This was originally meant for instagram(since i foiund the trend on there originally) but their cropping problem is ass so i think im going to come back here!!
May 16th 5.16.2021 136th day 229 remaining New Crescent Moon
Maybe something or it maybe nothing. But I see 50 cent connection to DMX current relevance. The number 50 significance you can see right away. DMX, heart attack on Good Friday, 4.2.21, when Jesus was Crucified. His reportedly passed at 50 on 4.9 one day before is ex-wife's 50th birthday. His last interviewed aired tonight with 229 days remaining. 229 is the 50th prime number.
50 Days from Passover is today, Feast of Weeks. DMX officially died on 4.9. then add one, sum is 50 days. Which is Pentecost which means 50 . These are holy feast days of the Christians and Jews.
Today is the Feast of Weeks . The whole Passover period is about Exodus from Egypt on their way to the Holy Land, Palestine'/Israel. Exodus is the name of DMX new album. will be released 5.28 (Pentecost feast day 5.26)
50 days before 50cent's birthday is tomorrow. 5.17.21
Just stay watchful.
So much going on in Palestine now. Can't help but see that DMX and Prince Phillips death lining up with events in Holy Land and Civil War and Eclipses. Prince Phillip's 100 birthday this year, June 10th day of Solar Eclipse and DMX 50th birthday was days after Solar Eclipse December 14, 2020. DMX divided by Prince Phillip 50/100. 50 cents
Of course the 50 cent coin of JFK, 35th US President, assassinated at 46 comes to my mind right now. 50cent will be 46 on his birthday in 50 days tomorrow.
Curtis James Jackson III album cover 21 questions resembles DMX's with the Posterior anatomy.
My life would be so vastly improved if I were the kind of person who can't eat when they're sad. I'm always sad. I'd be at my goal weight within a week or two. Maybe I forget how sad I am for a minute- an hour- a whole day, even. But I'm sad. If i have a good day it never lasts, and even bad days don't last. What kills me are the nothing days- I go to work, I drive home, I look at my phone for hours trying to find things that make me less empty. I watch people eat things I could never allow myself to eat, and I watch people restrict themselves with so much more success then I could ever have.
Every single day I feel like I'm just a fraud and everyone around me can tell. I'm just some error of a person who was never meant to exist but I do and it's too late to do anything about it but everyone knows I don't belong. I don't have genuine human interaction- everything feels like a script.
I say thank you to the bus driver.
I nod if I accidentally make eye contact with someone at work.
I apologize if god forbid I get in someone's way.
I say 'mhmm' and 'oh yeah?' When my mom tells me about her day.
And that's literally it. I don't have friends to talk to, I don't have anything interesting to say even to my family. It's like God made 98% of a normal human being- gave me hobbies, and interests, and talents and all that, but forgot to give me any ability to communicate in a meaningful manner with other people, or any ability to cope with the fact that I can't connect with people. Everyone in my family makes friends without problem, but besides my sister and my dog, my closest friend is my cat.
I'm a 20 something year old adult who hasn't had a real friend since high school, cries when someone doesn't like something she's made, and copes by developing an ed and oversharing to a bunch of teenagers on the internet.
Idk, this is rambling and weird but I just feel like I'm so close to being normal, like it's right in front of me sometimes. I just can't get close enough to reach it. I'm always either too much or too little, and I either drive people away or leave before they can leave me, and it's an awful, emotionless way to live.
Anyways instead of dealing with this soul crushing weight that sucks the life out of me with every passing moment I'm gonna just bury that back inside me and Cope Unhealthily. Tomorrow I'm going to try to up my daily walk to 3 miles (not so much an endurance issue as it is a 95 degree heat at 9am issue, lmao), and I'm also eating mono, just to start my work week off well. Maybe if I lose the weight I'll find some semblance of a pleasant personality!
I spent the day writing at the office, then came home in time to grill dinner -- we still don't have an oven. Mom took Gus to get a haircut today. He's drawing a dragon in the picture.
Today I did something I’ve wanted to for a while. I got my hair done, for the first time in a long time. I got an asymmetrical cut that makes me look super queer, and I got it dyed too.
It’s part of reinventing myself. New me, new look.
I feel pretty meh about today. Sunday is my Saturday because of my work week, so it's my lazy day- higher calorie limit (1000) and I don't hate myself if I don't work out. Or that's what I tell myself, anyways. It was just a lazy sort of a day. I did a little bit of meal prep and got to purge the fridge and pantry though, so that was nice.
Tomorrow I think I want to start a plan but I'm still trying to find a good one, any suggestions? I've got 4 weeks to lose as much weight as I can so I don't try to throw myself into the grand canyon next month, help a girl out!!