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shelbyssins · 1 year

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HI 💕 I loved Home so much and I was wondering if I could request something?? I had this idea of Tommy x Reader where reader was like a one that got away situation with pre-war Tommy and she married someone else but her husband dies during the war but Tommy didn’t ever know that he just thought she was married.. so time passes and they meet again then you can choose the ending!! Happy or sad you can choose, I hope this makes sense English is not my first language lol!! And if this doesn’t inspire you that’s okay too but know I love your work and am excited to see what you write next!!!💕😇😇

Seasons Change, People Don't ~ Tommy Shelby x Reader

Warnings: Language, a sprinkling of angst

Word Count: 6,880

A/N: So this past week or so has just been insanely busy for me and I was struggling to find time to finish this request but here it finally is! I wanted to make this a little more light hearted than my previous request and the idea of Tommy and reader's relationship changing through the seasons really stuck with me so I hope you enjoy! I will be posting some shorter form one shots this week with some different characters so watch out for those! As always, if you read this, let me know what you think! - Rosie x

June 1912

“Tommy!” Y/n shrieked as she bounded over to her friend in the stables. The summer sun was breaking through the thin cover of cloud that drifted over the fields today. Y/n watched as Tommy’s eyes met hers, a soft smile playing on his lips when he recognised her. Y/n pressed a kiss to Tommy’s cheek, smacking her lips louder than she needed to because she knew it wound him up. He made an exaggerated show of wiping the spot she’d kissed and Y/n punched him lightly in response, he laughed gently, feigning hurt as he rubbed his arm.

Tommy was reverently brushing his mare, a bay horse who’s coat gleamed like copper coins under his attention. Tommy was a quiet man, never really as raucous as his brothers could be, but he laughed a lot, those soft little chuckles that never failed to make Y/n blush whenever she pulled one out of him. Tommy was a middle child, but Y/n knew he acted every bit the eldest. Having been blessed with intelligence, his head would soon be burdened with the crown of the Shelby family. Though he did laugh a lot, Y/n could often see the strain he felt as the head of the family, so it was nice to see him relaxed and in his own world.

He was twenty two now, about a head taller than Y/n and she found him so frustratingly handsome. She watched as his solid muscles shifted beneath his crisp shirt with every movement over his mare’s back, all broad shoulders and quiet strength, it was no wonder he had every girl in Small Heath falling over themselves for the chance to go out with him, though he never seemed to care much. Despite the obvious physical attraction, Y/n’s favourite part of him was his bright blue eyes, shining like sapphires in the sun, like stormy seas in the shade. Y/n would like to pretend that she was better than all the other girls, far above so obviously throwing herself at Tommy; but it was hard to push down the magnificently huge crush she had on him when he gazed at her with those pools of blue.

Y/n had known Tommy ever since she could remember, her mother was best friends with his Aunt, Polly Gray, they were practically sisters, and as her father had abandoned them before she was even born, the Shelby family pitched in to help wherever needed. Then, when Y/n was twelve years old, her mother passed and she’d lived with Polly ever since. She knew full well that Tommy only ever deemed her like a sister, but that didn’t stop her dreaming that he’d one day notice her affections.

It didn’t help that Tommy always treated her like a child as well, chiding her when he’d seen her smoking for the first time, always referring to her and her friends as ‘the kids’. Y/n had hoped that now she was eighteen, Tommy might see her in a different light, might start treating her like an adult, but if anything he was even more overprotective.

Just recently he’d refused to let her sit with him and his older brother, Arthur, in the Garrison, telling her, “It’s not proper for young ladies to listen to conversation like ours, you don’t want to be around us when we’re drinking anyway,”. It was kind of humiliating, especially when Arthur had laughed that booming laugh right in her face, so she gave up that night and trailed home, feeling every bit the little girl Tommy thought she was.

“You know, Mark’s been hanging around me a lot recently,” Y/n began, hoping that Tommy might get jealous if she talked about another guy, “Ada says she thinks he likes me,”

Y/n got nothing more than a non committal grunt from Tommy, though his hands had stilled their work over his mare’s mane.

“She thinks he’s going to ask me to go to the Garrison’s jazz night this weekend. As his date,” She added the clarification at the end, searching Tommy’s face for absolutely any reaction.

Tommy obviously wasn’t going to bite, so Y/n decided to try a more direct approach, “You know, if you asked me to go with you instead of him, I’d say yes,”

For all the intelligence he apparently possessed, Tommy just looked at Y/n blankly, a puzzled eyebrow raised as he went back to grooming his horse.

“You know I don’t like jazz, Y/n,” Was all he said on the matter, and Y/n wondered if he really was that bad at picking up her hints or if he was ignoring her attempts at flirtation on purpose.

Y/n was beyond frustrated at the fact that Tommy just didn’t understand what she was trying to say, she had hoped distantly that maybe she had a head start on all the other girls who liked Tommy too; she knew him far better than they did after all. But maybe it was because they’d grown up together that Tommy couldn’t see her as a potential girlfriend, maybe she’d always be just a kid in his eyes. Maybe he had some misguided idea that he was protecting her feelings by pretending to be confused, because perhaps in reality he just wanted to reject her.

“Well maybe I’ll just say yes to Mark then,” Y/n snapped, all together fed up with trying to get her meaning across. She looked away from Tommy then, afraid that if he caught her eye that she’d start blushing.

Tommy didn’t look up at her statement, just scratched at his horse’s ear as he said a bored, “Ok,”

Y/n huffed, storming away in a barely contained stomping tantrum that would rival any fit Finn could throw. She felt utterly defeated as she walked away from Tommy, thoroughly embarrassed that she was a tiny bit jealous of a horse.

March 1913

The sun was warm today, the first hints of spring blooming to bask in its light. The grass, damp with morning dew, caressed Y/n’s bare legs just below her skirt as she walked through the meadow in search of Tommy. Y/n knew he would be out here somewhere, desperate to get the family’s horses out in the fields for some exercise after the previous week’s relentless storms had kept them locked in the stables.

As she climbed her way over a short hill, Y/n’s eyes finally set on Tommy, who was standing under the shade of a tree, smoke from his cigarette billowing out of his mouth. Y/n ambled over, the closer she got she took in more of his appearance. He was dressed only in an undershirt tucked into his trousers, his suspenders hung loose by his legs. Tommy’s hair, not gelled down for once, flopped over by his ears. Y/n swallowed thickly as she remembered that she had a boyfriend waiting for her at home.

“Hi, Tommy,” She said softly, not wanting to startle him out of whatever daydream he seemed to be in.

“Y/n,” He replied simply, blowing some smoke in her face by way of greeting.

Y/n rolled her eyes as she waved the cloud of smoke away, faking a cough as she did.

“You got another one of those for me?” She asked with a gesture towards his cigarette, putting on the sweet voice she always used when she wanted something from Tommy.

He wordlessly opened his packet and she took one gratefully, leaning forward when Tommy flicked his lighter. Tommy moved in close to light Y/n’s cigarette for her, she held her breath as he did, wanting to avoid accidentally breathing in his dizzying scent of fresh soap and a hint of whiskey. Y/n took a long drag of the cigarette, having smoked almost half of it in one go when she finally exhaled. Tommy quirked an eyebrow at her obvious craving for the nicotine but didn’t comment.

Y/n relaxed her shoulders a little as she felt the effects of the smoke calm her rushing blood slightly, sagging against the tree as she pulled at the last dregs of the cigarette. Her mind wandered back to the problem at hand when she flicked the butt away into the grass.

“To what do I owe the pleasure,” Tommy asked as he too finished his smoke.

Y/n sighed and looked off into the distance, her eyes finding two of the Shelby horses grazing at the far side of the field in the shade, “I think Mark is going to propose to me.”

She sighed out a breath and couldn’t stop the way her eyes immediately went to Tommy’s face, waiting for his reaction. Y/n had accepted months ago that Tommy wouldn't ever see her the way she wanted him to, so she shut the door on those feelings and kept them buried under Mark’s affections. But she couldn’t help but worry that the lock on her heart was too weak now that she spoke to Tommy about impending marriage, she was powerless to stop the small hope that Tommy might tell her to say no, knew she’d run right into his arms if he wanted her to.

“I’m not sure what light you think I’ll be able to shed on the matter,” Tommy responded, his bored voice grating on Y/n’s final nerve.

“I should’ve known you’d be no help,” She huffed, pushing away from the tree and smoothing her skirts with angry hands. She made to stomp off back across the field, like she always did when Tommy irritated her, but a warm hand circling the entirety of her wrist stopped her in her tracks.

“Alright, love, alright, stop your tantrum,” Tommy was barely concealing a laugh behind his hand, but Y/n could see the humour clearly in his twinkling eyes.

“Shut up, Tommy,” Y/n replied, articulating her scowl with a harsh shove into Tommy’s side, “I’m just… not sure I want to marry him, at least, not so soon,”

Tommy pushed his hair out of his eyes and seemed to consider for a moment, “Well, don’t you like him?”

Y/n rolled her eyes, “Of course I like him, he’s sweet - kind to me, you know... Has a good job,”

“Well there you go, if you like him, why can’t you marry him?” Tommy said, so matter of fact that Y/n might have thought he’d mulled this over before.

“That’s just the thing, Tom. I like him, sure. But I just described him like he’s a pet dog, not a potential husband,” Tommy snorts at that and Y/n can’t help the little giggle that escapes in response, “I just… I always thought I’d be madly in love with whoever I was to marry, I’m scared I’ll regret it if I say yes,”

“What if you say no and regret it?” Tommy asked, his voice as soft as the breeze whispering over Y/n’s skin.

“You’re right. I don’t want to end up alone the rest of my life, and it’s not like anyone else is lining up for the chance to propose to me,” Y/n cringed at how obvious she sounded as she glanced at Tommy, she hunted for any change in those expressive eyes but came back disappointed when there was nothing.

Tommy said nothing more, sensing that Y/n was deep in thought, so they stood there in comfortable silence as the sun climbed higher into the afternoon sky.

Y/n felt bereft at the way her life had turned out. She and Ada used to dream of their weddings like all little girls did. They would excitedly tell each other all the details, what kind of dress they would wear, the colour of the bouquet they would hold, even the flavour of the wedding cake. They would clasp their little hands together and wish their dreams would come true, but there was one dream little Y/n never told Ada. The dream that a handsome blue eyed man would be waiting for her at the end of the aisle, he’d say she looked beautiful as he lifted her veil and they’d vow to belong to each other as long as they both lived.

Y/n's chest tightened sorrowfully as she felt that dream slipping through her fingers. No matter how tight she tried to hold onto it, she knew now that it would never come true.

“Come on,” Tommy spoke up, apparently done with the silence, “We can ride the horses back to the stables and I’ll see you home.”

Y/n felt pained by his words because they came from brotherly concern rather than the love she’d always wanted from him. He walked on ahead of her and Y/n closed her eyes, trying to find a way to barricade the door to her heart just a little more, so that maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much the next time Tommy smiled at her.

November 1913

Autumn came and went silently through the town of Small Heath. The residential area was completely taken up by dull houses and sooty factories, so Y/n always had to go searching for trees just beyond the cut if she wanted to see the change of the leaves before there weren’t any left. All that evidenced Autumn was a slight chill in the air and the constant heavy rain that deluged the narrow streets.

Y/n and Mark had married in that quiet Autumn a month ago in a small ceremony attended by only Mark’s family and the Shelbys, including Tommy. Life since then had been sweet, Y/n had to admit. Mark absolutely doted on her, hanging on her every whim to keep her happy, and Y/n found herself a little besotted with being Mrs Mark Johnson too, much to her surprise. At the wedding reception, Tommy had done nothing more than offer a muttered congratulations and brood in the corner alone for the rest of the night. But for once in her life, Y/n couldn’t find it within herself to actually care what Tommy was doing, thoroughly intent on enjoying a day that was all about her.

Winter then took Autumn’s place. Freezing air bit at bare faces, the town blanketed by a persistent cover of grey cloud. Y/n pulled her coat even tighter around herself as she made her way to the Garrison, praying that she’d find Tommy there since he’d been putting great effort into avoiding her recently. As she neared the place she hoped she’d find the second oldest Shelby, Y/n felt firmly resolute about her plan to talk to him, as she knew his stubbornness all too well. She knew that he’d let the silence between them stretch on until the end of time if she didn’t do something about it. So she steeled herself as she reached the heavy doors of the Garrison and walked inside.

She was immediately hit by the familiar smell of stale alcohol and tobacco permeating the air, barely containing a shudder as her senses tried to get used to the offending scent. Y/n quickly scanned the main area and didn’t find her target, so she walked over to Harry, the barkeep, and smiled at him as he finished wiping a glass.

“Hi, Harry. Is Tommy here?” She asked, hoping he’d at least caught sight of him today.

“He’s in there,” Harry replied, glancing over at the snug and nodding in that direction.

“Thanks, Harry,” Y/n gave her best sweet smile as payment, feeling a little bad about not buying a drink.

She pulled open the door to the snug and felt triumphant as she finally laid eyes on Tommy. He didn’t even bother to try and conceal the heavy sigh he huffed when he made eye contact with her, strengthening Y/n’s resolve that she would confront him about his avoidance even further.

“Hello, Thomas,” Y/n opened the conversation, inviting herself to sit at the table with him.

Tommy immediately brought out his pack of cigarettes, lit one and hastily shoved it between his lips as if he was trying to stop himself from speaking.

“What are you doing here?” He asked, smoke flowing out of his mouth with every word.

Y/n was puzzled at the question, “Is this not a public place?” She asked her own question back but didn’t wait for a response, “I’ve been trying to meet with you for weeks now, Tommy, but you always had some convenient excuse to avoid me,”

Tommy kept his face even and calm, the only tell that he’d been found out being a minute twitch of his lip, “There’s always business to attend to these days, Y/n,” He offered his meagre reasoning, another hasty excuse to hopefully placate her.

“Business,” Y/n couldn’t help but scoff, “Tommy, we haven’t had a conversation as long as this one since my wedding!” She didn’t miss the way Tommy’s shoulders straightened at the mention of the wedding. Curious.

“Why have you really been avoiding me, Tom?” She asked, softening her voice a little in hopes that Tommy would be more liable to answer truthfully.

But just as he’d opened his mouth to speak, in waltzed Arthur, the very embodiment of awkward timing, barrelling in like a rearing stallion, voice booming as loud as gunfire. Y/n rolled her eyes but couldn’t fight the smile that rose to her lips as Arthur pressed a rough kiss to the top of her head.

“And how’s married life treating the new Mrs Johnson, eh?” Arthur articulated his thinly veiled innuendo with a suggestive wink.

“Just fine, thank you, Arthur,” Y/n replied with a smirk, quite enjoying the way Arthur’s eyebrows rose into his hairline, surprised that she’d actually played along.

“I bet there’ll be tiny little versions of you running around Small Heath in no time at all, eh, love?” He garbled around the cork of a whiskey bottle he’d pulled out with his teeth, pouring the amber liquid into his glass.

“Well, that might not actually be the case,” Y/n smiled a little sadly, watching as Tommy sat up a little straighter, quirking a confused brow as a means to ask her to explain.

“Mark has been looking at a property in the countryside, about an hour away from here. If nobody outbids us we’ll be moving come New Year,” Y/n looked down at her hands, her fingers twisting themselves into knots as she tried to avoid Tommy’s penetrating eyes.

Arthur hummed but didn’t say anything on the matter, and Y/n knew Tommy wasn’t going to offer anything new, recognising that the contemplative look on his face meant silence for the foreseeable. So she felt compelled to continue on explaining herself.

“With all this talk of war getting closer and closer to us, we really want to settle down and start a family sooner rather than later,” She rambled, feeling a little interrogated even though neither man had said anything yet.

As Y/n flicked her eyes over to Tommy apprehensively, she saw that his jaw was completely set and he was gripping his whiskey glass so tight that his knuckles were white and his fist was shaking a little.

Y/n looked at him quizzically, trying to make him meet her eyes by some sort of telepathy, but Tommy’s gaze remained firmly fixed on his alcohol. She couldn’t understand why he’d be angry with her about this, her move hadn’t come as a shock to anyone who actually spoke to her often; it had been on the cards pretty much as soon as they were married. Maybe it was because Tommy thought she’d be happier here, maybe it was because he didn’t like her husband; how was she to know if he rebuffed her every attempt at communication?

Silence continued on for a minute before Arthur, characteristically oblivious to the tension, piped up again, “Well! The countryside, eh? Sounds marvellous, love,”

Tommy raised his eyebrows, as if in disbelief, and shook his head, dragging on the last fragments of his cigarette. Y/n muttered a quiet thanks to Arthur as he stood, saying something about another bottle of whiskey from his private collection to celebrate. Her eyes followed Arthur’s slightly drunken gait as he made his way out of the snug.

“Thomas, why are you sulking at me?” She interrogated immediately as the door shut.

Tommy stamped out his cigarette in the ash try, “I’m not sulking,” he replied, frowning.

“Well, you’re doing an excellent impression,” Y/n countered, sighing when Tommy’s lips didn’t even attempt a smile, “I just don’t understand why you can’t even pretend to be happy for me at least,”

Tommy’s shoulders sagged at that and he finally lifted his head up to meet Y/n’s eyes, “Don’t get upset ok?” He began carefully, and just by his tone of voice, Y/n knew she absolutely was going to get upset, “I just didn’t think you’d marry so soon, especially after our conversation in spring, you said he was like a pet dog, not a husband. Now all of a sudden you’re moving away? I know you Y/n, you love our town, what if you hate it in the country?”

Y/n’s face flushed hot, she was utterly incensed that Tommy thought these things about her marriage and apparently just chose to never say a word about it, “Firstly, if I remember correctly about that conversation in spring, you offered me no actually helpful advice when I was obviously asking for it!” Y/n was careful not to shout, so her voice came out like a hiss, “Then you practically encouraged me to marry him! Now you want to act as if you’re the font of all knowledge when it comes to my marriage.”

Tommy bit his lip and scrubbed a rough hand over his face, the way he did when he was trying not to get angry, “I just can’t help but think that your decisions have been too hasty, Y/n,” he supplied, any sweetness in his voice long gone.

The words wounded Y/n deeper than anything he’d said to her before, she felt the tears pricking at her eyes as she tried not to show that she was upset. All she’d ever wanted was this married life with him, but now that she’d moved on and accepted that it was never going to happen, Tommy chose to criticise her every decision, blissfully ignorant of the fact that she had worked so hard to get over him.

“I could hardly wait for you forever, Tom,” Y/n whispered, suddenly feeling exhausted as all the memories of her relationship with Tommy flashed in front of her eyes, she couldn’t help but feel it was such a waste, pining after him for all that time. Such a waste to crave the affections of a man who didn’t pay enough attention to her to notice she was utterly in love with him.

“I don’t know what you mean,” Tommy finally said, looking away from Y/n’s tearful eyes.

“If you had such strong opinions on the choices I made, who I was going to marry, where I was going to live, maybe you should’ve voiced them while you still could’ve done something about it,” Y/n stood as soon as she finished her speech, walking towards the door when she was certain Tommy wasn’t going to speak again.

Tommy didn’t call after her when she left.

February 1917

The fire crackled distantly as Y/n stared blankly into the flames, amber light casting lonely shadows onto the walls of her cottage home. The room was near silent, but the thud of her heart in her ears was almost deafening.

She clutched a telegram in her trembling hands and didn't bother to fight her tears as she read it for the fourth or fifth time, hoping this time she might make sense of the words written there on the page. But she didn’t know whether she couldn’t understand the sentences or just couldn’t believe the words were true.

Before the war hit England in July 1914, Y/n and Mark had spent a wonderfully happy, albeit short, married life. A few months before Mark was shipped off to France like every other man fit to fight, he worked as a clerk in the postal office of their little village, while Y/n looked after their house. She tended the garden too and often found peace planting flowers and thinking up new arrangements. Mark would come home every evening and greet Y/n with a kiss on her cheek before they sat down to eat dinner. Life was peaceful and picture perfect, no fighting, no drunkards lining the streets, no constant threat of crime. Y/n would be lying if she said she didn’t miss the chaos of Small Heath at least a little bit, but somewhere between their move to the country and Mark’s constant devotion, Y/n well and truly fell in love with him.

Now, as Y/n looked around her desolate sitting room, she realised she had absolutely nothing to prove that their love had ever happened. No matter how hard they had tried, God wouldn’t bless them with a child, and in the suffocating silence of this house, Y/n suddenly ached with longing to hear the patter of little feet running into her arms. At least she’d be comforted by the knowledge that a piece of their father resided still in this cottage, could look at their faces and still see his eyes looking back. But there was nothing, just utter loneliness.

Up until now, Y/n had grasped at any small shred of hope that Mark would return, ever since he left three years ago. She wrote to him every week, prayed for him every night, even though she wasn’t sure there was anyone listening anymore. She wished for his safe return and dreamed of the day he would warm their bed again. But now, there was no hope left in all the Earth that Y/n could beg for. There was no marriage, no husband to speak of as Y/n sat completely alone in this world, still clinging to that damned letter, her tears ruining the ink that spelled the end of her life.

Mark Johnson - Killed In Action.

July 1919

Y/n stepped off the train and took a heaving breath in as she tried to calm her nerves. Tendrils of anxiety curled around her chest as she carefully walked up the steps to leave the station, she knew she was only a short walk away from her home town and the odd need to run away was rising through her body.

Only the month prior, Y/n had sold her cottage in the countryside, finally accepting that nothing was keeping her tied to that place anymore, accepting that she couldn’t fit in without Mark. In the village, every corner she turned was a reminder of her husband, the route he used to walk to work, their favourite spot in the park, the station where she'd kissed him for the last time. She twisted her wedding ring around her finger nervously, she’d kept it on even after Mark's memorial service, it seemed a simple service she could do her husband to wear it, to remember him every day.

Y/n decided to rent a flat just down the road from where she’d grown up, and the familiarity of the streets comforted her as she entered her new home, dropping her few belongings in the hallway. It wasn’t much, but as a woman alone Y/n didn’t really see the point of buying a big house with no one else to keep her company. She sagged against the door, suddenly overwhelmed with the urge to get a whiskey, so she decided to leave the flat for a while and hoped that the Garrison would clear her head.

Almost as soon as she opened the door to the pub, Y/n could hear John’s familiar voice shouting over to someone at the bar and her eyes immediately landed on all of the Shelbys sat around a table, drinking various spirits and pints of ale. The relief she felt as she counted the boys and noted that they were all intact and alive was brief, she couldn't believe her bad luck that she had run into every Shelby the minute she set foot back in Small Heath. Y/n quickly scurried up to the bar, hopefully unnoticed by the family, deciding that she definitely wasn't having this reunion sober.

She had barely taken a sip of her whiskey when a voice called to her from across the room, "Well isn't this a sight for sore bloody eyes," Y/n heard Polly's familiar drawl and didn't need to look up from her glass to know all the attention was suddenly on her. Y/n gave up on the dainty sipping and knocked back the rest of her whiskey as the Shelbys began to descend like vultures to their prey. She focussed on the way the alcohol spread through her body, warming her and giving her that little bit more confidence as she gave a tight hug to her surrogate mother, "Hi, Pol," she said with a smile.

"Now what the 'ell are you doing back 'ere, love?" Arthur spoke as he nodded to the barkeep to refill your glass.

Y/n sighed, overwhelmed by the sudden questioning even though it was only Arthur who had asked anything, "You ok?" Polly whispered, squeezing her arm. Y/n nodded quickly and took another gulp of whiskey, "I wasn't counting on seeing you all so suddenly, I only got here half an hour ago!" She laughed nervously, "But now's as good a time as any to say I've moved back here. Surprise!" There was a chorus of congratulations and happy remarks, but there was only one person's face Y/n searched for, and she finally felt like she was home when she found Tommy's blue eyes.

He looked different, older definitely, but there was a cold harshness in his eyes that Y/n had never seen before. She shivered at what those eyes might have seen in France.

"It's good to have you back round here, Y/n," Tommy said lowly, and Y/n felt like everyone else in the room had faded away as she let Tommy's presence wash over her.

"Let's get a bottle to celebrate!" Arthur boomed, ruffling her hair like he did when she was a child, "Where's that husband of yours?" Y/n sucked in a sharp breath at the tactless question, fighting back tears as she tried to remember that it wasn't their fault if they didn't know Mark had passed.

"Probably at home looking after the kids, eh, Y/n?" John chimed in, nausea rising in Y/n's stomach as she tried to get a word in edgewise before someone said something they would regret.

"Nah, he's probably avoiding the pub, you know he can't handle his booze," Tommy was the one to pipe up that time and Y/n hated the cruel edge to his laugh, she'd hoped he'd grown up enough to get over his childish dislike of her husband.

"Tommy," Polly warned in that low, threatening voice of hers, picking up on Y/n's quickened breathing and tearful eyes. But Tommy carried on laughing, oblivious to his Aunt's insistence that they stop making fun, "You have to admit, he's always been a bit of a boring bastard," and there was the last straw. Before she'd even told her arm to move, Y/n's hand was flying at Tommy's face, slapping him right across the cheek so hard his head actually looked like it might detach from his neck. It happened so quickly Y/n wasn't quite sure if she had actually done it or not, but the boys had stopped laughing instantaneously, and the way Polly physically flinched told her she had genuinely just smacked Tommy Shelby. "How dare you," Y/n hissed before she could think better of it, her voice cold as steel, "My husband is dead, Thomas, have some fucking respect," The entire pub had gone silent, all staring intently at the scene unfolding, but wincing at Y/n's words, like they were watching a car accident happen right in front of them, too morbidly curious to look away. To his credit, John looked thoroughly ashamed of himself even though he hadn't said anything insulting and Arthur's eyes looked like they might pop out of his head, Y/n might have laughed had the cause been different. "Y/n, love, I'm sorry, we-" Arthur reached out as if to comfort her, but he cut off his sentence when Y/n flinched away from his touch, too overwhelmed to be crowded by him. She didn't know when she'd started to cry, but tears were flooding down her cheeks and pooling on the floorboards at her feet.

"Right. John, Arthur? Time to go," Polly insisted, ever the observant one, she knew that Tommy and Y/n had some talking to do. Neither man moved at first, but all it took was for Polly to level them with her menacing glare and they were hurrying out of the pub faster than a horse at full gallop.

Tommy and Y/n stood in silence for a moment, Y/n being too scared to speak because she desperately didn't want to acknowledge that she'd just slapped him.

"Y/n, I'm so sorry," Tommy finally whispered, and his voice was so genuinely sincere that it broke the final shred of dignity that Y/n cared to hold onto, and she started to cry louder than she had even let herself cry at Mark's memorial. Tommy opened his arms and that was all the prompting Y/n needed to fall straight into his chest, she sniffled as he cradled her head against his steadily beating heart, he shushed her softly and held her tight, "Come on now, love, let's go in the other room yeah? We can talk away from all the prying eyes,"

Y/n allowed herself to be led into the snug, struck by how familiar it was even after all these years, Tommy lowered her carefully onto the couch, as if he was afraid she might fall over.

"I'm sorry for hitting you, Tommy," Y/n babbled as soon as her breathing evened out, "It's not your fault, you didn't know Mark was dead,"

Tommy rubbed his cheek and smiled lightly, "Don't apologise, I deserved it. You've got some power in that hand, you know? Not sure any man has ever hit me that hard," Y/n giggled despite herself, sniffing and wiping at her face to dry the tears.

"So how come you're moving back here?" Tommy asked as she sagged into the couch, he avoided asking about Mark's death, sensing that she'd talk about it in her own time.

"Everything back at the village just reminds me of him, I couldn't stand it. Every time I left the house I couldn't stop thinking about how I waved him off to France, to fucking war, and didn't know he was never coming back. So I just isolated myself, only left the house to buy food, never made any friends because I couldn't bring myself to walk around without him by myside, I couldn't walk around as if nothing had happened," Tommy just hummed, knowing there was more to say and just waiting for Y/n to go on, "So when I finally sold the house, I decided to make a new start somewhere I knew would be easy to fit in,"

"You were right, you know," Y/n laughed into the quiet of the room, "I really did miss it round here. I missed how unpredictable it was, the routine of the village was hard to get used to but..." She teared up all over again as her husband's smiling face flashed in her mind, "I really did love him,"

"I'm sorry," was all Tommy said as Y/n swallowed around the lump in her throat.

"I didn't think I'd fall in love with him so deeply. At the start, my main reason for marrying him was because I thought I had no other option," Y/n confessed, not entirely sure why she was spilling all of her secrets to the man she used to love.

"I always thought you liked him a lot either way," Tommy said, a confused edge to his tone, "You used to talk about him constantly,"

Y/n laughed a genuine laugh at that, reminded suddenly of herself at seventeen, "I only talked about him so much because I thought it would make you jealous,"

Tommy's head shot up at that, and Y/n was once again concerned about the structural integrity of his neck, "Jealous?" He reiterated, pausing the rolling of a new cigarette to stare at Y/n expectantly.

"Yeah, I used to hint at you all the time about my very massive crush on you. But for all the good your intelligence apparently does, you never got it. Or, you know, you were just trying to let me down gently,"

Tommy looked like he was about to choke, or possibly stop breathing all together, "Hold on, you liked me?"

Y/n rolled her eyes at Tommy, assuming he was overreacting on purpose, "I know, it's embarrassing Tommy, don't make fun of me. But yes, I didn't just like you. I loved you, Tommy, ever since I was eleven,"

"Oh my god," Tommy breathed, suddenly struggling to get his rolling paper to stick.

"What? There's no need to be dramatic, Thomas," Y/n said, voice snippy due to her slight mortification.

"I just... I liked you too, for years, but I thought you didn't have any feelings for me since you were going out with Mark,"

Y/n was sure her blood had turned cold in her veins, either that or someone must have dumped a bucket of ice over her head, "Are you serious right now? Tommy, you should've just told me! I was being so obvious with my hints and you just refused to see it!"

Tommy looked indignant as he gave up on rolling his cigarette, "Well, why didn't you just tell me!" Y/n couldn't deny that that was an excellent point, "Anyway, I was sure someone as beautiful as you couldn't possibly have feelings for someone like me,"

Y/n slumped in her seat, overwhelmed by the revelations, she smiled as she imagined how she would've reacted to this information when she was a teenager all those years ago.

"Oh, Tommy, you're an idiot!" Tommy started to laugh and Y/n couldn't help soon joining in, feeling weightless for the first time since the war. She gazed into Tommy's eyes again, searched for the same look they'd had when he was in his early twenties, even though she knew she wouldn't find it. He'd changed so much, they both had, but in that moment she wondered if they really could just be the same two kids who loved each other so much, couldn't help but wonder how their lives would've played out if they'd both had the courage to admit their feelings.

Y/n didn't know when it happened, but their faces were suddenly only a hair's width apart, she could feel his breath whispering over her mouth, he smelled sweet despite the tobacco that clung to him. Y/n's eyes fluttered closed out of instinct, her heart thudding as she let herself be intoxicated by Tommy's entire being. But just as their noses touched, she sprung away from Tommy like he'd burned her.

"I'm sorry, that was-"

"No, don't apologise," Y/n cut him off before he could start spiralling, "Tommy... I've loved you since the day I met you, and... I think I always will love you, no matter what happens, or what has happened. You mean the world to me," she stared at her hands, afraid of the vulnerability she felt as she laid her heart at Tommy's feet, "But you have to understand... I loved my husband too, and I can't help but feel like I'm betraying him, because I'm falling for you so fast all over again. I'd - I'd feel so guilty if I rushed into something with you when he loved me so much before he passed. I can't just forget him."

"I won't ask you to," Tommy replied, tentatively putting his warm hand on Y/n's knee, making her look up at him, "But I have loved you too, and I love you right now, and I'll love you tomorrow. I won't ever be able to forgive myself if I let you get away again, not now that I know you feel the same. I want to be with you, whenever you're ready. We can take it slow,"

Y/n was breathless, like all the air in the room had suddenly been sucked out, she was completely consumed by thousands of thoughts running through her head all at once, "What does slow look like?" She whispered, entirely swept up by the ocean of love in Tommy's eyes.

"It starts like this," He murmured softly, taking Y/n by the hand and brushing his lips against her knuckles, "Then it might continue if you'll accompany me to dinner soon?"

"I'd like that Tommy," Y/n replied, a wave of relief flowing through her body, grateful that she could find love again at her own pace.

Tommy leaned in slowly and placed the most gentle and reverent kiss on Y/n's cheek, looking so deeply into her eyes that she thought he might be gazing directly at her soul, his voice was full of adoration as he said, "I promise I won't ever let you go,"

#thomas shelby #tommy shelby #peaky blinders #peaky blinders fanfic #peaky blinders x reader #tommy shelby x reader #thomas shelby x reader #tommy shelby fanfic #tommy shelby angst #tommy shelby fluff #polly gray #arthur shelby #tommy shelby x reader fanfic #tommy shelby imagine #tommy shelby x reader imagine #tommy shelby x reader oneshot

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heartlilith · 5 months

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My Placements and How They Manifest

Capricorn Ascendent:

My mother told me that when she gave birth to me, it was worse than my other 3 other siblings by far. She had to be induced because there was no sign of me wanting to come out into the world (lol). She said she was in labor for hours and when I finally came out, she started hemorrhaging. It wasn't fatal obviously because she's alive today but yeah, I kind of associate that with my Capricorn rising. Still to this day, change is very uncomfortable for me especially if I have no control over what's happening. My childhood was great until my mom divorced my dad and remarried, that's when shit went south! I had new siblings, a stepfather, and had to see my dad heartbroken while also battling melanoma and being laid off (2008 recession). My sister stayed with him and I went with my mom. They were always fighting and spiting each other but it was my sister and I that missed out. It was always "what is your father saying about me?" yada yada yada. Growing up, I was bullied by my sister a lot, in my opinion, it was more than the usual sibling fights. My mom also took a lot of her anger out on me; she ended up getting a divorce not too long after remarrying, became an alcoholic and filed for bankruptcy. Being a Capricorn rising and dealing with the backlash of that, I always have money saved, ALWAYS. I'm like a squirrel hiding nuts I stg. If I'm completely broke I'm an anxious mess. It's also why I strive to be independent and self sufficient. It's why I manifest being filthy rich. High school was terrible tbh and I battled with depression and anxiety. College was a lot better and moving away from my mom and chaotic family did me well, I went from a 2.6 GPA in high school to 3.85 in college. Rereading this it sounds kinda like a sob story and that's not what I'm trying to accomplish so I'm just going to move on.

1st House Neptune, Uranus, Lilith:

I made a separate post either on here or Reddit about how my features have changed so much over the years. As a child, my hair was blonde then it turned blonde/red in late elementary school. Since then, it's turned darker and darker through the years. Now it's dark brown. My eyes were dark blue as a child and now they're light green - I attribute this to Uranus and Neptune being on my Ascendent. In my opinion, I'm not photogenic at all (Cap rising?) and I think I look different in every picture I take or is taken of me. With Lilith being in my first house, I was sexualized a lot growing up by older guys/men. And also bullied by boys my age; I remember they thought I was "too girly". Guys, I shit you not after I had enough of it, I started showing up with boy shorts and those tank tops guys wear HAHAHA to be more of a "tomboy"... I'm not really sure what that is but yeah, I must've been 10 or 12 or something. People would always say "it's because they have a crush on you/because they like you!" and I would be so confused. Nowadays, I think I rub some people, specifically men, the wrong way and they dislike me for "no reason", or maybe they have a reason but they never come out and say it. My Uranus in the 1st shows up as being quirky I guess? I'm not really sure. Maybe it's that my parents were never disciplinary at all, I could do whatever I wanted. At the time I loved it but deep down I think I wanted to them to care, so I would act more and more reckless. Today, maybe that sets me apart. One last thing about Neptune/Uranus in the 1st is that I can't stand to see people treating people/animals/or what have you, the wrong way. I can't even watch Youtube videos of animals starting off abused... even if the videos end with them being happy and healthy, I CAN'T DO IT. It deeply disturbs me.

Side Note (1st House Lilith):

As a small child I was obsessed with being naked all the time and skinny dipping LMFAO like it was a problem. Luckily there were no creeps and I was fine but would this placement indicate that in anyway? Let me know because it doesn't really fit with my Capricorn rising.

(I'm really sorry this post is so long and detailed I think I'm having word vomit)

Virgo Moon:

As a child I was really reserved and "chill". I already talked about my relationship with my mom and she was critical and whatever. One thing that sticks out about this placement is that she would always push the idea on me to "stay pure" and to "stay innocent", especially when I was a teen. Always pushing this on me. Always telling her friends I was "naive" and yeah maybe I was in a sense. I don't know it's weird how that fits. My mom wasn't all bad though. She definitely had many faults but she was a great mom in certain aspects. Growing up, I realized she's just a human like me, with problems of her own. I don’t hold it against her. Today, my Virgo moon makes me sooo anxious and worrisome. I definitely see the negative qualities it brings but the good qualities out weigh them. I love buying people gifts and I'm a great gift giver if I do say so myself. With my Capricorn rising and Virgo moon, I hate PDA and it can be hard for me to be lovey dovey (even with all my Leo), so I show love by buying gifts - kind of like my dad. My parents were never there for me emotionally but they bought me great gifts hahaha, I guess that's why. Also I tend to "mother" my partners; I do their laundry, do the cleaning, make their doctor appointments, and take care of them in a sense - like my mom did for me. Writing this out I can now see why I am the way I am lol.

Moon square Jupiter, Pluto, and Saturn:

Ooooff. Well I won't dive into it too much. I will say it affects my mental health greatly and I've had a lot of trouble in that department. My Moon square Jupiter really makes my moods go up and down. Like high highs and low lows for sure. I try to look at it positively even though it's hard sometimes. Having the high highs brings out my inner child (Jupiter in the 5th). When I'm happy I'm really happy and giggling and silly. And of course the flip side is low low :( But I like the high highs so I deal. Also with this, I tend to avoid being sad at all costs. All costs. I'm a true escape artist when it comes to emotions. With Pluto and Saturn squaring my Moon, I am infact a MOODY BITCH. LOL, hey at least I can admit it. It brings intrusive thoughts, obsessive thinking, insecurity, and guilt with it too - all that great stuff. Moving on.

Cancer Mercury:

I like my Cancer Mercury a lot, even though it's paired with my all my Leo placements which can make me a ~smidge~ dramatic. I wasn't the best student in high school but I did take the hardest English courses they offered, which in hindsight saved my GPA lol. In college, I studied English with a concentration in creative writing. I mostly wrote and studied poetry which I loved so much. I'm a great listener and if I could write an advice column I would. I love how my Cancer Mercury makes me empathetic and how I'm able to put myself in anyone's shoes. One negative about this placement is that I get hurt easily (paired with Leo Sun and Virgo Moon esp), but I won't let you know I'm hurt, I'll just get angry and mean. I don't like that about myself and I wish I was more vulnerable in that aspect but it's easier to be angry than sad... right?

Leo Venus and Mars:

After talking about all the above placements, my Leo side is definitely my ray of sunshine in a way. I feel like with my Virgo Moon and the aspects it makes, it kinda settles my Leo ego. That's not to say I don't have an ego, I definitely do... just look at this post it's all about meee :) I have pictures of when I was 3-6 years old and flexing my muscles hahaha and I thought I was so strong I would go around and show everyone that I could pick my mom and older sister up. So weird. Other than that, when I dislike someone I tend to go on rant for awhile about everything I dislike about them. My least favorite thing is when someone makes me feel inferior or small, that will put me on 10 easily. I don't get mad all that much, it takes a lot but when I do get mad, I see red. Maybe cause I have Mars at 0 degrees. I do get over things quickly though, emotionally anyway, but I do hold a grudge. Also yesss, I have Leo hair. It's long and thick and hard to manage. Growing up, my mom would never let me color or cut it and I'm kinda glad now looking back on it.

8th house Moon & Venus:

This is why I hold grudges hahaha. In my opinion, the 8th house can be hard to understand/put into words until you experience it (in synastry, transit, natal, etc), then you just know. With Venus here, every person I'm romantically involved with transforms me but also takes a piece of me as well. In my experience with the 8th house, you can gain a lot of good things but it comes with a price. Whether its a mix of my placements or just these placements specifically, love really hurts! Break ups have put me in dark dark places. When I do love someone, I want to merge with them, like become "one" if that makes sense. So when it comes to an end, I have a huge hole left. In my life, this has manifested as when I ran away from home to a different state and ghosted my family and friends just to get back together with my boyfriend, all on a whim. I'd give it all up for someone I love. With Virgo Moon being in my 8th house, my anxiety mixes with my obsessive behavior which manifests as dermotillamania. I struggle with it so bad. I'm working on it but yeah that's kinda interesting looking from an astrological sense. Moon in the 8th house gives me great intuition though... I'm always right about the vibes. But this comes at the cost of feeling things extremely deeply.

Scorpio MC:

This is another placement that I like about my chart because my Capricorn rising makes me come off as intimidating and my MC makes people see me as powerful and mysterious. I don't know if people actually see me this way but even it being a possibility gives me like Olivia Benson vibes. I love her. Anyway, one thing I will say is I don't have social media anymore and haven't for years (besides Tumblr and Reddit) because I really value my privacy. I don't like people knowing things about me unless I decide to share it with them, even small things. Tumblr and Reddit are okay in my mind because I don't know anyone in real life. But even this post I'm already thinking of deleting and I haven't even posted it yet lol. When I did have social media, I would overshare and then delete the post an hour later. I was always deleting pictures and revamping my aesthetic. I became obsessed with likes and comments and scrolling that it was too much and I didn't like the power it had over me. Something else that I think manifests from my MC is that I love psychology, astrology, and things that tie into personalities.

5th house Jupiter & Saturn:

It always confused me on how to interpret having Saturn, the planet of limitations and responsibility, and Jupiter, the planet of expansion and luck, in the same house. I thought that they canceled each other out in a way, or level each other out... is a better way of putting it. I actually messaged @astrosky33 and asked how they interpret it. Her (?) answer was interesting and made a lot of sense. Jupiter and Saturn in the same house gives off both energies at the same time (why didn't I think of that? lol). So for the 5th house, in terms of my hypothetical kids, I would be a parent that has fun and is silly but also strict in some ways and responsible. One way Saturn in my 5th house manifests is that I don't want to do anything creative unless I feel it's productive in some way, which I don't like about myself. Meaning, I don't want to read a book if the genre is fantasy, I would rather read non-fiction or a self help book; something that I can learn from. Also, I really like hobbies where I can produce something, like making candles or making spell jars. If I can make money from a hobby that I love then even better. Jupiter in the 5th house manifests as being child-like and also loving kids. If things are going well and I'm happy, then I can be excited and goofy like a child. If things aren't going well, then I can throw a tantrum like a child. I love kids because my early childhood was the best time of my life before life hit me upside the head (lol). This past Halloween, I made goodie bags for the trick or treaters and got so excited when the doorbell rang. I don't know, I just want to protect kids and shield them from the bad in the world. Kids, out of everyone, deserve to be happy.

Sun sextile Jupiter:

Things tend to work out for me, well, as of lately anyway. I struggled a lot growing up and I was always wishing my life were different. I couldn't wait to leave home. Now, I have a boyfriend who I love very much and we live very comfortably. I have a great job and I am so much happier than I was before. Of course, life isn't always perfect and there are problems at every turn. I wish I could go back in time and tell 15 year old me that everything is going to be okay, more than okay actually. I have a dog and two kittens who I love very much and I'm very fortunate to have the life that I do. I try to stay positive because there's no point in being negative and sulking all the time. Plus, you never know what can happen so be thankful for what you have, even if in your eyes, it isn't enough. I believe in being nice to people, you never know how far one act of kindness can go. Lord knows I needed it during some pretty tough times in my life.

Venus square Saturn (TW: Eating disorder, drug use, phobias):

Going back to having fear of abandonment and being uncomfortable with PDA... well here is the culprit. Or some of the culprit. Since Venus is in my 8th house, I feel like this aspect plays into my fear of my family dying, more specifically, my parents. Whenever I visit home and I see they look a little older, move a little slower, I get really sad. Their birthdays are supposed to be for celebrating but I can't help but get sad. It takes over me and I obsess about what I'm going to do when the day comes and they're not here anymore. I put on a brave face though and I buy them nice gifts and send flowers on holidays... but it's always in the back of my mind. This aspect also manifests as having low self esteem and growing up this was very prevalent. I didn't care about myself at all; I did drugs, I put myself into bad situations that I get anxiety just thinking about what could've happened. I had an eating disorder, dated boys that were awful. I'm fortunate that I made it out okay. I still have insecurities today but during that time in my life it was so intense because even as a teen without this aspect, you deal with insecurities. It was like double trouble.

If you read this far, thank you. I hope it was semi-interesting and Im really curious to know what you guys think. Should I make a part 2? I’m feeling a little “out there” by posting this so I hope it's not too much. Thanks again for taking the time to read this.

(let me know what you think!)

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wonwoonlight · 1 year

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everything and more; chapter 1 / choi seungcheol

➝ Seungcheol x single mom!Reader (feat. original characters, Jisoo, Jinyoung, Jeonghan, etc.)

➝ best friends to lovers // single mom!Reader // slowburn // fluff // angst // slice of life-ish

➝ wc: 5.2~k

➝ chapter warning: character death (its literally the plot sjhdfhsjbf), curses, cliche probably lol, not entirely proofread, nothing more that i can think of

➝ everything and more masterlist

[✾✾✾]

You used to say you wanted at least three children growing up.

But then your sister gave birth to one beautiful son, a nephew you love with everything your heart can offer and more, and, after seeing the hardship she went through, you decided motherhood isn't for you. You had never thought motherhood was easy, but seeing someone so close to you going through it was another experience altogether.

The thought of being the aunt that spoils their nephew to no end definitely seems like the better choice. Given, your sister's journey is probably harder than most because the father isn't in the picture and God knows how cruel the world can be to single mothers, especially those out of wedlock.

Still, you had lived with her for the first three months after she gave birth to help her around, and you’re 99% sure (the 1% you keep around just in case your words will bite you back in the ass) you would never be able to care for a child 24/7. Even babysitting during the day was hard, but she had to care for Seungyoon during day and night and you don’t even dare to imagine the amount of patience it took her to do that.

“Seungyoon is… how old now?” Jisoo asks as she bounces your nephew on her lap. You’re on babysitting duty today, as Yuri has a business trip to Suwon and you’ve convinced her to let you babysit Seungyoon. That sister of yours can be too hard headed for her own good when it comes to her son, which you understand to a certain point, but you don’t see why she should bring her toddler son to a business trip when you don’t even have work today and you’re her sister for a reason.

It’s always been you two; three now, with Seungyoon. You don’t have any other family and it’s okay as long as you have each other. You’ve found a lot of family along the way in other people: like Jisoo, your best friend since high school, and Seungcheol, another best friend of yours from university. Not to forget Jinyoung, Yuri’s only and closest friend who’s basically your big brother. You’re happy with this family and you wouldn’t have it any other way.

"He's three next month." You grin as your nephew giggles uncontrollably on Jisoo's lap, the way Seungcheol is poking his belly making his giggle louder by the seconds.

"Already?" Seungcheol exclaims, his mouth turning into a small 'o'. "Wow. Felt like it was just yesterday we visited Yuri after her labor."

"Right?" Jisoo sighs as she hugs the kid closer to her. She has always had a soft spot for him, to the point where she was probably more excited about Seungyoon's birth than you were almost three years ago. "Now this brat can already talk back if we try to make him eat his carrot."

Seungyoon scrunches in distaste at the mention of the vegetable, frowning at Jisoo like she has personally offended him. "Auntie. No carrot."

"Why do you not like carrots though?" Seungcheol intercepts, indulging him.

"Yuck." His frown deepens, followed by a yawn that makes its way out of his small lips.

"They're good for your eyes, you know." You poke his cheek to gain his attention and, just like that, the little kid turns to you and extends his arms so you'd take him to your lap instead. It's something he often does when his mom isn't around; seeks for your warmth when he's sleepy or uncomfortable. Because you're you and you're always there together with his mom that his mind already registers you as another safe place for him. It's something that Yuri has taught him too, to find you or Uncle Jinyoung if she's not there.

"Sleepy?" You take him into your arms and whisper with a soft kiss on top of his head, the way you endlessly caress his hair lulling him to sleep. "We'll go home in a bit, okay?"

Seungyoon doesn't answer, simply buries his face in your chest as sleep overcomes him bit by bit.

Almost an hour goes by just like that, with the three of you quietly continuing the discussion in the cafe, talking about work and whatnot as your fingers absentmindedly comb through Seungyoon's hair even if he's already asleep at this point.

"Hey, didn't you go on a date or something last week?"

Seungcheol looks at you, nods, then shrugs, not giving any details until Jisoo prods, prods, and prods. You're thankful she does it for you, because you're actually also curious but don't really have the heart to force it out of him.

Seungcheol is a romantic. Has always been particular with the girls he wants to date. If he's not interested, then he wouldn't spare them a glance. If he's only remotely interested, he'd still be skeptical and find a hundred reasons not to agree on a date. There's just something bothersome about going out with someone he doesn't know without anyone else present.

You and Jisoo have been encouraging him to go on dates though, if only because it's been too long and you recognize the longing in his eyes everytime he sees his friends with their partners. He claims he's not currently looking for a relationship, but it's also been quite some time since he even goes out with anyone other than you two, and that's why you've been telling him to be more open at least for the first meetings. If he doesn't want to continue from then, then it's up to him. But how would he find someone–anyone if he doesn't even want to go on the first date?

"It was okay… but, nothing special. She's nice and we have some common interests but…" His gaze falls on Seungyoon on your lap, then caresses his head as if seeking some sort of comfort from the little boy. "Not interested in a second date."

Jisoo is about to argue, probably meaning to convince him to tell more, but her phone rings and she immediately picks up when she sees her fiance's name. Jeonghan rarely calls when she's out with you both, that's a rule they've decided together: to respect the time they spend with their friends. So she knows it must be important if he calls her instead of leaving a text.

You see her panic the longer the call goes, hand already busy packing up her stuff as you barely hear Jeonghan's faint voice calmly speak through the phone.

"Jeonghan’s sister got into an accident." Jisoo relays the information once he hangs up, voice shaking, and worry floods over you despite not knowing the girl personally. "I… I need to go. She's being taken to the hospital now."

"Want me to drive you?" Seungcheol offers, but Jisoo shakes her head and says she's going home first, that she'll go with Jeonghan because the accident isn't in Seoul and, even if he didn't mention it, she knows he needs her with him.

"Update us?" You try to be calm for her, your palm caresses her arm in comfort.

"I will." She bites her lip in worry, looking at the map on her phone that indicates the location of the taxi she's just ordered. "She's… she's on a trip with her friend and she's supposed to come home today. But there's an accident on Seocho and it's quite a big one because a loading truck caused it."

You blink at the location, the transition between your heart dropping then speeding up as the worst case scenario goes through your mind is a matter of seconds. Yuri would need to go through Seocho too on her way back from Suwon.

It's only 3PM now. If she's on a business trip, surely she would go home later in the evening, right? Fuck, your phone is in your bag and you can’t take it without waking your nephew. You just had to put it on ‘do not disturb’ too, though you’ve made sure to let it ring if a call goes through.

Your tendency to spiral into worst case scenarios makes it hard to convince yourself everything’s fine because it hasn’t rung. You’re dying to just call Yuri and listen to her calling you dumb for worrying; because she’s okay and she’ll be home in a few hours. That you need to calm down because she promises she’s okay.

Jisoo doesn’t seem to notice the shift in your mood due to her own stress, but Seungcheol does and he doesn’t address it until Jisoo bids you two goodbye along with a soft kiss on Seungyoon’s head. He shifts closer to you, his palm reaching your shoulder before he asks if you’re okay.

“Can you get my phone, please?” You say instead, the tremble in your voice worries him. He goes through your bag like you ask him to, then hands you the device as he notices the way your arm tightens around Seungyoon.

You’re so tense that he almost reminds you to breathe, he sees you scroll but it seems like you find nothing by the way you’re biting your lip. Then he sees you type, another sigh escapes your lips as you anxiously stare at your screen. Before he can ask if something’s wrong, you bring your phone to your ear, an endless ring greeting your ear because whoever you’re calling isn’t picking up.

“Okay, talk to me.” Seungcheol finally says, his voice soft but firm. The way you’re looking at him isn’t helping at all, and he sees you gripping your phone like it has personally wronged you. “What’s wrong?”

“Yuri is in Suwon.”

“Okay?”

“She–she’d need to go through Seocho to go back to Seoul, right?” He nods, finally grasping your worry. “She’s not replying to my texts nor my calls and I’m–I don’t know, I’m freaking out.”

He doesn’t want to brush off your worries, because he knows how much Yuri means to you and he understands how your train of thoughts might’ve gone in the short span of time between Jisoo’s news and your current condition. But he’s not sure how to calm you down without sounding like he’s downplaying your worries; so he takes the one route that he knows would at least remind you that you need to get it together.

“Hey. Breathe, okay? You’ll wake Seungyoon up.” He whispers like it’s a secret, and you take a long, deep breath as you nod. Seungcheol has always had that effect on you; to make you calm down and be your pillar when you need someone to be. Jisoo is a little blunt and harsh at times, another type of friend you’re glad you have in life because you definitely need someone like her to knock senses into your head. But that means you don’t always go to her when you’re looking for comfort and validation. That role is Seungcheol’s and, while he can be strict at times, he’s better at sympathizing with your feelings (or everyone else’s, really) than anyone. “Maybe Yuri’s in a meeting and she’s not with her phone?”

He’s probably right, but the feeling inside your gut is starting to root deeper and deeper within you the more time passes by, it’s ugly and it’s unpleasant. Like you can feel something is going entirely wrong though you can’t tell if you’re making things up or not at this point. You try to find comfort in Seungyoon’s sleeping form, his cheek pressed against your shoulder and his arms limp on his sides.

It works along with the deep breath Seungcheol reminds you once again to take, and when your phone does ring thirty minutes later, it’s Seungcheol who takes it because Seungyoon squirms in your arms at the sudden noise.

It’s an unknown number, but the way his jaw tenses at whatever he’s hearing is making your heart twist with worry. You can’t even try to understand what they’re saying, because Seungcheol doesn’t say anything but ‘yes’, but it must be important if he’s still listening, and the last thing you heard before he hangs up is not a sentence you wish to hear in midst of your worry. We’ll be there as soon as possible. Thank you for informing us.

The way he looks at you makes your throat tightens, you can probably feel dread at the tip of your tongue. You hold Seungyoon tighter for the sake of your sanity, the toddler has fallen back to sleep. When Seungcheol speaks, your eyes blur with tears and you hate the way you already know what he’s saying before he even finishes his sentence.

The one time you wish you were wrong, you just have to be right.

“Yuri’s in the hospital. She’s in the ICU and we need to get there immediately.”

You’re trying your best not to bawl on your way there, thankful for Seungcheol as he drives as fast as he’s allowed to, Seungyoon no longer asleep but cluelessly plays with your hair as he obediently stays on your lap. It’s like he knows you’re not okay, knows not to throw a tantrum and not to ask to sit by himself at the back like he usually would.

Like he knows you need him with you to keep you sane.

Seungcheol looks calm, but the way his palm grips yours obviously indicates otherwise and you try to distract yourself from all the worst possibilities in your mind by thinking of how lucky you are to have him with you of all people. You know he’s worried out of his mind too, but he still takes your hand because he knows you need it, knows that it helps to keep you grounded even if you have your nephew on your lap.

It doesn’t last for long though, and you don’t know what to think of Seungcheol’s lack of explanation. Yes, he confirmed that Yuri is also involved in the same accident as Jeonghan’s sister, but he didn’t say anything else. But does he really need to when he’s already said Yuri is in the ICU? If she had been okay, she would be in the ER at most; but they felt the need to take her to the ICU and that must be saying something.

Did the speaker not say anything to him? Or does he simply not want to give you empty hopes?

“Hey.” His voice brings you out of your trance and you squeeze his hand out of reflex. “I’ll be here, okay?”

You tear up again and nod, your arm that’s around your nephew tightens.

Seungyoon shifts at this, buries himself in your neck and wraps his arms around your neck like he knows you need it more than you do.

[✾✾✾]

Jinyoung is already there when you arrive, and he hugs you tight like he’s preparing you for bad news, like he needs to calm you down because whatever follows after isn’t going to be pleasant.

Seungyoon is in Seungcheol’s arms, breaking the older man’s heart by asking why they’re in the doctor’s place over and over again. Seungcheol assures him he’s not going to get shot when the toddler almost cries saying he doesn’t want to see the doctor today, promises to buy him ice cream later on if he doesn’t cry and stays in his arms.

“Is… is it bad?” You manage to choke between your tears. Jinyoung is rarely unkept, but he’s disheveled and if he’s like this then you don’t know if you want to hear what he has to say. You’re sure the doctor has filled him in on something, Jinyoung is registered as both your and Yuri’s emergency contact and if he’s here before you do, they must have told him something.

He takes a few moments to compose himself and arranges his words, his hands holding yours like it’s his lifeline.

“They aren’t sure she’s going to make it.”

More tears spill out of your eyes, though you try to contain your sob because Seungyoon is right behind you with Seungcheol, though when Jinyoung gives your friend a look, he’s quick to take Seungyoon somewhere out of sight so you can finally cry, cry, and cry until your tears dry out.

Yuri might not make it. You swallow the words like needles between your throat, your lips trembling as you stubbornly try to contain your despair. But when Jinyoung pulls you once again into his chest and whispers words of comfort you wish you could tell Yuri who’s by herself in the operating room, the dam breaks and you grip the front of his shirt like it’s the only thing you know how to do.

You don’t want to think of the worst case scenario. Don’t want to think of a life without your sister. But how can you not when you’ve been there in front of the OR for two hours? How can you not when your consciousness is going in and out of your head and the only thing that reminds you you’re awake is Seungcheol’s soft breath and the steady pattern of his heartbeat?

“Drink something?” He asks, his voice hesitant. You haven’t talked at all since Jinyoung told you Yuri might not make it, and you’re thankful Seungcheol doesn’t force you to either when he comes back with your nephew in tow. Jinyoung fills him in quickly between whispers before taking the kid with him and Seungcheol doesn’t waste a second to hold you because you look like you’re seconds away from fainting.

You shake your head even though your throat is dry and you honestly feel like you’re about to pass out any moment now. The only thing that’s keeping you here right now is Seungcheol: he’s basically plastered to you and he refuses to let go of you since earlier, which you appreciate so much because you don’t know if you even have it in you to sit straight without him by your side. You’ve just been spacing out in his embrace for two hours straight, his arm around you and your forehead on the juncture of his neck.

“Mommy?” Seungyoon’s voice brings you out of your trace, and you find him with Jinyoung, though the boy immediately lets go of his hand once he sees the state you’re in. Seungyoon only calls you that when he thinks you’re sad, a nickname that Yuri has always encouraged him for because even if he doesn’t have a father, she makes sure to let him know that he has two mothers who would do everything for him and you’re one of them.

He calls Yuri Mama, and he usually calls you ‘Mi’ because it’s easier than ‘Mommy’. He very rarely calls you by the latter because no one refers to you as such and he’s not used to it most of the time. But he knows you usually smile when he does it, which is why he only calls you that way when he thinks you’re upset.

“Mommy okay?” He climbs into your lap, making your eyes water once again. God, this precious child might lose his own mother and he doesn’t know. He doesn’t know a thing and you pray once again to every deity in existence that you wouldn’t need to tell Seungyoon he wouldn’t be able to see his mom again.

He frowns when you don’t giggle like you usually would, though you do force a smile as you pull him into a hug.

“I’m sorry I left you with Uncle Jinyoung.” You say instead, not wanting to lie to the kid when you’re obviously not okay. “He’s boring, isn’t he?”

His small giggle warms you a little, but then he shakes his head and tells you Uncle Jinyoung is fun today and he buys him food earlier. You hum as he continues to blabber, mouthing a ‘thank you’ to Jinyoung when he catches your eyes.

“Yoon, will you tell Mi to drink water?” Seungcheol hands the bottle to your nephew, knowing full well you can’t resist him. You pretend to glare at him, aware that Seungcheol knows how grateful you are with him by your side. Seungcheol has just texted Jisoo that you’re both in the hospital for Yuri, and she promises she’ll drop by as soon as possible after informing him that thankfully Jeonghan’s sister is okay even though she has a minor concussion.

“Mi, water.” He repeats after the older man, his hands can barely hold the water bottle straight.

You thank him as you take a gulp, only now realizing how thirsty you actually are. Seungyoon shifts to play with your hair, still blissfully unaware why you’re all in the hospital, though he’s just happy in his bubble to be surrounded by you and his uncles.

For a second, you let a little bit of hope pass through you. You hope it can stay peaceful like this, with Seungyoon in your arms as you pretend you’re waiting for Yuri to come home.

Yeah, you’re waiting for her to come out, aren’t you?

Right–you’re so going to give her hell for all the worry and tears she made you shed. For making you lose it in front of Seungyoon and making you cry in front of Jinyoung, of all people. Yuri is in for a lot of nagging once she wakes up. Sick or not, you’re still going to scream at her and you’re going to hug her tight because it doesn’t make sense how deep the dread she makes you feel right now.

Yeah, that’s what you’re going to do.

She’s going to make it. She might not wake up immediately after the surgery, but you’re going to do all that when she wakes up and–

Min Yuri’s family?

And you’re going to lock her in a headlock like you usually would when she’s being annoying–

We’re sorry…

And you’re going to bawl into her chest like you used to when you were six–

…tried out best…

And she’s going to laugh at you because she never knows what to do when you cry–

…too weak and…

But she’ll still hug you back because that’s what sisters are for–

…we’re sorry.

Because you only have each other.

Only have each other.

Had each other.

Your eyes get more and more blurry by the seconds, everything came crashing all over your body from head to toe, it’s getting harder to breathe, someone is holding you and—

You don’t know what happened after.

[✾✾✾]

On your eighteenth birthday, Yuri gave you a silver band and said you’re not allowed to take it off unless someone she approved of proposed. That you’re only allowed to take it off on your wedding day where she’d definitely be your maid of honor because who else would?

It’s a promise that I’ll be with you until I’m sure someone else will take care of you as well as I do.

You have never taken off your ring since then, never had any intention to, either. But now that you stare at it as you pack her belongings in her place, you want nothing but to rip it off your finger like it burns.

Didn’t she promise to be with you until then?

Didn’t she promise to make sure that whoever’s going to marry you is worthy of taking her ring off for?

Didn’t she fucking promise you she wouldn’t leave you behind like your parents did?

“Hey. Maybe it’s time to rest?” You look up at Seungcheol who’s hovering on the door. He looks only a little better than you are, but who can blame him when he hasn’t gone home at all since that day in the hospital? He’s been with you since then; Jisoo and Jinyoung take turns going back and forth, even Jeonghan stays for a bit when he has the time.

Seungcheol was with you when you spent that night in the hospital, when you cried next to Yuri’s body before they closed the coffin, when you went home with Seungyoon to your place because you couldn’t bear to go to Yuri’s place just yet, and now, when you finally gathered the courage to go to her place and pack her stuff because who else will?

“Don’t you have work?” You ask instead, feeling bad that he’s been with you basically 24/7 the past week.

“You know my work allows me to work from anywhere.” He smiles a little before taking the seat next to you on the floor. “Let’s get lunch? Seungyoon says he wants jjajangmyeon.”

Seungyoon. Your poor child. You don’t think he really understands what’s happening. Jinyoung had kindly taken over your role to relay the information to the kid, but he had simply asked if his mom was going somewhere when Jinyoung said he wouldn’t be able to see her anymore.

You’re sure he would’ve cried seeing you bawl if not for Seungcheol quickly pulling you with him and holding you in his arms as you tried your best to block your sob, barely making out the conversation between the two.

Mama is in heaven now.

“Is it nice?”

Hmm. The best. But you won’t be able to see her anymore.

“Even if I miss her?”

Yes. It’s too far and if she has to come here, she’ll get very tired and might even get sick. We don’t want that, right?

“But what if I want see Mama?”

Then you’ll have to wait until the sky turns dark and the stars are visible. Mama is one of the stars now. Is that okay?

“But… there are so many…”

Seungyoon is smart, though. Aren’t you?

“Hmm..”

Then I’m sure you’ll know which one is Mama?

“Mmm… Want Mommy… Where’s Mommy?”

“Mommy?” Seungyoon has been calling you that often now. You’re not sure if he’s simply too confused or if it’s because you’ve been looking too upset these days, but his small voice always makes your heart clenches in the most painful way possible because it sounds like he knows he can’t call his own mom anymore. It’s getting harder and harder to hear him call you anything of the sort because it reminds you that his Mama is no longer around. “Hungry.”

Jisoo looks at you in apology from the door. She’s been with Seungyoon earlier, telling him they have to pack his toys because he’ll be moving with you and no longer live there. The boy has been more quiet these days, and you feel bad because you think he’s quiet because he’s tired and he doesn’t know what’s happening; why you barely talk and why his mom is not here.

“Uncle Cheol said you want jjajangmyeon?” You say as you take him in your arms, the boy suddenly shy as he nods and buries himself in your neck. “Do you want to eat outside or here?”

“Out okay?” he asks, almost hesitant. Then continues to make your heart hurt when he says his next words. “Mommy always inside these days…”

“Oh, baby.” You bite your lip and murmur an apology against his forehead. The way you hug him is more for you then it is for Seungyoon, but he tightens his arms around you also and asks once again if it’s okay to eat outside. “We can. Let’s go with Uncle Cheol and Auntie Choo, yeah?”

Seungcheol opts to go to the jjajangmyeon place you used to go to during university instead of the one nearby. It takes almost an hour to get there, but he thinks you need it and he’s sure the owner of the jjajangmyeon place near Yuri’s apartment would definitely be asking about her–which you definitely don’t need.

It’s been quite some time since Seungyoon went anywhere too, so he figures he could at least give that to the kid.

“Been some time since we went here, huh?” It really has. The last time was probably a year ago or something, because life gets in the way and even though you’ve been saying you wanted to come here again, the both of you are always too lazy and the university seems too far away even if it’s not really.

Still, the owner recognizes you two and happily takes your order which hasn't changed since the time you were in university.

Apparently, the old lady hasn’t changed either, because her eyes sparkle with interest as she sees Seungyoon in your arms. You dread her question already, knowing what she’d ask before she even does.

But as much as you expected her words, nothing prepared you for her whole sentences.

“Oh my. Is this your kid? He looks so much like you. I knew you two would get married one day.” She says as she addresses you and Seungcheol, way too excited to notice the horrified look you share with your best friend, nor Jisoo who’s trying her best not to laugh at the sudden turn of events.

You don’t even get the chance to deny her statement, because she already turns back to the kitchen then returns just as quick, giving Seungyoon a pack of jelly that’s supposedly her grandson’s.

“What a nice kid.” She smiles at Seungyoon who thanks her with a cheeky smile, the boy clutches the jelly like you’d take it any moment now. “My grandson used to cry all the time at his age. What a nice mom you have, hmm? She’s brought you up really well.”

“Mommy the best.” Seungyoon replies cheekily, which concludes the conversation because that seems to be enough for the owner to leave your table.

Once again, you’re thankful Seungcheol is beside you as you exhale a deep breath and try to swallow your tears on his shoulder. This is just a taste of what you’d need to deal with more in the future; people mistaking you as Seungyoon’s mom and you’ll somehow get the credit for everything Yuri did to make sure Seungyoon grew up well.

It’s not fair.

Nothing is and you hate that there’s nothing you can do about it.

“Mommy?” Seungyoon tugs softly on your hair to catch your attention. “Feed me?”

You tear up again at this, because Seungyoon has actually been insisting on eating by himself the past few months, saying he’s a big boy and that he can manage eating by himself. Does he know? That you need him to depend on you? That you need something to distract you?

“Want Mommy to feed me.” He repeats, his voice faltering at your lack of response. How long have you been neglecting him? How selfish can you be, drowning in your own sorrow like Seungyoon hasn’t lost his own mother? He’s probably even more lost than you are, with Yuri gone and you disassociating for a whole week.

You’re lucky Seungyoon has always been a nice kid, that he simply accepts that his aunt and uncles were to take care of him for the week.

How fucking selfish can you be?

“Yeah.” You square your shoulder and drop a kiss on his head. It’s not only you that needs him, you remind yourself. Seungyoon also needs you and you’re going to give everything you have and more if it means he’s happy and healthy. “Mommy will feed you, okay?”

[✾✾✾]

A/N: i hope you enjoyed this aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa pls do send me your thoughts and feedbacks through ask or anything bc i'm still a writer that needs ur words to continue writing lol<3

series taglist: @cheolctrl @nap-of-a-starr @shiningstar-byulxx @itsveronicaxxx @shuahoshiscoups

➝ taglist is open, pls send me an ask instead of replying to the post so it's easier to keep track of the taglist!

[I don’t allow any reposting or translation, so please do tell me if you find anyone reposting my works. You can only find me on tumblr or my Ao3. –wonwoonlight.]

#caratwritersclub #seungcheol angst #scoups angst #seventeen angst #seventeen fluff #seventeen au #seventeen fic #seventeen imagine #seventeen scenarios #seungcheol scenarios #seungcheol fluff #seungcheol scenario #scoups imagines #scoups scenarios #scoups fluff #scoups fanfic #seventeen x reader #log: everything and more

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chimielie · 1 year

Text

there are many benefits to being a marine biologist

summary: Goshiki x F!Reader. Ponyo!AU. one part fairytale, one part growing up, one part love language exploration. you fall in love with a human boy and then move mountains to find him again.

word count: 8.7k

cw: nothing. gets better as it progresses imo

a/n: i started writing this maybe two years ago for a contest held by two users who are now both inactive i think? the outline for this planned for like two more acts, but i thought it should stop rotting in the drafts and i like it as is now. i do have quite a lot of worldbuilding not in the fic (mostly regarding goshiki's family, who i named after the original ponyo characters lol) so please, if you happen to read this and have questions about this little story that's been living in my head, feel free to ask :)

The day before he finds you, it storms like the world is going to end.

Seawater washes into the road as the sea swells in thick knots, rising and never quite falling as far as it should. Blooms of white—foam and algae and debris, and drowned souls if folklore was to be believed—swirl on the surface, which waits to break against the cliffs until the wave inflates to grotesque proportions, as though it’s a fist hammering against a wall. The wind tries to match the hysteric sea’s beat, and comes screaming in from the horizon, wrapping around whatever it finds in its path if it cannot blow through it and squeezing like a python. With it blows in the fog, until the atmosphere brings a river of milk, writhing over the pine islands so they become black spikes against which the ocean hammers.

Tsutomu stands against the back door of his home on the cliff, hands pressed to the glass, careful not to let his breath obscure his vision any further than the mist already was. Even inside the house—where the air is still warm, where the wind can’t creep in—he can hear the crash of waves and the shriek of the typhoon, even if they’re reduced to a low-crooning song punctuated by the steady rhythm of his mother’s voice.

“Transmitting from JA4LL. JA4LL. Come in, Koichi. This is Risa and Tsutomu.”

She’s been speaking steadily into the microphone for a few minutes already, and Tsutomu pads over to press his cheek into her side, fists his hands into her shirt while she pats him on the head. When the headset crackles to life, he jumps and she doesn’t. His parents’ voices wash over him warmly, and he relaxes, hoping the weather will calm soon so they can all go to Tashirojima together.

Sound asleep in a bubble deep beneath the sea, you don’t even know that there’s a storm on the surface.

“Wake up, girls.” You wake when your father speaks to you, swim eagerly to the border of filmy water and press your nose to it in a sort of nuzzling good morning kiss. “I—yes, good morning, hello—I said I’d take you all to work with me today, if you’d like—stop pressing on the bubble, you’ll pop it!”

You do happy flips when you’re let out of the little aquarium, linger at the back of the school of your sisters as your father quickly becomes engrossed in his work. He’s often distracted and always scatterbrained, but centuries of experience have made him an expert at marine wizardry. There’s little he loves more than his work, except perhaps your family, but he’s unfamiliar with the care and keeping of young goldfish and your mother is away right now.

This is how you slip away: with discretion from your sisters, distraction from your father, and a rush of excitement you’ve felt almost never in your entire life. It’s not that you don’t love your family, that you want to run away; it’s just that your sisters are all still babies, freshly hatched, and you get bored in the little bubble, always having to watch your father work and never getting to do anything. There’s no room for anxiety in your fish-body as you swim towards the surface, wriggling your fins frantically and buoying yourself with upward currents whenever possible.

The first sight of sunlight streaming through the aqua is mesmerizing, and you kick doubly hard for the remainder of the journey.

The surface is the most incredible thing you’ve ever seen. Exhausted from the swim, you flop onto your back on top of a passing jellyfish and stare in wonder at the coastline. There’s a road, and little metal vehicles crossing it, and houses tucked into every crevice in the hills. There are jagged cliffs that look like they were hewn in half by some godly hand (one of your uncles, maybe). And on top of the tallest cliff, there’s a little house, so small you can hardly see it, yellow and red and white, and you find yourself fascinated by it.

When he wakes, Tsutomu finds himself in bed, his eyes stuck together with leftover sleep. He remembers, just barely, being carried by his mother’s strong arms to his room, the press of her lips to his forehead. It’s not an unusual occurrence, so he starts his day as usual. Breakfast is leftovers from the fridge, his mother is still half-asleep sipping coffee at the breakfast table (she’s always groggier after a late night up speaking to his father), and he walks down the path to the beach, carefully balancing his favorite toy—a beach ball light enough for him to carry and shaped like a volleyball—in his arms.

It’s clear today, almost like there was never a storm at all. The sky is a cheerful blue dotted with puffy white clouds, the temperature warm enough to only require a t-shirt, not cold enough to make him uncomfortable. The sun shines down on the beach with a smile, the morning light nearly shining a spotlight on the red lump just above the waterline.

“Eh?” Tsutomu says to himself, walking closer and struggling to peer past the bulge of his volleyball. He sets it down carefully, stopping it from rolling away with his foot, and bends at the waist to look closely at you.

You stare, eyes bulging, back up at him. A little boy, the likes of which you’ve never seen before, fringe falling into his face, is the most magical thing you’ve ever seen.

“A goldfish!” He declares triumphantly as he identifies you. “Hello, Miss Goldfish.”

You flap a fin at him as best you can. He giggles and scoops you up in both hands, wading into the water and holding you just beneath the surface so you won’t dry out. You spin in his hands, and nuzzle his chubby palm.

“Tsutomu!” Someone calls from above. “Time to go!”

“That’s my mom,” Tsutomu says to you. “We’re going to work at the senior center. Well, she’s going to work, and I get to go to school right next to there, ‘cause I’m five years old.” He adopts a wise expression. Five is the oldest he’s ever been, and it feels very big. You splash. Me too! Me too! “It was nice to meet you, Miss Fish. My name is Tsutomu. I hope I see you again. Bye bye!”

He lets go of you gently, and turns to find that his ball has rolled into the water, a little too deep for him to reach without soaking his clothes. You, still watching the curious human boy, see the frown on his face, the tremble of his lips and watery eyes, and dart off quickly. When he looks down, you’re gone. He stands on the sand in front of the ball, watching it float further away, listening to his mother’s increasingly aggravated shouting for him to come up from the beach, and feels stuck with the tide of unhappiness rising in him. He reaches up with one fist to wipe at his watering eyes.

Shock overwhelms him when a stream of water hits the ball, pushing it against the current, intermittent splash carrying it all the way back to shore. His eyes stop watering from the pure amazement of it all as he watches a little red spark flash with every spurt of water, and he has to shake himself before wading back in to grab it.

“Thank you, Miss Goldfish,” he cheers when he finally lifts the ball clear of the surf. “You’re amazing!”

There’s nothing but pure childish admiration in the words, which makes you as happy as he is. You like this boy! He thinks you’re amazing!

You flip in the air, coming down with a splash that sends droplets of saltwater all the way to Tsutomu, who shields his face and twists his whole torso away with shrieking laughter.

“Tsutomu!” You say happily. He untwists to look at you, bobbing in the water.

“You said my name! You really are amazing!”

“Tsutomu!” You cheer, and then again for good measure.

“Tsutomu!” His mother roars, coming into view on the beach, and her ferocious tone hardly seems to dent his mood.

“I have to go now. Thank you a lot, Miss Goldfish,” he waves at you and begins walking back to his mother, who’s standing with her hands on her hips and her lips set in a scowl.

“Tsutomu!” You say in farewell, and begin the swim back home.

“Mom, I made a friend! I saw a goldfish, and she talks, too. She said my name! Isn’t that so cool?” Tsutomu bounces up to his mother with his fists clenched and raised in the air, as though he’s declaring victory, and her irritation dissipates almost immediately. She laughs and swings him up onto her shoulders.

“That is cool, but we’re going to be late. Think I can drive over before they open the drawbridge?”

You’re lucky your father doesn’t notice and you know it. For the rest of the month, you listen attentively as he explains, half-mumbled and face pressed up against a blackboard, the things he believes children ought to know: potionmaking, mostly, the way that those potions affect the environment, and the filthiness of humans. You try your best to be good, but you file as much information about magic away as you can and know in the deepest depths of your heart that it’s so you can see Tsutomu again.

You sneak away again, maybe every month, and rarely have to wait longer than a few hours for Tsutomu to come rushing down the path from his house, huge smile on his face, shedding his backpack and shoes. During low tide, he can reach what becomes a tide pool, and often he shows you things from his day-to-day life. You love hearing him talk, sometimes practicing human speech by following along with his words. He gives you a name, better than the one your father calls you, you think, shaping it in your mouth. While you watch with great interest, you never bring him anything.

You are a fish, after all.

As the years pass, your visits to the surface become more infrequent. You worry about your human-hating father catching you, and your education has intensified as you age. Your little sisters are starting to grow up and, though they’re still captivated by stories of your Tsutomu, you worry about fostering jealousy of the dry world in them. One daughter your father may not notice missing for a day, but where one of your sisters go, almost all the rest will follow.

“What does Y/N mean?” You ask innocently one day, when the two of you are eight years old. You bob in the water, and he sits on a rock, the surf spraying up around him but never reaching high enough to soak him.

“Mm,” he says, looking down and kicking at a pebble. “Beloved.”

“Really?”

“I don’t know,” his grin is childish, and the effect is only lightly diminished by the way he’s clearly struggling to maintain eye contact with you. You splash him, and he shrieks and falls into the water. Both of you come up giggling. Whatever the true meaning of his name for you, you know that whenever he says it, that’s what he means; and that is all that matters.

Although he waits patiently for you for many years, Tsutomu tells you one day with a serious face that he’s going to be going to school further away, in Sendai, and will have less time to spend watching out for you. You have a year left before this happens, he says, so your visits resume a near monthly routine. Sometimes, you simply spend hours after he’s left staring at the house on the cliff and imagining living there with Tsutomu and loving him the way he tells you his mom and dad love each other.

When he leaves for school, crying a little while you blink up at him, you absorb yourself in your studies. When you really, really miss him, you swim up to the surface and remind yourself that someday, you’ll be old and strong enough to live up there with Tsutomu. The next time he sees you, he’s twelve years old. People call him Goshiki-kun, not Tsutomu-chan, and his voice cracks when he speaks. On the train ride home from school, he worries that you’ll laugh at him, like his peers do, that the way he’ll surely tear up upon seeing you is unmanly.

It’s July, the month of salt-making rituals, and this becomes the marker of your visits to Tsutomu. To his immense relief, you still call him by his first name, you don’t laugh when his voice breaks, you throw your whole body at him to smack his cheek like you’re trying to hug him with your fins. You missed him as much as he missed you, he can tell, and the both of you spend hours catching up. You get two more years before disaster strikes.

The day you’re due to visit the surface, it storms again. You know what lightning is, now, know the acrid scent of sky-fire splitting the air, the brutal strength of riptides and currents. When you break into the air, you find that a gray mist lingers over the bay and the mood of the few people you see appears dismal. When you look up to Tsutomu’s house and see that it shines as cheerfully yellow as always, that yellow and red seems to creep into your bones until you feel sure that everything is alright. This is a kind of magic your father has not yet taught you.

This has always been your secret, safe harbor. You don’t expect anything to go wrong here—not when you’re accustomed to submarine chemical vents and shining anglerfish in the deep blue depths. Here it has always seemed safe, calm, kind.

You learn today why your father despises his former kin so much.

There’s silt in the water, probably stirred up by the storm that took away the cheeriness of the sky. One fish swims by you, its eyes bulging frantically. Then another, and another. It’s only when an entire school passes in the same direction that you hear the ship coming closer and realize that you should probably be heading that way yourself.

You’re too late, and so are the rest of them—something huge, bigger than the mouth of a whale, you think it must be, traps you, pressing you together with sifting mud and other scales and glass, like your father’s bottles. You try to move your tail and push yourself out, but you’re packed so tightly in with a million others doing the same that the action is impossible.

You’re starting to panic.

Then, the boat attached to the net you’re in swings around, taking you and everyone else with it, and you find yourself face to face with a glass jar. Worse, you find yourself slowly being pushed into it by the sheer unluckiness of your position and the crush of animals trying to escape the churning mud and human garbage.

You push more frantically than before, thrashing your entire body violently.

“No, no, no, no!” You wail, the words bubbling in the water. Then you fall through a gap in the net.

Unable to right yourself in time, you find yourself stuck halfway into the jar, and your wriggling only makes it worse.

You can’t—you can’t breathe. This was a mistake. You’re so scared.

You have to take the last resort. You send up a prayer to your mother—please, don’t let him be too angry—and send out a spell with the last bit of energy you have. A signal that will ripple all the way to your father.

You run out of oxygen, and everything goes black.

Tsutomu has been waiting a long time by the beach. He got up early to watch the sunrise, carrying a thermos of hot tea with him as he sat by the water and wondered what your life was like through the months you don’t see him. As he wakes more fully and the air starts to warm (though not by much) he walks alongside the waterline, testing how far he could go in without getting the hem of his pants wet, how long his toes could stand immersion in the cold seawater. He ponders why you keep visiting him, year after year, bringing him good luck and sunny skies.

You’re more to him than a symbol, though; you’re amazing.

As he settles himself, he starts to walk back to the tidepools, hoping you’ll be there. He knows it’s a little early for your visit, but you’re unpredictable; besides, he’s sure you care about your weird human friend as much as he cares about his fishy one.

Near the stairs, something rolls on the sand, flashing gold. Tsutomu squints at it, then picks up his pace. Shit, shit, is that—

It is. He picks up the jar, lips pressing into a pout when he sees that you’re unmoving. He runs up the steps to his home, taking them two at a time, all the while talking to you like you can hear him through the glass barrier.

He collects a bucket and stands next to the garden hose, trying to shake you out of your jar. He thinks that it would require too much force than would be safe to get you out, but you’re clearly suffocating in there. He squats on his heels, turning the jar over in his hands and wracking his brain for a solution.

“Tsutomu, you’re gonna be late for practice!” His mom rounds the corner, startling him, and he drops you. “Tsutomu—what was that?”

You’re out of the jar, but now you’re lying in pieces of shattered glass. Eyes round in distress, Tsutomu snatches you up and plops you into the full bucket of water.

“Nothing,” he says, voice suspiciously shaky.

“Okay, well, we’ve gotta go, so get in the car now.” She jerks her thumb towards the vehicle. He nods and peeks into your bucket. You stare up at him, as alert as ever, and he breathes a sigh of relief.

In the car, you swim happily in circles, raising your head out of the bucket to peer out the window.

“What’s in the bucket?” His mom says with interest, and he presses a hand over the opening of the bucket, trying not to giggle as you nuzzle his palm.

“It’s for a group science project—Mom, watch out, you’re gonna make it spill!” She side-eyes him, knowing her son has never been so conscientious of a school project or of his own messes before, but lets it slide. There’s no point in prying when there are only so many options to be found on the beach. The worst that can happen is that he lightly traumatizes some sea creature, and she doubts that Tsutomu’s conscience and childhood obsession with marine life could let him do that. Besides, she smiles to herself. The sea is basically in his blood.

Tsutomu rushes out of the car, managing only a “Thanks-Mom-love-you-goodbye!” before he’s dashing to the gym, gaze bouncing between your bucket and the ground to avoid tripping so fast watching his eyes makes you dizzy.

He sets you down on the bench closest to the court.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” He whispers, picking you up to make sure there’s no glass embedded in your skin.

“I’m okay!” You beam up at him. “Tsutomu rescued me!”

He smiles at that, blushing faintly, pretty eyes squinting, and you pop out of the water to splash him lightly.

“Hey, I have to practice in this,” he frowns.

“Sorry,” you say, abashed, but he shoots you a small smile and you know it’s alright.

Listening to Tsutomu explain volleyball is entirely different from watching him play it. You didn’t really understand it when he spoke, before, but now you understand the difference between a fishing net and a volleyball one, as well as other crucial aspects of the game. There’s a lot of yelling, and squeaking, and it’s a little hard to see from inside your bucket, but you don’t mind. You bob up every so often, trying to find Tsutomu on the court, though it’s hard when he moves around so much.

At one point, he jumps up and slams down the ball in what’s clearly a perfect line even to the untrained eye. Around him, his teammates burst into cheers (“Nice going, bowlcut!) and you get so excited you mimic them, whooping and doing a flip in the air.

“Eh? What was that?” Someone you can’t see says, and then Tsutomu is there, grinning widely at you from above, eyes watering slightly.

“Oi, Goshiki,” a boy with hair as red as your scales slides an arm around him. “What’s this you’ve got?”

Tsutomu opens his mouth, but you beat him to it, using the name he gave you without a second thought.

“Huh? Wow, you have a smart goldfish! Reon, come check out Goshiki’s goldfish!”

Reon simply looks at you and says, “Cool.”

“Be nicer!” The redhead says, smacking him lightly on the shoulder. “She can talk!”

“I can talk!” You echo. Reon repeats cool, unfazed.

“What are we looking at, Tendō?” A boy whose shirt reads Yamagata slows his jogging to a stop, one hand running through his hair as he looks at the red bucket.

“This is Y/N,” Tsutomu says. “I found her on the beach.”

“Are you going to eat that?” A voice deeper than the others makes you poke your head further out of the water than before. It’s a boy like the others, with greenish hair and a huge stature. He reminds you, oddly, of your mother. Big and bea-uti-ful!

“No!” Tsutomu yelps. “No, we won’t! Ushijima-senpai, sir,” he adds, voice calming to a lower pitch as he does.

“Are you sure?” Asks Tendō, a sly expression crossing his face. Tsutomu pushes him away hastily and steps protectively in front of you.

“Yes! I mean no! I mean—”

“Alright,” Ushijima-senpai says slowly. “Welcome to our practice, then. I hope you enjoy watching volleyball.”

“Enjoy!” You do another flip. “Watching Ushijima-senpai!”

“Okay—” Tsutomu says, picking up your bucket, looking around as he tries to find his way out of the circle of boys.

“What’s wrong with your fish?” A boy with long bangs and pointy features grabs the bucket and peers at you. You don’t like this pointy human. “Why is it talking?”

You say nothing, hollowing your cheeks in preparation to spit at him.

“Give her back,” Tsutomu narrows his eyes. “Careful, Shirabu.”

“Is no one else concerned about the talking goldfish?” Shirabu looks around at his upperclassmen. “What the fuck, Goshiki?”

“He’s right,” Ushijima says thoughtfully. “The fish could be a spy. For Karasuno, perhaps.”

“What?” Shirabu’s outraged yell is shortly cut off by Tsutomu’s fearful-yet-determined denial that you would ever do such a thing to him or to Shiratorizawa.

A deep sigh, sounding somewhat like it’s exhaling the speaker’s entire soul, interrupts them both.

“Can we please stop staring at Goshiki’s pet and get back to practice?” A boy with ash blond hair says, and immediately, a few of the others nod and disperse.

“She’s not a pet,” Ushijima says, while Tsutomu splutters incoherently. “Or sushi. She’s a friend of Goshiki. But you’re right, we should be practicing.”

“T-thank you, Ushijima,” Tsutomu says haltingly, eyes shining in admiration. “I really appreciate it!” The captain only needs to look back at him, his face unsmiling but not at all unfriendly, for him to continue. “And I apologize for distracting everyone, I’ll get back to work now! Thank you!”

The rest of practice goes smoothly, although you get a few lingering stares and an odd few minutes of interrogation from Shirabu while they’re on their break. He tries to explain that you can talk, and this is bad, and it’s a demon, to an old man with white hair, who merely hums when he looks at you and tells him to do an extra fifteen laps as a punishment for talking nonsense about magical goldfish.

Once the games have all finished and Goshiki’s changed into street clothing, though, something horrible happens. He’s picking you up, ready to transport you to his mother’s workplace so you can drive home, but then someone taps him on the shoulder. He startles, water sloshing over the sides of the bucket, and lifts up the bucket to his chest to prevent any further instability.

“Goshiki-kun,” a girl human says. “Could I speak to you outside?”

“Ouuuu,” you hear Tendō’s voice from across the gym. “Little bowl cut is receiving a confession?”

“Uh, um, yes, you can,” he says, and when you turn his cheeks are scarlet. “Let me just pack up the rest of my things, and I’ll m-meet you out there.”

“Sounds good!” She says, and you don’t like the cheery note of her voice or the way she brushes her hand against his bicep. You make a face up at Tsutomu, but he doesn’t seem to notice, lost in his own head.

You swim all the way to the bottom of the bucket, only to feel him poking you not a minute later.

“Don’t be grumpy,” he says. “Please? It’ll be just a second.”

You flap a fin at him and make an enthusiastic noise.

It is not, in fact, a second. You wait for an eternity (and you know about eternities) for the girl to stop stuttering her way through telling Tsutomu that she thinks he’s really smart, and she likes his bowl cut, and you can just see the word amazing forming on her lips before she says it. Her hand is stretching out, dropping something shiny into his hand, and you hate it, you hate it, you hate it.

You act before you think. Your cheeks puff up and you take a big breath in and then there’s water, all over her pretty pink cardigan. She shrieks and then starts to cry a little, and you stick out your tongue and blow a raspberry at her before diving back down, flipping your tail with sass as you go.

“I’m really sorry,” Tsutomu says frantically, offering her a wrinkled handkerchief. “It was an accident, I swear. I-I really appreciate your confession and, um, I’m glad you were comfortable enough soo that you could come to me, but, oh! My mom’s here, I have to go! Bye!”

You swivel and watch as he picks you up and bolts away; her tears seem to have dried a bit as she stares after him in bewilderment. Not for the first time, you wish you had two legs and hands to hold onto Tsutomu. You wish that you could stay on shore with him, and keep away all the girls like her forever.

You know it’s childish, but you don’t care. Does it matter that it’s an immature thought when it’s completely impossible?

In the car, Tsutomu is quiet. Even his mother seems to notice his pensive aura, and frames her questions about his day carefully to avoid sounding like she’s prying.

“What’s that?” She asks, and he unclenches his hand, looking as mystified by the object in his palm as you feel. It’s a pin, gold and pink and shaped like a heart. “Oh, my gosh, is that from your girlfriend, Tsutomu?”

“No,” he says immediately. “Maybe. I don’t know.”

You frown, bumping the red walls of the bucket, and he trails his fingers through the water. Something coppery floods your senses, and you dart over to nuzzle his hand instinctively. In his palm, there’s an angry red mark, oozing little droplets of blood. When you poke it, he winces.

It tastes weird when you lick it.

“Hey!” He jerks his hand out of the water. “Whoa.”

Where Tsutomu knew he had been pricked by the pin a few minutes ago, there’s no sign of injury, even though the water surrounding you still has a faint tint in places. You watch him with round eyes, and he offers you a smile and a pat on the head. Amazing.

“What did you think, Y/N?” You stick out your tongue.

“Girlfriends suck,” is your opinion. “Pbbbt.”

The wind blows the longer strands of Tsutomu’s straight hair to the side as he stands next to the garden hose, refilling your bucket with fresh water. Above you, the sky is a weak blue, it’s brighter shades concealed by layers of white mist. A lush, slightly overgrown garden is what hides behind the picket fence you can see from the seashore, full of plants that look so familiar to the kelp forests you’re used to, yet so different. The upper lands are so strange. You’re glad Tsutomu’s mom doesn’t keep her garden dry and cut into shrubbery, like some of the houses you saw on the way to his school.

“Who are you?” Tsutomu’s voice is stiff, like his form as he drops you into the now-full bucket of fresh water while you crane your neck to see past his legs.

“Where is she?” Booms a voice you know all too well. It cuts off when he sees you, lips pursed while you try to look as inconspicuous as possible. “Captured by a human boy? Bad, that’s very bad. Give her here—“

“No!” Your friend yelps. “You want to take her? Y/N, I’ll protect you.”

“Protection?” Your father sneers, his hair puffing up threateningly. “I felt her signal for help—very good, by the way, your spellwork is coming along nicely. Give her here, now, I’ll be drying out soon.”

“I don’t care! Y/N wouldn’t do that, we’re friends,” Tsutomu says, casting a glance down at you. You nod, your tongue feeling stuck.

“My daughter would not befriend a human—“

“Y/N loves Tsutomu!” You cry. A light blazes in his eyes at the words, and his posture straightens.

“And I love her!”

“Eh?” Your father looks between the two of you. “That’s nonsense, Brunhilda, you know what humans are like, and what’s a Y/N, anyway?”

“It’s me!” You flip in the air, surging with defiant energy. “It’s my name.”

You choke midsentence as a hand closes around you; the world goes up in bubbles, and all you can hear is Tsutomu screaming your name, over and over.

Over.

And over.

“Again!” You sigh and twitch your fins lazily, watching with hooded eyes as lines only you can see race across the model mountain, glowing faintly before they settle into the material. The warding spell is clean and simple, requiring no complicated incantations or strange ingredients. However, it needs time to sink in, and when a hermit crab scuttles over the map and right onto your now-invisible lines, the whole thing goes up in a puff of smoke.

“Y/N,” your father says sternly, having given up on Brunhilda some time ago, when you refused to answer to it. “This is meant to be a demonstration for your sisters. These spells require layering, you know, one spell to ward and a secondary spell to, in a way, ward that ward. This creates an effect…”

You say nothing, merely letting a current of water roll you onto your side, your eyes rolling up to stare at the ceiling. You can feel the sympathetic gaze of your father—you know that he didn’t intend for this to happen. He only wanted to save you; he couldn’t have known that Tsutomu wasn’t the threat. You know he worries about you when he thinks you can’t hear him. You hear his every prayer for your mother to come back, to make things right, to help you see things his way. It’s only on the third point that he loses you. You didn’t want things to be this way either.

When you lost Tsutomu, something inside you boiled up and nearly steamed over. You can only remember wanting to go back, to go home to him, desperately trying to rejoin him on land. You love your father, and you only want his understanding. He left behind his humanity for your mother; why can’t you gain it yourself for Tsutomu?

The lid had clamped down on that furiously bubbling emotion, and in response it had gone to sleep, simmering but never fully boiling away. At first, you had been unmotivated even to eat or wake when your sisters did. Four years later, you still miss him: you go about your day to day life just fine, but you lack your childhood verve.

Even now, you can feel yourself slipping into slumber, exhausted by just a few minutes of magic. Your father’s voice and the clamor of your sisters meld into a comforting hum, lulling you further. You barely register the feeling of your father carrying you to your aquarium, the whisper of his goodnight lost on your drowsing mind.

When he was fourteen, Tsutomu’s mother found him in the garden. There was a wet trail leading right off the bluffs, a red bucket lying on its side, and her son, sitting with his knees under his chin and crying his heart out. The garden hose was still on.

She didn’t ask what happened, just turned off the hose and crouched next to him, arm over his shoulders, until he looked up at her with puffy eyes and wordlessly followed her into the house.

Risa had always known that she could be a little sharp with her words, and so she used food to express herself more often when she wanted it to be soft and soothing. She mixed her son some tea, the way she had every time he’d gotten sick when he was little, slid two slices of bread into the toaster, and hoped that the warmth of what she gave him would travel into his heart and help it heal a bit. Tsutomu cried into the toast a little, once it had been lavished with butter and honey, but it was just sniffling and not silent sobs, so she didn’t mind much. Then they sat on the couch and she rubbed his back while old tapes of his very first volleyball games played on the TV.

Tsutomu never told her what had happened that day. He could tell that she was curious, but unwilling to pressure him, and he wasn’t sure how to explain it. She’d always spoken about you in the same manner most adults used to describe the imaginary friends of children, and correcting that assumption seemed beyond the dignity of the man he wanted her to see him as. He knew that she guessed that he’d knocked over the bucket and sent his fish back down into the sea, and it wasn’t an unreasonable explanation. Fourteen year old boys weren’t the most rational creatures, and he could very easily have been sent into a similar kind of spiral had the fish just been a regular goldfish. It wasn’t, though, and he’d never cried so hard over any girl since.

He misses you. Though it doesn’t ache as sharply as it did when the fear of facing off against your father was fresh in his mind, he still thinks of you with a pang of sadness. There had been a sense of belonging with you he knows was more than a fleeting feeling. He hopes you’re happy in the ocean, learning new magic and spending time with your sisters, and once you’re queen of the sea, maybe you’ll come visit him. He’ll show you his cross spike.

“Again!” Shirabu barks, and Tsutomu has no trouble complying. He empties himself of every concern outside of the game and slams down a serve, just outside of the zone he wants it to land in. Without prompting, he picks up another ball and does it again.

Over and over and over.

Electricity was already crackling in the air when he woke up.

Everything felt uncomfortable, like the pressure in the atmosphere would pop and the sky would fall down in flaming pieces around them. It’s gray, like it was the day you went home. You’ve been lingering even longer on his mind than usual, and he just hopes that the knot in his throat will go away if he hits enough perfect shots. It would probably help if his partner for the day weren’t allergic to acknowledging when he does something right.

“Alright, that’s enough,” Shirabu says. Tsutomu makes a face at him and serves one more ball, the sound of it hitting the ground echoing obnoxiously. These days, he and Shirabu are good friends, though they’re still hiding behind the thin veneer of antagonism they’d held for each other in their first years. Being teammates at Shiratorizawa means being bonded for life, after all. There’s no sense in fighting it. The powers that be (also known as Coach Washijō) are as inexorable as fate, after all.

During the school year, Tsutomu lived in the dorms, like most other academy students, but living a mere half hour ride away meant he often visited the school over summers, too. It’s a little bittersweet now to know that each day spent practicing in this gym could be his last; though he has some time before university begins, he’s not sure when graduates are supposed to lose access.

“I drove with my mom,” Tsutomu says, “so I’ll be meeting her at the senior center. You’re coming over to watch the Rockets game later, right?”

“Sure,” Shirabu says, slinging on his backpack. “I have to bring some homework, though, I have too much preliminary coursework already.”

“You asked for it, smartass,” teases his friend.

“That’s gonna be Doctor smartass to you.”

Despite the short walk between the academy and the senior center, Tsutomu is soaked by the time he walks inside. He’s careful when taking off his raincoat and shaking out his umbrella, placing it into the designated stand, stamping his boots on the absorbent mat a few times to be safe. Just past the welcome desk, he can see his mother, pushing rambunctious Mrs. Suzuki down the hall, probably to her daily bingo game, where she’ll fleece the other players just like she’s done every day for years. Mrs. Fukuyo is sitting near the terrace doors, gazing out of the big window at the wet world outside.

“Hello, Tsutomu-chan,” she says, beckoning him to sit down, taking his hand in both of hers. “Or should I say Goshiki? You’re an adult, now, aren’t you?”

“Basically,” he says, lifting his chin. “One more week.”

“Oh, yes, you’re very grown up,” she says. “I remember when you were just starting secondary school. You were a bit skinnier then, and you wouldn’t eat fish.”

Tsutomu flushes.

“A lot can happen in a week,” says Miss Itoh, who often plays Mrs. Suzuki’s partner in crime when she deigns to attend bingo, as she passes by. “You be careful, Tsutomu, with all this weather. It’s bad luck.”

“There’s always weather,” sniffs Mrs. Fukuyo. “And we need the rain.”

“I’ll take care, don’t worry,” Tsutomu says politely. “You do the same, please.”

“Good, good,” Miss Itoh sounds distracted. “Happy birthday. Keep out of the rain, you’ll get sick. And don’t go sailing.”

“Yes, ma’am,” he stands to bow as she leaves the room.

“She’s crazy,” Mrs. Fukuyo sighs, half-joking. “But even a broken clock is right twice a day. You’re a good kid.”

“Thank you,” he says, stiff and awkward, cheeks glowing red.

“Tsutomu, there you are. Sorry to keep you waiting, I’m done now,” his mother lands a hand lightly on his shoulder. “Hello there, Mrs. Fukuyo. Doing well?”

“I am, thank you,” says the elderly woman. “Just telling your son what a strong man he’s grown up to be. He’ll take good care of his mother.”

“I will,” Tsutomu says with conviction. His mother’s pride beams down on him like the sun splitting the clouds.

“Thank you,” his mother says. “The storm rages on; we should probably go.”

“The roads aren’t safe,” says the the woman at the check-in desk as they prepare their rain gear to leave. “You should stay here for the night, Risa.”

Her jaw tightens. “I need to be there if Koichi radios in. We’ll make it just fine, don't you worry.”

On a nondescript day in August, you wake up.

Something tastes different on the current, and you feel almost like you’re regarding the world with new eyes again. You remember, with fierce and reckless abandon, what it is to love.

“Good morning,” you greet your sisters cheerily.

“Good morning!” They echo back, beaming at you. They feel it too, you can tell.

You eat your breakfast with gusto, examine your scales and scrub each until they shine. You kiss every sister you see on top of her red-gold head.

“I want to see Goshiki,” you tell your father, watching as his hair stands on end at the name, bracing yourself so the surprised jolt of power he emits doesn’t knock you down.

“No,” is all he can muster for a moment. “The human world isn’t safe. Look at what happened to you the last time you went up there.”

“I would have been fine because of Tsutomu,” you say, “And I’m even more powerful now than I was.”

“It doesn’t matter,” he snaps back. “They taint everything they touch. You’d have to-to literally, actually become a human to return to the surface. I don’t want them taking you. I don’t want you to get hurt.” You take a deep breath.

“Fine,” you say. “Then I’ll do it myself.”

You exhale with controlled force, closing your eyes and concentrating on the slow beat of cold blood in your veins.

“What are you doing?” Starts your father, nervously, but you don’t hear as you focus intently on the warmth spreading through you.

Pop!

You open your eyes, magic still swirling around you, and beam.

“Feet!” You chirp. “I have feet!” A little more pushing, and—

“Are those legs?” Your father shrieks. “Stop this right now!”

“No,” you say fiercely, and release an explosion of power so potent it rocks you backward. Seconds later, you realize that you’ve blasted a hole in the wall and the barrier ward; seawater rich with plankton rushes through, followed by barracuda with bulging eyes and squirming eels. You have hands, now, and something odd is happening to your scalp. You use one of the new extremities to reach tentatively up and pat your head.

“Hair!” Your sisters, freed from their own bubbles by the commotion, float around you. A shock of hair has sprouted from your scalp like a crop of coral. It tickles your forehead.

“I did it,” you say quietly, breathless. “I’m human.”

You look around for your father, but only see the tail end of him dashing into one of his back rooms, his nervous muttering echoing around the room.

Perhaps if you were human from the beginning, your mother would have taken you to the sea, held your hand as you beheld the glittering waves for the first time, and warned you never to turn your back on the ocean. Alas, you weren’t and she didn’t, so you fall with no resistance forward when a rush of water slams into your back, grinding your face into the floor and sweeping you away while you flail your little hands helplessly.

You’ve only felt so powerless in the water once before. Scrabbling for purchase as you freewheel through the halls of your home, you catch your fingers—there’s still a little rush of joy from it, you made them, you have fingers—on the spokes of a great wheel and cling for dear life. It creaks and turns, and you yelp, your words turning to bubbles that rise and pop against the ceiling, against which the water now reaches. The wheel turns again, and you try to hold your breath (something you’ve never done before) as something in the door clicks. There’s a moment where you think it’ll hold, and then you rock forward a little more, and it swings open. The ocean, eager to fill everything and make it its own, changes its course, and you tumble into the room, eyes widening when you see the enormous cauldron filled with something richly luminous and golden. Even submerged, the scent of the potion is strong, reminiscent of plant rot and blooming flowers, the same perfume that your mother exudes. For a moment, you gain breath, lungs and gills morphed and confused, and then you’re pulled back beneath the surface and pushed right into the pot.

You shut your eyes, the golden glow permeating even through your eyelids, and oddly enough, you can breathe like it’s pure oxygen. You can feel your spell being taken away from you, your limbs becoming fins, and you open your eyes.

I want to be human, you cry. I want to see my love.

The cauldron erupts, pushing you out of it on the top of a geyser. You hear popping noises and try to stand, looking down to see several of your sisters caught up in the fount of bubbling-over magic, thrashing joyfully as they try to wave at you with suddenly huge fins.

You wave back, and gasp involuntarily when you see your own hand. Five fingers, covered with soft skin, veins carrying warm blood and strong bones beneath it. Your sisters may have grown far more in the span of the last few seconds, but you’ve reached an entirely unfamiliar size and shape yourself. You stretch your legs, examining your toes, the way your dress—the same color as your scales and a little iridescent, just like they were—flows around you, and beam at your sisters.

Thank you, Mother. You bow your head quickly in short prayer.

“Let’s go see Tsutomu!” You call out, and your sisters leap in answer. The surface world is so different through the eyes of a human. Your head is turned constantly to the shore as you race on the bubbling foam towards the highest hill you can see, a speck of yellow and red on top of it growing closer with every step. Lights turn on and off in the windows of homes, a thousand little fireflies glowing smaller in the distance. Trees, shivering and shaking in the wind, make up the landscape, shaping it into something that looks almost soft from so far above.

The broad panorama isn’t without more minor detail, though: with some fascination, you see two glowing eyes staring at you from along the road. Their owner steps out of the shadows—a furry creature with pointy ears and a tail and a sleek white coat of fur. Another cat follows him into the light, this one black and her eyes shiny green, unlike the first’s calm blue. The white cat rubs his cheek along the other’s, winding around her while she stands stock-still. Quick as a minnow, the black cat swipes at him, but the white cat darts away, checking over its shoulder to see if she’ll follow. You beam broadly and speed up, eager to situate yourself in this strange and exciting new world Tsutomu comes from.

Tsutomu can’t remember a time his mother’s spent the night away from home. Every night, without fail, if she knows that his dad will be in the harbor, she sits at home and waits for him, beaming their signal in start-stop patterns, having whole conversations with him in flashes when the radio reception isn’t to be used. It’s not often he’s away from home, either; it makes him uneasy to be away from the open sea. A closed horizon is a strange sight to him, like being a bug trapped in a bowl.

His parents’ commitment to each other has shaped him, something he’s always known. In sickness and in health, they swore to each other, and they kept it. For better or for worse.

His mother certainly seems intent on plowing through the worst to get to his father, now, the rain hitting their windshield in sheets and the water sloshing around their tires. Tsutomu doesn’t protest at all, just hangs on to the grab handle and stares out at the behemoth waves.

A flash of red shines in the corner of his eye. He sucks in a sharp breath, twisting fully around. He squints, trying to make out shapes through the rain.

“Get back in your seat,” his mother blindly swats at him with one hand, eyes focused on the road. “You’re throwing off the weight distribution.”

Tsutomu ignores her, white knuckling the cushions of the car as he watches you, dancing in the rain, running with the waves. You duck and weave, your dress red against the cold, gray sea.

“There’s a girl in the water!”

“What? Where?”

His mouth lies, but his heart knows the truth, knew it as soon as he saw you.

“There,” he points, but you pull ahead of them, and then there’s nothing but lightning flashing in the distance. “Never mind. Never mind. We just—we just need to go home, sorry.”

“Right you are,” his mother says, and drives the gas pedal into the floor.

Tsutomu is a shipwreck. Tossed around on the waves of his thoughts, he finds himself cresting and falling, one emotion followed immediately by another. It can’t be you. It is you. Tsutomu doesn’t care what you are, just that he can see you again. He wonders if this is what drowning feels like.

Their wipers battle to slough off the buckets pouring from the sky, and Tsutomu’s heart drops to his soles when a smudge of red reveals itself just to be his old bucket, hanging off the fence. His mom parks and he tries to regulate his breathing, unbuckling his seatbelt and getting out of the car on shaky legs.

“Is that…” His mother says, trailing off, and his head snaps up, the car blocking him from whatever she sees.

He walks around, trying desperately not to break into a run, trying not to get his hopes up.

Barely audible over the sound of storming, the pat-pat-pat of rapid footsteps is his only warning before—

You crash into Tsutomu, both faces scrunching up from the impact, both losing your footing on the wet pavement and falling further into each other. He knows it’s you even with his eyes closed. He would know you in every world and the next; he would know you from the beat of your heart and the touch of your skin and the way he loves you, loves you, loves you.

For a moment, before you hit the ground, you feel like you’re flying with him.

You spill together onto the driveway like an egg cracked into a pan, still holding each other in a bone-crushing embrace. You inhale his scent deeply and nuzzle into his wet-rain-jacket shoulder, and he cracks his eyes open, afraid you’ll disappear when he comes back to reality.

Tsutomu says your name quietly, on tenterhooks, almost all the breath in his body taken out of him.

You lift your head and say his louder, eyes wide and bright and wet. He can’t stop his tears from welling up, but he can blame them on the rain.

You kiss his cheeks where the salt might dry, one then the other, soft as the breeze. Tsutomu can still feel your smile, unfading. The sky turns gold around you.

#sorry that u are a fish for most of this. if i had written the rest of it u would not be a fish the whole time #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu!! x reader #hq x reader #hq!! x reader #goshiki x reader fluff #goshiki x reader angst #goshiki x reader #goshiki tsutomu x reader #goshiki tsutomu x reader fluff #goshiki tsutomu x reader angst #haikyuu!! angst #haikyuu fluff #haikyuu!! fluff #haikyuu angst #hq angst #hq fluff #hq!! angst #hq!! fluff

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seariii · 3 months

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Hi Seari 😭 sorry to flood your ask box again lol, but I just wanted to let you know how I appreciate how appreciative you are if that makes sense? You always take the time to thank everyone frequently, you’re eloquent with your words, and you just have this air of gratitude with you where ever you go. And I really admire that about you <3 I want to strive to personally work on that because it’s difficult for my brain to comprehend those kinds of things for myself, so I wanted to let you know how you’ve inspired me to work towards that <3 ilu and thank you so much for being you

aw rose.... this made me really soft.... i love you a lot, really. and dont apologize, you can flood my ask box with more than 20 questions/messages a day and i'll be extremely happy

serious talk for a little bit hahaha... ill put it under the cut because i started rambling and got a bit long.... YOU DONT HAVE TO READ ALL THAT OKAY???? just the last paragraph, thats a message for you

tldr of the serious talk under the cut: Unknown Mother Goose by Wowaka (i also really liked this adaptation) "Even if the world were to reject me today, would i still be able to sing a song of love?"

i never really thought about that, you know? i enjoy telling people how i feel about them, especially to people i love. and im thinking for how long have i done this... when did i start... im not entirely sure... i can go far back when i barely did it, but did it every once in a while like a birthday or when i started to notice the people around me werent giving up on me... and i can go back relatively recently where this feelings landed me in a kind community during covid...

in all honesty, i believe this feelings of gratefulness, of having to express them come from being scared of losing people... come from a lonely place... when you feel cold or have felt cold for so long that you dont remember much warmth, when you find that warmth its soft, gentle, and a little overwhelming... i have many problems connecting with people, and in my own brain, sometimes i feel like im all alone in the world... but... people are warm... people are kind... you, them, make it feel like maybe the entities around me arent just faceless shadows...

i joke with my bestie about how we are that meme of "nothing in life matters" but im the happy one and hes the existential one, but a lot of time i truly feel like that. and from that, makes it easier to enjoy the little sweet stuff, the sweetness of the people around me... and its impressive when i notice that sometimes it doesnt have any reason behind it, or that the reason is just love... its like my brain cant comprehend others doing stuff out of love for the world, so i always get surprised when someone does it for me (and oh boy have i been surprised to tears with you all pretty people)... i think life is a little silly and there isnt much meaning, but that gives us freedom... and that makes everything a person does beautiful...

... you know rose? thank you. i feel like im about to cry hahahahaha /pos ... thank you for always being so kind, so sweet to me, you make me feel like things are okay, and it genuinely makes me happy to see you or interact or talk with you. it made me really happy that you wanted to include me in the conversation, in the group. im someone who feels lonely easily, and the kindness you've shown me has really made me happy and... i really appreciate it... sometimes i say i dont have the words and still try to express myself, because i want to make my message get across... like right now in this paragraph hahaha.... you are someone who i really really appreciate and i just wish to see you happy and achieve everything you want. just know that no matter what, ill be rooting for you, you truly deserve everything in this world, thats how i feel.... im thankful and moved that i inspired you... i never thought id have that effect on people... thank you

#i'll infodump you about my last 2 kids after i arrange some stuff i have pending on my to do list #i love you a lot... and i love all the warm people where a lot...#MORE SEARI LORE IS DROPPING JSJSJSJSJS #sorry if it was heavy or anything #seari talks #seari answers

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ellecdc · 17 days

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mother… how in the world can u write and post SEVERAL banging fics in a single day & almost everyday (!!!), be the best cat mom, complete all ur schoolwork in time and thrive as a student +++ all the other responsibilities u have in life ??? this is queen behavior and i aspire to match this productive and creative energy u put out … do u have advice for us on how to be more like u 🥲🩷

okay, first of all I love you and I want to just give you a big ol' smooch right on the mouth.

secondly, I'd like to tell you that it's all an illluuuussssiiiiioooonnnn

I leave all of my homework and studying until the last possible minute; in fact, I had a presentation today that I wrote the script for within two hours of class 🙃 (still got laughs and a round of applause tho cuz my rizz is out of this fuckin world)

during school I live in the city and am minimum 3 hours away from anyone I know (i.e., I have no social life)

I've been (barely surviving but) lucky enough that I've been able to (sort of manage) attending school time and paying rent with the help of student loans and not need to get a job (so I can focus my efforts on school), money is tight and I don't have a bed frame but I'm fed, safe, and warm with the help of my mom. I won't be able to do it going forward though so I'll have to attend part time next year

I will accept the title of best cat mom though, I do think that is an area of my life that I do well lol

Ultimately, I'm not a good role model. We're all truly just doing what we can to get by and making it up as we go. And writing is something that gives me a lot of joy and a sense of purpose right now, so I lean into that. I don't see the point of denying yourself simple pleasures when there's so few nowadays, you know?

Maybe that's the queen behaviour - we're all so focused on doing things well that we don't focus on doing things simply for the sake of being happy. Be happy more. I gain nothing from writing other than the joy of talking to you all and getting to play basically an adult version of pretend, and that's enough!

#ask elle #not a role model #don't do what I do

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waltwhitmansbeard · 5 months

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a my fair lady playlist

a year ago today i posted the first chapter of my fair lady, which was supposed to be a little thing that i just needed to get out of my head after reading @romeoandjulietyouwish's for the love of a princess. 144 chapters and one year of obsession later, what i got is my biggest writing project to date. it was also my first real foray into the cr fandom, which has since become, frankly, the biggest part of my life, and i'm just endlessly grateful to each of you who read and interacted with mfl in any way. i'm so lucky to have gotten to share this with all of you.

so to celebrate, i have assembled a way-too-long playlist inspired by the events of mfl. the songs represent the moments and feelings that most stood out to me (or that i could find an appropriate song for, lol). it was fun trying to remember everything that happened (as of rn the entire fic is 450 pages in google docs so...there's a lot) and piece together the story through song. i've written a little blurb to justify each choice in the cut below, but you can listen to the playlist on spotify here! thanks again for sticking around!

1. "My Fair Lady" - KALEO as the song from which i took all the titles for the series, i couldn't not start off with this one. i can't even hear this song now without thinking of mfl.

2. "Security" - Joss Stone since this is a song about being there for a friend in a time of crisis, i thought it was the perfect choice for the beginning of keyleth and percy's lifelong friendship. percy showed up in zephrah traumatized and barely holding it together, and keyleth was the rock that kept him from collapsing.

3. "Best of Friends" - Pearl Bailey marisha put this one on one of her keyleth playlists to represent keyleth and percy, and she was right! is there any better song for those two growing up as best friends?

4. "Fountain" - Sara Lov keyleth grew up under the shadow of her mother's loss and the pressure of a nation's expectations. someone give this child a BREAK!

5. "Uptown Girl" - Billy Joel oh, you think this is about vax and keyleth? WRONG. percy is an uptown girl and vex is his downtown man coming to shake his world.

6. "Stay Awake" - London Grammar how many nights did keyleth and vax stay up with the moon, learning to love each other? who did they become with no one but the shadows and each other to watch them grow?

7. "goodnight n go" - Ariana Grande this song just gives me such intense vex vibes. she wants so bad to get percy out from under her skin but no dice, he's there to stay.

8. "Foolish Thing" - Darren Criss vax knows that he absolutely cannot be catching feelings for the princess for any number of reasons. but that doesn't stop him from being a dumbfuck in love!

9. "Sacrilege" - The Yeah Yeah Yeahs keyleth knows that she absolutely cannot be catching feelings for her guard for any number of reasons. but that doesn't stop her from being a dumbfuck in love!

10. "You Get Me" - Michelle Branch even though she grew up royalty, keyleth never felt like she fit in in her own world. she was always different, out of place. but vax sees her strange edges and knows the shape they make.

11. "Dreams" - Caroline Glaser keyleth is down bad! she can't sleep without vax there, and vax is more than happy to reassure her that she's it for him.

12. "Take Me to Church" - Hozier this is my pick for some night just seem forever lasting, because if there's one thing vax is gonna do it's worship on his knees at keyleth's altar.

13. "Holy" - King Princess keyleth is busy with a nation and a war but she has time at the end of the day to fuck her man, and that's what really matters.

14. "Into You" - Ariana Grande this one is for the true sluts of the castle, vex and percy. stay horny, you absolute lovesick fools.

15. "River of Tears" - Alessia Cara just absolute depression and forlorn longing from vax and keyleth both when they're forced to be apart. drama queens, the both of them.

16. "The Lightning Strike (Part I: What If This Storm Ends?)" - Snow Patrol remember that time keyleth summoned lightning and used it to strike a bunch of attackers dead? so do i, and so does vax. it was his first time being confronted with the possibilities of the wild power she wields, and it definitely isn't something he was ever going to forget.

17. "Rich Youth" - Hayley Kiyoko keyleth and tiberius were both raised in the shadow of powerful fathers, and they came together to advocate for a future that represents the nations they want to lead.

18. "My Immortal" - Evanescence thank you to @ravendruid for the suggestion! does anything say vaxleth more than melodramatic longing? this song is for all the lingering heartbreak as they tried (and ultimately failed) to stay apart for so long.

19. "I Don't Mind" - Darren Criss one of my favorite pieces of writing from mfl was keyleth's proposal to vax. he's so convinced that she'd be better off without him, and all she wants to do is convince him that he's worth all the trouble waiting them.

20. "Love Story" - Taylor Swift forgive me for adding taylor swift to this list but you gotta admit, it's very appropriate for the vaxleth wedding.

21. "Dancing in the Rain" - Johannes Bornlöf let me be indulgent! this is the song i picked to play while reading the wedding chapter, so ofc it makes the list.

22. "The Deal" - Mitski thank you to @crispysnake for the suggestion! i mean, this is absolutely vax carrying his dead wife's body beneath the castle and striking a deal with the raven queen to bring her back. it's like it's what the song was written for.

23. "Castle" - Halsey just big keyleth charging to the throne room to demand her father release vax energy with this one.

24. "Growing, Growing, Gone" - Theo Katzman korrin was confronted very suddenly with the reality that his little girl wasn't a little girl anymore. she has a whole life ahead of her that is outside of him, and that's hard for a dad to come to terms with.

25. "Kiki (feat. Iron and Wine)" - Rett Madison y'all, the way i SCREAMED when i first heard this song on rett's new album!!! i just imagine vilya trying to reach out to keyleth, to let her know that she's been watching and of course, of course she's proud of her, of course she approves of vax, of course she wants nothing more than for her baby girl to happy.

26. "Wildflowers (Tom Petty Cover)" - Miley Cyrus this song makes me thing of the little cottage on the hill, and of korrin's wish for his daughter to have a place where she feels free. he knows that the castle has never really felt like her home, and so he gives her and her new husband a place they can build a home for themselves.

27. "Bubbly" - Colbie Caillat this song is just the pinnacle of happy love. it's vax and keyleth waking up in their bed, in their house, in their love's arms. it's happiness.

28. "Sunday Morning" - Maroon 5 remember that time vex was like "this was fun but i gotta go home" and percy was like "but what if i was home?" and fluttered his lashes like a harlot? me too.

29. "Family Tree" - Matthew West pending fatherhood is terrifying, especially when your own father is a sack of shit. of course vax would doubt his own ability to be for his child what syldor couldn't be for him and vex.

30. "A Woman's Work" - Kate Bush the definitive anthem for women creating life. keyleth is a goddess for so many reason but especially for making a literal person.

31. "Dear Theodosia" - Original Broadway Cast of Hamilton just DAD feelings up in this bitch! vax is a dad and korrin is a dad and percy (eventually) is a dad! also there's a new nation coming just around the corner! the perfect song!

32. "Brother Run Fast" - KALEO to me, this song represents vax and percy's understanding that the horrors of percy's past are coming for vax's present, and the two of them will stop at nothing to fix what was broken. they are both desperate for forgiveness they do not need, and they are both determined to keep the other on course.

33. "Yours & Mine" - Lucy Dacus imagine telling keyleth of the air ashari to sit at home while her family and friends venture out to save her daughter's life. IMAGINE!

34. "Trials - Demo" - London Grammar what is keyleth and vax's relationship if not an endless gauntlet of trials from which they must continually find their way back to each other?

35. "Delilah" - Florence + the Machine this song is just...everything. it's delilah and sylas. it's cass and the ghosts of the castle she's caged in. it's vilya, crying out for her mother. it's keyleth, coming to kick ass with a daylight spell. it's percy, reclaiming what was his all along.

36. "Show Me the Way" - Styx vax went THRU IT during gocmh, and his turning to the raven queen was a move of absolute desperation. he needed his matron's guidance not only to get his daughter back, but to put the pieces of his life back together.

37. "Glory and Gore" - Lorde what can i say? vox machina fucks shit up.

38. "Work Song" - Hozier percy may die twice but that ain't gonna stop him from simping for vex.

39. "Happiness" - The Fray this song is about happiness, but it has such a melancholic sound to it, which really works for baby vilya's return to zephrah. yes she's home, which is an immense relief, but she's brought home to a tragedy. nothing is simple.

40. "Kingdom of One" - Maren Morris hey vallen: get fucked.

41. "Lullabye (Goodnight, My Angel)" - Billy Joel this is, to me, the ultimate father-daughter song, and in the context of mfl it makes me think of the unfinished letter keyleth found in her father's room after his death. just a reminder that even after someone dies, their love for those they leave behind never will.

42. "Starts With Goodbye" - Carrie Underwood i don't know what it's like to fundamentally reshape the structure of an entire nation in order to secure a more stable future for your child, but i imagine it feels like this!

43. "Matchstick" - American Royalty thank you to @ravendruid for the suggestion! sometimes self-care is setting the man who murdered your parents and helped kidnap your daughter on fire.

44. "Chords" - The Amazing Devil parents play such a big part in the story of mfl. the absence of keyleth's mother, the fact that her father is also a king, korrin being a father to percy, the twins confronting the father they fled, and of course, vaxleth and perc'ahlia becoming parents themselves. if there's anything they can take away from all of the heartbreak, it's wanting the best for their children, at the cost of everything else.

45. "Everywhere, Everything" - Noah Kahan had to end on some noah kahan in order to keep @crispysnake from gnawing at the bars of their enclosure. again, just the absolute vaxleth melodrama of "wanna love you til we're food for the worms to eat, til our fingers decompose." disgusting. i love them so much.

#my fair lady #critical role #mfl 1yr

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terra-feminarum · 5 months

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Hi. Sorry for the random message. But you seem really knowledgeable and I wanted to ask you a question. Or many questions as it seems from my paragraphs below lol.

I know you’ve stated transitioning is a capitalistic desire to become something you aren't in order to experience femininity, or whatever you desire to become, without the strings of being who you are, and that we are estranged individuals who run to fantasy when we can’t cope our reality.

I am an ace trans woman. I know it seems as if I'm a man, a man who wants to use femininity as a product to cure myself or to heal myself, just like everything else men use it for. Only I took it a step further because I wanted cheap approval.

Maybe I am those things, maybe I’m selfish, maybe I’m delusional. Maybe I’m no better than a drag queen who calls women “fish” or whatever.

But a part of me believes that it isn't that, that it runs deeper than that, and I would be lying if I said I didn't want this to be true. I've never wanted approval from anyone, and if I became invisible one day with no one to see me transition or change except myself, I believe I would be very happy. I remember reading a study that trans brains are more inherent to their gender than they are the predisposed gender attached to their sex. If I have the brain of a woman and the body of a man, where does that put me? Am I just a joke that God played?

I don’t know.

I know you mentioned that transitioning has always been purely physical. But for me it isn’t like that. I was already born with a body that overall, was feminine enough for me. Is it based off of stereotypes? Maybe. And maybe that makes me inherently selfish. But I’m ok with my body, at least for today.

I've always believed that I embodied feminine traits. I've always tried to be caring, I've always tried to give and receive. I've always tried to be emotionally strong, and I've always tried to be empathetic. Not tried in an imitation sense, but just really wanted to give it my all. Do what my mother and grandmother did in a sense, to follow in their footsteps. Maybe I have a flawed idea of what feminist is, but honestly who doesn’t? It’s been so skewed by societies expectations of women, that it’s like keeping track of an electric atom. But I have a deep feeling, that may or may not be flawed in of itself, but if anyone had a perfect idea on what things were we would already be on Mars in a utopian matriarchal society.

It's always been taken advantage of. A lot of men have called me gay, and when I tried makeup I was a drag queen. That always humiliated me, as if I wasn't really a woman, just a pale mocking imitation of one that men created. But maybe they’re right. I've always felt I had feminine energy. Is that too abstract? I really hope I'm right in a sense, but if I should give up now and go back. I don't know what to do.

Have I based myself on a lie?

Maybe this is the gender equivalent of chasing ghosts or taking pictures of UFOS. Striving for something that is ultimately pointless and fantasy. (Would you be surprised if I told you I believed in ghosts)

Are all trans women just strange offshoots of body modifiers who took advantage of femininity as a cure for their own self deprecation? I would be lying if I said I knew the answer.

All I know is that I’m not crazy. And I’ve never wanted to hurt anyone, or myself. All I’ve wanted is to become a vet, take care of my 4 dogs and 2 cat and make some difference in the world, and maybe pick up some gender along the way.

Sorry for the long read, thank you for your time. It means a lot. I think you have some of the most intelligent and nuanced tales I’ve heard in a while. Even if I don’t personally agree. Let me know if i misinterpreted what you’ve said. I hope this adds at least some sort of value to the conversation.

Hi, and thank you for your message. I like random messages.

I'm glad to hear you try to follow in the footsteps of your mother and grandmother when it comes to empathy and being caring. That's what all people should do, regardless of sex. Being like a good mother isn't a female virtue but something we all should strive towards. There have been times and places where striving to be like a good mother wasn't humiliating for men.

This is a bit of a tangent but I do have to disagree that in a perfect world we would have a matriarchal society on Mars. We would be here and our planet would be livable for all the future generations to come. Using valuable resources for pointless endeavors is a male fantasy. And by that I don't mean you believe that because you are a male but it's a fantasy of a male-dominated culture. I very much believe a good society wouldn't use natural resources and workforce like that. For most of our history humans were clever enough to live without leaving a trace. I think that is something we should also strive towards.

But this is off-topic. You seem like you're in distress. To me it sounds like you've had a lot of hardship with not fitting in and you're trying to find a way to make sense of that and find a way to feel like you belong. The way you've made sense of who you are is by claiming, or hoping, you're a woman.

You said you've always had feminine energy. You asked if that's too abstract. I have to admit I don't understand what is feminine energy. You wrote to a woman who is most of the time more or less dirty, has short hair, doesn't shave. I wear "men's" clothes and swear non-stop. Where is my feminine energy? Do you have it and I don't? Am I a woman? Or is my capability of empathy the feminine energy I have? Are men inherently devoid of it? How much empathy a man has to have before he stops being a man? These non-physical ideas of womanhood and manhood make me ask questions I've never found good answers to.

You also said you believe you might have the brain of a woman. This too, is a male fantasy, this artificial division between mind and the body. There can't be a female brain inside a male body. There can be an atypical male brain, sure, but it doesn't make it a female brain. I'm under the impression that those kind of brain sex differences have been debunked, anyway. But even if they weren't, our whole bodies are sexed. There isn't a separate soul that could be of different sex than your body. Women aren't oppressed for our souls but our bodies which are capable of creating life. A woman with a "male brain" would have been still forced to birth 12 children in the past. Our bodies are what the patriarchy controls.

Associating womanhood with certain personality traits or certain looks is harmful for women. We aren't a costume. The things trans women describe when they argue why they are women are stereotypes. If these stereotypes are a proof of womanhood, it hinders us from freeing ourselves of those stereotypes. To be free, women need to be able to be any kind of people. But now there's so many young women who believe they're not women at all because they don't recognize themselves in the stereotypes.

All this said, I don't think you've based your identity on a lie. Lying implies knowingly deceiving someone. I'd rather think you've based your identity on certain cultural concepts that help you make sense of what kind of person you are. I believe you find those beliefs comforting and have no bad intentions.

How I understand a lot of trans women are is that they are males who don't fit the social role that is expected of men. They feel more comfortable in the social role associated with womanhood. It's by no means easy to be a trans woman but it's easier to assimilate and think women as your peers, when compared to being a man who is everything a man isn't supposed to be and who is often very alone in his experience. As a trans woman you have a community, you have words with which to make sense of yourself, you have a feeling of sisterhood, maybe with other trans women, maybe with all women.

I'm all for gender non-conformity. Having a certain kind of body doesn't mean you need to act certain way, have a certain type of personality or prefer a certain kind of style.

So: What is a woman? A woman is an adult human female. It excludes males, like you. It doesn't mean I want you to change yourself. You have your personality, your values, your sense of style that fits you. Does it make you a woman? I don't think so, no.

We could, of course, broaden the definition of womanhood to include males. A lot of people like you find comfort in the idea. But we can't. We live in a patriarchy. It means male dominance over women. And we need words to talk about that.

Adopting an oppressed identity to fulfill your personal needs so you'd feel you belong hurts the oppressed people. Just a comparison: my values align a lot with what I've read about many indigenous peoples values. But I see those values through my western lens and can't even see the huge distortions I most likely have. My knowledge is second hand knowledge based on books and I have no idea what it's like to be indigenous. I have my own feelings of alienation as I struggle within my own culture and so I become attached to things I think I recognize myself in. But it doesn't mean I am indigenous nor does it even mean I understand those other cultures at all. I could be very mislead in my western fantasy. So what I need to do is to be in touch with who I really am and where I really am and create something genuine from that starting point. Something that aligns with my values and who I am. I don't need to appropriate an identity to carve a place for myself in the world, and to change the world.

You see where I'm going? People like you could do this. You could destroy all the rules imposed on you and become the kind of man you need to be, and maybe the kind of man the world needs, too. I know it's not easy. People like you are being mocked, even hated. It's not easy, of course it's not. But I believe a good feminist ally would rather use his energy to build new kind of manhood, rather than come to our spaces, claiming to be just like us, when you aren't.

I don't think trans women are inherently selfish or evil. I know many kind and nice trans women personally. I think a lot of you are going through the same process that caused me to believe I was a man. But to change the world and to be genuinely comfortable with oneself, the reality needs to be accepted.

I'd happily share spaces with kind and nurturing men, and might feel we are similar as people. I believe that is what many trans identified males wish, to be one of the women, so to speak. But being comfortable around women doesn't mean you have a right to forcibly claim our spaces and our attention and our resources. I believe many women would gladly share their time with people like you and would think of you as sisters. But I wished it wouldn't have to involve pretending to be us.

This is what I think about this right now. I don't know if this is my final opinion on the matter. I have no ill will for male people who feel kinship with women. But my priority is women's right to our own words which we need so we can tell the story of our oppression.

#trans #feminism

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firendgold · 5 months

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Dumbledore for the unhinged character bingo?

but of course!

whew boy, no bingos but this was a lot.

guess we'll go left to right row by row?

Daddy Issues: um, yeah. It might be glossed over in canon and fanon, but it seems pretty clear that Albus has at least some. Percival Dumbledore was taken from him early, after a moment where he lost control and inflicted violence on those who were both crueler and weaker than him, all in the name of protecting his family. That probably left very deep impressions on the young Albus' psyche: both I can't let myself be locked away like he was, my family needs me and doing the right thing means suffering.

Adult!Albus takes many risks and makes many choices that lead to unhappiness twined with safety, and I think it all comes back to his parents and his home life. We also don't ever see him with a mentor: we know he "worked with" Nicolas Flamel but we don't have a clear idea of how close they were, how long they worked together or anything like that. Like many men in the HP series, he's probably another one who searches in vain for a father figure to replace his original one.

*Incoherent sobbing*: me every day since I finished Half-Blood Prince as a kid, honestly. I'm still not over it. Deathly Hallows was the second of the one-two punches. And then more Dumbledore and Dumbledore family meta is coming out all the time, digging into just how lonely Albus must have been for years and years. Think about how the people he let himself love toward the end of his life all either died or nearly died. Think about how major themes of Albus' life story are trust and love and betrayal. You'll start crying too.

Angst Angst ANGST: So, Albus never gets to be a child past the age of about ten. His parents' combined choices mean that he has to spend all his school years lying to most of his acquaintances about the most intimate parts of his home life and his sister. He also learns a lot of direct and indirect fucked up lessons that stick with him until he's at least seventeen. His brother resents him. His father dies in jail with people cursing his name. His mother is killed by his sister as he graduates school. Then, at seventeen-almost-eighteen, Albus falls in love!... with a budding fascist and future genocidal murderer. They plot to Take Over the World, but in a nice way maybe?

And then The Big Fight happens, Ariana dies too, Aberforth becomes estranged from him, Grindelwald leaves and his whole worldview gets upended. Rather than take some time to go to therapy, Albus spends the rest of his life overachieving to make up for what he did, never allowing himself the weakness of personal attachments... that is, until he finds himself having budding fatherly feelings for Harry. But since he didn't do any of that therapy stuff, he fucks up at a critical moment and chooses his long-dead family over said potential-son by putting on an old ugly ring, and then he dies to try and save the wizarding world with a convoluted plan that worked by miracle's light. The end.

God fucking damn it let them be happy: This is directed more at the fandom than it is at That Woman. Can y'all please write something nice about Albus and Harry for once instead of the same mustache-twirling manipulative fascist-fucking greater good garbage? I'm so sick of it lol.

I want to cradle them gently in my arms: I mean... Albus would not let me. He's almost allergic to intimacy. But if he would...

Go to FUCKING therapy: ...self-explanatory in my other answers. I am firm in my belief that if Albus had just gone to fucking therapy he would be alive today, searching google for funny Muggle cat videos and sending them to his hot old French boyfriend. And he and Harry would meet up for tea and biscuits every week because they would have long since sorted out all their issues and moved on to just loving each other. *sniff*

WHY Are They Like This: tru. I mean... I have a general idea of Why Albus Is The Way He Is, but it doesn't mean I don't still ask this question often. The fact that we got a whole movie called The Secrets of Dumbledore but we didn't learn any of Albus' important fucking secrets kind of supports my unhinged obsessed researching though.

I'm SO normal about them: ...*nervous laughter*

I would take a bullet for them: ...or, you know, I would if he wasn't dead already. But if we're talking about all the incorrect and unnecessary shots he takes from the fandom, then absolutely this applies.

LEAVE. THEM. ALONE!: seriously, fandom, holy shit. Don't y'all want to attack some people who have slid past morally gray territory and into "actual irredeemable monster" territory once in a while? You know, like some of those green-robed fellows you lust after?

Mommy Issues: oh, broooo. if Albus has daddy issues then he for sure has mommy issues too. Kendra Dumbledore shaped the majority of his life by virtue of being the only parent around in his formative years. All the things she taught him keep cropping up in his mannerisms and decisions even a hundred years later. Secrets, misdirection, hiding people and things and ideas away... draw a line back to his mum and you've solved half the puzzle.

Hey do you want to hear a ten hour speech about this character: because I don't like going outside, it would be more of a "five hour tumblr post" that's a billion paragraphs, but yeah. I can almost always find something new to talk about with Albus. ^^

And that's everything! Thanks and sorry it took me so long!

#thanks for the ask!#Albus Dumbledore #unhinged character bingo #bingo board #not fireandgold #dumbledore meta #the dumbledore family #Albus and his family

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andguesswhat · 6 days

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The shield that you own - 2 -

After stepping out of the shower, Jack dried himself roughly, tied the towel around his hips and went to the desk at the window to have a look on his phone if something had occurred and he was needed. But only a message from his little sister Sarah blinked.

I saw you pining over him. Shouldn't you be watching the fans instead?

Although Jack was aware that it wasn't good if anyone looking could see his feelings for Tim and that he should urgently admonish himself to restrain his reactions on the red carpet, he had to smile. He liked Sarah's dry remarks. Ever since he started working for Tim regularly, she had been his constant critical commentator. His CCC, as he had taken to calling her.

He looked at the "evidence photos and videos" from the premiere in Mexico city that Sarah had sent along.

Tim had been given a wrestling mask by a fan, tried it on straight away and posed with it. It was adorable. What was he supposed to do? How could you not smile at that?

In another photo in a different situation, however, it was not quite as clear how he could talk his way out of it.

Jack sighed and scrolled up to Sarah's last message, a few days earlier, which he hadn't replied to either.

LOL Are you his minion now, his boom box carrier? Was that part of your training too?

A picture showed him walking next to Tim carrying Tim's boom box on their way to the Jimmy Kimmel studio. Loud music was Tim's constant companion in cars and dressing rooms. Jack found it endearing, and he didn’t think it was a big deal that he was the one carrying the box, it was part of his job.

But Sarah declined to see these things, instead warned him to let himself be exploited. Although she was the little sister, she saw it as her job to mentally protect her big brother, who in her opinion was ‘far too nice for this world’.

Jack knew she meant it well. In the end it was kind of funny because she was basically the reason why Jack had become a bodyguard. Because he had always protected her.

As a teen, Sarah had taken just as much pleasure in being rebellious as now, which had gotten her into trouble more than once.

When Jack, as her 10-year-old older brother, had first been involuntarily instructed by their mother to look after her, he had quickly realized that he enjoyed it. He had realized that he was good at it, protecting someone, staying calm in troubled and difficult situations. Staying firm. And taking action when necessary.

Today, Sarah was still too rebellious to not getting into trouble, but by now she was old enough and had learned to look after herself.

Jack looked out of his hotel room window over the rooftops of Paris in the afternoon sun.

The next premiere was coming up.

The morning had gone well, the cast had had fun with their interviews. They would make good publicity.

Tim was always a bit different in Paris. Somehow more Frenchy, Jack would say and Tim would laugh at him for that.

But it was true, Tim spoke more elegantly in Paris. His lips and tongue adapted to the flattering language, but he also expressed himself more selectively in English.

He also dressed more elegantly. Jack was curious about Tim's outfit for tonight and he was looking forward to the evening.

Only Tim's flirting with Austin was a thorn in his side. Although he knew it shouldn’t.

He liked Austin. He got on well with him.

In a perfidious way, he even liked it when Tim flirted with him. Because Tim laughed a lot then and looked happy. And that was the most important thing, wasn't it?

He knew Sarah would hate him for that attitude. "Please for fucking once think about yourself!" she would say.

But he was who he was. And after all, this was also a reason why he was doing his job well, right? So why should he change?

The vibrating of his cell phone snapped him out of his thoughts.

Tim. He had sent him a photo of a silver designer breastplate lying in a fashion box. Underneath:

Look at thaaaat! Tonight, I'm going to have two shields! ;)

Jack smiled, sent a little knight emoji and looked at his watch.

Pick you up in 20!

Tim looked beautiful with this shield on his chest that reflected the colors of his surroundings. Over it he wore an elegant suit which emphasized his slender figure. Jack found even more opportunities than usual to touch him, happy for every turn they had to make so that he could gently point him in the right direction. Tim was laughing a lot that night, Tim was beaming a lot that night, Tim was flirting with Austin a lot that night. Jack was already familiar with Tim's flirting. On the Wonka promo tour he had made Hugh Grant all fuzzy with it, but now with Austin... it was more physical, also more put-on somehow. Jack could see that they really liked each other, but they were also putting on a show for the fans for sure. In the end they were both professionals.

Which didn't really make it any easier for Jack, because he knew Tim liked to lose himself in the game sometimes. He knew he shouldn't care. He didn't want to be jealous, it was totally inappropriate to be jealous. They had no relationship, no commitments.

But still... After the premiere party, they went to their hotel and parted from the others. Jack was so busy hugging everyone that he didn't notice Tim saying goodbye to Austin. Outside Tim's hotel room, just before Jack wanted to say goodnight to Tim, Tim leaned lasciviously against the door frame, no longer wearing the shield, his bare chest so inviting, his eyes as dark as they were demanding and purred with a wicked grin, "Austin let me suck his cock today, do you want to punish me for it?" And that's when Jack realized that his shield was also already down again. He couldn't think as quickly as his hand buried itself deep in Tim's curls and his body pressed Tim against the door, causing Tim to groan with excitement. Tim loved to be taken hard and Jack loved to make Tim happy. A few moments later they were already naked on the bed and he rammed into Tim as he gripped his hips, fucked him hard from behind as his hands clamped around Tim's neck, and when Tim was about to come, he held Tim’s mouth shut, the stifled scream making both their bodies tremble with ecstasy.

Exhausted and satisfied they fell on the bed. It wasn't the first time they'd had rough sex like this. The night before the Golden Globes, he had received a message from Tim to visit him at home. When he complied with the request, he realized that Tim had more sex stuff than Jack knew what to do with. But unlike here in Paris, that night hadn't been about fun. Tim had needed something else that night. A binding. A binding by limitation. Tim had been lost, upset, in despair. In layman's terms, Jack would say not far from a panic attack. Tim needed someone to put him in his place again. So Jack had tried to help, had done as well as he could. Had set him limits, tied him up, held him down, fucked him while Tim's body writhed and Tim's moans released what there was to release. Even though it was the sex that had felt most distant from himself to Jack, it had been the most emotional he'd ever had. Seeing Tim like that, seeing how much he needed that, his body to be restricted, to be able to be in the end completely himself again.... It had moved him deeply.

Now Tim lay beside him in bed, sleeping and breathing peacefully, recovering from an exhausting day and Jack allowed himself to run his fingers lightly over his slender body. However harsh he had been to Tim, Jack could never have hurt him. Over the years, he'd seen the marks on Tim's body. Reserved for someone else. No matter how proudly Tim wore those marks, the sight of them only made Jack want to protect him even more. And no matter how much more familiar they had been after this evening before the Golden Globes, the marks from someone else always showed him clearly that in the end he wasn't the one Tim needed... **

#again no idea how to tag this #Timothée Chalamet fanfic #probably not my audience #Charmie #probably looking for a different kind of story #although they are the only one who know what I'm talking about 😅#maybe #gay fanfiction #?#mmh #Timmy and his bodyguard #:)#timothée chalamet

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marshmallowprotection · 1 year

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(same anon who almost died a few times lol) hm. now I'm imagining showing ray my old mediport (it's basically a central line I had in my chest while I was on chemo as an easier/faster way to draw blood) without knowing just how anxious he gets. When I finished chemo I asked if I could keep it so it sits in a specimen cup on my desk and i think it's cool and like to show it to people. tho i wonder if maybe ray would find it interesting? on one hand it would a physical reminder of what I went through, but on the other hand it helped keep me alive and prevented me from experiencing more pain.

Ray hasn't been subjected to the outside world. When he was a kid, if he received any medication, it was only because his twin managed to steal something. Not that either of them are proud of that fact, but if he was sick... they had to do something to keep it from getting worse. It's not like their mother was going to get help. A cough can lead to a lot worse if it's not taken care of. He has no experience with anything medical apart from cough syrup.

But! He'd want to learn what to do for you if you still have anything that needs extra care to this day. Even if you don't, he knows that there's always a chance that something might happen again, and anything he can do to avoid your suffering, he'll do. That means he has a lot of amount of education to do in his spare time. He'd hate to ask you something and leave you struggling with memories that you might not want to remember...

So, he makes sure that everything he learns comes from more than just you. He's proactive with his paranoia and fears. Even if you're in remission and healthy today, he can't help but feel very fearful for the worst-case scenario. That's just a part of how he feels. He's always afraid of something horrible happening to you, even if there's not any reason to be afraid.

I think Ray would be torn when you show him the remnant of your life with cancer. The outside world is supposed to be horrible and yet... there are doctors and people who worked to save your life out there. Sure, people would want to save you... you're special, but what does it mean when he's brought you to Mint Eye to protect you?

Was it just a lucky fluke that people helped you? Or, would they help you again if something went wrong, God forbid, again? His fear is just a part of him that can't disappear at the flip of a hat. It happens and he struggles with it every day. He loves you, he wants you to be safe and happy, so knowing that you've been hurt... and he couldn't stop it is hard for him. Not that he wants to make this about him. Your pain is not about him. He won't overshadow that.

He just wishes... that he could've been there for you before he knew you this way. Even if he couldn't have done anything... he knows that he could've held you when you needed it. So, it's complicated for Ray because he wishes he can take away all memories of your pain, but it isn't something he can actually do. Your port might be something he can't disregard when he slowly learns that Mint Eye isn't healthy for him... like... a statement about the world he can't ignore.

It didn't abandon you... even though he felt like the world wasn't a good place for you. So, why shouldn't he believe you when you tell him he might belong outside, too?

The long of the short of it... Ray doesn't want you to suffer, so while it's hard for him to see a reminder that you've been hurt, it's nice to know that something kept you from suffering. He hopes that he can be that person for you today... can he? Can he protect you? Will you let him?

#anon #ask #mod kait #oh anon. i think about how ray handles my disabilities all the time.#it's a complicated subject because there's so many ways he can react #but god if it isn't comforting to know he'd try his best to be accommodating and learn more about your needs #mystic messenger #mysme #mm #mysticmessenger #ray choi #choi ray

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thedawningofthehour · 7 months

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I really don't want chapter 33 to come, thanks to a certain birthday present, I can more or less get an idea of what will happen and ARRGG!!! no fair!!!! Why the heck are you giving us hope if you're going to close the door on us at the last minute and break our noses in the process!!!!

I'm still firm in my opinion that Doth is more painful than lemonade leak, because you really don't know what's going on until the middle of the fic and when you finally realize it there are only like ten chapters left for the pain to end, here you know perfectly well what's going on and you have to wait until DOUBLE the angst to get to the comfort part, and I know for others it's not like that but I really can't enjoy the galois parts because of all that's behind the curtain.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that there is a happy ending and that donnie will be reunited with his siblings, but sometimes they are hard.

So much so that I've been tempted to ask you for a look at the outline just to ease my worries, but I haven't gotten to that point yet, and I emphasize yet.

Seriously, if the author wasn't so fucking charismatic I would have paused and waited for book three to be complete. But no~ my desire to hear this person talk about her bird is beyond me.

Fuck, now I want a birdie too!

I was actually thinking of posting today, but then I remembered that school is back in session. I want to try to post on the weekend so you high school fucks don't read in class. Also September 20th is kind of a bad day for me. I dunno, it just felt like bad luck to post a big deal chapter on that day.

I have redone a lot of what I sent you, so it doesn't really sound like that anymore? It's slightly more comical now, but that was never the angsty part lol.

My outline would be incomprehensible to anyone other than myself-hell, it's incomprehensible to me half the time. The siblings will be reunited, they'll heal, and the world doesn't end. I'm not pulling a Game of Thrones here. I believe in happy endings.

DO NOOOOOT GET A BIRD. Especially just because you see something cute online! They are extremely loud, messy, and require a ton of work and attention. Many of them are ridiculously smart too, and will get bored as such. They need to be out of their cages most of the day-Angel spends probably 8-10 hours out with me, and he actually spends more time in his sleeping cage now because he's old. They need to be constantly entertained and are always in your face, especially if you're doing anything with food. Like, half the time I have to imprison Angel in the bathroom while I eat, because despite giving him his own portion he will climb onto my plate and eat off it. Or sit on my shoulder and steal bites as I bring it to my mouth. It's like having a flighted toddler with a can opener on its face. They're incredibly destructive-I made a joke earlier about him eating my mom's plants but we seriously have tons of furniture with little beak marks in them.

And Angel is a cockatiel. They're fairly small, considered relatively low-maintenance birds. Sun conures are the loudest things you'll ever hear. A cockatoo is smart enough to open their own cage and speak using human words. A macaw once reached over a plucked a button from my mother's sweater, snapping in clean in half in a flat second. That was over forty years ago and that macaw is probably still alive, many big birds have lifespans that rival or even exceed a human's. If you get one of those birds you are putting that bird in your will.

I say all this because neglect and abuse is a huge issue with pet birds. People get them thinking they're a pretty decoration and many end up shoved in a room somewhere not getting what they need, and many of them start doing stuff like plucking their own feathers out of boredom. (had one feather-plucker myself, it's absolutely heart-breaking) If anyone here is thinking about getting a bird, do your research. Hang out at a bird rescue, talk to birb owners about what you can expect. There's tons and tons of birds who have been surrendered because they were more work than their owners thought they'd be. (and they can't be released back into the wild because they're all bred in captivity) I love birds and I think they can make great companions-for some people. They are not for everyone.

#for context for the first part i sent dd maybe a page of chapter 33 #because i wished her a happy birthday and then FORGOT it was her birthday and i felt very stupid #and my dude i did not think anyone would ever refer to me as charismatic but here we are

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pink-bird-30 · 1 year

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Titans 4x05 & 4x06 Reaction

I'm not putting a spoiler warning, I'm wayyyy too late in posting my reviews of these episodes that everyone should have watched by now.

This is my only warning.

4x05

-Connor being absolutely sick and not telling anyone is my villain origin story. This boy already has been through enough in 5 episode, but yes, Mother Mayhem, let's make the boy vomit up a giant snake and posses his body (Although, who wouldn't want to posses that man's body).

-Bernard and Tim running from the snake had me dying. Bernard falling had me cackling. Tim really thought he could do something to stop that snake, huh? Homeboy was trying to balance his boa staff on his head not even 20 seconds before that.

-Bernard gives me BIG Patrick vibes from Schitts Creek. I can't tell if its just they dynamic between Bernard and Tim where it somewhat reflects that of Patrick and David, but I'm such a fan of the coupling. I know there is a lot of mixed feelings between the pair, but I'm happy if they're happy.

-Jinx and gar's banter is actually pretty cute. Don't come for me lol.

-I'm glad Gar is trying to figure out more information about his visions and it's not just a dead-end plot-line this season. There is a huge purpose for Gar and I can't wait until it comes to fruition.

-Connor trying to sabotage the plan...boy did no one learn from season 3? Connor blew up Kom's only way home to Tamaran. He has been unstable for how many episodes now and no one seem to give a damn.

-Dick and Kori's brief conversation about the book annoyed me. Dick is such a nonbeliever that sometimes I want to reach through my screen and shaking some sense into him. And Kori did bring up a good point that Sebastian is there now and they should take him out, but Dick is also right in the fact that they took their time with Rachel and it ended okay (but it makes me think that since Sebastian exists, that's why Rachel ended up not evil and defeating Trigon).

-Dick's fucking cartwheel away from Connor, gold. Pure gold.

-I'm kinda sad Kori didn't take the Porsche.

-Elko's Diner anyone?

-Pregnant Connor, not what I expected today...

-For a place that is obsessed with Superman, they sure seem to have a lot of Kryptonite.

-Zadira is really out here to ruin everyone's day. I get it. The prophecy will happen and whatnot, but at least give Kori some credit for helping Rachel. The world would have ended two seasons ago.

-Not Connor bringing up Hank, bruh.

-Gar turning into a virus is such callback to Teen Titans. I love how they are showing all the different ways Gar can transform this season.

-Don't kill me, but I actually really like the friendship between Dick and Jinx. They should have not made Jinx another one of Dick's ex's, I will die on this hill. They have such a good dynamic and he clearly likes her enough to trust her with his friend's lives, so why make her an ex???

-Mother Mayhem sacrificing her one friend was dark. Even worse was Gina knew she would be the sacrifice. This season if full of chaos and I'm living for it.

-"Figure it out, we always do." Not Gar quoting Dick, my heart can't handle this.

-Side note: I love how Titans is real about injuries and death on this show. In comics and animated shows, there's this weird immunity to the heroes and there isn't any real consequences. But Titans is really upfront about it.

-"Casting a spell?" "No, praying." Jinx is so real for this lol.

-TIM HAD HIS MOMENT!! I was hoping he'd get to do something and I'm glad it was to save Bernard.

- "It's about the snacks." Honestly, Rachel got a point. The team is full of snacks ;).

-Rachel's interaction with Sebastian is beyond wholesome. She has healed so much over the years and I'm happy for her, even thought I know it will only last for a little while...

-"He will bring the end of days." Zadira, we been known this. Just let them have some happiness for a hot second. Thanks.

The vision...

I-

I know Zadira is doing what is right to maintain harmony, but we cannot ignore that she literally threw Kori's potential future in her face. There's low, but Zadira got lower than low. She's halfway to seeing Trigon at how low she just acted.

The continuation of Dick's vision merging with Kori's was everything. I expected this show to ruin me. But hot damn, I'm a mess. A big hot pile of melted mess over here!!!!

The birthday party, the looks, the touches, the familiarity with one another. The warmth the clarity, EVERYTHING. They even made the fucking scene have light!!!!! Pure. Golden. Light.

And then, poof! it's gone.

Fucking pulled away and then back to reality.

A very harsh reality may I add.

Zadira better pray she never meets me.

The after math...

Listen, I'm not surprised Sebastian gave himself up. He's been with the Titans for a few days and that is long enough for Dick's self-sacrificing attitude to rub off on some people. It's was also enough time for Sebastian to have real exposure to what a family is. At this point we aren't too aware of Sebastian's background, but in 4x06 his entire identity make a whole lot more sense.

4x06

Oh lord above, what in God's name did I just watch?!

I'm literally rewatching this episode to get a better scope of what I watched a week ago and honestly, I'm still flabbergasted at everything and everyone.

Buckle up, friends. Let's deep dive.

Kori and Rachel return without Sebastian

-The ride in the car before they get back to Star labs is probably one of the most important conversations pertaining to Dickkory all season.

-Rachel is asking the real questions:

"Has Dick told you before?"

"No, he hasn't".

Rachel is a true queen for keeping Dick's vision a secrete until the right moment. I can't imagine seeing those two flirt all day long and keep that vital piece of information to myself.

-The look on Dick's face when he asks Kori and Rachel where Sebastian was...I think he was genuinely afraid for the first time this entire season.

Connor's Persona Change

-Connor's attitude, I have never cringed so much in my life. Josh is playing the hell out of Connor this season and his switch from "Superboy" to "Lexiboy" has given me whiplash (I will be sending Titans' my medical bills).

-Connor's behavior towards Dick is something in itself. Dick's reaction to Conor's attitude is so restraint. There is no person on this earth that has the patience Dick Grayson has with Connor Kent. My inner hispanic woman would have slapped that boy the first chance he gave me an attitude. But alas, Dick is probably a better person than I.

-Also, does anyone else find the irony that Connor shaved his head with the powers Superman gave him? Lex has had a grudge against Superman for many reasons, but his loss of hair was always number 1 on that list. And seeing Connor using his heat vision to shave his head was a full circle moment.

-Does Connor give you guys big Jason vibes? His language and mannerisms remind me of pre Red Hood Jason. From the woe is me attitude to the cockiness, all reminiscent of Jason Todd. I get that it's "supposed" to be his Luther side coming out, but they killed Lex off too soon for us to really get a feel for his character. So it's difficult to determine if Lex was this way for sure.

-Dick preferring to be called Dick was funny.

The Plan

-Listen, Jinx's plan was okay. I never had full faith that they could pull it off, but it was a great starting point. Sometimes the Titans put all of their marbles into one jar before looking at alternative methods. This is why they typically don't do well the first time and end up losing (foreshadowing).

-Connor's plan was not terrible either, but also not a solution. Mostly a band-aid on a bullet wound.

-I think if they had more time, they would have come up with something better to suit their situation and work better together.

Moving on...

-Rachel ate Jinx's hair.

I-

Sometimes I cannot tell if Jinx is pulling our leg or not; she has such a sarcastic attitude that most of the time I'm like, okay, she's joking again. But then no, it's not a joke.

-I'm glad Jinx pointed out that Rachel could still access her powers if she wanted to. I think it's helpful there is someone else there who has an understanding of magic and can help her rekindle her loss of powers.

Mother Mayhem and Sebastian

-We've seen plenty of toxic relationships all throughout Titans and honestly, Mother Mayhem may take the cake (Rachel's mother, Angela or "Arella" still holds the crown after her betrayal in season 1/Season 2).

-Showing Sebastian all of his past relationships with figures that were meant to either guide him or love him was horrible. This kid has been traumatized since day one and his mother is making him relive all of it. This man is so fragile, and I'll admit, bringing up the past is such a smart move to get him to drink the blood. But damn, dark as hell.

Gar's Visions

-This was such a HUGE moment in the episode. I'm glad Kori has always been so aware of everyone on the team and how they're doing. Right away she knew Gar was not fine and needed her, but he brushes her off and leaves anyway.

-I think it's interesting how Gar was a few seconds ahead of his interaction with Connor. I wonder if that is his visions showing him the future, or is it the universe already altering from Mother Mayhem's disturbances?

-Let's discuss Gar's interaction with the skin-walker:

"When the towers break, take yourself to the Red."

"It depends on you, Garfield Logan."

This reminds me of how animals always sense when bad things happen before they do. And I'm really excited to see how Gar is going to be the key to fixing this hot mess the Titans are now involved in. But I wonder where the "Red" will take him? Is it an alternate dimension? Is it the past where he can stop all of this? what is it?!

Back at the lab...

I've loved Connor Kent since season 2, but this boy is really grinding my gears!

"Take the win."

"This isn't my dark side."

-Connor, for the love that is all holy, shut up. Like why is it necessary to be a raging prick? Dick understand that he's changing, whether that be for the better or not, but Connor needs to understand that he cannot just go from zero to hundred. It is not safe for him!

-What I really love about Dick's growth as a character is how he doesn't give up on Connor and still includes him to still help the team with their plan. Even thought his attitude sucks right now, Dick still invited him to help bring Sebastian back.

-Connor has now entered dangerous irrational territory. Going after Mother Mayhem all on his own knowing well enough magic and Super powers will not help him really put the Titans in a bad position.

Side note: I find it hilarious that Joseph Morgan always has blood somehow incorporated into his roles. Klaus would be proud of him.

The date scene...

-Oh, my heart absolutely broke for Sebastian here. This girl deadass pointed out that he's lonely as hell. Girl, you're lucky he didn't smite you sooner. But the gift she gave him was so thoughtful (and honestly, very nostalgic for me), but he really assumed their relationship would fail due to his own insecurities and always being let down by others. I wish he had more time with Rachel and the Titans to know they would have his back.

Kori's Powers...

-Her powers are now unstable and now just another thing on the list of things Dick has no idea about. Who knows how bad this will go in future episodes...

Jinx and Dick...

-Listen, I know, I know this is problematic (and I ain't trying to start any fights here, so please don't) but like I stated earlier, I do like this pairs dynamic platonically. Clearly Jinx has some unresolved issues regarding Dick. That was made abundantly clear when Dick told her she earned her money and how she reacted to his kindness. Dick really is such a sucker for certain people and I can see why he had shared moments with Jinx in the past. But their relationship seems to give off sibling vibes that people need to chill just a bit on the hate towards the actress. Hell, I would personally ship myself with that gorgeous man, who wouldn't?

Anyways...Moving on.

Connor, Connor, Connor. What are we going to do with you?

-This man straight up thought he could take on Mother Mayhem all on his own? After the first two encounters has he learned nothing? Even the Lex part of him has to know the probability of this not working in his favor.

-His actions have caused so many issues in such a small amount of time, can your imagine another 6 episodes of him acting this way??? Oh the damage that will be done.

-Mother Mayhem dissing Lex "He was SO EASY TO KILL" the volume in her voice lolz.

-When Jinx puts the mark on Rachel's forehead, it glows the same red Gar saw in his visions. I wonder if that mens he'll end up somewhere with Rachel or in Azarath?

Dick and Kori

"To hell to prophecies, destinies, and visions" If I had a dollar for the amount of times this man has put his foot in his mouth this entire series...I'd have enough money to save Stargirl. Richard John Grayson, do you have eyes? or are you blind to the obvious?! (Which we all know he is). But really, these last few years and have you learned nothing?! You're literally in love with an alien a fucking alien princess from another planet and you cannot wrap your head around visions?!

The look on Dick's face when Kori brings up their shared vision?! I will always say this: Brenton is so good at showing so many emotions with his eyes. You can see the guilt eating at him and the emotional overload he's feeling due to the vision.

And the soft way Kori recants the vision created this bubble around them that felt untouchable:

"You and me and a little girl with a red balloon."

Kori is such a strong person and the tone she uses with Dick when describing the vision has haunted me for days. She speaks so softly. It's like she was afraid to speak louder in fear she would scare Dick away. That she was afraid Dick would be dismissive and act like it wasn't real.

But when she asked him why he never said anything, his response: "I don't know." confirmed all Kori needed to know. It burst their small bubble to the reality that Dick hadn't wanted to disclosed this information to her.

I know there is some upset to Dick's reaction. But we need to be honest here. How would you feel if the person you saw as a partner for the last few years, someone you share a close bond with who has your back as much as they have your's is the future mother to your child? Dick has played the hypothetical game before where he has a life and a family but then it ends up a shitty mess (granted that was Trigon's doing, but it's a valid point). Dick has never had a stable relationship in his life and now all of a sudden, the one person who has been his literal partner in crime is someone he will be tied to forever because of that little girl with the red balloon.

That's a lot to take in. And another point to make, he literally had to die to see that vision. That in itself should be enough evidence that he still needs time to process his vision.

But I also need to say that Dick probably would have not brought it up to Kori, that I am certain of it. And I know deep down Kori knows that as well, and I think that is why she is so upset about the entire situation too.

"To hell with visions."

Although it was a small sentence, Kori knew it would hurt Dick the most. I think this is the first time we really see them acknowledge the change in their dynamic and unfortunately, its at a bad time and not on a positive foot.

The End

I think we were all rooting for the Titans at the end. They get there just in time to stop Sebastian from drinking the blood and finishing the ritual.

-We see Gar bust in as an ape causing chaos. We have Starfire kicking ass. Dick waltz in like he owns the place. There was so much unity happening that for a moment there was hope.

-Gar was able to break the jewel and get Raven's powers back and now she's White Raven!!!! I knew it would happen from previous media, but seeing it was so cool. She was absolutely glowing and I hope we can see her costume better later on in the season cuz from just the brief glimpse, I'm sold.

-Jinx dying was not on my bingo card. But there was something about her death that leaves me unsettled. As she falls to the ground you hear her say "Not again." So does that mean she has previously died and came back? Also, I feel like Jinx would have had a better control over Mother Mayhem, we've seen it before when she controlled the Zombies. I think Jinx is going to betray the Titans in the end and she's using Dick.

-Connor is completely out for the count, homeboy is just sitting there tied up.

-Kori and Rachel teaming up to go after Mother Mayhem was epic. But I am concerned for Kori and her powers. You can see her powers were overwhelming not only her, but you can also see it on Dick's face as well. He felt the energy pouring from her and it makes me concerned that she will end up dead in the end trying to save everyone in the final battle.

-I really feel for Tim at the end. Connor brought up earlier that Tim is completely useless. And I love Tim, but he still has a lot of learning to do and I feel sad that he failed on his part to get Sebastian to back down and leave the cult behind. I know that there will be aftermath to this situation.

Lastly,

Sebastian takes his place and it was epic. The moment he becomes Brother Blood and uses his powers to erase the Titans, such a power move. Then he descends into the bubbling spring of blood completely submerging himself? That's some next level shit. I don't know where we're going to end up in a few weeks when the show comes back, a lot of us are hypothesizing that they'll be in an alternate reality of some sort, especially based off the episode titles. But I hope we get a release date soon for pt 2.

Until then, let me know what you think!

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heymeowmao · 1 year

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2022.10.24 - https://weibo.com/l/wblive/p/show/1022:2321324828208393749453

I’ll stream for a little while~~ Just a short while!

LYN: Hallo everybody, good evening. I am Modern Brothers’ Liu Yuning. Welcome! C: How long are you streaming today? LYN: Just a “little while”. You didn’t look at the caption before you came in? I said a “little while” so it will only be a “little while”.

C: Are you a ~melancholy guy~ today? LYN: I’m not very? If I am able to stream then that means that I’m in pretty good condition. That is- I’m very happy! :) LYN: We started off on set and then when we did our last scene, there were other actors around and I just happened to ask what time it was. They said it was 8p. ! No way, how could I have finished my last scene of the day but it’s only around 8p? Unbelievable, that we would wrap so early today! Then my actor colleague asked me- “So, are you going to head back to stream? Are you planning on streaming?” I said, “Stream, what stream? I’m so tired I’m about to die. How much do I love streaming? I definitely won’t stream today. I’m going to tidy up and look over the script before going to sleep.” ... Look at me now. On the way back I was looking at the script, remembering my lines for tomorrow, and I suddenly thought... “Why don’t I stream?” I don’t know when the next time I’ll get to wrap up this early is, so I played the “saying one thing but doing another” trick.

C: Ning-ge, just admit you missed us. LYN: I didn’t. Let’s not go there. Do you think we’re shooting some sort of idol drama here? I didn’t miss you- I just wrapped up early today and came to stream... because I was afraid you might miss me.

LYN: I won’t stream for too long, today. I haven’t even removed my makeup yet. I’m probably going to remove my makeup, tidy up, look over the script and then head to sleep. I won’t stream for too long, so don’t put so much pressure on yourselves. I won’t interfere with your shopping. It’s around that time of year, now, and I’m sure a lot of friends are going to.. exhaust their funds. C: I’m not buying anything! LYN: There’s no need for that. Some friends are saying that they’re not buying anything because they’re waiting for my brand collab to come out. I do have plans for it. So... if you want to buy it then you can wait a bit.

C: Ning-ge, no matter what I do, it’s not as important as watching you. LYN: That’s touching. Is watching my stream the most important thing in the world to you? But why don’t you have an “iron-clad fan” label stuck to the end of your username? You can check it out for yourself.

C: In order to watch you I am holding in my need to poop. LYN: There’s no need for that. You can take your phone to the bathroom with you. Alright? You don’t need to hold it. Please don’t do that- it’s bad for your health. I still want you to have a smooth life. Go. It’s alright. Jiayou.

C: These fans are too fake. LYN: That means this person isn’t my fan either, if they can say that the people in my stream are fake. LOL. /deadpan/ What nonsense are you saying?! What’s fake? I’m telling you- there’s such a thing in this world called a “white lie”, you know. It’s not FAKE, it’s a kind lie. The intent is out of kindness. It’s just like when you were little and your mom would tell you, “Baby, you’re the cutest child in the world.” Are you really, though? It could be that at times you are the worst child in the world, in your mother’s eyes. Your mother lies to you too, doesn’t she? But it’s a white lie, in the hopes that you can be cuter. So this doesn’t count as having fake fans, it’s just a hope. A white lie. C: Wow, Ning-ge called us “baby”! LYN: Oh, my goodness. Am I your mother now? Please, no. There’s no need for that. You should be lucky that I’m not pushing any products right now. Otherwise, you’d all be my “baby”. “Hey, babes. Check out the third link in the shopping cart~ My babies in the stream~” Isn’t that all how it goes? “The babies in my livestream” or “The fam’ in my stream. Check out what benefits I’ve brought to you~” They’re clearly selling you things but they say they’re bringing you benefits. Shouldn’t you be thankful?

C: If you reply to me, I’ll start being you fan. LYN: This person is probably not my fan but has some curiosity towards me, and wanted me to reply to them during my stream... so they said that. Um.. I replied. Start “pink (粉)”-ing (liking) me, then. See, friends. I cherish every person who is just passing by and have stopped to take a look. It’s my hope that every one of them can become my fan. Alright, then. Start to “pink”. I replied to you. I’ll have my moderators remember your ID and then have them check whether or not you like any other artist. I’ll have them check whether you’re posting about or liking other artist’s posts. If you are, then I will forever consider you as a person whose words cannot be trusted. C: Reply to me, reply to me! I like you! LYN: I have replied. But also I’m streaming here! Aren’t I already replying to you? This counts as customer service, I’m non-stop replying to you all right now. There are so many people, of course I can’t @ you. But this is already a service (客服, kè fú) to you, so can’t you try to overcome (克服, kè fú) it a little? Overcome your selfishness. LYN: It’s almost 11/11 (when there are lots of promotions&sales) and everyone else is trying to sell you things but here I am providing customer service. Our salaries are different, too. :(

LYN: We wrapped up early so I thought I’d come here and stream, but I won’t stream for too long. I’ll simply chat with everyone and if I’m in a good condition I’ll sing a song or two. I just want everyone to have a happy and wonderful Monday.

C: How long will you be shooting this drama for? LYN: Until the end of December, probably. We can wrap sometime in January. Not that much longer to go, now. There are just two more months.

C: Ning-ge are you going to run a marathon? LYN: I saw someone post to my group that Hengdian has some sort of marathon competition going on and there are going to be a lot of artists there, like Jing Tian, etc. That they will be taking part. Ah... I don’t know if they will be going, but I’m guessing that they signed up for it? I don’t know if they signed up, but in this case for the OP to include my name in the list of participants must mean that they think highly of me. Running a marathon, with my stamina? I think I’d run halfway and then pass out. I can’t run. I can’t go. LYN: I also saw that of the participating artists, there’s also a feature where you can run for a section of it alongside an artist. There’s an “accompany you while you run” benefit. For example, if you like LYN, you can pay them 200RMB and they will find a section of the race where you can run alongside/behind him and shoot a video. Or something like that. I don’t know. C: Taking “chasing stars” literally. LYN: Yeah. You need to keep in good health. I also heard that if you shell out enough money you can have your idol piggyback you while they run, too. If you pay three times the price, maybe they’ll princess-carry you while they run. X’D I’ve heard that there are those commissions, but I don’t know if anyone actually believes them.

C: Ning-ge, everything that comes out of your mouth is nonsense? LYN: This is my streaming style, and it’s always been like this. What, are you here to learn English? Should I teach you some online lessons? Trigonometric functions??

C: Ning-ge, are you alright? LYN: I’m alright. I only said that I am unlikely to run a marathon, that’s all. I don’t think I’m ready to try one. But the problem here is you asking if I was alright. Just because I can’t run a marathon doesn’t mean I’m in poor health. But I’m not doing the marathon- I’m just unfit. I don’t know if any of the other artists are going, though.

C: Yes, Ning-ge. I’m here for online lessons. I’m about to enter the 16th level of English and I came here to supplement. LYN: You’re entering the 16th level and you’re here to supplement your English? Because the things we talk about here, honestly, are more useful- it that right? I think that your mentality towards this is very “good”. You are a very “clever” person. “You are” very “beautiful.” See? English is a very colloquial thing, that we can add into our stream and everyone here can learn a little something. C: You can speak English now? LYN: Of course. Very good English.

C: Ning-ge, aren’t you hot? LYN: I’m okay, not hot. In order to keep up this appearance I can bear it. I want to keep you in a good mood. Because my hair is really flat right now- you all know it’s been squashed under a wig all day- so I’m wearing the hat so as not to give you an unpleasant viewing experience. // It’s not that I don’t wash my hair. It’s because when they put it up in the wig they have to comb it back, then it’s under the wig all day and when the wig comes off my hair is sticking to my head. It’s kinda ugly so I just use the hat to try to cover it up. C: You can take the hood off? LYN: This is a solo hood, I bought especially. I can take it off- /lifts the edge to show it’s a single piece/ /tries to fix his hair/ I’m just a comedian in so many people’s eyes. That’s no good. I need to see if I can convert a small group of you into my visual-fans. /messes his hair up/ Ok, whatever. Is it better now? C: I am a fan of your visuals. LYN: You have good taste. :)

C: Ning-ge, is your taste for revenge rearing its head again? LYN: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?? How much do you think I like taking revenge on people?? It’s not that- it’s purely because I wrapped up early today and wanted to stream a bit more.

C: I’m a fan of your songs. LYN: :) In that case, I think it’s time for a song, then. [t/n: “song” pronounced more like “pot” (锅/guō)] What should I sing...? Let’s see how my condition is today. I’ll sing one of LYN’s songs. let’s see what he has. “Floating Life”? I’ve never sung it live before, I’ll give it a try. LYN: /narrating/ A long, long time ago... there was a man called Modern Brothers Liu Yuning. - /浮生 (Floating Life) [Floating Life: Fantasy World OST]/ [t/n: this is a really cool OST] LYN: This song is the OST to Floating Life: Fantasy World, and I haven’t sung it once since it was released, so I might not have sung well. Please understand.

LYN: I hope everyone who is tuning in right now is having a wonderful Monday night. It’s a night with LYN to accompany you~ Cheers, everybody~ C: I finally have a LYN to make me not hate work that much. LYN: No way. I’m don’t deserve that honor.

C: You sang that song better than the original (also LYN). LYN: You can say that. I think the original version is... no good. You can say the version I sang just now eliminated the original singer. C: You’re beating up the original singer again? LYN: It’s enough that we eliminated him, we don’t need to beat him up. What for??

C: Ning-ge, do you have a “guazi lian”? [t/n: ”melon seed face” ; traditionally a face in the shape of an upside-down sunflower seed, with pointy chin] LYN: Yes, but not in the way that you’re thinking. I’m more of a white guzazi. The round flat ones. My face is a big pancake. C: A pumpkin seed. LYN: Yes, that’s what I mean. “Pumpkin Seed Face”... it’s alright. It doesn’t matter. C: Do you have baby fat? LYN: It’s not baby fat, I’m just fat. Well, “fat” isn’t it either. That’s just the natural shape of my face.

- /still trying to fix his hair/ LYN: My hair is so long! I haven’t cut it for a long time. It’s too long... it’s a little ugly. I should go cut my hair.. see if that membership card Li Gengxin gave me still has money on it. I’ll have to see when I can get it cut, but I can’t leave (Hengdian) right now. Maybe I’ll try to cut it myself. LYN: I’ll put on these glasses (to cover). If there’s anything you want to chat about, you can type it into the comments and we can chat!

(~30 min. mark)

LYN: I heard a song lately.. what was it called? It’s from an opera... is it called “Wu Jia Po” or something...? It is! The story of Wang Baochuan and Xue Pinggui/Wujiapo. // My friends keep sharing music, so I take a listen. This song is nice. Let me see if I can play it for you. -- C: Do you want to “dig wild herbs” with us? LYN: What does that mean? I really don’t know. What does it mean..? -- C: I thought my grandma turned on the television (and was watching the opera). LYN: This is music, what’s wrong with it?? I shared it with my colleagues today and... they could not accept it. They were like, “?? LYN. I never thought you would like this type of music.” “That’s a little too... in line with your age.” XD ...But what does that have to do with my age... -- C: “Dig wild vegetables” means to have “love brain” LYN: Is that so? I don’t really know it. /reading/ “Wang Baochuan dug wild herbs for 18 years.” Wow, amazing. She likes to eat wild veggies, alright. / Today my internet is down, I really can’t keep up with you. Sorry. I really don’t know what it meant. You won. Count this round as your win. :c -- [t/n: stems from the Wujiapo story, the phrase is a mockery of having the mindset that “love comes first” because, if I am understanding correctly, in the original story a wealthy girl (Wang Baochuan) insisted on marrying her poor lover boy (Xue Pinggui). He was the descendant of a general, and she encouraged him to take the imperial exam so he did, and later was called away to the army. By herself, she fell on hard times and had to resort to digging for wild herbs for food for 18 years.; So... “digging wild herbs” = “a fool for love”?] -- LYN: I want to sing this for you. I haven’t really learned it all the way, but I want to try. Mostly just the chorus part. Just listen to that one line, alright? Everything else is not important. - /武家坡 (Wujia Slope)/ - /takes a couple tries, keeps messing up the tempo./ - /stares into the camera like this:/

- /valiantly continues trying/ - /gets to the end of the song and regrets life choices/ LYN: I thought I knew it, but it turns out I didn’t. It’s alright, it doesn’t matter. It was just for fun. The important part was just that part: /sings the start of the chorus again/. That part. Now that I’ve gotten to show you that part I am satisfied.

C: Ge, did you get to eat your two-ingredient sauce? LYN: No. I haven’t been able to go back to my hometown. There aren’t those specialties here.

LYN: Alright, that’s enough. Change the subject, will you?? - /t/n: Idk what they’re grilling him about.../ LYN: Stop spamming. Be careful I don’t kick you out! // When you keep spamming this stream becomes meaningless, and I have nothing to say. We’ll just end up staring at each other. Change the subject, let’s talk about something different.

C: Is Zi Chuan airing soon? LYN: I really don’t know. I don’t know the details of which drama will air at what time. I’ve heard it’ll be soon... so it’ll probably be soon. But not THAT fast- what ever airs as quickly as they say it will? Just wait for it. LYN: I already said last time, I have very little scenes in Zi Chuan. There are 48 episodes and I shot for 200 or so scenes. I don’t have many scenes in it. If you’re interested in the drama and the story, please check it out. If my friends are looking to see more of me, you’re not going to see that much, but I hope you can still support the drama anyway. C: Is ALZ soon? LYN: I doubt it. There are so many dramas out there, you can watch something else first. C: Does Hao Du have more scenes than in ZC? LYN: It’s about the same- HD also had around 200 scenes. You can think about it- ZC has 48 episodes and I only have 200 or so scenes. [t/n: The Long Ballad was 49 episodes so... it’s comparable. LOL.] Also in post they might edit a lot of things out, so I doubt that when it airs I will even still have 200 scenes.

C: How did LYN get famous? LYN: /laughs/ I’m not. Since that’s the case, friend, why don’t you subscribe to my weibo. Let’s await the day I become famous together. if you subscribe to me you will know how I got famous, and each step along the way. I’m not famous yet, but I will be. At least I hope so. I want to slowly become famous. But first, subscribe to my weibo. We can watch it happen together.

LYN: My hair is killing me! Let me play you a video while I try to get it sorted. I don’t even like seeing it myself. I’ll play you a video and see if I can do something about it. Wait for me. -- break #1 - /comes back with a wig instead/ LYN: This is much better. C: This wig sure was worth it. LYN: Isn’t it?! I wore it for two streams, is it not worth it?? One was enough, but I’ve worn it for two now. It’s super worth it. C: You’re wearing a wig but still have the hood? LYN: No- because the sides are coming out, see? I didn’t have time to put in on properly so it’s just on there, to cover it up. If I block it even more, then you can’t tell that I just slapped it on.

C: Ning-ge, you’re trending. LYN: I don’t believe you. I don’t think I’m worthy of such a thing. Didn’t a friend asl earlier, “How did LYN get famous?” I’m not even famous- do I have the right to be trending? // What they meant by that question is how did I get here. It could be that they’re wondering “Why is this person called LYN suddenly showing up everywhere? He sings OSTs and he acts, where the heck did he come from?” A lot of people don’t know where I came from. Since I have nothing better to do, I’ll introduce myself to you. LYN: I’m a handsome young man that hails from Liaoning, Dandong. I’ve liked music since I was a child. I loved to sing. But unfortunately, my family didn’t really have the means, so there was never any chance for me to learn music. I’m not just saying that my family didn’t have the means to make you pity me, but I want to let you know because right now I’m doing alright for myself. It’s better now. Anyway- I’m not trying to make anyone pity me, just saying that I didn’t have any opportunity to go learn music when I was younger. If I wanted to take a music class or something it would have cost too much money. Not just the classes- we didn’t have the means to buy any instrument either. So then I didn’t do very well in school, and later went to a technical school- I went to learn how to be a cook. I learned there for two years and after that started working in restaurants, cooking for people. After doing that for a few years, I didn’t enjoy it. Just like the kids born after ‘00 nowadays, when they don’t like something they just quit. XD I don’t know if anyone watching is, like me, born after ‘00? When we aren’t satisfied with something, we just quit. LYN: I always wanted to sing. After I stopped being a cook I needed something to do, but work was hard to find because the truth was I didn’t have the education nor did I have any skills- other than cooking, but I didn’t want to do that anymore. I had enough of cooking, so I “cooked” my boss. Which is to say... I was not very professional- so I quit. Now what? Liaoning, Dandong is a very small city- I had wanted to find a bar I could sing in- but Liaoning didn’t have very many of those. But I still had to work. So I found a job as a waiter and did that for about three years. It was removing dishes, serving dishes, and taking orders. After three years, I didn’t enjoy it anymore either. I “cooked” my boss. See, I never lost my skills as a cook- I “cooked” my boss again. What could I do, then? That was when I realized that I was pretty tall and had an alright EQ, so I did the thing most young people do. I went to sell clothes. I worked in retail and sold clothing for about a year. After a year I didn’t like it, and “cooked” my boss again. All ‘00 babies and after are like this! I don’t know though, are they? Being born after ‘00 like myself- I didn’t like it, so I quit. So I sold clothes for some time. A lot of my old fans all know what jobs I’ve had. LYN: I had a friend who was singing in a bar, and asked me what I was doing. I told him I “cooked” my boss and didn’t have anything to do. He told me his bar was looking for singers, and wanted me to try it out. I went, and it was a lot like taking a test- even working in a bar requires an interview. A lot of people are in students now and when you graduate you will need to go out for job interviews. Even as a singer, there are interviews. The boss took one look at me and said I looked the part... but he didn’t know if my singing was any good. He told me to sing a few, and I asked him how many. He said four- two fast and two slow. So I sang, and it went alright. There were some customers there and they clapped for me. It was just testing the market. After I sang the boss told me to go home and wait to hear from him. I’d heard that enough times. No matter where you go, if you hear “Wait for us to contact you.” 100% you’re never hearing from them again. So I knew then that I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t in a good mood, so I turned off my phone- for about 4-5 days. I didn’t want any contact from the outside world and I’d isolated myself, feeling like the world was full of hopelessness and uncertainty. I was wasted- as someone born after ‘00- I couldn’t just spend the rest of my life just sitting around and waiting for death. I felt like my world was so dark. On the fifth day I turned my phone back on and my friend called me, asking me why my phone was off for the past few days. I asked him what he was calling for and he told me that his boss wanted to use me, and to come work at the bar. XD I started working, and was there for a few years. LYN: I’d also participated in some survival shows.. but I never got famous from them. I’ve told my fans about this before. I was in Super/Happy Boy... I was in that show but in the end I was a very UNhappy Boy. I’d also given Sing!China my demo- absolutely no response. I felt like I didn’t sound good. I felt useless. LYN: Now a lot of people ask if my sudden recognition is brought about because I have someone backing me or resources like that- do you think I would have sung in a bar for three or four years if I had?? I’m just a person from a small city, who would know Liu Yuning? I had no one to support me. After not passing the variety shows I decided to start streaming, and that’s why you feel like I am a professional streamer right now. I was a streamer for a few years and didn’t have any sort of results so I nearly “starved to death”. That was in 2018, when I made a prediction and it was the best one I would ever make. I predicted that the next few years following it would be the time for the short video genre. I awoke from sleep that day and had a sudden feeling- it was like someone lit a light in me- I feel like I had a dream, and in that dream I was a celebrity. (I’d always wanted to be a celebrity!) Since I had dreamt it, I started thinking of how I can make it happen. I occurred to me that after 2018 it would be the era for short videos- because young people- like those born after ‘00- don’t have the time to sit there and consume lengthy media. Everything happens in broken pieces, so it was prime time for the short video genre and platforms like weibo. :p So I decided to do short videos... and I succeeded. LYN: That’s why a lot of my antis like to say that I’m just an internet famous individual- it’s because I made my way into the entertainment industry starting from that circle of short video content creators. I started making short videos and gained a bunch of fans. I’m guessing that right now it would be nice if even half of them are still with me. I had fans, so I decided I would make my debut. How does someone debut? It’s very easy- just release a song. I released a song and that’s how I made it. LYN: People still wonder who’s behind me and who is sourcing me- I don’t have anyone. People who really know me know every single step I took to get to where I am. I’m built up from nothing. Also- if I had started taking commercial/business jobs in 2018 when I first started, I would have made a LOT of money. But I never took and still have not taken any of those types of jobs. How many artists can you say have done the same? Of course there are, but very few. It’s one thing I ask of myself though, to not take commercial performances. I don’t want to exhaust myself, because my focus is on becoming a celebrity. Let’s bring it back around- let’s say I do have resources, and there is someone backing me. Why would they? Because there’s money to make off of me. It’s not as if they like me for my talent. Investors like you because you can make them money, and that’s why they will indulge you and give you opportunities. The problem here is- if I am not contracting any commercial performances, how are they supposed to make money? I even turned off the gifting option in my stream. How are they supposed to make money off me? I don’t even try to sell you things during my stream. Again, what money is there to make? Every year I don’t go over two branded spokesmanships- how would they make money off me? Are they dumb? In your eyes investors are all just idiots?? // People who have half a brain would know that there is no one backing me. You think they would let me stream all the time if I did?? If I had the time they would have made me sign a contract for some other commercial promotion. I’d be going to some event to sing and gain a little bit of money. There’s no way I would have the freedom I do now, to sign with what I want to and not sign with what I don’t want to. I don’t have any resources/investors. LYN: My capital lies in my fans. I’m not saying this to be nice. Honestly. Take any artist- who would they be without their fans? How talented do you think you are? How amazing? Platforms, producers, and directors don’t find you because of how talented you are by yourself- it’s because of what the fans have made you out to be. You can say you sing well- there are many people in the world who sing well and even better than you do. Why should a platform use you instead of someone else? It’s because you have the fans to support you. There are so many people who can act and who have graduated from a drama academy that don’t have anything to act in, so why is that you get to act? It’s because you have fans to support you. It doesn’t matter how amazing you are on your own.

(~1:07 min. mark)

LYN: So, back to “how did LYN get famous”? I’m not. I crawled up to this point step by step. It’s possible that in some people’s eyes I could have crawled a little too quickly. Why? I don’t let myself have downtime in the year- I won’t let myself have the free time. Sometimes I meet some colleagues and ask them what they’ve got lined up and they tell me, “Nothing, I want to rest. I might to to Sanya and hang out for while. I’m tired. I want to take half a year and rest in Sanya, then get back into it.” When I hear them say that I don’t understand. I mean- I CAN understand, but I don’t think I would be able to do the same. As someone born after the ‘00′s, it’s already a little to late for me. LYN: In the recent years some people could get the feeling that LYN has suddenly started appearing in within their field of interest. But what you don’t know is how much I’ve done quietly, without you knowing. It didn’t matter if I was paid or not, I went. I’ve done so much, just to get to this point. I took every opportunity and crawled here step by step. If you think about it, it was a little fast. C: Ning-ge, artists can depend only on their fans. They also need to have a strong sense of their own business capability. LYN: Of course, that’s a necessity. Having fans just determines whether you are given the opportunity. If people like you and indulge you, then the platforms are willing to use you. They give you the chance but whether you can grab it and hold on to it depends on your own ability. If they gave you ten chances and you only succeeded at three, there might be some chances left for the future. But if they gave you ten chances and you didn’t succeed at any... then you have a problem. No matter how many fans you have, you still won’t be able to make it (if you yourself doesn’t have what it takes). I’m very aware of this myself. I know that my fans are the reasons I have these opportunities. Sometimes I’ll go to shoot some commercial and find that the workers there are my fans. This makes me wonder if I got the job because my fans recommended me for it. That’s why my fans are my capital. LYN: I believe that I have to strike the iron while it’s hot. Some things you have to strive for yourself. First of all I have a strong Northeastern personality and secondly I’m not young. So I can see things very clearly and it makes me not want to beat around the bush, to put it nicely. Why are there people who are always with me in my streams, or why do people like watching me stream? It’s because I tend to be a little brutally honest. I don’t like using flowery language- I mean, who can’t say pretty words? Everyone can say them, but it’s not me. If I were the exact same as everyone else, I’d be done for. I’m not even as handsome as they are. I don’t have a strong backing like they do. I just think that when I stream I tend to be, comparatively- honest. Of course, I don’t dare to say EVERYTHING. I thought about saying some things before, but I’m already being cursed at to a laughable degree. LYN: I’m not saying these things as an artist. I started off as an extremely ordinary person, and have walked here step by step. It’s not because it got to my head that I want to share the life of being an artist. I just want to share it with you. Honestly I didn’t have the chance to become an artist- this is something that my fans have put together, piece by piece. My very first fans weren’t here to chase stars, they illuminated me. They created me, made me the LYN that can accept these types of jobs (singing and acting). That’s why I want to share with them- how I started off as a singer busking on the streets and made it to this point today where I can accept all these jobs. I want to share with them my thoughts and feelings. But sometimes after I share now, I am very easily targeted and cursed at. As if I’m trying to brag about it or something, you know? So I don’t much say nonsense and just want to work hard on being myself. And by that I mean I have to keep working hard, not “be myself” in the sense that I’ll tell myself not to care about what people say about me. For any industry, and even when you eventually enter society you have to remember one thing: you have to continually improve yourself. Time wont stop for you if you’re not moving forward. As long as you’re standing still, you’re falling behind. You have to keep moving forward. LYN: To reply to that person’s question from earlier. “How did LYN get famous?” I’m not famous. I’m going to keep working hard and hope that I can become better and better in the future. I’m just an ordinary person. Extremely ordinary. I didn’t grow up with a golden spoon or under wondrous circumstances- I got here today from my own hard work. “Success”- although I wouldn’t call myself successful- or having opportunities, rather... other than through hard work, luck is a big factor. I’m just a little lucky, and so was able to go from an ordinary person to the person I am today, sitting here streaming for you and having so many of you like me. That’s my luck, my fortune. LYN: A lot of people ask, “Why LYN? Why does he deserve it?” There is no “why”- it’s just like buying a lottery ticket and winning the jackpot. Would you go to the winner’s house and shout at them, asking them why they deserved to win the lottery?? “Why didn’t /I/ win??” I think this way of thinking is very strange. They won a prize and you’re unhappy and so you go up to them and ask why they deserve it? But the problem is that you’re not even buying the tickets!! If you did, you would also get the chance. So why would you be unhappy that someone else won a game you’re not even participating in?? C: (you got here) Because you can talk yourself up. LYN: I didn’t get here because of my mouth- and it has brought me no small amount of trouble. LYN: But if you have the time to be envious of other people or feel that something is unfair, you should use it to work on bettering yourself. Before you ask why someone else deserved to win the lottery, you can ask yourself why you never even tried to buy a ticket to gain the opportunity to win. LYN: I think a good thing about me is that I have a good state of mind, in that I will never envy someone else. If someone is living better than I am, I never envy them and wonder why they deserve it. I’ve never had that thought, even when I was young. How other people are living their lives has nothing to do with me. I only know that I have to take care of my own. I know that I was put on this earth to live for 60-70 or 70-80 years at most- to live for myself. It shouldn’t matter to you how other people are living their lives.

LYN: Am I trending? I’m not even famous yet, but I have the opportunity to be trending? I don’t believe it. I don’t believe I have the right to be on the list of trending topics. I don’t believe it so I’m going to go check it out. LYN: Honestly a lot of the people watching my stream here, even the one who aren’t my fans, your family environment and your lives aren’t all that bad. You’re probably much better off. But even so... keep working hard. Keep working hard and make your way- there will always be opportunity, so there’s no need to feel down. Someone earlier was spamming the chat, saying, “Ning-ge, I still have four day’s worth of homework to finish.” If you can’t even finish your homework, what do you expect to do with your life??? Also, if you have four day’s worth of homework left to do, what are you telling me for?? Do you want me to do your homework for you? Go do your homework, stop watching the stream. Later when you enter society you’re... you’re going to be crying and begging to go back to the days where you needed to do homework. C: If you don’t do your homework, what do you want to do? Pick big shit? (挑大粪) [t/n: 挑大粪 (tiāo dà fèn) = used to scold children who don’t like to learn. If they don’t study hard, they won’t be able to get into university, and then land a “lowly” job.] LYN: Don’t say that about other people. C: Ning-ge, your hard work is exactly what I like about you. LYN: I’m not really working that hard, though? Please don’t say that I work hard. I’m not, and I don’t want to make myself out to look like someone who puts a lot of effort into things. I don’t- I also sleep every day. It’s not as if I’m forgoing sleep in my attempts to “make efforts.” When it’s time for me to sleep, I sleep. When it’s time for me to play games, I also play games. When I have time I also watch a movie or two. I’m not working hard 24/7- that’s not the path I’m taking.

LYN: I think one of the good things about me- I guess it’s not a “good thing”- but something about me is that I don’t like to consume alcohol. Some people seem to have the misconception that I am a very good drinker, who goes out to have a drink with people and leave with a job- that’s not the case. I’m pretty much down with one glass. I don’t like drinking, and I don’t have much of a tolerance. That’s why when there are gatherings after work is finished for the day I very rarely go to them. If I had the time for that, I would choose to come back and stream instead. I would stream, even if it came off as for “revenge”. I count not drinking as one of my pros. Of course, I’m sure that many of you like to drink, and I’m not saying that’s a bad thing. I just think that in regard to my work ethic, it’s a good thing. I don’t actually have the time to be going around drinking with people, and it happens that I don’t like drinking anyway. Once in a while is okay- a few sips while chatting with friends- but my tolerance is extremely low. So that’s why when we wrap up for the day and people want to get together for a meal and drinks, I come home to stream.

C: I came from the trending topics. LYN: Is it very complicated to enter my stream if I’m NOT on the trending topics? It’s not that hard, but I’m guessing it’s because you haven’t subscribed to my weibo. Subscribe, alright? That way when I start the stream it will notify you right away. Immediately- they’ll send you a message. It’s a 1-on-1 service. C: Weibo doesn’t tell me. // I’ll subscribe right now. LYN: Really? Thank you. Thank you to everyone who is following me. I think many of you who are watching are really kind. Many of you might not be my fan at all, but because I asked if you could bother to subscribe to my weibo, you did. It doesn’t bring them any benefit to subscribe to me, but it’s actually a big help to me. Because every single fan and subscriber I get means that later when I am contracted for some work or another, I can bring in an extra 3-5 bucks. It’s a possibility. X’D C: I came in from the topic trending at #28. LYN: Am I really on it? Let me go take a look. Is it the entertainment tab or the main one, can someone look for me? - /cue: ~you are my destiny~/

LYN: I’m happy :)

C: Ning-ge, I’ve subscribed to you. Aren’t you on good terms with ZLY, can you ask her for an autograph for me? LYN: >.<; Ehm... AREN’T YOU GETTING AHEAD OF YOURSELF?!? - C: Ning-ge, If you’re too cheesy about half the people will leave. LYN: That’s unwarranted. They wouldn’t. - LYN: You guys, friends- Honestly, once you get to talking with me, you’ll realize that I am someone who has been around the social ringer. Like the person earlier who told me that they subscribed to my weibo and asked for an autograph from ZLY in exchange- it’s clear that this person is not someone who entered society and lived through hard times. If they were, they wouldn’t be able to request such a thing. When you ask someone to do something for you, you should say it like this, “Liu Yuning. I really admire you. Could you.. um- give me your autograph? But, I have a friend who also really likes ZLY. Could you, if it’s convenient, ask her for an autograph as well?” That’s how you should do it. First of all, you have acknowledged me; then secondly you have a FRIEND who likes ZLY, not yourself. If you ask this way your success rate will increase by 50%. Do you understand? That’s how you should properly do things. And if one day I really send you my and ZLY’s autographs, and you tear mine up- I wouldn’t know about it but I would still be happy. Coming here to ask for other people’s stuff right off the bat- do you think you would be successful? If you’re going to beg someone to do something for you, you have to pander to who you’re asking first. That way you’re more likely to successfully reach your goal. Got it? Now you’ve learned. C: Ning-ge, the method you talked about is a bit of hypocritical. As an upright person, I don’t fall for such underhanded tactics. LYN: You don’t have to use them. You can just think of it as me saying some nonsense. Just listen to me for entertainment. C: Ning-ge, if you say that then people will really consider you a hypocrite. LYN: I mean- the people who say this, I mean the one who is teaching you this method- You still think that’s hypocritical?? You must not know what that word means. I’ve already spelled it all out for you such great detail- what else do you want me to do? LYN: I can answer in the standard ways. If you don’t believe me, you can ask me questions and I’ll answer. I’ll use the previous question as an example and prove that I can answer beautifully. That is, asking me if I can get a signed autograph from ZLY for you. If you want me to answer the proper way. First you’ve got to acknowledge ZLY as a person- “Oh, I see this friend likes ZLY? Wow, I didn’t expect you to have the same taste as I do. I also think that ZLY is amazing and I also admire her. Therefore, I think we have good taste. However, I don’t want to bother her, so as a friend I don’t think I can just ask her for her autograph whenever people ask me. I hope you understand. Unfortunately, I am unable to get that autograph for you. But, I do have LYN’s autograph, if you don’t mind it, you can give me your address and I can send it to you. What do you think? If you need it, you can give me your address and I can send it over.” That’s the “standard” answer, friends. I also know how to say them. C: No, Ning-ge, that’s even worse. LYN: Wow, I really hope you all can live in the real world. Jiayou. I hope you maintain that attitude forever.

C: LYN, I admire you very much. Can I have your autograph? LYN: LOLOL. Let me think of a standard answer... Thank you for your admiration. I’m not an amazing person but I am very thankful the fact that you like me and I hope you are happy every day. As for the autograph, my company-my boss- does not allow me to just give them out to anyone. That’s the company rule, I hope you can understand. I hope that you continue to do well in school or work, and everything goes smoothly for you. If there comes a day when I can end my contract with my company, I will definitely make it up to you with an autograph. My current company is called “Liu Yuning Studio” and the boss is... myself. But the boss does not allow it. Please understand. It’s not me that does not allow it- it’s my boss. The boss is no good. It has nothing to do with me, no one in my company is allowed to give autographs. The boss is LYN. I hope you can understand. Thank you. LYN: The trick is to put the responsibility on the company, and this not only does not offend the asker but also thanks them. Right? It’s a perfect answer. // Even though I am a person who likes to “cook” their boss. If I am unsatisfied with the work I’ll just “cook” them! C: Ning-ge, then I don’t want your autograph. Your boss’ will do. LYN: LOL. LYN: Usually that’s not the way I answer, though. When people ask me for my autograph I always say you’ll get the chance. Don’t worry, there are always chances. As long as you like me there is nothing but chances to get my autograph. You’ll have it one day. Don’t worry, just wait.

C: Ning-ge, is that a wig? LYN: What else can it be? Did you just come in? When I started the stream I had black hair- am I holding a salon stream today? I’ll teach you how to bleach your hair?? I just felt like my hair was too messy- it’s too long - so I went to find this wig that I bought a while ago. It’s good that I get to make use of it.

C: Liu-ge, “kill” me. LYN: A white haired boy just “kills” you?

(~1:34:50 minute mark)

C: This is a little non-mainstream. LYN: For someone like me.. someone as old as me.. who hasn’t gone non-mainstream before? I remember at that time, what my favorite song was called. - /玫瑰花的葬礼 (The Funeral of Roses)/ C: Ning-ge, weren’t you just saying you were born after ‘00? LYN: ... What about it? Are those born after ‘00 not allowed to listen to this song?? Does music have an age-limit now, and minors can’t listen??

- /不分手的恋爱 (Unbreakable Love) by WSL/ - /海绵宝宝 (Sponge Baby) by WSL/ LYN: Those of us born after ‘00 all listen to these types of songs. :p C: I love this song! LYN: Of course, those born after ‘00 also like songs like “寻一个你 (Searching for You)” :) LYN: ... How come I can’t find any accompaniment?

- /该死的温柔 (So Damned Gentle)/ C: That’s too old. LYN: Then let me find something newer. - /吻得太逼真 (Kiss Too Realistic)/ LYN: Every song can stir up the memories of us ‘00+ -ers. - /兰花指 (Orchid Fingers)/ - /Always Online/ LYN: These are all the memories of ‘00+ -ers.

LYN: Someone just requested a song that I think is VERY suitable for those born after ‘00 to listen to. - /面具 (Persona)/ [t/n: Kangta?!?]

LYN: Someone requested something else, let me look for it. - /秋天不回来 (Autumn Doesn’t Come Back)/ LYN: It’s a little difficult for me.

- /等一分钟 (Wait One Minute)/ - /断点 (Break Point)/ - /was going to play 求佛 (Pray to Buddha) but switched to 那女孩对我说 (She Told Me)/ -- [t/n: that little bit of 求佛 (Pray to Buddha) we heard from Liu-Guo-Zhou in The Truth was nice tho!] LYN: The lyrics aren’t moving. They’re frozen. In that case, sorry, I won’t sing this one (那女孩对我说 (She Told Me)).

- /单身情歌 (Single Love Song)/ - /0932/ LYN: A lot of you have probably never heard of this song (0932)...

- /我爱的人 (The One I Love)/ LYN: ... I forgot how to sing it!

- /这是我的爱 (This is My Love)/ LYN: (singing the wrong part of the lyrics?)

- /你爱我像谁 (Who Do You Love Me Like)/ LYN: (quoting the lyrics, a little) Honestly, I’m very worried, you just can’t see~ C: These are such old songs. LYN: I’ll find something even older for you. - /芹菜 (Celery) by Jimmy Lin/ LYN: This is old enough, right? This is a very early song.

- / 下個, 路口, 見 (Meet You at the Next Intersection)/ LYN: I can’t really do this one. The key is too high. It’s too high for me.

- / 丁香花 (Lilac)/ LYN: What else is there? Another old song.... 涛声依旧? How about this- if your mom is home, call her over so she can listen with you. LYN: Friends- no one can succeed so easily. There are simply too many songs that I know. - / 涛声依旧 (The Sound of Waves Remain)/ LYN: Sorry- I’m actually not too familiar with this song. I failed on this one.

LYN: Cheers, everyone. I’m suddenly acting drunk- I don’t know why. - /月半弯 (Crescent Moon)/ C: Oh, so it was this song. LYN: Yes, this song is also very old.

LYN: 千千阙歌? People have been singing this one a lot lately, so I didn’t want to play it... - /千千阙歌 (A Thousand Songs)/ - /突然的自我 (Suddenly Myself)/ LYN: I need to grab my guitar again!

LYN: Let’s try one of Li Zhongsheng’s songs. When I sang at the bar I was known as the “Little Li Zhongsheng” - / 山丘 (Hills)/ LYN: This accompaniment sort of makes my head hurt. This.. this version doesn’t seem to be very good. - /凡人歌 (Song of an Ordinary Man)/

LYN: I think it’s about time, but I’m having a good time. - Happy New Year~ (It’s 12am) LYN: Thank you friends, for spending a few hours with me. Someone said this hairstyle was non-mainstream, which suddenly sent us on this wonderful musical journey. My goodness- I’m... I’m happy. So I kept singing a few older songs and I hope they helped you remember some happy memories of your own. I want to wish you a happy new year- we’ve crossed the 12am boundary together, which means we’ve spent another year together. Happy New Year! The thing is, one of the rules of my stream is that if we go from one day into the other, that counts as having spent the year together. It’s already 12:01am so a lot of you have spent the new year with me. Since that’s the case, could you also subscribe to my weibo? Please subscribe. Thank you, everyone.

C: Ning-ge, turn off the special effects. LYN: I never had them on? Or are you talking about the snow? Or did you think my white hair was an effect? It’s not.

C: I put you on special notifications. LYN: Thank you for that.

LYN: Alright, it’s about time. It’s past 12a and I was thinking I would stream up until here and then sign off. We didn’t really talk much, but it counts as having chatted a little. We listened to a few songs and sang a few songs. When you get off from school or work you could go to a KTV to sing, but Ning-ge doesn’t have that opportunity. I can’t go to a KTV to sing, so I can only come here to release some stress. Today it counts as having gone to a KTV together, then. LYN: I hope you had a relaxing, happy, and wonderful night. It was great to have you and I hope you had fun. Let’s meet the next time. Good night, everyone!

#Liu Yuning #lyn livestream #(2:31:39)#this is his 1314th post #and it's a stream for fans #(一生一世)#topics:#ning-ge called us 'baby'~~#there's a marathon in hengdian and a bunch of artists are participating? not lyn tho #lyn tries peking opera style #self intro #(he put on the white wig and suddenly started pushing that he was born after the '00's. LOL)#bit of a song relay #he sure knows every song alright

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