#.... the phone call appointment was on 16th and the latter said therapy would start in 6~ weeks

[goldhirsch]

                                                    to-day will die to-morrow;                                                  time stoops to no man’s lure...

𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐇𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐋𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓𝐒

      a twenty-three year old, jewish, french-canadian entering his junior year at lockwood double majoring in human physiology and psychology with hopes of becoming a professional physical therapist in the nhl, a path inspired by his own struggle (and continued struggle) to physically and mentally recover from a serious injury ; plays defense for the men’s ice hockey team and was named the captain for this season ; a gentle jock most people would consider the mom friend of the group, though he has experienced a deeply tragic loss and has plenty that he still keeps close to his chest.

𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐒𝐓𝐎𝐑𝐘

( general tw for a bit of mental instability / depression ; this will likely be alluded to in threads as well )

— jason was born jason cadoc cloutier in gatineau, qc but that didn’t last all that long. by the time he was two, his father was out of the picture and he and his mother took back her maiden name of goldhirsch. it was for the BEST, really. jason never really missed his father, hadn’t been old enough to miss him and his mother was a rock and his idol. when he was nine, his mother met a new man and eventually they married and moved to saguenay where he would spend the latter part of his childhood growing up.

— his mother signed him up for hockey when he started to get too rambunctious for a single mother to handle, and he took to the ice like all good canadian parents hope their children will. it also became a critical bonding point with his stepfather as well when he entered the picture.

— his talent on the ice was undeniable, no generational talent by any means, but he was extremely good at what he did. it started becoming more obvious as he hit bantam and then midget levels, eventually getting drafted 10th overall to the rouyn-noranda huskies of the quebec major junior hockey league ( qmjhl ) in the 2014 qmjhl draft. it was then that the whispers started and that tiny percentage of hope at the pipedream that was the nhl started to grow. there he played for two years, establishing himself as a top-pair defenseman by his second season despite his young age. that season ( 2015-16 ) they won the regular season title in the qmjhl and went on to play for the memorial cup though ultimately they lost. that off-season, he was taken 16th overall by arizona in the 2016 nhl entry draft ( sry jakob chychrun ). he returned to the huskies the season after being drafted to continue to develop.

( begin car accident & death & injury tw )

— his third season with the huskies was off to a strong start. by february, he was already setting career highs in points for the season & was gaining ‘defensive maturity’, and the team was on pace for another regular season title. they were gearing up for a deep run in playoffs when disaster struck. on the bus for a set of away games, the ride started like any other until a tractor trailer t-boned the bus causing it to flip several times. the bus crumpled like a soda can. jason’s memory of the moment is still pretty fuzzy ; that’s probably for the best. the result of the crash could only be described as carnage : too many dead, others critically injured. jason had been at the front of the bus talking to one of the coaches when the collision happened — that probably saved his life and allowed him to escape with relatively minimal injuries, despite shattering his lower left leg and fracturing his right.

( end tw )

— news of the crash shook the hockey community, the huskies decimated and season obviously over. jason faced months of physical therapy and grappled with the idea he may never skate again and the repercussions of that on his lifelong dream to play in the nhl, on top of the grief at the loss of so many teammates he’d come to see as BROTHERS.

— he remembers little about those months, even less than he does the crash, but he knows that was without a doubt the lowest point in his life. they put a metal rod in his right femur and another in his left tibia, but it wasn’t the physical aspect he struggled the most with, but the mental. his physical recovery could be described as a miracle. he was driven to prove his doctors wrong, to make a full recovery and play again — and come end of summer, he could even skate again and he did, but in the absence of a million doctor’s and physical therapy appointment, the mental aspect reared up and proved to be much harder to overcome. first it was the nightmares, then it was the shaking in his hands even before he stepped foot on the ice, worst of all was the panic attack after he dropped the puck at iamgold arena on opening night to symbolize new beginnings or some shit : the memories, the guilt, the pain… he couldn’t play again. how could he ??

— he retreated back into himself, picked up some menial and mind numbing minimum wage job at tim hortons if only to get his mind off things and him out of his house per his mother’s pushing. more push and pull with his mother finally came to a head and he conceded to therapy, which slowly and non-linearly eventually did start to help. he went for walks in the cold, crisp dawn and eventually thinking about hockey didn’t hurt so much. winter faded back into spring. the first anniversary of the crash passed painfully. summer arrived in all her bright glory. and in those weeks, those months, jason truly started to piece himself back together ( not just physically ) and a new path for himself slowly revealed itself.

— jason had always been smart enough, doing decent in school but college had never been at his forefront, even with a mother who was a professor. but now it was like it was the only option forward, a new opportunity, and a new path to journey down. he prepared his applications, labored over his essay ( a small talent for memoir revealing itself ), and then submitted his applications and waited. he was rejected by a few, accepted by more, and then came the acceptance notification from lockwood university and a phone call from their men’s hockey coach. players from the chl ( from professional leagues aka leagues where players receive pay or a stipend ) aren’t typically allowed to play in the ncaa, but they could get an exception for him and his circumstances. he eventually accepted his offer from lockwood, though he said a pretty strongly worded no to the hockey team.

— but the thought had been put back into his head, and with his therapist urging him to face his fears and get back on the horse or some shit, jason did finally start seriously skating again. and he eventually found that beneath that compressed pain and guilt, he truly just missed the sport and even though his lifelong dream was hardly feasible anymore, he missed it in his life. hockey had been everything to him once, and he had to find who he was without it — but hockey was still integral, still important, something he wanted and not just because it was all he knew.

— lockwood’s coach was persistent, though jason was hardly willing to make any commitment, he finally did take up the offer to come to the first week of pre-season summer practices. they say a lot of things are like riding a bike, but for jason getting back into hockey and the game was just like tapping into those years and years old instinct and muscle memory. soon enough summer was ending, classes were starting, and two years after he last played an official season, jason goldhirsch had finally found a new team.

— and the rest, as they say, is history.

𝐌𝐈𝐒𝐂.

— jason lives in a rented off-campus house a three minute walk away from the hockey arena, which makes it the perfect place to stay when you consider all those morning skates and practices. he lives with three of his teammates ( 4 of them living there altogether ), all fellow juniors and seniors. the house has been “passed down” through ( aka continuously rented by ) several classes of lockwood men’s hockey team members and is often the hub for all team parties, making it known somewhat unofficially around campus as the hockey house. ( see the snapchat tab on jason’s theme to get the vibe.... honestly they’re dumb and stoopid ).

— he lived in the dorms for his freshman and sophomore year, but opted for the house as he wanted a real kitchen that wasn’t shared with like... the entire building or whatever.

— he also owns a black cat named kraken, a token from his healing process after the accident ; an emotional support animal who’d been critical in that first year after, originally prescribed to help him with insomnia and ensuing nightmares. she’s also quite fond of water, something jason is quite entertained by it. kraken’s emotional support aspect has waned a little as more time has passed and jason has begun to heal, though he still takes solace in her company. she’ll often perch on his shoulders while he does homework and sleeps with him at night. she still aids him through panic attacks and will wake him at night if she senses him in distress. this cat adores him and you can tell.

— jason watches the sun rise every day without fail unless he’s completely passed out. it’s both a reminder that each day isn’t given and a homage to those who no longer are around to see it rise.

— he doesn’t own an awful lot, and though he might try to pass it off as ‘ minimalism ’ the truth is there isn’t an awful lot in his room to personalize it. he does have a few plants in his room though, because he likes the idea of taking care of something and it gives him a sense of control ( more on this later ).

— his hands don’t shake as much as they used to, though now it’s usually a precursor to a panic attack. he’s tried to take that in stride as much as he can, in an attempt to prevent or mitigate them as much as possible.

— he’s fluent in québécois french bastard french as well as english given he spent his entire life in quebec before coming to maine for college. he’s “accentless” in both languages having grown up speaking both. he is also jewish like his mother, can speak halting yiddish and could survive speaking german if he really had to. a close friend has also been teaching him swiss german.

— however, jason has struggled with his faith the past few years ; the tragedy of the crash has shaken his idea of a higher power. however, he still participates and enjoys the sense of community that comes with faith. this is something that’s also been picked apart pretty meticulously in his therapy sessions.

— attends counseling / therapy biweekly or at least every month still. though the accident is quite a few years in the past now, jason still struggles at times. healing is a slow and non-linear process and he is no different.

— he doesn’t like coffee, but he drinks hot chocolate out of a tim hortons thermos for Clout.

— he acts like he’s impervious to the cold even though he isn’t. a bitch refuses to wear more than the hoodie. but to be fair he did grow up in sagueney.

— his skills in the kitchen are actually quite impressive. he can cook very well and enjoys cooking for his friends, which comes as a surprise to some. he often finds cooking to be “productive procrastination.” that being said, mediocre at baking at best unless it’s boxed brownies.

— also he is pescatarian and keeps a pretty lax form of kosher, though being pescatarian in general cuts down on the complexity ( eg. keeping diary and meats separate ). for him it’s mostly avoiding shellfish and other non-scaly seafood, and isn’t terribly strict on eggs and diary products being kosher. he does keep all his cooking things in his own cupboard and won’t let others use them if they’re cooking meat. he isn’t against cooking things with meat for others, though he still doesn’t use pork ( sry no bacon, friends ) and often still keeps meat and dairy products separate.

— his favorite takeout food is tofu pad thai ; his favorite to cook is salmon and asparagus

— smells…. cold ?? think pine trees covered in snow.

— jason has a knack for languages and is learning swiss german from his friend sebastian who he met at the u18 world juniors in switzerland. they have a friendship they’ve kept ever since. it’s not uncommon to hear him on the phone stumbling through conversation in swiss german.

— he’s a bit claustrophobic. it’s something he supposes surfaced in the aftermath of the attack, this extends to buses and planes and probably the reason he dislikes flying so much. he hates the feeling of being trapped or the sensation that he could be trapped — perhaps tied to the rising importance of control in his life. no one lock him in a closet, i think he’d freak out.

— he reads a decent amount, a newer post-accident development. prior, he used to sleep on the lengthy bus rides, but he finds it difficult to do so after the accident. he also found his mind still tended to wander when he watched movies or shows, therefore he’s ended up reading quite a bit, any and all subjects — some pertaining to his studies, plenty that don’t. he owns a kindle paperwhite that he doesn’t travel without.

— he is a cancer ( JUNE 21st, summer solstice baby ) and i read this one cancer analyzation thingy and it was like “ dislikes : strangers, criticism of mom, and revealing personal life ” and i just want to say that’s…. spot on.

— while he’s almost always in attendance at parties, it’s more to keep an eye on his friends than to really participate himself. it’s not uncommon for him to nurse the same one or two bottles of beer throughout the entire night. at the same time he’s not exactly a downer and definitely doesn’t look down on those who have fun ; he’ll just have his fun sober — ironically, this may tie into his need for control, despite the fact he knows that getting drunk could also maybe numb the pain.

— human physiology ( the study of the human body ) & psychology ( the study of the mind and behavior ) : it seems like an unlikely combination of majors, but during the year and a half of re-calibrating his life and coming to the realization he needed a NEW dream, jason learned a few things ; one of them being that recovery is as much mental as it is physical. he chosen these two majors in hopes of becoming a professional physical therapist someday. he hopes he can take his own struggle to return from injury physically and mentally and turn it into a source of empathy for him in the future.

— jason is a defenseman and was recently named the captain of the team for the upcoming season. at the height of his elite prospect status, he was a highly coveted offensive defenseman with incredible skating skills and a hockey IQ off the charts. he could drive a game from the blueline and break up the other team’s offensive plays before they even happened. he is based ( play-wise ) on a combination of cale makar and mario ferraro. post-accident jason is not quite the same player, though no one hardly expected him to be after his long hiatus. his agility and skating ability suffered the greatest, though he has slowly been working at getting that back over the past couple years and is getting to a reasonably comparable point. he’ll likely never get to the place he was. it’s also a huge issue of if his body could handle the fatigue and stress of a heavily athletic life ; it’s alright for now, but professional is almost certainly out of the question. his hockey iq bounced back the quickest, and in the wake of the accident, he’s seen himself step into more of a teaching and mentoring role, part of what makes him a good captain. his teammates respect him greatly, and not just because of what he’s been through. ( detailed timeline of the teams he’s been on HERE. ).

— jason uses a CAGE instead of a plexiglas fishbowl or hybrid shield because the two latter make him feel super claustrophobic. definitely misses the freedom that comes with #visorlife which he’s familiar with from his last year in the chl, but them’s the rules. ( for those who aren’t familiar, the american collegiate hockey at all levels requires full facial coverings regardless of age, unlike professional and national teams which allow the use of a visor once the player turns 18 ). 

— also while we’re on ncaa hockey, there’s also super super strict rules against fighting which include automatic game ejections and subsequent game suspensions. after your first fight of the season you’re suspended for the next game, after your second fight of the season you’re suspended for the next two games, and so on — considering there’s only a maximum 34 of games in a college season ( not including conference tournaments and the ncaa tournament ), you very much want to avoid game suspensions. this means fighting is actually quite rare in the ncaa. ( but this doesn’t mean there still aren’t scrums around the net or after the whistle : pushing and shoving and chirping and yelling and general feistiness, y’know ).

— jason knows he’s quite lucky to be alive and to have returned to hockey, but part of him laments that he was never able to participate in the world junior championship ( the main one aka u20 ) and get an opportunity to play for gold there. it’s definitely the dream of everyone who plays youth hockey in canada, and jason would have likely been named to the team in 2017 and/or 2018 if the accident hadn’t happened. it’s not something he dwells on, but during his necessary time off to recovery seeing wjc highlights everywhere certainly took a toll on him ( though looking back now he can see it helped in his healing process ).

— he realized he was bisexual when he was sixteen, freshly moved away from home and living with a billet family. everything felt so open and free and he was able to explore a few things. this is a fact he’s kept mostly to himself in the years that followed, at first concerned with his future in the nhl, and then just because he’s had bigger things to worry about since then. it’s not exactly a secret now, though he’s not openly vocal about it and is a pretty private person in general. you might see some guys leaving his room occasionally or him getting chatted up by all sexes at parties, people can make of that whatever they want, though likely the default assumption as it is for most male athletes is that he is straight. in general, he isn’t all that interested in pursuing romantic relationships as he recognizes he’s still not emotionally healed and prepared for that.

𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐎𝐍𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐘

— he’d always been one to know just what others needed — even before the accident. that life event maybe nudged a few more buried traits forward though, replacing the urge to use that knowledge for his own gain and instead use it to HELP others. the past two years have seen jason grow into a full-fledged mom friend : always the most sober at parties, always the one with the bandaids, always the one leaving aspirin and water on his friends’ desks. no one’s really sure of everything he keeps in his backpack, but it does always seem that he has exactly what someone needs at exactly the right time. a running joke on the hockey team that they call him “mom” ?? probably alsdkjflaskdjf.

— it’s not really surprising jason was named captain of the team, either. sure, he was an inspiring story, and sure, he was still pretty decent at hockey even with two metal rods in his legs, but the coaches saw more than just that when they gave him the C. it was the guy in the locker room with always the right thing to say second intermission still down two, the guy on the bench who knew how to get a rookie who deflected an own goal his confidence back, the guy who stayed late to help the backup goalie solve the problem with his blocker side save. captaincy isn’t all about scoring goals and fancy dekes : it’s about heart and moral fiber and leading by example ; there’s a reason it’s not always the best player on the team that gets the captaincy.

— since the accident, jason has become far more controlling. some people might take a life or death situation like that as a sign to live in the moment, but jason is not one of them. he still feels his life spun so far out of his control in that year and a half and never wants to experience that again. because of that he controls as much as he possibly can, from his appearance, to the way people perceive him, to the confines of his suite and dorm. as a result, he’s a neat freak, always having things meticulously organized. when he’s stressed he cleans and organizes — it can be his stuff, it can be a friend’s, it can be a complete stranger’s. deep down he knows there’s not much he could’ve done to prevent the accident, but that doesn’t stop him from at least trying to create the illusion he can control everything in his life.

— a facet of control is perhaps an over-protective nature. he was wary of getting close to people upon entering lockwood, but keeping people at arm’s length never was his strong suite. he cares very deeply for his friends and teammates, and has an almost irrational fear of losing them. it’s a fine line between control and being willing to do anything to keep the people he loves safe.

— jason still struggles with survivor’s guilt. the fact that a simple choice of just where he sat on the bus determined his life or death completely freaks him out. the gravity of his loss, the empty spaces left by so many absent friends, didn’t hit all at once — it was gradual until it was a stifling weight he feels like he can’t bare some days. he’s still in therapy to deal with his internal thoughts, though it was originally a huge struggle to get him to go. besides his therapist, he doesn’t like to let many other people privy to his thoughts, especially those surrounding the accident. he won’t tell people what happened, though some may be aware from the news or just word of mouth.

— it’s been a long time since jason has given much attention to matters of the heart, but in love, jason is just as caring and protective as he is with his friends ( truly just “two” by sleeping at last to a T 😔😔😔 ), perhaps even to a high degree. some part of him is driven by that survivor’s guilt that still struggles with the idea of being happy, but he also strongly feels that he just isn’t ready to date or enter a relationship again. he is someone who values his friendships greatly and is more than content with that — and some no-strings-attached sex if it comes to it. falling in love, though, he’s starting to think that isn’t for him and honestly he has no interest in making an attempt to figure out if it is. however, some view jason as a bit of a “player,” but the truth is lesbians simply flock to him for protection from campus creeps.

— despite all these internal thoughts, jason still manages to present himself in a fairly positive manner. he’s good at pretending he’s fine, already been one to keep his true emotions close to his chest even before the accident though it might not have been obvious to see given his overall friendliness. he doesn’t want his tragedy to define him, though it has undeniably changed his life.

𝐀𝐏𝐏𝐄𝐀𝐑𝐀𝐍𝐂𝐄

— 6′2″ ( 193 lbs ), a pretty strong build

— tan skin, dark brown hair, trimmed short on the sides and styled longer on top like SO.

— STYLE : jason is practically a walking cliche of male college athlete style. he tends to prioritize function and comfort over looks and boy does it show. his day-to-day look doesn’t fluctuate much : a never-ending revolving door of fitted t-shirts and athletic shorts that occasionally touch on the side of slightly too short and tight, slimcut joggers and pants with sweatshirts when it gets cold. in general, he doesn’t own that many clothes, and ones he does often look quite similar to each other. his outwear of choice is definitely just hoodies all the time. if he’s wearing a real jacket, it really must be cold. or he’s sick.

— he wears a rectangular silver pendent on a chain almost always. it belonged to a particularly close friend & teammate he lost in the crash.

— tattoos : lit candle ( inside right wrist ), stag with a crown ( left outside shoulder ), jack g’s butterfly ( outside left forearm )

— he has several small scars, most from glass and metal during the crash, as well as one on his right thigh and lower left leg from his surgeries. on occasion he will walk with a slight limp, especially when he’s tired or it’s especially cold and damp out.

— PINTEREST BOARD

𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐓𝐒:

— PRONUNCIATION : JAY-son GOLD-hersh

— NICKNAMES : j or jay, hershey ( hockey )

— BIRTHDAY : june 21, 1998 ( cancer )

— LANGUAGES : english ( first language ), québécois french ( second language ), somewhat conversational german, bits of yiddish, some swiss german

— LABELS : the protector, the helping hand, the broken dove

— EXTRACURRICULARS : men’s ice hockey ( defense, captain, #21 )

— EDUCATION : psychology & human physiology ( lockwood university, in progress ), high school diploma ( 2015 )

— SEXUALITY : bi ( not common knowledge )

𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒

WANTED CONNECTIONS TAKEN CONNECTIONS

𝐎𝐎𝐂

       hello everyone !! i’m ollie, 22, est, they/them pronouns. super excited to get things going here !!

#intro