#Also estrogen blockers would be nice

[butch-with-a-deep-voice]

HRT and the Mental Changes of Arousal AKA How Horny "Feels"

Alright folks we need to have a conversation about how much your libido changes with transition and hormones because that was NOT talked about with the informed consent program I went through, and it honestly should have been. How I feel aroused now is so drastically different than beforehand, in both subtle and obtuse ways, and it is FASCINATING. This post is mainly going to focus on how libido and arousal mentally feel, but I have anecdotal observations on the mechanical changes if there is interest in that. Strap in, this post is gonna be a long one.

I would like to preface that this comes from my own personal experiences as a trans feminine person. If your experiences as a trans person are different, please by all means I would love to hear your input. I have been on HRT for over half a decade, and have had an orchiectomy (in layman's terms I've been fixed), so my adrenal glands do produce a classically female level of testosterone and I no longer need to be on T-blockers. I'm also demisexual, so my experience with sexuality as a baseline is a little different than most.

As someone who works great in communicating via metaphor/simile, I will provide a detailed simile for both testosterone libido, and estrogen libido. I also want to say I prefer estrogen tenfold. I pick it every single day. While I've met other trans people who disagree, my own experiences with testosterone vs. estrogen fueled libidos will fully bias the similes.

Testosterone Libido: The best way I can describe what testosterone fueled libido felt like is once you hit puberty, you have a monkey strapped to your back. Some people's monkeys are better behaved, others more belligerent. Some are more easily "calmed down", while some are more easy to excite. But at the end of the day, it's still a monkey strapped to your back.

What I mean by that is that you are always going to be aware of a goddamn monkey strapped to your back. Sometimes the little guy is silent. Maybe it's having a nap, or it's awake but contented to just quietly "look around". Every now and then it stirs, maybe someone's butt looked nice in a pair of jeans, and you're like "right, monkey..." Honestly I got so fucking annoyed with that monkey just always being there whether I wanted it or not. It's never not there.

But, then the monkey really wants something. I don't know if you've ever seen a monkey really wanting something on video, but they can get pretty demanding really fast. That monkey that's been piggy backing you starts vocalizing in your ear, screeching even. Hitting you. Pulling your hair. I WANT A FUCKING BANANA HUMAN, GIVE IT TO ME. It gets aggressively loud, often times shockingly fast. It will go from napping to throwing a tantrum in less than a minute sometimes. And all you can do is either ride it out and hope to whatever deity you pray to it calms down, or eventually give it what it wants. Hopefully you're home, and you can quickly get one out so to speak. But until then, how on earth are you supposed to be able to get ANYTHING done when there's a monkey screeching away in your ear and slamming on you.

I'm very fortunate to have been raised by a father who taught me how to ignore that monkey. How to respectfully build a resilience to it's tantrums. But, it was always there still. That monkey made me feel so shameful. I hated how often my libido was always a reminder of how aggressive being horny could feel. How blinding it had the potential to get. Often times satisfying it wasn't even pleasurable. It was so often just "oh my god fine would you please just shut the fuck up?" My relationship with my sexuality was often unhealthy as a result of this experience with arousal.

One thing I will give testosterone over estrogen though? That monkey can only get so loud. There is a "cap" for how aroused I could get with my testosterone-fueled libido. I have yet to find the cap for estrogen.

Estrogen Libido: Libido and arousal now, with a body fueled by estrogen and minimal amounts of testosterone is akin to a fine wine. It is wholly and fully intoxicating. What do I mean by that? Well, let's take an evening of drinking a fine wine that you have theoretically unlimited supply of, and you have a somewhat standard constitution.

With a single glass, you can continue to be normal. You may not even notice more than a pleasant mildly "fuzzy" feeling, and your thought patterns being influenced ever so slightly. Hell, you may not even notice those. Most around you wouldn't even guess that you've partaken. Assuming you pace yourself properly, you can "float" in that pleasant not-even-tipsy state for quite some time. That's the thing with estrogen I found. You can float in the various stages all day if you want to. "Ride the wave" as a number of my sex-positive friends have called it. There's no monkey forcing you to drink more. You can just enjoy a pleasant buzz all day (and I often have).

Let's say you have more wine though. I like to call the next stage silly arousal. You've had two glasses, maybe three depending on your tolerance. You start feeling more... unraveled. You can still think, hold a conversation, act more or less normally. But people who are more tuned in can start to tell you've had a drink. You feel friendlier, sometimes that fuzzy feeling has gotten more full bodied, your eyes linger in certain areas when looking at people longer than you'd like to admit. "Have their lips always looked that kissable?" or "Wow their waist looks really nice in that top." But you still feel like a normal person. You wouldn't say you're Horny with a capital "H", just... pleasantly activated. I will fully admit on days where I don't have to fully be a responsible adult I have floated in this stage all day long before. It's a delicious feeling to sit in.

But what if we indulge further? Usually by this point you are drinking with inebriation being a goal, whether that is a fully conscious or unconscious choice. Beforehand the other two stages can be reached over a classic "wine with dinner" situation. Light flirtation, a mildly steamy romance novel, hell maybe even scrolling through here. Now though you've had a bottle of wine, you're properly tipsy. This is where the metaphor of arousal being an inebriant comes into full swing. For me at least, it is a very full bodied feeling (that's a whole other tangent for the mechanical affects of HRT and sex life). Your judgment, thought patterns, and decision making start being heavily influenced by your mental state. Some with more willpower/constitution are still able to get by around others, you're just "acting funny". Others are so obvious when they drink it's like blood in the water for those who know what to look for. This is the stage where if I want to not make poor choices, I stop drinking so to speak. I put my hand over my proverbial glass if someone offers to pour another. I even leave the party if I have to. Why? Because just like alcohol, the jump from this stage to the next is both subtle and pervasive in how fast it hits you.

We are drinking to get drunk now. Just like the threshold between tipsy and drunk, because of how clouded you already were the transition will really sneak up on you. I get TINGLY all over from it, with sensations all over my body becoming electric. You start saying things that you would never say day-to-day. You stop being able to hide how much you've had. Heavily flirting, getting touchy, biting your lip. You can't really think of anything else outside of just how intoxicated you are. If you're someone who is particularly... self-lubricating you're fully making a wet patch in your clothing. You are DRUNK and holy shit is it amazing. Why would anyone want to not want to feel like this? Not want to healthily engage in this every day if they could? Arousal feels so fucking good with estrogen. You feel amazing, you feel confident, and you are willing to make some truly stupid decisions that you may regret because they feel good in that moment. For me at least, I would say this is roughly the area where that testosterone libido monkey can't get much louder. If arousal could be tracked on a bar graph, testosterone capped somewhere around here for me. Estrogen though...

Just like any night of drinking, you can keep going. You can be drunk, and still keep drinking (only difference here is you aren't going to be completely battering your liver doing so). Just like alcohol, this is where I think anecdotal experiences will begin to vary wildly person to person. As such I will talk about what it's like for me. I won't usually reach this stage and beyond it without the help of another person or heavily engaging in smut/pornography. This is a headspace I'm actively trying to push into. Usually by engaging in intentional denial of the act of sex/climax in some form or another while still "drinking".

Pushing beyond "drunk" arousal starts getting irresistibly pervasive, affecting just about EVERYTHING. I feel quite legitimately high off of it at times. Speech pattern gets warped beyond belief, sometimes outright going non-verbal. The slightest touch can be pleasurable. My vision will warp if it gets intense enough (and interestingly warps differently depending on domme space, sub space, or simply "feral" horny). It sometimes even gets so warped I've been known to "Etch-a-Sketch" shake my head in a futile attempt to clear it up. Being neurodivergent, stims start creeping out of the woodwork uncontrollably, I assume because of nervous system overload. My body will fully begin to "betray me" so to speak. Squirming in my seat, drooling to fully obscene degrees, muscles in my abdomen fluttering because even a stray thought caused enough arousal to engage them. If it's allowed to go long enough I will fully begin to growl or whimper passively under my breath, depending on the type of horny.

All of these are just a handful of examples as to just how utterly intoxicating arousal and libido are now with estrogen. The truly startling part of it is I have yet to find the cap to it. I've yet to go fully down that rabbit hole. Part of me is a little scared to if I'm honest. When you get to this stage and onward, your mental state is frighteningly pliable. That level of "inebriation" has fully created new kinks that I'd not had before (or at the very least were buried so deep they weren't something worth digging up). If you or your partner is someone who can reach this level of intoxicated arousal, please please please handle it with care because being ripped out of it is ROUGH on your nervous system. (ie, sub-drop and domme-drop). There are some true horror stories out there for how intense it can be. But if you can engage it safely and healthily, holy shit is it the best. I legitimately prefer it over actual chemical inebriants (although my intox kink would say otherwise).

So, this all being said, I do want to reiterate that these are simply my experiences with how much arousal and libido changed with hormone replacement therapy. Everyone's bodies will react differently, and if you've also experienced a drastic shift with HRT, and it's different to mine I would love to hear. I also have a lot of points I'd love to make on the more physical aspects, from the viscosity of self lubricants, to the fact that I can now orgasm multiple times with no "get sleepy after cumming" endorphin response. If there's interest I'd be happy to get into those.

Thanks for reading!

#trans #transgender #trans femme #sex education #trans hrt #hrt #hormones #sex positive #queer #lgbtqia+ #lgbtqia #lesbian #nonbinary #butch #sapphic #bite me #intox tw #intox

[davekat-sucks]

I left and rejoined the fandom a few times because of strange fan behavior and the fact the story was just not fun anymore and it fizzled out. The last time I left the fandom was because everyone made John into June and I didn’t understand what made him seem like a girl. when I asked someone, in a genuine way, and not in a trolling way, that someone I asked told me “John’s always been feminine. He’s super compassionate!” I was so angry at that. I remember that was the only time I was fuming over the fandom. That’s when it hit me. Being a girl to these people is being nice and compassionate! It’s just personality traits! Being a girl is a look, a fashion trend, a lifestyle to adopt! I starting to think that being transgender might just be a big joke to these people. That or I was being trolled but I was on the Offical June Stans tumblr page (no I don’t remember what it was called)

I was fuming so much I was ready to be done with Homestuck entirely but then I saw how many people thought that John’s depression and suicidal out look on life was so trans! It made me even more angry! Being trans meant being suicidal and isolating yourself! Then they went off about how Reality Doesn’t Feel Real to John which is also super trans and not just the protagonist of the story noticing he lives in a story.

Dissociating from reality and being mentally ill was what they made being trans out to be.

It was a BIG slap to the face for me. A wake up call that all the support I was pouring, not into HS but into my ideology, was a lie. I realized I was contributing to hurting people. Hurting the people I thought I was helping at it hurt me so bad. I was angry at how the queer community was destroying its own members. I am so thankful for the Homestuck fandom though, why, because it showed me the depths of the lie I was brought up to believe. That kids who grew up online are just malleable tools that can be brought up to believe in anything. We could destroy peoples careers, we could harass content creators into saying “trans rights” all while ignoring that trans rights were giving puberty blockers to teenage girls. Fun fact… did you know that teenage girls need estrogen in their system to have their spine fuse together as they grow. Now we have paralyzed kids. Now we have a high fail rate of bottom surgeries.

If I’m not mistaken didn’t you just describe the plot of Y12000 not too long ago. That is what I mean. These people think that this is activism. This is something to be proud of. I hesitate to call anything evil but this is the closest thing to it I can think of. Getting children to believe that this is what progress is. Destroy peoples bodies and minds. The worst part is is that we can’t get these people to wake up and see what is going on around them. If i speak up, I am the one who is evil. I am the one who is trying to hurt people. If I could help, I would. The only thing I do now is try to talk about positive things because I know what it is like to be in the depths. But every so often I need to say this. I am so deeply saddened by the fact that fandom is a tool used to hurt us all. Activism is a wonderful thing but now it’s been taken over by a belief system that soon will crumble from all the medical scandals.

Now anyone reading this might think I am a transphobe. No. I think that transsexualism is a thing, but most everyone actually trans says transsexual when referring to themselves. These new trans people are just making stuff up like “egg” and “xir” and disrespecting real trans people. I follow someone named Dimitri Monroe. He is bullied constantly for being a feminine man but not being trans. They call him trans and want him to realize that he is an egg that needs to hatch. I don’t know if it is because they need him to fit in the perfect little box they made for all feminine men to be in or because they want to make him into a sex object. Some times people online view trans women as breeding stalk and it’s so sexist and demeaning.

Okay I wanted to add this to what I wrote up,

Now I see that people are making June “VirskaMaxxx” which I assume means roleplaying as a girl he likes. I saw someone say something on here about Virska wanting to be like Mindfang, I don’t understand how their minds work anymore and I don’t have the stomach for it anymore. All I see here is people who think trans people are just role playing women. Trans people are playing make believe. What is anyone supposed to think in response to this? Being trans was just a fad. Being trans is like being mentally ill?

And those who disagree that are part of a certain minority group, they are outed as things like traitors, apologists, or faking their sexuality/race. It's crazy people are using stuff like the word coon ironically at another black person that does not agree with the rest of the community. The With Us or Against Us mentality has taken it to the extreme. Some don't realize that what they are enforcing is toxic positivity. Even too much of a good thing can be just as harmful. They would also subconsciously act similar to ones they hate. Like they say they hate pedophiles, but then they tell minors that sex work is fine to do. People should also be aware of the effects or reasons why the world works as it is. Like consuming too much cholesterol can cause harm to the body both short and long term if not treated. Some really have started to think science is bogus if it goes against the feelings. It just reminds me of religious fucks who dismiss science and say God is the reason why x thing happens. But instead of God, it's the overconfidence that they they believe their own words is true and everyone else is against them. People are also really reaching for something to be like an allegory for it being about trans. It's like people who read a book, book describes about a curtain being blue, and someone thinks it is about depression, when it's not and just an obvious observation to give an idea of what someone has in a building. Interpretation can be fine, but sometimes the thing is what it is and doesn't have to be that deep.

#homestuck #homestuck fandom #fandom #fandoms

[armo-fitgirl]

I don't know anymore...

I finally really put together all the means to really have a good transition but I'm thinking about just fucking not. I feel like I'm never going to move on from this part.

I just keep weighing it all up, like an engineer would. Quantifying. Asking myself if I'll be happy with a body that doesn't pass, because if I won't be then what's the point of anything. I've got like 20 more years to be hot as a guy, but my "hot girl years" are already over before they ever even started.

Sometimes I think I'd be happier just... Keeping my body how it is. But when I really think about really like "leaning into manhood" it just repulses me. I don't feel any interest in playing any typical male roles in life. I don't even really want to fuck that much, anymore; I don't want to be someone's boyfriend or husband or father. I fucking hate my male features but what can I even do about it...

And then I'm like "SURGERY! Voilà!" but it's expensive and takes time and you have to recover and somehow it just seems so extreme, all of it. Engineer-me thinks that it's all high-effort, high-cost, with little hope of good ROI.

Molly, my utterly fearless trans jungle-guide, tells me "girl, if you don't like something on yourself just go to a surgeon and cut it the fuck off. Just like that". I wish I had Molly's courage. She always gives me leftover estrogen that I never quite have the courage to use.

I have appointments with the public health system endo and the private insurance endo, and the jacked bodybuilder dude at my gym who used to try to sell me testosterone (but can also get me estrogen and t-blockers). I'm just really thinking of cancelling it all.

I don't know if I'll ever be happy in this life. I hoard money but like... For what? What future am I preparing for? I feel like I'm saving up for a family that I don't actually want to have. What good is money when anhedonia sets in?

Idk, I just started working at an office and I guess it's just affecting my psyche, somehow. It feels like I just transferred to a new school or something. Some of the girls are so beautiful and I just look at them and think "I'll never have that, no matter what I do". I just wish I could have that shape...

But I don't, so I just kind of hide. I hide behind engineering, and success, and money (and making it). I don't buy nice things. I don't drive a nice car. I don't have nice clothes. I don't care about the status or the baubles; I'm really just after the distraction, the escape... A thing that consumes me completely.

I hope that my life has a chapter beyond this one, in which I am a 40-year-old woman who is totally fuckable and wife-shaped, actually.

#trans blog #blog #transgender #actually mtf

[jonoodles]

It's not hard to understand why there are more out trans people now if you aren't a dullard acting in bad faith. When the threat of violence and legal marginalization was even more of a threat, people lived whole lives in the closet or just commited suicide quietly, not adding to the statistic. Pretty easy conclusion.

I can also say anecdotally that being on estrogen has been far more helpful than the cocktail of SSRIs, Stimulants, and Antipsychotics I've been made to take since I was 11. And I know that being on puberty blockers instead would have spared me a lot of pain

I imagine you're going to pretend you're against all those medications for children too. Even though it's far more widespread and harmful, it's clearly a lower priority to you. And you're going to continue credulously qouting the same psych industry that doles out those meds numbers on diagnosable gender dysphoria.

Either way as shitty as you are I hope you find happinees some day. I mean performative Christian whose obssessed with us, come on, we've all seen where this goes before.

Until that day stop shitting up our tags, I'm trying to look at nice posts on my lunch break.

So this person is saying people who are in the closet also commit suicide, because they couldn't come out and be themselves. (I believe that's what they are saying). I agree that is probably true. And I am not saying trans people commit suicide because they are trans people. I am saying they commit suicide because they struggle and I think we need to help them not only by transitioning them but offering counseling and such. It is simply a fact, I am not attempting to weaponize it, against trans people but rather people who say cis people are just jealous.

Now please do not be offended by my response.

Was it hard to get put on estrogen? Were you diagnosed with gender dysphoria? What was it like to get put on estrogen? I disagree that puberty blockers are a good thing. I still don't think children can consent.

If you're 18 I have no qualms with your transition. I don't applaud you as a hero. But I'll let you live your life. I don't think being trans is really a big deal. Unless it is a child who has yet to go through puberty.

You bring up a good point with the other medication kids can be on

Those medications for children: SSRIs ( anti depressants I believe), stimulants, and anti psychotics. The reason I am somewhat okay with those for kids is because they do not change your body's function or structure on a physical scale to such a great extent as puberty blockers. (Ex: they do not change your bone density ect..) I wish kids didn't have to be on them (anti depressants and such), but sometimes their situations call for it. That should be a medical choice that involves a professional and their parents.

Another thing on that point is: no one is glorifying their mass amount of medication. (Well some are but not the extent of people glorifying being trans)

We can probably both agree being trans is a difficult journey. That is why it is not fit for a child.

I do not enjoy being called a performative Christian. I don't care how you judge me but rather how God would.

Isaiah 56:1 (NIV)

“This is what the Lord says: “Maintain justice and do what is right, for my salvation is close at hand and my righteousness will soon be revealed.”

Here are my beliefs layed out for you to attack as you please;

I disagree with transition as a Christian (that means I will not transition myself or encourage it). But I believe from a legal standpoint adults have the right to do as they please to their bodies. Children do not because they are underaged.

I believe your best point was about the use of other drugs on children. But you still failed to actually defend your case as a whole. You have mainly attacked my character. Which isn't really what invalidates an idea.

I would also like to know what it is like for you to be on estrogen. If you don't respond that's fine, if you would just tell me about it in an "ask" I won't respond publicly to it. I am genuinely just curious.

Thank you for your ask ♥️

~ 𝒥ℴ 🪐

#trans ideology #trans agenda #trans #gay agenda #gays against groomers #gay #nonbinary #non binary #ask #no seriously

[michaelmilligan]

Other trans person: Hey fam, it's my hormonversary, I've been on HRT for XX months now!

Me: Transition goals.

#Listen I don't have a lot of goals right now #Just starting HRT is the dream tbh #Maybe possibly getting some stubble would be nice #But rn any of that seems so far away bc I'm stuck in a step along the way and nothing is moving and I'm so tired #If it wasn't dangerous I'd be seriously considering getting some T without a prescription #But honestly having a doctor to discuss your dosage with seems pretty important #Also estrogen blockers would be nice #Tldr: ugh I want the T juice #Gimme the T juice #All this red tape I need to get through is so fucking unnecessary #Trans stuff #Rant

[yikesharringrove]

I love your trans Stevie au so much! I was wondering were Stevie and billy already together when she came out or did they get together after?

I’m gonna write the big fic I have planned for mtf stevie, so I decided to explore something different than what my plan is for that one

modern

Under the cut for some very brief transphobia and a mention of self harm/vague intonations of suicide, Billy talks about his dad (nothing is graphic, but still thought I’d warn)

-

Billy figured he would be the talk of the damn town he stomped out the Camaro and into the school like he owned the place.

He thought everyone would stare at the vintage muscle car, thought girls would whisper behind their hands as he walked down the hall.

And as he looked across the parking lot, he got a taste of what he wanted, saw a few curious glances to his California plates.

But then a sleek black BMW pulled into the space next to his, a beautiful brunette girl getting out of the driver’s seat.

It was like a hush fell over the lot.

Everyone stared at her as she walked into the school, head held high, shoulders back.

Billy followed her into the school, watching her closely.

Her hands trembled as she opened her locker, carefully placing textbooks inside.

He wanted to know what her deal was.

He leaned against her locker.

“You new here, too?” She looked over at him, smiling weakly.

“In a way.” He held out his hand.

“Billy Hargrove.”

“Stevie Harrington.” He took her hand in his, made sure to smirk just so.

“You think you could help me find my first period? I just moved here, and didn’t manage to get a tour before the first day.” She flushed a little.

“Um, can I see your schedule?” She scanned over it.

“Oh man, you’ve got Andrews for English. She was a nightmare. I had her two years ago.” Billy furrowed his brows.

“I thought you were new-”

“Harrington’s a fucking tranny!” Stevie’s reaction was immediate.

The second the shout came from down the hall, she slammed her locker shut, shoving Billy’s schedule at him.

“Have a good first day.” She practically ran down the hall.

Billy looked back at the group of rowdy guys, all laughing as Stevie darted down the hall.

“Hey! What the fuck?” Billy stomped up to them, shoving the one that yelled against the lockers. “Don’t fucking say that!”

“Dude, that’s fucking Alex Harrington. He like, disappeared last year. He’s a fucking tra-”

Billy didn’t let him finish the sentence.

Punched him square in the nose.

“Don’t ever fucking using that word. You’re fucking disgusting.” He glared at each of the guys in turn. “If I fucking see, or hear, or get any kinda wind of y’all fucking with her, I’m gonna break all ‘a your noses.”

He smirked as they fucking cowered.

Yeah. Bow to your new fucking King.

-

He found Stevie back at her locker a few minutes into the lunch period.

He leaned on the lockers next to hers again.

“This place fucking sucks.” She gave him an odd look. “Apparently y’all have to eat in the cafeteria. At my old school, I used to eat out on the football field.”

“Yeah, we don’t really have a football field.” She closed her locker quietly. She was fidgeting with her hands.

“You don’t got a lucnh?”

“I, uh, I usually buy it. But I don’t really wanna, wanna face everyone in there.” Her voice was small, and she was avoiding eye contact.

“I could bring you something. Or stand in line with you, or something.” She looked up at him, biting the inside of her cheek.

“Is this a joke?”

“No?”

“Or like, like a prank?”

“No. I’m really offering.” He tried to keep his face open, wanted her to trust him.

“Um, I guess it would be okay if you stood with me.” They set off down the hall. “But you don’t have to sit with me, or anything.”

“Why wouldn’t I?” She huffed a laugh.

“Did you hear what Tommy yelled this morning?”

“Yeah, I did. Punched him out for it.” Stevie stopped in her tracks, whirling around to look incredulously at Billy.

“You what?”

“He shouldn’t’ve said that.”

“Billy, he wasn’t lying-”

“That’s not what I meant. He shouldn’t have used that specific word, and he shouldn’t’ve fucking outed you. It’s your choice if you want to be out or not.” Her eyes were even fucking bigger than usual as she looked at him.

“I mean, I don’t really have a choice in a town this size. Especially because, because everyone knew me before.”

“Still, it was fucked up. And that wasn’t okay.” They began walking again.

“Um, thank you, Billy. I was wondering who busted Tommy’s face. He’s gotta big mouth. Gets punched a lot.” Billy laughed, and was delighted to see Stevie give him a little half smile. 

The smile was gone when they reached the cafeteria.

But Billy stayed in line next to Stevie. She insisted on buying him a cookie, but he split it in half when they found a table in the back corner of the cafeteria, nudging part of it over to her.

She was tense all through lunch, waiting for something to happen.

Billy reached across the table, taking her hand.

“You’re really brave. You know that, right?” She bit her lip.

“I’m so fucking scared.”

“I know you are. And honestly, it makes sense you’re scared. But I’m here for you, and if anyone gets fresh, they can fucking catch these hands.” She laughed softly.

“Thank you. I really don’t think I could’ve made it today without you.” She took a shaky breath. “You know, I came out to my parents a few years ago. They were, it was bad. And I had to, you know stay in the closet. And at the end of last year, in like, Novemner I, I went through some stuff, and I just, I snapped. I tried to hurt myself. And I think it really opened my mom’s eyes that, that I wasn’t faking. So she talked my dad into letting me transition.” She was playing with her napkin.

“Thank you for telling me.” Billy squeezed her hand. “We moved here because my dad got arrested. And he wanted to come start fresh.”

“Do you, can I ask why he got arrested?”

“He broke my collarbone. Pushed me down the porch stairs. Our neighbors saw.”

“Billy, oh my God, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay. I mean, it’s not really, but I just wanted you to know. I get the shitty parent thing.” She smiled at him.

“Would you, would you want to come over? After school?” Her cheeks were a little flushed.

“I’d love to.”

-

Stevie had neglected to tell him that she lived in a fucking mansion.

Billy stared at it as he parked behind her.

“When the fuck were you gonna tell me you were loaded?” She blushed.

“Um, I kinda forget you’re not from here. That you don’t already know all my business.”

She led him upstairs to her bedroom. It was immaculately clean, but so very plain.

“My mom was real serious about designing our whole house. She’s in the process of redoing my room right now. I mean, I didn’t really mind, but I think she’s trying to make amends, really show me she accepts me.” Billy sat down at her desk as she made a home for herself on the bed.

“That’s pretty cool of her.”

“Yeah. She’s trying. My dad still calls me Alex most days, though.”

“Do you mind if I ask you why you picked Stevie?”

“Um, Stevie Nicks, actually. I just really respect her and I always liked the name.”

“God, my mom loved Fleetwood Mac. She had all their albums on vinyl, and we’d listen to Tusk, and just like, scream it.”

“Your mom sounds nice.” Billy smiled tightly at her.

“She was.” Stevie’s eyes went wide.

“I’m sorry.” Billy shrugged.

“My stepmom’s not too bad. And my little sister’s a hoot. She’s such a little spitfire, you two would so get along.” He sat back in the desk chair, looking at the things on her desk.

There was a jar she had written on with gold sharpie. It had a few bills and was about half full of change. Curling handwriting spelled Pussy Fund. Billy snorted when he saw it. He held it up to her.

“Pussy Fund?” She laughed.

“I was gonna call it the Coochie Collection but that felt a little crass.”

“That felt crass?” She laughed again.

“My dad’s insurance covers hormones, but nothing else, really, so I’m saving up for confirmation surgery.” Billy dug through his pocket, found three wadded bills, slapping them through the little opening in the top of the jar. “Billy, wait, you don’t have to-”

“Oh, come on. It’s three bucks. You’re my only friend in this damn town. Gonna support the garbage outta you.” She beamed at him.

He phone chimed.

“Oh, hell yeah. It’s hormone o’clock.” She pulled a black bag out of her backpack. She rifled through it, loading a syringe. “Okay, I’ll be back.” She closed the bathroom door softly behind her.

He peaked at the contents of the back. She had a few pills, needles in sterile packaging, antiseptic wipes, sanitizer and latex gloves. Billy stood up to look at the little bottle of clear liquid, estrogen.

She smiled brightly when she came out of the bathroom.

“How long have you been on hormones?” She cleaned up her little bag.

“Um, since January 6th. So just about nine months now. I was just on blockers for a while, and then they introduced the estrogen. And I though giving myself shots was gonna be a big nightmare, but I actually kinda like it.”

“I think that makes sense. It’s helping you.”

“Well, and I feel like everything changed so fast, like looking at pictures from before, I look so different. It’s like my body was just waiting to catch up to my brain.”

“I think it was. Just needed a push in the right direction.”

“Plus, I was always kind of a pretty boy. Like, once I figured out how to do my makeup, how to soften some of the edges, it was pretty easy to really feminize my face.” She stood in front of him, showing her a picture on her phone. “That was from like, last October.”

It was a nice selfie, and she looked quite similar. In the image, Stevie’s hair was shorter, but still closer to her shoulders.

But Billy thinks there was a huge difference between the Stevie in the picture, and the Stevie right in front of him.

Her cheeks were fuller now, her eyes brighter. Her hair was long, bu it was also way thicker.

She just looked so much fucking happier.

“You look a lot happier, now.”

“I am. A lot happier.” She was quiet, swiping through a few more old photos.

“I’m happy for you.” Billy reached out for her, touching her waist softly. “Would you, would you want to go on a date sometime?”

She took a step back.

“Look, you can say no, and I’ll still happily be your friend, I just, I like you a lot, Stevie.

“I um, I don’t know.” She sat heavily on her bed. “Last year, I was dating this girl. We had been together for like, a few months, and I really, I really loved her. So I came out to her, and she, she called me a freak, and disgusting, and stuff.” She was hugging herself, looking the floor.

“Is that one of the things that made you snap?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry. We don’t have to date, that’s okay, Stevie. Focus on yourself. I’m still your friend.”

“I think, I think I do want to date you. You’ve been nothing but kind to me, and I mean, you already know all my baggage. And I’ve known you for like, ten hours.”

“Don’t pressure yourself into something if you’re not ready to date.”

“It’s been almost a year, Billy. And I’ve spent a lot of time in therapy in that year.” She looked up at him, her eyes bright. “Yeah, I wanna go on a date with you.”

And then she did the cutest little wiggle, moving her hips like she couldn’t contain her excitement.

“Friday night? Pick you up at eight?”

“Better make it seven. Things close early around here.”

“You honestly might be the only good thing about this fucking town.”

#yikes writes #tw transphobia #harringrove #harringrove fic #harringrove ficlet #harringrove drabble #steve harrington #steve harrington x billy hargrove #billy hargrove #billy hargrove x steve harrington #trans steve harrington #trans steve #trans!steve harrington #trans!steve #mtf!steve #mtf!steve harrington

[theygender]

Hello I am 13 and I am reaching out to you because I want to transition to a female and I always have since I was 6 or 7 but lately it has been all that's on my mind and was wondering what the first steps of transitiong are and if I should tell my parents and 4 siblings I am the youngest

Thank you for reaching out to me anon, I'm sorry it took me so long to get to this message but I'll try to answer to the best of my ability

When it comes to whether or not to come out to your family, that's entirely dependent on your situation and where your comfort level is. If you feel that your family would be supportive then coming out to them could be very helpful. They may be able to help you buy new clothes and other supplies for example, and if you would like to socially transition (ie start living as a girl at school/etc) then they may be able to help with that as well. Additionally, if you want to seek any form of medical transition or change your name legally then you would need their permission to do so as a minor

On the other hand, if you feel unsafe coming out to your family or you feel like you're not ready, you're under no obligation to do so. You can wait until you're ready to come out to them or even choose to never come out to them at all if that's what would be best for you. In that case, if you have any supportive friends you want to come out to I've found that friends can be a great source of support. They may not be able to buy things for you or help you medically transition, but it's nice to have someone who has your back and sees you for who you really are. If you can't or don't want to come out to your friends you're not required to do that either though

The first steps of transitioning are completely up to you as well. If you want to try wearing girl's clothes and/or makeup and you're able to do so, that may be a good place to start. Some people feel overwhelmed trying to dress super feminine for the first time, so you may want to start off with baby steps. If you would like to buy some girl's clothes, here's a quick guide to converting between men's and women's sizes. If you would like to try makeup (which you aren't required to do if you don't want to) I found this beginner makeup tutorial for trans girls that explains everything in easy terms

When it comes to medically transitioning, one thing to know is that it's not a requirement for being trans and it's entirely up to you when or if you would like to pursue it. If this is something you want to seek out right now though and you have the ability to do so, one thing you might expect your doctor to recommend are puberty blockers. These are hormones that will hold off puberty until you, your parents, and your doctor can determine whether or not hormone replacement therapy would be the right choice for you. If it's not right for you then you can be taken off of the blockers and still go through "male" puberty like your body would naturally. If HRT is right for you then your doctor may prescribe hormones such as estrogen to help you go through "female" puberty. Depending on where you live you may need to get a note from a therapist before you can be considered for HRT or puberty blockers

If you have any other questions feel free to send me a message and I'll answer to the best of my ability. I would also recommend checking out @transgenderteensurvivalguide as they have a lot of good resources for young trans people

#ask #anonymous

[scramblednoodle]

Day 1

So here we are.  Last we talked, I was contemplating the concept of death, and the way I approached it.  That was...2019?  My friend with ALS died.  Bean died.  And then J and I had the most amazing trip of our lives, a distraction we sorely needed, a trip across the country over 30 days and 8500 miles, camper trailer in tow.  Amazing time, amazing trip.  Did we do Burning Man?  I think we did Burning Man.  Then CFT, then the holidays, then 2020 came around, and we did Further Confusion, with Vardaman gigs interspersed between.

And then Covid19 happened.

I don’t want to talk about all of the things that have happened since then.  I’ll give a summary, though.  We found VR and found a whole new dimension of socializing.  We’ve made a TON of friends, more than we have ever made at any con, and maybe more than we’ve made at many of those cons combined, and we’ve gotten closer to some of our existing friends.  I’ve lost a ton of weight.  We got a kitten.  We’ve stayed home, we don’t eat out, save for the occasional Taco Bell/Papa Murphy’s take-out.  A lot of stuff has been done at home and with the house.  We got a 3d printer, a kegerator, and a freeze dryer.  Life has slowed down, but time has sped forward, and the two are oddly disjunct.

But that’s not what I wanted to talk about.

See, sitting at home, doing things, and not being distracted by going out all the time has caused a certain amount of reflection.  A LOT of reflection.  I’ve had to face some things, and as a result, I’ve realized some things.  Last year I started having a gender identity crisis.  This mulled around in my head, until I slowed down, until life calmed down and I was forced to delve deep and explore this.  Early this year, shortly after FC, I admitted that I was trans, to myself, and to those that know me.  I came out on Twitter, to massive amounts of support.  I mean, folks who knew me well probably weren’t all that surprised, except that it took me so long.  To others, maybe it broadsided them, but I have thought of myself as “she” for so long, and been called “She” or “Lady” or “Her” or “Mistress” or whatever for so long, maybe it got taken for granted.

I was undecided on transitioning, but always kept the option open.  Since I’d been losing weight, I set a goal:  if I could hit 220, I would “consider” transitioning.

Let’s go back to the cross-country trip.  I stopped shaving during that trip.  I grew a great, big, Pacific NorthWest beard.  MANLY beard.  Bushy in all the right ways.  I got complimented on my beard.

I started to hate my beard.

Denial-beard, it’s called, amongst some transgender folks.  For my birthday this year I bought the nicest electric razor I have ever in my life owned, and was more expensive than my last 4 electric razors combined.  For my birthday, I shaved my denial beard.  It was the first time I had entirely removed my facial hair in years, and certainly the first time without it AND embracing my transgender self.

I loved what I saw in the mirror.  I loved her so much that I decided that my goal of hitting a weight and then transitioning was purely a projection of my continued belief that in order to physically become the woman I am inside, that I had to be svelte.  Thinner.  Sleeker.  Beautiful.

What a bunch of rubbish.

I saw myself as a woman in the mirror for the first time in my life, and I felt nothing but giddy joy.  I’m starting to tear up at the memory of it.  Do you have any fucking idea how HARD it is to look at yourself in a mirror for FORTY THREE YEARS and hate yourself?  I bet more than one of you do.

Between 2007 and 2009 I went from 308lbs to 175lbs.  I looked GOOD.  I had hot men wanting to touch me, to fuck me.  It was nice to be liked.

I hated who I saw in the mirror.  And I eventually hated what being fit and thin and desired turned me into.  A Fitness TYRANT.  My way or no way.  I started to look down on those who could not do what I did.  It was gross.

Harley died, work went to shit, and over the next 10 years or so, I put most of the weight back on.

Still hated who I saw in the mirror.

And then, thanks to Covid, I saw a woman in the mirror, and for the first time, I understood.

Fuck the weight goal.  I talked to my therapist.  I needed a head check.  Is this me?  Am I doing the right thing?  Is this a phase?  A phase, LOL.

I’ve presented as a woman online since 1997.  It started as an excuse to have cyber with straight guys; at least. that’s what I told myself.  It felt comfortable from day 1.  Over the years, my male characters either fell to the wayside, or became women themselves.  So easy, transitioning in a side reality.  Very few people would judge, and those who did would easily be blocked or ignored.  I felt comfortable.

When I started to date Kiteless, many years ago, his circles had no problems with she/her pronoun with relation to me.  After all, I was not the only dragoness with a misidentified physical body.  It was...nice.  For the first time, I felt like I could be accepted.  I WAS accepted, as who I felt I was.  That persisted, and continues to persist.  When I started dating J, he would always refer to me as “Lady”.  He never had a problem with my gender, though it took him a while to realize that it was not just a kink for me, that I was not doing it to tease him, but that I was doing it because it was how I felt comfortable.  I think he understands it now.

Speaking of understanding, it was about the time I decided to go through with HRT that the real wall started to erect itself.  Something that grew and grew, and grew strong.

My Dad.

Don’t misunderstand, it wasn’t anything he did or said.  My dad is Puerto Rican, and he’s Military.  He lives and breathes the US Army, even though he’s long retired.  I don’t think he understands how to function back in the world.  I don’t think he can handle the entropy.  Or at least, it’s not an entropy he understands.  But this makes him subject to, let’s just say, a rather blunt, lopsided, and sometimes outdated view of the world.

How in the hell would he accept that his son was going to become his daughter?

So I started to build this wall in my head.  Out of bricks that I made myself.  Bricks based on assumption and self-projection.  I have ever been my own worst enemy, and this was no exception.

There is a memory, a very NOT FOND memory I have.  Before I left home, before I escaped from under HIS roof (and he never let us forget that), my parents found out I was gay.  At one point, my dad and I got into an argument, and he said “They need to take you out like that kid in Colorado and beat you.”  He was referring to Matthew Shepard, a gay college kid who was beaten severely in Laramie, WY, and later died in Ft Collins, CO.

I’ve never forgiven my dad for that comment.  I don’t know if I ever can.  The comment came from a place of ignorance and anger, but it came from him, it came from within, and it was directed at his child.  I will never forget that moment, and that moment will forever color the way I interact with him.

SO!  You can understand, perhaps, why I was terrified of telling him.  Despite our rocky relationship over the years, I do love my dad, and he’s the person in the world that, for a long time, I most wanted approval from.  In a way, I still do, and I will probably always want his approval.  Now, my mom accepted who I was without issue.  She’s always been supportive, though there was a time when I think she was hurt that I would never give her grandkids. :P  She follows me Twitter, so it was pretty clear to her what was happening with me, though she somehow missed the big news, that I was going to transition.

It was hard to tell her, but as I expected, she was supportive.  Very supportive.  I’m blushing just thinking about it, the feeling of my mom calling me her girl.  I never would have thought I’d get to this point.

When I first broached transition with my therapist, after much handwringing and self-questioning, the expectation was that I was going to start a long process of approval.  I would need to go through my Primary Care physician, then see an endocrinologist, then get a letter of recommendation from my therapist, then be evaluated for medications.  My doctor was a small-town, country doctor who didn’t listen, and whose answer to everything was Flonase.  He was OBSESSED with allergies and nasal steroids.  I was really dubious he’d be on-board with helping me transition.  So, of course I changed PCPs.  J and I were already super dissatisfied with him, so it was a no-brainer.  Ended up at OHSU, with a primary care doc who specialized in gender confirming action and therapies.  We talked.  I got a lab panel done.  And then suddenly she was prescribing me estrogen and testosterone blockers.

My expectation of 6 months was suddenly obliterated, and boy did the doubt start.  Am I doing the right thing?  Oh my god, I’m not ready for this.  I was supposed to have SIX MONTHS, and it took ONE AND A HALF.

Things moved fast after that.  A few more doctor appointments.  Some medication research.  Some frozen sperm, just in case.

Yesterday was...a roller coaster.  Yesterday, the meds showed up in the mail.  Yesterday, I got the notification that my sperm was accepted into the sperm bank and was healthy and viable.  Yesterday, I called my mom, and we talked for almost 2 hours.  It was a lovely conversation.  And I asked her to help me tell my dad.

A very short while later, I received a message from my dad.  It was cryptic, but Dad is ESL, so he doesn’t really enunciate the way most folks do.  Blunt, coarse, direct, and with odd modifier choices.  Nonetheless he made one thing clear.

He loved me no matter what.

I cried for 30 minutes straight.  My paper towels were a sopping mess of tears and snot.  I was a mess.  

I also felt more free than I’ve been in a long, long time.  That wall I built got torn down, and good riddance.  *I* built that wall, out of my own fear and projected doubts.  It was a real wall.  Those fears were real feelings.  Unfounded, but REAL.  And they’ve finally crumbled.  Finally.

I took my first HRT pills this morning.  As I understand it, I’ll be on them for at least 3 years, assuming I stick with it.  I can expect a second puberty before any physical changes.  In 6 months or something, physical changes will begin to occur, but right now I’m just...Well, my head is spinning.  I still have doubts, but since yesterday, they’re quieter.  They’re less pronounced.  They’re mostly based around trying not to get shanked by a Good ‘Ol Boy.  The usual.

And now we come to today.

Today is a special day.  Today is my Day 1.  Today begins the rest of my life.

I’m scared, I’m excited, I’m nervous, I’m giddy.  I am as confused a jumble as I ever was.  But I’m pretty sure of one thing:

This is right.

My intent to is journal things now and then.  Thoughts, worries, etc.  We’ll see how it goes. )

Peace, y’all.

#transgender #transitioning #self doubt #hopeful #anxiety #joy

[ryttu3k]

Robo-Syrneas, vaporwave-Syrneas (can't remember their proper name, whoops!), and Modern AU Link! ☾ - sleep headcanon★ - sad headcanon☆ - happy headcanon■ - Bedroom/house/living quarters headcanon☮ - friendship headcanon♦ - quirks/hobbies headcanon☯ - likes/dislikes headcanon♒ - cooking/food headcanon☼ - appearance headcanonൠ - random headcanon

For reference, vaporwave!Syrneas is the one in these pictures, and modern AU Link is my BotW daughter (with a few changes, since I drew this pre-canon). For robo!Syrneas, going to go with the AU where, between cycles of Xerneas being awake and active, Kalos builds a robot version in their image to maintain the land.

Sleep headcanon: Robo!Syrneas - well, robot, haha. That said, they’re solar powered, and so usually take advantage of that fact to go into sleep mode at night. It’s useful both for maintenance and for appearing more… organic, I guess?

Vaporwave!Syrneas - he gets energy from living energy, so living in a city, he literally doesn’t sleep. He’s a little more low-energy at night, but there’s still plenty of activity around the place to keep him going, so no sleep there.

And Link is just a regular human who needs sleep like anyone else, and while she’d rather be up and about and doing things, she does like sleeping in XD

Under a cut, this gets long!

Sad headcanon: Robo!Syrneas - just going to go with Robo - is, well, lonely. There’s no one else like them in the world - there are other robots, but they alone were modelled after a god and given this huge responsibility. Friends would be very nice!

Vaporwave - let’s go with that - isn’t so much sad as angry and frustrated. The world used to be so goddamn lush and now there’s concrete everywhere and it’s uncool. He used to be a deity of forests, now he’s a deity of, well, weeds, and it’s kind of a downgrade, y'know!

And Link (no name change there, whew) is a resiliant, tough teenage girl, but she still has those moments of insecurity; her father still very much wants her to join the army eventually, he thinks she could be brilliant in it, and she just. Wants to be a chef.

Happy headcanon: PLANTS MAKE ROBO HAPPY. FLOWERS. SUNSHINE. BEING OUTDOORS. Like tbh even if they weren’t programmed to replace Xerneas they’d probably still end up as a gardener or something.

Vaporwave also loves plants and sunshine but it’s more of this sense of almost like? Smug satisfaction? Like “fuck you concrete my plants can kick your ass”, haha.

Link is made happy with food. Please give her nice food. Or cookbooks and ingredients, it’s like food with some assembly required. And she actually enjoys assembling it, so there is that!

Bedroom/house/living quarters headcanon: Robo lives outside :D Don’t worry, they’re waterproof! They just sort of roam from natural environment to natural environment, and take shelter anywhere necessary during bad weather.

Vaporwave also roams a lot, but he does at least have a sort of home. …It’s an abandoned mall that was once very classy and had marble statues and shit, and then it was industrialised and got full of neon, and now it’s abandoned and full of plants. Somehow, the muzak is still playing. Plantwave af, basically!

And Link, again, has the most normal home - she lives in an apartment with her father near the military base where he works. Her room is full of photos (mostly taken by Zelda) and a general colour scheme of blue and white, with lots of potted plants and… usually a few plates, bowls, and glasses that she needs to take to the kitchen :|

Friendship headcanon: Robo has plant friends :’) Honestly, no, it’s a pretty isolated life, and they don’t communicate with a lot of people, unfortunately!

Vaporwave has one friend, and that’s Diantha/Diancie, who’s sort of a sibling, too. They’re familiar with the other fairies (the Tapus and Magearna), but honestly Magearna legit wigs him out because she’s an artificial fairy what is this fuckery and the Tapus have their own territories to protect.

Link makes friends easily and happily - while Zelda is her best friend, she’s also really good friends with Mipha and Sidon, Riju (who’s like a little sister), Yunobo (who she babysits sometimes), and sees Urbosa, Daruk, and Kass as older siblings, almost. She, uh, doesn’t get on well with Revali, too much of a rivalry going on there, haha.

Quirks/hobbies headcanon: Look, don’t tell anyone, but Robo actually really enjoys reality TV. Shhh.

‘Fucking with humans’ isn’t really a hobby for Vaporwave, it’s more a career description ;D But really, he’ll often go to human-habitated areas and sometimes? Play tricks? Mostly benignly, but he is a fairy, I mean come on. Trickery is in their blood.

Link is sporty! She likes horse riding, she likes archery, she likes swimming, running, climbing… always on the move, basically. She’s on the school track team, although there’s sometimes a bit of legal fuckery in interscholastic meets because not all the schools accept her as part of the girls’ team even though she’s been on puberty blockers since she was eleven and is now on estrogen and doesn’t have any ‘too masculine’ characteristics and is short af so why can’t she compete with the girls, huh? Totally rude.

Likes/dislikes headcanon: Robo loves plants ;D But really, they’re kind of singleminded in that they weren’t really programmed for much else, so it’s like PLANTS ANIMALS NATURE some other stuff NATURE PLANTS bits and pieces NATURE ANIMALS PLANTS. The bits and pieces do have individual likes and dislikes that have nothing to do with their programming, though; they like reality TV shows, especially interior decorating stuff, and the smell of coffee, and they really, really dislike cars. Not because they pollute, but because they’re too noisy! >:(

Vaporwave likes the wilderness. Which mostly no longer exists in this AU. He tends to watch nature documentaries to feel better, then gets upset at the lack of them, and it’s. Complicated. So that would be both a like and a dislike, probably! For more straightfoward likes - coffee and food.

For Link, see lead image :D

Cooking/food headcanon: Irrelevant for Robo. They’re solar-powered! They do like the smell of some foods, though, especially coffee.

Vaporwave doesn’t need to eat, but enjoys doing so, he just hasn’t bothered to learn how to cook. He tends to trick humans into giving him nice foods, stuff like that, since, well, being a nature fairy doesn’t really pay that well, haha.

And Link’s greatest love :’) Her father taught her the basics, and she taught herself the rest, out of cooking shows, cookbooks, and her own intuition. Her favourite ingredients to work with are fruity dishes and mushroom dishes, although she also makes a damn good risotto, and a fruit cake that Zelda would go to war for.

Appearance headcanon: This is easier with visuals! For robo!Syrneas, just pick and choose from this tag tbh it keeps changing. The usual standards are a floral-print sweater, shorts, and gumboots, though. They range in colours and patterns but that’s the general theme, and they like modifying their appearance with floral decals!

Vaporwave is linked above. He always covers his eyes, though, since… well, fairy. It doesn’t show so well in the pictures, but he has rainbow strands through his hair, like random hair that’s just the colour of Xerneas’ canon horns.

And Link… Link is short :’) Why is everyone else so tall. Why. Riju, get over here and stand next to Link so she feels tall. She also usually has hair clips, thanks to Zelda. While she does like pretty dresses, since she’s so active, she’ll usually default to pants and t-shirts she can run around in, and saves the prettier stuff for more formal occasions.

Random headcanon: *collapses face first on the post*

#syrneas #robo!syrneas #plantwave!syrneas #modern au #au all the things #zelda #pokemon #breath of the wild #sort of #link #professor sycamore #xerneas #robots

[agtransgender12-blog]

A barrier to peace, well one of many I bet

When your brain has kept you alive, and activity and staying busy distracted you, and a plan in motion is best left alone. When plans fail and things change, you must decide to win or fail or survive. Most failed plans can teach you what not to do. Failure if long enough can be an instinctual belief that will be your biggest hurdle to a new path. My example: fork in the road was pick a gender with life and my birth condition as handicaps. I choose male and even after a failed surgery I doubled down on a long con. Convince everyone you are the badass male, the scary aggressive gorilla. Hormonally, I was male thanks to pharmeceuticals. My muscles, the army, my friends and to everyone I was male 100%. But not to me. I was always the outsider. Foster kid, the birth defect, leader because I could not stand to fail, combat army, corporate security, law school (female lawyers do get treated different), I had one bet-take low doses and keep estrogen from destroying male ability to have children and Menopause before my liver failed or I died. From 96 the tests were showing deterioration. So, I hate surgeries and do believe I will die if I try to escape my born fate. Vivid dreams and a true belief. I have had doctors tell me the risks and the realities. I find no comfort in either. No one wants to be a fucking "it". I by programming have hated mirrors in fear of seeing female genetics in my appearance. This also made me not a huge fan of tomboys. As I never wanted to be seen as that, which would mean my male role would not be convincing enough. The problem is I am like a voice accent, that sets at 13 years old. I spent 23 years taking androgens and estrogen blockers and playing the male and not some nice soft male. I made sure I walked like a male, talked like a male, cussed and threatened like a male. I am a control freak, so I would never break male character, and only my dreams could betray that. Those annoying dreams where my subconscious put me in a gender role, that did not match what everyone knew me as. 1. Double mastectomy and a bad liver equals "IT" 2. Tomboy Is really my only barely survival path. Soft skin is a seriously big adjustment. I currently look like a 7yo that just learned to ride a bike on asphalt. Scrapped Knee, gashed shin, scratches and cuts everywhere. The less muscles is an adjustment, the less muscle endurance and quicker fatigue is also an adjustment. I do feel like a weight is off me a bit, since I don't let people knowing my birth condition harm me now. I do accept and not dislike my friends talking about views, body image and perspectives about genders and their differences The pressure seems most when good friends notice changes, or ask my plan of appearance or my comfort level currently. I have NONE. Work in progress. Survival is the mission currently.

[hoodowner82]

Choosing the Right Thinning hair Shampoo to bar the DHT

Have you been balding or thinning? but have you ever determined what the cause of it really is? There may be plenty of issues that causes your hair loss. There are a few factors that cause it for example stress, diet, genes, hormonal imbalance, thyroid problems, oral contraceptives, giving birth and various others. The only effective way to discover the cause of hair loss is made for you to pay a visit to your doctor and discuss these items with her or him. He or she may recommend a thinning hair shampoo and a few other forms of treatments in addition to things that you can do to help halt the problem.

So what is it you can do about it? After you have determined the main cause, you will need to eliminate the cause of nice hair loss and you then can have nice hair grown back the conventional way again. However if you have male pattern baldness or female male pattern hair loss that would not very simple. The reason behind male and female pattern baldness is DHT or perhaps the chemical dihydrotestosterone. The testosterone hormone creates DHT by combining with the 5 alpha reductase enzymes. The testosterone is mainly a male hormone so male pattern baldness can form that face men after puberty but many often it starts in males when the reach the middle age. For females, the testosterone is not that dominant and it is kept in check by the female hormone estrogen. Each time a woman undergoes the menopause phase, the estrogen level actually starts to decrease thus allowing her testosterone to build up dht blocker. When it binds with the hair follicle, it will choke it to death so thinning hair occurs. For this type of hair thinning problem, a hair loss shampoo that aims to battle DHT is the greatest solution to get. Because the condition is most modern in men, it is vital that women would see to it that they never mistake their shampoo with those sold for males. It is not planning to help them should they will use these super strong shampoos. Also make sure that you do not stress yourself a lot of. It is understandable that there would be a number of worried moments but never allow yourself to drown in all of these things. Whenever you can, see the light and grab every chance of clearing the mind. If you think that chemically formulated shampoos certainly are a risk to take, then get into some natural products first for they are known to have less negative effects or even without these at all. You should also keep in mind that there are thousands of people out there who would desire to escape from the situation the same eager way that you do at this time. See to it that you'd not let anything worry you also much for your solution is within your easy grasp. Your hair loss shampoo is among the means that you could utilize to effectively face the head of hair loss struggle but then you should also make certain you do your share by eating a healthy diet, ingesting enough nutrients and keeping from thinking an excessive amount of.

#dht #dht testoterone

[evelyntransitions-blog]

Day 27 I guess

         Jesus Christ almighty, I have been absent from this for quite some time. So big change. I moved into an apartment. My parents started acting a lot nicer than before I blew a bunch of money trying to help get me on my feet. I really appreciate them. I still can’t forgive my Dad for everything he did nor can I fully forgive my mom at this time, but i’m more confident that some day in the future we’ll be able to mend our relationship/they’ll apologize for everything they did wrong. It’s hard to be totally mad at people when they have the ability to drop you out of their life but they still want you around. Though keeping people around doesn’t necessarily mean someone loves you in every case. Sometimes people keep others around for comfort, or to feel more powerful than the company they keep. Keeping people around can be self centered or even abusive depending on how some individuals treat people when they keep them around and how much they push to keep them. In the case of me and my parents I think they’re genuinely having a hard time letting me go but also recognize we all need space. It’s sort of a mature “ending” to all the crazy, it was what I was hoping for. Even though they can’t see this, Thank you guys for helping me out when you didn’t have to, it means a lot.                So me and my Dad went to move the stuff in a little over a week ago, and let me tell you, being on testosterone blockers with nothing to replace a body’s natural testosterone eventually can lead to severe weakness and fatiuge. Lifting a mattress pad, a mattress, dressers, a desk, two shelves and a soga with just my Dad did quite the number on my wet noodle arms. They’ve been hurting and feeling weaker every day, it’s quite exhausting. Good news is, I talk to my psychiatrist and she said after the next appointment if things seem to be going well and if the therapist is on board she’ll have me start estrogen. I basically told her I can’t knock the idea of hating and wanting to hurt my Dad, it’s just been breed into me, I have to accept it. We agreed that was okay as long as I didn’t act on it or were thinking about acting on my thoughts.                 Even if me and my Dad did make good someday, I still think those thoughts would be there to some degree just due to certain mental problems, which I won’t state here or anywhere (unless you’re a very close friend), at least not for the time being. Long story short, sometimes when a person gets hurt to the point of regressing a certain amount of pain, it comes in the form of bad day dreams, and wanting to lash out in anger at any reminder of past events or potential future confrontations. You can draw the lines on what’s going on in my head accordingly. I’m my own worst enemy, as am I my anxiety but only to keep myself safe.  But I digress.                So here’s the mostly good part. I got “my own” place, that I share with a female friend of mine who trusted me enough to move in with her. She doesn’t complain much at all, and neither do I. Were both really clean outside of our own rooms, we both help each other out, and we like the same shit. We live in a gated community outside a very bad area, but nevertheless nothing seems to go on within the gate, as said by reports of people living here that she’s friends with. This also including her best friend. The apartment itself is cozy and it’s REALLY NICE being able to sit around in panties. The only flaws with the apartment were/are the washer dryer and the internet connection. I couldn’t get the internet working for the entire time i’ve been here which means no tumblr blog. Well poop. Moving in was hard too due to the landlord having trouble with math on top of going through a bunch of 3rd parties to get shit situated but it’s working out. I’m REALLY broke due to having to fix things on my car and pay all the rent for this month (Well I paid it early but yeah).          Luckily food is relatively cheap, as are utilities (which are a flat rate except electricity). Gas is ungodly expensive due to the distance from work, but i’ll figure that out as it goes. The current game plan is take care of the rent and stuff early and worry about the little shit later. Parents wanted to get me on food stamps due to my lowish income but, I mean, hey i’ve paid for  2 1/2 weeks of groceries on like 20$ i’m pretty damn good at bargain shopping. Plus I don’t want to “take money” from other people/the government. Like not just the people earning more, but people paying taxes at a lower S.E.S. who may use food stamps themselves and have families. I don’t want to raise taxes even a little if it hurts people both rich and poor. I don’t like depending on people either though my Mom has mad that hard, after offering me a ton of small food items, and rinky’ dink’ house stuff (I swear she’s turning into a grandma).          So that’s kind of where I am now in short. I’ve been spending a ton of time cleaning stuff, working and paying bills and not having anything super fun to do. I’m getting old at the same time i’m trying to transition into a youthful maiden. Some type of poetic irony that is. Not to mention the effects of the T-blockers are getting heavier and bringing about a depression, so i’ve officially hit heavy adult feelings.