#( i leave with that i gotta work all day )

[naamahdarling]

.

#my psych who prescribes my psych meds is a resident and is moving on in a couple of months #i don't even remember the names of them all at this point #this happens over and over and I cannot find a clinic that will put me with someone who intends to stay #thst will also prescribe my adhd meds #and my anxiety meds #and the real kicker is that twice now they have LIED about it and said they would #only to reveal after all the hoop-jumping that oops sorry they didn't really mean it #so it's a risk i have to take any time i leave #and rhen there's the issue of new people almost always wanting to DO something #but instead of talking to me about it they just decide that my meds need overhauling and pressure me to go off shit that works #but that they morally object to i guess #and my psych for some stupid reason has decided she wants bloodwork for my cholesterol and blood sugar stuff and im just like #what hell does THIS presage because if she harasses me about the results or tries to put me on drugs for that #I'll give her a nasty scrap about it #im not interested in those meds at all #and im certainly not messing with my diet since food is the only pleasure i get most days and even that is marginal at best #and removing that would just make me worse #but medpros for the most part really don't give a fuck about that #and so now im afraid - because i do not and cannot trust them - that if i disapprove of the meds they will retaliate somehow #which good luck proving that when management and oversight often don't even care if they course of treatment will HARM you #if it relates to being fat or having bad numbers #they just gotta pathologize! #so yeah im sick of everything and just kind of want to bury myself in a bog forever #i shouldn't have to deal with this

[dipyronegirl]

thinking (and rewatching..) inside job again and i dont think rand is that bad of a father? i mean, he made a lot of mistakes and he doesn’t even feel bad ab it, even tho he traumatized reagan and a lot, but he was never absent. he acts like he cared ab reagan’s career just bc it could help his career, but that’s not true. he pushes her to be the best all the time and it’s bad, but he genuinely cares ab her so much. and the whole ‘creating crises to force her to hang out w him’ thing is fucked up, but it’s cute that he just wants to hang out w her that bad. most fathers literally don’t care enough ab their kids to do any of that. most fathers don’t even know their kids as much as he knows her. maybe my standards are just insanely low, probably, but he’s a better parent than 90% of the parents i know

#not just fathers. my standards aren’t lower for fathers than they are for mothers yk. they’re both low #he’s a better parent than my mom #he raised her being completely emotionally neglecting and putting so much pressure on her to be the genius she is #but i mean #my mom was just as emotionally neglecting as he was. i like telling the story ab how she had me stitch up my own wound when i was 8 #and always mocked me for being ‘weak’. exactly like toxic masculinity except that we’re both girls. i couldn’t have feelings yk #rand isn’t as toxic as her when it comes to that. he neglects her feelings and even mocks them too but she still seemed allowed to Have them #if my mom thought i was being ‘weak’ she would scream at me ab how much she wished i had never been born. he doesn’t do that!!!! #like when she didn’t wanna skip 4th grade. if that were me my mom would have made me feel so guilty for being born #like i had to skip grades and actively pretend (i’m talking real acting here) to not be upset or she’d go on her rants #ab how life is difficult and depressing for everyone and i gotta swallow it and like it cause she sacrificed her happiness and health for me #cause my being born made her life so hard etc etc #i don’t think rand make reagan feel like her continuing existence kept him from being happy or healthy #my mom started blaming her diabetes on me when i was 10. #like im not fucking kidding #cause my expensive private school (that she forced me to go to all my life cause it was semi boarding so i had someplace to stay all day and #so she didn’t need to leave me home alone) made her work too much which made her stressed which made her eat more so being diabetic was a #sacrifice she made for my future #that’s just how it was #inside job #text

[moonbeam-fox]

What a weird ass day. TW for past tense dv and assault

My abusers ex came in and was hassling staff abt a totally seperate pt care thing but then he saw me and got lit about how I used to fuck asha (the ex) behind his back??? But they got together after she assaulted me multiple times and I finally got free from it?? Like I would never, ever, ever ever have done that. Ever. So pissed off. To make matters worse all of my staff heard it. Now ppl saying weird personal shit isn't uncommon i just really don't like it happening to me

#dude threatened my life as he was leaving and called us all nazis so thats fun #i am Activated #should i see this kid again i gotta tamp this down before then bc im #my posts #wow what a good day to go back to work #tw dv mention #tw assault mention

[ahollowgrave]

We are entering that weird part of the year where my work is slow af until there is An Issue and then I am sooooo busy until the Issue is Fixed and then I'm back to being bored again

#if it seems like I'm on tumblr a lot #it's because I am lmao #because I WFH but I am not confident enough to leave my actual work desk for very long #but tumblr is very easy to scroll through slowly all day and then spin back to my work desk when I need too #I DO clean the house a LOT when it gets slow like this tho #because cleaning 1 thing doesn't actually take that long and I can check back #you know what I mean??? #cleaning the hosue together is a long time #doing a few cleaning tasks is less time #yes??? #anyway. :( #If this million dollar job (a literal invoice for a literal million dollars) comes back rejected again because it 'doesn't match' i'm gonna #scream #hours of my life LOST because no one SENT ME THE THING I NEEDED #ooc #this is just me complaining about something I Should Not complain about to be honest #but sometimes you gotta

[pochapal]

they should invent a phd that doesn't have numerous pressing deadlines. just for me. <3

#:) #my activity kind of dropped off again but that's because last week i was told i need 5000 words of my thesis in by mid december #*and* i've got this other thing with an early january deadline so it's A Lot rn #something like 8000 words of writing and like 2000 pages of reading in the next 4 weeks. kind of overwhelming a little lol #i'm handling it but handling it and navigating Horrors and also other things doesn't leave you with much spare breathing room i gotta say #if i play my cards right i might get a day or two next week free #if that happens that should be enough wiggle room to finally get the umineko writeup done #very mad about that in particular not being finished because i'm like 2000 words max away from being done there #literally all i need is a good three to six uninterrupted hours of work and that's handled #absolute worst case my christmas break is december 18 through january 8 so i'll figure something out then

[floral-hex]

Okay okay, I usually hate posting selfies, but then again, I also love a little mild attention. So, to strike a balance, here are 4 recent ones, but I’m posting them at 2am so I don’t have to worry about bothering too many people. Yeah? Ok thanks I love you

#yes I know how time zones work… they’re fake. it’s night everywhere right now. duh. #sometimes a girl just wants to hear she’s pretty 🤷🏻‍♂️ #I’m sorry I have a perpetual grumpy face. I don’t know what to do about that 🤷🏻‍♂️ #god I’m bored. and lonely. and yearning. yeah… #I don’t want to get into that right now… ok I do but maybe let’s not do it in these tags #anyway I’m actually probably going to chop off most of my hair this weekend #I know I know. dudes cutting off long hair is a sin but also… it’s hot. my hair is heavy and gets gross easily #it’ll grow back soon enough but for now it needs to be razed #so what else what else… #this is my third night staying in the hospital while my mom is admitted #she’s doing better but I don’t really want to leave her here alone for too long #being stuck in bed feeling like shit all day gets lonely and tiresome so someone’s gotta hang with her #it’s not so bad on my part. I just sit in this chair all night on my phone and then eat breakfast in the cafeteria #easy peasy #I haven’t been home much in the past few days. just a few hours at time to nap and then head back #but it’s good. things are getting better #yup… #I guess that’s it… I don’t know what else to say #you can ignore this #take it sleazy #me #selfie #gross boy

[smrt-1]

Plan for my Tuesday visit to Epcot is to scope out the imagination pavilion heavily and see all the original things I can find and also go to the bathrooms there which I didn’t even know existed but they play the old imagination loop so that’s cool

#also wearing dreamfinder disneybound that day which I’m sure will not be noticed 😭 #I’m also going on Monday after work but that’ll probably just be a jaunt to grab dinner and ride a few things #and then probably going on Wednesday too. bc I’m diseased. access to every park and I only want Epcot #to be fair I’ve been to all the other parks plenty of times by now and I will be going again but I gotta get my Epcot fix before I leave

[hiddenbeks]

i've been hard at work modding skyrem for the past couple days and testing the mods and i just. missed this game so much wow

#i cant play it properly yet!! bc i still have a bunch of mods to go through but #i've installed n tested some texture/environmental mods today n every time i test them i just wanna stay there to wander around.... #alas i must leave... but soon..... i can immerse myself in skyed rim once again...... #please look forward to heidrun hard launch in the coming days or weeks idk #also does anyone know how to use wrye bash. i've never used it before #but i want to use some apparel mods that i think edit the same leveled lists n apparently if i want them all to work together #i gotta make a bashed patch..... scary #el.txt

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#it's so weird trying to describe yourself when u really aren't something u used to be #like until i was probably 21 or so id say i was shy. very very shy. but now im like was that even true? was i ever shy bc im not now #maybe i was just quiet and anxious. maybe thats just what being shy is. but im still both of those things but im not shy #im sorta like a hermit. i dont really go around ppl if i can avoid it but i dont hate being around ppl. its just that im less anxious when #im alone. but if u put me around ppl i like to talk to them so im not shy. ill say whatever. i dont really give a fuck #but if u throw me in a group i go back to being a non entity. i guess thats just being an introvert with an asocial streak #thats a thing i noticed while i was at the grad weekend i attended in march. the group would gather and do things while i kinda just #wandered away from them to poke at trees and sit in the snow. i dunno i just feel better away from ppl. my brain gets a lot louder if ive #been too social. which is a shame bc its interesting to watch ppl and understand how thry work #my friend came over to day goodbye before i leave next week. which was nice. i wish we would have hung out more in person but so it goes #and i think in my head im a lot more contained thst i actually am. like if u set me a task that becomes my focus but im also sorta all over #the place. partly bc i think my brain works on like a lag. and also my mood is a little elevated rn so im sorta like *jazz hands* and #talking too fast and too much and oversharing. yesterday i was instrucing an undergrad and felt so bad bc my brain was all over the place. #could not b made linear. im tired now tho bc theres nothing more draining than being emotionally honest and talking for like 2hrs. woof. it #so hot. like fucking so hot bc the monsoons have started and humidity is up so my swamp cooler is fucked and its gotta b at least 80 degree #inside my apartment. holy christ. and the temp has been over 100 degrees for like at least 2 weeks. its so hot its kinda alarming. and im #glad my friend was also freaked out by how hot its been bc oh god its hot. and i cant focus. ive done fuck all today. but i did get rid of #couch which is so so so great. ugh. someone make the sun stop making it so hot #unrelated #its been over 100 degrees outside for like 2 weeks. not on my apartment #and when i say i wish i spent more time with my friend irl. i mean it in a distant sort of way. like thats how im supposed to feel. like i #dont kno if thats actually what i feel or i kno im supposed to b social but idk if i actually mean it

[tariah23]

Omgggg I rly did work with sm beautiful girls….

#miss cece I miss Steff I miss jade ahhh all of the girls from the spa looked like models I’m just 🧍🏾‍♀️ but I appreciated them all omg #still need to hang out with cece one of these days #she looks like a model but she’s not stuck up about it and is a girls girl like to the truest form I should text her #when I get some money my sis and cece gotta hang out for sure steff needs to be there omg I’ll rly have to dress up then they both look #like models skjssjs #I used to like riding the train back home from work with steff especially since the redline is so unpredictable and dangerous #cece mentioned that she wanted my sis and I to meet her sister… I just found Cece’s insta and her sister is so cute awww #I remember her talking about her sister and where she came from and getting emotional because of her being Syrian and how her family had to #leave there to come to America… and she rec me a movie called ‘swimmers’ or something like that #I’m trying to remember but ah man #rambling #she was so sweet! I know that she’s planning on going to med school and that she has a millionaire bf (we met him at a work party and #played ping pong with his white ass) he was rly nice even tho I got told some… things about him from another coworker… it’s a lot omg… #cece is one of the nicest ppl that you’ll ever meet in rl tho like she’s extremely friendly and funny too #like she looks very sophisticated and like a millionaires model wife is the best way that I Can describe her lol #edit: the movie is called ‘the swimmers’ #I still want to watch it

[fulcrvm]

one of those days i wish i could take my brain and just. hold it gently to give a rest for a minute

#// #i seriously underestimated the emotional and physical effect the events of the past 3-4 months would have on me #not good. #rough. rough day. Im proud of my illustration academic work but i feel so bitter about it. about all the getting booted from my major thing #and everything else #family issues. leaving a home of 8 years. health issues. the whole lot. its all happening #at once!! wonderful #something something adhd venn diagram overlap depressive behavior. i gotta get some help man i cant keep feeling like this

[lovelyisadora]

it isn’t the end of the semester but i’m already having my end of the semester breakdown oh my GOD I am going to have a heart attack. sprite save me

#nothing is done!! not my applications not my interviews etc #I am running out of time to graduate in June and I could just graduate in august but then I have to admit to my family that I fucked up bad #it takes 3-6 weeks to get IRB approval I need to step on it #it’ll take at least 4 for my paid leave forms for work to go through and I don’t know if it’ll get approved #and if it does when do my benefits start #I feel like an idiot where those forms are concerned because it needs an occupation code and I don’t know if it’s specific #or if I can just select the one that best matches my job description and I can’t find that info anywhere #my body is literally shutting down I have two golf ball sized tumors and I can’t get out of bed but I can’t sleep #my car is kaputt and I have to call several different shops to get it seen because the one I took it to couldn’t fix it #and is any of it worth it!! is any of it!! #I cried for like three hours today bc I tried to talk to my mom about it and. well. she was very much a mom about it and not helpful #like yeah! obviously I want to graduate in June! but my research isn’t even approved because I haven’t been able to get myself #to complete the application for the last six months! Jesus Christ! #I can’t sleep and I’m so tired I’m so so tired my brain just straight up isn’t working! #I swear to god if I finally meet with my advisor and he does his well you don’t seem to need my help bullshit again #I’m gonna actually snap and kill him #anyway. need to do three things by end of Wednesday. just three things #clean. irb. and paid leave. that’s it that’s all. #it’s what I’ve tried to do the last four days and I’ve accomplished none of it but. Jesus Christ it’s gotta get done #FOUR THINGS I have to call the shop to get an estimate for a car I’m not even going to bother to fix #ok vent session over #delete later #fkdjdjshhaa im a MESS #sprite save me 😭 #save me sprite. save me

[corpsoir]

took out weeks worth of recycling, did 2 weeks worth of dishes, cleaned my windows, hoovered the rugs, put away all the cans and bottles for recycling later . the horrors was just the gunk all around me who wouldve thunk

#still gotta clean my bathroom and closet and take the laundry tomorrow but im feeling good ^_^ #the day started nice with my former supervisor texting me an article about appropriating/appreciating heritage that was really interesting #crossing all of my fingers that i get to keep working with them this autumn UGH #even though ive mostly just been cleaning and cooking and sweating today its been a good day so far #i hate cleaning and especially doing the dishes its so difficult for me to just get it done #thankfully im at least kind to myself and only leave dishes without a bunch of food on them in the sink lol at least i rinse them first

[despairforme]

If he doesn't get milkshake today...

#[ SAY NO MORE SIR ] #[ hello guys !! i was v busy yesterday ] #[ had to drive my s/o to the airport ] #[ 4 hours each way t-t 8 hours t-t cry ] #[ and now i'm all alone for three weeks RIP ] #[ mah i'm gonna go and visit my parents today and stay for a few days ] #[ justttt gotta clean and tidy the house before i leave ] #[ i loooove leaving things neat and tidy uvu ] #[ i'll bring my laptop so hopefully i can do some writing 8) ] #[ i am 4k behind atm so GOTTA WORK HARD ] #[ hope you're all doing goooood ] #despair for me. ╱ in character.

[albatris]

I have a full day tattoo tomorrow, maybe 8 hours, I'm going to get so much rental car writing done on my phone! (lying)

#best of intentions #but probly I'll be 2 sleepy and out of it lol #gotta get up earleeeeeweey #tomorrow i will be working on the tag on my murderboard titled #Nat Finch had the single most distressing week of his young life so far #<3! #his eyes bleed in front of his mechanic! he has a panic attack in a doctor's waiting room! he has sudden murderous cravings! the #mysterious force that's plaguing his body and altering his organs starts doing freaky agonising shit to his stomach and STOPS as #soon as someone calls an ambulance on nat again and people try to help him then STARTS AGAIN immediately after they leave #like it doesn't want to get fucking found out and is sentient enough to know it's being observed :) #nat is just like #why does the sun hurt make me hurt. what is this new allergic reaction. why is everything so loud all the time. wow these #intrusive thoughts sure are rough. why am i so hungry all the time no matter what i eat. whats with this fucking #perfume i keep smelling on everyone its so annoying it smells delicious and keeps reminding me how hungry i am :((( #whats happening to me :((( #lmao looks like someone didn't read the blurb before they signed on to be protagonist <3 #but yeah lmao he goes to beg his mechanic not to charge him extra but midway through the conversation #he coughs up blood and his eyes start glowing and bleeding and get kinda red and demonic lookin n whatever n #his mechanic is suddenly just like UH ACTUALLY NEVER MIND DONT WORRY ABOUT PAYING HAVE A NICE DAY #aka ''whatever the fuck this guy is i want nothing to do with it'' #n nat is just like #aww that was nice! i dont really get why he did that but I'm not complaining! maybe he just thought i was a bit down and took #pity on me? #<- has no idea he looked like a fucking demon sent straight from hell

[killbaned]

my brain: crisis core tonight? crisis core tonight king?

me: NO

#you're only asking because you know it's not technically a work night and that's why i haven't started it yet #but i have a couple tasks i must force myself to do tomorrow #so that tuesday and wednesday i can not leave the house and finish fighting off the mystery illness so we gotta go to bed reasonably #i feel like it's 65% gone atp. #also fun update: at least four other people at my job have either had it in the last 9 days or currently have it #so i definitely picked it up from one of them. #my one asm last was so fucked up he sounded like a 12 y/o boy all night (he is a fully grown man)