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#(i mean this school generally needs higher grades for its students)
kaitoujokerscans · 9 months
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Get Back Hachi’s Memories! CH4
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<4> The Secret Curry Seasoning
Hachi, full name Fuuma Hachi, was a ninja born in Japan.
Nobody knows for sure when the first ninjas came about. The word ninja literally means "one who hides", which makes them difficult to trace through history. One theory is that ninja were first employed during Prince Shotoku's reign in the sixth century. Back then they were called shinobi, "heralds of good news", and the name for them changed over time.
Ninja started to gain notoriety in the Sengoku period. They were valuable assets for generals in need of fleet-footed men. In the Edo period, the primary role of ninja switched to espionage. The bakufu engaged them as mercenaries and sent them all across the country. They spied on the secrets of daimyo and gathered local intelligence. Some even say that the famous poet Matsuo Basho, who composed haiku during his travels through the interior of the country, was himself a ninja.
There are multiple schools of ninjutsu, the most famous of them being the Iga, the Koga, and the Fuuma. Hachi belonged to this last group. In the present day, the different schools intermingle. When Hachi was a child, he went to Ninjutsu School to learn the basics of ninja arts. During his time there, he met Koga Hyakkimaru of the Koga clan. Hyakkimaru was in a higher grade than Hachi. Hachi was a poor student and a crybaby, but Hyakkimaru always came to his aid.
 A few hours later, the Sky Joker reached the airspace over Koga Village. A great tree which served as an icon of the ninja village grew at the center of a vast forest, and beside it stood a gigantic castle. However, there were no classic shachihoko ornaments decorating the roof. Joker had stolen the golden shachihoko in a previous caper.
Joker, presently Kaitou Joe, parked the Sky Joker next to the castle. He could've just descended from above with Balloon Gum, but then Hachi might've figured out his identity.
The two of them headed for Hyakkimaru's hideout in the forest.
There were ropes and cords strung all across and between the forest trees, like some kind of obstacle course. This area was probably used as a ninja training ground. After a while, they spotted a large oak tree. There was a small, inconspicuous shack halfway up its trunk. This was Hyakkimaru's hideout.
When the pair arrived, Hyakkimaru had just finished his regimen and was catching his breath.
"It's been so long, Hyakkimaru-san!"
"Well, if it isn't Hachi! Good of you to visit," greeted Hyakkimaru with a natural smile which showed off his fangs. A Koga mask rested upon his blazing red hair, and he wore a light yellow haori above his grassy green ninja gear. Two ninja blades, his weapons of choice, sat crossed over his back.
"Here's a little something for you!" Hachi promptly handed over a wrapped-up bento box. Hyakkimaru lifted the lid and found chikuwa fish cakes like the kind used in oden packed inside.
"Oh, you remembered my favorite! Let me try one now." Hyakkimaru picked up a chikuwa and put it in his mouth. He chewed it, savoring the flavor, and a look of happiness broke out on his face. "Indeed, it's flavorful to the core. You've gotten even better at this, Hachi."
"Thank you!" Hachi also broke out into a smile. The whole room was filled with a warm and genial atmosphere like they were back in their school days. Meanwhile, next to Hachi, Joker as Kaitou Joe was just sitting idly cross-legged.
"I didn't expect you to visit all of a sudden. So what brings you here, Joker?"
"Ah...!" Joker tried to cover up what he was saying, but it was too late.
"Joker, you say!?" Hachi instantly stood up, gripped the hilt of his sword and scanned the room with eagle eyes. "Where are you, Joker!?"
"Huh? What are you talking about, Hachi? Joker's right in front-" Hyakkimaru started to say, confused. In a heartbeat, Joker pointed to outside the window.
"AH, there he is! Up on that tree, there's someone that looks like Joker!"
"Really!?" Hachi ran up to the window and put a hand to his brow, scrutinizing the outside. "Looks like he's not there anymore..."
"Agh, he must've gotten away..." Joker acted disappointed.
Hachi lamented. "Good grief, that fiend makes a fast getaway. The next time I spot him, I'll chase after!"
"Y-Yeah, you do that..."
Seeing Joker and Hachi's unnatural behavior, Hyakkimaru's ninja instinct picked up that something was wrong. He turned to Joker and probed for details. "It seems there's more going on here than meets the eye. Could you tell me about it?"
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A few minutes later, Hyakkimaru and Joker were left by themselves in the shack. Hyakkimaru had asked Hachi to go relay a message to the other Koga ninjas. Hachi was more than willing to oblige, saying that he was excited to see them all after so long.
Joker took a sip of the tea that Hyakkimaru had brewed and exhaled.
"So what's going on? Why does Hachi think you're not Joker?" Hyakkimaru asked.
Joker told him everything, how yesterday he left for a job in the middle of an argument and came back to find Hachi concussed and unconscious. How he seemed to forget all about Joker, except for how mad he was at him.
"I see, so that's what happened..."
"This whole thing's turned into a massive pain to deal with. Hachi said that he hit his head and lost his memory before, and you were the one who fixed him up that time."
"Right, that makes sense. I remember that happening..." Hyakkimaru folded his arms and traced his memory. "That was back when we were in Ninjutsu School, during a test where we had to deliver a coded message. Hachi fell from a high place and hit his head. He forgot the message he was tasked with. He'd fail the test if he didn't remember, so I jogged his memory."
"That's it! I want you to tell me how you did it."
"Hm..." Hyakkimaru closed his eyes and thought deep.
"How can I get Hachi's memory back to normal!?"
"It's probably not a matter of Hachi losing his memory, but rather that it's repressed. For some reason or another, he's lost track of it. Think of it like a cabinet drawer that's gotten jammed and can't be opened. In order to use the ninja art that will unearth his repressed memory, he'll need to be reminded of what he was doing immediately before the triggering event."
"Immediately before?"
"Yes, but from what you've told me, that may be difficult."
"How so?" Joker asked Hyakkimaru intently.
"Hachi was by himself when he lost his memory. Which means that Hachi himself would be the only one who knows what he was doing at that time..."
"Oof, I get what you mean..." Then Joker had a sudden thought. "Ah! But Hachi was in the middle of making and taste-testing the curry for dinner!"
"Hm, is that so... Something unexpected must have happened while he was cooking, which made him hit his head. It may be that the only necessary step to jog his memory is to have him taste curry."
"Yeah! Curry!"
"But it'll have to be a curry that tastes exactly the same as before..."
"Ha ha, that's easy. I just have to ask Hachi to make the curry again!" Joker stood up, full of optimism.
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When Hachi returned to the Sky Joker, he was in an exceptionally good mood. "Well, I'm really glad I got to visit everyone again!" His round face was full of cheer, and per Joker's request, he started making curry for dinner.
But when Hachi tasted the finished curry, he tilted his neck. "Hmm..."
"What is it?"
"Something's off... I feel like there was a secret ingredient..."
Joker took a taste for himself. True enough, it wasn't Hachi's usual curry. It felt like it was missing something. "Yeah..."
"That's strange."
"You don't remember what you put in?"
"Hmm, I don't know..."
Apparently hitting his head had made him forget the secret ingredient, too. He wouldn't be able to recreate the same curry like this.
That evening, exhausted after chatting with his old friends, Hachi turned in early. Later at night, Joker stood alone in the kitchen.
"All righty..."
Joker lifted up the lid of the curry pot. There was still plenty of curry left. If he asked Hachi too many questions, he'd get suspicious as to what he was up to. Thus Joker decided to figure out the secret ingredient on his own.
That said, he always left the cooking to Hachi, so he had no clue what the ingredient could possibly be, nor did he really know what things were kept where in the kitchen.
"Well, whatever. I can just try putting everything in, yeah?"
 —A few hours later, Joker was stretched out on the couch, exhausted. After that, Joker had divided Hachi's curry into little saucers and added everything in the kitchen into different ones to test which one was the secret ingredient. Condiments, vegetables, meat, fish, even candy — he'd tried them all, but each time he tasted the result, his tongue met with a disagreeable flavor. Very few of them had actually been edible. He hadn't gotten any closer to Hachi's usual curry flavor. In fact, he was getting further away from curry that tasted any good at all. For the first time ever, Joker was intensely rueful that he'd never lifted a finger to help with cooking.
In time, he was down to one saucer of Hachi's curry that hadn't been altered. He couldn't risk any more failures.
"Agh, what should I dooo"
Joker was completely fed up at this point. He rolled onto the couch and started crunching down on potato chips that had been left over after he tried adding some to the recipe. On the outside, this just looked like typical bored Joker behavior, but inside, he was distressed.
If he couldn't recreate Hachi's curry, then he couldn't jog Hachi's memory with the method Hyakkimaru had described. In turn, that meant Hachi would keep hating Joker.
No, it was okay if Hachi still held a grudge. What disturbed Joker more than anything else was that Hachi had forgotten him entirely.
Hachi probably resented Joker because of the fight they'd had right before he left, and that emotion still remained. Joker could accept his anger over that. They could argue all they wanted, and they could get emotionally charged at each other.
But now, they couldn't even do that.
If all the time they'd spent together, all the fun and frustration and sadness, all the many fights they'd had — if Hachi didn't remember any of that, then they'd remain only in Joker's memories. As if they were something that had only happened in a dream, fading from existence. It would forever feel like something was missing from his life.
The thought alone pricked at his heart, filling him with pain.
As a consequence of his profession, Joker was hated by a lot of people. He thought he was used to the feeling. But he hadn't realized how much it hurt to be forgotten...
Under normal circumstances he wouldn't think this at all, but he didn't care if Hachi hated him, as long as he just remembered. Internally bargaining, Joker rolled over. The bag of potato chips was empty before he even realized.
Hm...?
I wasn't eating that fast, right? he thought, picking up his head. From the far side of the table, he heard the sound of someone crunching on chips.
"Mmm, these potato chips are tasty. I just can't restrain myself."
"Queen, you shouldn't have too many midnight snacks."
"!?" Joker jumped to his feed. Sitting at the table in front of him was Queen, munching on chips.
"Q-Queen! And Roko too!"
"Good evening."
"Pardon the intrusion, Joker," replied the white dog named Roko who was next to Queen. Roko was a super dog who had been genetically engineered to be able to speak, and was Queen's partner phantom thief dog. He was always calm and collected and kept Queen in check. He also lived at Silver Heart's house.
"W-What are you guys here for!?"
"Come on, you heard me announce myself. I told you I was coming in."
"Huh? You did?"
"We came in through the normal entrance and landed our plane in the hangar like always."
"Seriously? I didn't notice at all..."
"No duh, Joker. You're not in your usual outfit and you've just been zoned out on the couch looking at the ceiling. The kitchen reeks of something weird, so I was worried you'd performed an arcane ritual and something'd gone wrong."
"Hard to believe you were worried when you're snacking on my potato chips!"
"But I was hungry! You didn't respond at all anyway, so I figured you wouldn't mind sharing. So what's with the getup?"
"This...? Nothing special."
"Whatever floats your boat, I guess."
Joker was being close-lipped, but Queen didn't even seem to mind. She cleaned the chip grease off her fingers with a wet wipe.
"Again, what are you here for?" Joker scowled at Queen, irritated.
"The thing I was calling you about. You said you were busy and just hung up. I didn't want you pulling that again, so I just came in person."
"Right... that happened." He'd been so focused on Hachi that he'd forgotten all about the calls from Queen and Spade. Queen had been telling him about...
"Didn't you say something about a weird phantom thief?"
As soon as Joker brought it up, Queen leaned way forward and pouted in annoyance. "Yeah! I swear, it was SOOO frustrating!" She picked up and skillfully swung the humongous sword beside her, slamming it on top of the table. This greatsword made of diamond was Queen's weapon of choice. "I was at an art museum in the Caribbean not too long ago to steal a treasure. The 'Striped Brooch', you know the one!"
"Yeah, you told me about it before."
Queen had lately been coveting a treasure called the "Striped Brooch". It was a unique gemstone brooch with striations. It had been found in ancient Incan ruins, but its monetary value wasn't as much as its ostentatious appearance suggested, so Joker had passed it up.
"And then! I came across him in the storage room!"
"Him being?"
"The Time Thief!"
"The time thief?" Joker echoed with wide eyes. He'd never heard the name.
"That's not his actual name, though. He's been showing up all over the place lately, and he's called that because of his strange abilities." Just thinking back on the incident made Queen clench her fists.
"He's got strange abilities?"
"Yeah, that's what I said. I had so much trouble getting to that brooch and stealing it, but all of a sudden it wasn't in my possession anymore!"
"Huh? That doesn't make sense."
"I'm telling you, he stole the brooch from me before I even knew it!"
"You must've let your guard down, Queen. He could've just nicked it off you while you were distracted."
"That's not what happened," interjected Roko, who had kept quiet so far. "I was looking. Queen definitely had the brooch. But all of a sudden, it was gone."
"Gone?"
"As soon as we noticed it wasn't there, the Time Thief right in front of us was holding Queen's treasure instead."
"W-Wait a second here. You guys were there with this Time Thief guy?" Joker asked.
Queen folded her arms indignantly. "Yeah. But what's really bizarre is that when we went into the storage room, nobody else was there. But it was like he was just waiting around for us to take the treasure. The moment I got the brooch in my hands, he showed up out of thin air."
"For real...?" Joker was beginning to take some interest in this strange phantom thief. "The treasure just vanished right in front of your eyes? Both of you?"
"Yes. I was definitely holding the treasure. But he did something and then the next instant, it went poof. Then he said, 'The item you just obtained has now come into my possession by rewinding time.'"
"The heck..."
"After that, he said 'I can manipulate time.' Word for word."
"Time...?"
"Exactly. He has some strange ability that lets him manipulate time. That's why he's being called the Time Thief," Roko said in the same solemn tone. The way he spoke, it sounded like he was only half-convinced and was trying to persuade himself.
"It really is weird. It wasn't any sleight of hand. I don't understand what he did..."
"A phantom thief who can rewind time, huh..."
Then something lit up in Joker's head. Like a single shaft of light filtering through a pitch dark forest, a ray of hope beamed into his mind. In an instant, a fantastic idea gave him a jolt of energy.
"That's it!" Joker jumped to his feet and exclaimed.
"Huh?" Queen and Roko looked at Joker in surprise.
"If he can rewind time, he can go to the past, right!? Which means I can figure out what happened!"
"Uh... you could, yeah."
"If his ability is the real thing, yes."
"It's real! I mean, it has to be real, or I'm screwed! If I can take advantage of his ability and go to the past, I can figure out the curry's secret ingredient!"
"The curry's?"
"Secret ingredient?"
Queen and Roko vocalized in sequence, more confused than ever.
Yes, Joker had come up with an idea. He would investigate the secret ingredient for Hachi's curry by using the Time Thief's ability to go to the past. If he could just go to the moment when Hachi was making the curry, he could know for sure what he'd added to the recipe!
Joker marveled at his own brilliance. He turned to Queen and asked, "So where's this Time Thief guy!? Phantom Thief Joker is gonna head straight to him and steal his ability!"
"Um..."
"I'm not certain he'll show up today, but..." Roko began to say, then used his ears to push buttons on the TV remote. The television turned on to the UNN channel. DJ Peacock was there on screen, screeching in his usual garish manner.
"Good evening, everyone! This is DJ Peacock! And today, we've caught wind of an advance notice from Phantom Thief Spade!"
"Tonight, I'll come to take the Golden Gallery Box from the Escargot Museum.
--Phantom Thief Spade"
 The screen showed an image of the Escargot Museum. As the name suggested, it was a curious piece of architecture modeled after the shell of a snail lying on its side.
"Wow, looks like Phantom Thief Spade's on the job tonight. The so-called Time Thief has been up to no good lately, and if Phantom Thief Joker or somebody else shows up, it'll be all the more chaotic. We can expect some heart-pounding and stimulating developments from this!"
Joker switched off the television and stood boldly. "Ask for stimulation and you'll receive! Just you wait, Time Thief!"
The gloom clouding his eyes dissipated, making room once more for an optimistic gleam.
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simminglytimeladies · 3 years
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How the hell do I get an 88 on Math. WTF?
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violettelueur · 3 years
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— JUJUTSU KAISEN EPISODE ONE || RYOMEN SUKUNA
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↳ featuring : itadori yuji + fushiguro megumi + gojo satoru + ryomen sukuna from jujutsu kaisen
↳ warnings : mentions of blood + mention of killing + mention of mass murder (word massacres is mentioned) + mention of death + swearing and EXTREME grammar issues
↳ form : story
↳ published : 07 february
↳ pronouns : she/her
↳ word count : 3.8k
↳ synopsis : within the jujutsu world, there were three famous clans to be aware of, the Kamo clan, Zenin clan and the Gojo clan. However, unknown to many sorcerers there was one last family that was known to be apart of the three, only for them to disappear after the golden era leading some to speculate that they had died in battle after the sealing of ryomen sukuna, but....
↳ next episode : for myself
↳ barista’s notes : to be honest with you guys, this little imagine here is such a mess and i had fun writing it since it have me an excuse to watch the first and a tiny bit of episodes one and two of jujutsu kaisen again ʕ→ᴥ← ʔ 
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BEFORE READING, I NEED YOU TO BE AWARE OF THIS:
1. all the ‘curse spells’ mentioned in this are related to Bleach (their use of Kido - credits go to: Tite Kubo) so these ain’t my original ideas since i started this at like 11pm on a saturday night. 
2. there is some dialogue missing since this is from your perspective as a reader and not Fushiguro’s or Itadori’s 
3. as you all know, the storyline isn’t mine, it belongs to Gege Akutami 
4. this whole thing might be confusing and please don’t expect a part two because i will do it when i am ready or feel like i can at the right time ʕ ᵒ ᴥ ᵒʔ 
5. i don’t know, if i am going to add this onto my masterlist since this was just for fun to be honest!
thank you so much for taking the time to read this and i hope you enjoy your free cup of classic black coffee (jujutsu kaisen) ʕ•ᴥ•ʔノ♡
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“L/N, are you going to come with us?”
Looking away from the window you were viewing out from, you paused sipping from your carton of orange juice before turning your head to quickly discover two female students looking at you with anticipation in their eyes only for you to look at them in some sort of confusion. 
“Come one, don’t tell me you didn’t hear about it? Coach Takagi and Itadori are competing!” one of the girls complained, obviously slightly annoyed at your oblivious nature to the news that was going around the school at this moment in time.
“Competing for?” you then questioned, as you stood straight from your leaning position causing the other female student to then rapidly answer by saying, “Coach is trying to requite Itadori for the nationals, so if he wins then itadori has to join the track club to compete!” 
‘Huh? What a drag’
“So do you wanna come to the track field with us to see who is going to win?” the two students asked again in a desperate tone, leading you to look at the window you were previously looking from to see the exact location that they had stated. “I’ll watch from here, it has a higher and wider view, so I would have a better look” you replied, before pointing at the track field that was on the other side of the glass causing the students to look out before nodding.
“We really want to see it up close, so we’ll see you tomorrow yeah?” the first female student asked, leading you to smile and nod at them before seeing them rapidly take off to the track field trying to make sure they arrived before the competition started.
Turning your smile back into a straight line, you turn back to the window that you were looking through before being interrupted while placing your drink’s straw between your lips letting the sweet but citrusy juice flow down your throat. Admiring the view, you decided to let your eyes roam free for a bit to see if there was anything interesting to observe before the supposed ‘competition’ started, which then led you to pause at the sight of the closed rugby field down below.
Coming out of the ground was a horrific creature with four arms before climbing up the pole revealing its large teeth leading you to stare at it with complete boredom as you then mentally took a quick note to exorcise it later when the school closed. However, what also came into your sights was a single male student down before staring at the same curse you were observing causing you to continue analysing the situation.
‘Can he see it? I don’t recall a student here having any curse energy’
From what you could tell, the student had black erratic hair with his hands in his pocket but from what you could see that other’s couldn’t, there was a faint but noticeable aura of curse energy surrounding his body generating a feeling of curiosity but nervousness within your stomach as you place your empty carton away from your lips. Suddenly, the male turned around leading you to have somewhat a clearer view of him, only to discover that he also had a pair of emerald eyes which then made you come to the conclusion that he wasn’t a student from the school. How could he? You could tell this ‘student’, and yourself was the same age meaning you would have at least seen him once or twice down the hallways and there was no new information about a student coming in, if there was, it would have been a buzz.
‘Don’t tell me one of the clans managed to find out about me?’ you anxious thought, leading you to take a short step back ensuring this sorcerer didn’t have a vivid view of you when you did of him. Hearing some cheering, you turned your head to the other side to find a small crowd forming with a metal ball being flung as two students ran out to measure the length between the dip of the sand from the coach indicating to you that the competition had started.
“14 metres!’ the one student shouted, leading to a round of applause from the audience spectating the event. However, from what your ears were managing to pick up, there were cheers for Itadori leading you to wonder if you could recall the classmate they were shouting for.
“Ah~ Itadori Yuji ha?” you rhetorically asked the air around you, not expecting an answer in return. Itadori Yuji was a first-year student like you were, member of the small occult research club with second years Sasaki and Iguchi when he could be in any athletic club if he wanted to. However, understandably you knew some people would rather do something than what their natural talents indicated. Once again, you saw the metal ball being thrown - this time from the pink-haired students - only for it to land that the corner of the football goal, yet what was the shocking thing was that the metal of the goal was bent leading you to look at the sight within widened eye - of course, you knew Itadori was fast and strong but not to the extent of what you had just witnessed.
“Wow, no wonder he was called ‘Tiger of the West Middle’,” you muttered under your breath before quickly reverting your eyes to find the sorcerer you were wary of. Surprisingly, he was now on the track field looking upon the competition mixing well with the other students like a little chameleon. Although, before you could continue to observe the student trying to see what his intentions were, Itadori suddenly ran past him with his large backpack on, only for the erratic-haired sorcerer’s eye to suddenly widen the second they crossed each other leading him to reach out for your classmate. However, there was only dust to be collected as Itadori was suddenly out of reach.
“Just what are you trying to gain, sorcerer? It’s already a drag that you’re here,” you quietly mumbled irritation before turning away from the window you were gazing from to collect your school bag from your classroom since you left it there to not have the burden of carrying it on your shoulder. However, what you didn’t notice was the same sorcerer peering up at the same window you were looking from with perplexity painted on his face.
‘Was someone watching me?’
                                              ꕥ
“Don’t tell me someone got a hold of that damn finger?” you angrily stated, as you suddenly felt an immense amount of pressure invade the school causing you to wonder if there was anyone within the school with you right now, as you began to increasingly worry about whoever got a hold of the special-grade object that you found a few nights before.
“I put a protective seal on it, who the hell broke it!?” you muttered, as you panicky ran up the stairs trying to follow the presence of the object you were desperately trying to get a hold of before forcibly pushing a door open leading it to smash against the wall as you continued to sprint across the halls.
As you quickly turned the corner, you saw a large curse blocking the path leading you to instinctively flow your curse energy flow to your hand to the tips of your finger as you began to confidently recite the spell you were about to cast after you had finished drawing the symbol with your curse energy in the air.
“Disintegrate, you black dog of Rondanini! Look upon yourself with the horror and then claw out your own throat! Binding Curse Spell number nine: Geki!” you chanted, leading to a thin light aqua aura of curse energy to surround the curse causing it to become completely paralysed. However, before you could cast another spell to destroy the curse, there was a sudden interruption causing you to look at the person in complete shock as they flew into the corridor from outside the window only for you to discover it was your own classmate.
“Itadori!” you screamed, only for him to grab what seemed like two people away from the curse as it was still immobilised from your spell leading you to turn to the side to find that it was both Sasaki and Iguchi in his arms causing your eye to further widen only for you to be then distracted by the curse being blown away to your direction leading you to use another spell to make sure you were caught in the process.
“Binding Curse Spell number eighty-one: Danku,” you hurriedly stated, leading to a large rectangular defensive wall to shield you away from the decapitated parts of the curse as well as the technique being used for it to explode the way it did. Unexpectedly, once the pathway was cleared you suddenly came eye to eye with the sorcerer you were peering down on the track field this afternoon causing a wave of uneasiness to consume your body. 
“Who are you?” he questioned leading to the two dogs beside him to growl at you showing their sharp canine that could easily pierce your skin if he commanded them to. Slowly, your hand moved to the hilt of your katana that was hanging horizontally on your back, before quickly coming to the conclusion that it wasn’t difficult to slice the two dogs down if you desired to.
“Shikigamis huh? I should just cut the user down before they could reach me, then they would disappear’
“Oh L/N? What are you doing here?” Itadori asked in shock, leading you and the sorcerer to look at him before the sorcerer suspiciously asked, “you know who she is?”.
“She’s a student at my school, she is in the higher class since she’s smarter than me,” Itadori explained, as he took the time to check on his two club members with a sincere look on his face to then discover that they were unconscious with Sasaki in a decent state with Iguchi in somewhat the same condition but with injuries to his face. Letting your shield gradually disappear, you slowly walked up to your senior as you crouched down to hover a hand over his face letting a flow of curse energy begin to heal his wounds.
“Itadori, how the hell did they get the finger?” you angrily questioned the boy while continuing to heal your upperclassman causing him to look at you in shock - due to your acknowledgement of the object - as he caught the cursed object that slipped out of Sasaki’s pocket once he picked her up in a bridal style. 
“How do you know about it?” the sorcerer then asked, only to be quickly silenced when you gave him a heated glare only for itadori to then explain that he was the one that picked it up for them since they wanted to sneak back into the school to unwrap the talisman for research for the occult club leading an irk to appear on your forehead. “Wasn’t there like a talisman paper placed on the door? You know like those like sheet of paper with Ancient Japanese writing painted on it?” you asked in a stern tone as you completed the healing process only for itadori to give you a questionable look.
“There was a hint of paper being there, but it seemed like it was ripped off,” itadori answered wearily, leading you to look up at him with enlarged eyes as you let out a breath of complete shock.
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN RIPPED OFF?” you screamed as you rushed to your feet before grabbing the collar of his classic yellow jumper. From what you could recall, there was no possible way for the seal to be completely ripped off by the hands of a normal person, not even a simple sorcerer could even go through the barrier you had placed on it leading you to turn to the sorcerer, who was looking at the argument that was occurring right in front of his face.
“Was it you? No, from what I can see, you ain’t even a high enough grade to even go through it...Ah shit,” you cursed as you let go of Itadori’s collar before beginning to try to think of all the possibilities that could have happened that led to this accident.
“So, is this it Fushiguro?” Itadori asked the sorcerer, completely ignoring you as you were in a state of shock and confusion on what was going on. “Yeah, that’s the special-grade curse object, Ryomen Sukuna’s finger,” the sorcerer confirmed with Itadori as he then quickly mentioned, “it’s a miracle that it didn’t get swallowed, thanks to L/N curse technique back there.”
‘Fushiguro huh? Not Zenin, that’s a relief’
“Why would anything eat it? Does it taste good?” Itadori asked in curiosity, leading you and Fushguro to look at the boy with a questionable look on both your faces.
“Don’t be stupid,” you and Fushiguro simultaneously stated causing both of you to look at each other in shock before you then explained, “you’d do it to gain stronger curse energy. It’s dangerous, so hand it over to Fushiguro, it’s best to have him keep hold of it since the seal I placed was broken.”
“Sure, sure,” Itadori casually said, as he outstretched his hand to pass the finger to Fushiguro. However, before the sorcerer could take the object away from Itadori’s gasp, a large hand began to reach down below the two people causing you to look up in fear before instinctively pushing the two boys away from the area it was trying to target.
“RUN!” you screamed, before the ceiling crashed down between both of you, leaving you completely alone and vulnerable as the dust invaded your sights. In a panic, you swiftly grabbed the hilt of your katana to release the blade from its casing revealing an all-black weapon your hands, but once the smoked clear you found Fushiguro trapped in the hands of the curse before being forcibly through to the concrete wall causing a few hints of blood escaping from his mouth, to which lead to the two dogs that were protecting Itadori as well as the two second-year to disappear.
‘Shadows? Don’t tell me…’
However, before you could even complete your sudden thought, there was a sudden flash of lights blinding you before the whole side of the school to be destroyed along with Fushiguro, who was thrown across. In a state of terror, you rushed outside before using your speed to jump up the height needed before stabbing back of the curse’s head with your katana before quickly retreating back, leaving it there as the curse screeched in pain while preparing another curse spell to use to finish off the monstrosity.
“Destructive Curse Spell number seventy-three: Soren Soka-” you screamed, but you were interrupted once you suddenly found Itadori aggressively punch the curse’s head leading Fushiguro, who was laying down on the ground with blood pouring down his face to angrily shout, “Itadori! Why can’t you understand to take those two and run?!”.
“You’re in big trouble yourself!” Itadori screamed back, before being swung around as he then suddenly was being dragged along the metal railings of the balcony before his body was then swung into the air.
“Only curses can exorcise other curses! You can’t beat it!” Fushiguro argued back, only for this attempt to fall on death’s ears as itadori continued to fight against the curse as he masterfully dodged its attacks before playing his own as he kicked its ruby eye.
“Besides, I have my own troublesome curse already!” Itadori declared, causing you to look at your classmate in complete annoyance since you didn’t have a single clue on what he was rabbling about. As of right now, all you were wondering was where the cursed finger was since the last time you had seen it was in Itdori’s possession. 
Suddenly, before you realised it, the mentioned cursed object had slipped out of Itadori’s grasp causing you to quickly stand up on your feet to jump across the cure to reach it. On the other hand, it seemed like the curse was blocking your way by how it used both its arms to capture Itadori leading to the student to jump as high as he could to catch the finger by the grip of his teeth.
“You idiot!” you screamed, as you tried to concentrate your curse energy to flow to your palms as your katana was still within the curse’s head. “Hand it over to me or you'll be eaten, too!” Fushiguro yelled in a panic as he finally got up on his feet to chase after the wanted object.
Slowly, you raised your right hand before using your index finger to use it as a guide to where to aim your next spell at the finger without damaging your schoolmate in the process. “Destructive Curse Spell number one: Sho,” you quickly chanted leading to a small amount of curse energy in a concentrated manner to shoot from the tip of your index finger, yet before it even had the chance to hit the finger away from Itadori’s teeth, he threw thing finger up in the air using the force of his head leading your curse spell to be a futile attempt.
“There is a way to save everyone! I just need some cursed energy right. Fushiguro, L/N?!” Itadori cried out, leading you to again attempt to shoot the cursed finger away from where you assumed Itadori wanted it to go, while Fushiguro looked upon the situation in complete fear of what was going to happen.
“Don’t..Don’t do it!” Fushiguro shouted in a hostile tone, only for Itadori to swallow the special-grade cursed object causing you and the other sorcerer to look at the scene in complete disbelief.
‘He’s going to die, that’s a deadly poison..but...there’s a one in a million chance’
Suddenly, the arms of the curse disintegrated into small particles of flesh before Itadori landed on his feet, only for the curse to attempt to attack the salmon-hair boy again, leading to being completely destroyed with a single wing of an arm to which caused your katana, which was stuck within the flesh of the curse, to fly into the air before landing with a loud ‘clunk’. 
Yet, that wasn’t your main concern.
Your feet were glued to the ground as you looked upon the sight right in front of you. Fushiguro was staring at the same scene with dread flooding his green eyes as Itadori was now covered with the black markings of what you both come to know from basic jujutsu knowledge.
‘Y/N dear, I’m so sorry for putting you through this, if Sukuna ever comes into this era, it is your duty as a sorcerer and the only offspring of the L/N clan to exorcise him, promise me that please?’
‘Why.....why did you have to die mother?’
“Ah, I knew it! The light feels best in the flesh,” ‘Itadori’ declared, as he then processed to rip his yellow hoodie in excitement before brisking his flesh to the moonlight that was shining right above him. “A cursed spirit’s flesh is so boring. Where are the people? The women?!” ‘Itadori’ questioned before jumping onto the railings as he continued his speech, “what a wonderful era to be in, women and children are crawling everywhere like maggots. Marvellous! It’ll be a massacre!”
Without the acknowledgement of who you deemed to be Sukuna and Fushiguro, you slowly raised your right hand with an open palm as you began to whisper another curse spell to make the exorcism a little easier for you, “Binding Curse Spell number sixty-three: Sajo Sabaku''. As you closed your palm, there was a sudden manifestation of a yellow electrified chain being created as it loosely surrounded the King of Curse before tightly securing its place around his body.
“Ah-” Sukuna said in surprise before taking a step back from the balcony to observe the yellow chains that encaptured him. “L/N!” Fushiguro shouted as he looked at you with widened eyes surprised at how you figured out how to retain him so fast.
‘At this rate, he should be somewhat easier to exorcise, Itadori has only one finger within his system, it’s going to be okay right?’
However, before you could even comprehend what to do next as your tactic you suddenly heard a change in tone of voice. “What do you think you’re doing with my body?”  Sukuna asked, only for you to realise that it was Itadori who was speaking at this moment in time, “give it back”.
“How are you able to move?” Sukuna questioned his vessel back, as he was in pure confusion on how the human still maintained some control of his body. “I mean, it’s my body,” itadori answered back, only causing you more confusion on what was going on since Sukuna’s markings were still visible to his body.
“Don’t move! You’re no longer human,” Fushiguro stated in a serious tone, as he crouched down before moving his hand in front of him as he processed to make fists. 
“Under Jujutsu regulations, Itadori Yuuji, I will exorcise you as a curse!” Fushiguro announced, causing you to look at him with surprise painted upon your face. However, since you were beginning to lose a certain amount of curse energy, your chains slowly began to disappear leading Itadori’s hands to now more freely while Fushiguro’s worries about you begin to increase.
“Wait, really. I‘m just fine!” Itadori stated in innocence, as he raised his now-free hands as if he was surrendering to the sorcerer while his markings began to fade gradually. “More importantly, you and I are both pretty beat up, let’s go to a hospital,” Itadori declared as he was worried for the male right in front of him. On the other hand, you suddenly realise that there were shadows slowly swirling around Fushiguro leading to your assumption earlier to be true.
‘Fushguro is a Zenin...I..have….to’
“What’s the situation?” 
All of a sudden, a new voice came into the area leading you to turn your head to the side to find a rather tall male standing next to Fushiguro. From a quick glance, you could immediately inform yourself that had spiky white hair with a black blindfold covering his eyes, as he carried a paper bag on his arm while wearing a similar outfit to Fushiguro meaning he was another sorcerer.
“Gojo-sensei?! Why are you here?” Fushiguro asked in surprise, as he turned to look at what you assumed to be his teacher leading to the shadows around him to immediately disappear from sight.
“Gojo…” you muttered under your breath as you looked at the two male sorcerers right in front of you in horror as you came to the realisation on the situation you were facing.
‘Mother…..I’ve been found…..’
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sergeantsporks · 3 years
Text
Summer School
Rating: General Audiences, Gen
Part 3 of Camila is Hunter’s Mom Now
You know how there was always that one kid who was smarter than everyone else, and then they transfer to a new school, and suddenly they're not the smartest one there anymore? Yeah. Hunter finds out that nothing in the Boiling Isles prepared him for a human high-school education.
Ao3
“Hey. Thanks for meeting up with me, I know you’re busy.” Camila sat down in a chair, motioning for Hunter to sit down next to her.
An old man—the nameplate on his desk pronounced him “Principal Hal”—sighed. “Yes. Of course, Miss Noceda.”
“I’ve found… alternate schooling methods for Luz, but I’ve enrolled my two other children, Vee and Hunter in school.”
“I know.”
“Eheh. Right. The thing is… Hunter hasn’t ever… had any kind of formal schooling. So… he’s never taken higher maths, or sciences. He doesn’t know algebra, or chemistry, or…”
Principal Hal heaved another sigh. “So, what exactly does he know?”
Hunter crossed his arms. “I know thirteen different ways to kill you where you sit,” he snapped.
Camila shot him a look. “He can read, and write, and do basic math—it’s just high school, really. Oh, and history, he hasn’t ever taken a history course.”
“Well, we have summer school options—it’s a bit late, but we can look at squeezing him in. And Vee?”
“Vee went to summer camp, and she did very well there, she should be just fine.”
“Hm. Well, I’m very sorry that Luz won’t be joining us this year—”
“No, you’re not,” Camila muttered.
“—but I’m very glad she’s found a schooling system that… works better for her.” Principal Hal scribbled something down on a piece of paper, and handed it to Camila. “Take that to the front office, and they’ll get you the textbooks Hunter will need for his summer schooling.” Principal Hal looked like he’d bitten into a lemon. “I… look forward to having you as a student here, young man.”
Hunter inclined his head. “Thank you for your time, sir.”
He followed Camila out of the office. “I don’t think he likes me.”
“You threatened to kill him thirteen different ways. I don’t blame him. That was very nice at the end, though, thank you.”
Hunter felt a warm glow in his chest at the praise. “How come Luz isn’t coming?”
“Luz… never did well in school. And she’s determined to go back to Hexside, so I’ve enrolled her in some online courses so that she won’t fall behind on human studies, and if she can get through the Boiling Isles, I’ll… let her continue her education there. If she promises to check in frequently, and hide the portal very, very well.” Camila stopped in front of a wide desk, handing the secretary the piece of paper that Principal Hal had handed her.
The secretary disappeared and came back with a stack of books that she pushed to Hunter. “First class is Monday, you’ll be with the sophomores retaking algebra. Welcome to the family.”
Hunter picked up the books gingerly, trailing behind Camila. “Why does this book have a lizard on it if it’s a math book?”
Camila unlocked the car, climbing into the driver’s seat. “Great question. I don’t know.”
“What’s a sophomore?”
“Second year of high-school. You’ll be a junior, a third year.”
The lower class. With the students who’d failed algebra the first go round. Hunter’s ears burned, and he cracked open the algebra book, staring at the numbers. “I can read this outside of class?”
“Sure, if you want to.”
By the time they got home, Hunter was deep in. He kept reading as he walked inside, going straight to the kitchen table and setting the books down. He could figure this out—and then he could move up, at the very least to the regular second year level. He still had time before he officially started school—he could learn all of this.
Luz came bouncing down the stairs. “Amity responded! I have no clue how this thing works across dimensions, but I am so glad—hey, whatcha reading, Hunter?”
He didn’t look up. “Algebra.” He flipped the page, and neat, numbered rows of problems faced him. “Hey, they give you practice problems!”
“Blech, I thought you were my brother, Hunter. Math? When you don’t have to?”
“I’m behind. I need to catch up, or I’ll be stuck in lower grades.”
“Oh, right. Prodigy with extreme fear of failure. I forgot.”
Hunter tuned her out, digging out his old sketchpad and copying the first problem, flipping back in the book for the solving process. “Mhm.”
“Anyway, now that I can contact Amity, we’re going to work on opening a portal from their end.”
“Uh-huh.”
“She has the titan’s blood and ingredients on her end—hopefully it won’t be long before she can figure it out.”
Hunter frowned, checking over his work. “Mmm.”
“Watch out, there’s a deadly monster behind you.”
“K.”
Luz heaved a long-suffering sigh and left him to the book. Hunter re-read the lesson, then flipped back to the problems.
I can do this.
The day passed by in a blur, Hunter plugged through the book, slowly but surely. At least this made sense—everything had a logical, calculable end. It wasn’t like magic, where intent and emotion played factors.
“Hunter—Hunter, it’s time for dinner.”
Hunter barely heard Camila, glaring at the quadratic formula. He kept misplacing a negative, he was pretty sure.
A hand reached over and closed the book with a thump. “Hunter. Give your brain a break and eat something, mijo.”
Hunter struggled to pull the book open against Camila’s hand. “I’ve almost got this one figured out—I can get it—”
“Dinner. Math can come after.” Camila cleared the book away. “I’m glad you’re taking school seriously, but it’s important for you to do other things, too. Don’t worry—you’ll catch up, you’re a smart kid.”
“I need to—”
“What you need to do is take a break and eat. Come on, help me set the table.”
Hunter slowly got up and opened the drawer for napkins. His stomach growled at the smell coming from the stove. Alright, maybe it was time he took a break. Look at you, Golden Guard. All… domestic.
“Luz! Vee!” Camila called, “Dinner!”
Vee came bounding down the stairs, but Luz was nowhere to be seen.
“Luz!” Camila called again.
“She’s looking at potential wild portal spots,” Vee explained.
“Ayiyi. One won’t put down his math textbook and the other one won’t stop looking for a way into the demon realm.” Camila thumped up the stairs, and Vee poked at the algebra book.
“Algebra can be tricky. We did a lot of math-y stuff back at camp. Where are you?���
“Quadratic formula.”
“Already?”
Hunter shrugged. “I’m a quick learner.”
Luz bumped down the stairs, Camila shooing her onwards. “You and Hunter are going to get healthy eating and working habits if it kills me!”
After dinner, Vee started on the dishes, and Hunter opened up the math book again. I am going to figure this out.
After a while, Luz and Vee disappeared upstairs. Camila put a hand on his shoulder with a yawn. “Don’t stay up too late, ‘kay?”
“Mhm.”
Camila flipped off all of the lights except the kitchen one.
Red fluttered down to his shoulder as he yawned, chirping that he ought to go to bed.
“I’m so close. Just one more lesson.”
Xxx
Camila blinked blearily at her alarm as it beeped at her. She yawned, changing into her scrubs and heading down the stairs. The kitchen light was still on, Hunter slumped on the table, his algebra book open next to him. Camila gently slid the pencil out of his hand, scooping him up and moving him to the couch. He nestled into the cushions with a sigh, Red landing on his chest and closing its eyes with a sleepy cheep
“Oh, what am I going to do with you?” Camila sighed. She glanced at the textbook, then grabbed a few sticky notes, writing ‘remember to take a break’ on them and sticking them in the book every few lessons. She shook her head, grabbing her keys and flipping off the kitchen light. “Buenos noches, mijo.”
Xxx
“Hunter. Hey, Hunter. Huuuuuuuuuuuuuuunter.”
Hunter snapped awake, sitting up so fast he nearly head-butted Luz in the face. Red slid off of his chest, flapping its wings frantically to right itself.
“Wow, you’re twitchy.”
Hunter yawned. When had he moved to the couch? He didn’t even remember falling asleep! “Hngh—what time is it?”
“Nine-o-clock, sleepy-head! Hey, you know a lot about titan’s blood, right? You think you could look over some stuff and tell me which you think is most likely to be a wild portal?”
Hunter rubbed his eyes. “If you can see the demon realm in the water, it’s a wild portal. Oh, or if the water is boiling hot.”
“You mean like a geyser?”
“I wouldn’t recommend jumping into one of those, but yes. Like a geyser.”
“Hmmmm.” Luz picked up his sketchpad from the table. “You need any help with math? Can’t say I’ll actually be ABLE to help you, but—”
Hunter snatched the sketchpad away. “I don’t need help,” he snapped.
“Yeesh. Okay. Have fun with your numbers.”
Hunter shuffled to the table. A single sticky note was stuck to the cover of the book.
Don’t forget to eat breakfast, it read cheerfully.
Ah. Camila.
Hunter went to the pantry and shoved a protein bar in his mouth. There. Breakfast. He opened the math textbook again, rubbing the bridge of his nose. Alright. Three quarters of a math book, one day to go before summer school. He could do this. One more all-nighter.
“Whoa.” Vee peered over his shoulder at his sketchpad. “Hey, why don’t you… come on out with me. I’ll introduce you to my friends from cabin seven. You need to touch grass.”
Hunter scribbled through a line of numbers. Wrong. “Nope. I’m busy.”
“You know that you’re supposed to learn this stuff at summer school, right? Not two days beforehand.”
“I’m learning it now, so I’ll be prepared for what they want me to do there.”
“Uh… that’s not how it’s supposed to—”
“I can’t be in the class with the failures!” Hunter blurted.
Vee blinked. “Oh.”
Hunter flipped the cover of the book back and forth, his other hand tapping on the table. “I’ve got to learn this now, so that they’ll move me up to the next subject—I’m two years behind, Vee, and don’t even get me started on history!”
“That’s not your fault.”
“I can’t fail here—being here in the human realm is my second chance, and I can’t blow it! Camila thinks I’m smart, and I can’t prove her wrong!”
Vee sat down at the table next to him. “Whoa. Okay. Calm down, Hunter. You are smart, and that has nothing to do with how good at math you are.” She gestured to his sketchpad. “Look at how far you came in a day by yourself!”
Hunter slammed his hand down on the table. “It’s not enough, I’m still way behind!”
“Hunter. Hey, Hunter. Listen. You… don’t have to be the best at everything, okay?”
“Yes, I do, that’s how this works.”
“No. It’s really not. You don’t have to be the best. As long as you’re doing as well as you can… that’s what matters to Camila, okay? Even if you don’t succeed. Camila thinks you’re smart because you are. You don’t have to prove it to her. And you don’t have to pull all-nighters and learn the entirety of algebra in two days to be smart. C’mon, you need to quit focusing on school for a few hours.”
Hunter ran a hand through his hair. “Just a few more lessons—
“No.” Vee snatched the textbook away. “I’m going to keep this until you take a break. And maybe a nap, you look like you didn’t get any sleep.”
“What? No, I didn’t mean to, but I did fall asleep.”
“Hunter.”
“Fine, fine, you win. I’ll just steal it back later.”
She yanked his hood over his head. “Good luck. Just a couple of hours not doing algebra, Hunter.”
“Fine. I guess I can do that.”
“Good. Come on, let’s go meet up with my friends, they’ll predict your future with hexes hold ‘em cards.”
“I understood all of those words separately. Are your friends…okay?”
Vee grinned. “Trust me. They’re gonna love you.”
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oasislake76 · 3 years
Text
I’m finally getting around to organizing just what the Admin Academy is and what they stand for in like... almost all my Mcyt Au’s.
First we have the ‘home base’ of the four, Admin Academy of Leadership. Almost all A-class, I’ll explain what that means a little later, server Admins and Godlings graduate from here. Almost every big server owner and all the higher Cabinet had graduated from here. It’s the OG school and it’s very old. Old styled castle buildings, gardens that have been thriving for millennia, very Harry Potter themed. Their the strictest with uniforms, all Classes have different colors and embroidered letters on one side of their chest. Their the only school with all student dormitory but instead of separating by class their separated by graduation year not gender mixed. Unlike the classrooms and the exterior of the school the dormitory is kind of like a fancy frat house in a sense. It’s the only spot for kids to drink and smoke weed and King Sparklez, the main dormitory officer and the one that lives with the kids for the most part, doesn’t care as long as it doesn’t stink up the place or cause problems with roommates. He even indulges with the older kids when their legally allowed to drink, which also allows him to keep a close eye to the younger students to make sure they don’t consume to much under his direct care.
The second us Admin Academy of Safety. Their a little less strict on the outfit, no student wears skirts durning school hours as they are practicing Safety, maneuver and demos with big sharp objects. Most B-class students notoriously graduate from here but they have been seeing a surge of C-class students. They have dorm rooms but only for the older classes, year 4 through 8, to easily transitioning into living on their own and not with parents/guardians. Their much more of the calmer Admins and seem even more stricter then the Leadership ones. Always being joked about having a stick up their butts but they all till love them as they play a big role by keeping all severs up to date and helping Players with glitches before the true server Admins can help. Their grounds are very much still Harry Potter themed but they have obvious updates like automatic doors, ramps, and high end security cameras around the stone buildings.
Their sister school, made just a few months apart, Admin Academy of Innovation is much on the looser side of the spectrum of strictness. Allowing students to fully view what their world is and reflect it through outfits and belongings. Most of Innovation Admins tend to flock towards building SMP’s, artistic SMP’s, or fairy tail kind of SMP’s. Letting their creative juices flowing and helping creating ideas for plugin’s and Mods making almost all plugin’s and mods come from this Academy rather then the other three. They offer dormitory for all Year’s and they seem to continue having an influx of younger Admins who seem to not want to go home when summer approaches and the year ends. This Academy is very not traditionalist in its decore. All the walls are painted a different shade so all the details blend together to make this rainbow shade, like a rainbow cloud or something. Lockers are scattered and depending on the size will easily describe what year someone is in. There’s still old buildings like the ‘park’ grounds where all the fruit Notch is testing, before bringing it in as a realm wide update if he likes them enough, is growing.
Last but certainly not least is the last, Admin Academy of Coding. Unlike the other three who generally set their skill sets across the board as much as they can, Coding Academy is prepared to ‘keep the code running’ which means keeping all the public and private worlds and Servers safe from corruption and or folding in on itself. They have access to most worlds, some are strictly watched over by the Admin Cabinet only, cods and are constantly keeping eyes out for stuff like Virus demons or any of Herobrine’s losses monsters he’d created while possessed. They don’t keep dormitories because it forces all the students to go home, shower, get some actual fucking sleep, and socialize outside of teachers and other students. Their building is very high tech with multiple elevators instead of stairs, water fountains, vending machines, also a fucking coffee bar.
Now this is how the ranking goes. There’s A-class, B-class, C-class, and D-class. They all mean very different things in all of the Academies.
Usually the difference is between Leadership and Safety against Innovation and Coding. While A-class to the first two school means that their the best Admins. The best grades, attendance, school social life, just the best of the fucking best on the field. A-class is literally just a rank you gain once you hit a certain Year. It doesn’t matter how good you are or if you’re absolutely dog shit, you’ll get the grade.
D-classes are generally just “hey you’re new to all of this. This is your class. It’ll change over time, have fun.”
B-class and C-classes are of course the middle grounds. B-classes for Innovation is basically their A-classes students who work great but still need to be taught on some subjects. While C-class Safety students will most likely be drafted as what older Admins call as ‘helper Admins’. They help keep larger populated Servers safe and keep the code of safety contact always up to date.
So Dream could refer to himself as “I’m Dream Adams. Graduated as an A-class Admin from the Academy of Leadership, my position in my class is A-1, and I’m the main Admin of the DreamSMP.” Or “I’m Philza Craft. I did not graduate from any Admin Academy but, compared to the skill set against the Cabinet and the Emperors, I am D-class with a position of D-15. I am the secondary Admin of the DreamSMP.” Or even “I’m Illumina. Graduated as an B-class Admin from the Academy of Innovation, my position in my class is B-5. I hold no ownership over a server but I do have open worlds.”
This generally lets other Admins your general skill set, how good you are, and where to put you if you offer your help in some case. Also a great conversation starter if you’re meeting a lot of people you don’t know.
The numbers work in Home Room classes, not graduation years like the letters. So there could be multiple A-3’s or D-17’s, it just depends on how many Home Room teachers there were for that year. This is all literally just a four way spectrum that Admins can quickly place each other in. It’s confusing to a lot of players, don’t even try and explain it to a villager, but its a system that works and have been implemented for years.
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deniigi · 3 years
Note
Hi Dr. Matt, I too am a college youth coming to you for advice, well actually more like concept. What does GPA actually mean, in terms of my ability to get jobs/go to grad school/etc. I grew up in a very "4.0" or bust household and while I've broken free (god that first B was freeing) I have less than 0 ability to actually add context to these numbers. Help?
Hi, anon!
So let’s start from the top and be real broad for you and other folks who might be in different circumstances:
GPA = Grade Point Average. Each institution may calculate this differently. I occasionally have to do them by hand, but why the fuck would you do that is the better question here.
GPA is usually a number between 0.00 and 4.00. Students who fall below a certain GPA at college/univ level (for many institutions in the USA, 2.0 is that number, which is a C average) go on something called Academic Probation
The reason Academic Probation is a problem is because if you are on Academic Probation for multiple semesters, you may be ‘Disqualified,’ I.e. Kicked out of your college/univ.
So in this sense, GPA functions as a way of demonstrating to the University and the people giving you Financial Aid that you are making satisfactory progress on your degree, and you are ‘worthy’ of continuing to receive subsidized education.
While that’s a shitty way of conceiving of humans and education, that’s the system we live in, and that’s essentially why it’s really important for people to be aware of their GPA.
It’s not that that number defines you or your intrinsic worth as a human, rather its that that number gives you access to other things.
Now, on that note, let’s talk about GPA in terms of social value, economic value, and social and academic mobility. It’s going to be a long conversation, so I’m putting it under the cut.
-------------
Depending on your field of career and study, average GPAs are going to vary.
Engineers, for example, go through such difficult classes that they have notoriously low GPAs. Like anything from a 2.0 to a 3.0 is solid and anything higher than like a 3.3 is considered by many in Engineering fields to be really good.
Many STEM fields are like this. Chemistry, Kinesiology, Physics, Math, Engineering, Biology, Bio-Chem, etc.
In many Social Science and Humanities fields, GPAs are less important than research and analytical abilities, writing strength, communication abilities, teamwork stuff -- transferable, “soft” skills essentially.
That being said, when you are trying to move up, academically or economically, GPA may become a factor that you start to think about--especially when you are applying to a type of specialized or graduate school (certification programs, nursing programs, teaching certificate, Masters degrees, PhDs, etc).
Many programs have GPA limits on their programs in order to thin out their application pools. Nursing programs may have a 3.0 minimum. Masters programs may ask you to have only gotten X number of Bs or Cs.
I want to emphasize here, however: GPA minimums depend on the program itself.
Prestige is one of the main driving factors behind demanding a certain GPA. Places with prestigious programs and jobs have the notoriety that brings them loads of applicants, which in turn gives them the ability to raise standards.
The top 10 schools in the US are going to be able to demand a 3.5 GPA or higher for admission.
The top firms in a city can say that you need X amount of experience in X area to be hired onto their team.
-----------------
When it comes to applying to graduate school stuff (law school, Masters programs, PhD programs), I would focus less on whether or not you have a freakishly high GPA and more on your extracurriculars, your publications, research opportunities, writing abilities, analytical skills, and the hard skills necessary for your chosen field (I.e. Knowing MatLab or Python or GIS).
The reason for that is that you don’t really choose a graduate school so much as you choose a supervisor at a graduate school.
So if you can connect with a potential supervisor and are able to demonstrate to them that you A) are an asset to their program and B) have the skills necessary to do the work, then they are often the ones who decide whether or not you get admitted.
Supervisors can often smooth over lumps and bumps when it comes to admission of graduate students because THEY will be the ones overseeing your work before the Univ/program is.
Example: When I applied to one of my schools, the potential supervisor I was working with coached me in how to structure my research statement. They also advocated for me in admissions, and I did, in fact, get into that school (even if I chose not to go). For my other choice, I worked with a different supervisor who helped me get funding to help me secure admission as well.
So in this way, it is far more important for you to impress a supervisor than to have the best GPA of all applicants.
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Now for the rest of y’all who aren’t thinking about grad school or a certification program, you may be asking, “Will my GPA affect my ability to get a job in the future?”
And first off, I want to sort of break down the notion that your degree = your career. Only something like 30% of people end up working in the field they get their degree in, so that tells you already that GPA and choice of Major kind of doesn’t matter in terms of being able to make money.
But more to the point:
Generally speaking, most (like, 95% or something) jobs do NOT require you to list your GPA on your resume or any other application materials.
Some positions may ask you to demonstrate proficiency in a given area or hard skill. Some positions may ask you to provide proof that you completed your degree. But usually, this proof is given to a company AFTER you have applied and accepted an offer for the position.
Example: after I accepted my job, I was asked to submit proof of my Masters degree, because my offer was contingent on me having the credentials I said that I did.
Now, if you are fresh out of school and don’t have much experience, but you’ve got a bangin’ GPA, that may be something that you consider listing on your resume to demonstrate to employers that you are a smart cookie, simply lacking experience.
If you are a new graduate in a STEM field specifically, and you have a bangin’ GPA and are looking for work in STEM, then you may also list that on your resume.
But I want to emphasize that you don’t have to. It is your choice. And in this scenario, you would only do that if you were applying to a highly specific position where that mattered and if you felt that it would help you.
If you’re applying to anything that is not an internship or a STEM entry job (like a new engineer, a new lab assistant, etc) there is no reason for you to put your GPA on your resume. That should not affect your chances for a position.
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That’s probably plenty of food for thought for now. But anon, you can breathe. I got your other message and you are doing fantastically. Try to understand that the number isn’t as important as your competence and understanding in the material you are learning.
For right now, focus on building the skills. When it comes down to it, people would rather have a doctor who understands what to do to save their life than a doc who got a 4.0 in undergrad.
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meruz · 3 years
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Hey I can't find this in your FAQ so sorry if it's been asked before! Your traditional art is so stunning and vibrant, would you happen to have any brand recommendations for people trying to get into painting? Maybe specific gouche paint, brushes, papers etc. Thank you so much and have a nice day!
no one has ever asked me this before because this is like the first time ive started putting traditional art on my blog! LOL umm to be honest I’m very far from pro on this front, most of my knowledge comes from a handful of classes I didn’t pay a lot of attention to and lots of youtube videos but here’s my recommendations:
Paint
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A lot of my paints are winsor newton designer’s gouache because this is what my teachers made me buy when I was a freshman at art school LOL. it’s definitely kind of pricey, I think it’s like $10.99 for a tube which I was NOT a fan of as a college student and is still not my favorite thing now. But they’re overall worth the price if you really want solid, high quality opaque paints. Though I’ve heard their student grade winton paints are decent as well?
I’ve heard less good things about brands like reeves and artist loft... but I think turner is alright? m.graham is supposedly great.
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I also bought a set of holbein acryla gouache when it was discounted on amazon a while ago and have found it very solid. One thing you have to know about acryla gouache is that it uses a binder more like acrylic paint (hence the name acryla). Paints are made out of pigment + binder and most gouache is essentially watercolor but with extra pigment/chalk to make it opaque - the binder is water soluble so these paints can be reactivated with water. Acryla gouache is NOT water soluble when dry and it dries pretty fast so it’s overall less flexible. But other than that you can pretty much treat it like any other gouache and I find they keep a little better too, less likely to get gunky or stiff.
All paint brands have a handful of starter packs which are slightly discounted but if you want to build your own starting palette I’d say get a warm and cool tint of all the primaries, get a lot of white (working with gouache somehow involves a lot of mixing with white lol), and get a brown, maybe like burnt sienna or raw umber for underpaintings. No need to get a black, mixing darks builds character, looks better, and having one out of the tube can become a crutch. If you find a white watercolor paint tube that’s cheaper you can buy that instead of a gouache white. Again, they have pretty much the same make-up. And white paints are generally opaque enough that the composition between gouache/watercolor shouldn’t matter too much.
I’ve never used a block tray of gouache. Like those paints that come in little blocks in a tray? I know there's a bunch out there but I’ve never used them and I don’t know anyone else who does so I have no opinion on them.
Brushes
I’ve been kind of exploring this myself. I recently bought a cheap set of flat brushes off amazon LOL and I like them a lot?
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Theyre probably not The Best or anything but I found flat brushes suit gouache plein air painting really well because its suits the kind of color blocking shapes I want to make. Also these had the right handle length to fit in my painting bag. That’s like the main reason I chose them tbh.
Honestly a lot of my art supplies philosophy is “give it a whirl with whatever you have lying around and when it feels like you're missing something specific keep an eye out for when that stuff goes on sale”
Paper
GOTTA BE HONEST I’m using cheapo paper. Because I’m making these paintings half for study and half to give my parents something to hang in the living room.
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You can actually see some of them curling in on themselves here lol. If you’ve seen the sketchbook I’m holding in any of my pics of paintings it’s one of the canson mixed media books.
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and its FINE... I wouldn’t necessarily recommend it lol.. I like that the texture is very fine but it doesn’t hold a lot of water and definitely distorts. Also I keep ripping off the surface with painters tape but that might just be on me. Oh buy artist tape. Just because its so satisfying to have clean edges.
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I’m using painters tape instead of artist tape because I found it in the basement but if youre buying supplies buy artist tape because it’ll be kinder to your paper. 
SPEAKING OF PAPER.
I guess anything heavyweight for watercolor/mixed media will be fine? some people like a lot of texture but if you’re painting small you might want to avoid it and pick hot press over cold press. Honestly I feel like a lot of this is going to depend on what your specific needs are.. how big do you want the paper to be.. do you want a sketchbook or would you rather carry around loose paper... etc. Maybe go to an art store and touch all their paper. I feel like its easier to understand sizes and texture when you’re seeing it physically.
When I go on a trip, I normally bring a softcover heavyweight stillman & birn sketchbook because I tend to obliterate metal spiral books in my bag LOL. Also I don’t rip any pages out of my travel sketchbooks so I don’t need perforation or anything. Also they go on sale a lot in the art store I go to haha. I havent used gouache extensively in it but it takes inkwash/maker pretty well.
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On the higher end, I personally haven’t used it that much but my friends who do traditional illustration professionally swear by arches watercolor paper. It comes in lots of different sizes.
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Whatever you use, if you really want it to lie flat you’re gonna want to soak and stretch it on a board but I don’t bother with that because I am lazy.
Palette
You didn’t ask about palette but I’m taking the opportunity to be a shill because I personally use a sta-wet palette and I LOVE it.
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One of the biggest frustrations about gouache for me was how quickly it dries after it leaves the tube. And even if you can reawaken it with water its not quite the same? and consistency is SO important when it comes to applying gouache so I don’t want to be over-watering my paint.. ugh. Anyways, I don’t have to worry about that with the sta-wet palette and really its been a game changer for me. sta-wet is a brand name but there are a bunch of other wet palettes not by masterson that I’m sure are just as good. I mean, it’s just a box with a sponge basically, that can’t be hard to replicate.
The only thing - and I personally have not had this issue but I have friends who have - is that if you leave it wet for too long it could grow mold? or a mouldy smell? Just wash your palette with soap and don’t leave it for weeks on end and it should be fine.
If you’re not feeling a palette that’s always moist, the best palette I used in school was a simple glass palette. you can buy one I guess but it’s so easy to DIY, I think the way we did it in school is getting a piece of glass and mdf from the hardware store cut the same size and then duct taped them together on the sides so it wouldn’t be sharp.
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costs like nothing.
what else...get a palette knife if you like to mix paints? and like to save paints... mixing with the brush means you lose paint in your brush in the mixing process so a knife is a good way to maximize that process. I don’t use it much but sometime if I have to mix a lot of one color I’ll pull it out of my bag.
I don’t know anything about easels, I sit on the dirty ground like a gremlin when I paint.
Ok yeah that’s all the supplies tips I have. hope some of it was helpful! always try to save money with art supplies, I think. Especially if you’re just starting out - it’s less stressful to use cheap supplies too lol. Good luck! Happy painting!
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psycoweeb · 3 years
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Amber/Momo Yaoyorozu
Color Prompt: Amber(Most of this was meant to happen in front of a fire...)
Fluff☁
Warnings: Tooth rotting fluff, cheesy confession, hiking, and my bad writing ❤
Disclaimer: I do not own bnha or any of its characters. Only the story written below.
A/N: I am SO SORRY this took so long! To make a long story short I basically dropped all of my hobbies in order to focus on the last bit of my school semester😅
It's litterly 12am rn so sorry if it seems a bit off at the end (this fic DEFINITELY did not go the way I planned😂I kina like it tho)
~~~•∆•~~~
You tried to keep up as you walked the trail, ducking and dodging branches. 'Why am I here again?' you thought starting to feel your fatigue slowly building.
It was nearing the end of class when Aizawa sensei randomly announced a surprise four day "field trip" that would take place two days later, and it wasn't an option. We ended up rushing to get our parents permission, and pack up.
You were pulled out of your thoughts as you heard Mina groaning loudly. "FINALLY!" The pink haired girl exclaimed sounding relieved. She had good reason to be, Aizawa Sensei had the entire class take a SIX HOUR hike instead of taking the bus up the very obvious road.
You dragged yourself to the clearing along with the rest of the class toward Aizawa sensei, who some how made it up before all of you. And didn't seem the least bit tired??? After giving the class a few hours to rest, thank goodness, Aizawa sensei stood up to speak.
"I'm glad to see you all made it in one piece, however I can't promise you'll leave that way" Everyone internally groaned at this. "starting today we have survival training" He said with a bored expression.
Iida stepped forward, confused by his teachers statment "With all do respect sir, why would we need that type of training? We'll most likely be working as heros in the city, correct?"
"While that may be true" The teacher said turning to him "we don't want other incidents like the USJ. We don't know the extent of their power, therefore we dont know where or how far they can teleport someone. And it was made clear how much you all are lacking in this type of environment at the training camp"
He continued "None of you are used to fighting in a closed off environment with obstacles everywhere you turn, that's what this training camps main objective is, to get you ready for anything. Today we have survival lessons and tomorrow we work on combat, we'll switch off between the days. That means you have two days to learn how to survive in a forest and two days to learn combat in a forest, good luck"
~~•∆(Timeskip by: Momo's delightful tea∆•~~
Everyone sat in silence waiting for their teachers instruction... And by silence I mean bakusqaud was quoting vines while Bakubro yells at them to shut up. (but with more✨𝐜𝐮𝐫𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐠✨)
Dekusquad was thinking about random strategies they should use if they were ever ambushed (don't jinx it) while also thinking about what they would eat once they get back.
And the rest of the class are sitting in silence minus some mumbling about cold soba and a few poems.
At some point, in the middle of all this, Midoriya decides it's been long enough. "It seems like Aizawa sensei doesn't have any intention of helping us figure out what to do"
"I do believe it's time that we take charge of the situation." Said Iida "yeah but who?" Kirishima asked quizzically
"What do you mean? " Ojiro inquires
"Who should take charge?" You nodded at his answer
"He has a point" You started "It would be to chaotic if we all 'took charge' of ourselves."
"I vote Iida and Momo!" Hagakure beamed "They aren't the class president and vice president for nothing!" she exclaimed, running over to hug Momo's arm.
"Yeah that sounds good"
"I have no qualms with it"
"Yeah"
"I don't see why not"
"I can get behind that"
Mutual agreeance flowed over the crowd of teens in the form of nods and over exclaimed confirmation.
"Okay then" Momo said, sounding slightly nervous.
"ALL RIGHT THEN" exclaimed Iida unconsciously chopping the air, beginning to bark out a few plans and ideas.
×ו∆Timeskip by: Mina's killer moves∆•××
You walk through the trees, glancing around at the ground every once in awhile to make sure you're not skipping over any decently sized sticks.
"How many do you have so far?" You yelled out, not in any particular direction.
"Not enough" Momo yelled back, obviously preoccupied with finding sticks big enough for the fire you both were tasked with building. And by fire you mean bonfire, I mean, it is meant for about 22 people.
So you were kind of disappointed when you found out Momo couldn't use her quirk to make your jobs easier since sticks were considered living things.
You continued to walk forward until you came across a log with a few decent sized sticks protruding from the sides. You snapped them off the log, deciding what you had combined was enough, you both quickly started heading back the direction you came, hoping to get back before it gets dark.
Now, listen. The camp was generally pretty big. I mean, it IS meant for 21 students plus 1 teacher. That being said... why couldn't you find it?!?
You DID come from this direction... RIGHT???
Or.. Was it that way....oh no
"Whats wrong?" Momo walked a bit closer, noticing your hesitant steps.
"Oh nothin', just got a bit turned around" Your voice got higher, trying, and failing, to brush off her question
"Wait so...we're lost???"
"Hey! I never said 'lost'...but uh" You cleared your throat "Yes"
And that my friend... Is when panic set in. You'll never be able to graduate or even try to beat Bakugo and his damn near perfect grades!
"Um... Y/N"
Forget about being a hero! You can't even save YOUR SELF! FrOm TrEeS!
"Uhh"
I'll never be able tell her
That.. That is when you made the worst mistake of your life, you looked at her.
And saw Momo's confused, borderline sad face. You had been speaking out loud this whole time.
'Well, I was mumbling what are the chances she ACTUALLY understood what I was saying??? Maybe I could play it off?'
"Tell who what?"
'Dang it!'
You thought you were packing before? Ohh you haven't seen anything yet!
This is the WORST time to confess! It's not romantic AT ALL and your covered head to toe in sweat! And now, you either have to confess your undying love for the girl you and been borderline stalking for MONTHS! Or let her go on believing something that MY NOT EVEN BE TRUE!
You took in a sharp breath. "Well" She gestured for you to continue "There's this girl, she's smart, pretty, nice, well tempered, a good leader, and most likely WAY out of my league... " You had started rambling "A-and I kind of have a massive crush on her... "
With every word Momo's face slowly fell until she was completely looking at the ground
"Well, it sounds like you really like her"
"I do" You looked toward the sky dreamily
'Wait.She doesn't think. She couldn't really. Oh no.. '
You stopped dead in your tracks and turned toward your classmate.
There is NO WAY are you letting the classic: mIsuNDErsTAnDInG tRouPE get in the way of you possibly being able to get a date with the girl you've had a crush on for basically the whole school year!
"Momo Yaoyorozu!" You unintentionally shouted with sudden confidence. She jumped in surprise "You are the most amazing person I have had the pleasure of meeting and will no doubt become an even more amazing Hero"
You paused "I don't want to end this year knowing that I had the chance to have someone so beautiful in my life, possibly forever, and passed it up." You grabbed her hands and looked into her eyes, she was blushing... HARD.
You low key felt proud of yourself. "Momo, YOU are the girl I like. Would you please consider becoming my girlfriend?" You could feel her grip on your hands tighten.
"Do you really think I'm all those things?" She mumbled. "Of course" You answered without thinking, a confused look on your face.
"Strong, stubborn, creative," She spoke softly, gaining confidence with every word.
"good looking, encouraging, and always able to calm down a bad situation while still being able to bring energy into a room just by walking in"
"That's what you are to me." She was now looking you in the eyes. A bright smile on her face. "So when you ask me if I would consider being your girlfriend, the answer is, I already have. And there is nothing I want more"
Your eyes we're now glossed over with tears, but you didn't feel embarrassed because you could see that hers were too.
You both started to lean in and closed your eyes. Soon enough your lips met. It was as if time had stopped. As if the universe itself wanted to sit and appreciate the beautiful and unforgettable moment.
Even when you consider everything that happened that you didn't exactly enjoy. Even though you were still lost and BAKUGOU of all people was sent to find you. That was the most memorable and magical night you had ever experienced as a student of UA.
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kristal-dawn-art · 3 years
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Jujutsu Kaisen OC Reika
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I couldn’t resist, so here’s my OC for JJK. 
Name: Kougetsu Reika (紅月霊花) Alias: Rei Species: Human; sorcerer Birthday: August 30 Zodiac sign: Virgo Age: 16 Gender: Female Height/Weight: 163cm/ (5’4” Hair/Eye Color: Deep auburn/dark gold Status: Alive Relatives: Kougetsu Toshihiro (father); Kougetsu Mika (mother); Gojou Satoru (distant relative); Okkotsu Yuta (distant relative)  Occupation: Student/Jujutsu Sorcerer Affiliation: Kougetsu Clan; later Tokyo Prefectural Jujutsu High School
More info under the cut XD; 
Appearance: Reika has fair skin, dark golden eyes, and deep auburn hair that she wears in a side ponytail with a 3-part fringe. She favors comfortable clothing that is easy to move in, with a typical outfit consisting of a purple shirt paired with a gray-and-pink jacket, denim skirt, dark leggings and running shoes. Her school uniform consists of a purple tank top tucked into a short pleated uniform skirt. Leggings, running shoes, and a short-sleeve uniform jacket complete the look.
Personality: Reika enjoys observing others as much as she loves interacting with them - well, as much as she can observe given her situation - and because of how sheltered she’d been before enrolling at Tokyo Prefectural Jujutsu High School (aka Jujutsu Tech), she jumps at the chance to befriend someone. She’s fairly straightforward in her words and actions, whichever is more appropriate in a given situation. While not too much of a conversationalist, she’s happy to keep someone company, if she feels they need it. 
For the most part, she wears her emotions on her sleeve, and her tone of voice is a very good indicator of how she’s feeling. Rarely does she feel the need to hide her emotions, but when she does, she does it fairly well. Being a studious sort, she dislikes it when someone interrupts another person while they’re explaining something, and will often clap a hand over the offending party’s mouth.
She’s not that good at picking up on tension in a room, so to speak, but she can make a good guess at how people are feeling, and if they’re feeling down, she’ll try to help them feel better. Overall, she likes knowing she can help others, and is happy to play the support role whenever on assignment. She also hates ‘seeing’ someone get hurt, whether or not they show they’re in pain. Even while worrying for someone, she’s able to keep a cool head, and will choose her next actions in such a way that she’ll have time to tend to the injured person if necessary.
ABILITIES AND POWERS
Overall skill level: At present, Reika is a strong Grade 2 sorcerer, though her precise control of and sensitivity to cursed energy, plus the speed at which she masters different forms and applications of her inherited technique makes it possible for her to move on to being at least a semi-Grade 1. 
Extreme sensitivity and energy control: Because she is both deaf and blind, Reika’s other senses plus her ability to sense cursed energy are all highly enhanced. She can feel movement through minute changes in air pressure and thanks to her Curse Sensing, and reading the flow of another’s cursed energy tells her also how much was expended. Training also helped her get a feel for how much energy she has to use to get a certain effect.
Enhanced mobility: Reika’s training to use cursed energy to fuel her movements has improved her speed and reflexes. So while not as fast as individuals like Yuuji or Maki who have innate physical talent, Reika is still able to move very well in combat, with little to no wasted movement. 
Competent combatant: Even though her training and her personal preference had her focus on defensive applications of her technique, she can still do a reasonable amount of damage when necessary and thus can hold her own reasonably well.
JUJUTSU Cursed Energy Manipulation Great Cursed Energy: Reika’s inherited technique, overall, takes much cursed energy to use, even if the individual techniques don’t use a lot. Training further helped Reika learn to conserve her energy and use the appropriate technique for a situation. This, combined with the overall effect of the Kougetsu clan’s inherited technique, means that Reika has a high amount of cursed energy to work with at any given time. Drawn-out fights are challenging for her, but alternating between manipulating her opponent’s energy and her own can help her last longer, though not without taking a toll on her body.
Inherited Technique Hands of Tsukuyomi. Believed to be an offshoot of Limitless, this technique hinges on users being able to manipulate both their own cursed energy and an opponent’s to achieve a variety of effects. At its most basic and on the surface level, Hands of Tsukuyomi can disguise or suppress the user’s cursed energy, allowing them to pass as civilians. Users may also gain enhanced speed and mobility by fueling their movements with cursed energy, and increasing the impact of any physical attacks they may employ. The technique’s more advanced forms let users divert cursed energy, absorb it, and amplify the effects of an ally’s technique. Extremely advanced applications of the technique see users manipulating light to distort what opponents see, and even unleashing a barrage of compressed light over a desired area.
All forms fall under one of four phases, each one focusing on a particular general effect. Full Moon focuses on amplification, Waning Moon covers absorption, Crescent Moon deals with redirection, and New Moon focuses on negation. Regardless of form, the user needs precise control to achieve the desired effect. Only a handful of users are able to use more than 2 phases, and while they can and do master at least one, true Hands of Tsukuyomi masters are able to use forms from all four, flowing from one to another depending on the situation. Reika herself is regarded by her family to be a highly gifted user as she is only one of three Kougetsu sorcerers so far who have learned to use Hands of Tsukuyomi to heal themselves and others. 
In most cases, activating a technique requires a specific series of hand seals from a fixed set of 12, based on the lunar zodiac, and the user concentrating on the desired effect, including range (if any) and the target. The only techniques so far that don’t require these seals are Reika’s Curse Sensing, Tidal Flow, and Shroud.
Benefits: 
Users being able to reflect an opponent’s cursed energy and any effects of these back at the original user (e.g. a user would be able to deflect Mahito’s “Idle Transformation” and possibly cause him to transform instead into a form he wasn’t planning) along with the precise control of their own cursed energy allows them to last longer in combat, compared to if they were to rely on their cursed energy alone. 
Users are also able to increase the effectiveness, strength, range, or duration of techniques when using more energy than typically required. For instance, users can move twice as fast when fueling their movements, or reflect more than one cursed technique simultaneously.  
Drawbacks:
The stronger the opponent, the more difficult it is to make their technique rebound completely; the user will either have to use more cursed energy, or deal with the technique in a different way (absorb or negate it). 
The more powerful forms take longer to master and use up a lot of cursed energy, so if they’re countered or don’t work out as well, the user may be worse off than if they hadn’t used said forms.
Overuse causes users to suffer from paralysis in one or two limbs, an inability to speak, blurred vision, muscle pain, or a combination of any of those. The more powerful the form that was last used, the bigger the toll it takes on the body. In the worst-case scenario, a user may pass out from the physical and mental strain.
Techniques:
Full Moon: Zenith (満月: 天頂 ; Mangetsu: Tenchou) After activating the technique, Reika lays a hand on an ally and channels some of her cursed energy into them the moment they deploy a technique of their own, thereby strengthening it (e.g. Fushiguro’s shikigami will be harder to destroy) or amplifying the effect (e.g. Inumaki’s cursed speech won’t create as much of a backlash).
Full Moon: Moonbeam (満月: 月光; Mangetsu: Gekkou) Reika compresses light and unleashes it in a barrage of beams that she can direct freely, and even redirect if they haven’t made contact yet. The bigger the area of effect, the fewer the projectiles launched.
Waning Moon: Afterimage (下弦の月: 残像 ; Kagen no Tsuki: Zanzou) -description to be added-
Waning Moon: Kaleidoscope (下弦の月: 万華鏡; Kagen no Tsuki: Mangekyou) Reika alters the surroundings to conceal her and her allies’ location while also setting up a protective barrier. While active, the barrier absorbs the energy from cursed techniques targeting her or her ally, creating a well for Reika to tap into later. This takes a lot of concentration, so if she’s distracted, the barrier fails to absorb the energy, thus exposing the illusion.
Crescent Moon: Mirror (三日月: 鏡; Mikazuki: Kagami) Reika controls the trajectory (?) of another individual’s cursed energy, turning it back on them or onto a different target. The effect is usually instantaneous and she doesn’t have to keep the technique activated, unless the user is of a higher grade. When that happens, she needs to keep it active until the redirected energy hits the new target. This technique doesn’t work against special-grade opponents, though, and is tricky to use when there are more than two opponents.
Crescent Moon: Haze (三日月: 朧; Mikazuki: Oboro) A more advanced form that Reika is still trying to master. In theory, she would be able to arrest the flow of cursed energy from multiple targets, making it appear as if their techniques were deactivated. Then, she’d redirect the trajectory of each one (e.g have Kamo’s arrows target someone else, or make Hanami’s plants grow in a different direction) before letting the attacks go through to their new targets. Reika left Jujutsu Tech not long after enrolling to learn this technique from a relative.
New Moon: Disruption (新月: 破壊; Shingetsu: Hakai) This technique enables Reika to negate or forcibly deactivate a technique deployed by someone else. However, both her feet need to be planted - similar to the Simple Domain - and the user whose technique she wishes to deactivate must be within 10 meters of her. 
New Moon: Umbra (新月: 本影; Shingetsu: Honei) An advanced version of Disruption that Reika is still trying to master, it functions similarly to a Simple Domain, but instead of requiring the feet to stay set at the point the technique was deployed, it calls for Reika to keep her hands in the necessary seal and concentrating on keeping the flow of energy around her constant. Its range is just 3 meters, but Reika doesn’t need to stay grounded, so it’s more versatile and can be activated even in the air. This is another technique that Reika had to learn from a relative.
Others: 
Energy Sensing. Reika’s energy grid that she uses primarily for navigation, but can be used in combat and to sense approaching cursed spirits. Reika can quickly react to whatever information she gets from it. 
Tidal Flow. Reika uses cursed energy to enhance her actions in combat. 
Tidal Strike. Reika channels cursed energy into her hands or feet and compresses it for precise strikes; the effect is more slicing or piercing compared to the blunt force from, say, Itadori’s.
Shroud. A reversed curse technique involving Reika surrounding herself or others with negative cursed energy to heal injuries.
Barrier Techniques Eclipsing Light (食の光; Shoku no Hikari) Reika creates a protective barrier of compressed light around her and the target. While active, the barrier steadily absorbs the target’s cursed energy, preventing them from using any techniques. She then reverses the flow of the energy, releasing it in either a barrage of multiple projectiles from above or as a single, focused beam originating from her outstretched palms. The domain is still incomplete. 
Story: The only child of the current head of the Kougetsu Family, Reika was born both blind and deaf, which made both her parents reluctant to have her train as a sorcerer, even if she later proved to inherit their clan’s Cursed Technique.
As time passed, it became obvious that the little girl’s other senses were enhanced. Using vibrations in the ground and in the air, she was able to tell when someone nearby was talking or when something was being moved. She proved herself capable of using and controlling cursed energy earlier than other young sorcerers, soon figuring out how to lay strings of energy out in a grid pattern and using that to ‘see’ her surroundings. 
Because of her clan’s stance on sorcerer society and her parents’ protectiveness, she lived a sheltered life, rarely leaving the family compound and interacting only with family members and teachers brought in to tutor her. Eventually, however, Reika asked that she train in both hand-to-hand combat and the use of her Inherited Technique, arguing that she needed to be able to rely on herself as well, not just on family members, to keep herself safe. Toshihiro and Mika agreed, making sure she learned to suppress her cursed energy so she’d appear as a civilian to any sorcerers and cursed spirits, even when using her energy grid to navigate. The last thing they wanted was for their only child to be endangered, or to draw the attention of other sorcerers.
As her skills improved, Reika took to going out on her own to explore the city, eventually encountering cursed spirits. The harmless ones she left alone, but not the more threatening ones. She often led these back to the Kougetsu family compound for more experienced sorcerers to exorcise. At some point, however, she grew confident enough in her abilities and began exorcising spirits herself when she perceived they had less energy than she did and she could do so without endangering civilians. 
During one such outing, Gojou witnessed her luring a cursed spirit into an alley before exorcising it, and became intrigued when he learned the younger one could neither see nor hear - likely a result of a Heavenly Restriction. When his superiors learned of Reika, they called for her enrollment at Tokyo Prefectural Jujutsu High School, reasoning that she’d need field training her family might be unable to provide. Reika’s parents were reluctant to let her go, but the young teen was eager to leave. For her, it was a chance to live away from her protective family members, to test her abilities as much as possible while keeping others safe - civilian or sorcerer - and to learn more about her role as a sorcerer. She entered Jujutsu Tech soon after the Kyoto Sister School Goodwill Event.
Trivia
Reika has to touch someone’s face or throat to be able to tell what they’re saying, using the vibrations to interpret the words. Otherwise, someone needs to sign into her palm to give her information directly. 
The Kougetsu Clan doesn’t condone the way sorcerers in Japan are treated, or how the society functions as a whole. Because of this, Kougetsu sorcerers went largely unregistered for 5 generations, their technique relatively unknown. Reika enrolling at Jujutsu Tech broke this pattern.
Reika aspires to be like Maki when it comes to hand-to-hand combat. 
When meeting someone for the first time, she asks if she can touch their face. To her, Gojou has a lively face, Fushiguro and Itadori both have kind faces, while Kugisaki’s is determined. Panda’s is friendly, Maki’s is strong, and Inumaki’s is gentle.
Reika says that different colors feel different to her, and she picks out clothing based on that. 
Seiyuu/VA: Nitta Emi (JPN)/Cherami Leigh (ENG)
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woppy42 · 2 years
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Hi!! This might be a little random but I've always wanted to ask since youre an actual professor and everything.
I'm about to study anthropology in college once I graduate this year and the only end goal I have in sight is to teach higher education. So basically all I'm asking is what's it like? What should I expect?
I'm sorry if this seems very out of nowhere 😅 Have a nice day and good luck on the new semester!!
Hey! Congrats on graduating this year and knowing what you want to do as a career!! That's awesome. :D (took me until mostly through my second degree to figure out, LOL)
(This got long so I put it under a cut)
I have to say it varies widely based on the institution and the discipline within that institution. For instance, I teach a local college, not a university, which means our terminal degrees are Associate's degrees--and depending on what students need, they may or may not choose to transfer to a four-year university to finish a Bachelor's degree. I knew I wanted to teach a this level specifically because it hits a sweet spot where students are here because they choose to be, not because they have to be (like in high school, where you have to also content with teenagers and their parents) and has less responsibility than a full university. At a university, you're expected to have a PhD and constantly pursue research and publication in your field, but I wanted my main focus to be teaching. Additionally, you only need a Master's degree to teach a two-year college.
I will say that getting a full-time faculty position in the first place can be challenging and I was extremely lucky. (Right place, right time, right history.) Adjunct positions are how a lot of people get teaching experience, but they unfortunately pay very poorly.
But none of this talks about the actual teaching experience, which is probably what you wanted in the first place, LOL. To be honest, I'm not really sure how it would be for you, since I only have experience in an engineering department in one specific institution. But there are some general things I can say:
I was apprehensive about teaching because I thought teaching the same classes all the time would get boring. Definitely not true! There's always improvements and updates to be made to your content and delivery, and teaching different people who learn in different ways every semester is its own exciting challenge.
Grading is the wooooorst.
Your first semester will be incredibly busy and kinda scary since you're getting used to teaching and developing your own curriculum, but once you get into the swing of things I really think this is one of the best jobs around.
Having summers off is just as great as it sounds, LOL. (You literally pay for it since you aren't working during that time, but WORTH IT)
This is an incredibly long post. XD If you wanted to talk about something more specifically, feel free to DM me!
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eerythingisshaka · 4 years
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PTA III
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[Trevante Rhodes x Reader]
Word Count: 2.2K
Summer had come and gone in the blink of an eye yet felt as long as finals week when you were earning your teaching degree.  School ended last quarter with a clumsy splat seeing as the first wave of virus knocked everything out of order very quick. You stressed out running lessons to the school for kids to pick up and working with families with limited to no internet access pulled your patience to its thinnest layer.
So when all had officially finished, you had to take the time to yourself as best as you could.  In a normal summer, you would plan a getaway to just about anywhere you hadn’t seen before and the more solo the better.  Sipping something alcoholic in a warm climate with the Sun toasting your skin to its peak melanated beauty was all you would need to pack you full of endorphins that could last you into the next year.
But that wasn’t the plan now.  Travel restrictions keep you from going out of town and you can’t even get a decent dinner anymore seeing as most restaurants are dine out only.  The only silver lining you can muster is the mask mandates allowing you to keep from smiling at strangers in awkward politeness when they get in your way.  It is a layer of protection for your sanity and solitude.  
However that wasn’t the only silver lining you have from the summer.  Mr. Rhodes, or Trevante as he has to still remind you, became very generous with his time with you outside of the classroom.  As much as you try to keep things professional for your jobs sake, he won’t let you be for any little thing.  Your email has message after message from him asking about simple math for everyday things that apparently Nemour needed refreshing on, followed by a ‘so how you been doing?’
Email 1
“Dear Ms. (Y/N), I am contacting you in regards to my son, Nemour.  While in the grocery today, we came across a sale for oranges, 3lb. for $5.  But then this other store has 5 lb. for $6.  Now he is itching to know what price would be the better one to go for?”
Your response:
“Dear Mr. Rhodes,  Although my primary concentration is History, you can tell Nemour that he should go for the second deal with 5lb.”
“Perfect, that’s why you’re the teacher!  So...how’ve you been?”
Sometimes you reply, and sometimes you leave him on read, it depends on how conversational you feel.  But as time progressed, you got excited to see his emails asking to remind him what the 3 branches of government are or what amendment means what?  He even got you on video chat to discuss.
“What?!  So slavery isn’t really abolished on that bullshit?”  Trevante exclaims in awe.
You throw your hands up, aghast as if you just learned it yourself.  “That’s the thing about American government.  They will throw a loophole where you least expect it and throw a parade like the shit ain’t bout to pop out.”
“Damn!  That’s like some Trojan horse shit honestly,”  he shakes his head, taking a swig of his beer.
You snap your finger, “Exactly, my man, exactly!  That’s why nobody can agree on anything worth a damn.  There’s gonna be a clause somewhere that adds some shit that makes the whole thing rotten. But you didn’t hear it from me, so don’t let Nemour know I’m saying this kind of stuff.”
He twists his face in confusion.  “Why wouldn’t I?  My son got a right to know about what this country is founded on.  Everyone does.”
“Yeah I know.  Just...when topics like these pop up it’s difficult to keep it all…” your voice trails off as you search your bedroom for the words you are looking for.
“Politically Incorrect?”  he offers.
You nod a little.  “Kinda, yeah.”
He sets down his beer, sitting a little closer to the screen.  “You shouldn’t have to worry about that.  History is literally set in stone.  If we didn’t have it, we wouldn’t know what to do with ourselves now.”
“Do we know what to do now though?”  you ask in a higher pitch, squinting like you stepped in hot coals.
Trevante took a minute looking at you before dipping his head down to chuckle.  You could hear the pounding baritone in his chest from your speakers.
“What?  What’s that about?”  you ask.
He sits up again, stroking his beard, “It’s cute when you make your face like that.  That’s all.”
You roll your eyes, pulling your scarf further down your forehead to make up for slipping.  
Trevante tuts at you.  “I need a bucket or something to catch these compliments you keep throwing away that I toss at you.  You don’t believe me or what?”
You give a very dignified look, “I believe I am beautiful.  I just don’t believe in entertaining a parent, is all.”
Trevante sighs.  “Summer don’t count (y/n).  You’re not his teacher now so what’s the issue?”
You look off to the side and back at him.  The crisp white t shirt he has on is obstructing more of the view of his body then you care for but the tightness at the sleeve around his bicep makes up for what you know is already there.
“Hello?”  he says.
You blink a few times, crossing your arms.  “Hm?”
“You go off into space a lot too.  What’s on your mind when you do that?”
His arms around your waist that tightly bind you to his body as you inhale his sweet cologne that is perfectly distributed from his neck to chest.
You scratch your neck, and tell a half lie.  “Oh, just this new school year.”
“See this is a perk of having a teacher friend.  Fill me in, what’s up?”
“Well, all I have right now is that we are doing hybrid learning, so some classes at the school and some at home.  Now the district just need to provide the materials for the kids to be able to do that.  The internet, the laptop/tablets, and make sure we can all connect and no one is behind on lessons.  And since I am on the front line, I have to get creative with the lesson plans and keep people on task and on time.”
Trevante nods.  “Well me and Nemour are excited to see what you have for us next year, whatever it is.”
You smirk at the encouragement.  “Thank you Tre, but I can’t guarantee we will be together for the next school year.  That’s decided at random.  Plus the grade he is in next year is the last one I teach.”
“Nah, we gonna be in there.  If I have to sign a petition or boycott like these hot breathed whites out here not wearing masks, we will be in your class this fall.”
You bust out laughing at his determination.  “Dang, Tre!  Don’t go starting a ruckus up there cuz of me!  He will still be taught well, whoever he has a teacher.”
He makes a cut it motion across his neck.  “Nah, we only rock with the best and that’s you up there.  I will make all the, what you call it?  Ruckus?  That shit!  So I will be seeing you first day in the fall, ok?”
You feel heat spread over your skin from shyness.  His brash attitude comes out and makes you feel like a superstar.  “Ok, I’ll hold you to it.  How’s Nemour doing anyway?”
Trevante nods, picking up his laptop as he changes rooms.  “He is doing well, being a regular kid.  Playing and doing his chores.”
You nod.  “Great!”
He closes a door behind him as he lays the laptop down, you can tell he is laying across his bed on his stomach as he speaks.
“He has been asking me a lot more questions about police and like, if they stop me or him, what’s gonna happen and what do we do?  Should we run away?  Can we not live by cops, stuff like that.”
You heart breaks hearing this. “Wow, and this is coming from a child?”
He nods, resting his chin on his forearm.  “It’s part my fault.  I’m always looking at the news and if he sitting at the table eating breakfast or whatever, he’s gonna see it.  I cut it off when they show bodycam footage though cuz that is nothing but toxic.”
“I can’t count how many times I had to see them replay that man dying in the street.  And in front of people watching, they don’t care who is watching cuz what can you do?  You can’t interfere or that’s a charge on you but he could’ve lived.”
Trevante looks spaced out for a second hearing this.  “I know, and that’s why it’s hard explaining to Nemour what everything is about.  I give him the basics though:  Do what the officer says, don’t argue, and don’t get into shit that’s gonna get the cops called  on you either.  But it sounds played out to even say.  What did everybody else do that’s dead now?”
“Nothing.  Sleep in their bed, going to the store, jogging.  Not a damn thing that warranted a bullet.”
Trevante gives a small shrug, looking sad like he is staring at his reflection in a pond.  “Yeah, so he been grappling with that and that’s a lot for a kid his age.  That’s why I want him to be your student still too cuz you’re one of the only Black teachers there and I honestly think he is uncomfortable with white people right now.  We went to the store the other day and he calls himself protecting me saying if the man getting bread bothers me, he put on his little Timbs so he can stomp him for me.”
You gasp at the thought, giving a weak smile.  “I mean, that would go viral for some child to curb stomp a big old white dude.”
Tre smiled some too.  “I think Nemour was this close to saying ‘Don’t worry bout it sweetheart.’  I can’t let him look at no internet again.”
You put your foot up and say, “He finna give him that SPLAHH!”
Trevante laughs heartily, wiping his eyes, “You more hip than I thought too.”
“I had some wine earlier, so that might’ve helped.”  You put a finger to your mouth and pull up the glass from the nightstand.  
“Oh shit!  So this is Turnt Teacher!  Go head then, don’t let me stop you”
You wave him off.  “You aren’t stopping anything.  If nothing else, you keeping me going.  All this house shit is working my last nerve, it’s nice to see a familiar face every once in a while.”
“I think so too.  You’ve been a great addition to some weeknights this summer.”
You put a thumbs up as you sip your wine.  “Are we still doing a movie tonight?  I think it’s my turn to pick.”
Trevante curls up a lip.  “Nah, I don’t think so.”
Your heart sank a little, already having queued up a selection to watch.  “That’s ok, it is late.”
“Yeah, but really I wanna see you in person.”
Your body tensed at the invitation.  Thinking over the last few months of chatting, he has warmed up to you as an individual, but you aren’t sure if that feeling can translate outside of a screen.  Behind the camera it’s safe, you can be cute and mysterious but vulnerable and clumsy and it all comes up roses for him.  In person, cute and mysterious can seem pretentious and vulnerable and clumsy could just be a weirdo geek to him.
“Well,” you start, “I would but...you know this...pandemic is just…”
“I know,” he says.
“...awful, right?  So I just don’t think I can comfortably do that...now?”
Trevante thinks for a second.  “We can stay within the parameters of the guidelines though right?  Six feet, masks, no crowded space.  If you want, we can do that.  I just…” he sighs heavily, looking tired as he rubs his eyes, “...I have been getting stir crazy and you are the main one I have been keeping contact with outside of family, yet I only spent time in person on Valentine’s Day that one meeting we had.  And you had a date later!”
You laugh at him, remembering their first meeting that could’ve been an email no doubt.
“Yeah, you’re right.” 
“Do you wanna go out with me?  Be honest!”
“Tre, I told you-”
“See?  You even call me Tre now.  We familiar right?  I don’t usually have to beg like this but ma’am, you almost got me on bended knee!”
“Uh…”  you start to feel bad but your mouth stops working under pressure.
“Six feet,” he reminds you.  If nothing else, that makes you less inclined to want to go because what can you do?  No kissing that’s for sure.
“I don’t want to confuse Nemour,”  you rebuttal.
“He will be watched by a guardian, trust me.  He won’t be cramping out grown folks business.”
You feel a flutter in your stomach that fuels your excitement.  A plan to go out, with a man no less!  This could turn the summer around or be a disaster on the horizon.
“Don’t overthink it.  You’re a smart woman, but I don’t want you to overcalculate this.  You wanna see me, I wanna see you.  We’ll play it safe, and finally see each other in some natural light.”
You nod slowly, a smile creeps across your face as his argument finally sways you.  “Ok, I’m in.  Pick the time and place.”
Tag you!
@chaneajoyyy​
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thiswasinevitableid · 3 years
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hello! Not sure if you’re still taking winter prompt requests, but 34 seems like it has strong NSFW OT4 potential :o)
Here you go! It is indeed NSFW
34. we’re stuck together on a group project and everyone is tired and frustrated so you suggest we take a break and build a snowman 
There are lots of things Joseph likes about attending UWV Kepler. For starters, it’s one of the oldest schools on the Interplanetary University System, meaning he’s surrounded by students from Earth and its sister planet, Sylvain. The first gate between the two worlds appeared in Kepler, giving the whole area an air of mystery that he relishes. And, at the start of the summer, the cute Sylph in his lit class asked him out. 
Barclay is soft spoken, an amazing cook, and part of a whole community of Sylphs who live on Earth full-time. Sometimes, when they’re cuddled up watching the X-Files or he’s helping Barclay in the kitchen, he looks at the other man and is awestruck that he’s chosen Stern as his boyfriend. 
As much as he loves being at school, it has downsides. For instance, while the spring semester on Sylvain uses more experiential means of testing students, the fall semester on earth ends in finals weeks, just like high school did. He’s good at tests, so while they’re a pain he doesn’t hate them. Projects don’t often bother him, but when they’re group projects he gets flashbacks to his junior year of high-school and develops a sort of pre-emptive anger at the people he knows wont pull their weight. 
The final project for his Community Development class started off well. Barclay was in the class with him, and is one of his partners. The other two in the group are Duck and Indrid, another Sylph/human romance, and in the midst of their first planning session Indrid let it slip that he and Barclay hooked up during the Sylph equivalent of high school. Duck was wholly unbothered, though that may be more to do with him being even-keel in general, and Joseph got a little distracted imagining the two of them together. 
Between his organizational skills, Duck’s environmental knowledge, Indrid’s knack for art, and Barclay’s ability to incorporate different elements, their plan for the hypothetical sustainable community center on Sylvain was chugging along. Even if Duck and Indrid kept cuddling up or stealing kisses whenever they could. It’s just a little much, in that it makes Joseph wonder what it’d be like to be between them, Indrid’s wiry frame wrapped around his back while that wide smile pressed into Joseph’s neck while Duck gave him that crooked grin and pushed his legs apart with strong hands…
Focus. He needs to focus. 
Because they have been trying to put it all together for two hours straight and have made no progress.
“...just think this bit is gonna read as convoluted. What do you think babe?” Barclay points his pen at the section in question.
“We could probably do without it.”
“Maybe” Duck pulls up the directions for the fortieth time, “I’m worried if we over-edit we’re gonna fuck up section five on the rubric. I still don’t know what he means by those last two bullet points.”
“Not sure reading them over yet again will reveal anything new.” Joseph rubs his forehead, “Indrid, what do you think.”
No reply, just a scratching pencil. 
“Indrid?”
“Earth to ‘Drid.” Duck nudges his boyfriend, who abruptly shakes his head. 
“Apologies, I got caught up in a future. How can I help?”
“Does this need to be cut?” Even Barclay sounds on edge.
“...maybe.”
“‘Drid!”
“It does not strike me as having a large impact on the grade either way.”
“Someone please just make a decision.” Barclay groans. 
“Hold on” Duck leans back to look out the window, “it ain’t snowin as hard. So, here’s what I’m thinkin; how about we take a break and get some fresh air. All four of us.” He looks pointedly at Stern, “seriously Joe, you been outside in the last two weeks?”
“Only to get from point A to point B.”
“C’mon” the shorter man hops up, heading for his coat, “last one out has to make the next pot of coffee.”
Soon they’re tromping across the lawn near Indrid’s house; because he’s a seer, the silver-haired man is in high demand by universities, governments, and businesses, which resulted in one paying his tuition and another for his house. 
“I have to do a stint as court seer anyway, I may as well take advantage of it.” Had been his explanation the first time he showed them the building, so at odds with his unkempt appearance that Joseph wondered if it was a practical joke. 
He still has no idea what kind of Sylph Indrid is, as he keeps a human form at all times. Barclay also leans that direction, but when he’d offered to show Joseph his Sylph form and Joseph practically jumped for joy before, during, and after the reveal, he became more comfortable wandering around as Bigfoot (“a bigfoot, babe”) at home. 
Indrid pauses mid-stride, turning to Duck, “An excellent idea, love.”
“Gotta let me say it first, sugar.”
“Apologies” Indrid kisses his cheek. 
“The snow ain’t turned to horrible slush yet, so: who wants to build a snowman?”
Twenty minutes later, they’re standing before a six foot tall snowman. It’s very well engineered, if he does say so himself. 
“Wonder if we can get it higher.” Duck contemplates the structure. 
Barclay winks at Joseph, slipping off his bracelet and rolling up another ball.
“Hell yeah!” Duck whoops and Indrid claps with an appreciative chirp.
“I’m going out on a limb and saying we’ve maxed out height.” Joseph shields his eyes as the snow falls in larger clumps. 
A wide grin cuts across Indrid’s face, “Not necessarily. Allow me.”
He hands his glasses to Duck and Joseph gasps; standing before them is creature coated in black and grey speckled feathers, save for his arms that are a smooth, dark grey chitin. Feathery antennae and glowing red eyes complete the picture.
“Holy shit.” 
Indrid trills, seemingly pleased by Josephs awe, and gathers a ball of snow before flapping into the air. 
“Ta-dah!” He bows, still flapping, having brought their sculpture to what must be closing in on nine feet. 
“It look a little rickety to you?” Duck whispers to Joseph.
Barclay, yelling over the sudden burst of strong wind, calls, “Indrid? You might wanna land buddy.”
“I suppose you’re--oh damn it.” 
The storm picks up, sending the top layer of the snowman straight onto Indrid, knocking him the rest of the way to the ground. 
“Fuck” Duck moves faster than Joseph’s ever seen “you okay ‘Drid?”
“C-cold, b-but otherwise f-fine.”
“Thank fuck.” With that Duck wheezes, shaking with laughter, “you shoulda seen your face.”
Indrid snickers, then sneezes. Which they all take as a sign to head inside. Having been the last one out the door means Barclay goes to start coffee, while Duck steps away to call his friend Juno to be certain she has a safe way of getting back to their shared apartment in the storm. Which leaves Joseph to be the one helping a very damp mothman dry off. 
“Why not just take your human form?” He scrubs the fantasy wicking towel along Indrid’s back.
“It would probably let me dry faster, you’re right. But I’m nervous that water droplets would stay in the feather somehow and freeze, which is unpleasant.” When Joseph finishes his head and back the Sylph poofs up, then  shakes his feathers back down. 
“That got a great deal of it, thank you. I can do my inner wings, if you’d rather go warm up.”
“It’s alright, I’m happy to help. Same motion?” He takes up position by Indrid’s extended right leg as the Sylph spreads his wings.
“Yes. Ah, be careful towards the innermost fourth. They’re sensitive.”
He nods, sets to work. As he glides the towel over the eye-spot, he murmurs, “I’m amazed you keep this form hidden.”
“It tends to alarm people.”
“Even Duck?”
A small laugh, “Only the first time, because he wasn’t expecting it. And I turned up at his window to warn him about a fire that was about to start in the dormitory.” 
“I think you look incredible.” The sincerity in his tone registers at the same instant their physical closeness does.
Indrid smiles, “So you do share Duck’s proclivities.”
“I, um, I’m not sure what you mean” He busies himself cleaning.
“You are attracted to me.” Indrid replies, folding both sets of hands in his lap. Startled, Joseph moves his hand too far in and Indrid chirps, higher than normal. 
“I’m sorry!”
“It’s alright, as I said they’re sensitive, but that does not mean they’re painful to touch.” The smile tinges with mischief and Joseph is ready to toss the rag aside and ask Indrid to let him put his fingers there when a drawl comes from the doorway. 
“Makes an even better sound if you play with his antenna.” Duck pushes off the doorframe, sauntering over as red eyes stay locked on him, “see?”
Indrid trills as Duck rubs the tip of one antennae between his thumb and finger. 
“Careful, sweet one, don’t get ahead of yourself.”
“You’re one to talk.”
Joseph doesn't know if he wants to take Indrid’s place or Duck’s, just that he’s wringing the towel so tight it’s tearing. 
“Coffees ready.” Barclay pokes his head in, chuckles, “or do you two need me to put it in hold until you’re done fucking in front of my boyfriend.”
“We would do no such thing without permission. Yours and his.” The way Indrid says it, as if Joseph is merely something can give or revoke access to, makes him cross his legs in a hopeless attempt to turn himself off. 
“Joseph?” Barclay’s voice is gentle as he joins him on the floor, “it’s up to you, babe. I’m happy to get my hands on some feathers again while you get your hands on those two but, uh, if you don’t want to or, uh, or need time-”
“I…”
Duck, blushing, sticks his hands in his front pockets, “Sorry, didn’t mean to come on too strong, was tryin to flirt a little-”
“Yes.” Joseph tosses the towel into the laundry hamper, “yes, I want this, you, all off you, oh my lord I haven’t been this turned on before. And that’s saying something” he turns to Barclay with a smile and gets a kiss in return, beard scratching his skin as the other man trails his lips down his neck. 
“That worked out nicelEEEEH, ohohyes” Indrid leans against Duck as the human plays with his antenna. Joseph crawls forward, eager to get his hands on Indrid’s wings, only for a clawed hand to come palm-up towards him. 
“Ah-ah, I didn’t give you permission to touch me, pet.”
He moans, hears Barclay growl, pleased, as Indrid chuckles. 
“Goodness, Barclay, you didn’t say he was that submissive.” Clawtips rest under his chin as Indrid keeps him in place. 
“Hold up, you two been comparin notes on fuckin humans?” Duck raises an eyebrow as Indrid nods, unashamed and Barclay goes bright pink. 
“Oh yeah? What’ve you been sayin about me, sugar?” He teases, tugging on the antenna. Indrid releases Sterns face and growls, pivoting onto his knees to trap Duck against the wall.
“That you are the finest, most accommodating human in either world and you make such lovely sounds when I bite you.”
“Sounds about right.” Duck kisses Indrid’s forehead, “but if you wanna see how Joe stacks up, I ain’t gonna complain. Long as I get a turn with him too.” He looks past Indrid to Joseph, “been wantin to know what you look like under the whole buttoned-up nerd thing.”
“No time like the present.” Joseph pulls his sweater off, grumbles as he remembers the shirt beneath it has buttons. As he undoes them, Indrid cocks his head. 
“I have an idea. Duck, remove your pants and underwear and whatever else you see fit. Barclay, stay clothed for now. Joseph, take everything else off.”
“I’m working on it.” 
“Then work faster, pet. I’ve been wanting to do this since you first touched my wings. Ah, there we are.” He purrs as Joseph kicks his boxer briefs away, “come sit in my lap.”
He does as he’s told, sighing as feathers tickle and caress his skin, “this form is even better from this angle.”
Indrid chirps softly, tongue darting out to lick his cheek as he closes his wings around him, “there will be ample time to explore it later, I promise. Right now, there is something that requires your attention.”
“OHmylord” his fingers sink into Indrid’s chest feathers as something thin and undulating teases between his legs. Two more appendages join it, one the same size and one thicker.
“To answer the question you’re about to ask, the shape has various, ah, biological functions.”
“And means you can get fucked more’n one way at a time.” Duck chimes in with what is obviously a happy memory. 
“Very true. However, for your first time, I think you can be a good boy and take the whole thing.” 
“FUCKohmyfuckinggod.” Down comes loose in his fingers as all three tendrils thrust inside him at once, twining into a single, ridged form that wastes no time in fucking as deep as it can manage. 
“Good boy.” Indrid tips his head back, purring louder, before turning his attention to Barclay, “Enjoying the show, sunburst?” The Sylph term of endearment gets a pleased rumble in reply, and Joseph steals a glance behind him to see his boyfriend palming himself through his jeans. 
“You know it, gorgeous. Seems like Duck is too.”
“Hell fuckin yeah I am.” Duck is rubbing his dick, the sight making Joseph lick his lips.
“Such an eager little human, my sweet.” Indrid glances at his boyfriend, “I think that deserves a reward.” He grips Josephs jaw with an upper hand, forcing his lips apart and his face up, “come and get it.”
Joseph moans, wiggling his hips as Duck’s two hands replace Indrid’s one. 
“Fuck, you look so goddamn good like this Joe.” He strokes his cheek, cock temptingly close.
“I don’t know, the view fromAH god, from down here is great.” He kisses Duck’s thigh, relishing the sweet smile the compliment gets him. 
“Gonna look even better in a sec. Now” he shoves his head forward, “suck my dick, pretty boy.”
He whines against slick skin, brings the hand keeping him balanced up and around to grope Duck’s ass. He loves the shape of it, and will tell the other man as much the moment his mouth is free. 
“Barclay, come here dearest” Indrid’s lower hands remain on his hips, but the upper two lift to do something he  can’t discern until there’s a zip of metal and an appreciative trill. 
“Yeah, you like the look of it little moth? Ohfuck, Indrid, baby, fuck that feels good.” A wet, rythmic sound suggests Indrid is blowing him, but when Joseph turns to look Duck jerks him back, fingers tightening in his hair. 
“Uhuh, ‘Drid gave you to me as a reward, so you’r gonna fuckin focus until I cum. Fuckin christ, wanna see just how good you look when I cum on your face, pretty boy. Nnn, fuck, bet your mouth feels even more amazin when your cummin. ‘Drid?”
“‘On ‘oment” 
A high, sharp chirp echoes through the room and Joseph can see Barclay’s hand from the corner of his eye, jerking up and down near the base of Indrid’s antennae. 
“Yeah, fuckyeah, Indrid, that’s it, fuck, can’t believe you’re lettin me cum on your feathers, god it’s gonna look so good, fuck, fuck, yeah.” Drops of cum hit the back of his next as Barclay howgrowlpurrs, Indrid’s tongue-tied reply sounding pleased with itself. 
A thud as his boyfriend drops to the floor, “Fucking-A, forgot how fast I cum from that.”
“It’s very gratifying. As for you, sweet little pet” all his claws dig into Josephs skin, the delicious pain sending whimpers up his throat, “I believe it’s time I made you cum.”
He yelps, muffled, as Indrid fucks him roughly, one tendril slipping out stroke his dick.
“Here, let me help.” Four thick fingers push in and he whines, Barclay kissing his shoulder and still letting out little growls of effort. 
“How’s that, my sweet?”
“So fuckin good, goddamn Joe, you feel fuckin perfect when you scream, heh, someone’s got a praise kink” he smirks as Joseph grabs him harder at the word ‘perfect.’
“C’mon babe, take it, you wanted all of us, remember?”
“Oh, I’m certain he does. And he’s going to feel it in the morning, I’ll make sure of that.” The tendrils still inside him curve just right and he cums, clinging to Duck’s legs as it ripples through him. Barclay pulls his fingers back, but Indrid continues fucking him, thrusts turning short and erratic as Duck grinds into his mouth. The other human cums with a groan and a string of curse words, stroking Josephs hair as he finishes. 
There’s a trill and Indrid’s wings flex, sending Duck stumbling backwards and Joseph pitching against the Sylph’s chest as he spills into him. It takes longer than usual, even accounting for the times it’s been with Barclay in his Sylph form. Just as some it drips out and down his thighs, there’s a final pulse and then the tendrils retract.
“Mmmmmmm” Indrid closes his arms and wings around him, “that was spectacular, pet.”
“Goddamn, came so hard I can’t feel my legs. You okay, Barclay?” Ducks fingers appear under Indrid’s...armpits? Wingpits? He’ll have to ask later.
“Uhuh.” A scuff as his boyfriend cuddles up with them. 
“......wait, we don’t need that section, we cover the rubric points Duck’s worried about in our ‘considerations’ portion.” Joseph sits up.
Duck guffaws, Indrid gives an amused tilt of the head, and Barclay leans over Indrid’s wing to kiss Joseph on the cheek. 
“What? Post orgasm clarity is a documented phenomenon.”
“We can fix it soon.” Indrid rubs his face, “I for one need to bathe, and given the storm will only intensify overnight and leave you all stuck here, we have ample time to fix it.” He flutters his wings shyly, “would anyone like to join me?”
An hour later they’re all clean and dry, the project is at a stopping point, and Barclay’s made fancy coffee for three of them and eggnog for Indrid. They settle in on Indrid’s nest of a bed to watch T.V, Duck in Indrid’s lap and the Sylphs wing draped over Barclay and Joseph. The weather outside chills and darkens the world, but as he nestles against soft feathers and warm fur, Duck’s hand in his, he’s got plenty of love to keep him warm. 
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inmyarmswrappedin · 3 years
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Episode 19. Okay, guys, this was an excellent season. Thanks for watching along with me. 
Aisha’s been up all night cramming for the math exam. The wake-up alarm rings, and she turns it off with a smile, and then stretches in her chair.
As Aisha is getting ready to go to the exam, she runs into her mother. Her mom asks if she’s going to school, and when she says yes, her mom sounds more affectionate than she’s been the past few days. Aisha realizes this is a good moment to apologize. She says she’s sorry for making her mom worry, says she didn’t mean to. Her mom accepts the apology and gives Aisha her phone back for being a good daughter!
As Aisha rides the train to Oslo, we see Emrah going back to his place. Then we get shots of Aisha doing the exam, while Emrah examines his passport. Emrah also packs a bag. When he opens one of his drawers, he finds a Kinder egg capsule. He’s surprised to find one of those toys you have to build inside. Aisha must’ve left it there when she stayed the night. Emrah empties the capsule (without building the toy!!) and leaves his apartment.
Aisha texts Jamilah and Freba after the exam. She thinks she did really well! She goes back home, it seems that Yusuf is there alone. She asks where their parents are, and Yusuf says they’re away (I think at a friend’s). He still sounds a little upset. Aisha lays it on him. She’s not studying law right now. Her grades weren’t good enough to get into law. (As a Spaniard, this isn’t at all relatable to me, because Law is one of the degrees with the lowest entry grade lol.) But  she’s taken the exam again, and she did really well! Yusuf doesn’t have much of a reaction... He’s just like, “But you’ve been at school so much?” Aisha says she’s been going to Sonans, which appears to be some kind of private school that helps prepare students for uni admission tests. And because this is a private business, and not free like uni, she’s been working as much as she can so that she could pay the fees. She didn’t want to ask their parents for money for this, since it wasn’t their fault Aisha didn’t get a good grade in maths the first time around.
Aisha waits a beat, and then asks Yusuf how come he’s not screaming. Lmao. Yusuf says he doesn’t have a job. There we go! I thought it was so sus that he’d go back to his parents’ place when he’d been living abroad. He doesn’t manage a lot of artists. All his clients left him, so he went back to Norway and he’s been sending resumes and applications. This explains so much. Yusuf was so down on himself for “failing”, so he was even harder on Aisha because, as far as he knew, Aisha had so much more to lose than he did, studying law but dating Emrah, etc.
Yusuf asks Aisha why she doesn’t trust him. He says he can’t back her up if she doesn’t tell him anything. Aisha says she’d like to trust him, but she can’t when he threatens to tell their parents about Aisha’s shit whenever she does anything he doesn’t like. She jokes that she’s going to tell their parents about Yusuf not having a job. But then she sits next to him and she says he’s not like his friends say. He’s a good brother and he’s been taking really good care of her. Yusuf just has to stop treating her like a four year old, and they have to trust each other. 
Emrah then texts Aisha to meet at 5. Yusuf asks if that’s Emrah, and Aisha says yes. Yusuf says to go meet Emrah, and he’ll cover for Aisha. So we get a scene where Aisha puts a lot of work into her appearance, with a nice top, Chanel’s earrings (! girl I miss you) and necklaces.
She and Emrah meet, and hug. I feel like Aisha is a bit overdressed compared to Emrah tbh lol. But anyway, Emrah then takes Aisha to some building, and he says one of his friends lives there. Aisha is extremely creeped out. She doesn’t want to go in or to walk up the stairs or anything. Emrah says to wait behind a door for a second, but of course, we know Aisha would never not barge into a situation headfirst lol. Behind the door, there’s a terrace. It’s empty. Aisha looks over the railing as if to check whether Emrah jumped lmao. 
Emrah is actually on a higher level. He tells Aisha he told her to wait, but now she can just climb up the ladder. Aisha tells Emrah he’s so weird, but climbs up regardless. It turns out that Emrah remembered when they looked over Oslo at Ekeberg. Abdi lives in this building, and I guess he gave Emrah access to the rooftop, where he and Aisha can now have a nice view of Stovner, the neighborhood where AIsha has felt so trapped. There’s also a blanket and pillows, it’s all very sweet.
Emrah tells Aisha that is going to go away for a year. He can’t say what he’s going to do, but when he comes back, the debt will be repaid and he’ll be free. And what he’ll be doing shouldn’t hurt anyone, except perhaps himself. I don’t like this, I really wish Emrah didn’t have to go away. 😞 Why won’t Bigmac be arrested instead? But anyway, Emrah is fidgeting a bit. Aisha asks him if he’s okay, and Emrah says he’s cold. However, he’s also nervous, which we know because of what he does next. He gives Aisha the Kinder egg capsule. When she opens it, there’s a fucking ring inside lol. Aisha makes the funniest face, it’s like 😕. She looks over at Emrah, and he is kneeling! He asks her to marry him!
Aisha’s like, “no.” Gvhvhv. And she says Emrah doesn’t even want to get married. Emrah admits this is true. He just wanted to offer Aisha an out since she didn’t feel free at her parents’. Aisha says she doesn’t want to get married just to be free. Then she asks if Emrah stole the ring gvhv. She says, you have a debt so how can you buy a ring? Emrah says the ring is his mom’s, so he didn’t steal it. They laugh at how Emrah proposed marriage when they’re not even together.
Emrah says that when he was in jail, thinking of Aisha made it all so much easier. So he didn’t like that Aisha saw him like that in his apartment, talking about the panic attack. But, he’s also glad, because even after that, Aisha is still here. He says Aisha is his very best friend. Aisha says she’d never been in love before Emrah, not like this. Because Emrah always accepted her for who she is, even if she’s preachy and bossy. Emrah says maybe it’s best like this, they don’t have to be together. Aisha lays her head on Emrah’s upper arm and says he can always ask her for help, because even big, strong, tough guys need help sometimes, right? Emrah agrees. Then Aisha sticks her head under his arm, so that Emrah wrap his arm around her shoulders. Aisha says Stovner looks really nice from here. Emrah praises Stovner.
Then follows some aesthetic shots of Stovner, without people. And finally, a series of medium and close up shots of young people from Stovner. Boys and girls of different ethnicities, a couple wearing head coverings.  
I think 17/18/16/19 was a show that was always committed to do justice to Stovner kids. In many ways, Abdi, Emrah, Ibo and Aisha (Yusuf, Jamilah, Freba...) embody stereotypes ascribed to second generation kids from poorer neighborhoods. But throughout this season, I always felt that, like Aisha said, the camera accepted Aisha for who she was. Even when she behaved badly or talked shit. I feel like this season (and probably the whole show, but I haven’t watched those seasons yet) showed characters who struggle to get by, who don’t have it so easy because they’re not wealthy or white or live in a really nice neighborhood. But these characters are ultimately just people who want to be happy and make things better for themselves and others, even in little ways like not burdening their parents with added debt. I think the 17-verse cared deeply for its characters, and so I find it hard to find a flaw. Because I don’t think it sought to judge the characters, or even the characters that the mains dislike. (Like uncle and Mohammed, for instance!)
One thing I’ve read a lot when it comes to representing minorities, it’s that the media should portray the joys along with the struggles. It shouldn’t be all struggle all the time, in order to make white (straight, cis) viewers feel pity. I think the shots of Stovner and Stovner people did just that. Show the joy, shyness, happiness of these teenies when they’re asked to pose for a TV series. 
I hope you’ve enjoyed the season, and thanks for reading these posts. 💛
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mr-entj · 4 years
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Hi Mr ENTJ, How do you deal with doubt? That gripping feeling that you're just not enough and you should be better? How do you look for answers from the inside rather than just patch in on from the outside? Thanks.
Related answers:
Can you talk about the quality(ies) or trait(s) that contributed most to your success?
What do you think is required from a person to succeed ?
Dealing with failure and overcoming adversity
You’re referring specifically to self-doubt. This is a great question that took me a long time to properly articulate a response because I didn’t want to dismiss it with a stereotypical: “I don’t feel self-doubt. I just fix the problem, power through it, and move on!” like every other ExTJ out there. I want to properly explain why this is the case so let me try:
I don’t often experience self-doubt or the gripping feeling that I’m not good enough, not because I’m a perfect human being (far from it-- here’s a greatest hits collection of some of my biggest failures), but because of my general approach to life that’s shaped by a few key beliefs.
1. I know where the world ends and where I begin
This means that I know where the line exists between what I want and what the world wants, between who I am and who other people want me to be, and between my expectations for my life and other people’s expectations of me. I see this boundary crystal clear and I enforce it. I set my own goals and I hold myself accountable to them.
This helps fight self-doubt because I don’t attach my self-esteem and self-worth to externally defined goals or assessments, I don’t accept unwanted input into my personal life from people who don’t matter, and I don’t compare myself to other people in destructive ways. If I compare myself to other people, it’s for the purposes of data gathering and not validation.
For example, the knowledge that most students graduate college in 4 years tells me that 4 years is the average amount of time. My key takeaway is that 3 years is above average speed and 4+ years is below average speed so I should aim to get my degree in approximately 4 years. My key takeaway is not that I’m a disastrous failure if I don’t graduate college in 4 years. And FYI, I ended up graduating in 6 years because I dropped out for 2 years and I still turned out fine.
Self-defined and self-enforced goals are critical to combating self-doubt because they mute all the outside noise; pushy parents, nosy friends, aggressive colleagues, and fickle societal standards. Life is very difficult by itself without the added complexity of multiple people pulling you in different directions that you don’t even want to go. Set clear boundaries and take the time to self-reflect what’s important to you so that you can be happy with the results of your efforts even if they don’t yield acknowledgement from anyone else.
tl;dr:
Find peace with the life you create for yourself because it’s you that has to live it.
2. I keep the big picture in mind, always
This means perspective. In the grand scheme of things, small losses here and there don’t amount to much because life is a marathon and not a sprint. This means that if you screw up today, there’s a high chance you can fix it tomorrow. If not, then know the world isn’t going to end because of it. The sun will still rise, babies will still be born, puppies will still be cute, your family will still love you, Tumblr will still be toxic, and the earth will still spin on its axis. I have failed classes, almost got held back in school, screwed up at work, infuriated important people, been rejected from 100+ jobs, lost important scholarships, and things still worked out because those failures didn’t matter in the long run even if they felt enormous at the time I was experiencing them. I know mistakes can be fixed, they’re not permanent, and they don’t sabotage the grand vision I have for my life. It makes the times I fall on my ass less painful which consequently makes me less fearful of trying to fly over and over again until I get it right.
This helps fight self-doubt because I attach failure to individual outcomes (actions) but I do not attach failure to me personally (identity).
For example, if I applied to Harvard University but got rejected, my interpretation of that outcome is this: “I failed to get into Harvard.” Yes, I failed to get into Harvard (action) but no, I am not a failure (identity).
The failure starts and stops at the end of an outcome, I don’t let it escape its container and infect other parts of my life by internalizing this kind of garbage: “I failed to get into Harvard so I’m dumb, I’m unworthy, and I suck.” This prevents self-doubt because I know failure is an isolated incident and I don’t take it personally. I don’t absorb failure as a personal identity-- I attach it to the specific event, action, or outcome and then store it in my vast library of knowledge as a lesson learned.
tl;dr:
Life is long and screwing up is part of the journey. Remember that you can fail at things (action) without being a failure (identity).
3. I accept that life is a game of probability
This means that I view life as a statistics game with events on a sliding scale between low probability of success and high probability of success. Probability of success is influenced by many variables such as my preparation, my natural abilities, the economy, my competition, timing, etc. I adjust the probability of success based on those variables to make better predictions:
I know that if my goal is to join the National Basketball Association (NBA), my probability of success is lower because my basketball skills and physical traits are below the average of a typical professional basketball player.
I know that if my goal is to get accepted to one of the best universities in the world, my probability of success is higher because my grades, test scores, and academic profile are above the average of a typical applicant.
Low probability of success doesn’t mean low effort. I don’t half-ass things that are unlikely to happen, I put high effort in all my endeavors if I really care about them and an obvious example of that is my life. Everything I’ve achieved in my life has been statistically improbable because I come from an underprivileged background where it was highly unlikely for me to have the life I have now. I beat the odds and achieved my goals anyway because I maximized my chances of success.
This perspective influences how I interpret success and failure:
Low probability of success that results in failure: “This outcome is what I expected so I’m not surprised, but at least I tried, gave it my best shot, and I know the answer. I’ll learn where I can improve and take that knowledge forward into the future.”
Low probability of success that results in success: “This outcome is not what I expected but I’m pleased it went my way. I understand this was an exception to the norm and I’m grateful it leaned in my favor.”
High probability of success that results in success: “This outcome is what I expected and I’m pleased it went my way. I need to continue doing the things that worked well and keep that knowledge for future reference.”
High probability of success that results in failure: “This outcome is not what I expected so I’m disappointed. I need to evaluate why I failed, understand how I can improve, and try again until I get it right.”
This helps fight self-doubt because it does one very crucial thing for me: it makes it impossible for me to lose.
I tell people all the time: “I’m undefeated because I’m still standing and I’m still going.” I can’t lose, I can only learn. It enables me to set realistic goals, have realistic expectations about my chances to achieve them, understand why I failed, and feel grateful when I succeed. Success is never guaranteed and failure is always accounted for in my calculations so I’m never blindsided. I know that I can be “perfect” and still fail, but I also know that I can be “imperfect” and still succeed. If I’ve done everything within my power and it’s still not going my way, then I’m not plagued with self-doubt because I can accept it was beyond my control and that it’s time to try something else.
tl;dr:
Many things in life are out of your control but try your best so you have peace of mind that you’re not quitting-- you’re moving on.
I’m not invincible, but for these reasons, it’s rare for me to feel self-doubt because I don’t view life as a game of “am I good enough or not?” I view life as a game of “what’s the best way to get what I want and did it work?” My two options are then: 1) Succeed, learn, and move on or 2) Fail, learn, and move on. There’s no third option to spiral into uncertainty and crippling self-doubt. I focus my energy on identifying the problem, the variables I can control, and the learnings from my outcomes.
In the rare times I do feel self-doubt, I go through a rigorous self-reflection exercise to identify the cause whether that’s concerns about personal decisions I’ve made, thoughts on my professional trajectory, or the state of my relationships. I identify the outcome that I want, gather information on how to secure that outcome, and give it my best shot. The result of that effort provides knowledge, wisdom, and opportunities to either 1) continue on the same path or 2) stop and try something else.
Ultimately, I always feel like there’s something wonderful in life waiting for me just around the corner and agonizing over past failures or self-doubt-- instead of getting up and trying again-- only delays me getting it.
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jaspernspv902 · 3 years
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What’s Holding Back the USA Study Scholarships for Africans Industry?
Why Study in the US?
Historical history
America is arguably the location to go to in order to analyze overseas and Visit the Americas. When its power standing has long been questioned quite a few occasions previously decade, it is referred to as the land from the cost-free. Developed over a revolution from Great Britain for independence in 1776, The usa has grown substantially for your young place, Regardless of its background of becoming in wars. Obtaining their own personal Civil War after which staying players in the two Earth Wars, America attained its standing from Intercontinental involvement in these tragedies. It had been write-up Entire world War II when the region was capable to practical experience a increase, and gained its title like a superpower.
Social progress
The us has its individual exceptional culture and with regards to the area you head over to, a person might have varying encounters, as well as their reactions will rely on the specified place. On the whole, the United States are divided into the next areas: Northeast, Southeast, Midwest, Mid-Atlantic, West and Southwest. When researching, it is sensible to exploration the region you may be residing in. Due to nation becoming the fourth premier in the world, the local climate is significantly unique, and you can experience unique climates by likely a handful of states absent. With various temperate zones, this also prospects to varied landscapes to view even though studying abroad, creating for fascinating family vacation ideas.
Cultural and geographical variety
The usa is enduring numerous actions and political variations. Among the best attributes with regard to the US is the proper to independence of speech and assembly. Due to the power to protest, the Civil Rights Movement and the Females’s Motion, along with LGBT legal rights, have successfully passed via their maximum legislation-generating physique, Congress. As a result of this, America is a popular location for immigrants, Specially people who have been exiled by their communities due to politics, faith or even race/ethnicity.
Overall, The us is often a melting pot of various waves of immigration and migration, which makes it a really perfect place for the Intercontinental pupil. In cities like Los Angeles, Miami, Ny city and Boston, the immigrant inhabitants is significant sufficient that you can come to feel in your own home. Dependant upon your interests, you might find yourself in a large metropolis, compact town, the nation or even in a very college or university town (we’ll describe this later). You could potentially be in a place that is certainly dense with forests, hills, deserts, lakes, and so on.
Science and technological know-how advancements
Given that Globe War Ⅱ, the US has grown to be the global leader in Science and Technologies. It's captivated prime proficient Students and experts from everywhere in the entire world to understand their scientific pursuit. Since 1950, about half from the Nobel Prizes laureates are with the US. These days it's the home of engineering giants like Apple, Microsoft, Google, Fb, Intel between a number of other leading organizations from the market.
Financial ability
Being the whole world’s greatest economic system, the US could be the driving power for business enhancement in pcs, pharmaceuticals, aerospace, armed service machines, and so forth. US pounds is a world forex, recognized for trade through the entire world. Nearly ¼ of the earth’s 500 biggest firms have their headquarters from the US and the biggest stock exchanges and transactions take place on a daily basis in Nasdaq and New York Stock Trade.
All the above truly helps make the US a land brimming with chances. On top of that, it truly is household to most of the most effective universities on this planet. Down below you'll be able to read through more about the American Instruction procedure.
University graduates
The US Academic Program
Neighborhood University (Junior College)
America has two sorts of better stage education. There are actually Neighborhood colleges (two-year colleges), and you'll find universities (4-year colleges). At a Neighborhood university, people can acquire an Affiliate’s Diploma, that is around sixty credits. It will require a complete-time school student two a long time to get this degree, and it can be less expensive than finding out at a College. At some Group colleges, college students can get paid a bachelor diploma in four a long time, which happens to be also provided by all universities. Learners with an Affiliate Degree can transfer directly in the 3rd calendar year of the university software with their credits becoming rolled into your bachelor degree, that is much more distinct and it has other necessities. Go through more about Neighborhood Colleges during the US for international students.
College
Universities, Then again, are larger sized and considered the “conventional” American college. Universities generally have study teams, many choices for routines and an array of options to “key” and “insignificant” in. For an undergraduate (a pupil that's acquiring a Bachelor Degree, generally known as a 4 12 months degree), A serious is the subject matter These are getting the diploma in. Such as, I come about to become an American scholar who majored in psychology. This means that I took nearly all of my classes in psychology. Now, I also minored in sociology, meaning which i took a number of lessons On this issue, but I did not think about it. Determined by which College you go to and what you need to do, you'll be able to big, slight and also double major and minor in countless topics.
Majors, Minors - opt for subjects within your curiosity
When you find yourself majoring/minoring in a very matter, you are trying to get a vocation related to this subject; it is crucial to understand what you need to do. When you can transform your important (I did myself. I had been originally a political science main), it might be tricky to transfer previous credits into your new method. Sometimes, people must remain in higher education for a longer period mainly because of the modify, but don’t get worried! Several go to high school all all over again, owing to altering their head. To me, this is The great thing about the American faculty program. In lieu of staying forced into a system, you may Specific your personal pursuits and judge on subjects that you may want to be in for the future. For Global pupils subjects like organization, Worldwide relations, it, tourism and even the social sciences are significant-desire factors thanks to their capacity to transform quickly again in one’s home state.
Best rating universities
You'll find many alternative College rankings. A lot of them are created in America, which may reveal that a lot of US universities are remarkably rated. Having said that, there is absolutely no doube that lots of the globe's foremost universities are American. Rankings alter from calendar year to calendar year, even so the faculties that usually rank in the best 30 in the United States are:
California Institute of Technological know-how
Stanford College
Massachusetts Institute of Know-how
Princeton University
Harvard College
Yale College
University of Chicago
University of Pennsylvania
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Johns Hopkins University
College of California, Berkeley
Columbia College
College of read more California, La
Cornell College
Duke College
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University of Michigan-Ann Arbor
Northwestern University
University of Washington
Carnegie Mellon University
Big apple University
College of California, San Diego
Georgia Institute of Technological innovation
University of Texas at Austin
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College of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign
University of Wisconsin-Madison
Washington University in St Louis
Brown University
University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill
University of California, Davis
University of California, Santa Barbara
Boston University
Scholarships to check in United states
Diploma and scholarship
USA has a number of the greatest tuition expenses in the world. It is standing to have superior tuition costs during the US, but that also ensures that schools have cash to provide back to learners as scholarship. For that reason couple American learners pay back the checklist price, Particularly to the costlier faculties. Some scholarships are only available for American citizens but most universities offer you some scholarships for Global college students far too.
Academic scholarships are the most typical. They offer students that manage great grades a scholarship discounted of five-thirty% on the tuition fee. Complete scholarships are very rare on undergraduate amount Except you are a extremely gifted athlete or have other equal abilities. On graduate stage it is easier for proficient Students to receive massive scholarships, frequently in return for expert services to the school such as getting a teacher assistant or research assistant.
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Text
Stress-based sickness, psychosomatic disorders, and the F word. Fibromyalgia.
Read up or listen up @t-mfrs.com (podcast available wherever you stream.)
Waking up, like I didn’t sleep for weeks. Falling asleep after five minutes on my feet. A pounding head. That sense of dread. Sticky sharp pains through in my shoulders and neck. Brain short on energy, missing a few cards from the deck. Waves of nausea and stomach cramps. Chills and sweats, depending on the body amps. Swollen lymph nodes. Muscle weakness poorly bodes. Insatiable hunger but nothing sounds edible - shit, now desire to throw up is incredible. Eyes shriveling, dry, back into my skull. The aches in my legs, pulsing and dull. Foggy thoughts. Racing heart. When will this end, why did this start?
Did I finally catch the ‘rona? Or am I just past my limit for being stressed out again? Well, I just moved, so this time I know that the answer is very likely… stressed.
So who wants to talk about getting sick? Yeah, among this group, the answer might be surprising. A lot of us do.
Why? Not because we love bitching and complaining when we feel less than ideal - spoilers, that’s every day, there’s really nothing left to say about the raging shit storms inside of us after a few years of it. We’re tired of hearing about it, too… just like we’re tired of living it, feeling it, and fearing it.
No, for us, it’s because it feels like there’s always a surprising ailment right around the corner when we least expect it. One that seemingly has no logical basis or reasonable solution. One that no one else understands. One that feels like it’s born of mental illness, somehow, while being very physically present. One that we don’t even bother bringing to doctors anymore, because no one needs to be shamed and shoved out the door again by their flippant disinterest in anything we say after the words, “Yes, I have anxiety.”
Yep. If you haven’t tried to mingle mental health with western medicine before, let me give you a quick disclaimer: unless you’re missing an arm, don’t bother. In my experience, the only thing you’ll get is an eye roll, possibly a prescription bandaid that somehow makes you feel worse, and a bored recommendation to see a psychiatrist - even if you already do.
All of this, of course, has the effect of only making you feel more upset. First, mentally, as you ruminate over the disrespect of essentially being called a liar just because the doctor doesn’t have enough training. Then, physically, as your increased stress and systemic arousal pushes your body into a new level of overdrive.
Oh, was it a mindfuck just to make the doctor appointment, get yourself there, and deal with the social anxiety of a waiting room for 30-120 minutes? I bet it felt great for someone to then invalidate your health concerns, recommend you calm down, and send you out the door without even looking you in the eye. Feeling more upset, now on a highly emotional basis? Enjoy the shame, hypertension, and lost sleep, as if you needed any more of that.
Today, I want to talk about the stress-central area of my health that hasn’t been completely figured out… and the label that I - embarrassingly - just recently learned is highly applicable to my physical condition.
But also, the outrage that I feel over said label, because, well, it explains nothing. In fact, if anything, it probably does all of us a huge disservice after we’re granted this diagnosis by pushing us into the express lane for being written off. It also separates two issues that are poorly explained, rather than combining them into one full picture that might actually yield answers. Oh, and should I mention that I think this is a larger problem of gender bias in the healthcare system? Yeah, why the fuck not. Might as well air all my grievances as a nice lead-in to another upcoming episode; is mental illness diagnosis skewed by gender?
I don’t want to let my pounding head and aching shoulders deter me too much, so let’s just get started.
History of ailments
I’ve talked about this before, but to briefly cover how fucked up this body is… let’s take a trip back to 2013 when my system failed me out of the blue. And by “out of the blue,” I mean that I had chronically overworked myself running on anxiety, obligation, and starvation for 2 years, leading to physiological revolt.
So, looking back, “duh.”
But at the time? This was all-new. It was crisis-inducing and beyond comprehension that I went from a perfectly healthy, physically resilient, surprisingly strong and low maintenance specimen to a chronically pained, systemically ill, digestively impaired, and constantly exhausted sack of wallowing self-hated.
After a lifetime of zero health concerns, I found myself bedridden and obsessed with every weird thing my body was doing to me. Which, as you’ve probably guessed, came hand in hand with the new weird things my brain was doing to me.
After a lifetime of zero health concerns, I found myself bedridden and obsessed with every weird thing my body was doing to me. Which, as you’ve probably guessed, came hand in hand with the new weird things my brain was doing to me.
You’ve probably heard the “What IS CPTSD?” episode by now, so I’m guessing you’re not a stranger to the details about the common emergence of complex trauma symptoms. Yes, that’s based on a lot of research, but it’s also a throwback to my own experience. I was a long time depression and anxiety lurker, first time complex trauma contributor around age 23, when my brain was suddenly uprooted by a series of new social and therapy-based traumas.
My depression became debilitating negative self-regard and stronger suicidal ideation. Suddenly, my social anxiety became agoraphobia. My new health issues became topics of obsessive and intrusive thoughts… you know, when I wasn’t ruminating about my role in every trauma, my worthlessness as a human, and my recently-unsettled childhood memories. My early twenties were a great time.
And with all the mental strain, came the unresolvable insomnia. Which fed right into the health problems. Which circled back to spark more mental duress. Health anxiety is not a fun way to live.
So, to call my illnesses psychosomatic is completely appropriate. But, also, completely insulting when a western medicine practitioner utters the phrase as if it was a turd slowly coming out the wrong end. And that’s exactly what happened every time I tried to seek help.
So, to call my illnesses psychosomatic is completely appropriate. But, also, completely insulting when a western medicine practitioner utters the phrase as if it was a turd slowly coming out the wrong end. And that’s exactly what happened every time I tried to seek help.
To be clear - back in the day I had some very easily detectable physical problems. I understand that doctors have a difficult job when it comes to interpreting the immeasurable inner experiences that their patients detail, but that wasn’t entirely the case here. When your body stops digesting food, well, there’s some evidence to prove that it’s a fact. When a 96oz medical grade laxative used for colonoscopy prep results in zero percent colon cleanse… uh… somebody isn’t doing their duty (pun intended). And boy, did my digestive system just decide that it was DONE doing its only job.
Everything I ate seemed to spark unpleasant physical responses, but moving materials through my guts and extracting nutrients wasn’t one of them. After months of garbage disposal failure, I was basically a walking sewer mixed with a compost pile. I found myself chronically starving, exhausted, puffy, distended, intestinally inflamed, and generally sickly. Your body doesn’t fare so well when it has no sustenance, it turns out.
At the same time, or maybe slightly predating my digestive protests, I started getting ill in weird ways. Things I had never experienced before started popping up, like chronic respiratory tract infections, sinus infections, and gum infections. I was having what seemed like allergic responses to something in my inner or outer environment. I was often covered in hives or my face and stomach were inflating like balloons for no apparent reason. I had near-constant pain in my continually-locked shoulders and neck. My actual skin, itself, hurt, as if I was being stretched to the brink of bursting. My lifelong migraines transformed into something new - disorienting tension migraines that came with horrifying loss-of-vision auras and feverish shakes.
Generally speaking, I was so tired all the time that I could barely get out of bed for more than a few moments before retreating back to my safe place to feel like garbage. My limbs felt like someone had tied weights to them and extracted several major muscle groups. I struggled even showering or washing my face, because both required holding my arms up higher than I was capable of enacting. I was so deliriously tired that I couldn’t see straight, think, or complete basic tasks.
Generally speaking, I was so tired all the time that I could barely get out of bed for more than a few moments before retreating back to my safe place to feel like garbage. My limbs felt like someone had tied weights to them and extracted several major muscle groups. I struggled even showering or washing my face, because both required holding my arms up higher than I was capable of enacting. I was so deliriously tired that I couldn’t see straight, think, or complete basic tasks.
On top of giving up my impressive life trajectory in the aftermath of the physical breakdown - because I was too fucking exhausted to consider the next steps I needed to take for grad school - this is also where I’ve previously mentioned my drive-aphobia coming into play. When you can’t count on your own faculties, you definitely don’t want to be behind the wheel. And suddenly, life gets very restricted.
I gave up my… anything life trajectory at that point. I went from a wildly social and focused student with a fantastic sense of humor about life and stronghold of self-determination to… Hiding indoors. Keeping isolated. Obsessing over my health. Googling the most embarrassing things late at night. Having no answers. Feeling like a crazy person. Hating myself. Fearing that this was the end. Assuming that my future was over. Guilting myself for fucking up my past. Replaying my tragic story of a rapid flight and a crash, after everything I had fought so hard to accomplish. Giving up.
This is riiiiight about where I pull most of my inspiration for talking about living in perpetual “trauma states” from. Being consistently triggered, out of control, and terrified. Having no answers and no one to even ask. Watching mental illness take over my world without the slightest clue of what was happening. And, oh, the perpetual torment of unpredictable physical breakdowns.
Everyday a new surprise. Every moment the opportunity for a shocking change in vitality. Every night a battle of my brain versus my chronic pains versus sleep.
And so it persisted, throughout 2013 and into several later years… despite the fact that I actually came up with an answer for myself that vastly improved a good part of the sickness struggle... but definitely didn’t fix it all.
Finding AN answer
I’m sure I’ve already mentioned this, too… but eventually I found some respite in my health struggles through no help from modern medicine. In fact, I helped myself thanks to familial clues when I decided to exclusion-diet my way into an answer. My grandpa had celiac’s disease long before it was trendy and I decided gluten was a logical place to start. And what do you know? That helped about 60% of my ailments.
So began years of obsessing over figuring out the gluten free life. Which, contrary to popular opinion, fucking sucks. I get that it became a trendy idea at exactly the wrong point in my life, but goddamnit, I hate the question, "Are you ACTUALLY gluten free, or is it by choice?" It is not a dietary walk in the park when essentially every item is contaminated with some form or another of secret sauce and your body is going to flip out at the slightest dusting.
I remember being so distraught over having these drastic dietary considerations to figure out on my own that I would spontaneously break down into tears in all sorts of places - the fridge, the grocery store, restaurants, social contexts when people kindly asked, “how about you choose where to eat this time.” I can’t choose! I can’t eat anything! I would privately bawl to myself. What a fun time that was.
But that was not nearly the end of it.
It turned out, yes, entirely cutting the glutens helped immensely. I also realized that sugar was not my friend. In fact, processed anything was not going to have a great outcome. But then… there was this other weird pattern that I started noticing in my life… sometimes I was pretty healthy and (relatively speaking) happy with the way things were going off-wheat. But sometimes I was just as sickly and digestively screwed when I definitely hadn’t consumed anything questionable. As if other tried and true components of my diet randomly became gluten analogs that upset me just as much.
Plus, there were some ailments that just never seemed to go away. The insomnia was a persistent problem that stretched back to being about 5 years old, but got more severe with time. The aches and pains in my neck and shoulders only worsened, no matter how many tennis balls I rolled on, yoga classes I attended, or muscle relaxers I popped. The exhaustion came and went with connections to my mental health and diet, but not directly related to bready food items. The brain fog didn’t clear up when I had a strictly regimented diet. The tension migraines never fully returned from where they came.
Plus, there were some ailments that just never seemed to go away. The insomnia was a persistent problem that stretched back to being about 5 years old, but got more severe with time. The aches and pains in my neck and shoulders only worsened, no matter how many tennis balls I rolled on, yoga classes I attended, or muscle relaxers I popped. The exhaustion came and went with connections to my mental health and diet, but not directly related to bready food items. The brain fog didn’t clear up when I had a strictly regimented diet. The tension migraines never fully returned from where they came.
I was still finding myself bedridden and ready to give up on the whole idea of living on a semi-regular basis. Sometimes it was every two weeks, sometimes once a month, sometimes a few months apart. But I never knew why, how long it would last, or how to control the system-wide failures.
And if you want to know how western medicine helped me with any of these continued challenges… it didn’t. I tried to get answers for years before I finally gave up. Every doctor turned me away. Every specialist was critically uninterested. Even the Mayo Clinic neglected to listen to what I said or utilize applicable resources, after I was so sure they could solve the medical mystery of my life.
So. I stopped trying at a certain point. I resolved myself to being health anxious and perpetually confused by myself. I realized that I would never know what any day was going to bring, because my discomforts and continued sicknesses seemed to come and go with the tides.
Eventually, after years of this bullshit, it got a bit better. I buckled down with - you guessed it - strict routines designed to circumvent some of the challenges.
Eventually, after years of this bullshit, it got a bit better. I buckled down with - you guessed it - strict routines designed to circumvent some of the challenges.
I realized that my diet needed to be incredibly tight, and by that, I mean “boring.” Beyond gluten, I cut out basically everything sugary, carby, and processed. I noticed that without a certain variety of physical exercise on a regimented basis, everything started slipping. I prioritized finding ways to get to sleep at night, even if it meant being rigid and assessed as “dramatic” by less slumber-impaired humans. I gave up any activities that caused neck and shoulder strain, and tried to be better about things like stretching. I also noticed that dealing with my emotions was a gateway to pain and discomfort relief, which was an uphill battle all it’s own. And, you know, eventually I learned about this Complex Trauma thing that explained a HUGE part of early to mid twenties, including a majority of the physical ailments.
But, although I began to live like an above-averagely healthy human again… I’ve still always had a few mysteries about my health.
Sure, over the course of many years I’ve figured out how to live with a semi-predictable body after long periods of never knowing what tomorrow would bring. But, unfortunately, there are still times when my system throws me a curveball. During those unanticipated spans of health failure, I’m left ruminating on a question or three that haven’t ever been answered consistently.
One of the most common inquiries is coming at you next.
Stress or sick?
So, even after all my life changes and careful modifications. All my sacrifices and seemingly over-the-top regimes. I’ve still had an ongoing health obsession that pops up from time to time when my shit starts to go downhill.
The incrementally-observed question that runs through my head on repeat… “Wait, am I communicably sick, or am I just fucking stressed out again?”
The incrementally-observed question that runs through my head on repeat… “Wait, am I communicably sick, or am I just fucking stressed out again?”
I realized a while back - maybe in my mid-late twenties - that holy hell, I sure felt like I was coming down with the flu more often than it was logical. The thing was, my symptoms only ever progressed to the point of feeling like I was still actively fighting off the sickness as it took hold. I would get the temperature dysregulation, the headache, the muscle pain, the foggy feeling, and oh boy, the exhaustion - that generally serve as your first signs of contagious trouble.
I would be too deliriously tired to get up and do anything. If I made myself go to work, it felt like wading through a dream. Half present, half falling asleep at my desk. My body felt like it weighed a thousand pounds. Even my head was too heavy for my neck to manage the task.
Beyond the energy void, I would genuinely start to experience pre-illness complaints, like swollen lymph nodes, congestion, and the aforementioned shivers and shakes. I would find myself incredibly hungry, as though my immune system was ramping up for a fight. I would get weak, like all my electrolytes were purged from my body. I would characterize the experience as feeling “generally under the weather” in preparation for something much larger slamming into town.
Beyond the energy void, I would genuinely start to experience pre-illness complaints, like swollen lymph nodes, congestion, and the aforementioned shivers and shakes. I would find myself incredibly hungry, as though my immune system was ramping up for a fight. I would get incredibly weak, like all my electrolytes were purged from my body. I would characterize the experience as feeling “generally under the weather” in preparation for something much larger slamming into town.
And I would respond in kind. I would retreat to bed, Nyquil and vitamin C showering over me on frequent intervals, gearing up for the systemic war of a lifetime. I would drift in and out of sleep for a day or two, fending off the weird muscle aches and sweat sessions that come with an emerging fever. Interestingly, many of my old food reactivities would rear up during this period. I would get my neti pot and vomit-bags ready for action.
And then… nothing else would happen. Assuming I chilled out and retreated to a state of forfeit when I actually treated myself with kindness and care, everything would work out. After 1-5 days of being back in my bedridden state, determined that significant contagious sickness was headed my way, it would seem to just disappear overnight. Or, clear up by about 70% overnight, to be more realistic.
It took several rounds of this pattern - I couldn’t tell you how many - before I finally realized… heyyo, my body shuts the fuck down when I’m stressed out. Every time I experienced one of these sudden falls from health, it followed (or ran in tandem with) a period of significant stress, anxiety, and/or depression. And if I let myself relax for a week, it would all be okay. If I tried to push through it because ObLiGaTiOnS, I was signing myself up for a prolonged and far more serious health failure. It happened too many times; I knew it wasn’t a coincidence. Like I had postulated earlier in my adulthood - my health seemed to be drastically affected by my mental state. Particularly, my interpretations of stress, obligations, and fears.
And I can tell you, my health anxiety quieted down for a while in the aftermath of the acceptance. Call it immersion therapy. When you’ve experienced the same event over and over again, but A never leads to B, and C-alming your shit makes condition A disappear  back into the ethers... well, eventually you take it for what it is and just stop panicking so much. I think I got tired of preoccupying myself with the whole dumpster fire at some point and preferred to extinguish the flames by letting them run their course.
This is where I’ve lived for the past many years now. Realizing that if I push myself too hard mentally or physically, or if I let too many stress signals infiltrate my brain… I’m about to get fucked up. My health will slip quickly. I will be reactive to essentially every food on this planet. My body will be puffy, inflamed, and painful. Not to mention, so goddamn tired all the time. But that’s it. It won’t last forever. I’m not going to die. Telling myself the opposite makes it all last a lot longer. Don’t pile stress about your stress-induced sickness onto your existing stress, and you'll be better soon.
This is where I’ve lived for the past many years now. Realizing that if I push myself too hard mentally or physically, or if I let too many stress signals infiltrate my brain… I’m about to get fucked up. My health will slip quickly. I will be reactive to essentially every food on this planet. My body will be puffy, inflamed, and painful. Not to mention, so goddamn tired all the time. But that’s it. It won’t last forever. I’m not going to die. Telling myself the opposite makes it all last a lot longer. Don’t pile stress about your stress-induced sickness onto your existing stress, and you'll be better soon.
And yet, when it’s happening, I also never know for a fact that my stress-based illness is definitely what’s going on. The result is getting trapped in a “will I or won’t I” obsessive spiral of anticipating the worst while reassuring myself that it might be nothing at all. There’s a lot of internal and external conversation about it, as people want to know if you’re sick and you want to be able to warn them that you feel like death… but also have to throw in the caveat, “Iunno, you have to realize that this happens to me all the time and it’s usually nothing, though.”
Of course, this creates the opportunity for my brain to 1) tell me I’m probably fine, quit complaining, pussy, and 2) compare myself to everyone else on the planet, who doesn’t crumble when their brain interprets times are hard. Because, of course, I have to make myself feel mentally ridiculous for feeling physically horrible. Other people are always happy to help in this regard, too. "You sure get sick a lot. I thought you had the flu last month. Wow, it always seems like something is wrong with you." Mhm, I feel the same on all accounts.
And, Fuckers, that’s why I stopped talking about it or looking for answers a long time ago. Instead, I've just relied on the most logical answer and quit worrying. I’ve done enough research on my own, not to mention all my Animal Science schooling, to know how stress responses work. They’re significant. They have the potential to disrupt your entire body through hormonal dysregulation. And they work differently - as far as we can tell - depending on the organism.
So that’s what I’ve leaned on. Acknowledgement that stress really screws with me. It zaps my energy. It fogs up my brain. It makes me overstimulated. It causes weird pains and immune system responses. It churns up my digestive problems. It also makes me feel like I’m starving but nauseous all at once. Over long periods of time, it can lead to infections. It, obviously, ruins my sleep, which reaaaaally doesn’t help with any of it.
So that’s what I’ve leaned on. Acknowledgement that stress really screws with me. It zaps my energy. It fogs up my brain. It makes me overstimulated. It causes weird pains and immune system responses. It churns up my digestive problems. It also makes me feel like I’m starving but nauseous all at once. Over long periods of time, it can lead to infections. It, obviously, ruins my sleep, which reaaaaally doesn’t help with any of it.
That’s that. Pretty complicated but simple. Try not to stress yourself out and god help you, if you do. Chill for a few days and you’ll be alright, probably. No one knows why it happens. Doctors don’t care. Just watch out for yourself, because no one else deals with this shit.
Unless… they totally do.
So, that’s fibromyalgia
I guess this is where I tell you something that a lot of folks have probably already figured out. Sorry if you’ve been yelling at me through your headphones this whole time - chill, I’m getting to it.
There definitely is a term for everything I’ve described. There are millions of other people who experience it. And, yeah, doctors often still don’t believe it’s real… but the numbers and anecdotal evidence don’t lie.
Ever heard of fibromyalgia?
Of course you have. But have you ever really looked into what it meant? Because… I hadn’t.
Annnnd then a listener and I were chatting on Instagram a few weeks ago. And she mentioned... everything I just mentioned. And her diagnosis had been? Fibromyalgia.
Annnnd then a listener and I were chatting on Instagram a few weeks ago. And she mentioned... everything I just mentioned. And her diagnosis had been? Fibromyalgia.
Via DM, your fellow Fucker started telling me about being tired all the time, mysterious aches and pains that worsen with stress, IBS symptoms, improper temperature regulation, and over-exertion that leads to required days of recovery. My jaw hit the floor.
You know I hopped online and started doing more research of my own. And all of the information was confirmed and expanded upon in a way that drove my mandible straight into the basement.
Hey, you know how fibromyalgia is synonymous with “widespread pain?” Oh shit, if you dig into it, there is a lot more to learn. Here’s a (maybe, complete?) list of the currently known associated symptoms. Keep in mind, I couldn’t find a single comprehensive resource for this information. This list is compiled of information from the the peer-reviewed article I'm going to read from later, the American College of Rheumatology, the CDC, Healthline, and Medical News Today. And if it sounds like a bit of a "catch all" pile, I think you're right.
Pain and stiffness all over the body
Fatigue and tiredness
Depression and anxiety
Sleep problems
Problems with thinking, memory, and concentration, known as “fibro-fog”
Headaches, including migraines
Tingling or numbness in hands and feet
Pain in the face or jaw
Digestive problems, such as abdominal pain, bloating, constipation, and irritable bowel syndrome
Tenderness to touch or pressure affecting muscles, sometimes joints or even the skin
Irritable or overactive bladder
Pelvic pain
Trouble focusing or paying attention
Pain or a dull ache in the lower belly
Dry eyes
Sleeping for long periods of time without feeling rested (nonrestorative sleep)
Acid reflux
Restless leg syndrome
Sensitivity to cold or heat
Problems with vision
Nausea
Weight gain
Dizziness
Cold or flu-like symptoms
Skin problems
Chest symptoms
Breathing problems
Insulin resistance
Wait, wait, wait. THAT’S what fibro is? Because, I’m sorry, I have literally never heard any of that detail before… and although it gets so ambiguous that I suspect these ailments are all the conditions that just haven't been explained before by medical science... this list just described my life. All the way down to the tiniest detail of dry eyes, as I now recall chronically dumping drops into mine for those same years in my 20s. What. The. Shit.
Prior to this research, my symptomatic knowledge of fibro was essentially - pain, of the unexplained and incurable variety. No one ever once has mentioned anything else about the condition to me, or allll the ways that it correlated with my years of health trauma. Not my peers, not my doctors, and not even my amazing, well-informed therapist.    
So, maybe I’m really late to the game here, but long story short, my mind was blown when I heard that there’s actually a term for this experience which I had forfeited to processing as a “unique way that my body individually destroys me” for all these years. I thought I was just uniquely uncomfortable all the time and stopped burdening others with my experiences.
So, maybe I’m really late to the game here, but long story short, my mind was blown when I heard that there’s actually a term for this experience which I had forfeited to processing as a “unique way that my body individually destroys me” for all these years. I thought I was just uniquely uncomfortable all the time and stopped burdening others with my experiences.
Maybe that’s why I never had anyone clue me in to the diagnosis - I honestly stopped talking about the cyclical sickness a while back, after recognizing that people didn’t respond favorably to the narrative, “I just get too stressed out to function.” Shutting my mouth and writing off my experiences may have halted my potential for hearing a realistic account of living with fibromyalgia. Oh, how the trauma shame shenanigans never stop royally fucking you.
Of course, based on my own recent education, now I’m wondering if fibromyalgia applies to far more of us in the trauma community. Because if I hadn’t found reliable information on it in all my trauma and inflammatory illness research over the years… how many other people are in the same boat?
And this brings me to my next point. I really hate the term fibromyalgia.
Why I hate the term
There’s actually another explanation for why I never heard about everything that fibromyalgia describes. Uh, you’re going to hate me for this, but I didn’t think it was a “real” diagnosis.
Yep. I’m telling you with moderate guilt that for the longest time, I appraised fibro in the same way that western medicine considers all psychosomatic illnesses - not valid. And I’m unhappy with myself, too. Believe me, I feel like my least favorite kind of person... a hypocrite. But this also points to the systemic issue that undermines so many of our attempts to get help, and that makes me far more unhappy.
Yep. I’m telling you with moderate guilt that for the longest time, I appraised fibro in the same way that western medicine considers all psychosomatic illnesses - not valid. And I’m unhappy with myself, too. Believe me, I feel like my least favorite kind of person... a hypocrite. But this also points to the systemic issue that undermines so many of our attempts to get help, and that makes me far more unhappy.
You see, a number of years ago, as a budding counselor with a few years of experience, my therapist friend mentioned something about fibro. Specifically, that it was a common label granted to more seriously mentally affected patients… and it wasn’t believed to be a real thing. I wish I could remember more detail on the context, but the basis of the story is, someone that I trusted - someone with many trauma patients - told me that in her experience, no one took fibromyalgia seriously. People with intense mental illnesses regularly presented with unfounded complaints of pain, and this is the term they were assigned as a result.
There was no proof of their physical discomfort. The patients tended to have myriad mental and physical health issues. They tended to be more difficult clients. Professionals had doubts about how serious the complaints were. No evidence, no respect. It was just about that simple.
To give more weight to the story, here’s one quick excerpt that is actually validating to read, from an article titled, The management of fibromyalgia from a psychosomatic perspective: an overview.
“People with FM often reported dismissive attitudes from others, such as disbelief, stigmatization, lack of acceptance by their relatives, friends, coworkers, and the healthcare system, that consider them as ‘lazy’ or ‘attention seeking’ people, with their symptoms ‘all in their head’. Such dismissiveness can have a substantial negative impact on patients, who are already distressed, and also on the degree of their pain.”
So… similar to the asshole social associates described above… for years after that, I paid no attention to fibromyalgia. When people brought it up, I nodded and moved on. I didn’t disbelieve that there would be a connection between mental illness and the onset of bodily pains after my own experiences, but the term had also been shuttled to a file in my head that sidled up next to, “seeking prescription pain meds.” This was an incorrect judgement based on incorrect, oversimplified information. But unfortunately, it left an impression.
So… similar to the assholes described above… for years after that, I paid no attention to fibromyalgia. When people brought it up, I nodded and moved on. I didn’t disbelieve that there would be a connection between mental illness and the onset of bodily pains after my own experiences, but the term had also been shuttled to a file in my head that sidled up next to, “seeking prescription pain meds.” This was an incorrect judgement based on incorrect, oversimplified information. But unfortunately, it left an impression.
It took the real life account of someone with the diagnosis to show me all the ways that my previous perception was completely incorrect. I suddenly realized how reductive and insulting the false information had been. Annnd all the ways that I could have really helped myself and a few others a lot sooner if I had just investigated the term on my own, rather than lazily falling back on someone else’s casually-expressed opinion.
So, I’m saying… fuck me. 100%. That makes me really upset with myself. But it makes me even more frustrated with the medical field.
And this is why I hate the term fibromyalgia.
It doesn’t actually explain a fucking thing… and it doesn’t seem like anyone is actually trying to.
At this point, there is no known cause for the development or persistence of the disorder. Fibromyalgia has essentially become more of a label for a grouping of symptoms that we “allow” people to assume when we don’t know what the hell might be wrong with them. I say “allow” very purposely, because it feels like our medical overlords have granted us this word as a way to pacify the uncomfortable masses - not treat them.
At this point, there is no known cause or organic mechanism for the development or persistence of the disorder. Fibromyalgia has essentially become more of a label for a grouping of symptoms that we “allow” people to assume when we don’t know what the hell might be wrong with them. I say “allow” very purposely, because it feels like our medical overlords have granted us this word as a way to pacify the uncomfortable masses - not treat them.
Millions of humans have detailed the same experiences, but science hasn’t yet come up with a way to explain them, so let’s go ahead and give them a new diagnosis that boils down to “Not sure what’s going on, but they say it’s unpleasant and it sounds a little something like widespread pain. Cool, let’s call it a day. Nah, we don’t need to educate the medical community or the public - we don’t need a single list of all the known comorbidities - because we don’t get it, ourselves. Let’s make sure we put that disclaimer right in the definition, so everyone knows it’s a controversial topic."
And implicit in saying that doctors and scientists don’t understand the term, comes a negative connotation of assumed delusion or attention-seeking complaints.
Essentially, what I’m bitching about is the tendency of researchers and practitioners to shuttle things they can’t directly measure to the back of the relevancy line. Despite all of the anecdotal evidence from fibro sufferers that corroborate the same causes, symptoms, and outcomes… we can’t see what they’re talking about and we don’t have an easy explanation, so we put this in the “fake news” stack of information - AKA psychosomatic illness.
Now, it’s also worth mentioning that fibromyalgia is deeply intertwined with trauma. Something like 2/3rds of fibro patients also have confirmed PTSD symptoms, if not higher. Exact numbers depend on which study you trust. Just know, it is a prevalent, accepted, correlation between trauma and the development of fibromyalgia. And of course, no one has determined the causative or affective relationship between the two at this point in time.
Hell, we all know that a lot of mental and physical health professionals don’t even want to acknowledge trauma at this point - or, do so with a smirk and an eyebrow raise, at best. So tethering the two poorly-comprehended disorders together? Oh boy, it’s a sure-fire way to ensure that no one listens to a word you say after honestly answering their background information questions. Might as well throw down your wallet and walk yourself right out of the office at that point.
Hell, we all know that a lot of mental and physical health professionals don’t even want to acknowledge trauma at this point - or, do so with a smirk and an eyebrow raise, at best. So tethering the two poorly-comprehended disorders together? Oh boy, it’s a sure-fire way to ensure that no one listens to a word you say after honestly answering their background information questions. Might as well throw down your wallet and walk yourself right out of the office at that point.
The medical field’s lack of trauma education is a big problem. Making “psychosomatic” a dirty word isn’t helping millions of folks out there. Being invalidated by the people who could possibly help you is another mental health crisis waiting to happen. And all of this is infuriating to me, following my own experiences and thinking about other people’s.
Should we take this one outrage step further? Sure.
You know that a vast majority of fibromyalgia sufferers are… women. Sorry, about to get a tad feminist. Is anyone here surprised that primarily female voices tend to be written off by medical professionals? Ha, ha, ha. No, probably not.
For all of human history, the ladies have been getting the shit end of the stick when it comes to medical care. We all know that women were given amazing explanations for their ailments, such as having “hysterics” or "the vapors" not so long ago.
Furthermore, there is research showing that doctors do not take women’s accounts of pain severity seriously, in particular. Even fellow female doctors and nurses are given different treatment by staff when they go to the ER, versus male counterparts. And if you’re a minority or socioeconomically challenged woman? The data says you might as well take two aspirin and see what happens the next morning, because the medical attention research is even worse for those demographics. Huge surprise.
So, pulling this all together: Considering that the majority of us who receive complex trauma diagnoses are women… considering that implicit in this label, comes the increased likelihood that we’re not economically well-to-do and belong to minority groups one way or another… how do you figure we’ve ever had a chance of receiving real help for our unmeasurable physical conditions?  
So, pulling this all together: Considering that the majority of us who receive complex trauma diagnoses are women… considering that implicit in this label, comes the increased likelihood that we’re not economically well-to-do and belong to minority groups… how do you figure we’ve ever had a chance of receiving real help for our unmeasurable physical conditions?  
Yeah, we haven’t.
We’ve been given a term - complete with a wink and a nudge - that no one wants to meaningfully research or prioritize understanding. We’ve received a new phrase that doctors will “generously grant us” when we’re drowning in unexplained symptoms and pain. We’re then labeled with a word that essentially amounts to “disregard and humor” for all our future appointments. On top of it all, we’re carrying the burden of traumatic histories, which immediately qualify us for misunderstood diagnoses that more or less equate “ghosts in their blood” - because, hell, we can’t quantify mental illness, either.
The whole ordeal makes me really upset. The fact that I was inadvertently pulled into this biased disbelief makes me more upset. It also serves as quite a demonstration of how powerful or deleterious knowledge can be after it worms its way into your head involuntarily and becomes your only “go-to” piece of data, true or false.
One seemingly-trustworthy person mentioning a negative opinion of fibromyalgia one time in my past somehow infiltrated my thoughts to the extent that I didn’t have a second thought for 5 years? And we're talking about a goddamn trauma researcher - with, what I consider - an otherwise open and connection-happy mind?
The power of assumed authority and truth in opinion is significant. If I can be swayed in this way, how could less mental health informed medical professionals stand a chance in responding differently? That’s frightening and clarifying… though immensely upsetting.
So, since biomedicine hasn’t bothered to find any great information for us, despite the rapidly increasing rate of fibromyalgia diagnoses in the past two decades - how can we make sense of the information to actually help ourselves?
Let’s talk about that next.
What we can conclude
So it kindof blows finding out that you probably qualify for a new medical term… only to find out that we don’t actually know anything about said term. I say this, because if you’re waiting for me to pop off with some sweet research on fibromyalgia… uh… I haven’t found it yet. But not for lack of trying. So far every article I’ve seen has been pretty basic and uninspired.
Does fibromyalgia correspond with trauma? It does. Does stress mediate and moderate fibromyalgia, PTSD symptoms, GI problems, and depression? It does. Does it take a long time and numerous appointments to receive medical help for fibromyalgia complaints? It does. Does the comorbidity of post-traumatic symptoms make fibro more uncomfortable and challenging to overcome? What do you know - it fucking does.
(Wow. So enlightening. Having two debilitating disorders is less fun than having one. Who’s funding these research studies, anyways?)
The first thing I can conclude is, there’s not that much to conclude. This is to say, no one - that I’ve seen, so far - has revealed anything super shocking or thought-provoking about fibromyalgia.
The first thing I can conclude is, there’s not that much to conclude. This is to say, no one - that I’ve seen, so far - has revealed anything super shocking or thought-provoking about fibromyalgia.
Really, the  most interesting things I learned from my reading are that
1) insulin resistance is another associated disorder, which explains even more of my baffling life
2) sex hormones are leached from your system under stress, which, refer to point number one... explains another huge chunk of my existence, and
3) the recommendations for treating fibro long term are the same recommendations I’ve given for getting your trauma life re-ordered.
You know how I always push for people to find out what’s manageable on their own through trial and error, rather than approaching trauma recovery with preventable fires burning in every area? Hey - someone agrees.
Namely, it's recommended that in order to manage fibromyalgia you establish routines including strictly nutrition-based eating habits, non-threatening forms of consistent exercising, prioritizing tons of sleep, and controlling your environment as much as possible for stressful stimuli. Doctors can also supplement your rehab with antidepressants, because, again, fibromyalgia is related to the same underlying hormonal imbalances as depression - but the larger health issues are managed best by changing your behaviors. Just like I’ve said.
I suppose this is no surprise, since this entire time I’ve unknowingly been talking, in large part, about how I’ve controlled my own fibromyalgia symptoms. I just thought it was mandatory trauma pains I was dampening. But the word is out! There's a separate phrase for it. The doctors and I agree; stop treating yourself like a turd, and maybe you’ll stop feeling like one. Whatdoyouknow. Sometimes there are reasons for the things I notice experientially, even if they aren’t originally informed by medical lingo.
Secondly, looking at what we can conclude at this point about fibro… Well, it justifies my previous hypothesis that stress is the root of my body’s evil. There’s not much to definitively say about fibromyalgia at this point, but we know for a fact that it is agitated and potentially caused by stress.
Secondly, looking at what we can conclude at this point about fibro… Well, it justifies my previous hypothesis that stress is the root of my body’s evil. There’s not much to definitively say about fibromyalgia at this point, but we know for a fact that it is agitated and potentially caused by stress.
This perfectly aligns with my observations that a terrible work week mixed with a personally challenging month on top of a physically exhausting cleaning marathon will lead to a systemic breakdown every time. And, conversely, those times when life has actually been pretty chill correspond to periods of bodily health and limited upset - the times when I wonder “was I ever really sick at all?” and start to health gaslight my damn self.
Realizing the link between stress and sickness, of course, also begins to explain the correlation to trauma, and particularly, complex trauma.
Now, let me start by saying that there’s some debate over the downstream effects of PTSD - some researchers swear that it decreases system arousal in the face of later stress, others have collected data reflecting that a nervous system hyper-sensitization takes place. From my own trauma involvement, I’ve seen and heard more cases of the latter; we’re quick to upset and easily pushed into stressed territory. I don’t know many, if any, trauma folks who are non-responsive to disturbing life events... but that sounds more like a deep, dangerous, clinical depression symptom to me.
Personally, once I’ve been chronically stressed for a few weeks or months, then I notice the loss of stress response take over. My limbic system gives up, the HPA axis stops responding, and therefore nothing can rattle me. Perhaps you’ve also had the experience of laughing when your car breaks down, because it’s already been 3 months of disaster around every turn and there’s nothing else you can do for yourself. So, sure, people can reach a point where they legitimately don’t respond to the chaos anymore, but I’m not so sure that’s a consistent norm. I think it’s more likely that you turn off your stress reactions if you’ve been adequately prepped to dissociate for the sake of sanity or your chemical balance is so wack that your danger center has powered down.
I can tell you without a doubt that before the point when my stress threshold has been raised sky-high thanks to repeat exposures and wiring disconnections... I’m a rapid-responder when anxiety comes calling. Stimulus - rapid survival reaction - no space in between being startled and shaking from head to toe. And this is the case for basically every Motherfucker I know. I’m no expert, but I think we tend to fall more into the hypervigilant camp surrounding this podcast, rather than the laxadonical one. Always on the lookout, always ready, often bowled over by our own responses.
I’m a rapid-responder when anxiety comes calling. Stimulus - rapid survival reaction - no space in between being startled and shaking from head to toe. And this is the case for every Motherfucker I know. I’m no expert, but I think we tend to fall more into the hypervigilant camp surrounding this podcast, rather than the laxadonical one. Always on the lookout, always ready, often bowled over by our own responses
This nervous system sensitization, as they call it, explains a lot of trauma symptoms. I’ve regularly discussed the hypersensitivity problem it creates, when your brain doesn’t adequately filter out or assess neutral stimuli because it considers basically everything to be a threat. This can also contribute to the ADD and ADHD diagnoses that we receive, when our heads are too busy trying to sort all that data streaming in to direct our thoughts in a steady way. Or, the ways that we’re uniquely thrown immediately into panic mode when we sense a risk. Plus, we’ve probably all had the experience of tiny, secret triggers sneakily upsetting our bodies when the stimulation wasn’t even significant enough to pass through our cognitive recognition centers. These are all caused by the same systemic over-sensitization problem.
In general: yes, we trauma folk are sensitive to our environments - inner and outer. We are easily pushed down survival pathways to fight/flight/freeze/fawn responses. We rapidly catastrophize ambiguous information, which can convince our brains and bodies that the worst has already happened. We’re hyperaware and easily overstimulated, often agitated, and regularly on edge.
I maintain, in the face of controversial evidence, that we get stressed out easily. And our bodies react dramatically.
I feel like I should also state that this is especially true, as most of us have read, when we have unresolved emotional strain floating around in our meat jackets. We can be overstimulated and aroused (in a bad way) from the inside, out. Since the majority of us are not skilled in emotional recognition or resolution, we’re often walking around with a lifetime of hard feelings stored in our guts. And there’s been roughly zero doubt in my head about emotional and environmental stress contributing to dissociation, contributing to a vagal nerve shutdown as a big part of the digestive failure that characterizes fibromyalgia, IBS, Crohns, and so many autoimmune disorders.
On top of the unresolved emotional root of stress, this pings another episode that I've previously released. The one about being overly restrictive in your diet and exercise for the sake of appearance perfectionism. If you physically exert yourself too strongly through caloric deprivation or extreme work outs, you can easily stress your body into a survival response. It can't tell the difference between starvation for bikini season and starvation for lack of food. Running your ass off for your upcoming wedding or running your ass off for your upcoming bear attack. Your danger sensing center is sensitive and it overreacts, much like myself.
Now, considering that all these examples of central nervous system sensitization and physiological survival states that go hand in hand with Complex Trauma and Fibromyalgia, so many weird health mysteries are potentially resolved. But, not exactly the pain component. Or, is it.
Now, considering that all these examples of central nervous system sensitization and physiological survival states that go hand in hand with Complex Trauma and Fibromyalgia, so many weird health mysteries are potentially resolved. But, not exactly the pain component. Or, is it.  
Again, the authors out of Italy and Brazil who penned, The management of fibromyalgia from a psychosomatic perspective: an overview, have a potential way to think about that. They state:
“Even if the causes and pathophysiology of FM are not completely known, widespread chronic pain could be explained by a vulnerability due to a perturbation in the central processing of sensory information, named ‘central sensitivity’ or ‘central sensitization’, that amplifies the response of the central nervous system to a peripheral input. Hence, people with FM and/or other central sensitivity syndromes have a lower threshold for interpreting sensory information as noxious. Several factors, such as genetic predisposition, deficiencies in neurotransmitter levels, biochemical changes in the body, endocrine dysfunction, mood states, anxiety, sociocultural environment, psychological trauma and past experiences in general, expectancy beliefs, and catastrophization have been proposed as explanatory mechanisms of patients’ subjective experience of central sensitivity. Current research indicates that abnormal sensory and pain processing is a key factor in the pathophysiology of FM. There is robust evidence that  abnormalities in central pain processing, rather than damage or inflammation of peripheral structures, play an important role in the development and maintenance of chronic pain in patients with FM.”
Interesting, huh? I still think inflammatory responses are a big part of the 1000 piece stress puzzle, but I don’t disagree with the idea that our finely-tuned danger detection systems amplify pain and discomfort signals to deafening levels. Putting all the system data together, you can deduce a fairly complete picture of how strain, physical degradation, and pain are all related.
Finally, I have confirmation that being overly stimulated causes everything from my energy drain to my dietary responses, migraines, and autoimmune attacks... all the way down to my temperature sensitivity, random presentation of allergic reactions, and even that occasional sharp pain in my jaw… not to mention all my life-altering functional problems, like being unable to sleep at night, existing with debilitating pain, and living while feeling sedated?
Finally, I have confirmation that being overly stimulated causes everything from my energy drain to my dietary responses, migraines, and autoimmune attacks... all the way down to my temperature sensitivity, random presentation of allergic reactions, and even that occasional sharp pain in my jaw… not to mention all my life-altering functional problems, like being unable to sleep at night, existing with debilitating pain, and living while feeling sedated?
All of my strange health complaints from the past decade have aligned with this new label. And that label corresponds perfectly with my inkling that running on cortisol and overzealous guardsmen have been the major source of my health anxiety sauce. Welp, it’s been validating research for all of my educated guesses, to say the least.
Long story short, there’s not a ton of helpful information about the reasons for developing fibromyalgia or what makes it get worse. But there’s one thing we do know for a fact; stress is the enemy. At least I think it’s comforting to conclude that stress is the root of many of our C-PTSD complaints, as well as depression, anxiety, insomnia, obsessive thoughts, and now… a whole list of common maladies, labeled fibromyalgia.
Whether or not it’s really understood, at least there is a connection between everything. At least there’s something that ties ALL the random, disjointed pieces of torture together. I’m guessing that for many of us, fibromyalgia is similar to complex trauma, again, in that regard.
And, lastly, I can conclude that… I have more questions
More questions than answers
Here’s one last excerpt from the aforementioned article, which is the only one I found that’s worth hearing from.
They state: “FM is labelled, often with a negative connotation, as a ‘functional somatic syndrome’, part of a ‘somatization disorder’, ‘fashionable diagnosis’, ‘idiopathic pain disorder’, ‘non-disease’, ‘psychosomatic syndrome’, dismissing the true suffering of the patients. In the absence of a univocal identified biological cause, subjective reports of symptoms by the patients are often viewed derogatorily and discredited as ‘psychogenic.’”
Like I said, there isn’t a lot of helpful information out there if you’re looking to learn more about this controversial condition. Unfortunately, it has been categorized as a “functional somatic disorder” which essentially means that we don’t have an explanation for the organic basis of the disorder.
Like I said, there isn’t a lot of helpful information out there if you’re looking to learn more about this controversial condition. Unfortunately, it has been categorized as a “functional somatic disorder” which essentially means that we don’t have an explanation for the organic basis of the disorder.
Uh, I don’t know what could be more organic than the endogenous hormones in our own bodies creating downstream health effects, but hey, I’m not a biologist anymore, what do I know?
The fact remains - there’s a lot more to understand about the assorted mechanisms that lead from trauma into depression, generalized stress disorder, and physical manifestations of a biochemical system that’s running off-balance. And this is where I have the biggest questions.
First, I have to get this out of the way. I’m wondering about the known gender split in fibro. The numbers are horrendously skewed towards women as the primary sufferers, and that’s not helping the medical legitimacy case. So, what are the chances that men just don’t have fibromyalgia at the same rate as women? Either they don’t get stressed to the same magnitude or their bodies respond completely differently? It’s possible. OR. Is it something else?
It seems to me like this follows another similar mystery - what are the chances that men just don’t suffer from Complex Trauma at the same rate as women? Pretty poor? Probably more of a diagnostic or seeking-help issue? Yeah, I think so, too. Yet, if you look strictly at the numbers, it sure seems like there are more women hearing about C-PTSD than men.
This analogous labeling issue between the genders makes me think of a few explanations…
1) Men don’t seek help for their physical ailments the way that women do, either because they’re less in tune with their bodies or because they’re shamed for not being tough enough if they complain. Just like C-PTSD.
2) Men don’t hear about fibromyalgia, because it is an engendered diagnosis reserved for dramatic women at this point. Just like C-PTSD. They receive other partial diagnoses, like IBS, that are less controversial. This leads me into a whole spiraling rant about several genital-dependent psychological diagnoses that I feel similarly about, but one of them is…
3) Men don’t receive the same level of fibromyalgia labels as women because men don’t often receive Complex-PTSD labels, which would serve as a hint to their doctors, since trauma is a well-known predisposing factor…
This brings me to the next set of questions.
It’s unpopular opinion time, but, frankly, I don’t know that any of these trauma and fibro issues are really that separate.
It seems to me like we’re talking a lot about one particular problem that splinters off into a thousand different outcomes, depending on the circumstances, the biology, and the human in question. Not separate conditions.
It seems to me like we’re talking a lot about one particular problem that splinters off into a thousand different outcomes, depending on the circumstances, the biology, and the human in question. Not separate conditions.
First comes the trauma, then comes the presentation of downstream physical and mental symptoms. Presentation, magnitude, and personal recognition of these symptoms varies, just like severity of Complex Trauma does. But under both conditions, our experiences are often so similar - the hard part is that we struggle to describe them and often lean on abstract language which can be used in such diverse ways. We focus on different problems, depending on our own life impacts.
So, maybe we notice and report internal events differently, but it’s hard for me to believe that the two disorders aren’t more than corresponding diagnoses - and are, in fact, one and the same.
I could be very wrong, but I’d sure like to find out.
So, to the small percentage of fibromyalgia sufferers who don’t have trauma… you sure? To the depressed and anxious folks who can’t seem to get a grip on their physical health, but never saw their life as traumatic… want to take another look? To all the traumatized folks with Raynauds, food allergies, hypertension, ADD, aches, and migraines… have you really looked into the full definition of fibromyalgia?
ARE these conditions of trauma and fibromyalgia different? Or is this another complication in identifying unseeable symptoms in a population of folks who never learned to name their mental and physical experiences? Is this an artifact from a group who tends to underestimate and under-report their own experiences in light of unhealthy others’ core beliefs? How prevalent is fibromyalgia, really? Especially in the context of Trauma?
ARE these conditions of trauma and fibromyalgia different? Or is this another complication in identifying unseeable symptoms in a population of folks who never learned to name their mental and physical experiences? Is this an artifact from a group who tends to underestimate and under-report their own experiences in light of unhealthy others’ core beliefs? How prevalent is fibromyalgia, really? Especially in the context of Trauma?
Is it possible that everything boils down to one underlying event - trauma - that produces a whole host of other biological adaptations down the line? Did we create a separate term for it, simply based on a lack of standardization?
Or is this an exclusionary problem?
Have all the various ways we’ve learned to categorize and describe our experiences actually separated one full disorder into two half-disorders; one that encompasses the brain and another that covers the body? Is it our societal misunderstanding of the connection between our perceptions and our meaty husks, forcing us to separate the issues of mental and physical health that would be better understood together, as one?
I’m not sure! But I’m definitely thinking a lot about it.
Partially, from personal bias. I always considered my physical issues to be part of my trauma life, not separate from it - and that explanation made perfect sense to me. Where do these disorders really split? Maybe it’s possible to have Complex PTSD without the physical symptoms, but that's really not what I hear from people. The most of us have at least some periods of physical ailments, even if they're not persistent. To me, it seems like a distinction that should be made within the trauma diagnosis - with or without physical wellness degradation - rather than piling a separate, largely-ineffective diagnosis on the vast majority of us who have some variety of said bodily ailments.
I feel like the real issue isn’t “what is fibromyalgia?” The actual problem is a lack of biological understanding in the Psychology field. And a mirrored failure to understand Psychology in the medical field. Then, throw in a reluctance to study the conglomerate of bio-physiology and mental health issues in the scientific research literature because both experiences are difficult to measure or confirm and the studies would be less elegant.
I feel like the real issue isn’t “what is fibromyalgia?” The actual problem is a lack of biological understanding in the Psychology field. And a mirrored failure to understand Psychology in the medical field. Then, throw in a reluctance to study the conglomerate of bio-physiology and mental health issues in the scientific research literature because both experiences are difficult to measure or confirm and the studies would be less elegant.
If more psychologists actually learned system biology and more medical practitioners actually studied abnormal psychology, maybe we wouldn’t have disparate diagnoses that each come with a half-recognition. Maybe we could have one term that encompassed the full experience of trauma. Maybe these professionals could confirm all the details that we don’t understand by working with a more comprehensive approach to how humans work as a whole, rather than organ by organ. Just a fucking thought.  
Because, I can tell you, if my therapist friend had the same biological education that I did at the time, I guarantee that she wouldn’t have told me fibromyalgia was a “pseudo diagnosis.” If she had knowledge of the connection between stress hormones and bodily breakdown, plus the trauma physiology that determines our sensitivity to stress - there’s no way she would have been so flippant or insensitive with her words. But under the influence of her counseling peers, the diagnosis became a fallacy.
I think this highlights the danger of the problem at hand. It only took one industry-determined void of knowledge to pass along an unfair opinion that skewed at least my perception for years down the line. And, think about it, how many times has one innocently-baseless comment in the psychology or medical fields probably created a lifetime of bias in an up-and-coming professional?
Maybe this is why we have the self-perpetuating negative connotation of psychosomatic illness in our society that seems to crawl its way towards improvement, while every other disorder makes significant strides. A lack of personal understanding of the biology-psychology connection is easily turned into a respected opinion, and readily transmitted to unknowing people who are eager to learn from their wise mentors. And so, the next generation inherits the same set of half-baked progress-stunting ideas. Over and over and over.
Maybe this is why we have the self-perpetuating negative connotation of psychosomatic illness in our society that seems to crawl its way towards improvement, while every other disorder makes significant strides. A lack of personal understanding of the biology-psychology connection is easily turned into a respected opinion, and readily transmitted to unknowing people who are eager to learn from their wise mentors. And so, the next generation inherits the same set of half-baked progress-stunting ideas. Over and over and over.
Depressing! And enlightening.
And that’s roughly where I stand today, after days of fibromyalgia research and very few satisfactory answers. Depressed and enlightened.
More or less, asking myself more questions about the legitimacy of our entire mental and physical healthcare system and all the lines we draw in the sand. Confident that trauma leads to increased stress leads to increased brain and body trauma. Somewhat happy to know that I’m actually not the only one who consistently apologizes for feeling like shit and questions if it’s “valid” or not because it seems connected to my brain. But also, pretty pissed off that we’ve been given a word that comes with no explanations and a hellofalot of medical field judgement, as if we needed more of that.
Oh, one more factoid to throw into the end of this conversation. There’s a link between low socioeconomic status and fibromyalgia.
Oh, one more factoid to throw into the end of this conversation. There’s a link between low socioeconomic status and fibromyalgia.
Hey, the same link exists between socioeconomic status and complex trauma. Hey, it’s another predisposing factor for post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms’ emergence. Hey, big surprise, if you have a stable and predictable physical and financial environment, you’re less likely to develop the terror-based conditions brought on by earlier trauma.
If you have financial resources, you’re also less likely to be chronically stressed by the demands of life. You’re probably also more likely to receive respectable medical care. Therefore, meaning that you’re both less likely to have enough perturbation to develop over-sensitive nervous system responses and less likely to be dismissed by doctors with a label they don’t believe exists. Plus, probably more likely to have access to mental health care that could prevent the onset of Complex Trauma presentation, and likely fibromyalgia, altogether.
Oh, look, logic explains so many things. Or, fuckit, let’s just choose to believe that poor people are lazy and always want to complain about something, whether it’s in their heads or their bodies. Whatever the rich white men say.
Big issues to think about.
Like I state way too often on this show, it’s the small things in this trauma life that bring you comfort. And monumental societal failures that make you scream. (Okay, I just added that last part today.)
Wrap it
Okay, let me get out of here before I question more beliefs that are way out of my paygrade. Sorry, medical and psychological practitioners. I know that I’m just a critical observer who, like that kid everyone hates in class, perpetually asks too many questions.
At the bottom of all my complaints, I just wish that we could come up with a way to characterize these disorders that actually helped people understand what was happening. If you know how your body is reacting to what stimuli and how the symptoms are all related, that's a lot more powerful than throwing assorted barely-defined titles at them.
If we can't definitively say that fibromyalgia and trauma symptoms are one and the same, fine. Let there be a distinction. But I think it would be preferable to call fibro something more telling and true to the accepted cause. Call it semantics, but something like Stress Affective Syndrome would be more useful than the made-up word of fibromyalgia. Please, anyone feel free to come up with a better phrase, because I just made "Stress Affective Syndrome" up so I could say "I've got SAS." It already fits the bill.
I guess I’m just up in arms that I’ve tried to find answers for my brain and body health all these years, and turned up completely empty handed until random connections have eventually given me the information I’ve needed after a decade of effort. Maybe if I had my complex trauma diagnosis before I had my health complaints, someone would have mentioned fibromyalgia. Maybe, they would have knowingly smirked and sent me to a psychiatrist. Hard to say.
I guess I’m just up in arms that I’ve tried to find answers for my brain and body health all these years, and turned up completely empty handed until random connections have eventually given me the information I’ve needed after a decade of effort. Maybe if I had my complex trauma diagnosis before I had my health complaints, someone would have mentioned fibromyalgia. Maybe, they would have knowingly smirked and sent me to a psychiatrist. Hard to say.
Even if I had gotten that information about fibro, would it have helped separate from the C-PTSD diagnosis? Honestly, probably not. I would have just been harder on myself for suddenly being too weak in the face of stress. And after reading that medical professionals doubt the validity of fibromyalgia, in the first place? Well that would have been a whole other source of disbelief, anger, and negative self-regard. Maybe a whole new crisis, once my inner critic got a chance to hammer away at my head.
I suppose that figuring out the patterns of my strange bodily conditions actually needed to happen organically for this Fucker, because any semi-questioned diagnosis would have just been more fuel for my trauma fire at that point when I so thoroughly despised myself. Confirming to myself, for a fact, that stress fucks me up may have been a prerequisite for accepting that I might be “one of those fibro people.” You know, the ones who lie about their symptoms. Ha.
And, again, this says a lot about the potential damage that poorly-described labels can do to people… just as much as it says about my own reluctance to be considered a weak-minded over-reactor by outsiders.
All of this being said, I’m so grateful for finally finding out exactly what all fibromyalgia actually entails. It took too long, but honestly, the information came at the perfect time. Two days after I got it, I was stress-sick. Ahhh, it's fibro time. How’s that for irony?
As always, I do think there is some empowerment in the basic root understanding that you aren’t the only one who’s dealt with any of this. The mysterious illnesses, the pain, or the lack of care from modern medicine aren’t individual experiences. Hey, you might even be relieved to know that someone else on this planet routinely asks herself, “Do I have cancer for real this time, or am I just overworked again?”
As always, I do think there is some empowerment in the basic root understanding that you aren’t the only one who’s dealt with any of this. The mysterious illnesses, the pain, or the lack of care from modern medicine aren’t individual experiences. Hey, you might even be relieved to know that someone else on this planet routinely asks herself, “Do I have cancer for real this time, or am I just overworked again?”
After years of nobody I spoke to having a tale that even mildly resembled my autoimmune breakdown, finding anybody who related to my issues was extremely relieving. Not only was it a common experience, but it meant that I hadn’t somehow brought the discomfort on myself - through mental illness, physical shenanigans, or plain old weakness - the ways that I feared.
Furthermore, it proved that I hadn’t imagined it all. Because believe it or not, you’re surprisingly willing to throw yourself under the bus after all the pain has passed. I’ve spent the past decade telling people, “I think I have the glutens, as I call it... but I don’t really know though, it’s never been explained, sometimes other things bother me, and sometimes it’s really not a big deal, I don't know what it is” as an almost-apology. A disclaimer that I, too, doubt my own memories and conclusions because they weren’t properly validated by who I considered authority figures.
Hearing that other people had digestive disorders and autoimmune disasters in the wake of Complex Trauma, via the book The Body Keeps The Score, shocked me into self-acceptance of my prior experiences. Hearing that all of it can be encapsulated by this term fibromyalgia a few days ago - well, shit. This is a more mainstream occurrence than I ever previously thought.
And you know what? It does matter to me that I’m not the only one who falls apart when my brain gets overwhelmed. Even if it doesn’t fix anything. Even if my own postulations for how fibromyalgia is born from trauma feel more applicable than the scientifically proven ones. Even if I don’t believe the term deserves to stand alone as a medical label without further delineation - especially of the connection to and overlap with trauma. Even if I think… it might be inseparable.
And you know what? It does matter to me that I’m not the only one who falls apart when my brain gets overwhelmed. Even if it doesn’t fix anything. Even if my own postulations for how fibromyalgia is born from trauma are more enlightening than the scientifically proven ones. Even if I don’t believe the term deserves to stand alone as a medical label without further delineation - especially of the connection to and overlap with trauma. Even if I think… it might be inseparable.
Now I know. When I feel a physical breakdown coming on, with the suspected cause being stress… I don’t have to apologize for it. I don’t need to tell people that I just can’t handle the pressure with unfettered shame for my own biochemistry. I can rest assured that what I’m going through is common - far more common than we know - and completely valid. Even if there are people ready to tell you that it's not.
But, to be honest, I still probably won’t tell anyone that it’s called fibromyalgia. I’m not proud to say, I wouldn’t want them to think I’m just being dramatic.
UGH.
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