#AKA I scheduled this for the wrong day LOL
May 3, 2021: Finally Finished
It was a pretty light day. Big things happening in Belgium. Crown Princess Mary is being left off of the calendar? AND the big project is finally finished, and only a month late.
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The following is part of a post i made on DA shortly before my bday- Thought i should put it here for- my friends who arent on DA, but are on here- so.. yeah- full version of this is on my 16th birthday acknowledgement deviation post description- Along with theee rest of my life before now
TW; Im- talking about my experience of suicidal thoughts, ideation and- planning. What lead up to it, and the results. What helped me out of it, and where i am now- Im okay for the time being, i dont have any plans to kill myself anymore- soo... yeah-
This year has been better than last with events, but hasnt been mental health-wise. Life somewhat teased a repeat of my last year, many- many times- but didnt. Yet. Dear god i hope it doesnt repeat- But the fear of a repeat has left me distracted from school. The first quarter went well, but the second went to shit almost immediately. i fell behind on school...really badly. I was still doing some homework, but couldnt focus on it very long. I was going through my days without really living them; going to classes, only to not pay attention, and to watch youtube all the way until bed. Maybe i'd draw some too. When december rolled around i decided i was going to get back on track during winter break. I had about...17 overdue at the time, so this wasnt an unreasonable goal. "Im going to do a few assignments a day. I have more than a week to do this, so i'll still have plenty of free time"...and then every single one of my classes assigned essays the week before winter break. Something about me is that.. i cant focus in reading something im not 1. reading for myself and 2. have no interest in. I just cant. I have to listen to it being read, or i have to find SOMETHING to motivate me. And all of these essays had a reading passage to go with them...and i- broke... The class sessions i was supposed to be working on the essays, i was having panic attacks and breakdowns instead. On top of this, i was being hit with memories of my childhood my brain had shut away- and i was having another gender identity crisis- And eventually this...lead to the suicidal thoughts. At some point they got so loud that i couldnt focus on anything else, but the thoughts- and these thoughts persisted for days until i started- thinking of a plan... at first it was just- thinking of how i would do it- just to get the thought to quiet down a little so i could finally distract myself- but distracting only goes so far... First i was only going to live out until christmas, but then i thought it'd be a waste to not live out christmas break- and i hadnt written anything to say goodbye, so i pushed the date until January 4th, so i could live the last week of my life in peace, and then die. For once in my life my procrastination actually benefited me, because when that date came, i realized i hadnt remembered to think of how to do the act, and also hadnt written anything. So... i pushed the date to the end of the semester...January 25th. I started writing to all my friends, because i couldnt think of just one letter for all of them.. i had something different to say to everyone- Then i lost the energy to write, and planned on recording an audio clip for each person, which would also save them the effort of reading- I has also written out an apology to my friend's parents, covering all my bases, and planned on recording audio for that too, so my tone couldn't be misinterpreted... It was around this point that i joined a few discord servers to help keep myself occupied, while completely neglecting my homework, and- this becomes important in a sec... The last step of planning for me was to figure out the best way to...die- I decided that- slitting my wrist- would be easiest, and would allow greater chance at survival if i changed my mind last minute, than the other options i was considering... One night, i couldnt sleep so i figured it wouldnt hurt to figure out how much pressure i'd need to apply to- do what's needed- but i didnt get very far and realized that this method wouldnt work and had to rework my plan.
This was just a few nights before i met my new friends in one of the discord servers- When talking to these people, i was able to relax and- be at peace for once. And i started to feel my need to die...fading- it was still there, because i was scared of the consequences of not doing my schoolwork for so long- One of these nights, i ended up slipping off a clue to one of them that something is wrong when we were the only ones on vc- which worried him- and i cracked, and told him what's going on, lying a bit so he wouldnt worry. A few days later, my mom found out about my 27+ overdue assignments, and her reaction was WAAYYYYY more mild than i thought it'd be- which- gave me no more reason to die so the plans went to the dumpster, less than a week before they were to be carried out- She didnt make me do the assignments, she just told me to do better this semester. As soon as January 25th came, relief swept over me and for the first time in an entire month, i could fully relax... i wanted to cry from how much relief i was feeling lol the following week, i took to just take it easy, tho a lot of my teachers were starting to talk goals for this semester which- overwhelmed me a lot, because i was only just starting to think about what i wanted to do the next day- the week had a light homework schedule, so i didnt fall behind either, which is good! The week after that, aka last week, i was starting to build myself back up. Still wasnt attending all my classes, and wasnt paying attention in them, but did most of my homework. I have a few assignments to make up already, but thats okay, because im still trying to put myself back together, and i know i need to take it slow- This week, im still trying to get back on my feet but im starting to create goals now, and taking baby steps. Not thinking about goals for graduating yet, just about this quarter. This month even lol Im not going to worry about the assignments im missing just yet, but my goal is to make sure i get all my work in this quarter, even if its unfinished, or really really late. "Submitting something and getting points knocked is better than submitting nothing and getting a 0" is something my mom told me... and i want to make that my motto for this semester. Start everything, and submit everything, even if it isnt finished.
Now, i still plan on apologizing to my friend's parents, but i need to fully move on from what happened in january first. I'll need to rewrite the script first too, because looking at it causes a feeling of dread and- upsetness?
Five Favorites (Writing Edition)
Got tagged by @crackinglamb to post five favorite pieces of writing. :) Thanks, Lamb! New here so I got no one to tag. Ran into a weird problem where it wouldn't let me copy/paste into this post, so... We're sticking with just commentary about certain chapters of my DA fic. :)
(DAI) Dead Pasts, Dread Futures (Ch 49)
All of this chapter. Up to this point, Ixchel has been fixated on this idea that she can think she knows Solas all she likes, but she will never be sure. This is maybe the first time where she TRULY is given a reason to draw up short and doubt that she understands what he even IS at all.
And yet, he names her the Champion of his People.
I love dangerous Eldritch beings who masquerade as one of us, who deign to love us despite being so unknowably Other. And that's what Solas and the Ancient Elvhen are to me. If the Evanuris and the Old Gods are the same, and Falon'Din is an insane tentacle monster and Ghilan'nain is a tentacly-beetle giant...
(DAI) Dead Pasts, Dread Futures (Ch 57)(NSFW)
AKA Ixchel finally gets laid by an elf. Just, the wrong elf.
One thing that Literature (and fanfics) never prepared me for was just how tender and sweet and fun and humorous casual hook ups can be, especially with the right people. Ixchel desperately needed some of that: to be vulnerable, to be desired, to let loose, to have an outlet where she could finally unleash the admiration and generosity she has in her...
And one of my favorite lines I've ever written:
She lay spread beneath him as he shrugged out of his undone shirt and began unlacing his breeches.
“You’re a beautiful woman,” he said earnestly, “with a beautiful name. It’s shaped like something familiar.”
(DAI) Dead Pasts, Dread Futures (Ch 65)
This chapter has three parts that I really, really enjoyed:
Ixchel confronting Celene... Celene tries to give pretty answers rather than admit that she expunged the alienage, and Ixchel holds fast until she gets a stone-cold admission from the Empress. This is why I can't watch the news. That's all I want anchors and interviewers to do: "What did you do? No. Don't tell me about x. Just answer the question."
That exchange with Vivienne...one most surprising things about this fic was how Vivienne and Ixchel have developed.
And then...Ixchel is so tired already, and so nervous about the tight schedule she feels she must keep, and she has no ROOM in her brain to be anxious about Solas and yet she's anxious that he's jealous or upset at her for fucking Fenris and she just comes out and ASKS: Are you mad at me?
And Ixchel is free to give herself over to duty at last.
(DAI) Dead Pasts, Dread Futures (Ch 72)
The truth at last.
I had written "Solas tells Ixchel he's Fen'Harel" and "Solas finds out Ixchel already knows he's Fen'Harel" scenes about four other times, but this one just felt ad still feels so, so much more powerful than anything else I'd come up with yet. And best of all, it still tugs my heart and feels so fulfilling and they're not even lovers yet. That's miles away still. He's just her friend, and she's the Champion he wished he was, the Champion he wishes for his People, and for so long he's thought she's too good to be true and yet...here...he lays down a piece of him for her...and believes.
(DAI) Dead Pasts, Dread Futures (Ch 45/46)
I've said how cathartic writing this fic has been, and that's the truth. But the Emprise arc was a point where something really clicked with me. In my depressive states, I get really down about how I think my life will go in the future. My loved ones will say, "Do you have NO HOPE that you will (for example) have close friends after people start to get married? Not EVERYONE loses touch--" and I say, "Of course, I HOPE that's not the case. Of course I will do my utmost to make sure I stay in touch and cultivate my friendships. I HOPE."
And yet, they all seem hurt and puzzled. "You don't sound like you hope?"
But I hope. I hope so desperately. But Hope is a choice, and belief is a state of being.
When I'm out of those episodes, I look back on those moments and say, "Really?" lol
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Fearless......by Louis tomilson
OKAY I KNOW! This isn't the Fearless you wanted!!!! BUT. I saw that Louis had a song out called “Fearless” (I know im late but I don’t really keep up with Louis) and was like lol maybe its a Taylor diss track. I’ve been following some old Larry blogs and there are a lot of gifs of Louis low-key shading Taylor or just generally being really uncomfortable when her name comes up, so it was on my mind.
I started listening to it and literally 19 seconds in I had to pause it because it was just TOO OBVIOUS. Like - I am DYING. Already we have...
1 - the same title as tay’s first really big album
2 - the noise of a cheering paparazzi crowd, evoking images of the pap shots, the fame, the DRAMA
3 - “Cash in your weekend treasures for a suit and tie” - similar to Taylor’s technique in Style here gender normative clothing is being used as a symbol of bearding. In this case it seems that Louis is referring to himself as the weekend treasure.
Also interesting parallel between “giving you my weekends” - do we always get pap shots on weekdays?? seems like that’s when everyone is never not working and maybe they live their real life on the weekends idk
4 - “and a second wife” - ummmmm HELLO. Louis is the first wife. Beard aka tay is the second wife. Duh.
That’s where I paused it to type this post, but now listening to the rest of the song!
Now, I'm not saying that you could have done better
Just remember that I, I've seen that fire alight
Clearly Louis is pissed and is reminding harry that they had something real and special. He’s saying he’s not necessarily mad at who Harry is with, but he mostly that he knows what Larry had was important.
Tell me, do you
Tell me do you still remember feeling young?
this is also reminding harry of the glory days
Tell me the truth
Tell me do you still remember feeling young
Strong enough to get it wrong
In front of all these people?
Just for tonight, look inside
And spark that memory of you
Strong enough to get it wrong
In front of all these people
There were approximately two million gifs to choose for this and they are all so cute? and sweet? and pure???? BUT the reason that there were so many gifs to chose was that Larry was super obvious and didn’t really seem to care who noticed. They were “strong enough to get it wrong [wrong according to heteronormativity *rolls eyes*] in front of all these people”. The people here are the fans, the media, the paparazzi, etc. Here Louis is asking Harry to remember all the good times, and that the drama or push back they would get from the was worth it because they were happy.
ok so obvi it’s a tay reference - but back to the idea of it being a diss track, I think that there is also a bit of cheek here. Taylor made her name on “Fearless”, but still lives in the closet - something that seems fearful. I think Louis wants to highlight that contrast here.
Now, if happiness is always measured
By the life you design
That car in the drive
Then you should feel better than ever
But you know as well as I
It's all lies
Here Louis is calling out Tay on micromanaging her life and thinking her extreme planning will make her happy, but that it doesn’t because she is living a double-life, one for the GP and her real life, so she is still unhappy .
Tay also sings about cars....a lot - getaway car, “driving shotgun”, “new Maserati”, “mud on your truck tires”, etc. etc.
Chorus, chorus, etc,
Like I said I know I’m late on this and I’m sure someone else has already covered it!!!!! but I was fascinated and like - it’s just SO obvious. Wow. Anyway, thanks for your time. Not a Larry blog now, just went down a rabbithole. Back to our regularly scheduled programming.
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Hwang Hyunjin Fic Recs
**bold = personal favourites, MUST READ
All credits to the original writers! I just want to share and recommend some of the texts that I really loved reading. All the information about each text is taken directly from the post, written by the original author.
Last updated: 2021/02/21
(please let me know if the links don’t work <3)
Never Take Your Eyes Off The Target by @narika-a
Mafia!AU, Angst, One-shot (3K+)
Summary: He was here to do to his job, not question what and
why. It was all supposed to end tonight but not with the target
like you. aka assassination attempt gone wrong 😂
Warnings: Mentions of suicide and death, violence, strong
Downpour by @honeybammie
Angst, 2/2 parts (Word Count Unknown)
Summary: in which your timing with hyunjin is never quite right
Erubescent by @cle1024
Angst, Fluff, Bad Boy!AU, Florist!AU, High School!AU, Enemies
Summary: why are my cheeks erubescent? i shouldn’t be feeling
this way about you; i’m not supposed to trust you.
Warnings: swearing, underage drinking, cigarettes
**Normal by @skzsauce01
Hyunjin Dragon!AU, 5/5 parts
Summary: For more skilled maneuvers, dragon shifters need a
rider to help them out. After rejecting multiple riders, Hyunjin, a
traumatized and handicapped shifter, is assigned to you. To add
a cherry on top, you’re deaf, so how are you supposed cast
spells to free him from his limitation, let alone the anger in his
heart? Some HTTYD influence.
I literally LOVE this one SO MUCHFkjhdjfhjdsfnjdsnfkj
**The Study of Relationships by @hanflix
Fluff, Angst, Volleyball!AU, Freinds to Lovers!AU,
Roommates!AU, One-shot (15k+)
Summary: college team’s volleyball captain and your
roommate-cum-best friend, hwang hyunjin argues with you
over guys being better than girls in relationships to help you out
of one. or in which hyunjin is in love with you for years now and
he finally decides that maybe he doesn’t want that best friend
[8.45] by @lettersfromaphrodite
Angst, Fluff, Royal!AU, Idiots to Lovers!AU, One-shot (5.4k+)
Everyday Job AU by @moonblssm
Fluff, Delivery Boy!Hyunjin, Bullet imagine
THIS WHOLE CONCEPTFNDKLFKD I LOVE IT SO MUCH
To Protect Our District by @feel199x
CEO!Hwang hyunjin, Mafia!AU, Series (Unfinished)
Warnings: angst, alluding to death and assassination, branding
This is one is kinda really intense??? It makes me feel so many emotions at the same time. I was such a mess after reading this.
**Two Types of Fireworks by @chanluster
Fluff, companions to lovers!AU, Long Haired Flynn Rider!Hyunjin, Tangled!AU, One-shot (21k+)
Summary: when you find a notorious thief wounded within the woods you wondered, you heal him, not realising that the same man will lead you to your destination, and the few feelings you’ll develop along the way.
PIck-up Lines by @blueprint-han
fluff, drabble (1.9 K)
warnings: none except one (1) teeny tiny kiss (just a peck nothing too suggestive), lot’s of fluff and pickup lines and that’s a warning.
**The Strange Man on Monterrey Manor by @quirkjeno
mystery, suspense, horror, angst, smut, historical drama, strangers/enemies to lovers!AU, slow burn, arranged marriage!AU, regency!AU, series (3/3)
synopsis: Willoughby, 1799 - Life as a heiress of a disgraced house has not been kind to you. You’re neglected, unwanted, and used as a bargaining chip for your father to weasel his way out of the debt he owes the moment you come of age. It takes a turn for the stranger when you’re chosen to wed the owner of the manor atop the mountain - a mysterious, eccentric, cruel lorn no one has ever seen. Whisked away to the dark and cold house and wed to a stranger, your questions become more and more. Why is Hyunjin the way that he is? What are the stange noises that echo through the house late at night? And why does your heart begin to beat faster whenever he’s nearby?
warnings are posted individually for each chapter
Backseat Driving by @vernosaur
street racer!hyunjin, racer au, flangst (fluff & angst), one-shot (10k)
summary: When your excitable friend introduces you to a street racer to help you get your driver’s license, you have your doubts. But Hwang Hyunjin is nothing close to dangerous. Oh, no. He insists on teaching you how to drive in a mom van.
warnings: profanity, suggestive themes, substance abuse (alcohol), make-outage.
01:06 by @wooluvv
this truly got my gears turning i wish it was longer I feel like this would be such an interesting plot to work off of
**crush culture by @nakyngs
fluff, angst, comedy, series (44/44 parts completed)
summary: there are a few rules to follow when you’re drunk, sleep deficit, or dangerously bored: never create fake social media accounts, never use those accounts to incite general chaos and mischief, and never ever lie about your identity, especially if it’s to the prettiest girl you’ve ever seen. unfortunately for him, hyunjin’s broken all three.
this one is so filled with uwuws i love it
Back in time by @changbeanie
fluff, angst, time travel au, one-shot (5.2k)
summary: You fall in love with the most unexpected person at the most unexpected time.
lots of scarlet heart energy and I'm living for it
*****worn out jackets by @scxrlettwxtches
badboy!hyunjin x class president!reader, fluff, angst, series (10K+)
Description: When you accidentally find yourself monitoring the detention of the school’s bad-boy prince Hwang Hyunjin, it leads to a path of personal discovery that neither of you could’ve foresaw.
here’s pt 2
NO AMOUNT OF WORDS CAN DESCRIBE MY LOVE FOR THIS ONE. it’s probably one of my favourite things that i’ve read on the entire app I love it so much!!!!!!!
**shoot your shot by @sparklingskz
fluff, basketball player! hyunjin, one shot (3.9k)
description: the evolution from being on your phone during basketball games to staring at a certain hwang hyunjin.
so cute. so fluffy.
**** the valentine trials by @jeonginks
friends to lovers au, fluff with angst, mutual pining yay, one shot (17.3k+)
description: it’s always fun to be stuck in a valentine themed check-point game with your crush, not to mention your hands are taped together the whole time.
warning: hyunjin being a high school boy and making occasional suggestive jokes.
okay so i know 17k words might be a doozy.... but i promise you it’s 10000000% worth it
forget me not. by @hhjs
angst, fluff + hanahaki au, one shot (8,8k)
summary: Hyunjin’s unsure of the tingle in his gut, why it’s happening. But he thinks, just for a second, it feels a little like hope.
wherein, putting your heart in the line for the sake of doing favours isn’t a frequent component in your schedule. But what happens when this favour is asked for by the boy you may or may not have fancied for far too long?
You accept it.
For a very embarrassing reason, really, which is — you think Hwang Hyunjin needs you.
warnings: suggestive content, vomiting, mention of blood. allusions to depression and heartbreak.
*********************bits of stardust by @jeonginks
historical au, fluff, angst, strangers to lovers, one shot (16.8k+)
Description: traveling back in time is fun, especially when hyunjin wants to know all about modern day life.
okay listen... this one is long too.... but I PROMISE YOU IT IS SO WORTH READING!! it hit’s all the right emotions and it’s probably one of my favourite piece of writing that ive ever read on this blog. I just 100000000000000000000% recommend it!!! there’s also a little part 2 somewhere on their blog it has stardust in the title in case you were wondering...
[NEW] i’ll hold your hand (don’t let me go) by @kim-seungmine
angst, slice-of-life, high school au, series (2/2 approx 18k)
synopsis: hwang hyunjin wants to fall in love. what you’re afraid of isn’t falling in love, but falling out of love.
warnings: mentions of bullying, language, beware of sudden Friends reference, in this house we support day6, this is super long :( and unbetaed
i will not lie... this was kinda a nightmare to read cause it was so long.... but i think it was very much worth it. This fic really exudes coming of age web drama but in like written form. I can 100% picture this on screen. It’s so fulfilling to read and it just gives you that inexplicable warm, fuzzy feeling in your stomach. Pt. 2 isn’t as long (only 7k) so i most definitely recommend!!!
[NEW] haven by @starrytxt
enemies to lovers, crazy rich kids, gang au (kind of?), too much angst, sometimes there’s fluff, social media!au, series (completed)
synopsis: you expected this semester at jyp academy to be like any other but when you cross paths with the resident “bad boy”, hwang hyunjin, your life gets a bit more complicated.
warnings: lots of swearing, occasional suggestive dialogue, mentions of violence, others will be mentioned in specific parts
[NEW] **Enemies-to-lovers!(demigod) by @taelme
enemies-to-lovers!au (kind of, i feel like it wasnt that extreme but more of a dislike-to-lovers lol), demigod!au (fluff, slight angst? its rly not much, a lot of confusion on reader’s part), one shot (18k)
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Lucifer post-ep ramble 5x01
Hi there, long time fangirl, first time Lucifan. After devouring all 4.5 seasons of this magnificent show in an impressive/alarming (all a matter of perspective) amount of time, I have very quickly found myself well and truly obsessed dedicated to all things Lucifer. And when a show grabs me like this one has, I tend to have a lot of thoughts and feelings that I can’t help but share, and so the post-ep ramble was born. It will probably contain many words, it may or may not be particularly coherent, there will definitely be over-analysing, but I thought I might indulge in re-capping the season 5 eps as I re-watch, so this is the first ramble off the rank.
‘Really Sad Devil Guy’ (A+ ep name btw) kicks off as we’re still scrambling to pick up all our heart pieces after the season 4 finale, which is why Mr. Said Out Bitch (aka Lee Garner) being in Hell is such a cracker of an opening. Lucifer just waiting below deck on Fishizzle II (wth happened to Fishizzle I??) to greet him with his trademark ‘hello’ made me disproportionately happy, mostly because he was on my screen but also because his encounters with Mr. SOB are always great and this was no exception. Getting an insight into ‘life in Hell’, the way the characters in the Hell loops are played by Demons and Lucifer in action as the King was fab at this point in the series. And does anyone else have a visceral reaction to Lucifer stopping that bullet? I know it’s brief, I cannot explain it, it might be the command he has, the fact it’s awesome, but it makes me FEEL things. Just me? Cool.
I think what really strikes me in the way Lucifer just has to pop in on Mr. SOB upon hearing of his arrival, is the fact that he is a link to Lucifer’s life on Earth. They’ve existed in the same places there, breathed the same air, it’s a way for Lucifer to make that connection to his home more tangible. And when he realises where Mr. SOB’s hell loop has them moored, at Marina Del Ray, the way Lucifer says 'Los Angeles' with such yearning makes those heart pieces I had started cobbling back together really begin to ache. What this episode pulls off so brilliantly is the way Chloe and Lucifer remain connected despite being apart, and it’s all set up when Lucifer tells Mr. SOB, ‘You know, there's a good chance I know who's on your case. To them it's only been a few months, a blink of an eye, but here it's been much much longer’.
What’s happening ‘below deck’ in Hell (sorry...or am I?) is of course mirrored at the crime scene, where Maze is still calling Ella Ellen (never change Maze ILY) and Ella is banging on about Lucifer not responding to her DM’s and texts and it’s all so on brand and the thought of her sending Lucifer a clip of a parrot dancing to techno and him finding it funny is just too perf. Maze having Chloe’s back from the get-go and telling Ella to ‘read the room’ just shows how far this Demon has come. And of course Chloe saying that she hasn’t even really thought about Lucifer since he left...(spoiler alert: she has).
Seeing Maze and Chloe out drinking and dancing, somehow they're kinda dorky together and I love it, but it’s also really clear that they’re both leaning on each other pretty heavily and being there for one another and honestly, I love literally every combination of characters on Lucifer, you put any two together and the dynamic is 100% their own and these two are up there. It’s so weird seeing Amandiel running Lux, I big L LOVE Amenadiel but it’s just...wrong. Plus hats off to D.B. because his delivery of ‘No one sells drugs in my place...without me getting a piece of the action’, not gonna lie, I was THROWN.
So are we assuming that the number of months Lucifer has been gone = the number of times Chloe has rocked up to work with a hangover? Lol at the sunglasses but also, you do you Chloe, whatever you gotta do babe. Just like Amenadiel running Lux is like watching a slightly off AU version of the show, so is seeing Maze and Chloe as partners at work. Don’t get me wrong, Maze clearly supporting her and when they’re interrogating a lead, seeing Chloe and Maze have such a groove that they’re finishing each other's sentences and communicating without talking, I dig it. But I love that while it’s great, it still doesn’t feel right. Because that there is why this show is so clever, as an audience we crave the return to the way things were just as the characters we are watching do.
Linda being a completely OTT mum is so fab. I could write an entire essay about my Linda love. Her adamance that ‘Charlie’s special’ and Ella’s ‘every child is special in their mum’s eyes, huh?’ sums it up perfectly. Did I mention I adore Ella? I definitely get the distinct impression Ella is doing a bit of self-reflection, her comment about being drawn to the bad boys for some reason clearly foreshadowing, but also her reflecting that she deserves a good guy for once (just not this ep when there is a bad boy/potential suspect to be hooked up with). I am curious to see the ‘darkness’ Ella has alluded to in earlier seasons being explored further and feel like this is sowing the seeds and I’m also waiting for a significant Linda/Ella D&M at some point. But clearly not this point, because 'science lesson Wednesdays...I checked your schedule and that's your day off' Linda is NOT about deep and meaningfuls (or anyone who isn’t a 2 month old baby), you need to DIAL IT DOWN friend. I love that it takes Trixie pulling some funny faces and Dan offering some sage parenting advice as he returns the self-help books (love the irony there) for Linda to begin to chill a bit.
So Dan has gone all new age with his oils and self improvement and you know what? I love it. And then of course we have Amenadiel needing to help make the world a safer place, he just needs to make sure for Charlie ya know and ugh my ovaries. I must say, I was relieved to realise that the club life had not in fact corrupted the delightful warrior we all love after all - it’s all a ploy to catch a REAL BIG TIME drug dealer (nooooo I can feel the second hand embarrassment already...)! Amenadiel setting up the ‘drug bust’, telling the dealer, ‘looks like gooood drugs’, oh you dear sweet naïve Angel you. We of course discover that the bust is, well, a bust, because the ‘drug lord’ is actually a kid trying to offload his mum’s pain meds *insert facepalm emoii here*. But rather than ridicule or be angry, Dan is so understanding and supportive of Amenadiel and once again offers up advice and I really am so into this friendship on every level and the care and openness it models.
Meanwhile, the genius parallel between what is happening on Earth and in Hell really takes effect as Chloe and Maze go undercover (I mean, they are a glam couple lbh) to the poker game while Lucifer is at a game hosted by the same suspect in Mr. SOB’s ‘exquisite’ Hell loop. His exclamation that it’s exquisite reflects that Lucifer and Mr. SOB are not that different, that it’s the kind of place Lucifer might manifest as well, but I also feel that Lucifer could be admiring his own Kingdom’s handiwork at creating LA with such accuracy from someone’s subconscious. He allows himself to be absorbed in it, ‘City of Angels, I’ve missed you’, and I can’t help but get the impression that hearing Lucifer call LA this for the first time is confirmation that his Heaven, or place of Angels, is in fact there with Chloe.
Chloe remains firmly in the forefront of Lucifer’s mind this entire episode, with him asking ‘what would she do?’ and wanting to replicate the life he had with her at the precinct. But of course he is soon reminded of his reality, as he tries to get more information from Mr. SOB who is being useless. Lucifer incorrectly calling him ’Detective’ shatters the illusion that he is any closer to Chloe, and this is impressively emphasised as he erases the LA cityscape to reveal the Hellscape. For a moment he’d let himself believe he was back there. Back home. His, ‘you’re not her’ making some of my heart pieces fall out once again.
But then the messenger arrives, ‘Lord Morningstar, there’s someone you should meet’ and lo and behold it’s guy who just got hit by car up on the Earth-side of this investigation and I.am. loving. it. Also, did Lucifer put out a Hell-wide memo that if ANYONE arrives from LA they are to be bought to him so he can send messages to Chloe through their bodies??? NO REALLY I'M FINE. Having a Demon possess the dead dude’s body to pass on the tip from Lucifer was just TOO MUCH. His, ‘hey is that Mazikeen?’ made me actually lol but also, look how far we’ve come! Chloe doesn’t even flinch when the dead guy wakes up possessed to pass on Lucifer’s message. I’m so proud.
'It's safe where you stored it' caused me way more amusement than was perhaps intended, but Ella, Maze and Chloe together, trying to figure out what it meant, it's such a great moment and the comedic timing is gold. Also, the fact it actually helps the case, ugh, Chloe and Lucifer are still connected and working together even though they are not on the same plane of existence and I’m just going to need to curl up for a minute because feelings.
You know who else is having a lot of feelings in this ep? The Devil himself. After he is satisfied he has passed on the message, he’s done with Mr. SOB, sending him, ‘back to your torture. And me to mine’. Any remnants of my heart are now once again shattered all over the floor in case you’re wondering. Lucifer doesn’t even try to hide the fact that being away from Chloe is so painful, almost revealing more than he ever usually would when Mr. SOB asks if she’s ‘somebody important?' to which he replies, 'more than you could ever know'.
He only just stops himself before telling Mr. SOB her name, when he realises he's trying to manipulate him. And I'm so glad, Lucifer so sparingly uses Chloe’s name, it's always significant when he does and I feel like he reserves those moments for only between them. But Mr. SOB really does sum it up when he observes, ‘you just seem like a really sad Devil guy’, BECAUSE HE IS A REALLY SAD DEVIL GUY (can we just take a moment to appreciate how not at all scared of Lucifer Mr. SOB is, he doesn’t even refer to him as THE Devil, just ‘Devil guy’. It’s kind of nice that he sees and accepts him as both Devil and human without really questioning it).
The parallel continues as Chloe and Lucifer are talking to a sister and brother and the way this highlights the place they're both in. It's just brilliant writing and execution. Chloe is talking to Meg about her brother’s death and both her and Lucifer's yearning for one another is palpable. At the same time, Maze telling Chloe that they don’t need Lucifer and kissing Chloe highlights Maze’s desire for connection and love. She wants it so badly and the way she shuts down when Chloe suggests they stop working together breaks my heart.
When Lucifer takes Mr. SOB to the root of his Hell loop, yes, it’s about Lucifer projecting his own guilt and lack of self worth onto him, but his assertion that, 'it is inevitable sooner or later you're going to disappoint them all over again. So you'd rather stay away for all eternity’, really feels as though it carries multiple meanings. As a self-referential comment, is Lucifer talking about Heaven or Earth? Is it his fear of disappointing and letting down Chloe and the other humans or is it his belief that he disappointed his family? And if Angels self-actualise does that mean he was never 'stuck' in Hell at all and could have returned to Heaven? I certainly feel there is some sort of realisation occurring here. Or could be completely over-analysing it. Why not have both 🤷♀️
You know the line that just up and got me though? ‘Whose hell is this anyway? Are you sure this is my hell? You just here torturing yourself’- Mr. SOB calling Lucifer out is A MOMENT. And I can’t help but wonder if a part of it is Lucifer wanting Mr. SOB to come to terms with his own guilt, wanting to help him because he knows he’s not evil and he is trying to reconcile his own guilt too. If he can help Mr. SOB face and let go of the guilt then he has a chance of it too. And that’s when Mr. SOB challenges Lucifer, pointing out that he missed his chance, ‘but what about you?’ 'The self-centred simplicity of you humans never ceases to amaze me...I am here out of responsibility, I had to protect humanity, I had to protect HER', the delivery of this line, the frustration of being misunderstood, of ppl thinking that he acts for himself when his very reason for being back in Hell is for others, I can feel it through the screen.
The dead guy we saw get shot in the kitchen appearing at that moment with news about ‘the Detective’ and then cutting straight back to the shoot up in the house, file under: how to brilliantly edit. “Lucifer” appearing; the whistle, the casually strolling in, the ‘hello bad guys’ = I was FOOLED. I mean you have to admit, the ‘thought I'd give you a hand' pun was well played, classic Lucifer, very convincing. My shipper heart was SO FULL for the split second Lucifer and the Detective kissed, until Chloe realised that something was off and her open eyes told us something was up. The cut back to Hell and seeing Lucifer still standing there with Mr. SOB...you may have heard my ‘noooooooo’ from wherever you are. ‘She’ll be just fine without me’...said every Devil who has a dick twin brother who’s going to try and destroy, nay STEAL, his life and love of his life ever.
Michael, you're an evil bastard but damn you nailed that villainous smirk over-the-shoulder pose in the final shot. Whatever you have in store, I will no doubt revel in your awfulness and be confused about whether or not I hate you.
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✯ pairing: usagiyama rumi x reader
✯ genre: FLUFF FLUFF FLUFF!!!
✯ summary: everything changed for young y/n when her favourite hero, usagiyama rumi, aka mirko gets thrown inside her shop by a villain
✯warning: no warnings, only swearing :))
✯ note: this is dedicated for lovely andrea <3 aka ms @kagsbuns !! I think I got carried away tho. this was only supposed to be 10k max, but at 9k I still didn’t get to the conflict so here we are LOL. I hope u guys enjoy!! this is my first time writing something so long!
You sighed as you used you picked up the heavy basket of apples. Your day usually consisted of tending to your growing vegetables in the early morning, before picking and washing the ripened vegetables and fruit. Using some fresh peppers from your garden to spice up your usual omelette for breakfast, then getting ready for work.
You currently owned a cute little produce market in the middle of the city, which was only a twenty-minute walk from your home. Your small shop was mostly frequented by old folks and young moms buying fruits and veggies for their children.
You loved your work and your life, tending to vegetables and fruits and selling them. Your work helped you produce a schedule, a schedule that kept you sane.
You smiled as Ms. Takeshi walked in, smiling at you before browsing through her favourite strawberries that you had just picked and washed this morning. “Good morning lovely! Your fruits and vegetables look wonderful today! Did you also make some of my favourite banana bread?” She queried as she made her way to the display case where you kept your freshly made pastries.
“Of course Ms. Takeshi! I already wrapped it up for you!” you handed the bag over to her. “You’re going to be a great wife one day lovely” She smiles as she leaves the door, leaving you with a sour taste in your mouth. Your smile dropped as you activated your quirk. You had a plant quirk, pretty convenient for your work. You were able to manipulate plants and grow them to your will.
Large vines soon began to rise from your potted plants as you started to organize some of your products, not liking how they looked. You rolled your eyes as you recalled what Ms. Takeshi had said to you. Every morning was the same thing with her. Some days she would even try to set you up with her grandson. Yes, you were only 19, turning 20, but you already had everything you wanted. Plus, you didn’t play for the other team.
You were more of a “We fell in love in October” kinda gal.
Your thoughts were swiftly interrupted at the sound of a body getting thrown inside your shop, soon landing right in front of you. It took you two seconds to register that a body just flew into your shop and ruined your blueberries, and another two seconds to figure out that this body belonged to the Rabbit Hero: Mirko herself. You gasped softly as you pried her body out of the rubble with your vines.
You propped her up onto your counter before wrapping your vines around her once more, with the purpose to heal her bruised body. You concentrated your power as you continued to heal her, your vines sprouting flowers and glowing with a light yellow hue.
You had to restrain yourself from cooing when you saw her nose twitch. It wasn’t known that you were fond of heroes. Everyone had assumed that you had no interest in it, when in fact, you’ve been a huge fan of Mirko’s for some time. You did have other heroes you liked, but Mirko had your attention and heart.
You struggled to breathe as you felt your energy being sapped out of your body. You didn’t know how much longer you would be able to take, especially when you had only used your quirk for meagre housework, up until now that is. You suddenly jolted in surprise when Mirko’s arm shot up and grabbed you by the collar of your shirt, bringing your face barely ten centimetres away from hers.
As her mouth opened to speak, another crash occurred nearby, making both of your heads snap up in the direction of the noise. You gaped as you saw the wrongdoer slowly walk towards your shop. “Mirko-san, please get up” you shakily whispered to her.
She laughed at your cute shivering figure before jumping up on top of the counter. “Come at me bitch!” she provoked before they hastily jumped her. You quickly threw yourself out of the way and hid behind your apples. “Hey! Baby carrot!” she hollered as she pinned down the villain. “Get out of here!” Rumi growled. You immediately shook your head, small tears sliding doing your cheeks.
“I-I can’t! I’m not gonna let either of you mess up my shop!” you weakly yelled as you somehow mustered up enough strength to summon your largest vines, speedily sending them towards the villain and entrapping them, leaving Mirko to gape at your work. She whistled as she observed the vines twining around the body of the unfortunate villain. ‘T-That’s kinda hot, not gonna lie’ she thought in her head before successfully knocking the villain out with one kick.
“Hey, you okay there?” she questioned as she looked at your trembling figure. You felt unable to respond to her query, your throat suddenly closed up. You let out a squeak in response before feeling your knees buckle, your body quickly tumbling to the ground. Before you could even graze the wooden floor, Miruko already had her arms wrapped around you, carrying your unconscious body princess style, your face nuzzled onto the top of her breast.
“My poor bunny” she cooed before wiping the sweat off your brow, taking you to the closest ambulance to get the both of you checked out.
You groaned as the exhaustion started to seep into your body. Your head was killing you. You peeled your eyes open, expecting to see your room, only to see a blindingly white hospital room. A few machines monitoring your blood pressure and heart rate had been situated by your side, along with your IV drip which was currently connected to your left arm.
“I see you’re up” voice booms, making their presence known.
You turned to see Mirko, sitting on the couch, clad in civilian clothing. You blushed as her outfit consisted of a black leather jacket, accompanied by tight black jeans, a white v-neck shirt, and chunky leather shoes. To sum it all up, she looked delectable. You felt your cheeks warm at the sight of your hero crush. What was she doing here in the first place? Wasn't she supposed to be on patrol or something? What was she doing, wasting her time on a girl like yourself?
You cleared your throat before piping up. “W-why’re you here?” you questioned before quickly averting your gaze.
“You saved my life, my little carrot” She started, standing up and making her way towards your bed. You felt yourself slightly flinch back, intimidated by both her figure and her aura. Mirko had an intense vibe that made you want to crawl into a hole and die. The way she carried herself was both overwhelming and admirable. She was just so captivating, it was like-
“Hey. Hey!” she snapped her fingers in your face. “What’s wrong carrot? Are you nervous? Last time I saw you, you were brimming with complete and utter confidence. Well, kinda, but you were still badass. Are you a badass or was that just a facade to impress lil ol’ me? Hm?” she teases, her face nearing yours.
“I-I no! I mean y-yes! Um!” you felt yourself about to tear up from embarrassment. You were humiliating yourself in front of your favourite hero. You sputtered once more before deciding to just shut your mouth, staring at your lap where your hands were neatly folded.
“What’s wrong carrot? Do I make you nervous?” she taunted.
God, now you wanted to cry.
You felt your tears starting to arise, your throat closing up. Your lips were quivering. You tense your jaw to prevent any whimpers from slipping out, you didn’t want to embarrass yourself any further. Mirko's eyes almost bulged out of their sockets. She made her poor carrot cry!
She immediately took your hands off of your lap, bringing one of your hands to rest against her soft cheek. She then gave your palm a soft kiss. “Don’t cry! I didn’t mean to tease ya that much!”. You just nodded as you felt yourself become light-headed at her actions. The Pro-Hero Mirko just kissed your palm. She just kissed your palm. You didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.
You were unaware of how to act in front of her as you didn’t want to make a fool of yourself any further than today. You would always remember the time you embarrassed yourself in front of your hero crush.
“What happened by the way? Why am I here?” you piped up, taking the time to admire her bright and shining face.
“Well, I accidentally got thrown into your shop and got knocked out. You used your little vines to help me out! I passed out a little, but the villain came, and I tried to fight him, but before I could do some real damage, you stepped in and told us that you weren’t about to let us ruin your shop and apprehended the villain by yourself! I didn’t know you had it in ya! I was so surprised but I managed to knock out the fella! You also ended up passing out dear! I had to catch ya and carry you to the ambulance myself!” She grinned, playing with your fingertips.
“I’m so sorry“ you cried, gripping tightly onto her fingers. “I didn’t mean to make your job harder for you! I‘m only nineteen and I don’t have enough money to repair any of the damages! Are there even damages? For sure there are!” you were about to cry again. Everything was just so overwhelming that your first reaction was to cry.
You’ve only met Mirko and you’ve managed to embarrass yourself three times.
“Don’t worry about it, carrot. I already took care of the damages, because I was the one who got thrown into your shop. Don’t worry about being a crybaby either. It’s cute” she gave you her signature toothy grin.
“I-Thank you! Thank you so much Mirko-san!” You cried, bowing as low as you could in your state.
“Don’t worry about it” she brushed off.
“Please! I have to repay you somehow! I can give you a free produce? I can make your bread? I can't offer much” your brows furrowing. You wanted to repay her.
“Yeah? I’ll think of something, cutie. Anyways, I gotta run, I’ll see you around yeah?” She quipped before making her way out of her room, giving you one last smile before exiting.
You had it bad for her. For sure.
It’s been a week since you were discharged from the hospital, you didn’t have any fatal wounds but was only admitted for overusing your quirk, you didn’t use your quirk for anything as exhausting as apprehending a criminal.
You sighed as you continued to tend to your vegetables, already missing a certain someone’s presence. Meeting with her, even for such a short time was an experience.
You clicked your tongue as you checked the time, you only had half an hour to make your way to work and set up your produce.
You wondered if you would be able to see her again.
You continued to bustle around, seeing Ms. Takeshi rushing inside. “Oh my goodness! Are you all right lovely? I heard about the attack! Thank goodness you’re okay!” she continued to check your body for any bruises or wounds, sighing in relief when she found none.
“I’m fine Ms. Takeshi! I wasn’t attacked, a Pro got thrown into my shop.. and she saved me” your mind drifted to the memory of Mirko lunging at the criminal, putting her body in front of yours to shield you from any attacks.
“She saved me” quipped up a voice.
Both you and Ms. Takeshi had whipped your head around, seeing Mirko, clad in her hero costume with her hand on her hip. She smirked at your bewildered reaction before moving further into the store.
“M-Mirko-san! What’re you doing here?”
“I don’t know, to be honest, I was in the area and I just missed your face” she walked around, admiring the large carrots you had grown in your garden.
“Y-you missed me? I-I missed you too, M-Mirko-san..” you blushed, averting her piercing gaze. “You’re such a precious carrot, call me Rumi” she offered, stretching her hand out to yours in a handshake, you hesitantly took it, noting how her hand dwarfs yours.
“I couldn’t possibly!” releasing her hand. “Why not? We’re friends aren't we?” your eyes widened at her implication that you two had something more than just a fan and idol relationship.
“I-I YES! Of course, we are!” you rushed, not wanting to upset her. If she was willing to call you her friend then who were you to disagree? Not everyone has the chance to be friends with their favourite idol.
Ms. Takeshi smirked as she watched the exchange between the two, noting how each of them had quite a fond look in their eyes. She shook her head as she signalled you that she was about to leave, you gave her a hasty goodbye before going back to Mirko-- or Rumi, as she preferred.
‘Those two are getting together’ Ms. Takeshi absently thought, smiling at the thought of you finally having the companion you deserved.
“This is a cute place ya got here, it's almost as cute as you” she flirted, smirking at your abashed expression. Normally you would have cringed at such a cheesy line, but to be honest, it hit a little different when it was Rumi who was saying it. “I’m not cute!” you huffed. You were a strong independent woman! You were not cute.
As you continued to stew in your thoughts, Rumi proceeded with exploring your cute little shop, sampling some fruits as she passed by. “D’ya have any family here?” she queried, popping a plump, red strawberry in her mouth, almost gasping at the sweetness and freshness of the berry. “I don’t actually! I moved here just a year ago to start the shop I've been dreaming about ever since I was a kid!” you smiled, recalling the obstacles you had gone through to reach your goal.
“That's good! It’s good to have goals you want to work towards, it keeps people motivated”
“How about you Rumi-san? Do you have any family here?” you piped up, curious of her families’ whereabouts. Did she live here alone? There was only so much information that could be disclosed to the public about heroes and their personal lives.
“They don’t live here. They’re back in my hometown. It’s nice living out here, I get to do what I want, save all the people I can, and kick as much as... Though, there are times where I miss my family... They’re a rambunctious and chaotic bunch I tell ya!” she chortled.
You felt yourself melt at the very thought of Rumi with her family, playing and spending time with her small cousins/siblings. If someone were to describe the look on your face, they would have immediately said that you looked either lovesick or had heart eyes. You blushed at the thought of spending time with Rumi and just being gay <3 with each other. You honestly needed to get a love life, it isn’t normal to fantasize about your idol, especially when they’re right in front of you.
Rumi noticed that you were mentally elsewhere, smiling at your dumbstruck expression. What were you thinking about that was more interesting than her? Was it perhaps Rumi herself? She shook her head, trying to disperse her somewhat indecent thoughts. It wasn’t proper to ogle or fantasize about your friend.
“Hey, can I get your number?” she piped up, causing you to snap out of the internal conflict you were previously having about yourself. “W-what?” you stuttered, unbelieving of the fact that she, Usagiyama Rumi, had just asked for your number. Plain, old, little you! This was an absolute dream.
You quickly nodded, having no words as you haven’t fully processed her question or the meaning of it. You struggled to extract your phone from the pocket of your overalls. Curse women's clothing and their tiny pockets! Rumi laughed at your struggles, loving at how you scrunch your cute little nose when you feel feelings of frustration.
“Aha! I got it!” you cheered, fist-pumping with your phone in your hand, before sheepishly handing your phone to her. Rumi raised a brow. “Is this me as your lock screen?” she smirked.
At this point, you were begging the Gods, any God, to take your soul. You did not understand how you could have forgotten such a crucial thing! You were an idiot! A dumbass!
“And, did you edit yourself in the picture so it looked like we took a picture together?”
You felt your brain short circuit. You froze up, unblinking and unbreathing. Rumi didn’t mean to tease you so much. You were just adorable! The fact that you had been too shy to ask her for a picture and kept the edited one as your lock screen amused her to no end. She just wanted to eat you up!
As she continued to gush about your cute habits and you in general, you were tearing yourself up inside. You thought you had changed your lock screen a few days ago! It was a picture of Rumi as well, but you weren’t included. She must think you’re desperate! Or a stalker. Or worse! A desperate stalker!
“Lord, please take me” you whispered, hoping that someone would grant your wish this time. “What was that baby carrot? You want me to take you? I don’t mind, but I wanna get to know you better first”
Your jaw dropped at Rumi’s insinuation. “I’m kidding! You're adorable. C’mere” she beckoned, not wanting to keep her waiting you immediately made your way towards her side, her muscular arm scooping you up and pressing you against her warm body.
“R-Rumi-san..! What are you doing?”
“Taking a picture ya dummy! Make this your lock screen okay? I want everyone to know” she winked. She pressed her face against yours before capturing a picture. You felt as if your face was on fire. She was smashed against you! “Hey, you okay with fanservice?” she asked, you nodded your head, curious of what she had under her sleeve.
Rumi soon grabbed a hold of your chin before pressing her soft lips against the chub of your cheeks. She quickly snapped the picture, capturing your embarrassed face. She let go of you, opting to check the pictures to see if they had come outright. “You want one more baby carrot?” she mused, peering at your warmed face.
You slowly nodded your head, she threw her head back and laughed, coming over once more and wrapping you in her arms. This time, she walked, well, more like waddled, as you were in her arms, to put your phone on the counter, setting the timer for three seconds. She hugged you tightly, resting her head on top of yours.
Since she was already taking pictures, might as well request some poses right?
“Can we do peace signs? I… I like peace signs” you mumbled, twiddling with your thumbs. “Oh gosh, you're adorable!” she gushed. “Peace!” the both of you posed as the flash went off.
You ran back to your phone, eager to see how the pictures had turned out while Rumi had stayed behind, watching your excited figure. Your eyes lit up as you examined the photos you both had taken. They were adorable! “Rumi-san looks very pretty” you mumbled, unaware that she was now peering over your shoulder and heard what you had said.
“You gotta stop tempting me, baby carrot. As I said, I wanna get to know you better” she smiled. You blushed. This was the second time she had mentioned that. Does she like you as well? You felt a little bold so you decided to take your opportunity to fluster her as well.
“If you wanna get to know me better, why not go to lunch with me?” you offered, slyly smiling at how her jaw was left ajar. “Y-You cheeky little brat! If you're free right now we can go but it’ll be my treat okay?” she insisted, raising her brow as if to say ‘are you going to say no to free food’.
You nodded and agreed, who were you to say no to free food? Especially free food with your favourite hero/crush. She extended her hand towards you and you gladly took it, lacing your fingers with hers, loving how both of your hands fit perfectly within each other.
“Let’s go baby carrot. I’ll make sure to feed you lots”
“Nooo-- Rumi no more!”
“It’s okay carrot, I know you want more” she smirked
“I can’t! I-It’s too much” you moaned, rubbing your bloated stomach with both of your hands. Both of you had eaten too much chicken! Rumi decided to challenge you to an eating challenge, ordering a whole 10 piece box for each of you. That, plus the drinks and fries she had ordered on the side.
“Awh you’re so cute, for sure you’ll be sleepy” she cooed, propping her chin upon her fist. “I’m thankful for you Rumi-san, but if I eat more, I’ll surely explode” you cried, wanting to just go home and nap. You closed your eyes and leaned back. You couldn’t even breathe properly anymore! She was going to stuff you full! [;)]
“Hye, carrot. I gotta ask since I want both of us to be on the same page. Was this a date? I mean, would you consider this a date?” she sheepishly asked, bringing warmth to your cheeks. You didn't perceive this as a date, since you two never really outright stated it was a date, but it did seem date-ish.
Rumi watched as you struggled to come up with an answer. “Ah! I didn’t mean to pressure you carrot! I’m sorry! I-I just really like you, and if you didn’t consider this as a date, I would like to take you out--that's only if you agree! As I said, no pressure cutie”
What was she talking about? This was so much pressure! On the bright side, your crush likes you back. This was a miracle! She was famous on top of that1 not that you liked her for her popularity, but she could have anyone, and she chose you! You had to thank which God was looking out for you, or if it was just your luck. Either way, you’ve been manifesting this for some time. Not exactly this situation, but you had actively been looking for a partner, a female partner at that. You didn’t want anything serious, shoutout to Ms. Takeshi though, she was trying at least.
“I like you Rumi-san and I considered this as a date! And.. and I want to go on more dates with you!” you nearly yelled, causing some heads to turn. This had caused Rumi to gasp, scrambling out of her chair to sit beside you and engulf you in her arms, nuzzling her soft cheek against yours.
“You’re so cute! I swear! Let me take you home! I just wanna eat you!” she gushed, uncaring of the peering eyes in the restaurant who had been watching the whole exchange. “R-Rumi-san! How lewd!” you grimaced. sure was a handful.
“I’m sorry, cutie! I just can’t help it! You make me wanna go feral” she growled the last bit, feeling a coil in your lower tummy tighten. What was she doing to you? Did someone hit you with a quirk? This was crazy!
“Hey, don’t think too much about it. You and I are going to get to know each other better okay? Okay, carrot?” She grinned, peeking down at your flustered expression. This was going to be something else.
Lately, you and Rumi have gotten closer. You both had started to frequently text and call each other, though you have been a little timid during phone calls. They were mostly carried by Rumi and her extroverted personality. You hope she knew that you were just shy and that you weren’t losing interest in her.
Your relationship with Rumi had no label, at least for now. You both decided that it would be wise to learn about each other before making rash decisions. Especially you. You had a habit of running off in tandem and making yourself worry about scenarios that have zero percent of happening. Good thing Rumi was there to calm your nerves.
You were so immersed in your thoughts that you had failed to notice the stop sign in front of you, promptly running into it and talking on your butt. Luckily, nobody except a small child had seen you embarrass yourself. That’s what you thought at least, until—
“Baby carrot! Are you alright?! My poor little carrot didn’t see the stop sign! Are you okay? Do you need to be taken to the hospital? I can take you!” She rambled as she checked your body for any extensive injuries, sliding her hands down the curve of your ass in the process. You didn’t wanna go to the hospital as you would be an unnecessary burden to all the medical staff. It was still better to be safe than sorry.
She was a different breed.
“I can’t help it, I just.. I care about you” she murmured, facing off to the side to hide her warming cheeks from your view. She was adorable! Is this what she felt when she saw you blush? It was a nice feeling. Like eating really good food. Rumi blushing was good food.
“Well, um, if you don't wanna go to the hospital, do you just want to come over for dinner or something?” she offered. “Aren’t you patrolling right now Rumi-san? I would hate to impose and possibly get you in trouble with your work” you sheepishly looked away from her gaze, unable to compete with the intensity her eyes hold, as if she wasn't a quivering little mess two seconds ago as well.
“Nah. I can get someone to cover for me. Let me call them right now so that I can put your mind at ease yeah?” she detached herself from you and went to grab her phone strapped on the side of her somewhat revealing hero costume. You never really noticed it but Rumi’s costume was, how do you say this, very sexy. At least to you.
You shook your head as dirty thoughts soon started to fill your head. This was wrong! Rumi-san is a strong beautiful woman who shouldn’t be objectified! She does not deserve that! Though she looked very beautiful in it, that was for sure.
As you continued to have another internal battle with yourself, Rumi had already dialled Hawks’ number.
“Yo Hawks! It's Mirko! I need a favour!”
“What is it?”
“Please cover for me. I’m on patrol and I just asked my crush out for dinner at my place but she’s iffy because she doesn’t want me to get in trouble for ditching my patrol--”
“You are ditching your patrol though” he replied. Rumi can already see Hawks using this against her.
“PLEASE! She’s so beautiful and I like her so much” Rumi practically begged.
“Fine, but I’m doing this because you’ve never seemed so serious for anyone before and I’m happy for you. You don’t have to owe me” he sighed, but Rumi knew that he didn’t mind at all.
“Thank you so much! Bye! Muah!” she yelled, before facing you. “Hey little carrot, you can come over! I told you my friend was gonna cover me” she smiled, her shiny teeth showing. “I-I..let’s go!” you blushed, wanting to be able to hide your cheeks from her.
“H-Hey, slow down! Plus I haven’t got any ingredients! We gotta go shopping first!”
“S-shopping? Together? That’s quite domestic”
“Better get used to it”
“Are you allergic to anything my little carrot?” she questioned, wanting to know which ingredients she should take. “Ah! I’m allergic to shellfish” you mentioned. “I get hives and sometimes my throat closes up”. You stressed that your allergy wasn’t a big deal, but Rumi thought otherwise. “Hm, no seafood then” she pondered on what to get next. “How about pasta?”
“Oh-I still eat shellfish, but just not often” you spoke, hoping she would overlook this small thing. “That’s not good carrot! You can die like that!” she yelled, catching the attention of most of the customers within the vicinity. “R-Rum-san! Not so loud!” you mumbled, tugging onto the fabric of her hero costume. “I’m okay Rumi-san! I promise!”
Her concern for you was adorable. Nobody had ever really cared for you like this. You knew your limits and everything, and everyone knew as well, but it was a nice change. The way Rumi cared for you gave your tummy butterflies. Her smile, the way she spoke. You might be in love. For sure, it’s too soon to tell. You’ve also never felt love other than familial love or love for your friends, but you were sure this was love.
You haven't known Rumi for a long time, but love isn’t about the time you spend, it’s the experiences you both share. If you could describe the way you felt in a word, it would be love. The way Rumi plagued your mind 24/7, the way you felt your heartbeat a little harder than it usually does. This felt like love. Of course, you weren’t about to tell her, but you already had a love for her from the beginning. It had just grown into something more than idolization for her the more you got to know her. Loving Rumi gave you absolute euphoria. Even if her feelings for you were platonic.
“Hey, baby carrot? Let’s go?” she asked, already pulling you towards the exit of the store, waving at some fans who had called out her name.
You were still lost in thought. You never understood why she was attracted to you, it wasn’t love, but even her attraction was questionable. To you, it seemed like a whole joke. The fact that your idol even offered to cook for you was baffling, not even that, the fact that she even spoke to you was a miracle itself. You felt tears well up in your eyes. There was just no way that Rumi would actually like you.
Too lost in your head, you bumped into Rumi who had suddenly stopped, though she wasn’t facing you. She tightened her grip on your hand “I can smell your tears, why are you crying Y/n?” she whispered before whipping around to face you. Her face was riddled with sadness, her ears flopping down at the sides of her face. “D-Did I do something?” she stuttered. She loosened her grip on your hand, letting go completely.
You felt your heartthrob in your chest. That was the exact opposite! You were crying because you were happy with her, too happy almost. You never wanted it to end. You sobbed a little harder before running to her, burying your face into her chest. Her arms wrapped around you, rubbing your back and pressing soft kisses on the crown of your head.
“I’m sorry! I’m a crybaby! I was crying because spending time with you made me happy! Very happy! I don’t want it to stop! I wanna stay with you forever Rumi-san!” you cried, hugging her tighter as if she was about to evaporate into thin air and never come back. “Baby... I...Can I kiss you?” she whispered, bringing her warm hand to rest upon your tear-stained cheek.
Your eyes widened. Did she want to kiss you? Well, who were you to deny her? You nodded your head and shut your eyes, feeling the press of her lips against yours. She pressed multiple kisses against your lip before swiping her tongue against your bottom lip, causing you to let out a soft whimper at the contact.
She grinned and did it once more, this time letting go of the groceries in her hand before pressing you into the bricked walls of the alleyway. Rumi had her hand on your hip and the other against your cheek, your arms wrapped around her and tangled in her soft, silky hair. You moaned as she pried her way into your mouth, exploring it with her tongue before you let out a whine that caught her attention.
She pulled away to see the work she had done, she had left you flustered and fucked out, just from a kiss. She leaned over to press another soft kiss onto your lips before slowly pulling away again. “I like you, so please believe me when I say so. I want to have more good memories with you. Don’t cry okay? You have me, and I’ll never let go” she whispered before rubbing her nose against yours.
You giggled as she pulled away, almost surprising her. It was stupid of you to think so negatively. You knew that Rumi would never do anything to hurt you, well, not on purpose at least. You nodded before picking up the groceries on the floor. You smiled. “Let’s go home, Rumi-san”
Her eyes sparkled at the fact that you had called her apartment “home”. She quickly nodded before helping you with the bags, opting to hold all with her one hand so that she could use the other to hold yours.
“We’re finally here!” yelled, making her way to the kitchen to drop off the groceries, you took off your shoes before entering and following her. Her apartment was pretty luxurious. It was one of those gated places that needed I.D and permission to enter, in other words, it was high end. It was to be expected honestly, she was a very famous hero who had some very..determined fans.
Her apartment was mostly white, it didn’t have that many decorations, mostly since Rumi was quite a simple person who had no desire for such things. She did have matching furniture though. You walked through the living room, taking a moment to gaze at her white and grey furniture. It all matched! She had a knack for interior design. If she wasn’t a pro, she would have made some money off being an interior designer.
You finally made your way into the kitchen. Seeing Rumi already putting the groceries away, setting out the ingredients. You gaped at the various ingredients laid out on the counter, why hadn’t you noticed the number of ingredients she had picked up?! There were quite a few.
“Rumi-san? Why’d you get so many ingredients?” you queried, tilting your head to the side in confusion. “Cuz! We’re gonna make a lot of food!” she cheered, raising her fist that was currently holding a pork bun, slightly squishing it and slightly deforming it.
“R-Rumi-san the pork bun!”
“Oh, haha! Sorry about that baby carrot” she apologized before splitting it in half and pressing it against your lips. Did she want to share? A-And feed you as well? You couldn’t refuse so you shyly took a bite, taking a small piece of the pork bun in your mouth and chewing. You moaned at the wonderful flavours dancing on your tastebuds, this tasted so good! It was still quite warm as well.
As the both of you continued to stand in eat in the kitchen, neither of you noticed a familiar flying birdman hovering above the balcony, peering at the both of you with a happy smile on his face before flying away.
“She’s lucky she has me as her friend” Hawks laughed as he continued his patrol. Hopping off of the balcony and flying away like a little weird fairy man.
You both had finished cooking, there was a surprising amount of dishes you two had made. Your meal consisted of a wide but healthy assortment of dishes. It was no surprise that Rumi cared about what she was putting inside her body.
“Come on baby carrot, let's go eat yeah?”
You nodded and brought as many plates as you could to the counter, pulling up a chair while Rumi took a chair to sit beside you, promptly digging into her food. “This is so yummy! Where did you learn how to cook like this? I’m not a bad cook myself--” that much was obvious, “-but you cook well carrot!” she gushed, quickly swallowing the food in her mouth.
“Ah-you're giving me too much credit Rumi-san!” you cried. Your cooking was mediocre at best and she was likely just gassing you to make you feel better. You were unsure of why she was hyping you up, though, you weren’t going to question it. Your mind suddenly drifted back to the kiss you both shared, heat rising onto your cheeks.
You slapped your cheeks, trying to get any indecent thoughts to exit your head. This caused Rumi to laugh and take another bite of her food, used to your unusual behaviour already. You blushed, though this time, you were less embarrassed than usual. If she had already liked you after knowing you were weird, then why hold back?
“Hey baby carrot, why do you call me Rumi-san? It just seems a little too formal.. and I wanted us to be a little closer than that? I mean, I have a nickname for you”
This wasn’t the first time that you had thought of giving her a nickname. You were nervous as to what she would say about it. Would she think it was stupid? Would she hate it? Would she make fun of you for it? Of course not, but your thoughts were going a mile a minute and you didn’t have any time to filter them out.
“I’ll think of one for you, but please give me some time to do so!”
“Of course baby carrot” she replied before quickly getting back to eating as she motioned for you to do the same.
The both of you had just finished eating, already washing the remaining dirty dishes, including the pots and pad you had both used to cook. It was quite a domestic and intimate sight. Both of you, side by side. Both washing the dishes. and the other drying.
As of right now. You were in complete and utter bliss. You’ve had a taste of euphoria and that was Rumi. It was amazing how one person could affect another so much.
“Hey, it’s getting late. Do you wanna sleep here?” She piled up. Drying a plate before placing it on the dish rack. Meanwhile. Your mind was once again in distress. Why was she so casual about these types of things? Of course, you wanted to sleep beside her, and cuddle close to her, and gee her soft skin brush against yours, and—you get the idea.
You were a bit hesitant as you didn’t want to overstay your welcome or burden her even further. No matter what she said, you knew that a hero wouldn’t be able to drop their patrol just on the dot. She broke the rules and you knew it. You didn’t want her to be making reckless decisions just because of you!
“I-I... Am I already overstaying my welcome,” you asked, trying to make sure she wanted this and that she didn’t feel obligated to let you stay for whatever reason? You just wanted a good reason for you to be here.
“It’s late. I would walk you home to ensure your safety, but right now, there’s a lot of villains lurking and to be honest, I’m not sure if I can take them all while protecting you at the same time”
She wasn’t lying. If it was just her. For sure she’d be able to go all out and defeat as many villains as she could. She was in the top fen for heaven’s sake! She was just afraid that you’d get caught in the crossfire and end up injured, kidnapped, or worse, dead.
“Oh.. okay” you mumbled, finishing up washing the dishes. Right now. You were unsure of what to do, she was still unfinished with drying the dishes and had suggested you slept over. Sure you trusted her, but, were you ready to sleep beside her? Were you ready to let her head you snore? Were you ready to let her see your horrible bedhead in the morning? Quite frankly, you were unsure if you were ready at all.
“But if you want to, I can take you home, it’s your choice. I’ll gladly defend you and protect you carrot” she had quite the facial expression. You could tell that she was determined. Her sheer determination was held in her eyes, her lips pulled up in a smirk and her eyebrows furrowed.
“I don’t want to be more of an inconvenience, so I’ll just choose the less inconvenient option. I’ll sleep here tonight but I’m taking the couch” you announced. She was going to take it or leave it! You were not going to go into her private space and make her share her rooms and bed.
“Fine. But. Please feel free to move inside if you’re uncomfortable. I know that couch seems like a good couch to sleep one, but it’s only good for sitting really. More like decoration if you were going, to be honest.
“Fine, but I promise that I won’t!” you stubbornly added. Wanting to make sure that she understood that you weren’t going to sleep beside her. You were fine sleeping on the couch and she had to understand that! She smiled before giving you a change of clothes, some pillows and blankets, including a spare toothbrush.
“I’ll be in my room okay? Goodnight carrot” she bid you goodnight before entering her room, not fully shutting it. You fixed up the couch before making your way into the bathroom, passing by Rumi’s bedroom and seeing her shadow move around as her door was left ajar. You changed your clothes and cleaned up, getting ready to take your place on the couch.
You charged your phone and closed your eyes, waiting to drift off into sleep.
You screamed as you were being chased by a villain, it was in the early hours of the morning, you could tell as the sun was coming up and it just had that morning vibe. You were used to getting up this early and were familiar with it. What you failed to comprehend was why a villain was chasing you?
It seemed as if it was only about five a.m or six a.m at the latest, but surely by now, there would have been cars driving around. You peeked behind you and saw that the villain had caught up, as he was about to grab you, you suddenly fell off a cliff, your stomach-dropping, your voice stuck in your throat before letting out a shriek and waking up in a cold sweat. What type of dream was that?
“Baby carrot! Are you alright?” said a worried Rumi who already had a glass of water at your side. You tried to take the cup from her but she noticed how shaky your hands were and decided that it would be best to help you drink herself. You slowly gulped down the water, not wanting to choke. You were heaving for air after drinking, maybe you didn’t slow down as much as you had needed to.
“I-I had a bad dream! I was being chased by a villain and I was all alone! Then when he was about to catch me, I fell off of a cliff!” you explained, recalling the haunting images of the unknown man who had almost caught you. Rumi wrapped her arms around you and had placed you onto her lap, patting your head and rubbing your hands to comfort you.
“How about you sleep in my room and I sleep here? Are you comfortable with that?” she whispered, not wanting to startle you while in such a vulnerable state.
“No.. please stay beside me bun. I wanna sleep beside you if that’s all right” you blushed, averting her gaze as you were embarrassed to have mentioned the nickname you had been thinking about for her. It was something you had been thinking about and whilst being cliche, it still suited her quite well.
“B-Bun? That's such a cute nickname! A little cliche, but still cute! I love it so much and I’m so happy that my cute little carrot thought of it for me!” she gushed, holding you even tighter against your body, almost squeezing the life out of you.
“I’m glad you like it bun”
“I do carrot. Let’s go to bed now yeah?” she offered, placing your figure down on the couch before straightening herself out and standing up, stretching her arm your in your direction, asking you to take it. You gladly placed your hand in hers, pushing yourself up and sticking beside her as you both made your way to the bed.
Rumi let go of your hand and made herself comfortable on the bed, making space for you as she moved the large and fluffy comforter and patted the spot, beckoning you to come to take your place beside her. You reluctantly sat on the bed before fully laying flat on your back, awkward and unmoving as you felt Rumi’s eyes on your still figure.
“You can turn on your side and face me y’ know” she piped up.
“I’m nervous” you admitted, not wanting to gaze into her eyes.
Rumi laughed before placing her hand on your cheek, coercing you into facing her direction. You hesitantly obliged and turned your whole body to face her, still avoiding her piercing eyes. She laughed once more before inching her face closer to yours, both of your lips just an inch away from each other.
“Don’t be a nervous baby carrot, it’s only me” she reassured, stroking the chub of your cheek while you relished in the feeling of the soft pads of her fingers stroking your face. You placed your hand on top of Rumi’s, pressing your face even harder against her palm. Rubbing your cheek against her warm hand.
“Can I kiss you bun? I wanna kiss you so badly” you softly whined, feeling yourself in the hands of Rumi. Instead of replying she decided to just press her lips against yours, moaning at the feeling of your soft plush lips.
“Baby carrot” she whimpered, pulling you impossible closer to her, your chests and thighs pressed against each other. You felt arousal consume your whole body, a tight coil forming in your stomach. You whimpered needlessly as Rumi sucked your tongue while wrapping your leg around her hip, placing her hand on the curve of your ass.
You continued to whine and moan as Rumi caressed your body, her tongue pulling you in and leaving you in a trance. You pulled away, feeling yourself get lost in Rumi herself.
“If we continued any longer, I would’ve passed out for sure” you sighed, pressing soft kisses on her lips and moving to scatter kisses on her cheeks. She closed her eyes, relishing in the pleasure of you peppering her face with soft kisses. “That’s okay baby carrot, we’ll take it to slow okay?” she took her turn at peppering your cheeks with kisses, making sure to kiss each untouched spot.
“I like you” you confessed, this time using the courage that had magically shown up to your advantage. You swiped the hair out of her face, wanting to see her. “I like you more,” she replied, kissing the tip of your nose.
“Ah~ This is the life! Getting your hair braided by a cute girl while she feeds you!: she chortled, leaning back into your lap as you continued to braid small pieces of her hair while taking small breaks to grab the chopsticks and feed her. You enjoyed watching Rumi relax and eat. It was somewhat satisfying.
“Don’t you have work today bun?” you asked, feeling much more comfortable than you were from before. After you had spent the night at her place, your relationship with her had only gotten stronger. You felt closer than ever and felt as if nothing could break the pair of you up.
“Nah baby carrot, this is a once in a lifetime thing us heroes call a ‘day off’” she joked, looking behind to face you. “But I’ll be busy this week okay? I don’t want you to worry so I’m just letting you know that I’ll be on the down-low”
It was quite upsetting to see your crush? Girlfriend? Partner? You didn’t even know what to call her. The both of you still hadn’t put a label on your relationship, not that it was a problem, but you wanted to know if she was in it for the long ride or if this was something casual. If it was something casual you would prefer to break it off. You didn’t appreciate sharing your significant other with anyone.
“Okay bun, I’ll wait for you” you had just settled on something simple, though Rumi saw through your facade and saw that you were somewhat upset by her incoming absence. She just turned around and hugged you, hoping it would give you some type of comfort for your oncoming lonely days without her.
It had been a week since you had seen or heard from Rumi. While she was away, you had busied yourself with tending to your garden, your customers, and practicing baking pastries. You had quite a lot to do. At the moment, you were currently picking some ripe strawberries as you were planning to make some strawberry shortcake, seeing as you had never properly tried it before.
As you picked the last strawberry, you had noticed it was a mutated one. It was huge! It seemed like it was about three to four normal strawberries combined into one! It fits in the palm of your hand! While you were distracted, you failed to feel your phone vibrate in the pocket of your overalls.
You made your way inside of your small home and placed the freshly picked basket of fruits on the counter and washed your hands in the sink. After drying your hands, you took your phone out to see a text from Rumi.
I’ll be coming home today. I miss you
Her text made your heart flutter. Even if it was simple, it still filled you with love and affection. Anything Rumi did was amazing in your eyes. It was quite pathetic really, but that’s what love did to people sometimes.
You decided that this would be a good time to drop by and give her some love and affection with some food included. You smiled as you imagined the happy face that would be present on Rumi’s face when she saw you. She was for sure going to be happy!
You felt yourself starting to feel giddy. This was going to be a good day!
You were wrong, dead wrong. Going to Rumi’s house had been a horrible decision.
You had decided that after closing up the shop, you would make your way to Rumi’s and bring her food. You wanted to show her how much you had missed her, but you mostly wanted to spend time with her. She was always around and made sure to check up on you and your shoot during her patrols. If she wasn’t in the area, she’d send one of her sidekicks in her place.
When you had gotten to Rumi’s place, she still wasn’t home, giving you time to set up a nice dinner for her before she had gotten home. You had prepared some fried rice along with stir-fried vegetables, knowing that she enjoyed a healthy balanced meal, especially after a hard mission. You smiled once again, you were excited to see her again. You just wanted to take her in your arms and love her the way you wanted to. She wasn’t aware, but you were completely and utterly in love with her.
As time went by, it became easier and easier to admit your feelings for Rumi to yourself. Before, you would blush and stutter at the thought of it, but now, you were able to say it to yourself, but sadly not to Rumi. Not yet, at least.
You heard the front door slam open before hearing a familiar pair of feet stomp inside before hearing the door slam shut. You heard Rumi stomp her way to the kitchen, her brows furrowed and her eyes filled with anger. She didn’t even spare you a glance before placing her keys on the counter and making her way into the bedroom and slamming it shut.
You sat down on the counter, hoping that she just needed time to relax before spending quality time with you. You waited, and you waited. It had already been an hour and the food had gone cold. The vegetables were cold and hard, as well as the rice. You decided to place everything in a counter before cleaning up. You knew that she was just upset and needed time for herself.
You made your way to the front door, making sure to shut all the necessary lights as it was already nearing midnight. You didn’t wanna upset her any further by overstaying your welcome. Usually, you would have asked to spend the night, but it didn’t seem like Rumi was in the mood for head pats and cuddles.
You smacked your head with your palm, already putting on your shoes but you had stupidly forgotten about your phone which you had tossed on the couch when you had first arrived. You took off your shoes once more before stepping back into the living room, knowing how disrespectful it was to walk into someone's home with shoes on, especially dirty shoes.
You made your way to the couch before picking up your phone, seeing two different texts from Rumi before she had gotten home.
From: bun <3
I’m really upset, usually, I’d love for you to visit but I just want to be alone. I hope you understand.
We can go out tomorrow if you’d like? I miss you carrot
You were an idiot. An actual idiot. At that time, you were already setting the table as you had closed the shop at eight, having only two hours to cook Rumi a proper meal before her arrival. You should have just left her alone. Now she thinks that you ignored her texts and invited yourself into her home anyways.
You sighed before plopping your phone down on the cushion beside you, placing your arm over your eyes, wanting to just go home and sleep. You should probably make your way home now. It was already getting late. You sat up, making a move to get up off of the couch when Rumi’s bedroom door slammed shut. A pair of feet dragging down the hallway as she made herself known in the living room, standing barely two feet away from you.
Your jaw was left hanging. You were unsure of what to say? Would she be upset? Would she kick you out? Before you could come up with any more anxiety-inducing thoughts, Rumi had chosen to interrupt you before you had gone any further.
“Why’re you still here? I thought I made it clear that I wanted to be alone. Do you not know how to use your head?” she sassed, moving around the coffee table to walk towards the kitchen. While she was in the kitchen, you remained glued to the couch. Appalled at the words that had just exited her mouth.
“I-I” you stuttered, unable to formulate a proper response under her piercing gaze from where she stood in the kitchen.
“What? Are you just going to stutter and babble like a dumbass? I asked you if you could use your head or not. I’m not sure how clear I could have made this, but I did not want to see you today. I had a shitty mission and all I wanted to do was come home and relax. Instead, I come home to you, doing God knows what in the kitchen! Have you no boundaries? Can your pea-sized brain even comprehend boundaries?” she mocked, harsh words spouting from her mouth as if her mouth was a fountain of curses. “Fucking idiot” she mumbled under her breath.
You wanted to cry. This time, you had a good reason. You hadn’t expected Rumi to be this upset with you. You had good intentions but you didn’t mean to overstep. You had only wanted to let her know that you had missed her.
You nodded, opting to stare at your hands that were neatly folded in your lap instead of defending yourself. You probably deserved this anyways. It would be over soon, you just had to suck it up and tough it out. You did put yourself in this situation in the first place.
“Nothing to say? You’re dumber than I thought” she hissed.
“You’re going too far Rumi-san. I never intended to step over any boundaries. I was already here before you texted me because I wanted to make sure that you could easily relax when you got home. I wanted to cook for you and take care of you—“ you cried, your tears finally sliding down your cheeks “—I didn’t mean to overstep. But you insulting my intelligence and my mannerisms is too far. You’re being disrespectful and I don’t like that. Don’t take your anger out on me” you scolded, staring at her with such an intense and almost hateful gaze.
You could never hate Rumi, but the words she had spoken to you were something that you were going to remember for the rest of your life, you knew that this would haunt you forever and probably give you nightmares.
Her face faltered. Your words had finally been processed in her head. Sometimes Rumi acted before thinking. It was one of her lesser traits but you grew to love it anyway.
It was quite surprising how you were able to defend yourself without bursting into tears, probably because this was the one person whom you had never expected to blow upon you--to take their anger out on you.
“If you never liked me, then why did you lead me on? What was the whole point of this? You wasted my time, and yours as well” You spat, finally allowing your tears to cascade down your cheeks. “You are a horrible person Usagiyama Rumi.” you spat with venom before taking the rest of your things and walking past her, stopping at the door to say “Delete my number”
You understood that you had done something wrong, but the fact that she had degraded you and insulted you was just immature. You wiped the tears off of your face, upset at the fact that she thought that was okay. Had she always thought this way? Was she just playing you? Your mind was just running amok and you didn’t have anyone to calm you down.
Luckily, you had safely made it home, encountering no villains or criminals during your journey home. When you had gotten home, you had thrown yourself in bed, not even bothering to change your clothes or clean up. You cried yourself to sleep that night, your anxiety and insecurities weighing down on your shoulders.
It had been a few days after your encounter with Rumi. You had muted her texts and calls, not having the heart to block her and fully eliminate her from your life just yet. You sighed once more, picking the rest of the carrots and taking them back inside to wash. It was almost time to open up the store.
It had been quite a rough week, you spent most of your week crying, thus resulting in red puffy eyes. It still hurt to touch or rub them. You probably looked stupid, and it was probably noticed that you had been crying.
You chose to wear glasses today, hoping that it would hide your tired and puffy eyes, not wanting your customers to worry about your wellbeing, especially Ms. Takeshi. She was quite old and you did not need her to worry about you as if you were one of her children, of course, you thought of her as a mom but you didn’t wanna burden her with your problems.
Hopefully, today will be a better day for you and your fruits and vegetables.
“She’s not answering me Keigo! I’m getting nervous!” Rumi whined, feeling slightly queasy.
“She probably blocked you” he laughed, finding some amusement in his friend's pain. It was quite sadistic but this was Keigo we’re talking about. It wasn’t rare to see him finding amusement in fucked up things. It was just how he worked.
“But my texts are still going in! I keep trying to apologize but she keeps ignoring me” she whined, flopping on her back and tossing her phone away from her. They were both currently on patrol, sitting atop of a building somewhere in the city. Both of them were currently situated on top of the building a few buildings away from your shop, your little building of establishment visible.
“If you did that to me, ridiculed and degraded me, you would never hear from me again. I’m not surprised by her actions Rumi. She was a great girl and sorry to say it, but you fucked up. Real bad.” he continued, wanting his companion to realize how badly she had fucked up.
“You don’t have to tell me okay?” she grumbled, starting to feel irritation seep into her veins while her supposed friend continued to bring up her mistakes.
“Yeah, but you still gotta apologize anyways” he blew a piece of flyaway hair out of his face before continuing. “Why’d you do that anyway? Were you just leading her on or something? Cuz that’s mean” Keigo teased, adding more salt to her open wound.
“I-I was frustrated. One of the younger heroes got killed. A bunch of civilians too. I felt so fucking useless. I was useless. I didn’t save anyone. I may have kicked ass, but that’s not what being a hero is all about. Being a hero is about saving as many lives as you can. I saved nobodies. I just wanted to be alone and I told her that, but I guess she didn’t see. When I saw her at my place, I just left her for a while. I didn’t talk to her--” she sighed.
“Then I came out and she was just sitting on the couch. I don’t know what overcame me. I just lost it. What I did wasn’t right and I have to earn her forgiveness, but I’m not even sure she’ll let me. I hurt her so fucking bad Keigo” she sighed, placing her arm on her face, shielding herself from Keigo’s pitying gaze.
Keigo tsked before getting up, shaking his head in disapproval. “I got a plan for you bunny girl, don’t worry about it. Just make sure that you have something nice planned for tomorrow, and dress nice too. Just leave it to me. I’ll help ya. Believe it.”
As you were exiting the shop, you encountered a familiar winged hero, stopping at the magnificent sight of his wings. “Hawks?” you squinted, almost thinking you were dreaming, fast asleep on top of the counter in your shop.
“Hey birdy, how are ya?” he greeted, stepping a little closer to you.
“I’m okay. I’m sorry, I’m closing the shop right now but if you want anything, I can open it back up? They won’t be as fresh as it’s already late, but I can fix them up with my quirk!” you explained, already digging for the key in your pocket.
“Nah baby I’m okay, don’t worry about me. I was just wondering if I could take you out? Maybe for coffee?” he asked, scratching the back of his neck. You blushed. What did he want with you? Was he playing with you? Was this a ploy to get you back with Rumi when you hadn’t even established a proper relationship with her?
“O-Okay, I don’t mind” you stuttered, blushing at the fact that he wanted to take you out. This still must have been a play, but this was still the Pro-Hero Hawks! This was an opportunity you couldn’t miss due to your stubborn and prideful personality!
“Come here baby bird, we’re flying” he smiled, wrapping his arms around your waist before taking off, launching the both of you into the air. You screamed as you both flew up, not used to flying.
“Um… Hawks-san... Why did you want to talk? I’ve never spoken to me before” you started, clutching his arm a little harder as he weaved the both of you through the city. “I’ll talk at the coffee shop okay? I promise.” he smiled.
You nodded, not wanting to pry any further as you didn’t want to overstep your boundaries once more.
“Look, Rumi misses you kid.” he started, scratching the back of his head, mussing up his already wind-swept hair. “I KNEW IT!” you cried, slamming your frappuccino that he oh so kindly bought for you on the table, startling Hawks and the few customers in the joint.
“I know she’s sorry. I’ve seen her. She’s messed up right now. I know what she did was shitty but you gotta give her another chance kid.” he nearly begged, grasping at your hands. You scowled. How dare he? What did he know?
”Is that supposed to make me pity her? She knows what she did. And, with all due respect, you shouldn't even be trying to apologize for her in the first place, Hawks-san” you seethed, letting go of his hands and balling yours into fists. You were irritated.
”Look, I know how badly she fucked up. If it was me, I wouldn't even waste my time with her. But that's me, and this is you. I know you’re in love with her baby bird. Please don't give up on her just because of one fight. All couples fight and all couples are toxic in their own ways. You just have to communicate.” he smiled.
”F-Fine! But… Please don't mention my feelings for her! That's just embarrassing!” you yelled, hiding your heating face into the palms of your hand. Hawks smiled again before getting up, beckoning for you to follow him.
Hawks was quite surprised at your willingness to accompany him to meet Rumi. he expected you to be either hesitant or just reject his proposal and leave Rumi in the dust. He smiled once more, you had strong feelings for her, that was a guarantee.
But, it was now or never.
Hawks had flown the both of you on top of this building a few ways away from your shop. Your shop was actually visible from here! As Hawks set you down, he motioned for you to turn around, you obeyed, only to see Rumi standing there, holding a bouquet of white orchids. You recognized them as the ‘I’m sorry flowers’. You scoffed. Did she think you were going to be bought by flowers?
You felt your cheeks heating up at the sight of Rumi. She still wore her normal clothes, but for some reason, she looks even more attractive than she did before. Of course, she was attractive but it felt as if her attractiveness doubled. Or was that just because you haven’t seen her for some time? People did say that absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Rumi approached you before trying to nudge the flowers in your hands. You reluctantly took them, not wanting to rub any more salt onto her wounds. You knew that what she had done was wrong and disrespectful, but you understood that sometimes people snapped. Anger was a human emotion, though she just didn't deal with it very well.
“I’m sorry carrot. I disrespected you and called you names. I made fun of your intelligence even though you’re one of the smartest, prettiest, and most creative people I’ve had the pleasure of meeting. I know that I can’t make excuses, but I know what I can do is try my best to get you to forgive me and regain your trust” she softly spoke, staring lovingly into your eyes.
You felt tears well up in your eyes. You knew she was sorry, but you still felt hurt by her words. She may have just said it out of anger and to hurt you, but it still hurt. There was the intention with her words. You knew and felt it. You knew that you would be able to forgive her but when things like this happened, it turned you off.
Though, this case is special. You should’ve checked your phone and asked for permission to go inside her home in the first place. Your fault may not have been as serious or as severe as hers, but you weren’t going to let her shoulder all of the blame.
You placed the flowers down on the floor, resulting in you worrying Rumi in the process. Were you going to leave? Did you not accept her apology? Did you hate her? Did you never want to see her again? Were you ever going to forgive her? Rumi could feel her heartbeat pounding in her ears, anxiety bubbling up inside her. She was suddenly overcome with an urge to hurl. Before she could even gag, you had already thrown yourself in her arms, wrapping your arms around your neck whilst your legs did the same to her waist.
“I accept your apology! I’m sorry too! I didn’t mean to ignore my texts! Please take me back! I love you so much bun bun!” you sobbed, grasping her even tighter, unaware of what you had just spoken. You heard Rumi let out a laugh of disbelief.
She pulled away to gaze at your crying face, feeling herself fall even harder for the crybaby right in front of her. She smiled before slamming her lips against yours, quickly dipping her tongue inside of your mouth. Your eyes widened at the surprise kiss before you slowly melted into it, using your tongue to caress hers, pulling her in even further into you.
As you and Rumi made out, Hawks stood there. He literally just stood there. “H-Hey Rumi! I thought you said I would be eating dinner with you guys” he tried to gain their attention, even sending some of his feathers to them, trying to separate them from each other.
But, Rumi just shooed him away, leaving Hawks to sadly walk away. As Hawks flew off of the building, his one thought was ‘when will I meet my someone?’. He sighed and continued his flight home. He would meet his soulmate one day. That was for sure.
“Rumi, do you love me back?” you asked, wanting to hear it come from her mouth. She smiled, caressing the soft skin of your cheeks. “I do carrot. I really do” she smiled, leaning in for another kiss. “Why did you choose to bring me up here though? We could have just gone to your apartment” you tilted your head, resulting in Rumi’s heart skipping a beat.
“Well, I’ve actually known you for a while. There was a time where I was patrolling here and I saw you walking home, it was already late so I wanted to keep an eye out for you and make sure you were safe. I saw you reviving all the dead plants you passed by, even growing some berries on the shrubbery. I just thought you were so interesting, but I didn't want to be a stalker so I let you go. Then a few days later, I get thrown inside your shop. What a coincidence huh?” she laughed.
“You’re such a simp bun” you teased, pinching her soft chubby cheeks.
“Oh! That reminds me, I got you something!” she revealed a small box before handing it to you. It was quite heavy. You opened it, only to find out that it was a bunny! Rumi had gotten you a bunny! How ironic. You scooped it out of the box before placing the bunny in your arms, feeling your bottom lip tremble at the adorable site of the bunny.
“Do you like it?” she queried, anxious to find out.
“I love it! I’m gonna name them Hawks!”
“E-Eh? Why!? Why not after me? Hey! Wait! Don’t use your vines to escape! Answer me!”
“Rumi! Where do I smash this in?” you asked, wondering where the hammer was. “Baby carrot, that’s a screw, you can’t use a hammer, we need a drill,” she informed you, carefully taking the hammer out of your dangerous hands.
“Why’d I have to get such a big closet anyways” you grumbled, sitting on the ground with a pout, hating how useless you were right now. “Because you ran out of snack space. It’s okay. My dad taught me how to build stuff, also this is from IKEA so it’s easy to follow” she bragged, smirking at your sulking figure.
“Can you hand me the door? We can attach it now. Don’t worry, we’re almost done baby, I promise” she smiled, ruffling the top of your hair. You grumbled about not liking her messing your hair up before reluctantly getting up to fetch the door for your lovely girlfriend. Has this door always been so big and heavy?
You squatted and wrapped your arms around the door, grunting as you tried to pick it up. You succeeded but lost your balance, your legs locking into place as you fell backwards, the door landing on top of you and smashing into your forehead. “HELP!” you cried as you were pinned under the door.
Rumi came running in, thinking you had hammered a nail through your own foot, only to find you on the floor, under a cabinet door. She snickered as your limbs wiggled.
“I guess you can say you look… a-door-able HAHAHA!”
“Haha. Please help, my lungs are being crushed”
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I Don’t Care - Leo x reader
Genre: lighthearted/comedic angst, soulmate au, good ending
Pairing: leo x gn reader (future relationship) ft calypso
Au: soulmate au
Wordcount: 800 something
Warnings: a fair amount of swearing, reader's mental health is... not great, mentions of loss of appetite/living off ibuprofen for medical reasons, reader drastically changes their appearance/personality due do circumstances, brief mentions of therapy, I think that's it lol
Recommended songs: i don't care by fallout boy ft. disloyal order of water buffaloes by fall out boy
You never would have expected your life to go so horrendously wrong in such a short period of time, but hey, here you are; worrying the people you love, focusing on shit you don’t even care about, and barely getting through the day. You had spiraled so fast - though no fault of your own - that Chiron made you schedule ‘check in appointments’ (aka therapy sessions) with him at least twice a week. Not to mention the mandatory checkups with Will Solace, who was still baffled by your “mystery medical condition”, which included one numb finger, heart palpitations and chest pains, and sleep problems. I mean, it could be worse, you could have no sources of serotonin in your life instead of one inconsistent one. You had no idea how it seems to fix your problems, at least temporarily, but it does. Not just in a ‘hey, I feel better emotionally’ way, but it genuinely makes your physical symptoms less bad. And it doesn’t even make sense, because you don’t have a crush on him or anything. Like, you actually don’t. You didn’t even know he existed before all this. But for some reason, the only thing that makes you feel even slightly better is Leo Valdez’s attention.
You tried to be normal at first, you really did. But he was so preoccupied with his girlfriend (who everyone hates, not just you) and his projects that you couldn’t get closer to him. So you settled for the next best thing - fucking with him. Nothing serious or dangerous, just some pranks here, some innuendos there, y’know, enough to make him think of you. The more you did it, the more it seemed to work. It’s funny how a mystery medical issue and a whole lot of boy brain rot could change a person. You were not the same person you’d been a year ago - hell, a month ago. Your appetite had left the chat, you lived off coffee and ibuprofen, and you stopped giving a single fuck about anything other than the 18 year old hispanic boy who could inexplicably solve your problems, and getting through the next hour of the day.
You forgot what having feeling in your pinky finger or a consistent pulse was like a long time ago. You brushed the thought off as you finished getting dressed. You were a hot flaming disaster these days. It was horrible at first, you felt like your old life was slipping through your fingertips. Then after mourning the slightly normal person you used to be who would do their hair and bullet journal and drink tea before bed, you embraced whoever the hell you were becoming. Your impulse control had gone out the window, along with any structure or routine, and your sense of self. You had hacked up a few of your camp shirts and pairs of jeans, and got some black platform boots decorated with slime drips just because you liked them ironically. Your hair had been bleached and dyed half cherry red, half black late last night. You found all this strangely liberating.
Thankfully, Leo also had mandatory ‘check in appointments’ with Chiron after dying and coming back to life. Apparently that can fuck a person up. You got to the living room in the big house where you two would wait for your appointments with Chiron. You flipped your hair to the red side and sat down across from him, sprawling out over an armchair.
“Hey, Sparky,” you drawled, a smirk already on your face. He sighed and focused on the small thing he was building.
“What, no sass from the bad boy supreme?”
“I’m a little busy at the moment,” he replied, his leg bouncing faster. Even he knew it sounded lame, but he never knew what to say around you. He didn’t know why you liked to mess with him so much, but it always disarmed him, and he didn’t know how to respond. You always seemed to know exactly how to get under his skin, and he didn’t know why he couldn’t stop thinking about you.
“Yeah, cause doting on your girlfriend takes up so much of your free time…” you punctuated the sentence with a sip of coffee. He looked up from his project.
“Are you trying to get me to hate you or something?!” he snapped. A smile played at your lips.
“See, I don’t care what you think, babes,” the door opened, and Chiron motioned for you to enter his office, “as long as it’s about me.” you said the last part quietly so only he could hear. You shot him a wink as you entered Chiron’s office. You got a glimpse of him blushing and putting out the small fire on his cheeks as the door closed. You sat down, eyes tracing the red string tied to your pinky finger that only you seemed to see, and you felt your heart beating in sync with Leo’s. Your suspicions were confirmed.
You were soulmates.
Now you just had to find a way to prove it to him.
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oh god tumblr fomatting pls!
My muse is: canon / oc / au / canon-divergent / fandomless
Is your character popular in the fandom? YES / NO.
Is your character considered hot™ in the fandom? YES / NO / IDK.
Is your character considered strong in the fandom? YES / NO / IDK.
Are they underrated? YES / NO.
Were they relevant to the main story? YES / NO.
Were they relevant to the main character? YES / NO / THEY’RE THE PROTAG.
Are they widely known in their world? YES / NO.
How’s their reputation? GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL.
How strictly do you follow canon?
In general, I try to stick to canonical interpretations of any character I play; however, unless you're solely RPing scenes that have already been scripted by the game, I think any take on any character is going to wind up some degree of semi-canonical. I do what I think is interesting. One of fandom's best features is the prevalence of AUs, and that allows for RPers to explore their characters in ways & settings they might not otherwise be able to. If it works, it works. I wouldn't be surprised if at some point I introduced an AU where Scarlet became a Turk, simply because I think that's an entertaining premise. Might be a one-off sort of thing, but again, that's the fun of AUs.
SELL YOUR MUSE! Aka try to list everything which makes your muse interesting in your opinion to make them spicy for your mutuals.
Bitch is just a gendered term for badass: I forget if it’s ch.7 or ch.8 of 7:R, but there’s no better scene that captures this than Scarlet’s brief interview. If a male character had done the same, the reaction would be oh shit what an OG. Sure, Scarlet’s on #teamShinra and make no mistake about it one of the bad guys, but her actions in that scene are boss as fuck and totally what we expect from a no-nonsense sort of character. Even if she doesn’t get gobs of screentime, the remake takes Scarlet seriously, and so should you.
Fully weaponized: Before Shinra got into the business of providing electric power, it was an arms company, and Scarlet is its current Director of Weapons Development. Let that sink in for a minute. Lurking just underneath that aestheticized exterior is the brain that conceived and developed some of Shinra’s heaviest-hitting weapons. Scarlet isn’t some floozy who fucked her way to the top; she earned her position by designing shit like the Sister Ray - a weapon that, mind you, was powerful enough to take down one of the planet’s own defense systems, and make short work of Sephy’s barrier. She’s in all likelihood smarter than you and she knows it - so laugh at your own peril.
Few FF villainesses: Despite the series’ (arguably groundbreaking) gender diversity among the heroes, the franchise doesn’t boast many female villains. Maybe that’s interesting to you or maybe it isn’t - but it should be noteworthy, and Scarlet is one of the few female characters who can actually serve as a general antagonist. Can I take a moment to say I’d love to see Scarlet & Kuja pinged off each other? They’ve got affinities that I don’t think are commonly recognized. Maybe that’s just me, tho.
Now the OPPOSITE. List everything why your muse might not be so interesting (even if you don't agree, what does the fandom perhaps think?)
Relatively minor character: Despite the fact that Scarlet is the Director of Advanced Weapons Development for a company rooted in the arms trade, she doesn’t get a whole lot of screentime. Her impact upon the world of FFVII is indirect for the most part, so I think you do have to be a little creative to actually put her into play opposite the game’s main protagonists.
Relatively one-dimensional: Unlike, say, the Turks, there’s nothing in-game that’s at all redeeming about Scarlet. Unless you want to flesh out her background and try to provide more sympathetic reasons for why she is the way she is (as some in the community have done an excellent job with!), you’re left with a character who’s going to sadistically pursue her own/Shinra’s interests and probably isn’t going to have some great moment where she finally comes around and shows her better side.
Limited "natural" opposites: Follows from the above, but being a minor character and one who’s pretty straightforwardly sinister in game, Scarlet isn’t someone easily paired up against, say, a Cloud or what-have-you. Sure, you can make whatever RP you want work - but it’s going to take a little more creative effort than, say, a Aerith/Hojo plot arc.
What inspired you to rp your muse?
Some people like to RP a wide range of characters, every one of which differs markedly from the rest. At some point in my RP career (lol), I realized that a certain character archetype that I wrote received significantly more than attention than the rest, and decided to stick to what I perceived others wanted to read & interact with - which suits me just fine, as my "writing method" is based heavily writing derivatives of existing characters & content and seeing how X^2 differs from 2X and what happens when you factor Y into the equation. Anyhow, the evil queen/noblewoman/mastermind is my RP niche, and Scarlet falls somewhere in that spectrum (as an aside, once my schedule clears up at work, expect to see an Ultimecia sister blog sooner or later). That being said, what appealed to me about Scarlet in particular is that she's a bit different than anyone else I've taken a crack at before. I've never written a character in a fantasy setting who wasn't strongly magically inclined. She's an engineer/designer, and that presents me with a different literary toolset to play with; her dominant/driving metaphors are mechanical and scientific rather than arcane or elemental. Furthermore, given Midgar's Roaring Twenties/neo-deco/cyberpunk aesthetic/influence, Scarlet gives me the opportunity to write for a noir-ish/femme fatale character, which is something I've wanted to take a crack at for a very long time.
What keeps your inspiration going?
Drawing air? I actually hate the word "inspiration" as it's used in reference to day-to-day creativity. I'm not here to critique anyone's creative process or tell them that their writing methods are invalid or whatever, but I feel like one of the things most amateur artists (of which I am one) get wrong is this notion that writing/art is this magical/mystical process and that you just have to wait until your muse (another word I hate, tbh) speaks to you. Creativity is a learned skill and it's driven by technique. Inspiration isn't this passive-whatever moment that descends upon you; it's an active process of converting literally fucking everything around you into fuel/material for art. Learning/figuring out how to do that is, I think, one of the bigger hurdles you have to clear if you really want to improve as a writer/artist.
Some more personal questions for the mun. Give your mutuals some insight about the way you are in some matters, which could lead them to get more comfortable with you or perhaps not.
Do you think you give your character justice? YES / NO. / I’m not sure, I do try!
Do you frequently write headcanons? YES / NO.
Do you sometimes write drabbles? YES / NO.
Do you think a lot about your Muse during the day? YES / NO.
Are you confident in your portrayal? YES / NO.
Are you confident in your writing? YES / NO.
Are you a sensitive person? YES / NO.
Do you accept criticism well about your portrayal?
Go nuts. I don't generally critique others unless specifically asked, but I have no problem with hearing what others have to say, be it positive or negative about my writing & characterization - as long as the conversation does not end with your assessment. That actually does piss me off - the notion that other people can criticize you and that doing anything but nodding your head and accepting it means that you're "unwilling to accept critique" - as if the critic/criticism is infallible and understands art better than you do. You're free to like/dislike as you please; but if you voice your impressions/critique and want those opinions to be taken seriously, then you have to allow me to explain myself and why I've made the artistic choices I have.
Do you like questions which help you explore your character?
I don't really get a whole lot of value out of dash games/memes/challenges myself, but I do enjoy having conversations about character (and writing/art in general). Like, no really - if you're reading this right now and you want to talk about character, writing, or anything about art in general, feel free to IM me, ask for my discord, or whatever.
If someone disagrees with a headcanon of yours, do you want to know why?
Do I even care?
If someone disagrees with your portrayal, how would you take it?
Disagree seems like a weirdly strong word here. My knee-jerk response is to say and so? Thanks for sharing, I guess? Come again soon! Like, I really don't care. I mean, if you think it makes more sense for character X to behave in manner Y rather than Z, that's totally fine and worthy of discussion. If you want to compare notes about how your version of Scarlet differs from mine, that's lovely (and welcome)! But if anyone thinks I care in the least that you think my character is too [insert trait here] or insufficiently [insert trait here], then boy do I have a Mako reactor to sell you.
If someone really hates your character, how do you take it?
In the case of Scarlet, that means I'm doing my job! - unless you mean you dislike my interpretation of her, in which case you can refer to the above response. <3
Are you okay with people pointing out your grammatical errors?
Everyone makes them, myself included. I'm far more concerned about syntax errors. Unless someone asks me to edit their writing, I'm not going to point out those sort of mistakes unless it's done in jest. It's just kinda you know, fucking pedantic to go around acting as the self-appointed grammar police. Do people really do this?
Do you think you are easy going as a mun?
Despite my snark/sass in this post here, yes. I try to be as friendly and supportive as possible when it comes to the internet, RP, and writing because I feel this whole gig - to go about writing these blogs and whatnot - is so incredibly impersonal and so often disappointing. Sometimes you spend a few hours writing something, only to release it out there into the void that is the internet and. . . crickets. It’s disheartening sometimes, and I think everyone could do with a little more love. If I’m interested in what someone else is writing, I make a point of it to reach out to them (sometimes later than sooner) and at the very least say hey, I enjoyed that. I’m pretty much always open to writing partners, even if my time is limited.
Tagged by: @gyahahahaha
Tagging: oh dear lord. let’s try @petitepistol @fierce-pride @turkroulette @ivory-paragon @ofgeneticperfection @yaffee and @floralcetra because even if we haven’t spoken I’m pretty sure you posted a FC claim for Aerith as Irene and in this estate we stan Irene, Seulgi, and Red Velvet in general.
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Its still May 16th, 2020.
I’m gonna do another post because so much has been going on.
But, so far, I’m not ganna lie....2020 has done me dirty lol
I came home, realized I was going to finally chase my dreams of being a flight attendant, flew out to LA and paid 4K to get certified, then a global pandemic happened essentially killing those dreams, then Papa died and on the same day that we had to put him in the ground I got a call from my bosses boss telling me I was being laid off. That I was losing my job and I could either take a severance package or get demoted to another position that I hated. I was still dealing with a lot of pain from my family issues (see post below). And for maybe the first time (not the first, but it really came to a head) I got really really sad about being single. All of a sudden, I’m 25 and every single one of my close friends were either engaged or married. Everyones life is progressing forward and I’m just here at a standstill. Still having never been pursued, never dated, never been in a relationship, still a virgin, and no one on the horizons. I suddenly started feeling like something was wrong with me. And there was a lot of times when I would go to dinner with my friends and they would be talking about their relationships, engagements, marriage, and I started feeling really isolated and alone. And at the same time, I felt like I couldn't tell anyone I was feeling this way because I never wanted my friends to think that I wasn't genuinely happy for them. BECAUSE I AM. I really am. But, you can be happy for someone else and also sad for yourself at the same time. And its happened multiple times where we will go to dinner and then the second I get in the car, I’ll just bust out crying and cry all the way home. It sounds really pathetic in print lol But those emotions are real and debilitating.
Anyways, I’m getting off track.
10 months ago when we went to Lake Tahoe I listened to a podcast and the guest on the podcast was an Angel Messenger who can somewhat communicate with angels. I had requested a session on her website and 10 months later (aka now) it was finally my turn.
We got on a FaceTime and she said she was sorry it took so long but that usually means that its all in divine timing and now must be when I am meant to be hear this message.
We prayed together and she said that I have 4 guardian angels which means that my life purpose is to help people. Everyone has at least 2 but people who have 4 are kind of rare-kind of.
We went over so many different things and techniques to use. She told me to start meditating because praying= asking. mediating=receiving/listening.
In the very beginning she asked me if I was empathetic. I said yes, that I definitely was. She said that Gabriel (the angel of communication) was saying that I needed to learn how to cut chords. Because I carry peoples pain around with me that I am not meant to carry. It doesn't mean to cut people out of you life, but just pray and ask the angels to take that emotion away and say that I refuse to carry this anymore, please lift it off of me. She explained that the reason you have to ASK the angels for things you want is because we all have free will. And they can't intervene unless we ask. So, you just have to say “This is what I want and I give you full permission to help me bring this to fruition” This was all SO spot on because I do carry other people pain. My parents marriage is a huge example of that. (See other post about all that drama)
Then she asked to talk about work because she was sensing I was unhappy. I told her what I did but that I was open to other things and was actively applying. We decided to hire a team of angels to help me with this. So we drew 6 angels to help me navigate through these waters. She told me that when you hire a team of angels to be ready because things HAPPEN.
She told me the angels (ARC angels too) had been trying to communicate with me through numbers. She explained to look for sequence numbers, 222, 555, 888, they all mean different things that you can look up. She asked me if I had seen 11:11 yet. I told her I hadn't seen it in a long time and she said if I ever see that, it means new opportunities, new beginnings. That a door is about to open.
At the end, she asked me if there was anything questions I had and I asked her if there was a way to know what your purpose is in life. She said lets draw from the life purpose deck. When she did, she drew the card COUNSELOR. (This was crazy because I had talked to my parents about it a week earlier and said that I would love to do that and was asking about schooling and stuff. But, I never thought I could really be a therapist because I have so many of my own issues and I thought it would be draining for me because I am very empathic.) and then she said they were telling her to read the back of the card which she never normally does. And, it basically read that you shouldn't be worried about your own issues, that if you are just listening to people and helping them the best you can then you are serving your purpose. She also talked about guilt and to not feel guilty about possibly having to go back to school. She said not to worry about anyone elses feeling about it. To just do what I FELT WAS RIGHT.
Later that week, I was supposed to be interviewing for a job at Kraft Heinz later that week. The job was for New Orleans.
Later that night I was googling LSUs curriculum for Psychology degree. And because I was interviewing for that job in Nola I was thinking, “Man I don't know how I would make that distance work but I guess I could...”
And then I was about to go to sleep and I picked up my phone and it said 11:11PM !!!!!!!!!!!!! Which I thought was weird. So I was like OK new beginnings. I wonder if that is referring to the counseling or the Kraft job???
Anyways, the next morning I was going through my emails from the Kraft Job and I opened up the interview schedule and it said Baton Rouge.........I was confused so I emailed the recruiter and she said they had changed it to Baton Rouge because that's where majority of the stores were.
All that can’t be a coincidence, right?!??!? Maybe they are really woking for me and everything is kind of aligning and leading me to the path I am meant for.
A lot of people don't believe that people can communicate with spirits like that and maybe it all is hocus pocus. Or maybe it's not????
We may never really know but I DO KNOW that it was an answered prayer for me. And it felt like everything I had been thinking in my head was being validated in the session. Soooo many things.....
And now I feel so much peace about going on that path. It’s like I feel like that's what I was put on this earth to do. That this is my purpose. I finally just feel peace.
But, sometimes people can destroy our peace. And I was talking about it with Jacey and she was a skeptic and basically said she didnt believe in that. I started to feel a little discouraged. and was like well maybe it isn't real and maybe I won't even get this job and then I was looking at the TV and I saw 5:55-which means change!! And I kind of think it was them giving me another sign of like HEY you were not mistaken! We are here and you are about to experience change!!
# My tertiary Si development: TMI (Super long)
So! I was suggested by X.A. the INFJ (all I know the person by) on Twitter, that it would be more interesting to talk about how I have improved on Si (or… the one I talk about least because EVERYONE knows what Si is), which is introverted sensing.
Because the vast majority of types fall into the SJ category, everyone has a pretty strong understanding of what Si is: trust of precedence over novelty, trust of one’s own sensations over external sensations, the function that understands minute details and differentiates them, the overlooked function, the function that makes you get up at the same time every day… the boring function, aka MOM function.
So… how has my Si development been? Thank you for asking, actually. Because I am doing okay in it, and it doesn’t raise flags, I don’t really ever feel like talking about it… but, now that I know someone wants to know… here it is.
WARNING: THIS POST IS SUPER LONG. I JUST GOT INTO IT, AND AS I KEPT WRITING, I HAD MORE AND MORE THOUGHTS. Don’t ask INTP to divulge on Si. Just don’t. LOL. That being said… thanks! This helped me organize some of my thoughts and past experiences better.
1. Habit & Discipline
3. Aux Ne and Tert Si (Parent Ne and Child Si)
5. At the moment…
6. Time Travel
- Habit & Discipline
My pre-COVID schedule was as follows (between May 2019 and March 2020):
4 - 4:30 AM - Get up
4:30 - 5:00 AM - Prepare for work: wash face, brush teeth, put on make up and clothes, pack up stuff, drive over to the train station
5:10 AM - Get on the commuter train (then doze off, watch outside, read if not tired; I used to tweet during this time)
6:20 AM - arrive at train station
6:30-40 AM - arrive at work (about a mile away from the train station)
7:00 AM - walk with co-workers ENFJ and ISTP to get coffee and breakfast burritos
12 PM - walk with friends INFJ and ENFJ for lunch and afternoon tea
5 PM - leave work for train station
5:30 PM - Get on the commuter train (type article for blog, think up idea for twitter and blog or other random things I always think about, read for work or for personal curiosity, zone out from tiredness)
6:50 PM - Get home, drive to gym (sometimes skipped depending on train issues or family needs)
8 - 10 PM - Finish gym, go home, shower, relax, catch up with family
10 - 11 PM - Get to bed
My post-COVID schedule is as follows:
5:30 AM - Get up
6:00 AM - Begin work (drink coffee and tea during)
12 PM - Lunch
4:00 PM - Complete work
5:00 PM - Drive over to nearby park and walk/jog, shower
6 - 10 PM - Clean up house, fix things in the house, look for new house, maybe do some extra work
11 PM - Get to bed
**Now that I’ve put this up… it does seem like my post-COVID 19 schedule could use some serious revision… ah, this is a GREAT time to get my diet and maybe home exercise back in proper format! I’m always at home!**
The past couple of weeks have been hard, as we’re preparing to put the place up for sale. So instead of going out to exercise or do anything else, I had spent time outside of work on cleaning and organizing the place. That being said, I’ve had more time to myself, so it’s been kind of wonderful; I’ve gotten lazier since COVID-19 has rendered me remote… but in my defense, I can’t go to the gym, AND compared to just… 5-6 years ago, my laziness has decreased significantly. I really like weightlifting now, so I’m a bit concerned about how weak I’ll get at the end of this quarantine thing… doing weight exercises at home just isn’t the same… not enough space or weights, ya know?
Since my job does allow me to begin remote work after 1 year and half, I will likely apply for remote work in November this year, so that I can devote the 3 hours or so that I spend on the commuter train to gym and web development time. With the new job, I haven’t been able to spend as much time lifting at the gym, and it shows… *upset* … I’m getting that internet nerd look back… and I no longer want that!
Where I want to improve upon:
More research on food and nutrition - ISTP coworker provided me with some more information on nutrition, and I haven’t had the time to give it a good look… I WANT to read all of that too! Book ~Deep Nutrition~ was pretty helpful, but I want more information!
More time at the gym; with job and coronavirus, I haven’t been able to do this, and I can feel the tiredness from unresolved stress.
I also plan to begin cooking more frequently. I want to measure food again! It was a lot of fun! Going to the gym every day has only made me more efficient as well. I have an outlet away from my freaking mind, and I miss it SO MUCH. I also can’t fit into my size S gym clothes at the moment… and I’m really annoyed. BUT, I know that I have the frame that fits it now, and when one knows something to be true… then there are no more excuses.
Why can’t I get the same effect outside? Outside has like… pebbles, inclines and declines (higher chance for injury as I have weak ankles)… and they force me to pay attention to details of reality, so I can’t shut my mind off quite like in a gym, where many of those “outside stimulus” simply don’t exist. I actually get too stressed trying to pay attention to everything outside. If I were just looking up at the blue sky, it’d be fine, but there are so many other things happening, and I just can’t enjoy it.
My desire really is heavily focused on nutrition and exercise at the moment, with the desire compounded by current events (both personal and global).
Now, I’m not an ISJ or ESJ type. So this has only happened in the past few years (standardization of my day). Results were… that I got really hot (not in the temperature sense, but in a more colloquial sense), I am calmer (no longer acting like an excited dog at every little stimulus), and find myself thinking more accurately about things. My entire life feels a bit more grounded, less excited (also a bit less exciting, but I honestly don’t mind this), and more clear-headed, able to handle the emotional stimulus of people around me and not get so easily swayed about everything. Believe it or not, I prefer this. I prefer not having to feel so much emotions that all feel intense and uncomfortable and stressful, all of the time, with me having no idea where they came from. I’m happy to be away from human drama.
Having something in the inferior doesn’t mean it’s completely unconscious; it’s actually a sensitivity in the person’s psyche. All ITPs actually have Fe as a sensitive spot, meaning that it’s on HIGH alert much of the time, and ITPs don’t know how to turn the alarm off (thus repression). It is as if you have overactive white cells that attack one’s own cells, and the body is powerless to stop it. In my experience, my entire thinking process had on multiple occasions, completely been thrown off by one person throwing a temper tantrum or even being very happy (including my own emotions, all of which almost never make much sense to me, personally).
INFJ: People just want to feel something, you know?
INTP: Not me. I’d rather not. Feeling anything is very painful and a waste of my time.
So… how is this different from… say, the past?
Let’s go back to the topic and me… circa… 2014. This was one of the worst years of my life. I had been laid off, I was sort of working on building a business (that I had no real understanding on how to do), and I hadn’t passed my licensing exam (failed), yet I lacked the kind of personal discipline needed to get those things done. At the same time, I was growing in emotions. Whose, I will never know; I’m not about to try to figure it out now; I’ve learned too much about the nature of emotions to do that. It’s more, “feel, then release” situation for me now.
My schedule back then… although I can’t quite remember… was like this:
12 PM - Get up, eat food, get on PS3, play Call of Duty all the while thinking about how I should study for the licensing exam and get a business working
4 - 5 PM - Turn off PS3, get on internet, eat something (whatever it was… or order pizza and subs because they’ll deliver, and maybe also order that pasta bowl with bread!)
9 PM - Where did the day go? Oh well, now I understand that aerogels are super light, and WHY.
12 AM to whenever I fall asleep - Spend hours questioning the value of my existence; why am I so useless? Why am I so fat? Why couldn’t I be born into a body that didn’t ever gain weight no matter what I did, why do I have to work for every little thing in life, and why was I born with absolutely no redeeming traits? How could the world be so unfair? Look at the world and its sparkly people, look at me and my ridiculousness, oh woe is me, blah blah blah. … maybe I made the wrong choice after all. What can I do to fix it? Blah blah blah… (get emotional, then eventually… snore around 2-4 AM).
In 2015, I passed the licensing exam and got a few gigs, beginning to earn money and meeting different people. At one of those gigs, I met a man, who knew about Doctor Who, and we struck up a conversation. It was all logical and fun, until at the last moment, he took a turn and explained the value of carrying a rock around because it helped with something… (sorry, mate, I forgot what you said because the logical connection was gone). He let me hold the rock, which was quite nice, I guess (it was just a rock?). I didn’t understand why this person carried a rock around in his backpack, as it would only weigh one down further during commutes, but I didn’t ask. This was almost the first time I’d met someone who seemed as weird as me, and I didn’t want to lose that connection.
Anyway, at another gig (involving foreign languages), I learned the value of knowing foreign languages in my profession (pay is almost doubled). There, I met someone… who I really jived with. She seemed principled, kind-hearted, and to have a proper head on her shoulders, unlike me, a total mess of a being. I did everything I thought she wanted to do, hoping she’d like me back. Anyway, we parted ways as the project wounded down, exchanged contact info. I was very happy about that.
And while working on another long term gig (it was supposed to last from November 2015 until mid-2016), she contacted me in early 2016, asking me if I wanted to apply to a contract job she was also part of. The events of that, … turned my life upside down.
I can’t really explain all of what happened. But 2016 was one of the most painful years of my recent life. I cried almost every day in early- mid- 2016 from the cognitive dissonance and not knowing what to do.
During this process of pain, however, my INTJ friend told me that I couldn’t be a feeler, during one of our conversations (which to me, was like, “what, look at how emotional I am right now, what are you saying?!”.
By this time, I knew my INTJ friend was an INTJ because she fit the definition of an INTJ perfectly. By that, I knew I couldn’t be INTJ because I didn’t exhibit such thinking process (including inferior Se). But if I’m not an INTJ, or ENFP (which was what I’d sort of settled on), … what was I? I knew I couldn’t be any of the SP types or the SJ types; I’d always been rather aware of my lack of detail and reality causing me issues in life, although it never bothered me too much about it (in hindsight, should have cared, but my bloody hatred of looking back at anything that showed me my flaws)… that only left the NTPs, and they’re supposed to be super smart and losers (I know these are stereotypes, I’m just giving you a gist of my thoughts at the time)! I had by that time, clearly become aware that I wasn’t super smart. The loser part… eh.
But I explored that once again. I’d crossed out the NTPs years ago at that point, but maybe I could give it another thought.
Before you ask me why I didn’t study cognitive functions, … I did. I knew about them. I also knew about Socionics and had studied them as well. I still couldn’t come to the conclusion that I was an INTP (or INTj/LII in Socionics).
After much research (yet again), I eventually had to come to the conclusion that my most sensitive point was the one thing that made me want to stay away from people as much as I could, while craving human connections all the same: extraverted feeling. I don’t talk about extraverted feeling apart from a conceptual or systematic perspective most of the time because I have a lot of hurt there.
I was the quintessential INTP; I just didn’t see it… until much later in 2016. This was more than 10 years since first testing as an ENTJ back as a teenager. Talk about being completely self-unaware. *sigh*
Also in 2016, I went to Korea, and got treated with Korean herbal medicine for stress. Apparently, I had no idea how to solve the stress I had in my life. The doc spent hours treating me with acupuncture and clearing up my “chi,” telling me I needed to find ways to release stress and not just hold them in for years until I killed myself from a heart attack, which I was starting to show signs of developing. I know this is all “new age” in the US, but in Korea, this is “traditional,” and most people of Korean descent have no moral/ethical issues with these forms of treatment, including “it’s so cool” factor. It just is another form of treatment.
Anyway, I just sat and listened to what he was saying, with needles sticking out everywhere, but then my mom, who was also there, burst into tears, at which point, I also burst into tears for reasons unknown, until afterwards, when my mom explained to me why she got emotional (damn inferior Fe).
Anyway, so… late 2016 was when I finally got the last puzzle piece to complete the model as to my personality. With my type in place, I could see how others were different in what way: people began to feel less scary for the first time in my life (at least initially) because the missing piece was finally in properly. I then thought about how much trouble I had with life because… how can an “INTP” be so stupid(?), and maybe through my explanation, someone could identify themselves correctly, come to terms with their pain points, grow, and not feel pain anymore (heck, based on me being INTP, I had come to a hypothesis in around 2017 that Elon Musk was more likely to be INTP than INTJ, although ultimately, I decided on ISTP because people asserted that he showed signs of using Ni and Se, not Ne and Si). Things were beginning to fit faster, and more accurately, because the key puzzle was placed correctly (I am INTP).
I also began to stop FEigning expertise in Fe-related matters (Ha! Sorry). It was clear to me, that I had no real idea what to do with emotions, values, or any of that stuff. It was likely much more illusive than I’d thought or observed, and as such, I decided that I must be more careful in these areas from then on (although… being me, I still have issues here).
I actually followed Personality Hacker’s advice for a while, focusing on learning about Ne application. Believe it or not, as I did that, such act actually kind of lent itself to me naturally focusing on Si needs, but also, reversely as accurate in that more attention to Ne lent itself to Si, and Si reversely allowed me to access breadth greater in Ne. I’ll explain.
- Aux Ne and Tert Si (Parent Ne and Child Si)
Initially, I had no idea how one could learn to “lean” on the auxiliary. I don’t know if this advice will work with IJ and EP types, who have their perception functions in the polar opposites of their cognitive structures, but… for me, it sort of blends in together.
I began to do what I do best, focused research (Ti) with significant data gathering (Ne), then testing them out on the self (Si), looking at results, then adjusting certain failure points based on more research (Ne). I’d also talk with people during this time to get a clearer angle on their perspective (Fe), but rarely so, as most of the time, people told me the angle I’d already thought to be most accurate. Ne didn’t just involve gathering of past information. Ne actually required me to take chances and make mistakes. I made and make a lot of mistakes these days… every one of them scary and painful, some failures, and some successful. Again, I use Ne function to scope out what seems possible, but then I actually have to act to gather how it turns out for me (Si). I really push myself to do this these days. And I do admit that getting my health back and getting that confirmation that my actions can change my life really helps me do this.
But you know how they say, the older you get, the harder it is to get excited about new experiences because you’ve already experienced them?? The same thing is happening with me and failures. The more I expose myself to failure, the less painful and shorter the painful moments get. So in order to feel less pain in the future, I expose myself to pain and failure now, so that in aggregate, in the future, I’d have the kind of a mindset that is, “eh, ’tis but a flesh wound.”
Also, if I can’t change my own life for the better, how can I change anyone else’s life for the better? I wouldn’t have the know-how, and I know how reliable other peoples’ data are at this point to rely on them blindly. That being said, I STILL regularly get into this pitfall, and when I do, I get my ass kicked eventually through bad, unforeseeable results, so it’s not like I can escape it anyway.
As such, I decided I had to learn to develop patterns of behavior, learn to stick to things more habitually, rather than just up and leaving once my understanding of the concept was “complete,” because chances were… my understanding probably was not yet complete; I have to obtain my results FIRST; then I can decide whether I want to continue or to change something up.
Yes, I know. But the real question for me has now become… “exactly how WELL do I know?”
And regardless of how I felt at the time, I was going to get a crash course in Si anyway (which has broadened my understanding of Si as it applies to us INPs).
In 2017, I moved to another job, away from the hell that was the job in 2016. There, I got to work with many SJs, although the head of the department was actually most likely, INTJ. I got the impression that he was flexing Se in ways that I was attempting to flex Fe. It was confirmed much later, when co-workers told me of stories of how he’d shown up one day, bruised from biking in Switzerland, or whatnot, as he didn’t see something while on his bike… and much more. That pretty much confirmed it for me, and I operated with an assumption that he was INTJ from then on, which worked really well, actually.
But most of my days were spent with the ISFJ co-worker. Bless that man, he must have thought me incompetent, as I missed the details that were so obvious to him (I just appreciated that he existed and thanked him for it; I did feel like a child around him because of this, but there was some assurance that I could give myself because… I was bad at this, but I’d learn). At the same time, I saw how much he’d focused on the details, fearing all the bad things that would happen (I could tell half of his fears would not actually occur). He also did so much collaboration (pulling everyone into group for meetings), I got a big dose of how FJs use Fe. I’m still getting that, by the way…
BUT I still stand by the fact that: MEETINGS ARE USELESS ABOUT 75% OF THE TIME, Y’ALL.
Anyway… during this time… during my 2017 job, I could really get my Si in order. The earliest I could come in was by 8 AM. That meant I had to be at work until 4 PM (I ate lunch at my desk). So I had to get up by 5:30 AM, get on the commuter train, arrive at work by 8 AM. There was a Starbucks nearby, so I stopped by for a venti sized green tea and sometimes breakfast, every morning (eventually, the folks there began to recognize me and were really nice to me too; I appreciated that). I drank that Monday - Friday. Then, I’d work. I basically relied on the Si of my ISFJ coworker, in the sense that I worked on his schedule. This job had a lot of meetings too, so I sort of organized my time around that.
Then I’d get on my train by 4:30 PM (unless there was overtime), get home by 5:40 or so, and then I had enough time to go to the gym. I spent about an hour at the gym, came home, took shower, and I was in bed by 9 - 10 or so with plenty of time for something else.
And it was in 2018, I found myself in a size 8 dress at J. Crew, and in a size 6 skirt and a medium sized shirt… for like the first time ever. I’d lost gosh… 60 lbs in about… 2 years without any dieting, but I did learn to measure food, which was strangely addictive to me… (as mentioned above). I’d try to measure everything and figure out exactly how much was how much but apart from that…, also learning to eyeball portion sizes better… but all I did apart from that was just regular exercise and eating on time. I definitely got HOT during this time. I did boast about it on Twitter and even on my Instagram; even thought about starting one of those fitspo thing on Instagram. Then of course.. things changed in 2019.
I do think that this blogging thing and the constant maintenance of Twitter really helped me as well; as irregular as my posting pattern is, it sort of forced me to act, even if it was as simple as writing a bunch of words, and allowed me to expand on the initial action phase that is so difficult for me to do. If I could just think and have things happen in reality, it would be so nice.
The more I find the successful INTPs (most of the time… males), the clearer the fact pattern becomes for me: they took purposeful actions and risks to test their thoughts and hypotheses in reality. They thought about something, and worked on trying it out in this reality, with the tools available to them. Thanks to them, now I have more tools to work with; so why shouldn’t I do the same? Well, too much pain with failures, but thanks to my current focus on looking at those who beat the limits of normal distribution, I am starting to see what my options are again. Since I don’t see many INTP women who are “at the top of their games,” that I could sort of set as models, I’ll have to do with the men for now… but gosh, I am still looking.
Yes, we all know success is possible. But how? … to be honest, I didn’t even really know until I began writing this blog (thanks, XA!) .. oh wow, the magic of Fe.
So… I’ve talked about this on Twitter, but a couple of years (?) ago, I passed N3 level of the Japanese Language Proficiency Test (JLPT). There are 5 levels, with N1 being the most difficult, and N5 being the easiest.
Why do I mention this? I’d watched anime, listened to drama cds, and Japanese music for fun, for the past… decade or so, as a way to relax. This drove people around me nuts because they just couldn’t see the value of it (also, Korean and Japanese culture conflict due to historical grudge, which is totally valid; Japanese were absolute dicks during WWII; sorry for being political).
“Stop screwing around and do something productive,” they said. So much disapproval, all of the time. LOL. But of course, being the only ITP in the family, I can ignore these things for a very very long time. I’m learning not to, by the way.
Anyway… during this time, when I learned the monetary value of knowing a foreign language, I wondered at one point, just how much Japanese I actually knew or understood, and since I’d never been to Japan or officially studied, I had no objective means to find out.
So, I decided to apply to take N3 (right at the middle of too difficult and too easy). I did buy some test prep books and downloaded some free apps to brush up on the Kanji and grammar as I’d never officially learned any of this stuff. I flipped through the app during my commutes, and did a page or two when I had time (if you look at the first section, you’d notice I had very little time for studying).
I then went and took the exam in Korea (my mom and I had some other businesses to attend to at the time as well, so, we just coordinated it), finding it very easy and wishing I’d taken N2 instead. Anyway, I left feeling pretty good, and my mom was already impressed that I’d taken an exam in a language I had no actual education in.
I passed with a very high score, and everyone was really impressed, as I got this score mostly from just watching anime, listening to drama cd’s, occasionally trying to read something in Japanese, and otherwise picking up on the language patterns (basically playing word puzzle in my mind based on context, sentence structures, and reactions), and of course, repeated exposure.
Since then, family members don’t say anything when I watch or listen to something in Japanese or whatnot. In fact, my ISFJ mom actually told me recently that she is doing the same thing, watching dramas and listening to Spanish songs, talking to grocery store clerks in Spanish.
I also met someone at work who had lived in Japan. I was very happy to understand her, and she was very happy that someone understood her in Japanese. She repeated that she was very happy and excited, which made me greatly excited as well. I think it was… May or June 2019? She seemed surprised that I’d never been to Japan. From my perspective, I bumbled through much of my speech, but she understood me too, so it was really really pleasant evidence of my conversational competence in Japanese.
I have reviewed the higher level exam materials, and guess what, that’ll require more Si focus (aka time), as it’s more complex and require more memorizations of Kanji and complex grammatical structures. I’ve bought some books (have you ever read “If Cats were to Disappear from the World”? That’s some INTJ ridiculousness (nonetheless made me cry when I was watching it on the plane back to the States). I think… anyway. Could also be ENTP-ish, but I don’t think so. The premise just screamed Ni to me for some reason (plot had weak Se, and crazy timeline that didn’t seem very Si-based, yo). Anyway, after watching the movie, I ordered the book… kinda was reading it, then job change happened. I’ll probably have to start from the beginning again. Anyway, these kinds of repeated exposure through different forms really help me. It really isn’t too difficult from me learning Korean or English.
Spanish is the exception as I only learned it during school; therefore it is my least well understood language.
Anyway, with a more awareness of Si, what I have begun to do… is to show credential based mastery of some of my interests and showing competence in ways socially acceptable to others so that people around me let me keep at them without annoying me. Te users accept credentials, and Fe users accept that I took action to do something in that area, and those folks are usually the ones telling me to stop screwing around most of the time, so getting papers to show “hey, I am actually good at this, and this method you disapprove of actually brings good results, so stop annoying me,” is working well.
Yes, I do now use Si as a way to prevent people from being nosy about my business. As long as it has the appearance of “officially useful in real life somehow,” most people just accept it as valid skill and leave you alone. In turn, I get to keep at them, and have something to show for when the SJs in the world inevitably requests you to show proof of your “mastery.”
Either way, Si again, GROUNDS ME in a level that is measurable for others (I personally don’t care that I’m N3 competent; I know that even if I were pass N1 one of these days, I would still question my competence), and validates my approach and methods as useful.
- At the moment…
I’m actually sort of in a “setting up a new habit to make it work” phase of life at the moment due to the change that occurred in 2019, when I got this job. Yes, I am still trying to create a new habit to follow, although it’s been a bit more difficult due to how much freedom this job gives us (especially in the realm of office hours), and I’d been trying to coordinate more Fe needs into my schedule… it is really difficult. Furthermore, as my Si is never a priority (third in line?), when something changes, first thing to change is the schedule; I’ll try to fit old schedule into new life schedule, but if it doesn’t work, then the old schedule is thrown out so I can try to set up a more effective new schedule that incorporates some of the old successes into the new schedule. For example, I always walked back and forth from work to the train station (at least 2 miles of walking a day), in rain, heat, humidity, cold, wind, whatever. It was my absolutely needed daily exercise. I’d lift weights at the gym. I’d limit my food intake in the evenings because I was eating lunch out with my friends every day, and so on.
That being said, I try to maintain a good habit of meeting my goals at work, writing, and thinking, and am always trying new ways to set up times to do and maintain meditation, exercise, and proper nutrition.
For most people, this stuff is “DUH,” and I realize that. So I naturally don’t think to talk about it because… why? It’s so obvious to everyone but me, right? Even as I am writing this, I can see some of the things I could have done better, and I want to incorporate into the present and the future.
And… I am trying to “materialize” some of the things I only think and dream about. Thus my latest interest in coding, programming, and web development. Maybe I can’t do everything in this concrete reality, but maybe I could attempt to create it into reality using programming. I have a couple of ideas for improving my life (sorry, I’m just wired this way) based on some of the struggles I’ve had with Si, and if I succeed, I’ll post a link for you all to try as well, … that is… IF I succeed.
The other day, we changed all of the door knobs in the house… frankly it was to make the place look more attractive, but I’d always been very bad with these kinds of tools… but I did them! I did get hurt though… which still hurts… I got a minor cut on my left thumb and blood blister on my left index finger, but whatever. The door knobs work properly too; some of them are those bedroom ones that lock, and even those were possible. Yay.
I’d always wanted to build a computer of my own too, but I’d always been very scared of actually doing it because back in college, one of my ESTP friends told me he’d done it, but he had so many troubles with the darn thing. From that, I just kept thinking, “it’s not worth the hassle!”
But I am starting to feel like trying it out because Apple computers have gotten ridiculously expensive, windows computers still suck, and … how many choices do I really have to get the computer I am dreaming of? I actually do have some money too… ooh…
So in a way, in a fashion similar to NPs, I have done a complete change, based on a simple premise change (maybe that’s what those astrologer folks mean by scorpio ascendants and change).
So, now that I am beginning to become more aware of managing the habit part and the taking action part, what else is there to my recent Si development…?
- Time Travel
Oh, there’s also the whole time travel thing.
Before you ask, “what?” There’s a reason why SJs are the way they are. Si is the function that allows me to travel back and forth in my own personal timeline.
Lately, I’ve sometimes been experiencing things where, if I listen to certain music that I listened to during a particular time in my life, I’m transported back to that time, and I relive that moment, emotions and all. I’m no longer me of now, but me of then. Memories normally drowned and locked out by the possibilities I am looking for come back, and I find myself as me at that age. Si is also the function that sort of reels me back into reality of my own past from all of the future possibilities I am constantly lost in, grounding me.
For example, one of my favorite idol group during middle and part of high school was H.O.T. (one of the biggest first generation k-pop idols), and they recently got back together through a TV show in 2018. As I watched the show, I could remember all of the emotions of me as a teenager, struggling with reality, my hopes, dreams, despair, and the events that had made me feel that way in the first place… and I even felt like the 12-, 13- year old me. I even could remember the hair and body that I had at the time, the crush I had, my friends, my grades, my memories of trying to compete in debate without knowing the language fully, all kinds of memories, … ALL of which normally lie dormant due to my overactive use of Ti and Ne.
Gosh. Memories flooded in, and I could understand why ISJs want to live in their perfect moment all of the time. And I have begun to see the importance of obtaining more experiences for that Si function.
Whether fun times or difficult times occur, I will always have access to my memories deep within, and it roots me in my past as a way to remind me how far I’ve come, and how far I can go, and even… the impermanence of any of my moments. Heck, as I write this and think back just to the past few years, I can clearly see what I’d achieved, how far I’ve come in just a few years, and why I can keep going, even if the route I see in front of me are always diverted in a hundred different ways, and I always struggle to choose as to which to follow, struggle while following, and even struggle as to whether I should continue on, even as I follow that path.
I try to make little notes of thoughts and ideas, of events, and try to expose myself more to these events, so that I’d have something to think back on in the future, like a little gift to the future me. If anything, I have begun to try new things, try to visit new places, always learn new concepts and ideas, not because I think I need them now (because do I really?) but for the future me to use or reference upon… so I can’t have the “I know everything attitude” now; I know I don’t know everything, and someday, the future me will see back at me of now and think, “yeah, I didn’t know X then, but now I know X and Y, so Z is possible.” Granted, having STPs and NFJs in my life really helps me with this (more ISTP than ESTP though. ESTP types are still very hard for me to comprehend).
Becoming more aware of Si has opened me to be more open about experiencing different things, so that I would have something to reference upon later in life; that has become clearer because of a more correct view on and use of the Si function. As painful and annoying being reminded of my “imperfectness,” is, I seek ways to try things and get new perspective by inevitably failing in them. Pain today will be helpful tomorrow, as pain of yesterday helps me today in unexpected ways.
I finally understand what everyone meant by, “A healthy, growth-minded INTP looks for ways to fail and are happy to be wrong.” I’m not yet happy about being wrong because I am still too wrong, too many of the times, and I’m not so noble or mature enough to accept that I am not upset about those. But still… I see the value in failure and being wrong now. It’s like medicine; bitter but necessary.
After all, if everyone had just liked me growing up, would I ever have come to care this much about psychology? If everyone just told me I was super smart, would I ever have come to learn so much?
I mentioned much much earlier, that I use the Calm app. Before I begin, I’m not sponsored by Calm. I paid for it out of my own pocket, and if you don’t have a stable income, it can be a bit expensive. With that in mind…
I had a monthly subscription, but last year sometime, they had a 50% off lifetime subscription, and so I purchased it. I think got it sometime in 2018 or 2019 and used it on my way home or on my way to work on the train (if not too tired).
Whenever I feel anxious or stressed due to some emotional upheaval going around me and within me (even excitement), I turn it on. It’s about 10 minutes, the content changes daily, but for that brief amount of time, I am completely centered in the present. Maybe in Se way? I’m not sure. But I can sometimes get very deep in meditation and feel the heaviness of moving my fingers and toes as I bring myself back out. It’s always a strange feeling, held between complete full awareness as I normally am, not asleep, yet completely aware of the movement of my breaths, my mind sometimes getting lost in thoughts before I have to bring it back to my breaths, …
I used to do it every day when I first got it, to try it out and see if it would be effective. It was. So when they offered a discount on life subscription, I took it. I frankly don’t regret it.
Because of the erratic and chaotic nature of Ne, and frankly, the lack of Se awareness, which just tells you to focus on the reality right now… most of the time, I live in this visceral, alternative reality, where I miss all of the obvious that is obvious to everyone else.
It can be a stressful experience being like this. In fact, it very much IS a stressful experience (remember my rather painful experience clearing up chi… I was in that place for like 3 hours with needles sticking out everywhere). When I am lost in my head (why did I do this to myself? Why does my own head feel like being in the middle of a Labyrinth?!), and I feel suffocation in my chest from the heaviness of all of it, I turn the app on, and just get lost in the sounds and the voice of the narrating lady for about 10 minutes.
And because I have consistently received good results from them, I keep going back to the app when I feel like there is nothing I can do. I mean, that app cost me (now that I check it)… oh wow, $160. I actually spent $160 on an app. That company better keep going until I get old, I want my money’s worth.
I wouldn’t have got the app since I knew I would go remote soon enough (the year after), but at the time, the pressure on my chest was so intensely heavy, the mind so cluttered, that I didn’t know if I could handle another year until I had some time to myself, so I actually did spend the money.
I don’t really regret it. It has sleep time stories (I listen to the boring ones so I don’t get interested and then pay attention), a lot of focus music (generally on some repetitive pattern to get you to focus on the task at hand), and many meditation exercises.
In the past couple of years, lesson I learned about Si is this: Yes, I can handle the pain of life, of the drama surrounding people’s details, and the pain of being lost in reality. I can handle all that.
But Si is a way to ground me and to prevent me from dealing with excessive pain of life, of excessive drama, of excessive pain of reality; all of the loudness of life outside of myself. Doing meditation even for just 10 minutes every once in a while, has helped to put me back firmly within myself, as a terra firma kind of a way; no matter all of the craziness outside, I am me, I breathe now, it is my brain that thinks these thoughts, it is my respiratory system that takes the oxygen in, and the carbon dioxide out, it is my body cells in their formation that keeps me in this shape, and it is the my body’s response to gravity that I sit here now, and so on.
Before I began this meditation kind of a thing, I used to feel like a floating head. I’d get hurt a lot, trip over things, and just feel so detached to everything (especially around 2016, one of my most difficult years), I didn’t feel real.
The most important stuff about this reality, I can maintain thanks to Si. So I try harder to keep it in order now.
All of these mechanisms to protect my lower functions’ health, both Si and Fe, resulted from learning and accepting that I’m most likely to be INTP. Therefore, I actively engage Ti and Ne to find ways to fulfill the needs of Si, and sometimes, even Fe.
I still question the typing itself every once in a while, but tell myself that it’s also not the most important thing about myself, and also, to question the Fe impression, always.
To ground the self in Si, to obtain new ways to develop Si, and as a result, impact Fe in positive way.
Also, next post will be on the ENFJs! Brain block is gone; I will just get to them!
Thanks if you managed to stay this long on this post! If you have any questions, comments, feel free to let me know! my DM (?) box is always open for questions, clarifications, and anything else you care to tell me about analytical psychology!
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haikyuu: sparknoted | all about hinata shoyo
all about hinata shoyo
foreword: Hi, everyone! I’m so glad you’re reading this. I’ve always wanted to do an analysis series of Haikyuu!!, and I think now that I have so much free time on my hands, this is the perfect time to start. I decided to start out with a character analysis on Hinata Shoyo, since he’s the protagonist of the series. The three topics I will cover are: his character, his character development, and the final arc. The topics about his development and the final arc contain spoilers, so beware! Please enjoy, and everything I say is left up for debate, addition, and correction!
NOMENCLATURE | Since we are talking about a character, we should look at his, well, character. This kid’s name is Hinata Shoyo, and according to the Wiki, his name means “Place in the sun/Sunny place” (Hinata), and “Flying heaven” (Shoyo). Part of his last name, Hina, means a chick or a baby bird. We should know by now that the meaning of his last name is intentional - multiple times he is referred to as the sun in the manga and anime. He is often compared to Tsukishima, who is referred to as the moon. Like Hinata, he was given that name also with intention. I’m pretty sure the story mentions this, but the reason Hinata was given this name was because of how much he shines. Not just because of his personality, because of course, he is a very bright person, but his whole character shines. He radiates - the effects of his “sunshine,” per se, is found in the character development of multiple people - Yachi, Kenma, Hyakuzawa, Kageyama, and even Tsukishima.
MOON AND SUN | I’m going to side-track and talk about the relationship between Tsukishima and Hinata for a little bit - the story mentions this, but it’s worth noting and it leads into what I’m going to say next. Tsukishima and Hinata are like night and day, respectively. Hinata is bright like the day - he shines and radiates the sunshine off on other people. They bask in his light and become better people because of it. Tsukishima, on the other hand, is more lowkey; he prefers not to talk to people rather than to interact, and, initially, he has no interest in improvement. Plants don’t grow during the night (I will refer to this analogy later). The point is: one can only see the moon when sunlight reflects off of it (I think that’s how the moon’s brightness works; all I know is that the sun’s light is involved lol). Therefore, the effects of Hinata’s presence and his “shine” has affected Tsukishima so much that he is able to shine even “in the night”. So besides Kageyama and perhaps Kenma, Tsukishima is one of the people to be most affected by Hinata’s personality.
APPEARANCE | Okay, now I’m going to talk about Hinata’s appearance. He’s short, he has orange hair, and always has the brightest smile on his face. Except when he has to make a point like “We haven’t won yet,” where he’s got that awfully creepy and sinister smile on his face. But I’m going to get back to that. First- his height. When we first get to know Hinata, the very first note of his height is where he stands at 162.8 cm/5’4 ft. (April 2012). He’s as tall as I am! But he’s not tall enough for volleyball, and he is constantly looked down (literally and metaphorically) for that fact. His opponents, and even his teammates, don’t realize the hidden potential that hides within Hinata. So it becomes ironic when there are people who are taller than Hinata, and they “look up” to him. Notably, Hyakuzawa. During the first-year’s training camp in Season 4/To The Top (AKA Ball Boy Arc), there’s a scene in which Hyakuzawa is sitting on the ground while leaning against the wall. He’s looking up at Hinata, who stands in front of him. He tells Hinata that he should have been invited instead of him, which is very ironic because when Karasuno played against his school (I don’t remember which school oops), he was seen as this very intimidating guy despite his lack of experience. Anyways, the point is - despite Hinata’ s height, he makes up for it with ability and talent, to which others who are much taller than he is are just in awe, and perhaps jealous, that he could go past this misfortune of his and strengthen his other skills instead.
ELEMENTS OF HORROR | “We haven’t won yet,” Hinata says, with the most sinister smile on his face. No, man, it’s not sinister. He’s just in the moment. Of course, he doesn’t mean to pull off that kind of scary face, it’s not in him. Yet the face he makes, along with the tone of voice he uses when saying those four words, just gets people. It chills them right to the bone because it’s so unlike Hinata yet it is so like Hinata. He is the type of person to persist on and encourage himself and others just by saying “We haven’t won yet,” but he doesn’t make that type of face. So… why does he make that type of face? The reason is the author’s choice. Furudate loves horror and drew Hinata’s face with a sinister expression. That’s the simple reason, but I believe there is so much more to that. Furudate could have based his entire style on a horror-like manga, despite it being quite out-of-place as it is a manga about volleyball, but if that’s what he wants, that’s what he wants. However, he chose to draw that particular scene with a horror-type feel because that’s what the others see. That’s what everyone who watched Hinata say those four words saw. His expression, his eyes… everything about it chilled them to the bone and Furudate wanted it to make it clear to the reader that that’s how we are supposed to perceive his words. Because if he drew it any other way, it would have come off as Hinata jumping up and down exclaiming with a super-happy voice, “We haven’t won yet! Let’s keep going, guys!” But no- it’s supposed to be creepy because everyone else saw it as creepy.
SPOILER WARNING! | This section is very spoiler-heavy! Please don’t read this section if you do not want to be spoiled for the outcomes of the nationals!
THE BALL BOY ARC | I will be covering Hinata’s character development all throughout season 4 because I think that this is the most important development to Hinata’s character. I’ll begin with the Ball Boy Arc, where Hinata must swallow his pride after entering the first-year training camp uninvited. Of course, Hinata had good intentions when he arrived, but he did not realize the consequences of his actions. Before, when he heard that Kageyama and Tsukishima were invited to these training camps, the first thought that ran through Hinata’s mind was “Why wasn’t I invited?” Yes, Hinata realizes his strength and the growth he has made throughout the time he had been practicing volleyball, but it seemed to him that he just wasn’t good enough. Upon arriving at the training camp, Coach Washijo immediately denies him to practice with the rest and so Hinata swallows his pride and announces himself as only the ball boy, nothing more. This is important because he is actually telling everybody there that he really just is not good enough.
KAGEYAMA’S SUPPORT | Coach Washijo tells Hinata that he is no good without the support of Kageyama. This comes across as a slap to the face for the poor boy, but I believe the coach told him this for two reasons. One, Washijo does not want to admit to the fact that Hinata is definitely strong and is an amazing player, but, two, Hinata is not strong without Kageyama and so he therefore cannot participate in a camp where Kageyama is not there to support him. This opens up Hinata’s eyes and he realizes that he must not rely on Kageyama all the time; after all, Kageyama is his rival. I don’t know if I’m right on this, but this is one of the two times where Hinata trains and learns without Kageyama’s help. The other time was when he practiced with Coach Ukai, the senior. If I’m wrong, please let me know!
HINATA’S COLLAPSE | Progressively throughout Season 4 we see that Hinata gains lines under his eyes. I saw two twitter posts that mention these- the first about how they could be “crow’s feet,” and the second about how they are lines of exhaustion. I agree with the second post. Throughout the season we observe how hard Hinata works and that sometimes he pushes his limits. He calls his coach to ask him about what he should eat, but I don’t know if we ever see him eat what Ukai tells him to eat. If we do… then, okay then. Lol. Anyways, not only are his eating habits being rearranged, it is also assumed that Hinata bikes home very late at night every day during the training camp at Shiratorizawa. He goes home with his heart pumping so he probably goes to sleep at an even later time. So Hinata also has a bad sleep schedule, and you know how hard it is to try and revert a bad sleep schedule… Hinata is also shown at times during nationals to be wide awake at night. With this, we can tell that he is exhausted. He is tired and in need of a rest. But he doesn’t give himself a rest, because all he wants is to prove to others, and himself, that he is good. And this leads to his downfall- his collapse in the middle of the Kamomedai VS Karasuno game. Hinata catches a fever all because he couldn’t take good care of himself. It’s so unfortunate, but it’s another wake-up call for Hinata that tells him that good things take time to come. He can’t magically hone his skills overnight.
THE FINAL ARC
THIS IS IT. IT’S REALLY THE END. | Ah, the final arc. We are so close to the end of Haikyuu!! and it makes me so sad to think about it every time. The final arc is the last match of the game. It is no coincidence that it is the last time we see Hinata use the restroom before the game. It is also no coincidence that many things that happened during Hinata’s first game are happening as well - Hinata meets Kageyama again at the restroom, he breathes in the smell of icy-hot spray, and, of course, he is going against Kageyama. That’s just awesome. But… he is not only going against Kageyama, he’s also going against Ushijima Wakatoshi and Hoshiumi Korai. This is no mere coincidence. These three people are all Hinata’s rivals. He declared one way or another that he would beat each of them and become the greater person. Hinata told Kageyama that he would, one day, beat him in a game. Hinata told Ushijima that he would beat Shiratorizawa and move onto nationals. I don’t remember if Hinata ever told Hoshiumi if he would beat him in a game one day, but we know for a fact that Hoshiumi did, at least in his mind. Let’s not forget how Hoshiumi really thought, “I’ve waited years for this day, Hinata Shoyo!!” Before the final game.
TEAMMATES: PAST AND PRESENT | I also want to mention the “commentators” for this match as well as some of Hinata’s teammates. In every game that we read/watch in Haikyuu!!, there is at least one person outside of the game who commentates on their perspective of what is going on in the game. We are not only getting the action, but also the analysis. In the final match, we are getting the commentary from Hinata’s teammates. We are finally getting their perspective in the game and how they perceive everyone’s actions. I just thought that was really cool since they were Hinata’s teammates- we never got the chance to hear their opinions about the game as an outsider. We also have some of Hinata’s teammates, Bokuto Koutarou, Miya Atsumu, and Sakusa Kiyoomi. I specifically want to talk about Bokuto and Atsumu, since the only reason I believe Sakusa was placed in the MSBY Jackals was so we could see his own ability because we never got to see him play in high school. Besides the Little Giant, I don’t know if there was any other person that Hinata looked up to more than Bokuto. I think it was great for Furudate to place Bokuto on Hinata’s team because it’s sort of a teacher-student moment where the teacher has to play with his disciple. I also think Furudate made the smartest choice to place Miya on this team as well because it shows that Kageyama is not the only one to perform a quick attack with Hinata. Having Miya on this team provides two things- it becomes a “battle of the setters” between Miya and Kageyama, and we see that Hinata has grown to adapt to perform well with other setters. It’s great character development on Hinata’s part because we see that he has definitely moved past the “he’s no good without Kageyama” thing back in high school. Good for him!
RIVALRY | Anyways, with a little analysis on Hinata’s team, we move on to the opponents. The big three opponents are, of course, Kageyama, Ushijima, and Hoshiumi. It’s a really good thing that Furudate placed these three on a team together (Talking about Romero makes their team even more OP so we’re just gonna set him aside for right now, haha) because it’s a test of Hinata’s ability. We get to see the rematch of the century, since each of Hinata’s rivals have wished for a rematch against him. Hinata lost to Kageyama’s team back in middle school, so now we wonder if Hinata could beat Kageyama now. We know that Ushijima lost to Hinata, but since he declared that he would beat Hinata in the future, we also wonder if Hinata could win against him, this time without the help of his teammates back in Karasuno. Lastly, Hinata collapsed in the middle of the match against Kamomedai, so we do not know for sure if Hinata could have won against Hoshiumi. All of these questions that we have for these three rivals will be cleared in this match; we get to see if Hinata will win in the end. We will learn if Hinata has truly become stronger. This match will let Hinata examine his current self and if his skills now can finally win against Kageyama, Ushijima, and Hoshiumi. It’s sort of like the “final exam” for Hinata’s strength.
Alright, that’s all I have to say! If you read all of this... then wow. I am in awe. Thank you for reading! I really enjoyed writing something like this. I was writing like the end of the world was coming. If you liked this, please let me know! Disagreed with anything I said? That’s fine, let’s respectfully discuss! Thanks!
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November 26 2019
Today has been a day. The way it was scheduled was supposed to be thus: Work until 1pm, get to the clinic by 1:30pm in order to sign in for my tube test, then my counselling session was scheduled for 4:30pm, which was supposed to be that late since I was told I might not get out of the tube test until 3:30 or 4pm.
The tube test’s start at 2pm and are first come, first served. When I got there I was number 3 on the list, so I settled in and prepared to wait an hour. I was surprised to be called back just 20 minutes later, where I learned the Doc doing the test that day had had a cancellation and was going to start early, plus the two people ahead of me on the list weren’t in the clinic for some reason, so I got to go first.
The test was AWFUL. They put a catheter up to my cervix, inject a dye and insert a trans-vaginal ultrasound and take a look to see if the fallopian tubes are blocked or not. Pressure against the cervix hurts like a mofo, so the catheter was awful, and they had to inject dye a few different times which I could feel every time. They could see my left tube fine, it was completely clear. But the right tube they couldn’t really see, apparently it was hiding behind some part of my large intestine or something. Though they did say I had a really nice follicle maturing on the right side.
After the test I got dressed and went to reception to find out where I had to go for my counselling session, and since it wasn’t even 2:30 at that point, I asked if they could check and see if the counsellor could get me in earlier. Thankfully Jan, the counsellor, was free right then so I only had to go down a floor and wait a few minutes before getting in to see her.
I was very nervous about that session, but she was lovely. I told her why I was going through this process, and we talked about my support network, what’s been going on in my life the last few years, the donor selection process. Everything. She seemed really happy with my answers and said she felt I was very well prepared for this process. She also encouraged me to attend a support group she runs for single folks having kids on their own. It meets the 4th Thursday of each month, so I’m going to try and go this week. It’ll be a good networking opportunity, and, according to Jan, it’s a great resource of like minded people. Apparently, they're a pretty close group and they even have a holiday social in January and a big party in August. I’m looking forward to checking it out.
So now I’ve just got to wait until my follow up on December 4, where Dr Dv and I will go over the next steps and decide when to start.
More to come….
December 5, 2019
So I went to the support group last week and it was wonderful. Everyone had something to say and a story to share. Lots of questions were asked and we were all able to give our perspectives, it was really great.
I have my follow up with Dr Dv yesterday and it went great. I got there about 10 minutes early and ended up waiting a bit for her, but just before she came and got me the counsellor, Jan, was walking through the clinic and stopped to chat with me.
Then Dr. Dv came and we went back to her office to go over everything.
All of my results came back good. My AMH, which measures ovarian reserve, came back about mid range, which is good because being too high can mean you have PCOS (poly-cycstic Ovarian syndrome). My CBC was a bit wonky, which she thought might mean I didn’t drink enough water so we redid that test. And everything else was normal or at least expected based on my past physicals.
Then we went over my options and decided on a game plan. Basically we’re going with a medicated IUI. I’ll be taking Letrozole for 5 days during my cycle to encourage two follicles to mature, instead of the usual one. That will double my chances of one fertilizing. It also increases your chances of multiples, but, as she said, that change goes up to 7-15%, however in her time she hasn’t seen it in 5% of cases, so she’s not overly concerned. The goal is to for me to get pregnant within 3 cycles.
The other options were no drugs with IUI, which would mean less chance of pregnancy each cycle, and we’d probably try 6 cycles before re-evaluating. Or we could go straight to IVF, which she thought was extreme given my age. If I was closer to or over 40 she might recommend it, but she didn’t think it would be necessary.
The plan is to skip my next cycle, since that would probably put insemination right over Christmas, and start in January. Based on my calculations, but January cycle with start January 3 or 4 and then the schedule will be:
Day 2 or 3: go in for cycle monitoring. This will be bloodwork and ultrasound. Dr Dv will review the results that day and call me to tell me when I have to come in next and when to start taking Letrozole.
Days 5-10: I need to go in to get the tube test done again. She wants to be able to see the tube they couldn’t see last time (my left one I think), she can’t do the insemination if the tube is blocked and that’s the side the egg will be released from that month. During this time I’ll probably have to go in every few days for cycle monitoring to see how things are progressing.
Day11+: Insemination sometime after day 10. I’ll continue to go in for cycle monitoring and when Dr Dv see the eggs are getting ready to release in the next day or two, she’ll call me and tell me when to come in for insemination.
After insemination there’s the dreaded two week wait before pregnancy testing (I believe that’s blood and another ultrasound) and I get to see if it worked. If it didn’t then we start all over again the next cycle.
It’s kinda crazy that this is going to happen so soon, yet January also feels so far away lol. I definitely don’t want to get started any sooner, but I’m glad it’s happening at the beginning of the month.
More to come….
December 7, 2019
I’ve been trying to put into words how I’m feeling, but the words aren’t coming. So to put it plainly…
I’m feeling anxious and maudlin, maybe because I’m sleep deprived
A lot of my high school friends who have kids that are already in school are posting about christmas and it’s making me ache for a baby
I’m terrified that I’m making a mistake doing this alone
I’m worried because it feels like this is happening to easily for me, and I honestly think it should be harder. But I also don’t want to borrow trouble so I’m trying to ignore that feeling, but it wasn’t helping.
I’m debating going back to Jan, the counsellor, for another session. But I can’t seem to articulate my thoughts to myself, so I’m not confident in my ability to make sense to her.
On top of this I’m moving February 1 and the movers are going to run me about $600+, which is about 50% more than I paid last time. So that’s going to cut into my cash flow for cycles, but I guess that’s what credit cards and overtime is for. I’m going to work as much overtime the next two weeks as I can get away with, so I can bank as much cash as possible. It’s a bit of a mess, but I’m done my christmas shopping, so I should be able to control my expenses over the next couple of months much better. I mean, how much do I really need to eat? I’m joking, well I’m serious in that if I cut out junk food (aka take out) I’ll save myself a boatload of money. I’ve also got a freezer full of stuff I should eat before moving, and it’s much healthier than what I usually eat for lunch.
I’m rambling, so I’m gonna log out now.
More to come….
January 7, 2020
Christmas and New Years have come and gone. It was a busy holiday season on top of a busy period at work. But I was able to crank out some decent overtime, which will pay for my movers at the end of the month, and also pay off some credit card bills to make some room for the fertility bills
My period is due to start today, which means day 2 or 3 is coming soon, and with that comes my first cycle monitoring appointment. I’m excited and terrified still, but it honestly doesn’t seem real some days.
My move is happening at the end of this month, and my promotion, which I’ve been waiting for since October, should come through this month as well. But I’m not really holding my breath on that one. It’ll happen when it happens.
I’m trying to be a realist and remember that the likelihood of insemination working on the first try is slim to non existent, but I’m hopeful it’ll work within three.
Not much else to report I guess
More to come…
January 8, 2020
My period finally started today. It was due yesterday, but it’s been at least a day or two early the last three months, so I was expecting it earlier. But of course that means it would come late.
Regardless, it’s here now and that means cycle monitoring starts. First visit is Friday.
More to come…
January 9, 2020
I go for my first cycle monitoring appointment tomorrow. I’m fucking terrified.
What if I got the days wrong?
What if the cycle doesn’t start until my period is done?
What if I forget to sign up on one of the clip-boards?
What if they see something weird on the ultrasound and refuse to inseminate me?
I’m a fucking mess.
More to come…
January 10, 2020 (7:05 am)
Cycle monitoring today. Got here at 6:30am and the door was locked. Another woman showed up and we waited outside for a few minutes for one of the techs who was able to let us in. Then it was a wait until 7am when the office doors were opened.
Had to sign up on ultrasound, Dr Dv and blood work clipboards (I didn’t screw it up!) and then take a seat. I was first in line so I’m number one for ultrasound, two for the Dr Dv (she’s going to call me anyway) and three for bloodwork.
Now to wait.
I was done inside 30 minutes. Told work I was going to be an hour later. Instead I’m 15 minutes early. Needless to say I’m giggling at my desk over the absurdity of it all.
Dr Dv will give me a call later this morning to let me know when to come in next and if I should start my meds yet.
I also booked my 2nd tube test for January 14, which will be a bucket of fun I’m sure.
I did meet a couple of nice ladies in the line outside the office, one was a first timer like me, and the other is on her 2nd cycle. It felt good to recognize a couple of faces as I moved through the office.
Oh, and I turned my ankle on a pothole in the middle of an intersection on my way to the clinic this morning, so my right ankle is screaming, my left wrist (from catching myself as I went down) aches and my left knee was scraped. And the system at work is down. Hopefully It’ll come back before the end of the day, we’re supposed to do OT tomorrow (Saturday).
It’s been a day folks.
Of course the doc called while I was in my daily meeting.
Blood work was good. I’m going to start the meds today, I need to take them for 5 days. And I go back for the next cycle monitoring on Day 11, which is Saturday Jan 18. I’ll see Dr Dv that day and IUI should be within a few days of that. Got to try and remember to ask if I can pay admin fees early and what the process looks like on the IUI day.
They system never came back up and OT for tomorrow is cancelled. Monday is gonna be an adventure for sure.
More to come…
January 11, 2020
So I haven't really updated about the rest of my life here.
I move at the end of the month, currently the movers are booked for January 31, but I’m hoping to get that changed to January 29, the mover cost will go down by $30 an hour if I can get it 2 days earlier. I’m going to the co-op this coming wednesday so I can take some measurements for windows, I also want to take some pictures and get an idea on where the best place to park the moving truck is. I’m hoping the building has a service elevator and I won’t just have to use the main elevators. But I’m not counting on it.
I’ve also been working on getting a promotion at work. It was supposed to come through in October but it didn’t. My manager just told me he was working on it.
Well on New Years Eve I had a short conversation with him about leaving early, everyone else on the team had been bugging him about leaving 30 minutes early, at 4pm, but since 4pm is my regular end time i didn’t say anything. Until we got to 3:45pm and all my work was done, plus there was only a few end of day transactions left, so I asked if I could leave then and he told me I should stay and help my teammates finish their work. Needless to say I felt like he was saying I wasn’t a team player, and that really angered me. I ended up leaving at exactly 4pm without saying anything to anyone and it took a few days for me to calm down and not be so upset by it. After spending a couple of days thinking about it, I realized most of my anger was about my frustration over this promotion. So I went in and talked to him about it. I made sure to be clear that I was upset by the conversation we’d had, and he was very understanding. He appreciated me coming to him and apologized for what was mainly him not being clear and not really thinking about what I was asking for as a person, he was mostly focussed on the team as a whole.
Then I explained my frustration over the promotion, and how it was mostly rooted in the fact that I didn’t know WHY it wasn’t happening. He explained that it was his and our directors fault, they were not being as quick as they should be in getting the new job description for my role completed. It’s annoying and very frustrating, but at least I know why, and it should be completely this month. Who knows, maybe I’ll get lucky and they’ll backdate it, though I’m not holding my breath.
Over all it’s been an interesting start to the year and the rest of 2020 is probably going to be just as fun.
More to come….
January 13, 2020
So this entry might not stay in, but I feel the need to get some stuff off my chest.
Let me start by saying that I understand that I made the decision to take this journey on my own. I am fully aware that I don’t have anyone else going to appointments with me, or anyone holding my hand when I have procedures done.
But nonetheless I’m disappointed. When I’ve spoken about this taking this journey with other people, I’ve gotten a lot of excited and happy responses. Everyone has been thrilled for me, and seemed really impressed that I’m going for this on my own. But once the journey actually started… things changed.
Either the people who said they wanted to be there aren’t, or they don’t seem at all interested in the process. I feel like I’m doing a lot of talking, providing a lot of information, that no one is asking for. I’ve made no secret of when my doctors appointments are, but I never get “hey, how’d it go?” from the people who, previously, were the most excited about it.
So I’ve made the choice to stop talking about it, unless you ask. I’m starting to feel selfish and like I’m giving you too much information that you don’t want, and that’s not fair to you, or a good feeling for me.
Instead I’ll focus on chronicling my journey here, and sharing with my support group. And if people want to know, or come to me with “why haven’t I gotten an update?” I’ll tell them.
But I can’t be the one who starts every conversation. I can’t be the one always doing the reaching out.
I’m going to start being selfish in a different way, I’m going to start taking care of myself. If you want to know, ask. And if you don’t, well, don’t worry, I won’t bother you with my issues from now on.
More to come…
January 14, 2020
Today was my second tube test. To say I wasn’t looking forward to it is an understatement but I needed to get it done since one tube was blocked from view last time. The Dr Dv won’t do IUI if she sees the egg is about to release on the side that they couldn’t get a view of. And they won’t know which side it is until IUI day so I’d end up wasting over $1000 if they couldn’t get a clear view.
So I got off work at 1pm and headed to the clinic. I was signed in (number 1 on the list) at 1:20pm and settled in for what I’d hoped would only be a 40 minute wait.
Needless to say, when it hit 2:40 and I was still waiting, I was less than impressed.
The nurse called me around 2:50 and told me I needed to pee in a cup so they could confirm I wasn’t pregnant. Then she took me to the room where I got undressed. And then proceeded to wait another 30 minutes. Twice someone came in and told me the Dr was delayed, the second time I was less than polite in my reply.
Dr L came in about 3:20. He was nice enough, for someone who didn’t feel the need to even introduce himself. But he told me everything he was doing before he did it, told I was doing really well, and was done in under 5 minutes. So I’ve forgiven him for making me wait so fucking long.
Anyway, both tubes are clear!
On Saturday I’ll go in for another cycle monitoring appointment and see Dr Dv that day. She’ll have a better idea of when IUI day will be at that point.
Holy crap I could be getting inseminated this time next week. That’s crazy.
Now it’s home to do a bit of packing and go to bed early.
More to come….
January 18, 2020 (7:50am)
Cycle monitoring again today. Getting up at 6am on a Saturday to get blood drawn and an ultrasound up my vagina is not a fun way to start the weekend.
Doesn’t help that my stomach is unimpressed with me. Not sure if that’s nerves or what. I’m feeling a bit bloated and cramps, which is weird for this point in my cycle. It could be I’m hyper aware of my body because of this process, or maybe it’s the drugs. Or maybe it all in my head. Who knows.
Just got home from the appointment. Dr Dv says I have two nice looking follicles. One at 17mm one at 19mm. She wants to give the 17mm one another day to grow so I have to go back tomorrow.
So it’s another trip downtown tomorrow to check on that, and if I haven’t surged they’re going to give me a trigger shot to ensure I ovulate in the following 36 hours. Then Monday I’ll go in for another ultrasound and bloodwork followed by the IUI.
I’m fucking terrified.
I’m getting ready for bed and all the sudden I’m feeling very melancholy. I assume it’s the medication making me emotional, but honestly…. I’m having some doubt. I’m all alone. And even though I know I have people I could call if I need help, I’m unreasonably upset that I need to ask for it.
I fully admit that this is my problem, and not anyone else’s. But that doesn’t stop me from wishing someone would call and ask how things are going. Offer to help. Or even just want to hang out.
I guess I’ve always been a loner, and if there isn’t an event of some kind, I’m not really the person people call just to chill. I don't really know why. And maybe I’m too old to change.
Going to head to bed and hope tomorrow morning has me feeling better about everything.
Another 6am day for cycle monitoring.
More to come…
January 19, 2020 (7:38am)
Another day. Another cycle monitoring.
Not feeling much better this morning. But all I can do is power through. I know I’m making the right choices for me, so a little doubt isn’t going to stop the journey now.
January 20, 2020 (7:25am)
I wasn’t really in the mood to update yesterday. It took most of the day for me to shake the funk I’d gotten into.
My bloodwork and ultrasound were good. Then I waited for quite awhile to see a Dr. Dr Dv wasn’t in yesterday so I ended up seeing Dr B. He was very nice and took the time to explain what would happen next, which I appreciated considering how insane the clinic was yesterday morning.
He confirmed IUI for today, and said I needed the trigger shot.
So after talking to him I went and waited for a few more minutes for the nurse who took me back for the shot and then explained the IUI-day process even more.
She then took me to reception to pay for the trigger shot ($108) and the IUI admin fee ($495) before I was free to go.
I decided to take today as a personal day since I’m not sure what the day is going to be like and I’m not feeling 100%, mentally, still.
I got here at 6:30 this morning and waited, as always, for the clinic to open. At 7am I signed in for ultrasound, blood and to see Dr Dv. Since I was so high on the lists I decided to wait until after they were done to head to andrology to sign and have my donor sperm thawed and prepped.
Blood and ultrasound went fine and the signing was quick. So now I’m waiting for the Dr to call me back. I’m not sure if I’m meeting her before I go back to be inseminated or not.
But I do know I’ve got an hour before anything happens. Thankfully they’ve got wifi and I brought a book.
It’s been just over an hour and now I’m getting nervous again.
I really don’t want to do this alone. But I’ll power through.
I’m lying here for the ten minute wait. The insemination went well and after this I just have to get my suppositories from the nurse and go home.
Facebook just told me it’s apparently blue Monday, the most depressing day of the year. Not gonna lie, I kinda like that this was my insemination date.
It honestly doesn’t feel real. I’ll be using progesterone suppositories until February 2, when I go in for a pregnancy test.
The dreaded two week wait.
Thankfully I’ll be busy with packing, moving and unpacking which should hopefully keep me distracted enough to not obsess over it all.
More to come….
January 21, 2020
So the last couple of days have been a bit of a train wreck for me, emotionally. I’ve just been feeling very down, and having some doubts about pretty much everything. I also didn’t get nearly as much packing done as I wanted to this weekend.
But yesterday a friend reached out and asked me how the day went. It helped me remember that there are some people who care about what I’m going through right now.
Okay, that’s not fair. I know all of my friends and family care, but I can tell they don’t know how to handle this process, so they’ve pretty much decided to stay hands off. Which is their choice. It’s just a bit isolating.
Anyway, I texted with K for a bit and went to bed feeling less alone that I had during the day.
Got up this morning and it’s back into the work routine. Unfortunately I wasn’t the only person who took an unexpected day yesterday, so the workload is a bit of a mess. And I had to make it clear to the team that I wouldn’t be working any overtime until after my January 29 move day, because I have too much to do.
Now to power through the rest of the day and get some packing done when I get home.
The next 12 days are going to be interesting, that’s for sure.
More to come…
Tagged by: @thirteenisbanksy! Thank you so much! <3
Nicknames: None...I mean, I guess I could put what my husband calls me? x’D But I don’t know if y’all care about all that fluff, hahaha.
Zodiac: Gemini ♊️
Languages: English, and I minored in Japanese in college, took German in high school, and just generally know Spanish due to where I’ve lived for most of my life, but I’m not fluent in any of them (other than English, ha).
Favourite season: Fall 🍁🎃
Scent: Sandelwood, patchouli, tea tree, lavender, chamomile, just lots of spices and general savory food type of smells
Flower: I really love all flowers/plants in general! But roses and sunflowers have been my favorites for a long time.
Colour: Black 🖤
Animal: Dogs, cats, horses, snakes, octopi
Fictional character: Ron Weasley, Draco Malfoy, Michael (aka Tall Goth from South Park), Pete (aka Red Goth from South Park), Henrietta Biggle, Firkle Smith, and many, many more! Honestly, how could you try to make me choose???
Coffee, tea, or hot cocoa?: Tea (if it’s herbal - I can’t have caffeine anymore these days) and hot chocolate
Average sleep: I do what I can, haha. I’ve had trouble with sleep before, and still do sometimes, so I just try to have as “normal” a schedule as possible the rest of the time.
Dog or cat person: My cat, Coraline, will probably begin plotting my murder for saying this, but dog person. The thing is...I actually really hated cats for pretty much my whole life up until Sean and I got her when we were both 23. Sooooo that’s quite a long time of hating cats, I’d say. 😂 I don’t know what it was, but when I saw her at the humane society, I just fell in love with her, and now I really enjoy cats a lot! I don’t know what was wrong with me all those years, haha.
Number of blankets: Now? None, I’m at work, haha. In my home? I don’t know. Probably like six? Seven? In total???
Dream trip: I gotta come clean with y’all: I’m terrified of flying. Like, literally have a deathly fear of it. So for me, my ideal trip would be between two Sean and I have been wanting to do for while. 1) Take the train across country to see my family in NJ and NY, and spend at least a couple weeks with them, maybe explore NYC when we go up to see my aunt and go to a show or two. 2) Kind of retrace our steps a bit from our honeymoon a few years ago: go to Universal Hollywood, Disneyland, Santa Monica Pier, etc.
Blog established: 2011. Don’t remember the month, it was too long ago, lol.
Followers: 314?!?! Which I punctuate this way, because this is news to me!! Since when did I break 300?!?! Thank you all so much!!!! 😍😍😍
Random fact: I’ve been wanting to start a fic reading podcast for......is it two years now??? And haven’t figured out a way to do it - mostly because I of course have realized I wouldn’t be able to make any money off of it for several reasons, and I’m having trouble figuring out a way to afford it - so if anyone has any ideas, hmu.
I tag: @violetbehaviour, @keyflight790, @digitalspecter, and anyone else who’d like to!
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Had a guy finger me on my period, things ended right after HELP
Hi this is my first post (aka the username)
I (24F) was talking to this guy (23M) a few months back and everything seemed perfect. We talked literally 15 hours a day everyday for about a month. Our first date was 8 hours long.
The second time we were together I was on my period (BUT I WASNT BLEEDING) I just had a panty liner on (IT WAS 100% CLEAN THIS WAS JUST IN CASE) and I asked him to finger me he seemed a little freaked out by it but did it anyways. I said some things while he was doing it like “I’ve fingered myself and thought of you before” which seemed to take him aback for a second before he said “that’s hot”.
I normally wouldn’t say this on the second date, however, on our first date, we went back to his place to makeout and he would not stop saying how gorgeous I was, how he wishes we met sooner, how he didn’t want the night to end, and how lucky he was to have found someone like me. It was a lot and ended up hurting a lot later lol.
Right after the second date I could tell things weren’t the same. I felt empty and sad and he ended up pulling away from me after that and it ended a few days later.
I don’t date a lot so this really broke my heart so I was pretty emotional when I finally confronted him about it. I saw it coming for a few days but it didn’t make any sense.
It would have been hard anyways to be together for various reasons including our schedules were opposite and the living situation was bad for us to have people over and I was only in his area for a couple of months.
Anyways, I’ve literally been beating myself up over this nonstop for 6 months and I know it’s stupid I just feel like I’m so stupid and I ruined everything with literally the perfect guy.
I know it’s useless now. I’m 10,000 miles away from him now but it still makes me sad like I did something wrong. And I can’t stop thinking about him.
Just looking for opinions/advice! Thank you!
submitted by /u/throwaway-sadgurl1
Help, I have emotions (aka the dating update I’m sure you’ve all been waiting for)
So, it’s been about a month, I guess, since I signed up for OKCupid and started legitimately dating? I have a lot of emotions! I need to get them out! So you get, basically, a diary post from me. Things might get very mildly NSFW, not because I’m trying to brag or broadcast these guys and mine’s business, but because it’s important to the stories, and because it’s my blog. I’m hoping this helps me figure some things out, or exorcise some things, or something.
So, there’s been about eight different guys I’ve chatted with. There’s a cute doctor who was really dull to talk to and ghosted me. Twice! One guy who was actually from Delaware! We talked for a day, he didn’t see my response to his last message for four days, and then when he did read it, didn’t respond. Either the very first or second guy I talked to ended up being a cop; thankfully, he had basically already said that we were too far apart to date (”If you lived closer, I’d totally ask you out”), and just started trying to talk here or there, so it was easy to end that one painlessly. None of those situations bothered or upset me.
One guy I talked to quite a bit, a young guy who works in a lab in Philly, and I liked him a lot and wanted to actually go on a date with him, but we’d been talking maybe a week and a half by that point? And we had talked about going out several times and neither of us had actually made the move to schedule something? On my end, I just had a hellish schedule for a bit, and I had one more date I was trying to slot in, and then once I know when that was going to be, I was going to ask him out. Literally the day I was going to ask him out, he stops replying to me (and then posts a subtweet about how unfortunate it is that he’s attracted to men). I think I waited too long, which I feel bad about :( He still follows me on Instagram, though, which is awkward.
There’s this other guy I’ve been talking to, I’ll call him “S,” who is REALLY cute. Physically, I’m into him perhaps more than anyone I’ve talked to. But he’s ended up being a pretty boring to talk to. He lives almost two hours away, so I initially talked about coming down to meet him, but then as time passed and I realized that he was kinda boring, I was less enthused, and I haven’t initiated conversation with him in a while, but he’s still been messaging me and talking about meeting up. So it was definitely time to either meet up or call things off completely. This Sunday coming up I’m heading not too far from him to see a concert anyway, so I told him I’d come down around lunch time and we could hang for a few hours and see what happens. I’m not expecting much out of it, but maybe he’ll surprise me. And if I end up calling things off, at least I can say I gave it the good ol’ college try.
But there’s been three guys I’ve actually gone on dates with so far, and have really liked all of them. So, of course, that’s where things get complicated. I’m going to start with this guy “J.” He’s a park ranger in Philly, and I really enjoy talking to him, both by text and in person. I think he’s interesting and knows how to hold a conversation. He’s cute too, but after our first date (where we met for dinner and walked around the city a bit; I had a very nice time) I wasn’t sure how much physical chemistry we had; we were clearly into each other, but there was no kiss or anything, and only very mild flirting by text. He has more dating experience than me, but not much, so I think we’re both pretty hesitant sometimes. It took about two weeks to go on another date with him, and by the time we had the date, I had kinda assumed we would end up being just friends, and was fine with that, to be honest.
The second date started out pretty awkward. We had dinner and walked around the city again, but we only had two hours of parking where we were, so had to wrap things up pretty quickly. I was hoping he would want to go somewhere else and continue the date for a little while, but all of a sudden he sprung on me “oh, here’s my car!” and it legit startled me, and I was too thrown to suggest going somewhere else, and he didn’t either and just said “I’ll see you next time!” And we did a hug goodbye that was awkward because as soon as it became a hug I got a vibe “oh, that should have been a kiss” and got really self conscious. So it ended awkwardly, and I felt dumb, and I drove over to the Barcade because that’s what I do when I have time to kill in Philly, and/or when I’m feeling down. He ends up texting me as soon as I get there saying that he had a great time but thought that I seemed a bit disappointed, so I explained to him how I had hoped it would last longer, and he admitted that he had wanted to kiss me at the end and wasn’t sure if he should, and I agreed that I had wanted that too; long story short, he drives over to the Barcade too and we have a much nicer date over there, a really nice conversation then about twenty minutes of making out in a booth. I gotta say, public making out is very bizarre, but I enjoyed it haha.
So the next day and a half or so we have some really frank conversations about sex and what we’re looking for in relationships and all that. He admits that he’s having trouble choosing between me and another guy, and I say I’m basically doing the same thing (except he’s one of three). We all but say we’re going to have sex with each other soon. And then, three days after that second date, he texts me to tell me that he asked the other guy to be his boyfriend. So it wasn’t out of nowhere, but I wasn’t expecting it to happen that quickly! And right as I was really starting to get attached to him. I’m not going to act like two dates and a month or so of conversation is an epic romance, but it still hurt, especially the fact that he chose somebody else over me. But I also freely admit that he did nothing wrong, and if he was trying to find a boyfriend that quickly, he probably made the right choice. If he had asked me to be his boyfriend instead, I don’t know if I would’ve said yes. But, y’know, it still hurt.
We agreed to stay friends, and then the next day he texts me to say that he’s having second thoughts -- this is his first boyfriend, and he’s starting to feel like he lost his freedom (”On the first day?!” I reply back). He eventually says that he still wants to have sex with me, and is thinking of trying to open up his relationship. I’ll admit, it was tempting, but I could also see that it was a mess and I probably dodged a bullet. I told him to figure things out with his boyfriend before he started asking me about it. And he drops it. Then yesterday he brings it up again (and basically asks in a way that says “I don’t think much of open relationships but”), so at that point I tell him off. Maybe if he had already been in an open relationship when he met me, or if he had approached us both to say “I wanna date both of you” I’d have been into it. But the way he did it made me feel like an afterthought, a second choice, like he was trying to have his cake and eat it too or like I was a doubt he needed to get out of his head before he could fully commit to his boyfriend. I told him it made me feel shitty and I didn’t want to be a part of it. And to his credit, he immediately apologized, said he was selfish (a word I didn’t use, so he brought that on his own), and agreed we’d really just be friends from here on out, and he told his BF everything he had asked me and how I’d responded and apologized to him and they decided to be monogamous. So, bittersweet ending I guess.
Except it’s still got me a little fucked up. Why does one rejection stick in my craw more than all the compliments I’m getting from the two guys I’m still talking to who really, really like me? Honestly, part of it was just that I really thought we were going to have sex. I still haven’t had sex -- J and I only kissed, “N” and I have made out a lot and he sucked me off a little, but he doesn’t have sex unless he’s in a relationship, and “P” and I have done pretty much everything two guys can do up to actual penetrative sex, so based off that and a convo we had today I’m thinking it will happen next time I see him, but it’s going to be two more weeks before I can see him again. So thinking about J having sex with his boyfriend has really got me down and frustrated. Not even because I want to have sex with him, just because I want to have some goddamn sex already, and he’s having it and I’m not. And I realize that’s petty. But that’s how I feel
Him having “settled down” also has me anxious about N and P, the other two guys, and ones I liked more than J from the start, despite my last five paragraphs lol. N lives in Philly, and we’ve gone out four times now. He’s made it clear that he’d love to date me and that he’d be my boyfriend in a heartbeat, but I have to be the one to ask at this point, because he’s brought it up multiple times and I’m basically saying I’m not ready to make a decision yet. N works in a pharmacy but is a brilliant chef who made me a homecooked meal on our first date and it was some real romantic comedy shit -- I was midsentence as he cooked and he turned around, kissed me, and said “I’d been wanting to do that all night” leaving me in an amazing daze. N and I click really well and basically spend our dates playing video games, eating, and cuddling/making out (which I love doing with him) while we watch anime, and it’s really nice. He lives with one of his best friends and her family and they’ve all really welcomed me into their lives. He’s such a kind, generous person, who I make blush fairly often, and vice versa. I could see myself dating him.
But he also describes himself as a functional alcoholic. He smokes, which I hate, but he only does it outside -- the bigger issue there is the vaping, which he does inside. It makes him taste great when we make out, but IDK what it’s doing to my health (I always feel hazy when I leave his place, but I don’t know if it’s the smoke or that I’m generally leaving really late), and I don’t like being in even the faint smoke all the time. I need to talk to him about it on our next date, but I could see it being a dealbreaker. He’s also not a great texter. We have no problem talking in person, but our text convos are pretty sporadic, I haven’t quite cracked the code to them yet. That’s not the end of the world, but I’m going to have to figure out some way to talk to him between dates if we’re not texting because having that form of communication is important to me. He knows about me growing up in a cult (all three of these guys did/do, actually) and that I’m not out to my family yet and says he’s fine with it, but I don’t think he really *gets* it and is a little frustrated that I haven’t been able to stay the night yet. I am too, admittedly and obviously, but the pressure when I’m in a really complicated situation is a little much sometimes.
P, meanwhile, is a personal trainer and music teacher. We text pretty much all day every day, some of it legit conversation, some of it just silly bullshit, but it’s fun and makes me happy. He took me to a trampoline park on our first date, and out to a terrific brunch, and we have just as easy a chemistry in person as we do by text. He’s very zen and has an intriguing outlook on life that I appreciate. He’s not religious at all but does consider himself spiritual and he’s the first person who has made that distinction appealing to me. And we have electric physical chemistry. I am just so attracted to him, and apparently, vice versa. I won’t get into all the details, but things went way further, way faster with him than I expected (I’ve done more with him than I’ve done with anyone else), and I loved every minute of it. Again, I could really, really see myself dating this guy.
The biggest problem here is the distance. He lives about 1 hour and 45 minutes away. It’s not the worst distance by a long margin. I drive that fairly often, and have considered dating guys who live that far away before. But it’s still a big complication, especially this month, when he’s non-stop swamped conducting two school plays, and also while I’m still living at home, which means he can’t come down to visit. I’m not sure how to navigate it yet, especially as we go further into the future. IDK if I would want to live in his town, if it came to that -- It’s nice, but I want to live in Philly, and I’d be even further from Philly there than I am now. Would he ever wanna move, even though his family, his students, and the business he built for himself are all in that town? I dunno. Those are probably questions for further in the future, but they have me really anxious.
It’s probably too early to be trying to “choose,” but I’m feeling that pressure from multiple directions, some more legit than others. I purposely haven’t matched with anyone else on the app or tried talking to anyone new because I wanna resolve things with my current batch of guys before I do. Honestly? I wish I hadn’t met them all at the same time. N and P are both great guys and I’d have dated either of them, and I feel shitty that choosing one means dropping the other and not getting that chance. But I’m going to try to be patient and get to know them both better, and maybe my path forward will become clearer as I do.
Anyway, that’s where I am right now. And actually? Yeah, I do feel better getting this off my chest.
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I was told literally 4 days ago to not make threats, and within that span of time, I’m reminded of why I gave up on rational reasoning a long time ago.
1) People don’t care about the facts.
Oh, maybe the lucky few care, but majority of people are pathetic expendable sheep who jump onto the bandwagon, regardless of where it’s headed. It doesn’t matter how many goddamn facts you slam onto the table, every single goddamn human on this planet goes “b-but... my morality and feels...”
Like fuck sakes. What am I supposed to do about that? Call the FBI or some shit and have them deal with this shit when the topic’s about something that can negatively impact, ruin, or even kill massive amounts of people? Then that really wouldn’t be any different than using force, now would it? What’re the FBI and crap gonna do? The same kind of “hey, don’t do that, here are the facts, calm down” that many others, not just me, have attempted to do but failed to succeed?
To be honest, I feel like people try too hard to copy Gandhi. He even failed in the end when his killers were executed despite his preaching of non-violence. Ironic, isn’t it, that the kindest man promoted violence with his death, despite even feeling sorry for his killers in his last moments.
So yeah. Kinda pissed. Why do I have to play a saint for a steadfast sinner? I doubt anyone tried to talk it out with Osama bin Laden and ISIS when they massacred innocents “for allah” and shit. Try Hitler.
That, and people twist the facts for their own agenda. I remember some textbook cited a study that disproved the positive correlation between violence and video games, but of course, the textbook said there was a cause between the two in the positive direction, when in reality, the study proved a negative correlation.
2) People don’t listen and aren’t open to change in the slightest.
Oh, maybe the lucky few care, but majority of people don’t listen at all. I can count the amount of “those are good points” said by someone else on my hands, and god if I had a penny for every “lol too long not gonna read” or “lol k sure” I’d pay off the US debt, fully fund everyone’s college education, pay off everyone’s student debt, and somehow still be ungodly rich by the end of it.
Thing is, you can’t change someone who isn’t willing to change. That’s on them. And sure, anyone could say “you can’t control them, so focus on what you can control,” say that to the Jews during the holocaust. CAN’T CONTROL HITLER, BUT HEY, YOU CAN CHANGE YOURSELF. Seriously, already throughout history, we’ve justified murder for stupider reasons than for justice and peace. Besides for bad reasons, stripping the rights of the Japs in America for peace and terrorism prevention? I wonder how many people died from maltreatment.
While we’re spending our time trying to talk them down, let’s let the bodies pile up from direct and indirect causes rooting from the bastard we’re trying to “civilly reason with.” I can prove with a lot of facts on several issues I argue for that there is a direct and/or indirect cause that will increase the deaths of people via suicide or shootings, but of course, I doubt anyone would care, even if I cite literally every single academic paper on Earth.
3) Might makes right in the very end.
“Huh, that makes sense. I’ll stop bullying you,” -a nonexistent bully.
Seriously, if you were a slave, try taking back to a cruel master and telling them to stop because it was wrong. Try being the wimpy kid telling the big fat son of a bitch bully that “what you’re doing is wrong and uncivil” and see if that piece of shit will go like “alright, I’ll stop.”
Every single time, a bad person was stopped because the little guy became the bigger guy, or there was a bigger guy for the little guy to turn to. Tell the little terrorist to stop executing people for allah because they’re hurting people who don’t deserve it. No no, go. Trust me, they won’t shoot you or anything. They’ll DEFINITELY stop.
The reason why bad people wouldn’t stop? Why would they listen to someone clearly weaker than them? Only when you’re on-par or stronger than them is when they’ll listen. My narcissist brother stopped trying to go for a punch after he broke his itty bitty little pinky and fingers when his wussy punch went straight across my cheek, and started listening and talking quite a bit more after that incident.
Which is, honestly, quite hypocritical of me because I don’t do any fighting. I just shout and rant like a motherfucker about issues instead of go out and actually do things.
And sure, I could get the bigger guy. They exist. The teachers, the feds, whatever. Thing is:
a) You can’t rely on others all the time. Call them over for every issue, you know. Tire them out until they can’t do anything. An organization is finite, and its finity is composed of easily tired humans. They also need time to act as well, so what to do when time is of the essence? Just keep crying for someone else?
b) More personal than general, but I’ve had a bad history with asking others for help, only to not receive. Thanks, teachers. I really sense the concern </s>.
The issues I have and want to fight against are also issues that no one can just take down with force. It’s ideas. Ideas that people act on and people give power to, which hurt people who have done nothing wrong or wasn’t born just like the others.
Well, technically, eliminate everyone with that idea and it’d be gone, but that wouldn’t work, due to several technical and ethical issues. So uh, no.
To simplify why that wouldn’t work:
case 1) successful genocide
The idea still exists within culture and creations from it, aka books n’ shit.
case 2) burn all the books
The people can still spread it. Hurr durr.
case 3) try both?
People can just reinvent it down the line of history.
case 4) omnicide?
Are you an idiot?
In summary: allowing the idea to exist and be disproven will limit/stop the harm done of the people who let said idea affect them in the future.
Thus I introduce you to my unending loop of dealing with stupid people:
Solution 1) Talk it out civilly: wouldn’t work for the reasons above.
Solution 2) Violence and force: wouldn’t work for the reasons above.
The only ways out of the loop are the following:
Escape 1) Drag the ones capable of change out, gain new perspective, possibly help bring others out as well. [Issue: more time passes, more bodies pile up]
Escape 2) Eliminates the ones causing harm and thus minimizes/stops all harm henceforth. [Issue: doesn’t solve underlying problem]
And unless someone wants to accomplish the same task (end unnecessary pain) perfectly, it’s the acceptance of one of the issues to be inevitable and unsolvable.
Personally, I cannot tell anyone who I can’t help the words “well that’s just life” if I choose to be civil, nor be the one who tells who I can’t persuade “this is for the greater good” because in either situation, it’s fucked up for its own reason. So yay, neverending internal conflict.
And finally, “why don’t you just ignore them?”
Because I’m not normal (wow, what a surprise) within societal standards, mainly due to aspergers and other mental oddities, and some of this shit I’m “fighting” (as in rant and complain about) for kinda pertains to whether or not I’m gonna die in the future.
Anyway, that’s all. A therapist sometimes interrupts my train of thought and I end up forgetting to say the stuff I did here, thus never letting me actually resolve the issue.
I still need a professional tho. Need to find and schedule one soon.
Its been awhile since I’ve updated you all on this. I had some people ask me when I was planning on updating. I didn’t realize you guys were still reading. <3 Thank you for caring. Anywho, its been about 3 months since I found out I was in remission/done with chemo. Every 3 months I have to get a CT scan, for the next 1-2 years. After that I don’t know how often I will need to. That means that I just got my first post remission CT scan. Man, I got to tell you, the week of the scheduled date I was so nervous the whole time worrying about it. The anxiety is no joke when it comes to getting it done and then having to wait for results. EEP. I got the scan done yesterday morning and I am not seeing my oncologist until Monday for a follow up and the results of the scan. I was not looking forward to worrying about the results all weekend. THANKFULLY though, my doctor who did my colectomy surgery read the results a couple hours after it was submitted and then called me directly to let me know! Ugh, I really do have the best doctors. It just feels amazing that they go out of the way to do a gesture that impacts the patient greatly! And... the results were that it looks the SAME aka still CANCER FREE!! Yay! Now I could finally breathe and enjoy the weekend!
Work wise - which many of you have asked.. I have started working again about 3 weeks ago. Now don’t go jumping for joy, its only 4hour shifts twice a week for now. It is also doing admin work, not direct patient care working on my L&D unit. Baby steps! (Ugh). I was the one that asked work and my doctor if I could go back to work. It just felt like my brain was melting away not being used. And it felt like I had no reason to get out of bed and do anything. It also felt like I wasn’t needed. Don’t get me wrong, I have so many limitations written by the doctors for what I can and cannot do at work because I still have so many side effects from chemo that I am still waiting (really impatiently now) to go away. - I will go over these in a minute. With work though, so far, so good. Slowly getting back into the routine and hoping to up my hours soon. I was told by multiple health care workers to stop trying to rush to go back to work and do this for like 6 months until I am due for another evaluation. I legit said.. I mean the only reason I want to work more is because who can live off of only working 8 hours a week?? Not me... I was BLESSED enough to get so many donations from so many people last year when I first found out I had cancer. But as you all know, all those doctor appointments, surgeries, chemo, etc is not cheap.. even with insurance. And of course I still had bills to pay monthly. So all the donated money is now depleted and I need money to pay my bills. Otherwise, I really wouldn’t rush into working my body that has just been through hell. Don’t worry though, I’m not jumping in and am really trying to be realistic. Plus, its not like I’ll get approved to go straight back in anyways even if I wanted lol. Honestly though, any suggestions? Oh and just for shits and giggles.. my very first day back working only 4 hours.. I went home and slept for 5 hours.. LOL
As for my side effects, I was told they would start going away after a few months (and now that its been a few months..) GO AWAY! I still have neuropathy - tingling, numbness, pain in my fingers and toes (which is also the most annoying one), fatigue, loss of balance, wonky ass emotions, chemo brain, umm.. I know I have a few more but I’m having trouble thinking of it. (Example of my stupid chemo brain winning). The neuropathy is worse during the winter because of the cold weather and ugh it is just so frustrating. Having trouble buttoning/zipping up my clothes/jackets, tying my shoelaces, holding/picking up stuff that’s cold, bending my fingers to grip and hold stuff.. you get the picture. Its hard at work too because the office I am using is shared with 2 others. One of them likes it cold.. and her temperature of it feeling nice is my omg its freaking freezing!! My hands are so cold (even with hand warmers) that it becomes hard to type. My fingers legit get cold as soon as I stop holding the hand warmer. I also have a hand warmer that plugs into the computer but it doesn’t get my fingers =\. I think i need to buy a small portable personal heater that goes on my desk and it pointed right at my fingers or something. =[. I was told if i still have neuropathy after a year it may never go away. Thankfully, I think it is a little better than before when I was still on chemo. So I’m really hoping it will go away. *fingers crossed*.
I did start working out again! I’m only going about twice a week and I have to stop a lot because I’m nauseous, lightheaded, dizzy, and really fatigued. I have to use the lightest weights and do all the exercises slower. It’s annoying because its such a backtrack from where I was, but hey, at least I’m working out again right? That’s what I have to keep telling myself. -_-.
As for my incision.. its getting better. After it healed all nicely (the last picture that was posted) it decided to hypertrophic on me!! Aka it like tripled in size and raised up! It also got super red! I feel like it happened over night or something. SO upsetting.. I swear I thought I was in the clear and the incision would be so thin, light pink and not very noticeable. Sigh. I also have a lot of scar tissue all over my abomden from the surgery that really is limiting my range of motion. So, I started seeing a chiropractor who do ART (active release technique). Pretty much it means that this technique is used to help break up scar tissue, decrease the pain, and increase the range of motion. (Its used for many other things but that’s what it is used for for me). I have been going twice a week for about 6 weeks now. When I first went, I showed the doctor how far I could lean back and was literally just standing up super straight hahahaha. Now, I can definitely lean back about maybe 30% on a good day? It likes to retract back so fast so i need to continuously stretch it out. THey do/use so many different tools and techiniques to work on it.. but lets just say.. NONE of it feels good. In fact, its pretty uncomfortable lol. I mean its breaking up scar tissue.. why would it feel good? The pain is worth it because not only do I have more range of motion, the pain is definitely less and the scar is actually softer/smoother. I’m no where near close to being done but I’m off to a good start, that’s for sure!
Anywho, I feel like I typed a lot and everything looks like its just being mashed together so I think I’m done for now. Feel free to ask me any questions though! Or/and let me know what other stuff you’re curious about so I can make sure to address it in my next post!
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