#'youve been dead this whole time! but youre gonna die for real right after this jsyk.'

[jensenackle]

so, falling in love? the greatest thing in the world. makes u feel invencible like you could swallow the entire world raw and nobody could stop you. You'd like to think you could go on and on forever talking about love but its been so long you dont even remember anymore

getting your heart broken? well that is something. at first you feel like its the end of the world. And you know what? it kinda is. not in the "im going to die because of this" way, but instead, its like you wake up from the haze and reality hits you in the chest so damn hard it takes your breath away. it is raw and the most painful thing in the world, to think the person you trusted and loved more than anyone just betrayed your trust and stabbed you in the back. its not that they're unfaithful the thing that hurts, not entirely, but rather that they knew it would hurt you, and they did it all the same. and then lied about it. And you know damn well that once you start telling lies you can never stop and now you're like a snowball tumbling down getting bigger as the moments pass by, but its all gonna come crashing down inevitably. its losing the trust you had put in that person and now you cant even believe your etes because nothing seems true anymore. Is the sky really blue? The grass green? Or am i just blind to the truth?

trying to work things out means forgiveness and apologies and forgetting and getting over. it truly means turning the page around, period. there's no other way, you can't bend this to work like you'd like. Because that's when things get ugly. And i mean really fucking ugly and you feel like you've lost yourself because suddenly you're acting like you've never have before, like you said you never would. And its new and terrifying and so bad and ugly you're scared you're stepping into the darkest version of you and you don't even recognize yourself.

you start asking yourself questions, like what have they done to me? but also what have i allowed people to turn me into? and also why? Mostly why. And you can't wrap your head around this, because life was like a bliss and you felt divine but now you feel like someone's attached an anchor to your ankle and thrown you to the deepest ocean and youre sinking and drowning and struggling, and you know life changes fast but why did it have to change to this? did i really deserve it?

but you didn't deserve it. The betrayal and feeling like dying and the depression and that one time when you first stepped outside your house in the aftermath, after weeks of being in bed and not sleeping at all barely eating and crying yourself to sleep, and you couldn't keep the tears from falling or the sobs from coming out your mouth because you were overwhelmed. You didnt deserve it, and you werent responsable for that either. None of it was your fault, and maybe the guilt of "what if i had done anything different?" will leave your body someday.

But it was them. They're the ones that screwed you over and then claimed to love you. You can understand now, though, that they're humans because we all are and we all make mistakes. But you can't forgive, him treating you like a fool and lying and going behind your back. You've never forgotten nor forgiven. And you had to get back at him didn't you? Had to have your revenge.

But he didn't deserve it either and that eats you up but you wont do anything about it because its not your place to do so. Because you'll try to justify yourself but you were in the wrong. Tried to convince yourself you were over and done, could fall in love again, and he wasnt a rebound. Nope, not all. He was the real thing. But you know now you were lying to yourself back then. He was convenient. And willing. And you kinda liked but you know he liked you a lot so you took advantage. I know its no fair putting it in those words, its not like you were conscious about what you were doing, so far down in denial, but its what you did anyway and now you have to own up to it. Now youve hurt a lot of people and yourself too, some didnt deserve it and some did, just because you tried to cover up your feelings. How did that work out for you, baby girl?

Getting back with an ex is a big no-no, you've learnt your lesson or you're starting to, trying to, wanting to. Because the shit thats in the past should fucking stay in the past. Its there for a reason anyway, digging it up will amount to nothing eventually. And im talking about feelings and emotions and situations and friendships and lovers. The whole deal. Whats dead should say well, dead. It died right? And trying to bring it back to life will make it morph into something new. But if youre lucky, like really fucking lucky, the new thing will be good and bright and beautiful. But if youre like me? Luck has never been on our side. And now the zombie will try to please you and you'll try to please him too until you find yourself reaching for the shotgun and pointing it right to them while they're coming for you.

Because the new is gonna be so exciting at first, like you've been missing out on life all the time you've been away from them like you finally can breath. But then the spell is over and reality hits you and guess what? It's ugly, obviously. It always was but you just didnt wanna see it but now the curtain is up and the blindfold is gone and you have to go and confront yourself and tell yourself the truth.

It'll be ages till you listen though. Denial, again. I kinda feel like that's become our thing. And nasty little habit, that is. And even when you finally start to listen, you will withdraw again. Reach out for the cover again. Because the truth is ugly and painful and you dont want that. You dont want to believe your fairytale love doesnt get happy ending, probably never will. And it will come crashing down and burning, like it has in the past, like you've so desperately tried to avoid. No one wants to face that

But life is what it is whether you like it or not and avoiding the inevitable will only make things harder and thats right - uglier. But maybe if you could hold on into that last bright thing... maybe you could fix it all. But you know you can't.

Too much shit has happened now. You've got baggage now. Not that you didn't have it before from your insecurities and years of teenage depression but it wasnt like this. Never like this. Back then you didn't like your self but you trusted your convictions and rules and now that you've done all the shit you said you wouldn't, who are you now? What do you believe in anymore? Do you believe in anything? Now you second guess.

You would have jumped had he asked. Would have done anything for him, and it sounds pretty but it isn't and you've lost yourself so damn deep you're never finding that again so it would be better to rebuild from scratch, right? But now you're longing and nostalgic for who you were, and what it was and how you felt. Like walking on clouds.

But then it hits you and you feel like you can't even breath: you don't feel like that anymore. And even if you want to turn your head away from this you can't. And now you have to do something. You owe it to yourself, after all. Can't waste more of her heart and time.

And it's a slow path. Bunch of rocks in the way. It's hard to walk and you keep turning back but keep walking forward because it's the only thing to do, even if you want to go back, and you want, but you cant. Hoping that you wont. Even if it hurts. For you.

And here we are at the end of things. The end of the world. The world you built for yourself and him that no longer will be and everything will die with it, the inside jokes and knowing each other and the old memories and the new memories and everything in between. Breaking up, if it was true love, will feel like dying because parts of you will (the ones you were with him and the ones he takes with you) and will feel like the world is shattering around you because it is.

Falling out of love? Not as fun as falling in. But you learn more. Lose a lot more than just people, but you lose perspective on the beauty of life and of love. Especially love. You become bitter and cynical. You desperately want to view life bright again because now it feels as if someone dimmed the lights. And at the same time you want to embrace the new thoughts. Arent sure which one is the bad and which the good, or if there is a good or bad at all, and now you're confused and conflicted.

It takes time. I'm still trying to figure out.

#txt #personal #october 2020 #22 years old #i just kinda summed up the last three years of my life here #private diary

[punkscowardschampions]

Ronnie & Joe

Ronnie: where the fuck mckenna Joe: stuck at this thing Ronnie: like i fucking said Ronnie: where Joe: oh Joe: this kid from my course was doing open mic so we all had to show up Ronnie: youve done youre time then yeah Joe: overtime Joe: i wanna be home bad Ronnie: leave Ronnie: whats keeping you there Joe: them Joe: you know how people are Joe: buying me more drinks Ronnie: fuck em Ronnie: down whatever youre on & fuck off Joe: i will Joe: i am Joe: you picked up or am i Ronnie: its on you Ronnie: for the radio silence Joe: come on baby Joe: can't hear myself in here nevermind my phone Ronnie: not your fucking baby Joe: don't be like that Ronnie: i dont only exist when its quiet in your head Ronnie: thank fuck Joe: no one does then Joe: that's the whole point ain't it Ronnie: the point is where the fuck have you been Joe: i told you ron Joe: if i didnt have to i wouldn't be gone from you Ronnie: if you werent a pussy you wouldnt have to do fuck all Ronnie: grow a pair for christs sake Ronnie: baby is fucking right Joe: ive got to go out sometime Joe: if i didn't show to uni i couldn't afford half the shit we cop Ronnie: you aint at classes Ronnie: so unless some bitch off it is paying you to escort i call bullshit Joe: sadly not Joe: see if any of 'em are game maybe Ronnie: with 1 foot out the door Ronnie: you wish Ronnie: no fucking game when youre trying to play fuck all except cello Joe: 💘 for my cello skills Ronnie: youve got groupies Ronnie: go cry to em like Joe: you're sick of me, yeah Ronnie: work it out cunt Joe: we don't need to play games Ronnie: goin from baby to middle fucking aged aint cute Joe: you've got it covered for the both of us Ronnie: fuck you Joe: now I can't call you cute Ronnie: you cant call me old shithead Joe: i weren't idiot Joe: come on Joe: it'll all be good when i get there Ronnie: you come on Ronnie: I could be fucking dead Joe: you aren't Joe: don't say that Ronnie: no thanks to you Ronnie: or fucks given by you Joe: stop it Joe: you're the only person i care about Joe: literally Joe: not even myself Ronnie: & this is how you show it yeah Joe: i'm shit Joe: i know it but i never told you no different Ronnie: get another drink bought for you mckenna Ronnie: drown in it Joe: we got better plans Joe: and methods Ronnie: stop pissing about then Joe: will you be my baby again Ronnie: not that easy Joe: what if i get you something special Ronnie: do it & find out Ronnie: why the fuck would i commit to a yeah for a maybe Joe: 'cos you know i'm gonna Ronnie: your word is for shit Ronnie: i know that Joe: fine Joe: i'll stop talking Ronnie: promises promises baby Joe: 😶 Ronnie: left yet Joe: just me and my two feet Joe: no promises Ronnie: if you aint & youre silent on me to talk to some other bitch you wont be walking anywhere Ronnie: thats a fucking promise like Joe: if you were trying to get me to go faster Joe: why would i wanna talk to anyone else Ronnie: why else go out with those doss cunts Joe: part of it is keeping 'em thinking i'm normal Joe: can't just show up and nod out Ronnie: youre the only 1 with your ma on speed dial Ronnie: who fucking cares Joe: means i don't need to go back don't it Joe: or would you rather i was in dublin every other weekend Joe: i do what i gotta for a reason you know that Ronnie: theres fuck all need to have that many playmates Ronnie: if you planned that it was to piss me off Joe: i wouldn't need to plan that Ronnie: fuck you Joe: and i didn't Joe: they're boring Ronnie: 💔 Joe: i am Joe: i miss you Ronnie: you dont Joe: yeah i fucking do Ronnie: you fucking dont Joe: how do you want me to prove it Joe: tell me Ronnie: i aint spoonfeeding you ever day of your fucking life Ronnie: not that bitch Joe: you want it you ask for it Ronnie: you wanna prove yourself do it Joe: i will Ronnie: 💘 Ronnie: picked a boss day for romance Joe: have i Joe: i'm always romantic Ronnie: dont you know what day it is Joe: oh Joe: lol yeah Joe: i'll get you garage flowers instead Ronnie: fuck off Ronnie: theyll die quicker than you Joe: picky Joe: put the rig to another use after then Joe: 🥀 v classic Ronnie: ill carve it into my arm as you like it so much Ronnie: cheers for the easy design Joe: you could wait 'til I'm there Joe: so mean, baby Ronnie: course you wanna watch Ronnie: putting down the glass like Joe: if you don't know me by now Ronnie: so misunderstood yeah Joe: 💔 Joe: you wish Ronnie: yeah you know me proper well Joe: bollocks Ronnie: keep the sweet talk coming baby Joe: that's not what you like Joe: silence is golden Ronnie: you reckon you know what i like now Joe: yeah Ronnie: took you long enough Joe: you been waiting all your life yeah Ronnie: shut the fuck up Ronnie: puked enough today cheers Joe: see? s'your favourite Joe: can't get enough Ronnie: hating you fuels me Ronnie: aint denying it Joe: you're so welcome Ronnie: got that from your avoidance tactics Joe: i'll turn around then Joe: give you a real reason to live Ronnie: try it Ronnie: ill fucking kill you Joe: have to come find me first Ronnie: yeah & Joe: you threatening me with a good time ain't how this day is supposed to go Joe: know that much Ronnie: itll go however the fuck i say Joe: yeah? Ronnie: you know that much about me mckenna Joe: ain't denying nothing me Ronnie: too busy doing it round your besties Joe: 'cos i don't owe them shit Joe: only you get to know me like that Ronnie: you said you were killing the sweet talk Joe: it ain't its just how it is Joe: you know me Joe: no one else, end of Ronnie: come be with me then Joe: i am Joe: one stop but that'll be worth it Joe: come to mine and stay yeah Joe: don't wanna see the others Ronnie: ill be there before you Ronnie: few streets away Joe: good Joe: i like it when you're there Ronnie: want me to kick the door in so your flatmate girlfriend has a heart attack Joe: go on Joe: if she lives i'll say you forgot your keys Ronnie: ill say its your 💘 day pressie Ronnie: all for you baby Joe: if you're also in a mac, believable Joe: her boyfriend dumped her so she'll definitely be in Ronnie: tonights the night for that 3some Ronnie: hot Joe: only if you kill her first 😏 Ronnie: we need her tears for lube Ronnie: think it through like Joe: we've always got blood, baby Ronnie: keep it up & ill deffo stay Joe: forever Ronnie: ive been waiting all fucking day for you Joe: i'm sorry Joe: i'm making it up to you, alright Ronnie: i mean hurry up Joe: 🚖 it and everything Ronnie: your gf will be thrilled Ronnie: can hear her crying from here like Joe: maybe its the cat Joe: very similar Ronnie: watch your fucking mouth bitch Joe: 😂 Ronnie: 😾 Joe: you're both very cute Ronnie: say that again & well both fuck you up Joe: adorable Ronnie: 🖕 Joe: 👼 you Ronnie: you wish soft cunt Joe: nah Joe: but i'll survive Ronnie: you fucking wont Ronnie: i know you like Ronnie: & what you like Joe: 'cos its you Joe: all you Ronnie: ruined your gfs rom com Ronnie: shes gonna need some of whatever the fuck youre bringing Joe: too bad Joe: its for you Joe: i might have some benzos she can have though Ronnie: 💘 Ronnie: its wild being here when you aint & she is Joe: rude of her to have her drug-fuelled orgies when i ain't in Ronnie: party can really start now i am Ronnie: know shes dying to break the tension Ronnie: 👊💋 Joe: won't make you wait for me on that score, babe Ronnie: like you could Ronnie: bitch is ready to go Joe: you trying to make me jealous of sophie Ronnie: wouldnt use her Ronnie: fuck that Joe: awh Joe: 👼 Ronnie: you trying to say shes hot enough to bait you Ronnie: step your pussy up mckenna Joe: no Joe: i'm saying if you wanted to i would Joe: i'd obviously do anything for and with you Ronnie: we aint taking her virginity Ronnie: youre hard enough fucking work Joe: shut up 😏 Ronnie: make me baby Joe: that's part 2 of the plan Ronnie: you gonna talk me through it or you gonna do it Joe: i know what you like Joe: and how you feel about talking Joe: even if it ain't no empty words bullshit Ronnie: youve still got your tongue Ronnie: means i must wanna hear some shit youve got to say Joe: that means i can tell you all how you won't regret giving sid my tongue as a toy when it can be yours Ronnie: you wont regret leaving those cunts there & coming back to me Ronnie: [pics from his bed like hey it's me] Joe: i already knew that Joe: but keep reminding me whilst i wait for the man Ronnie: you gotta know it harder Joe: you'll know how hard i know it Joe: i'll make you feel it too Ronnie: you can keep you fingers unbroken too like Ronnie: typing that shit while we both wait Joe: don't reckon much to a dealer's idea of foreplay Joe: and i've waited too long for you already Ronnie: youve gotta bring it to em baby Ronnie: junkie law states it aint a real addiction til youve sucked a dick for it Ronnie: romance him Ronnie: [pics again like these will inspire you] Joe: fuck Joe: how 'bout I stay up here on my high horse and enjoy just being addicted to you then Ronnie: how bout you come the fuck home Ronnie: now Joe: yeah Joe: i gotta Joe: i need to see you right now Joe: i got what i really wanted we can top up later Ronnie: ill go out then Ronnie: they plug me faster than theyll do it for you Joe: can't blame 'em Ronnie: yeah you still smell like 🍒 Joe: and they know they ain't getting nothing sucked Ronnie: you could do a toe Ronnie: dont be a pussy Joe: 😂 Joe: i think they'd rather my money Joe: not cute like you Ronnie: fuck you Ronnie: big cal is well into it Joe: tempting Ronnie: hell tell you how pretty you are Joe: just what i need Ronnie: yeah i know Joe: nah you know what i really am Joe: and that's what i want Ronnie: ive got eyes like Joe: me too Joe: even when they're half-shut or pinholed Ronnie: cute Joe: you Ronnie: dont Joe: why Ronnie: cause fucking dont Joe: alright Ronnie: fucks sake Joe: forget it Joe: i'm practically in the door Ronnie: make me

[missjackil]

A Dose of SPN Positivity!

For those who know me, they know I love this show.... flaws and all! im critical sometimes, but not overly. Bottom line, I am addicted to the story and Im in love with Sam and Dean.  With Season 14 about to start, and we’re all getting antsy, too much negativity has been flying around, so I want to share some things i love most about the show, and maybe make some of you reflect for a moment and think “Yeah, that is pretty great” and smile.  Supernatural has been referred to as “The Little Show That Could” and to me, its such a fitting description. Logically, on the surface, it looks like it just can’t. I mean, how can a fantasy/horror show, survive with such a low budget, light special effects, and not very scary most of the time. I mean hell, they dont even have that many monsters that look like monsters, so why has it lasted longer than a season or 2? Let alone, 14 seasons with no signs of stopping yet. First and foremost is obvious. Sam and Dean and the actors who play them.  This essay will be full of gushing about these boys, so if you dont feel like enduring such a hardship, scroll on past. if that interests you.....

Yes these 2 fabulous men are the life blood of this show. Without them, we’d have nothing. THEY are the reason, this little show can, and does. Even those who like one and not the other, even if they dont realize it, the one they prefer is who they are because of the other. Both of their qualities and flaws can be directly linked to their influence on each other. If for some reason the other was gone for good, the one left will change drastically. As we see when one is dead or in grave danger, albeit temporarily, the other changes. Sam is no longer sweet, laid back and practical, and Dean is no longer funny, charming, and nurturing.  In fact, they both seem to become an amplified version of their brother. When Sam dies, Dean gets quiet, sometimes too quiet. He also gets methodical and focused. You may get lucky and just get shot in the back, but if he chooses to speak, he chooses his words to let you know shits gonna hit the fan. “You have my brother, and you have one chance, just one, to hand him over, and if he isnt in one peice, when I find you, and I WILL find you, I will take you apart” Sam on the other hand is boiling over with emotion. My boy becomes savage. He doesnt always choose a lot of words to say, he gets his whole point across most of the time with “WHERES MY BROTHER???!!!!” This... my friends, is good stuff! These things couldnt be done with such beauty without Jared and Jensen. Their offscreen relationship, whatever it may be, is wonderful. Theres no denying the love and respect they have for each other. They are very supportive of each other, and help make the other better at their job. They’re not typical actors who have a work relationship but otherwise spend time with each other. They genuinely enjoy being together, and this shows on screen. When two people are this good at their jobs, and with each other, you just have to keep watching. Other things I love about the show, are kinda small. Some maybe youve never noticed, but maybe now you will and enjoy them too, like... Brains vs Brawn: At first glance, we all go Sam=brains, Dean=brawn right? But thats not actually the case. Dean is far from stupid, and Sam is nowheres near a wimp. Dean teases Sam about being a nerd, and Sam doesnt mind, he kinda wears his nerdiness like a badge of honor. Dean will never admit to being a nerd, but he is. He’s read Vonnegut, knows every old west cowboy statistic, and likes LARPing. Sam, though a bookworm, is one tough mofo. hes tall and muscular and has shown to be a little freakishly strong. He can also take a great deal of pain. And though Dean is known more to be the fighter, he can be very warm and nurturing. And nerdy Sam can make you shit your pants with just a look if you piss him off just right. I absolutely LOVE this balance!! Its one of my favorite things! Old school vs New; A lot has changed in 14 seasons. The brothers have grown, as well as the story, but their roots are never forgotten. They’re still driving around in the same car. Hell. Baby has become the 3rd lead! Even though they have mom back, they never forgot her, or dad, and both were spoken of often throughout the series. They refer back to old days often, so we can all get a feel of nostalgia when we remember too. Most episodes bring the deep past up in one way or another, I love this! Loss and Death: I know so many of us complain that they die and come back too much, but I have a real appreciation for it, The circumstances are always different, and so are the methonds of coming back. Sometimes the death isnt serious, or they dont “seem” dead, like in First Blood or Dark Side of the Moon, when there may have been an initial “wtf?” we got to see them in heaven, and in first blood, they came right back. However there was deep seriousness in All Hell Breaks Loose, No Rest for the Wicked,  Do You Believe in Miracles, Swan Song, Red Meat and Beat The Devil that you felt the dying brother’s physical pain, and then the emotional pain of the surviving brother.  No matter how many times they die, they still hit these types of episodes out of the park. WE may know theyre coming back, but they dont. it still crushes them and I love this! Sam and Dean’s Sexuality: I love that their sexual natures are different, but theyre both okay. Dean is sexually active, enjoys porn and vocalizes some fantasies, Though Sam can tease him a little, its just brotherly ribbing, its not judgemental or trying to make Dean feel bad. Sam isnt overly sexual, he’s gone many seasons without sex at all. He doesnt appear to enjoy porn, we know he doesnt like strip clubs, and its NOT because he’s unattractive!! Dean teases him but he doesnt try to make him feel bad. When he has heavily suggested that Sam get laid, its just because he wants him to have fun. Dean even said he appreciated that Sam wanted to stay pure and waited. Otherwise, its okay that Sam is (at least kinda) asexual. Neither are shunned or judged because of their sexuality. Winsync: This is one of the greatest things. if they didnt do this, we wouldnt care, we would never say “It would be a much better show if the brothers mirrored each other, or did the same thing at the same time” but for whatever reason, TPTB wanted this, and it works so well! Its an intimacy we can see without the show going OTT bromantic. Its the connection, the closeness, and being soulmates. I LOVE this! Soulmates and Brothers: Normally a show will make soulmates out of lovers. It’s not often they do it with siblings. It helps justify their deep love and devotion. It adds an additional layer to their relationship. It makes them so tied together that they will share eternity in heaven together, and not just in their memories. This was a very good decision made by Kripke and crew, so we will all know they cant live without each other, even if they just lived in different homes. I love this! Meta Madness: Though I dont like all the meta episodes, I do love the fact they can do them, and DO do them. Because the whole premise is the supernatural, nothing is impossible, even AUs and cartoon worlds. Sometimes I might roll my eyes, but its awesome to me that they can experiment this way and see how it goes. I Love this!! The Bros are Oblivious: Sam and Dean have been through basically everything, and have seen and done everything, yet they seem shocked when people say theyre famous, or when they heard people tell stories about them. Occasionally they grasp their importance, like when they tell people they save the world, but they were impressed that Asa fixed killed 5 Wendigo, and had an Angel Blade, and Father Luca met the Pope. I mean God hung out at the bunker and made them pancakes! Their Heads Dont Get Too Big: Every once in a while, TPTB make sure we, and the boys, remember that they are only human. Even if they lock away Satan, kill Death, save God’s life, they’re just men. Remember when Bobby died and Dean was sure he wouldnt because “its just one bullet!” ? I can see how it would seem so silly to Dean, and even to us, that someone who has lived through so much, could die from a stupid little bullet. I think that one of the smartest things the show has done in ages, was to have Sam tortured by Toni and friend. Sam was so bold and cocky (and need I say sexy?) telling Toni he’d been tortured by the devil himself, and what could she do to him... He soon learned Hell torture or not,  cold showers still suck, blow torches to the feet still hurt like hell, and a mortal human can still fuck with his head. And Dean, well he can still be put on the injured reserve list from a jacked up leg. IMO S12 was great for re-humanizing the Winchesters. I love this! Comedy to Tragedy: Some of the best episodes, started out funny and ended in a tear jerker. Mystery Spot, Just My Imagination, and Beat The Devil top my list. I love the emotional rollar coaster, Coming away exhausted from an episode is the bestthing I can ask for! They havent tried it the other way around, tragedy to comedy, and thats good. If you are crying at the beginning and laughing later, it doesnt justify the grief and you may feel let down and hollow after. SPN is great with having some humor in even the most depressing episodes, but they know when using it and leaving it out is best. I love this! Brohugs: My #1 favorite thing, aside from the hug in 6.1, they have all been beautiful. Not once, have the boys lost the love, or even repeated the same hug. Each one conveys a different message, a different emotion, but all say “I love you more than everything” and I wont ever get tired of them! I would do anything for a single hug in my whole life that had such love in it, as any Winchester bro hug! I.LOVE.THIS!! Now I hope if you read this far, you got to smile a few times, and a spark was added to the fire that you fell in love with 14 seasons ago. Here’s to S14, i hope its filled with all of these wonderful things!

#supernatural #show positive #sam winchester #dean winchester #spn forever

[multiversememories]

I remember closer to when we were just starting to work together, like we were still in Australia, and i lost my arm n leg. Not at once, my arm went first.

Happened when we were going after the queen's loot. I cant remember the exact details but i fucked up while roadie took out a buncha gold and off it went, bitch cut it off or something. She was gonna kill me too till roadie came back for me. He called me an idiot, hed warned me about trailing behind and getting destracted. I remember laughing it off even though it hurt like hell and i was bleeding really /really/ bad. He was worried, even if it didnt show. I remember later on hed admitted that hed been worried, he felt like it was his fault.

My leg wasnt a whole lot later, out in the wasteland cause we werent allowed in junkertown after that. We were caught off guard, itd been a real quiet day no one had bothered us and we were planming on getying outta Australia. Roadie was fucking around with his bike, fixing the sidecar or something i think and i was hunting for anything that would be good to eat

(i mean we had some food, it hadnt been long since wed left town and a buncha people owed roadie favours so he could get stuff with minimal threatenining and killing and stuff but i mean, id seen something move and when mostof your life youve been scavenging and hunting and eating whatever you found it was just kinda habit)

Some other junkers had set up traps, like mine, and i wasnt expecting it and i stepped in one and it snapped around my ankle and i remember yelling out in pain then something was thrown at me. Hit the ground beside me and blew up. It was like, a bomb with acid and chemicals and shit and it got all over my leg and it fucking /hurt/.

Its kinda messy after that, there was yelling and roadie fucked em up and while he was doing that i was trying to pull my leg free and i was yelling and my ankle came loose from the trap but my foot didnt because my leg was /soft/ and it was disturbingly easy to tear free cause of that chemical shit and it was like, eating up my leg and it hurt a lot and i honestly thought i was going to die.

Then roadie was there and he was trying to calm me down and he had to cut it off mid thigh with his hook i couldn't see his face because of his mask but i remember his hands shaking as he held me down to do it.

I remember him walking away, like... he juat stood up and stared at me fir a second before turning around and walking away while im still on the ground surrounded by dead junkers and blood with what was left of my leg beside me and i remember yelling at him, screaming mean things and crying and begging him not to leave me there because i was scared and we had a deal and /i didn't want to die like this/ but he just kept walking and i screamed at him until i couldn't scream. Even when i couldnt see him anymore.

I dunno how long i was alone. I dont remember how long i sat there. It couldn't have been too long considering i wasnt dead yet. But he did come back and he appologized, like, a lot (well a lot for him. Was probably the first time i saw him emotional like that ) and he promised he could help and he knew someone who could help. Feom what i remember he never actually told me why he left or why he came back. thats really all i remember of that right now

#junkrat kin #overwatch kin #memories #roadie #rat.post

[songsummoner]

mew: evoire /please/ you have to listen! mew: i-i'm sort of tired.. i'm getting older... which means if you stay with me, you sort of are too... i don't know, how much longer i'm going to really last at this rate... evoire: then by all means borrow more of what i have to give you! mew: but i dont want to! i feel so strained e-even when i do that! its been a whole lifetime of that for me! looks at where hed be looking at his ghosthand if he still hand it please... please listen to me.... mew: im offering you a new chance at life! you can make your own kingdom and everything! you wont have to use me to do it! that slipped out by accident and he covers his mouth evoire: .. /what/ did you say? mew: i- i- evoire: everything i have ever done, have ever said, has been for the both of us!!! not just me, but you as well boy! mew: i'm not a boy anymore evoire! i dont need to rely on you to live my life! and its unfair to you that you have to for me! its-- its unfair to me too!! it feels like im always being watched behind my back and, and at first it felt like it was being protected! like someone had my back yeah! but now that im older, and more capable on my own.. it just feels like youre carrying me by the scruff of the back of my neck.. mew: i... i love this kningdom! and i love the people here you know that! evoire: indeed i do! as do i and you know that as well! i care for this new generation and will do /anything/ to guard them... because tell me, mew, who else is going to be as inclusive as this here very kingdom /together/ we slowly but very surely transformed hm?! no one! its completely up to us! mew: ive felt like that for a long time... and im not, im not really sure if its because its how /ive/ really felt all along or.. it was just you.... long sigh maybe its both. mew: but that still doesnt give anyone the right to take our independance or happieness away! evoire: im perfectly happy the way everything is!.... mew: long pause ... well im not. evoire: what? mew: quietly y..you heard me.... evoire: menacing and about to loose it but cools himself down, slicks his hair back its fine, its fine. well. i do care about you, chi-.... mew. i do. youve done many a great thing in your life and look where its landed you. mew: .. im looking... evoire: you want to give it all up? mew: n-not necessarily... not just up and leave at least... but... mew: i dont need this kingdom to make me happy. evoire: gasps mew, since when have you become so selfish?! this is all for the greater good, what are one or two lives for /thousands/? mew: im tired. im getting older. and i want to live the last few days of my life happy evoire. mew: and i know.. youre... interested... in having more time. more time to rule a kingdom. more time for yourself in general. mew: but im tired. and im growing closer to be finishing my chapter of this life off. evoire: y-you cant just /leave/ mew- mew: i can, if i want. and i dont care if that gets me disgraced. you know ive never cared much about those kinds of things. evoire: if you do that you wont just be disgraced as a king, youll be disgraced as a /man/ mew: flinches at that but sighs afterwards im.. fine with that. mew: i still have friends. i still have family. and theyll still love me. mew: thats more than you can say, isnt it. evoire: obviously furious but silent mew: and.. i think i get it. sort of. maybe right now, since its been like this so long, maybe... maybe at the time im all you have. but youre not all /i/ have anymore evoire. mew: im asking you politely to inherit a new body. im giving you a choice. mew: but i want you to grab your own chance at happieness. im doing the same by doing this. evoire: how could you not know im perfectly content the way everything is?!?! mew: i get it! youre /comfortable/! but im not! not anymore! i dont like being watched every second! ive come to learn thats not normal! and just- ugh! turns his back on evoire frustrated evoire: mew... you know, things are fine the way they are. mew: frustrated tears forming as he turns back to the mirror no, they arent, and i /know/ you know it evoire. mew: things werent ever meant to be like this. mew: i was meant to die that day. and you saved me. and for that i cannot honestly ever thank you enough. but i think its time that we finally take our own paths, instead of walking together. mew: i dont know what road youre taking, but i know withouta doubt were too different to both be living like this and to both be happy at this point. mew: evoire.. i know youre capable of being happy. everyone is. evoire: softly but.. i am... mew: you /think/ you are but were you /ever/ really content? with being backseat in a body for how long? for only controling my body in spurts at best? mew: i get it- it beats being stuck in a lance for who knows how long. mew: but i know its not enough for you. mew: its /never/ enough for you. evoire: i- mew: i understand! that you dont want to be alone! im terrified of it honestly as well! its something new and thats scary! mew: i /know/ you were just afraid and lost and confused as i was when we first met! but i get that you had to be the adult and just take it! mew: and now its my turn... to consolt you! to tell you, that everything is going to be okay! despite my and your fears /both/! its going. to be. alright. its not the end of the world. mew: and although maybe... itll be the end of /our/ worlds... together.... mew: i dont think it ever will be completely. mew: hand over heart ill always rememebr you. and i can only hope youll always rememebr me. and like that, i dont think either of us can never really fade away into oblivion. evoire: quiet for a stupid long time and slowly starts to lower his guard, to look down, to have ghost tears forming at the edge of his eyes. hes defeated. hes tired. and hes done as well. he knows, just like centries before, hes lost this fight as well- whether it was expected eventually or not. evoire: so quietly dont... do this to me...... mew: softly smiles youll be okay.... you can finally make new friends like this you know. new family. your friends /can/ be your family. and itll be great. mew: itll be... whatever you want to make of it. mew: the worlds gonna be your oyster! fancy free! no one can tell you what to do or when to do it or anything after this! evoire: .... mew. mew: huh? yeah? evoire: must we not... ever see each other again after this? mumbles that but mew hears it mew: smiles of course not! evoire, im just tired of having a room mate whos constantly in my face! i dont mind seeing you again! youre my friend! evoire: ... huh.... friend. mew: head tilt you never knew? evoire: ... i mean..... mew: huffs a bit well! dont worry about it, we can make sure you dont doubt it after we go through with this! evoire: i.. dont really have a choice regardless, do i? mew: uh...... im not, going to really answer that hahah. mew: i mean the other answer would just to let your soul roam free into wherever the dead go. mew: maybe youd see your old friends and family again if you did! mew: but i know you dont want that yet- i know you didnt get to live your life to its fullest yet! mew: but... i dont think you really did it through me. mew: i mean! mew: im so happy you got to see so much more /through/ me! mew: but i know your story isnt over yet. and neither is mine. warm glow evoire: .... gives a ghost of a smile that turns into a bit of a more real smile ... yes. it certainly is not.

[trippz2ill2ace8itout]

🌙🌙🔥🌙🌙||HOPE #4; ||You Know My Name, Not My Story||🌙🌙🔥🌙🌙

🌙🌙🔥🔥facebook, this is part of my life story, this is in the past. Im in no way a harm to myself and others. Thank u. PART FOUR!!!🌟🌟🥀🥀 *SatanslashGod; im gonna pray, i think God is calling me to fufill His duties. I was homeless for the 13th time. I walked the streets for days. I got possessed by God. And i acted out bizarrely insanely dangerously, abnormally, like an animal. I stayed up for 3 days straight. And taking extra of my medication. I had a full blown physcotic break. I didnt kniw my name. I was talking like a baby, waving my arms in the air. I lost all my senses. I forgot how to function. I got admitted to Loma Linda ER, and they took me in right away. I was like nonresponsive. I was an animal, a vegetable. I was dysfunctional. And then they transferred me to Loma Linda BMC. Mental hospital. While i was there i acted out. They put me on concervertaship, i had a hearing, and i saw the judge. It was my over 200th mental hospital. And the judge almost sent me to an institution but i lied, and i got off. Ive been concervered over 5 times. I gor diagnosed with ovee 10+ mental illnesses. Critically/Clinically Insane && The Most High Maitnence Case In The System. When i was 12 i sold my soul to the devil. And i became a bully. And multiple places and people told me that i had a serial killers personality, that she looked into my eyes and said "theres nothing in there" "your untreatable" "your too high maintenance for us to treat" my therapist Thea said ahe waz one step away from conserving me and taken to a state institution. And she said they probably couldn't treat me. Ive been to 215 mental hospitals. And ive been thru it all. I cant tell the difference between God and satan, when i get commands i cant tell the difference. *Richard Enxxellia/Puppoi/Three 7s/SeventyThree6's/UglyBitterSky; Richard gives me paranormal activities. Qualities, which he possesses me to act out dangerously. One example is when i get homoscidal. He decodes the devil into me. He moves certain objects and living things to make me use my 10 senses. As i dissociate to many alternate universes. The darkness takes over me. He decodes demons into me. Decoding me, i have codes, we all do. In NXSP. Rascal/Raskal is my therapy dog. Whos dying of cancer. I hallucinate him everywhere. But i see him as if he was real. And people tell me itz all in my head. Like i have a full blown convo or im playing with him. But my mom and bro tells me hes not in here. Three 7s is where my mania gets out of control. Like i feel like im famous, for the right or wrong reasons. Its all a delusional world. I go out of reality now 100% of the day. And thats not normal. *Bad Mommy-Good Mommy/Duplicates Of People/TwentyStepsForward; __::::TSF was a demon that Johnny hated, but somehow was connected too. So after Me/I, Izzy "Ace 8/Spizey/MsSweetInsanityyx" (Me/I/M3/iii) killed him. The reason why Lily "Dancing Fire" was so mad at Izzy was because TSF turned to ashes after Johnny died, (was killed by Izzy) and that made Lily wanna send Izzy to The Ends more, as she tried to follow thru with that plan, but failed. Ever since i killed Johnny, Dancing Fire has become a bigger and more dangerous demon in my head, becoming worse and telling Alvaro to possess me more. So Alvaro && Dancing Fire have gotten worse. After i killed Johnny. __::::Bad Mommy/Good Mommy take toll of my mind. When i was in my drug and alcohol addiction, Bad Mommy got worse, she wears a scar on her face. She abuses me, (in real life she did abuse me mentally and very rarely physically, but this was before i got back into my addiction) after i tried to come home after she kicked me out *again* (while i was homeless for the 13th time) i was on cocaine, meth. Acid, pills, heroin etc etc. I came home and she slammed me against a wall, and called me a whore. Then she "switched" and forgot about it later, it scared me, and she won my trust and forgiveness back by giving me brownies. This went on for awhile. In reality tho. She did call me really offensive names. But she didn't slam me against the wall. I was scared of her and on multiple occasions didn't wanna come home from school. Anyways i dont wanna elaborate on that. __::::Duplicates of people really fucked me up. This waz after me coming home in 2018. I saw duplicates of people i do and don't know. And it scares me. Now it only happens with my therapy dog, Rascal *Cones/Wesley "Presley" Garcia/Mr.OutOfDate; |__::::????::::__| XX_XX __::::????::::__ | | Cones;____Guide me in the right direction. Master Cone. Controlling your slaves and servants. Your fucking with my head, your make me follow your path, as u soar strangely thru the air. Trying to show me a new reality, the Cones are ahead of the other flying objects. Its like your all dancing around me and my reality of a dreamland, a dreamland like reality. You opened my eyes, but also made me more insane. Therez all sorts of shapes, dancing strangly. You made me dissociate more than usual. As i traveled all the universes and galaxies. You did both harm and good for me. Thank u, for opening up my eyes, as im developing my 11th sense, i already have 10 senses. You traumatized me and u saved me. Thank u. Cones and Objects. For becoming a part of me. Cones are non living transitioning to living. But only i can see them. I appreciate you all. All the different breeds and kinds of objects. Theres millions of them. And im glad we crossed paths. I love u my Cone Family🖤🥀🌙🔥 Wesley "Presley" Garcia;____ Dear, Wesley/Presley, Did u Wanna get away, why did u make Johnny so bad, i know u were his master. And i know after u died, Johnny took your place, but i had to kill him, he tortured me and all of NXSP, i just wanna ask, why are u so fucked up? We did nothing to deserve this torture. Thank u for trying ur best with Johnny, but i just wanna let u know, even if u tortured us (made Johnny do it) im still here for u, cus i jyst found out that you didn't torture Johnny. Lily lied. And i should have known. Johnny tortured u, and no one knew, so i apologize for blaming u. Johnny also made up stories about you, that u tortured him. And i just put the pieces together and i realized Johnny started all this. NOT ERIN! Lily is just as bad as Johnny and Alvaro. All 3 of them fucked and traumatized all of us. If there is anything i can do to help. Plz let me know. I wanna save NXSP. Not destroy it. I know ur dead, but i miss u. And i realized you tried to pull/put NXSP back together, now its just pure darkness. Do u mind (&& u dont have to if ur not comfortable with it) send us angels to protect us from harm. Like what Constance used to do. I love u hun, keep fighting, soldier, Sincerely, Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez/Ace 8/Spizey/Ms_SweetInsanityyx && im also speaking for my family at NXSP. I love u. Hope u get this message.🖤🥀🌙🔥 Mr.OutOfDate;____ You give me reoccurring dreams and visions of my mom dying. && u made me live thru hell itself. Literally, and u bring me closer and more content with death. I feel like im dying everyday, like literally. I feel my body being tortured by my demons and Satan. Who ive met thru traveling the galaxies and universes. Why? I wanna live, not die. Heres a lil thing i wrote about this. "I wanna become content with living But i feel closer that death My mom is the only thing i have Without her i would already be dead I check her breathing while shes asleep on her bed I just wanna be dead No words left unsaid I feel closer to death everyday And i feel myself fading away Still happens to this day Losing levels of sanity more each day Losing my mind and i cant stay awake Ive been thru hell and torture Trauma, pain and darkness Do we know all the answers? Do we all get possessed by the devil Do we all lose control by the hour Dont die Mom Plz dont go Your my sun Plz dont go Your my reason I sold my soul to the darkness But i cant let my mom go Its hard to explain the love i have for her Its easy to explain why i love her Im becoming closer to death Got this fire in my heart Got this fire in my soul Im not whole, im not ok Maybe ill be ok one day I love u mom, Mr.OutOfDate, Youve come way to date You brought me and made me live thru hell Ive lived thru hell itself. Goodnight my beautiful sunshine Aint nobody dying tonight."-written by me, Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez Were all strangers to ourselves. Its hard to say i love myself, cuz im broken and damaged. I love u mom, ur my everything. Your my sunshine my sunrise and my nighttime. If u die i die. Goodnight. 🖤🥀🌙🔥 *Visions&Hallucinations of Past&Future/ObjectsHavingAForceOnMe; Dancing Fire cordinates it. All 100% of my past flashes in my head at random times. And i cant control it. Id be in a completely different reality. And i use all my 10 intensitied senses for every part of my past. Like i was there again. CODE 203 J REPEAT CODE 203 THIS IS SYSTEM SHUTDOWN X FOLLOW ALL GIVEN PROCATIONS. Lily you need to get the fuck outta here with that shit. SHUT UP CHARLOTTE! Homie, you better back up. Im talking to u, Lily. Well Charlotte imma show Izzy her past right now. OHHHH IS THAT IT LILY THATS WHY UR SHUTTING EVERYTHING DOWN! I miss u Lily, the old u.. Im not feeling to good Lily. Im sorry Lily. IM DONE! When objects look at me, its like im looking in a mirror, and there using codes to take over me && they scare me, for example i can look at a door knob, a window. A sky, a cieling, and i feel like it has a force on me. Like there trying to get inside me. Like i see a chair and i scream cuz its looking right thru me. Heres a lil poem i wrote: "Dont talk to the ceiling It might talk back Taking over me Can u see me Can u hear me Do u get that peculiar feeling Of all the hell im dealing Leave me alone I dont have a stable home I look into ur eyes The pretty silver sky Its looking right thru me Its posessing oh its controlling me Got that strange feeling Are these the Aces that im dealing Your looking right thru me Dont listen to the walls They dont think when they talk Dont run away from fear Dont draw the devil nearer There decoding you my darling There breathing how non living objects should Cuz non living things are just as important As living things, your being cornered Breathe my friend In and out Breathe and shout Theres no way out There surrounding me Im inside my TV This is all a game And i declare you insane Smiles on everybody Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors Smiles on my little baby Nobody needs to ser what goes on behind closed doors. Take control dont let it control you Why are u so blue? Are u in the flumes Ace 8 Break It Down Theres No Way Out Im In The Dark Now Im Just Hellbound The more u try to fight it The stronger it gets I would take my life to save yours Trauma occurring 24/7 From 2001-2018 Over 10+ mental illnesses They say your insane Well they did diagnose me critically/clinically insane So play your game, Satan Torture me, im waiting So play your Ace, Aint nobody dying tonight Not in this place Your known as the girl with no face Your pointing me towards my dog days Who am i, good question Fuck me torture me, my new obsession Im used to hell and trauma I know rock bottom Im used to pain and darkness Were all in it for the torture There controlling me There possessing me They arnt living Sonetimes non living things Are more alive than the living Smiles on, everybody Shut them system down Smiles on, everyone Were not going down without a fight."-written by me. Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez Sometimes non living are more living than the living. I deal with this everyday. Stay strong yo. *Flying Objects/DemonsPosssesingMe; **||||** Flying Objects: objects that are non living but act like there living. All non living objects float around and talk and act like the living. Like the taxis, or the furniture or anything thats an object. Starts using there senses, they have more senses than us. Heres a lil thing i wrote about that.;;;; "You take control Sweet little ceiling A dangerous feeling Are we really dreaming Your magic head got me screaming You are demons inside of objects As the tables fly As the staircase sighs Its like a labrynth Were all sentenced Were in a fantasy This isnt reality Wake up. Wake up Torture me plz dont stop Wake up wake up All non living things are living All non living things are living Dont be drifting Dont be living Cuz ur not living No not at all They all have faces They all have bodies They all have senses Dont be scared my love Dont runaway my love Im an animal in a cage I got blinding rage I got bad and good days The chairs are all wrong Smiley is coming back Am i wrong? Am i right? Police on the search for me There not gonna catch me These flying objects are very living They will protect me They will seduce me. Flying objects flying round They dont make a single sound Take me far away"-written by me, Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez **||||** Demons Possessing Me; ??????Different Species if demons come and literallt possess me. I start raising hell ans becoming the demon thats controlling my body. I literally "snap into DeZanity" which is 100% worse than Insanity. I become dangerous, act out strangely unsafely dangerously etc etc. I become worse than satan himself. I walk thru and live thru hell itself. Ive seen hell. Ive literally lived in hell. I become darkness itself. Heres a lil thing i wrote about this; "Falling down to rock bottom Lived inside hell, oh pardon? Did u possess me last night the devil fucked me in the dark light I dont kno what to do Why u feelin blue, My darling my darling They say im acting strange Out of character as u say They say i went completely insane Out of character as they say The darkness controlling me Demons possessing me Im dangerous, im dangerous This aint fun Im always on the run I snapped into DeZanity I lost all my senses Ive died many times Im just fucking senseless As all the species of demons Come inside of me Im a dysfunctional animal Im a dysfunctional animal Who am i, my mind is worse than hell itself The devil puts himself up on the shelf Hes not powerful enough to enter Tryna make these dreams centered Tryna make reality my bitch Dont try. Do, win lose Dont do. Try, lose win Either way. There out to get me Lets change the codes Weve already killed ourselves. So far away from home Im feeling so alone. Im feeling cold Flying around the universes There aint no reverses Imma tell u a secret I am more powerful than the devil Are u gonna run and hide Were committing suicide My name is Izzy, Ace 8 My name is Tyler, Ms_SweetInsanityyx Lets fuck this place up Im here to save and help all non living And living things, im here to save the world I help, care. Love support be there Im by there side no matter what When u fall ill lift u up I help everyone and everything obsessivly Im on the battlefield fighting by yo side Im not in the sidelines Lets get ready to snap back Izzys out for the attack. Goodnight, Drearyyx"-written by me, Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez _____________||||____________ *Dancing Rooms/Past In Vivid Movie-LikeForm; ||||_||||Dancing Rooms; dont talk to the ceiling it might talk back. Im in a dreamscape, traveling thru the galaxies, doors all over the walls, all the stair cases are going in many directions, they keep moving. They dont stop. Each room is something new. Im walking over the stars 🌟 , i see all of these different galaxies. Were midnight racing. Its like im in a Lo-Fi setting. All my dreams turned reality. Im in a wild place. Im soaring thru space. U ever seen the movie Labrynth with David Bowie its like that. I feel so free, racing cars over the stars. Im not in reality. Im escaping. Its like im flying, always flying. Im traveling everywhere. You saved me. Dancing Room. Its like a good trip. Like were in a movie, many kinds of movies. Its a new reality. Im escaping earth. So many colors. So much to see. Im sitting on the sunrise. I turn on Lo-Fi radio (the app is purple) and i do meditation to it. I go to extraordinary places. Thank u Dancing Rooms. ||||_|||| Past In Vivid Like Movie Form; so u kno ive had brutal trauma. Hell, pain, torture, bad experiences occurring 24/7 since 2001-2018, and u read part of my life story. Well theres sone parts u dont kknow, Dancing Fire flashes my past in more than just flashbacksx its in vivid movie form frok beginning to end. But its everyday. And even when im happy i get reminded that it constantly, Dancing Fire aka Lileth "Lily" Ramos-Garcia. Tortures me with it. The more i try to escape it or "put my past in the past" i get reminded of it everyday, from beginning to end. Its not ok. And i also get nightmares everynight that makes me not wanna sleep. Like i could be doing my thing, and out of fucking nowhere here comes the show (vivid movie like form of my past from beginning to end) and i cant escape. People say "leave ur past in the past" uh how am i supposed to do that if i get constantly reminded of it every day. ?? But yet i help care love support fix save be there for everyone and everything obsessivly. And i dont stop. I love helping others, i wanna save and fix all non living and living things. That's what keeps me alive. Someone asks me "what's wrong Izzy. U havent been yourself lately?" i tell them an excuse like "im fine" so imagine this: _Having over 10+ Mental illnesses _Having trauma occurred 24/7 from 2001-2018 _being constantly reminded of ur past daily _having 22+ mental breakdowns a day, every day _trying to remain sane _dealing with the present. _never escaping the past _everything combined together times 10+ working all at once _and trying to describe what ur feeling/whats going on/what's wrong, cus u don't know how to explain it _Constantly having demons fuck with ur head _hating myself _having an eating disorder/autism _not kniwing what ur feeling _feeling unwanted and unloved _being tortured, abused, raped most of ur life _not knowing who u are _having no home from 2011-2018 _having no hope _having severe brain damage _being critically/clinically insane _Been thru/experienced mostly every traumatic thing _not wanting pity sympathy or attention _after 2018, the hell never ending, getting worse mentally physically and emotionally _being insecure _dealing and drug addiction/alcoholism (im over 1 year sober _being the blacksheep _being LBGTQ _not wanting to date ever again/hating sex _cant go in public without breaking down _dissociating 99% of the day _explaining yourself to people _my mom being sick. My dogs having cancer _my mom and bro not wanting me home _thinking ur worth nothing _being a prisoner to ur mind _not knowing who u are _Alvaro possessing me _not feeling like ur in ur body/being possessed _paranioa/objects having a force on u _being confused/delusional _everything youve read/heard in all of this story applied to u everyday _acting like ur okay _trying to save. Fix. Love. Care, support, help, be there for everyone and everything obsessivly but not feeling like its good enough _missing my unbio son, Anthony everyday. _not wanting to cry or show emotions _avoiding feeling feelings/being so used to the bad that u cant process the good _not processing things _wanting to end ur life on a daily basis _wanting to self harm/act out on a daily basis _just hating yourself/having trust and anger issues _the rest i cant explain 🌟🔥🌙Hey this is Izzy here, thank u for breathing, for being alive. Im proud of u. Thank u for coming to my TED TALK.🌙🔥 **Another One Of My Suicide Attempts (i was on the online news); My brother and i got into a huge fight. Cuz we were playing pranks on eachother, but around that time i got raped *again* my mom still isnt aware that it. My whole past flashed by in my head vividly. My mom and brother told me they didnt want me home. And i felt like a failure. I was walking on the side of the street and the highway. I self harmed really bad. But i got home and everything else was a blackout. I had 33 breakdowns that day. We were at Farmer Boys. And my mom kept asking if i was "okay" i told her "yes" but i was lying. I had dreams of my granpa dying (hes deceas3d now) and my monmm dying. My mental health got 10 times worse. Leading up to my attempt i got raped again* by 10 people one by one torture, abusing and raping me for about 2 hours. I still havnt told my mom. I came home and i tried to have a "silent suicide attempt" i took 2 bottles of Gabapentin (one of my medications, this ones for anxiety) and they were big bottles, and i took every pill in there. I started fading out and u heard a voice in my head, trying to stop me from dying. I called 911 and told them that i overdosed, they got all my info and told me to stay where i was. There were fire trucks. Ambulances, police cars. They made me drink Charcoal, instead of pumping my stomach. My mom came out && was talking to the officers/AMRs etc. They did there normal procedures and transported me to Corona Regional Medical Center (aka CRC). I had a sitter, or a 1:1, they did their hospital procedures and i got transferred to "The Willows Mental Hospital" (Still CRC but not emergency, just psychiatric) my brother told me i was on the Corona Newspage, descibing my attempt. But not using any names of people. But it showed my house. I stayed on a 52/50 hold. I cant remember clearly exactly how the whole thing happened but im doing the best i can. ________________________________________ 🌙🔥🌟🥀hey its izzy, if anyone needs a prayer lemme know ok. This is something i just wrote, its from my heart. Stay True!!! Keep sharing your story, cuz it matters you matter your life matters YOU MATTER. , thank u for breathing, for continuing and being alive. Ur all Angels, you are a work of art, you just gotta put the peices together. U gotta creaate your art, your story. It doesnt end here tho. Id give my life if it meant all of u become painless, im not a saint. I just wanna be the person to save care love be there for living and non living things. Yea ive had trauma occurring 24/7 from 2001-2018, but its 2020 in a month. All i want for Christmas is for all yall to be safe and happy. If any of yall need anything, ill be here. Ill be fighting by ur side on the battlegrounds. Im sitting here crying cuz idk how to fix this world. Im proud of u. Even if u didnt wanna be alive today, youve made it another day and youve made it this far. Your doing the best u can. You all make me wanna cry cuz of how amazing u are and how beautiful ur soul is. If ur thinking about taking ur life tonight trust me ive been there. Put ur hand on ur heart, feel that? That's purpose. Your life is a mess right now. Keep looking up. Your someones reason. I wanna save ur life tonight/today. Thank u for ecsisting. I know its dark out, you grow stronger every second. Take ur time. Slow down, take a moment or a few moments. Relax ur whole body, ur gonna be ok. Ur gonna keep fighting. For everyone but mainly for yourself. Im proud of u. Trust me im far from ok. But id do anything if it means everyone else can ok. U are a broken soul. But we will fight, we will win. We will stick together x im here for all yall. Dont go. Its not ur time. I kno it may seem cliche. Bit ur voice matters ur story matters your message matters. YOU MATTER YOUR IMPORTANT YOU HAVE A PURPOSE YOUR ENOUGH YOUR WORTH IT. ! Thank u for being u. This is Izzy here. Keep fighting, soldier. Keep going. Your destiny is inside of u. I love u all. Message me if anything. Stay true stay u. Live u my warriors my angels xx----Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez (me)🖤🥀🖤🥀

[isaacathom]

ooh, i made a slight change to what i guess is the ‘inciting incident’ for CCC

so, originally, i had it be that Nava was caught and strangled by one of the hunters, and thats what caused Shani to go Magic and kill the three hunters and spare the Survivor.

new plan. mostly influenced because im trying to explain where the magic came from, and ive decided that, if nothing else, Nava also has the ability to shoot hope lasers out of her hands. its possibly a regional thing. thats not important. (well it is but not relevant)

if she has that ability, i find it difficult to believe she’d be so passive as to just. let herself get strangled. that sounds bad, but i mean, youre being held down and the guy on top of you reaches for your throat, youve basically got a gun, you lift that sucker and pop a cap in him. thats what Nava does. after a moment ineffectual struggle, and with another hunter (the third one, as the second is currently holding Shani back) closing in to help hold her down, Nava shoots a hole through the first hunters chest and gets up off the ground.

Shani reacts poorly, because Shani is an altogether gentler soul than Nava is.the hunter holding Shani nearly loosens his grip. the Survivor loses his fucking mind and scrambles backwards, yelling incoherently. the third hunter, noticing that Nava is briefly distracted in examining the first hunters body, lunges forward and stabs her repeatedly with his hunting knife. THIS is what gets Shani. like she starts screaming louder (and its this scream that is first heard by the town, and used by the Survivor as evidence) as Nava stumbles forward and slumps. the third hunter keeps on ploughing through, though, because hes in an emotional state and this is revenge. because like, TECHNICALLY the first hunter isnt dead yet. yet. but there is a big fuck off hole in his torso so yea hes basically dead. and the third hunter is getting his revenge. and just. keeps going. while the Survivor screams in abject fear and the second hunter (holding shani) tightens his grip again.

and shani goes off. because like, now shes even more scared for her life. when she was being held, yea, she was spooked, but now seeing the reaction this man had, this series of events, and having the grip on her retightened (as it’d only been loosened in just bewildered fear), she has pretty good reason to believe that this third hunter, crazedly stabbing her friend to death, will come for her next. she was already going to die at these mens hands, but now its going to come faster and with more violence. also, lest we forget, her friend just killed a man and has just been killed herself. so, click, off she goes.

promptly hope lasers the guy holding her (i imagine by shooting him in the leg and then spinning around for the chest shot to end it), before long distance lasering the third hunter, flinging him off into a tree. rip. the Survivor just starts whimpering at this point.

at this point im not sure exactly what happens. cause the idea is that Shani flees the scene. and thats fair, i guess, but did she also check on Nava? i mean, Nava is totally dead, she was stabbed far too many times and far too noticeably to actually survive, like how the first hunter was Totally Dead even if he hadnt died yet, because there was no real way any of these 4 people were gonna actually make it out alive based on their injuries. but. did she still check? i mean, unlike Nava, who was fully conscious and aware of what she was doing at the time of lasering the guy, Shani isnt. shes not conscious of what shes doing beyond knowing WHY shes doing it - cause they just killed her friend. even IF she remembered the stuff leading up to her going super saiyan, she does not remember at all that actual experience of being in saiyan mode and killing two people in less than a minute.

but like. what is she doing. what does she do. where is she going??? was she trying to get to the village? that could work. not as an extension of any lack of direction (because, fun as that would be, itd get quickly tiring in the actual story i think), but as an extent of getting turned around and being in a new place. live in a desert city your whole life, now youre in a forest and your best friend just got murdered, directions are hard. easily explain it as, since the hunters had led them off the path theyd been taking, that shani has No Idea where she is and gets lost. she doesnt get lost for long, admittedly, as she arrives in the village like, the next morning (early enough that not many people are awake, but late enough that people are already aware of her description and know who she is supposed to be). or something. ok that time thing is also something to discuss but ill get that later.

but still??? checking nava? did she check nava, realise she couldnt actually do anything, and then run for the village in an attempt to get the hunters in trouble? or tell the truth? it’d probably have worked if she hadnt gotten lost and promptly passed out once she arrived and forgotten the whole thing. but that COULD work. like. runs to Nava’s side after killing people. the survivor is off to the side trying to keep quiet in fear that Shani will kill him. finds nava like, totally gone, like, fuck me dude this whole murder business was positively brutal. backstabbed to high fuck and ten turned over for a frontal assault. destroyed. and shani just stands up and /runs/. at speed. away. adios, shani, you wild fuck.

after that shit is still the same. slightly more motivated (a dozen or more stab wounds are a little hard to pass off as an accident or even self defence to an /extent/), and it makes more sense later. tying into that, after all. cause when Mavris (im just gonna call the master Mavris at this point im really lazy) finds the body, he knows Nava was murdered immediately. he doesnt know the context, he doesnt know what happened, but he KNOWS she was murdered. whereas if she’d been, say, strangled, theres that extra confusion and you could easily make the mistake of thinking that she simply fell into the ditch and died. but stab wounds? dont get that many stab wounds from some sharp rocks in a ditch.

so the survivor just. does the same as he always did. shakingly picks up Nava and chucks her in the nearest ditch he can find, kicks some dirt in there too since i mean, she is wearing light colours, yea its stained blood red for the most part but to be safe, kick kick. click clatter crack. runs back to the village yelling for help, dragging the third hunter along in a desperate attempt to save at least one of them.

NOW. the thing i gotta work out. what time stuff happens

cause i think the less time between the deaths and shani’s arrival the BETTER, right, because its better pacing. so. the hunters encouner Nava and Shani during the day. morning or afternoon? morning, maybe, or early afternoon. there needs to be enough time for the bodies (of the hunters, not nava) to be recovered and returned to town and for news of the murder and the supposed Murderer. so that when shani appears everyone knows. her exhaustion also needs to be justified, beyond the obvious (in that shes been travelling for like a week or more across deserts and forest with minimal food and water, no worries)

so. lets say morning? and then have shani arrive at the village after dusk. means people are still awake (thus meaning she can be found and quickly brought indoors before too much hubbub, but also justifies how little people are around) and it means that the council can be quickly made aware of her arrival and begin searching through her stuff for evidence while waiting for her to wake up. the sooner they can investigate her, the sooner the trial can happen and the sooner shes made into a slave, which kickstarts the ressstt of the story. right. yea. that works.

this stuff works fine.

i was also thinking, for a later point, that someone else from shanis city finds themselves in the town. nava and shani weren’t the only people who decided the desert was better than the government or whatever the hells happening in that city, so a guy shows up from there. not with as impactful an entrance, ofc. though, how much /would/ that impact shani. i mean, the guy wouldnt know shes stigmatized (yknow, as a murderer), so it means she can just. talk. no worries. no pressure. she can just chat to this guy, learn about whats happened since shes left, confirm that yup, no fucking clue where Nava went, yada. she probably sees him off when he leaves to head west for the boats.

thats about all ive got. probably should rename mavris, though, lmaoooo

#clitter clatter crack #also i feel like i should rename it 'clitter clatter clack' because fuck its a stick. i might. once i finish tea i might #story blogging