#(but all the negativity getting thrown around makes me feel sick tbh) | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

porcelainchurch · 2 years

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i'll just do this all at once bc i'm bored😋 tw for mention numbers below !

1: i'm not sure of of my weight rn bc i don't have a scale but around 43kg/~95lbs i think

2: i'm 164.5cm/5"4 and i think it's a p cute height !! i wouldn't mind being a little taller tho

3: -

4: the only fear i rly have is of losing my hair but i've kinda gotten used to it :,)

5: i mean i wanna lose weight bc i'm sick ?? i'm not doing it 'for me' it's a fucking disorder lol but i just wanna feel in control of something (my body and food), make my headspace visible on my body, numb myself, and to chase a weird image of perfection in my mind etc +i feel like it's the only thing i know and am good for

6: i def do binge sometimes, the amounts vary a lot but usually it's when i've been starving myself for a long time and it feels like my brain switches off and my body takes over and it's really hard to restrain when it feels like i'm legit about to drop dead

7: i guess they know? they definetely care too but sometimes i feel like they just totally forget all about it and it rly hurts lol

8: don't have one but i wanna try oneee

9: not really unless you count worry as negative which i definetely did even though it felr rly validating

10: realising i've thrown away countless opportunities in life and sacrificed my potential to be a person kinda stings sometimes also my loved ones' trust&peace of mind

11: -

12: food🤤

13: totally super fucking healthy✨👏❣️

14: 35kg/77lbs but tbh i don't think i'd stop there and that kinda excites me in a weird way idk i think i'd just feel so invincible and like i could do anything so i'd keep going and going til it just Feels right ig

15: yeah vegetarian lol and idk, i just don't rly like meat in general

16: i was 14 when i actually started losing weight, i didn't even wanna be skinny i just wanted to get out of my skin and found comfort in not eating

17: i'm diagnosed with atypical an😍i fill all the criteria effortlessly except losing my period ! which sucks bc it actually was absent for a few months at one point too and they've been fucked up ever since,,, ik it's just a diagnosis bleh it fucking stings tho !

18: carrot cake<3 and occasionally toast

19: i honestly can't recall, it's never rly been a thing with my family

20: 😐

21: so i checked and apparently i'm us size 0/xxs, eu size 30 and international size xs

22: my lowest was 37kg/81lbs and i gained weight bc i was lowkey forced into recovery which obv didn't last

23: not really, at least not that i recognise

24: it irks me but i also get that in some instances it translates to pro-acceptance which is obviously fine but anyone encouraging ed's (to others) can go step on a nasty pile of legos tbh

25: i used to be addicted to thr0w!ng up, i completely blocked it out of my memory til i randomly remembered last year that at one point i would puk3 every single day at school even if i hadn't eaten anything prior ?? ever since stopping that awful (and also kinda useless) ritual my purg!ng has been very irrelugar and impulsive

26: feeling validated i guess, like Hey brain look, i did it ! i'm sick !

27: i wanna try my best to avoid ever giving any tips so i'll skip this one :<

28: i have a thigh gap (though it just Needs to be wider) and i'd rather d!e than lose it, my thighs are the last place where i lose weight and if i've conquered that then i've conquered pretty much everything

29: beauty is far too intricate a concept for me to define but it definetely isn't equal or limited to thinness

bodies aren't supposed to be beautiful, they're sculptures of stardust that simply exist just to carry us on this earth and when they're doing just that and nourished, in their natural state, i find it breathtakingly beautiful

30: ten facts about me lets gooo

idk

i'm constantly tired

i can't do math for the life of me ....

i get attached to people really quickly (both romantically and platonically)

i write poetry slayy

i'm very prone to addiction n i'm a smoker

i have severe attachment issues

i can't cook for shit<//3

my knees r crooked (like my kneecaps r positioned inwards) and i have no idea why or if they've even always been like that ???

my antidepressants aren't working ! yayy !

slayy im tired sry these r lame

#mai's diary 2022 ୨♡୧

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crownshattered-a · 3 years

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|| why do I even come into the dash...

#(I have absolutely no opinion on that ship)#(neither of them are my muses and I couldn’t care less)#(I personally don’t ship it but I really don’t care if you do or don’t)#(but all the negativity getting thrown around makes me feel sick tbh)#(just pls enough with the ship hate.....really this is one reason why I stopped rping on Twitter)#mobile tbt #tw: negative

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nightowlfandom · 3 years

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Yandere! Jeon Jungkook- You’re My Prey

Why Hello there! ANON ASKS

Greetings! I hope all is well with you! Could I please request a smutty angsty predator Jungkook x Prey Reader with sprinkle fluff at the end? like jk is the readers bully and realizes that he likes her but she avoids him like covid lmao. so he protects her from someone or something and she starts to trust him? oml that sounds like a lot🤣🤣 U are an amazing writer!!

BRUH YOU HAD ME AT ‘AVOIDS HIM LIKE COVID LOL’

Sooooo I didn’t touch on the smut part, and I’m very sorry! Tbh I was a bit overwhelmed writing this one and I kept getting stressed because I hated every draft I made before the final draft.

So this contains a bit of sensitive material, proceed with caution

CHECK OUT MY MASTERLIST HERE!

Leggo!

...

You sat in front of the vanity as your mom styled your hair. She hummed as he took your strands in her hands.

“I saw this style in an issue of Vogue...I know you’ll love it.” she commented.

Tonight was perhaps the biggest event of your mom’s career. She has been a avid participant in the entertainment industry for years and she was invited to some crazy event with her celebrity friends and wanted you to come as her plus one. People knew she had a daughter, but they had never really seen you before. You stayed out of the spotlight when you could.

Except for tonight. Your mom had stared as the lead in a huge show, and a party was being thrown to celebrate it’s popularity and final episode. You were honored but nervous.

“Look at you!” she winked at you in the mirror. “Come on, we’re running fashionably early.” she ushered you out the chair.

...

Ugh, how much longer was this gonna last. Your feet were killing you! Your mom seemed to be having the time of her life though. She was drinking and dancing and carrying on as if she was a young college student.

“She seems to be having fun.” a voice said from behind you.

“Don’t get any ideas. That’s my mother.” you seethed. You were protective of your mom, going as far as to curse out anyone who set their sights on her whether it was positive or negative. While people didn’t know you as a celebrity, they knew you as the one who knocked the living daylights out of an ex idol who tried to touch your mother’s ass on a variety show backstage.

“Don’t worry, pet. I wouldn’t dream of it.”

Once you recognized the voice, you froze. Of course he would be here! You slowly turned around, seeing Jungkook standing there with a sick smile on his face. “Missed me?”

“No!” you said a little to swiftly. You should have asked if anyone you knew was gonna be there. You felt like an idiot. Jungkook literally sang half the soundtrack for her show, of course he’d be here!

“Oh how rude.” he cooed. “I thought you’d be happy to see me.” he shrugged.

“You though wrong.” you looked him up and down. “I swear it’s like you’re following me sometimes.”

“You could say that...but just know I’ll always be there for you...watching.”

“J-just stay away from me!”

To say he had some sort of infatuation with you as an understatement. Everywhere you went, he somehow turned up. It was like he could smell you from miles away.

“Dear Y/N, don’t make a scene.” he stepped forward just so he could whisper in your ear. “Wouldn’t want to cause a disturbance.” you could feel the smirk on his face and all you wanted to do was slap it right off.

“Stay back.” you stepped away. “Leave me alone.” you pointed warningly. You attempted to walk away, only to feel him grab your hand.

Tingles shot up your spine as you touched. You shuddered, his skin was hot. You took one look at Jungkook. He seemed to be in a trance, he was staring at your hand, following it up your arm, passing over you shoulder and up your neck to stare at your face.

When you finally came to your senses, you yanked your arm back. “Don’t touch me.”

“Okay alright.” he rolled his eyes, seemingly going back to normal as well. “Just don’t get into any trouble, pet.” he scoffed. “By the way, you look good in that dress.” he drank you in. You felt exposed, very exposed. You could almost feel a draft. You glared at his back as he stalked off. That’s how it was, Jungkook was nothing more than an arrogant tease that made you wanna strangle somebody.

“Alright, I’m done.” you groaned, holding your head. You looked for your mom in the crowd. She was busy laughing with a whole bunch of her friends. You didn’t wanna leave without telling her. You’d just leave her a message.

From across the room, Jungkook watched you leave. He hated to see you leave, but watching you walk away was so gratifying. He knew you didn’t really hate it. In fact, it was amusing to watch you lie to yourself. You were lying about not wanting him, about hating him.

He knew you were lying because he would feel if you hated him. Just like he could feel the want dripping off your body. You were simply lying to yourself.

... (A few days later)

Your mom had left for another show, which left you home alone for a while. She would be filming in Japan, which meant you would have the house all to yourself. That meant you were left to your own devices when it came to fending for yourself. You hated calling your mothers assistant, he had his own family and your mom to worry about. You could handle going to the convenience store by yourself.

“Thank you for shopping with us!” the cashier waved you off as you left the store. You threw your trash in the nearby bin and began walking back. It was cold out, which prompted you to hug yourself.

What you didn’t know, is that you were being followed.

You were walking on the empty street. It was late and all the major shops had closed for the night. Your only source of light were the dimly lit tiny restaurants that were still open, and street lights that flickered as you passed.

You kept walking, ignoring that feeling in your stomach that told you you were in trouble. You just had to speed up, it was like something in you was screaming at you. A few seconds passed and you couldn’t help but turn around.

A man was standing a few feet behind you. It was way too dark to see.

“Wha-...” you began walking away, praying it was just a coincidence. You turned a corner, he followed. You turned another corner, he followed.

You were now certain he was following. You couldn’t help cut cut through the street to get to the other side, but he followed then and there. You couldn’t help but begin to run, now scared out of your mind.

You turned behind you one more time to see him speed-walking. In your haste you didn’t see Jungkook walking out of an alleyways. You rammed into him, only to scream bloody murder.

“Y/N?” Jungkook grabbed your shoulders. You were practically crying. This was the first time you were actually happy to see Jungkook of all people. “Babe, what’s wrong?”

“Someone’s following me!” you pointed down the street. Jungkook took one look in the direction where you were pointing.

You were way too scared to see his gaze harden into a glare. His blood practically boiled.

“Stay here.” he grunted, storming in the direction towards the man. “Hey buddy!” he barked, strutting over.

Jungkook glared in the direction of the sorry idiot who dared try and apprehend his catch.

...

Jungkook took you back to his place, your home would be empty for the night and you didn’t wanna be alone in that moment. You sat on the sofa, hugging yourself.

If he hadn’t been there, something bad would have happened, you knew that much. It was the first time you were grateful.

Jungkook had to gather himself. Rage shot through his body in his attempt to protect you. His senses were still in overdrive and he was sure he looked crazy. He watched you as you got comfortable, still hugging yourself.

“T-thank you.” you said for maybe the third time that night.

“Y/N. You really don’t have to thank me.” he laughed. “I told you I’d be there for you every minute, or every day.” He walked over and sat down next to you.

You finally studied his face. His smile that never reached his eyes looked very different now than it ever did. His eyes were dark with something you couldn’t really read.

“Even after I’ve been so horrible to you?”

“You may think of it that way, but I don’t.”

“How do you think of it?” you tilted your head to the side. You were genuinely interested in how Jungkook perceived your declaration of hatred towards him.

“You shouldn’t make that face.” he giggled, glossing over the subject. “I might have to ruin your innocence.”

“Ruin my-” you trailed off. It was only then you realized how close he was. Jungkook towered over you, so it was easy for his body to cast a shadow over yours. “You’re really close.” you mumbled.

“Hm, isn’t that the point?” he winked. “Your skin is so soft.”

To Jungkook’s delight, you didn’t pull away when his lips ghosted over yours. You shuddered at the mere tickle of his touch. It was like a batch of pheromones had gone out into the air because all you wanted in that moment was him. In some way or another. However it surprised him when you were the one to go for it, pressing your lips gently against his.

A low growl ripped through his throat as he rested his hand on the side of your neck. He returned you affections just as quickly as you gave it.

You tasted better than he thought. Your innocence was like a drug. It was heavy. He hummed with delight as you reached your hands up to run through his hair. He was happy, you didn’t know it in that moment, but you were accepting it. Your fate as his. After tonight it would be set in stone.

As you pulled away from Jungkook, you inhaled sharply. “W-woah.”

“Surprised, babe?” he began crawling over you, sending you back against the plush surface. “I knew you’d fall for me sooner or later.”

You were too consumed by the sight of him above you. The lights casted a halo over him. He almost looked like an angel. “I could eat you up right now Y/N.” he whispered. “Your soul is exposed to me right now.”

He drew his tongue down your neck. Leaving opened mouth kisses along your skin. You were warmed up in an instant despite being cold moments earlier. You practically squeezed your legs together in an effort to ease what you were feeling, but Jungkook was no fool.

Finally he’d get what he’d been yearning for. After so long.

...

It was the dead of night when you woke up. Your naked body was flush against Jungkook’ in what you assumed was his bed. Jungkook was practically atop you, laying his head on your chest. You tried to shimmy out of his grip and when you successfully did, you sat up.

Aches and pains shot through your body as flashbacks of moments before flooded your body. You could hear his shallow breaths in your ear telling you how much he adored you. Every bite and scratch he had left burned, but in a good way.

Words couldn’t describe how it felt enough.

“You weren’t thinking of leaving me, were you?” You looked down at Jungkook who tiredly wiped his eyes. “Fuck.” He glossed over your naked body. You were practically marked from head to toe.

“No.” you replied. “My arm was falling asleep because you were laying on me.” you replied, laughing dryly. He sat up himself, only to trail his fingertips up your arm. He shifted behind you and began placing kisses along your shoulder. He wrapped his arms around you and practically pulled you back down onto the bed with him.

...

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zhansww · 3 years

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I’ve been wondering how exactly the misunderstanding of my last rambling post came to be and I think it’s cuz of one of two things; cuz I didn’t make it clear what I consider the word “queer” to mean or cuz I didn’t make it clear that the post itself was my own, subjective opinion. I’m not sure how consistent I’ve been with tagging it but I kinda differentiate between (what I think are) rational opinions I have vs emotional ones. The latter ones are obviously subjective and should not be taken as me, lecturing anyone or implying that everyone should feel the same. You either share the same sentiment or you don’t, there’s nothing wrong with it either way. And if my words in those posts seem hostile/condescending, it’s cuz I don’t feel the need to censor any of my subjective views/feelings. What I do think is important and what I try to pay attention to is not to let the negative emotions that certain things evoke in me control my actions. When I see something that I disapprove of in any way, I don’t hijack that post or report it. If my emotional reaction is particular strong, I’ll vent about it in my own post, not theirs. I considered this to be the decent thing to do but I’ve been told by at least one kind, respectful and open-minded person that I am actively making people’s lives worse with those posts, that my words are violent and that my behavior is that of an “unhinged monster” (the irony here is not lost on me). So I’ve been reflecting and I think the next time I feel a particular strong, negative emotion that makes me want to vent, I’ll put a disclaimer beforehand. And now, let me just actually clarify what my point was of that post. I believe that yz is real so I obviously do not assume they are straight. If they are indeed together, then they are queer - i.e. not straight - but that’s literally it. I have no theories or thoughts about what their specific orientation might be and I won’t ever speculate about that either. I wouldn’t mind knowing but unfortunately, they can’t be openly together right now but when they someday are, they’ll hopefully also feel safe and loved enough to share something like that with us. I know for a fact that figuring out your sexuality is a confusing and intimate process which is why I am opposed to speculating about it. I consider it to be too intrusive. But again; that is my subjective opinion based on my own experiences. I do not expect everyone to share this sentiment. One person said that I should expect such speculation and that might be true, maybe I should expect it but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. Seeing certain bxg get mad at solos for assuming yz are straight but then turn around and assume they are [insert any specific sexuality except het] is hypocritical and disappointing in my opinion. I think it’s perfectly fine to have such emotional opinions as long as you don’t let those emotions cloud your judgement and lead to you, reacting in a way that is unreasonable and possibly harmful. I also think that everyone should be willing to have their rational opinions questioned but when it comes to an emotional opinion, it doesn’t have to make sense and it’s probably not gonna change either. To give another example; I hk disapprove of yz r/p/f. And that’s not me, saying it is inherently wrong and that no one should do it. In fact, you could try to make a case about how I should like it and approve of it but it wouldn’t make me change my mind precisely because this opinion is not based on logic but just on emotion. And again, as long my emotional reaction to something doesn’t lead to unreasonable actions, then the emotion itself is alright to have. And like I already said, I thought it was okay to vent those emotions in my safe space but apparently, it isn’t. No one should take those posts personally or like I’m talking to them or lecturing them. I thought that this was all obvious but since I got told otherwise, I will be more concise from now on.

You know, when someone starts a “discussion” by insulting you (implicitly or not), that’s usually a clear sign that they’re not even trying to understand you. I’ve seen at least one person reblog the reblogs and seemingly take some kind of vicious pleasure in seeing someone else sh-t on me. Something like that leads me to think that they already had a negative impression of me to begin with which is why their minds gladly misunderstood me and jumped to the worst possible conclusion. They also all seemed to either ignore my explanations or seemed intent on misunderstanding me, no matter what. To be clear, I don’t blame them entirely for it because I could have expressed my point better but for them to immediately think their misunderstanding is the right one - instead of asking me to explain myself perhaps - is also wrong. Mind you, I don’t expect those people to see or care about this post. The main reason I’m trying to clarify myself is for myself. I said I’ll try to be more concise in expressing my views (regardless of whether it’s a subjective one or not) from now on and I thought I should let this be the start of that. There was one reply in particular that ... affected me a lot harder than I thought anything could. I think it’s cuz my depression already makes me feel like I’m a waste of space 24/7. One thing I take comfort in, though, is the fact that, at the very least, the only one who’s hurting because of it is me, no one else. At least I don’t hurt others. But I got told otherwise. I got called an unhinged monster. The unhinged part is true but also being a monster... it made me feel like I’m less than a waste of space. Like, let’s say if normal people always feel like a 1, I always feel like a 0. Getting insulted like that made me feel like a -1. Instead of feeling like a read newspaper, that’s just waiting to get thrown in the trash, that insult made me feel like I’m the asbestos in the house, something that is actively harmful and you need to get rid of. Does that make sense? Anyway... I engaged in “discussions” despite my better judgement and now, I have to pay the price for it so I also decided that I won’t do that again. Hopefully, there won’t even be any more misunderstandings but if there are and someone hijacks my posts and insults and/or willfully misunderstands me, I will just block them. For my own sanity. And for the record, if there’s something in this or any of my subjective/emotional posts that can be misunderstood, that I didn’t make clear enough; please feel free to ask me about it. Please don’t immediately think the worst of me. And when it comes to my more objective/rational opinions, I am always open for discussions as long as we can remain respectful throughout.

I would also like to express my gratitude to anyone who reached out. I’m not sure if the damage can be undone to be honest (it doesn’t feel like it right now) but anyone who offered words of advice, understanding, support or kindness helped soften it. I cannot express how grateful and appreciative I am for it all, any replies or private messages. You helped make me feel less shitty and I thank you so so much. I’m definitely gonna save all the mental health advice cuz I really did not know how to deal with that overwhelming desire to... stop existing in that moment and I want to keep it in mind if (or when) I get affected this badly by something again. I intend to also reply to the messages privately ofc but for now, please accept all of my love and gratitude~

I’m gonna put the rest - which is more personal - under a cut and also tw cuz I’ll elaborate on my mental health/depression. This isn’t exactly something I want to share tbh but I think I shouldn’t shy away from it either. And I feel like I need to explain myself, just for anyone who cares to know.

—

If you compare life to walking on a path, then I at some point - I don’t even remember when - stopped walking and starting digging a hole for myself. It musta been years ago. Right now, that hole is so deep that I have no idea how to get out of it on my own, much less how to move forward. I think I always knew that there must be something wrong with me mentally. This isn’t something that is being talked about in my family, though, so I never extensively thought about it. Not until earlier this year, when my sister told me that she thinks I’m sick and I should see a therapist. My immediate reaction was to reject the idea but I really couldn’t do that for long. As of right now, I have been tentatively diagnosed (not sure if that’s what you call it in English) with depression but I haven’t actually found a permanent therapist and therefore also not started therapy yet. I have no idea what exactly is wrong with me and this not-knowing makes it somehow worse. I haven’t been properly functioning for the past two days - ever since I got called unhinged monster - cuz those words are burned into my brain by now and keep repeating themselves. It feels like my mind was given another weapon to slowly k-ll me with. It keeps reminding me that that’s what I am and then I start trembling and my breathing gets weird and it’s harder than usual for me to distract myself. And this is all so overwhelming for me, I have truly no idea how to deal with any of it. I don’t even know if I named it right, if it really is called a “depressive episode”. I’m hoping I’ll get to find out what exactly is wrong with me and how I can cope with it once I find a therapist. My lack of knowledge regarding what I myself am going through makes it all very confusing and difficult. Another reason why I kind of organized my thoughts and wrote them all down here is cuz I hope it will help me somehow, make my mind stop letting those really bad thoughts in. But in that moment when I felt especially f-cked up, any words of advice or kindness helped. I hope everyone who reached out knows that. Just... thank you. So damn much.

#long post #personal #about me #depression tw #text

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sambergscott · 4 years

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i'd wait forever and a day for you

summary: post-trying // jake is on an undercover mission and amy thinks she’s pregnant.

(you should read this just for the last line tbh)

Her period is late.

At first, she attributes it to stress. Jake is on a major undercover operation and while she is an incredibly proud, supportive wife, she knows how dangerous the situation is. He’s a great cop -- one of New York’s finest, in both senses of the word (...he’s hot) -- and he was so excited about getting this assignment. And she’s excited for him -- really, she is. But with updates filtering through to Captain Holt at a snail’s pace, it’s impossible not to worry about him, where he is, what he’s doing, whether he’s safe. Her cycle was shot to hell when he was in Witness Protection in Florida and it is entirely possible that history is repeating itself.

Four days pass, Jake is still undercover and her period still has not arrived. She tries to blame Hitchcock’s God-awful Zika cologne disrupting her cycle again until she remembers that both Hitchcock and Scully have been off work all week with food poisoning. She even Googles why is my period late?, quickly closing the tab and deleting her browser history when the first result that pops up is pregnancy.

There’s no way she’s pregnant. She refuses to even consider it for a second.

Despite her absolute certainty that her uterus is as empty as it’s always been, when Rosa invites her for drinks with her new boyfriend, Amy opts for a non-alcoholic beer.

“I’m driving,” she explains at Rosa’s raised eyebrows and swiftly changes the conversation. She finds out that Rosa’s boyfriend is a mechanic and they hit it off when she took her motorbike in for repair. She talks about Jake, about how he’s her favourite person in the entire world and how much she misses him (A Lot). He asks her what it’s like dating a cop and how to deal with the person you love putting themselves in danger every single day, which makes Rosa blush. Amy has never seen her blush before.

“It’s difficult,” she says truthfully. She hates seeing her husband hurting and being thrown in prison for crimes he didn’t commit and having guns pointed at his head. It’s why she instated the short-lived ‘no dating cops’ rule, before Jake kissed her and she decided screw it. “But it’s worth it. When you really love them, it’s worth the pain. Every second.”

“That’s what I thought,” he responds, looking at Rosa the way Jake looks at Amy.

She finishes her drink (which is so not as good as its alcoholic counterpart) and gathers her coat and purse. “I’ll leave you two lovebirds to it. See you Monday,” she directs at Rosa and “it was nice to meet you” at her boyfriend, who she has a feeling might be sticking around for a while.

She opens up her Messages app and types out a full paragraph to Jake about how she met Rosa’s boyfriend before him and how he’s really nice and makes her blush! Rosa Disz!!! Blushing!!! She adds a gif of Jonathan Van Ness saying “can you believe?” and is about to click send when she realises his phone is on his nightstand where he left it before his mission and puts her phone back in her pocket in dismay.

Once home, she gets changed into one of his NYPD t-shirts and climbs straight into bed, crying herself to sleep.

She wakes up bright and early the next morning, a feat that is made significantly easier when there is no super cute husband to snuggle with. She showers, pulls on leggings and one of his plaid shirts and gets started on her Sunday Chores. Dancing around the apartment and pretending the mop is a microphone stand is a lot less fun on her own and she overcompensates, making herself dizzy and throwing up in the toilet she just cleaned.

Without thinking, she finds herself at the bodega on the corner, staring at the selection of pregnancy tests. She grabs three of the safest looking ones and bites her lip when the guy congratulates her as she pays. She’s wasted hundreds of dollars on pregnancy tests thus far and she knows she’s definitely wasting money on these ones too. She doesn’t need congratulating for making poor financial decisions and being bad at making babies, but she thanks him anyway.

Back at the apartment, she dumps the paper bag on the kitchen counter to deal with later. She makes a cup of tea, calls her mom and fills in The Times crossword. The paper bag screams out to her the entire time.

Reluctantly, she removes the boxes from the bag, fully intending to put them away in the back of the bathroom cabinet, out of sight.

A niggling voice tells her to just open one and find out.

She has the box open and the test in her hand when her phone buzzes with a text from Holt informing her that Jake is safe and the mission is going well.

She drops the test like it burnt her skin.

Jake. She can’t do this without him. If she is pregnant, she’d never forgive herself for finding out without him, for stripping him of that moment they’d been dreaming of forever.

She’s waited this long, she can wait a few more days. And she’s probably not pregnant anyway.

She ends up waiting two more weeks.

It’s torture.

She’s throwing up almost daily, crying in the break room for no apparent reason and her damn period has still not come. All symptoms which could be explained away by a lack of Jake Peralta and stress (due to missing the aforementioned Jake Peralta).

Rosa corners her in the ladies bathroom and asks if she wants her to run out for more pregnancy tests.

“I already have some at home.”

“And?” She prompts. “Did you take them? Are you pregnant?”

“I don’t know.” She tries to play it off as no big deal, but Rosa knows her pretty well these days.

“You’ve been trying for nearly a year, there’s a chance you are finally pregnant and you haven’t taken a test?”

“I can’t -- I want to -- Jake --.”

“Oh,” it dawns on her.

“Yeah,” Amy sighs. “I’ve been staring at the tests every night but I just can’t. Not without him. He’d be devastated.”

“He would not be devastated if you were pregnant, Amy Santiago.”

“You know what I mean. He’d want to be have been there. I want him to be there.”

“I guess he needs to hurry the hell up and catch the bad guys then.”

He must have heard her because, hours later, the elevator door opens and there he is, exhausted and still in his weird undercover clothes, with the biggest smile on his face.

She practically throws herself at him and, yeah, maybe she kisses him in a not-very-work-appropriate way and maybe some of the perps in the holding cell wolf whistle and maybe Charles is crying, but he is home and she can finally take those pregnancy tests.

Holt allows her to clock out early (she makes a mental note to buy him a glass of Charbonnay the next time they go to Shaw’s) and Jake excitedly tells her all about the case, barely taking a second to breathe.

“Sounds fun, babe,” she says when he gets to the part of the story when he handcuffed the bad guys and then made out with this super hot chick in front of all his co-workers.

“It was awesome,” he confirms. “What about you? What have you been up to? I missed you so much.”

“Aw,” she smiles, rubbing her hand over his thigh as he drives, “I missed you so much, too. As for what I’ve been up to, I’ve mostly just been kind of sick.”

“Really?”

“Mm-hmm. I... um... actually think I might be pregnant.”

He swerves suddenly, nearly crashing the car. Ignoring the cars around them honking, he focuses on his wife. “Pregnant?”

“My period is nearly three weeks late, I’ve been throwing up and I’ve been extra emotional,” she debriefs him.

“Right. OK.” He takes a deep breath. “Have you taken a test?”

“I bought three but I couldn’t take them without you. It’s kind of been killing me.”

“Yeah, I bet,” he laughs, pulling over in front of their apartment. Neither of them move. “We should probably take them now.”

“Yeah,” she agrees.

“You nervous?”

“Yeah,” she says again. She’s lost count of how many negative tests they’ve seen, how many times she’s felt that familiar crushing disappointment. The thought of going through it all over again...

“I understand. We can wait, if you want. Or we could rip the band-aid off, let the scab bleed all over the place. I’ll hold your hand.”

There’s this reassuring look in his eyes that she’s seen a million times over from back when they were newly-assigned partners and he was reassuring her they would solve a tough case to that time on the roof of 397 Barton Street when he said he always knew she was going to be his boss to his speech at Hitchcock’s (second) divorce party when he told her that they are a family and that they can take whatever ‘next step’ she wants because as long as they’re together, he’s happy.

Because it’s him, she nods. “Let’s do this.”

The wait for the timer to go off seems longer than ever. She squeezes his hand so tight she thinks she might cut off the circulation, but he doesn’t complain, just keeps talking about how they’ll be fine, no matter what the result.

The timer eventually goes off and she picks up the test and starts crying immediately.

Jake hugs her tight and she can feel him crying too and this is so crazy and insane and good.

“We’re having a baby,” he says in awe and it’s the best thing Amy’s ever heard.

“We’re having a baby!” She repeats, half-laughing, half-crying.

She yelps as he lifts her up and spins her around their tiny bathroom before kissing her tenderly.

“I can’t believe this,” he exclaims when he pulls away, rubbing his hand over his face, “can you?”

“Nope.” She grins, kissing him again.

#my writing #b99 fic #jake x amy #hope this gives you all the feels it gave me as i was writing it

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grind-pantera · 7 years

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( Because I cannot control myself, here’s another Gaston Headcanon. MORE LIKE HEADCANONS HAHA.).

There’s no doubt that he’d be protective if he actually found himself that deep in love. It’d be a passionate protectiveness that (probably) seems controlling but he’s just concerned for your safety.

Comes into heavy play when he goes hunting(which is frequently). You’ve gone with him once or twice, and managed to shoot down a few birds to which he was beaming with pride because “I taught her how to do that. That’s my girl.”

The funny thing is, the more his relationship progressed with you, the more he found excuses to let you stay home when he went hunting because he was literally so worried that you would be hurt if he took you with him. (Which, you had never been hurt with him before but still, there was always the possibility.)

“It’s just a day with LeFou and I.” is usually the most common thing he tells you, and you bought it the first couple of times but after that it became a bit more suspicious.

You start holding your ground and tell him that you want to go.

He can’t say no to you, which comes in handy with situations like this so before Gaston really knows what’s happening, you’re getting ready to go hunting with him.

“It’s just a blur, LeFou. She says she’s going and I can do nothing to stop it even though I’m afraid for her safety. She’s got this sort of…” His nose scrunches in thought, “Spell on me that makes it impossible to say no.”

LeFou probably just murmurs to himself, “If she can handle you, she can handle herself hunting.”

Who am I kidding he’s probably always worried for your safety and asks if you need to be walked/escorted anywhere.

He’ll usually ask it in a subtle way like, “can I come”. It piques your interest, especially when you’re just going to get something from the store a block from your house.

You chuckle quietly, kissing his forehead before saying, “I think I can manage.”

He probably just stands there and watches you walk away, his heart beating a bit harder than before. There’s something about you just leaves him completely starstruck.

“It’s almost as if she… She strikes me down like lightning gracing the Earth.”

To which LeFou gags.

He’s lowkey jealous and honestly a bit surprised that Gaston has…. Fallen in love.

Gaston probably offers his jacket to you whenever yo complain about being cold because he doesn’t want you to get sick. So, if he ever does give you it, you smile gently, wrap your arm around him and continue to where ever you’re going so the both of you are warm because you are also worried about him getting sick(Despite Gaston constantly telling you that he almost never gets sick). (No stress y’all, I’m making headcanons specifically for that.)

After some time together, you finally come to realize that LeFou doesn’t like you because he’s got feelings for Gaston himself.

I’m not kidding, there’s no doubt that LeFou is protective over Gaston himself so like? You take it upon yourself to befriend him and you explain, “I love him and I’d never hurt him. Ever. I know you wouldn’t either. Can’t we just put this behind us and try to be friends? For Gaston?”

Things do get better, and slowly over time the two of you become the best of friends and tend to gossip every now and then.

You know what, while talking about being protective, I see him being exceedingly possessive at times.(Not all the time) More often than not, it happens in the tavern. With people being drunk, they don’t quite realize that they’re staring at Gaston’s girl.

Probably notices when someone is looking at you in that way.

It starts off small and he’ll gives them a glance of warning, a simple, “back off’ sort of stare.

If it continues, it escalates. Gaston wraps his arm around you, holds you close, digs his face into your hair if you’re busy with something else. Just to remind you and who ever has your attention that he’s not appreciating the unwanted attention thrown onto you.

Gaston knows that you’re not some prize to be won by some drunkard, and so he stays close to you for the rest of the night. If they happen to start talking to you, he’s right on your hip, taking a sip of his drink while he’s focusing all negative energy their way. Of course, it’s something you notice and you lightly brush your fingers along Gaston’s fingers as he’s holding you from behind.

If the situation where one of them leans towards you, or subtly touches you while Gason is not near you, there’s always the possibility of extreme measures. Especially if Gaston notices that it’s unwanted(Meaning, you resist or you scoot away from the touch. He’s got a keen eye for this sort of thing). More often than not, it’s small daggers being thrown at them,close enough to pin their jackets to the wall. It happens so fast, it leaves you a bit breathless and a few moments later, Gaston is next to you, digging his daggers out of the wall and growling at the drunkard, “If she wanted you to touch her, she would have said so. No, get out before I personally throw you out.”

Binch don’t get me started on jealous Gaston. (JK please do).

Jealousy is probably something that happens rarely, considering Gaston is aware how happy you are with him(And call it cocky) he knows that you’re satisfied too. (HAHA in more than one WAY).

He gets what I like to call “ugly jealous”. If he notices you chatting it up with someone you’ve known for a while, and you gesture, throwing your head back when you laugh, staring, etc. He’ll get that burning sensation in his chest, watch you carefully to see if you’re flirting or just being friendly(And TBH he’s got no radar for that.He sees being friendly as flirty a lot of the time.)

Because he’s probably confused as to which it is, he takes matters into his own hand and doesn’t lash out but will storm his way over there and kiss you flat on the mouth before saying, “I’m sorry I’m late, LeFou—” He looks up and gives whoever you were talking with a rather cynical smile with, “Well, who’s this?” You’re left a bit light headed after the kiss and find it hard to speak and so your friend introduces themselves and Gaston feels at ease knowing that they know you’re taken.

Don’t get me started on the body language though. Hands on his belt, legs spread slightly, broad shoulders, he needs to make himself seem more appealing than the other. The subtle, dirty smirk as he talks to them. Even the undertone of his voice, which is actually rather husky and needy.

He makes them know that you deserve him and deserve all of him. You’re the only person who deserves him. Gaston simply plays the intimidation card when he’s jealous and has gotten caught doing so many times by you.

I’m screaming because he probably likes it when you catch him doing this because Gaston lowkey likes being told off by you?

“You don’t need to do that every time I talk to someone I know. Trust me, Gaston. You’re the only one I love and you don’t need to worry about someone else coming up and snatching me.” you sigh gently, wrapping your arms around his neck and lifting yourself against him so you can kiss his lips softly. He’s happy to respond to the kiss. His lips mesh against yours a bit harder, telling you exactly what he wanted now that he was being scolded. Snuggling his arms around your waist, he now helps you lift against his body. “And you should know better than to do that. It drives me crazy.” “I won’t stop doing it, you do know. I want everyone to know that you’re mine and that,” He dips his head and places a rather heated kiss to your collarbone, “I’m yours.”

I AM SCREAMING AT MYSELF. Thanks for reading guys! reblogs and likes are appreciated! Have a good one <3.

#gaston #gaston x reader #beauty and the beast #batb #luke evans #emmy writes #fanfiction #fanfic #headcanons #disney #disney headcanons

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lunarmoonacnh · 7 years

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i was tagged by the amazing @unhugme

Rules: Once you have been tagged you are supposed to write 92 truths about yourself. At the end, choose 25 people to tag!

THE LAST… 1. Drink: diet coke

2. Phone call: my mum

3. Text message: my best friend telling him goodnight

4. Song you listened to: Michael Jackson - Pretty Young Thing bc it was on the radio

5. Time you cried: like last night or the night before coz it was 2am and life

HAVE YOU EVER… 6. Dated someone twice: ive barely even dated someone once lmao

7. Been cheated on: yup...

8. Kissed someone and regretted it: no i dont think so

9. Lost someone special: yes, my great grandpa

10. Been depressed: yes, im currently seeing a therapist

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: yes! every time i drink unless its wine, for some reason wine doesnt make me sick. i think its because i once totally over did it on spirits and cider so not they just taste like the time i almost died and my body cant take it

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLORS:

12. grey

13. mint green

14. blush pink

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU… 15. Made new friends: yes, i started college so i made new irl friends because of that and i have also mad new internet friends through this blog

16. Fallen out of love: kinda, depends how you look at it. i didnt know i had fallen out of love until the relationship had ended and i didnt feel as sad as i thought i would

17. Laughed until you cried: always, when i’m with my friends all i do is cry laugh

18. Found out someone was talking about you: yes, it happens a lot, sometimes negative and sometimes positive

19. Met someone who changed you: yes, for good and bad.

20. Found out who your true friends are: yes, once i left school i knew who my real friends are because they are the ones who kept in touch and the ones who didnt do other things that they knew would hurt me

21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: yess

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: most, i dont know them all personally but i know of them all, no strangers for me

23. Do you have any pets: not at my house but we are getting our little puppy Sully in 14 days. i do have a cat and a dog at my dads house but i very rarely go visit

24. Do you want to change your name: no, i used to want to when i was a kid because i used to get bullied because i had a ‘boys’ name (Billie) but now i like it because its unique

25. What did you do for your last birthday: met my friends that i met on the internet that are now irl friends for a meal and to go shopping. we went for pizza and bowling and then shopping before they had to leave again:(

26. What time did you wake up: usually between 8am and 9am without an alarm

27. What were you doing at midnight last night: i think i was actually sleeping for once if not i was watching youtube videos

28. Name something you cannot wait for: to get my puppy and to meet up with and have a party with my internet/irl friends again in summer

29. When was the last time you saw your mother: like 15 minuets ago befroe i came upstairs to do this

30. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: i wish i could control my anxiety and depression or even not have it at all. i also wish my dad would pay me more attention and want to see me more because i miss him and its almost like he forgets i was his first kind before he mt his new wife

31. What are you listening to right now: the 1975

32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: i mean i have a cousin name Thomas? but never someone just called Tom without it being shortened

33. Something that is getting on your nerves: life? no but like the fact that im not allowing myself to do the things i want to do out of pure fear

34. Most visited website: Tumblr of course... it is never off my browser

35. Elementary: ive honestly never wanted to go back to a time in my life more than i want to go back to elementary/primary school

36. High School: no thanks to that. i wish i could have been one of the people that called it the best years of their lives not 5 years of asshole bullying me

37. College/university: im commenting on this as England college (16-18 year olds) and ive just dropped out of one part (sixth from) where i was taking 3 subjects Media studies and Film studies which i loved and will miss and Psychology wich i did love but wont miss because i couldnt do it and it made my anxiety sky rocket. in september i start a makeup course and i am so excieted to be a qualified makeup artist this time next year

38. Hair colour: mousy brown

39. Long or short hair: long, like almost to my butt long (yes its natural)

40. Do you have a crush on someone: yes, but i could never pursue it bc he is my friend and i wouldnt want to ruin that. ive made that mistake with my ex.

41. What do you like about yourself: my eyes. they are grey and kinda ombre like they hae a really dark ring on the outside and they get lighter closer to my pupil

42. Piercings: yes, my first and second lobes on both ears, my helix and forward helix on my left ear. half way up my ear and my rook on my right ear and then my nose

43. Blood type: i have no idea, do people actually know this?

44. Nickname: Bil and B although i dont like B (pronounced like Bee) but its what my cousins have called my since i was really small so it doesnt bother me that much with them

45. Relationship status: extremely single

46. Zodiac sign: Aquarius

47. Pronouns: she/her

48. Favourite TV show: pretty little liars, it has just finished and now i am re watching it to find clues about A that i missed

49. Tattoos: no, but i have a couple planned

50. Right or left hand: right

FIRST… 51. Surgery: teeth removed they are the only ops ive ever had and will ever have to have touch wood

52. Piercing: ears

54. Sport: i danced as a majorette does that count?

55. Vacation: i honestly have no idea, i think i went to Devon though (its a place in the UK) all i know is my first holiday was during 9/11

56. Pair of trainers: probably like Nike Airs or something Adidas i have no idea

57. Eating: i actually know this bc my older cousin fed me a wham bar (a british, i think, chewy candy thing) when i was 3 week old, so i could have died the ifrst time i hate lmao

58. Drinking: i was 14, i know i shouldnt have been drinking because my mum made me promise her i wouldnt, but i remember being so drunk (idk if it was real or faked tbh) on alcopop thats right 4% alcohol and i probs had like 3

59. I’m about to: go get my cousins baby off his Nan so she can get his older brother from nursery

60. Listening to: idk if this is like asking the same as earlier? coz if so t]still the 1975

61. Waiting for: my friend to reply to me an tell me when he is taking me for coffee

62. Want: my dog

63. Get married: probs idk

64. Career: i dont have one rn but hopefully a makeup artist

YOUR TYPE… 65. Hugs or kisses: rn hugs i need to hug someone while i fall to sleep so bad its been so long

66. Lips or eyes: eyes

67. Shorter or taller: taller bc im also tall so i need someone taller than me (i dont need but i like a partner to be tall)

68. Older or younger: older, people y age are immature so any younger and i may as well spend my time with a 10 year old

70. Nice arms or nice stomach: i dont mind tbh

71. Sensitive or loud: both? not too loud though ya girl has sensitive ears

72. Hook up or relationship: relationship, im demisexual (it took me 17 years to figure that out) so hook ups aren’t my thing

73. Troublemaker or hesitant: it depends because i tend to be the cause of arguments and things because im honest but im not out there to cause trouble i just dont like to lie

HAVE YOU EVER… 74. Kissed a stranger?: no

75. Drank hard liquor?: yes, dont do it, its bad kids

76. Lost glasses contact/lenses: yes, i lose my glasses all the goddamn time

77. Turned someone down: yes, i always feel bad but you cant force feelings

78. Sex on first date: nope

79. Broken someone’s heart: not that i know of, i doubt it though

80. Had your heart broken: yes, again not fun

81. Been arrested: nooo

82. Cried when someone died: yes

83. Fallen for a friend: yes

DO YOU BELIEVE IN… 84. Yourself: not always

85. Miracles: yes, the baby i spoke about earlier? yeah hes my miracle, he was born with a new strain of meningitis, he has had 3 lots of brain surgery (at a week old) and the doctors said it was a very low chance he would survive. he did 3 times. his heart also stopped 3 times, again he is here. he also had multiple surgeries on his joints, we got told he wouldnt walk but here he is at 16 months running around like a crazy person and loving life with his older brother

86. Love at first sight: i mean no, how can you fall in love with someone based off their face (no matter how many cute people you see on the street that you think you love, you probably dont)

87. Santa Claus: hes real in my house

88. Kiss on the first date: ive never been on a proper date so

89. Angels: yeah, i really love t believe in thse things because its cute

OTHER… 90. Current best friend’s name: im not saying their name coz idk if thats a good idea tbh

91. Eye colour: greyyy

92. Favourite movie: Tim Burtons Alice in Wonderland i just love his aesthetic and the story of Alice so put them together and you have a winner

ok i dont have 25 people to tag but i do tag @theflowerkingdom @kinkylildanny @creepyphantasia @imjustacanforallthephantrash and @dead-nightingale

if you are reading this and you want to do it, go for it and just say i tagged you!

#danielhowellsbooty

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heroheart · 7 years

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i really wanna watch s2 but is it That bad??? :((

ummm ok i'm gonna try and answer this as objectively as i can but it gets very very long so i’m putting this under a read more in case yall think i’m Whining

(ok it’s really long)

the one thing that makes me very sad about season 2 of sg is that, for me, it's lost the main feminist undertones™ that made me wanna watch it in the first place. (kinda comes with the loss of caIista fIockhart/cat grant, and the forcing of mon eI into the scene.)

james's character was almost completely binned.-- literally overnight from 1.20 to 2.01, kara, who'd spent the entirety of season one pining for him 'james is one of the most incredible people i've ever met. he makes me be a better superhero.' (paraphrased) immediately turns round and tells him that they're better off as friends, after one date (continuously interrupted by Crime™ which is ok??? that's what happens when you're secretly a superhero???) but she's literally... she was always smitten by him and i don't? know why they decided to get rid of a relationship built on so much respect and trust?

on the subject of james, i don't think their relationship would've worked out (purely because james has always been in the shadow, whether it's standing at sg's side or superman's, and as the season unveiled guardian, it kinda made sense tbh. but kara and james had so much chemistry which was immediately trampled all over with the arrival of mon eI.)

kara's relationship with mon eI has hindered a lot of her character growth, which is very sad. especially as the show is literally... about her... she's the titular protagonist... if anything, a character should allow her to grow (even negatively. for example, max Iord. even then, max Iord's character was a device for baby superhero kara to understand that she can't decide who lives and dies.)

the writers handle a lot of scenarios quite poorly. for example, winn gets a girlfriend, Iyra. she's an alien refugee from starhaven and most likely has ptsd from the treatment she suffered. she had an anger outburst, and the writers tried to ??? make it funny??? like it was a comedic moment??? smashing beer bottles and yelling at winn (who, remember, was raised by a serial killer...buddy) and i think it's important to highlight mental illness, but it was so calloused??? the writing was so poor here and let down her character.

with a lot of scenes, and a lot of episodes, i've felt as though the writers have thought of a Really Cool Plot (for example, alex being kidnapped because someone figured out who sg is and therefore that she was her sister. having maggie and kara working together, when they've butted heads before, to save the person that they care about the most. that's a sick idea. i like that.) but they change the characters in order to service the plot. for example, kara relying on her muscle and powers to save alex, and having to be taught that she has to use her words sometimes by maggie. this is by no means anti-maggie. this is the writers forgetting the copious sg speeches™ that kara's delivered throughout the series about hope and humanity and how we can be better. to me, it's just... lazy. it’s lazy writing.

mon eI is a problem for me. that's it. that's the bullet-point.

(ok no. mon eI is a problem for me because the writers wrote kara rejecting his advances MULTIPLE times throughout the first half of the season, only to turn around and be like 'actually maybe i can have it all' and suddenly falling for him in like 2 episodes? he personally embodies a lot of traits i don't like in general so. douchebag mcgee)

all female characters' screentime has cut in half. even kara's. what are you doing with this extra screentime what is going on why is this happening

SO ! MUCH ! HAPPENS ! sooooo much. so much. it's so rushed. the plots are cool, but there are so many of them. they're like - piling every single cliche and every single possible story arc into thie season, and it's just... a lot. this leaves a lot of the other arcs rushed and unfulfilled, and it's kinda like ... weird... for example, jeremiah comes back and kara and alex butt heads because he's a cadmus operative, and there were some really quite nasty things said by both of them (for example, it became a kind of blood vs adoptive family thing and that...yikes. i feel for both of them.) this was not resolved. this was not spoken about. the danvers sisters did not talk about this. the danvers sisters, who talk about everything, who talk about homeland theories and what they're going to have for dinner, and probably kara asking alex stupid shit like 'why have i never seen a baby pigeon', did not talk about a possible schism in their family.

for every 10 minutes of screentime kara/mel gets, san/vers gets 30 seconds. i adore alex's coming out arc. and i adore her relationship with maggie. i really do. however, to me, it feels like the writers are like 'haha, see, we've got a canon wlw relationship... as long as we give them 0.2 seconds every 5 episodes, all is well. we're progressive. we appeal to the lgbt community.' and from what i've seen, the audience is largely lgbt. (hey, it's rare to find canon f/f pairings that don’t die so when you do, boy you jump on that.) i would love to see more maggie/alex i love them:/

the writers have been pushing the fact that romantic love > familial love since the start of the season and it's a useless rhetoric which i don't need to see lol

tl;dr: a lot of the characters are ooc, mon eI is a problem, and the core of the show has been lost.

butttttttt i'm gonna give you some actual good things which happen in season two.

Iena Iuthor, love of my life, light of my world. possibly one of the only saving graces for the season for me. a Good depiction of a woman in science, a ceo, and overcoming previous stereotypes and crawling out of the shadow of her family. i love her and she deserves better than everything this show's thrown at her

san/vers... my daughters... making alex a lesbian was the best decision season 2 made. one of the worst is not developing maggie beyond 'she's alex's girlfriend, she has trust issues, and is a lesbian cop with a traumatic past'.

superman being present when kara is able to actually step out of his shadow. cIark also beginning to understand and appreciate kara's feelings on the matter.

james stepping out as guardian!!! my boy!!! please devote more time to my beautiful boy because he didn't get nearly enough screentime as he deserved. actually, he pretty much disappeared for most of it.

honestly if you want to watch it, then watch it. what i say isn't gonna change that, and it's not gonna change what happened. maybe i'm just bitter and cynical and maybe it's not actually that bad i really don’t know anymore

#out.#tbd.#this is anti a lot of things so basically read at ur own risk #anonymous

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