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avengerscompound · 4 years

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Running to a Standstill - 18

Running to a Standstill: A Captain America Fanfic

Masterlist PREVIOUS //

Buy me a ☕ Character Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Steve Rogers x F!Reader

Word Count: 2893

Rating: E

Warnings: Smut (mmf bisexual threesome, oral sex, vaginal sex, anal sex)

Synopsis: While on the run from an unknown organization trying to take your son, you meet two super-soldiers. While they try to help you get to the bottom of who is hunting you and your son, feelings come out and admissions are made that make your personal life even more tricky.

Epilogue

Your feet hurt a little and you were hungry to the point that you were considering just tearing a piece off the sourdough loaf you’d bought, and eating it plain before you even finished your ride up in the elevator. Even with these minor discomforts, you felt really good. You had just ventured out to the nearest bodega alone for the first time since moving to the Tower.

It had been eight months since the raid on Madripoor and while everyone had doubts that HYDRA was gone for good the new rightful ruler of Madripoor was pretty thorough with cleaning the NAZI organization out of their nation. Not for any particular need to clear out all criminal organizations mind you, just to clear out the one creating the most competition. Madripoor was for all accounts, still lawless.

All the people involved in the production and distribution of the super-soldier drug had been arrested. You had hopes that the drug might end up virtually extinct the way the Quaalude was now. However, you logically knew someone who still had them would try and replicate them. Given the fact that the drugs existed in the first place because someone was trying to replicate what they’d done to Steve way back in 1943.

What you’d stopped being worried about was them bothering you anymore. The Avengers, thanks to Tony, Vision, FRIDAY, and with a little help from Geo, had managed to remove any details regarding the names of people who were experimented on. Which meant there was no one left to know that Geo had powers and no one left to hunt you. You were safe and you could finally have some semblance of a normal life.

It had taken you a while for any of you to trust that. For a month you still didn’t want to go out at all just in case there was some kind of retaliation or last-ditch effort to grab you. When you finally did it was with Bucky and a group of guards. Gradually the guards dropped in number. When all the HYDRA members were convicted you started to go out with just Bucky and every time you went out, there was no one watching you that shouldn’t be. No one followed you or made you feel unsafe. Sure, Bucky would get looks but you could tell the difference between Avengers groupies and the people who had been trying to kidnap your son.

Today was the first time you’d ventured out alone. It was only down the street and you still weren’t brave enough to take Geo out without at least Bucky or Steve with you, but it was a start. You’d only looked over your shoulder a few times. You’d done this alone for years, you knew what to look out for and it wasn’t there. You were safe.

More than safe, you were happy. With all that weight off your shoulders, you were able to just enjoy life again. Every part of it. Being a mother wasn’t just a case of protection and high alert twenty-four/seven. You played with Geo more. You let your guard down and let him get on with the job of being a kid. You started to look back into the things you had studied in college and were seriously beginning to consider studying again so you might be able to have an actual career and not just a cash-under-the-table job that paid your bills but kept you off the books. You were looking at schools for Geo. You were letting yourself be a girlfriend and opening yourself up to the fact that this could be it. You might have actually found two people that were your people the same way your husband had been.

The apartment was alive with sound and smells as you stepped in. Bucky was cooking, he’d just started when you’d ducked down to the bodega for a couple of missing ingredients and now the whole place was full of the scent of garlic, herbs, and cooking tomato. Music was playing over the speaker and Geo seemed to be talking animatedly with the AI as the two of them played some digital version of snap using his tablet. Steve sat with a sketchbook on his knee. There were crayons scattered over the table from when he’d been drawing with Geo but now he was just sitting with his pencil poised but not actually drawing anything.

“He looked up when you came in and smiled. “Hey, sweetheart. How did you go?”

“Good,” you said, as Bucky abandoned whatever it was he was stirring and rushed over to you. “Got a little jumpy at the alleys but there was nothing to worry about.”

“Did you get what I needed?” Bucky asked, digging around your fabric bag while it still hung from your elbow and fishing out items as he found them.

“Yes, honey,” you said, pushing the whole bag into his hands. “Here take it.”

Bucky took the bag and you went to sit down with Steve and Geo. Steve took your hand as you went to pass him, and you let him pull you down into his lap. “I’m proud of you,” he whispered.

“It wasn’t that big of a deal,” you said. “I used to go out on my own all the time when I was on the run. I didn’t have a lot of other choices.”

Steve’s arm circled your waist and he nosed at the side of your neck. “I know. Still. I’m glad you're starting to feel safe.”

You relaxed in his lap and Geo climbed up onto you. You did feel safe. And loved. And all the things you had missed for three years. Despite the fact you had been trying to go slow for Geo’s sake, it was hard when you felt like this with them. It was clear that Geo was feeling just as safe and at home as you were.

When he was very upset he was still the mommy’s boy he’d always been, but more and more he was turning to Steve and Bucky. Not just when he wanted to be comforted. He did it when he was excited about something, or wanted to play a game, or have a story told to him. He’d ask them to take him out or take him up to the pool. As scary as it was for you to see Geo starting to treat these two men the way he would have his own father, as melancholy as that hit, it was still happening. Geo now had two father figures where he once had none.

Even though neither had said anything about it, you could tell they were seeing Geo as a son too. This was your family now and some moments terrified you, but mostly you couldn’t believe how lucky you were. There were days where you thanked whatever force it was that had led you to not only apply for a lease in Clint Barton’s apartment block but to begin dog sitting for him so that you just happened to be dropping Lucky off at the same time Steve and Bucky were there.

Bucky called you all for dinner and you ate around a table sharing stories about your day and making plans for the following day. Just like a family on an old sitcom, only with extra dads and you all genuinely liked each other.

After dinner you gave Geo his bath and took him to bed, reading to him from a comic about Figment the dragon from that old Disney ride at Epcot. It was a comic that Bucky owned for some reason which was odd because he would have been in cryo freeze during the entire time that ride even existed, yet he had it none-the-less. Geo spent a lot of time looking at each picture so that the thin comic that would normally only take five minutes to get through was being dragged out so it was closer to twenty.

“Bug-key sayed dat dis dwagons was a robod,” Geo said, tapping the cover when you were done reading.

You chuckled. “It was, and it’s weird he even knows that,” you confirmed. “The robot dragon is gone now. We can take you to Disney World some time, then you can see all the different robots. I don’t think any of them will be as smart as FRIDAY though.”

“No…” Geo said, shaking his head. “FWIDAY is da smartest.”

“Thank you, Geo,” FRIDAY replied, the fondness of the little boy evident in her voice.

“Alright, you,” you said, putting the comic away. “Lie down. Time to sleep.”

He flopped back onto the pillow and you kissed his forehead. “Good night, I love you,” you said.

“Wuv you too, mommy,” he replied. “Have sweed dreams.”

“You too, little one.”

“Mommy,” he said as you got up. “I dotta say goodnight to Bug-key and Steeb.”

You chuckled. “I’ll send them in.”

You stepped out of the bedroom to find Bucky and Steve sharing the recliner as they watched the news. “He wants to say goodnight to both of you too.”

“We can manage that,” Steve said as they both got up.

Bucky and Steve went into Geo’s room as you went and got ready for bed too. It was still early but you figured whatever the plans were for tonight, they’d be more enjoyable in your pajamas. When you came out into the bedroom you shared with Bucky and Steve, they were there getting undressed.

“He didn’t cause you any trouble?” You asked.

“No. He just said goodnight and had FRIDAY turn out the lights,” Steve answered.

“I like when I’m here to say goodnight to him,” Bucky added. “He’s so funny how he wishes you sweet dreams too.”

“Yeah, we can use them,” Steve added.

“Speaking of,” you said and looked over at Steve. Lately, when you and Steve had been alone, you’d started talking about Bucky moving in. He was here a lot anyway and the times he wasn’t it felt like he was missing. The three of you still took time to enjoy each other one-on-one, but now you were all happier and more relaxed when it was the three of you.

Bucky froze in the process of stepping out of his jeans and stared at you like a deer in headlights. “What? What did I do?”

“Nothing, Buck,” Steve chuckled. “We were wondering… hoping really, that you’d move in here with us.”

“What? Really?” Bucky said, standing up straight and looking between the two of you.

“Yeah. You don’t have to decide right now…” Steve said.

“No, I want to,” Bucky said, lurching forward, completely forgetting he was still in his jeans and falling flat on his face.

“Bucky!” You yelped, rushing to his side and helping him back up, while Steve watched on with a slightly bemused look on his face.

“I’m okay. I’m good,” Bucky assured you as he got back up and kicked off his pants. “I want to move in. When?”

“Whenever you like,” Steve said. “We can bring your stuff down tomorrow if you like.”

“I do like,” Bucky said. He pulled you close and cradled your face. “Yes, I want to.” He leaned in and kissed you deeply. As the two of you kissed, Bucky reached out to Steve, pulling him closer, so when Bucky pulled back from you, he moved straight to kissing him. You ran your hands down Steve’s chest and nuzzled at Bucky’s neck, nipping at his throat gently.

Bucky pulled back and smirked at you. “You tryin’ to start up some celebrations, huh?”

“Maybe?” You giggled, tugging on his boxers.

“I think that might be something that can be arranged,” Steve teased. He picked you up like you weighed nothing and tossed you onto the bed. You squealed and quickly spread your legs and opened your arms to Bucky as he crawled up your body. He began to unbutton your flannel pajama top and kissed your skin along each new part that became exposed to him. His fingers brushed over your breasts as he pulled the fabric apart and your right nipple, puckered and hardened under the cool metal of his left hand.

Steve took off his boxers and moved up beside you. He leaned in and kissed you. His lips moved slowly against yours and his tongue teased the corner of your mouth. You reached down and massaged his cock. He was already semi-hard and as your palm moved up and down his length and you curled your fingers around his shaft, the blood rushed to it.

Bucky began to grind down against your cunt. You could feel the press of his cock through the fabric of your pants, the thick shaft pushing between your folds and rubbing up and down against your pussy, making your whole body tingle and your cunt start to drip. He leaned down and pulled one of your nipples into his mouth. His teeth pressed against it and you moaned, breaking the kiss with Steve and arching your back so you pushed your breast up into Bucky’s greedy mouth.

Steve moved to his knees, pumping his cock as he looked down at you. You leaned up and lapped over the head as it disappeared and reappeared under the foreskin with each pump of Steve’s hand. He teased the head over your lips and you opened your mouth, letting him guide his cock into your mouth.

As you sucked hard up and down Steve’s shaft, Bucky moved from one breast to the other. His hand slipped down into your pajama pants and he quickly fingered your clit in small circles as he ground his cock against you.

Your whole body buzzed like an electric current was swirling through your veins, making your body thrum. You moaned into Steve’s cock as a hot pit pressed down inside you and your fluids slicked your folds. Bucky pulled back and pulled your pajama pants off. You released Steve’s cock and no sooner had you sat up that Steve was up beside you and pulling you into his lap.

“Mmm… did you want something?” You asked as you straddled his lap and started to grind down on his cock.

Steve cradled your jaw. “I think you know,” he teased. You smirked and leaned in and kissed him deeply. As you dipped your tongue into his mouth, you guided him inside of you.

You both moaned into the kiss and you slowly rolled your hips with his, appreciating the way he stretched and filled you. Bucky got up and grabbed the lube. He moved behind you and kissed your shoulder as he put his hand on Steve’s chest and pushed him back on the bed. You lay down with him, pressing your body against his chest and continuing to bounce on his cock as Bucky lifted Steve’s legs and pushing them up against your sides. He began to apply lube to Steve’s ass, sinking a finger into Steve’s ass.

Steve gasped and bucked up under you. You broke the kiss with Steve and you looked down into his blue eyes. “Feel good, Steve?” You purred.

He groaned and closed his eyes. “Yes. Oh god, yes.”

“You want my cock, Stevie?” Bucky teased.

“Please,” Steve groaned arching his back and forcing his cock up into you deeper.

Bucky took his hand away and slicked his cock. Steve raised his hips needily and as Bucky sunk in Steve groaned and dug his fingers into your hips. You started kissing Steve again and moved with Bucky as he started to thrust. Bucky’s stomach pushed your forward with every snap of his hips, pushing you up and down on Steve’s cock. Steve was breathless and moaning under you both. He reached up and grabbed Bucky’s hand, holding it against your back as the two of you fucked him.

A sheen of sweat began to cling to your skin and your skin prickled. A dull ache built in your cunt, making your walls clench and spasm around Steve’s thick shaft. Steve groaned and his hands opened and closed on your back. You slipped your hand between the two of you and began to finger your clit.

It brought you over. Your orgasm shuddered through you and you moaned loudly. Steve gasped and jerked up under you, coming deep inside your pussy. Bucky kept thrusting. His hand tightened in Steve’s and his hips began to stutter. You kept being bounced forward on Steve’s now softening cock with each thrust of Bucky’s hips. With a groan and a hard thrust, Bucky came.

The three of you slithered into a pile, your breathing coming much more labored than theirs. Bucky rolled on his side and ran his metal fingers down your stomach. “We break you?”

“Mm-hmm…” You hummed. “In the best way.”

“Well we can now do that any time,” he said.

You laughed and pushed him. “Did you forget I have a toddler?”

Bucky hummed and kissed your shoulder.

“Big changes,” Steve said. “It’ll be good though. Us together.”

You smiled and cuddled in between us. He was right. It was a big change. You had been through a lot of change in the last five years, but this was the first one since Geo was born that you felt truly excited about one.

To be continued in Until the End of the World...

#steve rogers #bucky barnes #steve rogers x reader #bucky barnes x reader #stucky #steve rogers x bucky barnes #stucky x reader #steve rogers x reader x bucky barnes #captain america fanfic #fanfic #fanfiction #reader insert

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iicewitch · 4 years

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☕ real boy

a playlist for @stevenrcgers link to playlist: here tracklist and favorite lyrics below

1. blood, sweat and tears - bts Peaches and cream, sweeter than sweet Chocolate cheeks and chocolate wings But your wings are wings of the devil In front of your sweet is bitter bitter 2. brainchild - everything everything A good thing Now you think about it, don't you make it real? The bad thing, maybe it's a feeling I don't want to feel But love is all you need to know But love is all you need to know

3. dumb dumb - red velvet

Like a mannequin Everything is so awkward I should just act like I do normally But whenever I see you, I act so stupid Like my little brother’s robot Everything is so awkward What do I do? I think I’m broken I forgot even how to breathe 4. the zombie song - stephanie mabey And I'd try not to bite and infect you because I'd respect you too much And that's why I'd wait until we got married Oh, and our happiest days would be spent Picking off all your friends and they'd see A love this deep won't stay buried

5. real boy - lola blanc Every time we touch your hands are colder, colder There's no beating coming from your wooden chest Frozen grin, a mannequin When I get closer I can see the strings there underneath your vest 6. who do you want to be ? - oingo boingo Who do you want to be today? Who do you want to be? I think I'll be a teddy boy, I think I'll be a hunk I think I'll be a tough guy and I think I'll be a punk I might just be a fashion star all dressed in frilly rags Or perhaps, I'll cross the other side and walk around in drag! 7. under my skin - jukebox the ghost I can fit two people under my skin Yeah, I can fit two people under my skin And I will prove it if you will listen You crawled up in there, you joined me within I can feel your heart beating under my skin And the beating of your heart is making me bleed from within 8. mr. capgras encounters a secondhand vanity: tulpamancer's prosopagnosia - will wood and the tapeworms Damn, I thought you’re not your imposter. You’re so sure you’re not gonna get caught! Dead in your own skin, but you didn’t choose what you were born in! And another man in your repertoire, ready in your head and fed upon your memoirs Still the same rules apply from the birthday to the mourning What you feel and what you do; are those things really you? And if not, then what is? 9. breaking out - the protomen If you can hear my voice outside these walls (If you can hear me) If you can hear me sending out this message tonight Then break the silence, send a signal back (If you can hear me) I'm coming, all I need is a little guiding light...

10. roaring 20s - panic at the disco Maybe I'm overjoyed, maybe I'm paranoid Designer me up in straight jackets My tell-tale heart's a hammer in my chest Cut me a silk-tied tourniquet This is my roaring, roaring 20's 11. evelyn evelyn - evelyn evelyn We grew up closer than most Closer than anything, closer than anything Shared our bed and wore the same clothes Talked about everything, spoke about so many things 12. looking glass - the birthday massacre A boyish notion of false emotion These words are spoken despite my love A fool's devotion was set in motion My eyes are open now

13. play dead - the birthday massacre Thinking hurts and thoughts don't rhyme To those of us who've never tried To find a face behind our lipstick smiles And as our pretty faces die Our broken hearts will wonder why The makeup just won't hide the scars of time 14. lets fall in love - mother mother There's a game in the world A little bit of cat and mouse With the boys and the girls And if I had to ante up I'd bet on the birds 'Cause they don't have to walk around With the boys and the girls 15. o my heart - mother mother And I pour my heart a new foundation But it don't set hard it just stays shaking And I scratch my name I scratch my name in But it don't set hard it gets mixed back in Oh my heart, it's a fish out of water 16. body - mother mother Take my teeth, tear through my cheeks And take the nose go and dispose Oh would you go dispose, just go dispose 'Cause I've grown tired of this body A cumbersome and heavy body

17. touch up - mother mother I am a makeover queen A swan out of duckling Ugly duckling you're drowning In makeup (in makeup) My makeup (my makeup) Has washed off 18. roman holiday - nicki minaj Take your medication, Roman Take a short vacation, Roman, you'll be okay You need to know your station, Roman Some alterations on your clothes and your brain

19. replicant - they might be giants You've got his eyes Same exact smile All that he has All this will be yours 20. happy days - GHOST Oh, it’s painful My heart is quite a mouthful I’ll tear it out for you I’ll be the sacrifice for you Y’know, things could go exactly how you want it I’d be exactly how you want me Use what’s left of my soiled personality I’m all yours, I’ll do anything 21. girls on film - duran duran 'Cause the crowd all love pulling dolly by the hair By the hair And she wonders how she ever got here As she goes under again Girls on film (two minutes later) Girls on film Girls on film (got your picture) Girls on film 22. nobody - mitski And I know no one will save me I'm just asking for a kiss Give me one good movie kiss And I'll be alright Nobody, nobody, nobody

23. TT - twice I feel like crying, I don’t feel like myself This isn’t like me at all I love you so much Think I’m all grown up now I’m free to make my own choices, but why Why can’t I have it my way The more I try to push you away The more I’m drawn and attracted to you baby 24. in every dream home a heartache - roxy music Your skin is like vinyl The perfect companion You float my new pool De luxe and delightful Inflatable doll My role is to serve you Disposable darling Can't throw you away now 25. the moss - cosmo sheldrake But have you heard the story of the rabbit in the moon? Or the cow that hopped the planets while straddling a spoon Or she, who leapt up mountains, while whistling up a tune And swapped her songs with swallows while riding on a broom 26. green - todrick hall Green! Is a way of life And the millions would kill to see their name up in the lights For the green is okay tonight But be careful what you wish Because you might get what you like 27. guy.exe - superfruit Oh I, wish I could synthesize a picture perfect guy Oh I, oh I Six feet tall and super strong, we'd always get along Alright, alright Oh, he'd pick me up at eight and not a minute late Cause I don't like to wait, no Kind and ain't afraid to cry or treat his momma right 28. the dismemberment song - blue da kid Well once upon a time that's where the clock begins And right after the end Well, that's right where the plot thins And I've got no angel to keep me in line! So I'm taking your narrative and I'm making it mine! 29. me!me!me! - teddyloid I’ve worked hard for myself - What have you done for yourself? When you notice the scattered pieces of the mirror You’ll realize I wanted you to notice Is this still going on? Is this still happening? Even though I’d been waiting for you Even though I loved you 30. alone together - fall out boy My heart is like a stallion, they love it more when it's broken Do you wanna feel beautiful, do you wanna, yeah I'm outside the door, invite me in So we can go back and play pretend 31. get busy living or get busy dying - fall out boy This has been said so many times that I'm not sure if it matters But we never stood a chance And I'm not sure if it matters If you are the shores, I am the waves begging for big moons I'm mailing letters to addresses in a ghost town 32. hi it’s me - ashnikko When I'm with you I have amnesia, I'm weaker than before My stupid brain thinks that I need you, I'm eager to hurt more My best friend thinks that I'm a dumbass My dumbass should be a little more cautious I slip up, I text you, I forget That you were so so disrespectful 33. i’m poppy - poppy Welcome to the new world, I'm your internet girl Open up and you'll see, everyone is happy I like your technology, can you put it on me? The future is so pretty, we're living in harmony 34. idola no circus - neru Come, let’s dance all night in our naked bodies We know, we know your true nature Again putting on a fake face, You’re just like a pierrot ! It’s time to put a mask, a mask On your unsociable faced 35. shine - casey lee williams But baby, it's time to make up your mind I think that tonight is when our stars align Honey, it's time to leave the doubt behind Take my hand 'cause you and I are gonna shine 36. one thing - casey lee williams I was nowhere, I had no one, I felt nothing Lost without a voice and on my own Then a candle's flame brought a brand new name But now you've stolen everything And I'm all alone 37. sweetest cure - hugo What the hell am I s'posed to be Choose a world over me Sitting pretty in my mess On the phone I can't confess Word's out somehow You're the sweetest cure I never got to tell you 38. bang bang bang bang - sohodolls Teacher says that I've been naughty I must learn to concentrate But the girls they pull my hair And with the boys I can't relate Daddy says I'm good for nothing Mama says that it's from him Manic sister thinks I'm cracking Brother says it's in my genes 39. helpless - phillipa soo One week later I'm writin' a letter nightly Now my life gets better Every letter that you write me I'm helpless! He's mine, that boy is mine! Look into your eyes And the sky's the limit, I'm Helpless! Helpless! Down for the count, and I'm drownin' in 'em 40. lifeboat - laurence o’ keefe Everyone's pushing Everyone's fighting Storms are approaching There's nowhere to hide If I say the wrong thing Or I wear the wrong outfit They'll throw me right over the side 41. chase the morning - sarah brightman In you is a world of promise We have both been kept in bondage But you can learn from all my failures Let your life be your dream Integrity, honesty, its too late for me Don't look back till your free to chase the morning 42. no reason - leslie kritzer Everything, everything happens for a reason Be a beacon of light in the world Put a little "alright" in the world There are spiritual guides above Look up and see 'em Perception is reality Just listen to the melody the universe sings 'Cause everything, everything happens for a reason 43. i love play rehearsal - stephanie hsu I love play rehearsal 'Cause you are equiped with directions and text Life is easy in rehearsal You follow a script so you know what comes next Anywho, the point that I'm getting to Is sometimes life can't work out in the way It works out in the play 44. your song - elton john And you can tell everybody this is your song It may be quite simple but now that it's done I hope you don't mind I hope you don't mind That I put down in words How wonderful life is while you're in the world 45. the party goes with you - lindsay mendez And when we're dancing nose to nose Darling do you suppose, darling do you suppose This party could be just us two, and I your wife? Oh, oh, the gayest party, sad but true It's true The party goes with you The party goes with you 46. half jack - dresden dolls It's half biology and half corrective surgery gone wrong You'll notice something funny if you hang around here for too Long ago in some black hole before they had these pills to take it back I'm half Jill and half Jack 47. the secret - pierces Got a secret Can you keep it? Swear, this one you'll save Better lock it in your pocket Takin' this one to the grave If I show you, then I know you Won't tell what I said 'Cause two can keep a secret If one of them is dead 48. connect - claris My heart awakes in order to depict the future Even if I come to a halt on a tough road The beautiful blue sky always waits for me Therefore I'm not afraid I won't be disheartened anymore no matter what happens 49. simple and clean - hikaru utada Hold me, whatever lies beyond this morning Is a little later on Regardless of warnings, the future doesn't scare me at all Nothing's like before 50. mountains - message to bears And we could run away Before the light of day You know we always could The mountains say, the mountains say And we could run away Before the light of day You know we always could The mountains say, the mountains say

#gene's playlists

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cupidmarwani-archive · 6 years

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Ink Stains (16/25)

I just finished a draft of ch19 and I feel bad so have this

WC: 1281

Over the phone, Barba sounds tired. He says that Sonny’s story is good, but he’s worried about credibility when Sonny can’t speak out loud and he doesn’t handle the stress of cross well. Both of them want justice, he had said, but it might not be worth it to put Sonny through that when he’s already so fragile. This is the first time that he’s heard of Barba recommending a victim not testify, a realization that turns Peter’s body cold from the inside out. He doesn’t know if Barba’s also corrupt, or if things have just gotten that bad for Sonny. Peter hates this whole process. All he wants, all he needs, is to wave a wand and make all the pain go away. Why can’t he do that? If only it was so easy.

“Everything else you gave me is solid. Calhoun won’t take a deal, that’s her problem, but I’ve got them. The only issue is the abuse charges. No evidence, no immediate outcry, and he’s a wreck. I don’t know if I can get a conviction. Even trying might make it look like I’m reaching and it could jeopardize the actual case from the bust.”

“You have to try.”

Barba sighs. “I don’t know if it’s worth it, I’m sorry. I’ll keep you updated.”

After the pleasantries of a cold goodbye, Peter puts his head down on his desk. The wood, smooth, polished, and unforgiving prevents the comfort that he isn’t so sure he deserves anymore. Other cases need his attention, but they can wait until he stops feeling like the world is getting too small. He makes it five minutes into his pity party before the guilt takes over and he starts working. Another big case, this time with two minor internet celebrities. The vlogger accused his roommate, the beauty guru, of assaulting him after she gave him drugged wine. It’s mess, with no proof and no happy ending. Happy endings are hard to find, harder to make in real life. If this was a Hallmark movie, everything would turn out okay, but it’s not and it won’t. Somewhere deep inside of him, Peter knows that nothing will be okay.

He pushes the notion down to power through the paperwork, stacks and stacks that he’s drowning in no matter how many folders he hands off to Junior DAs to do the case law research. Two and then three and then four o’ clock roll around without notice until at 4:17, his cell phone rings with news that his his chest crumpling and churning. Shards of shattered glass slash his lungs, litter his cheeks in the burning cold. He’s in an Uber demanding an address before he even registers that he’s crying. Hot, salty tears cut down his face and drip onto his suit. The car can’t move fast enough. Over and over he’s telling himself that this can’t be true. Nothing he understands or knows can be reconciled with the simple fact.

Pam is dead.

They say she tried to hang herself again, and this time they didn’t get to her before it was too late. Her neck broke. She didn’t suffer, it was quick. Quick, unlike the drawn out agony of her last attempt as her feet kicked the open air. It’s impossible to imagine the kind of pain someone must be in to kill themselves, to even try. Especially more than once. What it must feel like to find life so terrible that seeing the sunrises and hearing the chirping birds isn’t a good enough reason to wake up in the morning is something that he can’t even begin to comprehend.

When he gets to the hospital and asks about Pam, the receptionist gives him the look he hates more than anything. Pity. Sorrow. An unspoken apology and a poor attempt at comfort for someone whose world is falling to pieces around them. He’s taken back to see her- see her body- and the sheet pulled over her face makes it feel more real. All he can see are the greasy strings of her unkempt hair and the gnarled curl of her bony fingers. It’s hard to reconcile her with the vibrancy of her youth in moments of lucidity, harder to think that that’s his sister, dead on the cold metal table like she’s about to be autopsied. This is all his fault. If he’d found time to visit, if he hadn’t been so selfish and gotten wrapped up in himself, if he’d gotten it together and come up to visit her, maybe she’d still be breathing with her aggressive wheeze that makes it sound like there are thumbtacks in her throat.

“She didn’t suffer, Mr. Stone. It was fast.”

“So you said,” Peter deadpans, refusing to look up at the doctor. “Do you think that if I had visited, she wouldn’t have…?”

He feels the long pause in the form of full pounding at the base of his skull. “You can’t blame yourself for this. It’s no one’s fault.”

The temptation to snap that she was fine before he stopped coming rises up like vomit in the back of his throat, but he chokes it down. Peter’s fingers drag down the sheet with a mind of their own to look at her sunken, stiff face. Death suits her, and isn’t that a terrible and morbid thought? He draws back up the sheet as the tears continue to pour. The hand rubbing his back to soothe him does nothing but make him hurt worse because he wasn’t around to offer even that much to Pam in her final days.

He’s taken from the room to drink water and cry, with a promise that the paperwork can be done tomorrow. They let him stay for a long time, hating himself as the loss washes over him in waves that keep coming over and over again. Every second that drags on hurts him worse. By the time he can force himself to move on cold robotic limbs, he has to rush to the precinct to pick Sonny up and take him home. Home, to safety and a little haven that they’ve built. They can play house and Peter can pretend he’s not disintegrating under grief and stress and worry and pressure and guilt, and he can act like it’ll all be okay because Sonny deserves that at the very least.

Rollins tells him to be extra careful tonight because it was a rough day, and Sonny’s face has the same cold death that Pam’s did. Peter wants to hold him and promise him it’ll be okay, despite not knowing if it will. That might be the worst part, the not knowing. Unable to reassure or help or do much beyond being there when Sonny cries. Their walk home is tense. Every so often, Sonny looks at him from the corners of his eyes, but he doesn’t speak. The silence is calm and Peter embraces it with his entire brain. When the air starts to waver and stale around their heads, he ignores it.

It’s all too much. Pam. Sonny. The case. His job. The world is dissolving and crashing and burning and Peter’s left standing in the middle without a life vest or so much as a lungful of air absent of smoke and ash. Walking in the front door, he barely keeps himself upright to stumble into the kitchen. He needs a drink. Something, anything to dull the razor edges of the pain digging in from all angles. The first thing his hand closes around is a beer bottle that he thumbs the cap off of so he can drink. Then he starts to cry.

#starisi #angst #mine #fic #inkstains

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popofventi · 5 years

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Ventipop #229 :: A Glimmer, The Study of Dreams & Windex Tears

THESE ARE THE MOST INTERESTING, HUMOROUS AND INSPIRING THINGS I FOUND ON THE NET THIS WEEK. IF YOU ENJOY, PLEASE SHARE WITH A FRIEND.

Laugh. Think. Feel.

2 Patrons…and Counting

You may have noticed, I removed all ads from Ventipop when I rebooted the site last month. So…the only revenue I receive is from “Buy Me A Coffee” link on the homepage and the “Become A Patron” link on the top of every page of Venti. Last week, I received a coffee and gained my 2nd Patron which is a monthly contribution. (Thanks Lisa!) I don’t expect it, but it sure is appreciated and good people affirming when it happens. If you can click one of those links and give even a little, it helps offset the costs associated with the site.

"Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing." -- Anonymous

Ask For Rick Astley…and Ye Shall Receive

Recommendations

"Charlesgate Confidential is terrific." -- Stephen King

Book Recommendation - Charlesgate Confidential by Scott Von Doviak

A breathtakingly clever, twist-filled narrative that moves from 1946 to 1988 to 2014 and back again. Charlesgate Confidential is a tremendous modern-day pulp story that combines fact, fiction, legend, and baseball. It reads like an unassisted triple play and is so fun.

I’m not usually attracted to this genre, but even the Wall Street Journal gave it a good review so I decided to check it out. Read it in almost one sitting. Von Doviak does a fantastic job of creating setting, tone, dialogue and characters for each distinctive decade. From the 40’s rat-a-tat-tat rapid fire made-guy dialogue to the 1980’s record shop, big hair-trying to get laid in college narrative to the present day detective looking for treasure storyline, Charlesgate Confidential is a throwback and a flashforward joy of a read all-in-one.

Album Recommendation - There’s Always Glimmer by Gia Margaret - Official Site, Featured Song “Groceries”

…The Best Tradition of All

Giving the Gift of Gift Guides

I used to put out a Ventipop Gift Guide, but then I decided my gift to the world would be to stop putting out another gift guide into the world. There’s already way too many of them. But here are my favorite go-to Gift Guides:

Ventipop’s Favorite Things

I had to buy one of these for my son from the Kikkerland Gift Guide

Books, Books, Books Gift Guide by Penguin Random House

Finnish Design Shop offers a list of “Pieces of Nordic Happiness”

Canopy curates Amazon into a single hub for easy gift giving

The Best Gifts for men who have everything gift guide by The Manual

Tom’s Guide offers gifts for the techies in our lives

The Kottke.org Gift Guide

Travel & Leisure share their best gifts ideas for travelers

Refinery29 offers up a very unique index of alt Gift Guides

The Guardian offers a nice Culture Gift Guide

Daily Nous offers a unique Philosopher’s Gift Guide

And a few more: Buzzfeed, Engadget and A Cup of Jo

Tom Cruise & Christopher McQuarrie Explain The Proper Way To Watch Action Movies On Your TV

Movie Trailer of the Week

Inappropriate Non-PC Comment of the Week

This little gem ran through my brain as I was attending my daughter’s choir concert tonight: “I'd like to start a choir that stars only kids with speech impediments.”

Sway bells wing, aw you wistenin’?

In da wayne, snowis gwistenin’…

Pause-vertising

Pause-vertising is the latest attempt by advertisers to get tv viewer’s eyeballs and ears on their commercials. Ads that only run when you pause a tv show while streaming. "Imagine an ad for soda or beer that comes on the screen just as you decide to stop the action during a run of an episode of Black-ish on Hulu to go to the kitchen for a snack, or a pitch for toilet paper that begins to move in the moments before you choose to halt the video stream for a bathroom break," reports Brian Steinberg. "And yet, there’s no guarantee viewers will welcome 'pause-vertising' any more than they do the current crop of 30-second pitches." Read more about Pause-vertising…here.

Snaps & Buckles & Japanese Things…

It’s the most busiest time of the year, so if your’e in need of some nature-based relaxation, check out these live 24/7 nature streams.

Fashion Policia - If you don’t want to support “fast fashion” and cheap, exploitive clothing labor, read 14 Expert Ways To Tell If Clothes Are Well-Made Or Super Cheap.

Blue lights in Japanese train stations have played a huge role in suicide rate reduction since 1984. This interesting tidbit is explained along with a ton of other really interesting things in Tom Whitwell’s infatuating article “52 Things I Learned in 2018”.

More Japan, please. For my brother, Top 10 Books About Japan.

And one more for Japan. The Michelin Guide recognizes fine dining, was started by a tire company and is now awarding a used car dealership in Totttori Japan…for its Ramen noodles. Makes perfect sense.

Science, Bitch!

Gross: Man coughs up a giant blood clot. Grosser: Man coughs up a giant blood clot in the shape of his lung.

Luxembourg will be the world’s first country to make all public transportation free.

Japan’s Planned Space Robotics Lab Looks Like an Asteroid Suspended Over a Crater

Every single time anyone on the news or in the movies fires a gun up in the air, I know the next words coming out of my wife’s mouth, “Those bullets are gonna come down and kill someone.” Turns out, she’s been right about this the whole time:

A new study says, “There’s no right thing to say to someone in need.”

The science of studying dreams in a lab.

The best table tennis shot of 2018:

Interview of the Week

The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel started season two this week. Here’s an interview with the starring actress Rachel Brosnahan. “[Frances McDormand] said something to me that I will never forget, that there seem to be 27,000 new products a day out there to alter your face… but that your face is a road map to your life and to everything that has made you who you are up until that point. And why would you ever want to erase any part of that? That every line on her face is every smile she’s ever smiled and every tear she’s ever cried and frown she’s ever frowned. And she wears them with pride.”

Fall Asleep In Two Minutes

This military secret formula for falling asleep in two minutes is said to work for 96 per cent of people after six weeks of practice.

Here’s how to do it:

Relax the muscles in your face, including tongue, jaw and the muscles around the eyes

Drop your shoulders as far down as they’ll go, followed by your upper and lower arm, one side at a time

Breathe out, relaxing your chest followed by your legs, starting from the thighs and working down

You should then spend 10 seconds trying to clear your mind before thinking about one of the three following images:

You’re lying in a canoe on a calm lake with nothing but a clear blue sky above you

You’re lying in a black velvet hammock in a pitch-black room

You say “don’t think, don’t think, don’t think” to yourself over and over for about 10 seconds.

A Beautiful Thing

Can a Windex ad move you to tears?

Nah.

Um.

Maybe.

"In a world that has decided that it's going to lose its mind, be more kind my friend. Try to be more kind." -- Frank Turner

-xxx-

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