#2. i'm wondering if i'm really that desperate for treatment

[vampirenigh]

Hi!! I really liked your silent treatment writing💕💕 and I was wondering if you could do a version for Kaiser?

Hi. Sure. No problem. Glad you liked it. He is one of my favorite characters. I didn't read the entire manga yet and he isn't in the anime so I don't really know that much about him but I hope the fic got out ok.

And if you have any more ideas or requests just send them. That would make me very happy. And thank you for the request. You're the first to make one.🥳

Characters: Kaiser Michael

Summary: You ignore him because of something.

Warnings: some bad words.

This is part 2 to Silent Treatment. Link here for the first part.

Masterlist

This argument started because he was flirting whit some girls in front of you to get you worked up because he thought that you were cute when you got jealous. But it backfired because now he got a mad girlfriend instead of a jealous one.

When you two got back home you went directly to the bedroom to get some things in a bag and then headed out to your friends place to teach Kaiser a lesson. While all this happened he was taking a shower so he didn't know that you left so imagine the face he made when he saw that some of your things were gone and you didn't respond to his calls. He started to freak out for a moment because he thought that you broke up with him and that he fucked up real bad. But you wouldn't break up with him just for that right? Right? He started to make some excuses to get his mind off of you but all he thought about was the fact that he made you leave.

He tried to get some sleep but he just couldn't. So in the morning he called Ness desperately till he responded. But on the second he responded Kaiser didn't give him time to say something because he started his ramble. "Did Y/n call you last night? Because she left and I don't know where. It was my fault and now I think she left me!" After Ness was sure that he ended his ramble he was quick to realize that his friend is in some trouble if you didn't respond to him because from what he knows you always respond to the phone. Even if you're busy. Especially to Kaiser. Even if you were mad. "She didn't call me last night. But are you sure that she didn't leave a note or something? If not try calling her friends. Maybe she is there. If not call me again. I will try to call her myself even if she doesn't know me that well." "She didn't leave a note! I searched all night! If you don't believe me come and look yourself! " "Okay.. Calm down Kaiser. This isn't you. I will come over now to help you call her friends."

And then Ness left Kaiser with his thoughts. He wasn't the tipe to worry so much. What is wrong with him? He was the Emperor! But you are his Empress. He can't live without you. But even if he finds you whan will he say? Sorry I was an asshole and I can't live without you? That is not like him... Maybe flowers and a dinner? I thing that is good.

After some time Ness appeared at Kaiser's door and was very surprised to see the disaster that was in his house. Pillows thrown on the floor, the sink full and everything in the places that it shouldn't be. Yes. Kaiser started to turn the entire place upside down just because he couldn't find you. And when Ness saw Kaiser he couldn't believe his eyes. He with eyes puffy and dark from crying and insomnia and whit some clothes that looked like he wore them a week straight. That was very strange because he took care of himself like no one. That really started to worry him. And also amaze him because you are the only person who can make him be like this just from some hours of separation.

So Ness started to help Kaiser call all your friends because Kaiser almost started to scream at every single friend of yours. When they found you Kaiser was overjoyed but it didn't last for long before he was meet with your cold tone. "What do you want Kaiser?" We improved. You were talking to him now. That give him hope. "I want to talk to you. Can you come home? Or wait there. I'm coming to get you. Be there in 10." Then he closed the call, took his car keys and ran to the car leaving Ness with all the mess in the apartment.

When he got to you you wanted to still ignore him but seeing his disheveled state decided to do the opposite. The car ride was silent. None of you knew what to say but Kaiser stopped in your parking lot in front of the house and cuped your hands. "I'm sorry... I should've never done that... I was an idiot for treating you that way... And I don't care if you still want to ignore me or break up with me but please stay a little bit longer... I can't live without you... I think you can see that yourself. " You stopped him mid-sentenced whit a kiss. "I forgive you. Tha fact that you apologized is something very rare from the Emperor. " That made Kaiser smile. "But being serious now. I forgive you. But if you do that again I won't forgive you. Understood? " "Yes Empress. " And then he kissed your hand whit his eyes locking yours.

You knew that your relationship was far from perfect but it was good enough for you. Seeing Kaiser getting so worked up over you made you happy and made you see that he really cares about you even if he teases you a lot.

Bonus:

When you got in the apartment you were meet whit Ness on the couch and the whole apartment extremely clean. And a Ness who started to beg you to never leave Kaiser like this! To leave a note. Because Kaiser put the whole place upside down and he needed to clean it all by himself. You said sorry to him and hugged him action that made Kaiser extremely jealous and kicked Ness out and got you into the bedroom to cuddle.

#blue lock #blue lock x reader #bllk headcanons #bllk kaiser #kaiser x reader #kaiser michael #kaiser x y/n #kaiser x you #kaiser michael x reader #bllk fluff #blue lock kaiser

[bonebabbles]

God the new ultimate guide sucks

It's not JUST the awful art, either. The art's just worth mentioning because even if the book's info had been terrible or contained nothing new, really cute art can make it still worth having.

But, no, it's even full of recycled lines we've been hearing for years like "Bramblestar Can Match Squirrelflight's Fire Not Contain It," and that's when it DOES get everything right. These entries leave out major, important details (making them bad summaries) and are sometimes even straight-up incorrect.

SUMMARY THOUGHTS

Leafpool is said to have watched Brambleclaw kill Hawkfrost to save Firestar-- but for one, no, she was not there because Ashfur was still leading her and Squilf towards the scene. For two, no, Brambleclaw did not kill Hawkfrost just to save Firestar, it was self-defense. Hawkfrost had him pinned and was going to kill him.

They're REAL cute about Leafpool's death, too, neglecting to mention WHY the Sisters needed to be saved at all and just saying Leafpool's "generosity" lead to her death in that cave-in.

I'm not even going to get into everything on Bramble's entry jesus christ.

Sagewhisker's entry is ESPECIALLY fucken' dandy, framing Yellowfang's Secret like she was simply waiting patiently for Yellow to realize her 'destiny' and not actively shoving it on her at every opportunity.

Leopardstar's entry states that romantic interest in Tigerstar was part of her motivation. "Perhaps she'd hoped he would be her mate" please speak to a woman irl for once in your life.

Gray Wing's entry forgot that the reason he "blamed himself" for Bright Stream's death is because he was literally staring at his big strong brother too much and tripped on a root in front of him. It IS his fault she died.

Clear Sky/Skystar's entry is just obscene. "He regretted abandoning his son and after a fire, he encouraged him to live with him" instead of "saw his teenage child was useful now and bullied and belittled the kid and his uncle into letting Thunder come with him." "Retaining his fierceness towards his cats and outsiders which caused his son to leave" instead of "murdering, brutalizing, and abusing everyone around him caused Thunder to leave." I'll just say this tho; "Fierce" is an interesting way to spell "Cruel."

It's interesting that they don't point out that a major part of Jagged Peak's arc was proving he was "Just As Good" as every other cat in spite of his disability, thanks to his introduced-and-pregnant-in-the-same-book wife becoming his life coach, only earning Clear Sky's respect after being allowed to physically lead a patrol in Blazing Star. Instead they frame him finding his place through taking care of kits, which... was something he seemed to resent in the actual series, considering how the books suddenly treat Gray Wing's protective treatment of him as a terrible thing in Blazing Star because he "didn't give him a chance". But at the same time I actually strongly dislike Jagged Peak and his messy, frustrating character arc so I'm not really UPSET with it. Just... noting it. I suppose this is the official direction they're taking away from it?

Shadowstar's entry is barely even 3 paragraphs yikes.

SHORT STORY THOUGHTS

And if you're wondering if the 4 brand new stories they smooshed into the end in a desperate attempt to make the rush job worth buying are good? No. Of course not. They're all slop.

Story 1: Firestar and Graystripe

First one's a marginally cute story about Graystripe and Firestar which is setting up the framing device linking the mini-tales together. They both remember this situation where Firestar fell into a ditch wrong. The punchline is that Thunderstar remembers it perfectly and they're both like, "WOW! Too bad Thunderstar's memory sucks!"

It's not terrible, but it does feel a bit pointless. But, hey, if you want more Firestar and Graystripe in the series that tosses them fanservice at every turn, who am I to judge?

Story 2: Dovewing and Ivypool

The next one is the Dovewing/Ivypool reconciliation passage everyone's talking about. It's... fine, but immensely dissatisfying to me.

Dovewing is apparently having problems adjusting to her Clan, grapples a little bit with the fact she has no friends but is going to be finding meaning in helping tigerHeartstar "bring the new ShadowClan into existence." She ultimately decides that she needs to talk to her sister, and begs for reassurance that Ivypool believes in her, feeling that her support can help her get through this difficult time in her life.

I think its biggest problem is that Dovewing was not the right choice for the POV here.

Dove was never the one responsible for the rift in their relationship. Ivypool is. Ivypool is the one who was jealous, willing to sabotage anything that would put Dovewing closer to Tigerheart, and continues to be generally aggressive towards her. So when Dovewing is reaching out to Ivypool in hopes of them reconciling, it feels wrong because Ivypool is the one that should be reaching out to Dovewing. SHE is the one who has some things to apologize for, and to show how much she loves and misses her.

It's even kind of frustrating, because Dovewing can never catch a break. She has to have these problems to force her to reach out, Ivypool even ends up suggesting that she leave and come home and take her kids with her, but in the end even a LITTLE bit of assurance from her aggressive sister helps.

I feel super bad for Dovewing, man. She deserves better than this cheap writing. What was the point of such an unsatisfying, rushed reconciliation, shoved into a crummy field guide, when we KNOW from the newest book that they're just going to use tension between them as part of the drama anyway?

shouldn't have even been written, imo. Even ends off with, "They'll always have each other :)" which is so... cliche. It's TIRED. Are any of you really happy with just getting a retconned platitude in a good-for-nothing field guide, instead of seeing complicated, INTERESTING feelings in a main book?

Story 3: Alderheart and Twigbranch

A tale of Cherryfall getting sick during TBC and Alderheart sneaks back into the territory to treat her. Also Crowfeather has a scene where he yells at him. Charming.

Twigbranch comes up with a diversion while Alderheart does his work, which is cute. It's a fine story.

Story 4: Clear Sky

Trash. Three dogs spawn in the middle of a gathering so that Skystar can have an uwu big boy sendoff saving his grandkit. Then he goes to StarClan and throws a fit because they can't give him ANOTHER life, becoming so upset that he attacks the nearest woman. Naturally, Shadowstar brushes it off because it's not the first time Clear Sky has pummeled her in the midst of an adult tantrum and this book series thinks violence is fine if their favorite sadboy does it.

Then Gray Wing brings him to the magic mirror pool where you can see the living, to confirm that Star Flower is ok and that makes him feel better.

Then it launches into Firestar saying "ouuuugh yum I LOVE the taste of his butthole. Clear Sky is so misunderstood, He Just Loved Too Much."

to which Graystripe responds, "Yes, he was a good and amazing person and his farts smells SO good, and can you believe that some people think StarClan punished his Clan for his arrogance? As if he ever did anything wrong, ever?"

Firestar, indignant, refutes it with, "Ugh!! StarClan would NEVER be interesting, we don't punish living cats we just float around and make vague, frustrating prophecies that do nothing but pad the word count. Why cant ppl understand that, gosh."

who wrote this? Gray Wing??

#The amount of passive voice Clear Sky has to be surrounded with in order to look like a redeemable character is dizzying #I feel like I'm reading a headline about cops who blew up an orphanage every time I read anything official about him #oh wait im sorry. A ''high-pressure accident which occurred at a government institution with 3 officers present'' lmaooooo #ultimate field guide #bone babble #im actually REALLY glad actually they havent been making these #This was garbage #There were a few good things in this but overall? Absolute slop. I wouldn't even feed this to a pig. #I think this is actually down there with Cats of the Clans (with Rock) for worst field guide #This is abysmal #You would be better with the wiki summaries and the 4 stories are mid at best #What a shame that they re-pivoted so hard from Riverstar's SE which I was JUST praising for tossing out that shitty ''redemption arc'' #Nope. We're right back to square one. #How much do you guys wanna bet it's ONE writer who's OBSESSED with Clear Sky and every time he writes anything he does this #I'm not sure who wrote this one but let's see if my hunch is right lmao

[kyouka-supremacy]

Ngl sometimes I feel like Asagiri doesn't know what he's writing. Like in many many interviews I feel like he straight up contradicts what him and harukawa are doing in the manga which often just makes me go ????

Like the way he treats Akutagawa has never been framed in a positive light, he has shown how desperate akutagawa was for his recognition. The cycle of abuse is a constant theme in the manga...

That interview just baffled me so much that I can't help but wonder if asagiri just really sucks at expressing himself or idk because I also feel like if some sentences would've been slightly changed it would've fallen more in line with the manga and it wouldn't have sounded like excusing the abuse Dazai had put Akutagawa through.

... I honestly don't know how to answer to this. I sincerely don't think the author's words contradict what already slipped through the manga? As I said, I think the statement was just a very unfortunate case of intersection between 1) abuse apologism and 2) Dazai idolization... But that's both things bsd ALWAYS had.

Chapter 39 Portrait of a Father is right there; the author's framing of Akutagawa and Dazai's relationship in the interview is precisely the same case of “the abuse you went through actually shaped you to become a better person, and your abuser always acted in your best interests and should even be regarded highly by you, like a father / meaning to your life”. So, nothing new on that front. About Dazai, I guess that's harder to pinpoint, but I do believe bsd has a bad case of Dazai is omniscient / perfect / flawless / can-do-no-wrong syndrome, something someone already made a very interesting elaboration of here. That explains why the author could never admit that Akutagawa was Dazai's failure, because that would be admitting Dazai can fail, and it's evident that the author doesn't agree with that.

I'm not really sure Dazai's treatment of Akutagawa is portrayed as cruel, either. Like, if it was, then why didn't Dazai stop treating Akutagawa that way when he joined the ada and started doing good? That sounds like implying that Dazai didn't stop because he is doing Akutagawa's good. When you think about it, Dazai acts very coldly to Akutagawa in chapters 36 and 51, treating him with condescension and vague contempt; and yet, those scenes are framed as being either endearing or comic, never cruel. Overall, I can hardly find the interview to be inconsistent to the manga when it's basically just expanding on what Akutagawa already told us here:

and where in the past one could have suspected this was only Akutagawa's biased perspective¹, this new interview simply confirms the author thinks it the same way too.

¹ I'll never forget my sister saying, when I was live reacting chapters 84-88 to her, about this exact passage: “That depressingly sounds like an abused person trying to find a meaning in the pain the abuse caused them, something able to give a sense to the pain and excuse the abuser”

I was extremely surprised by how everyone reacted to the interview, because I found it saddening, yes, but people are acting like it's something new and surprising when... I really don't feel the same way? I always thought bsd was full of problematic stuff and fucked up worldviews I don't agree with, from the moment I was watching the first season for the first time. And like, it kind of sucked initially, but I came to terms with it because there's other aspects I find enjoyable to explore and dwell into! (And also simply because I don't get to pick what I hyperfixate on). Personally, I assumed that people in the fandom either agreed with the author, or turned a more or less conscious blind eye to its issues in favor of more compelling stuff, or did like me and acknowledged its problematic stuff while also believing that doesn't necessarily have to get in the way of your enjoyment of the media (we're all just here to have fun). But I never thought... People just didn't notice? Like, the author's world views are all there and they've always been there, what changed exactly? Again, seeing it put so plainly and with no shame is saddening, but can't be deemed surprising. Yet somehow I've seriously seen people say stuff that sounded worryingly like “the abuse defending manga author is defending abuse in real life, how did this happen” and I'm. ?????????¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿????????? I'm sorry, and forgive me if I'm sounding somehow pretentious, but I swear most sincerely that I just don't get it. When in two years the author is going to make a comment of the kind “no female character will ever be as complex as male characters because women simply don't have it in them”, will everyone suddenly be surprised because the author of the sexist manga revealed themselves to be sexist?

It's just... As someone who as it turns out has done this (deeply disagreeing with bsd's themes, but hyperfixated on it nonetheless) longer, very humbly, allow me some words of advice: you're here for entertainment, you're here to have fun. That means you get to decide what parts of canon are worth focusing on and dissect and enjoy, and that doesn't in any way hold you from acknowledging bsd's problems when they're at and overall having a critical approach to reading the manga. I think that's a good advice for interacting with all kinds of media actually! In the words of another old answer of mine:

I don't know who needs to hear this, but someone definitely does: “I love s/kk!!” “the bsd storytelling has many compelling aspects!!” and “I recognize the bsd writing has flaws some of which actively harm an already disadvantaged part of society” are statements that can and should coexist, and if anything - and I know you hate to hear this, I'm sorry, I'm sorry - it should be kept in mind when deciding to support the franchise by buying its products.

And lastly, but most importantly: bsd stopped giving you joy? Walk out!!! The world is full of beautiful stories. Read The Promised Neverland.

#I think y'all took death of the author too far... #But at least now you can understand why in the past year and half I always twisted my nose– #whenever I found one of those “author is such a genius!!!!” posts ahah #ryūnosuke akutagawa #osamu dazai #bsd #bungou stray dogs #mine #people asks me stuff #Feel free to shoot me right to the head if I ended up sounding pretentious in this

[surely-galena]

ToT Main Story 9 Commentary/Thoughts (Part 3)

[1] [2] [3]

This is the final part and I will be including some longer thoughts (and my bingo card) at the end! I've purposely stayed away from other people's episode 9 posts while I write this up (notably Zak and Sam's) so their thoughts don't influence mine, but I am definitely looking forward to seeing if the feelings/concepts I'm picking up align with what other people are thinking. Heads up that the commentary here is going to be slightly out of order so I can push my longer thoughts to the end.

Ohhh. Okay, this got me. Marius was literally physically attacked and no one (except Vincent probably) has genuinely cared enough to ask about Marius the person and not Marius the suspect/informant. I'm really glad MC chose to ask this question rather than let Luke interrogate him right off the bat. And the fact that Marius is surprised also speaks so much as to what he was expecting... I did not think I would be getting treated to good MariRosa today.

(He went down to the NSB office... alone. Marius...)

Vincent's back on the case again, I see. Truly, what would Marius do without him?

This bit confused me. Didn't Luke only tell MC about his illness in his first anniversary card? Am I missing something from the timeline here?

And hey, more details about the incident. The fact that Luke contracted the illness during his treatment and that the drugs were suspected definitely point toward NXX influence.

-

Longer Thoughts Incoming, Here We Go

All right, first thing. This scene on its own doesn't say much. It's when combined with the other things I've picked up on that it feels... a little off?

I don't know if I've spent too much time with fanon!Luke or if I've simply been reading too much into it, but episode 9 Luke feels different. He's really aggressive this time, which is nothing strange, we've seen Raven before, but it also feels like he's relapsing into keeping MC/Rosa in the dark? (It's not quite that, either, I'm having a hard time putting the exact feeling into words.)

That scene with Julian where Luke is trying to push him into standing up for himself? It was well meaning, but gosh was it tense -- especially with the lack of communication with MC. No wonder she felt the need to step in and help.

There's a lot of fist banging on tables and harsh sentences from Luke, a lot more often than usual (to Julian, to Skye, to NXX members). It's a good reminder of how scary he can be, but it also provides massive whiplash from all the fluff we've been getting recently.

Additionally, Luke's interactions with the other NXX members (notably Marius and Artem) feel more distant. Like they're potential enemies, not coworkers/teammates.

I also think it's possible all of this is because Luke is getting desperate. He's getting worse, the meds are doing less and less for him, and he knows he's running out of time. Despite this, he's still alive. He's still able to change his fate -- or at least he hopes he is -- but to chase after his goals, sacrifices have to be made. He can't afford to dawdle or spend time not getting to the point, because time is slipping through his fingers and he needs to do as much as he can before he's entirely done for.

Basically? I think Luke is becoming increasingly stressed and he's (either consciously or unconsciously) taking it out on everything happening around him. The only people he's been truly open to in this episode are Aaron and MC herself. He's beginning to close himself off, even to MC (*points to the final scene with him covering her eyes and talking about lying to her*). Physically, he's not fine, and mentaIly, I don't think he's doing okay either, and that is concerning.

Okay, now onto the second major detail that has been nagging at me. These are from the final scenes as example excerpts, but is it just me or have the NXX been weirdly hostile to each other throughout this entire episode?

In one of the earlier scenes (after Marius speaks with Tyson), Marius runs into Luke. The conversation sounds like fairly normal NXX team banter, but Marius' demeanor is strange:

"But when [Marius] gives Luke a side glance, his eyes reveal a sense of sarcasm and coldness, completely different from his tone." (Main Story 09-01)

I'd assume this is because of the recent NSB action regarding Pax, the press, and the NXX Team's investigation. Luke is a potential weakness in the NXX Investigation Team because he belongs to the NSB. But after all the team building events MC put her heart and soul into, this is honestly kind of tragic. For them to fall apart so easily, because it was only ever her who glued them together.

(I know @roshie-writes has mentioned something to me about the NXX team falling apart, but I didn't know it would be so soon, or be so abrupt. Not like this...)

Not only do Luke and Marius have some kind of under the surface conflict, we have Luke and Artem who have a much more overt kind of conflict (i.e. Luke pushing for Skye's guilt and Artem being Skye's attorney). I've got to say that this is really interesting because we've never had Artem and Luke on opposite sides before. It's always been Artem vs. Marius or Artem vs. Vyn. To have Luke be isolated because of his association with the NSB (and potentially his illness) is an interesting story move (even if it hurts the found fam enjoyer within me).

Considering we're passing off the lead role to another boy after this, MC will no longer be tagging along with Luke in the next episode. This means that while Luke and Artem are on opposing sides of the conflict, MC has the advantage of being middle ground (because, y'know, they're all in love with her).

Even so, this part surprised me:

It's not out of character for Artem to prove MC wrong. What stands out is that he usually does it kindly. This is a laugh that MC knows to be directed to an opponent, and it hits harder when they're work partners. If there is anyone Artem can expect to be an ally, it's MC. But not in this case. Not now, when tensions are so high.

Then we have Vyn, who's being, what? Switzerland in all of this? In this episode he existed to have one conversation with MC, along with the absolute boldness to take it in front of his mystery guest. You do you Vyn, we love our behind the scenes guy doing suspicious things as usual. Notably he hasn't chosen a side yet, and neither has MC. We know that MC will follow her heart, and that Vyn will always look out for MC in his own way (which is true for all the boys), but it might be interesting to keep an eye on him as we head into Main Story 10.

I know the ToT main story can get pretty heavy, but this one was more emotionally draining than I thought it'd be. I'll have to see how it all connects before making a proper judgement about how much I liked it, but overall I'm glad we gained a lot of new info (and more questions to delve into later).

-

Here's my bingo card for the episode. I was so close to a bingo, but I got to cross off many boxes anyway!

#tears of themis #okay now I'm off to read sam and zak's posts I am so curious to know what you both thought

[morgenlich]

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Let’s spread the self-love❤

also gonna tag @council-of-beetroot since she tagged me also lol

going 2 be sharing the ao3 summary + first few paragraphs of each since i've seen ppl doing a few different things with this meme lol

in really no particular order:

1) last light (gen fic w multiple ships, rated E)

just some desperate people trying to survive with (and sometimes in spite of) each other.

The lightbulb overhead flickered almost imperceptibly, emitting a faint hum just at the edge of Tolys’ hearing. Sighing softly to himself, he drummed his fingertips on the windowsill anxiously, ignoring the cup of now-cold tea beside him as he tried to focus on the fat snowflakes tumbling lazily from the sky to the streets below, where they melted almost instantly. The little village slumbered on, cradled to the east by a forest so dark and dense even Tolys was wary of it; its shadow loomed in the gloaming, and he wondered, not for the first time, what creatures might be prowling there. Darkness fell swiftly, the handful of streetlamps doing little against it. There was little threat of an air raid so far east, though there was still an uneasy feeling in Tolys’ stomach. Even so early in December, few people wanted to deal with the cold; those who braved it shuffled quickly toward wherever their business was and otherwise left the streets to the night. Tolys imagined most of the residents would be readying for dinner then, preparing to settle in for the evening…. Somewhere in the distance, a dog barked. A woman held her child’s hand as they crossed the street. On the corner, a couple of officers stood, lighting their cigarettes. You’d almost be forgiven for forgetting there was a war on, were it not for the tanks lurking in the shadows.

2) like they do in babylon (rusliet, rated E)

for the past several nights, russia has been calling lithuania to his study to talk and drink with him, and lithuania doesn't know why--until russia kisses him.

This is a bad idea, Tolys thought, as though that hadn’t been the appeal of it an hour ago. “Would you like some more wine?” Russia asked as he refilled his own glass. “I—please. Yes.” He bit his lip and held out his still half-full glass, willing his hand to be steady while Russia topped him off. He couldn’t bring himself to sip at it, though it was a vintage certainly deserving of that treatment; he wished only to calm his nerves, he was numb to any sensation but the buzz of anxiety running through his body, and if Russia thought anything of the gulp he managed to swallow, he gave no indication of it. Russia was sitting sideways on the sofa, one foot tucked under his leg, absentmindedly swirling his wineglass as he watched Tolys. His violet eyes were full of some emotion that Tolys couldn’t—or perhaps, simply didn’t want to—name. The deep yellow silk of the cushions glistened faintly, catching the light of the dying fire before them. Tolys focused on the dancing flames and took another drink of wine.

3) plein air (frapol, rated T)

[summary is just part of the same excerpt i'm using here]

Yawning, Feliks rolled onto his side, propping his head up with one hand and reaching for a grape with the other. Francis, his billowy white shirt hanging off his shoulder, gently brushed a stray lock of hair behind his ear. “More wine?” he asked. Feliks shook his head; Francis shrugged before pouring himself another glass, and the two lapsed back into comfortable silence, lounging on the old blanket Francis had brought with. The Mediterranean stretched out before them, glittering like a sapphire, the horizon obscured by midday haze. Barely perceptible waves lapped at the brilliant white sand, their murmuring the only sound other than the occasional breeze, hardly strong enough to lift their hair. Pale cliffs sheltered the beach from the rest of the world; earlier, they’d provided shade, too, but the sun was almost directly overhead now, and the only shade offered came from a sun-faded parasol propped up behind them. Feliks didn’t mind; the warmth of the sun on his skin was more than welcome after so many months stuck in the cold, or indoors…. It had been Francis’s idea to head south for a bit, and it had been his suggestion that morning to spend the day at the beach. “You need to rest,” he’d said, “and the warm air will your lungs good.” Feliks hadn’t complained—he was sick of Paris, and the warm air did make it much easier to breathe…he’d missed the sea, too. It’s the wrong sea, though, he thought. It was such a brilliant blue he still wasn’t quite sure he wasn’t hallucinating it, and Francis had brought the sweetest wine he’d ever tasted, grapes and berries and a melon all so ripe they were practically bursting, it was just the two of them…and yet. Vivid memories of searching for shells and amber when he was younger, alongside…. No, it was pointless to dwell on that.

4) heartlines (lietpol, rated M)

feliks learns to be a little more comfortable with himself around tolys.

Feliks took a deep breath, smoothing his skirt—hoping it would wipe the sweat from his hands in the process—before timidly placing his hand on the doorknob. He had been so confident that Tolys wouldn’t judge him until that moment, just before showing him. He was suddenly glad he’d decided against wearing makeup—that would have been far too much, he was sure—or maybe the fake earrings would be where Tolys would draw the line—instinctively, his hands flew to his ears to pull them off— He took another deep breath. He’d seen men in perfectly masculine clothes wearing earrings, this was fine. Anyway, Tolys is the one with hair past his shoulders, he thought. Clenching his jaw, he grabbed the handle, still not turning it. The best thing to do was just get on with it—either Tolys wouldn’t care, and this worrying was for nothing; or he would, and it was best to just get that humiliation over with. He could feel his hands growing slick again; he grimaced. Couldn’t he at least act confident? He’d done all sorts of crazy-ridiculous-stupid things without a second thought, why should this make his lunch want to come back up? He rolled his shoulders to adjust his posture, then opened his bedroom door before he could talk himself out of it.

5) midnight rendezvous (ruspol, rated E)

Feliks wants to blow off some steam, and Ivan is willing to help. Part of my whump/smut combo "bingo," the prompt was "spanking."

Feliks made his way through the darkened halls of Russia’s estate, wrapping his blue satin house robe tightly around himself as though it would stave off the cold. Winter had well and truly come, the oppressive cold leaking into the house through cracks in the walls and gaps in the windows. Had there been lights in the hall, Feliks was sure he’d be able to see his own breath. At least it was a clear night, and still; the nights where the wind shrieked as it hurled itself against the walls were by far the worst, and Feliks was not entirely convinced the old manor house they had all been stuffed into would withstand another winter after this one. The overwhelming smell of cheap perfume clung to him as he walked. It was annoying, to know the house well enough to be able to so easily avoid making the floors creak in his wake. Well, if he was going to be stuck living with Russia, he might as well get something out of it.

#q&a #nopeferatu #hetalia #my writing #thank you!!! #and thank you also beetroot and the two anons who sent me this lol

[raspberry-gloaming]

This is some ramblings about a sort of oc, for the missing mid 30s district 2 victor for @lorata 's We Must Be Killers universe. It's not all coherent and there's a lot of run on sentences here, but it's all just thoughts currently.

First off, introducing Knox! 2m, victor of the 35th Annual Hunger Games.

Merchant class, not quarry or offering, kinda in the middle just like he's in the middle of the shift from the elite to the modern way the center changed. His childhood was honestly pretty neglectful emotionally by his parents. They already had two other children, one to carry on the business, one to become a peacekeeper. Knox was an accident, an afterthought. They put him in the program to give him something to do, and somewhere to put him and forget about him for a while. Perhaps he'd come out with a good reference. Perhaps he'd become a peacekeeper like his brother. Perhaps he'd die in the arena. It didn't really matter - he was away and easily forgotten about in residential from 13, and they got a tidy stipend.

He was 18 in 35, so was 13 in 30. which means he was one of the new residential kids who were there when it all went down with I think he was called James? But with Joseph and all that. That's fun! (not)

He's like the opposite of Lyme when it comes to kids. The younger the better, he'd be great as a trainer of the 7-9s honestly. Babies, young kids, he loves them, gets on great with them. But the closer they get to residential age... nah.

It's partly due to the 30th and what happened, partly due to how his year group were just a bit wild. They did some shit, saw some shit, took it too far a lot of the time. Wanted to prove themselves and got too cocky when they knew that they wouldn't act like James had. The trainer's would put a stop to stuff, sure, but alot of it was psyching them all up. Getting them stronger, more confident (too confident, even when they were wiped the floor with by the older trainees.) No-one in this year would fail at volunteering and getting far. Both the kids and the trainers, as well as the trainers' treatment and reaction to the kids made sure of it. The arena wiped some of that out of Knox, but it was a recovery process, definitely. He later met up with some of his year mates and they'd had a tough time in detox. It wasn't just the events, of course, but it definitely had an impact, with the actions of the trainees and the trainers, as well as how they acted in the mock arena and who was selected down to the final few at the end.

Knox wasn't the craziest out there by far, in fact he was probably the least out of all of them. He knew how to put it on though, but was wary of his year mates. He got the highest scores in his year, which is why he was chosen, not because of his persona or personality. While they needed someone who was desperate to do the task, they also needed someone noble enough for the five year mark.

He's a bit dramatic honestly, but has definitely calmed down by the time canon rolls around. He's nearly 60 then, afterall. His dramatics have definitely changed over the years. From the petty, huffy, why aren't you __ at me?! phase several graduates go through, to an "oh god I'm an old man." he's thought himself as one of the old squad for a long time. Even when he was in his thirties, and with Adessa who thinks Odin (4 years older than Knox) is a baby, I wonder what she'd think of him lmao. He's quite a hypochondriac, and I'm not sure who the village go to for a doctor when not in the capitol but I'm sure they're busy with him. I feel like he'd go to Emory a lot trying to get her to teach him how to make all her quarry natural remedies and such.

While he doesn't really like teenagers and generally up until they're 21, he's got a soft spot for the volunteers and young victors. He remembers what it fealt like, how much the arena changed and took from you and how hard it was. He mentors a lot of the "lost causes." Like when it's been a massive string of careers in a row, or there's a major rumour that the arena is made for an outlier win, or in the 2nd quarter quell, or two has just got a double victor (43) so they aren't going to have a third straight after.

He also mentors those who think they are a lost cause. When it's been a tough time, and they want to win! and they'll do their duty! but they're starting to give up hope, Knox likes to come in and beat that out of them (litterally, as well as metaphorically). Unfortunately, since he never got a victor, due to choosing those who weren't likely, it hasn't impacted well for his second type, those who don't think they are likely but still have just the same chance as always, if they just get in the right headspace.

He mentored on and off for a long time, I think his last would have been the 63rd. Which is longer than the normal, but he had heart and wanted the best for those he believed had it in them.

Since then he'd settled down into his "old age" even though he's not even 60 and still spars and keeps as active as the other older twos. His talent has something with acting, privately I mean. I think his public might be a bit similar, something that he still enjoys like poetry reading because he can be dramatic with it and hide jibes amongst the metaphors against the Capitolites he's reading it too. The capitol may take his talent in the way they always do, but he can poke fun at them while they do it.

He's got a garden, and he likes walking on the mountain trail. One of the things that he got built as a new victor was actually in the forest behind, a stone, old fancy amphitheatre like the ancient ones. He likes doing soliloquies and monologues and one man shows out there, but if he can drag anyone else out to join in he's as pleased as a punch.

#district two #d2 #hunger games #the hunger games #HG #thg #lorata #we must be killers #hc oc #oc #original character

[mejomonster]

My question is how is justice in the dark going to indicate/hint the sexual tension though. (Yes suspend disbelief for a second I know it's likely it's just thoroughly cut or minimized to get to air period)

Just like. So far in the 8 eps it's stuck super close to all the elements of their connection besides the part of fei du making sexual jokes/come ons and Luo wenzhou eventually responding. Like, super close, to the point I'm quite satisfied and happy and over the moon they feel so much like they Should feel. Luo Weizhao is literally depicted as Pei Sus light in the abyss (like the title! Which is named after this), Luo Weizhao is literally his Home, his most emotionally intimate connection, that's very clear in the show.

I'm just. Curious how they'll either rework the sexual tension flirting to be Showable OR replace it with something? Because like take Tao Ze for example. Pei Su's flirting from the book is pretty much taken entirely and put on the show, except the one sexual implication joke "inviting me up to your house already isn't that moving a little fast." For all intents you can assume Pei Su IS courting Tao Ze. In retrospect, for a "straight audience" you can say pei su was just worried he'd lose his only stable emotional relationship but like... 1. That is actually true to book canon anyway so it's not necessarily wrong, 2. It's really hard to... not see Pei Su's specific treatment of Tao Ze as romantic pursuit moves, even if the reason is just "I don't want to lose my ge to his changing life leaving me behind." He asks him to get food, he gets Turned Down specifically by Tao Ze, he gets him a coffee machine and Very Pointedly says the girl should like Tao Ze which is him letting go and implying she should date him (and he'll let go of Tao Ze). Like I guess you could read it straight if... you're biphobic and think his flirting with girls rules out him courting Tao Ze?? But like except for cutting a line with sexual implications, so far Pei Sus been about as bi as I expected him to be. (Actually that seems the main thing cut - ALL of Fei Du's more sexual playboy inclinations are absent or only left implied in the show, which again makes me wonder how they'll handle that significant-chunk aspect of his and Luo Wenzhous interactions in the show).

If by luck the show can do as much as Guardian can (oh Zhao Yunlan asking Shen Wei if he's married cause he's such a catch, that did so much to set him up as into men and specifically shen wei framing their relationship interactions as with a flirtatious lean moving forward). Then I'm curious what they'll do? Since every bit of their relationship except a piece of it, so far is being handled fairly faithfully. Like... will they make Pei Su more romantically mushy inclined instead of "you want to try out sleeping with me?" Like is Pei Su gonna ask Luo Weizhao out to dinner, give him flowers, (I imagine bringing him food to station will be somewhere in show cause it's ambiguous enough), tell him he's pretty? Idk. The joke in the show in the car when Luo Weizhao says he's gonna sell Pei Su off and Pei Su says at least let me pretty up lol is the closest to their book sexual-leaning back and forth one ups that I caught so far. But I'm curious how the script writer adapted it more later? Because Tao Ze/Pei Su??? Definitely did get included in the show, but it had less of the sexual jokes in the book. Also just generally a cdrama might choose to tone that down, especially given its already dealing with heavy topics of drugs, prostitution, child abuse, family abuse, Pei Su being him (you almost kill a guy on screen as a cdrama protagonist? Color me surprised), police corruption. Oh and you know being a censored gay romance. I wouldn't be surprised if it wanted to tone down the sexual comments on its main characters.

On a mildly related note. I have a print copy of 默读 and I desperately wonder now if I got the uncensored print copy or the censored one. Because I have 2 copies of 镇魂 one simplified and one traditional, and both are uncensored, the simplified one actually has all the extra stuff too (it's my favorite version), the traditional is like the webnovel version with no Shen San extra. So like wherever I was buying my chinese print novels I got lucky with somehow getting the uncensored simplified edition before. I'm curious if my modu copy I also got lucky with.

Also reading modu in chinese has been a bizarre experience for me lately. I'm mainly reading the English translation right now. But on weibo I'll see fei/Luo excerpts and it'll be fine to read. But when I listen to the audiobook my brain feels fried with a lot of unknown words. And I remember reading it literally 6 months into learning with a machine translation next to the original text and I was absolutely drowning it'd take a week to read 1 chapter. Now I feel moderately drowning when it's description time in modu, but when it's character focused it's a very doable read. It's Harder to read than zhenhun. Also... to be fair, even in the English translation it uses a decent number of English words I don't know like maybe 10 a chapter. Which is pretty surprising as I usually am well read. So I suppose it's not surprising if I am confused by some words in English, I'm definitely confused about a few dozen words in the chinese version.

#silent reading #justice in the dark #lb #im also reading priests Mountains and Rivers book #and like. i am both lost in the setting a bit unsure wtf is going on #and again the character focused paragraphs/sentences are quite easy #also why is Every protagonists of priests a cat person lmao

[udaberriwrites]

Hm, how about Julian Bashir for the character ask game?

Julian Bashir

1: sexuality headcanon

Disaster bi, emphasis on the disaster. Most likely xenosexual too, and proud of it.

2: otp

Being completely unoriginal, my otp is with the tinker, tailor, soldier, spy himself, Elim Garak. They have so many little, flirty moments, seriously, plus there's the other ways they fit together. They both know the value of secrets, they can let their guard down around each other, they understand the other on a deeper level, and it just works, idk.

I'm also unreasonably attached to my little Julian/Leeta/Rom rareship, even if it has pretty much no basis from canon. It's still cute and mutually supportive and I love ir.

3: brotp

A tie with both O'Brien and Dax! They fit different niches in his life, but they are trustworthy and dependable but also willing to get drawn into the stupidest contests and petty debates with him.

In other words, O'Brien is the "our braincells cancel each other out when in close proximity friend". Dax is the bi "let's rank how hot everyone on the station is" bestie.

4: notp

None really? Ummm... maybe Kai Winn? On the basis of her being Kai Winn and thus opposed to fun? Though talk about crack pairings xD

5: first headcanon that pops into my head

I really like the idea that he's on the autistic spectrum, because the genetic treatments certainly weren't a "cure". He just learned to hide and create very convincing masks while he was under his parent's thumb.

On a lighter note... that he also has slept with Captain Boday, and like Dax he doesn't understand why the transparent skull would be a problem.

6: favorite line from this character

"It makes you wonder, doesn't it? Are we so different from the Romulans or the Cardassians? If push comes to shove, if we become... angry enough or desperate enough, would we stay true to our ideals? Or would we just... return here? Right back were we started?"

Oh Julian... the show is going to take that question and beat you and Sisko both over the head with the answer ☹️

7: one way in which I relate to this character

I mean, fanfic writer here, I admire his and O'Brien's dedication to LARPing xD

8: thing that gives me second hand embarrassment about this character

The 'crush on Jadzia' subplot from the beginning of S1. I was thankful when he outgrew it and I don't buy the "it was true love" pitch the show tries to sell me. It was a crush, and their friendship was beautiful, shut up.

9: cinnamon roll or problematic fave?

Cinnamon roll.

#ask game #ds9 #julian bashir #headcanon #otp headcanons #thanks for the ask!

[isfjmel-phleg]

1 for Rietta, 2 for Rachel, 6 for Delclis, 9 for Eylstan, 16 for Tietra, and 23 for Bethira, please?

What memory would your OC rather just forget?

Multiple people have informed Rietta that she can't really remember the events surrounding her father's death when she was three. But she does very much remember the household chaos and her mother's grief at losing her husband and baby within days of each other and her own confusion and sorrow at the absence of her father. It was the moment that everything stopped being perfect and wonderful, and she's been longing to recapture that carefreeness ever since.

What’s something about your OC that people wouldn’t expect just from looking at them?

Already answered!

How easily could your OC be convinced to do something that goes against their moral compass?

Between Books 2 and 3, Delclis is pressured to make a choice that he has moral reservations about but is the most expedient political move. He chooses pragmatism. He finds out that being in this position means he will have do things like that and justify them to himself all the time. It's alarming how logical he finds these decisions, how much easier they get every time.

Realizing how easy it is for him to compromise his morals (and Delclis is not without morals! he was raised with a close connection to his faith) will be a factor in his desperation to get out of being king.

Do you have a specific lyric or quote which you associate with your OC?

Not particularly? The quote from Elystan himself that I think sums him up a lot is his insistence that "There's nothing. wrong. with. me!"

What is your OC’s pain tolerance like?

Probably average. I've never had to address Tietra in a scene in which physical pain is relevant, so I'm not sure.

What emotion is the hardest for your OC to process? How about express?

In both cases, it's probably anger. Bethira has had to uncomplainingly accept a lot of unjust treatment for her entire adult life and has been given little to no control over what becomes of her or her children. She's had to play the role of the perfect consort in public while being stuck in two successive unhappy and emotionally abusive marriages. She has lost babies and been expected to immediately move on and try for another. She has strained relationships with the two sons who did survive. There's probably a lot of frustration and indignance welling up inside her with nowhere to go. Acknowledging it to herself would be dangerous; it would break a dam she might not be able to seal up again. And expressing it is utterly unthinkable.

#asks #valiantarcher #thank you! #The Blackberry Bushes Q&A

[swallowtailed]

tm notion arc 2 (46-49):

one side of the table is speedrunning area x, the other is messing with temporal causality-- this is what i listen to this show for!!

-- and as it happens, i have the very slightest idea (due to poking around ao3) of who ends up committing a murder with the prophesized gun, but no idea how or why, and i actually think that is adding something interesting to my experience. pre-confirms that the viewing of events (by gray and demani) has indeed brought them to pass. love a book of life!! love a stable time loop!!

the axioms are only getting more fascinating. i wasn't initially sold, but polyphony was great, and ache is SUCH a concept

the new fashion shows for every situation are always top fucking tier. relatedly: the milk plan is destroying me. i blew through two and a half episodes at work and kept stopping mid-specimen to just absorb what was happening. i don't want to get spoiled on plot points this late in the game but i'm desperate for art of this terrible infiltration

something is also clearly being slow-rolled right now, plot-wise. the waking cadent is... someone? and there is... some distant threat? i am kind of wondering if the waking cadent = kamala cadence = the figure in the e49 intro who joined the hegemony and is now coming back to the fleet. as there've also been slight allusions to the idea of kamala cadence not being quite so egalitarian as previous discussed. (also, i think it'd be interesting to really force the fleet to confront its past! fatt's apocalypses are so good always)

main thought: the divine universe really fucking is a story about cycles. which, like, i've heard and been told, but i don't think i grasped fully until now. twilight mirage is bringing a lot of partizan into clearer focus for me--the origin of the principality, the treatment of empire as recurrent, a lot of attitudes around divines--and i am really excited for palisade :):)

#first arc dragged for me but this arc. hellO #fatt #hello world #and then third arc looks like it swings directly into the finale?? #can't wait to finally find out what happens at the feast of patina lmao #(also i'm moving quicker than i expected? i abandoned the idea of finishing tm before palisade but tbh i'm not not close) #(i mean i'm still not gonna quite make it but like dang) #twilight mirage #fatt lb

[tobydandelion]

My Very Weird Journey pt 2: Everything went better than expected?!

I can't believe my luck, but I've fallen into the absolute perfect situation; I moved in with a long-haul trucker. I've had a lot of time alone to recuperate and reflect, and to study my own disability and how to improve my functionality to the point of being ready to go back to school.

I finally have a medical cannabis appointment, which isn't until November. But I've been able to take the time, and make the sensory pain sacrifices, of reading small amounts of bright web pages to do further research about experimental treatments for sensory integration issues. (I've never been one to put all my eggs in one basket- I like having a 'plan B'.) And since I had noticed that otc cough syrups had always slightly positively impacted my sensory experience, I looked into whether or not this had been observed by other Autistics that live with severe sensory integration issues. And I came across something that I'm now livid isn't being aggressively researched more.

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30109474/

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/16134036/

The wording is ignorant to the point of hateful, but anyone actually familiar with extreme sensory distress would understand instantly what might be happening here; The subjects aren't in as much sensory pain. (Allistics and sensory-seekers: You would probably act 'aggressive' too if the world hurt to exist in, basically.)

So, since dextromethorphan was readily available in its' pure form right there on Amazon, I of course decided that I was going to be on the cutting edge of Autistic Biohacking, as I suppose I had already been doing with my fairly extreme self-accommodations. I need to read more into the terms of service for this app before I go into more detail or technically advocate for these methods here, but I will say that more research is needed. Desperately. Right fucking now.

Medical cannabis will be lovely but is no longer a necessity for abling myself and resuming communication with the world. I wrote this post in one sitting, and I feel calm and level, and like I could keep looking at my phone for a while. That had never been the case when typing on a backlit screen without cannabis before.

The reality of how drastically different my life will be now keeps hitting in waves, I keep thinking of all the wonderful media to catch up on, and all the things I can do on my own now.

It's really over. Sensory hell is over. And the first youtube video I watched in four months was Danny Gonzalez's review of 'Roar'. :)

#actually autistic #autism #autistic pride #autistic adult #autistic positivity

[meditating-dog-lover]

Eczema update 03/17

So I've removed cocamidopropyl betaine from all my skin and kitchen care. I'm using soaps that don't contain it. I even got some soap dispensers and soap refill pouches so I can take them with me to work and public.

This is what is causing contact dermatitis. So I'll cut it out for a while and see if I notice any positive changes in my skin. I don't believe this is the only thing causing my eczema, which is why I'm also considering other options. I do believe that eczema has an internal cause and not just a cause restricted to the skin surface level.

I already take vitamin D, zinc, and omega 3 fatty acids, so this takes care of the nutrition aspect. I cut out cocamidopropyl betaine. Some other things to also consider are detoxing, stress, and gut health/food sensitivities.

I've been taking milk thistle and dandelion since last week in hopes I can see any positive changes caused by the liver detoxing properties. That takes a while and I have to be patient and take it for 1-2 months. Also I'm reading Cleanse to Heal and was wondering if incorporating celery juice would be helpful or even more effective than my current detoxing supplement. I did not like the taste of the celery juice and the juicer is big and takes up space. I'll figure out how to approach this. Again the detoxing process takes a while and can get worse before it gets better. So just because I may flare in the detoxing period, it doesn't mean it's not working. I saw a video of a guy on Youtube who drank celery juice for 5 weeks until he noticed his eczema disappear. It takes 1-2 months at least.

Lucky for me I got a flareup this morning. My ring and pinky fingers on my right hands are red and oozy. But they're much better now. I know I'm flaring, but at the very least my skin is better than it was last week. The redness and dryness is gone. I don't really know if this is caused by me removing cocamidopropyl betaine or taking the detox supplement or both. I'm 100% sure detoxing takes a while though, the contact dermatitis will probably immediately disappear once I stop using the allergen on my skin. My skin on Thursday was dry and itchy and red, so I felt desperate and applied steroid cream (even though I hate using them, but I needed something anti-inflammatory immediately because I got so annoyed and fed up). I could not even flex my fingers and bend them from the dryness and cuts and irritation. I also have this issue after itching my skin very hard to the point where my fingers become swollen and spongy, so it hurts to bend them into a fist.

I'm getting the anti-inflammatory nutrients I need, I'm removing cocamidopropyl betaine from my skin and kitchen care (it's found in most hand and dish soaps). I'm working on the detoxing and I'm still reading the book and will decide if I want to try the celery juice out. I've become so stressed since October because of what's happening in Gaza. My skin has become itchier and worse since it all happened. My cousin developed vertigo and anemia recently because of this, and there's no doubt in my mind that stress and mental pain can cause these physical manifestations.

I can work on the detoxing and stress/anxiety management. I bought and am reading 2 books on each. In the future I will reach out to the functional medicine doctor I contacted so I can do a gut and sensitivity analysis. I did a food sensitivity test using a take home kit and the results were inaccurate. I'd rather speak to a professional about this. I'll give it a month or so because I don't want to overwhelm myself with treatments and want to wait on the 1-2 month results of the detoxing and stopping the usage of cocamidopropyl betaine.

My skin will get better after this morning's flareup. At least it looks better, I just have 2 spongy fingers on my right hand that are sore. I'll give this all a month and then I'll consider the food and gut stuff. The redness and dryness I used to have on my hands up to my wrist is healing and getting better. However my skin is still inflamed, I even experience itchiness on my mouth and neck and chest (the same spots where I have the dermatitis). I know inflammation takes a long time to undo, so while it's still active of course little things can set it off. Like tomatoes or the wrong type of moisturizer.

The air purifier and dusting were great ideas, but I doubt they're the cause of my eczema. I'm not allergic to dust. I also bought a moisturizer from Avene and am using it with an occlusive (either Vaseline, Cerave, or Aquaphor, none of which irritate my skin). I've been using Vanicream and I'm not sure if that irritates my skin. I used it yesterday and on Friday and got a flareup this morning. Maybe it's something I ate or I just got stressed? I don't know honestly, but I woke up with very itchy hands. The Avene cream hasn't irritated my skin and is hydrating (it smells like Playdoh and I assume that's the smell of the hydrating lipids in the formulation).

So the hand cream helps, and I'm sure that avoiding products with cocamidopropyl betaine has helped too. I also started taking detoxing supplements. I'm not sure which one of the 3 or if all of them helped with reducing the dryness and redness in my hands. I want to be realistic with my skin care habits and set goals I can see myself following for a long time. I don't know if it's the stress, the detoxing process, the Vanicream, or a food sensitivity is what caused the flareup. Again the inflammation will disappear eventually with the new skin and kitchen care products and the detoxing, but inflammation is a positive feedback loop where the body will produce more inflammation when it senses any in the first place. So breaking the cycle and eliminating it is very hard but possible. I'm going to continue with the new soaps, the new hand cream and occlusives, and the detox supplements and see where this takes me. I want to make detoxing a normal part of my health care routine so I know how to handle skin irritation effectively, but without doing something risky, dangerous, and little evidence of being helpful like colonics and coffee enemas. No thank you, I just want to do realistic stuff like take liver supplements, take my multivitamin than contains detoxing herbs, sweat, drink some herbal tea, drink enough water, and even some baths. I know juicing (like celery) helps, but again I hate the taste. I'll look into more techniques too.

Like I said I really don't know what the ultimate root cause of my eczema is. I'm worried it may be a food sensitivity, and I hate cutting out foods. I haven't eaten tomatoes in 3 weeks and I am worried other foods may be triggering inflammation. I've been eating these foods for a long time and had no issues, the inflammation just recently started. I hope I get to go back to eating those and the cause of my skin inflammation isn't foods. I believe it is due to stress due to the war in Gaza, but who knows? I need to work on figuring out the ultimate root cause so I can live with healthy skin and not have to rely on steroid creams.

[cesium-sheep]

I know it's really distressing to people so haven't really talked to anyone about it directly for more than like a minute. but also because it's not like a doctor told me it was true so I feel kind of ~insane~ for being so certain even though I'm actually quite reliable in this regard. I don't know, I don't know, I'm already worn so very thin and ragged. I don't know what I need aside from Fucking Proper Serious Healthcare. it's been almost a year since I had any "this will help" medication change, and right about 2 years since any of those changes were actually someone else doing any of the work. no wonder I'm crumbling to dust. but I'm too fucking tired to be irritating about it and nothing happens if I don't do 90% of the legwork. I'm worried that if it is mcas and I was right all along I might not survive long enough to get treatment I didn't fucking design myself out of a book. at least if it's mastocytosis or some hidden cancer fuckery the nice hematologist can do something right away.

I'm sad all the time, but I've been through A Lot mentally and I can feel the fucking difference. this is not that, even though it is also A Lot. this is my body slamming every button it can to desperately make something change, burning through everything it has left. I don't know how to make it make sense to anyone else and I don't know that it even matters if I do.

#ask to tag

[casspurrjoybell-29]

Healing Ties - Chapter 46 - Part 2

*Warning Adult Content*

Several minutes later, they began to see more human shaped figures up ahead.

Familiar figures.

Raya, Lusa, Amela, all alive and well.

Atticus, the huge centaur who had been so kind to them.

Simon and Hamish, the two humans from the mage camp.

And there, standing next to Simon and looking up at Duran with slack jawed wonder, was Danya.

Duran tried to climb down from Harrison's back so quickly that Harrison almost dropped him but after a moment he managed to let the two of them down safely and Duran ran to give Danya a hug.

When Fanner wandered close enough, Danya tugged him in as well and turned it into a three way hug.

Finally, Danya pulled back, his hands cupping Duran's cheeks.

"I'm so glad to see you but... how are you here?"

"I..." Duran's gaze wandered upward as he thought over what he was about to say. "I don't understand half of it myself, honestly. But I'm here now, and I chose to be here and I think that's all that really matters."

"I'm sorry it couldn't have come at a better time."

"Well, it could have but I said no because I thought I was smart enough to make things better and instead they only got worse."

Fanner glanced over at Yore.

Several of the other wolves had gathered around him and they were bouncing about in excitement and licking his face.

So many people loved him.

After these last few days, Fanner understood why better than ever.

"Fanner," a female voice said, and Fanner jumped.

Zunda, Yore's mother, had stepped up beside him.

"Yore told us you're a skilled healer."

Fanner felt almost scared, though he had no reason to.

That wasn't supposed to be a secret anymore.

It just felt unsafe, having people know and talk to him about it, especially when Yore was busy with other things.

"Well, I... Yes, I suppose. Maybe. There isn't really a standard to compare my skill level to, so, well. I don't know if I can say that I'm..."

Fanner bit the inside of his cheek and dropped his gaze.

This was Yore's mother, the pack leader.

She was an important, busy woman.

"Sorry. Yes. I have some skill at it."

"We've got some wounded in the group. Danya's been helping as much as he can, but his ability is more limited. Can you help?"

"Oh... um..."

Fanner glanced in Yore's direction but Yore was still busy with his wolf greetings.

"Yes, well, of course. Or, I hope I can? I'll try my best."

"I don't mean to make you anxious, Fanner. I know you haven't always been given the warmest of treatment by my people but I hope we can all appreciate the importance of working together now. I will admit that even I could have done better in that regard."

"Oh, no, no, it's okay."

Fanner sent a desperate glance in Yore's direction.

He didn't want to outright say he wanted him with him for this because how could he justify that?

He couldn't even fully explain to himself why he thought he needed him.

"I'm happy to help."

Fanner had been starting to think that Yore had forgotten him entirely but the second Zunda started leading him away, Yore brushed past the other wolves and dashed to follow after him.

The person Zunda led him to was a man riding on the back of one of the centaurs.

He was so large that he had to be a werewolf and he had two bloody holes in his thigh, one where a bullet had gone in and the other where it had come out again.

"Duffy says it missed the bone but the damage to the muscle is bad enough that he can't walk," Zunda explained. "Can you do anything about that?"

When Fanner glanced at Yore, he found that he was already shifting.

He let the question hang, unanswered, until Yore was firmly on two feet.

"I think so? I can but not instantly. Faster than I heal Yore because it's fresh but..."

"We have to be careful he doesn't burn out," Yore interjected. "I'm sure healing this will be fine but we need to be careful of his limits. There's a battle coming and we'll need him more than ever after it's been fought."

"I'm sure between the two of you, you can find a balance," Zunda said as she helped the man down from the centaur's back.

"Thank you for looking after my son, Fanner. I know he's the one who ran off to rescue you but after whatever he went through to do that and to get back to us, he's ended up looking better than he has in years. I'm sure he has you to thank for that."

"Oh, well, um... maybe?" Fanner said as he crouched down to examine the man's thigh so that he'd have an excuse not to look Zunda in the eye.

It felt a little weird to hold eye contact with her, like maybe it was disrespectful even though everyone else did it.

"I haven't done much yet, honestly. It probably has nothing to do with me."

Yore crouched down next to Fanner and brushed the loose strands of his hair away from his face, leaving his hand resting on the back of Fanner's neck under the pretence of holding it out of the way.

"It has plenty to do with you. Did you forget all that time you spent healing my hips last night? I know I fell asleep quickly but don't think I'm unaware of the work you put into it."

"Well..."

Fanner shrugged.

He wanted to say that Yore's hips were just one part of him that were hurt but if Yore felt it had made a difference for him, that was all that mattered.

When Fanner glanced up at Zunda, he caught the fond little smile she aimed in Yore's direction.

She'd noticed the way Yore was touching Fanner but she didn't seem upset about it.

She gave them both a shake of her head and walked away.

"Anyway, Fanner, the man with the bullet hole whose thigh you're touching is Yan, my uncle," Yore said.

"Oh, um, sorry, yes, of course," Fanner said as he stood, hesitated and then awkwardly offered Yan his hand to shake.

Did werewolves even shake hands?

Companions certainly did not.

Yan clasped Fanner's hand with far more confidence than Fanner had offered it with and gave it a firm shake.

"On Emity's side, not Zunda's. We've got none of that fighting over leadership crap to worry about. Think you can help me with my leg? I tried to walk it off but every time I put weight on the damn thing, I fall right over."

"Oh, yes, definitely," Fanner said.

"Um, Yore? Could you help get him over to that big rock over there so that he can sit down?"

"No problem," Yore said.

By the time Yan was seated on the rock and Fanner had found a comfortable spot on the ground to sit and start to heal him, a small group of people had gathered to watch.

Fanner sent Yore a worried glance, silently pleading with him not to leave him alone.

At this point, he didn't even know why it made him so anxious.

Was he still afraid someone would hurt him somehow?

Was he just uncomfortable with this level of attention?

Companions were trained to be demure, unassuming, modest.

He hardly knew how to respond to praise.

A meek 'thank you, sir' wouldn't work here.

Yore sat down next to him, a clear sign that he wasn't about to leave.

Fanner took a deep breath in, let it out and focussed on the task of healing Yan.

That made everything easier.

When he was healing someone, the rest of the world just melted away.

There was no room for silly worries or even very important worries.

Nothing but the task in front of him.

The wound was fresh enough but it was horrendously deep.

It had only mostly missed the bone.

The bone wasn't broken but the bullet had grazed across it in a way that couldn't be helping with the pain.

It was manageable, though.

Not too complicated and certainly a lot less tedious than what he'd been doing for Yore.

He could just get stuck into healing without any scar tissue getting in the way.

Fanner wasn't sure how long it took him.

Ten minutes? Half an hour?

When he dropped his hands to his sides and sat back, he noticed there was now an even bigger crowd watching him.

Yan stood up.

He took a cautious step, let out an exhale of surprise, and then took another few more confidently this time.

The watching crowd started to applaud.

Fanner instinctively tucked in against Yore's side and Yore's arm came up to wrap around him.

Yore waved his other hand in a downward motion to settle the crowd.

"Thank you but he's a little timid."

"Sorry," someone called out and the attention of the crowd shifted to Yan.

Fanner took the opportunity to retreat, Yore's hand firmly grasped in his.

"You've earned their gratitude," Yore told him once they were further away. "I know you wanted me to protect you and I will but if anything happens... so will they. I promise."

"It's not really about that anymore," Fanner murmured, not wanting anyone else to overhear but knowing that was impossible around so many werewolves.

"Or... I don't know. I'm worried about a lot of things but what scares me about losing you is a lot more than just what it means for my own safety. I care about you."

"I care about you, too. I think my heart knew that within days of meeting you. That I wanted you in my life. I'm glad you gave me an excuse."

"I just thought I was being selfish."

Yore squeezed Fanner's shoulder.

"You're never that."

Fanner heard a series of thumps and he looked over to see Atticus beating his hooves against the ground.

Once Atticus had everyone's attention, he addressed the group.

"We have daylight left to travel by. It is time to keep moving."

[simplymekaty]

Good, bad & everything inbetween

I've really been struggling with my mental health the past 3+ months. More than I ever have. I have been afflicted with frequent episodes of 'weirdness'...this feeling is so hard to explain...like I become hyper aware that I cannot see myself - that all I ever see is my reflection. I also have odd moments of being unable to complete the most innocuous of tasks e.g. buttering some toast, without feeling like I am on the outside of my body and my hands can't handle the simple little manoeuvres required. It's not like it's an out of body hokey depersonalisation feeling where I am on the outside looking in at myself. Well it is in so much as I FEEL like I am on the outside of my body but sort of not at the same time because I am still unable to see myself. I told you...it's weird as fuck.

I feel like I am going mad in moments like this. Like I'm high on some psychedelic medication but it's certainly not a feeling I've ever experienced when taking any prescribed or unprescribed drugs.

The headaches that come afterwards are a killer too. Part of me assumes it's all the chemo hangover and I know that I am only 8 months post treatment and my body is still dealing with the chemo aftermath and that I shouldn't be too hard on myself or worry. I mean, I'm not worried at all actually. It's just so unpleasant dealing with this and feeling out of control.

I haven't helped myself by limiting my social interactions the last few months because of it. Which is massively unlike me. We are weaning me off one antidepressant & replacing it with another in the hopes they give me the much needed serotonin & noradrenaline boost that I so desperately need.

I've never been one of those people who is ashamed to admit when I am battling with my own thoughts but I do find being geographically separated from my closest friends quite difficult at times and can become a little reclusive when I don't have the energy to travel to see people. I am a lover of video chats now after always shunning them pre-COVID so that helps me stay connected but I am definitely a shadow of my former social butterfly-like self.

I wonder in part if my mental health struggles are to do with turning 50 this year & being very aware of my own mortality. I mean, sheesh...I'm too young to be this old right. And I think as well I'm very conscious that my Mom passed away at 63 and I am only 14 years away from that, which I know rationally is ridiculous. But it's there.

And it isn't that I am afraid of dying either. I think that's why I handled my whole Cancer journey as well as I did. I'm not afraid to die. It's the one sure thing in life. Death. The end. It has more to do with the fact that if I only have 15 years left on this planet, that's not a lot of time to do the things I wanna do and spend time with the people I care about. I mean hell, even if I love another 20 - 30 years that's still not enough time is it. Especially as with some friends, like those in the U.S.A, I may only see them once every 3 or 4 years or so...which might mean I only get to see them 2 or 3 times before I or any one of us does actually die. It might seem maudlin but it's just an inescapable fact.

I guess also, even though I never thought I'd settle down with someone, I should have by now, in theory, been married. And even though that wasn't something I'd ever dreamed about, part of me is sad that I won't ever get to experience that. And knowing I won't ever fall fearlessly & hopelessly in love again, that really sucks. I miss being in love. A whole lot. Though it's only fleetingly wistful these days. I refuse to get bogged down in 'whatcouldhavebeens' that stuff just eats your brain & I'm done with that.

I started to write a list of stuff that I love to do with the promise to do more of it, on my own if I have to because that girl who turned her life upside down more than once for other people, she can sure as hell do it again as a nearly 50 year old woman, but this time for herself.

So, that being said...I will always be honest about my feelings and not hold back just because I feel I might be too much for someone or be afraid of reactions.

I will do more of the things I love like camping (who knew), reading or listening to music by camp or log fire home or away, engaging in late night til sunrise talks with people who feed my soul, go to the gig - on my own if I have to, go on long roadtrip vacations & stay in log cabins on my favourite lakes & wake up to go wild skinny dipping. I will say Yes to any & all invitations to do any activity I've never done before or that I've always been too scared to do.

I will face my demons head on and refuse to let my soul be haunted by old ghosts.

What will be will be, but I will face everything from now on with that enduring spirit that has got me to where I am now. I am strong, I am resilient and I may have been down the last 3 years but I am not out.

I want to leave this earth with a head full of fantastic memories of the things I had the courage to do, not a heart filled with regret.

#simplymekaty #stronger #beating depression #love #thoughts #musings #no regrets #face your fears

[one-winged-dreams]

#vent #sort of #i talked to my therapist for the first time in a couple months #we were talking about my downward spiral and how literally nothing is working #like even she agrees medication isn't going to cut it #so she hesitantly recommended something really controversial #she basically straight up told me i should look into electroconvulsive therapy #my case is apparently THAT severe #she said she practically never recommends it but i'm progressively getting worse and nothing i do is working #i have very mixed feelings about this because 1. oh my god i never thought i'd be THAT person #2. i'm wondering if i'm really that desperate for treatment #and 3. it sounds really really REALLY scary #i'm reading up about it and sweet christ #i don't know what the fuck to do #i think i'm gonna keep trying drug roulette for a while (which i really don't have high hopes for honestly) #i'm wondering if i'll get to the point of such desperation that i'll actively consider it #i'm mostly just airing out my thoughts but if any of you have any opinions feel free to share them