Pf was sooooo insane last night Shinji froggy chair crisis fr, sweet kindhearted goblin warrior who is the heart of the party tried to comfort my character, who instead of seeing it as an act of kindness, was like omg he knows my secrets and is guilt tripping me and so. She spilled the beans and was like ik I said I wasn't gonna lie anymore but I did so I'll leave now 👉👈😔 and they were like 'hey you're kinda being manipulated by an evil mage who is also ur cousin' which hadn't even occured to ME the player, let alone my character (🤡). And so it's just ;-; oh man she is a pathologic liar and doesnt know how to stop, whereas I'm allergic to lying, but for the same reasons!!! It's that insecurity babbyyyy
Also our rogue convinced the ice pope to not only ally with us but come fight some fire plan creatures and our practicing-a-forbidden-religion champion is maybe crushing on the ice pope
Understandbly. I very much do not want to be at work rn
and also my next character is going to be SOOOOO emotionally stable I swear. Themis is like. Normal Human Man 100%. Head empty oath of the crown paladin. His biggest problem is that he's lawful good and super obsessed with Following The Rules but his friend/ambiguous partner is a Known Rogue and part of a Criminal Guild and also strict black and white morality isn't practical. Man is intended to be a combo of costis and beshelar. We love rulebooks and honour and never lying bc I am compulsively incapable of it
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Every Saturday and Sunday I go to the clinic to do an alcohol test - because being controlled is the only thing that keeps me sober (this plan was my idea, yes, I got praised for this by the staff 🙌🏻). So today when I went there, I asked to have a talk and confessed that I relapsed. I'm proud that I was honest. Even prouder that I stopped the relapse. I didn't continue drinking today - I genuinely didn't want to which is new.
The nurse thanked me for my honesty and offered that next time I can come over before I relapse and stay the night. Not sure if I'll manage to do that but I can try and it's good to have this option.
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I really feel like such a helpless adult baby sometimes. Some things just take too long while to heal, and even when I think I've got no more pain left, something refuels it. Some wounds feel like putting a fireplace somewhere in innermost part of one's being; as long as it is there, there is a risk of someone throwing fuel in it and making it burn. And these fireplaces are so, SO darn hard to uninstall. Just.. how do I heal this?
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There’s never a point at which Kamordah does not hurt. Because it’s one thing, right, to read Beau’s offer to give herself up right afterwards as a method of running from the vulnerability - a reminder of the worst parts of her, what she failed to live up to as a daughter, an heir, a sister.
But I also think that walking into her nice house with her cordial parents and everything just so had Beau convinced that everyone else would buy into their fiction, too. She can’t afford to believe their bullshit anymore but it’s still hard even for her. She doesn’t expect any of the Nein to look at where she came from and what she fucked up and still put up with her. Shame, yes, but also resignation. She still thinks she’s the screwup in this situation, and now that everyone else has seen what she’s been hiding they’ll understand she was never any good. By no means was Jester picking a side when she told Beau that Thoreau meant what he said, but Beau already believed on some level that her parents had always been in the right and there was no other way she could interpret those words. Of course her dad meant it. He always had. She was the one making everything difficult.
Beau walking into that hut and offering that misery was just a more direct mirror of a process she thought she had already begun. By showing the Nein her family - and having it out with her dad where they could see and hear - she assumed she was already signing her own dismissal. The fact that they didn’t immediately reject her almost made it worse, because now she has to do it herself. They’re too nice to tell her to go fuck herself but it’s only a matter of time. Better to cut it off now, before they really start putting everything together.
She has absolutely no concept of the idea that she could be wanted as much and more than being needed. She certainly has no way of understanding yet that standing there broken open like an opal could strengthen bonds. The Nein as a whole took a look at where Beau came from and understood so much about her, but they understood exactly what Beau had been fighting to never become and loved her more for her efforts. Yasha literally fell in love with her when she put the all of this context together. Every bit of progress Beau had made so far was clawed from an empty well of experience. She had to learn to be better by being anything other than what was demanded of her. She didn’t have other people to emulate. She was literally making this shit up on the fly and resigned to never quite getting it right. Showing up at her family’s estate with the manners and coping mechanisms cobbled together from her experiences with the Nein and feeling it all fall out from underneath her the moment her father spoke...Beau fell apart in Kamordah, only this time the Nein were here to hold her to the mark and remind her of all she had left to live for. Not for them, for herself, because that’s what they wanted from her. They only ever wanted true growth and happiness for her - something she grew up hearing and could not afford to believe.
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A huge underlying view among many terfs that frustrates me beyond belief is Islamophobia. I have seen countless of posts from Terfs using the stories of abused Muslim women as an excuse to say the whole religion is oppressive and sexist. I have seen so many posts about how hijabs and burkas are oppressive and women who choose to wear them are working against women’s rights. They often imply that most of, if not all, Muslim men are violent in the name of religion. They fail to make the obvious connection between the fact that there’s a huge difference between fascist governments using Islam as an excuse to oppress women and actual Islam and Muslims. Ofc women should have the right to chose if they want to be religious, if they want to cover up, if they want to take on a submissive role. No one is denying that. The reasons those rights are taken from women, often in the Middle East (which is what terfs often reference), is the fault of the government, not the religion. Yeah, there are abusive men who will use Islam as an excuse for their actions. Just like there are Christian men who will use Christianity as an excuse for their actions. Same goes for pretty much all religions. People covering up their abuse under the guise of religion is not limited to just Islam. It happens in most religions. It’s happened pretty much since religion started.
It’s just so ignorant and out of touch and you know they have never spoken to a Muslim person. If they did, they would know Muslims are the same as Christians and Jews and atheists and so on. It’s not some evil curse. It’s a religion that mainly focuses on peace. And to demonize it, using the horrors women have faced as an excuse is just so messed up. Most people on the internet haven’t realized there’s a big difference between a religion and people using that religion as a coverup for their shitty actions. The existence of governments using Islam to persecute women is because of bad people, not Islam. Terfs just want one group of people to be declared bad so they can blame everything on them. They claim to want to protect all women, and then condemn an entire religion. They talk about horrid treatment of women and blame religion rather than the perpetrators. It’s a very common belief a lot of them hold and I never see it mentioned and it just really pisses me off.
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