Fading
THIS IS DEPRESSING AND TRIGGERING AS FUCK, DO NOT READ IF YOU’RE NOT IN A STABLE PLACE THANK YOU !! I TAKE NO RESPONSIBILITY IF YOU IGNORE THIS AND CONTINUE TO READ IT
word count: 1647
content warnings: self-harm, descriptions of blood, gauze, depression/mental illness, descriptions of pain
this is ur last warning to step away !! otherwise, enjoy
<3
There was so. much. blood. The sight of it would make anyone dizzy, and as Scarlett stared down at her upper legs and inner wrist, her hand shook harder than it ever had before. The resemblance of her name, her fiery red hair, and the red liquid pooling in her bathroom was not something she had ever found ironic, but right now, she wondered if it was a coincidence or a cruel twist of fate.
This had always been something that was private, something she dealt with alone. She’d always been able to handle it, she’d never wanted to talk about it, to put the burden of her mental illness onto someone else. It’s not like she didn’t have people to talk to, she just couldn’t hurt them with that when they definitely had their own shit to go through. It’s just not who she was.
She had a boyfriend who had been there, who had lived through what she was doing, who had talked to her about it. And yet, after two years of a relationship, he didn’t know. She felt horrible about it sometimes, but he had always assured her that she didn’t owe him anything, and he would never push her to speak about anything that she didn’t want to. But as her vision blurred with tears, tears of fear, mixed with a large amount of pain that mostly hadn’t hit her system yet, she didn’t know what else to do.
She had never been more grateful that she agreed to move in on their two year anniversary, as the metal blade clattered to the tile floor and she sobbed out, sitting down on the toilet seat and staring in shock at her body, letting out just one word, in the form of a yell.
“Ash!”
Ashton was nearly on the verge of falling asleep, as it was nearing one in the morning, but the absolute panic in his girlfriend’s voice flowed through his veins like an electric shock. He sat up, throwing the covers off of his body and standing up, immediately noticing the light seeping out from under the bathroom door.
“Scarlett?!”
The door was locked. He rattled the knob twice, getting no response. He pounded on the door, once, before slipping his thumbnail into the small crease in the doorknob, twisting it and popping the lock on the door.
“Scar- Scarlett.”
She could barely see through the waves of tears, but she will never forget the look on his face. Fear, blended with heartbreak, all coated in a layer of fresh pain.
It only made her cry harder, unable to form words. She turned her face away, refusing to make eye contact with him. Seeing the absolute shock in his hazel eyes was too much, it made her feel way too fucking vulnerable. Not like she already wasn’t feeling that, but since she was, that was a level she couldn’t handle right now.
Ashton tried his hardest not to think. He couldn’t spare the time to think, she needed help. But at the same time, he didn’t know how to turn off the millions of thoughts racing around his head.
How long? Why didn’t she tell him? She didn’t have to tell him anything, but he thought maybe she would come to him if… Regardless, it didn’t matter, he was finding out now, and she needed him.
He immediately grabbed a washcloth and ran it under some cold water, offering her his hand as he kneeled in front of her.
“Oh, baby. Here, tighten your grip, this is probably going to hurt pretty badly.”
He firmly pressed the material to the deepest set of wounds, wincing slightly as a pained cry slipped past her lips, and her hold on his hand tightened until he thought he’d lose circulation. Whispering soft words and encouragement as the bleeding slowly began to clot and stop, he gently wiped the excess blood from around them as he moved from one set of cuts to another. Examining all of them as he cared for them, he took great relief in noticing that the deepest ones were not deep enough to need stitches, and while they would hurt like a bitch to heal, they would be okay.
She would be okay, at least physically.
Continuing to dampen the washcloth and adjust it to a less blood-soaked side every few minutes, he spoke loving words to her the entire time. He’d been here, he knew how it felt, and he hated that she was suffering. Her crying hadn’t slowed, and she still refused to look at him. He tried so desperately to not take it personally, knowing that when he had been where she was, he didn’t want to look or talk to people either. He wanted to reach up and wipe her tears away, but he couldn’t, not with one hand holding the fabric and the other held in a death grip. It would have to do for now.
“We’re going to get through this, love. I’m here with you. I’m here for you.”
She didn’t reply, though her sobbing had slowed. It was now just a steady stream of silent tears racing quickly down her face, but she was looking at him now, which was progress. He slid the wooden drawer next to the sink open, hand easily locating and finding the medical gauze that remained in there. His heart sank and clenched at the same time when he realized just how little there was left. He had replaced the roll just earlier that week.
Softly wrapping her upper thighs, gentle hands tying it off tightly to keep the bleeding to a minimum, he pressed a kiss to the top of the bandaging on each leg before moving to her inner wrist. He easily wrapped it as well, hating how familiar the feeling felt, yet on someone else’s body. Taking her hand once more, he stood and gently pulled her to her feet, immediately wrapping his arms around her body. His chin rested on top of her head, and while he normally teased her for their size difference, today he hated how small she felt against him.
“I love you. C’mon, darling. It’s late, let’s go lay down, and we can talk.”
She didn’t fight him, but she didn’t agree either. Her body was nearly limp against his as he wrapped his arm around her shoulders and gently led her back to their shared bedroom. He noted that she was already in comfortable clothes, and his heart felt like it never stopped aching as he considered how much she may have, for lack of better words, prepared, before doing this.
He laid back down in the bed, motioning for Scarlett to come lay against him. She did, wincing slightly when the sheets rubbed against her arm and thighs. Ashton had a sad look on his face, and she hated herself for putting it there. She never wanted to hurt him, and now she had. The thought of that did nothing to calm her already raging anxiety and pain, and the tears that had slowly stopped easily picked their pace back up again, this time soaking a spot into Ashton’s shirt from where she was pressed against his chest.
Normally his heartbeat relaxed her, eased her to sleep, comforted her in times of distress, but tonight, all it reminded her of was blood. Pumping through his body, just like her own was. Blood running in veins through wrists and thighs, blood that had been spilled onto their bathroom floor, that she had just sat and sobbed in while Ashton cleaned up her mess without so much as a single complaint. His heartbeat was no longer a comforting sound, only making her eyes blur with tears and her airway clog up with snot from the meltdown.
She pulled herself away, turning her back to him, trying to put some space between the two of them. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to be comforted, but she felt like a burden. And the last thing she wanted to do was burden Ashton, as she’d already hurt him tonight, clearly beyond repair. But he immediately reached out and turned her back around, not letting her hide from him again. She didn’t say anything, but he seemed to know anyway.
“We should talk, but I don’t think that it would do you much good right now, so I’ll talk, and all I ask is that you listen. I know how much you’re hurting. I’ve been where you are, my love, and it is horrible. You are so strong for going through this, and dealing with it alone, but you don’t have to anymore. I’m more than willing to help you carry this pain, and I hope that you will let me. I know you, Scarlett, and I know that you are independent. I’ve always admired that about you. You never want to ask for help, and that is an admirable trait, but I know that sometimes you need it. If you don’t want to talk about this, we won’t, but I won’t forget it, either. I will be here when you need me, and we’re going to get through this.”
Sometime during his small speech, her tears had stopped again, and she had moved back to his side. His arms were wrapped around her again, and she only spoke a few words to him.
“You promise?”
He smiled down at her, gently rubbing her back, using the pad of his thumb on his opposite hand to wipe tears from her lash line.
“I promise, Scarlett. I love you.”
“I love you too.”
This time, when she fell asleep against him that night, his heartbeat didn’t bother her anymore. In fact, it was the catalyst for her getting rest, for her new beginning with him by her side. A sign of life.
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louiscarrotsxoxo pinned post!!
includes: masterlist, general about me, likes/dislikes, what my blog will have/writing
hi darlings this is louiscarrotsxoxo's blog! i mainly go by jamila/mila but yall can call me jam or moo boo if want!
about me so yall can know me better!
i'm seventeen as of before october, im bisexual (heavy male preference) i go by she/her/they/them, i am a black american 🫶🏾 and i am trying to be a positive force in the world, always here to emulate love, peace, and kindness and forgiveness in this dark and crooked world! i'm a music lover, my fav color is pink, and im going to college to be an NP (hopefully i'll make it <3) and i literally love blogging, shitposting, freaking tf out on feed, all of dat hehe.
likes and dislikes
likes:
generally: the color pink, books, writing, art & music, dancing, positive vibes, movies, periwinkle, chris sturniolo, harry styles (hehe)
likes: musicans: harry styles, louis tomlinson, liam payne, zayn malik, niall horan, lorde, olivia rodrigo, taylor swift, 5sos, katy perry, R5, little mix, fifth harmony, paramore, johnnie guilbert, sabrina carpenter, the neighborhood, noah finnce and so many more!
likes: tv: girl meets world, jessie, star vs the forces of evil, a lull in the sea, toradora, spongebob, TMNT 2012, strawberry shortcake, barbie, winx, ever after high
likes: movies: under the amalfi sun, under the riccione sun, barbie princess charm school, monster high thirteen wishes, barbie swan lake, bratz girls really rock, bratz kids sleepover
dislike: racism, homophobia, terfs, zionists (literally, fuck off), sexism, haters, bullies, people who bully people for the fun of it, negative people, manipulators, abusers, gaslighters, mean people in general, mood-ruiners, people who literally have nothing good to say
fics
now i only write larry stylinson (for now)
but in the future i could?? possibly write chris sturniolo fic?? idk dont count on it tho bc i cant write straight stuff for shit LOL
gentle reminder that all of my fics are au's, they're not meant to represent the celebs/people irl or in reality whatsoever, think of them as a totally different realm of 'things that would never happen in the history of ever'
i mainly write: long fics over 30K at the least, fantasy, romance (#1), friends to lovers, enemies to lovers, fics with really super deep lore, fantastical things such as:
princes/royalty/magic/vampires/superpowers/supernatural
my fics!
also before i put them here, here's a link to my longer old pinned post that has all of the links for future and current fics!
berryhill (friends to lovers, childhood friends, romance 70K+, wip)
blue ice (friends to lovers, murder mystery, romance action/adventure, 30K+ , wip)
the secret charm (enemies to lovers, action/adventure, royalty, fantasy, lots of lore/background info)
where to find me + my writing/stuff i make!
ok i dont have any social medias bc i feel like i dont need them, but i am on some VERY obscure places where i write/interact
quotev @louisifancyyou
wattpad @.louiscarrotsxoxo
ao3 @.louiscarrotsxoxo
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