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#(the fact that ive been told that same exact thing in different contexts....)
lizignasius · 1 month
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I don’t think me and my partner have the same ideals in a relationship.
For context the person I had the thingy with, we started dating. Yay!! However from there a problem has begun to emerge. I think I’m the problem, but maybe it’s a two way thing. I think it’s to do with our ideals in a relationship.
First of all I love her, very very much. When I get into a relationship, it’s because I truly love them and think it could last forever. That is how I am. Sometimes though, I just don’t think we are on the same page. One of the reasons I fell for her is because of how she described herself in her past relationship. She put her relationship first, she showed affection whenever she could, she found time for her partner and would love every moment she spent with them. That’s something that in a partner I feel like I need. I don’t expect every breathing second of their life to be on me, but still the priority in a relationship I believe should be each other.
However, now that we are dating I find she shares similar features to both her ex and my ex, both of which were toxic in their respective ways. Her ex would complain that she would be too clingy, and didn’t listen to her feelings or help her with them very well. My ex would always expect me to help her whenever needed and put myself out for her, but would never ever do the same for me. These are qualities our exes had, among a lot of other terrible ones, but these are the qualities I find that she at times shares.
I am clingy, that I admit. I am clingy due to my past, due to all the relationships Ive had where i required it. I am clingy because I have been neglected, and without being clingy I fear I’ll be neglected again. I’m clingy because all my life I have been shown little love, so i cling to whoever I want to show it. I’m clingy because I’ve been told if i’m not people will leave me. Regardless of the reason, I need to learn to not be, but it’s so much easier said than done. For now I just wish she could cater for it. She does not.
Another thing about my clinginess is at the start of our relationship, might have even be before, we both agreed we preferred people who are clingy as partners. Yet now that we are in a relationship she claims that she dislikes it. She says it stresses her and she doesn’t enjoy it. I understand, I try to cater for it and I try so hard to be better. But if she has an issue I don’t try get her to change it. I do whatever I can to accept it, to help her, to encourage her. I just feel that isn’t reciprocated.
Another thing going back to the priority part. I believe that a relationship is a priority. If I’m in a relationship, I’ll prioritise my partner over anything else. Unless of course there’s a family emergency, or I had a prearranged plan, my partner comes first. For instance if I was asked if I wanted to go out somewhere with a friend, I’d check with my partner to see if it was ok to block out that date. I’d let them know days in advance, I would also not go with a plan if it was proposed to me a day in advance. I don’t expect my partner to be this exact same way, but I’d hope it would be similar. I don’t think my partner has the same priority level at all. Where I would place her as number one, I feel I’m not even reaching top five. It stings.
From what I expected when she described her ideal relationship to what we have now, I feel I’m with a completely different partner than I thought she’d said she was. I understand with each relationship we change, but she is the opposite of what she described she was. Other things that hurt me are when she tells me her worries and feelings and concerns I comfort her. When I tell her mine she freaks out and makes me feel guilty. How can I get past the fact I can’t trust her to go to when I’m upset.
I can’t even tell her any of this because she would just sit there and try justify all of it. Try tell me that nothing is wrong and I’m overreacting. Tell me that it’s just because of this and that, and that I’m too much and too annoying.
I don’t know what to do.
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tacit-semantics · 2 years
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I’ve been clearing out my drafts, and this wasn’t terrible so ramblings about dialogue under the cut. fair warning, theyre extremely disjointed, completely unresearched, and based entirely off the personal experiences/observations of someone whose highest literary education was a 12th grade english class where the teacher routinely spent half the time talking about his divorce (which was ugly by the way! Very ugly actually. It was BAD). Anyways, it’s Directly From the Brain hours.
ok so i've been writing a jake pov fic and i mentioned at some point that while i didn't have a decent vocab to draw from for her character voice, i felt that i could approximate it, which i don't think is incorrect, exactly- for the fic, i'd say that while it's recognizable as jake, it's nowhere near perfect, or even particularly ideal. That said, I was curious about why it was that even as it was somewhat off the mark it was still recognizable (to some degree) and so i'm just gonna try to hash it out with myself and probably hit on some common knowledge in the process
So there are 2 major components to dialogue, right: the vocabulary, and the speech patterns (sentence structure, occasional vocal or verbal quirks). Jake is characterized by an anachronistic, eclectic vocabulary (that I interpreted as being picked up from her movies- more on that later), as well as somewhat clunky but still natural-feeling (for him) sentences (in writing specifically- vocal communication is a different beast, both in writing and in general), interspersed with more glaringly modern or casual vocab/quirks im assuming they picked up from their friends and from other media as well of course these things don’t exactly occur in a vacuum. But that is not my point
Anyways, this particular style of contrast is common in several forms- i use it TONS for rose for example, as she intentionally projects her speech as pretentious and verbose, and cutting that with less formal speech can either make for a good punchline or a moment of character insight, etc etc. Of course theres a difference there in that rose intentionally projects pretension as a means to an end (as in she wants to be interpreted a certain way), whereas for jake this is just his natural way of speaking. It's not an assertion or a statement; it simply is. so i think the issue that i was running into was that while ive got the mix-and-match style of speech down (i find tonal dissonance to be the funniest fucking thing on earth, ive been writing it into every fic i could since i was like 16 , so i'm relatively familiar with it in both humorous and non-humorous contexts), and the intent behind it is less the projection of rose or dirk and more along the lines of what i do for kanaya, actually (as in, less immediate projection), it fell short in that i couldn't bring the other half home.
which is a bit anticlimactic, honestly, but from the looks of it what happened is that I got the patterns but not the vocab, and then from there the occasional (clunky) use of antiquated slang clued in that yeah, this is supposed to be jake. Also, there's the fact that I didn't go in and try to smooth out the more awkward turns of phrase; im very prone to those myself, which made my life a little easier, but in the context of jake, it's a matter of her speech patterns also being somewhat awkward, i think. That’s not the right word. Not awkward as in she struggles when writing them out, but awkward as in clunky, sort of??????? I’m big on rhythms in writing and I broke a lot of them is what I’m saying
This is all extremely affectionate, by the way. I'm worried that I'm coming across a little harsh- I am often told I come across as blunt when it is very much not my intention- so im gonna add that this is partially based off of personal experience. See, authorial intent aside, I interpreted Jake's speech patterns as being heavily influenced by his media consumption- as in, he's mimicking, and as someone who does the same exact thing I can say that on occasion there's a bit of a disconnect, so to speak. Jake (and I) fall into the trap of basing our speech off of media dialogue when media dialogue is meant to serve a means to an end, and that end is very rarely sounding natural by normal conversational standards. happens to the best of us. Also jake is pretty heavily neurodivergent-coded, and while this isn't handled well like, at all, i do use it to influence my characterization of him. Then again, I'm neurodivergent and literally have no idea how neurotypical people think and honestly even if i could mimic it i don't think id want to, so. make of that what you will.
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What the fuck do I do?...
**tw emotional/physical abuse mentions**
posted this on reddit with different ages and such so he wont find it but he doesnt use tumblr so I wanted to post here to see if yall had some suggestions as well any help would be greatly appreciated or to just know someone read would also be enough... with that said I'll paste the post.
to start I'm 23f and the fiance is 38m
I have an idea of what i should do i just sincerely dont want to i dont want to leave him homeless and without money or a job...
but the last few months have me scared and confused...
(during arguments he let's me write down what's happening when I hear something that stands out to me in Hope's itll help me fix my behaviour i got from my parents so ive been able to write down exact wording on some things said) theres just so much going on...
to preface this hes never been physically abusive to me and thankfully it's not there yet. in his defense though i was raised very incorrectly due to shit parents and I have a lot of mental issues that cause self sabotage, delusional thinking- meaning If I personally believe something it usually takes a small war to get my mind to recognize im actually wrong, as well as terrible memory so if I do acknowledge I've done something wrong more often than not my head forgets what happened or what i even did wrong if anything and the next time it inevitably happens again I have no information to pull from to tell me what I did was wrong or why. so basically I'm kind of a fuck up, I'm doing my best to fix my shit but yeah my fiance has been dealing with all of that for 4 years now.
(*some minorly important issues
•he's been interrupting me not letting me finish what I'm saying and just outright changing the topic since we first got together, although wrong of me I started doing that as well because i saw no other way to be able to speak to him except even when I'm doing the exact same shit hes doing it seems like hes the only allowed to be upset.
•we were in an open relationship except he didnt follow the rules we agreed to one time and that broke my trust I had for him. we said no coworkers, we said only people we were both interested in we said no one that's taken and yet all of those got broken over an ugly bitch. and I still get shit for bringing it up to this day.
•he said that until I start prefacing all of my conversations with him he wont count any attempt I've made at talking to him about my problems. so basically everything I've tried talking to him about doesnt fucking matter and it doesnt fucking count. not even when I tried telling him 3 separate times I'm feeling suicidal to top it off everytime i mentioned it, it ended in an argument.
•he told me he got suicidal thoughts for the first time in 10 years due to me and honestly I didnt know how to fucking respond to that. it made me sad yeah but where was the care I needed when I brought up the same thing? where was his give a fuck hes supposed to show if he actually cares about me??
•he says he interrupts me because what I have to say is either false, not grounded in reality, or they're excuses. except he has little to no way of knowing any of that is true unless he hears me all the way out I could be agreeing with him and he still interrupts and gets pissed.
•I believe hes a hypocrite but he says nah hes only doing this because I'm doing bad.
•hes said multiple times that i wont see any improvement in him until he sees I've got my shit together. even though hes the one that caused the first problems in this relationship I'm supposed to be the first one to fix my shit? instead of both of us working on our shit together??? and when I ask those questions he responds with yes you are supposed to be the first one to fix your shit because I'm at the end of my rope and I wont take this anymore.)
but on to why I've been scared. this person told me he used to be abusive with an equally abusive ex for many reasons and after splitting up he vowed to never do that again and never end up like they did.
fast forward to our relationship and well a few months ago he told me he wanted to hit me and made it a point to say he wasnt going to but he really wanted to.
he said that because we were both in my car and he wanted to leave with the car except I wasnt going to get out of MY car so he started yelling, i got scared and left later on he told me that was the first time hes ever wanted to hit me and I should think about what it is I did to get him to that point. after that I left it alone for a month because things got a bit better and then came the next time he said he wanted to hit me. now I dont remember the reason for him saying it the second time but I wasnt going to let that slip as easily as the first so I spoke up about it and what he had to say about me telling him it made me scared of him to know he wanted to hit me was " well if you Weren't a coward, normally when someone says they want to hit you it's a signal that you're doing something so wrong that they want to hit you." and me knowing him i knew this was one of those times he just wasnt going to budge.
so on to the next argument.
he told me I'm the one who thrust those thoughts into him, that I'm the reason they ever came to be, I'm why the exist in the first place. and he doesnt seem to understand when I say that no I'm not the reason your head wants to hurt me they exist there because of your last relationship letting that be an option. he also said he keeps the option of abuse in his head with a line in front of it to remind him to never pass that line and he doesn't understand that keeping that idea in his head at all is not a good thing because now the option is available whether you want to take it or not and
he. just. kept. arguing. and defending.
now on to the last argument.
he says he wants me to stop putting him in a position to do all the thinking and decision making for me, when I've asked him multiple times to stop doing that because I want to do shit for myself and all he keeps saying is show me that you can actually think for yourself and I'll stop needing to do that. like motherfucker at least give me the time to make decisions or thoughts.
I know it's not his fault that I take longer to process things but he knows this fact and keeps expecting me to already have a response half a second later to something I'm barely registering 5 seconds after it happened and again yes I know its something I have to work on and I am but atm it's still an existing issue.
hes trying to call thinking for me and making decisions for me "a gift" (the exact context for him saying this wasnt written down as I was too upset at the audacity of that claim.)
he wants me to show overwhelming efforts to fix my fucked behavioral issues but the efforts I'm putting in atm dont matter to him and that hes hanging on a single thread hes no longer willing to take anything but Absolute compliance(yes he used the actual words absolute compliance) if he doesnt see me losing sleep to figure out and fix my shit he wont be convinced I'm trying. he ended that segment with him saying hes not using these words to control or manipulate me. he says this is a requirement a yes or no and he wont make his decision on whether he wants to break up with me until I say yes or no to his absolute compliance. he said his decision is solely based on my answer and If i say yes i dont get to back off or get out of it.
I also wrote down a quote he said that was just so arrogant i couldnt leave it out.
"You sit before an artisan of problem solving." -my fiance
soo haha yeahh the last argument happened right before going to bed and I started typing this as soon as I got up and finished my hygiene stuff.
I'm pretty sure if he had never told me he'd wanted to hit me this wouldn't be such a difficult thing to answer... I love him and I have no idea if I should pick him and risk any form of my safety or just let him leave me.. he has no job, no money, and no family to go to.. I know he doesnt care about being homeless but I do care..I fucking love him and I dont want that for him not even for a day... as shitty as he and I can both be I still dont believe that's what he deserves... if he ever finds this hell be even more pissed that I'm even concerned about what he'll do if he leaves.. he always told me to not care and that if I ever do want to leave him to not worry about that and just get it over with sooner.. thing is I dont want to leave I just want my baby back... the one that didnt yell or didnt want to hit me at all... I want our old relationship back.. I guess I want to know if that's even possible at this point. any words from anyone would be really nice right now.. if only to just feel like someone's talking to me.. my fiance is literally the only person I talk to and the closest thing to a friend I have. and i dont tell my parents any of what's happening because they're stressed enough so I've been basically alone for 4 years with no one but my fiance to talk to..
granted it's my fault I havent made other friends but I've been so stressed recently that I havent done much about it for many reasons..
update: he just finished telling me that hes only had half a burger in the last 3 days, (due to stress) he just wanted to let me know that apparently.
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nightshade-zoe · 4 years
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AWAE 3x06 Commentary
Matthew’s Radish ❤️❤️
Anne has a cold and she’s baking a cake. . .uh oh (for context in the books she tries to bake a cake for the minister’s wife at tea but she puts liniment flavoring instead of vanilla because of a cold).
Wow her hair is so glossy and the loose braids are 😘
Is Matthew going to have a heart attack ....oh no
Holy **** that radish is huge
She smashed the vanilla and yes they’re definitely going the book storyline.
No Anne please ask someone to smell the bottle 😣
I live for Bash sass.
Okay so I’m like a little bit whiplashed here. Last episode we saw Gilbert just suggesting winnie visit. How have they been communicating? Have they been on that many tea dates? It seems like they only saw each other four or five times after their first “date”. But I guess it’s been two months since then.
“But your mother wasn’t skittish” I’m dead.
No he hasn’t settled on Winnie. Does this mean Bash knows about Anne? She’s “easy to be with” okay I guess it makes sense Gilbert is stressed about constantly feeling things for Anne.
“Fond enough to marry her?” Bash literally slipped that in because Gilbert was talking about marriage last week.
“Winifred doesn’t have such expectations” dude you’re meeting her parents in the 1890s of course she does.
Gilbert you literally were considering marriage last week.
Josie doesn’t want to create a scandal yet her mother seems to be pushing her to it??
Anne crying over Mary my heart it can’t ❤️❤️❤️
Poor Anne is so flustered because she wants to not look like a mess in front of her crush. So relatable.
Gilbert, do you see any onions???
It’s interesting they showed this scene between Gilbert and Matthew when we barely have their interactions. Gilbert is denying it’s a special occasion when we’ve just seen him freaking out about his appearance.
The framing of Anne by the window is gorgeous. Also this episode seems designed the humiliate Anne every way possible.
Why is she sneaking out to go to Diana’s??
She’s going to confess to Diana isn’t she. This seems like really fast development for Anne who has recently been like I am the Bride of Adventure.
Yikes Minnie May overhearing this and finding Jerry’s gift.
I think it’s interesting and important (because even though I’m sure this episode will be painful) Anne’s crush is very much romanticized and infatuated. While I’m unsure about her realizing her feelings this early, the comparison to Mr. Darcy, the reference to novels seems in character even if the fact it’s Gilbert is sudden.
Can someone make a gif set of all the Cuthberts straightening up in front of a mirror.
Wow Anne really jumped to daisies. I definitely feel like they’re trying to do the whole dramatic teenager I LOVE THIS BOY AND WANT TO SPEND MY LIFE WITH HIM angst rather than set up her real love for him yet.
THE FOAL IS SO CUTE ❤️
Dellie and Bash ❤️ also oh my goodness he was knitting yellow socks for her.
Noooo Gilbert don’t belittle yourself. You’re an orphan and are incredible. Anne’s an orphan and she is too.
“can’t cook”.
How has Anne recovered from her cold this fast also?
They’re definitely going up in the hot air balloon.
Subtle reminder Ka’kwet is still in hell and we need to get her out.
There’s a stiltswalker. I literally wrote that into my fanfic.
I’m so scared about this cake but at least it will look beautiful.
Wow Rachel not making me mad for once ❤️
What is this ear pulling Matthew?
Also omg the white grub reference I can’t get over the throwback.
The fortuneteller and the smoke haha. I feel like this Anne would have more sense than to believe in fortune telling though?? I agree the daisy was more helpful but this is clearly just meant to amplify Anne’s infatuation.
It’s interesting that they spent so much time on how the fortune teller is clearly a fraud.
Diana please pay attention to and comfort Anne.
Aghhh I clowned myself I was right Diana was leaving because of something related to Jerry’s family but also they made Anne look this devastated over Winnie.
Also ugh it’s such a trope to have her see Gilbert help Winnie when she stumbles.
But also the handkerchief book signaling Derry thing was so well done.
The Rachel/Stacy development has been interesting also wow the shooting.
It’s interesting we have Prissy who is super feminist and advanced, Billy who’s a sexist pig, and Jane who is still figuring things out.
Wait so Mrs. Barry and Winnie are the only two people I’ve seen with parasols. I’m guessing it’s a status symbol? Something only rich people carry?
I hope Minnie May has her own storyline. She does reappear in a later episode.
DIANA A QUEEN I LOVE I SCREAMED. THEY KISSED.
But I feel like we definitely will see some sort of rift/problem given how fast this has been accelerating.
Also the musical theme for them (which also played during the scene by Diana’s house where Jerry quotes Frankenstein) is so so beautiful
No, Anne don’t go back to the fortuneteller.
Why is Gilbert so condescending about Queens? Also he’s not admitting that the Sorbonne is a dream because of money. Instead it’s the impression he thinks he won’t get in.
I’m learning so much about Winifred’s dad and yet I still know nothing about her. I hate when characters are so one dimensional.
“Can we PLEASE just enjoy the day” paralleling Gilbert earlier saying he’s just going to try and enjoy the day
What is this ear pulling thing we have now seen Matthew, Jack, Thomas Lynde, and Nigel Rose do.
Why do Gilbert and Mr. Rose pronounce Sorbonne so differently?
Couple points on Winnie. She seems to represent the part of Gilbert that was never content with the small town life and now also the part of him that is tired of fighting with Anne. So she really has been boiled down to whether he will choose an easy life with connections but no fire or Anne who makes his life incredibly complicated but extremely lovely.
Also it was interesting that they again paralleled Winnie stumbling with Josie stumbling earlier this season. (Post episode addendum her Mr. Bones scene weirdly foreshadowed Josie’s situation)
I swear Gilbert just visibly hesitated to introduce them to Bash. Also they really are making them out to be the perfect family which rings the alarm bells that either they are not or all they’re meant to do is be a foil for Gilbert’s current life/affections.
Okay it seems really extreme to have Anne call Gilbert her true love. Like I get they are trying to emulate teenagers but Anne is not like this and we already did this with Ruby.
“I want to believe you that it was true that someone could look at me that way. I never even dared to hope before” this hurts so much because we have seen how much Gilbert adores Anne. But also it hurts because Anne has just been able to accept family love and shes been told her whole life no one will ever want her. I’m crying.
But also I think it’s very important that this is a very idealized crush and is definitely emulating teenage fancies and the real realization from Anne will be much different.
I love all the eye/I puns and how this fortune teller goes against herself and decides to comfort Anne because Anne is just endearing like that. I think we’re supposed to simultaneously feel Anne’s pain while also being amused at the melodrama
Oh no they’re really doing this with the cakes.
Your schoolmate Gilbert? Really??? At least say she’s a friend.
I know they’re trying to make Winnie seem really nice but it’s strange she asks how Anne spells her name. It’s like it’s meant to add more weight to the visual way in which we see Anne comparing herself to Winnie.
Bash is so amused by the Winifred Anne meeting. I guess it’s also important Gilbert has told Bash about Winnie but still keeps his feelings for Anne a secret (even though they aren’t)
This cake thing bothers me so much. There was no need to take a relatively funny book scene, humiliate Anne in front of a large group of people and add to the already massive embarrassment she feels by having Gilbert and Winifred both be there. This episode just really was out to get Anne
Hmm so I think it’s definitely telling that Gilbert’s automatic instinct was to run after Anne to comfort her and he definitely looks upset when she runs off but I also don’t think he was super helpful. He clearly doesn’t get why she’s upset and also Mary would’ve been more likely to run after Anne and console her. I miss Mary.
Anne no ❤️ she’s hiding under the exhibit she was looking at with such wonder earlier.
Really? They couldn’t even let Matthew win. This is an adorable adorable scene between them though.
Matthew, Marilla how do neither of you realize Anne is upset because Gilbert is walking around with a super high class, beautiful girl.
The music when they get into the balloon is the same as Anne visiting Ka’kwet the first time + Gilbert taking the flower + Derry walking home the first time = new adventures?
Marilla on point “we are literally going to hell in a hand basket” “before I die, fly”
Yes Anne embracing her uniqueness ❤️
This is the most beautiful and joyous scene this episode and the music is excellent (ive definitely heard it’s before but I don’t remember which episodes). Well it plays when Marilla and Rachel head off to the oculist and Marilla tells Anne not to get into trouble
It’s beautiful seeing how Matthew and Marilla have grown due to Anne. This balloon ride is like symbolic of their relationship.
Passing over the first part of the dance scene which is clearly just an inverted love triangle from the last episode . .though Gilbert does look over at Anne after the dance ends...he also looks uncomfortable in certain shots with Winnie
I guess also “Seems like you’ve done this before” “I can’t hear you” parallels the first tea scene a bit.
I’m frustrated Ruby is basically the exact same just with a different boy who I guess at least shows interest in her
Also Anne dancing with Charlie >.<
It’s really effective that the scene with Billy and Josie is outside in the dark compared to the bright barn but also that you can hear the dance music and it seems garish and grotesque. Also FUCK BILLY ANDREWS.
Props to Anne for noticing something is off :-/
They do a good job portraying how rumors are spread fast and also twisted because it goes to people saying they saw billy and Josie
Hit him Anne HIT HIM . . .okay I guess I’m satisfied with yelling. Also I would like to point out everyone else looks shocked and confused.
I guess I understand why the other girls don’t get it given their different experiences but SIGHS. Also Diana constantly freaking out about Jerry when no one knows what she’s talking about
No Gilbert this is important
Okay but Anne’s references. Whose CABBAGE IS BIGGER. You don’t need a CRYSTAL BALL. Clearly salty about the fortuneteller and Matthew’s loss.
Oof she’s clearly jealous but also angry for her friend and I get that Gilbert doesn’t like being yelled at but also for him to just shake his head as if this is a normal Anne tantrum
Peep Gilbert looking back at Anne twice
Moody the mediator. I like the effect of everyone’s voices blurring together and fading
YES ANNE ACTIVIST WRITING but also im so scared about the potential backlash. I really hope they treat this story carefully because I’m so worried about Josie and Anne now and so so mad at Billy
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comicteaparty · 4 years
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April 1st-April 7th, 2020 Reader Favorites Archive
The archive for the Reader Favorites chat that occurred from April 1st, 2020 to April 7th, 2020.  The chat focused on the following question:
How do you feel about creators spoiling their own stories, and how does it effect how you read the comic?
Joichi [Hybrid Dolls]
As someone who's both reader & a creator, it can be really hard to restrain giving spoilers. But it could also be that they are excited to make this story and they wanna 'get to the spoilers' really soon. But if you are such creator, an idea is to find friends whom you can trust, don't mind giving critique/give spoilers to. As a reader it can be slight disappointment to learn about spoilers in a comic you were invested in and still reading. At this point, I might think, I'm going to get out of the conversation on the spoilers and wait until more content is made(edited)
DanitheCarutor
Being someone who was raised by a parent who wanted me to spoiler movies for them if I saw it first, I don't care about stories being spoiled for me. Experiencing the scene is usually very different than being told what it is, also once I get to that spoiled scene I've already forgotten about it thanks to my Quality short-term memory. Honestly, I would totally go all out spoiling my own comic, but I know most people hate that stuff so I don't out of respect. There have been a few times when I've talked about spoilery stuff not really knowing if it would be considered a spoiler, or because I'm talking about something else that is related and I have to spoil a bit for the topic.
shadowhood (SunnyxRain)
Personally it depends on how plot heavy the spoiler is. If it's something like what food/clothing/interests the characters have, I don't mind so much. But if it's something like who is going to die, who falls in love with who....I think the experience would be slightly more diminished.
Like @Joichi [Hybrid Dolls] said, I usually share the spoilers only with close friends, particularly those who know how to give their input. It's important to get feedback, but choosing who you tell is very important.
sssfrs (JOE IS DEAD)
I’m very protective of story details. I don’t want people to know any of what’s going to happen in my story. I like having secrets
I don’t really mind hearing spoilers myself much of the time because I mostly enjoy stories by looking at all the events in the story together. If I know all the events sooner that often lets me enjoy it sooner
Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)
I usually don't care that much about spoilers, unless it's about character death or something. Usually, I try to avoid them like the plague, just in case, but I don't really care that much.(edited)
chalcara [Nyx+Nyssa]
Personally, on other people's comics, I usually only refer to what's in the comic proper. Not too fond of having to read supplemental material, like creator QA's.
I know they can be nice for some readers, but I genuinely don't like it when the knowledge established in a QA or so is assumed to be known in the comic proper without ever being mentioned there.
keii’ii (Heart of Keol)
I'm having difficulty articulating my reasons, but for me, the creator spoiling things is different from a reader spoiling the same things. And reader-supplied spoilers can also be VERY different based on context and tone. I hate it when people spoil things for others out of malice (like when people were buying ad spaces, just after that one Harry Potter book came out, to broadcast [THIS IMPORTANT CHARACTER] DIES!!!!), even if I don't care about the work being spoiled.
Going back to creator-supplied spoilers........ it's something I can't relate to, as a creator myself? (Sharing spoilers in private is one thing, but if they're posting it in public...) This is going to sound negative and I apologize in advance. When I see a creator laying out the big spoilers in public, it makes me worry that maybe they prefer to talk instead of actually making the comic -- that maybe they won't make it to the ending. I'm happy to be proven wrong, of course. And there is no shame in dropping a comic before you get to the end (I've done that myself!). But yeah, public spoilers is one of those things that makes me worry.(edited)
LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)
^My thoughts exactly. It worries me in exactly the same way.
Deo101 [Millennium]
when it comes to reading spoilers, Ive never really minded. Granted, I'd rather have spoilers more towards "what to expect" because I otherwise will get a lot of anxiety. A bit of the way in, I want to know if something is going to be worth my time to get invested into, or if I should ignore the stress and just be along for the ride. Being told things like "this is a tragedy and you shouldnt expect to have a happy ending" and "everything will work out in the end" really calms me down when I'm reading. Getting small spoilers about character things, inconsequential plot stuff, etc. don't really bother me at all, but yeah I'm with keiiii where if someone is sharing the ending of their story halfway through I worry theyre not interested in actually working to get there.
I'll personally share in small private settings whatever people want to know, but I refuse to in a public setting share what I'd consider to be a big spoiler. I'll share small character things or vague plans and some worldbuilding stuff, but I don't see those as spoilers really.
keii’ii (Heart of Keol)
The "what to expect" thing is a really great topic though. I would love to discuss it in depth in shop talk when the caffeine kicks in
LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)
Ooh me too. I drop some future story features in my About page - very broadly. But it's more of a pitch than an outright spoiler. It requires some vagueness to be effective.
chalcara [Nyx+Nyssa]
@Deo101 [Millennium] Setting expectations correctly is very different from spoilers, I think, and more in direction of "what genre does that story fall under". Like a romance means happy (for now) ending for the main couple - even if you might end up disagreeing if an ending is happy.
It ain't a spoiler that a space opera has some kind of space travel, that kind of thing.
For me spoilers tend to cover plot specifics, not genre and general tone. That's setting expectations.
Deo101 [Millennium]
Yeah, but a lot of people really don't like to say that their story is gonna be a tragedy because they dont want to spoil that people are gonna die or whatever
chalcara [Nyx+Nyssa]
That's... bad marketing.
Deo101 [Millennium]
it happens constantly
Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)
I agree that a lot of times what creators share is basically bonus plot info, or extra details, or even warnings. I actually haven't really ever gotten a major spoiler from a creator.
chalcara [Nyx+Nyssa]
Mind you, you can have people die without being a tradgedy, see the majority of epic fantasy.
Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)
(On a side note, I have spoiled 100% of the plot of my comic to very specific close people in my life, but I don't know if that counts.)
keii’ii (Heart of Keol)
I don't think there is a single person to whom I've spoiled 100% and I'm jelly of those of you who have Story Confidantes!
Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)
Honestly SOs and close siblings are a GODSEND
keii’ii (Heart of Keol)
I'm close with my bro, but he's not into the kind of stuff I write. (might be getting off topic?)
RebelVampire
Yeah I do want to remind again here this should be about experiences as a reader, not as a creator. And I know there can be a bit of bleed over, but there's a point where the focus changes too much.
RebelVampire
I think this depends on who it's being spoiled to. If creators want to spoil their stories to close personal friends in private convos, I think that's A-okay. Even as a writer I do that, because it's good to have people to bounce ideas off of. And I think for more creators it's the same. Also, sometimes you just want to have a fun chat to de-stress and it's easier with people who you can tell all your secrets too. If it's being spoiled to people who asked for spoilers, that's also another matter where I think it's mostly fine. In fact, depending on what's spoiled, it can really help drive engagement. For example, if a comic is "spoiling" lore that has a significant bearing on the plot without revealing the exact how of it all. However, then we come to the matter of major public spoilers, which there are tons and tons of creators who do this. On the one hand, that's the creator's right to do so, so a part of me feels like embracing the can't be helped mindset. But, if I'm being brutally honest, as a reader 90% of the time it just kills all engagement with the story for me. I mean, what's the point of reading the story if I can just find out everything in a fraction of the time? Plus, for me personally, I enjoy theorizing and trying to guess events, mysteries, etc. And if I'm being told the answers, that basically ruins like 80% of how I engage with content. I'm also confident I'm not the only reader who feels this way, so personally speaking I don't think it's a wise decision no matter how juicy or agonizing it is to hold in the spoiler.
Feather J. Fern
For me, spoilers don't mean much. I'm still going to read the comic regardless. Now I spoiling something is funnier, because it takes me forever to get to the section which I spoiled, so something I spoiled would take a year to get to, and then everyone forgot the spoiler anyways. XD
I have already spoiled endings to my friends about one of my comic projects, and three months in they are already like "I forgot about that." So maybe it's just my readers haha.
DanitheCarutor
@keii’ii (Heart of Keol) About the talking vs. finishing the comic thing. If I decided to spoil it would be because I was impatient to discuss. Like, right now I have the worst itch just to talk about the climax and ending to discuss all the little details, what I could do better next time, if I should put trigger warnings on specific chapters, and/or how my readers feel. Would it keep me from making it to the end? Nah, executing and seeing the results are not the same as describing them. The emotions a reader has can change vastly when they experience an event vs. read a description, it's not as fulfilling... or as painful. At least that is my perspective, neither I nor my readers would get the full experience from me describing a major event/ending. I don't know how it would be for other creators though. Lol
keii’ii (Heart of Keol)
Yeah, it's definitely a case by case thing.
DanitheCarutor
Pff yeah, I imagine some people are less anal about execution than I am.
eli [a winged tale]
Great discussions here! If I’m the reader, I’d prefer not to be spoiled and enjoy the story as is. It helps me as both a consumer and a creator to see how the plot twists are planted and revealed. As a beta reader, though, I would need to know the story to give suggestions on how to execute said spoilers but this is more of a creator-to-creator basis. I totally get the itch to share and I think having betareaders/comic confidantes are great for satisfying that need while getting constructive ways to evaluate them.
LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)
Agreed. I think having at least one person within your reader circle who is privy to deeper details can be very helpful, both for editing and for motivation Especially if there are story details that won't be shared for years. It's a good way to prevent 'leakage'
DanitheCarutor
I need to get myself a confidant, not only would it help the itch but talking about it would probably help me better fill in the small details. There was a rl friend I had who got too busy and lost interested, and someone online who I talked to about smaller stuff, but I don't like bothering people. Especially since my comic is sooo... my comic. Lmao!
Gosh, I would be the perfect person for someone to confide in about their comic, I would totally forget about the spoilers after waking up the next day.
Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)
Tbh I don't mind if a story is spoiled to me. I'm the type of person who is like "okay so that's how it ends? How does it get there?" and I would be more upset if the creator spills those important parts that reach the end result. Though, when explaining my comic plots and details to my irl friends and beta readers, it's more of a planning session than things said in stone. Basically if it's something that I've not written down and could be a spoiler, yet I talk about it and those spoiler squeals aren't in the final scripts though. If it's an important detail and is a spoiler, I will withhold that information till the time comes.
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
I don't know what I'd think because I've never seen a webcomic I liked share spoilers before. I get the feeling that a "serious" writer would keep their twists private because they know they can show their plot better than they can tell it, if that makes sense. Even Sfeer Theory, a comic I really like that iirc did much of its brainstorming online, shut down their old worldbuilding posts once they got their actual comic started.
varethane
Personally, I'm not hugely opposed to spoilers, though it depends on the context. A lot of new webcomics when they're just started out will often only be able to market themselves with illustrations of scenes or dynamics that haven't quite happened yet, just by virtue of being so early on, and that's fine-- though increasingly less necessary the more Comic is released. The only kind of spoiler I might be actively mad about is if a comic whose appeal hingest largely on a central mystery or suspense spoiled The Answer, but I feel like most of the writers creating stories like that are conscious of this and keep that sort of thing under lock. There's also a big reason why I personally try not to share spoilers (and why I try not to put much stock by any spoilers I see posted by other webcomic creators, in case their process is like mine)-- which is that, basically anything that is more than a month ahead of the pages I've already drawn, is very likely to change substantially. I rewrite future plot points all the dang time. So if I shared something as a 'spoiler', there's only a 50/50 chance of that plot point actually coming to pass (unless it's one of the 4/5 big central plot linchpins); any readers waiting for it may come away disappointed, lol.
FeatherNotes(Krispy)
Def agree with Vare on this one. However, sometimes when a writer tells details to the point of no surprise in the comic whatsoever, that usually breaks immersion and interest for me. I've had a couple stories stagnate from having their plots revealed by the writer, and when the story hinges on that being a selling point, it tends to be very dissapointing to have done. Unless the story is character driven/ has characters charming enough to capture readers, i would def avoid spoiling the main plot points of the story if they can
eli [a winged tale]
I feel like anything in act 1 is technically not a spoiler since in books, the blurb encompasses act 1 even the beginning of act 2.
RebelVampire
Once again I'm popping in here to remind people this chat is primarily to talk about experiences as a reader, not as a creator. So let's not go too far into creator territory here.
snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)
It's hard to say how I'd feel because I don't really see writers post, like "X dies in the end" or whatever. Like it's not that common an occurrence, at least for comics I follow. What is common in my experience is creators posting ship art for characters that haven't shown up yet (thus spoiling that these are characters who will show up at some point, and at least have some interaction with each other). And with regards to that... I dunno. Like, my mentality as a reader/watcher of things is that a character doesn't "exist" until I see them in the story. Like, if I see a character in an anime OP, I'll be like "oh that character looks cool, I can't wait until I meet them". That is, I don't consider myself as having "met" them yet - I need the story as context. (for the record, that's true for me as a creator too - i know plenty of creators figure out their OCs' personality & backstory first before figuring out what sort of story they work in, and that's valid, but I can't imagine working like that) So anyway, to me creators posting OC art before they appear in the story is less "oh, i've been spoiled on what these OCs will do" and more "oh, i can't wait to read the story that these characters are involved in"
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botanyshitposts · 6 years
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gene guns? 👀
ooooo boy okay so 
the problem with gene editing in general isn’t the gene editing itself, but getting the gene into an organism in a way that it can modify the stuff inside of it. this is surprisingly difficult to do.
so in modern applications, we have stuff like CRISPR. CRISPR is essentially a modified viral structure. to back up even further here, viruses aren’t traditionally considered organisms so much as they’re considered molecular machines; a virus reproduces itself by injecting its own RNA (an offset of DNA that can be easily replicated by the cell) into a cell; this results in the cell integrating the invading RNA into the genome of the cell, where it then can be converted into proteins that make up more viruses. once the viruses become too numerous for the cell to handle, the cell literally explodes, and the viruses that burst out of the cell go to other cells and repeat the process. 
now, CRISPR doesn’t work exactly like that. CRISPR is comprised of a virus, yes, but instead of infecting a host with a terrible virus that kills cells and things, CRISPR uses the starting machinery- the stuff that cuts and pastes- plus whatever gene you want, and instead of an infection just introduces the modified genes into the cell’s genome, where after a number of tries, the cell might decide to integrate it fully and begin expressing it. i’m not educated enough on the exact mechanisms of CRISPR to explain it in any further detail here, but know as a clarification that you couldn’t really ‘catch’ a CRISPR ‘virus’; technically what CRISPR is based off of is a bacteriophage, witch is a simple virus that specifically infects bacteria, not humans. 
UPDATE/CORRECTION: ive been informed that CRISPR isn’t in fact a virus in and of itself, but rather a piece of genetic material isolated from the immune systems of bacteria, which preforms a variety of functions with RNA and DNA of the cell including, but not limited to, fighting viruses to an extent. 
so imagine this: your friend is in a manhole on a construction site. the ladder in the manhole is broken, and to free themselves, they’ll need to fix it with your help. to do this, you will have to help them modify the ladder by replacing a broken rung, so you get some supplies in a bucket to lower down to them. it’s very dark in the manhole, and they can’t see what they’re supposed to cut, so you first put in the bucket 1. a glow in the dark map to show them where the broken rung is on the ladder. then, you put in 2. a special pair of scissors to cut the old rung out. finally, you put in 3. a new rung. your friend already has glue because they’re just like that. you lure the bucket in with a rope, and using the supplies in the bucket your friend replaces the broken parts. your friend is pretty smart; sometimes, there are multiple rungs that are broken with all different instructions, and your friend can replace them all!
the bucket, and the things in the bucket, represent CRISPR and what it does; the only thing we change are the instructions on what to cut and the rung to replace it. (this was a rambling analogy that is completely unnecessary to answer the gene gun question but i wanted to learn about it and repeating it like that here helps me learn the topic so yeah.)
i’ve never used it myself, but i’ve been told that in plant applications, CRISPR physically manifests as a weird jelly that you load up with whatever fun stuff you want (the actual gene editing has to be done via another process in advance) and rub on the plant, and the machinery takes it from there. it’s really cool technology. 
now, here’s the thing. CRISPR is pretty new technology, too. it’s cheap, it’s effective, it’s very clean, and it doesn’t mess things up too much. 
now, before we had nice rad slime to put on things that would change an organism’s genome for us, we had people in the corn business in the mid-80s who wanted to genetically modify corn faster. so they did the normal, sane thing to do, which is to just fucking shoot the cells. like. with cell-sized bullets, bc fuck those guys.
so a ‘gene gun’ works like this: you got ur metal box equipped with an airsoft-rifle-like discharge, in the sense that it discharges a high-pressure air blast. you got ur DNA that u want put in the cells. you got ur cells, in plant contexts in the form of weird lumps of cells that can just regenerate into a full plant the same way a weed could fully regenerate from a single root, because plants are just like that. finally, you got ur nanoparticles, usually of a heavy element like gold or tungsten. 
you coat your heavy particles in the DNA in advance. u put them under the high-pressure air blast. under that, you put your poor plant cells that literally just want to live their lives. then, you turn on the gun, and it literally shoots the particles into the cells with the hope that at least one of the metal particles will just by chance happen to land inside the nucleus of a cell. like literally this is called ‘biolistics’. like ‘ballistics’ but it makes no fucking sense. 
here’s an analogy: your friend is trapped in a manhole on a construction site. instead of lowering down a bucket of supplies to help them like a normal person, you just tape the new rung to the front of a gun and just fucking shoot at the old rung. ‘dude!’ cries ur friend, ‘dude, what the fuck man!’. you do not listen bc u do not care. this may not sound like it would properly insert the rung like, at all, and a lot of the time it doesn’t, but sometimes it does. more often it just makes ur friend upset and sometimes injures them. it’s a very ‘then perish’ approach to gene editing, but that’s literally how we did it before we had the magic that is CRISPR. if you would like to try this yourself, there are multiple videos on youtube that apparently instruct you on how to build your own, just like the Dupont Pioneer corn scientists that originally jerryrigged the very first one in a corn breeding center lab in the mid 80s! wow! 
here’s a video of one firing. its a lot less climatic then i expected it to be (i’ve never seen one fired before in person); after a minute of the pressure building, the scientist flips a switch, and we see one of the protective coverings in the chamber just fucking break under the air pressure. i have no idea if its supposed to do that or not, but regardless i think its very symbolic of gene guns in general lmao. according to the description on the video, this is a test fire of tungsten particles coated with the DNA to make the successfully transformed cells glow. they’re firing at onion cells, which are commonly used in these test fires because they’re huge and make for bigger targets. they also note that if they’re lucky, about 1% of cells will end up actually glowing like they hope they will. thank god we have CRISPR now or we would never get anything done
youtube
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strawberryspeachy · 3 years
Text
K. I know alt stands for ASSITANT language teacher
But 2 things. 1) assitants fucking DO THINGS
2) the way they sell this job is like youre a teacher.
Constantly in this job i am treated like a clown.
And im gonna tag this and im probably gonna receive the same comments i get irl from rose tinted glassed ‘japanese people can do no wrong’ people
Thus far ive worked in 4 junior highs and 3 elementarys
Most of the teachers no matter where they are just seem so incompetent
Its no big deal that the teachers arent fluent in english - isnt that literally why alts are here??? So why don’t they ever take advice?!???
Im so fucking sick of being told how to speak my fucking language.
And not the ‘speak slower’ ‘speak simpler’ thats fine and ill accept criticism on my ability to communicate to people learning english as a second language. Not that.
Grammar, pronunciation, sentence structure - and what sounds natural
I hate the videos that are made for classrooms. And the fucking books
“A native speaker wrote it” - k no. Having worked here i know exactly how that went down. A japanese person wrote it, then went to either a business kiss ass ‘japan can do no wrong’ person. Or. Bullied someone into saying it was good by doing that annoying ass thing japanese people do
Where they ask the question over and over with “ok?” At the end. Cause they dont want an answer - they just wanna be told that theyre right or to do whatever they want. And they do not plan on receiving any answer besides “youre correct”
Its awkward cause ive literally been annoyed at my friend in the past for complaining about having a job where she does nothing and gets paid. Now i feel bad because i HATE going to work to sit and do nothing. But honestly - it has more to do with the fact that of all of my schools - only 1 has given me a nice place to sit.
Not a table that they store junk on and pretend to be surprised by me everytime im there like “oops sorry theres all this stuff (but like youre not a real person and we hate that youre here so just be happy we tolerate your existance and tell is your happy to have giant things all over your desk literally sticking in your face)”
Not the extra desk behind the printer that blows dust in my face as it goes off every 20 seconds
Not the desk under the aircon blowing on me/ in the corner next to the coldest window/door
Not a literal broken chair
Not a desk in the path of the class files where teachers have to constantly get to the spot directly behind me
And i was also that person thatd say ‘well if you dont like it - quit - theres plenty of people who WANT that job’
But like it fucking sucks. Cause i have experienced REALLY good teachers who actually team teach with you. I have had one school where i worked full time and got to see my students more than once a month - hence being able to actually get to know them and want them get better. I have been at a school with wonderful staff who welcome me into the school like im an actual person - not like ‘oh is today already the day we let the rat in the school to make the children smile again. Ugh.’
It fucking sucks. I linger on the hope of being able to work at a good school with good teachers full time
I cant find a better job because im a ‘beginner’ and corona
And im stuck getting treated like shit
I AM NOT a kiss ass. Never have been. It kills me to have to work with people who dont want me around
Most of the teachers i work with ARE NEVER PREPARED like wtf why??? Why dont you EVER plan ahead??? When im not prepared its because i have to wait to get instruction from you - you get to chose what you do
And they do basically nothing (not all like ive said ive worked with good teachers)
But most just
Read the book OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN. The students memorize the book passages - they have no clue about the context and if you ask them the same exact question but with a different subject like “do you have any shoes” instead of “do you have any bags” theyre lost. The teacher can get them to answer by saying the exact phrase from the book - but they dont know what theyre saying or how theyre actually answering. They just have it memorized
Then some teachers will have “conversation practice” where they take those exact sentences out if the book - put them together to form an awkward ‘conversation’ and then the students just read it.
Ooohhh look at them. Having a conversation!
Play fucking bingo.... why? They dont even make the students repeat the words for pronunciation practice - why the fuck do you play bingo everyday
Sing songs. UGHHHHH yea that could be fun if these 60 year old teachers would stop forcing shit from the 1940s on the teenage students. I cant decide if music too old for 30 year olds is worse or teachers who take japanese songs that have been translated into english is - lol you fucking hate english so much you cant find ONE english song to sing??? WHY are you teaching english?! - god forbid you let the students choose
Teachers who just give the students the day date and weather....??????????? Cool. Youve managed to ensure they cant come up with the simplest of fucking English questions on their own. Do you carry around those cards to look like you do a lot at your job when you dont? Oh yea probably
Because being in a school watching teachers is the way i learned that japan values looking busy over being productive. If you look stressed and busy all day - you are better than a person who got shit done but looked relaxed.
Why do you use the recordings when i am in the class?????????????????????????????????? THATS LITERALLY THE ONLY REASON YOU APPARENTLY HAVE ME THERE
K and like i said. I have worked with good teachers. In their classes the students are better at english (hur hur funny how that works) those teachers encourage the students to talk with me. Those teachers let the students try to come up with answers and questions on their own. Those students try and ask the teacher when they dont know how to say something to help with translation.
The shit teachers on the other hand - will jump in and stop a student who looks excited to try and trying to figure out how to say something. What does this teach them? Dont try. Just stay silent - the japanese teacher will just talk in japanese again soon - no need to try.
Jumping off that. Students who are good at english or go to juku - will dumb themselves down in classes with shitty teachers. Theyve learned its not good to know more or even nearly as much english as the teacher - pretend you dont understand. Pretends you don’t know how to say things - itll make my stupid teacher feel good. So. If i try to talk or do anything in those classes, even the students who understand will stop trying.
Speaking of just going back to japanese. WHY IS MOST OF ENGLISH CLASS IN JAPNESE???? Most of the teahers will jump at ANY chance to switch back over into japanese. English is just sprinkled into the class. Then they pretend to wonder why the students dont try and why theyre bad at english
And things ive been told in the last year
Dont ever be upset about anything ever
Lol yea just that for one
K but dont ever be upset about teachers doing ANYTHING because theyre just so GOSH DARN BUSYYYYYYYYY
Lol like intially i thought that was why ASSISTANT was in my title. I THOUGHT we were supposed to make them less busy by helping out with planning and grading and blah blah
Nope cause
‘Oh offer to help them! BUT dont be upset when they decline because theyd have to explain to you ANYTHING and.....’
So. Im a child?! I cant be trusted to do anything without proper instruction
Well yea exactly cause
“Oh! Hes probably your babysister haha! Japanese people are so nice! They usually have one teacher look out for you and help you with stuff - besides the head teacher- lol theyre kinda like your babysitter!<3”
K. So like. I need a bachelors degree for this job. Let me say again I NEEDED A COLLEGE DEGREE FOR THIS JOB. i had to move ACCROSS THE WORLD by myself. I have to ge able to fill out federal documents and find a house and pay my bills and follow foregn laws and figure out my way in a foregn country - but i need a BABYSITTER at work?!?!?!?? If im a minute late ill be docked an hours pay. If i do ANYTHING that slightly upsets ANYONE and japanese ppl are offended by EVERYTHING - i am liable for all reprucussions. But. I need a BABYSITTER.
Cant be trusted to be in a class alone (dont be offended its because your not a certified teacher) that would make sense except that YALL THROW ALTS IN WITH THE SPECIAL NEEDS STUDENTS ALL THE TIME - thats supposed to be an EXTRA certification on top of teaching. but Im too fucking stupid and untrustable to do anything with regular students alone, but because you dont like dealing with spefial needs - i can teach them alone.
You dont actually read their hw or check for correctness and most of their tests are just for fun it seems - but i cant be trusted to grade those either
You do the exact same lesson everyday and i only see each class once a month - but dont let me create any activity or lesson for them. Also dont tell me your plans until class is starting and then change it throughout the class and act surprised when idk what the fuck youre doing because you changed your mind while talking at them in japanese
Speaking of changing. I hate teachers who constantly change how they do shit. And again. Get annoyed at me when i cant follow their flow. Do i say hello first or do you? Are we even saying hello today? Am i asking how they are or are you? Are we letting them answer? Are we answering? Whose asking the day date and weather? Are we asking them for the day date and weather?? Whose saying goodbye? Are we saying goodbye? Which bingo version have you chosen today? Are they repeating the words? Yes? No? Am i saying each one twice? Do i have to spell out the fucking word today? Fast? Slow? What hell are you putting me through today
And when they ask me to take charge of an activity. But then change their mind. But then no no you go ahead please take charge. K no just kidding ill tell you and them what to do. Actually no you can keep going please be in control. K no too much english i wanna hear more japanese ill be in control - hey everyone thank the alt for doing that activity with you (me and the students look at each other visibly confused)
These teachers will ask me a question and no matter how i answer its wrong. I always answer shortly initially because... of course. But theyll tell me to GO ON!!! theyll keep doing that. So ill start answering questions with substance - then theyll cut me off - so i go back to answering shortly but NO! CONTINUE!!! im constantly caught confused exactly what they want me to say and now i barely ever tell stories to the students. I stare at the jte the whole time trying to guage by their face if i should keep talking or make it short. Its also awkward cause sometimes they jump in to translate and other times they want me to just keep talking in english with no translation. Regardless whatever way i choose is never correct and they always look at me like im an idiot
Yesterday a teacher did one of the things inhate that prompted this I WANNA WRITE ABOUT HOW MUCH I HATE THIS JOB
Hes a sub. Hes supposed to do the same lessson as the other teachers. He is NEVER prepared. And he does everything bad. So when he didnt have the stuff for the activity he said he wants the students to have conversations with me. GREAT! thats what im here for! Lets do it. So then he shows them videos he has of other students talking with an alt at another school for 5 minutes. Um.... k. Then we open the book to a page of 3 example convo starters. Except. Japanese teachers dont seem to understand that the book is meant to be EXAMPLES. he says ah like this but maybe change. Good ok! I think were on the right track. Lets read these examples and get to it. Nope. He has them have the example sentences with their partner saying its good practice.
No. Its not. Theyre just reading the book and then when they finish saying
“Do you know any good restaurants around here?”
“Yes i do! Theres a curry place over there”
“oh i love curry!”
Theyre not gonna make up more at the ......
Theyre just gonna talk in japanese about other shit.
Then he says ok lets have conversations. Finally
Nope.
He has the class repeat after him together as a unit to me “do you know any good restaurants around here?”
GFFEIWBAKDHWNDGDIEBS RAGEEEE
I said ive had convos in class before may i try like before
He feigns confusion
I ask a student “what kind of food do you like?”
She says sushi
“What kind of sushi”
The students in this class were excitable and chimed in each time.
This time (as usual because they dont know the fish names in english) She begins talking with the kids around her trying to figure out what the english word is for the sushi she likes
But the teacher jumps in and shuts it all down
Because the students are just way too shy to talk in front of the class. Their english is too bad. They cant.
Its extra aggrivating because the teachers at this school range from good to decent - except him. That was a second year class. The last time i was at this school the first years had a introduction 1 on 1 test - with me. And i was to ask them a question at the end. With the other 3 teachers when i asked the question if they didnt understand. I would try saying it in another way. If they still didnt understand - i would answer my question as an example. If they still didnt understand i would give them answers like
“What tv do you like” “do you like anime?” Wait for yes or no “do you like youtube” wait for yes or no (and so on)
If they still didnt understand (very few got here) the japnese teacher would translate the question)
And. If they still didnt understand. We would give them an answer and coax them into repeating after us.
If they didnt. Then they didnt get the point for answering the question.
This teacher. Him being the 4th teacher to do this test with me. Would IMMEDIATELY translate the question if the student didnt answer quickly after me asking it once and then talk to them in japanese and tell me their answer or make one up to me with something like “oh ahah they dont know when yet. So he doesnt know. Maybe he ate breakfast before school!” And then would shoo the student away and call in the next.
^^^ and this is how most teachers are
They sit during class. They play unrelated videos. They spend half the class acting like theyre too confused about their plan to even teach the class (but if i try to do ANYTHING like talk to a student while they sit in front of the class rummaging through their folder going “うーん」 「じゃ」「じゃあー」「そして」「それから」「えーとー」 theyll instruct SOMETHING or play some recording over and over) have i mentioned how they never seem to want to talk in english or listen to students talk in english in english class?? Most of the time theyre just having aside conversations about nonsense in japanese. They read everything themselves despite me being there - in a way where they really just wannt hear themselves talk in english.
Just in general. I hate when teachers talk about me in front of me and dont tell me what the fuck theyre saying. And it’s annoying when students ask them stuff in japanese about me and then the students look at me waiting for me to respond/the teacher to translate their question- but the jte doesnt translate. Or they ask a question that im not in charge of the answer for so even though i understood the question they asked the jte i cant answer them because its not my decision and the jte doesnt wanna look like the asshole that gives them an answer they dont like so they just dont respond so that i look like the dick whose ignoring the students
They do this with regular questions too. Sometimes i hear the whole question and understand. So when the students look to me and the jte goes silent - i answer - then the jte gets all out of sorts because 1) they wanted me to look like an asshole who doesnt wanna talk to the students 2) they deemed the questions not important and didnt want it answered 3)ew! The alt knows more japanese than i thought and she knows what im doing and thats a little embarrassing also what else have i said in front of her today that she might have understand - awkward 4) oh no if students know she understands some japanese they might ask her stuff and i wont be the only means of the alt and students communicating 5) that awk silence just showed the students that i didnt plan to translate something to her and i wanted to blame her and say she doesnt wanna answer that but now i was made a liar of
These arent personal queations btw. For example a student asked why does the guy in one peice eat a lollypop in the america version instead of smoke a cigarette?
This is an incomplete liste. Just. Honestly being an ALT is draining.
I feel like im at a restaurant again just waisting my life away waiting tables.
I actually really like english so being forced to listen to people who are supposed to teach it - purposely teach it wrong and force me to use it incorrectly hurts
I hate watching people suck at their jobs....and be rewarded for sucking at their job
I hate feeling like an outsider in my workplace.
I wanna feel like a real teacher.... not a clown
I hate doing something where nothing i say, do, or feel matters.
That last one. I hate that i can be treated like shit in my workplace AND get in trouble for not thanking people FOR treating me like shit. Not just take it. Take it with a smile!!!
I try to focus on the good things... but its just so damn hard cause ther far and few between and honestly i just wanna feel like im actually an educator to my students and like i can actually be a teacher with the ones who like me and come talk to me and stuff. But its not like i have have a teacher student relationship with them - i cant be part of their school activities. I cant go to their school events. I wont be at the school with them for more than a year.
Even at good schools when the teachers like that you talk with the students - i always feel this vibe of ‘keep it superficial’ dont become an adult they would trust. Its like you can feel them watching - ready to jump in when they think the student should stop petting the stray before they get fleas
I have a lot of teachers i remember fondly. Who id talk to when i saw them even when i didnt have their class anymore. Id tell kids in grades below me that they were lucky if they got them. When i hear about things happening at the school after i leave im happy to hear they got something good. Teachers who helped me understand something better or were just nice to the obvious loser in the class or made me laugh
I wanna be one of them....
Not the police man that came into school a couple times. Or the guy with the birds. Or the nice lunch lady who let you take food when you didnt have money and pay it back the next day.
I wanna be a teacher with a name.
Or at least. Do one of the only things im actually good at
So this job is unfulfilling
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heavyyhearts-blog · 7 years
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actually heres my side
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“ first, before getting to real stuff, aya has done this to other people in the past too. when she talked about them to me she said they abused her or abandoned her suddenly. i’ve only talked to one of these people, but they confirmed that aya actually abused, and then stalked them when they cut her off. i don’t have permission to post these logs so out of respect i won’t put them here. “
ive never been very clear in talking about my past experiences with most people. you make this sound as if every person that's ever "abandoned me" were all "abused" by me, when that's not the case. have i acted in shitty ways to some people? yes, but it never had anything to do with me being abandoned, at any point. one of these people, actually straight up disappeared from my life, and i have no idea why. they disappeared off skype and i havent seen them since. we had no problems between eachother whatsoever. a different example i can think of for someone i was talking about? they left because i was too stressful to be around. as in, i always complained too much and that kind of thing and it was too much to be around. i didnt even know them very long.  another example of a person i mentioned with that: they had really bad schizophrenia and like, trauma issues, and what happened there? they'd randomly like? actually start basically splitting on me and getting extremely angry at me out of nowhere for no reason, which i tried to be really tolerable of, until things basically got too much for either of us to handle and after a bit of dumb drama, we separated with , i believe, no hard feelings.
my point being? when i say "ive been abandoned by a lot of people" or whatever, im not literally claiming that i was abused by literally everyone and im some huge victim, lol. that last example? you could probably say i was abused due to the level of pent up anger they were throwing at me, , unprovoked
“ i’ve only talked to one of these people, but they confirmed that aya actually abused, and then stalked them when they cut her off “
first of all, this happened literal years ago. second of all, this person is still full of shit and i can't believe they still insist all of these bullshit lies. "aya stalked me" i hadnt visited your blog for months, i'd literally forgotten about you, yet you somehow still had it set in your head that i was "stalking" you. i wanted to remake my blog for a multitude of reasons, and one of them being, a more back of my mind thing, was, i didnt want you viewing my blog. so i remade. and, like, 2-3 days later, i got paranoid that you had somehow found my new blog, entirely new, so i asked my friend to go see if my new url was on there, because i didnt want to go back on your blog myself. and sure enough, there it was, my new url, even though i hadn't given it out to anyone or posted it anywhere, meaning you literally searched through notes of a post or something along those lines to find it. yeah ive explained this so many times now its fun :) not to mention your shitty friend(s) that would constantly twist my words around and lie saying i was doingthings that i didnt. and your only "proof" was logs of talking shit about me behind my back to one of my friends, you had no screenshots of me doing anything, because guess what, i never did it. wow. "i dont have screenshots because i deleted them all" okay bud. anyway
and now here's my main issue with everything: you are "calling me out" for things we have already personally talked about, that we either resolved, or i apologized for/said that i would try to stop doing so i can better myself which i have actually done? so i literally do not understand why youre calling me out for shit as if im some malicious person trying to hurt people that's just completely incapable of getting better or whatever. lets start
“i’ve tried to cut her off several times, both by trying to talk and express my want to stop talking to her first and by just blocking/ignoring her on everything. i made it clear i wanted to stop talking the first couple of times. she will spam and beg me and make new accounts if she has to. once ive added her back however she’s used that against me”
okay youre calling me out for this but you admitted what you did was fucked up too? and i dont know what else to even say to this other than im going to try to stop getting so attached to people like that so i maybe dont have such bad mental breakdowns every time i thnk someone close to me is leaving like sorry i cant. help feeling that way or control this thing specifically unless i just dont get attached like that at all, which is my fault.
[x] [x] [x]
here, you post a completely out of context rant from me, where i got mad at something you did that you literally admitted was fucked up. full context!
[x] [x] [x] [x] [x]
you even told me you had no idea what you were talking about with any of it.
“ one of the times that we weren’t talking she DMd my twitter mutuals asking them to screenshot my recent tweets. “
i told you my reason for it. i was extremely paranoid that you were talking shit about me behind my back and i wanted to know if you were or not, even though i did it in a really shitty way. i instantly felt so beyond terrible that i had done that. i was sobbing the entire time i was trying to apologize for how fucked up and wrong it was of me to do that, and even apologized for it again later after it had happened already. because i wanted to make sure you knew how sorry i was for it. i cant take something like that back.
[x] [x]
“recently, after getting so upset with me for doing the same thing in the past, she randomly blocked me on everything and refused to talk to me. i would understand if she hadn’t previously gotten so mad and upset at me for the exact same thing. “
?? i split really bad just like i already have been, due to , as i've already exlpained, the nonstop bad things we've had between us for months, to the point i havent been able to talk to you like normal anymore, because just seeing you pisses me off and everything you say/do will just piss me off. i cant help that. its not my fault. i cant just not split like that because we've had fucked up problems for months, that, guess what, shouldnt even be public here for all reasons ive already stated! but i also did it just because ive been deciding i need to get away from you for good, that i dont WANT to talk to you at all anymore. sucks to be treated the way you treat others right.
“ i posted on my twitter saying i wanted to drink and she instantly messaged me begging and spamming me not to “
and everything else like stalling, pressuring you etc. this is still. we talked about this. i said sorry. i got better about it. why do i have a callout.
[x] [x]
like this is literally all just trying to make me look bad in ways that i'm not. nice try, though!
“ when i cc’d bakugou and she tried to make me explain my trauma to make it Valid “
you're trying to make me look bad again. i was just asking because i was anxious wanted to know the reasoning for it and im sorry for pressing it at all but that doesnt mean i was trying to make you explain it so it could be "valid" shut the fuck up lol i even explained to you afterwards why it made me so uncomfortable and that it didnt bother me anymore, that i thought you were just blindly cc'ing him for no real reason like i just assumed it wasnt a coping thing or anything and thats my fault but??? youre trying to make me look bad for it so??? i'd even keep sending you fanart of him like.
[x]
“ she was extremely dependent on me and would spam me if i fell asleep before she woke up, she’d got upset and started splitting on me because i didn’t return her feelings of attraction. “
wat...
“ second, she’s blaming everything on her BPD and “not being able to help it,” or “can’t control herself” “
well, as you can clearly see, ive been anything but that??? but if you wanna keep telling yourself that, go ahead. have i said things LIKE that before? yes, when i was freaking out, over certain things i actually can't help, for example: abandonment trauma??? and like i said before: i need to try to not get so attached to people in the first place so that doesnt happen anymore! otherwise, should some sort of situation like that happen again, i can't handle getting that level of upset. so i prevent that by not getting that level of attached at all. like sorry but theres certain things nobody can help, even you. you're just trying to make it sound like this entire thing has been nothing but "i cant help it"
and lastly, we can't forget the fact that, for a long time, you wouldn't tell me anything. literally anything. i would repeatedly ask you. "what do i do that bothers you what am i doing wrong" etc and all you'd ever say was "idk" 95% of the time. i had absolutely no idea that for the longest time, i had been saying a lot of manipulative, shitty things and acting bad and etc, slash i had no idea that some of my episodes were actually affecting you that badly until way too late.
when you first told me that i had been acting so shitty, through a jpeg meme that was making fun of me, did i realize how awful i was being. i honest to god never had any idea and i explained this to you countless times. that i was  oblivious/i can be oblivious to shitl ike that and that i need you to tell me, otherwise I WONT KNOW.
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nice meme. :) but yeah clearly this is still an accurate representation of me, right?
[x] [x]
yeah, you got me though. im a toxic, abusive piece of shit that will never get better, all i do is hurt others, i can't change, ive never apologized, ive never gotten better. totally
and since we're playing this game,
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and now that i've said all this, i have nothing else to say. i can't make anyone believe me, but if you do, thanks.
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unrelated but important (?) prsnl post interrupting the queue
gonna keep this short prior to the read more thingymajig but i’m going through some stuff personally and I need to write it down and it’s ofc nothing to do with sims but a whole lot to do with me and I feel like I’ll feel better if I write this down. feel free to skip over this and ignore any form of feelings outside of my pixelated people. 
[trigger warning: death/suicide/self-harm]
today and tomorrow (may 10th/11th) marks the four year anniversary since I tried (and almost succeeded) to commit suicide. it is a very surreal week for me to go through the past couple of years, and the distance of time from said event does not change the fact that it happened.
I apologise for the detail i’m about to go into but I feel it is needed for context of how bad my situation had got. (I know I do not need to justify my feelings and my mental health but I am going to explain anyway).
I was in my first year of university, 250 miles away from home, and I felt like absolute hell. I’d made a few friends in my hall, but obviously, this is May, I hadn’t known anyone for more than a handful of months, and talking about my mental health was a difficult thing for me to process. I’d only really mentioned I had a diagnosis of depression to a couple of the girls and they’d been as helpful as they could, given that sort of social situation. I’d let university life get the better of me during my first year. I went out drinking until I could barely walk 4 or 5 times a week, and I’d sleep with pretty much any guy that paid me attention. One guy I met during my first week was a very on-off friends-with-benefits kinda situation, except I wanted more and he wanted less. I spent the whole time at university trying to get away from the toxicity of this relationship and consistently getting drawn back in, to the point it ruined friendships I will never regain. 
By May I was in a state of sort-of seeing someone else, but it was quite casual. I’d told him I wanted us to be a “thing” but he was quite happy to keep sleeping with other people as well (story of my life) and one night when he saw I’d texted previous week-one twat that I never stopped going back to drunkenly, he got mad and we fought and whatever chance we had of becoming something solid shattered in a matter of minutes. It felt so unfair. He was allowed to hurt me and go off with other girls, so why wasn’t the openness he wanted allowed to be the same case on my side?
I never planned to do anything with week-one guy, I think all I’d done was ask if he’d got home safe (forever the mother hen). Who knows. All I know is that this argument sent me over the edge.
I’ve felt like shit about myself pretty much constantly since the age of 14 when I found my mum screaming about wanting to kill herself and then having a go at me for not being there for her when I’d run off terrified to call my best friend for advice.
Needless to say my mum doesn’t recall this period of our lives. (She’s in a much better place now - and she has been for a while. I can’t remember what was going on but I think she had just hit a low. She never did hurt herself nor really intended to, and she’s doing fine now.)
I’ve always been shy and less-than-confident of my own abilities, but this was the start of Literal Hell. I spent my last couple of years at school wasting away to the point that about 7 different people in one day asked if I was alright because I had begun to look rather grey-coloured. I was sleeping about 3 hours a night and eating one meal a day. 
Things got steadily worse and then better and then worse and slightly better then worse then even worser after that (is worser a word? idk).
I know this is all over the place but I need to write this down. Props to you if you’ve got this far.
BACK TO THE STORY. After argument with said sorta-seeing-but-not guy, I took myself back to my room. (key point here: I was pretty hammered. The clubs around my uni sold very cheap drinks (the north of england is great for that), and I was still in my first year phase of drinking so much I couldn’t see). 
All I can kind of remember in that moment was that I felt like such a waste of space; that all I did was hurt the people I cared about, that I didn’t matter, that everyone would be better off without me.
I’d somehow become mildly addicted to painkillers over the year, without really realising, and in my darkest moment, I took a huge overdose. 51 painkillers to be exact. (Who knows why I had that many anyway). All I could think was I didn’t want to be alive any more. I didn’t want to wake up the next morning. I didn’t want to ever have to wake up again.
I spent the next day vomiting my guts up as my body desperately tried to get rid of the damage I’d already done to myself.
It was around 4pm when I had finally not vomited for about an hour and decided that maybe I should go take myself to hospital and see someone.
I will never be more grateful for something I’ve done for myself than this in my entire life.
When I got to A&E and awkwardly explained I’d had an overdose and needed to speak to someone, I got seen pretty quickly. Turns out 51 tablets that all contained paracetemol and half of them also with codeine, I was a pretty high priority case. 
I spent the next five days hooked up to an IV having medication to stop my liver from failing, and blood taken every hour. I vomited for six hours straight that first night. But I knew that deep down, no matter how awful I felt, I’d made the right decision to go there.
Nothing will ever be as hard as finding the strength to call my parents in the middle of the night to tell them what I’d done and where I was. Nothing will ever prepare you for how broken that makes you feel. Or when your mum arrives the next day, hotel and travel booked as soon as she could and time taken off work and tears streaming down her face. I will never forget the look on her face when she saw me in that hospital bed that day.
The nurses told me if I’d come to the hospital a few hours later that my liver wouldn’t have made it. I would’ve succeeded. My whole body would’ve shut down soon after. I would’ve died.
I had to find the strength to talk to crisis team therapists and tell my flatmates what I’d done and why I wouldn’t be around for a few days, and then trying to tell university why I needed mitigating circumstances to take an exam at a later date because sorry but I’m in a hospital bed in pyjamas that smell like vomit that I haven’t changed out of in a week. 
I’ve gone on a really long-winded way of telling this story, but the point is: today and tomorrow mark the four year anniversary of this happening. It’s painful to think that I still feel like this sometimes, but it’s also encouraging to know I haven’t stooped that low since. I’ve been close, many times. But I haven’t fallen back down that road again. 
I may not feel stronger, but I know I am. I’ve found the strength to talk about my mental health, instead of covering it up. I barely drink any more, and I will only take painkillers if I’m suffering from a migraine. I haven’t cut myself in two years.
I’m proud of how far I’ve come but also of how far I am also willing to let myself go. I know I will fight this, even if I spend the rest of my life doing so.
thank you for reading if you read this whole way and please, someone be crying too because I sure as hell am
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