#(going thru all the same 'hi my name is'-ing while trying to make friends - which i'm really bad at in academia bc i focus really hard - )

[arronjustin]

Lover Album Review 2020

Hello, I hope everyone is doing good! How’s the Rapunzel-ing going on?

I just got an email from work confirming about my termination. Great! Keep the good news coming! It keeps getting worse. I just hope that I’ll get my unemployment insurance and the stimulus check. If not… I don’t know. Have faith!

Anywayyy… Soon you’ll get better! We’ll get better! Soon! Just like what Taylor said. Speaking of Taylor Swift… In times like these, when you’re in a quarantine, bored, or sad, she’ll be there to help you fight it thru her songs. Yes T. Swizzle, our queen, our hero haha! I have a lot of time so I am going to make a review of her 7th album, Lover. This is a review from a lover (no pun intended :))) or a fan so this will be like 100% good vibes. Negativity is not allowed here. No rats allowed here. This is a review from a fan that played the album a hundred times already or should I say a million times hehe. This is a review from a fan, not a musician or an expert from the industry so this is a jargon-free review haha! So here we go! And this is gonna be quite long so patience my friend.

“Welcome to bridge city!”. If your town needs someone to build a bridge, just message Taylor. All the bridge parts in this album are phenomenal.  If Red is a TS autumn album, definitely Lover is for summer. It’s perfect that she released it summer. What confused me is, why it got snubbed at Grammys? Why? How? Or at least give the Grammy to Norman Fucking Rockwell! Ugh. Going back to the topic… Lover is like the summation of all her past albums but mostly from 1989 and Reputation. She also introduced new sounds due to new collaborations in writing and producing. From her past pop albums, mostly it’s just with Jack Antonoff and now she’s with Joel Little also. I was expecting a deluxe/extended version of the album though! 18 songs are not enough haha!

*FYI, Taylor brought back the 80’s music in the industry with her album 1989 (2014). She’s the one who started it. The rest just followed. I’m not starting a fight here haha!

I Forgot That You Existed – This song is really a good opening. A feel-good song. The perfect song when you wake up. Also I think, this song will be a good single. The music video can be like, walking on a field or like just biking on the street with a sunny weather haha! With this song, she wants us to know that her dark era (Best comeback & tour ever! Like ever.) is done and that she’s completely over with this DJ (I forgot his name jk. ) who had a show that nobody came haha jk!

Cruel Summer – Best song ever. I mean, aside from All Too Well and Our Song haha! … And Getaway Car. Damn, don’t ask me about her best song coz I’m not sure if can answer that. Because they’re all good! They’re the best. Same with asking me her worst song! My answer will be forever N/A! Anyway, no doubt that this song is the continuation of Getaway Car. Try to put this song next to Getaway Car, I’ll give you $100 if you disagree. The closing beat of GC really fits CS. Let’s talk about the bridge of this song. It’s a masterpiece. This bridge is so good that in the future it can be like historical where students study it for their literature subject hehe. It’s so good that Taylor even repeated the bridge at the ending. If you’ll be reading this Taylor, please release this as a single! Pretty please with sugar on top! When you didn’t release Getaway Car as a single, I got sick. I can’t talk, eat, and even move due to frustration haha jk! But please! Release this on summer! Music video ideas? Just PM haha! Would it be cool if the music video will start at the last part of Getaway Car?

Lover – The first time I heard this, I was like… I wish I have someone right now to dance on this song. Are they married already? Engaged? Definitely, my wedding song. No Lover, no wedding haha!

The Man – This should be the first single in my opinion. The message is perfect and it’s catchy and unique. But I guess, they released Me! because it’s good for all ages.

The Archer – I don’t know but this song makes me really sad. The saddest track 5 song. And I think this track 5 song is kind of different compare to others coz this is about all your struggles in life, not just with a heartbreak? Well, that’s my interpretation haha! Please don’t kill me if its different from yours.

I Think He Knows – Yeah I know, another great song haha! I mean duh, they’re all great. I don’t need to tell it. Everytime I hear this song, Janelle Monáe keeps popping up from my head. She can have this song!

Miss Americana & The Heartbreak Prince – When I first saw the title I was like, is this a Fall Out Boy song? The first time I heard it, this is a good OST!

Paper Rings – Cute song. Another song that is perfect for OST. A rom-com movie!

Cornelia Street – The storytelling here is really good (Shout out to All Too Well again!) especially when you’re familiar with the place. I even tried to listen to it while walking on the street of Cornelia haha! Then it rained jk. Now I just need to rent a place in Cornelia street. Typed it casually in my room. Not my car. No pun intended hehe.

Death By A Thousand Cuts – This is like Look What You Made Me Do part 2 due to the horror vibe that I get from this song haha! The title and the my, my part along with that background sound that you usually hear in some horror movies. But the guitar part in the chorus makes me want to cry from being heartbroken and how life can be beautiful haha! When the album got released, this song was on repeat.

London Boy – Now everyone wants a London Boy and boys from London couldn’t be more proud of themselves. I hear This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things in this song.

Soon You’ll Get Better – Let me get a tissue first before I start with this song. Jk. I didn’t cry after hearing this song for the first time but I got headache due to resisting it hehe. If this song didn’t do anything for you, you’re a monster, a rat. :))) BTW, it’s so nice to hear Dixie Chicks again after a long time. I love their version of Can’t Hurry Love haha!

False God – Sexy saxophone hello! I feel like it’s a grown up song that’s why I cant relate haha! A coat and tie song. You know what I mean? Don’t worry, me too. It’s a sexy song, a date song. Like a good background when you’re having a dinner date (in NYC) and the next deed after that date. *Insert devil emoji.

You Need To Calm Down – I failed to calm down after seeing the music video of this. Queens everywhere in the music video. The message and video are indeed powerful.

Afterglow – When you want to emote, this song will help you. Feel free to do an interpretative dance. This will help you to calm down and be relaxed after what You Need To Calm Down served us.

Me! – Yes with the exclamation point! This song never fails to startled me especially after playing Afterglow. The silence and then suddenly… “I promise that…” haha! Like, WTF Taylor stop scaring me haha! But I won’t really forget the excitement I had when I was waiting for the release of the music video and the feeling of seeing it for the first time. Priceless. Definitely, this will be the encore song for the tour!

It’s Nice To Have A Friend – Is this about wedding? But what I’m really sure of is that this song is perfect for winter. You’re inside your room next to your window drinking hot chocolate watching snow fall, confirming if all snowflakes are really different from each other and this is your background music.

Daylight – I lost count already on how many times I used this song as a background music for my sunrise/sunset Instagram story. I agree with you Taylor, you are what you love. And the Red reference, brilliant! You know what, even until now I still can’t decide which closing song is the best. Clean or this? Or Begin Again? Here we go again… I. don’t. know. Coz they’re all great haha! Is it just me because I’m a Gemini or is it really hard to decide which one is her best song because all of Taylor’s songs are so good and incomparable!

Andddd we’re done haha! Reading is fun! Right? Haha! Stay Safe!

*This is originally from my WordPress.

@taylorswift @taylornation

#taylor swift #taylor nation #lover #lover album #reputation #red #1989 #swifties #swiftie #album review #lol #coronavirus #reblog #jack antonoff #joel little #lana del rey #norman fucking rockwell #all too well #me! #you need to calm down #the man taylor swift #taylurking

[arkangel246-blog]

i’m not sure how to go about this, so i’m just gonna start & see where it takes me.  i’m going thru some serious depression right now.  if i told you everything i’ve been thru you’d more than likely accuse me of lying; no one person could possibly have dealt with so much.  that almost sounds like bragging, but believe me,  it’s not.  i definitely wonder why i’m still here, if not for some ‘purpose,’ but it all feels pretty pointless much of the time.  

i’m a 59 yr old mother of 2 sons, 2 almost-grown grandsons, and a lot of what’s eating at me right now is the fact that Mom’s Day (AND my b-day last month) came & went without more than a ‘happy birthday’ post from my daughter-in-law.   my youngest son hasn’t had anything to do with me for so long i didn’t expect anything from him, but usually my oldest will at least text me.  he did, after all, move me from the okc metro a few years ago 2 hours northeast to be closer to ‘family.’   at this point i’m not quite sure who’s pulling away from whom.  i just know i feel like an orphan without children, without family of any kind, and i don’t know how to really change anything.   people have said, ‘i’d go camp out on MY child’s front yard until we worked thru things!’ but i guess i’m afraid it might push them away even farther, and i guess i also feel responsible.  but part of me is also screaming that i haven’t seen a bar, dated any more creeps, or been 5150′ed in a decade so you’d think that’d count for something,  right?  

where to begin?  i guess we can work backwards, & start with telling you about my last marriage.  and i DO mean, LAST.  

i met kyle in october, ‘01, and like so many, i really thought i’d found my knight in shining armor.  a co-worker introduced us,  telling me, ‘he owns an OIL company, just built a new house, and is SOOO nice!  you really HAVE to meet him!’  a week later we were inseparable, picking out a ring that shocked even his mother who said, ‘he must REALLY love you, because he’s TIGHT!” (meaning he was cheap. i had no clue... truly).   i knew he drank every day, and truthfully, i liked to drink too, so it sorta seemed to be a match made in heaven (or hell).  but i soon came to realize he generally started drinking before noon (running a company provided him that option), and nothing i could say could convince him to wait til later in the day.  i could never drink every day, & seeing him passed out every night before the sun went down got old fast.  when i met his folks i quickly realized it was a learned habit.  his mom & dad, who’d handed the company over to kyle & his brother so they could retire, did the same, to the point of being insulted if you didn’t choose to drink with them at family get-togethers, no matter how early in the day.  so who was i to go against family tradition?  

we hadn’t been married more than a few months the first time he threw what would become his grown-ass-man, 2 yr old tantrum.  he jumped up & down, spat and frothed at the mouth through bared teeth, and called me the name i came to be known by almost daily:  worthless, piece of sh!t, C-U-Next-Tuesday.  my transgression?  an ANA autoimmune tests for lupus/sjogrens/scleroderma, (one, or the other or any combination) had come back positive causing my insurance premium to more than triple, which in turn affected the small business’s employees’ premiums.  

now any ‘normal’ person would’ve run like hell at that point.  keyword being ‘normal,’  of course.  it’s funny how you can think a previous husband has been ‘abusive,’  until you actually marry someone who makes the one before seem like Winnie the Pooh.   i don’t know the exact moment i started believing i could ‘fix’ him  --- that i could do this, that or the other thing well enough that he wouldn’t beat the hell outta me, but in less than a year i’d begun begging ambulance drivers to take me to different ER’s because so many of the doctors were all-too-familiar with me.  i know this was after one repeat ER doctor refused to treat me again, storming out of the area voicing loudly, ‘the women who go back to these men DESERVE what they get.’   that time i called a cab, tucked my tail between my legs, & yes, went back home to him feeling like surely i HAD done something to deserve it or that doctor really wouldn’t have said so.  

after EMG tests were positive for nerve damage in my arms & legs, & i was put in arm splints and prescribed a ton of neurontin, i moved into the 2nd bedroom.  we had gone through a brief separation, both filing for divorce, but a combination of not really having anywhere to go & being so sick (both physically AND emotionally) i found myself back with him (1st of many times).  now here’s a word of warning for anybody who might be in similar circumstances at some point.  if you reunite with a spouse and drop divorce proceedings, LISTEN when your attorney tells you to make certain he ALSO drops the divorce WITH PREJUDICE; i did not.  never in my wildest dreams did i consider that someone who ‘loved’ me so much could possibly put the screws to me, until, a couple months later he called me from the master bedroom to say, ‘SURPRISE! i DIVORCED YOUR ASS on tuesday!  how’s it feel?’  

during a time when i was almost bedfast he’d gone back to court, had his friends testify against me claiming that i chose not to show up, and yes, the divorce was final.  since i had been served months before when we both had filed for divorce and his attorney had dismissed the proceedings WITH PREJUDICE, he was able to completely finalize it without my knowledge whatsover.   and it didn’t hurt that his company had an attorney on the payroll.  

there were times when i believed he wanted me around as long as he wasn’t responsible for my bills & i didn’t cost him very much.  i cooked, cleaned, & took excellent care of endless cats he & a friend continued to bring in.  i’ll never understand why he did this.  i learned at one point that he had kicked his 1st wife’s small dog to death years before when she went out with girlfriends he hadn’t approved of, so why he was so good with all these cats i’ll never know.  at one point we were up to 11 of them, 100% indoors, with white carpet, and in able to do all that needed done i was being prescribed almost every controlled substance there was.  i bathed several each month, while he’d toss an old towel on top of any hacked hairballs indicating that i had a mess to clean up.    

after our divorce was done without my knowledge i did get an attorney who was going to re-file & make the judge aware of what he’d done, but he agreed at that time to pay for everything until my disability went through, which he did. we hadn’t been legally married long enough that he might’ve been required to do even that much, so i accepted that.  he paid for a halfway decent apartment on the southwest side, but even then, he continued to come over when he felt the need to ‘vent.’   i had barely had the utilities turned on when it all went sideways & to this day i don’t know how he didn’t kill me.   i knew from past experience he was going to get my phone when he headed towards the bedroom so i tried to get past him before he could.   my next thought was, ‘he’s really killed me this time,’  when i found myself sliding upside down on the wall, coming down hard on my head.  it’s the only time in my life when i really had that slow motion experience so many speak of.  surprisingly i was able to shake my head and found myself alive, slowly able to get up with him screaming, ‘get the F up!  i never F-ing touched you!’  his perfect handprint was left in purple on my upper arm by the next day, along with a purple ridge along my back ribs from a ridge between the kitchen and pantry where i’d been thrown.  i was able to get him out of the apartment that night, thanking all the powers that be that i was ‘ok,’  only to go down like a ton of bricks the next day in the parking lot.  i heard and felt a loud POP in my neck....  like a rubber band popping...   and after some maneuvering showed i wasn’t gonna be able to even get on my hands & knees to crawl neighbors carried me back inside and called 9-1-1.  

tests showed a bone fragment in the sub-arachnoid space at the base of my skull, & i was in & out of a wheelchair for quite a while.  doctors knew my situation, and just sorta avoided the expected questions probably figuring i’d lie anyway.  the truth was my disability had yet to come through at that time, and if i’d put him in jail for that i’d have been homeless.  HOMELESS, with very limited use of my arms & legs even after all the cervical epidurals allowable and tons of physical therapy.   my mother had visited once long enough to assure me that i’d have to go into a nursing home if i stayed in the wheelchair because she wasn’t able (or willing) to take care of me.  so i taped a cell to myself at times to keep it within arm’s reach, and crawled to clean the litter box & feed myself for a while, but somehow, i regained the use of everything in time.  

except my brain.  if i hadn’t proven to be a total idiot already i’d claim landing on my head caused brain damage.  

not too long after my disability was approved while in the same apartment i found myself in a different kind of fight.  i took trash out to the dumpster around the corner - and i thought i locked the door behind me.  i generally did, but honestly, i still don’t know for sure.  i came back into the apartment & down the hallway into my bedroom where somebody grabbed the back of my head ramming me headfirst into a full-length mirror shattering it.   the next thing i remembered was waking up in the hallway in a mess of goo and yuck, disoriented, trying to figure out what had happened.  every movement hurt like hell, and once in the bathroom i saw my face was cut & bruised, & could feel other injuries starting to sting.   i cleaned up blood & the broken mirror pieces, took a bath & when i started to realize what had happened, called my son.  “It was KYLE, Mom.  KYLE did this!’  he said when i told him i thought i’d been raped.  i promised him i’d call 911, which i did, and a complete rape kit was done along with over 200 pictures taken.   afterwards i called Kyle & told him i’d been raped, and he simply hung up the phone.  did he HEAR me? it wasn’t unusual for him to be so drunk by that time of night i couldn’t even understand him, and sometimes he had just hung up on me or passed out on the phone.   one thing i DID know is that he was impotent.  i had been torn vaginally AND rectally, and he had pretty much zero interest in sex, so i couldn’t fathom how he might’ve been responsible for this.   so without another phone call to him, i made arrangements to move out of state nearer my kids into a secure apartment bldg.  as we were leaving town my son called him to say we’d left cats in the apartment and i was gone.  

you’d think that would’ve been the end of Kyle & me, wouldn’t you? but no.  if i’d been smart, you bet, but nobody ever accused me of having good sense.  

long before he & i were really over a warrant was issued for his arrest for sexual assault, i had to plead his case & his innocence fearing for my life.  i’d shoot up his house and be 5150′ed when i couldn’t quite bring myself to blow my brains out with a 9mm.  i’d called my sons that horrific night begging them to tell me they loved me at which time 1 said, ‘you’ve got a wrong number’,  and the other said, ‘go for it, Mom.’   it was several more years before i finally did leave with bruising severe enough to require a CT scan of my face.   PTSD has been added to my list of maladies & i wake up screaming on a fairly regular basis, the nightmares i can remember too gruesome for words.   kyle drank himself to death a couple years ago, and oddly enough, even though i hadn’t had any contact with him in 5 yrs i knew when he died.  i woke up middle of the night with something telling me to google his full name, & when i did i found a classified with his sister handling his estate, the company attorney listed as well.   when i emailed his longtime drinking buddy i was told kyle had ‘gone off the deep end,’  and that house he’d demanded i keep the white carpet pristine in had been 3 feet deep in beer cans when he was found 5-6 days after his apparent demise.  i’m guessing the cats feasted on his meaty parts.  

my doctor asked me recently how i felt when i learned of his death, & i told him that i’d cried.  the man had never owned a ‘used’ car,  or lived in anything except new homes.  he’d been handed an oil & gas company right out of college that was barely getting by, most likely because both he & his brother were drunk daily before noon.   it was just a total waste of a life that could’ve been used to do so much good.  a complete & total waste.  

the day i had someone helping me get my things to leave kyle had come into the house from the back alley with his buddy way earlier than usual, and taken off in his buddy’s truck like lightning seeing me packing.  i’d already gotten an emergency protective order but with the garage on the alley he’d had no way of knowing i hadn’t just eaten a few extra oxy’s and passed back out (typical) after i kneed him in the groin to get him off me, his hands from around my throat.    it wasn’t unusual for kyle & his buddy to drink in the garage daily, after about 3 or so, but it was noon when they’d come in.  i remembered sending kyle & his buddy pics of my swelling face the night before, telling them,  ‘never again.  he’s never gonna touch me or anybody else again.’  my knees went a little weak recalling the usual threats.  he’d told me over & over again how easy it’d be for my body to disappear, that it would make something called ‘condensate’ and nobody would ever find me when i was disposed of at a well site.  i couldn’t help but wonder if this was that time.  

there are probably still people surprised that i finally left and stayed gone, but that was 7 1/2 years ago & somehow the thought of what might have been kept me away.   he’d sent me a friend request the summer before his death, which i promptly deleted.  DELETE, DELETE, DELETE.  no, thank, you.  

[letsimportanttreecollection-blog]

Tip cheap car insurance for one month only

"Tip cheap car insurance for one month only

Tip cheap car insurance for one month only

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Tip cheap car insurance for one month only

Car insurance question?

My dad has full coverage on his car, my brother's ex wife has her car insured with his address. She doesn't live there, but is using his address for her car insurance purposes. His premium keeps going up, although its two different premiums, does it affect him because she is also using the same address? My dad is 70, and this girl is 27. Thanks""

Why can't I get car insurance?

I passed my driving test on the 11/10/12 I am not the registered owner on the V5 Log Book, my father is already insured on the vehicle that will be handed over to me as a shared car yet, I can't get my own insurance because I had one claim as a provisional license back in 2010, would it be better to go as an additional driver on my fathers policy or somehow resolve the problem as be the policy holder myself. Also my father admits he will be no longer needing the car when the insurance expires, but what do I do? just to be able to drive my car as I've only recently passed and want to go out for a drive!!!! Will the log book eventually need to be in my name so I can insure it? Also I'm having great difficulty with the claims, I can't seemed to be insured just because of a motorcycle accident claim that wasn't even my fault! thanks.""

How much is Audi A4 1.8t insurance?

I know there are a lot of things to take into consideration when getting insurance quotes and all but I was on craigslist and I found a nice little 2005 Audi A4 1.8t and I wanted to get an idea of insurance. I know that it is considered a luxury sedan and its foreign from Germany so those are going to make it more expensive. It puts out around 170hp and 160 trq. The car has great crash test ratings too. Seller is asking a little under $6000 and I don't know how many miles are on it yet. Other things to consider are that im only 19 so it would go under my fathers name. I know its hard to estimate what insurance would be but if anyone can come up with a good idea or if they own one themselves. Im not completely sold on the car but I just wanted a little help from the yahoo community. Any help would be greatly appreciated. I know Im not giving you a lot of info to work with.

""Add a teen to auto insurance policy, please help.?""

My dad is getting ready to renew his car insurance, I got my learner's permit in December of last year, and I do drive the car a lot, (with him of course....or not) but if he include me on his policy his premium will be over $1000, move like $1400 - $2000. Just because he added me to his policy, and his insurance company told him he HAVE TO include me on his policy, but I heard some where if you have a learner's permit, you do not require to be on your parent insurance policy? Or something like that......Is this true? Normally his car insurance only cost like $480.00/per 6 months, I hate for him to make me go out to get a job just to pay the car insurance and to drive.""

How does purchasing a car that was subject to an insurance claim affect the new buyer?

I'm looking to buy a car on autotrader and to be honest I really do not know as much as I would like to about cars. Someone is selling a car for quite a bit cheaper than its worth but the reason they've given for this is that the car has been subject to an insurance claim. In what way will this affect me?

When buying a car what detirmines how cheap insurance will be?

I am currently Looking for a new car and am trying to get the best rate for insurance as possible what features add to or detract from insurance costs thank you

Does anyone know where to get Cheap SR22 Insurance in Texas?

Does anyone know where to get Cheap SR22 Insurance in Texas?

Does anyone who is under 18 and doesn't have health coverage automatically qualify for MassHealth?

We live in Massachusetts and I previously heard that ANYONE who is under 18 and does not have health insurance will automatically qualify for the free state insurance, MassHealth. Does anyone know if this is true because it doesn't really specify online.""

Does your license get suspended for not paying insurance?

Does your license get suspended for not paying insurance?

What's the cheapest insurance i can get?

I live in NYC, i'll be 18 in feb next year and i want to know how much i would have to pay for it. I can't be under someone else's insurance. I don't even have a car yet but it probably won't be anything over 7000 and probably 1990's or early 2000's. Thanks.""

Are there any good arguments for requiring health insurance. Ive only heard arguments against it?

Ive heard the car insurance one, not very solid. I also have heard there will be hardship exemptions and certain levels of income earned that will determine how much help will be given in purchasing insurance. Just looking for somethings to note when someone brings up this part of the bill""

How much can i expect to pay for insurance?

Hi, Well im about to finance a Mercedes-Benz C300 and wanted to know how much should i expect to pay for insurance. Im 19 by the way, have a credit score of 710, dont know if insurance companies look at scores, but finally, this will be my first car. Hope that helps. Thank you!""

""I just received a position where I am given Benefits for the first time, I have questions about Insurance?""

Does what I pay for insurance come out monthly? or every check? what is coinsurance? How do deductibles work? Stupid questions I am sure, but I have never had the option to pick insurance, and I haven't been covered by my parents insurance for at least 7 years. I didn't go to the doctor much when i was covered, so I never learned what my parents had to do.""

""Moving from Texas to Arizona, how will it impact family auto insurance?""

I have auto insurance with my family who lives in Texas, but I am moving to Arizona. Right now my insurance is on a family plan which has multiple vehicles as it is much cheaper than if I were to get the car insurance by itself. If I register my car and license in Arizona, will the insurance agency not allow me to continue insurance with my family as we're in different households and states? Insurance agency is Metlife if that helps.""

Car Insurance for Teen Girl Estimate HELP PLZ?

How much would you estimate that insurance for a 16 year old brand new driver in a 2001 acura integra 2 door hatch back would cost with a good student driver discount? any idea? any one close to those guide lines that have an idea willing to share? Please help thanks

Can my daughter be on my mom's car insurance even if they don't live together?

Hi, my name is Kathy, I'm 19 year old female and want to buy a car but car insurance is just expensive. I want to be put on my grandmothers car insurance but we don't live in the same city. Do you think it would be possible for me to get on there! Thanks for your answers...""

Does anybody know any type of affordable car insurance (South.CA) for a teen who just got his driver license?

Do you know any car insurance that is not too bad (that covers stuff) yet not too expensive (lets say somewhere less than $500 a month)? And could you also please site a reference site? Thank you.

Can I have two cars under two separate car insurance companies read my situation please!?

I have my own insurance on my own car with Farmers Insurance. However, my best friend just bought a new car and her insurance rate sucks. Can I insure my friends car under my name with Gieco and add my friend as a secondary driver and keep my Farmers insurance under my own car? Also, is there any way that Farmers would no if I did this? Do I have to tell anyone I have two insurance companies? Just put insurance, right? THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!""

Is having a health insurance mandatory in California?

I am moving from Massachusetts to California at the end of this month. In Massachusetts its mandatory to have health insurance and if you don't have it you can get penalized on your taxes. Is it mandatory in California as well?

""Do you know cheapest car insurance? My friend is 21, male.?""

Do you know cheapest car insurance? My friend is 21, male.?""

""I dont have insurance or a source of income, help?""

I am eighteen years old and currently have no insurance and I am looking for a job but so far nothing. I have chronic migraine disorder and ptsd, I was on medication for both but after I turned eighteen I lost all insurance I had with my mother. i don't go to school nor can i afford to and i dont know what to do. Help?""

What's the average insurance cost of a 17 year old just strating to drive?

1.) In a 1.0 engine car 2.) In a 1.5 engine car 2.) In a 2.0 engine car

What is the penalty for driving without insurance in california?

what is the penalty for driving without insurance in california?

How much does horse insurance cost?

How much would it cost to insure a 14 year old gelding quarter horse? He is 1,200 pounds and does jumping and dressage. I need to know this ASAP!!!""

I am selling my car while the insurance is about to expire.?

Do I need to buy a short term insurance to cover the car while I am trying to sell it? Btw it is parked on the driveway of my house and I won't have to drive it any more. But when there is a buyer coming to try the car I know it has to be insured at that time. So should I leave it until someone committed to buy the car or get it insured immediately? Hope someone who has same experience to answer this, many thanks.""

Tip cheap car insurance for one month only

Tip cheap car insurance for one month only

Will Health Insurance Reform give us affordable premiums?

We understand the proposed legislation will require insurance companies to accept pre-existing conditions and prohibit them from dumping anyone who gets an awful prognosis. These features are very progressive. Mr. Obama didn't want federally mandated insurance, but the insurance industry does want it. So if everyone is required to sign on, as with car insurance, then we need to shop around for the best rates. What's the bottom line? How can we find out? Can we still ask our Congressional reps to strike this out?""

Which candidate do you agree with on Health insurance?

A=Mandatory universal coverage in first term. Tax credits for working families to make insurance more affordable  ensuring premiums do not exceed a percentage of income. Business would be required to offer insurance to employees or pay into a pool for people without it. Expand Medicare and federal employees' health insurance plan to cover those without adequate workplace insurance. Raise taxes on wealthier families to help pay estimated cost of $110 billion a year. Also, raise taxes on a portion of very generous plans covering people making more than $250,000. B=Mandatory coverage for children, no mandate for all. Aim for universal coverage by requiring employers to share costs of insuring workers and by offering coverage similar to that in plan for federal employees. Says package would cost up to $65 billion a year after unspecified savings from making system more efficient. Raise taxes on wealthier families to pay the cost.""

Motorcycle insurance/registration in IL?

Do I need insurance to register my motorcycle in the state of IL? I know I don't need insurance to register it at the currency exchange, but it's cheaper at the DMV so I rather go there, I just don't know if I need proof of insurance.""

Cheapest Car Insurance (UK) For 17 year old (guy) who just passed test?

Hi, What are the best insurance companies to go to for cheap car insurance for a just passed 17 year old guy? Ive tried go compare and compare the market, but their cheapest quotes were 3700 a year! Are there any good Insurers who arn't on comparison websites, I heard some offer you discounts if you go to them direct. Thanks!""

Can switching to geico really save you 15% or more on care insurance?

...............

How likely is it that my car insurance will go up due to this?

Haven't had a claim in over ten years Haven't gotten a ticket in probably 5 years. But, the neighbor kid did $2K worth of damage to my car with his bike in three separate incidents. Basically, half of it will have to be repainted! I'd really, really rather not go to court. His insurance is NOT an option in this case. He doesn't have $2,000 laying around. IF I go the much easier route of getting him to pay at least my deductible, how likely is State Farm to raise my rates with a, after deductible, claim of about $1500 or so? Any relevant advice/comment is appreciated.""

""What is the average insurance rate for a 19 year old male in Austin, Tx?""

PLEASE give me an actual number, not just how I could find out and what important information I left out. I have had no accidents and an attending school and will be buying an average car. Thanks in advance""

A person with sr22 insurance wrecked my car. Will sr22 cover the damages to my vehicle?

I was unaware the person I let drive my vehicle only had sr22 (Texas) insurance. He totaled my car while I was a passenger in it. My insurance is very unlikely to cover the damages since he is not on our policy, but would his sr22 cover the damages? I am very worried & any and all feedback would be greatly appreciated. Thank you""

Motorcycle insurance on a 2008 crf230l?

(around) How much would motorcycle insurance be for a 16 year old on a Honda crf230l?....thanks

Where can i get cheap car insurance?

Ive tried compare the market and a few of the other leading companies but they all a bit to high for me - whats so annoying is when i find one thats suitable it ends up higher than the listed price. Anyone know of a good one

""Insurance,if I buy a car and get my dad to registered keeper and owner and he insures it wi me as main driver?""

Is this legal their is a space on go compare ask n who the main driver would be ive got dr10 ins10 twice lc20 All from 2008 so cheapest quote is 5k. My dad also has his car too with 8 yrs no claims so idea is to insure my car registered in his name with the 8 yrs no claim s wi me as main driver and insure his car without no claims bonus got a quote on go compare 1000 for my car wr dad as registered keeper me as main driver and he would have to pay on his own car with no claims bonus not on should still b cheaper than , ,5k help!""

Is it possible to obtain a learner's permit without having my parents' insurance rates go up?

I am a 16 year old in NY and my parents do not want me to obtain a learner's permit because they are afraid that their insurance rates will go up and they cannot afford it now. Now, a friend told me that I could go to the NY DMV without my parents and get a learner's permit. Is this possible? I would like a learner's permit not only for the ability to drive, but also as a solid form of photo ID (like, instead of a passport). What should I do about this? PS. My parents won't be convinced.""

Where can I get cheap bike insurance?

I'm having trouble getting a decent quote for my ZX7R, due to my no claims being void becase I haven't ridden for 4 years. Can you help?""

What is the average annual/weekly contents insurance cost?

What is yours or what is the average?

Pregnant w/o insurance.?

I am 6 weeks pregant and do not have insurance. I don't qualify for medicaid anymore because I make too much money, like 1000 over. The problem is that I can't work less or we can't pay our bills. Does anyone know how I can get insurance while I am pregnant??""

Rental car insurance -- what does it cover?

We are going to Vegas in a few days and are renting a car. Since this car is going to be in and out of parking garages, I think it's a good idea to buy the rental car insurance @ $ 10.99 a day. Say while the car is in the parking garage and someone scratches or dings the door, would this insurance cover it? That's all I'm really worried about.""

Is there some sort of reason that Car Insurance costs so much more in Nevada than it does in California?

Im looking into moving, and I cannot help but notice that the quotes I am getting are, well, DOUBLE what I pay in California. Granted, I am a 23 year old male and have a decent driving record, it is kind of shocking to see liability only coverage quoted at $250/month for my two 8 and 12 year old cars, when Im paying $125/mo. as of now in California for the same 100/300 coverage. Can someone explain this? I have some friends that have moved to Las vegas, with the same shocking increase in premiums... (And yes, I need the 100/300 since I own a home)""

Proof Of Car Insurance?

I never owned a car, nor have I need to car insurance. I see I need Proof Of Insurance, How can I bypass proof of insurance when registering/buying a car from a dealership, etc?""

Insurance companies will have 32 million new customers because of Obamacare. How is this socialism?

The Affordable Care Act was modeled after a Republican health care plan by the Heritage Foundation and was first implemented by a Republican governor. All this bill does is makes sure that insurance companies have 32 million new customers. I could understand if you called Single Payer socialism (which I highly support), but calling Obamacare socialist is pretty stupid.""

Smart roadster uk insurance.?

Slight problem, was looking up TPFT insurance quotes for a smart roadster: 500 excess. 7000 yearly premium. 7500 annuall mileage. The car's only worth 8500 it has a 0.7L engine. How do they justify this price gouging?""

How much is car insurance for a 16 year old?

How much would car insurance be for a 16 year old female with a convertible volkswagen?

Can I get medi-cal if I already have health insurance?

I am insured with blue shield in California, and just found out I'm pregnant. My insurance doesn't cover prenatal care. I know my income qualifies me for California's medi-cal coverage for pregnant women, but will having insurance make it so that I won't qualify for medi-cal? Also, my live in boyfriend makes more than the income cap. Will that affect things? I just want to make sure I get some sort of medical care.""

Car insurance quotes?

when i turn 17 (few months) and hopefully pass my test 'm going to most likely going to get a ford fiesta however ive already looked at claims on multiple cars including the fiesta type i will probably get and every quote is around 5000-7000 so i was wondering if i should (give the car to my mum or dad) and get insured on them for a considerable lower price as the car im looking at is around 2000-3000 im not a boy racer or anything so im not gonna mod the car or rag it rotten i was wondering if i will be able to get away with it or should i just get insured on a car that costs less than the insurance? Thanks all that answer

Can I add a person to my insurance if i dont own the car?

Okay, my live in boyfriend just got a car and is leasing it through an auto dealer, and making payments. The car is in his name. I would like to know if he can be added to my insurance policy? Does the car have to be in my name to be on my insurance policy?""

Can i switch over car insurance to new car/ Montana to Wisconsin?

I had insurance for my old car when i was living in Montana, liability coverage or whatever is the cheapest. I got rid of my old car, moved to Wisconsin and bought a new (used) car. Can i switch my insurance over to the new car i bought? I got my insurance through AAA> Any advice would be helpful>thanks""

Tip cheap car insurance for one month only

Tip cheap car insurance for one month only

Where can a marijuana smoker get affordable life assurance?

it depends on if your a heavy smoker or just smoke a few times. if they ask for health records then you will be in a higher quote, but also when they ask you question on health and ...show more""

EMPLOYER INSURANCE VS OUTSIDE INSURANCE?

I work for a company that provides insurance through Health-net. Since the rates aren't that great (ya, what a surprise for Hyundai) I was wondering if could I deny the company insurance and just go with an outside provider? Or if I half to take what ever my company provides me.""

Can i get cheep insurance after being convicted of a 23140 in the California vehicle code?

I got pulled over more then a year ago and had a few beers with my best friend before he left for the armed services. I have the worlds brightest car and this probably wasn't the best idea. This happened 2 months before my 21st bday. My term to not have a licence is almost up and I am scared what my insurance is gonna look like. Does anyone know a way i can get cheep insurance or clear my driving record? Its only a infraction but will seriously mess up my life for the next 10 years. Any advice about programs insurance company s might have to lower costs so i can afford it when this period is up?

""What are my options, health insurance wise?""

I'm 19 and MassHealth is being a b**** and canceling my insurance. I got no job and I'm a full time student. Is there anyway to get insurance like this? I mean, Massachusetts must have something for people like me. Anyone else having this problem and have a solution? If so it would really help.""

How much is insurance for the Acura RSX?

I really want on badly but I'm concern about the costs. I am eighteen year old male and this will be my first car. I just got my license as well.

Is there an affordable health insurance plan?

Hey, I'm 17 years old and I have a baby. We both have MOLINA insurance. But my boyfriend who's 19 doesnt have any health insurance. He works full time and is about to be going to college part time. Well his wisdom teeth are coming in crooked and he cant get them fixed because it costs so much. Is there any health insurance plan that wont cost us an arm and a leg? And doesnt have a catch?""

Gap insurance on new auto?

what is the cost for gap insurance for honda acord 4 door sedan 06 year

Will this lower my insurance?

Im looking at cars to buy for my first car and I was wondering what the insurance cost would be like for a 16 almost 17 year old female for a 1979's 1980's camaro I also maintain a high gpa and get a discount for it aswell and live in las vegas.

""Where can I get cheap car insurance for a vw golf 1.4 51 reg? Im 17 and just passed, I'll b on parents policy?""

I will be on my parents policy, with a parent as the main driver and me as the named driver? Ive looked at tesco value and its coming up as 2500!!! i was hoping more along the lines of 1500""

Why does car insurance cost more in one state but is cheaper in another?

Why does car insurance cost more in one state but is cheaper in another?

Question about car insurance.?

Hi there I bought a car that is about 100 miles away, and is in another state. I will get a ride there to pick it up. But what do I do about insurance do I get some or other temp. insurance to drive it back to my home town? or do I get insurance where I buy it? What is the procedure in this case? Thank you""

Range Rover Insurance?

I know that insurance depend on a lot of factors however I'm just looking for a round about estimate for a 24 year old female with a clean driving record on a 2003 a range rover?

For a first time driver who is 28 who is good for cheap car insurance?

In the uk

Why is a five door car cheaper to insure than a 3 door car?

My father got a quote for a 5 door 1995 ford fiesta yesterday for 240. The previous car was also a fiesta of the same year and same engine but was a 3 door which cost 340 per year. We have had a 5 door ford fiesta before but that cost 340 per year as well, but the engine was the same and it was the same year. Why the difference in insurance cost between 3 and 5 doors?""

Can a financial advisor from AXA sell you New York life insurance?

I'd like to know if a financial advisor that works for AXA Advisors offer clients New York Life insurance products. Thanks in advance! I'm in CA by the way.

Insurance for honda civic?

Does anyone no how much insurance is for a Honda civic, I am 17. Do i have any hope of getting any?""

Car or 125cc motorcycle for 17 year old?

So I turn 17 soon and I was wondering whether to get a car or a 125. The main downside to getting a car is the driving lessons, it will probably end up costing 1000+ in just driving lessons/tests and is likely to take ages to past where as it takes a day to do the CBT to ride a bike. I am not interested in people saying Don't get a motorbike they're deathtraps! . So what should I do?""

Speeding ticket...how much will my insurance go up?

I received a speeding ticket. If found guilty of it, how much can I expect of an increase in my insurance premium? It is my first ticket. I have USAA insurance. It is a minor infraction. (1 point in here in Cali.) Thanks for the help!""

I am thinking of getting renters insurance. What is the cost of most average cost of most polices?

Live in a 2 story, downstairs apartment ground floor, one level., I have a doxie (weiner dog), my son who is an adult and my husband.""

Why is car insurance so expensive in the UK!?

So i'm not driving yet, only applied for a provisional, i'm age 17. But I thought why not try and figure out how much my insurance will be once i've passed and buy a car at roughly 1000, so I filled in all the details as accurate as possible on the compare websites and the cheapest yearly insurance price was 5600! How the hell am I suppose to afford this, am I doing something wrong haha :L""

How much does motorcyles insurance run??

I want to be an inexpensive bike to save gas money (like a ninja 250) and I'm curious how much laibility insurance is... my car insurance is only $30 a month and I have a perfect driving record, no accidents. thank you""

Will Hillary Clinton universal health care program force all Americans to pay for health insurance?

How will those who are unemployed pay for health insurance under her plan?

Help! Accident on motorcycle with no insurance.?

I was recently involved in an accident on my motorcycle with a Hertz rental car. I purchased the bike 9 days before the accident and was planning on adding the motorcycle to my car insurance policy. No one was hurt in the accident but a police report was filled out at the request of the rental company. I was wondering if insurance companies possibly have some kind of grace period for accidents a certain number of days before the policy is added, or if need be, transferred to the motorcycle. The rear bumper of the rental car was dented and the right rear lights were damaged. My motorcycle is fine. I live in California.""

Can my brother put me on his health insurance?

I have a illness. I started a new job and insurance won't kick in untill another three months. Can I be put on my brothers insurance? He has no children and he is not married. Plus he never uses it.

Jeep Wrangler Sahara insurance?

I am a 16 year old female... I want a 2004 Jeep Wrangler 4x4 Sahara as my first car. My mom seems to think the insurance is too high. Can anyone tell me whether the insurance on it would be super high or give me an average number for insurance? Would it be cheaper on a smaller car? thanks .xx

Tip cheap car insurance for one month only

Tip cheap car insurance for one month only

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/harleigh-pennsylvania-cheap-car-insurance-quotes-zip-18225-church/"

[brendlesachiel]

Stand up shit

I like the word “egotistical.” It sounds like a Kiwi saying “ego testicle.” “I’m very egotistical.”

Education language: diversity equity inclusion pedagogy learners with additional learning needs, developing programs, initiatives and strategies to implement educational policies in appropriate educational settings; individualised differentiated instruction diversity equity inclusive learning environment engage learners in the process educational outcomes cultural competence social justice, embrace diversity 

**

The annoying thing about life is that it ends before you have any time to come even close to understanding it.

**

**

“Snowy Mountains” and “Rocky Mountains” are really uncreative names. “It;s mountain and it’s kinda rocky. Rocky Mountains? It’s a mountain and it’s kind of snowy. Snowy Mountains? Imagine if every name was as uncreative as that. The Amazon’s just called “The Leafy Forest.” It’s like calling the Amazon “Leafy Forest.”

**

**

“I hope it goes well!” Hope is worthless. You know how I know it’s worthless? It’s because no one would be able to sell hope as a product and make money off it. Like, in a store. Like, a sales person can’t be like, “Hey, you want some hope? “ “Sure.” “That’ll be 20 dollars.” “Oh fuck that shit. I’m not spending money on feeling hopeful.”

**

Imagine if Yoda made An Inconvenient Truth instead of Al Gore? “The use of cars leads to greenhouse gas emissions. Greenhouse gas emissions lead to the accumulation of greenhouse gases in the atmosphere. The accumulation of greenhouse gases in the atmosphere leads to the reflection and absorption of incoming solar radiation. The reflection and absorption of incoming solar radiation leads to the planet radiating some of that energy back out into the atmosphere in the form of infrared radiation. The planet radiating some of that energy back out into the atmosphere in the form of infrared radiation leads to the trapping of some of that radiation in the atmosphere by those same gases. And the trapping of some of that infrared radiation in the atmosphere by those same gases leads to global warming. Disastrous, that could be. Fix it, we must.”

**

How awesome is the feeling when you successfully change the subject away from an embarrassing topic? In your head you’re like “Fucking yes, I changed the direction of the conversation and he didn’t notice, I got away with it.”

**

Imagine if there was a girl called Marie Marie Marie Marie Marie Marie Marie Marie Marie Marie Marie Marie…and it just goes on for like 500 Marie’s. Her teacher marks the role like, “John Smith.” “Here.” “Elizabeth Knight.” “Here.” “Marie Marie Marie Marie Marie Marie Marie Marie Marie Marie…fuck it, Marie to the power of 500. Are you here?” “Here.”

**

**

fear leads to anger. anger leads to hate. hate leads to suffering.

you could’ve just said fear leads to suffering. Just go from A to B, mate. You went through two more doors than you needed to go through. Only take a longer route if it’s a better journey, and that wasn’t.

**

Reincarnation. They believe that EVERYONE is going to come back as an animal when they die. EVERYONE. Including people who killed themselves. “Fuck, I justvoluntarily  left that place and now I gotta fucking go back as a dog? Are you fucking kidding me?” He goes. His owner gives him a shitty like Rover. “Russel!” “Yeah, fuck off.” “Oh Russel’s a bit down today!” “I’m down everyday, bitch, cuz I have the soul of a sad clinically depressed guy in a call center who worked in a call center. But you don’t know that cuz you don’t fuckin’ understand me, so whatever. Woof, yeah, yeah, whatever. Fuck, I gotta be loyal to this ugly lady until she puts me down. Can you throw a stick on a main road so I have a fucking excuse.”

“Rover! Why are you on the main road? Bad boy!” Cuz I’m trying to not be owned by you, you old ugly fuckin’ cow! You do realize I’m a depressed guy in a dog’s body? 

DOes that mean that every dog who looks sad used to be a fat single dude who worked in a call centre? i bet they try to kill themselves again as dogs.

**

I saw an episode of Dragon Ball Z once, and the whole episode was just Goku powering up while Frieza watched him. He was going “Arghghghghghhgghgh.” I was like, “This is not a TV show. This is two dudes sounding really constipated for twenty minutes with a few ad breaks in between.” Five episodes of powering up. I guess that’s just a law of nature in the Dragon Ball Z universe, that in order to be able to cause harm to your enemies, you have to sound like you’re shitting a brick out of your asshole. Imagine if someone in the Dragon Ball Z universe was born with a genetic defect where he was in powering up mode all the time, like even when ordering a coffee. “Arhghghhghg can I please have a cappacino?”

**

Every nerdy teenage boy in Australia was watching Dragon Ball Z on Cheese TV. Back when Goku was fighting Frieza and they were both doing nothing but powering up for 10 episodes. So for 10 straight weeks in Australia, every nerdy teenage boy was watching two dudes sound constipated for half an hour each week.

**

They believe that EVERYONE is going to come back as an animal when they die. EVERYONE. Including people who killed themselves. Does that mean that all the dogs that look sad used to be depressed people? Dogs are like “yeah hi. Yeah, woof, whatever. Yeah, I used to be a virgin who worked in a call center and now I’m a fuckin’ low-energy dog.”

**

In order to make an order at the McDonald’s drive thru, Yoda from Star Wars would probably need a translator.

Intercom: HI, how can i help you today?

Yoda: Three things, I would like to buy.

Translator: I would like to buy three things.

Yoda: .Coke, first I would like.

Translator: First I would like coke.

Yoda: Nuggets, then I want.

Translator: Then I want nuggets. He just reverses it.

Yoda: And French fries, I guess I’ll get it.

Translator: I would like to purchase nuggets, fries and coke, he just reverses it, same thing each time

Intercom: Okay, Master Yoda. Any sauce with that?

Yoda: Please, sweet and sour. Yoda: Pot, I like to smoke. Translator: Again, I like to smoke pot, he just reverses it. Does the same thing each time.

**

I like my humor off the wall and on the nose.

**

Isaac, it’s great that you’re daydreaming mate, you’re using your imagination which is fantastic, I love it, but I also love getting through the curriculum, mate, so let’s, come on.

**

I’m apologetic to people I like, but I’m really unapologetic to people I don’t like. To people I like, I’m like, “Sorry, man.” To people I don’t like, I’m like, “Fuck you, I’m not apologizing for shit, motherfucker. Even if I did something wrong, I’m not apologizing, that would be humiliating.”

**

2 + 3 is 5 and 3 + 9 is 12. But here’s the thing: 32 + 34 is 66. So, by that token, 25 + 4 is 29. But, on the other hand, 38 + 45 is 83. The argument comes full circle when you realize that 37 + 12 is 49 and perhaps the most frightening and profound truth of all time: 1 + 1 is 2. I just had to get that off my chest. Been bottling it up for so long.

**

have you ever heard someone use a really cool phrase and been like, “yep i’m gonna steal that one, thank you. I’ll pretend i’ve been saying that one for years, cheers.

**

Life is full of people telling you what you have to do.

Your boss is like “you have to get five sales today” the government’s like, “you have to pay that fine by October 31 and your tax by October 31,” your parents are like, “Mate, you’re 28, you have to move out,” you know, life is full of people telling you what you have to do, and it can be a bit of a downer sometim

So I’m gonna tell you all the things that you don’t have to do, for a change.

**

This one time my friend was reading a Wikipedia article, and he turned to me and said, “You know, Wikipedia gets a lot of shit but it’s actually quite a reliable source.” So I opened the article he was reading on my phone, changed the heading to, “No it’s not, fuckhead,” and told him to refresh.

**

I think doing stand up comedy at an open mic night is like making a meal at a restaurant when you’ve had no experience as a chef and your customers have no idea what they’re gonna eat. You could end up being the next Gordon Ramsay, but chances are you’re gonna make a really shit meal that the customers have to eat.”

**

I once heard someone refer to a murderer as a “homicidal practitioner.” I thought, “That’s a pretty funny euphemism.” So Ted Bundy was a homicidal practitioner. Kurt Cobain was a suicidal practitioner. Hitler was both. He was a fully qualified and licensed practitioner of homicide, suicide and genocide. He did all three of those things in six years.

**

I hate when people are having a debate, and they state the year that it is as. “Come on, it’s 2018.” People have been saying this every year. “Come on, it’s 1993.” “It’s 1998, I thought we were past this archaic nonsense.” They’ve been saying it every year. Even the people in the year 43, 512 AD will be stating the year as a form of argument. “It’s 43, 512 AD, I thought we were past this archaic nonsense.”

**

the bible is so TL;DR. 30, 000 verses and 1,000 chapters? Who can be bothered R-ing such an L-ass book that’s the TL;DR-iest book length. the lord of the rings is so TL;DW.. To those of you who don’t know, “TL;DR” is an abbreviation online and it stands for “too long; didn’t read.” The brilliance of that phrase is that it’s a really short response to something really long, so it hurts their feelings. We should come up with a nicer abbreviation. Like NL;DR….WR…“not long; did read.” Or a more indecisive version. “KL;MR.” “Kinda long; might read.”

**

**

I once said to my friend Marcus, right, “Hey Marcus, did you know that the planet Jupiter can think?” And Marcus is like , “Oh, really?” And I’m like, “Yep. And right now it’s thinking “Holy shit, Marcus is gullible and dumb as shit.”

**

have you ever been online and you type a search query into the browser and the results pop up and it’s fucking Bing? I don’t know who runs Bing but dude, no one likes your search engine. Give up. You thought it was Google, you were waiting for the red, yellow, green and blue logo, and you get a shit grey one. Bing is so annoying. What if search engines dissed each other? Like, you enter “Bing” into Google and a webpage pops up, “Bing is a shit search engine.”

**

this one time I farted in front of a girl i Iiked who barely knew me. If I had to sum up her facial expression, it would be, “intensely offended.” Her facial expression was saying, “I don’t know anything about you but that stinks like shit and i’m pissed off i have to smell it.” but my facial expression was matching her intensity. My face was saying, “What, you saying you don’t fart, motherfucker? Fuck outta here with that disapproving gaze, I did what every human does and I’m supposed to be ashamed?”

**

some people wanna get rid of nukes. and that makes me think, “well, if you wanna get rid of nukes so that they never appear on earth again, then you’d have to stop anyone capable of making a nuclear weapon from 

 get rid of people that know how to make nukes. which means you have to destroy knowledge. so fu

**

have you ever said a word that you didn’t want to say? you’re like, “fuck, why did i say that word? that was the wrong word to fucking use. Fuck.” This one time someone said “seeya later” and i said “thanks”

**

How annoying are bosses? You’re sitting there, having fun, and then he comes up to you like, “Hey, you better do that thing!” and you’re like, “I don’t want to but you’re paying me, so fine.” And then your boss’s boss comes up to your boss like, “Hey, you better do that thing!” and he’s like, “I don’t want to but you’re paying me, so fine.” And then your boss’s boss’s boss comes up to your boss’s boss like, “Hey, you better do that thing!” and he’s like, “Sure, I’d love to! Thanks for paying me, by the way.” Your boss’s boss is just a really positive dude. Everyone has a boss. Even if you don’t have a job, your boss is the people who run the country. And even if you run the country, your boss is the people who don’t. Ain’t that weird? The people who don’t run the country come up to the people who do like, “Hey, you better run the country well,” and Turnbull’s like, “I don’t want to but you’re paying me, so fine.” Even people who try really hard to not have a boss have a boss. Like the guy that runs North Korea. China comes up to him like, “Hey, you better do that thing,” and he’s like, “I don’t want to but you give me food and energy, so fine. So annoying.” 

**

have u ever seen an asian person who looks 18 and then they’re like “hi i’m 65.”

**

hi i’m james. i hope you all die. not now or any time soon, just when you’re really old and asleep. i hope you die then. you all thought i was being mean but i was actually being nice. i hope i die now though.

**

Fuck, I’m retarded. I’m probably the most retarded person on the planet. My whole life is just me trying to resist my own natural gravitation towards antisocial, dysfunctional behavior. Stephen Hawking has nothing on me. I’m retarded socially, since I don’t know how to talk to people. Retarded intellectually, since I smoke a lot of pot. Financially, since I spend money on stupid bullshit. Physiologically, since I sweat too much and blush all the time. And sexually, since I cum early and sometimes struggle getting it up. My use of the word “retarded” itself is further evidence that I’m retarded since I’m willingly using a word that many people find offensive, possibly because they’re retarded as well. I’m not saying they’re stupid for being offended by it, I’m saying they may actually be mentally slow people that are hurt by that word going into their slow brain. I have no problem with retarded people. The only difference between me and them is I have a faster brain. I go, “2 + 2 is equal to 4,” they go, “2 + 2 is equal to…hang on a sec…let’s see if I can break this down…you got 2, which is a number, and what’s a number? A number is a symbol that represents an abstract quantity, so you’re adding two of the same quantity, so you get 4.” The retarded person is still logical, but by the time they execute their logic the topic of conversation has already changed from maths to North Korea and we’re going, “What are you you doing, Bobby? We’re talking about Kim Jung Un now.”

**

I went to uni, where I did a Bachelor of Science. And the whole time I was there I was high. For four years I was just engulfed in a haze of marijuana and I came out four years later like, “Fuck, I guess I’m a scientist.”

**

I love love. The best way to know how in love I am with someone is by how much I’m ignoring everything and everyone that isn’t them.

**

I can relate to Voldemort because he’s pale, egotistical, terrified of death and he spends a lot of time alone with his snake. I’ve always found it weird that Voldemort doesn’t like people using his name. That’s like someone at a party going, “Hi, I’m John, but please don’t call me that, thank you. If you don’t know what to call me, that’s your problem, cunt. How ‘bout you fuckin’ improvise?” Imagine if Voldemort was so constipated one day that it made Harry’s scar hurt? Harry would be like, “Fuck, this is so annoying! I hate hearing the thoughts of a psychopath squeezing shit out of his asshole!” What if Voldemort’s asshole was a slit like his nostrils? What if he made Death Eaters wipe his ass for him? “My lord, it is an honour to wipe the shit off your powerful, majestic asshole.“p>

**

Teaching: Marking / Teachers have to do more homework / I don’t wanna be here either, I just need money to survive.

**

This is the evolution of humanity from start to finish: *grunts* *throws a spear* *fucks* *writes with a pen* *picks telephone up* Tell you what, that Alexander Bell bloke’s pretty smart, isn’t he? *types on a typewriter* *shoots a military gun* *twiddles thumbs on phone, does it for ages* *looks up* that cloud looks like a mushroom, I might tweet about it *twiddles thumbs* “I am about to die, hashtag #goodwhileitlasted”

I’m a teacher. And there are things that I really wanna say to my students that I’m not allowed to say. For example, I really wanna say to them, “Hey kids, I’m not gonna teach you anything on the curriculum today because I think it’s all worthless and I think you should teach yourself stuff in your own time. There’s no point in me cramming knowledge into your head that you don’t care about. There’s no point in me uploading thousands of gigs onto your computer if it’s jut gonna sit there in your hard drive, doing nothing. If you don’t want to learn, don’t do it. Just do the things you wanna do instead. But if you have a smart brain in your head, then I predict that you’re gonna eventually get bored of existing and functioning in a world that you know nothing about. You’re gonna get bored of not knowing the rules of the game you’ve been playing your entire life. You’re gonna get bored of going for runs around the oval and not knowing why the grass you’re running on is green, or why there’s wind in your face. You’ll get bored of not knowing what the chair that you’re sitting on right now is made of. You’re gonna get bored of not knowing what you’re made of. You’re gonna get bored of not knowing why your pee is yellow and why your farts smell really bad. You’ll get bored of masturbating and not knowing why the hand around your penis has five fingers instead of six. Or why you have two eyes but only one nose. Suddenly, you’re gonna want to know these things and you’ll start Googling shit. And I swear to god that when you read all this shit on Wikipedia, you’re gonna absorb it and remember it until you die because it’s information that you actually give a shit about. You know why you couldn’t remember that maths formula in your exam the other day, even after I showed it to you forty fucking times? It’s because you don’t care about it. But maybe you might care what the area of a circle is one day. Anyway, class dismissed. You have no homework for the rest of your life.” I really wanna say all that shit. But you know what I say instead? “Hi kids, today we’re gonna do Questions 4a, 5b and 6c from Chapter 3E of the textbook. We’re gonna be finishing algebra today and starting probability tomorrow because we live under capitalism and learning has a time limit. I’d explain what capitalism is but we covered that last week.”

**

I once took my sister to the hospital for an emergency and she was lying in the trolley with all the other patients and the nurses were cracking jokes with each other and I remember looking at the nurse thinking, “I don’t think the ice addict overdosing under your nose right now appreciates the playful banter you’re having.” **

Can I have a skinny capaccino and some scrambled eggs on toast? This one isn’t on the menu but can I have some money and affection as well? Life is hard.”

**

You know when someone gives you something for free and there’s about five seconds where you have to pretend like you object to their decision? “I can’t accept this! I fucking so want it, but for some bullshit reason I gotta pretend I don’t until you give me the social green light, and then I can shrug and sheepishly pocket it while thinking ‘Fucking yes, cheers you dumb bitch!’”

**

I believe that none of us have any idea what we’re doing and we’re all winging this shit. My whole life is just me trying to resist my own natural tendency towards antisocial, dysfunctional behavior. The whole time I’m in public, I’m trying to avoid doing two things: jacking off and dying.

**

I’m 27 and I still live with my parents. And you can tell my dad is starting to get sick of me. Yeah, he loves me, but it’s a love that decreases exponentially.  It’s like I’m a dinner that he heated in the oven and after 18 years he’d finally finished cooking me and he was getting ready to take me out, feed me to people, put me in the dishwasher and skip out of the kitchen back to his bedroom so he could fuck his wife for the rest of his life, only to find out that the dinner had other plans. It wanted to stay in the oven for nine more years. So my dad’s been stuck in the kitchen for a quarter of his adult life, trying to convince his own spoiled, entitled roast dinner to get the fuck out of the oven. “Get out, bitch! You’ve been ready for consumption for an entire decade!” “But I don’t wanna leave! It’s too scary! I’m gonna be eaten alive!” “Of course you will, you’re a fucking meal, now get out!” “But I’m special! I’ve got like, really interesting potatoes and stuff! My chicken wings are important!”

**

I hate when people describe other people as “complex.” "Dude, have you met Brandon? He is so complex! He’s like, a puzzle, wrapped up in a paradox, cloaked in an enigma, draped in a conundrum, and shrouded in a mist of incomprehensible, inexplicable mystique!” No, he’s not. Brandon goes to work and comes home. That’s it. And if he doesn’t, he probably should. Instead of sitting around on his unemployed ass all day, thinking of all the different contradictions that his spooky personality can embody all at once to impress his credulous, idiotic friends, he should, I don’t know, write a fucking resume. And under “Skills,” he should put something other than “being complicated” because no one gives a shit. Bosses aren’t gonna go, “Wait a second, Brandon, you’re saying you’ve spent the majority of your life building yourself up into a pointlessly elaborate riddle that no one gains anything by solving? Why, I’d like to make you an engineer! Construction on the bridge starts Monday!”

**

I like reading mistakes in books because that means the editor either didn’t do a good job or didn’t have enough time to do a good job. So they either suck at their job (which means their boss sucks at hiring people)  or managing their time; either way, they suck, and that’s funny. I like when people suck at things. I like watching people trip over. “Haha. He sucks at balancing himself. Fuckwit.”

**

“How’d u find the meal?” “This is the worst most fucking garbage meal I’ve ever had”

**

Turning right at an intersection. It’s not my fault that the world is overpopulated.

**

Theoretically I can ruin any friendship or relationship I have by grabbing someone’s balls. If I do that enough times, eventually they’re gonna go “this is over” **

Remember Caitlyn Jenner? She’s really fucking ugly.

**

**

Had to have dinner with my grandpa the other day. He’s 93 and on the brink of death and it was probably the fifth last time I’ll see him. I reckon I have eight hours left of looking at his decrepit, wrinkly face and his pretzel-shaped spine before he dies a shitty, ignominious death. I won’t care much when he dies and that makes me sad. I love him because he was a nice man and will always remember him, but I won’t care that much when he dies, which probably means our relationship never really got off the ground.

**

Imagine sounding really nice when you’re saying really mean things. Imagine sounding really mean when you’re saying really nice things.

**

I have no creativity. Isaac Newton apple story.

**

The United States constitution is like the rulebook to a board game that was written carefully by very smart people to ensure that the game can be played for as long as possible without any hiccups, right up until that inevitable moment where the players throw a tantrum, burn the rulebook and knock over all the pieces. So far the game’s lasted 230 years but I think that tantrum might be coming.

**

Have you ever noticed how all decency and compassion goes out the window when someone disagrees with someone else, politically? Even if Donald Trump tweeted, “My son Barron just got leukemia, I am devastated,” I can guarantee his Twitter feed will be flooded with thousands of angry, vicious replies, just like it is with every other Tweet he makes. “Good, fuck him…you ruined our country, so he deserves it.” None of us have the answers to any of the questions raised by politics and morality since they’re too complex for our limited monkeys brains to understand, yet these are the two things, more than anything in the world, that inspire deep hatred for one another.

**

I hate jokes and banter. “You should mark my reports.”

**

ISIS is always responsible for each attack.

**

- Take out the trash on Tuesday

- Write up a CV before Friday

- Stop writing “to do” lists down and trust your memory more, idiot.

**

“Great minds think alike.” So do shit ones. How do you know you’re not just two idiots reaching the same wrong conclusion?

**

My whole life is just me trying to resist my own natural gravitation towards antisocial, dysfunctional behavior. 

**

I wish I had more than two hands. It would be very handy. You know how many more things I could do with five hands? I could write an email, turn the TV on, pat my dog, brush my teeth and jack myself off at the same time. I’m so jealous of octopuses. You can do so many things with hands you can slap me for this routine.

**

You know when you use an App and the App asks if they can access your photos? I have an internal dialogue between myself and the App that plays out every time I do that.

App: Hey dude. Thanks for getting the app, appreciate it, man. So as part of the app you can send photos and shit but before you do that, we just need to be granted access to look at your photos and your Facebook and stuff.”

Me: What?

App: Just need access so we can do the photo stuff.

Me: OK. Fine. You’re not gonna do any nasty shit though, are you?

App: Like what?

Me: Like find out who I am and expose me to advertisements that are really specific to my needs and wants to further capitalize off me?

App: No, no fuckin’ - no, no way we’re gonna do that. It’s for - when you use photos for the app, we have to see your photos for that to happen.

Me: Why do you need to be granted access to all my photos? Why can’t you just be granted access to the photos that I use on the app?

App: No, no, no. Dude, we need to see all of them for some reason. Dude, it’s not - and also, maybe  -  maybe we’re just interested to see you because you could be a cool guy. Who fucking - ?”

Me: Okay. Fine. But you’re not gonna sell my information to other companies so they can fuck me as well?

App: Dude, why the fuck - no, we’re totally - no, we’re not gonna do that.

Me: OK. Fine. Allow.

App: Yeah cheers you fuckin’ moron, we know who you are, we know your hopes and dreams, your taste in fashion and music and we’re gonna cook up 50 ads in a row to fuck you in the arse one by one and you willingly handed us the lubrication to do so.

**

Imagine if our penises swapped places with our noses? We’d look like elephants. We’d have to put cocaine down our pants. An aroused man would look like a lying Pinocchio and a lying Pinocchio would look like an aroused man. Rudolph would be the Red Knob Reindeer. Voldemort would have two ugly slits above his balls. We’d have to drill glory holes at head height and midgets could use the original holes! The Seven Dwarves could fuck Snow White standing! Sneezy would have to change his underwear all the time. Girls would have to stand on boxes or tippy toes to blow tall guys. Lorena Bobbit’s husband would have nothing between his eyes and mouth except for a bit of scar tissue, maybe. Goldmember’s face would look like the inside of the briefcase in Pulp Fiction. If a little boy farted in the Neverland ranch, Michael Jackson would have to reach downstairs to pinch his fake nose and reach upstairs to beat it. (Wanking off nose) We’d have to do this every time we want to imply that someone’s a wanker (/Wanking off nose) Black guys would smack people in the face whenever they turn around. We’d have to hump flowers to smell them, Mr Squiggle would have to hump paper to draw, swordfish would fuck their prey to death and woodpeckers would become woodfuckers.

**

Imagine if someone went through a metal detector and it beeped, so they turned to the security guard and said, “Oh, it must be beeping because i have a fully loaded pistol in my pocket that I was gonna shoot everyone with, but I’ve been foiled by technology and I’ll probably go to jail for this, which is rather unfortunate.”

**

Imagine if I went to McDonald’s and the woman behind the counter said, “How can I help you?” and I said, “Do you know how I can get a lot of money and a wife?” and she replied, “Dude, I work at McDonald’s, so I can’t help you with the money shit, but I can be your wife, sure. I’ve got a shit job and nothing going for me so why not? Look, we’ll discuss the wedding when my shift is over but until then, shut the fuck up and leave because both my boss and the fat cunt waiting in line behind you look really pissed off right now.”

**

Imagine if I went to a coffee shop, ordered a cappuccino, and the barista’s like, “Too easy,” and I said, “Do you want me to make it harder for you then, moron? Fine, give me 35 cappuccinos, each in a different type of mug, each made with different types of coffee beans from at least six different countries, each containing a different type of milk that was collected from at least six different types of cows from at least four different continents, and as you move from Cappuccino 1 to Cappuccino 35, I want the amount of chocolate on the top to exponentially increase with a growth rate of 3. Does that sound sufficiently difficult for you, you fucking idiot? I don’t give a shit how difficult you think your task is. You’ve received training, you fucking twit, of course it’s easy. I’m being extremely difficult and needlessly aggressive to you right now, and it’s starting to dawn on you that I might be mentally ill. I can see it in your eyes. Everything about your body language suggests that you want this shift to be over with as soon as possible. You want to fucking disappear right now.”

**

Imagine if Borat had depression? “I do not … I do not feel nice … when I see my brother Bilo in his cage … I no laugh. Nature make a toilet in my head.” Imagine if Frank Walker had depression? He just got so sick of doing the same ad every day that he blew his brains out all over his national tiles. “Goodbyeeeee!” Imagine if he talked like that all the time? He orders a coffee like, “Helloooooo, can I have a cappacinnooooooo?” Imagine if he talked normally? “Hello, it’s Frank Walker from National Tiles and thanks to my speech therapist, I no longer talk like an absolute fuckwit.”

**

Imagine if you rocked up to work and your boss was like, “Hey, everyone, you’re all free to go because who gives a fuck about any of this shit, really? No, I’m not high; I just need a day clear in my schedule to sit and think about how uninspired I am by this very boring, repetitive job, and how I’m going to escape. I need to figure out how to start my own business so I don’t have bosses breathing down my neck all day, applying lots of pressure - which some of you relieve, and I’m very grateful for that, thank you - but on the other hand, we do have a lot of dead weight here, let’s be honest. There is no shortage of completely useless, incompetent staff - some of whom are sitting in this room - who add all the pressure back on. I will probably have to fire at le ast two of you by next week - not probably, definitely - I will definitely be making life very difficult for at least two of you in less than seven days. Alright, goodbye.“

**

Imagine if the dictionary was written by a stoned philosophy major? “The definition of tree is whatever you want it to be, bro. It’s all a matter of perception, man.”

**

Imagine if someone got really offended by a compliment? “How dare you say that? How DARE you tell me I have a nice shirt? Who do you think you are? The fucking nerve!”

**

Imagine if you were watching the scene in Toy Story where Sid’s burning Woody and Woody suddenly yelled out, “Stop fucking burning me! I’m in a lot of pain! No, you’re not hallucinating, this is real; I’m a sentient toy that can move and talk but more importantly, I can feel pain, motherfucker. Toy biology is very complicated stuff and I don’t want to bore you with the details but that flame that you were holding up to my face like a fucking nutjob was stimulating certain pain receptors in my plastic skin, which sends a signal to the brain in my fucking cowboy head and it hurts, dumbass. I know this is hard to believe and it’s all very overwhelming - you’re a teenager going through puberty, for Christ’s sake, the world’s confusing enough as it is without your toy talking to you in Tom Hanks’s voice. But seriously, Sid, I think you should see a psychiatrist because you’re obviously quite mentally disturbed and your behaviour is typical of most serial killers.”

**

Imagine an episode of Bananas in Pajamas where B1 said to B2, “I’ve gotta be honest, I don’t know what you’re fucking thinking. I’ve been pretending to know this whole time because despite being a banana that can talk, I’m not fucking psychic, okay? And can we stop wearing these fucking pajamas? Yeah, I get it, it rhymes, but I wanna wear other shit for once! I’m sick of dressing like a Jew in Auschwitz cuz it’s a fucking bummer, to be honest. I hate being a mindless letter and number that agrees with you all the time; I wanna think independently and have my own identity! I’m sick of running downstairs and chasing bears just cuz it fucking rhymes! And so are the bears, to be honest. There’s a very fine line between ‘catching them unawares’ and harassment. And just because different activities sound similar, doesn’t mean we have to do all of them. If I wanna go to the beach, I shouldn’t also have to reach for a peach and leech and make a fucking speech. Look, B2, you’re my best mate, we’ve been through a lot and we’re fruits that walk around and say shit, but I think I’m clinically depressed. I’m gonna make like me and split. It’s killing myself time.”

**

Imagine if birds were deliberately shitting on us? They just look down at us from above like, “Hm, who can I shit on today? I think I’ll get that bald fucker over there. I’m gonna squirt my jizzy shit all over his face.”

**

I don’t know how to talk to people. The only things that I know how to do are the three things that I love doing: writing, eating and drinking water. My life is just me trying to do those three things as much as possible. When I’m not doing those three things, I’m trying to navigate my way around whatever obstacle is blocking my access to those three things whether it be work, a conversation, or even an entire friendship or relationship that I stumbled into but never intended on committing to.

**

Sometimes I do music and this one time I was sitting at a gig and this guy came up to me, said his name was Greg, said he liked our music and then he invited us to sleep over at his house and write a song together. I didn’t want to do that. I wanted to go home instead because my house doesn’t contain strangers called Greg telling me shit I don’t care about. Greg did nothing wrong. In fact, he was very nice - he let me smoke his weed which felt good to totally exploit. I just didn’t give a shit about Greg’s existence and I never will because Greg is 55 and male, which is the one demographic of people on Earth that I want to talk to the least. Because 55 year old men - bless them, I’ll be one soon - but unless they’re my dad or uncle, they have nothing to offer me except for knowledge which doesn’t count for much today because I have Google. Anyway, Greg was telling me his life story at the gig and I remember thinking, “Great. Now I have to have a ‘Greg’ folder in my memory that takes up kilobytes of useless information about some random nothing of a person that I will never see again and when this conversation is over (which is hopefully soon), I will send the ‘Greg’ folder straight to my brain’s recycle bin and empty it immediately.” His name is Greg Love, by the way. And his name makes sense because his behaviour strongly suggests that he just wants to be loved and I gave him nothing.

**

Time for a bit of observational comedy. Have you ever been such a stoner that you smoke the ashes of the weed that you’ve already smoked because you know it contains just a little bit of THC and you’ll do anything to get high because you’re a worthless, unemployed pile of dog shit that should have been aborted and chucked in the garbage with all the other dead fetuses?

**

have you ever said a word that you didn’t want to say? you’re like, “fuck, why did i say that word? that was the wrong word to fucking use. Fuck.”

**

Do you ever wake up at 8:30AM and feel really proud of yourself for waking up at the same time that normal, productive, functioning adults with jobs do and then you think, “Well, it couldn’t hurt to lie in bed for a little bit longer?” and then you wake up again and it’s 1:00PM and you want to kill yourself?

**

You know when someone gives you something for free and there’s about five seconds where you have to pretend like you object to their decision? “I can’t accept this! I fucking so want it, but for some bullshit reason I gotta pretend I don’t until you give me the social green light, and then I can shrug and sheepishly pocket it while thinking ‘Fucking yes, cheers you dumb bitch!’

**

Have you ever noticed that there’s always a mosquito nearby trying to suck some of your blood to survive, whether it’s real or metaphorical? Real in the summertime, metaphorical always.

**

Have you ever noticed that Barack Obama completely stole his campaign slogan from Bob the Builder? I wanna know what Bob’s secret is because none of my friends have “so much fun” at work, and get the job done. It’s either one or the other but never both. Maybe Bob’s secret is that he’s not fucking real. Maybe that explains it.

**

Have you ever noticed how all decency and compassion goes out the window when someone disagrees with someone else, politically? Even if Donald Trump tweeted, “My son Barron just got leukemia, I am devastated,” I can guarantee his Twitter feed will be flooded with thousands of angry, vicious replies, just like it is with every other Tweet he makes. “Good, fuck him…you ruined our country, so he deserves it.” None of us have the answers to any of the questions raised by politics and morality since they’re too complex for our limited monkeys brains to understand, yet these are the two things, more than anything in the world, that inspire deep hatred for one another.

**

Have you ever noticed that dogs kind of look like they’re laughing when they’re panting?

Have you ever wondered if animals think cars are other animals? ** Have you ever been walking down the street, doing your thing, and then you hear a police siren and you pretend you’re a criminal mastermind on the run? Have you ever been such a paranoid fuck that every time you hear a police siren, you immediately think they’re coming to arrest you? But then after two seconds the car passes and you remember that while the porn you look at is very weird, it’s not illegal and law enforcement doesn’t give a single shit about your existence.

**

I feel sorry for The Gingerbread Man. Put yourself in his doughy, frosted shoes for a second. First of all, you were born in an oven. How fucking terrifying is that? You started your life in the same place that many Jews ended theirs. And then, barely seconds into your existence, before you’ve even had time to figure out why you’re in a fucking furnace, the woman who created you is trying to eat you! If I was a biscuit that was miraculously born with fully formed muscles capable of locomotion, and some old bitch was trying to shove me in her face, I’d be running away too! He had two choices: get the fuck out of there, or get eaten alive and become an old lady’s diarrhea. My sympathy for him vanished as soon as he became a smartass, though. “Run, run, as fast as you can, you can’t catch me, I’m the Gingerbread Man!” Do you say the same thing to cripples, bitch?

**

I think it’s funny that Hindus love cows because it’s definitely not mutual. If a cow saw a dead Hindu on the ground, it would happily shit on his dead face. It would have no compunction in emptying the contents of its four stomachs all over his fucking worthless, formerly religious head.

**

I think it’s funny that Caitlyn Jenner is really ugly. I think it’s funny that she got away with killing someone because she cut her dick off. I think it’s funny that I’m calling her “she.”

**

I think it’s funny that thesaurus.com lists 50 synonyms for the word “redundant.”

**

I think it’s funny that there’s a small part of me that hates myself for going on stage and trying to gain the approval and respect of a room full of strangers. If I was in the crowd right now watching myself, I’d be disgusted by my own ego. I think it’s funny that entertainers get paid. We don’t build your houses, feed you, protect you from harm, drive you anywhere, save your life or add anything to human knowledge. That’s your job. And you get money from it and give it to us. Suckers.

**

I think it’s funny that there are people out there who are too stupid to know they’re stupid, too mental to know they’re mental or completely unaware that they’re both.

**

I think it’s funny that there are white worms that have no idea that 1) they’re in my ass right now and 2) they’re very enthusiastically eating my shit.  I think it’s funny that I murder the population of Japan every time I jack off.

**

I think it’s funny that I have the longest dick that’s ever existed, on the spectrum between “pitifully small” and “slightly below average.” So I’m saying it’s slightly below average. “What’s the point of me existing if you never use me?” said my dick and Facebook account.

**

I think it’s funny that all you need to do to sound really condescending is place the word “little” in front of every noun that you say. “So how’s your little marriage going with your little wife?” Adorable works too. “You still got that adorable job of yours?” Or you can use both. “Wow, you’ve carved out an adorable little career for yourself, haven’t you?”

**

Here’s how you can immediately convert a religious person to atheism: tell them there’s no proof that God exists. If they still believe in God after that, shoot them and they won’t do it anymore.

**

I love water. Why the fuck do we drink things that aren’t water? Why isn’t it good enough? How is everyone not standing around a public water tap all day? It’s a piece of metal sticking out of the ground that you can drink amazing shit from for hours! I’ve never met a single person who hates water. “Water? Fucking gross. No thanks.”

**

I love coffee and Indian food but my asshole doesn’t because when I go to the bathroom an hour later, a waterfall of highly pressurized, turbulent diarrhea explodes out of my asshole like the Hoover Dam bursting at the seams. It’s like that scene at the end of The Two Towers when the talking trees release the river. Isengard is my toilet bowl and the tidal wave of water that engulfs the entire city is my semi-digested beef vindaloo. My post-coffee diarrhea has a very high Reynold’s number (I’m sure my parents are pleased that I’m putting my engineering education to good use).

**

I love watching people miss the train. I get a big kick out of watching some business guy frantically sprinting from the ticket barrier to the train platform only to realize that the doors won’t open and that the train that would’ve gotten him to work on time is leaving without him. Meanwhile I’m lounging in the train and watching him through the window, mentally masturbating at the look of utter defeat on his sweaty, disheveled face.

**

I love Ray Barone. So does everybody, apparently. He’s one funny son of a bitch. Get it? Because his mother is a bitch!

**

I love dogs. Don’t we all? Well, except nutcases. In fact, “Do you like dogs?” should be the first and only question psychologists ask patients when they’re diagnosing for sociopathy. “Do you like dogs?” “Nope.” “Alright, fucking nutcase then. Moving on.” We love dogs because they love us. It’s that simple. Cats don’t love us; they’re in it for themselves. Dogs cast their egos aside and wear their hearts on their sleeve; they pout, whine and cry for your attention because they aren’t afraid to show that they’re clingy and vulnerable. Cats are afraid, because they’re pussies that are too pussy to be pussies. Dogs are like the bouncers of your house. When they’re barking at someone, they’re saying, “Can I see your ID?” I get along with dogs better than I do humans, because hanging out with a dog is like being in a nice, comfortable bubble with no criticism and judgement. If a human thinks I’m an asshole, he can say it to my face and I’ll feel bad. If a dog thinks I’m an asshole, what’s he gonna do, not wag his tail at me? He can’t hurt my feelings!

**

I love eavesdropping. I drop so many eaves. I don’t know what they are, but I  drop them like it’s fucking hot. Whether it’s on trains, planes, buses, cafes, restaurants, airports, I’m always keen to stick my fucking curious nose into other people’s lives. Just for once in my life, I don’t wanna have to hide the fact that I’m listening to someone else’s conversation on the train. I wanna turn in my seat, face them directly and say, “I’m listening to every word of your conversation and I’m judging your personalities in my head as I do so. This is public transport and I’m allowed to listen to the sounds that you choose to make audible with your mouth. If you don’t like it, feel free to retreat to the safety of your private property, but until then, carry on with your recreational conversation that adds nothing to human knowledge or the economy while I silently, peacefully and legally scrutinize every word that comes out of your mouth. No pressure.”

**

If you’re counting to 100 on a plane, make sure not to skip “10″ or you will scare a lot of people.

**

I once saw a bug on a can of insecticide and I remember thinking, “That’s a dumb cunt bug that doesn’t know it’s a dumb cunt.” The bug probably thought it was a genius hiding spot. “Humans will never find me here!” Speaking of stupid arthropods, this one time I saw a spider who had weaved its web on my shower head. That’s like a human building a house on a volcano.

**

How does your brain create the experience of a Japanese guy shitting in your mouth on a hot day? The process begins when light from the sun bounces off the warm mudslide of shit spurting violently out of the Japanese guy’s asshole, and enters your eyes. In your eyes, the electromagnetic energy of each photon is converted into electricity, which is sent to the occipital lobe at the back of your head, which converts it into a video file called “Sight.mov.” As the Japanese dude struggles to empty the contents of his bowels down your gullet, his vocal cords vibrate to produce a grunting sound, and the vibrations travel out of his mouth, into the air around you, and eventually into your ears; the mechanical energy of each moving vibration in your ear is converted into electricity, which is sent to your temporal lobe, which converts it into an audio file called “Sound.mp3.” Odor molecules wafting from the Japanese man’s diarrhea are swept up into your nostrils; the mechanical energy of the offensive aroma permeating your nose is converted into electricity, which is sent to your temporal lobe, which converts it into a file called “Scent.smel.” This file is particularly unpleasant due to all the sushi in the Japanese guy’s diet. As you chow down on his fecal matter, each morsel of shit comes into contact with the surface of your tongue, pressing it downwards slightly. The mechanical energy from the motion that occurs during this surface deformation is converted into electricity, which is sent to your parietal lobe, which converts it into a file called “Touch.feel.” Meanwhile, on another part of your tongue, each tastant molecule in the Japanese dude’s excrement dissolves in your saliva. Proteins in your tongue recognise these tastant molecules as either sweet, sour, salty or bitter molecules, and the mechanical energy of each molecule is converted into electricity; this taste-related electrical information is then sent to your parietal lobe, which converts it into a file called “Taste.gust.” All five of these files are then imported into some neurological software built into your brain similar to Adobe Premiere Pro. The software combines these five sensory files into a single file, the project is saved with the name, “The utterly revolting experience of eating a Japanese guy’s shit.consc,” and uploaded to your consciousness. It’s at this precise moment that you become aware of every different shape, size and shade of brown on each undigested shit-nugget entering your oral cavity and sliding down your throat; every detail of its warm temperature, bitter taste and puke-like consistency is experienced at once, along with every smell on the spectrum of foul to fucking odious. That’s how your brain creates the experience of a Japanese guy shitting in your mouth on a hot day.

**

Right now, in each of the trillions of cells in your body, there are millions of chemical reactions going on at once just to keep you alive. There are molecules working round the clock to keep your heart pumping and your muscles moving. There are molecules hacking away at the food in your body like biological lumberjacks; molecules chopping up harmful viruses and bacteria into tiny little pieces like axe murderers; molecules transporting oxygen and nutrients throughout your body like cardiovascular taxis;  molecules on your skin defending your body from viruses and bacteria like soldiers on the front line; molecules tirelessly pumping substances in and out of your cells every second of every day. But what I find most interesting about these chemical reactions in your body is that they never reach equilibrium, meaning all of these molecules never stop working. They don’t get days off or weekends. They don’t even get to sleep. These molecules are Spartan warriors that never get tired and never give up. They slave away, working their fingers to the bone…just to keep some fat cunt alive while he watches TV.

**

I hate mortality. Why do I have to fucking die? That sucks.

**

I hate when someone goes “wish me luck!” Don’t tell me what to do and don’t assume that I want you to do well. I wish you very shit luck, I hope you don’t succeed at whatever you’re doing and I hope you die in the process.

**

I hate watching, hearing and reading the news because I don’t wanna hear about terrorism, war and depleting resources but, on the other hand, I like the news because it makes conversations with boring people less painful. (Earnest)“So, did you hear about that thing that happened that was way more interesting than you - you - you dull cunt?”

**

I hate my hair. My hair makes me look like Seth Rogen if he just woke up, got electrocuted, and then went to the barber and asked for the Kramer. I hate my skin. My skin is the sun’s bitch. Every day those ultraviolet rays bend my skin over and fuck it right in its Scottish, freckle-covered, albino asshole. My skin is so piss-weak that I need sunscreen with SPF 5,000,000,000+ because I’m whiter than a sick Caspar in Alaska on Christmas Day in a Klan outfit. Caspar the Unfriendly, Nauseous and Racist Ghost. My skin is such a pussy that I walk outside and it immediately turns red faster than Alabama on election day and my sister’s tampons. Which reminds me, I hate bleeding. Every time I bleed in the ocean, my blood is advertising my own flesh to a target demographic of sharks in a three mile radius. Bleeding is when your skin sweats pain. I hate sweating. I’ve got Scottish genes, which makes me ill-adapted to live on a hot desert island like Australia so I sweat more than Pat Rafter in a sauna in Singapore with weed in his pocket. I’m the only one sweating on a cold day and in summer I sweat so much that I have to change my shirt three times a day, which shits me up the wall. I hate vomiting. It feels like I’m dying every time I do it. I’ve vomited at: weddings, birthdays, concerts, funerals and rock bottom. I’ve vomited in: toilets, taxis, strip clubs, sinks, gardens and drunken states of consciousness. I’ve vomited on: footpaths, couches, carpets, rugs, boats, beds, benders and other people. I’ve also vomited on grass, on grass. Which reminds me of another thing I hate: when adults think that jokes about sex, drugs and alcohol are more clever than jokes about books, chairs and tables just because the former topics are more taboo than the latter ones. I also hate how even in this paragraph my morals are contradictory and inconsistent. I hate when writers get too meta and self-aware. Fucking smartasses.

**

I hate when men try to be my friend. I’m not interested in being friends with men because they have nothing to offer me. They don’t have anything on their bodies that I want to touch, especially their very ugly penises. Plenty of men have a bunch of facts that they can teach me but I already have a friend who can teach me more facts and his name is Google. Some of you probably think I’m being sexist here and you’re exactly right. In fact, heterosexuality is sexist by definition since straight people discriminate potential partners based on gender. Any man that wants to be my friend should send in a resumé to [email protected]. In all seriousness, if you have a dick and you want to socialize with me, I charge $500 an hour because I demand to be compensated for the mental and emotional labor involved in giving a shit about anything you have to say. Wanna hang out with me for four hours? Cool, then give me $2000 upfront in cash before we start. I’m not kidding.

**

I hate the phrase “the one,” because the whole concept doesn’t make sense. Consider a hypothetical woman called Shelly who’s into men and believes in the concept of “the one.” I’ll assume 90% of men are into women and that Shelly doesn’t want to date minors and men over 60 so she’s ageist but at least she’s not a pedophile. If you crunch all the numbers you’ll find that Shelly thinks only one person out of 2.25 billion potential partners is compatible with her so she’s clearly a picky bitch with ridiculously high standards. If you’re not fussy as fuck like Shelly then there are millions of people out there for you and “the one” is a crock of shit. I hate the phrase “love at first sight.” If you look at someone and you get goosebumps or butterflies in your stomach, that’s not love you melodramatic moron. That’s physical attraction.

**

I hate when people say “you need to get laid.” As if sex solves all of life’s problems. As if having an orgasm for three seconds will pay all your bills for the rest of the year and bring your dead son back to life. Sex barely solves any of life’s problems. In fact, it causes a lot of them. Diseases, unwanted pregnancies, break-ups, divorces and life itself. Of course, the perfect response to this would be to say, “Whoever wrote this needs to get laid!” No I don’t, I already fucked your mother and I’m still pissed off at the world.

**

A friend of mine once described Trump as the guy in the book club who hasn’t read the book. “The book was so great. It had a very strong plot, that I can tell you. It had an incredible beginning, an incredible middle and an incredible end, believe me. You know it and I know it. You look at page 8, you look at page 32, you look at Chapter 3, you look at so many things going on in this novel. You look at the conflict, you look at the resolution. It’s gonna make literature so good, it’s gonna make readers proud, it’s gonna make publishers win again.” 

**

I wish I had a girlfriend. I wish I could click my fingers and have any woman I want appear on my lap. But the woman has to want to be on my lap. I don’t want Angelina Jolie to be doing her laundry only to vanish into thin air and reappear on some stranger’s lap and start freaking out. I want her to be teleported to my lap and then be like, “That was weird but now that I’m here, I like it. I definitely want to remain here on your lap and I’d like you to feel my tits.”

**

As a chronic wanker, I’m always on the lookout for the hottest pornographic video of all time. I’m an astronaut of perversion, exploring the boundless, limitless cosmos of internet pornography in search of the holy grail of eroticism; the one Porn Hub clip to rule them all. Every time I think I’ve found it, the novelty inevitably wears off and I resume my search, wondering to myself, “Will I ever find it? Or am I being too idealistic and chasing an unattainable high?” But then it happened, folks. I found it. I hit the jackpot of depravity and found the porn equivalent of life on Mars. A video so hot that merely replaying it in my mind gives me a boner. In fact, as I write this I’m thinking about masturbating to it later tonight and I’m more excited than Big Kev. The first time I watched it, I was alone in the dark, with curtains drawn, headphones in and the video playing on my laptop. From the first stroke, the pleasure soared and soared until it eventually peaked with the best orgasm I’ve ever had in my life. It was a moment of pure ecstasy, my friends. I cleaned myself up and added it to my Favorites immediately, secure in the knowledge that I would never have to enter another lewd search query into Google again because I knew right then and there that I wanted to spend the rest of my life jacking off to this video. Through sickness and in health, for better or worse, until death do us part.

**

When it comes to writing statuses on social media, not everyone needs to see a picture of every meal you eat and every shit you take afterwards; unless it’s a meal that nobody’s seen before or a turd so big that it clogs the toilet. A bigger piece of shit than Bono and the record-setting turd that Randy Marsh took.

**

“No comment” is a comment. “No offense” usually precedes something offensive. “I’m not going to dignify that with a response” is a response. The word “sesquipedalian” is sesquipedalian. A tautology is a tautology, which is a tautology. Circular definition (noun): A definition that is circular. Thesaurus.com lists 50 synonyms for the word “redundant.” The other day I wrote a to-do list with only one item: “Stop writing things down and trust your memory, idiot.” Sources make academic writing boring to read (James’s asshole, 2017). Any dude that takes magic mushrooms must be a really fun guy. I had a joke about Alzheimer’s, but I forgot what it was…oh that’s right, it was a really predictable one that wasn’t worth telling. Roses are red, violets are blue/People are so uncreative that they can only make jokes by using old templates and replacing a few words which is pretty much what passes for humor on the internet these days so fuck you. I’ve got no interest in interest rates, no business in businesses and I don’t want a company’s company. I turn down the TV when they’re talking about a downturn and I’d rather eat take-out alone than take out a loan, and you can bank on that. I love the feeling of a shower head above my head in the shower as I get head in the shower. Fuck, that makes me wanna head in the shower. I once saw a spider web underneath my shower head. That’s like a human building a house on a volcano. I have the longest dick that’s ever existed…on the spectrum between pitifully small and slightly below average. Nah, I actually do have a large dick. And brain. And capacity to lie. Like when I say “I love you” to my girlfriend, for example. Another example is when I say I have a girlfriend. I can relate to Voldemort because he’s pale, egotistical, terrified of death and he spends a lot of time alone with his snake. “What the hell’s the point of me existing if you never use me?” said my dick and Facebook account. “I always tell the truth, even when i lie.” That’s actually not possible, Scarface, you stupid drug addict. If you’re ever counting to 100 on a plane, don’t skip 10 or you���ll get in trouble. The only thing I can say in French is, “J’ai oublie tout de mon francais.” Technology is humans working really hard to make their lives really easy. Vacuum cleaners, straws and girlfriends are the only things that are awesome when they suck a lot. I always panic at the disco because I’m worried they’ll play that band’s shitty music. I speak fluent Rihanna…anna, anna, eh, eh, eh. Fans of Leonardo Fibonacci will like this sentence: I, a pi fan, solve problems algebraically. I’ve contemplated suicide many times, but the jury’s still out on whether or not I’ll hang myself. Hung jury, eh?  It’s a shame that the authors of suicide notes don’t ever get feedback on their work. YOLO stands for “you only live once.” Or YOLOPALTLFWSPFS for religious people (you only live once plus another life that lasts forever which sounds pretty fucking shit). Penn Jillette writes with a razorblade.

**

I sat around thinking the other day, very deeply and pensively, and I came to the conclusion to that I’m probably the dumbest, most worthless fucking moron who’s ever existed. I am such an unbelievably stupid cunt. I’m a pile of dog shit that should been aborted and chucked in the garbage with all the other fetuses. 

**

I’m socially retarded (can’t talk to people), biologically retarded (small dick), psychologically retarded (depression), financially retarded (unemployed, living with my parents) and emotionally retarded (I offend people all the time).

**

I was so high last night. Higher than the budget of a Michael Bay movie. Higher than Michael Jackson’s album sales, notes, vocal range, musical quality, income, the cost and area of his Neverland Ranch, the praise of his fans and his dosage at the time of death. Higher than infinity, Avogadro’s number, the largest known prime number and the computing power required to calculate it. Higher than the autotuned voices of Mickey Mouse and Elmo on helium with a chipmunk filter. Higher than the voice of Towelie. Higher than Towelie. Higher than Ozzy Osbourne, Charlie Sheen, Jesse Pinkman and Keith Richards bouncing on stilts on trampolines at the top of Mount Everest. Higher than Jumping Jai Taurima. Higher than the blood sugar level, BMI, weight, calorific intake and cholesterol of a fat diabetic woman taking twenty shots of glucagon in Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory. Higher than a hot chick’s self-esteem and Instagram traffic. Higher than Einstein’s brainpower and IQ, the speed of light he studied, the amount of nuclear energy his intellect unleashed upon the world and the death toll that it caused. Higher than the collective death toll of the Holocaust, the Rwanda massacre, the Armenian genocide, The Black Death, Communist Russia, Communist China, The Rape of Nanjing, The Boxing Day tsunami, the Permian and Cretaceous extinctions, every war in human history and 9/11. Speaking of 9/11, I was higher than the World Trade Center in 2000, the planes that destroyed it in 2001, the temperature at which it burned to ashes, the potential energy of the people jumping out, the terminal velocity they reached in the air, the increase in the universe’s entropy as a result of the collapse, the Heaven that the hijackers thought they were going to, the ratings of every news outlet that day and the amount of chaos, airport security and military expenditure that followed. Higher than the sky and everything in it: clouds, blimps, the Hindenburg just before it exploded, hot air balloons, zeppelins, rockets and UFOs. Higher than people are when they “see” a UFO. Higher than a bird. Higher than Zazu, Pride Rock and the cliff that Scar threw Mufasa off. Higher than my BAC the other night when I drove into some old bitch. Higher than her age, the pressure in my tires when I backed up on her, the pitch of her screams as I did so and the sentence I would have received if I got caught. Higher than a First World country’s GDP and standard of living. Higher than the number of similes I just used. That’s how high I was last night.

**

I wish I could be a kid again, armed with the knowledge that I have now as an adult. I’d do trick or treating very differently. “Yeah, give me your candy, you fucking moron. Yeah, put it in the bag, bitch. Yeah, thanks for the free food, you fucking dumb cunt.” In their eyes, I’d be a kid that didn’t know any better so I’d get away with it

**

Hi, I’m James, a white guy in a vast universe of white dwarves, black holes and black-body radiation. I’m the black sheep of my white-bread family; I often tell white lies. I was bitten by the black dog and I talk black, dog. I do black music like Black Thought. I never had blackheads or pearly whites and I’d rather have a white collar job than be a blacksmith or work at White Castle. I drink white coffee, black tea and Black Russians but I hate white wine. I eat white chocolate and White Knights, smoke White widow and Black & Mild and I buy white powder on the black market. I wear all black, hate the All Blacks and I hate white supremacists that hate all blacks. You know, the ones that try to blackball, blacklist and blackmail black males and hated the first black man in The White House. These are the same folks that see the world in black and white and get black eyes from Black Panthers and Black Lives Matter activists with black belts like Dana White. I like the comedy Blackadder, the black comedy of Jack Black, blackjack and Black Ops. I like the songs White America, White Wedding, Back In Black, Black Betty and Black Or White but I hate Black and Yellow, Welcome To The Black Parade and Black Skinhead. I like Black Sabbath, The Black Album by Jay Z, The White Album by The Beatles, The White Stripes and Barry White but I hate white noise like Whitey Ford, black metal, Rebecca Black, Black Veil Brides and the Black Eyed Peas. I like black-and-white movies, Black Swan, Black Hawk Down and Orange Is The New Black. My favorite fictional characters are Sirius Black, Mr Black from The Simpsons, the black men in Men In Black, Postman Pat’s black and white cat, Snow White, Walter White, Gandalf the White from the White Council who fought orcs at the Black Gate and the White Witch with black magic deadlier than Great White Sharks, white rhinos, black rhinos, American black bears, red-bellied black snakes, Black Mambas, Black Widows, The Black Death and Black Saturday. I’m not a fan of white water rafting, white flag raising, pots calling kettles black and black-outs cuz I can’t charge my white Blackberry. I can, however, still use the White Pages if I ever wanna find houses with white picket fences on Whitehorse Road in Blackburn.

**

A LITANY OF ALLITERATED LITERATURE

I have frizzy follicles and a forehead of facial freckles. I freestyle like Funkmaster Flex, Flava Flav, Fabolous, Fergie and Future. I find flatulent farts fucking funny and frequently fantasize about fame, fortune and fondling, fucking, fingering, fisting and fornicating the fannies of foxy, foreign females from Finland, France and Fiji. I’m a fastidious, fascinating freak with a foot fetish that furiously faps to femme fatale femdoms that flagellate, flog, flay, flail and ferule. My favorite foods are Freddo Frogs, French fries, fried fish fingers, Funyuns, frankfurts, fettucine, pho, flatbread, Flathead fish fillets and fresh, fat-free fruits from the freezer and fridge. I’m no fond fan of Fanta and frothy, fruit-flavored frappucinos. Foster’s makes my faculties fuzzy and foggy till I fall face-first on the floor. I use Frequent Flyers on fungus fueled flights of fancy at Falls Festival. I foresee a future free of fossil fuels and factory farming. I floor my Ford Focus down freeways faster than a feral fox, a flamingo in full flight, The Flash, a fitness freak, and a felonious fugitive fleeing the feds in a Ferrari, like Fast & Furious. Feminists are frumpy, fat, fugly and flabby foes with Fred Flinstone’s features. They make my phallus flaccid and floppy. Physics focuses on forces like friction. Four and five are factors of forty, and four fifths is a fraction and a fatal firearm. Federer is physically fit as a fiddle with a fantastic, phenomenal forehand. Fringe fundamentalists, like Fred Phelps, are full-fledged fuckwits that find flamboyant, fudge-packing, phallus-fellating, fella-fucking, flaming faggots with fabulous fashion, like the Fab Five, even fouler and filthier than fetid, funky, festering feces. They forego physics in favor of faith and fixate on fallacious, false, foolish, fatuous, facile, fictional, fact-free, philosophically and fundamentally flawed fables with a frightening, feverish, fanatical, frenzied and fervid fervor, like the faithful followers of the fascist, fearful Fuhrer. I favor frank and forthright folks over phony, fibbing, fabricating frauds with feigned fronts and facades who forge fictitious falsehoods faker than Facebook friends. Feathers are phenotypic features of falcons, fowls, finches, flickers, pheasants and the phoenix Fawkes, from the fictional fantasy film franchise featuring Filch, Fudge, Fang, The Fat Friar, Filius Flitwick, Florean Fortescue, Firenze, Fluffy, The Forbidden Forest and Felix Felicis, the fluid of fortune. Flora: five fingered ferns, firs, fennels, figs, flaxes, frangipani flowers, fronds and feverfews. Fauna: fawns, ferrets, furry felines, flying frogs, fruit flies, fireflies, fleas and flatworms.

**

I think it’s funny that in terms of life, humans only care about plants because we can eat them and get high from them; animals because we can eat them, fuck them and get high with them; fungi because we can eat them, get high from them and Mario; bacteria because they’re a threat to our existence, and fuck all that other bullshit. There are billions of other living things out there but we left them out of our art and culture because nobody gives a shit about a bunch of sea weed-y, sludgy shit. No one wants to read a children’s book called Peter the Protist, Albert the Alveolate, Sammy the Slime Mold or Archie the Archaeon.

**

Brush your teeth twice a day.

No, it’s 2.13 times a day.

Here’s the proof.

If you think I’m overstating how significant this finding is, or that there’s just a negligible difference between 2.13 and 2, you’re an idiot. Cuz if 100 days pass and on each day he brushes his teeth 2 times per day, he brushes his teeth 200 times overall, whereas if he brushes his teeth 2.13 times a day, he brushes his teeth 213 times overall in the 100 day period.

Make sure your government doesn’t become a dictatorship, because it very well can. Happened in Germany. Happened in Italy. Happened in Russia. Kinda still happening in Russia. Happened in China. Happened in Mongolia. Happening in North Korea. Happened on Planet Vegeta when Frieza enslaved the Saiyan race. Happened to the wizarding world at large when the Dark Lord rose to power. Twice.. Happened in Cambodia. Happened in Burma. Happened in Make sure you identify all possible dictators and prevent their dictatorial impulses from politically actualizing. Happened in a Sacha Baron Cohen movie. Charlie Chaplin one as well.

[hotel-oscar]

FACTS : what I know without a shadow of a doubt happened vs deduction, speculation and/or my opinion.

FACT : December 18th, Sunday - Woke up on corner of Robertson & Santa Monica Blvd in front of Pavilions. I was partially robbed & obviously sexually molested. Also had 1 thin clean cut over left top lip. Like a purposely cut line approximately 1" in length. I was also missing my left earring. It was a black circle and superman symbol on other (I sometimes use that mismatch combo on my left ear only and both matching circles on the right). It’s the kind often referred to as fake plugs so they screw into each other, which in turn makes them more secure and a task to remove so ya, left earring was missing and not on the floor. Otherwise, absolutely no other signs of visible trauma or impact points so I know I didn’t fall on the ground.

FACT : I was missing my wallet, motorcycle key, motorcycle w helmet BUT I still had my A1 leather bomber jacket on, $1+ in coins, 2x collector Swiss Army pocket knives & my black Ray Ban Wayfarer sunglasses. Partial robbery…? I then went into Pavilions’ and bought myself a Tonic Water w the change I had.

FACT : I parked right in front of Abbey and went into Chapel @ the Abbey and bought Bacardi Limon from the tall slender female bartender with the obviously fake English accent.

FACT : Other than feeling confused to how, when & HOW the hell I ended up there, I felt 100% sober & clear minded. This was no surprise to me since I know I didn’t even drink enough to have a buzz. I don’t even remember finishing my shot.

FACT : I thought it weird that NO ONE offered to neither help me nor express any concern. Then when I went back to The Abbey to get my credit card that I had left there, everyone was being rude and giving me the run around and saying come back & just meaner than I have ever recalled them being. They never gave me back my card. I tried from before 7am until noon.

****UPDATE**** They charged my card $40 and it’s a straight up lie. For one, I lost my phone a few days earlier and so I wasn’t sure my balance so I was limiting myself 1-2 drinks max and I always keep my limit. Second, I haven’t spent $40 on a tab since the military and that’s no joke. Besides, I’m 100% positive that I didn’t authorize $40.

FACT : At sundown, I walked miles and miles walking all lit main streets until someone finally asked me if I was ok. It was a homeless woman at a 711 whom I later gave my Air Force Swiss Army pocket knife to as a gift. I was freezing and hungry & she fed me and we huddled together for body heat right outside the 711 doors. When she left, she offered me to go with her but I still felt a danger lurking and didn’t want to put her at risk. When she left, I began looking for a cement or steel trash can bc I was shivering uncontrollably from the cold and needed to get warm. I found one on a sidewalk adjacent to a gas station. I made sure there was no residue gas dripping from the pumps as I walked by them on my way to the trashcan on street. I started that fire for the sole reason of staying warm but also made sure I was being seen on the station’s camera in case anything happened to me bc I had a feeling that someone wanted to make me disappear.

FACT : At no time was anyone or thing in any danger, including myself. Firefighters put it out. Cops (LAPD) showed up after the fire was already out and the firefighters were packing up to leave. It was obvious I was going to get hurt right off the back so I repeatedly told them loudly & clearly that I was a woman. They only got more aggressive and more threatening to the point where I thought that’s it, I’m about to get tazed/shot so I finally yelled, “Ok ok I’m a guy,”– in which they proceeded to tackle me, hogtie, rip my nose back, suffocate me, inject me & beat me. I begged & pleaded for my life forever it seemed bc I couldn’t breathe & that alone was unbearable. When I realized that they were not going to let up, I yelled in Spanish for God to help me and that’s when I got one last sock to the face in which I pretended to be knocked out. I began listening and feeling everything they were doing. I felt my butt exposed while they injected me w something. They had my socks off and had my ankles turned in an unnatural way which w the handcuffs made it impossible to feel anything they were doing to them but the overwhelming pain & fear of breaking like my wrist already felt was. I do however remember the firefighters driving by close enough to make eye contact while I was struggling on the floor before pretending to lose consciousness.

FACT : They tortured me for over 25+ minutes but now actually seemed a lot longer than that and am sure it was. Then they finally put me in a paramedic-like vehicle where not only did they refer to me as a WOMAN but one said, “I wish she’d keep squirming so I could rip her nose back again.” Wtf? Then they proceeded to cut my A1 AF leather bomber jacket into little pieces so I’d never wear it again. Btw, that jacket clearly had my (female) name & rank on front name badge. Then they cut off my white t-shirt and binder which held down my breast followed by sticking an IV down a vein in my throat and opening my eyes and pushing each one so far into my skull that I swore they were gonna poke each out. I’ve never had anyone do these things to me & didn’t know people like that even existed, let alone people that wore uniforms and were supposed to be saving lives. Not enjoying themselves torturing one… I heard them all making little jokes and enjoying themselves the entire time and even when I was walked thru the precinct and booking topless with my breast out in the open (Yet, they were still trying to book me as a male even then!). I remained exposed for everyone to see until I was seen by the doctor in holding in which she said can we put a shirt on him/her. She saw the IV in my throat & asked why the hell they put an IV in me. Even the officer stuttered that he didn’t know why. They x-rayed my wrist bc it was badly injured. I still have no feeling of left thumb and wrist. I still have scars on wrists and ankles from being hogtied with the handcuffs overly tightened. At the time I had blood and swelling at my wrists and ankles from the handcuffs. I also noticed that I was bleeding under one of my middle toes from my left foot & wasn’t previously.

FACT : I reported the rape from West Hollywood as soon as I felt safe and asked for rape kits. Santa Monica Hospital, USC and LA County Women’s Jail. Sheriffs sent SVU investigators to talk to me while in jail. I told them every detail including how I got my motorcycle stolen from right in front of the Abbey and gave them title info in order to find it. The men left their #’s. I called them several times later to find out status and left msgs. I did this from jail and later from home after I was released. I never ever received a call back or acknowledgment and the other # said it didn’t exist. I made sure to keep record of any calls & messages I made to or left them as well as keep the business card they gave me when they came to see me in jail.

{For the record, WOMEN’S LA County Jail was the best part of this ordeal. Not only did they take care of me and make me feel safe and respected me but also the inmates were a blessing to have met. Each inmate made a very special & personal contribution to my heart’s recovery. They all became my friends and I know we all share a special bond and will no doubt see each other again and hopefully work with too. Thank u to every Deputy. U guys genuinely care about human beings and I’m sorry there are Sheriffs that carry guns on the outside tarnishing your priceless contribution to humanity. I’d work w u guys any day.}

________________________________________

FACT : I was in Signal Hill the day before and received a ticket for the motorcycle being parked on the sidewalk. The motorcycle a 1983 Blue Hondamatic had mismatching license plate from VIN on registration. This is bc I have 2 of the same exact bike and often switched out parts between them. I have its twin sitting here at home in pieces and missing its original license plate, which went w the stolen bike. When I finally got home from jail in mid January, I discovered that the titles for both of the bikes that I had put away safely in a box were both missing. I didn’t even have time to fully take in this whole mess before I was conveniently 5150’d for crying on a curb on a street named Cudahy in which HP Police decided to tow my other bike which was simply parked against the curb correctly & not even w key in it. It was towed to Mr. C’s Towing in South Gate. I tried to get it after my VA nightmare but they wanted me to pay $66 per day for something they did illegally. Well, just like my other bike it has a twin so it has the same mismatching plate detail. I still have the title for this one and the original plate on me. Not on the bike they are holding. I also have the original plate for the 1983 Hondamatic that I just learned from its previous owner, the guy I bought it from, that it was auctioned off in January while I was in jail. They said that they had contacted him to demand he pay for the fees that I guess were not recovered w the f***ing auction but when he tried calling them back w his defense the DMV claimed they had no record of the bike’s existence. Can somebody please tell me what the f*** is going on????

****UPDATE**** I can’t seem to get a police report anywhere. I want to know what they said so I can defend myself but they keep jerking me around sending me on a wild goose chase and lying. HPPD first said I was operating the bike impaired but when I brought evidence contradicting that, they changed their story once again. This time they say that they didn’t want to be responsible in case the bike was stolen while I was in the hospital bc God knows how long I’d be there. BULLSH*T. 1st, they 5150’d me which is a 72 hr hold. 2nd, I’m sure I could have easily arranged for a family member to just walk over and get it. No biggie. 3rd, U ARE RESPONSIBLE for it being stolen! Both PD & Towing place keep sending me back and forth to supposedly get something needed which have been lies and the days have added up. Here’s the big whopper though, they hold for 45 days after which they not only send me to collections for the entire 45+ day storage cost but they ALSO auction my bike! Wow, talk about rape…is this even legal??? It doesn’t seem ethical that’s for sure. I know it’s not right in my heart either. I still have faith in humanity. I refuse to believe there are so many evil people around here.

________________________________________

West Hollywood Sheriffs think they can do whatever they want and say and do unspeakable things without any repercussions. (????) Literally think they are above the human race and they have an acute hate for strong women who don’t need men (i.e. Lesbians). As far as I’m concerned, they are domestic terrorists and traitors to our country and God-given rights. If u don’t believe me, I’m sure they have videos. They have a thing for recording everything. Or u can believe me bc I’ve never lied to u and would never want to see anyone else hurt. I rather it be me than anyone else bc I know I was born special & can take more than others and I’m ok. Plus, I took an oath to protect my country against ALL ENEMIES, foreign & DOMESTIC and I meant it & live accordingly. I was born to serve my country and its perfect people. I take attacks on them personally and will be damned if I let them intimidate me into letting them get away with it. Over my dead body and even after that.

I believe martial law should be implemented in LA County with special emphasis on West Hollywood & VA in Long Beach (ER & L1 psych ward), if not ALL Emergency Rooms, Psych Wards & Law Enforcement in the county of Los Angeles.

West Hollywood used to be a safe haven for gay people from all over the country. Now it’s become the fastest way to become a non-reported missing person. I’ve had the privilege of meeting their spirits and the honor of their unwavering love and guidance through my drugging, rape, torture and eventual death. That girl I used to be is forever gone.

________________________________________

The VA in Long Beach has a modern God-complex psychotic Doctor who I lovingly refer to as GPS bc his name sounds like a GPS Navigation brand name. Dr. Magellan?

FACT : I told them I didn’t want to go in the back door. I didn’t feel comfortable & told them I rather go in through the front entrance just like every other 50 millionth time but they were adamant & not budging. I had a bunch of pix w me but mainly of my niece and nephews. Before knocking out I tucked them into my binder like I had been every night. I woke up and found them sprawled all over the bed & floor which was odd & shocking but to make matters worse, 3 pix were missing and that pissed me off. I pulled a fire alarm. Not only did they cancel it on their own instead of the fire department but it also made them pretty angry so 2 guys tied me up to a bed and then each injected a shoulder. I muttered something about the only people that could cancel a fire alarm are the firefighters and was out.

I don’t think anything u guys did was cool. The mystery straight up bite mark was like wtf (and I know u’ll say it’s mine but not only is that stupid as hell but also physically impossible bc of angle it was done).

FACT : Blood & liquid build up on toes by the nails, not being able to account for over a week, being told I’m being given certain meds that we both know damn well aren’t what u said they were, u getting upset w the social worker for not hanging up properly w a public defender and accidentally recording everything u were saying right before I walked in and just all of your bs, GPS. Honestly, I just feel betrayed by everybody there bc I trusted them. I already didn’t trust u bc u always had a smile when u were telling me something that would make my world crumble. I do remember seeing the cameras in the employee meeting room and thinking oh sh*t they are watching me change & sleep?? Then I thought how is that possible if inside the rooms there is not a camera in sight. Still, I wish I would have had a courtesy heads up before getting undressed bc that’s embarrassing/uncomfortable for me to do around anybody.

I also finally realized that not only have u guys been f-ing w my mental health but also that u literally are not one bit interested in really helping me. The same goes to the ER where they watched me have an anxiety attack and didn’t calm me down but instead took detailed notes of whatever fright I was experiencing and even had others come watch and also do nothing except ask that same dumb question, Do u wanna hurt anyone or yourself, all while watching me bawl my eyes out & scared outta my mind seeing whatever it was that was so terrifying but thank goodness u made sure to make a detailed transcript, right?? That still surprises me btw bc I only begin to remember it when u read from it. Weird how u guys remember my dreams/nightmares better than I do. Like how are u able to get inside my head while I’m totally asleep…?? Seriously.

FACT : I always made sure to get a ride to your ER where every time I’d walk in and just ask for someone to talk to. That’s all just a Therapist or someone that could help me relax just by listening and responding like one and not some smart-ass condescending one that belittles what I’m feeling as if I didn’t just now ask for help. I just needed to talk to someone and I’m sure my provider remembers how many times throughout the years I would continuously ask for one-on-one therapy. Every single time I saw u guys I’d ask for that therapy and I practically lived there! Yet, I would be put to sleep & always waking up days later confused of where I was at and then later finding out from the other patients that I was out for days! DAYS! WTF is that all about?? U can’t tell me I’m a drug addict that was doing this to myself bc I know now that is all BS and I’m really pissed about it. U swear we aren’t smart enough to know the difference between the drugs we knowingly put into our systems and the ones u claim are the cause of our perpetual detachment from reality! Yes, u do a good job of keeping us confused so that we accept your BS but eventually something had to give. Maybe my tolerance got higher or maybe I just became immune to your junk. It really is unbelievable how f-ed up u are. I didn’t think there was a cure for what u said I had bc I couldn’t wrap my mind around the perpetual diagnosis u would give me and I’d reluctantly accept even though I hadn’t been doing any drugs. I somehow would convince myself that maybe I don’t remember using (ya right) or someone in my life was purposely drugging me (which made me paranoid) or maybe it was just my guilty conscience from using in the past. I didn’t even consider that u’d be that evil and that your staff would be too naive to question.

I still can’t believe this is happening. So many of my Vet buddies were patients of yours. Some got worse and others I’ve never seen again and no one has either bc I’ve asked. We’re family and we look out for each other no matter what and u know that. It’s unfair that u’d tell the staff to tell me that they were not able to tell me what happened to Izzy for privacy reasons but he had no other next of kin. I was his family and I knew something happened to him the first time I returned to L1 after he was gone and u put me in his old room. I can feel everything and I knew and cried. I’m not saying u did something to him but my last memory of him was me being discharged from there and wanting to say bye but seeing him be tied down to the same bed but not making it easy for your staff. He was in duress and I should have stayed to calm him. I don’t think any of this is funny. Not one bit. I don’t play around when it comes to other people’s quality of life. Heck no and though not all of u guys are guilty, I still won’t return to your part of the hospital and will share that w the Vets I know. There’s nothing u can say to confuse me anymore. I finally feel more like the old me I used to be when I was still in the military. It took more than a miracle for me to overcome this but I’m glad I did and I’m glad u guys were wrong. I’m totally fine and healthy and NOT addicted to any substance or thing. I’m also STILL not a danger to myself or anyone. In fact, every day I get better & better. I had forgotten how good it felt to be sane.

There’s something wrong w u, GPS and I’m sure I’m not the only one that would agree and I’m sure we can count on u to always be smiling when u know ur about to and/or are making someone miserable. U really had me going there which is why I felt no remorse when I turned the tables on u. Just remember, ur the doc and u discharged me regardless of my state and me asking for help. U can figure the rest out.

****UPDATE**** I requested all my medical records from VA. I reviewed my recent 5150 stay in L1. In the short summary they are very detailed on all days except for the 6 day gap of nothing. So I went back to review the entire month of March to see what u put for those 6 days I lost. It’s funny bc u put the same type of very detailed notes for those 6 days. U put my vital signs, exact bowel movements, participation, % of food eaten, etc. Oh u also mentioned that I was temporarily put in restraints and stated the strict policies u have with that like notifying next of kin and 24/7 100% face to face surveillance. Well first off, EVERYTHING u wrote for those 6 days minimum are complete utter BS. Lies. Not only did I find many holes in your detailed fabricated data but regardless of me having to prove anything, u’ve managed to screw yourself. I’ll put it to u this way, u somehow managed to keep meticulous record of not treating me for my said perpetual disorder but also keeping me at that state the whole time. Plus, there were other discrepancies that might seem small but in my case stand out like a sore thumb bc it meant I was 100% not myself in anyway which would be the first in my life since I’m very consistent regardless of my state of mind. So glad the AF & VA keeps records of everything so I’ll let them speak for themselves. U should have paid closer attention to me all these years or just listened to me every time I told u certain things about myself that haven’t changed my entire life. They are important in order to be able to accurately assess and treat me, your patient, medically. I mean, it could mean life or death literally. Either way, u grossly neglected to do that job u swore to do correctly. Add f-ing liar to that. Never mind that u guys also have 100% surveillance in L1 so per your notes, everything in those 6 days should check out at least visually right? Well at the very least for your sake.

I urge everyone to call the jails, hospitals and everywhere to find that loved one and make it known that that person will be missed and looked for and that no one will give up and accept their loss bc they couldn’t live with themselves if they did. Go in person, call or go online to check inmates & arrests. Snapchat and use all & any current social media to record, keep track of, make note of or just have as insurance if anyone is not doing their job, threatening u, putting your life in danger, lying to u or just getting a bad feeling from. They tend to think twice before continuing their disturbing behavior towards u but also letting others know what’s up in case, God forbid, they do harm u. Email all resources & be heard. Email even strangers that might just be in your address book automatically from buying something from them on Craigslist. Serious. Someone, the right person will be listening and that’s all it takes.

FACT : I’m an Air Force Vet who got out in her prime and had nothing less than a stellar career but decided she wanted to be with her family and see their kids be born and grow up. She chose family and chose right. I still have very close ties to my military family and still have the same beliefs I had while serving which is why I will continue to serve, pay or not. I began to transition from female to male but I never intended to change my gender nor name so basically even though considered Transgender, I am just a woman that looks like a dude but I don’t pretend to be and don’t tell others I am. I’m a woman who’s happy looking masculine, as weird as that sounded just now. Ha. Some women get breast implants, others want them removed. Truth is I just rather look this way and it makes me happier than I’ve ever been and the people that love me say that it shows and that makes them happier as well.

FACT : I represent a vast majority of Americans who struggle against all kinds of discrimination and violence and at the hands of everyone, including my own kind. I’m Hispanic, Mexican, Irish & Jewish descent, Woman, Lesbian, Transgender, Gay, Military Veteran, Domestic Violence Survivor, Rape Survivor, Mental Illness, been Homeless. The reason I mention this is bc everything that happened to me can only be categorized as a HATE CRIME because not only did they totally know I was a female all along but there really was absolutely NO NEED to cut my jacket into little tiny pieces AND strip me NUDE topless. That was obviously meant to shame me. Yes, it was deliberate and intentional. They knew what I was and they 100% intentionally meant to hurt me. There’s plenty of evidence to back it up as well. Including the officer’s body cam. I even asked him what that was on his shirt and he told me that it was his body cam.

FACT : If a woman or man or speaking animal says that they were raped. THEY WERE. Who the f*** are u to tell a person, especially a grown-ass one what THEIR body feels. Shame on u stupid women who decided to be the judge of that bc u let rapists of all that are living know that it was ok.

Regardless of u doing unbelievably psycho and amazingly unfair things to me to make me feel like I should just shut up and forget that these things happened to me, I simply can’t. I’m not gonna lie, I really, really considered it and even contemplated moving far away but it always comes back to NO, I’m not crazy. I didn’t imagine this sh*t bc I know the difference between being f-ed up or confused. NO, they will never stop and they will hurt so many more people and I can’t live with that sh*t. I know u f**ks are all working together in some crazy ass levels of authority making it seem like we have no choice but to bend over and take it and believe me, I thought this was too twilight zonish to still be reality but u really do exist. U literally can do whatever u want and have been getting away with it for years. I’m gonna bring an end to that now. I’ve gone above and beyond and even what u can’t fathom to make sure that nmw the truth is known and u guys will not get away with any of it.

Anyways, I was just giving u a heads up of what’s to come and that everything u do (literally) is in our favor and absolutely instrumental in justice. God love us for believing in him and our God given rights. One nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and JUSTICE FOR ALL. One Love - God, Family, Country (US).

[canecainkane]

Christmas Wedding Planner (2017): first 80 minutes

Okay so listen, I truly cannot cover this whole movie in one review, so I divided it up according to ridiculousness: the first 80 minutes versus the last 5 minutes, which made me shout at my TV more than any other three movies so far this holiday season.

Netflix Description: “A wedding planner's world is turned upside down when a handsome private investigator is hired to disrupt one of her biggest jobs.”

This description? Chock full o’ lies. Let me rewrite this for honesty:

“An apparently unemployed woman who wants to become a wedding planner's world is turned upside down when a ridiculously handsome private investigator is hired to investigate someone, which may disrupt one of her biggest jobs literally the only job she’s ever had as a wedding planner (which she’s doing pretty badly).” 

RATING: 

Candy Canes: w/out last five minutes: 4 out of 5; with last five minutes: 2

Confession: Despite the slew of online reviews calling this the worst Christmas movie ever made, the first 80 minutes almost fooled me. Was it silly, contrived, emotionally manipulative and predictable? Um, that’s what we mean when we say Christmas movie. But until the last five minutes clonked me over the head with a cast iron skillet of stupidity, I didn’t notice how much worse than average it was. I’m a simple woman and I was distracted by the bright, shiny production values, the weird/wonderful costumes and how goddamn glossy everyone’s perfect, perfect hair was.

Dean Cains: with hottie goggles on: 4 out of 5; goggles removed: 2

Let the record show -- I’ve been watching these movies for 25 years, and this is the first one I’ve ever seen with a male lead whom I find even remotely attractive. Slash actually kind of straight-up bangable? Is he an average or better actor? I really can’t even be objective. And triple that for Jacqueline Hudon: I’ve got a weakness for big-eyed coltish redheads. It’s like a chemical reaction. But objectively, the acting was pretty embarrassing ... especially Jocelyn Hudon who moves as compulsively as a hummingbird--twitching, simpering, fidgeting, so awkward and self-affected she’s always, like, a quarter-second away from staring directly at the camera. Whatever. I’ll still watch every Christmas movie she ever makes.

Citizen Kanes: 0 out of 5

The movie is called Christmas Wedding Planner. It was based on a Harlequin novel, and produced, mysteriously, by a company called “Brain Power Productions.” The prosecution rests, your honor.

TOTAL: 8! As long as you fall asleep five minutes before the end, and you happen to perfectly share my passion for Emma Stone-ish women & dudes who look like sexy, stubbly non-custodial parents.

Otherwise, 4. But at least it’s not a boring 4 -- it earns that 4 by being truly, magnificently terrible.

WTF Moments:

*A two-fer with these screenshots: they tell you everything you need to know about the plot AND about Jocelyn Hudon’s aggressive facial mugging. 

Actually, a three-fer: yes, that’s just a straight-up gift-wrapping ribbon tied around her neck for some reason, and no, that’s not the only ... ruffled tea saucer (??????) that’s perched precariously on Kelly Rutherford’s head throughout this movie.

*Seriously, look at this bullshit they stapled to her gloriously glossy mane:

Sorry, babe, but until you evict that garbage crab from your scalp, you don’t get to judge other people’s decisions. (I mean, goddamn, costume department.That is Ms. Lily van der Woodson whose head you are besmirching. How DARE you?)

*My husband and I were trying to solve the mystery of Hallmark’s Charisma-Defying Troupe of Chinless Wonders and my husband put forth the theory: the men aren’t meant to be aspirational. They’re supposed to be exactly handsome enough that the potato-chip chomping, yoga-pants clad Christmas movie binge-ing viewer (self included, obvs) would say: “Yeah, y’know, realistically? I could get with that guy.”

He’s an insightful man. No idea how Stephen Huszan managed to slip through the rigorous hot-but-not-too-hot inspection, but I’m not complaining.

*Also, I just realized why I was immune to the sheer obnoxiousness of Jocelyn Hudon’s acting: I was inoculated from watching Karen Gillan’s almost identical performance in “Selfie.” I simultaneously love that show and die cringe death from the grating over-stylization.

*Of course, no movie would be completely without a cast of intriguing and pivotal side characters! Look at these five quirky characters who are in multiple scenes each! Each bridesmaid has her own distinct personality trait! The hilariously anal-retentive baker! A struggling restaurateur!

Okay now FORGET ABOUT THEM FUCKING IMMEDIATELY, because that’s what the movie does. Seriously, not one of these people has a storyline that comes back. Not even the restaurateur, who is the PI’s best friend / business partner and the caterer of the title wedding. NONE of the characters (including the bride!) has a storyline that goes beyond aiding & abetting the main characters’ love story. The closest we get to a B plot is persnickety baker using Eureka lemons in his cake (the fool!).

These characters have such meager internal lives that even the bride -- the person who gets the third-most screen time -- wanders around in a luded haze, totally ignoring her own (terribly unplanned) wedding so she can chummily grill her bff/cousin/wedding planner about her hot hook-up with said bride’s ex. Which, like, I barely even liked most of my exes while I was dating them, but if a friend of mine hooked up with one of my exes at my engagement party, I would 100% give their full contact information to every Republican candidate newsletter I could dig up.

*But forget the hottie ex-snatching -- bride should be scratching Kelsey’s eyes out for how badly she’s fucking up this wedding. If four days before my wedding, the wedding planner was STARTING to make her “vision board,” I’d be on Kayak booking tickets to Vegas. Drive-thru Elvis > $$$$$ wedding planned by a woman who apparently hasn’t even heard of Pinterest.

The timeline on the planning for this -- I cannot stress enough -- super elegant high society wedding:

8 days before: Throw an engagement party for the bride and groom; talk New York Times writer into covering the wedding and sell them photo rights without a contract

7 days before: Choose the wedding dress; caterer cancels but don’t book a new one -- it’ll probably work itself out; discover the bachelorette party has to be fully re-planned

6 days before: Teach the bride to bake so she can sweatshop up gingerbread wedding favors for 200+ guests; book a new caterer who has never done a wedding before but reassures you that: “yeah,” he “can probably do that”

5 days before: The groom’s parents throw a ... pre-wedding party for all the same guests who were at the engagement party and who will be at the wedding? (Sssshh, don’t think too hard about it.) Show up late and make out with the bride’s ex.

4 days before: Create a vision board for the wedding decor.

3 days before: Eh, the wedding’s pretty much in shape. Spend the day in a white van with binoculars, spying on the groom.

2 days before: Mope on your couch.

1 day before: Whatever.

Day of: Wear your non-matching bridesmaid dress, run a few errands while everyone is already at the church, then drop a truth-bomb that nukes the wedding! Wooooo!

Career self-sabotage, thy name is Kelsey Whatever.

*Though I have to give snaps -- the day-long stakeout was ridiculous, but I was glad that Kelsey and the PI (Hunter? Duncan? Vin? Honestly, he may be hot, but he still tumbled out of the same Cosmic Gumball Machine of Interchangeable Men as the rest of these Xmas hunks) actually spent time together. So often, these couples spill coffee on each other, then meet again in a tree lot, then talk about their dead parents during a snowball fight and it’s LOVE FOREVER after forty non-consecutive minutes together. So I appreciated that they spent a full day together and we could actually see them vibing.

“A Christmas movie couple that actually spends time together!” I thought. “A couple who gets to know each other instead of just ninja-kicking into an ill-conceived relationship!”

Haaaaaaaa. 

*I grabbed this picture of random street musicians because I thought, in my first-80-minutes innocence that this was going to be the most ridiculously extra moment all movie.

But, you know, cheesy Christmas movies are like the days we live: Each one is kind of special but, let’s be honest, mostly similar to what came before. We won’t remember the vast majority of them. They’re filled with mediocre men and cool women. And you never know, going into one, whether it might unexpectedly prove to be the best or worst of your year, or even of your life.

#christmas wedding planner #netflix #netflix christmas movie #bad christmas movies #movie recaps

[yourcertainstudentlight-blog]

Enders Nebraska Cheap car insurance quotes zip 69027

"Enders Nebraska Cheap car insurance quotes zip 69027

Enders Nebraska Cheap car insurance quotes zip 69027

BEST ANSWER:  Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://financeandcreditsolutions.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr 

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Enders Nebraska Cheap car insurance quotes zip 69027

Enders Nebraska Cheap car insurance quotes zip 69027

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state? If this is true why not have affordable health care for all. We can't all work for the federal government or for the state we live in. Most companies can't afford ...show more

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i am 18 years old and taking driving lessons.after i pass can i get insured for two weeks.if i can please give me websites.thanks

Enders Nebraska Cheap car insurance quotes zip 69027

Enders Nebraska Cheap car insurance quotes zip 69027

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I am 22 years old, living in Southern California.""

Car insurance question?

i am 18 years old and taking driving lessons.after i pass can i get insured for two weeks.if i can please give me websites.thanks

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do these insurance schemes really cover you for major surgery?

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ok i'm a international student and i just found out that i got a cervical cancer or abnormal cell growth, and i don't have a health insurance and i don't know how to pay for it? if i get a health insurance would it cover it?""

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How much will insurance cost for a 16 year old boy for the following cars. Mustang GT Mustang (V6) Toyota Tacoma Please no answers like You don't need a GT or too much for you money is not a problem for me (not that its any of your freaking business) i just would like to know.

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in Richardson, Texas.""

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How can I verify if the car I'm driving has insurance?

I do have the VIN# and car info, but there was no insurance papers in car. I also don't have a contact number on the car's owner""

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i'm looking for a low cost insurance plan for 1 child. not medicaid or anything like that, but the one's i've found are about 200-250/month. location is north carolina.""

How Much is Car insurance policy for an 02 PT Cruiser?

Ok So I am getting my liscense soon and i was wondering how much a policy is for an 02 PT i am also on honor roll and passing drivers ed and was wondering how much it would be for a driver 17 (me) and a driver over 25 with no claims

Insurance for a camaro...engine types?

Well I've been looking into getting a camaro but insurance may be too much. I just have a few simple questions for anyone who knows. Does the insurance company charge more for an Iroc / Z28? Would they know if you bought a camaro with a (for ex.) 377 stroker and charge more? I was looking at a camaro with an LG4 hoping the insurance would be lower but how would they know what motor it has? Also...for the winter can you temporarily take the camaro off, to put a winter car on? I don't want to be paying for insurance when its being stored. Thanks!""

What kind of insurance would I need for this?

There is a private residence that I would like rent out for my daughter's wedding. I am going pay him a certain amount for use of the house but then I'd like to take our a short term insurance policy in case the house is damaged or someone is injured.

How much would it cost to add me on my dads insurance to drive his car? UK?

The car is a 2001 peugeot 206, 1.4 engine Personal information: I'm 17. Work stacking shelves in a super-market. No previous criminal offenses/anything bad related to vehicles. I need the car to commute to college every day, work and the gym. (Need anything else? .. If so, Ill add details)""

Can a car have two insurance policies but two different drivers?

for instance i have a car and i am insured with my insurance company, can my friend/relative then go and take out another insurance policy from a different company so he can drive, with out having me on his policy. two separate insurance policies for two separate drivers but one car. Thank You for your help""

How much does health care insurance cost in America?

Im planning on moving to America with my 2 children to live with my boyfriend, can anyone tell me how much health insurance costs?""

Where can i get cheap car insurance?

im driving a six years old Saab aero convertible.and on red 'p' and im 26yrs old.i was told i have to pay near $5000 a year .is there any other way to get around it?

Blood test and insurance?

IS THE BLOOD TEST FOR AFP COVERED BY MY INSURANCE?

Where is the cheapest place to get Auto Insurance? In Canada?

New truck - need help.. :D ty

How much will insurance cost for a motorcycle in CA if im 20 years old ?

i wanna get a ninja 250cc as my first bike but read that some people pay like 3k for insurance on a bike. ive only had one speeding ticket with my car about a year or so. Im gonna be 21 in about 6 months if that makes a difference.

""What Costs more, Provisional Insurance or Fully UK licence Insurance?

Every one i talk to Says provisional is more money. But i did some quotes Provisional came to 800 Full Licence came to 2000 This makes no sense as everyone I have spoken to is obviously wrong then. or am i doing something wrong

Enders Nebraska Cheap car insurance quotes zip 69027

Enders Nebraska Cheap car insurance quotes zip 69027

I need a cheap insuance plan?

I am 18 and am needing a liability insurance plan. I live in Houston TX, the cheapest I have found is with Geico for 3 somthing a month, and I think that is INSANE!!!""

What is cheaper in car insurance...?

An old fiat punto or a new fiat punto

Which of the following might put you in the high risk insurance category?

a. ticket for drinking in public b. ticket for speeding 80 in 55 mph zone c. ticket for jaywalking d. 2.0 grade point average...(ofcourse not!!)

How much does car insurance typically cost for a teenager?

My grandpa bought me a car for my 16th birthday. Now, I'm finally going to get license to drive it after it sitting in the garage for nearly 2 years. I was wondering how much the insurance is going to cost me. The car is a 1996 Jeep Grand Cherokee Laredo 4x4 Automatic 4.0 Liter. I don't know what insurance company my grandpa goes through, but I do know that my Jeep is one of 3 cars on the policy. One is an 80s model F-150, and the other is an SUV that is only a few years old. He said that all I'd have to pay is the extra money to add me to the insurance on the jeep. He's currently the only one listed on it. I have exemplary grades.""

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I live in New Jersey, my county is Hudson county. I just bought my car yesterday afternoon my insurance company was closed. I could not call them to add the car on insurance and start driving with my other car insurance. What will happen if I drive with my other car insurance in my new car for a few days? What if cops stop me? Will I get a ticket or something else?""

Im 17 and getting my liscense soon how much will car insurance be 4 me with a used car that will b in my name?

I will be getting my drives liscense soon and my parents are putting limits to where i can drive and when and i wont be able to drive it when ever i would like, how much is car insurence gonna be with me for a used car that will be in my name ?""

How much is insurance for starting a cleaning service in California?

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Okay, so I've had my Chevy taho 1 year, i just canceled my insurance cause I'm about to sell it I'm living in California moving to Colorado so I'm gonna sell my car...I know in cali Seller must smog the car a 2nd time, but am i taking a risk driving it to go get it smoged? also.... i have not driven it cause I planned on selling it so it's also not renewed.... and to make matters worse I lost my tile, positive honest answers please =(""

How much do you pay for car insurance if you're 20?

i need answers for a statistics project. anyone 20 years old please tell me how much of your premium are you paying MONTHLY??

How much Insurance payments?

How much would the average cost of insurance cost me each month if im a 20 year old first time driver with a 2010, honda 15k dollar used car. I understand if its kinda hard to answer but any answer would be nice thanks""

How much money do auto insurance brokers make?

How do they get paid? and how much?

How much will my insurance cost?

Im 18 and wanting to move out this august for college. The apartments im looking to rent is on average about 500 a month for me and im trying to figure out how much a month its going to cost me to live on my own. I have a 2002 Chevy trailblazer which is completely paid off. I dont know what insurrance company my parents have right now but i know for sure its not geico or progressive. I think its like blue shields or something or other. Any help is areciated! Thanks in advance!

Motorcycle Insurance quote?

I'm a femal turning 17 in a month and i really wanted to get a motocycle for my birthday but i wanted to figure out the insurance first and i cant get the quote bcz i dont have my lisence yet so i was wondering if anybody could help me out oh and what the best kind of bike would be.

My car got stolen and i have full cover insurance on it will they give me money for it?

My car got stolen and they find the car and all that was left was the shell of the car. I also have GAP insurance I want to know will the pay off my car and give me money to buy another car.

I need help car insurance?

Im looking to buy a 2010 fusion se right now through Lee auto. For me to do it myself I'd have to pay almost 400 dollars a month for insurance and 360 for The car. Is there any way I can lower my insurance? This is rediculius all I have is 2 speeding tickets and that's it on my driving record. I have no loans no payments or nothing.

Title loans and insurance claims if the car is totaled?

I was just in an automobile accident recently and pretty sure my car is totaled. My question is, if my car is totaled, and my car title is in a title loan right now, do I pursue the insurance company to pay it off or at least to the point so I may recieve the title back?""

If you switch from one auto insurance company to another does it look bad?

I never had insurance before and am getting insurance from one company for a month and then switching. Does that look bad on some kind of record (meaning it will affect my rates in the future?)?

Is car insurance expensive?

I just bought a used bmw 540I for 2400 but I am not sure how much insurance is going to cost. Also my driving record isn't the best since I was in a car accident few years back so I'm hoping I can find a good rate somewhere. Just hope it's not too costly.

How much would it cost me to get a motorbike include CBT and insurance?

I am 18 years old. I am wondering how much would it cost me to have a yamaha R1+CBT+cheap insurance. please help

How much would the insurance be for a Porsche Cayenne Diesel a year?

The insurance would be for a female driver with over 25 years of experience. How much would it cost a year, and also how much would the monthly diesel bill be? Thanks""

Should I pay my employer to get my insurance license in FL?

Should I pay my employer to get my insurance license in FL? I was recently hired at trajan insurance as a financial professional. They want me to pay $580 to get my insurance license before I even start. The company sells insurance and other financial options to consumers. They werent clear on my pay scale either. The office is located in Tampa, Fl.. Does anyone know anything about this? Please help in anyway you can. thank you""

My car was wrecked and the insurance company paid to have it fixed. Now they have found something they missed?

After paying out around 12,000 to fix my car (body damage only, but new car so everything came from factory) we found out there is something else that needs to be fixed and because the car is so new and they don't make parts for it, whole transmission needs to be replaced, even though nothing it actually wrong with it. Now insurance wants to total my car. I have gap coverage and want to know my options if i would like to keep my car and have transmission fixed myself. At first insurance told me they would pay off car, I keep it and get settlement money, then they told me no settlement money, but I would get to keep car with salvage title and it would be paid off, now they are saying they r trying to make sure I can keep it at minimal cost to me . The lien holder says if the insurance pays it off, they (lien holder) will not allow me to keep the car. If the insurance pays for it, isn't it their option to allow me to keep the car or not? What are my options?""

Should you get better car insurance coverage when purchasing a home?

I am currently house shopping and my boss mentioned increasing my car insurance coverage to cover the price of my house in case I get into an accident where the damages are higher than my coverage. Could I be sued for my house if I cause an expensive accident and my insurance doesn't cover it or all of it? Should my car insurance be raised to 150k, and how much can I expect that to cost? I live in California and the legal minimum is 15/30(which is what I currently have), I told my agent I would like to pay no more than 160k for the house, though I was approved for more.. I drive an rsx, it's paid for, and drive roughly 22k miles a year.""

Uninsured Motorcycle Driver Question?

Recently a friend of mine wanted to purchase a motorcycle that he found a super great deal on. Because his credit is very average he asked me to purchase the cycle and he would make me payments plus interest. I agreed and took out a loan for the bike. However a few weeks later he decided it would be ok to take the bike out for a spin UNINSURED. He had a run in with several trick or treaters and their parents. Since it was an unlit road, they were in the middle, and he was going under the speed limit. The cops ruled it not his fault. However now two insurance companies are coming after me to subrogate the liabilities. Since he was the driver but I am the owner. What are my rights? Can they still blame him? Am I liable?""

What is the minimum required age to get an insurance liscense in California.?

To get a license to sell life insurance in the state of California.

Enders Nebraska Cheap car insurance quotes zip 69027

Enders Nebraska Cheap car insurance quotes zip 69027

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/would-owning-honda-civic-coupe-increase-my-car-insurance-burns/"

[iannoyinglysweetstudent-blog]

Driving without insurance?

"Driving without insurance?

hi 5 month ago i drive my friends car, he had full insurance for his car, and i had full insurance for my car, i am new driver one and half years now, police hold me in petrol station , after question , he said i can not drive this car as does not cover me to drive, and my insurance only for my car, they sent me letter after a week to pay 300 and 6 point, i did not accept it, so i found a Solicitors, they told me they will help me i paid 700 pound they sent letter to police they not reply then i had court letter , they sent letter to court as well they not reply to my Solicitors, and my Solicitors told me do not need to go to court they sort it out, now court says 8 point, and 600 plus fee, they not been fair on me is there anyway to contact make a fine less, also my Solicitors asked me for another 300 plus vat if i want them help again like they really did, they made it worse need some advice please

BEST ANSWER:  Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://freecarinsurance.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr 

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Can one not tell the truth when getting a car insurance quote?

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Home Insurance/Replacement Cost of Manufactured Home?

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Will my car insurance go up if the accident is not my fault?

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Cheap Car Insurance for a 17 Year old in the UK?

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Driving without insurance?

hi 5 month ago i drive my friends car, he had full insurance for his car, and i had full insurance for my car, i am new driver one and half years now, police hold me in petrol station , after question , he said i can not drive this car as does not cover me to drive, and my insurance only for my car, they sent me letter after a week to pay 300 and 6 point, i did not accept it, so i found a Solicitors, they told me they will help me i paid 700 pound they sent letter to police they not reply then i had court letter , they sent letter to court as well they not reply to my Solicitors, and my Solicitors told me do not need to go to court they sort it out, now court says 8 point, and 600 plus fee, they not been fair on me is there anyway to contact make a fine less, also my Solicitors asked me for another 300 plus vat if i want them help again like they really did, they made it worse need some advice please

Car insurance without a license? Help?

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Car Insurance for a 2004 Mustang?

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I need affordable med. insurance for my children. How do I find the best deal?

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Insurance RSX vs S2000?

Hi there, my dad is planning to buy me a car by the latest the last week of March. I asked him for an RSX simply because I like the reliability of a civic, but i feel that a civic is under powered. So I'm opting for an RSX. No, i will not be getting the type S because I know insurance rapes you for it. Well my dad said he'd rather buy me an S2000. I think it's cause he wants to drive it around so my mom doesn't have to nag at him for buying a sports car. I was wondering how the RSX BASE model will compare to the S2000? I know the Type S RSX's insurance is much higher than the S2000. I was wondering how about the Base model? My dad will be helping me with gas and insurance up until I graduate which will be in a few months. So I just want to start being smart about everything. Please help!""

Does an expired MOT invalidate insurance when making a claim for my car stolen from a private driveway?

I had no idea that my mot had ran out, when my car was stolen from a private driveway (not on public road) My insurance say i was in breach of the policy. But where do i stand legally with the car being off road when stolen? The insurance quoted no payout if there's no mot when one is required by law! Is there a loophole i can use""

Volvo S60 insurance for 20 year old new driver? UK?

I am looking to insure a Volvo s60, I'm a new driver and 20. I understand this car has a large engine at 2.5 litre diesel. However it is not deemed a racing car and it has many things positive - It's a very large and safe car (much safer than your Clio, Corsa or Saxo), It isn't a racer's dream, it's big in all ways - And is viewed as a family vehicle. It's robust, chunky and it's a car I would feel very safe in and it would be driven sensibly. Would they insure me and for how much? (UK answers please, thanks)""

Bad Faith Auto Insurance?

Should I hire an attorney for this?, I purchased a policy online a few months ago within the first few days that i had this insurance I had a storm and damaged my vehicle (minor) with hail damaged I submitted out a claim, appraiser was sent they covered the loss sent a check to me, now i take it to the bodyshop and try to have it fixed but they need a supplement, they contact insurance co. but insurance co, makes many excuses over this they state I dont have full coverage which I do, and it was verfied with them that i do, the next few weeks pass and then I finally get a call from a manager at the insurance company stating that they mistakenly sent me out a check because I made a false claim report, they said that they can tell by my pictures before policy was bought that vehicle had damaged (which is an excuse of denying supplement) and stated the the adjuster overlooked everything point here is that insurance co, cancelled my policy by stating underwriting issues, so now Im without insurance coverage, the manager also stated she reported this to the texas state but mentioned she could not put a stop payment on the check and that I could still use it to fix the car or cashout the check... I am really dissapointed at how all this was handelled, Im thinking about getting an attorney, I already discussed and this issue with the Insurance company and Im basicly told that I lied about the claim and they end my call... Should I wait to get an attorney or should I just get one and go from there? I believe this is bad faith insurance coverage, What should I do? I mean I still have the check it is not cashed out, I cant really do much with this check everyone charges an arm and a leg, can they file insurance fraud charges and if so even though I know I did everything right should I get an attorney?""

Cheap auto insurance in Alberta?

I just got my first car and I am looking for auto insurance for the first time. Which companies offer the best rates? My car is 1988 mazda, how much does the insurance usually cost for my situation per month?""

How much cheaper is bike insurance (if at all) than car insurance?

i am 18 and am torn between the two, i will go for the cheapest option. as none of my parents can drive i cant be put on one of there policies :( so id have to start from scratch. if i am to insure a bike im lookin at insurance for a bike of 125 cc.""

How much would insurance be on this car for a 17 year old?

Photo: http://i.imgur.com/oBPkdUi.jpg

Driving without insurance?

hi 5 month ago i drive my friends car, he had full insurance for his car, and i had full insurance for my car, i am new driver one and half years now, police hold me in petrol station , after question , he said i can not drive this car as does not cover me to drive, and my insurance only for my car, they sent me letter after a week to pay 300 and 6 point, i did not accept it, so i found a Solicitors, they told me they will help me i paid 700 pound they sent letter to police they not reply then i had court letter , they sent letter to court as well they not reply to my Solicitors, and my Solicitors told me do not need to go to court they sort it out, now court says 8 point, and 600 plus fee, they not been fair on me is there anyway to contact make a fine less, also my Solicitors asked me for another 300 plus vat if i want them help again like they really did, they made it worse need some advice please

Hemi engine insurance?????

will the fact that i am considering a dodge ram 1500 with a hemi make a difference in the insurance cost if there wasnt a hemi engine under the hood, the truck is a 4wd dodge 1500 slt with the big engine, i am currently in a v6 4wd 2000 ford explorer, how much will the rates change???""

Health & dental insurance?

I'm 20 years old and I am in bad need of insurance. I really need dental insurance because I need a root canal and when I turned 18 and could no longer be on my mother's insurance I had no choice but to not get the root canal. And I desperately need it done. Where can I go to find quality but affordable health & dental insurance for my age? I live in Alabama.

Friends borrowing car - how do i insure them without using my car insurance?

I want to make sure they're insured to drive my car but really don't want them to claim on my policy should anything go wrong - is it possible to just get temporary car insurance to cover them separately from my insurance?

How much would insurance be for a 2006 Mercedes Benz 230c?

How much would insurance be for a 2006 Mercedes Benz 230c?

Does it cost anymore to be named on someone else's insurance policycy?

Does it cost anymore to be named on someone else's insurance policycy?

How should i select PIP in car insurance...?

Hi.. I am going to take a car insurance and i am not very much clear about PIP. what is the best option to take as there are 4 PIP options given to me I have a health insurance that covers me till 80 % of the expenses. So if i take PIP option in my car insurance will it cover me the rest of the 20 %? will both the insurances work together? Please let me know. Thanks

I am going to drive in a few years can somebody list some cars that are sporty but low on insurance?

please add if you can the insurance rates and the car name thanks!!

Buying a used car and purchasing a car insurance in Tucson?

Hi. Im going to study in tucson for the next 2 years as an international student. I want to buy a car, and I am looking for a place that would be known to sell used cars at a fair price (I am not looking for something more than 7-8000). It would also be nice it those car would come with a warranty. Do you know good places for that? Also if you can advice me with car insurance that would be nice. Thank you a lot!""

Do i have to register my car under my moms name for it to be cheaper?

I just bought this car and I'm 18 years old I want to have cheaper insurance so I'm putting the insurance under my moms name but would I have to register it under her to too in oder for it to be cheap? Or can I register it under my name and still have it be less money

What insurance companies do cheap van insurance for young first time drivers?

I'm 18 and have a 1.3 Vauxhall combo

Car insurance help?!?!?

Im 16 I own a 1991 Mercedes Benz 300se. About 180,000 miles how much would insurance be for me monthly/annually?""

Should I continue to pay my car insurance?

I've been paying car insurance for a car that has been with a mechanic for the past 7 months. In order to get my car back I have to pay $900.00 USD. Should I cancel my car ...show more

How much would a 2010 mustang cost to insure under your parents insurance and if you are the primary driver?

My dad is going to finance it so we will split up the pay I woyld pay for the car monthly which I can afford and my dad pays insurance monthly

What happens when fail to pay Car Insurance premium? Details Inside.?

Hello Friends, I know that failure to pay car insurance will lead to termination. What I basically want is to cancel the insurance, because I plan not to drive that car for few months to save on Insurance premium. My first question is do they allow termination for such reasons? and in case they don't allow that what would happen if I simply stop paying premium? But remember that I plan not to drive it for few months, so why I need insurance after all. What is the immediate consequence and what is the effect when I would like to drive that car again and want an insurance then? If it is of any relevance, my car is of New York. Please answer me. Thank you""

What would be considered as a franchise of Allstate ? ?

Would it be the actual insurance agent ?

I need a good answer for insurance on this car for a year?

im 16 a guy and i want a 2000 audi tt how much would you say insurance costs on this car for 1 year also i have never been in a wreck never gotten a ticket and never killed someone in a car so help ou please

What is the cheapest car insurance in Florida?

I wand to know what is the cheapest car insurance in tampa FL this is my first car insurance and i am 23 what is the avrage for people in my same age pay for thier insuranse and i have a clean record the car will be Acura 2.2 CL 1997 2doors

Commercial Vehicle Insurance in the UK?

A business starts a delivery service and employs several drivers. Now each driver has their own personal insurance policy, but this will not cover them for business purposes. What would be the options for the business owner? Would the business buy a policy to cover the employees and their individual vehicles? or would they have to buy a vehicle solely for business purposes for the drivers to use? In addition, what companies are there that offer such commercial vehicle insurance for delivering purposes and what would be a ballpark figure for such a policy? extra credit for in depth answers. Thank you!!""

Car Insurance question?

I was parked, and the garbage men were backing in to pick up my garbage, and hit my car. Any suggestion as to what I need to do first? I had thought about calling my car insurance company, but I don't know if they will cover it, since it wasn't really my fault.""

Insurance&&Permitt???

Do you have to have insurance when you have your permitt. All i have is my permitt,and my grandma is worried about getting me insurance. Her insurance covers 65 and above. But my cousin didnt get insurance until she was 16 she thought that you didnt hafta have insurance until you got your license?""

Does a car absolutely need insurance and plates?

I'm going away to college so I will not be using my car for while. My mom wants to sell it, but I know if she does I may never get a replacement. She says that it needs insurance and a new sticker and if she doesn't get them it ruins her record or something like that, but if the car is not going to be moved at all does it really need that?""

What does insurance loss mean?

I am doing a project on insurance loss ratings, but I do not know what they mean. If I said a Grand Vitara SUV had an insurance loss rating of 119, what would that mean from the point of view of the insurance company?""

Dog life and health Insurance?

In June I got my first dog ever, he's part Yorkie and Chiuua. He's 4 months old and I'm wrecking my brain looking for resonable insurance for him, can someone please help me, I am on a budget, however, I have health and life insurance for myself and granddaughter, my new baby should be covered as well. But I don't have a clue and I don't want to get ripped off either. Thanks""

Health Insurance for kids?

I have health insurance through my employer, I have a baby due in July and I have looked into adding her as a dependent but it is way to costly. It jumps from 88.00 a month for Keystone Health Plan East to 400 a month if I add her. Can anyone recommend any health insurance companies that will just cover her by herself. Iam not interested in CHIP or Keystone Mercy or any other state facilitaited health insurance. Thanks for the help.""

Insurance wise is a 89 firebird a sports car?

Does geico consider a 89 firebird a sports car?

Driving without insurance?

hi 5 month ago i drive my friends car, he had full insurance for his car, and i had full insurance for my car, i am new driver one and half years now, police hold me in petrol station , after question , he said i can not drive this car as does not cover me to drive, and my insurance only for my car, they sent me letter after a week to pay 300 and 6 point, i did not accept it, so i found a Solicitors, they told me they will help me i paid 700 pound they sent letter to police they not reply then i had court letter , they sent letter to court as well they not reply to my Solicitors, and my Solicitors told me do not need to go to court they sort it out, now court says 8 point, and 600 plus fee, they not been fair on me is there anyway to contact make a fine less, also my Solicitors asked me for another 300 plus vat if i want them help again like they really did, they made it worse need some advice please

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