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#(yes i psychoanalyze my family it’s super weird i wish i didn’t but haha here we go)
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just a rant about mental health here, don’t mind me, i needed it out
i can’t believe i’ve never understood how depression/mental health issues can be SO genetic, i didn’t want to believe it...but like.... 
wtf my double-first cousins have the EXACT same issues, fears, anxiety problems, self-worth nonexistence, and depression than my siblings and i have ?!?!?! (thanks family holidays for giving me the opportunity to over-analyse my faaam) (maybe i didn’t want to admit it because the two youngest didn’t get those in the same issues as their older siblings and mine but OH WOW i just learned during the holidays their parents changed their behavior raising them : Parenting, it’s a job, it takes mistakes and growth to get better)
so yea, anyway, genetics. that sucks. but at least it gives...answers to what the hell is happening to us all...even if none of us should have to deal with all this, why do we have to deal with all this
(and my dad finally used the word Depression to describe his emotional state, i’ve known for years, but he SAID THE WORD. thanks for the validation... now can we all get therapy. now)
#rant#(yes i psychoanalyze my family it’s super weird i wish i didn’t but haha here we go)#(but seriously how the fuck do i manage MY Depression while being concerned and freaking out over my family members’ depression and anxiety#like how the fuck do you build confidence when you’re terrified all the time for Your well-being and your family’s well-being)#(i legit told my parents they need help too and they got like “aaww you cute thinking of your parents you good girl”....#and i wanted to seriously yell at them to listen to me and not brush this off because wtf they’ve been living like that for years ????#(3/3 kids being suicidal at some point....HELLOOOOO GET HELP : YOU CAN'T BE OK HEARING ABOUT YOUR KIDS NOT WANTING TO LIVE)#GET SOME FUCKING HELP IT’S NOT OK AND IT’S HORRIBLE)#i've wanted to flee their house and make a home elsewhere since i came back two years ago but i relapsed and now i'm stuuuuck#i've been trying to find a therapist don't come at me i'm a fucking mess and i've rarely felt this hopeless but i don't want to die#(my aunt gave me a LOT of “God is the only one who can help you” pep-talks yes she did i’m glad it helped her but omg my faithless ass did n#not appreciate those at all*)#so anyway : sorry about that...i always felt like there was something veryyyy fishy in all our behaviors)#(turns out it's Big Anxiety and Depression being passed down from generation to generation)#(no wonder i don't want to make kids)(i'm not keeping that going on oh no no)#(and if i hear one 'but everyone else has it that baaaaad' i'll screech)#(if your mental health is bad : talk about it with your fam and get help)(don't do like us and brush it off forever)#i fucking need some therapy and i'll do that as soon as i got some fucking sleep if i manage to get some fucking sleep tonight#i didn't even get a traumatising childhood but i'm falling apart so i can't imagine what my siblings or people with real problems got throug#all fucking strong unbelievable warriors wtf#i'm a baby complaining for nothing but heyyy let me be a waste of space for a few more years until my next relapse HOPEFULLY please thanks#ugh#ok i'm done#sorry 'bout that#genetics suck
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