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butch-reidentified · 1 year

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Did top surgery really help with your dysphoria? How do you feel about comparisons between dysphoric people undergoing surgery to feel better about their bodies vs anorexic or other dysmorphic people opting for surgery to relieve their discomfort? Do you think some or even most dysphoric people could be eventually reach body neutrality or acceptance with nonmedical support or treatment? Asking with total respect as your posts are so thoughtful & I'm interested in your views

Hi! Thank you for this ask, it gives me a chance to consolidate some of my previous posts/reblogs about this topic. I'll include some links at the bottom to my previous content on this 😊

1. Did top surgery really help with your dysphoria?

Yes, it helped me immensely, but I had created a rigorous, multi-year-long gatekeeping process for myself prior to following through with it. I wasn't a TRA, I didn't have a gender identity and had zero desire to distance myself from womanhood (honestly I never have), I was very much conscious of and at peace with my material reality, had been seeing a non-affirming therapist and gotten a second therapeutic opinion, had read numerous detrans regret stories to compare my reasons, thought process, & experiences to the ones that resulted in regret/dissatisfaction, and much more. 50 layers of caution and redundancy has always been how I work, and this was no different.

2. How do you feel about comparisons between dysphoric people undergoing surgery to feel better about their bodies vs anorexic or other dysmorphic people opting for surgery to relieve their discomfort?

I think the term "dysphoria" has been watered down and is as extremely subjective as one's sense of humor. Many trans-identified people say they experience an exacerbation ("trigger") of dysphoria in response to gendered things like wearing certain clothing, makeup, or being called "sir" or "miss" or whatever. Some even claim to "feel dysphoric" about enjoying hobbies stereotypically associated with their sex. These examples are to my experience of dysphoria what boomer humor is to my sense of humor: I simply don't get it and can't relate.

You asked a question about "dysphoric people undergoing surgery to feel better about their bodies," but to be clear, that's not what I did. I didn't feel bad about my body in the slightest; in fact, I loved my body. I really loved my breasts - they were genuinely uniquely remarkable breasts. They were wonderful, and a joyful signifier to me of my femaleness and connection to nature and the goddesses - something I've always taken great pride in, and I knew part of me would miss them. But dysphoria, for me (and the dysphoric people I tend to associate with irl), was/is a literal physical feeling in the same way that pain, itchiness, pressure, numbness, and tingling are physical sensations. It has nothing to do with my feelings about my appearance or my psychological relationship to my body. No matter how intense that sensation could be, I never loved my breasts any less.

As I expected, a part of me did and does miss them from time to time, but honestly it's a pretty superficial part - sometimes I miss their appearance and almost unnatural symmetry, or my nipple piercings, or the aesthetic of breasts on butch women, or goofing around with female friends about/with them. I do miss the bra pocket the most. Truthfully though, I never think about those things unless some specific relevant context prompts me to, and it's a totally cognitive "feeling" rather than an emotional one. It's also very mild and brief, and has never led to feeling regret.

I had body dysmorphia and anorexia for a fairly short time as a teen, but recovered quickly and very fully (I couldn't relapse if I tried, and being a good scientist, I did test that), and was totally mentally at peace with my body for years before even permitting myself to truly consider pursuing surgery. It was crucial to me that I be fully at peace with my body psychologically before doing so to minimize potential confounds. The sensation of relief I experienced post-op was more like the feeling I get after my pain management doctor injects lidocaine & steroids into my sacroiliac joints than the feeling I got at 17 when I could see my bones sticking out - in fact it was nothing at all like the latter. The mental space/energy it freed up for me was not at all emotional distress, but more akin to the mental space/energy freed up when I finally was put on the right medication for my POTS, reducing my fatigue and uncomfortable cardiac sensations immensely.

I never bothered with binding or anything because how others perceived me/how I looked in the mirror was never a factor in the slightest. Actually, if anything, binding would've made me hyperfocus on the sensation. The only relevant thing was the physical sensation and the fact that every other treatment I tried did absolutely nothing to alleviate it. I was able to heal cPTSD from multifaceted childhood abuse entirely on my own. A few years of EMDR had me far subclinical for PTSD after surviving the Pulse Nightclub mass shooting in Orlando in 2016. 4 weeks of PHP cured me permanently from severe anorexia. But nothing ever made a difference when it came to my dysphoria.

At the same time, I don't think most other people who call themselves dysphoric experience the same thing that I do. I think many - likely most - people who say they have dysphoria are gnc and struggling with stereotypes and expectations, have body image issues in general and think transition will help because of the rhetoric around it treating it as a silver bullet, are struggling to accept themselves for any number of potential reasons we often discuss here on radblr, are aroused by "cross-dressing" or cross-sex fantasies, or other things I'm definitely forgetting in my current half-asleep state.

3. Do you think some or even most dysphoric people could eventually reach body neutrality or acceptance with nonmedical support or treatment?

I know I'm reiterating here, but just to be very clear - I did reach a high level of body acceptance prior to my surgery, and total acceptance below the neck. My face (particularly being babyfaced & my nose) were the only things I was still a little self-conscious about, but not dysmorphic or anything severe. That's been resolved for a while now, too.

Absolutely 100% yes. I think the vast, vast majority of people who call themselves dysphoric or are diagnosed with "gender dysphoria" have zero business being approved for medical intervention, particularly surgery. The intense urgency to go under the knife that so many trans-identifying people express is a massive red flag for mental illness and non-intractible dysphoria, yet that urgency is often used to "prove" the medical "necessity" of such "treatments." The way so many people "come out" as trans and instantly want surgery as soon as humanly possible with as little preparation or gatekeeping as possible is extremely concerning, and in my eyes very much a sign that person is anything but a good candidate for medical intervention. Throwing a tantrum on Twitter because you have to wait a few years to get a major surgery is not a mentally healthy behavior... obviously. Those people need psychiatric intervention first and foremost, and goddesses we need more research.

The people I know who experience dysphoria as a physical sensation like I described are anecdotally far more cautious and thorough in considering medical intervention, much less likely to subscribe to gender ideology, and much more likely to attempt every possible alternative before deciding on surgery - an oddly parallel approach to that of most patients with chronic pain: try everything other than surgery/experimental medical intervention first.

Dysphoria means a hundred different things to different people these days. Maybe it always did, idk. I firmly believe we need to start separating these "types" of dysphoria, or ideally even separate them in name and concept altogether (stop calling all these different issues/symptoms/experiences by the same name). What do I have in common with a man who steals his sister's undergarments for a sexual thrill? What do I have in common with a teenage girl who thinks she must not be female because she hates skirts and loves cargo shorts? My experience is one of neurological dissonance, not emotional distress. This presents a major issue when it comes to research, though... if we aren't differentiating these drastically different varieties of "trans" and definitions of dysphoria, how can any research on dysphoric populations be remotely meaningful? The treatment plan for the man stealing his sister's undergarments and the treatment plan for the gnc teen girl and the treatment plan for me shouldn't all look the same. That seems glaringly obvious, and yet nobody seems willing to admit it.

My original I Don't Regret My Top Surgery post

"Radfems Misunderstanding Dysphoria" meme post discussion

Response to an ask about alternative ways to treat dysphoria

We really need research to identify which patients are most likely to benefit from medical intervention (and which are most likely to be harmed by it)

Response to an ask: sex dysphoria vs gender dysphoria, and rare dysphoria as neurological with possible genetic/epigenetic components

Response to an ask: neurological dysphoria vs brain sex, part 1

Response to an ask: neurological dysphoria vs brain sex, part 2

#mine #ntsd #neurological type sex dysphoria #neurological model of dysphoria #sex dysphoria #radblr #ask #anon ask #anon #detrans surgery

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moongothic · 4 months

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i would love trans crocodile but im very cynical that oda would write him in a respectful manner. thats not even thinking of how horrible that one portion of the one piece fandom would treat him

Yeah the fandom sucks and I'm going to strangle everyone (including the cishets who claim to be trans allies and then use "Crocomom")

But with Oda it's weird because like. The more I think about it, the more I'm like... 50/50 about Oda being able to actually deliver good, respectful trans masc rep.

Like I've posted about this before but One Piece does have this on-going theme of having characters "stuck in wrong bodies" or "having one's body changed" (sometimes reversably, sometimes irreversably; sometimes against their will, sometimes consentually). Which, in theory, in my mind, does kind of signal that on some level Oda understands the idea of being "the wrong sex" (whether or not that's a good way to explain The Trans Experience™ is a whole different subject but it's an old fashioned explanation that Oda would probably be/is familiar with) But at the same time, while the concept pops up again and again in One Piece, Oda doesn't really dwell too deep into the idea of what that's like. Like, emotionally. How it feels like to like, get turned into a toy or be a child who gets aged 20 years or to get turned into a cyborg or a giant child or have parts of your body permanently turned into animal parts (sometimes with a will of their own) etc

And like. Part of me understands why, Oda does tend to want to focus on writing a story he thinks teenaged boys would be interested in reading, and he has often stated he wants to have fun with his story too (like that's partially why Luffy's a Rubber Man, because Oda thought giving Luffy a ridiculous ability would make him more fun to write and draw long-term, which is valid as hell) This is why for example Oda has avoided doing any romances in OP, and while there are dark themes in the story, often he has done his best to avoid making them too blatant, as some things would be too mature for his youngest readers (like, for example until Kuma's backstory, it was never explicitly stated what would happen to the slave wives of the Tenryuubito, even saying it was "implied" would be pushing how that subject had been treated until now)

So like. Because of that, I understand why Oda hasn't dwelled into The Feelings™ part much/at all despite the "stuck in the wrong body" narrative appearing time and time again

Either Oda thinks it'd be too boring either for himself or his readers, or he hasn't dwelled into it because he doesn't really understand gender dysphoria and can't relate to the experience (despite how often it shows its face in OP). Or it could be both, even

The thing is though, as OP has gone on, while I wouldn't say Oda has "broken his writing rules", Kuma's backstory alone has pushed them to a new limit with the love-that-never-was story and the all-but-explicitly-stated storytelling.

So a part of me wonders, if Crocodile is trans, could Oda actually like... take a slightly deeper look into his feelings and explore his queer experience? ('Cause god knows, if Crocodad Real, then there really would be a literal coming out-story built into his backstory that would be extremely unavoidable, and as I've mentioned before, the fact that we haven't gotten to learn almost anything about his backstory yet is Kinda Fucking Sus)

Also I do want to mention how... like Oda gets a lot of bad rap when it comes to queer rep in One Piece, but the more I think about it, I think it's more an issue with the terminology and how translators have gone about either localizing it, or more often than not, leaving it unlocalized 'Cause like. Yes the "okama" would be horrible trans rep but... really... they're not trans representation. They're representation for draq queens. Piss poor draq rep, but still, they're draq queens. And just like our very real life drag performers; some of them are cishets. Some of them are gender non-conforming gay men. Some of them are nonbinary*. Some of them are trans women. Obviously lumping all of these people into one group is kinda offensive (which is why "okama" is (as far as I understand it) such an unpopular term even amongst queer people in Japan), and the way Oda often chooses to draw these characters looks no different to how gender criticals choose to present trans women in their propaganda.

*Like Bon-chan, who explicitly states they are both male and female. And Iva-chan, who switches between boy-mode and girl-mode from time to time, could arguably be called genderfluid (though any specific terminology is up to debate). Both are nonbinary draq queens.

And yet, despite all that. It can not be understated how if you put aside the nameless background gag-characters, Oda does treat the actual, proper queer characters with respect. Everyone would agree that Bon-chan is an absolute hero, we would all die for them. Iva-chan (and Inazuma too) is explicitly presented in a heroic light, seen as someone who helps people and fights for justice (with the Revs)

And then there's the first binary trans characters we've actually gotten, Okiku and Yamato. And I'm pretty sure we would all agree Okiku is 10/10 perfect trans fem representation (I am not entirely serious, I'm not trans fem so I can't speak for trans women here, it's just that I can't see anything Horrendously Wrong with how Okiku is presented within the story- not actually perfect but all things considdered, damn good). She is stunning, people around her (INCLUDING SANJI!!) don't just view her as a woman but would go out of their way to date her (as in, she is seen as "desirable", and not as some kind of a disgusting freak to avoid), she is heroic and sweet and kind and just. IDK I love her And while I'm sure many trans mascs would agree Yamato may not be how they want to be seen by the world (though having Yamato ID as a man while having the biggest moobs is surely validating for a lot of people, including anybody who might not want or be able to get top surgery and/or HRT), again, he is only presented as heroic within the narrative and respected by the characters around him, Luffy especially, which is by far the most important part; the protagonist going out of his way to be respectful of trans characters does represent the values of the story.

And like.

Think about how Oda has treated Crocodile so far.

Like, although we're all having a bit of a laugh over the whole Cross Guild thing, Oda is still treating him as a cool character whom he presents seriously and treats with respect. Like Oda wants the readers to see Crocodile as at least a little bit cool. So I can't imagine him pulling a full 180 with how Croc would be treated in the story if he was revealed to be trans, especially when the potential foreshadowing for that was laid out in the story years ago already.

All this to say; Oda is not perfect at all, but considdering the things he has gotten right so far, I think there is hope he could pull it off. Because Oda is for Queer Liberation.

Really, my only concerns would be whether or not there's a risk Crocodile could get somehow detrans'd during the story (I'm praying the Haki theory isn't an option, really Doc Q might be the only true risk here), if he's stealth and that got presented as "a wrong thing to do" (which I'd hope not, like our previous queer characters have been okay with being openly queer but that may have been more for the readers than anything else. At least, I hope, god knows if Crocodile is and wants to be stealth trans then that's his right and he shouldn't have to out if he doesn't want to, and yeah, I don't want him to be demonized within the narrative for being stealth (if he's stealth, for all we know he could be out)) and like, most importantly, what'd end up being Crocodile's "motivation" for transitioning in the first place

Like. God. I just. I don't want there to be a twist where Crocodile transitioned because "being a woman was weak" or because he "wanted to be acknowledged by Whitebeard" ('cause WB doesn't take women into his crew) or "the scar in his face made him so ugly he decided he should be a man instead" (seen unironic Redditors suggest that. Almost lost my mind) or something

Like I hope someone's at least tried to explain gender dysphoria to Oda. Like the man does have actual queer friends in real life (some of whom inspired characters in OP), so I'm hoping at least someone's tried to explain the feelings that come with The Trans Experience™ to him so that, if Crocodile's trans, then Oda can actually try to base his reasoning to transition on those feelings instead of any stupid "reasons" that no actual queer person would relate to

But it all just boils down to... Is Oda willing to actually dwell into those feelings and explore them in the story.

It... it really could go either way with Oda

So yeah. Anon, I'm with you, I'd be lying if I didn't admit I was at least A Little Worried. But also... I want to be hopeful. Because I do believe there is reason to be hopeful.

Only time will tell how it'll go

#Moon posting #Asks #Sir Crocodile #OP Meta #OP Spoilers #Long post #CW Discussions of transphobia #For the record- cishets using ''crocomom'' for like fandom tagging purposes is fine #But outside of that. P e r i s h #Literally no need to misgender him.#(And obligatory disclaimer: yes if you're trans masc you get a pass on misgendering Crocodile. I'm @'ing the cishets not you)#(Also I'm not dead serious. It's just a pet peeve and god dammit I need to complain about it somewhere djkfghdskfgh)#While I'm at it with the tagging complaints please for the love of god tag your genderbends so people can blacklist and avoid them #Your Cross Guild Yuri is fun and fine but for some people having a trans man get presented as a woman in fanart #For no other reason than “girl pretty” pretty much #Can be just really emotionally draining and painful when the world so explicitly **does not want you to be trans**#Just. It'd be The Nice Thing To Do. You can draw your fem Croc just. Please tag it. For the love of god.#These tags are an absolute mess yeehaw

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night-wyld-system · 5 months

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Wondering if there's any other afab transfems out there. My relationship with it personally is a mess- especially given how messy it was to get here. My actual identity is transfemmasc, and I am almost entirely certain I'm intersex.

We very recently accepted female as one of our collective genders (we as a system are multigender) because we got over some stuff and it's been like massively relieving. We're transmasc so we feel like identifying as a woman period- let alone as we do in a trans way- makes us bad people. Like we feel like we're being transmisogynstic for being an afab transfem in that regard. We're afab because of physical appearances. But we've always been obviously not just the same as cis and perisex people of our agab. This lead to us experiencing further abuse and targetting during our trauma. We were often targeted because it was clear we were either GNC or too masculine to be a girl. We do still identify as male but we're female as well. Being told over and over again since childhood we were too masculine... it's left a lot of issues. It's why it was so easy to accept we were transmasc and wanted HRT to get more T... but was so hard to accept any amount of our femaleness. We've tried to keep claiming "no no I'm just feminine, it's not being a woman, I'm a trans man I can't ever want to be a woman" but we've realized that's because we've been thinking of cis perisex womanhood. But we have trans intersex womanhood.

There's also the added oddity that is us despising people using she/her pronouns for us but wanting to identify as female. I know people will- because female is one of our genders- use this to trigger us further. She/her... idk if we have dysphoria from it or if to us it's just a trauma trigger. And because I associate things that are very female gendered with my trafficking- it made it so much harder to have any grasp on my own womanhood. Even if it be a form that most people could never understand.

Like we're on T for HRT. We have been for three years. Recently though, we found out more so we are probably intersex and we had to lower the amount of T we were on for our own safety and because our original doctor did not ever test to see our levels before putting us on T. We very likely have more testosterone already than perisex afabs. Our puberty also was a bit of a mess, the bits and pieces I can remember lead to me sticking out from everyone else in every way. There was talk of putting me on hormones as a middle schooler because I wasn't developing properly and my father was concerned.

Any fem part of my identity is not perisex whatsoever- and it is not cis. I've had to change things both medically and socially in accepting this part of myself.

#intersex #gender identity #gnc #trans #transmasc #transfem #transfemmasc #afab transfem #slight vent

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bell4lan · 1 year

Text

Comfort

Genre: Fluff, angst, comfort

DNI: NON-MLM/NBLM, fujoshis, mlm/nblm fetishizers, trans fetishizers

CW: Gender dysphoria, dysphoric thoughts, insecurity

Character(s): Albedo, Trans Male Reader

Albedo was currently packing a bag, filling it with clothes and other necessities he would need. He was doing this because you hadn't come to Dragonspine for a week, and Albedo was very worried. You usually visited daily, so your absence was noticed immediately. Albedo only waited so long because he had remembered you saying you'd be busy this week, but you hadn't even sent him a letter. His mind was filled with negative scenarios in which you were hurt, but quickly brushed them off as he head out to the city.

The reason he packed a bag was because he was going to stay with you. No matter what reason you had, he wasn't going to leave your side. Albedo wasn't really one to express such cheesy emotions in public, so no one really knew just how much he felt for you. No one knew how clingy he was, how he always felt the need to protect you, to be by your side. Albedo was deeply in love with you, so your distance from him was making him feel uneasy.

Eventually, he made it to your door and knocked on the wood. After a few minutes, nothing happened, so he knocked again. After standing there for a bit, he was doubting you were home, that is until you opened the door. You looked incredibly tired and your eyes were red. Had you been crying?

"Albedo?" You asked in a sort of tired yet surprised tone. You saw the bag and wondered if he had business in the city.

"I apologize for showing up without warning, but i've been worried about you." He spoke softly, caressing your cheek. You looked at him, feeling guilty about not telling him why you haven't been going.

You grabbed the hand on your cheek and held it. "Please, come in. I'll explain everything." You mumbled, he nodded and walked in, following you to your bedroom. You both sat down on your messy bed, still hand in hand.

You sat in silence for a moment, Albedo moving his thumb comfortingly on the back of your hand. You took a deep breath to calm yourself before you spoke. "I haven't been going to Dragonspine because...I simply don't have the energy to. I've been feeling really bad lately, mentally. It's kind of made me lazy and tired. I'm sorry for worrying you." You explained as tears filled your eyes. Albedo was quick to wipe them away.

"Oh love, i'm so sorry you've been feeling this way. Did something happen?" He asked in a gentle tone.

"I've...been feeling really dysphoric lately. I hate how I wasn't born male, I don't feel like a true man. I just feel like a fake...I don't even understand why you're with me. Wouldn't you want a real man?" You started to sob harder as you spoke, tears flowing down your face quickly.

"(Name), you are a real man. No matter what your dysphoria tells you, you are. You have decided that you are a man, so you are one. End of story. I know I don't know how you feel, but I truly do believe you are a man. You always have been, and you always will be. You're my man, my boyfriend, nothing will change that." Albedo tried his best to be comforting and truthful. He wasn't sure of what to say, he had never really had to deal with this before, but he hoped he helped a little. Everything he said was the truth, and he hoped you'd believe him.

"Are you sure?" You asked between soft sobs.

"Of course I'm sure." He whispered as he wiped your cheeks. You continued crying, though it was a lot softer, and Albedo stayed with you the whole time. He felt guilty, like he should be able to do something to take this feeling away. All he wanted was to take your pain away and make you happy again.

Once you stopped crying, Albedo gave you small kisses on your hands and face, making you laugh softly. "Thank you Albedo...I really appreciate you being here for me, and I'm sorry I worried you." You said, giving his hand a squeeze.

"There's no need to apologize, I understand you weren't feeling well enough." He said and kissed your cheek. He let you rest your head on his shoulder as he rubbed your back slowly, both of you enjoying the comfortable silence.

"If you'd like, I could try to come up with ways to make you more comfortable with your body." Albedo said. You looked up at him, eyes slightly widened.

"Really? I don't want to cause trouble."

"It wouldn't be any trouble at all, it just might take a while if that's okay with you." He reassured.

"Of course that's okay. Thank you so much Albedo!" You gave him a tight hug before kissing him gently. You were so happy to have someone like him by your side, how'd you get so lucky?

---------------------------------------------------

Sorry this isn't any of my requests, but I haven't been feeling well for a couple weeks so I made this for...myself. I was going to include more characters, but I got lazy.

I hope you guys can maybe find comfort in this too. ^^

#genshin x male reader #genshin impact x male reader #albedo x male reader #trans male reader #genshin x trans reader #ftm reader #genshin fluff #albedo fluff

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himbos-hotline · 8 months

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"I've got a lot of bad shit that I'm taking to my grave." - agoraphobic by CORPSE For Cole

The dead man in the dream is you

Word count: 4303 words Ship: The polycule, Mostly focused on: Jay Orton/Adam Cole and Adam Cole + Wheeler Yuta Characters: Adam Cole, Jay Orton, Wheeler Yuta. Mentioned Matt Jackson Triggers: Gender dysphoria, anxiety, sex, yelling, mention of AI generated pictures Authors note: Trans girl Adam Cole Baybay. I have nothing else to say about this fic apart from Cole is "I just like being called a girl while having sex..and also afterwards...and also when I'm being cuddled.....and maybe always but we're not gonna talk about that" and then she has too. A lot of Coles internal thoughts about being trans being "wrong" or her being "broken" comes from my interal thoughts growing up catholic. Still he/him pronouns for Cole though. Read on ao3

Adam’s always thought of gender a bit like a coat that's always been a little too small for him. He slides his arms into the sleeves, watches how they squeeze his muscles into thin, toned muscles and long thick fingers that slide across the buttons as he grows up, squeezing his ribs and chest until the fat around his hips and the scruff of puberty pop out in a way that makes him look masculine. Makes him look like a boy.

In the mirror, Adam stares at himself in the changing room, watching from the corner of his eyes as other boys his age oogle and marvel at each other's bodies- flexing bulging muscles and pulling their boxers tighter to show off their bulges. Adam simply turns his eyes away and curves his shoulders, retreating to the safety of a bathroom stall until gym class has finished.

His sister painted his nails for the first time when he was eight. Adam remembers the smell, the way it almost burned as it wrapped around his brain as the sticky red liquid stained his nail bed. It shimmered under his sister's neon lights and Adam wore it until his father got home from work. The water almost burned his hands as his father stood over him, watching as he scrubbed the nail polish away before sending him to bed, ass as red as the nail polish still staining the bathroom sink.

A few weeks later, his parents sat him and his siblings down in the living room, faces set in a position of understanding. Adam was eight by the time he knew was divorce was, he always blamed himself, sitting on the top step as his parents argued long into the night about who would take what child, they never argued before the nail polish, before Adam had been so stupid to forget his place in the world, to forget his fathers teachings. Boys can't wear makeup or wander through the girls section, running their fingers across the hems of summer dresses and winter coats. Men can't paint their nails.

Adam buries the feeling deep down inside him. In high school, he takes a girl to the prom. His suit doesn't fit right against his body and as he stares up at his prom date, he wonders what it would be like to wear her dress, with its light pink flowers across the sleeves, the dainty blue of the fabric complimenting his tie. He gets crowned prom king, and stands on the stage, under the bright lights eyeing the prom queen sash leaning just off stage form the corner of his eyes. Wondering why Adam Cole: Prom Queen sounded better in his head.

After prom, Adam starts wrestling, finds a twisted sort of comfort in the masculinity in it all, the theatrics and blurring of lines. Adam didn't have to be ultra-masculine, with his self-cut hair and wide blue eyes, people fawned over him. Girls flocked to his crappy hotel rooms from the bars, desperate and eager for a scrap of attention and somewhere between their smudged mascara and parted, lip gloss painted lips, Adam finds a small part of himself.

They call him daddy and a part of him winces, so he simply presses them down further, staring at the smudged makeup left on his sheets long after they leave, he rubs off the lipstick kisses on his dick and stands under the shower long enough for the water to run cold and the mirror to fog up. Adam stares at himself through the cloudy mirror and sighs; wet hair plastered around his face makes it look rounder and for a few seconds a voice in the back of his head goes "there's a pretty girl." Adam shakes his head hard enough it hurts and wakes up aching and mournful for the next show, the next around of girls and the next wave of aching sadness that somehow only stops aching when Adam looks at himself in a fogged up mirror, breaking and mutating his face and frame until it almost looks like the fucked up person he is inside.

Adam's sure a part of his brain is broken; he should love how he loves, should adore women flocking and kneeling at his feet, eager for him to say pretty words to them, to give them a scrap of human affection. But he just isn't. He always wishes to sound like them, to be the one on his knees worshiping another man with his mouth and his body. Sometimes Adam tells the women he's sleeping with that they're "pretty girls'' and Adam's brain rushes with serotonin, floods with dopamine and that's enough to get him to finish and the crash comes harder than ever when he's left alone, a couple of dollars shorter and still filled with longing.

He goes to Japan and becomes a star, letting his self hate and confusion be his guiding light. A small part of his soul dies and comes back, reincarnated wrong and misshapen every night. He shifts and squishes the parts of himself that he doesn't like down, forcing them down as one of his friends stretches him open, whispering that he's a whore into the hot air of the hotel, he smiles and nods, letting everything melt away from his brain.

In all honesty, Adams is not sure why brings it up around Matt one night when it's just the two of them in the hotel room. Matt’s hand is rubbing against the inside of his thigh, trailing around the flexing muscle when Adam breathes out "c-could you call me a girl?" It sounds stupid from the way it comes out, small and shaky and from the wide-eyed stunned look on Matt's face he wasn't expecting it.

"I uh.." Matt starts, his hand stilling on Adam's thigh, fingers suddenly sweaty against the ripped fabric of his jeans. Adam sighs, biting through the inside of his cheek hard enough that it bleeds. He swallows the taste down alongside his desires and shakes his head at Matt slowly. They never talk about it again, Adam never gets to be called a pretty girl during his time in The Elite, just lets whoever wants him open him up, whispering their desires at the space above his head.

Soon, it almost becomes a comfort. Someone fucking into him, gasping at how tight he is, how wet he is around them and then the shuddering feeling of being filled feels like Adam's sticking parts of his soul together. He clings to whoever's inside of him, feeling the way they plunge deeper into him, the squelching of their bodies becomes like a chorus line in his head. Hotel rooms become his heaven, hotel bathrooms become his own personal hell; alone with nothing but his thoughts and the ever longing feeling that he's wrong. Somehow.

Something about Adam Cole is wrong, fundamentally something about him is wrong and broken and twisted. It hangs over his head like a personal stormcloud, painting him in the dark colors of callousness and smugness. Even when he's above the clouds, flying back to the states, Adam's mouth still tastes wrong, something sickly sweet stuck to his throat and something painful gnawing at the bottom of his ribs. The plane rocks in the storm and Adam allows fear to take over, pretending that the splattering of tears and the aching sobs that rattle soundlessly around the empty cave of his ribs is simply fear and not the desire to finally become right in someone's eyes.

It's storming the first night it happens; thunder rolls right above him, shaking the windows of his and Jay's shared hotel room. The rain almost overpowers the rushing of the shower and Adam sits with his back against the wall, trembling. Lightning highlights his trembling form as Jay returns from the shower dressed in his hoodie, she smiles down at him, her lips thinner without the piercings. Something in Cole stirs deeply as another rush of thunder paints the blues of his eyes with fear. "Hey the storm will pass promise" Jay whispers, kneeling in front of her suitcase as she fixes her hearing aids, fishing something out with her free hand.

"You're wearing my hoodie" Cole says instead of believing Jay's words. There's something pooling at the bottom of his stomach when Jay turns to him and nods, holding out and shuffling a pack of cards, there's small fingerprints on the corner of the cards, her nimble fingers still shower-wet and her chest still softly blanched, Adam trails the pinkness down until his hoodie cuts it off, just above her breasts. He swallows a little thickly and yelps, tucking back into himself when another round of thunder rocks the room.

"Hey." Cole stares down at Jay's feet, bare and blurry from behind his tears and he doesn't even remember when she stood up, there's a card stuck to her heel and when Jay shifts on her feet, Cole spots it's the queen of hearts. He smiles to himself, twitching his fingers against his knees as lightning flashes across the starry night sky. "Adam." Adam feels Jay's fingertips brush against the curve of his jaw and his breath halts in his throat, his chest stills and the tears fade for long enough to stare into Jay's mismatched eyes as she cups his chin in her hand and whispers

"Dance with me."

Cole raises an eyebrow, his lips twisting into a small smile. One that's as quick and fleeting as the lightning that paints itself across the sky, He hide his face in her hands, breathing in the smell of her hand lotion until he feels the ring-worn tips itch across the stubble on his cheek and Adam can't help but follow her movement, letting his eyes trail slowly up until he's staring at her, lost in the emotion that floats in Jay’s like a burning fire and Adam, reaches up taking the hand that Jay outstretches.

He stares at her and takes her hand slowly. The world seems to shift under Adam's feet as Jay positions his hands; one resting against the curve on her hip, fingers interlocking and he stares down at their feet; bare and cold as they shift over scattered playing cards that once held all their attention. "That's it, you're doing great Adam." Jay whispers, voice gentle that it almost gets lost in the roar of the rain against the covered windows. Adam relishes in the praise, tilting his head back against the moonlit spotlight, watching the silver glow as it dances between the clouds, following their movements.

He feels his thighs press against the metal of the bed and Adam can't help the cautious glance back at the still fresh sheets before turning his attention back to Jay, staring at her with a million questions. The grip on her hip tightens, the pressure in Adam's chest grows and when he watches Jay glance at his lips, it explodes. Her lips taste of butterscotch and ramen noodles and Adam tilts his head downwards, relishing in the fact that she's kissing back, Jay bites his lip and Adam gasps into the pain, letting it twist around his brain. Adam's weak and prey-like in Jay's hands, putty for her to mold into whatever she wants. There's no fight for dominance when Jay slides her tongue into his mouth, nails leaving crescent moons in the skin under his shirt.

Adam paws at the stolen hoodie when his back collides with the bedside table, free hand pirouetting in the freefall until his body collides with the mattress. Jay's weight feels right as it presses into his hips as the two of them breathe the same air, fanning out raspy want against each other's kiss-swollen lips. "Do you want this?" Jay asks and Adam can't remember the last time someone asked.

He stares at her, shifts under her weight and needily rolls his hips against the inside of her thigh, he's hard already and before Adam would think he's being pathetic; being needy and begging silently as someone stares down at him with a glimmer of lust in their eyes. He bites his bottom lip, feels skin stick to his tooth as he breathes in, surging up to steal a kiss, soft and gentle before he nods. "Yes."

Jay smiles, whispering "good boy" against his lips and Adam feels something in his head start thumping, pounding and sending pleasure skating down his spine; it's cold as it tangles like vines around each vertebrae, shifting them into a straight line, making Adam's head roll back as Jay's lips start decorating him in soft kisses, he can feel the chill of her skin as against his as she strips away his shirt, revealing him pounding heart and twitching stomach to the lightning. Adam only flinches when Jay's weight leaves him and he hears her knees collide with the floor.

There's silence in the hotel room for a few seconds as Jay's hands rest against his thighs, fingers itching at the knots just under his skin. "Yeah?" Jay asks, wanting to clarify once again as everything teethers on a thin edge between friendship and something that Adam doesn't quite understand. He nods anyway, lifting his hips with a needily high-pitched whine that makes Jay laugh against the skin just above his cock.

Adam follows her lips across his thighs, kissing at his knees before her tongue darts out to lick against the tip of his throbbing cock. Adam barely spots Jay raising a hand off his hip as his eyes close as bliss spreads warmth throughout his body. He's floating and the lump in the back of his head thaws like an iceberg; it trickles down Adam's jawline until it floods his mouth, pressing against his lips. Jay's mouth is warm and wet and Adam's mouth is dry when he gasps out "daddy please more-!"

There's a soft huff around his cock and he barely has time to rise onto his elbows before Jay is pulling off, the tip of his tongue tracing a vein. She looks at Adam with something in her mismatched eyes, her lips twitch into a small smile and the hand clinging to his wrist squeezes. "My girl likes that huh?" She says, the smile turning into a smirk and Adam feels like he could cum without her touching him again.

Girl. He's her girl. Adam feels his mouth hang open in a gasp, one that's greedy and eager. His cock twitched neglected against his stomach, sweat pooling under his arms. He's silent and floaty. He's a girl and Adam nods quickly, swallowing thickly just to fill the silence in the hotel room. Jay isnt looking at him the way Matt did, her eyes are soft despite the blown out pupils and her fingers and massaging at the back of his hand, itching against the flames of his tattoo as they lick against his wrist.

"yes sir..." Adam says just to fill the silence, melting into the mattress as Jay returns herself to his side as she kisses him softly, fingers tugging his hair at the roots.

The rest of the night is a hazy bliss filled with acceptance and soon Adam starts chasing the high again. Jay pins him against empty corridor walls breathing out how good he's being as Adam cums onto the floor, he stares at Jay with eyes flooded with euphoria and she smiles, licking his cum off her fingers as she kisses him, whispering "You're such a good girl, now c'mon clean it up." Giggling when Cole sinks onto his knees to kiss the inside of his thighs.

The two of them fall into a routine, winning matches together, Jay carrying the team, whispering how proud she is in Adam's ear then letting him pull her backstage, hands already finding themselves in her hair. Their bodies move in quick frantic paces, Adam chasing and sinking his teeth in the euphoria, letting Jay hold him as he sinks down from his high, whispering softness into his ear before tucking himself back inside his ring tights and letting Jay wander towards the locker room, wearing the beard rash as a gift.

During the night, Jay tells Adam secrets, brings up memories from their time in CZW and Adam wonders if Jay remembers the accidents that decorate the scars on her body, and wonders if the two of them were destined to meet. Or if the burning in Adam's chest is simply what he felt sleeping with the women all those years ago; just lipstick kisses that Adam can rub away off his skin, barely tracing the outline before he rubs the pinkness away.

But Jay doesn't disappear like the women of Adam's past; she stays like the Florida heat, floating over Adam's head and keeping him warm. So warm that under her eyes his skin bristles, sweat tangles into his hair and he spends longer and longer in the shower after shows, trying to wash the heat away, the water turns cold and Adam wonders what this feeling is, this self-sacrificing dangerous feeling. Like Jay could carve Adam's heart out with her bare hands and Adam would let her, smiling all the way as he follows the blood twisting around the delicate dents of her wrists, the scars on her arms.

He shuts the shower off and rubs a hand across his chest, a small part of his brain surprised to feel his heart still pounding away under his chest, he listens to it as water chills against his skin, and he's sure in the easily broken silence of the locker room shower, his heart is calling Jay's name.

Adam thinks this is what love feels like and fear bristles under his skin. He dries off and spots Jay waiting for him, she's scrolling on her phone and Adam sees the bright colors of a game shimmer against her eyes. "What ya doing?" He asks, chuckling when Jay jolts in surprise.

"My cousin showed me something, it's a filter thing that changes your face. Like it makes you look like a gal" Jay smiles a little, shifting up the clothing box as Adam sits down, their shoulders press together and Adam feels his chest start to deepen as her phone loads a picture and Adam feels his stomach drop. He looks at the face reflecting back at him on the phone screen and he twists his hands together.

"Huh..." Is all that Adam can remember saying. He stares at the person on the phone and swallows; the soft round eyes stained with makeup, bottom lips jutted out in a small pout. Adam thinks she looks perfect, beautiful. She looks like how he imagines himself. He shakes himself from inside his own mind and looks over at Jay, pushing a smile onto his face. "What app is that?"

That's the only thing that stays the same. Jay comes and goes, appears on the main roster, Adam leaves for AEW and finds himself in old friends. He fills himself with anger and bitterness. But the app still stays on his phone, pictures stay hidden on his phone and Adam pretends not to love the look on the fake-Adam's face whenever he looks at them. He turns his phone off and locks his fantasies away with the AI generated makeup and the shimmer of soft curling hair.

Months turn to a year and Jay turns up again. They fall in love again, Adam finds his place settled snugly in a polycule, the center of a little universe that people look at with gentleness and confusion. It makes Adams stomach flutter and as he lays his head down slowly on the pillows, he stares up at Wheeler, eyebrows furrowing when he pulls his shirt over his head.

"What happened to your chest?" Cole asks, pointing at the scars under Wheeler's pecs. He doesn't mean to pry but when Wheeler pats Cole on the shoulder, there's something unspoken between the two friends; Wheeler's smile is well-worn and he tells the story like it's something he's memorized.

"They're top surgery scars. I'm trans." He chuckles at Cole's confused face, ruffling his hair. "I was born a girl but I never really felt like a girl. My parents always thought I was a "tomboy" and it turns out I was just a guy." He shrugs, rubbing Cole's cheeks when his blue eyes drop to the floor of the hotel room. "It's a bit like..." He pauses, opening his mouth before to take a breath before Cole butts in mumbling

"Visiting your childhood home after someone else has moved in? Your body feels different but like..."

"It's the wrong house for the right person, yeah." Wheeler smiles, patting Cole's leg. The two of them spend the rest of the night speaking, Cole listening intently to everything his boyfriends boyfriend has to say. Cole never mentions his sister painting his nails or the acceptance he felt in knowing that whatever was wrong with him had a name, that Cole wasn't broken. Just a ghost haunting the halls of a house long since changed.

"I've got a lot of bad shit that I'm taking to my grave." Cole starts one Wednesday before the show. He's meant to be in a tag match with Kenny and Hangman against FTR, They have matching gear but as Cole sits in the empty male locker room, everything feels off, like Coles picked up a bag that's too heavy for him to carry and its pulling everything down from his shoulders, turning him inside out until Adam isn't sure what he's saying. He purposely ignores the reflection in the mirror, the ghost of Adam Cole staring back at him as he fiddles with the new leather jacket and pulls out the laces of his boots.

Jay stares at him through the reflection in the mirror, eyebrows pinched up in confusion; hands fiddling with the pockets of her ring jacket, Adam admits to himself silently that he's a little jealous of how her ring bra cups her breasts, the way the pink latex makes them the center of attention, highlighting her tattoos under her breasts, the ones across her shoulders. He looks down at his own body, still hidden under the brown cotton fabric of his civilian clothes. He knows they're running late, that their match is next but the idea of taking his clothes off, looking at himself in the mirror or from the corner of his eyes makes him feel sick. He stays frozen on the chair in the empty locker room twisting his ring trunks and leather jacket around his fingers.

There's silence between them and Cole swallows thickly, pressing his knuckle between his eyes. He feels like he wants to cry.

"Everything's wrong."

"Does it not fit? Is the jacket too tight, I don't think people would care if you're wearing your black one sweetheart. if it's not the right color we can get Claudio to sew something on there quick, Maybe a little Adam Cole si-"

Cole raises his head so quickly it makes him dizzy. "You're not listening!" His voice comes out louder than what he intended it too but Adam feels like the words are just vomiting out his mouth, his stomach feels empty with every word he says. "Everything is wrong. Its not the fucking ring gear!" He has to pace, wincing a little at the sound of leather hitting the floor. "It's not right!"

"What's not right Adam? I don't understand." Jay follows him with her eyes, running a hand through shortcut curls, Adam knows she would understand if he just admitted it to her, He sees Jay glance up at the clock on the wall, biting the inside of her cheek and everything Adam's ever felt rises to just under his skin and he picks at it like a thorn.

"I want to be a girl!" The thorn pops through his skin and Adam feels faint, empty as he slumps against the wall until his ass collides with the cold, dirty floor. He hides his face in his hands, swatting an empty water bottle away. "I want to be a girl." He whispers, softer this time and when he swallows, it feels like he's trying to shove himself back into his lungs. He can't look at Jay, so he stares everywhere else in a locker room that wasn't made for him.

"Oh." Cole hears Jay whisper, voice as soft as a summer's wind and Adam shakes his head, pushing his tears away as he curls deeper into himself again.

There's worry across his face when he finally looks up and stares into Jay's eyes. It's a position he remembers being in , a long time ago where she held his vulnerability in his hands and cupped it so gently it looked like she was Death carrying a soul towards the afterlife. "You hate me- fuck you hate me and I get it! I get it I understand you hate me fuck, I'm sorry I'm sorry!"

He feels her fingers under his chin, rubbing tears off the dimples in his cheeks. He follows her fingers, follows the tattoo up her arm and feels the corner of his lips twitch when Jay cups his cheeks, wiping tears away before whispering

"How could I hate such a pretty girl?"

Jay smiles and Cole smiles back, snuggling his face into her hand. "You don't hate me?" His voice is rough, still wet with tears as he searches Jay's face for any hint of a joke.

"Never. I love you." Jay whispers and Adam finally settles into that feeling that he's always chased through sex and pixel fantasies.

Acceptance.

"You've always been a little bit of a princess."

Princess. Adam likes that.

taglist: @allelitesmut @homoeroticgrappling @dustinslovehandles @paradoxunknown @katries @mrsmatt @echoxshxrx @malewifemoxley @kass-the-kitten @itsnoosetome @racerchix21 @chuckstaylors @jacedoe @mandiableclaw @tahiri-veyla

#adam cole #wheeler yuta #the polycule #trans femme adam cole #mouse writes

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timetravelingsherlockian · 6 months

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A System (TM): The non-definitive guide for dealing with dysphoria regardless of medical choices

Someone asked how one deals with dysphoria. The comment was too long for the reply box.

Long comment incoming...I have some gender fluidity going on, so I get buffeted from both sides (likely I tend towards masc, so it doesn't hit too hard).

I...uh...perform a good bit of mental jujitsu on the thoughts. It's gotta get through multiple layers of pre-prepared lifestyle choices, cognitive-behavioral thinking, mindfulness, rationalization, cultivating patience, disassociation, and spite before it really hits me.

Lifestyle Choices:

I'm out everywhere. If someone calls me something else or treats me in another way, they're either misinformed or being dicks about it. If they're the former, I either correct or move on with my day. If the latter, not worth my time. Any hurt I instill in myself from their dickishness is me brandishing their weapon against myself. Moving on.

Keep your friends supportive and your family as supportive as possible. If they can't be supportive, they don't get to know your business.

Don't explain shit.

I don't wear anything that makes me uncomfortable, and I wear the things I wish I wore when I was younger. All the dresses are out of my closet. None of the pants are too tight, and I have a few cut in a masc style, when I feel like it. My clothes don't cling in ways I'm not happy with. I have the good ol' standby dysphoria sweatshirt.

I get any aids I need to for myself. I go to a barber shop for my hair, and I make sure to get it cut when it's long. I've got a binder if I need it, packers, mascara in my cabinet drawer for facial hair. Pronoun pins (that I never wear, but it's nice to have them in my pocket to touch). I carry a knife like a lot of guys where I'm from do.

I try to keep everything else in my life in-shape. Think about dysphoria like a bad knee. If you don't get enough sleep, or you're eating garbage, or you're overtaxing yourself -- that knee's gonna hurt first, before anything else, because it's sensitive. If I'm getting a really bad bout, I check in with everything else first.

Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy:

I check disturbing thoughts against questions like, "if a friend told me this, what would I say to them?" "is the thought reasonable?"

If I spot words like "always" or "never", I flag them & try to re-word them in a less-extreme way, and I bring up counter-examples. E.g. "You'll never pass." becomes "are you sure, never*? That seems a bit harsh.* [check the facts] Even cisgender people get mistaken for the other gender, so even random chance says it'll happen at least once." >> "I'll almost-never pass." >> "Are you sure? Because the guy at the coffee shop says 'hey man!' every time you walk in. He's either clocked you (thus, you're being encouraged & accepted) or he genuinely thinks there's a man in there, somewhere." >> etc.

I think back to other times I've had the thought/experience and survived it. E.g. "What if I'm not really trans?" >> "...dude. You've been asking yourself that for around 3 years. You asked yourself that, then some cashier called you 'sir' and you clung to that in your little heart for most of the morning like a starving man with bread. That is not very cisgender behavior. Don't you think it would've worn off by now?"

I seek out others' diverse experiences. E.g. I feel embarrassed sometimes about sewing, but I know a guy whose literal degree is in costuming. I ain't calling him less of a man for that. Why am I bringing that on myself?

How is this thought functioning in my head? E.g. If I call myself pathetic, do I really think I'm pathetic, or do I want to curl up and sleep and "pathetic" is the quickest way to demotivate me to my bed? Why not not call myself "pathetic", and just treat myself nice and rest instead?

Mindfulness:

"It's just a thought." "It's just a sensation." "This is a sensation [reflect back the sensation to the spot of the sensation, so it knows you heard it]." Know that a thought or sensation is independent of a gender. (Gender is like "the flame unbound.")

Watch the sensation, feel the way your body reacts to it, and don't feed the beast. Just watch. Imagine yourself in a zoo, with a nice big trench between you and the animals. The flesh and thoughts will do their own thing, but you're safely protected from them.

Reality is reality is reality. As Galileo said, when the church insisted their doctrine otherwise, "and yet, it moves." You can think whatever thoughts you have. Other people can say any words they can form their mouths around. Your body can shiver and throb and become nauseated and ache -- None of these change what your gender is. Your gender is the vessel (which sometimes may change itself), and the experiences flow through it.

Rationalization:

"This is dysphoria. This is just what happens when you're brain's expecting one thing and your body's expecting something else."

"It sucks, but you're going to have to deal with it for X long, so you might as well try not to suffer twice by feeding into it."

"Yeah, sometimes it's gonna hurt and/or feel humiliating. Oh well. That's not gonna change your gender; you have other things to worry about."

"My gender can take care of itself right now."

Cultivating Patience:

This is going to take X number of years, or I'm going to have to live with a certain thing for t long. That's just the way things work.

No body is stagnant and without change. No perception is stagnant and without change. Ergo, this feeling of dysphoria, as are all things, is temporary.

See how you feel in 10 minutes/30 minutes/the afternoon/tomorrow. And then you can use an additional coping skill. (My genderfluidity makes this one even more flexible, but thoughts and feelings are themselves mercurial.)

Disassociation:

Read a book.

Scroll through social media (generally not trans content, because that can feed it, but sometimes trans content).

Write.

Walk outside.

Do some laundry.

Vacuum (I hate the vacuum noise, but now I'm bitching about that instead).

Deal with the other aforementioned life tasks that have you stuck here.

Sleep.

Give yourself some time to laze around in bed and just drift.

Go find some friends or call your most-talkative friend with a bunch of petty problems (when you're around other people, you can focus on them and not your gender).

Spite:

I know that there are trans people who've lost years of their lives because of the pain their dysphoria has caused them. I've lost evenings/afternoons/experiences from it too. I have no idea what my middleschool and highschool life would've been if I'd just known, or not had to deal with it. That being said, I'll be damned if it keeps me in bed and losing my life.Sometimes that means showering with my eyes open and the lights on when I don't want to (sometimes, what I see isn't that bad, and it's my head that was worse). Sometimes that means forcing myself out of bed and stumbling around in my comfort hoodie and sweats with my head down -- but at least I'm getting groceries or something.

People who hate trans people getting healthcare generally want to see us go away/disappear/not exist -- some folks by any means necessary. Them holding up care is to make our lives harder and for us to go away. Fuck them. Fuck the state systems. I'm not spending 2+ years bemoaning not looking or sounding like I want to stay home and not do something, just because I'm going to have to wait.

This is a system I've built up over a number of years, listening to bunches of trans peoples' experiences, and going to school for actual psychology. But it works pretty well, and I started at a low-dysphoria place to begin with, so I've been able to tackle symptoms as they've arisen, largely.

(I just realized this is the meme where the ADHD person says they don't have trouble with losing things because they have A System, and the neurotypical person has no idea what A System is...and the A System is itself a signal the person has ADHD. So. I don't have dysphoria. I have A System.)

I will say the dysphoria I deal with now isn't from the same sources I've dealt with in the past, largely. A number of sources I didn't realize made me dysphoric until they went away (or I'd quietly phased them out of my life without realizing it). I also like what Abigail Thorn says about dysphoria: It doesn't exist. Not that the sensations or dissatisfaction isn't there, but that the gap between who one imagines themself to be and who one is is a gap all people have to deal with, not just trans people. Cis people feel the same sort of self-consciousness when a cis woman grows hair on her face as a trans woman. You are not alone, and the systems and circumstances of history have merely added different labels to the universal struggles.

And then I like to pay attention to what does make me happy.

#trans #queer #nonbinary #my writing #dysphoria #dysphoria tips #I have A System (TM)

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kittymeow180 · 11 months

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My favorite color is green. I play violin, though not very well. I love dogs, and volunteer at an animal shelter. I'm into sci fi and my favorite author is Ursula K. LeGuin.

And I also happen to be a FTM transgender man.

Ever since I was 10, before i even knew why, I hated my body. For years of my life, I had daydreams of taking a kitchen knife to my chest and cutting off the breasts. I tried to kill myself twice.

That changed 3 years ago. I realized I was trans and bought myself a binder.

When it's on, I feel relief. I dont think of the kitchen knife.

But after 8 hours, I have to take it off.

I plan on getting top surgery so this relief can stay.

I should note- this isn't about sexism or anything of the sort. Both my parents were outspoken feminists, and I've been fortunate enough to always live in progressive areas.

This is about people. And if transitioning can keep people like me from killing themselves? I'm all for it.

maybe try and think about why the only way you can ever feel comfortable and not want to kill yourself is to spend thousands on surgery

this didnt make the point you thought it would i just feel bad dude, this doesnt make me change my mind this just proves it further. im sorry you've been told the only way to not hate your body is to change it. im sorry you believe your only options are to change yourself or commit suicide.

dude we dont tell people insecure with their body that they should starve themself so they can finally be happy with it, we tell them they have anorexia. this shouldnt be the same for you. if someone is experiencing gender dysphoria to the point where they consider suicide maybe we should look at the root of the problem instead of validating the idea that people will never be happy unless they get surgery.

capitalism is so fucking evil for telling people they'll kill themself without surgery. if gender isnt real and is just a construct why are you suffering so much from it? and who is benefitting from it? its capitalism and the patriarchy. they are benefitting from your insecurity and making sure you stay insecure.

#ask #radblr #gender critical

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evebsreviews · 10 months

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Wandering Son - 2002

Where do i start?

Takako Shimura’s 'Wandering Son' is beautiful manga that tackles growing up as a trans kid. The story follows Shuichi Nitori as he goes through life and experiences various feeling of gender dysphoria. As someone who is somewhat transgender, this manga hit incredibly close to home, and if you are trans yourself i cannot recommend this manga more. I'll nudge you to check the manga out before reading this review, as it will have some spoilers. You can read it free on mangadex.

Now, without further adieu, let’s get into what makes this manga so good.

First, I want to compliment Takako Shimura’s artstyle. Scenes often have no background, and if they do, it’s very simplistic. This places more focus on the characters, which of course are the main driving force of manga such as this. I also love the watercolor covers for each volume; their design expands on the cozy vibe of the manga.

Speaking of the vibe, 'Wandering Son' beautifully depicts how it feels to be a young trans person. Although it may be a bit rose-tinted, it’s still outstanding for being written by a cis woman. Shuichi is often depicted pondering his gender identity at night and we see him become slowly more dysphoric as he matures.

Of course Shuichi is not the only lead. Yoshino Takatsuki takes the role of a deuteragonist early on, and is unfortunately slightly phased out of the spotlight later on. She is the transmasc to Shuichi’s transfem, but unlike Shuichi, she doesn't remain trans for the entire story. This kind of feels like a copout, because she outwardly presents masculine for years and even wishes she had a penis at one point, but I'm not going to pretend like that never happens to people. Gender identity can shift over time and it’s important to have a depction of that.

Now, despite the praise I've given this manga, it definitely has flaws.

In chapter 12, Takatsuki gets sexually assaulted by an adult, which is very out of place and sudden in a manga like this. This never gets adressed again and the character who assaulted her never has any consequences.

Shuichi’s partner, Anna, ends up very underutilized in the grand scheme of things, which is sad, as i think her character is one of the most interesting ones in the manga. Despite that, her indifference to Shuichi’s transness is what leads to one of the most impactful panels (at least to me) in the last chapter.

This panel hits you like a brick by the end. The last chapter focuses on Shuichi detailing his experience throughout the manga through his eyes. We are shown the good and bad, everything that has happened to him so far. And right at the end, we see him finally come out as transgender to Anna. Her reaction is of pure acceptance, all she asks him is “Does that mean I'll be a lesbian?” showing that no matter what, she still loves him.

'Wandering Son' has become one of my all-time favourite manga since i’ve read it and it’s a huge shame that Takako Shimura’s work is severely underrated. Regardless of it’s flaws, i think it’s one of the best manga depictions of transgender themes i’ve read. If you still haven’t read it (despite my suggestion in the opening) i genuinely think you should at least give it a try.

And with that, my first review comes to a close. Hope you liked reading it! The next one will be up at some point, i’m planning on doing one of evangelion but if you have suggestions, submit them! I'll at least try to look over any suggestions.

#review #manga #trans pride #trans rights #transgender #transfem #transmasc #transfemme #trans man #trans women #happy pride 🌈#pride #lgbtqia #pride month #pride month 2023 #wandering son #takako shimura

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m4gp13 · 10 months

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@altorringtons K so I know I brushed over T4T ethabaster in your ask but I've managed to compile most/some of my hcs for them.

Ethan was sort of aware his gender was a little loopy from an earlier age and started presenting more masculine from a young age without really being aware of what he was doing (lmao irls remember being nine and not knowing being trans was a thing and J started going by max several years before coming out? yeah that probably should have been a hint) So when he was fairly young in camp he kept his hair short and went by Ethan while barely being aware that he was a boy and not just a tomboy, which is how Annabeth recognised him in the labyrinth years later.

He only discovered being trans was an actual thing after he left camp and started doing research into Greek mythology (due to meeting his mum) which is when he discovered the trans people in mythology and later on, the ones in real life too, and figured out what was actually going on with him.

Sometimes I hc Al as having never been to camp and sometimes I hc him as having met Ethan at camp but I prefer the first one so we're gonna go with that.

He's always been a weird kid with the autism gendery stuff so gender was always a kind of vague thing for him. Growing up a bit and finding out that being trans is a thing he had his own little "yeah, that makes sense" moment and was delighted when he found out about genderqueer stuff. It wasn't until he started experimenting by trying to present more masc and going by masculine terms of address that he was like "Oh I am doing this!" It just felt so right to him that he knew it was who he was.

Al is not above using divine magic for personal comfort and used his mistform magic to make a binder that essentially functioned as a magic ether locker from TKC to give himself a flat chest with none of the usual drawbacks of wearing a binder, just the regular stuff that comes with any underwear worn on the chest i.e. uncomfortable shoulder straps or red lines on the skin.

I feel like for Al, the euphoria of presenting more masc was a much stronger draw to transition than the dysphoria of presenting femme so he doesn't mind occasionally presenting slightly femme leaning with stuff like wearing his hair longer, wearing traditionally feminine clothes/jewellery, going without the magic binder for a day or so. He's got strong anarchist tendencies so he's not going to let someone or something else tell him what being masculine is and what being feminine is. He's going to make his own definition of masculinity that suits him.

For Ethan, the gender euphoria was a massive pull factor but the dysphoria was also a significant push factor so he was more keen to do things like permanent physical transition. He wore whatever he could use as a binder during his years on the run and jumped at the chance to get Triumvirate Sponsored top surgery when he joined the army and even got started on T.

Getting surgery after joining the army was probably the best thing to happen to him in terms of his health because before that, his binding habits were Bad.

As in, if pre-TA Ethan went to Tartarus, the scariest thing down there would have been his binding habits. My boy does not know how to look after himself, it's a miracle he made it to seventeen.

But yeah, when he joined the army and started working in close proximity to Al, they both took one look at each other and connected their brains via the trans Bluetooth hive-mind network and didn't exactly know what was up but they got the vibe.

They did eventually start talking to each other enough to find out and got the "yeah that makes sense" thing and started talking about gender and transition together.

Al, slightly spoiled by his magic bag-of-holding binder, was horrified by Ethan's old binding habits and was front-lining the effort to get Ethan whatever physical transition would help him, if just to keep him alive.

Each other's gender was the most fascinating thing to them and they were both deeply invested in the other's transition. Ethan was very impressed (and slightly jealous) of Al's magic binder and Al took great interest in Ethan's physical transition stuff like surgery and HRT because he was really interested in how it worked and the physical and mental effects they had on Ethan.

Ethan started going by the name Ethan from a fairly young age and Al always assumed that Ethan was just his chosen name. But no. Ethan was a nickname derived from his chosen name, a chosen name that Ethan sorely regretted a few years after bribing a hacker to get his government name changed to Ethanol.

He likes to pretend that phase of his life just never happened but he'd be lying if he said he didn't admire Al's steadfast resolve and confidence in his chosen name of Alabaster C. Torrington.

What does the C stand for? Ask again in a week and it will have changed.

Alabaster, after Luke got Kronified, was the most powerful demigod in the hierarchy of the Titan Army and Ethan was an extremely high-ranking member who often acted as Kronos' right-hand man. If someone gives them shit for their genders or sexualities you know they are gonna be getting a talk from their higher-ups.

Ethan is all about balance and equality so if he catches so much as a ripple on the wind of inequality in the army he works in, he's going to ensure that gets sorted out and while Al isn't such a Nemesis evangelical, he's going the be the shadow over Ethan's shoulder enforcing his will.

While I don't have canon confirmation of this I know in my heart it's true that demigods are gonna be more likely to be LGBTQ+ and while in the army, Ethan and Al were responsible for the cracking of many a young trans egg. They were like the cool older brothers of the younger queer demis in the army and some kids considered them like the dads of the army because sometimes they did banter and bicker like an old married couple.

Emotionally constipated Ethan acts more like the bad cop who knows exactly what's up with Kronos and just wants to keep all the younger ones in line so if they get in trouble, they get in trouble from him and not from a Titan or monster that will be much tougher on them. He's very good at telling it like it is, cutting through the bullshit and recognising things they might too young to see. It becomes kind of like an unspoken rule that if you're seriously questioning something about your identity, tell him because he will just lay it all out as blatantly as possible.

Al is more of the good cop between them because he has experience with kids from being the surrogate father for his younger siblings and he likes to be the life of the party for them. He has so much love for the little kids looking up to him and feels very much responsible for them and wants to live up to their admiration. He's the one to go to if you want to have fun and experiment with some things in your life/presentation.

Al liked to hang out with the Aphrodite kids a lot and taught them some basic magic stuff in exchange for teaching him things like makeup. He likes to mix this with his magic and can get makeup looks that would put a drag show to shame and overshadow every image uploaded to pinterest since its inception. He uses it for art, fun and to play with his presentation. He rejects the idea that excessive and elaborate makeup has to be inherently feminine and in a way it's like his way of reclaiming the feminity forced on him as a kid and turning it into masculinity that he can feel comfortable in.

(Sometimes when he's in the mood for it, Ethan will let him do his makeup too. Nothing as extravagant and colourful as Al's but those eyeliner wings are sharper than any weapon he owns.)

Ethan takes his T via injections and Alabaster, fearless General that he is, used to get really squeejed out by it.

Al always used to get T via gels or creams but when Ethan started taking injections Al forced himself to get over his heebie-jeebies to help him out and eventually started taking injections as well because he finds it more convenient.

(Also sorry this took literally forever, sometimes I'll stick something in my queue where it will sit for literal months but I do hope this is satisfactory.)

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sharpth1ng · 6 months

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(WARNING cause I mention body dysphoria?). Hi, I'm a Trans man (AFAB) and I hope this question doesn't make you uncomfortable or insults you, I'm just always struggling and wondering if how I feel is wrong... I read Debaser both the trans and the cis version. I haven't had surgery yet and thought the trans version would make me more comfortable but somehow it triggered my body dysphoria more? :( I know not every trans person has body dysphoria but moments like these I always wonder "am I faking it?? Am I really trans??" and it makes me feel bad for prefering the cis version since that's how I want to be...? Idk :( halp. If you don't feel comfortable with my ask please feel free to ignore it 🫶

Hey, so I just want to say there's nothing wrong with preferring the cis version. I started writing Debaser as the cis version because I was extremely dysphoric at the time and I kept writing that version in case I became dysphoric again. Sometimes I only want to read content with trans people, but sometimes I can't, and I think for me that comes from the fact that I experience two types of dysphoria.

The first type mostly comes from the fact that our bodies are represented in unnecessarily binary, gendered ways, and from the fact that society devalues bodies that aren't cis, white, thin, or abled. This can make me feel like other people still see me as a woman because of my body parts, or that they see me as a broken or lesser man. The solution to this, at least for me, has been to consume and make art that depicts trans bodies like mine having a good time and being treated like desirable people in ways that align with their gender, regardless of what body parts they have.

Before I had top surgery this helped me a lot. I could look at trans men with tits who I saw as attractive men, and it helped me look at my own body and not immediately think "womanwomanwoman" because of my chest.

There's still the other type of dysphoria though and this one is harder to deal with (at least for me). This one has nothing to do with how people treat me or how I am seen, and everything to do with the fact that some of my body parts feel wrong or feel missing. It was helpful to deal with the social stigma of having tits, and to learn to process my chest as something that was male too, but it didn't take away the wrong feeling of having them. I could have lived the rest of my life in a box, unseen by anyone, and I still would have wanted top surgery. I didn't get it to be seen as more male by others, I got it so that I could feel like myself in my own body.

Not everyone is going to experience both of these (or either of them) and there are probably people who experience this in an entirely different way. But for me these things are the difference between feeling like explicit trans media is affirming or not. If you are experiencing the social stigma kind of dysphoria, then it might be helpful. Writing trans debaser was good for me in this way because I haven't seen a lot of trans men depicted the way I've depicted Billy, especially in fan-fiction and in smut, and that helped me to change the way I see myself a bit as well.

But I still experience the other kind of dysphoria too, and I've had top surgery, I've been on hormones, but I'm not planning on having bottom surgery, and that's hard. This has nothing to do with the way my body is seen by others and everything to do with the body part it feels like i'm missing. And again, I could live the rest of my life in a box and never fuck again but I would still have bottom dysphoria at times.

Normalizing my body and valuing other trans bodies helps, but only to a point. I look at trans men with surgery, with no surgery, with hormones or no hormones and I feel absolutely feral because I'm gay and those are hot men. Their bodies are hot male bodies regardless of what parts they have. That can help me understand that other people can still look at me and see a desirable man regardless of parts but it doesn't change the internal experience I have with my own body when I'm feeling this kind of dysphoria.

When feeling this way I don't necessarily want to consume or create explicit stuff with transmasc bodies, even when it is written in a way I would find affirming in another mood. Sometimes I just need to read about people with the bodies I felt like I was supposed to have and forget my own body for a little while.

The reality is that dysphoria is different for everyone and at least for me it fluctuates. Things that trigger it at one time may not trigger it at another. It's ok to not want to read explicit trans content, and it's ok to prefer content with cis folks right now. You need to take care of yourself and listen to your brain, and if its not safe for your brain to read this kind of content then avoid it as long as you need to. If and when you do feel safe, I suggest trying out some content with trans folks (whether or not thats my content), because it really does help to break down that social stigma dysphoria, but it's also ok if it never feels safe to do that.

And in terms of the worry that you're faking it or not really trans I just want to say thats a really simple question to answer and you're the only one who can answer it. Do you identify with the gender you were assigned at birth? If not, then you can identify as trans. You might even still identify with parts of it and that’s ok too (shout out to the trans masc lesbians and the femme trans men who still feel an attachment to womanhood) Your gender is allowed to change as many times as it needs to, and the way you feel about your body is allowed to change too.

Anyways this has been really long, but yeah. Its ok if trans Debaser didn't feel affirming to you, it means nothing about your gender identity. I do try to have as many disclaimers on that version as possible, I want people to be able to make informed choices to keep themselves safe, and that's because I recognize that no one depiction is going to feel affirming to every transmasc, and that's ok.

I hope you're doing alright, there's nothing wrong with the way you feel 🖤

#tw dysphoria #body dysphoria #transition #surgery mention #debaser fanfic #ask

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