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stillwooozy · 3 years

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im so happy be back in my apt it makes me feel guilty cuz i like being there for my siblings but

even post heart attack and covid and almost-death my mom is MEAN to me. everything i fcking do is wrong, and if ONLY i listened to her.

im a fucking train wreck, but im trying, and im functional. Idk i’ve learned to be proud of myself

I left at like 5am to “beat traffic” but rly i just needed to leave

My 12 yr old brother said he “didnt really love AoT & isnt invested in s4” but he’s giving Death Note a try so you know what. stfu.

A few hrs after i got back my sister called crying about my mom just being difficult to her. And i have problems w/ my sister but also.... come on. mom jfc. pretend to have an emotional iq for a second. My sister has always had a good relationship w/ my mom up until now. But i guess menopausal moms and their 19 yr old daughters dont get a long.

I have good moments w/ my mom. when she came home we were both got high on trams and weed & my sister was sober but hanging w/ us. My brothers were entertaining themselves and my dad was gone (dad and mom cannot be in the same vicinity of eachother, they legally married, but jfc they even live apart. it is hell when they are together) and it was so fun. i was making jokes (that i kinda regret because it was tmi) about the men i’ve hooked up w/ in the apt next door, and telling her about the “straight dads” down her residential block that are “discrete” on grindr. She thought it was hilarious. My sister allowed me to swipe for her on tindr & talk to guys and let me say - straight men really do suck. there was like 1 that was attractive & seemed to have a good personality & didnt want sex asap. & i think my sister is very pretty so she matched w/ a good amount of people. ANYWAYS straight guys either have 0 idea how to converse and/or just want to fuck right away. I mean those are grindr-gays, but tindr-gays arent looking for that - and if they are it obvious so u just swipe left if not interested in a hookup. I guess there isnt a straight-grindr but there should be. Anyways my mom was telling me stories about shrooming in college and when she hiked the TMB & hitchhiked around europe for 2 yrs, met my dad but forgot about him, and then met him in the US 2 yrs later. It was interesting, and she wasnt judging me & we were actually laughing. Ik its the drugs and that is sad. Ik she is “mentally ill” in some manner too, but i can’t control her lack of self awareness, all i can control is myself. And that is hard when i come from a long line of schizos & bpd & even a probably-APD! some diagnosed, some u just loook at and go “yea they are batshit” i mean... i also come from a family is severly traumatized ppl, either losing everything in ww2 and/or the whole israeli conflict. like jfc i do feel bad. fleeing europe to israel cuz no one else will take u, and then fighting for ur safety & really no other choice, and then finally ur offspring move to america and canada. my paternal grandpa is literally the sole survivor in his family of ww2, i mean he remembers nothing, he was the youngest and shipped off to America to live w/ a branch of the family that came a while earlier cuz they were offered business or something idk.

Im rly on too many stims. And yet. I am posting in my ~diary~. i get to work tomorrow and im actually happy cuz i like the research. although im having like.. nothing. u think grads are paid horribly (they are)?? Undergrads have to be groveling at the feet of ppl to get any kind of paid internship. i mean i had experience before cuz i did unpaid research for 2 semesters in another lab. My hours, when im not impromtu fleeing cuz my mom may die, are more than 40+ a week. i mean i have enough to pay rent and thats about it :/ as long as im not in debt im gucci. i stockpile on-sale dog food and im fine living off beans and rice so were good for a while. I have crypto that is a backup but that is either used for drugs and as an “investment”.

like i cant rly get a traditional 9-5 retail job while working in this lab. while also having full-time classes. i was doing lab work 20 ish hrs a week (unpaid ofc), managing my friends band/booking shows/promotating & getting a fair chunk from that, walking a neighbors dog 3 times a week but honestly that took 20 mins of my day & was almost a free $45 dollars a week cuz a just walked her w/ my own dogs, + full time school and.... pre-covid, i was getting into the groove of college & while not making a bunch - i was comfortable for being a 20yr old scumbag? i mean i was working my ass off for my friend but i enjoyed it and was optimistic as hell. i didnt have to cut myself off fully from the song revenue but honestly that was unusual (to my knowledge) for an indie band at all, but i accepted it ofc until covid. my best friend spiraled and 2 of the bandmates lost their jobs and like. their passive income was tiny so why tf should i take from it? shows & selling merch at said shows (for us) made the most. online merch is eh & i wont take a cut until after covid. Plus they are on hiatus and any local “hype” that was beginning to build is long dead cuz they are probably long dead. not high enough to give a shout out to my 2.5 followers cuz my identity will not be exposed hehehehe. i mean if someone rly wanted to u could figure out thru all my info dumping of my personal life on here but eh, pls dont. this is my fancy lil diary where i spew aboslute nonsense & show off how fast i can type when i type before i finish any type of concise thought in my head

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modiintrainguy · 5 years

Text

Message to the Mrs

February 26, 2019

On Wednesday last week I had a bit of a bad evening - as usual i built up an expectation of how i was finally going to start organising and deal with things that evening and then i didnt. i sat in the dark when the kids went to sleep and when mrs came home i said id look for a job while she went to the therapist but instead i went to bed and watched some tv programme about a year off on iplayer. then when she came home she said shed been discussing litlun and that even if there are other issues, my “mood swings” have obviously been a big factor. and that was it i felt awful. all i could think of was “they fuck you up your mum and dad”. the mrs saw i wasnt feeling good and asked me why but i just couldnt talk - maybe i gave up too easily but i just shut down. so in the morning i started wrtiting to her on whatsapp to try and explain what happened. then i felt my manager would see, cos i was writing on the computer, so i started writing in a word doc. but i never finished it.

anyway thought i might as well put it here.

This is what i wrote on word:

>>>>>>>>>>>>> One thing that really frustrates me is that we don’t plan things most of the time and then we don’t really do as much as I feel like we should. I feel like we are wasting our lives – we have the opportunity to do things and go places and experience things and we don’t do them. We don’t go on holiday, we don’t go to places. We don’t make plans with other people. This is my fault and your fault but I know that if I knew how much money we had and we planned things properly we could do so much more and get so much more out of life. But of course it means researching where to go, speaking to people, planning things etc. I always feel like we have some sort of amount of money to use on doing stuff and going places and we could use it so much better. also i know this bothers me alot more than it bothers you.

And I forgot to write about how im so confused about my mind/mood issues. I just don’t know what exactly is wrong with me and who I can go to see to work it out and therefore what I should do to improve it. I know something is wrong. Obviously. But I get upset that people are so easy to tell me its depression and I should take antidepressants – because it is such a simplified analysis. all these medications do is increase the amount of serotonin (or dopamine or Norepinephrine) in the brain, and theres no reason to think I have a lack of serotonin/dopamine/Norepinephrine in the brain apart from people kind of guessing that the lack of these neurotransmitters could perhaps be the cause of mental disorders. So by agreeing to take these antidepressants that its like saying the low level of serotonin/dopamine/Norepinephrine must be one of the main reasons for my problems and now we are well on the way to improving things. There is a lot of evidence that these drugs don’t even help and could even make it less likely there will be an improvement in the long term also. And the potential long-term affects are not clear at all – as far as I have seen in the limited amount ive looked into all this, these drugs have permanently change the way your brain works in the long term. Of course, I know that mindfulness and breathing and meditation can help – and I try to do them - but I don’t think they are overall solutions. So im all confused and uncomfortable because I feel like ive got stuck, like im at an impasse.

The one thing ive read/heard about that sounds interesting is called “Critical psychiatry” – a network of psychiatrists who are sceptical about the efficacy of medication and the focus on medication as a cure and on using catch-all terms like depression to describe an individual persons situation. So I thought is should find a psychiatrist who comes from this perspective. Im just uncomfoirtable with spending so much money on sessions unless it really feels like its going to be worth it. Like instead of going to 2 psychology sessions or just one psychiatrist session I could have a brand new pair of trainers.

So the thing is, each day when im in the office all these things rush through my mind. And I think I cant deal with it now so I’ll have to deal with all or at least some of it in the evening.

So I start imagining how in the evening I’ll sit with the computer and plan money and my amazing intermittent fast-keto diet food plan and an exercise plan and jobs and all of our food and supermarket plan and a holiday plan and work out yoga and stuff, and look into the theories and writings about psychological disorders and “critical psychiatry” and possible therapists. and I also know I need to clean up and do washing and stuff and I feel terrible that I leave you to deal with the clothes washing as well as organising money and all the million other regular things u do just to keep our household running normally.

But when I get home I feel overwhelmed - with the reality of the situation and how bad I feel about how you are tired because I feel like its my fault for not doing enough and for making you feel upset and uncomfortable in your own home because I have what you recently started describing as “mood swings” but really its me getting frustrated with things and expressing that frustration in a negative way.

And im also tired and I feel I deserve to have a rest and I know im going to have to get up early – either 5.30am or 6.30am so I feel like if I don’t go to bed soon im going to be tired.

If I’ve picked up the kids then I can’t do anything till ive put them to sleep, and then I usually sit in the dark for a bit because I don’t want to disturb them once I leave their room and I cant work out what I want to do and also I feel like I cant do anything till I have at least cleaned up the kitchen and organised my draws in my room and dealt with the washing. And I get frustrated about the mess and the dirt and the lack of real organisation and how I can never remember how to do the washing machine and drier.

And if I don’t pick up the kids and get home after they’ve gone to bed I see you sitting there trying to just relax and take yourself out of the stresses of your situation by watching video clips on your phone or on the tablet. And I feel even worse because of what ive done to make you feel like this, even though I know its not only because of me – its because of your stress at work and your dad and you miss your mum and how you feel a bit uncomfortable in Israel and how you worry about the girls and all this other stuff. But still I blame myself because I am to blame for a significant part of this.

And then I start regretting and feeling upset about how ive not stuck to the diet and I fucked up the job interview and I cant work out what I really want out of my job or my life and im never going to have time to organise a holiday or even things to do on Fridays and people to invite and how much we can afford to spend on people.

>>>>>>>

Then i sent this message:

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mychristopherstokes66world · 5 years

Link

Rural and suburban folk in the midwest and everywhere else have the same culture and values as their southern counterparts and are viewed with hatred and contempt by the urbanite hippies. It will be over quickly since you cant get food in the cities without shipping it in. They are also a powerful and vocal but tiny minority. Their pets will tear their progressive urban utopias apart. It won’t be a civil war. The cities will be anarchy, the south will be race war, and everybody in the cities will die. It’ll be over so quick it wouldn’t be fair to call it a war I think California or large parts of the Bay Area on down turn into Latino ethnic states. Depending what happens to the Chinese population in the Bay the Chicoms might actually push in to carve out a sphere of influence in SF. Texas and Florida turn into Hispanic/White semi-ethnostate states with token black populations. They deport all their Nogs to Miss, Lousinana, Alabama. The nogs will likely end with Mississippi as an ethnostate when they get pushed out of those ther states plus Georgia. That place will be where any blacks that don’t play ball under those new regimes will be deported to. The Northeast turns into a bloodbath for years, but the Great Plains and Pacific norwest come out fine. Thoughts?

Unlike the first civil war, the urban areas are now completely dependent upon rural areas to survive. We are also extremely infrastructure dependent. Remember when the first civil war happened before the electrical grid existed. It occurred before the significant supply of urban water came from wastewater plants and reclamation (requiring power and lots of chemical shipments).

The moment the infrastructure like highways and railways to the cities are destroyed or captured is the moment the urban areas begin to starve and riot. The urban areas will literally destroy themselves as the inhabitants panic just trying to survive (food, water, electricity will be gone quickly).

Which is what we want. A good anon should have mapped out key infrastructure near him that supports his area and the next urban area and have a plan of dealing with or securing it in SHTF.

Also know where your Nog areas are and think of natural ways to keep them bottled in.

Critical infrastructure like substations, power plants, aqueducts and pumping plants will be heavily defended as high priority assets. Many cities also have ports and will be able to receive goods and support from allies. They won't be completely isolated. Also a fair amount of inland cities will likely side with rural areas (middle america).

In a real SHTF hot civil war, law enforcement will be low priority. Infested areas will be rampant with gangs going full highwayman, hijacking citizens and raiding homes. It will be fucking ugly. You can't really bottle them in. Nog gangs would essentially be running their own micro insurgencies inside the overall conflict.

Both sides will have insider threats. Civil war is not simple. It's not pretty. It's not thou are on and who wins. And if you don't die, your way of life will be changed, likely for the rest of your life.

Imagine the small minority of sympathizers in your area poisoning your town's water supply. Imagine organized firestarting all around your town burning your house down and killing many of your friends and family. Its not going to be fun and clean. There are no pure divisions. Its not like everyone north of X state is the enemy, its more like X% of your local populace is now going to try to kill you and your family covertly.

Nobody could tell you accurately. It would take a concerted effort to revolt by a lot of people. Civil wars typically start in 2 ways:

You usually see a shit-ton of the people in the streets protesting the government (which we don't). The whole resist trump marches and shit are not comprised of people who want a civil war, they are mostly comprised of people who just don't like the president and want someone else in office; they are not willing to sacrifice their lives in this effort.

The country is invaded or some kind of governmental collapse causes a power vacuum.

In otherwords, we are not close to a civil war. We do see an extremely anemic threat of domestic terror from Antifa, but that can be almost instantly quelled. If the federal government designates them a terrorist organization, they will be completely fucked. Their loudest, most influential, and violent will be v& and shipped to Guantanamo so fast their heads will spin.

I’d say 10 years at least but no more than 20.

In the next ten years and after this census we are really going to start feeling some demographics realities. After the census a lot of interior red states are going to lose congressional seats and EC votes (the seats matter more) to Blue states- that’s what this influx has been about from the getgo. Remember the census counts everyone with a pulse for congressional representation NOT legal citizens so the next reapportionment secures a Democratic Congress for perpetuity.

The Republicans will NEVER take back the house. Within 16 years white demographics are not enough to hold an election. That’s when the real fun begins...

I wouldn't bet on it. As we stand now, the democratic party stands to be hoisted by their own petards. The acceptance rate of socialist policies by young americans is dangerously high, and this could stand to make the current cracks in the democrat party now to fracturing fissures in as little as 10 years. If a real fracture occurs and another party forms. the democrats essentially lose a large percent of their young to mid-30s voting base and republicans (if they hold their sails) will dominate them. Right now there is just too much up in the air to make a solid determination either way, just that we aren't close yet.

Except the socialist policies are more accepted by the younger non-white voting base and their numbers are rapidly rising. Furthermore Bernie has successfully managed to create a marriage of that socialism with “racial justice”. Effectively socialism gives the minorities their “equitable” share of American wealth.

The only non-whites that are not hip to this were already elites back home before fleeing socialism to come here. They’re already Republican and there’s simply are just not enough. The issue is the Democrats have tapped into the poorest classes in the hemisphere and have been importing them by the millions over the last decade. I know these people- they will vote to line their pockets. They are two layers deep into the Democratic Party- they get financial justice from socialism AND racial justice from wealth redistribution.

Don’t discount the fact that the education system isn’t built to handle this influx either. These kids will grow up without skills and without an economy to participate in and they will be angry and they will coming to whites for their due.

I prophecy that a man will appear. A good man who loves his nation. (CIA CLOWN) He will tell us that minorities are to blame for dividing us. He will unite whites. Blacks will be given Florida because of trace sympathy about slavery. A wall will be built just south of Jacksonville, all the way across to the other side. Hispanics will be shipped en masse to their countries of origin. Jewish assets will be seized and they will be sent to Israel. The LGBT community will be identified as a health crisis that endangers everyone else with the threat of STD’s and they will be banned an shunned. Mental hospitals will be restored and they will be put in them where they all belong. Having been sickened with interventionism, the US will return to the old ways of war. Destroying nations that don’t behave and leaving them in ruins without giving aid or helping them rebuild thus reverting countries back to the Stone Age. A moratorium will be put on all immigration except from European countries and Australia. Except for Swedes. Because we don’t accept cucks.

But Blacks? Mestizo and Indian hispanics? The Democratic Party appeals to them at all aspects of their life from young to old. The post Great Society Democratic party is built upon a foundation of pandering to nonwhites and growing their numbers in order to solidify their power. It’s machine politics and they did it before with the Irish except what you have today are minorities that are too far away from being accepted into white society and supporting the current power structure. Castiza hispanics yes but Blacks and the rest- no. The majority of Blacks and low class hispanics will never accept white rule as a basic tenet of this society.

No matter how hard the Trumpster tries to redefine the national main to include based people of all races it is too late and that line will not hold- the cat is already out of the bag and the non-based Blacks and hispanics want their gibs from Whitey.

Marianne Williamson literally just did some math on the stage “involving 40 acres and a mule” and she actually sounded like she knew what she was talking about lol

Cities now have massive populations of leeches, criminals, and non combatants that would require enormous resources and manpower to keep in line. The major coastal cities could theoretically survive on foreign aid but I don't think they will be able to organize an army that can be used to project power into the rural areas, especially if they have tens of thousands of people tied down maintaining order and guarding infrastructure. The major coastal cities could survive on foreign aid for a long time and would be difficult to assault. Expect foreign combat troops to be deployed as well. Probably hundreds of thousands split between the coastal cities. Most of the liberal sides combat power will likely come from allied military formations.

Interior cities wont survive such a conflict. The interior of the country would be easy to secure but the most realistic chance of ending the war would be to capture the nuclear arsenal and use it to threaten the countries supplying the liberal side. Otherwise I don't see how such a war could be brought to an end.

You didn't realize there was a white pill hidden in #WhiteGenocide did you? Neither did the Jews. They did this to themselves.

http://magaimg.net/img/7nfi.jpg

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>White genocide white pill

Far right conservative whites exhibit k-selection and therefore are more loyal, protective, and supportive of offspring, family and racial group.

http://magaimg.net/img/7nfh.jpg

Western civilization is our birthright.

http://magaimg.net/img/7vok.png

Exhibited by the facts that...

We work much harder

http://magaimg.net/img/7nex.jpg

We make/grow all the food

https://files.catbox.moe/4tvluq.png

And are much smarter and more inventive

http://magaimg.net/img/7nff.jpg

Our women are also THE most racially loyal despite constant Jewish propaganda.

http://magaimg.net/img/7nhm.jpg

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The extreme far right is the only group with positive population replacement rates. Which means the white world will be ours

http://magaimg.net/img/7ney.jpg

Whites are the fiercest and most capable warriors. Do not fuck with us.

http://magaimg.net/img/7nez.jpg

Nostalgia for our culture and stolen prosperity is what will fuel the revolution. This is why the Jews seek to destroy our history. It is our kryptonite.

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We also own the largest amount of guns for a single homogenous civilian group. 46 million white, right wing adults own 125 million firearms. For context, this is 21 times larger than the world's largest army of 2.1 million soldiers in China and 31 times larger than the U.S. Army, most of whom are on the right.

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We are objectively the most beautiful and most diverse.

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And despite all the Jewish brainwashing and trickery, we are waking up unlike never before and realizing we are part of a much larger group. IT IS OK TO BE WHITE.

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The Jews hate to see a group superior to theirs create the wonders of the world.

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This is why they throw everything they have at us. Through all their media outlets, they try to convince us being white is a curse and is detrimental to the world.

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Make no mistake, their media reach is vast and powerful

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They tell the lie that whites don't have any culture when they know our culture is the most desirable. Some say it is even divinely inspired.

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The reality is that there will come a time in the very near future when the white man wakes up and decides he's done taking shit. The world will change forever.

http://magaimg.net/img/7h4p.jpg

NO MORE BROTHER WARS

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That depends on how much the rest of the world is willing to ethnically cleanse white americans. All of africa and the middle east would be willing to take down america. China wants a piece of our ass. Latin America is going to zerg rush as many shock troops as possible through the southern border. The only true allies we'll get are europeans in either europe or Australia/New Zealand. Maybe some based asians at best but I doubt the Japs are going to help us after the nukes we dropped on them. If the rest of the world gets told that America is now le ebil fascist nation then it's possible that they'll gang up on us to split up America. That doesn't even include the people already here that are willing to slaughter whites. We have a chance at winning but it's going to be tough. Most of the world is going to turn it's back on us but they're pretty much already doing that

The United States was founded as and always intended to be a European ethnostate. Immigration of anyone non European WAS NOT ALLOWED until the Immigration and Nationality act of 1965. The Jews played an outsized role in getting this legislation passed and ushering in the genocide of whites in America.

Learn your history...

The Real History of the United States https://archive.4plebs.org/pol/thread/203707685/

> Founding Fathers

Alexander Hamilton, Founding Father, on the white ethnostate

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Ben Franklin, Founding Father, on the white ethnostate

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John Dickenson, Founding Father, on the white ethnostate

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Charles Pickney, Founding Father, on the white ethnostate

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James Madison, Founding Father, on the white ethnostate

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Thomas Jefferson, Founding Father, on the white ethnostate

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Thomas Jefferson, Founding Father, on immigration into the white ethnostate

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Founding fathers compilation on the creation and maintenance of a white ethnostate

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Founding fathers ethnostate compilation

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US presidential compilation calling for racial exclusion and homogeneity

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>Westward Expansion

Oregon territory racial exclusion

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The expansionist movement out west didn't want slavery, not because of its moral abhorrence, but because it was and the white homogeneity of the community

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Abraham Lincoln on racial separation

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Abraham Lincoln wasn't anti slavery, he was anti separation.

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>14th Amendment

The intent of the 14th amendment, as told by its author.

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https://thedevilman666.blogspot.com/https://www.facebook.com/groups/qanonreports https://twitter.com/CIACLOWN1 https://www.bitchute.com/channel/ciaclown16661/

#CIA CLOWN #RED PILL #REDPILL #ANON #HONKHONK

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meetthehannah · 7 years

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this is pure blab

so im just going to type and type and not look back at what im typing because i need to get this shit out

so i really really like this guy im seeing. i think its driving me crazy. one thing you should know about me is that im a very rational person who, while im also very emotional, does not like letting my emotions get in the way of my decisions. i tend to like letting my rational side take the wheel, while my emotional side just sort of sits on the floor and watches some youtube videos to keep it busy and occupied. recently, ive realized that this is the first real crush that i have had in years.

backstory: when i was in tenth grade, i traveled from canada to israel to complete my highschool education there. in the first year- aka 10th grade (but also since 5th grade)- i was feeling very insecure about my body. i was overweight, i had self-harmed since 7th grade, and i would bury myself in books to keep myself from talking to people and embarrassing myself. i found a few good friends, one of whom tried to help straighten out my diet (actual help, not just her telling me to only drink water and not eat at all) and she helped me lose some weight. even though i lost a little bit of weight, my self esteem was an all time low. i had started cutting more often and more...more. my wrist and arm and hip and thighs are still covered in scars from that time in my life, of which i am now very ashamed. but anyways, my self-esteem was very very very low. i met this guy at school. he was a year older than me (we’ll call him joe) and showed interest in me. now, the only thing i’ve ever done before this time was kissing and due to my weight, size, and general low self-esteem, i didn’t even think about doing anything else. so anyways, i went out with joe and after a week or so we started fooling around a bit. i told him i was a virgin and he never pressured me into sex, but we would do other sexual acts. i started to feel wanted, attractive, and even confident. eventually, i stopped seeing him and fell into a heavy depression again. this cycle kept going and going, with me finding my worth in the guys i would sleep with. fast-forward to 12th grade and i was still in the dangerous cycle of sleeping around, starving myself, binge-eating, vomiting up the food, developed a smoking habit, and cutting (although much less at this point). i have had shitty boyfriends, all of them who i grew way too attached to. my grades were in the shitter, the school found out i was cutting myself (and it was a boarding school, so they actually did something about it), and i was having breakdown after breakdown after breakdown. i was a total physical and emotional wreck. in 12th grade, however, i found a lot of supportive friends. i finally started exercising, eating more (more normally and more healthily). eventually, I met another guy (we’ll call him jack) and we started dating. this was the first healthy relationship that i had been in in around 3 years at that point, and he was amazing and sweet and supportive, but i didnt feel anything for him. we had to break it off because he moved back to the usa and i moved back to canada after i finished highschool. at this time, i had lost a good bit of weight, exercised regularly, and kept a fairly normal and healthy diet (still smoke though), as well as gotten over what i like to call my “slutty ‘college’ years” and didnt feel the need to sleep with people for validation anymore. At the last bit of 12th grade, i studied from dawn till dusk just to pass all of my finals and classes and ended the year on a decent note. i dated another guy after that, and while he was also very sweet and good to me, i dont remember really feeling anything for him either. i didnt really have any romantic feelings for most if not all of the guys i was with, i was just looking for validation, and back then validation was who i slept with.

backstory over. i am now 18 years old, in my first year of university and planning to double major in psych and child studies. my grades are very good (-A average. yeah, im surprised too) and the only self-destructive thing i now do on a regular basis is smoking (cigarettes). i occasionally get into depressive states or have panicky states, but besides that, everything is mostly fine.

now...this guy. im going to call him daniel. ive known daniel for about 5.5 years, and we saw each other again less than a month ago at a dinner. we hit it off and he asked me out. we went out a few times and i think things are going really well. we aren’t an official thing yet, but i think he’s interested. and i know, for sure, that i am interested. like i said, and if you read above youd get why, this is the first real crush ive had in a long, long time. we’ve never had sex, but things occasionally get a little hot and heavy. i cant help but feel a little ashamed of myself because after everything ive been through...im starting to feel the way i did back then again. i hated feeling like that, it was a really really shitty feeling. a few days ago, i was with him again and after taking off our clothes, i got the feeling again. its a sort of nausea that doesnt really feel like nausea, like a pit in your stomach. and then id get memory flashes of what i was like in israel. daniel asked me what was wrong, and i explained everything to him, and said that i didnt want this to go too fast. he was very understanding and just ended up cuddling and watching a movie instead. hes very very sweet and i really like him. i just hope that i dont seem like damaged goods to him, and that he really respects me. im scared of his rejection.

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