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helcria · 1 year

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Body of Years

Summary:

Sayato and his mother Ui have an unlikely reunion during the war.

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“Stupid Itachi, stupid Sasuke, but the worst of them all is stupid fucking idiot Kabuto pushing me away like this!” A wounded Sayato complained, panting from exhaustion and practically shaking. Kabuto had healed him up somewhat from that nasty fight he had against both Yuno and Haine, but it wasn't nearly enough for him to be in any shape to fight at the moment, and Kabuto was up against some admittedly formidable foes- being Sasuke and Itachi Uchiha. Sayato's face was still red and blotchy from crying earlier during his messy mental breakdown during his own aforementioned skirmish against a sibling duo, mirroring Kabuto’s current struggle. But Sayato hadn't even bothered putting up a fight against Haine, being too upset with himself for hurting Yuno as badly as he did.

“I should go back, fuck what Kabuto said otherwise.” Sayato started walking back towards the cave. “'If you fought in your current state, you'd practically be going on a suicide mission' BIG DEAL! Maybe I WANT to fucking die! He acts like he knows soooooooo much better than me!” Sayato put on a mocking tone trying to imitate Kabuto's voice (poorly) and shoving off Kabuto's concern for him.

“Sayato?” A woman's voice shouted from a distance. “Sayato! Don't run away this time!” It was Ui Mochizuki- Sayato's mother, who had unfortunately been brought back via the Edo Tensei. She was still too far off to hear Sayato's self-loathing (and well, everyone-else-loathing too technically) dialogue, but she could still spot her baby boy from practically a mile away. He wanted to run again. He wasn't ready to face her after everything he had been through, a stark contrast from years before when he had literally kidnapped a kid just for the chance to talk with her again. And yet, here he was, not running. Might as well torch any possible positive image she had of her boy, he thought. A terse “Mom…” Was all he could manage to muster up in response to seeing her again, and stopped in place so she could catch up to him.

She ran up and immediately hugged Sayato. “I missed you so so much… I know that snake-y guy told me to stay away from you but I couldn't help myself, I just wanted to see my boy.” She pulled away from him, finally getting a look at Sayato's face. “Have you been crying?” “Have you been crying?”She asked, immediately wanting to soothe him. Sure, he's very much a grown man now, but that doesn't matter to a mother. He is and always will be her baby boy.

“Earlier. It's a long and messy story. I'm sorry I'm not in the most presentable state to actually get to see you again after all these years mom…” Sayato mustered up an apology, trying to avoid delving into his trainwreck of a life.

“You don't need to apologize, just stay with me and don't run off again, okay? I don't care how you look but I've missed out on over a decade's worth of events in your life and while I'm here I really don't want to miss out on anymore.” Sayato nodded in response to her.

“So, now that I know you're not gonna take off again, do you wanna tell your mom what's been troubling you?”

“I fucked up big time, mom.” Sayato said. “In fact, it's all I practically know how to do. My LIFE has been nothing but trouble, one disaster after the next.” Usually, he hates the idea of being anywhere near this vulnerable to anyone else, but with his mom, it was different.

“Elaborate on that one for me? Are we talking fuck ups like 'I left the pasta in the oven for too long'? Or are we more on terms of like, 'oops, I made some classmates fail the chunin exam because we mixed up our Earth and Heaven scrolls and they weren't able to get the one they needed in time and I feel super guilty about it' level fuck up?” Ui said, being a little too overtly specific on the latter scenario.

“Well… to start things off, I murdered the other two kids in squad when I was young. So maybe just a little bit more serious than either of your scenarios.”

Ui frowned. “Did you have a reason for that…?”

“Some Kiri-nin were gonna kill me, I made a lucky guess they were part of that Bloody Mist stuff and suggested the idea of killing them to try and buy some time for them to escape but things didn't turn out exactly as planned. Those kids were awful to me, and yet I still feel guilty over their murders- but not enough to have told anyone else the truth besides a friend who disappeared on some revenge quest to kill them. She succeeded, but still hasn't come back home after. Not even my boyfrie- I mean, Kabuto, that snake asshole you mentioned earlier, knows the truth. I assume he thinks I outright cold-blooded murdered them, but he knows better than to bring it up with me. Do you still love your murderer of a son?”

The redhead needed a second to absorb all the information Sayato was telling her and then answered his question, posing a question of her own in turn. “Depends. Do you still love your murderer of a mother?”

“Murderer of a mother?”

“Well, I killed an old rival of mine in this war. And I can't say I feel particularly bad about it.”

“Yeah, but you're under the control of a jutsu! You don't have a choice regardless!”… Sayato said, still not realizing Ui's point.

“And you were coerced into yours, soooo… I'd say if your crime makes you bad, then we can just be an evil mother/son duo!” Ui said in a chipper tone, which was oddly jarring given the context of the conversation, but nonetheless it felt like a little bit of weight off Sayato’s shoulders. “Anything else you need to get off your chest?”

“Maybe a little too much, mom. But I don't wanna go on about my life. Don't need to spill all those dirty secrets. There's a lot I wanna ask you. Things I never got the chance to and won't get to again.”

“I'll answer whatever you throw at me. Unless it's something super weird.”

“How did you and dad get together?”

“Well…” Ui began in, elaborating on the intricate lore between her and Shohei's eventual union and all the other juicy bits that went along with it like her rivalry with her recently deceased foe, Meguri, or all the hassle they went through thanks to Sayato's grandpa Kohaku. Sayato gained a better understanding of his mom through everything and can see how much like her he was.

“Is there anything you regret?” Sayato asked her after hearing the tale. “Anything that you'd want to do over again?”

“My biggest regret is not being around longer for you. That's the one thing more than anything else I wish I could fix. I wanted to prove a point that, what, I could contribute to some military force? That I wasn't just another kunoichi-to-housewife statistic and could keep up a career and childrearing simultaneously?”

“I admired that about you though, mom. Your shinobi career might have felt pointless, but the spite you had to keep going when others doubted you is something I wanted to emulate so badly.”

“You really do take after me, don't you? Well, try not to emulate me too much. You’ve already been through so much in this war, try not to get into any more fights unless it’s something you strongly believe in, okay? For me?” Ui playfully ruffled Sayato’s hair before noticing something was off. Her cracked, broken skin was starting to fade away. “Huh…”

“…The Edo Tensei. It got undone… So they haven't killed Kabuto yet.” Sayato felt a bit of relief, even if it was drowning otherwise in a sea of uncertainty. “Mom, I’m sorry I couldn’t have gotten over myself sooner and spent more time with you. I don’t want you to go yet!” Sayato was then promptly pulled into a hug with his mother once more.

“It’s okay, I understand it was hard for you to see me again. The fact I got this much time with you was more than I could’ve asked for. No matter what happens next, just know I’m behind you no matter what you end up doing. You’ve been through so much, and deserved better, and I’m proud of you for thriving through it all regardless. I love you Sayato, always and forever.”

“I love you too mom…” And just like that, Ui’s form vanished and she was gone from the land of the living once again. Sayato sniffled and wiped the tears from his eyes, making his way back to the miserable cave, with God knows what awaiting his arrival there.

The sight he saw was not a pretty one though. Itachi was gone, predictably, but there was Sasuke, Jugo, Suigetsu, Anko still passed out on the ground, Kabuto, standing upright but his eyes were closed and… Orochimaru?!

“What the fuck is going on here?” Sayato asked. “Why is HE here? What happened to Kabuto?” Going from losing his mom, to not knowing what’s up with Kabuto, to having to see his manipulative ex again as well, but he was resolved not to have another embarrassing breakdown like he did earlier.

“Aw jeez… Looks like we’re gonna have to catch Kabuto’s little boyfriend up on everything, huh?” Suigetsu said, before Jugo cut in to explain the situation thus far to Sayato.

“Well, you guys go ahead and do whatever you’ve got to do. I’m not tagging along for this one. I’ll be here until Kabuto comes to. Whenever that is.”

“Whatever.” Sasuke shrugged him off, as if in a manner of ‘you weren’t really invited in the first place’ before heading out of the cave. Jugo and Suigetsu followed behind, with Orochimaru sauntering towards him as if to say something before following the others too.

“Whatever it is you’re going to say, I don’t wanna hear it. You’ve done enough damage to everyone here.” Sayato said, glaring at Orochimaru. “By the way, I hope you know that when we were together, I was sleeping with Kabuto too.”

Orochimaru smirked at Sayato’s comments towards him. “My, your feelings have changed from the last time we’ve properly gotten to see each other, haven’t they?”

“Drop dead.”

“Congratulations on your new-found spine, are you going to use that on Kabuto when he comes to or are you going to roll over and fall victim to his manipulations again like you did mine and repeat the patterns you’ve been through before once more?”

“I said I didn’t want to hear anything you said!” Sayato threw a kunai in Orochimaru’s direction, but he dodged it.

“Stop antagonizing him, I thought you were supposed to be coming with us.” Sasuke stepped in to break off the fighting.

“My apologies, Sasuke.” Orochimaru said, everyone in the cave knowing damn well that sorry was the last thing the snake was.

The group soon left after that, leaving just Sayato to himself (at least, as the only conscious person within the cave), to wait there until Kabuto had broken out of the Izanami.

#sayato #ui #fic #i am too embarrassed to post this on main #good thing i have this side blog lol

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damagecompiilation · 3 years

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tag dump - tv muses pt2

#;out of worlds #;do you know what it takes to be able to look like this... to be able to look normal? it takes power. (interactions - jennifer)#;look like the innocent flower but be the serpent underneath it. (character study - jennifer)#;you have to show them you can get back up. leaders don't run. (interactions - scott)#;life can't ever be all bad or all good. eventually things have to come back to the middle. (character study - scott)#;i’m 147 pounds of pale skin and fragile bones. sarcasm is my only defense! (interactions - stiles)#;some of us have to get our hands a little bloody sometimes. some of us are human! (character study - stiles)#;i'm just like you - one of the experiments (interactions - zach)#;doesn't it make you wonder what the success is going to look like? (character study - zach)#;i tried finding my happiness the right way. but i got desperate. (interactions - henry)#;in this realm stories are written in blood and tears. (character study - henry)#;there's one final twist... i am not the monster you need to worry about. (interactions - hyde)#;everyone sees their worst self differently. some as a mirror image others as a literal monster. (character study - hyde)#;when there's something i want... i'm good at tracking it down. (interactions - ruby)#;i sort of found someone in myself that was more than i expected. (character study - ruby)#;i'm not afraid to kill. i'm just... afraid. (interactions - lizzie)#;sometimes we have to kill them. but sometimes we don't (character study - lizzie)#;they weren't human. they were monsters. (interactions - kit)#;there is no god. not a god who would create the things i saw. (character study - kit)

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r0zez-in-bl00m · 3 years

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~ 𝓒𝓻𝓾𝓮𝓵 𝓽𝓸 𝓫𝓮 𝓴𝓲𝓷𝓭 ~

Looking more like a boy

🍎 Epel x fem!reader (fluff) WORD COUNT : : 1.5k

Description- Epel loves his beloved very much, even though they look more manly than him. But what happens when he tries to become more manly himself?

Epel loved (y/n) more than anything he ever had loved before, not only him but his lover knew that too. The whole Pomefiore dorm did, Vil was very happy to see them together though he would comment on one flaw every time this topic was brought up in his presence.

Only one thing's wrong in their wild relationship, is the perplexity of finding out which one of them is a boy or a girl. God, (y/n) always had to assure him that not to get so overboard on these pathetic matters, but that guy wouldn't have it. Epel gets so angry when someone confuses him with a girl while he's somewhat embarrassed that his girlfriend was so strongly built.

Even Mr. Vargas sometimes gave an example of her to teach the students to build muscles, Vargas rarely compliments someone else other than his egocentric self on the concept of muscles. But (y/n) begs to differ on that matter. "Mr. Vargas is more female following, I guess."

Insecurity is highly available in the love market. Epel dragged, literally dragged, away (y/n) when some delinquent/ jock randomly flipped his arm on her during Magift practice. Be prepared for a long lecture in a very cute voice by the little apple, pun intended. Expecting a change in accent when he started talking was crucial.

"Why?! Out of all people . . ." "Ain't I enough for ya?! You don't like me because I ain't muscular?"

Then there were coddling moments, (y/n) crushed Epel into a hug," God, my idiot boyfriend . . . if I liked muscular guys would I go out with you in the first place?"

The girl teased him a lot though for his switch in accent. "You sound like a little lion sometimes. . . Kingscholar would be jealous." The apple boy blushed a lot with (y/n) whispering in his ear or touching his face.

To match her girlfriend in every way Epel tries a little too much than expected.

One day while experimenting in the laboratory along with Jack Howl for their assessment Epel was multi-tasking with another book hidden under his desk and reading the book which was based on magical pharmaceuticals for the second-year level.

By chance, Jack spotted the book and scolded him for cheating. Immediately Epel got a switch in his persona and was bomb-barding over the 192cm wolf with his southern comments while spilling his beans at the moment.

"You're trying to make a potion that will make you more muscular?" Jack muttered in disbelief, he couldn't fathom at first that why would a cute Pomefiore require such a potion in the first place.

Epel, being Epel, switched to his regular façade in an instant and was stammering like mad as a hatter. "Oh, !-! I-it's just . . . so t-that I can look a b-bit . . . more masculine... f-for her." It wasn't hidden from anyone that (y/n) (l/n) and Epel were dating but Jack never expected him to go this far to read and understand a high-level medicine book. Jack merely scratched his head, confused about what to say next, "I think Vil-Senpai once told me that taking a body development potion can cause a lot of strain to the body as well as the mind. . ." Epel had his head down, pressed against the desk, "I know that! It's just it's kinda weird that (y/n) looks more like a man than me."

Feeling like a good puppy that Jack is he decided to help Epel with the potion considering that it was of vast complexity (and we know that our Tsundere puppy would never admit that he is doing this by heart lol).

All afternoon Jack and Epel spent their time researching and putting all sorts of herbs and potions into the cauldron. "Epel, focus closely on how the color changes. We don't want to create trouble for ourselves." Jack instructed while putting another herb as designated in the book. Epel nodded," Understood."

Slowly the color started to fade into a vicious color of red, thick and rich. Jack and Epel both peered down to take a closer look. As the book said it would be welcoming at first glance yet the trick of the potion was to figure out which part was truthful. It hadn't yet been figured out that when was it best to consume the potion. Many theories were concocted for its usage; 'drink it when it turns out a bit bluish', 'it'll smell like rotten eggs at first,' 'don't drink if it's still milk-white,' such and such.

"How will we figure out that the potion is drinkable yet-"Jack said, he turned his head only to be at the verge of losing it. Epel was already gorging on the drink, the liquid falling on the floor at each gulp. "E-Epel?! What are you d-doing?" But by then it was already too late.

The potion was all gone and all was left was to see if their hard work bore any fruit. Laughter broke out a minute later. "Jack!! I can feel the power surging in me . . . . God, it's amazing!" Jack was baffled, then knowing that everything was alright smirked a little at their success. But then something struck him, Isn't potion supposed to make him taller? Then why is he shrinking...

His realization was as late as ever. A poof of purple smoke surrounded Epel and within the blink of an eye . . . vóila! The apple had turned into a cat; A pretty cute one to be exact.

His eyes were big with their same blue irises and were staring adoringly/in confusion at Jack. "Meow?" Jack took it as 'what the hell happened?' As much as he wanted to lecture Epel the Cat, he couldn't. Stan cuteness.

Jack cursed the time he decided to be a good puppy and help Epel out, now he was in big trouble than anyone could anticipate. The terrifying image of (y/n) wrathful face started to haunt him, he was sure that Epel had the same thoughts. With swift arms Epel was under Jack's protection, they both headed towards the hall of mirrors to the Pomefiore dorm.

But but but . . . the goddess of fate had taken a little vacation. In their hurried state they were spotted by the person they both least wanted to see right now.

"Hey, Jack!!!"

"Goddamn it!!" Jack muttered angrily, this couldn't have been the worst time to be killed right now. (y/n) approached him at an unprecedented speed Jack could've reciprocated. He was done for. "What up bro—oh who's this?" (y/n) gazed at Epel with the same affection she would give him when he, you know, is not busy as a cat.

The girl patted the cat's head, "Is this your pet, Jack?" (y/n) asked. His face flushed red at that question alone, so did Epel's, but in this case, it was his snout. "Uh . . . no . . . (y/n). It's not my pet. . ." Jack stammered, and hard. That day was no good for him. "It's not yours? Then maybe Ruggie's? I've seen him quite getting along with Lucius," the never-ending string of cat-related questions continued with Jack stammering like a fool and Epel losing his shit.

Finally, in anger, he leaped in (y/n)'s arms. The girl was taken back a bit but materialized because of Epel's soft purring. "It's strange. . . Epel does the same when he's having a rough time. Burying his face in my arms then falling asleep," (y/n) laughed. "Which reminds me . . . have you seen him anywhere?"

Be prepared to see a dying Jack any minute.

A guy, then, approached the group in a hurry, "(y/n)! Vice prez of Octavinelle is looking for you."

While being dragged away (y/n) called out to tell her if he gets to know anything about Epel do let her know. God bless the anonymous dude who unintentionally saved Jack Howl from being slaughtered. Epel looked relieved too, that and a little triumphant purr.

Then their venture towards Pomefiore continued. Upon reaching everyone in that glittering dorm showered Epel the Cat with love which was already less required but was, later on, were saved by Vil Schoenheit.

Jack ushered Vil into a corner with Epel still secured in his arms and narrated the story from top to bottom.

"YOU WHAT?!" Nobody could understand why their simply composed dorm leader lost his cool all of a sudden.

Vil already made plans to clear out his afternoon to lecture Jack and Epel thoroughly tomorrow for causing this blunder, but Epel Felmier had to be saved. That night Jack again spent his entire time looking through the potions book with Vil brewing the antidote. Never in his life, Jack went through so much Alchemy and he swore that whatever happened next he wouldn't touch a single Alchemy book (unless it's a test then we can't sue the wolf).

But one thing was final that he was going to do something lurid to Epel as soon as he gets back to normal, or he isn't Savnnaclaw.

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#ツイステッドワンダーランド #twisted wonderland #twst epel #epel felmier #pomefiore #jack howl #vil schoenheit #twst fluff #disney #cruel to be kind #twst first years #female reader #twst imagines #twst oneshot

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tsuna-sora · 3 years

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Hi, yes hello. Good day all my gender and none gender darlings <3 This is gonna be a long winded salt post about the current state of mlb and the fandom and if that’s not for you feel free to skip this post as you please dear. I want your comfort as a priority and you do you. And for people who disagree with me I’ll kindly ask you not to engage on this post please keep scrolling and don’t let me have any bearings on your day. I will not interact to dispute this post cause I’m kinda tired of stuff if that’s alright with you. Love you. OKAY. *breaths* As someone who when it comes to Miraculous Ladybug fanfiction only goes into the Adrienette tag and never got the urge to see other ships in fics ever since the start of this show till now, I can safely say that I am indeed an Adrienette shipper.... yah know EXCEPT FOR CURRENT CANON. Because, this may shock everyone who likes this ship, the relationship they have in fanfiction and canon is not the same thing anymore. This series canon writing has been atrocious since the start of S3 (if not the middle of S2 where I could notice things were in the start of going in a weird /later confirmed bad/ direction)

So this is just a thing I wanted to say, hey like could y'all kindly not deliberately go into tags of your notp’s and harass shippers in their own tags/blogs? Cause that’s like, not raaad my dude. \(uwu)/ And tag stuff accordingly if you disagree? Please and thank you for being an amazing human being? And be polite if you wanna debate them? And if your not sure the poster is open to it please first ask/check with them for consent for that debate? :3c

Also can we like not dismiss someone’s extremely valid points and logical points that they wrote/pointed out as flaws and/or good points and well written parts just because *le gasp* they ship Adrienette or Lukanette and/or Adrigami instead of what you ship or is endgame in canon! Blasphemy!

Okay now for the serious note, Marinette is always punished for shit she didn’t do to the point her embarrassment and distress in Truth made me cry and have an attack that later made me finally quit the show. (if you want to see that distress post it’s here) One of my bff’s who writes Adrienette fics on AO3 also hates the writing and destruction of characters in this entire show at this point and agrees that the writing for the characters has been shit, Marinette is both a great person and then suddenly a freak for plot reasons, Adrien is a saint except he literally is not and him not learning lessons is the worst representation and image for young boys ever, every single character has been distorted to fit plot instead of providing it, but they keep watching for lore for their fic and have been explaining to me what happened since then. So yes I know about Lies through them and osmosis of bloggers I follow. And some of them holy molly are Lukanette or Adrigami and even Marigami blogs because that doesn’t matter to me one fucking bit because they’re freakin’ darlings of people who tag stuff properly and aren’t rude to others or have ever been rude to me and the points they make are valid. Just as I also follow a lot of dedicated Adrienette only blogs and in fact what all of these have in common is that when I interact with them or ask stuff they all have been nothing but fluffy bunnies I wanna kidnap into my home.

Just as some other people have also pointed all these things out even tho they are also Adrienette shippers.

( Tipo EU, e outras pessoas muito giras que só shipam Adrienette )

Who have been silenced by the other majority. If you don’t agree with me that’s FINE. That’s why I put that first part of the post informing you that if you read this till this point I don’t want to debate out my experience of Miraculous if it doesn’t mirror yours. And you don’t see the same things I did. That’s okay my dude. :c

IT’S FINE I LOVE YOU ANYWAY AND I WANT YOU HAPPY.

MY POINT IS *deep breaths* someone being a Lukanette shipper saying that Truth is a bad episode and presenting reasons outside their ship for it is valid. An Adrigami shipper pointing out that Lies is badly written and posting logical points that have nothing to do with the ship is valid.

You know what’s not valid?

Dismissing someone’s argument cause you went into their blog and noticed they shipped a certain ship even tho their debate/post had no ships involved as points of argument to begin with and then decided to harass/dismiss them and their post directly at them.

Guys we need to be kinder to each other. We need to respect each other. We need to understand that some people only like the shipping in a show. Some people only like to discuss writing of shows. Some people like to salt, others not at all. Some post things as an outlet not wanting different interaction/debate, others do want people to discuss and debate. ALL OF THIS IS GREAT AND FINE. BUT WE NEED TO RESPECT AND BE KIND TO EACH OTHER.

I have not been a perfect example of this and I am a mature person who can admit this. So if I unintentionally did this to you? I’m sorry. I will hear the person speaking to me and check myself and correct my behavior for next time. And so can you because I believe you are a good person.

I had proof of this very recently where me and someone else had a misunderstanding within a post and we ended up talking and we cleared up stuff. Turns out that person did not want to make me feel bad at all. We just had a case of me being a none English speaker and not being able to make my entire point super cohesive and them getting a wrong idea and it snowballing from there.

Which is also something I wanna point out. Please don’t forget that some people aren’t native English speakers and may not be able to explain themselves fully to you or cohesive enough. Be patient and before you think they are debating something without pointing out this thing or x forgot to point out something in their post ask them about it politely if they have an opinion on it or if maybe they forgot to mention? Jesus where am I going with this post at this point. Okay what I want everyone to take away from this is that we shouldn’t be fighting each other. We shouldn’t be dismissing and harassing each other. You know what we should be doing? Beating up Thomas Austruc and his writing team with sticks and DEMANDING BETTER WRITING FOR THIS SHOW AND ALL OUR SHIPS BE THEY CANON OR NOT ALL OF US TOGETHER---- Okay pitch fork revolution idea aside I just wanted to stop people from using a ship as a means to hurt each other. We all liked or still like MLB and I want us to be above this stuff. I believe in us cause I’m a stupid shounen protag whose hopes die last when it comes to people. I love you all okay? I seriously do. I’ve had a lot of fun when it comes to the fandom of MLB. I love seeing people post cute art of my ship. I love seeing cute art of Lukanette, I love seeing cute art of Adrigami and Nino and Alya, and Nino or Adrien and JuleRose. I love the gifs, the salt, the cute content, the mostly lore debated stuff etc. I LOVE IT ALL. And I’m not giving up on us. And I bet 100% that you aren’t either you stupidly beautiful human being. *kisses your cheek with your consent* This has been again a very rare self post. And I bid you all goodnight.

#miraculous ladybug #Miraculous: Tales of Ladybug and Cat Noir #ml salt #ml positivity #personal post #All ships are valid #I love you #I believe in this fandom #We will get there #Don't let others dictate how you feel about this show and that includes myself #I have no idea what to tag and it's very obvious #Can yall tell this was written very poorly thought out cause my brain is fried?

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maiuoart · 4 years

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The Creator & Destroyer; Craft the Artist | Screech the Corruption

Their full stories are under the cut! Super long, thats why! They come with Original Backgrounds; Their not siblings at all, but they do become the Creator and Destroyer in their own ways!

Enjoy Craft & Screech!

Craft;

UnderSwap Papyrus Honey Ink

Fun Facts; - What keeps Craft going now is his Father’s Pipe and Pen; The memory of his father and how his positivity helped kept him going through his difficult times is keeping him going now. He becomes very hyperactive and more than a positive source after the whole incident; He personally tries to Follow In His Father's Positive Footsteps. - Pen is his Magical tool, his Pipe is how he gains his feelings. - Calligraphy Pen; Can use it to cut things/becomes a weapon if needed. Prefers not to, only to stab F4′s Creature; Alt when he needs a refill in his vials. - Vials are Ink. - Dries the Ink and smokes it when need a boost in his emotions; When he removes his gloves, his pinkies are stained with rainbow ink. - He has a Soul, but it’s so Shriveled up and tiny; It’s practically non-existent. - Freaks out if his vials are close to empty; Never wants to be numb again. - Calls his invisible ink; Camo Ink - Can be a huge Memelord. - Calm, sensible, but enjoys jokes of any kind. - Favorite color; Yellow & Purple - His Sketchbook is called ‘Echo Book’; But in private he calls it his ‘SOUL Book’ - When he has an idea and doesn’t wanna pull out his book, he’ll write on his sleeve. His magic ink will pull it from his sleeves and organize it into his book for later. - Has a decent memory unless his vials are low. When low, he becomes very apathetic to everyone and everything. When the vials are empty, he becomes a literal walking husk and desires a quiet place to stay hidden. Actively tries not to do this; Finding F4 to refill his vials.

Story Points; - Came from an AU where he was constantly taken advantage of; Others would simply talk his non-existing ears off with problems of their own. They wouldn’t listen to him when he tried to help; Any advice he gave, even if he was right, always went up and over their heads and ignored. When he needed someone to lean on; No one was there for him besides his Father, Professor WD Gaster. - The more Craft saw as his own emotions as being worthless, the more he became blank in his own feelings, becoming just A Piece Of Paper Used To Write Words Down. However, he stayed Hopeful with the help of his Father. - Blue wasn’t even there for him, being one of the worst ones who would use Craft, becoming his source of suppression. Blue was jealous of Craft and Gasters relationship; Became one of the most brattiest types to keep and gain any and all of their Fathers attention on him fully. Crafts Blue was very Selfish. - When Craft and his Father could get an ounce of quality time, they both always had the best of it. Gaster taught Craft so many things as he was a hyperactive, purely positive, the most caring and considerate Father known. Though Gaster still had a lab, he would bring Craft to his Secret Lab and teach him so many things as he could. - Gaster loves both of his sons; But he probably has more of a soft spot for Craft, because he is so similar to himself. Almost a mirror image, but he tries not to pick favorites, but everyone could tell; Especially Blue who tries and gains his attention constantly.

- When his Father disappeared in a freak accident at the Royal Labs, Craft despises the once original Dr. River and is happy that he is going through what he’s going through, demoted to being a simple Ferry Driver. - Craft agrees with everyone that the old Doctor has lost his senses, but how the words he says sometimes does make him curious occasionally. Then, after a few key words said by River person, who Craft has never told anyone but his father; he gets it in his skull that his father is still alive in whatever the accident created, making Craft go into his father's old lab- go into the secret room, that not even Blue knows about, that contains the Machine and tries his damn hardest to work on it. - The Lab contained Gasters prized Pipe and favorite Pen; Craft is quick to take on in his Father’s memory, since no one can remember him. - Craft grew annoyed after a certain ‘Failed’ testing, making him giving up on the machine in general due to so much stress building up and his HoPe fading down to nothing. But, he doesn’t know he was able to put it together right, not even after an accident with the pen that he had accidentally left in the machine at the time. - It causes the Pen to have an ability to help write down his mind, his thoughts and makes them come true. If he doesn’t want people to read them; the ink will turn invisible. However, Craft just thinks he made a very fancy pen… He doesn’t know that it’s the first step to his creativity helping ability. - It takes a while, but once he realizes he does have the ability to help, to create, that his words and stories come true for others; He starts getting a bit of his HoPe back up. He feels like he could help everyone now, change them for the better; Help them open their eyes, desire to make them better people… Though as he tried to bring his Father back; He never could for some odd reason. - But That Goes Opposite. Everyone becomes much more dark, much more bratty, and then Craft is feeling as if he made everything 10x’s worse. He tries to fix it, but it never gets better… So he officially gives up; He lets everyone do what they want to do, and he just sleeps more and more. - Craft became blank in a lot of ways; Didn’t care for others, didn’t have an ounce of emotional matter for his own well being; He was continuously used and when he needed some ounce of those feelings of knowing he could speak and be heard, no one came to his aid, making him dwindle into Depression so much more and quicker than normal. - His brother Blue would start to act as if he did care; That fakeness seemingly helped keep Craft from just dusting... Though it was fake, he decided it was better than nothing, able to stay just barely afloat.

- Once the Kid started to come around, it did spark only curiosity in him like many others. However, fear soon followed when it was apparent the Kid was continuously on a Geno Route. Once Craft realized what Resets were, it seemed to shock something within him... At first, he would be very disturbed; Very confused; His mindset would be ‘How is this possible? Their killing everyone, constantly. How? Why?’ - Slowly, Craft didn’t realize it at the time; But he began to get his HoPe back once more. Craft was becoming almost excited to have the Kid kill everyone after each reset, slowly realizing it was so much more peaceful when no one was around. - When the Kid found out they couldn’t change Craft’s personality at all, no matter what they did; They began to leave him alone, especially… Craft began to watch his own world die each and every time from safety points; It drove him absolutely insane. - Craft began to crave that loneliness; Becoming a disease that plagued his thoughts, perhaps sometimes leading his ‘Family’, ‘Friends’, and those he barely knew quicker to their doomed fate once he realized no one knew of the Resets. This caused his Soul to shrivel from the insane amount of disgusting and disturbing Hope of Insanity; Causing it to become black with hatred of his own kind, desiring to be alone quicker after each reset. - As the Kid began to grow bored; They warned Craft it would be their last time coming around after they left him completely alone. And though the Psycho killer was trying to get him fearful; Craft instead Thanked Them Instead when the deed was done and actually walked away from their path to let them pass to ‘Exit the game’.

- From there, Craft was left alone in his AU. He was left there to ‘Perish’, as the Kid said. But instead, Craft wrote. Wrote stories, wrote idea’s, just kept letting his creativity flow and free his mind; Let himself finally fill the ‘Blanks’ he was left to be for years. He wrote about his past, but then he began to think about other worlds… If there were different places, if things would have been different in some other universes… - During him being lost in his mindset, the ink he was using was then accidentally knocked off and created a black spot…. He cursed, went to go pick up the bottle, but instead was grabbed and yanked by an unknown force where he then entered the Void. - There, he slowly began to realize what his powers could actually do; Making his way to becoming Craft; An US!Paps Creator.

- Though when he first runs out of his Ink; He goes on mindlessly in the Void. He is basically a husk of who he once was, but he just sees everything as worthless. He only has Black Ink to use, but in order to get that he has to pierce his own Soul to drain it out. The thought of why he would need it at all leaves him, however. Art Block, Writing Block, his own creativity dwindles down into almost nothing until he finds another Alternate Self; Screech. - The two fight for a while due to Screech’s own personality clashing with Crafts. Craft is able to use the ink in his Soul, able to practically defeat Screech in their first battle. - However, their battle causes another Alternate Self to arrive; F4, with his Parasite Alt, who get in the middle of things on accident and causes Craft to realize he can refill his Vial of Inks with the use of F4′s Parasite. - This settles everything back down, all three not becoming friends, not even Allies, but just on the title of; “We can’t kill each other, we cannot die, no matter how hard we try. So, we’ll just... Be acquaintances.” - Once he gets his mind back; Craft realize just how awful that is to want his family and friends gone. He wants to try and help others connect more because of it, so they don't end up so distant like he did.

Point of his Creation; To help people never become distant like he had. It’s not fun, it’s toxic, and help them enjoy their lives more with the connections they make in the creations they desire to form.

Screech;

UnderSwap Papyrus Stretch Error

Fun Facts; - Screech is the Geek/Nerd to the extreme; Loves the Comics of all kinds for heroes and villains alike. Loves the Marvel and DC things and WILL NERD OUT IF SOMEONE GETS THEM WRONG. - His faves are Dr. Strange, Loki, and Spiderman. - He learns a lot of his tricks from the Comics he reads. - Likes to make a port, steals a regular Stretches Tea, Honey, Cigarettes, & more CONSTANTLY. Enjoys watching the aftermath, laughing. - Full blown trickster and absolute asshole. - Is a hoarder; Collects mainly comics and electronics. - Has a broken Roomba that goes around his area but instead of cleaning up the crumbs or anything, it literally eats everything Screech cares for; Like his comic collection. Has a love/hate relationship with the item, it’s literally like a pet; Doesn’t have it in him to get rid of it despite constantly threatening to destroy it. Roomba’s name is Scruffy. - His threads are hard and tough, each ending in individual Needles. - Enjoys ruining things; ANYTHING. Relationships, items, people, monsters, Souls; Whatever he can get his hands on. - Does enjoy to do Needle Felting; Makes large, life size, wool dolls of those he either enjoys or hates. The ones who he hates he tends to get very psycho killer on; Practicing the perfect ways to destroy them when he can get the idea to... Those he enjoys are mainly those in his past; Trying to recreate his own world to keep his own Hope alive. - Has his brothers Bandana on him at all times and one of his Armor pieces in his domain for remembrance with the last note his brother had ever written to him. - Made like a large wool doll that looks like his brother; He'll animate it, make it act like his Brother is talking to him, has it clean up his mess and 'Lecture' him like old times. Has it to where his Brother is constantly asking him if he's found a way to help them yet.

Story Points; - His AU is unknown how it started to disappear, but he remembers his world was filled with the best kinds of people. Though he was more of the asshole, he was still fair when it counted. Still the ever loving jokester in his area, but way more tame than what he became after the destruction of his world.

- As the AU was beginning to crumble; It started with the monsters and at first he thought it was a trick against him as they were beginning to have 'Attitude' problems. However, the real issue is mainly that the personalities switched to Fell types, Swap types, and even Horror types; Hinting that there are multi AU's, especially when the ‘Plague’ starts draining colors from the world, tearing away slowly at the world. - Codes began to form that only Screech could see, then slowly turned to becoming Corrupted, getting to the point Screech felt himself getting affected by these odd codes and the Corruption labeling everyone and everything. - Something happened to the point Corrupted Files made his friends and loved ones turn against him; The whole time he thinks they did it just to spite him. Screech instantly begins to dwindle down into his own depression with questions constantly attacking his mind; ‘Was it due to all the tricks he’s done? A prank too many? Did he judge a SOUL wrong? Did he do something so wrong they couldn’t forgive him?!’ He didn't know; And still doesn't to the point in time because the ‘Reason Why’ is utterly glitched to the point not even HE can figure it out. - As time moved on, Screech realized only he could see what was happening to his world, he began to desperately try and help out. Each time Screech tried to get them back to normal, it just made it so much worse however. His frustrations began to grow time and time again, his patients reaching its limits. He would be able to see into other AU’s, causing him to look at his own world and slowly think if that was really his; Doubting in his own ability, doubting on who was who, doubting if it was even worth it to fix his world. - When Screech took a moment to try and relax, to calm himself down from yet another failed ability to help try and ‘Fix’ what everyone couldn’t see, his brother tried to comfort him as best he could until he Glitched-out during it, reappearing and causing Screech to SNAP. He's so fed up and insane with grief, with fear at this point, he blinds himself with basically saying that; “this isn’t my world! you’re not my brother! no one here is here! i’ll restart it... no, do one better! I’LL DELETE IT! delete the Corrupted Files!” - In his fit of Rage; He manages to successfully delete all the Corrupted Files... Besides the world of his AU which just seems to be as a stand still. Everyone is gone; Time no longer moves; It is a slowly forgotten time area... But still His Area. Even though he could have stayed in there, tried to see what went wrong, study it with the new sense of time freeze; He instead made an accidental portal and that is what brought him to Craft. -In his fury of still desiring to destroy; Screech and Craft get into a battle, the two finding out more and more about the other. Their personalities crashed, something in Screech’s teasings and annoyance ways triggering Craft to become more aggressive.

- Refuses to realize he had Destroyed his own world in a fit of Rage; Is trying to constantly find a way to actually gain it back in his insanity. Heard somewhere about a thing called a full [RESTORE]; And is constantly on the lookout for it. Believes it is his key to gain his home AU back, but never believes in anyones words. -Is so disgusted with other people's happiness, he tries to cause havoc and destroy the connections. His mindset is; “if i can’t have my happiness, then how come others do?! I’ll show ‘em what it’s like... to be in pain like me! their pain will bring me my own joy!” -In his twisted mind, he slowly began to enjoy to Destroy. He enjoys it to the point it makes him giddy as anything! The only one who can stop him is Craft. Point of his creation; - There needs to be a Destroyer if there is a Creator... His Insanity roots from those who constantly tried to fix something, but each time failed. When your ‘Good’ enough is not ‘Good’ enough, it can damage one to the point of this level... And when it involves your own family and friends? It tends to make someone just lose their whole shit. - Legit just think of him as an IT guy who table flipped a whole desktop, taking a hammer to the computer and destroying it to no end... Yet thinks its still salvageable afterwards when it’s really not and goes even deeper in insanity trying to fix it.

Craft and Screech’s Relationship to one another;

Craft sees Screech as one of those people in his own timeline; Someone who desires attention and similar to his Selfish Blue brother. Doesn’t really desire to be around him, but will put up with him if he tries to disconnect anything or anyone.

Screech sees Craft similar to his own Selfless Blue brother; Actually holds a small amount of respect but is more or less jealous of him. Hates the fact he creates and could cause something similar to Corruptions, which he tries desperately to halt and erase.

Screech is a brat and due to his Drama maker ways, reminding Craft of his brother. Due to that unnecessary annoyance Screech likes to cause, Craft actually avoids Screech like the plague when he can. However, Screech can see through Craft easily and try to bring him back down to being almost dusted again; Just because it would be one of his major goals to destroy THE Creator. If Craft can’t get away from Screech, he simply blocks out everything Screech is saying. Craft may listen to key words here and there, but mainly it’s a relationship of a Big Calm Brother to a Younger Bratty Attention Desiring Brother.

When Craft and Screech begin to get to know what happened to the others timeline, Craft can see that Screech actually loved everyone in his own timeline when he comes to visit for random sakes with the world and the dolls he makes to fill in his own void. Craf can see he was ripped away from it all without him wanting it to be like Craft did for his own timeline, so he begins to leave treats or gifts to try and help Screech cope in his own way. Craft doesn’t actually know what to say to the damn guy cause he's so scared of being torn down again like he was with his brother, but he still tries to leave and help Screech when he can because he can see under all that Insanity, he still once cared.

Screech chases after Craft for attention because he knows he’s the only one would could deal with him and without realizing it; See’s Craft as someone similar to himself. A sense of Kinship is formed between the two, despite them fighting like cats and dogs.

Just a game of cat and mouse basically, where they try to comfort each other but then push each other away at the wrong time. It can be a fun ordeal, but their relationship becomes close to family once more.

#Craft #Screech #The Creator #The Destroyer #MaiuoART #MyArt #Headcanon #They may come from two different worlds #But they still compliment each other perfectly #I love these two #Enjoy!!!#I thank my Discord for this; They wouldn't be here without them ��#WARNING; ANGST AS HELL STORIES #But trust me; These guys will all find what they all lost #They make a Family #I love it

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artistrashofmine · 3 years

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If you’re interested in some Bakugou and Aizawa bonding, and some pain, I got this for you! Though be warned- manga spoilers, specifically of chapter 298. AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29136795 Rated: Teen and Up W/C: 4200

Katsuki Bakugou was strong. He had a strong quirk, he had a strong body, strong enough to handle his quirk, strong enough for the strict training he put himself through. Stronger than explosions, that’s what he liked to say; a body to withstand an atomic bomb. He had yet to test his body on any other explosion but his own, still, his own were legit explosions and he was the center of them, where nearly anyone else would be burned to a crisp. His body could withstand boiling water, it could withstand Todoroki’s fire. It was strong.

He was often told of how strong he was, strong and handsome. The last one made him uncomfortable - not that he’d admit to it. Since his parents were both involved in the fashion injury, of course, their ‘cute’ kid was going to gain attention. He was a spitting image of his mother in a male body. A well taken care of body. So he liked to cover up loose clothing so they couldn’t see. So they couldn’t compliment it. It was fucking a weird reason but it made him feel more normal. It wasn’t his body people were supposed to be praising. It was his potential as a hero, his quirk, his strength. His body was proof of how hard he worked, but it never felt like people saw it as such.

They saw a pretty body. He knew it wasn’t the work he went through that people thought of when they looked at a person’s body. He knew they looked at how clear his skin was, how slim his waist was, what he was wearing that day, how it could complement his body, how cute he was as a kid, how straight his teeth were. That wasn’t what Katsuki wanted, that was far from what he wanted. Luckily he had his quirk, a flashy quirk. People liked flashy quirks, it could gain just as much attention as his body. And from there came his strength. He drew their attention to his quirk, to his loud self, personality and all.

They couldn’t think of him as cute, or soft or attractive with a personality like his. It wasn’t enjoyable, and the only two things that could outshine a body was a quirk and personality. Katsuki’s quirk was flashy and his personality was shit. And that’s what drew their attention. From the shitty extras in middle-school to the shitty sidekicks during the sludge villain to the shitty press during the Sports Festival, to the shitty villains who saw exactly what the shitty press saw; a monster chained down by the pillars of society, a dog that had to be muzzled in order to fit into their shitty world.

His personality was shit, but his determination was everlasting. And his goal? It was to win, for total victory. That’s why he ended up in such shit situations, chained up like a villain on display for all of Japan to see, inspiring the villains to do the same. Inspiring villains who saw that and thought, yeah, he’s one of us. It made Katsuki fucking sick, but really. It was his own doing, wasn’t it?

He was the one who carefully moulded himself into such a character. He made sure to do so, to make himself approachable, to uphold that rough exterior. It helped that most people were annoying, assholes, or simply intrusive as fuck. Therefore, he had no issue with pushing them away. So really, it was all just coming back to bite him in the ass. All the shit he put others through, the shitty fighting his parents had to put up with. The shitty bullying Deku had to. It was karma.

If it was anyone else, they wouldn’t have been put through all this shit. They wouldn’t have gone after IcyHot again because they could stop themselves during the Sport’s Festival. They could think rationally, Katsuki couldn’t. He moved without thinking about the consequences, without thinking properly. Without coming to the idea that hey, maybe going after an unconscious classmate was going a bit too far. Then again, when has Katsuki never gone too far? He always did, and so he was finally paying the price. And it began with the award ceremony, it began with his kidnapping, with failure during the licensing exam.

His first year was full of failures, wasn’t it?

Another one looked at him in the mirror. In the form of a fucking hole.

Well, all it was now is a scar. A fresh scar that took out a part of his stomach apparently. It took a fucking ton of fancy-ass quirks to put it back together, quirks and doctors. He could've been - should've been, dead by now. He should of been dead when it happened yet he charged right back in ready to fucking fight, despite Glasses trying to hold him back. Practically worsening his injuries because he was a fucking idiot who got hurt in the first place. Who couldn’t think his actions through. Instead, he jumped in and “saved” Deku? Then jumped in again thinking he could be the one to save the fucking day. And for what?

To be the first of the two to awaken? For Deku to be beaten to all hell and still unresponsive. He did fuck all. He made himself a liability. Katsuki wondered, if he just stopped, if he didn’t move, if he let Deku take the hit, wouldn’t that mean that Deku would possibly be in a better condition than he already was? That he wouldn’t be able to fight any longer after he took the hit?

Then again, he wasn’t exactly in the best condition to fight anyway, that hit would have only made it worse, and yet Deku wouldn’t have fucking taken a clue and stood down. Not that Katsuki did either. The only difference- Katsuki was fucking useless . He didn’t have All Might’s power, he wasn’t the villain’s target, he wasn’t even the side-wanna-be shitty Todoroki spawn’s target. He was nothing compared to his peers. Fucking nothing. A fucking extra. He did shit all. And it earned him this.

Waking up to an empty room, a large as hell room, two days after the incident. On a machine to help him breathe or something of that matter. All fucked up on pain meds too, that did fuck all to help with the piercing pain in his upper abdomen. Though it did dull the rest quite well. He could hardly feel his fucking arms, they were like pins and needles. Why were they bandaged in the first place? He didn’t know. Even when he overused his quirk, he never had to bandage them up. It was his shoulder that got hit, not his arm, not both his arms. Whatever, they felt fine enough, he could move them and that’s what matters. He could move. He could sit up, he could walk.

He was greeted by the grape asshole, Sero, the guy who can bake and Invisabitch. Which was weird as hell, cause he never interacts with any of them but Soy-Sauce-Face. Didn’t matter, they must have simply been the ones closest to the room at the time he awakened, when the heart monitor started to pick up.

Apparently, according to them, he was about as worse as it got. The doc seemed to think so too as he stressed the importance of staying in the stupid bed. Fucking bullshit. He only had a hole in his stomach…

IcyHot was going through plenty of shit, physical and mentally. Aizawa, he lost his foot, part of his fucking leg. And Deku, Deku hadn’t even woken up. Acting as if Katsuki was the one about to die. He’ll be fixed up fine once he gets some energy back, right? Didn’t matter anyway, he fucking failed. Deserved this shit. Couldn’t even save one damn person. Only fucked himself up and got in the way.

Did all that shit for nothing, to watch Deku die anyway? To see everyone so depressed? To realize how fucking worthless he is at this hero shit? When he’s supposed to be the best. Top of the class, aiming to be the top hero, better than All Might. It was his life goal, so what the hell was he doing here? In this embarrassing condition? It was so stupid.

He hated it.

He hated to look at it.

Even once it had healed over, once quirk magic got to it. Once he was recovered and it was no more than a scar, a deformed piece on his body. Deformed to all hell, still swollen and red.

He looked in the mirror and he hated it.

People used to love Katsuki because he was a cute kid, because he looked like a spitting image of his mother, because he grew to have blemish-free skin, sharp eyes, soft cheeks, a thin waist, strong arms. He knew how people used to look at his body, how they saw it.

He hated that. He hated how people looked at him.

Katsuki had never thought much of his body. He was proud of it for the hard work it took to form his body. From the first time he dislocated his shoulder when using his quirk, to the calluses that formed and the careful way he’d take care of his hands because they were the most important part of him.

To the practice in balance and fighting and flying through the air, everything revolving around how he moved his body, his weight distribution, how fucking tall he was, how he had weaker knees and strong shoulders. How his hearing wasn’t the fucking best but it wasn’t the worst either, not yet.

He never saw his body like everyone else around him did. And he never saw his body like this. It was supposed to be the pride of his accomplishments and hard work, not this. Not a board to pin his failures onto. To showcase them to the world. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. It didn’t matter that his stomach wasn’t fully there, that he’d always have problems with it from now on. It didn’t matter that even Recovery Girl wasn’t enough to fully heal him to 100 percent. He’d deal with it. It wouldn’t get the best of him.

Looking in the mirror, at the monstrosity carved into him, a literal pit in his stomach that is raised, inflamed, scarred skin. It was as if his body, his failure, were laughing at him. Mocking him because he wasn’t able to do a damn thing. Telling him that maybe, just maybe, he wasn’t cut out for this kind of future. That this accident was a sign to find something more suited to an asshole like him.

Katsuki never wanted to spit in his own face as much as he did now. Looking at himself with a sneer so cold that it could rival the ones he sends to Deku. Enough anger in there, enough hatred, that it almost looked like he were his middle school self again, on top of the world, pushing everyone away. Doing as much he could to hurt them, hurt him .

The scar left on his shoulder was nothing compared to it. It was a pain, it was annoying but at least it had a purpose. It messed with his shoulder, and therefore it messed with his arm. Only a little, thank fuck. But still, he’d need to retrain his left, he’d need to take in consideration the uncomfortable sensation of the skin pulling tight, the stiff movements, the twitch he’d sometimes get in his index finger, and the fact that he’d be experiencing the goddamn pins and needles feeling in his left arm more often than his right, even when he didn’t overuse his quirk. The muscle would be strained more often. It was weak. He needed to rebuild it.

It was something he could work towards. He could make up for that failure, he could do something about it. Overcome it. But the pit in his stomach was different. It didn’t hinder his quirk, there wasn’t anything he could do about it. It was a true representation of the failures he couldn’t overcome, the shit he couldn’t redo or take back. It was a reminder of how shitty he truly was. That there was a part of him that would always be messed up. The part of him that was hung out like a feral animal in front of a crowd of millions. Who destroys a whole fucking block because he let some shitty sewer rat get the best of him. Of someone who the villains aimed to recruit. Who they forgot all about afterward. Just as how the school conveniently forgot about the Sports Festival, ignoring the hundreds of articles questioning UA’s decision on allowing such a troublesome human to attend their school much less be in the hero course.

How IcyHot conveniently forgot about Katsuki’s pleads to take him seriously and not to lump him in as someone lower than Deku, even after they failed the licensing exam together. After they spent a shit ton of time together. He used his fire more often now, so why did it matter? It wasn’t any of Katsuki’s business, so why did he still feel unsatisfied, why did he feel upset? Halfie was saving lives, it shouldn’t matter. It shouldn’t matter that Katsuki was embarrassed. He wasn’t good enough in IcyHot’s eyes to go all-in on. He needed to get better, that’s all.

How was he supposed to get better like this?

There’s a bitter taste in his mouth. He wonders if it’s the taste of defeat. If this is it, if Katsuki had already hit his peak and it was all downhill from here. Was that what the hole in his stomach was trying to tell him? Either way, it meant failure.

A symbol of failure, that’s all it was.

Katsuki hated that he had no one to confirm or deny his speculations, not unless he wanted to show how fucking insecure he actually was. How unsure of himself he was. God knows any idiot could infer what the blond was thinking if he started asking about what people thought this stupid injury meant.

They probably wouldn’t understand his question. They probably wouldn’t answer him. He could see Kirishima’s large, concerned eyes- thinking that Katsuki was feeling insecure about himself, but the redhead didn’t know the truth. He didn’t know the monster that Katsuki truly was. Sometimes Katsuki felt guilty, someone like Kirishima considered him a friend while Katsuki was about the shittiest person to exist. Someone like Kirishima who stood by him no matter how hard Katsuki pushes; an immovable force. Someone like Kirishima, who stood by his side and called him manly even while Katsuki laid in a hospital bed with a hole in his stomach and bandages taking over his body.

He remembers Kirishima saying, “scars are manly, bro! Just look at Todoroki! Even I have one, see, I got it ’cause of my quirk...”

Katsuki wasn’t calling the pair of them weak because they had scars, that’s not how it worked. It wasn’t Todoroki’s fault he grew up in a shitty home. There’s nothing Kirishima could’ve done, he was a kid with a new quirk. But Katsuki, he never got scars.

He got scrapes, he got bruises, he got in fights. Nothing has resulted in scars. Not his falls, not when he cut himself cooking, nothing. Everything healed to become the perfect skin he got from his mother. Nothing stayed.

Nothing but this.

This was a first, because Katsuki never got scars.

This was something special.

Not all special things were good.

This was bitter.

This was like the time his preschool teacher explained that Deku was just special because he didn’t have a quirk. That wasn’t a good special, not when it singled him out. Children were cruel, Katsuki was no exception.

It was a special scar, but it wasn’t a good kind of special.

This made him sick. Made the bitter taste in his throat into the taste of bile. Acidic and gross. As gross as the mark that stood out on his stomach. How fucked up was his stomach now? They gave him some dietary restriction for the next few weeks, would he be able to eat anything normally afterwards? Could his fucked up stomach handle spices anymore? After all, that was one of the things on the list- limits on spice. It was only for three weeks, just to be sure he healed properly. After all, he was still messed up. He’d be forever messed up now.

Was it bad enough that he wouldn’t be able to tolerate some of his favourite foods? And what else was there to it? Would it now be a weak spot, that villain could use against him. It would be easy to see, that is if he wore a shirtless hero outfit like Kirishima. But he didn’t. He’d make sure no one would be able to see it. It was only for Katsuki’s eyes.

Would it itch once it was healed? He wanted to scratch it now, the itch was fucking insane, but he didn’t touch it. He didn’t want to, even if it wasn’t so sensitive, he won’t touch it more than he’d have to. That begged the question- would it always be so sensitive? Surely it’d get better once the swell came down. But the doctors had talked about how they created new skin growth, to help seal the hole. To make him appear semi-normal. It’d be like a baby's skin, wouldn’t it? Sensitive as hell.

He’d have to deal with it. He’d have to make sure it was covered up well during training, in case someone tried to hit him there.

Though Katsuki doubted that anyone would. They all knew where he was hit. The whole class, they pitied him, they were going to go easy on him.

If Katsuki’s stomach wasn’t so empty, he’d puke. Would it be leftover blood that he’d vomit up? The doctor mentioned something about that too. Probably why his mouth tasted so heavily or iron. Would he ever get rid of the taste?

Would all the food he eats taste of blood and bitterness?

He hoped not, it’d certainly make keeping his lunch down much harder than it was. And that wasn’t an easy feat when all your classmates talked about was Deku and the fact that he’d be out of school recovering for the next two weeks. Reminding him of how fucking useless his injury was, how useless he was.

Rice never tasted so bad.

Though, their first day back in class was worse. He saw Aizawa. He saw his leg. His eye is covered in bandages. His leg, his foot, or lack of foot. It had him turning back out of the classroom, the bitter taste of iron returning to his tongue as he puked what was left of his stomach up in the toilet. A tinge of red. They were right about the blood. The flavour wouldn’t leave his mouth, even as he washed it out with soap.

Despite the slip-up, Katsuki was in his seat as early as he usually would be, his careful facade in place, daring anyone to talk to him. Usually, that would go ignored by Kirishima and his friends. Still, Katsuki could hope for one day that it wouldn’t. That they be too bummed out to make conversation.

He was right. The whole classroom acted as if someone had died. Well, someone had. Midnight, his mind unhelpfully provided. Bakugou didn’t want to think about that. Sometimes he forgot his teachers were pro-heroes. And no, he didn’t like Midnight all that much, actually, he avoided her at any chance he could. She made him uncomfortable. Her and Cementos. It was no surprise, they took the lead in taking care of his uncooperative ass during the Sport’s Festival. Still, despite his dislike for the pro, it did feel like something was missing. And Katsuki did feel guilty when his initial reaction was relieved when President Mic took her place for art.

Once again, as he sat with his classmates in the quieter-than-usual cafeteria, he wondered if he could keep his lunch down. He didn’t like the eyes on the back of his head- on the back of their heads. It wasn’t just him. It was the whole class. After all, they were in the middle of things. Them and 1-B. But mostly 1-A. It was always 1-A. Did the rest of the first years look at them with awe? No, they never looked at Katsuki like that. With fear then? Hatred? Jealously? With pity ?

Katsuki didn’t eat much. Even if he could, even if his stomach would hold the amount of food he could previously consume, Katsuki was too busy gettin stuck in his own head to pay attention to the lunch in front of him.

When training rolled around, he changed in the stall. It went unnoticed, he was usually quick at changing anyway. He realized his bandages were showing with the tanktop of his hero costume. Would the scar on his shoulder show once he got to unwrap then? At least it wasn’t the hole in his stomach.

They were doing light training, Aizawa’s orders. So Katsuki kept off his gauntlets, he wouldn’t need them. All Might looked out of it. Because Deku wasn’t here . Everyone else was out of it too. But Deku would be fine. He was going to pull through, they all said so. He woke up already so it’d be fine. Why the hell were they mourning over that idiot then?

Katsuki set off an explosion that was bigger than he was supposed to, his shoulder screaming in pain as a result. But it worked, it snapped the rest of the class out of it. It seemed to light some kind of fire within them. To see Katsuki’s normal care-free, destructive attitude. At least his violent nature was good for something.

Though, Aizawa pulled him aside. Brought him out of the training room, into the hallway, leaning against the wall with his crutches, “kid.”

Katsuki swallowed, “what?”

“You left this morning when you saw my leg, right? What’s going through your mind Bakugou?”

“Nothing,” He avoided eye contact, morphing his expression into a familiar scowl.

“Is it because I'm hurt-” Bakugou opened his mouth to deny, snapping his red eyes up to meet a grey one, “or is it because you are?”

“No, I'm not.” He denied anyway, despite the fact that his denial was so obviously a lie, it didn’t take a genius to see the bandages and figure out what kind of condition he was in. Especially not if you happened to be there when it was happening.

Aiawa sighed, he looked tired. A lot of his classmates said he always looked tired, that’s why he slept during class. Katsuki had always thought he just looked bored. Now- now he looked tired. He slid down the wall, sitting on the tile. With an awkward pause, Katsuki conceded and did the same, joining him on the floor.

“Look,” The pro took his time, carefully rolling up the pant leg that was now much too long for him, rolling it up until bandages poked through.

Katsuki swallowed the lump in his throat. He could already taste the blond on his mouth. Blood from the incident. From when it first happened. Blood from his nightmares that retold the incident, over and over and over again. Blood for this morning. The taste of blood in his mouth won’t go away.

“Bakugou,” The taste was as permanent as the stump on his teacher's leg, “this didn’t happen because I was weak. It wasn’t my fault and it certainly wasn’t yours.”

Katsuki stared down at the bandages, wrapped so carefully around the fresh amputation. The blond wondered if it hurt as much as the hole in his stomach. More, he figured. Aizawa was strong though. He could handle the pain.

“Everyone has scars, this one is mine.”

Aizawa was strong. Katsuki respected him.

He admits to having a scar. He says everyone does. He admits that this is a scar, his scar. He wasn’t afraid to admit it. He wasn’t ashamed. It wasn’t a symbol of his failure. He had quite the opposite.

The blond carefully pulled his gloves off, setting them aside. He wiped the sweat off his hands, feeling the fabric of his shirt between his calloused fingers. Pulling the shirt up just enough. Resting a hand on his bandaged center, the unfamiliar feeling causing him to tense. Yet he kept his hand there. On the bandages. On the hole in his stomach. On the scar that rested upon his skin.

He inhaled, clearing his throat- his mouth- of the iron-rich, of the bitter, taste.

“This is mine.”

The weight on his shoulders felt a little bit lighter. His breathing came out freely, the pain in his chest had lessened, a pain that he didn’t even know he had. He could relax now.

Aizawa’s gaze didn’t bother him. Katsuki’s body felt strong.

#my hero academia #boku no hero academia #mha #bnha #bakugou katsuki #midoriya izuku #Kirishima Eijirou #todoroki shouto #hurt #hurt/comfort #scars #body image #aizawa shouta

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gin-and-luce · 4 years

Text

You killed our dog! Adriana of The Sopranos gave me strength to navigate life after a breakup during a global pandemic lockdown

I’m going through a breakup. It’s come at the worst time but also the best time. He ended things with me (more on that later) after three years in the most Beta-Male way...but this is what happens when your type can be boiled down to softboi. I can’t see my friends in the conventional way, so I made some new ones on screen to help me navigate the end during quarantine.

Over ten weeks ago I started watching The Sopranos. It doesn’t need justifying, everyone knows it’s the best television series of all time, but I’d never seen it, and I knew a global pandemic induced lockdown would provide optimum viewing circumstances. My favourite thing to do is completely throw myself into the female narrative and experience I’m watching on screen. I prefer a long deep drama over a film. I like being able to see my girls every night.

People have said to me before “you should start a blog”, but I could never escape the feeling that doing so is massively narcissistic because it *is*, unless you have something actually relevant to write about. Alternatively, the image of Gretchen Weiners leaning in and going “you let it out honey, put it in the book” floats across my conscience, and everything embarrassing that I’ve ever done, plays in a montage in my mind.

Who gives a fuck what I have to say about anything…….. especially about a cultural phenomena that is quite literally regarded as the best TV show of all time?

I’d been wanting to write this after I watched Long Term Parking. I lay in the dark for 45 minutes after the episode ended. I’d never felt like that watching a television show or film before. My throat had seized up but I didn’t cry, even though I felt like it. I knew it was coming from the moment Adriana met the agent. I wasn’t surprised, but I was heartbroken and absolutely fuming. I still am.

I’m not angry with Christopher, Tony, or Silvio, but just the general unbalance I’ve felt when I’m in a relationship. The loss of self, relationships being a series of compromises. From what I have found from my own experiences and my girlfriends’, women are just much more willing to compromise, but don’t consider it to be a compromise. Men can only take into consideration their own reality, an evolutionary selfishness that just doesn’t translate.

Just as lockdown began I texted my boyfriend to say I loved him and I missed him. He responded with “Can’t say I feel the same”. Nearly 3 years were over just like that. We had the obligatory phone call, where I was hysterical and he was smarmy and smug. Yet when it was over, I felt nothing. It’s allllll a big nothing.

My personal Gospel is Sex and The City (shout out to HBO!). This was my Berger moment. He essentially scribbled “I’m sorry, I can’t. Don’t hate me” on a post-it. The irony of the whole thing is that when we watched it together, he himself said he was most like Berger. Thinking about it makes me wince.

My life opened up in front of me, I was exposed to his weakness regarding the situation in full when his sister-in-law messaged me on Instagram a few days ago. He hadn’t told his family, nor had he told his flatmates (another shout out to my sleuths at the back, you know who you are!).

The Sopranos is a show about life. The Mafia structure provides a vehicle for us to question morality and mortality. You take what you get from it. When I watch it again at a different stage of my life, I will get something else out of it.

For me now, while I stew in my own emotion during quarantine, Adriana represents emotional labour and the expectation for women to behave in a certain way in relationships.

At first when my ex’s family members were messaging me, I was confused. It is frankly humiliating to smile as if everything is normal, so as to protect someone that in the end would not do the same for me. I know he wouldn’t do the same because there was just no courtesy in what happened weeks ago. I am trying to move on but things like this stunt your personal growth.

The struggle with emotional labour hones a guilt that someday I’ll regret giving my early 20s to something that didn’t work out. I felt like I was on borrowed time.

These are obviously my own insecurities spurred on by the fact that I’ve read enough “10 things I wish I knew in my 20s” blogs to know that these are my selfish years. Still, it is ultimately devastating to see the last 3 years of your life conclude via a text that displays a failure to realise that there is no real clean cut for a long-term relationship.

I respect him for the blunt statement because it means I get to reference the Berger SATC breakup and say “casually cruel in the name of being honest” (Taylor Swift, 2012) a LOT, which softens the pity in the social scenarios that I invent in my head in the shower.

When Tony calls Adriana to tell her Christopher has tried to kill himself, that was like my final phone call too. This is the end. Her youthfulness was why I related to her most in the show, but at the same time having nothing to lose made her easily expendable. Youth makes you put 100% into something knowing it is a gamble.

I’m not comparing my ‘borrowed time’ to Adriana because she ends up dead, but there was a disregard for her life that was so harrowing because she did nothing but try and do the right thing. I watched Adriana put Christopher first willingly for 5 series. He supported her music management dreams but ultimately ended up making it all about him. He gave her the Crazy Horse but this ultimately was just another mob hangout. He sat on her dog, he continued to use heroin, shag other people, and so on.

“You could start writing again,” she tells him in her last episode, to which he responds “I could do my memoirs, finally,”. Here is Adriana still!! STILL!! catering to Christopher’s ego to give herself some confidence. Very me.

All the way through she was just too good for him. Her ties to the Famiglia aren’t as tight as Carmela and Co. No children, still young, there’s chance for Adriana to get out if she wanted to. Of course this makes her prime FBl bait, but shows she sticks by Christopher through everything purely out of love. In the end she dies on her knees, subservient, with Heart’s Barracuda the last song she hears. I know Adriana had to go. That’s the way it is in the Famiglia because Christopher took an oath. But in a way she also had the carpet ripped from underneath her, just like me.

There are lots of men writing on the internet about how Adriana is greedy and hypocritical. I just don’t understand where this reading is coming from other than obvious misogyny. I’ve read others that say if she was really that strong she would have simply left the relationship years ago. I believe that she believed things would improve for both of them, and that most people are just slut shaming her for her past.

Still, Drea DeMatteo won a Best Supporting Actress Emmy for the episode. Fuckin’ A.

I rooted for the woman. Before I was made redundant while working from home, I would spend half my life at my desk willing it to be 5:30pm, so I could slither back to the settee and spend the other half of my life in New Jersey. I’d phone my mum to discuss the episodes. She loves the show too, it’s always been a favourite in my household. We’d talk about the women like they were our friends and how we relate to them. The Sopranos is like a big mirror urging you to question everything. The answer to life is simply what are ya gonna do?

Men love making things black and white so it is easier for them, when really women are in the background sorting out the shades of grey.

Don’t get me wrong, Adriana’s significance is massive, albeit more so because of her death. You watch Christopher and Tony’s relationship start to crumble afterwards. It's shattering to see the disregard for Christopher’s sobriety and how despite his loyalty, he still sees him as a liability and weak.

On the other hand, for Adriana’s sake, I am still enraged that he couldn’t see the bigger picture at the time. She is collateral damage in his path to finding his precious arc - “Wives, girlfriends, they can complicate life in a major way” Tony expresses to Jennifer as he runs from his own guilt.

Christopher is desperate for Tony’s approval but is more than happy to use his blood connection as a protective leeway whenever he steps out of line. Again the irony is that he comes to tell Tony about Adriana first, just as the old Famiglia values say he should, but there is no real personal reward for doing so despite the personal sacrifice.

I think Christopher regretted it in the end, and rightly so. When he is faced with his potential alternate life at the gas station, we assume that this was what made him go to Tony. It’s a family with loads of kids. Adriana probably can’t even have kids??? What kind of male logic?! #justiceforadriana

I can’t help but feel for him when JT screams “Chris, you’re in the MAFIA!”. It’s the same kind of reality check that Chief Cubitoso gives Adriana, it’s an ultimatum and it’s the realisation that they are trapped in this life. Just ask Gene.

Carmela knew. I read her dreams as a testament to a woman’s intuition. She knows her friend isn’t what everyone is describing, she knows Adriana wouldn’t just disappear. She is all too aware of the emotional labour Mob women carry. When she sees Adriana with Cosette on the banks of the Seine, it is as sad as it is when we dream about people who have died.

There is a scene in an early episode where Carmela says “Don’t we all?” in response to Meadow squealing “She’s MARRYING a BABY?” at a painting of The Marriage of Saint Catherine. I thought about this again when Christopher dies. Carmela passes her instinct off as hysteria, she isn’t to know. “So quick to blame, what is the attraction in that?” she cries during the aftermath of the car crash. There is a critique in her own femininity here that just makes you want to shout “NO CARM!!!!!!!”. As she believes she mothers Tony, there is the double-edged sword whereby he protects her through keeping her in the dark. “Heaven only ever sees my love making a fool of me” sings Emmylou Harris at the start of season 5. Carm’s power is taken away but she doesn’t even know.

Carmela dedicates her life to being a mother but it’s not enough to save Meadow from her surname. We get some sense that AJ ‘Break Stuff by Limp Bizkit’ Soprano might be on a new path when he feels like the burning of his car among the autumn leaves of death was cathartic. As a man, he just has more freedom anyway.

Miss Meadow gained her independence by getting her driving license, but in the end we see that she is still held back in the final scene by her inability to parallel park. She slots right in, eventually. As she does, she slots into the Soprano cycle after years of doing the most to get out and pave her own way. After every breakup with someone without links to the Famiglia, no scrubs, she returns and dates someone closer to home. Her career path is left tenuous to us, it would be all too easy for her to become a kept woman, which feels like it is the only real option should she settle down into the lifestyle with Patrick Parisi. It isn’t what she envisioned for herself, so part of me wants to hope that her story ends up a little bit more like Elle Woods. Legally Italian.

I probably wouldn’t even have remembered her saying anything about parallel parking if I wasn’t terrible at parallel parking myself. It’s the pepperings of these subtle callbacks that make the show so beautiful. As the guitar solo plays on during the frustration, you’re invited to reminisce over Meadow’s journey. I fully wept watching her struggle to get the damn car parked because I’m trying to get my car parked too. Don’t stop believing, Meadow.

I admire all the women in The Sopranos. The show is feminist, and that is a hill I am prepared to die on. It’s definitely up for debate as it is obviously littered with gratuitous nudity and women are commoditised. We have to allow this for cultural context for the show, but real life is basically exactly the same too?

I read a post on Reddit where a dude is asking whether he should watch the show with his girlfriend. He types ‘“It’s a masterpiece of film but she probably wouldn’t get into it as I am”, and you don’t have to look much further to find more comments about how women and their puny minds just won’t get it. It’s an odd perspective to take given that Tony’s psychiatrist is a woman, but of course women could never grasp something so complex. It’s bullshit if you ask me, the female narrative prevails throughout all scenarios.

The Pine Barrens seems to be everyone’s favourite episode. It’s not my favourite but there are two major elements that resonated with me. The first is Meadow looking down at the three letter words Jackie Aprile Jr had placed on the Scrabble board, and the second is when Gloria says to Tony:

“What you said was that you didn’t wanna piss me off..which implies that you’d have to deal with me, which is more about sparing YOU than my fucking feelings”. Don’t need to elaborate on that. Rest in power, Gloria. Legend.

Of course I could write pages and pages of hot feminist takes on all of the women - Jennifer, Janice, Livia, Angie, Svetlana, Charmaine. Lord knows I could probably write a book on Tracee.“ 20 years old, this girl”, I bashed Living on a Thin Line by The Kinks for about a week after that episode. It is the male gaze of the show made me love the women more. Carmela is my mother and I’ll probably name my first born Meadow.

Carmela is the powerhouse and backbone of The Soprano household even though Tony provides. She represents stability, emotional labour, and putting on a brave face regardless. In some ways, it is as if Carmela represents the human emotion side and the fragility of organised crime. She is secure, but not enough, and her lack of ability to stand on her own two feet plagues her conscience through time. She is totally complicit, but must be to ensure her future with Tony as he pays anything to roll the dice just one more time. At the end of Long Term Parking, she and Tony stand looking at where she will build her spec-house. The forest looks the same as where we lost Ade, it’s a grim reflection that Carmela wouldn’t have this life if it wasn’t for the quick disposal of those like Adriana.

Yeah okay, what the hell is a show with a feminist underpinning trying to say about wider society about a woman who exercises her beauty, loyalty and ambition?? Is it that she is not to be trusted?? Adriana’s a rat, but before this she is already deemed “damaged goods” anyway. She dresses provocatively, but that’s because she just looks MINT always. You would dress like THAT if you looked like THAT. When you Google her, ‘Adriana Sopranos Tennis’ comes up. I roll my eyes. Fucking men, eh? To take it down to a basic Sixth-Form-Poet reading, Adriana is Curley’s Wife and Daisy Buchanan all in one. She loves a red manicure too, and it might have worked out better for her if she had played the complicit beautiful little fool.

This isn’t ‘Why The Sopranos is good!’, but a love letter to Adriana and her strength, because there is basically little or no content written on the women of the show when I have Googled. I needed there to be more things written about her that isn’t just “bitch had it coming” when in fact she is a martyr.

When Adriana was on screen, there was my mate. I knew her, she wanted what I wanted, but she sacrificed so much of herself for others and it was heartbreaking to watch. She barely gets a look-in in early episodes, but when she does she is usually wearing something animal print, which automatically made her the number one character on my radar. I am choosing to believe the theory that she is the cat in the final episode too.

Still, I have been struggling and questioning why an episode that aired 16 years ago, with no plot that links to my own circumstances, has had such a monumental impact on me.

I saw a tweet that said “have we ever sat down and thought about why relationships only work if the guy is more invested than the girl or is that just something we accept” (@anugov1). Adriana invested more in Christopher, even in the end, than she ever did herself.

As I navigate this transitional period in my life, I am Adriana driving in the vision we see when we think she is going to start her new chapter. We can’t leave the flat, I have no job. The Sopranos has provided the most cathartic escapism for me. As I enter into whatever new world follows this nightmare, I wanted my mate Adriana to find her new world too, turning the classic rock up to 11.

#the sopranos #adriana la cerva #christopher moltisanti #carmela soprano #feminism #cosette #breakup #woe is me #hbo #david chase #drea de matteo

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bladekindeyewear · 4 years

Text

HS^2 bloggin’ mainline 2020-04-02

Alright I’ll fix the broken images later right now lets goooooo read the updaaaate I’ve been only spoiled on the chapter title

I don’t even wanna guess. Jake? This makes me think of Jake for some reason, even though that doesn’t make much se-- oh right the Vriskas are locked in a school closet with a dead clown.

> CHAPTER 7. Distress Call From the Closet

Yep.

Also, this is how a car design looks when it was invented to have its first appearance be it flying with a human named Tavros looking out from an open side door.

(I’m not ENTIRELY against designing something for its immediate-art-use-purpose first and functional or historical-origination thought later, but usually when you make it that obvious that that’s what your doing it’s best to make that fact funny. Like the Conveniently Shaped Lamp.)

Also I appreciate this using of Candy as kind of more lighthearted breaks in the action?

> (==>)

I thoguht that protruding fang (?) was drool for a second and wondered what the fuck they were up to in this closet all of a sudden.

Vriska, thriving on it, has not felt so decadently alive in a very long time. Tavros has never in his tragic existence felt so close to death, which is surprising to him.

Vrissy is trying her best not to grapple with any cosmic truths at the moment, since she’s getting a phone call in the middle of hiding for her life.

Vrissy’s implied to be somewhere in-between all that by this joke. I bet she’ll be comparing herself to Vriska and Tavros alike throughout this mess, wondering where on the spectrum she lands and being ashamed of it AND both of them regardless. Vriska Original had a ghost version who went on a fair bit of a Page dress-up thing and personality shift, so maybe we could expect Vrissy to struggle with being caught in the middle of the scales... or does that qualify as overthinking it classpectways?

VRISSY: Yeah Harry I would say we are Extremely Aware of the Situ8ion. VRISSY: As it Unfolded the fuck all around us.

Good Christ, Vrissy’s selectively-capitalized Kanaya-isms continue to be cute.

Oh, he’s on speakerphone.

> (==>)

Yep, telling Rose and Kanaya would be the smart thing to do, but it isn’t the Them thing to do.

--ROXY’S PLACE?!?? Hoo boy. On the other hand, though, we get more Roxy, so it evens out.

Also, I like how Harry Anderson has to spell out Harry Anderson’s entire name for his Harry Anderson chat tag every single time. Harry Anderson.

> (==>)

Part of the reason, Tavros thinks, that he’s been so game to continue on with the worst plan anyone has ever concocted, is that the more bullshit they endure, the longer they can put off actually doing anything that matters.

If he’s getting sprayed with a sprinkler and getting clown feet in his face, it’s a farce. It can’t hurt him. But if they get to the part where he’s shoving the uncooperative weight of his uncle’s corpse in an incinerator, he will stop floating in protective semi-consciousness above his body and it will all be real.

Ouch.

Can’t one of you assholes just captchalogue him? Or did you leave all the appropriate-strength moduses at home? Even you Vriska??

Oh, right. Everyone knows and you can just leave him here. Good call. I mean you don’t really have to worry about forensic evidence with the pictures circulating.

> (==>)

VRISKA: 8ye 8itch.

Oooh! That feels satisfying! Yeah, tell off Gamzee’s corpse!

...Wait.

If they just leave Gamzee there, Jane can revive him, can’t she.

Fuck. Maybe it’s up to Jake to try and stop that.

> (==>)

Karkat and Meenah resistance-time, then, with them presumably hearing about this development on the internet. Wow, Meenah’s horns are getting long fast. Plus a hint more of her grown-up self’s height. I didn’t think she’d keep maturing so fast with her absurd lifespan ahead of her.

Oh shit, I didn’t see at first--

Right, Candy might still be lighthearted compared to the broader plot just due to lowered stakes, but it’s still the Carpet-Bombing-and-War-Filled Shituniverse.

Trolls are made for the battlefield.

From the moment a troll oozes out of the mother grub’s pulsating sphincter, through the trials of the brooding caverns, across the brutal day to day slog of Alternian society, all the way to their Ordeals, to the sucking void of space. They are bred for nothing but endless war.

But Commander Vantas...Commander Vantas is different.

Is... is Meenah narrating right now? Because fuck.

Or so all the pamphlets say.

The actual Commander Vantas has blisters on his heel and has been taking pot-shots at scouting drones for the last six hours. He could use a bath, honestly.

Or is this one of the trolls on the side narrating who’s kind of internalized the stories of trolls’ prior warlike nature?

> (==>)

MEENAH: yo nubs is that u MEENAH: pretty rank KARKAT: OH MY GOD. KARKAT: I FLATLY REFUSE TO BELIEVE THAT YOU CAN SMELL MY NATURAL MUSK OVER THE STENCH OF BLOOD AND BURNING FLESH.

I guess it probably was Meenah narrating, then. Unless it’s a really biased alt!Callie doing the talking.

MEENAH: didnt i warn u bout thinking tho? KARKAT: GOD DAMMIT MEENAH, DON’T MEME AT ME.

I don’t know what meme this is and I really don’t want to know.

They have had this argument more than once. In fact, both of them could play either side of it. Karkat has done his time in the field, of course, leading small guerilla operations to free prisoners and sabotage Crocker’s supply chains, but Meenah and the rest of the council is right. Which is why he’s here, instead of at the front lines with his rebels, where he belongs.

His true value is his face. His symbology. At the end of the day, he is a fucking ad campaign.

...is KARKAT narrating here???

SWIFER: boss check the news!

Oh shit, right, Swifer is in the resistance in Candy instead of just a breeding assistant in Meat as the bonuses remind us.

KARKAT: OH FUCK. MEENAH: what KARKAT: JESUS CHRIST. MEENAH: nubs i swear 2 god KARKAT: IT’S GAMZEE. KARKAT: HE’S DEAD. MEENAH: oh MEENAH: well shit KARKAT: I CAN’T FUCKING BELIEVE THIS. MEENAH: u okay KARKAT: NO!

Huh. Them’s some complicated feelings that could fall in basically all directions at once.

Also, I can’t believe Karkat has hung around humans enough to fully internalize the full-throated exclamation “JESUS CHRIST”, which wouldn’t even really be a thing on Earth C with people who aren’t from Earths B or A.

MEENAH: u outlawed fishpuns i gotta make my own fun

How could you, Karkat.

KARKAT: AND I GUESS IF YOU CALL AN OBSCENELY PUBLIC PALE ACT, PERFORMED IN A FUGUE OF DESPERATE PANIC INTENDED TO PREVENT HIM FROM MURDERING ALL OF MY FRIENDS INSTEAD OF JUST HALF OF THEM “A THING”. KARKAT: THEN YES, I GUESS WE HAD A THING. KARKAT: BUT IF YOU’RE ASKING ME IF I’M SAD THAT HE’S DEAD? KARKAT: ABSOLUTELY THE FUCK NOT.

Okay, I’d hoped not, good...

KARKAT: THAT’S NOT WHY I’M SAYING FUCK A BUNCH OF TIMES. MEENAH: u need a reason to say fuck a buncha times KARKAT: SHUT UP. KARKAT: LOOK AT THE PICTURE.

--Right! That’s a good reason to not be okay.

KARKAT: I DON’T THINK SO? I CAN’T SEE HER EYES IN THIS PICTURE, BUT SHE’S COVERED IN BLOOD, AND SHE’S CARRYING GAMZEE, SO SHE’S CORPOREAL AT LEAST.

I love this form of analysis somehow.

KARKAT: OKAY...HERE. OH. OF COURSE. CROCKER IS CLAIMING HER SON WAS KIDNAPPED AND FORCED TO PARTICIPATE. KARKAT: AND THEY’VE NAMED ME AS THE MASTERMIND. MEENAH: well we woulda taken credit for it anyway so this saves us the time MEENAH: thanks jane owe u one

Meenah isn’t the “concerned” type. Lemonade out of lemons.

> (==>)

That middle tweet is my favorite.

Oh dear, “#GamzeeAnon”...

KARKAT: SHIT. OF COURSE THIS WOULD HAVE TO DO WITH FUCKING SERKET. KARKAT: LITERAL MONTHS OF PLANNING, HOURS AND HOURS OF LOGISTICS, AND ALL OF IT GOES UP IN SMOKE BECAUSE OF ONE SPIDERY ASSHOLE. KARKAT: SHE *WOULD* FIND SOME WAY TO WRECK MY SHIT FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE.

indisputable

KARKAT: NOW? KARKAT: NOW WE PIVOT FROM THE SUBLIME TO THE RIDICULOUS.

Um...

What does that mean?

I’m having a lot of trouble not only understanding the basic meaning of what he’s saying, here, but understanding why KARKAT of all people would employ it.

......it’s a meme, isn’t it. Gotta be.

> (==>)

(Ooh, an eyepatch designed to invoke a Strider-shade. Nice.)

KARKAT: I NEED TO TALK TO EGBERT.

But....... why??

> (==>)

Oh right, cause his son’s girlfriend is involved.

> (==>)

Oh my goooood what a pair of John and Roxy caaaars! :D

He is too busy with these mental gymnastics to notice his father’s car parked outside.

Ah right. John’s... not on the best terms with him, I recall that.

> (==>)

Ohhhh myyyy goooood what an image!!!

John, Roxy, and Harry Anderson proceed to have the tail end of a conversation they had before, in another medium.

What the fuck!? Harry had that conversation WHILE this dead body situation was going on?! Let me reread that linked bit...

(And she has such a somber smile on her face, but given the conversation content it’s not surprising.)

Harry Anderson looks at the two of them all teary and laughing and hikes his bag higher on his shoulder, shifting his weight. Roxy sees a muscle tighten in his jaw. Her beautiful, smart boy. She wants to run over and hug him, to protect him from the possibility of pain at talking to his father, but she doesn’t. She knows how much he’s wanted this, no matter how much he jokes about it.

She looks back at John, and sees her own awe mirrored in his face. She wills him not to cry, not to fall back on his self-imposed suffering and blame loop. Something about the last hour must have done the trick, though. John stands up, brushes his hands on his jeans, and walks, back straight, toward his son.

JOHN: hey harry anderson. JOHN: it’s really, really good to see you. JOHN: do you wanna go for a drive?

The muscle in Harry Anderson’s jaw clenches a few more times, but when he smiles, it is genuine.

HARRY ANDERSON: yeah, dad. HARRY ANDERSON: that could be cool.

Oh son of a bitch. Well isn’t that entertaining. Harry you’re just going to ditch your friends for I’m kidding, this is life fulfillment you’re aiming for, of COURSE you’re going to agree. (Too bad bringing the current situation in is gonna throw a wrench in things.)

> (==>)

Oh right, that means more of THIS Vriska and THIS John. They’ve had a good start talking already, I wonder what more they can learn from each other.

HARRY ANDERSON: but no worries, i asked my mom to pick me up some snacks so she’ll leave to go to the store in a sec. HARRY ANDERSON: just sneak in after she leaves and hide in my room, and i’ll be back in a bit.

Harry you enormous shortsighted asshole. And John’s about to learn all this from Karkat over the phone to blow his cover.

> (==>)

aaaaa roxy art i cannot :D

Wonder if her stealthiness attunement is gonna catch them in the act?

> (==>)

From this jealousy bit, I wonder to what degree Earth C humans are used to Troll quadrants and their various interplay mores.

> (Room: Examine yourself.)

Oh, a proper room introduction for Harry Anderson! Very fashion-focused, very liking the spotlight--

Oh wait, shit. This is traditionally where classpect associations are hinted more obviously than anywhere else. Time to stop holding back on the classpect stuff and take in every fucking word with capital-C Classpect fully in mind.

A bedroom stands empty. There is no boy standing in this bedroom, or indeed anyone else. However, if the boy whose bedroom it was were here, one might remark that his name was HARRY ANDERSON.

And FUCK, one might say, does he like MUSICAL THEATER.

Spotlight, definitely. But is it for the attention? The possibilities? The acting?

He has been in his fair share of school plays, but he has LOFTY ASPIRATIONS to STAR in bigger and better productions. He especially appreciates modern MUSICAL REMAKES of classic OLD EARTH MOVIES. It's a craze that not everyone is happy about, but in the absent boy they have found a DEVOTED FAN. There is also just enough overlap between his taste and his father’s to allow for SOMEWHAT STILTED CONVERSATIONAL BONDING from time to time.

Hmmmm. Is it about the majesty of important works of media (I see “Pokémon” and “Alien vs Predator” up there...), or is it about the fact that they’re remakes of past works? Those are a lot of awards and stage lights now that I zoom in to look... and hats... hats could be important......

The boy who is not yet here has also been known to dabble in ACCESSORIZATION. He could be described as a COBBLER ASPIRANT, a NEOPHYTE MILLINER, or even a BIT OF A WHIZZ WITH A NEEDLE AND THREAD.

Oh, interesting! Not just putting out different outfits, but making them? And Milliner is hat-specific creation...

His mother got him his first SEWING MACHINE when he was 10, to keep him from using hers all the time. His looks are HAND-CRAFTED, often IMITATED, but never DUPLICATED.

Space is obviously possible from sewing, but-- A focus on uniqueness!!! The broader theme is getting VERY specific. You might feel where I’m leaning already.

His COSTUMES appear in various AMATEUR PRODUCTIONS, the devising of which takes up most of his FREE TIME. His friends are usually LESS APPRECIATIVE of his attempts to dress them up than he would like, though.

Holy fucking shit. He dresses up and makes unique HATS for his friends and others. Specifically so they can use them as COSTUMES to act parts!!!!

And the other unique thing mentioned about him here took the time aside to note how he appreciated the intersection in personal interests between him and his father for it.

So you all know what I’m thinking, right? HATS??? It’s got to be Heart, isn’t it. Maybe even a Page of Heart, with his long-off aspirations and talent for arming others with it. Any other additive/giving class might do the trick, too, like Sylph or possibly Maid. Knight could technically still fit pretty well, but I feel Page is better given what little we know so far, what with so much outward focus bleeding out.

(You can comb through the saga on my infamous hats tag or the summary on the Aspect Duality post, but the gist is that hats (and others’ clothes, but especially the hats. even shoes -- SO many shoes in that picture!) represent the gist of an expressed identity, personal uniqueness whether innate or affected ala a costume. Nepeta, Dirk, Terezi, and even Stitch have given us examples, some of them deeper than we realized, MOST of them probably overthought bullshit like I thought when I first created the hats tag and started tracking the wonderful importance of hats. ¬_¬)

I’d like to see anyone else’s interpretation. (EDIT: One more potential Nep-allusion in this room.)

> (==>)

Oh nooooooo!!!! Tavros’s sprite is the saddest looking thing I’ve ever seen!! D: Like a mix of Jane and Jake that thoroughly regrets his entire existence! Which he practically does! D: Why the Caliborn-like clothes though?

(Some hint at “how different alt!Callie’s Caliborn must have been” like the commentary suggested exploring in fanfiction? Was the suggestion meant to divert attention from the idea that it’d be addressed in the plot? Andrew pulled that trick a time or two, why not these authors?)

Also:

Pffff. Vriska just accessorizing immediately-- Oh, wait. That might just be a bandana she had at some point coated in Gamzee’s blood.

Tavros is looking at the news on a borrowed phone -- nice call on disabling the tracking on yours, Tavros.

> (==>)

TAVROS: It’s getting a bit surreal to see my, uh,, frozen mask of horror on every news site,, TAVROS: It’s a good shot of you,,, though, Vrissy, VRISSY: It really is Shockingly well composed.

Heheheh. It’s fun that Tavros knows exactly what Vrissy/ka would care about.

And yes, Vriska is over there trying out ALL the bandanas.

> (==>)

VRISSY: Oh, is trying on all my 8oyfriend’s accessories not passing the time well enough for you? VRISKA: Desper8 times call for desper8 measures, Vrissy. VRISKA: And this is some dire shit.

They stare each other down. Did she mean the fugitive situation, or Harry Anderson’s fashion choices? Vrissy feels silly wondering this, but despite the situation they’re in, she can’t help but feel more acutely anxious about Vriska’s presence.

She likes her life, and she trusts her own choices. But now, looking at everything from Vriska’s vantage point, it all feels silly. Unimportant. Childish.

She can’t tell if she wants Vriska to rip in to Harry Anderson or if she wants her to stay silent. To put off the moment where she has to defend him or join in.

Real interesting. Like she’s caught between these worlds after all.

> (==>)

They say it was a long drive, but...?

...WOW. What a chill, disinterested-looking affect his sprite makes for. Huh.

He kisses Vrissy’s temple and she leans in to the warmth of him.

HARRY ANDERSON: aren’t you a sight for sore eyes. HARRY ANDERSON: so sorry it took so long. HARRY ANDERSON: can’t rush a heart to heart, you know how it is.

Stop making me deliberate whether you’re trying to drop teasing Heart-aspect hints. You already know I’m going to be obsessively scrutinizing every word of dialogue around Harry to see if it fits, story. No need to rub it in.

VRISSY: You actually had a Heart to Heart with your dad? How many times did he Cry?

I DIDN’T EVEN READ THE NEXT LINE QUIT SAYING HEART TO HEART YOU EVEN GAVE IT PROPER CAPS THAT TIME

HARRY ANDERSON: but god, it was a mess. i had to keep talking to keep him from looking at his phone or turning on the radio. HARRY ANDERSON: i may have told him more about my deep passions and emotions in the last hour than the whole rest of my life combined, just to keep him from hearing the fucking news.

Holy shit. You exploited conversation about your deep passions and interests for a separate goal???

Aaargh! Classpect everywhere! I’ve relapsed!!! D:

> (==>)

JOHN IS SO HAPPY

John Egbert has not had a day like this in a very long time. He can barely keep track of this series of epiphanies he’s having. He stretches out on his couch to relax and process the gifts of advice and connection his friends and family and ex-family have just given him.

OH RIGHT TIME TO RUIN IT WITH MAXIMUM SHENANIGANS

JOHN: hey karkat! great timing! JOHN: so much just happened and im kind of reeling about it. KARKAT: YEAH NO SHIT.

Ohhhh. Much of the time I hate dramatic irony, but those moments before someone is about to be let in on the discrepancy... oh man I love that.

JOHN: is something going on? i just spent the afternoon with my son, and i think he would have told me if something was up with his friends? KARKAT: OH MY LUSCIOUS SHITTING CHRIST JOHN LISTEN TO ME. JOHN: listening!

"Luscious”?? Did they try to type “Lusus” and get autocorrected?

Who’s writing Homestuck on their phone???

> (==>)

J...John?? Are you okay?? XD

This picture. These two paragraphs. I fucking love them.

(Wow, being closer to the “canon” story due to ridiculous shenanigans right after his back-to-back self-insights and outlook changes have really been healthy for him huh. He can probably sense HS^2 reaching him out here. And you can see the helpless comedian his probably-still-depressed ass became on Earth B in his reaction here. EDIT: Also, how appropriate that even by DYING, the Bard of Rage managed to fulfill his role and shatter the last vestiges of John's narrow-outlooked despair?)

John can’t answer. He can’t speak. His body has given itself over to the long-lost feeling of manic euphoria. It had felt like Harry Anderson was holding something back on the drive earlier, but he had already told John so much. He hadn’t wanted to press for more.

Yeah... after what John’s gone through across his life and session, finding out Harry managed to hide THIS for a whole car-ride is the best sort of punch-line for him.

John can’t breathe. Something is happening. Something is finally fucking happening, and he’s finally awake enough to appreciate it.

--yep. I was just guessing earlier, but this kind of confirms it’s in part a closer-to-relevance, closer-to-canon feeling bleeding in. Something is happening that’s important enough to SHOW onscreen and not skip over. I guess he really does like being anchored in Light after all.

> (==>)

John wheezes himself into relative calm. He has to get Karkat to understand. He clears his throat and breathes.

JOHN: karkat, this can be how we win. JOHN: i know what we need to do.

...holy SHIT.

Karkat, how did you know calling JOHN about this would work out this well??

John actually taking confident action to solve a problem, in a way that isn’t going to end up depressing like his attempt to provide Tavros escape in the Epilogues... this should be interesting.

See you next time. (I had to image-fix some stupid linked hat posts for this blogpost and I’m out of energy, so I’ll fix the other old post I promised that asker to fix in like, a day or two; I’ll post when I do.)

#Homestuck #hs2 #Homestuck Liveblog #upd8 #Homestuck^2 #bladekindeyewear #blastyoboots #hats #Heart and Mind #Harry Anderson

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magic5ball · 3 years

Text

Nature Trail to Hell Arc IV: Megamart of Darkness (9)

Chapter 9: Dropping the A-Bomb

I just stood there, having no idea what to say or do. It was like looking in a mirror at the grim, jaded hump of crap you know you’re going to be in ten years if the scholarship doesn’t work out. It was a sight that would bring most grown men to their knees, so considering I was a little kid at the time, it was a wonder I was even standing at all.

Yet somehow, I managed to spit words.

“T-the water.” I trembled, “g-give it back.”

He looked at the glowing plastic bottle in his hand. “Sorry kid, no can do. This here’s company property now. But if you want, I’m more than willing to sit down for an adult conversation.”

The way he said those last two words made my blood freeze, no small task when the ‘sun’ was shining so bright overhead.

He gestured over to an area at the foot of the inflatable volcano, where two plastic chairs and a table rested. On top of the table were several Red Solo cups and a bottle of Crystal Springs Bottled Water.

“Like I said, its’ been awhile since I’ve had company. Besides the Wegmart Company, that is! Ha!”

My feeble ten year old mind struggled to grapple with the fact that someday I would find jokes like that funny. One of the most horrible experiences of my life.

But what could I do? Thanks to stories from my gangster days, I knew darn well what this A-Bomb was capable of, and I wasn’t really in a position to take chances. So I followed him to the tables, trying not to think about how Bokrug should have been here by now, despite his lumbering movements.

Naturally, I didn’t make a peep. If there’s one thing I learned from comic books, its’ best not to set these friendly-lookin’ types off.

When we did get to that table, first thing the guy did was offer me some of that crisp, refreshing, bottled water. Though the heat from the lava made it really tempting, I knew I’d never be able to live with myself if I did.

“Suit yourself, kiddo.” He said, pouring a cup of his own. “We aren’t that different, you know. In fact, you’re a lot like me when I was little…”

On the outside, I stared like the teacher was about to bring the whipping stick. On the inside, I wanted to scream, because long talks with my Dad had taught me where this was going.

. . .

“When I was your age, I also went to a Summer Camp, it was called Camp Salmon or something like that. Anyway, the counselors running the camp were mean. Like, really, really mean, so the second I could I dashed right on out of there and into the woods. Sound familiar?”

Naturally, I didn’t say a word. Throat was too parched, anyway. A-Bomb laughed.

“Oh who am I kidding?! Of course it does! I know because Wegmart has surveillance cameras everywhere!”

He pressed something under the table, and from the ground emerged a device made from a bunch of big screen T.V.s hastily duct taped together, several flashing images of my adventures over the summer. The rest showed the frozen foods aisle, where my feathered allies were getting ‘ahem’, ‘cleaned up’ in the most gruesome way possible.

“Like you, Watterson Tostig, I went into the underworld and escaped. I too, was inducted into a gang of dinosaurs. I, too, became God of Roadside America. But at the end of the day, guys like us have to settle down and face reality. Wegmart saved me, kid, and if you’re willing, it’ll save you too.”

All that time, I didn’t turn away from the screen. I couldn’t.

“I thought I could spend the rest of my life hiding in the produce aisle. But I was foolish back then, a rogue vagrant eating grapefruit peels. Until THEY rescued we. The founders of Wegmart took my withered ghost and showed me the way to love, happiness, and most importantly, low, low prices!”

Yeah, yeah. The low, low price of a human soul!

“I was weak at first, but the kind folks at Wegmart saw my talents as a brown bagger and before I knew it, I had my own private toothpick in the faculty room! After that, they put me into production.”

Here’s the thing about young me being stoic: even at the best of times, he was kinda bad at it. Sometimes I even wonder if he had some kind of attention deficit. Not saying little me cocked an eyebrow at the mention of ‘production’, but he looked at me like I did before he went on yammering again.

“Oh yeah! You’re not in the know of company business. Right! See, our store used to have a 3D printer they would use to take the employee of the month and just clone him until they had an entire staff of the perfect worker! And yours truly has held the position for ten years!”

Ever since I was young enough to confuse Wegmart with Disneyland, I’d always noticed how all the brown baggers looked the same. Suddenly, everything made terrible, terrible sense. But worse was the realization that, just like those cereal box sweepstakes, the empty, dotted line cutout of a man could have easily been me!

“Shame they recalled the printer. Something about lead based ink. Or the clones having higher than normal rates of cancer. Really, I just signed the paperwork. But enough of the sad stuff, Watters! Let’s talk future! Because I’ve seen you in action and man, you’re just the kind of spunk to breathe life into this company!”

Least, I think that’s what he said. Bokrug’s running tardy was really nerving me up.

“So join me, Watterson! And let us rule the Wegmart like manager and employee!”

“No.” I whispered.

“Eh?” A-Bomb cocked an eyebrow, like he’d never heard the word in years.

And with that, I could stay silent no longer. The anger, the one that’d been boiling so steadily I me like the giant volcano we sat at the foot of, went full Krakatoa!

“Are you deaf, poophead?! I said NO!. And you know why? Because all you did was make a giant self-pity sob story for yourself, because you think that if you can drag me down with you into this Megamart of Darkness, you’ll feel better about stealing water from a bunch of geese! I’m pretty sure you could have gotten some from Rite Aid if you were willing to play fair!”

“Rite Aid doesn’t sell-“

“My point is, you’re just jealous of me because I’m not a cog in the machine like you! And that ‘we’re so alike’ bullcrap wouldn’t work on a five year old! So no, I won’t join you, because I might have sold my soul to a Tako Shak, but even I have stinking standards, you self-pitying TURD!”

A-Bomb stared at me, mouth agape for a few seconds. “T-the T-word?...”

“You heard me right, TURD!, so you better let me go unless you want more of the same! I’ll even tell my Mom, and you really don’t want to see her when she’s angry!”

“No, no, I get it…” he pushed a button under the table.

Another hole opened in the ground, and from it emerged what I can only describe as a nuclear missile made entirely of fuzzy orange Shampows.

“Your friends and family are holding you back, little bro! So how about I sweeten the deal: you join me, and I don’t rain Shampow down on your entire neighborhood!”

I tried to move, only to find myself stuck to my seat. Literally. The son of a snitch must have superglued the thing beforehand!

“So, do we have a deal?”

I didn’t say a word.

“Do. We. Have. A. Deal?”

Now I might have been a bit of a turd back in the day, but darn it, I couldn’t let an entire neighborhood get wiped from existence! Especially when the neighbor hadn’t even returned out lawnmower yet!

“Okay! Okay! I’ll join you! I’ll be your whipping boy. I’ll even stock Barbie dolls if I have to! Just don’t press hat button!”

And you know what the prick did? He kept putting his finger closer and closer to the launch button!

“But I thought you said you wouldn’t do it if I joined!”

“Foolish Watt! Your petty loyalties to the neighborhood make you weak! We must purge this from your mind so you can know true Wegmart! Just like my manager did to my neighborhood!”

But you know what the worst part was? He said this using the most condescending, prickish voice I could imagine.

Still, one thing needed clearing up.

“Hey A-Bomb? What was your neighborhood?”

Guy didn’t say a word, but the way he shut up after that spoke plenty.

“… They called it New Jersey.” He whispered.

I rolled my eyes, knowing full well it might be the last time I ever express sarcasm. Of course!

Time slowed to a crawl as I waited on the imminent destruction of everything I ever gave a crap about. Oh, I tried to see things from the half full perspective, but not even the knowledge my douchebag brother was probably going to get caught dab smack in the middle of the detonation zone passed out on the couch watching teen drama reruns could compensate for everything. At least A-Bomb was taking his sweet time pressing, probably so he could rub it in more.

In fact, he was taking a lot of sweet time. (Granted five minutes is pretty long for a ten year old, but still!) Then I noticed he was pressing the detonation button multiple times, each time faster and more flustered. I looked up, wondering if the Lord himself had intervened on behalf of little old me, even after everything.

In fact, my salvation had come in the form of a certain goose, who grinned triumphantly, a plug and wire in his beak, machine gun cradled in his wings.

“Bokrug!”

The noble bird spit out the plug, beaming with triumph despite being so plucked of feathers he was practically naked. A-Bomb was, on the other hand, for the first time since I saw him feeling something other than calm, collected, or several other words you find in yoga advertisements. His face turned so red I figured he’d explode any minute, just like his namesake.

“YOU!” he leapt up from his seat, facing down the glorious gander. ”I had ONE chance to find happiness! ONE chance to have somebody to share this miserable job! Years of planning, plotting, scheming, and with one bite you ruined it!” He unsheathed those golf clubs from his back. “Do you know what its’ like to run a store with only clones of yourself?! With everyone knowing exactly what you do?! Its’ so, so BOORIIINNGGG!”

“Then perhaps you should have found a happiness that did not require the suffering of another.” He bared his beak, bits of Wegmart technology still stuck in them. “Or technology easily damaged by the humblest of beaks.” like he was emphasizing the point, he cocked the machine gun, maing probably the world’s most satisfying click.

“Who do you think you are, my Mom?!” He spun his golf clubs around, making a combination of kung-fu poses and noises that could only be described as either really stupid or really racist. Possibly both.

“Bokrug-kun! You have brought great dishonor upon my house. Prepare to die!” he cried in the phoniest Japanese accent I ever heard.

“I’m Egyptian, you a$$hole!”

With a guttural roar, the waterfowl from hell charged in kind, raining bullets like hellfire.

It was the awesomest f*cking thing I ever saw.

#My writing #Nature Trail To Hell #supermarket #geese

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tanadrin · 5 years

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hey *whispers* hey. hey. i saw your post in the wow tag. i would read THE SHIT out of your interpretation of wow lore. i have homework right now but i think i might just read through your blog a bit. the characters have always been such a high point for me (listen. i know knaak did a lot of shit. but you can pry Krasus from my cold dead hands he was EVERYTHING to middle school me) and i feel so conflicted over what theyve done to the characters - sylvanas, anduin, everyone. would love ur take

You might be a little disappointed, most of my blog isn’t about WoW (it postdates my WotLK raiding/RP guild phase, and I’ve only just recently got back into it with Classic). Lots of opinions on WoW characters below the cut.

I actually don’t hate Krasus as a character. He’s fine, he’s not a Designated Idiot Ball Carrier like some of the others are. In re: the dragons generally, I don’t like the simplistic thing WoW lore does a lot where one faction leader going bonkers turns the whole faction into baddies for no apparent reason, because all political entities are monoliths except when they’re not. I’m also not a huge fan of how crowded the, erm, metahuman bureaucracy on Azeroth has become in the lore–like, the Keepers and the Dragon Aspects serve similar roles, and the lore could have done fine with one or the other, and the dragons were here first (and Ysera and Alexstrasza are BAMFs), and so should get to stay.

Sylvanas is bae, obviously, and Sylvanas as Warchief was a terrific move plotwise. I think it’s a pity they had to kill Vol’jin to do it (because I am also very here for Warchief Vol’jin), but she is obviously the more interesting choice. Speaking of Warchiefs:

Thrall doesn’t have the Green Jesus Marty Stu quite as bad as some people think, but he does kinda have it, and I don’t see them grappling quite with the fact that he done fucked up. Like, not only did he install a Warchief who should have had all smart members of the Horde tugging at their collars nervously when he started his rule, Garrosh turned into a Sha-summoning Old God-corrupted, casual-atrocity-perpetrating maniac, not to mention all the bullshit on Old Draenor I do my best to forget about lest my blood pressure spike. We don’t really get a satisfying mea culpa from Thrall for that, and then his response is to fuck off to fiddle around with the Earthen Ring for a bit, before retiring to a farm in Nagrand. Keep in mind, one of the whole reasons the Horde came together in its current shape in the first place is because of the charismatic, hopeful figure of Thrall. It ran the very real risk of splintering under Garrosh for good (ESPECIALLY after the murder of Cairne, RIP Cairne Bloodhoof, you were too good for this world), and even the most unifying successor (which I think Vol’jin was) didn’t have Thrall’s inclusive, unifying vision. Sylvanas doesn’t, either, and even more, is sort of low-key hated by everybody else, so while I don’t think she’s a maniac like Garrosh who would recklessly divide the Horde, she’s also not, I am forced to admit, necessarily the ideal Warchief from a political standpoint.

Even if he didn’t return to the post of Warchief, Thrall had a moral obligation after the Garrosh debacle to try to help hold the Horde together and heal the divisions his negligence caused. At least to throw his support behind Garrosh’s successors, and not to pretend that Deathwing’s death meant everything was OK forever, job done. And if he wasn’t going to do that (and he has excellent motivations for not wanting to do that!), I think the consequences of that have to be explored. I think some people would blame him, and be justified in doing so. I think somebody like Varok Saurfang, who has had decades of experience with the damage bad leaders could do, would rightly be a little pissed, even as he sought Thrall out for help, that Thrall had let the Horde he built languish under subpar leadership. Thrall has been selfish–and that’s great, because he desperately needed some character flaws more significant than “cares too much” and “believes in people a lot.”

Anduin: better than Varian, still a little bland? Varian was a Professional Idiot Ball Handler, who seemed to do stuff not out of a coherent conception of his character, but just because the plot required a Generic Human King to do it. Plus there was all that stuff with the cloning and the kidnapping that never really made any sense. I like Anduin’s optimism; I like that he feels like a thoughtful, reasonable guy, who’s doing his best in often-impossible circumstances. I feel like they could show him being a little more frustrated sometimes, though, and a little pissed at people like Jaina who obstinately refuse to do the strategically correct thing even if it means setting aside their resentments for a bit. Disclaimer: I play almost exclusively Horde toons, they may address this better in the Alliance quests in WoW.

But oh man, besides the Draenei, I hate most what they did to Jaina. Jaina was that rare jewel, an optimist in a world whose setting demands perpetual chaos. Yes, yes, Theramore and the mana bomb, I’m not suggesting she should be made of stone, but it breaks her character to have her suddenly go from someone trying to forge a lasting peace between the Horde and Alliance in WC3–to the point where she would see her own father dead–to someone who now blames the whole Horde as one no exceptions for what happened at Theramore. Should she struggle with grief and pain and anger? Absolutely. But she should deal with them in more complex ways than “now I am become the mirror image of Daelin.” Nevermind that even if she did that she should at least regret not listening to him back in WC3. (Do they address that in BFA with the introduction of Kul Tiras? Idk, I haven’t played BFA at all yet.) It seems like Jaina’s role now is to be the Person Who Hates The Horde, and honestly, that’s a tired trope. It’s just not interesting, it has no nuance, it has no interesting outcomes. You could maybe get away with it with the generation of leaders from the Second War like Daelin and Genn who knew the Orcs only as the fel-corrupted servants of the Burning Legion, but it’s obvious to anyone with two brain cells to rub together than the current Horde is a very different animal politically and strategically, so even if you hate the Orcs with a burning passion, that is not going to transfer to the Tauren, nevermind onetime allies like the Blood Elves.

Gul’dan: oh my god the time travel plot was so stupid. Did the whole universe get duplicated in the alternate timeline? Since travel between the universes is cheap and easy that means there’s a whole nother Burning Legion with a whole nother Sargeras out there that’s still a huge fricking threat! Not to mention a whole nother Azeroth! Did just Draenor get duplicated? That doesn’t seem to match up with the fact a lot of the Burning Legion characters in WoD seem to be parallel universe versions of Burning Legion villains we already know, but it’s not directly confirmed or disconfirmed. Is it some sort of weird Bronze Dragonflight timey-wimey thing that doesn’t have its own independent reality? Ok, fine, but obviously this alternate Draenor has enough of an independent existence for us to visit it again and see what it’s like decades later, not to mention bring some of the people there back. Gul’dan was a fine, if one-dimensional villain but bringing him back from the dead was dumb, dumb, dumb, in a setting where death often feels meaningless and seems to be reversible at random. And the general incoherence of magic in the setting combined with the perennial incoherence of time travel plots (Gollum voice: *we hates them!*) really just reduced WoD to a quivering mess of plot holes, like febrile fan speculation made manifest.

Tirion Fordring: good example of a purely heroic character done well, which WoW has few of. I think because he actually has challenges to overcome, and he doesn’t feel like an idiot.

Bolvar Fordragon: Literally did not know or care who this guy was until the Wrathgate cinematic, but what they did after that with his character was terrific, 10/10.

Malfurion, Tyrande, Illidan: These characters all bore me to tears. My WotLK main was a druid, and I’m a big fan of the druid lore, so I wanna like Malfurion, I really do, but he’s just so dull. Partly because it doesn’t feel like he has any real limitations on his power, just whatever the plot demands he be able to do or not do at any given moment, partly because he just feels like a stiff-necked scold. Tyrande is even more one-dimensional. Illidan is pure 3edgy5me, and the demon hunters in general feel like they get to be too cool to actually traffic in any of the pathos of what should be their emotional equivalents like the Death Knights and the Forsaken. It’s like, “oh man, my life is so tormented, I have these bitchin’ horns and tattoos, and I’m, like, totally immortal, here, hold my rad sword thingies for a second.” At least with the Death Knights you get the feeling that being a Death Knight is a genuinely miserable experience, so there’s some genuine conflict at the heart of the class: sure, you play as a hero, but not the kind of hero you’d necessarily want to be. Demon hunters are just pissed they don’t get to sit at the cool kids’ lunch table, and Illidan genuinely acts like a giant asshole and then gets self-righteous and whiny when his friends and family are like “Dude! Stop being such an asshole!” There’s room for a prickly character, who’s a dick, but who’s our dick, and maybe that’s what they were going for, but Illidan is just the worst.

Azshara, Lady Vashj: The Naga were a giant fucking mistake. A symptom of the inability to let backstory stay backstory, to have to resurrect and retread the same events over and over again that plagues serials when lesser writers without original ideas get let loose on them. Settings like WoW (like Star Wars, like Star Trek, like Dune) are whole universes. You should be expanding the borders, making them feel bigger, more fine-grained, more alive, not beating the same major characters to death over and over again. The ancient Kaldorei are way more interesting as a lost past and a lesson in hubris than fish-snake-people who live under the sea.

Also, water levels are dumb and I hate them. This applies to coral-and-shellfish themed zones regardless of whether swimming is involved.

Cho’gall: I loved the “insane nihilist death cult” reincarnation of the Twilight’s Hammer Clan in World of Warcraft, and Cho’gall as the many-eyed crazed ogre mage with two heads was great. Would much rather have more Cho’gall than Guldan 2.0.

While I’m on Cataclysm: one thing you don’t often feel in worlds like WoW is the possibility of real defeat, because for extradiegetic reasons, it’s impossible to truly lose in any long-lasting way (or, in quests like Battle for the Undercity in WotLK, they just… don’t let you, which feels dumb as heck). I’ve always been fascinated by the idea of a post-apocalyptic fantasy world, a world where the bad guys won, and all the worst things the good guys feared came to pass. I think this is one reason I loved the original interpretation of the Draenei so much, because we saw in Draenor what that really looked like. It was bleak, and it was poignant, and even though it was set within a silly melodrama, it actually moved me. Cataclysm did something similar with the postapocalyptic time-travel instance (time travel being used well for once in WoW!), where you saw that Deathwing’s victory wasn’t just an abstract possibility, but a thing that could actually happen. It made the possibility of defeat feel more real, and it gave you a taste of that same bleak, poignant feeling: this, it said (just for a moment!) is what failure looks like, an Azeroth without life, without hope, in which everything you ever struggled for was utterly in vain. And that motivated you to work even harder to prevent it.

Alleria, Turalyon: “You last saw us in WC2, and since then we’ve been fighting a thousand years (subjective) of endless war against the Burning Legion and been irrevocably changed by the experience” is actually pretty great! But if I were going to rewrite WoW lore, I would make that a thousand objective years and set the final victory over the Burning Legion in the future, at a time when the Alliance and Horde have made a durable peace, and Azeroth has moved on from decades of endless war. I think there’s a real problem with trying to make the player one of the heroes that brings down Sargeras for good because it’s *such* an epic battle, but it’s a massively multiplayer game. Making every player the grand master of their class order was bad enough, but when you are obviously playing out entirely different diegesis from everyone around you, even if you didn’t have problems like sharding and a glut of phasing and cross-server activities and instant teleportation to dungeons, it really feels like a single-player RPG with a chat function. I mean, conflicting diegeses is always going to be a problem with questing-based MMOs, but suspension of disbelief worked when you were plainly one person embedded in a larger effort, like in vanilla, BC, and WotLK. But “you are one of thousands of people who is the Best Warrior Ever and sole Leader of the Warriors, and who has the Only Artifact Weapon that somehow also has thousands of copies”… yeah, that just doesn’t work for me. I feel like I’m being pandered to, and not in a fun way, like with the Pandaren.

Sargeras: I like that they retconned Sargeras to have a better motivation than “demons made me nihilistic.” The idea of a void-corrupted titan being something so terrible a member of the Pantheon would shatter worlds to prevent it is interesting. But the Void gods still feel… kinda non-threatening? We don’t see them actively working to threaten anything we really care about, the Void is mostly a pretty passive abstract force like the Light, and in general I feel like the setting isn’t really dualistic, but er… trialistic? Is that a word? In that there’s a three-way opposition between the Void, the Light, and the Nether/Arcane, from the perspective of which each is the opponent of both of the others, but that’s never laid out explicitly anywhere.

#wow #wow lore #world of warcraft #sylvanas #thrall #jaina proudmoore #warlords of draenor was the WORST #and Legion wasn't much better plotwise

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pilferingapples · 5 years

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Tell me more about Marius and Montparnasse being mirror images of each other :3c

Since you ask, Nonny! But this will be a Long Post:

they really do get the same physical description:

Marius was, at this epoch, a handsome young man, of medium stature, with thick and intensely black hair, a lofty and intelligent brow, well-opened and passionate nostrils...As his mouth was charming, his lips the reddest, and his teeth the whitest in the world, his smile corrected the severity of his face, as a whole. At certain moments, that pure brow and that voluptuous smile presented a singular contrast. ( 3.6.1, Hapgood translation)

A lugubrious being was Montparnasse. Montparnasse was a child; less than twenty years of age, with a handsome face, lips like cherries, charming black hair, the brilliant light of springtime in his eyes; he had all vices and aspired to all crimes. 3.7.3

--both got that Snow White thing going on:P Hugo doesn’t bring in physical descriptions a lot in Les Mis; when he does, it’s for reasons beyond just painting a visual--generally to evoke a Type and/or some hefty Symbolism (always Some Symbolism, tbh, it’s Hugo).

More importantly, though, Hugo sets up Marius and Montparnasse as being different sides of the same virtue/vice. Marius gets chapters talking about Heroic he is and how his poverty actually improves his nature because Marius overcomes it by working . Montparnasse, by contrast, is led into a life of violent crime because he wants to be idle.

There is like... a World of Concepts to delve into there, but in contrast with Montparnasse , it’s clear what specific fate Marius is being saved from by his time of poverty. He is, by choosing to refuse either debt or the safety of his family wealth, essentially refusing to become the kind of wealthy asshole that Bamatabois and Tholomyes are. It’s a life that would be very easy for Marius to have-- a life that Gillenormand is even sort of pushing him towards, though Gillenormand would doubtless find Tholomyes sorts to be impossibly dull and classless. It’s a life Montparnasse is willing to kill for , literally. And it’s a nice damn life! --If you don’t mind being the absolute worst sort of person, a person who cares for nothing but image, and who lives at a self-imposed distance from everyone else; someone who helps no one and wouldn’t know where to start if they wanted to, but hurts a lot of people and never cares, because caring is ever so uncouth.

Hugo really does see idleness as massively dangerous, at best--a soul-destroying thing. It’s portrayed as an injustice that Valjean can’t get work , not just that he just can’t have food because Humans Need Food. Part of the wrong Tholomyes commits against Fantine is taking her away from the habit of work ; it’s an important part of her Hope Spot in M-sur-M that she gets to enjoy Honest Work again, and earning her living by labor. To force Idleness on to another, or lead them into a Lack Of Work, is treated in Les Mis as a moral wrong. For working people to not have work available is a condemnation of the system! Again, it’s not about money (though Hugo definitely thinks work should pay enough to live on), the work itself is treated as something essential. For someone to choose idleness for themselves by that logic is...what, practically moral self-harming?,and a kind of deep depravity.

(Hugo does not like this ideal of the dandy. He does like flâneurs, though! That’s definitely something I want to get into more later, given how often the two are conflated....)

Anyway, Montparnasse is damned by the exact vice that Marius saves himself by avoiding--a vice that is, in Hugo’s moral universe, a very big deal (as I try and fail to reckon with here). This makes Montparnasse the crucial Example A for Hugo’s insistence on the valorization of Marius’ decision to work through his poverty! Work redeems Marius from the dangers of Idleness--and for Hugo, those are real and desperate dangers, that really do lead to crime.

BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE!

Even before the Gorbeau raid, Marius is always vulnerable to the damnation of Idleness. He’s prone to slip from thinking into daydreaming; he veers away from work when he thinks it might cut into his independence and Reverie Time. The narrative is not entirely negative about this with Marius, but it is treated as a potential weakness-- something fine while, and only while, it’s kept in check by his habits of work and thought.

Because, post-Gorbeau mansion, Marius really does start to fall to the Demon of Idleness! He stops working altogether; he goes into debt, Gasp!; he loses the habit of work , he loses focus, he spirals into depressions and goes into pointless, directionless obsession with Cosette and starts spending all his time in The Field of The Lark, a field famous, though Marius doesn’t know it, for being the site of a murder . Murder most Romantic, yet, committed over a passion. Marius is, at this point, symbolically mixing the role of lover and killer; as Montparnasse also does, rather less symbolically.

And hey, why is Marius spiraling into The Hell of Idleness?

Because of A Girl. Or rather, because of the Ideal Future he’s projecting off his interactions with that girl. What was the Start of Darkness for Montparnasse, again?

The first grisette who had said to him: “You are handsome!” had cast the stain of darkness into his heart, and had made a Cain of this Abel. (3.7.3, Hapgood)

Now obviously the grisette who complimented Montparnasse isn’t responsible for his murders, any more than Cosette is responsible for Marius pining his life away in The Field of Dramatic Murder Symbolism. I don’t think Hugo means to genuinely blame the women for the men’s behavior at all-- but both Marius and Montparnasse do start their downward slide in pursuit of the elaborate head-canons about their own futures that a woman’s attention inadvertently sparked.

BUT WAIT !! THERE’S MORE!

Marius and Montparnasse are both romantic interests for Eponine (and both are dead ends, with Marius representing a healthy future that she can’t have and Montparnasse representing the doomed future she doesn’t want). Both of them try (ineffectually) to act as guides and friends to Gavroche. Both of them do feel a certain duty to Thenardier, not so much for his own sake--neither of them owe him squat-- as because of an existing sense of duty to others. Both of them do have a sense of loyalty to their friends, -- just as they share a potentially damning vice in Idleness, they both share a real virtue in their sense of loyalty and duty to comrades. Note that this is a real sense of duty and loyalty for Montparnasse as well as for Marius--he really does take a risk to free the rest of the Patron Minette! But Montparnasse has given that loyalty to horrible people for a horrible cause.

Also-- while they do both have a real sense of loyalty to their groups (groups where they are the junior members), they are also both prone to getting distracted from those friends and their goals by romantic interests-- Marius may be far more serious in his love for Cosette than Montparnasse in his flirting with Eponine, but they do both have this tendency to romantic distraction! That Marius, at the barricade, overcomes his to take his post again , while Montparnasse toooootally flubs his role in P-M’s Gorbeau scheme because it’s Flirting Time, is another manifestation of the Curse of Idleness, really.

So yeah: Two dark-haired fresh-faced young Romantic beauty types, sharing in common a (potentially) Fatal Flaw and a (potentially) saving Core Virtue, sharing similar relationships to their relative social groups and to specific characters. Both Very Good At Violence; both set into a new course of life by the sudden awareness of their potential future, prompted by a woman’s attention. --And I didn’t even get into the importance they both put on presentation (though in very different ways, again reflecting their crucial divergence)!

Montparnasse is who Marius might easily have become if he’d been willing to Coast on his money and status-- oh, Marius would have been a murderer in the way Tholomyes and Bamatabois are murderers, then, not likely the hands-on style Montparnasse has (though then again, Marius is prone to passionate overreaction...) . But, as the narrative links between Montparnasse and those two emphasize, it’s really not such a great difference. Montparnasse is the shadow haunting Marius, a reminder of why his dedication to work and independence is so crucial. And the ways Montparnasse and Marius diverge from each other are a constant, complicated combo of choices and circumstances changing very similar people into two utterly different lives.

#Montparnasse talk #Marius talk #long post #like...1500 words #RIP me #and also your dashes #Antithesis in Les Mis #Hey Nonny Nonny #answereds

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doodlelolly0910 · 5 years

Text

Hate Me

A/N: So I totally know I'm behind on posting other things and that you guys are waiting on updates but the thing is I haven't been able to write literally anything for going on three weeks now. This hit me from out of nowhere and demanded to be written so here it is. Fair warning, read the tags. This is not a happy fic. Based on Hate Me by Blue October. Thank you so so much to @artistic-writer for kicking me in the ass and encouraging me to post and also looking this over for me as well ❤❤

🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head

They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed

Flickering recollections of blonde hair, musical laughter, and verdant, knowing eyes were strangled off with the pull of the tight elastic around Killian's bicep. Just one more time, he thought to himself. If Emma was here, her uncanny ability to detect a lie would have her alarms blaring at that notion.

A bent spoon sat nearby on the counter curled around a tealight candle, the viscous liquid in its shallow reservoir nearly bubbling. He blew out the flame and watched as smoke curled away from the wick and slowly dissipated.

He caught a glimpse of his face in the mirror above the sink he stood in front of, eyeliner from his last show still in place but smudged around his blue eyes, making them look even more hollow than usual. His cheekbones stood out sharper than they used to, his beard a little more unkempt, dark hair flopping into his eyes. He could hardly recognize himself. He looked away quickly, unable to bear the sight anymore, and turned back to the task at hand.

Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone

Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home

Everyone had left hours ago, his bandmates off to the safety of slumber in their own hotel rooms. Like most nights for Killian Jones, sleep wouldn't come. That's how he found himself here. Emma was a thousand miles away and there was nothing to drown out the whisperings in his head of self loathing and inadequacy.

He picked up the sterile needle from the counter and uncapped it, flicking the little orange piece of plastic somewhere far into the recesses of nowhere he cared about. Who cared what housekeeping would think when they cleaned this up in the morning? This fix was all that mattered. He did the rest of it to himself, why not this, too?

There's a burning in my pride,

A nervous bleeding in my brain

An ounce of peace is all I want for you

Will you never call again?

He just wanted to hear her voice again. She'd begged him not to go, told him this tour would be the death of them. He'd thrown it back in her face, telling her this was his dream. He told her to come with him and God did he wish she would have. Or that he'd never left. Either of those options would have been better than what he was doing now.

He shook his head roughly, as if he could physically remove the thoughts rattling around in his brain. His resolve to shut everything out steeled within him as he dipped the sharp tip into the poison in the spoon and pulled back the plunger as he had a thousand times before.

And will you never say that you love me

Just to put it in my face?

And will you never try to reach me?

It is I that wanted space

The amount in the clear plastic column was slowly increasing, despite his shaky hands. He could feel his own heart rate begin to kick up in anticipation, a steady thumping in his chest that was a perfect mirror of the pounding thoughts in his head. When he was satisfied, he turned the needle upside down, watching as air bubbles floated through it like a lava lamp.

Images of the last time he was here rose up like bile in his throat. Emma screaming at him and hitting him in the chest, telling him that she loved him when he insisted no one could. She took more than she ever should have from him. And she loved him through it all. It was his own fault it hadn't been enough.

He squeezed the plunger on the needle, a dribble of fluid spurting from the top of it and he flicked the side of the plastic tube, making sure every trace of air was gone, along with every trace of the woman that once loved him.

Hate me today

Hate me tomorrow

Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways

Yeah, ways hard to swallow

Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

He hoped that she was happy somewhere without him. He wanted her to hate him, but not to forget him and all the pain he caused her. It would be easier for her to hate him and stay away where he couldn't damage her any further that way. She would be better off without him, that was certain. Killian Jones never did anything halfway, and that included being a fuck up.

He never deserved her, and this just proved it. Hooking the needle into the crook of his ring finger, he pulled one end of the elastic tubing up to his mouth and took the other end in his free hand, pulling the ends taut and cutting off his circulation further. His fingers searched out a vein, tapping it lightly when he located one. He didn't even feel the sting of the needle as it pushed past his skin.

I'm sober now for three whole months,

It's one accomplishment that you helped me with

The one thing that always tore us apart

Is the one thing I won't touch again

The three months leading up to where he was now had been the best and worst of his life. He'd been using for years after his brother died, something that had eroded the relationship he built with Emma. He was selfish and impetuous in the depths of his addiction, Emma the only bright spot in his darkness. When he came home one Christmas Eve to find Emma and all her belongings gone, nothing left behind but an apologetic note saying she couldn't watch him kill himself anymore, he knew he had to change.

He’d gone to rehab for thirty days. If Killian believed in hell, he imagined it would be like that. He'd never been so sick in his life. Shaking, sweating, clammy skin, throwing up constantly, every square inch of his body aching so deeply he was sure he'd never recover, but none of that touched the pain of his broken heart. He resolved he would never touch drugs again if he could have Emma back.

When he came home, it was good. He apologized to Emma, but she was hesitant to believe him. He didn't blame her. He worked hard to earn her trust back and eventually, about two weeks after he left rehab, she came home.

In the month or so that followed, he and Emma had been stronger than ever. He felt alive again for the first time in years. Slowly, he let the aches and pains in his soul be soothed by her love instead of quick fixes. Every night he fell asleep with her in his arms, breathing in her scent, he thanked his lucky stars that she'd given him another chance.

It was all gone now as he stumbled back away from the sink. The latex around his arm loosened slightly and allowed the drug to begin its course through his bloodstream as he slumped against the wall and sank to the floor.

In a sick way I want to thank you

For holding my head up late at night

While I was busy waging wars on myself,

You were trying to stop the fight

The effect was instantaneous. He could practically feel his eyes dilating and his muscles going slack. The chemistry of his body began to change and euphoria took the place of aching sadness. The self doubt quieted.

Before he'd gone down the path to redemption, he'd chased this feeling incessantly. Blissful exhilaration filled the empty spaces and sealed the cracks of his broken heart. Killian closed his eyes and let the rolling ecstasy the high brought wash over him in waves. He never wanted to come down.

He knew he would come down eventually, though. That was the downside of this whole arrangement. He couldn't count how many times Emma had held his face above a toilet, trying to wake him up and keeping him from drowning in his own sick. Those moments he wasn't the proudest of, but it never stopped him from seeking more, craving that next high, doing whatever it took to get it.

No matter what the cost.

She was his savior in so many ways. On bad days when it felt like he would suffocate under the weight of his own depression, she was there to help him through it. He lied and stole from her to get a hookup, and she stood by him. She'd pulled him out of himself when he couldn't see anything else but the drugs and crippling sadness. He owed her his life, however worthless and miserable it may have been.

You never doubted my warped opinions

On things like suicidal hate

You made me compliment myself

When it was way too hard to take

There was never a question that Killian Jones hated himself. He was full of cockiness and bravado outwardly, an insatiable flirt, charming, friendly, the total package. Inside, he was a different man. One that wanted to hurt on the outside as much as he did on the inside.

It worked for a time. Before he was getting high, he got into fist fights at the pubs and was increasingly reckless with his body. Between bouts of the adrenaline rushes his injurious endeavors would lead him too, the true sadness settled into his soul. A friend of a friend offered him his first hit at a party celebrating the band's first record deal and Killian was instantly hooked. The heroin filled that void, if only for a short time.

Emma understood. She'd never experimented with self harm or drugs the way that he had, or at all, really, but she knew what it was like to have such a hollow sense of devastation in her soul that was near unshakeable some days. They'd lay awake all night some nights, her blonde hair splayed over his bare chest, the tendrils weaving with the dark curls there as they mused over mortality and the fragility of the human form.

But she would always end her musings with a soft smile, telling him that she really did love herself now. She knew she was strong and independent and all the things she had sought to be when she was young. And she would make him say it too.

“Aye, love,” he would tell her. “I'm a good person. I just hurt.”

Now, he chuckled ruefully from his place on the floor at the memory.

“Look at me now,” he said bitterly to the empty room. “The epitome of greatness.”

So I'll drive so fucking far away

That I never cross your mind

And do whatever it takes in your heart

To leave me behind

The best and worst thing about him leaving on this tour was the distance he was able to put between himself and Emma. She warned him if he left, she wouldn't be there when he returned. It was too soon in his recovery for him to be doing this. He knew it was. He thought he could be strong enough to hold it together, though, if he knew Emma was waiting for him when he came back home.

His obstinacy and foolhardiness ultimately led him to where he was now. He thought she'd give in, either come with him or wait for him. He was convinced this tour was the right thing for him and his band. All the way right up until Emma was walking out the door again.

He sighed, the plastic needle rolling out of his rapidly numbing fingertips and away from him on the floor. His eyes struggled for focus and his breaths became deeper, more labored, as he fought for consciousness.

This was something he hadn't experienced before.

Hate me today

Hate me tomorrow

Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways

Yeah, ways hard to swallow

Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

“...He was here an hour ago, I swear. Maybe he's just taking a shower,” a voice Killian vaguely recognized permeated the thick haze he'd settled into from beyond the closed bathroom door. Robin, his best friend and drummer. His heartbeat began to feel sluggish in his chest as he let his head loll towards the source of the sound.

His heart nearly stopped altogether when he heard a response to his friend’s words from another voice he hadn't ever expected to hear again.

“It's okay, Robin. I can check,” Emma said and Killian began to panic. Emma was here. His Emma, light of his life, and he was drowning in the throes of darkness. He had to get up, had to cover this, she couldn't see him this way. She just couldn't. His arm twitched uselessly at his side, his body refusing to cooperate with his attempts to right himself and save her from seeing him like this again.

It had never been like this before. Something was very wrong.

His vision began to darken at the edges as the bathroom door clicked open and a horrified shriek filled the air.

“Killian, oh my God, no, no, NO!”

And with a sad heart, I say bye to you and wave

Kicking shadows on the street

For every mistake that I had made

“Killian, open your eyes. Killian, please,” Emma begged. He felt her hands come up to frame his face, her fingers tapping firmly against one of his cheeks. From the last vestiges of his awareness, he somehow summoned the strength to comply. Tears were flowing freely down her face and she gave a wobbly smile as his eyes fluttered open.

“Hey, hey, you're okay,” she said, a false brightness to her words, sobs catching on every syllable. “Just stay with me, okay? Don't close your eyes.” It was all he could do to keep his dimming blue eyes fixed on her watery green. The pain and fear that had taken up residence there was almost more than he could bear. He couldn't believe she was actually here with him.

“I need an ambulance at the Atlantic Cove Hotel. My friend, he's… he's overdosed…” Robin said frantically into the phone pressed to his ear. Killian could hear him speak, but it was of little consequence. All that existed for him in that moment was Emma. “Uh, heroin, I believe. His girlfriend is trying to keep him awake… Yes, room 154, please hurry...”

And like a baby boy,

I never was a man

Until I saw your green* eyes cry,

And I held your face in my hand

And then I fell down yelling,

"make it go away!"

“God dammit, Killian, why? What did you do?!” Emma screeched, batting the needle away from where they sat and pulling the rubber tubing off of his arm. She was unable to keep the devastation and hopelessness from her tone as she checked him over, her chest heaving with panicked sobs.

He couldn't believe she was here with him. He couldn't believe he was doing this with her again. And this time, he was losing in the worst possible way. He wasn't sure even she could save him now.

“You can't fucking leave me, you hear me? You are not allowed to do this,” she told him. He almost wanted to laugh at the absurdity of her demands. Instead, a tear tracked down his cheek and buried itself in the overgrown stubble lining his jaw. She seized his hand and pressed it to her own tear stained cheek. “Please don't leave me Killian. You can't. Not now. I can't do this on my own.”

A lump rose in his throat, strangling the shallow breaths he was drawing further as he flexed his fingers against her face, just wanting to feel her.

“God, make this stop,” he slurred. “Make it go away…”

Just make her smile come back

And shine just like it used to be

And then she whispered,

"How can you do this to me?"

“Ambulance is on its way,” Robin told Emma. His eyes flickered over to Killian's face, wide and full of fear at what was happening to his friend. He still had the phone pressed to his ear, listening to instructions the operator was relaying to him.

Killian was losing the battle, of that he was certain. Each blink of his eyes lasted longer than the last. The words in the room became garbled and far away. Suddenly, he couldn't remember the last time he opened his eyes.

“Killian!” Emma was screaming now. “Killian wake up! Don't you fucking dare! Don't you dare! Please!”

“Mate!” Robin’s voice was much closer now, and Killian could feel his body pliantly shifting under the force of a large hand shaking his shoulder. “Bloody hell, he's not breathing!”

“How could you do this to me?” Emma whispered against his ear.

Hate me today

Hate me tomorrow

Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways

Yeah, ways hard to swallow

Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

Killian no longer felt anything except for the awareness of movement as consciousness faded. All sensation was gone from his limbs as he was pulled away from the wall and splayed out on the tiled floor. A weight shifted on top of him and pressure built on his chest, a force driving into it over and over and over. Voices blended together and lips sealed over his, foreign air filling his lungs.

Banging sounded out and someone was prying open his eyes, his vision filling with a bright light and faces he didn't recognize. Emma stood nearby in Robin's arms, his embrace seemingly the only thing that was keeping her upright. Her hands were tented over her mouth and her shoulders shook with the force of her muffled cries as the paramedics continued to work on him, resuming the repetitive pressure on his chest.

He wanted to apologize, he wanted to tell Emma to leave, he wanted to never have gone down this road again. He wanted so many things. Sparks in his brain began misfiring and all he could see was Emma. Until he could see nothing at all.

God, he hoped she hated him now. Maybe then she could move on.

For you

#captain swan #cs ff #cs ff au #csff #song fic #hate me #blue october #dark fic #TW: drug use #TW: drugs #tw: overdose #TW: drug overdose #tw: character death #character death #major character death #cs angst #angst #tw: suicidal ideation #tw: death

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elizabethrobertajones · 5 years

Text

14x03 watching notes

Just finished watching and said, out loud and to no one: “Awww Jack.”

(This is not a spoiler, he’s just so sweet.)

Hallo, I am watching from bed despite having 3rd hand inherited a 2nd monitor over the weekend so theoretically my watching experience would be back to giant comfortable side-typing glory.

But comfy.

Easily accessible stuffed toys because Bobo Fucking Berens in Dabb era has made me cry more at this dumb show in the last couple of years than I cried in the previous ten.

Expectations: it's our Dean episode to make up for no Dean until now, and also Jody is there to see Sam's beard, and also Cas continues to be party!Cas, and Jack's shirts get darker and darker.

Side note: I think I was rushing out the door before I could talk about our lil Nougat of Denmark properly last episode where he was all, so we're killing my uncle then, and Cas was all D: D: D: D: D: who raised you. (Dean. Dean did. In this regard the boy is his father's son.) This, of course, is another Shakespearean irony than is being returned to Dean via Jack.

The point of this focus is very much to show Jack vs Cas mindsets on it when we're getting Dean returned to us, and I assume considerably more nuance is being added to the story. But for now, Jack being ready to kill his father to kill his uncle because his father was ready to kill him to kill the ghosts he saw of his enemies in Jack is more than enough of a pile of tragedy level angst to be working with.

I just need it to be clear that as far as I'm concerned, Jack is working in a completely different genre from EVERYONE ELSE around him, and the fact that it's the protagonist of a tragedy is fairly alarming, as it's a mindset that Sam, Dean and Cas have hurdled over since season 5/6 and though Dean still assumes he'll die bloody, he is at least capable of dreaming of a happy ending, and a lessening of the angst load has allowed that. Their personal stakes in the story are dwindling, in a sense, while Jack has showed up with like FOUR FATHERS and an evil uncle, which is so much potential family angst Shakey would have exploded. "Wait you can just addeth extra fathers thence addeth extra angst!?!?"

Yes my dude, yes.

*hits play* *Sam ruggedly cocks his pistol* You're stealing this whole shtick from Dean and I think it is time for the angst that you were the one dramatically cocking a gun and being the yes reductive heteronormative blah blah penis of the dynamic while Dean was not there to do it.

Oh no we immediately start with more Jack angst recap and aside from everything I just said I remembered that Bobo personally murdered me in 13x03 with the Jack n Sam stuff and here we are a year later.

Mr Stark I don't feel so good

THE BEARD EXCHANGE IS LITERALLY THE OPENING SCENE. BOBO I LOVE YOU. Thank you for breaking the tension and immediately drawing attention to how Sam has been busy and miserable. I think 14x01 set up well that every time he even had a moment to sigh his phone would ring again, and hence the beard appears as Sam eskews personal grooming and comfort in exchange for finding his brother. Jody is gonna draw attention to it at some point too because we have the promo shot of her nice peach fuzz-ing him, and I sincerely hope this is bookends to the episode and the next episode Sam is clean shaven with no comment except Jody prodded him in the face, and let me tell you only Bobo has me fantasising about the narrative framing of an episode like this.

God i'm a nerd

Anyway more seriously, this exchange coming out of the blue has a clear motive: Dean is up and about, still so freshly de-Michaeled he's in a waistcoat (and LORDY the only other scene he was in a waistcoat? 7x12's ending scene where Sam turns into such a moron in Jody's presence he's waving blushily at the door still AFTER SHE HAS GONE). Complaining about not being able to eat and sleep might be a sense of hyperbole to catch given the lack of elapsed time, but it also warns us that this might be how Dean reacts to being un-Michaeled. Or would he not, given he's up and about and snarking like his old self? How damaged will he be and how much can he repress into snark? He is playing off the very idea that this experience will have been damaging to his psyche and of course Michael did a ton of stuff which was expressly tuned to BE damaging to his psyche, then punched a mirror and shattered Dean's reflection for extra emphasis.

So all this question of how Dean is doing is loaded into the very opening line before he's even taken off his waistcoat, or of course, had enough time to truly eat/sleep/develop massive tells of the psychological trauma he may or may not have taken.

Obviously the show wouldn't be the show if he were fine, so I'm taking it as a question posed.

Then of course it slides into Bro Banter to prove it's Dean, remind us JUST how much we missed this snarky genre savvy fucker, and to make Sammy smile.

Also we're mocking Jared for being friends with that one Duck Dynasty guy who Jared's fans insist is the least awful of the bunch and also who you end up hanging out with when you're most embedded in the Texan stardom scene rather than living in Hollywood or whatever.

(God imagine being famous and from Atlanta and sticking true to your roots and you end up with the Queer Eye guyses as your BFFs instead)

Listen Bobo showed his socialist party membership card on twitter, he has no fucks to give about waving his politics around and I love him.

"If you're going to ask if I'm okay, you don't have to" (I am making fun of your beard, what more do I have to give you, bro?)

Buddy, I have been watching your face for over a decade and you have the sad tired pink eyelids of a Dean who is both tired and miserable.

Oh NO Dean walks into the main room expecting his comfy quiet library and war room full of 3 trusted family faces, and finds the bustle of Boss Sam's operation. The upcoming noise of these people before he turns the corner is an immediate warning that we should have expected this as dramatic irony for Dean's comfort levels from the start, and now he's back, well.

Panicked eyes.

He needs quiet recovery with his peeps, not alarming sudden change. A rug pull immediately after possession is a terrible thing to deal with. I've been wondering if this is a full reverse of season 6 for Dean - from the trustability of the hunter compound to the fact he lives in it, to the Samuel running it. But the effect is the same. Dean comes back from quiet time off to a change he can't handle and Sam in a new position in a family/hunter heirarchy. In this case, not Samuel's soulless goon, but a fully bearded Boss Sam King Of Hell Sir who Runs Shit competently in a way we the viewer trust implictly as Sam having Done Well, and also that the AU peeps might be a bit rough or untrained in some ways but 100% reliable in that they really do have no ulterior motive and every reason to think of Sam as an AU Moses who popped up and walked them to another land of safety and comfort.

Like, Dean, welcome back, you have Hamlet, Moses and Mobby to deal with. Cas seems to be the same as you left him, though. If somehow, impossibly, squintier.

"Right, Chief told us"

GOD I MISSED JENSEN'S MICRO EXPRESSIONS

You know how Michael sucks? No micro expressions. Guy doesn't have an anxious bone in his body.

This little bundle of neuroses I have chosen to love is full on having a meltdown on the other hand.

"Dean? Is it really you?" "Hey kid"

HUG. THE. BOY.

I suppose this is better than last year when he had a hug from a shapeshifter and had to wait to episode 6 for a hug from his father, but REALLY this season has been tormenting me with how bad Jack feels and even a hug from his gramgram isn't enough to satisfy how he should have been hugged by Sam, Cas and now Dean already this season.

We're only on epiode 3 and he's already got more hugs than he had this point last year. Deep breaths, Lizzy

Children need a lot of cuddles to affect their development into sensitive people okay? Dean got a lot of hugs up to age 4 and Sam basically did not, and he's an awkward moose and Dean is snuggly. I want Nougat to have the same development into a sensitive lad because he has EIGHTEEN FUCKING PARENTS AND NONE OF THEM HUG HIM

CAS HEARD 'DEAN' FROM ACROSS THE BUNKER, ARRIVES IN A BLUR

GOOD NOUGAT, HUG DEAN.

But like, dude, Cas just showed up at a run and made the gooiest eyes at Dean who made them back, and now you're officially cockblocking, so naff off, kid

I watched with prayer hands and Cas just got gooier and Dean got sulky he didn't get a Cas hug and this is officially the worst. Bobo, you let me down, my guy.

I mean no, Cas's gooey eyes were

...

Cas doesn't do gooey eyes. He squints. Squintily.

Who is this guy

Lol Mobby aren't in the episode because they stayed back to clean up - Sam gets stammery to Jack. Is he scared to imply they're maybe banging because he finds it weird but everyone else present is an even worse audience to announce this to for one reason or another (historically coped much better with the concept of dad sex when discovering adam and also didn't drive the car off the road into a ditch on finding out mary banged ketch), or is he trying to protect Jack from the concept of Michael leaving a pile o dead bodies for one reason or another, knowing Michael is his rage button?

He was the one who dealt with Jack trying to stay back in the AU to fight Mikey instead of just coming home.

"Speaking of clean up, I need a shower" *gestures vaguely* *Cas opens his mouth like why did I have a reaction image here? Do you want -* *closes mouth* *dean leaves*

Guys. You fucking suck. Go take a shower together and work things out.

"Still okay, I promise" *bisexual finger guns at Cas*

cut to: Cas squinting after Dean like "is he implying something"

"..."

"I really feel like he was trying to communicate something to me"

"..."

"I have no idea what Dean just hinted loudly to me twice in short succession and now that he has gone to shower I guess I will never know what he was attempting to communicate to me"

"Where's Nick?" "Hopefully not in this episode. Let's just say he needs some time because he's in a dark place and hope that's ALL we have to say about him"

Oh no. "Sam. Dean. How is he really?"

Cas has a one track mind.

But then we get the shot of Dean opening his door and they're still talking about him over the top of it, but it's that same shadowed shot of himself silhouetted in the doorway, the inner darkness represented by his room... Sam went into his and stripped himself of the tools in his pocket but before he could sleep, Jo called and set them all off again with the next lead.

Now Dean opens his door and turns on the light so we can see his inner self in a moment of peace and privacy, but essentially with a voice over about how he's super not okay.

Just how we left it. You can't even tell that for the last 2 episodes/3 weeks Cas has been coming in and snuggling your pillow every time he's not in a scene because where the fuck was he inbetween scenes in 14x02

God I have missed lingering shots of Dean's room, equating his inner space to his inner feelings. *paws lovingly at the shot* Dean's room all tidy and orderly and as he left it, yet feeling somehow very very empty and off-kilter in an unfamiliar way because he hasn't been here for so long.

It was all serious then guitar music started playing as Dean started stripping

and look

I saw the promo pics

you saw the promo pics

some person in the audience is like... why are we lingering on Dean getting undressed alone in his room while guitar music kicks up?

Is this what all that winking and finger gun action was about?

(Dean didn't wink but I took a lil break to chat with Mittens and the moment has evolved into him gurning at the door for like a minute trying to remind Cas that this means he joins him in the shower in 5)

"Fuck this shirt in particular"

I still think it was the audacity of wearing a bow tie that dragged Dean to the surface last episode

I love how Dean changes from this plain white t-shirt which is completely clean and shiny, into his normal dark dark brown shirt between scenes. I hope he got to shower. Whatever happened, this scar could have said "Ha ha ha I'm behind you", and he would have finished stripping down right to the skivvies then started fresh with his own boxerbriefs before freaking out and rushing to show the others.

But yeah, he's PISSED and embarrassed about Michael. You don't throw a guy's shirt on the floor like that unless you feel SERIOUSLY used, and here we end up with a creepy sort of STD metaphor, complete with the visual similarity to the clap: https://www.giantmicrobes.com/uk/products/clap.html

Bad fling, Dean?

Poker!witch gave Sam the clap in the episode which was totally not a metaphor about Sam getting the clap then beating poker!witch at his own game like nearly 20 episodes before he was possessed by Lucifer then beat him at his own game.

"Do the whole vulcan mind meld thing" Listen, James T Kirk, you can't just MAKE yourself one of the most iconic slash pairings of all time by comparing - wait

wait a minute

*Checks slash history books and sees them as a dictionary definition or two*

Anyway.

Dean's so eager for Cas to jump into his head. Just, like. Again. We all said it but immediately after that shirt throw? It REALLY emphasises that Dean sees Cas in this transcendant way to being used by an angel that got in his head. And left an STD mark on his arm. He can just immediately think, well, that sucked. But here's MY angel and I'm just gonna rev myself up and present my head for inspection and this isn't even a thing I'm concerned about. Hit me, big guy.

Oh come the fuck on Bobo.

I didn't have time to hit pause to have a heart attack about Cas putting his hand over The Scar, the one on the wrong shoulder, to get a clearer reception, because there's a HISTORY in scars, okay? They leave a mark and to the discerning poker and prodder like Cas that history can be read in the mark... And Cas sees... Michael being stabbed by a spear. Not just, like. Seeing Michael being stabbed by a spear, mind you. He sees it in a Bobo episode in a way wildly reminiscent of Patience seeing Claire/Kaia getting stabbed by a VERY SIMILAR LOOKING SPEAR and getting her Wayward introduction that way, when the whole Dreamhunter thing ended up being a massive Destiel parallel and Kaia getting stabbed already mirrored CAS getting stabbed by a spear (Michael's, natch) in 12x12, never mind the other stuff.

So Bobo has just built up a Destiel Dreamhunter sandwich, with Destiel nonsense either side, complete with bonus shoulder scar imagery, and a nice gooey dreamhunter centre.

Bobo, if you hadn't noticed, is really really really really reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally bitter he isn't off writing Wayward Sisters and hanging with his girls.

There's still a bunch of stuff to add up here, about why and who and how it all connects, which would involve dragging in these other spear-y episodes to assemble the full picture, so I'm just gonna hit play now I'm recovered from the shock :P

Oh dude it was a hooded figure who even LOOKED like bad Kaia and tbh at this point I'd say maybe even was?

Like, how many pronged spears are out there anyway and Jody's dealing with it so is it local? Did Michael pop up on Kaia like hey so you and I are both from alternate universes, what do you wa - OW FUCK JESUS FUKKIN CHRIST -

"Dean, who was that?"

Dean recognised her, and Cas was mind-melded enough with him to know that Dean did... Good grief I can not handle Dean and Cas existing on an emotional plane.

It's enough to mean they're the ones who call Jody with a tip off for HER rather than months of them asking her to help THEM.

Introducing us back to the Wayward world - South Dakota mug, and a text that Claire is a little angel who has been training her gals and even did the laundry.

I'm so happy

Eyebrow raise

God, Kim Rhodes is the most beautiful woman on the whole show and that's saying something considering, like. Ruthie. Lisa Berry. Something about the way she uses her face is so full of intelligence and humour that I am HELPLESS in her presence

God damn I want that fabled Girls' Night episode. Billie comes along too on a night off.

Rowena calls her up for chats sometimes these days, they're actually really good pals.

Sam you fucking moron you can't even finish a sentence in her presence. Just slap Dean on his WOUNDED arm and throw the ball to him.

Everyone leaning over the phone... This is the closest Cas has ever come to Jody.

"Jody, that's the good news."

Jody recognises that gravelly voice and snaps to holyshitanangel attention. "What's up?"

The implicit thing here is that Cas and Jody know each others' voices and are on at least chatting acquaintance. I would like to think they're invited over for beer at the same time but we have no proof..................... yet. This is Bobo on a "fuck you" rampage so I'm just, like, gonna wait see.

Bad Kaia has been going around ripping heads off things. DAMN, GIRL.

Considering the placement of the pronging was ~random~, in the sense that she can meat fork you anywhere, that means the placement of it on the meat of Dean's arm where the handprint once was on the other is even MORE significant in a metaphorical sense, of writing about "the scar" in the way of giving it a mystical property tied into the wider framework of all these relationships and events at once. The amount piled onto a simple stabbing is unbelievable, and the use of the scar as the vector for all this is definitely the byline of the episode given the title and all. It's brought Kaia back to us, given Jody the clue she needs.

And more dramatic irony that Claire was just asking to help, and Jody was like DEFINITELY HUMAN, SO ALL MINE. HAHAHA. And now we know, no, it's not all "human", it's bad!Kaia and that makes her CLAIRE'S.

I keep stopping to seal clap

it's 7:20am

Cas is packing up to leave with them!!!

And Jack looms blurrily into the background in his darkest t-shirt yet. And he's been RAPIDLY cycling through them.

In a sense this is good laundry practice, in order that you have a full load of lights followed by a full load of darks.

Metaphorically, however, this is BAD.

Jack sounds pissed they're all wearing jackets and packing bags, and he's wandering around in an over-sized dark grey t-shirt (one of Dean's? AUBobby's? It doesn't look like his standard fare which fits his body, this makes him look SMOL), with no idea we were off to kill the wizard.

Let's be charitable and say he wants to meet Jody and hang out with Kaia again.

But more likely Bobo is once again messing with Jack's inherent darkness in his presentation, especially as right now, once again while Jack is being The Sweetest Little Cookie, meeting his grandparents for ice tea and looking through the family photo album with misty eyes, he is ALSO Prince Nougat of Denmark and this is causing some serious darkness slippage because, well, revenge. Revenge is bad, kiddo. Don't need a ghost of your dead father (hey Dean's back) to tell you that.

The accusatory tone is enough to warn us that Jack's not doing so well and I'm going to assume drags Cas away from a mission with Dean followed by cooldown eating pizza and watching flicks with the girls.

"Kaia's killer is in Sioux Falls" Buddy. "He, she or it can hurt Michael" BUDDY.

I suppose they're bringing Cas because Bad Kaia kicked their asses and they assume Cas is the same height as her pet/metaphor for Kaia's inner fucked-up-ness so he can probably fight it??

"Michael's my enemy too! I fought him. For MONTHS." JACK sweetie. You can't just go around like, having an enemy list. And comparing it with your collective fathers' list.

The line about bringing Kaia into it and being responsible for what happened to her is good, though. Jack's got a social consciousness and that is lovely because he keeps doubting his goodness but when it comes down to it he wants to meet his grandparents and feels bad that Kaia got dragged into things and killed.

Of course, not realising this is Bad Kaia, they're all off to get MORE revenge on that thing that killed her.

Aw, Dean, no, don't point out how smol he is. He's wearing a huge baggy shirt to emphasise it already.

"I didn't - I didn't MEAN to be a dick" Whoops. Well, you were. You also missed the part where Jack went from smol precious child to angsty teen.

Fun fact: Hamlet was supposed to be like 18 or whatever, but because a famous actor wanted the lead role but was like, idk, 50, Shakey bumped up Hamlet's age a lil so he could get away with it, making him more of, like, a giant manbaby who is still functionally a teen in all ways except he keeps getting portrayed by middle aged men.

So, of course, we have our one and a half year old Nougat who is a 29 year old actor now getting into his terrible teens, and if that isn't the funnest nugget of trivia...

... then you are not as much of a nerd as I am about irony, coincidence, and neat overlaps of thingies.

Point is: get me a version of Hamlet where the other expected actors are adults of course, but Horatio and Hammy and his squad are dumb teens.

Lol Bobo just randomly introduces a cool lady hunter who is dragging a random victim of a hex down into the bunker to be healed by an angel. That poor girl is going to have a story to tell.

A lot just happened in a few seconds but at least Jack, who has stormed off for his nth teenage sulk of the season, now has a Cas trapped in the Bunker with him.

Dean n Sam gonna get their asses kicked by Bad Kaia

honestly is this just a ploy not to keep Cas where Jack is, but to keep Misha away from stunt fighting?

Anyway Dean communicates most of the above to Cas silently, and tells him that he should stay with Jack and also heal this girl and they have the most married eye conversation about what needs to be done, which is wonderful that they've been having these silent conversations all Dabb era but this is definitely the wordiest so far. I mean one of their more recent was just "Dean I can hear that cowboy music in your head" "what cowboy music?"

DEAN DOESN'T EVEN LOOK THRILLED TO BE DRIVING BABY AGAIN.

Sam mostly looks concerned he's hitting 80mph

I don't know anything about American speed limits but this is an alarming speed to me because in the UK 70 is usually like, the Most, and we don't have enough long straight roads that when there's no speed limit it's ever really recommended to go super fast because you will flip your car and die because all our roads are one and a half car length wide and extremely wiggly. And our motorways are congested enough you're more likely to be in a traffic jam than top speed anyway :P

I love that Dean measures people by their favourite Spice Girl. Hey Dean the 90s called, they want their pop culture relevance back.

You gay icon you.

(I'm reminded of 12x07 and Bobo and a similar conversation where Dean listed off all his manly manly historical faves)

Dean thinks Cas can handle it back home :')

"Something huge happened and you won't really talk about it!"

Okay Sam, he's traumatised and that's surface text.

You do realise the entire massive subtext is his repression and yet another metaphor for some huge queer experience and that this is the same conversation as 10x04 when he was grumbling into his chin about being embarrassed about what he did with Crowley? You realise that right?

Stop poking him about it, he'll talk when he's ready to open up. In the mean time he's feeling used and ashamed that this fling didn't go as planned after the whole first flirtation with waving his wings around and killing Lucifer where it all seemed fun to embrace his ~true self~ and have a crack at being a Flaming Michael Sword.

Also of course, we might just take him on his word that he really does NOT remember most of everything that happened because if he was truly repressing that much he wouldn't have been so gung ho for Cas to read his mind earlier but this mood pre-dates that so even if he remembered everything when Cas poked his brain, which seems unlikely as Cas saw it too, the wider sulk about his Clap Scar is more than just this.

It's a common experience, though, that Dean is repressed and moody, and Sam barrels in there trying to make him talk about it before he's ready, so the pressing is in character, regardless, that Sam doesn't trust that Dean is telling the whole truth and that there's some huge secret he's holding back.

The best part of queer subtext is that whether there is one or not it works - if there isn't, it's a metaphor for the obvious. If there is, same as above but the metaphor is concretely attached to whatever Dean is not telling Sam, and that in turn then becomes a part of the queer subtext, offered up on a platter to tell us more about how Dean is handling his post-possession shame of being, essentially, roofied after thinking he'd agreed to a consensual fling with a dude on his terms of entry and no strings attached, no walk of shame like he did when he was undressing earlier.

Poor guy can not catch a break. Shoulda hooked up with Aaron when you had the chance so your first time having a dude in you wasn't such a big deal, but just a nice booty call to keep in your phonebook. Now it's all Crowley this, Michael that...

"We need to deal with it." "Okay, I'm literally going EIGHTY to deal with it"

Dean, that's.

that's not therapy

"How can I be running from something when I'm RACING towards it" "I don't know, it's kinda your thing"

Sammy boy you have been trapped in the same car as Dean for way too long. Your analysis is getting deep. Deep deep cuts. Leave him alone.

I mean this is a guy who dealt with a gay panic by hooking up with Crowley and singing karaoke for him so.

"I just *need* you to talk to me. Slow down."

Oh SAM you said a good and interesting combo of words there. Dean, go 70 instead of 80, give us some time to feel this out because I've been FREAKED and, for you, you got a time skip but I lived it all real time and it SUCKED, and I'm hurt too by this. Reminder: our family does not do well with LOSING each other, and this is every conversation we've ever had post-thinking that happened, and I did things responsibly and grew a beard and became Boss of a bunch of peeps and also King of Hell but we'll talk about that later... Like, slow down. I have my issues too. There's 2 of us in this car and you can't go 80 and time skip to the end of this conversation either. Not when I have 3 weeks of angst packed into it.

Also: classic Sam projection. Trying to get Dean to open up because HE has pain he wants to air, instead of just bringing up how he felt, he tries to get Dean to open up, and when this continues, as always, not to be how Dean deals with things, Sam gets upset because it never gives him the opening to talk about his shit until it's an argument...

You could have just started the convo, sorry about the beard, I really mean it when I say I haven't had a moment to myself for 3 weeks, it's been HELL and funny I should mention Hell, er, did you know you can kinda just declare yourself king these days... heh

At least he's using racing metaphors about wanting to catch up and also, like, catch up

Dean responds to the sport metaphors

Dean is like nah call Jody we're almost there. I skipped ahead.

Look, I'm delivering you to your boo, what more do you want?

Jody smiles at the sight of them in a way which is almost as revolting as Cas smiling at seeing Dean again

Hugs!

Send Jody to the Bunker to HUG OUR BOY

"How'd you do it?" "What, me vs some assbag archangel? Who would you pick?" "You, every time."

And this, guys, is how Jody is never, ever patched into their angst, because they present a narrative where Dean just kinda chucked off Mikey and sent him packing and it's all cool and he's a hero.

Jody has at multiple points threatened to beat Dean into submission in order to hear a true version of how he's doing and he has so far not given in and sat at her kitchen table with a box of tissues to sob through his crap, but I hold out eternal hope like the fool I am.

Anyway it's also telling RIGHT AFTER that last conversation where Sam was probing Dean so intensely, that this is the version of "I'm fine" that Dean is going with, and even though Sam KNOWS there's more to it, this is the wall Dean is projecting, even to him. Even when he knows Dean is freaked by it and doesn't know all the details.

Jody goes up like 18 pitches "Heeey I liiIIIiiike it!" she squeaks, forcefully tweaking Sam's beard because "nice peach fuzz" is too understated both for Jody and the volume of facial hair Sam has produced without comment until Dean came back and Jody showed up.

Dean has never been so offended in his life

*Jody continues giggling to herself while Sam desperately looks for a normal conversation*

AHAHA "I haven't been home since I talked to her........... I may be avoiding her"

Yeaaaah, bringing up that it's not just a normal human beheading and weird stab mark, but ALSO a KAIA-RELATED ONE maaay be... too much.

i'm going to be honest I've been so thrilled about everything I forgot to check what cast is flashing up on the screen

Anyway there is very much a subtext to Jody's avoidance of telling Claire what's going on that she knows how much she loved Kaia and how much of an issue this is - even if it's gonna be for revenge, because they don't know it's Bad Kaia - this is something where Claire's feelings make a MESS.

Bobo gets in Sam's serial killer thing, Dean is staring into the void like am I still even here or am I in hell. Is this a hell that Michael conjured. Mikey. Hey. Mikey. I figured it out. We're done here. Let's go back to regular torture. Michael. This is the bad place. Michael.

Dean stomps off into the woods because waiting for daybreak means being stuck in the same room as Jody and Sam flirting for a few hours.

Jody firmly pokes Sam in the chest with a map.

Sam.

A raven caws in the background, and Jack is wearing layers, the darkest shirt yet, a thick corduroy jacket in the style of early Sam, and is packing a bag.

He wrote a note and his handwriting is as disgustingly adorable as I thought it might be.

Alex wrote "Jack" with a cutesy backwards K in an autograph for someone who requested it at a con and I thought that was a cute detail but not how Jack would write and the real story - and I assume like with others they made him write it in character - is much more nuanced. His letters are competently shaped like he knows exactly how they should be, but shakily written, like he's not used to holding a pen, because, well, he isn't. He's not developed the muscle memory for it, just as he hasn't for fighting and all the other stuff, because in may ways he IS still a smol toddler with no life skills. His capital letters are huge and precise, like he knows he has to write them big, but disproportionate - putting so much emphasis on the titles of the people around him, the capital letters a metaphor for their influence on him. There's something clearly unconfident about writing and yet for all that obviously written by someone intelligent enough not to make basic errors of backwards letters and other things. He knows exactly how he is SUPPOSED to do it, but the execution is shakey, and disproportionate and generally looks unschooled and painfully revealing of his entire state of being.

Is this the scene where Bobo said out loud to an empty room, awww Jack.

I've been dreading that since the hiatus.

Maybe I should dig up that post and use it as the title for this one.

Triss is gonna die, Jack stopped by the stairs up out the Bunker in the war room, heard and saw Cas moving around, then in a fit of conscience or missing him already or something, stopped by to open the door and look in.

They have DEFINITELY expanded the Bunker set, in the sense that they've attached extra rooms to it or Wanek has sat down and made some parts more standardised, because they've shown off the corridor connections in every episode so far, and in this one we're seeing a never-seen-before connection which actually explains what is behind that window and how it fits. I mean, I'm pretty sure we've seen this particular room a few times, window and all, but never actual connections which show connected sets, so much as scenes starting or stopping there with no transition.

"She's been enchanted" "Like sleeping beauty" Jack says with awe "Awwwwwwwwwww" Lizzy says with awww

I honestly can't tell which moment Bobo said "Aw Jack" out loud about because we're getting such a series of them

Anyway, Hamlet, the great procrastinator, is distracted away from his mission to kill his uncle.

Not sure about the overlap of hearing things from the other side of a wall but I mean at least he's not going around stabbing people so

Jack also seeing all the important work they do for other people, even randos, and Cas getting involved in huntery business, distracted from emotionally nurturing him because of sleeping beauty there, and phoning rowena, doing the work to unknot a spell...

If we get Cas doing spellwork I'm gonna die, it's been Too Long.

Cas [squinting]: "Are you going somewhere?" Sleeping Beauty: "ooooww" Jack: "No."

Hon, that was so suspicious you are lucky this is Cas and not one of your other dads.

But. Aww Jack to an empty room.

"If I get a vote I'm team stick together" Jody remembers 9x19

Also Sam remembers bad!Kaia kicking their butts. They're on her natural territory

she is the Predator.

Sam keeps LOOKING at Jodio.

Look, I just

Cas keeps looking at Dean, Dean keeps looking at Cas

Jam won't stop looking at each other

That head is a Warning.

Come no further, mortals

I think Bad Kaia lives here

Vampires.

they really need to figure out how to biologically identify them except for teeth because they really come up against a lot of dead ones

"I brought tissue samples home, Alex ran them underneath the microscope"

Look, girls supporting girls, I knew what they needed to do before they did it lol

Dean: I was stabbed here

YAY I went frame by frame before the reveal and that is Kaia's face in there, the hood less spooky than before and more open to reveal her

Dean: bout to be stabbed here again

Dean finally has the moves to take on Bad Kaia after a season or two with the new stunt guy

but then her hood falls back and he's STUNNED

Now everyone is stunned

I think they've been using the Wayward Sisters Bad Place soundtrack for this but I'd have to check

the music is so very different and I'm not good at music ear thing

Cas: *eye twitches violently* Me: Cas why are you having trouble with this line Cas: "... marked.................... 'gross stuff'"

Cas, internally: Why did I marry into this family

Future MoLHunter 100 years later: "Man, this place is sweet, but the filing system is balls to the walls." Other Future MoLHunter: "Babe, you did not read the Winchester Gospels before your initiation?" F MoLHunter: "There is a drawer here marked 'hands of god' and the only thing in there is a pair of chopsticks and a ladel" OF MoL Hunter: Okay I will give you that. -

Me out loud to an empty room: aww Jack

He's so concerned about Sleeping Beauty, and he can't do anything about it but he's curious.

Maybe he CAN fix her and this is how he gets a lil power back.

I hope so because awww Jack being so concerned about her.

This is a Good Procrastination From Revenge

Hamlet, take fucking notes

"Is that your dad?" "One of them, yes." Aw Jack

Aw Bobo

Jack's flipping around on family - he's accused them of talking about nick/Lucifer as his father, he's disowned everyone but grampa and grammy Kline, and now he's fondly thinking of his three hero dads

He's really struggling to work out his place and what sort of family set up he belongs to and to be fair, he has so many fucking options and all of them are somewhat disastrous or tragic, so he's 100% in his right to be fuckin confused.

On the other hand Sleepy Beauty has no context so she's gonna assume Cas is gay married with a kid Jack's age and that's like, not untrue.

"My mom... but she probably hates me" "Why?" Jack says, horrified at the entire concept that a mom could hate a child, because, well, Kelly's love was COSMIC for him "because I left," she anvils

"I was sick of being treated like a kid, and i thought I could make it on my own" Oh boy. She's just expositioning how Jack feels and immediately telling him if he leaves he'll fall in with a witch, who curses her with an AGING spell which will make her old before her time.

I feel like there is probably... a metaphor........... in here...............

Also a reverse of Dean's aged down curse, because the girl and her other victims were hansel and greteled.

I had a sudden whim a couple of nights ago to see aged down Dean and current Jack hang out. Bring back Dylan Everett to go play basketball with Jack out on the front step.

"Gave us all nice things," she says, clutching at a HUGE EVIL EMERALD PENDANT AROUND HER NECK

Jack.................................

Is that cursed

"She said having us there kept her young" She put her own age into that locket

dang I should get a bonus point for bringing up poker!witch before he was relevant

I'm always curious about the show's implications about witches maintaining their youth by sucking it from others, because almost every witch we've met who had a focus on age was doing it for that reason, whether it was eating children or playing poker.

And we have a 300 year old witch chilling around who we don't know anything about when it comes to immortality, except that she has it and she bestowed it on Oskar so it's clearly a spell she can do rather than an inherent trait of reaching a certain level of magic practitionery.

"Then it started taking me too. Even faster than the others!" yeah because she killed the witch so she probably has to suck poor sleeping beauty dry in order to regenerate and skulk away and start over somewhere

PS: Sleeping Beauty is really doing an amazing performance here. I 100% am in Jack's shoes of being horrified and wanting to protect her

"Cas is going to fix this. I promise" Sweetie! Have you ever called him Cas rather than Castiel before? It seems weird. He even wrote castiel on the letter

Sam deducts Michael's entire plan off the clue that Alex couldn't detect the vamps in her sciencing, and based on having been attacked by super werewolves.

But why is Michael cleaning up these people?

Unless he's taking threats off the board who would be too cool and powerful and may challenge him...

"Doesn't change the plan" "but Dean - "

Dean walks off

Dean has no time for Sam suggesting maybe this is something awful because of Michael that Dean might know about or else be weirdly intimately connected to because of his weird Michael-based condition.

We have no clue what's going on and Sam doesn't like that and Dean's powering through and Jody is hovering in the background like WOW I can see why you leave me out of all your dumb main plot angst normally. Never done me one of these MAIN PLOT ones before. Can we go back to normal MotW where you're low key angsting in the subtext about whatever currently ails you?

Jody slaps Sam on the lower back

lower, babe. Lower.

Cas does magic, boom purple smoke!

Aw no she's still withered.

Jack, take her necklace off and smash it

because you did the good work of a hunter and talked to her and through being kind discovered what was wrong with her

Jody has a phone provider that gets her signal in the wilderness

"Claire's been doing so good, but anything connected to Kaia... she's a powder keg"

"FIRST LOVE STRIKES QUICK, AND TO LOSE IT LIKE THAT"

okay no Jody didn't shout it, but Bobo did.

ILY Bobo

I'm like 0% surprised but I am guessing other people who had been less trusting are throwing a complete party to have it textually confirmed like that. I felt like Bobo's intent especially when he went on the record in that stream AND he had been saying already that he shipped it right after Wayward Sisters, that he never ever meant to be coy about Dreamhunter, and confirming that Claire was madly in love with Kaia was a top priority on his fuck you list since he didn't get to write the show he wanted in order to work on this naturally.

Sam nods like fair enough, happened to me with Jess, but uh wow okay no i did not - yeah okay yeah

"He's not ready for this case" "maybe he needs it"

Jam jam jam jam

I mean

Yeah mature adults discussing issues together and working out how they feel about Dean rage-hunting Bad Kaia

hey look it's that one cabin that has been in like every episode of the show in the same way that one little stoney valley was in every episode of BBC Merlin

Has she lost her spear??

Dean, that was RUDE, you're so horrible to all these versions of Kaia

That zoom up on his face is one of the top 10 Dean Is Not Okay zooms of the show

So not like "bad cas" or "new bobby" are Dean's definitions for AU peeps - no word on what Charlie is to him, maybe because AU Charlie is a real issue for him to define as he couldn't help treating her like his Charlie.

But Bad Kaia insists that she is to Kaia what she is to me - they're joined in a different way. A way that back in Wayward Sisters was implied to be a dreamwalking connection of a very different sort, something anchoring our Kaia to the bad place and their connection was... weird.

"That was an accident. I was trying to kill the blonde" She's remorseful about killing Kaia but upsets them even more by reminding them that she was out for Claire instead.

How about we kill no one, bad Kaia

Oh no, Michael keeps sending monsters after her... Now she sounds like the original Kaia just because she's got "always more" things out for her. I suppose Michael learned of her through Dean, found her, and either wants to stop her or capture her because she has universe-crossing dreamwalking abilities, and woooow that will be useful to him.

NOOO SLEEPING BEAUTY DIED. THIS IS REALLY BAD. JACK COULDN'T SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVE HEEEEEEEEEER

waaaaaaaaaah

Stop fuelling Nougat having an interesting dark arc about his entire self and purpose and let him just hang around the bunker and watch TV and eat nougat and be hugged. Can we not just have a son who is okay and nothing is wrong with him?

Oh no even the random hunter (did I really catch her name as Brunhilda or did I imagine that?) is crying at Jack crying over Sleeping Beauty dying. Cas is contractually obliged not to cry or do complicated stunts but he looks miserable too.

Oh, jack figured out the pendant?

But can they actually save Sleeping Beauty?

Sam as usual getting in before I can - "Break her!??!?"

don't you dare hurt Kaia any more, she's already told you what she knows, Michael hurt her, you punched her out with the same face and then threatened her a bunch. She might be a snarky monster-hunting feral woodland weirdo but she's still Kaia-like and you have a history of being completely horrible to Kaia-like girls when you're in a bad place.

And it turns out Dean just wants the spear that pronged him, to figure out what it did and how to hurt Michael with it. To go on his own revenge mission that he denied Jack because, guys, we are now in competition for who gets to have the angsty anti-Michael revenge mission. Jack and Dean literally competing to be most angsty about it.

Jack is being considerably more productive even if Dean solved the Kaia mystery.

But yeah. Revenge sucks you guys.

Dean you need to eat a snickers and take a rest.

smiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirk because fuck you Dean for always hurting me and the other Kaia who is probably also me.

Jack is being much smarter.

The smartest cookie.

Who needs powers when you are a good cookie.

"She wasn't cursed. This was."

GOOD COOKIE.

I vote Jack gets to kill Michael. Dean has lost his Michael killing rights.

"You're no different from him. Threats, violence, anything to get what you want." "I am nothing like him."

Hon.

"Yeah you are. And you always have been."

I don't know if Kaia knows or if she's pulling a gambit, but acting like a mystic know it all and reading Dean stone cold in a villain way sure did take some of his rage away into that good old Dean self-loathing and fear, which was one heck of a good chess move regardless of if she can magically read him or not.

No I don't think Dean is these things but Michael is a means of exploring Dean's "blunt little weapon" sort of mindset that he has suffered from because of John's upbringing all this time, and Michael emotionally mauling Dean to the point of being a non-functioning worst version of himself who threatens Kaia (AGAIN) really is an on the nose way to display the sort of trauma that Michael tore into his psyche.

Crap I need to go to yoga, but this is too good to rush so even though I don't have much left, I will be back for proper notes in a bit!

Him smash magic glowy thing with hammer

just like i told myboy to do!

Cas's hair is ridiculously spiky.

"What happened?"

YOU MADE NOUGAT FEEL GOOD ABOUT HIMSELF THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED

Aww jack to an empty room

Sam I have been gone for hours. How have you not tackled Dean to the floor and apologised to Bad Kaia

"I saw what you did to her, when you got angry. You shoved your gun in her face." To be fair, at the time Dean had also been emotionally mauled by the feels bear because Jack gave him a vision of Mary being tortured in Hell-equivalent and he was also fucked up beyond belief.

Kaias really are seeing the worst side of him all the time.

Bobo likes breaking Dean

That was enough to make Dean let go

Also to ask a really good question about how she knows!

I'm way more curious about Kaia than Dean yelling at her :P

Then she points out that he's angry and impatient because he's scared, like, duh, but sometimes he needs to be reminded that he can have "weak" emotions like that because he wants to be all tough and on the case and instead he's freaked out because Michael has messed him up completely. Like. Stay home. Help the boy with lore or something. Take a pyjama day.

Wheee full flashback!

The early evening light gives it a Bad Place colour tinge, which is awesome.

I can't believe Mikey shows up in his hat but not his jacket.

He says he's BORROWING Dean here. Hm.

Also, what I suspected, that he sensed her around and was just curious. Probably having a "what the fuck that's KAIA!?" from Dean inside him and being like Kaia huh? Time to chat.

Mikey do you literally not have your own version of that fuck off huge spear they stabbed Cas with a couple seasons ago, or do you just collect cool spears?

There's something more than usually terrifying about his face in this conversation.

And he now says there's a war coming and thinks something weird like Bad Kaia might appreciate being on his side.

Oh boy.

"Wild one" that's so cool

Michael really has some great lines for being a massive pillock

Omg he fight good too

AAH this is Kaia's memory and she's psychically implanting it in Dean's head

"Stop!" he says, clearly not enjoying watching himself beat up Bad Kaia and, like, realising exactly how awful it looks to do this when he has to watch himself from the outside and for all we know feel her pain too.

Of course Dean being desperate to get the spear to fight Michael could come across with a blur of ambiguity of Michael being desperate still to have it, whether to stop Kaia using it or because he just really wanted it and doesn't like being told no.

The concept that Michael just disappeared from Dean still lingers.

So many fights with a whole bunch of people this season. Maybe just because there's so many friggin characters

"Now you're in trouble" *Bad Kaia literally leaps through a window to avoid dealing with this* I love her

NICE STAB

thanks for saving Jody

Well that was quick

Also you're badass and terrifying and I think Claire might fall in love with you too >.>

"I'm used to it" Oh babe.

She literally raised herself in a terrifying doomy forest so

I mean at least this world has dry crackers and beans. SCORE

Jody has got a LOT of thinking to do about how to phrase any of this to Claire.

"So there's a feral Kaia living in the woods outside of town"

Awww Sam offering her a lift to the hospital

Bobo wants us to remember 9x06 and Dean having to tend Cas's broken hand maybe

Sam. Hug her right now. RIGHT NOW.

Nope Jody just looks really tormented

She's in a reverse Jack position - one mom to 3 hunters instead of one kid to 3 hunters :P

Hey look it is Jack and one of his fathers.

"Jules is off!" Hey look Sleeping Beauty was called Jules. Nerdylittleshit doesn't read these notes however so she will never know that I decided this character was named after her :P

Cas apologises for not being there for Jack, because it took this long to realise he's the father who's always at work while others have taken the stereotypically maternal role to Jack, Cas just gets to be the cool strong father who is usually dead, captured or just busy saving people and too busy for Jack as a result.

"It's okay," Jack says, sounding considerably more emotionally balanced about it than he had in 14x01 when everyone was neglecting him

"Today you PROVED that you have the mind of a hunter. And the heart of a hunter" Raised by the best, bitches!

Awwww Cas wants to be a hunter with Jack! They can get a terrible car and hit the road and do an easy case and bond as they go and eat crappy food at diners and

Jack develops Nephilim Flu in response to having a nice moment with a father because he's so unused to being treated with full attention.

Cas: *squints*

"Must be getting my first cold!"

I have a cold too Jack! Awww!!

Cas is going to make him some soup. This is too sweet. I don't even have words for any of this it's just gross. My teeth hurt.

Jack I swear to god if you stopped your revenge quest and it hurt you so bad inside you're about to cough up a lung I am going to LA to kick the writers' asses in person so if you dare be even the slightest bit consumptive

Oh thank god the scene changed before he coughed blood into his hand

Awww and then Dean admits Sam was right, while still being the one driving on the way back.

I wonder if they filmed these side by side. "Dean slow down" "Sam you were right"

"What Michael used me for" Ouch, hearing him say it like that... Sad sad thoughts.

He just wanted to skip ahead and have it all done because revenge makes you feel SO much better.

"Dean... you did what you had to do" Okay it's even worse hearing someone else justify it rather than hearing that phrase come out of someone's mouth. At least when they say it about themselves they're just in a bad place. I don't even know if this is a pavlovian response I'm having but really flipping it around to have Sam say it is a validation - Sam certainly thinks things are better off with a dead Lucifer and would have a favourable bias, because it got the job done and whatever Mikey is up to at least it's not Lucifer doing it. Because even if Lucifer were doing the exact same things it would just be intangibly but clearly worse.

"It wasn't a blink, being possessed."

Dean says to Sam, who has been possessed by an angel twice and when it was Gadreel, for almost as long as Dean was Michaeled

Dean's so freaked out because fighting the drowning sense of being possessed was so horrifying and made him feel so weak and useless and he didn't even win that fight, Michael just bailed and let him have it back. With the "I own you" hovering over him.

It certainly reeks of being haunted by a bad relationship. The sense the nasty abusive ex hovering around outside the place you work every night...

"And it's all on me, man" No it isn't, he got through because Lucifer told him how.

Well I mean if you wanna go cosmic consequences, yeah it is because Billie done told you not to go universe hopping and that's several billion dominoes you messed around with doing exactly that

But despite how I spent all of season 13 SHRIEKING at you not to do it while knowing full well you did, and how this is technically your cosmic hubris for doing that, I also don't actually blame you on a personal level, Dean. Just, like, so you know once I get back to the shrieking. Because ow you are very sad and in pain and if Nougat wasn't coming down with Nephilim Flu in the other scenes I'd basically rank you No 1 for wrapping in blankets and feeding soup.

You're still in the top 10. Jodi had a pretty bad day too :P

Oh COME ON JACK

*starts packing my bags for the ass kicking*

Aww Jack to an empty room

Um EXCUSE ME HOW MANY CONSUMPTIVE TISSUES HAVE YOU GONE THROUGH?

GO FIND YOUR FATHER RIGHT NOW

HAVE YOU BEEN DOING THIS FOR THREE WEEKS?

Well no wonder you've been in a panic to get Michael killed.

SHEESH.

Dean's back and he's gonna kick your ass because he remembers when Sam did this in the Trials and he is very very anti consumptive family members.

#Asks #rape mention cw #for thematic parallels to the whole Michael-ing thing #because consent drama and angels as per usual #14x03 #season 14 spoilers #my stuff

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humansofoz · 5 years

Text

April 9, 2019

“Self-love is respecting my beautiful body. Yes it is beautiful. It was divinely designed especially for me. A sacred creation for self-knowledge which brings me limitless opportunities to experience myself in each moment.” -Michelle M. McGrath

Jade Laplante. 19. SUNY Oswego Sophomore.

HoOz- What was your greatest struggle at age 16?

Jade- I mean high school is hard. I had a lot of people who bullied me when I was younger. So going through being bullied, a lot of body image issues growing up, trying to stay on top of my academics but not always doing as well as I wanted because I’m a perfectionist and sometimes don’t get perfect results, getting my permit, and basic 16 year old things to be excited about. Boys. They’re boys so they’re like stupid sometimes. Overall just trying to find out who I am as a person, which at 16 I don’t think I was able to do. At 16 I think I was very much in a place where I was kind of lost, didn’t really know where I was at with myself, didn’t really know who I was or where I wanted to be or do.

HoOz- You have grown since then and are now a very positive person. What was that journey like for you?

Jade- So when I was younger I hated my body because I was like I don’t look like other girls. I have a very athletic build and overall just kind of a bigger person. I was never like super overweight but I was never overweight and because of society’s image of what we needed in life, in my brain at that age I was like this is what I’m supposed to look like and I don’t look like that so I don’t fit standards so I’m not beautiful. I then got to college and realized that’s not the case. I’m beautiful for how I am and I wanted to focus on just bettering myself and loving myself because I can only change so much. Not focusing on loving myself and focusing on trying to change it all the time wasted my energy. Being able to look in the mirror and tell myself I’m beautiful is hard, but I put work into it. It’s not supposed to be easy. If it was easy everyone would be doing it and no one would have any problems. Just reminding myself that I’m worthy of love, that I’m worthy of all of the things I deserve in life, that I’m beautiful, and just that daily reminder. It gets hard sometimes because you know sometimes you’re having a rough day and you look at yourself and you’re like I don’t like what I’m seeing right now. But I kind of just have to reset my brain and remind myself that I am beautiful, I’m having a bad day but I’m beautiful inside and out and I need to take the time to recognize that.

HoOz- What was your most memorable childhood experience?

Jade- This is kind of a sad one but it kind of relates to this. When I was in middle school, that’s when bullying was the worst for me. I never knew how to stand up for myself until I started martial arts. That really taught me how to, you know, if someone messes with me they better watch out. I was in eighth grade and I was in gym class. So gym, the worst, especially in middle school. There was this group of girls that bullied me all the time. Kind of just all around school they would harass me, they would pick on me, they would take my homework and copy the answers and the teacher would watch it happen but do nothing because they were the popular kids. In eighth grade I was in gym class and I was bickering with one girl and I had enough. We got back to the locker room and we’re calling each other names, she calls me a bitch, I’m not having it, and I almost punched her in the face. The gym teacher walked in like seconds before. Those memory kinds of sticks in my brain because that’s when I finally stood up for myself and was like I’ve had enough, like literally stop picking on me. It’s wasting your time and wasting mine. Why are we using this energy to be negative? Like why can’t we put some positive energy into the world instead? Positivity is one of my top strengths; it’s something I’m all about. So especially when I was younger I didn’t understand why people were putting this negative energy in the world. Like who is this benefitting? Why is it necessary? That memory kind of just sticks in my brain as the first time I was finally able to stand up for myself and say I’m not gonna take this any longer.

HoOz- Do you have any siblings?

Jade- I have two. I have an older brother, his name is Felix. He will be 21 in May so he’s 20 right now. He goes to Nazareth College and he’s studying Music Education. And then I have a younger sister named Angelique but we call her Angel. She is 14 so she’s in eighth grade.

HoOz- What is your relationship like with your siblings?

Jade- My brother is one of my best friends. Absolutely love him to death. When we were kids, we were super close and when we got to like middle school and high school we bickered a lot which is expected from siblings that are a year apart and opposite gender. That’s usually how that goes in a lot of situations. Once we got to high school though and we kind of got past our angsty phase and found especially music to relate on, we grew really close. Then me leaving to go to college actually brought us closer. So now when I go him it’s like nothing has changed. We go out, we do things, and it makes me recognize how close my relationship with him is and how much I appreciate it. My younger sister, we had a really bad relationship until I left for college. Again, kind of just bickering all the time. She didn’t like that my mom would put me in charge because she’s very autonomous. She doesn’t like being told what to do, so me not being mom and telling her like hey you need to do your homework before mom gets home, she hated that. So we didn’t have the best relationship. Now that I’m in college, my sister actually is in partial treatment right now being treated for anxiety and depression and suicidal tendencies, which is hard because I’m not there to support her through it all. When I do go home the smile on her face and her getting excited to see me, she asks when I’m coming home. Making her day makes me happy. Our relationship is a lot better now and as much as I wish I could be home to support her through all of those things, I think me coming home in those times because I’m away makes those moments so much more special to her.

HoOz- You’re very involved on campus and have been since last year. What made you want to get involved so early in your college experience?

Jade- When I was in high school I wasn’t super involved. I did stuff in my music department and I played softball but I actually went and played softball in a different town because again, girls are mean and I was like instead of fighting them I’m gonna take myself out of the situation completely and go play with a better group of girls. So I didn’t do a lot in high school and then I got to college and I was like you know, I feel like this is a place where I can grow. This is an opportunity to develop myself as a person. It’s crazy to think about where I started when I was a first year and I walked to the first club softball practice. I was so nervous because I was the only freshman there and all these juniors and seniors and sophomores all know each other and they’re all friends, but they were so welcoming. That environment made me feel safe to be able to be myself, which is something I didn’t always have in high school. So just be me, just being Jade was so exciting for me. My orientation experience was really awesome. I had Colleen as a Laker Leader. Wonderful, like she inspired me to be a Laker Leader so that got me involved in that. Seeing other people in leadership roles around me inspired me to want to follow their footsteps. So from moving up into the eboard in club softball, to getting more leadership roles there and seeing the different side of softball that I never saw when I was younger, to getting involved in student government. I joined Senate because I was pissed about the equal pay and I was like I’m not gonna just sit here and let this happen. I can protest all I want but I want real change to happen, so I joined Senate to make that change happen. Finding my voice as a student and SUNY Oswego giving me opportunities to do that and not only give myself a voice but give the students a voice has been an amazing experience. Being able to support my residents through the struggles I went through my freshman year and helping first year students transition the way that I needed that support just warms my heart. It makes me happy. It makes me feel like I have a purpose on this campus and this campus gives me an opportunity to have that purpose.

HoOz- What is your biggest flaw?

Jade- My biggest flaw is I’m such a perfectionist and I refuse to accept help. Those two together- bad! There are so many times when I need to cut slack on myself and I’m pushing myself way too hard to be reaching standards that are unattainable. We all want a 4.0. Sometimes it doesn’t happen and I beat myself up about it because I’m setting this standard for myself which is not like unattainable but it’s like if I don’t get it, it’s the end of the world in my brain. That combined with the fact that I won’t ask for help a lot of the time, I don’t like asking for help. I feel like if I just combined being less of a perfectionist and accepting help I’d be able to achieve more of my goals, but because I like to be independent and I’m like I can do this myself I don’t need help, it affects my performance sometimes. So I’ve been trying to grow and accept the fact that I can’t really do this by myself and who can I rely on to support me has been a big step for me. But I’m still working on it as always.

HoOz- What is your biggest strength?

Jade- I think my biggest strength is my passion. Everything I do I’m very passionate about it. I don’t believe in meaningless work. I think if you’re gonna do something you’re gonna do it right and you’re gonna do it with proper energy. I care about the things I do. There’s a reason why I’m involved with what I’m involved in. I wouldn’t be involved in these things if I didn’t care about them. So I put forth all of my passion in these things because I want people to recognize that I truly care. I’m not just doing this for a paycheck, I’m not just doing this for a resume builder, and I genuinely care about the growth of others and the growth of this campus and my own personal growth. I think putting that passion into everything I do shows through my work as a whole.

HoOz- Where do you see yourself in 5-10 years?

Jade- In five I would have hopefully graduated grad school with my Master’s degree in Higher Education and Student Affairs and I will hopefully be working at an institution. Not sure where yet. Probably not New York though, I need a change of scenery. Working hopefully in Orientation or Diversity and Inclusion because those are the two things that I’m very passionate about. If I can find a way to combine both, I would. So hopefully Orientation with a focus on inclusion and diversity on our campus, retaining students from lots of different areas, bringing everyone together in an inclusive environment, and just making change on a college campus.

HoOz- If you could tell your future self one thing what would it be?

Jade- Be patient and trust the process. I know that I’m gonna go through some stuff throughout these next few years. I know it’s not gonna be easy. But just have faith that these things are happening for a reason. Trust the process.

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