#( it is my weekend & i will waste it on my coping mechanisms if i WANNA ) | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

acrobaticcatfeline · 5 years

Text

Where Do the Broken Hide? (Song Fic)

Word Count: 1332

TW: cursing, a lot of it, suicidal thoughts and actions, abuse implied, alcohol mentioned, neglect, open ending that either hints at good or bad, let me know if I missed anything!!!

Notes: Uh I wanted to write and I listened to generation why by Conan Gray and was inspired? I’m fine I promise. Also I just noticed that I gave Logan the same last name as the artist. Huh.

Pairings: platonic Logan and... spoilers.

Summary: ‘Logan Gray was laying in bed, staring at his ceiling, and thinking about… life.’ Logan was tired of a life where nothing changed or mattered. so he grabbed his bags and his best friend and left to something new. Would they ever come back? Maybe. Who knows?

I was off keying cars parked on radium lawns By suburbian moms I called a friend, "Let's meet at ten" Go wherever we want 'cause no one cares that we're gone

Logan Gray was laying in bed, staring at his ceiling, and thinking about… life. And how meaningless it is, he truly believed no one would notice if his generation just dropped dead or disappeared. Heck, last weekend he had smashed in headlights of cars in the staff parking lot of his school with his best friend, and no one did anything. They didn’t get caught, there was no mention in class, just disgusted looks thrown in the direction of any kid who made a sound. If they had gotten in trouble, at least something would be different, but the dragging boredom he and his friend felt never ebbed away. They spent weekends in their rooms in silence and they went to school, the monotony of it had made Logan consider… disappearing. Just him and Virgil and no one else knowing, and he threw that idea out because what he craved was importance and if he left, his parents wouldn’t bat an eye.

He turned in his bed and scooped up his cell phone, shooting a text to his best friend to get ready to leave, as he pulled on a grey hoodie and a blue scarf and grabbed his two duffel bags he always had packed and his keys phone laptop and chargers, before leaping out his bedroom window, getting in his car and driving away.

This town don't got much to do You and I haven't got much to lose So do you wanna rot in your room like we always do? Talk about how fast we grew And all the big dreams that we won't pursue Then get in your car and laugh 'til we both turn blue

He pulled up to his friends’ house and smiled softly as his friend dumped a suitcase and a backpack in the backseat. He turned to the smaller teen and saw him settle awkwardly in the seat that felt too big and swallowed him whole. The other turned to him with a small smirk, and Logan didn’t miss the new black eye the boy had, however new it must have been.

“are we finally gonna do it Lo?”

Logan changed the gear and sped out of the neighborhood as quick as he could. He nodded solidly.

“there's nothing to do here anyways. We don’t have anything left here, and I'm done laying on my bed rotting and thinking about our inevitable deaths. God remember when we actually thought we would be astronauts? People who would change the world, god that’s such utter bullshit now, why did we ever believe the stupid shit they told us?”

“didn’t believe it long. Grew up too fast, but I guess that happens when your father is a dumbass drunk who wants to hurt people.”

The two glanced at each other and laughed their heads off, taking humor out of the shitty situations they lived in. coping mechanisms they guessed. They couldn’t do anything about it, they had no way to change things other than to leave. So they were. They drove onto the freeway, taking turns they had no idea how to get back from.

Parents think we're fast asleep But as soon as we're home we're sneaking out the window 'Cause at this rate of earth decay Our world's ending at noon Could we all just move to the moon?

Logan heard his phone go off, and saw his friend lift the phone to his face and laugh. He sent a confused look to him and the other turned the phone so he could read the text he had received. ‘go to sleep, you are going to class at 5:30 tomorrow don’t forget Logan, or you wont like what happens next’. Logan smirked. His father wasn’t big enough to do anything to him other than ignore him. There were countless empty threats and neglect but that was it.

“god, astronauts, right? That’s what we need, astronauts, to go find a new planet that we can fuck over. We have been told that we have our entire lives and all that shit, but they took that from us to huh? Now we’re left with the slowly rotting husk of molten rock. Its dumb, but every once in a while, I still wish we could live on the moon, get to watch the hell storm from the pews as it all dies.”

“we’re depressing”

“falsehood, we’re nihilists with depression.”

'Cause we are the helpless, selfish, one of a kind Millennium kids, that all wanna die Walking in the street with no light inside our eyes We are the worthless, cursed with too much time We get into trouble and lose our minds Something that I've heard a million times in my life Generation Why

They drove in silence for a few more miles, before Logan pulled over at what seemed to be an abandoned camp ground. He put the car in park and sat motionless for a moment before releasing a sigh.

“this would be one hell of a place to die huh? This lot looks like it hasn’t seen a car in months, I bet they wouldn’t find a dead body in here until august.”

The other person looked at Logan, wrapping the midnight black jacket that ate his frame turning his pale skin into a sea of the void around him tighter. He was scared. He was always scared, but that wasn’t the point. He felt… helpless. He was at the end of the road and the only thing he could do is jump in the deep end or high tail it the other way. He looked at his best friend, his best friend who had reached that dead-end years ago and wondered how he could have looked at the seeping nothing at his feet and stay put, not moving one way or another. He couldn’t understand how Logan wouldn’t have stepped back, or forward, or moved at all, he just stood and stared at what could only be his fate and refused to budge. He himself was already teetering gently off the edge and he was new. He had been bulldozed to the edge in a split second and he held tight to the solid feeling under his feet. He had lost the light and wonder in his eyes instantaneously and it was replaced with a heavy blanket of worthlessness.

They were called selfish, they were told they were one of a kind, they were told they had time, and they slowly lost their minds to all the screams that were thrown from every direction. So what? They would die anyways, what was the point in trying to impress people who were never satisfied? They wore themselves out trying to prove something, anything, and it led them here, alone in a car outside of a forest that they might die in, who knows? He didn’t know himself if he could continue clinging onto that edge much longer. If they died here, at least he and Logan would be together right? If there was an afterlife, they would be together and at this point, he was fine with that outcome.

We're livin' night to night Since we're bound to die, oh Oh, what's the use in trying?

“are we going to do it or are we just going to sit here and stare at it all night?”

“we’re going. Just, give me a minute Virgil. I want to think a little longer.”

He was tired of wasting his effort on the moot case of life. He was too tired to care, and he knew Logan felt the same, otherwise they wouldn’t be here together, contemplating getting out of the car and stumbling into the woods. They were too tired. Logan was just about to open his door when they saw headlights fill the rear-view mirror.

Taglist: @fivebyfive-finebyfive @tacohippy56900 @analogical-mess @crookedlyoptimisticdestiny @angels-and-dreams

Let me know if you want to be tagged in my writing!!! Or if you want to be taken off my list!!!

Thank you for reading I will see you later ladies lords and nonbinary royalty!!!

#logan sanders #virgil sanders #high school au #platonic analogical #tw cursing #tw swearing #tw suicidal thoughts #tw suicidal actions #tw abuse mention #tw alcohol mention #tw neglect mention #open ending #my fanfiction #my writing

16 notes · View notes

thoughtsfeelingsjustblah · 4 years

Text

11/4/2019

Already November! Time flies. It has been a good year though. I’ve felt more social and started making new friends, reconnecting with old friends, planning events and parties. I love to host parties. Would give anything to have a bigger house. This one is a little cramped. VERY cramped when I invite most of my friends over at the same time. lol

Anyway, i’ve really enjoyed getting back to my social self. When I was my teens, I loved parties, and loved hosting parties even more! I got with Nathan when I was 20 and he wasn’t a partier all that much. I settled down, practically turned into a recluse, and lived that way for about 10 years. I let go of all my party friends, because I was trying to get out of that lifestyle.

I became the crazy cat lady from being the fun party girl. lol I took in way too many cats than I could honestly take care of. Dogs, too. Got into animal rescue, though I ended up keeping most of them. My house was impossible to keep nice or even clean really, with that many animals. I fell into a depression, which caused me to recluse even more. My bipolar seems to have gotten worse. I was in a rut for years.

My oldest brother died in 2010. I started wanting to get away, to drink and just forget. And that’s what I did. (went really wild as a teenager after my Dad died when I was in my teens. My coping mechanism I suppose. Then, I met Jerry not long after my brother died and we became really close. He was my best friend for 2-3 years, until we tried to date and I realized he was a manipulative, controling, abusive asshole. Then, I started going out even more after that break up. After my Mom died, I didn’t go completely wild. Maybe it was because I was living alone in my clean, comfortable home. More stable. I did meet Mark not long after she passed, and did impulsively go out of town to meet him for the first time, in the middle of the night after I left a bar. lol So, maybe I went a little crazy. Turned out for the best, though.

Birthdays in November... I need to remember to send a card to my cousin Alissa, I always forget. Then, i’m seeing if James is busy next week, it’s his birthday. He’s alone and he did something special for Mark’s birthday. Brought him really nice cupcakes from a bakery. So I really want to do something for him. If he’s not already planned anything, i’ll ask him if there is anyone he’d want to invite. I just found out that Cassie’s birthday falls on Thanksgiving this year, so I need to get her a cake. I hope i’m not leaving anyone out for November birthdays.

I’ve got to do something about my weight. I take pictures, from an upper left angle (except most aren’t extreme angles anymore), and I love the way I look. I feel so pretty, from my pictures. But then, I see myself in the mirror and i’m often disappointed. I see myself in a picture someone takes of me, and my day is ruined. I end up in tears and feel huge, ugly, like a freaking monster. I don’t want to feel that way anymore. I know i’d be so much prettier, even with just 50-60 pounds gone. If I lost 100, i’d probably never leave the mirror! lmao No, but I would be happy with pictures people take and my self confidence would be through the roof.

It’s a shame that i’ve wasted all these years being fat and having nearly 0 self esteem. Now, if I lose weight.....i’ll be starting the aging process. About to turn 40. I wasted my youthful, pretty years.

But HOW am I going to lose this weight? It’s so hard. Some of my health conditions cause weight gain and make it difficult to lose it. Some of my meds do the same thing. I’ve had a couple doctors trying to get me to go off the meds, but I won’t do it. They are my psychiatric meds, and I NEED them! Nope, nope, nope. I’ve been craving soda and drinking way too much of it this past week. That’s not going to help matters. I’m going to have to cut down on soda intake and watch what I eat, a bit more than I do now. And, I need to get active. Not just for weight loss, for my diabetes too. Really need to start going to swim at the ymca 2-3 mornings per week, at least. And, sometime on most weekends, since it’s the only time Nathan can go. Would also like to starting waking at 6am and go for a walk. The walks will be super short for a while, because at this size it kills my lower back and legs. But, anything is better than nothing. I hope I can get into a better routine.

I’d so love to lose 50 pounds by Summer, when we go back to Wyoming and to the beach. Confidence, I need it back.

I need to clean this room today, it’s a complete disaster. Trying to get Mark to help me. It will be nice to be able to walk through the room normally. To have my side table cleared and organized. Be able to organize and decorate my makeup table, be able to access and organize my jewelry again! I feel chaotic in my mind when things are out of place. My problem, i’m a perfectionist. I want everything to be perfect. And thats hard to do now that i’m not living alone. So, when it’s not perfect I lack the motivation to clean. Complicated.

I WANT MY HOME 100% ORGANIZED!!!!!

I had all rooms organized a while back. Perfectly. Except the bedroom. But people want to leave stuff laying around and/or put things in the wrong places. Leaving me to have to get up the motivation to do it all over again! Oh, not to mention people leaving trash laying around. My biggest pet peeve!

I wonder what really happens when you die. People are always saying they will see their loved ones again one day - but how do we really know that? It seems like wishful thinking. Something will tell ourselves to make death feel a little less permanent. I mean, i’d love for it to be true. But noone truly knows. I guess it IS a comfort to tell yourself that. But what if death is just death. Nothingness. You just no longer exist? What if everyone who dies is trapped on Earth for eternity. Purgatory. Or hell....punished for all of our “sins”. Because EVERYONE sins at some point, nobody is perfect.

I wonder the same about God. How do we really know there IS a God? How? We pray, and most of our prayers remain unanswered. Did someone just make up God and Christianity to make themselves and some others feel better? Feel not alone.

I lean more toward Wicca in my beliefs. But even still, how do we know the Goddess/Gods even exist? I don’t know. Just something I was thinking about.

Speaking of which, I was talking to my brother Neil the other day. We had a great, long conversation. I didn’t want to get off the phone. EVEN during the “Rhonda” part of the conversation (long story, may blog about it another time). lol One thing in our convo that stood out.. He told me that my Mom told him she was a witch. She practiced withcraft a little before I was born. I don’t remember her ever telling me that. She did tell me about a couple witches back in the family bloodline, though. I feel i’m a natural born witch. Strange things have happened, i’m had visions that come true. Dreams and nightmares that later actually happened. I’ve been drawn to witchcraft my entire life.

I tried Christianity. I really did. But it never felt right. But i’ve hidden my beliefs for years and will probably continue to do so for the most part, living in this area. After talking to a few friends about, i’m surprised to find people accepting of it and some even interested/consider themselves a witch or Wiccan.

I’ve been even more interested in witchcraft and Wicca after meeting another witch. She’s a natural born witch, too, not someone who converted to the religion. We have a strong, spiritual bond. I’ve been embracing my spirituality a bit more lately. I feel like i’m not so alone in my beliefs.

I like to believe there IS a higher power. I just don’t know exactly what I believe.

I’m getting tired of blogging at the moment, will be ending this in a second. Still have things running through my mind, just tired of typing. lol I think i’ve been in mild manic state for quite a while. It’s better than depression at least. Ok, I have a little more to blog about after all. lol

I need to figure out what i’m doing (lawyer or not) and file for disability again. Being married, i’d only get $400.....but there is a lot I can do with $400 that I currently do not have. I’ve been donating plasma to have a little spending cash. And I would probably continue even if I get approved for SSI, it’s a good thing to do, and hey, extra money, ya know? But with $400 a month, I could buy some clothes and decent thing that I want but can’t afford right now. Save what I can save. Have an emergency savings, which I so desperately need.

I was thinking the other day about our neighbors. They are awesome. Danny is a good guy, a good friend. The neighbors on the other side seem like really good people. They even surprised us by mowing our lawn once while we were away. I want to make something. Banana bread, a cake, maybe cookies and give them to both neighbors. Show them that we appreciate them. Good neighbors are a blessing, we are lucky. We have neighbors a couple house down that seem cool, too. They are different. Unique. I guess kinda alternative or punk style. I’m wanting to invite them to one of our get togethers soon.

Not sure if we’ll be having a get together this weekend. If everything goes as planned, Cassie, Dena, Crystal and I will be going to Cherokee NC Saturday. Cassie wants to meet a guy she knows online. It will be fun, if it works out for us to go. :) If we get back in time, may drink a lil Saturday night. Or maybe not. Idk. I think the guys plan to have a friend or two over while we’re gone. Guys night and girls road trip. lol I may see if Cassie would wanna let her brother Matt stay here with the guys, so it’s truly a girls trip. That, and I think it would fun for Matt. He’s young, but that doesn’t matter, they could play video games or just whatever.

Then, Sunday, we (Me, Mark, Nathan, Crystal and Sierra) or making another road trip, to go see my brother. I want to see him, it’s been a while, and at the same time, I want him to meet Crystal. I told him about her, and about the feelings and things, the other day. He was shocked, never had a clue that I was bicurious. lol He’s supportive of it, though.

Mark’s tried to be supportive too. It’s a little different for him. And we talked, he has been worried that i’d completely fall for her and leave him. That’s not going to happen. It’s not a one or the other kind of situation.

I was cuddly with him in bed yesterday morning, and I asked him if he’d be more ok with it if he was a part of it, if and when it ever turns physical. But he’s only with me. If I ever had an actual threesome, i’d likely lose feelings for him. That;’s what happened with the last time a boyfriend and I had a threesome. That was with two guys, never had a girl/girl/guy threesome. But, I broke up with him right after. I don’t know why my feeling changed. But I do NOT want that to happen with him. He treats me so well, he amazing. What worries me, if he is involved at all, even just participating with me only, will that change my feelings for him, too. I really don’t know. For the most part, my feelings are like a light switch that I have control over. On/off.

Now let me add.............IF I were to feel comfortable with him being there, Crystal would be the one to make the final decision. It depends on what she’s comfortable with. I still don’t even know how I feel about it. If we go there, I kinda wanted it to be just her and I. I want it to be pure an special. She means a lot to me. With a guy, I like rough and wild sex. But I feel that if I were ever to be with her in that way, i’d want it to be a little different.

Now, that’s IF we ever explore the physical side of things. I am curious about it, and I honestly think i’d better good at it. I’m a very oral person. But I don’t know if it may feel......awkward? I don’t think it would be, as close as we are. I don’t even know how she feels about going there. I don’t know how I feel completely either. I’m thinking I may be comfortable with it at some point. But, at this point, i’m content with the way things are. Spending time together, holding hands, a little kiss here and there. It’s new to me, and new to her, but it feels right.

If/when we ever do... I think it would be nice to go in together on a nice hotel room. One with a jaccuzi tub would be a nice touch. Flowers on the nightstand, rose petals on the bed, champagne with strawberries, candles, soft music. I want a special, romantic night. And if we get there and we chicken out (lol) on making love, we could still cuddle and enjoy the room, spend time alone. I’d miss Mark for the night, but it would only be one night. I strongly prefer our first time to be just US. As far as after that, still undecided.

In one way, it would be nice to involve him. It’s one of his fantasies, I believe and truthfully i’ve had threesome fantasies before. Though, with us it wouldn’t be an actual threesome. It would be she and I and him and I. I’m just afraid it will change my feelings somehow. But I feel so close to both of them, it might still feel special with both of them, idk. I don’t want him to feel left out, pushed away. This is just complicated as crap! Oh well, we will figure it out in time.

I want to plan a romantic hotel night with Mark sometime, too. I’ve been wanting that for so long. I always hoped he would plan something like that for me. I guess i’ll be the one planning it. Would be more special if he did, though. Nathan even offered to pay for the room for us at one point. Which was sweet and surprising. Wish when I was with Nathan he would have done that kind of thing for me more often. I remember getting jacuzzi sweet one time, but i’m pretty sure it was my idea? Not totally sure.

I wish Nathan had been more affectionate with me back when we were together. I don’t think we would have fallen apart the way we did. (BUT, I wouldn’t have met Mark, so I do believe things happen for a reason). He was never very affectionate, he never caressed my skin, tickled my back or anything unless I asked. And even then, could tell he didn’t want to and would conveniently fall asleep while doing so. lol

Mark, he’s very affectionate. He’s often wanting to hold my hand or cuddle, or both. Kisses, caresses, often without being asked. He likes to rub my butt..lol Makes me feel wanted. He’s an amazing guy, I love him so much. He’s the only guy i’ve been with who is that affectionate, other than my first fiance when I was 17. I loved how affectionate he was, but he turned into an abusive jerk. Mark, he’s never been abusive toward me, he hardly even gets angry at me, doesn’t yell at me. I hit him at one point, unfortunately, and he didn’t hit me back. We really don’t even fight. We rarely get a little aggravated at each other. And it’s already been 5 years.

I feel bad about the way things happened with Nathan. I didn’t treat him the way I wished I had. I was pretty good to him, but not good enough. We had our problems. And then his lack of affection made me feel more like we were friends than lovers. I am happy that he’s still in my life, and hope he always will be. But I do wish I could go back and fix a few things. I had a hard time handling emotions and stress, I was not being treated for my bipolar, so that didn’t help. All those animals kept us stressed, that was a huge mistake.

Mark keeps falling asleep, I wonder why he’s so tired today. Hope he’s not getting sick. I planned to donate today, but I think i’m going to do it Tues an Thurs instead. Need the money though, there is a pretty white floral dress I want, it’ like $22, a good deal. I figure it would be a good dress to wear for Easter. Yes, I tend to plan way ahead. lol But, it’s so pretty.

I got my black hair dye last night. I and re-doing the underneath black, and maybe put a few streaks throughout. But, my roots are already showing, so i’m probably going to wait until I recolor with red. I got a really light blonde for Sierra’s highlights and burgundy for underneath. If her grandma sees it, she will bitch like she did last time. lol I personally think it looks good!

Alright, this time i’m really going to go. lol Will blog again soon! :)

0 notes

rawshau · 7 years

Text

A whole fuck ton of thoughts

Jeffs thoughts fuck off mate It's interesting seeing who i am becoming. What i value. What i'm willing to do. It's like the fear is gone. Or at least leaving. Was brianna this fear? Because it seems both of us are better now that we're apart. Both of us doing more in our lives. Were we holding each other back? I'm excited to see how things will go with Leigh. I'm a little nervous but excited as well. It'll be interesting to see who she is. It's difficult trying to be flirty and shit while being deep. I mean i haven't physically seen her in years. So it's hard for me to be all flirty. She's seems really smart. Articulate. I wonder how our conversations will go. If we can be close. I hate that i still think of brianna. Most if not all my thoughts tho are of anger and frustration. She treated me like shit so much and gets everything for it. I'm sure she's still anxious as fuck and struggling financially but still she gets shit served to her on a platter. Boyfriend, couch, financial aid in multiple forms, jobs or job possibilities. I don't get why she gets to be so cruel and rude and mean all the time yet it feels like non of it comes back to bite her. Maybe it does i just dont see it. I dunno. I'm sure ill get some shit coming back to me for wanting retribution. I'm just hurt I suppose. And right now being angry is how i'm dealing with it i guess. Sometimes i wonder if something big is going on here. Like a shift in consciousness big. Both Linden and I have relationship problems at the same point in time. Brianna was pulled to a past interest, i find myself involved with a past interest. I feel like i was kinda just compelled. Or maybe that's me just justifying it. I hope i'm not rebounding. But Leigh excites me. She's smart and i find her really fuckin sexy. I want to see her. Who she really is. What is rebounding anyways. A common behavior of those who are heart broken? A copeing mechanism? Is it to make the other person jealous in hope that they will come running back because if that is what rebounding is I have no desire to be with brianna. I'm having trouble being her friend as it is. The majority of our relationship she was all take no give. Or at least that is how it felt to me. After being treated so poorly, i never wanted to do nice things for her. And she never desired me. She thought I was disgusting. Or at least that's how it felt. Around march she wouldn't even let me cuddle her. It felt like she was involved with someone else and didn't want to betray him with me. Which may even be the case. I know i don't want to be with brianna. She treated me horribly and didn't really love me. She said it a lot but never meant it. I knew i wanted out of that relationship. And now that i'm not blinded by emotions, i know this is for the best. I hope Linden and I end up going to Astral. Even for just a night or 2. I don't even need to take drugs really i kinda just wanna get drunk a enjoy that atmosphere. I think i might try a mushroom smoothy again. I definitely want a psychedelic experience again. Dunno why. Just feel like it's important. I'm feeling the fear today. It's pulling me away. An opportunity opens up as well. Someone to go with but not the one i wanted. Imagine that. Leigh is getting too real as well. I'm all self conscious about sex now. I just wannnnnna break from all this but that's me running and hiding. That's the fear. I don't really have anyone to rely on now. I'm trying to tether to someone. I just want support man. I want a best friend. Ugh fuck life right now. I feel low. If this is what people feel normally, i would definitely say people are not happy. I don't feel happy. Work is so unfulfilling. There is no one there to be social with really. I have hardly any social life. Linden is work focus, brianna had a whole new life. The only prospect i have for social interaction is Leigh and video games. And video game feel bad. They don't feel good. Leigh and I aren't really connecting. I want connection. I can't stand work right now. I mean it's a great job if you have a social life. But I do not. Maybe i'm just a little down at the moment. Some depressing thoughts. A little coffee and a muffin and ill be good to go. Yeeah probably just weeeeed hangover. Or i neeed a friend fucking shit man. Everything feels like a mistake. Not going to astral, my feelings for leigh, i feel sad. Or energyless. Or at least when im alone. I like being around people. I miss having friends. I hope that with leigh ill be able to open up and that she will too. I like all the sexy stuff but i just dont feel sexy right now. Maybe things will feel better when i see her. Fuck man. I dunno about anything anymore. I like leigh but right now i'm not feeling the attraction. Sexuality is a big fat zero. I don't know why i like the sexy talk. It just ends up making me nervous. I need to be connected to have sex... I think. But then again once i get turned on it's a whole new ball game. I probably need to see her. I sure she's hot as fuck. But fuck i need the connection. I need the spiritual love yo. I need that mask off. I dunno what i need. I wanna drink. Fuck work man. Work is the worst place ever. Love the people here just hate being here. suuuuuch a waste of time. I could be doing nothing at home right now! Or at least not being miserable. I want friends. People who care. Life without people really sucks. I dunno how linden does it. He leaves town a lot. Works with guys he can share with. Fuck man. I got like no one. Leigh just wants to fuck im sure. Which is great but w.e. I need to focus on what i like doing fuck everyone else. I want a beer. Fuck friends are 2 puss to have fun. Cuz there all sad a scared to live like i was. I don't know how to heal people. I just want to be in that energy you know? Being happy and hype is hard for our group. They take life too serious. Granted i think we know (or used to) more about our selfs because of it. I DOOOONT GIVE A FUCCCK WHHAT YAALLL THINK. WUT Wut!!! We feelin good today mate.👍 Your really bad at flirting mate. For some reason i'm a little frightened of having sex with Leigh. I'm scared of starting a whole relationship again. Scared of opening up to someone again. Which is odd because i'm pretty open to those who i can be open to. Is it the intimacy. The after sex part is scary to me. Becoming a couple. I just wanna take things slow. I like her a lot. I wanna get to know her. Spend time with her more. Being sexual with some kinda scares me. I start doubting myself or comparing myself with the idea of other people shes been with. What she'll think of me and how i look. It gets me nervous, which doesn't help with be sexual :/. My god how attached am i? Jesus last night was stupid. I keep living for/following other people. I need to find me again. Live for myself. I miss family tho. I'd love to see Dad and Chase and Yvette. Enjoy each others company. I wish linden would stick to his word. Said sometime this week we'd get the couch. Then the weekend, now nothing. My god. I feel like such a burden, like i'm using him. I am using him... But man he did say he had access to his parents vehicles. Ugh life really feels dull. I wanna get a weed vape. Something I can just suck on passively without tons of prep. I want a god damn couch to lay on. I hate depending on others they fucking suck. I really just want to rid myself of this current point in time. This "chapter" is fucking dim man. I watched teal video on belonging, it's got me thinking. Have I really ever belonged somewhere. Do i belong with someone. Was belonging the problem in my relationship with brianna? I didn't see myself belonging with her. Tho i loved her. Where do ilI belong? I never feel like i belong. I always see myself as different then others. Which makes me push people away. All i've wanted was to have loving relationships or i guess what i've wanted was to belong. To be able to be my authentic self and share it. When i think back to that summer i worked for the city. That was one of the most painful moments i had. It took months to stop smoking and to get back to being me. I had friends tho. I had support. We hung out still. And it seems no matter how hard i try people dont wanna hangout. Maybe it's because i rely on linden. I cant think of someone else tho that i can hangout with and have fun. I just remember when me and linden were chilling a long time ago he got a call from shelby to go to slave lake. Things just happened to us. I was happy. We have a stronger relationship. Now it's just vacant. I wish i had friends :/. Fuck girls for now srsly i don't think i focus on that. If leigh wants to hangout/hookup w.e I wanna figure my own life out for me and not for someone else. 😁😁😁👍your trippin a lil mate.✌️ I have a fear that i'll be boring. That i'm not enough. My aversion to going out. I just don't know. She's special. I like her. Still need to share more. To see into her. Intimacy. Tho we are very sensual. I sure am thinking about her a lot. I need to remember to focus on foreplay. I want her all riled up. I like a little less tongue wile killing to be honest. I like to progress into tongue. I think about who she is the and i swoon a little. The things she says, just these small little things i see her do, reminds me of a side of myself. I llllliiiiikkkkkeeeee her. I guess well see where this goes. I can't seem to stop thinking about her. I want to give her her space. I'm trying not to rush this. Buuut i keep thinking about her. I feel less shy and nervous with her. Which leaves excitement. I enjoy how sensual she is. She caresses my skin. Bites my shoulders. I wanna make her moan and rive and wiggle with pleasure. I wanna take my time and learn what she likes and doesn't like. I want her to grind down on me. I wanna do her from behind nice and slowly. Heheheh god she gets me turned on. To be honest I'm messaging her no more then normal. So I don't think i'm being needy or clingy or what ever the fuck. But yeah since yesterday there's been nothing. I kinda like her. I'm sure she's not used to having someone in her life, seeing how it's been 2 years. Might be a bit scary for her. Take time for yourself Jeff. You're being a idiot mate. It's been one day. Let her miss you if she misses you. You need to be able to be on your own. To be alone. To be satisfied with just being. If you focus on her that is all you're gonna be. Focus on you for a little. How else are you going to share yourself with her if you just focus on her. This is attachment mate. Don't be attached. Why is it I can't be alone. Why is this so hard. What happens if she doesn't text back. What if she just wanted sex? Does she even like me? AHHHHHHGHGHGHHJJNHHKKKKK. This is rather frustrating. And it's only the first day. I have to basically wait till the weekend for something to happen. Ughhhhh what if she doesn't text me again. I LIKEEE HERRRR UHHHHGGGGHH I have a feeling I'm not going to hear from her. I think I was just being used. I don't know how she feels. I don't think she likes be, she could possibly be a fuck girl. I think Thursday i'll message her again. But nothing sexual. Wow this sucks. I just wanted to get to know her better. She's used to these kind of relationships. When you sleep together and then after an amount of time contact eachother? I dont know. It feels kinda fucked mate. I know she said this was moving kinda fast so maybe she just needs sometime to herself. She's going through a big transition with work as well so give her time she's not just gonna up and leave. Here i am actually putting myself out there. And now i feel too dependent on people. I'm hesitant to text linden because i feel like I'm using him. I just sent a big message to leigh which i dunno how it'll be received. I don't know what's wrong with me. I wanna do stuff with people but shit feels needy if i ask. I don't know what's right. I used to spend my weekends playing nothing but video games. At it was easy to do that. Now everything feels wrong. Should i just get high after work? Go biking or long boarding? Ill text linden at lunch see if he's free to chill tonight. I desire quality time with friends, family and loved ones. I realize how important these things are in life. They are really all that matter. Take away the entertainment, the materialism, or daily monotonous routines and all we have left is each other. I find it a little sad even how satiated we are by tv, and video games. Or that we struggle in each others company without some sort of drug influence. But to be honest, at least tho who go out and drink socially AND actually enjoy each others company are being around other people. God I'm such a needy fuck. I should have waited. Srsly what could she be doing? I guess starting work at new place or with new people would be difficult and occupying. She doesn't seem to check her phone much anyways. Bahhhghhhh i have no one to talk too bout this! I should do something tonight. Something to keep me busy and active. I need to get my registration done. Change my mail address. Baking Soda the carpet. Maybe some groceries. Muggins with linden? If he actually answers his texts. Dating kinda sucks. Just in the sense that you don't get to see each other when you want. Are we dating? Are we "seeing each other". What title do we have? This whole game makes me feel less secure about anything or everything. People use the loose terms to get out of possible relationships alll the time. Leigh seems like such a good person tho. I keep having these fears that she's doing other people. Purely just anxiety on my part. I trust her when i'm with her, i only feel this when she's not around heh. I wanna see her...:( NEVER CHASE A BITCH. Fears confirmed. She just wanted to fuck and chuck. She lead me on pretttty hard. But maybe I turned things to serious too quickly. I don't think i'll be able to keep things casual tho. I have a feeling i'm not the only casual guy with her at the moment. Which makes me feel like such an idiot. And definitely don't feel like i can be close with her. God i feel like shit now. All she sees is appearance, which is sad. She can't see beyond the superficial. I'm just a cute 6'2 blonde guy to her. Maybe i'm being a little harsh, but I know what I felt. I knew I wasn't the only one. Makes me feel like a fool. Well see where this goes but I don't think i want to keep hurting myself. I did this to myself. I get toooo attached and this is what happens. W.e I can deal with this. Maybe this is just what I needed in order to be myself. In order to get over Brianna. In order to be ok with myself. Maybe i am the only guy? Who knows? I think i need to focus on myself rather then her. It's helped me realize a lot of things about myself. It's scary to open up to people. To get close. To let yourself feel love for another. To care. So if anything this shows me that I'm still who i want to be. And yeah it's going to hurt. Let it. It hurts because you opened yourself to the possibility of seeing another as yourself. Maybe leigh just needs more time to see me? Maybe this kind of relationship is what you need this year. Casual. Don't chase her. Don't care about who else she's with. Just be you. This is ok. Not surprising actually. I can understand why she would be like this. I don't know her story but i'm guessing she has felt a lot of abandonment. Lack of belonging. I wonder if she knows what love feels like. If she remembers. As far as i know she keeps men and an arms length. By that i mean she probably only keeps physical relationships. She doesn't share her past and satisfies the closeness issue with a bunch of superficial questions to create the illusion of being close. But she really hides her pain. Hides her vulnerability. Doesn't allow for her emotions to be felt. It's truly such a sadness because she is such a beautiful person. I wonder if she'll let me see her. She hides extremely deeply. Quite the challenge. If i can get her to smoke some weed with me i feel we might be able to connect. Who she is drunk could show some indication of who she is. But she lives in that. It's normal for her. So she could have a mask in such a state. Guess well see where this goes. How do i even act around her. I mean next time we hangout is she gonna be able to control herself? Will I? Are we supposed to? How is this canoe trip gonna go? I don't want to do heavy drugs. But it might not be tooo bad. James concerns me little. I don't want all of them looking to my guidance either. Sounds stressful. She used to be very flirty, but now? Nothing. Either she's scared of leading me on. Lost interest. Or scared of her own feelings. Maybe feeling guilty about the other guy? Kinda sucks, i liked having someone to talk to. She seemed very smart. And very interested. I wonder if i was just fucked and chucked. Will she peruse a hangout date? Because it's really not up to me anymore. It's allllll about what she wants. This isn't what I want tho. So in my mind were just friends. I'm attracted but I don't know if I can act on or allow physical interaction. Wtf is a "date" to her? I don't know what this even is anymore. It's all in her control now. She texts me when she wants to, she sees me when she wants to. It's exactly what she wants. She's no longer interested in me anyways. Relationships suck, I think i'll just do me man. If at anytime Leigh does want to hangout i guess I'll see how I feel about that. But I hardlyn doubt she ever just text me randomly for that. She has guys on the side for sure. I'm just being used. Again... Now my dad is all fuckin weird. How am i going to enjoy this trip like this? Ughhhh i just want to be free of all this bulllshit. Leighs bull shit, my dads bull shit, the feeling hollow emptyness. All of it sucks cock. I need a god damn smoke. Rebounding was a horrible idea but fuckin hell she just slept with me and peaced out. What a horrible thing to do man. This feels awful. I liked her man. She was just too perfect. And I don't think ill see her again. Well see where this goes. At Least you got to talk to her and share how you felt. Don't hold on to the idea that she'll want to be exclusive. I dont want to pressure her into a relationship if she doesn't want to be in one. If there ends up being someone else i'll just ask her to inform me first, and ill figure if this is something I want to continue. Remember to stay movin mate. Sittin on the couch first thing in the morning is a bad habit. Just sit outside with a coffee. Enjoy the summer warmth. Keep your space clean. I don't know what I want. I don't know if i can have a casual relationship. It feels so hollow. Devoid of love, intimacy. Where is this going? Is she just gonna come by some nights to fuck? We don't do anything else. I doubt she'll wanna go snowboarding. I don't know if i even want a relationship with her. Everything feels weird about it. Everything feels secretive. Like we aren't supposed to open up to one another. All this is is just sex. Sex and cuddling. We think that's what we want but it really isn't. I need connection. I need to feel that chemistry, that desire. I don't know if I feel that. There is passion but I just don't know if this is what I really want. Ill give it some time to figure out where this is going or what this becomes. I find myself having trouble relaxing and enjoying myself with her. Over thinking this just enjoy being around her. Brianna came by just now. She looks strung out. Depressed and no energy. She got mad at me for hugging her. Felt like she just doesn't anything to do with me anymore. Hurts a little. I still have love for her. She needs to figure out what it is she really wants. God she is beautiful tho. Hurts to see her like that. She's obviously gotten into drugs with them. Poor girl. Definitely not what she deserves. But i suppose it's what she brought on herself. I really hope brianna takes care of herself. I feel she may have been banking on me as a safety net to come to incase her relationship didn't work out. But how fair is that? Did she not expect me to move on? Did she not hurt me several times intentionally to get me to leave. Why is it now that we are no longer "best friends"? How does me being with someone hurt her so much when she had the chance to be with me so often, but never wanted to do anything. I appears to be a little selfish on her side. To want me to be with no one, while she's off gallivanting with Mac-fly. Maybe she didn't think this through. I still care about her, but she is on her own now. There is nothing I really can do about it. Besides, Leigh is a pretty dope girl and she needs my support or rather deserves my support. But honestly girls and these kinds of relationship make life rather difficult. I just wanna hangout and have fun man. Fuck trying to make shit happen. Maybe it's like how she was with Mac when she was with me. She has feelings and she can't be around me without feeling them. Odd though. We were around one another lot during her relationship. Maybe she finally felt how she feels about me when she realized that I'm moved on. She must know that I feel the same way. She was scared to show it. Because it would betray Mac-lame.(haha i'm sure Mac is a nice guy). Guess I'm just not what Brianna needs right now. Or Brianna isn't what I need right now. Regardless i hope she takes care of herself. I do care and worry about her. In retrospect now it kinda feels like she may have done acid and possibly had a bad trip? I notice more now how i treat her or rather how i perpetuate the relationship. I seem to treat her as someone who needs to be cared for or comforted rather then just a normal person. That has been the majority of our relationship tho. Do i have to see her differently? I'm just gonna be me. I care about her I'll show her that I care. This whole friends off thing kinda hurts. Why is it we can be friends when she's with someone but if I find a casual relationship it's all friends off can't be around one another. Unless it's like when we we're together and she couldn't be friends with macfuckface. The thought of them being intimate still just makes me sick. I dunno what to do about this. I feel for brianna still. I still live her, tho i don't think I'm in love with her. I tried to kiss her only once while we were still living together to see if she still reciprocated how I felt. She's compulsively leaned in for a kiss a couple times tho that was more so out of habit. I still want a future with her but I don't know how that would work. I don't see how we could be together. She still treats me like shit, i still want to be her protecter or w.e it is I do. How could that work? Do we need more time? Or are we just not meant to be together. I just hope she's safe. Leigh. Leigh, Leigh, Leigh... Dunno what this is gonna become. I'm catchin feelings already a little. And getting really turned in my you. I might be calling you over to help me sleep more often. Dunno how i feel about the whole casual thing. I know your with other guys. Doesn't bother me too much because I don't know them or see your feelings for them. Which is good. And i suppose this leaves me single technically. Which is also nice. I do feel a bit guilty for perusing someone else while having this kind of relationship. Not that I'm actually perusing anyone. This will be an interesting challenge. I suppose this what i'm ready for? I wanna snowboard. With me mates. This sucks. She comes into my life for a moment and then bam gone. Is it because she's catching feels? And it scares her off? Is she just really busy? (Doubt it we texted constantly while she was busy). Is it some other guy she hasn't told me about? Is this just how it's going go be? See each other one night and that's it for the week? That feels so sad tho. I'm just developing feelings for her and they wither when we are separate for so long. Not to mention our only time we spend together is at my house. I'd like to do stuff with her. She seems fun and has a playful heart that I only get a peak at. If all we have is pillow talk and movies, I'm going to annoy the shit out of her:/. I don't like the feeling of her being with other guys. I thought i could handle it, but it's just feels bad now when I think about it. It kinda feels like she's avoiding me too for some reason. Like i have nothing to base that on but the feeling is there. Could that be a connection of some sort? Are we becoming more "linked". I don't really know what that even is. But you sure do feel it. I don't know what's wrong. I know trying to force sex has always been an issue for me. Looking back it took a while for me a brianna to get to where we were. I think the lack of love is also causing a problem. I guessss i need to just stop focusing on her. Worry bout myself and things will feel fine. If the feels get too strong have a smoke. I don't know how she feels about me. I don't know if she likes to even be here. To come over and cuddle. I wish we did that more these last couple visits. It's always a night time hookup. Which in my mind eludes to sex. Which is my fault. Ugh I assume to much. I need to let things happen if they'll happen again... I just don't feel like love is possible in this relationship. And that's what I think I want. I've been to focused on sex On giving her what I think she wants from this relationship. What do I want from this relationship? Because this relationship, whatever it is, is driving me nuts. So my life isn't with her, but i have feelings for her, i think. And i can feel the emptiness she has for me. Or the inability to reciprocate. Maybe i'm just over thinking this. I like the feeling we had in the beginning. But after hearing she's incapable of intimacy and commitment. And all this inconsistency with seeing one another. It's not what I want, I don't think. Let's just forget her like i did before. I hate being attached. I hate feeling for someone who is unwilling to share her feelings with me. Lets just not focus on sex. Movie cuddles haven't happened in a while. The next time i see her lets just do that. I hate feeling so attached. Stops me from being in the moment.

0 notes