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#--positive emotions from it even though that was wrong I was wrong I was unacceptable stupid mistaken grotesque monster.
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AITA for "unknowingly" cheating on my girlfriend?
🤍🍇 so i recognize post
preface: yes i am, theres no excuse, i just want to hear more ppl's thought because different ppl in my life have very different opinions on this??? even though i think cheating is cut and dry?
earlier this year, i (20nb, tho i was 19 at the time) was in a purely monogamous relationship with my ex (19f). there were ups and downs, i had some issues that i really shouldve talked to her about, but overall it was the best experience. id never dated anybody before. she's the only person who ive ever loved in that way. i think shes the best person, funny, smart. i was really lucky to have her.
i have another friend, who i'll call H (21f), who has been my friend for years. we're really close, and we've shared a lot with each other. i also love her deeply, though in a different, entirely platonic way. she has told me that she loves me, and has loved me in romantic ways, even though i've never reciprocated (im fine with that, everyone in my main friend group is a little bit polyamorous).
there were two main incidents that happened between me and H. the first, i didnt really understand what was going on or that it was entirely wrong. we were cuddling, which i do with all of my friends, and she started getting really into it and getting on top of me. she asked if she could kiss me (on the lips) and i said no, partly because, well, i had a monogamous partner, and partly because i hate kissing on the lips. i probably shouldve entirely cut it off at that moment. my only excuse (which is pretty flimsy) is that, im kinda aroace so physical affection and the difference between platonic and romantic have always left me a little confused. i kinda thought this was normal, especially because H is polyamorous and in several relationships that heavily blur the lines between platonic and romantic.
then, about two weeks after that, H and i hung out again, but this time we were smoking marijuana. weed makes me highly suggestible and also incapable of remembering anything past about five seconds. not that im blaming the drugs, just describing the situation. basically, H and i were cuddling again when she decided to move on top of me and got flirty, with a lot of touching sensitive places for the purpose of getting a reaction (all above the belt). i went along with this because i respect H, ive known her for a long time, and i didnt want to say no to her. again, not an excuse, because she didnt force me to do it.
in the moment, i didnt think this was cheating. we werent doing anything explicitly sexual, we weren't making out, but we were definitely frisky and i know H was horny at the time. a couple hours later, when i sobered up, i suddenly realized what we had done and asked H if i had just cheated on my girlfriend. she also seemed to realize what had just happened and we agreed that i had cheated, that it was entirely wrong, and we should never do it again.
i decided to tell my ex about this immediately, because i thought she should know. i asked if she was in a position to hear bad news, and when she was, i was completely honest. she obviously didnt take it well, mentioning how she felt like she could never trust me again despite being the person she trusted most in the world. she loved me but this was unacceptable and a huge violation. i agreed, and after a bit of thinking, i told her that i thought we should break up. i had terrible guilt about what i'd done and assumed that we'd never recover, and it didnt seem like she could pull the plug, so i did.
she proceeded to get even more mad at me because of this, which in hindsight is completely understandable. from her perspective, i had just dropped two emotional bombs on her, and maybe i was implying that i liked H more than her. i wasnt, and i dont, but i know why it came across that way.
my other friends agreed with me that i shouldve broken up with her after that. in hindsight, i dont know if it was the right choice. i miss her dearly and wish i had worked more on the relationship.
we've since talked about it. i told her that i still loved her (bc i do, very deeply, and i dont know if i'll ever get over her) but said that i dont expect anything, dont expect a relationship, etc. she was okay with this because, in her words, she trusts me to not make it a big deal or awkward. we hang out frequently now, we watch anime together, and we get along well as friends. i feel so lucky that she is willing to spend time with me, that she still enjoys my company even a little bit.
the confusing part is that i told my dad about this and he basically said, "you were 19yo in a long distance, online-only relationship. this was inevitable and you shouldnt feel too bad about it. it was wrong but not the worst thing ever." i dont really agree with that, because it was a pretty serious relationship despite being online. we even met up at a convention and spent several nights together in a hotel. it was the happiest weekend of my life. i thought i could marry her maybe someday. and i dont think being 19yo justifies it. 13yo maybe, but i was old enough to know right from wrong, even if my knowledge about romantic and sexual relationships was underdeveloped.
basically, im looking for nuanced opinions. i fully expect the results to be YTA. im hoping ppl can give me any sort of insight in the comments.
PS: H is partially to blame bc she knew i was in a monogamous relationship but please dont hate on her too much in the comments, we've had a lot of talks about this and what happened drastically changed the way the both of us see relationships and each other. basically, she learned her lesson and she was never trying to be a bitch or a homewrecker. i know her well enough to know shes a good person at heart. she's also not on tumblr to see any of your comments. direct all of you criticism towards me, please.
What are these acronyms?
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jacespookiebear · 11 months
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ೃ࿐ 𝙔𝙤𝙪𝙣𝙜 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙗𝙚𝙖𝙪𝙩𝙞𝙛𝙪𝙡: 𝙘𝙝𝙖𝙥𝙩𝙚𝙧 5
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summary : you are the youngest daughter of Viserys I Targaryen and Aemma Arryn. Outlived your mother and your older twin brother, Baelon, in childbirth. You were titled as (Y/n) “The Undying” Targaryen.
pairing : jacaerys velaryon x targaryen!reader
warnings : incest, tension, sexual content, age gap (reader is about 3-4 years older), jace is about a year older in this fic, misogyny, self-harm, violence, angst, teen pregnancy, birth, meraxes is alive and thriving with vhagar :D
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“Hush now, Princess,” Lysanna tried her best to console you as you kept spurting tears. You blew into the tissue she gave you. “You were only frustrated..” you were all back on Dragonstone from Driftmark, except for the Ser Laenor, who was murdered, in his own home and in his father’s hall. Not only were your nephews grieving over their father’s death but you all had just came back from the wedding ceremony of Daemon and Rhaenyra. The Old Valyria wedding put all kind of emotions on the children’s faces, especially Daemon’s daughters. You and Lysanna certainly had no clue on what to feel. But you weren’t crying about that, it has been over a few weeks since you told your step-mother a heavy lie, it had you refuse to even look or speak to your nephew, Jace, ever since.
“And what of my nephew?!” you lifted your head to face Lysanna, who frowned and could not speak another word. “He will forever curse me once he finds out! He will hate me..” you continued to sob and sneeze into the tissue. Rhaenyra was there, hearing of it all. She wasn’t mad at all, no, she was quite contented! But had worried for you, of course.
Though, she had thought it was wrongful to put yourself and her family in a bad position with Alicent. Daemon thought you were fussing over nothing. Honestly, the couple wouldn’t mind if you were to be betrothed to the eldest son, your bond with Jace reassured Rhaenyra that it would be a marriage of eternal happiness and love. “Sister, stop your cries. I had no idea you had thought of Jace as a potential suitor.” She lightly chuckled. You scoffed at her comment, but said nothing . The corners of her lips lifted and her eyes glint with wonder, “Jace would never hate you. In fact, I believe this is what he always wanted.”
You got up from your chair to circle around your lady-in-waiting and your sister, clearly getting ready to rant some more. “You don’t understand!” you choked on your tears and gave yourself another break to breathe, like what Lysanna told you to. “I said a lie..a lie that is utterly unacceptable! Jacaerys said it himself—if he was to be betrothed, it would be out of duty not out of love!” you continued as the two listens, “And I have been ignoring the poor boy..I’m the worst person to have ever lived in the Realm..”
“Stop that nonsense now, Y/n,” Rhaenyra ordered, and suddenly there was a knock on your chamber doors and it began to swing, you quickly ran out of the view and under your bed:
“It must be Jace! I can’t look at him in the eye!”
You heard Rhaenyra groan at the way you hid so quickly, Lysanna laughing at the scene. Jace entered the chambers, with a frantic look on his face.
“Mother,” he muttered, turning to look around the room and once he was done, he frowned at his unsuccess. “have you seen the Princess? I searched the entire castle for her. We have not spoken since..I am worried..” you felt your heart break at his words and tone.
“My darling boy,” Rhaenyra smiled, she and Lysanna exchanged a look to each other before continuing, “I heard she might be in the gardens..but before you go, you must answer me truthfully.“
Jace stared back at his mother and gave a slight nod, wondering what she wanted to ask. He was worried it was a question concerning the Princess, you.
“Are you upset with the Princess?”
The question made Jace blink in confusion. He wondered where did his mother get the impression that he was in distress. But to answer her, he shook his head, “No. Why would I be?” he asked, curiously. Rhaenyra only smiled in return and slightly shrugged her shoulders,
“No reason,” your sister said, “be sure to tell your aunt.” Jace nodded and pardoned himself to leave the chambers, continuing his mission to look for you before having to go back to his studies with your uncle, Daemon. Once he left, you slid out from under your bed and heard Lysanna continue her laughing fit, you gave her a glare in return.
Rhaenyra got up from her seat and had plan to leave but before she could, she turned to look over to you, “You should go to him. Talk to him—he will understand. If you want my truth, I believe Jacaerys would be the perfect suitor for you.”
Your sister gave you a smile before she walked out. You bit your lip in frustration, she was possibly right. Lysanna helped you off the floor, quickly fixing your hair before you excused her to go find the twins and Luke to play in the library like always. After some time of hesitation, you finally walked through the halls of the castle and went outside to the gardens to find your nephew. Finding him was easy as he was near Meraxes, who was laying next to the trees, resting.
Your nephew looked rather stubborn when he couldn’t see you anywhere near your dragon but his face was quickly lit up when you approached him. “Princess!” he ran up to you, Meraxes slightly lifted her head and let out a huff, it was a sign that she missed your presence.
“Forgive me, my Prince,” you fiddled with your sleeves, you gave Jace a neutral smile. He looked confused for why you were apologizing, “These past few days…I have left you in the shadows..”
Jace nodded in agreement but held no ill feelings towards you. He watched as you began to pick at your skin once again and stopped you before your skin could turn red. “You must hate me.”
“I do not,” he answered, “I have missed you.”
“What a sweet reassurance.” You dryly confessed.
“You’re troubled,” Jace noted, curiously. “I wish to help you if only you tell me.” You hesitated to speak once more but Rhaenyra’s words clouded your thoughts and you grew more confident.
You gave your nephew a genuine smile and signaled him to walk with you through the gardens. “I am to be betrothed.” Jace quickly whipped his head to the side to look at you, panic spread all over his face. He did not look happy, not one bit.
“To whom?!”
“Well—many great houses had offered their sons’ to me. Uncle certainly had enjoyment in declining every offer,” you explained, “he says no lord deserves the hand of the Realm’s Beauty.”
Jace, still not convinced, he bore an emotionless expression as you finished speaking. “Are you to marry a Martell?” he asked, you shook your head once again. You were making his head spin, then who were you supposed to marry?
“It is my duty to tell you the truth,” you begun. You let out a deep breath and took Jace’s hands into yours, “I had whispered such lies about us and for that, I am terribly sorry, my sweet nephew,” the anticipation left Jace very impatient and nervous, “I have spoken on your behalf to the Queen…we would be married..” after the long line of silence, certainly you expected a harsh shove and a angered expression but instead he tightened his grip on your hands.
“I will do my best to honor you, my Princess. I am relieved to hear you say those words.”
You shook your head at his words, surely he was only saying those out of duty. You wanted his honest feelings. “Please do not lie. It was my fault, it is not my place to speak wrongfully about you and for that I am terribly sorry.”
Jace grumbled at how you pulled away. “It does not matter,” he says, “I am quite contented to know you want us to be betrothed…are you?”
His question burned into your head, you did not know how to feel or what to say. You are happy to know that your nephew was on your side, that you do not need to marry a high lord from a great house. House Baratheon and House Lannister were amongst them and were rather desperate for your hand, your uncle tells you—from the many letters they sent and offers they bargained to the King. Rhaenyra had liked the decision of offering your hand to the new Warden of the North—Cregan Stark, he was around the same age as you and is a capable fighter. But you were happy enough to know you would marry your nephew, he would make you happy and is a noble boy who has respect and honor unlike your brother, Aegon.
“I am happy.” you insisted, truthfully. 
To your answer, Jace looked relieved and sighed happily. He gave you a smile and you both continued to walk together while he began holding onto your hand.
That settles, you thought. You will marry Jacaerys.
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As times have passed, 2 years to be exact, very quickly. You had just turned ten-and-seventh and your betrothed certainly had many plans in mind for his ten-and-fourth nameday that was coming up. Rhaenyra had decided to let the celebrations be held in King’s Landing, to the King’s requests. The halls of where meetings were held, you sat in front of your sister and uncle who had continued making preparations for your wedding. Your betrothed was running late, Lysanna had informed you that he slept late last night.
“I had already requested for an Old Valyrian wedding,” you reminded for the hundredth time. Your uncle, Daemon was all on board for it, you are a Targaryen and you must stick to traditions. “I do not wish to be married under the Seven. I do not believe in the Seven. This is my marriage, remind the Queen of that.”
Rhaenyra tapped on the wooden table, she received word from the Queen that she would like to also be part of the planning of your wedding. She wished for you to have a wedding under the Seven, with all the Great Houses present, but you wanted an Old Valyrian wedding. For years, you planned for your wedding to be held under the great traditions of your house. Rhaenyra was rather frustrated to be in the middle of your quarrel with your step mother but of course, Daemon found it amusing.
Your elder sister let out a tired sigh, she leaned into her seat. Although she sided with you but the Queen had very much insisted on this matter. “I understand, sister. But I have tried to reason with the Queen. I shall talk more on the matter when we arrive to King’s Landing for Jace’s nameday.” as she finished, the doors opened and your lady-in-waiting, Lysanna, arrived with a handful of letters.
“My Princess, I brought the letters that you had asked for,” she announced and you ushered her to come closer. The letters that you had Lysanna prepare to send across to the North, to her brother, the lord of Winterfell. Letting Lord Stark know you were arriving to visit Winterfell after your wedding. You’ve been planning to have a trip in the North for years now and you made sure to also bring Lysanna. She had shown to be grateful to visit her brother after years of being apart.
“Very well, Liz,” you spoke happily, you looked over at the letters with content and they were all beautifully written. Lysanna was known to be very proud of her penmanship, since she had become learning how to write, her main duties were to write all the letters that were to be sent from Dragonstone. “Have a raven send them off. And with our preparations..let us be finished, sister, I shall retrieve to my chambers.” you wished, with a nod from your sister, you had left your seat. As you left, Lysanna stayed behind to talk with Rhaenyra and Daemon about the continued demand letters from House Lannister, it’s been years since Rhaenyra announced your betrothal to Jacaerys Velaryon and yet, House Lannister had still insisted on offering Jason Lannister’s hand.
With each step towards your chambers, you grew more irritated. Irritated towards your step-mother, who wouldn’t take no for answer. You felt yourself grow mad everyday. As though you are in Dragonstone, miles away from King’s Landing, your step-mother still found a way to have a say in every decision you tried to make.
With you occupied in your own thoughts, you suddenly felt large but strong hands wrapped around your torso and pulled you inside in a room— a room that looked to be Jace’s chambers. Letting out a loud gasp, you heard a chuckle. Once you turned, you saw your betrothed. He was dressed in his training attire. Jace had grown so much, he grown to be more taller and bigger. His looks are more defined and mature, no longer possessing those chubby cheeks you had always squished when he was younger. But Jace could say the same about you.
You always were beautiful, but still you had changed, a lot. Your hair grew more longer and fuller. The curls appeared to be tighter with the years that had passed. Certainly he had watched your breasts and hips mature as well, you no longer had the ability to wear the dresses you had owned since you were twelve. Rhaenyra had the seamstress make you a whole closet filled of gowns after your ten-and-fifth nameday. Now you mainly wear blue and purple gowns to honor your betrothed’s house. You had still worn red and black gowns from time to time, though, you missed wearing white. It was a color that suited you better than any color, everyone in the Kingdom would agree.
“Ñuha hūra qēlossās,” Jace cupped your face, with your frustrations still bubbling inside you, you moved away from his touch. Noticing on your behavior, he did not urge to touch you again, wanting to respect you. “my apologies for not arriving at the planning..”
“You said you would make an effort in attending.” you remembered. As much as you loved Jace, you couldn’t help but feel a little unsure in this betrothal. Making your way near his window sill, you could feel Jace’s presence behind you.
He sighed, sitting on the couch that was nearby instead of being right by your side. He wanted you to come to him when you were ready. “Indeed I have..promised...” he knew he screwed up. You were already so tense about the whole wedding and to make it even worse, he couldn’t show up to the preparations.
Silence covered the room, it went by slowly. Jace was impatient, he wanted you to speak. To break the silence. To break the awkward atmosphere in the room. But you continued to look out the window, you watched Meraxes fly freely in the sky, Vermax closely following behind. The two became inseparable year after year, the ill tempered dragon grew more comfortable around the company of the Silver Queen. A small memory clouded your mind, one where you had to apologize profusely to the dragonkeepers who were in charge of Vermax, receiving angry roars and scratches from him whenever forced to be separated from Meraxes. You remembered being so mad at Jace who only laughed at the situation when you explained it to him.
“It appears Vermax shares the same love I have for you, for Meraxes.” Jace had once said to you. The words stuck with you ever since, unsure how to feel or what to say. It was possibly true for a dragon to share the emotions with their dragonrider.
“She wishes for us to be married under the Seven,” you muttered, confessing what is on your mind. Lifted your head to turn to look over at Jace, “who knows what else she wishes..next she will force our children to bear names that are not suitable for Velaryons..”
Jace let out a soft laugh. The thought of your children together— makes him fill with joy, though he does not show it. “I shall agree with her,” furrowed your brows at what he had said. He continued, “our children would be Targaryens.”
“Ñuha vēzos, you are a Velaryon.”
“Not when I ascend the Iron Throne.”
He is right. Once he is crowned King, he will bear the name Targaryen, meaning your children will start bearing the name Targaryen as well. Making you remember that your firstborn would inherit the Iron Throne after Jacaerys and so would their firstborn. Even when time will pass, you still could not wrap your head around those facts,
“If it bothers you, Princess, then we can name them after dragons.” the thought of having your children be named “Balerion” or “Vermithor” made you giggled. Your mind no longer remembering your anger towards Alicent but now you were ecstatic and in a good mood— all because of your future husband.
“Even if you had forgotten about your husbandly duties,” you turned your body away from the window and moved towards Jace, “you were able to help me forget all about my troubles.” you sat on the couch and moved closer to him.
“Thank you.” you whispered into his ear. Jace gently held onto your arms and wrapped them over his shoulders for you. You breathed in his scent as a way to calm your nerves. Perhaps you were wrong. In your eyes, you made the right decision in choosing Jacaerys to be your future husband, the future father to your children.
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I feel like this chapter was a little more shorter than the others😒 I’m sorry about the delays. School is rough!! I was having trouble with how the story should continue but I’m adding more and more plot cus I love this fic so much it’s like my baby right now.
taglist (woohoo!): @sigynxlokiwifelover @l-3-e @audigay @urmomsgirlfriend1 @cold-v0dka @cookielovesbook-akie @theoriginalwife000 @xoxovenusquinn(would not let me tag u:( @ghalakgx (would not let me tag:( @neenieweenie @classysassynabitsmartassy @generousbearwolflight @gariben @si1versamurai @deltamoon666 @aemondssiut (would not let me tag u:( @thelastemzy @ryantryan6969 @topazy @starogeorgina @infinitleyethereal @speedypeter @dramaroomrat @potatolady189 (would not let me tag u:(
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Talk it through as a crew (not for me, though, just for you)
I know we give Stede a lot of grief about being emotionally constipated. He insists everyone “talk it through as a crew” and promotes and encourages everyone else’s emotional honesty, but has never met a feeling he can’t repress. He has all the emotional transparency of a particularly robust brick wall. But can we talk for a minute about how literally everyone in his life has led him to believe that sharing his feelings is not to be tolerated, much less encouraged?
From the first flashback we see of little baby Stede, he’s being taught suppressing his emotions is the correct course of action. He has an obvious honest emotional reaction of fear and disgust when his father beheads the goose right in front of him, blood spattering his face and clothes. He gasps and turns away, squeezing his eyes closed, and burying his face in his hands, whimpering. His father instantly and coldly chastises him for doing so. “Open your eyes, child. This is what a man’s work looks like,” Father Bonnet says. “Your natural impulses are wrong, actually; suck it up, buttercup, and be a man” he means.
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By the time we see him at school, Stede’s peers have upped the ante. Instead of just a sharp reprimand for daring to find happiness in a flower bed, the other boys reward his transgressive joy with physical violence - chasing him down, lashing him to a rowboat, and hurling rocks at him for sport. The message is clear; softness and weakness are not to be tolerated. Any trespass is to be hunted down and beaten out of you.
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Once we get to his engagement, we can see the effects the long-term application of enforced emotional suppression has had on Stede. The hesitancy with which he suggests, “I just... I thought that when I did marry it could be for love,” is heart-breaking. It’s almost a question rather than a statement. He’s tucked into his corner of the very narrow carriage, not even letting his arm brush his father’s lest he invade his space. He doesn’t even LOOK at his father until he’s done speaking. Yet even as meek as his request is, he's still met with a derisive sigh, as though his father can’t believe his son STILL doesn’t know better than to indulge in these emotional extravagances.
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Everything we see of Stede’s childhood is angled at showing him just how much he needs to deny and hide his true self to be found even base-line acceptable. Social obligations before self interest ALWAYS. Bend yourself to fit, or we will BREAK you into the right shape. Make yourself smaller. Learn to want less.
Is it any wonder that Stede enters the married state almost entirely emotionally checked out? He’s learned the lesson well that his only safety is in suppression and self-isolation.
Sadly, once he’s married, things don’t get much better.
I want it to be clear that I’m not blaming Mary for her reactions to Stede’s indifference and distance. Anyone would be frustrated if they tried to make the best of a sub-optimal situation only to find the person who is supposed to be their partner doesn’t seem inclined to contribute much of anything to the proceedings. Unfortunately, the ways in which Mary vents her frustrations reinforce the lessons of Stede’s childhood.
We have no context for her reaction to Stede’s comment about Arthur at the dinner table - perhaps it’s the first time he’s bothered to say anything in a conversation that she’s single-handedly kept going for some time - perhaps they had an argument earlier and this is the first thing he’s said since - perhaps they had established a turn-based answer system and he was stepping on someone else’s turn. But whatever the reason, by refusing to acknowledge him and very pointedly moving on, she’s signaling that his participation is not welcomed. By association, his preoccupation with soft and kind things is judged just as unacceptable here as it was to his schoolmates.
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The reticence with which he introduces the idea of taking the family to sea calls to mind the same hesitancy with which he posited the notion of marrying for love. His voice is soft and he positions himself below Mary in an almost supplicating posture, mostly looking at her out of the corner of his eye. In his mind he’s proposing a way to make the family situation in which he feels trapped work - finally contributing an idea about how to make the best of their sub-optimal situation. In Mary’s mind, it’s yet another instance of him tuning her out, hot on the heels of his clumsy, half-insulting reception of the painting she had been so excited to gift him. It’s perfectly understandable that she loses her temper and yells at him, but doing so only serves to shut Stede down as surely as the childhood castigations he suffered at the hand of his father. Immediately his body-language becomes withdrawn and shuttered, hands folded in front of him and head down, and his speech becomes higher-pitched, halting, and hesitant - hiding as much as he can lest he further provoke her.
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Is it any wonder he pretends everything’s fine when Mary later makes the opening salvos of an honest dialogue about their feelings about the marriage? She’s shown him that she’s not a safe person with which to share his honest feelings. So it’s the old routine instead - learning to cry silently so you don’t bother anyone with it, or worse, get yelled at for it. Breathe through your mouth so they don’t hear how stuffy your nose is. Make up sufficiently plausible excuses to give them the option of ignoring what they might have heard if you get caught.
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Stakes get even higher once he’s gone to sea. Stede wants to try a new, more gentlemanly sort of piracy, and approaches his crew as “supportive, caring, and responsive to their needs” - the kind of emotional support he wishes he had been afforded. How distressing it must have been to him, then, to learn these were the exact reasons his crew was contemplating mutiny. That because of his emotionally supportive approach, they viewed him as unacceptably “weak… craven, [and] ill-equipped to lead men.”
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After the accidental death of Badminton, Stede learns that the situation is even more dire. It’s not just mutiny on the line; according to Olu, “everyone up there wants [Stede] dead.” The only way to avoid being murdered and to earn the respect if his crew is to suppress his emotions, and pretend the most traumatizing thing that has ever happened to him is not just fine, but on purpose, and something to be proud of.
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So of course “talking it through as a crew” applies to everyone except Stede. The crew have expressed that they are literally willing to mutiny and murder him if he lets his real feeling be known.
Alas, even Ed is not a wholly safe harbor for Stede’s emotional expression. Upon their first proper conversation, after Stede awakens from his stab-wound induced fever-dreams, he is able to safely share his secret passageways and wardrobe indulgences with Ed, but when Ed later introduces the theme of “feel[ing] trapped’ and Stede clearly starts to physically open up, and hesitantly starts to share: “Yes. I have... I very much have felt that way…” Ed is so caught up in his own shit that he doesn’t realize that Stede was on the verge of confiding something even more intimate than his hidden wardrobe. Stede has learned well how to make himself smaller. He gives Ed room to rant, but his own confessions go unvoiced.
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There’s a similar mechanism at work prompting the miscommunication that leads to the tragedy of the season. After the kiss, Ed is jubilant - caught up in the excitement of the moment. He starts spinning his grand plans, and doesn’t recognize that, in deference to Ed’s exuberance, Stede is Not Saying some very important things. Multiple times during the exchange, we see Stede looking away from Ed, his body turning away, his brow furrowed and his lips pressed together. This is not the face of enthusiastic consent.
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Even when he says yes, he’s excited and smiling, but his lips are so tightly pressed together there’s no way he could say any of the things he very clearly needs to be saying.
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So, yes. Stede could be better at expressing his feelings before they get so overwhelming that they explode out of him. But before he can do that, he needs to have a space where his emotional well-being and possibly his very life are not imperiled by doing so. And I really hope he gets it next season oh, my very dears, because I want a Stede-in-the-bathtub scene to mirror Ed’s. I want it like burning.
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lucysweatslove · 5 months
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10.29.2023 // I still don’t have a word for it.
Reality: I still don’t feel like my body is mine, and I don’t have a word for it. It isn’t quite depersonalization, as I don’t feel outside of my body. And it’s not gender specific so it’s not gender dysphoria either. It’s not body dysmorphia, because I know exactly what my body looks like, and that’s part of the problem- I understand how I look, it just doesn’t “feel” like me. But the second part of the problem is that I don’t think there is any way I can create congruency.
I get this feeling every so often. Usually it’s pretty fleeting, maybe a few hours of intense and distressing disconnect, then I sleep, and I just kind of move on. This time it’s just a little different- I don’t feel significantly distressed like usual, but I can’t move on from it. Every time I see my face or body, I KNOW it’s me and can feel physical sensations and emotions from my body. But
Maybe this is just the reality of getting older since I’m almost 30, though I also think a lot of it has to do with recovering on my own through this time as well. Like, maybe I disconnected from my own body a little to make recovery easier/less emotionally taxing because I didn’t have help navigating the emotional toll of a body that went from sick but socially acceptable to healthy but socially unacceptable. When I eventually got to a position where I could appreciate health in an “unacceptable” body, my health deteriorated and my body became even more “unacceptable.”
And now I’m in an aging body that is both socially unacceptable in appearance AND physically falling apart, I’m once again not sure how to accept it. I think part of this too is grief. Just thinking about the last 4 years of my life, when my health started falling apart to now- I’ve done a lot but haven’t really accomplished anything.
Nobody tells you how fast 4 years go by when you’re mid-20s. You wake up one day thinking you have time to figure your life out. You do some hard work to be okay with the fact that your life isn’t working out the way you planned, that it’s okay to be set back a little, and you’re dedicated to doing what is needed to get where you want to be… but then you blink, you’re almost 30. You may have successfully done a lot, which deserves celebration, but you aren’t caught up because time moved the same for you as it did the fresh faced 20 year old.
I AM proud of myself for navigating life the last several years. Recovery was hard on its own, but I also got a master’s degree, got married, adopted a pug, supported my husband through TWO hip replacement surgeries, applied to medical school, got into medical school, and have already navigated a couple blocks. It just took me a lot longer to navigate all of these things than I thought it would.
I think I’ve always felt like I’ve been playing catch up in some way. Sometimes I wonder if this is a common autistic or “twice exceptional” experience or if it’s just… something a good proportion of the world experiences… or maybe it’s just something those who have experienced severe mental illness experience idk.
I don’t really know what is going to help me feel reconnected. My instinct of course is what I always do- major diet and restrict, try to drop as much weight as rapidly as possible. Sometimes I think, if I were back to X size, I’d like the way clothes fit again, but I know that another huge part is that I do NOT feel like me at all in the kinds of clothing I’m expected to dress in- though I also know that the clothes I like are more “socially acceptable” on smaller bodies. Seriously, I see the clothes my peers wear and look amazing and professional in, but I know if I were to try the same outfit it just wouldn’t look right on my body. Every time I try to wear clothes that feel like me, I feel like I look wrong in them, even if the clothes fit.
Normal people can probably just go on a diet for a little bit, lose some weight, bounce back into their bodies (thought efficacy of keeping that weight off may be variable). I, however, have to worry about going back to my own personal hell every time I so much as consider how many grams are in my breakfast banana.
So anyway, no actual resolution. I’m stuck in this meat sack wired to interact with the world via electrolytes (sodium, calcium, potassium, chloride) and neurotransmitters. Attempting to change it could be Very Bad for me. Attempting to be “health minded” could also just be thinly veiled attempts to change the meat sack, which again, could be Very Bad. Soooo idk.
I guess next week’s therapy session will be interesting and worth the $25 copay.
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danna-kurt · 15 days
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The Silver Thriving Tree (Reflection Essay)
Danna Kurt Sahagun, I'm a plant that has the potential to grow into a tree. But before that happens, the plant must undergo certain steps or processes. Though I'm still young, I've faced obstacles that have broadened my perspective. I'm grateful for the lessons I've learned. Let me share my story, which might change your outlook too.
When I was ten, I began to struggle with numerous pimples painting all over my face. I felt disgusted with myself and considered myself the ugliest person alive. Puberty hit me hard, causing me to withdraw from people. I aged quickly, sprouting body hair which, as a girl, felt unacceptable. I avoided looking in the mirror.
There was a moment when I met some of my mother’s friends. They complimented me, saying, "Diana, your daughter is so beautiful." But their praise was followed by a critique: "She's beautiful, but she has a lot of pimples." It felt like a balloon slowly deflating. I used to be adorable with flawless skin. I wished I could stay forever young, just playing and wearing a constant smile to other people.
Some of my classmates in grades 5 and 6 teased me about my pimpled face, which shattered my confidence into a glass. However, unexpectedly, there were still positive people in my life, including my parents and the speaker in the seminar I attended about puberty. I realized that it's all part of the journey to womanhood. Having a face full of pimples doesn't mean I'm ugly. I discovered good features inherited from my parents. I realized that this is just a process to become stronger. Moreover, I also realized that I can't be forever young. If that were to happen, I would never grow, and I would remain a seed.
But life can be a harsh teacher imparting lessons in unexpected ways. One time, I joined declamation contests. I did all my best, express the emotions from my soul. I had a clear diction, memorization was there, but I always got second place. Not higher or lower than 2nd place. It feels so disappointing and I can't figure out what's wrong with my performances. It always happens from grade 3 to grade 8. I never won first place in declamation. Due to this, my heart sank when I received my poor results. It felt like a never-ending cycle of disappointment, as if victory kicked me out purposefully.
It is disappointing, isn't it? It feels like I didn't deserve to win. I also think that perhaps declamation isn't meant for me. On the flip side, what matters is I gave my best shot and strived for a wonderful performance. So, I realized that losing is part of the process to succeed next time. Shadows of doubt are covering me entirely, but I refused to let that happen. I won't stop joining contests until I become a champion. Just as the sea never runs out of waves, I won't run out of strength to keep fighting!
Declamation may be disappointing, but I'll keep on fighting. Aside from declamation, there's a chapter in my life where it felt like when sadness poured down, I embraced it all. In this chapter, my parents had disagreements, which is normal for married couples to argue. Sadly, my father left us. I love both my parents and take no sides. Despite being a mama's girl, I'm also a papa’s girl. I harbored resentment, wondering why he would leave us so easily.
I tried to be strong and stay connected with my mother and brother. Yet, I still maintained communication with my father. However, despite my annoyance with him, love prevailed. Deep down, he wasn't a bad father. He acted as a house husband and was nurturing like a mother when it came to caring for his children. He would take us to school, do household chores, share jokes, and bond with us, which made me happy.
But as I turned the page of this chapter, my father messaged my brother asking if it would be okay for him to come back on Thursday. Of course,we welcomed him back. When he did return, it felt joyful, even though my mother tried to hide her excitement. After 20 years of marriage, they seemed like new lovers. Yet I'm happy because it implies that family stays forever. So I realized that one must go through problems to see the significance of love. It's important not to hold onto grudges but to release them from bondage and forgive freely. Love is the most powerful thing in the world.
Lastly, I'm planning to become a journalist. This year, I participated in the Cluster Schools Press Conference and earned the second title. I also competed in the Division Schools Press Conference and secured got place. However, only the top three contestants move on to the regional level. Still, the fourth and fifth place winners are required to attend the Cliniquing Training from February 14-22 in case the first to third place winners are unavailable. I'm disappointed because I came so close but not enough of becoming the representative for Imus. Those two weeks of training are also crucial for the 3rd quarter lessons, written works, and performance tasks. On the bright side, at least I gained additional knowledge that I can wield as a weapon when I become a journalist. It's necessary to experience defeat in order to win and be prepared for battle. I will use this additional knowledge as my sword and shield in spreading the truth.
To sum up, one must go through many trials to become a thriving tree. We often chase after gold and forget that silver is also important. With silver, it undergoes many processes before becoming refined. I am a silver—I have faced many trials, doubts, disappointments, and sadness, but I changed my perspective positively and continued to grow. Now I am strong! Furthermore, in the future, I will be immune because I am now a thriving tree and refined silver.
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thoughtsaladblog · 1 month
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Here's an update
From crying in a cafe to hooking up with the wrong guys, to flirting with the wrong guys- the spiral continues.
I suppose I'll need to give a nickname to this one too- because Lord knows we don't want ANYONE guessing this one. So let's call him Logan (iykyk). Alright well, Logan is not someone to be concerned about in "that" sense, but lately our friendship has played with the fringes of intimacy- only in conversation of course (for obvious reasons). And while it has been simply for the sake of humour and whatnot, I am fearful of how this could impact both of us and our friendship as time progresses (once he realises that was probably not acceptable). Needless to say, that type of playful banter is unacceptable within the confines of this type of friendship- even if it isss simply playful banter. And I've got to admit that sometimes, when my fucking hormones are raging I project those built up (ahem) "emotions" onto him- and it's not always meant in humour... Also, it has given way to a sense of closeness that my lonely ass seems to be using to fill up my empty life. And by that I mean I may be seeking consolation and time from someone out of my league (in a difference sense of the phrase, of course). I feel.. nay, I know, that it is unacceptable and wrong and unholy (even though the intentions are innocent and come from a place of loneliness and vulnerability and are in no way vulgar or corrupt). What I mean by unholy is- it's not the right kind of relationship, where I can seek that kind of closeness or bond from him- even in the form of a friendship. So I'm in a battle- a battle with myself to set down boundaries and distance myself from what he doesn't yet realise, but I know, is not acceptable.
It's innocent, yes. Well... except for those recent comments made in jest. But still innocent. I claim him as a brother but honestly love him like a friend. A best friend tbf. But my best friend can't be who he is- even if we do feel closely connected. Also given that I'm the more "experienced" one in this friendship, it is my responsibility to do the right thing- because he doesn't see it yet that I am putting him in a difficult position by depending on him and confiding in him. He in his state of inexperience, feels the need to be there for me and support me in some way- he feels responsible. It's the innocence of youth, I suppose. But I know that had he had my "experience" he would know that it's not upto him to be there for me in that sense. Therefore, it is my duty to free poor Logan from this friendship. It's not easy and that's what I need to project here.
I've come to enjoy his company- I wait for us to meet. I hug him harder than anyone else. I take a personal interest in his progress and success. I am invested in his well-being and I love him very much. Platonically... Well, most of the time... I mean.. Do I find him attractive? Yes. And I admire his good looks- not in a creepy perverted way, but more like a "damn, he's become quite attractive" or "damn he's pretty tall, and his physique looks good"...hmm.. is that creepy? I don't mean it to be...
Anyway, getting back to the point... I know I can't say goodbye without it drilling a hole in my heart. It's like losing a brother- but actually like losing a cherished best friend. I can't imagine my days without our calls. But I suppose given some time that would be inevitable... So do I wait for time to teach me to let go? Or do I let go first, and let time do the healing?
In the meantime let me fill that void by doing all the wrong things, that drive me away from the place I'm supposed to be, and seek temporary validation and attention, as I spiral towards rock bottom.
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omeganronpa · 3 years
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Courting - ‘Omega’!K1-B0
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A/N: This was a request and it definitely took me a minute to figure out how to make this work. 
Warning: NSFW at the end because I couldn’t help myself. Let me live. The tiniest hints of angst. Robot relationship/AI (I saw this was a tw on some posts in the past so I guess its a thing???)
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- So, K1-B0 is a robot. He was manufactured by a person and as good as his AI is, he still isn’t human. There was a wealth of knowledge in his hard drive about secondary genders but he didn’t have one for himself. He didn’t have ruts or heats or his own scent or felt the instincts that came with the secondary genders. You would think this would make him incompatible with people - especially with Alphas. 
Wrong. You liked him and he liked you. He knew that he was - lacking - in the designation department so he asked you what you were romantically and sexually attracted to, normally. Outside of him. You said you were primarily attracted to Omegas and K1-B0 told you that he was going to your Omega. That evening, he accessed his hard drive and accessed everything he needed to know about being an Omega. 
He also - lowkey - switched his anatomy around to be more compatible with you. He doesn’t tell you until three days before your rut hits and you ended up falling into rut a lot earlier than you planned.
- You took him at his word and started courting him. It was a bit odd because he didn’t require a lot of normal courting gifts but he was still adamant that you court him the way you would a born Omega. You gave him nesting materials so he could construct a nest - placed near an outlet so he can charge - and he built one in your room because he’s yours now. You gave him scented clothing items even though he couldn’t smell your scent. He doesn’t need food so you taught him how to cook because you eat food and this is another way to spend time together. You gave him some public gifts to announce your intentions and private gifts to whisper your hopes. He recorded everything - to learn and to rewatch and be lovesick. 
- K1-B0 had Miu develop him a unique Omega scent that he could release from his neck and requested that any maintenance done on him be done in the presence of his Alpha - something she hated given that he was attracted to him as well. She does try to try and flaunt her power over him during the next scheduled maintenance by making him flustered and whiny - a very ‘see, you could never do this for him. Only I can make him feel good’ - which you took as a challenge and put her in her place. 
This led to K1-B0 and Miu having it out because your show of dominance got her submissive nature ramped into overdrive so instead of trying to assert her dominance over your mate, she tries to replace him as your mate. It is the first time K1-B0 feels jealousy and he almost rips her apart at the seams. 
Miu keeps her distance for the most part outside of maintenance but she has made it clear she wants both of you to....do things....to her. Something Kokichi finds endlessly amusing and he torments her for her unrequited love and lust. 
They also created a sealant type product that he puts on top of his entire body to make him physically feel less like a robot. It acts as a buffer between your skin and his so you can cuddle without getting stabbed by his pointy bits. Technically, he can remove parts of his metal plates but its complicated and takes a while.
- He doesn’t understand a lot of things regarding your instincts and why you do some of the things you do but he is always willing to have you explain it to him. He has feelings and emotions but he doesn’t have an instinctual compass, nothing that compels him to act in certain ways. Still, he understands mate-guarding and he will often sit in the bed with you while you sleep. No one is going to get near his Alpha while they sleep. 
He also makes very loud threatening machine noises when someone tries to separate you both. Excuse you? Where are you taking my Alpha? I’m coming too. No I don’t care if you wanted to talk to them privately. He did it a lot during the killing game for obvious reasons but once you both are brought back to reality, he cools down a bit. 
Well, he cools down with everyone but Kokichi and Miu. For obvious reasons. 
- You teach him how to understand teasing. You like to flirt with him and see how long it takes before it clicks in his lovely mechanical head. He has gotten very quick in determining when you are flirting with him but he is still hopeless when it comes to other people. In the same vein, he goes to you to verify information and ask about human interactions and humanity in general. He is very interested in seeing Alpha perspectives on things because a lot of media he has stored is Omega-centric. 
- The best part of courting is that you both know that everything you do to further the process and the relationship is a conscious choice. There is no biological drive. No instincts. No urges. Just you and him talking. Your communication is on point and blunt as hell. 
- You learn sign language with him. Okay hear me out. K1-B0 is a robot. There is a chance that he can short-circuit, experience an overload, need a restart during an upgrade, etc. During this time, he goes almost completely non-verbal since most of his processing is going towards other things in his system but he can still move his hands and understand basic questions and statements. You both learn sign language to keep contact. 
- In lieu of a promise bite - since you can’t exchange bites - you get a piece of scrap metal, glue a magnet onto the back of it, and etch your initials onto the surface. K1-B0 keeps it on his chest panel for everyone to see. In turn, he makes you a loose choker with a metal bit in the front with his name on it. He likes the way it settles at the base of your throat.  
- Just remember that you are guiding him through this whole process and will be guiding through possible mating, marriage, and child adoption if those are on the table for you. You need a ton of patience because while he knows certain things, he often lacks context. Social faux-pas are common in the beginning of the courtship but you make sure you puff up and snarl at anyone who tries to make up of him. 
There are incidents where he indirectly insults you, hurts your feelings, and questions your Alpha-hood. He doesn’t mean it. You know he doesn’t. Still, it hurts, especially when you are feeling vulnerable. He isn’t going to get why you are upset right away so your best bet is to tell him that yes you still like him but you need some alone time. When you are ready to talk to him, you can usually find him right outside the door waiting for you because he got nervous. 
- He does not call you Alpha 9 times out of 10. He calls you Significant Other, because he thinks its a nickname in the same way Lover is both a title and a nickname. Its cute. He only calls you Alpha in private because he thinks it special between you and him. He will get very upset if someone else addresses you as Alpha, even if it was casual or as a joke. 
- Aside from Miu, other people also take an interest in your relationship because of how unorthodox it is. Kokichi is a little shit and likes to antagonize you for taking courting a talking sex toy ( when he asks if K1-B0′s pussy vibrates, you take the little gremlin by the shirt and hang him on a coat hanger and leave him dangling there), Korekiyo finds it fascinating that a human and a robot are a couple but he usually just tells you that your humanity is beautiful for finding a connection in this new way. Angie reassures you that Atua approves (something you do not give a fuck about but it made your intended happy). The only one who isn’t as supportive is Tenko but she’s repressed in her own sexuality and gender so you just growl at her when she comes into the room. 
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‘Y/N!” 
You moan groggily, rolling over to avoid the loud voice of your love. The alarm hadn’t gone off, meaning it was before 6am and being awake is unacceptable. The bed dipped and you clutched onto your blankets in a futile attempt to keep him from turning you over.
“My love, I have something to tell you!” K1-B0 says, his body whirring as he flips you over and pulls you close. Your eyes open, staring up at him.
“Could it have waited?” you ask, yawning. You sit up, back against your headboard. The robot immediately crawls over to sit on your lap, his legs bracketing your hips. Your arms instinctively wrap around him, crossed loosely in the small of his back. It is his favorite cuddling position and as long as he doesn’t put his full weight on you, everything is good.
“No,” he shakes his head, “No. Your rut is in three days.”
You quirk an eyebrow at him, “Okaaaayyyy, what about my rut? Didn’t we get that sorted?”
If K1-B0 was capable of it, you knew his face would have warmed, “Y-yeah...and I know we agreed that I would feed you and wipe you down between...uh- rounds but I wanted to take care of all your needs.” 
You nod slowly, still not understanding, “O-okay?”
“Please don’t be mad but I went to Miu for an upgrade without you,” he says, his voice dropping down to as much of a croon as he was able to, “I wanted to surprise you.”
Before you can ask him what he means, he drones loudly, eyes filling with static. You can hear metal shifting but as quickly as it started, it stopped and your robot’s eyes cleared. He smiled brightly, waiting expectantly.
Nothing happens for a few minutes and right before you are about to ask him what’s happening, the sweetest scent ever wafts under your nose. You take a deep breath, mouth open, rolling the scent in your nose and mouth and you groan at how wonderful it smells. There is the faintest scent of motor oil, a hint that the smell belonged to K1-B0. Without prompting, your chest starts vibrating in a rolling purr. 
K1-B0 whirs excitedly, “Oh you like it! I’m so pleased you like it.”
You cough, rubbing the haze from your eyes, “Y-yeah. But didn’t you already have Miu give you a scent?”
He pauses, head tilting to the side to look at you, “Oh, you don’t get it. Here, let me.”
Grabbing your hand, he brings it down between his legs and oh...OH!
The lovely smell wasn’t just a new scent. 
“Oh shit,” you breathe, running your hand over the make-shift vaginal opening between his legs. It was very obviously made of a rubber or silicone material but geezus christ it was wet, make-shift slick dripping out of the opening at will. K1-B0 shudders as you insert your finger, feeling along the walls of his new genitalia. You moan, unable to help yourself.
“K1-B0,” you growl, slipping another finger in, “Aren’t you just the perfect Omega? This is such a nice surprise.”
“I,,,-uh...I wanted...” he stutters, his mechanisms shifted as he grinds on your fingers, “I wanted to take care your needs. All of them. I want all of it. I am your Omega.”
You croon, leaning forward to kiss him, pumping your fingers in and out of your lover, “Such a good boy.” 
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anarmorofwords · 3 years
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Hi! You're probably not going to like this ask, but before getting into it I'd just like to say that this isn't meant as Kamala hate or anything, and I don't really want to offend.
Having said that, wouldn't it make sense that we get to see how Kamala treated Anna after she came out? It's in all likelihood one of the things that's weighing on Anna the most.
Obviously Kamala had her valid reasons: her parents aren't as liberal as the Lightwoods, she believes (knows?) their love is conditional as she's adopted, she's not white and not being heterosexual could further any treatment she's suffered from being different... Her reasons have already been listed multiple times by multiple people. Kamala has the right to stay in the closet and fear coming out. And while that shouldn't be villianised, we can't forget that closeted people can harm those around them.
If Kamala had kept treating Anna like a good friend, rumour would've sparked, and even if it was denied, she'd have been harmed by merely associating with Anna. Especially with the life Anna began leading; she could have been labelled as one of Anna's 'conquests' by the Clave. That, as we've established, is detrimental for her safety.
But at the same time, it would create a breach between Anna and Kamala. And Anna had the right to be hurt by it and weary of it when Kamala said she wanted a relationship.
If we look at it from that perspective, Anna's actions (though inexcusable in how they treated Kamala --who was also at fault for not accepting a negative for four months) make sense. Kamala wasn't only a fling of a week*, but also the girl she lost her virginity with, who asked her to be her secret (until she married Charles, after which Anna's affections would be discarded), who hid her sexuality for two years and sat back while Anna suffered from homophobic commentary, and who now wants a relationship hidden from most of the people that know her.
Kamala shouldn't be forced to come out; but the harm that can do to the women she may engage with is reflective of what happens nowadays. I can mostly think of examples with gay men, so my apologies in advance. But how many women have seen their marriages ruined by their husband having affairs with men?
Creating characters that reflect a toxic part of the 'hidden' LGBT community shouldn't be seen as hating or villinifying. Thomas isn't out and he isn't labelled a villain by the narrative --because his actions don't harm anyone. The hate Alastair gets in-universe is because of his past as a bully, not because he's gay. Matthew's not fully out and he isn't villianised --like Thomas, because the decisions he makes to keep his sexuality hidden don't impact anyone negatively.
I'll even go as far as saying that not even the narrative villianises characters like Kamala and Charles. If it were, they'd be seen more like Grace in Chain of Gold. We'd see how Kamala's actions are affecting Anna's in more ways than anger (that in itself put the fandom against Anna), and the characters would note so. We wouldn't see scenes were Cordelia empathised with Charles, nor Matthew said he loved him.
Be it as it may, Kamala and Charles represent ugly parts of being closeted that can naturally occur when someone is in their position. LGBT people are human. Humans, when put into very difficult situations (and Charles risks his career; Kamala her safety), can make decisions that harm those around them. Consequently, the people they're harming have a right to feel, well, harmed in whatever range of ways --this goes mostly for Alastair, and very partly for Anna, whose treatment of Kamala was horrible.
Readers need to understand what is pushing these 'villianised' characters to harm (again, mostly for Alastair) the more prominent characters and go beyond how they are instantly depicted. Because these are complex characters based on complex real people influenced by very ugly realities we will move on from someday, but sadly not yet.
By the way, Charles and Kamala's situations aren't that similar beyond the closeted thing, but I crammed them together because of a post I saw you reblog.
Please understand I'm not justifying Charles's actions; that I understand the pain he's put Alastair through, and know that he shouldn't ever be near Alastair. Nor am I trying to justify Anna's actions nor hate on Kamala.
I'll just finish my pointless rant by adding that I do think cc has sensitivity readers. I think she asked a gay man to go through tec (I don't know if he still revised her other books, though), and know she asked POC's input when writing someone for their culture. I don't know much beyond that, but I doubt who revises her stuff is up to her. Wouldn't that be something the publisher is responsible for (honest question)?
*I've also noticed people using the argument that they didn't know each other long enough for Anna to harbour such ugly emotions towards Kamala, but Kamala also remembered Anna pretty deeply and is 'in love' with her. I just wanted to say that considering cc writes (fantastical) romance where someone can ask a woman they met two months ago marriage, stressing over time spaces doesn't make much sense. Just my take.
hi!!
alright, where do I start? probably would be best with stating that while I can analyse Kamala's situation with what I know/see/read about racism and discrimination and reasonably apply things I've read/heard from PoC to the discussion, as well as try to be as sensitive about it as possible, I'm still a white woman, so not a person that's best qualified to talk about this.
that being said - if someone wants to add something to this conversation, you're obviously more than welcome to, and if there's something in my answer that you don't agree with or find in some way insensitive or offensive - please don't hesitate to call me out on that.
back to your points though: (this turned into a whole ass essay, so under the cut)
I don't think Anna shouldn't be able to reminiscent on Kamala's behaviour/reaction to her coming out, or be hurt by it. what bothers me is the way CC talks about it - I can't remember the exact phrasing, but the post where she mentioned this suggested something along the lines of "you'll see how Kamala sided with the Clave and didn't defend Anna after her coming out", therefore putting the blame on Kamala and completely disregarding the fact that Kamala wasn't in position to do much at all. It suggest that their situation was "poor Anna being mistreated by Kamala". therefore I'm afraid Kamanna's main problem/conflict will remain to be portrayed as "Anna having to allow themselves to love again and forgive Kamala", while Anna's shortcomings - and Kamala's vulnerable position - are never discussed. I think it would be possible to acknowledge both Kamala's difficult situation and the possible hurt her behaviour caused Anna without being insensitive towards Kamala's character, but it would take a really skilled - and caring - author to do both of the perspectives justice. CC would have to find a balance between being aware of the racism/prejudice Kamala faced/ writing her with lots of awareness and empathy, and still allowing her to make mistakes and acknowledging them. As it is however, I'm under impression that she's just treating it as a plot device, a relationship drama.
I'd say no one expects characters of color to be written as flawless or never making mistakes, it's mostly the way these mistakes are written and what things these characters are judged/shamed/
And that's - at least in my understanding and opinion - where the problem is. it's that the narrative never even addresses Anna's faults, and portrays Kamala as the one that caused all - or most of - the pain, without ever even acknowledging her problems and background.
White characters in TLH make mistakes and fuck up - because they're human and they're absolutely allowed to - but the thing is, non-white characters aren't afforded that privilege. Anna's behaviour is never questioned - none of it, shaming Kamala for not being able to come out, dismissing her desire to be a mother, or any of the questionable things she did in ChoI. Same with Matthew, James, Thomas. Alastair and Kamala however? they're constantly viewed through their past mistakes, and forced to apologize for them over and over, forced to almost beg for forgiveness. Moreover, those past mistakes are used as a justification of all and any shitty behaviour the other characters exhibit towards them now, which is simply unfair and cruel. They're held to a much higher standard.
So I'd like to say that yes, Kamala was in the wrong to keep nagging Anna after numerous rejections, and she was in the wrong to not inform Anna about Charles prior to them having sex - but that doesn't give Anna a free pass to constantly mistreat Kamala. And let's be real, Anna isn't stupid - while at 17 she could be naive and uninformed, I can't imagine how after years of hanging out with the Downworlders and numerous affairs and being out and judged by the Clave she's still so ignorant about Kamala's situation. I definitely think she's allowed to be hurt, but to still not understand why Kamala did what she did? Anna isn't blaming her for not telling her about Charles earlier - which would be fair - but instead for refusing to engage in an outright romance with her. She's being ignorant - and consciously so, I think.
Overall, I think you're definitely right about how coming out - or staying closeted - can be messy and hurt people in the process, especially in unaccepting environments/time periods, and I've seen enough discourse online to know there will never be a verdict/stance on this that will satisfy everyone. I, for one, would really like to refrain from putting all the blame on a single person - but, at least the way I see it, CC is pointing fingers. maybe not directly, but she is. Kamala, Alastair and Charles have no friends or support systems, and the only people in the narrative that defend them are themselves (ok, Cordelia does defend Alastair from Charles, but not from shitty takes about him and his "sins"). Also, sorry, but I don't like how you say "hid her sexuality for two years and sat back while Anna experienced homophobic comments" - it sounds very much judgemental. Kamala had every right to do that? The fact that she slept with Anna doesn't means she owed her something, and certainly not coming out and most probably destroying her life, or even defending her at the - again - expense of her own reputation, or more possibly safety.
As for Charles - it's a different issue here, at least imo - I fear that it'll be implied that his refusing to come out will is his main "sin", and therefore not something he can be judged for, which ironically, will be villainizing, but mostly will mean his actual sins are dismissed. This is where the scene with Cordelia feeling a pang of sympathy for him comes into play, and it worries me. I've never hated Charles for not wanting to come out, but rather for, let's see - grooming Alastair, disregarding Alastair's needs and feelings, disrespecting his mother, being a sexist prick, being low-key far-right coded "make Shadowhunters great again" etc.
As for sensitivity readers - I'm no expert, so I don't think my input is worth much. From what I've gathered from multiple threads/discussions on twitter, tho it is probably consulted/approved by the publisher, many authors push for that - and authors less famous and "powerful" than her. I'm not a hater, but seeing fandoms' opinions on much of her rep, I think she could do better. Because if she does have sensitivity readers, then they don't seem to be doing a great job - maybe they're friends who don't wanna hurt her feelings? Or maybe she thinks a gay guy's feedback will be enough for any queer content - which, judging by the opinions I've seen from the fans, doesn't seem to be true.
Again, these are mostly my thoughts and I'm more than open to reading other opinions, because *sigh* I really don't know how to handle this.
Bottom line - I really really don't want to be hating on the characters in general, playing God in regards to judging the struggles of minorities, or even criticising the characters too harshly for being human, flawed etc. What my main issue is is how CC handles those complex and heavy topics.
I hope I make sense and this answer satisfies you somehow - I also hope someone better equipped to answer might wanna join this conversation.
* I desperately need a reread of TLH before I engage in any more conversations like this, but I didn't wanna leave you hanging. So yeah, I might be remembering things wrong. Again, let me know, I'm very much open to being corrected as well as to further discussion.
* I use she/her pronouns for Anna because that's what she uses in canon
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blacksunscorpio · 3 years
Note
I have a stellium (Venus, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune) in Capricorn in the 11th house and I cannot for the life of me find any reliable resources on what this means, particularly in terms of the 11th house. I'd be grateful for any help.
Planets in the 11th House The 11th House
is Ruled by Aquarius/Uranus. It is a Succedent house which indicates the themes are purpose and stabilization [or lack thereof].  This house is ruling the area of group associations, network, community, friends/peers, philanthropy, & humanitarianism. When your planets fall in this house, it indicates the Planet in particular will play out themes regarding related to Aquarian/Uranian archetypes. A native with this placement in particular can often have a “mass appeal”. There can often be a “detached disposition as well. For more insight:
Sun in the 11th
A dynamic placement. Natives with this luminary can have immense social [Uranus] influence. They in particular operate in a society based manner. They feel driven to navigate social networks. They typically seek to make a change in the world. Driven to leadership positions, this native may head up Civic lab duties or general charity/philanthropy work. Typically this placement gifts natives with good public speaking skills-they excel in politics as well. No. 42 Bill Clinton, No. 44 Barack Obama, Margaret Thatcher, Britains “Iron lady”, etc are a few examples of eleventh-house Solarians. On a smaller scale, eleventh-house suns are the first to organize clubs in school, or as adults to lead or join an organization designed for social change.
Moon in the 11th
Finds “comfort” in groups. If they wish to communicate a message, there is a level of deep caring involved. These natives often use the moon's emotional nature to express their views artistically. They can often gain  trust in people. They are able to lea and enact social change by gaining said trust. There can be this “therapy” theme among groups they are associated with. The moon's caring nature has an equal but opposite need to be cared for in return. The give and take involved in social networking is comfortable terrain for eleventh-house moons. Oprah Winfrey, MLK, Bruce Lee, Winston Churchill, & John Lennon are among a few Lunar 11th house natives. 
Mercury in the 11th
Quick silver running the show in the 11th/working with Uranus indicates a native quick witted, rational, talkative and generally light on their feet in social settings. They thrive here, especially with communication involved. They can chat up a storm and gain the attention of crowds. This is often difficult for many but not for someone with this planet living in the 11th. They have an advantage actually.  Mercury loves to socialize and can be very chatty. They tend to keep conversations broad and non-personal which compliments the eleventh house's focus on social and group dealings. Debating over social issues is their forte but they can be detached as well. If harshly aspected, it can make someone a bit fanatical over social issues. However, Mercury here can keep track of facts and figures and keep their information accurate. They can also come up with original though processes and ideas on how the “collective” can operate at a higher frequency. They are the out of the box/original thinkers who come up with all kinds of new ideas and inventions. Social intercourse is very important to them.
Venus in the 11th
Powerful magnet placement. This native loves charming and associating with groups/friends/and peers. This is the person you want to host you when you’re visiting from out of town or just having some sort of housewarming. They are an agreeable, friendly, kind and gregarious individual that enjoys company. Nothing is too extravagant or too much for their associates and/or friends. They have an instinct for putting guests at ease, exercise tact in catering to their diverse needs, and delight in bringing congenial people together. You’ll often find this person is attracted to liberal movements and gravitates to art geared towards change or revolution. They enjoy theater, shows, concerts- anywhere there is a collective group of people loving on each other. The type of person who would have been a shoe-in at Woodstock. Etiquette is highly involved when dealing with groups. They are the ones who seek diplomacy among others. The type of person who tends to be the mediator between friends. Great effort is made to always consider the social consequences of actions and statements.
Mars in the 11th
Can indicate conflict or greatness. Because Mars is ruler of the first house, the native is pre-programmed in a way to be more “I” centered. Therefore, this attitude can class with the group oriented energy of the 11th house. If the Mars native is leading the group, they feel satisfied.  However, too many “group” projects or god-forbid, following the orders of social institutions can make Mars liable to get frustrated, and if pushed to the limit, erupt.  They can be a disruptive force because their independence can broil issues with cooperatives/peers. They can often be the center of controversies because of this. On the other hands, when harnessed or significantly well aspected, they can be demagogues or champions of the under-dog.  They should take care to follow standard rules though, because paying fines and in general, dealing with other punishments society inflicts due to rule-breaking [Uranus/Rebellion  & Mars/ War]  can be more common than the 11th House Martian may be comfortable with.
Jupiter in the 11th
Tis placement makes a native gifted with the power to beneficially influence the collective/friends/coworkers and peers. They will usually have ideas that inspire others. This makes them the perfect types to spearhead or lead out group events, projects, movements, and teachings. The great “socializer” who can often find success through networking. They will “know everyone”. It’s very common for these people to be quite popular. They’ll typically have a friendly and outgoing persona and may even have many friends outside of their native country. Jupiter's success [regardless of house] lies largely in its ability to roll with the punches things and keep a light, global outlook [Jupiter equals expansion]. In the eleventh house, this laidback style puts them far ahead of most people by not getting entangled in the drama of any particular person and instead focusing on the dynamic of the group. Charisma and confidence, live here, making them excellent in leadership positions. 
Saturn in the 11th
This placement is actually well-placed believe it or not. Why? Because of Saturn’s ancient relationship with Aquarius. It was actually the ruler before Uranus was discovered. A native with Saturn in the 11th is likely to be discriminating in their choice of associates/friends/colleagues, etc. Because of Saturn’s association with time, and longevity, the relationships that they do form will usually be long term and enduring. Not unheard of for them to associate with people older than them or groups that have a more austere vibe. Law and order are things they appreciate. If “age” isn’t a factor, they can often come across as distinguished intellectually or more Mature to their social group/peers/community. They can often perform more of the serious work and duties in organizations. However because rules are often broken or not adhered to in social groups, Saturn here can often be frustrated. So, Institutions like school and corporations where there is [traditionally] a good amount of structure makes Saturn more comfortable. If they are not IN said institution they will create it [Uranus/Innovation].
Uranus in the 11th
Uranus is in its ultimate bag placed here in the 11th. This planet rules this house. As a result, this native can be extremely friendly, but this disposition walks hand in hand with not wanting to become too attached to others. So they thrive in “acquaintance” like environments/relationships. The Uranian rebellious streak can rear its head as well and this native can often see frequent and/or sudden changes in their social circles, organizations, & communities. They hate complacency and are attracted to forward-thinking and out of the box, thinking associates. They hate to conform. They make even opt out of doing something/buying something/going somewhere if “everyone is doing it”.  Uranus placed here doesn't feel threatened by differences and believes their acceptance makes them superior to those who are unaccepting [you’ll usually see this with harder aspects involved]. They need to take care not to be too zealous in their quest for social change or they could risk leading others in the wrong direction.
Neptune in the 11th
A native with Neptune placed in the 11th will tend to be attracted to artistic, “boho” and quirky associates. Friends may often be Neptunian types. I.e dreamers, spacey, a tendencies towards idealistic thinking, or spiritual and inspirational. At the worst, they can attract friends who are disloyal, deceptive, or people with substance issues. Friendships can be murky here so they need to be sure to pay extra attention to whom they associate with. They also need to take care not to get swept up in group movements at the risk that they can be mislead easily–they can find it difficult to determine where their individuality ends and the group begins. However, they are the ones who want to heal the group. To find ways of inspiring and leading in creative and artistic ways.
Pluto in the 11th
Natives with The Lord of transformation living in the 11th often are drawn to radical social reform tend to be acutely aware of the power dynamics in groups, friendships and societal institutions. There is a deep obsession with these themes when placed in this house. Often when these natives step into a group setting, they immediately sense the power structure or others easily sense power with them. It can be unnerving to some. They need to take care not to think to deeply about what friends, associates, co-workers or peers think of them. Frankly, everyone is going to have an opinion and they will make themselves crazy obsessing over what others think. They may have difficulty trusting others/institutions/ or general “group-think”. They want to know the ins-and outs of why people do things. They can have a tendency to keep their guard up against the idea of someone exploiting them or by being exploited by the power of groups or organizations. To the point where they may downright avoid group situations as a whole. However when someone in their social circle passes the “trust test” they are very devoted.
Honorary Mention: 11th House Stelliums
When one has a convergence of planetary energy from 3 or more planets [a stellium] in the 11th, this indicates a native who may be “everyone’s best friend”.  They can be quite popular, take part in many groups or organizations, etc. They’ll often be the most social of the zodiac. They will often try to cater to their peers and society. They’re always wanting to help. They need to take care not to become “people pleasers” as a result. They think about the big picture and enjoy subjects that allow them to interact with groups/friends/peers. You may find people with this particular stellia  involved in protests, or working simply working to make significant changes in their communities. I want to mention, 11th house is where one can experience both inclusion as well as exclusion. Often simultaneously. They need to make sure they don’t set themselves up to be scapegoated. However, they often find their tribe at some point. Oddballs or people who are considered “strange”, “unusual”, “crackpots” which are all synonyms for “geniuses” ;). A stellium here may very well indicate 11th house dealings are integral to that person’s life. This is especially significant if the north node is placed among the stellium. 
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dumdumsun · 3 years
Text
And Dusk
A/N: I just wrote the penultimate chapter and oh my, is it long
Warnings: racial discrimination
Word Count: 3131
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Chapter 5: The Swedish Job
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(Y/N) wheezed as the coral dress she had just slipped into squeezed her ribcage so tight, she was beginning to see stars. Grace nodded in acknowledgement before shaking her head at the tailor. The woman at the girl’s side frowned slightly. “Are you sure, ma’am? I can touch it up so that it wouldn’t squeeze her so much.”
“I’m quite sure. It isn’t a good color for her.” Grace waved her hand in dismissal. Once the dress had been removed, (Y/N) greedily inhaled as much oxygen as she could into her lungs. When the tailor walked away to retrieve another dress from the hanger rack, the girl leaned over, bracing her hands on her knees.
“Mom, this is the… fifth dress now,” She breathed. “How many more of these do I need to try on?”
“Hun, I just want you to look perfect. Preston already has his suit picked out and it’d be nice if you two would match-”
“Wait,” The girl waved her hands in the air. “Preston?”
Grace frowned. “Yes, Preston.”
“But I just went on a date with him! I have to see him all the time?!”
“If you’re gonna marry him, then yes!”
(Y/N) groaned and rubbed her face with both her hands as the tailor returned to her side with a baby blue dress. Grace shook her head in distaste before it could even be tried on and motioned for another one to be picked out. Huffing, (Y/N) crossed her arms over her chest and grumbled to herself, eliciting a soft laugh from her mother. “You’ll be fine, (Y/N), the four of us are arrivin’ at the gala together. Now, doesn’t that sound a little better?”
The girl hesitated at first, but nodded. “Yeah, I guess it does…” She whispered before the tailor was slipping her into another dress. This one was chiffon and orange, flower designs starting from the torso and spreading up the chest, and out to the see-through sleeves. Grace squealed and circled her index finger in the air.
“Go ‘head and twirl for me, darlin’.” She clapped as (Y/N) bashfully smiled and spun in a circle for her mother. “It’s beautiful! Perfect! We’ll have this one!” She vigorously nodded, the tailor visibly sagging in relief. (Y/N) let out a sigh and chuckled at her mother’s excitement. She had to admit, though, it was a beautiful dress. Perhaps not one she would wear if she was in her actual body, but it was fitting for her physical age. Once the tailor packed up and left their home, Grace let (Y/N) change back into her casual clothing before guiding her downstairs. “Time for dancin’ lessons.”
Entering the parlor, (Y/N) was greeted by her dance instructor and Preston. Smiling tightly, she stepped lightly into the middle of the floor with the boy.
“Let’s pick up where we left off, children.” The instructor’s flowy voice sounded as he put on a record for the music. In preparation of the gala, Reginald insisted they practice with Mariachi music, much to Preston’s distaste. The boy rolled his eyes behind their instructor’s back as the music began to flow throughout the house. He slyly slipped his arm around (Y/N)’s waist and took one of her hands in his. With a sigh, the girl placed her free hand on his shoulder. “And… one, two, three, one, two, three, one- No,” The instructor cut himself off and marched up to the two. “Ms Hargreeves, you do not lead. Mr Hildebrand must lead.”
“Sorry.” She whispered as he stepped back. Preston quietly chuckled at her in a mocking manner that had her clenching her jaw. If he had known the first thing about dancing, I wouldn’t need to lead, she thought to herself as their feet began moving again.
“One, two, three, one, two, three, one, two- Mr Hildebrand, focus on your partner! Dance is about the emotion, do not stare at your feet. Are you going to the gala with your feet?”
(Y/N) rolled her eyes. Diego was a better partner than him…
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“Number Four, on my count!” Reginald clapped his hands, alerting thirteen-year-olds Klaus and (Y/N). The two nearly fell over at the abrupt stop Klaus came to, causing them to snort and hold onto each other for dear life. “If you two will not cooperate, then Number Eight will exchange partners! Again!”
As the music started up again, Klaus led their dance in long strides and animated sways that had them nearly knocking into Allison and Ben. The incorrect footing the two had been using the entire time eventually caught up to them when (Y/N) accidentally stepped on her brother’s toes, the boy yelping out and stumbling to the ground, dragging her down with him. Their laughs filled the room, too loud to hear the scratching stop of the record.
“Number Four! Number Eight! This is unacceptable behavior!”
Their laughter subsided at their father’s scolding. They scrambled to their feet as he stomped over, hands behind his back. “Number Four, to your seat. Number Two, you are now Number Eight’s partner!”
(Y/N) squeezed Klaus’s arm as the boy covered his smile with his hand and did as he was told. She smiled at Diego as he stiffly approached her, fists clenching and unclenching. Once he was close enough, he placed a hand on his sister’s waist and held her hand in his other one, her free hand taking position on his shoulder. The entire time they danced, Diego was rigid. He didn’t flow with the music and always let (Y/N) take the lead, much to Reginald’s annoyance. No matter how many times they were stopped, no matter how many times (Y/N) tried to reassure him that he was fine, the boy was as stiff as a board. Shaking his head, Reginald stopped the music again.
“Number Five, take Number Two’s place.” He demanded. Diego deflated and quickly detached himself from (Y/N) before returning to his seat beside Klaus. Five smirked as he hopped up from his seat, approaching (Y/N) and swiftly bringing her into position, heat rushing to her cheeks at their proximity. Reginald was much more pleased with this partnership, and it was no wonder why. The two moved perfectly, they were on count, and refused to falter for even a second. (Y/N) was easily impressed by Five’s suave manners, the way he smugly smirked at her the entire time. She could only shake her head in amusement at this new demeanor. Five was becoming cockier the older he got.
(Y/N) felt the fire of their dance as they spun, twisted and twirled all around. They were the perfect team gliding past the other two pairs that were Allison and Ben, and Luther and Vanya. They were an unstoppable force, and not just on the dancefloor. To their father, mainly because he couldn’t have imagined it any other way, he assumed the giddy smiles on his children’s faces were due to the excitement of their accomplishment. But their siblings knew all too well that those looks were only reserved for each other. Reginald couldn’t clean his monocle enough to see such a relationship blossoming between them. Not even when Five ended the dance with expertly dipping (Y/N) slowly, their eyes latched onto each other as he slowly brought her back up. They were grinning widely at each other as they separated, feeling their burning cheeks as they tried to catch their breath from the intensity of the dance. When they turned to Reginald, he simply nodded in approval.
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So, as (Y/N) waltzed with Preston, perfectly in time with the music and gliding along the floor with grace, she felt nothing and did not smile in exhilaration.
Once the lesson concluded and the instructor took his leave, Preston turned to (Y/N) and gently lifted her hand to his lips, pressing a wet kiss to her knuckles. Inwardly grimacing, the girl forced a thin-lipped smile that didn’t reach her eyes to stretch across her face. She watched him with a scowl as he swaggered his way out of the parlor and to the front door, just as Grace walked in with a mischievous grin. “My, my, you really don’t like him, do you?”
“Not a whole lot, no…” (Y/N) sighed and crossed her arms. Her mother cooed and gently rubbed her shoulder.
“Well, let’s go shoe shoppin’ to make ya feel better.”
The hustle and bustle of the town as the two walked down the sidewalk was somewhat therapeutic for them. Reginald always advised that they use the car to get any and everywhere to save time, but they didn’t see a need to rush anything. They had all of the time in the world. Or at least they had until the store closed, but it was still early in the afternoon. With linked arms, and Mr Pennycrumb in (Y/N)’s other arm, the two approached the doors to the local shoe store with breezy smiles.
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
The look the shopkeeper gave (Y/N) was nothing new for her as he opened the door for them. As they entered, he stared at Grace as if she had grown a head on each of her shoulders and began a trio singing group with them. “Uh… ma’am?”
“Yes?” Grace turned to him with raised brows. The shopkeeper cleared his throat nervously and motioned towards the young girl.
“She isn’t allowed in here. No colored folk in my store.”
(Y/N) was used to this treatment. She was grateful that she had her parents to shelter her when they could, but she knew her place in this timeline. So, to avoid any conflict, she began out the door. But Grace quickly grabbed her by the shoulder, all warmth from her face gone as she stepped forward. “I’m sorry? I didn’t see a ‘Whites Only’ sign on your door.”
“W-Well, yes, but it’s this entire side of the street that doesn’t allow-”
“And we could tell by the signs that so very clearly exclude my daughter simply because of the color of her skin. But you, sir, do not have a ‘Whites Only’ sign. So, I believe my baby girl is allowed to shop for a pretty pair of shoes from your establishment. Am I wrong?”
The man sighed as his expression dropped into a defeated frown. He risked a glance over at (Y/N), who was wearing a shit-eating grin. Rolling his eyes, he shook his head. “No, ma’am, you are not wrong.”
“I thought not. Now if you excuse us, we’re just goin’ to look for some shoes.”
Turning the girl around, Grace guided the two towards the back wall of the store, soothingly rubbing her arms. “I’m so sorry about that, hun…”
“It’s okay, Mom. Thank you for sticking up for me.”
“Of course, sweetheart. We need to fight back or else times will never change.” She squeezed the girl close in a hug, and (Y/N) couldn’t help but immediately latch onto her mother as tears welled up in her eyes.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
After they found the perfect pair of white heels, they were on their way out of the store and back on the sidewalk. They quietly giggled to each other at the memory of the shopkeeper’s glare as they paid for the very expensive shoes. Because of this, (Y/N) didn’t notice the woman walking towards them near the pet shop. When their shoulders came into contact, (Y/N)’s bag fell to the ground due to her iron grip on her puppy, shoes forgotten. “I’m so sorry!” She quickly apologized, her head snapping up to the woman, marveling at her sense of fashion. The woman was decked out in a beautiful blue dress, accompanied by the largest white pearls she had even seen. She wore long, fingerless white gloves and a white hat with a birdcage veil attached to it. Her earrings were to die for and her sunglasses gave the outfit a hint of chic. Her eyes moved past the matching white purse to the brilliantly red heels on her feet. (Y/N) was in total awe.
“Ugh, watch where you’re going!” The woman barked and snapped her head up to the young girl. “Do you have any idea- Oh! Oh… my. Hello, dear.” At the sudden change of tone, both (Y/N) and Grace frowned in confusion. “I’m so sorry, I just… you are a very beautiful young lady…”
“Uh… thank you.” She nodded as Grace stooped to pick up the bag from the ground.
“Even with the scars! Gives you a bit of an edge. What is your name, dear?”
Her slight smile faltered at the mention of her scars. “(Y/N)... (Y/N) Hargreeves.”
“And a beautiful name to match.” She grinned and turned her head to Grace. “Are you Mom?”
“I am.” Grace nodded and tugged her daughter closer.
“Keep her young and beautiful. It doesn’t usually last by the age of thirty,” She placed her cigarette holder between her lips. “Well… Ms (Y/N) Hargreeves… Perhaps I will see you around.”
A tiny growl from the girl’s arms had the woman’s eyeless smile dropping faster than anything (Y/N)’s ever seen. Mr Pennycrumb had been growling at the woman, teeth baring. The woman lifted her sunglasses and sent the dog a blue-eyed glare that had him shying away and whimpering into his owner’s arms. (Y/N) widened her eyes and stared down at her puppy in concern. The woman set her sunglasses back on her face and gained her smile yet again. “Cute dog.” She deadpanned before walking into the store.
“What a strange woman…” Grace muttered as the two watched The Handler stroll about the pet store.
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Five watched in calm delight as the waitress poured him a fresh cup of coffee, filling it to the brim. Just as she was about to walk away, he glanced up at her. “Leave the pot, dear. Thank you.” He smiled. The woman set it down before walking away, muttering a ‘lippy little shit’ to herself. Vanya, who the boy found running from the same three gunmen as before, sat beside him with a lost look on her face.
“You gonna tell me what the hell’s going on?”
Five turned to her and decided to lay it all on her in one go, “When you were a baby, you were bought by an eccentric billionaire. He raised you in an elite academy with seven other siblings with extraordinary powers, but in the year 2019, in order to avoid the apocalypse, we jumped into a vortex and ended up scattered throughout the timeline in Dallas, Texas.” He watched patiently as Vanya slowly looked away in deep thought. “Any questions?”
“What do you mean, ‘the apocalypse’?”
Five inhaled to ready himself for another explanation. “I mean the end of the world as we know it.”
“Yeah, but how?”
His mind jumped back to the day it all happened. With he and his brothers suspended in the air, getting their literal lives sucked out of them. He thought of Vanya, blinded by her rage towards (Y/N) for some reason he didn’t even know, attacking his love directly in the face relentlessly with her bow. How she cried on the ground as her shaking limbs desperately tried to lift her body from the ground. How he could do nothing but watch. He could have turned Vanya away, could have hated her for it. But he knew deep down that he could never hate his siblings, he could never hate Vanya. Not for the life of him. Especially not when (Y/N)’s words rang in his head.
“It’s just that we’ve hurt her so much already…”
“You really don’t remember anything?” He asked instead.
“No, nothing before a month ago.” She shook her head.
“Then what do you remember?”
Vanya’s eyes strayed away from her brother in thought. “I remember… I landed in, like, a… back alley. Got hit by a car. My head was ringing like crazy. I had no idea how I got there, where I came from,” When Five didn’t respond, she asked her question again. “What causes the apocalypse?”
Vanya was unpredictable to Five at his point. She knew of her powers this time and he didn’t want to upset her. Not only because he didn’t like to upset her, but for the obvious reason that her rage ended the world in the first place. So, he lied.
“Asteroid impact. The big kaboom ends everything… Just like the one that got the dinosaurs, except way worse,” He picked up his coffee mug and stared forward. “Bad news is, it followed us here.”
Vanya stared at her brother in confusion. “What do you mean, ‘followed us’?”
“Eight days from now, the world ends in a nuclear doomsday. It’s a different disease, but… same result.” He watched as Vanya’s lips desperately tried to curl into a smile as she tilted her head.
“That can’t be right.”
“I saw it. With my own eyes,” He sighed and stared down at the counter in despair. “You were there. We all were…”
“Shit,” Vanya whispered and jumped out of her chair. “I need to make a phone call.”
“Vanya.” Five softly called as he watched her rush to the phone on the wall, dialing a number. He decided to give her the time she needed and sipped his coffee. But the cup drained faster than he expected and time was running out. Standing from his chair, he walked over to Vanya and hung up the phone. She turned to him with widened eyes.
“What the hell?!” She whispered.
“We don’t have time for this.”
“That’s my friend you just hung up on!”
Grabbing her by the shoulders, Five stared into her frightened eyes. “Listen to me. Those people from the field are coming after us. They are never going to stop. Do you understand me?” He whispered sternly and watched as she swallowed, expression softening. “We need to stick together, find the others, figure out how to stop doomsday. Whoever this person is, they can’t be more important than the end of the world.”
He immediately regretted those words. He knew it the second Vanya’s face tightened again. When she slammed the phone back onto the wall and stormed past him, he knew there were six other people he thought far more important than the end of the world. It’s why he hauled all of them along with him rather than doing the job himself. And he knew there was one of them who mattered in a whole different light. With a heavy sigh, he followed after his sister out of the diner.
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Taglist: @unfortu-nate-ly @sapphicsyn @m00n-sh @starcurrent @alexander-hamilhoe @youcandalekmyballs @wonderlandfandomkingdom @yrdadjstcallsmekatya @a-t-h-r-e-e-n-a @moatsnow @bubblegumflamingos @starstormssymphony @meowiemari @magicalgothpandamaker @sm0kingcrack @simping-4-fictional-men @hehehehannahthings @harrystylescherrie @rhain3 @himikaphoo @zerocanonlywriteshit @xxeiraxx @camerondiaz48104 @isawachickeninatree @theyaremorethanjustfictional @that-can-of-fizz
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skzfairies · 3 years
Text
suprise comfort
warnings: homophobia, mentions of divorce, fighting parents, unaccepting parents, disappointed parents, mentions of being homesick, mentions of missing family
time: june 2019
pairing: yuri + yeosang
summary: when yuri is upset late at night, someone comes to comfort her, and it’s not who she expected.
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the room was dark, the only light was from the little night lamp by their desk, and the dim lighting of yuri's phone. she was scrolling through tik tok, unable to sleep, unlike her snoring roommates below her.
she saw all sorts of tik toks, funny ones, boring ones, cringey, and sometimes, she would even see a fancam of a kpop idol with text over it. they were normally always about fan wars though.
but one of the tik toks she found, it made her stop. she could feel her breath hitch at this one, and she felt her heartstrings be pulled.
it wasn't the creators fault, and she would never blame them for bringing this sudden wave of sadness over her, she was happy for them, and glad they were able to share their happy memory with her.
but yuri couldn't help the intrusive thoughts came after the wave of happiness was over.
the tik tok was a video of the creator coming out to their parents, and they were really supportive. yuri was so happy for them, and she was glad that people could have supportive parents and face less hardships for something they can't control.
yuri kept on thinking about when her parents found out about her being lesbian, the disappointed face they wore was something that was still painful for yuri to remember even after all these years.
she could hear the words that she often replayed coming to her head, and the pounding of her heart rose. she could feel tears running down her cheeks, coming faster and faster and more memories came back to her.
she let out a hic up, the sound seeming very loud to the quiet room. she held her breath for awhile, hoping neither hongjoong or seonghwa heard it. after a few minutes past, and it was confirmed that neither of the boys woke up, yuri slightly made her way down the ladder, and tip toed her way to the bathroom.
she knew no one would be up at this hour, so she was able to cry freely in the bathroom herself.
she shut the door to the bathroom, and plopped herself down on top of the rug, harshly pulling on her hair.
she wanted supportive parents so bad, she wished she was straight, because that's the only way her parents would naturally support it.
her parents were over the arguing now, but they barely talked about it, never confirming if they truly supported it or not.
she wanted parents who she could gush to about a girl or bring one home to them without awkward conversations. she wished she could be herself around them, without masking one of the biggest things about her.
tears were now clouding her vison, and she could feel snot rolling down her nose.
she quickly got up and grabbed the toilet paper, blowing her down and wiping off the tears on her face, and returning to her spot on the rug.
she just wanted to cry, she wanted to throw something, give a piece of her mind, she felt like she was going crazy. she let out a slightly loud sob, covering her mouth and sobbing into it, wishing that this pain would just go away.
she missed her family so much, even though they caused her so much pain. she remembered the family vacations, the jokes, the late nights. she remembered the fights, the arguments, the tears. her family wasn't ideal, and no matter how many times she wished that they would just get a divorce, she still missed them. she wished she could just break off all ties with them and just never speak to them again because all of the emotional pain they have caused her, but it's easier said than done. the guilt always eated her alive, even when she tried to convince herself that it wasn't her fault they were like this, she always did feel like it was all her fault.
she couldn't stop the tears and the sobs that were falling now, no matter how hard she covered her mouth, or how many times she brushed the tears off her face. she could feel her body shaking, her head pound, and her heart ache.
she didn't even notice the door opening, she was too focused on calming her breathing, and trying not to scream her lungs out.
she didn't notice someone even entered the bathroom until she felt arms wrap around her, causing her to jump and try and hurriedly wipe off her tears and stand up. this didn't work, the arms help her down and softly grabbed her hands.
"stop doing that, you'll irratate your eyes."
yeosang, yuri could notice his deep voice from anywhere, but she was suprised that he was even hugging her in this moment, normally they never did any skinship.
"yeosang, what are you doing?" yuri whispered, barely able to speak in a normal voice, and her voice slightly cracking even at a whisper.
yeosang softly pulled her into his lap, leaning against the wall and brushing her hair out of her face, seeing how red her eyes and nose were, and her puffy cheeks broke his heart. he hated seeing her like this so much.
"i thought you could use a hug." yeosang softly chuckled, hoping to bring the mood up some, but it failed. yuri rested her head against his shoulder and sighed, feeling too emotionally drained to even say anything or look at him.
"could you tell me what's wrong? i'm sure it will help."
yuri could feel the genuine concern in his voice, but she needed a break, she felt like she was crying for hours, and she couldn't even find her voice in her throat, so she only shook her head against yeosang's neck. yeosang sighed, softly brushing the hair out of her face. he really wanted her to talk, he never seen her this upset before. but he knew it would only make her upset more if he tried to force her into opening up.
"okay, maybe later. do you want to move somewhere more comfortable?" yeosang gently whispered, softly patting onto yuri's arm.
yeosang heard her hum, so he slowly unwrapped his arms around her, and helped her up, standing up behind her.
he grabbed onto her hand softly, making yuri softly tense before relaxing, and walked her into the living room.
yuri never saw yeosang this soft and affectionate to her, and she appreciated it. she felt safe and comfortable around him, although still greatly bothered and upset.
yeosang sat down on the couch and pulled her down into his lap once more, and yuri returned to her position with her head on his shoulders.
they sat there for awhile, yeosang occasionally brushing his hands through yuri's hair, while she stared off into the distance, still thinking about the memories of her parents outing her and being rude to her.
yeosang didn't want her to shut down completely, so he softly called her name until she looked up at him, and sat up.
"now could you tell me what's wrong? i understand if you don't want to talk about it, but i've never seen you this upset, mimi. you don't have to go through this alone." yeosang whispered, searching yuri's face for any discomfort, or any tears.
she looked conflicted, like she was deciding if she wanted to talking about it or not, so yeosang added,
"i won't tell anyone about this, i promise. it's just between you and me." yeosang held out a pinky, and smiled up at yuri, causing a smile from yuri, and she linked her pinkie with him.
this is a step, yeosang thought, and sat back, waiting to see if yuri continued.
he heard her barely audible voice, and it sounded dry and weak, and yeosang never wanted to protect anyone more than ever.
"it's about my parents."
"do you miss them?" yeosang gently responded, knowing that she hasn't been able to see them in a very long time, and had to stay at the dorms while the others returned home for a week by herself. he would feel terribly homesick, too.
"yes and no." yuri sighed, dragging her hands across her face and shaking her head. yeosang could feel the stress radiating off of her, and began rubbing her back, hoping to ease some of the tension.
yuqi was quiet for a little bit, and yeosang waited for her to continue, slightly confused about her response.
"they, well, how do i say this. they had many flaws. many hurtful flaws. does that make sense?" yuri questioned, looking at yeosang and continuing when she saw him nod.
"my parents fought often, and most parents do that, but it was a lot, and it was almost an everyday thing. they could barely be around each other without arguing. i really wanted them to get a divorce, but we couldn't. i was thinking about that, and some other things too." yuri mumbled leaning back against yeosang, humming when he brushed his hands through her hair.
"i'm sorry yuri, that sounds very hard. you said there were other things too? do you want to talk about those?" yeosang said after awhile, he couldn't imagine the emotional stress she had to go through growing up, and wished he could solve all of these problems for her, but he knew he really couldn't.
"yeah...this is the hardest thing to talk about. um....well my parents weren't always accepting, of well, me. they were only accepting of the version that they wanted to see, you know?" yeosang nodded, understanding that feeling. it was hard and not easy to deal with.
"it wasn't about school or my dream or anything, they were proud of me for that. so incredibly proud. they weren't proud of, who i liked." yuri said fastly, holding her breath, waiting for yeosang's response. yeosang could feel her tense up, and mumbled to her that it was okay, and that he's proud of her for talking to him. yuri calmed down, seeing yeosang did not have a problem with it at all.
"i don't understand why they didn't accept it. it wasn't like i was having crushes on bad people, it was literally just girls. i don't understand why that was such a big deal." yuri huffed, feeling the anger rise into her, but quickly fall with sadness.
"i don't understand why either yu, but i'll always support you, and so will the boys, and atiny. there's nothing wrong with you, i promise. and who cares what other people think about who you like? i know it's harder when it's your parents, but it's their lose, they are being foolish for not accepting you. i'm sorry you have to go through this, mimi. i'll love you no matter what." yeosang spoke, brushing yuri's hair with his fingers again, and yuri was sure it was extremely oily by now.
yuri felt a lot better now, and appreciated. she knew that her boys would always have her back, and that they would support her no matter what. they were her family, and she was their's. nothing could pull them apart.
"thanks yeosang, i love you." yuri smiled, hugging onto yeosang and kissing his cheek. she felt so loved, and so appreciated.
she smiled into yeosang's chest and softly fell asleep, dreaming of her real family, that was ateez.
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Text
Float Like A Butterfly... Chapter 5: So Last Season
Summary: Now that Adrien is no longer Chat Noir he doesn't have to get hit all the time. Unfortunately, his luck doesn't seem to have gotten the memo... Or has it?
------------------------------
"So, how're you holding up?"
"Please, Adrien, it's my mother! I'm positively ecstatic!"
"Exactly. It's your mother."
Chloe looked down for a second before her eyes snapped back up, any doubts she had hidden in an instant. "She's finally coming back! I'll finally be able to show her what she's been missing." Chloe tossed her ponytail back to emphasize the unspoken Me. "Now, I've gotta go. Sabrina insisted we do an 'emotional support routine' or whatever beforehand. Ciao!"
Sighing, Adrien stared at his phone for a moment before putting it down. He knew Chloe was grateful for Sabrina's help but it was still a struggle getting her to admit it.
Or getting her to admit how much Audrey had hurt her.
It was one thing to travel halfway around the world for your career and leave your daughter behind. It was something else entirely to completely ignore her. In all the years since Audrey left Chloe hadn't received a single birthday gift, phone call or text message. Adrien would know. Chloe would've bragged about it endlessly if her mother had taken so much as two seconds to acknowledged her existence-
Adrien's foot jerked, striking the vanity table and making the connected mirror tremble. Heart suddenly pounding against his chest as tension built up in his forehead. Distressed expression reflecting back at him.
Breathe, Adrien. Breathe.
Slowly, he inhaled.
Then exhaled.
Again.
Good.
He was okay.
Adrien was okay.
Guilt pricked like a thorn for thinking of his own problems when Chloe needed him. Adrien crushed it with his anger and annoyance but it was still there. Like a splinter that wouldn't come out.
I hate you.
Swiping out of the video chat Adrien tapped on Nino's number. It rang... and rang... and rang...
He's annoyed with me. I did something wrong again and Nino doesn't want to-
Adrien smacked both sides of his face. No, dummy! Nino's just busy or something. Stop that!
It wasn't every day a teenage DJ provided the music for Paris Fashion Week, after all. Nino had to make sure all his equipment was working properly.
The door to his dressing room burst open.
"Adrien, your friend Mlle. Dupain-Cheng will be bringing the last article of the new Gabriel line," Nathalie announced. "Your father expects everything to be perfect for Audrey Bourgeois."
"Doesn't he always?" Adrien deadpanned.
Nathalie stared at his watery eyes before typing something into her tablet. "Your performance on catwalks only has a 99% success rate. He expects you'll do better."
Father thinks you're a failure just like everyone else. He-
Shut up! Adrien felt something heavy settle in his chest.
One of the makeup artists came rushing in and Nathalie gestured her towards Adrien. "Touch up his eyes," she instructed and then left.
Jaw clenching, Adrien sat perfectly still as the makeup artist did her job. He was never entirely sure what the staff thought about him. 'Professional' was a word that was tossed around a lot. That used to fill him with a little pride... Before all of this.
The last person to suggest that a thirteen year old mourning his mother wasn't 'professional' so much as he was 'depressed' had never come back to work... Oh. Adrien had forgotten about that.
Finishing quickly, the makeup artist left too. Leaving Adrien with his thoughts. He didn't want to be with his thoughts at the moment. They were distracting and Nathalie had not been subtle.
I hate-
His phone vibrated as it received someone's text.
Ni-Non: hey dude!
Ni-Non: it's crazy over here man
Ni-Non: break a leg! ;)
Adrien smiled as his unpleasant mood faded to the back of his mind... And if he saw similarities between his family and Chloe's, well, that's why he could empathize with her.
Adrien: That's theater but I guess there's not much difference.
Adrien: Thanks. ^_^
 ---------------
There was a knock at his door. Adrien stopped fidgeting in the awkward suit to go answer it.
"Hello, Marinette." Adrien smiled in greeting.
"Oh, uh, hello!" Marinette gave a small wave as she stepped up the short stairs and-
Adrien braced himself with one foot while his hands went to her shoulders. Steadying Marinette as she quickly removed her weight from him.
"Oh! Uh, sorry." Marinette looked away in embarrassment at having tripped into him.
"... No worries!" Adrien smiled as he shook his head. Marinette seemed... subdued. Reaching down to pick up the hat that had fallen. "Oh, no." The artificial feather Marinette made for his allergies had come loose. "I hope it's not too hard to fix it."
Marinette looked down. "Uh, y'know, it doesn't really matter. This hat is a complete failure anyway."
"What? No, it's not!" Adrien rose to his feet quickly in shock. "Why would you say that?"
"Because... the queen of fashion, Audrey Bourgeois, saw it and hated it!" Marinette's hands covered her face, voice breaking. "I'm sorry, Adrien. I really messed up. I'm a total no talent!" Her arms wrapped around herself in a hug. "Please, don't put it on," she pleaded.
Adrien's heart went out to Marinette as she laid her insecurities bare. "Marinette, everything's going to be fine." He searched for the proper spot to reattach the feather,  fiddling with it as Adrien reassured her. "Your hat looks great. I think it's awesome and so does... my father." Adrien cleared his throat as he managed to fix her hat. "Otherwise he wouldn't have picked it for me. Look!"
Putting Marinette's hat on Adrien walked across the dressing room like he was already performing. Striking a few poses to ease Marinette's anxiety. "See?"
It seemed to work as Marinette gave a small smile. "You got that catwalk down," she complimented.
Adrien rubbed the back of his neck. "Really? Thank you."
"Ah-hem," Nathalie cleared her throat. "We have to go." Without waiting for Marinette she turned on her heel and started walking towards the viewing area.
Adrien rolled his eyes but smiled at Marinette's back as she hurried to catch up. Turning back to look at himself in the mirror Adrien scanned his outfit. The suit may have been generic and a few seams too close to last year's entry but Marinette's hat was fire.
"Okay!" Adrien was gonna go out there and make sure they recognized Marinette's talent!
---------------
Holding Marinette's hat to his chest Adrien stuck his head out in a decidedly 'unprofessional' manner. Spotting Marinette's family and a bunch of his friends in the first row. Adrien's blond head caught Nino's eye from across the catwalk and he gave him a thumbs up.
Adrien waved as he ducked back behind the corner before the photographers could take any pictures of the Agreste heir acting like a kid.
You got this, Adrien. Nino's DJ-ing, your classmates came -even though most of them don't care about fashion- with any luck Alix and Kim will tease you about it for the next month.
That would give Adrien the opportunity to dish out a bunch of jokes he never got the chance to use!
The music started; that was his cue.
You got this!
Adrien posed on the runway. Camera flashes already starting. Strutting down the catwalk Adrien smirked at Marinette. See? Stopping at the platform's end he posed in various angles for the photographers. Nino seemed to be enjoying himself too and that made Adrien's smile come much more naturally.
A small eruption boomed behind him and Adrien turned to see Hawkmoth's latest fashion disaster. Gasping, as his heart started hammering in his chest.
"A fashion show without the Queen of Style!? Glitter-ally unacceptable!" The akuma villain announced. "Where's that ungrateful Gabriel Agreste. I demand that he kneels before me!"
Ugh, what has he done now?
"My father isn't here," Adrien snapped in annoyance. Hearing people running for the exits.
"Well, then. If fashion disaster daddy isn't here I'll just have to settle for Agreste Junior! You're fired!"
Adrien's eyes widened as he stepped back. Golden glitter exploding everywhere as his body became numb and his senses dark-
-Glowing ladybugs swirled around him as Adrien had the disorienting feeling of laying  down when he could've sworn he'd been standing. Glancing around, Adrien realized he was now at the Eiffel Tower.
"Adrik- Adrien!" Chloe tackled him as he stood, throwing her arms around him. "I was so scared!"
Adrien blinked in surprise as Chloe set her head on his shoulder. Not letting him go... Adrien smiled as he hugged her back. Enjoying this genuine display of affection.
"Pound it!"
Head snapping towards the sound Adrien saw another Black Cat, this one a girl with long, reddish hair, fist bump Ladybug. They grinned at each other in post battle relief.
I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!
A chill to rival Frozer's ice covered Adrien from head to toe. It was one thing to see Ladybug working with a different Black Cat on the news. Quite another to have his replacement. Three. Frickin. Meters. In front of him!
Chloe didn't notice... Or rather Adrien didn't notice when she'd let go to help her mother. Who tried to fire her own daughter as thanks.
Adrien jerked his eyes away from the superhero duo-
I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!
-Away from the Miraculous holders and forced himself to listen to whatever the Bourgeois were saying. Ears ringing as Ladybug and the Black Cat talked about something behind him...
"Oh, mom. If only you knew what a great team we made!" Chloe trailed after her mother as they walked down the tower's stairs; attempting to capture her attention. "We fired a bunch of incompetents. It was awesome. We should really spend more time together! What if I went back to New York with you?"
"Don't be ridiculous, Casserole- Eh, Chloe!" Audrey dismissed. "First I have to get back to Gabriel Agreste's fashion show. And they better..."
Adrien's eyes narrowed as he looked down from the railing, his grip on it tightening. Heat from a growing indignation melting the ice he felt. What did she just call Chloe?
"Adrien Agreste, right? I can give you a lift back if you want."
His tensed body jerked in surprise as Adrien realized Ladybug was standing right behind him. Throat and chest constricting as his thoughts whirled. Spots darkened his vision as he felt lightheaded. Adrien's knuckles becoming white, the metal railing digging into his skin. A single thought rose above the ringing in his ears.
I don't wanna talk to her.
Giving his best model smile, Adrien schooled his features. "Ah, thanks but-" he pointed down, "-I should really check on them."
"O-oh! Of course!"
Ladybug's face was out of focus but Adrien could still feel the melancholy in her voice.
Powering past his queasy stomach Adrien made his way to the stairs. The sound of Ladybug's yo-yo whirring reached his ears; signaling her departure. Adrien took a shuddering gasp as he leaned against a metal pillar for support. Body suddenly limp.
Breath accelerating Adrien tried to calm himself. Why was he up here? Had- Had Audrey's blast mind controlled him? Again!? He couldn't breathe.
Adrien sank to his knees as he felt his skin crawl at the idea of that- that- asshole reaching into his mind and taking away his free will. He hated it! He HATED it!
Gasping as his rage broke him out of the panic, Adrien steadied his breathing... He wanted- no, needed to know what happened... Which meant getting up and moving forward... Forcing himself to his feet Adrien wiped the sweat from his brow and followed the others down.
---------------
"Remind me to tell your father to fire the person in charge of the Eiffel Tower elevators..." Audrie panted. "This is... unacceptable... utterly unacceptable!"
"Of course, mom. Oh!" Chloe glanced down to see what she'd stumbled on.
Adrien looked up as he fanned himself with Marinette's hat.
And dropped it.
He stared open mouthed at the small, black, octagonal box in Chloe's hands. Heartbeat leaping into his throat.
What the hell is THAT doing here!?
"Ooh! What's this?" Chloe turned the box around in her hands but didn't open it.
Adrien suddenly forgot his exhaustion and rushed to her side. The lie coming easily to his lips. "Oh, I recognize that! They sell them at antique shops."
"Ew, it's old! Get it away from me!" Chloe practically hurled it at Adrien.
Catching it easily. A thrill ran up Adrien's arms and down his spine as the box made contact with his skin. The hairs at the back of his neck standing on end.
Chloe dusted her hands and kept walking. Glancing nervously at her mother. Hoping Audrey hadn't seen her with something so outdated.
I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! The voice in his head said.
Shut up, Adrien told it as he stared at the unknown Miraculous in his hand. Heartbeat hammering in his chest. But it wasn't from fear. No, it was... anticipation.
The corners of Adrien's lips curled upwards.
------------------------------
Notes: Oh, would you look at that. I'm back! It only took... eight months!
45 notes · View notes
sparkkeyper · 3 years
Text
Variations on a Theme
I’ve been working on this one for a while and finally managed to finish it up for the Ace Omens discord prompt - Dancing.
The music I had on repeat while writing the second half was “So Close” from Enchanted. I like to imagine the record they end up with is one of those piano-only arrangements of it.
Also, you can’t tell me that Crowley didn’t jam to every Top 40 since music charts were invented.
(Now on AO3!)
---------------------------
"You mean you've only danced the gavotte?"
Crowley's sunglasses were barely hanging on to his nose as it was, what with the both of them being several drinks into their first bottle of the night. It didn't take many to banish the glasses these days, not when the pair of them were nestled comfortably in the back room of the bookshop, the failed Armageddon several weeks behind them. The demon stared incredulously over the tinted lenses as Aziraphale straightened from where he had begun to slouch with his wine.
"And why is that such a surprise? Angels don't usually dance at all."
"Yeah but you're not a 'usually' angel, you're you!" Crowley waved a hand wildly but did his glasses the mercy of setting them on the end table before they could fall. "You like the...the singing and the harmonizing and stuff. Humans have been moving to music since the Beginning and you really never, ever wanted to learn?"
"I did learn," the angel pointed out.
"Never wanted to learn more than the one?" Crowley amended. "Just the one in six thousand years?"
"It just didn't strike me as something I wanted to try," Aziraphale shrugged and refilled his wine glass. "The humans seemed to enjoy it sure enough, but it looked like such a hassle to attempt."
"A hassle!" Crowley threw his head back and grabbed his hair, and goodness did Aziraphale love to watch him wax dramatic when embroiled in a topic he was passionate about. "Dancing a hassle! Dancing a ha- It's not a job, angel, it's for fun!"
"Yes but in order for one to dance well, one must put in a certain amount of work."
"It's not about dancing well, it's about letting loose." Crowley rolled his eyes, stalking over to the angel's record collection next to the gramophone. "Unless you're in a professional stage company, you're not required to dance well."
"Somehow that sentiment isn't the least bit surprising coming from you."
"Oi, I'll have you know I'm an excellent dancer even though I'm not required to be. Come on, there's got to be something in here you can dance to."
"I don't know the proper steps to anything else."
"Bah, steps!" Crowley waved him off. "Don't need steps. Just make it up."
"I most certainly cannot."
"You most certainly can so. Oh for Satan's sake-" Crowley gave up his hunt and snapped, materializing a record in the gramophone and giving the handle a few solid cranks. "There we go!" His shoulders began moving to a heavy clapping beat that had definitely never been released on 78.
He turned back to Aziraphale, a grin on his face as his hips twitched to the music. "No steps, see? Just freestyle it. Come on, off the sofa, let's see it."
"This hit, that ice cold,
Michelle Pfeiffer, that white gold,
This one for them hood girls,
Them good girls, straight masterpieces-"
He made a get-up gesture and Aziraphale rose uncertainly. "I really don't think I know what to do with this-"
"Don't have to, that's the best part. Just move to the beat. "
Aziraphale tried to imitate his friend, he really did, but there was no pattern to follow. One moment the movement was in Crowley's shoulders, the next it was in his hips, and now his feet were acting out a stomp-like rhythm on the carpet. It was a fascinating thing to watch, how dancing seemed to take over his entire corporation. With the gavotte, one's back remained quite straight. There was a level of control and skill to it that Aziraphale had greatly enjoyed: maintaining some parts of yourself in position while moving others. But with Crowley's dancing, the entire line of his body twisted and flowed. A movement that started in his neck might end in an arm, or maybe it would travel up one leg and come back down the other. He made it look effortless, like it took no thought at all.
"I'm too hot! Hot damn!
Call the police and the fireman.
I'm too hot! Hot damn!
Make a dragon wanna retire, man-"
The demon's eyes flicked over his stilted attempts to copy the motions and Aziraphale watched him bite back a smirk. "No, angel?"
"Perhaps it's this century's music - goodness, there's not much melody, is there? - but I really don't understand this sort of dancing."
"Not much to understand, really, but here. We'll step it back a few decades." He snapped again and a new record appeared in his hand, which was quickly swapped out for the one on the gramophone.
Crowley snapped his fingers to the beat, hips moving in time. "Oh, don't give me that look. You can't possibly dislike Bill Haley and His Comets."
"One, two, three o'clock, four o'clock, rock.
Five, six, seven o'clock, eight o'clock, rock.
Nine, ten, eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock, rock.
We're gonna rock! Around! The clock tonight!
Put your glad rags on and join me, hon',
We'll have some fun when the clock strikes one-"
"It's not that I dislike it..." Aziraphale did his best to imitate the hip thing, and the demon's stifled snort told him exactly how unsuccessful he was at it. "I just don't...connect with this style of dance, I suppose. That's the only way I know how to put it."
"So try your own style. It's not a right and wrong, it's just whatever motion speaks to you." Crowley threw his torso into a shimmy and goodness, what were his knees even doing? Aziraphale gave up trying to copy any of it.
"That's just it! Motions don't 'speak to me'. Dancing isn't...isn't...aimlessly gyrating! It's about form and style - about using form and style to bring the music to life. There's a language to it the same way there's a language to literature. Every kick and dip and bow means something and it's all spoken into being through movement! But there needs to be a form in order for that to happen."
"No no, that's the problem! That's so limiting! So much of the universe is already made up of forms and rules!" Crowley threw his hands up to encompass the heavens. "Laws and etiquette and physics, everywhere! Inescapable! Dancing is freedom! Music is emotion distilled down into pure audio form precisely so you can do what you want with it! How does it make you feel? What does it make you want? You take it and you process it and you feel it and move however it moves you! It's speaking, yes, but in a way no one else has control over! The thing about dancing is you get to be purely you, no matter what anybody else wants."
"I already am me," Aziraphale insisted. "And I like knowing what movement comes next. I like having straightforward expectations to fulfill. That's what's satisfying - completing the steps and knowing you've gotten them right!"
The moment stretched out between them as they both let this soak in. Somewhere along the way, the gramophone had made the executive decision to go silent.
"Certainly can't fault you for that," Crowley said slowly. "Preferring a solid plan. Expectations outlined and all. It's very you."
"Nor, I suppose, could I fault you for preferring more freedom in your movement. You've always had a penchant for finding new ways to express yourself. What with the clothes and the hair and all." Aziraphale fidgeted with the corner of his waistcoat absently. "It suits you, it really does. But not me. If that were my only option, I'd rather not dance at all." He shook himself with a tiny smile and sat back in his armchair. "Ah well. I had a good run with the gavotte, anyway. Got a few good decades out of it."
Crowley pursed his lips for a few moments, then switched the record again to fill the room with a smooth piano. "Can't have that, though, can we? One dance goes out of style and you're done? I don't think so. Come on, angel, get back up." He made a come-here motion until Aziraphale stood again.
"Look, I'm really not-"
"You want defined steps? I'll give you defined steps."
Aziraphale paused, considering. "What sort is it?"
"Easy one. Simple, can use it for a lot of dances. Waltz, foxtrot, all kinds of things."
Aziraphale chewed on his lip. He wasn't anxious to make a fool of himself stumbling over a completely unfamiliar style. But goodness, he missed dancing.
Crowley held out a hand to him. It was a hesitant thing, far enough out to be an offering but close enough in to be passed off as a casual gesture if it went unaccepted.
Aziraphale braced himself and accepted it. "Right. So how does this work?"
"Easy. Here, I'll lead. So you just - hand here... Other hand here..." Crowley positioned Aziraphale's right hand on his shoulder and loosely grasped his left. They stood like that together for a moment, a good distance apart so the angel could look down at his shoes. "And I step like this..." Crowley moved one foot forward. "So you step backwards to match me. Go on, then."
Aziraphale stepped as instructed.
"Right. And then I move here -" His other foot came forward and to the side - "And yours comes back and over along the same route. Yep. Now feet together, like they were at the start. Good?"
Aziraphale made certain he had his balance and nodded.
"Good. Now I step back, like you did, and you come forward this time... No no, leave your other foot there. Right. Now bring your other foot forward as mine comes back and over. Just stepping in a big square, that's all we're doing. And feet back at the start. Make sense?"
Aziraphale pulled in a deep breath. "Simple enough in theory."
"Here, we'll try it again. Back-two. Side-two. Forward-two. Side-two...that's right. Now we just add a bit of a turn to it and that's all it is. Like this... Back-two, side-two-"
Aziraphale clutched at him as they worked their way around the room to the music. (The furniture wisely backed itself up to give them space, twisting physics occasionally to avoid being tripped over.) The problem wasn't the steps, exactly. It was combining the steps with everything else: holding tight to Crowley to keep his balance while still trying to keep enough distance to give his legs room to work, figuring out which foot to have his weight on and when, incorporating the dratted turn into the rest of it, moving precisely in time with Crowley so that they didn't step on each other.
Humans had so many pieces to keep track of. So many parts moving a specific distance at the same time. He'd been in this corporation for thousands of years and usually had an excellent handle on how it operated, but that only made new movement patterns more difficult to master. It took so much work for him to commit such things to muscle memory. Each misstep threw his rhythm off and dammit, there, he was so close to overbalancing them both -
But Crowley kept him in place.
Crowley's palm rested just under his right shoulder blade, guiding the motion of his body through space. Holding him so steady even when he felt himself floundering. Wasn't that always the way? he thought distantly, eyes trained on his feet. Even after stepping repeatedly on the demon's toes (and heels, and instep, and in one spectacular fumble the back of his left knee) Crowley was a solid anchor keeping him upright.
Dancing of any variety did not come naturally to Aziraphale. Angels were built to be sturdy, immovable. It had taken him ages to make any headway at all with the gavotte. But Crowley didn't seem to mind. He chuckled a bit when Aziraphale stepped too early. He murmured advice, a smile on his lips. And his eyes sparkled. Goodness, how they sparkled.
Letting the music wash over him, Aziraphale put his trust in Crowley. Let the demon guide him here in their own little circle. Slowly, slowly, he was getting the hang of the steps - treading on toes less at any rate. It was nice, dancing like this, it really was...
And then Crowley spun him.
He didn't realize what was happening until it was practically over. The motion of Crowley's arm coming up and turning guided his whole body smoothly around and he clicked back into place against the demon like he was never meant to be anywhere else.
Aziraphale's feet faltered to a stop, eyes wide and all steps forgotten.
Crowley froze with him. "Too much?" he asked quietly.
"I - I..." Aziraphale felt like he was still spinning, heart beating entirely too fast. "I don't..."
"Too much," Crowley answered himself, releasing his hold and taking a step back. "Thought I might try mixing it up, but I misjudged. Won't do it again."
"Mixing it...oh. Of course." Aziraphale looked down at the space between them. It was barely two feet but it suddenly seemed so much farther. "This is holding you back, isn't it? This repetitive step. You'd much rather be improvising."
"I...well I didn't say that..."
"Like you said before. You'd prefer to let the music move you rather than be limited to a predetermined pattern. I can understand that even if I can't relate. You shouldn't be beholden to this."
"It's good," Crowley blurted out, making the angel pause. "For music like this. The down-tempo, largo stuff. This is a good way to dance to it. I like it." He swallowed hard and tried for a nonchalant shrug. "I mean, don't ask me to dance like this to Uptown Funk but for this style it's...y'know. It's good."
"Right. Good." Aziraphale fidgeted, hands feeling incredibly empty. "I admit, I'm very much out of my depth here. Angels don't... I don't know what I'm doing.”
"We can stop. No sense pushing it."
"I didn't say... I'll get used to it."
"You don't have to get used to anything you don't want to." Crowley made to step back but Aziraphale, in an instant of panic, stepped forward after him.
"I want to!"
Silence stretched between them, broken only by the soft piano. Crowley stood frozen, as though his next movement required the most careful consideration of his life.
Aziraphale steeled himself and raised his hands back to their dancing positions. "Please."
The demon looked over the two of them and very hesitantly replaced his hands, as though doing so might scare the angel off.
They stood there for a long time. Not moving, just holding on to each other with the breathless tension of men on the gallows, waiting for the trap door to open beneath them.
Aziraphale pulled in a deep, steadying breath. "I'm afraid it's going to take a long time for me to get this right. All of this. I'm not very good at this sort of thing when I don't know the steps."
"Take all the time you need," Crowley replied softly. "I'm just sort of making it up as I go, honestly."
"It might be very long. I can't improvise as easily as you can."
"I wouldn't expect you to." The demon tightened his grip ever so slightly and Aziraphale suddenly couldn't conceive of pulling away. "No spinning, promise."
"I - I didn't say that." Fingers itched to trace a familiar nervous pattern - straighten bowtie, adjust waistcoat. They tightened in Crowley's hands instead. "Just...warn me before you do. Let me prepare."
"I can do that, yeah." The demon held him so carefully, as though giving him every chance to break away, and started them off into their pattern once more.
The hesitant grip grew more sure with each rotation around the room, and it was impossible to tell if it was one or both of them. Each successful round of the sequence made Aziraphale feel a little bolder. It was the reassurance of a task set and completed: the very ancient satisfaction of expectations met. That desire had been ingrained in his bones since bones were invented and in a way it calmed him. There was so much he suddenly felt unprepared for but at least he could do this. 
He wasn’t successful every time, of course. He still fumbled, still trod on snakeskin shoes. But the guiding hand was back under his shoulder blade and God, did it make a world of difference. It stayed with him through each failed attempt and carried him through to try again. Any wrong positioning of his legs seemed less important when he was sure Crowley would keep him where he needed to be. 
He could see the tension draining from the demon as well. The sense that he was holding something fragile and afraid to break it was melting slowly back into the confident strides Aziraphale had seen from the start. The lines of motion flowed through him the way they had earlier, though more predictably at present. He was still amazing to watch, all moving lines and sharp joints. Aziraphale blamed more than one stagger on it.
"All right if I spin you?"
The angel braced himself. "All right."
"'Kay. Three, two-" Crowley twirled him again and for a single, dazzling moment it felt like flying. It felt free and easy and the most natural thing in the world -
And then he stumbled over his own feet coming back in and nearly collapsed against the demon's chest and drat, now he'd lost all the steps-
"Forward-two, right-two, back-two, you've got it, come on, forward-two -"
Aziraphale clung to the instructions and managed to get back on track within an eight-count, concentrating fiercely on the movements of their feet together.
"That's what I'm talking about. Look at you. Angel dancing something other than the gavotte. Who would have thought, eh?"
"Who indeed." There was a warm fluttering in his chest. So much to keep track of with these human bodies.
He was still going to need a lot of time and a lot of practice. He had a feeling there was a lot of unknown territory ahead regarding the two of them.
But he had Crowley to keep him steady. So they’d be all right.
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jyndor · 3 years
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I’m rewatching the Puppetmaster for ~research~ and ugh.This is such a good episode but I cannot stand the treatment of Hama and also Katara’s special bending ability. And I’m gonna talk about it because I can’t help myself. But I also want to offer a solution maybe something that the writers could have done instead. Granted I’m a white US American so while I am about to talk about imperialism, anti-indigenous racism and racialized misogyny, I am coming from a position of privilege here and ymmv. It’s important that we as fans (especially white fans) acknowledge the things that our favorite stories can do better so that we can make our fandoms safer for everyone.
And btw fans of color have been talking about this so I definitely am going to be quoting some phenomenal bits of critique I have read on here. Also you should follow @shewhotellsstories and @visibilityofcolor for anti-racist fandom commentary.
I am also going to talk about grooming, so just be aware if that is a trigger for you.
I. Hama as a Campfire Horror Story Monster
The episode starts out with the Gaang camping in a creepy forest telling ghost stories to each other. Set to spooky music, Katara tells a story about something that happened to Kya, a friend named Nini (likely) dying in a snowstorm and then haunting her family’s home as a ghost. Immediately after, Toph hears people screaming under the ground - and then Hama finds them and invites them to her inn.
Every so often, Hama says something spooky with the spooky music playing. Katara immediately takes to Hama, but the others (especially Sokka) find her pretty unnerving. Katara says she reminds her of Gran Gran before Sokka starts snooping around and finds a bunch of puppets and a comb from the Southern Water Tribe. It’s the standard horror movie fakeout.
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Every so often we get an artfully placed hint about Hama’s agenda - pulling water out of thin air, showing Katara that “plants - and all living things” are made of water. And oh yeah, she makes herself ice claws. Cool skill, but in the context of the episode, a little more unnerving.
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The “moon monster” that Old Man Ding mentions, the alleged Moon spirit, turns out to be Hama (of course) and the tension builds to a peak as the Gaang rush to save Katara from the “dark puppetmaster” that has imprisoned the villagers.
Meanwhile Hama and Katara stand under the full moon washed in spooky cool lighting with an ominous breeze around them. You see Hama practically transform into a monster in a way sort of reminiscent to a werewolf - her fingers become claw-like, her veins pop out. I don’t think it’s a stretch to say it’s a coincidence that as she reveals her true agenda, she becomes less human in appearance. Which... okay I’ll get to that later.
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While I can’t say that Katara fits the Final Girl trope very well, I do think it’s interesting to note that horror movies often do feature women as heroes who defeat the monster/killer/whatever and usually the Final Girl is used to allow audiences to experience the full horror of the villain, which absolutely is how Katara is used here. Yes, her friends come to help, but she saves everyone in the end (my queen).
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So here’s why that’s bullshit.
Framing Hama as a horror story monster make sense when you don’t think about the Implications of framing the indigenous woman POW living surrounded by people who have benefited from Fire Nation imperialism. It does - it’s a common trope: the reclusive witch who first seems kindly to some lost/wandering children before revealing her true intention - to use them for her own purposes. Yeah, I know they’re playing on Hansel and Gretel. But yeah, I’m gonna call bullshit on that too - drawing on a c*nnabalistic witch for inspiration when you’re writing an indigenous woman character is probably not the way to go.
II. Hama the Puppetmaster* and Groomer
A puppet master is obviously a puppeteer, and Hama has puppets (creepy though they may be). But in terms of the underlying meaning, she’s a chessmaster, an Emperor Palpatine/Dick Cheney kind of master manipulator who works mostly through other people. What most people would consider a psychopath (in layman’s terms). When her friendly mask falls, she is terrifying.
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She is cold, calculating, manipulative as fuck - she isolates Katara almost immediately. Hama uses Katara’s desire to connect with her culture to groom her to become a weapon. It’s actually such a good example of grooming that it has to be purposeful:
Targeting a victim - Hama hears that Katara and Sokka are from the SWT. She also hears Katara tell a story about Kya. To Hama, a waterbender from her own culture is a hell of a target.
Gaining trust - Hama reaches out to Katara in particular, is especially kind to her, gives her individual attention that the others don’t get. She prepares a SWT feast for them and tells the Gaang about her heritage when they go snooping.
Filling a need - so once Hama has given Katara reason to trust her about waterbending, she promises Katara to pass on SWT waterbending heritage that only Hama knows. She fills a unique need of Katara’s.
Isolation - From then on out, we don’t see Katara with the rest of the Gaang until the end of the episode. Hama seems like a normal teacher but she does start to drop little hints, pushing Katara very gently to see how she will react to her real agenda and desensitizing Katara to what would otherwise seem unacceptable coming from someone else who hasn’t established that unique trust. “You’ve got to keep an open mind, Katara.”
So this would be the point at which Hama would make sexual contact but this is metaphorical so that obviously doesn’t happen. What does happen is Hama pushes Katara’s limits. She makes her pretty uncomfortable with the idea of killing the fire lilies for water, but when Hama appeals to their shared history of marginalization she gets over it.
Maintaining control: Hama makes her final move, which is obviously bloodbending, and reveals her true agenda - and when Katara refuses to manipulative living beings’ blood, Hama violates her bodily agency. And not only this, but she pushes Katara into bloodbending when she victimizes the Gaang, fully realizing her control. 
Hama sees it as a victory, and telling Katara breaks down at the end in one of the most emotional scenes in the show. She feels like so many of us have felt at some point: violated, betrayed by someone we trusted. And then they never really deal with that.
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I actually think that’s the point of The Puppetmaster, especially given ATLA being a show for children. I think it’s supposed to be a metaphor for csa.
And... okay.
Undoubtedly it is important to send these messages to kids. And yes, people usually are victimized by those closest to them, by those in their own communities. But not indigenous women. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen, but according to the National Congress of American Indians, Native American women  and girls are more likely to be sexually assaulted by non-NA men. 57% of cases are perpetrated by white men. Not the people in their communities.
Choosing to tell this story with an indigenous woman POW (who very likely would have been victimized herself lbr) is a choice that I find really aggravating. When writers tell stories with a Point, it is incredibly important for those writers to understand the implications of what they are saying about the characters who they are using to make that point.
Like I’m not saying don’t make that point, or don’t use Katara (who would in real life be at a higher risk of sexual violence than the others) to make it, but why make the perpetrator someone who is statistically unlikely to be Katara’s abuser? I’m not sure I have a good answer to that question. My guess is, like with making Hama animalistic and about as unsympathetic as it gets, the writers just had blinders on about the cultural implications of what they were saying.
Not even considering the whole victimizing-the-“innocents”-of-the-Fire-Nation-town plot, Hama’s not a good person. This is probably because she was driven mad by the need for revenge, which, eurgh okay, but still it’s very apparent that she is not interested in winning over Katara’s support directly or honestly.
* also the antisemitic history of this trope hmm.
III. Hama and The Victims of Genocide Victimizing Oppressors #NotAllFireNation
Okay. So this is the part that I think annoys me the most because it’s so bad. Like, imagine for a minute that you’re a white guy and you’re gonna tell a story about a victim of genocide who is completely divorced from her culture and homeland, and furthermore is an escaped prisoner of war who has radicalized in prison - okay it just hit me, I know what they MIGHT have been going for, like maybe some kind of anti-Gitmo statement? But that didn’t happen. People who were stolen away from Iraq and imprisoned illegally in Guantanamo Bay, and who were released after being detained illegally, haven’t really shown any real radicalization. They’re pissed at the US for victimizing them, but like that seems pretty fair considering so many of them did nothing wrong.
That’s been the US government’s excuse for not releasing innocent people who were detained illegally. The idea that prisoners of war radicalized in Gitmo so they can’t be released because they’ll attack the US is propaganda. I’m not saying it hasn’t happened, but that’s where it comes from.
Considering the time period ATLA was written, considering how much of it was inspired by the US wars of aggression and imperialism, considering how political ATLA is (and why it was so popular during its initial run - during the years that Bush lost a ton of popularity) I think if that’s what they were thinking about, that’s not great.
But for all of Avatar’s good messaging on imperialism and war, it’s still written from a white US American mindset. Well surely I’m not responsible, surely you shouldn’t imprison and abuse me, a random white girl in the States. It’s my government, which I cannot control because of two-party politics or some shit.
So first off, that’s shitty because oppression is often about systems, not individuals. Sure we need to always consider the individual experiences of people who are victimized, but the people who are benefiting from imperialism? Me? Fuck if I care if someone in El Salvador or Iraq or Chile or idk any of the countries we have meddled in, let alone from a marginalized community in the United States, hates white US Americans for what our government has done - and that’s even silly because white US citizens support our government. Like we think the institutions are sound, although sometimes we don’t support the guy in charge. We think the cops are going to help us, even though that isn’t really the case.
Why frame it about what she’s doing to the Fire Nation civilians at all? Why make Hama the villain? I don’t think they wanted her to be unsympathetic, I mean they tell her story and I don’t think anyone would conclude that it doesn’t justify her desire for revenge, but why tell this story through a victim of genocide?
Recently I saw a post by @sunkin-akh where they point out that Hama basically quotes Malcolm X:
I was literally just watching the Hama episode again and I just noticed for the first time that while forcing Katara to bloodbend she says that they must fight back against the Fire Nation (and she used this exact phrase) “by any means necessary”, which is Frantz Fanon’s phrase popularized by Malcolm X during the Civil Rights Movement (iirc). They directly compared Black liberation to Hama’s evil acts and it disgusted me.
The full context:
Hama: The choice [to use bloodbending] is not yours. The power exists. And it’s your duty to use the gifts you’ve been given to win this war. Katara, they tried to wipe us out, our entire culture, your mother.
Katara: I know.
Hama: Then you should understand what I’m talking about. We’re the last waterbenders of the Southern Tribe, we have to fight these people whenever we can, wherever they are, with any means necessary.
I find that so appalling because it is framing resistance, specifically anti-racist resistance, as barbaric and monstrous. And given the way that Hama is portrayed at this point, about as inhuman as anyone in ATLA, that is extra gross.
Finally, after Katara defeats Hama, she is lead away by the authorities in CHAINS.
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So now the FN cops are the good authorities who we’re gonna trust a SWT waterbender with? I mean she’s a villain so we’re probably not supposed to feel bad for her, like yeah sure the FN is usually bad but she’s a criminal so it’s okay that they take a POW back into custody.
No, no, no.
I know I am reading into this far more than the writers intended - but that’s kind of the point of critically engaging with media. Because shockingly writers don’t always question their choices - they are people and have implicit biases just like all of us. When those writers come from a privileged culture that has colonized the culture they are using as “inspiration” for their story, they need to be extra mindful of how they represent those people.
IV: How To Write Hama
Well, I’m not gonna talk over indigenous fans on this one on specifics, and you should read this rewrite by @kispesan​  but my thoughts generally are:
lose the horror framing it’s just not right for this context and this character
don’t frame Malcolm X as a villain because that’s nasty and racist
have Katara learn to use bloodbending in ways that she is comfortable with (and not just like once in one episode where she’s extra vengeful and the hero of the show doesn’t approve of her actions JFC) and don’t make the dark-skinned girl the only character whose special bending skill is dubious (I know she also has healing but still)
bring Hama home
have indigenous people in the writers room
Anyway, I’ve gone on wayyy too long. Let me know if I am speaking out of turn please if you feel that I am. and I’m sure I had other thoughts but if you want to read some other good pieces of Hama meta, I’ve listed some below:
post and another post by @marsreds​
this post and this post by @visibilityofcolor​
this post by @shewhotellsstories​
anyway katara is a queen and should have been allowed to heal, and hama never should have been irredeemable because if you can make iroh redeemable, if the show was going to redeem AZULA, you can make hama redeemable.
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nexyra · 3 years
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What is your take on rwby chara's mbti types? I think
Weiss - xSTJ, thought that she was ESTJ at first but ISTJ makes a lot of sense too.
Winter - ESTJ
Pyrrha - ESFJ
Emerald - ISFJ (I've seen some ppl type her as INFJ but I don't see how she is a Ni dom?)
Whitley - ENTJ? I'm honestly not sure abt that..
Adam - fucked up xNFJ, probably INFJ (seen him typed as xNTJ but his delusional thinking process imo screams unhealthy Ti and I think his manipulation of Blake and the WF is more Fe than Te
Qrow - was thinking ISTP but with the more recent volumes I'm really not sure..
Penny - ENFP
Ozpin - Uuuuuh INTP maybe?? But I've seen some people type him as INFJ. INFJ 5w6 would make sense as to why he might appear as an INTP but idk..
Bartholomew- ENTP
Jaune - no fucking idea honestly
Ironwood - ENTJ
Sun - Seen ppl type him as ENFP but I don't see any Ne at all..,,ESFP?
Yang - ESxP, maybe ESTP
Cinder - INTJ
Mercury - ISTP
Oscar - ISFJ
Ren - ISTx?
Hello anon ! I see my love for typology hasn't gone unnoticed 😂 Thank you so much for the ask !
I prefer enneagram over MBTI because I find it easier to type; so fair warning that I'm not an authority on MBTI-typing. But I do have have an ongoing RWBY typing that includes MBTI sooo... here goes !
(I'm putting my ennea typings along with it, but not explaining them on this post)
➸ RWBYJNPR
Ruby • xNFP 6w7 9w1 2w3?
I just can't decide between the two fors Ruby because... it kind of goes both way ??? Like Ruby definitely feels as INFP for the first half of the series; she's got a clear Fi > Ne preference... But then when she develops her Tert in V6 it's just... Te ? And she really doesn't show much Si actually she fits more the Si inf vibe in the form of forgetting about bad memories and her mom until people dig it up and she's like "nooo !" ?? So it looks like Te > Si but also Fi > Ne; conclusion idfk
Weiss • ISTJ 1w2 6w5 3w4 sp/so
Clear Fi tert rearing its head along with the 1 so I'm going with ISTJ; I also never really saw any Ne. Her type isn't too disagreed upon so tell me if you want a lenghtier explanation.
Blake • ISFP 6w5 9w8 4w3 (in some order)
Wooh this might get the anger of some (i have experience with the INFJ typers) but Blake goddamn REEKS of Fi. Less so recently but for the first seasons oh my god. She straights up catch you by the shirt and tells you "I'm doing the right thing"; and said right thing is so heavily dependant on her own subjectives values, which is why Blake can't reconcile with the current White Fang; because she doesn't have a strong Je vision of "what objectively works in the end", she only sees actions in terms of immediate right and wrong, and this b&w dichotomy stems from herself. What the WF is doing is wrong and the circumstances don't matter for judging the morality of their actions (of course I'm not talking about murder here bc that's pretty wrong ALL THE TIME but for example the stealing occuring in V1 bc of the WF is a better example)
Yang • ESXP 7w8 8w7 2w3
I'm sorry about that but I can't help you on that aspect anon, I still can't make up my mind about whether Yang has Fi or Ti. I have seen arguments for both, and i'm not the best at picking up on Ti so it's hard for me to tell.
Jaune • ESFJ 6w7 3w2 9w1
No strong opinions on his MBTI, it's kinda just based on vibes
Nora • ENFP 6w7 9w8 3w2
Textbook ENFP, not much to say here x))
Pyrrha • XXFJ 2w1 1w2 6?
In my list Pyrrha is currently written down as ISFJ but that's mostly based on the general consensus and me wanting to get rid of the XX. I don't actually have any convincing arguments to decide on Ni or Si, so I could go either way if someone else makes their case well. I feel like she's Fe aux more than dom, but even about that I could change my mind. Pyrrha didn't have that much screentime in the end :((
Ren • ISTJ? 9w1 5w4 4w5
Ironically I'm not sure about his type, kind of like you. I've mentionned I'm not very good at picking up on Ti right ? And Ren was a background character before V4 really. I had him written down as ISTP for a while but I've seen some convincing arguments for ISTJ so I might lean toward that actually but who knows. The thing I'm very confident about is his 5 fix = )
➸ Faunus bonus
Sun • ESFP 7w6 2w3 9w1 so/sx
I don't see any Ne at all either so I don't understand the ENFP typings...?? Maybe the 7 stereotypes ? Imo Sun is just a very good boy; certified ESFP 7 himbo; triple positive sunshine !
Ilia • Ti-Fe axis ?
Again, not enough screentime for me to make an educated guess. My only certainty is : not high Fi. It's the source of their conflicts. Blake confidence in absolute right & wrong, tracing lines in the sand between acceptable & unacceptable. Whereas Ilia can only shake her head and say "Because it works", or cry out "I don't know what else to do !"
Adam • 3w4 8w7 6w5
I honestly don't really have much of an opinion about Adam's MBTI, i'm sorry anon ;; I don't know enough about how he thinks
➸ Oz-related things and his circle
Ozpin • INFJ 5w4 2w1 1w9
I would personally call him an INFJ. I... never really got INTP vibes from him ? I don't see the Fe inf work out with his interactions : he's always rather at ease, he knows how to navigate around people... His focus inherently lies on doing what's best for the "group", the people, humanity. Fx functions are both concerned with ethics, in different ways, and I think Oz reflects that well. He IS concerned with the moral weight of his actions, but it's a more adaptable and unpersonnal concern than Fi people. He regards Ironwood's soul machines as something wrong, but can still agree to use it if the situations demand it for example. So... if the INFJ + 5 makes sense to you, well that's what I'm typing him personally. I also feel like Ni fits him more than Ne. Ozpin has a very linear way of planning, he does use his fair share of symbolism in every day conversation... Even when taking decisions, he... kind of cares about the meaning of things a lot ? It's hard to explain but like; the way he highlights the difference between an army and a guardian, and the emotionnal response it brings. I don't know it feels like there's some Ni vibes in there x)
Oscar • ISFJ 9w8 6w7 3w2
Oscar's type honestly isn't the one I would have the easiest time explaining in lenght but yea. It's mostly vibes; also just like Ozpin he doesn't seem to have a particularly Fi reasonning. And he feels more grounded, I don't really remember any Ni so... yay ?
Ironwood • ENFJ 6w5 1w2 3w4 (pre-Vol8); ENTJ (post-Vol8)
Might be weird if you think he was a dictator from the start, but I kind of entertained the idea of Ironwood being Fe dom ? From his very first interaction it was very clear that he was a Je dom to me; he's all about objective results; he doesn't give off the "internal framework" or "personnal values" vibe AT ALL; so it was more a matter of picking Te or Fe. He LOOKS super Te don't get me wrong; but he also has an enneagram tritype that is very common amongst XXTJs (and TJs stereotypes thus derive from it). And just like Oz, his focus at all time seemed to be the greater good and doing what's best for the people still. So I was like... Eh, a "harsh" ENFJ I think that's interesting ? Plus Fe ethics actually derive from their environment, kinda like "everyone agrees that Y is wrong", and if you consider that James is from Atlas... Well his way of thinking and ethics align pretty well with the military.
His character took a turn for the worse in V8 (whether too quick or not depends on who you ask) and past that point he's a clear ENTJ; but I feel like it was more debatable before that. Idk though I might be overthinking this in the hope of making more interesting combinations xD
Qrow • ISTP 4w3 6w7? 1w9? sp/sx
I don't really see anything else than ISTP for Qrow... But he's not a character I would want to find Ti arguments for either.
Raven • ENTJ Cp6w5 8w9 3w4
Most villains get called ENTJ at the first occasions tbh zlqfznhqzkf but I think it fits Raven for the most part actually...
➸ Atlas
Winter • ESTJ 1w9 3w4 6w5
The whole Schnee family has the same enneagram tritype in different order/different wings, it's ridiculous I think she has a higher Te than Weiss, and Fi inf fits her more. She struggles more to reconcile with her emotions and the idea of a personal right/wrong than her little sis.
Penny • ENFP 4w3 6w7 9w1 sx/so
Perfect example of a healthy 4, she's a great friend a cutie pie. ... Sorry we were talking about MBTI x) Well again, textbook ENFP. Not much to debate here.
Whitley • 3w4 1w9 6w5?
Not enough material for me to guess a MBTI type correctly either, sorry... I could see some kind of xNTJ yea but it's really just vibes and not enough concrete.
➸ Antagonists and Extras
Cinder • 8w7 3w4 6w5
Never cared to guess her MBTI type. I hereby type her as insufferable qkfqskfq. More seriously, I don't really know sorry Anon :/
Emerald • 2w3 ?w? ?w?
I never got Fe vibes from her tbh, I just think she's a 2. And Fe as a function is very infused with 2 stereotypes. So yea. Like, she isn't even that worried about the morality of her actions or anything more than the other villains. She just cares more about her personal relationships and being loved, so she automatically looks much nicer, especially with 2 mechanisms of trying to make herself useful and needed. Also because she's surrounded by 8-ish people xD
Mercury • 8w9 7w8 ?w?
ISTP doesn't sound too farfeteched, but I never MBTI-typed him either, sorry.
+
Bartholomew Oobleck • xSxJ 5w4
The only vibe he gave me is Si somewhere because of all his talks about learning from the past and everything repeats itself and it's a mine of informations at Mountain Glen... That's really the only time I tried to put down anything for him, and it was Si + 5. He could be some kind of xNTP nerd too for sure, but that's more vibe and I couldn't make an actual argument for it.
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rosyk · 3 years
Text
Deja vu
pairing: bang chan x reader, (a bit of han jisung x reader)
genre: heavy angst, passion, romance, one-sided love, bestfriends, long distance relationship
warnings: light curses, death, depression, mentions of alcohol and drugs, family problems, mentions of forced sexual activity, insecurities, anxiety, etc. (Its quite detailed in the first part and could trigger some people in these type and if you are one of them, I advice you not to read. It can really be uncomfortable on the first part)
word count: 11.5k
inspiration: Before We Knew It ch. 36-38 (webtoon), White Flowers- Olivia Rodrigo (unreleased song)
a/n: This is the least fic I loved but I had to continue it to start a new one and i won’t ever write things as long as this (it’s hard) lol. I don’t know who’ll ever read this long and cringey story but I hope it’s worth your time (?)
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  If I were to describe a man I’d love to marry someday, it would be someone tall, doesn’t openly show their true feelings towards me, and leads me in life. However, you were the exact opposite of it.
I didn’t even know when and why I fell in love with you. Was it at first sight? No. Was it because someone told me about my indistinguishable feelings for you? No. It was like how love was portrayed in novels and books. I just knew it. Instead of leading my life, you made me, myself, want to lead and search for my future. After you happily talked about your passion for music, you made me feel as if you were the right one. It made me think, “Maybe I do want to be with him until the end of life”. I believe something great would occur and I want to be there when that happens. When the music he produces, raps he created, genres he invented, and when his voice reaches the world, I want to be on his side and be proud I was able to witness all of that. You were everything in times I was the “nothing”.
I truly wished to be a singer right from the start. My dream was unaccepted by my family because the job isn’t as stable as it seems. I had to study medicine since then. Therefore seeing you was like seeing how I could’ve been. I stopped my passion but you made me pursue the unpursued, break off the imaginary limits I had created in my mind. I developed a fear of having to try again. I never sang after years and tried to let go of my past. But you? You lifted me away from the cage of darkness I trapped myself in. My anxiety was too deep to the point I was afraid of people, nightmares, thoughts, happiness, living, being alone, home, and simply just everything.
Even I was scared of myself.
  Then I knew this is the worst a person could be. It isn’t when someone takes drugs, drinks alcohol, or flees away from home. It is when he or she no longer wants to take a step forward. I was frightened by the idea of love but also the idea of being alone. I was terrified to open up when the people closest to me never understood but was scared when I keep everything to myself too much up until I’m tired. I feared death the most, how much more if I was living? I remember cutting myself in bed when I overheard my parents fighting because of my presence. I was shaking, desperately trying to suppress my weeping. Was I sad because I didn’t have good childhood memories I could reminisce? Or was I happy for myself because that was the bravest thing I did? I was too young to understand what I truly felt but I didn’t regret a single thing.
I know the difference between wrong and right but why can’t I tell when it comes to situations that involve me? Is it wrong to think it would’ve been best if I was sleeping forever, in a depth of endless time even though I know I should live for a purpose I couldn’t find or for people who don’t care? But is it also right to live and hope miserably someone out there would find and help me even though it means staying and coping with the pain? Whenever I make a decision, I could hear trapped voices rambling in my head, time ticking as fast as my heartbeat, my soul pressuring me, and my mind that creates negative scenarios which cause me to step back before even having the chance to run. In general, I’ve had to overthink my overthinking.
I also have the habit of blaming myself. As deeper as it goes, it became my lifestyle then. I blamed myself for playing the victim as if I was the only one hurting amidst the world. I blamed myself for crying when I had no right because I gave people terrible occurrences.  I blamed myself for the inability to be brave and commit what I feared the most. I also blamed myself for silently not crying loud enough to the point that my facade turned out stronger.
Looking back, I was a total mess in which I couldn’t even call myself human. My only best friends were the mirror and my own shadow. I was 10 so I appreciated how the mirror felt the same feelings as mine. It doesn’t laugh when I cry even though the creatures surrounding me do. But for the same reason, I hated it. It reflects my despair, how horrible I looked causing me to despise it the most. My shadow on the other hand makes me feel I’m not alone at the end of the day. But I also despised it the moment my mom locked me up in my room, isolating me in darkness to forget all the traumas I had given her. Because even the shadow disappears in my darkest hours. And just like friends, it all just ended. I no longer want to feel love if love was meant to hurt.
  Years of living in hell passed by, until you came.
“You okay?”
  I was crying at the staircase in the nearest tunnel found at school. I was a 16-year-old who tried to break away from my dad’s drunken behavior. Running away was another brave thing I did but it was because the thought of him doing me was scary enough.
It was embarrassing to let you see me like this but surprise was the first reaction I had. No one ever dared to approach me because of my low status and the suspicious silence that I give. Questions filled my head as to why you bothered talking to me. Were the rumors unbelievable enough?
“I am new here but I haven’t seen you a lot in school. Are you the same as I am?”
So he’s a transferee. Honestly speaking, I was discouraged. It’s clear that he would slowly stop approaching me as soon as he knew the rumors. You introduced yourself and asked for my name. I gave you a silent treatment causing you to face my direction. We stared at each other for minutes. You finally gave up and sat beside me as I turned my gaze back at the people playing in the park, sighing heavily.
“Would you like to hear my life?” You look at me, expecting something. I turned back at you, both eyebrows raised. You showed your smile, with those little cute dimples on each side to get away from the awkward atmosphere. Trust me when I tell you that was the brightest thing I’ve ever seen in my whole life. Maybe you did show me the colors I didn’t know I needed in my life.
“Oh… I guess you don’t then? I mean why would you be interested right?” You laughed yourself off but as usual, expected some remarks from me. My eyes panicked as I shook my head quickly from side to side. My eyebrows creased as I bit my lip, hoping you understood what I meant.
“So you do want to hear it?” I shook my head up and down as an approval of your question. Unnoticeably, it was the first time I felt eager especially when it comes to humans.
“Isn’t it annoying though?” I got the hint you wanted to tease me considering your giggles but I was too caught up in assumptions that you wouldn’t continue your storytelling. Thus, I did the same thing, turning my head from side to side, trying to convince you that I desperately want to know what happens in the lives of some.
“Cute” you mumbled to yourself but I was able to hear the word that came out from you. You patted my head casually as you started to talk about your life. I grew slightly embarrassed, curling myself, holding my knees, and acted as if I didn’t hear anything.
You were transparently open in talking to the point that I finally knew what “precious” actually meant. Although it was for a moment I knew it would stop soon, you definitely saved me from all I felt.
There I knew how our lives were exact opposites. If I felt everything, the happiness, and sadness, contrasting feelings I couldn’t comprehend, you on the other hand felt nothing. As soon as your dearest brother got into an accident, you didn’t know what to do. If I had abusive and malicious parents, you had no one to be with. I couldn’t even imagine what would happen If I lived your life.
I knew I was bad for thinking of such a way but I took advantage of your life. It made me feel relieved that there were people who faced the worst monsters than I have inside me. It made me look at the positive side of mines.
Much especially when I didn’t expect it would be you. My first impression of you was this carefree pure guy who had no problems in living his life. Little did I know, you were waking up feeling nothing, smiling with no joy, cries without letting out the pain, and laughs despite the numbness and burden that weighs in your heart. I guess we can’t judge people by the way they appear. We never know how much tears they’ve shed every night.
You summarized and wrapped things up. You asked for my name one last time before leaving. But there I was, hung my head low and sniffles could be heard. You looked in confusion as I tried to cover my face. A surprise was evident in your reaction and it was obvious due to your stuttering. You tried to ask what happened but instead hugged me unconsciously.
That was the first time I’ve ever felt warmth. I was born a mistake so even my parents couldn’t give me this kind of comfort. I cried worse as I had thought of it. The idea of a stranger giving me a better meaning of how home felt like than a family does, who wouldn’t tear up after that?
I don’t want to be ahead of time. But hope filled my mind. Maybe I could find more people like him. Maybe someone out there could notice my emotions. Maybe someone could act as my light. Maybe someone does care about my wellbeing. Out of a huge percentage of people living on Earth, there should be one who could at least meet and save me right? I know I settled in all “maybes” but it was much better than having none.
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  Recalling the series of events, I was a total problem. Yet you were always there for me no matter how heavy of a burden I am. You were the one who believed in me when I couldn’t, picked me up when I was drowning in a wave of traumas and worries, and lightened my deep void. You were my first and swore you’ll be my last, who broke my past and created my unknown beginning. I hated risks but whenever you are involved, I for sure know it is worth it no matter how many needles it may pain me. It had been years before noticing how much you mean to me I may be late, but would never get tired of this. I will listen and enjoy our memories until the end. You will, for eternal love, be my last song in my only playlist.
Although it’s true we never believed in love since the beginning. But all we do know is that we’d like to spend our whole lives together. It’s as if we were bound by the heavens to meet and help one another. With all that’s happening, I would like to assume that this is love people were talking about. Who knew it could be this powerful to change someone?
  [CHAN’S POV]
  And what happened to the “messy innocent girl who was stained by reality?” She became an unrecognizable teen, as pure as ever. In the past, I wasn’t able to feel the emotions most do but look at me now, smiling every time I see you do. Even though I’ve never felt heavy feelings, these light ones are taking a toll on me whenever you call my name.
We had arguments but never had any misunderstandings. This is all because no matter what I say, you are always by my side. I could tell you day by day how much you mean the world to me, my downfalls, and everything unnecessary but you’d still listen to it with no regrets.
Right now, we’re meeting up for a “little date” as you mentioned. I was going to decline because there had been many requirements in class but you seemed too interested that I didn’t want to break it to you.
I was wearing my usual hoodie sweater with baggy pants and ordered for both of us. After all, you would always choose chocolate whipped shakes over anything. You seemed to take too long so I decided to work on some demands given. I turned on my laptop and opened the application as I placed the headphones on my ear, silencing the noise in my surroundings.
Now all I can hear is my heartbeat pounding and swallowing as my throat started to dry. The loading symbol appeared on my screen and I hoped it would stay like that forever. I hoped it would crash and tried to find more excuses for me not to use it.
I was consistently looking at the time shown on the panel below the main screen. The blue circular sign still turns and turns as I see it from my peripheral vision. 3:31, 3:32, 3:33, the minutes kept moving and hands that are now shaking because I assumed this would be the worst nightmare that could happen. But no, cause “worst nightmare” is an understatement when we are referring to this. It would’ve been better as a nightmare because I could wake up from this traumatic moment. I was focused on my screen that I hadn’t noticed the calling in my front.
“Channie?... Chris?.... Christopher?... Mr.Bang Chan?.. Chan!”
  [Y/N’S POV]
  He finally noticed me as soon as I tapped on his shoulders. He flinched and looked at me in horror. It creeped me out but it took seconds before he could pull his eyes away from mine. He bit his lips and I noticed him covering his hands. The staff called out a number which I believe was from our table considering the way he closed his laptop.
“I’m getting that” You forced a little smile as you made way to the counter
I smiled at the thought of our “date” but seeing you sweating and nervously fidgeting your fingers to avoid them from shaking bothers me. Did something happen before you came? Why was he that nervous? Thoughts bombarded my mind, but you coming back with my favorite drink and snacks, looking all-smiley, tells me as if you noticed my discomfort so you tried cheering me up. You sat down in front of me and got rid of your problems. As usual, this guy notices even the littlest gestures I make.
“Did you wait too long?” I asked you with enthusiasm because our little date has now started. The idea non-stop makes my whole day
“No, I just arrived before you did.” You respond with a genuine smile despite the clear lie you just gave. You stroked my hair as you looked at me lovingly
“Oh, I just passed by that bakery we talked about a year ago…..” I started chatting about our fond memories that remain vivid in my head.
It took several hours of talking and enjoying our time together. We also watched that Philippine movie starring two exes who broke up and lived in one house, but being an emotional wreck, it took 30 mins of you trying to comfort me as I cry ugly. Of course, you didn’t miss an opportunity to laugh at me and even took a video. Teasing me and showing my picture as your wallpaper, made me playfully angry.
We also enjoyed visiting the same tunnel where we met. The nostalgia is present. The moon is shining and I can’t help but smile looking at you.
  [CHANS POV]
  You look beautiful under the moon if I must say. I wanted to show the magnificent view because it reminds me of you whenever I see it up above. You were my only light when my days in the past were too dark.
We continued strolling around, counting the streetlights that passed by and talked about a lot of things. Until you decided to speak up-
“About…. the thing that happened earlier?” You looked up to me, but your eyes soon started moving away from mines. You were held on with the anxiety of trying to speak up whenever it had come to my personal life. I don’t know whether it was the trauma you’ve stumbled upon when you asked about my father or it’s just due to your manners. Nonetheless, if it was indeed your trauma, I’ve felt guilty about it and wanted to reassure you I won’t hurt you ever again. “But if you don’t want to talk about it-“ I cut your sentence off.
“My father was a musician..” your eyes shined with glee in my response
“That’s cool!” You exclaimed but it soon faded into a frown after hearing me sigh. Tilting your head, you tried to calculate everything that’s wrong with it. I nervously fidgeted with my hands and knuckles, contemplating a decision that could change and even affect both of us.
“Everything’s wrong... He was into it, music took his mindset and life” I faced my head sideways and gulped without looking at your eye. The trauma, I’m finally telling my pent-up feelings after a lifetime keeping it to myself.
“He was so into composing music and started to forget about the reason he had started to do it. And by that-“ you cut off my sentence and started to nod a few times, pressing your lips together. You pointed your shaky finger at me and spoke softly.
“I think I know where this is going.” You looked at me in disbelief but all I could do is look at you with concern and guilt, asking for forgiveness. “Is this why you didn’t want to love again even after all these years?” Your eyes that shined stars a moment ago, turned into sun at night. It wasn’t raging darkness, but plain agony.
“Can you blame me? I know I love music, I’ve told you that on repeat for years. Is love what I need when that was the cause of everything?”
You didn’t take one glance at me and started walking faster. You were trying to leave me behind but I was quick to grab your hand.
“Please, let’s not act like this. It’s starting to get..” I was trying to think of a less harsh word because things get complicated day by day. And here I thought this date would be an exception. “Childish. Okay? I don’t get why you’re so out of place and it’s like-“
“So now I’m the one getting childish here?” You turned around and faced me, finally. Though it wasn’t any relieving as I expected. You were having tears stuck in your eyes, ready to fall at anytime yet you don’t want to cry in front of me. Are we going to keep this up? I was about to talk but no words came out of me. Until you decided to continue your sentence.
“You knew about this all the time, right? You knew how I was starting to fall for you and yet you continued our relationship without feeling love?” You bit your lips as your eyebrows creased. Trying to push me away, but all I could do was hold you tighter. “I know how trauma feels like. I’ve been there, we’ve been there. But you could’ve told me sooner at least so I’m not the only one looking like a whole fucking fool here, Christopher.” You tried to get away from my hold and yes, you did. Though as I tried to grab your hand once again, you took a step backward and placed your hands up in the air as a sign of surrender. “Call me sensitive but for God’s sake! How could you get me all wrapped up in your finger for the past years and call it something that isn’t attachment nor love? What was I to you then?” It took seconds for me to get the gist of what you’re trying to say and I did understand but I couldn’t answer that simple question.
Because now that I think of it, was I awful to hesitate who you were in my life? Was those years nothing for me then? I want to protect you until the end and I wanted to see you happy but I’m pretty sure I felt this for some of my friends as well. Did I just get into a relationship whilst thinking of my significant other as a friend? Is it called using someone? Taking advantage to make my life better? I know what’s right and what’s wrong. But I don’t know which is which. Getting into a relationship is a risky choice and I don’t want to hurt anybody in between. Because I know that’s what’s wrong. Using others for my need of affection and love is wrong as well. But is this exactly what I’m doing? I don’t know...As things grow, it just gets complicated to the point that I couldn’t even comprehend situations.
“I thought so” you continued, and those words crushed my heart. I didn’t notice the time we’ve been arguing, though technically it’s just you who was able to speak, that we’ve already reached your house. You opened the tiny gate in front of your house and I know what’s going to happen sooner later.
“Maybe, you need time to think about it alright? I don’t think I can keep up with a relationship like this if it’s too one-sided. But don’t worry I’ll wait. Even though what I want may not come,” you chuckled but the sigh was still evident. “I’ll wait for you.” You smiled, but it isn’t the one you’ve always shown me. I was the reason for your happiness but also the reason for your pain. How tragic must have been that sound.
You went your way to the door and closed it. I knew you were crying as I heard little sniffles but never looked my way. Closing the door, that was the last time I had ever seen you. With no goodbye kisses and hugs, you left feeling the ache you didn’t deserve.
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[YOUR POV]
  It was supposed to be “taking a break”, but considering this, I should’ve accepted it as a break-up. You never took time texting me after the whole 4 months. I guess I was no one in your life. But even though I was still hurt, I regretted spatting out things as if it was your fault. You always get guilty over things and I know it was all just because you had a hard time reciprocating your feelings because of the lack of love you’ve felt. I should’ve understood that part but being the sensitive me, I was unmindful. I’ve also never seen you walk past the corridors nowadays, so it’s basically been also the same 4 months of actually not seeing you as well. You really bothered trying to get out of my life.
I groaned as I sat up in the bed. It was around 8:30 and I’m like 1 hour and 30 mins late? Not that I’m bothered by it since I’ve gotten used to it. It’s not like our teacher is there by the time I arrive.
  -SCHOOL-
  “Outside, now” was the first and last thing I’ve heard as I entered my classroom. And here I thought the teacher wasn’t present. Not only did I embarrass myself in front of my classmates, but I’d also have to stand holding a chair, outside the classroom for lower and higher-ups students to see. Awful, and my reputation is broken. Well, not that I had any significant reputation in the first place but come on, you know how hard it was to see students bickering while looking at you.
I heard the door click open and I hoped it was the teacher who finally would let me in. It turned out to be another classmate of mines which I thought was unnecessary. But as I looked back up and noticed his eyes, a sense of familiarity came unto me.
“Han?” My eyes widened at the sight in front of me. I’m not expecting people to be perfect but our class president was the last person I expected to be scolded by our teacher. “Weren’t you inside the classroom way before me?”
“I cursed.” The guy spoke shortly and lifted the chair just like the same punishment I’ve been doing. I blinked my eyes twice but understood nothing.
“Pardon?” I replied in a high tone as if I was questioning what he was trying to say. Cursed? Is he out of his mind, trying to curse in front of the teacher? Besides, he had always been this quiet kid, but girls still tend to simp over. The latter though is out of my knowledge.
“What did you say?” I leaned in as you jolted quite a bit. Reacting to the sudden flinch, I assumed it was bold of me to do so and it scared you. But looking straight at you, pink tints were found on the side of the cheeks. It was light and definitely cute.
“F-fuck” he faced me with eyebrows creased and hesitated in replying. It was so short and awkward whenever he’d say it or maybe it’s also due to his stuttering. The thought was so out of the place and even I, who is quite free doesn’t curse in front of the teacher for no reason so why would someone who tries to stay low, would curse? But the way you told me the “forbidden” word made me laugh out loud.
“You’re funny, Mr. class president” I replied after a silent 2 minutes and laughed while hitting him lightly. Little amounts of liquids were falling down my deep brown eyes as I tried to regain my breathing. He’s awkward and that’s what makes it funny. I like him.
I wiped off my tears and stared at you. My laughs slowly died down after seeing your confusing expression. I don’t know whether your eyes held a safe haven or a place I was indulged in and forgot about the point that everything was complicated in between. Whether staring at you was comfortable or confusing. All I know is that I was distracted by the genuine smile you gave. It was little but I knew it was a smile after seeing cute dimples on the side of your lips. Now that I think of it, I haven’t ever seen the president smile.
You noticed my pause and coughed, trying to clear out the tension. The usual demeanor was back. Was everything just an illusion then?
“Anyways, I don’t know about you but I’m gonna have to go. Don’t want stay here standing when time’s already up” you lazily said as you pressed your lips together, leaving me speechless all alone. Raising your hand, you waved back at me while walking away and didn’t even take time to look back.
That was weird. Or was I the only one weird? True, I’ve never seen him around that much but I’ve painted the guy as someone responsible considering the works he finished even after given such a small time. He was indeed open-minded but wasn’t out-spoken or friendly. Work is work and he has to make sure he aces his tests for his reputation to not tarnish even one bit, that’s all that matters to him. He was never used to smiling so he doesn’t do it as much, at least that’s what I’ve heard. I’m guessing it must be my imagination.
  /LUNCHTIME/
  Guess what? It’s already lunchtime and I haven’t learned a single bit of information from my teacher’s discussion. Shrugging all my homework, projects, quizzes, oral recitations, and performances that are all due this afternoon, I walked out of the classroom.
But before I did so, I found a familiar guy in my peripheral vision. Trying to confirm whether it was him, I turned and called his name out.
“Mr. president?”
The same awkward and serious guy turned around, raising his right brow. You were confused at first about who would call you with no respect, but hummed in surprise as a response.
“It’s Han for you... and for everyone” trying to continue the work you’ve been doing for our school camp which is totally several months later. What’s the rush?
“Drop the formalities! Besides, I like Mr. president way better.” I smiled and tilted my head then flipped my hair. I was a whole smug for thinking my naming sense was the best thing about me.
“Like, like?”
The same vibe always comes up whenever I’m talking to you and I don’t know why. How is it so hard to interact with smart ones? I feel like their language is different and I couldn’t even comprehend what this guy is trying to say.
“like?”
“You like mr. president. That’s what you said”
And that’s how it struck me. Looking back on everything, it seems pretty weird. (I like Mr. President way better) rings all throughout my head. I know he’s been surrounded by girls who have a crush on him but surely he doesn’t think of this as a low-key confession, right?
Please, I didn’t deserve any of this awkward tension. I did walk up to him first but blame my curiosity for wondering what he’s doing in his free time, does he always go to the library whenever, or what do the lifestyle elites like him actually have? Maybe, I did just want a friend but who knew it would be this complicated. Wrong choice.
“The names you provide for people are so dull” you faked a yawn to show how uninterested you are.
I laughed out and tried to hide the embarrassment I’ve felt inside. He meant the name of course! What was I thinking? He quickly got up and proceeded to leave the classroom as if he understood what I wanted to do. He catches up with things fast if I must say. But the feeling didn’t subside in me and I tried to cover up my face with my hands as soon as he left. Heaving a deep sigh, I reassured myself and followed him.
  -CAFETERIA-
  “This is all they’ve got?”
It’s been a second we’ve entered the school cafeteria and yet this elite beside me was already complaining. We sat down on the white benches and I was also relieved the cafeteria doesn’t have many students since our class ended earlier than the desired time.
“You’ll get used to it. Besides, what do you commonly eat for lunch? This is good.” I replied and waited for a response that never came back. I’m thinking it was a wall I’m talking to. You ate the soup and showed a face of disgust. Of course, I don’t give up.
“Do you have different cafeterias?” “Or do you eat in your respective rooms?” “Do you actually eat? cause you looked really busy with the requirements.” “Being a class president is that hard huh? I don’t think I’ve seen anyone as hard-working as you even if they have high titles.” “You know if I was the class-“
“Why do you ask so many questions? Geez” you swept your hair and sighed. You felt tired talking to someone as chatty as me but all I could do is playfully pout and raise both my eyebrows up. Shrugging, I respond.
“Why not?”
You glared at me but I wasn’t taken aback by it so you decided to reply, finally. “The real question is, why?” you tried to peacefully eat and finished it quickly so you could go to the library, I suppose. It was going smoothly until my small brain with low grammar or structure skills decided to pop up the least moment I wanted it to.
  “Because I’m interested in you.”
  Choking was all I could hear after I simply stated. Panicking, I gave you my water unknowingly and you drank it. I patted your back and stroked it gently.
“You okay?” I tried to calm you down but your face seemed to ask me whether you were okay even after everything was obvious.
“You mean you’d like to know about my lifestyle?” You analyzed my reaction as I tilted my head. I mean isn’t that clear? Your eyes seemed like you got the hang of me again and scoffed, rolling your eyes. Wow! Now, what’s up with this attitude?
“It’s common. Just some random New York steak.” My eyes widened and my ears couldn’t believe what they’re hearing. That’s common? Gosh, even my monthly allowance couldn’t afford to buy a whole steak, what more if it was specifically in New York? And the way he didn’t bother to flex about his lunchtime food and acts as if it’s unimportant.
“Enough about me, how about you?” I believe you were trying to ask for the sake of the conversation but it excites me anyway. I mean, an elite asking me about my life? It boosts my pride, internally laughing as I thought of the idea.
“What do you want to know about me?” Grinning, I eagerly waited for the question. How blessed I am to have an upper-class student to not just interact, but ask about me as well.
“What happened between you and Bang Chan?”
I’m taking it all back. I don’t want to hear any questions. I was wrong. By Bang Chan, I knew straight away he was referring to Chris. The mentioned ex became an elite, or so I heard. I don’t know how, why, or when but that’s the only reason possible for him to know there was a thing between us. But unlike me, Mr. President wants to make sure of everything and not just the rumors he had heard.
“No.” I simply stated and continued to eat.
“Why not?”
“I should be the one asking you why”
“Because I’m interested in you”
I paused and was slightly surprised by the sudden declaration. Okay, my way of telling him made me look crazy. I looked up to him and saw a pair of teasing eyes. This is who mr. president is? Now it was my time to roll my eyes and I knew at that moment I had no escape.
“Exes. We’re exes.” I expected a startled expression from you but your lips curled downwards as if you expected it. How was it hard to read this guy’s mind though he immediately catches up on everything I’m feeling?
Days passed by and as usual, I was the one annoying you. At that very time, we became close because I knew you were a comfortable place for me to be in. You don’t judge unlike what others do each time I open up my problems especially when it comes to my relationship with an elite and Christopher, out of all. For sure, you were the right choice of friend I never knew I needed to rely on.
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4
[YOUR JOURNAL]
  Just a few days passed by and I hear lots of students whispering. What’s the occasion? I don’t even know myself yet I’ve brought a ring that matches mine. I’m naive but I always trust my instincts no matter what. As I try to recall the date and puts everything together in one piece from all the clues I’ve gotten.
A familiar man appeared in my sight. But he wasn’t mr. president. He was looking at me and I continued to look at those deep brown eyes I’ve longed to see after a long time. Was I prepared? No. Did I want to see him? I’m not sure so myself. But did I actually like that view? Indeed. My very first heartbreak or hiatus came back after months and to see he felt the same way I did. Did the moment I waited for all of my life would finally happen?
Each step you take, the more my anxiety rushes through me. I felt the shivers either because I was scared or it was the tears I’ve forced to stop from rolling down my cheeks. Or simply both, ignoring the fact that I was hurt yet I did want to see you after all. I wanted to walk away, but if I did then I’m making the same mistake twice. Therefore I stood still silent and only my heartbeat is the loudest out of all.
Closing my eyes, I expected strong grips around my wrist which marks it deep red because anger was the only thing present in the space between us. I didn’t take consideration of the things you’ve gone through but instead became selfish just because I’ve moved on from the past. I did tell you I would wait for you forever but all I gave you was the pressure of making you choose decisions at times you were having a hard time. Just because you made me learn the definition of love, doesn’t mean I could anticipate that you felt the same thing.
Quite on the contrary, I’ve felt warmth and comfort. The grip was truly strong, strong enough to hurt me emotionally and not physically unlike what I expected. The grip I’ve felt was hanging around me, a hug was given to me even when I didn’t deserve this.
“I’m sorry” that was what I’ve heard in the muffled and low volume of voice the man had spoken because he was on the verge of tears. I was supposed to be the one asking for an apology, yet this guy took it to heart once again. Typical Christopher.
“I missed you. I’ve realized I can’t do things without you. It’s been hard..” Your sentence cut the uncertainty I’ve felt. It came, he came. I cried my heart out after not breathing for a second. It would finally work out, after months of trying to ask for support from other people, you entered my life once again. And better? You loved me.
It was your graduation, and I’m glad to be there just like what we dreamed it to be. You may have left, but our romance never stopped.
Cliché right? Of course, that never happens in reality. What happens, is the point that we argue every day because of the long-distance relationship that serves as an obstacle in us. We don’t even know whose mistake it is but considering you, you’ve always been the one who let your pride down and ask for forgiveness. There are times it’s also been me because I realized that this guy doesn’t deserve more burdens in his life. Support is everything I could give.
“Everything working out?” I was astounded by the call Hanji decided to initiate first. He’s always been there for me when I had it rough. He cares for me though he doesn’t show it as much.
“I don’t know. I’ve rarely been receiving texts but he made sure to call me anytime soon. We’ve both been fighting against this. Thanks by the way” You sighed after I finished my sentence. I hoped my exhaustion wasn’t able to reach you but you knew straight away.
“What do you see in him? He is talented and ideal but do you think you both match up?“
It was good he called but hitting it directly at me and doubts our relationship? That’s what triggered and ticked me off. “I told you not to talk about this.” I firmly uttered.
“He doesn’t get the way you act, talk or even feel”
“I’m sorry? What do you mean by that?” It’s rare to see us quarrel because you didn’t want to reach that point and yet it’s you trying to get all complicated once again. Here I thought I got the hang of how you think. “He understands me more than anyone.”
“If he does then why didn’t he call by then?”
“He was busy. I repeated that to you more than thrice throughout the whole call. But if he wasn’t busy then he’d take a grasp of everything.”
“Was he? Because the last time I knew you had a rough day, crying all alone, he didn’t. The time I knew I had to cheer you up, he didn’t. The time I knew I needed to reassure you that no one’s ever going to leave you but stay by your side, even though you didn’t realize about it, he didn’t.”
3 seconds passed by before my voice was heard in the line.
“What does that have to do with all these?”
“I understand you but the guy you wanted to be with, doesn’t”
That was it, the final blow. Both were concerning, the whole sentence is. Starting from the conclusion you understood me up until the thought of me wanting a guy who doesn’t pick me up the way I assume couples needed. We had a relationship with Chris, but was it called a relationship with lots of things in between?
“I’m sorry. Slipped out. I was just irritated.” It was a first for you to apologize but my mind wandered to the part where you compared yourself to Christopher.
“What do you mean by you understanding me when he doesn’t?”
“I mean... If I did understand you, then I’m pretty sure a lot more boys out there would be a better match and would recognize your desire. They would be able to take care of you. You know I’m just.. worried.”
If it was the usual vibe, I would’ve laughed at that lame excuse. But thinking back, it’s hard for me to perceive the way you feel about me. I’ve heard rumors but ended up being nonchalant about it because mr. president having feelings? I chose to believe it wasn’t real especially when I’m already facing a hard time.
“good night.” You continued after the short silence. It was now you who was starting to get exhausted. You cut off the line quickly before I could even reply. Was the relationship between me and Chris wasn’t able to follow up fate? How innocent of me to think that true love comes so easily.
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5
  Days turned to months and I lost count of the weeks Chris has been gone by my side. He had never failed to text compared in the past, but I still yearned for his affection.
He seemed excited on the phone today and unknowingly called me 5 times and now a 6-
“Christopher, aren’t you busy?” I giggled as I heard him laugh. It made my day and filled up the void in me that was created because of the thought he isn’t able to be with me on my graduation day.
“I have duties... as your boyfriend” I playfully rolled my eyes without expecting a turn of events.
It was my final day in school and to think that I have to spend it alone because I had no friends, awful. Chris made my day though, so I wanted to enjoy it to the fullest. But the feeling of not seeing Hanji anymore still lingered in my mind. It was harsh but I had to accept it. We didn’t talk that much but undoubtedly, he was a good friend in times I need him.
Whilst looking around the stalls in the halls, I found him. He was talking to a guy seemingly the same age as ours and he looked so happy. But as his eyes met mines, was it just me, or did it die down? Maybe he doesn’t want to see me after all? His eyes traveled back to the sushi he ordered but sighed as I ran up to him.
“Mr. president?” The happy and annoying tone of calling him wasn’t present anymore. It was gloomy, hesitating if I should bother his hours or time. “Did I do something?”  What happened to our closure? it flees away.
I saw you in the process of trying to smile a little and just hummed to let me know nothing’s wrong. But everything is. You ignored me and walked up to the classroom. I followed you, as I always do. I decided to speak up but you cut me off.
“I’m sorry if I did-“
  “Are you still interested in me?”
  You turned around and confronted my small figure. It hurts the way you try to smile in front of me but failed to do so. Usually, you always made me believe what you wanted me to. You’d say you’re fine, you’re happy, you’re not exhausted, but right now? I’m not buying it. I may not be able to read you that much, but you seemed too tired to the point that your magic of convincing me didn’t work.
“Interested..?”
“You said you were interested in how elite ones live. Now that you got the answer and your boyfriend is one, what am I there for?”
“You were there for me-“
  “when he couldn’t be there”
  You were being on and off, getting more complicated as time passes by. You don’t go straight to the point but instead, run circles until I have a hard time contemplating whether I’m the wrong one.
“What are you trying to imply?” I questioned
“I don’t need a quote that says don’t expect something in return”
“Return? After everything, we’ve been through? Our friendship? Was it all just nothing? How doesn’t that benefit you?”
“Because the more I give you your need, why do I have to receive pain instead?” Your voice was shaky and I can see you biting your lip, trying to suppress yourself from falling and breaking. “You wanted to know me because you were curious about my life. Now that you know of it, what do you want from me?”
“What do you mean what do I want? I want nothing from you. The bond that we’re tied in is enough for “
“Then who am I to you?”
“I told you, a friend.”
“My purpose in your life?”
“Lifting me up whenever I feel....down”
“So did you recognize how that sound like to you?”
Among both of us, I broke down first. Why am I being the one treated like the villain in this story taking advantage of people around me? Why am I the perceived the evil being in our friendship? Why does he want to make me feel guilty? I didn’t even know what the problem is yet, but I was already the bad one here. Call me clueless, but I couldn’t be blamed for something I don’t even know about. Quiet sobs filled in the silence and I could feel your sympathy filling the empty room.
“If ever..” in a low volume, you decided to speak “Why do you want to spend more time with me?” I looked up to you and wiped away all my tears if that’s possible.
A reason, that’s all I need to prove but no suggestions came up to my mind. Recollecting tragedies, was I the one who didn’t bother calling you when you didn’t do the same to me? Why didn’t I? You didn’t even pass my mind one single time in the past days. So why didn’t that happen? I appreciated him but when did things gradually just..stop?
Tears fell down yours as well but you didn’t want me to look at you in the eye. “You were supposed to say for more memories, you know? Like because I actually made you happy so you wanted me to appreciate our moments. Believe it or not, that’s what they say” you laughed to lift the air but I was still left dumbfounded after everything. How terrible of me, that thought echoes repeatedly.
Hours passed by and I wasn’t feeling it. The sun turned gloomy, the loud cheer of students turned to noise, the sky turned monochrome and the atmosphere turned dull. All I could do was ask Chris regarding it. All he could say is that he appreciated how Hanji backed off and didn’t want to complicate things more by telling me. Understanding none of it, what does he mean by didn’t want to complicate things more when our quarrel was? Wow, I really am this hopeless. Slow and unaware.
I was lost in thought that I late realized how I could hear vehicles in Chris as he was on call. Was he lying then? He mentioned he was staying in but why are there noises and people chattering? I was baffled hearing one of the familiar voices behind. One seemed to be the same as my classmate.
“Where are you? I thought you said you were in your home?”
  “I am home.”
  Clichè as it seemed, It all felt like a slow-motion in a fast-paced sequence of events. Firstly you were just talking to me but at the next second, you were personally doing it.
Holding your phone, I finally found the guy I’ve seen and lost on the same day in the past. But now? He’s here. Promising me that he won’t leave ever again. I knew I could trust these words no matter how repetitive they're going to be. Once you tell me it, I just know you’d be by my side no matter what until the end of the world.
You were looking the same as I remembered in the past and it’s played out like deja vu. You walking up to me and giving me a whole hug of comfort, as I cried in your arms.
“How about your-“
“I don’t want you to worry about it. I’ve chosen myself, with no additional pressure, to live with you.” You stroked my hair and patted my back.
“Live with me?”
“Don’t you want to?” I was delighted and surprised by the sudden decision. I wasn’t given enough time to think about it, not that I needed time anyway. I would always choose you over anything else.
It was the event and yes, I graduated with my boyfriend cheering me on and allowed me to soar high and fly, to start a new beginning.
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6
[HAN POV]
  It was good seeing you happy. Even if it was Bang Chan, I’m sure he is the only man that can make you smile like that.
But indeed, I was hurt. I was a book you wanted to read but as soon as you got ahold of the main idea, everything starts to get boring. Usually, you would never fail to not make me annoyed each day because as you always say, I cross your mind every time. When you were indulged in your relationship, I was forgotten.
It was all my mistake and you don’t have to feel guilty about it. I may not have any expectations of you loving me, but I had hopes and that’s what made me receive pain. If I hadn’t hoped you would be with me, hoping you forgot about him, hoped you could see I am just here waiting, hoped you could realize I can treat you better, then both of us wouldn’t get hurt. It’s my fault and I’m held accountable to live in regrets.
But even for a split second, I am happy that I am capable of distracting your worries and making your day better. I wasn’t thinking well in the argument a while ago but I did get the benefit. Seeing you happy, makes me happy. So letting you go is the best choice for both of us to receive joy. Scratch that, I don’t have the right to tell you I would let you go.
  Because I never stood a chance did I?
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7
[YOUR JOURNAL]
  After graduating, I moved in with Christopher. He let me listen to some of the tracks he had created to stop me from bothering him all day.
The music he had composed was nothing personal and was based on people from different perspectives. I had never felt the same experience as well but something about the way he writes and produces brought me to tears. The pain and emptiness inside were well shown in the midst of harmonies. He was also a genius writer with well-structured sentences and livens up feelings in the words to make the listener feel as if he or she was the one narrating it. His father is a musician, but to think he would be able to express that much in songs just shows how deeply connected he is with music. He wasn’t motivated because he tries to stop himself from being like his father but it was a pity for him to stop something he is incredibly good at.
“You’re really something Christopher! Do you know that?” I hugged him from behind and heard his little laughs. “I think I’ve fallen for you all over again. But honestly, I knew you’d write and produce this good” I wore on a smug look as he asked while giggling because of the face I’m giving.
“How?”
“How about calling it an intuition from an expert music lover?” You playfully rolled your eyes in my response because you expected something more detailed. You urged me to explain it to you so you’d knew my opinion about the music and so I did.
“Your words are beautiful that it makes me believe anything you’ll say, Christopher” I smiled and kissed your cheek. I rested my head near your neck as we were sat on the bed, facing each other.
It was true. You made me feel different feelings and opened up a new perspective to move on from my past. You influenced me a variety of changing thoughts. I don’t like the idea of losing myself to someone because it forgets the real me. I don’t like the concept of being crazy in love with people because it doesn’t feel sweet somehow whenever the risk of it being one-sided and unable to move on is present. Not realizing that whenever the talk comes about you, it feels heavenly. I don’t know who I would be if I wasn’t yours but it all feels enchanting. Although you made me insecure, at the same time you made me laugh throughout the day. You were a gold rush. Perfect and gentle, to think that someone like me got you is like winning once in my entire life. Luck is rare but fate was there. By fate, it turned out you were destined to meet me and get me out of the hell hole, no one tried to do. By fate, it means I will love you and will forever do. By fate, we’ll stand strong and fight the cracks alongside our journey.
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8
[CHRIS POV]
  You wouldn’t take a no for an answer when I was asked to create more songs. A single shed of tear from listening to my music encouraged you to push more song requests unto me. Make-me-a-song was all I could remember hearing from you.
I remember you publishing one of my songs and I was accepted by it. You were jumping up and down as I was worried about its outcome. I was starting to get known, that was also the beginning of how the unforgivable musician started to forget about the important ones in his life. It was as if the result would be dragging my only light into my darkness. I don’t want to be a musician and yet, here I am composing more songs even if I knew what was coming soon.
I’ve started with light romance that I think you’ll enjoy but seeing you look so happy with just a simple work of mine, gave me that motivation I least wanted to have. And like a recorded cd, everything was played the exact same way in different men. I hated it but it was truly like father, like son.
I continued to write songs with deeper ones but as I got the recognition all the more, I produced as if I was possessed. I was indulged in the way words can be conveyed differently and ideas, stories, and theories were constantly overflowing my mind. I was wrapped up in music and I hated myself for it. Even though I despised the process, I couldn’t help but continuously write. All of my pent-up feelings in the past years were expressed in my songs, making me create heavy tracks and don’t run out of stories to tell. The man I’ve been hiding and was traumatized from came back and it’s as if he mocks me that we are on the same page after all. I felt myself sinking and sinking despite you telling me that I am not like my father because I made you feel the definition of love. I was trapped in a room with no escape that relates whenever I had started making music, I couldn’t get out of it. I wasn’t forced but this drive is what makes me continue because I feel like I’m creating a new genre that makes people deeply appreciate and maybe understand what I’ve been going through.
4 years came by but it felt like days in my studio.
“Chris, are you sure you’re fine? Get enough rest okay?” the young girl called me but I was busy finalizing the song.
“Yes, thank you,” I replied shortly after your question. I wasn’t paying much attention so I didn’t know the accurate response for it.
“Anyways, what’s that ab-“
“I’m working on music that’s going to be showcased and submitted to the famous JYP company later. It is really important so I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t distract me by asking so many questions. Come by later, we’ll talk about it then.” I looked at my watch on my right arm and noticed how I still got a few hours left before attending the ceremony. The albums will be released soon after but I have to submit another title track.
I was busy with all the scheduled dates and songs that I hadn’t realized
  she wasn’t smiling anymore.
  “Mr. Bang Chan?” hours came by and truly the CEO came. We have a friendly bond and he gives me advice so it’s casual for him to call on me. I hurried up to the door and went to the car.
“Why didn’t you invite her to the big event?” The CEO of the company asked me to start up a conversation. He crossed his hands and tapped his fingers as if he thought of something so deep and significant because he was getting impatient.
“It’s a big hassle. She isn’t good and comfortable in interacting with people she doesn’t know” I simply stated and smiled for respect.
“I don’t interfere or meddle in the personal affairs or lives of others but I hope you aren’t neglecting her because of this, are you?”
“She will understand” I looked up to the car window and stared at the illuminating lights from buildings. I know you took a lot of time waiting for me, but please don’t give up and let me finish this song about you. By then, our Disney-like dreams would finally come true and I swear I’ll make you even happier.
  I held a box of ring in my pocket. I’ll make you happy, just hang a bit in there okay?
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9
[YOUR POV]
  The CEO told me about the new album he’s been working on. It was about his first love. It would be no other than me, right?
I went up to his room and read the paper scattered alongside his desk. There were lots but I decided to read the one that I assumed was already done. It was near the porch and I understood how he wanted to compose in front of the moon.
  The moon shone brightly that night
 but I realized that wasn’t my source of light
You look lovely
as the smiles you beamed lasted an eternity
I was persuaded and lost in thought
unknowingly, my heart was caught
Because even under the moon, you’ve shone the brightest
and cleared my problems at most
Even under where light lies,
 I was indulged deep in your eyes
Even when it illuminates through the void,
a different view is what I’ve enjoyed
Because even if their minds were fixated on the scene,
looking at you felt more serene
  I stopped reading the paper and placed it back on the desk.
  “That can’t be me..” I thought.
  Starting from the mentioned smiles, how could that be me? You stated you enjoyed looking at me, but I felt like I was invisible whenever you compose songs. Did you make songs while thinking of me? I don’t think so. You should’ve known that you were dragging me along with your darkest nights. I wasn’t even your light anymore, it died down. I was overshadowed by your passion or the one you’re talking about in this script. Can I still make you happy? No. Am I still happy? No. The whole lyrics proves how you didn’t even take a single glance at me right now. Because if you did care, you would've known I changed because you did. I changed because the person I was relying upon, didn’t find motivation in me. We started together but it lost while it progresses just like how you started music because of me but lost my figure in your sight along the way. It was reality, I was being forgotten. When I was alone crying, where were you? I know you don’t understand me quite well but I was the whole climate. I changed for seasons unlike in the past where it was mild swings. Because you know what hurts the most? Not the fact that I waited and kept waiting as I am already used to that and no matter how many years it may take, I’ll always wait for you. But it’s all because everything went back. You picked me up from the trauma and showed how love is but it’s as if my past resurfaced from the waters and told me how tragedies would always stay the same. That I would always end up this way no matter who I’m faced to. I felt guilty for slightly regretting that I praised your songs. Indeed you were meant to be connected with music and it’s your passion. I’m happy that I was able to show it to you but wouldn’t these happen if I didn’t start it all? I was wrong. I thought it made you happy but no. None of these made us happy. Your pieces of music weren’t to blame, I shouldn’t be blamed and neither were you. Where did everything go wrong? I don’t know, it just started to fall off. These lyrics were deeply engraved in my mind. You seemed so in love when I wasn’t able to show you what love is. If it was a person, she must’ve been so kind and understanding. She must’ve been someone who understood your secrets and feelings. And me? I couldn’t still get to you. I’m confused about what’s best for you or what you wanted all along. I don’t recognize the woman you’re writing about. Either it was the past me or someone new. Chris,
  who is it that you’re in love with?
  Cold air rushed through my skin as I closed my eyes and inhaled the scent of calm air. It wasn’t possible but it was enough to make me feel calm. I still appreciated our moments but I feel like I can’t wait anymore, Chris. It’s not because I’m tired but because I feel like you’ll be better without me. I hate the idea of me regretting I showed you your passion. I’ll be nothing but a whole burden. You’ll meet someone better who recognizes your life and by then she’ll be a brave one who can communicate with you. You’ll find someone new, or you already did. If anything, happiness is all I need in the end, at least at the ends of the world. It did happen. I was happy because the next thing I’ll do will be the bravest thing I had ever done after all my cowardly decisions in life, and it’s all because of you.
I stood up at the top of the porch and imagined a vivid scenery. It was you kneeling down to someone new. She did accept it and you were celebrating. Tears ran down my cheeks but was I smiling? Yes, it was indeed happiness seeing you take a break from the pressure and realize you needed to receive joy. I wasn’t able to give it to you but to think someone else would, contrasted the happiness and pain. “It’s time to let go” I opened my eyes slowly as I thought and saw the moonlight. I snapped out of my thoughts and cleared out my head. Because no matter what happened in between us, you crossed my mind in a second. And that’s when I knew, I still loved you despite the bittersweet rain.
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10
[CHRIS POV]
  I heard sirens in front of the place that doesn’t feel like home anymore. Why? I heard how young and innocent the girl was and it was a pity to see her leave. It was a shock for me to the point that I hadn’t shed a single tear. Empty, hollow. It was all I could feel at the moment. Was she gone? Did she conclude to leave her out of my life?
Paper. That’s all I’ve seen on the desk. It’s prohibited to enter but I couldn’t believe what I’m seeing. The paper was crumpled and I believed you took the time to read this. Was my perspective wrong about you? Wasn’t this about you? I read the paper without further thinking and realized how I painted her as an angel. She is human, she was a human. Yet I’ve acted as if she was happy all the time, trying to save me from being a mess. Did I take a look back at her? No, instead I assumed too quickly. But what could that change? I was late and you’ve already given up. I was this close to preventing this but because I was so into writing a song made for you, I had forgotten the purpose to the point that it doesn’t seem like you anymore. Can I turn back time? If only I could. I needed to feel your warmth, I needed to see you one last time. I need you.
“Excuse me, do you know the victim?” A man from the authorities asked.
“Yes.”
Mixed emotions were vivid. I felt guilty but hoped you were happy in your last breath. The context of mines was complicated and I didn’t even notice it before. I abandoned to treat, as what I comprehend. Miscommunication rode the tides but it was undoubtedly true when I started to ignore people that surround me. I want to focus on you without realizing I left you. Is that even possible? It is now that I’ve seen it. Just like CDs, everything was played out in deja vu. People were different but things were just the same. It was how I became just like the person I despised all my life. But I did it for a reason, it’s not like I forgot about you. I just didn’t think how your feelings are right now but pursuing this song, is how I still remembered every bit of you. Would the ring I held on be given if I arrived earlier? No, I should’ve realized. I should’ve loved and made you feel how important you were to me in the days back then. In times you felt a hole in your chest, I should’ve been there to feel it up with love. I should’ve been there when you felt insecure. I should’ve been there when you felt all alone. But no matter how much I hurt myself, tear myself apart, it all ends with “I should’ve.” I’m sorry I couldn’t show you what I wanted to. I’m sorry I couldn’t love you until the very end.
I continued explaining to the man, 
  “She was my fiancée”
would you love me if I let go?
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