek. But just know that I love you, and Jack loves you, and whether you feel like it or not, you are a part of this family. You didn't force your way in, we let you in. We allowed you into our lives because you make us happy. You have a place here. With us."
Derek's chest feels tight and it takes him a few moments to collect himself enough to speak. "You really mean that?"
"Of course I do. Wouldn't say it if I didn't." Aaron presses a kiss to the top of his head. "You know I love you, right?"
"Mhm. I love you, too."
"I'm glad. Now let's go pick up Jack from school, okay? He has a big project he needs help with." Aaron stands up and gently tugs Derek up by his hand. He presses a kiss to his index and middle finger before lightly pressing the on top of the gravestone for a few moments. "Hope you're okay," he whispers. "Miss you."
Derek watches sadly, an ache in his heart.
"So," Aaron says, turning back to him and beginning the walk to the car. "How do you feel about making a fake volcano?"
tag list: @hotchs-big-hands @criminalskies
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I still don't know my "type" and I'm sick of caring about it
In the early years of my Broadway dream-chasing, I often had to grapple with the concept of "type." That is, what is someone's "type" as an actor? How does the industry view them physically and energetically?
Maybe this is an autism thing, but I still don't really get it.
I get it in theory, but in practice, it always feels...wrong. Because you're told that there are rules, but there are always exceptions to the rules. You're told that your "type" will naturally emerge depending on the roles you get callbacks for, the roles you get cast in, the roles you almost get cast in but someone else just fits better.
It is very easy for me to define my type in negatives, by the things I can't do. There are "obvious no" roles, and there are "roles I could theoretically play but am not a natural fit." The "obvious no" roles are things like Effie White or Lady Thiang. The theoretical-but-not-perfect roles are sometimes harder to define, especially to people not "in the business." It's a game of "just because I can doesn't mean I should."
For instance, I can hit the high notes, but I don't have the right "flavor" of soprano for Christine Daae. I can cut my hair and don overalls and Doc Martens, but I'm not convincingly butch enough to play Enid Hoopes. I can learn and capably execute most of the choreography in A Chorus Line, but I don't have the nuanced, expressive qualities required for Cassie or Sheila. I played Eva Perón in a community theatre setting ten years ago, and I'm still really proud of the work I did on that show, but I'm not Latina, so I wouldn't try to play the role in a professional production nowadays, because the culture has shifted to prioritizing ethnic authenticity in a way that historically we haven't. And sure, the real Eva was a white Latina with a similar ethnic background to mine, so my playing her is "passable" in that it's not as blatantly inappropriate as Effie or Thiang, but there's still a difference between being a "passable" fit and being the "right" fit. And those differences become all the more important when it comes to representing marginalized groups who have traditionally been denied opportunities to play roles that they are authentically right for. (See also: autistic actors.)
All this to say: between the shifts in the culture and my increased maturity and introspection as a theatremaker, I've gotten pretty good at typing myself out of things. But that still leaves a lot of stuff that I can do, and The Industry People™ expect me to define myself even more specifically within that pool. I am nowhere near as good at that as I think I'm supposed to be at this point in my career. What I think of my type still conflicts annoyingly often with what others think. Or at least what others think upon first impression.
As far as I can tell, the biggest reason for this is the "wait, how old are you?" factor. Apparently, I look a lot younger than I am. Okay, fine. I'm short and I moisturize. Presumably, this is a good thing, especially for women. Because, the patriarchy, I guess. But for me, it's been...confusing.
A common thread in my community theatre experience was, I would initially get cast in a "younger" role, and would then get to play the "adult" roles in later shows after the directors got to know me better. This was all well and good as a tiny baby actressling hungry for the diversity of experience, but those are the experiences that built my resume--and The Industry People™ have told me that from a professional standpoint, my resume gives them whiplash.
The same year I played Eva Perón, I played Logainne in Spelling Bee. The next year, I was in final callbacks for Star-to-Be in the national tour of Annie, but they also had me sing "Tomorrow" because they thought maybe I could swing for the orphans too. I was 28. The year I turned 30, I played a twelve-year-old Alice in Wonderland in a children's theatre production, and then played Amy in Company.
Then, I got my Equity card, which apparently knocked another fifteen-to-twenty years off my playable age. I am thirty-six. In the EPA casting breakdown for HTDIO swings, Jessica's age is listed as 20. Last week--last week--I was called in to read for a 16-year-old in a feature film.
And look, I'm not complaining about the teens-to-early-20s roles. They're not bad roles. I'll happily play them until you decide I can't get away with it anymore.
But it's getting really weird to still not be at that point, and to still not know when I will get to that point. It feels almost like I'm being gaslit. I say I want to audition for a role that's closer to my actual age, and someone says "oh no, you're far too young for that," and I say "I'm actually five years older than the age range listed," then they look at me like I have three heads. Like I'm the one who's confused about a basic, quantifiable numerical fact of my existence.
But what do they expect me to do? Lie about my age? I might have been able to get away with that before the Internet, but not now. One slip of "hokay, so here's the Earth" gives me away instantly.
So...where does this leave me and my whiplash resume?
Do I keep listing Alice and Logainne and Wednesday Addams and Iola the factory girl in Parade even though I know I'm too old for them now? How do I know when to remove them?
Do I keep listing the roles that are closer to my actual age--or roles that I was probably too young for when I played them but have now appropriately aged into--even though I know there will still be people who think I'm too young? How do I know when the pushback will stop?
And most of all, how do I know when it's finally okay to stop caring about any of this? Because I'm sick of caring about it, and so is every other actor in the world, because none of us signed up to care about it in the first place. I just originated a principal role on Broadway that defied all the odds of what people thought was possible on Broadway, and it's REALLY tempting to say "you know what, maybe this is just evidence that I'm a really good actress who can do a lot of different stuff, and I am not going to make other people's whiplash my problem anymore."
But...I don't think I get to do that yet.
I don't think the systematic machinations of the theatre industry have caught up with the multifaceted humanity of its actors.
I'm using this downtime to try to figure out what I can do to get there. For myself, and for all of us.
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Hug in A Letter // juhaknyeon x reader
Told in a series of letters. Haknyeon never thought he’d find the person that’s the sole reason he’s alive again, or that his life would continue… and yet, now he’s in university doing both those things.
Tags: ANGST, haknyeon x reader, FLUFF, lover from the past/meant to be type of romance, cold!reader, shy!hak
Warnings: scars on wrists and arms (cause unexplained), bullying, Y/n is a rigid bitch, miscommunication, love triangle but not really
W.c.:8.8k💗💞💗💗💞
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Y/n,
You probably don’t remember me, huh?
That’s a weird way to start a letter.
Why am I weird about this? It’s not like you’d ever read it…
Sorry, I’m not a letter guy. But I just had to talk to you and if it is in the form of unread ink then let it be. I just…
I never thought I’d see you again.
Really. You were an angel that appeared to me that winter day, purer than the snow around me, even when that dirty maroon blood was tainting it: you wiped the blood off my lips with the back of your hand, and when it stained your skin, I pulled away you said:
It’ll be okay.
That’s what you said.
Today you were with your friends when I saw you. We’re in the same year. Of course we’re in the same year. It’s not news to me. It’s just…
You joined the photography club. I realized it when you were behind me, signing up for the same thing. You wrote your name under mine, and for a minute I just gawked, before I told myself to keep walking. I don’t want you to hate me.
My father’s been telling me I need to socialize like a real college student, that if I keep acting like a loser that’s all I’ll ever be. He says I should stop acting so haunted by the past, because nothing can hurt me now, but I always feel like I’m still in that snow. Not that I’m doing this for him. I’m not even doing it to see you—I know you would never like me, of course I do. I’m just… Photography sounds fun. It’s something I used to enjoy, before I became The Monster That Fails to Enjoy Anything.
Legitimate title. My sister made it up on our family vacation.
I’m still recoiling from the whiplash of having you stand there, right in front of me, or well, behind me once I turned around, anyway.
I must have turned around with my head down for a long time, because when I looked up you were walking with your friend, ahead of me.
Already people were whispering things about you, things I knew and didn’t know, like: you’ve spent a good chunk of your life overseas (knew that), your brother Younghoon is a model (knew that), your family’s famous (which I knew, more or less).
The Photography club wanted to initiate us this very night, and just before I got into the hall they rented for this, I kind of wanted to back out. Just walk backwards, say sorry, no one would miss me anyway. I wanted to see you, y/n, but also… I didn’t…
I was just scared. You’d think I’d get over all these fears after everything that happened, but really I just became more and more of a clockwork robot broken by anxiety.
One of the initial seniors from the photography club convinced me to go.
“N-no,” I said, “I’m okay.” These days my voice doesn’t reach as loud, but I hoped it was loud enough to hear—only, of course, he doesn’t care what I want.
“Come on!” His name was Jaehyun. “It’s more fun the more people we have, you’ll have fun.” I guess I got the better end of it, because the female members he recruited and persuaded into attending the club night by several winks and… this weird flirty thing he does with his eyes that makes them fall all over him.
But he knew I was nervous, so he walked me into the club, and was also the one to offer me a seat next to him, in the front row in front of the stage.
I didn’t get to look back into the crowd to see if you were there, so I tried to concentrate on the group activities, which is something I should do if I’m trying to be normal, and there was:
President Choi Chanhee, who was actually a photography major already signed to some art gallery that wants to show his photos
Ahn Sohyun, the vice-president of the club, an impressive feat since she was only a year above us.
And the new freshmen introduced themselves one by one: me, Donghyuck, Kevin Moon, a girl named Rachel, Changmin… you.
You mumbled your name like you were embarrassed to be here but I heard it nonetheless, and when you were speaking I finally got a chance to look at you—not to be creepy, but… to make sure it was you.
I mean, of course it is. You look like you, and your name… I guess I was just never sure if you existed for real, like you’re someone I only see on TV, so whenever you’re in the same room with me, it’s just…
The freshmen started to dance and have snacks after that, classic initiation night, I guess. It’s the end of summer but still feels like the middle of it, and the night was hot and everyone’s already discarded their jackets in a pile.
I’m the only one still standing with my hoodie zipped all the way up.
At first I tried to look for you, but I quickly gave up. I don’t even know what I’d say to you. It would be weird if I just kept sitting when everyone was either drinking or eating or dancing, so I tried to walk around, keeping my eyes on the ground—it’s a habit I learned a long time ago, a habit I can’t unlearn because eye contact scares me—and then I spot you, you’re talking to Choi Chanhee, about his photos and his major. I don’t even know what your major is.
The party transformed completely into a dance thing, and everyone was now crowding around the stage, where they encouraged freshmen to get up and dance, one by one. You were spared the treatment, because everyone was rather afraid of you, or were in awe—either way, you didn’t need to subject yourself to embarrassment like that.
Someone pushed me into the stage lights, I guess it was my turn–and I just froze there, on stage, and everyone’s looking. I search for you but I can’t see through the blinding lights.
“Haknyeon’s cute,” someone says.
“Haknyeon-ah! Do you have abs?”
“Show us!”
I tried to get off the stage, but just like 5 years ago I’m pushed back, there’s no way to escape, and I’m back under the lights again, and everyone’s laughing—not at me, I know that, but there’s no way to control the rapid beating of my heart.
“You’re sweating.” Rachel reached over and pulled the zipper of my hoodie down, and then quickly, with action that shows she works the coat room at restaurants, slid the hoodie off my sleeves.
I should have worn a long sleeved shirt. But I like the one I had on then, you know? I like the color of it…
At home I just walk around with short sleeves, sometimes less—my scars don’t scare me, and I’ve been living with them for, like, 4 years? 5? It’s just a part of me now. All the itching and extra skin and discoloration, it’s a part of me now.
I guess when people see it it makes them want to touch and observe me like a lab rat.
But everybody in the room did that side-eyed glance at my scars, the kind where they’re apologetic about the curiosity, but they still stare—
And that’s when I realized all the attention was on me. Even you—you were watching me, too, except you didn’t have that friendly, initiation-night smile like everybody. You had a blank stare, dark eyes like doll’s eyes, so tough but stunning. And you looked like you were bored of me, which, I have to admit, I’m bored of myself too.
But everybody else certainly wasn’t bored. They were intrigued, disgusted, whatever else—by the scars on my arms. I gingerly put my hoodie back on, while you just looked away.
So you don’t remember me?
Rachel was the one that handed me the hoodie back—it wouldn’t help me now, but it would palliate the staring—and when I looked back at you, you’re talking to Chanhee again, although he looked distracted.
The party went on all night, and I had half a mind to just stay for half of it, and after the scar thing no one talked to me, anyway. There was free beer, though, so I drank a little. It would be weird if I walked out after that scene—but also no one was talking to me.
I lounged around for a bit in the room, but suddenly someone takes me by the arm, and I’m walking unwillingly out the hall.
It’s Ji Changmin, who is nice enough. He grins at me. “We needed some fresh air,” he says, “here, I bought you your own cold one.” It was a beer.
It was club night all over campus, so there were people from every club walking around us, as we sat on a bench behind the garden statue, shrouded in the dark.
“It’s alright,” Changmin told me. “It’s not on you that everyone is a freak.”
I don’t like that word, as much as I use it on me. Plus, the fact that they stare makes me the freak, not them.
“If they stare, it’s because they’re mannerless bastards. Not because of anything you did.”
We just sipped from our cans in turn, sometimes talking about our lives, as we introduced ourselves to the other. Changmin initially wanted to join the dance club, but apparently he was ‘overqualified’ and Chanhee, the president, asked him to join his club, ‘on knifepoint’, he says, “he was literally pointing a pair of scissors at me when he asked me to join.”
As we sat in the dark, people would pass by, sometimes talking about me.
“Did you see the scars on him?” comes a voice, and Changmin saw me cowering in my seat, although we were covered by the statue and they couldn’t see that I was sitting right there. He nodded at me to be quiet, it would be over, anyway. “He must be sick—do you think someone did it to him?”
“Maybe he did it himself. Look at the look in his eyes—crazy son of a bitch.” I held my breath until those people had passed by.
Changmin sighed at me. Clinked our beer cans together. “Here’s to this semester—at least you’re being talked about.”
We both walked back to our dorms later that night, but with a group from the club. I’m finally included in a group, again… it feels good. But I know you went back in that blue racecar-looking… thing… that’s way too cool to be called a car, and I know you have an apartment somewhere close but also expensive. Tonight, like always, that day flashes by in my eyes, and like always, I wonder, why me? Why did you save me? Were you just bored? Righteous? I can’t think of more reasons.
I don’t know how to sign this letter so I’ll just write:
From,
Haknyeon
.
Dear Y/N,
I guess you’re looking out for me, even till now. You’re really a nice person. I can’t even stop telling you how nice of a person you are, if only I could get the words out… if only we could talk.
Changmin is still the only person that talks to me. It’s great that we’re in the same major together, and although you’re not, your name is the only thing on everybody’s lips. It’s quite a major feat.
“Y/N spent half her life in America.”
“Y/N’s brother, Younghoon, is an international model.”
“Y/n’s a bitch.”
This statement broke through the gossip that started before the lecture, and I almost turned around to see the source of it, because who’s saying that—but I fought the urge, I was going to lay low, anyway, plus I can’t act like I know you, because I don’t.
“What do you mean, she’s a bitch?” someone asks. Thank God, I’m not the only one with questions.
“Did you see the way she didn’t talk to anybody except for the club president, Chanhee? She’s only interested in connections.”
“Of course, she’s raised like that… rich people have no manners.”
“She told me to shut up this morning—like, real mean, glaring, ‘shut the fuck up’. And she stared down everybody at my table—that qualifies as bitchy, doesn’t it?”
“Jeez, what were you saying?”
“I was just saying—” the guy’s voice drops to a lower octave, but the lecture hall was dead silent that I could hear: “—was just saying Juhaknyeon’s weird, that everyone saw his arms last night, and it’s covered in scars, just discussing it, civilly.”
“And she told you to shut up?!” someone asks in shock.
“She threw a coke can at me. ‘Shut the fuck up’ real messed up, angry voice.”
Someone laughs. “Does Y/N L/N like that guy? Like, for real? Because why else would she—”
“Who knows? But they filmed him taking his jacket off, didn’t you know?” someone says. “Everyone in the uni knows he’s a freak—no matter what Y/N has to say about it.”
I guess I’m screwed. I guess we’re both screwed. But… is it okay that I feel a little happy about this? I always knew I would have a hard time fitting in, but the fact that you’re trying to defend me makes me happy. That I’m kind of in this with you—you, and Changmin.
I guess it kind of makes me a loser if I keep thinking of you as a friend. We haven’t even talked.
Anyway, thank you.
From,
Haknyeon
.
Dear Y/N,
I don’t get it. Why are you doing this to me?
The more I think about it, the more it looks like it’s just a long-winded joke. Your brother or someone set you up to this. It’s surprising that you’re here, but more surprising that you act like you know me.
We don’t know each other. I keep telling myself that.
Today is club day, and they’re going to a village somewhere in the rural parts, apparently there’s a waterfall there. Chanhee funded the trip, but needs more people to sign up. I almost didn't go, no one asked me specifically, and Changmin’s not going, either. I wanted to lay low.
I thought you were going, but soon Sohyun and Rachel cornered you and asked if you would. You looked annoyed. You always do, but…
“Ask Haknyeon,” you told Rachel. “If he goes I’ll go too.” And then you slammed your locker shut.
Of course that day only ended with Rachel, Yunjin, Sakura, all the other boys and girls with a crush on you, cornering me and asking me to go on the trip.
It’s funny, because they never even considered me as part of the club, and now they’re begging me, “Haknyeon it’ll be so fun. You’re one of us!” It’s… hilarious. If only I still had a heart to laugh…
But all this socialization in my life trained me into being unable to say no as an answer… so of course I’m going, and I told them that. Rachel excitedly walked off to tell you—I don’t know what your face looked like when she told you.
Why would you do this to me? Why would you mention me by name and force me into that? It’s strange, Y/N, do you still see me as that boy in the snow? That I’m weak, that you could destroy me?
You could destroy me, I know that. But why would you want to? I thought you were nice to me.
I guess I’m going… on that bus with the rest of the club on that long winded road. To a motel surrounded by farms. I still don’t understand why you mentioned me, except if it were some sick joke.
I guess I’ll see you on the bus.
From,
Juhaknyeon
.
Dear Y/n,
Fuck. Did we just fight? What is this?
I’m writing this on my notes app in the back of the bus while that guy Donghyuck’s beside me, eyes closed, trying to sleep. I don’t even feel like this is secure enough of a position to write to you, because what if the words mirror off the window and everyone can see?
But I’m hiding and writing.
Why am I such an idiot? There’s no one I want to meet more than myself, so I could beat him up. I’d skin him from the inside out if I could, that bastard.
So today started with the bus ride—I mean, literally started, I wasn’t even awake until the bus started moving—and I was completely resigned to my fate, this would be three whole days of torture, living with people, riding a bus through roads that could make the strongest stomachs carsick… hotel food… the list goes on.
You enter the bus with a frown and your bag, and sit in a single seat at the front. I gawked at you for a second, before I realized that other people could see me looking and draw conclusions.
So I sat in a four-seater, don’t know how I ended up there—with Donghyuck and Rachel and Sakura.
“Does y/n like you?” Donghyuck asked somewhere along the ride, just when we were starting to doze off.
I just shifted in my seat, not making eye contact. I think someone needs to teach me the art of eye contact again, because now people’s gazes scare me, especially kids my age. It’s like they’re searching for a way to bring me down, they could get up at the next move and just—I feel safer with my eyes closed or on the ground. “No,” I answered. Well, it had been more like, n-n-n-no.
“I mean it just doesn’t make sense. She doesn’t even smile to anyone, but with you—” Donghyuck sucked in a breath. The others with him just nodded along. “She even told Sohyun she’s not going on this trip if you don’t come, isn’t that weird?”
“Maybe she didn’t want Hak to be left out?” suggests Rachel. “Because of freak-rumors and such?”
“You must think she’s an angel or something,” says Sakura. “Y/N’s so nice to you, isn’t she? She made sure you got on this trip.”
Just as I feared: food from unrated restaurants in the middle of nowhere. The bus stops for relief, and we eat, if Changmin were here maybe I would be more comfortable but I’m just sitting with Donghyuck and the girls, we ordered bibimbap, which even the four of us couldn’t finish.
You sat away from everybody, in a solitary table eating nothing. You bought a coke bottle, though, and kept drinking. I stared at you for a bit, which made Donghyuck nudge Sakura. “They’re in love,” he told her. “It’s some secret relationship.”
Our secret relationship came to this.
I cornered you beside the bus stop where you were washing your hands; everybody was still eating. You glared at me when I came near, so I knew I wasn’t welcome, but I was kind of mad at you, too, so:
“Why are you doing this to me?” was my first question. I didn’t mean for it to come out like a demanding challenge.
“Doing ‘this’ to ‘you’?”
“Why did you tell them you’d only go if I came?” You looked even more annoyed than before, so I go on: “is this… a joke? Did someone put you up to this? Are you trying to hurt—”
“Idiot,” you sneered under your breath. “Fucking idi—I didn’t want to come, as you can see, I didn’t think you would! I just said that so we could both stay home, but who fucked it up, Haknyeon, who?” You kicked at the wall in front of you angrily, and I stepped back a little, trying to give an angry person space. You just rolled your eyes, and then walked past me, colliding first into my shoulder deliberately.
When we all get back on the bus, you’re in your single-seat, sunglasses on, with a frown on your face. Someone asked you “who shit in your coffee?” and you snarled through gritted teeth, “shut the fuck up.”
Now I’m here sitting beside Donghyuck. Did we fight? Do we even know each other well enough to fight?
I just don’t get it. I hate myself for fighting with you, I should have kept my mouth shut. I don’t know why I started it in the first place—it’s not like I’ll ever get real answers, anyway. I should have shut up, now I feel like I’ve lost your trust, and whatever you felt when you were protecting me, you wouldn’t do it again.
I really hate myself right now.
From,
Juhaknyeon
.
Dear Y/N,
You’re sleeping 4 feet away from me right now, which is, well, cool, but I’m gonna stay awake all night to make sure you’re safe. The latch to the door is broken for some reason, adding to my vigilance. Plus everyone in the club is horribly drunk, so I…
I’m gonna stay awake. Gives me more time to write this letter, anyway.
Just to recap because I feel like we might forget how we ended up here:
The bus ride was horrible. It’s more horrible that we’re gonna have to ride it all over again when we get back to the city later, it gave everyone motion sickness. No one’s prepared for the ride home.
But we saw the waterfalls! Well, the rest of us did, anyway. You stayed on the bus playing games on your phone. I snooped around and gawked a little–it’s one of those dashing games. I guess even that monotony is better than hanging out with the rest of us, huh.
Chanhee loves the waterfalls (read: took 19,686 pictures). Everyone did, actually. You can’t see anything from the bus, but inside there’s a stream and it’s really pretty. Everyone swam. Except me, I guess, you can probably guess why I didn’t.
And then we drove to the motel, where we were planning to get drunk for the whole night. I thought it’d make everything weird if I went, so I didn’t go. I just sat in the motel room, charging my phone. Thinking of writing you another letter, but I don’t even know what I’d say.
The guys went out to drink around 9. At 10, there’s a knock on the door—the latch is broken, so it just slides to the side.
Your head poked in. “Oh, you.”
I gawked at you wordlessly, pathetically actually. But you didn’t hate me so much. “Can I stay here for a bit? It’s scary in my room.”
I nodded, and you came in, immediately lying down on the mattress they laid down for us. “Aren’t you gonna get some shut-eye, too?” you asked me.
I just shook my head. We stayed there in silence for so long. I wanted to ask why you didn’t go to drink, but I couldn’t get it out, couldn’t get myself to speak to you. You let me do my thing, which was staring at my phone like it’s the most interesting thing in the world, when really all I wanted to do was stare at your face. Ask you questions. All about you, all about that day in the snow.
You spoke first, though. I never speak. “I’m sorry about earlier today.”
I wasn’t expecting an apology at all, so I’m surprised. “Huh?” finally, some sound from me.
“I was just… I didn’t eat anything, so I guess I was hangry. It’s fucked up. I shouldn’t have yelled at you.”
I shrugged. “Used to it.”
“You shouldn’t have to be used to people treating you like that.”
You looked at me in a special, peculiar way. Not hating but also not enjoying my company. You saw me scratching the tag on my back, it’s hot and I’m covered in sweat. And I’m still wearing a jacket over my shirt. “Take it off,” you say, “the motel heating is fucking off its rocks, it’s like 30 degrees in here.”
I just shook my head and mumbled it’s not hot at all, but…
You crawled over to me and swiped the sweat off my forehead. “It’s just the two of us here, Haknyeon.”
I gripped at my sleeves. “No…”
You gave up easily, thank God. You sat back on the mattress. “Fine, I guess. I’m sleepy.”
“Do you remember me?” I ask out of the blue, and it should have been quiet, I didn’t even mean it for you to hear, I was just wondering it to myself, it’s become a habit of speaking my thoughts out loud because usually no one’s around to hear…
“Do you know me?” you asked in return, louder than me this time.
I looked away. “No.” Which was true, I didn’t know you other than that day and chance sightings, and I’m not delusional enough to force a connection.
“I’m sleeping,” you say. “I trust you, so I’ll just sleep here. Is that okay?”
I said yeah, and then you’re curled up with a pillow. I dug up a fan from the closet and plugged it in facing you so you’d be a little cool. I’m still keeping my jacket on, though. It just gets weird if anyone sees it, even you, who knows how I got them.
Thank you for trusting me.
From,
Haknyeon
[continued on back page]
Okay, I just… I’m having flashbacks again, as bad as it is. You’re still asleep. I’m writing this in the small flashlight, in case turning the big lights on would wake you up. There’s been a few club people coming back to sleep, but I won’t let them in my room—not unless it’s a girl that I can trust around you anyway, but neither Rachel nor Sohyun are back.
5 years ago was the worst year of my life. I guess it was always like that since I was a kid, people didn’t seem to take my side in fights, or I was always under the upperhand… but it didn’t get as bad as freshman year of high school.
On the day you talked to me, it was snowing.
Winter may be the cruelest month to do these things in. One time I stood wearing a mere short-sleeved school shirt in ankle-high snow, with the boys all standing around me—my puffer jacket was clogging the toilet in a stall on the second floor—and they were saying “it’s not that cold,” all the while wearing 4 layers, the pure irony. And the snow fell all around us.
On the day you talked to me, they weren’t around. I was bleeding from my head, I swear the blood was frozen and congealed with my eyelashes, everything was just cold and painful, and I was wearing one jacket. Hands in my pockets. They’d intimidated me into kneeling in the snow, and demanded that I kneeled there until they came back. It was almost past lunch, and they would either actually come back to torment me more or just go back to their classes, mindless of me.
I tried to report them, a few times. I tried to get my parents to help me. It was always the same thing—even the bullies themselves wouldn’t come to the office with me, it would be the students’ representative, which happened to be your brother, Younghoon–he’d apologize, and do nothing. He just kept saying “we’re all friends. We just need to respect each other.” to me, as if I was the one needing to respect people.
You walked up to me, that day in the snow. It was lunch time, and everyone was eating inside, I know students stared but they never got closer. But you did.
“Get up,” was what you said. Just like now, today, you’re impossible to read. I thought you were angry at me—I’ve seen you before, I know you’re Younghoon’s sister, I know nobody could help me, so…
“Get up, let’s go to the hospital.”
I didn’t move. If anything, I kneeled firmer than before, sinking into the snow, head facing the ground. I’m meant to be sorry, although I don’t know for what.
“Get up!” you yelled at me. “If you won’t get up, you’re gonna get sicker.”
You kneeled down with me, and I opened my mouth, I said, “don’t,” the sound got away from us with the wind and you didn't hear it.
You wiped the blood off my brows. “It’ll be okay.” It was staining your hands, and then it fell onto the snow, maroon against pure white. I was the one dirtying it.
That’s when I looked up at you, finally, although I wasn’t supposed to. “Kneel with your head bowed” had been the order. But when I looked…
You looked angry. “Get up,” you said again, this time with your arm hooking with mine to pull me up. And yet, I planted myself on the ground, afraid they would hurt us both if you got me.
“Juhaknyeon, please.” You knew my name. That was the most surprising part of it. “Get up, come on.”
Tears and blood congealed and froze around my temples, I don’t know what I’m doing. Crying icicle tears and still planting my knees on the ground. I can’t get up, I can’t.
You gave up eventually, and I didn’t watch it happen—I kept my eyes on the ground. Praying for something. But when you came all my prayers were answered, and after that… they never bothered me again.
I don’t know what you did, but I know you did something. It was you. You did more than Younghoon ever could, you saved me.
I’m always going to see you as an angel, that day in the snow. I’m sorry my blood stained you, it was dirty. I’m trying to never bleed that way again. Thank you for then. I think you might be the sole reason I’m alive. Now I have to protect you, which is why I’m here staying up. In the moonlight, the outline of your nose is really pretty.
That’s creepy to say. I just wanted to compliment you, sorry.
Note to self: just so I remember to tell you: Rachel eventually came back to the bedrooms and I let her sleep in the same room with you, warning her that the latch to the door is broken. Writing this in my own room with Kevin and Chanhee. It smells like soju here it’s unbearable. I hope you’re sleeping well, though, good night.
—Hak
.
Dear Y/N,
Are we friends now? It feels like I need a bigger audacity to assume that. An audacity I don’t have.
I guess if the things that happened to me didn’t happen, I would be a happy person. Someone who easily makes friends, someone kind… As much as I wish I were that person, I also don’t want someone else to go through what I did. I guess I just think that I can take the worst of it. Anyway, today it really feels like the worst of it is over. Changmin texted me ‘hey loser, how was the trip’ and I wrote back. I finally have a friend… or friends, since the whole club is so nice to me.
I don’t know why, but they’re a little iffy about you. I find it weird they think badly about you, but when I try to defend you it just makes things worse. I would tell people that you helped me out back in high school, but… I don’t know if you’d like to let people know we’ve known each other that long.
Man, you can sleep. You sat on the bus with your head resting on the window, and just went to sleep. It’s not even like you’re part of the hangover crowd, which everybody is, because just look at Chanhee. I’ve never seen eyes that tired.
You pulled me in to sit with you, though, and like everything you do, I don’t understand it. I just sit quietly. Writing to Changmin on the phone, which I have all sounds off and set on vibrate mode, so it doesn’t disturb you. Everyone’s quiet, and the bus curtains are drawn.
Some time along the ride, your sleeping figure started to lean on me. You were asleep, I’m sure, and that moment was when I let myself dream…
In the universe where I was never hurt, I have an audacity big enough to believe I should be the one kissing your lips. I ask you out. You fall asleep on me, just like this. You put your hand in mine. You feel my forehead by pressing yours against it when I get sick. When I lean into you, you won’t pull away—because I’m not a loser with scars. Because I’m not me. And that’s the only way you’d ever like me.
I thought no one saw us, that we were shrouded on the dark bus… but I guess everyone saw. When we’re on campus again, Donghyuck and the others teased me about it, some of them clasping my arm in a side-hug.
“Juhaknyeon, what the hell did you do that the ice princess is all over you?”
I don’t know, either. I just don’t know why you would keep helping me all this time.
From,
Hak
.
Dear Y/N,
Okay, I feel like I need to apologize for my earlier wishful behavior that you were mine, because today you came to the club meeting with your boyfriend.
Of course you have a boyfriend. I shouldn’t be surprised. I guess it’s a good pairing, too, because Youngjae is bright, happy, so funny, and his family is just as affluent as yours. I guess he’s the exact type you should ever go for.
But anyway Youngjae arrived at our club meeting today all flashy, and Chanhee was over the moon because apparently they know each other. Youngjae’s parents own a gallery and everything, and they talked for a bit. You looked so happy and bright, bragging about your boyfriend. “This is Eric! He and I got close when I was studying in L.A.”
And Eric mingled with the club, everyone likes him. Some people thought we were a budding love triangle, though, if only they knew how we were really connected. They’d just feel bad for me, hoping on someone just because they saved my life once.
“Ayy,” someone went, whistling over the club sounds, “what about Juhaknyeon… he’s gonna be heart broken his princess has someone like Eric.”
“Are you jealous, Hak?”
I just shook my head.
But later when we’re partnering up for the club projects, you jumped over to my desk and said you wanted me as a partner. I guess you really do think of me as a friend—which I’m happy about! If nothing else at least we’re friends.
So now we’re partners in this project. Chanhee gifted me a camera to use for the club—he has many, he says. I would be bragging about it to you, but Eric’s around, and… I didn’t want to complicate things for you.
Eric tried to talk to me, though, which I found weird. He asked me about my major, how life is, and all that. Do you talk to him about me? I guess it’s only natural… But at the end of it, he told me, “I think you’re a good guy, Hak.” I guess that means he trusts me around you?
I kind of feel bad for wishing you were mine, because I don’t know, it just feels wrong now, and I’m sorry. Anyway, in other news, Sohyun asked me out today. She wanted to know straight up if we ‘wanted to try’ to date, and I said yes, I mean… just for the experience? Plus she’s always nice. I want to thank you for always being kind to me, though, because without you I wouldn’t have the confidence to go out with her.
I’ll try to actually talk to you sometime.
From,
Your Hak
.
Dear Y/N,
Eric was kind of aggressive towards me when I saw him at the end of all my classes, in the parking lot. I don’t even know why, because I just found out you two aren’t dating, so… why was he so mean, out of nowhere?
I guess I want to ask you but I don’t want to make you mad, either.
You looked actually happy when I met you for the project today. The whole catch is that we don’t have to do anything, really, for the club, our photos probably won’t even be selected for Chanhee’s project. But I tell you this and you said:
“No way! You like taking photos, so we’re gonna take your work to the gallery!”
You weren’t frowning or cursing when you said that, and you seem… not mad. Maybe I am a good influence around you, haha.
I should ask about you and Youngjae, I thought, so I did, “so you must be really glad Eric flew all the way here from L.A.? What are you guys doing?”
The same expression on your face that resembled gray clouds. “We’re just hanging out.”
Okay…
“So how long have you been dating?”
You gasped. “Wait you thought—”
I’m embarrassed for embarrassing you. “You’re not—?!”
“Eric’s a friend.” You frowned, looking down at the ground. You didn’t meet my eyes for a long time. “You thought we were dating? And you were happy about it?”
I don’t understand why you’d be upset that I’m happy for you… I didn’t say that, though. I just shrugged. “Sorry, it’s just—you two looked really close, and when you introduced him—”
“And you were happy I’m taken?” you shrugged my hand off you, and I didn’t put it on your shoulder a second time. “Anyway. We’ll take pictures good enough to get into Chanhee’s collection, alright?”
“I think we should make you the subject,” I told you. “You’re the prettiest thing anyone can photograph…” I trailed off. I wished I hadn’t said that, and anyway you barely heard me.
But you did hear me, though. You barked out a horrible laugh. “I guess now that you know I’m single, you can flirt all you want, huh?”
I tried to defend myself: “I wasn’t flirting, I was just saying you’re—”
You didn’t listen to me, you were playing with your camera.
You were in a good mood, up until lunch time. I sat with the photography club, and you mindlessly followed me there with your tray. The usual gossip ensued, but I wasn’t paying attention to it, I was just looking over at you. If you were eating well.
Sakura mentions my name and I suddenly get sucked back to reality. “So, Haknyeon and Sohyun are a thing now, right?”
“Holding hands~” Donghyuck teases, “there’s a photo of you two in the campus couples’ instagram.”
“Congratulations, you two…”
I looked away, unable to take the attention, and across from me Sohyun smiled. “Thanks, you guys…”
“Haknyeon and Sohyun?” I’ve never heard your voice so small, it made me cock my head to the side to watch you speak. You’re standing with your back turned to me. “They’re dating?”
“Holding hands,” says Rachel.
“Ah, Y/N’s sad~ She likes Haknyeon,” someone says.
You glared at Sohyun. “You think I don’t see right through you?” you hissed at her, and then you stood up, with a tray of half-eaten food, and walked off. I should have tried to stop you, because you never eat well, but Sohyun tried to talk to me now, and I can’t just shrug her off, we’re sort of an item now. I tried to text you, though, and you didn't reply. I’m still waiting on the text about the project.
Which brings me to my next recount: I don’t know what’s with it, but, like, Eric was kind of aggressive towards me when I saw him at the parking lot today. He bumped into my shoulder, actually rather harshly, and went: “next time think about what you’re doing.” What does he mean? I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong, per se, at least to him…?
Anyway, I’m still waiting on your text. I’m thinking, I’ll really have you read all these letters, just so you can understand me better. I don’t like it when we fight.
Anyway, I’m sorry. If you’re in a bad mood you can come to me, though. :)
Your Haknyeon
.
Dear Y/N,
This is a joke. I might never forget this conversation, it’s riding my mind and I can’t—
Y/n, you’re lying, there’s no way that
This is killing me.
When you met me today you’re actually in a good mood. You don’t even always dress like this… colorful, like spring flowers. You look pretty.
Words just flow and flow out of you, and sometimes you’d ask me about Sohyun.
(“Did you go on a date with her?” “Yeah” *snort* “That’s great.”)
I asked you why you didn’t bring your camera, and you shrugged. “It was actually Eric’s. I don’t actually own a camera—I don’t like taking photos.”
“But the club—?”
“Listen,” you said, “I might have learned the basics on lighting and angles, but I have no interest in photography and my gallery on my phone is all empty—I don’t even have an instagram.”
“I don’t have insta either—Wait, you don’t like photos?” I asked. “Then why did you—come here? This far? Join the club?”
“You were in line,” you say. “In front of me. I saw you, so I… signed up right after you.”
“What?”
“I like you.”
I made a noise that’s somewhere between a gasp and a cry. I don’t ask ‘what’ again, even though we both know that’s what I’m thinking.
“Haknyeon,” you say, “no matter how anti-social everybody else in the world thinks I am, I still try to be your friend, don’t I? I’m the one making the first move everywhere with you—I ask you to sit next to me on the bus, I invite you to parties myself, I asked you to be my project partner.”
“Y-yeah,” I say slowly, camera dropping to hang on my neck heavily. Nervous, so I’m playing with my hands. “Um… why do you do that?”
“Because I like you,” you insist. I’m dumbfounded, but you look angry that I’m dumbfounded and don’t believe you.
“You like me?” I probe, “After you’ve seen me in the snow—after you saw me like that, all… hurt…”
“I've liked you since then,” you say. “Actually, even before that. Before we even met in the snow. I always knew who you were, and liked you.”
I just gawk wordlessly until it makes you roll your eyes.
“Well,” you say, sighing, “you have a girlfriend, so I’m confessing. I know nothing will come out of it.”
“You don’t know,” I said suddenly, before I could stop myself.
“Don’t know what?”
“My pain. You don’t know how bad it is, how painful it was, so… you can’t like me. Because you don’t know me.”
You scoffed. “Yeah. I guess. I don’t know anything, huh.”
But I was wrong, Y/N, which I just decided I am, after I’m in bed thinking about today. I was wrong. I mean, there’s no way you like me, maybe you’re confused—a 5-year-old confusion. But I was wrong to assume you had no pain in your life. The way you glared at me when I said it just says it all. I was wrong to say that… But I guess now I can't take what I said back.
From,
Hak
.
Dear Y/N,
I have a feeling I might need to talk to you instead of writing letters I’ll never send. Maybe this will be the last one.
I just needed to talk to you about Sohyun.
We’re not dating anymore. I don't know what you'll think, it’s not like you were betting on us failing, but… well, nothing could keep us together! Not when Sohyun only wanted me to one-up you, anyway—and, yes, I knew it all along. I just pretended to be an idiot for a bit. I thought…
Nevermind what I thought.
What were you thinking?
Sohyun and I met at the school cafe after dark. She was angry, and I swear something was off, and one of her acrylic nails was broken. She was fuming when she stormed towards me, it was almost scary. “I’m going to fucking kill Y/N L/n!”
I’m always a little guarded for you, so I ask what happened.
“She attacked me,” Sohyun insisted. “She yelled at me—oh, I am writing this on the college forum, let everybody know what a fucking freak that girl is—she gets everywhere because her family’s famous, she’s arrogant, you know—”
“What did you do?” I asked out of the blue, just because I wanted to know, but she changed her entire demeanor at me, like a bird with ruffled feathers. A fight.
“What?” she spoke with narrowed eyes (that was about the time I realized I fucked up), “What does it matter what I did? She came over to my table and yelled insults at me.”
“What did you do that made her mad?” I asked. It might have been the most engaged I’ve ever been in any conversation with Sohyun, and it pains me to admit it’s about you.
“I’m dating you, if someone attacks me this way, you’re supposed to protect me,” Sohyun says adamantly, wringing her wrists everywhere. I think she might be madder at me than at you. “What kind of boyfriend—do you know what I go through trying to support you, walking on eggshells about those ugly fucking scars all over you, everyone thinks I’m a saint, so you should also—”
“Okay,” I say.
“I’m just saying, I do it out of the goodness of my heart, Haknyeon. Not just being your friend, but also trying to be your girlfriend.”
“Well you don’t have to be either.”
She gasps. “I am not getting dumped by a—” She hurled insults at me, one after another, that I was barely even sorry for her anymore. At the end of it, I smiled. My first real smile in a while.
“Dump me, then. Whatever you feel fits. I’m going home.” It was the most damage I could do, with my character. Somebody else would have hurt her more. I slinged my bag over my shoulder, and walked out on her.
I think I might need to give up on the Photography Club. I made an enemy out of the vice president, after all. It’s funny, it genuinely brought me joy, but I don’t feel bad when I think about leaving.
Because you don’t like it there, either.
—Your Hak
You’re sitting on a bench outside of the dorms, even though you don’t live there. It wasn’t the first time. You know Haknyeon’s window has to be somewhere in the visible lighted up windows, and sometimes you walk by, just to see if it’s still lighted up, or if it’s off, he’s sleeping, or sitting in the dark. As creepy as that is. You’ve always been curious about him, ever since high school. After that day in the snow, you threatened his bullies. You had to move away to America after that, but you made Younghoon keep an eye on them, never hurt a hair on Haknyeon’s head ever again.
You liked him for so long, and you hoped, if you ever did meet again, you’d at least have the courage to say hi. But it really happened, and the first night you saw him again, you couldn’t gather the courage. Instead you talked to Chanhee, and everybody else, just anyone but him. You couldn’t gather the strength.
You only loved him in the only way you knew how: protecting him. Telling people off when they used him as a gossip tool. When Sohyun used him… you fought back. That’s how you ended up here, in front of his dorms, with a swollen eyelid.
It’s necessary to mention you’ve never been in a fight before.
“What are you doing here?”
That’s Haknyeon deep voice, which you recognized immediately. With a sigh, you turn around.
“It’s not so I can see you, trust me.”
Back to his withdrawn character, he balances himself on his heels, mumbling, “why fight?”
“I think you mean ‘why did you fight’?” He kept staring at the ground. “Your taste is girlfriends is horrible…” You tutted. But your eye was hurting. “Do you have an ice pack or something? My eye really hurts.” Which was half truth but half just wanting to spend time with him.
Haknyeon takes you to a convenience store in the corner of the building block, and basically nurses you, carefully pressing the ice pack to your eye.
“How could her nail just scratch you?”
“Ow,” you say, “be gentle.”
“By the way, you’re really bad at fighting.”
“I literally fought her for y—” you stop yourself. “I mean. I just… she’s annoying.”
“I never realized.”
“Yeah, your perfect little girlfriend, huh?” you scoffed.
Haknyeon smiled like he had a secret, as he hummed, pressing the pack to your eye. “It must really hurt…”
“I think you’re been in more pain than me.” It just slipped out of your mouth, so you backpedal. “I mean… fuck, what’s wrong with me?”
“So you do remember everything,” he concluded.
“I don’t forget anything about you, actually. Not since the day we met—but meeting you here was an accident, I thought I’d have to search through facebook or insta to get your contact back again.”
“Well, I don’t use instagram so you’re lucky we met here…” Haknyeon smiled, expression warm and the ice pack on your face lessening the swelling. “Do you really mean it, that you’ve liked me since high school?”
“Every day since I met you. It’s love at first sight.”
“You don’t look like the type to believe in it, funnily.” He looks up at you, grinning. He’s never looked at you this way before—his eyes had some wonder in them. Like the space between stars, dark under the streetlight shade. “I don’t have a girlfriend, if you were wondering.”
Doubtfully, you quirk an eyebrow at him. “For real?”
“I decided ice princesses are better than universal-nice girls.” Haknyeon grinned at you. “I’m not… I’m not saying I need an answer straight away, though. It’s fine if you’ve changed your mind—”
“Haknyeon,” you say, “I made up my mind 5 years ago, when I saw you in the snow.” You reach over and swipe at the hair on his forehead, just like you wiped the blood back then. “Is this okay?” you ask, inching closer towards him.
“It’s okay.” His eyes closed, as if he’s trying to feel the moment with every cell in his body, and you take the opportunity to kiss him, closed eyelids and soft lips.
When you pull away, you swear you’ve never seen Haknyeon so smiley. Which makes you gloat. “Let’s see Sohyun top that,” you hissed under your breath. Ha! You kissed your crush of 5 years.
And you would keep kissing him… and kissing him and kissing him. And he never pulls away from you, no matter how cold, annoying, or mean you get. Sometimes all three of it at once.
~~
“You’re dating Juhaknyeon,” Donghyuck gushes. “I mean, I knew you liked him, but what’s all that with Eric, and Sohyun—”
“We’ve known each other for a long time,” you answered, “ever since freshman year of high school.” And you don’t hold his hand but you look over at him, into his sparkling eyes.
“Wow,” says Donghyuck. “First love?”
“Wow,” says Chanhee, with more emphasis. “Our first photography club couple!”
Haknyeon’s slowly starting to wear short sleeves, now. Soon it’ll be spring, and you can see the cherry blossoms, in the warm weather… and he’ll take off his jacket for once. Scars do heal and fade, and after you’ve kissed his, he swears, they’re fading out more quickly than ever. Not that you needed them to fade: you loved him for the scars, not despite, and you like him, just like this.
For Chanhee’s project, Haknyeon submits just one entry: you, in the snow, wearing almost the same outfit when he met you. This time, the snow remains white, pure. He’s not bleeding anymore.
#the boyz scenarios#tbz imagines#the boyz imagines#the boyz x reader#tbz x reader#Juhaknyeon x reader#juhaknyeon imagines#haknyeon x reader#haknyeon imagines#tbz scenarios
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im sorry my tumblr followers who dont know me im mad rn, im just rambling mad under a readmore again thanksss
listen its not that i need to be dating someone im just chilling. in fact rn i would not want to date anyone.
but i HATEEEE HATE seeing people say shit like "You dont need anyone, you should learn to be happy without someone else in ur life! why do you need someone else! just be happy without that!" well damn sue me for wanting someone to deeply love me who i deeply love back!! why is that such a bad thing to want!! obviously if you cant function without being in a relationship that's not good, but people always say that shit to someone going "i feel unlovable and like no one will ever want me" and it feels so meanspirted!! damn!!
its been like almost a year since i got ghosted and i know its annoying to hear people complain abt the same thing over and over again. but its just HARD bcus i feel stupid, and used. i really thought my ex was like, THE person, we talked abt getting married and how we'd combine our last names, abt moving in together, supported each other through everything. when i was in inpatient this person called me almost everyday i was there to say hi and check in on me. i thought my future involved them and then they just dropped me without even an explanation. never in a million billion years did i think that would happen (outside of my bad brain telling me it would, which, well i was right so LOL) bcus they were my best friend of 8 years!!
and its scary bcus it makes me think there must be something wrong with me/"how could anyone ever love me when even the person who dated me for 6 years didnt". and people always say things like "you haven't met everyone who will care about you yet" but what if i have, and my one chance at having a relationship i was so happy in was ruined bcus the other person is a self-obsessed asshole who lied to my face abt so much for who KNOWS what reason. WHATEVER.
i feel like when i make posts like this i come off as an insane person in the "no wonder they broke up with you" way, but i promise im actually normal ive just been very emotionally ripped to shreds by a very bad breakup. barely a breakup bcus it was over TWITTER DM. whatever im just gonna be one of those people that obsesses over fictional characters so much i think were in a relationship.
i just rlly rlly wonder what their reasoning for doing this to me was and if they feel bad abt it. or if they think its funny, or if they just dont care. i also wonder if they think they can just message me one day and apologize and think itll be okay (i dont think this will happen, i used to but i dont anymore)
i lean towards they just dont care, i doubt they even think about what they did lol. i mean i HOPE they feel bad, but i dont think thats true. id be shocked if i ever heard from them again which is just, crazy. 8 years of knowing someone and it ends like that through no fault of your own. i wish i had a screenshot of the break up dm id post it in a heartbeat so anyone who actually read this far would feel whiplash like i do. (filled to the brim with "i love you so much" "i feel horrible for hurting you and i hate that im doing it" "i really care about you" "i hope you stay in my life bcus youre my best friend").
and it makes me really sad bcus OFC we would have stayed friends, i loved them so much that while id be sad abt breaking up i would still want them in my life. (WE EVEN TALKED ABT HOW IF WE BROKE UP WE ALWAYS THOUGHT WE'D STAY FRIENDS). but even in my fantasy world where they reach out after a few years all apologetic and guilty i just couldnt do it anymore.
one more but i don't understand what would compel someone to say all that knowing theyre lying and dont give a fuck about you, like it only comes off as evil and fucked up and cruel to me, so how else am i supposed to take that.
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Five years in, finding a routine
Although mostly on accident, I’ve been working as a game developer and freelancer for the past five years.
That means that I work from home, and have to “be my own boss” on a day-to-day basis. I kept myself chained to my desk long before the pandemic came along, which meant I didn’t get the whiplash that a lot of people got from having not choice but to start working from home
That said…in all this time, I still haven’t found a very good routine for actually making it all work for me in a healthy way. Yikes.
I’ve always struggled to find the right rhythm for work-life balance. How to focus (maybe there’s some anxiety or attention deficiency secretly at play), how to avoid wanting to take breaks, how to find time for hobbies without feeling guilty, how to structure my “schedule.”
It probably doesn’t help that because our team is all around the world, we get up to all sorts of inconvenient time zone tomfoolery. Big bursts of work that has to be done immediately upon waking up or right before bed.
Now, in 2024, I am trying to finally put a structure together. I recently moved to a new apartment in a new town, which felt like a good time for a fresh start. Here’s what I’m up to so far.
I’m trying to wall off “weekends” as time for leisure as best I can. Even within that, it’s even better if I can wall off a little segment of time for a “hobby,” like drawing purely for my own fun instead of drawing for work. Obviously, sometimes work emergencies crop up and you just have to do them on the weekend.
I’ve dabbled with a Virtual Assistant for about 10 months to keep me organized (which went okay) but I’ve scrapped the whole thing and swapped over to an eight buck paper calendar pinned up next to my desk. Less fancy, but less pricey. My parents were great at keeping a huge calendar updated on the fridge when I was growing up. I was a fool to try to live without a physical calendar after high school. It’s made planning for the future “feasible” instead of “overwhelmingly impossible.” Google Calendar was never cutting it for me.
I use a really simple to-do app called Tasks (from Tasks.org). I had thought that maybe I could keep all my to-dos organized this way, but honestly it’s better for things that I need urgent phone notification reminders for. Like “do this right this second.” The rest I’m trying my best to track on the paper calendar.
I’ve started music lessons, going to the gym, and therapy weekly at the start of 2024. Not only do I love this trifecta, but it has also helped structure my weekdays for better and for worse. Can’t get work done while I’m doing those things, but it’s hopefully improving my life in a general sense.
And lastly…I’m writing this right now from a co-working space. I’ve always considered finding a place where I could take a laptop and get work done outside of my apartment, to try to separate “home” and “work” just a little bit more. A place to ignore distractions. Or, honestly, a place where I can’t do household chores or go grocery shopping as an excuse to not do work while feeling productive.
I considered libraries and cafes, and am still open to those as options, but this co-working space is actually really great so far. The vibes are immaculate. It’s peaceful and quiet without feeling lonely. There’s free snacks.
Hopefully this is the beginning of something like a healthy, productive routine. Definitely trying to prioritize finding something sustainable so that I can at least make it another five years in game development without going crazy.
The secret to getting out of my head and out of my bad habits could be getting out of the house.
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same anon from a few days ago !! very sorry for the spam, im still rereading the darlingtons and i must say CRUEL 😭😭 literal whiplash from rosella AND oliver being ripped away, to zelda immediately moving away. queen behavior. i must say though i absolutely LOVE your sims and builds!! do you do your own builds in story :0 id love to see more of it (or potentially download? 👀)
thank you so much again for the wonderful story!! the darlingtons have my heart and im already anticipating the upcoming decades that are so far in the future. they all hold my heart ❤️
Awww hello again, dear Nonny! Please never apologize for spam! It brings me joy each and every time! And I’m so glad to hear you’re still enjoying your reread (and honored that you’re rereading it at all) even if it means trudging through those tough years. I will admit, I like ending every decade with a heavy dose of drama, but I think y’all may be picking up on that 😉
Regarding the builds you see in the story, almost all of them are made by other simmers. If you look through my WCIF tag I have linked some, but if you ever have one you’re looking for feel free to ask! I do heavily redesign all the interiors since I am a builder myself, but I don’t ever plan on uploading these since they aren’t my creations and heavily use cc.
However, all of my original builds are on the gallery ID aheathenbuilds and if you go through this tag you can see some of them on Tumblr! A few are also usable in historical simming, but I always build CC free as it’s what I do for stress relief and when I just want to get back to enjoying the game after working on story posts.
Thanks again for all the love, happy simming and I hope you enjoy all the new posts and decades just as much as the older ones 💕
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The concept of a "Thunderbolts: Kill the Avengers" really intrigues me. Yet I just want to write down my own take on it of what I would do with it. But be warned, this is essentially fan fiction and takes elements from certain stories. Because alias, this was something that really has been on my mind. And you can be critical about it if you've read comics.
The roster of the Thunderbolts is not fully known. Originally, I REALLY wanted Agent Venom/Flash Thompson to be in this and the "Lead character" in a sense due to how I love Flash's story and development as a character. But I feel it would make more sense and more interesting if it was Eddie Brock as THE VENOM. While Flash as Agent Venom would be...less of a "Reformed supervillain" and more of a superhero. I just really loved the idea of Symbiote gameplay with guns. And I feel like Flash needs more spotlight with his character development during the years. But the idea of an Eddie Brock/Venom being the "Lead character" in this game would get more people's attention.
Where in this world after he had teamed up with Spider-Man to fight Carnage, Venom had killed Cletus and was sent back to prison. Even if Eddie and Peter have a new form of relationship where Peter can trust him but not fully. And now, with a new threat on the horizon, the idea to add Venom into new team gives Eddie more of a chance to prove himself (Or themselves, Eddie and the Symbiote) as a "Lethal Protector". Venom is silly but can be serious when he needs to be.
This is also in a time where Mac Gargan never became Venom.
2. Songbird is one of the other major members of the Thunderbolts, a member from the original team. The other choices for the other two are unknown because I want the team to be unique and not have maybe like two Spider-Man villains.
Possible choices are Whiplash and Taskmaster. Each member has their own unique skills and move set. While Venom is a heavy but with Spider-Man like abilities but also using the Symbiote. Songbird is able to fly and use sound-based powers.
The story takes place in a time where the "Civil War" was prevented, Peter's identity was never revealed, and Steve and others never died. And the Thunderbolts weren't formed yet. Or a new version of the Thunderbolts not led by Baron Zemo. I am aware the Thunderbolts were a thing before "Civil War". But because of the threat of a villain unlike any other. Thunderbolt Ross brings out the idea of the Thunderbolts back into the spotlight because there seems to be no other choice.
Edit update there is a likely possibility of Bucky Barnes/The Winter Soldier being the third official choice in this Thunderbolts team. Going with the idea that he was only recently defeated and having his memories restored. He is no longer a brainwashed assassin. And despite going into prison, Steve was personally trying to help out Bucky through possibly therapy to help him on the right path. But when the invasion started, Bucky is one of the villains who wants to be on the Thunderbolts to possibly save Steve if he can. Because I realize there's a tragic angle of Steve almost going through the same thing as Bucky did.
The Winter Soldier's skills would be familiar to fans of shooters and essentially the Thunderbolt's own Captain America in a sense. Someone with similar skills but not like Venom and Songbird.
3. The main villain is a weird choice. The original idea was Doctor Doom. But I question if that would work right. Other ideas are Ultron, Kang, and Red Skull. But Ultron would mainly make robot copies of the Avengers while the other two are a different story. You'd also have to include Hank Pym in an Ultron story because Ultron was his creation.
I thought maybe the best course of option would be to make an original villain who has divided many of the superheroes on Earth. Because he's very aware if you have all of those teams uniting, there's going to be trouble. The Fantastic Four and Doctor Doom are stuck in Latveria dealing with an invasion. The X-Men and Brotherhood of Mutants are stuck in another area. While other major Avengers like Black Panther, Falcon/Captain America, Scarlet Witch, Captain Marvel, Doctor Strange are stuck in another area. Even other characters like Ghost Rider are transported somewhere else and a scary idea that the villain erased Deadpool out of existence, but everyone knows he was killed. It sounds fuckin stupid but scary as shit because the villain was aware of how self-aware Deadpool is and considered him way too dangerous to be left alive.
The main villain in a sick way wants to make his own Avengers or something. Almost like a sick game of roleplay. New York City is put into quarantine because S.H.I.E.L.D. does not want any of the invasion to go anywhere else. Have the main villain be voiced by Alex Brightman in his Adam voice from Hazbin Hotel.
The main four Avengers that have been brainwashed to do the villain's work are the big four that many people know. Captain America/Steve Rogers, Iron Man/Tony Stark, Thor, and Hulk/Bruce Banner.
Cap has killed Nick Fury. Iron Man has killed Hawkeye and Black Widow. Thor has killed Loki. And Hulk has killed the Abomination. Maria Hill is in charge of S.H.I.E.L.D. now after Fury's death and the recruitment of the Thunderbolts is a last resort because there are hardly any heroes left in New York City.
4. Spider-Man/Peter Parker is essentially the "Wonder Woman" of the game. Despite not really being an Avenger and having an off and on relationship with them. Particularly having issues with Iron Man and Thor. But he is rather fond and friendly with Steve Rogers and Bruce Banner. Peter has been Spider-Man for a decade and likely 24 years old.
Being one of the only heroes left not brainwashed in New York City. After the Defenders were gravely injured, and his close ally Daredevil nearly dying. Spider-Man is Hellbent on stopping the invasion despite how stressful it's been. He is making jokes, but he stressed and pissed. Especially with having a mixed relationship with the Avengers. He is surprisingly OP how he is in the 616 comics which is the reason he's been able to survive for so long. He's also Hellbent on stopping the invasion because Mary Jane is six months pregnant with Mayday during this time and is still in the city but safe.
He is trying to figure out a way get the Avengers out of the villain's control despite what they've done. And he's not dealing with the Thunderbolt's bullshit, especially Venom. Because even though Carnage was killing people, Peter did not want Eddie to kill Cletus, but he did it anyway. This sounds stupid but Peter has not wanted Venom to kill Carnage before. Despite Venom doing it to protect innocents. Which Venom brings up of what he's able to do what Peter won't.
But he is horrified when he learns from Steve that they need to die in order to save the world. The brainwashing/corruption is irreversible, and Spider-Man now has to accept the harsh reality that the Thunderbolts need to kill the Avengers.
5. Moon Girl and Devil Dinosaur are stuck in the city as well and help the Thunderbolts by making them gear and whatever else. But honestly, this addition seems kind of insane because of three things.
The idea of that Moon Girl, a literal middle schooler living in this reality and inadvertently or...helping the Thunderbolts kill the Avengers. And living in this dark reality that they have to kill them.
I swear, if she is in this. People would straight up say, "Wait, wouldn't she be able to come up with a way to free the Avengers?"
The funny irony that the four big Avengers died...but the only remaining heroes in New York City are Spider-Man, Moon Girl, Devil Dinosaur, and a bunch of reformed supervillains.
Anyway, there is also the idea of adding Doctor Octopus into the team to invent stuff for the team too.
6. The corruption of the Avengers is viewed as a literal nightmare. And their deaths are viewed as a literal tragedy instead of a joyous victory or a joke afterwards. Including details that before their corruption. Tony was going through a possible "Demon in the Bottle" arc before he got brainwashed and was trying to do better.
And things like Venom not wanting to kill Captain America. But also, before their deaths, they have small moments of being able to be free of their brainwashing. Or when near death, they are free of it but realized what they have done.
One of the most tragic ones is the Hulk who is considered to be the most dangerous. While Hulk is being brainwashed, Bruce isn't. And knowing he sadly can't cure his condition or that his "Friend" can't be helped. Bruce decides to sacrifice himself in some way, saying he'd rather die like a man doing the right thing. And asks either the Thunderbolts or most likely Spider-Man to tell Betty he's sorry.
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I think I've said enough. I just wanted to ramble about that.
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✨ Bean's Top Five Song Discoveries of 2023 ✨
yes i realize it is already well into january 2024 but here, enjoy the songs i found this year that define my 2023. if you're new here, hi i used to make obsessive music posts but now dont have time to make full ones so take this instead: your very own unique insight to my 2023!
this post is dedicated to @disco-tea for somehow being invested in all my music adventures and obsessions, bestie ily 🥺💕
STOP (Lollapalooza Version) by j-hope (Eng. translation // Performance w/ Eng. sub)
im totally cheating already by choosing this when i first listened to jitb in 2022. but honestly? i dont care. i saw hobipalooza for the first time in 2023 and this version was only officially released then so here it is now!
to be frank, watching the performance was a completely different experience to me compared to listening to the studio release. while the original recording sounded conversational, it felt like something was exploding out of him during this performance. he needed to get things off his chest and yet still barely stops himself in his tracks from spiralling. and the juxtaposition !! placing it right after Equal Sign, where he is preaching kindness and understanding and unity and even goes so far to say "it costs you nothing to be kind" ?? and then the sudden immediate whiplash into STOP where he is actively holding himself back because its not true! being kind is hard!!! but he wants to be understanding and practice what he preaches but even he fails and gets "contaminated by the viruses" sometimes. its hard, its real, its raw. and ugh !! this song !!!
Bonus: the moment I always start to lose my mind
its the way the alternate title to this song is "there are no bad people in the world," a belief he holds deep to his core. and yet only a few breaths later, he confesses that the reality of the world makes him question if people are even human anymore. 😩 like wtf-
but also. its so true. and relatable. sometimes i cant even look at the news anymore bc its so hard to be a hopeful and positive and good person when you are bombarded with only hate and tragedy. i have never seen that feeling captured so perfectly in a song. jung hoseok you king.
tldr i think about this song, its performance juxtaposition, and what it means way too often. eternally sad that the youtube video with eng subs playing those songs back to back got taken down, i rewatched it so much it haunts me. may we never ever forget hobipalooza bc jung hoseok made Choices !!
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Don't Wanna Cry by Seventeen (Eng. translation // Performance w/ Eng. sub in captions)
the real ones remember how j-hope took over my life that second half of 2022 and how much i fought tooth and nail the entire way... so yeah lol seventeen took over the second half of 2023 and this is the song that got me out of that denial.
the thing is. i had kept hearing about this song and this choreography and how iconic it was, which is why i avoided it for so long. but as we all know, no matter how much i joke, i am and always will be a dancer. dancing will always be in my blood. so it is very on brand that a good dancer has been what gets me into kpop groups 100% of the time (2 out of 2 groups stanned bc i fell for the main dancer 🫣). and as a choreographer, good choreo will always have an unreasonable chokehold on me. and yet, Don't Wanna Cry has the audacity to exist ?? featuring performance unit leader hoshi with his most masterful choreography for this heartbreaking song ?? come onnn, i had no chance.
i cant say anything about this choreo that hasnt been said before but like seriously, watch this practice video and tell me this choreo isnt one of the most in-sync yet emotionally effective pieces of art you've ever seen. You don't even need the translations to understand the emotions behind it. But when I first saw the lyrics with the choreography, I swear I got chills. Ironically, once DK sang out this line:
my eyes got blurry. because thats the whole point of the song isn't it? thats the whole reason why they dont want to cry. because they realize their time together is limited, their heart is breaking but each second in their presence is so beautiful and precious, how dare tears get in the way of fully appreciating this time together. its beautiful and heartbreaking and then the timing of falling to their knees right after for a chorus just adds into the hopelessness.
And I know everyone talks about the bridge but like- the bridge.
Lying to yourself that everything is OK only to fall on your knees again begging "come back, come back, come back". The rawness in this choreo. The almost uncontrollable chest pops in this vulnerable, open position because these words are coming from their heart.
Also Hoshi still to this day calls this one of his favorite svt choreos. He doesn't brag much about his choreo nowadays but the interviews I could find of him proudly relaying the story behind the iconic "streetlight" choreo just 🥺🥺 me too buddy. choreo can be beautiful sometimes and he did so good with this one. 🥺🥺🥺 choreographer hoshi, king of my heart, thank you for making me fall in love with this song 🥺🙌
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I'm Just Another Person Oh God by Daisy the Great (lyrics)
Ah, yes. the Daisy the Great phase. I could have picked the whole All You Need is Time album honestly bc the storyline it has in my head is so fucked up I can't handle it. But in the end, it was a toss up between including this one or Aluminum in this list bc those were the ones I had on loop. for. reasons. 🫣
Gosh, what to say about this song. other than admitting, wow was I going through something for this one. Haven't we all felt this way sometimes though? Wanting something so bad and it not working out and then stepping back like. "wait am i being greedy and selfish with this?" and the answer is no! like actually im just being entirely super normal with this. just like everyone else! only i am also filled with some bonus woe! like ?!??!?! wasnt that the biggest 2023 mood? idk it was for me lmao.
There is something to be said with this album though, that is particularly apparent in this song. It's that kind of cynical wistfulness of wanting something you had in the past. Passion? Naivete? Whatever it is. It's gone now bc of life, the passage of time, and you're being like so super brave and normal about it (clenched fist, arthur meme style). Everything is painted with a bit of regret and "why am i always like this", all wrapped up in a funky floaty song that is almost uncomfortably easy to listen and vibe to bc of how concerning those lyrics can be when you really listen. but hey ✌️ it really do be like that sometimes i guess. shoutout to them for the insane 20yearold something vibes bc daisy the great? they get it ahaha.
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Snow on Tha Bluff by J. Cole (lyrics)
Lol surprise.
if you ever want to know how i find music, a lot of my favorite songs are usually found by chance. a random deep dive fueled by curiosity or hyperfixation and every so often, my spotify will give me a gem. this particular discovery was bc for a variety of reasons, i decided to listen to a playlist of j.cole's music and was bopping along appropriately until this one came up and. i had to replay it multiple times.
its very understated. and raw. stream-of-consciousness.
i dont even know but i listened to this one a lot. even as i write this now, its been months since i listened to it but when i was making this list, i knew i had to include this one bc of how much ive thought about it.
there's something about understated vulnerability that always gets me in. nothing about this is showy nor does it really seem to have a point other than him needing to get this off his chest. yet there's such a poignant art to it. the instance he speaks about is v specific but the sentiment is still relatable and somehow resonated with me a lot.
idk i just think this song is so beautiful in its simplicity, which is something i think i should try to emulate more considering i said a whole lot of nothing in this section so i think ill stop this one here.
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I Don't Understand But I Luv U by Seventeen (Eng. Lyrics)
if i had to pick a song that defined my december, it would be this one. hands down, no contest. i think i listened to this nonstop the last two weeks of the year. and:
... yeah.
im realizing as i write this post that i spent a lot of this past year just thinking about music and life. seventeen's songs actually tend to be a bit of a slow burn on me so i had known and even heard this song a few times earlier this year but really it only hit me last month. yet despite listening to it nonstop, i cannot recite to you the actual english translation of the song. bc ultimately the translation doesnt matter. what i love about this song is already there in the title.
"I don't understand but I love you"
after all, isnt that love in its truest essense? love is accepting you may never truly understand everything about a person but choosing to love them anyway. love transcends all language and all understanding. its a choice and an action and this is the song that always reminds me of that when love gets hard.
idk what this all says about my 2023 but love is hard. family is hard. but in a way, i think that's what makes it all so beautiful. just as beautiful as this song. i can and will (and have!) listened to this song on repeat bc the ✨vibes✨ i think it might even have been the first song i listened to in 2024. that guitar riff is so sick and sensual. the ad libs are so cute - the little zoom! at 0:46 and smoke smoke! at 2:02, i sing along to it every time 🫣.
also hearing the girlies lose their minds when watching this performance on the big screen during their simulcast concert was so funny but endearing. i'd never but those girls sure love thirst traps skakakka
the story behind this song too just 🥺 hoshi getting absolutely blown by a fan's comment "i dont understand but i love you," repeating it, saying they could use it as part of their lyrics and then a few months later, this song comes out. you can literally see his eyes light up im just 🥺 so endeared. and the way its a Performance Unit song, a unit that is made of 50% foreign members, and that several pre-debut clips show members struggling with language barriers. idk this song is all so soft, it means so much to me and clearly means so much to them. and there we go, its all in the title for me ✨
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✨ if you made it all the way here, wow and thanks! here's to even more good music in 2024 ✨
#this was actually so much fun#and a great way to reflect on my year#2023 was an interesting one for sure 👀#hope ill be able to do something like this again in december!!#i miss making music posts#/ making posts in general lmao#my ramblings#personal#musical beans#yay! i finally spat this bby out. its been in the drafts for so long
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🫐 -Hey there, why not get in on this, haha. Let's go, show me what ya got TV man- Jokes aside, I am a young woman in her 20s going to university for a psychology degree. I am very ambitous & goal oriented, even if it is sometimes very intense. To the point of hyperfixation bordering on obsession. I was going for journalism originally, but I changed majors because I didn't like how much I would have to lick the butts & shoes of yellow journalists who aren't worth my respect or time. I wanted to be part of the information side of things & keep people informed on the happenings around them. But all they do from my perspective is waste hours churning out fiction for views. If I wanted to do that, I would have pursued acting as a career, which is a hobby of mine. I like community theater a lot. It is a fun escape from everything. Something just so satisfying about putting on a show, where the moment I step out on that stage & feel those lights & eyes on me, I am no longer concerned with my problems. The mask is on & won't be off until later~! Music is my other passion. I love writing my own music and lyrics. I play the violin, piano, & guitar. I am taking singing lessons for fun too. My few friends describe me as the one they look to for honest opinions, even if it might not be something they want to hear. I am also weirdly regarded as a ball of energy. I am not a recluse, I just have intense trust issues. It is probably due to the pathetic jokes of relationships I have had, among other potential trauma inducing experiences. I love going out, just only with people I would trust my life with or myself. I am still quite introverted, but I do like the atmosphere of people having a great time & me having a good time, even if it is dancing on my own. If I feel like it, I will just make the decision to disappear for a weekend & hop back around come Monday like I didn't just drop off the planet to who knows where & do who knows what. I am used to the not so great side of life. Walking to school, seeing a dead body on the side of the road, later on seeing those infamous white lines, hahaha. What a day that was, or the time I had to hit the deck from a drive-by. You get used to that rough life than wham in a place that is weirdly sanitized and "safe." It feels like whiplash. I cope with my experiences with humor. Rather laugh than cry, you know. Psych became my interest after taking a random elective in it, & I was hooked on being able to make connections about the world & people around me. Giving me a sense of understanding some of the why's I have asked for years. I'm still learning more, too. I have some ideas that are not exactly conventional & push a few boundaries with other fields of science & ethics. Regardless, I hope to use the knowledge I am gaining to help others help themselves. I think that is a key component in life, to be able to help yourself, even if it means getting/seeking help in order to get to a place where you can do that for yourself. If that makes any sense. With all this said, enjoy your hellish morning, abysmal afternoon, explicit evening, or sinful night. Whichever it may be for you, I like to cover the bases~!
“it feels like you took psychology to make sense of the things that has happened in your life subconsciously. at least, that’s what people do from experience anyway. it sort of feels like you have adhd as well due to your spontaneity, being described as a ‘ball of energy’ and having many interests, but hey, i’m far from being some lab coat shrink who’s qualified enough to sit behind a desk to rot with everyone else’s trauma. you want to stay true to yourself no matter what, thus opting out of journalism to avoid kissing other people’s asses, i can respect that. you sound ambiverted, someone who struggles to find the comfortable balance sometimes but everyone does too. and hey, a dead body. must be a big deal back in the living world, huh? how’ve you been?”
based off of the 200 follower event.
#.voxasks 200 event#hazbin hotel roleplay#hazbin hotel#hazbin hotel ask blog#hazbin hotel rp#hazbin hotel fandom#hazbin rp#hazbin hotel vox#hazbin vox#vox hazbin hotel
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Feels Like A Warm Hug (pt. 2)
Josh was at a loss of words.
"A-are you joking with me right now?"
Ken just sighed. He faced Josh entirely and pulled their intertwined hands to his lap, "This time I don't even think I can joke about anything."
Dumbfounded was an understatement. Josh looked at his tiny hands enveloped by Ken's much more bigger hands. He shivered.
"Like... as in?" asked Josh with croaked voice because he was kinda whiplashed by the sudden words being said. "Ken? Likes him?!"
"As in I've been in love with you for years and feeling pretty tired of not acknowledging it."
Gunshots!
Josh's eyes widen even bigger than before. Out of all the things Ken could say, this was the one that Josh would never even think could come out from his mouth.
This Ken? The Ken who's awkward with him since their training days?
Ken who always stiffened up whenever Josh tried to be affectionate to him just like how he is with his other bandmates?
Ken whose face would become reddened so bad whenever Josh was forced to do cute poses?
Ken who's always so tense whenever Josh asked him to taught him their new choreographies that Josh kinda felt bad and asked Stell instead?
Ken who often joked about his height and compares it to his own height?
Ken who's always acting weird whenever they were told to hug each other?
Ken who suddenly appeared out of nowhere and stood in front of his door?
Ken who made Josh blushed like a teenager in love-
Oh.
Oh.
"...what in the actual fuck?" Josh whispered to himself while trying to maintain eye contact with Ken despite the urge to run and hide from all these feelings. "Ew, feelings."
The other man stared back. "I know this is embarassing for the both of us but let me make it clear for once. Please, can you listen to me?" Ken pleaded with his eyes full of affections.
Josh nodded.
"It was hard for me at first, realizing what I felt towards you. But the longer I tried to hold it in, the more I can't stop thinking about it."
Ken huffed, then he continued. "At first I thought it was just admiration, y'know. I even called you 'idol Josh' back then." he chuckled.
Josh couldn't help but also let few chuckles out.
"And then you paid for all the expenses of me going here to train with you guys. After that, the admiration turned into gratitude."
He let out a few sighs. "And then... we kinda built our dream together. Not only just the two of us, but also with our brothers. All that hardships we encountered and overcomed, those things made our bond stronger."
Ken looked Josh straight in the eyes, "But it was different with you."
Josh shivered.
"I thought after a while it was just how it is between us. Awkward and just that. But I realized there is just... something."
"It started from little things. Like how I was always get quiet near you because I was distracted by how cute you were," Josh glared at him, "and how I hate it when you're being touchy with others."
"I'm not touchy!" Josh denied.
Ken smiled and stroked Josh's hand. "Believe me, you are. It kinda gives me a hard time sometimes."
"... because you don't like being touched?"
"More like I like it too much when you touched me." Ken smirked.
Josh blushed for the hundredth times this evening.
"Please just continue for my dignity's sake."
Ken chuckled. "And so.. from those little things I kinda knew my feelings towards you had become a crush. But of course being the stubborn man I am, I chose to hide it instead."
"But… the more I hid it, the more it grew. I started to unconsciously gravitate towards you. Sitting and standing next to you every chance I got, looking for your attention. And when it was kinda overwhelming, I would look for you, that's why I came here so often. Just to see you. Seeing you makes me content."
Josh just sat there, in awe of all the words that Ken had been saying. "Never thought he was the romantic type." Josh thought to himself.
"So.. there it is. A confession. I think… I love you, Josh.”
Suddenly it was quiet.
Ken fidgeted in his seat. He was waiting for the other to say something, to reject him, or told him he didn’t want to see him again-
“I don’t even know you’re into men.”
Ken’s face fell. “From all those words I purposely chose to say to you that’s what you gotta say back?”
Josh grimaced. “Don’t get me wrong, I really love the whole confession moment but I didn’t think you would be interested in men, especially me?”
”I was taught to love those who deserve it fiercely. And when I love someone, it’s just as it is, no specific reason needed.”
It got quiet again.
Ken got uneasy and said, “Josh. I don’t need you to reciprocate it. I just need to tell you before it’s too late and I don’t want any regrets.” He released his grip on Josh’s hands and held his shoulders. “Please don’t make my confession a reason for you to hate me or ruin the relationship that we and our members had built, I’m sorry for what I felt towards you-“
“Stop panicking, will you?” Josh stopped Ken mid-sentence.
Ken closed his mouth and stared at Josh.
“First of all, I appreciate your confession. That was.. shocking to say the least. And no, I won’t hate you. How can I hate you?” Josh said softly.
“And just so you know… I also kinda realized something from all those words you just said.”
Ken timidly asked, “What is it?”
“That I‘m so clueless. That I’m not good at acknowledging my own feelings too.”
This time Ken’s the one who got confused. He frowned.
“If you really think about it, why would I spent money gambling for your existence in my life when I myself didn’t really have much to splurge? Why would I do something so grand for someone that I didn’t even know would stay or not?” Josh sighed. “But I did. Because I know we need you. I need you. I want you to be here by my side, achieving every dreams we ever had.”
Josh looked into Ken’s pretty eyes and smiled, “I think I had already loved you then.”
And another silence.
Both of them were just staring at each other, searching for truth in their said words.
Then, Ken lifted his hands and caressed Josh’s face.
“So that’s your confession?” Ken grinned.
Josh giggled. “I never expect my free time would turned into this whole confession moment. But I’m happy you did it.” He held Ken’s hand that’d been caressing his face. “So… what now?”
“I don’t know. I don’t care. Josh Cullen loves me.” Ken said with his lovestruck face.
Then, Ken stared at Josh’s lips. “Let’s think about things another time, shall we?”
Josh grinned and cupped Ken’s face in his hands, “What should we do now then?”
Ken leaned in to kiss the older and sighed. He’s been dreaming of this for God knows how long.
It felt amazing, to feel Josh’s soft lips against his. Ken was warm, and it pulled Josh in even more, hands wrapped around Ken’s neck and deepening the kiss. Feeling brave, Josh opened his mouth and welcomed Ken’s warm tongue.
Just when they almost got carried away, a loud thunder startled the two of them. They pulled away and breathed heavily.
Laughter erupted from the both of them. They were busy giggling at each other to realize that the rain had been even heavier than before.
But the rain did nothing to cease the warmth which both of them were feeling.
Well, Josh had said it before. Everyone deserved warmth, even those who weren’t dripping wet out there with the rain.
Josh had never been more warm than here, set thoughts about future aside for another time, confined in Ken’s warm hug.
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"I do know a lot about what happened, yes, but it’s not fair to discuss how someone is feeling without being that person." How do *you* feel about the bts stuff? Is that what shifted your opinion on Norman? You seem less lenient with him now than you were before.
I feel the need to start this by reminding everyone that I don't have a personal relationship with those directly involved and can only go off of what I'm being told about the situation and what I'm observing from a distance. But...I am a woman who has to work in the same industry for hopefully many years to come and I've also been a big fan of TWD, particularly Carol's and Caryl's story, for many years, so it's hard not to take any of it personally. I keep wavering between being really angry and deeply saddened that a few individuals used their positions/privilege to get what they want or what's best for them to the detriment of really inspiring women who have earned respect and add so much value to the show, as well as to all the viewers who are now expected to pay for less than what they deserve. Maybe I shouldn't be surprised, but regardless, it's unacceptable.
Yes, I include Norman among the privileged. No, I am not claiming there was ever malicious intent from him and I am definitely not implying he said let there be France and there was France. I've said from the beginning that's not how it works and after learning some of the details, I stand by that. Unfortunately there's no straightforward explanation for what did happen except that Melissa and Angela were wronged and they deserve support, not blame and not lies being spread about them. I've actually tried to minimize the conversation around Norman because I think it's a huge distraction from the much larger issues that need to be tackled i.e. sexism/misogyny in the workplace and consumer exploitation. Also, as I pointed out before, it only ever leads to new headlines about how "toxic" Melissa's fans are which is no help to her.
That doesn't mean I've buried my head in the sand and to get to the second part of your ask, anon, my shift in tone is probably more from watching how everything has played out publicly over the past 10 months than anything else, though I'm not ignoring the initial problem either. Like I said before, I think I can come back around. I'm just looking to Melissa to lead the way because I trust her judgment whereas other key players have broken faith, and I'm looking for commitment to telling Daryl's/Caryl's story honorably, and lastly, I'm looking for acknowledgement that Caryl fans are among those who have been the most loyal to Daryl's character all these years. Granted, none of that is very straightforward either. AMC needs to do their part most of all.
Sorry if this gave anyone whiplash. I don't think I can elaborate any further xP
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🎵 one for you: te'ijal & galahad
HEHE thank u!!! (answering this one first bcause the other one will take more time)
i have a whole mix for them (i haven't posted it because i want to swap out One Specific Song) so here are my top five songs from it:
Beautiful Soul - Jesse McCartney
Meet Your Bride - Jason Webley
You Don't Know Me - Ben Folds ft. Regina Spektor
Smother - Daughter
Shameful Company - Rainbow Kitten Surprise
long explanations under the cut because I have. a lot of feelings. and thoughts
Beautiful Soul - Jesse McCartney
"You're the one I wanna chase / you're the one I wanna hold / I won't let another minute go to waste / I want you and your beautiful soul"
This one is a joke. However, in my defense, it is a very funny joke.
Back in the middle school version of this fanmix I went directly from Beautiful Soul -> I Hate Everything About You, which is the type of tonal whiplash I think defines te'ijalahad. (Now it goes into Sticks and Stones by The Pierces). I think it's very funny and very fitting for the soul stealing song on my mix for them to be a pop song about having a crush because IMO that is how Te'ijal perceives her stealing Galahad's soul
Meet Your Bride - Jason Webley
The problem with picking a lyric to highlight for this is the entire song is fucking perfect for Galahad @ Te'ijal and I lose my mind every time I think about it too long.
"Yes, and how are you going to greet your wife when she's standing at your door? / When she comes to claim your heart, your life, your body, then still wants more? / Will she find you bearing flowers? Will you greet her with a knife? / Tell me, how will you meet your wife?"
& also sorry I cannot mention this song without mentioning the ever iconic "Tell me how / are you going / to greet / your bride? When she's clawing at your ribcage / and demands to come inside?"
top songs to be forced into marriage with a vampire to!
You Don't Know Me - Ben Folds ft. Regina Spektor
"I want to ask you / Do you ever sit and wonder / It's so strange / That we could be together for so long/ And never know, never care / What goes on in the other one's head"
this song is so fun I love having the closest thing this mix has to a duet being the singers getting frustrated at each other for fundamentally not knowing anything about each other and not listening to each other.
honestly I could have put this song anywhere on the mix as a Galahad POV song ("so easily led astray / an errant dog who occasionally escapes and needs a shorter leash"), because I feel like it's a pretty great summary of his feelings.
but I have it towards the end of the mix, for the end of Aveyond 3, because at that point it also fits Te'ijal's POV where she's been telling Galahad exactly how she feels for the past two years about What's Been Going On and he's absolutely refused to internalize it. it's a duet! the feeling is mutual (derogatory)!
Smother - Daughter
"I am wasted, losing time / On a foolish, fragile spine / I want all that is not mine / I want him but we're not right"
fun fact: my mix is named we're not right after this lyric! and I am working on a Te'ijal(ahad) & Ingrid(/Boyle) fic named "I want all that is not mine" because I think it does a great job of summarizing how those ladies approach relationships.
I find it very hard to imagine Te'ijal ever outright apologizing to Galahad, but I do think she comes to understand that what she did to him was wrong. this is the song I have chosen to represent that!
the word choice focusing on smothering and suffocating is especially important to that, because I personally read most of Te'ijal's post AV1 behavior as genuinely well-intentioned but no less controlling or manipulative.
Shameful Company - Rainbow Kitten Surprise
"if you're cold, go inside / if you're tired, go to sleep / if you're weak, come to me / find shameful company"
my dear bestie once perfectly summarized te'ijalahad's dynamic as "emergency contacts". that's what this song is to me. it's the last song on my mix because it's my aveyond 4 song!!! this is the "galahad spends literal days without sleep fighting through a small army of demons alone so he can break up with te'ijal in person, then immediately collapses to fall asleep in the bed she made for him" song.
my friend bucky recommended this song to me for them with the logic that like, it was almost easy to hear those chorus lines as dismissive in their straightforwardness, like, do the obvious thing. and he was So right for that. and i love the idea that going to each other when they Need Help is the obvious thing in that situation because that's kinda like, the Defining element of how i view te'ijalahad
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