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nevertheless-moving · 3 years

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Suicidal Misunderstanding Part VI - Star Wars Time Travel AU

Part I - - - - - Part II - - - - - Part III - - - - - Part IV - - - - - Part V

Anakin watched Obi-Wan through the stalks for several minutes. He could see him kneeling at the base of the waterfall, occasionally glancing around, as if searching for someone. Just when he was about to break and interrupt him, Obi-Wan stood and walked over. They sat together on the low bench, surrounded by the carefully cultivated colored fungi.

“Obi-Wan...maybe we should talk about what’s going on with you. Whatever it is, I’m here for you.” Anakin offered hesitantly.

Obi-Wan tensed, hands clenching in his lap.

“No.”

“Master Windu and Bant both seemed to think this isn’t a drug thing. Please, let-”

“That wasn’t what I was saying no to.”

Obi-Wan stood and began threading a path through the mushrooms, careful not to step on any of the smaller ones. Anakin was forced to follow directly in his footsteps, not wanting to risk damaging something Obi-Wan clearly seemed to care about, but wishing he could look at his Master’s face.

“Did I ever tell you about Bruck Chun?” Obi-Wan asked.

“No. Who’s Bruck?” Anakin responded with deliberate patience.

“He was an old crechemate of mine, quite gifted, though he had a temper. There have been times you remind me of him. We were rivals.” They were approaching the end of the alcove, a large stone overhang throwing them in to shadow.

“Were?”

“He died. When we were twelve.”

When they reached the rock face, Obi-Wan started climbing straight up. Anakin followed. Several clicks above the floor, Obi-Wan squeezed his way into a narrow crack, invisible from the floor below. Anakin followed. They awkwardly shuffled along the passage until Obi-Wan suddenly dropped out of sight. Anakin followed.

They landed in a hidden alcove. It was half lit by sunlight filtering in from cracks above, and half lit by the glow of mushrooms and crystals tenaciously embedded in the rock face around.

“Oh.” Anakin said softly. “Is this where you go when you visit the fountains to meditate?”

“No, I hadn’t been here in years.” Obi-Wan answered wistfully. “I started getting too big, didn’t want to damage the passageway too much. I figured some other younglings would stumble upon it someday like I did. I’m sorry. I avoided this room for the first year or two of your padawanship. By the time I even thought to share it, you had already grown so big...”

He sat down, legs stretched out in front. Anakin sat next to him, mirroring his position.

“I’m glad you’re sharing it with me now.” Anakin smiled reassuringly, but Obi-Wan was staring ahead blankly.

The young knight swallowed nervously. “Did you...come here with Bruck?”

Obi-Wan let out a snort. “Gods, no! I hid here from him. Before we were rivals, he bullied me relentlessly.”

“And...this is the guy you said I remind you of?” Was he being insulted?

“At times. Math lessons, saber practice, none of that ever came easy to me. But you and him...you never even needed to study. And you do have a vicious streak, Anakin.”

Rather than try to argue in vain against the slight hurt, Anakin just asked, “How did he die?”

Obi-Wan closed his eyes. “He fell.”

Anakin jerked in surprise, “Wait, you mean-”

“We were fighting at the top of the waterfall- it- he had nearly killed Bant. He was angry that we both had been chosen by Masters, and Xanatos used that to manipulate him into helping with an attack on the temple. Bruck was lashing out. He was a better swordsmen, but his anger made him unbalanced. I knocked him back. And he fell. I’ve forgotten a lot of details about him as a person, but I still remember his body at the bottom of the falls.”

"That’s...awful. I’m sorry.” Anakin said helplessly. He had known the bare basics of Xanatos’s fall, but clearly not the full story.

Obi-Wan sighed, leaning slightly to press their shoulders together. Anakin scootched over to try and provide a little extra silent comfort.

“I thought I had learned to live with my guilt over my part in what happened to him, but I suppose recent events have torn open old scars, so to speak.”

Anakin held his breath, Obi-Wan didn’t add anything else.

“Obi-Wan” he tried to nudge gently.

“Hmm?”

Anakin lost his patience, jumping up. “Master, please!” He half yelled, looming over his Master. A flash of fear crossed Obi-Wan’s expression as he looked up, which immediately halted the fit of rage.

He knelt down penitently, “I’m sorry, Obi-Wan, I shouldn’t have yelled, but please, let me help. I won’t get mad like that again, I swear. Whatever you need, I’m here for you.”

“You’re not.” Obi-Wan whispered, expression blank. He shuddered all over, fists clenching tightly.

“You’re NOT here for me!” Obi-Wan shouted, suddenly offended. “How can you POSSIBLY claim to be there for anyone after what you-” Obi-Wan seemed to choke on the words. He let out a strangled cry and pulled his knees up to his chest. Tears welled, but he didn’t seem to notice.

Anakin stared wide-eyed, cold all over. “This...this is about something I did. I don’t understand. You... told me a few hours that I’m dear to you, what...what could I have done since then to make you...I don’t understand.”

“You know what you did.” Obi-Wan let out. “And the fact that learning about it didn’t stop me from caring about you doesn’t help, it just makes the heartbreak a thousand times more painful.”

Anakin racked his brain wildly. This couldn’t be about his marriage with Padme, right? He told him this morning that he didn’t mind the sneaking off. There was only one screw-up big enough that could possibly warrant this severe a reaction, and only two people alive knew about that, both sworn to secrecy.

“The younglings,” Obi-Wan whispered. “You - you didn’t even spare the younglings.” Obi-wan looked gutted, terrified.

Anakin felt like he had been dropped in ice water. This was- this was his worst fear- that Obi-Wan would learn about his darkest failing as a Jedi and be ashamed of him, angry at him, would abandon him. He had already made his judgement. How could he have even learned about about the Tuskens?

“Padme-” he breathed out. “Padme told-”

“No!” Obi-Wan denied desperately, lurching forward. “Padme would never betray you! I would never betray you! We both love you, Anakin. Please, some part of you must know that! You must!”

His master seemed frantic, fingernails digging painfully into Anakin’s arm.

“You love me?” Anakin asked brokenly, heart cracked open.

Obi-Wan let go of Anakin to curl in on himself again. He seemed very small. It hurt to look at.

“I think its safe to say at this point that there’s nothing you could, no betrayal or atrocity you could commit that would make me stop loving you. Despite what you’ve done, you’re my brother, my son- of course I love you. The fact that I led you to doubt my love for you might be my greatest failing, though there are so many its hard to really say.” Obi-Wan sounded utterly defeated.

Anakin’s heart was pounding. This was a nightmare and a childhood dream. Obi-Wan loved him unconditionally, but he knew about his slaughter of the Tusken's and was ashamed. This couldn’t be real. He can’t know.

“Palpatine-” Anakin tried to ask.

Obi-Wan growled. “I do not need to talk about how that power-hungry liar systematically worked to tear us apart. I want to know why you would-” he cut himself off again.

Palpatine told Obi-Wan- that was more than he could even begin to process.

"I’m sorry, Master. I’m so sorry for failing you.” The words came desperately tumbling out, “I was just- I was so angry about my mom’s death and-”

“Your mother’s death? You killed innocent children for the sake of your Mother?! I don’t- how could anyone possibly rationalize-” Obi-Wan hissed out, truly angry for the first time that day. He took a deep breath and pulled himself upright.

“Your mother’s death was a terrible tragedy and I will forever regret my role in it. I should have tried harder to free her, for her own sake. I was so afraid that if I pushed for permission with the council they would think I was failing you, and they would take you from me. I made- so many decisions out of attachment, out of fear of losing you, and in the end I hurt you so badly you couldn’t trust me. You didn’t trust me with the truth of your visions, so I gave you bad advice born of misunderstanding, and your mother died horribly. I- I can see how you would blame the Jedi for that, even if its not rational. I certainly understand why you would blame me for that, why you would hate me because of her death.”

Obi-Wan scrubbed at his face mercilessly, practically tearing skin in his haste to wipe away snot and tears.

“But why, if you were getting revenge, would you kill the children and not me?” “Why couldn’t you just kill me and be satisfied?” He finally looked straight at Anakin, asking like it was a real question.

Anakin was horrified. After a few false starts he finally choked out, “Master, I love you. I told you, you’re the closest thing I have to a father. You’re the last person I could ever kill.”

“The last person you could ever kill,” Obi-Wan echoed back, looking pained.

“Please, Master, tell me how to fix this. I want to make things right. How can I fix things?” Anakin begged.

“That’s not a fair question. You can’t unmurder people. You can’t put them back together like a- an engine or a droid- ”

“There has to be something I can do to make you forgive me!” Anakin said desperately. “You can’t just tell me you love me and then say I’m an irredeemable monster!”

“Well that’s an entirely different matter, though no less cruel to think about.”

He leaned into Anakin’s side once more, the press providing a hint of warmth even in the unshakable cold. “Anakin, it isn’t very rational or fair of me, but it wouldn’t really take that much to get me to forgive you. Kriff, if you just acted sorry for what you had done.” Obi-Wan sighed.

“If you told me that you regretted the lives you took and swore you were going to stop murdering, force help me, I’d probably take you back in an instant. All I ever wanted was to help you be the best version of yourself.”

“I’m sorry.” Anakin said immediately. “I’m so, so sorry for what I did. I lost control of myself because I was scared, and angry, and suffering and, and then I was so scared that you would hate me that I pretended it was ok, and I told myself that they deserved to die, but how could children ever deserve to die and please Master I’ll throw away my lightsaber just please, please don’t leave me, I need you, please-” and the rest of the words dissolved into large, ugly sobs.

Obi-Wan keened and pulled Anakin into his lap like he was a child again. Anakin scrabbled at his cloak, desperately trying to hold on. The terrible chill that had been haunting him slowly started to fade away as he was rocked back and forth.

After a minute, Anakin got enough of a hold on himself to consider trying to stop blubbering like a crecheling on his Master’s robes. But he quickly realized that Obi-Wan was also crying, so instead threw his arms around the older man and let himself go.

An uncertain amount of time passed before they both slowed from heaving sobs, to dry hiccups, to quiet whimpers. Eventually they ended up laying in a heap, boneless but for their hold on each other. And finally, the cavern was more or less silent.

Anakin felt physically lighter, mind clear like he had just completed an extremely successful meditation session.

Without a word, they slowly shifted so they were leaning on the wall instead of sprawled on the ground. Obi-Wan pulled his robe off, first using it to wipe his face, then tenderly cleaning his Padwan’s.

Anakin just chuckled.

Obi-Wan threw the robe so it covered the two of them, which was a little gross, but that only made Anakin snort giddily.

They sat there peacefully for sometime. The shadows from above started shifting, and Obi-Wan sighed, “I really should go eat something.”

Anakin sighed back at him in agreement. They both stretched in the small space, joints popping.

“Do you need to walk through the rest of the gardens first?” Anakin asked.

“No,” Obi-Wan replied, tenderly fussing with his kid’s hair and robes so they looked presentable. “This was...more than I could have hoped for.”

Anakin beamed, giving Obi-Wan one last quick hug before gesturing upwards. “Time to get back to the real world?” he joked with a hint of regret.

“Time to get back to the real world.” Obi-Wan repeated heavily.

Part VII

#star wars #star wars au #my au #time travel #suicidal misunderstanding au #Its about the DOUBLE MEANINGS in every conversation #Its about not Understanding because UNEXPECTED TIME TRAVEL is involved but also they’re idiots #obi wan gets a hug #fanfic #star wars au no 27 #why anakin #just why

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too-gay-for-marvel · 4 years

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broken

a/n: listen. i had fun writing this one, and i enjoyed it, but i am so done with it. this was the most writers block ive had in so long. i promise im not dead, im just busy being as unproductive as i possibly can

Word Count: 1855

Warnings: none

Pairing: Carol x Reader

“This sucks.”

Carol turned from her spot at the counter to see you throw your book against the wall. It had been a long three days, and you still had a lot of time left before you could go on another mission. She almost felt sorry for you. But then she remembered what you had done to get in this position in the first place, and she didn’t feel so bad anymore.

“Shouldn’t have been so careless,” she shrugged even though she knew you weren’t looking at her.

“It was Sam’s fault,” you mumbled just loud enough for her to hear.

If she were a good girlfriend, she would have gone and sat with you. Maybe she would have pulled your head into her lap and offered some snacks or a movie or a game. A kiss or two on the forehead to show she was with you until the end.

But no one ever said she was a good girlfriend.

“Sam wasn’t even on the mission.”

“He told me to do it!” You shouted back, and Carol could see you throw your arms into the air in indignation. It was pretty cute.

“If your friends told you to-”

“-Without question.”

“You didn’t even let me finish,” Carol complained as she finally fully turned around to face you.

“Doesn’t matter,” you shrugged. “I take no convincing to make bad decisions.”

“Yeah, no shit,” she mumbled to herself.

You both went quiet and Carol could partially see the look on your face from over the back of the couch. She knew that glazed look in your eyes and the way you were zoned out at the ceiling. And even though she wanted you to know she wasn’t happy with you, she knew she needed to have mercy. Only for a little bit.

She slid off the counter stool and made her way to the couch where she could just stare down at you. You didn’t move, though, instead still staring at the ceiling. Carol could only imagine how infuriating this probably was, and even though it was absolutely your fault, she felt for you.

“Move over,” Carol said a little harsher than intended. When you still hadn’t moved, she nudged your unbroken leg with her knee, and when you looked at her she raised her brow.

“Fine,” you sighed before lifting your legs enough for her to sit down.

“Your leg is heavy,” Carol complained when you set your legs back down.

“It’s a cast, Carol,” you huffed, “it’s gonna be heavy.”

“You know what would have fixed this problem?”

“’Don’t break your leg,’” you mocked, “yeah yeah, fuck off.”

You sighed and threw an arm over your eyes before you both went silent. That was exactly what Carol had been about to say, and she had to hand it to you; you knew her better than most. But you went quiet, so she decided to instead just run her fingers over the new markings on your cast.

It seemed everyone had signed it in some way or another. Rhodey, Nat, and Bruce had signed it like normal people. There was a flower on your knee that Steve had drawn. Sam and Bucky had written a mini argument down your calf. Clint had, of course, drawn a dick (and a poorly drawn one at that). Tony had written the number for an escort service on the top of your thigh “so you can always see it.” Even Hulk had managed to scribble out his name.

“When did this happen?” Carol asked as she looked back up to your face.

“Couple days ago, I guess,” you shrugged without looking down from the hole you were staring into the ceiling.

“Where was I?” Carol chuckled nervously to herself. But she knew the answer.

“Away,” you confirmed with a small voice. And it broke her heart.

You knew going into this that Carol would have to be gone for unknown amounts of time. She loved being home, but she had a responsibility to keep everyone safe, and that meant a lot of distance at the worst of times. And in her defense, as soon as she had gotten word that you’d gotten hurt she had rushed home.

And then had to leave again for almost two weeks.

“Let me up,” Carol said softly with a pat to your good leg. You finally looked down and raised a brow at her, but raised your legs anyway so she could stand.

She ignored the look she could feel you sending her way and continued walking to the kitchen. It took a little longer than she had thought, but she eventually found the junk drawer and dug around. There were scissors, matches, random batteries… and an orange marker. Why orange? She had no idea, but it would work.

Instead of sitting under your legs again, Carol kneeled in front of the couch. She took the cap off with her mouth and started drawing, up on your thigh. It wasn’t going to be pretty. Okay, it was going to be borderline hideous. But that wasn’t the point.

“What are you doing?”

Carol’s hand stopped when she noticed you had raised yourself up onto your elbows. Your frustration seemed to have melted away - even if temporarily - to be replaced with curiosity. Which was understandable because she may have been ruining your cast, but honestly? She didn’t care.

“Leaving my mark,” Carol answered as she went back to drawing.

“You don’t have to,” you said quickly.

“I know I don’t, I want to.”

“No, really, it’s okay.”

“Baby, just let me finish-”

“-I don’t even know what that is,” you whined as you gestured toward the beautiful new drawing on your thigh.

“What do you mean you don’t know what it is?” Carol asked. She had finally finished and was now focused on you. And the almost terrified look on your face.

“It’s a mess!”

“It’s Goose!”

“If that’s Goose, then I’m a Skrull.”

“Wait, are you?”

“Carol,” you warned.

A silence fell over the both of you as you stared each other down, daring the other to make the first move. Carol stared into your eyes and searched for something, she didn’t know what. The tension was so thick it was almost hard to breathe. But when the corner of your mouth slowly tilted up, she couldn’t stop her own smile and the tension devolved into laughter.

It was so nice to get to see that smile on your face once again. You hadn’t smiled or laughed since the accident, and even though Carol couldn’t blame you, she had missed it. She had missed hearing you laugh at the team or smile to yourself when Goose came over to lay on you.

She had missed you.

“If someone makes fun of me, I’m blaming you,” you managed to choke out around your laughter.

“Now you’ll always think of me,” Carol retorted, completely ignoring your threat.

“For better or worse,” you shot back with a smirk that quickly turned into a wide-mouthed yawn.

Carol’s eyes flitted to the clock on the wall and noted that it was far too late to still be awake. Even though the both of you were homebound for a while, she knew how grumpy you could be if you didn’t get enough sleep. Okay, maybe she got a bit grumpy too, but that wasn’t the point. She was going to pretend it was all for you.

“Let’s get to bed,” Carol said softly, but she still didn’t get up from her spot on the floor.

“I can’t walk.”

“I’ll get your crutches,” Carol shrugged.

“They’re not… here,” you mumbled, and she noticed you desperately trying to avoid her eyes.

“Where are they?”

Yet again you avoided her gaze, and Carol couldn’t help glaring at you. She knew you could still see her, and she hoped you just caved. You needed those crutches for when no one was around, so where could they possibly be? She would understand if Tony had taken them, or if Clint had tried to use them and lost them.

But you looked guilty.

“Y/N?” Carol tried again, and you looked at her out of the corner of your eye. “Where are your crutches?”

“I… can neither confirm nor deny the location of my crutches,” you stated, sounding an awful lot like Tony when he was trying to get away with something. “But they may have been thrown out the window.”

And the truth comes out.

“How did you expect to get around?” Carol asked as she stood up and crossed her arms over her chest.

“I…,” you paused and, with a sigh, dropped your head. “I didn’t think that far.”

“Of course you didn’t,” Carol sighed. She should have been more disappointed but, knowing you as well as she did, it wasn’t really a surprise.

She knew what she had to do.

“Come here,” Carol said far softer than she had intended. Not that she wanted to be harsh, but she was going to have a talk with you later about not throwing things out of windows.

You squinted your eyes at her until she held her arms out, and you quickly relaxed again. She bent down and slid her arms under your back and your knees, being careful not to jostle your cast too much. When she stood up you quickly wrapped your arms around her neck and let her start carrying you.

“This is so romantic,” you whispered as you buried your head in her neck. The feel of your breath on her skin tickled.

“Don’t get used to it,” Carol shot back, but she couldn’t stop herself from smiling when you shook with hushed giggles.

When she reached your shared room, she was about to just toss you onto the bed until she remembered your leg. So instead she walked over and set you on your side of the bed, helping you arrange yourself so you could get settled. Since you were already in pyjamas - and had been since you got out of the medical wing - she only had to get herself changed and turned the lights off before climbing into bed.

“Carol?” You whispered after a few minutes of hearing nothing but the fan.

“What?”

“My cast is itchy.”

“You’ll just have to get over it,” she sighed. She didn’t even open her eyes; it was too dark to see anyway.

“But it itches really bad.”

“Where?” She conceded.

“My knee.”

“Baby, you can’t even reach your knee,” Carol explained even though you knew that already. “You’re just going to have to ride it out.”

You groaned, but otherwise went silent again. And Carol thought that would be the end of it for the night. She would get some sleep, you would get some sleep, and you could both relax tomorrow. You both needed it, and maybe you could both talk a few things out. Something you both needed.

“Carol?” You whispered again, interrupting her train of thought. “Are you awake?”

“Yeah, baby,” Carol mumbled.

“I have to pee.”

Carol sighed. This was going to be a very long night.

#carol danvers #carol x reader #carol danvers x reader #captain marvel x reader #carol danvers imagine #captain marvel imagine #marvel #marvel x reader #marvel imagine

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dammitadolfnomorecake · 3 years

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Once Bitten, Twice Stupid prt 105 prt2

Keith could lie. He could lie and comfort Lance by pretending to be strong... yet he couldn’t do that. He had to be honest with the man he loved

“I don’t know what I am... other than confused and scared”

“What do we do?”

“We wait. We see what the ultrasound says... and we figure it out”

“And what... if they’re...”

“Either way, we’ll work it out”

Lance clutched up at him, Keith relieved his lover’s strength had started to return

“I don’t think I can do this. I don’t think... I want to lose them”

Keith swallowed down the emotions choking his throat. He didn’t know if Lance meant it or not, and Lance wasn’t in the right frame of mind to question him

“Okay... okay... I’m here. I’m staying. We’ll figure this out”

“I love you... so much... I wanted this in the future... I feel so guilty for it happening now”

“You’re getting worked up again. Coran wants to you stay as calm as you can. We can’t do anything for now”

“I’m still really tired”

“You nap. I’ll be here holding you”

“You really are the best boyfriend ever...”

Half an hour later, Coran knocked on the door before letting himself in. Waking Shiro up, his brother stretched as he yawned, Coran kind enough, and smart enough, to bring coffee with him. With Lance cuddled against him, Coran first handed a cup to Shiro, then brought one over to him. He didn’t get what Coran was trying to do by repeatedly jerking his head towards Shiro. His poor brother standing behind the man looking anxious. Coran finally having to take it on himself to gently send Shiro off for a shower so they could do testing, and Keith then getting what Coran meant. Social cues were not his friend.

Waiting for Shiro to leave, Coran then smiled at him softly

“How are you feeling?”

“Still pretty shocked and confused”

And really clingy. Despite how he felt before, he didn’t want to let Lance go, nor did he want to let anyone near him

“I’m sure you will for the next few days at least. How was Lance?”

“He woke up for a bit, said he was still really sleepy”

“Ah, to be expected. I did introduce a mild sedative into the IV. Nothing major, just a little something to help him rest. Now, I’m sure you’re both anxious. Why don’t you wake him up and I’ll get things organised. I’m afraid you’ll have to stand, I need space to examine him”

Fuck. He didn’t want to move. Lance would get too upset if he did, but for Lance’s sake he had to

“Can you take the cup for a moment?”

“Of course. I’ll put on the table for now”

While Coran got organised, Keith nuzzled into Lance’s hair, kissing the soft locks between words

“Babe. It’s time to wake up”

Groaning at him, Lance made it clear what he thought of that idea

“I know, but Coran’s here...”

“Coran?”

That got his attention. The cogs in Lance’s brain starting to work

“Yeah, he’s here to do the scan”

Lance groaned again, trying to wiggle in the bed before giving up. So damn cute...

“Fuck... okay... ugh... something smells bad”

“He brought coffee”

Lance tried to sit up straighter again, groaning when he didn’t move. Sleepy Lance was adorable. Adorable and cute. He’d fight anyone who said otherwise.

“Here, I’ll help you”

Modesty went out the window as Coran pulled the sheets down, and slid the gown Lance was wearing up. His boyfriend blushing, though he really didn’t need to. They were all men. They’d all seen a dick before. Squeezing whatever was in the bottle across Lance’s stomach, Keith wondered how the hell this all worked. In the movies it was all about full bladders and having to pee. It was like Coran read his mind

“Now, this is going to be cold. You’re probably not going to enjoy it being cold, but you’re in good hands here. If we can’t get an image this way, we might have to... go up the ol’ pooper”

Lance whined at the thought, Keith sympathetic, as Coran chuckled

“You’ve had plenty of fluids over night. Alright, are we all ready?”

Nope... Keith looked to Lance, who had his bottom lip trapped and bleeding

“Babe, it’s going to be okay”

Guilt flashed over Lance’s face. His boyfriend releasing his lip to take a deep breath

“Okay... do it...”

“Rightio!”

Coran was too enthused... and Keith was lost. Setting everything up was confusing enough to watch, now looking at what looked like grey fish in black, he hadn’t a clue what to look for. He truly was hopeless. Coran kept them hanging, humming and “ahhing” every so often as he’d stop. The wait was killing Keith’s soul. He was surprised it hadn’t flown out his mouth already and left him a lifeless heap on the floor. Enlarging the image on a black dot that looked the size of a coin, Coran smiled happily

“And there is you baby”

Keith blinked, blurting out

“It’s a dot”

Coran chuckled at him

“Lance isn’t far along. 4 weeks if I do say so myself. For a man in a motorcycle accident, you must have been very active”

“Wiggling” his eyebrows, Coran had no shame with what he was implying. Drugs were good. And they’d both been desperate to feel each other... maybe they’d been too enthused... though he was sure they’d used a condom. In his defence, he was medicated and Lance was addictive

“It’s... still there?”

“Yes, my boy. Now, it’s too soon to know if there’s a heart beat. I’m having you stay here where I can monitor you. No stress or strenuous activity until your next scan. We’ll also need to get you on a new diet that’s got all the good things this little one will need. It’ll be a learning curve for all of us, and we’re all a little clueless how this will be for you. I’ve never looked after a male breeder, let alone one pregnant, but I promise to do my best. Now, I need to make some adjustments. I’ll be back to hang a new bag of blood, and bring a little breakfast if you think you can manage it”

“I don’t feel hungry”

“Even if you don’t, your little one needs the nutrients. Is there anything in particular you feel like?”

“Sleeping?”

Coran threw his head back as he laughed. Keith thinking how he’d brought that one on himself. Lance could be bossy when he was sleepy

“You can sleep my dear boy after you and Keith eat. You both need your strength of this little one is anywhere nearly as rambunctious as the pair of you. Still. I suppose I shouldn’t be getting too far ahead. I’m afraid I let the excitement get to me. Whether you choose to keep the baby or terminate the pregnancy is a serious conversation you can’t have on empty stomachs either. I suspect Keith also needs more coffee if he’s going to make an informed decision. Right. Let me clean you up, then I’ll fetch you something for those stomachs of yours”

Left alone by the whirlwind that was Coran, Keith was back on the bed again, Lance having both his hands resting on his stomach over the blankets. Taking his boyfriend’s right hand, he interlaced their fingers

“What are you thinking?”

“That we made a baby”

Keith let out a long breath. He still couldn’t see how that black splodge would turn into a baby. Okay. So he knew babies happened and sometimes they happened despite protection... but now he couldn’t remember if they’d always been careful. Had he come in Lance? Not pulling out in time? He wouldn’t let Lance blame himself. With such bold thoughts, he failed at expressing them

“Yeah... we did”

Someone shoot him. He wasn’t doing this right. Lance rubbed his belly the best he could with his left hand

“Do you think they’ll be okay? I fell down the stairs and I poisoned them without even knowing”

That was a lot of guilt to carry. None of them had thought that a precautionary test was necessary

“I think if they’re as stubborn as you, they’ll be fine. But babe, you’ve got to be honest with me, how do you really feel about it?”

Lance took a shaky breath, squeezing his hand as he released it, needing a few moments to compose himself

“I’m... in shock. I look at you, and you’re like the future... but I can’t see past what’s happening at the moment... and that... I don’t know. They’re in there. A bunch of cells without a face or heart beat... but they’re still there... I love us. I love us so much... yet... I can’t see how... how you’re not mad. I don’t know why you’re not yelling. Why you’re not... why you haven’t run for the hills?”

“Idiot. It takes two to make a baby”

“But it’s inside me. I’m a guy. I like being a guy. I like being your kind of guy. Am I still your kind of guy, if I’m pregnant? And... there’s you. You’re scared. This... this is big. And it’s only going to get bigger. That’s a whole person forming from your stuff and mine... and that’s fucking terrifying. I wasn’t supposed to fall in love, or be happy... and now... how do I explain this? How do I... tell them... without... without them being grossed out?”

“Idiot. You felt the same way about telling them you were a vampire. Things might have awkward, but Pidge couldn’t find it cooler”

“Yeah... Matt had to be so scared. I... I think I need to think about this. You... you should talk to Shiro”

That sounded a lot like Lance was shutting him out. Had he made up his mind? He said he thought he wanted to keep it... and now he wasn’t sure? Did he want him gone so he could get rid of it without him?

“You want me to go?”

“No. I can hear what you’re thinking. You’re thinking the worst of me. You’re wondering if I did it on purpose. I told you I didn’t! I didn’t suspect! I should have, but I didn’t and now I’m thinking I need to fucking think and have a nap, and you’re there writing me off when I was thinking that you should tell Shiro so you had someone to talk to that wasn’t Coran! I can’t fucking believe you! This... we did this together. You said we’d work it out together!”

“How am I supposed to know what to think!? You were covered in blood. All down your legs and your feet. Matt was covered in blood. You don’t want me to go, then you’re saying you need to think and I have to talk to Shiro!”

“Because I want you to really think about this! I want you to have your brother there! God, I’m not sending you off to have him convince you I need abortion, that you think I’m too cowardly to say! I want you to talk to him because he’s your brother and you love him! He’s your brother. Your family... I don’t want you running around having to deal with guilt of lying to him”

He’d fucked this up. He needed to back peddle

“You’re my priority!”

“That’s why I was going to suggest it later when I finally get to take a nap! Honestly, I don’t want you to go anywhere I can’t see, but I want you to be to talk properly with your brother. Lies hurt, Keith. This is... you need to talk with him... this is bigger than us”

Okay. He’d definitely been told

“I’m sorry. I’m still freaking out. You’re not supposed to be stressing. We definitely shouldn’t be yelling. Fuck... I don’t want to leave you here alone”

Lance huffed at him, before hissing slightly as he shifted his weight. Stress was bad. He was stressing Lance out by making him cranky

“I know that. I’m not planning on doing anything without talking to you. I’m just so fucking tired and kind of tender from falling down the stairs at home. I think I must have messed my wrist up and this cast thing is really damn itchy... and I literally don’t have the energy to keep fighting. You don’t have to go talk to Shiro, but I think you should. God. We’re lucky everything is sound proof around here. We’d be in so much shit if Coran heard us”

Thank fuck his mother couldn’t hear them... He had a feeling her liking of Lance would drop the moment she found out. As for talking to Shiro... he knew he had to... his brother was really worried about Lance, but how did he tell him that he’d knocked Lance up?

“If I say I’ll think about it, will I get hit?”

Lance sighed at him, he’d paled a lot with all the yelling he’d done. Normally blood perked him right up. He must be feeling awful not to be letting his ego flare at all

“No. I’m not going to force it on you. I’m not going to force any of this on you. Now, I’m going to try and get as many cuddles in and as much dozing as I can do before Coran comes back”

“Good thing I’m here”

“The best thing is that you’re here. Never forget that Keith. The world is better for having you... never forget that”

With his coffee out of reach, Keith decided he needed to keep his mouth shut. No more upsetting Lance. They had enough to figure out now. A baby. How did... how was Lance even expected to give birth? And where would he live? Their apartment wasn’t baby friendly, but Lance’s house had stairs. Maybe Lance was right and beyond the whole issue of keeping the child, there were a lot more things to work out.

#once bitten twice stupid #oncebittentwicestupid #ashratherose

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honestynhedonismthings · 3 years

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Hell and Back

I’d already been through the wringer. I suffered from a case of sepsis which I found out later was caused by a cut I’d received while having my new mirena inserted. I was getting a new mirena inserted after earlier in the year falling pregnant with a unviable embryo, meaning it wasn’t implanted in my uterus. I miscarried that pregnancy, it was never viable to begin with but it hurt just as much to lose it. It was later discovered I’d fallen pregnant because the mirena I’d had in at the time was dislodged and actually broken, hence getting it replaced when I found out. The most shocking thing wasn’t even the mirena saga, it’s the fact that after my ectopic pregnancy, I’d spent a lot of time and money on doctors who all told me that it was very unlikely I would ever conceive naturally. The sepsis was caught early because being a medical student, I know to keep my own records, and was able to help my doctors retrace my steps and figure out how what could be causing me to be so sick as it was an unusual type of sick for me. I’ve been through a lot in my life, I know my body and I know when something isn’t right. Fast forward to post recovery and you’re being helpful and nice and its familiar and we fell into old patters and slept together.. more than once.. A mistake really but when emotions are running high, sometimes you lose control. It stops anyway, we stop talking. I’m doing well, I’m being a teenager for the first time in my life and everything is sorta normal. I missed my period. I never miss my period. I took 12 pregnancy tests and threw out my pack of smokes after taking the first one. I was pregnant. Scared shitless and pregnant. You’re the only person I’ve had unprotected sex with. I couldn’t believe it. After the miscarriage, I double checked with the doctors again and they still said I’d never have a viable pregnancy and here I was, pregnant, with my ex boyfriend’s child when we’re both finally moving on. I spent that night at the hospital. Shortly after finding out I was pregnant I began to have pains in my stomach, I assumed it was anxiety and ignored it for a few hours until the pain got worse and I feared this pregnancy was ectopic as the pain was so similar to that of an ectopic pregnancy and having already had surgery for that when I was 16, I wasn’t ready to do that again. After a few hours and tests at the hospital, I was free to go home and Chad bought me dinner and I cried. I instantly knew you wouldn’t believe me. You were always in denial about things that were right in front of you. The biggest being that we weren’t good together, the second being that Chad and I are the same person basically. You were stalking my private Tumblr blog, as you were known to do. That’s how you found out I was pregnant. I’d written a journal entry about the whole thing and you messaged me accusing me of lying and came to my house to confront me. I had evidence waiting though, I knew you. Everything I said had to come with evidence when we were together so I knew I had to be especially prepared this time. You’d already accused me of lying in the previous unviable pregnancy; even after I took a pregnancy test with you right there, even after you followed me to the pregnancy advisory centre and accused me of not having an appointment, records confirm I did. You came to my house and I gave you my ultrasounds, the 12 pregnancy tests, the discharge letter from the hospital and a pregnancy record book signed and dated from my GP, you still thought it was bullshit. I was devastated and done with the conversation. I was strong. Until I got sick. I had hyperemesis which is morning sickness on steroids and I’d had it the entire time I was pregnant. For 8 weeks I couldn’t drink or eat. Every day I would try and take a prenatal vitamin because I hadn’t decided and I wanted to do but I wanted to do what was right until I had, but every single day it would come back up and I would cry at my own body hating me. My own body had been against me from the very beginning and it killed me. During those weeks you would ask me to come with you to McDonalds and you would sit there and tell me it’s over with her and you want to be with me but we can’t have a child right now. You sat there and told me you loved me and we would be together and have a family the right way but I had to get a termination now. I tried so hard to be strong but I always ended up in tears which made me that much more tired. I could barely stay upright as it was. I was so nauseous, every day I thought I’d pass out trying to get to the bathroom. Chad used to come home during his lunch breaks to find me laying feotal position crying in exhaustion because the nausea meant I never slept, anger for you trying to manipulating me, hunger, sadness, but probably worst of all was the the all consuming love I felt for the baby inside me. I’d been told it wasn’t possible. All I’d ever wanted was to be a mum and there were so many obstacles in the way but there she was, innocent in all of this. Perfect. But you didn’t care. She was your obstacle, she was an inconvenience to you and that made you determined to get what you wanted. I most likely would have come to that decision anyway because right now I can’t imagine having a family with anyone else except for Chad, he’s my soul mate. The problem I have is that the decision wasn’t mine. It was a manipulation. I can’t come to terms with what happened because I know I didn’t make that decision for myself. I respect her memory every single day and every single decision I’ve made since has been so one day I’ll be ready for her. That day you took me to the pregnancy advisory centre, I couldn’t fight anymore, I’d given in to your manipulation. I was so tired and sore and hurt, I needed you to take care of me, you’d been in my life for so long and I momentarily forgot everything else, in that moment I just needed you to make it okay. It was only supposed to be an initial consultation. I’d been there before, I knew the drill. I knew in the back of my head I still had a little time for a sign from the universe, something that would tell me it’s okay and I’d be at peace with it because it would have been my decision. But they had a cancelation and of course I’d already been fasting, I hadn’t eaten for weeks. It was happening too fast and you were right there looking so happy that there was no way out. I couldn’t tell you no and that I needed more time. We both know how that would have gone down. All of a sudden there’s a nurse putting an IV in my arm and I’m crying asking for you but you’re not there. I’m all alone. And before I know it, she’s taken from me. Sucked from me with a medical vacuum cleaner like she’s nothing but she was my everything. And I’m awake and I’m still crying for you, I’m yelling at nurses to get you but it’s like they can’t hear me, begging them to bring you here, trying to get up and not being able to feel my legs. Watching people walk past me like nothing happened and I have nothing to be upset about because I came here, you didn’t put a gun to my head. It was a different type of gun and it was pointing at my heart and when she was taken from me I had nothing. Eventually someone brought me out to see you and I can’t believe what I’ve done. I’m crying and you told me you loved me, I didn’t know it would be for the last time. I had no idea just how alone I really was. She was gone, and the next day so were you.

And it’s really only because of Chad that I’ve come out on the other side better than ever. Instead of putting the pieces back together for me, he gave me the time and understanding I needed to put myself back together in a new way and become a better person. Have I made mistakes, fuck yes, but who hasn’t. I can’t regret a single second of it because it’s all what got me to now and I’m the best version of myself right now. I never thought I’d actually make it to 21 and here I am and I actually want to be here. For me.

#mystoryisntoveryet #schizoaffective #disorder #pregnancy #miscarriage #termination #domesticviolencesurvivor #recovery

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rothjuje · 4 years

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BIRTH STORY

After all the drama that was my “dynamic” cervix (meaning it fluctuated in length, I didn’t even know that was a thing, anyway) I ended up needing pitocin. The mag drip had stopped my contractions so I needed pitocin to get things moving (my preeclampsia was so bad that I had to be on mag throughout labor and for a day after the birth).

Before they started pitocin, I was strongly encouraged to get a catheter (they don’t want you walking while on mag) and an epidural (in case I needed an emergency c-section). I refused both. Refusing that epidural was hands down the worst decision of my life but I had no idea what was about to go down. All I thought was if I could push out a 7 lb baby, 3 pounders should be no issue at all. But it wasn’t the babies, it was the placentas. They were adhered onto the walls of my uterus.

Okay. I’m going to fast forward through how awful the pitocin was and how a 16 had me begging for mercy. Finalllllly I was fully dilated (to an 8 because the babies were so small) and they could finally break my water (they couldn’t before because they were worried about wiggle room and a fragile limb falling out first). So they break my water and that’s when things really start to go downhill.

Two different teams of NICU staff needed to be in the room when I delivered (you deliver twins in the OR irregardless). They thought I was going to go fast so they told NICU staff to plan for 11:30 to midnight. But when the doctor had to manually break my water she changed her mind and told them it would probably be more like 1:30-2:00 am instead. Well. She was wrong. Shortly after they broke my water and the babies weren’t moving down, my nurse made me sit up at a 90 degree angle. Within 5 minutes I felt like there was a literal rock in my vagina. I asked them to check me even though I had just been checked and then I had to convince them for another 5 minutes and by then it was an emergency. It’s now around midnight, babies have descended, and no one is en route to the OR. My doctor and nurse quickly roll my bed down to the OR paging people on the way.

We get to the OR. It’s huge. It’s empty. They transfer me to a glorified bench and tell me I absolutely cannot push. Justin and my mom weren’t even scrubbed up yet. It’s just me, the doctor, and the nurse and my nurse is holding my legs together trying to talk me down while I regret every decision I’ve ever made. After what felt like an eternity my mom and Justin came in. I hate Justin’s face during labor. It is the worst. Just so cheery and dreadful. Like he just gets to eat popcorn and watch his babies come out while I limbo existentially between life and death. Anyway.

After another eternity the NICU staff gets there and I can push. Babies fly out as expected. Genevieve is born at 12:37 am, 3 lbs 8 oz. Little George is born at 12:45 am, 2 lbs 10 oz. They were perfect and breathing and crying and pink and okay and I was so relieved I could finally breathe. For a minute.

The placentas are stuck and I am hemorrhaging. On zero pain meds, my doctor is shoving her entire forearm (Justin said he could only see her elbow) to pick out piece after tiny piece of adhered placenta. The pain is beyond excruciating. During this, my IV (that had held on for 3 weeks while on bedrest) fails and they can’t get the crazy medicine that had to be administered by two people in to stop the bleeding. So they’re doing another IV and I’m screaming because I hate needles and they think they’re going to need to do a blood transfusion so they’re sticking in an absolutely giant IV and IV fluids are leaking from my old IV site and the doctor needs my bladder empty so she jams some red rubber catheter up there and I scream some more all while bleeding out. After 30 minutes I finally think to ask for some pain meds and they give me a narcotic that barely took the edge off and she’s pressing into my abdomen to try to get the bleeding to stop and nothing is working and finally after NINETY MINUTES she stops fisting me and everything is okay, no transfusion needed. She had her entire forearm up there for the majority of 90 minutes. No epidural. Can you imagine?

***

Okay. So after my last post I had three good, consecutive sleeps and I felt much better. Not back to normal, but better.

Thanks for all of the kind messages. I had never heard of EMDR before but it sounds like everything I’ve ever wanted from therapy. I wonder if it can help with some of the trauma I still hold from my sister’s death.

I am really looking forward to therapy. I want to find a new (female) therapist and also one that specializes in EMDR. I am ready for the spring and being outside with the kiddos and I want to garden with Alyssa this year, working the earth just sounds so therapeutic to me currently. We ordered a playhouse and my FIL is gonna help Justin set it up next weekend and Alyssa and I are thrilled. I’m already looking at paint colors. Ugh I’m such a mom. My big life excitement right now is a fucking playhouse.

The babies are doing GREAT. We have been free from the hospital for 5 weeks now and it feels fantastic. I think we made it. We’re all home, we’re all healthy. It feels too good to be true. Thank you Universe. Thank you thank you thank you.

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seriouslyblacklikemysoul · 4 years

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An Ephemeral Eternity in Seven Parts - Steve Rogers x Reader.

MASTERLIST Warnings: Gifs aren’t mine. My English. Word Count~ 3.3k.

Part I Part II Part III Part IV

PART V

How ephemeral life was? How was it that its fleeting beauty meant more as her life came to an end? Why hadn't she stopped to look around her before? Why had she been troubled with thoughts of suicide? Why did people come to value their lives just before they die? She felt so small in such a huge universe, she never liked being a pone to someone's game. But there she was; she would be their downfall. He had expected her to flee - he had planned everything so no one could ever leave. For the first time, she thought of herself as stupid enough not to have seen through. She hadn't question herself, she hadn't used her powers, she had listened to her mind and it turned out to be the stupidest of things. Never again, she thought but chuckled lightly. It wasn't going to be a next time. She wasn't worried she was going to die - maybe the opposite, really. She was worried about them. She knew they would all come, she knew what he wanted to see - an empire fall, he had said. All the years with Madam B. and HYDRA seemed to offer nothing now. She had already given up. If there was one thing she could wish for, that would be for her father not to over-react when he would found out. But she knew that it was just wishful thinking. " If it's any comfort, they died in their sleep. Did you really think I wanted more of you?" Zemo's cold voice pierced through the speaker and her entire body tried to stop the chills. They were here already. They didn't realize it was a trap, she thought. "What the hell?" Bucky said confused but she tried to get his attention with a muffled scream. He turned his head towards the direction but saw nothing. It was too dark. "I'm grateful to them, though. They brought you here... Well, she plays a huge part too" his arrogant voice informed them while he appeared in the control room and illuminated one of the capsules with her inside, tied and muffled. Three pair of eyes were staring at her in terror. Steve hurled his shield to Zemo but it flied back. Tony tried to blast the capsule but it remained perfectly untouched. "Please, Captain. The Soviets built this chamber to withstand the launch blast of UR-100 rockets" he remarked, making her blood boil and little by little regaining fragments of her powers. She needed time to recover from whatever he had injected her with. "I'm betting I could beat that" Tony said without taking his eyes off of his daughter. "Oh, I'm sure you could, Mr. Stark. Given time. But then you'd never know why you came" he went on, stalling them on purpose. She had to break free before he played the damn video. Concentrating every bit of her power to one sole thing - she had to break the capsule if she wanted to help them. She heard the video playing and she realized it would be now or never. For better or for worse, it was now. They heard the explosion and saw a purple color piercing through the room. The moment she got out, it was already too late. Tony lunged towards Bucky but Steve stopped him. She run towards them hoping she could help, but she just made it worst. "Dad, stop" she tried to calm him down. He seemed happy she was okay but he was too lost in his own little world. He looked at Steve, with tears glistening in his eyes. "Did you know?" he simply asked. How was she gonna tell him she knew too? "I didn't know it was him" Steve tried to smooth things over but he wasn't having it. Steve moved towards her, something that aggravated Tony even more. "Don't bullshit me, Rogers! Did you know?" he demanded again. She whispered a no but she wasn't heard. "Yes" Steve answered truthfully with remorse in his eyes. Tony stepped back, his chin was jutting upwards twitchy. He reengaged the Iron Man helmet and punched Steve to the floor while deflecting gunfire from Bucky, disarming him. He grabbed Bucky and flied him across the chamber. "Tony stop, stop. He wasn't himself" she was screaming but her words meant nothing. An angry answer came back to hunt her. "You are not my daughter" he said coldly as he slammed Bucky onto the floor and proceed to jump on his arms. Steve's shield hit him and she used her powers to put some space between him and Bucky by pushing him away. A blast from Tony sent her flying across the room, hitting her head and causing her to remain down.

Steve barged him backwards, Tony shouldered him to the floor and shackled his ankles. Bucky punched Tony, who just lifted him and slammed him against a machine. Tony raised a fist but Bucky twisted it. She got up, trying to regain her strength and decided to wait, just a moment. She had hoped that they would behave like grown up men, not like children, but no one was stopping. She didn't know if someone was to blame, but Tony wasn't making things easier. Neither was Steve. Bucky pushed them both from the walkway, while Steve jumped into them to deflect their fall. Bucky landed on a platform while Tony and Steve landed on the concrete floor besides an opening in the wall where snow drifted in from outside. She followed them, using her powers to mild the fall. "This isn't gonna change what happened" a bloody and messy Steve offered for the last time. "I don't care. He killed my mom" Tony answered as if he was ten. "What about my mom, huh? And what about my dad, Tony? What about me?" she asked him, out of the blue, distracting all of them with her wounded appearance but fierce eyes and jolts of power rushing through her veins, creating lightings in her fingertips. Steve looked at her as if she was God. One look like that could ruin or rescue, depending on which fairy tales they read, but she had never believed in them. Eyes like those could never lie, he thought, so when he looked at her, he saw all the devastation he would cause in her name, and all the inevitability of their demise, and all the people who chose peace over passion. To hell with peace. She felt like a hurricane or a lightning strike. Love should leave no survivors. He made a silent promise to her. If they got out of there alive, if they ever saw each other again, he wouldn't let her go. She saw that in a single glance. "You chose your side when you slept with him" he simply barked at her and she felt all the anger in the world building up in her. "You don't get to talk to her like that" Steve threatened him. They traded punches but Tony ended up pinning Steve down. Bucky picked up the shield and leaped down to help while he told her to get out. Tony managed to zap Steve who was thrown back into the wall and blow away Bucky's metal arm. Tony raised his left palm ready to fire but Bucky grabbed his leg and Tony spun, kicking him in the face. Steve grabbed Tony and lifted him over his head, throwing him down, punching him and bashed his mask off with his shield before striking down hard on the suit's core. Tony looked horrified and glowered fearfully at Steve who panted for breath. Both had blood spattered across their faces. She couldn't stand it anymore. Every time she tried to push them apart, a blast sent her down. She took a deep breath and let out a cry of anger and agony, releasing every bit of her powers as Steve was sent flying away from Tony, with the concrete walls cracking from her powers. They looked at her in terror and awe. Steve's shield was stuck in the center of the Iron Man Suit. Looking at her, as if he was asking permission, Steve took hold of the shield, gripping the edge and pulling it free. She stepped closer to Bucky who was there, bloodied but conscious. She mouthed an apology but he was just looking at her, never wanting an apology from her. There was nothing she could do about it anymore. She knew things wouldn't be the same. But she had things to say before each took their separate ways.

"You are all children, punching and throwing down one another because you cannot use your minds. How mature and heroic you guys are... Guess what Tony... you're not the only who lost a mother but you don't see us running around looking for revenge now do you? I am sick of this. You have disappointed me and let me down with your stupid decisions. You were right, I am not your daughter, Tony. And Steve, I am not your girl. You had to fight for that, not fight my father. And Bucky, I am sorry" she poured her final thoughts and left them trying to understand how was it that she had become the wiser of them all.

With nothing but an idea, she walked away, never even daring to look back to what she might have lost. Her mind was empty but her heart was squeezing in a painful way that made her want to get rid of it all together. But she knew that they needed time and she was wiling to remove herself form the game if that meant they would come to terms with the past. She also knew, deep down, that they didn't have the time they needed but she chose not to say anything. Her powers were sensing a greater threat but her mind was always trying to help the situation already before her. She had to be the one to step back because no one else would. And it was too much watching her family fight one another. She felt the desperation sinking in. The darkness and the cold taking over. No one would tell her fairytale. Of how girls can be dangerous and still win. This world, she thought, is only capable of digesting the stories where girls are sweet and kind and reject all sin. Maybe it was terrifying, a tale about a woman who knew exactly what she was doing when she invited the wild in, a story of a powerful individual knowing when to retreat and when to attack. She smiled at the thought of Steve promising her a future just with his eyes. But the universe never promised her this would be easy. She knew it because she was the hero of her story. And heroes were meant to be forged golden from the blaze. She would rise again from the shards her family left of her. She would take on her demons and kill them. She would break all the chains that had been brutally placed on her. And she would do show while showing everyone else that she was the person they thought she would never be. She wouldn't give up on herself, ever again. She was made out of steel.

It had been months. She hadn't received any calls from Tony, not that she expected to. She kind of hoped that Steve would reach out but it hadn't happened. It was easy for her to hide in plain sight and nothing was quite new. Last month a weird looking guy had offered her to help her tame her powers. Ironically enough his name was Strange. She had nothing to lose and so she had agreed. It wasn't that bad, he was so tense all the time but other than, she didn't mind. He provided her with anything she needed and she was free most of the time to go outside Sanctum Sanctorum. She had to be honest; having the time-stone keeper to teach her how to master her powers had been helpful, showing her there were more to it than she believed. She had understood the origins of the powers, found out that she was just a host to them but somehow those ancient forces of nature liked her enough to let her use them. She understood Wanda's powers as well.

She was strolling around the streets with a beer in her hand, trying not to think about them; it was just before midnight and the night was cold but she didn't really care. Why was it that difficult not to think of him? Why were his eyes constantly messing up her mind? "Damn you, Rogers" she whispered to herself, but destiny had another plan. "You're right" a soft but ragged voice came behind, making her forget everything she ever learnt. She just froze, believing she would never hear that voice again. She didn't turn. "I am so sorry. Please, come back" his voice was softer and more broken this time as she finally turned to face him. It might have been dark but she would find his eyes even without her sight. He was different. It had cost him a lot. "I like the beard" she commented shortly after. He offered her a small smile but his eyes were burning with one question while taking her figure in. She had changed to. She nodded to him to follow her as she disappeared into an abandoned building, one that she had found out it existed when she was looking for any relatives from her mother’s side. He did, without asking why. It was an old, aristocratic mansion, with elegant and delicate furniture. Everything seemed to be in place, like nothing had been moved in ages. She saw his puzzled eyes and smiled. How easy was to fall for him again? She climbed the huge, marble staircase to the attic. They didn't talk, not even a word but his eyes hadn't left her. He felt like they were invading, something she noticed. "Don't worry, no one is gonna come here. You can sit wherever you like" she offered as she plopped down the bed. He carefully sat down too, so close to her, he could smell her perfume. "We are not supposed to be here, are we?" he asked while he was still taking in his surroundings. Everything felt as if the owners were about to return from a walk in the park. She looked deep in his eyes. He was her Steve. She took a sip from her beer, offering the bottle to him. He gladly drunk. "Well, the grandmother died a while ago, the mother was murdered and the daughter is right in front of you. So technically, I am exactly where I am supposed to be" she honestly told him, tired of hiding herself from the one person she wanted to talk to for hours. He was left looking at her in complete amazement. She chuckled at his perplexed expression and before she could think about it too much, she reach out and caressed his beard with her slender fingers. It was the luck of breath and the electricity that caused her heart to beat a bit too loud and his eyes to travel to her lips before settling on her eyes. "Walking away was one of the hardest things I have ever done, Steve. How can I ever come back?" she finally told him, her hand still cupping his cheek. He glanced at her and all it took was one god-damn look for them to feel even more desperate the burning need. He gave in - her eyes were too intense for him, too honest. "In my dreams, I am kissing you and you're whispering 'where have you been?' and if I try to answer you disappear. I know that it will be hard for you to come back. I know that what I am asking is selfish and by asking you to come back with me you would be against Tony. I never got the chance to apologize for the overwhelming amount of pressure I placed upon your arms which caused you to act like you did when Bucky found you. I am sorry for every scar I have caused" he rambled on and on. She knew he was stressed and she also knew that it wasn't his fault. They were so close, his breath falling hot upon her face, his new, darker look made her weak at the knees, all the time she spent trying to get over him meant absolutely nothing now that he was in front of her. He let down the bottle and played with strand of her hair. It was longer. "You know that I nearly missed every word you said?" she whispered, leaning in just a bit. She wasn't doing anything on purpose. His breath became deeper. "And why is that?" he questioned, already knowing the answer, as he too leaned towards her. She knew it probably was stupid but she didn't really control herself that moment. "I was wondering if it has change" she faintly said, out of breath with her heart hammering in her chest, loud enough for him to hear. His eyes were roaming her face, trying to carve every detail in his mind. She was still the person he first fell in love with, only stronger. Her eyes held secrets he knew that hurt her. He couldn't muster the strength to ask her 'what', he just mouthed it. His hand was already wrapped around her waist, bringer closer to him, heat and power radiating from her body. "The way you kiss me" she replied before their lips collided into a battle of agony and lust. It had changed, she thought. They were more desperate, more needy, more angry, more passionate, more fierce. There was a burning anticipation in his tongue that slipped through hers and went right to her heart. They craved each other more than before and it took her by surprise how gentle but strong he was. To hell with peace, she thought. His hands roamed her body, slowly undressing her - before he removed every piece of clothing, he looked at her for permission. It had been a long time since that night. He didn't want to rush things, he wanted to treat her exactly as she deserved but she wasn't having it. There was a burning need to feel him, to be with him, to hold him and love him. Her bones craved him. He hadn't planned it; he wasn't even sure she would talk to him. Seeing her for the first time in months was too much. She wore darkness and gold and she looked like the Goddess of the Underworld, like Persephone, with roses in her hair and magic in her veins. She was nor a God, neither a monster; she had indeed told him the truth that day, she was a monstrous God. With every kiss and every bite, every scratch that left behind a map to their bodies, the night gave its place to another morning, which for a while at least, was peaceful. Right before they fell asleep, she whispered five small words that would never leave his heart. Ever. And he said four in return but she was already asleep. "I think I love you". "I know I do".

Taglist: @accio-rogers @coffee-with-orion @moli1497 @stydia-4-ever @smilexcaptainx

#captain america imagine #steve rogers imagine #captain america #Steve Rogers #steve rogers fanfiction #steve rogers x reader #captain america fanfiction #captain america x reader #The Avengers #avengers imagine #tony stark imagine #tony stark x reader #bucky barnes imagine #the winter solider imagine #james bucky barnes

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88missmarauder88 · 5 years

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Sirius x Reader / Remus x Reader -- Part IV

SO SORRY for the delay. Already working on Part V, so it won’t be far behind! And if I’ve forgotten anyone in this tag list, please message me and let me know!

Tag List: @ideas-nocturnas , @evyiione , @a-hopelessly-imaginative-girl , @intense-sneezing , @ghostlyrose2 , @peasantview , @la-fille-en-aiguilles , @toasterking , @too-involved , @onthebroadway , @comebackanothertime , @hfflpffs-shit , @actually-a-tree , @ohhowthetableshaveturnedd , @justducky0423

"I'm really not in a party mood, Lily."

You slumped against the railing at the top of the staircase leading to Gryffindor Tower. For someone who'd been unconscious for the better part of two days, you were exhausted. All you wanted was to crawl into your own bed and stay there. Possibly permanently. Or at least until Sirius and Remus were both graduated and married. Not that they'd ever be able to find girls good enough for them, of course, but-- Merlin's pants, were you actually jealous of fictional girls now?

"Don't frown so, my dear!" the Fat Lady chirped. "You'll develop wrinkles!"

"No offence, but that could not be lower on my list of concerns right now," you grumbled.

"Y/N, I know how you feel, I really do. On all accounts," Lily sighed, leaning over the railing beside you.

"Then please just tell them I'm ill. And cursed. And transferring to Beauxbatons."

"You know better than I do that if I said you were ill, they'd go into nursemaid mode again, and I will not have Sirius Black playing harmonica in my dorm room. Besides, it's not just them. The whole House is waiting."

You groaned. "All right, here's the plan. We go in, you shout that Marlene's about to get her kit off, and I escape while everyone's distracted."

"No. For two reasons. Firstly, because Marlene would actually take that as a cue to get her kit off, and secondly, because you have got to talk to Sirius. The longer you let it go, the worse things are going to get for the two of you and for Remus. And I know you don't want to hurt Remus, Y/N."

"Oh I do adore a triangle amoureux!" the Fat Lady gasped. "But you'll of course choose the Lupin boy... such a fine, polite lad. That Black, on the other hand--"

"Do you mind?" you snapped.

"Well!" the portrait sniffed. "Forgive me for attempting to offer my counsel as someone older, wiser, and--"

"Nosier, yes, we know." You turned back to Lily. "And no, I don't. The last thing in the world I want to do is hurt Remus. But what if I'm wrong about all of it, Lily? I'll just end up making an arse of myself, and they'll both never look at me the same way again."

"And what if you're right? All the wondering and worrying will be over, and by tomorrow, you could be looking across the breakfast table at the love of your life."

You desperately did not want to allow yourself to get carried away by daydreams, but you couldn't ignore the slight flutter in your stomach at the thought. Maybe you were just misreading Remus. Maybe his odd behaviour was a side effect of his more difficult transformations. Maybe he was nervous about whether or not the boys' animagus plans would work, or that you'd find out what they'd done and be angry.

Maybe Lily was right, and in a few hours, you could finally look into those maddening grey eyes and not be terrified about what they might see in yours.

You turned to Lily with a shrug and a grudging smile you couldn't quite fight off. "Your eternal optimism is contagious."

"Hooray!" she cried, bouncing on the balls of her feet. "Now we just have to figure out how to get you two alone in a room full of people."

"One of those people being Remus," you said, your brow furrowing again.

"Ignore the remainder of my sage advice if you wish, but you truly must stop scowling, child," the Fat Lady interjected. "One cannot hope to achieve a pleasing visage by constantly giving one's countenance over to gloom. Surely you've noticed my flawless complexion?"

"Which I reckon has nothing at all to do with the fact you're a painting."

"My but aren't you a cheeky sprite. Perhaps you're a bit more suited to the Black boy after all..."

"Oh, Sir Cadogan! The Fat Lady was just telling us how she'd love to hear the tale of your triumph over the Wyvern of Wye again!"

"Why, you little--!"

"KNICKERBOCKER GLORY!!" Lily shouted. The Fat Lady huffily swung aside, and Lily shoved you through the hole in the wall and into the Gryffindor common room.

"Honestly, Y/N, you and Sirius do give that poor woman more grief..."

"She started it!" you began, but you were quickly cut off.

"WELCOME BACK TO CONSCIOUSNESS!!"

The entirety of Gryffindor House bellowed out their greeting in unison, and you couldn't help but smile. All the turmoil within your group of closest friends had cast a shadow over the joy that usually accompanied returning to Hogwarts for a new year. But the warm, familiar faces who came rushing over to pat you on the back or pull you into a hug put you unexpectedly at ease, and you found yourself thinking you might just be in a bit of a party mood after all.

You scanned the room and found three-quarters of the Marauders introducing a large crowd to a table laden with butterbeer and firewhisky. Lily, meanwhile, had made a beeline in that direction, and she and Remus were now engaged in frantically attempting to snatch bottles and cups out of the hands of wide-eyed first and second years.

"Some seeker you are!" Gideon Prewett grinned, ruffling your hair.

"Right!" his twin, Fabian, chimed in. "How are you ever going to spot that wee little Snitch if you can't even see a bloody bludger heading straight for your noggin!"

You wrapped an arm around each of the Gryffindor chasers' necks before giving a sharp tug, knocking their heads together. They joined you in laughter, and you allowed yourself to be led off to the sofa in front of the fire, where you proceeded to drown your anxiety in blissfully uncomplicated chatter with the Prewetts, Marlene, Frank, Alice, and Emmeline. This was the Hogwarts you'd been missing, and you sank back into the soft cushions, determined to enjoy it while it lasted. No decisions, no choices; just the firelight, reflecting off the Prewetts' collar-length ginger hair till it danced like the flames themselves as they took turns doing rather spot-on impressions of Slughorn and Kettleburn. Just Marlene, endearingly loud and brash, vying not-so-subtly for one of the Prewetts' attention... or both, you couldn't rightly tell. Frank and Alice, stealing glances and touching hands when they thought no one was looking. Worst-kept secret at Hogwarts, but it was sweet the way they still assumed nobody knew. Emmeline, shy and quiet, but always beaming, enjoying the company.

After a half-hour or so, however, you felt a light tap on your shoulder.

"Could you give me a hand over here, Y/N?"

Reluctantly, you joined Lily at the base of the staircases and, with effort, fought down the urge to sprint up to your room and away from whatever was about to happen. You'd been contemplating telling her to forget the whole thing, that getting involved with any of your friends was a daft idea and you'd changed your mind. But watching Frank and Alice, you couldn't help but think... was it so bad to want something like that for yourself?

"There he is," Lily whispered, bumping her elbow into your side and nodding towards the far window. Two armchairs sat facing it, and over the back of one, you could see the top of Sirius's head. The other, you noted with a hint of nausea, was empty.

"You're not going to get a better opportunity."

"I know."

"Are you ready?"

"Nope."

"How do you feel?"

"Like I've just been hit by the Knight Bus."

"Well... none of that is good, but I don't think it's going to get better until this is over, so... break a leg, love."

"I'd much rather."

With a deep breath, you somehow prompted your cold, numb legs to carry you towards the window. Dropping onto the empty armchair, you sat stiffly on the edge of the cushion, staring into the darkness beyond the window. Your limbs felt like they'd been starched, but you did your best to assume a casual position, realising you probably looked more like someone had tossed aside a marionette instead. Your throat was parched, and you glanced longingly at the drinks table for a moment before biting down on your bottom lip and clutching the arms of the chair in an attempt to focus. You were a right mess, and you couldn't go on like this. It was now or never.

You turned towards Sirius, who was looking at you quizzically, his eyes dark in the dim light. You forced your voice to manifest, and it sounded just as croaky as you'd figured it would. Fuck.

"Hey, you."

"WELCOME BACK TO CONSCIOUSNESS!!"

James turned from the crate of butterbeer he was unloading in time to see you smiling at your assembled classmates. He immediately glanced to his right and left.

Sirius had a bottle of Blishen's in his hand; slowly, he lowered it to the table, his eyes fixed intently on you. Sighing, James turned to Remus, who had dropped the empty cups he'd been trying to fill with punch before Sirius could fill them with firewhisky. Pity he didn't know Sirius had already spiked the punch. Remus looked as if he were about to hyperventilate as he stared at you, and James rubbed his eyes wearily with the heels of his palms. It was going to be a long night.

Remus barely registered the sound of the stack of empty cups he'd been holding hitting the floor. You were smiling, and you were beautiful when you smiled. Not that you weren't beautiful when you didn't smile... you were beautiful all the time and... a bit extra beautiful when you smiled?

Well, that clinched it. He was not cut out for this.

Worse than that, he felt like he'd already ruined things between the two of you without even saying a word. You were his best friend, for Merlin's sake. If this were last year, he'd be bounding over to you right now, scooping you into a bear hug, and the two of you would spend the rest of the night laughing and swapping chocolates and taking wagers on when, where, and after how many firewhiskys James would pass out. Instead, you were chatting with the Prewett twins, and he was standing here like a numpty and sweating.

At least you looked happy to see everyone; Remus had worried you'd just want to go to bed after finally getting out of hospital. Frankly, he'd wanted to do the same after confessing his feelings to the lads. The walk back to the castle had been unusually quiet, but James had seemed adamant that if Remus intended to let you know how he felt, the sooner would be the better.

"Remus!"

Remus jumped, startled out of his thoughts, and inadvertently kicked a few empty cups across the floor. They were immediately snatched up by a delighted-looking pair of fourth years, who dunked them into the punch and began guzzling. A bit of a line had formed at the punch bowl. At least some people appreciated a nice, simple beverage. He glanced up to see Lily rushing towards him.

She pointed angrily to Remus's right, and, as per usual, Remus found James and Sirius at the end of that finger. They were cheerfully waving everyone over to the drinks table like social directors on a holiday cruise.

"The third years can have butterbeer -- to a point -- but they can not have firewhisky, and the first and second years can't have anything other than punch..."

Remus didn't in the slightest feel like spending the evening playing cup-and-bottle cop, but neither did he want to let Lily down. He glanced behind him as he plucked a firewhisky out of the hands of a second year to see you making your way towards the sofa, arms around the Prewetts, whom Remus suddenly and irrationally hated.

On second thought, he could use a distraction.

Sirius halted midway through filling a cup with firewhisky to watch as the irritated look on your face when you first entered the common room slowly melted into a smile.

You had rather a lot of smiles. This one was genuine; you looked a bit relieved and happy to see everyone, and Sirius was glad of that. He hadn't figured you'd be in a party mood, but you were good at adjusting when the situation called for it. Then there was the polite smile you reserved for professors and casual acquaintances. The slightly pained smile when you wished someone would go away but were too nice to put it out there. Two others were high on his list of favourites: the truly delighted one always lit up your eyes and reminded Sirius of the girl he'd met five years ago; the wicked grin that usually preceded a great prank idea excited him for a growing variety of reasons.

But there was one smile in particular Sirius liked to think was his and his alone. At least, he'd never seen it directed at anyone else. It was rather like the childlike one but mixed with a complete sort of ease that seemed to indicate you were precisely where you wanted to be in that moment. He'd almost started to let himself believe that, just maybe, where you wanted to be was with--

"Finished with that, mate?" James asked, studying Sirius's face as he gently took the bottle of Blishen's from his hand. Sirius blinked a few times, then grinned.

"Yep. All done with it."

He cast a glance your direction and made a quick mental note to put itching powder in the Prewetts' Quidditch gear tomorrow. Then he spread his arms wide.

"Come and get it, lads and lassies! Drinks are on the Marauders tonight!"

James popped open another butterbeer and surveyed the common room.

Remus was sitting on a desk near the portrait hole, pretending to listen to Peter, who was on another rant about his failed attempts to use Engorgio to make himself taller. Remus's heels were battering nervously off the legs of the desk as he stared at you on the couch, and he looked as if he might vomit at any given moment. Fantastic.

Sirius was sitting alone in one of the armchairs by the window. He'd forgone the cups and was drinking directly from the last bottle of firewhisky. He'd kicked off his boots, and his hair was a mess. He looked like a rock star coming off a weekend binge. Marvelous.

Meanwhile, the number of little kids passed out in various spots and positions around the room was increasing. Hilarious.

James flopped onto a nearby chair and downed the rest of his butterbeer.

"I hope you're pleased with yourself."

"I generally am, Evans."

Sadly, he didn't have the energy to tack an additional pithy remark onto that. He barely had the energy to lift his eyelids, but he made the effort just to see her glaring at him, one hand on her hip and the other clutching her wand. She was adorable when she was angry.

"Children, drunk. Rubbish, everywhere. About ten school rules, broken. And as usual, you're all present and accounted for when it's time to make the mess, but you'll be nowhere to be found when it's time to clean it up."

Evans was saying something prefect-y, but James's thoughts were louder. Mess. That's what it all was, and he couldn't deal with it by himself anymore. He hadn't had any bloody time to think between what happened in Honeydukes' cellar and now. There was too much to sort out, and he needed help.

"Potter, are you even listening to me?"

"Not in the slightest. Hey, Evans, I need a favour."

"The nerve of you! You are the most selfish, arrogant git I have ever encountered."

"Absolutely right."

"Never giving a fig for anyone else until you need something, and then we're all supposed to jump to attention because the great James Potter snapped his fingers."

"Completely inexcusable."

"You're drunk, aren't you."

"Tremendously, but look, Evans, I'm serious. Will you please at least hear me out?"

Lily looked torn for a moment, but slowly, the redness began to fade from her cheeks, and she sat down primly with a dramatic sigh.

"What do you want, Potter?"

"I know something about some people, and it's some people you know something about too, but you know your something from someone else, and you only know half of it, but I know the other half, so if we put it all together, we might be able to do something."

Lily stared at him, one eyebrow raised. "I can't even put that sentence together."

James sat up in his chair and slapped himself on the cheeks a few times. Not only was this his chance to get another perspective on his problem, it was the first time he could recall that Evans had spent more than a minute talking to him without hexing him and/or storming off. He couldn't blow this.

"Sorry, let me try again. I know that you know that Y/N fancies Sirius and Remus fancies Y/N."

Lily's eyes widened in shock.

"I... erm... well, she... wait -- how do you know I know that?"

James held up his hands, very conscious of the fact she was still holding her wand.

"Please do not hex me. I was asleep in here when the two of you came in, and when I woke up, you were already in the thick of it. I tried, but I couldn't not hear you."

"So you were spying on us!" Lily's wand hand twitched.

"No!" James said quickly. "I told you, I tried not to hear. Either way, though, she's one of my closest friends, Evans. You know I can't abide her hurting. All I want to do is help."

Lily took a deep breath and nodded. "Go on."

"I decided to see if I could suss out how Pads and Moony felt. If it wasn't like she thought, I would've let her know. But it turns out, it's almost exactly like she thought. Remus is definitely in love with her. But... I think Sirius is too."

Lily rubbed her forehead for a moment, eyes squeezed shut, before looking behind her at Remus and Sirius, then back at James.

"She didn't want to get her hopes up about Sirius. And mind you, I'm not a fan, and I don't at all see the appeal, but if it's what they both want... maybe it'd do them both some good. The problem is, she can't stand the thought of hurting Remus."

"That's not the only problem. Apparently, Pads can't either. Moony told us all how he felt earlier, and Sirius said he should go for it with Y/N."

"Perfect," Lily groaned. "Who knew Black was actually noble. So has Remus told her yet?"

"Have you seen him? It's a wonder he hasn't bloody combusted and taken Pete with him."

"Then we have to let Y/N talk to Sirius, Potter. If he decides after hearing her out that he still wants to step aside for Remus, then at least Y/N knows where she stands. I don't want anyone to get hurt either, but it's up to them now. And if Black and Y/N really are in love, they'll find their way to each other no matter what happens next."

James hated feeling like the whole thing was out of his control, but Evans was right. After a moment, he nodded, and she stood and headed towards the couch before pausing and turning back to him.

"Potter?"

"Evans?"

"It's... very nearly human of you to care so much."

James thought his grin might split his face in two as Evans walked off, calling over her shoulder, "Now clean up some of this mess, you irresponsible oaf!"

Why "Hey, you"? Of all the idiotic things you could have said... should you run? Maybe you should just run. He'd think you'd drunk yourself ill, and you could both forget the whole thing. Then again, judging from the empty cups on the floor around him and the nearly empty bottle in his hand, he had an impressive head start on you.

"Ah, the girl of the hour!" Sirius said, raising the bottle of firewhisky in your direction. You took the opportunity to snatch it from his hand and drain the remainder of its contents. Liquid courage and all that.

"Hey, that was--"

"The last of the firewhisky, yes. Sharing is caring."

Sirius gave you a lopsided smile and dropped back into his chair. He was fairly well sloshed, but maybe that was a good thing. You could find out how he felt, and chances were better than average he wouldn't even remember it tomorrow.

"Sirius, can I ask you something?"

"You just did."

Well, this was off to a rousing start. Before you could think of a new angle, a pair of sixth-year girls sauntered past on their way to the drinks table, eyelashes fluttering and lips pouted in Sirius's direction. You looked over to see him watching them; he nodded, and your heart sank. What were you thinking? Every girl at this school but Lily fancied him. Not for the reasons you did, of course... not because they'd peered into all his dark corners and found his truest self hiding in them. But at the same time, would they not give their right arms to be in your position? After all, you were the one sitting next to him as he paid an unusual amount of attention to a hole in his sock. You were his friend. What would you do if you lost that? What if love in this case meant just knowing when to leave well enough alone?

Lily's voice interrupted as clearly as if she'd been whispering in your ear.

"Love is worth taking all the risks in the world for."

"I need to ask you something else. Something important."

Sirius just wanted to go to bed.

The fun of watching Polly Prefect Evans handing out glasses of spiked punch to the first and second years had faded quicker than he'd hoped, seeing as it was the only distraction he had. Now, it was just him and firewhisky, and his head already felt like a swarm of Billywigs was infesting it -- had done ever since Remus blurted out those words in the cellar.

In that instant, Sirius had felt nothing but anger and pain. At first, he'd been angry with Moony. Why did he have to fall in love with you? You were already his best friend; the two of you spent loads of time together, reading, re-reading, talking about bloody reading. Why wasn't that enough? But Sirius was angrier with himself, for getting his hopes up. He'd been telling himself for two years now that whatever changes he thought he was sensing in his feelings for you were nothing but a recipe for disaster. A good way to fuck up friendships. But every time he thought he had himself convinced, that other little voice in his head would bleed through: But what if...?

What if you felt the same way? Surely he wasn't imagining the little glimmer of something in your eyes that hadn't been there before whenever you looked at him... though, considering how quickly you usually looked away, it was hard to tell. But he definitely hadn't imagined the flush in your cheeks in the hospital wing... though, you could have just been self-conscious knowing the lads were staring.

Sirius kicked off his boots and ran his hands through his hair in agitation before taking another long pull off the bottle. This "maybe this" and "except for that" bollocks was driving him round the bend, and just when he was finally thinking he'd worked up the courage to take a chance, here came Remus. And it would be Remus, wouldn't it? Probably always had been. He was the best friend. The book reader. And Sirius was just-- no. It wasn't fair to pretend he'd ever felt beneath Remus in your eyes. You'd never been anything but kind to him. You made him feel valued and understood and accepted. The hang-up was his, but it was one he was beginning to think he'd never get around.

Sirius the devoted friend and confidant would love you till the day he died. Sirius the heir to the House of Black would never put you in the path of the insanity that entailed. Especially not if there was an alternative. Someone who'd be better for you.

Sirius's heart shot into his throat as you tumbled stiffly onto the chair beside him. What the fuck? Was he putting out some sort of misery tractor beam? He quickly took a few more swallows of whisky. You were fidgeting awkwardly all over the chair, clearly nervous, and Sirius had to fight with all the sobriety he had left not to reach over and hold you still. And then never let go.

Instead, he stared dumbly at you until, finally, you glanced over.

"Hey, you."

Shit, did you just say something? His ears were ringing so loudly he couldn't tell... quick, say something back, moron!

"Ah, the girl of the hour!"

What the hell was that?! And did he just toast you?! Merlin's saggy--

You plucked the bottle out of his hand, and all Sirius could do was mumble, "Hey, that was--"

"The last of the firewhisky, yes. Sharing is caring."

Banter. Banter was good. Sirius tried to force a convincing smile onto his face and fell backwards against the cushion; it was either that or fall forwards onto his face at this point. He had lost all control of his motor skills.

"Sirius, can I ask you something?"

"You just did."

That was not the correct use of banter. Fuck. Just don't say anything else. Nonverbal communication only. Bloody hell, was that a hole in his sock? How was he supposed to take care of anyone else if he couldn't even take care of himself? Sirius's train of thought was derailed by a couple of sixth years prancing by, but he nodded, hoping you'd take the prompt to go ahead and ask your question. He also hoped the older girls' faces would stick in those stupid expressions they were wearing. All this rapid blinking and lip puckering... you never did frivolous nonsense like that.

Sirius looked over at you in time to catch that something different in your eyes again and froze.

"I need to ask you something else. Something important."

Not that. Anything but that, Y/N. He couldn't give you the kind of uncomplicated love you deserved. He couldn't keep you safe. And Moony... he'd always been afraid, consumed by that "someone like me can never have a normal life" bullshit. For him to want to tell a girl he loved her was huge. That was the sort of love that was worthy of yours.

Sirius's heart felt like it was shattering as he looked at you. How much fucking firewhisky did it take to not feel anything at all? Don't let her say it. You can't let her say it.

"Can... can it wait till later?" he stammered, tearing his eyes away from yours. "I, erm... I've got a date."

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daughterofluthien · 4 years

Text

Fictober - Day 27

#fictober19 #star wars ot #star wars rebels #hera syndulla #leia organa #i'm really sorry guys i know i haven't posted for awhile #but staying up late working on these has gotten to me a bit and also I'm frantically finishing a Rey cosplay for halloween lol #but anywho have this #(also yes I worked on this for more than one day don't @ me)#also also there should be more hera and leia bonding stories in the world because they have a lot in common and also similar dispositions #my fave angry star wars girls #my fic

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theycallmequeenie · 5 years

Text

Lexie And Happy

Part One

Master List

Happy knew he stepped in it with both feet seeing her grin at him unsure of how she felt he started to get nervous until she spoke.

“Hap, you really mean that?” Her face held an expression that was not easily read by the outlaw but he simply nodded at her question sensing that he was about to be rejected by the young woman. He started mentally beating himself up for even saying anything. He started to pull his hand away from hers but she stopped him, giving just a slight squeeze. Looking back up to her his brown eyes searching her green ones for an hint of what she was about to say next. “Happy, I’m not sure how to react to you saying that. I didn’t even know you saw me that way. I just figured…” A light pink flushed her cheeks as the started to stammer off. That was when Happy realized that she wasn’t rejecting him but that she felt the same way and allowed a soft smile to tug at his lips and gently encouraged her to continue. He knew but he needed to hear her say it. She sighed, squeezing his hand tighter and closed her eyes, “I love you too, Happy. I fell the moment I met you, it just took me a minute to realize it. I think that’s why I admitted I was afraid to you…” A yawn stopped her mid sentence and she let out a soft whimper as a nurse came in with some more pain medication for Lexie. As the nurse gave it to her through her iv she started to drift off and Happy thinking she would probably sleep better without his hand started to pull it away only to be met with a vice like grip and a mostly out of it ‘please no’ from Lexie.

Lexie was kept in the hospital for a couple of days slowly being weened off of all the medications that had been given to her before she was discharged from the hospital and Happy was the one to take her back to her home in Charming. He stayed true to his word when she was first shot and did not leave her side until he got her home.

Over the next few years the two would call each other and spend weekends together. Soon they would discuss moving in with each other and the next possible steps from there but before all that could happen Lexie turned twenty one. This time the party wasn’t a surprise and it was held in charming with basically the entire club invited. What the club didn’t know was that she wouldn’t be partying like a typical twenty-one year old. Happy and Lexie were standing in the bathroom of her little apartment looking at a positive pregnancy test. This put them both into shock.

Lexie looked up at happy, “Dude, the guys are going to kill us…” was all she could mutter before the color drained form her face and her knees gave out. Happy caught her as her knees buckled and scooped her up to carry her over to the bed and sat down with her.

“Little Girl we got this. I know we didn’t plan this but all the best things that happen are unplanned.” he spoke with a low tone and a smirk knowing that her origins were also unplanned. With that she gently elbowed him knowing he was being a smart ass.

Both of their phones ring at the same time Gemma was calling her to see when she was going to be getting to the clubhouse to help set up for the party Happy’s phone call on the other hand was from the local jeweler in charming, letting him know that the ring he had ordered was ready. He was planning on proposing to her tonight knowing that there was a little one on the way just cemented his decision. He kept his call as short as possible as not to tip her off to the surprise.

“That was Gem, I got to get to the clubhouse.” Lexie muttered quietly almost sounding defeated for an unknown reason. Happy frowned at her and pulled her into an embrace,softly reminding her that he loved her and that they were going to have an amazing night tonight.

“We got this Little Girl.” It was all she needed to hear to put the smile back on her face. With that she hurried to ready for the day putting on one of his SAMCRO tees and a pair of motorcycle leggings, which was an outfit she favored when her anxiety would spike. His shirt would always help keep her calm. He used to try to argue over it but now he would simply shake his head and kiss her forehead. He knew it wasn’t a battle he would ever win so he decide there was no point in trying to fight it in his mind.

He walked her to her car and kissed her before he walked over to his bike starting it up to leave. He always let her pull out of the driveway first so that he knew no one would follow her but him. They made the short uneventful trip to the clubhouse and garage which shared the lot which is where they would part ways for awhile while Gemma, the resident biker queen, would have her helping with the decorations for the party that night.

Gemma had been in the loop on Happy’s plans for the night and was trying to orchestrate an extra special little surprise for the both of then involving Lexie’s favorite Elvis song and one of her Uncle Tig’s Brothers Bobby Elvis. He would sing the song for the couple after Happy proposed and with all hope Lex said yes. She had her son Jax who had just been made VP of the club keeping a look out for when Lexie would arrive. He Jumped up and ran inside the clubhouse as soon as Lexie and Happy pulled into the lot to let his mother know that she was there.

Gemma met her all but at her car door smiling, “Happy Birthday, Baby!” She smiled at Lexie pulling her in for a tight embrace. Letting her go Gemma gave her a knowing look but left it at that changing the subject. “Come on we have lots of work to do before tonight.” Lexie smiled and nodded following her into the club house discussing plans for decorations.

Most of the club was inside sitting around the already decorated bar talking as the two ladies walked in. The boys quickly silenced and greeted them which caused Lexie to raise an eyebrow but left it go as most of them just grinned her way and wished her a happy birthday. Smiling she thanked them and went about her way getting to work one making the SAMCRO clubhouse look party ready.

After a few hours Gemma realized she needed more supplies and asked Lexie to go get them for her, to which Lex agreed to do happily. She went an let Hap know and Asked if he needed anything while she was going out, he shook his head and asked her to wait he’d would like to go with her but she shrugged him off saying it was only a quick run to the store, kissed him, and got in her car to leave.

She only made it to the first intersection down the road from the clubhouse and garage, as she was making her way through some one in a SUV blew through it and hit her on the drivers side with enough force to land her car on the passenger side.

Happy hearing the crash felt his stomach drop and the color drain from his face. One of the prospect that knew Lex’s car came running yelling to both Tig and Hap as well as Gem to call for an ambulance. Both the guys ran down the road and tried to pull the bloodied and battered Lex out of her crumpled metal heap that was formerly her car. When Happy and Tig both saw how badly she was hurt and bleeding they both started to tear up, Lexie not really aware of what was going on instinctively reached a hand to her abdomen and whimpered softly before falling into unconsciousness only moments before the ambulance arrived.

Within moments they were being rushing into the ER of Saint Thomas Hospital as they worked on Lexie, one of the hospital’s staff was asking Hap and Tig their relationship to her, if they knew who would be the next of kin and if they knew anything about her medical history. Right away Happy blurted out that he was her finance and that she was pregnant, which cause Tig to stop in his tracks and look at Hap both shocked and confused. After Tig finished giving Lexie’s medical information he looked at Hap.

“You serious? You knocked up my girl?” Tig was looking as stern as he could in the moment, “When were you going to tell me and the rest of the guys?” Happy sighed, running his hand over his face as he sat down in the waiting area.

“Man, we just found out today, and neither of us planned for this to happen, but believe me when I saw I love her more than anything thing and would give anything to be the one laying in there on that stretcher instead of her.” His voice cracked as he placed his head in his hands. Tig Sat beside him and placed around his brothers shoulders, “I never questioned if you loved her brother, hell everyone can see that plain as day and you know the both of us would gladly trade places with her if we had the chance.” was all he said to him.

After about a half an hour the rest of the club showed up to support the two and Lex, all asking if there had been an update given both Tig and Hap shook their heads. There wouldn’t be an update to give for quite sometime. It took several hours for the club and Gemma to be updated and the news wasn’t good. They pulled both Tig and Happy to the side and gave them a summery of the damage done. They listed several broken bones, two in her face and her left leg just above her ankle, a concussion, and confirmed Happy’s worst fear that the impact caused an miscarriage. He tried to stay strong in front of his brothers but inside he was crushed. He asked if she was awake and if he could see her. Their response broke his resolve, they told him that she was awake and aware but she didn’t want to see Happy only her Uncle Tigger.

As Happy stormed off to the parking lot to hit something to get some emotion out Tig all but jogged back to the room Lexie was in terrified because of how she asked for him. All her life she only ever called him that three times today being the fourth and all of them she was terrified herself. As he walked into the room she had been propped up slightly saw him and reached for Tig with the tears running down her face. He knew as soon as he laid eyes on his niece that her not wanting to see Hap was really her not wanting Happy to see her like this. He Gently sat down on the bed with her and held her to him and she wept, mourning the loss of her her and Happy’s little one. Tig did the best he could to comfort her but felt entirely helpless in the situation. He was upset for her knowing that this has to be shredding her heart. Hell it was breaking his seeing her like this knowing the pain she was going through both physically and emotionally.

He pulled away slightly and asked her softly, “Baby, why don’t you want to see Hap? You know he wants to see that you are alright. He’s just worried about you.” He looked her in her bright green eyes waiting for his answer.

Lexie sighed and buried her face in her uncle’s neck softly whimpering, “I can’t let him see me, Tiggy. My body failed at the one thing it was supposed to do. I failed him…” as the words left her mouth she broke into another quieted sob.

Tig pulled her as close to him as he could with out hurting her and just held her as he knew her mindset wasn’t where is should be right now and Happy needed to know this but Tig had no plans of leaving the room until Lexie was able to sleep. For the first time in her existence Tig actually feared she may do something to cause herself harm. After about three hours she finally cried herself out and fell into a deep sleep. Tig carefully slipped off the bed and snuck out of the room. With his only goal being to find Happy before he did something stupid.

Happy had made his way back to the club house and proceeded to drink his way through the bar, after making it about halfway there he ended up in his room by himself straight up ugly crying, fearing the worst about Lexie when he heard knocking on the door. Ignoring it the door opened anyway it was Tig with Jax in tow. Jax had known Lex as long as he could remember. He considered her a little sister and was naturally worried about her as well.

Tig tried his best to sound as callous as he could at the moment, “Look Lowman you need to know how fucked up her head is right now and man up and stop wallowing. She needs you and you need to get your head out of your ass! You want to know what she’s thinking right now?”

Happy looked up startled by Tig’s sudden change in tone and attitude. He raised an eyebrow inquisitively as if to ask but before he could open his mouth to respond verbally Tig cut him off.

“You want to know why she didn’t want to see you? It’s because in her mind she failed you because she lost the kid. She has me so scared for her own well being right now that I wouldn’t even try to come find you until she was sleeping, Hap. She’s not good and she needs you. She needs you to tell her that she didn’t fail you and that you still need her. Now sober your sorry ass up and get over to that damn hospital and be there when she wakes up!”

Happy sat on the edge of the bed wide eyed looking at Tig surprised at what he had just said. It worried him that she may actually be in such a mental state that she would even consider doing something stupid. He decided listening to Tig would be best. As hurt as he was knowing that his woman was taking it so much harder made matters worse for him and possibly helped sober him up a little quicker. He showered as quick as he could trying to get the smell of the bar off of him. Getting dressed he put the ring in the pocket of his Kut and almost ran out of the club house it wasn’t how he planned on asking her but he was still going to ask if not beg her to marry him for one simple reason. As much as she needed him, he needed her all the more.

Before he realized he was at Saint Thomas and heading to the room number that Tig had given to him. He, quietly as possible, peaked into the room to see if she was still asleep and she was, he quietly entered and sat at the foot of the bed. She looked so fragile and broken laying I in that bed. Her eyes were puffy from crying he guessed. As he sat there watching he did his best to figure out why she would feel that she had failed him in any way. He had never been so gentle or caring with anyone ever. He would even venture to say she is all he has ever wanted in a wife and old lady. He started tearing up again sitting there watching her hoping she would wake soon, as all he wanted to do was hold her and help her through this the best he could.

As he sat saying a silent prayer and watching the beautiful woman laying in that hospital bed, he knew physically she would be okay but no one knew when or if she would get past this horrid day. She started to stir as if finally smelling the scent of him. Her eyes opened and as they adjusted to the low lighting she made out who was sitting at her feet and the tears started all over again. She did her best to curl up away from him refusing to make eye contact. This hurt him but it worried him more.

“Little Girl, please look at me…” He paused waiting to see if she would but when she didn’t he continued. “Alexandra. If you won’t face me then you will listen to me. What happened today does not mean you failed me in anyway. Hell the fact you feel that way means I failed you. I failed in showing you that my love isn’t going anywhere. In fact,” He pauses and pulls the velvety ring box its place next to his heart and moved around to where she would have to look at him, taking her left had, kneeling as best he could, and opening the box, “This isn’t how I planned this. I wanted to ask you in front of our family at your party tonight after Bobby’s surprise, but would you marry my crazy old ass?”

As she looked the the ring she saw that it had been custom made it was a simple sterling silver sickle wrapped into the ring shape with a deep blue diamond in the center where the handle and blade met. Lexie looked at him, at first with a glare for using her proper first name but softened. Looking at the ring knowing that he had to have had that made for specifically for her. She nodded her shaky from all she had been through that day.

She gave him a weak smile and spoke, “One condition, Old Man. No more parties for me thrown by the Sons. Like ever…” She gave a weak chuckle and then grabbed at her bruised ribs. He laughed softly at her trying to joke uncertain if she would ever be back to being okay as he knew her. He knew she came from a strong family and was raised by an even stronger woman, that being Gemma, But something in her eyes told him that something was still not right….

To Be continued….

Part Three

#happy lowman #HappyxOFC #happy loman fanfiction #sons of anarchy #sons of anarchy fanfiction #soa fandom #soa fanfiction #soa #HappyxLexie

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weartirondad · 6 years

Text

And You Would Smile (And That Would Be Enough) 1/6

5 times Tony helps pull Peter away from an anxiety built cliff and the 1 time Peter is on his own. (part ii, part iii, part iv, part v, part vi)

FF.net I ao3

i. The Real Deal

“Need help with that tie?”

“Nah”, he called back to his mentor, eyes never leaving his reflection in the full length mirror in his room. He was sure he looked ridiculous with his dress shirt only halfway tucked into the waistband of his pants and his tongue between his teeth as he tried to concentrate on tying the tie in question. “Aunt May helped me learn how to do it for Homecoming.”

He didn’t look up when he heard Tony start snickering from where he was leaning against the doorframe and instead slipped the wide end down through the loop. He then pulled on the wide end and adjusted the knot, taking in his tie tying talents with a frown but ultimately shrugged and decided it would have to suffice.

“Good job, kiddo,” he heard the older man’s voice from behind him and he met his eyes in the mirror as he went to tuck in his shirt. The voice was warm and the smile was proud. Peter beamed up at the man who had gotten it into his head to tell him he did good at least once a day, something about positive reinforcement that he had talked to May about.

Now, his aunt and his mentor being on texting basis was a little worrying but it also meant that they weren’t fighting, so he took their weekly co-parenting meetings in stride and simply enjoyed being fussed over.

The knot wasn’t particularly great, if he was being honest, but knowing Tony Stark – the master of dressing up – approved made him feel a little less nervous about it. With his shirt now successfully tucked in, he started slipping the cuffs the billionaire had insisted he get him, through the holes and closed them up. Once that was done – he had gotten quicker at that – he turned around, taking the navy suit jacket from his desk chair and looked up. His silent Is this okay? was met with a curt nod and another smile.

“You wanna take your Pal?” Tony asked as Peter turned to walk past him and at the glare the teenager shot him, added, “You do know we made this thing so you could carry it with you at all times, right?”

The kid huffed indignantly and it sounded so childlike that Tony couldn’t suppress an amused snort. “I’m not gonna take my anxiety plushy to a Stark Industries party”, he insisted and pushed past his mentor who followed hot on his heels.

“But are you feeling anxious about it?” The question held no malice and no judgement but a concern so genuine that Peter immediately felt bad for his annoyance and he slowed his steps until they were on the same level and he met Tony’s eyes.

“Maybe a little bit,” he confessed, “I mean it’s a pretty official thing and there are going to be a lot of people I can potentially embarrass myself in front. Or worse, I could embarrass you but I’m generally trying not to think about it.”

The billionaire raised his characteristic eyebrow and Peter floundered. “Not in an unhealthy ‘I’m ignoring my anxiety’ way,” he was quick to add, “But I’m trying not to freak out too much and I mean I’ve got you there, right? Why would I need my Ironman plushy when I can have the real deal?”

As it turned out, the perk of a plushy, as opposed to his superhero billionaire mentor, was the fact that no one could call it away to talk to important people. No, his plushy would've stayed by his side when Tony had to leave it for a bit. That had been two minutes ago and he was already regretting his decision, painfully aware of how his thoughts continued to race each other in his mind in self- destructive circles.

The evening had started out so well, too.

They had made their entrance together, a lot less spectacularly than all of Tony’s other entrances to previous events like these but still heart-skippingly exciting for Peter who had never experienced the amount of people and cameras lunging at them as soon as they entered before. He knew that this wasn’t even the worst Tony had experienced and he was incredibly grateful for being tucked into his mentor’s side throughout the ordeal.

The man was fighting the vulture that was the public eye on his behalf, always with a big smile on his face but with a look in his eyes that told them unmistakably what he’d do if they came too close to Peter. And it worked. For the most parts they kept away.

Tony had introduced him to a few influential people after that, highlighting how smart he supposedly was, how he had helped so much in developing the StarkPals and dropping hints here and there to a guy from MIT who, as soon as he got the message, ended up talking to Peter about college choices and his views on their current educational system. It was nice to swap ideas and thoughts on these things with people who came from a different place but had a lot more influence.

Peter wasn’t at Tony’s side all of the time, either. As the host Tony made his rounds through the guests, easily conversing with all of them, charming them and not taking their ass-kissing too seriously. He always made sure to keep himself in Peter’s line of sight, though. The teenager wasn’t even sure if it was done intentionally or if his mentor actually didn’t like leaving him alone any more than he wanted to be left alone.

At some point, though, Peter’s eyes had lost Tony and as soon as he had realized it, he excused himself from the man he was talking to and started searching the crowd for the billionaire. At first it wasn’t too bad. He stood to the sides when other groups passed him, smiled politely at the people and held on to his soft drink.

It started to become a problem after he couldn’t find him for another seven minutes and he could’ve sworn he already went through every part of the location.

Suddenly he became acutely aware of his hands shaking ever so slightly and his enhanced hearing – that he had tried to use to help in locating his mentor – became too much. He knew he was heading dangerously fast for an anxiety induced sensory overload and immediately he tried to step out, hoping the fresh air would help in clearing his head a little bit.

It was just his luck that as he had left the ear-numbingly loud room, a waiter outside tripped which resulted in a cacophony of noises that made him flinch so hard he accidentally crushed the glass in his hands, earning himself worried cries and too many people trying to fuss around him.

God, he couldn’t breathe. There were so many people there suddenly. They were looking at him. At him and his bloody hands and the shards of glass that surrounded him.

Why couldn’t they go away? Why did they have to keep looking?

Where was Tony?

Peter barely suppressed a sob before bolting back inside, not caring for how his hands were burning with small cuts and not reacting when he bumped into other guests who were trying to see what the turmoil was all about. He needed to get out, he needed to get away from everyone.

He could feel all their eyes on them. His whole body was vibrating with humiliation, his eyes were burning with tears he fought back and his legs were shaking with every step he took.

Finally he reached the men’s room. As soon as the door clicked shut behind him, he dropped to the floor, burying his face in his hand, not caring how his blood was starting to color his formerly white shirt bright red.

He was trying to block out everything else but there was too much going on.

The sounds of the chattering guests were coming through the door as if they were screaming directly into his ears. He could smell and taste his own blood that mixed with the tears that were now running down his cheeks freely. The floor was too cold and the heating his back was propped up against was too hot but he couldn’t bring himself to move. At least his eyes he could close but there was still light filtering through, no matter how much he tried to curl in on himself.

There was always more input and it didn’t even stop there.

His mind kept telling him how much of a fool he had just made of himself, how everyone was talking about him now, and how Tony would never ever be able to look at him again. He was a failure. He, Peter Parker, was a good-for-nothing high schooler that had somehow thought he could be worthy of being a superhero and being mentored by Tony Stark himself.

But he was just Peter Parker, who had nothing and who deserved no more and- God, he just wanted it to stop.

Without warning the door to the bathroom stalls opened and the sounds became even louder, prompting Peter to let out a choked sob that he tried to muffle into his knees. He really didn’t want anyone to find him like this. He didn’t want any more eyes on him. He just wanted to go home. He wanted May and Tony.

Tony.

“Pete?” he heard his mentor’s familiar voice call out quietly and another sob escaped his lips as he looked up to find the man rounding the corner and lay eyes on the miserable kid in the corner furthest from the door.

“Oh Peter.”

Suddenly he was at his side and pulled the bloody hands away from the teenager’s face, shushing him so softly that Peter wouldn’t have heard it if it hadn’t been for his enhanced senses. It gave him something to focus his hearing on, though, so he latched on to the low voice that kept telling him everything was going to be okay.

It was all Peter could do to nod his head, lips still quivering too much to form an actual sentence and he found he didn’t have to. Tony understood. He simply pulled him to his chest, not caring in the slightest what it would mean for his designer clothes that Peter was covered in blood.

“What happened, kiddo?”, his mentor asked, running a hand along the nape of his neck, “Are you hurt?”

He gave a tiny shake of his head, not daring to move much farther in fear of losing the proximity. With his eyes closed, he let his body go limp in his mentor’s hold, his ear finding the older man’s heart beat with an instinctual ease and as soon as the sound hit his eardrums he felt some of the tension leave his body and with it started the crying.

The sobs kept rolling through his body, closing up his lungs and shaking up his core. The tears were coming so fast now that he couldn’t see but he knew he didn’t have to anymore.

He was safe.

There was no place on earth that was safer than Tony Stark’s arms.

There was no place in the universe that made Peter feel safer than being tugged inside a embrace so tight that he couldn’t feel anything apart from his mentor’s hands on his back.

Tony never moved an inch and only when Peter lifted his head from his chest did he relinquish his grip on the boy.

“Better?”

“Yes,” Peter whispered, his voice scratchy from crying, “Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it, kiddo,” was the reassuring answer and suddenly Peter felt exhausted. All the anxiety and the tears ever left was emptiness, as if all energy had been drained from his body. He hated it. Hated how he could barely lift a finger after an episode. He hated how clingy he got.

“I’m sorry,” he said after a moment, voice muffled by his mentor’s ruined suit jacket, “I didn’t mean to ruin your evening.”

Again the man shushed him. “You have nothing to be sorry for. Maybe I shouldn’t have brought you to one of these things yet. But you didn’t ruin anything.”

He wanted to vocally disagree – only one look at his mentor’s attire told him just how much he had ruined at least a good set of clothing – but the look in the billionaire’s eyes made him stop and nod his head instead.

“’M still sorry,” he mumbled into his chest, “Can I just hide in here until everyone has already left?”

Tony scoffed. “Fine. They’re already gone anyway, squirt. How do you feel about going home?”

Peter blinked up at him, uncomprehending. “Th- they what?” he stuttered, pushing himself into a seating position, frowning at him. “Why? They’ve only been here for like two hours or something.”

“So?”, the man shrugged and rose to his feet before pulling Peter up as well, “They got over the socializing. They were only taking advantage of the free booze at this point. It’ll be good for everyone’s liver to cut this night short.”

Maybe he shouldn’t be surprised at how nonchalantly his mentor handled the whole thing. Like it wasn’t a big deal that he had just blown one of Stark Industries’ biggest events of the year because some teenager was having problems controlling his anxiety, but it still warmed his heart whenever he realized just how much Tony cared about him.

“Thank you, Tony,” he whispered quietly and almost choked on his own spit when the older man only stared at him.

“Did you just-,” he started, shaking his head ever so slowly, “You did just- I- kid, wow. If this evening brought out anything good at all it’s definitely you getting over the whole Mr. Stark thing.” It was truly extraordinary to find Tony Stark scrambling for something to say and Peter enjoyed how lost he looked for a moment.

“Let’s get out of here and celebrate your achievement with some ice cream, what do you say?”

“Sure, Tony.”

His mentor was practically glowing at this point, almost skipping with each step, and Peter couldn’t help but grin.

“Oh, and kid?”

“Yeah?”

“I hate the hair gel. It’s a lot easier to calm you down when you haven’t built a fortress around your curls. And my hands get all sticky from touching it.”

“Okay, Tony.”

He glared but eventually shrugged. “You know what? I’ll take your one word answers if that means you keep calling me Tony.”

#irondad fic #josis fic #tony stark #peter parker #some si event because why not #mentions of the starkpal cuz i love it so much #anxiety #irondad #5 + 1 fic #and you would smile (and that would be enough)

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itsallavengers · 6 years

Text

More Superfamily

For @superhusbandswithasideoffamily <3

As it happened, the fact that their newly adopted son turned out to be enhanced came as a complete surprise to Tony and Steve.

They’d had him two months and three days. A three year old that both Tony and Steve had fallen in love with the moment they’d set eyes on him. He was small and skinny and had the hugest eyes Tony thought he’d ever seen, and a laugh that made his heart want to melt. Although pretty shy at first, when Steve had happened to hit on the right question (’so what’s your favourite thing to do?’), the boy turned out to be passionate and excited and very, very fucking smart.

Yeah. It was a pretty easy decision, in the end.

Signing all the papers and going though all the checks (although- seriously, they were superheroes, did they really need to go through the ‘do you have murderous urges?’ questions?) was totally, utterly worth it to see the look on Peter Parker’s face when he was told he’d get to have a new home with them.

And hell- him coming back with them had probably been one of the happiest days of Tony’s life. For the first time in his life, he had a proper, honest-to-God family. Tony was man enough to admit he’d shed a tear or two.

At least he wasn’t like Steve though. That man took one look at Tony holding Peter at the threshold of the tower and burst straight into tears. (Natasha was going to delete the video of him going up to Steve seconds after and then doing exactly the same thing. He would make sure that footage was never seen by anyone else’s eyes again.)

So yes. Happiness all around. They had a son. They had a son who could speak better than Clint in the mornings and owned a smile that made even Natasha swoon. Generally speaking, Tony was pretty sure he hadn’t stopped smiling for nearly three months. Steve was no better- damn guy looked constantly as if he was about to burst into song.

Of course- because they were superheroes and that was just their life- something had to surprise them out of the blue.

(Read more, mobile users!)

“No, Patrice, there is no way-” Tony sighed as she cut him off yet again, her harried voice carrying down the line and making the headache worse with every note.

“No! We can’t afford to pull out of the convention this late, it’s a huge...yes, yes, I am fully aware of the- what? That’s ridiculous and you know it, I can’t just-”

Throwing an approximation of his cab fare over to the driver (give or take a hundred) Tony slipped out of the door, grabbing his suitcase as he went and praying the coffee shop just underneath the Avengers tower would be open. He could really do with a caffeine IV- maybe that could be his next big design, parents everywhere would crawl over one another for something like that.

“Look, you can’t change anything, Patrice, the deal is already done,” Tony stopped to button up his coat against the wind, and looked up to the tower where his husband and son were waiting for him. Oh, how he wished his goddamn PR manager would get off the phone so that he could-

He stopped. Squinted his eyes a little.

Hm. That seemed remarkably like a human figure at the window of...

Tony’s blood ran cold as he went through the floor-plans in his head and realised that was Peter’s room. His heart stopped completely as he jerked forward, ready to override the call and scream for JARVIS through the phone- but then he stopped a moment before the words could leave his mouth, confusion mounting as he managed to pick out the reds and blues of what definitely looked like... Peter’s onezie?

Patrice was still yapping through the line, but Tony had shut her off long ago, stepping forward a few steps and working Peter’s name silently in his mouth as he realised that yes, that was indeed his son hanging from the 89th floor of his tower building.

“Patrice?” He said calmly, “I’m gonna have to call you back.”

The call ended swiftly, and yeah- that was when the screaming began.

“Steve?” Tony connected through to Steve’s cellphone through the line in his suit, which was currently hovering a couple of hundred feet in the air and holding his squirming son firmly between two metal arms, “can I ask you something?”

“Mm hmm,” Steve murmured, and he sounded sleepy- Tony almost felt sorry for him, because he was about to get a rather rude awakening.

He shuffled Peter in his arms a bit, whilst the boy just poked curiously at the mechanisms in Tony’s neck and then hummed in pleasure when Tony knocked up the heated plates on the outside of his suit so that his tiny troublesome child wouldn’t freeze to death whilst hanging in the air. “Why did I just have to tell JARVIS to send my armour through the 2nd story windows so that I could suit up and collect our child from the window of the 89th floor as fast as possible? Why did that happen?”

There was silence down the other line, and then a quiet shuffling noise. “Huh?”

“Peter,” Tony said instead, turning his head down to his son and jigging him a little, “do you want to tell Papa what you were just doing seventeen seconds ago?”

“I was climbing!” Peter said enthusiastically, beaming up at Tony as he leaned in close to his ear, as if he could talk to Steve through there, “I looked outta the window an’ there were loads of birds flying in a flock an’ I wanted to see ‘em so I went outta the window and watched ‘em properly!”

Another silence. Longer, this time. And then a very sudden, very fast burst of static. Steve was undoubtedly sprinting to Peter’s room, which meant Tony had about 1.2 seconds until the inevitable-

Ah. There it was.

Not even bothering with the handle- simply yanking the door straight off it’s hinges, Steve bolted into the room with wide, searching eyes. Of course, he saw Tony and Peter just outside the window, hovering patiently. Peter even waved a little when he saw his Papa staring at him.

Steve, bless him, just sort of stood there. Like he didn’t quite know what to do. Although- in all fairness, neither had Tony. There were currently a lot of very confused onlookers beneath him stepping on a lot of very expensive glass.

“So- our child sticks to walls, Steve,” he said helpfully through the speaker, and then gestured to the window just above Steve’s head, “can you let us in please?”

Numbly, Steve pulled the window. Off. He stared at the pane of glass in his hands for a few moments before calmly placing it against the wall.

Tucking Peter in so he didn’t bump his head, Tony crawled through the gap Steve had made for him. Once on solid ground again, he instantly dismantled the suit so that he was holding Peter in his own two arms, clutching the boy tightly into his chest.

When Steve continued to say absolutely jack-all, Tony spoke again. “According to JARVIS, the change in environment, diet and state of living may have triggered some sort of genetic awakening in our son’s body. We’re thinking the X gene, but that has yet to be decided,” he said, nodding.

“I think I’m having a heart attack.” Steve said, nodding back.

“Yeah, well, you weren’t the one who stepped out of the cab and saw him hanging there.”

“Oh God.”

“Oh God indeed.”

“He was out there-”

“Yep.”

“Just....hanging-”

“Yep.”

“No harness or grip or-”

“Nope.”

Steve stopped. He nodded, raised his eyebrows, and then fainted.

When Steve woke up a few minutes later to Peter bouncing on his chest and Tony sat, cross-legged, with his head in his lap, the first thing he did was swear.

“Child,” Tony pointed to Peter, “you didn’t hear that.”

Steve’s eyes drifted down to the small boy smiling down at him. “Why’d you faint?” He asked curiously. “Fainting usually happens ‘cause of a lack of oxygen to the brain, but your lung capacity is a lot bigger than mine or daddy’s, isn’t it? I was scared- but it’s alright, Daddy told me you’d wake up soon, and you did!”

Steve could help but smile, looking more than a little overwhelmed as his large hands gripped Peter’s shoulder gently. “I’m fine, Peter,” he said.

“Just remember to breathe, maybe,” Tony said, patting his cheek as Steve slowly sat back up, Peter still in his arms.

“So,” Steve said eventually, “In the ‘Good Parent’ chart, where do you think ‘falling asleep on the couch and letting your three year old son climb out of a window on the 89th floor’ would rank?”

“In all fairness, the window in question was about 6 feet above Peter’s head. At the time, neither of us were aware of his apparent rock-climbing skills. I think you can be let off. It’s Peter we have the problem with, here,” Tony rubbed his head in his hand and winced. God, his head hurt.

Peter had been happily fiddling with Steve’s shirtsleeve up until that point, but at those words, he froze up. His eyes widened a little, and he turned to Tony with something like fear on his face. “Daddy? What did I... did I do something bad? Why am I a problem?”

“No, no, baby, not like that! I didn’t- you’re not a problem at all. You’re- you’re perfect, alright?” Tony said hurriedly, hands going out and framing Peter’s worried little face, “you’re just... it turns out you’re a little different than what we thought. You know sticking to things isn’t...average child development?”

Peter’s head cocked a little to the side. “Well, yeah,” he shrugged, “but I can! I didn’t even know I could until I tried it just then! And you can fly- Papa can break really hard things that no one else can. Uncle Bruce turns green and goes massive when he’s angry. I just thought...” he shrugged, looking down and shuffling a little bit, “I just thought it meant I properly belong in your family now.”

“Hey, Petey,” Steve frowned, stroking a hand through Peter’s hair, “you’d belong here whether you had superpowers or not, you know that right? We love you no matter what you are.”

“But- as a general rule, please please please do not ever do that again,” Tony added, shutting his eyes and shuddering, “you nearly gave me and Papa joint heart attacks. Just...stay on the ground for now, okay? Can you promise us that?”

Peter bit his lip. “But I like being up high! And I don’t ever fall, look!” And before either of them even knew what was happening, Peter was wriggling from Steve’s arms and scampering to- no, wait, up- the wall, onto the ceiling, where he just....dangled. Like some sort of child-shaped fruit or- or-

God, Tony needed a nap.

They both jumped to their feet instantly, arms out, shrieks of horror barely contained as Peter let his arms swing happily, held on by the tips of his toes. Tony had no idea how he was doing that- like some sort of adhesive on his skin or something- but whatever it was, it was fucking terrifying to see for the first time in your three year old son.

“Peter, get down!” Steve said loudly, face paling as he turned to Tony, “he was doing that out of the window?” He hissed incredulously.

Tony tapped at his chest. “I lost 30 years of my life. I will never get them back.”

They didn’t have a chance to say anything else. Steve was too busy grabbing Peter as he leaped off into his arms with a giggle. A strangled sort of noise came out of Steve’s mouth, and Tony stepped forward, ready to grab Peter if Steve fainted again- but he managed to stay upright, just staring at their son with a sort of overwhelmed horror on his face.

“We should probably get him checked out by Bruce. Or Xavier,” Steve said in the end.

Tony nodded, leaning against his shoulder a little, Peter’s hand dropped on his hair, and he felt little fingers tugging at the knots. “Probably.”

Steve sighed, sagging a little. His spare arm wrapped around Tony’s waist and tugged him in. “But not tonight. I think we’ve had enough tonight. Let’s... tomorrow.”

Tony just nodded. “Seconded.”

“Thirded!” Peter called out from Steve’s chest, frowning a little, “I wanna nap.”

Steve looked at the gaping hole where the pane of glass used to be, and blushed a little. “Okay- our room,” he said in the end.

When Steve moved, his arm tugged Tony along with him, and together they all walked back out of Peter’s room, still slightly shell-shocked.

“Hey Steve,” Clint called out from the couch as they passed through the living room, “do I wanna know why you hightailed it out of the room like the devil was grabbing your ass?”

“My son is adhesive,” Steve answered, and Tony nodded his agreement.

Clint looked at them all for a few seconds, before blinking a few times and turning back to the TV. “Yep,” he said, mostly to himself, “shouldn’t have asked.”

By the time they’d reached their room, Peter’s eyes were already fluttering shut against Steve’s shoulder. They gently put him down in the middle of the bed, and then stood there and watched him silently.

“How are we going to deal with this?” Steve asked in the end.

Tony just shrugged. “Same way we deal with everything else that’s fucking weird around here. Just run with it. Because we’re superheroes and all, in my opinion, slightly unhinged.”

Steve spared one last glance at their now peacefully dozing son, and then unfolded his arms. “Let’s sleep,” he declared.

“Ah, yes, perfect,” Tony started slipping down into the bed immediately, toeing off his shoes as he went, “the best solution to all problems. I love the way you think, darling.”

Steve didn’t say anything- just slipped back under the covers and reached out for Tony across Peter’s head. His hand pressed around the nape of Tony’s neck and squeezed, pulling him in a little to place a kiss against his forehead. “At least he’s not still jumping around on the outside of the tower” he said, thumb stroking across Tony’s cheekbone.

Tony gave a thumbs up. “Oh, how blessed we are, our son was only dangling hundreds of feet above ground for a few minutes, rather than ten,” he said wryly, letting his head drop into Steve’s throat.

Wordlessly, Steve’s gentle fingers came up and pressed against the sides of Tony’s temples, rubbing softly and relieving the pressure in the way only he knew how to do. Tony gave a soft noise of pleasure, and Steve peppered feather-light lips across his face as his fingers worked. “Just sleep” he heard Steve say, “we can deal with this in the morning.”

Tony laughed again and glanced down at Peter, curled up in the middle of them and looking peaceful as ever. His hand absently brushed across the boy’s face before he could help himself, but luckily Peter didn’t wake- just sniffed a little and scratched his nose.

“I’m the luckiest man on the whole damn planet,” Tony breathed quietly, looking up to Steve.

He smiled softly, thumb tracing Tony’s lip for a moment before shutting his eyes. “You’ll have t’fight me for that title,” he murmured.

Tony’s head was still throbbing a little, and his heart probably wouldn’t go back to a normal rate for at least a week after that scare- but he didn’t care. It was all going to be so, so worth it. It already was. He had Steve. He had Peter, He really didn’t need anything else. Take away everything else and he’d still be the happiest man alive.

Even if his husband was over ninety years old and his son appeared to share traits with glue. It was fine. Just another day in the life.

Tony wouldn’t trade it for the universe.

He smiled, and fell asleep with one hand entwined with Steve’s and one wrapped around his son’s waist.

#au in which peter is some sort of mutant kid? idk but I hope this helps somewhat my friend <3 #superfamily #peter parker #stevetony #itsallavengers writes

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achanceforus-x-blog · 7 years

Text

My story so far

I am writing this to hopefully raise awareness and shed some light on situations people ignore or dismiss. I want to help people no matter what their going through with my words , my wisdom and inspire and give my strength to anyone who feels they have none left. My story so far .. A few major things had happened in the years before hand (Ill save these stories for another time) causing my mental health to deteriorate (such a big problem in our generation, thats just kept so secretive) Feeling lost and deflated keeping quiet about all my problems , our problems keeping shit to myself. Feeling to breathless and anxious to even leave the house for work. Falling out with friends because I was weak they thought I was stupid for all Ive put up with, a toxic relationship. Me and my long term partner would just argue and fuss and fight for hours to the point of ultimate distress on both halves. Neither of us really knew what we wanted when you've been romantic with one person for so long it can get really crazy I believe noones a bad person though I believe people only do bad things and thats the stage we were at doing bad things. The physical altercations got to much for us both it seemed as though we were killing each other slowly. Who bruises someone they love? Who try's to hurt them with wicked words? Im so done been a wicked person but we both had a bad mental state and combined it was not pretty. I lived with him and his family in not the most comfortable environment this could also spark our disagreements. Working full time jobs, missing each other , no trust in each other , assumptions , we even thought it was acceptable to lay our hands on one another at some points which is never ok on either part male or female. So with all this been said what the hell was a girl to do I felt I couldn't go home to my mother as it had been to long I was kind of brainwashed id fantasise about the days I didn't have to stay at my partners family's house anymore. One day I just became exhausted the fighting became to much and I finally stopped provoking and reacting then we remembered we can talk to each other. So after about a week of exhaustion and finally getting along again I started not to feel myself even more we got drunk at a christmas party ( I had some time of work and got drunk every day since the 16th December until just after christmas to numb my issues ) but this time we both got drunk at the party and we started loving on each other again like we had before he made a silly comment about my belly and said I had a little him in there. Which we both just laughed off drunkly as I thought yeah impossible. This comment didnt leave my mind all night then when a still slightly drunk but a more sober me woke up that comment was the first thing on my mind. I asked him what the fuck he meant?! He said he was just drunk and playing with me. Then I started to think wait I havent been feeling right for awhile I put it down to just been sad. But something kind of clicked in me I felt sick and I turned to my partner and said omg you've gotta get me a test he looked puzzled but when I explained he went to the corner shop and came back with three tests. I was terrified not to lie , id been pregnant before when I was younger and that didn't end well as they couldn't find a heartbeat .. Pure dread came into my heart and pure fear I started to feel more sick and panicked than ever. What if I lost a baby again I already accepted the fact I couldn't carry nor could I get pregnant again after the damage left and the blood transfusions and all the struggles of the time before. I didn't even want to be a mother at all , or did I ? No not Atleast until I was like 30 or something id pushed all thoughts of ever been someones mother out of my head for a while as it was to painful. Ugh why me , why didn't we glove up why did it have to feel so good why why why and then to think I had been drinking and smoking. Shit. I stopped all these thoughts and quickly manned up and took all the tests to the bathroom. All positive. Shit. Id not long started a great new job though , I was really excelling and I dont wanna be a mother and surely history would repeat itself? Were the tests right? I cant even get pregnant can I? Ive been drinking so much and smoking, ive been so sad ive been getting into scraps with my partner how far gone was I? Had we scrapped when I was pregnant? Im trapped. So many thoughts I sat in the bathroom and just let out a deep breath. Im the strongest person I know lol or am I or do I just suppress shit and abuse substances to get over the way i felt ? Either way I felt strong I know im strong after everything id been through before in the past year let alone the past few years. Okay It is what it is man. Walked out the bathroom and handed my partner all the tests we looked at each other he widened his eyes then he smiled real hard probably the most he'd smiled at me in a long time, he was happy but he was worried because he to lost his baby when I did before. We both lost the baby. It was ours and now we were faced with that feeling once again omg were pregnant wtf to do?! Not to mention We found out on new years eve!! So all of our plans cancelled. Man if this wasnt the time for me to get drunk and high I dont know what was. So we left it for a few days. We agreed to rebuild ourselves and rebuild our friendship and then out relationship. We obviously still loved and cared for each other but we had to make a pact no more toxic mess not around my baby no way no how. No More drinking for me I told myself I also stopped smoking cigarettes I was the moodiest id been in a month or so withdrawal symptoms really aint the one. I found it extremely hard to stop getting high though truthfully that had been my addiction and coping mechanism for years I felt even more lost wondering what the fuck I was gonna do without getting high everyday after work after a busy day after just having to wake up. Truly exhausting. Still only me and my partner knew our secret whilst I struggled to come to terms with it. At work I had the worst morning sickness ever I wont post to much about this but my job included me having to be really hands on and alert at all times It was getting real tough. I needed to tell someone. I told my manager their reaction wasn't really what I needed I guess they felt I was deliberately(damn it took spell check along time to figure out wtf I was just tryna spell) deliberately ruining their business. Great. And more exhaustion and more morning sickness. I need my mom Yo. The next day I went to my moms house and just came right out with everything she was shocked , happy , scared because of last time of course. My darling mom man I missed her she reacted just how Id wanted her to by getting my shits together telling me I had to make decisions from now and ultimately booking me a private paid scan for the next evening to check everything was ok. Work on this day was the worst all I could think about was whether I was gonna see that little heartbeat or whether it would have stopped like last time, like last time like last time all i kept thinking was like last time. Jesus get me the fuck out of here It was going slow though because I was clock watching. Finally it was time to leave i was outta there in no time I felt so sick driving to the scan place we picked up my partner It was just us three I could tell my mom and him were terrified to but they were just tryna be happy and make me laugh but i literally couldn't even speak I just felt so weird , silence please until we get this over with. So we arrive at the place and I swear my feet stopped working and my legs like I couldn't even get out of the car, mom helped me. Okay this is it. There was like a ten minute wait for the sonographer it felt more like ten fucking hours. Id zoned anyway I didnt know what anyone was saying and if they were talking to me I wasnt listening, finally they called me. We got into the scan room and oh my life Ive never experienced fear like it I personally thought I was fearless nothing scared me but this did. My mom literally had to lift me onto the bed and pull up my top for the scan and then explain to the sonographer Id had a bad experience in the past. My partner looked at me and smiled but I could see past his smile I could tell he was fucking shit scared just like me so he came and held my hand she rubbed the cold jelly on my stomach and began to look around Id covered my eyes by this point cos in my head I thought well at least this time if theres no heartbeat I wouldn't have to see it. I heard people talking my mom , the sonographer , some other woman in the back supervising I just wasnt listening to what they were saying my mom stood up and took my hands from my eyes and said its okay look! I looked and there was my beautiful little bean with the strongest heartbeat ive ever saw the sonographer turned to me and said your only eight weeks so not far gone at all but they have a real strong heartbeat and so far everything looks fine. I just froze and started sobbing. My little bean I couldn't believe it they printed us some scan pictures and I prized myself up of their bed and we went back to my moms house on the way back I was sick all over myself in the car in my new tracksuit that was really something. A part of me just couldn't believe I had a living thing inside of me. Wow got to my moms house cleaned up and ate some food and we talked and we made decisions and I told her I didn't wanna be a mother and she told me really it was tough and I should of thought about it before I didnt use protection. Lol typical thanks mom though I needed that. So I should have been relaxed cos there was a heartbeat but all I kept thinking about was would they even make it another week inside me I really didnt believe I was capable of bringing another life into this world. She dropped us back to my partners families house were we lived and my partner told his family they were happy for us his mother especially. We sat in our bedroom and I just cried on him for abit then he made a spliff and I had a few drags ( I know its bad but try not to judge me ) id read marijuana could help with sickness . Yeah anything to make it sound better. Fast forward a little bit to a week or so and I had a couple of appointments at the hospital due to what had happened before they wanted to double check me and see if I was okay. My manager was not at all happy about how many appointments I was having constantly making sly remarks and comments giving me the silent treatment telling me I was causing them to have to find cover. My initial thoughts whatever trevor I'm still here still working still trying my best your the least of my worries and just ignored them and looked forward to going to bed as the exhaustion was unreal Id never felt a tiredness like it honestly. Fatigue. Back at my partners house him and his mother had had a few disagreements lately and then one night it got really bad and a lot of harsh things were said and eventually she told him he had till the end of the week to get out. What ! I was shocked where was I gonna go ? All pregnant and shit clearly I had to go with him I hadnt left his side at the best of times never mind staying somewhere he'd been kicked out of. Weird shit I made the split second decision and told him lets leave now we grabbed a few bits we needed for the next couple days and left right there and then. Where we gonna go !? My partner asked I didnt even know I just knew I didnt wanna stay there any longer. I called my mom and briefly explained she didnt have a clue what I was talking about it was half eleven at night and everyone had work early in the morning she just said yes then we turned up at her house at midnight , a couple of lost puppies like hey. She just made sure we were okay we'd ate and we had somewhere to sleep with all her blankets and pillows. Fast forward a little bit I really wanted to move into our own place so I started saving over half my wages for the next two months and just stacking up buying things for the place we found , he was saving to , we'd saved more money then than in our whole lives , I mean it seemed real easy I wasnt buying bottles of alcohol all the time I wasnt buying cigarettes I wasnt buying weed no clothes cos I figured id just grow out of them soon anyway so my money was literally untouched so saving and buying household goods was all me for the next few weeks. I wasnt happy but I was at peace. We viewed a flat and I knew it was the one man I just didnt think we stood a chance as it was in a posh area and quite expensive and we were not posh and you know how landlords would stereotype a young black couple so I really began to give up hope of finding somewhere. But then they called and told us the place was all ours and we could come and collect the keys in two weeks I was so happy we were happy, it felt like things were finally gonna go right. The day before I was due to move in my manager dismissed me unfairly due to pregnancy discrimination. It didn't come as much of a shock because of all the shit id put up with them since telling them I was pregnant, but I couldnt believe people could actually do this stuff to people. It was disgusting I was so mad and now breaking down because I didnt even know if id be able to afford to live in our beautiful new home. All the stuff we'd brought and I didnt wanna be a young mom living in at my mothers house it was all just to much once again I manned up and realised I had alot of savings and still had another wage to come my way and some unpaid holiday so I was going to be okay until that ran out. Of course my partner works hard and he could pay everything but that is not something I wanted either so I made sure to even out my savings to last until the summer by then id be receiving maternity pay anyway. I was terrified for the 12 week scan as alot of pregnancies dont make it to the 2nd trimester all I could think about was what I had lost before I just couldn't accept anything good would happen for me so once again sick and nervous I went to my next scan and there it was again a beautiful little heartbeat , so strong and the way they were wiggling about in me on the scan I still just could not believe it more scan photos were given and I left feeling abit happier once again still filled with terror and worry. I began to wonder whether or not id ever be able to enjoy been pregnant and if it was even worth it worth putting on the fake smiles every day worth looking at my changing body going from been super underweight hardly , controlled eating basically not eating at all - when I was sad cos It was the only thing I felt I had control over , to having no choice but to eat constantly all the time even through all the horrible morning sickness that FYI doesnt just fucking occur in the mornings. Ugh. Whatever. I have no choice for me pregnancy felt horrible its a really weird experience I didn't understand how women skipped about with their big bellies all happy and excited cos I was not happy or excited I loved my baby of course but It filled me with dread to think I could be growing them but never get to meet them again I just was not prepared for this at all and Im twenty years old. Isnt that old enough? Hell no. But theres nothing I can do. Fast forward 16 weeks pregnant and received news you can pay for a private scan to reveal the gender. So basically to put it blunt I thought everytime I had another scan I wouldnt see the babies heartbeat sounds paranoid and ridiculous and surely after three scans id calm down . Nope it got worse for me. So of course I wanted to find out the gender but for me it was just another way to see if the baby was still alive in me. The day of my gender scan I actually had an appointment with the midwife to listen to the heartbeat. So i went into that terrified as well my midwife knew how scared I was and dealt with me really nicely she eased me into it and then I heard my beautiful baby's heartbeat for the first time. Oh my God it was shocking I felt breathless I was listening to my baby's heartbeat. (Ive just noticed excuse my poor grammar throughout I never liked school lol) but that heartbeat the most special thing to me its all I could think about. Then in the evening when it came to my private scan I was still terrified at finding their heartbeat even though id heard it literally a few hours before! It was then that I realised I actually had a real problem. But whatever suppressed that again and readied myself for what they were saying in the scan. So I brought along my sister my dad my mom my partner and my bestfriend as you were paying you could have five people in the room lol. This if your highly nervous I wouldnt recommend they were all so excited and happy I just couldnt figure out how they were so excited and happy whilst I was miserable and terrified. So on the scan table the cold jelly again and then the sonographer started to feel around I covered my eyes again of course like I did every scan then got the all clear that there was a heartbeat then started to watch it was beautiful I couldnt get over the fact a little human was inside my belly so weird so magical wow. The sonographer asked so do you want to know the sex my family were all like wooo yeahh I didnt say anything just half heartedly smiled all of a sudden then sonographer told me its a girl!!! Oh my God. I had a little girl growing inside me a mini me. I sobbed abit again. Unreal my very own little daughter. So overwhelming that I actually started to feel really upset thats another thing about been pregnant these raging hormones noone warns you about this stuff I swear. So we were having a little girl (something my partner had said all along) and I was still not happy. I started to feel really selfish and bad. I explained I felt lonely I dont know how when I wasn't alone but it was just not a great feeling at all I really needed help I started to act irrationally and like an emotional wreck I definitely needed to accept some help so a week or so later I spoke up and was referred to a mental health midwife. Which to me sounded dramatic as fuck. But cos id struggled with mental health before it was something they had recommended anyway but stubborn old me didn't take the help. But now it was official I was dealing with antenatal depression like a constant feeling of impending doom I just couldn't be happy ever again could I? At Least not until my daughter was in my arms. I dont do talking or taking sad pills I couldn't drink I couldn't get high or control my eating like before not to mention I couldnt just have the maddest sex session either as I was scared that would harm my baby to. Ugh. I couldn't do nothing man because I was pregnant so my stress went straight to my head all everyone kept saying was dont stress you'll stress out the baby. Like really thank fuck you just said that never thought of that before. I literally couldnt listen to people and their stupid comments I just tried to accept they were trying to help and whatever they were saying was in my best interest. Okay Now this is were my story so far gets real fucked up. Ive been trying to think how to word this since before even starting to write this. Writing it in my head over and over but this is were it gets really personal to me. We're almost up to the current point in my story so far to. So 19 weeks pregnant I am terrified (surprise) for my next scan next week, its the 20 week scan it looks at your baby and your inside properly in abit more detail and sees if things are forming the way they should with the baby and with the umbilical cord, the placenta, the sack of fluid baby is in just all sorts of things. So of course im fearing the worst noone gets why I always fear the worst but I did it before been pregnant anyway so now im pregnant it just made it that bit worse for me. Im showing now by the way got a right little belly going on lol my moms started with a baby box , little socks her first teddy , a couple outfits she even managed to convince me to buy my little girl something I brought her some girly dinosaur baby grows as Id never saw dinosaurs for girls before and I loved it. So this beautiful little baby girl box. I looked through now and again and I wouldnt say I got used to been pregnant but I started to feel her little movements her little swimming and butterfly movements in my tummy so as much as Id tried to stay detached incase of any loss I was attatched whether I liked it or not. My baby girl. I pictured what shed look like , where id take her , what me and my partner would be like with a baby and what a daddy he would be. Holidays with her and just the rest of my life with her. My saviour she'd even made me able to forgive my partner and to care a lot less about the silly little things in life when I think about it she's the only reason Id found a way to want to live again, like she'd given me a purpose like I didnt need to have my eating disorders anymore or get high or get drunk all I needed was to feel her move. I dreamed about kissing and feeling her skin for the first time, I just couldnt believe id been given the opportunity from God to bring one of his angels onto the earth. Had me really in my feelings and thats not me at all. Crazy shit. Anyway back to the scan. Im 21 weeks and 3 days now and its the day of my scan to see if everything's okay me and my partner are nervous of course but im with my mom and him again and there telling me everything's gonna be fine and I just need to chill out. So we get into the scan I cover my eyes once again and then the doctor tells me theres a heartbeat , a strong heartbeat. so I open my eyes and start to look his scanning all over explaining what he can see so far then he goes quiet and starts to scan the same place over and over again, her heart. So I just get a feeling somethings wrong. A single tear comes out my eye and I just lye on the bed waiting for him to say something to give me some information , finally he says im just going to get a second opinion. Thanks for all that info Dr fucking who. My mom and my partners faces they look so sad , so sad for me for them for us all man we dont understand whats going on were just waiting for them to say something more. Two doctors come in the room and scan her heart again shes wriggling all over the place at this point sucking her thumb , waving her arms. I just cant look at the screen anymore I cant bring myself to look at her. The doctor says im so sorry but we suspect she has hypo plastic left heart syndrome, well fuck me. From when he said im so sorry I just couldnt breathe again I didnt even know what the fuck he meant but im scared and im upset and im desperate. My partner looks so sad to. I just feel so bad I just want to apoligize to everyone I just dont understand why I cant do this one thing a women's supposed to do. So the doctor gives us some notes and refers us to a fetal medicine scanner to confirm the diagnosis. Basically the left side of her heart hadn't formed properly he told us what to look at online and what to read etc. I just couldnt believe it. I felt like a fool for ever believing something good could happen for me for us. So we left thinking we had nothing left. I had already started grieving and she wasnt even gone! I was grieving like she was though I just lost all hope. Reading up on the syndrome it means she will need open heart surgery at just a few hours old, then another open heart surgery at around 7 months if she was even to make it through the first op. Then another open heart surgery at 2/3 years old. Then eventually a heart transplant as her heart will never work like a normal heart and it can never be fixed. Well ill be damned. I spent the next few days until the fetal medicine scan breaking down in the shower and staying in bed anything I was doing included bed I didnt wanna leave bed I didnt wanna talk to anyone I was defeated. I couldn't bring myself to go into the room with that damn baby box. Fetal medicine scan day. Which are more skilled doctors sonographers that specify in looking at problems and confirming them. By this point id given up been scared before the scan as I was scared everyday. Waking up was like hearing the diagnosis all over again because as soon as I opened my eyes I would remember. So the doctors scanned and it was confirmed hypoplastic left heart syndrome my poor baby girl thinking of everything shes gonna have to deal with. How long would I know her? If I got to know her at all would she even survive the first op? Second? Third? What the fuck. Why me? Why me and my baby Im a good person Ive done a few bad things but ive dealt with more bad Jesus why me ? Did I really not deserve a break I just couldnt believe my luck. They offered me three options. Termination. Which I considered for a little while as I believed it would hurt less if I lost her now than loosing her when Id met her. Is it better to have loved and lost or to have lost and never loved? What kind of shitty statement is that I dont even know what to think anymore. I decide if shes still fighting then I have to fight with her I cant just give up hope for my baby girl. So cancel out that option. Next. They offer the three stages of the operations but thats not including any complications and operations to fix anything else that goes wrong oh and also my baby has to weigh over 5 pounds to be able to have these operations anyway and cant have any chromosomal issues such as down syndrome or Edwards syndrome then they really cant operate at all and nature just has to take its way. And the last option was compassionate care so when my baby's born they help us plan the funeral and give us extra support. To me all these options were fucked the fuck up and I just didnt want to have to choose any of them. We had like a week to make a decision until we met with the cardiologist who would explain my little girls problems in more depth as every baby is different of course and look in depth at her little heart. See if it was even possible to operate how much damage was actually done. Well fuck me. I seriously didnt even know this condition existed and neither did my family and friends. I couldn't help but just feel grief and defeat. But as long as my daughter kept fighting I knew that I was going to so we picked the second option deciding to go through with the operations if that was a possibility for her. Appointment over. I couldnt even bring myself to look at my stomach that night truth be told i couldn't even look at myself at all. I just felt like a failure If i couldn't do this what could I do? I thought about how my life will never be the same ever again as most babies take up to three months to leave the hospital if they even get to at all how much we'd have to be in the hospital for the rest of her life. Weve been dealt some real shit cards. Cant I just give her some of my heart? Cant my partner give some of his heart? We would give her anything she needed. Not possible. Ive tried to think of how to explain the next week to you guys but its impossible to put into words for me it felt like been in a box in the deepest point of the sea and seeing a random submarine in the distance but if you try to scream to get its attention you'd drown. Although that comparison is shitty because nothing could compare to the way I was feeling. Grief pure grief and heart break, I didnt know why God kept testing me but I also didnt want to question him. Cardiologist appointment arrived and in we went again to check over our baby. So her little heart is underdeveloped and the right side is doing everything for the left side. Everything else looks fine her growth is normal and her movements. The biggest problem though her heart. Now there are four severe things that could be wrong with her heart adding to her syndrome meaning she is unable to have the operation and she only had one of them. Her areola a small vaule to the heart was only 1mm big which will make it harder for the surgeons performing her operation. So it makes a high risk operation even more high risk. Then the cardiologist started coming at us with statistics and they sounded real shit , any hope I'd had left she knocked it the fuck out of me. Information overload I just couldnt believe what I was hearing still all I kept thinking about was how long we're going to know her for I mean we still dont know what were dealing with properly until shes here anyway all we know is she has a 25/75 chance of survival with the op . And a even lower chance without the op. So much to take in. We were told a charity named little hearts matter would get in touch with us and that we could go and visit parents or surviving babies after the op and then we would go and have a look at the children's hospital where our baby will be transported to straight after birth ( I wont even get to hold her until after the op ) blah blah blah just more words that hurt and I just wanted to get into bed. Left that appointment feeling worse than when we went in. I cried a hell of alot that night to in the shower were I felt I could just sit with the freezing cold water hitting me trying to wake me up out of this emotional daze I had dropped into. I went a walk and contemplated just jumping into the moving traffic so me and her could just be free together in a better place. No I refuse to sink. After that I realised most people my age could not put up with half the stuff I've been through hell people twice my age couldn't. I remembered I was super strong (more so than ever before) and that my daughter was just as strong as her mommy. The next day we spoke with the charity and now theres a lovely lady who calls me to see if were okay and how baby's doing. And I have more hope than ever I believe everything is going to be okay in the end and God only tests his strongest people. My baby girl is my will to live and she keeps me strong and she now kicks me real hard every single day her daddy feels and sees her kicks and so do my family and friends. She's so beautiful and strong im now 25 weeks and waiting on more scans I have to have one every two weeks and endless appointments monitoring her. Im a high risk pregnancy but I'm okay for the first time in a while and whenever I have a down day and cry a little my baby makes sure to kick me so I know she doesnt want her mommy to be sad. Dont get me wrong nothing is cured certainly my despair and broken heart for her broken heart, some days I feel like I can take on the world and anything it throws my way and other days I cant imagine loosing my little darling , it really hurts not knowing how long I may know her for. But I just have to accept life is an amazing gift no matter how short or long. And although I'm to young to be dealing with all this shit I'm making it my mission to deal with all of this shit just for my girl. And I hope to raise awareness on alot of issues raised in my post. Ill be writing more when the times right and thankyou for listening x https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=1700345300267324&id=1696783053956882 https://www.betterhelp.com/start/?utm_source=AdWords&utm_medium=Search_PPC_m&utm_term=mental+health+helpline_p&utm_content=41730113956&network=g&placement=&target=&matchtype=p&utm_campaign=384715930_mobile&ad_type=text&adposition=1t1&gclid=CK7R9-e03tMCFcy37QodO20LaA&gor=start-go&fv=d http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/Pages/mental-health-helplines.aspx https://www.nct.org.uk/pregnancy/antenatal-depression http://mensadviceline.org.uk https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/helpline/ My story so far ! .. Stay tuned. #mentalhealth #awareness #littleheartsmatter #speak #useyourvoice #love #follow #strong #pleaseread #story

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